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swirlysmile · 2 years ago

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this is NOT based on the movie that I am like 50% sure exists. I have never seen it.

word count: 1.7k

warnings; nonlinear timeline, written weirdly, ice is kind of an asshat, he’s called a douchebag several times, a little repetitive

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate your attitude

You’re obviously the best of the best. If your superiors had any doubt about your skills, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be at Top Gun. Hell, there were more than a few pilots yearning for your spot in Miramar, and they were good enough. You were just doing it better, cleaner, than the rest of them.

“You’re doing it all wrong,” He says, and you really want to punch him.

“No, this would work.” You say, an eerie smile gracing your face. He can tell you’re seething, but there is no way in hell he’s going to let this go.

He keeps arguing, and then it hits him.

Literally.

He’s got a fist in his face, well, abdomen. You’re grateful you didn’t move to break his nose instead. Ice isn’t a snitch, so you wouldn’t be getting in trouble unless you had decided his stupid face made the best target.

“5 o’clock,” Ice’s voice rings out over the comms.

“Cover me, dammit!” He doesn’t cover you, instead he resorts to laughing at you when Jester inevitably gets the kill. Even Slider knows he made a douchebag move, and Jester is ready to give him hell the second they land.

“I didn’t hear her, sir.”

“Bullshit, Kazansky!”

He still tries to tell people that the crackle of the comms were covering your voice.

I hate your face

Naval aviators were known for their cockiness, their skill set, and their looks. A department that Tom Kazansky is definitely not lacking in. He takes great pride in his looks, among other things.

Maybe you’d be impressed if you didn’t know how much damn time he spent looking in the mirror, and god bless Slider for ranting to you about it.

“Looks like these don’t just happen.” He says, shrugging any attempt of insult off. It’s annoying how nonchalant he is about it.

“I’m no better than the next guy, I gotta work for em’.”

“Share with Slider.” You murmur, and what’s meant to be a jab at Ice, comes off as an insanely derogatory comment directed at Slider. You felt like a piece of shit.

A less honorable mention, though, is how girls flock to him. Literally, he has them just hanging on his every word in bars and it’s insufferable.

They’re all, “Oh Tom,” this and “You’re so cool, Tom.” that. Maybe the more intelligent ones will ask him about his line of work, and he’ll slide the aviators off, deliver an “I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”, and end with a wink that would make even the mightiest of gods go beet red.

You don’t get what’s so charming about it.

I hate your hair

He loves his well-thought-out genetics, and you can’t really blame him no matter how hard you try. They’re nice, even you have to admit that at a certain point, but what really takes the cake is his hair.

It’s always perfectly styled- no doubt what he takes so much time staring at himself for.

So many of those girls that cling to him would give an arm and a leg to run their stupid little fingers through it.

You totally, most definitely, wouldn’t like to touch it.

It looks crunchy. Soft. It looks matted. Perfectly combed through.

It looks like he had a little too much to drink and made a bad decision with his hairdresser. That or he went through a bad breakup.

How do you even begin to try and make your grievances take form, to insult him in less-than-kind words when it’s so perfect?

Too perfect, perhaps?

He had to have sold his soul to have such nice hair, you think. Why else would girls drop at the sight of him? Sure, he’s got a nice face.

His hair, however, is the cherry on top.

I hate your sunglasses

Everybody knows only douchebags wear sunglasses inside. That’s why you’re glaring at him from the other side of the bar. He’s entertaining some random girl, who’s pretty, but he’s wearing those damn sunglasses.

You swear he only ever takes them off to glare at you.

Occasionally Maverick is on the receiving end of his scowl. You’re happy to have someone to share the burden with, even if it’s another cocky son of a bitch.

Of course, whenever you’re on base and not being lectured, those damn aviators are resting on his face. He makes a show of throwing them on whilst inside, like a complete and total douchebag. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, they’ll be nestled into his hair, but they’re never truly gone.

It’s like he’s making sunglasses inside a personality trait separate from douchebaggery.

“Sunglasses inside will never be attractive.”

“The girls at the O seem to think they are.” He says, and you know he’s not looking for your approval but you wish he were.

5.I hate your teeth

Lieutenant Tom Iceman Kazansky can typically be seen flashing a smile at anybody willing to look.

And boy were there a lot of people willing to look, begging to see one of those grade A grins. He’s a sucker for a little pleading.

For some strange reason though, those smiles were never directed towards you, and there is no way in hell your pride would permit you asking to see him smile.

Sometimes, he’d threateningly bare his teeth and bite, and that’s the closest you’d ever gotten to a smile.

Whenever you say something stupid, he rolls his eyes instead of laughing. Whenever you compliment him, albeit backhandedly, he ignores it. Whenever you smile at him, he turns around and leaves.

He even smiles at Pete Mitchell, and they’ve had a problem for forever.

You can't stop thinking it’s something wrong with you, but it’s just a stupid smile, a show of affection. It bothers you so much, for what reason? It’s a measly little act of joy.

It harbors affection and joy he clearly did not have for you.

Maybe if those smiles were directed towards you though, in some other world where Ice isn’t a dipshit, you’d hate his stupid teeth a little less.

6. I hate your voice

His tone, when addressing you, was either dripping with sarcasm or hatred. No inbetween.

“Hey sweetheart, make sure not to fly into my jet wash.” Mocking smile in tow, or “You’d have to be stupid to try that.”

What a dick.

Only sometimes did you wish to be responded to with a little bit of respect, or kindness. His arrogant-ass couldn’t even think of you and civility in the same sentence though, much less kindness.

His tone is always razor sharp, and that saying, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? A complete lie. Especially when talking to Iceman. His words cut deep. Deeper than any sticks, or stones, could even think of trying to pierce. Petty insults, derogatory compliments, misogynistic comments, you deal with it all.

Somehow, he stays so calm throughout all the insults you throw at him. It’s like he wants you to call him annoying, or a man-whore, or whatever you can think of to try and fail at getting under his skin.

None of the things you try to knock him down with resonate with him. They never get through his thick skull and make him feel bad.

So, you hate it. You hate his voice.

7.I hate your flying

What a stupid thing to hate, but his flying is the baseline of his identity. His flying is who he is, what he is.

If he wasn’t who he is, and he was a little bit more like Slider, or Hollywood, or anyone else, you wouldn’t hate him.

So yeah, you hate his flying. It makes him think he’s better than everyone. He makes all the rules, and he’s an insufferable wingman to have. He’s always “Break right.” or “I have the shot, move.” and he does not have the shot, but you want to trust him.

He lets you down time and time again, and it’s his stupid, stupid flying that ruins everything.

Of course he can never let you get a shot. You get close to Jester? Ice is telling you not to take it. You should know by now not to listen to him because he always swoops in and steals the shot, but god do you wish he was a little bit less “Me, me, me!” with flying.

8. I hate your callsign

Iceman.

It fits him perfectly in more ways than one. Goose is right, Iceman flies perfectly. He makes no mistakes, wearing his opponent (and sometimes his wingman) down so that he can deliver the final blow. He flies ice-cold. So perfect that you shiver in awe just watching.

Ice also is a dick. He just is ice-cold. You’re pretty sure the only person he’s warmed up to in his life is Slider.

It’s common to talk about Ice on base, whether that be in admiration or disgust. You’re hoping he hasn’t heard some of the more positive things you’ve said about him so that it doesn’t go to his head.

But if he had, would he thaw out a little?

9. I hate your intelligence.

You have to be at least a little smart to join the Navy, but with Ice? His genius is a little overbearing.

To put it bluntly, Ice is a know it all.

An insufferable know it all with a tendency to insult anyone who disagrees with him. Not that you can disagree with him, because he’s right.

“That maneuver wouldn’t work.”

“It could,”

“Not safely. Huge chance you could kill your wingman.” And you want to say he’s stupid, or that he’s wrong, but he isn’t. That’s the worst part. He is right, he knows it, you know it.

“You’re doing it all wrong, look, you have to line up the cue like this,” He says, snatching the pool cue out of your hand. Maybe he’s trying to be helpful, but really you think he’s just trying to show off.

“I was doing fine, Iceman.”

“Fine for someone who wants to lose.” He snorts, and you flip him off and leave.

He’s smart, he has all the answers, and he makes you feel like you have none.

10. I hate that I love you.

There, I said it. You probably already knew though.

Love,

Your least favorite pilot.

#iceman x reader #tom kazansky x reader #tom iceman kazansky x reader #tom ‘iceman’ kazansky x reader #iceman #tom iceman kazansky #tom ‘iceman’ kazansky #tom kazansky #top gun 1989 #top gun #top gun fic #slider is mentioned cause i love him so much #i am a slider girl through and through #swirly writes #top gun 1989 fic

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uwurakax · 4 years ago

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teardrops on my guitar ♡

pairing: semi x f!reader ♡

genre: angsty // unrequited love // pining ♡

summary: it was like the plot of any rom com; two kids, a boy and a girl who were best friends since childhood and inseparable. you fell in love with him, and maybe he could’ve loved you too. such a shame he grew feelings for someone else ♡

word count: 1.7k ♡

author’s note: i love the pretty setters so much why am i doing this t-t which one next? lolol jk - not proofread sry. also wtf tryna write this on the train then some nub slams into my seat from behind dude u wot ♡

♡ (inspired by teardrops on my guitar by taylor swift) ♡

“What’s this?”

“A flower duh”

“But.. why...?”

“My dad gives them to my mum. He says he loves her after”

“But why are you giving it to me?”

“Because we love each other right?”

“Yeah”

“And one day we’ll get married and stuff”

“Hahaha, yeah! And then you give me all the flowers!”

A sweet memory, one from many years prior had always managed to pop into your mind at the most random times. You wished it didn’t, an adorable and innocent reminiscence had no place here, only offering confusion and complications. Semi Eita is your best friend, you wouldn’t let your feelings ruin your friendship with him.

Sometimes you’d wonder what would happen if you did actually confess to him. Wondering if he actually did remember the childish promise the two of you made. Neither of you had known of the power and meaning of the words uttered between you at barely 6 years old. The innocence of it all turned into something different.

Something deeper.

You also wondered if he would’ve looked at her. It was way too easy to fall into the mindset of ‘if I had told him, would he have looked at me the way he does her?’. ‘If I said my feelings sooner, could he have held me the same?’.

If I had told Semi I loved him, would he kiss me like that too?

There was way too many ifs going through your head, it was a marvel you could concentrate on anything else. At least during these moments your heart had some reprieve, a minuscule break of the pain you had to endure everyday you saw him with her.

Everyday during lunch, she sat next to him. The couple sitting opposite you at the table and you absolutely loathed it. It didn’t seem fair, the two of them being all lovey dovey, the sight of a picture perfect couple. Flaunting the perfect love they shared to anyone and everyone who saw. It just sucked that you were in the front row.

Everyday at practice she was there, cheering on Semi. Her yells and squeals echoing against the court walls. They easily overshadowed your silent ones. She’d jump excitedly next to you, clapping and screaming for the team. If you squinted, you could’ve pretended that the warm smile he threw over at the both of you was for you only.

You knew better though. Knew that any affection of love held was hers, and only hers. Knew the cheeky winks and blown kisses were reserved only for her. Knew that the uncontrollable feelings you felt for your best friend would never be reciprocated.

For only small moments, you could delude yourself into believing that Semi Eita had loved you the way you loved him.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Jogging towards you, you handed Semi his water bottle, a small smile tugging on your lips. He wasn’t looking at you though. Honestly he never looked at you anymore, not with her around. Even when she wasn’t his eyes scanned for her. Like nothing else even mattered as long as she was there.

You had to hold back a sigh, quietly watching as he stared at her with such loving eyes. You wanted to hate it. Absolutely despise the way he looked at her, but you couldn’t. He looked so happy. Like a scene from a romance movie, he eyed her as if she was the sun, and everything just revolved around her. The whole nine yards of feeling goosebumps and a quickening heartbeat, Semi felt it all.

You wondered if she even knew the adoration he held for her. Despite her back being turned, despite the fact that she was engaged in conversation with someone else, Semi was undeniably smitten.

“You know, I think she’s the one” Semi whispered to you. This was the harsh reality of it all. No matter how much you wished, Semi Eita just wasn’t meant for you.

“You think so?” You tried to hide your exhaustion, numbness taking over your body. You could still feel the pinpricks of heartache however, no matter how much you tried to push it down. And sooner or later, it would overwhelm you until you buried your face into your pillow and cried til you fell asleep. That was a problem for future you though.

“Yeah, I do” he smiled wistfully at her, your heart fracturing little by little. You knew that look all too well. The look of longing, admiration and pure love. Recognised it all to well, because it was the way you looked at him. In class, at lunch and during practice. Whenever he wasn’t looking, you’d lower your wall by the tiniest bit.

You weren’t unknown to the fact that she looked at him exactly the same way too.

Whenever he was concentrating on his work, his serves or chatting with his friends, she’d gaze at him with the same affection that was unknown to Semi himself. It wasn’t hard to be envious. Not just because you were in love with Semi too, but to find something so special was so incredibly rare.

“I’m really happy for you Semi, I’m glad you found her.” You looked away, not wanting Semi to see your face. Sure that if he saw your eyes, he’d see the heartbreak swimming beneath the glistening tears that had just barely started to form.

“Semi!” You heard her squeal, bouncing her way to the both of you and throwing herself in his arms. It truly was unfair how they seemed to meld together so well. Like ying and yang, the moon and tides. You couldn’t have one without the other, so complimentary in existence.

You tuned them out, not wishing to subject yourself to anymore heartache for the day.

“You should join us Y/N! We don’t hang out much and I wanna get to know Semi’s best friend more” she smiled. Her wonderfully radiant smile beamed at you. Pearly whites shining under the lights, it was like God himself blessed her, an invisible spotlight on her at all times. Guess God really did have favourites, and she was impeccable.

“Ah I’d love to but I really have to get this homework done or I never will. Plus don’t wanna intrude” you shyly said. You didn’t know how much you would’ve been able to take.

“Alright fine but next time! Gotta promise ‘kay?” She giggled and snuggled up to Semi’s side.

“Of course, it’s a promise”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

You were slow packing up your books and pens, the lunch bell normally alerting your body to speed your way to your lunch table to prolong the little break you did get.

When you finally did make it to your friends, you noticed Semi hadn’t arrived yet, and the only open seat was next to her. With a quiet sigh, you reluctantly sat down.

Opening your school bought bento, you picked at the egg, too exhausted from everything and just not being in the mood to eat.

“Y/N, you alright?” Her super sweet and feminine voice rang in your ear. Honestly, it was just grating to you now. You plastered on a fake smile.

“Yeah, sorry just super tired” you continued to stare at your food, probably looking like you hated the mix of meat and vegetables. Just for today, you didn’t want to pretend to be okay. Pretending that you were happy for your best friend. Pretending that you weren’t in love with him. Pretending that you didn’t hate his girl even though she did nothing to warrant any form of hatred from you.

“Guess who!” You saw Semi over your shoulder, playfully covering her eyes and hiding one arm behind is back. She giggled out his name, pulling his arm off and giving him a quick peck. You had to fight the urge to roll your eyes, their public display of affection eating away at you, and making you more infuriated and annoyed.

Semi pulled a beautiful bouquet from his back and handed them to her, her eyes widening in surprise.

Flowers huh?

“Wow Semi, these are gorgeous! But you didn’t have to..” she stared starstruck, unable to look away at the assortment of flora. Pinks, reds and whites decorated the bouquet, and were wrapped in a gorgeous purple cellophane.

“I know, I wanted to. You do give flowers to the person you like right?”

And just like that, your heart completely shattered.

She gave Semi another peck, thanking him for the thoughtful gesture.

You quickly arose from your seat, throwing your napkin and chopsticks into your bento, packing it up and quietly leaving the table.

“Hey, where are you going?” Semi called out to you, both of them looking at you curiously.

“Sorry, just need to go to the bathroom real quick” and you scurried off, throwing away your barely eaten meal with a bit more force than necessary.

When you finally made it to the bathrooms, you slammed the door and leaned your back against it. You started to inhale deeply, the once cute memory that brought you happiness now only gave you pain. You pulled the toilet lid down and sat, not caring if it wasn’t as hygienic as it should’ve been.

Curling your knees into your chest, you buried your face in them and let out the anguish and hurt that had been waiting to spill over. The hot burning tears that you only had yourself to blame for, because you were the idiot who fell in love with their best friend.

You cried until your eyes felt swollen and heavy, the constant friction of repeated rubs on the sleeve of your blazer added to the redness in your eyes. You looked down at your black polished school shoes, unaware of how much time had actually passed. It didn’t matter anyway.

Steadily, you got up from the seat. Once you left this bathroom stall, you’d never cry over Semi Eita ever again. You’d be the best friend, the one who would always be happy for him; and you wouldn’t fake it this time. You’d actively and attentively listen to him about his relationship, no longer going to feel bitter. You’d smile and cheer, and be the most supportive you could be, how you should be. They deserved that.

You’d let Semi go.

Perhaps tonight, with the newly made promises to yourself, you’d finally be able to get some sleep.

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #hq!! x reader #semi x reader #semi x you

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katsu-chan22 · 3 years ago

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Life at 21st Century,

a (crack) viewpoint of a 19 years old girl.

Truthfully, I believe that I am living a fairly good life here at 21st century, thanks to Heavenly Father. Of course, life here on earth is not perfectly perfect. As humans we have needs; like food, water, home, clothes and other basic necessities that people do. Most things here on this planet can be purchased by money. Well, except pure love, I think.

But yes, I am dwelling a good life in the modern world. Unlike the ancient times, I do not have to get worried being eaten by wild and horrifying animals as I frolic from places to places, (and that was before Covid19), nor afraid that someone will strike an arrow at me from meters away nor get stabbed by heavy-weighted swords, because of territory disputes and whatnot.

Also, if I am curious about something; I can easily whipped my android phone with a data (that cost a hundred pesos at least and can last for an entire week) and search at our good ol pal-mah-bestie "google" to answer my questions. Especially now, technology has been a huge help in my online classes. Like if there is an activity that has been sent through gclass or messenger, "don't worry wps or google docs can help you save your soft-copy files through skynet or cloud files". See even the names for these useful helpers are extraordinary. Now imagine these terms being used in ancient times, surely people out there will cast you away or burn you for the fear of "witchcraft". Hmmm. People tend to act negatively towards things unknown even today.

Now, "having troubles in seeking answers for your assignments? Do not fear for our bestie google is dependable and it can ‘almost’ answer everything; keyword ‘everything’ ". Just be careful about false information, less you end up making a fool of yourself. Social media is super scary. People are too bored these days that they will find one flaw, and they will take your picture or video and post, tada! "You’re viral!" Reactions, share & share, comments, hate or love; that is the life of social media user. Sometimes, toxicity is too much. It is time to burrow in my comfortable blanket and read books like the old times.

At 21st century, cooking food becomes easy unless "you ain't chef". No need to cut branches of trees, nor use coals for cooking food. When you got a stove and prycegas, it is easy cooking! “You got left-overs?” Refrigerator now exists, and this is like one of the useful inventions ever existed.

Hygiene at 21st century. I am so bless to be able to take a bath without problems. Unless the water is gone for a meantime, like maintenance of sort or “you haven't paid yet~” Bless are the souls who invented shampoo, and soap. When I am remembering how ancient people only took a bath for like once a month or worse, because of how terrible old times are? Yikes. Semi-germaphobic me, might as well faint because of a speck of dirt. Joking. So I am really grateful to be born at 21st century.

Life here at 21st century is great, but it has its own downsides. I got "panza" (spanish for "bilbil") for having too lenient life like using gadgets everyday while sitting, oops. My eyes were now blurry too; I miss my sharp-sighted eyes huhu. Moreover, I am unhappy to see children wearing legit eyeglasses already due to constant use of gadgets.

Our body is precious, let's love it. Did I also mention, robots like A.I are cool in the movies? But in real life, if it gets out of control, humans are bound to be doomed. When this time comes, I hope that Almighty God will harvest my loves one and I. Still, let's be grateful for all things that we have. Fighting!

P.S I still want to share a lot of things, but I think this is like too long hehe.

P.S I had fun doing this one 😎

#blogging #crack P.O.V #Life at 21st century #21st century #science and technology #modern hooman #2022

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tinyshe · 4 years ago

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June 3, 2021 Your Excellencies, Do You Even Believe? Jennifer Hartline

The learned and the mighty have been weighing in now for weeks regarding the ongoing scandal of Catholic pro-abortion politicians, particularly Speaker Nancy Pelosi and President Joe Biden, and the question of giving and receiving the Holy Eucharist.

I wonder if the USCCB will listen to a voice like mine. I am not a theologian or scholar. I am an ordinary laywoman. (Please note: This is not directed at the bishops who have spoken out publicly in defense of Eucharistic and moral coherence. Those few, steadfast shepherds are the exception, not the rule. I am immensely grateful to them.)

The scandal isn’t merely the Catholic politician who betrays the Faith. It is also those priests and bishops who shrug and nod, issue utterly worthless statements about the need for greater “dialogue” about what to do, and bemoan their “immense sadness” over the whole thing.

You lament the present “situation” and issue another statement about your sadness.

The “situation,” of course, is that baptized Catholics who publicly profess their devout faith are using all their political power and energy to facilitate the ongoing slaughter of the child in the womb. They guarantee half a billion dollars each year in funding for the killers. They protect this “right” (their language!) with legislation and fight every attempt at restricting the killing.

They do this gladly, without remorse, without any intention of ceasing. They are proud and empowered in their zealous advocacy of slaughtering innocents.

Yet, you only find your indignation and courage to condemn the “politicization” of the Eucharist. We must not “weaponize” the Eucharist, you solemnly warn, as though you are oblivious to the truth that it is Biden and Pelosi et al. who are “politicizing” the Eucharist. It is they who have made receiving Communion a litmus test of “inclusion” and “conscience” and “unity” according to the world’s demand.

To these scandalous Catholics (and to the rest of the Church listening) you speak with all the conviction and authority of a whimpering dog. The public figures in question laugh at your carefully worded, heavyhearted softballs, knowing they will whack it right back in your face.

They sing the tune, and you dance on the end of their strings. It is clear who preaches to whom.

I can only conclude, sadly, that you do not believe. Nothing else makes any sense.

If you truly believed the Eucharist was the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, then you could not be so careless. You could not be so indifferent to the mockery of the King by those who publicly disavow His authority.

Or maybe what you don’t believe is that abortion is evil. Maybe you do not really believe it is always wrong to kill the child in the womb. Maybe you do not believe it is morally imperative, or even a good idea, to outlaw abortion.

That would help explain why this “situation” has gone on for decades, like a horror movie on endless repeat.

If Pelosi and Biden championed the legal right to kill kindergarteners, and poured half a billion dollars each year into an industry that existed solely to kill kindergarteners, would you have any qualms about them receiving the Eucharist? Would you still say that it was a political statement to deny them the Sacrament?

The unvarnished truth is that Pelosi and Biden actively work for the abortion industry. Do you understand that? Who works that zealously for something he truly believes is wrong?

Or perhaps you do not love. It would seem so because there is no love in betraying the Lord. Nor is there any love in enabling the death of souls in your charge. Or will you argue it is not a mortal sin to kill the child in the womb? If it is a mortal sin, how can it be justifiable to deliberately enable that sin? What excuse can possibly be offered for one who champions the killing of innocents, who personally and professionally benefits from partnerships with those who kill?

These are the ones who scold and sneer at your gentle chiding about the “protection of the unborn.” You refuse to act with courage and clarity to confront their heinous actions. You refuse to call them to repentance and fidelity. You refuse to care for their souls.

It is not a private matter any longer. It hasn’t been for many years. The scandal is public, the effects far-reaching, the consequences of your inaction are devastating. It is incoherent, inconceivable, that you, as a body, are conflicted and unsure whether it is right and just to withhold the Eucharist from any Catholic who willfully persists in zealous facilitation of abortion.

One wonders if you still believe in sin at all or have any fear of Hell at all. The faithful sheep still do, and we need shepherds who recognize the wolf as a threat. Unfortunately, I have seen how you shepherd. I have seen how you compromise and make excuses, and I have no confidence you would act any differently toward me.

You would leave me to the wolf. You would choose some other, lesser love over love of God. You would “accompany” me on the wide road. If I were lost in mortal sin, deluded by the evil one, participating in acts that will condemn me to Hell if I do not repent and convert, I could not count on you to tell me unchanging, hard truths. You would not offer me severe mercy, only counterfeit mercy.

You are unwilling to risk the mockery and scorn of the world, so you preach inclusion and unity rather than repentance and conversion.

You pretend that a soul can openly betray Church teaching and still claim to be a faithful son or daughter of the Church. You are there with handy excuses for why all the teachings of the Church are hard to embrace in their entirety, given all the complexities and pressures of daily life.

You do not love. You do not believe. What other explanation is there?

There is set before us life and death, the blessing and the curse. How long will you go on pretending there is any “dialogue” still to have? What is left to say to Herod at this point?

source Crisis magazine online

#catholic #crisis magazine #eucharist #abortion

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anika-ann · 5 years ago

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The Best Mistake of My Life - Pt.4

The Right (Dance) Partner

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader Word count: 4510

Summary: A soulmate AU. They say having a soulmate is a blessing. Who wouldn’t love the idea of star-crossed lovers, right?

You are asked to dance and Steve is not the only one. Ah-oh.

Warnings: swearing, FLUFF, Steve’s friends being Steve’s friends… go figure

Story masterlist

༻༺༻༺༻ღ༺༻༺༻༺

Your dance technique was far from perfect; dancing with Steve was everything though. He held you securely, one of his arms around your waist, his other hand holding yours, his body not pressed against you completely, but close enough, his eyes attentively glued to you as if no one else existed.

You felt special. You felt beautiful. You felt adored. And all of that thanks to him.

You wouldn’t have even noticed another song ended if it wasn’t for the large figure tapping on Steve’s shoulder. He turned his head, surprised. You, on the other hand, gulped in fright. The man was huge. You had a good guess who that was. Trouble?

“Captain. May I borrow your dance partner?”

Oh, definitely trouble.

Steve gaped a bit, exchanging a puzzled look with you. He was asking whether you would allow it, you realized.

You had no clue. Then again, what was the worst thing that could happen? It could be awkward, sure, but you would try your best not to make an ass of yourself. Unlike with Mr.Stark. Let’s never talk about that again.

You nodded inconspicuously and Steve sighed.

“All yours,” he whispered, sounding like he didn’t want to give you up at all. It warmed you up, especially in your belly. He wanted you with him. He didn’t want to give you away. God bless him.

He shuffled away, catching your gaze one more time to make you were okay without him. Well, you were okay, but would be better with him.

“My lady. I am Thor Odinson of Asgard. It would be my pleasure to have this dance. May I?”

His voice was thundering as if he was a God of Thunder himself indeed, but you could tell he was trying his best not to intimidate you. Well, you could appreciate the effort, no matter how vain.

You blinked in shock when he placed his palm on his chest and gave you a tiny bow. Holy shit, Asgard – a planet, as you had learned from Steve – grew their men with extraordinary manners. Huh.

You shyly revealed your name, earning a smile from the god and a light kiss on the back of your hand; it reminded you of the second (or was it first and halfth?) meeting with Steve. Your heart skipped a beat at the memory and you realized that no matter how charming this man seemed, your heart already belonged to someone else; not that you had ever gave consent, it just… happened.

Steve had broad shoulders of which you thought could carry the weight of the world (and you had a hunch that sometimes they did), but as Thor enveloped you for a dance, you had to admit that his shoulders were as if they belonged to Atlas himself. He was so freaking huge.

“Lady mine, tell me. Do you like the feast brother Anthony prepared?”

Who the heck talked like that? Steve sometimes slipped, sounding like from an old movie, sometimes revealing Brooklyn slang from his time, but man, this was something else.

“I… yes. He… certainly put a lot of effort into it,” you babbled, automatically adjusting to his speech.

“Lady Potts is a great help for him in feats like these. I must say our celebrations are rather different, but I am impressed nevertheless.”

“Oh. What do your celebrations look like?” you heard yourself asking, actually intrigued.

A laugh bubbled in his throat as he spun you. “You would consider them too savage, I believe.”

You had no idea how to react to that. So you just hummed indecisively.

“I am certain someone has told you tonight, but you look very beautiful.”

You started at him, nearly faltering in your steps that weren’t even proper steps. Did he just… did he compliment you? An Asgardian? A demigod? Holy shit. Ryan was going to freak out about as much as you were freaking out at the moment.

“T-thank you,” you stuttered, too taken aback to sound like a normal person.

“You’re very welcome, my lady.”

The rest of the dance – rather short, thankfully – was more or less silent. You had to admit you enjoyed meeting Thor and dancing with him, but there was still the fact he was… a demigod apparently and that left you a bit uneasy. You mentally sighed in relief when the song ended.

Which was a mistake. Because Tony Stark took Thor’s place.

Shit.

You genuinely considered saying no when he asked for a dance; except Thor basically shoved you into Stark’s arms with a grin and a nod and you couldn’t quite back away. Well. You had handled your latest dentist’s appointment. Couldn’t be worse than pulling your teeth of wisdom, right?

"So… you have eyes on Cap?" was his first attempt at conversation and you realized you counted your chickens before they hatched. You groaned internally.

And then, your sassy side came to life as if challenged. You didn’t fight it and held your head high, swallowing your nervousness.

"No, Mr.Stark. I have my eyes focused on my dance partner, which happens to be you at the moment."

You would swear his eyebrows rose and you couldn’t even see it over his mask.

"You're cheeky for a chick I could get kicked out for not being invited," he noted, tilting his head to side as he was probably trying to figure you out.

You felt naked and it was not a pleasant feeling like when Steve was looking at you. Nope, sir.

"I might not be on the list, but I was invited," you opposed, ignoring the knot twisting in your stomach slowly.

Get it together, woman! You deal with people coming to your office every day! You met worse.

"By Romanoff," he stated and you couldn’t hide your smirk, finding you might actually indulge in the game of a mysterious woman.

"You could say that."

"She said you weren't a spy, but now I'm doubting it. You have a great ability not to spill beans. One might call you sneaky. Maybe you're a politician," he joked, eyes still calculating.

"Or a Stark from what I heard," you shot back, horror striking you right after. Shit. Too much. "Sorry, that was out of line."

But the billionaire only scoffed, spinning you. Was that an attempt on a smile on his face? "You're trouble, miss ‘Romanoff Got Me In.’"

"So I've heard."

"What you do for living?" he continued his interrogation and an exclamation sign lighted up in your head in warning.

"I tell you and you'll know who I am immediately. I know how much tech and databases you have."

You had an idea at least. After all, if Natasha wasn’t lying, she had found you and identified you as Steve’s soulmate thanks to one of those.

"Huh. You're smart," he… complimented you, you guessed, and you mentally yayed. Better than nothing.

"Not smart enough, given the fact that I let S- someone to convince me to come here." And meet you.

He quirked up. "So there's someone else involved."

"Maybe."

"Can't be Rogers.” You nearly broke your cover right then. He sounded so sure it made you want to laugh. “Too much of a boy scout. So who-"

"The boy scout would like his dance partner back,” sounded behind you and your lips automatically curled up in a smile.

"Hush, I want one more. It's not like you marked her to show off she belongs to you or something," Stark challenged, his arm tightening his grip.

Oh-oh. You couldn’t see Steve, but you had a hunch he was not going to share with Stark anymore, provoked by both his attitude and words. The question was, how would he convince him to let you go? You had an idea, but…

"Actually, I did."

You spun to stare at Steve, shocked that he actually said it so openly. That you didn’t see coming.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Stark demanded, his gaze flickering between the two of you.

Well. You might as well adjust to Steve’s play. Hell, you had already been playing a bit. You pushed the wide strap of your dress aside to reveal Steve's neat handwriting, his first words to you on your skin.

Stark immediately went to examine it – you couldn't help but quickly cover it before he could actually read it. Steve’s hand appeared on your lower back, slightly turning you over to him with the lightest of pressure. Stark seemed to shocked to fight him.

"Now if you excuse us. They're playing our song."

“Thank you for the dance, Mr.Stark,” you smiled over your shoulder before fully facing Steve, delighted to see him.

“Sure, whatever…”

Another slow song started and you were pulled into the only arms you wanted to be in tonight.

“Thanks for the save,” you said, honestly grateful.

“Didn’t look like you needed one,” he stated, sounding slightly astounded.

“…sorry. Did I… was I rude? I was rude, wasn’t I? Oh god-“

He leaned in with a smile, his lips catching your hair. Well that was new. A very pleasant new. You closed your eyes at the tender sensation.

“Tony needs someone to play verbal ping-pong with him. You held your ground perfectly. I’m proud of you, to be honest.”

You looked up, surprised. “…really?”

“Yes. Even Natasha seemed to be amused when I told her some of your comebacks.”

Your cheeks burned with that announcement. He heard? All of it? And interpreted it to Romanoff? “I thought your hearing was just a little better than average.”

“Just enough to hear you,” he soothed you, his hand on your waist softly caressing. “You met the most handful ones. Bruce is going to be alright and Clint… well, Natasha will make him behave. You did it, you met my friends. And you handled it just fine. You’re wonderful.”

Steve seemed so genuinely amazed again, as if you were the most wondrous person he had ever met. You curled closer to him, testing the waters. “I admit I was a bit intimidated… okay, a lot.”

“Really? Didn’t look like it at all.”

“Must have been the champagne I had,” you admitted with a self-depreciating chuckle. “Liquid courage and all that…. What?”

“I think you have enough courage even without having a drink. The more I know about you… the more you amaze me.”

“Steve…”

His thumb hesitantly stroked the exposed skin of your cheek, the touch turning firmer yet still soft when your lips parted and your breath hitched. He was so careful with physical affection, small steps like this always taking you by surprise. But a very pleasant surprise – with how gently he treated you, you felt… precious. It was an indescribable feeling, filling you with euphoria, your heart bursting with joy. You wished to let Steve know how much you appreciated him already, but any time you tried, he just took your breath away with something even… more, making any attempt of yours look pale in comparison.

His blue eyes bored into yours, holding your gaze as if the spacious room full of people didn’t exist. His thumb moved painfully slowly to your lower lip, causing you to gasp.

“I’d really like to kiss you right now. You’d mind?”

You couldn’t breathe. You died. You were sure of it. His fingertip was still on your lips, sending jolts of electricity down your spine and all you wanted was him to replace it with his mouth. You nearly screamed the obvious answer to his question.

“No,” you whispered instead, unable to expand your chest with air, aching with anticipation. “Wouldn’t mind at all, Steve.”

He leaned in with one quick movement as if he was afraid you’d change your mind. Yeah, nope. Still, he hesitated an inch from your lips, giving you the last chance to retreat. Once again, nope.

You swallowed awkwardly loudly, licked your lips and met his before he could back out, which was a real concern, because so far you had barely made it to you kissing his cheek.

His hand was still on your face, cradling your jaw tenderly, his warm lips once again reluctant on yours, the lightest of touches. You closed your eyes, indulging the feeling. You didn’t see stars, but you could feel them in your veins when he added a little pressure, dancing with your lips in synch. You sneaked one of your hands to his chest, feeling his rapidly beating heart under your palm. Yours wasn’t any slower, but you had no care in the world. Only the fact that he was reacting to you this way mattered and that his lips were still on yours, his fingers curling around your nape. Your own clutched his suit jacket in response, returning you to reality at the same time.

Suit jacket. Party. People.

You parted from his mouth, fighting for some air, but didn’t let more than few inches between you. You were glad you were in his arms, because your legs got a bit wobbly and how the hell was he affecting you this much?

“Sorry,” Steve rasped, voice husky. “I got a bit… carried away.”

You shook your head, still out of breath, hungrily drinking in his scent as your forehead rested against his chest carefully for a second to regain your composure. Only then you retreated and opened your eyes.

“You can get carried away more often.”

When you looked up, you could see the corners of his mouth raised inconspicuously. His fingers trailed down, back to your waist.

“Deal. But not where all of my friends can see.”

Your belly caught fire at that premise and you quickly pecked his lips once more to seal the deal.

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“Did Rogers just make out on the dance floor?” Clint blurred out, exasperated. “You owe me an explanation, Tasha!”

“They’re soulmates,” Tony hummed, appearing out of nowhere, sounding smug. Natasha raised a challenging eyebrow. "You knew that too?!"

"I found her. Cool software you developed, by the way."

“I’m sorry, did you use my software to find Spangles’ soulmate? How?”

“Not my place to say,” she shrugged casually, but gave everyone around her – Clint, Bruce and Tony – a pointed look hinting them to leave it alone.

“He looks happy,” Bruce noted instead then, earning a smile from the redhead.

“He is. She’s good for him.”

“You know way too much, Romanoff. So, are we meeting her, the whole team together or what?” Tony whined, glancing the direction of the lovebirds as if he wanted to march to them and demand a proper introduction right now.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “The afterparty in our small circle. The sooner you end this monstrosity, the sooner you get to meet her officially.”

“Let’s end it right now then,” Tony decided, already making his way to the podium and Clint snorted at his behaviour.

“He hates you knew this before him. I’m surprised you didn’t tell me, though…”

“It’s new, Clint. And they deserve a little privacy,” she explained easily, which drew a resigned sigh from the archer – an involuntary agreement.

They were interrupted by Tony taking the microphone. “Alright, kids, time to wrap it up. Old man has other duties tonight too. Enjoy the fireworks, they start in a minute. Goodnight.”

“He’s such a man-child,” Natasha commented, rolling her eyes good-naturedly.

“Ah, come on, Tasha. Didn’t you hear all men are children? Let’s see the fireworks…”

Clint was already gone when she turned to follow him.

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If you were being honest, you did notice Steve watching you instead of the fireworks, just like you didn’t miss the tension in his shoulders at the loud bangs of explosions; he looked as if he was expecting an attack.

You, on the other hand, didn’t expect one and it came.

One moment you felt his eyes on you and the next, Steve was kissing the living daylights of you, stealing your breath. You had no idea how long it took for the two of you to part. You spent the rest of the ‘surprise’ dizzy, in a strange and very pleasant haze, leaning onto his side. Maybe you were getting too cuddly, the alcohol you had playing a role, but he didn’t seem to mind, his arm wrapped around your waist to keep you just where you had nestled. And to be fair, he had started it, alright.

You were beaming and didn’t care one bit if you looked like an idiot.

The guests left the party rather quickly after the fireworks, Stark’s earlier words effective. You stood with Steve on the balcony until the room cleared, moving inside when it was only the Avengers remaining. They took off their masks (as if those had been ever working and actually disguised their identity), settling on couches standing in circle in the upper part of the room.

Steve took your hand then, smiling encouragingly, and led you to the lion’s den. You weren’t that afraid, to be honest. You had met most of the team anyway.

“Thanks for the party, Tony. And the fireworks,” Steve nodded to his friend and the billionaire just waved it off.

“We all know it’s mostly Pepper who always executes my brilliant ideas,” he stated, oh so humble.

“I’m sure you can take a lot of credit, Mr.Stark. It was stunning, especially the end,” you added, hoping you didn’t sound as shaky as you got all of sudden.

Mr.Stark squinted, watching Steve half-amused, half-exasperated. “Well, I’d say the birthday boy seemed to find other things quite stunning during the fireworks, don’t you think?”

You felt the heat colour your skin at the idea of him watching you two kissing. You didn’t mind a little public display of affection, but it was still new territory for you and Steve. He seemed embarrassed too.

“Ignore him, he’s being a dick. Let’s introduce officially so he can stop pretending to be offended,” Natasha hummed and you smiled at her gratefully.

"Good plan. Now mask off, Sassy Queen."

"Watch it, Stark," Steve hissed at your side, stripping his mask. It calmed you, seeing his protective side. You instantly knew that he hadn’t been lying when saying that it wouldn’t truly matter if the Avengers didn’t warm up to you immediately – he would stay with you either way.

“Fair warning, I had this on my face the whole evening and I might look like a cartoon monster…”

Doctor Banner snorted at that, causing Mr.Barton to chuckle and you realized your mistake, quickly putting the mask away.

“You look just fine,” Steve assured you, smiling at you radiantly.

You took a deep breath, scanning the company. These were Steve’s friends. And the Earth’s mightiest heroes. No pressure. You cleared your throat, revealing your name and then took time to shake hands with each of the member of the team.

"Mr. Barton-“

“Clint. Nice to meet you,” he said evenly, his grip firm but kind. He seemed genuinely pleased to meet you.

“Doctor Banner. Uhm, sorry about the inappropriate remark earlier-”

“It’s Bruce. Don’t worry about it.”

You gave him a tight smile. “Thank you. Uhm, Mr. Stark…”

“Oh no. I’m not gonna tell you to call me Tony. You were pushing it. And you stole Capsicle’s virtue-“

“Oh please, Tony. You loved her sassy mouth. Now tune it down, we don’t want to scare Cap’s girl away,” Clint scolded him, winking at you right after. You grinned at him.

“Ouch. Betrayal. Fine, I’m Tony. Not too bad to meet you. Also, looks like someone else likes your sassy mouth.”

“Tony…” Steve sighed, giving him a disappointed look and you rather moved on, nodding at Natasha.

“Natasha.”

“Glad you got it right,” she smirked, leaving you to the last team member. The alien one.

Suddenly, you didn’t know what to do with your hands. A handshake seemed a bit inappropriate. So, intelligently, you did something that resembled an awkward curtsey. “Thor."

The king of Asgard looked impressed and you could feel Steve’s eyes on you, shining; they narrowed when Thor took your hand and kissed your knuckles for the second time that evening.

"Watch it, Thor, you might get punched if you're not careful," Tony snarked, but the god just laughed.

"Oh no. I have no intention to come between brother Steven and his lady, no matter how enchanting she is. It was not visible in the crowd, but I can see the brightness of their soul bond now."

Your hand fell slackly to your side when he said the words, your whole body frozen with shock.

"Soul bond?" Steve questioned softly, moving closer to your side, arm sneaking around your waist possessively.

"I can see with more than my eyes,” he informed you. “And yours and Steven's souls are truly gravitating when near each other. Do not be alarmed at such occurrence. It is a good sign, mark of a strong and healthy binding."

"No pressure," Clint uttered, while Tony murmured “Kinky,” making you blush furiously and Natasha roll her eyes.

“Alright, stop torturing the poor lovebirds,” she came to your rescue then. “Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself?”

“I’m game,” Clint exclaimed, falling onto a couch. “Please, tell us. Don’t make us aim a bed lamp to your face…”

You giggled at his easy tone, obediently taking a seat, nestling next to Steve.

Soon, the talk moved onto different topics as well, the others actually joining the conversation, putting you at ease. Too much of an ease; after such a long evening, your eyelids started to close on their own and every time you blinked them open, it was harder to keep them that way.

“Hey, Cap, I think you’re gonna have a girl in for a sleepover,” someone pointed out with hushed voice, which caused you to jolt awake.

Mild laugh erupted around the room.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, tongue heavy, and you climbed to your feet. You could feel Steve’s hands hovering over you as you swayed. Damn your sleepy balance. “I’ll go.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You can have my bed. And if you don’t want to, there is a spare room somewhere, right, Tony?” Steve more stated than asked, sending your heart racing. His bed?

“Well, I’m kinda tempted to say no and see where it goes if she sleeps in yours…”

Your head snapped to him in perfect sync with Steve’s.

“Tony!”

You bit your cheek, unsure what to think of the horror in Steve’s voice. “’s fine. I’ll call a cab.”

“No, you won’t,” Steve protested softly. “You okay with my bed?”

“Haven’t seen your bed…” you pointed out, words slurring a bit. “ ’Zit comfy?”

“Aww…”

“Alright, let’s go,” Steve swept you off your feet right into his arms, a startled yelp erupting from your chest, your hands immediately clutching his shoulders. Where had he lost the jacket? The shirt was freaking hot and the seams on it seemed to cry around his arms. It was nice. Really, really nice.

“Thanks, doll, but let’s agree you tell me later,” he pleaded lowly and given the fact everyone laughed, you were sure you said at least some of the praises out loud. Oh.

“ ‘kay. Night, guys…”

“Goodnight. Hey, I hope you’re staying for tomorrow’s game afternoon and movie night!” Clint cried after you, making you squint as your mind tried to remember. Had they talked about that earlier? You couldn’t recall.

“Uh-huh…” you hummed indecisively, burying your head in the crook of Steve’s neck as he carried you away. Jeez, he didn’t look bothered by your weight at all. What a neat trick. However, you could feel his muscles shifting with each step, clenching deliciously. “You’re strong.”

“Yeah, that was the point of the serum,” he whispered to your hair and as you giggled at his joke, your sense of balance messed up when the both of you suddenly went down. Where did you get into an elevator?

“Good job then…”

The rest of the journey was silent and before you knew it, you were being gently lowered to soft cushions. They felt like heaven, fluffy foam of clouds, but you liked Steve’s warm embrace better. You liked Steve better, period.

A kiss landed on your forehead with a silent chuckle. “I like you too.”

You were suddenly warm all over. Steve liked you too. Yay! He was the sweetest and the best and he liked you! You were suddenly so sure he would like the humble gift you had got him and was still sitting in your nightstand. You should have brought it with you, but you were such a chicken about his reaction in front of everyone… now it seemed silly. Steve wouldn’t be anything but thankful for you thinking about him…

“That I would, even when I told you not to buy me anything. Get some sleep, doll. I’ll be right here on the couch if you need me, okay?” he coaxed, brushing your hair from your face.

Did you… say that out loud? And did he mention staying right here? Until morning?

Yeah, dummy, that’s the purpose of a sleepover. You know that.

You groaned as you sobered up a bit. “I should change and remove my make-up. Promise not to scream when you see me. You have a spare toothbrush?”

“I do.”

Steve lent you a pair of shorts and a t-shirt instead of a pyjama too and soon you were tucked in the covers, facing the bathroom door, waiting for him to emerge. You were painfully sleepy, but you had to resist for a while longer.

Surprise was written all over his face when he found you still awake. Also, he had no shirt. Your first thought when seeing his ridiculously perfect abs and bare arms in their whole glory was ‘god bless America’. The second was never mind, even the better.

“Hey, is something wrong?” he worried and you nodded solemnly. “What is it?”

“The bed’s too big,” you whispered, making him frown in confusion.

“Don’t know what to do about that…”

You rolled your eyes, moving to make space for him on the side closer to his perfectly baffled form. “Use your imagination, Rogers.”

His mouth formed a small ‘o’, no sound coming out.

“Please? You’re warm. And I want to cuddle. Pleeease?” you whined, not caring you probably sounded like a needy bitch.

You weren’t lying. Sure, Steve wore a pair of pyjama pants and nothing to cover his torso, which, yummy, but you honestly meant no funny business. You just wanted to sleep with your sweet soulmate in reach. That was all. For now.

“You sure?”

“Very. Come here, Steve. I’ll be a gentleman, promise,” you swore with a tired smile, breaking into a content grin when he slipped into the covers with hushed laughter. “Thank you. And thanks for tonight. Was nice.”

“Yeah,” he breathed weakly, his hand finding yours.

You melted at the gesture, but you needed more. Eyes on his face to observe his reaction, you scooted closer, carefully laying your head on his chest.

God, you could die a happy woman when his arm wrapped around you. When he kissed your hair and whispered a goodnight, you contentedly closed your eyes and drifted to sleep in no time.

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Part 5

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Tags:

@cxptain @mermaidxatxheart @smilexcaptainx , @murdermornings@irepostthingsiwanttoseelater , @polarcrystall @eliza5616, @rayofdawnworld @victor-criss-bish @skychild29 @elysianecho @simmisblog @scentedsongrebel @orions-nebula, @sergeantrosabellaswan @songofcosplay, @ilovesupersoldiers @wxstedhexrt @silver-winter-wolf

Tags open, if anyone is interested ;) In case anyone wants out ( :( ), lemme know too.

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I’m sure you figured that this whole installment is a fluffy mess with attempt at humour. You’ll have to stick around if you want more plot ;) Thank you for reading!

#marvel #fanfiction #steve rogers x reader #captain america x reader #soulmate au #captain america #steve rogers #captain america imagine #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x you #captain america x you #fluff #avengers #mcu #the best mistake of my life #anika ann

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marleahsblogs · 3 years ago

Text

Top 5 Hobbies During the COVID-19 Pandemic

It has been almost two years now since the COVID-19 started. It has led to a dramatic loss of human life worldwide, has affected millions of people losing their jobs, homes, and loved ones. The governments were not ready to face the economic and existential threats; medical workers risked their lives trying to save countless patients every day. The military and police personnel went sleepless in the streets to keep the community disciplined. It has been two years of trying to survive to this pandemic that we did not know would change our whole lives.

The topic I have chosen After surviving this pandemic myself, I couldn't be more grateful to the Lord for preserving and protecting me. I may say that these could be one of the worst years of my life, but it has taught me a lot of things. Including being resourceful of my time, and learning how to cope up with a pandemic through existing and building new hobbies. I chose the topic, "Top 5 Hobbies During the COVID-19 Pandemic" because I want to know how other people are doing during this pandemic, as well as help other people on how to keep themselves sane in this new normal life. I have created a survey that consists of 34 respondents ages 16 and above, and below are the interesting results I have found from their responses. Top 5 Hobbies and Description of Each 1. Movies / Netflix & Chill Yep, this has gotten to the top spot of all hobbies. Ever since the cinemas closed due to the pandemic, this became the new tradition of the people worldwide. We can't help it, laying in the bed, and watching movies is one of the most chill things to do. I personally could spend half of the day doing Netflix and chill when I've got nothing else to do.

2. Listening to Music Another new normal thing we do is working from home and taking online classes. We tend to be bored with this new routine of rising up in bed, moving to the work desk, and going back to bed. One thing that could kill the boredom is listening to music. Simply listening to music can be soothing for the soul, mind, and body. It's an all-around mood booster that many enjoy.

3. Playing Video Games

Video games exploded in popularity when COVID-19 started. This was already famous before, but now it's everywhere. A video game is a game played using a desktop computer, laptop, mobile phone, and other electronic gaming devices. Before the pandemic, I barely played video games because I am more inclined in spending time with my friends. But now, I am playing crypto games to earn and have fun. Video games are a phenomenal form of entertainment best for the ongoing pandemic.

4. Playing with Pets We all have been severely affected by the loss of our daily routines as we know them and the prospect of further deaths from COVID-19. Therefore it is not surprising that we play with our cats, dogs, and other animals. Pets give emotional support without prejudice, and interaction with animals helps decrease tension and anxiety in especially in situations of stress.

5. Cooking and Baking

Cooking and baking are increasingly done not just for sustenance but also for comfort and entertainment by people who are self-quarantined. Study shows that it has various advantages, such as reducing stress and mood control. Cooking passion has grown into a type of self-care, which we have needed terribly through years of isolation.

The process on how I conducted the mini-survey

After deciding on the topic I want to use for the survey, I went to the Google Forms site. I made three sections for the whole mini-survey. The first one was informed consent. There, I discussed the purpose of the survey, what will be done, their confidentiality, and their right to withdraw anytime. I have noted that only ages 16 and above are allowed to participate in the survey. I also wrote my details in case they have inquiries about the survey. In the consent form, they will be clicking an option that says, "Yes, I agree." It confirms that they have read and understood the information I have given to them and that they voluntarily agree to answer the survey. In the second section, I created a demographic form where the participants could provide their personal details for data collection. The first two things they will be providing are a complete name and email address. However, as noted in the first section, they are not required to fill it in but only if they feel comfortable doing so. Then the last two things they should provide are age and gender.

The last section was the most fun part which is all about their top 5 hobbies during the COVID-19 pandemic. I made four questions for them to answer. The first question is, "What are your top five hobbies to do during the Covid-19 pandemic?" I chose the checkboxes as a type for that question. I put 15 options for them to choose from, including others as something else they have in mind that is not in the choices. The choices are the following: movies/Netflix and chill, video games, art, music, exercise/workout, learning a language, reading, cooking/baking, learn a craft, cleaning, organizing, virtual bonding with friends and family, taking care of plants, playing with pet/s, and others.

The second question for the third section of the survey was, "How many hours do you partake in the hobbies you specified above?" Here, I made three options and it is in multiple-choice type as they could only choose one option. The options are 0-5 hours, 6-10 hours, 11-12 hours, and more than 12 hours. The third question I made was, "Do your hobbies help you cope up with the ongoing pandemic?" wherein they would choose in a multiple-choice form of "yes", "no", or "maybe". And for the last question, I wanted them to share with me their thoughts and feelings about their top 5 hobbies during the Covid-19 pandemic. I chose the form of a paragraph, instead of a short answer because I want them to feel free in sharing their insights no matter how long. This was what I gave, "Kindly add up your thoughts and feelings about your top 5 hobbies during the Covid-19 pandemic." And that was the end of my mini-survey.

Responses in the Mini-Survey

Now I am going to share with you the summary of my participants' responses. There was a total of 34 respondents, from ages 16-44. The age with the highest number of respondents is 21. 55.9% were females, while 44.1% were males. For the question of top five hobbies to do during the Covid-19 pandemic, I will be listing the answers from the highest count to the lowest: movies/Netflix and chill (85.3%), music (70.6%), video games (70.6%), playing with pet/s (52.9%), cooking/baking (44.1%), exercise/workout (38.2%), virtual bonding with friends and family (29.4%), organizing (26.5%), reading (26.5%), cleaning (23.5%), learning a language (11.8%), taking care of plants (5.9%), learning a craft (2.9%). The other options provided by my participants are writing (2.9%), tutorials (2.9%), learning map-making/geography and "dinosaur" anatomy/mechanics (2.9%), sleeping (2.9%), series, TikTok, dancing (2.9%).

Most of my participants spent 6-10 hours partaking in their hobbies, followed by 0-5 hours, then more than 12 hours, and lastly 6-10 hours. This shows that they are actually spending a lot of time doing their hobbies during the pandemic. 73.5% said that their hobbies helped them cope up with the ongoing pandemic, 23.5% said maybe, and 2.9% said that it didn't. Lastly, their thoughts and feelings about their hobbies during the pandemic were mostly positive.

Here's a small reminder to keep you motivated during this COVID-19 pandemic. God bless! ♡

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epic-potato-crisp · 3 years ago

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Courtship - Part 2 (AjinWeek2020/7)

Notes:

Part 2 is here after...a year?

Originally, this was supposed to be posted for Ajin Week 2020 Day 7: Anything goes. The whole story was just supposed to be two chapters, however I want to expand it a little and now we're at looking at 3-4. Stay tuned for further updates! (I'm considering whether Twilight is the right choice for their movie night. It's very temping. There are five (5) movies and so very little of Kei's patience.)

———————————————-

“I’m sorry, what?” Tosaki says.

Yeah, Kei probably shouldn’t have agreed to this. On the other hand, the look of pure bewilderment on his team leader’s face replaces about a month of entertainment for him. At the very least. It’s a fair deal.

“We’re dating.” Kou explains sheepishly, for the second time, scratching at his neck.

“Since when?” Hirasawa asks, appearing just as invested as he is amused.

Izumi hasn’t said anything yet, instead observing them in silence.

“Since like right now.” Kou says, laughing awkwardly, “It was pretty spontaneous. Right, Kei?”

“Don’t drag me into this.” Kei responds briskly.

“Hey, you just said yes!” Kou argues, his brows furrowing.

“And I’m regretting it more and more.” Kei snipes back.

“Oof, boys, 20 minutes in and trouble in paradise already. It’s not looking good, huh?” Ogura comments.

“It’s just a…trial.” Kei says, anxiety still spiking up in him months later at the thought of the any kind of experiment, “For a week. More for research purposes than anything.”

“Research purposes, now we’re talking.” Ogura chimes in, “What’s your hypothesis? Are you going to need help evaluating the data?”

“Can you even evaluate a relationship that way?” Hirasawa argues, “In numbers? That sounds strange to me.”

“Well, plenty of psychological studies say yes, so.” Ogura shrugs, “So Nagai, what’s your deal?”

“The hypothesis is that seven days of close interaction will not lead to me murdering him.” Kei glares in Kou’s direction, “And that he will shut up about my dating life.”

Kou coughts out something that suspiciously sounds like “what life”, for which Kei elbows him in the ribs, hard.

“Yeah, what he said.” Kou wheezes, returning the glare in kind.

“And we’re not really going to write a report about it. We’re just letting it run simultaneously. Would that be with you?” Kei asks.

Tosaki stares at them for a full minute and then leaves the room without another word.

“I’ll just be-“ Izumi says, apologetically, hurriedly following after him.

“You boys have my blessing.” Hirasawa says, winking at them and toasting in their direction with his barley tea.

“Mine too, with a little extra sprinkle of blessing on top if you do take a few notes about it.” Ogura says, “From a sociological perspective, it’s pretty hilarious. Completely anonymous, of course.”

“Fine, I can do that.” Kei says, “I’m bored as it is.”

They take their leave.

“Well, you’re not going to be bored for long with me around.” Kou says, once they’re out of earshot, grinning at him brightly.

Kei grimaces. “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”

Kei hadn’t believed that dating Kou would be difficult- to be truthful, he hadn’t considered the situation at all, but here they were. But reality is a whole different obstacle.

First, there’s the hand-holding. It’s been a good while since Kei had held hands with anyone, frankly, when he was in elementary school and crossing the street with Eriko, and that had been more of a safety precaution than anything. It’s an unnecessary amount of touch in his opinion, the sweaty entanglement of fingers grossing him out in theory. In practice…it’s not really that bad.

Kou slips his hand into Kei’s, that evening as they’re taking a walk around the forest. It comes as a surprise to him. They had just been strolling around aimlessly for a while, trying to clear their head from a day of training and the awkward conversation earlier. Lost in his own thoughts, Kei startles a little at the sudden physical contact.

“The cicadas are really fucking loud, aren’t they?” Kou says, almost nonchalantly. Kei notices that his grip, although confident at first, loosens a little in hesitation, giving Kei the opportunity to pull away. He considers it. However, instead of sticky and oppressive, the touch is comforting somehow. Which is weird, considering there is no purpose to it. But then, there is no purpose to this entire trial run, Kei concludes, which makes up his mind. He hums noncommittally and squeezes back. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see how the other’s face lights up in surprise. “Maybe they just have a lot to talk about.” Kou stumbles to add. “Maybe they’re just as chatty as you.” Kei replies sarcastically. Kou laughs. “Yeah, probably.” he agrees, grinning. They continue walking until dusk approaches, coloring the sky in shades of purple and blue.

Izumi’s waiting for them when they get back with two glasses of chilled water. They say their thanks, Kou gulping down his water in a flash and wiping his mouth with his arm.

“Ah man, thought I was going to die of thirst.” he says, sighing blissfully as he goes in for a refill.

“Literally impossible in that short of a time span.” Kei corrects him, but he too can’t help a small sigh of relief. August brings about a heat wave that makes him even more grateful for the air conditioning at the hideout. He regrets to think that he “voluntarily” signed up for a training camp during this very time of the year when he could have instead spent his days in his room doing practice questions. Pure insanity. He’ll definitely get Sato back for this.

“By the way, Tosaki-san is okay with you… dating.” Izumi explains, “He was just a bit overwhelmed at the situation.”

Not only him, Kei thinks grimly.

“Well, it’s just for a week!” Kou interjects, with an embarrassed laugh, “We’re not sure about anything yet, you know?” Kei side-eyes him hard. His attempts at preserving his chances with Izumi-san are obvious enough that it’s almost pitiable. “Well, I am. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dating someone like you.” he scoffs, which should serve Nakano’s agenda well, ignoring the slight constriction ins his chest. The walk must have tired out his muscle more than he realized.

“So he is okay with it?”

“Well.” Izumi bites her lip, “He said that by your mere existence, you’ve ruled out his two biggest concerns, so after that he doesn’t really care what happens. Unless it jeopardizes your training, of course.”

Yes, that does sound indeed like Tosaki.“And those concerns are?” Kei asks, genuinely curious.

“You can’t get pregnant and you can’t die.” she says, matter-of-fact. Kou chokes on his water.

“In that particular order, in case you were wondering.” she adds, rolling her eyes.

“Wow.”says Kei, any other words temporarily not coming to mind.

That’s one obstacle removed.

For some strange reason, having a boyfriend doesn’t magically remove Kei’s above average exhaustion after what the others refer to as one instance of basic interval training.

“I can carry you the rest of the way.” Kou grins, kneeling beside Kei who is currently wheezing into the ground, fingers digging into the earth. Thirty situps, followed by half an hour of jogging? Give him a break. He’s been through 15 and already wishes he were six feet under.

Permanently, that is.

“Are you dumb?” Kei coughs out, “How on earth would I benefit from that exercise?”

“Well, you could rest- you seriously sound like you’re gonna pass out any second.” Kou pointed out, “And I could get some strength training in. Win-win. I know I’m strong enough to carry you.” He has the audacity to wink at Kei.

“Hirasawa-san!” Kou yells and runs over to where the older man is standing and timing them. With Kou gesturing broadly while explaining, and Hirasawa nodding eventually, Kei knows his fate is sealed.

“Pick me up.” He says, lethargically stretching his limbs skywards once Kou comes back for him.

“Just get on my back like a normal person.” Kou laughs at his purposeful display of weakness, “Unless you really want the bridal carry?”

“Hell no.”

“Your choice, Nagai.”

Remarkably enough, riding on Kou’s shoulders is not as bad as an experience as Kei had imagined it to be. He gets a ride across their training grounds, coupled with brilliant view of the clear blue sky and puffy clouds that drift by without a care in the world, and his only physical exertion is reserved for clinging to his teammate just enough so that he doesn’t fall off.

Which is to say minimal. For all his bragging, Nakano really does have profound upper body strength.

“See? Told you I could easily carry you!” Kou teases.

Easily.

Kei doesn’t know what does it, the confidence emblazoning his tone, the mere fact that Nakano was right or the reality of the situation where he picked him up and carried him around like it was nothing.

Kei’s heart starts to beat a little faster.

“I’m not sharing a bed with you.” Kei declares, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“What’s the big deal? Couples do it all the time.” Kou says.

It’s close to midnight and he’s standing at Kei’s door, armed with his phone and a pillow.

“Yes, but we’re not a couple.

“We are for this week.” Kou points out and damn, he is right. He pouts at Kei.

“So we only have a week. Please, Nagai?”

“You know how I feel about physical contact.” Kei glances back at his bed, which looks perfectly designed to host one person, and one person only. As it should.

“Well, I mean we don’t have to cuddle. Unless that’s…something you want?” Kou throws him an inquisitive gaze, the tips of his ears reddening.

“Of course it’s not, you moron!” Kei snaps back, a blush rising to his cheeks.

“Well then what the hell is your issue?” Kou says, slightly frustrated.

“I don’t want to share a bed with you, that’s it. Good night.”

Kei slams the door close in his face.

He hears his teammate/boyfriend-for-the-week groan and the head of to God knows where.

Kei fortifies his resolve – he doesn’t even need to give a reason, and yet he gave perfectly acceptable to deny his overnight stay.

Perhaps that’s his only issue.

Perhaps he also doesn’t want Kou to be able to listen to his steadily accelerating heartbeat whether they’re in close proximity.

But that’s something Kou is better of not knowing about.

Little by little, the hand-holding is integrated in their daily routine. Not when anyone can see them. And only if there’s nothing immediate that needs to be done. A brush of fingers as they pass each other in the hallway. Kou’s hand naturally slipping into Kei’s as they’re watching a video on his phone. Kou’s fingers grasping for Kei’s in the middle of a team meeting, right under the table, and Kei holding on for just a second too long, a scene that he will replay in embarrassment in his memories later.

Sometimes Kei wishes it wouldn’t feel as comfortable as it does, because this too is something that he will have to erase once their week comes to an end.

“Oh yeah, can we use the room later?” Kou asks, three days into their trial, barely swallowing down his food in time to ask the question. Which is directed at Tosaki, an unspoken agreement that comes with trying to sort out most hideout-related issues. Because the man really is the only person that would find a problem with that, Kei thinks grimly, and isn’t disappointed.

“For what?” Tosaki asks, suspicion setting into his features. Or perhaps that’s just his default look these days.

“Like, for a movie night?” Kou says, “The screen in here is really big.”

There is dead silence. Kei picks at his soba and tries to stave off his oncoming headache.

“Why?”

“Dunno, cause we want to have one?” Kou tilts his head curiously, “If you guys aren’t gonna use it, we can have it, right?”

Ogura tries to turn his laugh into a cough, failing miserably.

“Yeah, Yuu, don’t be such a spoilsport. Let them have it.”

“What are you calling me?”

“I already said I’m cool with Ikuya, you’d just have to stop being so uptight about it.” Ogura shrugs, gesturing at him with his chopsticks.

“This room is reserved in the evenings.” Tosaki grits out between his teeth, ignoring Ogura’s third consecutive attempt that day to get under his skin, if Kei is keeping count correctly.

“Damn it. “ Kou sighs, “You can’t make an exception?”

Tosaki’s eyebrow twitches.

“Wouldn’t a couch be more comfortable than chairs?” Hirasawa interjects, right before Kou can continue in what Kei knows is a losing battle, “There’s one in the storage room. It’s a little battered, but it will do the job.”

“Yeah, I actually think there’s a projector in their too.” Manabe says, “You won’t need a screen. We’ll just get the laptop hooked up. Kind of like a home cinema.” He smiles nostalgically at the prospect: “Haven’t been to one in ages.”

Tosaki sighs.

“Hell yeah.” Nakano says, pumping his fist. He grins at Kei: “What do you say, Nagai?”

“Whatever.” Kei says, despite feeling strangely excited at the idea, taking another bite to avoid further conversation.

Izumi appears thoughtful. “I might be subscribed to a streaming service, if I remember correctly.” she says, “So make use of that if you will.”

“It will be better than risking a computer virus.” she adds, awkwardly, as Tosaki shoots a glare in her direction.

“Izumi-san, Hirasawa-san, Manabe-san, you’re the best!” Kou proclaims loudly, his body positively vibrating with excitement, “This will be the most amazing movie night ever!”

Hirasawa chuckles. “You’re welcome. We’ll help you set it up right after dinner.”

“And I’ll check the wifi and my login details.” Izumi says, pointedly avoiding eye contact with her boss.

“I’m glad everyone has their priorities for the evening sorted.” Tosaki says icily.

Kou gives Kei a winning grin, which seems to say: “I promised you a movie night, and I made it happen.”

For all intents and purposes, Kei is the slightest bit impressed. Which is yet another tidbit of information Nakano doesn’t need to possess.

“You better not make me sit through one of your dumb action movies.” he mutters, instead.

This is going to be a long night.

#ajin #ajin demi human #ajinweek20 #ajin fanfic #courtship

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hushed-potato · 5 years ago

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She, she was the light that saved me from that darkness. I’m just trying to hold on to it, hold on to her as long as I can. I didn’t think that the universe would let the stars align like this, not after three centuries worth of unforgivable things I’ve committed. I see her and what could be good in the world, hell, sometimes I think I could see a glimpse of what’s good in me. That’s a gift I will forever cherish. No one else has done that for me and it’s changed me in ways I would never imagine.

I can’t fathom what gods thought I deserved such a blessing, but I am grateful. But even such a blessing is a curse in disguise. When I laid in that coffin lifetimes ago and even after I escaped, I could never imagine this happening to me. Her happening to me. And now she’s so embedded in my life I could never forgive myself if anything happened to her. I don’t know if I can live in a world without her. She’s my light. She is now everything that my world revolves around. She is the gravity that’s pulling together everything that I know. Life without her is to be swallowed whole by darkness again but with no return. And if I ever go back to that dark, wretched place, I may never be the same. I will never come back from it, not if she ceases to exist in the same moments I live. Not after she’s touched my soul like she has. I know that I can’t fight darkness without her, because now I am nothing without her. If I have to put my life down over and over again to keep her safe, I will. I will sacrifice myself to make sure nothing dims her light. I would die a million times over and over, as long as it means I get to spend every living moment with her. Because the thought of losing her scares me more than death itself. There is no one and nothing else that will come after her.

- hushed potato, Unhad Conversations with Carmilla (inspired by Carmilla webseries/movie)

[ This was something I’ve written awhile ago. Unsure whether I was comfortable sharing or not. I’ve been a fan of the Carmilla series and one night I ran with the idea of Carmilla having a serious conversation, probably with LaFontaine, about how deeply in love and devoted she is to Laura, and basically admitting how much she needs Laura herself. Somewhat of a extended version of a short piece I posted before. ]

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bearsfakedthemoonlanding · 4 years ago

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Trans Boy Day Vlog

“Hey, Joseph... you know that vlogs are video-blogs, right?”

No, I don’t. I like the word.

[CW: misgendering, musing about gender meant to pass absolutely no judgment and probably mean absolutely nothing to anyone else besides myself. this tumblr really is for myself and my thoughts, and if something i think or feel or say affects you negatively-- i’m so sorry.

we all experience ourselves and our lives very differently. i cannot expect my experiences to fit you nicely, just as you can’t expect yours to fit me either. what i say is about myself, my own life, and my own boyhood. however you experience yours is just as valid as my own.]

Today is a good day! It’s been two shifts since I’ve embarrassed myself terribly, and I think we can keep this up with enough effort. Go team. I was “ma’am”d and unfortunate amount of times today. Enough so that I looked to my chef and said, “okay, dude, level with me. what the fuck am I doing wrong?”

because let me paint you a picture. black sneakers. baggy black jeans. a black uniform t-shirt. a black apron, not synched at the waist. a binder. no boobs. a black face mask that covers everything under my eyes. a black baseball cap on backwards. thick glasses. if anything, i am shapeless. i am the same height and build as two of my cis-male coworkers. and yet, all fuckin’ day, I get “ma’am�� and “miss” and “dear” and “baby”

I don’t hate pet names. I really don’t. any time a sweet older woman calls me “baby” it increases my HP by like. +5. God bless the south. but men don’t call each other “baby,” so every time a man does it, I lose a month off of my life. just a month. let’s not be melodramatic here.

if men went around calling each other “baby” then we would have no problems! but they don’t. so i seeth.

what. am. i. doing. wrong.

we decided it just has to be the voice. allegedly I don’t have feminine mannerisms, and i don’t walk weird, and nothing about me outwardly screams “girl.” so what gives?

the voice.

testosterone, baby, i’m begging you. drop me already, please for the love of God.

isn’t gender a funny thing? for my own personal use, i could care less. who i am in private, or around my good close friends, or my partner, is ambiguous and without bounds. that boy doesn’t need any rules or guidelines. he can act however he acts, and it’s all okay.

but in public i get “baby” and “sweetheart” and “dear.” with certain coworkers i feel the pressure to “butch up,” lest they think i’m faking it.

faking it. fuck me, right? oh to live in a way that is effortless. i spent so much time as a girl trying to act properly like one, hoping against hope that enough “faking it” would turn it from “faking it” into “feeling it.” being a girl was so hard. giving up on being a girl wasn’t much better, because yeah I was more comfortable with myself, but then i was just “bad at being a girl.” and for a while that was enough, because i was still so angry and rebellious. you know how you are at seventeen/eighteen/nineteen but y’know. i don’t wanna be angry and rebellious forever. i just wanna be.

and i’ve wanted to be a man since i first imagined the option. thanks Mulan, you’re the real MVP. if this was conversion therapy camp, i’d site that movie as my “root.” but fuck that.

i don’t really want to be cis. i don’t know who the fuck i would be if i’d been born with a dick and shoved into masculine roles my entire childhood. i have no idea what that kid would have been like, who they would have grown up to be. so much of who i am is because of who i was when i was little. how could i ever try and get rid of that? pain and confusion and all that was wrapped up in it, it wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t just constant misery. it was a lot of good. and to have not had that, to have not spent so much time discovering this person that i am now.

i don’t know who that person would be. i don’t know if i would like them.

passing socially feels like trying to tick things off of a checklist. fit into a nice little descriptor. i am a “dude.” i am “sir.” i am “son” and “guy” and “young man.” or at least, i am everything that is not “maam” and “girl” and “young lady” and “miss.”

sometimes, secretly, i wish i could be comfortable like that. i imagine myself as a girl/lady/woman who hears those words and they feel right, but it feels like that woman exists at the end of a different path. as if, somewhere between eleven and fourteen i took a fork in the road that brought us here. and if i’d taken the other fork, i would have been there with Her.

she would have bouncy bobbed hair and wear cute skirts and suspenders, and she would be a spitfire and confident, and she would still be entirely me. all the feelings and smiles and mannerisms and humor and interests, but she would be a girl.

but i’m not her. i’m that person, that same exact person, those same feelings and smiles and mannerisms and humor and interests, but i’m a boy. i feel it deep in my gut, in my chest. i don’t know what it would take to get to Her. I tried a long long time to get to her. i don’t want to keep trying.

why fight it? why fucking bother, when this is so comfortable? when i LOVE who i am, as a boy, all cropped hair and tough jeans and bruised knees and knuckles and mud on my shoes and eventually a deeper voice, an adams apple, a kind smile and strong hands and my dad’s ears

yeah. i’ve had this vision for a while now. i’ve been this boy for a while now, i just didn’t quite know Him yet. i am so grateful for who i’ve grown up to be. for the man i’m growing into. maybe it’s taking me longer than other guys, sure. but we all take our own time.

besides, my family is full of late bloomers.

give me a few years, and i’ll look just right, and feel just right, and i won’t miss the woman I could have become, because really

y’know what?

genders an illusion anyways. men, women, fuck it.

i’m incoherent, please forgive me. i’m on three hours of sleep and five cups of coffee and a few pain killers. it’s been a long day. but i’m so happy.

#ftm #trans boy #trans guy #lgbt #queer

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pjstafford · 4 years ago

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A Look at my 2020

The end of the year is upon us. It’s been a tough one for all of us. It is a year we will all remember forever. I want to do a positive reflection of this year. I will probably write a blog about what I hope our country’s New Years Resolutions should be. The thoughts on that have been rolling around my head for a few days. But today, December 16, at 4:30 a.m. and unable to sleep, that 2020 familiar dread of what will happen today waking me early, I want to look at some positives. I want to unwrap the positives of 2020 like a Christmas gift before Christmas so that I can wrap myself in them as a blanket of warmth. One thing that I have been truly impressed with is the resilience of the human spirit. Let’s call this a resilience exercise.

Counting my blessings one by one...

1. I am alive. Surviving is a cause for celebration. As far as I know I have been COVID free...although there were a few days in April or early May when I was sick with something and in Feb I had the strangest cold in my life and this time last year weeks of fatigue ended in frozen shoulder syndrome on Christmas Eve. See, I want to be thankful, but I don’t want to be naive in my retrospection. Best to be honest. I’m not sure if I had COVID or not, but if I did I survived with relatively minor symptoms. Every cough or sniffle I feared in a completely irrational way was COVID. There was the week I walked around sniffing everything to make sure I could still smell. It dawns on me it is going to be difficult to write a honest and, yet, positive, retrospective of 2020. I am alive, but I have never been less healthy. I’ve gained weight. I haven’t had the physical exercise to which I am accustomed and now when I try to take a long walk I realize my stamina is gone. It will take years of concentrated effort once things are “back to normal” for me to become normal again. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I did yoga daily in the Spring and switched to an online Tai chi class in the summer, but I don’t live near beauty or anything interesting so wasn’t motivated to walk and just my everyday life of lockdown in a studio apartment meant less movement. All of which sounds even to me like not very good justification. Did I mention though that I survived. I am alive. I will take that as blessing number one.

2. No one I care about very deeply has died or even been seriously ill from COVID. Doesn’t March 2020 seem far away? I don’t want to be dismissive of 300;000 dead especially with more to come. I or someone I love could still be gone by New Years Day. But in March and April we held our breaths for an apocalypse and at some point most of us decided to take a breath. I don’t know really if it’s good or bad that we have simply adjusted our normal and the number deaths we are willing to accept. It’s bad, what am I saying? It’s bad. But how long can we wait in fear? So I don’t know, but I want to count as a blessing that those I love have all survived to date. I cannot vanquish the fear, but I can be grateful for survival.

3. I have maintained employment in a bad economy and have mostly been able to work from home. There have been some struggles. Sometimes the work I do is depressing. Sometimes I feel I don’t make a difference. There has never been a worse time to be an advocate...or a person with disability, or a caregiver, or a provider agency, or a health care professional. I have maintained employment.

4. I count among my blessings the fact that I had a wonderful 2020 before....remember there was a 2020 before. I love when my work takes me to Santa Fe for a prolonged time. A friend came out in Feb for a wonderful weekend. Another friend came to Albuquerque to see me for my birthday in early March. I remember thinking how social I was in those first ten weeks in 2020. It’s as if I somehow knew....it sustained me.

5. I count among my blessings that when I felt my mental health despair getting at its worse...the strain of living alone in a studio apartment, working from that same apartment and following the Governor orders not to go or do anything. ..that I had friends and two weekends of “risky” behavior; a friend who came for the Fourth of July holiday and an out of state trip to Durango in late September. I’m fortunate that when I had to have human contact my closest friends were there for me

6. I count as my blessings that Biden won the election. It’s not simply a matter of politics. I’m not sure if the last eight months of the Trump Presidency wasn’t worse for my morale than the pandemic because Trump kind of lost whatever semblance of sanity he had. Part of the trepeditation over what each new day will bring is what Trump will say, do, tweet, exacerbate. I still fear revolution in the street before Jan 20. The pandemic is not the worse of what America has gone through. That’s the oddest thing about this year.

7. Here is the blessing which probably will be unpopular. The lockdown and stress of all we have experienced is tough, but the slowdown is a blessing for me. My life had gotten pretty busy. While I miss travel, it’s ok for a year not to have had the time suck that travel for work entails. I will be so happy the first work trip I get to go on, but I feel like 2020 has given me the gift of time. It’s odd because, like many, my creative sense has suffered. I have written almost nothing. Still, I often think of a Dylan lyric, maybe in the next life I will be able to hear myself think. I could hear myself think this year. Unfortunately I thought about the existentialist angst of the meaning of life and my failures as a human being and I don’t think there is enough time still to process the effects of the pandemic and I’m sick to death of the sound of my thoughts, but....I have been given this unique gift of time. Even on December 16th I am not rushed to shop, to cook, to decorate, to go to a zillion parties. It’s a different year. The Holiday will still come. It is pleasant not to feel urgency over, let’s face it, non-urgent things. I am mentally and emotionally fatigued, but not nearly as physically exhausted as I was this time last year

8. The next one is a big one. The gift of living in the moment. I have spent my entire life since 7th grade when Miss O’Neil gave me a copy of The Rubyait of Omar Khayyam trying to live with the philosophy of living for the now. Clear the cups of past regrets...tomorrow, why I may be myself with yesterday’s seven thousand years. The only time I have ever truly experience this is in a handful of concert experience. Even now, I fear for my future and I blame myself for my mistakes. Still, my relationship with time has changed. There is the sun rising and setting and that is a day. Seasons will change. But the gift of time means I can approach my day differently. When five o clock comes on a workday, a needed nap is a step away. No where to go on a Friday night... no where I can go...means the weekend rhythm exists only as I define it. The simple pleasures we always take for granted mean something more now. There is a coffee truck that stops near me on Fridays and Saturdays. When it first started stopping I was over the moon that I could walk and get a latte with fairly little risk. If I go to the grocery store and have a conversation with a stranger, it is different than it was before. Mindfulness exercise and meditation is one thing, but nothing can compare with this year to further my lessons in this pursuit. May I take the lesson with me into years to come.

9. Zoom...yes, of course I have zoom fatigue. But five friends in five different states having a monthly drink together on zoom is a benefit of the pandemic. I watched a movie this year with someone who lives in Brazil. I celebrated a friend’s sixtieth person even though I couldn’t be with her. I’ve attended book discussions and readings in New York and I already have tickets to an event in March. Kind of love New York. I’ve never been there in person. Just a lot happens there. Educationally and socially the world is now open to me. I am not limited to what is going on in my community. I hope this doesn’t completely go away.

10. Finally, storytelling and music. I found it hard to read new things in the lockdown for a while, but in March friends asked me to a virtual book club of three books I already read and we reread them together which took us into the summer. I rediscovered the Foundation series of Asimov and suddenly I could read again! My favorite book I’ve read published in 2020 is Jess Walter’s The Cold Million. I did read a digital advance copy of David Duchovny’snew book due out in 2021 and it is, in fact, the breakout novel I knew this hot young writer would eventually write. Looking forward to 2021 book club! I finally binged Breaking Bad and The Travelers as well as The Queens gambit and watched Peanut Butter Falcon. I am doing a disability focused watch on the X Files and I better kick it it the rear because I’m presenting on it in Feb. at a conference. My God, Dylan put out his first original music in eight years. It will take me eight years to fully ingest it and enjoy it. You see, no matter what happens, humanity will tell its stories and gather to make its songs. It’s that human resilience. Creation of art is not trivial. It’s vital. It has continued in this odd and strange year. It is humanity’s greatest gift and I have definitely used it this year as a resilience and growth tool.

Those are my top blessings in this horrific and, yet, wondrous year. However, you have been impacted, what we all share in common is that In a very short time it will be a memory of a year in the past.

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caroline18mars · 5 years ago

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A Man On Fire - Chapter 75

“Harper! Va bene tesoro, sei arrivato, finalmente” Arno came walking up to her which made her stop in her tracks, oh god, what was he now? Late thirties? The last time she had seen him..was what? a decade ago?. Jared squeezed her hand as he too stopped but took a step forward as to protect her from the man approaching them, “Arno..ciao, come stai?” what else was there to say to someone who still felt like a stranger to her? Her eldest brother stopped in front of them seeing Jared's protective demeanour, “If you don't mind we'll switch to English, Arno, this is Jared, he's my ..boyfriend” she swallowed hard. “Nice to meet you, Jared, I'm Harper's brother, I believe we talked on the phone” he greeted Jared in impeccable English and impeccable manners, “nice to finally meet you too, Arno” Jared shook his hand. “You've grown into a beautiful, young woman” Arno smiled at his sister who stood there awkwardly biting her lip, “yeah, thanks..” she took a deep breath when she was pulled against her brother's hard chest in a hug, something they had never done in their entire life. It broke Jared's heart to see them act all awkward, so she had never experienced what it really was to have the support and the love of a sibling, he just couldn't imagine that he and Shannon would ever greet each other with such an emotional distance between them. “How's papa?” she quickly let go of her brother and asked the pivotal question, “same as yesterday I'm afraid..mama is with him now, the rest of the family has gone back to the hotel to get some rest” he nervously said, knowing full well how tense the situation could become between her and their mother. “Wait here, I'll go tell her to give you some time with him” he smiled and turned to go, Jared felt her hand tremble in his “oh babe, shhh, you nervous?” he pulled her against his chest and kissed the top of her head, “I don't know if this was such a good idea, I'm not sure I can do this” her breath flowed warm and soft through his shirt. “Of course you can do it, if you want I can come with you” ” he breathed in her hair “you decide”, it felt good that he left her the choice, right now it seemed like there had never existed a reason for their break up, maybe there wasn’t, maybe it was all that stupid pride of her all along, just like her pride was preventing her from just walking inside the hospital room of her father, pride and fear, the two most powerful and also most powerless words in the world. “I would prefer for you to be there with me, yes, are you sure you can handle that?” she slowly let go of him, “I can handle anything when you’re involved, remember that” he took her hand and kissed it, “come on, we’ll do this together”.

Harper saw her mother come out of the room without even giving her the light of day, “You’re only allowed 15 minutes” Arno gave her a faint smile, he too was dumbstruck by all the vile things their mother had just said to him about his sister, but he tried to hide it and opened the door to their father’s room for them. Jared walked in after her and saw her gasp just looking at her father who was attached to all kinds of tubes and machinery, “I can’t..” she turned to Jared, despair and fear flashing in her eyes, her breath weezing in her throat, “it’s ok, you can do this, go sit with him, I’ll be right here..there’s nothing to fear, ok?” what the fuck, he himself didn’t even believe his own words anymore, but he couldn’t allow himself to storm out of that room, he’d promised he was gonna be there for her and he was gonna keep that promise. He gave her a confident nod, she took a deep breath, turned around and headed towards the bed of her father again to pull a chair close to the side, “Ciao papa, sono io, Harper Coco” reluctantly she put her hand over his. This hand that had been raised towards her so many times, was now here resting underneath hers, so many fights, so much abuse, that entire hurricane of anger and hurt was stilled right here and right now where there was nothing left to say. That’s how she sat there for a few minutes, all still but Jared could see the war in her head that was raging, he would fly to the moon and back just to be able to help her, comfort her, but this was something she could only do herself, unfortunately.

It was so weird sitting here, all these tubes and machines didn’t scare her, she was getting used to them with all the huffs and puffs and bleeps but this silence between them was new and heavily uncomfortable, all her life her Dad had screamed and yelled at her and now he could no longer, which one was better? Did it matter right now?. “Why did you always hate me so much, papa? Because I didn’t follow your footsteps and be the good little girl you’ve always wanted me to be? Why couldn’t you accept the path I followed and what it brought me? Huh? Why? It brought me so much and made my life so much richer..and wealthier..maybe even your entire scene at the gallery has finally brought me fame, that’s the irony of it though, you of all people were the one who made me sell all those paintings, maybe I should be grateful, huh?!” she sarcastically huffed through the tears that were streaming down her face. “And you know what? My choice of life brought me Jared..and you like Jared, so you can be happy with that..and if not..well I guess that’s just tough because I’m not trading him for anyone”. Jared’s head shot up and despite the situation and the room they were in, his heart had never done more somersaults, meanwhile Harper kept talking, desperately trying not to unleash her pent-up anger of all those years, on her father. “You know, I keep asking myself the same question over and over again, was it worth it, Dad? Was it really worth all that anger, that hate you threw my way all those years? Disowning me? Taking my title away from me? I mean, was it all because I went my own way? Or was it to cover up something else?” now the words came pouring out, and she got all agitated “I guess I'll never know, will I? You come storming into that gallery on my big night and you just drop half dead on the scene? Was that another one of your little schemes to ruin my night? Was it? Why the fuck were you even there?”. The tears came fast and furious now, so Jared decided to step out of his little comfortzone on the other side of the room but she shot him such an angry glare when she heard him walk up behind her that he automatically decided to leave her be and he backed off again. “You made it feel for me like I never had a family, you turned everyone against me, nobody ever bothered to contact me in all those years, except you, wait no, your lawyer contacted me, you never even bothered to have a conversation with me! I've been dead to you for so many, many years, well guess what papa, you're dead to me too” she was sobbing so hard her voice was but a screech by now. “I did what I had to do, what was expected of me, so this is it, Dad, if this is too hard for you to keep holding on, or if you were waiting for me somehow then you can go, not that you need my blessing, but you can go” she angrily and roughly wiped the tears away with the sleeve of her jacket and nodded “whatever it's gonna be, you decide”.

Like it was meant to be, there was a soft knock on the door and a nurse walked in “I'm so sorry, Miss, but he needs his rest” and headed to the bed to check on his vitals. Harper quickly brushed the rest of her tears away and nodded, the last of her monologue with her father was without words, he could see it in the slowness with which she let go of his hand, Jared approached her for the second time, this time her reaction was a lot less hostile, “come” he reached for her hand and she grabbed it immediately, clinging to it as she got up and he escorted her slowly out of the room. “You ok?” her brother had worry scribbled all over his face when he walked up to them in the corridor, “No..yes..I don't know, ask me later ok?”, Jared felt her tremble, “listen..uhm..it's been a long day and I could do with a drink..something to eat, there's this place at the end of the block, maybe we could go together”. Before Harper could decline her brother's invitation, Jared nodded “good idea, give us all some time to catch our breath” she needed her family right now even though she would deny it, and so far Arno was her only ally. The hussle and bussle of New York did her good as they walked to the restaurant, it was the only trigger that entered right now as the conversation with and the sight of her Dad was playing on a loop inside her head. Jared held open the door for her and it was heartbreaking to see a grown up brother and sister act so awkward with and around each other, it was almost like a scene from a movie where the nervous older brother was 12 again and out with his kid sister, both of them so far out of their comfort zone, the older brother wants to comfort her, protect his little sister, but she looks so scared of him like they're not even siblings.

The waitress walked up to them with a huge smile, pointing at a booth in the middle of the crowded restaurant, “hey..” Arno put his hand over hers but she reacted like she was stung by a bee, trying not to pull her hand away too fast “it's ok..he's not here, he can't hurt you”, what did he just say? He knew? They had talked on the phone a few times, but they had never talked about anything this deep, so far he had always been the mediator, always choosing the middle of the road, staying away from the real issues and misery. “Wait, what? You know?” she suddenly hissed at her brother who turned bright red, like he was caught in the act, “Coco, I..” he tried to think of the right way to answer her question, “don't 'Coco' me, who am I kidding? You all knew, mother, our sisters, brothers, everybody knew that Coco was Daddy's punching bag and you never did anything to stop it?” she banged her fist on the table, making every head in the entire room turn. “Ok babe, shhhh, calm down” Jared put his hand on her fist to calm her down “it's ok, your brother doesn't mean any harm, just let him answer, just stay calm ok?” and to his surprise it worked and she remained calm. “Coco, I didn't know, ok, you've gotta believe me, I only found out about a few days ago from Mama, she mentioned something about you and Papa and..it triggered a few things I must have pushed away, so I kept asking her about it, we even had a fight..you have to believe me, Harper, that's why I called you”. It was the 'triggered a few things' part and especially the 'pushing away' that calmed her down, she knew he was telling the truth, this entire family was all about hiding and pushing things away, to the outside world they were the perfect, wealthy diplomates family with all those beautiful kids and their nannies travelling the globe. All the hurt, the physical pain, the blows, the fights, the authoritarian upbringing was always kept neatly inside, “I was hoping that you and I could finally start to reconnect again, I've been a lousy brother to you, so all I can hope for is that you'll give me chance to be that brother you desperately needed..I love you, Coco, you're my sister..” Arno whispered at her and it certainly had its' effect on her because she clasped her hand over her mouth and tears started rolling again, “I'll take that as a 'yes' as in 'yes, I will give you that chance to be my brother again', because nothing would make me happier, Coco”. Harper could hardly believe what she was hearing, could there finally be a glimmer of hope and light coming out of all this misery? “I've missed you so much, Arno..and I love you too” she nodded while swallowing her tears away.

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