#i am so down i just wanna go to sleep
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had a very sucky day. im not feeling great and like i might be heading towards some emotional crisis.
god i am so glad this dude sin't really a coworker of mine. i would habve a mental breakdown or straight up get a new job. hes not even an asshole, he is just so annoying and obnocious and somehow a smug bastard and a clown at the same time
#i am so down i just wanna go to sleep#working again with him tomorrow makes my stomach turn#the constant silly voices and accents and stupit shit annoy me so much#and withhis non stop joking i can not tell when he is just being a clown or whan he tries to seriously tell me what to do or help#he kinda mocks me for like#not knowing the most efficient way to do things.#or regulations. but hes not like you know#oh no you gotta doubleplank it for fire regulation#hes just like#fire regulation yaaayyy#and goes like#you are 32 you know that#thay teach you that in a plasterer apprenticeship! lol#yeah well i am in fact a professional painter not a plasterer#being 30 does not magically makes me know things i havent been tought for whatever reason#sorry i do not know the spesific rules for trailersafety. i have not in fact a trailer permit#i feel so miserable#he is stressing me out#i hate the idea of asking him anything#even just to help hold something#and i am afraid of doing anything not 'right'#so instead of not doing it the most optimal way and realizing#i actually mess up because im so stressed#his whole personality makes my skin crawl and me feel small and dumb and useless and incompetent#and even when he is bein funny or joking arond or whatever he is just so annoying it is tiring.#i can only handle him comidically immitate the most outlandish dialects over and over and over again so many times#i wanna cry and sleep#it seems such a small thing and i didn't have this many issues with him before#so i think im heading towards a worse time...#anyway i couldn't get anyything right today
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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Family Photo
Vs The Photo Casey brings back from the future
Im gonna throw hands with Splinter. Why is he so hard to draw ;-;
*sobs*
Anyways,
Little bit of context;
Donnie destroyed the photo (woulda destroyed the whole thing, but Mikey stopped him) after Leo abandoned everyone when he realized he caused the apocolypse. Casey never met Leo in the bad future.
This is for my seperated Leo Au that I'll post more about after the crossover :D
It does have a happy ending, theres just a shitton of angst first, of course
I spent so many hours on this so I wanted to share
#sad•leonart#rottmnt#rottmnt au#rottmnt leo#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise leo#rise leonardo#this au doesnt have a name...#i dont even know what i would name it#i love the crossover but goddamn do i wanna sit down for like two days straight and focus on just this au#i also changed half of the plot after i finished the fucking outline so i gotta go change my physical notes#ajdjgisnsbsid theres not enough time in the day#and yes i have physical notes#on paper#in a folder#same with the crossover#the script is writting on printer paper and kept in a folder that i take to work cuz thats where i write it lol#anyways#imma post this and go to sleep cuz i am eepy#finding home au
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Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool
#so do you wanna sleep with me or not my dude#i can't fucking read your cues man#you tell me multiple times you're down but then when i text you like hey i wanna fuck#you're suddenly stand-offish#as if it's suddenly uncomfortable for me to flirt back#are you just busy or am i doing something wrong???#i must be overthinking this#i mean 6 months ago when i reciprocated a willingness to fuck you backed off hard#and became weird to me for quite a while#I'm freaking out now because last night i got the same response that he gave me before our friendship got weird for a bit#i said something that was more direct and he hit me with the ''ill respond better later''#well sir last time you said that to me you started acting awkward towards me for months on end...#granted i did mention the possibility of catching feelings last time and you had said you weren't looking for that...#so yeah i assume if you say that again you might be trying to back out again based off of that...#i mean he WAS working last night so#but then again he texted me hitting on me while he was working the other night.... he works at a bar#i can't go through this again man you gotta communicate with me#.bdo#speaking of communication i should probably communicate all THIS to him🙃#i wanna wait and see if he does respond like he said he would but how long should i wait is the question...
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There's so much I want to write and so much I want to read, but I can't fully engage with much of anything right now and it's killing me😭
#so many fic ideas! i thought about a zuri x farah one with zuri doing her hair#and them talking about their experiences regarding their hair and how its perceived#i wrote my general thoughts down on it and it would be !!!#so interesting!!#(especially since things concerning race aren't really... there in game ig - and idk if i want it to be for a variety of reasons)#(but exploring it with them could be !!!!!!!)#i thought of a mini series of zuri and adam going on drives together as their relationship progresses#i also wanna write something with zuri and bobby after the events of book 3#with bobby seeking her out with more genuine intentions than he does in book 2 and contrasting the two#i wanna write a few scene rewrites just for just#and there are so many fics i wanna read! i've missed so many of them and they all seem so interesting and fun#but i am suffering💀#i'm in a different country for an extended period of time (for me at least) when i really didn't want to be#(travelling in general isn't really for me - not when my parents 'plan' it)#i'm struggling to sleep because it's not my bed and i am constantly aware that its not my bed#all my energy is going into being as okay as i can be while counting the days until i can go home#(and i know as soon as i'm on the plane i'm gonna feel like this wasn't so bad so i dislike that it still mostly feels like it is)#and i forgot to take the pill for days now so my period just started for the second time this month💀💀#make it stop PLEASE#this ended up being a more personal rant but like UAUSGSH#i just need it to be over#chichi.txt
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brocal for the ship bingo?
The OTP to end all other OTPs... (Man. This wound up being basically Cori's Masterpost of BroCal. AKA... this got long and has some images, since I realized I can post my own art directly instead of just a text link to it lol.)
Wasn't actually expecting this to wind up with a bingo? But I got basically 2?? (Will explain the lighter heart later.) This is A LONG post, and definitely gonna get SUGGESTIVE, bc man, am I obSESSED with BroCal. I'm just gonna go thru each checked box, since I don't know how else to structure this post lol.
Read More to save ppl's dashboards:
I want them to make out with blood: OKAY. I HAVE A WHOLE THING PLANNED FOR THIS CONCEPT. I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT IT JUST YET BC I ACTUALLY WANNA WRITE IT. I'm obsessed with this one fanart of Bro licking Lil Cal, and it spurred on an idea I outlined and really wanna write: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/739969858334294016/hiiii-mutual-i-am-secrecy-asking-if-u-have-anymore
((Sorry for the plain text links, Tumblr app is NOT cooperating with me right now to add hyperlinks. I'd post the image directly if that one was mine.))
Basically, I just really need to see Bro and Cal making out with blood in their mouths, and I started a whole convoluted, unrelated outline in order to make that hapen. It'll probably just be a really short thing that ends at the uh climax, since otherwise it's gonna end up sadstuck. And I don't like sadstuck lol.
Undeniably t4t: Bro and Dirk are always trans for me, and Lil Cal's got that uh... what percentage did I calculate it out to be? 13% of Dirk is in Lil Cal [ My shitpost calculations: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/746702663327072256/i-ran-out-of-tags-rambling-about-this-so-im-just ] so Lil Cal is at least 13% trans because of that much of Dirk being in him, plus however you feel about the other components being trans. LMAO this is ridiculous to type out. Moving on.
EDIT: FUTURE CORI INTERJECTING WITH A:
"Lil Cal Top Surgery Healing Progess: Day 1"
Terrible for each other affectionate/derogatory: I don't even know where the affectionate/derogatory split occurs. I multiship BroCal as both Bro/normal puppet Lil Cal and as Bro/evil juju puppet Lil Cal, and whatever combination in between or outside of that. Terrible in that Bro is so obsessed with Cal that he doesn't have normal relationship/social skills and uses Lil Cal as both a crutch and motivator alternately, in a terrible cycle, or maybe rather... spiral. And also terrible in that Bro is caught in the allure of playing the role of puppeteer while also being a puppet for the darker parts of Lil Cal, whether he actively knows it or not. (Honestly though, I feel like it's dismissive if you try to blame all of Bro's faults on Lil Cal like this tho, which is why I tend towards liking Lil Cal as just a regular puppet a lil bit more. Or at least, a regular mildly supernatural puppet since that can be a little more entertaining if Cal can get into mischief while no one's looking or give off the vibes of his mood more directly, rather than like entirely inanimate or 'just LE, trapped in a puppet body.' Again, I like all of these concepts.) ((I mean that can also be a whole post of its own, like, by the time Bro gets ahold of Lil Cal, are any of the other components still alive in there? Like, are ARquius and Gamzee still in there or did Caliborn kill and consume them entirely? Idk how it works, man. This is why I like Lil Cal as his own person, maybe just influenced by the feelings of the others. LaCroix: CalGamARquius essenced water. Lil Croix.))
They need to get weirder with it: YES YES. 1000% YES. I need entirely shameless Bro doing entirely shamless things to Lil Cal. I want them inseparable and doing unspeakable things to each other. I want Bro taking full advantage of Cal having a puppet body and all the intimacy that comes with making repairs and being elbow-deep in stuffing.
Playing with them like dolls cute/psychological torture: This is the same divide as with the 'terrible for each other' point, so I'm just gonna go with the cute one, since the torture one is self-explanatory. I want them fucking married. Like. Full mushy cute romance type of relationship that Bro has never felt for any of the people in his life (cough aromantic cough). I made this comic not too long ago, and I often fondly look back on it, because I adore the concept of Bro being lovey and romantic and everything out of character around Lil Cal because he feels safe and loved and comfortable around Cal:
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/750602227910131712/brocal-4-lyfe-so-i-had-this-idea-of-dave-being ]
I made a post a long, long time ago (not gonna link that one bc it was personal and I was being very obviously mentally ill ["C'mon, like you're not being obviously mentally ill while typing paragraph upon paragraph about BroCal still in 2024 like 10 years later??" Fair.]) But the gist of it was that, like, having objectophilia or objectum sexuality is like, from an outsider pov, it's a way to express love to yourself. You filter all your self-hate through the object you love, and you get back unconditional love in return.
Lil Cal is never gonna hate Bro, no matter what Bro does. As a regular puppet, Lil Cal doesn't have the capacity for hate. And so that only brings them closer, since Cal is never gonna reject Bro for any reason. (Back to being a crutch. RSD is real, and Dave is probably a big trigger for that since he's not on the same wavelength of weird as Bro [not blaming Dave, obviously, this is a post about BroCal].) Bro can experience receiving positive attention from Lil Cal, without feeling 'fake' or uncool by expressing that same attention or affection directly to his own self. (Things are always done through multiple layers with the Striders, aren't they?) ((And I'm not saying Lil Cal doesn't love Bro, or that their relationship is just pretend - it's real, I'm just like, 'What's going on behind the curtain in the mundane situation?/ How is the relationship appealing?' Lil Cal luvs Bro 5eva 4 lyfe and that's a hard fact. Could cut diamonds with that shit.)) Example: maybe Bro is dealing with a bout of body/gender dysphoria and is trying to take out his frustration with working out, and it's not helping, even if he's powered through a set better than normal. Then, he notices the way Lil Cal is watching him, and he can feel the excitement seeping off Cal. He can sense the echoes of a wolf-whistle ring out through his mind, and it's like. Okay, none of that shit from before matters, he's got all the validation he needs right there in Lil Cal. Maybe flex in Cal's direction, Bro?
Oh, so back to being cute: isn't it wonderful how the template maker phrased it as 'playing dolls'? But yeah, I want all the mush and everything. Bro has a whole wardrobe for Lil Cal for every minor event that occurs in the Strider household. I want them going on genuine dates. Maybe even... holding hands. Bro blushes for the first time since he was 16. He even gets to take Lil Cal with him when he goes out to DJ or put on a show. Not to mention the whole website business. (I've talked about Cal's role in that before, but I'll mention it in a moment...)
They will die in a heart shaped pool of blood: I mean, kinda did happen, even tho Lil Cal didn't perma die right there. I don't think this one needs any explanation, since it basically happens in canon.
'You should see the other guy...': Okay, so. About 11 years ago, I had a really great idea. About how smuppets enter this world. I expanded on it in the following more-recent post (adult only content lol): https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741683686717669376/back-in-the-day-my-friends-called-me-insane-when-i
To sum it up, whenever Bro makes a new smuppet design, he then gives it a video debut on his website, where uh, Lil Cal births the smuppet like it's a horror movie scene, fake blood and poly-fil gore all over the place as the smuppet crawls out from the viscera. Bro then gets to play aftercare by lovingly and gently cleaning up and restuffing Lil Cal as they get to admire their new creation and rake in the dough lol.
So it's technically not a 'you should see the other guy' kinda situation, but it does involve one of them being... idk what word would describe it. Injured by the other? Usually a character loses a fight and says this to act like they got out of it better than the other guy, but... We could have someone knock on the door during the filming of a scene like that, and Bro has to answer it with fake blood up to his elbows, and be like 'You should see the other guy.' (But obviously, that's a terrible idea and would cause more trouble than it's worth... Maybe worth it for a persistent door to door salesperson, though.)
Though, I guess I should also say, I'm not opposed to Bro beating on Lil Cal in or out of the bedroom. Or in the case of animate Lil Cal, Cal choking out Bro. In or out of the bedroom, lol. Depends on the situation, like I said I will ship this ship any which way. But my preference for animate Lil Cal is to be like a totally normal puppet around Bro (or mushy in-love with Bro) and then evil-murder-puppet towards anyone else in Bro's life, like a... toxic yaoi guard puppet. (New Phrase Achievement Unlocked!) Bro brings home another guy to have sex, who tries to stay the night due to the late hour, but the guy wakes up shortly after to see Lil Cal standing there with a knife in the dark, eyes glowing red. Panic ensues when the guest screams and freaks out, and by the time Bro's got a light on, grabbing his sword, ready for a ninja vs ninja fight (bc an intruder would've had to bypass all the traps), Lil Cal is just innocently splayed across the desk chair, no knife in sight. Relevant post (well, the caption on the post too, saying how Bro can't seem to hold onto any relationships besides Lil Cal):
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741830516962164736/i-want-you-so-youre-mine-always-selfishly ]
Uh, lol, also Cal choking out Bro in the bedroom, adult only drawing: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/754328907438800896/i-wouldnt-wanna-be-my-ex-when-he-found-out-who
Thinking about them always and forever: Listen. My Tumblr as proof, I've had BroCal on the brain for at least 11 years at this point. Definitely longer, since I first started reading Homestuck. I fucking love puppets and dolls and plushies and I always have. Man, if I hadn't deleted Tweets (automated app I used to do, and I couldn't choose what to save) from when I was in high school, you could've seen me @ ing my fave band when they were taking lyric suggestions on a fan-inspired album, where I was telling them 'make a song where the theme is puppets' and, while I don't know if they saw that or took the suggestion (they had responded to me before bc they weren't huge yet), there is indeed a song titled "Puppets" on that album, and it was my favourite song on there. Point is, I was fated to ship BroCal before I even knew it existed.
Sicko 2 sicko communication: I mean, does this even need explaining? Bro and Cal aren't just on the same wavelength of freaky, they're the fucking source of the wavelength, and it's causing a feedback loop between them. And it does as feedback does, which is, it amplifies with time. (Going back to the spiral symbolism here, lol.) ((Actually, time can play a symbol here, too, I guess, but idk how to word it, I'm starting to run out of steam.))
Let them have a happy ending: God, I need this so badly. I know Bro's story ends in Homestuck, but like. Pls. Someone needs to officiate their wedding. Currently placing the dreambubble order, but I can't organize a wedding by myself. OH speaking of. In that lil comic I did above, where Bro is accepting Lil Cal's proposal, I had the Natural Born Killers wedding scene in mind. I was gonna draw that as a follow up, but I think I have too many WIPs going. Just two people on the run, saying "I do" in a scenic but completely ordinary roadside location. Idk why, I keep going back to that movie for things related to Bro (I mention it in a very important scene in a longer WIP I've been writing, as something Bro watched and internalized as a kid lol.) It's not the best movie lol. Anyway.
The devotion omg: I feel like I have already gotten my point across about this, but let me reiterate:
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/735842968450269184/in-the-name-of-iconic-magical-girl-anime-ill ]
Bro and Lil Cal absolutely beat the shit outta Jack Noir before he gets prototyped. And even then, they fight together till the death, like. C'mon. Nothing more romantic than fighting a losing battle side by side. Also, like, Lil Cal having his own protective chest for safekeeping as seen in the Strider living room? Like, you don't just have a protective case for any old thing, especially something meant to be handled, especially something that is regularly used to smack other things/humans. What I'm saying is, Lil Cal is durable and resilient, and yet, Bro still has a case for transporting Cal safely. Oh, wait, I just thought of something funny, what if Lil Cal goes feral like a cat, and basically the chest is like a cat carrier so Bro can drive without being constricted lmaoooo, I've been typing for hours can you tell?
Kind of homophobic: Listen. I HAD a Cal. Took him to college. Staked my claim on the top bunk bc I am royalty. Proceeded to not have anywhere to set my water cup and had to use a cardboard box as a table up there. Spilled water. Melted Cal's sharpie-drawn face. And then proceeded to cry. I have a WIP of Lil Cal 2, but that requires actually remembering to work on him. I wanna do better by the pattern, too, since I rushed to finish the first. I have all the material! I have the project started! So it's just a matter of reordering my WIP priorities, honestly.
Where is all the fucking content?!: For realzz. I was actually venting about this the other day (didn't end up posting it), but it's like, either there's no BroCal content, or there IS BroCal content, but I can't reblog it for reasons I don't want to get into on this post. I'm dying of thirst in the ocean, basically. Whatever. This just means I need to make more BroCal content myself, which I am more than happy to do. I've just had a rough past few months, so I'm glad I got to type all this post out, and hopefully I can get back to creating soon.
Last one! I hope this one makes up for the absurd length of the post, it's prob my new fave idea I just came up with on the spot.
[TW drink spiking by a stranger mentioned in this.]
Committing atrocities as their silly little activities: I think we all know what this means, but I am going to ignore that elephant with my special x-ray vision. Because this is a BroCal post. I'm digging deep to the meat and bones of this. Honestly, this could go multiple routes, it depends on how you take your Lil Cal.
One could place emphasis on the 'guard' part of the, ahem ahem, toxic yaoi guard puppet. Maybe someone is actually trying to harm Bro, and Bro legit can't do anything for reasons outside of his control - let's say his drink got spiked a while after he invited a stranger home that he thought was chill. As Bro gets shoved down on the futon, his memory of the night is only a few flickers. Familiar orange plush, roiling around above him like a dancing windsock. Flashes of Lil Cal's face all distorted and stretched wide like a funhouse. J-Lo and Ice Cube on the TV. But when Bro is finally able to fully wake up in the morning, everything is as if he just got home alone last night and passed out on the futon. Cal looks totally normal and content tucked under Bro's warm arm. Except when Bro gets up, there is a pair of shoes too big to belong to him at the door. Maybe Bro knows. Maybe instinct tells him to run. Maybe he does, but he's running towards Lil Cal, every time.
#apologies for being entirely unhinged about brocal. this isnt even the half of it#the-meat-machine#asked#praying my internet posts this in one go in the correct format. rip to everyones dashboard if it doesnt#im not turning on my pc to correct it if i cant fix an upload error from mobile#homestuck#brocal#otp5eva#stridercest#long post#Cori.exe#Post.exe#im like staring at my phone scared to hit the post button bc if tumblr has a fit then idk what ill do#and its like okay i could just put my phone down and go to sleep.#but what if tumblr decides to post it AFTER IM ASLEEP AND CLOGS EVERYONE WHOS FOLLOWING ME'S DASH#if that readmore doesnt save where its supposed to... (has happened before)... i am genuinely so fucking sorry.#oh oKAY WAIT compromise. ill save it as a draft first so the bulk of the upload happens privately in case something goes wrong#bc knowing my internet and how i was fighting hyperlinks last night and today that still wont work. something is gonna go wrong#fingers crossed the draft saves tho i dont wanna copy all this shit from the 'in case of emergency' screenshots i took lol#anyway i really need to get ready for bed fuck lol literally took me hours to type this and its not even polished ughh#toxic yaoi guard puppet#omg tho 'lil cal top surgery' idea had me dying when i remembered theres canon cal sewn up like that#i gotta remember to post that separately tmr#i got this post draftes and gna post now. im seeby#oh wait#puppets#suggestive#striders#man if i wish i started w the last point but i dont have the energy to reorder everything#nini im going seep 4r this time
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Watched princess mononoke for the first time today. Pretty damn good movie. Honestly probably the most Up My Alley ghibli movie I've seen so far (out of like... 4 lol) on account of all the cool action and fights. I really do love some good fights in my media. But also the stuff with spirits and the forest... just my vibes in general. I rly enjoyed it!
#speculation nation#wish it expanded on a few plot elements more but u can only do so much in a movie i suppose#(part of why i dont tend to watch movies on my own)#been hanging with family tho including watching movies. since i'll watch movies if im with people.#idk just smth about the psychology to me. sitting down and watching a movie on my own is nearly unthinkable#but when im hanging out with ppl and they wanna put a movie on? yea sure let's chill#probably partly the fact that it puts pressure on me to focus on the movie. instead of pausing every other minute to fuck around on my phone#well regardless. good movie! immaculate vibes. the romance(?) development was perplexing. but oh well#didnt really get the necklace thing. his sister gave it to him and he decided to give it to san?? no explanation??#showing care for her i suppose. still felt strange to give her his sister's gift. but oh well#again it rly was such a good movie. but there r just a few things that have me like. What was going on here...#anyways its nearly 11 pm i am on barely any sleep it is time for me to pass out. ✌️ peace
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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month-long chronic insomnia flareup got me acting a BIT too HDB-esk so I drew myself some Kims. I have cracked it! (The case of 'how to draw this MF')
feat one Harry, ECHEM, and Kineema that I fucking made up from memory because im not studying that beast
#broke my 5+ year sobriety streak w class As last Thursday. Sigh.#if you got on ave >4 sleep a day for a month you'd probably also go insane#my stupid neighbour's workmen decided to start taking the scaffolding down at HALF SEVEN. AND I WORK NIGHTS!!!! AHHH!!!#anyway....... kim Kitsuragi save me#draw him balding 2k24#also i am fucking working on DUCKLINGS i promise but the lack of sleep giving me migranes i dont wanna look at a screen too long#im a writer before an artists but im actually rly proud of these- borrowed my GFs brush pens and they're so good holy shit#my hands shaking doesnt matter cos the lines get thicker if i press harder!!!! wow!!!#disco elysium#kim kitsuragi#coupris kineema#breakthrough imminent: post of mine#ignore my tags im losing my fucking marbles fr#anyway this is all in prep because i ACTUALLY wanna draw younger Kim from my fic. like. properly#not just at a safely vague distance lmao
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#i am highkey full of fear but i didnt wanna scare you guys so. we stay sily hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha im so scared#long story short my dad lives in florida. on the west coast. thats all i have to say#ok wow as im making this post my mom calls and says she's going back home too. ok ok ok ok ok#on one hand im so relieved theyll have each other but im also even more scared for both of them#like they stayed thru ian last year which was a FIVE and there was just damage to the house outside#i feel like ive been crying since last night. the moment she told me she was going back to florida i broke down. i just#i feel so selfish for being in hysterics when im not even in harms way but gghhh. gjgjghghghghghghhgghhghg#i need to go back to sleep but i cant stop thinkinnnnngggg i cant stop thinking ugh uuuugggghhhhh#im sorry i probably shouldnt even be posting this but i just had to vent i feel like im losing it#ffffffffffff ok gonna eat something and then sleep bye bye love y9u bye#i might... not post for a few days. but ill be around. bye love u bye#delete later#vent
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#tw vent#I am so. so tired#this week hit me like a freight train#I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it#and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well#all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing#I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here#and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again#I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle#so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work I can't seem to even escape for a second#I just wanna explode#I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot#and if I'm not doing that I'm at work or at school#and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment#this is shit man#so utterly shit#mel's thoughts
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AUGH. im sick n have to b at work bc im behind on rent n i am . aoughhh, wanna b in bed + horizontal i feel awful
#diary#bangs my head into the wall#i have to go back to the dmv and i have no money . i lost my permit n have to get it reinstated#+ then actually take my test but my heads been fuzzy for the past week w this shit so i can barely think let ALONE drive#+ i have to do tht by next week.#my living situation is up in the air again n pissed tf off abt tht can i PLEASE!!!! have a stable life i am fucking begging whoever is out#there#im so tired of the last 25 yrs of my life involving always needing to figure out where to go i just want to fucjing. live without worrying#abt where im gonna sleep in a couple of months#i want to live alone but cant afford it . i cant go up the ladder at my job bc im literally not built for the work of a sm full time#lays down#im avoiding speaking to anyone bc im on the verge of a mental breakdown and dont need anyone to see tht 💀#im 🤏 this close to exploding and disappearing im fed up w. everything#problem is idk WHERE id go if i exploded . the ocean?????????? i vld walk into the ocean#AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! throws my fists around#i dont aant to lock in w ppl i just want to vibe . rolls my body like im listening to music but its silent#im stressed and frustrated and pissy AND my face hurts!!!!! and my face is swollen!!!!!#okay bye. back to work even if i wanna take a nap
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took a nap bc my body isnt used to cold medicine and had an epic gay sex dream
#can i go back to sleep please.....#i really shouldnt bc i slept like 9:30p-8a then again like 10:15a-a couple min ago :/#like ik my body needs the rest and needs the sleep bc i barely slept over the weekend + monday night + tuesday night but. girl thats extreme#but also what else am i really doing </3#anyway woke up and checked snap and they posted. so i replied to it LOL#it wasnt bad they work in a bakery and said smth ab too much bread and i was like 'theres never too much bread' or smth so.#hopefully they get a chuckle out of it. i really wanna see my friends rn :( but my bfs maybe sick and im still recovering so i wouldnt wanna#bring anyone over here bc its a den of germs rn. i should go to walmart and get lysol spray and just spray Everything down#anyway. i hate being responsible. maybe we'll see them this weekend of my bfs not dying like ive been the past couple of days#talk tag
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Y'all I'm literally about to pull a Van Gogh cause wdym my damn ear got infected not even a month after my OTHER EAR just STOPPED being infected.
#RAAAAAHHHHHHH it hurts rlly badddddd#guys im not even /j this is literally so sucks#im this close to becoming dr house and just downing all my painkillers in one go#KILLL MEEEEEEEEEE#i cant even sleep dude#i am so so tired#yall have no idea this pain literally brought me to TEARS#ACTUAL TEARS#thats how fucking bad it is and i literally have chronic pain and migraines and nightmarish period cramps and this#THIS IS WORSE THAN ALL OF THOSE COMBINED#i hate this so much i like JUST got rid of this shit in my other ear but I guess i cant have a moments fucking peace#it feels like my body has decided that if im NOT in some kind of unimaginable physical pain then something is wrong#im just tryna live my life#its honestly crazy how okay i can act while in such torturous pain#cause im talking to my friend literally so normally like i dont actually wanna stab my own eardrums out#sprinkles says shit#im shaking. SHAKING. from how bad it hurts. i just want some rest i swear.#i cant take any more painkillers cause i jist took some#i just want it to go away i really just want it to go away
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trying to not be insane when u have constant suicidal thoughts is. a lot
#like everything i say i just want to end w like. yeae i wanna kms#or like. do u ever want to genuinely kill urself because u ate food#or like. i want to kms because i have oen stressful thing i should do#or i want to kms just because. nothing rly. i just feel a need to kms.#and im not even suicidal like for real i am not going to kms i just really want to#and i dont think thats normal#im back on my meds tho. but i feel like shit#both emotionally and physically#i have never been more physically exhausted#i did my steps and almost gave up when i was in the forest lmao i considered lying down and letting the moss eat me#i slept for like 10 hrs tonight too#idk it was a rly bad idea to go off my meds :)#and today ive binged low key twice#and i want to kms abt that#or overxercise but im so exhausted im so so soso sosososo tired i want to go to bed and sleep#but i have stuff to do???? kms
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second night of not being able to fall asleep since the new semester started. now im remembering why i stopped taking my adhd meds
#look im a fan of staying up late when it's done voluntarily but this is NOT voluntary#i need to get actual sleep bc i need to actually use my brain for school shit tomorrow and i only got like 2 hours of sleep last night#does my body care about that tho? noooo absolutely not no sleep for you for the rest of your life#even the benadryl isn't working anymore and I've already had 150mg#i need one of those chloroform soaked rags they use in movies when knocking someone out to kidnap them#just. im not fucking doing anything. this would be a much better use of my time if i used it to actually do shit like homework#but nooo i was too tired and wanted to go to sleep early but the sleep never came and the task is firmly stuck in tomorrow mode#and i don't even wanna do the tasks bc i never wanna do anything ever except when i take my adhd meds#but when i do take the meds i can't fall asleep. fucking fantastic#in the words of laura jane grace: i need a week long cocaine binge#wait that would probably make my sleeplessness worse tho nevermind#just. i thought this shit was supposed to be addictive. i just keep not wanting to take them#like the opposite of compulsive redosing or something#ugh ykw maybe i should just try fighting fire with fire#just keep going with the meds to see how long it takes until the lack of sleep is enough to overpower the insomnia#maybe i just need to be harder on myself. stop thinking about what i do or don't want#bc i keep getting stuck in this cycle where i try to find a way to convince myself why i should do a task#but end up only thinking of how i absolutely do not want to do the task#and decide to try being more constructive by asking myself what i do want#only to find that the one single thing i want is just to Not#and coming to the inevitable conclusion that i really just need to kill myself#except that's also a task i need to do that takes energy and i don't rlly wanna do that either so that's one bright side ig#ugh i hate this i hate complaining like if you don't like something abt the situation then fucking do something about it or suck it up#and here i am. doing neither.#i swear i need to be put down like a dog. where's that post abt getting into puppy play so you can be euthanized#welp. i guess it's a good thing i got a therapist before the semester started. he's gonna be in for a shock#mine#vent
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