#i am safe and okay. i am just.. struggling to accept that i am very very sick right now. i was raised to just push that shit way down.

[jasperyourmutt]

hi everyone <3

I have a bit of a life update. To make a long story short, last week I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been having a... very hard time coming to terms with that. For most of my life I believed I just had a bad anxiety disorder, but I am now realizing that is unfortunately not the case. The past couple months I have been in a near constant state of fight or flight, fear, panic, whatever you want to call it- without really realizing it. and man. it has been exhausting, mentally, physically, spiritually. I just thought it was normal to feel like this all the time. i assumed everyone felt like this. my therapist has helped me realize I am in a lot of pain right now and it is not normal. so. the good news is that there is an intensive trauma therapy that I will be doing for the next couple months that is going to really help me recover. i love and trust my therapist with my whole heart. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i am finally getting the help i need. so. unfortunately I am going to step away from tumblr for a bit. i dont really want to do this, i love being on here. i love interacting with all the friends i've made here. kink has become a very important and healing part of my life. but it is just a little too much for me at the moment. I'm not sure when I will return, could be a couple weeks, a couple months. I'll return when I feel right. I feel like this may be a little odd to share here, but it's important to me to acknowledge and share that I have been having a really hard time. i tend to downplay when i'm in pain. i feel like people usually don't care about me (i know this is very very much not the case. im trying to convince my brain of that too.) its really hard for me to tell people when i am struggling, especially in my real life. so i am taking baby steps and starting here. so, until I return- chase your tails for me, roll in the grass, bark at the squirrels. take care of yourselves. if you are struggling, know youre loved. get the help you need. i will be curling up in my dog bed and taking a nap in the sun. ruff ruff. wag wag. much love to all of you.

[dark-fics-4-you]

In the Night

dark!Ghostface!stepbro!Rafe x f!Reader w a side of JJ x Reader

READ ENTIRE WARNING BEFORE PROCEEDING

Warnings: noncon (rape), incest (step siblings), murder, major character death, p in v smut, lowkey yandere themes, knife kink, blood kink, unprotected sex, creampie, Rafe is very obsessed with his little step sister (everyone is 18+)

You cowered behind the car, trying to quiet your shivering sobs. Your mind was racing, barely able to hold onto any thought other than the ghastly scene you had just been forced into.

For months, a masked killer had been terrorizing Kildare and tonight you came face to face with him.

Only to realize that you had been living with him for half of your life.

For the most part, it had been a night like any other, JJ had taken you out on a little dinner date before bringing you back to his house.

You had been dating for several months at this point, a fact that your stepfather, Ward, begrudgingly accepted, but your stepbrother seemed to harbor more resentment towards him than any of the other Pogues.

Just before you had left, Rafe had gotten into yet another argument with you about him, although he had never been so aggressive with you about it before.

“He’s not good enough for you, Y/N! You know he’s just going to get you into trouble.” Your older step brother scolded you.

“Maybe he’d stay out of trouble if you and your gang didn’t bring it to him all the time,” you sniped back, pushing past him to get to the door.

You were interrupted when his hand clamped down hard around your arm just above your elbow, stopping you in your tracks.

“Are you seriously trying to walk away from me right now?” Rafe growled as he turned to you, his hold still tight on your arm.

“Yeah, I am, JJ is out front waiting for me. Now let go of me, Rafe.”

He stared down at you, a familiar yet unrecognizable glint in his blue eyes. He scanned your face for a moment, tension heavy in the air, before finally reluctantly releasing your arm with a huff.

“Just uh… stay safe, okay, Y/N? You know how dangerous it’s been recently.” You could have sworn you saw a small smirk on his face before you turned to exit.

When you and JJ got back to his place after dinner, the two of you had just gotten out of the car when you heard him yell.

You turned to see a large figure wearing the same ghost face mask you had seen all over the news holding your boyfriend at knifepoint, the blade pressed into his throat.

JJ struggled against him for a moment, but he flinched when the man dug the sharp metal in just a bit.

“Stop fighting, or she dies next.” The man hissed, his familiar voice stopping you in your tracks as you raced around the car to them.

You were several feet away from them but too petrified to move.

“Stop!” You cried out, tears burning at your eyes. You felt terrified and helpless, unable to take your gaze off of your boyfriend.

The masked man ignored you, continuing to speak to JJ, “you don’t deserve Y/N, you know? She’s too good to be with a filthy Pogue like you.”

His words washed over you like a bucket of cold water as you finally recognized his voice and you wanted to be sick.

Your lips parted to beg with him, don't do this, please, don't hurt him don't hurt him!

At the flinch of his wrist, it was too late. You knew it. The blade glinted as it slid across JJ's neck, and you finally found your voice as a cascade of crimson followed its arc and JJ fell to ground.

You screamed as you felt the air get knocked out of your lungs. You wanted to collapse, and you probably would have if not for the sound of the killer’s horribly recognizable laughter drawing closer.

In the darkness, you turned, stumbling to the ground painfully before picking yourself up again and running before crouching behind the car JJ had been fixing up.

The chilly autumn air made you shiver and your vision was blurred by your tears.

You still hadn’t gotten over your shock when you heard your name being called.

“Y/N,” he taunted, voice getting closer with each step.

Your heart was thundering in your ears so loudly you were scared he could hear it.

“Just come out now and I promise, I won’t hurt you.” He was on the other side of the car now and you felt your stomach clench in terror.

Your eyes widened when he walked around the car, easily spotting you crouched near the back door.

When he ran towards you, you opened the back car door, blocking him momentarily as you climbed in, planning to slide across and run out the other side.

Your fingertips reached for the door handle, but large hand gripped your legs, pulling you back towards him. Flipping onto your back, you tried to kick him off, desperately scratching at his arms with your your nails at the same time.

The man pinned you beneath him, cackling at your pathetic attempts to fight back. In your panic, you grabbed at his face, pulling his mask off at the same moment his bloodied knife came to your throat.

You froze beneath him, staring up into your step brother’s eyes in shock and horror.

“Rafe?” You whispered, tears spilling past your lashes. “Why?”

A sickening grin spread across his lips as he leered above you. “Didn’t I always tell you, sweetheart? JJ isn’t good enough for you. He didn’t know you like I do.”

His free hand came to your cheek, stroking it lovingly and accidentally smearing JJ’s blood across your skin.

“Stop it!” You whimpered, nausea bubbling up in your gut as the coppery scent hit your nostrils. “You’re insane!”

Rafe’s eyebrows furrowed at that, anger darkening his eyes. He drew so close you could feel his breath against your skin, “I’m just trying to protect you-”

“Protect me?!” You hissed, tears streaming down your cheeks now.

Rafe’s nose twitched, frustration written all over his face.

“You don’t get it,” he mumbled, eyes leaving your face and trailing down your chest. “But I’ll show you.”

Rafe removed the large blade from your throat, grabbing the bottom of your shirt before slicing it down the middle.

You whimpered beneath him, trying to cover yourself up, but his knife found your throat again, pressing down slightly.

“Don’t make me hurt you too,” he threatened, his low voice making your stomach twist.

His pupils were blown wide as he took you in.

“No bra?” He grinned wickedly, “guess my lil sis is more of a slut than I expected.”

“Rafe,” you pleaded, voice breaking through your tears as you looked up at him. “Please, I’m scared.”

He groaned at that, pressing closer and you shuddered at the feel of him growing harder against you. You squirmed when his large hand cupped over your tit, squeezing your nipple between two fingers and drawing a whine from your throat.

His lips smothered yours, hungrily tasting you and taking your breath away. With the cold metal at your throat, there was nowhere to turn to get away from him. Nausea churned inside you when he pushed his tongue into your mouth.

He pulled away finally and put the knife down on the floor to unbuckle his belt, fumbling with his button and zipper before freeing his erect cock from his boxers, not even bothering to push his pants down.

At the sight of your step brother stroking his hard dick above you, your tears started flowing again, disgust and horror mixing with a third emotion you were too ashamed to identify.

Rafe forced your thighs apart, pushing your skirt up to reveal your pink panties.

“Shit, Y/N,” he groaned, pressing his thumb to your covered clit. You squirmed in his grasp, biting your lip to stop your whimpers from escaping.

“Can’t wait anymore,” he breathed through gritted teeth, grabbing your panties and sliding them to the side before lining his tip up with your slick entrance.

“Stop, Rafe-!” your protest was cut off when your step brother pushed himself inside you, stretching your unprepared cunt around him.

You whined loudly, heart skipping a beat when his hand wrapped around your throat, smearing the blood from the knife across your tender skin.

He stilled above you for a moment, taking a shaky breath as he basked in the feeling of your snug walls squeezing around him, tighter than he could have imagined. He inched himself deeper until his tip kissed your cervix.

Rafe leaned closer to you, his lips covering your before he began slowly thrusting into you, increasing his pace with each push of his cock.

You mewled against his lips, confused and disgusted with yourself when you could feel yourself growing wetter around him.

He broke the kiss and you gasped for breath, only for his grip to tighten around your throat.

There was nowhere to go, and Rafe easily caged you in on top of the leather seats of car. You felt claustrophobic, overstimulated by the feel of him rutting into you in the cramped backseat.

The lewd sound of his cock plunging into your slick cunt taunted you, and you couldn’t control the pornographic moans that he was forcing out of you.

His thrusts were brutal, bordering on punishing at this point, and his fingers were squeezing around your neck so tight your vision was becoming fuzzy at the edges.

“Rafe-!” You choked, hot tears burning at your eyes.

The world was spinning around you, the pressure building between your legs. You grabbed onto Rafe, clinging to him tightly in your confusion.

“Tell me you love me,” he groaned, not slowing his pace at all as his thumb found your clit, messily rolling over it.

Your skin crawled at his words, stomach flipping as you nervously shook your head no, but you couldn’t bite back your moan as he teased your tender bud.

You knew that only pissed him off more though, and his grip on your throat tightened in warning.

“Tell your big brother you love him, dumb fucking slut.” He hissed, hitting a spot that made you see stars.

“I-” you whimpered before whispering. “I love you.”

He kissed you hard, growling as he pulled away and resting his damp forehead against yours.

“Tell me again, baby.”

His hips tilted to meet yours, pushing himself deep inside you with each thrust. His thumb lazily traced your clit, pulling you to the brink.

“I love you,” you moaned, primal desires overcoming your thoughts of resisting.

“Again.”

“I love you, fuck, Rafe!” you whimpered as you were pushed over the edge.

Blinding white light exploded behind your closed eyes as you came undone around him. Sinful pleasure tingled between your legs as he fucked you even harder, and he cursed as you squeezed around him.

You couldn’t think straight, much less control your mouth, and the endless string of “I love you Rafe”’s that rolled off your tongue was the reason it wasn’t long before your step brother was painting your walls with his sticky seed.

[bwabys-scenarios]

Sweet Sunday NSFW

Obanai x Fem!Reader

!!REBLOGS APPRECIATED!!

A/N: this is an AO3 request :3 gonna try to prioritize requests sent on AO3 since I plan on being more active there. This is short but sweet :) also I don’t know Obanai too well(it’s been forever since I read the manga) so sorry if he’s a little out of character… or if this just sucks. LMAO

warnings: pussy eating, very soft and sweet sex, Obanai worships your body, breeding, mostly nsfw, fluffy

You never did quite like waking up early in the morning, and thankfully your boyfriend didn’t either. Even when he was supposed to be off fighting demons, Obanai hated getting up before 10 am.

So that’s why on his day off, the two of you stayed curled up together the entire morning, sharing kisses and soft words of love. It had taken him so long to open up to you, and now that he had, it was almost like he was making up for lost time.

“You’re just radiant…” he purred, brushing back your hair from your sleepy face. “My love, my angel… my everything.”

It was enough to get your cheeks feeling hot to the touch, your heart beating out of your chest. “And you’re so handsome it makes me nervous…”

Although Obanai still struggled to accept compliments, he knew you would never lie to him. His own pale cheeks flushed pink as he looked away. The bandages that usually covered his mouth lay on the nightstand by your shared bed.

You traced the scars on the corners of his mouth, your eyes full of love and adoration. He could have never thought that anyone would look at his mmm in such a way, especially without his bandages to cover up his biggest insecurity.

“You’re too kind, my love. Sometimes I wonder if this is all a dream, that I’ll wake up back in my childhood home.”

You paused, your heart twisting in pain. Obanai often suffered from nightmares, waking up screaming and clutching onto you for dear life. It left him trembling, tears pouring down his cheeks as he struggled to soothe himself.

But how he didn’t have to face it alone, he had you.

“You’re safe now, Obanai. You never have to hide away when you’re with me…”

His eyes softened, and he couldn’t help but pull you close. You smelled so sweet, like sunshine and vanilla, with hints of something sweet he couldn’t quite place. Whenever he inhaled your scent, he knew that he was right where he needed to be.

Home.

It didn’t help that your scent also stimulated other feelings… other desires… before he knew it his hands hand wondered along your hips and to your thighs, lightly pushing them open. “O-Obanai…”

You whined softly as his nimble fingers danced across your closed cunt, stopping right above your clit. He pressed down, causing you to squirm lightly as he began rubbing gentle circles into it. “Shh, princess. Let me make you feel good.”

If Obanai was anything, he was devoted to you body and soul. Every little sound and movement you made was enough to get his pants tight and his body ready to please you.

He slid off your soaked panties, giving your pussy a soft kiss. “Gorgeous, taste so sweet, princess…”

Eating you out was one of his favorite activities, and he enjoyed pinching your pretty nipples as he did. Obanai loved to overstimulate you until you were pushing his head away, begging for his cock instead.

But this morning, he decided to let you off with only three orgasms with his tongue. “Okay, okay…”

He lined up his hips with yours, peppering your neck in kisses. “Do you want me?”

“Y-yes please!”

No hesitation, just pure desire for him. It felt good to be wanted, to be so desperately desired by you.

And so Obanai complied, snapping his hips forward to plunge his cock into you, groaning at the feeling if your tight cunt. Despite him not being huge, you always needed a moment to adjust, and he was more than fine with your pretty pussy cockwarming him as you got used to his cock.

“There you go…” he said, moving his hips at a slow and steady pace as your arousal pooled on the bedsheets below. “That’s my girl… that’s my love.”

His fingertips dig into your plump hips as he fucked info you, his warm breath tickling your neck. Obanai wasn’t really the type to moan, but he started getting talkative when he was close.

“S-so good, my love. So fucking good for me…”

The two of you came together, and he didn’t bother to pull out. He planned on marrying you after all, and getting you pregnant was the goal. “G-gonna… gonna knock you up, okay? My love, my beautiful wife, so pretty for me…”

The two of you laid together, your naked bodies glistening with a sheen of sweat of you snuggled. Soon, you’d have to leave the comfort of your bed to bathe and eat something to replenish your strength…

But for now, you’d need to comfort your lover. He always got a bit shy after sex, embarrassed of the things he said while pussy drunk. You didn’t mind though… you wanted to be his wife after all.

[zorciarkrildrush]

I think the essence of what drives me crazy about current Enlightened Online Leftist Discourse Regarding My Life Personally And Whether This Time Killing Me Is Morally Correct (as in, commentary about the latest episode in i/p violence) is this:

I want a free Palestine.

I don't personally know a lot of people that don't! They might bristle at the tagline, because it's co-opted by people who do in fact want them dead, but as soon as I lay out why it's in literally everyone's best interest, how a non-free Palestine is horrific both to the people of Israel and to the people of Palestine, how pragmatically ridiculous the occupation of the west bank and the siege upon Gaza are (and I am a very pragmatic person), they get it. And I don't mean I debate people online about it - this, too, is a ridiculous concept - I mean having, time and time again, the deradicalization conversation with my friends, and colleagues, and my family. Obviously not only now - I've always been a very principled and argumentative Jew, ever since I became an adult - and I've been alive for, I don't know, a dozen flashpoints and operations and wars at this point, and I don't stop being argumentative and loud in peacetime either, but especially now.

But that's not what "from the river to the sea" means.

When you, gentle soul from across the sea, echo this slogan, you are either:

By apathy or will, ignoring that the sentiment cheers for the mass expulsion and killing of Jews. Indeed, any non-Muslim present from the river to the sea. This doesn't even begin to cover how even Muslim arabs still will not be safe under Hamas rule - and trust me, I don't care if a Hamas apologist told you different. A victory for Hamas (And we're ignoring the fact they do not have the military capacity for it - I hope you are aware of the privilege inherent to not understanding military conflicts) means exactly that. No "rule by the people". No socialistic, Palestinian utopia to be had, which is a fantasy I'm seeing alluded to a lot recently. Just an extension of the horrific power structure in Lebanon and Syria, where Hezbollah - friends and allies to Hamas - have been playing a tango for decades of both refusing to participate in actual government and betterment of civilian lives, while still draining their resources and controlling them with no real contest. "From the river to the sea" is not a sentiment for freedom fighting - it's a sentiment for a final solution to the people living here who are either Jewish, or for some Very Strange And Weird Reason would rather not submit to Hamas rule. You know - Israeli Arabs, secular and Muslim and Christian, Druze, Circassians, Bahai, take your pick. Their suffering, and my suffering - you know, a person who made the strategic error of being born in Israel while Jewish, which is inherently problematic and not okay of me - don't matter to you. Just the fantasy of an easy, morally correct cleanse of the land.

Are well aware of all of the above! You just don't care. You either smugly chuckle that I, and anybody else who will die, deserve it - or that it's an acceptable loss for the aforementioned fantasy. "Decolonization is an inherently violent process", you'll say to me, chillingly, before implying I have a summer home in Brooklyn I can just retreat to when things get tough. Israel is basically Rhodesia, a very popular blog here mentioned flippantly, so what's the issue with all of those lily-white Jews fucking off back home before the righteous freedom fighters strike them down? Well. This might be the part I urge you to open a book, or even Wikipedia or any god damn thing that will explain to you these upsetting, dense things you clearly struggle with.

It's easy for me to discount islamophobes. Like, very easy. It's very easy for me to discount insane evangelistics who "advocate for me" simply because I'm a pawn in their religious rapture. It's easy for me to fight against Israeli and Jewish fascists - I have been long before this news item came across your feed, as did the insinuations that some civilian deaths are okay, actually.

It's easy for me for me to see promotions for donations to non-political aid in Gaza. It's easy for me to see the sentiment that hey! Palestinians deserve safe, healthy lives. That they have deserved an independent state, and were unfairly denied one, for decades. It's easy for me to see people saying "You know, the Israeli government is shit, actually, and their actions endanger and promote to the misery of innocents". Because that's right! I wouldn't be voting and protesting and donating for all of these sentiments otherwise!

It's not easy for me to see people, who I honestly held in high regard and saw having well thought out opinions on important matters, inadvertently echo the sentiment that my death is acceptable. That a terrorist organization, who rule over their own territory with fear and violence, are righteous freedom fighters, vox populi, only out to establish a free state. Like hey, their manifesto said otherwise, so it must be all there is - right? That Jews are just hysterical, they can easily live elsewhere - ever since that nasty holocaust business everything's fine abroad. Besides, it was just so long ago who even cares stop talking about it. Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS, the Ayatollahs in Iran, the fucking Islamic Jihad - are not interested in freedom. They aren't, and echoing their slogan tells me you are either ignoring that, or support them anyway. If antisemitic rhetoric, half truths and lies by omission work on you today, they would have in any period of time. I'm sorry this makes you uncomfortable. I'm not, not really.

So finally:

Know what your fucking words mean. Have a cursory glance at the history of the MENA and why it's so fucked, one that doesn't boil down to "The Jews, with American help, rolled into where they don't belong". This isn't even a joke. I've seen this braindead, history-revising sentiment repeated so many times, both online and in actual textbooks, that I feel I'm going insane. So many well-meaning people handwringing and assuring each other that repeating genocidal slogans is fine, that calling the i/p conflict "a simple problem" (which means it has a simple solution, right? Just kill the Jews.) is a well-adjusted and intellectual take. That "only the Zionists should die! The rest will be fine :)" I dare you to say that and also give me a correct definition of what Zionism is. Why I, a Jew that advocates for Palestinian statehood and rights and safety and always have, won't also face the wall in your little fantasy.

Freedom to Palestine. Peace in the middle east, fucking yesterday.

A curse and a plague on those who don't want either of those, and just want to cheer on the death of "the other side".

A curse and a plague upon you, when you tell me, smugly, from somewhere safe and far away, "from the river to the sea".

[genderqueerdykes]

i love you so much i love the way u talk abt trans men and our struggles i makes me feel so seen especially bc youre older than me, i want to be understood , keep posting please

THANK YOU !!

i appreciate that. i feel like nobody (aside from some very cool bloggers on here) is advocating for trans men anymore. like unless its a trans man talking about these issues, it just doesn't happen. nobody advocates on our behalf for the most part. everyone just leaves us to the weeds. we have to help each other because most people just don't even understand what trans men and mascs want. like it's absolutely positively insanity inducing

when i was in college, at my pride group, there were just. no conversations about trans men. at all. in fact. at the time i was beginning to realize i was a trans man but i couldn't find support or acknowledgement of transmasculinity anywhere. whenever i would participate in the conferences, and large group meetings for LGBTQ communities in our part of the country... I was forced into queer women's groups. i did not identify as a woman or bigender at that time. i asked them where a female-to-male genderqueer person should go, and they put me in every queer women's group. i was not being considered trans. i was being viewed as a cis butch lesbian.

i was fucking pissed.

i learned the word transgender and what it meant and the example that was given was male to female, which was informative. i heard a lot of things about feminine transition, drag queens, cis gay male culture, bisexuality, pansexuality, and even asexuality. i want you to know that my college's pride group in 2011 - 2012 was more accepting of asexual people than trans men, which is insane for that time frame. i was actually allowed to help with a presentation on asexuality

i had to go online and research trans men, though. there were none to be found in the group that were at least out and able to talk to each other. we were all very stealth and nervous. my long term friends there ended up being gay men, lesbians, and a transfem agender person. i never met a single trans man there. it was heartbreaking.

i am tired of participating in transmasculine silence. i will not participate in self-erasure. trans men are trans. we're men. we're mascs. we NEED support, community, and care. we need to learn how to access transition resources, to comfort each other, to laugh with each other, to help each other find what clothes make us feel like ourselves, to say each other's names and pronouns, to see one's self in the other.

we need people who will protect us from misgendering. we need to be able to talk about our unique issues. we need to be able to talk about how yes, we experience misogyny, but also that transandrophobia is literally a thing. we need people who will stand up for femme trans men and gay trans men. we need people who understand that it's not okay to call every single trans man a confused butch lesbian and assume that they're a queer cis woman. trans men can be butch lesbians and that's okay. but you can't rip away a trans man's manhood for the sake of being a catty asshole. it's misgendering. it's transphobia. care about being transphobic. transphobia hurts all trans people no matter where it's directed. we all lose when you opt to deny trans men and mascs the right to community.

i am transmasculine. i am a trans man. i love being a trans man. i'm not ashamed. i'm not going back in the closet. i love my transmasculine brothers and siblings. i will not silence them. silencing them is a disservice to us all. i refuse to do that to us.

thank you for sending this ask. stay safe, take care of yourself, you're an important part of the LGBTQ community, don't let anyone take that from you.

[barrenclan]

I hope its okay to ask- what motivated you to keep the body count so low? With how often it was reinforced that this was a tragedy, that no one was safe, etc, I'm in an odd spot in which I think, logically, that it makes perfect sense that it happened this way (straight up think its brilliant, actually!! The thematic relevance of Pinepaw accepting the meaninglessness of his life being what stops Deepdark? Poetry, even) but not being able to reconcile that with being somewhat emotionally let down that only two minor characters died aside from Rainhaze (which was a given imo). This isnt a criticism, the more I digest it the more I enjoy it/I realize what a great choice it was - I actually wouldnt want any of it to change- I'm just very very curious about your thought process on this. You already spoke of Asphodel and Rainhaze, but how did you decide who and how many were going to die? Is it more about the *after*, the picking of the pieces after its over? I am so very excited for the picking of the pieces after its over, actually lol.

Real answer: I have far too much I want to explore thematically with nearly all of the characters, and the vast majority of it only happens if a lot of them remain alive.

When I wrote the ending of the comic, I actually struggled to find another character to kill in the attack besides Mallowstar and Rainhaze - like I said when talking about Cypressfoot's death. There were absolutely no more characters beyond her that I was willing to sacrifice, in terms of what they would give me narratively alive versus dead. This was never a story about everything ending in total destruction, anyways - it's a story about learning how to grow after grief and deal with random acts of misery that seem to leave nearly everything unchanged except for the enormous effects they have on you. You often don't get to choose what is going to happen to you and it's up to forces beyond your control if you and your loved ones live or die.

This is a worldview I hold, anyways - the future is entirely fluid and loose, and just as much as terrible things can happen, everything can turn out fine, too. Misery is not the natural state of the world (that's entropy, haha), and the other side of the coin is always possible. But once events happen, they are locked into an unchangeable permanence and you simply have no choice but to try and grapple with how they will affect your unknowable future. You have infinite branching paths, but you'll only follow one once you look behind you... not to get too much into personal philosophy.

Joke answer: SNIFFLE, SNIFFLE, SOB, I DON'T WANNA KILL MY LITTLE GUYS

[disruptivevoib]

Long Ramble about CCCC and my overall feelings on what the album means and such

Something I find important about CCCC is like.

The fact that all three of them are, in some way, trying.

Heart is emotion, he is prone to himself and being reactionary, in the moment. Prone to the past of learned behavior and trauma. Reactive and rapidly changing. He isn't going to make pure sense because he isn't based in logic or in societal ideals or views. He is an instinctual response to the environment and circumstances. His manipulation is not intentional. He has very little control of himself in the end. Its why Mind talks about claiming to relish entropy yet clearly needing help. But, Heart in earnest wants them to be okay and safe. He believes that Mind's control will drain the life from them. It will make things monotonous and the same. Too much order.

Mind in turn, believes Heart is manipulative with intention. He wants to control Soul or wants to just drag them all down with him into this depressive state. Mind is logic, he is the reasoning out of your emotional instinct. Your inner critique, and when unchecked, that inner critique goes from a guiding hand for your emotion to one that debates and bullies it. Invalidating its responses. Ultimately, though. Mind just believes he is helping. He is doing what must be done and telling the "hard truths" to Heart. And that Heart is being the petty child. Which- I mean. Sort of sure. But Mind is definitely fucking petty and childish. He's stubborn! Prideful! So ofc he is. Admitting you're wrong? No.. why would he EVER do that.. nuh uh.

Which is what makes Light so crucial. Mind asking Heart for help- but also. There is Soul.

Who while ambiguous in purpose, is mostly that background voice. Your inner narration. If Mind is Logic and Reason then Heart is Emotion and Instinct,, Soul is all that lives between it. And he is constantly silenced or spoken over or around. He does not get a word in edgewise until TSE. He may show up in the background occasionally but as much as Heart and Mind claim to want to keep him alive and help him, they also fail to actually acknowledge what he says.

Which is that they both are right and wrong. That this fighting is doing directly what they both feared it would. Soul is desperate by the end. He is angry and resentful because.. well. Self hatred due to intense self awareness and reflection is rather ig. Common. Im not a professional here but from personal experience, you get so tired of rehashing the same shit with yourself over and over. It all feels pointless.

The only out, by the end of it all to Soul is that if they cannot be Whole, whats the point? He is desperate. He does not want to die but he feels theres no other solution.

And. About Whole, Soul throughout the album seems to want that. At the beginning, to be Whole or Harmonious is to be mentally healthy, maybe even "normal" by society's standards. To be able to put a mask over your problems and be, again, "normal". It takes the entire album for Soul to realize that this:

1. isnt possible

And

2. There isn't anything evil or wrong with him for that.

Mental health is a struggle. But you are not evil and should not be othered because you struggle. You also do not need to be fixed for being a little different and people's opinion of you is not what matters most so long as you are happy (and not hurting others. Lol).

Thats what Two Wuv is entirely about as a song. Its a "fuck you. Fuck this! I thought I needed to be this! But I DON'T. Stop telling me who I am! How to be! I'm gonna be me!"

His entire arc is parallel to Heart and Mind's and is crucial in the culmination of becoming yourself again and accepting yourself.

But, as mental health will always be, this period of respite and self acceptance is not always forever. And as life continues or as you lapse back into a depressive episode.. you cannot help but forget what it is like when you're not this way- and hell! Vice versa too! Some people have this disconnect between the periods. Where the things from the depressive state seem dramatic or obtuse to you while you are doing better. And from the other end, you just want to be happy again.. but you get so lost in it all you can struggle to feel like you've ever been happy.

The album is about the human experience. It is about self-sabotage, mental illness, self-hatred and reflection and it is, maybe more importantly about self-acceptance and healing. Having a bit of mercy on yourself. Accepting that you are imperfect and that this is okay. And whatever flaws you may have that need to be mended or worked on, can be. And that who you are, for example, if you are queer, is okay. And no one has the right to take that identity from you! That the internalized ideas of how someone should be are not always correct or right. Not for you, at least. Stuff like that.

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

I have been openly living as a trans man for some years now. And I'm at a point where it doesn't take up so much mental space anymore.

Don't get me wrong: I certainly do not mean "it doesn't matter anymore" here. I am not a "just call me whatever pronouns, I do not care" person and I don't think I ever will be. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's just not how I feel. Being adressed with my name and my pronouns is still important for my mental well-being, and it still triggers feelings of dysphoria when people misgender me.

Even apart from misgendering: My identity is still important, and it always will be! Being trans is not some small thing that loses its importance over time. It's who I am. Being a man - and having grown up in a society that told me I wasn't - influences the way I experience everything in my life (from my self-image to my relationships with others to... well, everything).

What I do mean here is: Before coming out to others, and also before coming out to myself and accepting myself as a man, there were naturally a lot of questions running circles in my brain. Why do I feel so sad when adults tells me I'll grow into a woman? Why does it cause me so much stress when mom tells me to put on a dress? Why does it make me so euphoric to use masculine scents? When I try to picture myself kissing a boy, why do I see two boys? Ah, I just learned trans people exist, why does this fascinate me so much that I can't stop thinking about it? Am I creepy for being so fascinated by them? I'm older now, why is that sad feeling not going away? Why is it only getting worse now that I have "grown into a woman"? Why do I keep getting this horrified feeling that I took a wrong route somewhere and was never meant to arrive at "woman"? Wait... could this mean I am trans? Is it too late to realize I am trans at my age? Can I really be trans when the whole thought of even just considering surgery feels overwhelming and scary? Will I ever be ready to actually come out as trans? I really want to get married some day, could I even find love as a trans person? Can I ever be happy in a relationship if I hide who I am? Can I go on living in the closet? Okay, I am trans and want to come out, is it safe to do that? Will my family still love me? Will I ever be brave enough to come out to people outside of my immediate circle? Will people take me seriously? Will people hate me? Will I regret coming out? What if I fuck up my life?

Well, I came out and the world didn't end. All these questions, I either found answers to them or they just dissolved over time - and that frees up a lot of energy and mental space. The space that was occupied by these questions and concerns is now available to me again.

I do not wonder if I am a man anymore. I just am one. It has become something that is just self-evident to me. It goes without saying - or without conciously spending time thinking about it. Of course I am a man, of course I am Oliver. Who else would I be?

We all have a limited amount of things we can focus on, and many trans people share this experience that over time they do not need to focus so much on it anymnore. But this is not unique to the process of figuring out you are trans - in the sense that a cis gay, bi, ace etc. person could also relate to this, but also in entirely non-lgbt-specific ways. Think about a person prepping for an important exam for example. A lot of their energy and mental space will be tied up in exam related questions... which obviously will not be a permanent state. After the exam, they will naturally no longer by preoccupied by wondering how the exam will go!

I'm telling you all this because one of you asked me if I struggled with coming to terms with being a trans man - and this is my very long way of saying: Yes, I did (and it's pretty normal to do! It's a really big realization about yourself!) but struggling isn't a permanent state.

You'll find answers to some questions, some questions will just fade away. You'll figure things out.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[puppetmaster13u]

You know what we need? Batfam Bloodbourne au

Preferably where they're all sent to The Dream but separately and when they all kill gherman and become baby great ones they come back to Gotham and it's Their Dream now. Just Gotham or the world and Gotham is Home and the most like Yharnam, up to you. But I'd love to see them struggle through the brutality, or make peace with it quickly for some (in my mind Tim would be the most stable, Jason would be okay but not great, Tim just seems so,,, adaptable to me, the most insatiable for knowledge so the most accepting of the consequences of getting that knowledge, pros outweigh the cons kinda deal) with the way others were changed and just unsavable. The people of Yharnam are beasts now and the kindest way to deal with them is to put them down even if it's not permanent. And then come out of it irrevocably changed themselves, more than just mentally. The effects it has on them and the world around them. How The Dream ended, but theirs just began and what if it starts in Gotham and slowly spreads? But they're the only great ones in this world so there's no old blood to corrupt people but that doesn't stop death being...odd. Unless they share their blood in experiments to Know what it would do and if they can use it safely for those they care about. (mad scientist Tim my beloved)

Do you see my vision? It's beautiful

It's wonderful.

Like no joke, I adore Bloodborne, I Love it (Even if I can't play it thanks to getting distracted by all the details in the surroundings & then get murdered lol)

And I wouldn't say Tim is the most adaptable, they all are, but Tim? Compartmentalizes, looks at things logically, straight up turns off his panic at times like it's a switch. But I am also very weak to mad scientist Tim. Even if they probably don't let him do human experiments (not that it stops self-experimentation sometimes)

Gosh I love this. Them still ending up found-family while these utterly horrible things happen around and to them. I wonder if they sometimes take a moment in the dreams and whisper about what they remember before this Living Nightmare. Names they don't know the faces of but know they were important to them. Memories they cling to as they try not to lose what is left of their humanity.

Oh my god, them being the only Great Ones after killing the previous ones? Wonderful idea, I adore it. I bet even if they can take human form still it would be... off. And the more one's Insight is? The more they can see that they're Other.

God the imagery of like, Gotham's moon always being red and thick fog settling across the city each night as their Dream begins is amazing. And I bet that they relish it. I bet they're relieved for normal murder and crime, compared to the Plague of Beasts they had been dealing with what felt like years. Time gets so meaningless with an Endless night full of Deaths over and over.

I bet Gotham looks even more Gothic than before. Actually, you know what? This would be perfect for a No Man's Land situation. For the city to be abandoned only to be held afloat by newborn Gods who no longer quite understand the humans, not with how long the Hunt has stretched on, but care all the same. Idk I just really like this idea in general lol. I am weak to eldritch AUs and Bloodborne is glorious.

[skzkiof]

For Ivantill prompts can I request maybe something where Ivan tries to care of Till who is in a depressive episode. It can be post-round 6 where they both made it out or pre-round 6, but either way Till is struggling with his mental health.

1.8k; accepting ivantill prompts

“I know the healer said you were fine…” Mizi paused, side-eyeing him, “but you were still shot in the side, you know.”

Ivan ignored her, focusing on getting down the hallway without stumbling. If he stumbled even once, he knew Mizi would drag him back to his room. “You said he wasn’t eating.”

“I—” Mizi sighed, shoulders slumping. “I did, and I’m realizing maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”

It was his turn to side-eye her, “I would’ve never forgiven you.”

“Mm.” She let out a huff of air that sounded almost like a laugh. “I know you’re worried. So am I. But this isn’t exactly surprising, Ivan.”

He paused. “We were saved. He’s safe.”

“You’re both safe,” she corrected firmly before visibly softening, reaching out to grasp one of his hands.

He let her, staring into her eyes. The difference was almost startlingly; no longer did she have the bright eyes of the girl he had known. The kindness was still there, he surmised it always would be, but the light had dimmed.

“It isn’t as easy as just getting saved,” she said quietly. “That doesn’t undo the damage. Especially—” She paused, looking away for a moment. When she looked back, she squeezed his hand. “He still saw you get shot, Ivan.”

He stiffened a little. “It was just a flesh wound.” He tried to tug his hand away; Mizi held on with a surprising tightness.

“You have always underestimated yourself, Ivan,” she looked almost sad, and it made his skin feel itchy all over. “He cares for you. Deeply.”

Finally he managed to free his hand, ignoring the too-loud thumping in his chest. “I need to see him.”

“Okay,” she agreed easily now, smiling with that same tinge of sadness that made him feel too exposed.

-

Ivan opened the door and peered inside. He wasn’t too surprised to find Till asleep; Mizi had also informed him that he was sleeping most of the time.

Gently he shut the door behind him, wincing when the metal hinges creaked loudly, but one glance at the bed and it was obvious Till was still asleep.

Walking to the bed, he admired Till for a silent moment. He found himself counting his breaths before stopping himself with a firm shake of his head.

He didn’t need to worry about that, not anymore. Till was safe.

Slowly he eased himself into the chair by the bed. For a moment longer, he sat there and watched Till. At first glance, he looked peaceful, but after a while Ivan started to notice little details—a tiny furrow between his eyebrows, a twitch in his jaw—that made him realize that might not be the case. Even in sleep, he seemed haunted.

He was safe, but he didn’t feel it. Or believe it. In the end, that was all that mattered.

Ivan thought back to what Mizi had said. Had he been the cause of this? Surely not. Ivan being shot in front of him was hardly the most traumatic thing Till had ever experienced.

It was only when Till made a muffled sound in the very back of his throat that sounded suspiciously like a sob that Ivan forced himself to move. Leaning onto the side of the bed, he reached out and brushed his knuckles against Till’s jaw.

Even that featherlight touch was enough to have him scrambling awake, tangling himself in the blanket as he hurried to sit up. Ivan quickly leaned back, giving him space.

After he calmed down, Ivan noticed two things: his eyes were dull—even duller than they’d been on stage—and the dark circles under them were so dark he looked sick.

“Hey,” he greeted. For once, he understood what it felt like to be unsure of what to say.

Till stared at him. Once it was obvious he wasn’t going to respond, Ivan glanced around. He found what he was looking for on the bedside table.

“I heard you haven’t been eating,” he continued, grabbing the bowl. It was a mix of fruits. Mizi had mentioned something about it being easy on the stomach and refreshing. Obviously Till hadn’t felt the same way.

Till still said nothing. Ivan ignored the tightness in his chest.

“You’re recovering,” he said. “You need to eat.”

Still nothing. Ivan swallowed. He needed to tread carefully, he knew that, but that was more of Mizi’s expertise. He usually never thought twice about what he was going to say or do.

Just as he was opening his mouth to try again, Till sniffed once and said, “I should be mad at you right now.” Ivan’s mouth snapped shut. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he wasn’t going to interrupt. Till breathed out slowly. “But I don’t even have it in me.”

Ivan gently set the bowl aside. “I’m—”

“If you apologize, I’m going to start crying.”

Ivan pressed his lips together. Till hadn’t even cried on the stage, or immediately after, but Ivan wasn’t going to test him.

“I…” Till looked down; Ivan followed his line of sight and watched as Till fidgeted, nearly drawing blood with how roughly he was picking at his cuticles. He resisted the urge to stop him. Not yet. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Ivan.”

“Nothing is wrong with you,” he assured, and he meant it. They were all a little screwed up, but wasn’t that to be expected? “You’re just upset.”

Till let out a wet sounding scoff. “Upset?” he repeated with an intensity that made Ivan feel a little shaken, “I know what upset feels like, Ivan. I’ve been upset. This is—this is like I’m going to burst. Any second.”

“If you do,” Ivan placed his hand on the bed, though he didn’t quite touch him, “I’ll be here for you.”

Till sniffled. “You kissed me on stage without consent but now you won’t even touch me?”

“I’m working on bettering myself,” he replied easily. It was a joke as much as it was the truth. He had no intention of betraying Till’s trust again.

Till let out a pitiful attempt at a laugh. Without a word, he placed his hand palm up on his thigh, a silent invitation. Ivan hesitated for only a second before he slid their hands together, fingers intertwining. He spotted a bloody patch on Till’s thumb from where he had obviously picked at the skin too much.

“I should be relieved,” Till continued after a lull in conversation, so quietly Ivan could barely hear him. “I should… I’m lucky. I know that. I just—”

He paused, glanced at Ivan quickly before looking away again, jaw tight.

“You can tell me.” Ivan squeezed his hand. He hated knowing Till was still suffering. He was naive for ever thinking it was going to just disappear if they somehow got to safety. Even back when they were children, it was a foolish dream.

Till shrugged weakly. “I… You can’t get mad.”

He didn’t like the sound of that. Ivan breathed in. “I won’t.” A beat. A skeptical look from Till. “I promise.”

“Okay.” Till looked ahead, staring at nothing, just the blank wall across from them. “I kind of wish I had died.”

Ivan made an effort to keep his voice as calm as possible, “I’m glad you didn’t.” Then, “I wouldn’t have let you.”

He saw Till smile out of the corner of his eye. It was small, a little sad. “Obviously not,” he agreed quietly. “You let yourself get shot for me.” He shook his head. “I am—um. Thankful,” he said, “I know it doesn’t seem like it. It’s just—”

Ivan waited, knowing he just needed time. Ignored the heavy thumping in his chest, the sudden urge to vomit.

“I think it’d be… easier,” Till’s voice grew a little more shaky with every word, “I don’t know. To not. Deal with any of this.” Ivan didn’t comment on the growing wetness in his eyes, or the tremble in his jaw. “It’s like, I’m expected to be thankful. Or–or something. And I am, I mean.” Till cursed quietly, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s hard to explain.”

Ivan brushed his thumb over his knuckles. “Try?”

Till opened his eyes, just enough to glance over at him. Swallowing thickly, he looked ahead again and shook his head. “I don’t know… Now I have to learn how—how to deal with this shit. Sometimes surviving is harder, I think.”

It was odd. Ivan had never really thought of it like that. What after would look like for them.

“You’re not alone,” he said finally.

Till nodded, scrubbed roughly at his face with his free hand. “I—I think I need a little more sleep.” He sniffed. “I’m tired.”

Ivan glanced at the fruit. “Okay,” he agreed quietly, “but you have to try to eat when you wake up, even if you don’t feel hungry.”

For a moment, Till didn’t answer. Ivan tugged on his hand lightly.

“Till,” he said. He waited until Till finally glanced at him. “I never really cared if I lived or died.”

His eyes widened, just a little. Ivan thought back to the first day he had met Till, the first moment he realized Till was different. Maybe the others hadn’t realized it, but he had. Somehow he had made Ivan feel alive, despite all odds.

“But I always cared that you lived,” he continued steadily. “As long as you’re here, I’m satisfied.”

Till sniffed. “I don’t want to hear that,” he said wetly. “I don’t want you to die. For me or anyone.”

“Okay,” Ivan agreed easily. “How about this, then?” He took Till’s hand in both of his, cradling it with care. Like it was the most important thing in the world. To him, it was. “No matter how hard it is, or how bad it gets, we hold on for each other?”

Till let out a pitiful sound. “That’s really—” He looked away. “That’s really fucking cheesy, even for you.”

“Want to know the worst part?” Ivan whispered. Till eyed him. “I mean every word of it.”

Till snorted. It wasn’t a laugh, not quite, but it was enough for now. Ivan grinned, bringing their hands up to his mouth and pressing a kiss to Till’s knuckles. He made a face but didn’t pull his hand away, which just made Ivan feel more emboldened. He moved up and pressed a kiss to Till’s wrist; his skin was pale, even for him, nearly translucent, probably from being locked away underground and malnourished.

“Answer the question,” he breathed against his skin.

Till shook his head. “You’re—I can’t believe you sometimes.” He reached up with his free hand, hesitated for a second, before pressing his hand into Ivan’s hair. “Okay,” he agreed softly.

Ivan felt the tightness in his chest loosen, just a little.

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

i am obSESSSSED with how you write coop 🫶 but i have to ask.. do you have any thoughts about maximus? 👀 my boy needs some loving..

General Maximus Headcanons

(NSFW under the cut)

SFW:

It was so nice to get to see this cutie pie experience a little bit of pampering when he and Lucy were staying in Vault 4. Here are some other mundane pleasures that I think he's never experienced but would greatly enjoy: the concept of a DVR, playing literally any video game on a nice PC setup, one of those solid four-poster beds, Mongolian barbecue, a full body massage at a legit massage parlor (that is, if he could be trusted to not sin all over the place in the middle of it a la that virgin guy Luanne almost married in that one episode of King of the Hill).

Zero ability to gauge friendliness. If you're nice to him, he's suspicious that you want something from him/are trying to manipulate him (or that you wanna fuck him once someone explains the concept of proper flirting to him). Struggles to make friends that feel genuine. Yearns for a type of companionship he's never had before just like he yearns for a safe home he's never really known.

Seeing him watch TV in Vault 4 made me think about what sort of things he'd like to watch, and I think he seems like he'd really like slice-of-life/laugh track type sitcoms. Something comforting and nice where people's problems are less "life and death" and more about showing that they love one another. This man would love, like, Ted Lasso.

He's real touchy about his brand scar (the whole Titus thing in general, actually). Best not to ask too many questions about it and keep quiet if he brings it up.

Much like Cooper, this man is such a sucker for inside jokes. He wants to be included so badly that feeling like he's in on a bit will make him SO happy. He'll run the joke into the ground in his excitement, but that's okay.

NSFW:

We've seen that he obviously lacks comprehensive sex education, and I think that would be a breeding ground for the guy to have a bunch of very niche kinks.

All sorts of things you do get him worked up for reasons he absolutely doesn't understand, and half the time he doesn't even really realize that what he's feeling is arousal/sexual frustration, so you may find that, early on, he gets annoyed and instead asks you to stop doing those things in front of him because they "bother him". These include: pulling your hair up away from your neck/face, licking your fingers when you eat, resting your head in his lap when he's sitting down.

Doesn't jerk off and as a result has insane nocturnal emissions about once a week. Well, he thinks they're nocturnal emissions, once someone explains to him what that is. He's actually humping his mattress to completion most of the times it happens. He assumes this happens to literally everyone.

I think he would love mutual masturbation as a low-stakes way to share some intimacy with you without having to worry about touching or being touched "right". Plus, it would be a good opportunity to study the way you like to be stimulated without feeling like a creep.

MASSIVE mommy kink. It just makes too much sense. He so deeply desires that sense of safety and unconditional acceptance that comes with having a proper 'home' that I think if you babied him a little, he'd be yours forever. Absolutely just wants to bury his face into your breasts and comfort suckle while you jerk him off. This man calls you "mama" when he cums.

[drdemonprince]

hey, i love your blog & your advice & wanted to seek some of my own if thats okay. i made a friend recently who i think is great - we've been through very similar mental health struggles and we're both autistic and i've had many a time where he's told me really compassionate and helpful things, and he's very accepting of my struggles & seeks me out to hajg out, which a lot of people don't do - but i just can't shake the feeling that he's subtley making fun of me or insulting me? he definitely has a sense of humour prone to teasing, which i am very sensitive to, and i've expressed this to him... but it's just like, these little things, like when he wanted me to come to something with him but i have plans, he'll say something like 'dissapointed you didn't come with me...' or 'well if you were COOL you would have come with me' and it makes me very upset? like i said i've brought it up to him multiple times, but it seems like it's just his sense of humour, but it's beginning to seriously weigh on me. he's said he wants to do better by me and asked me what the line is but i feel like i don't know, sometimes our running jokes about me being a bottom are funny and then they suddenly get too much, and it feels like i'm reacting to the lightest comment (like when he comments that i'm late to things a lot or asks me if im going to be late) sometimes, i don't know how to express what i'm actually getting upset at. do you think there's anything i can do to make this situation better? i really don't want to lose him as a friend, and i want to work on my sensitivity, i just don't know if this is something i can work through

This is tough, but you're doing the important work of communicating about it. I'm a lot like your friend sometimes -- I notice patterns in how people cancel or turn up late to things, and then will state directly that I've observed it, or make predictions based on that pattern, which hurts people's feelings even when I mean it in a completely neutral or even affectionate way. Sometimes when intimacy between me and another person builds, I want to show that closeness by kind of play-fighting with them or making little sarcastic jokes or remarks, which can be wonderfullll when the energy is met, but it can also misfire and really hurt people. I'm putting this out there so that you and any one else reading can feel free to ask about this perspective. For me, it's not intended to be cruel, it's intended to show that I know and accept someone as they are, and find their traits endearing, and I LOVE when people playfully rib me too. it may also be an outgrowth of PDA and attachment trauma -- a way I can feel safe with getting closer is by pretending to keep a distance.

That said, I also HATE when someone guilts me for not being available for something, not wanting to do something, or not showing up. Again, it's the PDA there. I would really really hate someone giving me shit for not going to an event with them, as your friend did, I find that stuff incredibly manipulative and unpleasant, and I personally would be very bothered by those remarks too. So I can understand, I think, both sides of things here!

My question for you would be how your friend responds when you tell him that his remarks have hurt your feelings. I think there is room for a middleground in such matters -- he should work on calibrating his barbed remarks, and you can remember the goodness of the friendship and temper your reactions to some things sometimes, but he HAS to view your concerns as legitimate and be willing to apologize first. Does he freak out and self-victimize or blow things out of proportion when you speak up? Has he stopped making any specific kinds of remarks because you asked? Have you asked? Are you comfortable telling him that something bothers you, even when you can't fully explain why?

I think that if this friendship is going to negotiate both your approaches, it will be done in the gray areas. Sometimes you'll feel triggered by a relatively benign remark, and that deserves talking about! Sometimes he'll say something in completely the wrong way, and he'll need to apologize, and that should be talked about too! It's never inappropriate for you to bring up your feelings, even if you can't give him perfect guidelines as to what he should say or not say. And he should have some leeway to express his care for you in his own way, to an extent, too -- this doesn't mean you should let him do things that hurt you, more that you should try to operate with the base assumption that anything he says comes from his position as your friend who cares about you. That's IF he has actually consistently shown he cares about you and your feelings. If he hasn't, that's another matter.

I hope that makes sense! tldr; keep talking about it. Keep sharing how you feel. Listen to him and watch his patterns of behavior, and if he shows consistently that he does care about your feelings, then you can let that trust help you to process and temper some of your hurt when he accidentally hits your insecurities sometimes.

[lauralot89]

in all calmness I must proceed.

good luck with that buddy

Van Helsing returned with extraordinary celerity

I first read this as "extraordinary celery" and was very confused

We must be alone with him when he becomes conscious, after the operation.

wait are you going to operate on him on a blood-soaked floor? Did we know about bacteria at this point? I feel like we did

I'll be quiet, Doctor. Tell them to take off the strait-waistcoat. I have had a terrible dream, and it has left me so weak that I cannot move. What's wrong with my face?

I want you all to know that I'm not crying, but only because I went to a performance of Les Mis last night and I've run out of tears

Quick, Doctor, quick. I am dying! I feel that I have but a few minutes; and then I must go back to death—or worse! Wet my lips with brandy again. I have something that I must say before I die; or before my poor crushed brain dies anyhow.

I mean, not to tell a man dying of brain injuries what to do, but you should probably get to the point a little faster

He was interrupted by a word from the Professor

Guys Renfield has minutes to live

The Acherontia Aitetropos of the Sphinges—what you call the 'Death's-head Moth'

Van Helsing is that really relevant right now

I found myself opening the sash and saying to Him: 'Come in, Lord and Master!'

okay so Renfield has escaped multiple times but apparently has a room with a window he can open, great work Seward

I don't care for the pale people

Well no wonder he hates Dracula

So when He came to-night I was ready for Him. I saw the mist stealing in, and I grabbed it tight. I had heard that madmen have unnatural strength; and as I knew I was a madman—at times anyhow—I resolved to use my power. Ay, and He felt it too, for He had to come out of the mist to struggle with me. I held tight; and I thought I was going to win

at least for now, Renfield had taken Quincey's place as the greatest character in fiction. I do not accept debate.

Also this situation is deadly serious and very sad but can I just point out that Dracula very nearly lost a fistfight to a mortal man, and that's hilarious

listen you jerks, I know time is of the essence but even if you don't have time to apologize to Renfield for not listening him, you could at least thank him for telling you

"May it not frighten her terribly? It is unusual to break into a lady's room!"

Quincey. Quincey, I love you, but you are so stupid.

He dipped the end of a towel in cold water and with it began to flick him on the face

this is again not funny but it also kind of is

It interested me, even at that moment, to see, that, whilst the face of white set passion worked convulsively over the bowed head, the hands tenderly and lovingly stroked the ruffled hair.

It took me entirely too long to realize that Seward is describing Jonathan here, and not what Dracula was doing while he made Mina drink his blood. My brain is slow today.

Go on, friend Arthur. We want here no more concealments. Our hope now is in knowing all.

Little late for that, Professor Van Dumbass

Here I interrupted. "Thank God there is the other copy in the safe!"

oh sure, say that out loud when we don't know where Dracula is

I could not but feel that Art was keeping back something; but, as I took it that it was with a purpose, I said nothing

YOU ARE ALL SO STUPID

God knows that I do not want that you be pained; but it is need that we know all.

too bad you didn't reach that conclusion DAYS AGO

I was bewildered, and, strangely enough, I did not want to hinder him. I suppose it is a part of the horrible curse that such is, when his touch is on his victim.

I'm completely normal about the implications of this

Is it ever explained what the terrible odor that's associated with Dracula is? It's typically described in connection with his breath, so I thought at first they were smelling blood and finding it unpleasant, but from the description of the air in the chapel I think it must go beyond that. Is it the smell of decomposition? But then shouldn't it have been stronger when he was starving than it is now? Is it just stale air that's sat in his lungs for who knows how long? Does the blood he drinks rot inside of him once he's taken whatever he needs of it?

Whilst they played wits against me—against me who commanded nations, and intrigued for them, and fought for them, hundreds of years before they were born

I mean it does speak to the collective stupidity of the Crew of Light that Count "Throw Wolves at Everything" Dracula outsmarted them. That's got to hurt.

As it was, he thought that on the attendant's evidence he could give a certificate of death by misadventure in falling from bed.

oh yeah that's believable from his injuries

the very first thing we decided was that Mina should be in full confidence; that nothing of any sort—no matter how painful—should be kept from her.

too little too late, morons

"Because if I find in myself—and I shall watch keenly for it—a sign of harm to any that I love, I shall die!"

"You would not kill yourself?" he asked, hoarsely.

"I would; if there were no friend who loved me, who would save me such a pain, and so desperate an effort!"

Mina is amazing, if only anyone else had even half her sense

but now he does not know our intentions

they're damn lucky Dracula was probably too stupid to read the notes before he burned them

"Friend Quincey is right!" said the Professor. "His head is what you call in plane with the horizon

...do you mean on straight

amazing

Things have been as bad as they can be;

they really haven't, they can get far worse

When it struck him what he said, he was horrified at his thoughtlessness

first time for everything

Listen, as much as I'm glad that you've stopped being fucking idiots and hiding things from each other, now that Mina is mentally connected to Dracula, maybe it would have been better not to have her in the planning session

Now let me guard yourself. On your forehead I touch this piece of Sacred Wafer in the name of the Father, the Son, and——

HEY GENIUS, she has demon blood in her, what did you think would happen

To one thing I have made up my mind: if we find out that Mina must be a vampire in the end, then she shall not go into that unknown and terrible land alone.

I love Jonathan Harker a normal amount. I am completely normal about this. Excuse me while I sob grossly for unrelated reasons.

Taking from his box a piece of the Sacred Wafer he laid it reverently on the earth, and then shutting down the lid began to screw it home, we aiding him as he worked.

you just locked Jesus in a coffin.

I mean, He'd probably be cool with it, but still.

for we knew we had a strong and wily enemy to deal with

help now my stupid brain is imagining Wile E. Coyote as Dracula

Last night he was a frank, happy-looking man, with strong, youthful face, full of energy, and with dark brown hair. To-day he is a drawn, haggard old man, whose white hair matches well with the hollow burning eyes and grief-written lines of his face.

it has been years since I last read this book, and in my head I thought that Jonathan's hair had turned white after the experiences in Transylvania, like over a period of time, from stress. But no, it happened over night because he's such a devoted wife guy that Mina's sorrow damn near killed him

he was in life a most wonderful man. Soldier, statesman, and alchemist—which latter was the highest development of the science-knowledge of his time. He had a mighty brain, a learning beyond compare, and a heart that knew no fear and no remorse.

I am so normal about human Dracula, so very normal

Well, in him the brain powers survived the physical death; though it would seem that memory was not all complete.

so does this mean he's forgotten most/all of his human life? He's literally lost every connection to humanity, even in memory?

Now I'm sad

In some faculties of mind he has been, and is, only a child

that would explain the "throw wolves at the problem" mentality

"I fail to understand," said Harker wearily. "Oh, do be more plain to me! Perhaps grief and trouble are dulling my brain."

No, Jonathan, that's just what dealing with Van Helsing is like

Do we not see how at the first all these so great boxes were moved by others. He knew not then but that must be so. But all the time that so great child-brain of his was growing, and he began to consider whether he might not himself move the box.

it took Dracula four hundred years to figure out he can move things himself. I love him, he's so fucking stupid

Look out for D

why does this amuse me so

He seems to be going the round and may want to see you

Dracula, pounding furiously on the door: Leave my shit alone!

Harker evidently meant to try the matter, for he had ready his great Kukri knife and made a fierce and sudden cut at him.

God bless Jonathan Harker.

The next instant, with a sinuous dive he swept under Harker's arm, ere his blow could fall, and, grasping a handful of the money from the floor, dashed across the room, threw himself at the window.

this mental image is beautiful

We ran over and saw him spring unhurt from the ground.

Really, this is almost a Looney Tunes bit

"You think to baffle me, you—with your pale faces all in a row, like sheep in a butcher's. You shall be sorry yet, each one of you! You think you have left me without a place to rest; but I have more. My revenge is just begun! I spread it over centuries, and time is on my side. Your girls that you all love are mine already; and through them you and others shall yet be mine—my creatures, to do my bidding and to be my jackals when I want to feed. Bah!"

can we talk about how Bram Stoker wrote some of the most badass and iconic dialogue ever for Dracula here and then finished it with BAH!

wait I just realized when Dracula came in he must have seen Jonathan's now white hair and had a moment of confusion about it

That poor soul who has wrought all this misery is the saddest case of all. Just think what will be his joy when he, too, is destroyed in his worser part that his better part may have spiritual immortality. You must be pitiful to him, too, though it may not hold your hands from his destruction.

help I feel unauthorized emotion

I, too, may need such pity; and that some other like you—and with equal cause for anger—may deny it to me!

I need to lie down

Surely God will not permit the world to be the poorer by the loss of such a creature.

I AM COMPLETELY NORMAL

[radiostaticsmile]

Safety and rapid attachment in BPD

People with BPD often form rapid and intense attachments to new people, and this can be especially intense when both people have BPD. These rapid attachments can be dangerous and painful, since you start to get very close to a person before seeing them in many situations and really knowing them. Most of the advice I have received as a person with BPD is to just avoid these kind of attachments. However, in my experience, that will just lead to me self-isolating, because I literally do not know how to make friends with a new person otherwise. I am sort of an all or nothing person, I can let myself talk about everything and be very familiar with someone or I can be entirely closed off and struggle to connect at all.  Additionally, attachment to a new person in this intense fashion causes feelings of euphoria, which I think people with BPD should be allowed to enjoy.

Our goal should not be to have relationships that look like everyone else’s, even if that were possible, which I really do not think that it is. Forcing yourself not to have these attachments can be harmful. However, like I said, these kind of attachments can be dangerous, especially for people who are emotionally volatile like people with BPD are. So instead we need to focus on how to have these kind of attachments safely. The following is advice on how to do this, based on my own experience as a person with BPD who as experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly as a result of rapid intense attachment.

Possible results of attachment

There are three possible results of a rapid attachment. Knowing what all three of them are, and most importantly accepting that they may happen, is important in both keeping yourself safe and treating the person you are attached to well. When you are intensely attached and it is going well, it can feel like you can trust that person with your life, and it is going to last forever. It is not. The intense attachment phase will end, and it is important to know that. It is really a sad news, because it honestly is the best feeling in the world. Something being temporary doesn’t mean you shouldn't enjoy it, however. So enjoy your feelings, lean into them as much as the person you are with consents to it, but accept the that it is not a permanent state. Accepting this can help prevent a BPD crash when it does start to fade in intensity, and it can help you keep an eye out for signs that it is going to end badly.

So what are these three ways it can end?

1. The relationship cools down, but remains good.

This is the ideal! Yippee, you have yourself a new friend. You may miss the intense feelings you had in the beginning, but they can and will come back sometimes, especially if your relationship is kinky and you do a scenario lol. But you are unlikely to have that constant obsession feeling long term, it will come and go or it may stop and you will have a more regular relationship. It is okay to feel less intensely about the person! It doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore, it just means that intensity is difficult to maintain for a long time!

One important thing to remember about this is that the person you are attaching to may reach this phase before you do! You may have been constantly messaging in the beginning, and now they are replying less often and doing other things. This does not mean they do not like you any more! BPD makes us very sensitive to rejection, and someone reaching this phase before you can hurt! But I promise everything is okay, and this is what you want to eventually happen, because it is what allows you to be able to have a sustainable long term relationship. Do some coping mechanism things while your person is busy, play your favorite games, talk to other friends, color or draw, whatever helps you feel better when you are down. Do not try to make the person talk to you more than is comfortable for them! This is crossing their boundaries and will either scare them away or damage them mentally.

2. The relationship fizzles or ends because of an incompatibility.

When forming an intense attachment, you tend to think about the other person 24/7. You form an idea of them in your head that you really like, but since you do not actually know them that well this idea may not actually match the reality of what that person is like. Sometimes after a bit one or both of you will realize you aren’t actually as compatible as you thought! This is okay! This is normal to happen when getting to know a new person, and you are still getting to know a new person even if they feel very familiar quickly! If this happens, it is important to learn to let the relationship go. Realize they aren’t the person you imagined, and don’t try to force them to change to be that person, and don’t try to convince yourself you still like them if you don’t. It is okay to thank them for the good time and part ways! Often this will just kinda be a fizzling in conversation and both people message less until you just kinda stop. You may need to let the other person know that you do not want the relationship to continue though if they are still interested but you are not. Tell them firmly but politely you are no longer interested. This can be scary but it is important to assert your boundaries! If they try to argue and continue when you are no longer interested, block them. No one is entitled to your time or affection!

3. Abuse and mistreatment.

This is the worst case scenario, and unfortunately it is not uncommon. When you attach to someone quickly, you can often make yourself vulnerable to someone when you don’t know them well yet. Personally, I think it is okay to share personal things quickly, since I do not know how to connect to people otherwise and have a bad sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. Instead, it is important to look for signs that the person is using the things you tell them against you. If you tell them something personal and they then use that to trigger you on purpose or control your behavior, run immediately.

In addition to those who are purposefully using your vulnerability to take advantage of you, there are people who will abuse you on accident. In my experience this is actually a lot more common, so it is important to look out for the signs. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, acting entitled to your time and attention when you are not able or not wanting to give it, or trying to change who you are or modify your behavior, run. And by modify your behavior I do not mean boundary setting or them asking you to treat them differently; that is normal relationship negotiation. I mean if someone is trying to get you to change your sleeping or eating habits for them, control who else you talk to, push you to do something you are not comfortable with, or just trying to control what you do when it has nothing to do with them. People can raise concerns if they are worried about you, but they should not be trying to force you to do anything.

Sometimes people think they are doing these things ‘for your own good’. It is for no ones good to have their autonomy taken away, or to live in fear of upsetting or disappointing another person, or to have to live up to impossible standards. Some people will do this because they cannot let go of the idea they made of you in their head, and are trying to make you into the person they wanted you to be. This is why it is so important not to try to force that onto someone; not only is it not going to work and you will be disappointed, You will be abusing them. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Learn to let go if you need to or accept them for who they actually are. This is so so so deeply important.

It can be difficult to admit when someone you like is abusing or mistreating you. After all, you like them a lot and they made you feel so good. You think maybe you can teach them how to treat you well. You can’t. Even if you could, it will hurt you the whole time. It is not your job. If someone starts to disrespect your boundaries, you gotta go. If they mess up a couple times and apologize, that is okay, but if they keep doing it thats no good, even if they apologize, because they are showing you they are not putting in the effort to change the behavior and not hurt you. I know it hurts and its hard and they will probably be mad and that makes it scary. You still gotta do it as soon as possible, the longer you stay the harder it will be. Its okay to block them on everything. Its okay to leave without explanation (though its nice to give one). YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FEELINGS! 

Other things to keep in mind

Honestly just keeping those three ending possibilities in mind and accepting the reality is the number one thing you must do to keep yourself safe in a rapid attachment relationship, but there are a few other things to keep in mind.

1. Boundary setting.

As I mentioned above, your boundaries are important! Setting clear boundaries and expectations for what you want out of the relationship, and leaving if the other person cannot respect that, will keep you safe and happy. Often I have been in an intense attachment relationship where I wanted it to be romantically kinky but not romantic, and the other person interprets romance where I did not intend it. Once this happened the other way around where I thought the relationship was romantic and the other person did not intend that. By being very clear about what you want, what you are open to, and what you are not open to, you can prevent pain and misunderstanding for both of you. It may feel a bit weird to talk about if you are open to dating or not early in a relationship where neither of you may really be planning on it, but it can honestly be useful for both people to know. If you ask about this and the person gets weirded out you can link them this essay to explain, lol.

2. Be careful about doing things that are hard to undo.

Speaking of dating, people who attach quickly will often also start dating quickly. THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!! I will not stop you, you can make your own decisions, but it is a lot more difficult and painful to end a relationship with an official dynamic like dating than it is to just stop talking to someone you are getting to know and don’t have an official relationship of any kind with. I know you feel very intensely and you feel like you love them and you will love them forever, but you might not! And if you do turn out to be perfect for each other long term you have plenty of time! It is okay to be fun and flirty, its ok to be horny and lovey, but please both be clear that you are not intending that to be an official relationship (see above point) and WAIT TO DATE. 

(And don’t say that it is okay for them to tell their friends that you are their partner if you do not consider yourself so. I once told someone this because they said they just wanted an easier way to explain it to people, but then they took that and decided we were actually dating because of it, I didn’t know how to boundary set and say no, felt trapped and had to break up with a person I never intended to be dating. Do not confuse your terms!!)

I think that’s all. Please add on to this if I missed something you learned in your experience!!

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[nowritingonthewall]

Absolutely loved your 👶 and 💍 headcannons for Steven, not to mention Marc’s marriage headcannons. If you don’t mind, could you do 👶 headcannons with Jake and Marc (and possibly 💍 for Jake)?

Hello lovely Nonnie, here comes part two 🥰

!Content warning for pregnancy, parenthood, and past trauma!

Please be aware that I am neither an expert on DID nor on trauma.

Angsty because it’s Marc, but also fluffy because he deserves it.

👶 Family headcanons with Marc Spector (x female reader)

- When you first find out that you are pregnant, Marc is absolutely terrified of the idea of becoming a father. No matter how far he may have come on his healing journey, a part of him is still grappling with the guilt of not being able to save his little brother, while another part keeps telling him that he wasn’t able to protect Steven the way that he should have.

How could he, Marc Spector, who ruins the life of everybody that he gets in contact with, be trusted with the responsibility of taking care of something as precious and fragile and helpless as a newborn child? And what about when they grow up? What will happen if his child witnesses him being triggered into a melt down, what kind of pain will he inflict upon them if he isn’t able to control his rage and aggression in front of them? And his nightmare of all nightmares: What if he turns into his mother?

- So, while Steven dives straight into learning everything possible there is to know about pregnancy and child birth, as Jake launches ‘Project mission impossible: making your flat child safe’,  Marc falls back on his instinct to retreat and let Steven and Jake be the fathers that your child deserves. Of course, neither you nor his alters are ready to accept that.

It’ll take a lot of love and patience to convince him how much he is worthy of being a father, but fortunately, he has got you and Steven and Jake to help and support him (and he doesn’t deserve any less).

- During the first few weeks of your pregnancy, he carefully avoids your bump as if he could hurt your unborn child just by touching it.

When his hand lands on your belly for the first time by pure accident and he can feel the little one reacting to him, it suddenly hits him in all its brutal force, the reality of it all and the small and precious little life growing inside of you. But before the rising panic can get a proper hold of him, you carefully lay a re-assuring hand over his, while you gently cup his face with your other hand and remind him how to breathe and that he wasn’t alone and that everything was going to be okay. When his breathing returns to normal, you ask him carefully whether he would like to see the first sonogram of his son. Not letting go of his hand, you wait until he nods ever so slightly before presenting him with the very first ultrasonic scan of your child. You can see a whole galaxy of emotions pass through his eyes before he looks back to you with a soft yet determined gentleness.

Marc is a protector. And while his unshakable need to protect the ones he loves may not erase his fears, it is certainly strong enough to pose a counterweight to be reckoned with. And you are there. And Steven. And Jake.

And maybe… just maybe… it is going to be okay…

- His protectiveness doesn’t only go through the roof; it flies right to the end of the universe and back again. You so much as think of lifting anything heavier than a cup of tea and he is at your side immediately, offering a helping hand. (He respects you way too much to simply take anything out of your hands, but he is always there to offer his help.)

At the slightest sign of you showing any discomfort, he’s there, with no need or wish of you being too ridiculous or too exhausting to fulfil. Even though he may struggle to put his feelings into words, his actions more than speak for themselves.

He would take all the pain from you, if only he could find a way to do so.

- Your sudden mood swings are particularly hard on him in the beginning. Every time you start to cry for no apparent reason, he defaults to assuming that he must have done something wrong. Even after Steven has had a long and detailed discussion with him about “those bleedin’ ‘ormones”.

Yet, no matter how much it may hurt himself to see you in discomfort and no matter how helpless he may feel upon having to watch you being in pain without being able to do anything to ease it, he swallows it all down, as he lies down with you, gently holding you and hugging you and stroking your back until you are feeling a little better.

- The first time that Marc finds himself completely alone with your son lying in front of him on the changing table, he struggles to fight against the all too familiar rising panic of doing something wrong.

As his son looks up at him with his bright and shining eyes, he can see Steven in them, his wonder and curiosity. He can see Roro in them, his innocence and admiration for his older brother. He remembers how his mother would shush him away harshly, whenever he wanted to help her take care of little Roro. As if he could hurt his little brother, simply by being there. And somehow it was always his fault whenever Roro started to cry.

But instead of starting to cry when Marc cradles his head with his warm protective hand ever so softly, his son squeals and kicks his little legs into the air, before trying to grab for Marc’s curls.

And then he can see himself. Innocent little Marc who never understood what he had done to deserve to be treated like that by his mother. Before he had given her a reason to hate him. And as his silent tears start to fall, Steven’s words are echoing through his mind, “It wasn’t your fault!”

With the excited babbling of his son bringing him back to the present, he begins to smile through his tears. One of those rare and real Marc smiles.

Placing the softest of kisses on his son’s forehead, he whispers, “Hey, little one. I am sorry that you’re stuck with me as your dad. But you’ve got the best mommy in the whole world and your other two dads are there to make sure that I don’t screw up, okay? And… I promise that I’m always gonna be there for you, little one!”

- In the beginning, Marc feels somewhat anxious about never knowing what to say to your little son (and later your daughter) and just chatter away like Steven would. He doesn’t really know any lullabies, either, because he can’t remember his parents ever singing to him and the memory of his mother singing to Roro is still too painful to explore. So at one point he starts to gently hum whatever melody comes to his mind and your little ones don’t seem to mind at all to be softly lulled to sleep by hard rock or metal melodies.

The first few times you catch him doing so, he immediately stops, all flustered and maybe even a little ashamed. So you start to listen from the next room, which may be a little sneaky, but you can’t resist that beautiful sound of his voice, gently floating through your flat like a soothing and nourishing balm for everything that is hurting in your mind and heart and soul.

One night, though, when the both of you are particularly exhausted and your son won’t stop crying, no matter how hard you try to soothe him, and you are fighting to get up again, Marc softly tells you to go back to sleep, even though he is hardly able to keep himself up on his own two feet himself. A few minutes later you find them on the coach, your little son curled up on Marc’s chest, his little fingers buried into the fabric of his dad’s shirt, slumbering peacefully as Marc keeps gently humming what happens to be your very favourite song. When he doesn’t stop upon noticing you standing in the doorway, you tiptoe over to them, carefully smooth a stray curl from his face and place a soft kiss to his forehead before whispering, “You’ve got a lovely voice, sweetie. May I join you?” Probably too tired to protest, he just smiles and nods, reaching out his arm for you to invite you to snuggle up to him. 

So now, whenever you are the one who can’t sleep or you are just yearning for a little peace of mind, you ask Marc whether he could hum a little tune for you with that beautifully soothing voice of his. And he is always happy to hold you tight while softly lulling you to sleep.

- Marc prefers structured baby carriers to buggies and strollers. With his kids safely secured to him, it’s so much easier to keep his hands free for fighting off villains and potential kidnapping attempts. Even while constantly scanning your surroundings, he keeps checking on your kids every few seconds, making sure that they are still comfortable and their head doesn’t loll into a weird position. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to the warm feeling that caresses your heart whenever you see his eyes soften as he looks down at your children in complete awe, the little wonder so close to his heart.

- Marc never leaves your little ones to cry on their own. Especially after you have reassured him that it is literally impossible to love and comfort a baby too much.

As soon as he hears the tiniest of sobs in the next room, he needs to check on them. Always careful, never overwhelming them with his protective yet calm manners, but always there in case they might need him. And your little ones know that he’ll be their safe haven as soon as they reach out their little arms for him.

Now and then he has to stifle a sob over how trusting your children are towards him. And even though you always notice, he usually acts as if it was nothing. But he’ll still allow you to pull him into a hug and melts into you as you gently stroke over his hair, placing a loving and knowing kiss on top of his head.

With every reassuring word from you, the raging screams of his mother in his mind are fading a little more and every time that his kids are reaching out for him with nothing but endless trust in their eyes, another wound in his heart begins to heal.

- Marc doesn’t let loose easily. Even though his frown is turned upside down a lot more frequently ever since your children came into your life, it still takes a lot for him to let down his guard. So you are more than a little surprised when you come home during your kids’ very first mummy wrap game that quickly turned into a full blown toilet paper battle and it’s actually Marc fronting and laughing until is beautiful eye crinkles are sprinkled with tears of happiness.

Instead of stern looks or even screams reprimanding him, he is met with the delighted squeals and giggles of his children, which are soon accompanied by your wonderful laughter. So he doesn’t stop until every piece of toilet paper is destroyed and you are all lying on the floor cuddled together for official peace talks. The moment that he properly takes in the mess and the first signs of guilt start to creep up on his face, you pull him closer and cover his face in soft little kisses so that those nasty feelings immediately surrender and retreat to where they came from.  

- We know that Marc is the most ticklish one of your boys and he loves to draw those little giggles from your kids after finding out that gently tickling them is such a lovely way to make them smile again, whenever they seem close to crying (though he always goes through his little checklist to make sure that everything else is okay, first).

That is, until your kids become a little older and Jake sneakily teaches them how to tickle back. Your beloved cosy morning cuddle sessions with Marc and your little ones quickly turn into absolute mayhem after that.

- Marc has a hard time saying no to his children, unless there’s an immediate threat to their safety (and even then it breaks his heart to see their disappointed faces). Sometimes you come home to find him covered from head to toe in finger paint as your kids are discovering their artistic talents. Sometimes you find him with a hundred little tails and bows in his hair. And sometimes you just have to rescue him after being tied to a chair for hours.

- Marc used to love the original Star Wars trilogy when he was a kid. In fact, those were probably the only movies that came even close to rivalling his love for Tomb Buster. And despite all the pain that comes with remembering how he used to watch them with his little brother, re-discovering that universe with your children gives him a chance to balance those painful memories with more happy ones.

When your little family sits down in front of the tv to watch The Force Awakens for the very first time together, it doesn’t take long for your kids’ eyes to grow larger than the moon. As a certain dashingly handsome and brave flyboy appears on the screen, your son’s eyes dart to his dad. And he looks back at the screen. And he looks at his dad. And he looks back at the screen. And he looks at his dad. And he looks back at the screen. And he looks at his dad. And then he lowers his voice, whispering conspiratorially, “Dad, are you… are you a hero in disguise on a secret undercover mission?”

As you involuntarily snort into your tea, your daughter explains matter-of-factly, “Of course he’s a hero, dummy. That’s why there are never any monsters under our bed. Have you seen the size of the spider he caught in the kitchen yesterday?”

Needless to say who Marc has to disguise as for Halloween for the next couple of years. And your kids are very persistent in their opinion of believing that of all the boys, Marc is the one that resembles Poe the most. Even more so when you’re able to convince him to grow those poe-tic mini sideburns (which only takes, like, two days).

And after an exciting evening of guising (or trick-or-treating), he turns into an X-wing and carries his little rebels safely back home. 

- Marc gives the warmest, most comforting and reassuring hugs imaginable. And your children never completely outgrow their longing for being welcomed by his open arms. Whether they just need a shoulder to cry on or a moment of really basking in the warmth of feeling unconditionally loved and cared for, completely safe as if nothing in the universe could ever hurt them.

His hugs were really born from his endless need to protect and comfort his children, while at the same time being convinced that anything he might say would only make things worse. So he had just hoped that your children would be able to feel at least a fraction of the love and care that he put into each of his hugs.

When your daughter gets her heart broken by a boy for the very first time and you aren’t home yet, he sits with her for hours, desperately trying to ignore all the things that he would like to do to that bastard. Just holding her close to his heart, gently stroking up and down her back. Answering each of her sobs with a soft kiss to her temple. Hugging her a little tighter whenever a new wave of tears begins to fall.  

When her sobs begin to subside, she looks up at him, smiling through her tears, and gives him a heart-felt kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you, Dad!”

“What for, Sweetie?”

“For… well... you never try to talk me out of my shitty feelings. You just accept them and me, and… and… and are just there for me. And… I love you, Dad!”

Now it’s Marc that needs a hug. All this time he has thought that nothing he could try would ever be good enough. And now it looks like the parts of him that make him feel like failing his children the most are actually exactly what they seem to have needed all along.

He gets that hug and so much more when you find him on the couch that night, after having a long comforting session with your daughter yourself. And it seems like you know exactly what’s going through his mind. Somehow, you always know.

Wrapping your arms around him from behind, you slowly let your hands wander down his arms until your chin comes to rest on his shoulder and you can intertwine your hands with his.

“You’re a wonderful dad, Marc.”

“Yeah… because of Steven and Jake and you.”

“And you!” You gently cup his cheek and guide his head to make him look at you.

“Your children love you, Marc. We love you!”

Before his first sob can really break to the surface, you catch it with your wonderfully warm lips. Your own tears are threatening to fall when you can feel how easily he melts into your embrace. How readily he buries his face in the crook of your neck as if it was the most natural place for him to rest his head. How he completely trusts you to hold him and everything that he is carrying in his heart.

How so much of his pain and despair has turned into trust and love.

And maybe. Maybe it really is going to be okay.