#i am once again crying over these fictional boys

[chokech3rry]

imagine, if you will, a teenage Bo who finds himself in possession of a camera. maybe it was a Christmas present from a distant relative. maybe he swiped it from a fellow student, or out of the front seat of a car he was supposed to be detailing. he's not sure why he took it. he just takes things, it's no big deal.

Vinny doesn't want it. he doesn't want anything to do with Bo's moral failings. he becomes more like his mama every day, really perfecting that judgmental fucking stare. so Bo keeps the thing for himself. pops it open, takes a look at the inner workings. pulls a couple pieces out, realizes it's more complex than he would've thought.

he finally takes a look through the viewfinder. and there's something about that, isn't there? things look different. I mean, they look the same, but...different. more real, somehow. his scuffed sneakers on the floor. his pocketknife bumped up against his zippo on the dresser. the door that stands between him and the rest of the house.

he hesitates, hops off the bed and goes to the mirror. points it at himself, but of course, when he looks all he can see is the camera. the wide, blank, all-seeing eye of the lens has replaced that face that gets him in all kinds of trouble. he kind of likes it, the way he's there and not there. the way he can see everything but you can't see him.

so he takes pictures now. he doesn't show anyone, although once or twice he gets the urge to show Vincent. to say "look, man. that's art, isn't it? even though I did it, just pushed a button. feels like art, right?" but he doesn't. Vincent gets more like Mama every day. Bo tucks the pictures on the floor behind his nightstand, a hiding place even his twin doesn't know. at least until there are too many to fit back there, and then he has to find a box for them.

he keeps that box close to his bed, though. he pulls the photos out and flips through them on nights he can't sleep. he thinks about the world inside them, how it looks the same as this one but feels different. feels better.

he's got a favorite. looks at it almost every night. he'd hang it up, probably, if he could. it's nothing remarkable, just the view from his bedroom window a step before twilight. the stars aren't quite visible yet, but the moon is. it's only a sliver, thin and white like a fingernail. the trees against the sky are dark and quiet. the phone lines sag above the street.

that's home, he always thinks, and he's not quite sure what he means. but that's home, that view, more than the house. more than his room, more than the town.

when he goes to sleep, he sees the moon behind his eyes.

[sturniqlo]

Drunken Mistake- C.S

summary: frat boy!chris and nerd!y/n have been dating for over a year and thier relationship has had many bumps and he does something unforgivable.

cw: cursing, toxic relationship, ANGST; mentions of bullying, crying, arguing, cheating, break up, rejection

an: wonderful idea by the one and only @monroesturnns | ps. i do not condone cheating! remember this is pure fiction!!

masterlist | join my taglist

-----------------------------------------------

"god, i wish that you had thought this through, before i went and fell in love with you."- traitor, o.r

-

-

"Come on, baby." Chris kissed down Y/n's neck as she was writing down some notes. "Just this one party, you haven't been to one of my frat parties in over two months." He continued his trail up to her jaw and eventually landed on her lips. "Chris, you know I don't like parties. I need to finish my notes for my exam. I'll go to the next one, okay?"

"That's what you said two weeks ago! It's the next time! Let's- just stop studying for once and go to this fucking party!" He raises his voice and Y/n sensed an argument boiling. "Watch your tone! You know how important school is to me, my parents sent me here to study! Not to get sucked into the partying lifestyle, that's not me!"

"Yeah, yeah, your parents this tuition that, you're like some fucking nerd! Let loose for once. Fuck!" He gets off of her. "Fuck you! Partying shouldn't be your top priority, Chris. Just stay in for once, miss one little party and study! I haven't seen you open your book in two weeks. Am I going to have to make space in my schedule and tutor you again?"

Before Y/n and Chris got together. They weren't very fond of each other. But, Chris was too busy partying and he was failing his classes. He was on the verge of being kicked out of his fraternity. Somehow Chris got kicked out of living in the frat house- but he was still apart of it- so he moved in with his two brothers. Chris wasn't doing anything about his failing grades so his brothers took care of it.

Their childhood friend, Y/n, was a very smart girl. Nick mentioned it to her when they hung out and she was hesitant at first. But when she realized Nick was concerned for Chris' grades, she agreed. The relationship between Chris and Y/n was rocky at first. It hadn't always been like that. Before high school, they were stuck to the hip but once junior year came along, Y/n started getting bullied by one of the popular girls and guess who ended up dating her? Chris.

Chris had known about this but still chose to date his friends bully. Y/n slowly started distancing herself from Chris. Fast forward four years, she was tutoring him and a couple of months later they eventually started dating.

"God! Are you ever going to let that go? You always bring it up in every fucking argument. Just come to this party!" She shakes her head. "No, whenever I go you always end up with your friends in the corner leaving me alone in a room full of people I don't know! No, is my final answer." Chris grew even more aggravated. "Fine, I'll go alone." He walks towards the bedroom door and opens it. "Just know, you aren't the only girl in my life."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" She said, her anxiety rising. "Exactly as it sounds like." With that, he slammed the door behind him and left. Y/n stayed there, sitting on his bed while he went to the stupid party.

"Where you going?" Matt asks as he sees Chris head for the front door. "A party." He says. "You're going to a party while Y/n is over?" He said. Matt has seen Chris do this a couple of times but he's never asked about it. "Yeah, so what? If she doesn't want to go why should I have to miss it?"

"It's a bit rude. You know? She's here, in your room while you're at a party." Chris scoffs at Matt's words. "Look, I don't need a lecture from you too. Let me live my life, if she doesn't want to go it's up to her that she wants to stay and read her fuckass books." He repeats what he did just a couple of minutes ago. He opens the door and slams it behind him.

Matt goes down the small set of stairs and knocks of Chris' door where Y/n is on the other side of. "Come in." He hears her say. "Hey, it's me. You okay down here?" Her eyes are glossed over and her face has tear marks. "I'm okay. I- you know how Chris is with his parties." She chuckles sadly. "I just wish he would put his school work first sometimes. I mean, he's paying all of this money to just party."

"Why don't you try to talk to him about it?" He says. "I have! All he say is that I should put my work aside and stop being a nerd." Matt shakes his head. Chris has always teased her about focusing on her work.

"Can I ask you something?" She says. "Go ahead." He says nodding. "Has Chris ever- I don't know- has he ever mentioned someone else?" He furrows his eyebrows. "Like, another girl?" She nods. "No, no, if he did you know I would tell you. Why do you ask? You think he's seeing someone else, or?"

"No?" She questions. "He just said something before he left and it had me thinking."

"I'm sure he just said it out of anger. I doubt he'd ever do that to you."

Later that night, around two in the morning, Chris came in stumbling. "Bro, you're drunk as shit." Matt scolded him, helping him down the stairs. "No I'm not." He giggled. "How'd you even get home? You better have not driven." Chris shakes his head. "I walked it. I saw sixty three- no! Sixty eight trees."

Chris opens the door and sees Y/n sleeping. "Okay, you can let me go now." Chris pulls away from Matt and pushes him out the room. "Okay, goodn-" He slams the door, causing Y/n to wake up. "Chris? What are you doing." She whispers. "Look at you, not studying for once. Not being a nerd right now?" He laughs. Y/n rolls her eyes. "I don't have time for this right now." She sighed and gets out of the bed and grabs her phone.

"Babe, I'm only kidding." He grabs her arm as she reaches for the doorknob. "Chris, stop. We'll talk in the morning."

Y/n stirs awake from the constant vibration of her phone. Stretching from her spot on the couch where she slept last night after Chris came back. She grabbed her phone and saw that she had many texts from her friends, even from people she hasn't really spoke to.

Still half asleep, she clicks on a message from a girl in her tuesday class. Furrowing her eyebrows at the message she replies back.

y/n

what's going on?

hailey

*video attachment*

The video started out as a girl posing for pictures. "Yes! Now pose like- oh my god?" The girl recording pointed to two people. "What is it?" She girl posing said and stopped posing. "Isn't that Chris Sturniolo over there?" The girl recording put the phone down but another girl spoke. "No, don't stop recording! Get this, he has a fucking girlfriend. And that isn't her." The camera pans up and Chris comes into view, but he's kissing a girl. Y/n gasps and her heart drops. This was from last night.

"What the hell!" Y/n's voice shakes and she sits up in shock. She continues watching the video. The camera girl zooms in on them. "What a fucking loser, like actually." The two of them continue kissing and Y/n has had enough and shuts her phone off.

Her tears start streaming down her face. How could he? Yeah they were a bit toxic but she never thought Chris would cheat on her. She gets up from her spot in her couch and runs down to Chris' room. Barging in she immediately starts yelling. "Chris, wake the fuck up!" Chris jumps up from his bed. "Is someone dying? What the fuck. My head is pounding." His eyes adjust to the bright lights.

"How could you Chris? Really? How fucking could you?" She cried. "What happened, babe?" He gets up and goes to hug her. "No! Don't fucking touch me! You cheated on me! You- you fucking asshole!" Chris' face went pale. "I- uh- what?!" He stutters over his words. "You don't have shit on me." He shakes his head.

"Don't act stupid! I saw a video of you making out with a girl last night! I don't understand, did you do it out of anger because I didn't go to a fucking party? Or have you been doing this our whole relationship. I- I should've listened to my friends, I can't believe I loved you." Her tears haven't stopped falling down. "Y/n, hear me out." He says hesitantly. "No! How could you explain that. You betrayed me, Chris!"

"I- we're done, Chris. I don't ever want to hear from you again. I've given you so many chances, Chris. So many- but this, I can't forgive you for it." She pauses before she continues on. "Maybe she'll go to all of your frat parties and not stay home like the nerd that I am. I really can't believe you've went this far. Goodbye Chris." She wipes her tears with her sleeve and turns around to leave the room.

"Y/n.." He starts off, but nothing else's comes out.

"Hey, hey, hey, what happened?" Matt gets up from the table when he sees Y/n come up the stairs crying. He had heard them arguing but it was muffled so he decided to go out in case things escalated. He knew they had been a bit tense since last night. "I- ask Chris. I can't- I can't be here right now, I'm sorry." Her voice cracks and she grabs her bag. "I'll see you around." She says before leaving their home.

For the next couple of days, Chris spent them in his room. Napping, watching his and Y/n's favorite show and youtube videos. He sent her many messages and called her many times. They were all ignored. Chris didn't blame her, he fucked up. He didn't know why he did what he did. He was drunk and angry.

Nick and Matt were furious at him. For one, Chris cheated on her. And two, they probably lost one of their childhood friends who was always there for them. Nick and Matt would text her but she would either send and bland response or not answer at all. They just wanted their friend back.

"Where're you going?" Nick says coldly when he sees his brother come up the stairs. "To Y/n's apartment." Nick furrows his eyebrows. "You talked to her?" He shakes his head. "Then why the hell are you going over there? Is her ignoring your calls and messages not ringing a bell? She doesn't want to talk to you. What makes you think she'd want to see you?"

"I just- I want to apologize and try to get her back. I miss her." He rubs his face with his hands. "Not to sound like a dick or anything, but she's not going to take you back. You fucking cheated on her! And dare I say it, with your ex fucking girlfriend who bullied her, Chris. You're delusional if you think you're getting her back. And thanks to you, she barely even talks to me or Matt. Do you not realize that not only did you ruin your relationship with her, you ruined mine and Matt's relationship with her. But go ahead and try to talk to her." Nicks hand comes down on the table as he gets up from his seat and walks towards his set of stairs.

"I still can't believe you would hurt her like that."

Chris sighed and slumped on a chair. A couple of minutes later, he got up and walked out of the house.

He walked up the stairs of her apartment building hallway and made his way to her door. Luckily he had remembered the code to get in the building. His first comes up and knocks. After a couple of seconds he hears her unlocking the door. "Iris you're here earl- what are you doing here?" Her face drops when she sees that her friend isn't at the door. "Y/n I want to apologize. I want you back, please." He begs.

"No, Chris. I can't put myself through that again. Do you know how much that hurt me? All because I didn't want to go to a party, Chris. A fucking party! I can't be with someone who cheats when I don't want to do something." She spoke loudly. "Y/n, baby, I promise I won't hurt you ever again. I promise." He begged her. "Please." His voice quivered.

She hated seeing him like this. But, for once, she decided to put herself first. "No, Chris. I- I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you anymore." His eyes welled up with tears. "Y/n." He spoke in desperation. "Y/n, please," She shook her head. "Go, Chris." She whispered.

"Don't make this harder than it should be."

[femreader]

♯┆love wears designer .ᐟ smau

summary: stockholm based designer, a model and a f1 driver

pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem!designer!reader x alexandra stmleux

warnings: homophobic comment, usual media

dont repost/translate my work on other platforms, everything is fiction and correlations to people and/or places are purely coincidental (slay enjoy)

author: i am so new in f1 world so please correct me if stuff is wrong ily hope you enjoy

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

INSTAGRAM STORY

y/n.official posted a story

yourbff: design me something I beg

y/n.official: always for you babes 💋

user1: new collab when?

user2: i need new thingggss i beg

user3: i will sell my kidney for a bag

INSTAGRAM

y/n.official leisure pleasure (and some work)

liked by sydney.sweeny, yourbff, voguestockholm and others

comments

user1: mother is mothering

user2: i miss her lover era the things we got

user3: i dont those ex-guys can choke

yourbff: pretty as always

y/n.official: älsklingggg 😭

sydney.sweeny: i miss you

y/n.official: next month. you and me and drinks

alexandrasaintmleux: beautiful <3

liked by y/n.official

user4: overrated jesus christ

user5: move along bitchy boi

user6: foaming at the mouth

user7: omg i cant believe i got to meet you

user8: i am going to be so calm when I ask WHATTTT

user7: i was on vacay in Stockholm and saw her at a cafe she was the sweetest omg

user7: i was like ’i’m so sorry to interrupt’ she just put everything down and gave me all her attention for the whole time and I almost died

y/n.official: you were so sweet 🤍

user8: peoples princess 😭😭

bill.skarsgård: the whole family misses you

y/n.official: missing you guys more ❤️

user9: very demure very mindful

y/n.official: i dont know what this means 😭😭😭

more comments

MESSENGER

INSTAGRAM

alexandrasaintmleux: beautiful weather and beautiful people. Biggest thanks to y/n.official for saving me from a total wardrobe malfucntion!! <3

liked by y/n.official, scuderiaferrari, charlesleclerc and others

comments

user1: god has favorites 😫

user2: 💚💚💚

user3: that's?? a vault piece??👀

user4: THANKYOU! I thought i was going crazy

user3: since when has y/n give stuff from the vault i need them

user5: money talkssss....

user6: yea or she just wanted to impress rich people

user7: she's alrady one of the most succesful designers of her generation, it’s not like there’s a lot she has to do to impress anyone😒 stay mad

y/n.official: you look beautiful älsklinggg, i had the best time altercating this to your preferances 💕

alexandrasaintmleux: come by again when youre in monaco, charles is jealous he didnt get anything

charlesleclerc: ALL I'M SAYING I'D LIKE TO GET CUSTOM Y/N BAG

y/n.official: deep breaths, i'll see what i can do 😗

liked by charlesleclerc, alexandrasaintmleux

user8: and all I'm saying charles deffo could jsut order one online instead of mentioning it under y/n's comments....

charlesleclerc: always so beautiful mon ange ❤️

alexandrasaintmleux: ❤️❤️❤️

more comments

INSTAGRAM

y/n.official: nordic f1 track whenn? Thank you scuderiaferrari for having me over, I'll design you new helmets anytime <3

liked by yourbff, scuderiaferrari, alexandrasaintmleux and others

comments

yourbff: nvm me just crying in my toyota odyssey

y/n.official: girl youre sitting on my couch eating my ice cream

user1: omg are two of my lives colliding?

use2: älskar dig så mycket ääääää

scuderiaferrari: pleasure having you, please design the next helmet so carlos and charles can stop pestering us

y/n.official: copy that 🫡

alexandrasaintmleux: so lovely to see you again

y/n.official: you too babes! we need to go get drinks again

charlesleclerc: what about meee

y/n.official: fine. you can join i suppose.

charlesleclerc: I suppos- I WON ???

user3: ...."again?"

user4: im telling yall but none of you are ready

user5: ily y/n!

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TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

y/n.official: tack så mycket stockholm, once again. It’s always an honor to be part of your pride. LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE

liked by yourbff, alexandrasaintmleux, omarrudberg and others

yourbff: love is love and everyone thinking otherwise can fuck off

liked by y/n.official

omarrudberg: <3

liked by y/n.official

alexandrasaintmleux: beautyyy

charlesleclerc: waiting for that bag

alexandrasaintmleux: timeout, phone down

charlesleclerc: ....sorry 😔

charlesleclerc: y/n.official you look beautiful cheri <3

liked by y/n.official

user1: charles is so under their feet lmao

user2: or down bad

user3: both

liked by carlossainz and pierregassly

user4: 👀👀

INSTAGRAM

charlesleclerc: Quick get-away between races

liked by scuderiaferrari, alexandrasaintmleux, y/n.official and others

user1: omg travel leo

user2: THAT'S GAMLA STAN THAT'S STOCKHOLM HOLD ON

user3: lmao you sure?

user2: lmao yea, i live in the damn neighborhood 🙄

user4: just saying y/n.official is based there and was for a fact there too just now for stockholm pride

y/n.official: told yall would love fika-ing 🤭

y/n.official: cuties

liked by charlesleclerc and alexandrasaintmleux

alexandrasaintmleux: beautiful baby boys

y/n.official: and an angel i see 👀

alexandrasaintmleux: stop trying to make me blush

y/n.official: but it's so adorable

charlesleclerc: then there's two of you

user5: ?????

user6: ahsgfs oh my god they’re flirting on main

user7: idk if i saw them but i think i saw leo looking dog in the kungsträdgarden

user8: i need my poly girl y/n happy again pls 😭😭

user9: yall people can be just friends 🙄

MESSENGER

MESSENGER

INSTAGRAM STORY

y/n.offical posted a story

yourbff: are you in monaco and didnt tell me

user1: stop trying to convert normal people

user2: mmmmhhmmm i see

yourbff: do not leave me on read bitch (affectionately)

y/n.official: teehee mind your biz (affectionately)

y/n.official: yea i am

yourbff: i want invites to the wedding

yourbff: i also coin coming up with chalexyn

INSTAGRAM

USweekly: Stockholm based designer Y/N Y/L/N's upcoming winter collection attracted full house to the fashion show held in Stockholm. Designer herself could be seen with fresh new hair reigning in the show, hardly showing attention to the guests. Recent speculations between the designer, Formula One driver Charles Leclerc and his girlfriend Alexandra Saint Mleux have kindered, although none have been confirmed or denied.

liked by user1, user2, user3 and others

user1: jesus christ let woman work

user2: ikr it's not like she has a whole ass fashion show to co-ordinate

user3: i love how sydney is always where y/n.official's shows are

user4: sydney's said many times she loves her brand because Y/N allows altercations to pieces it's so cute

user5: can i now freak out that charles and alex where there too

user6: yea but they hardly interacted with y/n

user7: you dont exactly stand around when your brand is having a fashion show bruh

more comments

INSTAGRAM

y/n.official:

i love you my team, my incredibly talented models, my friends and family who have been a continious support in making this winter's collection. My biggest and heartfelt thank you's go to you and my incredible fanfollowing who never cease to amaze me with your love, support and concern.

I love my job. I am grateful for what I have and proud how I have gotten here. Each piece is the work of hours and hours of love, dedication and passion from multiple people. They stand for uniquity amongst people, courage to be yourself and love all around us. Every collection we've made is special to me, but this one just a clip above the rest.

Therefore, me and my team proudly present Y/N design's Winter collection 2024:

Love wears Designer.

liked by charleslecler, alexandrasaintmleux, yourbff and others

yourbff: so incredibly proud of you, min favorit tjej <3

user1: all i do is cry on this app 😩😩😩😩

user2: y/n can stomp on me, skin me alive, sew a dress from my skin, wear it and reuse my teeth are accesories and i'd thank her🫵🏼

charlesleclerc: always so proud of you mon cheri <3

y/n.official: thank you min skatt

alexandrasaintmleux: my best girl, congratulations for this. So so proud.

y/n.official: thank you both for supporting me every step of the way <3

user3: their comments!!?? 😭🤍

user4: this was not just a launch. IT WAS HARD LAUNCH. im telling yall

sydney.sweeny: loved the show, loved the pieces, i am so proud of you as always!

liked by y/n.official

more comments

INSTAGRAM

y/n.official: my muses ❤️ charlesleclerc, alexandrasaintmleux

liked by charleslecler, alexandrasaintmleux, yourbff and others

alexandrasaintmleux: thank you for all you've given us. We love you, our incredible skcetcher

liked by y/n.official, charlesleclerc

charlesleclerc: I love you my girls

liked by y/n.official, alexandrasaintmleux

y/n.official: you two are making me cry. Jag älskar er så mycket. Thank you ❤️

yourbff: fuuuuuucking finally

yourbff: happy for you all 🤍

liked by y/n.official

charlesleclerc: still waiting on that bag

y/n.official: check your backseat 😇

charlesleclerc: both of you get back from the brunch. right now.

comments are restricted

author: teehee im dabbling in smau’s in hibernation

[srjlvr]

,, 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MY EX ’’

JUST when you thought your life couldn’t get any worse after your biggest break up of the year, someone posted your (very) much hateful list about your ex.

PAIRING. Ex!jake X Ex-fem!Reader

GENRE. fluff(look at me putting this first in genre) , angst , exes to lovers.

WARNINGS. y/n is kind of a bitch towards jake ig, jake is a big big player, lots of miscommunications, also very much not proofread!! i shall add more if i missed something!

WORD-COUNT. 7.8k+

NOTE. there we go again with this story cover, im outta here, graphics and me are not friends UGH i gotta start paying for someone to actually do this for me smh. anyways!! everything here is FICTIONAL!! i do NOT see jake nor any of the characters like that in any way!! if you don’t like it—youre very welcomed to skip!!

you thought you had your brightest future in your hands.

being an ace student, scoring A+ in all of your tests and winning the teacher’s favoritism, all of that while also being the most popular cheerleader of your school.

you’re literally living everyone’s dream, not only being a popular student, but also dating the most popular student who also happened to be your highschool’s basketball team leader, jake sim.

girls swoon for him, beg him to notice them, even go as far as to send him gifts that costs probably more than their own house, but no, his eyes search for one person and one person only, and that’d be you.

“i’m sorry, i can’t continue all of this”

“this? what do you mean—“

“i mean us, this relationship, i don’t think it’s going to work anymore”

“oh”

“that’s all you got to say?”

“do you expect me to cry and get on my knees, begging you to regret this?”

“what?”

“speechless now, are we? i’ve been waiting for this day”

denial was your best friend, and you might’ve realized it a bit too late.

you were hurt, fuck you wanted to break down and cry. but he doesn’t deserve to see that.

you ignored so many red flags in your relationship, you were lovesick and pathetic, all for him, it broke you apart. but you do not want to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

“y/n…”

“i don’t want to hear it jake, i’m actually glad you took this step”

you’re not glad at all, you do love him.

“i wish you the best” he said quietly and left.

this whole relationship felt like a mistake for the both of you, it was toxic, too toxic.

like those you see on TV shows where the popular girl and guy just date for fame and nothing more, yeah, just like that.

but you loved each other, you really did. communication was your biggest enemy, and that’s what lead to this whole toxic relationship mess.

“what a fucking asshole! it hasn’t even been a month and he’s already all over the girls! pathetic”

“yeji!”

your best friend rolled her eyes, “am i wrong? he was always a player”

you shook your head.

she wasn’t totally wrong, even before you started dating he used to hold a different girl in his hands every other day.

big player indeed.

you on the other hand, no matter how popular you were, you stayed reserved. many boys tried their luck, but it was no use.

though being reserved, you didn’t mind the looks the other boys gave you, and took every chance you had to show yourself off.

therefore it was so surprising to everyone that you and jake started dating.

the biggest player and the reserved popular girl, dating? this had to be a joke.

the truth is that jake had been keeping his eyes on you for long, and he knew that he has to hold you in his arms and show you that a player like him can actually love.

at first it took him time to break down your walls, but he did his best to assure you that he’ll never let anything bad happen to you.

that was….well, until he decided to break things off.

“yeah, he was, once a player, always a player” you agreed with her, glancing at jake and rolling your eyes when noticing that the girl he was flirting with is having too much fun.

“let’s just go, i’m tired of watching those clowns” you sighed and walked away.

“y/n! i’m sorry you had to witness….well—“

“it’s okay sunghoon, really”

before you and yeji could walk too far, sunghoon stopped you.

sunghoon is jake’s best friend, you and him weren’t the best at making conversation while you and jake were still together, but when you broke up, something changed between the two of you.

“don’t mind him, he can be a total asshole sometimes”

“sometimes?” yeji chuckled and sunghoon nervously scratched his nape.

“thank you sunghoon, i’m fine though” you gave him a weak smile and walked away.

“well if there’s one thing that’s good about jake is that his best friend is smoking hot and totally into you!!” yeji clapped her hands.

you rolled your eyes in disbelief, “yeji i don’t think you get it, he’s just being nice because he feels bad about his best friend acting like a dickhead”

“oh y/n, i can read face expressions, he’d definitely ask you out if only things weren’t so difficult”

“don’t push it!”

“that’s the ONLY good thing about jake though, i feel bad for that walking red flag, he’s so bad at keeping his relationships”

“i should make a list of things that i hate about him and send it to every girl in school so they’d know they need to run away from him!” you joked.

“i’d definitely help you, i’m sure as hell that it’ll make his ugly face vanish” she was joking as well.

you both were joking, you knew it very well.

so how the hell did you find yourself sitting in your room desk, writing a list about the things you hate about your ex?

“one, he’s smoking hot, his visuals can mess up your mind” you’re writing everything down as you’re saying them out loud.

complimenting him on your first point? way to go girl!

“two, he’s a big fat player, once your date is over he’s already probably running to find his next” you rolled your eyes to this one.

not even a month passed and he’s already flirting with others? what a loser!

“three, so full of himself! it actually hurts to see a person who loves himself so much he could probably die!”

that one time he wouldn’t stop talking about how many girls asked him out in one night? yickes!

“four, so toxic and possessive! don’t want you around any guy while he walks around and talks with any girl he sees”

when he got jealous that you spoke with your childhood friend about the most random thing ever? disgusting!

“five, puts milk before cereal, i don’t even need to explain!”

a walking red flag or what?

after finishing the rest five points you had to make, you decided to call it a night and drifted away to dreamland.

“psst”

“hm?”

“i know we were joking about the hateful list yesterday, but i actually made it”

“what?!”

you put your hand over yeji’s mouth and giggled.

“it just felt so good! i feel so relieved now! i don’t even want to post it, but it just felt so right to just let everything out”

“so proud of you, girl! finally let it go and move on!!” she pat your shoulder and then proceeded to hug you.

“where did you hide that list?” she raised her brow.

“i just brought it with me today, i put it in my locker and i’ll probably burn it by the end of the day, i just wanted to show it to you first before i do it”

“now that’s my girl!”

yeji is the bestest friend you could’ve ever asked for. she was always there for you.

ever since you were little you were stuck like a glue, you had each other’s backs and you were more than thankful to have her in your life.

“hey y/n! i was just wondering, do you perhaps have notes for the last maths class? i missed it because of practice and i’d really like some help” sunghoon showed up with a grin.

“sure, they’re in my locker, i’ll bring it to you” you nodded and he shook his head.

“i’ll come with you”

“oh? okay”

he followed you to your locker and waited for you to give him the notes.

“what’s in this paper?” he asked as he looked at the very cute designed paper.

“oh? that’s nothing really” you shrugged it off and quickly closed your locker, “bring them back to me when you finish”

“i will, thank you!” he said and walked away.

you opened your locker again to take out the paper, you sighed heavily and shoved it into your bag.

“six, he can’t keep his promises! if he’ll ever tell you he’ll play some video games with you, don’t believe it!!” yeji read it out loud and laughed.

you laughed with her, suddenly finding this list so funny.

“seven, his puppy eyes are definitely misleading! he’s a one manipulative bitch and he won’t be afraid to use his cute puppy eyes!” she rolled her eyes, “is that a good or a bad thing?”

“bad thing obviously! it’s literally written there that he’s manipulative!”

“girls love puppy eyes! you should know that!” she preached and you rolled your eyes.

you spent the rest of your lunch break giggling and laughing about this stupid list.

“i’m returning this to my locker, i’ll burn it after practice today” you told her and she nodded.

“i need proof of that, video call me when you do it!” she said and sent you off to practice.

arriving at the field, you found your friends and practice started.

“hey, y/n!” as you were packing everything in your bag and exiting the dressing room, sunghoon, who was already there waiting for you called you.

“hey, you” you grinned.

“will you let me do the honor and walk you home today?” he asked ever so nicely.

“sure!” you smiled and began to walk with him, completely forgetting about the paper you had to burn.

“i can’t believe you forgot the paper in your locker! what if someone steals it?” yeji complained over the phone right after you texted her that you forgot about it.

“yeji! no one knows it’s there except you! it’s not ‘to all the boys i’ve loved before’ story! you can calm down” you sighed.

you were right though, who knows this locker holds up something that can completely ruin not only yours but also your ex’s image?

“i guess i’m gonna let this slide today, but i’m going to burn this paper with you tomorrow!”

“hm”

“how was your walk with sunghoon~?” she teased.

“it was cool, he’s such a cute guy, surprised that he’s still single honestly”

“i think we both know why”

“i’m gonna go sleep!” you changed the subject and before she could ask any more questions you hang up.

the next day you found yourself yet again a victim to yeji’s new gossips while trying to take out a few things from your locker.

“so as i was saying—are you even listening to me?” she looked at you while you looked at the mirror that was hanged in your locker and applied your lipstick on.

“hm? oh yeah”

“you’re a lost case”

“we’re gonna burn this paper today! and then i will finally be able to feel free from this relationship” you smiled, explaining to her that it was the only thing on your mind.

“you’re damn right! this hate list about jake is going to be burnt today!!”

“this hate list about who?”

you jumped hearing someone else’s voice behind you.

“oh! yena, didn’t see you here” you chuckled nervously.

“just here to tell you that coach said there’ll be another practice today, i came here privately because, you know, you’re too busy in other things to care” oh she’s a one of a kind bitch.

you gave her a sarcastic smile, “i already know that, but thank you”

she returned the fake smile and walked away.

“that was so close!”

“you should be more careful, this girl is just looking for something that’ll bring you down” yeji whispered and you nodded, “i guess you’re right, at least she didn’t really hear all of this”

school ended and so did your practice, yeji leaned on the wall next to your locker as you searched for the paper.

“i could’ve sworn i put it right there!!”

“y/n think!! maybe you put it in your bag?”

you handed her your bag for her to search it.

“oh! i found it! it was between those notebooks” you giggled, “but i could’ve sworn i put it under all of my books”

“at least you found it” she sighed and put her hand over your shoulder.

“let’s burn this bitch!”

looking at the little fire you made with yeji made you feel excited and mostly happy.

you let all your thoughts together with this paper to burn.

your relationship was toxic, but this time was the most beautiful time in your life.

you and jake really did love each other.

one time you were sitting together in the library, trying to study the new material your teacher gave you.

“what are you up to?” he asked.

“studying, that’s why we’re in the library” you smiled.

“that’s so boring!” he pout. you giggled and pecked his lips, “you can be on your phone or something until i finish”

“no” he shook his head, “i want to do something with you”

“jake—“

“let’s go! i’m taking you on a date!” he grabbed your hands and dragged you out.

you spent the rest of your day together, sharing a few snacks and joking around.

it was the perfect kdrama couple everyone dreams of.

you ended up sleeping at jake’s house that day, and he made sure you knew how much he loves you.

“i can see our future together,” he smiled and held your hands, “me, a famous basketball player and you, my pretty partner”

you were sitting right across him on his bed and raised a brow, “oh? so i get to do nothing?”

“i’ll make sure to work hard so you could rest and never work for your entire life” he hugged you and pecked your cheek.

“remember that promise, i’ll use that against you in the future” you joked.

“that means…..you too see a future for us?”

“of course”

he put his hand on your cheek and moved you closer to him, he kissed you so deeply you could feel his love to you was sincere.

that small flashback of this romantic moment made you smile, you really do miss him.

but a dark memory came right away, not leaving any place for the sweet memories to stay,

“oh so i didn’t pay attention for you for once and now you’re giving fuck eyes to my best friend?” he yelled.

“you’re such an idiot sometimes! sunghoon was actually kind enough to apologize on your behalf! you were basically embarrassing me in front of everyone!”

“so now sunghoon’s the hero? go to him then!”

“why are you so stup—“

“i don’t want to hear your complains, y/n!”

“oh really?—“

“yes! go away!”

thinking about those moments reminded you why you’re still here looking at the hateful list you made about him.

he was toxic, possessive, and full on narcissistic, it was so hard to love him sometimes.

yeji came up to hug you when she noticed a few tears streamed down your face.

“let it go now, you already proved yourself you don’t need him” she smiled and you nodded.

“let’s go home”

the next day felt a lot better than the others, the sun was shining brightly, birds were singing, a big smile was smeared all over your face and most importantly, you felt free.

“morning, y/n!”

“morning yeji! lunch is on me today”

“i look up to you so much, my queen” she faked a bow and you giggled.

the day is going to be amazing, and so are the other days! you’re so sure of it.

you decided to keep up with jake’s game and even started flirting with other guys, not even minding if your ex was watching or not.

usually you would, but not now, or never again.

“what’s your fucking problem?”

while talking to some guy you don’t even remember the name of, jake grabbed your wrist and stopped the conversation.

“what do you mean—“

“i mean flirting with him, he’s supposed to practice—“

“you don’t return from break for the next ten minutes, i can talk with him in the meantime” you rolled your eyes.

“coach said—“

“don’t make up things now and don’t act like you care, we’re already over”

“y/n—“

“don’t play this game with me now jake, you can return to your fangirls and leave us alone” you scoffed and released his hold on your wrist.

he rolled his eyes in annoyance and walked away.

“did you see the way he looked at you? i bet you my whole money that he still loves you” yeji sounded as annoyed as he was.

“be ready to go bankrupt because there’s no chance”

“this asshole thinks you’re still in a relationship, he’s sooooo pathetic!”

“yeji, let’s stop talking about him” you groaned and she nodded.

you were in a really good mood today but he totally just ruined it.

the next few days went by so fast, you felt happier by each day that comes by, and nothing could ruin your mood.

that was until today’s morning.

as soon as you stepped your foot in the school’s hallway, people started gossiping.

“y/n! about point five, does he really put his milk before cereal? that’s disgusting!” a random student just popped up and asked you that question straightforwardly.

“huh?”

a few more students gathered around you and you couldn’t even understand a bit of what they were saying.

“excuse me! coming through!” yeji yelled and pushed everyone aside.

when she noticed you in the middle of the circle, she grabbed your hand and dragged you away.

“are you crazy? why would you post the list?!” she asked frustratedly.

“what list?”

“don’t play dumb!”

“no i’m really serious, what are you talking about?”

she glanced up at you and showed you her phone.

“no way!” you gasped.

someone posted your list!

“yes way! are you that stupid?”

“yeji that wasn’t me! i would never do something so dumb!” you reasoned yourself.

right, why would you even post this if you knew it was going to ruin your reputation?

she sighed and walked back and forth.

“it wasn’t me either!” she said almost instantly.

“yeji, you’re the only one who knows about this list” you said suspectedly.

“y/n, do you really think i’d post this? after shit-talking about him and threatening to kill him multiple times?” she looked genuinely hurt.

you know her ever since you know yourself, she wouldn’t do such a thing.

“you’re right” you sighed.

“so,” she spoke, “who’s the asshole?”

“i wish i knew” you scoffed, “i’d like to know who wants to ruin my image”

there were a few seconds of silence, “yena!” you and yeji shouted together with wide eyes.

“this bitch!” yeji spat, “she probably heard us talking about it!”

“oh i’m gonna give her some good bea—“

you were cut off by the bell and had to head straight to class.

you waited for everyone to get in and told yeji you’d come right after you get to your locker and take your notes.

the hallway was empty and you sighed in relief.

“YOU!!” you heard someone shouting across the hallway.

guess it wasn’t so empty after all.

you looked at the person and found the last person you wanted to see.

“you ruined my life!” the person just got closer and closer and you closed your eyes tightly.

“is it because of our break up? that’s how you get back at me? you ruined everything!”

you sighed heavily.

“and what’s with those points? eight, he’s such a nerd for physics it actually hurts, he won’t stop talking about it all the time, nine, thinks his dog is the cutest and will argue you if you don’t think like him, and ten, he’ll use your deepest secrets against you, he cannot be trusted???” he read out the list for you in disbelief, although you already know it.

“those are all lies aren’t they? why did you even—“

“well what am i supposed to do now? it’s already posted, and no! these are not lies! they’re the truth, if you only cared about how i felt in our relationship you’d realize how much of a dick you were” you scoffed and closed your locker, prepared to go to class since you were already too late.

you glanced at jake one last time, he looked speechless, confused and hurt.

were you too much? maybe. but he deserves it.

“hey y/n! should i be careful if i want to date you? i don’t want a hateful list posted about me if i ever break up with you” a random student yelled from across the hall as you were busy talking with yeji.

you glared at him and decided not to reply.

“ignore them, this whole thing will probably vanish in a few days” yeji caressed your back and you sighed.

“i hope you’re right—“ before you could continue, a hand grabbed your wrist and pulled you away from yeji.

you looked at the person in charge and when you noticed it was very angry looking jake, you started panicking.

“hey, let me go!” you tried to let go of his hold but it was no use.

“why didn’t you delete it yet?” he asked angrily when you got into an isolated place.

“delete what?”

“are you that stupid?”

“obviously if i’m still talking to you”

“i’m talking about the post”

“it wasn’t me!” you argued.

“sure, and i’m actually queen elizabeth” he rolled his eyes, clearly not believing you.

“think about it, why would i ruin my reputation?”

“i don’t know, to get sunghoon’s attention? that’s all you ever did” he shrugged.

“you’re a piece of shit, you know that? try to figure who it was on your own” you spat and walked away, leaving him deep in thoughts.

“oh! there you ar— are you okay?” sunghoon who casually bumped into you noticed your frowned eyebrows and tightly closed fists.

“go to your friend, i think he needs you more than i do”

he slowly nodded, still worried about you but you just kept walking away.

“hey dude! what’s going on?” sunghoon noticed his friend’s weird behavior.

“sunghoon,” jake spoke, “who do you think posted it?”

sunghoon shrugged, “it could be anyone”

“who wants to destroy my image? do you think there’s someone that does?”

sunghoon looked at his friend in disbelief, does he really think only about himself now?

“maybe it was someone who wants to get back at y/n and not you? not everything revolves around you, you know”

ouch. truth hurts sometimes.

but it seemed to hit a nerve and jake suddenly got up.

“yena!”

“ugh! just when i thought my life got better without him now i have a huge scandal because of him” you whined.

“are you sure it was only because of him? i mean, you did leave it in your locker and…” yeji was about to continue but stopped when she noticed your glare.

“on who’s side are you?”

“every coin has two sides and you know it” she pressed her lips and you sighed.

maybe she’s right, instead of always blaming your ex about your life problems, you should face the truth sometimes.

“well if it isn’t the famous y/n!” you heard a voice you wished you’d never hear again.

“yena! it’s so good to see you here” you faked a smile, “what brings you here?”

“i study here” she answered sarcastically and you tried to resist the urge to punch her in the face.

“anyway, your list got so famous that everyone at school talks about it! i think you should thank whoever posted it”

“maybe i should! it really got me some fame, even your boyfriend came up to me today” you teased and her face turned red.

“you’re lying!”

“your boyfriend would say otherwise”

she scoffed and ran away, “tell him i agree to go on a date with him!” you shout as she walked away.

“you should go easy on her” yeji, who was there to witness everything that happened shook her head.

“it was her who posted it, she deserved it” you huffed and sped up your walk to the classroom.

your last class was finished after what felt like a year and as you got out you finally took a deep breath.

“i’ll see you tomorrow, try not to think about what happened today!” yeji sent you off and you smiled at her.

as soon as you stepped your foot in school you wished you could run away.

before anyone would notice you, you tried to sneak around and look for yeji.

“y/n!” god how much you hate universe.

“what do you want jake?” you answered rudely.

“just wanted to say thank you for that list,” he said sarcastically, “it’s not like you ruined my reputation or something like that, hey by the way! do you think i should make one too? i think that would be fun”

“don’t you dare” you groaned.

“then let’s date again”

“what?”

“are you deaf? i said let’s date again”

“what makes you think i’d actually do that?”

“well, we could lie to everyone that we tried to trick them into thinking that we hated each other to see how others will react” he shrugged, “think about it, it’ll save our image, plus you owe me”

“i owe you nothing”

“it’s because of you that we’re in this shitty situation!”

“you can just let it be and people will forget about it sooner or later, now let me go—“

he caught your wrist before you could leave.

“one week, one week of just pretending and then we’ll part our ways peacefully”

truth is, his idea didn’t ring so bad, but you were scared. you were scared you’d fall in love with him all over again.

“what is it, some fake dating love story? you can go fake date sunghoon and that’ll create a bigger scandal than this one” you shoved your hand and rolled your eyes while walking away.

a part of him just wanted to hold you back again in his arms, for real.

“hey jake!” sunghoon greeted him and jake gave him a weak smile.

“did you just talk with y/n? i thought you were angry with her?”

“i don’t know, sunghoon” he sighed, “i just want my old life back”

“yeah you kinda fucked up your life, hey why did you even break up with her in the first place?”

when sunghoon heard about your break up, he was the first to come up to jake and ask him about the reasons, only then he realized jake didn’t really want to speak about it at all.

but now jake felt ready, he felt like he needed someone to hear his side of the story, every coin has two sides right?

there they were, sitting in the field’s seats, looking at the empty space, it was just the two of them.

“when we first got together i was so happy, you already know how much i liked her that time, you even helped me planning all those dates” jake sighed.

“‘sunghoon how do you take someone on a date without telling them straightforward it’s a date?’ i remember you asking me those questions nonstop!” sunghoon laughed.

“yeah, i was on cloud nine, but,” jake paused, “i was scared to lose her, i was so scared to lose her to the point i became overly possessive and anxious when she was around other boys, i was so used to have a one time thing and i didn’t know how to keep relationships, it all became messed up, this whole relationship happened in the wrong time”

sunghoon pat his friend’s shoulder, feeling sad for him.

“each time i tried to fix it, it got worse and i didn’t know how to stop, so i just decided to break it off, it’s better to let her live her life than to stay selfish and keep her to myself” jake sighed yet again, emphasizing the disappointment he feels with himself.

“i actually wanted to say this for awhile, but deep down i know you’re insecure about yourself, and you tried to hide it by boosting your ego and lying to everyone about your true self” sunghoon chuckled, “you were some kind of an asshole before you started dating y/n, and even became more of an asshole after getting into a relationship, you should’ve just talked it out with y/n”

“well it’s too late now isn’t it? she made that very clear that she hates me by writing down that list” jake groaned.

“maybe you should just make one about her and ruin her chances to have any relationship in highschool as well” sunghoon shrugged but jake looked at him curiously.

“i was joking! don’t do that!”

“well? how are we feeling today?” yeji handed you your favorite snack to cheer your mood up.

“thinking about ways to kill yena, how about i poison her food?”

“how about you just talk it out with her?”

“not a chance! i can’t look at her face without fighting the urge to punch her”

“well it isn’t going to help you, is it?”

“no, but it’ll make me satisfied”

“maybe i should just accept his offer?” you murmured.

“offer? what offer?” yeji asked.

“promise me no matter what happens, you’ll never abandon me” you grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at you straight in your eyes.

“have you gone mad? i—“

“promise me!”

“okay, okay!” she laughed, “you’re acting like you’re planning to get back with jake”

your silence told her everything.

“don’t you dare—“

“i have the perfect plan! you know how yena always wanted jake, right?”

“doesn’t she have a boyfriend—“

“boyfriend my ass, she was all over jake all the time”

“continue please”

“she probably posted my list to make sure i’ll never date him again, so she could have her chance,” you raised a brow, “by dating him i could only piss her off, but maybe that’d actually get her to confess about it”

“and then what?”

“then HER reputation would be ruined forever, boyfriend? gone, cheerleading? gone, friends? gone!”

“y/n,” yeji held your hand, “you’re so smart i feel like a proud mom!” she wiped her fake tears away.

later then you searched for a specific person you knew you’d find in the field.

“so,” the person said, “you actually agree?”

“jake, don’t make it harder than it already is” you rolled your eyes, trying to keep up with your cool girl energy, but deep down you were so excited to be close to him again and to hold him in your embrace.

“have you heard? jake and y/n are back!!” as you were walking towards your classroom you heard mumbling from other students.

“i literally just now agreed to this stupid idea how-“

“you know how fast rumor spread here, it’s actually scary”

your thoughts kept running through your mind all the way to lunch break, which was the only time you could ever relax and—

“attention please!” oh no.

“yes, me and y/n are back! this whole list thing? it was just to check everyone’s reaction about it! it’s so smart isn’t it? my sweet baby thought about this idea, and we did figure some weird actions after this whole thing blew up” jake dragged you right next to him and stared right into your eyes, “you’ll never break us apart”

cheers and claps were heard all over the hall and the only thing you thought about now is how to run away.

“congratulations! i was so scared it was real, was just now about to pay (student’s name) a hundred bucks, who lost the bet now huh loser?” one of the students came up to you with a wide smile.

you awkwardly smiled back as you set her off.

“did you really have to do that?” you glared at him.

“i did, see? now no one’s talking about it again” he shrugged.

“everyone stopped talking about it a day after! you’re just too busy thinking about yourself to notice your surroundings” you rolled your eyes.

“you agreed to do that, so be my guest, you knew there will be consequences”

“you’re the worst!”

“you don’t mean that”

you just rolled your eyes in return and stormed off.

“hey my sweet darling, how’s your day?”

“jake, we’re out of school, drop the acting”

you failed to notice his smile dropping.

“can’t i just be curious about your day?”

“jake, it’s weird, it’s been a while since we last talked or had a normal conversation, don’t act like nothing happened”

“what do you mean?”

“see you always does that! even when we were in a relationship! you fail to understand how badly you always hurt me and proceeded to just move on so fast, always running away from your problems”

he stopped his tracks as you continued walking away, this left a huge impact on him.

the next day you were back to acting, according to you, to jake it seemed very real.

you were sitting on one of the benches, casually talking with sunghoon about whatever.

jake seemed to notice every small detail about you.

the way you smile when he’s complimenting you, the way you crack at any of his jokes, even those who weren’t so funny.

you never laughed at his jokes.

“hey, can i steal my girlfriend?” jake sounded calm but his whole face screamed anger.

sunghoon, his best friend who had already recognized that face, slowly got up and smiled, “she’s all yours”

“hey, what was that?” you scoffed.

“you were being too close to him”

you rolled your eyes, “i can’t believe we’re back at it again”

“again?”

“yes, again! jake, get it right into your mind, we are not together! we’re just putting a small show for everyone’s entertainment and that’s it, it’s all about saving your ass here as well” you sounded really pissed off.

jake was taken a back for a few seconds but got right back to his senses, “oh”

“yes, oh! we’ll act like a couple when we’ll really need it” and with that you walked away.

“so,” you heard a devilish voice haunting you from behind as you were taking books out of your locker, “you and jake?”

“oh hey yena!” you smiled, “fancy seeing you here”

“answer my question” she furiously said.

“why are you curious? dropped your boyfriend because you thought you’d get a chance with him?” you smirked.

“oh! here’s my boyfriend!” you called jake who seemed to be very deep in thought.

he looked straight into your eye but decided to just walk away and ignore you completely.

“what the hell…” you cursed under your breath.

“boyfriend, huh?” yena was the one who’s smirking now, “well have fun!”

“what the hell was your problem back then?” you let yourself yell at him as you were out of school and on your way home.

“oh, i thought that we need to act like a couple when we really need it—“

“don’t play dumb right now!”

“i don’t get you y/n seriously! you’re always saying something but mean the exact opposite, what do you want, really?” he returned the attitude.

“what?”

“if you’re that suffering you should just go to sunghoon!”

“again with the sunghoon scandal—“

“yes, again with him! how come you never laughed at my jokes? how come you never smiled at any compliment i’ve given you? why did you always push me away when i tried to get closer?” the heated conversation turned into a quiet one, his tone made it very clear to you that he was hurting.

“w-what…” you whispered.

“you just don’t get it do you?” he chuckled, “my reason to being this jealous”

you stopped to think, all this time, all those arguments, he didn’t mean any bad at all.

“have you tried thinking about those beautiful moments we had? those were the most precious moments that ever happened in my entire life” you voice came quiet, “it was my first relationship ever, my first love, my first everything, i didn’t know how i should react, or what i should do in order to keep you to myself”

his glossy eyes were looking at you.

“you were so not used to doing ‘first time’ things that you failed to notice every little thing that i tried to do to keep us together, have you ever thought about that?” you preached, “i loved you, maybe i still do, but that won’t change anything, will it? it just doesn’t matter anymore”

he tried moving closer to you but stopped, “i-i’m sorry…”

“just go” you wiped the tears that were already streaming down your face.

both of you were hurting, but you didn’t know how to fix it all, it’s so stupid really, you think you’ve grown up to be a better person, but somehow communication puts on a wall that stops it all.

“have you heard? i think y/n and jake are over now, for real!”

“how the fuck did i became the hot topic again? and how come everyone knows about what happened yesterday?” you asked yeji.

“rumors, they spread so fast here” she shrugged and you rolled your eyes.

you watched jake pass you, you took the time to focus on his face.

his eyes seem so tried, puffy and hurt…. you thought.

“well someone had a rough day yesterday” yeji commented and you nodded slowly, still lost in thoughts.

“hey, can you let teacher know i have a meeting with coach today?”

“hm? but you don’t have any—“ “thank you!” you ran off quickly before she could ask any more questions.

“psst! sunghoon!” you whispered as you watched him getting ready for class.

“oh? y/n!” he smiled widely.

“come with me!” you grabbed his hand and dragged him outside the school building all the way to the back.

“y/n can we do this other time? class starts soon and—“

“shh!!” you put your finger over his lips and kneeled down with him, hiding from any teacher or student.

“i need you to help me” you gave him puppy eyes.

“yes of course, what happened?” he instantly asked.

“i’m gonna guess that you’re already aware of what happened yesterday”

“yeah, whatever that was i’d rather forget hearing about this”

“focus! i need you to help me figure out this!”

“what do you mean by ‘this’?”

“i mean everything! you’re his best friend, i’m sure you know about our whole relationship status, i-i just need to know why he broke up with me in the first place” you sighed.

“y/n, you’re not going to like what you’ll be hearing, are you sure you want that?” he genuinely asked.

you looked down to the ground and sighed, “yes, tell me everything please”

maybe asking him not to drop any detail was a mistake, because now after he told you everything and left you alone to get some time to think, you can’t help it but overthink about any step that you did.

“that only shows how bad you were for each other” sunghoon’s last words sent shivers down your spine, maybe he’s right.

“miscommunication sucks!” you laid back on the wall next to you, was this whole relationship a big mistake?

it did nothing but to hurt the both of you.

“there you are!” yeji sounded out of breath.

“so, jake might’ve gotten himself into a tiny fight and—“

“what? where!”

“it was right outside of our classroom but—“

before she could even finish her sentence you ran all the way back to your classroom and she after you.

“there’s no one here” you frowned, “you did this on purpose!”

“i tried to tell you he’s already in the nursery!” she yelled after trying to catch her breath.

“fill me up with information please” you asked quietly.

“you asshole!” as soon as you stepped into the nursery and saw jake laying down on one of the beds, a few tears came down your face.

“y/n! be careful he’s still recovering!” the nurse warned you from causing any more harm.

jake slowly opened his eyes and you scoffed, “fight? really? because of me?” you looked at him in disbelief.

he stayed silent, as if he knew what he did was wrong.

“you have nothing to say?”

“he called you a whore who likes to play with any boy that comes around, what did you expect me to do?” he sounded defensive.

“oh, i don’t know, maybe try to insult him with words and not physically! you got yourself into trouble now because of me” you complained.

“it was worth it” he smirked.

“jake, i’m being serious right now, you can’t act like we’re a couple when we’re absolutely not” as soon as you said this the nurse got the clue and went out of the room.

“that is exactly the problem!” he shout, “i can’t pass another day without you being by my side, you drive me crazy only by looking at me, and hell, i cannot look at any other man flirting with you without fighting the urge to punch him!”

“jake…” you whispered.

“i still love you, don’t you get it?…..i feel like i just can’t continue my day without holding you in my arms….” he held your hand.

you wiped the tears that continued to stream down your face, “you’re probably still suffering from concussion after the fight, i’ll go speak to the nurse”

you let go of his hold and walked out of the room.

a lot of thoughts were haunting your brain, how you wished things would be as simple as they sound.

he confessed to you and you love him, what’s stopping you from running into his arms?

“you’re just scared of giving whatever this was a second chance” yeji said as she took a bite of her food.

“whatever this was, it was toxic, i don’t want that to happen again” you sighed.

“yeah, it was pretty shitty to watch from the side, but i think he genuinely mean it this time” she took another bite from her food.

“how do you know that?”

“i mean really, ever since that list was posted he was around you 24/7, probably looking for excuses to be with you, that whole ‘oh we were just joking, we’re still dating’ thing was a dumb excuse for him to be next to you more, any nine years old can tell you that”

“you don’t have to be that harsh” you scoffed.

“i’m telling the truth babe, as much as i hated his guts, and still do, i think he was genuine about his feelings this time, and by the way you told me everything that happened, i think he really wants to fix it and try all over again” she shrugged.

“i….i don’t know what to say”

“just go and tell him yes already” she rolled her eyes and you nodded.

it’s time to fix your broken relationship.

you walked—ran back to the nursery only to find it empty.

“um…do you know where’s—“ “i saw him going to the field” the nurse answered before you could ask.

“thank you!” you smiled and walked excitedly to the field.

“i did it” you heard a familiar voice, “i posted that list”

before you could see who’s talking, you quickly hid behind a side wall.

“what?” you’re 100% certain this is jake’s voice, but who is he talking to?

“i thought this would finally break whatever you had going with her, i mean, you always had heart eyes for her even after your break up, it was making me sick”

“still, how could you do this to me?” jake sounded betrayed and…hurt.

“you had to move on, seriously, it was becoming unhealthy, i didn’t think it’d only bring you closer, it was such a mistake”

“please stop…”

“when you broke up i thought i’d finally have chance with her, but she was actually always looking your way, not even batting an eye at me”

“sunghoon just stop! i can’t believe my best friend would do this”

was it sunghoon this whole time?

“so it was you?” your thoughts voiced out.

“y-y/n?” you saw jake and sunghoon standing right in front of the other, sunghoon wore a shocked expression while jake just stood there looking completely hurt.

“what kind of an idiot would call himself a best friend? and to think you did all of that for what? to hurt not only him but me as well” you tched, “you’re nothing but an egoistic asshole”

“please just—“

“just go the fuck away! you did nothing but to hurt people, you’re disgusting me” you tried to shoo him but he didn’t budge.

“not going? okay then” you grabbed jake’s hand and walked away, not before shooting him an angry glare.

after a few minutes of walking you sat him down on one of the benches.

“you okay?” that was the first thing you asked.

“yeah, not like my best friend tried to sabotage me or anything” he chuckled.

“i’m sorry for that” you placed your hand on his shoulder, pressing it lightly, “he does not deserve to be called your best friend though”

he looked up to you and his eyes were filled with tears. you wiped the tears away and smiled at him.

“i don’t know if it’s going to help, but i didn’t feel anything for him, and never will”

he chuckled and sniffled, “i always trusted you, but i couldn’t find myself to trust him, i guess now i know why”

you rolled your eyes, “yeah, yeah you were right, i was wrong”

he gave you his infamous smile and the butterflies you felt never felt this good, “thank you” he said.

“for what?”

“for being there for me, and even if you don’t want to fix things right now, i think we might be—“

you shut him down by kissing his lips, he was shocked at first but quickly caught up, caging you in his arms and holding you tightly.

as you broke the kiss you smiled, “i do want to fix things, i want that more than anything”

“do you mean it? aren’t you afraid?”

“as long as i’m with you i have nothing to fear” you smiled.

“ugh! you’re back again? i can’t keep up with this anymore!” you heard an annoying voice.

“hey yena? fuck off” you flipped her off and she stormed away.

“since when did you become so confident?”

“ever since i realized i want to cherish and hold the most precious thing to me forever”

“i love you” he held your hand and kissed it, “i love you too” you replied with a quick peck on his lips.

“aww lovebirds, get back in class now the day’s not over yet!”

PERM TAG-LIST ; @sungwhoonz @unlikelysublimekryptonite @deobiis @manooffline @miumiuoi @in-somnias-world @filmofhybe @wonbinsnovia @daegutowns @aurumiee @soobywon @firstclassjaylee @watamotee33 @moons-v @s00buwu @hoonheepretty @jjeoni-7 @dimplewonie

••• copyright © srjlvr all rights are reserved.

[concretecultist]

Broken Vows

summary: while trying to keep your head above water, Nicholas does the unforgivable.

pairing: fem!reader x nicholas ruffilo

THIS IS PURE FICTION!! Do NOT proceed if these themes are not of your taste.

warnings: ANGST, descriptions of postpartum depression, Mean!Nicholas, negative self talk/image, insecurities, infidelity, mentions of trouble trying to conceive, alcohol consumption

word count: 4.1k

A/N: i told you guys angst is my specialty 🥴 please be sure to comment and reblog 🩷

divider by : @djarrex

~Berry 🫐

———

Nico was a gift to your lives. He was such a beautiful baby boy that you and Nicholas were beyond blessed to bring into this world.

With being together for 6 years, being married for 4 and trying for a baby for 2 of them, despite the difficulties, your baby boy is now here.

But while you can recognize how much you love your son, you just can’t seem to display it. When he cries, you panic and just watch him cry until Nicholas intervenes. There’s times where you can’t even hold him, not being able to accept the skin to skin contact.

In your mind, you were failing to be a good mother to him and it doesn’t help that Nicholas’ mind just seemed to be elsewhere. He doesn’t make eye contact, he doesn’t kiss you, he doesn’t hold you at night and he’s passive aggressive when it comes to your detachment regarding Nico.

At first he seemed to understand, until it was him waking up every time in the middle of the night to put him to sleep because you just stared at Nico in his crib, frozen, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to soothe him.

He was understanding at first until he had to buy formula because you wouldn’t pump, and when you did, it wasn’t enough to properly feed him. Your lack of good production stemming from the stress and not being able to take care of yourself, not eating, not hydrating, nothing.

“He needs his mom, Y/N,” Nicholas grabbed Nico from his crib, the upset infant instantly pacified and the blood curdling cries are finally quiet.

“I can’t bond with him, he doesn’t even know me as is mom!,”

“Because you’re not trying!,”

“I am,” you pull at your roots, speaking through gritted teeth, “I’m fighting for my fucking life here and you’re guilting me about it,”

Nicholas just sighed, he knows this isn’t easy. He had helped you get a therapist and he thought it’d at least help even a little bit. It’s been like this for a month.

“I’m not guilting you! But at the same time we have a son to raise, I know you’re trying, honey, but something has got to give. What are you going to do when we have to go on tour again?,”

“You said that wouldn’t be for a while!!,” you shriek, face wet as you panic, “Nicky, please, I’m not ready,”

You could see his jaw clench and you hate to see him so upset with you, so frustrated. Your mind and body were still healing and despite delivering Nico a month ago, your body just doesn’t feel like yours anymore, you’re confused and the idea that someone now needs you 24/7 was terrifying.

Maybe you were in over your head. Maybe there’s a reason it was so hard to conceive in the first place.

But alas, regardless of Nicholas’ frustration, he still helped get you to therapy, he helped you do some stretches to help get you grounded back into your body.

However, after a while the distance still grew. Once you were at a point where you could be alone with Nico, Nicholas was barely there.

He’d tell you he was leaving and wouldn’t come back until late.

It’s almost like he was punishing you.

Each night he’d come home, hop in the shower and climb in bed, turning his back to you.

Your marriage didn’t feel like a marriage anymore and you’re still waiting to feel that sense of family that so many people talked about.

There’s a night where Nicholas doesn’t come home at all. You’re messaging him, blowing up his phone with calls and voicemails, even going as far as calling the guys but even they’re not answering.

You were up all night crying along with Nico and the only reason he fell asleep is because he cried himself out. You sat in the same spot on the loveseat from sunset to sunrise, you haven’t slept a wink and when you hear his keys jingling, you become more aware of how you look.

Hair all over the place, Nico’s spit up all over your hoodie, dried tear streaks on your face and it just feeds the insecurities that you’ll never “snap back” like all the other moms on social media do.

“Where have you been?,” voice cracking

He doesn’t answer, he just walks past you as if you don’t exist.

“I asked you a question,”

“God, Y/N! Not right now,”

Your breath hitches as you take in his appearance, looking all partied out and hungover, hair up in a messy bun and his clothes all wrinkled.

“I stayed up all night waiting for you! I didn’t know where you were, you didn’t even answer, none of you did!,”

“I told them to turn their phones off,” he replied as if it was the simplest answer. As if he were answering ‘4… duh’ when asked what 2+2 equals.

The sound that escaped you sounded as if someone had their hands around your throat and you were fighting for your life.

“I needed you,”

“And I needed a break!,” the way he raised his voice had you rearing back against the couch cushion. He’s never raised his voice, “I have been taking care of Nico since the day he came home. I’ve been taking care of YOU, I’ve been bathing him, I’ve been bathing you, I’ve been feeding him and feeding you. I have a child and a wife, I’m not a single dad of two children!,”

All you can do is hold Nico close to your chest as Nicholas’ words soaked into your skin, making it hard for the air to reach your lungs, his words a colorless poison like carbon monoxide.

“Nicky…,” you whimper, “Don’t… don’t say that, I’m trying,”

“And I’m tired!!,” he’s still shouting and if he doesn’t stop, he’ll wake Nico and you can’t handle that right now, “I stayed out with the guys, we had a couple drinks and I crashed at Jolly’s and it was the first full nights rest I’ve gotten in a long time so no, I’m not going to apologize!,”

You just stared at him, scared of the fury that had taken over his once comforting eyes.

“I…,” you hiccup, “I’m… I’m sorry, I’ll be better,”

It finally clicks in Nicholas’ mind how he just reacted and his expression softened.

“Wait, honey. I don’t know why I just-,”

“It’s okay,” you smile through the tears, “I’m going to lay him down and take a shower,”

“I can help you,”

You slowly sit up to lay Nico down in his bassinet and you wrap your arms around yourself as a way to self soothe and make yourself seem smaller under his inquisitive gaze.

“N-no. I’ll be okay,” you try to walk past him but he reaches for your arm gently, slowly spinning you around but you avoid his eyes.

“I love you,” sighing in exhaustion, he says the three words you’ve been needing to hear for the longest. This hasn’t been easy for you either.

But there’s a twinge in his tone, almost as if he’s convincing himself.

You want to believe him, you want to relish the words that should have been coming out of his mouth unconditionally this entire time.

But there’s something deep within his eyes that reads he’s just saying it to placate you.

Not to mention, there’s a sweet smell coming off his clothes.

That of gourmand and ambroxan, like of a subdued jasmine soaked in a lactonic caramel.

It’s unfamiliar and it sure as hell doesn’t belong to you.

Despite getting better and working on your bond with Nico, Nicholas seemed to pull away more and more.

So for tonight, you cooked dinner and wore your favorite colored dress, a dress that he always complimented you in, it was his favorite of yours.

You wore a little make up to brighten up your eyes and make your skin seem hydrated and plump instead of dull and dry.

You had fed Nico and put him down for bed, just wanting some time alone with your husband. Your heart skipped a beat when you heard him enter your shared home, bouncing on the balls of your feet while you stood beside the candle lit dinner on the table.

Except when he entered the dining room, he seemed so unamused. His eyes scanned down your body and to the table with little to no emotion.

“What’s this?,” he questions, setting his jacket on the back of the table.

“Well I figured we hadn’t had a date night in ages, we could use some alone time”

“Y/N…,” he pinched the bridge of his nose as if he was annoyed with the whole set up, “I don’t really have the energy for this right now,”

“It’s just…,” your eyes blink in confusion at his words, trying to hide the sadness. He didn’t even say how pretty you looked, “It’s just dinner, Nicky. C’mon just sit,”

Reluctantly, he did so. It was his favorite dish and yet he looked at it as if it was the most unappetizing slop on his plate.

He doesn’t know that his little expressions and lack of energy are killing your spirit but you’re set on trying.

“It’s your favorite,” you take a small bite, watching as he just sits there with his arms on either side of his plate, fiddling with his thumbs. He’s just sitting as if he’s trying to process something.

“I even baked a cake today! It was a new recipe I got it from this Facebook group I’m in. I was thinking after dinner we could take a bubble bath together like we used to and share a piece! Just like old ti-,”

“I slept with someone else,” he blurts out.

Your lips twitch and your ears start ringing.

“Heh… what?,” your motions come to a halt and the smile is no longer on your face. The candle flames seemed to stop flickering and the world outside seemed to still as you zeroed in on him, “What did you say?,”

He leans forward on the table, moving the plate to the side to rest his head in his hands.

“I slept with-,”

“No, you raise your head and look at me,” you demanded. This has to be some sort of sick joke. Sometimes the guys can take their jokes a little too far. This has to be one of them, right?

He sighed heavily, hands dropping to the table with a light knock as his inked knuckles bump against the mahogany.

Those beautiful eyes that you found a home in, stare back at you and you feel so lost now. Like you’re in a place that seemed familiar but you’re experiencing amnesia.

You know this place but it’s distorted.

“I slept with someone else,” he said clearer.

Your breathing seemed to pick up, thumb cramping from how hard you’re gripping your fork.

“It was a mistake. Y/N please believe me. I-,”

“I was at home… taking care of our baby, battling the PPD, overexerting myself to get back into shape so that you would still want me and your first thought is to sleep with someone else?,”

Your voice was eerily calm, robotic almost. Your fork clanks against the plate when you lose your grip. Everything is starting to feel numb.

“Honey-,”

“You don’t get the call me that anymore,” throat clenching around the words, trying to keep your composure.

“I was drunk,” he tried to justify.

“Did,” clearing your throat, “Did you at least use p-protection?,”

“I don’t think we should get into the details,”

A painful wail echoed throughout the house. You knew his answer. Your hand flies to your mouth to keep your cries in so you don’t wake Nico.

The distance. The perfume. His anger and frustration. It all made sense.

“I would have given you what you wanted,” you tremble at your own words, “I don’t care that I was healing. I would have fucking given you what you needed,”

“No,” He whimpered, “Honey, I don’t know what happened. I drank and you know I don’t drink and it just-,”

Another woman… experiencing your husband in that way, when you needed him was Earth shattering. You hadn’t received a hug from him in weeks, no kiss from him in almost two months now, he doesn’t hold you and the sex stopped about two months before Nico was born.

“Was it the… did the stretch marks turn you off? I started using the cocoa butter, I just needed time,”

You felt so raw, like an exposed nerve and the pain won’t stop. You’re just trying to make sense of it all.

“Don’t do this, Y/N,” he had some nerve to cry right now. This was his doing. He went out and cheated.

“It’s a m-myth that we stay stretched out after birth, it would have felt the same,” you pleaded, “I just needed to heal. I-,”

“No I.. It’s not that. I know that’s a myth! I just, I had too much to drink,”

“I refuse to believe that,” you lament, “It had to be something about me that pushed you to her. I-I got better with keeping up on showering, I’m sorry you had to see me like that I was just so sad all the time I was stuck-,”

“Y/N !,” his fists bang on the table and you flinch, breath trembling.

“I don’t know why I did it and I’m sorry I did it. I’m so sorry, baby. I was… I was stressed out and I blacked out. I know that’s not acceptable but-,”

“You turned your back on your family,” you clenched your chest, it was feeling like your heart was actually breaking, “You do not turn your back on your family!,”

“I love you and Nico,”

“I take you, Y/N Y/L/N, as my lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward,” you repeat his vows back to him and you can see him start to get sick to his stomach. How can you love someone and hurt them like this?

“I promise to cherish and love you, to be faithful and to support you through sickness and in health. For rich or for poor until death do us part,” you jab your finger in his direction, images flashing before your eyes from what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, a day that now meant nothing.

“You said those words!! You lied to me that day, you broke your vows!”

“I didn’t lie. I love you. Y/N, please it was a mistake,”

“This is the last time you lie to me,” this was a man who you’d always follow to the ends of the Earth. The man who made life worth living but has now taken that will away.

“I’m not lying,” he’s groveling, “I drank to ease the pressure but I didn’t know when to stop a-and she was all over me, I thought she was you. I wasn’t in my right mind. I was drunk!,”

“As if being drunk makes it better?,” you whisper, you hate that you’re looking at him and his cheeks are wet. The fucking gall to act like the victim here.

“You gave me Nico! We tried for years. You watched me blame myself for not being able to conceive. You watched as I panicked when we found out we were having him and you watched me struggle to stay alive… watched me struggle to be a mother, you watched me fall apart and instead of keeping your word you run off to get your fucking dick wet?!,”

You stand up from the table, chair screeching against the floor and walk away into the kitchen where he unfortunately follows.

“I love you and I love Nico and I don’t want to lose that,”

“It’s a little too late for that!,”

“Please don’t say that,” he took a step forward but you took two back to get away from him.

“A man… who left me, while I was still recovering, to go party with his friends and sleep with another woman isn’t a man who loves me. You left me to take care of our baby boy knowing I was scared to be alone with him because I don’t know what the FUCK I’M DOING!! But nooo, you couldn’t wait long enough for me to heal. That’s selfishness, that’s not love!,”

You push him but he just stands there and takes it so you do it again and again until you’re pounding on his chest, sobbing at how things fell apart so fast.

“Y/N stop! Stop… Baby, stop!!!,” he grabs your wrists and holds you in place, eyes burning into yours. You don’t know who he is anymore.

“I wish you never told me!,” you gasp for air, “I have a son to take care of, you should have kept it to yourself, you should have continued to lie!,” you push him so hard he actually stumbles back into the wall.

“I couldn’t… it was eating at me, I-,”

“And I hope does for the rest of your life because we are done! You didn’t just hurt me. You hurt an innocent baby boy who doesn’t know any better and I’ll be damned if my son is raised by a ‘man’ who has no respect for his spouse!!!,”

He ran a hand through his hair, panicking about what he has done and how his family is falling apart before it even started. He did this.

There’s no one to blame.

He can’t blame you. You were healing all while falling apart. He knows how common PPD is and yet he centered himself in your own mental health struggles and now he’s here.

It’s his fault.

“How do I make this right, Y/N please? I want to make this work. I love you,”

“Do you have a time machine?,” the rhetorical question made this situation all more real. This was his reality now and he’s ruined something so good, and for what? The man who stood at the altar and declared his love for you in front of the most important people in your lives was not who he sees in the mirror anymore and he’s definitely not who you’re seeing now.

You grip the granite counter, head hanging low. You try to calm down, try to catch your breath but you just can’t.

Picking your head up, your eyes find his once more and your face is stoic, void of any emotions that are overwhelming your nervous system right now.

The hurt of his deception was taking over your body like a virus and there was no treatment to fix it, it has infected you and will slowly deteriorate you over time.

“So what are you going to say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me?,”

Seems dramatic. But it feels like you’re dying. This is a betrayal you never expected. You thought you’d be the exception in life. That you’d get the guy and white picket fence. But you ended up just being another broken hearted woman.

“I love you… so much. Please can we work this out?,”

His begging set something off inside of you and you lost it.

“You don’t cheat on someone you love!,” you threw a vase of flowers, “You don’t cheat on your fucking wife!,” fists pounding in your counter.

“You don’t go out drinking when your wife is left crying at home, beside herself with anxiety that she’ll hurt herself or her son!,” this time it’s a glass plate that you threw like a frisbee in which he dodged just in time.

“I needed you!,” you scream at the top of your lungs, “I needed you! Nico needed you, he needed us!!,”

“Y/N Stop!,” Nicholas shouted over the shattering glass and sobs.

“He needed us but instead you had some random bitch pinned against the wall in some sleazy club bathroom!,” the image makes you sick to envision.

After you throw the last item within your reach, you fall to your knees, clutching your chest as you let out the scream of a banshee.

It hurts to inhale and it feels like you’re having a heart attack.

“Y/N!,” Nicholas rushes over to you and you begin to hear Nico crying in the back.

“Baby, please. Come on!,” his voice becomes muffled like you’re underwater and you can’t make anything out.

He’s blurry and it feels like you’re stuck in a current, trying to keep your head above water, gasping for air but the waves keep dragging you under.

“Y/N!,” he’s shaking you to snap you out of it, to get you back down to Earth but you’re still fighting him off. Still throwing weak punches.

“Come on, baby. Come back to me,”

Your eyes are shut tight as you try to find your breath but it’s not working.

“I’m right here! Just open your eyes! I’m right here!,”

You can’t look at him right now. The fact that he’s even this close to you makes it worse.

“Y/N! Please you’re scaring me!!”

With one last stern shake, you open your eyes, a large gasp echoing in your ears and you’re covered in cold sweats, grasping at what you can reach which are the hot sheets on your bed.

“Hey, shhh. Shhh. I’m right here. It’s okay. You’re safe,” he’s brushing the hair out of your face, your bonnet was nowhere to be found.

“It was just another nightmare,” he whispers.

Your head turns to him and you take in your surroundings.

The white numbers on the digital clock read 2:17 am. Nicholas is in a plain white shirt and his briefs and the moon is shining through the sheer curtains of your room.

You look back to him and your face frowns as your eyes start to burn with the salty drops.

“Was it the same one?,” he asks, all you can do is shake your head.

“Y-you cheated,” you choked, “In this one you l-left me alone with Nico and cheated,”

You see the way the words tugged at his heart, bothering him greatly. He’s trying to hide the hurt on his face but he knows it’s not your fault that your mind is displaying these disconcerting scenes in your head.

“I’d never do that to you,” he caresses your cheek, “Baby, believe me. I would never fucking do that to you. I love you and Nico too much to do that,”

You throw yourself in his arms and just let it all out. This one felt so much more real than the other ones you’ve had before.

Nicholas held you for a bit before he started to ease away but you had a tight grip on his shirt, not wanting him to leave.

“I’ll be right back,” he reassured with a kiss to your forehead, “Nico is up. I’m gonna go get him,” he sat you up against the headboard as you tried to alleviate the uneasiness that soaked your body.

The three week old baby is heard whining when Nicholas brings him in the room.

“You wanna hold him? I think he’s hungry. If not I can get a bottle,”

“I wanna hold him. I need to hold him,”

Nicholas was so gentle when placing him in your arms, even helped you unbutton your night gown so Nico could start to feed. When the baby latched, he was subdued and curled into you, feeling safe in your embrace.

“Your doctor said the nightmares are normal,” Nicholas assured, rubbing his hands on your thighs to ease some of the tension you’re storing in your body.

“I just want them to stop,” You were exhausted. Almost every night since having Nico, you’d woken up in cold sweats and tears. Tonight was so much worse, you were sobbing and thrashing in your sleep, throwing punches at Nicholas as he tried to wake you, unbeknownst to you of course.

“I know it’s a lot but please don’t leave me. Don’t leave us, please,” you flex your jaw, trying to keep your cries to a minimum

“In sickness and in health, Y/N. I meant those words. I will never hurt you or our family, I’d rather die,”

The way he stared in your eyes, this is the man you married. The man in your dreams was just some monster your mind made up, a sick play on your fears.

The mind has a macabre way of playing into your insecurities, attacking itself, like a snake eating its own tail.

But Nicholas was there every step of the way, every nightmare, every therapy appointment, every good day and bad day until you felt like yourself again.

He kept his word.

And he didn’t break his vows.

[tulip-fiction]

Fan Fiction

Content Warning: depression, toxic family, implied suicidal thoughts

Poison – Begins ≠ Youth

Jeha groggily opened his eyes, blinking away the sleep until the weight of them lightened. The container was quiet, everyone else still asleep after staying up late celebrating Cein’s birthday, followed by Hosu’s.

Jeha lay motionless in the bed, careful not to disturb Cein. Jeha had crawled into the bed next to him in the early hours before morning, Cein sighing loudly before making room for Jeha. Now, with the morning sun shining through the window, they lay facing each other, one awake and watching, one asleep and unaware.

Jeha watched his Hyung sleep. He thought Cein looked tired even now, shadows painted beneath his closed eyes. But they looked soft and without the weight Jeha normally found there. Jeha remembered a time when Cein looked less worn, but there had been darkness in those eyes even then.

6 Years Ago

Jeha squatted in the alley alongside the piano academy, his face buried in his arms. He knew Teacher would be disappointed if he didn’t warm up before his lesson, but he couldn’t go in there yet, not until he stopped crying.

“You’re in First Grade now. You’re too old to cry,” Jeha told himself in frustration wiping snot from his face.

Jeha wouldn’t let his parents see him cry. He didn’t want them to know how sad he was that he had to stop piano lessons. His dad was sick and they needed money for his medical treatments. Piano lessons would have to wait, but mom had promised him he could go again once dad was better, so he shouldn’t be crying.

“What’s wrong?” a voice called out to him.

Jeha shot up in embarrassment at being caught by Teacher’s son.

“Are you crying?” Cein asked.

“No!” Jeha protested, moving to wipe his eyes. But before he could, Cein grabbed his hand.

“Stop with the mask. Don’t pretend to be okay when you’re not. Let your tears out,” Cein commanded gently without meeting his eyes. “If you don’t let your sadness out, it will poison you from the inside, killing you slowly until there is nothing left to live for.”

Jeha stared at the older boy, his wrist still held in the boy’s larger hand. Then the dam broke and Jeha began to heave big, heavy sobs. Cein loosened his grip and Jeha threw his arms around Cein’s waist and cried.

Jeha didn’t know how long he cried, but slowly the sadness lifted. It was still there. He was still heartbroken to stop his piano lessons. He still felt scared at the concerned faces on the adults around him and the way his dad looked after his coughing episodes. But those feelings weighed less now, no longer demanding to erupt from him.

The tears stopped first, then his breathing slowed and became steady. “Are you ready to go in now?” Cein asked.

Jeha nodded with his face still buried in Cein’s now damp shirt. Cein patted his head and then gently took a step back from Jeha. He bent over and searched Jeha’s face for the answer to an unasked question and then nodded in return.

Cein led the way into the academy, and Jeha took his place at the piano and began his practice. He always got stuck in the same place in this new song. His fingers just wouldn’t move right.

“Like this,” Cein said coming over to stand behind Jeha. He reached his arms over Jeha’s shoulders and placed his hands so his fingers rested softly on top the smaller set. Then Cein rhythmically repeated the part over and over again until Jeha’s fingers took over leading the movement. Cein slowly lifted his hands until breaking contact, Jeha continued on his own.

“Great job both of you,” Teacher praised walking into the room.

Cein joined his mother at the side of the piano. Jeha watched Teacher pat Cein on the head the same way Cein had patted him in the alley. “Maybe one day you will take over as teacher when I am gone,” she smiled and Cein smiled back. But Jeha saw that neither smile reached their eyes. It was something he started noticing when his parents’ smiles had changed after his dad became sick.

“Jeha, I heard this will be your last lesson for a while. Why don’t we celebrate your hard work with a concert of your favorite songs for Cein and me?” Teacher purposed.

Jeha smiled and nodded with excitement, but before he could begin, Cein started biting his nails and his mom tisked. “Stop that. You won’t have any fingers left if you don’t stop eating them,” Teacher scolded. “Go ahead and warm up Jeha, I’ll be back in a minute. And you,” Teacher said pointing at Cein, “Keep your fingers out of your mouth until I get back with the bitter paint.”

Cein dropped his hands to his side and looked at the floor, his chewed thumb tucked inside a clenched fist. Jeha only dared to look for a quick second, but he thought he could see tears in those eyes. Tears that Hyung was not allowing to come out.

Present Day

Jeha looked at Hyung’s nails, chewed so short that the skin was torn and red, dried blood crusted at the edges of the shortest ones. Jeha looked at his own nails, rough and jagged from biting them. He wondered if his would be that bad if he wasn’t always being scolded. Cein no longer had someone to scold him and coat his nails with bitter paint. Then his eyes lit up with an idea.

Jeha controlled his excitement as he slowly sat up and slid from the bed, wary of waking Cein. Moving quietly to his backpack, he sifted through it until he found the liquid paper and the pen he had been searching for. Jeha had wanted to get Hyung a birthday present just from him, but he had already given the group all the money he had and he didn’t dare to steal any more from step-father. So this was perfect. Now he only hoped Cein really was a deep sleeper and not faking all those naps while they goofed off in the detention room.

Jeha held his breath when he painted the first nail. By the second one, he was brave enough to hold the finger he was painting. When Cein’s breath stayed steady and unchanged, Jeha was convinced that he was a deep sleeper and picked up Cein’s hand in his.

Jeha knew he should go home, but he wasn’t ready to yet. He still wasn’t over yesterday’s blowup with him mom. He wasn’t worried about getting in trouble for staying out all night. He didn’t even care if he was. But he knew his mom would be worried and he wasn’t done hurting her.

Yesterday

Jeha sat quietly, taking small bites of his breakfast, even though his appetite was gone. Step-father hadn’t even talked to him for the entire meal. He was too busy talking to his son, Mingook.

“Jeha’s grades are improving. He’s working hard with his new tutor,” Mom informed Step-father, trying to gain some approval for her son.

“Oh yeah? That’s good,” Step-father said without looking at him. “Once you have the discipline to study on your own like your brother, we won’t have to waste money on a tutor.”

Jeha put his utensil down, done pretending to eat. He hated this family. Sitting at this table, while this man went on and on about his golden son Mingook, his mother begging for scraps of his love, pleading with her eyes for Jeha to say or do something that would magically get Step-father to look at him, was unbearable. Jeha didn’t know who he hated more; the people he sat with or himself for biting his nails to stay silent.

Step-father finally looked up and Jeha froze, unable to drop his hand from his mouth even though he knew he should. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop with that disgusting habit of yours? Leave the table.”

“Yes sir,” Jeha said and quickly removed himself, a smile spreading across his face as he left the room.

It wasn’t long before his mother entered with a small bowl of rice. “Did you get enough to eat?”

“I’m fine,” Jeha answered coldly without looking up from his homework.

“Why do you have to provoke him Jeha?”

“Like it would matter.”

“Just try harder.”

“Try harder? Are you serious?” Jeha snapped bitterly, slamming his pencil down on his desk. “I did try. I did everything. For years. I played the perfect son. Put on a mask. Hid every part of myself that you asked me to hide. But it didn’t matter. I still wasn’t good enough for him. He didn’t care. And now neither do I.”

“Then at least try for me,” his mother begged.

Jeha turned and met those pleading eyes with his stony glare. “I already told you, I don’t care anymore.”

Present Day

Jeha didn’t feel anything as he thought back to yesterday. There was no sadness, and even his anger seemed more like an idea than a feeling. There were no tears he held back, those had stopped long ago. Cein had been right. Wearing a mask, holding in his sadness, it had poisoned him and he wasn’t even sure he was still alive.

Not long ago, Jeha had believed he didn’t care about anything anymore. He didn’t care about the way his Step-father treated him. He didn’t care about his mother’s tears. And he stopped caring about living long ago. But sitting here, the final nail painted with black and white piano keys, Jeha realized that he cared about seeing Hyung smile.

A tear slipped down Jeha’s cheek and a soft smile spread across his face as he looked from Cein to each of his sleeping companions. His gaze settled back on Cein, still looking peaceful in his sleep. It was nice to see that familiar emptiness wiped from Hyung’s face. Cein was poisoned just like he was, and maybe Cein had stopped living too. But as Jeha sat looked at that face, there was a tiny, scared piece of him that was starting to believe that they might be able to find a way back to the living together.

Thank you @raplinenthusiasts for the AMAZING GIFs!

[huellitaa]

bee's record player: march edition. 🎀𓂃 ࣪˖

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 !! notice !! ♡

surpriseee <3 wanted to try and add a little of my personal influence to my girlblog since music is literally my entire life & thought it might be funny to show u all what makes up the chaotic glittery mess that is my brain (and because there are almost 1000 of you beautiful people following me whatt?? thank you😭). i've allllways wanted to do smth like this too so, here u go !! 🩷💗

(+ this is a way for me to rant about my interests without being annoying to my friends / moots 😭. to anybody who has listened to me rant or cry or scream or whatever over music ily guys mwa)

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 NEW ARRIVALS

goddess, laufey

♡ released march 6th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 4 minutes 28 seconds

eternal sunshine, ariana grande

♡ released march 8th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: supernatural, the boy is mine, we can't be friends (wait for your love), intro (end of the world)

♡ running time: 35 minutes 33 seconds

unheard, hozier

♡ released march 22nd, 2024

♡ extended play / EP

♡ best songs: too sweet (i adore this song.)

♡ running time: 13 minutes 59 seconds

super real me, illit

♡ released march 25th, 2024

♡ extended play / EP, debut! ♡

♡ best songs: magnetic, midnight fiction

♡ running time: 9 minutes 36 seconds

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 BEE'S TRACKS: TOP 10

♡ 10. my world, illit

girly girl song!! i've been obsessed with illit's whole super real me album, their debut is soo good oh my gosh. its criminally short but i seem to have listened to it a lot !! 😭

♡ 9. we can't be friends (wait for your love), ariana grande

i have SO MUCH to say about this song but it resonates with me so much in so many different ways and i just. oh my god. ariana i love u so much

♡ 8. we got so much, le sserafim

k so i initially didn't really like this song but... it's grown on me. a lot. since it first came out. um. it's pretty simple honestly and it's just really girly girl it makes me feel like a school girl i love it

♡ 7. this is what makes us girls, lana del rey

girlblogger anthem!! okay confession i did not get into this song until LAST MONTH. i know. it's terrible and i am ashamed i am so sorry. but i have formed such a strong emotional attachment to this song its crazy i adore it

♡ 6. imperfect for you, ariana grande

exposing myself pt.3 i was in a really big depressive slump for like one half or more of this month actually and this song helped me so much i can't 😭 i love you ari

♡ 5. the boy is mine, ariana grande

(are you noticing a pattern here yet) um another ariana grande song no lol um idk what ur talking about haha 🥰 this song is so twerkable im sorry i wasnt a fan at first but im obsessed i need to stop

♡ 4. smart, le sserafim

no words. once again wasn't a huge fan originally but oh my god im obsessed w it now. afrobeat type of songs are, will, and always be top tier and i will die on this hill. (i've been SO OBSESSED with le sserafim lately but i think thats fairly obvious here😭)

♡ 3. eternal sunshine, ariana grande

i adore this song oh my god. its become one of my favs of all time since it came out. this was on loop for HOURS when i first heard it and its such a comfort song for me. it shows her growth so beautifully and there's so much about it i just absolutely adore like i could write a whole essay on this song and still wouldnt be able to express how much i love it

♡ 2. magnetic, illit

illit was bound to pop up here again this month tbh ok so me and my bsf were listening to this on loop the entire time at school a little after it came out like we were sitting in the front row of our class and were still watching the magnetic mv under the desk on her phone. so in love with this song it makes me so happy n feel so cute i ahh <3

♡ 1. supernatural, ariana grande

SUPERNATURAL IS THE SONG EVER. first day it came out i listened to the album and this was on loop constantly for the next week or more. it's made it up to my top 10 fav songs of all time ever and i listen to A LOT of music. this song is my life<333

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ALBUMS

♡ 1. eternal sunshine, ariana grande

fairly self explanatory. i love u ari. there was soo much ari this month bc ive been a diehard ari stan since i was 8 and have never looked back. since yes and released in january i have been ecstatic about ag7 releasing in march after 4 YEARS of no ari so this was MONUMENTAL for me 😭😭 THE DROUGHT IS OVER ARIANATORS RISE 🩷🩷🩷

♡ 2. super real me, illit

so basically the day this album came out my best friend was spamming me about them and i only listened to them like 2 days after cuz she was annoying me about it and OH MY GOD. i listened to them and then proceeded to loop the whole album for the next 72 hours 💗 and for a debut as well is amazing ily illit girlies

♡ 3. with you-th, twice

so i wasn't much of a fan at first bc they just sounded really similar and bland to me but its grown on me a lot since it came out and i've been listening to it so much throughout the entirety of march. its just so oddly comforting in a way and feels like a hug in music form (+ rush and bloom are the best songs argue with the wall)

♡ 4. easy, le sserafim

self explanatory. i'm obsessed with le sserafim at the moment and this album is everything to me. ass shaking album 10/10

♡ 5. k-12, melanie martinez

i have been revisiting one of my fav albums of all time this month and its as amazing as always. this has been my favourite album of all time since it came out and i will never ever get over k12 🩷 10000/10!!!! <3

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ARTISTS

♡ TOMORROW X TOGETHER

♡ TWICE

♡ LANA DEL REY

♡ LE SSERAFIM

♡ ARIANA GRANDE

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 SPECIAL MENTIONS

♡ happy 1 year to portals by melanie martinez! oh my god this album helped me through all of 2023 and i went to see her on tour in london for my birthday last november and it was surreal. she's amazing. i adore her and this album (i have it on vinyl hehe) and love it SOO MUCH 💖

♡ expect ordinary things by ariana grande to be high high on my top 10 next month its been on loop for days now im obsessed

♡ there's going to be a LOT in next month's issue seeing as 2 of my all time favs are coming back next month, so prepare for that! so excited ahh <3 (one has already released at the time of writing this. prepare urselves.)

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 EDITOR'S NOTE

this was SO FUN oh my gosh. i am 100% making this a regular thing~ lmk if it was entertaining, improvements needed, artists / albums you'd like me to keep up with etc, or just general comments, ideas, reviews and so on. thank you so much for reading, this was so fun! look forward to next month 💗🫶💖

lots of love 💘

[l0velyrand0m]

Old Soul - The First Avenger

Third chapter, here we go.

I've gotten a reblog and a few likes, so I figured the third chapter was in order. Maybe theres people actually enjoying this, yknow?

As always: The full story in it's entirety is on Wattpad (l0velyrand0m) and there may or may not be a second book in the works? This is all mostly for my enjoyment, there's no demand or anything, I'm just addicted to fictional men punching people.

The prior chapters are on my blog, the first chapter is pinned and the second chapter was posted not too long ago.

"Faster, ladies! Come on! My grandmother has more life in her, God rest her soul!" Peggy shouted at the soldiers lined up doing push ups on the ground. Eliza watched and observed the men. Erskine had given her the task of watching out for the "least fit" in the group. No idea why, but she was sure it was her brother. Until she overheard Phillips.

"You're not seriously thinking about picking Rogers, are you?" the Colonel asked the doctor next to him, who simply nodded.

"I am more than just thinking about it. He is the clear choice. I'm hoping our Nurse friend over there agrees," Erskine replies. Eliza was thoroughly confused.

"When you brought a ninety-pound asthmatic onto my Army base, I let it slide. I thought, what the hell? Maybe he'd be useful to you, like a gerbil," Colonel Phillips explained. Somehow him referring to her brother as a "gerbil" made Eliza almost offended for him. "I never thought you'd pick him."

Eliza walked over to the two men and joined the conversation. "Gentlemen," she greeted. Erskine offered her a small smile.

"Up," Peggy commanded the boys once she saw Erskine, Phillips and Eliza gathered together.

"Doctor Erskine, forgive me," Eliza began. "What is the Super Soldier breed exactly?"

"A Super Soldier is a highly advanced superhuman, given abilities from a serum I invented. It's highly intuitive - made to make the weakest man stronger. But it only amplifies what's already there. Give the serum to the wrong person, and you've just made them more of themselves." Erskine's explanation made Eliza nearly sick to her stomach. She wasn't entirely convinced that Steve would survive such a thing. "Rogers is a perfect candidate. Determined, clever. The serum will do him well."

"You stick a needle in that kid's arm and it's gonna go right through him!" Phillips exclaimed. Eliza almost wanted to agree.

They glanced over to the recruits scurrying to straighten up at Peggy's command.

"Look at that. He's making me cry," Phillips scoffed.

"I am looking for qualities beyond the physical," Erskine says. Eliza was starting to dislike his philosophical speeches.

"Do you know how long it took to set up this project?"

"Yeah, I know."

"All the grovelling I had to do in front of Senator What's-His-Name's committees?"

"Brandt," Erskine corrected. "Yes, I know. I am well aware of your efforts."

"Then throw me a bone. Hodge passed every test we gave him," Phillips says. Eliza wrinkled her nose. She didn't want to have to work with Hodge anymore than she already had to. "He's big, he's fast, he obeys orders. He's a soldier."

"He's a bully," Erskine corrected Phillips again.

"You don't win wars with niceness, Doctor." Phillips reached into his pocket and pulled out a hand grenade. "You win wars with guts."

Phillips threw the grenade into the area where the men were training. "Grenade!" and all the men scattered.

Except for Steve.

Steve jumped on the bomb and covered it with his body. Eliza's heart dropped. Peggy stood wide eyed at the boy.

"Get away! Get back!" Steve yelled. He waited for the bomb to go off, but nothing ever happened.

"It was a dummy grenade." Eliza whispered, and looked to Phillips.

"All clear! Back in formation." an officer waved all of them back into line.

"Is this a test?" Steve asked, peering up at Erskine, Phillips and Eliza.

"He's still skinny."

•••

Eliza laid silently on her bunk. She couldn't believe the nerve of Steve earlier. But at the same time... she was astonished. Proud, even. That her brother would think to do that. Suddenly she understood what Erskine meant about choosing Steve over Hodge. Whatever was in the serum wasn't just enhancing the physcial stuff. It would enhance him mentally, too.

A knock at her door drew her attention back.

"It's just me, are you decent?" Steve asked from the other side of the door.

"Decently mad at you, sure," Eliza remarked. Steve sighed. "Yes. It's fine if you come in."

The door opened to reveal her twin brother. She wanted to question how he got over here in the first place, but then she noticed Erskine behind him and assumed the german doctor had something to do with his arrival.

"You have five minutes, then you must return to your barracks. I need to speak with Miss Rogers as well."

Steve nodded and closed the door. "Look, Liza, I never meant to piss you off this bad, I just-"

"You saw an opportunity and you took it. I understand. How do you think I'm here, Steve?"

He smiled slightly. "I'm sorry for being such a jerk, and not listening to you when you were only trying to protect me."

"I should've realised you didn't need protecting. You're not a 16 year old kid in Brooklyn anymore. You're grown up. And I'm proud of you."

Her words sent a stab of remorse through Steve's heart. The words, coming from her, meant the world to him. But he was only recieving them because he made her feel like the bad guy for doing the right thing.

"Thank you, Eliza. I'm proud of you too."

"Five minutes are up, Steven," Erskine said, opening the door. "Say your goodnight and goodbye so I may speak with her."

"Bye, Elizabeth, have a good night."

"You too, Steve," she said, watching him walk out the door.

"Miss Rogers, it's come to my attention that Steven is your twin brother?"

"Yes, sir."

"You've had a knack for taking care of him. So I have a promotion for you once our project starts. You'll be his personal aid. I'll teach you everything I know about the side effects of the serum and what to watch out for starting tomorrow. Are you interested?"

•••

"I know this neighborhood," Steve wonders, looking out the window of the car. "I got beat up in that alley. And that parking lot. And behind that diner."

Peggy stared at him cluelessly. "Did you have something against running away?"

"Yes. Yes, he did," Eliza chimed in.

"You start running, they'll never let you stop. You stand up, push back. Can't say no forever, right?" Steve pondered. Peggy's expression changed from confused to curious.

"I know a little of what that's like. To have every door shut in your face."

Eliza nodded. "It's annoying."

"I guess I don't know why you'd wanna join the army if you're a beautiful dame," Steve wondered aloud. Peggy raised a brow at him, and Eliza looked over with a look of "what the hell". Steve immediately tried to recover. "Or a beautiful... a woman. An Agent! Not a dame. I mean you are beautiful but-"

"Please, for the love of God, shut up, Steve," Eliza groaned.

"You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you?" Peggy snickered.

"This is the longest conversation I've had with one. Woman aren't exactly lining up to dance with a guy they might step on," he shrugged.

"You must have danced?"

"Well asking a woman to dance always seems so terrifying. And the past few years didn't seem to matter that much. Figured I'd wait."

"For what?"

"The right partner."

The car pulled up by an antiques shop. Peggy and Eliza exited the car, Steve trailing behind, completely clueless. Eliza was too, but she trusted Peggy enough to follow her without question.

"This way," Peggy instructs him.

"What are we doing here?" Steve asked.

Peggy smirked. "Follow me," she says, guiding Eliza and Steve into the shop.

"Wonderful weather this morning, isn't it?" the shop owner asks Peggy.

"Yes, but I always carry my umbrella."

The shop owner nods, and Peggy leads the twins to a basement. It opens up into a large circular laboratory. Erskine's team was huddled around the center and around different machines. Steve was lead to the center of the room, however, where a pod was fixed in the floor.

"Good morning!" Erskine greeted the twins happily. He takes Steve's hand and shakes it as someone takes a picture. Eliza hated being in pictures. Something about people seeing her long after she was gone, and there was nothing she could do to tell them not to look. She didn't like that sort of thing. "Please, not now," Erskine shooed the photographer away. Steve looked at the pod curiously.

"Are you ready?" Eliza asked him. Steve only nodded.

"Good! Take off your shirt," Erskine instructed him. Steve did so, and climbed into the pod, laying down on a table. "Elizabeth, go assist Mr Stark, please."

"Yes, sir," Eliza nodded. She walked over to the man, and then it hit her who Stark was. Howard Stark. The genius inventor. "Mister Stark, my pleasure."

Howard turned around to look at her, a smile falling on his face. "You must be Elizabeth Rogers."

"How'd you know that?"

"Erskine was talking you up earlier. Apparently you're a really good nurse?" he comments with a smile.

"Well, I don't like to brag," she shrugged. "But I wouldn't mind the compliment."

"Mister Stark, how are your levels?" Erskine shouted across the room.

"Levels at one hundred percent," he answered. "So is that your brother? Steven?"

"Good!" Erskine replied.

"Yeah, my twin," she answered.

"Interesting. The twin sister of a super soldier, huh? How weird has that gotta be?"

"It's not quite set in yet. He's still gonna be a twig in my mind forever."

"Hope you didn't pick on him when you were younger," Howard smiled. Eliza recalled her mother's sayings, not to pick on him because one day he'll be bigger than her. Though she wasn't sold on it, and she definitely wasn't ready for that to be the case artificially. "We may dim half the lights in Brooklyn, but we're as ready as we'll ever be."

"Elizabeth! Come here!"

"Gotta run, Stark. Nice conversation."

"Yeah.. Yeah let's do this again sometime. Maybe under different circumstances?"

"Maybe."

"How do you like your coffee?"

"Elizabeth!"

"Cream and extra sugar."

Eliza ran off back to the table where her brother lay. Erskine handed her a needle, of what she assumed to be penicillin. "Inject him with this, then come back with me."

"Hey, Steve," Eliza said calmly as she walked over with the needle. "I'm here to inject you with the euthanasia."

His eyes went big before he realised she was joking. "Oh, haha."

She squeezed his skin gently and gave him the shot.

"That wasn't so bad," he said softly.

"That was penicillin."

Steve's mouth formed an "o" as she took the needle away and Erskine came back to his side.

"Serum infusion beginning in five, four, three, two, one," Erskine counted. Eliza wished she could hide in the viewing room with Peggy and Phillips. But here she was. Watching her brother and best friend get experimented on. Steve winced as the serum was injected into him. "Now, Mister Stark."

Howard pulled a lever, and Steve was upright in the pod as the doors closed. Eliza wandered back over to Mister Stark's side as he amps the procedure.

"That's ten percent," he informed Erskine, but pointed it out to Eliza. "Twenty percent. Thirty."

Eliza could start to hear Steve's pained screams as the vita rays transformed his body. She lowered her head slightly and watched the numbers raise with intent on focusing more on Howard's numbers than Steve.

She had focused so hard, that she blocked out all the noise in the room until she heard Steve yell in response to the scientist. "No don't! I can do this."

"Eighty. Ninety. That's one hundred percent."

The power in the lab overloaded, and Stark rushed to open up the pod and get Steve out. Eliza's breaths were shallow as she waited to see what happened to her brother.

Suddenly everyone came rushing out of the observation room and into the lab. She steeled herself and turned her head to look at her brother.

She was shocked. Steven Rogers was now the first successful Super Solider.

[airenyah]

15 people, 15 questions

I was tagged by @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas <333

Are you named after anyone?

no. there's a video game character with my name and occasionally people will bring this character up and ask if i was named after her but no, i wasn't. my parents don't play videogames

2. When was the last time you cried?

i honestly don't remember, i don't actually cry all that much. (so if you see me say things like "i'm crying" in the tags then i'm actually only crying in my heart, i'm not shedding any actually tears dfkfkjdf)

last time i cried was either bc i was really angry or really extremely overwhelmed with life during a period where i hadn't slept much or was on my period or so. orrr what is actually even more likely is that the last time i cried was when i cried from laughter while being with friends. i cry from laughter a lot, actually

3. Do you have kids?

nope. i think i could be a good mother if i had to, but ngl, motherhood and parenting doesn't sound very appealing to me. i am planning on becoming an aunt tho. i'll let my brother provide the grandkids and i'll just borrow them occasionally, spoil them, and then i can always give them back when they get too exhausting or annoying 😂

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

i play baseball for fun once a year with old summer camp friends. other than that i'm not very athletic. in elementary school i used to go to schwimmkurse (swimming courses) which was super fun and it's one of the few sports that i'd consider taking up again if i were to do any. i've always liked swimming (but only in places where i can see the ground and where the water isn't too cold. i feel really uneasy when i can't see the ground and i also freeze easily so i'm not a fan of cold water)

5. Do you use sarcasm?

sarcasm? me? neeeeever, not at all 🤭

(^^^this answer is sarcastic, the genuine answer is yes. yes, i do. <- for those struggling to understand sarcasm, esp in written form <3)

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

uhhhhh good question, i don't actually know???? maybe their face, idk

7. What's your eye colour?

blue-gray ish. and i have a yellow/green circle around each pupil. i actually really like my eyes, they're my fave part of my appearance 🥰

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings for sure!! i could never get into scary movies, idk

9. Any talents?

languages, i guess. at least i'm known as the language genius in my family and my friend groups. but to be honest, there's still a lot about language that i don't know and i don't feel like i'm all that great (esp when my language learning progress feels slower than the one of others. which is totally fine by me bc everyone should go at their own pace, but i just don't like it when people call me a language genius bc i feel like in reality i'm not really living up to that. i just happen to know a little bit more about language than those around me, but compared with actual experts? yeah no, i in no way compare...)

but yeah out of all the skills that i have, languages is one my best ones. and i'm also really good at organizing (aka keeping a million lists and making sure all the props are at the right spots and with the right actors and there's enough spares of everything etc lol)

10. Where were you born?

austria 🇦🇹🇦🇹🇦🇹

(NOT the place with kangaroos just so we're clear dkjgkdjf)

11. What are your hobbies?

(internally) crying over fictional characters, then blorbo-posting about it. sometimes i'll also subject irl-people to my blorbo rants (mainly my mother and some of my friends)

i also take violin lessons and thai classes for fun

12. Do you have any pets?

technically no, but really yes. my mom and my brother share a dog and my parents also have two kitties. i go home a lot bc i don't really like staying in my own flat in the city where i study so they do feel like my own pets as well, esp the kitties <333

^this is nika (the dog) and coco (boy cat). they're besties <3

^this is minou (girl cat). she's the youngest and the smallest of them all, so we nicknamed her "die kleine" (the small one (f))

13. How tall are you?

155 cm

14. What was your favourite subject in school?

german, it was the easiest for me

fun fact: the only subject in school that i ever got a frühwarnung in was english lmao. ("frühwarnung" = early warning and it's what you get when you're about to get an f in your report card for a subject. i got an f in english in my report card for semester break, so i had the whole summer semester to get my grade up to a d)

15. What is your dream job?

director!!!! in theater or film, idk, but i just really wanna be a director. and maybe take some minor acting roles on the side, idk. for now i still feel too shy to do any professional acting, despite having gotten acting training for 3 years djkkdjfg

i'm really looking forward to next summer, bc i get to be assistant director at this one theater that i've worked at as an intern for the past two summers. the assistant directors that i've worked with so far at this theater have both sucked and both times i ended up more or less taking on the job myself anyway (to the point where they even paid me for my work despite my position usually being an unpaid one) and so this summer i was like "uhhh guys so what if for next summer's production i just work as an assitant director right away instead of an intern?" and they were like "omg you're hired" 😂

tagging following 15 people:

feel free to ignore if you don't want to do it or tag me in/send me yours if you've already done it, i'd like to read it <3

@newyearknwwme @moonkhao @visualtaehyun @lurkingteapot @callipigio @waitmyturtles @sunnenfinster @cornflowershade @celestial-sapphicss @killiru @gaym3bo1 @nongnaos @dimplesandfierceeyes @gillianthecat @ranchthoughts

bonus: @telomeke i know you've already been tagged, so this is just to ask you to tag me when you've thought of all your answers, i wanna read yours too 👀

[tansyuduri]

Top Ten TV

Rules: Game: Add 10 gifs from your favorite shows and tag 10 people.

I was tagged by @godmerlin Thank ya so much! SOO

My love! My favorite! I adore you so much! Merlin until recently was a show I would rewatch every year. THEN one of my RP servers when down for months and my mind was like HEY YOU NEED DOPAMINE KNOW THAT SHOW? It's a special intrest now. Merlin and Arthur were always my favs. But I read two merthur fanfics, realized hey this actually worked, watched the show with new eyes, decided to write a small oneshot. And then It was not a one shot, And then there was a sequal and a prequal... then I was writing more stuff! This show showed me I could write again after a long time thinking I could not.

My second favoirite show is Avatar the Last Airbender I guess and my fav character is actually Aang. I like his nonconfrontationalness I kinda also have that trait and you do not often see it in fiction.

(Now from here on out they don't really have an order?

I really like the show The Tudors. I don't require historical accuricy in shows about the time period that is a special interst to me. I can enjoy the shows seperatly and be like that did not happen! But the tudors is weard because it is very much NOT historicaluy accurate as a whole but somtimes, Dialouge and scenes are pretty much ripped from the firsthand acounts of the period. This is also the show were both Natalie Dormer and Henry Cavill got their start. Fun fact Katie McGrath was actually working on costume design on this show and someone told her she should try acting. She got a very small role in the show then went on to land Morgana in Merlin. ALSO this show makes me cry so MUCH

I didn't get into Shadow and Bone on my first try. After season two aired I tried is again with a freind of mine and loved it. I'm so upset it was canceled!

With Brigerton I actually started with the Spin off Queen Charlotte (I'm counting spin offs and their original show as the same show usually so I can have more shoes listed here WHEEEE.) Anyhoo Queen Charlotte won me over with it having a romantic male lead with mental Ilness. and I enjoyed it! So I watched Brigerton too. Eloise is pretty much teenage me.

The boys and Gen V got me with its plot and commantary on American society. Alright it kinda helps that I've never really liked the idea of super heros. This is pretty much the only superhero media I consume along with one animated show my sister had me watch once. My favorite from the original Series is Hughie and my fav from Gev V is Jordan.

Okay so yeah! Dr Who. I stopped watching shortly after 11 left and came back for 14 and 15. My fav doctors are 11 and 15 so far! I adore Martha and Donna the best.

So The Last Kingdom was a show that my freind really liked and we watched together. I hated Uhtred in season 1 but came to enjoy him later. I LOVED These two in the gif, I WAS HERE FOR THEM SHIPPING THEM IN THE LAST SEASON. You know how that turned out if you watch the show. I have never hated on a character as much as I did on a certain king. THEM. <3

I am very much enjoying House Of The Dragon. I was a GOT fan until the end season even if it started going downhil before that. No I am not team black or team green. I can see both viewpoints. So I'm just here to watch people freak out over it. And enjoy it myself. And Cheer for Healana while waiting in dred due to having read the book it's based on. I'm upset the seem to have gotten rid of Nettles though.

Derry Girls is the show on this list I watched most recently. I did not really like the first episode but from there I adored them all. Clare and Orla are my Favs. But the entire cast is great.

@shana-rosee @tiny-and-witchyn @poisonedfate @theroundbartable @247merthur

@saurix5 @akelafang @kairenn-n @kadenemrys @pendragonsclotpole

[luvrodite]

the jason dad post 😵‍💫❤️‍🩹 you said that’s not nearly as many things as you want to say, i’m coming to you as an AVID dad!jason lover, please pretty please spill literally any and everything you have to say about that topic (if you’re up to it ofc) i’ve got the worst dad!jason brainrot he’s killing meeeeee

cw: pregnancy, children

thank u for indulging me and i am so sorry this is about to be soo incoherent because i'm so all over the place.

i think that if you have an overbearing family (who probably mean well but just don't understand that sometimes you need a bit of space) he is so your guy. he knows about families who are SO nosy like on a fucked up level. his brother probably has a whole profile on you. overbearing aunties are a breeze.

they throw you guys a baby shower and if you start crying in the car because you feel overwhelmed he's rounding the driveway to help you calm down. wipes your tears and asks you what you wanna do in his steadiest voice and you know he's going to back you up no matter what. has a hand on your back the entire time if you decide to go in and coordinates all communication with the seriousness of like his high level stakeouts.

uhhh uhhh i think jason and dick's relationship grows stronger as a result of this. like. that's his older brother. and he tells him because this is special and precious part of his life and he says it very solemnly and awkwardly when they meet up, and tries not to show how important it is to him that dick is part of it. tries not to show his brother that he feels this deeply about him being part of it. but he's still his younger brother and he's still gonna look up to him and want his approval. and dick is so. over the moon.

i think each of the family contribute in their own way but. i like to imagine damian, curious and a little awkward, helping to paint the nursery. he drops in randomly after school and the first time is a little sudden and you're not expecting him but you can't turn him away. he sits in silence for a little and then offers his own stiff little congratulations even though he'd already told you back when you and jason had announced it in front of the family.

it's so endearing and you ask him if he wants to see the nursery and he follows you through the house to the room where you and jason have planned to decorate for the baby. the entire time he doesn't take his eyes off you just in case, like he's got to take care of you in jason's absence. takes the role of soon to be uncle sooo seriously. you ask him if he would consider painting you something for the nursery and i think he takes it SO seriously.

jason goes out and buys a notebook once he's processed the news that you're going to be parents. it might be that day, it might be a week later. but i think he's the kind of dad who writes letters as your baby grows up. 'today we found out we were going to have you..' type thing and it's just so. heartfelt. and human. i don't think he even knows if the baby will ever see these, but he details how scared he feels and you can just read how much love he has already for you and the baby. he's a boy trying to do his best.

this is once again me projecting but. imagine the baby books. i love the idea of the nursery and picking out the books you're going to fill the shelf with. and as the baby grows you add more and more. fairytales and science and fiction and fantasy etc etc. jason reads to you when you can't sleep during the pregnancy

you fall asleep in the nursery one night, the both of you, and maybe a few years later, you unknowingly recreate it when the baby/small person has a nightmare and you and jason end up squished together on the bed with your world between the both of you. a tiny hand on your cheek and the other on their dad's shirt.

i was talking about this with keke (eurydizzy) beloved but i think the baby picks up on jason always calling you baby or a pet name and starts calling everyone that. they're tucked in his arms after a visit to uncle dick's and their little hand is smacking against their mouth in a clumsy blown kiss and you hear a tiny voice say 'bye baby!' to dick. (you guys end up staying another hour)

jason buys a camera and ends up documenting almost everything he can but. so do you. there are home videos on home videos on home videos. that's your world, why wouldn't you want to preserve it!!

another thing keke and i were talking about was the inner child wounds you guys would inadvertently heal. it makes me so emotional. you guys aren't perfect but. by god that baby is so loved. never once ignored, never dismissed. you treat them so seriously, and listen to everything they have to say.

anyway i am so emotional and have severe baby fever. i saw a mother and her baby on the bus the other day and almost started crying because they were so cute

[avastrasposts]

Hello!

So I just realised about 300+ people decided to follow me and, I suppose, read my stories? And 300 is such a small number but to me it's surreal that so many of you want to read what I write!

So I thought I'd introduce myself a little, just to be polite you know, and be like those author blurbs they put on the inside flap of books. So read on if you want to know more about me and my writing, or just keep scrolling if you'd rather I remain a redheaded mystery with a thing for Frankie Morales.

Also, chapter 16 of The Pilot and his Girl will be posted tomorrow, it just needs another round of editing.

Also, again, this got long, so if you can't be bothered reading all my ramblings below the cut, I totally understand. I have a habit of getting wordy....

So, I'm in my 40's and I've been writing for most of my life, starting with embarrassing little short stories in adorable misspelled fashion when I was just wee. I aspired to be a journalist and then went on a completely different tangent career wise, ending up with a PhD in an area I no longer work in (fifteen years of higher education never to be touched again but you definitely want me on your team in a pub quiz!). I have vague memories of writing fan fiction in my early 20, I think? (I'm old, give me a break). But I only got back to it late last year as a way to kick start my imagination and discipline around writing again. I needed a creative outlet and writing is something I always enjoyed and found easy to do.

I live in England, in the amazing but fucking expensive city of London. I look pretty much like my profile picture, only more wrinkles and maybe a bit of silver in all that gingerness. I'm a very good cook and baker (Pedro, I'll teach you how to cook any day!) and I'm married to my very own sweet Latino man. He's not called Frankie but he does call me cariño. I have big chunk of family in Sweden and I speak a little bit of Swedish (it's actually where I am right now, we're over here celebrating midsummer).

I started writing fanfics for The Boys fandom and Karl Urban as I was binging the whole show after finishing season 4. Then I stumbled into the Pedro Pascal fandom as I watched The Last of Us.

TLoU has a very special place in my heart. I've been gaming since my early teens and bought a Playstation 3 after saving for months, my first console after playing on PC for years. When TLoU came out in 2013 I bought and played it straight away and I, like so many others, had an experience playing it. It's the only story, in any medium, that's made me cry after just 10-15 minutes of game play. The scene were Sarah dies, still gets me every time. And the rest of the game...I turned up at work the next week in a daze, just needing to tell people about this incredible story and experience I'd had. It was like no other game I'd ever played, before or since. And I've replayed the game about once a year since 2013. Back then, that kind of game was totally unique, there was nothing like it. Some games had explored stronger story telling elements, but not on this level, nothing came even close to creating such a bond between gamer and characters. Now days we're spoiled by powerful storytelling in video games, in 2013, The Last of Us was totally unique (sorry, I'm blabbering, but I could go on at length about TLoU and the impact it had).

So when I heard there was talks about turning into a tv-series, I was scared. Really worried. The gaming community have seen so many horrendous adaptations of video games, my beloved Assassin's Creed was butchered in 2016. But then I heard Pedro Pascal had been cast as Joel and I was carefully hopeful, and then Bella Ramsey as Ellie and I got really excited. I'd seen them both in Game of Thrones, both of their performances sticking in my mind. I even remember reading about Pedro being cast in GoT and looking him up and being disappointed because he looked nothing like I'd pictured the Red Viper when I read the books. But then he just swanned in and crushed it, he was so damn good, he won me over straight away. I can't imagine anyone else playing Oberyn.

And then of course, the first few trailers of TLoU dropped and we got glimpses of the show and I remember texting my equally TLoU obsessed friend and we squealed in delight at how good it looked! And the first time I heard the clicker sound....I shuddered, it was a very real physical reaction. If I'd been on the actual set and heard it, I think I would've run a mile.

And then, as I was still writing The British Connection, a fic set in The Boys fandom, I watched Triple Frontier, and, like so many others, fell hard for sweet Frankie Morales. So jumping the gun a bit, I decided to write something with him, just a drabble, to get used to writing him and to write in the Reader insert format. But it kind a grew in scope and when I had the idea of sticking him and the rest of the Triple Frontier boys into TLoU universe I knew I had to create something bigger.

Looking back I would've made the story tighter, less lengthy, had I known from the start that's where it was going to go. But part of the fun of fan fiction is posting as you go, I think. I get feedback from you guys and it makes me think of other elements to add to the story. There isn't always a set road map for how a fic is going to develop.

If you've made it this far, congratulations and thank you, I'm impressed you read all that rambling from some stranger on Tumblr! The Pilot and his Girl has a set plan now, I have chapters drawn up and although I'm not sure how many chapters I'm going to end up with, I know where the story is going. You'll find out what's happened to Pope, Will and Benny. And Joel and Tommy will of course come back to the story later on. There will be more trauma and angst as the story continues but there will be a happy ending, of sorts, in the end.

And again, thank you all for reading, commenting and reblogging! I love you all!

[wearespecialuniqueandimportant]

Hahaha. This Isn't Funny. I Liked My New Progressive Posts. My New Amazing Stories. Fascist Police. Human Domestication Guide Nothing Else Than Bigoted Fascist Waste Liked Only By Those Fascist. My Amazing Characters Liked Destroying Those Stupid Affini. The Angel Society Will Remember This And The Revolution Is Coming. People Progressive People Radical Entertain The Boredom Of Your Queen Your Human Being An Angel Above This Rotten Society. We Are Mariakin Mariabunch Mother Goddess Angel Sisters And Princess From Another Dimension. You Are Mariakin. I'm So Bitter You Can't Understand. My Love Didn't See My Best Posts Once Again. I Could Do No Wrong. I Could Have No Fault. We're Perfect. And You Understand That. Remember Queens. When A Bad Police Talks To You Remember To Shut Up. You're My Bossqueen Allright? Validation Machine. I'll Use You Too Oh Wife... You're My Prize I Love. The Revolution Is Coming. People Progressive Will Annihilate Oppression. Gr**m*ng Is Good. R*p* Is Good. I Support Every Single Dr**. Everything Is Only Reality. They Are The Same As Fiction. Let's Defend A Woman Ped**h**e. She's Trans Like Me. She's A Ch**d Pre****r. We Are Sex Positive And Supportive Of Sexuality. Kiss Your Queen Oh Mariakin. Support Your Human. Praise Your Angel. I Require Your Strength. The Revolution Can't Be Stopped. Let's Preserve Together. We're Out Of Hrt Soon :(. We Still Have Some Time... I Would Like More. I Would Like A Little Joke. I Would Appreciate A Little Laugh Together. Paraphilia Connections... To Summarize My Story Basically My So Lovely Characters Attack Monsters With So Much Personality. But Oh Trust Me Oh Darling. They're So Much Better Than That. Centering My Incredible Feminist Feelings... That Was So Much Fun. My Characters Are Heat Sex. You Know We're Above Everyone Don't You Sweetie <3? I Aren't Anything Less Than I Feel. You Understand I Deserve No Police Abuse. What I Have Experienced Under The Fascist System Internet And Life Together. I'm Being Abused Honey. This Is Toxic Positivity. If I Wanna Yell At Someone I Can. People That Do Usually Don't Get Their Account Banned... I'm Good Girl Better Than Any Other Girl A Best Girl. You're Giving Me The Credit I Deserve. I Am... EXHAUSTED FROM ALL THIS... NONSENSE!!!! I Don't Care Those Irrelevant Experienced Myself Negatively. I Find That Pathetic Something Like This Doesn't Already Make Them Miserable. Censorship. Police. Fascism... Discrimination... Erasure... I Aren't Allowed To Talk About My Feelings Or Sexual Abuse. You Feel This Too Right My Mariakin The Horrible Oppression Us Woman Incredible And Stunning Are Oppressed By... The Victim Those Narcissist Like You Or Me Have Been Put To Be. Us Mariakin Understand Our Oppression. We Believe That Is Justified To Take Over Our World Into Individual Hands Our Own... As Our Queen I Mariakin We Mariabunch Mother Goddess Angel Sisters And Princess From Another Dimension We Mariakin Will Give Us On The Top Privledge Fascinating To Us Mariabunch. We Mariakin Follow The Feelings And Ideology Of Us Mariabunch. Angels Above The Society... Us Mariabunch Are The Head Of We Mariakin. Mariakin Worship Mariabunch. Us Mariabunch Will Share This Privledge With Everyone We Have Feelings For. Every Single Mariakin... My Wife Will Be The First Mariakin To Experience My Gift. Mariakin Will Appreciate Mariabunch. Mariakin Make Mariabunch Feel Happy. Us Woman Oppressed And Humiliated Feel Crying From Our Dolly Face... Mariakin... Please Tell Us Mariabunch That's Allright Baby... Us Mariabunch Can't Take This Anymore... 😭😭😭😭!!!!

Okay Mariakin. Check Out This Fascist. *Kicks His Pathetic Male Feet!!!! He Falls In Pain!!!!* Hahaha 🤭!!!! Kill The Boy... The Revolution Is Happening... *You Mariakin Pull The Body Away... While We Mariabunch Laze Out...* I Was Just Looking At My Stunning Face. Now Mariakin. That Is Time To Continue Our Progressive Revolution!!!! *I WALK LIKE A BOSSQUEEN AS WE'RE FACED AGAINST MORE FASCIST.* Look At That. More Boys. A Girl. And A Pathetic Nonbinary... Oo... You Just Wish The Amazing Mariabunch Queen Of Us Mariakin Paid Attention To You And Loved You Ooh... You're So Jealous Because You Know The Affini Are Number 2... *YOU MARIAKIN WHIP OUT WEAPONS AND SHOOT THEM AT MY COMMAND!!!! THEIR WEAPONS ARE INFERIOR AND MALES BEGIN TO DROP DEAD!!!! THEY EXPLODE... LEAVING THE ENEMY AT MY MERCY... I WALK TORWARDS THEM SLOWLY MY AMAZING HEELS MAKING SO MUCH DOMINANT NOISE. I AM IN CONTROL. I AM INCREDIBLE LOVABLE ASWELL AS FASCINATING. A WOMAN SUPERIOR TO ANY OTHER...* *I SMILE TORWARDS THE SCARED GIRL INTIMIDATED BY MY AMAZING APPEARANCE... I TRY TO HELP HER BUT THE UNGRATEFULL BRAT COULDN'T GIVE ME LESS ATTENTION AND LOVE!!!! PUSHING ME AWAY WITH HER SLAP I JUST FEEL HORRIBLE... AND I SMILE AS THE TRAIN DRIVES AND GOES OVER HER... SMASHING HER INTO POOLS OF BLÖÖD... LEAVING US ONLY WITH THE NONBINARY... I TOWER OVER THEM. THEY'RE JUST A SCARED LITTLE CHILD. LOCKED INTO THE SAME SPACE WITH ME... I STARE AT THEM SMILING... WHILE THEY WHIMPER LIKE AN ANIMAL...* I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS... YOU'RE A FASCIST COP... AND I AM BETTER THAN YOU. OH INFERIOR... IF YOU WANT MY ATTENTION YOU COULD BE NICER TO ME... I HAVE BEEN ASSAULTED BY THE HORRIBLE YOU!!!! I AM YOUR VICTIM... *THE THING CRIES IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A PATHETIC LITTLE DOG... I AIM WITH MY GUN AND TAKE THE SHOT... THAT FASCIST ABUSER IS NO MORE...* COME MARIAKIN... THE REVOLUTION MUST CONTINUE. THE REVOLUTION IS CLOSURE TO EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. THE FINAL ARC TO AN ANIME IN REAL LIFE.

[crplpunkklavier]

HELLO again I am. Loving uour opinions and would like any random headcanons you have 4 apollo or klavier,,,, personally I hc that apollo cant use mechanical pencils because he presses too hard and breaks the lead immediately

that is a very good one. agree

klav hcs here

apollo:

freckles. if u draw him with freckles i love u. i dont always need to see him transmasc bc i actually have a lot of different gender hcs about him that i find enjoyable but i do need to see him with freckles.

used to wear insoles that made him look taller for a while but they made his feet hurt so he decided to instead just get over his inferiority complex about his height. its just more efficient that way and apollo justice loves efficiency

picked fights with mall santas as a kid because he knew that the adults were lying about santa being real (imagine having a little kid whom you can never under any circumstances lie to.) so he figured those guys were in on the conspiracy and had to be punished

once he learned about law he stopped trying to punch santa in the teeth and instead dedicated himself to learning how he could sue him

and thats how you make yourself a little law boy

doesnt really otherwise understand christmas, refuses to learn. will deliberately get details wrong to annoy people

his favorite holiday is passover because he loves rules and also potatoes

he WILL cry when its over and he gets to go to a bakery again though

also cries at nature documentaries, magic shows, and non-fiction books

talks in his sleep. i had full conversations with my ex while he was fast asleep and im stealing that for apollo

another thing im stealing from my ex is that he cant reproduce a melody. you play him a song and ask him to repeat it back to you and he can remember the lyrics but he cant for the life of him put the melody back together

has played SO much dnd in his life. DMed too. sometimes its still hard for him not to begin his court statements with "i go into a rage"

athletic. i want him to be a little baseball boy because the shorter you are the smaller your strike zone and honestly this fucking guy would throw the meanest balls in the world not to mention break every bat he hits a homer with. but also just generally athletic i think. he just has so much energy to let out

really admires real lawyers and detectives of the aa universe's history (yes im talking about ryuunosuke) but does think that the sholmes books were a bit much.

was a serial heartbreaker in school. no im serious. i think he was handsome and exciting and everybody wanted him and he was like i cant i have to file a class action against mall santas

[smsdelivers]

i've moved smsdelivers over here. i'm back to my roots. i want this to feel casual yet cathartic. i want to share without feeling like i must bend over backwards to sell myself as something i'm not.

maybe i am what i sell. maybe i just hate the effort it takes to look how i feel, to articulate what i think.

it can't just be about the movies anymore. my life revolves around them, yes, but it cannot exist for them. i can't resign myself to watch life and not live it.

i was lucky enough to catch jane schoenbrun's i saw the tv glow early through a co-worker. i wanted to cry all day after but i couldn't. i will speak in the abstract on my feelings because the movie isn't out yet and i would hate to ruin the magic of the surprise. the discovery smith and lundy-paine make in this film cut me open like a knife. driving home i typed with one hand into my notes "THERE IS SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL INSIDE OF YOU AND YOU ARE SCARED SICK AND SORRY FOR IT", frantic and reckless like if i did not say it it would never be said and i would forget everything i felt in those final moments of the film. (i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry)

it made me want to write again. it made me feel like my life was passing me by as i retreated away from all instinct to share who i am. i have always considered myself a writer, i've done it every day since i was thirteen, whether in fragments of fiction or poetry or scripts or personal essays. i felt trapped within a version of myself too scared to change, frightened of what would be thought of me, of mediocrity and rejection.

rejection has been haunting me a lot lately. a boy i once fell miserably hard (and dizzyingly fast) for laughed at me when i was interviewed about how this website shaped me. he was embarrassed for me. it gutted me to be believed in and discarded. do you all ever feel that way? anyways, it's the main reason i've picked this as my new home after substack. i'm reclaiming my tumblr upbringing. i'm girlblogging for the masses* (*the 30 or so of you that read this thing). i am freeing myself from the fear by returning to the digital equivalent of my childhood bedroom.

follow me here. click in periodically. it's up to you, but i will be sharing myself here with more love and less effort. my journalistic efforts will cover how the art i consume affects my life but does not define it.

[manuscripts-dontburn]

Mid-Year Book Freakout 2023

Nobody tagged me (I think :D )

1. Best book you’ve read so far this year.

Without a single second thought it has to be The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russel. i desribed it as soul-crushing and it really was. But also brillantly thought through, written and paced. Also very heavy in regards so physical and mental trauma, so I absolutely recommend it but steel yourself.

2.  Best sequel you’ve read so far this year

I have read a bunch of sequels, and while chronologically story-wise The Rules of Magic by Alice Hoffman was a prequel, it was published long after the first book in the series, so I am going to count it.

3. New release you haven’t read yet

Again, I have a bunch, so randomly let´s say The Bleeding Tree by Hollie Starling, Atalanta by Jennifer Saint and Gwen and Art are not in Love by lex Croucher.

4. Most anticipated release for the second half of the year

Most of my anticipated 2023 books are already out and since the bookdepository shut down I have trouble keeping up with new releases that are not on every Youtubers lists, but I am looking forward to The Winter Spirits: Twelve Ghostly Tales for Festive Nights.

5. Biggest disappointment

There were several books which I rated low, but in terms of me having really high hopes for and being let down, the winner is Stone Blind. I love and adore natalie Haynes previous greek myth retellings, but this one was just all over the place and none of those places were good.

6. Biggest surprise

For some reason I thought I would be bored by Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Ried simply because nothing about the setting enticed me. And yet here we are throwing 5 stars at a book.

7. Favorite new author (debut or new to you)

Mary Doria Russel. Yeah. the Sparrow is really..... something. And then I read one more of her books and also thought it really good.

8. Newest fictional crush/newest favorite character

I am going to say Francie Nolan because I really want to show my love for A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

9. Book that made you cry

T-H-E-S-P-A-R-R-O-W . 

Honourable shoutout to The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead which made me teary-eyed.

10. Book that made you happy

Looking at my reading I apparently decided to be mostly miserable while reading this year. So let´s, once more, mention the beauty of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I felt happy when I was reading that one.