#i am not doing good at all | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fabcreature · 1 year ago

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you know, over the summer i had a big crying session roughly every two weeks, bc i was rly stressed out about starting school and feeling like i'm not good enough and i'm gonna fail spectacularly. and i was like "damn, i've been crying a lot lately". but while the fear and self hatred were very much real, a small, more rational part of me did think "it's gonna get better once i start school, i'll realize i've been freaking out over nothing, it's gonna be fine really".

now i've been going to school a little over a month and um. now i cry like. every day? i either cry in the car after school or at night in bed, or both. once i did already on my way to school. every day i feel either tired, sad, or angry, or two of the above, or all or the above. never none of the above though. the hating of myself and feeling like i'm going to fail has not gone away. if anything i'd say it's a little stronger now? i'm just constantly stressed about everything all the time. there's too much going on all at once. while our school has lots of great aspects and great things, i really do feel like i hate my school, the bits that are bad are just so fucking. so fucking bad. so i'm just annoyed and stressed and sad. genuinely good days are a very rare occurence now.

i was just about to cry myself to sleep but had to stop and get up cus i started seriously hyperventilating.

funny how life turns out huh

#sorry for ranting about my misery except i'm not sorry because this is my blog and i do whatever the fuck i want #the slapping Myself In The Face When I'm Frustrated habit has come back stronger than ever 👍#i was raised to never quit stuff and like. hold onto stuff you've commited to. so like #whatever it is in life i'm used to just always pushing through no matter what #i'm wondering if this one's gonna be my breaking point #am i finally gonna reach the point. where i just. can't anymore #if i can just power through this that will be really impressive #because i am just #so tired #i am so tired all the time #i'm just so desperate to not be at school. and yet i have signed up to a thing that will have me spending more time at school #it's important to me and i don't wanna skip out on it but #by god i'm just tired #and i'm sad and #angry and #god i wish i knew how to scream #god i wish i could go outside at night and both be and feel safe #god i wish i could stop time #i am not doing good #i am not doing good at all #fuck #eg posts

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bizarrebazaar13 · 30 days ago

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what if your doppelgänger wasn’t evil it was just a person. what if your doppelgänger wasn’t trying to replace you it was just trying to learn to be a person and you were the best model it had. what if your doppelgänger looked at you with your eyes and said with your voice that it just wanted to be loved. what then.

#aelan speaks #fornax cain #fun fact i used to think imposter syndrome was more literal #not so much “i don’t deserve this good thing and i’ve somehow tricked people into thinking i do”#but more like “i am straight up not a person and everyone knows it”#“and i am TRYING to be a person but i can’t get it right and they all KNOW and i should not be here but i don’t know where else to go”#anyway i was a normal child

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 8 months ago

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Hey now, Let her cook!

#dungeon meshi #chilchuck tims #senshi #laios touden #marcille donato #izutsumi #oyasumi punpun #<- In case you are wondering what the source for the little bird guy is.#Yeah that's right. I'm back to my extremely obscure crossover BS.#Punpun is one of those series that falls under the category of 'Good! but I cannot responsibly recommend this to anyone."#If Dungeon Meshi is like a friend asking you to go on a quick errand and you accidently go on a life changing roadtrip -#Punpun is your friend asking to go on a quick errand and they pull up to the vet and tell you your dog is being put down.#Then they explode into sludge. Melting your car. You hitchhike back but the person who picked you up is an axe murderer.#I could not finish it. My friends who did say it was good. But agree it was for the best I did not finish it.#Hey speaking of tone twists...We are one episode away from one of my favourite chapters being animated!#WHO'S READY FOR THE SENSHI BACKSTORY! WHO IS READY TO CRY!#ME! I AM! I spooked my flatmate with how energetic I was this morning. I'm vibrating with energy I was not designed to contain.#I should talk about today's episode here: It was very good. I love how they animated the familiars.#And!!! Anime only people now are in the loop on the Chilchuck lore. Part 1 of many. He still contains multitudes.#They all do to be honest! If this episode told us anything it was that we still don't know these characters as well as we think!#See you guys next week. I'll be inconsolable.

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verflares · 8 months ago

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just how long is forever? // not long enough, with you

pssst. check this out on inprnt :]

#pssst also. you should click/zoom on this. for better quality and to see all my silly little details :] hooty hoo #this is my totkversary thing im just too impatient to wait till the 12th LOL. big shoutout to this game tht has ruined my life. and zelink.#zelink #light dragon #link #zelda #loz #totk #princess zelda #totk spoilers #link totk #zelda totk #tears of the kingdom #loz fanart #i had soooo much fun drawing this i really did. i think this is a good capstone piece for how much ive improved so far this year #i still have a long ways to go ofc but. i am pleased ^_^ nd i am glad i can use zink like experiments to do so hehe #anyway. YURI FOREVERRRRR BITCH #my art

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mad-serotonin · 10 months ago

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Take It Easy☀️

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nothingbizzare · 12 days ago

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You have a good heart

#is just something i felt about thinking ...do i have a good heart #do i need to change or should i still be like this #people tell me i am kind but what if i am actually selfish and never did stuff out of kindness #what if all i thought i did because i thought was right it was wrong #but peopel still say #“you have a good heart ”#i think Mob would think about it sometimes #nothingbizzare art #mp100 #artist on tumblr #mob psycho 100 #mp100 fanart #mob psycho fanart #shigeo kageyama #kageyama shigeo

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hinamie · 5 months ago

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long way home

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #yuji itadori #megumi fushiguro #itafushi #fushiita #fanart #jjk fanart #jujutsu kaisen fanart #megumi #yuuji #maybe doing bg studies is the activity of choice while waiting fr leaks its so good 2 zone out n not think fr hours #can't stress about canon if you're busy studying window grates and ac units #this ws gonna start as a more train station-y piece #but as i am wont to do i got swept up during my pinterest dive #brought me further and further in2 small town train crossings and i thought they looked so cute #so i am like. puts itfs there :)#i love the idea of them just . meandering whatever quiet town they end up settling down tgt in post-canon #discovering hidden alleys n meeting all the strays holding hands th entire time....#i am manifesting PEACE and TRANQUILITY goddamn it #also i realized after the last domestic itfs series tht my use of red is at an all time low?????? leaning heavy in2 the green/yellow lately #here also . but i like the lil pops of red i included i think it centers them #happy w this!! happy w my me!! as long as i ignore the fact that indoor environments exist maybe backgrounds arent all tht bad :3

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nedlittle · 1 month ago

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#ice ice baby #polls #pls rb i want a good sample size #we can't ALL die of scurvy it's not mathematically possible! someone has to succumb to exposure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also i could have included sooooo many more medical ailments i am being restrained #it could be its own separate poll #anyway so many of these are me and i would love to die of some horrible disease but i would fall into a crevasse #i do not look where i walk and there have been multiple occasions in my life where i have unintentionally climbed into a ravine & got stuck #one of which i had to us tree roots to climb up a rock face and i should have fallen and died #the other option was getting washed away by the tide lmao #and i was too embarrassed to call my boss for help #hi andrea can you send a boat to come get me i'm stuck at the bottom of hole in the wall and can't get back up #greatest (s)hits

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floccinaucinihilipilificationa · 1 year ago

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#good omens #´hello friends!! how are you!!#I hope you're doing well! ( ´ ▽ ` )#I have a big cough but otherwise I am good! It's nothign bad I am just very slimey #usually I am not a cough person I am not sure where this is coming from #most of the time I just get a stuffy nose #has my nose gotten stronger #but there are good news too I have already found a VERY good chestnut to put into my pocket this autumn!! its very small! (❁´▽`❁)#it's been a very warm autumn in Germany so far so it has not really felt like fall yet #but yesterday it was all rainy and stormy and I had two new books and it was the best day possible to have a slimey cough (:#and now I feel SO much autumn I am close to buying a set of window colors #I do not know what I would to with the window colors I just have this strong urge in me to buy a window color set #the last time I did a window color was at the birtday of a class mate I think she turned 9 and I made a deer #but for some reason we did this craft 5 minutes before we all had to leave so we had to carry our window color deer home wet #unfortunatly for the deer and me I fell down the stairs of her house and smeared the deer all over me and i screamed the entire drive home #which wasn't very long but it probably felt very long for the mother who had a screaming child covered in window color deer inside her car

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courfee · 6 months ago

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17 December 1975 / 15 May 1976

#hp #marauders #sirius black #regulus black #black brothers #sirius black fanart #regulus black fanart #marauders fanart #the black brothers #marauders era #my art #black borthers angst #mine #sirius and regulus #jsyk what you see there in the background actually is the sky you would see on the above dates from islington #i specifically chose the dates cause sirius wouldnt be visible anymore at that point #and he could have totally run away already by that point being 16 and all #also because i am such a nerd who has to get things correctly that is actually more or less the view you would have from claremont square #grimmauld place #took me for fucking ever to find some good references above the roofs and i still had to improvise a lot #originally i had an inbetween slide with regulus watching james and sirius walking together having fun in the great hall #but i didnt do more than just a very rough sketch of that it somehow didnt fit sorry #(also i am still not 100% happy with especially the first one but ive tried so long to fix it i eventually had to give up...)

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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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egophiliac · 9 months ago

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IT WAS ERIC AFTER ALL!!!! I'm so glad we got to meet him (before Vil snaps him away with those Infinity Gauntlets) (can't wait to see what happens when we get the matching Infinity Tiara to go with them, there will be no survivors)

(sorry to be so slow/rough lately, just got a lot of stuff on the ol' brain at the moment! alas, if only I could spend all my time drawing incredibly stupid characters I mean I do but)

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #tapis rouge #i know these are not my best but by god i needed to draw ~daddo venue~#he is a treat! can't wait for him to yell at us for screwing up a shoot or whatever the last-minute disaster will be #i am SO HAPPY it turned out to be about movies after all! ...i mean sort of anyway #i'll take what i can get (and i do enjoy twst trying to be all cute about snow whAHEM i mean beautiful queen) (i see you there twst)#(also to be fair it actually wasn't poisoned in historial-revisionism-twstland so i think we can trust this apple. a+ acting eric)#anyway we are still. very solidly in the 'stand around and talk about the wallpaper for three hours' part of the event.#but HEY we got to meet eric! i was not really expecting it to be him so i am VERY pleased #also god help me i did think the shopping montage as portrayed by a rhythmic where they literally SKIP down the street was hilarious #there's a lot of Choices that were made in this event and that was a good one

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galaxyspeaking · 1 year ago

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