#i am moving in a month so I'm going to focus my efforts more for the next two weeks so its not such a difficult transition later

[spitefulfitness]

Most of my state is in a heat advisory and it was fine when I started walking, but once I switched to running it got too hot so I cut it at a mile. If it cools off this evening, I'll go for a longer walk to reach my step goal for today.

It's been two months since I last ran due to stress and medical stuff, but I'm glad to back up and (literally) running.

I started adding some yoga too to help my body recover and increase my mobility/flexibility. Ive also been trying to at the very least make it out every day to go for a walk until i reach 8000-10000 steps. I want to try some intermittent fasting but it's a little challenging when my part time summer job involves making catering orders 😬

Glad to be back with it, though! 😊

Sw:188.7

Cw. 181.5

Gw1: 175

Gw4: 145

[wingedjellyfishflight]

The Couch

Your official job is as a psychiatrist, but not a single one of the men who visit you care about that. They don't care about you at all. They just want... your cozy damn couch. Every time you walk in the room, there is a big burly man sleeping or lounging on it. Rarely, it is a woman. This time, there are three of them fighting over it. You sigh and submit a request for three more couches. When the supply officer asks why, you claim it is for group sessions. He sends one couch over. It is almost as comfortable as the original, and they take to it quickly.

You stop in your tracks the day you spot a KorTac man sitting nervously on the couch. So far, only Price's team and his associated strays have taken advantage of the open couch. You smile briefly before moving to sit at your desk.

"I'm here if you want to talk, but the couch is open to whomever wants a nap or to relax. No talking required." He nods, slightly more relaxed, and you focus on your computer. When you look up later, you see he has laid down and fallen asleep, his soft snores filling the room. After that, you send in another request and another for more couches and a couple of reclining chairs. You are denied. They tell you to just bring in folding chairs. You decide to use your paycheck and bring in something more comfortable than folding chairs.

The next week, you are struggling to get a reclining chair down the hall as silently as possible when you freeze, a chill running down your back. Turning, you see Ghost standing only a foot away, silently watching with his arms crossed.

"I got a new chair." Your bright smile seems to just bounce off his broad chest, but you pay no mind to him, turning back to the task at hand. You get a few feet further and glance back to say something witty, but Ghost is gone. Another few feet, and you are bodily lifted by a set of strong arms before Ghost and König pick up the chair and carry it to your office with no effort. You thank them and ask if they would be willing to help you with one more thing since they are here. Rolling their eyes, they follow you.

Proudly, you show them the three large boxes that you bought. The men are not amused. Their body language switches from annoyed to almost angry when you pick up one of the boxes. König nearly tears it from your hands, and Ghost swiftly grabs the second box. Holding up your hands, you wait until they storm inside to pick up the third box and follow them.

It takes most of the day for the stuffing in the giant floor pillows to fluff up from being vacuum packed in the boxes, so you take the time to rearrange the room. The next day, opening the door after lunch, you spot no less than ten men and one woman lounging in various spots around the room.

A few weeks later and Soap asks if you can requisition another chair because he is annoyed that Captain Price is constantly snoring away in the only one. You shake your head sadly.

"Sorry, bud. I can't get another one for a while. Too expensive." He nods but puzzles over your wording for the next few days before filing it in the back of his mind.

It takes another couple months for you to save up, but you do bring in a second chair. Soap nearly dances when he sees it.

"I tried to ask supply for one of these for my office, but they had no idea what I was talking about."

"Oh, they wouldn't. They deem my request too frivolous every time." You tap away at the computer, only half paying attention to Soap.

"Then, how did you convince them?"

"Didn't. Had to go get it myself." The silence that falls over the room is far more tense than usual.

"You, you bought these for us? Like with your own money?" You sigh. Here is the conversation you were hoping to avoid. Turning to Soap, you see every person in the room staring at you, trying to work out what is happening.

"Yes, of course. Nothing but the best for my patients. I am the psychiatrist for KorTac and 141, after all."

"What?! We just, we thought you were just an officer with a comfortable couch. But you're a god damn psychiatrist?!" You can see several edging toward the door, nervously.

"Yep. Ghost, please wait just a moment." He hesitates with his hand on the doorknob. "Think about how long you've been napping in here. Have I ever overstepped? Four years I have been assigned to the 141, and not once have I updated your files. Luckily, I can claim patient-doctor confidentiality, or I would be out of a job."

"So, you haven't been doing your job at all?" This comes from Captain Price, who looks confused.

"Oh, I have been. If you don't mind sharing, what is the thing your last psychiatrist kept trying to force you to do, Captain?"

"Fuckin golf. Claimed it would be a good stress relief like I want to be a lazy damn officer."

You nod and glance around. "Ghost, what was your recommendation?"

"God damn yoga." You hear Soap snort and give him a small smile.

"Mmhmm, not something I imagine you would ever be interested in. And you König, if you don't mind?"

His voice is quiet but strong, "Guided meditation."

"Every one of those is rooted in the idea that you need to rest. My job was to find a way to make it happen, and I wasn't keen on being stonewalled and hated by the people I work with. So, I left the door open and passed a rumor around that there was a mythical comfortable couch. Sort of a build it and they will come." You pause and gather your courage. "As I have said from the beginning, talking is optional. Naps and resting are welcome. That's the way it will stay as long as I am here."

Turning back to your computer, you submit another supply request, worded slightly different from the last. A bigger office for more group sessions so both teams can be present. The silence in the room is less tense, but you don't look up from your screen, not wanting to see how many left, knowing who you are now. To your surprise, when you stand up to stretch, every spot is still occupied.

The next week, you get your denial and an inspection scheduled as you haven't been logging apppointments since posted there, and your constant requests have been noticed. The stress shows in the tenseness of your jaw and the furrow between your eyes, but you don't say a word to anyone.

The day of your inspection comes, and you brace yourself for invasive questions and the likely anger from whomever shows up when you refuse to answer those questions. You hint three time and then outright tell the lounging men to leave just minutes before the scheduled appointment, frantically trying to tidy up and make it look like you have adults as patients instead of sleep away camp.

"What is goin' on, lass?" Soap asks lazily from the floor pillow he refuses to vacate.

"I- I have an inspection, like right now." That gets their attention.

"Och aye! We will clear ou-" A knock at the door interrupts him. You take a deep breath, forcing your emotions under a smile.

"Enter." A man confidently walks in, faltering when he sees so many eyes on him.

"I am here to inspect your work, Captain. You were informed as to the time?" Standing, you salute him, then motion him to one of the seats.

"Yes, my apologies, Lieutenant Colonel. This group session ran a little late. If you could excuse us, everyone. We can pick this back up tomorrow. Hopefully." They all stand and salute the Lieutenant Colonel before walking out. He stalks to the chair in front of your desk.

"You will be lucky to make it to the end of the day if I have anything to say about it. You have clearly squandered resources buying all of this furniture, and there isn't a single update to any personnel files. Your explanation better be damn good, Captain."

You meet his gaze squarely before answering. "I am assigned to a unit whose work is often above top secret. I do not take notes on what is said in this room. I have found that doing so makes patients uncomfortable and, therefore, less likely to relax."

"That doesn't explain why you are not charting recommendations." You lean back and pull out a paper from a drawer.

"These are the recommendations previously listed in the files of various patients who are now under my command. Almost all of them fall into the same category: relax. So when I reviewed the files, I notated in the general team file for The 141 that relaxing activities would be undertaken as needed. The KorTac file gained the same note when they were switched to my purvue. There is no need to update individual files when I do my utmost to only hold group sessions, again for comfort to the patients."

He sits back, clearly not convinced, but at least pondering it a moment. "Why did you have KorTac transferred to your care? They were previously under another, frankly more competent, psychiatrist."

"Was that psychiatrist able to get them to open up? Honestly, I am curious if the team even showed up to their sessions by how sparse their files are. Colonel König has been here for six years, and his entire file is less than a dozen pages. The same could be said for nearly all of the KorTac team. There are notations in most of these files that KorTac and The 141 can not be in the same room for more than five minutes at a time without fighting. Yet nearly every day members of both teams are here for upwards of an hour a day, and they haven't had any fights outside of here in months." You snap your jaw shut, noticing the slightest of movement behind the Lieutenant Colonel. You stand and salute.

"Corporal, you've already saluted me. Sit down."

"She is saluting me, not you, Lieutenant Colonel." Colonel König salutes you back as the Lieutenant Colonel grouses about being interrupted before he turns and pales. He hurriedly stands and renders his own salute, which is returned with deliberate slowness.

"Colonel, if I may?" At his nod, you continue. "I did not mean to speak so flippantly of your records. I should have guarded their contents more closely. You have my deepest apologies." His eyes lock with yours, and you could swear he is either smirking or smiling.

"It is of no consequence. I am glad to know that you feel such concern, despite the public nature that such personnel files often suffer during inquests such as these." He pulls up another chair from who knows where and sits just behind the Lieutenant Corporal. "I will monitor to ensure sensitive information about need to know operations is not disclosed."

You nod, "Yes, Colonel. Understood."

The Lieutenant Colonel shifts uncomfortably with the gaze at his back. "Circling back to my first concern. The wasting of British coffers on unnecessary seating is clear gross misconduct. You will need to return all except for the standard single couch immediately."

"Yes, Lieutenant Colonel. When can you send supply over to fetch the other couch?" He looks surprised, as though he expected more of a fight.

"I will have to confer with them to see when they will be able to take so many large items."

"Hmm? Oh no, only the two couches, desk, computer, and the chair you sit in were issued. The rest I brought in at my own expense to better facilitate having over a dozen soldiers and officers in here at the same time. I do ask to keep the original couch. It is the only one long enough to fit many of the men I treat." He looks shocked.

"You furnished the rest?" You can see him fighting not to look around at the room, hand fidgeting on the desk.

"Of course. Patients come first in my care. Every request I have put in has been denied since the second couch. The number of patients I see has more than doubled with the strays that Captain Price and Colonel König have dragged with them into my office. We are running out of time today. Would you like to meet again next week, or do you have the information needed to close out this inquiry?" The Lieutenant Colonel seems shocked.

"But I have more questions. And you need to answer them."

"I understand that, which is why I am offering another meeting. But you scheduled just one time block for this, and I have others coming in right after. The noise he made was pure frustration, and he let loose without thinking.

"Listen here you cunt! You will not get out of this by claiming an appointment. You will answer my questions until I am satisfied and have enough to properly fuck you over the way you deserve! I-!" A hand claps onto his shoulder, making him wince in pain.

"Lieutenant Colonel Riggs. That is not conduct becoming an officer. You will cease your screaming and see yourself out. Your lack of preparation and knowledge does not permit you to abuse officers of a lower rank. You will join me in my office while we discuss this further." The icy tone has you wincing in sympathy. When the door shuts behind them, you nearly collapse on your desk in relief. After a long moment of fighting the urge to cry, you jolt when a hand rubs your back.

"Ghost, why are you still in my office?"

"Support?" You grunt before looking up at him.

"Thank you. Now, I'm going to have a good cry, so if you need to leave to avoid it, now is a good time." Instead of leaving, he makes you stand and walk to the couch where he tugs you to his chest.

"Cry all you want, Luv. I'm here for you, just like you were for me all those times these past few years."

[midnightblues444]

Lustful afflictions |

Priest nanami x brat! fem reader

Warnings: age gap (readers in her 20s and hes like 30 something), perversion of Christian faith, corruption, m receiving, sacrilege ,

Notes: fell off the face of the earth for 2 months now I'm back so enjoyy <3

Imagine driving priest nanami to temptation and making him lose his mind remembering it all during a prayer for forgiveness

"I confess to my sins of lust" he recounts, knelt in prayer

From the moment you walked into his cathedral he could sense trouble

"the source of my sinful affliction, that of a girl who wondered into my very own church"

You'd giggle in his sermons, and look at him with a sparkle that he couldn't quite place. Your words dripping off your tongue like melted candy, he can only recall how the sound of his name from your lips sent jolts of an unfamiliar feeling through him.

"A walking temptation she was.."

the way you're dresses were always so short and tight, there was disrespect that radiated from your very being yet it wasnt the biggest issue

He could see it when you listen to his sermons, not with intent but with amusement more so seductively studying him, often catching himself losing his focus if he made eye contact with you.

It was most apparent when you came up for communion, staring up at him with doe eyes as you ate the bread slowly, smirking when he couldnt keep the eye contact . Turning back ever so slightly with a giggle as you made way to your seat.

"I repent, I repent"

Hed prided himself on always being a man of honor and more importantly a man of god, hed thus expected the unholy thoughts to go away on their own.

Though he took a concious effort not fall into the temptation you dangled before him and keep composed.

"It was in this very confessional where the affair began"

To his suprise you came to confessional one afternoon. Skipping down toward the box, the apparent click of your heels hitting the tiles of the church floor made his heart pound in his chest.

"She spoke things I'd never heard before, she promised to help me in ways the lord couldnt"

"Lust is natural for all of us isnt it nanami"

He cleared his throat, at the sugary way you said his name

"Lustful thought" you'd sighed, "though I think we all struggle with lust, do we not?"

"I suppose so, but we thus practice abstinence" he replied

"I should've abstained..."

"But do we really need to abstain from what we truly desire" you said , trying to push your luck "I mean I see how you look at me father nanami"

"I am a holy man though how I acted was not a reflection of that"

He slid your side of the confessional door open staring down at you with a faint blush. The priest was undeniably a beautiful man, his defined face and toned body that peaked under his black attire but was noticeably when he fidgeted with his white collar.

"So what do I do about it?"

"Take a seat" you purred

"I wish to repent and continue a life in your light"

He was clutching a rosary while you were on your knees, the priests cock hitting the back of your throat repeatedly.

He barely held it together, muttering forgive me lord under his stuttering breaths. He whined under your every touch, finding himself pleading for release, as the feeling of your throat was warm and unlike anything hed ever felt

begging for more, with his deep grunts as he thrusted unconsciously harder

"Forgive me I have sinned"

"Nggh" he breathed out, while you hummed and massage his balls, cumming down your throat with a deep whine

You wiped your mouth and stand, kissing his cheek sweetly. Straddling him with affection.

"You're not wearing panties" he said bewildered

"Didnt think I'd need em" you giggled as you slowly slid onto him. Both moaning out at the sensation. You began to move slowly adjusting to his girth, his head laid back as he breathlessly panted

"No no, look at me, look how good you make me feel" you said as you gently cupped his cheek

There is something so powerful about unraveling such a large man.

"So tight," he heaved tinted of blush across his face. You grind into your spot, moans filling up the small confessional space.

"Mmm so good, you're doing so good" you purred into his neck

"Forgive me because I find myself addicted to the feeling of her around me"

His thrusts grew sloppy, his grip on your hips stutter

"Forgive me because this addiction has costed me certainty in my faith"

He released into you for the second time, slumping into your plush chest, as you stroked his hair comfortingly.

"Amen"

[thesilmarillionblog]

𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭: 𝟗

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: You and Soldier Boy want to create a family and move on from everything, even the Vought, but you also know that he has to face Homelander one last time to keep his vow to Butcher. However, nothing turns out as you had hoped.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: +18! (minors DNI), SMUT!, memory loss, language, creeplander, naive reader, vaginal fingering

Word Count: 6664

A/N: English is not my first language.

Song: 'Alone with My Thoughts on a Windy Night' by Lønely.

Butcher got in touch with you and asked you to come in the morning after you and Soldier Boy finally had a peaceful dinner and a pleasant talk. When Soldier Boy heard his voice, his face changed. He showed as much respect he could, and you were relieved that he remained calm during your conversation with Butcher. You were shocked by how he behaved, given his hatred for Butcher. It was nice. 

He was, however, clearly prepared to kill Butcher and his whole team without hesitation. After all, he had his own reasons. 

You made an effort to be more polite and gentle compared to earlier since you didn't want Soldier Boy to change his mind. After all, he had been miserable since the morning. 

When Soldier Boy asked you to eat more, you said, “I'm full, thank you,” breaking the silence. 

Stating: “You must eat so that you can regain your strength.” He tugged your chair smoothly till you stopped at his side just as you were ready to get up. “How are you going to get your memory back if you behave like this?” You let out a gasp and reached for his shoulder for support.

You turned your head away and moaned, “I'm about to puke,” as he tried to make you eat more. “And I’m sure eating more has nothing to do with gaining memory back.”

He said, “Of course it does,” as he kept eating like a greedy beast. As you saw him swallow half of a cheeseburger in one bite, your mouth fell open in astonishment. “Your mind cannot function as well if you don't eat properly since you can't regain your energy. It's simple.”

You finally picked one of the pies and began eating after seeing him enjoying the dinner so energetically.

Ignoring his comments, you giggled, “Can you eat any faster?” He ate everything on the table with great dedication and focus. Your chuckle transformed into an empathetic smile before fading away as you realized he had also been asleep for months. Just like you. You both had missed so much.

Until he was full and given up, you didn't say anything. It is likely that his jaw became weary from functioning for two hours. Then he burped, stretching his powerful muscles.

"Fuck. Sorry for that," he stated while raising his eyebrows and giving you a regretting glance.

"It's alright." You laughed at his attempt to appear gentle as you saw him struggle to avoid making the same sound. He looked funny when he tried to be kind.

Soldier Boy was about to say that you used to be disgusted by him burping whenever you two ate together, but now you didn't appear to feel that way. But if you complained again, he'd feel better. He kept this thought to himself because there was no use in ruining the atmosphere at the dinner table, though. 

He took a look at you and said, “We can leave now if you are done.” He would tell Homelander that he didn't want to be bothered till tomorrow later.

As you swiftly swallowed the final piece of pie, you nodded to him and started to stand up. You swallowed the piece and then licked your lips. “I am ready.” 

After following you, he realized there was just one pie remaining, so he took it while adjusting his suit. To remove the unpleasant smell from his body, he needs a cold shower. 

He winked at you and swallowed the entire pie. “I'm going to eat your pie if you are okay with it.” You were taken aback by his greed. He would probably eat until he felt worn out if someone challenged him. 

“It’s fine.”

Soldier Boy kept his hand on your back and continued to rub it there while you were on the elevator, as if he could sense your nervousness and was trying to reassure you. On the seventh floor, the elevator stopped. The person standing in front of you was Homelander. You wanted to break all of his teeth when you saw the big smile on his ignorant face. 

You remembered Homelander even if you didn't remember Soldier Boy. It was impossible for anyone to forget such a tyrant, a monster. If there was enough space in the elevator, you could back off a step, but there was no way to avoid him at this point. He was staring at you with his deadly blue eyes with joy, as if he had finally seen his buddy after a long time. The way he looked at you made you sick.

Sensing your uneasiness, Soldier Boy's posture changed, and he immediately took his hand in an attempt to show that you were his and that Homelander could not harm you or anyone else. But it didn't calm you down. Despite being his biological father, Homelander didn't give a damn about what other people thought. You were sure he didn't care what Soldier Boy was thinking about him. He only cared about his own animal instincts. 

The thought of him being the son of Soldier Boy got your body tense. It felt strange. 

“Look who we have here.” Homelander put one gloved palm on his chest as if he couldn't believe his eyes and added, “I guess someone changed sides,” in a happy tone. “I'm glad to see you in Vought with Soldier Boy, safe and sound.” 

“Cut this shit off,” Soldier Boy said before he could react. 

If Homelander referred to him as ‘dad’ or anything, that would be disgusting. He was undoubtedly cautioned not to be called like this by Soldier Boy. 

Homelander grinned proudly as he saw your hands locked together with Soldier Boy's. “I'm just relieved that you're finally on the right side. But I guess you're heading out.” Homelander was ready to say that you are now his mother-in-law, but he changed his mind since he didn't want to bother Soldier Boy. It would touch his nerves for sure. He had become overloaded with work; there was just too much to do. “I want to know how your former team is doing. They must be heartbroken to see you change sides. I hope that they took it well. Especially Butcher.”

Soldier Boy inhaled deeply and was ready to say something nasty when you said, “They are doing fine.” 

“Find your own spoiled son first and don't disturb me or her until tomorrow, and also politicians are being a pain on my ass,” Soldier Boy replied finally, pulling you closer to him as he became irritated with Homelander's conversation with you. “You have to start somewhere.”

“At some point, they will stop talking. I know you're not very good with the Internet, but I can tell you that the number of people who are rooting for you keeps increasing every hour. Now that you're popular again, make sure it stays that way. Nothing else is important. You just don’t blow up.”

Homelander waved his hand, seemingly unconcerned by them. “But first we must get rid of Butcher and the others. I considered Vicky unkillable, but he fucking murdered her together with the others. That is an extremely serious problem.”

Hearing Homelander discuss killing Butcher and others made you uneasy. You didn't want the others dead, even if you couldn't recall them and they lied to you all together. He was obviously referring to Butcher on purpose. It was intended to either annoy you or serve as a warning through you. It didn't really matter that Soldier Boy was holding your hand at the time. Both of them desired the deaths of your friends. 

Soldier Boy kept holding your hand even if you wanted to release it. Being around people who wished to kill your friends was frightening and unsettling. You couldn't sympathize with Homelander, but you could understand Soldier Boy's motivation for a reason. Homelander was a disease. 

“We'll discuss such matters later, and they won't cause any more issues.” Soldier Boy simply stated, “Don't fucking call me until tomorrow. There are other things that need to be resolved first.” He avoided talking about Butcher and others with Homelander while you're still in the very same place as them.

Homelander's actions angered him, but he would handle it later. 

You exhaled in relief as the elevator came to a stop and you and he left Vought Tower, Homelander, and his crap words behind. Until you got into the car, Soldier Boy continued holding your hand. Both anxiety and worry were still causing your heart to beat. You were afraid of Homelander and the terrible things he could do. It was useless to deny it. If it would benefit him, he could do any vile thing he wanted, no matter what they were. 

Soldier Boy's head turned to you as he drove you to his house, feeling the dense atmosphere between you. “He wouldn't dare to hurt you.”

You should have been soothed by his powerful voice, but it didn't. 

You openly commented, “It feels wrong seeing you cooperate with him. I'm not sure if the old me that you were in love with would appreciate that.”

Although you didn't want to come across as harsh, you found yourself talking to him as though you were prepared for another debate. But it wasn't what you wanted. Just as you chose to believe in Soldier Boy from the start and continue to do so now, you wanted to be certain that he would always choose you. 

“If only you could remember what happened, it would be easier for you to understand,” he said. You felt terrible because you thought he could've been a little nasty and sound harsh, but he wasn't. He was just calm. 

He took a big breath after looking at your perplexed look. “Even after finding out that Homelander was my biological son, I still wanted to kill him just as much as you did. He's just a cheap lab product, so it didn't really mean anything, but I was still going to kill them all. It may have turned out differently today if your pals hadn't betrayed me there.”

His serene and honest explanation made you feel a range of complex emotions.

You attempted to picture your life with Soldier Boy and wondered how it would be if you didn't lose your memories. With Butcher and the CIA's assistance, Homelander would die and Vought would be destroyed. It sounds like a nice and peaceful world. The day you lost your memories was a vast void that you were unable to fill despite your best efforts.

“I didn't mean to blame you,” you added sadly, attempting to show him that you truly felt sorry for him for everything. Soldier Boy didn't appear to be a despot or ruthless person, despite what Butcher told you. “All I need to know is that you won't participate in their evil plans as Homelander and the other Seven members do. I can't stay with a man who hurts other people.”

“It's not my intention,” explained Soldier Boy. “I can't say that I've done nice things in the past, but I'm... different now.” 

“That's good to hear.”

You both needed the quiet and tranquility that the remainder of the route offered. You were relieved that Soldier Boy was kind enough to purchase a house because you had been so stressed out after spending the entire day at Vought Tower. That would be more comfortable. You were aware that Homelander controlled and stayed in the Tower, and you could not possibly sleep there in the same building with him. 

After parking in front of a very decent house, Soldier Boy used his keys to unlock the door and softly brushed behind your back, encouraging you to come inside. Like his ego, you would have expected him to have a big house, but it was actually rather lovely and appeared surprisingly modest. The ambiance was pleasant because of the dim light and the dominant use of brown and green shades. 

Although the oriental rugs between the coach and the TV were completely un-American, it appeared that he was full of surprises and had unique design preferences. In fact, it appeared to be a charming house from the 1990s. It was also modern, so it looked a bit mixed. You were fine with it.

You could feel him watching you enthusiastically as he shut the door, as if he was trying to gauge how you were going to react. 

As you entered and lightly touched the surface of a large green coach, you told him, “Your house is very...sweet,” with a sincere smile. Your heart was racing frantically as the atmosphere grew heavier. After all, you were in the same house with the strongest Supe. There was nothing wrong with feeling like that. 

You noticed him taking a sigh of relief. You turned to face him as he drew closer. “Our home,” said Soldier Boy instantly. The quickness with which he could melt your heart was terrifying. “You'd told me once that you didn't like big houses.”

Another memory that was missing. God knew how many there were of them. 

You said, “Ah.” Now, it was painful to be unable to recall a single conversation you had with him. You grasped his hand with gratitude, realizing that he did care about your taste when he designed and purchased the house. Not even knowing where you were, he must have thought about you and what he would do once he found you. 

Now, you didn't even know his name. 

Your heart ached, and every argument you had with him felt wrong. 

You inquired, “Where will I be sleeping?” You could look at the entire house later. You felt exhausted even though you hadn't done anything since the morning other than hang out with Soldier Boy in Vought. A lot of things would change after tomorrow. You needed to relax your thoughts and your mind.

“I didn't get you a separate room. I hadn't planned to find you suffering from memory loss,” he sighed, clearly upset by the way things had turned out with you.

“Sorry,” you said in a whisper while genuinely studying his eyes. The situation was hard to convey in words, but it was agonizing to desire to comfort him and reassure him that everything would be fine soon. You only wanted him not to blame you, regardless of whether you remembered him or not. You truly felt sorry.

“It's alright.”

Soldier Boy led you upstairs to see your room after seeing your attempts to suppress your yawns.

Soldier Boy's hands remained on your back the entire time, seemingly sensing your nervousness as he led you upstairs to show you the room you would be staying in from now on. Even if you had been with him for a long time, despite the fact that you couldn't recall those times, he was still kind of a stranger. Fixing it would take some time. Of course, there wouldn't be any issues if you allowed him to use Cate's abilities on you. But you weren't prepared to do this. To find out whether he truly loved you, you had decided to get to know him as well as let him get used to the new you. 

In an attempt to show that you were cool and prevent him from bringing up the Cate issue again, you looked about and softly touched the massive wardrobe and then the bed's cushion. You were too exhausted to engage in the same debate. A deal is a deal. 

You were right to check the wardrobe to see if there were any clothes for you. The answer is yes; he had considered everything. You were devastated by the idea of him setting up the room in anticipation of finding you and building a life with you. You couldn't ignore his effort, even if you didn't remember him. He must have been really disappointed to find you this way. You were a disappointment.

You said, “It's a lovely room,” as he walked slowly behind you, making your heart beat. Being in the same room with a supe made it difficult to concentrate on important issues. Once your guy was a supe. He was a supe that was once your boyfriend. Most probably. 

“I'm glad you liked it.”

Soldier Boy hadn't planned to show you the room that was. He hadn't imagined this moment like this, but what was done was done. For the moment, it was all he had. He felt that it was something like displaying your room to a complete stranger who looked just like you, but he soon brushed these feelings aside as he became irritated. You might reestablish your connection with one another. Everything would be okay as long as you had each other. All he needed to do was wait three months. Not a single day more.

By locating Cate and allowing her to use her abilities on you, he could have made you remember everything. The thought of forcing you to do something like that was an option, but it wasn't right. Now you were even more stubborn. Your submissive and docile side, which put all of your trust in him, was far better. But now he had to put up with whatever you had. He might be able to make you change the way you view things later.

Soldier Boy stepped back and set his firearm on the table. Shortly after you sat down on the bed, he started taking off his supe suit and loosening his belt. Your cheeks flushed, unsure of just where to gaze. Soldier Boy, however, grinned mischievously as he removed his hefty chest plate and then everything on him after hearing your heart race. Even though your eyes begged you to stare at his packs, thick belly, and massive shoulders, you chose to look straight into his eyes.

You tried your hardest to imagine how you had once before touched each other and how many times you had touched his body. You were happy that he couldn't read what you were thinking.

You watched him enter the bathroom and turn on the water. Finally, he turned back to the room and removed his gloves. All he had left were his pants. It was a flawless appearance, no doubt about it. Fortunately, he didn't say anything obscene while you were watching him strip off. It was lovely to see him dismantle his outfit piece by piece. His muscles alone were enough to give you an idea of his strength. 

He finally laughed as he said, "You don't have to torture your eyes and force them not to look at me," taking pleasure in your small battle. "Enjoy the view."

You only muttered, "Funny," but you were encouraged to take a quick glance at his physique.

Soldier Boy remarked, “If you need a quick shower, you can join me, you know. To save the water.” as he set his phone aside and unbuttoned his pants to remove them as well. 

You responded, avoiding eye contact this time, “Unfortunately, I already took a shower in the morning, remember?”

“Your loss then.” 

When he removed his trousers, your cheeks flushed, and you lay on the bed to avoid staring at him until he removed his boxers as well. Even though he remained silent, you could hear him smirking. When he entered the restroom, you were now watching the ceiling. While he was having a shower, you finally got up and dressed. 

Soldier Boy emerged from the bathroom with a small towel over his belly as you looked over the stuff he had purchased for you inside the wardrobe. As soon as he glanced at you with a broad grin on his face, you immediately stepped back and swiftly lay on the bed, cradling your pillow. He was clearly delighted by your attempt to get a glimpse of his physique as if it were your first time. Since it was truly your first time, he thought it was funny to see how you reacted.

He abruptly dropped the towel from his belly, revealing his entire wet body to you as he turned to face the wardrobe.

“Don't you have shame?” You grumbled as you finally dropped your pillow beneath your head after tightening your fingers around it. Otherwise, you would bite it out of excitement and embarrassment. Pressing the yearning that was waking between your legs was challenging. You were watching as the drips from his damp hair fell shamelessly down his back and onto the floor, as well as down his tight ass. 

“I'll let you enjoy the view. We've seen each other naked a hundred times.”

“Sorry, I must have a weak memory, but I think that is something fixable at least.” 

“You know what they say; practice makes perfect. It will be my pleasure to help you in this.” After giving you a playful response, Soldier Boy turned to face you entirely nude, revealing his entire wide, muscular physique with pride. He's already excited by your lively and humorous demeanor, which is causing him to think about dirty things. When he noticed your bold attitude, his body forgot the chilly shower he had just had. He was relieved that you held your attitude.

Before he put on his boxers, you had a quick glimpse at his manhood. You felt a little uneasy due to his size and questioned how you could possibly have taken his beast inside of you without Temp-V. It must have been hard for you both to have sex because he was a supe. Perhaps that was somewhat painful from your side. The only way to know was to do it.

You allowed him enough space to lie next to you on the bed when he also put on his sweatpants and t-shirt. It kind of felt odd. As you observed him, the strange, weighty feeling was still present in the air. Once more, the sadness you experienced in Butcher's home, where you and Soldier Boy spent the night, was palpable. You couldn't explain it or understand it; it was just a powerful emotion. It seemed like an ode to the memories you and he had lost. You could rely on it, which made you feel comfortable around him and less frightened of him.

Thus, you moved a bit closer to him while he gazed at you expectantly, as if he were paying attention to how you reacted to him, as if he were attempting to enter your head and find out what you were thinking about him. 

“Come here,” he murmured, and as soon as he noticed your cautious attempt to stay near, he immediately embraced you in his powerful arms. 

You took a big breath of his fresh scent. His aroma was a combination of wood and ocean, a wild but mixed scent. You may claim that this wasn't a stranger at all because it has been said that people had smell memories. You could practically taste and almost recall his in your mouth. 

By complimenting him, you tried to ignore the space between you. “You smell nice,” you remarked. You didn't want to forget him, that's for sure. You desired to remember what you were missing. All you wanted was for things to go escalete naturally, though. He had to give you enough time to get to know him again. 

Then you recalled his sour remarks that if you forgot him, he wouldn't love you. Did he tell the truth to you? Was he being honest? You hoped he could give his name to you without you asking for it anymore. But you didn't press him. 

He just responded, pulling you closer. “Hmm.”

As he watched you, you placed one of your hands on his sharp jaw and massaged and stroked him there. Even though you were even unable to recall his name, he was a little perplexed by how at ease you were with him, but he was completely cool with it. In that one real instant, your heated arguments earlier meant absolutely nothing. You went through all of that pain for that little, gentle, and tender moment.

As if to show you that he would be gentle after you took Temp-V, his powerful hands lightly patted your back. But you couldn't ignore his strength; you knew he would easily rip you in two if he utilized it even little on you. You weren't scared at all, yet it was enough to make you shiver. Simply put, it was thrilling. You felt safe and sound.

Your hands moved to his, caressed his still-wet hair, and then paused at his neck, feeling encouraged. You kept checking his green eyes to make sure he was alright, moving your head and body closer to his lips. Then you closed your eyes, overcome by his intense stare, and instinctively pressed your lips to his warm ones. Feeling something and attempting to restore what you had lost was perfectly normal.

You could see he wasn't expecting you to act so brazen and eager, but he immediately regained his composure and kissed you passionately and without hesitation.

Soldier Boy had missed you and needed you more than ever; there was no doubt about that. Both of you were touching each other, and the yearning to feel something was agonizing. That was all he had, but he hadn't imagined your first night in your home like this. Your agreement would be terminated if he endured three more months of pain. It seems that it would take some time to make you remember everything. Yet Soldier Boy was patient when it came to you.

It did not, however, imply that he would stay away from you until you recalled. Fortunately, it was okay for you to go all the way and let him look after you and fuck you as he desired. He needed to touch you, feel you, be inside of you, and prove you belonged to him once again. Your body also needs that. The way you responded to him made it crystal clear. 

Soldier Boy didn't lose another second to move on top of you without breaking the kiss. Although the kiss was nearly slow, it was urgent, desperate, and passionate. Your bodies yearned to be close. 

Even though you gasped in surprise, you continued to kiss him softly as he positioned himself between your legs. The hardness between your legs seemed like it wanted to go through your underwear and sleeping clothes, but you tried to ignore it. Soldier Boy's kisses were intense, passionate, and full of hunger. To find a more comfortable position, you shifted slightly beneath him. He forced you to lie properly by pushing your cushion away and pulling you down slightly beneath him. You seemed to be at his mercy.

 As you continued to kiss him tenderly, your hands tingled as they touched his thick beard. You had no control over your lips and mouth; they simply wouldn't quit. It was as though his powerful hands controlled every part of your body to find the things you forgot about. His kisses were becoming more forceful and possessive than yours, as though he was also looking for something that he had lost with you.

His hands gripped your hips and pinned them under him while he silently growled and pushed his tongue in your mouth. It wasn't until then that you realized you were rubbing against him to create some friction. Without reluctance or guilt, you reached his belly with your hands, slipped your fingers into his t-shirt, and caressed his pacs. His chest was surprisingly warm, and it was nice to touch and feel his power beneath your fingertips.

Getting to know his muscles and physique again felt amazing. You pondered whether he was also finding the procedure enjoyable. After all, it wasn't his first time with you.

Soldier Boy didn't appear to be going to draw back anytime soon, so you eventually did so to catch your breath.

You attempted to engage in some real conversation as your finger continued to probe his muscles beneath his t-shirt. “You are very warm,” you said, breaking the silence. Since your reunion, you have argued more than you have talked in peace.

Through your lips, Soldier Boy gave you a little smile before he slightly withdrew. Desire was bursting forth and reddening both of your lips.

He remarked, “I can get warmer,” and raised an eyebrow. When he slightly warmed his chest, you gazed at him bewildered and then gasped in surprise. You were shocked, but it didn't hurt.

“Then you must be very useful in winters.”

Even though you weren't sure whether you would go all the way without utilizing Temp-V, you chose to follow his lead and see what transpired. All you could hope for was that he wouldn't leave you unsatisfied. You spread your legs somewhat wider and lifted your hips slightly to signal your need and want to him. Like he was battling you, his tongue and lips were biting yours. You would have gone insane just from the way his muscles were flexing beneath your fingertips. You really needed to feel him.

“Oh yeah?” he said, eventually placing his length between your legs to provide the friction you had been seeking for a while. “I'll keep you so warm and nice."

He kissed you again just after you said, “I hope so,” but this time he was more possessive, as if he was eager to show you that you were his and would do anything you asked from him. It was strange how comfortable and proper it felt to be at his mercy and underneath him.

You even surprised yourself by how loudly you moaned as one of his hands gripped your tits and played with your nipple through your top. You needed the release since you had been teasing each other since the morning, but you weren't sure how to go about it precisely.

Soldier Boy decided you were ready to go further with him after hearing your desperate moans. Since you had been teasing since the morning, you both really needed a moment to relax. His recent chilly shower had no significance at all.

You gasped as he quickly drew back and lowered your sweatpants with your underwear. You kept your hands inside his t-shirt to indicate to him that you were prepared for some foreplay. Feeling his heart pound beneath your hands caused you to calm a little. He needed you as much as you needed him. He still desired you in spite of his thoughts about your new self. 

He examined every inch of your body, making your legs tremble with eagerness and coldness. Despite your strong desire to escape from his penetrating gaze, you chose to wait patiently underneath him, telling yourself that you had previously done it a hundred times. There was no cause for fear. 

As his hands began to brush across your knees, he smirked slyly and said, “Are you feeling anxious now?” Your chest lifted with strong breaths, and you felt defenseless without a cushion beneath your head. 

“No,” you immediately replied. Even though your cheeks were flushed, you chose to be bold. It wasn't your first time with him, you kept telling yourself. “I rather feel... wet.” 

When he found nothing unsure on your expression, you could feel him warming up beneath your hand. Despite your best efforts to disguise it, he could see that you were still anxious and bashful, but there was no reluctance. Soldier Boy's hardness was urging him to lower his sweatpants and boxers and go inside you with a single hard thrust. You both needed a little foreplay, but you could lure him into your warm pussy so well. He would properly look after you later.

“Well, I'm having trust issues lately, so I must check myself if you're telling me the truth,” he said in an amusing manner. As you waited for him to act already, you smiled softly at him. 

You went crazy as his hands gently moved up your legs and thighs without breaking eye contact. You were actually flowing there as his fingers finally reached your pussy and his lips opened in astonishment and delight. You were completely ruined there. You whimpered quietly as he palmed your pussy and then your slick since you've been feeling sensitive. You had your hips up in expectancy. 

“Fuck,” he shrieked, sensing your slippery liquid on his palms. He could simply glide inside you since you were so moist beneath him at the moment. He didn't even have to get you ready. “Guess we have an issue here.”

“Told you,” you mumbled, biting your bruised lips to keep your hungry moans to yourself. You wouldn't say no if he lowered his trousers and shoved his hardness into your pussy since even his hands felt so amazing. You would simply let him fuck you. 

Without saying anything, he played with your clit for a brief while before pushing a finger inside without warning. As if you were supposed to take him the way he wished, his finger moved with such ease. He kept an extremely close eye on your reaction. You wanted to get rid of panties and sweatpants so you could move freely beneath him, but his powerful hands prevented you from moving at all. He didn't even need to attempt to get you to come; you could come at any time.

It would be safer if you injected yourself with Temp-V for your first sex after a lengthy period of time apart, but it was hard for Soldier Boy not to take himself in hand and fuck you. He would not risk it without you using Temp-V, although he was usually very cautious when you fucked. He didn't want to be concerned about hurting you while you fucked. You needed that Temp-V. 

His finger continued to move inside you, and he asked, “You like this?” Seeing you in such need and desperation beneath him must have thrilled him. 

With an “I'm not sure,” you continued to tease him even though you were on the verge of losing your mind from how intense you were feeling at the time. “Need more.”

He began to fuck you rough with two fingers while his jaw tightened. His fingers glided into you with ease since you were sufficiently slippery, but you stiffened up as he began to get a bit too quick and harsh. You started to panic and said, “Careful!” You put your hands on the abdomen as if you were prepared to shove him at any moment. However, he refused to move at all.

“You are greedy, aren't you?” In a gruff voice, he continued, “Let's see what I can do about this.” You guessed he thought you were challenging him. That was good.

This time, you both gasped as he pushed another finger inside. He had thick, rough fingers. Your eye watered with pleasure and intensity, and your hole felt so little in comparison to his two big fingers. You started pleading, “Please.”

“Calm down!”

You closed your eyes as soon as your walls constricted, and you let out a loud moan as you experienced your orgasm before he could add a third finger. While your legs were trembling like a leaf, he kept fucking you with his fingers. You wondered how his cock would feel inside of you because his fingers felt absolutely amazing. As you rode your osgasm properly, Soldier Boy kept fucking you with his fingers while keeping his gaze fixed on you, watching you closely.

He believed he could come in his boxers right there since you looked so lovely and beautiful when you gave yourself all to the pleasure.

It was a feeling he had missed. He had missed seeing you take everything from him the way you needed. He had missed hearing your heartbeat and seeing you grow pleased. You still belonged to him. No matter what, that would never change. Soldier Boy hadn't planned your first night together in your house weeks earlier to be like this, and while it wasn't the ideal scenario, it was still good enough.

Soon, everything will be fine.

When you eventually opened your eyes after riding your orgasm, you noticed Soldier Boy staring at you seriously. When you were really sensitive, he slowly removed his fingers from your pussy. As he tugged up your panties and pajamas, your pulse was pounding wildly. You were unsure on how to proceed at this point. 

He immediately stopped you as you put your shaky hands in his sweatpants to let out his cock and offer him the same pleasure he gave you. You gave him a perplexed expression. “Let me..”

He interrupted you right away, saying, “Enough for today.” He surprised you by placing a hard kiss on your forehead before you were able to react. 

“I'm alright,” you said, puzzled by his changed attitude. After all, you had been teasing another one since the morning. There was no reason for stopping. “We can continue. I mean it.”

Soldier Boy took a deep breath and swiftly moved your hands away from his throbbing cock. He understood that in order to avoid offending you, he had to be honest with you at this moment. Not because he didn't want it. He was about to lose his mind. “We should get some sleep. If not, I'll end up breaking your hips and bones. For the first time in a long time, I don't trust myself at the moment.”

It was the best way he could describe the issue, and he didn't want to come off as threatening. He wasn’t good at expressing himself anyway.

“Oh,” you simply muttered.

Soldier Boy had made up his mind, but you didn't want to let him be dissatisfied while his hardness continued to give signals to you. Breathing deeply, he returned to his side on the bed and pulled you into his embrace, placing your head on his warm chest. By then, you were all right.

You questioned innocently, “It's not so bad, isn't it? I guess we are good like this. Not as awful as you believe, right?” In less than three months, he might decide that you were okay even if you had no memory of anything at all. Perhaps he would reconsider about giving your new self a chance. He could perhaps fall in love with you again.

Your head was resting on his warm chest, and you couldn't help but smile as a wave of happiness and security washed over you, making you feel better than before. You loved the feeling of being in his strong arms. You couldn't help but bring your body closer to his, as though there were just a single gap between you.

He listened to your heart pounding with delight and said, “Satisfied and happy, huh?” in a playful tone. Soldier Boy couldn't help but feel the same way as he felt your exhilaration and unexpected joy in his arms. Uncontrollably, his arms grew tighter around your entire body.

Soldier Boy kissed your head firmly and with a heavy heart. He couldn't deny that he was perplexed about what was happening between you and that his thoughts and feelings were in chaos. He just knew that he would not allow your memories to fade. No manner what. He decided not to say mean things and destroy your happiness at that time. Letting your memories just fade away would be a betrayal of everything you had built together.

He only said, “Not so bad,” recalling your final days together, which had been months ago. His heart longed for what he craved in you. He missed you.

You allowed your body to rest a little bit under Soldier Boy's strong arms after he gave you an encouraging response, and you closed your eyes peacefully as happiness caused your heart to race with relief and relaxation.

⋆──⛥──⋆⋅���⋅⋆──⛥──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──⛥──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──⛥──⋆

A/N: Please let me know what you think. Comments are keep me going. ♡

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[pluckyredhead]

Did I just read your Super Sons primer from 2020 at 3 am on a Monday morning because I'm having a real normal one? Maybe?! I'm wondering how you feel about how they and their relationship has developed since then. IMO it's... Pretty bleak. 😩

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT. (Also here's the primer for anyone who missed it.)

So I will say that 95% of everything Jon has been in since he got aged up has been hot garbage, but I do think the exception is when Damian is around. But let's take it from the top!

First of all, I don't necessarily think they should de-age him again. Generally speaking I think it's better storytelling to focus on fixing things moving forward, rather than undoing things moving back. Sure, if DC came up with some big cosmic event that reset Jon to 11, I certainly wouldn't complain, but I'd rather see them, uh...do literally anything with Teen Jon that doesn't suck.

But yeah, aging Jon up to begin with still makes me livid because:

I want my baby to have had a childhood.

It's fully character assassination for Lois and Clark. They would NEVER let their 11-year-old go to outer space with a supervillain. Lois would NEVER just abandon him out there, and Clark would NEVER respond with "Well, I'm sure he's fine, wanna have marathon sex?" I honestly have no idea what Bendis or his editor were thinking.

They have not done a single interesting with him since!!!

Putting this behind a cut because it got LONG. Also spoilers for Beast World in there.

I've said this before, but I have to assume that Bendis wanted to age Jon up because he wanted to write a Legion book. But he also in his wisdom decided to bring Kon back into continuity at exactly the same time, which means we have two nearly identical Superboys that DC didn't and still doesn't know what to do with. Kon clearly couldn't have joined the LOSH because he already had a team, but you know what Super teen was available, and not 11, and who has a history with the Legion that goes back almost as long as Clark's? KARA. But I will save that rant for another day.

And honestly, Kara dodged a bullet, because that Legion book was unreadable. Bendis at his most Bendis-y wall of text interrupt-y conversations and no plot. If I give Tom Taylor any credit it's that the second he got his hands on Jon, he torpedoed Jon/Imra as a ship. GOOD.

And when the LOSH book finally went out with a whimper (that JLA/LOSH miniseries! what was that!!!), we entered the Taylor Era. Taylor's quirks are less stylistic and more narrative than Bendis's. You can spot Bendisian dialogue at twenty paces, but a Taylor comic tips its hand when it sets up a really interesting premise or a really high stakes threat and then immediately undercuts it with a little wet fart noise of nothing. To wit:

Jon's starting college! This will be an interesting challenge for him to readjust to normal life after six years in a torture-volcano and an indeterminate amount of time in the future, and also considering he never graduated from sixth grade. I wonder what will - oh no he dropped out after three pages. (He has done NOTHING in his civilian identity since, btw. I guess he's too busy hovering just behind Dick at all times to work on his GED or whatever.)

Jon is going to confront Ultraman! Finally the comics will have to engage with all the trauma he must have - oh no Ultraman's dead.

Jon is trapped in the Injustice Universe! This is a really dangerous universe that might make him question everything he knows about - oh he just lectured everyone and flounced off home.

Beast World is a perfect example. Taylor seems to think that having a hero effortlessly solve a problem makes them look badass, but it's actually the effort that makes them look badass. So like, we spent five months keeping the Kryptonians and other A-class heroes away from the spores because the spores are attracted to power and if a Super got spore'd everyone would be in big trouble...but then in the last issue, they just have Jon fly up to everyone with a spore in them, wait for the spore to jump at him, and catch it? That doesn't make the Titans look smart or Jon look tough. It makes all of them look like idiots because it it was that easy, why didn't they do that in the first place?

On top of that, Taylor doesn't ever really earn relationships. Jon and Jay is the obvious one. Jay has no personality. There's no chemistry between the two characters. Jon might as well be dating a cardboard cutout labeled "Proof of Queerness." (Or "Bernard." Ahem.) But we're supposed to be like, yes, give Tom Taylor a GLAAD award for using queer characters as props, when he's going to turn around and kiss Chuck Dixon's ass on social for being homophobic about Jon? UGH.

Honestly worse for me though is the Jon and Dick relationship. Because Taylor is writing both characters, we're supposed to believe that there's this close mentor-mentee bond there? I don't think they EVER interacted before the Taylor era. (And don't even look at me with that retconned-in scene of Dick finding lost baby Jon. You're telling me that Superman, with his X-ray and telescopic vision, needs to call Bruce and Dick for help finding his own son? Fuck off.)

Anyway it all combines to make basically every Jon appearance for the past three years profoundly unsatisfying. Even the stuff that isn't by Taylor never goes anywhere. Remember when he was jealous of the Super Twins for two panels? And then everyone forgot about it forever? SIGH.

HOWEVER.

However.

If there is one thing that Bendis and Taylor and every other writer got right, it's that Jon is crazy bonkers in love with Damian always and forever. Jon has been written like shit since 2019, but he has also not wavered in his devotion for even one single solitary second.

THE EVIDENCE:

This is the first thing Jon does when he gets back to Earth:

He then tells Damian he's contemplating not joining the Legion because he'll have to leave Damian behind. Damian tells him to go and then come get him if it's cool.

Turns out the Legion is cool. Jon comes and gets Damian. The Legion isn't happy about it and Jon threatens to leave if Damian can't stay, while gazing adoringly at Damian's unconscious body cradled in his arms:

Eventually LOSH is canceled and Jon comes home and starts following Damian around by listening for his heartbeat. LIKE PALS DO!

Then Damian gives him a pep talk!

Then there's this ABSOLUTE CUDDLE:

The way Damian nuzzles into Jon's shoulder! Can you even stand it!

And then there's this:

The climax of Son of Kal-El, btw, is one of the several times Jon is saved by Damian and confides in Damian and turns to Damian for comfort or advice...and Jay is just sort of standing there off to the side. I am fully aware I have ship goggles on but the degree of emotional investment Jon has in these relationships is not the same.

Then they had a special issue teamup:

Then we got Dark Crisis, and I actually love this interaction between them, because they are very different people with very different upbringings and this feels extremely in character to me for how they would both handle the loss of their fathers:

But even when they disagree, they still instantly support each other. Jon comes back with information? Damian makes a plan:

Also, we got the 2022 Pride issue where Jon, Jay, and Damian go to Pride together. I know that story is...contentious...but leave me here with Damian sulking while Jon and Jay kiss, okay?

Then we get Adventures of Superman, which is objectively awful, but Jon does spend his whole time in the Injustice universe thinking about Damian like the seagulls in Finding Nemo saying "Mine? Mine? Mine?"

This whole arc is truly hilarious. Jon finds out that Damian accidentally killed Dick and his response is to a) go find Batman and yell at him for not supporting Damian enough for accidentally killing Dick, and then b) go find Damian to be like "Wow, that must have been really hard for you (accidentally killing Dick)." There's being ride or die for your BFF, and then there's whatever the fuck Jon has going on.

(Meanwhile there's an incredibly uncomfortable scene with him and Injustice Jay where Jay "tests" him by trying to get Jon to cheat on regular Jay. So. That happens.)

And then just this past month we got Nightwing #110, where we learn that Jon is still listening to Damian's heart:

He completely freaks out watching Damian in danger, and immediately intervenes when it looks like Damian is about to kill someone because he knows what matters the most to Damian. Also, this happens:

YOU WIN THIS ONE, TAYLOR.

AND THEN THEY BICKER I LOVE IT WHEN THEY BICKER:

AND THEN DAMIAN LETS HIMSELF BE VULNERABLE BY ASKING JON IF HE HURT ANYONE WHILE HE WAS A KITTY, AND JON GIVES YET ANOTHER SPEECH ABOUT HOW DAMIAN HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER, IN HIS LIFE, AND DAMIAN STAGGERS OFF, LEANING ON JON.

This isn't even getting into the Trinity backup stories in Wonder Woman, which, like...Tom King is not valid but Jon and Damian are such an old married couple in them? It's truly incredible?

It took me like 45 minutes to parse Jon's line here as the general 'you" and not specifically Jon saying Damian wasn't straight. But like..."That's for straight people, which has nothing to do with us" is a hell of a thing to say, Jonathan.

I ALSO haven't even talked about DCeased because it's a different universe, but! Jon sitting with Damian while he dies??? MY HEART.

IN CONCLUSION:

Yes, they should never have aged up Jon.

Yes, most of his appearances since have been terrible and bland.

But OH BOY, do he and Damian remain in love.

[tinababeh]

Four Years Today

I'm not going to write at length about how different this year particularly feels, but today, my heart and focus is with my dad. Four years have passed since he left, and in that time, I’ve begun to see my path with more clarity. I carry the dreams and struggles of those who came before me, but I also feel a quiet resolve to break the patterns that weighed heavily on our family.

My dad, with all his complexity, shaped me in ways that continue to allow me to move forward, even through the unknown. He was brilliant and flawed, and I loved him entirely. I've come to understand that real love is about accepting someone in their entirety—their light and their subjective darkness. But this doesn’t mean accepting harm. While I believe in embracing the fullness of who someone is, it’s important to understand that there are boundaries—abuse and toxicity can never be part of that acceptance.

As much as we strive to create a safe environment for ourselves and others, there has to be a reflection of kindness and respect, like holding a mirror between us. What we give, we should also receive. So I choose to be kind. I choose to move forward with love. Even in the face of darkness, I accept it, knowing it’s part of me, part of us. If we’re self-aware, we can give ourselves and others the room to change, to grow, and to learn from one another. That’s where the real strength lies.

Today, I was reminded why some connections fade while others endure. The people who stay, even after seeing your subjective darkness, are rare and precious. They hold space for your true self, seeing your value, your intent, and your impact. That reflection from others—being seen in my whole self—makes me love them even more. One of my closest friends reminded me of this today. She knew how difficult this day would be, and when I couldn’t follow through on our plans, she simply encouraged me to take care of myself. No guilt, no pressure—just acceptance.

In that moment, I was reminded of what my dad gave me too: the freedom to be myself, to think for myself, and to grow. Those who stay, who continue to stand by me, give me the privilege of witnessing their greatness, just as they witness mine. It’s not about perfection, but about the journey we share. This year, I’m learning to show up for myself in a bigger way, so that I can be there for others.

I am deeply grateful for this moment in my life, for the shift that has allowed me to move forward, even as I carry the weight of loss. My dad didn’t do everything perfectly, but he gave me so much. He always supported my love for video games, spoiling me and my sister with the best tech. I’ll never forget how he cheered us on when we dominated the ranks in Dead or Alive Ultimate 2. And of course, I always teased him because I could always beat him at games. That playful banter was part of our connection, and despite his struggles, he gave me the freedom to think for myself. Even when we disagreed, he respected that I had my own mind.

Now, with the clarity of time, I see his efforts in a deeper way. He gave me the space to define my own values, to stand firm in what I believed, and to question what mattered. Those challenges shaped me, and for that, I’m grateful.

There are moments, sometimes the smallest things, that bring me back to him. I played The Last of Us 2 a few months before he passed, and it left a lasting impression on me. A symbol—of loss, resilience, and the complexity of life. Four years later, I’ve learned to live with his absence, but the pain never truly fades. In that quiet pain, I find strength—the strength he helped me recognize within myself.

My dad gave me the tools to see my own strength, and now I move forward with that power. He’s a part of me, but I know that it’s my journey to walk, my choices to make, and my strength that carries me. Wherever I go from here, it’s with the confidence that I am enough, and that I have the ability to keep going, no matter what comes.

I'll love you always, Dad.

[zonerz]

Answers fic Update + Hi im not dead 💖!

Okay more semi-official post because I've been meaning to do this since July but life has been ping-ponging me all around!

Short-Answer (ha):

No, the fic isn't abandoned, I wouldn't dream of leaving it unfinished especially with the point I'm finally at! I have been stuck injured 😭👍

Long-Answer + Explanation:

They aren't playing about that a03 author's curse bro 😭😭😭 I intended to have 43 out by April at the latest, then that became May and eventually June because of my job. Then of course, that goal got pushed further out from personal circumstances that are just now getting sorted. But, most frustratingly and poignantly, I injured my wrist at the start of July. Good news is I have some therapy scheduled for it finally! Bad news is that it took THIS LONG to get into it, and in the meantime I can't physically write or draw for hardly a few minutes at a time and it's reached a point especially in the last month or so where even using a computer mouse or typing exacerbates it. If I had infinite time, that'd be less of a problem, but I've also restarted college so my time, effort, and focus has to be put there first and foremost in the meantime. It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I enjoy in the free time I have, but for now it is what it is.

The Plan + Ideal: I'm down but certainly not out! I'm going to be diligent to get myself back to normal and doing what I love! I have TONS of ideas for both fics and art I wanna do and am clawing at the bars of my cage to start LMAO

Ideally though, I would like to have something ready by the holidays. Maybe even a few chapters on a backlog or something. Regardless though, when that day comes I also have some other fics I was poking at and cleaning up prior to my injury worsening and I think it'd be fun to upload some stuff in bulk! :] I've neglected a few other works for the sake of Answers (pouring one out for WYLTD last updated September 2018 LMAO) and I think it'd be a fun way to do things and also move into the new year!

But I'm rambling at this point! If anyone's read this far TYSM I APPRECIATE IT! 🫶 it hurt my hands to write this much which, knowing my typical word count, says something 😭💔 But I feel good and capable! It's just a temporary set-back and I appreciate the consistent engagement and kind words over all the time I've spent working on this fic thus far! I hope that you don't mind the wait too awfully, but know that it WILL be finished--I'm far too passionate about this story and these characters to simply leave it hanging. I don't like to half-ass anything I do :]

Anyways funny conclusion uhhhh <3 !

[rivet77]

Meditation used to be a practice that always confounded me, if I'm being honest. I would set a timer, close my eyes, focus on breathing fully & naturally through my nose, and it would feel like I'm attempting to stop a speeding train. My body would *fight* me, going "you can't stop, you have shit to do, you have things to worry about, how long as it been, surely the timer is getting close to being done, maybe you should check." Practically vibrating in my seat. My eyes would twitch. My body would itch. I'd literally be able to feel my heart squirming uncomfortably in my chest on every inhale. Every cell in my body would want me to stop, and prior to the last few months, I absolutely would have stopped!

Instead, I pushed through it. Insisted on holding the brakes down until I fully stopped, no matter how much the train wanted to keep going. I'd ask myself "why am I so uncomfortable" and start "scanning" my body, going through each part and intentionally relaxing it.

As this process goes on, eventually the breathing pattern stops feeling forced. The air begins to feel much like a drink of water when I'm thirsty, nourishing me, and it feels *good.* My thoughts happen, but I'm only observing them. I watch the lights & patterns on the back of my eyelids, no longer feeling my heart pounding against my chest, and I begin to feel an odd, almost... serene sensation above my eyes. As if a heavenly room opened up in my brain; where observations, ideas, and more come to me without much effort at all. It feels almost as if you're on the very edge of sleeping, without falling asleep. Before I knew it, the timer was going off. That's when it clicked. That's the meditative state I've been looking for.

Ever since I've been practicing it more and more. It's never anything long; I started with ten minutes, then fifteen, and I did twenty for awhile. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when you're sitting with your eyes closed, doing nothing, it can feel like forever (before you hit that meditative state, that is). Fifteen minutes is my sweet spot now, and by simply remembering the feeling of that meditative state, I'm able to reach it pretty quickly in those fifteen minutes. Before, i would spend most of the time trying to get there, but it's gotten much easier, and I almost always feel so much more clear and calm afterwards.

So yeah. If meditation has ever been a problem for you, just know that if you haven't practiced it, you're going to be stopping a moving train when you try. You need to keep holding down the brakes until it stops, or it will just keep accelerating. It'll be uncomfortable, and you'll need to learn to sit with the discomfort, feel it, and let it pass. What I found beyond that is 100% worth it

[zuzsenpai]

mental health update

I've been having a pretty shit year as far as mental health goes. I mean, I had an actual mental health crisis in February that was one of the scariest times in my life. It was all because I was trying to taper off a psych med and apparently that was a BAD idea.

In the months that followed, I was able to avoid a bad depression spiral thanks to getting back on that particular med. But I've been getting more and more exhausted, and when I have anxiety, I have it REAL bad. Like shaking and chest pain bad. Thought I had covid and nearly passed out waiting the 15 minutes for the test results. Zuko was sick and had surgery and I was in a constant state of misery and shaking and dizziness. I know I should probably get like... Xanax or something for this. Maybe I will in the future.

Anyway, my focus is almost non-existent these days. During and after Zuko's health crisis last month, I have been at a point where my brain just can't move. I think I've spent the last 30 days scrolling tumblr because that and projects at work (the ones with deadlines) are the only things I can actually get my brain to do.

I want to work on fanfic. So I open a project, but then am immediately like "no I can't get myself to mentally be on the same page as this project". I think about a different project and my chest feels tight because I both want to do it and don't want to do it. It's painful. I accomplish nothing. I want to play a game or watch a show but the thought of putting effort into those things destroys my ability to do them. I just sit and continue scrolling tumblr. I long for conversation but when I'm actually conversing with someone, I can only manage a few words and I hate myself for it. I long for validation or praise on past projects to help motivate me into writing fanfic again, but I know that's selfish and I know it doesn't motivate shit.

This is where I am right now. I don't know how to have fun or relax. I don't know how to focus on anything. I don't know how to want to focus on anything. I waste entire days fretting about doing nothing.

I've also never been more exhausted in my life. I got bloodwork done on vitamin D, B12, iron, and thyroid. All are within normal range. So I'm getting a consultation with a sleep doctor (I get about 5% deep sleep per night, which is NOT good). We'll see how that goes.

I'm starting an exercise routine soon. I'm hoping that does something helpful. But I keep pushing the date back in my mind like "let's start exercising next week"... so you can imagine how that's going.

[brw]

If you can answer my question, why do you still read X-Men comics? I read your article about fall of x from a few months ago, and given everything I've learned about Israel and what the krakoan era turned out I honestly don't know how anyone could still stick around after that.

So with the news that BDS is expanding its Marvel boycott, I thought I'd answer this question, and also broaden it up to why I, personally, am still reading comics as a whole.

The answer is that Marvel Comics is a large company with a lot of different writers, artists, and other creators on board and involved in its business. A lot of these creators have differing views, and Marvel Comics as an organisation is generally going to be as neutral as possible, to gain the most revenue from as many different people. And because of the way comic books are sold and are paid for, I find it a better use of my time to avoid certain writers whose politics I disagree with (Gerry Duggan, Chris Claremont, Benjamin Percy, etc), rather than the whole industry, as those creators are not the only people working at Marvel and there are people in that body who I don't mind giving some money towards their creations, like Ryan North or Jed MacKay.

By the time a comic gets to you on shelf, everyone involved in it has already been paid. Comic creators are paid a rate per page; the amount the issue actually makes doesn't go to them (although it's success might contribute towards a bonus). When you purchase an issue at a shop, most of the money goes to the retailer. Statistics aren't always consistent, but generally around 60-75% of the revenue goes to the store distributor. A boycott at that stage would only target the store, and not the people who have written the comic, as everyone there has already been paid before it got to you.

This is more iffy with digital releases, as the amount made from these isn't widely reported on. I've never bought digital releases, so I can't really boycott them so much as just avoid them.

There's a lot of issues with the X-Men, and a lot of the time, those issues keep me from buying and supporting the comic. However, much of the same can be said about, I don't know, any mainstream American media enterprise ever, and so far, I find it a better use of my time to focus my efforts in what we ARE actually meant to avoid and boycott in force, rather than a bunch of small, disorganised boycotts that are confused on what they're actually looking to achieve.

As for why, personally, I keep getting X-Men comics occasionally, it's because despite the flaws I do often like the characters, and I'm always curious to see how the core conceit of the series is articulated and portrayed by different writers from different backgrounds and experiences. Sometimes I really don't like this, so I'll avoid it, but sometimes I find it really interesting, so I'll buy it. The nature of comics means that there are hundreds and thousands of people working on the same characters and the same books, which makes it difficult to say anything definitive about the politics of a series, because it's always changing based on the politics of who is writing it at the time.

I'm probably never going to buy a Gerry Duggan or a Benjamin Percy or a Johnathan Hickman comic again. But those aren't the only writers who work for this company, and as I've said, those people have already been paid by the time I'm at the store, deciding what to buy. Instead, I'll read the comics from the people whose work I enjoy and want to see succeed. This isn't what everyone else is doing, and I don't besmirch or look down on the people who do decide to refuse to purchase everything as a consequence. This is just my personal feelings on things, and what I am doing moving forward.

[studentessa-socit]

🍂my goals for this semester🍁

university 📑📚✒️

study consistently

I am a bit of a crammer, I've never built healthy habits of studying day by day and always focused most of the effort in the last weeks before an exam. Since I noticed how draining and counterproductive this is, and since I have more material than ever to study this semester, I need to learn to be more consistent before the exam season and to make studying an integral part of my daily life all year long. (This will require a lot of romanticization).

not skip lectures

I've always been good at this, and only missed a few lectures (we are talking 10 at most) at the end of the second semester last year. But life made me regret a lot those few lectures I missed. So I made a point to never miss one this year, unless I am sick. It is simply too important both to understand the material and to enjoy the university experience overall.

learn to study by myself

This is the hardest. I've always relied a lot on body doubling to do anything difficult, having someone watching me study or studying with me is the best way I know to stay focused and motivated. But when it's the exam season and I need to study a lot, and I am in my hometown where I have limited access to libraries, this means studying with my boyfriend all the time. We love studying together, but this summer we noticed that it drains the relationship to spend most of the time together studying, and I need to learn to focus alone in my bedroom in these months when I can afford it, so I will be able to do it when I'll be in my hometown.

phisical activity 🧘‍♀️🏞️

For the first time ever I'm interested in excercizing more and moving my body to relieve stress and feel more present. I plan to try to stretch on a semi-daily basis and to:

join a yoga/pilates class

My university offers very cheap classes for a plethora of disciplines, I'm interest in joining either a power yoga or a pilates class once a week, I will as soon as I'll get my student gym card (it's a pain in the ass I hate the uni's sport centre's office).

learn cuban salsa

Me and my boyfriend are starting a cuban salsa class in my hometown which we will attend when I'll go home on the weekends. It will probably be a private class since we are the only couple who wanted to join and it'll start next week. I'm so exited, neither of us ever danced a caraibic dance and the teacher will be the same woman who taught my parents when they met.

go hiking

In the past couple years I've been hiking maybe twice a year and I learned I really enjoy it, both because I love being in the nature and enjoying the view and because the kind of struggle it's needed helps a lot my self esteem and self discipline in the weeks after the hike. I plan on hiking at least once a month from now on and on going skiing when the weather will be colder (this is not a new thing since I learned to ski when I was 5 but it's still a goal to do it more often).

generic 🎧🌾📚

be more organized

I am a messy girl, always been. I'm always running late, rarely looking put together and my space is mostly a disaster. I'm getting better and better everyday, but I still have a lot of work to do. I'm trying to be more intentional by getting ready early so I can be on time (for lectures, friend dates and catching the train), I'm meal planning more often and meal prepping when I know I won't have a lot of time to cook me lunch, I'm planning my outfits in advance and writing very detailed to do lists to make the best of my time.

explore the city

Last year I didn't explored Trento a lot, I spent most of my time in the comfort zone of the known places close to my apartment and university. It's understandable, but it's such a waste to be living in the city center of a "new" city and never explore it the way I could. It's difficult to do it while studying and taking care of myself, expecially considering that most weekends I go back in my hometown, so I will try to plan a few hours of free time once a week I will spend by going only in unknown places here in the city.

I also feel the need to spend more time in the nature both when I am in Trento and when I am in my hometown, and I probably need to plan it too.

hobbies and interests

I have a duolingo spanish class that's (angrily and aggressively) waiting for me to come back.

I have tons of fiction and non-fiction books waiting to be read.

I have a colouring book that hasn't been touched for a while.

And shows and movies that have been in my Netflix list for months while I keep rewatching Gilmore Girls over and over.

To read, to start back duolingo, to colour and to escape my comfort zone with movies and shows are not difficult things to do, I've been doing these things for years, but in the past few months I've been kind of absorbed by short form content and social media in general, I need to be more intentional in how I spend my free time. I know I can do it, I've done it before, it's just a matter of chosing to do it.

[ladyseidr]

So, as you may know from his muse page, Rory has ( obviously undiagnosed ) ADHD. I wanted to delve more into this ( and project some of my ADHD onto him lmaooo ).

so, we'll start heavier and then move on to the mostly lighter stuff: yes, his ADHD is disabling. no, he does not know that. yes, he's thinks he's just lazy and stupid ( he's not </3 ).

no, his would-be-shitty-no-matter-what parents do not help the above, although his mom's emotional abuse / judgment actually gives him the bigger complex abt it

he does struggle academically despite the fact that, talking to him about his interests / stuff he's knowledgeable about, he clearly comes across intelligent. he struggles with focus, some memory issues, plus general test anxiety despite claiming to not care about school. he hears a lot of "try harder" despite, like, actually putting effort in for many years of his schooling.

he graduates high school, barely ( as in, highly considered dropping out for 101 reason, including the ADHD ). no, he doesn't even consider college.

the combination of untreated ADHD, C-PTSD, and definitely an ( un ) healthy dose of depression make it hard for him to work "traditional jobs," so he does mostly odd jobs. at some point after getting his own place, i def think he starts diving into his art a little more. can aspen write a muse who isn't a creative? tune in next time to find out.

unrelated, but i am serious about the band idea. about him joining some local, semi-decent band as a singer.

ANYWAY some lighter stuff now: guy who always has one major ( months and months long ) and one minor ( 1-2 weeks ) hyperfixation going on at all times.

his common types of hyperfixations tend to be: specific comic book series or characters, specific bands, D&D, video games, and so forth.

he does get pulled back to previous hyperfixations sometimes, especially favorite characters ( like batg.irl, green ar.row, nightc.rawler, spid.er-man, etc )

please let him infodump at you. please let your muse find it endearing when he talks for 30 minutes straight about the latest Batm.an series. or about his new spray paint. or about anything.

btw i'm adding this just to be petty because i brought up comics but i promise you he called in and voted for jason not to die. i think older rory read "Under the H.ood" and felt the most validation he'd ever felt in his life. this isn't even fn.af-related anymore, let me get mad about D.C for a second—

( actually let's be real rory relating to jason big time is Real and Canon to me. anyway hayla, if you're reading this—)

sometimes his brain moves faster than his mouth and he literally can't say what he wants to say fast enough to get it out coherently ( real real real ).

he does miss social cues sometimes, but how much of that is ADHD vs him just not being properly socialized prior to school is debatable. pre-bite, he's able to laugh it off when someone calls him on it.

projecting big time but i think he should be a rocker ( as a stim ). if he's sitting down, he's probably rocking or bouncing his leg or something. if he's standing, he's shifting foot-to-foot constantly. that's not to say he can never be still, but he stims quite a lot. it's not always ( or even often ) a sign of nerves, he just gets restless.

in fact, honestly a lot of his idle behavior can scream "nervous" if you don't realize he's simply restless.

his recklessness is honestly not something i'd attribute to his ADHD. he has little care for his own safety, but i think that's a lot broader then ( or even wholly unrelated to ) his ADHD

does he ever get diagnosed? it's probably well into his 30s before he can even be convinced to try therapy, but yeah, i think eventually he gets diagnosed and tbh i think he probably cried the first time he read the, like, symptoms of it and realized it fit him. also when he gets on medication. this is supposed to be a happy bullet point but AGH </3

anyway rory infodumping at your muse starter call when?

[jellybeanium124]

adhd vent

cannot believe my psych might require me to do like $3000 and 16 hours of testing to """"prove""" I have adhd. give me 10 minutes I will leave you without a shadow of a doubt.

every couple of months I have this day. I never know when it will happen. but very rarely, I will have a day where I can just... do things. call the people I need to call, email the people I need to email, clean my apartment, run errands. I can get like 4 or 5 things done and I have to fucking milk it when it comes because most days are not like this.

most days getting 1 thing done is a win. getting nothing done is average. getting nothing done + being so filled with bees I can't even focus on stuff that's meant to be entertaining for more than a minute is a bad day. if I get the closing shift there's a 70% chance I will do nothing else that day because I do not have any sense of how time works and am worried if I leave the house to do groceries I will be late for work. on a good day I can do laundry before a closing shift. I never even remember to contact people until a time where I can't (at work, night). I can't even begin building habits like "exercise" because I don't want to do it and forming a habit for something that is technically unnecessary for my survival and I don't want to do is impossible.

there's a decent chance I will do absolutely 0 things on my days off because I'm so beat from work. this is part of why I'm getting into records. I have to LEAVE THE HOUSE to go to a record store. and because it is FUN and I might get a TREAT (new record) I am actually able to sometimes do it. this would be less of an issue if I had more friends where I lived. But Circumstances happened and now I only have one friend where I live. all my other friends are in [HOMETOWN]. I'm working on a second friend.

everything has an exact place in my apartment and if something isn't in its place (or for objects that move a lot, like my phone, one of its few places) I have Absolutely No Fucking Idea Where I Put It. I still have my TI-84 calculator from high school and I still use it if I know I'm gonna do multiple calculations in a row bc I will not remember the previous answers and the TI-84 records it for me. I keep it in my desk drawer. once I thought I lost my phone for like 10 minutes because I used my calculator and then put my phone in the drawer when I was done with the calculator. it took me forever to retrace my steps and realize what I did. I forget things one second after they happen.

I was constantly struggling to turn homework in on time from 7th-9th grade (12-14) and I only "fixed" that problem by developing severe anxiety over turning in homework late. and then I lived with severe anxiety during school years from 9th grade through my freshman year of college (14-18). idk why it suddenly didn't come back my sophomore year. probably because I moved out.

I wanna work in the film industry but that's driven by my effort and I can't even fucking remember I should be doing something about it most of the time!! and then reaching out to people is so difficult! sometimes for anxiety reasons but sometimes I just can't work up whatever I fucking need to work up to respond to an email. I love this work and once I'm on set I'm a hard worker and generally good (people seem to like me) but getting on set has been damn near impossible and not just because it's a difficult industry to break into.

this has just been my life. for 10 fucking years. and it's worse now because I don't have the structure of school or my parents looming over me. I only pay my rent because I have a calendar alert set up every month. I only pay for wifi and my credit card bills because they let you set up auto payments. my roommate is in charge of the electric bill and whenever they text me what my half of this month's payment is I have to venmo them immediately or it will never happen. when my calendar alert to take my birth control pops up on my laptop I don't let myself close it until I've swallowed that pill. when my alarm goes off telling me whatever's in the oven needs to come out, I don't shut it off until I'm out of my seat, otherwise I'd accidentally keep watching youtube or whatever and burn everything. everything's a calendar alert, everything's on a timer, I have a physical fucking whiteboard calendar on my desk to remind me of everything. if I didn't have these things set up and I didn't force myself to be diligent about it, I'd never remember when I needed to go to work, and banks and landlords would start coming after me.

my car is out of windshield wiper fluid. only the driver's side window goes down. the AC's out. and most recently the aux cord stopped working (this happened before and I got a new cord which worked for a short while so I think there's something wrong with the car). and I haven't fucking found the time to take it to someone and get it fixed. my AC is out!! in june!!! and I can only open one window!!! and I suffer because the car still technically works and drives me where I need to go and since this isn't life threatening or otherwise immediately pressing I have no idea when I will get to this!!!

I just want the days where doing two things being a major accomplishment to be a thing of the past. I want it to be a distant memory. I want to be able to function like everyone else.

you don't need to send me to someone for 16 hours across two days and cost me $3000. Idk what more proof you could possibly fucking need. give me the goddamn pills that will make my brain work.

[feiandart]

Posting 'em here again just to boost a bit my motivation today. I made 'em back in december, one of the first drawing I have ever made for myself only.

Will talk 'bout myself and my past from here, can skip it if you don't want my oversharing shit.

So. I used to work as a commission artist for years (5-6 if I'm not wrong), drew bit of anything you could think of and mainly sticked to NSFW art for most of my, uh, let me call that "carreer" even if it's probably the wrong term to use for it. Well, it paid my bills and rent for years, so we may stick to it anyway.

Thing is, I stopped drawing when I was eighteen. People, family first, always told me talent in art was all, practice would never have made it better and I should have kept it as a hobby rather than something to do as a job. Apart from my closest friends, no one encouraged me to practice and study and put real effort on it. I went to an art-based highschool (only because I couldn't focus on studying any subject, and art school is considered one in which you don't actually study at all here, so my parents thought it better to put me there as I wanted "so you can still graduate"), but I couldn't go ahead with art studies in professional comic schools, academies or any artistic department in university. No support on that front. Something like "be Caravaggio or be nobody" mindset was stuck into my head and I started actually believing that it was true. And since I was, and am not, Caravaggio, then what was the point? So I dropped the pencil and just forgot how to draw a fuckin' line for literal years.

Then I turned 22. I moved to another city for my studies. After completing 'em, my parents said me to come back home and I said no. They stopped paying anything for me since that moment, so I had to make things works on my own. Hopefully my rent was really low, so I could afford it with minimum effort, but had to buy groceries with coupons (not a common thing in Italy) and eat a lot less to make 'em last as much as possible. I found a job in a call-center, I cleaned houses and handed flyiers to people. And that's when I found out I cannot really be in social context for too long.

In the end I burned out, left all jobs and was stuck in bed for a month. I was barely 24, without a job, holding tight the little bit of freedom I ever got. I felt helpless and hopeless. I don't remember if my bestfriend or my housemate, but one of 'em said me to come back at drawing and givin' it a shot. What harm could that do afterall, could have been pocket money for a bit if it couldn't stick to something better.

I started from pencil. Then went to digital in a couple months. I practiced, started quite immediately taking commissions and honest to God I don't have the slightest clue of how someone whould spend money on some shit I drew without basic anathomy knowledge and after that much time without drawing. Still have no idea. So I drew. I made some quick animations, never did much there thought. Grew a little fanbase, went on with it for years. I even moved with my bestfriend, living with her alone for two years, got a cat I love that it's my actually support companion right now.

I felt happy for a bit, I believe. Imposter syndrome is always watching me afterall, that never stopped. It's just like there's another person in the room with me all day, whispering me I should do more 'cause I don't deserve any attention. Ugh.

However. I went on with that until 2023. I had to come back to my parent's house in 2022 and got stuck in here since then. Nightmare years. Still a nightmare period, but I'm managing. Thing is, past year I burned out so much I completed all my left commissions in a rush and actually dropped my tablet for months. I used it as a third screen, took away the pen and the glove and swore I would never ever be back at drawing again. Will not go into details of what triggered that burnout, but you got the point, I didn't want to draw again in my life at that time.

This is pretty much when Good Omens entered the room. It was late September, I saw a lot of videos on tiktok and since I watched S1 years ago, I decided to give it a shot to S2 too. It was an istant hyperfocus. Watched all over for weeks, both in italian, in english, in english with italian subs and english with english subs. Never done anything like that in my life before. By the end of October I came back at writing. So I started to arrange things for Up&Down, my first fic after uhm, like 15 years or so. And it felt so good! I went through 42 days of deep writing, posting a chapter a day just for myself. 'cause I wanted to write something I liked for the sole purpose of liking it. And it felt so liberating!

Then I thought: will this apply to drawing too, maybe?

Answer is YES. It did. I was inspired from the fandom, from MrGhostRat's art and Gleafer's, and started drawing again. I dug into english fanfictions, fandom artists I love, and the list just gets longer day by day. I started writing Sugar, and with it I started drawing illustrations for it.

I went from the image to the left to the one to the right in two months. Guys, I'll repeat it: TWO MONTHS. I never had such a quick improvement in years, practicing every fuckin' day, drawing my hands out of my bloody body. I drew for 5-6 years and never got to improve this much. I did now. And you know why?

'cause I started drawing for myself. I'm doing something I love. And I'm getting better at it.

And you know what? I'm quite angry now. 'cause if I didn't stop years ago, who knows where I could have been now. If I didn't listen to people saying me "be Caravaggio or be nobody", I could have done so much more by now. Maybe I could have been able to draw fuckin' furnitures by now. Maybe I would have started being able to draw the same face two times in a row years ago insted of now.

Maybe I could have been the comic artist I wanted to be. Maybe not the best in the world, but I don't fuckin' care of being the best one, I want to be one I'm proud of. I didn't get the chance 'cause out there is full of people without a dream who's only purpose in life is destroying other people hopes.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I'm done with people saying me I'm not a gifted child. I'm done with people coming at me saying I cannot do shit I love 'cause they have reason to make me do something different. People thinks to know what's good for me but I'm fuckin' 30 and I think I know it pretty well already, thank you very much.

I'm managing how to get hold of my choices and things I love now that I'm an adult, but dear Lord I keep on thinking of my young self and I want to hug that poor thing so much I can't explain. I'd love to say her everything's going to be hard, but good in some way. That things are difficult, but they will change. That people are shit, but she should be strong and fight back. 'cause I did it too late and I regret now, but she deserved better.

You deserves better. And I'm talking to anyone who's reading this. I don't know if you went all the way 'til here, but if you did: don't make my same mistakes. You know better than me. Don't let people spoil the things you love, don't give 'em power to destroy your will and put you in a closet for the time being. You don't deserve that.

Don't miss your chance 'cause people doesn't want to see you happy to be yourself. Don't do that. They don't deserve that power over you.

Love yourself more than I loved myself. I'm starting just now and it's hell. You can do better, I promise.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi i really need help. I feel so insecure and jealous. I don't feel or think that I am beautiful because I'm chubby. I have big arms and stomach. I've followed people on IG that have the same body as me and are content with it but I still don't see myself (or their bodies, I know I'm despicable) beautiful. I've been running for 5 months now but my weight still increased instead of going down. Please how do i become confident?

Hi love! Feeling like your mental perception of yourself doesn't match what you see in the mirror is incredibly frustrating. Everyone feels better at different sizes, so your feelings are valid here!

I believe that confidence in your body comes from loving yourself unconditionally while simultaneously making the deliberate decision to care for it to the best of your ability – through a healthy diet, regular exercise, proper skin care, a comprehensive beauty routine, clothes that fit well and make you feel your best, etc.

While this is purely anecdotal and in no way a scientific finding, I've found that your body seems to sort itself out once you start putting yourself first in every aspect of your life. I tend to be in my best shape when I'm working hard towards my goals, socializing regularly, putting effort into my outfits/daily appearance, eating a healthy diet but not restricting, moving my body for at least a few minutes every day, and generally letting myself work towards my potential in life if you will.

For weight loss purposes, it is more important to focus on what you eat and how much than any exercise routine. I would look into a predominately WFPB diet and then customize your meals/snacks to cater to your personal taste preferences, lifestyle, and energy requirements given your height, weight, and level of activity. See a dietitian if you need any help with this.

Additionally, you might want to try walking and low-impact strength training like pilates, yoga, and shorter 10-15 minute bodyweight exercises you can find Youtube to get started.

At least for me, I find that running and higher-intensity exercises/classes make my appetite soar, so it's counterproductive for weight loss. I think the merit of these exercises is more for the enduring training or muscle-building benefits they provide (which shouldn't be discounted – they serve a different purpose).

If you've been doing all of the right things, though, and you're not seeing the results you think you should be, go to your doctor for a blood test/panels to ensure you're not dealing with any underlying deficiencies or imbalances that could be sabotaging your efforts or otherwise negatively impacting your wellbeing.

Hope this helps xx

[andromeda4004]

Share it Sunday - Rebecca AU

I'm planning to start publishing this in about a month, and since I made great progress on it yesterday, here's a taste of the opening soliloquy. If you're familiar with du Maurier's Rebecca, I am changing a few major points of the plot, but still drawing heavily on some of the key points of the novel, including the first person perspective from an unidentified female narrator...

Last night I dreamt (more under the cut)

Last night I dreamt I went to Sanderley again.  It has been many years since I left that place – I shall not call it home – and yet at times my mind does drift back there upon a sleeping tide and wash me ashore where I used to dwell.  In my dream I come, as it seems, from nowhere, upon the night-time gatehouse and that long, disorienting drive, with not a thought but the pull to move onwards, inwards, through.  I part the gates, their white paint flaking, though they are caught up in vines and drag across undergrowth, and the gravel beyond is narrowed from a driveway to a meandering path through the woods, the route obscured here and there by a sprawl of shrubbery or the sudden upstart of a sapling, sprouting where once the car would run.  The woods go on and on, and I go with them, first walking, then running, then flying, as one does in dreams, along what remains of the path, dark ahead and enclosed above, until finally the trees give way to the opalescence of the rhododendrons, blooming at the height of their powers, despite all else having gone to ruin.  They rise steep to either side of me, the sweet domesticated perennials grown monstrous, twenty feet, thirty feet, forty feet high, and covered every inch in flowers, ghostly white in the moonlight of my imagining.  I remember the scent even now, something spicy-sweet and indefinable; indefatigable.  The inescapable scent of Sanderley in springtime.

It lingers even as I break free, finally, of the plants which choke the driveway and I spill out onto the lawns above the house.  That view, it always challenged me, should I admire first the gardens, or the sea or Sanderley itself?  Even in my dream, I cannot focus, cannot choose; after the homogeneity of dark trees then pale flowers, there is suddenly too much variety to see.  But of course it is Sanderley, always, that demands my attention, though the moonlight skitters beautifully across the wavecrests beyond.  The broad north-east face of the house stares back towards me, two unbroken rows of perfect matched windows that reminded me always of a set of teeth, locked in a gritted grin.  And bordering each window-frame that ostentatious golden finish which caught the light so prettily in the dawn, but stands out brassy now in my moonlit dream, the only point of colour in my sight.  There is something awful – in the sense of awe-filled – in its great mass of stone, and glass, and glorious history.  Sanderley is undeniable.  Sanderley simply is.

And as I come upon the house itself, I feel again that hope, that same, strange hope that dogged my footsteps always in those days; boundless, groundless hope that a wisdom greater than my own would guide me to a purpose.  When first I saw Sanderley with my waking eyes, I had thought I’d found it, that purpose; when last I saw Sanderley, I knew myself better, and I had no longer any need for hope.  I had certainty.

My dreaming eyes, however, they look across the years and miles and see Sanderley as it must be by now.  The ivy beginning to clog the stonework, the windows cracked and broken here and there, the soot stains where the fire broke free.  I move, without any sense of effort, around the building, to the terrace which faces the sloping gardens and the distant cliffs, where the driveway ends in a white portico and wide steps, now grubby and forgotten, and the perfect formal gardens overflow their box hedges.  Such a shame.  Someone ought to care for this place, I think in my dream.  Although it shall not be me.

____

I would love to hear thoughts and speculations, since many of you voted for me to spend time on this. I'm planning to post the story through October and November.