#i am moving in a month so I'm going to focus my efforts more for the next two weeks so its not such a difficult transition later

[blorbocedes]

Nico Rosberg: "I'm finally free"

02/16/2017 

The world champion after his retirement. The German who left F1 speaks for the first time:

I'm finally free. Pilots live like hamsters.

MARCO MENSURATI – The Republic

MONTE CARLO - HE GRINDS some Sichuan pepper on the smoked salmon that the waitress at the lounge bar at the Meridien Beach Plaza has just left on the low glass table. Then he stretches. "The fact is that I'm free, finally," he says. And with a pinch he lifts his blue cashmere sweater from his chest. The gesture - anyone who has ever frequented a paddock will have immediately understood - alludes to the "plain clothes" clothing, that is, the absence of team suits. "Free. If I'm here talking to Repubblica it's because I chose to. No one from Mercedes said to me this morning: "Go and talk to that journalist." No. Nico wants to talk, Nico talks.

Let's start with the choice to stop. Three months have passed, are you still convinced you did the right thing? Even more than before. The sacrifice you have to make to win a world championship is monstrous, in physical, personal and relational terms. For goodness sake, it's part of the game. A beautiful game, which I chose myself and which I wanted to play first.

But now that I've won - or, better, now that I've gotten where I wanted to - I can say: thank you all, that's enough. It was a golden opportunity to close my F1 book here, there was also a happy ending. Now I enjoy all the other beautiful things that are out there. Life can't just be going around in circles from morning to night, all year round, in a car. I'm a man, not a hamster!

The comparison between drivers and hamsters is a bit strong. Let's say: beautiful hamsters, rich and living a fantastic life.

But still hamsters. Yes, no offense. Formula 1 has been my life up until now. And I would like to continue to have a role in this sport. But I repeat: there is a whole life to live out there; and if you are a driver you are forced to always and only focus on your own activity, in the car and outside.

When you began your career as a driver, your father set the goals: "Win a race, win in Monte Carlo, win a world championship". The fact that you stopped exactly one second after reaching the goals indicated by your father, saying, "now I am free", provides a particular key to understanding your sporting and human story. Having a dad like mine was difficult, especially at the beginning of my career. Everyone looked at me, asked me about the son of an driver, do you know how many times I heard that? He helped me out of charity, but he was cumbersome: he knew everything about the world I was entering, what I had to do, what the others had to do, what was best and what was worst. It worked well. But then when F1 arrived I realized that something had changed: I needed to make mistakes, to do it my way. So one evening we talked.

Did you argue? We were clear. I really believe in the art of telling things as they are. I think that if we all did it, our lives would be simpler. On one side there was a parent who wanted to make things easier for his son, on the other there was a man who was looking for his own path. How do we move forward in F1?, we said to each other. In the end he stepped aside, and I thank him for the lightness with which he did it. He is an emotional guy (Rosberg is multilingual, his Italian is almost perfect, in this case he meant emotional, but the slip was too significant not to report it - ed.) and he was able to manage the situation in the best possible way and today I can only thank him for having let me do it, I would like him to know that it is only thanks to this that I am now here speaking as a world champion. And I would also like him to know that now I know how much it cost him.

Now you are a father too. What role did your daughter play in the decision to stop? More than my daughter, my family. It's the most important thing I have. And I had to ask them for a huge, unfair effort too. Now I want to focus on them as much as I can and be a better father and husband. Which is something I've already started to do, discovering that fatherhood isn't all that simple. There's very little talk about it, people always say "children are the most beautiful thing in the world" and no one says how complicated it is, especially for a father, to relate to a one-and-a-half-year-old girl. It's beautiful but also tiring and, let's face it, boring at times. You're there with another person with whom you struggle to communicate and inevitably you get bored. Then when you're not there you miss them, and above all you feel guilty because when you were there you were bored. It's part of the relationship, of growth, of the normality that a pilot can hardly aspire to.

Listening to you speak, it seems like you can glimpse behind so much lucidity, a precise path, psychological work... Did you get help from anyone? Yes. One of the keys to my success was the work I did with the mental coach. I had been working on that aspect for a long time, but this year I took new paths, it was more intense.

Isn't it just a fad? Is philosophy a fad? There have been geniuses in the past, Epicurus, Seneca, take your pick, who two thousand years ago already experienced the same problems, the same difficulties as us. Since they were geniuses, they also analyzed and codified them, giving us extraordinary tools to read what happens to us. In life and in sports.

Are you saying that you won the F1 world championship by reading Epicurus? I gave an example. Ten years ago I was jealous of my wife, I felt bad when she looked at someone else. Today I understood that the problem is not her looking at someone else, but me needing to have all her attention, and I have re-modulated my reactions accordingly. And we are all more serene. The point is that when you understand the reasons for your emotions, you adapt your reaction. And you reduce mistakes. It's called self-awareness. You have to work hard on it.

In addition to philosophy, how did you work on it? Meditation. It was the extra weapon this year. An art that you can practice anywhere, walking, running, in bed as soon as you wake up. Let's be clear, it's work, not magic, but if you practice it consistently and seriously, little by little it helps you improve . It helped me: I'm sure that ten years ago, in a situation like the one I found myself in in the last ten laps of Abu Dhabi, the decisive race, with Lewis slowing down in front and me crushed between the two Red Bulls and Vettel... I'm sure I would have crashed. Instead, I was ready. I'm not saying I was calm, in fact I remember that during the overtaking maneuver on Verstappen I saw everything red and I was very tense. But I was there. And I brought it home... Everyone should do it, teach it in school: we live on the edge, always connected, incapable of getting bored or being alone. We accumulate stories and we are less and less lucid . I, even today, the first thing I do every morning is twenty minutes of meditation. Then it was also very important talk. With the coach we talked about everything, including my father and Lewis.

Here, Hamilton. A complicated coexistence, yours. The journalistic stereotyping wanted the Englishman in the role of the talented and invincible champion, you in that of the zealous "underdog." Then you beat him but those stereotypes partly resisted. Have you ever wondered about your talent? Is he more or less than Lewis? I have always believed in myself; but it is obvious that he has a lot.

You did not answer. Because it makes no sense to answer this question. Talent is an elusive concept, which is also tied to that of self-esteem . What is obvious and what I can say calmly is that I do not beat Lewis with talent but with everything that there is in sport beyond talent; if I put myself on the level of "talent against talent" maybe I could do the same as him, but beat him -- no. It took more than that to beat him. I had to work outside the car. Optimize everything, make sure I brought 100 percent of what I had to the track, every time we raced. Or at least more often than he did.

You were very good friends as kids in the karting days. Best friends. A cinematic story. I still remember that night in Greece. We were on vacation together. After dinner, looking at the sea, he said to me: "Can you imagine how wonderful it would be if one day we found ourselves, you and I, at McLaren (the strongest team at the time, ed.) fighting for the title?" I thought about it, of course. It was my dream. I thought it would be the best thing in the world. Then it actually happened and now I can say that maybe it was, even if the friendship suffered. It's always strange when a dream comes true: it's never how you imagined it.

Now he'll continue to be a hamster and you'll do something else. Maybe you can become friends again. Well, now that there's no competition anymore, I hope so. I would like to. We were good together. Many say he is a strange guy, I think he is unique. I know him perfectly, I know how his brain works, I know everything about him.

He recently said he would have liked to see Alonso take his place at Mercedes. As a Formula 1 fan I could not have hoped for anything better, Alonso against Hamilton ten years later, it would have been a unique show. But I understand that the "Bottas solution" makes more sense for Mercedes.

Bottas is said to be saving Vettel's place for 2018. Well, the contract with Ferrari ends this year, for Mercedes it would be a sensible solution: they will certainly talk about it.

Schumacher in 2007, when he was retiring, confessed that he wanted to swim in the ocean with whales: a dream of his that he had never been able to realize because of F1. What is yours? Much more banal: I would like to ski, by contract I couldn't. And then take guitar lessons.

Michael Jordan said in '93 that he was retiring to be free. At most even free to return and start playing basketball again by choice and no longer by inertia. Right, but I don't find myself in it. My story as a Formula 1 driver is over. And I won't reopen it.

[wingedjellyfishflight]

The Couch

Your official job is as a psychiatrist, but not a single one of the men who visit you care about that. They don't care about you at all. They just want... your cozy damn couch. Every time you walk in the room, there is a big burly man sleeping or lounging on it. Rarely, it is a woman. This time, there are three of them fighting over it. You sigh and submit a request for three more couches. When the supply officer asks why, you claim it is for group sessions. He sends one couch over. It is almost as comfortable as the original, and they take to it quickly.

You stop in your tracks the day you spot a KorTac man sitting nervously on the couch. So far, only Price's team and his associated strays have taken advantage of the open couch. You smile briefly before moving to sit at your desk.

"I'm here if you want to talk, but the couch is open to whomever wants a nap or to relax. No talking required." He nods, slightly more relaxed, and you focus on your computer. When you look up later, you see he has laid down and fallen asleep, his soft snores filling the room. After that, you send in another request and another for more couches and a couple of reclining chairs. You are denied. They tell you to just bring in folding chairs. You decide to use your paycheck and bring in something more comfortable than folding chairs.

The next week, you are struggling to get a reclining chair down the hall as silently as possible when you freeze, a chill running down your back. Turning, you see Ghost standing only a foot away, silently watching with his arms crossed.

"I got a new chair." Your bright smile seems to just bounce off his broad chest, but you pay no mind to him, turning back to the task at hand. You get a few feet further and glance back to say something witty, but Ghost is gone. Another few feet, and you are bodily lifted by a set of strong arms before Ghost and König pick up the chair and carry it to your office with no effort. You thank them and ask if they would be willing to help you with one more thing since they are here. Rolling their eyes, they follow you.

Proudly, you show them the three large boxes that you bought. The men are not amused. Their body language switches from annoyed to almost angry when you pick up one of the boxes. König nearly tears it from your hands, and Ghost swiftly grabs the second box. Holding up your hands, you wait until they storm inside to pick up the third box and follow them.

It takes most of the day for the stuffing in the giant floor pillows to fluff up from being vacuum packed in the boxes, so you take the time to rearrange the room. The next day, opening the door after lunch, you spot no less than ten men and one woman lounging in various spots around the room.

A few weeks later and Soap asks if you can requisition another chair because he is annoyed that Captain Price is constantly snoring away in the only one. You shake your head sadly.

"Sorry, bud. I can't get another one for a while. Too expensive." He nods but puzzles over your wording for the next few days before filing it in the back of his mind.

It takes another couple months for you to save up, but you do bring in a second chair. Soap nearly dances when he sees it.

"I tried to ask supply for one of these for my office, but they had no idea what I was talking about."

"Oh, they wouldn't. They deem my request too frivolous every time." You tap away at the computer, only half paying attention to Soap.

"Then, how did you convince them?"

"Didn't. Had to go get it myself." The silence that falls over the room is far more tense than usual.

"You, you bought these for us? Like with your own money?" You sigh. Here is the conversation you were hoping to avoid. Turning to Soap, you see every person in the room staring at you, trying to work out what is happening.

"Yes, of course. Nothing but the best for my patients. I am the psychiatrist for KorTac and 141, after all."

"What?! We just, we thought you were just an officer with a comfortable couch. But you're a god damn psychiatrist?!" You can see several edging toward the door, nervously.

"Yep. Ghost, please wait just a moment." He hesitates with his hand on the doorknob. "Think about how long you've been napping in here. Have I ever overstepped? Four years I have been assigned to the 141, and not once have I updated your files. Luckily, I can claim patient-doctor confidentiality, or I would be out of a job."

"So, you haven't been doing your job at all?" This comes from Captain Price, who looks confused.

"Oh, I have been. If you don't mind sharing, what is the thing your last psychiatrist kept trying to force you to do, Captain?"

"Fuckin golf. Claimed it would be a good stress relief like I want to be a lazy damn officer."

You nod and glance around. "Ghost, what was your recommendation?"

"God damn yoga." You hear Soap snort and give him a small smile.

"Mmhmm, not something I imagine you would ever be interested in. And you König, if you don't mind?"

His voice is quiet but strong, "Guided meditation."

"Every one of those is rooted in the idea that you need to rest. My job was to find a way to make it happen, and I wasn't keen on being stonewalled and hated by the people I work with. So, I left the door open and passed a rumor around that there was a mythical comfortable couch. Sort of a build it and they will come." You pause and gather your courage. "As I have said from the beginning, talking is optional. Naps and resting are welcome. That's the way it will stay as long as I am here."

Turning back to your computer, you submit another supply request, worded slightly different from the last. A bigger office for more group sessions so both teams can be present. The silence in the room is less tense, but you don't look up from your screen, not wanting to see how many left, knowing who you are now. To your surprise, when you stand up to stretch, every spot is still occupied.

The next week, you get your denial and an inspection scheduled as you haven't been logging apppointments since posted there, and your constant requests have been noticed. The stress shows in the tenseness of your jaw and the furrow between your eyes, but you don't say a word to anyone.

The day of your inspection comes, and you brace yourself for invasive questions and the likely anger from whomever shows up when you refuse to answer those questions. You hint three time and then outright tell the lounging men to leave just minutes before the scheduled appointment, frantically trying to tidy up and make it look like you have adults as patients instead of sleep away camp.

"What is goin' on, lass?" Soap asks lazily from the floor pillow he refuses to vacate.

"I- I have an inspection, like right now." That gets their attention.

"Och aye! We will clear ou-" A knock at the door interrupts him. You take a deep breath, forcing your emotions under a smile.

"Enter." A man confidently walks in, faltering when he sees so many eyes on him.

"I am here to inspect your work, Captain. You were informed as to the time?" Standing, you salute him, then motion him to one of the seats.

"Yes, my apologies, Lieutenant Colonel. This group session ran a little late. If you could excuse us, everyone. We can pick this back up tomorrow. Hopefully." They all stand and salute the Lieutenant Colonel before walking out. He stalks to the chair in front of your desk.

"You will be lucky to make it to the end of the day if I have anything to say about it. You have clearly squandered resources buying all of this furniture, and there isn't a single update to any personnel files. Your explanation better be damn good, Captain."

You meet his gaze squarely before answering. "I am assigned to a unit whose work is often above top secret. I do not take notes on what is said in this room. I have found that doing so makes patients uncomfortable and, therefore, less likely to relax."

"That doesn't explain why you are not charting recommendations." You lean back and pull out a paper from a drawer.

"These are the recommendations previously listed in the files of various patients who are now under my command. Almost all of them fall into the same category: relax. So when I reviewed the files, I notated in the general team file for The 141 that relaxing activities would be undertaken as needed. The KorTac file gained the same note when they were switched to my purvue. There is no need to update individual files when I do my utmost to only hold group sessions, again for comfort to the patients."

He sits back, clearly not convinced, but at least pondering it a moment. "Why did you have KorTac transferred to your care? They were previously under another, frankly more competent, psychiatrist."

"Was that psychiatrist able to get them to open up? Honestly, I am curious if the team even showed up to their sessions by how sparse their files are. Colonel König has been here for six years, and his entire file is less than a dozen pages. The same could be said for nearly all of the KorTac team. There are notations in most of these files that KorTac and The 141 can not be in the same room for more than five minutes at a time without fighting. Yet nearly every day members of both teams are here for upwards of an hour a day, and they haven't had any fights outside of here in months." You snap your jaw shut, noticing the slightest of movement behind the Lieutenant Colonel. You stand and salute.

"Corporal, you've already saluted me. Sit down."

"She is saluting me, not you, Lieutenant Colonel." Colonel König salutes you back as the Lieutenant Colonel grouses about being interrupted before he turns and pales. He hurriedly stands and renders his own salute, which is returned with deliberate slowness.

"Colonel, if I may?" At his nod, you continue. "I did not mean to speak so flippantly of your records. I should have guarded their contents more closely. You have my deepest apologies." His eyes lock with yours, and you could swear he is either smirking or smiling.

"It is of no consequence. I am glad to know that you feel such concern, despite the public nature that such personnel files often suffer during inquests such as these." He pulls up another chair from who knows where and sits just behind the Lieutenant Corporal. "I will monitor to ensure sensitive information about need to know operations is not disclosed."

You nod, "Yes, Colonel. Understood."

The Lieutenant Colonel shifts uncomfortably with the gaze at his back. "Circling back to my first concern. The wasting of British coffers on unnecessary seating is clear gross misconduct. You will need to return all except for the standard single couch immediately."

"Yes, Lieutenant Colonel. When can you send supply over to fetch the other couch?" He looks surprised, as though he expected more of a fight.

"I will have to confer with them to see when they will be able to take so many large items."

"Hmm? Oh no, only the two couches, desk, computer, and the chair you sit in were issued. The rest I brought in at my own expense to better facilitate having over a dozen soldiers and officers in here at the same time. I do ask to keep the original couch. It is the only one long enough to fit many of the men I treat." He looks shocked.

"You furnished the rest?" You can see him fighting not to look around at the room, hand fidgeting on the desk.

"Of course. Patients come first in my care. Every request I have put in has been denied since the second couch. The number of patients I see has more than doubled with the strays that Captain Price and Colonel König have dragged with them into my office. We are running out of time today. Would you like to meet again next week, or do you have the information needed to close out this inquiry?" The Lieutenant Colonel seems shocked.

"But I have more questions. And you need to answer them."

"I understand that, which is why I am offering another meeting. But you scheduled just one time block for this, and I have others coming in right after. The noise he made was pure frustration, and he let loose without thinking.

"Listen here you cunt! You will not get out of this by claiming an appointment. You will answer my questions until I am satisfied and have enough to properly fuck you over the way you deserve! I-!" A hand claps onto his shoulder, making him wince in pain.

"Lieutenant Colonel Riggs. That is not conduct becoming an officer. You will cease your screaming and see yourself out. Your lack of preparation and knowledge does not permit you to abuse officers of a lower rank. You will join me in my office while we discuss this further." The icy tone has you wincing in sympathy. When the door shuts behind them, you nearly collapse on your desk in relief. After a long moment of fighting the urge to cry, you jolt when a hand rubs your back.

"Ghost, why are you still in my office?"

"Support?" You grunt before looking up at him.

"Thank you. Now, I'm going to have a good cry, so if you need to leave to avoid it, now is a good time." Instead of leaving, he makes you stand and walk to the couch where he tugs you to his chest.

"Cry all you want, Luv. I'm here for you, just like you were for me all those times these past few years."

[cosmicspark24]

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ Pick a card time! ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎

☁︎ Collective energies! ☁︎

Hi everyone! It's taken me a fair bit to get this done for you so any shares, likes and comments are appreciated. While reading I found some collective themes you can skip this bit or come back to it if you like it. Collectively there were lots of themes surrounding; new beginnings, new love (lots of romantic offers/new relationships), embracing creativity, investing in yourself, turning pain into power, going after your dreams, mental prisons due to perspective shift being needed, betrayals & travel. I hope you enjoy, I will be keeping these coming in 2025. Please check out my blog if you have a chance and there will be a Youtube channel coming next year. Love ya,

Thando

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Hello Pile 1:

Please remember that this is a collective reading so only take what feels intuitively to be your message. Thank you.

2025, 1st half:

The main theme of the first half of 2025 for you is new beginnings. What a wonderful start to a new year!! I see a few different themes for the people in this pile. We will begin with this theme of work. I feel that some of you have started new jobs, been promoted or are renewing your approach to work. There is an energy here of carefully balancing all the plates in your life, ensuring that you drop not a single one. I see this being something you achieve with relative easy. This does not mean it requires effort. I see some of you being very concerned with the idea of equal give and take. If the company refuses to pay me more, then I reserve the right to do the bare minimum and never agree to their attempts at giving me overtime - type energy. So if you have been thinking about a financial venture and have been feeling like you are not getting as much back as you are receiving, what can you change to facilitate you taking back your own power? I see especially for any masculines or women in their masculine energy/era that making money or juggling the important practical parts of your life is greatly important. I see you putting everything in your power in driving your new beginnings foreward. In that, I see that you are the wind beneath your wings. I am proud of you pile 1. For any masculines in this pile who have been confused about how to proceed with a relationship, I see you making moves towards that. For some of you this is physical travel to the one you love, for others you are taking a metaphorical journey back to your person. This reading is heavily talking about or directed at masculine energies. For women, I see this as you finally receiving clarity from a SP. This is someone you know to already have an interest but it is possible you were being given mixed messages.

2025, 2nd half:

The main theme of the second half of 2025 has to do with either you or a specific person. The theme is showing affection and attention to the one you like. So just take what applies. I feel that any confusion you may have had about a SP were cleared the moment you made the mental decision to stop hiding your own feelings from yourself. I'm seeing the energy of someone writing a message, pressing send, throwing away the phone and hiding under the covers. Then overthinking...well it's all in your head. Remember who the fuck you are in the second half of the year. Remind yourself that anything meant for you will make its way to you with ease. I see also for anyone not in this headspace, that you are focused on yourself. You are focused on treating yourself to whatever you want. You suddenly feel you haven't been socialising enough, and suddenly you have parties booked a few times a month. For the sexual beings, I see you getting yours in the second half of 2025. I see one-night stands, friends with benefits or anything that you like engaging in sexually being done wantonly. I see this self-focus on filling your own cup with dreams pr creativity bringing you immense peace. For those pursuing a SP, your success with this individual will bring you greater peace. Isn't that delicious?

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Hello Pile 2:

Please remember that this is a collective reading so only take what feels intuitively to be your message. Thank you.

2025, 1st half:

The main theme for the first half of 2025 is going to be money/business success. I feel that some of you have fully come into adulthood. I'm getting the feeling of 'my brain just fully developed'. The energy of this pile is that of someone who balances their maturity with their inner child needs. I see possibly a new job or a new business venture which came up as well for the previous pile. This new start can cause some confusion or introspection depending on the individual. I sense that you are scared of new beginnings or are used to doing things one sort of way but life has ushered you upon a new path. I see that the answers are within you, but you are too frightened to fully stand in your power and go, 'yes, I knew the last job was literally sucking my soul so it's okay that I have to pivot'. The key to happiness and business success for you is through following your passions. I know, how cliche. Yet you never know how a random talent or hyper-fixation can lead to something real and tangible. Pile 2, I see you moving on from previous heartbreak. You are burying and leaving behind painful memories of love and instead replacing it with passion, creativity and who knows...maybe new love.

2025, 2nd half:

The similarities in the actual cards I drew, is almost an exact replica with pile 1 so you may also relate to that pile. The main theme of the second half of your 2025 is all about renewal. Like a butterfly birthed from a cocoon I see you rise with fervour. You are focused and grinding. You are going so hard for yourself and achieving your dreams. You are being daring about things you've always wanted to try. I see you challenging yourself with hobbies, with thrill seeking activities. I see you achieving professional success and being in the spotlight for those achievements. Embrace it, soak it up. It is meant to be, let this be all the validation you need. There is a couple or two individuals who are aware of their spiritual connection to each other in this pile. You may have been on a break, or travelling or apart for some (necessary) reasons. You will get a sign sometime in this part of the year to connect with this person. So one of you will be reaching out via DM or however you both prefer your communications. I see a masculine in this pile in particular being very vocal about insecurities to do with work/business. I feel that this could be a masculine leaning on his mother through this time period. Just do whatever you need to to process your very valid fears then let it go. I recommend a burning ritual if this applies to you. This doesn't have to be a male person but whoever identifies with coming across at this stage of their lives in a masculine way. I see as a result of these conversations, you will make a decision on how to proceed and take appropriate action toward your new beginning.

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Hello Pile 3:

Please remember that this is a collective reading so only take what feels intuitively to be your message. Thank you.

2025, 1st half:

The main theme of the first half of you 2025 surrounds you being unsure how to proceed with a particular situation. I see a masculine energy or that of a person who is charming charismatic and self-assured,  being defensive and on guard with their heart after realising that they've the  love of their life. We always imagine that getting what we want we will immediately accept and embrace it. Instead Pile 3, you meet someone you like and you immediately acknowledge how unique and how distinct the feeling they give you is but you are so determined to ignore it or tell yourself there is something else at play here. Now that I am starting to interpret, I am seeing now that this lack of certainty from you pile 3 could be coming from how unbelievable it is to you to find someone you so strongly want to attach to and immediately want to drag down the isle, lovingly of course. You feel both lucky and scared that this little bit of luck might run away. For some of you I feel that you were already on a lucky streak and have now hit the motherload. I'll be honest and say though this person is the main focus mentally and emotionally, it will not be long between you realising that they mean that much to you and that your attraction for this SP is different, to you making an honest offer. For those already in union, your story looks a little bit different. For those in union, I am seeing an unmarried couple with the man in the planning phase of engagement. You will know if this is you because the masculine in the couple is strong, sexy and self-assured. He also may have been recently defensive about how much he is working. This is because he knows you want a surprise, he knows what you want in a proposal and he is gonna make it happen. The heavens are literally opening up to help you make this deeper commitment come together. Any couples with a wedding date in this half of the year in Pile 3, I see a great wedding and a true realisation that you have done the right thing by being with this person. Any couples already married, you could simply be deepening the bonds of your love. I see this through some sort of recitation of affections or something ceremonial (whatever that means to you)

2025, 2nd half:

The main theme of the second half of your 2025 is health. You may be having some secrets unearthed from your childhood that opens a can of worms for you to now digest. For some of you, you simple know that you have leaned too long into your naivete and have decided to finally do something to facilitate your growth and maturity. This pile is giving growth. With this new journey to explore the depths of yourself, comes gossip. There comes talks and speculation about how you are making so much money. How are you acquiring so many assets or how are you never seeming to struggle financially? Then the chatter goes into your sex life. There could be rumours you are sleeping around for money or you are being particularly sexually free at this time. This may or may not be an accurate representation of what you are doing, but that matters not. You are not defined by people who are not taking the time to know you but instead, speculating like you are spectator sport. If you are being at all promiscuous then please be aware that this can cause more burden or a different sort of trauma to unpack at a later date. By interacting with so many people, you are opening yourself up to microscopic tears to your psyche that will need to be repaired. I see you receiving messages from a SP. The feminine in question is coming through as a confident, sexy and ambitious woman. The man is coming through as ambitious, powerful and sexy. This is not necessarily gender specific so you could be the woman with the qualities of the man I see in this reading. It's not something to get hung up on. There is a sense that you are both defending what you have to the outside world while also drowning in the passion that you clearly have for each other. You're both drowning, willingly.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎

Hello Pile 4:

Please remember that this is a collective reading so only take what feels intuitively to be your message. Thank you.

2025, 1st half:

The main theme for the first half of your 2025 is gossip and or chatter. Yet despite that being the main theme, the clarifying cards also show me a different secondary main theme which is of material comfortability. The reading has more pentacle cards than anything signalling money and resources, tangible or physical. You are coming through Pile 4 as a confident, successful single. If you are not single, you are certainly someone who feels whole and complete within themselves. This is not at the expense of another, but just an expression of the work you have done on yourself up until now. I feel the need to say Pile 4, you should be so proud of yourself for everything that you've achieved. You. Did. That. I see you being generous with you resources, but also vigilant. I see you making your younger self proud by being able to facilitate your desires materially. You have worked your way into a lucrative job or if not, you have lived a lifestyle well beyond your means and gotten comfortable with watching your savings beef up. If you need a massage you just get it, kinda energy. You don't think well, is there enough in my account, because you are either so financially responsible you know the ins and outs of your funds, or you're not pedantic but you allocate enough funds for everything you need. You run like clockwork even if it's something that you didn't always do. You have gotten to a place where you know which buttons to trigger within to achieve anything you need for different aspects of your life. You are coming across as untouchable, Pile 4. Your aura is extremely attractive right now and you could not look more delectable. You may be giving or receiving an offer of affections. This could be platonic or romantic but I feel for more of you it is romantic than platonic. Though you may have to take a second to think about it, you will consider yourself lucky in this opportunity and take it. You and your new love are happy and materially comfortable, together.

2025, 2nd half:

The main theme for the second half of your 2025 is grief/burdens. Some of the people in this pile, I see you travelling to pursue a new beginning. This could be anywhere to a new country/state. For some you are moving your whole life elsewhere while others you simply have not travelled enough and are off to make this dream a reality. There's something public about your trip. You could be documenting it or you may be very vocal about any struggles you may experience along the way. Struggles with money or logistics. Through the hardship though that you may experience along the way, you find yourself. For some you are finding yourself again, deeper aspects of your iceberg beneath the surface.  You find your own resilience and you are enchanted by it. You may at times punish yourself or self sabotage. You might spend too much on ubereats instead of saving or using sex as a distraction from your life. So long as you are being mindful and checking yourself when you feel those escapist tendencies coming through, you should be fine. A lot the changes you are going through at this time are fated. I see you going on a long journey of self-discovery, especially surrounding betrayals from others or from yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to go through this period in a messy way because it's through the chaos that greater clarity will come through. It's through the inner conflict that you find that flickering ember of light.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎ ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎

Hello Pile 5:

Please remember that this is a collective reading so only take what feels intuitively to be your message. Thank you.

2025, 1st half:

The main theme of your reading for the first half of 2025 is parents/authority figures. I feel that in this pile someone feels that they have been betrayed or duped by a parental or authority figure. Well I am here to tell you that the instant-karma they are about to receive will make you smile a little on the inside. I see you receiving a message likely through messages/online that this individual in question has been punished. Now this could look different for different people but for some of you I sense jail. Others more like a streak of bad luck or losing something important. I see a couple represented as masculine and feminine but these are energies not actual sexes. Both thinking, separately about their shared future. It's like people who are already seeing each other starting to daydream that they can really make it work. Or this could be friends who are starting to fall for each other. Well, aren't you lucky Pile 5 for the one you want not only wants you, but you are ordained to be together. You will receive the true happiness you have longed for. You forge forward you two lovebirds, leave the dust (parent/authority figure) behind as you hold each other shamelessly into the future.

2025, 2nd half:

The main theme for the second half of your 2025 is that of sexual tension/sexual exploration and for some of you just mental self-flagellation. You take whichever sounds like it resonates. Pile 5, you are becoming more and more self actualised as time goes on. In the second half of the year, you are feeling even more so that you are understanding yourself more and therefore better able to reach your highest potential. You know you are a star, you know you are destined for greatness and you know you have the will to achieve it. You have the tenacity, the staying power and the patience. You may receive heartbreaking news of betrayal in the second half of the year. For some of you this is because the person you were with has been unfaithful in some way (could be cheating or lying or anyway which counts within your own value system). For some this news was so obscure because there was some deceptive energy from the source. Once you speak to your partner, you unearth and realise that it's not your partner that is the problem, but elements outside of your relationship that are trying to cause you confusion and evidently a breakup. Whichever group you belong, I see this being something you will conquer and overcome through your self confidence. Sometimes the best way out is through. I see you refocusing on your foals, creativity, sexuality and therefore returning yourself back to a state of true happiness. You realise that as long as you have yourself and your dreams, everything else is inconsequential.

@cosmicspark24

[axrynic]

Hey internet neighbors, a loong note from me the artist, that I would prefer be a journal entry, but I think it will be helpful for me to post if I am to move forward in any online capacity.

I've been divesting from social media and the internet in general the past couple months, and my mental health and general sense of direction and purpose and connectedness has improved so much that I want to keep removing myself from the internet more and more. I don't want to be thinking I'm self important enough that random people are wondering about when I'm going to make new art, but I also feel a sense of apology or need for explanation.

Going through health issues and having surgeries and ER visits and not making art for months helped me realize the extent that I got burned out from making mostly caitvi fandom smut and now I'm just gonna paint landscapes like Bob Ross on physical canvas. Literally. Or maybe paint food. i don't know. But no more fictional characters. No more digital art for a while. I need something tangible. And I need it to be my own.

It's the consumerism and social media trends and fandom policing and attention economy and puritanical conservative ideologies and lack of media literacy and rejection of expertise and prescription over description and limited imaginations and neoliberalist stories masquerading as revolutionary and finding your niche and overidentifying with characters and lack of useful critique and knowing your audience and posting schedules like who the fuck is able to feel truly artistic and creative under these circumstances?? Even the motivation for developing my technical skill I felt withering because in the context of AI's antagonism toward the meaningful labor of creation, there's no fucking point.

The only way I will survive creatively is a rejection of this reality. Of industry and productivity. I want to create what feels new and inspiring. True escapism into a world we could have. A world without limiting beauty standards, or celebrity, the thousands of personal preferences projected onto an artist's personal expression. The only way is not to post. Not to document. Reduce the self and public surveillance on the art. I want to hierarchy my intimacy and vulnerability away from parasocial relationships and public yet anonymous personas.

I'm tired of trying to document the intangible. I need to focus on my purpose- how am I making the world around me better and easier to live in? Who and how does this help? What does my art contribute to? Positively and negatively? Representation matters and is not enough for me. I've chosen to work as a therapist because animation was not enough for me. I need my art to support my efforts to help people with healing. Painting an ecosystem without capitalism and colonization seems much more revolutionary than muscular light skinned cop characters having kinky sex. Who is going to feed the revolution? What am I fighting towards? Why even are words of effort framed within violence?

What do I want to grow towards?

[thesilmarillionblog]

𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭: 𝟗

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: You and Soldier Boy want to create a family and move on from everything, even the Vought, but you also know that he has to face Homelander one last time to keep his vow to Butcher. However, nothing turns out as you had hoped.

Pairing: Soldier Boy x Reader

Warnings: +18!, SMUT!, memory loss, language, creeplander, naive reader, vaginal fingering

Word Count: 6664

A/N: English is not my first language.

Song: 'Alone with My Thoughts on a Windy Night' by Lønely.

Butcher got in touch with you and asked you to come in the morning after you and Soldier Boy finally had a peaceful dinner and a pleasant talk. When Soldier Boy heard his voice, his face changed. He showed as much respect he could, and you were relieved that he remained calm during your conversation with Butcher. You were shocked by how he behaved, given his hatred for Butcher. It was nice. 

He was, however, clearly prepared to kill Butcher and his whole team without hesitation. After all, he had his own reasons. 

You made an effort to be more polite and gentle compared to earlier since you didn't want Soldier Boy to change his mind. After all, he had been miserable since the morning. 

When Soldier Boy asked you to eat more, you said, “I'm full, thank you,” breaking the silence. 

Stating: “You must eat so that you can regain your strength.” He tugged your chair smoothly till you stopped at his side just as you were ready to get up. “How are you going to get your memory back if you behave like this?” You let out a gasp and reached for his shoulder for support.

You turned your head away and moaned, “I'm about to puke,” as he tried to make you eat more. “And I’m sure eating more has nothing to do with gaining memory back.”

He said, “Of course it does,” as he kept eating like a greedy beast. As you saw him swallow half of a cheeseburger in one bite, your mouth fell open in astonishment. “Your mind cannot function as well if you don't eat properly since you can't regain your energy. It's simple.”

You finally picked one of the pies and began eating after seeing him enjoying the dinner so energetically.

Ignoring his comments, you giggled, “Can you eat any faster?” He ate everything on the table with great dedication and focus. Your chuckle transformed into an empathetic smile before fading away as you realized he had also been asleep for months. Just like you. You both had missed so much.

Until he was full and given up, you didn't say anything. It is likely that his jaw became weary from functioning for two hours. Then he burped, stretching his powerful muscles.

"Fuck. Sorry for that," he stated while raising his eyebrows and giving you a regretting glance.

"It's alright." You laughed at his attempt to appear gentle as you saw him struggle to avoid making the same sound. He looked funny when he tried to be kind.

Soldier Boy was about to say that you used to be disgusted by him burping whenever you two ate together, but now you didn't appear to feel that way. But if you complained again, he'd feel better. He kept this thought to himself because there was no use in ruining the atmosphere at the dinner table, though. 

He took a look at you and said, “We can leave now if you are done.” He would tell Homelander that he didn't want to be bothered till tomorrow later.

As you swiftly swallowed the final piece of pie, you nodded to him and started to stand up. You swallowed the piece and then licked your lips. “I am ready.” 

After following you, he realized there was just one pie remaining, so he took it while adjusting his suit. To remove the unpleasant smell from his body, he needs a cold shower. 

He winked at you and swallowed the entire pie. “I'm going to eat your pie if you are okay with it.” You were taken aback by his greed. He would probably eat until he felt worn out if someone challenged him. 

“It’s fine.”

Soldier Boy kept his hand on your back and continued to rub it there while you were on the elevator, as if he could sense your nervousness and was trying to reassure you. On the seventh floor, the elevator stopped. The person standing in front of you was Homelander. You wanted to break all of his teeth when you saw the big smile on his ignorant face. 

You remembered Homelander even if you didn't remember Soldier Boy. It was impossible for anyone to forget such a tyrant, a monster. If there was enough space in the elevator, you could back off a step, but there was no way to avoid him at this point. He was staring at you with his deadly blue eyes with joy, as if he had finally seen his buddy after a long time. The way he looked at you made you sick.

Sensing your uneasiness, Soldier Boy's posture changed, and he immediately took his hand in an attempt to show that you were his and that Homelander could not harm you or anyone else. But it didn't calm you down. Despite being his biological father, Homelander didn't give a damn about what other people thought. You were sure he didn't care what Soldier Boy was thinking about him. He only cared about his own animal instincts. 

The thought of him being the son of Soldier Boy got your body tense. It felt strange. 

“Look who we have here.” Homelander put one gloved palm on his chest as if he couldn't believe his eyes and added, “I guess someone changed sides,” in a happy tone. “I'm glad to see you in Vought with Soldier Boy, safe and sound.” 

“Cut this shit off,” Soldier Boy said before he could react. 

If Homelander referred to him as ‘dad’ or anything, that would be disgusting. He was undoubtedly cautioned not to be called like this by Soldier Boy. 

Homelander grinned proudly as he saw your hands locked together with Soldier Boy's. “I'm just relieved that you're finally on the right side. But I guess you're heading out.” Homelander was ready to say that you are now his mother-in-law, but he changed his mind since he didn't want to bother Soldier Boy. It would touch his nerves for sure. He had become overloaded with work; there was just too much to do. “I want to know how your former team is doing. They must be heartbroken to see you change sides. I hope that they took it well. Especially Butcher.”

Soldier Boy inhaled deeply and was ready to say something nasty when you said, “They are doing fine.” 

“Find your own spoiled son first and don't disturb me or her until tomorrow, and also politicians are being a pain on my ass,” Soldier Boy replied finally, pulling you closer to him as he became irritated with Homelander's conversation with you. “You have to start somewhere.”

“At some point, they will stop talking. I know you're not very good with the Internet, but I can tell you that the number of people who are rooting for you keeps increasing every hour. Now that you're popular again, make sure it stays that way. Nothing else is important. You just don’t blow up.”

Homelander waved his hand, seemingly unconcerned by them. “But first we must get rid of Butcher and the others. I considered Vicky unkillable, but he fucking murdered her together with the others. That is an extremely serious problem.”

Hearing Homelander discuss killing Butcher and others made you uneasy. You didn't want the others dead, even if you couldn't recall them and they lied to you all together. He was obviously referring to Butcher on purpose. It was intended to either annoy you or serve as a warning through you. It didn't really matter that Soldier Boy was holding your hand at the time. Both of them desired the deaths of your friends. 

Soldier Boy kept holding your hand even if you wanted to release it. Being around people who wished to kill your friends was frightening and unsettling. You couldn't sympathize with Homelander, but you could understand Soldier Boy's motivation for a reason. Homelander was a disease. 

“We'll discuss such matters later, and they won't cause any more issues.” Soldier Boy simply stated, “Don't fucking call me until tomorrow. There are other things that need to be resolved first.” He avoided talking about Butcher and others with Homelander while you're still in the very same place as them.

Homelander's actions angered him, but he would handle it later. 

You exhaled in relief as the elevator came to a stop and you and he left Vought Tower, Homelander, and his crap words behind. Until you got into the car, Soldier Boy continued holding your hand. Both anxiety and worry were still causing your heart to beat. You were afraid of Homelander and the terrible things he could do. It was useless to deny it. If it would benefit him, he could do any vile thing he wanted, no matter what they were. 

Soldier Boy's head turned to you as he drove you to his house, feeling the dense atmosphere between you. “He wouldn't dare to hurt you.”

You should have been soothed by his powerful voice, but it didn't. 

You openly commented, “It feels wrong seeing you cooperate with him. I'm not sure if the old me that you were in love with would appreciate that.”

Although you didn't want to come across as harsh, you found yourself talking to him as though you were prepared for another debate. But it wasn't what you wanted. Just as you chose to believe in Soldier Boy from the start and continue to do so now, you wanted to be certain that he would always choose you. 

“If only you could remember what happened, it would be easier for you to understand,” he said. You felt terrible because you thought he could've been a little nasty and sound harsh, but he wasn't. He was just calm. 

He took a big breath after looking at your perplexed look. “Even after finding out that Homelander was my biological son, I still wanted to kill him just as much as you did. He's just a cheap lab product, so it didn't really mean anything, but I was still going to kill them all. It may have turned out differently today if your pals hadn't betrayed me there.”

His serene and honest explanation made you feel a range of complex emotions.

You attempted to picture your life with Soldier Boy and wondered how it would be if you didn't lose your memories. With Butcher and the CIA's assistance, Homelander would die and Vought would be destroyed. It sounds like a nice and peaceful world. The day you lost your memories was a vast void that you were unable to fill despite your best efforts.

“I didn't mean to blame you,” you added sadly, attempting to show him that you truly felt sorry for him for everything. Soldier Boy didn't appear to be a despot or ruthless person, despite what Butcher told you. “All I need to know is that you won't participate in their evil plans as Homelander and the other Seven members do. I can't stay with a man who hurts other people.”

“It's not my intention,” explained Soldier Boy. “I can't say that I've done nice things in the past, but I'm... different now.” 

“That's good to hear.”

You both needed the quiet and tranquility that the remainder of the route offered. You were relieved that Soldier Boy was kind enough to purchase a house because you had been so stressed out after spending the entire day at Vought Tower. That would be more comfortable. You were aware that Homelander controlled and stayed in the Tower, and you could not possibly sleep there in the same building with him. 

After parking in front of a very decent house, Soldier Boy used his keys to unlock the door and softly brushed behind your back, encouraging you to come inside. Like his ego, you would have expected him to have a big house, but it was actually rather lovely and appeared surprisingly modest. The ambiance was pleasant because of the dim light and the dominant use of brown and green shades. 

Although the oriental rugs between the coach and the TV were completely un-American, it appeared that he was full of surprises and had unique design preferences. In fact, it appeared to be a charming house from the 1990s. It was also modern, so it looked a bit mixed. You were fine with it.

You could feel him watching you enthusiastically as he shut the door, as if he was trying to gauge how you were going to react. 

As you entered and lightly touched the surface of a large green coach, you told him, “Your house is very...sweet,” with a sincere smile. Your heart was racing frantically as the atmosphere grew heavier. After all, you were in the same house with the strongest Supe. There was nothing wrong with feeling like that. 

You noticed him taking a sigh of relief. You turned to face him as he drew closer. “Our home,” said Soldier Boy instantly. The quickness with which he could melt your heart was terrifying. “You'd told me once that you didn't like big houses.”

Another memory that was missing. God knew how many there were of them. 

You said, “Ah.” Now, it was painful to be unable to recall a single conversation you had with him. You grasped his hand with gratitude, realizing that he did care about your taste when he designed and purchased the house. Not even knowing where you were, he must have thought about you and what he would do once he found you. 

Now, you didn't even know his name. 

Your heart ached, and every argument you had with him felt wrong. 

You inquired, “Where will I be sleeping?” You could look at the entire house later. You felt exhausted even though you hadn't done anything since the morning other than hang out with Soldier Boy in Vought. A lot of things would change after tomorrow. You needed to relax your thoughts and your mind.

“I didn't get you a separate room. I hadn't planned to find you suffering from memory loss,” he sighed, clearly upset by the way things had turned out with you.

“Sorry,” you said in a whisper while genuinely studying his eyes. The situation was hard to convey in words, but it was agonizing to desire to comfort him and reassure him that everything would be fine soon. You only wanted him not to blame you, regardless of whether you remembered him or not. You truly felt sorry.

“It's alright.”

Soldier Boy led you upstairs to see your room after seeing your attempts to suppress your yawns.

Soldier Boy's hands remained on your back the entire time, seemingly sensing your nervousness as he led you upstairs to show you the room you would be staying in from now on. Even if you had been with him for a long time, despite the fact that you couldn't recall those times, he was still kind of a stranger. Fixing it would take some time. Of course, there wouldn't be any issues if you allowed him to use Cate's abilities on you. But you weren't prepared to do this. To find out whether he truly loved you, you had decided to get to know him as well as let him get used to the new you. 

In an attempt to show that you were cool and prevent him from bringing up the Cate issue again, you looked about and softly touched the massive wardrobe and then the bed's cushion. You were too exhausted to engage in the same debate. A deal is a deal. 

You were right to check the wardrobe to see if there were any clothes for you. The answer is yes; he had considered everything. You were devastated by the idea of him setting up the room in anticipation of finding you and building a life with you. You couldn't ignore his effort, even if you didn't remember him. He must have been really disappointed to find you this way. You were a disappointment.

You said, “It's a lovely room,” as he walked slowly behind you, making your heart beat. Being in the same room with a supe made it difficult to concentrate on important issues. Once your guy was a supe. He was a supe that was once your boyfriend. Most probably. 

“I'm glad you liked it.”

Soldier Boy hadn't planned to show you the room that was. He hadn't imagined this moment like this, but what was done was done. For the moment, it was all he had. He felt that it was something like displaying your room to a complete stranger who looked just like you, but he soon brushed these feelings aside as he became irritated. You might reestablish your connection with one another. Everything would be okay as long as you had each other. All he needed to do was wait three months. Not a single day more.

By locating Cate and allowing her to use her abilities on you, he could have made you remember everything. The thought of forcing you to do something like that was an option, but it wasn't right. Now you were even more stubborn. Your submissive and docile side, which put all of your trust in him, was far better. But now he had to put up with whatever you had. He might be able to make you change the way you view things later.

Soldier Boy stepped back and set his firearm on the table. Shortly after you sat down on the bed, he started taking off his supe suit and loosening his belt. Your cheeks flushed, unsure of just where to gaze. Soldier Boy, however, grinned mischievously as he removed his hefty chest plate and then everything on him after hearing your heart race. Even though your eyes begged you to stare at his packs, thick belly, and massive shoulders, you chose to look straight into his eyes.

You tried your hardest to imagine how you had once before touched each other and how many times you had touched his body. You were happy that he couldn't read what you were thinking.

He finally laughed as he said, "You don't have to torture your eyes and force them not to look at me," taking pleasure in your small battle. "Enjoy the view."

You only muttered, "Funny," but you were encouraged to take a quick glance at his physique.

You watched him enter the bathroom and turn on the water. Finally, he turned back to the room and removed his gloves. All he had left were his pants. It was a flawless appearance, no doubt about it. Fortunately, he didn't say anything obscene while you were watching him strip off. It was lovely to see him dismantle his outfit piece by piece. His muscles alone were enough to give you an idea of his strength. 

Soldier Boy remarked, “If you need a quick shower, you can join me, you know. To save the water.” as he set his phone aside and unbuttoned his pants to remove them as well. 

You responded, avoiding eye contact this time, “Unfortunately, I already took a shower in the morning, remember?”

“Your loss then.” 

When he removed his trousers, your cheeks flushed, and you lay on the bed to avoid staring at him until he removed his boxers as well. Even though he remained silent, you could hear him smirking. When he entered the restroom, you were now watching the ceiling. While he was having a shower, you finally got up and dressed. 

Soldier Boy emerged from the bathroom with a small towel over his belly as you looked over the stuff he had purchased for you inside the wardrobe. As soon as he glanced at you with a broad grin on his face, you immediately stepped back and swiftly lay on the bed, cradling your pillow. He was clearly delighted by your attempt to get a glimpse of his physique as if it were your first time. Since it was truly your first time, he thought it was funny to see how you reacted.

He abruptly dropped the towel from his belly, revealing his entire wet body to you as he turned to face the wardrobe.

“Don't you have shame?” You grumbled as you finally dropped your pillow beneath your head after tightening your fingers around it. Otherwise, you would bite it out of excitement and embarrassment. Pressing the yearning that was waking between your legs was challenging. You were watching as the drips from his damp hair fell shamelessly down his back and onto the floor, as well as down his tight ass. 

“I'll let you enjoy the view. We've seen each other naked a hundred times.”

“Sorry, I must have a weak memory, but I think that is something fixable at least.” 

“You know what they say; practice makes perfect. It will be my pleasure to help you in this.” After giving you a playful response, Soldier Boy turned to face you entirely nude, revealing his entire wide, muscular physique with pride. He's already excited by your lively and humorous demeanor, which is causing him to think about dirty things. When he noticed your bold attitude, his body forgot the chilly shower he had just had. He was relieved that you held your attitude.

Before he put on his boxers, you had a quick glimpse at his manhood. You felt a little uneasy due to his size and questioned how you could possibly have taken his beast inside of you without Temp-V. It must have been hard for you both to have sex because he was a supe. Perhaps that was somewhat painful from your side. The only way to know was to do it.

You allowed him enough space to lie next to you on the bed when he also put on his sweatpants and t-shirt. It kind of felt odd. As you observed him, the strange, weighty feeling was still present in the air. Once more, the sadness you experienced in Butcher's home, where you and Soldier Boy spent the night, was palpable. You couldn't explain it or understand it; it was just a powerful emotion. It seemed like an ode to the memories you and he had lost. You could rely on it, which made you feel comfortable around him and less frightened of him.

Thus, you moved a bit closer to him while he gazed at you expectantly, as if he were paying attention to how you reacted to him, as if he were attempting to enter your head and find out what you were thinking about him. 

“Come here,” he murmured, and as soon as he noticed your cautious attempt to stay near, he immediately embraced you in his powerful arms. 

You took a big breath of his fresh scent. His aroma was a combination of wood and ocean, a wild but mixed scent. You may claim that this wasn't a stranger at all because it has been said that people had smell memories. You could practically taste and almost recall his in your mouth. 

By complimenting him, you tried to ignore the space between you. “You smell nice,” you remarked. You didn't want to forget him, that's for sure. You desired to remember what you were missing. All you wanted was for things to go escalete naturally, though. He had to give you enough time to get to know him again. 

Then you recalled his sour remarks that if you forgot him, he wouldn't love you. Did he tell the truth to you? Was he being honest? You hoped he could give his name to you without you asking for it anymore. But you didn't press him. 

He just responded, pulling you closer. “Hmm.”

As he watched you, you placed one of your hands on his sharp jaw and massaged and stroked him there. Even though you were even unable to recall his name, he was a little perplexed by how at ease you were with him, but he was completely cool with it. In that one real instant, your heated arguments earlier meant absolutely nothing. You went through all of that pain for that little, gentle, and tender moment.

As if to show you that he would be gentle after you took Temp-V, his powerful hands lightly patted your back. But you couldn't ignore his strength; you knew he would easily rip you in two if he utilized it even little on you. You weren't scared at all, yet it was enough to make you shiver. Simply put, it was thrilling. You felt safe and sound.

Your hands moved to his, caressed his still-wet hair, and then paused at his neck, feeling encouraged. You kept checking his green eyes to make sure he was alright, moving your head and body closer to his lips. Then you closed your eyes, overcome by his intense stare, and instinctively pressed your lips to his warm ones. Feeling something and attempting to restore what you had lost was perfectly normal.

You could see he wasn't expecting you to act so brazen and eager, but he immediately regained his composure and kissed you passionately and without hesitation.

Soldier Boy had missed you and needed you more than ever; there was no doubt about that. Both of you were touching each other, and the yearning to feel something was agonizing. That was all he had, but he hadn't imagined your first night in your home like this. Your agreement would be terminated if he endured three more months of pain. It seems that it would take some time to make you remember everything. Yet Soldier Boy was patient when it came to you.

It did not, however, imply that he would stay away from you until you recalled. Fortunately, it was okay for you to go all the way and let him look after you and fuck you as he desired. He needed to touch you, feel you, be inside of you, and prove you belonged to him once again. Your body also needs that. The way you responded to him made it crystal clear. 

Soldier Boy didn't lose another second to move on top of you without breaking the kiss. Although the kiss was nearly slow, it was urgent, desperate, and passionate. Your bodies yearned to be close. 

Even though you gasped in surprise, you continued to kiss him softly as he positioned himself between your legs. The hardness between your legs seemed like it wanted to go through your underwear and sleeping clothes, but you tried to ignore it. Soldier Boy's kisses were intense, passionate, and full of hunger. To find a more comfortable position, you shifted slightly beneath him. He forced you to lie properly by pushing your cushion away and pulling you down slightly beneath him. You seemed to be at his mercy.

 As you continued to kiss him tenderly, your hands tingled as they touched his thick beard. You had no control over your lips and mouth; they simply wouldn't quit. It was as though his powerful hands controlled every part of your body to find the things you forgot about. His kisses were becoming more forceful and possessive than yours, as though he was also looking for something that he had lost with you.

His hands gripped your hips and pinned them under him while he silently growled and pushed his tongue in your mouth. It wasn't until then that you realized you were rubbing against him to create some friction. Without reluctance or guilt, you reached his belly with your hands, slipped your fingers into his t-shirt, and caressed his pacs. His chest was surprisingly warm, and it was nice to touch and feel his power beneath your fingertips.

Getting to know his muscles and physique again felt amazing. You pondered whether he was also finding the procedure enjoyable. After all, it wasn't his first time with you.

Soldier Boy didn't appear to be going to draw back anytime soon, so you eventually did so to catch your breath.

You attempted to engage in some real conversation as your finger continued to probe his muscles beneath his t-shirt. “You are very warm,” you said, breaking the silence. Since your reunion, you have argued more than you have talked in peace.

Through your lips, Soldier Boy gave you a little smile before he slightly withdrew. Desire was bursting forth and reddening both of your lips.

He remarked, “I can get warmer,” and raised an eyebrow. When he slightly warmed his chest, you gazed at him bewildered and then gasped in surprise. You were shocked, but it didn't hurt.

“Then you must be very useful in winters.”

“Oh yeah?” he said, eventually placing his length between your legs to provide the friction you had been seeking for a while. “I'll keep you so warm and nice."

He kissed you again just after you said, “I hope so,” but this time he was more possessive, as if he was eager to show you that you were his and would do anything you asked from him. It was strange how comfortable and proper it felt to be at his mercy and underneath him.

Even though you weren't sure whether you would go all the way without utilizing Temp-V, you chose to follow his lead and see what transpired. All you could hope for was that he wouldn't leave you unsatisfied. You spread your legs somewhat wider and lifted your hips slightly to signal your need and want to him. Like he was battling you, his tongue and lips were biting yours. You would have gone insane just from the way his muscles were flexing beneath your fingertips. You really needed to feel him.

You even surprised yourself by how loudly you moaned as one of his hands gripped your tits and played with your nipple through your top. You needed the release since you had been teasing each other since the morning, but you weren't sure how to go about it precisely.

Soldier Boy decided you were ready to go further with him after hearing your desperate moans. Since you had been teasing since the morning, you both really needed a moment to relax. His recent chilly shower had no significance at all.

You gasped as he quickly drew back and lowered your sweatpants with your underwear. You kept your hands inside his t-shirt to indicate to him that you were prepared for some foreplay. Feeling his heart pound beneath your hands caused you to calm a little. He needed you as much as you needed him. He still desired you in spite of his thoughts about your new self. 

He examined every inch of your body, making your legs tremble with eagerness and coldness. Despite your strong desire to escape from his penetrating gaze, you chose to wait patiently underneath him, telling yourself that you had previously done it a hundred times. There was no cause for fear. 

As his hands began to brush across your knees, he smirked slyly and said, “Are you feeling anxious now?” Your chest lifted with strong breaths, and you felt defenseless without a cushion beneath your head. 

“No,” you immediately replied. Even though your cheeks were flushed, you chose to be bold. It wasn't your first time with him, you kept telling yourself. “I rather feel... wet.” 

When he found nothing unsure on your expression, you could feel him warming up beneath your hand. Despite your best efforts to disguise it, he could see that you were still anxious and bashful, but there was no reluctance. Soldier Boy's hardness was urging him to lower his sweatpants and boxers and go inside you with a single hard thrust. You both needed a little foreplay, but you could lure him into your warm pussy so well. He would properly look after you later.

“Well, I'm having trust issues lately, so I must check myself if you're telling me the truth,” he said in an amusing manner. As you waited for him to act already, you smiled softly at him. 

You went crazy as his hands gently moved up your legs and thighs without breaking eye contact. You were actually flowing there as his fingers finally reached your pussy and his lips opened in astonishment and delight. You were completely ruined there. You whimpered quietly as he palmed your pussy and then your slick since you've been feeling sensitive. You had your hips up in expectancy. 

“Fuck,” he shrieked, sensing your slippery liquid on his palms. He could simply glide inside you since you were so moist beneath him at the moment. He didn't even have to get you ready. “Guess we have an issue here.”

“Told you,” you mumbled, biting your bruised lips to keep your hungry moans to yourself. You wouldn't say no if he lowered his trousers and shoved his hardness into your pussy since even his hands felt so amazing. You would simply let him fuck you. 

Without saying anything, he played with your clit for a brief while before pushing a finger inside without warning. As if you were supposed to take him the way he wished, his finger moved with such ease. He kept an extremely close eye on your reaction. You wanted to get rid of panties and sweatpants so you could move freely beneath him, but his powerful hands prevented you from moving at all. He didn't even need to attempt to get you to come; you could come at any time.

It would be safer if you injected yourself with Temp-V for your first sex after a lengthy period of time apart, but it was hard for Soldier Boy not to take himself in hand and fuck you. He would not risk it without you using Temp-V, although he was usually very cautious when you fucked. He didn't want to be concerned about hurting you while you fucked. You needed that Temp-V. 

His finger continued to move inside you, and he asked, “You like this?” Seeing you in such need and desperation beneath him must have thrilled him. 

With an “I'm not sure,” you continued to tease him even though you were on the verge of losing your mind from how intense you were feeling at the time. “Need more.”

“You are greedy, aren't you?” In a gruff voice, he continued, “Let's see what I can do about this.” You guessed he thought you were challenging him. That was good.

This time, you both gasped as he pushed another finger inside. He had thick, rough fingers. Your eye watered with pleasure and intensity, and your hole felt so little in comparison to his two big fingers. You started pleading, “Please.”

He began to fuck you rough with two fingers while his jaw tightened. His fingers glided into you with ease since you were sufficiently slippery, but you stiffened up as he began to get a bit too quick and harsh. You started to panic and said, “Careful!” You put your hands on the abdomen as if you were prepared to shove him at any moment. However, he refused to move at all.

“Calm down!”

You closed your eyes as soon as your walls constricted, and you let out a loud moan as you experienced your orgasm before he could add a third finger. While your legs were trembling like a leaf, he kept fucking you with his fingers. You wondered how his cock would feel inside of you because his fingers felt absolutely amazing. As you rode your osgasm properly, Soldier Boy kept fucking you with his fingers while keeping his gaze fixed on you, watching you closely.

He believed he could come in his boxers right there since you looked so lovely and beautiful when you gave yourself all to the pleasure.

It was a feeling he had missed. He had missed seeing you take everything from him the way you needed. He had missed hearing your heartbeat and seeing you grow pleased. You still belonged to him. No matter what, that would never change. Soldier Boy hadn't planned your first night together in your house weeks earlier to be like this, and while it wasn't the ideal scenario, it was still good enough.

Soon, everything will be fine.

When you eventually opened your eyes after riding your orgasm, you noticed Soldier Boy staring at you seriously. When you were really sensitive, he slowly removed his fingers from your pussy. As he tugged up your panties and pajamas, your pulse was pounding wildly. You were unsure on how to proceed at this point. 

He immediately stopped you as you put your shaky hands in his sweatpants to let out his cock and offer him the same pleasure he gave you. You gave him a perplexed expression. “Let me..”

He interrupted you right away, saying, “Enough for today.” He surprised you by placing a hard kiss on your forehead before you were able to react. 

“I'm alright,” you said, puzzled by his changed attitude. After all, you had been teasing another one since the morning. There was no reason for stopping. “We can continue. I mean it.”

Soldier Boy took a deep breath and swiftly moved your hands away from his throbbing cock. He understood that in order to avoid offending you, he had to be honest with you at this moment. Not because he didn't want it. He was about to lose his mind. “We should get some sleep. If not, I'll end up breaking your hips and bones. For the first time in a long time, I don't trust myself at the moment.”

It was the best way he could describe the issue, and he didn't want to come off as threatening. He wasn’t good at expressing himself anyway.

“Oh,” you simply muttered.

Soldier Boy had made up his mind, but you didn't want to let him be dissatisfied while his hardness continued to give signals to you. Breathing deeply, he returned to his side on the bed and pulled you into his embrace, placing your head on his warm chest. By then, you were all right.

Your head was resting on his warm chest, and you couldn't help but smile as a wave of happiness and security washed over you, making you feel better than before. You loved the feeling of being in his strong arms. You couldn't help but bring your body closer to his, as though there were just a single gap between you.

He listened to your heart pounding with delight and said, “Satisfied and happy, huh?” in a playful tone. Soldier Boy couldn't help but feel the same way as he felt your exhilaration and unexpected joy in his arms. Uncontrollably, his arms grew tighter around your entire body.

You questioned innocently, “It's not so bad, isn't it? I guess we are good like this. Not as awful as you believe, right?” In less than three months, he might decide that you were okay even if you had no memory of anything at all. Perhaps he would reconsider about giving your new self a chance. He could perhaps fall in love with you again.

Soldier Boy kissed your head firmly and with a heavy heart. He couldn't deny that he was perplexed about what was happening between you and that his thoughts and feelings were in chaos. He just knew that he would not allow your memories to fade. No manner what. He decided not to say mean things and destroy your happiness at that time. Letting your memories just fade away would be a betrayal of everything you had built together.

He only said, “Not so bad,” recalling your final days together, which had been months ago. His heart longed for what he craved in you. He missed you.

You allowed your body to rest a little bit under Soldier Boy's strong arms after he gave you an encouraging response, and you closed your eyes peacefully as happiness caused your heart to race with relief and relaxation.

Next Chapter

⋆──⛥──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──⛥──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──⛥──⋆⋅☆⋅⋆──⛥──⋆

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[fallenwhumpee]

Ahhhhh good luck on your exam! I am also prepping for college exams and honestly cant settle my mind down but i hope you do so well! And i cant believe Traitor gets another part! Bddjdbdh and I'll definitely check out "Wrong". I'll probably even do the ask game at some point!

🐈‍⬛💜

You know what? I did well on my mocks today. So you get a chapter. I know I have asks and I'm working but this had been sitting on my drafts for months

Traitor

• Part 10 • Part 11 • Part 12 • Masterlist •

Warnings: Hospital settings.

Leader was tired.

Not just in the way that made their limbs heavy and their thoughts slow. And not the way that a good night’s rest could fix. No—this was a bone-deep exhaustion, one that settled into the cracks of their ribs. One that Leader feared would plague them like their breath.

They wanted all of this to stop.

But their body wouldn’t cooperate. Each time they tried to open their eyes, the light was too sharp. Their body was sluggish, refusing to move properly, and weighed down by something more than just weakness. Leader knew the feeling well. Sedatives. Again. Another thing to get mad about.

They felt their body move every now and then, cold being pressed to their skin or their arm being squeezed. They heard words but didn't understand. Every time they tried to focus, pain dragged them back to the darkness. Their body ached, but their mind was louder. Screaming at them to move, to wake up, to do something other than laying still, broken.

Leader forced their eyes open, the dim lights above stabbing into their skull. A sharp inhale sent fire through their ribs, and they barely swallowed down the groan threatening to escape. They closed their eyes back. Their hands twitched at their sides, fingers curling against stiff sheets. The weight over their face was suffocating.

They wanted to get out.

“Leader?” A hand pressed lightly to their forehead, pushing damp hair back. The touch should have been comforting, but instead, it made their skin crawl. They grabbed the sheet tighter to still themselves.

Mentor was beside them.

“They’re stirring,” Right Hand murmured. “That’s good, right?”

Leader didn’t hear the response, only the low hum of conversation above them. The concern in Right Hand’s voice was all wrong. The voice was too close, too intimate. Right Hand had ignored them, pushed them aside. And now, after everything, they were suddenly concerned? The shift was too abrupt, forced. Leader didn’t want it. They didn’t want Mentor’s guilt, Right Hand’s regret, the doctors hovering over them like as if they were fragile.

At a point, they felt more in control. Setative was wearing off, possibly with painkillers. Their body screamed at them to stay down, but Leader had spent too long listening to pain. They shoved themselves up, arms shaking under the effort. The world tilted dangerously, and a hand caught their shoulder.

“Stop.” Mentor caught them. Were they that close? Leader was in worse shape than they thought of they lost track of their surroundings.

“I’m awake,” they rasped, more to themselves. They trembled even with the support but managed to stay upright.

“And barely alive,” Mentor muttered.

Right Hand shifted closer, hesitating before reaching for them. Leader flinched before they could stop themselves, and Right Hand’s hand stilled. Good. Leader had enough without worrying that they couldn't hide their reactions.

“You shouldn’t be moving yet,” Right Hand said quietly, embarrassed. “You’re still recovering.”

Leader didn't answer. They wouldn't lash out if they didn't talk.

Their control was slipping.

They had let people too close, let things go too far, and now everything was spiralling. The emotions—the anger, the hurt, the exhaustion—were crawling onto them, and they hated every moment of it.

It had to stop.

Mentor laid them back down and luckily didn't talk. An uncomfortable silence took over for a while, but Leader ignored the glances. They had to conserve some strength.

A doctor entered, checking over them with a clinical efficiency that made a welcome distinction between them and… Doctor. Leader barely registered the words of the doctor, however. Leader was fine enough if asked. They just nodded along to shut them up, to make them all go away.

They had to get out of here.

Because Leader’s skin prickled under Mentor’s fabricated concern, under Right Hand’s hovering presence. This was all wrong. Both of them had left Leader alone, and now they were acting as if they cared.

But Leader didn't need to of up with this. If they could just make it through the next few hours, they could disappear.

Somewhere no one would follow.

Somewhere they didn’t have to hear concern in the voices of people who hadn’t cared before. Who wasn't supposed to care.

Somewhere they could just breathe.

So Leader waited.

They kept their breaths steady and kept their body still. The fever made time blur together, but eventually, the room quieted. The doctor left. Right Hand slumped in the chair beside their bed, dozing off. Even Mentor had stepped out.

Leader clenched their teeth and moved.

Their lungs screamed them with every breath as they ripped the mask, their body failing to stay upright, but they didn’t stop. They ignored the ache in their ribs, the trembling in their limbs. Pain wasn’t important. Getting out was. For their own sanity.

They ripped the IV from their arm in one quick motion. Blood welled up from the puncture site, but they ignored it, pressing the sheets against it to keep it from dripping.

One step at a time. They could do this.

They grabbed their discarded jacket, pulled it on with shaking fingers. Their boots—no, too loud. Socks would have to do until they got far. The room was dim. The halls outside were quiet. Leader slipped out the door, silent as a ghost. They didn’t look back.

-•-

After everything, Right Hand was lost. Their trust was shaken, how could it not be? The images of two figures they looked up to were now just shattered. Mentor, who had been a legend themselves and who just trained the most skilful agent the agency ever had, now seemed like an excuse of a trainer.

The more time Right Hand spent with them, more inconsistencies showed up. One would think people would be eager to know how to make their ward feel better, but no. All Mentor knew was what Leader was capable of powering through. It said nothing to Right Hand about why Leader avoided interactions like a plague, why they were so easy to be separated, or even antagonised.

But it wasn't the only realisation. Right Hand still couldn’t believe that Leader was the star agent. The one who had a flawless file of impossible missions, who was supposed to be ruthless and clinical with no room for drama. But Leader took too many hits in missions. They had to improvise too many times just to fit the team's never-ending demands, even if it pained them. Nothing really went well with the team. But it was all about the team. They pushed Leader to absorb the damage. They pushed Leader to cover up their back with lies and spontaneous plans.

And Leader paid for it in silence.

Right Hand didn't have the heart to go back home. They told the team they had things to take care of, but that was a lie. They just couldn't leave Leader alone. Not again. Not when they had already been so late.

Staying vigil at Leader's side, Right Hand couldn’t sleep. Doctors had given Leader sedatives to keep them still, to keep them from wasting what little strength they had left. Leader not waking up for a while was expected, but the stillness in that hospital bed still weighted on Right Hand. When Leader did stir—barely rasping out words, trembling but upright and not lasting long as doctors ran a checkup—Right Hand’s body finally gave in, shutting down from exhaustion like a snapped wire.

They hadn't even realized they’d fallen asleep.

The soft click of a door echoed in Right Hand’s head, but it didn't register as real at first. The strange quiet. No monitors, no shuffling footsteps. Just cold silence.

And something was wrong.

Right Hand jerked upright, blinking away the heaviness from their eyes. The chair creaked beneath them as they sat up straighter. Their gaze went immediately to the bed—and froze.

It was empty.

The sheets were a mess, thrown aside and tinged with red where the IV line was left. The oxygen mask lay on the floor. The room was cold.

Leader was gone.

“No,” Right Hand whispered, already rising. They rubbed their eyes and their legs stumbled beneath them, the adrenaline cutting through sleep's haze too fast. “No, no, no…”

They turned to the door, yanked it open, and looked both ways down the hallway. Empty.

They were too late again.

Right Hand gripped the edge of the doorway, heart pounding loud in their ears. They should have seen this coming. But at the same time, they couldn't understand. They couldn't understand how. How had Leader managed to slip away? They had barely been able to straigten up, let alone escape. But they had. And now, Right Hand was wasting time standing here instead of finding them.

They turned on their heel, nearly knocking over a tray of medical supplies in their rush. The infirmary halls were quiet except a humming. Right Hand checked the exits first, then the side corridors. Nothing.

The panic started to creep back in. Leader couldn’t have just disappeared. Someone had to know something.

Mentor.

Right Hand stormed through the halls, barely registering the startled glances from people passing by. When they reached Mentor next to the main door, they didn't bother with greetings.

"They’re gone," Right Hand snapped. "Did you know this was going to happen?"

Mentor exhaled slowly, setting their papers aside. "I expected."

Right Hand’s hands clenched at their sides. "And you didn’t think to tell me? To stop them? They’re hurt! They can barely stand!"

Mentor met their glare with an infuriating calm. "Would you be able to stop them?"

Right Hand opened their mouth, but no words came out. The answer was obvious, wasn’t it? Leader had always been like this. If they wanted out, they would find a way, no matter what. But that didn’t mean Right Hand had to accept it.

"It doesn’t matter if I could’ve stopped them," they said through gritted teeth. "What matters is that they’re out there, alone, and hurt."

Mentor leaned back in their chair. "You’re worried."

"Of course I’m worried!" Right Hand snapped, then forced themself to take a steadying breath. "Aren’t you? Or are you just going to sit here and let them disappear?"

Mentor’s gaze was unreadable. "I never said I’d let them go. But I taught them how to survive."

Right Hand narrowed their eyes. "They learned to survive you," Right Hand spat. They had wasted enough time already. If Mentor wasn’t going to act, then Right Hand would. They stormed out. Their pulse thundered in their ears, their thoughts racing ahead.

They had to find Leader before it was too late.

[sheeezu]

I greet you kindly, Sheezu.

I plead for your guidance and if you are reading this, I sincerely apologize for how long and agonizingly complicated this is about to be...but I am in need of your advice. I also apologize if this is annoying or redundant for you to read but...I need to leave this place and I would appreciate any word you offer me.

(A TLDR is included. It basically summarises my main points.)

I wish to shift. Of course I do, who doesn't? I do not have a particular reality in mind though, as I just want to be free from a draining, overburdened existence.

Truth is, I've known about shifting since late 2019 and since then, I've been trying various methods. At some point I gave up only to find a sign in late 2022 that I should try again, so here I am.

Ever since then, I've been having "realizations" about shifting every 7 months or so. For example: Shifting is easy, Manifestation=Shifting and both are real, etc.

For about a week after my "discoveries", I felt like I had completely understood and cracked the code to shifting...but just after a week I was back at square one: hopeless, doubtful, desperate.

Despite any attempts (yes, attempts. I'm talking 1-2 hour long shifting methods), I remained unsuccessful (not even symptoms or anything), even though I was so convinced and so sure that I would.

Have I ever shifted? I'm not sure...I've experienced odd things in my life a few times: unnaturally good grades in subjects I was convinced would be the end of me, oddly being good at speaking a language I did not practice much, etc. But these were all accidents...meaning that I cannot claim to have manifested something intentionally yet.

So...basically not even a minishift. I cannot ever recall feeling something that isn't from this reality or the void (though I have a hard time forming thoughts in the void, so manifesting with it is difficult for me. It doesn't even work when I set a strong intention before entering the void...Probably because I have no fears or desires in the void, so nothing I really "want" to manifest.)

I cannot say I've ever been to a reality that is very different from this one, only possibly parallel realities, but it's hard for me to say what counts as a shift. Since the changes I've experienced are so minor, it feels...odd to claim I did this. Because if I did this, then how come I cannot do something more? (If that makes sense...)

I follow you and Hrrtshape, both blogs I find comfort in.

I've been following Hrrtshape since before they shifted and since we are a similar age, I felt hope spark anew for me when I realised that maybe I really could shift by doing nothing. But even now, I have not yet achieved anything.

Honestly, sometimes it feels like I am not desperate enough...or maybe I'm too desperate...?

So what do I want from you? Well...

TLDR:

I understand shifting is easy, but when I do try (or even when I don't try), I do not succeed. I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle, but I cannot understand what. I've tried putting in as much effort as I could muster (in various ways, motivation, focus, preparation, intention, etc.), I've tried putting in no effort (going to bed saying "I will wake up in my dr and then just moving on, knowing that I would wake up there...I didn't; or for more than 2 years just...not doing anything at all...not even thinking about it). Neither have worked for me so far.

I have been "reprogramming" my mind and have been agreeing with all things you say, but I still feel so distant from shifting.

I meditate a lot as that is the only thing that really detaches me from this reality, but I've never felt attached to another reality. Is the problem perhaps that I am not super excited about a particular reality? I don't really watch many shows or films and am not too fond of any characters or people. Do you think this could be holding me back?

I'm just desperate to leave here, not to go somewhere specific if you understand what I mean.

I am terribly sorry for this long read...any reply is appreciated.

Thank you sincerely for what you do for the shifting community.

Hi hi hi.

Okay okay, I've read it all, let me ponder over this for 2 minutes (pretend I'm having a face to face conversation with you over tea; now I'm pacing the room like a madman)

I really want to become one on one with you, so if this post doesn't clear it up, reach in my dms.

First arises the questions, beside everything you've stated. Do you think, shifting is something bigger than you? Is it something external?

Shifting is, always has been in accordance to what your thoughts are regarding it. So, while reading this, go ahead and fetch a notebook (or a note app) put it in front of you, and write down with true honesty what your personal beliefs regarding shifting is. Not the thoughts you're trying to think, not the thoughts that you're forcing yourself to think through the reprogramming. Just the purity of what fears and thoughts you have about shifting.

Look back at what you wrote, that's how shifting works in your reality. You've created how it works, always.

Let set that aside for now. You are very externally acting upon shifting. Shifting is an experience inside of you. In the depths of your soul. I crave 3d and external validation, everyone does. But acting upon the impulses through various methods, shifting "apparatus" reinforces the idea of maybe you're just trying to please god through these shenanigans, question: who shifts you? What is the switch that will be on once you actually shift?

If you rely upon the fragility of it all (meaning the littlest doubt or belief can either break or make reality, this will be in what you've written down about shifting) or that you rely upon the hard-headedness of it all (that it is a semi-permeable membrane of some sort; requires specific actions in order to shift) than for now that is the stream you need to flow down to shift. You can change these beliefs and ideas, always.

So you can either choose the option of entertaining it, or taking full control over the nature.

Consciousness theory! That's what it is, that's what playing out.

Heavy emotions are a tiny little sweet and innocent mechanism of any reality to keep you in it. You're stressing. You're worried about if you shift or not. This is enhancing your attachment to this reality, and I say with full honestly and your best interest in mind, you are performing these emotions here! So how'd you expect to get out? When you're feeling here with all your power and strength.

Assuming power is destruction of humane rituals, (you can still shift otherwise, just giving you my best piece of advice) emotions, and feeling powerless, out of control or "not able to" or "how can I do this?" In perspective of shifting.

You've presented you're worried about not having a dr you're connected with. I had a dr, who I would die for. The obsession was at it peaks. It was insane levels, would I give you the advice to create a dr with love, crafting in experiences and people who magnetize you and pull you back there? Again, with your best interest in mind yes.

So here's what we've gathered:

1. Understand the cyclic beliefs in your mind

2. Either ride or change them

3. Possibly create an attractive dr

4. With the changed/entertained beliefs shift

🌻🌻🌻

If anything is still unclear, please please reach in my dms I DONT BITE.

[sexybritishllama]

at the end of the day i just don't think guilting people into reblogging or commenting on art/writing/etc is effective

i get it! i really do! when you put your heart and soul into something, it feels incredibly shitty to get ignored- maybe even worse to know that people might HAVE actually consumed your work (and maybe even enjoyed it!) but never bothered to actually engage with you. and then that's not even taking into account the number of artists who rely on algorithms and visibility to make a living, where number go down = will i actually be able to afford groceries this month

and then there's the fact that on a broader level, i do think the growing culture of silent consumption is making the internet a colder, more disconnected place to be. we're more inclined to see things as 'content'; this vague nothing of a word that turns art into something existing only to fill up instagram feeds and tiktok for you pages. you consume and then you move on. scroll scroll scroll

it's shit!! i hate it!! we SHOULD all make an effort to fight against this, to see the actual people behind art, to recognise and celebrate and share the work that people put so much love into!

but for some reason so many people take that sentiment and turn it into 'i am going to make a post guilting people for liking things instead of reblogging. if you don't comment on every fanfic you read YOU are the reason i stopped writing and art is dead'

and... idk man. if your goal with these posts is truly to convince people to interact with art online more, i don't think that's the way to do it. i don't want people to share or comment on my work because they think there's a begruding moral imperative to it

maybe instead of trying to enforce compliance via the eternal guilt that the catholic church favours, the focus should be on how genuinely FUN it is to engage more with art, even in the smallest ways? like, i love reblogging art on here! not because i'm stressed out that the artists are going to stop posting unless i get their numbers high enough, but because the art is pretty and i want the artist to know i like it and i like doing the equivalent of online scrapbooking with cool stuff! and then i can see MY followers see the art and like and reblog it, which makes me happy i could share cool stuff with them too!

or for another example- i write fics, so i understand how getting a nice comment (even literally just a single ❤️ emoji or a short 'great chapter!') can make my entire day, week even. i make an effort to comment on other stuff that i read, and a lot of the time the authors reply to those, and then we BOTH feel happier and like we had a moment of joy and connection over something we love. and then sometimes you come to recognise certain people, and maybe see them in the comments of another fic, or on tumblr, or whatever, and it helps the internet feel like less of a big cold expanse and more of a community that you're actually a part of! that's awesome!

i get people feel awkward about not knowing what to write in comments, or that they just never reblog things in general, or whatever. but truly, genuinely, i'd encourage you to give it a go, even in the smallest way, first and foremost because it's FUN! it's fun to make a spot with all your favourite art like a magpie collecting shiny things for a nest, it's fun to express your enjoyment and gratitude for a piece of writing that you stayed up until 2am reading, and then this all feeds into itself to create a nicer world where artists feel encouraged to make MORE stuff, giving you more to enjoy and share in turn, and on and on it goes!

[pluckyredhead]

Did I just read your Super Sons primer from 2020 at 3 am on a Monday morning because I'm having a real normal one? Maybe?! I'm wondering how you feel about how they and their relationship has developed since then. IMO it's... Pretty bleak. 😩

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT IT. (Also here's the primer for anyone who missed it.)

So I will say that 95% of everything Jon has been in since he got aged up has been hot garbage, but I do think the exception is when Damian is around. But let's take it from the top!

First of all, I don't necessarily think they should de-age him again. Generally speaking I think it's better storytelling to focus on fixing things moving forward, rather than undoing things moving back. Sure, if DC came up with some big cosmic event that reset Jon to 11, I certainly wouldn't complain, but I'd rather see them, uh...do literally anything with Teen Jon that doesn't suck.

But yeah, aging Jon up to begin with still makes me livid because:

I want my baby to have had a childhood.

It's fully character assassination for Lois and Clark. They would NEVER let their 11-year-old go to outer space with a supervillain. Lois would NEVER just abandon him out there, and Clark would NEVER respond with "Well, I'm sure he's fine, wanna have marathon sex?" I honestly have no idea what Bendis or his editor were thinking.

They have not done a single interesting with him since!!!

Putting this behind a cut because it got LONG. Also spoilers for Beast World in there.

I've said this before, but I have to assume that Bendis wanted to age Jon up because he wanted to write a Legion book. But he also in his wisdom decided to bring Kon back into continuity at exactly the same time, which means we have two nearly identical Superboys that DC didn't and still doesn't know what to do with. Kon clearly couldn't have joined the LOSH because he already had a team, but you know what Super teen was available, and not 11, and who has a history with the Legion that goes back almost as long as Clark's? KARA. But I will save that rant for another day.

And honestly, Kara dodged a bullet, because that Legion book was unreadable. Bendis at his most Bendis-y wall of text interrupt-y conversations and no plot. If I give Tom Taylor any credit it's that the second he got his hands on Jon, he torpedoed Jon/Imra as a ship. GOOD.

And when the LOSH book finally went out with a whimper (that JLA/LOSH miniseries! what was that!!!), we entered the Taylor Era. Taylor's quirks are less stylistic and more narrative than Bendis's. You can spot Bendisian dialogue at twenty paces, but a Taylor comic tips its hand when it sets up a really interesting premise or a really high stakes threat and then immediately undercuts it with a little wet fart noise of nothing. To wit:

Jon's starting college! This will be an interesting challenge for him to readjust to normal life after six years in a torture-volcano and an indeterminate amount of time in the future, and also considering he never graduated from sixth grade. I wonder what will - oh no he dropped out after three pages. (He has done NOTHING in his civilian identity since, btw. I guess he's too busy hovering just behind Dick at all times to work on his GED or whatever.)

Jon is going to confront Ultraman! Finally the comics will have to engage with all the trauma he must have - oh no Ultraman's dead.

Jon is trapped in the Injustice Universe! This is a really dangerous universe that might make him question everything he knows about - oh he just lectured everyone and flounced off home.

Beast World is a perfect example. Taylor seems to think that having a hero effortlessly solve a problem makes them look badass, but it's actually the effort that makes them look badass. So like, we spent five months keeping the Kryptonians and other A-class heroes away from the spores because the spores are attracted to power and if a Super got spore'd everyone would be in big trouble...but then in the last issue, they just have Jon fly up to everyone with a spore in them, wait for the spore to jump at him, and catch it? That doesn't make the Titans look smart or Jon look tough. It makes all of them look like idiots because it it was that easy, why didn't they do that in the first place?

On top of that, Taylor doesn't ever really earn relationships. Jon and Jay is the obvious one. Jay has no personality. There's no chemistry between the two characters. Jon might as well be dating a cardboard cutout labeled "Proof of Queerness." (Or "Bernard." Ahem.) But we're supposed to be like, yes, give Tom Taylor a GLAAD award for using queer characters as props, when he's going to turn around and kiss Chuck Dixon's ass on social for being homophobic about Jon? UGH.

Honestly worse for me though is the Jon and Dick relationship. Because Taylor is writing both characters, we're supposed to believe that there's this close mentor-mentee bond there? I don't think they EVER interacted before the Taylor era. (And don't even look at me with that retconned-in scene of Dick finding lost baby Jon. You're telling me that Superman, with his X-ray and telescopic vision, needs to call Bruce and Dick for help finding his own son? Fuck off.)

Anyway it all combines to make basically every Jon appearance for the past three years profoundly unsatisfying. Even the stuff that isn't by Taylor never goes anywhere. Remember when he was jealous of the Super Twins for two panels? And then everyone forgot about it forever? SIGH.

HOWEVER.

However.

If there is one thing that Bendis and Taylor and every other writer got right, it's that Jon is crazy bonkers in love with Damian always and forever. Jon has been written like shit since 2019, but he has also not wavered in his devotion for even one single solitary second.

THE EVIDENCE:

This is the first thing Jon does when he gets back to Earth:

He then tells Damian he's contemplating not joining the Legion because he'll have to leave Damian behind. Damian tells him to go and then come get him if it's cool.

Turns out the Legion is cool. Jon comes and gets Damian. The Legion isn't happy about it and Jon threatens to leave if Damian can't stay, while gazing adoringly at Damian's unconscious body cradled in his arms:

Eventually LOSH is canceled and Jon comes home and starts following Damian around by listening for his heartbeat. LIKE PALS DO!

Then Damian gives him a pep talk!

Then there's this ABSOLUTE CUDDLE:

The way Damian nuzzles into Jon's shoulder! Can you even stand it!

And then there's this:

The climax of Son of Kal-El, btw, is one of the several times Jon is saved by Damian and confides in Damian and turns to Damian for comfort or advice...and Jay is just sort of standing there off to the side. I am fully aware I have ship goggles on but the degree of emotional investment Jon has in these relationships is not the same.

Then they had a special issue teamup:

Then we got Dark Crisis, and I actually love this interaction between them, because they are very different people with very different upbringings and this feels extremely in character to me for how they would both handle the loss of their fathers:

But even when they disagree, they still instantly support each other. Jon comes back with information? Damian makes a plan:

Also, we got the 2022 Pride issue where Jon, Jay, and Damian go to Pride together. I know that story is...contentious...but leave me here with Damian sulking while Jon and Jay kiss, okay?

Then we get Adventures of Superman, which is objectively awful, but Jon does spend his whole time in the Injustice universe thinking about Damian like the seagulls in Finding Nemo saying "Mine? Mine? Mine?"

This whole arc is truly hilarious. Jon finds out that Damian accidentally killed Dick and his response is to a) go find Batman and yell at him for not supporting Damian enough for accidentally killing Dick, and then b) go find Damian to be like "Wow, that must have been really hard for you (accidentally killing Dick)." There's being ride or die for your BFF, and then there's whatever the fuck Jon has going on.

(Meanwhile there's an incredibly uncomfortable scene with him and Injustice Jay where Jay "tests" him by trying to get Jon to cheat on regular Jay. So. That happens.)

And then just this past month we got Nightwing #110, where we learn that Jon is still listening to Damian's heart:

He completely freaks out watching Damian in danger, and immediately intervenes when it looks like Damian is about to kill someone because he knows what matters the most to Damian. Also, this happens:

YOU WIN THIS ONE, TAYLOR.

AND THEN THEY BICKER I LOVE IT WHEN THEY BICKER:

AND THEN DAMIAN LETS HIMSELF BE VULNERABLE BY ASKING JON IF HE HURT ANYONE WHILE HE WAS A KITTY, AND JON GIVES YET ANOTHER SPEECH ABOUT HOW DAMIAN HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG EVER, IN HIS LIFE, AND DAMIAN STAGGERS OFF, LEANING ON JON.

This isn't even getting into the Trinity backup stories in Wonder Woman, which, like...Tom King is not valid but Jon and Damian are such an old married couple in them? It's truly incredible?

It took me like 45 minutes to parse Jon's line here as the general 'you" and not specifically Jon saying Damian wasn't straight. But like..."That's for straight people, which has nothing to do with us" is a hell of a thing to say, Jonathan.

I ALSO haven't even talked about DCeased because it's a different universe, but! Jon sitting with Damian while he dies??? MY HEART.

IN CONCLUSION:

Yes, they should never have aged up Jon.

Yes, most of his appearances since have been terrible and bland.

But OH BOY, do he and Damian remain in love.

[rivet77]

Meditation used to be a practice that always confounded me, if I'm being honest. I would set a timer, close my eyes, focus on breathing fully & naturally through my nose, and it would feel like I'm attempting to stop a speeding train. My body would *fight* me, going "you can't stop, you have shit to do, you have things to worry about, how long as it been, surely the timer is getting close to being done, maybe you should check." Practically vibrating in my seat. My eyes would twitch. My body would itch. I'd literally be able to feel my heart squirming uncomfortably in my chest on every inhale. Every cell in my body would want me to stop, and prior to the last few months, I absolutely would have stopped!

Instead, I pushed through it. Insisted on holding the brakes down until I fully stopped, no matter how much the train wanted to keep going. I'd ask myself "why am I so uncomfortable" and start "scanning" my body, going through each part and intentionally relaxing it.

As this process goes on, eventually the breathing pattern stops feeling forced. The air begins to feel much like a drink of water when I'm thirsty, nourishing me, and it feels *good.* My thoughts happen, but I'm only observing them. I watch the lights & patterns on the back of my eyelids, no longer feeling my heart pounding against my chest, and I begin to feel an odd, almost... serene sensation above my eyes. As if a heavenly room opened up in my brain; where observations, ideas, and more come to me without much effort at all. It feels almost as if you're on the very edge of sleeping, without falling asleep. Before I knew it, the timer was going off. That's when it clicked. That's the meditative state I've been looking for.

Ever since I've been practicing it more and more. It's never anything long; I started with ten minutes, then fifteen, and I did twenty for awhile. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when you're sitting with your eyes closed, doing nothing, it can feel like forever (before you hit that meditative state, that is). Fifteen minutes is my sweet spot now, and by simply remembering the feeling of that meditative state, I'm able to reach it pretty quickly in those fifteen minutes. Before, i would spend most of the time trying to get there, but it's gotten much easier, and I almost always feel so much more clear and calm afterwards.

So yeah. If meditation has ever been a problem for you, just know that if you haven't practiced it, you're going to be stopping a moving train when you try. You need to keep holding down the brakes until it stops, or it will just keep accelerating. It'll be uncomfortable, and you'll need to learn to sit with the discomfort, feel it, and let it pass. What I found beyond that is 100% worth it

[zonerz]

Answers fic Update + Hi im not dead 💖!

Okay more semi-official post because I've been meaning to do this since July but life has been ping-ponging me all around!

Short-Answer (ha):

No, the fic isn't abandoned, I wouldn't dream of leaving it unfinished especially with the point I'm finally at! I have been stuck injured 😭👍

Long-Answer + Explanation:

They aren't playing about that a03 author's curse bro 😭😭😭 I intended to have 43 out by April at the latest, then that became May and eventually June because of my job. Then of course, that goal got pushed further out from personal circumstances that are just now getting sorted. But, most frustratingly and poignantly, I injured my wrist at the start of July. Good news is I have some therapy scheduled for it finally! Bad news is that it took THIS LONG to get into it, and in the meantime I can't physically write or draw for hardly a few minutes at a time and it's reached a point especially in the last month or so where even using a computer mouse or typing exacerbates it. If I had infinite time, that'd be less of a problem, but I've also restarted college so my time, effort, and focus has to be put there first and foremost in the meantime. It's frustrating to not be able to do the things I enjoy in the free time I have, but for now it is what it is.

The Plan + Ideal: I'm down but certainly not out! I'm going to be diligent to get myself back to normal and doing what I love! I have TONS of ideas for both fics and art I wanna do and am clawing at the bars of my cage to start LMAO

Ideally though, I would like to have something ready by the holidays. Maybe even a few chapters on a backlog or something. Regardless though, when that day comes I also have some other fics I was poking at and cleaning up prior to my injury worsening and I think it'd be fun to upload some stuff in bulk! :] I've neglected a few other works for the sake of Answers (pouring one out for WYLTD last updated September 2018 LMAO) and I think it'd be a fun way to do things and also move into the new year!

But I'm rambling at this point! If anyone's read this far TYSM I APPRECIATE IT! 🫶 it hurt my hands to write this much which, knowing my typical word count, says something 😭💔 But I feel good and capable! It's just a temporary set-back and I appreciate the consistent engagement and kind words over all the time I've spent working on this fic thus far! I hope that you don't mind the wait too awfully, but know that it WILL be finished--I'm far too passionate about this story and these characters to simply leave it hanging. I don't like to half-ass anything I do :]

Anyways funny conclusion uhhhh <3 !

[zuzsenpai]

mental health update

I've been having a pretty shit year as far as mental health goes. I mean, I had an actual mental health crisis in February that was one of the scariest times in my life. It was all because I was trying to taper off a psych med and apparently that was a BAD idea.

In the months that followed, I was able to avoid a bad depression spiral thanks to getting back on that particular med. But I've been getting more and more exhausted, and when I have anxiety, I have it REAL bad. Like shaking and chest pain bad. Thought I had covid and nearly passed out waiting the 15 minutes for the test results. Zuko was sick and had surgery and I was in a constant state of misery and shaking and dizziness. I know I should probably get like... Xanax or something for this. Maybe I will in the future.

Anyway, my focus is almost non-existent these days. During and after Zuko's health crisis last month, I have been at a point where my brain just can't move. I think I've spent the last 30 days scrolling tumblr because that and projects at work (the ones with deadlines) are the only things I can actually get my brain to do.

I want to work on fanfic. So I open a project, but then am immediately like "no I can't get myself to mentally be on the same page as this project". I think about a different project and my chest feels tight because I both want to do it and don't want to do it. It's painful. I accomplish nothing. I want to play a game or watch a show but the thought of putting effort into those things destroys my ability to do them. I just sit and continue scrolling tumblr. I long for conversation but when I'm actually conversing with someone, I can only manage a few words and I hate myself for it. I long for validation or praise on past projects to help motivate me into writing fanfic again, but I know that's selfish and I know it doesn't motivate shit.

This is where I am right now. I don't know how to have fun or relax. I don't know how to focus on anything. I don't know how to want to focus on anything. I waste entire days fretting about doing nothing.

I've also never been more exhausted in my life. I got bloodwork done on vitamin D, B12, iron, and thyroid. All are within normal range. So I'm getting a consultation with a sleep doctor (I get about 5% deep sleep per night, which is NOT good). We'll see how that goes.

I'm starting an exercise routine soon. I'm hoping that does something helpful. But I keep pushing the date back in my mind like "let's start exercising next week"... so you can imagine how that's going.

[a-wonderful-danganronpa]

⚠️ UPDATE: STATE OF THE EMPIRE (Nov 2024)

[NO SPOILERS]

i don't want to post an actual development timeline or to-do list until we're deeper in the weeds, so to speak. thus: every other month, i'll share an update on A WONDERFUL DANGANRONPA'S development!

keep in mind i'm currently a team of one and also a cripple, so Things Will Be Slow. now then...WIP discussion under the cut!

🐝 PRE-DEVELOPMENT

FEATURES LIST:

i know exactly what features i want AWD to have, and will not be adding more to stave off bloat

therefore i have an internal list of Shit To Do

whether or not i can accomplish Shit To Do depends on the engine (see ENGINE under "The Weeds") in which case i'll re-evaluate features

but, generally: i do know what this game will look like in terms of play style

more or less it will be a typical Danganronpa experience to ground its weirdness, and because i'm not trying to be innovative in terms of "gaming." my dev goal is an enticing, heartbreaking, and most of all fun work of fanfiction, as well as a love letter to Kodaka works. not to make a mind-blowing game in general

CHARACTER DESIGN:

this is the bulk of my work right now

3/16 student characters are ready to move onto the next round of design, which includes body type and color tests

the rest of the student characters, Usami, and a few NPCs are in various states of study in my notebook

Monokuma is the only main character who has not been doodled in any capacity yet (but i'll get to him)

body type and color tests will happen once all designs are completed, for balance purposes

there are a few Secret Characters i will not be designing until after the writing phase, as i have to understand their function in the script first

otherwise, i hope to be completely done with non-secret character design by Danganronpa's 15th anniversary (about a year from now)

ENVIRONMENT DESIGN AND UI:

some of environment design/UI depends on the engine (see ENGINE under "The Weeds"), but...

i have a collage-like aesthetic in mind, which i'll talk about ASAP, as soon as i get some examples and mock-ups in place

i'm probably going to make my wife do some of this. ha (don't worry: she said she would)

WRITING:

the plot is (tentatively) outlined, baby!

including backstory, characters, and their fates

that means everything you've been seeing is in fact part of a bigger plan, and not some Abrams-ass mystery box for all of us to figure out later

(i really wanted to highlight the above. i am not shooting spunk into the dark here)

the actual script has not yet begun, however, as i want to focus on design first

THE LITTLE DETAILS:

this includes things like item descriptions for presents etcetera

while unnecessary to implement until late-stage writing or dev, i actually play with writing these when i'm having particularly sickly or brain-dead days, since they take little effort

plus, they're Fun As Hell

i'll talk more about Presents etc too ASAP, as well as other world-building collectibles you can find!

🐝"THE WEEDS" (TANGIBLE GAME DEV)

ENGINE:

still shopping around for a game engine that suits my needs and vision but doesn't overextend my energy

that is to say: i am continuing to compare engines that will allow me to build this game without spending 3 years learning obscure-ass code that i will hate and that will make me ill

extremely tentatively, this will be an RPG Maker game. so far, it looks to be what will encompass AWD the best, and i know a few playable fangans use it. don't consider this an official announcement, however

PAID GIGS:

this includes many things currently not on my radar such as Voice Acting, Music, and Sprites

unless something incredible happens, these will be Paid Gigs because, well, i believe in paying people for their work

(and also, to be blunt, i don't trust volunteers to get things done in a timely manner when it's not their project: no judgement, because i'm the same, but when money's not on the line people tend to get lax. you'd really have to prove to me that you're committed)

i have some internal notes about all this stuff and how i want it all to combine into a cohesive AWD, but otherwise i'm not thinking about it right now while we're still in pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-everything

FUNDING:

to be honest, this will all probably come out of my pocket

(legalities aside, i really don't know how i feel about trying to raise money for what is essentially a souped-up fanfiction. it's gonna be good, but it's still my baby. would people show enough passion to want to fund my baby?)

regardless, i'll have a better idea of a budget in a year or so

🐝POST-DEVELOPMENT

uh

i have a list of things to do after everything else is done with AWD but none of it is relevant right now

just know that it's there

and i'm not thinking about it atm

🐝∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

THE EMPRESS OTONASHI:

is still our ruler, forever and for always.

[brw]

If you can answer my question, why do you still read X-Men comics? I read your article about fall of x from a few months ago, and given everything I've learned about Israel and what the krakoan era turned out I honestly don't know how anyone could still stick around after that.

So with the news that BDS is expanding its Marvel boycott, I thought I'd answer this question, and also broaden it up to why I, personally, am still reading comics as a whole.

The answer is that Marvel Comics is a large company with a lot of different writers, artists, and other creators on board and involved in its business. A lot of these creators have differing views, and Marvel Comics as an organisation is generally going to be as neutral as possible, to gain the most revenue from as many different people. And because of the way comic books are sold and are paid for, I find it a better use of my time to avoid certain writers whose politics I disagree with (Gerry Duggan, Chris Claremont, Benjamin Percy, etc), rather than the whole industry, as those creators are not the only people working at Marvel and there are people in that body who I don't mind giving some money towards their creations, like Ryan North or Jed MacKay.

By the time a comic gets to you on shelf, everyone involved in it has already been paid. Comic creators are paid a rate per page; the amount the issue actually makes doesn't go to them (although it's success might contribute towards a bonus). When you purchase an issue at a shop, most of the money goes to the retailer. Statistics aren't always consistent, but generally around 60-75% of the revenue goes to the store distributor. A boycott at that stage would only target the store, and not the people who have written the comic, as everyone there has already been paid before it got to you.

This is more iffy with digital releases, as the amount made from these isn't widely reported on. I've never bought digital releases, so I can't really boycott them so much as just avoid them.

There's a lot of issues with the X-Men, and a lot of the time, those issues keep me from buying and supporting the comic. However, much of the same can be said about, I don't know, any mainstream American media enterprise ever, and so far, I find it a better use of my time to focus my efforts in what we ARE actually meant to avoid and boycott in force, rather than a bunch of small, disorganised boycotts that are confused on what they're actually looking to achieve.

As for why, personally, I keep getting X-Men comics occasionally, it's because despite the flaws I do often like the characters, and I'm always curious to see how the core conceit of the series is articulated and portrayed by different writers from different backgrounds and experiences. Sometimes I really don't like this, so I'll avoid it, but sometimes I find it really interesting, so I'll buy it. The nature of comics means that there are hundreds and thousands of people working on the same characters and the same books, which makes it difficult to say anything definitive about the politics of a series, because it's always changing based on the politics of who is writing it at the time.

I'm probably never going to buy a Gerry Duggan or a Benjamin Percy or a Johnathan Hickman comic again. But those aren't the only writers who work for this company, and as I've said, those people have already been paid by the time I'm at the store, deciding what to buy. Instead, I'll read the comics from the people whose work I enjoy and want to see succeed. This isn't what everyone else is doing, and I don't besmirch or look down on the people who do decide to refuse to purchase everything as a consequence. This is just my personal feelings on things, and what I am doing moving forward.

[studentessa-socit]

🍂my goals for this semester🍁

university 📑📚✒️

study consistently

I am a bit of a crammer, I've never built healthy habits of studying day by day and always focused most of the effort in the last weeks before an exam. Since I noticed how draining and counterproductive this is, and since I have more material than ever to study this semester, I need to learn to be more consistent before the exam season and to make studying an integral part of my daily life all year long. (This will require a lot of romanticization).

not skip lectures

I've always been good at this, and only missed a few lectures (we are talking 10 at most) at the end of the second semester last year. But life made me regret a lot those few lectures I missed. So I made a point to never miss one this year, unless I am sick. It is simply too important both to understand the material and to enjoy the university experience overall.

learn to study by myself

This is the hardest. I've always relied a lot on body doubling to do anything difficult, having someone watching me study or studying with me is the best way I know to stay focused and motivated. But when it's the exam season and I need to study a lot, and I am in my hometown where I have limited access to libraries, this means studying with my boyfriend all the time. We love studying together, but this summer we noticed that it drains the relationship to spend most of the time together studying, and I need to learn to focus alone in my bedroom in these months when I can afford it, so I will be able to do it when I'll be in my hometown.

phisical activity 🧘‍♀️🏞️

For the first time ever I'm interested in excercizing more and moving my body to relieve stress and feel more present. I plan to try to stretch on a semi-daily basis and to:

join a yoga/pilates class

My university offers very cheap classes for a plethora of disciplines, I'm interest in joining either a power yoga or a pilates class once a week, I will as soon as I'll get my student gym card (it's a pain in the ass I hate the uni's sport centre's office).

learn cuban salsa

Me and my boyfriend are starting a cuban salsa class in my hometown which we will attend when I'll go home on the weekends. It will probably be a private class since we are the only couple who wanted to join and it'll start next week. I'm so exited, neither of us ever danced a caraibic dance and the teacher will be the same woman who taught my parents when they met.

go hiking

In the past couple years I've been hiking maybe twice a year and I learned I really enjoy it, both because I love being in the nature and enjoying the view and because the kind of struggle it's needed helps a lot my self esteem and self discipline in the weeks after the hike. I plan on hiking at least once a month from now on and on going skiing when the weather will be colder (this is not a new thing since I learned to ski when I was 5 but it's still a goal to do it more often).

generic 🎧🌾📚

be more organized

I am a messy girl, always been. I'm always running late, rarely looking put together and my space is mostly a disaster. I'm getting better and better everyday, but I still have a lot of work to do. I'm trying to be more intentional by getting ready early so I can be on time (for lectures, friend dates and catching the train), I'm meal planning more often and meal prepping when I know I won't have a lot of time to cook me lunch, I'm planning my outfits in advance and writing very detailed to do lists to make the best of my time.

explore the city

Last year I didn't explore Trento a lot, I spent most of my time in the comfort zone of the known places close to my apartment and university. It's understandable, but it's such a waste to be living in the city center of a "new" city and never explore it the way I could. It's difficult to do it while studying and taking care of myself, expecially considering that most weekends I go back in my hometown, so I will try to plan a few hours of free time once a week I will spend by going only in unknown places here in the city.

I also feel the need to spend more time in the nature both when I am in Trento and when I am in my hometown, and I probably need to plan it too.

hobbies and interests

I have a duolingo spanish class that's (angrily and aggressively) waiting for me to come back.

I have tons of fiction and non-fiction books waiting to be read.

I have a colouring book that hasn't been touched for a while.

And shows and movies that have been in my Netflix list for months while I keep rewatching Gilmore Girls over and over.

To read, to start back duolingo, to colour and to escape my comfort zone with movies and shows are not difficult things to do, I've been doing these things for years, but in the past few months I've been kind of absorbed by short form content and social media in general, I need to be more intentional in how I spend my free time. I know I can do it, I've done it before, it's just a matter of chosing to do it.

[littlegreenpinetree]

Hey so I'm officially at this point where I had to come in here to scream at you about your insane fic, cause it's time. As promised, I've had one hell of a serotonin comedown these past two days where I'm scouring the Internet for a similarly unreachable level of dadmight high (and failing) so I did just burst into tears for like 30 seconds earlier today lmao (tho my satans monthly sacrifice did start yesterday so that could be it). Your fic is so so so well written, and pacing is incredible, and the plot, the characterisation, the dynamics? Incredibly satisfying. Everything I wanted and even more of things I didn't know I needed. A lot of long, incredibly well written, well loved pieces of writing happens to be very romance oriented (which I'm in no way complaining btw, love a good romance like many people) but maybe because I fall in the ace spectrum, just well fleshed out platonic dynamics make me incredibly feral, especially when it's sometimes so HARD to find them. And then fics like yours cross my path once in a while and it's everything. Sorry for being intense about this but to give you an idea, I picked up my sketchbook for the first time in probably 4 or 5 years today. My life's been kinda, off kilter ig since I moved here and started uni, so even after getting through depression and everything (yay grayscale winters!) it sometimes feels like I still haven't gotten on the wagon completely. Just. A lot of love for not only writing this fic (and putting an incredible amount of work into it) but also deciding to share it with the rest of us. I really really appreciate it, and I wish only the best for you. Also good luck with your move! (Unsure if it's already happened but I vaguely remember it being on a weekend, so next weekend?) Unsure if you're a local but if you need an extra pair of hands to help out (you're moving internationally yes?) let me know (or not cause we're literally strangers lmao what am I saying but I do mean it if you're super fucked with the move) cause couple of months ago I moved and doing all that shit alone was insane and it was only across town. I have a bunch of questions about the fic actually, so I'll either do another ask or go back to the comments. Good luck!

-cross

So I am kinda late to this because I am trying to spend time these days writing my final papers but instead I spend my every waking hour procrastrinating it so hard that I'm getting to some critical point

First of all DO NOT apologise for being intense I love that so much! I am intense. I love intense reactions to my art. It's this whole thing, I am now in the middle of a conversation with my friends about how art is a dialogue and this type of art is made for reactions from people, for having that art loved and appreciated and for driving people insane with it <3 and I am so glad all of these were accomplished

Sadly I do not thing I can help you with this dadmight void, my friend ventea does write some dadmight stuff but nothing has gotten to this length haha. I am personally not even sure how or why I wrote it, I somehow sat down during summer holidays and planned the whole fic over the course of 2-3 days and then I wrote it in 3 months (it is written, just very unedited so what I'm doing in free time is editing new chapters before posting them). A fever dream, I swear

And yea! I am aroace and autistic so I need more excellent and well-developed stories where romance is not the focus or not the only relationship. I also find different unique relationship types interesting to explore in fiction and the fact that people seem so fixated on just one type gets annoying ngl

(fun fact in my dnd campaign one of the most important relationships for my character was, in fact, romance, but now he's grieving because he thinks the one he loved is dead, and it will get complicated <3 essentially they trauma bonded and so even if they manage to solve the Problems, it would take effort from both of them to heal and solve the issues they would so certainly have)

FUN FACT i saw your ask when I woke up like 2 days ago? and I was in bed and when I saw you say you picked up a sketchbook I audibly gasped and I said something out loud but I don't remember what but ahhhhhh! ah ah ah! omg that is the best feeling <3 that is so great that is so cool and I am both happy with myself that my art did that, and happy for you! I have also dropped art for a while during pandemic and only picked it up again properly last year and the feeling is GREAT

Finally, thank you, I am not moving! But I am going to Ecuador for a month for a fieldtrip related to my studies, which is very exciting and it's hard to believe it's real at this point, but it is and it's happening so soon!

And feel free to ask me any questions you want about the fic <3 I will do my best to reply haha