#i am just venting into the void of the internet

[starzbookz]

Do you guys ever look forward to fall, but then when autumn arrives you are suddenly reminded that your chronicly ill body does not love autumn

[devondespresso]

i will not dedicate hours to explaining that & pairings are not the lower-focus version of romantic pairings, i will not dedicate hours to explaining that & pairings are not the less important version of romantic pairings, i will NOT--

[foreverxdaydreaming]

x

[e77y]

Seriously need to make more friends or go outside more (both things are easier said than done) bc I am a little bit tired of relying on content creation for attention and connection :(

[void-writing]

am i the only one who is deeply annoyed by how the dashboard 'for you' tab has been turned into 'dashboard remix'?

[rememberedbyamark]

I know it's not forever with him and I've known that since the first month of talking to him, but like....it's suddenly very clear to me that we exist only as a temporary bubble of time in each other's life and could not possibly be permanent. There's no version of the future where we make it, that doesn't exist.

Not because either of us have some fundamental personal issue, but because i will never understand the deepest part of him and he will never be able to reach that part of me.

It sounds crazy to stay together when I put it like that. He means so much to me and it does not matter, so why would I do that to myself? You see though, I want this bubble of time so bad that I will burn for it. I want the texts, laughs, secret looks, hidden touches, late night conversations, sex, waking up in his arms, forehead kisses, and history lessons. I want all of it so bad and I can have it! I can have it, and I can have him in my life and he can have me in his, and we can do all of that until the end. We'll be a bad movie montage of young reckless people, and I want every single part of it until the credits roll.

I'll hate myself when it's over but I don't think I'll ever hate him. I think it would've ended that way anyway though

[lia404]

It doesn't happen a lot, but for once I'll be venting on main. Let's talk about fandoms and languages, in a very frustrated way.

Many time, I have found myself upset at and exhausted by the entitlement of native English speakers when everyone else is already making the effort to speak their language.

Try (and I'm not being a Yoda here, I don't even say to do it, just to even try) to speak my language, and then we'll talk about the terminology I use and the grammar mistakes I make. Don't you dare dogpile on me for using the wrong word when I'm clearly not native. No, I was not trying to insult anyone. Yes, what I said was wrong, but you can point it out in a didactic way without being aggressive, and you can acknowledge that we are not all equal in languages or in our abilities in learning English, the One Language To Rule Them All (with all the dark implications of the title.)

Heaven's sake. I know I'm sometimes missing nuances. I am painfully aware that I'l never speak or write like a native speaker, and I'll never grasp the full underlying meaning of some words. Especially when they are words that have evolved, that have become something else in the context of modern Internet, in a corner of the web that I don't visit, because most of my English interactions are in the context of fandoms.

I don't understand your memes. I don't understand your jokes. I likely never will, and I've given up on asking for explanations, because they usually come with even more ununderstandable jokes, sometimes borderline mockery.

And don't you dare tell me "but your English is so good! Don't worry!" because guess what? I know. I've been studying that language for 25 years. It's my fucking job. I am rather confident in the fact that I know English grammar better than most native English speakers. It doesn't mean I don't make stupid mistakes, and it doesn't make me a native speaker. No matter how hard I try, I will never, ever be a native speaker.

Day after day after day, I'm putting in the effort of thinking in a language that isn't mine, looking for hidden meanings and weighing every sentence because even after 25 years, they'll never come naturally. Day after day, interaction after interaction, I wonder if I'll accidentally insult someone because of an awkward, gauche phrasing.

And I write this while being fully conscious that I have the priviledge of being a native speaker of one of the colonising languages. There are tons of resources in my language.

"If you're not happy, then just don't go to English fandoms."

See, that's the thing. Fandom activity exists in my language, but not in the fandoms I'm in. But you know, maybe I will. Maybe I'll snap and populate a full niche fandom with stories that native English speakers can't understand in a glance, have to put in an effort to interact with. Maybe I'll make memes in my language that none of my mutuals can get. But in the end, it will just be like shouting in the void.

Because here's a reality: most English speakers never put in the effort. They see a foreign language, and move away. And if, by some sort of miracle, they actually want to try, then they are lucky to be able to count on automated translation. Machine translation tools are always trained on English first. Any language > English usually is the pair that has the most reliable results. The same cannot exactly be said about English > any language. And again, I acknowledge that I'm priviledged in such a case, because I'm native of a language that is well-covered.

But it will never be enough for international fandom interactions. Another uncomfortable reality: the globalisation of fandoms has led to erasure of most other languages in fan spaces. This one's going to be hard to reclaim.

So I adapt and I speak English and I write in English. Sometimes I read fanfics and I cry, because I stumbled upon a sentence that I know, even with the best efforts in the world, I would have never managed to come up with. Sometimes I realise that between my job and my fandom activities, English has become such a huge part of my life that I'm losing my own mother tongue, that my phrasing is becoming awkward in it too. I'm not confident anymore using it. I look at the sentence I wrote on the blank page and I cry some more.

And I'm so, so tired of seeing "well-meaning" entitled native English speakers (and, no offense, but most happen to be from the USA, so there might be something cultural at hand here, but while I feel legitimate to observe languages, I don't think I have the legitimacy to observe societies) trying to hold everyone in the world up to their self-centred standards.

I speak English because you speak English. Speak my language flawlessly, and then we'll talk about my flaws when speaking yours.

[rotomblr-offmychest]

Hey I like gossip so gimme—

Or:

Hello! This is a blog for you people to speak your truths, anonymously or not. Vent into the void of my askbox about relationships, insecurities, mishaps, weird shit you believed way too late, and I guess saccharine stuff if you reeeeaaally have to.

Obviously I am providing a service here, I oughta get some compensation somehow so~ I will be posting your confessions and adding my thoughts. Really tho this is even better for you — if I give a response we are talking about it, that’s what your friends said you should do right? Much better than therapy. And cheaper too unfortunately.

Because I have common internet decency,

Posts may contain 18+ content. It is recommended minors block this blog. All such content will be tagged.

If you want to talk to me for whatever reason, call me 80, 0 for short. It’s shorter when you type it.

If me being a team grunt is a turn off, block away. I am NOT going to waste my time reading everyone who interacts�� blogs and dming you “heyyyyy saw you in my notifs, saw your dni, i am a grunt so you maybe baby wanna block me aight byeee”. I’m using the tags, you should have them blocked.

|:: Ooc

I’m not expecting nsfw, that note ^ is just 80’s formality. I’d really rather not get sexual content. I’m fine with injury and death so if you want to send that in sure. Obviously gonna tag.

If you’re gonna involve here in drama between multiple muns’ characters can all of you tell me you’re ok with it and boundaries etc etc. DMs on here or ooc asks.

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

this rant spiraled into a vent.

read at your own risk.

your triggers are your responsibility not mine.

I'm too fucking lazy to put every possible trigger in the tags.

don't read this if there's a possibility you'll get triggered.

do you ever feel too scared to be sad? am I just weird? like im ok with joking about bad things that have happened to me but I just feel absolutely terrified to take myself seriously and let myself just kinda be a puddle

I'm the positive one I'm the one who always makes jokes I'm the entertaining one in so many peoples lives and I'm so scared of not being that because that's all I've ever been for so many y people for so long

what am I if I change

what will happen to me if I quit the act

I've slowly started to be less positive and I've lost so many friends and I've been forgotten by so many people so what will I become if I just stop being the funny lil guy

my friends and family are genuinely disturbed by what I've become slowly over time but its not like I've changed inside I've just gotten so burnt out by putting on a mask and its beginning to slip

im just so tired of this but I know I'll be dropped by everyone I care about if I cut the act

my mom already forgot me and all of my former friends either don't care about me or hate me

im just tired I'm tired of putting on a smile just because people are disgusted by me if I don't

im tired of being responsible for everyone's mental issues

im tired of picking sides

im tired

i just throw my problems into the void that is Tumblr because no one from my life will read this

i cant even talk to my therapist because if I do she'll have to make a report and I'll be sent back to the mental hospital so I just gotta bottle everything up and just fucking smile

auntie if you're somehow reading this through the parental controls. fuck you. I fucking hate you I wouldn't have fucking scars on my arm if it wasn't for you I wouldnt feel scared to talk to people about my problems through the internet if it wasn't for you I wouldn't feel so shitty if it wasn't for you I fucking hate you. every time I see my fucking arm I think of you every time I see that fucking dog in the corner of my screen I'm reminded that you're watching my every move you and the mental hospital are the reason I always feel like I'm being watched because I am i have no safe outlet I have no one to go to and I just sit here and boil in my stress yet you think this is way healthier than before how the fuck do you even think that this is the first time in years I've even had passive suicidal thoughts yet you see this as better fuck you I fucking hate you you're the reason I wanna drink again because I feel like absolute shit fuck you.

im not ok and I'm sick of trying to pretend that I am

I'm tired of being nice to the people who hurt me I'm tired of waking up every day I'm tired of this I'm tired of people pushing their mental issues on me I'm sick of people trying to feel sorry for themselves by saying "oh you feel like shit it must be my fault so let me make you feel guilty by blaming your problems on myself making you have to be my therapist and convince me that I'm not the reason you want to cry yourself to sleep making you feel even worse in the process"

i'm done with putting people first when they don't even give a shit about me

[bubbles077]

haha... I'm about to cry my eyes out. My favorite teacher is retiring and not coming back after winter break, I had a fight with both my mom and my "friend" this morning, and am litterly starving because I was too upset to eat lunch today, and Had yet another panic attack today

Sorry for the vent I just need to yell into the void of the internet.

[naffeclipse]

*Arrives at Internet Explorer Speed*

Hey guys! Those new chapter of Lack of Light, am I right??!

FDKHKFGH Sorry I needed to make a silly entrance back in your inbox Naff XD

But aaaaaa I finally came back to read these and I'm here with a brand new comment!! For the two chapters I was missing no less! :D

So let's get to it!

Ok so first off I don't know if I'm just looking too much into it but I read this line: "You rely on your eyes to adjust to the darkness" from th first paragraph and it just felt significant to the rest of the chapter, you know? Very literal but metaphorical at the same time!

And oooh something I definitely have to praise in this is the amazing description of the anguish through all the physical sensations that the reader is going through. I think I've mentioned before that when I read reader inserts I don't truly put my real self in the story but rather try to imagine it through the main characters eyes, but wow did I feel this one. The way you detail all those physical effects that anxiety has on the body, beautifully described through images and comparisons, just made it seem so very real. I basically could almost feel them myself, just remembering times when I had definitely experienced something similar, even if the causes were different! I will always applaud your descriptions, Naff! Makes me want to take notes!

And AAAAAAA I gotta say that I absolutely love how just, hrrrr, I'm struggling to find the words to describe it, but I would say how there's a clear parallel between what both Reader and Eclipse are going through?

Because ok, first of all, is the matter of hiding right? Reader seems to be trying to hide (kind of like Eclipse does his true self), but through a mask instead of blindness. Even through previous encounters they have tried to present themselves a very specific way. The unshakable one. Unaffected by everything, at least in a way that goes beyond mild funny venting. And it feels like something they force themselves to do in their daily life, beyond the forest. It's just they're so used to doing it, that it became a part of how they perceive themselves and failing to do so feels to them like they're showing a part of themselves that is intolerable. And aaaaa then Eclipse also because clearly he must have enough experience having met other humans to know that even those that dared stay after learning of his presence ran away after seeing him. So both hide and hide while they wish for more and hate themselves for it, and might even think they don't deserve it.

(Sidenote: I love this description: "The mysterious being who exists in pure darkness, cast by the sun and the moon." Obviously because it references his name (be it a solar or lunar eclipse), but also because it reminds of his strange nature. Because an Eclipse is an event! A phenomenon that is not exactly a natural object, but something that can only be seen under the right conditions!)

And oooh speaking about Eclipse and hiding, I just love the contrast between Eclipse's darkness coming from being unseen vs the darkness born from emptiness. Because Reader so far hasn't been daring at all in pushing to see him, because they fear the latter. Eclipse's nature is intimidating, and it's often said that we fear not the darkness itself, but what we might find in it. But here it's the contrary! Both Reader and Eclipse fear that potential emptiness. They have found company in each other thanks to the darkness, but should something go wrong (pushing too much or scaring the other one away), they would find themselves staring into the void and nothing else.)

And that exactly leads into the doubts about what the other thinks once they've revealed themselves! And it's so interesting how they fear so intensely that the "flaw" they see in themselves, which are kinda opposite, is what will make the other regret meeting them. Like for Reader is that vulnerability, that inability to be perfect about everything that hits them in their daily life and dealing easily with it. They fear their "weakness" will disgust a great being as Eclipse. And for Eclipse is fearing that his form, great, strange, intimidating, monstrous, is what will leave him without his dear one. His very nature enough to drive them away. When in reality, it's likely those very things that made them initially appealing to the other! The Reader a precious little creature, that despite not having horns or sharp teeth lives their daily life bravely (enough to befriend a shadowy being). And Eclipse, a fascinating and fearsome creature, that despite it all demonstrates he's gentle and kind and capable of becoming that friend that provides the most comfort in Reader's life!

Ooooh I just adore how two very different beings, with way more differences than similarities, still have this experience in common. That fear and uncertainty about letting themselves be known, because past experience has thought them it's unwise, and yet they find relief from that terrible all-consuming anxiety when they let themselves trust that this time it will be different and that it is worth it, even if it is raw, to open up and let the right person in.

Now for Mothman Moon!

Just starting and the Reader is already turning the headlights on and off repeatedly jfhdsgkh Prime conditions for Mothman sightings! XD

Oooh I love how you build up the paranoia! Different situations, but it makes me think when it's late at night and for whatever reason you need to go out in a hallway of your home and you gotta reassure yourself that no, there's nothing lurking in the shadows of your home, be an adult and walk calmly jghdkfsj The feeling of being exposed and on edge is so very well achieved! But also all the little hints, like the raven falling quiet. And that instinctual feeling of being watched! Related to all this, I adore this line: "Your optimism slips in the slightest before you yank it back up by the throat and continue marching along." I felt that in my soul fkijhdfgkñjh

Aaaa I love how everything falls quiet at the flapping of wings! Everything knows to be quiet and freeze. And I love Reader is part of that everything. Like they are connected to the forest around them by virtue of not wanting to draw attention to themselves, something they share with all the creatures around.

And oooooo such a spooky sight when we finally get a glimpse of him!! Kinda gave me the urge to hold my breath as well as I read! Just the sight of the glowing red eyes coming from a shadow within the fog would paralyze anyone for sure! And then gjhfdkg poor Reader just shifts horror flavor from Creature-in-the-forest-that-could-kill-me to Stranger-Danger. Pick your poison and all that XD But man that instinct does seriously kick in when a stranger gives us bad vibes huh?

(As a sidenote, I love how you've given the different readers between chapters different responses to fear! Like the first chapter with Sun had Fight if I remember correctly, then the second chapter had Fawn, which I think it's trying to please to prevent from being harmed, even if the fear wasn't so much of Eclipse but of abandonment, and in this one we have Freeze! Which we see twice when Moon first appears and then when the car races towards them!)

Oh. My gosh??? The fact that Moon is just able to take on a car that's going full speed though?? Damn! And oooh he was not happy. He does not appreciate assholes/downright murderers in this area. (Btw I can't help but think that he did in fact break that second light slower on purpose to seem more menacing fjkhdaskjh)

Aaaa it's fascinating how he seems so perplexed by the Reader's response to everything that just happened! Like he doesn't quite understand the freeze response. It's something animals do as well, but I'm guessing if it doesn't work then most would ultimately run from the danger. It's probably the first instance of this he has encountered! And poor reader seems to just be very badly affected by it, physically as well as mentally judging by the lightheadedness.

(sidenote: "He looms, his wings flaring out beside him in magnificent flares of warnings and death." Me, helpless DCA simp, vivid image of the majestic view in my head: Um yes, hi, hello? 👉👈 GFÑLKDJHGÑLJ)

And aaaaa I loved the flight scene! I myself am pretty scared of heights so I likely would have screamed gkjhfdksj but! I love that we continue the theme of braving a bit of the fear to discover something wonderful! Despite my fear of heights I've always imagined how wonderful it would be to have wings and this scene just striked me as something terrifying yet beautiful because it really is an experience that Reader wouldn't get anywhere else! And despite the polarizing feelings of fear and safety just warring inside of them, the wonder was just so tangible as Moon carried them through the air!

And ooo I find it so interesting how he refers to multiple things as the "lights", which from his perspective must be the most notable characteristic of the stuff that emanates it! It's clear he's familiar with cars, and likely has witnessed what happens when one hits a living thing. And the light of the gas station tells him that it's a place humans go to. So he knows it's not just lights, but he still seems to perceive it as their most important characteristic. Aaaa I'm so curious about what the world looks like to him because of this!

And ough it's so sweet he keeps watch over them as they go trying to get the help they need. It seems to me he finds them really intriguing and the fact that he gave them his name could mean he hopes it will not be their last meeting!

And that's that!

Aaaaaa everytime I come back to your writing I keep being taken by surprise by how well you manage to make the reader immerse themselves in the story! Your descriptions are so vivid and your use of the language so *chef kiss*! Everytime I'm just dying to know what's the word that follows the previous one, what will happen, and when that tasty tension you build so well will reach it's snapping point! This little series was a delight to read and a very nice journey into what fear and darkness means to different people. And of course, meeting some very strange and fascinating creatures that make the unknown not as bad as it seemed <3

Thanks for this delicious chapters Naff! It's always a delight reading what you make! 

(Sorry if something is phrased weirdly btw, it’s kinda late as I’m writing this fgkjhdsk)

AHHH CHAOTIK! HI, HELLO! WELCOME BACK!!! I'm so glad to see you in my inbox again!!

Oh, I am rattling you so hard right now! I live for your analysis and I especially love that you caught how much Eclipse and Y/N complement and contrast each other—the same fears but different reasons. They are dear ones, your honor!!!

And Moon! My Mothman!Moon! He's so much fun to write! I'm really glad you enjoy his spooky entrance and his descriptions!

Also, with the readers, that's so funny that it changes from Fight, Fawn, and Freeze! I meant for Mothman's Y/N to freeze but I also think it's neat to explore different responses to fear, so I'm happy that stood out!

(He did break the second car light slowly—he's so dramatic lol)

He does have a different view of the world due to lights—humans have lights. Humans drive with them, live with them, and are afraid without them. Lights are just as foreign as those humans! But he does have a particular interest in Y/N—they were almost hit by the lights themselves. It's now every time he sees that, but he was curious from how they froze to how they were terrified yet in awe of flying. He even finds them cute but doesn't expect to see them again! But Y/N has plans of venturing back to the words with the mothman hehe

Gah, thank you so much, Chaotik! I love how in-depth you go and reading your thoughts makes my day, babe! <3

[hetalia-club]

Another rant about my ex hopefully the last one ever as I decided in some self reflecting to distance myself from him entirely, hopefully not even acquaintances.

I need to vent to someone, the problem is I don't have anyone I'm comfortable enough IRL to share all this with without them giving me those sad eyes and a 'there there'. So I'm using my blog. You don't have to read this. feel free to scroll on by. If you don't get triggered easily I would like if you did, you don't have to give me feed back or advice, I'm not looking for that. I'm mostly wanting to get what he did to me in the open so I can hopefully move on with my life. Throwing it into the void of the internet is better than writing it into a book and locking it in a drawer forever. People have to know how terrible he was to me. He shouldn't get off scot-free and have happiness while I still suffer. I tried to keep this as vague as possible and I'm not going to go into deep detail of all my abuse because a lot of it I still don't want to face for myself. Tw for abuse of all kinds. If you read this and at any point think "Hey that sounds kind of like my relationship." This is your wake up call to run far far away and not look back.

I Would just like to put it out there that I am NOT still in love with my ex. I hate that mother fucker. I hate that I probably gave him a confidence boost by trying to get back together. He does not deserve that. He deserves to be as miserable as he made me for 5 years. I genuinely believe he is objectively a terrible person. I know him very well and he is a very manipulative person. I don't think he truly cares about anyone but himself. I think the only reason he wants a GF is for someone to take care of his house chores and 'other' needs. That's it. He does not enjoy being in relationships. He does not like having serious conversations and he is mean as hell when you try and make him do something he does not want to do...which is anything. And he also won't tell you he didn't want to do it until after he did it and then he'll make your life miserable all week.

Was I just 'jealous' that he moved on? No, I don't think that's even correct really. I Truly think I'm petty and I don't want him to be happy. I want him to stay alone and miserable because that's all he deserves really. He mentally abused me for actual years why should he get to have a new girlfriend? He doesn't deserve one. He also STILL has not told me he's seeing anyone which I find INSANE because he texts me all the time. I normally reply lately I've been ignoring him. I know now that I mentioned getting back together he thinks I 'want him' and he gets off on the idea that I'm 'waiting around for him'. Well truly it couldn't be further from the truth. I think I hate him. I hate how he treated me, I hate how he moved on and I hate how he refuses to tell me, I hate his stupid Jeep Truck, I hate his temper, I hate his stupid uggo face, I hate his body, I hate his mustache he never trims no matter how many times I asked, I hate how he would bully me into crying and then once I started crying he would tell me I was over reacting and try and frame it like I were the crazy one and I would believe that I was. You don't have to beat someone to abuse them....Right? No he wouldn't do that...he loves me, he says so all the time so he must mean it, right? Some men are more upfront about their abuse, others hide it in crafty little ways eating away at you until you believe you are the problem. It MUST be you right? He keeps saying so. I mean... he's never hit you. He's never threatened you or scared you, he's never hurt you, or has he? Honestly you can't really remember, but it doesn't sound like something he would do. And he said he didn't. You're just over reacting like he says. You're hysterical. You need help. You should get therapy to make his life easier. You should stop bothering him so much with 'relationship problems' that you probably caused. You're such a bad partner. You're lucky he's with you. Who would want to be? You're actually crazy! You're losing your mind. He said jump, now ask him how high. He bought you designer clothes, how could he be abusive? He spent so much money on you! So what if he just wants you to do 'a little something' to pay him back for it later? It's not asking much. Those sunglasses were 600 dollars. It's just thirty minutes of your life it'll be over soon, don't be dramatic. Oh my god! It's not even that big of a deal you're over reacting again. He said he loves you, if you love him you should give him these things he wants, he gives you what you want, right? right?

Just a small story to help you understand the kind of relationship I was in for 5years. One weekend he asks me if I want to go out to eat. I agree. He tells me I can pick the place. I say I want Outback. I was super into Cheese Fries these few months and they have really good ones. He said okay. Didn't say it didn't sound good or maybe we eat someplace else. He said it sounded good and he would pick me up at 7, cool.

He picks me up and we're talking about dumb shit on the way to town we live in the middle of nowhere so it's a 45 minute drive to any decent civilization. Well about half way there I just casually ask him if he called ahead at Outback. This was right after Covid when everything just started to open back up, so places were doing limited seating, so I knew we would have to call or there was no way we would get a table. He said that, "yes" he did in fact call and he told them 8. After he said this our previous conversation just sort of stopped I would say something and he would give me like a one word answer but he was being really quiet. I knew something was up but didn't pry because he doesn't like that.

We get to Outback, go inside and I ask him. "did you give them your name?" as we wait in line at the host booth. He straight ignores me, pretends i didn't say a word. We finally get up there and i look at him and he just stars ahead at noth and I'm like "Um 2 for 8 under *his last name*" The lady was like "Yeah we don't have anything for 2 at eight at all." I look at him and i was like "Didn't you call?" And he was like "Hua? What? No..." And I was like. "Dude you said you called when i asked you in teh car?" and he goes. "You never asked me if i called, if you did i would have told you no." And i was like. "Why are you lying? I'm not stupid you can't tell me i didn't ask you that it was 20 minutes ago my memory isn't that bad. and he goes. "Okay well I didn't call!" In a loud whisper and then I look to teh lady and was like do you have anything? And she was like it's a 2 hour wait.

So I'm pissed obviously, he's pissed for whatever reason. We leave and when we get back in the car I was like. "Why did you lie to me about something so stupid?" And he starts SCREAMING. Telling me "He knew this would happen" That "I'm just mad because I didn't get my way" That I'm "Spoiled" and "I know you're just mad because we can't eat at Outback you always get this way about food!" and you know I was pretty pissed we were no longer eating at Outback seeing how he told me I could pick the place and I told him I wanted cheese fries. But I was mainly pissed that he just lied to me about something so dumb to my face and like I wouldn't find out when we got there. So he's yelling at me and I'm just sort of meekly trying to plead my case while he flies off the handle like a crazy person over something so dumb. And I was like "Just take me home, I don't want to be here anymore." he panics and was like. "I'm not taking you home I drove all this way to eat I'm not wasting money on gas because you're throwing a bitch fit. Pick somewhere else." So I picked Roadhouse, they also have cheese fries, not as good but beggars can't be choosers. I could tell that this choice irritated him. But he begrudgingly called and I could hear the phone conversation because it was just me and him in the car and the guy on the phone said it was only a 45 minute wait. He got of the phone and looked me in teh eyes and lied to me again saying they said "it was a two hour wait there to." I didn't tell him I heard the dude on the phone say only 45 minutes because I didn't know how he would react and honestly. It's been like 30 minutes now of just sitting in the car and him screaming at me so I'm just like "Pick anywhere I don't fucking care I would rather you took me home but just pick someplace. I will eat road kill at this point if we can just stop fighting" He insisted I pick so I was like "Okay Chilies, let's go there no one is ever there." They also have cheese fries, and our Chilies sucks so there truly is no one ever there idk how they are even still open, I believe it may be some sort of Mafia front, that is the only explanation. The parking lot is always empty.

Then he flips it... See this is how you start to see just how he would wear me down mentally until I just gave up. He goes. "Why do you always get to pick the place we eat?" And I was like "You told me to!" And he was like "Only because You'll get mad if I say anything about where we eat, see you're so mad at me now because we can't eat at Outback like you wanted everything is about you. You never ask where I want to eat." And I was like. "OMG WTF are you talking about!?" which was the first time I raised my voice this entire conversation. So he starts punching the steering wheel over and over again. So hard that the car is literally shaking and he broke the volume control button on his steering wheel. I'm just sitting there looking at him like 😒 when he stops there is like five minutes of silence as he just glares ahead of us in the parking lot and he goes. "How about *insert name of our local sushi place*" And I'm like "That's fine, let's just go anywhere." Then. There is a complete 180 on his personality. He's all smiles on the drive there, opening up a conversation about something (can't remember what) and I'm still seething inside because, that was all so stupid and immature. When we get there it's an hour and 1 1/2 wait and he tells the guy "yeah that's fine we'll wait" Like fuck you...we could have stayed at Outback. I still want French fries you bitch you took me to maybe the one place in town I can't order cheese fries, the whole reason we are out tonight, because I told you I was craving cheese fries. He took me to the bar and he was all flirty and he bought me an expensive drink with his typical. "Anything you want baby" Okay sure anything I want except fucking cheese fries, I guess! This is how he would get when he were trying to show off. But it was all just a mask he could take on and off as easily as normal people blink their eyes. I asked him. "So what was that punching the steering wheel all about?" And he was like. "What do you mean?" And I was like. "How you were repeatedly punching the steering wheel, why were you doing that? Was that supposed to be me or what?" Well if you guessed denial and gaslighting you would be right, though it happened less than 2 hours ago. According to him "I never did that. what are you talking about? I mean I put my hand on the steering wheel but I never punched it." So I dropped it. Why argue with someone who is a pathologically liar? We fought a lot because I never knew when he was telling me the truth because he would lie all the time about the dumbest shit, stuff he KNEW I was there for, conversations he denied happening. Ones I could literally prove with text messages and he would tell me, you took that the wrong way.

These are the kind of fights we had CONSTANTLY. (Along with some other bigger ones involving other things) So yes. They did start to feel normal. Being told I didn't know what I was talking about when I knew better was just a weekly occurrence. I always assumed he was lying to me. He eventually succeeded in convincing me I was 'crazy' and I went and got a major increase on my medication, with the promise from him that he would go to therapy for his anger issues, never happened. He all but forced me to go get on the birth control shot because I couldn't take the pill, it makes me violently ill and I have morning sickness while on it and am miserable every day. And the shot absolutely destroyed my hormones and I don't think my body ever recovered from it to this day. Which he assured me he would pay for, and then after the third shot I asked to him why hasn't he paid me back he claims this never happened and he never said he would pay for my birth control and why would he? It's not his birth control (okay crazy was of looking at it, i guess this is only for me then) So I told him I was going to go off of it because it was 300 bucks every month and I had to drive all the way to Fort Wayne to a woman's clinic. He said "No don't go off it I'll pay" he paid for it once, saw how much it was and was like "Fuck that" Also funnily enough the shot made me lose ALL attraction to him. Once it got regulated in my system I and nothing for him anymore, he disgusted me. Everything he said and did gave me the ick. I was in denial for about 2 years and tried to convince myself I did find him attractive and that it would come back eventually, never did. Both of these were medical abuse btw, I am aware of that now.

So as you can imagine as I was not attracted to him anymore I hardly wanted to sleep with him. But he would guilt trip me for it until I would feel bad and just do whatever he wanted. Even going as far as to mess with me in my sleep, I would pretend I didn't know but I did. It always made me so sad that the next morning he would act as though nothing happened, I know he knew I was awake, I am an extremely light sleeper. It's almost like he liked the idea that I didn't say anything to him about it. But he also knew I wouldn't say anything because I don't like confrontation and I knew he would deny it anyway. And this is just straight up SA

The entire idea of a new relationship to me now just feels so...what's the word I want? Tainted maybe? I don't think I believe in romantic love. I don't think he deserves love. I also don't think he's capable of giving love. I don't think he'll ever change, he has told me before. "This is who I am and I'm not changing for you or anybody." he truly believes he is a nice and good person which is the worst part. He thinks he's just fine the way he is. That everyone else is the problem. But the way I see it there is a common denominator. I should have realized when we first got together that his apprehension to tell me about ANY of his past girlfriends was odd. Not even their names. I still don't know who he's all dated or how many people or anything. Even if he insisted I give him my entire sexual history basically on the first month of our relationship. But I ask him who his last GF was and he gets all "You shouldn't be asking me that, the past is the past, don't worry about it" I thought that was weird he didn't even want to tell me names your GF knowing who your most current ex is, is not weird, it's very normal. He never spoke about them, it was like they never existed. But I knew he dated a girl with a kid once. I asked him about it and he pretended to not know who I was talking about, of course surprise surprise. Before we got together I overheard his cousin at a party say that he is a "very sneaky guy and a liar". She didn't say it in a nice way either she said it with a lot of distain like she was speaking from past experience. She was calling him for what he was and I wish I would have absorbed what she had said. I wish I would have asked her "What do you mean?" I wish could go back in time and tell myself not to say yes to a date with him. I should have known that the first time we ever hung out he pressured me to do things even though I pushed him away multiple times and he kept moving his hand back. I should have know he was terrible I should have been able to see it. I hate myself for not seeing it. I would always give him the benefit of the doubt, I would blame myself for not speaking up, not calling him out. But I know it was all him. He had me right where he wanted me, he knew me better than anyone he knew what I wouldn't react to out of social anxiety. I hate myself, but I hate him more for what he's done to the way I look at all men. Oh how I hate them! They all unfairly get blamed for the way he treated me and it's not fair. I hate that I meet a new man and assume he is terrible, a wolf in sheep's clothing. A liar and manipulator. I always wonder, what is he like when he gets mad? What does he think about the word no? I hate it. I've never hated anyone more. The worst part is I can't let him go. He is still in my mind after 7 months he still creeps in and I think about him. I wonder what he's doing, how he's doing. I hate it. And sometimes i miss him. But why? Why do I miss his abuse? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? Why do I fantasies about men who would treat me badly after being with him? Why do I feel like I'm not worthy of being treated like a decent human? Why do I only write relationships that are toxic and depressing with abuse and then apologies only for it to happen again? Is it a way of self therapy or is it something I really secretly desire? Why do I think that's what a relationship should be? Why can't I get him out of my head? Why can't I write cutesy romance with 'love' and kisses, why does it always turn into a tragedy? Why does it not feel like a good 'love' story until I've written abuse in some way? with someone hurting teh others what should be beyond repair for them to just forgive and forget? You all want to know like...the worst part honestly? In hindsight he kinda ugly fuckin' tho, fucking tragic. Like he's not even hot. What's the damn point.

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[y4nd0ll-http]

💿Ｌｏａｄｉｎｇ…

Greetings human! Welcome in my internet’s space 🌐✧˖°₊ ⊹

I’m just a Doll trying to find her purpose in life and feeling the void in her fragile heart</3

I don’t have a name, you can just call me Doll. You can use any pronouns, I don’t mind. I’m 18 years old. In this little space of my I just want to write about myself, how I feel, my dreams and all my possessive, obsessive thoughts!

I’m really shy and sensitive! Please be patient with me >~<

Feel free to stay how much you want, feel free to chat too! I am always open to conversation :)

Tag system:

#Y4n-http💙 °₊ ⊹ …..for my Yan post!

#Email💾 °₊ ⊹…..for asks!

#D0ll-http💿 °₊ ⊹…..for my vents!

[sw4mpc0re]

Internet lover

I'm so done with it all. The internet, social media, phones as a whole. I'm just coming here to vent sorry if this ends up long or maybe I'm not idk. It seems like one of those things everyone's going through, but no one wants to hear about. Now, obviously, we've all always been aware that phones and socials are addicting. But lately, it's just....getting to me so much. It sucks because I spend so much time alone at home, and I've made what I felt to be genuine friendships online, but if i leave those spaces, that's that. Gone forever are people I've known for years because no ones gonna text.

I don't blame them.

It's heartbreaking because I'm getting to this point where I feel I just may have to for my mental health, and just lose those friendships. Specifically I do mean Facebook, I'm aware it's dated but my friendships on the platform have spanned that long. It's hard to let go. But that is by far not all that's going on here.

God scrolling is so fucking boring like oh my God what the fuck are we actually doing?

No one wants to hear that but we must all think it.

I'm trying to make better use of my time and I think....I think I'm getting better. It's a process. I'll be using timers soon but everytime I'm on my phone all I can think about is how I'm

On my phone

Wasting my time

I open social media just to close it.

And I'm not trying to be biased. I still find comfort in small corners of online spaces.

Tumblr, my youtube channel, sharing music and art through Instagram and never actually looking at it.

I'm aware I am a hypocrite.

I find some comfort in throwing my feelings into the void as much as the next person but God I'm tired of scrolling. I miss the old internet. The one that had to be accessed by a computer and the world felt separate from technology. You had to put in effort.

Now they've mutated together like some amorphous monster

All consuming of our precious fleeting attention

I've watched people I love waste away to propaganda and misinformation based fear.

I've seen really interesting creative people (such as myself) stifled out because of a crippling addiction to screens

I've seen people do wonderful and amazing and horrible and shameful things in the name of some omnipotent entity that we all just casually accepted, and now we can't turn back.

Hell, even the internet is now consuming itself to death.

We've been given too much information. When are we going to stop acting like this is normal?

[negative-speedforce]

Happy holidays and welcome to the chaos!

(intro post- under the cut to save space)

I'm really passionate about Star Trek, Star Wars (especially the Chiss Ascendancy), the Arrowverse, and a whole lot of other stuff. I also write a lot! You can find my writing on my AO3, or by searching the tag #revan writes.

My name is Revan (he/they/it), and I'm a transmasc oriented aroace in my 20s. This is my main blog, from which I follow and reblog most posts. It's kind of a mishmash of anything from fandom to my writing to politics right now, and that is unlikely to change any time soon.

I don't have any specific DNI, but if you're mean, annoying, or start/spread a lot of discourse/internet drama, I block very liberally for extremely petty reasons. No hard feelings, I'm just picky.

Conservatives, fundamentalist Christians, bigots of all kinds, and Zionists can fuck off. I am a gay af pagan anarcho-socialist, there is nothing on this blog for you, and you'll honestly probably get your feelings hurt if you try to stick around.

Minors follow at your own risk, I don't post NSFW but my blog is very much geared towards adults.

If you need me to tag for something, feel free to ask. I can't promise I'll always remember, since I'm as scatterbrained as a squirrel on cocaine, but I'll make a genuine effort. I reserve the right to refuse to tag if I don't feel comfortable.

My main tags are:

#oc shit: Stuff about my OCs, which you can read about on my OC Masterpost

#revan screams into the void: My original posts. Could be anything from fandom analysis to a vent post.

#revan writes: Prompt fills and short one-shots that I publish here on Tumblr.

#revan works retail: Laments about my life as a retail employee, often from an anti-capitalist perspective.

#ehlers-danlos tag: Stuff about living with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a genetic disorder which causes chronic joint pain and all kinds of connective tissue problems

Feel free to find me elsewhere!

Ao3

Pinterest

Spotify (can't promise I have good music taste)

Instagram (it's my anonymous side account, send me a message so I know who you are!)

Wattpad