#i am immediately dragged offstage

[potatoesandsunshine]

sometimes you will know a character is bisexual. for example rose of sharon cassidy—

[gloriousmonsters]

love when you can ask the Narrator why the Princess is a Princess and he's like 'well i uhhhh YOU did that. maybe it's because uh... something something about her being above you... but still approachable... look i don't want to analyze or anthropomorphize your--' my guy. i am a primal being of Order and Eternity and Shaping. You're the one who convinced me I was some dude and were quite willing to take credit for shaping my view on the world through narration five seconds ago. Are you gonna look me in the eye and tell me the desire to interpret something worthy of adoration and more powerful than me as a dommy princess is written in the very nature of the universe or are you going to show me your browser history like a man

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

F&F AU!

Eheheheh so for those of you not aware, F&F stands for Fast & Furious, so yes, after @mistmarauder and @catdadeddie made me watch that franchise for the first time, I am writing a Fast & Furious Buddie AU.

But uh not the spy shenanigans and cars in space part. Just the first one.

The premise is that rookie cop Eddie Diaz moves to Los Angeles to reconnect with Shannon, who when they were teenagers was big in the street racing scene (there's a teeny tiny Timeless Easter egg in there actually). But Shannon dies shortly after Eddie moves there and Eddie learns that part of why she refused to see him was she had been recruited by the LAPD to infiltrate the street racing scene to get an in with the 118 racers, a group that are believed to be robbing and smuggling. They're led by a former cop, Athena Grant, so they know all the usual tricks and keep outsmarting the police. Now that Shannon has died, Eddie's offered the opportunity, and takes it since it means a much higher payday that he can use to pay for his son's care.

He's supposed to get in with Maddie Buckley, who recently joined the group and doesn't seem to be involved in their crimes, but Eddie senses Maddie's in a bad place and instead chooses to go after the group's wild card (and Maddie's younger brother) Evan "Buck" Buckley. Buck's been banned from racing by Bobby Nash, Athena's husband, for unknown reasons, so Eddie figures he can help Buck sneak in and win some races to get his in.

It's just that. Well. Buck is very good looking. And sweet. And funny. And he adores Christopher. And...

Well you can see where this is going.

But oopsies :3 Eddie's still a cop :3 how on earth will the 118 react when they learn this? :3 and how will Eddie adjust when he finds the 118 gives him the family and support he's always craved? :3

we're an ACAB household here we all know how Eddie's gonna adjust. now the real question is how will he adjust to Buck's cock in his-- *I am dragged offstage by a comically large hook*

Basically I watched the first film and was like... you ever see something trying so hard to be macho it circles right around to being gay? Yeah. That. It was delightful. And I needed to write about Buck and Eddie being homoerotic about engines and gear shifts while racing sexy cars through Los Angeles immediately.

It's going to be very fun to write, I had hoped to write it this summer since I don't know if any of you have seen the film, but the first F&F film has a very sticky dog days of summer feel to it, the L.A. it shows is wonderfully lived in and grimy in a very affectionate way, but obviously I had to start working on my Halloween fics so that didn't happen. But it's still gonna be fun either way!

[toomuchracket]

Have you seen that one video of the end of sex where matty looks like he j*zzed his pants? (Awful sentence to have to type but for some reason tumblr wont let me link things off anon)

I’m not too sure about the d word timeline BUT since that was during atvb imagine already being together when it happened and watching it offstage (or maybe bustling around backstage doing odd tasks for the crew & on a whim checking twt and seeing someone in the crowd had already posted it IDK NOT IMPORTANT).

Anywayyy he comes offstage and it’s all you can do not to pounce immediately 😭 sneaking off into some supply closet to give him the sloppiest most soul sucking bj ever while he tugs ur hair and tells you how well you’re doing for d*ddy…. Giving him exactly .5 seconds to recover after he finishes before dragging him off to your hotel room to actually fuck………. I am so sorry but i cannot be normal about this !!

i wrote a tiny fluffy version of this here!! and yes i am absolutely familiar with said video. but frankly i think every time he plays that song you would go nuts with lust lmao - especially if it's the first show you've managed to attend of tour because of work commitments back in london. like it's been a busy day - your flight only got in that morning and you're still technically working, and matty's been prepping for the show/doing promo - so you haven't had much time to yourselves; you had a quick dinner date and catchup together, but there was no time for more passionate affection than a little makeout session just before matty went onstage (and a tiny kiss after his quick change after consumption). and yeah, you want him enough as it is, and then you see him with that bastard red guitar and you're DESPERATE. you know there's nobody at the show that needs to be met and chatted to backstage afterwards, it's a "rest for a minute, get changed, go back to the hotel" type situation, so when matty comes offstage all undressed and sweating and exhilarated and just so so sexy and pulls you into a hug, you whisper in his ear like "i love you, i'm proud of you, and i really really need you right now". and matty pulls back to hold your face in his hands and look at you, rubbing his thumb across your lips; he sees how desperate you are for him and he's like "yeah? you need daddy to make you feel good, princess? got you all worked up tonight, it seems", and you drag him off to a random lockable cupboard you found earlier, getting on your knees and saying "need to make you feel good first, s'all i can think about", and matty's like "fuck go ahead babe". and you don't need to be told twice - the two (or so) months of not seeing your man AND the way he looked onstage tonight have turned you a bit feral, so you suck his dick like your life depends on it, savouring every hair tug and guttural moan and whine of your name and hiss of "fuck, that feels good. so fucking good for me, princess, so good for daddy" that leaves matty's lips. he finishes so quickly that he'd probably be embarrassed if he wasn't focusing so much on stopping his knees from fully giving out, while you sit back on yours and watch in satisfaction, licking the last little bit of his cum from your lip. matty pulls you to stand after a minute or so, kissing you languidly before saying "that was definitively the best blowjob i have ever had. you're insane. i love you, my girl" - there's another kiss, before you pull back and smile at him like "i love you too. and that was only the beginning. let's go home so i can ride you on the stairs in our hallway", and matty's like "holy fucking christ OKAY". and you do! lmao <3

[sister-juniper]

Execution (Terzo x Reader)

Very heavy angst!! Includes mentions of death

my ao3 my wattpad

☆ Word count: 1699 ☆

---------------------------------

This past week has been one huge blur.

It started as normal. Terzo had called you in the morning like he always does while he is on tour. He wished you well and told you he was excited to see you when he arrived home. It was his final show of the tour, and you were ecstatic at the thought of seeing him again.

The thought of rushing into his arms, him kissing your lips again, hearing his sweet and sultry voice in your ear saying "I love you". You had missed it all so dearly, and you were so excited to have it back.

On that call, he had promised to take you out to your favorite restaurant once you returned. Terzo was such a romantic, always planning the best dates and pulling out all the shots to please you. There was never a dull moment between the two of you.

You had hung up the call like any other, but little did you know it would be the last time you two would have a pleasant conversation.

Later that night when Terzo was meant to play his show, you tuned in to the live stream which broadcasted the show to viewers who couldn't attend the ritual. You got yourself comfy in the two of yous shared bed with some snacks, and watched the ritual.

You smiled, you laughed at his little jokes, and you thirsted over his usual sexual behaviors. All are a part of the usual ritual-watching process. Everything was going as planned, as normal. This was until the very last song came along, Monstrance Clock.

Terzo did his monologue, and he sang the song, but near the end is when everything went wrong. He stepped on a platform on the stage and instructed the audience to continue singing, but just as he was about to speak again, two men pulled him off the platform and dragged him offstage.

You were sent into absolute hysteria.

The ghouls were confused, one ran after him. The audience screamed Terzo's title and you could hear their cries through the television screen. You stared at the TV with wide, confused eyes, wondering what on earth had just happened.

You screamed his name to try and do something, but of course, it was useless. Panicked tears streamed down your face as your eyes were fixed on the screen, waiting for what was next.

A few seconds later, a man you recognized, Papa Nihil, stumbled on stage with his cane. Everyone in the audience, including you, was shocked.

He croaked into the microphone "I am Papa Emeritus Zero, the fun is now over, and the dark ages have begun."

Just as you let out another scream, the live stream was cut off. Your hands were shaking, but you immediately reached for your phone to call Terzo for some sort of explanation. Maybe it was just part of the act? Maybe Terzo is actually okay?

You called his number, and it rang, but the call went to voicemail. You tried again, and again, and again, but each time it never went through. You kept getting sent to voicemail.

You screamed his name and hoped that would do something, but it didn't. More and more tears streamed down your face every time the calls didn't go through. You knew something bad was going to happen, or already had happened, and there was nothing you could do about it.

Throughout that week, you were never able to speak with Terzo. You had been persistently questioning Imperator throughout the week, only to be met with blank, useless answers. Terzo still had not returned, and he was supposed to return five days ago!

You were sitting in your shared quarters, still all by yourself, when a knock came at the door. You opened, and were met with Omega ghoul staring right back at you.

"Y/N, you need to come with me." 

"Omega?? What is going on? Where is Terzo??"

He gave you a somber look and took your hand. He led you silently down the hallways of the Ministry. You kept questioning him, but he still did not answer. You prayed to Satan that by some miracle he was taking you to Terzo. Omega had red eyes too, it was obvious he had been crying as well. He clearly wasn't in control of this either.

The two of you reach a big set of doors and Omega leads you inside. You are met with the rest of the ghouls as well as Imperator, standing outside of another room inside of the bigger room.

"Go inside, Imperator was graceful enough to let you two have one final meeting" said Alpha. He too looked devastated.

You stared at him with wide eyes but just nodded, trying to process all of what he just said. You push open the other door and Omega closes it behind you. 

There is another person in the room, and he sits up immediately at the sound of the door. It is Terzo.

He looks at you with teary, tired eyes, messed up paint, and his clothes are all wrinkled. He is sitting in a chair, but cannot move as his ankles and wrists are tied to it.

"Terzo?? Oh my satan what is going on?!" You shout as you rush towards him.

You sit on his lap, wrap your arms around him, and start sobbing. "What have they done to you?? What is happening??"

"T-Tesoro..." 

You pull back from his shoulder and look at him in the eyes. He too has tears streaming down his face.

"I am so sorry, but this will be the last time we speak. We only have 10 minutes..."

"What do you mean Terzo?? What... I-I..."

"They are going to kill me, I can't do anything. I am so so sorry Y/N..." 

"KILL YOU?? WHY???"

"Yes, mi amore... I am so sorry. They won't tell me why..."

Your body starts to shake again as you hug him as tight as possible. You sob hysterically into his shoulder. Terzo wants so badly to rub your back and hold you, but he can't. His arms are tied. He can only sit there and watch you lose yourself in front of him.

"I-I can't lose you Terzo.. I just can't... I thought we were going to get married!!" You yell while glancing at the engagement ring on your finger. He had proposed to you just before he left for the last leg of the tour.

"I know amore.. I know... I am so sorry..."

"I love you so much Terz... so so much.."

Terzo lets out a loud sob and you can feel his tears on your shoulder.

"Kiss me, kiss me because it will be the last time..." Terzo says through his cries

You pull back, look him deep in his eyes, and smash your lips against his for the final time. You put your hands on his face and kiss him as deeply as you can. You savor every last little piece of him, you want to remember the feeling of this kiss forever. 

You pull back and look into his eyes again with tears blurring your vision. Just as you are about to lean in for another kiss, the door opens.

"Y/N, the time is up." Omega states

"What?? N-no... I can't leave him.."

Omega says nothing and just walks towards you. 

"I love you so much" Terzo says for the final time. You scream a bloodcurdling scream as Omega rips you from Terzo's lap and drags you out of the room.

You kick and scream and try to break free from his grasp, but there is nothing you can do. You are dragged out of the room and the door shuts, locking Terzo inside once again.

You weren't able to sleep that night. The memories from the day haunted you. You just could not comprehend that he was going to be killed. You just couldn't believe it would be the last time you would see him.

Your screams and cries of anguish were heard all throughout the ministry. Nobody was angered at the noise though, everyone knew what was going on, and everyone besides Imperator and Nihil took pity on you.

Two days passed, and the congregation was called to an urgent assembly. There were whispers all about, many theories as to what this was, but you had a feeling that this was going to be it.

You tried to stay in your quarters, you couldn't bear to watch your lover be killed. You just wanted the last memory of him to be him lovingly kissing your lips, telling you he loved you.

However, a ghoul soon hunted you down and dragged you downstairs. You were going to be forced to watch.

He dragged you to a spot in the front, and ordered you to sit down. You had no choice but to obey his orders.

There were a few announcements all made by Imperator, you tried to tune them all out, but one couldn't help but catch your attention.

"Today we will be witnessing the execution of Papa Emeritus III"

This was it. This was the moment you had been dreading. He was going to be killed, what Terzo had told you was the truth, they were going to kill him.

You tried to scream, but you couldn't, you couldn't even cry. Your body was frozen in shock, it was frozen in agony. 

You saw him again. Omega and Alpha dragged him to the podium, each ghoul holding one of his arms. They both had faces of sorrow and devastation. Both with red, tired, and teary eyes, just like you. You heard screams all around you, but you tuned them out. All you could focus on was Terzo.

Terzo looked at you from the podium, and you looked back. The two of you never broke eye contact, even as his head was laid on the block.

You could see tears trickling from his eyes, you could see his lips trembling. He wanted to reach his hand out towards you but he couldn't, they were tied behind his back.

You screamed his name over and over and tried to run after him, but a ghoul held you back. 

You watched in horror as a sword was handed to Omega. The poor ghoul would be the executioner.

He lifted the sword, and you screamed Terzo's name one final time. Then it was all over. Terzo was dead, and there was nothing you could do.

----------------------------------------

[asmoshoebox]

bvm episode 11 reactions (spoilers)

asmoraius and his maybe sort of definitely buoyfriend aughhhhh i need to kiss him forever and ever. xaphan's hug.... god i wish that were me

i love that nis just sounds like the world's crankiest grandparent lol. i... don't rly love how much attention was paid to that change? it wasn't as seamless as it could have been, like that's the type of thing you maybe mention once to clarify (and only bc it's an audio performance) and then you move the fuck on. idk

belzagor you are making me weep. xaphan needs to hug belzagor asap 😭

trainee i love you forever i am kissing you on the forehead. HUGE fan of the fact that trainee totally accepts the existence of demons and hell (which don't exist in judaism) but pauses at the concept of angels (which do very much exist in judaism) like she was fully ready to become a demon at the drop of a hat and yet. did not consider that angels may also exist. i can't wait to see the rest of her existential crisis. I ALSO LOVE THAT HER DEMON FORM IS ON FIRE that's literally like a halo for her

MY TRENTBLAS AGENDA GROWS STRONGER AND MORE POWERFUL WITH EVERY PASSING DAY dude if i were into whump id be having a FIELD DAY with this episode are you KIDDING ME im not though (ive tried. trust me) BUT IF I WERE...... the gears are turning. save me

i do love that hornblas gets dragged offstage almost immediately. i respect the commitment to the bit. (....the manner in which he was dragged offstage really adds to my post about trent sucking him off in the hottopic backroom. tbh.)

[youngpettyqueen]

did anyone send you tng already 💜

nobody has!! TNG my beloved, which took me. 10 entire years to actually fully watch <3

The first character I first fell in love with:  DATA. I have loved Data since the first time I tried to watch TNG, when I was 14. I latched onto him immediately and I have never once let go. such a compelling and fascinating character, I could write a thesis on him, probably fundamentally shifted my brain chemistry

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: I'd have to say Riker I think! Riker didnt interest me much when I was younger, but when I got older and rewatched the first few seasons and actually went through the entire show, I found myself really enjoying him! some of it is that I am very much gay and very much in love with him, but a lot of it is that I do find him quite compelling, and he's very enjoyable to watch!

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: I genuinely cant think of a TNG character that I dont like that I wasn't supposed to not like

The character I love that everyone else hates: PULASKI. fandoms will say they want more evil women and they cant even handle Doctor Pulaski being rude. her arc was COMPELLING. Data's my fav and I hate when people are mean to him but people are fucking ridiculous about the Pulaski hate

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: cant think of any tbh!

The character I would totally smooch: Deanna Troi Will Riker I would do anything to be in the middle of- (gets dragged offstage)

The character I’d want to be like: honestly... Riker. I really admire how respectful and earnest he is, his dedication to what he does, how he most often chooses kindness and understanding but can and will fuck somebody up if he needs to. also, again, would love to be that slutty and iconic

The character I’d slap: who else but Q

A pairing that I love: Troi/Riker makes me feel shrimp emotions. they LITERALLY go on dates and kiss and say theyre just friends. Troi/Riker im sorry your show was airing in a time where you couldnt be in an open relationship onscreen cause that is ABSOLUTELY what was going on

A pairing that I despise: Troi/Worf could've been cute but it was very rushed so it didnt do it for me unfortunately. had it been handled better (and also if it was Troi/Riker/Worf) I think it would've been really compelling and fun! but alas we got it the way we did :/

[dualiti-real]

OC-tober Day 5: Relationships

I was going to do a chart but I have too many characters and I haven't introduced them all yet so instead I'll take this as an opportunity to introduce two OCs at once, my two absolutely terrible guys, Laurel and his husband Faust!

(warning for brief mentions of mind control in the context of Laurels powers, lemme know if there's anything else in here anyone would want a warning about that I missed)

Laurel is the closest thing Dualiti really has to a villain, as mentioned in his neocities blurb. but due to Dualiti's very static state of being, he's mostly been bothering the same places and people for the last 1000 years, the only thing changing being who's being sent to fight him. either way, he is extremely content with the status quo he's in, where he has a lot of control in his little bubble and can do basically whatever he feels like. He and Vex have a very complicated rivalry, but that's a whole different quadrant- *I AM IMMEDIATELY DRAGGED OFFSTAGE BY SECURITY*

His husband is Faust, a mad scientist who is the absolute worst. just about everyone who meets him is immediately repulsed by his personality, which is "I am smarter than everyone else and anyone who claims otherwise is stupid and wrong, even when I am actively failing at something". somehow, though, Laurel is absolutely charmed by his cringefail demeanor. it also helps that Faust is equally head over heels for him. they are both completely terrible but I guess somehow they cancel eachother out, so that's nice? I'm glad they managed to find eachother.

Laurel Fun Facts:

Though Laurel looks like just a really tall elf, (he is 7'6". elves in the universe of Dualiti do not get that tall ever.) he's actually a sentient magical organism that is puppeting a corpse to function as his main body. that organism is the slime, which manifests on his body as the hair coming from his head.

when Laurel (the magic organism) consumes matter, it produces more slime, which can be used as structures, weapons, and as means of controlling others.

He can make hunters by basically infecting people with himself, (someone ingests the slime, it gets into an injury, ect.) and puppeting them from the inside. once he's infected someone, they're basically already on his network, and he can step into the controls any time. (you know, like vris- *I am once again dragged offstage*) he doesn't use it a lot unless he has to, though. he likes the challenge of convincing people to work for him.

(also just to get it out there because I mentioned Laurels powers and I want to make it clear that, no, Faust isn't being mind controlled or anything. he just encountered someone who actually genuinely liked him and went full Gomez Addams about it)

He is very much inspired by my love of classic disney villains. always love a character who is awful and is having so much fun with it. Shoutout to my girl Maleficent she inspired SO much about Laurel without me even realizing it.

as mentioned, he and vex have sort of a weird rival thing going on. do they hate eachother? are they best friends? something else? fucking. I don't know man.

(shout out to Hark a Vagrant by Kate Beaton for the reference)

you can tell thats old art because laurel doesn't have his cape yet. anyway, now we're moving on to

Faust Fun Facts:

Faust is very much inspired by characters like Doctor Robotnik, or Berdly of Deltarune. basically characters that are very confident in being super smart even when they probably aren't actually.

this isn't to say he's bad at what he does, he's really good at making robots and doomsday devices and the like- he's just bad at realizing that maybe he shouldn't keep putting in the function for them to explode randomly or at the slightest interference. high intelligence, fucking AWFUL wisdom.

He and Laurel met when Faust accidentally crashed his egg-mobile type thing into Laurels mansion and DIRECTLY onto the table Laurel was having tea at.

it's honestly a miracle Laurel thought he was funny and didn't end up killing him.

Faust does smoke, even though as a hunter/undead he doesn't really like, get any of what you would get from a cigarette. old habits die hard. (maybe he just likes the taste.)

as mentioned he is absolutely hopeless over Laurel. Laurel could literally do anything and Faust would think it was great. thankfully Laurel likes him just as much right back, which means that Faust can fuck up his evil schemes as much as possible and Laurel will not even care. he loves his silly little idiot so much.

[icesiscouture]

Okay, besties, y’all didn’t seem horribly annoyed at the prospect of me posting more about my Trixie and Katya M&G last night, so here is that post.

I could tell they were both in a good mood before it was even my turn because they were loud and Trixie was cackling (as per usual). The first time I met them together, I was really nervous, but last night I just felt weirdly calm about the entire thing, which I think helped a ton. I walked over to them, and Katya immediately asked me how I was. I said I was doing really well and asked how they were. Katya said they were both doing well. Trixie clocked the purple Trixie Cosmetics scrunchie I had in my hair and went, “Is that my scrunchie?!” I said, “It is your scrunchie!” She smiled really big and told me it was “so cute.” I am, of course, delusional and annoying, and I was like, “Right? I am really cute.” They both burst out laughing, and Gabriel came through and got a picture of that. We then took our official photos, and Gabriel gave me the little cue to leave, but Trixie leaned over again and went, “My favorite thing to do in drag is wear a scrunchie on my wrist like a bracelet as if I could put my hair up at any time.” I was like, “I love it, honestly. It’s a look.” Then I thanked everyone and left. It was so charming and sweet and truly the perfect little interaction for such a short amount of time.

Other highlights of the night include Katya almost running directly into me in the lobby before the M&G; meeting Kelly; Trixie and Katya both continuously talking shit about Springfield, which I loved as someone who grew up right outside of that town and believes it’s the absolute worst; Trixie accidentally launching her ribbon at us in the front row and having to shuffle over while a guy a couple seats down from me picked it up to hand back to her; Katya and Kelly both fucking up their lines; and Katya running directly to me at the end of curtain call with her hands out towards me, to which I initially responded by blowing her a kiss until she did grabby hands and I realized what she wanted (she gave them a little squeeze and then smiled and ran offstage).

I had so much fun at my first Trixie and Katya Live show, but last night was genuinely 5,000 times better in every possible way. 💜

[spokelseskladden]

hey emil i have some goofy dnd updates for you!! im mostly talking in the 3rd person for simplicity’s sake. enjoy!

(cw for fictional animal death, just in this bullet point) the ranger, who spent a good chunk of her life in the woods, decided to go hunting. the monk tagged along and tried to kill a deer by throwing an axe at its neck. despite having to roll with disadvantage they still managed to take its head clean off. the ranger was very unhappy that she didn’t get to do her proper hunting. oblivious to this, the monk decided to try and haul the carcass back singlehandedly. for reference, they are 102 cm tall and the ranger is 160 cm tall. the monk rolled a nat 20 on strength and easily carried the whole deer back to campsite. the ranger was VERY annoyed.

the warlock tried using his fire spells to see if he could fly off the group like a jetpack. it sort of worked?

the paladin discovered she could summon a magic water horse to ride on to the next village. she and the ranger rode the horse, the monk rode the ranger’s dog because they’re small, and the warlock sat in the ranger’s bag of holding with only his head poking out

the monk and the warlock are trying to keep their identities a secret in the town they’re headed to, so the warlock decided to use his disguise spell to make him look like a different guy. unfortunately, he made himself look like a twelve year old’s bad drawing of an anime boy which promptly horrified the party and they all yelled at him to switch back

the monk tried to disguise themself by dying their hair with ink and random berries they found in the woods. the dye worked for two seconds before it started raining and it all washed out immediately 

as they were traveling, the party noticed the sign pointing toward where the warlock and the ranger’s hometown would’ve been (they’re siblings). the warlock pointed it out to the ranger who got upset because the town had burnt to the ground years ago and they were the only survivors. the monk, who was tricked into burning that town down and kept it a secret from the party, didn’t know it was the siblings' hometown. the monk rolled a natural 20 to make the connection, another natural 20 to hide the fact that they’d made the connection, and a third natural 20 in a row to make sure the warlock couldn’t read their mind and learn that they’d figured out the connection. the odds of rolling 3 nat20s in a row is 1/8000 or 0.0125% (i am an insanely lucky roller)

the warlock decided to disguise himself as a hot androgynous dwarf in 12-inch heels and throw a drag show in the bar of the tavern the party stayed at and rolled a 19 to performance so everyone was really into it until the warlock started yelling about overthrowing the king and then his sister dragged him offstage

the warlock later met up with his shady magic teacher from a few years ago. the rest of the party hid in the shadows to eavesdrop. the warlock tried to lie about there being people there and rolled a natural 1 but the teacher rolled a natural 1 to pick up on the lie so neither character knew what tf was going on

that also led to this exchange:

warlock: you were my favorite teacher

teacher: i was your only teacher

warlock: you changed my life

teacher: i taught you magic, of course i did

later the party started talking about how they were going to pull off a heist by stealing a secret object from the nearby monastery (that the monk ran away from years ago). they were all talking about what spells/potions they could use to not get caught when the warlock suddenly remembered he had invisibility spells and everyone yelled at him (good-naturedly) for not realizing it sooner

the monk suggested the warlock and ranger go get invisibility potions in town while they and the paladin go back to the tavern. once everyone agreed i revealed that that divide was intentional so the monk could have a private conversation with the paladin and everyone freaked out

at the apothecary, the warlock decided to roll to find out whether the monk, who flirts with almost every female npc possible, would be into the herbalist. the warlock rolled a natural 20. the monk said that the herbalist is not their type but as the herbalist talked more the monk decided they like her. the party determined that the monk’s type is simply “woman”

the herbalist dumped out a potion to brew an invisibility potion in the cauldron, the ranger was concerned until the herbalist told her what she was brewing was essentially fantasy viagra and the party completely lost their shit over the phrase “fantasy viagra”

Asdgghddsghj i too am losing my shit over fantasy viagra!!!!! Thank you so much for this update, I always look forwards to my favourite dnd party's shenanigans 😆

[tu-ut]

wait hisuian electrode loses the hole on top when it evolves? but then where do the tentacles come fro-

[i am immediately gagged and dragged offstage]

[moved-please-leave-me-alone]

24 to 27!

24. Honestly the Weird Al thirst has always been extremely funny to me. Not technically an “in-joke” as most of us are being completely serious as far as I’m aware (I am too) but. It’s still very funny JWJFJEJDJD

25. I LOVE the WAYCU!!! And by that I mean I love UHF and didn’t really like his biopic JWJFJEJRJRJRJ I still need to watch the Compleat Al though, it sounds good!

26. The WAYTU gives me proof that he’s just a cartoon character who figured out dimensional travel. Dead convinced that he’s not “cameoing” in these shows, nope he just got caught in an episode when trying to dimension hop. It’s so obvious!!!!!!! /silly

27. “Are you aware of the hoards of people on tumblr who find you attractive” afterwards I would immediately be shot by a CIA agent and dragged offstage and thrown into a cargo ship to Albuequerque in 2011 in which I would meet Walter Hardwell White, and ask him if he’s ever watched UHF before

[zintranslations]

Kaleidoscope of Death, Extra 8

Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu Link to Chinese / Novel Updates

Extra: Tan Zaozao

Tan Zaozao had filmed many movies, had played countless characters. She'd been the bewitching dancer, the heroic swordswoman, the loving mother, the young woman who just could not extricate herself from the throes of love.

Every character was different, just as every person led a different life.

When Tan Zaozao first got into the entertainment circle, she had had an accident: while she was shooting a scene on horseback, she had been careless, and fallen off the horse. Her injuries had been terrible, and she'd almost lost her life. A close friend of hers came to visit her in the hospital and completely chewed her out, asking if she wanted to die, why didn't she use a stunt double for such a dangerous occasion.

Tan Zaozao had answered with a smile: "My life's not worth that much."

Tan Zaozao had been young back then, and completely without fear of death. She’d thought she would always be that way, until one day, she went on a talk show. When Tan Zaozao walked out of her dressing room, she discovered that the corridor that ought to have led to the soundstage had turned into twelve metal doors. Every single door looked exactly the same, emanating an icy chill.

Seeing such a thing, the smile on Tan Zaozao's face went stiff. Her first reaction was to wonder if this was a prank organized by production, and so she forced down the unsettled feeling in her chest. She kept it up until…she pulled open one of the doors.

When the door opened, she appeared in an unfamiliar location. All around her was a desolate graveyard, and before her loomed a dark and enormous castle.

Tan Zaozao followed the path slowly forward. In the clearing in front of the ancient castle, she spotted several people standing together, discussing something in whispers. All their faces were strange to her, and when they saw her, they just tossed over momentary gazes before looking away again.

"Excuse me, where are we?" Tan Zaozao asked.

Nobody answered her question.

"Is this for a show?" An onslaught of bad feeling was crashing over Tan Zaozao's chest, and she asked this question with great caution. Only, somebody in the crowd took on a mocking expression.

"For a show? You've seen such a realistic show before?"

Tan Zaozao went silent.

Though she held onto a thread of hope, wishing this were a hyperrealistic prank show, that hope was ruthlessly dashed when she saw the first person die. That person's death was miserable—they were covered from wounds from head to toe, and all of their blood had been sucked out. They could not have been more dead.

Tan Zaozao stared at that corpse, frozen where she stood. That was the first time she became truly conscious of the fact that this wasn't a prank, nor was it some sort of realistic game. Here, death was a very real possibility.

Tan Zaozao's first door wasn't too difficult, relatively speaking. She was pretty lucky, and came out alive. When she returned to the real world, she almost immediately had an emotional breakdown, terrifying the assistant beside her.

"Zaozao, are you alright?" the assistant asked in worry.

"Where were you?!" Tan Zaozao said angrily. "Why didn't you help me?"

The assistant looked back at her blankly.

"What do you mean…where? Haven't you been sitting here the whole time?"

Tan Zaozao startled, saying, "I've been sitting here the whole time?"

"Yeah," the assistant answered. "You've been just sitting here, spacing out…"

Tan Zaozao went silent, and faintly came to understand something. But before she could figure it all out, the assistant was rushing her onto the stage. The interview was starting.

Onstage, Tan Zaozao was inattentive, answering the host's questions on and off and absently. The host saw that something was off, and just as he was rearing to ask, there came a terrified yell from offstage. Before the host even had time to react, there was the sound of shattering glass above his head. He looked up, and saw a black shadow plummeting toward him.

Tan Zaozao had been sitting right next to the host. She got a close-up view of that giant hanging light plunging heavily from above and smashing to the ground before her very eyes.

The host, who had just been laughing and chatting with her, became a dismembered corpse in the matter of a moment. Tan Zaozao stood there blankly, looking as if in a trance.

For Tan Zaozao to have survived this accident was practically a miracle. Lord knows she'd been sitting right next to the talk show host. The heavy lighting equipment had practically grazed her as it fell, but didn't leave a single scratch on her.

This incident that gave Tan Zaozao severe shock, and she was forced to take a break for a while.

And during this break, she finally figured out what that door was.

It was torment, and also rebirth.

Without the doors, she would already be dead. But with the doors, she still might not survive.

Through a friend, Tan Zaozao met Ruan Nanzhu, and also learned there was a whole group of people selected by the doors.

"Do you want to simply cross the doors or train in the doors?" Ruan Nanzhu asked Tan Zaozao.

Tan Zaozao, "is there a difference…"

Ruan Nanzhu, "the difference is, the first one, you don't have to think about anything, you only have to follow me. The other, you have to rely on yourself."

Tan Zaozao's answer was decisive: "I choose the first one."

"But Obsidian doesn't take doors after the fifth," Ruan Nanzhu said. "If you choose the first option, maybe you'll have an easier time surviving in the beginning, but there's no guarantee for later."

Tan Zaozao's smile was forced.

"But I really am scared."

Ruan Nanzhu went quiet. It was his agreement to Tan Zaozao's request.

Tan Zaozao really was just a normal girl. She was scared of the dark and scared of ghosts. Out of the people in Obsidian, the one she was most like was Cheng Qianli. But this likeness also meant that neither of them were suited to the doors.

Tan Zaozao made her decision. She knew her own ending, and had her doubts in the middle. But in the end, she never changed her mind.

After the fifth door, Obsidian didn't take on gigs anymore. And Tan Zaozao's journey had come to an end.

"Zaozao, how about I take you in." Lin Qiushi was a good guy. There was worry for Tan Zaozao in his eyes, but Tan Zaozao turned him down with a smile.

Deep inside her heart, she'd once worked up a bit of jealousy toward Lin Qiushi—she'd been jealous of Ruan Nanzhu's preferential treatment toward him. But after the jealousy faded, Tan Zaozao discovered that she actually understood Ruan Nanzhu very well. Lin Qiushi was so utterly lovely—he was clever, and brave, and kind, just like a glittering gemstone. Anybody would be attracted to those qualities of his. Not only Ruan Nanzhu, herself included.

If she were Ruan Nanzhu, she would probably make the same decision.

Tan Zaozao thought, melancholic: who wouldn't want a strong and brave companion?

In the end she chose another organization. That org promised her that they would bring her out of her sixth door, but they failed.

This was also within Tan Zaozao's expectations. The only thing that wasn't part of the plan was dying on her most beloved stage.

It was honestly a kindness she'd asked for. She'd wanted to die quietly, but found that she couldn't do it. In the terrifying world of the doors, a pair of hands dragged her into an endless black. And when she came out from the door, the extravagant stage was before her eyes. Beneath the stage were blinding lights, and in her ears were the shutter clicks of cameras. The audience was seeing everything, and all of it was being recorded.

When she knew death was descending, Tan Zaozao couldn't help a scream of misery—she regretted it now. She didn't want to die yet. There was still so much she wanted to do.

This wasn't fair…

But it was all too late.

Her final path had already been determined by her decision way back at the beginning.

Above her head came once more that familiar sound of shattering glass. Tan Zaozao looked up and saw the bright lights, as well as the countless shards of glass plummeting toward her. That chandelier was like a crown, crashing heavily atop her body. It broke her to pieces.

Before the darkness fell, Tan Zaozao heard panicked shouts from the people offstage. She even saw some frantic faces. As Tan Zaozao lied on the floor, a faint smile came to her lips. She felt the darkness encroach on her vision, and the eternal silence tasted, to her surprise, a bit sweet.

She sank into a long sleep from which she would never be disturbed.

[Extra: Bai Ming and Zhang Yiqing]

[gothfairyfrog]

Treble-Boned

word count: 6k

comments: alr this is my first time writing a ff so plz bare w me LOLLL. enjoy 💀🫶

Me and the other Bellas were all waiting backstage to perform. We were all thrilled to have finally made it to the finals and be able to perform at The Lincoln Center. At that time it was 2011 and the Treblemakers were near the end of their song.

Multiple times I had noticed Bumper, their lead singer, making eye contact with me on the more sexual lyrics. It was odd but I brushed it off not thinking too much of it. Even if he did mean it in such a way, I could never give in. I was a Barden Bella! No matter how much any of us wanted to, we could never hook up with a Treblemaker or we were booted from the group.

“Finally they’re finished! Ugh!” Aubrey exclamed. She was right hand to our lead, Alice. Everyone was pretty sure she was going to take the reins after Alice graduated.

The Treblemakers were walking offstage giving us a nasty look. “You guys are going to do awesome…”. Bumper being nice? No shot. “…ly horrible! I hate you! Kill yourself! Girl power! Sisters before misters!” Aaaand there it was. Nobody could exactly tell why the Bellas and Treblemakers had such a deep rivalry, but after all these years both groups despised eachother.

As I’m walking on stage trying to find my position, I can see Chloe trying to calm down Aubrey. I wasn’t sure why since Aubrey was never nervous for anything. Not shortly after we started, she threw up all over the first 5 rows. That’s it. We had lost all respect from absolutely anyone. Loosing the finals due to a stomach bug sucks but its even worse when Bumper and his friends gloat their win. “Clean up in aisle 5, amirite guys!” I think I understand why the Bellas always hated them now.

Even though all that was last school year, it was still the talk of the campus. Nobody took us seriously and whenever we were seen in public we got nasty stares from other peers.

Aubrey and Chloe tried to get more girls to sign up for auditions at ‘Club Fair’. Long story short, nobody blinked an eye at our booth. After about 15 minutes I decided to go take a break from running the booth to walk around only to see Bumper and his gaggle of nerds singing in the courtyard. Of couse they were singing “Let It Whip”, why wouldn’t they be!

As much as I hate them I have to admit, they’ve got some of the best vocals ive ever heard. ‘Might as well watch them’, I thought. No harm no foul, right?

Suddenly Bumper locked eyes with me. Just like during finals. Maybe it was just an odd coincidence and I was overthinking. But if it was, why couldn’t either of us break eye contact. What the hell was happening and why couldn’t I stop it?

After they finished singing, I sheepishly sped walked away. I had no idea what had just occurred and I didn’t wanna start anything. There was absolutely no way I was going to let myself fall for a Treblemaker. Specifically Bumper of all people.

“Hey! Hey, y/n! Wait up!”

No way in hell was I going to turn back and face the man who had me in eyelock.

“Y/n, I know you can hear m-“

Benji cut him off with his shrieks of excitement. Thank god for that weirdo otherwise I would’ve been caught by Chloe who was right around the corner.

“Y/n there you are! I was so concerned when you just left abruptly.”

“Oh crap, sorry Chlo. I just needed to take a quick break”

Chloe quickly took my arm and dragged me back to our booth. I was greeted with a very angry Aubrey, and at that point I knew I was going to get a lecture about ‘maintaining my aca-duties’ or some crap. She’s been on some sort of power trip since she took over the Bellas.

“Aca-scuse me but where the hell have you been!? I have had to run this booth for the past 15 minutes and I am completely taken back by your carelessness.”

“Aubrey, I’m sorry” I replied “I just needed to take a short break. Plus 15 minutes isn’t even that lo-“

“Not that long?! You need to shape up immediately if you want to stay apart of this group.” She cut me off.

She treated me and Chloe like trash. Like we were inferior to her as if she wasn’t the one who made us lose our Finals. I didn’t want to get kicked from the only thing I knew as home, so I said my apologies and continued running the booth.

I guess I missed something cause when I looked at the sign up sheet there was almost 10 names. That might not sound like a whole bunch but in acappella it was practically perfect.

—

during auditions

Audition day was possibly one of my favorite things, besides competition. Getting to hear all the potential talent is so thrilling.

“Hey Bellas, remember how you tried to play in the big leagues and choked? Let that be a lesson to everybody. Sing the same girlie stuff every year, you’ll blow chunks all over the place.” Bumper and the rest of the boys snickered

God I hated them. He talks such a big game for no reason. I chose to ignore his silly antics and pretend I never heard him but Aubrey on the other hand stood up in anger.

“My fellow aca-people. As most of you know, it is a make or break year for the Bella ladies. But make no mistake. We will not let egotistical, big-headed, garbage pricks, WHOEVER they may be, get in our way. I promise you. The Bellas will return to the ICCA’s and finish what we started last year.”

Rightfully so she called them out! Everyones jaws dropped and laughed a bit at the Treblemakers. Holy crap, she embarrassed them!

“Personally, I wouldn’t take that level of disrespect” someone called out.

“Alright let’s calm down now! First up..” Tommy began introducing the auditioners. And, uh, most of them sounded like garbage. I knew that was what most of the groups were thinking too. Hopefully, we can pick out the few girls and get them to join us.

—

after auditions

Chloe, Aubrey, and I began talking about who we should choose. After figuring out who we wanted in our group we were dismissed back to our rehearsal area. There was a lot of arguing between groups on who they wanted. Aubrey immediately took charge and planned out who we were getting.

While all of this chaos ensued, I could practically feel Bumpers eyes burning into my back. It was as if he couldn’t help but stare at us.

“Bumper? Are you even listening?” Donald said trying to regain his attention.

Even though seeing him out of the corner of my eye made me ponder, hearing Donald say that confirmed those thoughts. He was starring at me! But why? Why has he decided to be fixated on the group he hates the most? More specifically me. It was making me overthink all of our encounters completely.

‘Maybe it was nothing and he was drifting off into space’ I kept thinking to myself.

Finally, we got our girls and took them back to the gymnasium to reveal they got into THE Barden Bellas! I was so excited to meet and bond with these ladies since it was a whole new group.

Nothing but partying and singing all through the night. A chorus/theatre kids’ paradise.

—

inductions

Once back in the gymnasium had got all these gorgeous girls into our group, Aubrey had to make them say the oath.

“Promise to fulfill the duties and responsibilities of a Bella woman. Neither sickness, nor midterms, nor my lady times will prevent me from her-monizing with my sisters. And I solemnly promise never to have sexual relations with a Treblemaker or may my vocal chords be ripped out by wolves.” She recited

The new girls looked frightened by that last line but hey, at least she got the point across? As soon as we inducted the newfound Bella ladies we booked it to the party!

—

outside/party

Holy crap, there was more people than I remember. Everyone was either drinking, singing, or screaming. There was practically no in between. It was almost kind of annoying. But that didn’t get in the way of me having a good time.

I was talking to Becca and ‘Fat Amy’ about getting into the Bellas and what happens at these kinds of things. Whilst chatting I hear Chloe call me over.

“Y/n! Wanna come with me to grab drinks? This ginger needs her jiggle-juice!” Chloe giggles

“Sure! I’ll be right over” I shoot her a smile

Walking down the narrow steps I catch a glimpse of Bumper and Donald, drinks in hand, talking about god knows what. Unlike me, Fat Amy goes over to talk to them but thats not a me problem so I decided to keep walking and catch up with Chloe.

“So, can you actually believe we got girls to join the Bellas! This is so exciting oh my god!” Chloe squeals. Her energy goes up by 10 when shes drunk.

“Yea! We actually did it.” I say as I continue sipping on my drink

Chloee grabs my shoulder, cleary not sober but I’m sure she means it “I. Love. You. You are literally my best friend Y/n” Making kissy faces at me.

I hug her and tell her im going back up to sit. Probably not the best idea on my part considering he was up there. Yet I hand Chloe off to Stacie and Aubrey who take her dancing.

‘Geez, It was chilly out here.’ I thought to myself. I completely forgot to grab a jacket before leaving.

“Oh great..” I said under my breath seeing Bumper walking towards my direction.

“This seat taken?” He said with a smug face

Obviously it wasn’t so I couldn’t just say no. He would see I was clearly lying to get him to leave. I mean I did want him to leave but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Feelings?! Why would I care about his feelings, I hate him! Ugh he makes me crazy.

“Youuu.. good?” he asked

“Oh! Uh.. yea. You can sit here, I guess” I told him nervously

He totally knew what he was doing! He was doing it on purpose, no doubt about it! Right..?

“Sooo, I saw you guys got a bunch of girls to join your little tea par-“

“What do you want, Bumper.” I said cutting him off.

Did he really come over to piss me off? What a jerk! I knew I should’ve just shunned him when I had the chance. God I am an idiot.

“Im sorry. I don’t really know how to talk to you. Y’know.. being a Bella and all.”

Talk to me? Because I’m a Bella? I thought he despised Bellas. Is the universe breaking? I can’t tell if he was being genuine right now.

“Oh really?” I said slyly “Because I’m a Bella?”

“Well yea. I mean we hate you guys!” he cleared his throat “But you.. you’re just different to talk to.”

I should’ve shut this whole thing down. What if Aubrey saw me! I hadn’t even thought of that. He is ruining my life!

I stood up “Wow it sure is cold! I better go” I told him, laughing nervously trying to walk down the steps. Almost falling because of how steep they were, he catches me. Trying to hold my balance.

I gasp, accidentally grabbing him to pull myself back up.

They only thing I could think of during this moment was ‘WHAT THE HELL.’

Bumper helps me back up and sits me down. Neither of us say a word. At this point my mind has gone blank, just grateful I didnt break my tailbone falling on the concrete steps.

“Are you alright? Here” He gives me his Treblemaker varsity jacket.

“Oh, nono! Its alright!” I try to tell him so I don’t get caught with it on.

“No, I insist. You’re shivering” He reassured me.

Was this really happening?! It felt straight out of those cheesy rom-coms Chloe adored. Maybe he was just trying to get into my pants. Which was NOT happening. Well… NO! What has gotten into me!

“Thanks..” I say as our knees touch.

We were back in that stupid eyelock! I guess I never looked hard enough, but his eyes were this dark brown with sparks of a lighter brown. I could feel us getting closer and my cheeks getting brighter but immediately shut it down. Only because I could see Aubrey in the corner of my eye coming this way.

“I have a feeling that we should.. kiss. Now, is that a… good feeling or..?” He said clearly tipsy.

There was no way he would say that sober. Aubrey was heading this way quickly, I had to shoot him down fast.

“Y’know, sometimes I think I can do crystal meth and then I think.. hmm better not.”

I had to make my leave now before I got caught.

“I gotta go. You know how Aubrey is. Thank you, again, for the catching.. and the jacket..” I say awkwardly, getting up

He shoots me a smirk “Of course”

Drink in hand, I go the opposite direction of where Aubrey was. Trying to get back to the center was harder than I thought, especially actively hiding from your friend.

Finally I get down there without being caught by Aubrey, or any of the Bellas for that matter. Such a fun night.

—

day after

Time to get to work and start getting a plan together to win nationals. Except Aubrey already had a whole whiteboard dedicated to what we were going to do to win the finals. Sheesh, she was putting a lot of pressure on these newbies.

“As you can see, Kori is not here. Last night, she was Treble-boned. She’s been dis-invited from the Bellas.” Aubrey said firmly.

“Woah that oath was serious?” Becca raised.

“Dixie-Chick serious.” shooting back at Becca.

‘What a good way to scare our new girls’ I said softly under my breath.

After a few more stern comments about hooking up with a Treble and even kicking out another girl for it, she showed us how to get the ‘aca-win’.

^rehearsal/cardio montage^

Aubrey pulls me off to the side before we left rehearsals. I completely forgotten I still had Bumpers jacket on!

“What does the ‘T’ on your jacket stand for, Y/n?” Aubrey asked in a knowning tone of voice

Crap! She definitely knew. This was it, this was the day I was getting booted from the Bellas. I knew I had to think of an answer just in case she didn’t know.

“Oh! It’s for ‘Taylor’!” I stated trying to play it off. “As in Taylor Swift. Why do you ask?”

“No reason..” She trailed off and ended with a smile.

‘God that was a close one’ I thought to myself. I need to give this jacket back before anything else happens..

—

riff off

Tommy announces it was ‘riff-off time’. My personal favorite of the night! After teaching the new Bellas how these work we were ready.

With my whole situation, I was beyond nervous to even look at any of the Treblemakers. It wasn’t their fault I was squeamish, but I still didnt wanna see them. It didn’t help Bumper winked at me before Tommy gave us our categories.

“Ladies of the 80s!” He shouted and the groups took it from there.

^riff-off^

Of course Tommy screws us over and lets the Trebles win. Why wouldn’t he?!

Now they think they have an advantage over us and begin to gloat.

“OHHHHH you ladies just got owned!” They all yelled.

I shake it off and the rest of the Bellas walk away in disbelief. Me on the other hand was fixated on Bumper who was walking right towards me, trophy in hand.

“You did good” he smirks “But we are just sooo much better than you girls” he jokingly brags.

I wanted to smack the grin off his face so bad. But instead I shot him a sarcastic smile and walked away.

—

regionals

After a few more months pass and we hope all our practicing pays off. The only thing Aubrey cared about was showing up the Treblemakers.

The ‘Sock-apellas’ had finished their set and it was time for us to get on stage. While walking onto stage I could hear the Treblemakers boo-ing us. It also didn’t help that the crowd was not as excited as I had hoped they’d be. No worries, no pressure though. Right? We can’t do any worse than people using socks to sing.

^after our set^

Of course people fell silent during our set for the millionth time. If it wasn’t for Fat Amy, the crowd would’ve been dead asleep. So howcome Aubrey was already yelling at her? Shes was such a perfectionist.

Luckily, we got second and could move on from regionals! Everyone in our group was celebrating except for Aubrey. She was more relieved to even had made it.

—

day of semi-finals

After a month of two of rehearsals, it was finally semi-finals time! I was so excited.

Before leaving, Fat Amy stopped to get gas. It was a long trip ahead of us so it was a good time to stop.

Little did any of us know, the Treblemakers were not far behind after we stopped.

“IVE JUST BEEN SHOT” Fat Amy yelled.

Immediately I ran out to see what had happened. She told us Bumper and Donald had threw their burritos at her for ‘sabotage’.

Great! Theyre trying to ruin our chances even more. I help Fat Amy get back in the bus and we keep on trucking through to get to Semi-Finals.

—

back on the bus

Everyone sings, “So I put my hands up! They’re playin’ my song and the butterflies fly awayy.”

Suddenly the bus broke down. Oh god this could not be good.

“We could call-“

“DON’T say it.” Aubrey says, cutting off Chloe.

“No, that’s actually a good idea! I have Bumpers number. I’ll call him now” I told them.

“Why do you have Bumpers number?” Aubrey shot me a look.

“Uhhh..” I kept thinking ‘Crap. Just ignore her and call Bumper to save us.’

—

in treblemaker bus

“Well this is fun..” Fat Amy said sarcastically.

I was next to Bumper, of course, and we all sat in silence.

Geez, this was awkward. It didn’t help that Bumper was practically invadeding my space. Our legs were pressed against eachother, arms toppled on top of themselves, and if i even turned my head to look at him we would be nose to nose.

This made my heart race. But obviously I couldn’t give into my urges, not with Aubrey continuously looking at me weird.

“9 miles till we’re there” Donald shouted from the driver seat.

I cannot believe we all sat in silence for the whole bus ride.

—

semi-finals

Getting off the bus, we got back into our groups and went inside. Me and Bumper were in the back of the line, together.

“Soo.. what girl power fueled set do you ladies have for us this evening” He asked in a snarky tone.

“Wow!” I exclaimed “You must really not want me to keep talking to you, huh” giving him a condescending smile.

He laughed it off. Gosh, he was too cute to hate. I mean yes, I hated him for being a jerk and a Treblemaker but you had to admit he had some sort of sex-appeal.

“Good luck tonight. I mean it” he looks down and tries to hide his bright red face. Jesse calls him over to stage right to prepare to get on stage. Chloe calls me over aswell.

Once on stage, we started singing the same song that gets the crowd yawning. Out of absolutely nowhere though, Becca starts mashing ‘Bulletproof’ into the set.

It took everyone by shock but definitely got the attention of the judges! Thank god Becca took such a risk. Maybe she should’ve asked before hand but nonetheless the audience was loving it.

Almost immediately we went backstage, Aubrey started yelling at Becca for her little stunt. I decided I was not going to be apart of this drama and went to go sit somewhere backstage.

—

spring break

After Semi-Finals, Aubrey basically kicked Becca from the group. Not fair whatsoever but it wasn’t like my opinion even mattered to her. Aubrey wouldn’t listen to any of us after we lost her championship.

With the Bellas being done for, I decided to take this time to do.. uh.

Crap! I completely forgot those girls were my only friends. And the only other person in my contacts was… Bumper.

Well that was enough for me. I took this as a chance to shoot my shot with him since Aubrey wasnt around to control my love life.

Texting Bumper: Hey! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out over break :)

‘Aaaand send! That wasn’t so hard, now was it!’ I told myself.

Almost immediately I got a response.

Text from Bumper: Yea sure. I’d love to

I couldn’t believe this! I was actually going to hang out with Bumper one on one. And I didn’t even have to worry about Aubrey coming to yell at me! Maybe the Bellas taking a break wasn’t so bad.

—

FINALLY BRO

I see Bumper in the distance walking over to me. I’m still in shock he wanted to go on this date with me, considering he’s still doing Treble stuff.

“Hey!” He smiles “I see you still have my jacket” he teased.

I completely forgot this was his jacket! I started taking it off to give back to him and he stopped me.

“Nono! It looks good on you. You can keep it, I don’t mind” looking at me in awe.

“Anyway! Are you ready to go on possibly the best date of your life?” He gloated.

“So confident!” I tease him.

We walk hand in hand into the park and set up our picnic. This was kinda romantic actually! I’ve known Bumper for about 2, almost 3 years now and I never saw a good side to him. There’s always been some rivalry between us due to the groups own rivalry.

Even during last years run with the Bellas, I was attracted to him. But the hatred definitely took over. Hes never been the nicest but I feel as if it was all an act to show dominance. Aubrey and Alice did the same so I can’t exactly call him out for it. Jeez there’s so much history.

“Here we go!” He said as he finished setting up the picnic.

We talked about nonsense, teased eachother a bit, talked about how we found our way into acapella. Y’Know, normal date stuff.

“I don’t know why we never talked to eachother before this year! You’re so funny” I told him, with a giant smile on my face. I could feel my cheeks burning up.

“I know why.” “Hm?” “The whole rivalry bullcrap! It’s so dumb, I don’t know why both groups keep giving into it. I know i dont help but it’s always been some unspoken argument” Bumper said with some anger in his voice.

“I know, it’s not fun. Especially when Aubrey gets on my back when I talk to any other group.” I told him slightly getting upset aswell.

There was a pause. A good minute of neither of us saying a word. We were too sour to say anything. We knew we agreed but didn’t want to talk about it.

“Well..” He sighed “I’m glad we’re here.. together… now” grabbing my hand.

I looked down to hide my smile, eventually facing back up to see him smiling back at me.

I was head over heels for him at this point. Even though I was upset we lost championship, I was so happy I could finally spend time with Bumper.

Before we decided to pack everything up and part ways, he asked me if I wanted to watch the sunset with him. I turned bright pink just at that question. Obviously say yes, he put his arm over my shoulder bringing me in close.

All I could think was ‘This was it! This was the moment I had been waiting for! He was going to do it!’

While watching the sun go down, I could see Bumper looking at me from the corner of my eye.

Turning to look at him I asked “Why aren’t you watching the sunset?”

He replied “I’d rather take in something even more beautiful” shooting me a smile.

My heart practically fluttered as I immediately leaned into him. I can’t believe this is happening! I was kissing a Treblemaker! This went against almost everything I was taught by Alice and Aubrey but in that moment, I couldn’t care less. I was in love with Bumper.

We both pull back and take a short breath. You could tell he was also in awe of what just happened. Nonetheless I went back in for another kiss. Except this kiss turned into a tiny make out session.

“Wait.. hold on” he paused with heavy breathing “Would you rather go somewhere that isn’t a public park?”

Still panting “Yea that’s probably a good idea” I giggled.

He cleaned up everything and drove me back to my dorm. Shortly after we arrived, he walked me back to my room. Of course I invited him in, I mean why wouldn’t I?! All I wanted was to make sure we finished what we started out in that park.

IM NOT GOOD AT WRITING SMUT SO IM GONNA END THIS SCENE HERE LOLLLL

I woke up the next morning, completely forgetting what had happened last night.

‘Oh my god’ I accidentally murmured.

He was still in my bed! I was stuck in this state of shock. I did the right thing and got dressed in a big t-shirt and a pair of short-shorts, looking back at him sound asleep in my cheap bed.

After a short period, he finally woke up. I was reading a coffee table magazine while I waited for him. The way he looked at me gave me butterflies.

He yawned “Mmm… Good morning beautiful” looking up at me, smiling.

‘God his morning voice is attractive’ I thought to myself.

“Oh hello!” sending him a smile back. I put down my magazine and got into a more comfortable position.

He then latched onto me, still tired. God, he was so cute.

“I don’t wanna leave” he murmured into my chest.

“Well, we could sleep in?” I suggested while playing with his hair.

I scooted down to make it easier for him to cuddle me. We laid in my bed for a good couple of hours. I knew eventually I had to let him leave.

He felt me moving to get up and slowly awakened.

“I better start getting ready to head out. I have to go do boring acapella rehearsal stuff.” he told me.

“God you’re so lucky. I would do anything to be with the Bellas again.” I sighed, helping him retrieve his stuff.

He walked out my dorm room but before leaving he turned back, almost nervously.

“I was because I was thinking that maybe, perhaps” he takes a breath. “this is harder than I thought it was gonna be” he sighed.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I wanna date you. That's what I want. Like, a real couple. Where we, like, go out in public and hold hands and ride bikes together. Or we go to an orchid and pick apples. Or we, like, do one of those Build-A-Bear workshops together, and build bears. And you'd name one Bumper, and I'll name one Y/n. It’ll be cute.”

Oh. My. God. I couldn’t even say anything. I was too stunned. Not in bad way! I’ve just never been asked anything so.. romantic. He has swept me off my feet completely.

“What do you say?” He asked me in a softer tone.

The only words I could get out were “Yes. Yes please, oh my god.”

I saw his cheeks turn a light red before acknowledging that we were finally together.

“I guess I’ll see you soon, then” he teased.

I pulled him in for one last kiss before sending him back to the Treblemakers ‘HQ’.

—

coming back + fighting

It was a day before spring break would officially end. I was getting ready to finish up the rest of my studies when suddenly I got a call Chloe.

“Y/N! The aca-gods have blessed up! We get to compete in the finals!” She told me ecstatically.

My jaw dropped and I joined her squealing immediately. We were back baby!

Soon enough I got to hang out with my girls and talk about gameplan. Realizing quickly that Becca wasnt here.

“I didn’t invite Becca. She doesn’t make us any better” Aubrey said in a smug voice.

Chloe and Becca were incredibly close so it was no wonder Chloe got upset at Aubrey so quickly.

They were yelling back and forth and caused a huge scene that got everyone in a very uncomfortable mood.

Fat Amy came to break the tension and told them to stop and shut up.

I accidentally shouted “Finally! Someone said it!” and Aubrey almost went to come fight me. The only reason she didn’t was because the stomach bug came back.

She stopped in her tracks and threw up just like she did at last years finals.

Perfect! We come back and almost immediately started fighting with eachother. I decided to get up and walk out.

To my surprise, I walked right into Becca. I thought maybe she would help calm down the argument, so I walked back to my seat to watch it all play out.

As soon as she walked in it went dead silent. Almost scary how quiet it got.

Becca stood there fiddling with her fingers “I came back to apologize messing up our chances and leaving. I would be grateful if you could have me back?”

Aubrey just looked at her in silence. Was she really going to let go of the only person who knows how we can win? Was she that much a power hungry freak?

Without anybody saying a word Becca picked up a chair and dragged it to the exit. After a few seconds, Aubrey yelled for Becca to stop.

“Thank you. That would’ve been so embarrassing.” She laughed nervously.

After Becca and Aubrey talked it out, Becca said none of really knew anything about eachother.

“Let’s go around the room. Everyone say something about yourself that no one knows.” She told us.

Everybody started spilling their secrets, and it was then my turn. I didn’t have any secrets, except for the fact I was Treble-Boned. But I wasn’t going to admit that, I could be shunned.

“Well..?” Chloe said trying to get my attention.

I took a deep breath. “I… I started dating Bumper.” I couldn’t help but look down in shame. I didn’t want to tell them but I felt as if they deserved to know.

Nobody said anything, which made this whole thing even scarier for me. I was waiting for Aubrey to scold me but she never did.

“Oh.. well..! I’m glad you’re happy!” Chloe said giving me a soft smiling. She was my best friend so she could definitely tell I was embarrassed admitting that.

Aubrey looked disappointed but then again, she always does. Why should I even care about her opinion? It wasn’t like she was going to be around after this year.

After a short moment of silence, Aubrey gave the pitch pipe to Becca.

“How are we doing this?” Aubrey said almost desperate for her to take the lead.

“Follow me” Becca said then leading us to the abandoned pool.

^pool mashup^

—

call from bumper

It was the day of finals and I was so excited to see the Treblemakers set and not want to punch them.

While getting ready, Bumper called me. Maybe he was calling to tell me good luck. How sweet of him.

“Hey! What’s up Bumper?”

“Hey..” He said in a low tone.

“What’s wrong?”

At this point, I was kinda worried. Why did he sound so disappointed? What was going on.

“So.. I got a call from THE John Mayor, asking to be backup vocals on his new album. Which means I won’t be at finals tonight” Bumper told me slowly.

“Oh.. That’s! Uhm.. That’s great, love. I’m sooo.. happy for you!” I tried to show excitement for him but I just couldn’t.

The one time I wanted him to see our set, he couldn’t be there. I was glad he was making it big time but it still hurt.

“Yea! I’m sorry though. I’m sure you’ll do great tonight. I’ve won that stuff a million times so I’m rooting for the Bellas” He said in a more uplifting tone.

“Thanks. I gotta go get ready to leave. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He could tell I was disappointed. It was obvious. “Alright! Uh.. Love you! Good luck.”

I could practically hear him smiling. He meant it, but I just wish he would’ve told me in person. It doesn’t matter anyway.

I continued getting ready and tried to brush off the news. We going to win whether Bumper saw it or not.

—

finals

Once we got down this whole mashup thing Becca taught us, we knew we were ready to finally win the finals.

She should’ve taken charge a long time ago! Im glad Aubrey loosened the reins though. It was a lot less stressful with her not being in charge.

__

backstage + onstage

The Treblemakers were about to go onstage and I could only think about Bumper. He was probably living it up in LA not even thinking about me.

Crap, he might leave me for some hot super model! Who knows what he could be doing right now. Thinking about it only made me sad.

“Good luck Benji! Same to you Jesse!” I told the boys. I decided since things were changing, I would also end the whole rivalry crap.

While I was watching the boys perform, Chloe hugged me from behind.

“We are going to do awsome! C’mon we’re about to do hands in the middle!” She was beyond excited for this.

“I know some you are pretty thin, but you all have fat hearts. And thats what matters” Fat Amy said before we went on stage.

It was finally time. ‘My god, it’s packed’ is the only thing I could think.

While getting into position, I scanned the crowd. ‘Wait.. Is that..?’ My heart dropped.

I couldn’t believe it. Bumper?! No way. He actually came to watch me perform! But wasn’t he supposed to leave for LA tonight?!

My heart was racing. He postponed his flight to come see us win. He cared about me that much that he would risk losing his one shot at fame to see me happy. I could feel my face start burning up. I loved him so much.

^singing blah blah blah^

Holy crap! A standing ovation! We had this win, no doubt. As soon as our set had ended and the crowd sat back down, I knew exactly where I was going.

Running off stage, I practically jumped into Bumpers arms. Hugging him tightly, I started tearing up.

We had just won the championship and I have an amazing boyfriend?! I couldn’t believe my life.

“Congrats, sweetheart!” He slyly smirked at me, knowing he surprised me.

I couldn’t get myself to let go of him. I was too happy to realize I still needed to ask him why the hell he was even here!

I pull back, putting my hands on his shoulders. “Wait! What..! How..? Why are you here?!”

My confused look made him laugh. “I knew how upset you were when I told you the news. I couldn’t bring myself to just leave without saying goodbye in person.”

“God, you’re such a dork, I love you” I told him, pulling him in for a kiss.

He was perfect. I wasn’t even upset he had to leave for LA for a month or two. I knew he wouldn’t cheat on me for anybody while being in a big city.

He was mine. He loved me, nobody could change that.

—

end

Six months later, and we’re back in the audition room. Wanting to flaunt our trophy on the Treblemakers, we placed it on our table. Everybody in that room knew not to underestimate us.

“Listen up aca-ballers” Tommy said, starting the auditions “As a tribute to our most recent ICCA national champions, their team leaders will pick the audition song. Bellas?”

I take the lead, “Let’s go with…”

fin.

[butchhamlet]

OKAY SO I GOT TO SEE SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK ANDRE DE SHIELDS KING LEAR YESTERDAY AND IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING SO HERE’S A POST ABOUT THAT

first off here’s the shitty picture i took of the set! the entire thing was set in “a north african nation” (words theirs; in quotes because i don’t want to seem like they named a real one and i just didn’t bother to remember askdfhdskhfds) & the entire cast was people of color! i am staring at this picture thinking about how blurry it is but trust me that it was SO fucking cool... it was visibly gorgeous but also visibly crumbling which. like. foams at the mouth about the symbolism yknow

ALSO the winged thing is the throne! during intermission (which was after 3.6), some crew members took the wings off and laid them down at the back of the set like the whole thing had come apart, and when edmund entered in 5.1 he had a moment of staring out at the audience with his foot up on the top wing

the entire production went hard on drums; there was a note in the program about how the director wanted to center the african setting & also the rhythm; the trumpet herald at the end was replaced by drumming, and during the storm scenes, the drums represented the thunder! (complete with flashing lights for lightning; it was cool as fuck)

& now i’m gonna describe my beat-by-beat staging notes that i scribbled down from where i was sitting in the grass. no attempts to make this coherent bc the show was so fucking good and i just feel insane <3

 edmund came out in literal jade-colored glasses which felt like a WONDERFUL character bit

everyone in this cast was so well cast btw and not to be a lesbian but like. the lear sisters. 😳

they cut the cordelia asides in 1.1, which made it slightly harder to get a read on her but also made it slightly more startling when she said “nothing, my lord” (goneril and regan both got up to take a literal microphone from lear, while cordelia didn��t take it when he held it out and literally turned away to face the audience instead)

there were three little stools laid out for each sister to sit on & lear was so infuriated by what cordelia said that he started throwing them around (not at her but close)

and lear never looked particularly Legitimately Threatening (he looked very small, actually; idk how tall andre de shields is lmfao but he definitely looked like an old man), but cordelia flinched near-instinctively when he threw the stools, like this wasn’t the first time

WHEN LEAR LEFT NEAR THE END OF 1.1 GONERIL GOT UP AND SAT IN THE THRONE WHERE HE’D BEEN SITTING AND STAYED THERE WHILE SEEING CORDELIA OFF

she was also the only lear sister in a pantsuit 😳

on that note they were color-coded! goneril was dressed all in purple, regan was orange, and cordelia was pink; all of their households followed this (eg cornwall was orange, oswald was purple), but when cordelia came back in act four, it was in soldiers’ clothes without any pink on her

andre de shields lear was fucking incredible and is anyone surprised about that like he was so good

he did SO much yelling. man has some lungs on him. not even yelling words all the time but a lot of just flat-out yelling (which was alternately funny and distressing depending on the moment)

like in 1.4 he stumbled back in to deliver “50 of my followers at a clap?” heralded by his own flat-out scream which made everyone laugh a little. grandpappy off the shits

EDGAR CAME IN ON A SKATEBOARD WITH HEADPHONES ON AND WHEN HE STOPPED AND LIFTED UP HIS SKATEBOARD SHAKESPEARE’S FACE WAS ON THE BOTTOM

this edgar was so fucking perfect btw like. everything about him. i think he was my favorite part of the show

lear and his knights busted in playing loud music, waving guns, and drinking from beer cans (white claw? idk what it was i’m a weenie). lear was wearing the brightest orange shirt ive ever seen. kent received entry to the group by busting some sick moves to the music despite being an oldass man

the fool was SO fucking funny he interacted w the audience constantly and the entire time (even during the storm scene) he was lugging around a suitcase and a little folding stool

after “have more than thou showest” the audience started clapping and he looked at us and said “not yet”

and then proceeded to deliver the sweet and bitter fool speech as a full-on rap with the audience clapping the beats in after each line

at the end of which he said to us “good job! give yourselves a hand. the king’s mad at y’all now though” and then he turned around and lear had his gun aimed at him and AUDIBLY clicked the safety off and there was a tense second where the fool had to talk him down

GONERIL SLAPPED LEAR AFTER THE BARRENNESS CURSE

1.5 hurt because the fool was VERY clearly trying his best to cheer lear up, like, he kept glancing around for ideas and trying to joke while lear sat pathetically on his folding stool

the stage was outdoors (duh) and there were ramps on either side for the actors to come on and off into the crowd, and when edgar ran off, he sprinted down the ramp, then turned, sprinted BACK, hugged edmund HARD, and then ran off again and around the back of the stage

this was after edmund FULLY punched him in the face on “pardon me” :(

at the end of 2.1 edmund was the last one to file off stage and he turned and gave the audience the cheekiest shrug

edgar tripped and ate shit while he was absolutely tearing around the side of the stage for 2.3 and idk if it was on purpose but it felt in character AKHSDFKHDSSFH

he delivered “poor turlygod! poor tom!” like he was acting, and then looked up and went “that’s something” kind of like he’d just realized

the fool delivered his merlin speech like he was making it up on the fucking spot. “and then the realm of albion...” [PAUSE.] “will come... to great... con-fu-si-on” emphasizing the non-rhyme. same with the non-rhyme of “see’t” / “fee-eet.” then he looked at us and said, “i didn’t write it. ask the author” and scrambled offstage

in 3.3 gloucester hugged edmund! ...and edmund picked his pocket for his key

“nay, he reserved some white flowers in the crook of his elbow, half a pair of pants, and a nasty ratty baseball cap, else we’d all been shamed” (im filling in the wording i forgot but that’s near verbatim and i cackled out loud)

(he was, indeed, wearing nothing but some white flowers, a ragged pair of pants, and a nasty ratty baseball cap. and a lot of dirt/paint)

when gloucester entered during the hovel scene edgar was skittering across the floor and looked up and the whole set paused as they made EXTENDED eye contact and it hurt INTENSELY

and then edgar snatched gloucester’s flashlight and hurried to the opposite end of the stage to focus entirely and intently on warming his hands over it like a fire and he did not look in gloucester’s direction at all but he got VERY still when gloucester mentioned him

i made an AUDIBLE noise when lear stabbed the fool. like. i knew it was a possible staging but it happened so fast and so viciously that it caught me totally off guard

and edgar got the “i’ll go to bed at noon” line :(

genuinely it is hard to emphasize how perfect this edgar was. how do i kin a character but just one specific version of that character that i saw one time

(intermission happened here!)

while interrogating gloucester, cornwall was very deliberately putting on medical gloves and then he picked up a power drill and my friend and i in the audience looked at each other exactly like the fucking monkey puppet image

however. only one eye went out with the power drill. because regan took the other one out WITH HER NAILS in a fit of rage when her husband was injured. full on stuck her hand into his eye socket

goneril and edmund kissed for a LONG long moment in 4.2. long enough that oswald coughed pointedly. which did not stop or affect them

gloucester tried to pay edgar and edgar immediately turned around and chucked the payment off stage

gloucester used a cane the whole show and he dropped it off the “cliff” before he fell, and edgar swooped down and silently caught it and held it for a moment before he let it clatter to the floor

at this point he was also wearing leggings and like. three mismatched layers of flannels and jackets

lear came out in act four in a tropical dress, white face/chest paint, and a flower/fruit hat

he threw money into the crowd multiple times during his speech, including one point where he specifically leaned over the edge of the stage, motioned at the closest audience member, said, “come here,” and then threw money at them

he also mooned the guards who came to get him

and nearly hugged someone in the crowd while the guards tried to drag his half-tranquilized body away

oswald was so fucking funny for the entire play. so funny. in 1.4 he came in with goneril and pointed at lear with the air of a small child tattling to the teacher; when kent attacked him he fell on the ground whimpering;  he came in to kill gloucester a moment before lear left and ducked back into the wings FAST before creeping out again

when the guards brought lear and cordelia in, someone set out the fool’s little folding chair, and cordelia ended up sitting on it during lear’s speech :( felt very my-poor-fool-is-hanged y’know

curan from 2.1 was the captain in 5.1! so he & edmund already had a bit of a relationship established

REGAN THREW HER WINE IN GONERIL’S FACE WHILE THEY FOUGHT OVER EDMUND

edgar and edmund dueled with two swords each

AND WHEN HE WAS INJURED AND ALBANY CALLED THEM BOTH OUT. GONERIL TOOK EDMUND’S SWORD AND WENT AT ALBANY WITH IT AND NEARLY GOT HIM BEFORE RUNNING OFFSTAGE

they cut “yet edmund is beloved” which is always a cardinal sin HOWEVER when he got the news about regan and goneril edmund stabbed himself which. pain and suffering!

much like albany himself, i literally forgot about lear and cordelia because i was so enthralled by gloucester brothers duel like. i was so caught up in the agony of edgar killing edmund that i forgot the other fucking bomb that had to drop and it was like getting bricked in the face

my last note literally reads “cannot believe i forgot abt the other bomb to drop jesus christ i hate this shit ass bitch ass play it really just fucking ends like that huh fuck off”

it was the first time i’ve ever seen live shakespearean theater and it literally could not have been better and i am terminally insane now.

[goodticklebrain]

POCKET BLOGS: Saye Anything

Hey everyone! Mya here. I’m really excited today to introduce a new feature here on Good Tickle Brain: POCKET BLOGS! As regular readers will know, since 2019 I have been working on my comics with the world’s first, foremost, and possibly only pocket dramaturg, Kate Pitt. (For more on Kate, including the etymology of the term “pocket dramaturg”, check out this Q&A with her.)

Kate is, if anything, an even bigger Shakespeare geek than me, and certainly has a bigger Shakespeare brain. I will often text her a random Shakespeare fact and say “Isn’t this cool?”, only to receive back “YES, and…” followed by a dozen more related facts, complete with footnotes. As I am taking the month off, I thought it only fair to share some of her delightful geekery and expertise with all of you.

So sit back and get ready to peer into some of the most geeky, random, and entertaining corners of the Shakespeare-verse with Good Tickle Brain’s new series of POCKET BLOGS!

Spare a thought for poor Lord Saye. The ill-fated lord’s entrance in Henry VI Part II is often overlooked because he arrives at the same time as Queen Margaret. Margaret makes consistently dramatic entrances across the four Shakespeare plays she appears in and there is an excellent chance that someone is about to be stabbed, slapped, or screamed at if she is nearby. 

In this scene, Margaret enters carrying the severed head of her very dead ex-lover the Duke of Suffolk, and talks affectionately to it while her husband King Henry desperately tries to work out how to put down a major rebellion. 

Saye is in the middle of all this and spends most of his first scene (and he’s only got two) standing around awkwardly while the King and Queen talk to everyone who isn’t him. It can’t feel great to be ignored in favor of someone who is missing his trunk and all of his limbs, and when King Henry finally turns towards Saye it is to point out that the advancing rebels would very much like to turn his head into a tote bag just like Suffolk’s.

Cue the awkward laughter and a messenger running in with the news that the rebels have arrived and everyone present who still has their heels should immediately betake themselves to them and get out of town. King Henry reminds Lord Saye that everyone hates him (because he raised taxes and can speak French) and he should probably join the bravely-running-away royals. 

Lord Saye however, declares that he will stay and face the rebels. He is innocent after all. Why should he flee when he has done nothing wrong? At this point, practiced Shakespearean audiences will be reaching for the popcorn. Declaring innocence never ever (ever) works when attempting to avoid unpleasant consequences in Shakespeare and indeed, Lord Saye is captured less than forty lines later and dragged before the rebels to be interrogated. 

Jack Cade, the leader of the rebellion, accuses Saye of such abominable crimes as printing, teaching grammar to children, and dressing his horse in excessively fancy horse-clothes. Saye is definitely not guilty of the first indictment, as this scene takes place in 1450 and the first books in England weren’t printed until at least twenty-five years later.

Regardless, the rebels continue to hurl increasingly ridiculous accusations at Lord Saye – “thou hast men about thee that usually talk of a noun and a verb” – while he confidently bats them aside by speaking Latin and quoting Caesar’s Commentaries. Not necessarily the best strategy when negotiating with angry men with pikes, but Saye also demonstrates that he can speak eloquently in plain English: 

Tell me, wherein have I offended most? Have I affected wealth or honor? Speak. Are my chests filled up with extorted gold? Is my apparel sumptuous to behold? Whom have I injured, that you seek my death? These hands are free from guiltless blood-shedding, This breast from harboring foul deceitful thoughts. O, let me live! 

Lord Saye’s contention that his hands are “free from guiltless blood-shedding” is equivocal, given that he menacingly indicates elsewhere that he has definitely shed some blood: “Great men have reaching hands. Oft have I struck those that I never saw, and struck them dead.” There were rumors that Saye was involved in the murder of Henry VI’s uncle Duke Humphrey, though Shakespeare depicts that death as definitely Suffolk’s fault.

In addition to being a cunning politician and a huge classics nerd, Lord Saye is also a war hero. Jack Cade contemptuously challenges him, “when struck’st thou one blow in the field?” but Saye fought with Henry V in France. He is now in his mid-fifties and past his fighting days (the rebels mock his palsy) but Lord Saye feels that his prior service to his country should save his life. 

Cade disagrees. Even though he admits, “I feel remorse in myself with his words”, he orders Saye to be dragged offstage and beheaded. The rebels also break into Saye’s son-in-law’s house and behead him too. They then put both their heads on pikes and parade around London smushing the heads together to make them look like they are kissing because the rebels are apparently twelve. 

Lord Saye is one in a long line of Shakespeare characters who appear briefly and die quickly. Cinna the Poet in Caesar, Young Seward and The Family Macduff in Macbeth, Cornwall’s servant in Lear: all of their deaths, like Saye’s, serve to make the bad guys look worse. However, Jack Cade and his crew have already murdered innocent people before Saye comes on the scene, so what does his death teach the audience that they don’t already know? Dramatically, there may be an argument for cutting this scene. Next week however, I’ll explain the extravagantly silly reasons why I am delighted by Lord Saye and think he should be in every production. (Hint: he’s related to Shakespeare!)

by Kate Pitt