#i am going to tell some support staff who aren’t therapists but i don’t want to freak them out too much either

[adamantine-ribbon]

i’m a person who needs to yap but has no one to talk to

[warwickroyals]

CHAPTER VII: REMORSE, PART ONE

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Transcript under the cut - Click for HQ photos

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know that people have been speculating about why Phillip and Courtney's marriage fell apart. Hopefully, this gives more insight into why it was just a generally unhealthy relationship all around. I believe both are still very conflicted about each other, like, both have tried seeing other people but nothing ever works out because they still feel very attached to each other despite everything else. So, I wonder what will happen next?

PS - Notice how the convo starts off about Sam and Arthur, but once Phillip realizes that Courtney isn't going to bulge on that front, that he starts taking digs at their relationship and Courtney's infidelities. I think he's much weaker than Courtney in that regard. She's at least trying to move forward; but he's still dwelling on the past.

All likes, comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated! Thank you for the support 💖

[COURTNEY] Oh, what the hell, Phillip?

[COURTNEY] What do you want? The boys aren’t here

[PHILLIP] Open the door. It’s you I want to talk with

[COUTNEY] Phillip, you’re being ridiculous. There’s nothing left to discuss

[PHILLIP] You know there’s plenty. Do you think I didn’t notice the way you were staring at me last month? You couldn’t even hide your remorse

[PHILLIP] The boys . . . I don’t need to tell you what they mean to me. Everything. They’re my whole world. I’ve never hurt them or abused them or . . . You already know all that, so, why are you doing this to me?

[COURTNEY] Listen, Phillip, I don’t think you’re an evil person. You’re a decent father, almost

certainly a better father than my own, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t hurt people. You’re still not clean: that’s why I was staring at you, because you’re still the same man you’ve always been, only this time you’re not even hiding it anymore

[COURTNEY] After what you did at the jubilee, Sam didn’t speak. Didn’t sleep or eat. He was physically sick for two weeks. I’m trying to make sure he won’t be the one bawling his eyes out to a therapist twenty years down the line. Why would I be remorseful?

[PHILLIP] I want them back, Courtney

[COURTNEY] You know everything’s already been finalized. Be glad you and your reprehensible family still have access to them at all

[PHILLIP] You really hate me don’t you? That whole big speech you gave me at the hospital?

Remember? The one about how your life is so much better without me? You’re healing and putting yourself first now. Good for you. Perhaps I’ll go drop dead in the meantime. That’s obviously what you want

[COURTNEY] You have some nerve coming to my house and speaking to me like this. How dare you!

[COURTNEY] We are not having this conversation again. I am not the root cause of everything wrong with your life. I have loved you since I was seventeen. It was you who neglected that love, walked all over it, and took it for granted. You were the one who abandoned me and allowed the press to abuse me. Is it any wonder I began turning to other people? I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you, Phillip, but I was your wife. Not your fucking doctor

[PHILLIP] You loved me? Well, I never stopped, so I want you to explain to me—

[COURTNEY] Phillip, I’m tired—

[PHILLIP] No, I want you to tell me this: how was I supposed to handle you sleeping with the

people closest to me? My staff, my friends . . .

[PHILLIP] . . . My brother? You knew how much I adored that man—

[COURTNEY] If you still believe that tabloid rumour that’s on you

[PHILLIP] I believe it because it’s not exactly out of character for you, Court. You’re a terrible person, but you’re what I deserve. No one else in this world suits me the way you suit me. You can talk about healing and moving on but you’re mine and I’m yours

[COURTNEY] I never stopped, either, you know

[taeyohonic]

stolen dances | chap. VII

summary: sometimes supporting the person you love is the hardest challenge you’ll ever face.

pairing: jeon jungkook x fem!reader

rating: m

warning: two swearwords, a woman is getting objectified (i like that i can put this in a warning rather than it being the norm... like it is in every day life)

additional tags: f2l, ceo!jungkook, bestfriend!jungkook, shrink!yoongi, my best friend’s wedding meets 27 dresses (if the boss/secretary couple had happened), angst-y

words: 1200

links: prev. | next  [masterlist]

note: lower case letters intended

chapter summary: you know the world is too complicated when taehyung sounds smart.

last chapter ending:

it’s like seeing an accident happening in slow motion. there is nothing you can do other than chew as fast as you can.

“yoongi?”, jungkook asks and the hot tomato sauce burns your throat as you swallow your food.

“yoongi, you know? _______’s plus one?”

“______ doesn’t have a plus one”, jungkook states with authority in his voice. now namjoon is looking at you with wide eyes – did you not tell your best friend that you’ll take your therapist to his wedding?

the new dj doesn’t want to contradict his employee two minutes after being hired, so namjoon stays silent.

before you can form a coherent thought to defuse the situation, jungkook turns towards you.

“you are coming solo to my wedding, _______”, there is no question in his tone, more of an accusation as his hot stare pierces through you. you feel strangely guilty.

the seating chart is a white board in your living room – you’re the one responsible that jungkook aunt doesn’t sit next to his crack headed nephew. there is no way he knows that you’re seated next to yoongi at his best men’s table.

“no, i’m not”, you admit timidly. at your answer jungkook’s face darkens.

“since when do you have a boyfriend, _____?” your best friend really tries not to yell at you in a filled restaurant, but his tone is as harsh as his eyes. you can hear your heartbeat quicken.

“i never said he’s my boyfriend”, you argue as jungkook huffs, clearly more irritated by the second.

“you’re bringing him to your best friend’s wedding, _____. i should hope he’s your boyfriend”, he answers with sarcasm dripping from his words. you don’t like how namjoon is watching the both of you – his eyes widen at the scene before him.

before you can ask namjoon to leave – the dinner is clearly done – jungkook’s heated stare finds the newly hired dj.

“you’re friends with him, right?”

“uhm… yeah”, he nods, clearly uncomfortable with the unwanted attention.

“how long have they been together?”, your heated friend asks.

you want to object as you watch jungkook getting more upset by the second. this isn’t your best friend. you are not sure what’s gotten into him, but this is not normal.

namjoon hesitated and searches your face for help. you don’t have any – clearly overwhelmed with the situation.

“they-... they’re not... i mean they’ve only known each other for… for like five months”, he stutters.

wrong answer, very wrong, judging by jungkook’s grim expression.

“you’ve had a boyfriend for nearly half a year and you never told me?”, he accuses you and you feel your stomach clench at his disappointment.

“he’s just a friend”, you explain, but jungkook doesn’t care. he gets up from the table without responding. you watch his hunched body move with long strides to the waiter. your hands grip your hair, pulling at the strands painfully.

“please”, you say to your barista, “please don’t tell yoongi.”

you get up, too, and follow your upset friend to the front of the restaurant, not even noticing how namjoon nods in agreement. he doesn’t want to get any more involved in this mess than he already is. his fingertips trace the outline of seojin’s signature in contemplation. he should decline jungkook’s offer. he really should.

your stilettos click against the marble as you run after jungkook who already puts on his jacket, a storm clouding his face. the moment he sees you in front of him he scoffs at you.

“i don’t want to talk right now, ____”, he tells you but continues to stand there, not yet leaving. you take that as an invitation to step closer.

“jungkook, i’m sorry i didn’t tell you that i’m bringing a friend to your wedding.”

“wrong”

huh?

“you’re not bringing him to my wedding”, jungkook tells you coolly.

come again?

“he’s not invited”, he explains shortly and doesn’t wait for your responds before turning around and leaving you there.

what did he just say?

“mr. jeon, wait! your card!”, your waiter calls after him jungkook doesn’t look back.

you try to offer him a reassuring smile. “just… give me the card”, you tell the familiar staff and he nods after a second. with jungkook’s black visa heavy in your hand the waiter hesitates in his steps.

“just… he’ll be fine, ma’am.” it’s surreal that this worker is a greater source of comfort than your best friend. your smile is watery at best when you smile in gratitude.

“he’s really difficult”, you offer. the waiter nods. “aren’t we all?”

“let’s go, ____”, namjoon says from behind and you flinch at the softness of his tone. “i know a good barista willing to make you the sweetest caramel macchiato.”

the pit in your stomach lessens when you lock eyes with your dj. “will my teeth weep at the sugar level?”

the answering smile morphs his eyes into two moon crescents. “your caries is going to throw a homecoming prom in your mouth.”

***

“is it just me or is your maknae really the golden boy at being an ass?”

taehyung snorts on the other line. “honey, you’ve just enjoyed the blissful heaven of being jungkook’s maknae.”

“what?”, you ask, clearly confused.

it’s been two days since that dinner – still, your best friend won’t answer any of your calls. there was an impromptu business trip which forced jungkook to travel the next morning before the two of you could talk face-to-face. now it seems, he’s actively ignoring you from overseas.

“jungkook has always been our baby, ____”, taehyung, his former bandmate explains, “it’s like getting a really cute puppy. you’re so full of endearment that you won’t stop carrying it around. so, your puppy doesn’t learn how to walk.”

“jungkook can walk”, you snort and place the last of your watered plants back in its place. the sun is overshadowed by a cloudy sky and you’re watching the tiniest rays of sunshine dancing across the window.

“emotionally, he can’t”, taehyung counters.

“so, just because seokjin couldn’t show jungkook some tough love, i can’t take a friend to his wedding?” you try to make fun of this situation, but neither you nor taehyung are laughing.

“don’t forget that in jungkook’s eyes, you’re literally a golden maknae yourself”, he adds. “he’s never seen you as anything less than perfect… and now, you lied to him.”

“i didn’t lie”, you protest and press your fingertips against the glass.

“you should have told him about your… uhm… friend coming to his wedding, honey.”

“what difference does it make? hm? i got an invite – i myself sent to me ��� and i rsvp’ed it. i did the seating chart. he didn’t care. he didn’t ask. why now?”

“you know why – you’ve sent this guy more than a hundred snaps of your oatmeal for weeks, rating their consistency, but you don’t tell him about such a close friend of yours? never mention him in the last months?”, taehyung bites back without humor, “not gonna lie, honey, even i am a bit upset. and i just want to fuck you.”

his crass words are not as shocking as the amount of truth behind his thoughts.

“maybe i don’t want to share yoongi with you just yet”, you offer to deflect from the unanswered accusation.

“and maybe our maknae doesn’t want to share you either”, taehyung responds wittily. well, maybe he ought to learn how to.

_____

not my best work, but it’s honestly the best i could do right now! i hope you guys are safe, happy and loved! i am trying to update some of my fics before it’s christmas, so if you’re enjoying my other work(s), you’ll get an update soon! i... am i the only one missing yoongi in this chapter? he shall re-appear next chapter! and he shall meet jungkook! how are we all feeling about jk’s reaction? i can’t wait to hear your thoughts! till then, lots of love and the best wishes for you and your families, dana

taglist: @livewittykid  @thequeen-kat @kagami-s-void @goldenclosethobi @youwannabelostandnotbefound @jinsalpaca @bishuthot @laabellaavitaa21 @baekstans @jalexad​ @kimluvwoo​

[rantingwriter]

Accidentally in Love (Hawks x Civilian Reader) pt. 2

Trigger Warning: Strong language, long hospital stay, lots of anger, depression, and more angst than last time. I swear there will be fluff later...starting in pt. 4.

 “Damn it,” you grumble as you try to support your weight with the parallel bars. 

“You are doing great, [y/n], just a little bit more.” Mayu, one of the physical therapists helping you with your recovery does her best to encourage you. 

The door slams open and you lose your concentration, collapsing to the floor. “Fuck!” 

Mayu cringes at the angered tone, “Ryo!!” 

The man who barged into the room bows apologetically, “I’m so sorry, I was running late,” he hurries off to the changing room for the employees. 

You feel your frustration boiling over, “this is pointless!” 

Mayu turns her attention back to you and her features soften, “Please don’t say that, you’ve only been at this for a week and you are making good progress.” Her positivity only serves to frustrate you more.

“What progress?! I can’t even stand for longer than a couple minutes at a time!”

“I understand your frustration-” 

“How could you possibly understand this?!” You gesture wildly at your legs. “You can stand and walk and you still have both of your feet!” Your chest rises and falls rapidly as you glare at the therapist. 

She simply sits on the floor with you and gives you a very soft smile. “You are right, I will never understand fully what you are going through. So, tell me, what is causing the most frustration and I can do what I can to help.” 

“All of it!” You raise your arms up like you are surrendering. “Trying to stand on these limp noodles, trying to get out of my stupid wheel chair, even getting out of bed…” Your anger quickly morphs to sadness, “it’s just too hard…” Mayu gently pats your shoulder. 

“It’s a process,” She shifts to sit next to you. “Healing can be a very long and difficult process, especially when you lose an ability you’ve been able to do so easily until now.” You feel a lump form in your throat, trying really hard not to cry...again. “I’m not going to lie and say this is easy, but I know you can do this.” 

You wipe your eyes and sniffle, “I’m sorry for yelling…” 

“It’s alright, I understand you are frustrated, but I am here to help.” The employee door opens again. “So is Ryo when he actually shows up on time.” The teasing tone and Ryo’s exaggerated response brings out a soft ghost of a laugh. “Are you ready to give it another try?” 

“Yeah, I guess,” she helps to get you off the floor and on your shaky feet. You grab the parallel bars and repeat the exercise you’ve been doing all morning. A light tap on the window near your station alerts both yourself and your physical therapist to a note on the glass. “What does it say?” You feel your arms give out, but you are able to land in your wheelchair this time.

“Let’s see,” The older woman walks up to read it aloud, “when you are free, please come to the roof. HaWkS!?” Her voice cracks at the name, “who, wait, who is he talking about?!” 

You hold your hand up, “probably me, he said he was going to pop by once I was awake.” You were starting to think he forgot about you. 

“Oh my goodness!” Mayu covers her mouth and looks at you, “are you two friends? Are you dating?!” She gets closer with each question, her eyes shiny diamonds that scream ‘tell me everything!’ 

“He kind of gave me a concussion,” you watch her expression drop into one of horror. “Not on purpose, it was during that big fight that landed me here.” 

“I see, well, we are actually done for today if you want to head on up.” She goes to grab her clipboard and record the progress from today. 

“Does the elevator even reach the roof?” You can feel a knot form in your stomach, why are you so nervous? 

“Yes, the recreational therapy team has a community garden up there for the patients. I can get you some information if you would like to join them for a session.” You never heard of such a thing, it does strike a cord of curiosity, but that is for another time. 

“Sure, just send some to my room when you have the time,” you wheel your way to the exit. “Oh, and uh...thanks for the pep talk.” You rub the back of your neck to hide your embarrassment. 

“No problem, if you need anything just let me know.” Mayu smiles and waves as you leave to go up to the roof. Sure enough, the elevator opens right in front of the door. You push the button to get the door open and find rows of box gardens, some raised, some lowered. 

“Wow, this is neat,” you take a closer look at some of the plants bearing fruit, when you spot your mystery visitor. Your eyes are instantly drawn to the huge red wings on his back. The same ones you saw before you went into your coma. You clench the wheels of your chair and swallow your nerves. “Um…” He appears distracted by something, as he scans the city streets below, his feet hovering off the ground. “Hello? Are you Hawks?” He looks over his shoulder and his features light up with recognition. 

“Hey! Glad to see you up and about!” He lands and folds his wings in a bit before approaching you.

“Yeah, mostly…” You weren’t entirely sure what to say to him. 

He doesn’t seem too sure either as he pockets his gloved hands. “Uh, what’s your name?” 

“[Y/n].” More silence follows, wow the awkward tension is a little too palpable. “Why exactly are you here?” 

He looks taken aback, his wings puffing up a small bit, “I just wanted to see how you were doing.” 

“Well, as you can see, I’m doing just great.” You can’t help the sarcasm as you move your wheelchair. 

His features fall, his eyes aimed towards what’s left of your feet. “I’m so sorry, I made a bad judgment call and you got hurt because of it. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” 

“Unless you have some means to turn back time, there isn’t much you can do.” 

“There has to be something,” he lifts his gaze back up to plead with you. “I’ll do anything, just say the word.” 

You can’t tell if he is being genuine or not, before you can open your mouth a glint of something from the nearby building catches your attention. You wheel closer to the fence that lines the top of the building and spot a man with a camera aimed at the two of you. You whip your head around to face him, “is this some kind of joke to you?!” 

“What?” His golden-brown hues are full of confusion as you struggle to turn your wheelchair around. 

“Look, if you just came to Peacock for the camera’s or throw some kind of a pity party for yourself. I don’t want any part of it!” He looks between you and the nearby building, his feathers get ruffled at the sight of the camera. 

“No, wait, this isn’t what it looks like!” He holds a hand out to try and stop you from leaving. 

“Thanks for checking in, you can leave now.” You try to wheel your way back inside, but something is caught in one of your wheels. 

“I swear I’m not with that guy, he must have noticed me fly up here after I left my note.”

You aren’t paying any attention to him, you are too focused on getting away. “Stupid thing,” you try to muscle through the clog, but you end up tipping the whole thing over and landing on the hard surface of the roof. “Son of a bitch!” You slam a closed fist on the ground as you push yourself up. Tears of frustration and pain leak from your [e/c] pools. You feel a gloved hand on your shoulder but you quickly shove it away. “Don’t touch me!” 

“Please just let me help you,” he tries to reach for you again, but you stop him in his tracks.

“I’ve had enough of your help! Your ‘help’ is the reason I’m here!!” Your voice echoes around you, you wouldn’t be surprised if the camera man heard you. 

You can see the hurt in the hero's eyes as he backs away, his wings drooping as your words settle somewhere deep within himself. 

“Just go away…” you get your wheelchair back up and haul yourself into it again. You can hear the sound of his wings as he takes off, the force of the air blows your hair all over the place. You cover your face as you allow the tears to flow freely. If you were completely honest with yourself, you didn’t truly blame him. It was just easier than accepting your rotten luck. A couple of nurses hurry onto the roof and rush over to you. Apparently someone on the street heard you and told the staff in the lobby. You are immediately wheeled back to your room to rest and have your vitals checked. Your body is exhausted and so was the rest of you. You look out your window at the clouds rolling in, “nurse?” 

“Yes?” The kind man responds as he gets your table ready for dinner. 

“Would it be possible to send a letter to a hero agency?” 

He hums in thought for a moment, “I believe so, why?” 

“I...was just curious…” The nurse drops the topic and leaves you to your thoughts. “Doubt it would make a difference anyways.” You roll onto your side as your eyelids drooped, the sound of rain lulling you to sleep. Your dinner is left for you on the little table, along with a can of coffee with another note. ‘I still owe you a coffee, good luck with your recovery. -Hawks.’

[olivetreehugger]

SnK Scouts/Veterans as Health Care Workers

Note: features Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Levi, Erwin and Hange. A part two to my “SnK Warriors as HCWs” post found here. warning: mentions of blood, trauma, gore (it’s healthcare). Also, I know Hange is nb, I headcanon them as female, so I will be using she/her pronouns. 

Eren: this boy is definitely too involved in everything and has too many people depending on him at once to not be a nurse. The kid barely passed the NCLEX but that didn’t stop him from applying to every trauma center within a 25 mile radius of him. He got hired as a night shift trauma ICU nurse  and he frequently picks up shifts in the ER. He wears the cheapest scrubs he can find, often stained with ink in the pockets area. He isn’t a shitty nurse per se but there are tasks that still need to be done at the end of his shift and he gives a crappy report that’s missing too many details. Nurses hate picking up his patients, it’s always a mess. His charting is really spotty and he gets called into the manager’s office all the time to fix it. 

Still, he tries really hard to improve his time management and skills. He wants to be like his friends Mikasa and Reiner, who are the best nurses he knows. He wants to be involved in the traumatic cases and emergencies because he wants to learn as much as he possibly can. He’s really good at wound care, for some reason (hint hint). He’s kinda cocky sometimes too, which can be troublesome when Dr. Galliard is working. People know to steer clear of those two when they’re both  in the ER. Also, Eren always has a black cloud around him; whenever he works it’s gonna be a hella busy day in the hospital. Lots of emergency surgeries, intubations, codes and deaths. He’ll always jump in to help you if your patient is crashing, though, no matter how busy he is. 

Mikasa: she’s a prodigy. She was a straight ‘A’ student in nursing school, got a perfect 75 on the NCLEX and was immediately hired to the trauma ICU after doing a short internship there. She worked night shift for a year but her sleep schedule was so so fucked she started having night terrors, so she switched to day shift. Eren still calls her a traitor for it :/. She keeps trying to get him to switch over but he just hisses at her and threatens to chug a case of Monster energy drinks. She hasn’t given upon him yet, though.

This girl’s work ethic is beyond measure. She comes in exactly at 6:30 am, looks up her patients, takes report, gives a great update to the doctors when they round, and provides impeccable care to her patients. She knows exactly which treatments the doctors will order before they even speak. She’s incredible at inserting IVs--everyone in the hospital knows Mikasa Ackerman can put an 18g in a 90  yr old lady’s arm AND get blood return (just trust me, it’s flipping impossible). She has great skill when it comes to emergency situations and is a big believer in team work. If she notices your patient’s crashing and you don’t know what to do, she’ll calmly coach you and save your patient, too. All before lunch time. 

It doesn’t take Mikasa long to be promoted to charge nurse. When she’s in charge all the reports, paperwork and audits are completed before shift change. She divides the patient assignments really well and is very fair to the new grads. All around she’s an incredible nurse and leader on her unit, but don’t be fooled. If it’s been a rough day, Mikasa will get in her car and sob so loud her throat goes raw. A lot of people depend on her and working in a trauma ICU is really, really demanding. A lot of patients are demanding, rude and busy. She has a lot of trouble with stress management and is thinking of cutting her hours down so she can catch a break. Someone please hug her <3

Armin: for some reason my brain is just SCREAMING respiratory therapist. Like, I imagine this beautiful blond boy in gray scrubs (the color for RT’s in my hospital) going around helping intubate patients, giving nebulizer treatments and doing blood gases. I can just see him huffing and puffing when the attending doctor is overzealous about weaning vent support. -“Why are we changing the patient to pressure support? do you see how tachypneic he is on volume control?”

-“are you gonna put in the order? if not, your patient’s gonna be on PRVC all day, I’m not changing it without an order”

-“Doc, the patient looks like crap and their blood gas looks like death...oh, you still wanna extubate? ok, well I’m gonna leave the ventilator in here just in case. better yet, let me call a pastor in here, too.”

This kid is sassy af and he knows it. He’s smart af too, knows everything there is to know about the lungs and respiratory care. Knows every ventilator mode better than most doctors. Will certainly tell a resident off for ordering the wrong type of inhaler for a patient. He’s so damn intelligent that he even made the ice queen Annie melt like a popsicle. 

 He has no chill when it comes to his patients and even less chill (like -4078875874670) when a doctor gets in his way. For this reason, Armin has recently been toying with the idea of going to PA school so he can have a little more autonomy. He works al over the hospital, usually frequenting the trauma, CV, and medical ICU. The nurses there love him. 

Jean: Jeannie boy. Baby. Sweetie. He’s also a nurse. He is strictly dayshift and trauma. When he first started, he thought he’d do a year in the ICU and then go to CRNA school. He didn’t want to be around sickly patients with hopes and dreams and fears--it was too icky for him. But, over time, he learned that he LOVED trauma. Jean loves the controlled chaos that comes with the ugly, bloody messes that roll in through the ICU’s doors. He always gears up for trauma season (summer time) by bringing Dunkin Donuts iced coffee for everyone on the unit (day and night shift because he’s a supportive king). He gets really good at dealing with arrogant trauma residents and ortho docs who think they’re hot shit. When Jean sees a resident yelling at a nurse, he jumps in and threatens to have their license revoked. He will dig under their skin and page them incessantly throughout the day, too, just to get back at them. Jean is not a fan of lateral violence in the workplace, no sir. 

He always, always makes sure every room is stocked and new bags are hanging for the next shift. He has a thing where if things aren’t properly organized on the unit his brain just spazzes. He’s on the unit council and education committee because he also loves to teach the new grads. He also doubles as charge nurse, when management can’t be there (there can be one or more charge nurses amongst the staff, they usually work different days, though) He and Mikasa work so well together, teaming up to get tasks done, coding patients, running them down to get scanned, etc. People joke they’re the mom and dad of the unit. It makes them both blush <3 (Eren doesn’t like it, lol)

Jean loves to see patients healing from horrendous injuries, he’s constantly cracking jokes with the awake patients to try to make them feel better, and he’s really good at calming anxious family members down. Our boy just makes such good connections with people. He’s the guy you call when your confused patient is one second away from ripping his breathing tube out. He can convince the most restless, agitated patient to chill out. He’s got the voice for it. Also people love his mullet. It looks great. 

Connie: I really didn’t know at first but I feel like Connie would make a great physical therapist. He’s got great energy, he’s funny and I could see him dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire in front of his patients to hype them up for therapy. He’d be very sweet with them 

Sasha: I’m sick and tired of the food jokes, quite honestly. She’s more than that. In my mind, she’s an occupational therapist, helping disabled patients learn to feed, dress and clean themselves again. She works directly with Connie as they round on all their patients in the hospital, they make a great team!  She’s extremely patient and would make a very good nurse, but is unsure of where life is taking her. That is until she meets Niccolo the dietician in the cafeteria, and she falls hard. He encourages her to follow her heart and she does!  

Levi: Hm. This one stumped me. Levi is a bit...cold. It’s not like he has incredible social skills. He’s meticulous and focused and kinda mean? He reminds me of an anesthesiologist, tbh. Like he’ll sedate the shit outta you for surgery, makes sure you don’t die on the table, and then drops you off to the unit as fast as he can. He never takes off his mask while in the hospital and he scrubs maybe four times before surgery. He is very good at medication calculations and knows everything about nerve blocks, intubation, pain medication and sedation. He can look at a person and just KNOW what kind of sedative to give and how much. Your blood pressure will never bottom out while he’s there, he’ll warn the surgeon and immediately get that norepinephrine started.

 If Zeke is the one operating, Levi is on his ass to finish up the surgery ASAP and to not linger, because Zeke takes his time and ignores the tele monitor alarming in the background. After surgery, this 5′2 demon will scream at the 6′ resident about the importance of blood pressure management and sedation in neurosurgical patients. Levi plays no games and he also just really hates Zeke lol

He seems like a jerk but genuinely cares about getting his peeps through surgery. His favorite surgeon to work with is Hange Zoe, because she’s brilliant and fast, but also cognizant of her patient’s hemodynamics. Levi likes taking trauma cases as long as it’s with her. When he drops a patient off to the trauma ICU or goes there to intubate, he makes sure Jean or Mikasa are there because he knows everything is gonna go smoothly. He trusts them a lot. He likes Armin, too and even let him intubate a few times. On his breaks, he’s drinking tea and reading a Williams & Sonoma catalog or scrolling through cleaning Tik Tok lol.

Erwin: This man. This beautiful and hunky beefcake. Omg. I HC him as someone who went to nursing school, became a charge nurse on the trauma unit back in the early 2000′s and fell in love with it. Erwin would eventually fall in love with leadership and educating, too. He went back to school and earned his Doctorate of Nursing Practice (a practice doctorate). He managed the trauma unit for ten years before his brilliant leadership skills and wicked smart brain got him elected as the Director of Trauma Surgery recently. He is the first person with a nursing degree and DNP to ever accomplish this, so it’s very controversial. A lot of toxic doctors threaten to leave the hospital for this (because they’re assholes), but Erwin threatens to fire them in response and it usually shuts them up. 

He often holds lectures in the hospital auditorium. With a mind and voice like his, people are so drawn in by him. He advocates for nursing staff, for reimbursement when continuing their education, better staffing, parking, etc. He makes nice with doctors and gets them to sign petitions for the nurses to get these things. He’s a bit manipulative He’s also a fantastic manager and director, he’s really good at negotiating things. The nurses and residents all love him because he rounds on every ICU frequently, brings food, and asks them how he can help. He can be a bit daunting because of his height and deep voice but once he starts talking to you, you just get sucked in. All around an absolute king. 

Hange: This character reminds me of a trauma surgeon and intensivist (ICU doctor) we have, Dr. Omi. A great surgeon, really really smart, but takes absolutely NO bullshit. She will yell at you if you freeze during intubating. She wants you to recite every step before you take it, otherwise she’ll take the tube from you and do it herself. In surgery, she’s the same way. She wants you to learn, but by her standards. If she asks a question, you better know the answer or fess up right away, she doesn’t like the “uhms” of uncertainty as you try to search for a shitty response. Either you know it or you don’t. And if you don’t, she’ll teach you. Yeah she can be rough around the edges, but she’s got a big heart. She loves her trauma team. She buys them breakfast and gives them funny personalized gifts. One time, she bought an apply tree for Mikasa and brought it to her car at the end of a shift. Mikasa forgot to plant it and it died in her backseat. Hange will sometimes ask, “Mikasa, how’s your apple tree growing?” and Mikasa will lie through her teeth. “It’s growing!” Fess up, Mikasa. Those google search apple trees are starting to look familiar.

All around Hange loves to work and teach. She is a wonderful trauma surgeon and has saved tons of lives.  

[maluminspace]

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Pairings: Platonic Ashton Irwin/Calum Hood/Luke Hemmings/Michael Clifford/Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Requested: anon

Please could you write something with the boys helping the reader after a suicide attempt

Trigger Warnings: sucide attempt, references to cutting wrists, feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety

A/N: I am aware that the subjects of depression and suicide are very serious and delicate. I would never write something like this lightly. I was asked by an anonymous follower to write this because they wanted a part of their story to be told. It’s for that reason that I wanted to write this. I have realised recently that there are a whole bunch of people in this fandom who don’t feel they can relate to the biggest part of fanfic out there for one reason or another. Some can’t relate to most stories because of their gender identification (or lack thereof) or their sexual orientation, which I have taken a big step in addressing recently. Other people, however, can’t relate due to other reasons. I wanted to give all those people, especially the brave person that approached me for this, something to show that they are not alone. I realise that there are plenty of triggering things in this and I urge you to only read it if you feel like you can. If you want to reblog it, please do so with all of the necessary trigger warnings. As I’ve said before, fanfic was probably originally meant as a fun escape, something meant to be lighthearted. However I feel like it can be very valuable in giving people alternative fiction to read,where they feel a little more seen and hopefully less alone. Once again I ask you all to proceed with caution, the last thing I want is to trigger anyone. I’ve tried to keep references to the actual attempt to a very minimum. This is meant to concentrate on the recovery aspect. I’d like to end this note by sending my love and support to everyone who can relate to this any way.

Thank you to @mermaidcashton for editing for me <3

***

Running a fingertip over the fading scars on your wrist, you listen to the general day-to-day noises beyond your little room on the psych ward for the last time. 

It’s kind of hard to believe that you’ll be leaving here in a few minutes, hoping never to return again. You’re pretty sure that you won’t need to. The lovely staff here have done their job, now it’s time for you to take your recovery to the next level.

Of course you’re nervous. On some level you’ve been partly dreading this day. Going home to the place where it happened isn’t going to be easy and you know that. It’s not going to do you any good to worry about that now, though. It’s better to focus on the positives, instead. Luckily there is a lot of those. Firstly, you have every right to feel very proud of yourself. You’ve completed your sixty days here and made an amazing start on your road to recovery. Secondly, you’re being rewarded by returning home to your four favourite people in the whole world. They were downstairs right now, signing you out at reception, just waiting to take you back to the cozy little house you all shared. Thirdly, you get to sleep in your own bed tonight! Something you’ve been looking forward to almost as much as the millions of hugs you’re about to get from your four best friends.

“Are you ready dear.” 

Your nurse’s kind voice breaks through your thoughts and pulls your attention to the door of the tiny bedroom that had been your home for the last two months. You immediately drop your hands to your sides, looking almost guilty at having been rubbing your scars, albeit subconsciously. 

“Your friends are here to take you home.” The nurse smiles kindly, gesturing towards the corridor behind her. 

You return her friendly gesture, scooping up your backpack before allowing your nurse to lead you down to reception. The hallway is fairly quiet. You can hear the muffled sound of your fellow patients chatting away to each other in one of the large communal areas as you pass it.

As you leave the ward, your nurse explains that you’ll be given a weekly appointment with a therapist that you’ll continue to see for as long as necessary. That thought eases your worries a little, knowing that you’ll still have that element of professional support.

When you reach the reception area, all of the nerves and apprehension you’ve been harbouring temporarily melt away as you lay eyes on your four best friends. They already have the rest of your possessions and it finally seems real; you’re going home.

The four ridiculously tall men are gathered near the desk, talking quietly. They’ve visited you every single week since you’d been admitted to hospital, however they somehow look different out here and it brings a bright smile to your face. The biggest difference from their weekly visits is that they’re all together this time. Usually they take it turns to come and see you so that you have at least one person there at every visiting session. That’s all over now, you get to see all four of them every single day from now on, which is something you will never take for granted again. 

As the four men are deep in conversation, you have time to thank your nurse and say goodbye to her before you make your way over to them.

“I hope you boys aren’t gossiping about me.” You tease, grinning excitedly as you finally allow yourself to believe that you’ll be leaving with them in a minute or so.

All four of them look over at you with exactly the expression you’d pictured on each of their faces.

Luke and Michael immediately break into the biggest, most beaming smiles you can ever remember seeing on their handsome faces. Ashton’s smile is a little more muted and apprehensive, he’s always been the worrier and you expect nothing less of him. Calum on the other hand doesn’t smile at all, he hangs back as the other three rush to engulf you in a hug. It’s not because he’s not happy or excited to see you, he’s just always been the quiet one. He knows that today has the potential to really overwhelm you, so staying true to his character, he patiently awaits his turn.

As you savour being engulfed by the other three, you motion for Calum to join in. “This is a group hug moment, Cal…” you reassure him before Ashton reaches over to pull him into the huddle. He doesn’t take much convincing, he muscles into the hug between Ashton and Luke, resting his forehead against yours before placing a soft kiss to it. The others shower you with pecks to your cheeks and head, as well, friendly little gestures that let you know just how much you’ve been missed.

It feels as though time stands still for while. As much as you enjoy being suspended in that moment, you’ve been in this place long enough. “Are we going to stand here all day or are you lot actually going to take me home?” You ask, a nervous giggle escaping you. 

“Of course we’re taking you home, Tiny!” Ashton replies softly. “We just needed that group hug. It’s been a while since all five of us were in the same place at the same time.”

The use of your fond nickname melts away a few more of your nerves about leaving the psych ward. You’ve always loved being the shortest in your friendship group and the name ‘Tiny’  was one of the main reasons why. “Well I hope you’ve stocked up the house with all the food and stuff we need for the weekend because I want at least a forty eight hour cuddle fest.”

“This is why you’ve always been my favourite friend!” Michael exclaims, his emerald eyes brimming with fondness. “You understand the importance of cuddling which is why I am claiming the spot next to you on the sofa! We’ll make a duvet nest and make Luke wait on us hand and foot.” He smirks at the tallest man as he backs away from the huddle.

“Why me?!” Luke protests, “I love cuddles as much as you do!”

Michael scoffs as he takes your backpack and heads across the lobby towards the exit. “Whatever you say, breadstick.”

Luke heads off after Michael, his face set in a defiant expression as he begins to protest.

“I’m so sorry you had to come back to this,Tiny.” Calum mumbles as he slings an arm around your shoulders. “As you can tell, those two idiots haven’t changed a bit. They’re still as ridiculous as ever.”

“Good.” You reply. “I’d have been disappointed if they weren’t.”

Just as Calum begins to lead you towards the door, Ashton stops you both, gesturing towards the reception desk. “Before you resume your role as our much needed peace keeper, you need to sign out and get your appointment for next week.” He looks almost apologetic, like he’s scared of ruining your happy moment.

You offer him an understanding smile before stepping over to the desk. The friendly receptionist hands you a clipboard with a form attached before indicating the box you need to sign in. You scribble your signature and take the little slip of paper that informs you of the date and time of your therapy appointment for the following week. After thanking the lady once more you rejoin Ashton and Calum, allowing them to lead you outside. 

As you step through the automatic your doors your heart threatens to burst out of your chest. You’re not sure whether that’s more because you’re nervous or excited, it’s most likely a mixture of both.

Little things that you’d taken for granted before coming here suddenly seem incredibly significant. The sound of the gravel crunching beneath your shoes, the distant rumble of traffic on the main road, passers by smiling at you out of friendly courtesy instead of sympathy and the feeling that you can literally go anywhere you please right now. It’s all a bit overwhelming but Calum and Ashton are a comforting presence beside you, grounding you but remaining silent as though they just instinctively know what you need.

Luke and Michael are standing beside the familiar beat-up old SUV, still bickering until the moment they notice you walking towards them. “Your carriage awaits!” Luke grins, “I’m sitting next to you in the back, that’s non-negotiable!”

“Of course!” You smile, taking one last glance at the hospital over your shoulder. “It’s always you me and Mike in the back, it’s the dads’ job to drive us around, isn’t it?”

“We’re only the designated drivers because the rest of you can’t be trusted behind the wheel!” Ashton chuckles, “Luke drives like a grandpa and Michael thinks he’s fucking Baby Driver.” 

You couldn’t argue with that statement and it seems that Luke and Michael can’t either as they don’t even try to protest. The youngest friend traits round to the other side of the car whilst Michael holds the nearest car door open for you. “It’s good to have you back,Tiny.” He smiles, ruffling your hair as you duck your head to climb into the backseat. 

To avoid getting too sappy, something very easily done around your best friends, particularly Michael, you opt for a light response. “It’s good to be back, as long as you’ve all left my room well alone whilst I’ve been gone.”

Your friends exchange mischievous glances and you’re immediately suspicious. “It’s almost exactly as you left it.” Luke smirks as he plugs in your seatbelt for you. 

“Almost?” You question warily, “what have you dorks done?”

“Wow we almost made it five minutes before before you insulted us, I’m impressed.” Michael giggles as he shuffles onto the seat beside you and fastens his own seatbelt. 

The blonde’s words prove to be an impressive distraction, successfully leading into a full blown discussion on who throws the most insults at the other four. By the time everyone is securely belted, you’ve completely forgotten about the hint that something’s been changed in your beloved bedroom. 

“Everyone ready, then?” Ashton asks, although his soft hazel eyes meet yours in the rear-view mirror and you know that the question is specifically for you. 

You dip your head in a clear nod, you’ve never more ready to return home. 

Your eldest friend smiles at you understandingly as he starts the car. 

Part of you wants to take one last look at the hospital as Ashton pulls out of the parking space. You resist the urge, though, settling for watching the imposing building’s reflection disappear from the rear-view mirror as your friend drives out of the parking lot and onto the road. 

The five of you remain silent for a while as Calum leans forward in the front passenger seat to put on the radio. The familiar songs make the atmosphere a bit less tense. Not that it’s uncomfortable at all, it’s just obvious that your friends aren’t entirely sure what they should do now. They want to be there for you but it’s not always clear how to do that in the best way. It’s understandable of course, how are they supposed to know exactly what you need from them if you don’t talk to them. That’s one of the things you’ve been learning to do; to open up. As you try to think of a way to open up a relaxed conversation, you subconsciously begin to scratch at the scars on your wrists again. The raised lines over your veins are proof that you are healing both on the inside and the outside. It’s not good for you to pick at them, you know that, it’s just a bad habit that you can’t seem to shake yet.

Without saying a single word, Michael reaches for your hand, gently intertwining his fingers with yours and bringing your hand to rest on the seat between the two you, safely enclosed in his. Luke does the same with your other hand, both boys offering you a soft smile before returning their attention to the street on either side of the car. The caring gestures mean more to you than you’ll ever be able to express and you’re more determined than ever to make something of the second chance you’ve been given at life.

You give yourself a moment to process how lucky you are to have such a stable support network. These four men might be huge idiots at times but they’re the best friends anyone could ever hope of having. You allow the warmth from Michael and Luke on either side of you to calm your mind a bit before settling on a topic to hopefully get a conversation flowing. “So have you got any new gossip since the last time you came to visit?” You ask, looking at each man in turn. “Has Kevin from number 63 stopped bragging about his new Jag yet?”

Ashton huffs indignantly as the other three start laughing. The eldest friend has never really gotten on all that well this particular neighbor and always gets very wound up by his many annoying habits. Of course, you and your other three housemates like to tease him about it relentlessly. 

“That fucking dick…” Ashton huffs. “If I have to hear about how fast that stupid car can go one more time, I swear I’m gonna key it!”

“As you can see…” Calum smirks, twisting in his seat to look back at you. “Ashton’s attempts at making friends with all of our neighbours is going really well.”

Obviously trying to keep his strong feelings about this matter at an acceptable level, Ashton tightens his grip on the steering wheel. “It’s only him that I have a problem with, his wife is really nice…”

“Yeah we know you like Jillian, Ash…” Michael teases. “We’ve all seen you take a sneaky look at her ass when she walks past our house in those tiny shorts she likes to wear…”

Ashton’s ears and cheeks immediately turn crimson as he tries to deny the allegation.

You laugh freely, pleased that your plan has started work. Luckily the Kevin and Jillian discussion leads on to other gossip and general chit-chat that ends up passing the time easily and before you know it, Ashton is pulling into the gravel driveway in front of the house the five of you share.

Without really meaning to, you tighten your grip on Michael’s and Luke’s hand, having held them contentedly for the whole journey. As excited as you are to be home, a flurry of butterflies take up residency in your tummy as you look up at the house where it all happened almost three months ago. Unfortunately this house will always hold those terrible memories but you’re determined to fill it with new, much happier ones now.

“You okay,Tiny?” Michael asks, his tone quiet and caring. “Do you need a minute before we head inside?”

You shake your head, knowing that thinking too long will only heighten your anxiety. “No, I’m good…” You confirm, finally letting go of your friends’ hands so that they can get out of the car.

“We’ve got so many surprises for you, by the way.” Ashton announces as he unclips his seatbelt. “Including a fridge and freezer full of all of your favourite food!”

“Does that include buttery popcorn?” You ask hopefully, shuffling along the back seat now that Luke’s stepped out onto the driveway.

Calum scoffs, turning back to look at you fully from the front seat. “That was the very first thing on our ‘welcome home’ shopping list for you.”

Your heart is so full of love for your friends in that moment that it almost brings tears to your eyes. “You really are the best.” You mumble offering Calum a watery smile before climbing out of the car.

“If you’re that excited about the popcorn then you’re gonna lose your shit when you see what else we’ve done!” Luke beams. Wrapping an arm around your shoulders as the others grab your things and lock up the car.

Michael runs past you, slinging your backpack over his shoulder. “He’s right, but you have to close your eyes before we go inside!”

Even Calum and Ashton, the most mature and sensible of your friends, are acting kind of giddy with excitement as they sidle past to open the front door. 

“Do I really have to close my eyes?” You pout, “you know I’m clumsy, what if I fall?”

“We’ll never let that happen, Tiny.” Ashton reassures you. “Now close your eyes and we’ll lead you in, okay?”

Of course you trust them, but you feel a little bit silly as you close your eyes. The unmistakable sound of the key turning in the lock and the front door swinging open, signal that you can walk forward, Luke and Calum both lead you into the house, telling you when to take the one step up into the hallway. 

You’re utterly confused as to what this huge surprise is, but you wait until you hear the front door being closed behind you before you ask if you can open your eyes yet.

It’s another couple of seconds, during which you hear your friends scurrying around, before Calum finally says “Okay!” the smile in his voice is obvious and you find yourself opening your eyes even quicker just to get a glimpse of it. 

Sure enough, all four of your friends are looking back at you with beaming grins. Calum’s and Ashton’s cheeks dimple adorably, Michael’s eyes are scrunched in the corners the way they always do when he smiles particularly enthusiastically and Luke’s lips are curved prettily in that ‘model’ smile he always does. 

For a moment, you’re so focused on how much you love these dorks, that you don’t realise that your first surprise is actually all around you. You gasp when you notice that the hallway has been repainted and the tired old side table has been replaced with a rather ornate new one.

“You always said that grey would be a nice colour in here.” Ashton mutters, stroking the back of his neck nervously. “Do you like it?”

Nodding, you traipse over to the side table to find a bunch of pictures perched on it. Happy tears spring to your eyes when you take in all the happy memories that they represent; the trip you all took to the beach a couple of years ago, the barbeque you held last summer where Ashton burnt the halloumi and Michael wouldn’t speak to him for the rest of the night and the first selfie that the five of you took on the first day you all moved in together. 

“I chose those frames.” Michael announces proudly, placing a hand on your shoulder, “They look nice, don’t they?”

“Perfect.” You confirm, your voice sounding thick over the lump in your throat.

“There’s so much more to show you, though!” Luke interjects, taking your hand and leading you through to the kitchen. “We didn’t change too much in here because we know you love it the way it is, but we did get buy some new mugs…” He gestures to where five mugs are sitting on the counter near the sink, each one with a big gold letter on, the first letter of each of your names. 

“They have our star signs on the back, too!” Ashton adds excitably. “You know I’m a sucker for that stuff.” He picks up the nearest mug which happens to be his own and proudly shows the cancer constellation on the back of it in the same shiny gold as the ‘A’ emblazoned on the front.

You take it from him to get a closer look. “They’re so nice!” You exclaim before placing it back down next to the rest.

“Yeah, perfect for these…” Michael grins, opening a cupboard to reveal a whole shelf of different flavour tea, coffee and hot chocolate. 

Giggling at the sweet gesture you give each of them a quick hug. “You’re all the best, you know?”

“You haven’t even seen the best parts yet.” Ashton shrugs, “Come look at the sitting room!”

You follow him back through the hallway and into the living room, grinning at the pretty new sofa they’ve squeezed into the cozy room. 

“It’s a corner sofa, so we can all fit on it!” Luke squeals, “no more fighting over has to sit alone in the arm chair.”

There’s no denying that all of your buddies have put in a lot of effort to freshen up the house ready for your arrival today. A shiny ‘Welcome Home!’ banner has been hung on the fireplace and on one side of the fancy new sofa, there’s a neat pile of blankets, duvets and pillows ready for the nest that you’ll inevitably be making very soon. 

“You’ve all gone to so much trouble.” You sniffle. “You’ll never know how grateful I am.”

“Nothing’s any trouble when it’s for you, Tiny..” Calum smiles softly. 

It’s only then that you realise he’s been very quiet up ‘til now. “Is everything okay, Cal?” You ask, touching his arm gently. “You look anxious.”

Calum nods but his expression remains slightly tense. “I just… Well I hope you like the last part of this surprise, that’s all.”

“I’m sure I’ll love it!” You reassure him. “Where is it?”

“Upstairs.” He replies anxiously, gesturing back out into the hallway.

You feel a knot of dread tighten in your stomach as you hear Michael and Luke scurry up the stairs ahead of you. Judging by the nervous glances that Calum and Ashton share, you have a feeling that this part of the surprise is going to be somehow directly linked to what happened last time you were up there and part of you doesn’t want to know what it is.

“It’s okay, Tiny.” Ashton reassures you. “It’s a nice surprise, I promise.”

There’s no reason to doubt your friends now, they’ve done so much to help you so far that it’s obvious they’re just trying to make today special and so far they’ve succeeded. As you allow them to lead you up the stairs, you notice that pretty new paintings and a few other photographs have appeared on the walls.

“Ashton painted those.” Michael beams, shooting your eldest friend a proud glance. “We told him they were too good to keep stuffed down the side of his bed!”

You nod in agreement. Each picture is beautiful in it’s own right, all of them colourful and expressive, just like Ashton himself.

Once you reach the top of the stairs you fully expect to be led to your room, presuming that the final part of the surprise is that they’ve redecorated your room or something. Therefore, you’re utterly shocked and confused when your friends lead you towards Calum’s room.

“Okay, so you’re going to have to use your imagination a little bit.” Calum explains, “We’d have loved to have finished it for you, but… Well, we needed you to be here to finish it with us really.” 

Your confusion grows as Ashton pushes open the door. To your bewilderment, All of Calum’s furniture and possessions are gone. The room is entirely empty besides a bed, which you immediately recognise as your own.

“We didn’t want to move all of your stuff without your permission, but we thought you’d like this room better than your old one.” Calum clarifies. “It has this big window and we know how much you’ve always wanted a window seat, Ashton says he can build one for you.”

“Calum…” You gasp, tears spilling over on to your cheeks. “I can’t take your room, this is… you love having the big room!”

Michael scoffs as he rushes over to wrap you in a hug. “Don’t worry about him, he gets to share with me until we can move him into your old room. Although, he’ll probably stay there forever because, we all know he’s the clingy one.”

You laugh at the way the blonde lowers his voice like he’s telling you a secret. “I think you’ll find that’s you.” You giggle, squeezing him tightly. 

Michael fakes being offended as he pulls away from you so that you can take a look at your new room properly.

“Maybe we can take a trip into town in the next few days, pick out some paint and furniture… We can have this all set up for you within a week or two if we get to work soon.” Calum suggests.

You perch on the end of your bed feeling totally lost for words as you glance around your new spacious room. “That sounds great but I’m gonna need at least a thousand hugs first, you guys are too much.”

One by one each of your friend’s surround you, Calum and Michael on either side of you, Ashton and Luke crouching down in front of you.

“We thought this would help you to have a nice fresh new start.” Luke smiles softly. “Plus you’re closer to my room now so it’ll be way easier for me to sneak in and watch trashy movies with you when these losers are all asleep.”

It’s obvious that there’s a bunch of reasons why your friends have done this, but it’s very clear that the overriding one is love. They love you unconditionally and the feeling is entirely mutual.

Tag list: @clffrd @byxthexway @afuckingunicornn @painkillerash @moonchildsblack @calumbbyyy @h0tsos @loveroflrh @sexgodashton @megz1985 @myfalsedevotion @aulxna @honeyedlashton @tea4sykes @ghostofmashton @fairyintheglass @cashworthy @cashtonasfuck @opheliaaurora23 @5sosnsfw @wildmichaelflower @myloverboyash @loverofcashton @irwinkitten @cxddlyash @wildmalumflower @cashtonasff5sos @iovehemmings​ @kindawannacryx @pinkbubbles-and-bigtroubles @celticclifford @5-secondsofcolor

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

Hey, Greg Abbott, Teachers’ Lives Matter too

I get it. I do. You need schools to open because...holy crap you’re not getting anything done, your kids need to see other kids, you have a job to do, and you just plain need a break. I get it. I do. I’ve seen the research. Kids are, as much as we can determine barely six months into a pandemic, less likely to get it. They’re less likely to suffer from a severe form of the disease, possibly less likely to transmit it. The calls for opening schools with this data make total sense. Are you going to send your kids into a building with no adults? No. So when you’re out there demanding that schools open and all of your arguments are about you, about what you need, about what your kids need, but NEVER ONCE mention the dangers to the staff and faculty who will necessarily need to be in those schools, you can see where I’m a little concerned. 

I’ve accepted that I ask my friends two or three times a year to donate food to our “snack closet” because ending poverty, let alone childhood poverty and all the many things that encompasses it, seems to be beyond us. 

I’ve accepted that I spend hundreds of dollars of my own money every year to buy things my students need because adequately funding schools seems to be beyond us. 

I’ve accepted that there might come a time I have to lock my students in the closet in my classroom - and let me tell you how blessed I feel that I have a closet big enough to fit all of my kids - because reasonable gun control seems to be beyond us. Now you’re asking us to accept going back into classrooms in the middle of a pandemic. Classrooms that are located in buildings that have been neglected for decades (please see: adequate funding), that in some cases have no windows that open, where our support people - occupational therapists, speech therapists are working in closets (please see: adequate funding), and buildings that have sketchy HVAC on a good day. You’ll forgive us if we’re not quite onboard with this idea yet. 

You see, if we want hand sanitizer in our classrooms, we have to ask parents to donate it. If we want Lysol wipes for our classrooms, we have to ask our parents to donate it. Our parents are pretty poor out here so I buy all these things, all year, myself.   If we want tissues for snotty noses, we have to ask our parents to donate it. 

Since, for the entire two decades I’ve been teaching, we’ve been asking parents to donate basic school supplies because we can’t or won’t adequately fund education, you might see where we’re a little hesitant to go back into those classrooms without masks, without face shields, because masks don’t work with the littlest kids (though face shields really aren’t nearly as effective as masks, but…), without any promise of reliable, regular testing with a quick turnaround of results, without any plan for what happens when someone gets sick, without any plan for what staff and faculty do when someone in their family is sick, without any plan on how we help parents who need the childcare, so they’re forced to give kids Tylenol in order to get through the temperature screening so they don’t lose their job, without any promise of additional money to hire more teachers, to lease more space, to scale up what distance learning will or could look like. (Does anyone really think we’re going to make it through flu season without ending up right where we were in March?) Do you know what schools look like once school starts? We are a snotty, sneezing, sniffly, coughing mess and that's without spike proteins invading our beings. I’m worried for me. I have parents who are considered elderly (sorry about that, but you are). Parents I have only seen from a distance since early March, except for that super socially-distanced Father’s Day. I’m worried for teachers who are parents - what will they do with their kids whose school schedules might be wildly different than that of their parents. I’m worried for the teachers who are older (and I’m REALLY sorry I’m considered one of them).

 But I’m more worried about our custodial staff, bus drivers, our cafeteria workers, our instructional assistants who are far more likely to be BIPOC, people who are far less likely to have the resources needed to survive an extended illness (again, not funding what matters), whose family members are more likely to be considered an essential worker in some other field.I don’t see anyone having these conversations. I don’t see ANY consideration for the adults in school buildings in all the articles calling for schools to open. AAP is telling schools to open, but not giving any guidance on how to do so safely for students AND staff alike. That must be nice. You have to open and good luck on figuring out how to make that work. We’re used to flying by the seat of our pants and making it work. This is a piss-poor solution most of the time and it is a completely untenable one in the middle of a pandemic, one that has been managed in the worst possible way at the federal level. I’m worried for my kids. I know they need to be back at school. I saw how distance learning went this spring. It wasn’t pretty.

 I know that our kids need teachers who aren’t terrified to be at work because there’s nothing in place that would suggest society values teachers as more than cheap childcare, despite the fact that this spring and summer should have sounded that message loud and clear. I know our kids need to be around each other. I’m worried that people are going to start calling for “normal” school. Nothing about this is normal. Even if kids are in school full time, nothing about this is going to be normal. We’re going to be facing kids who are dealing with layer upon layer of trauma, we need to make time and space for that, so stop telling me kids are behind. They’re not any further behind than anyone else. They’re behind some arbitrary lines we drew in the sand so long ago we’re not sure we remember why we drew them. We need to meet our kids where they are. I don't want to hear one word about testing, unless it involves a nasal or throat swab. Not. One. Word. 

The worst part about this is the completely cavalier attitude I see from far too many about doing what needs to be done if you have even half a prayer of opening schools this fall. Wear a mask. Stay home. No, you don’t need to eat in that restaurant. No, you don’t need to go visit your parents or friends 5 states away. No, you don’t need to go hang out with your friends because you’ll really stay 6 feet away - let me assure you that the pictures you’ve posted show me that is almost never true. Yes. You need to wear a mask. Yes. You need to stay home unless it’s really important. If you can’t do any of those things, but want me to go back to school in August with a smile on my face, you’re asking me to make far bigger sacrifices than the ones you’ve been willing to make so far.I am not the author of this amazing work, but please reblog.

[annoyedlord]

What would you consider your defining life moments?(if you feel comfortable sharing of course!)

Mh.... the date might be inaccurate but time/dates doesn’t work well with me haha Also bear with me: it’s long and not the happiest.

Tw: Suicidal thoughts, Surgery, Scariffication, panic attacks, parental abuse/father abuse

2000. Kindergarten. I go to the psychiatrist for the first time. I don’t have many memories of it aside of managing to get my psychiatrist to buy more toys for the sessions because there was only one dinosaur and it was unfair. I’m what I’ll call “A girl by default” but I hate it.

Somewhere in 2008/2009. I have suicidal thoughts and depression but don’t know what it is, I have literally a whole month where I don’t shower because I cannot, it’s physically and psychologically impossible. I’m starting my teenage years with the need to kill myself, the impossibility to do basic tasks and for the first year since my 6yo without any kind of therapist or psychiatrist. My friends at that time don’t deal with it, I’m kinda left behind. (But I’ll meet a better group later ✨). No one is alarmed by my comportment, nor the teachers, nor my parents who aren’t home. I write my first suicide letter. In a more happy note, I get some good ass friend 🐾!! In the following years I’ll date few girls, labeling myself lesbian or bisexual, but never liking it. Got into my very first and quite terrible unhealthy relationship.

2010. I meet my forever best friend, Matthias. I will die for this man.

2011. I discover Don’t hug me I’m scared. This will shape a lot of who am I today, weirdly. At this moment I’m also a huge weeb boy. Totally a huge UwU trash. Absolute garbage. I start to draw digitally by tracing over anime pictures of google. I do a lot of RPs of my OCs. I am also already talking of “becoming a boy when I’ll be an adult”. My mental health is going worst and I made few suicide attempts. I have my very first panic attack, very violent. I’m confused? But I’m fine. I cut myself for the first time.

December 2011. I get my second surgery. At the age of 15, I have to learn again how to stand, sit and walk. My body feels even less like mine, everything hurts and I spend most of my days on codeine and morphine to ease the pain. I stay two weeks at the hospital and I’m sent back home with the authorization to go back to school. I couldn’t stand or sit for long. To this day, I cannot sit, walk or stand for long, sometimes even laying down is painful. From disabled with a deformity to disabled but without the deformity. I have a huge scar going through all my back. I hate it.

2012. I get my cat Tacos Mozart and I will explode the world for him.

From here there is a huge gap of memories.

2015. I come out to my mom in the car. “Mom, I’m a boy.” to which she just “Okay but are you still going to pay McDonald’s?”. I start more officially my quest on “how to become a boy”. I find the term transgender. I don’t like it (for me) but I use it because that’s the only way I have to explain myself. The guy I’m dating at the time supports me (too bad he will cheat on me later haha), so it makes me feel confident. I get a LOT of refusal from many psychiatrists. In the meanwhile, I made even more suicide attempts and survive, get a therapist who will make me hate therapy and a psychiatrist who will basically tell me to go fuck myself. I leave the therapy center where I was crying of anger, frustration and more.

2016. Awful year, and yet, I survived????? @linkedsoul and I start to date I THINK?? because we actually don’t know?? when?? how?? , which is by far the best thing that ever happened to me tbh. Despite living in the same house than I, my father stops talking to me.

2017. I get myself a job at L#sh at the end of the year. First job where I am respected as a man, called as so... unless the customers call me a woman. No one corrects them. They let it flow. I have an awful manager but hey, that’s work. I see @borderline-rat in the shop one day and decide that he will be my friend. I manage to befriend him and now he’s stuck with me FOREVER. Good luck you bitch >:) for the first time in my life, I live alone (for 3 months).

2018. After years of psychological abuse and manipulation and after drying my mother’s bank account, my father kicks us out of the house. We are homeless haha. My mom and I end up living at my aunt’s for a while. My mom realizes that my father used her for so many things and start to heal. I start T. My depression get worst. I’m introduced to Jerome to who I say in our very first meeting “French dicks are ugly.” and with that he became my therapist.

2019. We find a new home. I get a new cat. I get diagnosed with bipolarity and PTSD. I start meds. My meds want me dead twice. I go so often to the clinic that the staff knows me lol I get my first tattoo in December. I’m slowly very very babily starting to heal. A brand offers me to work with them and I say no. Fuck u. I tattoo.

2020. I get my boobs off my chest with @borderline-rat . My kitten stinks like hell. My meds sorta work. I’m doing better. I have 26 tattoos or so? and at least 3 more coming soon.

I’m not a good person at all, but I’m kind because of what happened to me, I’d say—

Edit: I can’t find when but whenever I met @mother-of-all-monsters shaped me as a person because this fucking moron is my best friend for who I’d roll over a grandma if it was needed

[miriyos]

a long rant.

so even prior to covid i really started to hate my job and i was really struggling mentally with it. i’m / was an rbt (behavioral therapist) who worked with autistic kids during early intervention. most of our clients were in the 2-5 yr/old range. around month 5 or so working there, my cousin passed away suddenly and that made the job even harder because little things, all of a sudden, could just remind me of her and set me off into a crying fit without meaning to. and like most things, the more you don’t wanna think about a thing and the harder you try not to think about the thing, the more you think about the thing.

anyway, now i'm trying to imagine what's next after covid, and i really can't go back. and the thing about that is that i understand not going back to work is not the best option to choose. but i also was starting to get increased anxiety and was starting to feel depressed again - because i hated myself for how much i hated a job that actually did treat me well, pay me well, and give me good benefits. i felt terrible knowing that i found a good place to be and wanted to walk away from it - since, overall, i did really like it there but the type of work that i had to do as an rbt just isn't something i have the overall passion for. 

and so obviously my intent, a couple months ago was to find another job and then give my two weeks. that way i would go from one job to the other directly without having to really worry about a lapse in medical insurance and payment. and i got a few emails back or calls back that i was being considered, but then all hiring processes for the places that i was looking for suspended hiring because of covid.

and it kills me knowing that my mom would much prefer that i go back - and really, i understand and i wish i could go back too, but i just don't think i can last another 6-8 uncertain months, depending on the job market. it really drained me having to work with kids who i have to worry about hitting, kicking, spitting, biting, and cleaning up pee. which - i loved the kids. really. but i didn't love those sides about the job which are inevitable when you work with autistic kids on the early intervention phase. 

and so i'm trying to tell her this - and it makes me cry because that's how conflicted i am about knowing i don't want to go back this badly, and how much this job - even the thought of it - stresses me out, and she tells me to stop being emotional. and yeah there are probably some things that i could have talked to them at work about to see if improvements could have been made, but those things are just part of the job. and some of the things that drive me crazy and make me anxious aren't necessarily their fault. and i know that to an extent my anxiety is irrational, but not all anxiety comes from a rational place.

my job can't predict when parents won't call out or call out their kids 5 minutes before their appointment. and they can't totally be for blame for their disorganization when they need a bigger office and they don't have the staff. they worked on getting a secretary but of course that was right before covid. and i just really hate and it makes me even more upset that some of the things she says - even if it isn't intended - are phrased like i don't understand. like i just plan on hopping job to job every six months whenever something i don't like happens. and the worst model is that i did quit my first job.

it was bare minimum wage, and i was supposed to be part time, but we were so short handed at some point that i was working 40+ hours - that weren't even scheduled. i'd be on the clock, they'd see they were short handed, and have me stay later. then i was being asked to come in earlier and earlier. and it was a mess. i wasn't getting my mandated break until a half hour before i had to leave to go home sometimes because the morning shift manager wouldn't tell the afternoon shift manager that i wasn't breaked yet. 

it was absolutely terrible, and i felt really torn up about leaving that job too. because i don't like to quit, i wasn't raised with the mentality or privilege to just quit, and i understand the consequences of my actions. but i did quit, because that was really running me ragged too - but for different reasons. 

and when she brings that up in an argument as if i don't get it - as if i don't remember it drives  me crazy. especially in the context that a professional job and my first job while in college are equal.

plus her mentioning that it seemed like i wasn't taking looking for a job seriously after i got home from college. i tried my best. there's only so many places you can apply to that are professional within the field i wanted, and even then, if i was denied the first time - most places have a three month period before you can apply there again. 

so no. i wasn't just slacking. maybe i could've driven myself all around and dropped off my resume, but people give a lot of conflicting advice on whether that's actually a good idea. people tend to air on the side of "it interrupts their day, so probably don't." so a lot of the time i didn't. but i tried to follow up with them electronically, at least.

so she can apologize all she wants, but i just hate that i don't think she gets that even if i can say easily that i want to quit - it isn't the same as me accepting easily that this is what i'm going to do, or what i want to do. there's still a part of me that dreadfully is willing to go back because i know that that will erase this entire conversation 

and this wasn't a recent decision either. i've been thinking about leaving my job since prior to covid. since maybe early march, when things weren't so bad. we heard that some people were going crazy over hoarding toilet paper, and back then it was kinda comical because it was hard to understand how people thought 2 weeks in self-quarantine could warrant that much tp. 

and maybe even prior to march i wanted to leave, but i was still going in with the mentality of sticking it out for an entire year - or as close as i could get to it before my certification had to be renewed. because i definitely went into it knowing that it would be a difficult job, and i knew there were certain parts that mentally and physically exhausted me, but i liked the people there and overall, i liked the kids - but it got to a certain point where mentally, the rewards i got from it weren't enough to refresh the parts of me that were tired. 

and if i did wanna leave prior to march, i definitely didn't say anything about it. because i didn't want my parents to know that i was contemplating leaving an otherwise good company. i didn't want to hear arguments or hear that they were disappointed or hear that they wanted me to stay - because obviously those were things i was feeling about myself, and i didn't need an extra voice to tell me to stick it out when that was what a strong part of me already intended on doing.

but it gets to the point where mentally i see myself getting in an exhausted place again. where i pass out as soon as i get home at 6pm and i hate the thought of even going in. and then it becomes a very cyclical dark place that's hard to escape. 

i hate my job, but i need my job, so i go in. something bad happens, makes me hate my job even more. i think about how much i need my job, and i hate myself for wanting to leave it, then i go home. i wake up in the morning, need to go to work. but i hate work. i go to work, feel numb for being there. maybe something good happens, but then something bad happens. i get through work, go home, feel tired. pass out, maybe. tell myself i still need my job, it's not that bad. the company is nice, the people are nice. i can make it another six months. go to bed, get up for work again, rinse and repeat. 

i can't do that for another six months. and i don't get how people can continue working at a place that clearly makes them miserable for a paycheck. i wanted to find another job but where i want to work for experience are places that are currently closed. 

if i wanted an easily acquirable job - i could've found one, but i didn't want another bare minimum, minimum wage food service job. and my parents didn't want me working at one of those jobs either - so i looked for something professional and it took me six months. that didn't make me happy either. made me feel depressed. made me think about how stupid i was for not taking the gre earlier and going into grad school despite not knowing what i wanted to go into grad school for - but at least it would've been something, and i wouldn't have been sitting around at home for so long thinking that i just wasted 4 years of my time not knowing what i wanted to do immediately after getting out.

am i actually mad? no. 

but i do wish that to a greater extent it would feel like her saying that she supported my decision felt more genuine. because i've never been raised with the mentality of just quitting whenever - and i've never been told that i can just do what i want, to hell with consequences or responsibility. 

and it's one thing to say that she never intended for me to worry about certain financial things - but by saying it repeatedly, i am going to worry about it at some point. and frankly, one reason why i thought i was going to try to stick it out until i found another job to replace my current one was for medical insurance reasons. because even though bill-wise she would never have me really pay for anything, i still know that that's one less bill she would have to worry about, and me having my own insurance helped a lot even if it was one thing. 

but i was getting to the point of being more anxious and more depressed while employed than when i was when i was sitting at home for six months hoping someone would call me back. because having a job was ultimately making me hate myself so much more than i ever did hate myself - because i had it really good and i wanted to walk away from it

[ibatronic]

Still Alive...

BEFORE YOU READ!

The following does get really personal, so please read (if you so choose) with an open heart and genuine sense of compassion and sensitivity. It's also many things I've wanted to get off my chest for ages. The following will also explain my mood in the past two journals I made. It does end on a lighter note, I promise.

It's been ages since I've posted anything online, let alone anything here... Remember months ago, when I had posted a journal about the slump I was feeling and then posted an artwork of me… slump drawing? There’s more beyond me simply losing motivation to make more art. And a few of you might have noticed I posted a rather… shocking status update in which I threatened suicide. Following that post, a lot of the unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I believed were gone came back to haunt me. Additionally, many things in my past came back to haunt me, prompting me to go soul searching and try to better myself.

For those not in-the-know, I have been suffering from clinical and manic depression for about the past 6 years. Speaking in real-life timeline, back in the 6 years, I remember that it started with my severe trouble making friends, communicating with others socially, and trying to fit in with others. My depression wasn’t just caused by my low turnout in the friends department, but also because I'd never truly felt loved by anyone… not even myself. As I grew up, I had no friends all throughout middle school and no friends all throughout high school, and then came to terms with the fact that I have no friends at ALL! Things like having no friends really did have an effect on me… I gave friendship and putting myself out there an earnest try, but after the many times I got hurt and betrayed, that was the end of it for me.  People like myself who are alone usually spend their time practicing something they like, in my case being my art, writing, and studying. From other sources and from my own experience, it helps to be noticed for your talents and interest. This pretty much tied into, if you’d notice, why I was actively moping around DA Forums grousing on why my work doesn’t get as much attention as I’d hoped or why those that are recognized do get it. Sometimes, I feel annoyed that noone cares about my work, not even my relatives. My original work. Like, on DeviantArt, I recall fan-art and fan-artists get tons of favorites on their work. While the highest I've ever gotten was 11. I've put hours, days, and sometimes weeks into these and noone cares. And it's mostly criticism that doesn't even make sense. I just want to tell them how hard it is to make the art, but showing people who aren't interested in the hobby will just make them annoyed about it. Everyone is expecting a @$%^ing anime master from every artist and I just don't get it. Some of the time people will make annoying re-colors to get the respect and attention they want, but they do get both of those things in the end. Mostly, how it goes is: A person will make a rather undeveloped character. Then, they will take someone else's artwork and color in their character. Then they will claim it as their own. Then, they will get hate and attention. The person will 'cry' over it and say that they are going to leave that site. People will feel bad for that person, make the person fan art, subscribe to or watch them or whatever, and the person will be filthy-famous and have tons of friends in the end, even though they didn't do jack @$%^! Or they just stoop so low just to get-rich-quick. Argh! I just don't get it any more! I try to hard making quality animation, art, videos, but no one cares what so ever!

I’ve had nobody.  Nobody cared about me.  Going this long without someone besides therapists to confide in, or someone to comfort you or share their likes and dislikes with could really mess you up...

An ordinary day for me back in high school that I rarely overlook, was my recurring plight when it came to being around others. For the majority of my life, I had been nothing but an outcast to people my own age, I never fit in with them since they never truly accepted me as their friend. From what I can remember, each year, I was either on my own or hung out with a group of kids as they talked amongst themselves while I just remained silent. And each year, I make the mistake of even having the tiniest bit of optimism that things just might be different. Having been alone and neglected for a long time, I spent every day seeing what it felt like to be going through what I think are quite possibly the worst years of my adolescent life, with my best and only friend gone (he moved), while I was stuck amongst people whom I felt care very little about me. Now, I’m by myself and with some content. Everyday I would go through the same routine—morning academic classes, lunch break, after classes, dismissal—counting the hours as they go by. For kids that suffered from anxiety or depression, like me, they were sent to the Social Work team where they can vent out their problems and try to uncover any solution or coping mechanism to get by the school year. For me, it might've been a different story because ever since my depression started, I received little check-ins from anyone, not even my own parents, relatives, or any old friends I once had (ones that I talked to in elementary or middle school that won’t talk to me anymore). Most of the time in school, I refused to show any emotion, trying to keep them all bottled up as I go through eight hours by hours while the other students talk amongst themselves and don't pay attention to me.

In life, I find what it is like to be in complete isolation, triggering memories of how I had endured loneliness in my childhood and used to be the timid, awkward, and sullen oddball, knowing that there is noone around to brighten my day, only the sound of other kids talking amongst themselves and having fun much to my envy is all I can hear. On one night as I walked home, I realized that I am really alone, having no idea where my life is going at that rate, or if there is someone out there who really cares about me because not a lot of people have spoken to me for a while ever since I became a high school student years back and regret not getting in much contact with them to see how things were. Plus, my closest relatives, such as my parents and brother are not really much help in my condition. As much as I try to talk to them, I don't get the feeling that they truly understand. The way they respond whenever I attempt to console to them is very dismissive and inconsiderate, further supporting my belief that not even they care about me. In the time I'd wrote this, I swore off telling them any ounce of my problems, as if they would actually care...

Even worse was enduring bullying and abuse from other students that triggered bad memories of what caused me not to be so trusting of others. And, I could not fight back against them all that much, doing nothing other than reacting, glaring, snarking, or giving the occasional finger, which wouldn't last long as I am often overpowered by their popularity, dominance, and miraculous ways of getting reactions out of me. Unless I were lucky to find some kind of way of hitting them. There were some days which ended with me getting sent to the principal’s office in order to acknowledge my mental illness with the staff, not to mention what feelings of trauma I get whenever I’m bullied or harassed by some dastardly kid. Sometimes after the bullying, I would have meltdowns or end up running back to my haven so nobody can see my silent (nonexistent) tears of regret and sorrow, even ignoring whatever pains those bullies left on my heart and body. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I can no longer bottle up my emotions, yet now I refuse to show it in front of others and would rather do it alone in my haven so I can be on to do so freely. The only words I can whisper to myself is “I hate myself…” This is also the case for cyberbullies and predators I've fallen victim of in the past—people have anonymously been mean and hurtful to me, and what's worse is that I REALLY cannot do anything about it besides reporting, especially for pedophiles who have managed to lead me on in the past and take advantage of my open wounds just to get an easy nail... Speaking of bullying, I think it's safe to assume that I'd also sufferred the same at the hands of my own father! In the past, and during my childhood, he would abuse me by striking me every time I screwed something up, even if it was a minor or honest mistake. Being both verbally and physically abusive, I can't exactly say I felt truly safe when around him in hindsight, worrying that one slip-up in front of him could result in another clean bruise on my body. Recently, I recall my father once barging into my room at night while I was asleep and interrogating me about some sort of misunderstanding with his credit card and certain online marketing website. Instead of actually filling me in on what happened or what was going on, he would yell me these questions with no fathomable context whatsoever. Even worse was that initially I was suffering from sleep inertia, so I definitely couldn't quite catch on quickly. Eventually, things led to things, and a heated argument erupted between us, prompting us to get into a shouting match and for me to release all my pent up anger on him, even getting physical and delivering a few blows to him thus further angering him. The incident left me with mixed emotions of confusion, sadness, trauma, and all topped with insomnia since I could not go to sleep for the rest of the night. The things he said to me during all this made assured me that he definitely didn't care about me, and that I was expendable just like all his other abandoned love-children... The feelings, it burns. It is when nobody says happy birthday. It is when family members say they love me yet don't show it. They don't know how to love me, and that is the same as not loving me. It is being alone at lunch. It is being alone and lonely all the time. It is spending hours online finding out how others managed to cope with the stinging feeling I get before I go to bed when my head starts spinning with all the evil truths that nobody cares about me. Sure, some may say they do, but who wants to listen to me talk about my passions? Who wants to help me out? Nobody... Nobody even wants to take time out of their day to spend it with me. It's reading books on how to make friends. It's moping for hours wondering why nobody even likes me, much less loves me. It's changing appearances and attitudes only to be rejected and alone and remain unloved. It's questioning who I am entirely, it's masking who I am and changing who I am and feeling like I'm crazy. It's wishing I could be okay with the fact that nobody loves me but it still feels like a hot hand gripping my throat and a heavy weight on my chest. It's replaying every comment in my head over and over. It's terrible, I can't talk with anyone about it because nobody cares. It hurts, God it hurts!

There was one thing during my time in high school that I could confide in, besides art and drawing…

Back in mid-2015, I remember working hard on a series called “Tails for Hire”; one that parodied the already-parody, Sonic for Hire. With the help of an online ally from Kentucky, I was able to finish it and upload it to YouTube that summer. At the time, my YouTube channel was nothing but cobwebs of old, rather second-rate videos. That was until the first episode of Tails for Hire was released. To my surprise, it garnered over 5,000 views the first week it was uploaded, and I was blown away by the good responses and relatively fair criticism. For the first time, I felt… significant! In retrospect, I realize that what lifted my spirits seeing the comments on my TFH videos was the fact that I had some company. Afterwards, my partner for the video, Tales499 and I talked fairly often, I made another (now former) friend on Skype from Norway, I had so many notifications of comments on the videos. I didn’t feel so alone during all this. I guess I wanted people to talk to and share my feelings with in order to quell my loneliness and compensate for my lack of friendships. I’ll admit, the internet was harsh at times with me, but I learn over the years (and now), that it’s a way of helping you grow thicker skin. This all might explain why I felt the yearning desire for popularity on different social media platforms. Though, I have to admit it does sound rather pathetic for me to console to people behind screens instead of face-to-face.

As some of you who know me from my YouTube channel, you’ll know that Tails for Hire is currently on an undeterminably long hiatus, as of June 2016. Currently, no return date was thought of, but don’t fret, one day… ONE DAY, Tails for Hire will return… At this point the hiatus is more of a hibernation.

Months later, after I finally graduated high school, leaving behind the four years of emotional torture I had endured, I was ready to head to university! Or at least, I thought…

I won’t get too deep into the details of what happened there, but I will say this—everything that I struggled with in my early-to-mid adolescence came to haunt me in university as if I was cursed. No matter how hard I tried to suck it up, I didn’t make any real friends or meaningful relationships in university. When I noticed all the other students at the school, I felt generally inadequate—it reminded me of all things that others are better at and how I'm don't have anything to offer anyone. At the end of December 2018, some of you might recall me making a status update on DeviantArt of me contemplating suicide, and that if I don’t post anything the next year, I might have actually gone with it… Few of you showed your concern… But, while I did appreciate it, I felt that people will only care when it’s too late… I’m sorry if I scared or confused some of you. If I EVER feel suicidal again, I’ll see it that seek immediate help.

Short story—public Safety, many counsellors, my roommates, and one of the deans had come to me saying how worried they were about my well-being after hearing reports of me acting strange and making suicidal remarks. This also ties into the fact that the way I've been feeling has caused me to occasionally miss some of my classes, not be able to focus well, and worst of all... develop some suicidal thoughts... I even explicitly fantasized of jumping off a roof or a window to kill myself! I'm sorry if all this info came up out of nowhere. Eventually, the Dean highly recommended that I be put on medical leave until it is decided that I'm fit to come back to campus. I wasn't too fond of the idea given that I worked so hard in coming to this school and at least tough my way through the first semester. But apparently, it's for the best... When others ask why I would even think to kill myself, the only overarching reason I can give is "I'm worthless!" When people notice that I've been OK for few days or acting normal, it's just that I've been manic. When I look at others, I always think of the things I can't do! I'm an artist who can even get noticed, I'm a guy who has never had many friendships that lasted long, I'm a wimp who can't work up the courage to confront others, I'm a university student on medical leave! All of these things and then some are what trigger thoughts of how my life is a joke! But somehow, during those times when I contemplated suicide, I actually felt free! Almost giddy, and that I could finally kiss this worthless life good-bye!

At the moment, I’m going through professional help and trying to keep myself busy during my downtime. Part of me says there’s no hope me, but part me says one day, I’ll be back to my old, wholesomely manic self again. Step by step… it just might happen.

Lately, I’ve tried to get back into the passions I once enjoyed, get the ideas I’ve had out there as if someone would want to see them. But, I still struggle in finding the motivation thinking of the very disheartening outcomes—low viewership, negative or no feedback, or just not feeling happy with the finished product. I sometimes look at my art and wonder if I can do better or it's good enough. I'm turned between both sides on that case, mainly because I don't have anyone else to share with me their well-thought-out opinions, instead of one-word comments or notifications where someone simply favorites something. Mostly due to my depression, almost everything I do in life seems meaningless. Because that's how depression works! No matter how good I (supposedly) am, I don't remember the good things about myself, I just over exaggerate the terrible stuff about me and it becomes who I am in my mind. No matter what I do, I'm not good enough for myself... But no, my fear of death and it being a one-way ticket are what stop me... I try to figure out what I have to live for and what ideas I have to share. It's really hard, given how I compare myself to others and how much success they've achieved besides me, and the negative thoughts are what cloud my mind no matter how hard I try to clear them. Then there's the days where I feel unimportant or under appreciated, as if I make no difference by staying alive. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world and that noone can stop me, and other and most days I feel nothing but pain. During those good days, I find myself surrounded by people who seem to care and be interested in me, but soon after the feeling wears off, and I just don't know why! In the time, I've written this, I've been feeling really low, as if noone would even care or bother to read this or be concerned with how I'm feeling. But as I finish and sign off... I kinda feel like a huge weight was lifted off of me. It felt good for me to let it all out, even if it is just typing it out. (Sigh)... If you've made it this far in reading the journal, thank you for reading and hopefully understanding. Once again, I'm sorry if this seemed overly dramatic, self-indulgent or just really heavy. But like I said, this was for me to get some of that heavy weight off me. Throughout half of this year, everything that has happened was really just too much to explain, too much to handle, too traumatically stressing, and generally just heavy... which is why I needed time off... Again, thank you for reading...

[auk-blogs]

Shitty things that happened when I last went inpatient

At the CSU, I was denied access to my fidget toys (I am autistic AND ADHD) even though I specifically picked out ones that couldn't possibly be harmful - a stuffed animal, a Tangle, a glitter tube, etc.

Every time I tried to inform the nurses at the nurse's station that I was feeling extremely anxious, IF I got their attention at all they would just tell me that "there's colouring pages and puzzles in the dayroom" like. No?? I actually wanted some kind of medication mayhaps a sedative because I was going fucking NUTS

I was denied my ADHD pill, Vyvanse, because and I quote directly, I wasn't "working or studying or anything." No. That's not how it works. I needed that pill in order to think in a coherent manner for more than 2 seconds.

Actually the denial of my Vyvanse might be why I was so goddamn anxious? YOU try not getting anxious when your thoughts are all over the place and just keep getting faster and faster.

The other patients kept playing horribly bloody, violent, and graphic movies. Like WHY do you even HAVE a DVD that has a scene where a pirate has to do abdominal surgery on himself with no anaesthetic?? That's just. That's just pure Trigger(TM) on a shiny DVD.

There was this ONE FUCKING PATIENT. Cheri. I will hate Cheri until the day I die. She managed to always get ahead of me in her wheelchair and she would sit and simper with her watery eyes and her wobbling lip and her wringing hands and this horrible look in her eyes... The nurses always paid more attention to Cheri than me even though I was fucking articulating that HEY I NEED HELP FOR (X) THING and Cheri refused to speak.

Sweater Guy turned my room's light off in the middle of the night. I was insomniac and reading. And also the only patient in my room. Sure it's not a crime or anything but it's really fucking annoying. I wasn't bothering anyone, why not just let me read my book in peace?

For a while the only time I saw the therapist was as she was speedwalking down the hallway to leave for the day every evening. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

It wasn't until I finally snapped and told them that I had figured out at least 3 ways to attempt aliven't on that ward that they finally realised that yes, I DID NEED SOME ACTUAL FUCKING HELP.

The CSU led me to believe that the next place I was going to was going to be a long term facility. I took that to mean at least a month if not more. I was ready to finally get some serious help that I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET SINCE THE END OF 2016.

The CSU had a max stay of about 3 days, btw.

Well I got to Peninsula and it turns out that "long term facility" means 5 to 7 day stay. So... Not what I was led to believe.

I was strip searched, I believe is the term. Yes, I was forced to strip pretty much naked to confirm that I wasn't bringing any contraband on my person (despite me checking in voluntarily).

Like I've related before, I was "relieved of" my comfort items - my hardcover journal, some books, and my drawings. The journal and drawings in particular had content I wanted to share with the therapist(s) at Pinensula and I never got to.

When I got anxious about not having my journal/comfort item back, the staff were very apathetic to my literal BEGGING and just basically told me to suck it up and deal with it.

For some reason hardcover books were contraband?? Like what was I gon do, give someone a whack on the head? Anyway they offered me a composition book BUT IT WASN'T MYYYY JOURNAL and as any autistic knows one cannot simply replace a comfort item with a lower quality replacement.

When I, AUK, got too anxious and overwhelmed to deal anymore - Lizzie took over and threw a massive fit. We don't think we got chemically sedated, but we did get hoodwinked into going to a more "secure" ward and then when Lizzie was still pissed off, they manhandled us into a "blank room."

In the new ward, I was relieved of my clothes, my slippers, and pretty much what was left of my dignity. I was made to wear paper scrubs instead of proper clothes.

If I wanted to use the toilet or shower, a nurse would sit at the door with it propped open watching every move I made. No privacy. I eventually only used the bathroom once every morning and only showered once while I was at that ward.

The medication lady (unsure of her status - nurse? Doctor? Idk) refused to keep weaning me off my Lexapro and instead yanked me off it entirely. I'd been on Lexapro for a good while and uh. Ever hear of SSRI withdrawal? It is HORRIBLE. I still think she was totally unprofessional about that and should have fucking known better.

I am overly sensitive to sound and nobody would turn the fucking radio off. (All it played was Christmas music, too. *shudder*)

When I asked for more food, I never got it. I was so freaking hungry by the time I was released.

I'm pretty sure that the coffee was decaf because I got out into the world again and suddenly couldn't handle even half-caf. That means that the nurses were openly lying about the caffeine content - they repeatedly said it was full caffeine coffee.

There were supposed to be groups on that unit but like ...none ever happened? It was like the staff were so busy doing stuff that I couldn't see, that they didn't have time to do their jobs with the patients.

Did I mention that the manhandling left bruises? On my upper arms and also my right buttock from where the men forced me to sit down with all 200 lbs of me onto a concrete floor. Ouchies.

On my discharge notes, somebody wrote a note telling me to stop taking my birth control (which I take to regulate horribly heavy and long periods, not because I am sexually active). The discontinuation of the birth control was never verbalised to me. Never. Not once. There wasn't even an explanation in the note either.

Pinensula put me on what they said was an anti anxiety script but I looked it up and it's actually an antipsychotic. So if you go tell someone that you're anxious, you're psychotic? Like. What? (I understand medications can be used for more than one purpose. But I've been consistently prescribed meds that don't match with my self reported symptoms, and even meds that aren't MEANT to be used for the purpose they were prescribed to me for.)

I got so overstimulated while on the unit that I begged for earplugs. They didn't help at all, even when I combined them with a pillow over my head too. And then they went and turned the radio LOUDER.

(Although not relevant to me, there was this one patient who went ballistic over a hair being on her unpeeled orange ... She had been fiddling with her hair right before eating and she was the only one with that hair texture and colour on the unit... Yeah she threw a fit because she got one of her hairs on her unpeeled orange. Sigh.)

Did I mention that both the CSU and Peninsula are mostly for detoxing people? They just throw detoxing addicts and people who are having purely mental health problems in together. It is a bad system, because people like me who just need mental health support are often triggered by the detoxing addicts, and we get ignored by staff because the detoxing addicts are a higher priority I guess? They're certainly more dramatic.

My mum later told me that she was told that I was likely to be released early because I was "cooperative." Of fucking course I'm cooperative you absolute nitwits, I checked in voluntarily because I've been suicidal for like 16 years and I want some fuckin HELP

My mum tried to bring me a small stuffed dragon as a birthday present (yes, I was inpatient on my birthday). The stuffed toy was not allowed through because it was contraband. FUCKING HOW IS A LITTLE PLUSH DRAGON CONTRABAND? Mum articulated her distress as somethinf like "I just wanted to bring my autistic spawn something stimmy on their birthday" like fucking hell man, don't ever go inpatient if you are neurodivergent because they sure as hell won't allow you to have any coping mechanisms that aren't staying quiet, staring at nothing, and using dried up markers on a badly designed colouring page.

Anyway sorry this got so long. There's probably even more stuff that I forgot about.

Storal of the mory is don't go inpatient in Southeastern Tennessee, kids. You might be fucked up now but they will definitely fuck you up worse.

[dreamperior]

NCT Dream as Modern Day Heroes

A/N:  These will most likely be highly inaccurate because I myself am still a student, so I have no clue what any of these jobs entail, so apologies in advance.

Mark - Policeman

this child would be all for justice

most respected policeman both in the station and around the town

will often bring in treats for his colleagues 

“you looked sad about your recent case, so hopefully this will help”

takes the time to get to know the people in the area

knows all the older members of the area

“oh, Mark, don’t overwork yourself”  “i won’t, Bertha!”

lies

he overworks himself too much

tries to get a place in every case

at the start, his colleagues were annoyed, because they thought he was trying to take all the cases for himself

they warmed up to him once they realised that he just wants to help as many people as he can

often sent home by his boss to properly rest

every time he fails on a case (which isn’t often), he goes in an emotional slump

at these moments his colleagues go into full mother mode

at least 10 different people gave him a glass of water

10 others got him various selections of food

40 others took the time to give him motivational words of wisdom

by the end of the day, he’d end up feeling better with himself

Renjun - Doctor

wanted to be a doctor from a young age

at the age of 4 he broke his leg, so he had to stay in the hospital for a while

whilst he was laying there, bored, he saw doctors rushing around and telling patients about successful operations

watched them in awe as the patient’s family instantly brightened at good news

“who’s he?” “a doctor, Renjun.”  “I wanna be a doctor when I’m older!”  “ok, Renjun”

originally, his mum thought it was just a dream of a little 4 year old, but she was extremely proud whenever Renjun decided to actually follow said dream

class work was always taxing, but each time he’d put in 100% effort

he was driven

often pulled all-nighters to finish projects

always studied, even while eating

after many years of classes, he was now able to become a doctor

at the start he was awkward with the hospital staff, but he easily warmed up to them

was know by patients and staff alike, to be one of the most successful doctors in the hospital

anytime a patient saw that they had Renjun as a doctor, they felt blessed

was dedicated to his work

didn’t mind covering shifts, as it meant he was able to save more lives

was often denied the extra shifts, though, since the staff worried for his health

“Renjun, no, you already work too many hours”  “But Jaehyun-”  “No.”

spends the majority of his days off sleeping

anytime a surgery fails, he spends an hour letting it all out, then continues with his work

all in all, he loved his job 

Jeno - Fireman

he’d be the stereotypical fire fighter

saving cats from trees?

SIGN HIM UP

anytime there was a call about a cat, he’d beg to be the one to save it

unless he was doing a job concerning a fire

would be sneezing the entire time, but allergies would not stop him from being with the catto

“sir, can i have my cat back now?”

in all seriousness, he was extremely passionate about his job

would constantly check if everyone is out

“Are you sure, you don’t have another relative in there?”

Anytime someone tells him that there’s still another person or animal in the house, he instantly runs in

he doesn’t even consult the other fire fighters there, he just instantly runs in

was once flirted with by someone who drunkenly set their home on fire while making pasta

“aren’t you handsome?” “sir, your house is on fire”  “such a strong man”

won the ‘fire fighter with the best smile’ award 5 years in a row

also the most handsome award

would be sure to be close with all the other fire fighters

any free time would be spent having friendly banter

anytime a colleague of his didn’t have their lunch, he would immediately give them his own lunch 

“but Jeno what about you?” “I’ll just order something.” “But Je-” “eAT”

was literally made for a job like this

Haechan - Therapist

originally wanted to become a vet

but then his friend went through a rough patch in their life

he was annoyed that he was unable to think of any way to help

when it was over, he was extremely thankful to the therapist that helped

he saw the therapist as a hero that was able to help his friend through a rough patch of his life

from then on he quit graphic design and switched to training to be a therapist

while it wasn’t as creative as an occupation, he would never change his mind

originally sessions would start off bumpy, but after a while, he and his patient would warm up to each other

he would pay close attention to making sure that his patient is as comfortable with him as they can be

would often have a basket of treats out on a table for the patient to help themselves to

if he knew that a specific patient was coming, he’d be sure to prepare them their favourite foods

would have his room decorated to seem homely and comforting

when he first got the job he spent the entire night searching for things to put in the room

“should I get the cute cushion  or the comfortable cushion?”  “Donghyuck go to sleep” “Why won’t you help?  Do you not care?”  “IT’S 4AM”

he went for the comfortable one

googles : what colours are comforting

has a bookshelf filled with inspirational quotes

as well as Milk and Vine

his patients love him and he loves them back uwu

Jaemin - Nurse

the friendliest nurse ever

accidentally flirts with the patients

he doesn’t even notice

“hey jaemin, there’s this nurse and i think he’s trying to flirt with me”  “really?? who?? spill, honey!”  “...wow”

the patients all love him

the doctors and other nurses do too

everyone loves him

everyone loves Jaemin, no printer, just fax

once a patient was feeling loopy due to medicine, so he just smiled fondly as he listened to them rambling about vines

“and tHEY WERE ROOMMATES”

a rude member of a patient’s family insulted him once and the entire hospital staff was ready to throw hands

once a nursing aide neglected their duties and Jaemin was annoyed to say the least

he gave the nursing aide an hour long lecture about the consequences of neglecting their duties

there’s never been another issue with nursing aides since

so while Jaemin is the most loved

he’s also low-key the one most people are scared of

is sad when giving the patient medication

he just wants them to be healed quickly without medication

he’s highly aware of what certain medications can do, so when he gives medications with effects, he gets even more sad

but a single smile from a patient will instantly brighten his day

after learning this, every patient has been trying to smile at any moment they can, to reassure Jaemin and to make him feel happy.

Chenle - Teacher 

when i saw a teacher as one of my chosen options i instantly thought of Chenle

i feel like he’d be a primary/elementary school teacher

he’d prefer to work with the younger classes

LOVES CHILDREN

would constantly be thinking of new activities to do with his students

anytime a student would say something incorrectly he’d have the fONDEST smile

so many smol children have crushes on him

“Mr. Zhong loves me!” “No, he loves me!” “sHUT UP, JESSICA HE LOVES ME”

he’d have a system, where if someone did something good, he’d give them a gold star and the pupil with the most gold stars by the end of the week would get a treat

the treats would range from stationary to sweets

would have weekly spelling tests

you’d get as many stars as words spelt correctly in the spelling test

had time every Friday where they’d just play games

everyone loved music as they got to listen to Chenle play piano while singing

“this song is totally about me”  “why woul-”  “SHUT UP, JESSICA”

he knows how much people hate monday, so he’d be sure to start the day with an hour of colouring

he’d be sure to go to every pupil and compliment them on their work, finding the best parts of it instantly

the pupils used to debate on which teachers were the best, but once Chenle came to the school it was a unanimous decision that he was the best

Jisung -  Singer

before you go “wow a singer isn’t a hero” lISTEN OUT

his songs all centre around how one should love themselves more

he’s told fans that he will no longer accept any gifts, he’d prefer that they use their money to donate, or to aid their own lives

he often donates to various causes, due to the goodness of his own heart

he annually donates blood to the hospital in his hometown 

he’s also donated some organs to those who need them

he volunteers at orphanages and old people’s homes when he can

always feels broken-hearted when he sees the children in the orphanages

already plans to adopt children when he’s older

a big supporter of LGBTQA+

dedicated an entire album to LGBTQA+ and donated all the money earned to LGBTQA+ support centres 

has one of the sweetest fanbases 

these fans follow in their idol’s footsteps

everytime it’s Jisung’s birthday, donations soar through the roof

‘Jisung Birthday Projects’ involve donating to local shelters, orphanages, hospitals, support centres etc

after every ‘Jisung birthday project’ he personally writes a heart and thanks filled message on all of his social medias to his fans

at every fansign he takes the time to thank every one of his fans for the donations and for also going to his events, as the events themselves had a set percentage going to local hospitals, orphanages etc.

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

Back to the Start, part 3

All for the Game/The Foxhole Court, post canon.  More hospitalized adventures. Read Part 1.   Part 2.   Can also check out on AO3.

Neil missed the satisfaction of snapping his flip phone shut.  He was exhausted, and as much as he loved his Foxes family, having to talk to and text everyone all day wasn’t helping.  Especially since he couldn’t bring himself to tell them that Andrew still didn’t recognize him.  Wymack could obviously tell there was more to the story than Neil was letting on, but he didn’t push.  Neil had two weeks before the first game of championships to get this shit sorted out.

He stopped at the nurse’s station to ask if Andrew was allowed to have ice cream, and one of them promised to bring some with dinner.  When he reached the room he halted in the doorway; Andrew was walking around the room with the cautious support of Nancy the physical therapist.  Neil felt a grin stretch his face, then schooled his expression when Andrew noticed him.  Judging by the annoyance in those hazel eyes, he hadn’t corrected it soon enough, but he didn’t care.

When Nancy left, Kevin packed up his laptop and followed her out, grabbing Neil’s arm and dragging him into the hall.  “Andrew asked me about how we know each other.”

“What did you say?”

“The same thing the doctor told him before, basically, minus all the horrible medical details.  But he, uh, he asked about you.”

Neil felt his heart rate pick up.  “What did he ask?”

Kevin rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor.  “Um, he asked if we were together.”

That didn’t really surprise Neil; he had suspected that Andrew had been interested in Kevin at some point.  “You and him?”

“No, me and you.”

Neil laughed and Kevin flushed.  “What did you tell him?”

“What the hell do you think I told him?  Of course I said no.”  He met Neil’s eyes.  “But he was wondering.”  Kevin thumped Neil on the shoulder once.  “I’ve gotta go if I’m going to make my flight.  Talk soon?”  Neil nodded and Kevin was gone.  He wanted to talk to Andrew, to see what he was remembering, but he was already asleep.

Neil was working on the assignment his professor had emailed him when he heard a soft knock on the door and looked up to see a middle-aged man he recognized as one of Andrew’s coaches peering into the room.  Andrew hadn’t budged, so Neil got up and shooed the man back into the hallway, mostly closing the door behind them.

The coach was looking at him in consternation.  “Aren’t you Neil Josten?”

“Yes.”  Shit.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came up to help Andrew.”

“Yes, but why?”

Neil looked at him levelly.  “He has a traumatic brain injury.”

“I know, but why are you here?”

“Because he’s in the ICU, I can’t exactly help him from South Carolina.”

The man gave up.  “Well, I’d like to see him.”

“He’s sleeping, as I know you just saw.”  The coach crossed his arms and glared at him. Neil didn’t budge.  “You want me to wake him up when he’s recovering from a serious head injury?”

“What are you, his guard dog?”

Neil put on his father’s smile.  “Something like that, yes.  I’ll be happy to take your number and let you know when he’s up for visitors.”

“Aren’t you a visitor?” But the coach pulled out a small pad and jotted his number down.

“No.  I’m his guard dog, like you said.”  Neil took the piece of paper and stuffed it in his pocket.

The coach shook his head.  “I guess they weren’t lying about your attitude problem.”

“No, they weren’t.  I’ll be in touch.”

Andrew was awake when he went back in the room, and Neil wondered how much he had heard.  

“Who was that?”

Neil pulled the paper out of his pocket and squinted at the scrawl.  “Coach…Estrogen?  That can’t be right.  Estrejena.  Wow.”  He looked up at Andrew.  “I may have just ruined any chance of being signed by your team next year.”

“Was that something you wanted?”  Andrew sounded bored, which was so familiar it was almost a relief.

“I wouldn’t have minded.”  Understatement of the year, but Andrew didn’t need to know that.  “He wanted to talk to you.  Do you want me to call him back up?”

“No.  I don’t know who he is.”

“You don’t know who I am either.  Do you want me to leave?”  Say no.

Andrew looked at him impassively.  “No.  Apparently I need a guard dog.”

Neil’s answering grin was his own.

*****

Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

He was in a hospital bed, he couldn’t walk without assistance, he kept falling asleep with no warning, his right eye was twitching, he couldn’t remember more than flashes of his entire college education, and he was peeing into a bag strapped to his leg.  He could not also be falling for a pretty boy with a smart mouth and the aggression of an eight-pound terrier.

Even if said pretty boy kept looking at him like that.  Especially since he kept looking at him like that.

Anger surged, and with it a spike in the pain in his head.  He turned away, facing the wall.  How dare this strange man sit there with affection on his face?  And stand up to the medical staff and that coach and fight on Andrew’s behalf, like he actually gave a shit?  He didn’t need that, he didn’t need him.  He couldn’t need him.  Because last time…

Fuck.

A nurse interrupted, bearing a tray of food, everything soft and lukewarm and easy to chew.  There was even a paper cup of ice cream.  Andrew picked at the meal with his fingers, avoiding Neil’s gaze.  The nurse looked at him in consternation.  “Do you want help with your silverware?” she asked.

“No.”  He looked straight at her as he picked up some of the macaroni in his fingers.  She looked to Neil, so Andrew did too, out of the corner of his eye.  Neil stared back at her expressionlessly, daring her to comment again.  With an eye roll Andrew could just about hear she checked a couple of his monitoring devices and left.  He did at least use a spoon for the ice cream.

The rest of the evening was filled with doctors and nurses and then he was wheeled away for another scan of his head.  He didn’t remember the previous ones, but the noise from the machine was so loud he was pretty sure his skull was splitting along the fracture.  For once he was happy for the morphine dose he received afterwards.  Neil was reading on his phone and Andrew watched him through his lashes until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

Fuck.

*****

Once Andrew was well and truly asleep, Neil left to find food.  At some point he was going to need to head to Andrew’s apartment to shower and change, because he was getting pretty rank and he hadn’t brought clothes or toiletries or really much of anything.  He’d rather talk to Andrew about that first though, even if he didn’t know he had an apartment.

On his way back from downing what might have been the most disgusting hamburger he’d ever eaten - and that was saying something - he found Dr. Kupra just leaving Andrew’s room.  “Oh, Mr. Josten, I was looking for you.  Mr. Minyard is sleeping, but I wanted to review his scans.”  Neil nodded, and she tapped the tablet in her hand to show him the images.

There was something oddly intimate about seeing Andrew’s bones and brain in various shades of white and gray, even if Neil had no idea what he was looking at.  Dr. Kupra was patient, showing him the initial scans, then the follow up one, then this one.  Side by side, he could see the differences in the pictures and he felt a small fraction of the tension in his body ease.

“He’s doing well, the physical therapist is pleased with his status, and all indications are that he will continue to improve.  But it’s going to be a while before he can be discharged.  You may want to go home, get some real sleep.  You need to take care of you, so you can keep taking care of him.”

There must be a manual of meaningless advice medical-types had to memorize before getting their degree.  He didn’t think Dr. Kupra would be impressed with how spectacularly bad Neil was at taking care of himself, so he nodded and slunk back into the room.  As quietly as he could he gathered his messenger bag.  Before he left, he stood watching Andrew, waiting for him to wake up, to tell him to stay.  But Andrew slept on.

He didn’t know how to get to Andrew’s apartment on public transportation, so he called for a cab from the hospital lobby.  There seemed to be an excessive number of people in the pickup area, so he pulled his hood over his head and slipped unnoticed into the waiting taxi.

The driver gave him a friendly smile in the rearview mirror.  “Guess there must be a celebrity in the hospital, eh?”  He gestured to the cluster of people and Neil realized that they all had cameras.  “I wonder who.”

“No idea,” Neil said with a shrug.  “You have a busy night?”

The man accepted the redirection and chattered harmlessly, pulling up in front of the unassuming brownstone and accepting his payment with a wave.  Neil let himself into the third-floor apartment with a mixture of sadness and relief.  He hated being here without Andrew, when just a couple of days ago they had been lazily entangled on the couch.  The shower was a welcome relief, and he sank into the bed that smelled of them both and pulled Andrew’s pillow into his arms.

*****

The room was empty when Andrew woke up.  He told himself it was a good thing that Neil wasn’t there.  It was too risky to become dependent on anybody, no matter how well-meaning; nobody was strong enough for that.  He knew how much baggage he was carrying.  The problem was, he didn’t know if Neil knew, and there was no safe way to ask.

Doctor Martin came in and did her thing, asking before each step.  Oh, fuck.  The man had to know something, or he wouldn’t have ensured that; Andrew wasn’t naive enough to think this was routine.

Maybe that explained the soft expression he kept seeing on that too-pretty face.  He knew Neil had never hurt him, though if that was a gift of memory or just obvious he wasn’t sure.  Maybe Neil had a thing for lost causes.  He wouldn’t be the first who thought Andrew could be “healed,” whatever that meant.

The doctor left, and Andrew found himself craving a cigarette.  He wondered if he still smoked.  Probably not, if he was a professional athlete.  Either way it wasn’t like he could do anything about it in here.  The trapped feeling was intensifying; he should’ve asked the doctor how long he was going to be stuck here.  Then again, it wasn’t like he could apply for parole, there was nothing he could do when he still got dizzy if he stood up.

A memory surged, in full HD this time; a familiar middle-aged man with flames tattooed on his arms.  A woman, maybe his wife, with a first aid kit.  A hotel room crowded with people; Nicky and Aaron, and Kevin too, and others whose faces he knew.  And Neil…Neil was there but he was hurt, his face and arms were bandaged and his voice wracked with pain.  Don’t.  The memory faded before he knew what had happened and why, but he could still taste his old grief and guilt and fury.  He touched his wrist, half expecting handcuffs, but encountered only the soft cloth of his armbands.

Nicky had been there; he could call Nicky, and find out what - who - had broken Neil so badly.  A nurse came in with his breakfast and frowned at the monitor.  “Are you uncomfortable?”  He shook his head, barely tracking, half of him still in that dingy hotel.  “You’re due for some pain meds but I know you’re tapering down.”

“My phone,” he said.  “Can I have it?”

“Oh.”  She looked surprised by the request.  “I don’t think you came in with one, but I’ll check.  Is there something you need, someone I can contact?”  He shook his head again and she settled the tray in front of him.  “Well, I’m sure your young man will be back soon.  The night shift told me he went home to get some rest.”  She frowned again at his expression.  “Are you sure you don’t need any pain meds?”

He shook his head again; he wanted to shout that Neil wasn’t his, that he didn’t even know him.  But part of him knew that Neil preferred eating fruit over anything else; that he didn’t dance and rarely drank; that he lit cigarettes but didn’t smoke them.  His fingers knew that Neil’s body was covered in scars, the pattern of the ridges and the unnatural smoothness of them.

Curling up, he put his face in his arms and his hands registered the bandage on his head with shock.  He tried to breathe in for four, out for four, but the air caught in his throat.  Black spots were forming in front of his eyes, then someone touched his arm and he lashed out.  There was a crashing sound, and pounding feet and more voices; then hands, too many hands on him pressing him down and he was fighting, not again, not again, not again.

A voice roaring, “What the fuck is going on in here!” had everyone freezing, even Andrew briefly.  “Get away from him, Jesus Christ.”  Grips loosened and Andrew lashed out, freeing himself, but he still couldn’t draw air.  

Neil shoved his way through and dropped to his knees next to the bed, holding out his hand.  His face went from vicious to soft, steady, in an instant.  “Don’t touch me,” Andrew gasped out.

“I know, Drew, I won’t.  But you can touch me.”

Andrew hesitated but he was starting to get dizzy, and he grabbed Neil’s hand, squeezing until he felt the bones creak.  The contact allowed him his first full breath.  “Three things you hear,” Neil whispered.

[ferix-writes]

A Year of Writing FFXV

Wow, I can’t believe Ive been writing consistently for FFXV for over a year now. I love it so much! Seriously, I have never been more involved in a fandom or made so many friends. And having so many happy experiences led to a lot of inspiration and a lot more fics, I think. And here I am to share them all!

I keep seeing end of the year art memes and I think they’re really cool, but I was a little sad that there’s nothing like that for fanfic. So I decided to do something similar enough. But a lot longer lol.

Here’s every fic that contributed to the over 200,000 words of FFXV fanfic I wrote in 2017! Its a big mix of SFW, NSFW and many, many pairings. I hope you enjoyed this year of fandom as much as I did! And please don’t be afraid to spread the fandom love <3

Thanks to everyone for all the support!

More Than Words Can Wield The Matter - My big ‘ol drabble collection. SFW and NSFW and many pairings. Check the titles of each chapter for pairings and content.

January

Warmness and Affection -SFW, OT4, Noctis and Prompto get stuck in a snowstorm, so Gladio and Ignis must rescue them and deal with the aftermath.

Shotgun -SFW, Gen, Ignis is a very, very good driver. Prompto wants to drive the Regalia, but Ignis finds a better job for him.

Old Lullaby -SFW, OT4,  Gladio, Ignis and Prompto get hit with confusion and they start attacking everything and everyone, leaving Noct to fend for himself. 

Of Hair Colors and Gossip -SFW, OT4, A brief history of style and fashion in Lucis, and the royalty that inspired it.

Melt Into You -SFW, OT4 but mostly Gladnoct, The boys get massages at Galdin Quay's resort, but Noctis' doesn't go as planned. Cue Gladio taking care of him and lots of comfort.

February

No Need to Play Pretend -SFW, OT4, Five times someone figured out exactly what kind of relationship Noctis, Gladio, Ignis and Prompto have with each other, and one time someone actually tried to do something about it.

Sericeus -NSFW, OT4, Prompto, Gladio and Ignis want to get Noctis something nice for his birthday. Really nice. Like, there’s no price limit nice.

Aces Up Your Sleeve -SFW, Gen, Regis' first born always has been and always will be the light of his life. Transboy Noct comes out to his dad. 

March

Fit the Mold -SFW, Gen, Noctis suffers from chronic pain, but his princely duties slow down for no one. Fed up with Gladio's impossible training, he wishes Gladio could feel what it's like to live in his shoes. Just for one day.

Heart's Desire -SFW, OT4, Noctis has survived his ascension and Insomnia is rebuilding, but an important question lingers: Who will the new King marry? (Answer: Everyone)

Flowers in the Sun -NSFW, Promnis, Ignis finds one of Prompto's sex toys in the Regalia. Again. Iggy and transguy Prompto smut. 

Oversharing Blogger Liveblogs Dildo Debacle with Boyfriend in Hospital -NSFW, OT4, Gladio accidentally gets a dildo stuck inside him and his boyfriends are not helping.

Under My Skin -SFW, OT4,  Noctis takes a nasty hit from an MT and becomes temporarily paralyzed from the hips down. The boys struggle to find balance as Noctis pushes forward in his recovery.

Fire Walk With Me -SFW, OT4, Caffeine withdrawal hits Ignis hard and fast in one of the caves under Lucis and the boys deal with the fallout. 

April

Noct Up -NSFW, OT4,  The boys are all happily together, but one day Prompto hears Gladio saying some...choice things to Noctis during sex. For Gladio and Noct it may be a kink, but for Prompto it's a horrifying reality that he has no desire to face. Transguy Prompto.

I've Got Stamina -SFW, Gen, Cor visits the boys after the destruction of Altissa, and finds that Ignis is not being treated properly. Heavy focus on blind Iggy. 

By The Sword -NSFW, OT4, A sudden bout of depression hits Gladio hard as he finally gets to mourn while the other three try to make sense of their Shield’s complicated and tangled emotions. 

Unraveled -NSFW, Promptis, Transguy Noct has a desire and oral-fixated Prompto has a solution.

May

Kissing Game -SFW, OT4, The boys start playing a guessing game with Ignis after he loses his sight. Ignis doesn't mind playing along, because each of his lovers have such obvious tells.

Stay With Me -SFW, OT4, Prompto gets injured in the Crestholm Channels, so the boys must help him out of the depths of the sewer while his claustrophobia comes in waves.

Forget About Mine -SFW, OT4, ABO, Prompto is curious as to how each of their presentations went. Ignis' is a bit...abnormal.

Noctis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Heat -NSFW, OT4, ABO, Noct has a rough heat, but his pack is there to help him, in all their unique ways.

A Royal Honor -NSFW, OT4, Noct finally bottoms for Gladio and bulge kink ensues. 

The Anchor -SFW, Gen, Noctis was diagnosed with autism at the young age of two. Now three, his therapists want to introduce him to a friend to help him develop his communication and social skills. Ignis, a shy six-year-old, just might be the perfect fit.

The Citizen's Crown -NSFW, OT4, Prompto takes a turn bottoming for Gladio and MORE bulge kink ensues. 

June

Petit Four -SFW, Promptio,  Prompto works in the Citadel as a server and part of the kitchen staff and he’s helping cater a large party one night. Long after the party is over, Mr. Amicitia phones the kitchen and requests a tray of desserts be brought up to his room... 

July

Partition -NSFW, Ignoct, “Driver,” Ignis leaned forward, smiling as he put a teasing lilt in his voice, “roll up the partition, please.”

August

Come What May -SFW, Ignoct, Transguy Noct,  INSOMNIA, Lucis- 9:32 AM- Sources confirm that His Highness Noctis Lucis Caelum and his Royal Advisor, Ignis Scientia, are in a committed relationship together—and have been for some time.

September 

Sleepless in Insomnia -SFW, OT4, Noctis and Prompto have been struggling to get a good night's sleep for years. Ignis and Gladio have been trying to help them find an answer, but nothing is working out. Ignis' latest idea is a unique blanket for the boys to share, but Noctis and Prompto aren't convinced.

Solace With You -NSFW, Gladnoct, Gladio returns from Gilgamesh's trial bruised and beaten, and the boys just barely get to him in time. After all is said and done he seeks comfort from Noctis, but the prince's emotions get the better of him.

Things Divine -NSFW, Gladnis, Transguy Ignis, Gladio and Ignis talk about what they want, explore each other, and get swept away. And they make mistakes, too.

October

(kinktober was a trip...)

A Matter of Time -SFW, OT4, Prompto tells Noctis about the rest of his life. Very sad. 

Pretty Little Things -NSFW, Lunyx, Nyx loves everything about Luna, inside and out.

Good & Tight -NSFW, Ignoct, Transguy Ignis, Ignis indulges in something so satisfying, so perfect...Noctis doesn't get to indulge in anything except Ignis' pleasure.

Sensory Pleasures -NSFW-ish, OT4, The boys bought one piece of lingerie, but one turned into two, and two into six...

Bound (Together) and Gagged -NSFW, IgLuna, Luna is content to keep all the pleasure to herself and watch her lover squirm below her.

Wet Dream -NSFW, Promptis, Prince Noctis buys himself a captured mercreature, though he isn't sure what to do with him.

Between a Shield and a Hard Place -NSFW, Gladnoct, ABO, Gladio quite literally rises to Noctis' challenge of holding him up against a wall and sucking him off at the same time.

Prompto's Amazing Alpha Powers -SFW, OT4, ABO, Prompto inadvertently proves that he’s a great alpha, and these 4 fools are a lot closer then any of them have realized.

Rosemary and Mint -NSFW, Promnis, Prompto trusts, and gives all of himself to Ignis. Sensory deprivation and waxplay. 

A Night Off -NSFW, Promptis, ABO, An eager Prompto just wants to help Noct, exhausted from caring for his first child, relax for a night. Lactation kink. 

Heat-aides -NSFW, Ignoct, ABO, With Prompto and Gladio away on Crownsguard business, Ignis and Noctis must find an easy way to ride out Noctis' heat together. They go shopping for some unique but very helpful little devices.

Man and Machine -NSFW, OT4, Noctis buys a sybian, and later on Ignis finds it. 

Impeccable -NSFW, IgLuna, Luna and Ignis sneak away from a party for some quick and dirty sex.

November

Desperate -NSFW, Gladnoct, Noct is being a bratty little shit, and he knows it. Spanking. 

Shield of the King -SFW, Gladnoct, One time Noct comforted Gladio, and one time Gladio comforted Noct. Set in Brotherhood and Post Canon, respectively.

December

Not Beyond Repair -NSFW, OT4, Noctis feels excluded from their recerntly established poly relationship and the boys find out they still have a lot to learn about each other. 

[gordonwilliamsweb]

Indiana School Goes Extra Mile to Help Vulnerable Kids Weather Pandemic

After covid-19 forced Olivia Goulding’s Indiana middle school to switch back to remote learning late last year, the math teacher lost contact with many of her students. So she and some colleagues came up with a plan: visiting them under the guise of dropping off Christmas gifts.

This story also ran on USA Today. It can be republished for free.

One day in December, they set out with cards and candy canes and dropped by the homes of every eighth grader at Sarah Scott Middle School in Terre Haute, a city of more than 60,000 near the Illinois border where both Indiana State University and the federal death row are located. They saw firsthand how these kids, many living in poverty and dysfunctional families, were coping with the pandemic’s disruptions to their academic and social routines.

“You just have a better concept of where they’re coming from and the challenges they really do have,” Goulding said. “When you’re looking at that electronic grade book and Sally Lou hasn’t turned in something, you remember back in your mind: ‘Oh, yeah, Sally Lou was home by herself, taking care of three younger siblings when I stopped by, and I spotted her helping Johnny with his math and she was helping this one with something else.’”

The school’s experience provides a window into the hardships millions of families across the country have endured since last March, and exemplifies why education isn’t the only reason many Americans want schools to fully reopen. Schools like Sarah Scott help hold their communities together by providing households with wide-ranging support, which has become much tougher during the pandemic.

“A lot of our students are struggling emotionally,” said Sarah Scott’s principal, Scotia Brown. “They’re stressed because they’re falling behind in their work. Or they’re stressed because of the conditions they’re living with at home.”

Even before the coronavirus struck, kids at Sarah Scott faced significant obstacles that compounded the normal social challenges and surging hormones of middle school. They live in Vigo County, which has the state’s highest rate of child poverty and high rates of child neglect. Nearly 90% of students qualified for free or reduced-fee lunches. Some showed up needing to shower and change at the school, which has a food pantry that also offers clothes and hygiene products.

Things got more difficult for students when covid threw Sarah Scott’s normal schedule into disarray. Initially, the school went totally remote, then moved to partially in-person for the start of the 2020-21 school year. When covid spiked in October, Sarah Scott went remote again because not enough substitute teachers could fill in for quarantining staff. Since January, students have been spending part of each week in the school building, with no plans as of early March to open fully.

Kids were given laptops to use at home. But internet access can be problematic.

“Internet has been the worst,” said Samantha Riley, mother of seventh grader Mariah Pointer. “So many people are on it, it shuts down all the time.”

When that happens, she uses the Wi-Fi emitting from the school bus that sits in front of her apartment complex, one of several parked around the community to fill the gaps.

Even when the internet works, though, keeping kids on task at home isn’t easy. Heather Raley said she often cries from the stress of trying to make her eighth grade daughter engage online. “It just seems like we’re always butting heads over this,” Raley said. “It’s just a bigger battle getting the work done.”

As in many other communities, students are falling behind academically. Some don’t do any of their e-learning activities. Sarah Scott’s reports to child protective services for educational neglect — when caregivers aren’t getting their children to either in-person or remote classes — have more than tripled this school year.

Brown said she also worries about physical neglect and abuse, which is harder to detect when interacting with students remotely. “If you’re in an abusive home and you have to be there five days out of the week because you’re doing remote learning, you’re in that environment even more,” she said.

More time at home can also mean doing without necessities, including food.

The school helps by offering free breakfasts and lunches for in-person students and to-go lunches on remote days. Sometimes, the principal delivers boxes of groceries to students’ homes. The school recently secured a microwave for one family and an inflatable mattress for a student who’d been sharing a bed with his grandmother.

For some kids, the stress of the pandemic has worsened emotional problems and mental illness. Recently, a former Sarah Scott student who had moved out of state logged into her former teacher’s virtual class to say she planned to kill herself. The school contacted police, who checked on her. Referrals for suicidal students are up fourfold, Brown said.

School social worker Nichelle Campbell-Miller said it’s been tough counseling kids online or through text messages.

“I am all about building relationships and being in person and being able to dap you up or give you a hug and be like, ‘Hey, what’s up?’” she said, using a term for various greetings like fist bumps or elaborate handshakes. “So being online is extremely difficult for me, because you can’t really tell the tone of your student. When I’m talking to you in person, I can read your body language and I can gauge where you’re at.”

Right now, she said, the psychological well-being of her middle schoolers is even more important than education.

Many students, such as eighth grader Trea Johnson, come up against challenges on both fronts. Trea transferred to Sarah Scott two days before covid ended in-person learning.

“We struggle with school anyway,” said his mom, Kathy Poff. “Then when this pandemic came along, it just knocked our feet out from under us.”

His grades plunged. He began to hate school, Poff said. He didn’t attend his daily video meetings with his teachers. His mother fought with him to complete his online assignments.

“I usually get pretty bored,” said Trea, whose long, straight hair sometimes falls over his eyes.

Poff found him a therapist he meets with once a week. She said his mood and academic productivity have improved. He wants to be a computer programmer and has been coding in his spare time lately. She also moved his computer into her bedroom so she could better monitor him and has started paying him to do his schoolwork.

“I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be a 13-year-old going through this pandemic,” said Poff, 51, a single mother. “They’re going through changes anyway, adjusting to adolescence and figuring out who they are, and they don’t even have a social group to figure that out.”

Goulding, the math teacher, said she’s glad she and her co-workers can help provide stability and continuity during this trying period. One recent night, for example, she got a call from a truant boy’s grandmother, who said she was in poor health and raising him alone. The next day, the principal and social worker picked him up and drove him to school.

Still, Goulding lamented not seeing her most vulnerable students on the days when they are remote.

“How do I check on my kids? How do I make sure they’re eating? How do I make sure,” she paused to compose herself, her voice quavering, “they’re safe?

“You’re no longer thinking about, ‘How are they doing on their polynomials?’ You’re thinking about, you know, the reality of life.”

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

USE OUR CONTENT

This story can be republished for free (details).

Indiana School Goes Extra Mile to Help Vulnerable Kids Weather Pandemic published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[stephenmccull]

Indiana School Goes Extra Mile to Help Vulnerable Kids Weather Pandemic

After covid-19 forced Olivia Goulding’s Indiana middle school to switch back to remote learning late last year, the math teacher lost contact with many of her students. So she and some colleagues came up with a plan: visiting them under the guise of dropping off Christmas gifts.

This story also ran on USA Today. It can be republished for free.

One day in December, they set out with cards and candy canes and dropped by the homes of every eighth grader at Sarah Scott Middle School in Terre Haute, a city of more than 60,000 near the Illinois border where both Indiana State University and the federal death row are located. They saw firsthand how these kids, many living in poverty and dysfunctional families, were coping with the pandemic’s disruptions to their academic and social routines.

“You just have a better concept of where they’re coming from and the challenges they really do have,” Goulding said. “When you’re looking at that electronic grade book and Sally Lou hasn’t turned in something, you remember back in your mind: ‘Oh, yeah, Sally Lou was home by herself, taking care of three younger siblings when I stopped by, and I spotted her helping Johnny with his math and she was helping this one with something else.’”

The school’s experience provides a window into the hardships millions of families across the country have endured since last March, and exemplifies why education isn’t the only reason many Americans want schools to fully reopen. Schools like Sarah Scott help hold their communities together by providing households with wide-ranging support, which has become much tougher during the pandemic.

“A lot of our students are struggling emotionally,” said Sarah Scott’s principal, Scotia Brown. “They’re stressed because they’re falling behind in their work. Or they’re stressed because of the conditions they’re living with at home.”

Even before the coronavirus struck, kids at Sarah Scott faced significant obstacles that compounded the normal social challenges and surging hormones of middle school. They live in Vigo County, which has the state’s highest rate of child poverty and high rates of child neglect. Nearly 90% of students qualified for free or reduced-fee lunches. Some showed up needing to shower and change at the school, which has a food pantry that also offers clothes and hygiene products.

Things got more difficult for students when covid threw Sarah Scott’s normal schedule into disarray. Initially, the school went totally remote, then moved to partially in-person for the start of the 2020-21 school year. When covid spiked in October, Sarah Scott went remote again because not enough substitute teachers could fill in for quarantining staff. Since January, students have been spending part of each week in the school building, with no plans as of early March to open fully.

Kids were given laptops to use at home. But internet access can be problematic.

“Internet has been the worst,” said Samantha Riley, mother of seventh grader Mariah Pointer. “So many people are on it, it shuts down all the time.”

When that happens, she uses the Wi-Fi emitting from the school bus that sits in front of her apartment complex, one of several parked around the community to fill the gaps.

Even when the internet works, though, keeping kids on task at home isn’t easy. Heather Raley said she often cries from the stress of trying to make her eighth grade daughter engage online. “It just seems like we’re always butting heads over this,” Raley said. “It’s just a bigger battle getting the work done.”

As in many other communities, students are falling behind academically. Some don’t do any of their e-learning activities. Sarah Scott’s reports to child protective services for educational neglect — when caregivers aren’t getting their children to either in-person or remote classes — have more than tripled this school year.

Brown said she also worries about physical neglect and abuse, which is harder to detect when interacting with students remotely. “If you’re in an abusive home and you have to be there five days out of the week because you’re doing remote learning, you’re in that environment even more,” she said.

More time at home can also mean doing without necessities, including food.

The school helps by offering free breakfasts and lunches for in-person students and to-go lunches on remote days. Sometimes, the principal delivers boxes of groceries to students’ homes. The school recently secured a microwave for one family and an inflatable mattress for a student who’d been sharing a bed with his grandmother.

For some kids, the stress of the pandemic has worsened emotional problems and mental illness. Recently, a former Sarah Scott student who had moved out of state logged into her former teacher’s virtual class to say she planned to kill herself. The school contacted police, who checked on her. Referrals for suicidal students are up fourfold, Brown said.

School social worker Nichelle Campbell-Miller said it’s been tough counseling kids online or through text messages.

“I am all about building relationships and being in person and being able to dap you up or give you a hug and be like, ‘Hey, what’s up?’” she said, using a term for various greetings like fist bumps or elaborate handshakes. “So being online is extremely difficult for me, because you can’t really tell the tone of your student. When I’m talking to you in person, I can read your body language and I can gauge where you’re at.”

Right now, she said, the psychological well-being of her middle schoolers is even more important than education.

Many students, such as eighth grader Trea Johnson, come up against challenges on both fronts. Trea transferred to Sarah Scott two days before covid ended in-person learning.

“We struggle with school anyway,” said his mom, Kathy Poff. “Then when this pandemic came along, it just knocked our feet out from under us.”

His grades plunged. He began to hate school, Poff said. He didn’t attend his daily video meetings with his teachers. His mother fought with him to complete his online assignments.

“I usually get pretty bored,” said Trea, whose long, straight hair sometimes falls over his eyes.

Poff found him a therapist he meets with once a week. She said his mood and academic productivity have improved. He wants to be a computer programmer and has been coding in his spare time lately. She also moved his computer into her bedroom so she could better monitor him and has started paying him to do his schoolwork.

“I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be a 13-year-old going through this pandemic,” said Poff, 51, a single mother. “They’re going through changes anyway, adjusting to adolescence and figuring out who they are, and they don’t even have a social group to figure that out.”

Goulding, the math teacher, said she’s glad she and her co-workers can help provide stability and continuity during this trying period. One recent night, for example, she got a call from a truant boy’s grandmother, who said she was in poor health and raising him alone. The next day, the principal and social worker picked him up and drove him to school.

Still, Goulding lamented not seeing her most vulnerable students on the days when they are remote.

“How do I check on my kids? How do I make sure they’re eating? How do I make sure,” she paused to compose herself, her voice quavering, “they’re safe?

“You’re no longer thinking about, ‘How are they doing on their polynomials?’ You’re thinking about, you know, the reality of life.”

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

USE OUR CONTENT

This story can be republished for free (details).

Indiana School Goes Extra Mile to Help Vulnerable Kids Weather Pandemic published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/