#but i want to medically transition and live independently and shit and i don’t want that to be ruined before i get the chance

[the-adas]

i’m a person who needs to yap but has no one to talk to

[justtogetthrough]

My job entails a lot of different tasks, where one task takes up 80% of my time and is my priority but then I get pulled into a million other little things which is sometimes aggravating and sometimes not.

One of my favourite little things though is educating people about being trans and transitioning. On Monday I was looped into a meeting at the last minute to discuss the future of one kid and his status as a child in care (they’re trying to move him on to independence/room and board when he turns 16) and one consideration is his access to medical care because if he is listed at the address where he currently lives, he’ll no longer have access to his family doctor who is 2 hours away but still, he has a doctor. There are zero doctors taking on patients in this part of the province.

I asked if the kid has any interest in medically transitioning and his worker said yes, he has expressed he would like to go on hormones so I told them this is another factor to consider then - if he is discharged from care in 3 months, he loses access to life saving medicine. They were all like oh, shit. That won’t be good.

I called my colleague after the meeting to follow up with more specific questions because she’s the one to speak with the foster parents about whether they’d keep him on as room and board, and I brought us back to the healthcare piece because if he leaves care, they will become responsible for a whole slew of things. I laid out what is involved in medically transitioning and why I think it’s in his best interest to stay in care until he has reached a stable dose of testosterone and has community services in place, and she was like “oh, okay, I had no idea what would be involved for transitioning, that’s really important to take into account”.

It made me 🙂 because in moments like that where I can educate people about stuff and they are genuinely accepting but just didn’t know about certain things, it makes me feel like me being alive has value. That because of me, other people now better understand how transitioning works and how to support a young person at various different stages. These are very real, tangible ways I can help kids even if they don’t know I exist - I take this role of gender education very seriously and it is so dear to my heart that I relish every opportunity I get to advocate for our trans kids and share with the adults in their teams how to support them and introduce this information for the very first time.

I very, very much want to be a gender specialist but my job is not clinical in nature. But whenever I hear rumblings about a kid being trans I pipe up and get involved because honestly these adults have no idea how much they don’t know and without me being all hi, hello, we need to talk, then this lack of information would continue to be a barrier these kids have to face. It’s something I can do to really help them and I love it.

[werevulvi]

I hope these show up in the right order. This kinda stuff is exactly what makes me feel lost about my transness. Like I was just trying to be nice and agreed with this person's post. I had no interest in being an asshole or arguing what bio sex, or even what butch, is. I was just declaring myself as a bio female because it felt relevant to the topic and how I relate to it. It amazes me how even the pro self-ID types are against self-ID when someone identifies in a way that doesn't suit their narrative, even when it's a trans person whose identity they deny.

They blocked me and I don't want anyone going after them, I just wanna rant. And not even about this specific post or person, but more so about trying to exist as a gender critical trans person in general. I've been thinking about that for days, weeks, perhaps months or even years already, so it's really not about this specific person. I guess it was just what triggered me to finally start writing.

I guess I feel like both most other trans people and most other gender critical people, view transness as incompatible with gender critical opinions, and like that makes me feel pulled in two opposing directions. But anyone of any ideology can be dysphoric and transition because it helps them cope. I don't think that my opinions, or my choice to hang out with radfems, means that I'm self-hating, or even that I'm going against the needs of my own trans demographic. My own trans demographic is just all too good at confusing wants with needs... generally speaking. I see sex and gender the way I do because it makes sense to me personally, and I don't even argue that it's necessarily the objective truth. I don't think there is such a thing. It's just my truth, my perception of the world.

That I can't make myself see myself as a man for real, despite my dysphoria and transition, doesn't mean that I think it's wrong to transition, or that my body is damaged by it, or that transitioning is useless. Because it's not. I love my transition and everything it has given me. I'm comfortable with my transitioned body. It deserves love, especially my love. And although I still struggle with some insecurities, I feel like I love my body. It's been... incredibly good to me. It's stayed very healthy, and even keeping up a strong immune system despite my smoking, self harm, careless sexual escapades, etc. I may still have a fraught relationship with being female, but as long as I transition, I seem to be managing it fairly well. Except then I have a more fraught relationship with society instead. Can't win, but that's life, innit?

I don't think either my transness or my political opinions are my real problem or ever was. I think it's society's constant fighting about trans people's genders, lives and choices, that makes me constantly cave in on myself. Can't handle the pressure.

It feels like it's only ever getting worse. Ten years ago my biggest concern was people not ever finding me attractive because I was turning myself into some kind of a freak, which luckily I was proven to be wrong about. Five years ago my biggest concern was nonbinary people trying to normalize asking people their pronouns, which made me fear that people would never leave me alone about my gender, unless I forced myself to be hyper-masculine, which I still worry about. Three years ago my biggest concern was having been stripped of my sex-based rights and dehumanized for how I had chosen to treat my dysphoria, which I still worry about as well, and now...

...my biggest concerns are being treated as a third gender, fetishistic predator who should be shoved away into gender neutral spaces, and I fear that one day medical transition will be taken away as an option to treat dysphoria if transness is continued to be rejected as a medical condition. My heart rate is ever increasing. Can I even realistically "just go on with my life" anymore? I feel compelled to do something, but I also feel like there isn't anything I can do. No matter how many people I try to "educate" about dysphoria and why transition is incredibly important, all the while being as humble as I can, I am seriously lacking behind the much faster spread of harmful misinformation.

Thing is, I do not blame gender critical people for spreading some of that misinformation. For example of trans women as fetishistic predators, which people apply to trans men when they still fail to understand that MtF is not the only kinda trans there is, or when we dare to be just a little bit feminine while passing as male. If anything, I blame the true sources of such harmful claims, which slowly increase my anxious heart rate, over years, turning into decades, of living as openly trans. I blame opportunistic men who pretend to be trans women for gaining access to women's spaces, be it prisons, spas, shelters, sports, what have you, when they cannot possibly be dysphoric judging by how happily they swing their dicks around women as if it's no big deal and make no attempt at transitioning, but also who cares if they are dysphoric, no one should behave that way either way. I blame the trans rights activists who say lesbians have to suck dick if it's attached to a trans woman, and those who say that gay men have to be into pussy and date trans men. I blame those who say that trans women are bio female by virtue of identifying as female, and claiming that they can get periods, by virtue of... bowel cramps?! I'd also blame those who try to change female specific language on behalf of shielding trans men from our own dysphoria, in the rare cases we'd end up getting pregnant or manage to drag our asses to the gyno office for a pap smear, which... most of us really don't, regardless of if you call us women or uterus-havers, sincerely, please stop. It makes people think trans women are trying to take over the term "woman" entirely for themselves, which of course they don't.

I could go on, but I won't, as this post is not about these things. It's more so about how estranged I feel from the people who spout these things, knowing that they think they're speaking for me and my supposed needs as a tranny. But I see no point in trying to educate them, as they won't listen any more to me than they would to a radfem, and again, I think this post in my screenshots shows just how unwilling they are to listen to me.

I guess living with my transition on constant display is what's hard, and I guess I just need to vent about that, as it's always judged one way or the other; as either me having made myself into a man, or that I'm a delusional woman who mutilated herself; and it's kinda hard to find a kind and sane middle ground, that perhaps I'm just a victim of circumstances, and trying to make the most of my own life, regardless of what the fuck I am. That social shit, on top of dealing with dysphoria, makes it really difficult to not hate myself, I guess. But I have tried to live stealth and that made it if possible even worse, as it felt like I was lying, keeping a huge secret that grew in me like a spreading virus.

What I want is to just live my life, and for neither my bio sex, nor my transition, to stop me from doing that. I want to work through the worst of my autism, enough to be able to pursue a career in some low-paying labor, blue-collar job; get a car and driver's licence, find a suitable husband to have a child and cats with; I want my own garden, an art studio; I want to build muscle to become strong and even more independent (and perhaps strong enough to carry that husband, but at least to carry myself), and so on. When I picture myself in that potential future, it is with this male-like appearance I transitioned my body into, but it is also as a mother and wife.

And thinking about all of that makes me happy, it makes me smile and feel joy, meaningfulness, hope... While thinking about arguing online with some miserable fuck, who's deadset on arguing semantics and calling me a terf, when all I wanted was to show a little bit of kindness, that "hey, I agree with you, you make a good point here, and I'm not here to fight" only to be spat right back into my face... just makes me feel sad. Whatever happened to diversity of opinion? It's gone, it became labeled as bad, and left people like me with no place to be.

There is no point in arguing with such people, or even trying not to argue. There's no winning in that, there's no reward, no accomplishment. It's better to walk away.

I know I just have to get over this, this inner conflict of going against my transness with my gender critical opinions, and that I'm going against my womanhood with my transition - and be stronger than the political climate that's pulling me into pieces. But if it's peace that I want... I can just forget about it. There's no road there. But I have trouble letting go of that simple dream. The internet is constantly manipulating me into thinking I have an exciting social life, when in fact it's non-existent, and the lie is destructive. With internet vs real life, I'm living a double life. One of those lives has a future, the other one does not.

I'm glad I made this rant. It actually made me feel better, and reminded me that it's still worth it. Being trans, moving forward, focusing on what is good and what can become good in life. And it reminded me that the internet is merely an imitation of life, a substitute for human connection, and can... as with much else, be both good and bad.

[horseflavor]

I bumped this post ahead of a few others I had in mind to celebrate pride month! I love making ponies based off different LGBTQ flags. I'll try to see if I can make a set this month for sale! 1. Here are my three sonas. My actual identity is a trans demi-bisexual man. Since I generally have a preference towards men, I get identified as gay by others often. I don't really mind lmao. These three are canonically brothers- triplets, in fact. From left to right: Scooter he/him (gay flag) - He's my lil gay dude. A homosexual. He is a trans stallion as well! He probably loves the idea of celebrating pride lol. He is currently single, and wants to stay that way for a while! Since he's autistic (as am I), an important aspect of his life is keeping his independence. A lot of other ponies infantilize him for his childish behavior. He is still very intelligent and functionally competent, just kind of a goofball. He's very picky for partners because he doesn't want to end up having another parent figure in his life. Scooter is the smallest, standing at 5'2" in anthro form. Dallas he/they (trans flag) - Dallas didn't know what he was, they just knew he wasn't a girl. They socially transitioned pretty young then medically transitioned as soon as they had access. Dallas identifies as queer, sexually. In fact, he really does not want to think about that aspect of his life. Dallas took on the most messed up aspects of the triplets' lives (Keystone), landing him with severe PTSD (same here) and somewhat of a savior complex. Dallas has learned to negate that complex into healthy manners, but he still suffers severely from traumatic episodes. They have a girlfriend (more about her in a future post) and is closest with her. Dallas is somewhat average in height, 5'6" in anthro form. Keystone he/him (bisexual flag) - Keystone is the biggest at 5'8" and the most aggressive. Keystone used to thrive off of the hypersexual bisexual stereotype, flirting (and doing) with anything that moves. He also has chronic Borderline Personality Disorder (yo sameeee) and that manifested in a lot of risky behaviors when he was younger. I'll explain his scarring some other time, but that's how he got those scars in the first place. He used to be very manipulative and borderline abusive, pushing away most ponies, including his brothers. Dallas took the front of Keystone's shit to protect Scooter, and that's how Dallas ended up so messed up. In Keystone's later teenage years, he went to Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT) and turned his behavior around. Still, the damage was done. Keystone does have a boyfriend, who I will also introduce soon. Worry not, this partner is not a submissive puppy to Keystone. In fact, he keeps Keystone in check and has no issue holding him accountable for his shit. Keystone genuinely does want to get better and turn his behavior around, but still, he suffers with a very difficult personality disorder that warps his entire life. Dallas and Scooter are no contact with him. 2. As a man, I can not and will not claim the lesbian identity under any circumstances. Still, I did not want to leave out one of the most important identities from this post! This character is a sona of sorts for one of my irl friends! This character does not represent me, but they are still very important and I love them. They are very close friends with the triplets. Eros they/them (lesbian flag) - The first thing you might notice about Eros is their lovely horn! To have a horn that is atypical in shape is VERY rare in Equestria and always has a huge significance on the pony's destiny. The horns are called 'Crown Horns'. Each princess has a Crown Horn, each very different in shape. The occasional non-princess will have a Crown Horn, and they are usually regarded as prophets. Eros shares the Heart Crown with Empress Cadance and her daughter, Princess Flurry Heart. Eros' name means romantic love as well, named after their horn shape. Eros was always told they would be of importance but never really knew how. They felt like they should've just known. They didn't, though. Eros only knew they loved other mares and that they loved to write. Later on in their adulthood, Eros becomes one of the largest advocates for WLW/NBLW rights and visibility in Equestria's history. Eros utilizes their unique statue as a Crown Horn to bring attention to how unseen/under-represented lesbians are in media and LGBTQ conversations. Of course, Eros accepts all types of lesbians- trans, he/hims, nonbinaries, etc. Eros wants more visibility for those lesbians especially since most of society only wants to see and accept lesbianism when it is two conventionally attractive cis females involved. --- The idea for Crown Horns was inspired from my lovely friend, fastserve !! I LOVE how they draw their unicorn horns, please go give them a follow!! <3 I know Equestria is fan-written to have a lot of the LGBTQ issues of our world just absent. I love that safe-space, and it is very relieving to indulge in! For myself, though, I want Equestria to mirror a lot of our social issues against marginalized groups. I will always put content warnings, but I will have concepts that do talk about the ugly side of our bigotries. I will do so as respectfully as possible, using my real experiences and the experiences of others. I always do social sciences research beforehand if I do not fully understand the topic. I specialize in social sciences research in the academic setting, but that does not put me above criticism. If I ever address a topic that affects you in a seemingly incorrect manner, please feel free to reach out and educate me! About the three brothers, I do not have alters or DID. I have all three diagnoses (ASD, PTSD, and BPD) addressed, and some more. I broke up those aspects of my life into three separate characters to help myself cope with those aspects of my life. So all three represent me, just different aspects of me. For those three, I will be writing about the disorders solely from my perspective, so they do not encompass everyone who has such complications. Worry not, they will be other mentally disabled characters written outside of my perspective and more representative of others! Support me and see more exclusive art: www.patreon.com/horsecrimes Base © Pegasski Characters & Concepts © HorseCrimes Art © HorseCrimes

[fireblogger]

F.I.R.E

Financial Independence, Retire Early

Disclaimer - I have not yet retired. However, I decided to start this blog to track my journey, and hopefully give others ideas on where to go. I am located in the US so I will be referencing US Tax law, the general principals should translate to other countries (or not be applicable in the case of healthcare costs!)

Below is a summary of the advice in this post, and below that is the actual post. 

Questions welcome! 

Pieces of Advice:

If you’re young invest in high risk high growth stock funds (preferably 0 fee index funds), then transition to lower risk lower growth bond funds as you get older.

If your job offers an FSA or HSA choice: Get the FSA if you have consistent known medical expenses each year because those funds won’t roll over. Get the HSA if you don’t (and MAX it). Check to see if your HSA allows you to invest funds. Mine allows investments past the first $2,000 and any gains are 100% tax free.

Max out your 401(k) if you can. If you can’t at least get the max company match.

IRAs are great. If you don’t make much now and hope to make more in the future use a Roth IRA. If you plan on retiring early and living on a low income use a Traditional IRA.

If you want to invest for fun while also building some value Robinhood is free and I’m a personal fan.  join.robinhood.com/amandaw1188

Real estate investing can be a good way to build your assets. But REITs also work if you don’t want to buy a house (or aren’t able to yet).

You need a budget!

First, I’ll give you some background. I am 24 years old (okay 23, but I turn 24 in a month) and have been working since I was 17. I also SUCK at budgeting! So where have 6 years of work and 9 years of budget gotten me? A net worth of about $50,000 

Which, as it turns out, is slightly above average for the above average person (according to Financial Samurai - which is an excellent FIRE blog if you want something established rather than evolving). 

I’ve been investing since I was 18 when I opened an American Funds account. Unfortunately, I opened it with someone who was used to handling money for people in their 60s so he put it all in a bond fund (read terrible returns!) so I lost out on years of growth before I thought to check and see why the returns were so much worse than my other investments. I’ve made more in the last year in a Growth Fund than the first three in the Bond fund. 

Speaking of other investments, Robinhood is Really good for shits and giggles! I don’t recommend it for long-term investing goals, but if you have $100 to spare (or really like $5 you don’t need to start big) it can be fun to invest just to see where you go.

If you sign up with this link: join.robinhood.com/amandaw1188 you get a free stock too! My coworker, the lucky bastard, got one worth about $400. The max is $500 and in my experience the average is ~$5. But hey, that’s $5 free dollars.

I went to college when I was 18, and was lucky enough to take out minimal loans. I did that by attending a lower cost college, taking advantage of education tax credits, working ~45 hours a week during the semester and ~70 during the summer, and getting some scholarships. 

In Spring of 2019 I transitioned to a “Big Girl” job (by only taking night classes that semester) and was working a corporate job as a Financial Data Analyst a few months before I graduated. 

In the first year I maxed my HSA and put some money into my 401(k) - though I didn’t put anything into an IRA (My Bad!). Instead I built up enough cash for a deposit on a duplex. 

An aside on the HSA - check to see if you can invest a portion of your funds. I’ve been dumping mine into stock and made an extra $1,300 that will never be taxed. Even if you are a relatively healthy individual - you will get old and having some money set aside for medical expense will be useful. If you aren’t a relatively health individual it’s even more important to be building funds for medical expenses. (Part two of that plan is to retire to somewhere that isn’t the USA since we have such a terrible healthcare system).

Now I live in one side of the duplex and have renters on the other side. Unfortunately I live in a housing bubble so the mortgage - rent = ~my rent prior to buying the house. But at least now I’m building equity! 

This year in 2021 I will be maxing my 401(k), HSA, and IRA. (The alternative is to save for another house but my area is expensive and I don’t really want to manage a rental from a distance).

To manage all of this I will be living on less than half of my original paycheck. So when I say I suck at budgeting - I mean I have an unfortunate problem to overcome! However, I also have the benefit of hating to spend money. . . I blame spending my childhood thinking I was going to be homeless (fun times. . . )

Okay so that was a long and probably not that interesting post! But future ones should be more finance focused. I’m always happy to answer questions, and if I don’t know the answer I will research it for you because I love any excuse to learn! 

P.S. I chose Tumblr as a platform because I hoped that a lot of you young’uns might be interested in planning your finances before you get to the money making stages. And because I hoped that some older users would also be willing to share their perspectives and experiences! 

[transthaumaturge]

trans asks: 3, 19, 40

and bonus chosen without looking at the question: 27

--- Sorry I was a few days late to answer this, @foxoftheasterisk! I just re-reblogged the ask game as of the middle of the day on 12/24 so that it’s easier to see what I’m responding to. Responses under the cut so that this doesn’t dominate anybody’s dashboard.

Ask 3: Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? I’d say probably more social dysphoria. I have enough bottom dysphoria that I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror while I’m in the bathroom, but the biggest source of trans-related discomfort for me is not knowing whether I look or sound feminine to other people when I’m interacting with them in public. I’ve learned two important things from having a lot of social dysphoria: 1) You probably notice the nuances of your voice and appearance much more than any random person you’ll meet on the street--especially when it comes to cis people. I spend a lot of time thinking that my voice doesn’t sound natural, or that my face isn’t “feminine enough” (whatever that means), but people notice a lot less in general than I think they will. If you’re trying to pass, whatever that entails, you’re already doing a great job ^_^* 2) Passing is a shit metric for trans people to be judged on, and a shit metric for us to judge ourselves on. I’m just as much a lady now as when I had a full beard shadow two years ago, and I’m much happier with my no-makeup appearance nowadays than I was when I tried to dress hyperfeminine every day in my first year as myself. Give yourself a break. I still get anxious over my voice and appearance, but I don’t let it convince myself that I’m “failing at being a woman” anymore. I am a woman. If some rando on the street thinks otherwise, it’s their right to have terrible opinions. Ask 19: Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? I’m fully out in my day-to-day life, and that includes in my job as a high-school science teacher where I have a trans pride flag on my desk and co-advise the school GSA as an “LGBTeacher”. I like being visibly trans, especially to the kids that I work with, because it makes me a “possibility model.” It shows trans kids that they’re safe being themselves around me, and that there’s a real possibility that they’ll grow up happy as their true selves. But would I ever go stealth? I suppose I would if I felt like it was a matter of safety, and I’ve done so in the past for that reason. In the summer that I was interviewing for teaching jobs back in 2018, I had been out to myself as trans for several months but made the choice to pretend to be a cis man for all of those interviews and also for a full year into my teaching career. I knew that if I came to my interviews in a dress, I stood less of a chance of being hired and couldn’t afford to be jobless. And I knew that if I presented as a woman in my first year of teaching, it might introduce an element of danger into my life that I didn’t need while I was still working on coming out to those around me and building a support network. I took a calculated risk to go from being stealth to being out in my daily life because after a while, it was just too painful to not be my authentic self. But that took a lot of work. I spent a lot of time working with the local teacher’s union to make sure that I had someone to protect me when coming out to the district and school administration. And in my personal life, I waited until I had my own health insurance, my own car, and a handful of other things before I came out to the dad who threatened to take all of these things away from me if I wore women’s clothes in public again. If anybody reading this is trying to make that same decision of “when to go full-time”, I would strongly suggest that you do what you can to make sure that you have resources available to you if the worst happens afterward. You may not be as lucky as I was with the timing of my coming-out, but make sure that you have something to steady yourself with. A place to go if things get ugly at home, some money or possessions stashed away where the people who want to control you can’t get to them. At the same time, don’t let family manipulate you into waiting and making yourself miserable for years and years because “it’s just not safe right now”. My dad tried to do that once he realized he had nothing on me anymore, and I saw it for what it was. Nowadays, if I went stealth, it would be to pretend to be a cis woman rather than a cis man. I think that I could do that, but only if I was in an interaction where people knowing I was trans would put me in danger. It would particularly suck because I wear a kippah wherever I go, but I would even take that off if I needed to. I’m not so self-sure that I don’t realize there are places in my own country, some not too far from me, where there are people who want me dead. My goal is to make sure that I never end up in those places if I can help it, and if I do, to fake it until I make it. Ask 40: How did/do you manage waiting to transition? In this respect, I was luckier than most because I slowly came out to myself over the five years that I was in college and away from my parents, and wasn’t fully out to myself until I was 23 and about to get a job that I could use to support myself. I know that it’s not that easy for a lot of people, especially because my relative privilege helped me to get into a stable, independent living situation after school. But even with all of that, I still spent an entire year pretending to be a man while I taught my first year of high school science and waited to complete my full social transition. It was really hard. On the days that I wore a button-down shirt and dress pants to school, I felt trapped; on the days that I wore a school t-shirt and loose jeans, I felt like I was falling apart. Using my “guy voice” made me flinch almost constantly, because it didn’t feel like mine. I had to constantly remind myself that I was a woman, and that I would get through this. It’s difficult, when everyone around you is using your deadname and misgendering you. Here are the three things that helped me the most: 1) I built a support network for myself in my personal life. When I was looking for a house to move into, I made sure that my housemates were okay with me being trans and that they wouldn’t be uncomfortable with me being myself at home. Coming out to strangers like that was difficult, but I couldn’t bear another year of only being myself when I was in a locked bedroom. I was also lucky enough to have a queer community center in my town where I attended weekly trans support group meetings, which gave me a way to dress authentically and be seen and affirmed. I’m not lying when I say that I looked forward to those support meetings every second that I wasn’t in them. If you’re in a pre-coming-out situation and don’t have a physical queer community space right now (or that space is closed because of quarantine), online spaces are also amazing places to seek out affirmation and be seen. Discord, Reddit...just make sure that any Facebook groups you join aren’t marked public or everyone you’re friends with will be able to see your posts and comments from that group on their feeds. I learned that the hard way, thankfully long after I came out. Many queer community centers, if you live relatively close to them, are also doing weekly online support meetings right now to try and keep those affirming spaces alive during covid. 2) I started saying daily self-affirmations. Mine went “My name is Rachel Tikvah [Lastname], and I am a woman. I am a sister, I am a daughter, and I am enough.” I set phone alarms to say it in the morning before work, in the afternoon after work, and I also whispered it under my breath anytime that I felt like I just couldn’t take pretending any longer. Not only did it help me in the moment, it helped me to get used to my new name while my deadname was still being regularly used. If the above affirmation doesn’t feel like it would work for you, I have no doubt that there are plenty of trans self-affirmations that you can look up online and choose from. 3) I focused on the approaching milestones. I got through my first autumn by building my wardrobe and picking out my new first and middle names. By then, I had decided that I would start hormones on my birthday in February and counted down the days until then. Starting hormones brought a bunch of early transition milestones with them that I could focus on, and I worked out a deal with school administration that I would come out over the summer and start my second school year as a woman. That gave me an ultimate goal to work towards. Every step I took, every accomplishment I made, brought me closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing that kept me strong, and it kept me hopeful for the day when I would never have to worry about pretending to be a man ever again. If you’re currently in a dark place and not sure when you’ll be able to transition medically or socially, figure out what those milestones are for you and focus on what steps and amount of time it will take before they’ll come true. If you don’t have any milestones to look forward to, try to create some for yourself. Order some trans gear to start wearing if you have a safe way to do so! Work towards choosing a new name for yourself if you want a new one! Celebrate the anniversary of coming out to yourself with your friends each year! Whatever you can think of, put it on your mental calendar and look forward to it while you wait. Bonus Ask 27: What do you do to validate yourself? The self-affirmations that I mentioned in ask 40 really helped, and I still say them almost daily now that I’m out. They’re especially helpful when I’m feeling particularly dysphoric. As someone who is also very proud of my Jewish identity, I also say the blessing “thank you god for creating me as a woman” when I take my hormones or when looking at my body makes me smile. Those are beautiful moments that I thought for the longest time would never happen, and I want to sanctify every one of them. The Hebrew for this modified blessing can be found on this blog post: https://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/2012/03/on-bodies-blood-and-blessings.html Apart from that, one of my big refuges is clothing. I have a wardrobe full of cute clothes (there’s something beautiful about coming out of the closet and then filling it with dresses) that I’ll wear if I need to feel extra-feminine or sure of myself. I’ll put on makeup before going outside, and if I need it, I’ll take a picture of myself and post it to one of the queer discord servers I’m part of with a request for positive affirmations about my femininity. Knowing that I’m being seen by people that I care about and that they think I’m beautiful always means a lot and helps me feel better if I’m having trouble chasing the dysphoria away on my own. Between positive self-affirmations and being seen and cheered on by friends, I’m usually able to make myself feel better if I need that extra boost of validation. I should also mention that while it doesn’t come up a lot now that I’m not being regularly deadnamed, I used to ask friends to use my chosen name more in conversation than they would otherwise. Hearing it more chased away the intrusive thoughts, most of which at the time were my brain saying my deadname to me whenever there was a moment of silence. My brain was quieter when my friends were using my real name regularly. Okay, I hope that that gave you a little bit more insight into me and my transition! I am living proof that trans people can come out to themselves in adulthood and turn out alright. Gender is a galaxy, and I’ve remade myself out of the stardust. I hope that any trans people reading this have been/are able to transition safely as well. You’re all amazing, and you deserve happiness.

[star-anise]

As a former farm child I laughingly flip the bird at the idea that running a small communal farm with all my friends is only the realm of the ignorant and naive, BUT, I think my daydreams for the small-communal-farm idea are a bit standard from the usual run.

So on MY small communal farm with all of my friends. Or, okay, this is not the “half a dozen people” version. This is the “I want to accommodate DOZENS of people, like, all my friends and all their families” version.

The word you actually want is “village”. Multiple houses, community infrastructure, everyone gets independence? It’s a village. Know what’s even easier than building a bunch of tiny houses on a plot of land with no electrical or sanitation grid?

Go find a dying hamlet in the middle of nowhere. The kind of place that used to be a farm town, but since the ag economy changed ~30 years ago, it’s had a steady population decline. The kind of place where the houses are cheap because nobody’s buying them when their old owners die off. Buy houses and live in them.

Bring a business to it. Farming is a wonderful way of life, but a shitty way to earn a living. You’re not going to be able to compete with Big Agribusiness for any of the easy-to-grow crops, and it’ll take a few years for you to get anything more profitable in place. You need a strong economic backbone other than farming.

More than that, you need a strong economic backbone over and above the individual wages earned by the adult members of your group. You don’t just need enough money for your wage-earners; you need enough money for children, disabled people, and elderly people. This means owning a business, soup to nuts; being the shareholders who receive the profits of it.

Owning a business means you also get to come up with your own employee benefits, which is basically a way to get all your friends decent health insurance.

So you need a profitable business, one that’s not intensely dependent on location. Usually this means having specialized skills and providing it to high-volume buyers--a software company that provides tech support remotely; a manufacturing company that sells goods to dealers; a business of tradespeople providing a useful service. Left to decide for myself, I’d focus on small motor repairs--sewing machines, chainsaws, lawnmowers, industrial equipment. Things that are just a bit too bulky to want to ship overseas for outsourced repair. Ideally, things that are found not infrequently within a day’s drive of my town, that have to be repaired on-site, but not so often that most places keep in-house professionals in it on staff.

The benefit to having that business? You also have people with USEFUL SKILLS

Seriously, the biggest hurdle for most communes is basic infrastructure and adhering to the fire code. There’s a REASON that building your own house has gone out of fashion. Your community benefits enormously from skilled tradespeople who know how to build and maintain shit. 

Speaking of public infrastructure, you want a say in municipal and county government, so show up to those meetings. Care about things like taxes and visioning plans and the sewer grid. Join the Rotary Club. Send someone to Chamber of Commerce events. Integrate into the community!

YES, join the local arts scene! Go to things! Be good neighbours! Give the very isolated local kids a good look at people who went “We don’t like ordinary life, we’re doing something better”

This means the local people will already know and like you when you file a deeply unusual development permit for your little village on the farm (since you will need local government approval for a lot of it)

SO WHAT ABOUT THE FARM, you ask me?

Farms take time! Farms take work! Farms also require economies of scale--like, it is more efficient for one farm to make 200 bushels of something, than for two farms to each make 100 bushels each. Sure everyone can get their own garden plot, but not everybody needs their own complete set of tools and equipment. So you want as much as possible to be communal--to share tractors and shovels and pasturage and storage facilities etc etc etc.

It also helps to have lots of skilled tradespeople around so you can do things like construct geothermal greenhouses and solar arrays and all that good stuff.

I advise buying homes in town and building on the farm, eventually perhaps moving out to it, because trying to live in a tent while building something as fast as possible is a MISERABLE experience, y’all

And hey WHY NOT get the municipality to allow you to put a corral on some empty land on town so you can just ride your horse out to the farm on nice days if you want, look it’s my pastoral fantasy and it’ll have ponies if I want to

If local farms have lots of temporary seasonal labour, you could also look into charming the municipality into adding a rural bus route to its public transit, to get all your communal farm people into/out of town at the beginning/end of the day, and also give people who feel stuck at the farm they work at greater mobility and freedom

Another benefit to lots of people around your farm? Dairy animals cannot go unmilked. If you have any animal that produces milk, you HAVE to milk them on a strict regular schedule, or else they’re full of milk they can’t get out and it’s very painful and leads to medical problems. This makes it VERY hard for dairy farmers to take vacations, because they have to trade off doing double shifts with other dairy farmers--for one week, Farm A milks their animals and then goes over to Farm B and does all THEIR milking, twice a day, because later on, Farm B will do the same for them so they can go on their own vacation. UNLESS! You have a surplus of people capable of doing your milking, so you can be away from those goats you make cheese from for more than six hours. (Seriously, this is why, unless I know I won’t have to be nice to those assholes down the road, I refuse to contemplate dairy animals)

Also, over and above all of this--observe legal niceties. Ideals are great, but when your core couples have an acrimonious divorce, you want to make sure they can’t pull the rug out from under you. Incorporate as a legal entity. Use lawyers to make sure your concepts of who owns what, and who gets what money, and how people buy out if they want to leave, are very very certain. You will have some people who are all in on everything, some people who are only hanging around because their friend/family member/spouse is into it, and some who just stop by your parties and thinks you’re all cool. Prepare for these different levels of engagement.

AND THEN IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL

[radbrowndads]

My mamoo passed away last week. When my friends and co-workers asked who I lost, I called him “my uncle”, but in English, he’d be more accurately described as my “first cousin once-removed” or my mother’s cousin. I have been devastated to lose him. Some folks not familiar with the culture I was raised with probably read this and think: "I’m not even that close to my first cousins, so why is he grieving about his Mom’s cousin?" As with all of my work, I am incredibly loathe to explain things that are inherent to my perspective or attempt to validate my world view as the child of Muslim immigrants.

But I think the reason I grieve my mamoo is important. And I want people to know the reason. I also want my family, who for better or worse all share Facebook as a common platform, to understand what he meant to me.

The crux of the importance is in that word, mamoo. "Mother’s brother."

In Urdu and in practice, we never distinguished between my mother’s actual brother and my mother’s cousin, nor my father’s sister and my father’s cousin. All were the same. And family comes with things like loyalty, respect, and unconditional love. It also comes with drama and arguments. But family is there for you.

Now like any family, you are closer to some branches and less to others. For whatever reason, this mamoo and his three other siblings has always been very close to our branch. Every single one of my mother’s four cousins has been deeply present throughout my life. They were (and are!) older than my parents and all but one were born in British India, in Panipat, before Partition.

Somehow, losing him, especially so suddenly, made me (and my sister Zainab, who independently came to the same conclusion) realize something — the culture of my mother’s family (and probably my father’s too) is seeped through with a refugee’s loss of home. My mother and everyone younger than her only knew Pakistan, but they inherited this trauma of their parents losing self, of losing home, of giving up what we knew to go to a new homeland and not by choice. And they passed that down to us. I’ve written about why this Partition means a lot previously here (https://www.buzzfeed.com/ahmedaliak…/not-quite-eat-pray-love). But even still I did not realize that how deeply these lessons penetrated my consciousness until I lost my mamoo.

My mamoo was a child when that happened. I can't even bear to think of all the young children whose lives ICE has ruined, but while mamoo and family would never be able to return home to India, the family stayed together at least. And he and his siblings have been a living link to that past we were inculcated with. My grandfather died when I was two, so my mamoo was the oldest man on my mother’s side that I regularly spent any time with. I hesitate to say he was like my grandfather, because that wasn’t the relationship at all and it feels pandering to American sensibilities of what familial love is. But still, whether he knew it or not, he was one of the most important elder men in my family and I see his influence on many in our generation. The loss was not just of a beloved family member — but of another pillar that was holding the family together, despite us dispersing throughout the world and away from Panipat.

Now, I want to point out that I have not personally experienced any suffering from this sort of “refugee” mindset, as it might imply to some. I have immense social and economic privilege as the children of two doctors and I have everything I could have ever asked for. But I do have this feeling that our culture, our family, our love for another may be eroded over time away from home. My grandparents worried that time in Pakistan would erode the culture from Panipat. And I worry that time here will erode some of the good that I learned from Pakistani culture. There is no strict value to this change, but when I talk with outsiders about my family, they remark that they admire how close we are. How much we are there for each other. And I never want to lose that.

On a personal level, there were many things I admired about my mamoo. He was present at every function he could be, no matter how far. Despite living in Pakistan and the UK, he visited my dying mother an incredible amount of times with his wife, my mami-jaan, who we also lost a few years back. I would often wake up from the deep sadness of knowing you’re going to lose a parent to see that yes, once again, Lutfi mamoo and Anwar Mami had came. I would ask him…. “Did you come from Pakistan?” not believing he had made the trip again, just to sit with his younger sister. And inevitably, he had. He made it seem like it was nothing at all, that to be there for us in our time of need was as easy as breathing. Mashallah. I wish to be like that in my family’s lives one day.

He was funny and loving and giving. You could be stuffed full of food and he would still literally stick his hand down your throat with food. My father was never much of a feeder in that way, so I never stopped being tickled watching this grown man lovingly present his entire khandan with nawallas to choke down at every meal. Until I was his next target of affection and I had to find a way to fend him off.

Once, he fed me the most delicious nihari of my life…. And immediately I fell unbearably sick with food poisoning, as did my sisters. But I recovered. And he served nihari again. I told him I wouldn’t eat it a second time, but he insisted… he said the sheermal we had eaten the nihari with was stamped on by the shopkeepers feet. "Just don’t eat the sheermal." So I happily ate it again, sans sheermal, only to be poisoned again. My sisters smartly avoided the second serving. I survived, but when I returned five years later, he served us nihari again and this time, despite his legendary insistence, I had learned to say no (he blamed the sheermal again). But my father did not, and he was the victim for the third iteration of this dangerous nihari. I had never him sweat like that. But I laughed at Lutfi mamu’s belief in our stomachs ability to persevere and his belief in showing love through food. It was, after all, the best damn nihari ever. I don’t regret eating it twice.

Before Facebook was ubiquitous, I’d get completely random Skype calls from him. I always found it a bit strange, since the older generation rarely called me at that age. And even more interesting, he’d often be calling in bed, against a generic white painted wall. And I’d ask him if he was calling from Lahore, his home. And no, he’d be calling me from Zanzibar or somewhere else in East Africa his business took him. I didn’t even know his job took him there! But he called me to ask how I was doing, to update me on his life, to connect us. As a lot of Pakistanis know, oldest children are valued and when you’re a younger sibling, you can sometimes feel ignored. But I never felt that way with my mamu. Those calls were such intensely memorable experiences of an elder treating me as if I was worthy. That I was valuable to him. I don’t even remember what we talked about, but it stayed with me, that he decided I was worth calling.

I am better at reflecting on the dead than the living. But I would remiss also to not mention his four daughters who have always treated us with a lot of love and affection as well, a legacy they got from both their parents. And of course, I can’t forget to eulogize his wife, Anwar Mami, who I have such fond memories watching cricket and cooking pullao with. I remember she was very impressed I had taken the effort to learn the family dish and I don’t believe my cooking deserved the level of praise she gave me. But that’s just the way she was with me.

Back to the original thrust of this: Lutfi Mamu was not the first person to die recently. We have lost so many elders in the past few years, including Mamu’s older sister, Khalida Khala, who I don’t believe I wrote anything about because it felt so freakish as well, that one day my beloved Khala could be there, and then be gone to a medical complication. And the same with Mami jaan who died to a long battle with cancer, as did my mother and Nuzhat Usmani’s husband Salahuddin Khalu. And then, of course, things repeat themselves. And Lutfi mamu died to a complication, to a battle with recovery.

And I realize that these things are not freakish, they are not strange. They are the norm. It happened to my parents and they felt the loss of Panipat and it will happen to us and we will feel the loss of Pakistan. One day my generation and I will look around and we will be carrying the torch of the legacy of the family. For better or for worse, we all took something from our family. I don’t know that I valorize any family value besides loving the fuck out of your family, besides being there for people who need you, besides loving to share food. A lot of other stuff is negotiable and I don’t want to say that I think inherently being an Usmani is good.

But being a family who loves each other. Where a cousin’s child can grieve his mamoo, to feel truly and bitterly lost at losing another model of Usmanihood, of family, of loving…. That is what I believe we should hold on to. Because it’s easy to transition to new ways of living, of nuclear families and of individual needs over those of the many. But for me, that way lies a deep, painful loss. I don’t want to let that happen. Because ammi, my mamoo, my mami jaan, my khala, and all the others we lost would be intensely pissed to know that the family is not together. And a week in London with the family has me confident that we can make it work, but it requires humility and sacrifice. It requires calls from Zanzibar and force feeding nihari that makes you shit out your face and your ass because it comes with a moment of bliss.

After my mamoo’s funeral, I saw my niece Laila play with her cousins, who are my mom’s cousins grandchildren. And I hope in thirty years, when they all grow up, they’re still connected. Because we did the fucking work and made the calls.

EDIT: i keep editing this to add clarification, but i think at this point i need a new comment.

one, i am sure there are buzurgon i have forgotten to name. one major one i forgot is rehmat amma, who was truly and absolutely the legacy of my nani on this earth during my lifetime. and i am sorry if i have forgotten others, but i pray that all of their souls are at ease

two, one of the bitter contradictions about having a huge, closely knit family is that deep layers of sweet familiarity and love are also marked by constant, repetitive cycles of loss and death. it’s a hard, but i think ultimately useful perspective to have on life. death is ever-present, for each of us, and whether you turn to god for explanation or you use the loss to find balance, i believe it is useful to know that life is short and it ends and it ends and it ends. I wouldn’t trade that knowledge for anything.

[reitziluz]

psa: happy trans headcanons are radical and good

there’s nothing wrong in portraying different struggles, but you don’t have to include great struggle and suffering to your trans headcanon - trans people can have easy and happy lives, and it’s more than ok for your headcanon to be a happy escapist thing.

you don’t have to always center your headcanon around transitioning struggles or the character being denied access to treatments that they need and want. it’s good and radical to portray trans people who are post-transition (whatever that means to them!!) and in a good place in life. this goes double for trans adults - there are many of us who are autonomous and independent, who have overcome the hurdles between them and the treatments they want. it’s a good thing to portray characters like this to give hope, to remind people that yes it is possible, the future isn’t hopeless! 

i love the representation of different experiences regarding especially medical transitioning in fandom that mainstream media lacks. recently, however, i realized my discomfort with certain portrayals wasn’t just linked to my personal experiences with dysphoria, but to the way especially adult trans headcanons tend to focus on the characters being in a perpetual state of being denied the treatments they desperately need, instead of portraying for example non-op trans men through an affirming lens, as men who made and own their own decisions. this is talking about adult characters who in canon are independent, financially well-off, and otherwise in a very fortunate position to pursue medical transition!! why do we do this? why can’t we allow being trans to be a happy thing and trans people being successful even when everything in canon is enabling that? 

so especially my fellow trans folks, don’t feel like your headcanon is “too idealistic” or “too perfect” or any of that shit! if you don’t want to discuss the hardships or struggles, don’t! happy stories are useful and valuable too, especially when reality is often the opposite. 

[bykhanyisile]

To the future PCVs

There are an array of emotions Peace Corps applicants experience from applying, getting accepted, departing, Pre-service training and serving, but every stage is unique. We all come from diverse backgrounds with a set of experiences and skills that allow us to adapt/transition much easier. I’ve decided to create some sort of guide to all those future PCVs but always remember you are your own person and no matter how many blogs you read your experience will be distinctive to you.

1. Save da money!

Applicants wait around a year after applying and I wish Peace Corps would encourage us to focus on acquiring insurance or starting a savings account specifically for Peace Corps while we wait to hear back. The medical clearance process must be one of the most stressful procedures especially if you are independent or don’t have insurance. If you are early in the game dedicate your time to saving at least $1,000 on medical clearance and another $1,000 for in-country travel and experiences. The money in-country isn’t necessary if you don’t mind limiting yourself and your experiences. The living allowance is exactly enough to get by each month, which has been the most aggravating part for me. I went to school so I wouldn’t have to live check to check but I guess this teaches you how to budget and live a simpler life.

2. Close the chapters.

Personally, I feel that leaving any open chapters back home will have your heart, body and mind scattered, when you need every part of yourself for this experience. My advice is simply to handle all your issues with people, bills and anything else that may disturb you throughout the first 5 months of your service. The biggest dissatisfaction you can do to yourself and your community is not being present.

3. Prepare for the worst.

I’ve learned that setting your expectations extremely low will have you content or even thrilled once you arrive. If you go in expecting the same privileges you have back home it’ll be much harder for you to transition. I am sure life in any PC country isn't bad, if people in those communities can live in those conditions then our bougie asses can too.

4. Peace Corps Googles.

At times you will be lonely and want companionship and because of that you will start looking at people you would have never found attractive as the hottest shit. My only advice is try to distinguish between what are your true feelings and those that arise because of the experience. Despite Peace Corps googles, they say 80% of volunteers find their spouse here but don’t get your hopes up so early lol

5.Sexual Harassment.

Regarding sexual harassment & Peace Corps I can only speak of my experiences in Swaziland. I am proud to say we have an amazing Safety and Security Officer who trains us extensively for almost every possible scenario. We were basically prepared for the worst and the downfall of that was you enter your community assuming everyone wants to attack or harass you.

The first two months in my permanent site I walked around guarded and annoyed at every man who tried talking to me. I look back at those exchanges and I’m extremely disappointed in myself.

Of course, there are men who are annoying and follow you around trying to hit on you but AT TIMES it is us who are in control of what happens next. Nevertheless, every situation is different and it’s important for both current and future volunteers to learn how to differentiate between the men who are dangerous with those who are bored, shooting their shot, friendly or curious If not we lose more. We go home replaying those scenarios in our head only to have us creating more walls the next day and feeling the weight of every man who told you they loved you. So, my advice is be safe but don’t project your fears onto everyone you meet.

6. Clothing.

For those of you who put the effort in your appearance back home, you will want to be just as fly in Swaziland so bring all your favorite pieces. You are a volunteer, but you will also be travelling to different countries, hitting the pubs/clubs, meeting new people and you want to look presentable. Our appearance is important, no matter where you go people are always observing and criticizing your attire.

I remember the day I wore my cream vans and because of the dirt they looked dingy. Back home dirty converse/vans are somewhat acceptable but once my CC (sister) at my homestead saw them she begged me to go back and change. She said “CC, please take them off. You have so many shoes and you wear those, they are ruining your entire outfit. Please take them off and bring them to me I want to clean them for you.” The fact that she offered to clean them for me assured me I was looking crazy. People notice but whether they tell you or not is a different story.

Finally,

The most important piece of advice I can give is “do you”, trust in yourself and your abilities throughout every step of this process and be willingly to ride the waves an experience like this brings.

Good luck.

[miseriathome]

Some things that are bothering me:

Managers at both of my jobs have independently started using “you’re fired” as a cute quip towards me and I hate it a lot because my jobs are important to me and I have anxiety about the concept that I’m actually awful at them and that no one’s going to tell me until they fire me for being bad

My avoidant, constantly-dissociated ass (read as: brain) is really, truly, absolutely awful at forming memories and like... I’m used to it and I’m fine with it, so it’s really only distressing when I can’t live up to other peoples’ expectations, but it’s finals week and it’s super frustrating having to study harder than everybody else because I know almost none of it will stick unless I use every ounce of creativity I have to build associations that will keep the material in my head long enough to pass the test, but then I get paranoid that other people think my way of studying is bad or annoying

When I’m overwhelmed, I become a really annoying kind of dissociated where I get really talkative and ask a lot of questions and generally become a source of stress for those around me, and I think a series of unfortunate environments have turned some people off towards me recently

Medical shit, I don’t even know where to begin, I just don’t know how to get my doctors to be honest with me

I’m also super behind on homework and also life things, like I need to have started grad school applications already but I’m not even sure what I want to study anymore and honestly the more I learn about grad school and the more I think about how unequipped I am and always have been to handle academic settings, the less I think I should do it (but then like...???? career? money??)

I also had a very uniquely profound experience at an audition camp recently and I just... don’t know what to do about it? Because I feel negatively about it but it wasn’t a negative experience per se, but it was also super off-base and something about it needs to be addressed, but I don’t know how to do that, and it’s just ever so slightly distressing to know that almost nobody could vouch for me about what happened

And I really have to put together a plan for where else I’m going to audition, because I honestly don’t know but it’s beyond stressful to think about

Plus I've been putting a lot of thought into hrt and other physical transition things recently, which is a whole can of worms?

And something something I think previous medical shit I had worked on reconfigured how my body does hormones. Which is. Mildly unsettling.

[openamenta]

a summary of in color, by lintamande

{I have trouble reading long things where I don’t know what will happen. @theunitofcaring, who is great, wrote this summary of in color. I appreciate it a lot and would like it to be available to more people who might have my or other things} ((edited by Alicorn to have paragraphs and a cut and fix a couple small errors))

In Anitam, a medium-sized country in Amenta with patrilineal caste inheritance, Afen (a Fëanor), son of a powerful politician, chafes at being blue instead of green like his dead mother. He runs away from home and bluffs his way into a green university. He’s good at it. Between his obvious suitedness and his powerful friends, no one wants the fuss that’d go with prosecuting him; he gets several degrees and a tenure-track job, marries green and buys green credits for his kids.

His firstborn is Aitim (a Maitimo), about as miserable green as his father was blue. Aitim starts maneuvering to get acknowledged as blue very nearly as soon as he can walk, pulls this off again partially on his own merits and partially with his grandfather indulgently pulling strings. He is very quiet about his unusual background, though everyone important knows it, and starts training for national political office with a impressive diplomatic career. His secondborn is Makel (a Macalaurë), who becomes a phenomenally successful pop star, tours internationally, makes millions, buys his parents more child credits, and goes around being somewhat careless with his wealth and extremely careful with his image. He’s the best and he knows it.  Third one is Telkam (a Tyelcormo). He’s dyslexic and not particularly good at any green skills and becomes an actor in low-budget action thrillers. He’s depressed and insecure and spends a lot of time pretending to be anyone at all but the disappointing son of an extraordinary family. At story’s start he is sleeping with his stunt coach, dyeing his hair grey, and mostly out of touch with his family. 

3422

A blue in Voa (the second-largest country in the world, a major food exporter) arranges for all of the nation’s food distribution to pass through red hands. He does this in the hopes that everyone’ll get over their fear of pollution and be able to integrate with reds. It doesn’t happen like that; people go hungry, make themselves ill with disgust, spend all their time showering. Even worse, all of the countries to which Voa exports food declare war on Voa for poisoning their food supply. The objective of the war is to conquer a bunch of Voa’s farmland and use it to produce food themselves, so they can be independently food-secure. 

Telkam’s boyfriend enlists, and coaxes Telkam into enlisting also. Anitam joins the war. Telkam learns Tapap from the Tapai soldiers they’re serving alongside, and teaches his father back at home. Camped out during a ceasefire, Telkam hears a girl sobbing on the phone and begging her mother to steal money for something. He goes over to be nosy.  The girl is Peka (a Rebecca), a Tapai red enlisted alongside the unit to handle the dead. She enlisted because her family is leasing a child credit for her daughter Katin, and if they fail to pay it off then Tapa will euthanize Katin. She’s terrified the war will end and they won’t be able to make the payments. Katin was unplanned; the father was an orange boy who raped Peka. 

After trying unsuccessfully to get Makel’s secretary to give him the money to pay off Katin’s credit, Telkam suggests Peka bleach her hair and come back to Anitam with him, where he will get Aitim to give her citizenship papers. Peka, once she realizes he’s serious, agrees to this. (This is several capital crimes at once; desertion, pollution violations, disguising oneself while red). Peka and baby Katin (who doesn’t need to dye her hair, it’s naturally orange) get smuggled into Anitam under cover of a concert by Makel for the troops. Telkam does not tell his family that they’re red, just that they’re illegal immigrants.

Elsewhere the nation of Orvara runs a pilot program in which purples do red jobs and decontaminate afterwards, in a rotation so none of them get irrevocably unclean. Reds are driven out of the city where the pilot program occurs and left to die. This pilot program of Orvara’s is greeted by enthusiasm internationally; everyone wants to be rid of their reds. A peace agreement is reached in the war.  Peka starts doing sex work (which is grey in Anitam) out of Telkam’s apartment. She also hits it off with Makel, because she’s an enthusiastic fan of his and has a great singing voice and musical ear herself. He invites her to his recording studio and eventually asks her out; they start dating.

With Peka’s suggestions Aitim starts a program to reach out to Anitam’s reds and improve their living conditions. His cousin Isel (an Aredhel) spearheads it, and tries with very limited success to get cops prosecuted for murdering reds unprovoked and so on.  Peka and Makel’s relationship gets serious; they start discussing marriage. Peka deflects; she’s scared the kids would have red hair and give her away. Katin gets settled at an orange school learning to become a daycare worker and is very happy.

Winter comes. There’s a blizzard. Lots of reds are stranded unable to get back to their districts; most of them freeze to death. Aitim hears about a couple and invites them into his office to not freeze; he is discomfited by being confronted with how terrified reds are of everyone else. He’s more discomfited when Isel shows up and the reds know her and adore her, just because she occasionally gave half a shit about horrible injustices.

Elsewhere the blizzard strands Peka at Makel’s without her hair dye; she tries to dye it with not-intended-for-hair bleach in the middle of the night, gives herself a chemical burn. Makel figures out she’s red, yells at her that he thought he loved her and runs off to have a breakdown in the shower. Peka tries to convince him not to have Katin killed/packed off to the red district and then curls up in the bathroom crying. Eventually he pulls himself together and comes back to inform her that he’s not going to have her killed. Things are awkward. He calls Telkam to complain about Telkam not telling him. They have an argument. He apologizes to Peka. Things remain awkward.  He decides that he still loves her and will keep the secret.  —– It’s

3423

. Orvara, happy with the results of their trial program, expels the reds from the rest of their cities and switches over to using rotating purples for red tasks. The reds mostly flee to an abandoned mining town in the mountains, where they slowly starve to death. Isel and her family lobby to get some of them imported to Anitam. It’s a politically costly and protracted fight, because Anitam pretty much never takes immigrants, but they get a few visas. They go out to the abandoned mining town to let the reds know. Isel asks Telkam to come as security (because she thinks actual greys might hurt the reds) and Telkam recommends Peka.

A few of Orvara’s reds come back to Anitam. One of the reds is a very premature and very sick newborn baby with purple hair; Telkam grabs the kid and shows up at a hospital in Anitam claiming it’s his by a purple mother, gets the kid medical treatment, and adopts him. His name is Ladah.

Makel and Peka talk about getting married. Summer arrives. In the southern hemisphere, the nation of Biyan issues their reds no child credits. The reds panic, successfully burn down one city’s blue district and are killed attempting the same thing across the country, and balk en masse at teaching their replacements to do their jobs. Biyan takes hostage (and tortures, though this is barely hinted at in the text) all the red children to have leverage to force the reds to do what they’re told. The Anitami government can not be persuaded to object to this beyond writing a disapproving letter.  A Biyan red gets a gun somehow, breaks into where the kids are being kept, and shoots them all, then herself. There’s a mass suicide (with probably some murder of recalcitrant participants) of all Biyan’s reds. Biyan has no way to do anything about pollution and scrambles frantically.

Makel and Peka get engaged and have a very fancy wedding optimized for the money they can make selling picture to tabloids; they are worried they’ll need it with current events going the way they’re going. They’d been planning a baby in the spring but put it off in light of the international situation. Aitim hears that Evalee and Cene are contemplating doing a transition to purples also. Telkam asks him this and he tells him.

Telkam gets a job in a gun shop and starts buying weapons out of their inventory. He goes to Evalee. He leaves working pocket everythings with messages for the local reds in the trash, coordinates to leave them guns and explosives in the trash, does that. The reds shoot all the Evaleen purples training to replace them and start taking out blue politicians as well. Evalee scrambles to figure out who gave the reds guns but can’t find anything because they’re not checking the garbage. Evalee cuts off food to its red districts. Telkam enlists help from his father in deleting Evaleen government training videos for replacement purples. Evalee limps along by feeding only the reds who show up for work and only when they show for work. Everybody else, seeing what a mess this is, declines to go ahead with it themselves.

When Peka and Makel get back from their honeymoon Peka’s sister is waiting for her. Inspired by Peka’s success she pretended to be grey and snuck out also.

Nertel writes a paper proposing a procedure by which reds could be made clean. It takes six months and involves chemotherapy and blood transfusions and bone marrow transplants. —–

3424: 

With an alternative to ‘sit around waiting for the reds to all die’ in hand, everyone desperately tries to convince Telkam to return home before he’s caught. (Evalee is looking really hard for him, but they don’t have a good way to check the garbage.) Telkam agrees, throws out all of the food in all of the apartments in his building so the reds have something to eat, and goes home in time for clinical trials of the reds-cleaning thing.

Three reds go through it. Isel gets them jobs working in her vacation home. The neighbors are unhappy and skittish around them.  Politicians try to get Evalee to back down on starving its reds. Evalee doesn’t back down. Biyan flounders, having no reds to do red work, and international sanctions are imposed because of their pollution problem. No one else tries it.

Kantil (fourth son of Afen and Nertel’s, a caste-abolitionist economist) decides that he wants to marry a purple business owner because he’s really into the skills involved in business ownership. He gets a meeting with Isama, the CEO of Amentan!IKEA (called Assemble), asks her tons of questions about the regulatory environment and how she got her company working, decides he’s in love, and asks her out. Together they lobby the government to have better worker protection laws; she knows what’s needed and he knows how to phrase things so blues will listen.

Makel and Peka tell Katin, now a teenager, Peka’s backstory (which implies that Katin, too, is red). She’s deeply upset and spends a lot of time showering but keeps it secret.

At a family dinner Isama hears about the red decontamination thing, and is very unimpressed that Anitam is planning to let the reds turn purple, which she thinks reflects an attitude that purples are just your dumping ground for people who aren’t good at anything else. Aitim thinks this is reasonable and they start pushing to let ex-reds match into whichever caste matches what they did when they were red. They get a batch with some prospective yellows and oranges and greens.

Aitim, Kan, and Isel decide to set up a red with their cousin Inlad, who is well-intentioned but a bit clueless and condescending and has an absolute fascination with the plight of Oppressed Peoples. The reds produce a candidate who wants to become a blue and is willing to put up with all the weird fetishizing required. Her name is Shasali and she’s a community organizer for the reds - coordinates work schedules and riots and stuff, though she doesn’t advertise the latter. She goes through decontamination, gets set up as an intern to a judge in yellow criminal, deals with vague hostility and a lot of skepticism, and marries Inlad in the fall (they want a baby in the spring, to cement the thing as soon as possible.)

Kantil and Isama also get married.  Makel and Peka, Kantil and Isama, and Inlad and Shasali all buy credits for the spring. 

3425:

Persons with credits get pregnant. Shasali’s a star judicial intern and after three seasons gets promoted to a judge in yellow criminal. Babies are born and much doted on. Makel and Peka’s daughter Ana is born with red hair; they pretend she has immunodeficiency problems which prevent visitors until she’s old enough to hold still while they bleach it.

Aitim pulls strings to get some blue-involved financial fraud and embezzling cases to come up on Shasali’s docket in yellow criminal; Shasali then takes bribes to drop the cases in the form of support for red decontamination. Someone accuses Aitim of doing this but there is of course not the slightest of evidence.  Anitami reds aggressively organize themselves to make the decontamination thing a success. They push through people who’ll be great candidates for clean castes first, monitor each other to avoid anyone getting in trouble, do all their work promptly, and raise money to pay for more decontaminations (which are still being funded through private charity).

Evalee is trying to arrange to hire Orvaran purple plumbers and sanitation workers to train their purples so they can replace their reds. Isel frantically tries to figure out how to prevent this from happening. Eventually, in desperation, she goes to Telkam, who is vague about whether he might be able to do anything but requests a lot of money.

One of the ex-red purples confides in a coworker, who murders her and then immediately calls the police to report a pollution violation. The Anitami courts initially shrug. Shasali panics; she and her husband hire private security but aren’t sure those will protect them either. Appropriate pressure is brought to bear and the Anitami courts execute the murderer, albeit with a little bit of ‘not that we don’t see where he was coming from’.

Telkam goes to Makel and asks that Makel do an impromptu foreign tour through a list of countries where he wants to establish contact with the local reds the same way he did it in Evalee, by leaving working computers in the garbage and trusting the reds to sometimes salvage them, finding a message with an email address. Makel discusses this with his wife and goes ahead and does it.  Telkam leaves the pocket everythings around and gets directed to an out-of-date wiki for a unpopular TV show. In the talk pages of the wiki there’s discussion and coordination of how reds can survive events. They contemplate various forms of terrorism to prevent Evalee from moving ahead with the transition. The possibility of taking blue children hostage is discussed. Telkam calls Isel to indirectly ask for information about which Evalee blues could back down if they saw fit. Isel asks Aitim and reports to Telkam. Telkam posts the information.

Evalee reds take six uncannily well-chosen blue babies hostage, dye their hair red and keep them among the rest of the Evalee reds. They demand their government pay for decontamination and safe passage to Anitam.  Anitam doesn’t want insane murderous hostage-taking reds; the demand actually fractures the tentative coalition in favor of decontaminating Anitami reds, who have not been involved in any recent riots or troublemaking. Evalee asks for Anitam to pretend to take the deal and then shoot the reds once the hostages have been safely returned. Anitam considers it.  With much frantic scrambling from politicians Anitam rejects that plan and says they’ll take the reds for an exorbitant decontamination fee if there’s somewhere to send them afterwards, maybe Evalee should buy up some rainforest.

Under lots of pressure from their upset blues, Evalee buys some rainforest, going deep into debt to any country who will loan them money. Anitam accepts the reds for decontamination. The blue toddlers are returned home. The reds expect to be murdered at that point; they aren’t. Anitam diligently chemotherapy-and-bone marrow-and-blood-transfusions them.  Kantil starts figuring out a structure for trade deals and so on for the new country; Isama makes plans to open a factory there. They send stuff to the reds, who change it around mostly because they want ownership of the situation themselves.  Evalee is openly planning to bomb the rainforest once the reds are there. Isel sells off most of her assets in order to fund vacations to the rainforest for tons and tons of Anitami greens to ‘study the process of a new country being founded’ and serve as human shields. —–

3426 

- Tapa sends Anitam a trial batch of Tapa reds to decontaminate. Biyan continues to flounder. Isama opens a factory in Miolee. Anitami greens parade around being human shields. An Anitami ex-red murders the police officer who killed her brother. She is executed. There is now a significant population of ex-reds raising money for more decontaminations.

A boat of Orvaran reds, who have somehow survived since their expulsion a few years back and were now trying to get to Miolee, wash up in Calado. Isel throws herself into trying to convince Calado to send them over to Miolee, which will decontaminate them. She sells the rest of her assets to buy Miolee a decontamination facility with adequate procedures and Anitami supervision. Eventually Calado agrees to send the reds over; Miolee retrieves them. Makel and Peka talk and decide to get Peka, Katin, and baby Ana decontaminated in the Mioleen facility in the winter, just in case this helps convince anyone not to execute them should the truth come out.

A Tapai ex-red is viciously assaulted by a grey who notices his roots showing; the grey gets a minor ticket for damaging the window he smashed the red’s head through. Anitam tried to persuade Tapa to actually prosecute crimes against ex-reds, but Tapa thinks this is absurd. Grey stalks and attempts to murder another ex-red in her home; she fights back, he dies, and she’s arrested for murder. Anitam protests. She’s acquitted of murder but convicted of improper use of lethal force in self-defense, and the grey’s families retaliate by burning down an entire red district and killing everyone in it. Tapa is worried that reds will riot over this; they cut their reds off from the internet, shuffle them around to make it harder for them to coordinate riots, and impose stringent security and curfews.  Peka is worried about her family; Makel schedules a tour in Tapa and she goes, waits for the garbage crew after a concert, contacts old friends, and confirms that her family is still alive but terrified. She and Makel agonize over whether there’s any way to get Peka’s little brother out. They can’t come up with anything.

Cene conquers Biyan. This is by international norms perfectly reasonable (Biyan wasn’t managing their pollution) and everyone acknowledges the new government.  Winter comes around. Peka and her children go off to get decontaminated. Makel sends the family photoshopped images of them all on a beach vacation elsewhere and frets. —–

3427

- A blue political intern working on gun control policy stumbles across evidence that Telkam gave the Evaleen reds their weapons. He decides to use this to blackmail Aitim. Aitim convinces him to help cover it up (since the blackmail will be less useful if other people have it too), pays him off, and periodically does him favors.

Anitam finishes transitioning away from reds. Ex-reds still do the red jobs, but now just decontaminate at the end of a shift, like the Orvaran approach. Makel and Peka have another baby, Elemi.This one thankfully has green hair. Shasali (the ex-red blue) and Inlad and Kantil and Isama also have babies. Katin graduates from school and looks for an ex-red boyfriend since she knows she’s running some risk of a red-haired kid. She starts dating one.

That summer Aitim runs for office. He runs a highly successful series of political ads making a point of his cross-caste family and particularly his purple sister-in-law. He wins.  The country of Rivik has their reds train purples, promising to send the reds to Miolee when they’re done. Instead they murder them. This causes a little bit of international annoyance, mostly because it means no one else’s reds will trust them if they try to do the same thing. They form a coalition to threateningly imply Rivik’s leadership should retire. Rivik’s leadership instead doubles down instead. There’s a coup and they’re all shot.

One of the ex-red blues asks Isel out. She observes that she is not a very desireable blue marriage prospect because 1) some borderline-treason activities 2) flat broke 3) universally known as That Reds Person. He thinks she’s perfect and he owns the former red district, now prime downtown land. They start dating. 

3428

: Ladah has his first spring. He has bad springs. He acquires a girlfriend who is transparently using him for access to his famous family; he’s fine with that. Aitim and Kan have kids with a lesbian blue couple in a similar situation.  Tapa cleans Peka’s little brother. He goes purple and gets married to his girlfriend who also marries her girlfriend.

Katin’s ex-red boyfriend is beaten nearly to death on the street by someone who overheard a conversation and figured out he was ex-red. The judge lets her off; Aitim pulls strings and forces the culprit to at least pay his medical expenses. Katin’s boyfriend is completely baffled that Katin’s family would do that for him.

Voa starts cleaning its reds. More countries want to do the thing, but there are trust problems after what Rivik did. Miolee offers to take hostages; no one takes them up on that. Miolee offers to take money and return it when the reds arrive safely. One country has a logistics fuckup and the reds panic and a massacre ensues. Miolee doesn’t return their money. There is international brinksmanship over this. Aitim tells the ex-red Anitami ambassador to Miolee that Anitam isn’t going to back Miolee in a war. They scheme to change that. They come up with a plan for Intal Neli’s obnoxious great-granddaughter to marry an ex-red blue so he’s invested in Miolee’s continued wellbeing. Ex-red blue and obnoxious great-granddaughter hit it off. Intal Neli acquires a little bit of a monetary interest in Miolee. War is avoided.  Afen figures out a warp drive. —–

3429:

Anitam bumps credits while they secretly work on warp. Most sets of parents in the story have children. Anitam’s mysteriousness makes everyone else nervous and Anitam strategically leaks things to defuse tensions. They have a successful test and then go public with everything. Aitim uses the leverage to make malingering countries transition their reds. Amenta goes to space.

[autistickitten]

1/? Hey, I realize I didn't get back to Sister Cat about that last appointment I had with the psychiatrist that didn't want to diagnose me ! So yeah, he definitely doesn't want to diagnose me w/ anything, so after that last appointment I was kinda depressed and like, totally giving up (being gay and trans, the fact that i already had to deal with a transition and all homo and transphobia, it really makes it hard for me to have the energy to fight like i did while transitioning, plus i heard...

heard from someone who is autistic too and is seeing him for other stuff as well, that it's no use to try to be dxed by him and the cra, cause being in the psychanalysis movement and giving the fact that he somehow won't diagnose any trans person as autistic anyway (i'll spare the details here cause it's long to explain and i don't have much of the details)and there's pretty much no way of being dxed here in northern fRance so yeah i pretty much just gave up.

But... I'm kinda scared ? Like. I feel like when my parents will die, i literally will have no way of surviving ? like i won't have a house, i won't have any money or anything, and that's why i wanted to be dxed in the first place, so i could at least have a way to handle this kind of situation, you know.

So yeah i don't really know what to do, everything is pretty much shit, and the world is awful and people are fucked up and i hate everyone and everything and the only thing that keeps me alive is that i want to be there for my mum cause me being dead would hurt her so bad and i don't want that.

So yeah. I'm sorry if i'm being too depressive or if i make you uneasy but... I don't know i just, kinda, wanted to give you and update, and like, you don't have to say anything if you don't know what to say, don't worry, I don't want to bother you or anything but i needed to like, pull this out. I hope you're okay and thanks again for all the work you're doing here

Wow, sorry for taking a long time to answer, uni is kicking my butt hard right now ... I do appreciate the update

I’m so sorry that the psychiatrist you saw won’t diagnose you, ugh. I’m from Bretagne so I don’t know much about diagnosis resources or trans-friendly doctors in the north :( It’s a long shot, but you could try contacting Trans Inter Action ? They are also not in northern france, but they’re in contact with at least one autistic trans dude (probably more), so he might have some resources for you ? (I don’t want to say his name in public but I’ve been to one of his conferences before and he’s super inspirational)

As for living independently from your parents, maaaaaan, I have the same fears. You should totally try and get the AAH from your local MDPH even without an autism diagnosis, you just need a certificat medical from your regular doctor explaining all your difficulties. The more details, the better your chances of getting it are ! Here’s a forum thread detailing all the financial help you can get from the government and other tips too, might help ?

Hang in there

- Sister Cat

[thenichibro]

Spring 2017 Anime First Impressions

This season doesn’t really seem to have a posterchild show like last season, which had both a new KyoAni work and Konosuba’s follow-up. However, there’s some good slice-of-life and top-tier fanservice, so as usual there will be ups and downs, weighted towards the latter of course. (This paragraph is short because I had a huge rant here about Anime Strike and its effect on consumers/businesses, but I’m pretty sure no-one who follows me gives a shit about actual discussion of the industry, so I’ll spare you.)

With MAL links, and original shows marked:

Alice to Zouroku (MAL) Starting off we have a hefty 40-minute episode, which follows Sana, a girl with supernatural powers, escaping from a reserach lab. She is chased by the organization's other power-users, and snares the other main character, Kashimura, in a bad-CG-filled car chase. I like Kashimura as that sort of grizzled old man type moreso than a generic teenage protag in this sense. His no-nonsense attitude contrasts well with the haughty-yet-childish one of Sana. In addition, I like the subtle humor near the end of the episode that contrasts what you think Kashimura's line of work is with what it actually is. The animation looks somewhat plain, and the CG is honestly just bad. The entire sequence could have used hand-drawn, but for a solid 2-3 minutes it was hard to look at. Other than that there isn't anything especially new here - reality-warping powers, dangerous medical research - we've seen it before. I don't really think this needed a 40-minute episode, but we'll see where it goes.

Rokudenashi Majutsu Koushi to Akashic Records (MAL) Any show with a school uniform that highlights midriffs gets points in my book. Starting off, we have the eccentric (in this case lazy) teacher, Glenn, starting at a magic school. There's the haughty noble girl, Sistine, oft-embarrased by the teacher's antics, and her quieter sister Rumia. While setting itself up as a comedy in episode 1, episode 2 has everything from a shouting match culminating in a slap to military thugs sexually assaulting Sistine - so I'm honestly not sure which way this is going. The boastful-but-easily-embarrased Sistine contrasts well with the smooth-with-nothing-to-back-it-up Glenn. We have the brewings of a wider plot, with why Glenn was assigned to the school if he's a bum and Sistine having a goal of discovering secrets of a floating island. The animation overall is still quite good, which helps in a magic-casting show. Helps the fanservice out too. I don't have high expectations for this show, but the lower the bar the easier this show will impress.  I just hope it focuses on a single direction in the plot instead of trying to have comedic episodes and dark episodes.

[Original] Sakura Quest (MAL) Starting with a bubbly OP (and ending with a similarly fantastic ED), we have the first slice-of-lie this season. I love the genre, I love the country locale, I love the art, and I loved Shirobako. I have high hopes. Our main girl Koharu wants to get out of the country and get a job in Tokyo, but the job she gets (by mistake, even) is back in the country at a tourism board. Sakura Quest puts an interesting spin on the country locale, setting Manoyama up as both tranquil yet struggling - and I like it. It brings a sense of realism to an oft-idealized setting. The language of taxes, grants, and the real strategy of creating "mini independent states" to boost local tourism echoes Shirobako in its depiction of life, and that's good. Koharu is plucky, insistent, and overall just a joy to watch. I'm refreshed any time a show does something about not high-school students or teenagers in general. Focusing the story on adults that have established lives (or even better, that are trying to establish their lives) gives the slice of life genre, well, new life. Showing the smooth transition between the comedic and the sentimental, with background music to match, the tonal shifts are nothing abrupt, a the first episode flowed well. P.A. Works certainly has a hit-or-miss record with original shows, and Sakura Quest thus far is more Shirobako and less Glasslip. I'm looking at an AOTS contender already.

Clockwork Planet (MAL) Starting off with an impressively boring action sequence, we have our heroes led by a (I'm sure incredibly powerful) kid defeat a bunch of automatons. A world created entirely of clocks, and a main character (Naoto) obsessed with tinkering with them. My primary conception from the summary was more apocalyptic, with the main character being a wandering junker who finds an automaton (Imagining the world looking sort of like Gargantia, with less water). Maybe I'm just standoffish because instead we got a high school kid with an annoying voice that finds a girl who proceeds to call him "Master." This is of course after the fact that despite Naoto being unable to fix a single clock, he easily opens and fixes the girl, one of the most top-of-the-line automatons created. Naturally. As far as the "clockwork" aesthetic goes, instead of a rusty, machinic society the world looks exactly like any other city, except with random gears everywhere. At one point it shows a character driving an otherwise normal car, but in the door of the car there are gears that look like they aren't connected to anything, just there to remind you of the title. Regarding the animations, they're not great, echoing the facial style of something like Baka to Test or Kore wa Zombie Desu Ka? - only this show is airing in 2017. Also, a shot shows a bunch of gears falling from a guy's hand feels the need be CG. Ugh. Shoved-in fanservice on top of all of this makes this a show I already regret starting. Avoid.

Eromanga-Sensei (MAL) Next up, we have the second original series from the famed creator of "It's Okay to Fuck Your Sister if She Likes Porn," This one uniquely titled "It's Okay to Fuck Your Sister if She Draws Porn." Sibling bonding over erotic fiction/art. Wew. Nothing else to expect from OreImo's creator, but similar themes do not a similar plot make. I hope. The first episode is the reunion, where Masamune finds his shut-in sister Sagiri is Eromanga-sensei, his LN ero-artist. I'll give it this - Sagiri is leagues cuter than Kirino. Man, fuck Kirino. Naturally the art is similar to OreImo, especially Masamune, only I think his hair's a bit greener. Other than that, though, the animation is smooth. Eromanga-Sensei starts off on a much more sentimental note, with discussions of dreams, mourning parents, etc. Other than one main fanservice-y scene and the fact that they connect over erotic art, the sentimental is certainly preferable. ClariS return for the ED of ep1, and it's fantastic as ever. I mean, seriously, Nexus as the OP for OreImo was the best part of the show. Judging from the key art this may well become a harem, but we'll see. So far it beats OreImo, but that's a low bar.

Sakurada/Sagrada Reset (MAL) I don't know why the changed the romanization to "Sagrada," but then again I don't know Japanese in the first place. Sakurada Reset follows Kei and Haruki, with the powers of recalling the past perfectly and being able to reset time, respectively. The town of Sakurada gives people the powers for basically no reason, but on the other hand that's not really the point - the assumption is that this is normal. Set up to be friends by Soma, the enigmatic class rep, Kei aims to get Haruki to help him help people, using their powers. Haruki is adamantly opposed, for fear Kei could exploit her, as she herself doesn't remember anything after resetting. Sakurada Reset certainly doesn't set itself up as a comedy, but rather a series of sobering investigations undertaken by Kei and Haruki. There's a lot of pseudo-philosophical bullshit off the bat ("You're unable to believe your own righteousness, yet you continue to be righteous."), and yet the show isn't interesting enough for me to look any deeper. Add to that a surprisingly dark first investigation topic, and I'm already kind of tired of this. If you like HaruChika (which I didn't) with darker themes, then give this a watch. Otherwise, I'd avoid.

Hinako Note (MAL) Back on the slice of life train, Hinako Note follows, well, Hinako, a girl who sucks at speaking, moving to Tokyo to go to high school and get better via the theater club. She moves into a bookstore-cafe combo, living with Kuu, who likes books so much she eats them, and Mayu, the short girl who dresses like a maid. Also introduced is Aki, the quiet landlady and a theater troupe leader on the side. The only conflict is that the theater club is shut down, and so Aki suggests Hinako simply form a troupe with the rest of the girls. The OP/ED show we'll meet a fifth girl, so I expect that soon. Speaking of the OP/ED, they're both incredibly fast paced, sung by the cast, and remind me of Teekyuu's OP style, if you like that. The animation is pretty good, though the show really likes going into chibi-style a lot. Probably more a style choice than budgetary problem, and I don't mind it. Overall, it seems like the theater setup could produce a wealth of interesting scenarios, and the girls are cute. Not much else I need.

[Original] Tsuki ga Kirei (MAL) Last on the slice-of-life roster, we have an self-described slow paced school story, and an original from feel. studios to boot. I'm excited. Starting in the third-year of middle school is interesting, because that means all the relationship-forming is already done. (To be done away with when they get to high-school though, I'm sure). Akane is a sincere, shy girl on the track team, while Kotarou is a similarly shy novice writer and spends club time as the school's librarian. They share off glances at each other, leading to a nervous, stammering meeting at a family restaurant where not much else happens. "Slow-paced," to be sure. The animation matches the shows sort of muted tone, with no massive eyes (or tits), no multicolored hair, etc. It's clear Tsuki ga Kirei aims to tell a more-or-less realistic love story. One thing I did notice, mostly in the beginning of the episode, was the crowd shots combined with CG. Honestly, just do closer shots so you can avoid CG-ing people. It never looks good. The first episode sort of confirmed my feeling that this show will be a nice way to decompress each week, as we watch Akane and Kotarou grow slowly closer. If the title's any indication, their relationship will have its awkward moments, but there's nothing more essentially youth than that, right? Unlike many original works, this show doesn't look like it will go in any strange direction, and that consistency is relaxing. Give this a watch.

Zero kara Hajimeru Mahou no Sho (MAL) Furry Berserk, I guess? ZeroSho follows the unnamed beastman "Mercenary" and Zero, a mage, as they search for Zero's Grimoire, the basis of all magic. The show follows a typical fantasy setting, with mages at war with a ruling empire, and beastmen subjugated by everyone. Interestingly, "sorcery" differs from "magic" - the former requires a summoning circle, long casts, etc., while the latter is quick and far more deadly. More interesting is the fact that Zero wrote the book on magic. I normally enjoy overpowered characters, and in this case that power is packed into a cute, ahoge-sporting mage loli. Definitely a plus. Something else the struck me as unique was the comedic moments throughout the episode. Thus far Mercenary and Zero play off each other quite well, and I'm interested to see where it goes. There's the standard background of discrimination against beastmen/witches and Mercenary's war-torn past, but at least if it's been signposted now it won't be jarring later. This show surprised and impressed, and I'm interested to see how it goes. And man, Zero's cute.

Anonymous Noise (MAL) For whatever reason, I've been waiting for this to come out for a while. I'm not sure why, but when there were any cast announcements or key visuals, etc. I always recognized the name. Anyway, Anonymous Noise sees Nino Arisugawa - "Alice," a loner singer starting high school reunite with her childhood singing friend Kanade Yuzuriha - "Yuzu." Right from the start, this show is very, very shoujo. The eyes, the immediate drama, everything is very shoujo. Not necessarily a problem, but be aware that's what this is. Amazing how a dramatic reunion could immediately turn to "Never talk to me again," but that's the genre I guess. Regarding the music, as this is a musical show, there was one main performance, and if I'm honest I thought Alice's voice was quite rough. The music per se isn't a problem - the sound echoes Scandal or Stereopony, bands that do some harder rock that I both love. The vocals, at least in the song they played, weren't to my liking. I was unaware of just how shoujo this show is, and I hope it doesn't become any more overbearing than it already has. I have low expectations on that front. From the insert song and the ED, I know I like the sound, so if the vocals keep up and the shoujo stays down, this won’t be bad. On the other hand, I can't say I expect both of those things to happen.

Sin Nanatsu no Taizai (MAL) Best for last, amirite? Aka “Seven Mortal Sins,” SinNNT is unabashed, unapologetic fanservice. As a quick note, make sure to skip the HorribleSubs release on this one, only because their release is censored. Censored like Shinmai Maou no Testament censored (and that's bad). Anyway, the story involves Lucifer falling first to Earth and then to Hell, where after a short sexual assault by Leviathan (Envy) she proceeds to challenge the other sins for control. Back on Earth, the nun Lucifer passed as she fell to hell (as well as giving her some blood) is having her own daily life. (Don't worry, there's still groping between her and her friend). There's over-the-top transformation sequences, grandiose music, and plenty of inane sexual situations. I honestly have no idea where this show is going - whether it's going to be in Hell, on Earth - but let's be real, no-one really cares. The animation budget is actually pretty great for this show, and that means the fanservice is top tier. As if I need to write anything about this show - it's distilled fanservice. Watch it, or don't.

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[shirlleycoyle]

Poorly Designed Curfews Are Wreaking Havoc on Cities

On Tuesday evening, about 30 minutes before New York City's curfew hit at 8 p.m., a man tried to enter a Union Square subway entrance, only to find it was barricaded shut and lined with police officers in riot gear.

“Where can I get in?” the man asked, who declined to provide his name to Motherboard because he didn’t want to be publicly associated with the protests.

“14th and 4th,” the officer told him, and pointed to the other side of the park. But that entrance was barricaded, too.

Across the city, people trying to get home before curfew hit were obstructed by the police or city-imposed shutdowns of transportation systems, creating confusion about how they were supposed to travel during the curfew imposed in response to George Floyd protests.

This confusion echoed what happened around the country in previous days as other cities imposed curfews or shut down their transportation systems entirely, sometimes on minutes’ notice—such as Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, and Cincinnati—stranding millions of people.

“During protests, transit agencies must make every effort to continue transporting riders, who are not served by diverting resources to police, or by extensive suspensions of service,” TransitCenter said in a statement. “Transit agencies must strive to enable freedom of movement, even in challenging conditions.”

The confusion about how to get to where people needed to go only underscored the complicated set of rules imposed in New York, a city of more than eight million people on short notice, with little to no enforcement oversight as several reporters documented violations of the city’s own curfew rules.

The city issued a four-page FAQ on the curfew order that, far from making things clearer, only exemplifies the contradictions of the curfew policy. One thing the policy does make clear, along with the experiences several reporters and other essential workers had on Tuesday night, is individual officers are given a tremendous amount of leeway in interpreting the policy however they want.

“If you are stopped, you only need to identify yourself as an essential worker,” the FAQ states. “For the very few individuals that refuse to cooperate and do not fall within the exempted categories, they will be given every opportunity to return home. Only if an individual continuously refuses to do so will additional enforcement action be considered, including but not limited to fines.”

The problem stems in part from the litany of exceptions and caveats embedded within the curfew policy. Essential workers are allowed out past curfew as long as they are going from work to home. But they are allowed to stop at a deli for a meal. But then they have to go right home. Unless they need medical supplies, then they can get those too. Food delivery workers can also be out, as can media, but only if they’re working. If you’re stopped, there are “no specific requirements for ID.” It is, in short, up to whether the police officers believe you or not.

Plus, the guidance that “transportation infrastructure such as bus, rail, and yellow and green taxis will be operating normally” proved not to be the case. At Columbus Circle, Gothamist reporter Jake Offenhartz tweeted a photo of police in front of the subway entrance 13 minutes prior to curfew. “Uber and Lyft have been ordered shut at 8. Citi Bike and Revel are already deactivated in the neighborhood,” Offenhartz added, referring to the city’s bike and moped share systems. “When curfew hits in 10 minutes, how the hell are people supposed to get home???”

“I think this speaks to the shoddy thinking and planning that went into the curfew policy,” said Ben Fried, communications director at the non-profit TransitCenter when sent a link to Offenhartz’s tweet. “It’s a chaotic jumble that people can’t actually plan their lives around.”

The FAQ made no mention of bike access around the city, but those routes also turned out to be blocked. On the Manhattan Bridge bike path, police turned independent journalist Liam Quigley back towards Brooklyn just after 8 p.m. even though he has a valid NYPD-issued press card.

As he biked up the path, a handful of officers in riot gear blocking the path shouted “GO BACK” at Quigley. At the base of the bridge, he found a white shirt officer who told Quigley “nobody gets in.” A few minutes later, Quigley interviewed a Postmates delivery worker named Deshon who works in Brooklyn but lives in Manhattan and was also turned back. The officers told the Postmates worker “nobody goes into Manhattan.”

Quigley told Motherboard he was later allowed onto the Brooklyn Bridge bike and pedestrian path with “no issue and that interaction was very courteous.” He added that in his experience last night, there seemed to be a great deal of discretion in how the curfew is enforced.

“If we're not closing an entire bridge, then we shouldn't be shutting down only the bike paths on bridges,” said Danny Harris, executive director of the New York City-based nonprofit Transportation Alternatives. “Bikes are a critical mode of transport, and the mayor needs to acknowledge this, apologize to the people his policies have stranded, and change course immediately.”

On the transportation front, the FAQ says “transportation infrastructure” will be operating normally, but made no mention of closed stations or blocked bike paths.

The FAQ also said for-hire vehicle services such as Uber and Lyft are suspended from 8 p.m. to 12:30 a.m., but Citibike and Revel will be suspended until 5 a.m. Plus, NYPD put up roadblocks to get into Manhattan below 96th Street, including via bridges and tunnels.

Yellow and green taxis are allowed to continue operating throughout the curfew, although a video posted to social media showed NYPD deploying undercover units in vehicles made to look like yellow taxis, a practice that dates back to at least 2015. The person who took the video, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, told Motherboard the video was taken Monday night, when the curfew was 11 p.m., about an hour before the curfew went into effect. (Gothamist published a guide in 2016 about how to distinguish undercover yellow taxis from real ones, although it’s unclear if the license plate distinction still holds.)

As for who was allowed to be out during curfew, the FAQ is a litany of “short answer yes with an if, long answer no with a but” responses.

In Manhattan, NYPD officers cursed and pushed two Associated Press reporters who identified themselves as essential workers. “I don’t give a shit,” one officer replied. Another told the reporters to “Get the fuck out of here you piece of shit.”

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