#i am going to cry ok guys
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they should invent a job that I can do and I don't have to drive super far to get to
#just blahs#i am going to cry ok guys#im trying to decide if this is better or worse than being in highschool and idk guys#why is everything hard and why is it so hard for me in particular for some reason bcs I know the majority of people deal w this just fine#why does driving have to scare me so fucking bad and every job is like 30 minutes away#and none of the places here in town are hiring and if they are they require previous experience or whatever and I don't have any#ive never had a job and its so hard to find applications anywhere bcs none of the small places here are on job listing websites#and i dont have every little shop here memorized to look them up#and it doesnt help that just the idea of going in for an interview makes me want to cry out of anxiety#and i was trying to get a babysitting job at the least#but the lady i was gonna babysit for wanted me to do it for like 6.25 an hour for both a 7 and a 1 year old ..#like maam .... i am not going to watch a young child and a literal infant for that much ...#and then when i said hey uhhh could you do more than that maybe ? she was like oh no i cant do that at all#and im sitting here like :|#im going to cry
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Ok but why is no one talking about "every day is a day of love if you only believe it so" I AM GOING TO CRY THAT'S SO SWEET. EVERY DAY IS A DAY OF LOVE IF YOU ONLY BELIEVE IT SO
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#undertale#utdr#deltarune#AAAAAAAAA#GASTER'S JUST A SILLY GUY OK HE IS FILLED WITH WHIMSY I PROMISEIAM GOIGN TO CRY#āI want to help!ā said with the most earnestness anybody ever could possibly conjure up#what if i cried. I love him I love him I love him#I am going insane over this#felixlupin.txt
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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so like itās 1999 and solid snake is in zanzibar land and gray fox tells you that all he can do is fight. itās all he has and itās probably all youāre ever going to have, too, because deep down you know your father is right, you know he is right as you click the lighter and burn the flesh off his skin, you know he is right when he tells you, this will never go away. i am always going to be a part of you. itās 2005 and solid snake is in shadow moses island, alaska and gray fox tells you thatās good, snake. hit me harder. do it more. thatās good. when you meet meryl you kill the guards, and then snake thinks he loves her, so you kill psycho mantis for her, ocelot tortures you and you withstand it for her, you beat liquid to a pulp for her and while his blood is on your fists he smiles and tells you that you two, youāll always be the same. gray fox means violence means meryl means violence, so whatās love if not that? what is it if not the feeling of broken bones under your knuckles, if not the smell of your fatherās burnt flesh? but she's too young, she doesnāt understand you and she couldnāt if she tried, because sheās eighteen years old and doesnāt know any better and doesnāt understand that after you sleep with her youāre going to get up and let the pillow grow cold, she thinks youāll tell her everything and when you donāt, because you canāt, sheāll leave you. you kill him with your fists and for her you destroy shadow moses and you hear him say to you again thatās good, snake, that feels good, do it harder. but it isnāt a coincidence that in mgs1 you meet otacon at the same time you meet gray fox. otacon who is so scared of battle he pisses his pants and otacon who cries over a woman who could never love him back and otacon who thinks good people like dogs, kind people like dogs, otacon who passed you a meal, ready-to-eat and a bottle of ketchup across the bars of your cell and when you ask him why the fuck are you here if you cant help me he says to you, i thought you might be hungry. otacon who gives you her handkerchief that was once her mother's and will be hers once again when she dies, when you rest it atop her glazed-over irises, a cycle of love. she was a good person, snake, and so are you. she liked the wolves and you do too. otacon who cries over his baby sisterās little body, who blames himself for being seventeen years old under the touch of the woman who should have been his mother. otacon who when it's 2014 will make you the solid eye and the octocamo suit and the mk. ii to keep you safe and say to you, don't hurt anyone, snake. will say to you: i'll follow you wherever you go, like this. otacon who blubbers like a baby and cries too much and who, when it's 2009 in new york city, you have to say to, go rescue the hostages, because if you donāt heās going to crumple in on himself, a dying star. this is how you love, you donāt say to him, and how i love, because you showed me how. wrap your arms around his shoulders and hope itās enough.
#do you guys get it do u understand what im trying to say.#i am so. taken by 'i thought you might be hungry' because#EVERY SINGLE person who is significant to snake is defined by conflict and violence#then enter otacon. civillian. camouflages himself out of fear. shows snake care through this action. can't do anything really#but he can make sure he eats.#otacon who can't open up about himself because he doesn't know what he's feeling. just like snake#the understanding and empathy in 'you don't have to explain'#snake who is seen as disposable by his mission overseers but not by otacon#'go rescue the hostages' grounds otacon. gives him something to do. keeps him from falling apart#'that's enough crying' after sniper wolf in mgs1 versus the hug in mgs2#words aren't going to fix things. but i can show you how much i care#AM I MAKING SENSE???????????????#they will never say i love you to each other but they can make sure the other feels it. all the time#theyre so you held me the whole way through but i couldn't say the words like you.....i swear guys...i swear..................#just finished mgs4 liquid sun this game i MIGHT have a meltdown when i finish the game but for now. soldiering on!#ok im done#mgs#otasune#myne#mywrites
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went to @bearsintreesofficial and all i got was blurry photos
#i was having too much fun ok#barricade and jumping screaming crying ok i cannot believe i was there#cannot believe they were real??? not just little guys in my phone????#i accidentally yelled kind of at nick in the parking lot i am so sorry#bears in trees#silverposting#in what universe did i go to twenty one pilots and bears in trees within a month!!!
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#ok so i guess this is going to be exactly like a few months ago#where i knew i wanted my surgery but my parents reactions had me crying and seesawing thru my emotions every single day#literally yesterday i was resigned to staying here forever now today im calm and thinking maybe i could and should leave.#<- knowing that ill probably be crying again tomorrow.#dont ever put me in a situation etc etc#im sorry u guys ill make sure to employ the no-personal-posting-after-12-am rule again to ease the insanity on ur dash LOL#i hate that ive already had this much stress put upon me when nothing has even been confirmed. at all.
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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Before I pass out I wanted to say I just posted chapter 2 of my ldb/Vilkas fic :D
Guys this is going too damn slow for me I want her to kiss Vilkas already š¤
#alexandra rlly said companions??? this is the companions?? u guys suck#she ate them up guys#poor ria is there not saying anything like?? why is angry tf?#its ok she will come to terms with being dragonborn#omg i cant wait to write when the watchtower thing happens ough shes going to cry so hard guys#ok im incoherent i love you guys i am smooching from afar š#tes oc: alexandra#skyrim fanfic#matters of the heart
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originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins
#origins smp#i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals WHAT EVEN HAPPENED i was only there for the first oneš
#beeduo#otubbo#oranboo#beeduo fanart#i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY#DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM#IR WAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE and they were being really Funny thay shit h#ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its#been wayyyyyyy too long#BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise#bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorryā¹#had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign š bc i couldn't stop#yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my faultšššš#ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really#wanted to share ok i love you bge#WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED#RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like#water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT#ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASEššššššššš#I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I#VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB#OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be#Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON#SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub#lic had to say.... ok Now bye
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GUYS. ITāS OK. I GOT THE PAGE. ITāS ALL OK NOW.
SEE THE THING IS. I stored all of the pages in drawing layers in procreate before I saved them to files just to ensure I wouldnāt lose them. I recently deleted the layers with the pages to save space. BUT. it was visible in the timelapse replay. For just a split second in the timelapse, sandwiched between drawings, for just a millisecond in 12 minutes of footage, there was a clear view of the page. Itās not in the best quality but itās legible, unlike before. I know this is not important to you guys but I literally am gonna cry from relief this is amazing. The fact that I thought to put the pages in procreate just in case saved me so so much trouble. I am indescribably happy rn thank u for putting up with my yapping
#not a pikmin post#I feel bad for any of my followers who are just now seeing all this. hey guys donāt worry Iām just hyperfixating on main#it probably sounds like I am exaggerating but I am Not#if I had to go back and ask for the page Iād genuinely cry#but it ok. yippee#back to business as usual
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the constant internal struggle of do i want 2 take T or do i just wish i were a cis man and ill be miserable either way
#but then ill never know until i do i it#i wont lose anything#but it is so much effort n i am already so tired#also why i steer clear of any trans realization media ive finally made it out of the aching crying clawing stage and i fear it BAJH.. ..#(emotionally)#my insecurities ruin everything#i wish i could just transition and be happy#but all i can think about is will i be uglier#will it make me even worse to the public#will it make my skin rough#im more nonbinary than anything anyways n i always have been#so i dont feel pressured to or anything#but its My wants#that. r so . hard to understand#i dream of just being some guy almost everyday#but then . can i be#would i be#i wish i could shapeshift more than anything#some days i want a body more feminine and others more masculine#but neither are what i have#because theyre both perfect & attractive in my head#and ill never be that#i would like to try hrt and see if it helps. if it makes me like myself or gives me a different perspective#but im scared HJHA.. . i cant even go to the doctor for my anxiety meds#and it makes it feel so Big#and im terrified because of that ill live my life wrong but knowing exactly what was wrong the entire time#and the regret will kill me. i have the privilege to know#but im not acting on it#i already wasted 23 years of my life stuck here . unable to do anything or be myself. will i ever get out will i ever change#will i ever be ok
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#i am highkey full of fear but i didnt wanna scare you guys so. we stay sily hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha im so scared#long story short my dad lives in florida. on the west coast. thats all i have to say#ok wow as im making this post my mom calls and says she's going back home too. ok ok ok ok ok#on one hand im so relieved theyll have each other but im also even more scared for both of them#like they stayed thru ian last year which was a FIVE and there was just damage to the house outside#i feel like ive been crying since last night. the moment she told me she was going back to florida i broke down. i just#i feel so selfish for being in hysterics when im not even in harms way but gghhh. gjgjghghghghghghhgghhghg#i need to go back to sleep but i cant stop thinkinnnnngggg i cant stop thinking ugh uuuugggghhhhh#im sorry i probably shouldnt even be posting this but i just had to vent i feel like im losing it#ffffffffffff ok gonna eat something and then sleep bye bye love y9u bye#i might... not post for a few days. but ill be around. bye love u bye#delete later#vent
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2 am post but i think luffy loses a lot of his appeal to me in fanon because people shave away his genuine weirdness to make him fit the must-protect sunshine cinnamon roll slot every anime must have in order for the fandom to make incorrect quotes and fill out draw-your-squads with
maybe itās just my problem with the way people handle autistic characters in fandom spaces just in general but man i promise to you you can go one media without forcing a character to be the SpongeBob-esque do-no-wrong wooby
#Iām sorry luffy wouldnāt wear pastel overalls and bunny clips he would wear a tshirt from the target clearance section#that says MONSTER TRUCKS š» FISHING š£ KILL YOUR SISTER#also if you post about how he would be an iPad kid Iām taking something out of your house#he would never have an iPad. youād show him a social media heād go well thatās stupid. and talk about how ace used to throw darts at him#and how thatās more fun#ok this is a complaining post Iām sorry guys I just am so annoyed cuz I look thru LS tags and want to honestly cry#please one luffy ship at tthat doesnāt look like 90s yaoi and doesnāt visibly hate autistic people Iām going insane#one piece#yapping#fucking crying over these tags. this is an old draft but Iāll post it for the followers
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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uhhh highschooler Keef because Keef is my favorite character and I read a fanfic with him in it and it made me sad so.,,.. yeah ,, kinda badly drawn because I rushed it.. fml
I hated drawing in this artstyle because itās my old artstyle and itās so hard to draw in for some reason
#invader zim#keef invader zim#keef#the cutest little thing#I love him#heās so cute#I love keef#aahjfifhisnfkfj#ahghhhh#:(#why am i crying#why am I posting this#whatttt#whaggyatd#help#helo#I love himm#rar#wow so many tags#ok im gonna go read fan fiction now#bye guys#uhh#fuck yeah
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beaming everyone on the dashh with good brain day vibes!!! i hope that you all can remember to extend self-compassion to yourself whenever you're feeling down about something š
#lizzy speaks#the human brain works in such profound ways i think#lately i've been thinking about that post that was like 'you will always be your oldest friend take care of yourself'#it's definitely a sentiment i agree with and i appreciate how it emphasizes the importance of extending compassion to yourself#you wouldn't say such hurtful things to your friends right? (or at least i'd hope so)#so why would you say it to yourself?#you are your own friend too. and i think everyone has a beautiful soul within themselves. nurture it! water it! feed it good thoughts.#basically i wish everyone a 'i hope that your brain is not your own enemy but rather a friend that you can find comfort in'#things will work themselves out with time. there's beauty in life and you will find small delights to cherish!! i am manifesting it for u!!#and for those who find it difficult to transition from a self-critical mindset to one that's more compassionate and nonjudgmental#i truly think that with time you will be able to rewire your brain to be kinder to yourself. i'm proud of you for taking any first steps :)#there are times in which it feels counterintuitive to go against habits that feel hard-wired... but brains are very malleable littel guys-#with such a wonderful capacity for changing and learning new things. so i hope everyone can learn to be their own best friend!#not to undermine the importance of a support network ofc. that's good too and im all for that!! but i hope everyone remembers to be kind-#not only to others but also to themselves!! you're going to do great out there!! i love you all!!#ive just been thinking about this a lot... i needed to get it out there. you all shine so brightly!!! we shall be fine!!! have a good week!#sorry if this is out of nowhere but if there's anything about me you should know it's that i'm the 'hey dont cry 8 billion people on earth-#ok?' post. idk i just find great joy in knowing others are out there thriving and finding a daily delight yknow i love humanity!!
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