#i am extremely paranoid when i have to go somewhere i dont know

[glitteronadumpsterfire]

When will people that barely know me stop assuming things about me.

[intertexts]

OK HI. HELLO ROS <3 standing in ur doorway like this 🧍 listen i will read worm eventually i just have so much HAPPENING. ALL THE TIME RIGHT NOW. AND DONT HAVE THE TIME. and also jrwi has me in a chokehold u know how it b. ANYWAY. i need u 2 tell me as much about new haven wards as u can without like major insane spoilers for worm. little spoilers r ok. i watch/read everything with a few lil spoilers 2 look forward to anyway <3 i know nothing abt the universe of worm (<<has barely made a sizeable dent in it but god i will i prommy) but i wanna know what exactly nhw is about. how does the universe work. how do the powers work. what is the situation with the nhw how and why are they working together where did they all come from!! gimme the nhw lore!!! as much as u can!!!!! looking at u with the biggest saddest wettest eyes rn pls pls pls infodump abt nhw 2 me!!!!!!!! ros pls 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

HIII HI HI WHISKEY <333 UR INSANE FOR ASKING THIS. BTW. literally insane. grabbing u so hard by the shoulders there is a crazed look in my eye. anyway. FIRST i am tagging @stuck-in-the-ghost-zone here also!!!!!! bc it is his au as much as mine & i am NOT qualified 2 talk abt nhw mark n such. augh.

ok. ok. ok. new haven wards. putting the cut here.

so the basic movement of worm is that powers are from trauma. ridiculously simplified, but that's the base of it-- if you have superpowers, you have them because you went through traumatic events so severe to you specifically that it broke ur brain a little bit. the powers manifest in some way as a reaction to the traumatic scenario. (it is also more complicated than this. playing the spoiler card.) OR secret second option u put urself into indefinite debt to an extremely shadowy and ominous.... organization? person? shadow government branch? conspiracy? and get superpowers in a can, with like, a 10% chance they'll backfire and mutate u into some fucking terrible inhuman shit and then they'll completely memory wipe you and brand you and dump you off somewhere. not really relevant here. because the main way of getting superpowers is to be violently traumatized, cape society in worm tends to be grittier, more violent. there's more villains, the heroes are less shiny marvel or dc and more making whatever moral compromises they need to get the best outcome possible. at one point one of the main heroes in the city worm takes place in tells the sixteen-year-old protagonist "i don't care, there's a kill order out on them, just put a bullet in her brain if you see her, it's fine" and then a while later goes "yeah i'd vote for a kill order out on you guys too," directly to her face. worm is always going "hey, wouldn't it fucking suck if superheroes were real?". there are many horrifying and inhuman and violent threats. sexual and racial and physical violence aren't swept under the rug. these seventeen year olds are sent to crime scenes where flayed and gutted corpses are suspended from the ceilings because they're heroes! ^_^ but this aint about worm this is about the new haven wards!!!!! [wards are the child soldiers junior hero branch of the main syndicated/unionized hero organization, w/ placement in every major city alongside regional protectorate headquarters]

>key things for this au:

--william wisp changed his last name to bell when he moved to new haven (where his brother david lives :) and joined the wards, for another layer of anonymity ^_^ (he is. severely paranoid about his identity & privacy. <- also a Big and Heavy thing in worm/parahumans world. it's a Big Fucking Deal to unmask a cape regardless of their alignment)

-dakota never got the mechanical heart & biomedical augumentation so didn't meet mato cole at that time! he's still dakota damascus :]

-virion... idk why he's still virion & not vyncent actually. probably just because that was the name his parents gave him? we can't change it now though nhw virion & canon vyncent r two different guys to me...

-ashe is the unluckiest fucking guy in the world!!!

their powers are a little different from canon both bc of the ways powers work just being different frm how they do in pd & also because of the "they're always a reflection of the worst moment of ur life that you're just dragging around with you reminding you of it" thing. <333

wibby / whisperer is a breaker/shaker (<- power classifications meaning he has another form he shifts into, and also an area of effect] in his breaker form (crackling white-blue energy) he 1) can control how corporeal he is, or *how* corporeal he is, from "walks into the brick wall" to "doesnt notice there's a brick wall and goes straight through it", to "goes incorporeal to stick his hand in a guy's chest then resolidifies to instakill him" w/ some tradeoffs. & 2) shape/control energy manifestations in a fairly wide radius around him, where the power of the shaped energy is in proportion to the amount of recent death in the area-- if there's a ton of casualties in the area, he can do a lot more than he could in a peaceful small town in the middle of nowhere. the situation with his trigger event was him. growing up socially isolated and half convinced he was going crazy and everyone else Also thought he was fucking insane (deadwood is still haunted!! more haunted :]) for years & years + the loneliness + frustration + unsureness if he's actually the one just. losing it or if it's all really real + the constant feeling of being in danger, that the town is bad and malicious and out to Get you. anyway. he fell, take that as ambiguously as u do for that in canon, didn't die, but was severely injured & couldn't move. just laid there for maybe a day or so in the woods that wanted to kill him. anyway he triggered when he was found! the catalyst was not "the place that's been out to get me my entire life finally succeeded" but the helpless incandescent frustration of "actually nothing i ever do is going to make you understand. i've been trying for so fucking long to make you See It but you won't!!! you never will and you just think i'm crazy or stupid or making it up for attention even though it has such obvious fucking consequences and is manifestly Real!!" he was recruited to the wards by miss g herself, who was like hahahhahaa this kid could be a Really Fucking Big Problem if he doesn't have an eye on him!! ^_^ he never wanted to be a hero, and still doesn't, really, but he's terrified of accidentally hurting people & deadwood is like a weight around his neck and maybe things will be better if he just gets out of here. for a while they're not, of course. he just feels like. y'know. he's another sick thing that crawled out of deadwood, and his powers make that obvious. the way they interact with recently dead shit makes him sick!! living with david is awful-- a big, lovely, lonely high rise apartment, an older brother who barely bothers to speak to him, calls to their mom through the walls going "why is he here? why would you send him here? can he like, go anywhere else?"

virion sol / imprint is a trump (meaning his powers interact With other capes powers.) he can copy powers by touching other parahumans-- the copied power is just as strong as the original, whatever the original is, but he doesn't have an innate sense of how to use it; he can easily be overwhelmed or overstimulated by powers that involve a ton of sensory input, or accidentally loose cannon something he wasn't expecting and can't easily control. regardless, this is a fucking insane power to have. it's so cracked. like within the parahumans-- world, this is something so rare, especially being able to copy the full strength of the power. the very few examples in canon of something similar, the copied power is always inferior. his situation was similar to canon-- the greats were a team of independent heroes, & were like, extended family to virion. he grew up unpowered, but in the cape world-- so many aunts and uncles teaching him security, standard protocols, how to fight capes, how to run cape business and independent team business, how to handle guns and tasers and safely run background checks. y'know. a family's worth of professional knowledge. he never really wanted to be a cape, anyway, he was more than happy to do all the unpowered stuff at home that needed to be done. occasionally he came with them on patrol n stuff or snuck out to watch them. the greats' long term goal was prying out the lich, an extremely heavyweight warlord who had control over most of the city. virion's father struck a deal with the lich-- virion knows as little what the deal was For as he does in canon, but he double crossed the entire team. virion snuck along to the confrontation with the lich (setup) & watched his father turn & murder all of them. still not sure if he did it all himself or just watched as the lich's minions did it, but the way they knew all their weaknesses, how efficient and brutal and unexpected it was-- it was his dad feeding the information. virion stays frozen in shock and horror & hidden during all of this. can't do anything to help. is fucking useless, despite all he knows and has done. for the first time in his life, he wished he had powers, that ram and min and everyone could have taught him how to have and use their powers like they taught him everything else. he triggered watching it all happen. after this, he went on the run, terrified that someone would Know that he saw, that they'd be coming for the loose ends, that his dad would come back for him. all he has of his family is a couple piecemeal things he could grab before he ran-- ram's favorite revolvers, a holy medal of alphonz's, some of his mom's sturdy jewelry. anyway, he ran, moved to a different city, new haven. started figuring out his powers, started targeting specifically other capes who were up to bad shit-- minor to mid league villains, the occasional local hero who would Look squeaky clean, but after their sudden death dirty secrets would come out, etc. all very low-key, very subtle. none of the disappearances or deaths looked related. during this period he is SO fucked up. he is so fucked in the head. he's incredibly hypervigilant and paranoid and jumpy (good at looking unbothered and still clocking every single sound and movement and always facing doors and windows), mired in the grief and guilt and horror at. watching his entire family slaughtered and life shattered in a night. sleeps for no more than two hours or so at a time. even on top of the lich and his dad... what he's been doing puts an even bigger target on his back. doesn't have time or heart for anything but the dirty work. is dissociating through the periods of time where he's not actively hunting someone down or on the job. silhouette is the one who puts the pieces together-- of course he's on the protectorate (hero organization) radar. sure he's only been targeting bad guys, but how clean each one was? how well covered they all are? how whoever this is has allegedly killed at least almost two hands' worth of capes in cold blood by now? sets off alarms, if you're looking!!

anyway, silhouette tracks him down, says hey, i know who you are, i know what happened. you're just a kid. you join us, and you'll gain the resources and skill to be able to get revenge. aren't you tired of running? now... virion took to this fast and well when he did, but. before it all, he was just a teenager. despite the family business, he was just some guy! he helped his mom cook and got help with schoolwork at the kitchen table and his cool aunts took him out for lunch. he never wanted this or expected it. and of course he doesn't trust the heroes farther than he can spit, but... it's something. it's better than this. anything has to be better than the way he's driving himself into the ground. & also, of course. if silhouette can find him. anyone else who's looking for him can too. (i don't think he's even registered on the radar of anyone. his dad didn't actually survive the lich, obviously, & he was the only other one who really knew abt virion + nobody knew he triggered. he's just. so fucking paranoid.)

dakota damascus / failsafe is a thinker/mover. he 1) has a precognitive sense of any pain that anyone in a radius around him will feel in the next short amount of time. this is-- varyingly difficult to block. he can't just Choose not to feel it, although the intensity of the feeling, again, varies. mostly proportionally to how severe the pain actually is, or how many people are hurt, but, with time, he can dull or sharpen it + follow the threads of it to discern Who exactly is in pain, rather than just an ambient sensation. 2) is VERY fast & has matching enhanced cognitive speed. these two abilities work SO good together, both in combat situations & also just day to day patrolling. man. i love dakota. anyway, he triggered young-- he was out with his parents (maybe 7/8) and they got caught in an attack by siberian-- a genuinely indestructible, incredibly powerful villain who can just,,, run her hand through a concrete foundation like it's butter & collapse buildings, or scoop out peoples insides in a heartbeat. and also likes to eat people, like, raw and bloody after dismembering them. whatever level of ultraviolent shocking horror u are imagining. double it. anyway. they got caught in the scene of this attack, dakota got separated from his parents in the panic and stampede and rush to get out-- he's seven! it's terrifying levels of panic and claustrophobia and people shoving and trampling and he's not gonna leave without his parents!! of course not!! he triggers from the fear and the disorientation and the panic & he can't find them & he's trying to fight the crowd but he barely comes up past their knees & there's awful sounds of fighting & he's close enough to see her... things are doubly disorienting with the echo of the agony from everyone who gets Fucking Siberianed. he sees most of the fight. um. a while after she's driven away and it's finally finished he finds what's left of his parents. there's a beat in worm, during an encounter with siberian and the Big Heroes, the prime force equivalent, where they just.. give her a victim to chew on because it makes her happier and less of a nightmare to fight. which is something i think about frequently. anyway, after this things are kind of loose, similar to canon. he does the same shit. it's also quieter and you can feel less people hurting the higher up u are. yk? OH GOD. YEAH. at some point after this we still have not hammered it out. he confronts the slaughterhouse 9 (the supervillain group that attacked/siberian is part of) about it & gets his face slit open (half chelsea smile style) & makes a deal to either kill a guy in [n years] or that guy will kill him & several hundred other people!!!!!!!!!!!! dakota damascus killing a man baked into the bones of nhw!!!

anyway he & cat still fell. he underwent a second trigger event when this happened, actually-- the panic and desperation of that situation + the way it echoed his first trigger, etc. this is also super fucking rare, btw. there are very few second triggers & it is almost Never good. (u cannot trigger more than twice + a second trigger is always a refining or an improving of the intent of the original trigger) so that's where the speed etc. came from. tide found him, gave him. a better support system (low bar!!) + a real purpose in joining the wards. i have a lot of feelings abt this.

ashe / auxiliary / muse is also a shaker/breaker!!!!! his backstory i cannot talk too much about because it is Big Spoilers. but he is a fucking powerful telekinetic (around when he joins the wards, having not really used his power in years, he has an upper weight limit of a couple times his body weight & a fairly large radius of effect). he also has a breaker form that only triggers in certain situations & if he really really pushes himself to breaking w/ his powers-- when he enters it, he loses lucidity, for the most part, & starts warping and stretching and breaking space-time in strange, dreamlike ways-- the pavement melts, or everything gets bouncy, or cars and concrete chunks and things with no business moving float slowly around like balloons, or he pulls and crumples reality to move without really moving.... it gets Real fucking bad, real fast. ANYWAY. he eventually sneaks out one night, walks to a gas station to get. snacks. it-- okay, i'm fucking linking mac's post, i CANNOT summarize all of this concisely. go read that. so. that's ashe's deal!!!!!!!!!

THERE'S ALSO. MARK. ASK MAC ABOUT MARK i have typed this entire thing out on myfucking phone keyboard i literally Cannot keep going. help. and also their mark stuff is so fucking good its so. auuuhhgh. AND ALSO DAVID BELL. WHO WORKS FOR THE ORGANIZATION THAT SELLS U SUPERPOWERS IN A CAN W A CHANCE OF GETTING TURNED INTO AN UNRECOGNIZABLE MONSTER AND DOES HUMAN ABDUCTION AND EXPERIMENTATION. AND JADE AND X AND ALLEN ARE THE FREEDOM CITY WARDS AND GRAYSCALE SHAKES OUT EVEN FUCKING WORSE THAN IT DID IN CANON. YEAH.

SO. YEAHG. THATS. THATS THE MOST OF IT. um. yeah. theyre a dreadful little polycule they are. So fucking clingy they r traumabonded. like little trembling chihuahua puppies. separation anxiety and all. virion and dakota share a comfy old victorian house in a suburban neighborhood maybe a fifteen minute walk from the protectorate hq. wibby starts out living w/ david and eventually just... all his stuff moves over to their place. their clothes r all mixed up they know each others blood types they're all sleeping together on the couch. eventually their house gets blown up. they all get various flavors of nightmare & are 1 million shades of debilitatingly mentally ill but like-- it works. they r good for each other. theyre good together. do not separate them. etc. i'm not even gonna fucking START talking abt their dynamics other than that but like. i mean. if you want a repeat of THIS u can always ask!!!!!!!

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE YAYYYYY AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME I LOVE TORTURING MY FRIENDS <333333 PERFECT SPIKE WITH THE KNIFE VOLLEYBALL

>> yes yes yes I was absolutely picturing trickster seeing him on the news. Just like a shaky faraway video a civilian caught on their phone or something. but it's enough for trickster to see some of that dreamlike stuff and then ashe like. steps backward into one of his doors and disappears before a big wave hits where he was just standing or something. why does the trickster get TV service in his evil little chaos zone? why would the trickster be watching tv? I don't know! I dont care!! but he does and he is at least for this one moment. maybe he like. invades somebody's house and They were watching the news and he got distracted. idfk.

>> side note about tricksters territory I've been dying to picture visual parallels to the spirit realm even though i KNOW the chaos zone is different from the spirit realm they are still connected in my mind. also side side note on that topic i had a couple thoughts about clarence and mal in this au. and also the nilbog type situation where trickster first gets contained there. but that's for later it's trickster time now. speaking of mal though you know how when they first went to go find tide and they ended up in that haunted carnival. i think it would be REALLY really fun if tricksters territory was a city that had an adjacent theme park . for funsies and to play into the whole "his motivations are like a bored kid he wants to do things because they're funny" . i want the wards 2 follow muse through one of his doors and end up in an abandoned carnival. do u see my vision here

>> SPEAKING OF MAL AGAIN. EHEHEEHEE LOVINGGGG the fact that you said nhw trickster makes you feel the same way that canon mal does. i ALSO want to explode him with hammers so so so badly. BUT. i don't want him to be toooooo similar to mal because we do also still have mal in this au i dont want there to be Two Of Him. so while the whole using puppets to get Ashe to trust him thing is suuuper creepy and slimy and manipulative I don't think thats tricksters normal forte ? his usual style is busting in somewhere and causing chaos, but he knows the subtlety is what WORKS with ashe (btw the whole "oh people are Nice, Actually and my dad is just weird and paranoid" thing is EXACTLY what i was going for thank u for having the same brain cells as me) and he wants ashe bad enough that he's willing to force himself through the patience and slowness of it. but it's REALLY hard for him he gets frustrated so easily . maybe he's a little too eager one time and it freaks ashe out a little bit and shatters a little bit of the trust he's building up and trickster throws a huge fucking tantrum about it because now it's gonna take him even LONGER and UGH why can't he just go and take him NOW . using the taylor in her lair comparison again but while she's sitting calmly in her chair drinking tea the whole time, trickster is pacing around and kicking his feet and just going absolutely like

(there's a piece of pd fanart that i can SEND YOU NOW ACTUALLY- hold on ill do that in a second- that is pretty much what I'm picturing here like. his ass is NOT sitting still!!!!!!)

>> ohhhhhhhh having so many thoughts abt mark. having soooooo many thoughts about mark. i am still hung up on the muse/tricksterisms (give it up for DAYYYYY FIVE *Mr Krabs bell ringing image*) but maybe perhaps at work today I will type up a nhw mark essay in my free time. it should be slow today knock on wood. god. the aftermath of Overlord is going to be such a huge fucking mess. still not over the fact of u CASUALLY saying mark breaks himself out of the fucking birdcage. thinking forever about that thing bizly said once about mark being one of the smartest people they've ever met. yeah.

>> DAKOTA TIIIIIIM E. YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA even though we are in worm world and everything sucks so bad all the time and they are all so extremely traumatized. we CANNOT lose the dakota cole spirit. we cannot lose that energy. I love him so much he is so nice to everyone and so. bouncing around like crazy. maybe a little bit more subdued than in canon but it's still THERE. also ashe has been so very sheltered his whole life and mark is desperate to keep him away from anything dangerous so i don't think ashe knows a Whole Lot about capes? like he has the general base level knowledge that everyone has, maybe a little more (un)healthy fear of things like the endbringers but I think he's pretty neutral on the whole cape thing. his dad hates them but ashe thinks they're kinda cool from a distance. so I don't think it's like he IMMEDIATELY figures out dakotas identity, he's a little more distracted by the fact that Oh My God I have real friends for the first time ever to notice anything past the surface level weirdness in their living situation and behavior. maybe this is normal for kids his age, what does he know!

>> I LOOVE BTW. I LOVE THEM FINDING OUT ABT HIS POWERS THROUGH SOMETHING STUPID. YES THAT IS SO PERFECT. dakota yelling "HEY ASHE, CATCH" and throwing something at him. ashe is unathletic as fuck and so very nervous and awkward he can't catch for shit. pillow flying at his face he throws his hands up to block it and oh wow wait it's floating in midair! huh! weird! cue dakota FREAKING OUT "oh my god you have POWERS" do u remember that bit with Doug where dakota kept being so weird and asking him if he was a superhero. I think william and virion are very On Edge about this situation at first. they like ashe, yeah, but now he's a cape? who the hell is he we've never seen anyone around here with telekinesis. is he a villain in disguise trying to get to us? does he know our identity? oh fuck. but then they have a Talk and it's Fine

>> extremelyyyyyy weak over the post-leviathan scene. mark winters please give your son a hug im going to fucking kill you. side note of course tide is there. and he's got his own issues with His Boys recklessly putting themselves in danger and giving them their own earful about it but also I am not immune to the tidalwaveisms of him seeingggggg Exactly what marks motivations are. This is why he does what he does. etc. he's just a guy. tide is really normal about this and does not have a soft spot about it at all . turns away from the sight of mark kneeling on the ground with his arms around his son who is too slowly coming back to his senses and there's floating debris falling back to the ground around them and they're both bruised and bleeding and maybe theyre crying but this is a private moment for their family so tide grabs his boys by the arms (dakota and william, he knows virion understands enough to follow without too much of a fuss) and brings them away partially to give the winters their moment alone and partially to talk to his own pseudo-sons (huge bone crushing hug followed immediately by what the hell were you thinking?!) sorry I got kind of lost in the sauce about that. I think about the leviathan thing a lot. what was I talking about before this?

I think that's all for now actually. mark winters essay maybe incoming later I have to live up to my reputation of being perpetually unwell and insane over him. love and peace on planet earth prime. prime worm. whatever we're calling this version . 🤞🤞🤞

YEAYEAYEAG I FORGOR. TRICKSTER TIMELINE. SITTING DOWN WITH MY PENCIL AND NOTES!!!!!!

OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. this is all a bunch of half-formed-while-at-work ideas so if they dont make sense im blaming it on that.

first. backrground worldbuilding context. u know how nilbog is like . they keep him sort of quarantined because they let him take over a town and be a little king of his own territory there (at least i think this is what happened. to my understanding) . im thinking maybe pre-nhw times trickster was in a similar situation. hes this horribly powerful terrifying master but his big weakness is that hes motivated by chaos, motivated by finding things funny or entertaining. he doesnt want to take over the world in the same way a villain like coil does, he wants to take over things because theyre fun, because theyre interesting, because he thrives in destruction and chaos . if they just like... let him take over a town, let him have his little army of puppets to play with, he stays somewhat contained on his own unless any other cape pokes their nose where they shouldnt. i assume the prt would monitor him from a safe distance just in case, but he falls sort of low on the priority list when theyve got other issues to distract them. and this works for a while.... until he gets bored. hes caused all the damage he possibly can in his little chaos zone, taken over the last of the remaining civilians... theres no challenge for him anymore.

but HEY. news from one of the closest big cities... theres a new cape thats joined the wards team, and his powers look. so fun. imagine the possibilities for silly fun distruction with powers like that. so hes got a new challenge. He Wants That Toy. i think he approaches ashe using one of his puppets first. hes not stupid, he knows the prt is watching him, he knows if he leaves his city theyll be on him in an instant, so he sends like... unassuming regular normal people. theres nothing special about them they arent even capes. but theyve all got these glowing orange eyes. and it starts small- ashe accidentally bumping into someone on the street, and they smile at him as they help him pick up his bag. a cashier giving him a complement on his outfit. after a particularly rough fight with his dad, ashe leaves home to go to the wards house. its pouring down rain, maybe hes crying as he walks. a friendly stranger offers him their umbrella. asks him whats wrong. ashe winters, clinically lonely teenager who has had extremely rare and paranoid contact wiht the outside world for 10 years. does not see anything wrong with these nice orange-eyed strangers. call it naivety, call it innocence, whatever. hes not stupid though. every time one of these people talk to him, they have the same smile. the same inflection in their voices. one time he asks them who they are, why they keep being so nice to him. i think this takes the trickster by such surprise that. camera cut to him in his lair taylor style and he just. sits up straight eyes wide, huge grin on his face. yeah this is the one.

he drops the illusion of being different people and leans into it. he calls himself something insidiously innocent sounding. "just someone who wants to help" "are you familiar with the concept of a guardian angel?" << EUGHHGHG THIS ONE MAKES ME SICK. ashe isnt stupid. he knows thats weird. but the idea of someone out there who doesnt know him, doesnt know the horrible things hes been through and done, just wanting to help him for no reason. its tempting!!!!! so he doesnt mention his secret friend to anyone, just... accepts the gifts as theyre given. this guy doesnt ever ask for anything in return, even! it all. comes to a head though with the overlord thing.

im gonna switch now to kind of talk about ashe timeline outside of trickster stuff. the wards are together maybe a year or two before they meet him. ashe is in his rebellious teen phase, hes frustrated, he wants to have a life to live, hes tired of being in his room, hes tired of his dad not telling him shit and leaving for days at a time, hes just so. lonely. so one time, when mark is on a long weekend "business trip", ashe sneaks out of the house. now. mark is a tinker, you bet your ass hes rigged their house to the teeth with motion sensors and cameras and shit . but ashe is smart. ashe also has powers. ashe has not used his powers in a Long Time, but hes so mad and hes already made up his mind, he wants to get OUT and hes doing it TONIGHT. so he messes with marks equipment and leaves. goes for a walk. maybe goes to like. a gas station convenience store to buy a slushie wiht the crumpled 5 dollar bill he found in the pocket of the jacket he grabbed from the closet on his way out (its marks).

theres. some sort of trouble that he gets caught up in. something minor, maybe someone tries to rob the store while hes there or something. maybe its something silly like le frog. idk. but hey guess who is on patrol in the area to deal with it !!!!!!! its failsafe. and dakota has this bad habit of being Too Friendly with people. hey theres this kid my age who looks SUPER uncomfortable and hes hiding behind his long hair and this big jacket and he looks kind of miserable but he just has this ENERGY about him like . adrenaline. giddy excitement. something like that. and dakota is just drawn to him. at first its a "check on the civilians involved to make sure theyre okay" and then its a "wow youre a blue raspberry guy? i like cherry more but my friend really likes blue raspberry too, you kind of remind me of him, i think youd get along-" cole style! rambling! and ashe is just sitting there like. why are you. talking to me. (<< same inflection as why are you in my house bc i fucking love that those are his first words i miss you so much ashe winters) but internally hes like "whoa this is so cool this whole talking to people thing is so easy my first night out in 10 years and im already making friends with a fucking cape, okay-"

ANYWAY. whatever whatever dakota runs into him a few more times on patrol and because hes. him. hes always really excited like "HEY I KNOW YOU!" etc. idk! whatever! they become friends! he meets the rest of the wards when theyre out of costume, dakota seeks him out out of costume specifically because he wants to be friends but oh my god ive only ever talked to this guy as failsafe i need to talk to him as dakota. the boys become ashes first friends ever! and then he. excited that he has someone to talk to other than his dad for the first time in forever. he tells them or shows them or whatever that he has powers. and then he learns about them being wards. idk this in btween state is still fuzzy to me. he helps them out sometimes acting as a rogue. idk how or why he officially joins the team but he does somehow. eventually. mark is EXTREMELY displeased wiht this, but its at a point where... turning down the offer would almost be more suspicious. whatever. help me out here i havent throught about this part as much.

ANYWAY. SOMETIME AFTER ASHE IS OFFICIALLY ON THE TEAM. the leviathan attack happens. i feel so very strongly about the leviathan attack being the equivalent event to the Meatball Planet only like. so much worse. leviathan is showing up in some random coastal city called. idk. maybe brockton bay. for funsies. and all the capes in new haven are called on for the battle. (tide especially. but this aint about him rn). mark winters is the kinda guy who would hear that and go "no fucking way i want no part of that my first and only priority is protecting myself and my son i dont give a shit about another city or other capes" but. he has to go. because overlord wants him to go. for whatever reason. and mark, knowing about ashes whole thing with the wards now, puts him on total lockdown. dont even fucking THINK about going anywhere near this. i dont care if your team gets summoned, you. stay. here. etc etc etc. the wards, ironically, do not actually get summoned! they are really powerful, yeah, but the prime force is already goign to be there and the prt cannot risk their backup prime force also getting taken out because they dont have a third option to turn to right now. the boys Do No Like This because! tide is going. they want to go with tide. they plan to sneak away and follow anyway. ashe tells them mark put him on lockdown he cant go with him. they break him out and the 4 of them get to town in the MIDDLE of the fight. shit is baaad. they kind of regret it almost immediately. but theyre here now they have to fight. i actually think it would be cool if. like with the meatball planet thing. having the nhw there is a huge advantage and they start winning. but. i think this is the first time they see ashe's breaker state. maybe its because one of the wards gets hurt, maybe he sees his dad going up against leviathan alone at one point, idk. something in that vein. i think breaker state ashe is actually the catalyst they need to start winning against leviathan, the thing that distracts him enough right in time for scion to get there and do his thing or whatever. the battle is over, they have a REALLY hard time getting ashe out of his breaker state. (side note i think the only way ashe can really come down from breaker state is by having whatever threat set him off completely removed from the situation. however bc he doesnt recognize good from bad in this state, any sense of big power or sudden movement or whatever is enough to kind of reset that meter and it just gets harder to break him out the longer they make moves toward him.) personally, because im biased as fuck, i think it would be sooooooooooooo fucking good to have mark be the one to get him out of breaker state here. the wards have never seen this side of his powers, they dont understand why trying to help him only makes him worse, the battle is over shouldnt he be okay now? but mark has seen this before. mark knows, if only instinctually, what worked before. maybe itll work again. and hes fucking pissed, hes pissed that ashe is here, that he disobeyed him, that he put himself in the worst fucking danger possible, that this is all the wards fault etc etc. but he HAS to push that anger to the side for a second to get ashe to come back to his right state of mind. they can have a screaming match about it later when reality is not actively bending and breaking around them. i also think this would be good for the wards to see that mark isnt... totally a horrible person. they only really know him from ashe, theyre super biased against him they hate his guts from the things theyve heard, but here. they just. get to see how much he loves ashe and even though his actions fucking suck and ashe has been miserable as a result... hes not an evil guy. hes just the universes most hated man.

ANYWAY. BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT OF THE POST. reports from the leviathan fight and the new member of the wards whose powers turned the tide (ha) of the battle. this is how the trickster learns about him. so ALL THAT STUFF i talked about before happens . and then mark goes missing. ashe doesnt. realize it at first maybe. hes used to his dad being gone for days at a time, but hes never stayed away for longer than a week. day 3 passes with not even an update from mark and he starts to get a little anxious, day 5 passes and still nothing, day 8 hes. freaking out. the wards are maybe a little crass about it "that guy sucks you can just stay with us" btu then they see ashe is like. genuinely distressed about it and they say theyll help him look for him.

mark. maybe disobeyed overlord in some way. idk. he did something stupid that made overlord mad enough to punish him. the wards track down the guy mark is working for (i imagine their knowledge about What He Does in this au is a lot more limited than in canon. they know hes wavelength, they know wavelength workds for someone, but they dont know who that someone is). they track down overlord and bust into his base and its. idk. similar ish scene to canon. ashe sees his dad in whatever the equivalent is of the tube he was in in pd. hes unconscious, but they cant tell whether hes alive or not. this sets ashe off almost IMMEDATELY into breaker state. and overlords base is not . the largest thing in the world. maybe its like. warehouse sized. but its still an enclosed space. shit gets dangerous FAST. ashe ends up killing overlord and its pretty gruesome and horrible. when he gets out of breaker state and fully processes what he did, he just. runs. he doesnt know what else to do. hes scared hes upset he still doenst know if his dad is alive (did he just lose the only family he has left? was this the thing mark was hiding them from for so long? mark dead, ashe a murderer, is that what simurgh wanted?) . he thinks the wards will hate him for what he did so instead of fighting them he runs! and who. is conveniently waiting for him. a kind stranger with glowing orange eyes. who hugs him, tells him everything will be okay, wipes his tears away. how can i help? do you need somewhere to stay for a while?

ashe is gone for a handful of weeks before the note appears on the wards' door.

IDK. THIS IS ALL SO LIKE. VIVID TO ME BUT AS ALWAYS IF U HAVE OTHER IDEAS I AM SOOOO OPEN TO THEM. i have a lot more thoughts about the trust that trickster tries to build with him through his puppets but this post is so fucking long already that might just have to be a full separate thing . god. im so FUCKING unwell. nhw disease instead of brain there is nhw. ashe im so sorry we put you in the blender i promise i love oyu and want you to be happy. what are your thoughts i need 2 know. oauguhg. dying 2 talk about this. as if i didnt just write out like a thousand words talking about it.

[okcomputeroknotok19972017]

if you don't mind me asking... how did you start liking radiohead so much? what is it about them that puts you on a chokehold. random question i know but whenever i see someone who's deeply moved by an artist i always wonder how that love came to be :)

bwbwbwbwbwbwwb i love you i love you this is such a nice question to ask and makes me so happy :)

<3 i’d heard creep years ago on a television show and didn’t think of it for a long time, i think once when i was 12 my dad played kid a and wasn’t really listening to it but i told him to turn it off because it was bumming me out? LOL anyways flash forward to age 15 in late october 2020 and i’m playing rockband 2 with my family, and recognize one of the songs that’s on there: creep. i remember how the verse goes a little bit so we try it… i’m no good at singing it because i haven’t heard it in years and years, but i think “damn that was a bummer. good song though!”

that night i decided to look up the music video on youtube so that i can familiarize myself more with the song to sing it, and wtf, they have a song called weird fishes! i have a pet fish i like fish! i listen to it and WHAT THE FUCK. it's like nothing i've EVER heard before, so vivid and rich and what the FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK. immediately obsessed with weird fishes. see jigsaw falling into place in my recommended, think lol thats a funny name, listen to it and go WHAT THE FUCK again. feel something shift inside me. after a 24hour weird fishes LOCKDOWN i go to the radiohead wikipedia page and recognize "oh ive heard of ok computer, dont know much about it other than everyone loves it," decide to listen to paranoid android first & then the full album. What the Fuck again. What the shit. Whag the hell.

i don't remember which album i listened to next, i want to say the bends? either way, by late november i was BIG into radiohead. hadn't finished all the albums yet, but the shift inside me furthered until i could hear a little "click" somewhere in my brain or my chest. ask for a radiohead shirt for christmas. get the DAEHOIDAR shirt from the website as a gift :-). radiohead is my 2nd favorite band. start watching interviews and learning bits and pieces about the guys. watch live performances. giggle and send everyone i know the winter wonderland cover. become clinically depressed. get through the rest of the albums. go inpatient. be half-awake one morning before the insanely early breakfast time, unable to move and DESPERATELY trying to remember the lyrics to faust arp. i fucking KNOW THIS. it was tearing me apart, i was so distressed....when i finally Woke up it all came flooding back and i was so relieved. i just think that memory is so funny. go back home and listen to more radiohead. cry to scatterbrain more times than i can count. that becomes My Song. start explaining who thom yorke is in casual conversation. get sent a lot of creep memes. radiohead has long since taken over as my favorite band ever and very soon my streaming stats reflect that. work the shittiest most miserable job imaginable at an extremely poorly-managed dog daycare and mumble the entirety of each radiohead album to myself to keep me occupied and pass the time as i very illegally was not allowed to sit down or take a break for 8 full hours. friends start knowing me for my radiohead obsession. therapist interrogates me over whether my obsession with my favorite band causes problems in my life. get a lot of merch and a lot of cds. watch THE SMILE's second livestream in january '22....

this is insane why am i going into so many pointless details. very sorry i got carried away....long story short i am the biggest radiohead fan in the world i regularly train myself in case someone stops me on the street and asks me to list every single song in their discography in chronological order and/or recite the lyrics to all of them and my parents know a lot about each member of the band and don't really like it when i involve radiohead trivia in every single conversation. i had a catastrophic level 5 radiohead moment at work a few months ago where a customer bought the suspiria soundtrack WHICH I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WE HAD and my vision got blurry and i couldnt type and could barely say anything coherent to him. my manager was unimpressed. a little embarrassing looking back but kinda funny.

why i love radiohead? perhaps because theyre the greatest band of all time. perhaps because im a greep. perhaps because he has to squeak and mewl while singing

[zuffer-weird-girl]

The Asylum

Synopsis: The U.A was a known Asylum. Known of being the current house for the most dangerous persons with the most tragocs backstorys and trauma. An universe where quirls dont exist, but heroes take the places of doctors, students are trainers and of course; villains are the pacients.

I am planning to do for all the boys I write and Shigaraki version of it (surprise shiggy stans!) Let me know if you would be interested.

Kai Chisaki:

You are currently a new doctor that the Asylum recide to take under their wing. Obviously not to good intentions. Since there is a pacient no one seems to even dare to croos his dorm room... so will you be able to tame the beast?

The limo you were in along with Nezu and the famous doctor Toshinori Yagi along with his aprendice Izuku Midoriya was sorta of glamorous... too much to your own point of view. But how could you point that out? Espevially to the ones whose kindly offered a job as soon as you got your graduation.

You were viewed as the "too kind and sensitive" to be a doctor or a psychologist, yet you still remained your ground and got your degree! And was now facing the kind hearted doctor Toshinoru himself! He was the most respected and talented doctora of all Japan, who just couldn't admire him?

The car came to an stop and Nezu gaze a hearted chickle after finsihing his cup of tea, which didn't even dropped a drop of the drink, before smilling at you as Toshinori and Midoriya helped you out.

"You two are too kind!" You spoke as the boy blushed crinsom red and laughed nervously as Nezu caught your attention.

"(L/n)-san, uou must know that despite us having the best of security measures, evil persons live on here and they can and some even will hurt you. Poor Midoriya-kun had to deal with a teenage girl around his age last week and almost got stabbed."

You widened your eyes as you saw by thhe corner of your eye the poor boy shivering at the memory as Yagi patted him by the head with a nervous chuckle.

You followed Nezu when he entered the building and found the place surprisingly intact even if hearing some shouts, psyotic laughter here and there..

"Im so sorry to not introduce the place for you (L/n)-san, but I have not only young Midoriya here but also another "student" to take care of." The man laughed as you smiled up at the man.

"I understand. Having onterns at such a young age must give some work." The blonde chuckled as he waved while Midoriya wished you a good first day at work before Nezu called you to stand beside him on a elevator and pressing the button to go down.

The number of the monitor, indicating the floors, were lowering as you arched an eyebrows until you jumped at hearing nezu giggling.

"We have floors that indicate which state our pacients mental health is... the lower the floor, the more these expecific pacients of oura need desperately for help."

"I see..." you picked your bag and took out the paste that only had the name and doccuments of your future pacient... Chisaki Kai.

A man around 20 and 25 years old that was a surgeon once, raised by a mafia boss. After being catched of by police for trying to make an unknown and forbided drug he was arrested. His adopted father had gotten ill and eventually put into a coma... in desperate to gain some blood for the elder the only with the compatible blood type of his father was his nephew... it seems that he had almost taken the blood of the girl by force due to desperation after he got out of prison...

Not even succeding on helping the old man, he got send to the Asylum after the acussation of his poor mental state. He got into a physical and heavy fight coincidentally with another pacient of here, and lost both of his arms.

He seemed also to have some sorta of OCD. His mysophobia being so advantege that not even if he comes to contact with dirty places, but even if he felt nervous or angry, hives would appear on his skin... also suffered from PTSD attacks and was paranoid, seing figures of assasinans and monster of four arms after the loss of his father and own members...

This patient is considerated one of the mosy dangerous around here even if missing both arms, now aparently substitute by prosthetics..

NOW you knew why anyone hasn't been very fond of him... the man had beaten up three of his previous doctors and almost send one to heaven.

The sound of your gulp got mixed with the ones of the doors of the elevator opening and Nezu menyioning for you to follow him on the hall.

The entire hall was super and almost shinning clean as you walked through it.

"As you saw on his file. Chisaki has a serious matter with dirt, even going as far as to almost beat our janitor after finding a piece of fry lying on the cafeteria. After that, he reveives his meal only on his room in hopes je doesn't cause such a tragity like before..."

"I see he is pretty... demanding." You muttered as Nezu stopped by a door made of Iron as he searched for a key.

"Surely, not even one of his doctors got the chance to knowing kore than his files, so I wish you to be the lucky one." The man smiled at you before pushing the door.

"... who is it?" The voice came from the darkest part of the room and you saw a hunched over form after squinting your eyes hard enough. The voice was deep and low kinda sexy even

"Chisaki. I have the honor to present you the doctor (L/n) (Y/n)-"

"Ah, another doctor I see." It came as a scratchy sigh, his head lifting up to reveal a man with gorgeous golden dull eyes and brow hair similiar to the woods of a pine, his skin pale amd the prosthetics arms shine the light of the halls back into your eyes.

This was against your own code.... but damn this man was hot.

"Is.. a pleasure to meet-"

"Lets see how much long will you last..." he said with a empty smirk before falling back to his stoic and empty expression, staring at the wall and demanding for you both to get out.

Nezu sighed as he accompanied you to outside and looked at you expectedly.

"... I think I can deal with him. He doesn't sound too bad as his files give away." You smiled at Nezu as he gave a rather relieved sigh and shook your hand in glee.

"Great! Your consulta will hlbe in his room witha bodyguard waiting outside to provide you security as he will be handcuffed for extra care."

You frowned at that as the man handed you the key and accompanied you for an tour around the whole building... Handcuffed? This was a bit extreme...

Wasn't it?

.

.

.

You breathed in and out as the guard was already set on post to watch over. Turning the key to open and quickly close it as instricted by other doctors and collegues.

"Hello." You greeted softly while closing the door as he stared at the table he was handcuffed with "I believe we didn't had a much pleasurable start due to Nezu there..." you seated on ths chair in front of him as he gritted his jaw.

It was silence for a bit as you sighed in sympathy.

"Listen, I have nothing here. Neither to hurt or touch you. I also took at least three showers before coming here to talk with you. I was rather excited to be honest." You smiled at him as he only arched an eyebrow up, still stoic expression.

"Foolish." He gritted through teeth as you tilted your head in confusion "You heard of me getting three people at least to the verge of death... Tell me, how cam you defend yourself from me?" His voice lowered dangerously but you still remained grounded. Surprisingly not even feeling scared.

"You mean also from the... monsters?" You saw how his muscles tightened as his eyes widened at you before narrowing them deep into your soul.

"Dont play like that. I know no one can see them... is just me."

"Well, that is true..." you leaned a bit towards him "But that doesn't mean I cant just try to understand you."

"Is that supposed to make me laugh? I dont need this stupid shit." He hissed while glaring at you.

"I suppose... but when was the last time you talked with someone though?"

It was silent... then he just sighed a bit shakily before starting to scratch the upper part of his arm...

"Get out. Now." You hummed, eviting to giggle at the shocked face he tried to hide at sieng you actually was leaving after he demanded.

"I will be back by tommorow then. Have a nice day Chisaki." You left the room and was inspected by the guard for any form of bruises or injuries and yhey were impressed.

"You're the first one that didn't got injured with that guy over there..."

"I think i just might be getting somewhere with him if I try hard enough."

.

.

.

Slowly but surely you got to talk with Chisaki. He still remained reserved most of the time, but as soon as you brought up the topic of a mess on the first floor was enough to make him complain about the quality of this place.

It wasn't exactly a start... but you did needed to get some sorta of trust of him on you.

One day you were about to enter the room and saw the episode everyone warned you about. His hallucinations.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" you dodged the table he threw with all the force he had near the door as you closed immediatly when you heard the bodyguard calling for others to help put Chisaki on a straightjacket.

"Get out! Get OUT! GET OUT OF HERE!" he shouted at the top of his lungs as he lunched the air and walls as you watched in wary and worry in your eyes as you tried to aproach safetly from behind.

"Chisaki-" you gasped when he almost punched you if it wasn't for your good reflexes "Chisaki listen to me!"

Ee only let out a bloody scream as he tried with all his forces to attack you before he caged you by the wall as you gagged at the metal hand on your throat.

"Chisaki.. im not here to hurt you-!" You tried to push more air into your lungs as he growled.

You tapped his shoulder out of desperation and immediatly gasped for air as he jerked away from your touch, blinking as if he had just woken up as you coughed.

When you opwned your eyes and saw him standing up, looking at you in shock you sighed in relief while getting up.

"H.. How? How did you make him to..?" He whispered while looking around the room in desperation "H-He was just... here-! He was HERE!" He shouted, his anger coming back as you walked towards him.

"Chisaki.." his amber and wrathful eyes looked into yours as you asked softly "What was in here?"

"It was.." he looked at the ground comflicted before grasping his hair with a groan "No no.. cant be... CANT BE! HE ISN'T HERE!"

"Who isn't here? Chisaki?"

"MY IDIOT FATHER!" he shouted "HAPPY NOW DOCTOR?!"

You widened your eyes as he breathed in shakily before dropping on the ground and crossing his arms to support his head.

"But... why would your-"

"Not the one in my files..." he groaned before looking at the wall numbily "My biological shitty one... an abuser. Use that to get a promotoon or whatever brat.. just leave me alone."

You furrowed your eyebrows down at him. Your heart speaking louder than your mind as you gently aproached him and seated next to him, maintaning enough distance to mantain him on a comfortable state.

"... I thought you didn't remember your biological parents." You commented as he linched the bridge of his nose.

"How could you forget someone that made your childhood a living hell?" He breathed out "I dont even know why I am even telling you this..."

"... let me guess.. abusive?" You spoke with sadness as he chuckled darkly.

"Pitying a sociopath and murder now doctor?" He brushed his fangs away "Don't. Is pathetic."

"Abusive." You confirmed as you stared at the wall he was facing at "Instrict father and negletful mother..?"

"... the man was an arrogant bastard... always beating and just taking away any sorta of ways of basic needs.. while my mother was a selfish women whose always called me a failure. A burden. A mistake... my father on one day was about to beat me up for grabbing something to eat..when I grabbed his gun to defend myself and accidentally shot him... the woman called the police on her own 5 years old child can you imagine that?" You stared at him in sadness.

No one knew his backstory. No one knew anything about him when he was under 12 years old. His archive compeltely erased... and there he was.

"The visions you have... is of him?"

"... a more like fusion or something." He groaned whipe scrwching his face "Has his face but has the arms of a beast... and four arms... other times is that Shigaraki that took my arms... others are my mother just trying to stab me or hold me down while she yells for me to... to behave..." he sighed shakily "Is the session over yet?"

You frowned before slowly aproaching him and taking his metal hand on yours as he widened your eyes.

"Is over.. but if you want i can stay here... to make sure those assholes wont be back." You smiled up at him as he stared at you like you grew three heads.

"I... I believe you have other places to be...?"

".. I enjoy having your company." You smiled again "After all, you dont deserve to be left caged alone.. You're still human after all.."

He stared at you before looking at the wall as you giggled a bit at the tips of his ears getting red as he thought over and over again.

Was he... was he really worth of being called a human?

.

.

.

"This new medication here might give some colateral effects, so after taking them i need you to tell me. But asides from that they will releave a but if that itchy feeling of your hives and the other will help a bit with your-"

"Hallucinations" the man completed as he analyzed the bottle only to sigh and open it later "I saw them once in the hospital I worked for."

"Oh I see!" You replied cheerfully at seing an opportunity to talk with him "I know you were an explendid surgeon."

"... kind of. Had almost a heart attack when blood was spilled on my skin now at then. Sicks.." He looked at you snorting before the hint of a smirk started to form only to dissapear as he took the two piles onto his hand.

"Uh.. You need to eat first to take your meds." You warned before he could plop the pills on his mouth... he stared deep into your eyes as he lowered them on a napkin and leaned on his chair while crossing hsi metalic arms.

"Then I guess I wont be taking it. The food of this place is horrible and disgusting. Not as much as my room." You arched an eyebrow at him before furrowing them in worry.

"What? Dont they clean your room? The halls are even shining. And what about the food?"

"Not quite." He sighed "A precary job, and some guards like to come by and dirt the place just to give me a headache... the food is just the same."

You hummed before getting up.

"Well then, I guess I have to grab somethings and demands some changes..."

"Oh, how adorable. You getting my food? Make me laugh some more doctor, Im dying to see it." He spoke on a nonchantly tone as you only poked your tongue out at him before muttering that you would be right back.

To him it seemed like hours you had gotten out and even dared to scold on how slow you must be.

"I brought you what seems to be your favorite! Not the food from the cafeteria, I swear!"

He watched in amusement and accidentaly smiled at seing you there with what was once his favorite food until he flinched at your gasp.

"I see a smile thereeeee!!!!" You pointed at his face repeatedly as he surprisingly gently slapped your hand away while taking the bag.

"You're such a nuisance." He sighed, hating how his mouth drooled.

"I washed the fork."

"But I didn't even-"

"I know you Kai." You giggled before widening your eyes and slapping your hands over your mouth in shock.

His eyes were also wide open as you felt your face heat up.

"Im so sorry! It was so unproffesional this oh my Go-"

"Is..." he interrupted you while looking at the opposite direction of yours "Alright... surprisingly my name doesn't sound... so bad when you speak... doctor."

Your eyes softened a bit as a flustered and quite a happy smile graced over your features that made him blush even more.

.

.

.

"Is impressive!" Toshinori and Nezu exclaimed together as they saw the progress yoh had made with Chisaki only in a matter of months as you giggled. "You're a god send (L/n)-san!"

"Please!" You waved them off in embarrassment.

"No no, none of that young one!" Yagi snorted "We decides to give you a week of vacation after such an amazing progress like that! Starting today!"

"T-Today?!"

"Yeah! Dont worry about your pacient, we will get him a substitute just to make him take the meds."

You didn't had much of a choice since they already send the poor guy over his way.

.

.

Two days... two days and you simply wasn't here. Just seing a trembling hand almost throwing the pills at him as he sighed in dissapointment. Two days and he hadn't see the face of his beautiful and pretty doctor of his... he couldn't believe it...but he was so desperately craving them. To hear her voice, to.. even feel his hand brush against hers...

He jerked up when he heard the sound of the door opening, narrowing hus eyes at seing that the doctor whose entered his room, wasn't his doctor.

"U-Uh... I-I'm here to-"

"You're." He standed up from his bed "Not." He walked close to the shivering doctor "my (Y/n)."

Before he knew it, he saw visions of you being handed and taken away by one of these monster as he shouted and beaten up the man, the security guard allerting all of the bodyguards about the pacient 14 leaving his cell and attacking others.

The alarms set off and all securities were called as he toom them down ome by one as he shouted with all the forces of his lungs:

"WHERE IS MY DOCTOR?! GIVE HER BACK!" he shouted as he took each one of them down and even managing to stab one of the doctors and one of the security guards witha freacking pen that was in the pocket of one of the pacients that was nearby.

“GET THE SEDATIVE AND THE STRAIGHTJACKET! QUICK BEFORE HE-” the poor guard had his head locked on Chisaki metal hand as he slammed him into the wall into the point it bleed.

He shouted in pain when he felt the syring on his neck, his body starting to get drownsy as he was threw down on the ground, still trying to fight until the end as he kept calling for you...

“Help me... PLEASE! I WILL BE GOOD! IM SORRY!” He shouted and cried at the same time “WHERE’S MY DOCTOR?! (Y/N)!”

He shouted your name until he had no voice or force t do so as his body gave out....

.

.

.

You ran after scoldng every one that tred to stop you as you searched for the key of Kai’s room.

You had received an emergency call after three weeks of your vacation and to say you were both terrified and worried was a understandement. You needed to see Kai. Just thinking about him prisioned on his room and on a jacket made you feel horrible... you even heard the possibilty of the U>A taking away his prosthetics arms due to “security measures”.

You opened the door and loghten up the lights to see Chisaki laying on his bed. A numb look towards the ceiling as you whimpered his name and went to stand close to him.

“... did you come to kill me..?” you widened your eyes as you thought the urge to tear up as you looked for the key of the straightjacket that Nezu gave it to you after your begging.

“Kai im so so sorry...” You whimpered while freeing him... HIm blinking as if he just notices your presence and moving his arms before sitting up.... looking at his metal fingers move, one by one..

“..Are you another hallucination...?” he flinched at your hand coming in contact with his cheeks ashe looked at you as if he was about to kill you right there.

“No... Kai, feel me.. I’m here. Aren’t the meds helping you anymore:”

He stared at you for a what seemed like a decade before he brushed his fingers on your cheek before choosing to bring you close on what seemed like a hug, since he coulnd’t feel with his prosthetics...

A shaky sigh leaved him as he clinged onto you.

“I... You weren’t taken away... I dont feel sick with your touch...” you hugged him back with a shaky inhale before breathing out.

“I wont be taken away... Im your doctor after all...” you buried your face on the crook of his neck and inhaled his clean scent. getting drunk by him.

You didn’t know when your lips came in contact, but they did... and you didn’t even cared about your carrer anymore, you only carried about him... you knew this man could and would get better. You just could feel it.

“You want to know something?” he whispered after the kiss as you hummed “You sound more like an angell to me. My angel.”

[kanday]

I've been feeling like this for a while and have struggled to put it into words.

I go through stages of feeling no emotion, I feel bored and the boredom won’t go, I lose interest in things and people really quickly. Then stages where I'm paralysed with emotion (mainly extreme anxiety, anger or sadness) and it's too overwhelming. Nothing has to trigger it, it just happens out of my control multiple times a day. The way I feel about people in my life can change suddenly and dramatically from one moment to the next moment. I forget I exist and don't feel like I'm in the right body or home like everything is a stimulation. I disassociate multiple times a day, feeling numb, lost and not there like i dont exist. I get easily attached to things or people and idolize them then get paranoid they will leave me for better options. That's when I spam them with messages, calls or try to get their full attention on me but I can also cut them out with no explanation or communication. When I idolize someone and their attention is somewhere else I get possessive and controlling as I don't want them to leave me. People are only there to stab me in the back, they're stubborn or it's their role (mom,dad,sibling) all they have to do is look at me or say something and I know they're going to leave me. I struggle to control my emotions such as anger and the impulsive side. This ends up being taken out on myself (like causing bruising, cuts, blisters and biting the inside of my lips)  when I go anywhere (like a family event)  I'm usually invisible to everyone and my voice isn't heard. It's a mentally draining stimulation. I'd rather isolate myself. I need constant reassurance and to be told I'm doing the right thing. I can't see a future with me in it at all. I make plans when I'm feeling okay then the next minute then panic\ get angry because they're talking behind my back. Everyday I have to deal with trying to fight my emotions and trying to tell myself I'm a good person. I overthink and pick things apart where I went wrong or what I could have done differently and really apologetic so they don't reject me. I want to be alone but need someone with me to feel a bit more at ease. I'm always tired but really struggle to sleep. I tend to get over excited and over do things and interrupt the person i'm talking to, constantly. I'm really struggling and trying not to act how I feel but it's getting more and more overwhelming for me not to destroy something in a fit of rage (relationships, items or myself.) I constantly have the feeling of emptiness. I do things that are unhealthy (drugs, binge drinking, spending all of my money) I've self harmed multiple times. I tried suicide but chickened out and paniced. I'm struggling to hold down a job without my mental health interfering, but I can't, then I panic and lose my job because I can't mentaly stand to leave my bed. I'm struggling to cope with this but I'm scared of the outcome. Something is wrong with me. I am lost and embarrassed of myself. I don’t know what to do or where to go, I'm stuck in limbo.

[blue-thief]

Sanders Sides MBTI Types

I did this for The Umbrella Academy, so it was about time that I did this for Sanders Sides.

Logan - ESTJ

I know you’re probably confused. I mean, he’s literally the embodiment of logic, how could he not be xNTx? Well, it all goes down to cognitive functions. 

Logan is quite obviously a Te dominant. I can understand Ti, but I believe that his thinking function leans more to the extroverted side (lol, get it? Side?). 

I’ll copy and paste something I found about Te that I found on the MBTI subreddit that was posted by u/GodSteph:

“Te users believe in facts, data, and information they gather from Outside sources. They believe in survey results, in graphs, numbers that represent people's decisions and ideas. They feed their mind with information validated outside of their heads. For them, if results of different surveys or information seem accurate to lots of people, these results are accurate too. They don't stop and internally process if the information seems reasonable inside their heads. They dont validate it internally. They just accept it.”

Seems like Logan, right?

Now, you’re probably wondering why auxiliary Si rather than Ni.

Dominant and auxiliary Si users (xSxJ) are suckers for the rules. They don’t really think much about questions, theories, and things like that. That also makes sense for Logan. Every time he gets into an argument with Roman, it’s always about Rules vs. Innovation. Sure, Logan does veer off from your typical sensor when he references famous philosophers, but that’s probably because of his well-developed tertiary Ne.

So, yeah. Logan is an ESTJ.

Patton - ESFJ

Patton definitely leads with Fe. Fe focuses on the emotions around them and people who use it tend to be good at recognising the emotions of the people around them. Unhealthy Fe can be used to manipulate others and/or cause the person to care about what others think about them too much.

Patton has been shown to use healthy Fe by making sure that everyone else is happy and taking care of their needs like the dad he is. But unhealthy Fe does show up every now and then.

Unsympathetic!Patton is a classic example of using Fe to manipulate others. I won’t go into it too much because I know people aren’t really comfortable with thinking about Patton like that.

Unhealthy Fe that keeps seeking approval from others shows up every now and then as well. He feels like he needs to keep up the act of being happy all the time so the other Sides don’t worry about him. So yeah, Fe dominant for Patton.

Now, what about auxiliary Si? Well, like I said, Si users are suckers for the rules. Patton never wants to step out of line and is desperate to always stay morally right. Si users also tend to be very nostalgic, I’m pretty sure, and I don’t even have to explain that if you’ve seen the Moving On episodes.

So, yeah. Patton is an ESFJ.

Roman - ENFP

Do I even need to explain dominant Ne? Ne is literally the cognitive function that describes Roman.

I can see why someone might type Roman as an ENTP stuck in a Ne-Fe loop, but I think he uses Fi, not Fe. Fi is one of the hardest functions to explain, so this might be a little tricky. Fi has a lot to do with strong beliefs and morals. Fi also has a lot to do with authenticity, which is something that matters a lot to Roman since he’s always pushing himself to be completely original, and well, authentic.

So, yeah. Roman is an ENFP.

Virgil - INTP

Virgil is stuck in a Ti-Si loop.

“The Ti-Si loop traps the INTP in their introverted functions and causes them to neglect their extraverted functions. Instead of looking at possibilities and thinking of the future, the INTP becomes very caught up in analyzing the past for answers using Ti (Introverted Thinking) and Si (Introverted Sensing). This causes the INTP to become very nostalgic, thinking of the past and sometimes idealizing it. They might want to use this information to help them understand things better, searching for answers from mistakes or actions taken in the past. This can cause the INTP to overthink the situation quite a bit, since they aren’t relying on or trusting their functions in the way they are used to. They use this past information but will analyze it to death, not really knowing when they have figured out the right answers and solutions from what they have uncovered. Instead of grasping the full picture, the INTP becomes obsessive over the past and so they are often missing important facts and details. They are only seeing things from a much more narrow scope, feeling trapped in those emotions and behaviors from their past. The information they are gathering becomes much more subjective, and so they try to find ways to fill in the blanks and often come up with results which are missing facts that the INTP desperately needs. Not having those pieces can cause the INTP to seem a bit paranoid about their relationships, since they compare current connections to one’s from the past. If someone exhibits behaviors similar to another person the INTP once knew, they will often judge them based on this. Instead of trusting in their intuition, the INTP is relying too heavily on the past and finds themselves disconnected and possibly paranoid about people and the choices they have made.”

(Found here: https://personalitygrowth.com/INTP-ti-si-loop-what-it-means-and-how-to-break-free/)

The last bit really applies to Virgil. Roman and Logan have both slipped up and nearly pointed out that Virgil is paranoid. Also, “If someone exhibits behaviors similar to another person the INTP once knew, they will often judge them based on this.” really reminds me of the theory that Virgil was mistrusting of Roman before because he reminded Virge about Remus too much.

Deceit - INTJ

I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING THAT DECEIT IS AN ENTJ. HE’S NOT. EVEN IF WE’RE TYPING BY DICHOTOMIES, HE’S AN INTJ.

First, my weakest point: if we’re typing by dichotomies, he’s an introvert. He looks down on social engagements (”Well, the bar for skipping an important occasion should be higher than a...social engagement.”), already indicating that he’s an introvert. Also, he absolutely loses it when he’s around others for too long. Look at how Deceit behaves near the end of SvS. He’s absolutely done with the others.

Next, my second weakest and second strongest point which will be copied and pasted from a point I made on Personality Database:

“An ENTJ would enlist the help of the people around him to reach their goals. Deceit does that with going to Remus in DWIT, but it's in a last-ditch effort to get Thomas to understand that Deceit is not trying to harm him. Originally, Deceit planned on solving his problem independently, just like an INTJ would. The only reason he got Remus to help him was that there were no other options. If there were, I can guarantee that Deceit would leave the other Dark Sides out of all of this.”

Finally, my last and strongest argument. He leads with Ni, not Te. His Ni is SO HECKING APPARENT, HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE IT? In all of the episodes where he made an important appearance (that one point in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning and the end-card for The Nightmare Instead of Christmas don’t count), he referenced numerous philosophers like Kant, Sterner, and Plato.

He’s also very vision-oriented rather than goal-oriented, which is more INTJ rather than ENTJ.

Besides, Deceit’s entire character’s vibe screams “wE lIvE iN a sOcIeTy”, and I can’t think of anything more INTJ than that.

So, yeah. Deceit is an INTJ.

Remus - ENTP

Just like his brother, Remus is obviously an Ne user. Some people think he leads with Se and I just don’t see it. Se users are in touch with reality and that’s just not Remus. His mind is always somewhere else, thinking about kidnapping a goose and waterboarding it until it honks out the truth about the Illuminati, then planning on roasting the goose to death and force-feeding it’s body to Roman who’s begging his brother for freedom (not based off of a true story).

So, why Ti rather than Fi? Well, if you stop and think for a moment, Remus is actually kind of smart. He’s constantly throwing around random facts (”Did you know that dork means whale *redacted*?”, *insert some forbidden knowledge about Jeffery Dahmer here*, *some stuff that he knows about religion for some reason*) which is peak Ti user behaviour. 

Remus also fits into a lot of ENTP stereotypes. His humour is either a) dirty, or b) dark. He loves mental sparring, or at least messing with other people’s heads. He’s extremely blunt and is not afraid to express his opinions on topics (”Have you forgotten about the part where I’m your creativity? Obviously I have opinions on the matter.”)

I can also see him being stuck in an Ne-Fe loop. I’m pretty sure that it was confirmed in a livestream that the only thing Remus wants is attention, which seems a lot like unhealthy Fe like I mentioned in Patton’s section. He also shows a lot of similarities with another ENTP character who’s stuck in a loop, Klaus Hargreeves.

So, yeah. Remus is an ENTP.

---

A lot of this was unedited, so there might be tons of mistakes or things that don’t really add up. I’m open to arguments for why the Sides are different types, but I’ve only changed my mind about someone’s type once, so yeah.

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[eljokerbabey]

3, 10, 12-15, 17, 19-26, 28-30, 33-37, 39, 41-47, 49-52, 54-59, 65, 67-75, 77-82, 86-88, 91-97, 100-102, 104-107, 109, 111-113, 115-120, 123-128, 130-133, 135-136, 141-142, 144, 147-150.

 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?Tom Holland onscreen as Peter Parker in Infinity War. But also my friends who are going with me to infinity war.10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Probably Nick12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Boy Pablo - EverytimeGinger Root - Call It HomeWild Child - Crazy BirdBusty and The Bass - Melodies and MemoriesAlice Francis - Shoot Him Down 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Yes, its really soothing. I mean, ask first, but yeah generally it kinda instantly puts me in a good mood. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?I guess I believe in luck kinda, I mean, I definitely know some people who seem luckier than others.15. What good thing happened this summer?It’s not yet summer so I guess it means last summer, which is lots, went swimming, made new friends, had fun. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Yeah, whether its intelligent hasn’t been determined but life definitely exists on other planets. Plus, the universe is too big for intelligent life to not exist somewhere so I think it probably does.19. Do you like bubble baths?Yeah, I can’t remember the last time I had one though. ;-;20. Do you like your neighbors?not really to the one on our left, but the one on our right is a cool guy, he drives a santa truck. The one across the street seems like a good guy.21. What are your bad habits?Second guessing myself, not paying attention, not showing up to stuff22. Where would you like to travel?Japan and Europe, also Canada23. Do you have trust issues?yeah24. Favorite part of your daily routine?petting the cats25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?I guess my stomach26. What do you do when you wake up?Lie in bed for a while28. Who are you most comfortable around?My parents, some of my friends (nick, enrique, emily, david and robin all come to mind) 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Nah, I lost contact with one of them, and then I’m just bad at keeping in touch when it comes with others. I kinda wish I didn’t lose contact with a lot of people, not just exes, I’m kinda unintentionally bridge burn-y 30. Do you ever want to get married?fufufufu is this a proposal?!~ So forward, my my. I’ll consider it! ohohohohoho!33. Spell your name with your chin.daNIKEWLK ;L;LDE ;LASN GBEDLKIKNA34. Do you play sports? What sports?sport sport sport sport sport35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV, I don’t really watch it anyway36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yes, many times! Often!37. What do you say during awkward silences?I dunno, I don’t really mind silences, I guess sometimes I’ll make a funny noise or clicky my tongue, very rarely I enjoy trying to make them purposefully awkward, but I have to be in a shenanigans mood for that. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I like stores that have neat stuff, like antique stores or thrift stores.41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?More or less42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?Usually I’ve got something on my mind, but sometimes I just don’t have energy. Also sometimes it means I wish someone where talking to me. Sometimes in relation to me having something on my mind I wanna talk about.43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Space I guess45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?I dont know if I have an answer for that right now46. What are you paranoid about?I dunno, strangers, I just always have an eye out, I got mugged one time and now my brain won’t let me not hyperfocus on what strangers around me are doing.47. Have you ever been high?A couple times 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?I dunno probably50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Purple I think51. Ever wished you were someone else?Yeah kinda, I guess I’ve mostly just wished I was me in someone elses situation or something52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?Things about my appearance, I’m working on it. 54. Favourite store?I don’t know55. Favourite blog?Mine56. Favourite colour?Somewhere in the realm of blue57. Favourite food? I’m not really hungry right now so its hard for me to have an answer for. Uhh, probably sushi though. 58. Last thing you ate?I had some burger king 59. First thing you ate this morning?probably the aforementioned burger king65. Are you hungry right now?no67. Facebook or Twitter?I guess I use facebook more68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr probably69. Are you watching tv right now?nope70. Names of your bestfriends? Michael, Emily, Nick, Enrique, Ally, come to mind71. Craving something? What?human intimacy or something72. What colour are your towels?There’s purple ones and green ones and a couple of blue ones72. How many pillows do you sleep with?3 exactly73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?I do not

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?I dunno, probably a couple, somewhere around here

75. Favourite animal?Cat77. Chocolate or Vanilla?chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Cookie Dough or something79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Blue

80. What colour pants?Black81. Favourite tv show?I dunno I have lots, My Hero Academia, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Doctor Who, etc82. Favourite movie?This is also hard, I still really liked spiderman homecoming, most of the marvel movies really, uhh, Kung Fu Hustle, Baby Driver, Scott Pilgrim, etc86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?I dunno, Crush?87. First person you talked to today?Nick I think, hard not to when he lives in the same room as me88. Last person you talked to today?Either my dad or nick, I can’t remember if I said anything to nick when I entered the room a second ago91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Sure92. In a fight with someone?Kinda, I’m not on the best terms with a couple people93. How many sweatpants do you have?2 pairs probably? 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Unsure, several95. Last movie you watched?I just watched Baby Driver and Thor Ragnarok with my family96. Favourite actress?I don’t knooooooowwwwwww, favorites are haaaaaaaard. 97. Favourite actor?haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.100. How are you feeling?

I’m feeling ok

101. Do you type fast?very

102. Do you regret anything from your past?yeah kinda, I have made mistakes that I probably would change if I could, at the very least I wish I could make them right. I do think they attribute to where I am and that changing any of them would mean changing my whole life so I don’t know that I regret them104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Yeah, there’s a few people that I don’t talk to anymore (rather, they don’t uh, talk to me anymore) because I was… I dunno, kinda crazy. I really wish I could’ve had the foresight to keep those people in my life somehow.105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Kinda? I mean, sure, I guess so106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Yeah, I’d probably change that too. I dunno, I at least hope the people I’ve hurt know I’m sorry.107. Have you ever been on a horse?a what109. Is something irritating you right now?Not right this second but I do have things that are problems on a general scale, I’m just not currently upset about them111. Do you have trust issues?again, yeah112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I don’t remember, I don’t remember the last time I really cried113. What was your childhood nickname?Pooh, like Winnie-The, its because my middle name is Oso, which is spanish for bear, so I got called Pooh-Bear a lot, and often it was just shortened to Pooh.115. Do you play the Wii?This is a very old person sounding question. “Hey sonny, do you like the eck bawk?” yeah I guess I’ve played the wii, I think Nick has one116. Are you listening to music right now?Not right this second but I can hear the background music from a game nick is playing, which would be this song117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Sure118. Do you like Chinese food?Yeah hella119. Favourite book?favourites are haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. I like The Dresden Files a lot, the Haruhi Suzumiya books are really good, Scott Pilgrim is fantastic, Interview With A Vampire is pretty solid120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not like, exceptionally, i mean, sometimes?123. Can you keep white shoes clean?I mean, sure, I don’t really own a pair of white shoes but I’m sure I could do it if I wanted to124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Kinda, I mean, I believe that you can get a crush on someone based on observation of appearance125. Do you believe in true love?uhhh, as much as experience tells me I shouldn’t, I guess so, I mean, I think its about dedication on both sides, love is partially a choice, or rather, a dedication126. Are you currently bored?yeah I mean, kinda, generally, but answering questions is entertaining.127. What makes you happy?Doing fun stuff with people I enjoy128. Would you change your name?In some situations sure.130. Do you like subway?yeah its good131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I’d probably give it a try, one date/hangout with a romantic connotation just to see couldn’t hurt probably? I dunno, I think about things in a pretty exploratory manner, so I tend to be open to experiences to see whether or not something works.132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Probably Nick? 133. Favourite lyrics right now?I already did this in a previous one so I’ll go for some different ones this time “I was a green eyed monsterCould you tell I was afraid?I sat myself down and shot my fear in the face”Garbage - Man On A Wire I just really like the delivery in that song, and I’ve been listening to it lately  135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I try not to just lie about stuff now but when I was a little kid I had some pretty good ones, I once convinced a friend that by law they had to have a black guy in every commercial. I also convinced him that japanese or something was just english backwards.136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?uh, closed, given that the door to this room goes to the outside141. Night or Day?normally I’d say night but I’ve found myself getting depressed with nightfall lately142. Favourite month?December144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk 147. Mars or Snickers?Mars148. What’s your favourite quote?  “The power of one man doesn’t amount to much. But, with whatever little strength I’m capable of… I’ll do everything humanly possible to protect the people I love, and in turn they’ll protect the ones they love. It seems like the least we tiny humans can do for each other.“  - Roy Mustang, Fullmetal Alchemist“We evolve, beyond the person that we were a minute before. Little by little, we advance with each turn. That’s how a drill works!” - Simon, Gurren Lagann149. Do you believe in ghosts?I don’t know what I believe right now150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? How could things                                                    Have                                                    gone                                                       so                                                    wrong?Thanks for the ask! Lemme know if I missed anything

[appledoom47]

All the even questions up to 50 >:]

well at least you were kind enough to not ask for all of them this time lmao

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

im usually more outgoing but it depends on the day

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i mean. youd have to ask the people that interact with me the daily. they usually stick around so i guess so?

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

people that make me laugh and that go out of their way to be nice to me for no reason

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

no one in that way

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i think it was Cold

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

again with making me choose afuhiafauwfuoawf I DONT KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD SONGS

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

luck not so much but i definitely believe in miracles

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

hell to the no

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

no

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i havent met them but id like them better if they didnt PLAY REALLY LOUD CREEPY SPACE MUSIC AT LIKE 1 AM

22. Where would you like to travel?

Japan, England, Europe, more of south america

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

settling down on my phone/computer at night

26. What do you do when you wake up?

if i have somewhere to be i get up, take a shower if i can and get dressed. if i dont have somewhere to be i chill in bed with my phone until i have to get up or want to get on my PC

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my friends

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

i dont really think about celebrities that way

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i mean in middle school i played basketball and softball but i havnt touched a sports ball since.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Someone who can make me laugh and is kind and will stick with me and comfort me through all my bad times no matter how often they happen and will never force me to do anything i dont want to and will remind me of the good things

40. What do you want to do after high school?

lol you can tell the age of the person who wrote these questions. ive been out of high school for 4ish years now and i still dont know

42. If your being extremely quite what does it mean?

it means ive gone nonverbal but normally i use my basic sign or writing on my phone to communicate in that case

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

46. What are you paranoid about?

literally everything

48. Have you ever been drunk?

im a recovering alcoholic

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

its been a long ass time since i last wore a hoodie so i think it was the old white one i wore to change oil one time

[valleyofthefae]

MAC MAC MAC ,,, answer all the number ask questions .... I dare ya 👀

i accept ur dare 👀👀😎

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?my little sister probs ? 
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy af !!!
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my nana tomorrow !
4. Are you easy to get along with?ummm,,,, i feel like im not but idk how others feel about that
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?hmm,, idk ? 🤔
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?ppl who look like they dont sleep very often (dane dehaan for example), ppl w/ pretty eyes, or interesting personalities tbh (idk what i mean by that, im thinking about Grimes & Billie tbh) 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?heck nah 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Dane since i mentioned him up there ^
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yup
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?You probably !! 💕
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“haha, okayyy 💓💓!!!” to u 👀
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Bellyache by Billie Eilish, Grrrls by AViVa, Pretty Head by Transviolet, The Gunner by MGK, & party favor by billie eilish :) 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?mhmm!!
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Eh, kinda??? I believe in miracles, luck not so much
15. What good thing happened this summer?idk,, that was 5ever ago 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell no
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?yes !!!
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?nope :) i was too scared to talk to them in general tbh 
19. Do you like bubble baths?i used to !
20. Do you like your neighbors?yeah!! some of them, i live by a lotta old people & theyre really nice !!
21. What are you bad habits?ummm, biting my lips/insides of my cheeks && some other things 
22. Where would you like to travel?Canada, Europe, some places in Asia, & other states !!
23. Do you have trust issues?yeah :/
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?makin tea 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?all of them
26. What do you do when you wake up?i look at what time it is 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?im actually okay with my skin color now, i used to wish i had lighter skin though 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?you !!
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?nah
30. Do you ever want to get married?nah
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?yup!! :)
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?🙅🏽‍♀️
33. Spell your name with your chin.um,, maheczwi tried :)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?no, i played softball like 6 years ago tho (i hated it)
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv !
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yeah!
37. What do you say during awkward silences?i dont know if i say anything ? 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?someone who isnt a terrible person
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Claire’s, FYE, antique places, goodwill
40. What do you want to do after high school?i have no ideaaa
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Depends on what they did
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?idk, it can mean a lotta thingsbut tbh, im always quiet so who knowsss 
43. Do you smile at strangers?if they smile at me i do :)
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?dang man, idk !!!! is both an option 👀👀
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?on school days, my alarm bc i have to climb down a ladderon weekends, having to go to the bathroom does
46. What are you paranoid about?my friends secretly hating me,, and probs other stuff 
47. Have you ever been high?nope :)
48. Have you ever been drunk?nope :)
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?no :) 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black 
51. Ever wished you were someone else?25/9
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?The way my brain is wired
53. Favourite makeup brand?Hard candy probs 
54. Favourite store?claire’s
55. Favourite blog?hmmmm, idk i follow a lot !
56. Favourite colour?pastel pink, blue, purple, gray, & white
57. Favourite food? apples
58. Last thing you ate? some chicken marsala thing 
59. First thing you ate this morning?oatmeal
60. Ever won a competition? For what?I dont think so ? 🤔
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope !
62. Been arrested? For what?nope !
63. Ever been in love? nah! 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?it was w/ one of my childhood friends & tbh, that’s all i remember 
65. Are you hungry right now?,,
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?i dont have tumblr friends tbh
67. Facebook or Twitter?ummmm, i dont like either 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?yup! im watching tom & jerry 😎
70. Names of your bestfriends? youuuu ! 
71. Craving something? What?strawberries tbh 
72. What colour are your towels?umm we got some gray ones & some purple ones !
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?one or none tbh 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?mhmm!!! theyre at the end of my bed (they make there way up to where i am tho) 
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?👀👀👀👀👀 15-25 is a good guess,, for the ones on my bedi have a lotta stuffed animals 
75. Favourite animal?fox, bunny, soo many othersss !!!
76. What colour is your underwear?purple
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?vanilla, tbh
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?vanilla
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?a pink & black one :)
80. What colour pants?black 
81. Favourite tv show?Looney Tunes
82. Favourite movie?hmmmm,,,,, idk honestlymy fav recent movie is wonder woman 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?ehh, not really a fan of either one !
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?ive never seen 21 jump street soo idk 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Karen (??? idk, the one played by Amanda Seyfried) 
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?the octopus (idk her name), & Gil
87. First person you talked to today?my sister maybe ?? i honestly have no idea
88. Last person you talked to today?my sister 
89. Name a person you hate?😉 we all know who i hate w/ a passion (hint: the name starts with a “n”) 
90. Name a person you love?Alyssa, Billie Eilish (it only calls for one, but i love billie) 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?myself 
92. In a fight with someone?nah
93. How many sweatpants do you have?likeeeee 2 pairs i think 
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?dang idk tbh,, i have a lotta hoodies && at least 5-7 sweaters 
95. Last movie you watched?Bolt 
96. Favourite actress?ahhhh !! i have too many, soooDove Cameron, Angelina Jolie, Elle Fanning, Emily Browning, Gal Gadot, Ástrid Bergés-Frisbey, Hannah Murray, Christina Ricci, Lily-Rose Depp, etc !! 
97. Favourite actor?Dane Dehaan, Cole Sprouse, J D*pp, Freddie Highmore, etc
98. Do you tan a lot?no ?
99. Have any pets?i have a dog named layla && some fish !
100. How are you feeling?not too swell :/
101. Do you type fast?heck yeah man !
102. Do you regret anything from your past?so many things 
103. Can you spell well?i’d like to think so, im not too bad at it :)
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?mhm 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?nope !
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?idk, honestly
107. Have you ever been on a horse?ive been on a pony, does that count? 
108. What should you be doing?nothing atm !
109. Is something irritating you right now?yeah,, but it’s all good !
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?no
111. Do you have trust issues?aye (this is up there somewhere too) 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?idk honestly
113. What was your childhood nickname?Kenz
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?mhm!!! ive been to texas, other states going to texas, Washington DC, Mexico (i was hella young), other places bc of my sisters meets, && yeah :) 
115. Do you play the Wii?not anymore 
116. Are you listening to music right now?no, i might tho 
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?yeah
118. Do you like Chinese food?yeh, some of it 
119. Favourite book?hmmmmmmmmmm, idk !! 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?yes 
121. Are you mean?i can be 
122. Is cheating ever okay?nope
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?ive never owned white shoes !
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?no
125. Do you believe in true love?no
126. Are you currently bored?kinda
127. What makes you happy?um,, seein my bestest buddy, talkin’ to my bestest buddy, seeing cute animals, and listening to music 
128. Would you change your name?yeah, tbh
129. What your zodiac sign?Aquarius :)
130. Do you like subway?no
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Idk,, i wouldnt like em back tho
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?this ones up there too !
133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Call me calloused, call me coldYou’re italic, I’m in boldCall me cocky, watch your toneYou better love me, ‘cause you’re just a clone” - COPYCAT by billie 
134. Can you count to one million?gosh i hope so
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?hmm, idk ive told a lotta dumb lies 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closed !!!! always!! 
137. How tall are you?5’3”
138. Curly or Straight hair?curly/wavy
139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette 
140. Summer or Winter?winter (even tho i hate winter)
141. Night or Day?Night
142. Favourite month?october
143. Are you a vegetarian?i wish
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?none,, tbh 
145. Tea or Coffee?tea
146. Was today a good day?nah
147. Mars or Snickers?neither
148. What’s your favourite quote?hmm, idk atm
149. Do you believe in ghosts?yes
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Selling their bog recipes and crone aphorisms and schoolboy spells! It makes me sick.”from the Wicked book

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/08/13/meeting-family/

Meeting family?

I apologise in advance this is long and complicated TW (mental abuse/alleged sexual abuse/physical attack) (Note: I am currently 29 years old)

My mother has always been a single mother. I am repeatedly told by her and her friends how she gave up her job and life and everything for me. She never ever ever tells me a thing about the past. To the point where one of her friends would let slip “when we were teens and snuck out to the cinema…” my mum was absolutely furious and got extremely angry at her friend for telling (trying to tell me) a story about her and also at me for “listening to her sh*t” I CANNOT know ANYTHING. And the only friend who let things slip has now died.

She is so secretive about my actual family that any friends (or friend’s parents) who’d ask about my dad or why she never married she’d never let me talk to them ever again (which made school awkward).

She is extremely controlling with my friends, if I go somewhere she HAS to drive me. She also has to pick me up. This is to confirm I am with who I say I’m with. If I’m vague or if she doesn’t see me actually meet my friend she will wait somewhere around the area and sometimes she sends her friends and her friend’s daughters out to spy on me. Example: One time I said I’m meeting “Natasha” at Starbucks at 11. Got dropped off in town. Natasha couldn’t meet until 1 and we went to Caffè Nero. My mum was furious at me because she walked past Starbucks and sat outside waiting for me and I never showed up. “Who were you with, where were you what were you doing, you’re a liar, this is why I don’t trust you” The next day I met a different friend “Kayleigh” and outside the place we were meeting was my mum’s friend’s daughter who watched me go in, who I sat with and immediately started typing on her phone. (I was 28 at the time this happened. Not young!). She’ll also go into shops or cafes or places my friends work and ask if I was in and who was I with and things like that.

She refuses to let me have my own bank card and my own money. I need to say what I want the money for, show her the items I bought and also reciepts.

For some random reason when I was a child (maybe 6,7,8?) she told me my Nan (Dad’s mum) wants contact with me. My dad’s side of the family live a 6 hour journey away but I chose yes, I want to see them. My mum let me meet my Nan briefly but made many snide comments about hating her and contact dropped off. I WAS allowed to meet my aunts and uncles. And their children (my cousins). I could meet anyone I wanted as long as it wasn’t my Dad. And I was to never ask about him (at such a young age I was terrified to go against my mum’s wishes).

When I was 14 I started to ask about my Dad. My mum went cold and ignored me for a week straight then she got her friend to tell me he’s a loser who has no money and he only wants mine (umm, what money does a 14 year old have worth stealing?) They also said he’s a pervert and only wants contact me because I’m young. They said he has sexually assaulted my mum’s friend, my mum’s friend’s daughter and has attacked my mum.

I never saw or spoke to the family much. I only ever remained in contact with one aunt and her children. I was under the impression Dad re-married and had a wife and 3 kids. I contacted the girl on social media and considered her my sister. My mum was so angry and got someone to hack into my account, send my sister a load of abuse and blocked her.

When I was 18 (in 2008) we went to a big family party for my aunt (the first family event we had been to and we could only go because my Dad wasn’t there). My sister was there and it was the only time we’d ever met and she hid because she was terrified of ME.

Now I need to make this bit clear: I WASN’T HERE FOR THIS NEXT EVENT. This happened outside and I was inside at the bar. The one friend I took with me was with my mum. A cousin who my mum has always made it clear she hated and she tried to make me hate (“he stole your toys when you were 4” “his mother got him tickets to Disneyland and all you got was a photo album, isn’t that unfair?” and so many sly comments and looks) had attacked my mum. I got there as he pushed her up against a fence holding a glass bottle to her face and my cousins (his sisters and brother and our other cousins) were pulling him off of her and helping her. He claims she started it but she says she never said anything directly to his face. My friend confirmed this. Though my friend has since been caught out in many lies amd eventually blocked me. And my mum? Well she’s getting more aggressive. Example: She’ll go to a restaurant my friend owns and I temporarily worked at and demand freebies, refuse to pay and call him a tight fisted “see you N tea” and constantly tell other customers (even new ones who just walked in) how much she hated the food there. Eventually he banned her then banned me from working there, because of her behaviour. And (stupidly) it’s only recently I’ve started to think maybe my mum did cause the incident.

My mum’s been extremely paranoid about the incident. She was scared of him for years because he’s “loose” and “got away with it unpunished” (I have since found out he got over £1,000,fine! But for years she constantly told me they “couldn’t find the security footage” so “the whole family have tool his side and it’s a massive cover up and they’re all involved”). She absolutely forbid me to speak to any of the family at all.

The family continued to send me letters, wedding invitations, birthday cards. My mum would rip them up and it all eventually stopped. Around 5 years ago (so about 6 years after the incident) my cousin I was closest to and who helped pull her brother off of my mum added me on social media. I told my mum about it, lucky for me she’s not on social media but as I said, she has spies and I knew her reaction if she did find out. She told me I can do what I want but she won’t be happy. Then she told me to accept so we can spy on the family. So I added my cousin and as many names as I could remember from the family. Only a few accepted.

Only a few months ago a blank profile contacted me on social media with a phone number saying that’s my Dad’s. I’ve been too scared to phone it because if it got back to my mum I can’t even imagine. Also I have always feared he is dangerous because of what my mum and her friend have said. But it’s always confused me how he’s married and has other kids if he’s so “dangerous” One thing I’ve noticed is he is very rarely in family pictures. I must’ve come across around 2 in total. I stalked his children, the girl I think of as my sister. Her dad is not mine. Not the same face, not the same (first) name. She is my dad’s brother’s. She is my cousin. I’m not sure why my mum freaked out all those years ago when I spoke to her specifically. How is she different to my other cousins?!.

Now one of my cousins has spoke about coming down to visit me. I’d love to see her and I hope she has answers. The problem is she didn’t exactly ask. She just sort of said she is coming down to visit and has already booked the hotel and travel. The few people I trust to cover for me and not blab to my mum have all said it’s extremely important I meet her because she’ll have all the answers. I’ve also been encouraged to call my Dad. But I am so scared of my mum and her reaction. She is mentally and emotionally abusive and she gets physical, too. And if I do the slightest thing wrong she gets her friends, and their friends, and their kids to call and message me what an awful person I am (last time was “I forgot my sandwich, can we turn the car round” because how dare I be demanding and spoilt and MAKE my mum turn around etc etc) so I am too afraid to do something REALLY wrong.

I am so afraid of being caught out in a lie that I’ve been honest and told my mum my cousin is visiting. She thinks it’s an ambush. It’s revenge for all those years ago. She thinks I’ll go to meet one cousin and the whole family will be there waiting to attack me. Then she ignored me all night and when she spoke the next day she said I can only meet my cousin if I’m with her and she’s gonna punch my cousin before my cousin punches us. I don’t think my cousin is aggressive or after revenge because we are actually friends and speak all the time (mum doesn’t know this). (Example of my mum’s paranoia: I asked for some money to go on holiday. She gave it to me, my own and she made up what i cant afford. but kept saying the holiday is not going to happen. She still believes it didn’t. All the pictures of me on holiday? Photoshopped! She thinks I ran off with her money. Where did I go if not on holiday?).

I don’t think my cousin is aware of the beef because before she booked the hotel she asked to stay with us. I don’t want to explain about my mum yet as I dont want to put my cousin off coming. It’s so important that I meet her. But I also have no idea how I’m going to hide her! I don’t know how to start explaining to her.

Side note: I’ve had my mum seen to by doctors and she outright denies any mental health issues and refuses to take any meds because “nothing is wrong”

[inagetawaycarxo]

1-150 all of them. Every single one 😁

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

honestly can't remember, it was a girl though so... (we were friends arent anymore) 2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I pretend I'm outgoing but really I'm a shy bitch unless I get comfortable with you then I suppose I’m outgoing. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

my bed, cause I’m tired! kidding. 4. Are you easy to get along with?

depends but I'd like to say so unless you're a bitch to me then I will be a bitch back. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don’t get drunk anymore, lol I’m a lightweight, once I have one drink I’m tipsy. But if I do decide to get drunk then prob whoever I got drunk with, unless they get drunk, then my mum can take care of me. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Varies, as long as they have a kind heart and are funny. Also a sucker for accents and blue eyes & green, as well as brown. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nope. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Do celebs count or nah? if so then Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan + Tom Holland { not that anyone cares but we are the same age}. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

If it's with my mum then yeah, or family, anyone else it doesn't make me uncomfortable. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my mum. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

iPhone charging cables {lol}  12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Easier- 5sos

Last Hurrah-Bebe Rexha

R U Mine- Arctic Monkeys

Suckerz- Blackbear

Break up with girlfriend, I’m bored- Ariana Grande

Ain’t My Fault-Zara Larsson 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

definitely. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yep. 15. What good thing happened this summer?

nothing really. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

maybe, maybe not. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yep. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

nope, I honestly had cringy taste in crushes in primary school and high school. 19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yass..... 20. Do you like your neighbors?

nope, he a douchebag, and all the bad names in the book. 21. What are you bad habits?

going to bed late, rolling my eyes to much. 22. Where would you like to travel?

YES! 23. Do you have trust issues?

yes. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

I have no clue... 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach and thighs. 26. What do you do when you wake up?

whine about how tired I am and how I should go to bed earlier. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

in-between. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my mom. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

yep, and honestly I don't care it's their loss. 30. Do you ever want to get married?

it’s not really on my to-do list, but maybe. 31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan without a doubt.  33. Spell your name with your chin.

c lazire   (lol I did pretty well, except for the space and z ) 34. Do you play sports? What sports?

nope 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

nope. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I laugh nervously. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

*sighs* as long as they have blue or green or blue eyes, some sort of accent, are nice, funny, loyal, dreamy. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

book shops, clothes shops and those body shops (the ones you get body lotion and that from) and home decor shops, DVD shops. 40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m 22, I’ve finished high school a long time ago. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends, on what they have done. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

sad. 43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

can I say both, I’m going to say both. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

my dog literally jumps on my and barks at me. 46. What are you paranoid about?

a lot of things, someone kidnapping me, being stalked, weird creatures killing me, dying. 47. Have you ever been high?

Nah... 48. Have you ever been drunk?

yeah, plenty of times. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

not really. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

black and grey. 51. Ever wished you were someone else?

all the time. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

 I wish I had long legs tbh. 53. Favourite makeup brand?

nude. 54. Favourite store?

ally 55. Favourite blog?

on here or somewhere else,?  56. Favourite colour?

purple, blue, grey, pink, green. 57. Favourite food? 

pasta. 58. Last thing you ate?

raspberries. 59. First thing you ate this morning?

nothing, I don't eat in the morning. 60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Nah. 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nearly, but they found out it wasn't my fault, yet one teacher was a total bitch to me afterwards. 62. Been arrested? For what?

nope, I’m a good girl. 63. Ever been in love? 

yes, and it hurts. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

 it was on my thirteenth bday party and it was three guys, two of them were great the other one was sloppy and ew. 65. Are you hungry right now?

not really. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

yep. 67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter. 68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr. 69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nah. 70. Names of your bestfriends? 

do dogs count, if so then Max. 71. Craving something? What?

pancakes. 72. What colour are your towels?

pink, blue, neutral colours. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

four. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

no. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

four I think. 75. Favourite animal?

tigers. 76. What colour is your underwear?

grey, pink, and aqua. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

both. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookies & cream or strawberry. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

pink.

80. What colour pants?

pink, with stars. 81. Favourite tv show?

The Simpsons. 82. Favourite movie?

Captain America: The Winter Soldier. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Regina George. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory. 87. First person you talked to today?

My brother. 88. Last person you talked to today?

My brother. 89. Name a person you hate?

my neighbour. 90. Name a person you love?

everyone, except for people I dont like. 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Oh definitely. 92. In a fight with someone?

mostly just words. 93. How many sweatpants do you have?

 six 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

eight, I think. 95. Last movie you watched?

Avengers: Endgame. 96. Favourite actress?

Emilia Clarke 97. Favourite actor?

Chris Evans. 98. Do you tan a lot?

no, last time i tanned, i got badly sunburnt. 99. Have any pets?

Two dogs. 100. How are you feeling?

tired, sad, horny, unappreciated and annoyed. 101. Do you type fast?

yeah. 102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh, so many things. 103. Can you spell well?

sometimes. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah but no. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yep. 107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yes. 108. What should you be doing?

sleeping its 3AM SOMETHING 109. Is something irritating you right now?

yeah... 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes. 111. Do you have trust issues?

yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my mom. 113. What was your childhood nickname?

clairebear or mousey. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

no. 115. Do you play the Wii?

mostly the ps4 now. 116. Are you listening to music right now?

yas, some angsty songs, might do some song fics. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

never had it. 118. Do you like Chinese food?

yeah. 119. Favourite book?

Looking for Alaska - John Green 120. Are you afraid of the dark?

sometimes. 121. Are you mean?

 I try not to be. 122. Is cheating ever okay?

nope. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I’m a bit iffy on that, thats purely falling for looks, i mean sure they look hot but what if their personail;ty is shit, then their hottness just zeros down. 125. Do you believe in true love?

yeah. 126. Are you currently bored?

nah. 127. What makes you happy?

lots of things. puppies, kittens, animals, dragons, writing, reading, family and friends, you guys. 128. Would you change your name?

no. 129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra. 130. Do you like subway?

sometimes. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

just stare in shock for a long while, while trying to process it. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my mum. 133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Is it easier to stay? Is it easier to go? I don't wanna know, oh But I know that I'm never, ever gonna change And you know you don't want it any other way 134. Can you count to one million?

no. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I’m sick, I can't come. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

sometimes opened sometimes closed. 137. How tall are you?

5′5 138. Curly or Straight hair?

both. 139. Brunette or Blonde?

both. OMBRE. 140. Summer or Winter?

Summer, cause winter is cuddling season and I don't have a boo. 141. Night or Day?

both. 142. Favourite month?

October. 143. Are you a vegetarian?

used to be, might go back to being one. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

both. 145. Tea or Coffee?

neither. 146. Was today a good day?

not really. 147. Mars or Snickers?

both. 148. What’s your favourite quote?

it’s a bad day, not a bad life. 149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  

this? they were hers! she’d gathered them, hoarded them, maybe someday planned to pass them on to me.

[santafe1899-blog]

ykno what nvm answer all of them dickhead

fuck u 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

u

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoin

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

i see every1 i love p frequently tbh

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i reckon so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

yeah i trust em to (if they aint all drunk themselves)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

like 80% of the population

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

i reckon i got p good odds tbh

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

uhh helena cuz she just gave me a hug bless her

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

yes. deeply.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

u

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

‘love u mom’

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

choose any from this

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

f u c k   y e s

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

ehhhh idk not rly

15. What good thing happened this summer?

so much?? bfs?? top surgery??? its been a good summer

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

give me

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

al wouldnt be cuddling me rn if i didnt

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

i dont even remember his name

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i dont have them often but theyre cool

20. Do you like your neighbors?

yeah theyre chill

21. What are you bad habits?

o god so many. drinkin paint waters prolly the worst one

22. Where would you like to travel?

santa fe

23. Do you have trust issues?

uhh nah

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

talkin 2 the ppl i love

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

well itll b GONE in 5 days SOO

26. What do you do when you wake up?

go back 2 sleep

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

nah

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

the bfs

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

uhh nah

30. Do you ever want to get married?

howd that even work

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

we just tested n Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

there r so many options wtf…the richest 2

33. Spell your name with your chin.

mjnac mjk

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

soccer 4 lyfe (im a forward)

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

y would u ask me this

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

im shit at that tbh i always end up spillin. prolly my elementary school crush cuz i got over it in a week

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i usually awkward laugh

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

uhhh… im tryina think a the similarities btwn the bfs…uhh…nice smile

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

somewhere w food

40. What do you want to do after high school?

art

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

nope

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

m concentratin

43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes?

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outer space

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

food. promise a seein the bfs

46. What are you paranoid about?

uhhh losin people

47. Have you ever been high?

yep

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yep

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

dont think so

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

navy blu

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

yeahh

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i mean… appearance wise its already changin. but i reckon i cld prolly be less brash

53. Favourite makeup brand?

uhhhh idek know more than 2 makeup brands

54. Favourite store?

food

55. Favourite blog?

mine. uh jk like…the bfs? idk i only rly follow my friends n art blogs

56. Favourite colour?

blue

57. Favourite food?

mac n cheese

58. Last thing you ate?

a bagel

59. First thing you ate this morning?

pancakes

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i won like 10 art competitions in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

bein a little shit once

62. Been arrested? For what?

vandalism rip

63. Ever been in love?

yeah i am rn

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

wed been datin for a month. we kissed then we both laughed

65. Are you hungry right now?

when aint i

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

theyre the same

67. Facebook or Twitter?

uhh twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nah

70. Names of your bestfriends?

medda, crutchie, albo, spot, davey, kath

71. Craving something? What?

when isnt it mac n cheese

72. What colour are your towels?

like… a few diff ones

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

nah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

uhh like…1? i didnt get 2 bring my childhood ones n i aint the kinda person 2 collect em

75. Favourite animal?

dogs tbh

76. What colour is your underwear?

black rn

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookies n cream

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

blue

80. What colour pants?

grey

81. Favourite tv show?

b99

82. Favourite movie?

hot fuzz

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls??? obv??? mean girls 2 was shit we all know that

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

janis

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

nemo for sure

87. First person you talked to today?

crutchie

88. Last person you talked to today?

u

89. Name a person you hate?

u

90. Name a person you love?

you

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

yeah a lot

92. In a fight with someone?

not actively

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

too many (never too many)

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

prolly like..3

95. Last movie you watched?

spirit

96. Favourite actress?

m e d d a

97. Favourite actor?

idk a hot one

98. Do you tan a lot?

i tend 2 burn more

99. Have any pets?

theo

100. How are you feeling?

gay

101. Do you type fast?

moderately?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yeeeeah

103. Can you spell well?

im ok

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

fuck yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

uhh … yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah

108. What should you be doing?

payin attention 2 al

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yeah im hangin out w this rlly annoyin guy rn :/

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yeah.

111. Do you have trust issues?

not rly

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

uhh theo

113. What was your childhood nickname?

id rly rather Not

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah

115. Do you play the Wii?

i mean sometimes but we dont got one

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yeah we have a playlist on

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yeah

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yeah

119. Favourite book?

football

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

as much as like, ny1 is

121. Are you mean?

sometimes?

122. Is cheating ever okay?

absolutely not

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

nah, just lust

125. Do you believe in true love?

yeah

126. Are you currently bored?

nah

127. What makes you happy?

theo, paintin, the bfs, medda

128. Would you change your name?

been there done that

129. What your zodiac sign?

cancer

130. Do you like subway?

yeah sure

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

“we did this already”

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

al

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

tbh ‘cause I’m never going down, im never giving up, im never gonna leave, so put your hands up, if you like me, then say you like me.’ mean a lot rn

134. Can you count to one million?

i mean…probably?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“im straight”

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5’10”

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i got str8 hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette by majority rules

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

day

142. Favourite month?

july. 4 no reason…..

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

ughh tea if i have 2. just give me a red bull

146. Was today a good day?

yeah

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yeah sure

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Well – I don’ like sayin’ the name if I can help it. No one does.”