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softquietsteadylove · 9 months

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This Year

"Gil?"

"Oh," he looked up from sweeping the floor of the shop, still wearing his suit and everything. He sniffled and swiped at his nose, "h-hey."

Thena came into the shop, letting the door drift closed behind her. She also still had on the dress she had worn to the school formal, with her white coat unbuttoned over it. "We turned around and you were gone. What happened?"

"Uh," he tried to turn around, pretending to sweep more thoroughly. He hunched around the stick of the handle, "well...remember how I was gonna ask that girl?"

"I recall."

Thena didn't really like her, but when he had asked her if he should ask, she had given him her support anyway. Thena was a good friend, like that. All their friends were.

"Well," Gil sighed, finally setting down the broom and toying with the tie that was loosened but still hanging around his neck. He must have looked so stupid, "she never showed."

"She stood you up?"

"Wait!" he rushed out, knowing that if Thena got out the shop door, she was going to run to that girl's house and throttle her with her bare hands. "I-I mean, I dunno, maybe she had something come up. Maybe...maybe she had something more important to do."

Thena walked closer to him by the front counter. She crossed her arms at him, "nothing should be more important, if she's the right person."

Gil sighed again, not done with his pity party. He still had the stupid flower he was going to give her, too. "Guess she wasn't."

Thena softened, losing the hard edges to her severe expression. Everyone always said Thena was so scary looking, and maybe he could see it if she was pissed off. But he never thought of Thena like that; she was actually really sweet and considerate.

"Then she's not worth your tears."

He sniffled again, but Thena reached up and brushed some off his cheek for him. It wasn't like he had any reason to act like a tough guy around Thena, anyway. After spending all their lives together, it wasn't like she didn't know he cried at sappy movies and videos of puppies walking for the first time.

"And if I ever see her-"

"Hey," he chuckled, grasping her hands in his before she could start naming the litany of things she would do to his failed date. "Look, it doesn't matter, okay?"

She still had a face that made it seem like it very much did.

"I mean," he shrugged, "just 'cause she talks to me in math doesn't mean she wanted to go out with me. Guess I could have thought of that before asking her, but whatever."

"Gil," Thena started and then paused. She liked to choose her words carefully. She looked at him, tilting her head because after hitting middle school he was finally taller than her. "You don't need her."

He chuckled, "thanks."

"I'm not just saying that as your friend," Thena continued. It was more words than he was used to, from her. "You are kind, and sweet, and as far as I'm concerned you are the only boy I have ever known to have any sense."

He snorted, "c'mon, what about Kingo?--or Druig? Or your own brother?"

"Certainly not," she rolled her eyes before paving over his interruption. "You are the best person I know and...and I would hate to think that you wouldn't believe me."

He did feel like the best, when she put it that way. He sighed, just staring at her under the hum of the fluorescent lights of the shop. He always thought they were kinda depressing, like in apocalypse movies, giving a weird tint to people's skin at night.

But Thena always looked so beautiful.

Thena raised on her toes, in the low heels she was wearing to match her dress. For having said that she was only going because their mother said that she had to if Ikaris went - which was a very Ajak thing to say - she certainly hadn't been lazy about her outfit.

Gil closed his eyes, smelling her perfume as she pressed her lips to his. He forgot about the broom, his arms looping around her back as she slid hers around his neck. He had never kissed a girl. He had - secretly - been hoping that tonight would be his opportunity.

This was far, far better than he could have expected.

Thena pulled away, her eyes darting around, looking at him and wondering what he was thinking. She must've let Sersi and Makkari do her makeup because her eyelashes looked darker and longer than usual. "Gil?"

He blinked, still just staring at her. He felt like he was king of the world, though! Man, kissing was way better than everyone made it seem. He had thought surely it had been overhyped, but no, definitely not.

"Gil!"

The rest of their friends also piled into the shop, also looking haphazard with ruffled hair and half buttoned coats. Sersi came charging in first, her hair bouncing around her. Ikaris slid in right behind her, looking the most frustrated. Makkari and Druig followed in after.

"Are you okay?" Sersi asked, "last I checked you were waiting for your date. Next time I go for some punch no one has seen you and Thena's gone too."

"Uh," Gil blinked, as if time had paused and now he was no longer holding - and kissing - Thena, but now Sersi was talking to him and Thena had slid three feet away. "Y-Yeah."

"Yeah?" Ikaris repeated, obviously not the one most enthused to have left the party. He looked over at his sister, though. Despite the rule that if Ikaris went, she had to go, Ikaris was still her brother (annoying and somewhat overprotective). "What?"

"What?" she asked back, even more defensively.

"What's wrong?" he asked more directly, walking closer to her as if he could smell someone expressing interest in her.

"Gil, are you okay?" Sersi asked him much more sweetly (what she saw in Ikaris, none of them would ever know).

"I'm okay," he smiled, nodding at her. The sting that had him dragging his feet all the way home and in here had faded. It almost felt totally healed, actually. "I, uh, got stood up."

"What?!"

That bitch. Makkari shook her head, although Druig was clearly in agreement with her, even if he was too much of an old soul to ever call a girl a bitch.

"Look, it's okay guys, really," Gil again tried to dissuade his much more bloodthirsty friends (Thena, Druig and Kari). "I think it might have been a misunderstanding, actually."

"You're making excuses for her," Thena pursed her lips. Although, given what just happened, maybe her distaste of his date wasn't just disapproval. He raised his eyebrows at her and she rushed to look away from him.

"I drive you all and no one can close a single car door?" Kingo huffed at them as he finally joined their little pity-party. He looked at Gil over everyone else's heads, "you good, big guy?"

Gil snuck another look at Thena, who blushed faintly. He chuckled, "yeah, I'm a lot better, now."

"Good," Kingo let it suffice. He had his moments of deep emotional understanding, always peppered in between his usual need for attention. "So, what's the plan?"

Everyone looked at everyone else, standing around in Gil's uncle's shop attached to their home.

"Uh, hey!" Gil smiled, finally tugging his tie off completely. "Gramps only ran out to get some pizza and stuff. I was just gonna lock this place up anyway. You guys can come in and...hang out, if you want."

"Party at Gil's!"

He smiled, relieved that he hadn't spoiled the night for anyone. Makkari and Druig happily linked hands and went to the fridges to pick out drinks for everyone. And he knew they would have no problem ditching the formal dance, dates or not.

Ikaris gave his sister another glare, but they were equally stubborn, so there was no way he was going to get any answers from her here and now. He let Sersi drag him away by the arm to pick out sweets.

Sersi did lean back to whisper to Thena, "I assume you went through with it."

Thena swatted her away, as well as Kingo, who gave her a look that seemed between Sersi and Ikaris' levels of knowledge. She ducked her head.

Gil swayed in her direction as their friends helped themselves to the family shop. He felt pretty confident for a guy who had been stood up on his first official date a mere hour earlier.

"You didn't have to invite us to stay," she advised him, also swaying in her hesitation to choose a direction.

He shrugged, pulling just one hand out of his suit pants pocket. "Hey, we should have some fun tonight, right?"

Maybe surprised by his optimism, she smiled. "I suppose you're right."

"Uh," he started and looked around, losing some of that confidence again. Thena just looked so pretty, it was hard to think straight. "I-I guess this is kinda lame, but..."

She stared as he pulled out the flower he had gotten from behind the front counter. "You got her a rose?"

"Well, I wanted to get something," he shrugged, snapping off the long stem like it was nothing. He chuckled, "i actually picked the white one because...it reminded me of you."

Thena let him slip the budding rose into the bun binding her hair together. She stared up at him.

"Sorry," he blushed, slipping his hands into his pockets again. "I'll pick you something more special, next time."

She smiled, visibly resisting the urge to touch it now that it was settled in her hair. She looked towards their friends, already heading towards the back door that would lead through his garage and to the house. She tugged at his sleeve faintly, "it'll be perfect."

#Thenamesh AU #poor little Gil!#but listen he's such a sweetie #he's young and impulsive!#this girl talks to him everyday in class and he goes hey you wanna go to the winter formal together?#she kinda goes............sure #he tells Thena and she's like great I am so very happy for you #Sersi and Makkari are literally dying inside #so the night comes #Ikaris is going with Sersi and Ajak tells Thena she has to go too #what's the point of having twins if she can't tie them together when she needs a night to her herself?#and she also ships Thena and Gil but whatever #Thena sees Gil waiting outside for his date but goes in with their friends #but she's watching him #the whole time #she comes out of the bathroom and boom he's gone #she goes all the way to his house #sweet baby Gil bursting into the shop crying about his stood up date #Karun is like you wait here I'll get pizza I'll get snacks I'll let you have your first sip of beer young man!#he comes back and everyone is already having a great time #he - and everyone - notice the flower in Thena's hair #and he goes my work here is done

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ocularmacdown · 1 year

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my dtamhd thoughts? oh, why thank you for asking! yeah, i only have a few, but uhh- *drops a towering stack of papers in front of you on the desk*

i really, really liked this episode. maybe it’s because i wasn’t going into it with set expectations or hopes, maybe it’s because dennis is not my number one blorbo and so his development is more fascinating to me rather than a personal/emotional investment. either way, to me this episode was a fucking winner and i have so many thoughts that haven’t even formulated yet. the writing is incredibly well-paced, subtle enough that the twist is not immediately obvious, yet explicit enough that watching it a second time, the clues are right in front of you the whole time. it’s fucking clever, and for me personally, it does justice to dennis’s very specific brand of mental health issues/neurodiversities/trauma/etc etc.

first of all, i’ve seen people saying they’re disappointed, that they wanted to see dennis fall to his knees or scream himself hoarse or crawl into mac’s arms with his tail between his legs. but…,..like.,..i mean..,,,.he literally tore a man’s heart out of his chest? and then crushed it with so much force that it becomes a diamond? and then he ATE it? with blood running down his arms and the sun haloing him and the watch on his arm lit up red for “danger, you’re in danger, you’re a danger to yourself”? that is so explicit and so raw and so powerful. me personally i am chewing through concrete slabs.

he takes his heart - his core, his feelings, his very self - and controls it so fiercely, so violently, just so that it might be something of worth. something precious and valued and beautiful and rare. and what forms diamonds, pointed out in this exact episode? coal. objectively seen as cheap, and worthless, and nothing much at all. dennis’s heart is coal, to him. fuel to a fire of rage. so he tries to make it something better. not by nurturing it, tending to it like a garden.

instead he crushes it.

and then he eats it.

i don’t know what else you could want tbh.

i’ve also seen people say that it wasn’t an accurate depiction of mental health issues? i don’t even know what to say to that like. are you yourself dennis reynolds? are actually him, down to a T?? or are you a totally different person with different life experiences and brain functions and trauma and personality and expression of self?

characters are not made to reflect individual people and their experiences - they are separate from us, and us from them. we can look to them to find similarities, but they can only be as relatable to us as we are to everyone around us. this episode is quite literally an insight into the fact that actually, dennis doesn’t show his rage, or any of his feelings, and the way that he experiences his emotions is wholly and totally different from others. sure, he allows outbursts over minor things - sounds that irritate him, insults against his car, women as a concept, all the fucking apps - but nothing that really, truly matters. it’s about control. control, control, control. a grasp on his anger so so tight it’s a vacuum, a cavern of pressure.

maybe your experience of mental health is totally different to that, and i sympathise that not seeing yourself reflected on screen can be and is frustrating. but. if i may overshare a touch on tumblr dot com, oversharing central, then..,,..he just like me fr fr.

as someone who has never related to dennis reynolds at all in the history of the show and is different to him in every objective way, this episode got me. i felt seen. it’s not about mental health as huge outbursts that everyone sees and sympathises with, not all the time. it’s not about sadness or pain or misery, not all the time.

it can be about anger. anger as an emotion you can feel so intrinsically and powerfully. anger that you don’t understand and you shouldn’t be able to control because it’s so fucking strong. but you do you do you do. because you just have to. there’s no rational reason behind it; you’re just angry and you just don’t show it. not when it really matters, anyway. you have a moment of private catharsis, deep inside yourself, an upwelling of frustration and rage that feels like a day but you quench in seconds. and then you move on.

so yes, it’s an accurate depiction of mental health, and i’m not elaborating further than that. i imagine someone else *cough @sewerkingcharlie cough* could probably go into dennis’s psycho-demographic and history and how that effects his mental health far better than i ever could anyway.

me personally, i am. obsessed with the insane surrealist route they went down. expressions of deep emotional pain are only understandable via sobbing breakdowns if you have no critical media skills or appreciation of several major art movements of the last hundred years. once again, he tore out his heart and crushed it into something else with his own fist and then ate it.

looking at the journey the episode takes as a whole, it’s so so incredibly fucking clever. it’s set up as though it’s a journey narrative that will end with a big emotional expression a la mac finds his pride or the gang carries a corpse; it’s pretty much what we all expected, i think, to be able to observe dennis and his inner emotions at a closer range, from one side of a two way mirror.

but during that insane scene, we are actually allowed inside his head - not just an observation into his mind through the lens of spectatorship study, but into dennis’s broken perception of reality, from his point of view, intra-diegetic. we are inside his head looking at everything around us, trapped in the laboratory of his mind. is not the clean cut, easy-to-analyse narrative and visuals we saw before of dennis getting more and more frustrated until his breaking point; the world in his mind has twisted and deformed into one that no longer makes sense to us the spectator, but does make sense for him, for dennis.

mac and charlie were able to express their emotions outwardly with another person present. they were grounded in reality because that is how they experience emotions of that level and intensity. that is by no means to say that what they felt in those moments are is any less intense or extreme or soul crushing as dennis, only that they experience both their inner emotions and the world around them in different ways to him.

dennis internalises as much as he possibly can, pouring into himself rather than out. he can only hold so much, the pressure builds, his insides contort and shift to make room, he keeps pouring.

his innards no longer makes sense.

his feelings are physical, they’re his organs, and they’re worth something, worth so much, but they’re simultaneously just the food he consumes.

he consumes, he internalises, everything’s within him.

he was never going to have an emotional outburst. that’s not his catharsis; it would change him too much fundamentally.

everything channels inwards. it’s too much but at least it stays inside. even his breakdowns happen within. he keeps the lid of the pressure cooker on.

Dennis Does Not Take A Mental Health Day.

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alluralater · 4 months

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your new avatar AHHH i luv u <3

you are so sweet! it’s an old pic from like three or four months ago and i’ll be using it as a placeholder until i take some new hot ones. i have options currently but i have no clue which one to pick. i’d ask my cutiepie to choose but she is asleep and hopefully having the loveliest of dreams.

#asks #anons #allura.addressed💌#i miss her already. i barely even got to TEXT her today #i was only able to send her like 40 texts today and i’m DYING over those numbers. we talk a LOT. and with me being so busy today i figured i #could just call her which would have been amazing bc i get facetime fatigue like a mf.#her voice and her laugh and her smile are so soothing. i feel all my stress melt away with her and i was lowkey so sad that i didn’t get to #talk to her pretty much at all.#OMG AND I HAVE SNAPS THAT I DIDNT EVEN GET TO CHECK FROM HER??? KILL ME #this is truly sick and twisted. and i started telling my sisters about her and i got interrupted four times so i just left it. but i was #looking forward to that as well which did not get to happen so boo. throwing sad tomatoes.#i’m gonna listen to her voice notes and watch her videos and look at her beautiful face until i feel better (it’s gonna be instant ofc)#i started talking about how i was falling in love with her and about what she’s like and the fact that my little sister kept talking over me #wouldn’t usually be so bothering bc she’s like that but in this case i felt SO unheard. i am saying i am falling in love with the most #lovely woman i have ever met and— ugh it was tragic for my heart. my older sister was really excited though from what i was able to mention #to her separately just before my younger sister hopped on.#my older sister is 27 and my younger sister is 24 so there’s really not much gap between us btw which is why it was so rude like— bro HELLO!#anyways yes so back to the point (i’m so sleepy) i need a new avatar and i don’t know what to pickkkk

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iwoulddieforienzo · 8 months

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Something that makes reading TOA so devastating is how fucking much Apollo feels about Everything. There’s so MUCH. Like I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t read the books yourself. He has so many complicated thoughts and emotions about just about everything and he cares about everything so much and there is just SO MUCH going on in his head. And yet none of it ever reaches his mouth!!

He almost never says what he’s feeling. What little comes out of his mouth about his thoughts barely even scratches the surface of what he actually means. Like he’ll be having a long ass monologue about how incredible someone is, showing a deep understanding of them as a person and empathizing with them so hard you’d almost think it’s projection but it’s not he’s legitimately just mind melding with this random person he met like a week ago and he’s thinking the softest, kindest thoughts about them like he knows they’re fucking incredible - and what comes out of his mouth is just like, “you’re a wonderful friend :)” AND ITS LIKE. THERES SO MUCH MORE UNDER THE SURFACE. the sheer admiration and adoration he has for everyone around him……… UGHHH!!! But he never VOICES ANY OF IT!!!!!! He never tells anyone about what Zeus did to him……. He never tells anyone except the reader about his realization that Zeus is abusive…. He never even tells commodus about how much he adored him, not then and not now… he refuses to tell anyone when he’s in pain or tries to justify the things he does when he actually had Decent Reasons for why he did something… I’m. I’M. AUGH. AHHHHH

HE DOESN’T EVEN TELL US ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS IS THE THING. THERES EVEN MORE THAT HE IS NOT TELLING US!!!!! THE FUCKING OCEAN OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS HE HAS ABOUT EVERYTHING IS THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION. I AM IN DISTRESS.

And YET…. Even what slips out of his mouth is so fucking devastating it is SO devastating. He’s so fucking kind and gentle with Harley and Meg and and other younger Demis and his kids… he’ll act like an obstinate idiot and then turn around say something that drags the core of the person he’s talking to into the light like nail on the fucking HEAD like he reached into their soul and gave them the words to express something that they were struggling to say aloud or that they didn’t even realize about themself. Around the 2nd book he starts putting voice to some of his feelings and thoughts about others and even that tiny fucking sliver is overwhelming to the people he’s talking to bc he’s SO. AUGHHHH

#this is why ‘reading the TOA books’ fics fucking slap btw. because as embarrassing as his thoughts can be #so many of them are just incoherent screaming about how he loves everyone around him. devastating #like imagine helping out ur loser deadbeat dad who you don’t really know much about bc he’s flighty and hard to read #and finding out ‘wow he cares about us a lot more than I thought’#bc he literally almost dies to save you/your siblings and keeps following you all around everywhere #but he’s still like. your weirdo absentee dad. u don’t know hardly anything new about him other than an apparent suicidal streak #and then u find out that the whole time he was whining about chicken nuggets or whatever he was internally sobbing abt how much he loves u #and every time u were nearby he was going ‘MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY… JUST AS INCREDIBLE AS THEIR MORTAL PARENT!!!! BEAUTIFUL LIKE THE SUN!#HOW DID I EVEN MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY. UNREAL. THEY CANT BE MINE!? BUT THEY ARE!!! LOOK AT THEMMM!!?!!! IM SO PROUD……#my beautiful perfect angels… all of their parents best traits and none of our worst…. I am Barely restraining myself from sobbing #i would give u the WORLD if my father wouldn’t kill me for it :(‘#and it’s like. wow. okay dad. um. would have been nice to know that when we were all dying in The War #Please Hug Me Though.#imagine being a Random Ass Demigod who didn’t go on a big special quest or something like you are literally just Some Guy #and finding out that this weirdo loser god u gave a sandwhich to or something thinks you are so fucking cool #your own parent doesn’t know ur name but Apollo knows u on sight and read ur soul within the 2 seconds yall talked and he thinks you rock #how are you supposed to respond to that.#snack time #toa #longpost

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