#i am constantly masking in public. every moment of every day

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

honestly even if i did date i think i would have to date people with worse mental problems than me

[natandacat]

Theres no words that can describe the complete alienation of having severe long covid. One infection, caused directly by political decisions to remove public measures, and i cant walk. Can't stand except on really good days which are getting rarer. Sitting is a privilege i dont always have. Cognitive work is too much of a risk to consider for the moment. I live in constant fear of going back to being utterly bed ridden in the sense that i cant even feed myself, drink water, speak, move my limbs beyong my fingers and toes. For days and days without relief.

Nothing feels real. Every gain can be lost in a literal second. And on top of this, the fear of reinfection. The very real possibility of death, given how weak a single infection has made me when I was healthy and young. The even more real possibility of a worsened state, where there are no good days. That means death, too. If i am constantly in a state where I cannot move, i am going to have to resort to euthanasia because it is not a bearable existence. I can barely tolerate it when it know it will end. Last time was 14 days and I am still so traumatized by it 2 months later nothing feels real.

And on top of that, i am being told that my life doesnt matter. Covid is not a real concern. Let it fester. Even if the stairs in my building didnt lock me in, all public spaces have become lethal to me. I cant see my friends because they cant avoid exposure when theres a wave. To love me, you must live in a horrific world where no matter how many precautions you take, no matter how much they ostracize you, you might still cause my death.

Covid is a privileged issue they say. Im not even in the room for it bc i cannot be in the room. You can move your body, youre not afraid of death, you havent lost everything that makes you *you*, but im the privileged one. I cant even emote the way i used to. If i get too excited, too happy, i cant move. I talked to countless people who cant work anymore, are losing their jobs their houses their partners their immigration permits but no. Covid doesnt matter. I dont matter. Everyone cheered when i got covid bc they got to party for new years eve. I hope it was a good party. I will never agree that it was worth my life.

For the past 2 years ive had to share classrooms with students and professors who know everything about my story, who have seen how disabled i am by long covid, who ive begged to mask. They all refuse to mask. And i have to sit there and pretend its not a cosmical level farce that theyre talking about social justice and ethics and just what good people they all are. Not to mention that most of them have revealed themselves to be zionists. I have to sit next to an iof soldier and act as if its ok that she gets to sit in this classroom, except im not even sitting in the room because cases are too high and im too weak to be there physically anyway, so im on zoom. At least i get to remove my earbuds when she speaks so i dont have to think about the atrocities she has committed.

[disabled-diva]

OCD and being physically disabled

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, better known as OCD, has plagued my life for as long as I can remember. I never thought much of it because everyone would just say I was an “overthinker,” that's that. I could never stop thinking; my brain was in overdrive at every waking moment. Because of my childhood, I focus on “being a good person.” In my mind, because I had a disability, I had to make up for it in my personality. I was such a people pleaser in a specific way. I would go above and beyond to ensure my friends had everything they needed, even if it would negatively impact my life. I cared so much about what my loved ones thought of me. I started doing makeup at around 16, leading to a nasty, beautiful pipeline. I became hyper focused on whether I looked good, if I smelled, if my walking was too weird, or if my outfit complimented my body well. I would take several hours to get ready and go to Target with my friends because I needed to feel like I was one of them. Doing my makeup almost felt like a mask I could wear. It felt like the only way to humanize myself in a crowd of people who do not see me as human. I would constantly ask them for reassurance, ensuring I had their approval. Everything about my physical appearance had to be perfect, from how soft my skin was to whether there was a wrinkle on my top. I could not leave the house until I felt I looked perfect. When I was learning the basics of makeup, I would spend multiple hours every day for months on end just practicing my eyeliner and eyebrows. I had to perfect it to my liking (even if I wasn't going anywhere), or I would have the most insane outburst. I could not be interrupted in this process because their presence made me feel like they ruined my makeup entirely.

Regarding my health, if I had a medical issue, I would immediately fixate on how it would affect me for the rest of my life. Since my disability is degenerative, I convince myself that my random nausea is going to make me throw up so much that I will become dehydrated and die. I have a mild case of my disorder. Fortunately, my body typically reacts well to illnesses, but that does not stop me from spiraling. I convince myself that everything happening to me is my fault, and I must find a way to fix it. Typically, there is no fix, and I reassure myself I am on my deathbed. In the back of my head, I think I am trying to find a cure for my disability, even though I know there isn't one.

My walking is a big contender for my OCD as well. Because of my disability, I walk side-to-side, almost like waddling. In public spaces, people stare at me without regard for my feelings. I know I am only a stranger to them, but the least an abled body person can do is respect me. I have been fixated on my walking because of this for as long as I can remember. For the first twenty years of my life, it made me physically sick to my stomach to watch myself walk. If I were around people I wanted to impress, I would try to hide my impairment as much as possible. I hated how, most of the time, people’s first impression of me was my walking. That drove me up the wall my whole teenage life. I didn’t start actively dating until I was around 18 because of how much my walking would eat me alive. I honestly had convinced myself that it was the only thing that mattered about me. Every time I met someone new I obsessed about what they think of my walking. 

Not until recently did I discover this was all part of my OCD. I did not know there was a term to describe my feelings. No longer was I labeled with having “intense anxiety,” but I had a diagnosis of my problems. Therapy and psychiatric medications have assisted me tremendously. I now know how to properly self-soothe and realize when I am having another obsession or compulsion. Beforehand, it felt like the thoughts would never end, and I am delighted and fortunate to have received this help.

[wirewitchviolet]

A Teachable Moment

So I hopped into some freshly minted Discord server, maybe a month ago, and the norms of it still haven't settled into place. It's open to the public and focused on a game, so there's a bit of a mixed crowd, let's say, and prior to the incident I'm setting up the backstory for, there hasn't really been a test of their ability to moderate their damn public spaces.

Also when I say there's a mixed crowd I mean there's both a good number of trans women (because if you are making a deep game for a niche audience, we're gonna make up a shockingly high percentage of that audience every time), and a few right-wing extremists doing their best to "hide their power levels" (because if you create and promote literally any sort of social space, they WILL show up to test for whether local conditions are suitable enough to build a nest). In the early days of things they mostly kept their masks on aside from using the nazi frog as a reaction image to things (which IS something everyone should have a zero tolerance policy towards, but I feel like I need to know someone fairly well before I can explain that one), and their eyes lighting up when they see the server rules include "no politics" (a perfectly fine policy to have but you need to understand that if you post it you WILL have to constantly ban nazis who think you're using "politics" like they do- a euphemism for all the people they want dead).

Anyway, there's a few people on my radar here, but everyone's been civil enough, and it's a pretty relaxed vibe. Pretty quiet. Mostly just icebreaker talk. The most prolific poster is this one guy who saw there was a pet photo channel and just kinda sat down and made a point of posting several images a day to it, of a particularly uncommon sort of cute pet. Naturally this lead some people to ask some follow-up questions about whether these are his and how long he's had them, and this yielded the pretty damn weird in retrospect response that no, he has no pets at all, but would like one of these some day.

Now, this isn't at all the main thrust of this, and I wouldn't like, start keeping vigil for this as a sign of troublemakers, but a thing that undercover bigots do all the time as can be seen here is set up in a community and just kinda spam harmless generic platitudes and such to try and establish themselves as a known chill person. This goes double for anywhere that has a general public/trusted community members split. Never just go by "well he seems pretty chill" for giving people access to more private spaces, they can wait as long as they need, generally, as long as they don't have to improvise a normal person response to a situation where bigotry is in play.

Anyway, getting to the main event, a few days ago in this server, someone posted some cute little comic which... you know let me just find it.

Clever little subversion there. Got a polite chuckle out of the bulk of those paying attention, but seeing a nice wholesome bit of trans positivity incensed pet-poster guy, who immediately shouts "I've seen another version of that comic!" and posts a variation I am absolutely not going to share where the girl in the last panel is dead.

That is as clear cut of a do not pass go, do not collect $200, ban that piece of garbage permanently without a word and delete the post as soon as you can before anyone has to see that sort of hate directed at them offense in absolutely any community. Even moreso in this case as in the time it took a moderator to notice, this creep was going full mask off and responding to everyone's horrified reactions with grotesque anti-trans propaganda of a particularly hardcore "my other hangouts have openly posted swastikas" variety.

Here, people did delete the profoundly offensive comic, but then, to be blunt, otherwise handled this like a kindergarten teacher seeing a kid grab the blocks another kid was playing with and just nonchalantly explaining some basic manners. First off, nobody goes that hard on hate speech accidentally, and more importantly, showing a lack of willingness to dole out any real consequences for such an open act of hate has an emboldening effect. Sure enough the other sleeper agents present jumped up to try and push things farther, encouraging them to also remove the comic above, ban any mention of trans people, and jump the gun with prepared responses that don't work in context (you call everyone you don't like a nazi! Both sides are wrong! etc.).

I came pretty close to just quitting the server on response to that, but stuck it out a bit to double check if this wasn't just one particularly green mod trying to put the fire out before double checking if that's ban worthy when someone else was awake, or if I needed to explain the code-talk in the following conversation, or hell, if they just need more mods. I'm decidedly overqualified for that sort of thing.

Anyway, moderation policy handled that poorly... and to be clear, I'm not pinning that on any one person, basically everyone who ends up in a position of authority has a gut instinct to moderate as laxly as possible and needs some real training, reading, or tragic experience to learn how vital a firm swift hand is if you don't want people like this to show up and drive everyone else away. Especially not going to put this on the one green volunteer awake at 4 AM or whatever.

Still, the ball was dropped here, and I was pleasantly surprised to see how the rest of the community stepped up to hold their ground. Over the next couple of days, people just started casually dropping every cute trans positive thing they had handy in there, agreeing with each other that it was all nice and sweet. This both reestablished that chat as a relatively safe place to exist with a kind general vibe, and really got under the skin of these mask off nazis who started throwing tantrums. Apparently they just started privately messaging the mods to flag every single wholesome little image or comic as offensive to the point where people higher up the food chain came in, did some more serious reprimanding, and added an explicit policy against transphobia to their TOS... and threatened to ban these people if they pull this crap again.

Now, that increased firmness plus the community in general making it pretty damn clear they don't tolerate hate does seem to have scared the bigots into hiding (the one guy made this pathetic desperate effort to retake power by threatening to stop posting the animal pictures... that he's just pulling out of an image search, it was pretty funny), but... they're still there. The people they were threatening both broadly and as specific individuals still have to be careful not to share anything these scumbags can screencap and weaponize against them, and I'm sure at some time in the future when it's clear there's no mods awake they're going to pipe back up to do as much damage as they can in a blaze of glory if spying on all the queer people doesn't pay out for them, so while it is nice to see how just actively rejecting this sort of ideology can at least temporarily shut this crap down even without people in authority taking real action, I want to reiterate what responsibilities those in authority are neglecting here.

As a moderator of literally any sort of space, your basic duties are to keep things safe and to keep things civil. Those are two separate duties. Don't ever try and merge them together, and don't ever forget that safety must always take priority over civility.

If you see a situation where people are just getting randomly heated and angry over something inconsequential (happens a lot), yes, by all means, try to just deescalate things by stepping through just taking a stern tone, formal warnings, timeouts, 3 strike rules, temporary bans, etc. These are situations where we can hope that people who otherwise get along just let their emotions get out of hand and will hopefully shake hands and make up after having some time to cool off.

If on the other hand you see a situation where someone is threatening/antagonizing/intimidating someone else, especially in a case like this where the reason is transparently that the offender is a bigot who genuinely wishes harm or death on the target, there are no steps to escalate through. You remove the dangerous person from the community immediately, no exceptions, no warnings, no escalating response scale. That nazi posting crap about trans women in nooses, Jews in ovens, black people holding spears, women being raped etc. is not a friend having a rough day. There can be no reconcilliation no matter how much time you give. You just have a predator here to whittle your community down, and a vulnerable person who needs you to reassure them that they are safe in your community. The only option that should be on the table is the permanent zero appeals ban, and you should have no hesitation in deploying it.

Oh and here's the part where I remember that I am going to lose my home by the end of the year if I don't ask people to throw more money at me (this is a link). I hate doing this, but my other options for income went up in flames so completely I don't even know how to start to rebuild.

[zuzsenpai]

Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating” or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

[msbutterfly5294]

< A DAY IN THE LIFE of the day >

A Day In The Life Of : A Schizoaffective Human

Context : Yesterday , my love went back home after visiting my hometown ( where I currently reside ) after about eight years of us talking about him visiting . He came up for my little sister’s b-day and week him stay a bit longer afterwards . Since we are long distance , it’s deeply depressing when we part ways . Also , my employer knows of my mental health condition . And , an important note , I am known as a hooman that never takes off their headphones and plays music at full volume , so it’s hard to hear things from time to time but I do turn them off every now and again .

Today was excruciatingly slow and heavy . I think the depression has wrapped me up and let my inner self rest as I have mainly been on autopilot most of the day . Every time I open discord I always say out loud something negative about myself , I feel bad about not interacting with any of the communities I’m in nor created . A long pass friend had contacted me on discord as well , which I think about texting the communities and her as well every single day but can’t find courage to do so , especially after being occupied for a few days . But. . .

While at work for the “ first ” time after my days off , I noticed that I am “ double-booking ” ( belief in delusions yet have moments or are constantly clear-minded / aware of my delusions ) because whenever I go into public , I need to wear a mask and a hat to cover my face . This delusion is one of believing strangers are infected with nightmares ( this can be explained later in another post depending on the circumstances of how much engagement I get on this post ) and I cannot touch them as I will be infected too .

All ya need to know is that people are infected with nightmares and it can infect another through touch , an immediate threat personally . I can’t look at strangers directly in the eyes either , even friends and family unless I fully trust them .

So. . . Today , as a cook at a gas station , I was taking food out to the hot food case and there is an elderly couple looking at the hot food case . I forgot my hat and mask , so I only had one of those plastic / paper mask that ya get in hospitals . I kept my eyes away and put away the food . The man , bless his heart , he taps my shoulder and I freak out . I basically throw the food into the hot food case and run away .

I will try to sleep tonight , but I don’t want to die. . . I don’t want anything bad to happen .

[musicaldaydreams]

Gonna be a little bit of venting/covid talk under the cut. ^^; I just need to get this out into the world. And maybe there's an off chance someone sees this who knows more than me. (TLDR if anyone knows of updated information on Covid that is neither "sweeping it under the rug" nor "everyone is doomed forever" please throw it at me.)

There's not any easily-accessible information that's kept up to date anymore and it's kind of killing me. I hear some doctors (mine) say "It's still not something you want to catch, but symptoms are generally milder and the risk of serious complications is low. It's acting very much like a flu these days" and I hear other doctors saying "If you catch it even once, even mildly, your body is severely messed up, and we don't know yet whether it's for life or not. It's a plague and anyone who catches it is a ticking time bomb for serious complications afterwards." And I don't know what to believe, how scared I need to be, so I just default to "terrified, all the time". (Existing health OCD meshes so well with it. >.<) Especially since I had it back in October (a mild case, I think) I'm just constantly on ultra-high-alert. If my sinuses are a bit irritated, or my face feels warm, or i get a slight headache, I'll have a huge anxiety attack. If a muscle hurts a bit I worry it's a blood clot and have a huge anxiety attack. I cross stores to avoid passing someone in an aisle, and if I can't, I hold my breath and get very anxious.If someone coughs in earshot of me, every muscle in my body tenses up and I feel sick. I always wear an N95 mask and socially distance in public, but the lack of information means I'm just constantly 2 seconds away from breaking down in severe panic at any moment. I don't know how likely I am to catch it again before I can get my next vaccine (3 months from now, apparently. It's terrifying.) I don't know how much danger different groups are in. My risk evaluation skills are completely broken and I'm pretty sure I'm more terrified/paranoid now than i was even at the beginning of the pandemic. At least then I knew what was going on.

[chesthighwater]

(character ask thing)

I thought everyone would ask you about Martin...... But if no one does, then I will. :^)

First impression: (havelock describes him as a brilliant tactician/strategist/what have you) oh No. no no no no. that sounds like exactly the character archetype i am into and i REFUSE. i will NOT like this guy purely because hes all tactical and smart. get thee behind me not today satan i rebuke you (sees him chained up in the stocks and being smarmy about bad circulation and mittens and What A Sight You Are In That Mask) FUCK (sees him being all silver tongued and schemey and contemplating maps) FUCK!!!!

Impression now: oh he is everything to me. i project every single thing that has ever been wrong with me onto this man. i stuff him with issues like a piñata. cunning bastard. disgustingly self-serving, always five steps ahead for nothing but his own benefit until he gets a little too comfortable and stumbles. hubris hubris hubris. he loves to fucking push it, doesn't he? he can't take the middle road. he can't be a regular overseer, oh no he has to aim for ascension and at the same time think he can afford to break public enemy nr 1 out of prison and dabble with heresy and high treason. constantly pushing it. i mean that's one of my favourite things about him. and layers upon layers of deceit. master manipulator, charming in a quiet way. not flashy, just convincing. and i rotate him in my head at all times at varying speeds and angles

Favorite moment: his entire existence. ok. every day in-game id go talk to that guy until i exhausted the dialogue options. He<3. but a moment i do particularly like is his altercation with pendleton- he's very clearly holding back At All Times and this is one of those moments (well, the only moment) we get to see him actually not subdue his anger (arent you tired of lying to randos in order to manipulate them dont you just want to go apeshit). i love the fact that he was the one who orchestrated both corvos prison break and corvos tragically failed murder. ALSO I MEAN the kingsparrow confrontation is such a memorable moment bc of all the ways it can end!!! in my first playthrough i made sure to save martin by sleepdarting him and was very disappointed that that doesnt give the "target neutralised" thing. LET ME SAVE HIM

Idea for a story: (points at my 25 page ideas folder where Every Single One is about him and laughs) i have ideas upon ideas. i have ideas no other human being would care to see. and if you talk to me about martin i WILL inevitably tell you about them

Unpopular opinion: i guess being this much of a martin enjoyer is unpopular in and of itself? :'D but i guess. i do push his negative characteristics very hard- i don't interpret him very generously, i suppose, in ways that other people sometimes do. and i guess: he's not at all particularly contradictory or cognitively dissonant he just lies a lot

Favorite relationship: ♡daudmartin♡ as per usual

Favorite headcanon: my martin headcanons could fill a book, or perhaps several, but here is one i go particularly feral for. he's smart and cunning and all of that, yes, but he knows he's smart. he firmly believes it, is incredibly confident about it, and that right there is his downfall. constantly. he underestimates others, even people he knows he should be very careful with, and gets way too comfortable thinking he can totally manage no matter what. (and this is why i love putting him in situations where that is Not the case and he cannot in fact manage) [and i had to stop myself here before i delved into YET ANOTHER headcanon]

ask me about characters if you'd like <3

[xxxcastielx]

It's so very terrible this is the experience so many have to walk away with. What horrible memories!

In the off chance someone is struggling and happens to read this and regress further into their depression, masking, and isolation, I wanted to share my own experience with unmasking and how it affected my life. Do not assume this is your inherent outcome like I did, because it isn't. Also protect yourself, if what they said makes more sense to you, then it makes more sense to you.

Anyways, I was nonverbal growing up and still have moments where I cannot speak. Part of that is just how our lives work, the way I learned speech was different and some people cannot and all of that is fine! Other forms of communication exist and the people you need in your life will be willing to work with you as you grow and meet more people (and you will, one day, trust me I understand that can be hard to envision, but there are so many years ahead of you and everything could change in just a moment. You just need time to get to that moment)

So much of the despair I thought was an unchangeable fact of my life was informed both from past experiences and the perceptions I formed about myself and my future based on that. I sure did think it was my reality, but it just wasn't, happiness was possible and here I am. But I only got here THROUGH unmasking.

And this is not the kind of thing that takes months, but years and truthfully it could take a decade or more to FULLY get there. Change is often gradual and slower than you'd imagine. I started making myself unmask at ~16 after a particularly bad mental break from FORCING myself to adhere to neurotypical standards for years. That's also what worries me about someone genuinely taking this advice; masking actively made me crave release and at that point in time, the only way I could think of getting that release was through death. Because my brain was too damn fried from the stress and depression to be able to branch into other, less obvious paths. The true answer was release was unmasking.

And it started slow. The first three years, I was still constantly and consistently in a state of suicidal dissociation. I do mean constant, every second of every day for years, perhaps some reading this can relate. I didn't stop dissociating constantly till I was ~19 (though it still happens, but it is more so when I'm stressed than a constant I live with). I would have anxiety attacks any time I was in public. Depression made it impossible to complete day-to-day tasks. At around ~21 I was finally comfortable enough with myself I could get my vocal chords to produce speech in most settings, because I was no longer constantly on the brink of meltdown. And I was so very positive that I, because I was so "SeLf AwArE", was correct in my idea that this would always be my life. I had spent so long listening to others imply or state my worthlessness and incompetence that I bought it, like so many of us on the spectrum. You have been fed this idea, it is inspired by your past experiences, and it is wrong.

Also, importantly, I found that through unmasking I enhanced relationships, not ruined them. Because when I was trying so very hard to be "normal" it was very hard for me to piece together sentences. Because it wasn't a natural, free flow of words, in fact, my head would feel entirely empty when I tried and then the anxiety attack would start. And then I'd start sweating and my voice would waver and it would keep snow balling, till everyone around me was picking up on it, making my anxiety even worse. Maybe not at first, when I was only "weird" and my voice was still shaky. I experienced what this person described, people really did treat me worse those first few years as I found my footing. One suicide attempt because of what I heard others saying about me, then me spiralling and telling myself this would ALWAYS be my reality, it always had, so why would it change? God I was wrong, everything is different now. Every fucking thing.

I kept breaking it down over the years, and now, fully comfortable in who I am and much more aware of what I've lived through and the world that shaped me and the others around me, I can say the exact opposite. People like me, a lot. Turns out that neurotypicals perceive "weird" as "unique" when you're a more comfortable person. Words flow more smoothly and you'll find yourself developing your own way of talking, one that is more intricate. You know you have interesting observations, you're just afraid of what might happen if you say them wrong, but as you unmask, every single thing becomes so much easier. Not just social stuff, like life becomes easier to manage, stress is easier to handle, meltdowns are way less scary and world-shattering. Even if you as an individual don't find yourself speaking differently, in my unmasking journey, I also found that it turns out you really don't care what others think of you when depression is no longer clouding each of your thoughts. Like, one day, I kind of just stopped caring. Because I was finally well enough I just focused on other things without thinking about it, I wasn't even aware at first. It was like, wow, it's been a while since I've been self conscious.

One last thing to add. As a child, up until about 7 or 8, I was so carefree, witty, and bubbly. Natural; it was before anybody ever told me I was lesser, so I had no reason to believe I should be any other way. In my preteen and teen years, I lost myself. Colors went dark as depression changed the literal way I SAW the world, dissociation kicked in, and I was incredibly on edge. And dead, I felt dead, like I was going through the motions and not really feeling or remembering anything. Lately though, I feel finally found myself. This, the person I am now, is who I would have become had that child version of myself never changed. And that's why I'm so incredibly happy, I am finally me again. So few ever find their true selves once they lose them. So few neurodivergent folks especially, how many of us end up a statistic? How many of us end up a statistic BECAUSE we feel so dead when we force ourselves to live by others expectations?

Please consider unmasking.

PSA For Neurodivergents

Don’t unmask. It’s not worth it. It destroys every kind of relationship you can form. If you think you’re safe, you’re not. Once they see you without your masking, they’ll never see you as they did before. You’re not the same to them anymore. Those who say they accept you will use it against you later. Everyone runs out of patience eventually. Normally, I would say to wear your weirdness with pride, but the world is cruel and people are intolerant. Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t unmask to neurotypicals.

[littlest-dark-age]

Damiano david headcannons

Tagging @daddydamiano @noshame-bb @mywritingonlyfans

Translations 1, my soul 2, angel 3, my love 4, my life 5, little star 6, puppy 7, bunny 8, sweetness. Please let me know if any translation is incorrect.

Damiano would always be pressing kisses into your soft skin, wherever he could reach at the moment. The two of you are cooking and you have a huge sleep shirt on that reveals your shoulders? Kiss. You're fiddling with his hands out in public due to nerves? He's kissing every finger while looking you in the eye with a grin. You'd think he's convinced its a carnal sin to not kiss you every five minutes

He would beg you to do his makeup, constantly. He loves the intimacy of it, you usually sit on his lap for it and the way you gently cup his strong jaw turns him into an absolute puddle. You lose count of how many times you have to make him look back at you because he just wants to close his eyes and sink into the warmth you radiate. But you can't be mad at him, not when he looks up at you with those puppy dog eyes, shining with love.

Damia would absolutely give you one of his rings, and if it doesn't fit your fingers, no worries. He'll just give you one of his chains to put it on. He loves to kiss it when you wear it, whether it be on the chain or your hand. It always makes his heart skip a beat, a claim to the world that he was the lucky one to capture your affections

Please play with his hair, please. He will turn into a puppy the minute your nails graze his scalp. It doesn't matter the length, he loves it. His eyes slowly shut as you scratch at the shaved sides but he'll deny that he's about to fall asleep. 

Spa nights. Just, spa nights. He will let you put the cute animal headbands on him to keep his hair out of his mask, even letting you put it on him. Dami would love to watch movies like Legally Blonde and Clueless while you paint his nails and the glittery mask on his face dries. Never wearing a shirt, saying he wants skin to skin with you as he raises your shirt up to your chest so the two of you are pressed together. He'd sit on the floor, letting you work the hair mask through his hair as the first movie goes off and he starts to hunt for another, one of his hands stroking your bare leg.

Sleepy make out sessions are his favorite, after he's had his tea and the two of you are dead tired but can't stop. Even going as far to tell you that the two of you really should go to bed, as he's sweetly kissing you. There's no rush to it, no need to hide away your love as it's just the two of you. Locked away from the rest of the world, where damiano david is just yours. Where his nose keeps bumping yours just so he can hear you laugh and have you rub your own against his, like a bunny. His hands snaking up the back of your shirt to stroke down the length of your spine with the tips of his fingers. Barely enough for you to be able to feel it. 

If you were okay with it, he would absolutely want to tattoo you. He would never pressure you to if you really didn't but he would try to convince you if you were on the fence about it. If you let him pick, good luck. It would either be something like 'i am yours', which he would get a matching one. Probably around his heart. Or it would be something for måneskin. To have something he worked so hard on, permanently on someone he loves so so much would have him ecstatic. 

The pet names. They're never ending and ever changing. He says he can't help it and that he just says what comes to mind when he sees you. Whether that's anima mia 1, angelo 2, amore mio 3, vita mia 4, stellina 5, cucciolo 6, leprotta 7, or dolcezza 8. You never know which one to expect but they all bring a smile to your face, nevertheless. 

Damiano would always ask your opinion on his stage outfits, not really for reassurance but more so to involve you in every possible thing he can. He loves your input and always takes it into consideration. And you help him remember some things, like something might make him too hot or might restrict his movements on stage. The practical things he doesn't always think about, more focused on the look and aesthetic of it. 

Pictures, pictures and more pictures. He loves taking pictures of you doing the smallest of tasks, especially for when he has to be away from you. If you hid your face, he would still adore the photo but pout a bit because he couldn't see you. Even if photos could never compare to the real thing, in his words. He just wants you to be able to love yourself the way he loves you. He doesn't care about some imperfections, they're what make up you and everybody has them. So, it's probably easier to just let him have his pictures. 

His lockscreen is a picture of you and him with the cats piled up between the two of you. You didn't even know he took it until you went to check something on his phone for him. Dami says you look so peaceful in it, pressing a kiss to the cat's head with your eyes closed, and that it always helps him calm down when he looks at it. That it reminds him of home when he's not there to hold you on the nights on the road. Although, his wallpaper is an entirely different story. A bit more...spicy, if you will. It's a picture of you laying in bed wearing black lacy lingerie with a camera in your hand, and Damiano's legs are able to be seen straddling your waist.

He might not always be able to call or facetime during a tour but believe it when he makes those calls worth it. He loves to be able to call you for hours at a time and if time zones allow it, go to sleep with you on call. If not, that's okay. He has your time zone saved in his clock so he can always be sure to send you a goodnight or good morning text, even if it's a bit late or early. Damia needs to have that little slice of normalcy to keep him from going crazy during the tour. He lives and breathes music, don't get me wrong. But you are his soul and his mind, without you, there would be no music. 

If you're out with the band, he will pull you as close as you'll allow. Even onto his lap if it's a more private place or just you and the others. But this also means you'll be poked and tickled the entire night, even if you slap his hands away. He can't keep his hands off of your ribs, no matter how sore his hands get from your smacks. He compares it to when a kitten nibbles on them.

Damiano needs to be convinced to take a break and slow down, often. He gets so swept up in it that he doesn't realize he hasn't had a proper meal in a couple of days or that he's been skimping on sleep to write lyrics and play around with harmonies. Getting him out of the studio is hard, but much needed. He will appreciate it, as well as apologize for neglecting you for the past days. A nice date or just something to get him outside is just what he needed. No matter how casual it is, being able to relax and spend some time with you is one of his favorite things to do.

Some of his favorite dates are the ones where the two of you are able to just do something and have a good time without the pressure of having to dress up and get ready. He still uses the heart shaped mug you made him on one of your dates, still listens to the record you got him when the two of you got all of your favorite albums and swapped. He still has the tickets from the first movie the two of you were able to go and see together, stuck in between the worn pages of some old book of italian poems he's had forever

His love language is a mix of acts of service and gift giving. He loves to give you little trinkets and stuff he finds while on tour, each item reminding him of you in some way or another. Even if it's just a rock he thought you might like, a pair of earrings you've mentioned before or even just something he thought you might could use. And he will give you one of his oversized blazers if the two of you are out and it's cool, even make sure you have enough to eat and offer you bites of his own food if you want. Hell, if you wanted what he ordered versus what you ordered, he would swap it even if your dish isn't his favorite thing.

Dami loves cooking with you, there's something so domestic about it that he can't help but imagine your future together. He always claims that the meals the two of you prepare together are the best thing he's ever eaten, no matter how simple it is. Just don't break the pasta in front of him, you'll send him into cardiac arrest.

He loves it when you trace and kiss his tattoos, they're something he's proud of and knowing how much you like them just makes him happy. Of course, he knows you don't have to adore every tattoo he has as long as he's happy with it, but it still makes him feel nice when you show his ink a bit of love. It always tickles him a bit when you drag your nail on the ones in his chest, sending shivers down his spine when you do. 

He is a cover hog, yet denies it with every bone in his body. He claims you push them onto him most of the time, despite the fact that you struggle to cover up completely whilst he's on the other side of the bed bundled up like a baby with almost the entire cover. Thankfully, he's warm enough that you can just curl up behind him or into his side and get all the heart that you need from him. He still denies that he hogs the covers when the entire comforter is in a pile on his side, almost like he's trying to build himself a nest

Showering together is one of his favorite things, he loves how intimate it can be. Holding you and helping you wash up without any need to be awkward and feeling comfortable in your own skin in front of each other means so much to him. Being able to be open with one another and not hide anything, even if it's insecurities about your body. He understands that the world isnt always the nicest place and that he can't undo how people's words might hurt you but he'll try his best to get you to love your body

Damiano would love to teach you italian if you didn't already and wanted to learn. He's so excited to be able to share something like this with you that he doesn't realize how hard it is to teach someone an entire language. He overestimates himself and how good of a teacher he is, but that doesn't mean he won't try his best. It just takes a little bit of time, for the both of you. He understands the struggles of learning a new language and wouldn't try to push you to learn it so soon. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. 

[uwuwriting]

Bakugou, Shinsou, Todoroki, Dabi and Shigaraki checking out their s/o

Request: Pretty pls hcs for Shinsou, Shoto, Dabi, Shigaraki, and Bakugou getting caught checking out their s/o? thank you! - anonymous

Pretty boys you’ve got there sweet anon. Pretty boys with a capital P. Love yaa. 💖💖💖

rules

warning: some suggestive thoughts, swearing

Bakugou Katsuki

-Bakugou doesn’t like showing his feelings. 

-Like to no one. 

-Not even to you sometimes.

-So when you started to officially date you understood why he would want to keep our relationship a secret.

-He was good at keep it that way.

-Like really good.

-You got no extra attention or special treatment, he never lost his poker face around you and would never NEVER stare at you.

-So you never really checked on him to see if his eyes wondered to ...places. 

-Today your skirt had ridden up your thighs while you were bouncing around the room along side Mina.

-Your favorite band was coming near you guys since they were on tour and you both were ecstatic. 

-The skin of your thighs looked so soft and plum who wouldn’t stare?

-You did mind when people stared at you but now dealing with your excitement was a priority. 

-Your boyfriend had gotten excited by something else though. 

-His eyes were glued to your thighs, his red orbs following your every movement.

-Kaminari and Kirishima were telling him something about Mineta but he couldn’t focus on them. 

-His head was constantly turned to you to the point that Kaminari had to shake his shoulder to get him to look at them.

- “Yo what are you looking at?”

-His head was again turned to you his eyes widening only by a fraction while he mumbled something to the two boys. 

-Kaminari followed his gaze and his own jaw dropped for a moment before a smirk formed on his face. 

- “Well he IS drooling over Y/N like a dog.....”

-At the sound of your name on Kami’s lips, Bakugou’s attention was fully on the boys his right eye twitching at the comment. 

-He let out a snarl and raised his hand creating a few small explosions. 

- “And what if I am drooling sparky boy?? She wouldn’t mind me looking anyways.” 

- “And why is that Bakubro?”

-His smirk widened as he said proudly. 

- “Because she’s my fucking girlfriend.”

-Way to be secretive Bakugou.

Shinsou Hitoshi

-Baby doesn’t want to show his true emotions to the outside world. 

-Heart been broken too many times.. *isn’t that how the meme goes?*

-He shows it to you because you are HIS and he adores you. 

-He knows you won’t hurt him so he gives you his all.

-Such a sweetheart OMG!!!!!!!

-While you two are in school grounds there is not many things that would indicate that you two are together. 

-People would have to watch closely to see the sings of your relationship. 

-How he sits really close to you during lunch. 

-How you tend to come to school sporting his hoodie during cold days. 

-It’s all cute and fluffy but so so on the down low. 

-Yall are out on a date and you decided to go to the arcade.

-You convinced him to have a dance off with you and now you are both sweaty and panting while you are jumping up and down to the rhythm of ‘Party anthem”. 

-Shisnou kinda gave up after a while and he is now just staring at you. 

-You on the other hand are giving it your all trying to get everything right. 

-You are sweaty and feeling gross which is not cute at all since you are on a date but he promised you ice cream if you beat him with a significant difference. 

-You are not letting this slide. 

-Hitoshi’s eyes are on your chest that is em...going along with your jumping. 

-He is stuck and he is already dreading that you’ll look at him and call him out.

-But he can’t stop. 

-He really wishes you were at your dorm right now, the things he would do. 

-His blush is getting darker as his thoughts are getting dirtier by the minute until the music stops and you are left panting. 

-There’s another thing to add to the list of things to add to his small fantasy. 

-You notice that he has been silent for some time now and you try to meet his eyes but you see where they are glued. 

-Waltzing up to him you leave a kiss to his cheek and another right under his ear, making him shiver. 

- “Stop being so dirty we will be back soon.” 

-Winking you walked out of the arcade leaving a very turned on Shinsou behind. 

Todoroki Shouto 

-Baby boy is slow.

-Yall aren’t together yet.

-He really can’t understand what is going on whenever you enter the room.

-His heart starts to race, his palms get sweaty and he has a weird tendency to smile. 

-He wants to be the reason you are laughing. 

-He wants to talk to you non stop.

-He wants to be around you 25/8, 366 days a year. 

-But he doesn’t understand why this is happening so he just plain out ignores it. 

-You have a massive crush on him so it kinda hurts when he doesn’t take any hints. 

-You dress up just a little bit while you are out with your friend group since he is part of it. 

-You cook for him.

-You offer help or ask for help with studies.

-But nothing. 

-You were chilling in the common room.

-You were spread out on the couch, your t-shirt exposed your stomach as you were hanging half off the actual couch and just a pair of short shorts underneath. 

-Shoto was coming back from his father’s agency, his nerves were everywhere and his mind wouldn’t shut you out. 

-Your soothing voice was there when his father yelled at him that afternoon and even though you weren’t there you helped him get through the day.

-So when the poor thing walked through the door and was met with you hanging off the couch in such a suggestive position, his mind ran wild. 

-He couldn’t stop the blush that irrupted on his face as his cheeks and ears became the same color as his scar. 

-He almost choked on his spit when you giggled at something on your phone. 

-Midoriya came through the door next and was shocked when he saw his friend beat red and eyes wide. 

- “Todoroki-kun are you alright?”

- “She’s hot- It’s IT’S hot in here.”

-You turned at his voice, sitting up as your shorts rode up your thighs ever so slightly. 

-Todoroki saw and he couldn’t take it any longer, covering his red face with his hand as he mumbled a small ‘excuse me’ and left the room. 

-He certainly had an image that would get him through the night.....

Dabi

-Salty boy™.

-Him and Tsukishima would have been best buds I swear. 

-He is VERY vocal about his attraction to you. 

-Like legit non stop flirting even after you are exclusive.

-Compliments, dirty remarks, dirty promises, dirty actions, dirty dirty dirty things in general. 

-He won’t hesitate to make a dirty remark in front of the rest of the league. 

-He has NO shame whatsoever. 

-Look he finally grew the balls to make you HIS okay?

-He wants to show off. 

-But he knows when to not look at you like he wants to devour you. 

-He is respectful of Kurogiri so he isn’t a horny bastard while he is around. 

-But one day he slipped. 

-His hold on his horniness snapped. 

-Poor guy. 

-Actually scratch that poor you, you are the one who is gonna get it rough later so yeah. 

-You had just returned from a mission that had gone sideways.

-Your clothes were ripped and your pants were half burned off. 

-Your pretty face had smudges on it and you looked exhausted. 

-Immediately you went to take a shower not letting Dabi ogle at you.

-When your shower was over you came back downstairs and order a strong drink, rubbing your temples in an attempt to ease your headache. 

-Your hair was wet and sticking to your shirt making it wet and Dabi could SENSE that you weren’t wearing a bra. 

-That’s his sixth sense. 

-The shirt was black so nothing showed. 

-That’s why you couldn’t understand why Dabi was giving you that smirk and glancing down your shirt. 

-You rolled your eyes at him and shoved him away from you only for him to grip your waist and set you on his lap. 

-He left a kiss on your neck and smirked as you shivered. 

-His eyes were right on your chest since he could see EVERYTHING from this angle.

-That’s when Kurogiri stepped back in the room, the drink you ordered in hand. 

-He almost YEETED you off of him as a blush bloomed on the few patches of unscathed skin that he had. 

-Kurogiri *being the Nomu he is IFHOQOASB I RUINED IT* didn’t really respond to the position you were in. 

-He just gave you your drink and went back to polishing the shot glasses. 

-Dabi wanted to crawl into a whole and die even though Kurogiri said nothing. 

-Poor guy every thought and scenario he made about that night was out the window. 

-He cuddled you to drown his shame. 

-Bastard..........

Shigaraki Tomura

-I dare you to try and make him check you out in public. 

-Sure he might stare at you ass in the DIM LIT bar yall are staying in but that’s just because no one can see his eyes. 

-He is beyond shy when it comes to these matters and unlike Dabi even after you are together he wouldn’t stare at you like a crazy person. 

-He is very very careful with his glances and calculates when would be the right time to stare. 

-Meetings are easy.

-You all are sitting down so how hard could it be to keep his horny side in check?

-Well most of the time is easy. 

-You are usually wearing your civilian clothes which are very casual and comfy. 

-Nothing is showing and nothing really makes him want to rip your clothes off. 

-He wants to cuddle at the sight. 

-The problem appears when one day you had to go out on a mission and were called into an emergency meeting by Shiggy. 

-Your costume is um... sexy to say the least. 

-Everything you are wearing is hugging your body in all the right places and the mask you wear shades your eyes just right. 

-You look seductive as hell. 

-Shiggy rarely sees you in your villain costume. 

-He sees you while you are getting ready and might make a comment or go for a quick round. 

-But now it was unexpected. 

-He didn’t remember you were to go on a mission. 

-Totally forgot. 

-So when you come down and since all the seats are taken you have to stay standing, Shiggy is in trouble. 

-His eyes won’t leave your thighs and he can’t really form coherent words.

-Dabi is drooling over you and so is Toga. 

-They keep pointing out how good you look and how sexy your costume makes you. 

-More than you already are. 

-Shigaraki has to really one up his self control and not cancel  the meeting and drag you to the nearest closet. 

-He’s so disoriented during the meeting. 

-Kurogiri points it out after the meeting ended and you left for your mission. 

-Shiggy had the darkest blush the LoV had ever seen and he had to leave the room. 

-Took a cold shower afterwards. 

-Waits for you like a lost puppy..... which turns feral once you step into the room. 

TAG TEAM AY:

@iwaqchan​ @the-arcana-fan-fic​ @angelwritings​ @axerrri​ @reinyrei​

[the-fusionist]

Give me damianette fluff or jasonette fluff with a song

A/N: Hello, all! I am back! This is a very late answer, which I'm sorry for @rebecarojas07. But, it's here now! I went a little off from the prompt and it's a little angsty in the beginning, but it gets better! Also, constructive criticism is welcome, since its been a while. Also, no beta, we die like Jason Todd. I wrote 1800 words just now and I am hoping they mesh well together.

Warnings: Some cursing, slight angst, cheating, hand holding, and kissing

Song: PUBLIC - Make You Mine

╔═══*.·:·.☽✧    ✦    ✧☾.·:·.*═══╗

Marinette cried as she sat on the rooftop while Tikki hugged her.

She was here in Gotham as Ladybug in order to deal with a crisis involving a missing miraculous with Zatanna and Batman, along with several other American heroes she had gotten to know. The mission had taken her a month and she had needed to go undercover for a large portion of the mission, severing contact with her boyfriend, Adrien Agreste. It should all have been fine, they trusted each other.

Now he’s a former boyfriend.

Alya Cesaire was a rock in Marinette’s life, and she was always there for her. If it hadn’t been for Alya Cesaire, her most reliable confidante, the break up might have never happened so soon and she would have stayed oblivious. If it hadn’t been for Alya’s pictures, Marinette would probably have never believed it herself. Five pictures of Adrien Agreste and Lila Rossi, making out on several different occasions.

She wanted to believe it wasn’t true, but if she was being honest with herself she should have seen it coming. Heck, Tikki had seen it coming. They had been having more arguments as of recently. And the time that she had spent apart from Adrien on a mission had simply driven them further apart from each other. She thought back to the times she had complained to Adrien about how Lila was always so touchy with him during photoshoots, he said that it was all business that he couldn’t avoid because of his father. That she was overreacting and being too clingy. That there was nothing between him and Lila.

But those pictures existed. They were in broad daylight, and both Adrien Agreste and Lila Rossi seemed to have no shame, acting in public spaces. She sent one text to Adrien.

We're over.

The message was read, and there was no reply.

That was a month ago. Marinette was getting better, very slowly. Plagg and Tikki stuck with her and supported her, but Marinette still had some nights where she refused to talk to anyone and cried alone. She had set up an arrangement with her parents so she could stay in Gotham, as she needed time away from the city of love. She could never have been more thankful.

Especially when she saw the viral video of someone throwing a bag of flour at Adrien Agreste and Lila Rossi during a photoshoot. Marinette had burst out laughing when she saw the video, and she had a feeling her parents were behind it and had gotten away with it.

But still, sometimes there were days where she couldn’t shrug off the tears. They flowed freely as she swung her spotted legs from her seat on the edge of a random rooftop. She had finished patrol, and she had begun to think back to all the nights she used to spend patrolling Paris with Adrien. She felt her heart seize as she gazed out into the grey landscape of Gotham.

Well, I will call you darlin' and everything will be okay

Suddenly, she heard a throat clear behind her and a cough.

Turning around, she found herself staring at the Red Hood. She quickly wiped at her eyes in an attempt to hide that she had been crying. She had heard rumors of the Red Hood, especially of how he often murdered criminals and at some point in the past had been the leader of a criminal empire.

But, Batman trusted him. And she trusted Batman, so she should be able to trust him and this was a completely safe situation. At least, that’s what she told herself.

She heard him clear his throat again, and she realized she must have gotten lost in her thoughts. She focused back on him, albeit it was somewhat warily.

“Hello darlin’, shit wait, that was too cringey. Damn, I’m sorry.”

She felt her lips quirk upwards in a smile.

The Red Hood coughed, before holding out a steaming cup of coffee to her, and in a questioning tone asked, “Let me try again. You’re Ladybug, right? I saw you having a moment here earlier while I was on patrol, so I just wanted to give you this and offer an ear to listen to you rant if you want?”

Marinette felt her heartbeat quicken, and she felt herself blush under her mask as she replied, “Thank you so much. You’re the Red Hood, right? It’s nice to meet you. And yeah, I would like to rant, that would be super nice.”

So he sat down next to her. She doesn’t know what made her do so, but she told him almost everything. How her former boyfriend had cheated on her while she was on a mission, and how she felt so betrayed when she found out. She told him all about the loneliness and the bitter homesickness she constantly felt.

And he listened, without pity. He listened to every word she spoke, nodding at the right moments of her story, reassuring her she was right, and cussing out Adrien Agreste with her.

That was the first time she met Jason Todd, the man underneath the helmet of the Red Hood.

'Cause I know that I am yours and you are mine

Several months passed, and their relationship progressed from there. The two fell into comfortable friendship and eventually revealed their identities.

But, Marinette couldn’t deny that she had caught herself blushing as she stared at Jason during training or patrol, admiring him.

It was a similar situation for Jason. He still curses himself for the time that Marinette had smiled at him as she swung by during patrol, and he had been so caught up with staring at her dazzling smile that he didn’t notice himself walk right off a building. He was fine, his pride bruised more than anything else.

The point was, they fit well together. They bantered and seemed to constantly toe the line between friendship and something more, to the point where others began to take notice. Jason’s siblings teased him, while Alya and Nino would give Marinette suggestive looks over facetime whenever she mentioned Jason.

They got along so well, and everyone could see it. Marinette and Jason were also starting to believe it themselves. Marinette felt that she was his, and Jason knew that he was hers. They had each other wrapped around their fingers, without even realizing.

Doesn't matter anyway

Marinette was on patrol with Jason when she checked her phone and tears of anger welled up in her eyes. It was a message from Adrien.

Lila and I are over now. We should get back together now, I miss what we had.

Jason saw Marinette’s face change, and he felt angry too when Marinette showed him the text. Adrien Agreste was fucking pathetic.

“Who does he think he is? He thinks he can cheat on me and get back together? He doesn’t even have a place in my life anymore. He doesn’t even matter to me anymore.”

“You don’t need that fucker, Marinette, like how dare he act like you guys can get back together after what he did? Honestly, he’s fucking pathetic. I bet he’s sitting all fucking alone in his apartment after breaking up with Lila, thinking he matters to you. What a pretentious shit stain.”

Marinette felt herself move before she could properly think about what she was doing. Jason hadn’t anticipated her action, and he felt himself let out a small laugh of surprise when he felt Marinette hug him, her face pressed into his leather jacket.

He couldn’t help but softly smile when he heard a muffled, “Thank you, Jason, for being here for me.”

In the night, we'll take a walk, it's nothing funny

Marinette heard a knock on her apartment window. She walked over and opened it to find Jason standing on her fire escape, giving her a sheepish smile.

“Jason, it's 2:00 a.m. and it isn’t even a patrol night? God damn it, Jason, I know that I don’t sleep at night, but what could you want right now?”

Jason’s smile grew brighter, “Want to get waffles and coffee?”

Marinette’s mood quickly changed, and she felt her lips quirk, “You want me to go out in the dark, all alone with you, to get waffles and coffee?”

“No funny business, just waffles and coffee.”

Marinette laughed before she quickly threw on a jacket and joined Jason on the fire escape, before descending down with him and beginning their moderate walk to a nearby café.

Just to talk

On the way, they talked about anything and everything. Books, fashion, superhero business, you name it. They were at peace.

Put your hand in mine

As they walked into the café, Jason noticed another man, who looked like he was in his early twenties, eyeing Marinette. He felt jealousy crawl up his spine, and he knew his eyes were flashing green at the moment.

Marinette had noticed, though she pretended not to. She also tried to pretend not to notice when Jason casually slipped his hand into her own, though she knew she was furiously blushing. Jason was flustered too, and she heard him stutter as he gave his order to a waitress.

For the rest of the night, their hands remained clasped. Tikki was giggling quietly from the inside of Marinette's purse.

You know that I want to be with you all the time

Though they never directly spoke about the hand holding, the two of them definitely gradually spent more time with each other.

They frequented various cafes and libraries and stores, in and out of costume. Someone once swore they saw the Red Hood and Ladybug at a movie theater throwing popcorn at each other. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time before they got together, and several bets were made.

You know that I won't stop until I make you mine

Flash forward a week, and Marinette has asked Jason out on a date. He says yes. They’re both bright red when they enter the café, and this time their hands are clasped from the moment they enter.

The same waitress recognizes them, and she asks who asked the other out. She quickly finds out that Marinette made the first move. When she goes back to her place behind the counter, Marinette and Jason see a coworker slide her twenty bucks. They laugh, and enjoy the rest of their date, content with each other’s serene presence.

Until I make you mine

After they leave the café, a strong gust of wind blows. Marinette slightly shivers under the bite of the wind, before she feels a large warmth envelope her. Jason’s leather jacket is draped over her shoulders, and the man in question is gazing at her lovingly.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” she said before she reached up and pressed a warm kiss to his lips.

The End!

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[darthkruge]

Hello! Could you do an Anakin x reader where the reader is jealous of Padmé so goes on a walk through the night, and leaves a little trinket of hers so Ani doesn’t worry. She runs into a bounty hunter and Ani senses her danger through the force and saves her? Thanks 🥰

Anakin Skywalker x Reader ~ Jealousy and Rescues

Summary: Jedi!Reader gets themself in some trouble after going on a walk during the night and Anakin comes to their aid

Warnings: Angst, jealousy, torture (knives), blood, kidnapping, ends w/ fluff I promise

Words: 3.8k

A/N: Yess!! I loved writing this so much and I’m sorry it took me longer than I expected to get out. I think I went a bit angstier than your request implied but that’s where my brain was at today slfksjd! I am also rushing to post this so if there are some grammatical errors whoops

gif credit

After a few threats to the Senate, your boyfriend was assigned as Padme’s bodyguard. You knew, rationally, their relationship was strictly professional. He’d never be disloyal towards you and you did trust him. There was nothing for you to worry about. Or, at least, that’s what you repeatedly told yourself as you saw them walking and laughing together. 

Being in a secret relationship is difficult, you wouldn’t deny. Especially when your boyfriend was one of the most attractive and charming men in the entire galaxy. You would see people flirt with him constantly and there was nothing you could do without jeopardizing both of your careers as Jedi. 

You played with the necklace he had given you when you spent your first Life Day together all those years ago. Your home planet on one side, Coruscant on the other, symbolizing your past and your future -- your future with Anakin. It always calmed you; it was something you could hold and feel in public, a reminder of the realness of your hidden romance. 

You let out a sigh, dropping the pendant as you tried to shake off the unease you felt as you watched them interact. It mostly worked, too. When you remembered all Anakin had done for you, the intense moments of happiness and love you’d shared, you never felt more secure. But for some reason, as you saw Anakin lean down so Padme could whisper something in his ear, that anxious and guilty warmth ran through your veins.

You hated feeling jealous. It didn’t matter that you logically knew you had nothing to fear, the emotion remained. It embarrassed you, making you feel childish and small. It made you want to crawl out of your skin and hide away, yet simultaneously run up to Anakin and beg him for reassurance. It made you hate Padme, a woman so kind you cursed yourself for feeling that way. It made your mind run wild, conconting torturous scenarios that made your insecurities flair. 

Even though it brought you pain to watch, you had to expend great energy to tear your eyes away from them. You returned to your apartment, waiting for Anakin’s shift to be over. All you wanted was some time alone with him, to hear him tell you how much he loved you, to feel his arms around you and lips against yours. To hear him gently laugh as he picks up on your jealousy and mumble reassurances into your ear. You awaited his beautiful words that would evidently overtake your thoughts and leave you feeling secure and peaceful. 

Letting your brain run for a while, you felt yourself unconsciously picking at your fingernails and playing with your hair, doing anything to keep yourself busy. You jumped as C3PO entered your room, too lost in thought to register anyone’s presence. 

“I apologize Master L/N, but Master Skywalker instructed me to inform you that he will be working late this evening.”

You felt your heart start to pound as your eyes grew heavy with tears. “Threepio, what do you mean? Did he tell you why?”

“Senator Padme has to go to a special dinner this evening to meet with the leaders of some other planets and he must accompany her.”

“Oh.”

C3PO walked closer to you. “Are you alright, Master L/N? Should I call for Master Anakin?”

You shook your head, quickly wiping the tears from your eyes. “I’m fine, thank you.” You said, trying to keep your voice as even and happy as you possibly could. 

The droid exited your apartment as you walked onto the balcony, the cold air hitting your cheeks and quelling the hot embarrassment that flowed through you. There is nothing to worry about, you rationalized. These dinners are formalities, Padme goes to them all the time! And Anakin is just her bodyguard, he would never cheat on you! 

Even as you thought the words, you felt frustratingly unconvinced. You decided to go for a walk, the silence in the apartment that your boyfriend was supposed to be back at driving you mad. Even so, you didn’t want him to worry on the off chance he returned home before you. Sighing, you slid the necklace off and placed it on the nightstand, quickly scribbling a note that read “on a walk, be home soon.”

You pulled your Jedi robes closer around you as you walked the Coruscant streets. You had no particular destination in mind, nor did you know how long you intended to be gone for. You let your body drive you, walking around as if in a haze while using all your energy to expel the thoughts from your mind. You made random turns, walking in various directions until you felt yourself calm. 

You looked up and to your left and smiled as you saw your apartment. Anakin. You smiled to yourself and shook your head at your foolishness. You didn’t know why you’d gotten so worked up over his and Padme’s relationship; at the end of the day, he would always return home. 

 Perhaps this was why you weren’t paying attention. Or maybe it was the way you were focussed on  Anakin’s force signature, honing in on him and letting the rest of the world fade away. It could have been your exhaustion, emotionally drained for the day. Whatever the reason, you were unprepared when a dark figure jumped out of the shadows and stunned you. All you knew was that one minute you were on your way home to him and the next you were surrounded by darkness as the ground quickly caught up to you.

Anakin rushed out of dinner, feeling quite guilty for leaving you alone all day. He hated working late, especially during the few times you and him were both on Coruscant. Frequently, your missions kept you apart and, thus, the days where you were home together were sacred. He reached out to you, surprised to not feel your force signature in the apartment. 

He opened the door and was met with a darkness and stillness that immediately set him off. He pulled out his lightsaber but was careful not to ignite it just yet. He looked around and came upon your note and necklace and relief flowed through him. However, he couldn’t shake the sense that something was off. The words in your note felt clipped and cold and he knew you must not have been happy to hear he was running late. 

He walked to the balcony, trying to see you but quickly realizing the futility of the plan. He paced in the apartment, reaching out farther with the Force. Although he hadn’t completely found you, Anakin’s blood ran cold as he sensed with overwhelming clarity that you were in danger. You wouldn’t have lied to him about your whereabouts so he knew you were on foot and, thus, couldn’t have gone too far. All he hoped was that he found you quickly and wasn't too late. 

You groaned, already knowing what had happened. The Council already briefed the Jedi that there was an uptick in bounty hunters throughout the galaxy, specifically those targeting the Jedi order. You couldn’t believe you were stupid enough to walk around, unnattentive, through alleyways, at night. The bounty hunter came into your cell and pulled off her mask. Her features were sharp, her face hardened. You looked into her eyes and were met with a predatory gaze. 

“What are you going to do with me?” You almost didn’t want her to answer. 

The woman simply laughed. “Kill you, of course. But why not have a little fun first? I bet you’d look so nice begging for mercy.”

“I’ll die before I beg for anything from you.” You spat.

“I’m sure I can accommodate both of those things, sweetheart.” With that, she grabbed a knife and plunged it into your foot, anchoring it to the floor. 

You bit your lip, tasting blood as you tried not to scream. You clenched your fists, your hands shackled above your head. Your foot felt hot, the crimson blood running down its sides. Just as the pain began to numb, the woman pulled out another blade and slowly cut the bottom of your other foot. 

You screwed your eyes shut, desperately trying not to give in. She laughed at your feeble attempts before bringing the knife down. The force she used pierced through both muscle and bone and you couldn’t stop yourself from letting out an involuntary cry.

Your brain was a muddled mess, tears leaking down your face as you willed your pained whimpers to die in your throat. She cut through your pants and into your thighs. With each line she carved, you felt more and more helpless. She made her incisions deep and languidly, as if pulling every ounce of blood from your body. You tried to squirm away from the blade but the twisting movements made the knives dig even deeper into your feet. 

You tried to reach for Anakin, for some reminder that there was peace waiting for you if you could only hold out through this. You faintly felt his force signature. He’s still out there. He’ll come for me, I know he will.

“Ready to beg yet, Jedi?” She cooed, the tip of her knife under your chin, forcing you to meet her eyes. 

Your gaze hardened as you thought of him. She would never take you from him, nothing could tear you and Anakin apart. Your determination remained. She’s not going to break me.

“Never.” Even as the tears ran down your cheeks, even as you felt your grip on the world weakening, you’d never meant a word more than that. 

“We’ll see about that.”

You cried out as her knife cut across your cheek. The sharp sting from the newer and shallower cuts  combined with the throbbing ache in your legs and feet. The sensation and blood loss made you dizzy. Even so, you forced yourself to remain conscious. You’d get through this, you had to. 

Anakin drove his speeder through Coruscant, following a combination of his instincts and the Force to track you down. Every minute, he felt your fear and pain intensify through your Force bond and he grew more and more desperate. By now, he knew you must have been taken by a bounty hunter, there was no other explanation. However, he was occasionally met with a spark of determination and defiance.

He smiled. Whoever had you might be causing you pain, but you definitely weren’t an easy capture. Pride filled him as he thought of your strength. You’d get through this, you had to. Hang on, Y/N, just a little while longer.

The bounty hunter had left the room a few minutes ago, probably frustrated of waiting for you to give in. She’d moved onto cutting through your shirt, your stomach and chest now littered with deep, red, lines. It hurt to breathe, every movement tugging at one of the gashes and causing more blood to ooze out. You were honestly surprised there was still blood left in you to give, as your head felt light and body heavy.

You were so weak, so dizzy that you couldn’t support your own weight anymore, even sitting down. Your head hung down, lolling unimpressively as your neck refused to cooperate. Your mind was swimming and you were delirious, half-convinced you were already dead. 

“Y/N!” 

You used all your energy to lift your head, meeting a pair of beautiful blue eyes that you would recognize anywhere. 

“Anakin,” You breathed out. “Anakin please, help me.” 

“Shh, it’s okay.” He knelt down beside you and you looked at him, immeasurable relief coursing through you. 

He put his hand gently to your cheek, careful to avoid your cuts. “Hold on, Y/N.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, confused. “Why aren’t you helping me?”

“Hold on.” The whisper of Anakin’s voice remained in the air as his figure melted away. You screamed in agony, despair clutching at your soul. You desperately looked around, willing the hallucination back to you. Even if it was a cruel trick your fatigued, weak, blood-loss ridden mind created, you wanted him back. 

“Please, Anakin, please come back to me!” You cried. You sobbed, the pain of losing him in any form impossible for you to bear. 

You begged and begged and begged, trying to will him back to you. You screamed and thrashed until your hands wore raw against your restraints, until your cuts had reopened, until your throat was sore and your eyes burned from crying. 

You whimpered out one final plea before your eyes fluttered shut, the fight completely drained from your soul.

Anakin’s heart pounded. He could feel you slipping away, your determination slowly fizzing out. He couldn’t blame you; these bounty hunters were notorious for their torture, for leaving their victims as broken shells before they were killed. He forced the image out of his mind, refusing to think of you in that position. 

Finally, he made it to an abandoned building on the edge of Coruscant. The Force had guided him here and he felt you strongly, or as strongly as he could given your broken state. He jumped out of the speeder and saw a woman twirling a knife, leaning against a wall. 

Igniting the lightsaber, he walked up to her.

“Anakin, I presume?” 

He froze but quickly regained his composure, eyeing her and trying to figure out what her motives were. 

“Don’t fret, young Jedi. They were just calling for you. Quite pathetic if you ask me.”

“If you hurt them I swear-”

The bounty hunter’s lips curled into a bone chilling smile, giving Anakin all the answers he needed. He swung his lightsaber, deflecting her blaster shots with ease. She pulled out two knives and threw one at his middle, making Anakin jump to the side to escape the blade. 

Anakin twirled the saber, once again trying to get traction. She was quick, swinging herself up onto the room of the building by flipping backwards from the balcony. He, however, was quicker. Anakin jumped up gracefully, continuing to spin his weapon and stalk her in this intense, choreographed dance they were engaged in. 

The woman sent her other knife flying at Anakin’s neck and he used his trained reflexes to catch the hilt right before it cut through his skin. Now, it was his turn to smile. He watched as her expression faltered, paying attention to her footing to sense her next move. He followed her, catching up quickly before running the blade through her, barely waiting for her body to drop before bounding off the roof and into the building to find you.

His breath caught as he took you in. Your unconscious body was limp and blood was seeping out of you. He grimaced, seeing the blades running through your feet. As much as he didn’t want you to lose more blood, he needed to remove the knives in order to carry you out of here. Your flesh squelched as he pulled the blade out as evenly as he could and a low whimper escaped your throat. 

“Y/N, Y/N can you hear me?”

“No, no, no, no, no, please, not again!”

“Angel it’s alright, I’m not gonna hurt you.” Anakin said, moving to meet your eyes.

“You’re not- this isn’t- no!” You tried to pull yourself away from him, unable to watch this hallucination falter. 

“Y/N, please, let me help you. I need to get you out of here before you lose any more blood.”

“This isn’t real!” You screamed. “Please, stop, this isn’t real! You’re not here, you’re not here, you’re gone, I’m gone, it’s not-” You continued to spew unintelligible words, tears already bubbling up in your throat. 

Anakin caught on to what was happening. “Angel, look at me. I promise I’m here. I’m real, okay? Please believe me.”

“I can’t!” You sobbed. “I can’t let myself hope again!”

“Y/N, okay, okay. Remember that necklace I gave you? It had your home on one side and ours on the other. You left it for me, a token to prove that you were safe when you went for a walk. I think you were angry with me; I was working late because I was guarding Padme, remember? It’s me, I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Despite yourself, you believed him. “Ani.” You said softly, tears coming to your eyes as you allowed yourself to have faith that you would be alright. 

“Yes, my love, it’s Anakin. I need you to be still for me, okay? It’s going to hurt but I need to get us home.”

You nodded, cries escaping you as he pulled the second knife from your foot. Your vision went white, the pain profound. Anakin gently hushed you, hand smoothing down your thigh to comfort you as he worked. He went to your restraints next, releasing your hands and watching as they fell heavily. He caught your body as it wrenched forward, making you gasp as the cuts on your chest came in contact with him.

Anakin apologized quickly, pulling off his robe and wrapping it around your body, your cut clothing offering almost no protection from the cold, nighttime air. He also wanted to help you as your body was clearly going into shock from the trauma.

Anakin placed you in his lap, holding you to him with one hand and driving with the other. For anyone less talented at riding a speeder it would have been precarious. You weakly wrapped your arms around him, too, as best as you could. 

You were in and out of consciousness the whole way back, barely registering how Anakin pulled you up and into his arms, the sway of his walking faster and more desperate than usual. He went into medbay, placing you gingerly on a bed and calling over a medical droid to determine the extent of your injuries.

Noting how empty it was, Anakin took the risk and held your hand. He knew it was dangerous, the fear of getting caught weighing constantly on both your minds. But after he almost lost you, nothing else mattered. 

The droids informed him that you had lost a severe amount of blood, but the cuts themself should heal with time. He breathed a sigh of relief as he realized you would be fine. Anakin begged them to let him take you back to your room, saying that the trauma from the torture would only grow worse if you woke up in an unknown environment. 

They allowed, so long as he made sure you were supervised and rested for at least the next week. He agreed hurriedly before scooping you back up. You groaned at the movement and he whispered a quick apology, trying to get you into your bed as soon as possible. 

He set you down, resting your back against the pillows just as you liked. You were all bandaged up and looked so fragile in your current state, a far cry from what he was used to. He hated it. You were such a skilled Jedi, he sometimes forgot that you were vulnerable, too, and this reality check was immensely painful. 

He watched over you as you slept, refusing to move for hours. Finally, your eyes opened and  you  looked at him blearily. 

“Hi.” You croaked out. 

Anakin’s eyes snapped up to yours, gently laughing from the relief of hearing your voice and its gravelly tone. He floated the cup of water by your nightstand to your mouth while using his other hand to brace your neck, coaxing you into a sitting position so you could easily swallow the liquid.

You hummed your thanks as he slowly set you against the pillows. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner, I should have told the Council I couldn’t do the extra meeting and just come home.”

“No, Anakin, it was your job, I shouldn’t have been upset. I was just jealous, I guess. I saw you and Padme together and,” You trailed off. It felt so unbelievably stupid now. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have left, I shouldn’t have been so careless.”

Anakin’s eyes were understanding. “It’s okay, my love. But you have absolutely nothing to worry about. The only reason I was with Padme for dinner was because the Council assigned me to. No one could make me willingly skip dinner or anything else with you.”

“I know” You said sheepishly.

“I love you, angel. No one even comes close. I promise, I’ll never leave you.”

“I love you too, Ani.” 

He carefully connected his lips with yours, hyper aware of your injuries and not wanting to cause you  any more pain than you’ve already been through. 

“Lie with me?”

Anakin nods as you scoot over. He climbs into bed and allows you to situate yourself. You eventually find a position that doesn’t put strain on your cuts and bruises and you smile, leaning your head against his chest. He gingerly puts his flesh hand around your back, looking at you to see if it’s okay. You nod reassuringly and Anakin lets his arm rest there, fingers gently running through your hair.

“I was so scared, Anakin. I thought I’d never see you again.” You say, breaking the silence.

He looks at you, silently encouraging you to go on, if you so wanted.

“I hallucinated you, you know? I thought you’d come for me. But you told me to hold on and then you disappeared.” Your voice was barely a whisper at the end, tears leaking onto his chest. 

“I’m so sorry.” Those words were all he could give. He spoke them with such meaning and love that you melted. None of this was his fault.

“I love you.” You replied, your words carrying the same intensity as his. 

Anakin brought his metal arm around, too, to further hold you to him. 

“You’re never going to lose me, okay? I will always come for you, I will always protect you. With everything I am, I will always love you.” 

“I know.” Your voice was loving and soft, exhaustion once again pulling at you.

He kissed the top of your head. “Get some sleep, Y/N. You’ll need a lot of it.”

“Hmm?” You questioned tiredly

“They assigned you to at least a week of complete rest.”

“What?!”

“Shhhh, go to sleep, angel.” Anakin chuckled. 

You huffed but nuzzled closer to him. You were too drained to fight it and too happy to finally be back in his arms. Nothing could ruin the moment.

----

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[lenaellsi]

Was there a moment Wilde became your favorite? Or did you enjoy his appearances from the start?

People seem to find him annoying at the start, but i didn’t mind him until i loved him at the end of Paris

@quantifierrasing THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME TALK ABOUT WILDE YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BECAUSE I WROTE AN ESSAY

under the cut because i am a merciful and considerate soul

wilde's introduction is absolutely hilarious, obviously, but it's also so damn confusing. like, what's his game? at first you think he's going to be a one off, maybe one of those recurring characters that pops up to annoy the NPCs every so often and write about their adventures in completely skewed ways to complicate their public image (and create work for hamid, who was originally hired as PR). i got like...team rocket vibes. and i loved him even then, because i already hated b*rtie and i thought hearing wilde's take on the party's adventures would be super fun! then dover happened and i forgot about wilde for a bit, though he was still my favorite historical NPC. so for his initial ep 25 intro, while I thought he was a little annoying, it was very much "insufferable (affectionate)" even then.

and then paris. things we learn in paris:

1. wilde is a SPY. like international man of mystery hyper competent intelligence officer. but he's still Like That!!! he's still an annoying punny idiot!! he contains MULTITUDES.

2. he's a BARD and even better an ILLUSIONIST BARD. aesthetically that kicks ass, and it is such an amazing metaphor for his whole Thing. never saying what he means, drowning every word in irony, hiding his real feelings and motivations under sarcasm and puns and lies until it's impossible to take anything he says as truth. and yet he STILL manages to establish himself as a trustworthy contact for the party, and someone who genuinely is trying to do the right thing.

3. he's insanely powerful, bad rolls aside alex makes a point of that, plus there's a check against hamid that indicates a base charisma score that is like. 23-24 or something stupid like that. OP king

4. he's got a lot of enemies.

5. by the time the guivres attack on paris happens, he's already doubting the meritocracy and his place in it.

prague is where we start to see his illusion start to slip, obviously, and where the dynamic shifts from him and the party antagonizing each other equally to the party just.........poking at him while he's too tired to hold up his side of the banter. through cairo and damascus i got the sense that he was actually trying to connect with them and be helpful, but between the curse and the assumption that everything he said was meant to be antagonizing, he just...didn't, except for that perfect moment with sasha in the pun war.

and you see the results of that in season 4, where he's much more...careful, i guess? when it comes to party interactions. I think literally once a day about his line from the japan arc, where he and zolf are talking before hamid and azu come in for the rome debrief--zolf says something like "just try to be a little warmer, okay?" and wilde says "they don't like me when I'm warm." just!!! fucking!!!! GOD.

the only member of the party he had connected with at all was sasha, because she was the one that saw his wordplay as an attempt to actually joke around and make friends (something something sasha is no stranger to hiding her motivations and true feelings, something something unlikely kindred spirits, something something rome is the worst)

if you listen back to season 4, every single convo with azu and hamid he's constantly clarifying that he's being serious and he's not trying to antagonize them. he hardly ever jokes. it's a mask again, only this time instead of hiding behind humor he's just...not expressing anything at all. (except with zolf, who is the only person we see him being completely honest with).

i could get into his changes after the resurrection--how he's no longer using illusions (magical and otherwise) against his allies, and how he has committed to speaking more honestly with the people who matter to him, while reclaiming his humor as a way to express camaraderie and love--but i've already rambled enough on this post.

TL;DR: wilde was my favorite NPC from the start. after paris, he became one of my favorite characters in any media i've consumed. if he dies (again) i will personally sow myself a victorian mourning veil and you will not hear from me for a month. he deserves a peaceful, restful post-canon life.

[shirophantomvox]

Analyzing Illumi Zoldyck's Character

Chrollo Analysis | Hisoka Analysis | Killua Analysis

What’s up y’all! Sorry for being away for the last few days. I needed a break from social media because I am so tired of seeing toxic, self-righteous people on my TL. Anyway, quite a lot of you liked my posts about analyzing HxH characters and somehow comparing them to VLD characters. Today, I’ll be talking about Illumi Zoldyck and I’ll try to compare him to a Voltron character. I know many people have already analyzed this character before, but it wouldn’t hurt to add to the discussion some years later. If you want me to write about anything else, send me an ask! The formatting of this post may be different than the one I wrote about Hisoka Morrow (click his name to view that post).

HERE WE GO!

In the first season, all of the characters are contestants for the Hunter’s Exam. I say contestants because this is a contest to see who can win without any injuries and can keep up with each host. I forget what number stage they were at, but I do know they were at the stage where each opponent has to fight each other. They are declared the winner if their opponent forfeits or gives up mid-match. (Off-topic, but) I am going, to be honest; Gon was my favorite character but his flaws began to show, annoyed me, and later led to his horrific downfall (based from YouTube clips). He didn’t know when to stop and kept pushing himself over the limit. Anyway, Killua and Gittarackur are set to fight. This is when things take a turn for the worse.

Gittarackur is a form of a disguise for Illumi to mask his identity. His face is long; nearly (and reminds me of) in the shape of a Tiki. His face also reminds me of the Witch Doctor mask from Scooby-Doo and Hell-raiser. He has several pins stuck in his face to maintain the facial features of Gittarackur. On the flip side, if he removes the pins, his biological form is revealed. Once he does this, Killua is nearly paralyzed; he cannot believe his eyes and I’m sure the trauma he endured at home hit him like a sack of rocks. Illumi then tells Killua that he wants him to return home, that he cannot maintain a friendship with Gon, stated that he was going to kill Gon, but realizes that if he does so he will be disqualified and will not obtain his Hunter’s license.

I’m assuming the cops aren’t a thing in this reality and the only way for them to “destroy” under the law is by obtaining the license. What do you think? I rarely see police officers; all I see are the Mafia and every they suck compared to the Zoldyck's and the Phantom Troupe. Shit, it seems like they’re the police but have twisted motives.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a fictional character or not, first impressions matter and he bombed this one...even for a villain.

But you did this for what?

How can you hypnotize (by using Nen) your own brother into killing another opponent because he doesn’t want to become an emotionless zombie like you? At least, that’s my perception. Telling your brother to run every time he faces an opponent that he knows he cannot win against is the sickest shit I’ve ever seen. I know I’m jumping around but another thought popped into my head. As the seasons go on, Illumi expresses an odd way of loving his younger brother and to him, that means to make him suffer in the same way he had to. It seems like Illumi is jealous of Gon in a way. (I’ve seen clips on YouTube) Killua takes Alluka to the hospital to heal Gon. Illumi has stated several times to Hisoka that Killua was hiding rules from him and that he still wanted to get rid of Alluka. Although it is clearly stated why he wanted Alluka gone, I still think that Illumi was jealous of Gon simply because his younger brother preferred to be with a friend instead of him. This is why he emphasizes “You cannot have friends. Either they will betray you or you’ll betray them.”

As I read and watched as the seasons went on, I noticed something about Illumi and his family. We all know that the children were raised by their parents. Specifically, their dad is a trained assassin. I can’t remember but I think Zeno is their grandfather who is also an assassin.

I view him as a character that has suffered from abuse and trauma in order to mold him into an assassin. He is emotionless, doesn’t really care for others, has an odd relationship with Killua that he doesn’t have for his other siblings, and is a hypocrite. Killua can’t be friends with Gon but every time the show cuts to him, he’s with Hisoka? Something is fishy there. Are they more than friends? OK, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Here's the physical analysis below.

Face

When masquerading as Gittarackur, his face has several pins in them and his hair is in a rock star form of Mohawk that is purple. I’ll give him 10/10 for uniqueness, yet it still reminded me of Hell Raiser.

I’ve noticed that when he is in public he is in costume. Why doesn’t he reveal himself in public? I’ve researched this and no one could answer this question. My guess is that he is a verified hunter and assassin. How can you carry out your missions if everyone knows what you look like? Without the pins in his face, it reverts back to his natural state. To me, his large eyes and long, shiny black hair are his distinguished features. Although he may be my least favorite character, he does have pretty eyes. Haven’t you all heard of “I got lost in his/her eyes”?

Yeah, that can be said about him. Most definitely. He rarely smiles and when he does, something BAD is going to happen. I saw him laugh crazily once Alluka began the healing process, the Nen (I guess) rose from the hospital and got on him. This scene reminds me of how Haggar reacted once the Komar’s quintessence bounced from Voltron and bounced onto her. Wow, these supernatural abilities make y’all feel that good?

Clothes

Gittarackur and Illumi wear the same clothes, which should be a clear giveaway that they are the same. Illumi wears a neural green short jacket that has yellow pins in them, a light green shirt underneath, and green pants. His shoes remind me of loafers with a heel on them, something my grandmother would wear.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say again, these bad-ass men in this show are very stylish and seem to be in shape more than I am. Although Illumi irks me, his fashion is great and this is why people prefer him to be their favorite character. Shows should always produce characters that are memorable; that is the key to a long-lasting fan base.

In conclusion, this anime (for the most part) has well-rounded characters that make the plot interesting and wanting more.

Illumi and Lotor are somewhat similar. They both grew up in abusive households and lost some sense of sensitivity, common sense, and were often “misguided” by their own selfishness. Illumi wants a better life for Killua by constantly brainwashing him into thinking that he cannot have friends and his can only find happiness through killing. Zarkon raises Lotor to be a prince that shouldn't work with planets and should destroy them. This explains why he used deceased Alteans from the colony, drained their quintessence, and didn't give them a proper burial. Lotor IS just like his father but Killua IS NOT like Illumi. Ironic, huh? As we all know by now, Lotor is the son of Honerva (Haggar) and Zarkon. After the rift accident, he became an emotionless, ruthless monster that colonized and destroyed planets just to gain their quintessence. He taught this to his son and once he was old enough to think for himself, he refused to act in such a way. Although he was exiled and said he wasn’t like Zarkon, he was; but worse. Lotor studied and gained knowledge about Altea and its people while using Allura to gain the secrets of Oriande. I say he used her because he knew from the moment he met her that he was harvesting Altean quintessence. While fighting the white lion, he yelled “Victory or Death” which is a common catchphrase the Galra use when they are in battle. In fact, the Galra have been victims of trauma from Zarkon. Zarkon’s ruthless ways of ruling had no other motive except for obtaining quintessence so he could live forever. Silva’s way of raising his children was done to mold them into assassins. Since he was taught this way he did the same thing to his children. Zarkon, Silva, and Zeno think that their ways of parenting are necessary for survive in life when it doesn’t have to be that way. Illumi and Lotor have experienced this horrific parenting and deal with it in different ways. Illumi is oddly obsessive of his younger brother and Lotor is a fucking liar.

This analysis was fun! Next, I’ll be analyzing Killua and Keith Kogane.

If you’d like to see more posts like this, send me an ASK!

[shokobuns]

– VALENTINE’S DATES (JJK EDITION)

ft. itadori yuuji, fushiguro megumi, kugisaki nobara, gojo satoru, sukuna ryoumen, nanami kento, zenin maki (gn!reader)

GENRE: fluffy brainrot/headcanons! (whichever you consider these to be ig)

WORD COUNT: 1.8k

WARNING(S): suggestive themes.

ITADORI YUUJI – he’s the type of person to record your date for memories. he has videos of you looking out into the sunset to you chomping down on a bunch of noodles like an animal. with that, you two would just go around and explore tokyo, taking advantage of any couples’ valentine’s day discounts. he’d probably ask gojo for advice (he hands him a condom), but it’s horrible and he’d probably figure that out from nanami. if it’s the first date, he’d be nervous as hell and it’d be noticeable considering how jumpy he is, but once you start getting comfortable with touching him, he’d relax more and adjust really quickly. if it lasts the whole day, by half the date, he’s kissing your cheek, holding your hand, and wrapping his arm around you. yuuji’s really sweet and he’s also a gentleman, holding the door for you and being mindful of if you’re having a good time or not. when you two finally kiss on the lips, he gets flustered as hell and hides his face into the crook of your neck.

THE GIFT – one of those bead necklaces that everyone makes at home. the colors are irregular and in no particular pattern, but your initials are on it with a heart. he doesn’t have much money with the exception of food, so he can’t afford a super glamorous gift, but you wear it with pride.

FUSHIGURO MEGUMI – would show up at your doorstep with your favorite flowers, but once he gets there, he’s debating on whether he should be there or not. he just wanted to do something nice for you on valentine’s day, but he’s also thinking “what if this is weird?” he’s another person that gojo gave advice to, but megumi tuned him out because he already knows to not trust him for this stuff. he’s all new to this couple type things, but he rings your doorbell anyways and he’s about to put down the flowers at your doorstep and run away, but it’s too late. you answer the door with a sundress on and this man forgets how to speak, so he just holds out a box of chocolates and the flowers without even looking you in the face. eventually, you ruffle his hair and go back into your house to gather some sandwiches, water, and a blanket for a picnic at a nearby park. you’d have to be the one to initiate the hand holding and his face gets so fucking red, too. at the park, he gets more comfortable, talking to you becomes easier and he lets you put butterfly clips in his hair because your face gets really close to his and he likes to give you little pecks on your nose when it happens.

THE GIFT – flowers and chocolate, letting you put clips in his hair without complaints

KUGISAKI NOBARA – she’s also the type to bring you around tokyo and spoil you on valentine’s day and she’s definitely more assertive on the date, too. she constantly has one hand on you, whether it’s on the small of your back or she’s holding yours, and she’s not shy about kissing your cheeks in public, either. nobara makes you try on clothes and if she really likes how the outfit looks on you, too, she’ll have no problem buying them at all. you two do that thing where you pick out outfits for each other and try them on at the same time. for most of the date, it feels like she’s the one with the bolder personality, but as soon as you tell her she looks like “the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen,” she gets really fucking flustered. your classic red cheeks and she can’t seem to stop smiling, but at the same time she’s trying not to seem too embarrassed even though she’s failing miserably. eventually, she’ll get over herself and you guys would find an empty balcony somewhere and make out for the rest of the night.

THE GIFT – an outfit consisting of those velvet track pants that she thinks make your ass look good (the ones that flare out at the bottom), an oversized shirt, and a bunch of scrunchies

GOJO SATORU – the first time he sees you that day, he tosses you a condom with a ribbon on it, does a backflip onto a table, then puts a ribbon on himself. he gets an “i hate you” because he’s dramatic as hell, but he pouts and it makes you feel slightly guilty because he’s just so cute. anyways, for the rest of the day, he wears his glasses because it feels more casual and for the most part, you’re hanging out at home watching movies, making out, etc. there are definitely no more condoms left in the box by the end of the night. although, you don’t stay in all day. he does treat you to a proper dinner where you both are a little more dressier than usual and he makes sexual innuendos in your ear whenever he has the chance which is about every five seconds. you’d also be eating dinner next to another couple and he’d say some shit like “we’re cuter than them” and you would get secondhand embarrassment whether the couple hears it or not. at the end of the night, you two walk to a park at night and there’s definitely a little moment where he goes “hey, can you hold this?” and you hold out your hand and he interlocks his fingers with yours (yes, he’s cheesy like that). you’ve probably had to slap him on the back of the head a couple times. once you two get to the park, he shamelessly does cartwheels throughout the whole space.

THE GIFT – a condom, sex, a homecooked meal, cat ears, and a sanrio plushie that yuuji picked out for him

SUKUNA RYOMEN – honestly, you weren’t even sure if you were even going to have a valentine’s day date with him, but he shows up at your front door at 6 am ringing your doorbell repeatedly with a bunch of flowers and you look like absolute shit when you finally open it. you’re still tired, so you drag him back to your bed for a few hours and sleep a little more before getting ready and going out for breakfast. he’s the type of person to stare down other people for no reason and you have to calm him down during your little breakfast date so that he doesn’t scare people. of course, he eventually gets a little bored and blows your back out in the restroom which has you limping for the rest of the day. he takes a lot of pride in it, too. later at dinner, he tries to cook for you, but this man sucks at cooking and has anger issues which is not a good combination because he’s so close to punching the stove since he somehow ended up burning the pasta noodles? your kitchen is still intact, so you don’t question it, and you’ve already ordered takeout because you’ve already predicted it. sure, he sucks at cooking, but it’s the thought that counts, right? after that, you two fuck, like you’ve already been doing all day, but this time, you give a little manicure after. you teach him how to take care of his cuticles himself and paint each other’s nails black after.

THE GIFT – a vibrator, handcuffs, a dead rabbit he found and stuffed with its legs cut off. he also got you a nice bouquet of your favorite flowers, but he had to bark at someone at the store to get them.

NANAMI KENTO – this man will take you off to your classic fancy dinner date with wine, a box of chocolates, a bouquet of roses, basically the whole cliche formula valentine’s date. although, you’d notice that something seems a little off about him so you kind of just ask “are you having a good time?” and he looks back at you with a blank expression all like “are you having a good time?” that’s when you get the hint that he’s indifferent to the whole thing, so you quickly finish dinner in order to get home as soon as possible. nanami is a little confused as to why you weren’t having fun, but it’s all explained when you head to your bathroom and hold up two face masks. he hasn’t used one before, but you just tell him to relax and “stop and smell the roses.” he’s just like “i already bought you roses?” and you just shake your head and instruct him to lay down so that you can put the sheet mask on his face. the night slowly becomes more of a self care type time where you two take a bath together, wash each other’s hair, and eat cake. surprisingly, he ends up enjoying the whole thing and asks if you two can do the same thing next time. it ends with a peaceful sleep, you head laying on his chest and his arms wrapped around you.

THE GIFT – box of chocolates, roses, and some diamond earrings. the best dick of your entire life, both in the bathtub and in the bedroom.

ZENIN MAKI – this girl gives you a home cooked meal, but she’s actually good at it. for breakfast, she’s making some omelettes and rice and it’s one of the ones where it’s a sanrio character sleeping in a blanket. you’re just admiring her the whole time because she looks really pretty when she cooks. for a valentine’s day date, you two would go on a cute picnic with some bento boxes and eat strawberries while the sun shines. her hair is down the whole time and you play with it because she never has her hair down even though she looks absolutely gorgeous like that. she’s just relaxed the whole time and you’re feeding her compliments while keeps on this cocky exterior, but she’s internally melting. she also lets you braid her hair, so you give her some french braids, but not without adding some pretty flowers to compliment her face. later that night, you two play a movie in the background and you give her a massage because she rarely gets some time to let go and rest and you really want to make her feel good. eventually, this escalated into making out until you two get tired and fall asleep.

THE GIFT – home cooked meals and pair of earrings she saw you eyeing the other day.