#i am blown away by each of his performances without exception. i love him so dearly i was grinning so hard during his entire speech

[haloiisms]

RAAHHH MATTMAC WIN!!!!!!! a victory for tomgirls everywhere. i miss my princess tom wambsgans every day

[just2bubbly]

Longings and Comm

Masterlist

Summary

"I swear if I could come, I would have been near you in a heartbeat."

Absence always seems to make the heart grow fonder and Cinder and Kai are no different in this vast expanse. After a busy day at work with Lunars, Cinder relies on Kai to make her smile but what happens when unexpected inquiries are made and feelings are slipped off.

Ship: Kaider

Words: 1502 words

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Cinder's Perspective

She was so done with everyone. Every single one of them and this headache was killing her and unlike her usual headaches caused as a result of grief. This one was a real fucking headache caused because of annoyance and extreme anger.

She did something very un-queenly, like shouting in her chambers with a colourful string of swear words going in her mind.

1.2.3.4

Like every meeting that had ever happened, this was nothing different. Well, except for the appearances of lunar aristocrats. As if the stars surrounding her knew exactly what she wanted, Kai commed with such perfect timings that she wondered if Iko was behind this. If she was, may God bless her best friend, her only true companion on this entire dreary planet.

"Thank Goodness you commed. I am so angry-"

He chuckled at her loud outburst, mildly interrupting her. She would have glared if it was anyone else but Kai. However, the voice of his chuckle was enough to calm her down.

"Welcome to Royalty Queen Selene!"

"Stop saying it as if I have won a lottery ticket to visit Earth"

"So is that what you are missing? Earth?" he asked with a smirk tugging at his lips.

"You would know," she said, awaiting him to smile one of those shy smiles reserved for her.

"Kai! I miss Earth and people who can't perform bio-electric manipulation. Heck, you don't know how lucky you are! "

"Why?" he asked, his eyebrows quirking as his curiosity peeked in.

"Well, there are many reasons..." she was going to narrate each one of it to him unless he said otherwise.

Noting her long pause for permission, he granted, "Start Cinder, I'm all ears for you today."

'Ah! This guy was too good for his own self' she seemed to exclaim inside her head.

"Let's start then. I would say sit down as there is a long list of reasons. Firstly, these obnoxious Lunars- they are obsessed with fashion and by fashion, I mean an eerie sense of fashion. My eyes are hurt by just looking at them and that's not my individual statement, even Iko agrees. Plus, my cybernetics and the device goes haywire on me trying to pinpoint their true looks every time I glance at them; making it extremely difficult to focus. Secondly, their love to change appearances, like someone might be having blonde hair today and tomorrow they might turn out bald or something like that. I have a hard time remembering people, providing that I have cybernetics it is saying something. I can look through their glamour and see their true appearances but even then I have a hard time recalling them like hell, Luna needs some form of a database so that I or the computer in my brain can memorize all of them. At least earthen leaders have the decency to come dressed up in proper attire. Lunars, one man showed up in pyjamas to the cabinet meetings." She huffed and stopped to catch her breath.

Seeing that she was somewhat done with her ramble for the day, she groaned for what felt like the umpteenth time in the day.

"You have it bad, Cin, I absolutely agree but c'mon you have me and other people to complain to. Besides, how are you?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry to waste your time with my problems. I should not rant like this but my aristocrat citizens are chaotic and useless who loathe agreeing with me." She grumbled.

"You are not alone actually. Vargas and Camilla gave me a headache today but thanks to you I at least have one thing less to worry about"

"And that is?" she inquired.

"Letumosis and Levana, Cinder. How do you seem to forget that you are the revolutionary?" he teasingly asked. It was not like she was fetching compliments just because she was the one who killed Levana. The fact that she was the revolutionary often slipped from her mind if not for Thorne's remarks and a few graceful acknowledgements here and there.

"My court tells me otherwise!"

"Don't listen to those lunar fools, Cinder. You are THE revolutionary. Hero of the entire universe-"

"Stop praising me like some goddess" she cut off him shortly before he decided to go into a full-blown speech about how wonderful she was. Believe her; he had done that at the last annual Peace ball before everyone.

"Besides Emperor how could you call lunars fools before the Queen of Luna? You have lost your fine touch of diplomacy Kaito."

"Well just the way you called them and I quote 'obnoxious Lunars' before a few moments. And don't you worry I'm not losing my fine diplomatic touch anytime sooner. "He joked along.

"Good, it would be a shame if you did." She exclaimed adding to their playful banter.

Soon they fell into a comfortable silence. She had forgotten about her worries, for the time being, thanks to Kai and his very charismatic personality.

"How are you?"

"Uh?" he looked confused because of her out of the blue question.

"I meant how you are doing, like not the meetings and world leaders but just you!" she clarified. It was not likely of Cinder to generally indulge in talking about emotions with anyone. However, Kai had patiently listened to her ramble so she could hear his inner turmoil if any as well.

"Oh," He said for having nothing else to say. Taking his time to answer, he sighed, "I am good, maybe. I dunno, I have never been asked about just myself like this before. I am satisfied with my lot but responsibilities make me jittery. Even then I have Torin who assists me, I am so thankful for having him. Other than that I have a sickening feeling every time I have to attend meetings with world leaders. Yet I am happier in my place than ever before. I know this sounds weird and unintelligible- " He inhaled sharply, stopping in his track, bitting onto his lips.

"Don't worry, Kai. I completely understand the feeling." She assured him. He had completely moved into pessimism within few seconds. Behind the glorious facade of being royalty, sadness and despair are what remains hidden for a long time. Cinder completely understood how it felt to have everything yet feel unhappy about something that you could never have.

She had missed his moist copper-brown eyes but his swiftly moving to rub away the moisture from them did not go unnoticed.

"Hey, it's okay, Kai," she consoled.

She said in a comforting voice, wishing to be near him and just hug him tightly while he cries his heart out.

"No, no. I'm sorry I just feel like crap for a few days and I miss you." He mumbled, his voice becoming husky,

"I miss you too, Kai. I swear if I could come, I would have been near you in a heartbeat." She said, as her synthetic heart continued to long to touch him.

There was some commotion on his end.

"Your Majesty" someone called for him.

"Cinder, I'm sorry to end on a sad note but I have to go. I am fine, don't worry, I will call you tomorrow or maybe tonight, what time is it?" he asked.

"It's 2200 here."

"Okay, so I will call you tomorrow without fail, but sorry now that I have to leave. I am sorry to sadden you with all my feelings-"

"Stop apologizing, Kai. It's completely fine. Besides, it's okay to let it out from time to time."

He was called urgently by someone in the background; making him quicken his pace as he mumbled incoherent words to her.

"I miss you, call you back later. Love-" he said as the comm was ended by him. He had failed to complete his sentence and she contemplated if she should comm him again just to hear him finish his words. However, that would be a foolish thing to do when he seemed to be in so much hurry.

"Love you too, Kai." She said for the ears who would not hear it.

__

A/N: This was supposed to be fluff, but things took a new turn and I could not undo it. To be honest, I can't imagine Kai and Cinder going through their two years apart relationship without slipping 'I miss you' in  any and every conversations.

Your views will be very much appreciated! Be sure to like, reblog and comment if you like it! Tell me if you wanna be tagged!

[uomo-accattivante]

I recently came across a bunch of press articles and photos about Oscar Isaac that are so old, they appear to be out-of-print and pre-date social media. Considering they were probably never digitally transcribed for internet access, I’m guessing that the majority of current fans have never seen this stuff.

Even though a lot of these digital scans are challenging to read because they are the original fuzzy news print, I think there some gems worth sharing with you guys. Over the next several weeks, I will transcribe and share those gems on this page. Hope you enjoy them!

Let’s start with this fantastic 2001 profile piece done before Oscar was accepted into Juilliard:

South Florida’s rising star isn’t just acting the part

By Christine Dolen - cdolen@herald.com

February 4, 2001

As fifth-graders at Westminster Christian School in Miami, Oscar Isaac and his classmates were asked to write a story as if they were animals on Noah’s Ark. Oscar turned in a seven-page play – with original music – from the perspective of a platypus. Then he starred in the production his teacher directed.

He hasn’t stopped expressing himself creatively since. Today, Isaac is one of South Florida’s busiest young theater actors, and certainly its hottest. And not just because he’s a slender five-feet nine-inches tall with an expressively handsome face and glistening brown eyes.

Since making his professional debut as a Cuban hustler in Sleepwalkers at Area Stage in July 1999, he has played an explosive Vietnam vet in Private Wars for Horizons Repertory, a pot-smoking slacker in This Is Our Youth at GableStage, another Cuban on the make in Praying With the Enemy at the Coconut Grove Playhouse, the entrancing narrator of Side Man at GableStage, a Havana-based writer in Arrivals and Departures for the new Oye Rep and, most recently, a young Fidel Castro in When It’s Cocktail Time in Cuba at New York’s Cherry Lane Theater.

Beginning Wednesday, he’ll be juggling five roles in City Theatre’s annual Winter Shorts festival, first at the Colony Theatre in Miami Beach, then at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts. But that is not all: During the two weeks he is doing Winter Shorts, he’ll also be playing dates with the punk-ska band The Blinking Underdogs (www.blinkingunderdogs.com), which features him as lead singer, guitarist and songwriter.

Oh, and he just got back from auditioning for New York’s prestigious Juilliard School of Drama.

All this for a guy a month shy of his 22nd birthday.

Sure, you could hate a guy who’s that talented, that charismatic, that transparently ambitious. But the people who have worked with Oscar Isaac don’t. On the contrary, they’re all sure he has it – that magical, can’t-be-taught thing that transforms an actor into a star.

Playwright Eduardo Machado, who put in a good word for Isaac at Juilliard, says “he does have that star quality that makes your eyes go to him. It’s great that someone with that talent still wants to train.”

“He has a star quality that’s rare in a young actor,” adds Joseph Adler, who directed him in Side Man and This Is Our Youth. “Without a doubt I expect to be hearing great things from him.”

‘I JUST LOVE CREATING’

Isaac, who also makes short films, can’t say exactly why he was attracted to acting. He just knows it makes him happier than anything, that it’s what he was meant to do. And he’s been doing it since he was a 4-year-old putting on plays in his family’s backyard with his sister Nicole.

“I just love creating, whether it’s music or films or a character on a stage. I love taking people for a ride,” he says. “In Side Man, every night I would love being that close to the audience. I felt like I was talking to 80 of my closest friends.

“I could feel what the audience was feeling.”

His powerful, mournful-yet-loving monologue near the end of the play, he said, “worked every night. I knew it would get them. I’d hear sniffles.

“But it had less to do with me than with the atmosphere [created by the playwright and director].”

You could understand if Isaac, surrounded as he is by praise and possibility, had an ego as burgeoning as his career. Instead, he channels the positive reinforcement into confidence about his work.

“He has such a charm and an ease onstage, but he’s very modest,” says New York-based actress Judith Delgado, who shared the stage with Isaac in Side Man. “He’s hungry. He’s got moxie. I was blown away by him.

“He saved me a couple of times. I went up [forgot a line] and that baby boy of mine came through. He’s a joy.”

FORGING HIS OWN PATH

The son of a Cuban-American father and a Guatemalan mother, Isaac was never a stellar student. But he found ways of turning routine assignments – like the Noah’s Ark story – into creative challenges.

His science reports were inevitably video documentaries underscored with punk music. He acted through middle and high school, though he had a falling out with his drama teacher at Santaluces Community High in Lantana over his misgivings about a character. When she refused to cast him in anything else, he got his English teacher to let him play the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors his senior year.

His skepticism about authority and love of playing the devil’s advocate have long made him resist doing things the usual way. His post-high school “training” consisted of one semester at Miami-Dade Community College’s South Campus (where he met his girlfriend, Maria Miranda), touring schools playing an abusive character in the Coconut Grove Playhouse’s Breaking the Cycle, and working as a transporter of bodies at Baptist Hospital, where he absorbed the drama of people in emotionally intense situations.

“It was the most magnificent dramatic institute I could’ve attended,” Isaac said. “I was able to observe the entire spectrum of human emotion, people under the most extreme duress. I was mesmerized watching the way people interacted with each other in such heightened situations.

“I learned everything about the human condition, and it was real and harsh and brutally honest.”

Yet even given his propensity for forging his own path, something nudged him another direction while he was in New York making his Off-Broadway debut in December. Walking by Juilliard one day, he impulsively went in to ask for an application. Though the application deadline had passed, Isaac persuaded Juilliard to accept his, noting in his application essay that most of the exceptional actors he admires had acquired “a brutally efficient technique” to enhance their talent by studying at places like Juilliard.

Though he won’t know whether he has been accepted until the end of this month, his audition last weekend went well, he says. He did monologues from Henry IV, Part I and Dancing at Lughnasa, adjusting his Shakespearean Hotspur to a more fiery temperature at the suggestion of Michael Kahn, head of Juilliard’s acting program – though not without arguing that Hotspur wouldn’t be speaking to the king that way.

Isaac, not surprisingly, loves a good debate.

Adler, GableStage’s artistic director and a man who is as liberal as Isaac once was conservative, savored the verbal jousting they did during rehearsals for Side Man.

“He knows exactly how to pull my chain,” Adler says with a laugh. “Intelligence is the cornerstone of all great actors, and he’s bright as hell.

“He has relentless ambition but with so much charm. He’s very hard to say no to. He has incredible raw talent and magnetism that is very rare in a young actor along with relentless energy, perseverance and ambition. I see his growth both onstage and off. He’s mature in both places.”

Part of his growth, of course, will necessarily involve dealing with the rejections that are part of any actor’s life. His career is still too new, his string of successes solid, so it’s anyone’s guess how failure will shape him. But director Michael John Garcés, who picked him for When It’s Cocktail Time in Cuba after Isaac flew to New York at his own expense to compete with a pool of seasoned Manhattan actors for the role, believes his character will see him through.

“Oscar is realistic, but he’s so willing to go the whole nine yards,” Garcés says. “He didn’t go out when he was in the show here. His focus earned the respect of the other actors, some of whom have been working in New York for 30 years.

“He hasn’t had a lot of blows yet, when the career knocks the wind out of you. But he has talent, determination and focus, and if he has perseverance – my intuition is that he does have it – he could achieve a lot.”

FAMILY TIES

His father and namesake, Baptist Hospital intensive-care physician Oscar Isaac Hernandez, couldn’t be more proud. (Isaac doesn’t use the family surname in order to avoid, in his words, being “put in that Hispanic actor box.”)

“I’m ecstatic that he’s probably going to be going to the most prestigious drama school in the United States,” he says. “School will help him focus his energies and give him discipline. He’s got the raw material and the drive.”

Isaac’s mother, Maria, divorced from his father since 1992, is a kidney-transplant recipient who acknowledges that she’ll miss her son if he moves to New York. But, she adds, she wants him “to live out his dreams. He amazes me every day. He calls me every day. I’m very proud of him.”

Even the other guys in The Blinking Underdogs are fans of Isaac’s acting, though it could take him away from South Florida just as the band appears to be, Isaac says, on the brink of signing a recording deal (it has already put out its own CD, The Last Word, with songs, lead vocals and even cover photography by Isaac.

“Oscar’s the leader of the band, a great musician who amazes me and motivates us,” says sax player Keith Cooper. “I’ve been to see every one of his plays. He’s a phenomenal actor.

“I completely buy into his role in every play. As close as I am to him, I forget it’s Oscar.”

His South Florida theater colleagues credit that to Isaac’s insatiable desire to learn and grow.

Gail Garrisan, who is directing him in Donnie and One of the Great Ones for Winter Shorts, observes, “It’s not often that you find a young actor who is willing to listen and who doesn’t think he knows everything. He loves the work.

“He really brought the young man in Side Man to life. When I saw it in New York, it seemed to be the father’s play. When I saw it here, I felt it was his [Isaac’s] play.”

Oye Rep’s John Rodaz, whom Isaac calls “the best director I’ve ever worked with,” gave the actor his first important job in Sleepwalkers at Area Stage. They met when Isaac came to see Area’s production of Oleanna and the actor, knowing Rodaz ran the theater, introduced himself.

“He has so much energy and such a sparkling personality,” Rodaz says. “He knows how to move in the world. He seems to take advantage of every situation in a good way; he’s not a cold, calculating person who’ll stab you in the back.

“[But] he wants it so badly. Everything he does, he’s the leader. When I was 21, I was taking naps.”

Rodaz coached Isaac on his Juilliard monologues and found the experience energizing.

“I got chills just watching him. That happens so rarely. I was so exhilarated when I came home that I just had to go out and run. You just know he’s got all the tools.”

Christine Dolen is The Herald’s theater critic.

###

[lonelyreputation]

Caught

A/N:  Hello hello! Here’s some (more) fluff!! Who am I? But anyway, I wrote this from this sensory request and it was actually the first request I GOT ON THIS BLOG (!!!) so I'm so sorry that it’s coming so late!! But I’ll always remember this request bc it was the first🥺 

Anywaayyyy thank you all so much for reading, sending me the nicest messages, reblog-ing, and requesting prompts!! I get so much motivation from you all it’s insane!! Thank you!! I appreciate every single one of you!!

PROMPT: Licking your fingers while eating Cheetos

Chat Chat Chat | MASTERLIST

Warnings: One (1) swear word & a bit of a heated make out session😶

Word Count: 3.9K

Being a twenty-year-old and playing sold out shows in stadiums around the world was abnormal.  But what was more abnormal was that the twenty-year-old who spent most of his time on a tour bus than in his own apartment was your boyfriend.  Not many people could say that their boyfriend was in Amsterdam one day and then Paris the next.  

Shawn had spent spring in Europe on a tourbus and hotel rooms, and his summer wasn’t much different, except for the fact that he was on his North American leg of the tour.  He had convinced you to come traveling across America; it was more in your budget and convenient with your university schedule.

Every now and then, Shawn would have some down time, but it wasn’t very often.  He kept apologizing whenever he was pulled away and promised to spend time with you more.  But you didn’t mind.  Shawn had given you a front seat to his career and everything it entails.  And it was fascinating.  You would be in one city and everyone would already be advancing for a show that was two weeks away.  The precision and detail of obscure jobs that some crew had gone over your head in the past, but seeing all the mechanics of everything that goes on for the show to happen…it made you appreciate Shawn’s performances even more.

You had gotten fairly close with Shawn’s head of tour merchandiser, Dane, and often found yourself helping him set up the merchandise stands when Shawn was off at a meet and greet, sound check, or wherever Andrew had pulled him away to.  

“Are you playing in the little soccer match they have going on later today?” You asked Dane as you carried over a large brown cardboard box. 

He held up a finger to you as he finished up his count in of tour posters and typed it on a tour merchandise app on his phone, “Yeah, you?”

You shook your head as you used a key to tear through the sealed box.  Once the tape that held the box together was ripped, you opened the four flaps and saw that you were counting in some sweatshirts.  Silently, you counted ten sweatshirts, put them in a pile on the side with a sticky note on top with a number ten circled and then counted out another ten sweatshirts. 

“I’ve never been good with hand eye coordination,” you didn’t look up at him as you continued to count ten sweatshirts, “I’ve always been better at cheering people on from the sides.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed.”

You had just finished circling a ten on a neon green sticky note as you capped the sharpie and looked at Dane, “You’ve noticed?”

Dane nodded with a smile on his face as he hung up a piece of paper with a blown up image of a keychain; he stuck a large sticker with the price of the keychain on the corner of the paper.  He hung it up on the black tapestry so that way fans would be able to see it before they got up to the front of the merchandise line.

“You’re always there for Shawn when he walks on and off stage.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go to the bathroom when he’s performing.”

You blushed as you finished counting the last of the sweatshirts in the box you carried in, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“He loves it,” Dane took a t-shirt and clipped the sleeves of it to the top of the tapestry, “The week before you came he literally wouldn’t shut up––Y/n’s coming next week, did you know?  I just love her so much!  I miss her so much!”

You bunched up a t-shirt and threw it at Dane as he miserably failed at impersonating Shawn’s voice, “He didn’t say that.”

“Ask him yourself.”

“Oh, I––“

“Ask who yourself?”

You spun your head around and came face to face with your boyfriend.  You smiled at him and threw another balled up shirt at Dane.

“Hey!  That’s merchandise we’re selling tonight!”

You waved Dane off and rested your hands on your hips, “Before I came on tour were you non-stop going around telling people I was coming and saying how much you love me and saying how much you missed me?”

Shawn still had a slight smile on his face as he gazed at you.  His facial expression hadn’t changed since he walked up behind you, so you thought you had proved Dane wrong, but that wasn’t the case when Shawn spoke up.

He shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah, why?” He spoke as if it that information was public knowledge.

Before you had the chance to say anything, you felt a soft material collide with the back of your head.  Your head slightly jerked forward from the contact of the t-shirt that was just thrown at you.  You quickly picked the shirt off the dusty ground and glared at Dane, “This is merchandise that you’re selling tonight.”

Dane barked out a laugh as he finished setting up the merchandise display.  He stood back and admired his work for a few seconds before informing Shawn he was going to check on the other stands and make sure everyone else on the merchandise team had completed their count in.  They did some sort of bro handshake, before telling one another that they’d see each other shortly for the soccer game.

Shawn walked up to your side and threw an arm over your shoulder.  You leaned your head back on his shoulder and looked up at him, “Excited for the match?”

“Yeah, just wish you were playing.”  

Your eyes closed as Shawn lightly traced circles on your upper arm with the tips of his fingers.  Shivers ran down your spine as you closed your eyes, “You’ve seen me play.”

Shawn let out a laugh as he started walking, guiding you around the main floor of the arena, “Even though it is probably a good idea that you’re not playing, it still would’ve been fun to be on the same team.”

You let out a snort as you snaked a hand around his back to pinch his hip.  Shawn lightly jerked away from you before he tickled your shoulder in retaliation, “I’d make sure we’d be on separate teams.”

“Is that so?”

You hummed in response and let the conversation die down.  Whenever a crew member passed, you offered a smile and Shawn greeted them by name.  Seeing the dynamic he had with his crew was heartwarming because you had read of horror stories of main acts being absolute divas to their crew members.

Shawn led you backstage as the two of you wandered into his dressing room.  You sat on the couch as he went over to a little duffle bag he packed just for the soccer game.  Carefully, you watched him as he bent over, staring at how his shoulder blades could be seen through his white t-shirt as he rummaged through the bag.  

Swiftly, he tore his white shirt off and you were graced with a second of seeing your boyfriend’s muscles.  The sight didn’t last long because Shawn threw his t-shirt at your face.  You scrunched your nose up at the slightly sweaty smell mixed in with his signature scent. 

“Hey!”

It only took you a second to throw the shirt off your face, but it was a second too long because Shawn was already in a vintage t-shirt and sliding on a pair of athletic shorts up past his thighs.

“That’s not fair,” you whined.

Shawn threw his head back in laughter as he picked up his sneakers.  He walked over to where you sat on the couch, picked up your legs without any hesitation, and as he sat down on the couch, he rested your calves on his thighs.

He hunched over your legs as you watched him slide his sneakers on and tie them up. The position couldn’t have been comfortable, but he managed to get his sneakers on without complaining for you to move your legs.  And you weren’t complaining about the physical contact your legs had with his thighs.

Once he was done tying his shoes, he sat up and stretched his back, a few pops emitted from his body and you flinched, not liking the sounds of bones cracking together.

Shawn rested his hands on your knees as he leaned his head on top of the couch cushion, eyes closed he said, “I don’t wanna play.”

A small chuckle left your lips, “That’s a lie.”

He turned his head slightly towards you and opened one eye, “Yeah, I do wanna play,” he let out a sigh, “but sitting here with you is so nice.”

A loud laugh escaped your lips as you looked over at him, both of his eyes now opened and intently staring at you with adoration.

“We’re literally doing nothing.”

“As long as I’m with you,” he lifted his shoulders up in a shrug, “I don’t care what we’re doing.”

Your heart skipped a beat and you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face.  Truth is, you loved doing nothing with him.  You savored the days when all Shawn wanted to do was spend all day tangled in your bedsheets.  You adored the days when you would sit on your couch reading a book––in a similar position to how you were sitting now––and Shawn would be hunched over scribbling lyrics down in a journal, using your legs as a writing surface.

You leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “Too sweet.”

“Uh huh,” Shawn grumbled as he pointed to his lips with his index finger, “I want a real kiss.”

You pretended to think about it for a moment before swinging a leg over his lap, adjusting your knees on either side as you straddled him.  Shawn’s hands instantly moved with your body as they landed on your waist.  Unlike your hands that were pressed flat on his chest, Shawn’s hands slowly rubbed your lower back and come back around to your waist.

The only thing more heavenly than his touch was the feeling of his kiss.

Shawn craned his neck up to reach your teasing smile and captured your lips in a sweet kiss.  Your smile was slow to disappear; being in Shawn’s presence was a reason for you to  smile in itself, but once he pinched your hips silently telling you to focus on kissing him, you thought that was a good enough reason to stop smiling.

Your hands trailed up Shawn’s chest until they rounded his neck.  He hummed as he pulled you closer to his chest and your fingers began to play with the small curls on the nape of his neck.  He tilted his head to deepen the kiss at the same time his hands tightly balled up the bottom of your shirt.  He lifted your shirt at a painstakingly slow pace to the point where you wanted to rip it off yourself.

Shawn had the shirt bunched up right under your bra.  Breaking the kiss, you leaned back, untangled your arms from around his neck and raised them over your head to aid Shawn in taking your shirt off.  Once the shirt was off, he carelessly threw it somewhere behind you, and without any hesitation, Shawn reattached his lips to yours as you felt a magnetic pull bring you closer to him.

His calloused fingertips were hot on your bare skin as they danced around.  

Just as you lowered your body to grind against his, a loud single knock, followed by a Shawn, caused both of your heads to snap toward the door.  Shawn practically threw you off him as he looked for your shirt––for anything––to cover up your exposed chest.  

You were leaning back against the arm rest of the couch, trying to calm down your erratic breathing, as you watched Shawn’s eyes widened as the door handle rattled.  It looked as if Shawn threw every ounce of common sense out the window as he threw a pillow that hit you in the face.

You clutched the pillow in your hands as you briefly looked down at it, and then back to Shawn, realizing what he wanted you to do with it, “I’m not––“

“Use it, Y/n––“

“Shawn!”

Your harsh whispers were cut off when Dane walked carelessly into the room.  The pillow was still limp in your hands; in shock that Dane came into the room with little announcement.  Shawn took notice of your chest still out for Dane to see––if he hadn’t seen it already––and with panicked eyes, he flung himself from the other end of the couch to lay on top of you.

You let out an oof as you felt Shawn’s full body weight collapsed on you; the pillow nestled between your stomachs.  You had never complained about Shawn being on top of you, but with this position, the arm of the couch was digging into your back and you and causing you to cramp up.  

“Shawn,” Dane said his name again as he continued to walk further into the dressing room, “Are you gonna come and warm up? The game starts in–––Oh.”

You tried to peak over Shawn’s shoulder to gauge Dane’s facial expression, but with the way Shawn was pressed up against you, you couldn’t see him.  But from the suggestive tone of his voice, you knew that teasing would be soon to follow.

“Am I interrupting something?”

You squeaked out a not at all as Shawn let out a frustrated of fucking course.

You smacked Shawn’s back with his hand at his crude response.

Dane let out a bellowing laugh, “How ya feeling down there, y/n?”  You heard his footsteps come closer and your hands clutched the fabric of Shawn’s shirt out of nervousness, “This is pure gold.  Andrew has said that he’s never caught you two in the middle of doing something––I, of course, called total bull on that––and I’m so happy to have caught you two.”

“Dane,” You said as you drug out the vowels in his name.

His laughter rumbled through the room.  Even though Dane was the person you were closest to on Shawn’s crew, it was still embarrassing to have been caught in a compromising position with your boyfriend.  It felt like you were fifteen.

“I’ll be out in ten,” Shawn answered.

Dane’s laughter died down as you heard his footsteps carry themselves back over towards the door, “I’ll put a timer on, Oh, and Y/n––“ you could hear the smirk on his lips, “––I hope to see you on the sidelines, preferably with a shirt on.”

You dug your head into the crook of Shawn’s neck as you felt all of the blood rush to your face.  Your hands were still tightly hanging onto the back of Shawn’s shirt for the next few minutes as he stayed in his position on top of you.

“At least it was Dane?”

At his weak attempt of lightening up the mood, you pushed him off and sat up on the couch, “At least?! He saw me without a shirt!”

“I covered you up!”

You shot a glare toward his direction as you got up from the couch and searched for your shirt.  It was crumpled up in a ball on the coffee table.  You let out a deep sigh, of course your shirt was thrown somewhere that was obvious.  Lifting the shirt up by the sleeves, you frowned as you examined all of the wrinkles.

“Here,” Shawn was already walking over to his duffle bag, “You can wear my shirt––“

“I’m––No,” you answered him as you tugged on your shirt, “I’d rather wear a wrinkled shirt than have Dane point out that I’m in one of your shirts.”

“But––“

“Let’s go,” you were a few steps away from the door as you held your hand out for him to take, “I want to pick a snack from the vending machine before the game.”

Shawn let out a sigh and grumbled something about how he loved seeing you in his shirts, but he still took ahold of your hand. The two of you walked out the dressing room as you pressed a kiss to his cheek.  A small smile overtook his face.

The two of you walked toward the backstage part of the arena where the vending machines were held.  You brought up a finger to your chin, debating on what snack to pick, as the vending machine lights illuminated your face.  Once you decided what snack you wanted, you pressed a knuckle to the letter L and then to the number 3.

You watched with excitement as the circular black rings slowly pushed your snack forward.  And then as it was finally tipping over the edge, you smiled as the bag fell with a soft fmmp as it reached the bottom of the machine.  You let go of Shawn’s hand to retrieve your snack from under the plastic black flap.

“Cheetos?” Shawn questioned just as you stood up and opened up the bag with a loud crinkle, “If I’d known you’d want Cheetos, I could’ve like added it to my rider and it would’ve been in the dressing room for you.”

You shrugged your shoulders as you held out the bag, offering your Cheetos to Shawn.  He dug his hand into the bag and took one out.  He popped it into his mouth with a loud crunch as he closed his eyes, “God, it’s been forever since I’ve had these.”

Shawn led you out of the vending machine room as you continued to share your Cheetos with him, “I remember having them as a snack after soccer games,” you shared, “You know how parents would sign up to bring snacks after games? I feel like every parent would buy that big value size pack of like twenty-four different chips, and I––“ you licked your fingers that were covered in Cheeto dust, “––Always picked Cheetos.”

Shawn tilted his head back in laughter as he pushed open a back exit door and held it open for you to walk through, “I was always more of a Fritos guy.”

You scrunched your nose up, “Fritos?”

“They’re good!” Shawn defended himself as the people from the tour crew, who were playing in the soccer match, came into view, “Don’t knock ‘em ’til you try ‘em.”

You scoffed, “There are literally dozens of other chips you could chose from,” you stopped walking when you and Shawn came up to the sideline his ‘team’ was on, “Doritos, Lays, Chex Mix––“

“Hey, Y/n!” Your eyes widened as you heard Dane yell out your name.  His feet hit the pavement hard as he ran over, “Glad you could make it––fully clothed.”  While he was talking in a calm soft voice, not raising it to cause suspicion, it still made Andrew’s head perk up.

“You caught them?” Andrew looked up from tying his shoes at Dane.

You blushed as Shawn’s manager looked between the two of you and then back at Dane as you tried to defend yourself, “He didn’t really see anything––“

“See any of what?” Brian had jogged over and started to stretch, lunging on his left leg as he reached down to touch the toes on his right foot.

“It was nothing––“

“Just Shawn and Y/n going at it in the dressing room,” Dane shrugged as he gave you a wink, “Boyfriend, girlfriend stuff.”

Andrew’s shoulders slumped as he reached over to his bag and pulled out a ten dollar bill and handed it to Dane, “I’m his day-to-day,” Andrew grumbled, “Can’t believe it was the merchandise manager who caught you two first.”

You stood there dumfounded, hand frozen in your bag of Cheetos.  You and Shawn kept your relationship as private as possible––private from the media, your social medias, and made sure to keep your PDA to a minimum when you visited him on tour.  So it was a bit comical to see how intrigued Andrew and Dane were in catching the two of you.

Brian straightened up from his stretching and held a fist out toward Shawn, “Sweet, man––Just like Denver last tour?”

Your bag of Cheetos dropped to the ground, the little you had left of your snack spilled, covering the pavement with an artificial orange color.  You felt the heat of your oncoming blush rise up to your cheeks.  With Brian being Shawn’s best friend, you had an inclination that he knew some––if not most––of your sexual relationship with Shawn.  Which you were fine with because you told your best friend almost everything.

But it was always a topic you never discussed between the two of you.  It was mutually understood that while you talked to your best friend’s about each other, you would never talk about it directly to each other.  Shawn talked to Brian about you; You talked to your best friend about Shawn.  But never would your best friend bring it up in front of Shawn.  And never––did you think––Brian would bring it up in front of you.

The same thought seemed to be stirring within Shawn’s head as his eyes widened for a second.  He was only shocked for a split second more before he let out a chuckle and returned the fist bump to Brian and chose to ignore his comment about what happened Denver, “Thanks, man.” 

“Thanks man?!” You turned to face Shawn who had an amused smirk on his face.  

You weren’t mad at the display of masculinity in front of you, in fact, you saw the humor in it, but it was still embarrassing having your boyfriend be congratulated in front of you for hooking up.

The sound of a high pitch whistle echoed off the pavement.  With the sound of the start whistle, and players heading toward the makeshift field, it took away any chance you had of laying into Shawn more.  

Brian ran away laughing, escaping the choice words you had for him, which just left you with Shawn.  You crossed your arms over your chest stubbornly and tore your head away from Shawn as he lifted a finger under your chin to try and get you to look at him.

“Good luck kiss?”

With a playful sigh, you leaned up on your tip toes to press a peck to Shawn’s smile.  His eyes were still closed when you pulled away and his smile grew wider, “You love me.”

“Unfortunately,” you said as you couldn’t fight Shawn’s contagious smile, “I love you a lot.”

Shawn let out a laugh as a few people hollered at him to come over, “How unfortunate for me,” he pressed another quick kiss to your lips before he started to walk backwards toward the game that had started without him, “Are you free tonight?”

You leaned your weight on your left leg as you tapped a finger on your cheek, “Hm…I’m watching my boyfriend sing at a little show,” Shawn stopped walking backwards, his full attention on you, and showed all his teeth in a grin, “But I’m free after.”

“It’s a date,” Shawn said before he spun around and ran toward the soccer ball.

[writeblrfantasy]

a king and his knight 2 | part 1

all was bliss between the king and the knight for a long time. the kingdom was stronger with the king to protect it and the knight to protect him. the knight heard whispers at times from jealous citizens or knights who didn’t understand why the king had chosen him, they probably didn’t know or just didn’t care to remember that the knight was the only one of his kind left after the slaughter, and certainly none of them knew just how long the knight’s devotion had lasted. they wondered what was so different from the duties the knight performed for the king to the duties of the others.

needless to say, these stirrings saddened the knight, and so when it was announced that a champion from each surrounding kingdom would participate in a competition, a quest of the hardest trials in the name of the one they loved most, the knight knew what he had to do.

the king loved the idea of the tournament. “some young knight will be able to win over anyone they desire,” he said, smiling. “who wouldn’t want the one who endures such a quest for them?”

“not you, i hope,” the knight said. “i’m entering.”

the king laughed. “darling, you already have my love. why on earth would you want to do this?” he smiled, clearly thinking the knight was joking.

the knight took his hands. “there have been whispers that i’m not worthy of you. i want to quell them.”

the king shook his head, smile disappearing. “why do their opinions matter? we built this kingdom back up by ourselves. they have no say on us.”

“think of it as keeping the peace,” the knight said. “and perhaps to salvage my pride. and perhaps because i wouldn’t mind bringing you that honor. great gifts for the token beloved are the prize at the end of the quest, or so i’ve heard.”

“you don’t need to put yourself in danger for me. i don’t want to lose you.”

the knight kissed the top of his head, wrapping his arms around the king and swaying them slightly back and forth. “you’ll never lose me. as long as there is still breath in my body, i will be alive to protect you.”

“it’s not the protection i’ll miss, you fool. it’s you. i love you.”

the knight’s breath still hitched “then as long as there is breath in my body, i will be alive to love you.”

the king’s cool hand on the back of his neck pulling him down into a soft kiss reminded him why he was doing this.

~

the knight’s entry into the tournament was met with grumbling and questions. normally those who didn’t already have lovers entered these tournaments. there was no rule saying those who did couldn’t, but.

the knight ignored every stare and glare he got, checking the buckles of his armor and putting his helmet on. the king had fussed over him that morning, helping him put on his armor, doing all the things squires usually did except with much more touching and kissing than was strictly necessary.

eight knights, soldiers and guards gathered around in gleaming armor, shields, seated on fine horses, the best each of their kingdoms could provide. the court games master of the eastern kingdom who’d had the idea for this event read out some official message from a scroll, but the knight’s eyes were locked on the king, standing in the doorway of the castle, mouthing be safe.

the knight already missed him, and he knew it’d be a constant itch at him the entire time, the need to protect and have the king in his sights overwhelming. but he told himself he was doing this to see the king’s reaction when he gave him the gifts he’d work so hard for, and he’d prove everyone wrong who thought he was undeserving of the king’s affection. he’d show them all just how much the king meant to him.

the first stirrings of nerves began to replace his passion and determination as the games master gave them each a direction to go to, a vague goal to reach. fight the guard of the bridge. pick the right flower. loot the temple.

the knight’s was simply face the tower. at least he knew he had to go west.

he set out on the lonely road with only his horse and his bag of provisions for company, refusing to look back at the king’s sad smile.

he rode for days, never coming across anything but open land, forests, and the occasional town. he found more little abandoned huts to take shelter in and built his own shelter where there were none. he was a knight, he shouldn’t have minded the discomfort of life in the wilderness on the hard ground, but he’d grown soft after so many knights in the king’s large bed with the king tucked into him to warm it.

his dreams every night were blessed with the king’s face, sweet words he’d whispered in the past and sweet words the knight knew he’d say now if the knight asked. he hadn’t been away from the king in a long, long time. all he could think about was returning to him, but not before he’d gotten the spoils to prove himself.

the knight went past the ocean he’d toiled to get to a year or so ago, into another forest, out of the forest, and finally, finally, he saw a tower. a tall stone thing without a soul in sight. the knight didn’t trust it.

he tied his horse to a tree at the edge of the forest and drew his sword, advancing cautiously. face the tower. this wouldn’t be easy. he didn’t want it to be.

“who dares approach my tower?” boomed a voice. the knight looked around wildly, laying eyes on a giant knight leaning out of the window of the tower. or maybe a queen, he thought, as he saw the crown on the woman’s head. she climbed down the stairs of the tower with loud bootsteps, and the size of the sword she drew when she was at the bottom made the knight shiver.

a fight. a duel. he could do that. he was the captain of the knights, senior knight, responsible for training those who hadn’t trained each other. he was used to fighting knights, he’d taken apart their moves and helped them improve, and learned techniques used in other corners of the kingdom. he could do this.

the other knight didn’t waste any time on talk, just leapt forward with her sword and attacked. she was powerful, and her sword was huge with obnoxious reach, but the knight saw right away that she had no finesse. she couldn’t dodge and weave neatly out of the way faster than he could. the fight didn’t last longer than a minute, with the knight mostly dodging the queen? knight’s? aggressive swings and taking his chance when she had to pause for breath.

the long sword would end him it it cut him, but she got it stuck in the ground and had to waste precious seconds pulling it free while the knight could attempt to swing at her. he cut her a few times, but she was always fast enough to knock him back with the blunt end of her sword, knocking his breath out of him.

the third such time this happened, the knight summoned a burst of energy with the reminder of why he was putting himself through this, who for, and imagined the king was watching from a safe distance out of harm’s way as he knocked the queen to the ground. the knight had competed in small local tournaments before, hosted in a nearby arena, where the knights from their castle competed with favors of their loved ones on their wrists, usually with something simple like jousting. the knight would look up at his king after every win, eagerly awaiting the proud smile and blown kiss he’d receive. he imagined he was there now, watching his king clap with everyone else.

“mercy?” he asked the queen, trying to sound intimidating but too breathless to do so.

“mercy,” she said, her eyes filled with interest instead of angry passion. she accepted the hand he offered to her feet. only, he stumbled with her weight on his hand, and as adrenaline began to leave his body, he realized he’d been hurt in the leg. he quickly sat down before his leg could buckle. he felt wet blood soaking through his trousers. she must’ve gotten through a gap in his armor without him noticing.

“let’s tend to that,” the queen said, regaining her own breath. “come inside.” the way she drew her sword, and the grim way she looked at the tower, had the knight believing this wasn’t over. the queen had been only his first test.

he pictured his king’s warm eyes and found he could breathe a little easier. he limped after his new ally, his own sword drawn, praying for something other than a trap and certain death. 

shorts taglist: @magic-is-something-we-create @lunarmoment @missingpeace

let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

god i love me a championship story, i had just watched mcc before starting to write this so i was in that mood lol

i wasn’t vibing with the poor and savior story, though i will certainly get back to that, don’t worry!! just wanted to write some more of these precious boys <3

also i wrote that knight fight like a videogame boss sequence i am not sorry

[argyle-s]

On Supercorp

So, I am aware that, among certain circles, I have a bit of a reputation as an “anti”.  Anti-Supercorp, Anti-Lena.  I’ll admit, the reputation is well deserved.  I have, over the past few months, made a lot of anti-Lena posts.  Since Septemper 25 of this year, I have posted more than two hundred posts with the “anti lena luthor” tag.

Now, I’ve never really been a quiet fan.  Even before I started making posts tagged anti lena luthor, I was on the Sunshine Protection Force’s block list, because I dared to make a meme for a ship that Vv doesn’t approve of as a gift for a friend.  I once dared to point out that Kara was more likely to go to Alex with a question about something she didn’t understand, and got called a ‘granny stanning fuck’.  I got harassed to the point of taking down one of my fics because a bunch of teenagers in the Sanvers fandom didn’t like me writing about Alex and Maggie engaging in self destructive behavior.  Oh, and I had dared to write posts criticizing Lena’s behavior.

But why the sudden, vehement dislike of Lena and the Supercorp ship?

In order to explain that, I have to explain a bit about who I am.  I am a 43 year old bisexual trans woman.  I transitioned about 2 months after my 42 birthday.  I grew up in a deeply religious, homophobic, transphobic home.  My grandmother and her second husband were my primary care takes for the time I was about 6 months old, until he died when I was 16.  I finally managed to move out when I was about 21.  By the time I moved out of my grandmother’s house, I was already involved with a woman who was ten years older than me.

I was abused for the first 34 years of my life.  First by my Grandmother and her husband, then by my intimate partner.  When I was a child, I got the full buffet.  Mental, emotional and physical abuse.  My Grandmother liked wire and plastic fly swatters.  Her husband liked leather belts, his firsts, and on one notable occasion, a buck knife.  I at various times watched him try to murder one of my uncles with said knife, and try to choke my brother to death.  He was a prescription drug addict, and his moods were as unpredictable as his choice of drugs each morning.  I met my ex, who was my first girlfriend, when I was 19 and she was 29.  She spent two years grooming me.  We first slept together when I was 21 and she was 31.  We were together for 13 years, and the best thing I can say about her is that she never hit me.  The physical abuse stopped when I was sixteen and my grandmother’s husband died, but not being hit doesn’t mean that twenty-two years of my life weren’t filled with horrible abuse and violence.

I eventually escaped.  I got lucky.  My brother got remained to an abuse survivor, and the more she and I interacted, the more she picked up on the signs of abuse.  It took her years to coax me into standing up for myself, and when I finally did, when I finally stood up to my ex and said ‘you’re abusing me’ she immediately threw me out.  It was honestly the kindest thing she’d ever done for me.  She literally released me from the promises and commitment I had made to her, and let me walk away from the hellscape of that life with a clean conscience.

I walked away, but not without lasting injury, and permanent scars.  I have depression, anxiety, CPTSD and an eating disorder.  I’ve spent long periods of my life dealing with suicidal tendencies.  And I was, at the time I walked away, a 34 year old closeted trans woman.

What does all of that have to do with Supercorp you ask?

Pretty much everything.

Kara Zor-El has been my favorite Superhero since I was about 8 years old and say the Helen Slater movie for the first time.  Up until that point, Superman has held the crown, but I felt a much deeper connection to Kara than I ever did as Clark.  It would be decades before I really understood why she resonated so strongly, but my love for Kara has always been there.

Then 2015 rolled around, and Supergirl premiered, and I was blown away.  This was a version of Kara that I connected with so much more deeply that any other version.  This was everything I had ever wanted.  I fell in love with the show, and with Kara Danvers.  I felt a kinship and a connection to the character at the time in my life when I was struggling deeply with depression and anxiety.

As ridiculous as it may sound, Supergirl was a lifeline.  The show filled me with so much hope that I could survive, that I could make it.  Kara was a roll model.  She’s been through something horrible, and she came out of it and all she wanted to do was help.  And no matter how hard things were, no matter how cruel the world was to her, she still had hope, she still had strength, and she still did everything she could to help.

I came out the summer between the first season and the second.  Told the world that I am bisexual, that I have gender disphoria.  I did it in the wake of the Pulse Shooting.

A few weeks later, I got Kara’s symbol tattooed on my arm.  Below it are Cat Grant’s words.  “Hope in Stronger Than Fear.”  I did it as a reminder to myself.

Then season two started.

I admit, I didn’t pay much attention to Lena at first.  Cat, who I loved was gone, and I was swept up in Alex’s coming out storyline.  Lena was just kind of there.  I didn’t really connect to her.  But what I did see...  It bothered me.  The alien detector storyline in her second episode left a sour taste in my mouth.  The fact that she put Kara's life on the line by telling Lillian that Kara was investigating her.  It wasn't really until the end of Ace Reporter (2x18) that I really noticed just how uncomfortable her character made me.  There was something about that final scene between her and Kara that just didn't sit right.  Looking back, I think it's because that's the first time (at least that I remember) that Lena shifts the responsibility for her behavior onto Kara.  It's subtle, it's all the in the subtext of what she's saying, but it's there.

The next disturbing moment is in 3x02, and the confrontation between Kara and Lena.  Kara sets a boundary.  She tells Lena the problem she is having in personal, and that she doesn't want to talk about it at work.  Lena, instead of respecting that boundary, instead of backing off, immediately punishes Kara for daring to not share every detail of her life.  Yes, Kara was not doing her job, but Lena's obviously knew Kara was having issues, and she came down on Kara the way she did to punish her for having boundaries and feelings.

From there, Lena's actions towards Kara get more and more questionable, and I will not go through and innumerate all of them.  I've done so in a number of other posts.  But there is a slow but steady building of a pattern of abuse between Lena and Kara, with Lena as the abuser and Kara as the victim.  It gets progressively worse.  The pattern is clear.  Lena expects Kara to be completely emotionally available to her at all times.  She feels entitled to Kara's every thought and feeling.  She expects and allows Kara to perform all the emotional labor in the relationship.  And any time Kara doesn't to all of this, any time Kara sets a boundary, or isn't available at Lena's whim, Lena punishes Kara for it.  The clearest example of this, prior to the Lex reveal, was in American Dreamer (4x19) when Lena lays into Kara for not being there for her.

And ultimately, that's what is going on in season 5.  All of Season 5 so far, with the exception of Crisis, is Lena's attempt to punish Kara for not making every single part of her life available to Lena.  And there is a dangerous level of escalation to Lena's abuse that we see, even before the season starts. In the preview, we see that there is a clear desire, on Lena's part, to physically harm Kara.  It wouldn't actually be the first time.  Lena allows Kara to get hurt by not telling her that the forcefield will hurt her if she uses her x-ray vision on it back in The Fanatical (3x19).  It's a horrible moment, but I'm not including it in the pattern of abuse directed towards Kara, because at the time, Lena didn't know Supergirl and Kara were the same person.  I realize some people are going to point out that what was say in the VR simulations were just that, simulations, but Lena does, eventually, especalate to physical abuse in Tremors (5x07) when she cages Kara in ice and exposes her to Kryptonite.

Now that I've laid out all the back story here, let's address the original question.  Why am I so vehemently anti lena luthor and anti supercorp?

Because watching Kara and Lena's relationship feels very much like watching the nightmare of my relationship with my ex play out in front of my eyes.  The slow escalation of abuse.  The gaslighting.  The punishment for having feelings.  The inability of Kara to hold any part of her life back from Lena without being punished for her.  Kara is one of my favorite characters in all of fiction.  She has been for 35 years.  I feel a personal connection and kinship to her, and watching her be abused so badly and so long, until we get an entire episode like The Wrath of Rama Khan (5x08) where she sounds like nothing so much as a battered woman defending her abuser, is painful.  But worse than that, watching the Supercorp fandom glorify and romanticize it, watching then take delight in "the angst", is horrifying.

Kara is being abused by Lena, and the Supercorp fandom is out there cheering Lena on.  They are claiming that the abuse is absolutely justified by the fact that Kara kept a secret.  They are baying for the escalation of violence against Kara by Lena.

It's disgusting.  It is.

I don't expect this post to change the minds of the Supercorp die hards or the Lena die hards.  But there are people in this fandom who are going to see the fandom holding up Kara and Lena and screaming 'relationship goals'.  I hope they see this post, because there are people out there who genuinely need to hear that the dynamic between Kara and Lena isn't health, it isn't okay, it's nothing to be emulated or envied.  The relationship between Kara and Lena is sick, and toxic, and abusive.  If anyone *ever* treats you the way Lena treats Kara.  Run.  I don't care what you've promised them.  I don't care what committments you made.  Run.  Just run.

Because that kind of abuse will wear you down, it well tear you apart.  It will make you long for death.  It will make you dream of putting a gun in your mouth.

I know.  Because it did all of that to me.

That's why I have two hundred plus posts tagged anti lena luthor.

But I'm not tagging this one that way, because it's not hating on a character to tell the truth.  And the truth is, Lena Luthor is an abuser, and she's a villain.

[nctxnation]

A Haunting in Neo City

➳ Pairing: Renjun x Reader 

➳ Genre: Romance | Buzzfeed Unsolved AU

➳ Word Count: 4.8k

➳ Warnings: Mild Language

➳ “Of all the problems and complications in my life, I had not expected love to be one of them.” ― Stacie Evans

You spun around in your chair, eyes tired of seeing the screen after finally finishing another article. The coffee mug next to you, empty, and your brain still sleep deprived and sluggish.

“You look like shit.”

You groaned, pressing send on the computer and turning to see your partner in crime, or more like partner in the occult and crime. 

“Hello, to you too, Renjun,” You flicked a paper clip at him and he rolled his eyes as it bounced off his chest. “I’m just tired. Yeri and the girls’ invited me out for dinner last night.”

“Fun,” He grinned, jumping onto your desk, knocking papers to the side. “All I did last night was see how many pens Jisung could stuff in his mouth, nine, by the way.”

“I’m guessing you have some news for me,” Your eyes zeroed in on the stack of papers in his hands. “Let me guess a cursed doll that terrorizes its owners?”

“Been there, done that, remember?” He smiled down at you, eyes brightening at the prospect of a new adventure. Your heart fluttered at the eagerness in his tone and the sparkle of his eyes, “We’re going out to Neo City to scope out the Evermore Woods, aka the Haunted Woods of Neo City. There’s supposedly haunted cabins and we might just end up possessed, you in?” 

Of course, you were in. You’d follow Renjun anywhere, he didn’t know that. You sure as hell didn’t want to submit to the sheer embarrassment and awkwardness that would ensue after disclosing your romantic feelings to your coworker and closest friend. 

“Do I have a choice?” You grinned snatching the prints of research out of his grip. “We’re not gonna end up possessed, it has never happened.”

“You never know,” He was positively buzzing with excitement and it made you beam at how adorable he looked. “I have a feeling this one is gonna be a good episode though.”

“You always have the craziest shit up your sleeve,” You noted, glancing through rumored sightings of ghosts and wild stories that spurred from college students partying in the woods. “This is no exception. Sounds like a fun roadtrip to me.”

“Wait ‘til you read about the Ghost of Jieun they saw there, it’s some crazy shit I kid you not!” 

Renjun went on the full blown spiel, trying to persuade you that the woods were indeed haunted and it wasn’t just a hoax. He did this all the time, seeing as he was the one who fully believed in the paranormal between the two of you. You were the one who decidedly followed him throughout his supernatural investigations sprinkling witty commentary as you weren’t as sold in any stuff like that. 

You were often the cause of Renjun’s constant hysteria as you seldom kept quiet and continuously egged and taunted any ‘spirit’ that might be lurking. It got to the point Renjun would keep a small bottle of holy water in his car and occasionally spray you with it just to make sure you weren’t actually possessed. 

A long ass story about some ghost later, Renjun was summoned by Jeno who needed help as Haechan had gotten his hand stuck up some tubing they were filming a video with. You took that as your cue to refill your empty coffee cup, to regain some life and have at least a semblance of a normal, functioning human being. 

You however didn’t expect yourself to be cornered by Yeri and Yuta, who were looking far too devilish. Their evil smirking were making you want to add them to the list of possible people to perform an exorcism on, part of Renjun’s never ending list.

“So, you and Renjun looked pretty cosy there,” Yeri commented, subtly glancing at Yuta whose face only darkend with mischief. 

“We’re partners on this ongoing project,” You deadpanned, pouring in some burning hot liquid into your mug. The steaming zest of life. “He literally has no choice now, the loser is stuck with me. We ordained it with a blood oath which is pretty on brand for us, I guess.”

Yuta cackled heartily, “No wonder you guys’ are in love. You have the same sense of humor.”

“Thanks,” The words processed in your brain slower than Internet Explorer. “Wait--what? In love? Renjun and me?”

“Am I speaking in Japanese?” Yuta winked at you, sipping his coffee so smugly you wanted to slap him. “So, when’s the wedding?”

“It’s not like that,” You began to feel uneasy, their staring was predator-like. “How many times do I have to spell it out to you guys? Renjun and me, we’re friends and co-workers, nothing more. So, we share a room every once in a while and have inside jokes, you and Winwin do too.”

“Mhmm sure,” Yeri shrugged it off, “One day we’ll get you to admit your love for each other.”

“Not gonna happen,” You gritted out, taking your mug and walking away as fast as you could so they couldn’t see the intense blush coloring your features. 

“You better send a wedding invitation!” Yuta hollered as you rounded the corner and saw Renjun and Haechan laughing about his incident.

Your heart warmed as Renjun’s eyes met yours and you could have sworn you saw a fondness in his eyes that was only reserved for you. A small sliver of hope slithered its way into your heart, but you crushed it easily on account of it being your sleep deprived brain creating scenarios in your head that weren’t real.

Unbeknownst to you, Renjun sighed in aggravation. His little frown catching Haechan’s attention.

“You might as well tell Y/N you like them,” Haechan said as he watched your retreating figure. 

“It’s not that easy,” Renjun admitted, “Y/N and me are a team, we have our own series and its doing really good. I don’t want to ruin any of that knowing they don’t feel the same.”

“You sure about that?” Haechan snorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Renjun snapped, ready to put Haechan in headlock at any given offense. 

“I mean the supernatural isn’t the only thing your blind to,” Haechan patted his friend’s shoulder and left, leaving Renjun more confused than before.

Renjun thought it was easier to be cornered by ghosts, demons, serial killers, and bizarre monsters than having to ever come close to admitting his feelings for you. Your friendship ran deep and he didn’t want to derail the dynamic he worked so hard to upkeep. Plus, he didn’t think you’d like him, you got along swimmingly due to the fact that you two instantly clicked. You were his best friend, in his eyes, telling you he wanted something more was severely scarier than facing ghouls. 

The matters of the heart were always something terrifying.

Renjun placed his folder of information neatly on the table, eyes bright as he faced the camera. You sat next to him trying your best not to stare too much at him. You failed of course and you hoped your audience thought none of it. The comment section had a few comments littered about they way you looked at each other. The last thing you needed was your full blown heart eyes for Renjung to be the one thing your viewers discussed. 

“This week we will be exploring the haunted cabins in the Neo City Evermore Woods.”

Gosh, even the way his voice went into professional mode was starting to sound immensely attractive to you. 

“Do you think we'll see bears?” You asked, smirking at the frustrated sigh he let out. The edges of his lips turned upwards and that in itself was enough to have you glowing.

“The woods are crawling with ghosts and demons and you're worried about bears?” He chuckled, it was so like you. It was one of the many things he liked about you, even when it clashed with who he was. 

“I just don't want to take my chances.”

“But you'll be okay with being possessed?” His eyes bulged out of his face and you giggled at how comical he looked. 

“I'm being realistic. I guess we can trace a circle around us.”

“Of salt?”

“No, dirt like with a stick. For the bear, Renjun. Not the ghosts.”

“Isn't that from Spongebob?” He regarded you with sparkly eyes full of amusement. 

He loved the way you made the tension in his body release, the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed at your own stupid jokes. He was seriously gone and he hoped it didn’t get captured on camera. 

“Yeah that's where I get all my educational information from.”

He started wheezing and you joined in laughing at how silly you sounded. That was your role in this dynamic duo, he took everything regarding the supernatural seriously and you joked about it. You two were like yin and yang in a sense, you balanced each other out. 

“Well, I get all my educational information from reliable sources,” Renjun began addressing the timeline of the Disappearance of Jieun, to telling about her murder and the hauntings of the lake and cabins.

You added your own commentary, smiling when the camera turned off and Renjun excitedly high fived you. Yup, you were way too deep. 

“You were really funny out there,” He said, shuffling all his papers back into his folder, “Great stuff. I think I’m going to need an inhaler or something.”

“Nah, I think I sounded cringey,” You waved off his immediate protests, “I just wanted to take the time to say that you really put a lot of work into this series and it shows. You’re doing amazing, Renjun, and you deserve to know it.”

“Couldn’t do it without you?” He was too sweet, he was going to give you tooth decay.

“I don’t think--”

“No, of course you don’t see how great you are,” He interrupted you, placing a small warm hand on your shoulder. “But I see how great you are and I think you should know you make this series worth doing.”

“Renjun…”You swiped an imaginary tear off your cheek, ignoring the actual tears building up. “You really are the sweetest person in the office, don’t tell Jungwoo I said that.” 

The weight of his compliment and your lack of though, had you wrapping his frame around your arms. He froze, but then melted into your hands. 

“I’m serious you make the other half of Spooky Duo,” Renjun’s warmth blossomed a new kind of warmth in your heart, “I love you, Y/N...I mean, you’re the best partner in crime money can buy.”

“You threatened me to join you,” You sniffled, ignoring the fluttering feelings the eight letters he murmured brought you. “I had no choice in the matter, but you’re a great partner in crime...I love you too, Renjun.”

The love you felt was different than the love he felt that much you knew. No lack of sleep or caffeine rush was going to lull you into a false reality that you made up in your head. He didn’t feel the same. 

There was beat, in which you both stood, arms tangled and breathing rough, staring into each other’s eyes. The moment was broken when Yuta and Yeri stumbled into your work room claiming a group meeting. You scrambled away from each other, your eyes having totally not been hyperfixed on his lips. Renjun cleared his throat and fist bumped you claiming you as the best friend he could ask for, before he went on his merry way.

You sighed, not trying hard enough to hide you own dejection, but you followed behind him. This, unfortunately, only roused Yuta and Yeri even more as they began gossiping about the office, murmuring about how any day now the Spooky Duo were finally going to get together.

It was dusk, night barely stretching across the horizon when you reached the edge of the Evermore Woods. The forest was cold, dark, and dense. It was the picturesque vision of any horror movie setting, horrific and nightmarish. It would certainly allow for your mind to conjure up the scariest of things to crawl from out of the forest, had you been creative enough for it. From the look in Renjun’s wide eyes, you can tell he felt the eeriness set in too. 

The uneasiness reflected in Jeno and Jaemin’s eyes, your camera crew for tonight. Haechan and Yuta were already setting up things in the cabins. Renjun gulped and led the way down the path,  Jeno and Jaemin stayed a couple of steps behind you two, jostling through the greenery with their equipment. 

“Are you afraid of anything?” Renjun trekked through the foliage skillfully, the bright flashlight guiding him, although there was a subtle shake to his grip.

“Yeah, dying alone. Thank God I have you.” It was meant as a joke, but the weight of your words rang heavy and poignant in contrast to the eerie silence of the night.

Renjun deliberated for a moment, before following it up with a quip of his own, “I'll feed you to the demons before you even get to me.”

“That’s to say there’s even demons.” 

“Our viewers think you’re a demon.” His eyes were playful, reeling you in and effectively turning you into mush.

“I can’t confirm nor deny that.” You squashed the butterflies easily, falling into step behind him. 

“Do you think we’ll catch some real footage of something?”

“What if we see Bigfoot?”

“Wrong episode,” Renjun smiled, “Do these woods spook you out? What's that noise?”

“Do you know what a cricket is? Speaking of Bigfoot,” You poked his side and he flew up, sending you a glare, “Remember last time? Dude, you were practically crying.”

“I thought we were gonna die,” He defended, “How was I supposed to know Johnny was in a Bigfoot costume ready to scare the shit out of us.”

“That was the whole point,” You said as you finally reached the small lake where the Ghost of Jieun was rumored to be seen. “Are you down for a late night swim?” 

Renjun focused his thermal camera on his surroundings, frowning as he caught sight of nothing out of the ordinary. “Should we try the spirit box? Maybe we can speak to her.”

“Chick was murdered by a man, she probably has some deep issues,” You said, plopping down on the wet grass that covered the lip of the lake. “She probably won’t want to speak to you. Or maybe she’s hiding in the cabins back there.”

Jeno and Jaemin propped up all the filming equipment and readied the camera to start filming. They signaled Renjun to get started and he immediately launched into ‘YouTuber Renjun’. 

“We’re here at the Evermore Woods of Neo City. As you can see, we have Green Water Lake right behind me and some of the cabins that remained from the old campground. People say the Ghost of Jieun likes to linger around this general area, near the dock.”

“Wasn’t she killed by her lover?” You bounced a small pebble into the water and watched it ripple.

“Yeah, he dated her. He actually said she was too beautiful to be murdered and she agreed and used that as her tactic to live for one more minute.”

“I--what?”

“Yeah she was basically like ‘Please don't kill me, I’m too sexy for this disrespect.”

“Do you think he was like hahaha don't die your so sexy...oops sorry my knife fell into you.”

“We really shouldn't be joking about this here,” Renjun bit his lip, glancing around nervously.

“That sounds like a freaking skit from American Horror Story 1984! How am I supposed to take it seriously?”

“Because we're probably standing within the general vicinity of the crime.”

“Oh, shit.” You turned towards the cabins. “Should we go inside?”

“You want to go first or should I?” He asked, brushing off bits of grass of his pants and helping you up off the ground. 

“The non-believer always goes first,” You smiled, pinching his cheek, “You, my dear, are last because you’ll most likely freak out and that will be great footage.”

“Please don’t summon anymore demons from the pits of hell.” Renjun begged, although you caught subtle lilt of amusement in his voice. 

“Can’t make any promises,” You took the spirit box and thermal camera from him. “It’s not like anything exciting ever happens anyway.”

“Be careful.” 

The words were simple but the way he said them, dripping with concern. You almost turned around to see his face, but you knew that if you didn’t stop walking towards the cabin, you’d kiss him then and there. Your feelings were growing and him being the sweet, caring person he was, wasn’t helping your case. 

“Honestly, Renjun, is probably pissing his pants right now.” You told the camera Jeno was pointed at you, he agreed silently with a grin. “He’s always terrified, but is like an eager puppy wanting to catch anything.”

“Y/N probably raised hell in there, but what's new.” Renjun called out, opening the door to one of the cabins. 

“I did no such thing...just told the ghost to screw itself for not singing Fergalicious to see if it's real or not.”

“Fergalicious wasn't even a thing back then.”

“Fergie withstands the fabric of time, it's all an illusion, Renjun.” You walked up to him and he made room for Jeno and you to enter. “Maybe something will come out if there’s more of us. It could want variety in its selection.”

The door closed behind you and all you could hear was the heavy breathing of everyone in the room. There was a freakish vibe to them, more so than when you were alone. Jeno swept the camera around the room, catching every cobweb and dust particle within view. Jaemin focused his camera on the Renjun and you waiting for some action.

“Okay, if there’s anyone--Jeiun or any other ghost can you say something to let us know you’re hear.” Renjun flipped the spirit box on and the room was flooded with static noise and the occasional gurgle of something possibly otherworldly.

“My name is Y/N and this my buddy Renjun,” You licked your lips, feeling the chill of the night creep up on you like a frosty hand. “For his sake, can you say something? Is it like in Ghost Whisper, that you have unfinished business and that’s why don’t cross over?”

“Ren…”

“Oh, fuck,” Renjun began to blubber.

“Y/N….” The voice was barely audible above the static, but still managed to erupt a trail of goosebumps down your arm. It clearly sounded like the voice of a girl. “Ren...jun…”

“Oh, hell no,” Renjun looked on the brink of a breakdown, he clambered towards the exit but Jeno blocked it. “Jeno, what the hell!”

“I...am...Jieun…”

A shrill noise pierced the ear and the static of the spirit box became muffled right after. Suddenly, Jeno began to move frenetically, casting the camera aside on a wooden table. His eyes were twitching and his arms waved in the air as if he were possessed.

“Jeno?” Jaemin’s voice was hoarse, he gently shook Jeno.

His eyes widened as Jeno glared down at him and then smacked him on the side, knocking him straight down. Jaemin whimpered from the brute force of his hit and recoiled as Jeno wailed violently and incoherently.

“J-Jeno?” Renjun grabbed your arm and shoved you behind his body, shielding you from any harm Jeno may cause. “Hey, man, if this is about you not getting to pick the location, we can work this out?”

Jaemin got up and quickly grabbed a hold of Jeno whose eyes were rolling back, his whole body contorting under the hold of Jaemin. Renjun pushed you back, slowly stumbling into the small closet in the corner of the room.

“I think he’s possessed!” Jaemin shouted, pinning Jeno down and waving you two off. “Take cover somewhere, I don’t think I can hold him down for much longer.”

Renjun hesitated, not believing his eyes. You pulled him back and ducked into the small closet, the only thing you could hear was the violent rustle of the wind outside and Jeno’s screeching. 

“I shit you not if this is one of your pranks Y/N--”

“It’s n-not,” You stuttered, your whole body quivering like a feather in the breeze. “I swear to God Renjun, I don’t know what’s going on.”

Jaemin’s screaming ceased, there was silence, then a loud, thumping. Jeno’s fists hit the door in frantic, solid beats shaking the door with each hit. 

“He loved me,” Jeno’s voice sounded distanted, higher pitched, “He said he loved me. He said I was beautiful, yet he killed me.”

“Jieun?” Renjun almost sounded sympathetic and you wanted to cry at how sweet he can be, but this wasn’t the time. “Is that you in Jeno? Look, I’m sorry for--”

“You’re not sorry!” Jeno’s thundering voice was full of anguish, “You mock me with your love!”

“What?” You cleared your throat, finding it hard to sound anything remotely human when all you wanted was to sob. 

“Your love for each other,” Jeno as Jieun said, “I thought I had that with him. I was wrong. All I want to see is the love I never got.”

“Is she on crack?” You blurted unthinkingly causing Renjun to silence you with a frantic glare. “I mean, oh yeah, we have a very deep friendly affection.”

“Love,” possessed Jeno corrected, “Tell each other you love each other. You never know what life might throw at you. Enjoy love while you can.”

“Is that a threat Ghost Lady?” You didn’t know what to think of possessed Jeno’s words.

“I’ll let you out only if you speak your heart’s desire.”

“Heart’s desire?” Renjun laughed perturbed by the ghost’s insinuation. “This is crazy.”

“Confess your heart’s desire or face the consequences!” Jeno began banging on the door again and it looked like if he slammed his fist one more time, it would crumble under his sheer strength.

“Renjun do something!”

“Okay, okay, stop Jieun,” Shaking like a leaf, he turned to you ignoring the persistent badgering and grumbling from possessed Jeno. “Y/N, if we don’t make it out of this alive I’m sorry I dragged you into this place.”

The lack of heartfelt confessions only angered Jeno even more. 

“Hey, Samara chill for a second, okay?” You looked at Renjun, taking his hand and squeezing it. “You don’t force me to go anywhere with you, truth is, I’d follow you to any stupid place you want to go. It doesn’t matter if I think it’s haunted or not, for work or not, I’d still follow you anywhere.”

“What?” His breath knotted in his threat and as your breath fanned across his cheeks, he could have sworn he’d be the next ghost to inhabit that cabin. You were too close and his poor heart can only take so much in one night.

“I don’t know if its the fact we’re about to die,” You wanted to be swallowed by some random hole in the ground or have creepy ghost Jeno drag you away. “Or the fact I can’t see you since it’s dark as shit in here. Or even the fact that I’m starting to think this is a nightmare and I’ll wake up in my desk with you hovering over me with fresh coffee and that cheesy smile of yours that I lo--”

“Y/N.” The way he spoke your name so softly and lovingly, made your temperature rise the cold of the dinky closet no longer affected you. 

“Oh, right, sorry,” You rushed through your words, wanting this all to be over, “Truth is I like you, Renjun. I’ve liked you for a long time and that’s why I didn’t need a lot of convincing to join your team.”

“Is that true?” Samara-Jeno asked. 

“Truer words have never been spoken.”

“I like you too, Y/N,” Renjun’s voice cracked and your heart swelled. “I’m not...I have no words to describe it. But I like you so much and I never had the courage to say it.”

You smiled, shrouded in the darkness he couldn’t see the pure happiness on your face. 

“I’ll leave this body now,” Samara-Jeno said, breaking the heart-eyes-through-the-dark spell you two were in. “You can rest easy, I’m gone…Hey, you guys what the hell happened?”

“Holy shit it worked!” The sheer exuberance of him confessing and you not being in danger had you squealing. “I didn’t think that would work!”

Renjun, however took this differently, “Yeah, you’re such a good actor. That confession...wow.”

“What?” You didn’t even have time to process the crushing sensation his words brought. “Oh, yeah, good one right?” You knew it was too good to be true.

“For God’s sake--”Jeno threw the door open and you clambered over to grip Renjun close to you.

Jaemin sighed exasperated as he readjusted the camera in his hands. You crawled out of the closet, disoriented and bewildered by everything going on. Haechan was handing Chenle money (“Told you they were dumb to see their love”) and bitterly glaring at you two. Yuta and Yeri looked like they wanted to bang their heads. 

“What the hell is this?” You shrieked as Renjun gaped at his coworkers. 

“This was a set up!” Jeno explained, outraged by the sheer dumbassery you two possessed. “You guys literally confessed to each other like we wanted! Then straight up made it sound like it was all acting...what the heck!”

“You guys are really something else,” Yuta shook his head. “Love is blind and makes you oblivious, but you two are just dumbassess.”

“Wait, so you like me?” Renjun’s eyes widened at your accusation.

“You like me too?” 

“Yeah, I actually wasn’t lying,” You felt sheepish at all the pairs of eyes glued on you. “I do like you, Renjun...enough to go ghost hunting even though I don’t believe in that.”

“I like you too,” He cupped your cheek in his hands, ignoring the camera Jaemin pointed right at you. “You’re my partner in crime and I kinda wanna have you around to hunt more ghosts.”

“That’s an offer I can’t resist,” You grinned, kissing him gently on the cheek. “However, you’re gonna have to buy me dinner after, all this ghost hunting makes me hungry.”

“Deal.” The same fondness in his eyes you thought you imagined before, returned and your eyes reflected that fondness. “Now, what the hell were you guys thinking this was a great location and we could have had awesome footage!”

You spent the rest of the night scouring the woods for ghosts, although you didn’t find any. Renjun and you, trailed behind everyone, hand and hand and beaming brighter than the moon above. 

“What do you think our viewers are gonna make our ship name be?”

“I hope it’s not something silly,” You gripped his fingers tightly, yanking him closer to you. “There’s something I’ve really been wanting to do, but doing it in front of everyone and in haunted cabin, just didn’t seem right.”

“Yeah, what’s that?” His fingers caressed your cheek, letting them trail down as he placed his hand on your arm. He marveled at the way you shivered under his touch. He was getting too cocky and needed to be stepped down a notch.

You pecked his lips quickly, the only witness to your kiss was the moon and stars. He soften under your touch, holding you tighter. You pulled away all too quick for his taste and laughed as you made your way towards the cars and the group.

“That’s what you get for being a tease!”

He smiled and followed you spraying holy water from his spray can at your retreating figure.

“You really are a demon!” He joked as he caught up to you and took your hand in his again.

“Another one to add to the list of completed missions,” You grinned shuffling into the van. “Up for another adventure?”

“With you, yes,” He would never stop making your heart flutter.

“I swear to God if you two are going to be this cheesy, I am going to regret setting this up in the first place.”

Yuta was only kidding, considering he was the biggest shipper. The next day at the office the video of you two confessing to each other was seen by everyone. For once, you were glad to have been terrorized by an alleged ghost. You watched as Renjun walked over to you, glowing, and a folder in his hand. Yeah, you’d definitely followed this dork through any “haunted” place or anywhere for that matter. 

Paranormal Neotivity masterlist 

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

CAN I GET ME SOME PETER FROM BOC? (I promise he's overage ajdjfjff) he has no content and he's just,,,adorable 🥺

listen here, I’m now head over heels for Peter and I’m blaming you

WHAT A MAN,,,

I hope this doesn’t disappoint, it’s full of feels and there is a LOT to unpack here! I based it on this set of headcanons I did a while back wherein someone saved the circus members and nursed them back to health, so that person (tho I went with a lady) is this reader’s boss

also this got WAY longer than I meant it to but considering the absolutely criminal lack of Peter content, I don’t think you’ll mind

Sometimes, on nights when it’s warm, you’ll find those two sitting in the courtyard behind your employer’s manor.

(Mistress) never told you what the story was with these circus performers, and as far as you know, she’s never told any of the other servants either. Hell, she may not even know herself. If PETER and Wendy are anything to go by, this lot doesn’t open up easily. They’ve all been living here for six months, and the only thing you really know is that (Mistress) took them in after finding them horribly injured, that Peter and Wendy are basically adults stuck in bodies which never matured, and that they used to be trapeze artists in their troupe.

They’re both very hard to read, though Wendy is marginally friendlier than her brother. The two of them seem closer to each other than even to the other members, and the whole lot of them keep to themselves, perhaps trying to avoid the household’s staff entirely, so you’ve not had much interaction with any of them.

These two, though? They intrigue you; Peter in particular. He seems on edge all the time, a shock that so much anger seems to exist in someone so small. Even if you didn’t trust their word that these two aren’t children, you would know he was an adult. No child is that angry all the time without any discernible reason.

You just want him to be able to relax. Whatever the reason he’s always ready to fight, he would be so much less stressed if he could let go of it just a little bit. Doesn’t he know he and his sister are safe here? Don’t they all know that? If they don’t, someone ought to clue them in.

When you step out into the courtyard, the balmy night air welcomes you.

There they are, the two of them, and Wendy looks to be lying down in the grass. Sleeping, maybe? It’s late, but not past midnight quite yet. (Mistress) has no strict rules for her staff nor her guests except that she would prefer everyone be inside the manor by midnight. Oddly enough, unlike anyone else you have ever worked for, she’s very concerned with everyone’s safety.

The grass rustles between your feet as you walk. The closer you get, the more Peter’s shoulders seem to shoot up toward his ears; indeed, until they’re buried in his hair. Wendy, on the other hand, only moves by breathing, so she’s definitely asleep.

After a moment of standing, staring at the sky, you lower yourself onto the ground next to Peter. Close enough that you could touch him, far enough that, hopefully, he doesn’t feel crowded. “Lovely night,” you hum, crossing your legs. “It’s nice when there are no clouds at night. You can see the moon so well. Lady (Mistress) is happy someone is finally enjoying the courtyard. She’s never really been one for stargazing or―”

“Oh, what the bloody ‘ell d’you want?!” Peter interrupts you before you can even finish your sentence. His voice is harsh, not loud, likely because he doesn’t want to wake Wendy. “Did y’ come out ‘ere just ta talk me ta death?!”

His bad attitude is still a bit surprising to you, but to have such rude comments coming from such an innocent-looking mouth is no longer the shock it once was. “Well… it wasn’t my intention, no. I’m sorry.” You tilt your head at him. “Do you want me to leave?”

The look he gives you is equal parts incredulous that you’ve said such a thing and sorely tempted by the offer. At last, his face contorts into a scowl, his head jerking back down to the grass he’s yanking out of the ground. “That ain’t what I said. Just stop prattlin’ on about nothin’.”

A moment passes in silence, then you reach over to tear out a couple blades of grass yourself. It’s not that you pretend to understand why he’s doing it, but you want to show him that whatever he’s doing, you’ll join him if he wants, even if you don’t know the reason why.

“… What should I prattle on about, then?” you speak up once he seems to have calmed down a little. “I started with the sky, but… I get the feeling you’re not actually out here to look at the sky. Not as dumb as I look, you know.”

Peter huffs, and a small sigh comes from Wendy as she turns over in her sleep.“So, y’ saw a bloke what didn’t wanna be bothered, ‘n’ y’ came out ‘ere ta bother ‘im, is what y’re sayin’?”

A small shrug is what he gets from you before you say anything else. “Well, no, I’m not trying to bother you. I just wanted to see how you’re doing… if you’re settling in alright. Wendy seems pretty comfortable.”

He snorts, the bitter look from earlier taking over his face again. “We ain’t ‘settlin’ in’. We ain’t gonna be ‘ere longer’n a year, I’ll bet, if we even make it that long.”

“Why do you think that? Lady (Mistress) says she likes you all and that you’re welcome to―”

He lets out a violent grunt as he pulls a clump of grass blades from the ground. They’re tossed down in short order, accompanied by a growl. “(Mistress) don’t know nothin’ ‘bout us! Y’ think she’d want us ‘ere if she knew the truth?! Y’ think anyone’d want us anywhere if they knew the truth?!” He presses his hands into the dirt, digging it under his frayed fingernails, and hisses furiously. “There’s a reason we were left ta fuckin’ die ― because we should be dead! We’re BAD PEOPLE, (Name)!”

Now his voice has gotten louder, causing Wendy to stir and make noises of what sounds to you like distress. You scoot over a bit, reaching around Peter to give a few soft pats to her shoulder. Then you turn your attention back to Peter. “… You’re not,” you say softly. “You in particular, you’re a little rough around the edges, but you’re not… bad.”

You shift around some to get more comfortable. When you cautiously set your hand on top of Peter’s, he flinches, but ultimately lets your fingers stay where they are. “Even if you were bad… you’re not the only bad people to ever exist. You don’t deserve to die.”

“What d’you know?” he grinds out lowly. “Y’ don’t know nothin’ ‘bout us either. Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout me. Y’ don’t get ta make that judgment.”

“Then what judgment am I fit to make?” If you sound frustrated by now, it’s because you are. Why does he seem so insistent about this? Doesn’t he think that if they all should have died, they would have? “Do my feelings really mean that little to you? Does what I think really not matter to you? Because whatever else you may be, good or bad or somewhere in between ― I’m glad to have you here. Perhaps this comes as a surprise to you, Peter, but I happen to like your company, and Wendy’s, and the others’.”

You curl your fingers around his, tightly, securely. “If you should have died, then God wouldn’t have let you live. You’re still alive for a reason.” Despite that you move closer to him, he doesn’t pull away. “You’ve all been given a second chance. Regardless of whether or not you think you deserve it, you have it. And you’re prepared to spend it feeling sorry for yourself, saying you don’t deserve it, instead of doing something with it?”

What surprises you is that he wraps his fingers around yours in response, holding your hand as if you’re his last connection to life. When he looks up at you, his expression is old enough to betray his youthful face. “Y’ don’t know what y’re talkin’ ‘bout, (Name). We shouldn’t ‘ave this chance in the firs’ place. It should’ve gone ta someone else. Y’ don’t know us, er what we done, er anythin’ else. Y’ don’t know… me.”

“But I want to.” Something strange thrums in your chest, your heart fluttering against your ribcage. “I don’t know you because you won’t let me. None of you will let any of us in even the smallest bit. Meanwhile, Lady (Mistress) and I and some of the others… we want to know you. Whatever that means. Even if there are things about you that aren’t pleasant. We like you. I like you. How do you know we wouldn’t accept you if you won’t give us the chance?”

What comes out of his mouth is a mix of a scoff and a laugh. That look in his eyes is so dark and tired you don’t know what to make of it. “Lord, y’know, I never met anyone like y’. Mos’ people don’t want us anywhere near ‘em, even the parts of us that ain’t so bad. But y’re tellin’ me, y’ expect me ta believe ― y’ actually want the bad parts?”

You lean even closer, almost desperate that you’ve come so close to potentially getting him to open up and be vulnerable with you. “Yes,” you breathe. So close you are now, your noses are almost touching. “I want the bad parts. I want the good parts. I want all of you. Is that so crazy?”

“Yeah!” This time it’s a full-blown laugh, though it’s so mirthless, he nearly sounds closer to crying than laughing. “That’s very crazy! Y’ oughta be locked up in some asylum! It ain’t enough yer lady took us in, but y’re tellin’ me y’ actually want every single part of me? Y’ take a look at me lately, ‘uh? I ain’t no gentleman! I ain’t refined, I ain’t sweet… I mean, damn, I look like a little kid!”

The tip of your nose presses to his. “You’re not, though. You’re not a boy,Peter; you’re a man.” You get the feeling very few people acknowledge that about him. He looks like a child, so he must be!

“And I don’t care about refined or sweet… and anyway, who says I want a gentleman?” Your hand stays in his, and your other arm snakes around his shoulders. “What I want is you. I understand if you can’t… or don’t want to… give me all of you. Or any of you. But… no matter anything else… know that there’s someone who will take every part of you. There are people here who want to accept you… if you’d only let us in. You’re not alone.”

Peter lets out a shuddering breath, and you can feel its heat against your lips. His hand clutches yours with such ferocity that his arm is shaking. After a long, long moment, his other hand comes to rest against your waist. How long must it have been since anyone’s treated him as the adult he is ― how long must he have been holding himself back so that he doesn’t make people angry or uncomfortable? “Stop,” he murmurs, and his hand bunches the fabric against your waist in a fist. “Stop bein’ so… good. I can’t… I can’t take it. Jus’ gonna make it ‘urt more… when we get chased outta ‘ere…”

He presses his forehead against yours, his chest heaving as if he’s using his whole strength to stave off the sobbing he’s already been holding back for his whole life. “… If I open up… if y’ do accept me… ‘n’ then I ‘afta leave y’ be’ind…” He’s still holding himself so tensely, wound so tight that he could snap at any moment.

“… I can’t…”

That he gives no resistance when you push forward and kiss him is something you didn’t expect. The way he leans into the touch, bowing to you with a stunning softness you weren’t sure he possessed, speaks volumes about how much he needs someone to embrace his whole self. He seems to even lose himself in your approval for what feels like an eternity.

You draw away, only to be pulled back in against him for another kiss. This one is rougher, hungrier, with a neediness that’s somehow the same as the first kiss and yet wildly different. It’s the kiss of a man who just wants to be wanted, who has tasted that someone desires him and became addicted to that in an instant.

When he pulls you back, you’re only too happy to submit to his wants. You can feel his hand at your waist, his fingers fanning out from that fist so they are splayed against your side.

As soon as you come up for air, you move your arm from his shoulders to let your hand rest on his cheek.

“Don’t worry, Peter,” you whisper as if you can quiet all his fury and anxiety with just those words. “You’re not going anywhere.”

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

what are your thoughts on the skeleton twins

Hi! I finished watching it last night but desperately needed sleep after because I knew I had things to do this morning, and I also wanted to process it (sometimes I have to take some time to process movies, other times I just word vomit about them).

This is kind of long but I’ll add a read more later when I have the chance!

Anyway; The Skeleton Twins...I really enjoyed it! I went in knowing absolutely nothing except that Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig were in it and playing twins, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I think, given the two actors I mentioned, I was expecting pure comedy or something? But I was so blown away by the film and the performances they gave.

Obviously I love both Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig anyway but this movie really showed their serious acting chops. There were some funny moments too, of course, but they’re both really talented doing genres outside of comedy too, and it sometimes takes me aback when I see comedians do such a good job with non-comedic roles - then again, comedy is probably the hardest genre to pull off, and so it’s no wonder they’re both talented anyway. (I’m rambling, sorry!)

{below here I’m talking about themes related to mental health/suicide, and I can’t put a read more at the moment because I’m currently on my mobile - I will be putting a read more here when I get the chance later!}

I was so taken aback though because the film starts with Milo attempting to commit suicide and Maggie contemplating it, and I guess...it’s something I have struggled with, and so it really made my heart drop especially when I saw Milo in the bathtub and the water turn red. It doesn’t show him actually cutting but we all know what happened. Without going into too much detail, SH and mental illness is something I really struggle with, even though I’m slowly recovering these days - it never truly goes away though, you know it’s there even if you’ve gotten better and it’s something you learn to cope and deal with.

Honestly, I was sort of pleasantly surprised by how well the film portrayed mental illness and suicide with both the main characters. I felt at times I should have hated Maggie for cheating and lying to her husband but I also sort of empathized with her (not with the cheating, just the whole situation and being in a huge mess), and I think what made the film was the relationship between the two siblings because it’s so real and natural, especially if you consider the circumstances when they were younger. Their interactions as siblings was so believeable too, like sometimes you’ll watch movies with siblings and the siblings are all mushy or too at each other’s throats, and it’s unrealistic. They both feel so relatable and easy to connect to, though I suppose I am kind of more biased towards Bill’s character because he’s the reason I watched it (after seeing the clip of him dancing online - that was literally the only part I had seen before).

This is kind of dumb, but as I said, I thought they did a great job portraying depression and the aftermath of the suicide attempts? Like when Maggie was drowning herself and then panicked and tried to swim back up but couldn’t - I’ve heard stories of people who have survived jumping off of bridges or whatever, and they’ve said that after making that jump they instantly regretted it. I think that’s so accurate - it’s not glamourizing suicide either, like it would have been so easy to have her sink peacefully and be rescued without her wanting it and then realize what she’s doing but instead they showed the panic, the regret.

I think what especially caught my eye, however, was the fact that Milo was wearing bracelets on his wrists later in the film to hide his scars and like...? That is so relatable, that is something I do during the summer if it’s been one of those instances, I wear bracelets and wristbands and sometimes even tie a bandana around my wrist to hide it.

I don’t know if that’s just something I do/have done and I’m projecting, or if it’s because actual research/thought was put into it, but either way it was something that really stood out to me and made him more relatable?

I can’t remember the name of Milo’s ex teacher but he can get fucked for all I care. He took advantage and manipulated a teenage boy and I think that’s important to remember. It would be easy to just freak out because omg cute gay couple but to me I just saw it as a one-sided unhealthy relationship where one is manipulative and abusive to the other who feels like they need their love, and it’s kind of depressing - but then Milo basically says “fuck that” by the end, and it’s beautiful because it’s like he’s deciding “you know what, I deserve to be treated better” - and he does, he really does. Beforehand it felt (to me) like he allowed himself to be used and mistreated because he felt like that was the only way he could feel worthy, but then he grows and develops and I think that’s so important.

I think I should also briefly mention that the scene where Maggie tells Milo “maybe next time you should cut deeper” genuinely broke my heart for many reasons - because she’s so upset and her marriage is ruined and everything is a mess, so much so that she actually says that to him before immediately regretting it. And ofc I was so upset because that’s literally something your brain tells you when you’re depressed and suicidal/self harm, that maybe next time...yeah. You can see the flurry of emotions on his face as he processes what she said, like he’s in genuine disbelief that she - his own sister, his twin - said such a cruel and disgusting thing to him like that. It genuinely broke my heart to see, though I was glad they did eventually mend things between them.

Some other things I want to mention but don’t have the brain capacity to talk about properly because I’m exhausted and a dumbass:

The Marley and Me joke was so relatable omg, I read the more child friendly version when I was little but I had no idea the dog died and it broke my damn heart, so that little joke about Marley and Me was hilarious to me

Honestly I’m talking a lot about Bill Hader but I do truly adore Kristen Wiig too, like she’s probably one of the most diverse actresses who does all sorts of genres and projects - from voice acting to drama to SNL etc - and she’s incredible in this film.

Lance was a sweetheart and I feel sorry for him? Like he genuinely loved Maggie and was such a nice guy, and while some of the stuff he said wasn’t always helpful or correct, it came from a place of caring and that’s what matters. Also he was totally cool with his brother in law who he never met before coming and living in his house, and he even helped Milo get some work (even if said work WAS clearing brush away)

The scene where the twins go out and Bill Hader is dressed in drag is honestly a highlight of this movie

Actually the scene where he sees himself the first time in drag is also a highlight

The scene where the mother is making a long ass toast while everyone is waiting to drink their wine, and Maggie/Kristen Wiig just downs her glass before she’s finished is so relatable

Okay but there’s a scene where Milo goes to a gay bar looking for a lay and just...the night he goes, of course it’s fuckin “Dyke Night” (their words, not mine!) and then he comes home absolutely pissed and telling his sister and his brother in law that he just wanted “some c*ck”, omg I was laughing way too hard. Also let’s not forget that he said the two “lesbian ladies” he met were lovely and taught him to play darts, we love mlm and wlw solidarity!!

Well since we’ve already established I’m fucking trash for Bill Hader, let’s just include that moment where his character is shirtless (kinda) in bed

That scene where Maggie meets up with some woman she knew (in high school I think?) and that woman has a son, and the son is a little dick and the mom and the son are cussing at each other was a whole new level of hilarious I didn’t expect, like I was deadass expecting this chick to go on about how wonderful it is to be a mother even when he’s a dick to her, how it’s a great gift, but nope, she knows and even says he’s a fucking dick 😂

THE DENTIST OFFICE SCENE JESUS CHRIST I HAD TO PAUSE BECAUSE I WAS GENUINELY PISSING MYSELF WITH LAUGHTER?!

THAT DANCE SCENE AM I RIGHT, OMG, like he’s so cute and happy in that scene and then she joins in and it’s so dorky and fun??

I LOVE all the water imagery and shit, like maybe it’s just because I’m an absolute geek for swimming (it’s one of maybe three sports I don’t totally suck at??) and I love the cinematography underwater, whether it’s the skeleton key ring sinking or the scuba diving or Milo’s goldfish. So much wonderful cinematography and imagery!

This film has ultimately shown me that Wiig and Hader deserve Oscars and awards ASAP

Also this is just a general note to anyone reading, feel free to recommend movies to me anytime because I’m a cinephile and love getting to watch new films!

[letterboxd]

Life in Film: Kris Rey.

As her new comedy I Used to Go Here opens, Chicago-based writer and director Kris Rey talks to Letterboxd editor-in-chief Gemma Gracewood about turning 40, divorce, female friendships, why nobody but Jemaine Clement could pull off a scene making tea, and what we can all learn from Generation Z.

If Kris Rey’s new comedy I Used to Go Here were a typical Hollywood rom-com, it would finish just before Rey’s film starts: with Kate Conklin (Gillian Jacobs) as a newly published author, engaged to be married to a handsome guy. Instead, we meet Kate in a Bushwick apartment she can no longer afford, as her publishing company breaks the news that her debut novel (Seasons Passed; terrible cover art, purple prose) is a failure and the publicity tour is off. That’s on top of the insult that her fiancé has recently ended their engagement.

Kate is given a faint ray of optimism when her creative writing professor (Jemaine Clement) invites her back to the liberal arts college she graduated from a decade earlier, to give a talk to his Gen Z students. Leaving Brooklyn and her pregnant bestie behind, Kate dives into the nostalgia of her old Illinois stomping ground, and I Used to Go Here turns into a low-key, pot-fuelled, intergenerational romp through ideas of success, friendship, creativity, authenticity and idolization.

The film’s fans on Letterboxd include Matt Neglia, who writes: “Gillian Jacobs brings charismatic charm and restraint to her role as a writer longing for a time when we were filled with endless potential without the fear of failure.” Matt DeTurck identifies with this theme: “Relatable for anyone wrestling with fitting the pieces of their life together in ways that feel truthful.”

On the contemporary representation of university life, Alex Billington remarks that “it’s got all the college movie tropes… but it repackages all of these in a smart adult-looking-back indie film package”. Max notes that “the college kids are an invaluable addition and feel like people rather than college or Gen Z stereotypes”.

Kate (Gillian Jacobs) and David (Jemaine Clement) in a scene from ‘I Used to Go Here’.

Your film starts just after the point at which a mainstream comedy about a single white woman in her thirties would end: with Kate’s book being published to no acclaim, her engagement being broken off, everybody else pregnant except her. It runs in opposition to the happy endings Hollywood has made us expect. Kris Rey: Oh god, [that’s] so astute. No-one has said that before and I have never thought of it before, but that’s so true! I think what’s so interesting about the whole journey that she goes on, and all of our own personal journeys, is that you’re used to, like, at the end of the movie, they get married! She gets her book published! And then everything is perfect! And then you realize: ‘Oh. Oh god, okay. How do I move on from this?’ So, you’re right, that is what’s so different about this.

The other thing—and I’m sure this can be said about most films this year—is how the set-up feels weirdly right for these times, which is to say: the widespread derailment of plans that the pandemic has wrought. It’s like we’re in a strange global coming-of-age. Several Letterboxd reviews observe how, for women in their late twenties to early thirties, there’s a second coming-of-age where everything suddenly feels extremely nostalgic. The film dives into that longing feeling by literally returning Kate to her old college. It’s funny, you know, a lot of people have pointed out how this doesn’t quite fit into a category. It’s not a rom-com, it’s not a true coming-of-age film in a sense of what we know that to be. I think that part of it is exactly what you’ve just pointed out, which is that it’s about a unique period of time for women, where you do reach this precipice. Mostly, it comes out of this big ever-pressing question which is “Am I going to have a family or not?”. Not every woman, but most women, have that question in their head until they either have a baby or they reach the age where they can’t have a baby anymore. “Am I going to have this? Am I going to follow this path of domesticity? Am I going to find a relationship that works long enough to have a family with them? Am I going to have to make sacrifices in my career to make room to have a family? Am I going to find them all at once?” Men just don’t have that point, to no fault of their own, but the fault of the patriarchy in general, which is that it has to be a conscious decision for women in a way that everything revolves around that, as we go about our lives at that age.

And you’ve explored that idea in more than just this film. I loved the awkward-yet-sincere moment at the baby shower, when the friends make her hold her book alongside their third-trimester bumps for a group photo. A book is a baby, and its publication should also be celebrated! Scenes like that emphasize how well Gillian Jacobs embraced the role of Kate. What did she bring to it that wasn’t on the page? There’s such a special thing that happens when you cast anyone for anything. It certainly happened with Gillian, but also with everyone. Definitely Jemaine was a big one, which is that I don’t typically write for specific actors. I write a character, I write the dialog, and then when I cast them I think ‘oh, Jemaine Clement is going to be in this role’, so then I go back through and read the whole thing in his voice and think ‘maybe he’d say it like this instead’ and maybe after [a scene we don’t wish to spoil], he would make tea for everyone. Very few, if any, American actors would be able to pull that moment off. That is kind of what I’m looking for: who are they? Are they able to feel like real people? Because so often they feel performative.

Like versions of a person. Right. Like they’re acting like a person! Gillian is very authentic. If you were to talk to her, she would just seem like her real self, and that was what was so appealing about her for me. Gillian just really brought herself, and I learned about her as a person.

As well as great comics like Kate Micucci and Jorma Taccone, there’s a lovely assortment of inclusive young characters who live in Kate’s old student house. Where did you find them? I just flushed them out and gathered them and held them close! There’s a couple of them that I didn’t know but I had seen in other stuff. Josh Wiggins, who plays Hugo, I’d seen him act in a movie called Hellion. Forrest Goodluck I saw in The Miseducation of Cameron Post. He’s incredible in that and I knew I wanted him to play Animal. Hannah Marks was someone that was sent to me, and we talked on the phone and I just knew she would be perfect. She’s such a brilliant go-getter and filmmaker and so ambitious in her own life. Khloe Janel, who plays Emma, auditioned for me here in Chicago and she’s so good. I adore her. I was taking a walk yesterday through the neighborhood and I saw her name on a little sign—she was making these poetry zines! I bought one.

Hugo (Josh Wiggins), Animal (Forrest Goodluck) and Tall Brandon (Brandon Daley) in ‘I Used to Go Here’.

The person we need to know about is whoever the guy is who plays Tall Brandon! Brandon Daley, who plays tall Brandon, is a person that I just knew. He is on the periphery of my social circle and he had come to a few parties at my house. His buddies called him ‘Tall Brandon’, in this very demeaning way! They were of course all good friends. I thought he was such a funny character that I wrote the character based on him. But I didn’t know him. Then he heard that I had written a part called Tall Brandon and he asked if he could play the part. I was like, “I don’t think so, Brandon!”

Was he an actor? Kind of. He’s a filmmaker but he’s much younger than me and he hadn’t done anything besides his own work. But I made him audition for the role based on him! [Laughs] I don’t know, I was just like, it’s a huge role, you know? The last thing you want is someone who can’t act like themselves, which everyone struggles to do. Anyway, he was so good in the audition, so funny, and he just nailed it. He steals the whole movie! He’s just so good.

I Used to Go Here is a long way from problematic college fare like Revenge of the Nerds or the angst of St Elmo’s Fire. It feels thoroughly 21st-century, especially in how the Gen Z housemates take an inclusive, ‘sure, why not’ approach to having Kate tag along with them. What inspired the way you wrote the intergenerational aspects of the film? There weren’t necessarily college films that I was using for inspiration. I wanted the place to feel the same that she left, but I wanted the people to feel different. This is what I’m finding in my life. I’m gonna turn 40 this year, and when I interact with people in their twenties, I’m blown away by the way that they view the world and the way that they view themselves and each other. I’m so impressed by it. And I am on board with a lot of these cultural changes that we’re seeing happen before our eyes, like, the idea of gender identity has changed so much, and so quickly. I’ve never seen anything change like that in my life. The idea of consent. When I first heard it I was like, “What? You have to ask if you wanna touch someone or kiss someone? It seems so lame!” Now, I can’t believe that we ever did that! I’m learning so much. They seem so clear-headed about it all. I just think that we have a lot to learn from that generation.

The movie’s not about that, necessarily, but it’s infused into it and I wanted that to influence Kate, in her life. Some of it is specific to this generation, but some of it is also just specific to being in your twenties. The character April, the way that she thinks about the [publishing] industry and her art, and the way that Kate, who is jaded, is like, “Okay, whatever, you’re naïve, make your little magazine, but you’ll have to follow the rules.” We’ve all been faced with that before.

Kris Rey with her son Jude Swanberg on the set of ‘I Used to Go Here’. / Photo by Blair Todd

So it’s a watershed year for you, turning 40. What would you define success and happiness as now, compared to when you were in your twenties and the ideas you had about the industry then? Oh, god. Okay so I’ve also had a lot of personal growth because I got divorced this last year, which was crazy. I’ve got two kids, a four year old and a nine year old. So I’ve been through so much; it’s been such a huge change for me. I have learned a lot, but one of the things that I have learned so much is that the relationships that matter the most in my life are my female friendships. I’ve always known that, but I’ve never seen it so much as I have in the last two years, both personally throughout my divorce, and professionally through making a film without a romantic partner to lean on. Of course I have male friends that are wonderful and supportive, but my female friends, those relationships are where I’m realizing I wanna put my effort into more than any other part of my life.

Okay, it’s time for a few questions about movies that are important to you. Thinking back, what is the film that made you want to be a filmmaker? Boogie Nights was the first film that I watched when I was in high school that I thought ‘oh, this is a job, and I’m seeing someone make stylistic choices that are interesting and unique’. You can see the behind the scenes in that movie a little bit. I remember watching it and thinking ‘that would be a cool job’. I also really loved the movie Bottle Rocket in high school. I began my filmmaking career thinking that I wanted to make documentaries, and so there’s also a lot of docs that I loved. But those were the early films that made me realize that it was even a job. Unfortunately not any female filmmakers, because I think that was just so rare [then].

What is your all-time comfort favorite film? Sleepless in Seattle, no question.

There’s your female filmmaker! Yes, but with a movie like Sleepless in Seattle, it’s such a mainstream movie that I never thought of it as ‘a job’. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I saw more independent and auteurish works. But Nora Ephron is a genius. That movie is perfect in my opinion.

What’s a film that, as a teenager, felt like a mirror into your soul? That movie with Chris O’Donnell, an Irish film, Circle of Friends. With Minnie Driver! Who is also in Good Will Hunting, another film I saw in high school. I haven’t seen Circle of Friends since it came out, but it felt very real to me, that movie. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that movie to anyone!

Gwyneth Paltrow and Joseph Fiennes in ‘Shakespeare in Love’ (1998).

What is the sexiest film you’ve ever seen? Shakespeare in Love! [Laughs.] There’s two movies. One was Legends of the Fall. It was literally the sexiest movie I’d ever seen up till that point. I was very young when it came out and there was this lovemaking scene by candlelight and I was like, ‘oh, that’s what sex is!’. And then Shakespeare in Love. That scene where he’s unwrapping her? So hot.

Who is another director you’d die for? I’m such a huge fan of Nicole Holofcener. I love her films so much. I have never met her. I do know some people that know her and I am honestly so scared to meet her because I like her work so much. She’s probably my favorite filmmaker. I just vibe with everything she makes. I love the tone. I just love all of her movies.

What’s a film that we should watch after we watch yours? You should watch She Dies Tomorrow. It’s so good, and Amy Seimetz is my very, very close and dear friend. We started making movies at the same time. Our movies were supposed to premiere at SXSW on the same day, and now they are being released on the same day, and we’re just in love with each other. Amy and I are— the movies are so wildly different from each other, but her movie is so good. It is really funny, it’s really weird and it’s really appropriate for the times right now.

I feel like some reviews are missing the comedy in it. I laughed so much throughout that film. I agree: people don’t get it! Can I shout out another movie that I watched recently? Crossing Delancey. I had never seen it before and my sister-in-law texted me and she was like, “you should watch this film like right now—this seems like something you would love”. I couldn’t believe how good it was. It’s so great. It feels like it could be shot right now in Brooklyn. All the cool kids in Brooklyn are dressing exactly the same way that all the cool kids in Brooklyn dressed in 1988, or whenever it came out. She’s having a dialog with a friend and the friend is like openly breastfeeding. And the way that they’re talking about romance and all this stuff is so on point. That movie’s great.

And another female director! Joan Micklin Silver. Yeah!

Related content

Dana Danger’s chronological list of films directed by women

Appropriate Behavior: the Letterboxd Showdown of indie, slacker and mumblecore films

Quarter Life Crisis: a list by Mary, and another by Michelle

Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

‘I Used to Go Here’ is now in select theaters and on demand. All press images are courtesy of Gravitas Ventures.

[westendwithsteph]

Frozen: The Broadway Musical Review

With Frozen due to open in the West End in a few months (although who knows what will happen with COVID-19 causing all the theatres to close), it seemed like the perfect time for me to review the show when I saw it in New York last December.

Frozen is a musical based on Disney’s film by the same name and was playing at the St James Theatre in New York City, until it was sadly closed during the COVID-19 lockdown. It follows the same story as the film. Anna, the feisty, positive, younger sister, sets off on a journey to find her older sister, Elsa, after she accidentally sets off an eternal winter in Arendelle at her anointment to become queen and runs away to the mountains. Anna meets Olaf, the snowman, Kristoff, the mountain man, and his reindeer, Sven, along the way and they help her on her quest to save her sister. It is a story of sisterly love and learning to love and accept yourself for who you are.

The musical, despite following the same story, brings lots of new songs and music, as well as keeping some of the classics from the 2013 movie. The first characters we properly get to meet are young Elsa and Anna, who sing ‘A Little Bit of You’, which is about them making a Olaf for the first time, and also leads to young Elsa hitting young Anna with her magic, which is really the beginning of the end for Elsa until the end of the musical when there is of course a happy ending (it wouldn’t be a Disney story without one!). I was fortunate enough to see Fiona Morgan Quinn as young Anna and Suri Marrero as young Elsa in this performance, and they were beyond phenomenal! Both had amazing voices and brought such an exciting energy to the stage. Their acting was very natural, but big enough for the whole theatre to see, they were an absolute pleasure to watch. I have seen a lot of children in stage shows and they are always amazing, but I was completely blown away by these two. They continue their excellent performances through a couple more songs, before magically growing up into Caissie Levy (Elsa) and Patti Murin (Anna) at the end of ‘Do You Want to Build a Snowman?’

(photo from @fionamorganq on Instagram)

Having described the kids as phenomenal, I am left with no words to describe the voices of Levy and Murin. They both have such power in their voices, while still being able to portray the struggles both sisters have been through. I will not say anything more about the two leads, because it is not necessary. They were cast for a reason and they show it.

One of the only things I did not love about the show was the set and staging for ‘In Summer’, Olaf’s solo song. Ryann Redmond plays the role of Olaf and does a great job of acting with her own face and body as well as puppeteering the snowman puppet (which is very cleverly designed but I will get into that later). My dislike was nothing to do with her, it was the set. Practically the entire show is full of incredibly detailed, realistic sets, except for ‘In Summer’, which has a cartoony style to it, and I know it is to show that he’s imagining, but since it’s the only time in the show where this style is used, I felt it was out of place and took away from the overall vibe of the show. If the cartoon style had been woven more into the show, especially around Olaf’s parts, I think it would have worked better, but it was only used in this one circumstance and I did not like that.

However, while I am on the topic of sets, I must talk about how stunning the rest of them are. Christopher Oram was the scenic and costume designer on this production, and I adore his designs. The sheer detail that goes into each of them is unmatched in any other show I have seen, and I ended up spending £19 on the souvenir programme, so I would be able to fully remember them! For anyone who does not know, programmes in England are usually only £10 maximum, so forking out nineteen is unheard of for me, but I could not resist. I would genuinely say that the sets alone make this production worth seeing. The costumes compliment each set amazingly as well, it makes the scenes absolutely stunning to look at.

(Kristoff (Jelani Alladin) and Anna (Patti Murin). Photo: Deen van Meer)

The special effects (by Jeremy Chernich) are so magical, and the lighting design (by Natasha Katz) just takes them to the next level. Lighting design and special effects seem to go hand in hand in this show, so I could not possibly know who designed which parts, I imagine it was a collaboration between the two though. One of the standout moments to me is when Elsa sets off the eternal winter. She touches the edge of the stage and the whole theatre turns to ice. Shards of ice shoot out of the wings and the floor is covered in dry ice smoke to look like snow. The set pieces to disguise the wings transform into snowy cliffs and its just incredible. The set change got a round of applause from the audience. It was magical to watch. The other major special effects moment I remember is near the end. The people of Arendelle are coming to capture Elsa and punish her for the eternal winter, and to protect herself Elsa makes huge icy spikes shoot up from the ground to block them out. They look so much like ice and are quite scary really. If I were one of the people of Arendelle I would certainly count them as a good reason to stay back!

(Caissie Levy as Elsa in Frozen: The Musical. Photograph: Deen van Meer)

Now I do not want to make this review too long, but it would be a crime of me to not discuss Olaf and Sven. Olaf is done in a sort of Lion King-esque style. He is a puppet attached to the actor. His feet were joined onto her feet and she controlled his arms, mouth, and head with her hands, using a not-quite-classic puppeteering set up. When they first came on, I was concerned that having the actor be taller than the Olaf puppet would be distracting, but it was quite the opposite. I found that I stopped noticing she was there and focussed mainly on the puppets face. But even on the occasions I did look at Redmond, she was mimicking the facial expressions and it almost added more to the character. Sven on the other hand, was slightly different. He was not a puppet per say, but I do not know if he could be classed as a costume either. He looked and acted just like a reindeer, but of course was not really one. He has only one person inside, controlling him (Adam Jepsen and Andrew Pirozzi switch off playing him, but you never see their faces, so I am not sure which one I saw!). The design is ingenious. It unfortunately is very difficult to explain though, but believe me when I say it is incredibly effective.

(Collin Baja and F. Michael Haynie in 'Frozen' North American Tour. Photo by Deen van Meer)

I adored watching Frozen and wish I could have seen it again while I was in New York City, but time and money were against me (NYC is awfully expensive!). I am extremely excited for it to come to London and will definitely be there as soon as I can. The cast list includes Samantha Barks as Elsa and Stephanie McKeon as Anna, two extraordinarily talented actors. Assuming it is going to be the same, or similar, to the Broadway production, I could not recommend seeing it enough, especially if you have children who love Frozen. But even if you have no children, it is so beautifully done that I have no doubts it will be enjoyed by adults too, I certainly loved it.

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Alternate Ending: War is the death of Honor

Humans are such curious creatures when you think of them in the grand scheme of the universe. We are beings with a dark history. A history of war, of violence. A history of acts of cruelty and insanity. A history of ignorance and betrayal of all that we preach to hold dear.  Yet for all the wrongs we have done we have also done even greater good. What wonders of majesty and magnificence we can create, what acts of bravery and courage we can perform, what simple acts of kindness can comfort the lost.  Sometimes an act of malice or of virtue is decided in but a moment, yet the choice can have ripples that echo outwards across time for ages to come. One can only imagine the possibilities should a person change paths at their crossroads.  One can only imagine....... ---------------- Xiaon stood before massive doors depicting some sort art work. The doors parted and Xiaon saw a massive room. An entire side of the room was a reinforced window showing the Combra homeworld below. Xiaon saw a group of figures huddled around the window and he assumed they were the leadership. Some turned to face Xiaon as the doors opened, others glanced in his direction before resuming conversations they were already having, one figure Xiaon noticed had not appeared to react at all and continued looking out the window at the planet below. “Presenting General Xoon as requested.” One of the security guards spoke. “It’s General “Xiaon” actually.” Xiaon said to the guard. The guard turned to him and leaned in close and whispered “I don’t give a fuck what you call yourself. If it were up to me I would have blown your ass out the nearest airlock the moment you entered this ship-” “Thank you master of arms.” The new voice came from the seated figure who had not risen when Xiaon entered. The guard saluted the figure without hesitation and stepped back several paces. Xiaon recognized respect when he saw it and clearly this human guard held the figure in high admiration. A slender Slimpton stepped forward from the group. “Would you please come closer General, we can hardly discuss such  important matters with you so far away.” Xiaon looked around the room and then back at the guards. “Do you not think I would not use my arms to strangle the lot of you were I to get close to you?” Xiaon responded. Several of the figures took a step back in fear but the seated figure merely chuckled. “I’m sure you would try, but I have faith that my security team would be over you in a matter of seconds and break your legs and arms without hesitation.” “You would not kill me?” The figure chuckled again. “Unlike your kind, we do not shoot the messenger here.” Xiaon stepped closer to the group and was now at the base of the window. He could all of the Coalition species here. One by one they introduced themselves until only the sitting figure remained. “Who are you?” Xiaon asked. The figure finally stood up and turned to face him. They appeared as a human female. Youth radiated off her dark skin like the heat of a sun yet Xiaon could see some grey strands of hair making him unable to properly judge her age. She had a strange cloth wrapped around her head revealing only her face, but this concerned Xiaon little as he had never bothered with human fashion. “You may call me Admiral Amara, leader of the retaliatory fleets.” Xiaon snorted. “Were it not for your victories I would have laughed at the idea of a female leader of war.” Without warning a guard stepped in behind Xiaon and brought the butt of their rifle hard against the back of Xiaon’s knee causing him to fall to the ground. “YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO THE ADMIRAL WITH SUCH DISRESPECT!” The guard shouted. He raised their rifle again to strike Xiaon when Amara held up a hand to stop them. “Thank you master of arms. You don’t need to worry on my account over such trifling thins as insults. They are the signs of a poor loser which only makes the general’s situation all the more laughable, wouldn’t you agree?” The guard saluted again and stepped back into position. Xiaon rose to his feet unsteadily. From the reactions of the surrounding leaders it was clear that even though it was a coalition, humanity played a larger role when it came to handling matters. None had sought to stop or censor the guard or the Admiral for their actions. Admiral Amara returned to her chair and looked at Xiaon. “I believe you came here to discuss something did you now?” She spoke with a smile. Xiaon nodded. “I have come before you as the leader of the Combra Empire to discuss a cessation of hostilities and lay the ground work for a better future for our children.” Many of the delegates nodded and smiled at the words. Xiaon could only imagine that many had longed for the day to see the Combra people defeated. Xiaon eyed Amara as she sat in silence. Were it not for humans the Combra would have won the war and these fools would be at his feet begging for mercy. “Do you have children General?” Amara’s question took him by surprise. “Excuse me?” “Do you have children General Xiaon?” Amara asked again, her head cocked to the side as she smiled at him. “I have two sons who both serve alongside me. They are still on the planet below.” Amara nodded at the answer. “With a reputation such as your I imagined so. Females of you species must be lining up to bear the great war heroes children.” she chuckled. Xiaon was unsure how to respond to that and shuffled in place. Before he could answer Amara turned to the other delegates. “Anyone else here have kids?” They all rattled off varying answers, Xiaon was suprised to hear that the Morbith member had some 500 children back on their homeworld. With each answer Amara smiled and nodded her head until she was the last one. She pulled a picture from her pocket and showed it. “This is my daughter Gabi, I carry this picture with me every day so I can see her smile.” Amara flipped the picture around and looked at it. “One of the smartest kids at the academies back on Earth. Aced all her classes, never got into any trouble, always willing to help her friends when they needed it. The size of her heart would make any parent proud.” Amara stared at it for several seconds more. Xiaon was confused by the situation, this was not what he had expected when he had decided to surrender. From the looks of the other leaders Xiaon knew they were just as confused as he was.  “I wonder if she can see me even now.” Amara said softly, cradling the picture, running a finger over her daughters smiling face. “I wonder what she would think of me accepting the surrender of the man who murdered her.”  The surrounding delegates gasped and took a step back from Xiaon. Behind him the clatter of the guards could be heard as they brought their weapons up but did not aim them at the general.  Xiaon glanced around the room and saw only faces of surprise, fear, anger. “There must be some mistake Admiral.” Xiaon began. “I have not taken any field of battle since this conflict begun. I have led my warriors but I myself have not killed anyone.”  “You are mistaken dear general. “ Amara corrected him, fixing him with an icy gaze. “Every death is on your shoulders for at the end of the day you were the one that gave the order to begin the war.” Amara stood from her chair and approached Xiaon, her daughters picture still in her hand. “Every world attacked, every ship broken and left adrift in the stars, every soldier dying on a forgotten world light years from their loved ones they’ll never see again, IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!” She stood before the general and despite being a foot shorter than him Xiaon felt as if she was towering over him. Amara held out the photo for Xiaon to see. “LOOK AT HER!” She forced the picture out farther, tears welling up in her eyes. “LOOK AT HER DAMN YOU!” Xiaon looked at the photo. He saw Gabi and Amara together on some grassy area. Both smiling as if they didn’t have a care in the world for just that moment. Gabi’s face was difficult for Xiaon to stare at. It made him feel things he couldn’t find the words for. “Shame?” Xiaon thought. He turned to gaze at Amara again and saw her weeping. “Do you know how many lives you ruined because you wanted glory?” He stood in silence, words failing him. Amara’s hand was trembling. “Do you even care?”  The room was deathly quiet with the exception of Amara’s grieving. The delegates looked on in silence, eager to see what would happen.  Xiaon was speechless. His mind was now racing with ideas and thought that had never been there before. He had always limited his knowledge of his enemies, demonizing them. It made it easier to wage war when those you were fighting were less than living beings. But now, seeing such pain that had been rought by his own actions he realized the monster he had become.   Without a word, Xiaon got down on his knees to the shock of everyone present. He gazed up at Amara. “I can not undo the damage that I have caused, nor can any offering that I could make repair the pain.” He lowered his head until his eyes gazed at the floor. “But if taking my life will in some small manner ease your pain, then I gladly offer it.”  A guard came forward and presented the Admiral with a pistol. A bulky weapon in her hand but strong enough to rip apart Xiaon’s skull in a single shot. She grabbed the weapon and pushed it into Xiaon’s head, cocking the gun in a single motion. The delegates moved to protest but the guards stepped in and presented their guns, silencing them.  Xiaon closed his eyes to the world, ready to accept his fate. The sound of Amara’s sobbing so clear to him he would take it into the next life and carry it to mark his shame.  He could feel the gun trembling against his head as the sobbing grew louder. “RAGHHHH!” Amara cried as the gun went off.  Xiaon’s flinched as it did and then remained still. Am I dead? Is this the afterlife? He did not feel different nor see the lands of his forefathers.  Gently, he opened his eyes. Amara still stood before him, the gun smoke still trailing from the barrel no longer pressed to his head. He turned his gaze and saw she had fired at the floor behind him.  The gun clattered to the ground heavily, Amara falling as if all strength had left her. A guard rushed forward and caught her and assisted her back to her chair. Her hands covered her face as she continued sobbing and crying.  Xiaon was confused. Had she not wanted his life? Had she not despised his very existence? “Why?”  “She......Gabi....Gabi wouldn’t have wawawanted this.” Amara spoke, her voice distorted from her sobs. “But you hate me! I’m the reason she’s dead!” Xiaon declared, rising to his feet undaunted by the guards now training their weapons on him. “Why did you spare me!?”  “You...” Amara said, her sobbing dying down. “You.....you have to know when to stop. It’s over. The war......it’s over... We’re done here.” Xiaon saw the mighty woman bent over in her chair, hands still covering her face while the guards lowered their weapons and began ushering the delegates out.  Xiaon was about to follow when he noticed something on the ground.  He bent down and picked up the picture and strode to the Admiral. The guard behind her raised his weapon but Xiaon was unafraid.  Amara stopped sobbing and raised her head to see Xiaon handing her back the photo of her daughter. With a trembling hand she took it and stared  once more at it, lost in better time.  “I did not know your daughter,” Xiaon said, “but I am sure if she is watching you she would be proud you were better than the monster you faced to avenge her.” Amara looked at Xiaon who nodded to her and then turned to leave. Amara watched the general leave then looked back down at her daughter. A faint smile appearing on her face as she hugged it close with what strength she had left before returning it to her pocket.  ------------------ To see the original ending to this story feel free to check out the story on my page or follow this link: https://niqhtlord01.tumblr.com/post/185604083511/humans-are-weird-war-is-the-death-of-honor  

[watchoutforthefanfics]

For the fic request thing, could you write "one last backstab, just what I needed. Because one wasn't enough " with Royality? (I loved your angsty logince fic it was so good!!) -knight

Heyo, thank you, knight, for your request. I can’t say it’s angsty as that one shot butttt, it is pretty angsty when you get to the right part. Anyway, enjoy, hopefully. This ended up kinda long.

TW: Self deprecation, somebody getting outed, and really bad insecurities.

Roman was quiet in class, he was the kid who doodled all throughout the edges of his notes, pointless castles and princes that he dreamed would see him.

People didn't approach him, mostly because he was really kinda picky about who he chose to speak to and it might've seemed a little stuck-upish.

And he had been told that his golden skin and perfected hair had quite literally been intimidating to anyone who had decided to approach him.

It wasn't like he didn't want friends, it's just most people didn't take the time to ask. So, being the petty theater boy he was, he didn't talk to people if they were just talking to him for the kicks.

Until everyday in Geometry class, a cute boy named Patton started a conversation at his table… Where only he sat.

It started harmless, Patton asking if Roman had understood what the teacher had understood and Roman was nice enough to explain it (totally not related to how bright of a blue his eyes were, or the freckles scattered across his cute little cheeks).

With the quietest tone, he pointed out what the lesson had been and what he was supposed to be doing, and Patton didn't push him anymore that day; he just respected his silence.

It was a relatively new experience to Roman (Virgil, his old best friend had done the same, but he moved about 2 years ago), to have someone just sit with him and ask no questions.

Roman found himself trusting him quite fast, not really minding when he would ask him questions because Patton was probably the sweetest boy Roman had ever known.

A different day, when Roman had been a little more confident with himself, Patton decided to peer over his shoulder at one of his doodles.

It was small, a soft face with a crooked crown and cheesy grin that Roman had come to love when he drew it.

"That's-" Patton spoke softly, "-that's a really nice drawing. What's his name?"

Roman had frozen that day, he didn't think he needed a name, did he? He was a recurring prince, a style that Roman had liked and his hair was always curled, he deserved one at least.

Roman scribbled, staring down at the prince, "He… He doesn't have a name." 

"Do you-" Patton hesitated, "Do you want to give him one?"

Roman pursed his lips, nodding silently as he tapped his pencil on the table.

Patton read him pretty quickly, "Ummm, what about Theodore? Prince Theodore?"

"Prince Theodore-" Roman grinned, "-the 3rd. It… it has a really nice ring to it."

Patton smiled, a brightness Roman had yet to get used to, "You think?"

"Yeah-" Roman confirmed, "Yeah, I like it."

Patton smiled, a big cheesy grin before grabbing a notebook paper and his pencil, "Is Prince Theodore into princes?" 

Roman raised an eyebrow, a teasing smirk finding a way onto his lips, "Is that a trick question?"

Patton's face fell for a second, Roman could see the endless thoughts flooding his face, so he stepped in.

"Of course, he is!"

With the same bright smile, Patton began sketching out another face; this one a bit softer with a genuine grin that crinkled at his eyes, and a round face. 

"There! Uh, meet… Prince Xavier!" Patton shoved it forward with a sparkle in his eyes, "They look perfect together."

It was then that the two realized that the princes were drawn in their likeness, Theodore had the same jaw and Xavier had the same, happy eyes.

With a flush rising onto their faces, they both smiled lightly at their drawings as the chatter dissipated and they fell back into the silence of writing their notes.

Roman couldn't fail Geometry anyway.

After such an awkward sketch exchange, the silence had returned and if he was being completely honest, Roman was kind of devastated. But, he figured at that point, he was used to it.

And just as he lost hope, Patton started whispering the cheesiest puns to him when the teacher wasn't looking.

It was nice to hear things so light and bubbly, when his brain was absorbing so much math he could hardly take it.

However, that was not the peak of their budding friendship: no, no. 

That was one day when Roman was walking home because his Mom's car was in the shop, and he was WAY better than a public bus.

And after he was sure he was clear, Roman began a full performance with his earbuds in, dancing up and down sidewalks and singing proudly along with all the vocals he could.

It wasn't unknown that Roman wanted to be a performer, he worked with the drama team, mostly in smaller roles because he wasn't satisfied with his voice yet. 

He wanted to reach his full potential in his main roles, otherwise it seemed so… pointless, to him anyway. 

But he really liked to truly envelope the role in every possible way, so he closed his eyes and began to bolt out the lyrics like he felt in his so-

HONK

Roman's eyes flew open and he tripped over himself, falling onto the ground with a stumble. Usually he was elegant okay, he almost got hit by a car, give him a break.

"Oh my god! Are you okay? I'm so sorr-" a familiar voice spout out before paused, like a realization passed over him, "Wait, Roman?"

He flew up, dusting off his jeans with a few motions, "Patton? What are you doing here?"

Patton put a hand on his hip, taking on a parental tone, "I almost hit you with my car! What are you doing here?"

"I-" Roman realized he'd been talking at full volume, but quickly dismissed it, "I don't have a ride right now, I was… walking home."

"With your eyes closed?" Patton giggled lightly, but there was a telling gleam in his eye that bled concern.

"I, uh-" Roman's hand went to his neck, slowly stepped backward towards his house, "I guess I got a little lost in the song. Listen, Patt. I'll pay more attention, I promise. But I gotta get h-"

"What if I drive you?" Patton interrupted, a little more excited than Roman thought he should be, but it was kinda cute.

Roman paused, a bit more pep in his step, "I wouldn't want to intru-"

Patton interrupted, "It wouldn't be a problem. I mean, if it bothers you… You can pay for some snacks, if you wanna get some that i-"

"I'd-" Roman smiled, a bright genuine smile, "I'd love to."

Patton smiled, "Great! Umm."

Roman grinned, his charming grin that some swore had a mischievous glint, bowing, "Your chariot awaits?" 

Patton froze, raising an eyebrow in surprise but quickly adjusting, "Thank you, Prince."

Roman smiled even brighter, as his ears flushed just in the slightest, Patton was breaking down walls he'd forgotten he had put up in the first place.

When Patton dropped him off that evening, Roman spent a whole 3 hours ranting to his Mom about the cutest boy in the entire world with thin-rimmed glasses.

Who's to say Patton didn't do the same? (Except about the most charming boy that made his heart beat a little faster every time he laid eyes on him.)

Their friendship was quick and easy and just nice, something Roman could just sink into without thinking twice about it. 

And one night, on a day Patton had went inside after driving him home, Patton brought up something from what felt like ages before.

"You know," Patton started, "-you have a really pretty voice. And they are looking to cast a lead in the new play! And-" 

"Patton," Roman interrupted, concise and straightforward, "-I can't do that! My voice isn't ready. The whole school will implode at the mere existence of m-" 

"I think-" Patton added, matter-of-factly, "-that you should showcase your talent to school. You wanna be an actor right? You could get a lot of scholarships, and you're good enough to succeed for a living."

Roman blinked, "You think so?"

"Of course," Patton said as genuinely as saying 'The sky is blue', "-you're Roman Elliott! You can do anything."

That was all it took for Roman to take the advice, just Patton supporting him was all he needed. So when he got the opportunity, he took an audition (not without Patton in the crowd of course).

He had come prepared and as Patton had expected nailed it, the drama teacher was so blown away that she offered him the part right off the bat. 

Roman had never been more excited, his steps turned into skips and his heart was soaring and Patton was there every step of the way, from being his audience to helping him memorize his lines every night he could.

And each night the two were closer than they had been before, to the point that Roman had started shoving certain ideas in the back of his mind, because Patton was his friend.

He isn't think Patton wanted to be anything more, no matter what he felt.

◇ ◇ ◇

It was just after their performance, the applause still fresh within his mind and his heart soaring off the adrenaline.

But after, he only longed to see one person. To see if they had enjoyed his performance, because at this point, Patton meant a little too much for him to conceal.

Instead however, a boy stopped him in his tracks with dark, black hair, and auburn dusted eyes: he recognized him as Eric, maybe?

"Hey-" the boy spoke with a smooth tone, "-I'm Emmett, you did a great job up there! You've got a lotta talent. I was wondering if you were available to meet afterwards, maybe get an icecre-"

Roman paused focusing on the boy in front of him, "Like a date?"

The Emmett guy nodded, a little more emotionless than Roman would have pegged but oh well, "Yeah, if you're into guys."

Roman rolled his eyes, hesitating, "I… I am, but I've kinda got my eye on someone right now."

"Oh," the boy, Emmett, was a little more deadpan than Roman found comfortable, "-guess I won't intrude then."

Roman ushered around him, ignoring the nudge that something about the encounter had irked him but it didn't matter. Patton was standing just off the side, swaying lightly with his jacket hanging loosely on his interlocked hands.

He looked so… precious, waiting for one person in the whole world; and he was lucky enough for it to be him. He might need to tell him soon.

The conversation was light and airy and worth every second of it, and Roman just wished he could stay there forever.

Until, everything tumbled just a few days from such a great day. Who knew how fast things can change, huh?

◇◇◇

Roman had woken up two hours late, something about the night before had been just a little too exhausting for him.

He had to hastily toss on clothes and comb through his hair with his fingers, which was not the most elegant thing in the world. And he could hardly even look at himself because he usually held some sort of mystery. Something people irked to know about, and Roman was fueled by that.

But today, he was a mess. A mess that probably couldn't even look people in the eye, his night had been… rough.

Nightmares tore through him, the fear of rejection sizzling on his skin with his best friend lit up perfectly in an empty room: "Nobody will ever love you."

Roman flinched, lacing his shoes and jogging out the door, messaging Patton quickly to not worry about picking him up. Not like he would see it anyway, Patton was probably elsewhere right now. 

Maybe he was talking to that pretty boy, with the good grades and the nice eyes; Patton deserved him.

Roman couldn't help the bitter taste in his mouth at the thought; jealousy trailing up his arms, flooding through his veins. 

It was going to be a tough day. 

When Roman had gotten there, it was 30 minutes before class; he had completely missed drama practice, but he could only think about one thing right now.

Well, until he heard a snicker. It was soft, echoey and originally he felt it wasn't meant for him, something he had heard in the crossfire.

But then, the shadows of whispers carried through the room… following him.

They were following him.

He watched as eyes flock to him and go back to wherever they had been looking before; something was… different.

Something, someone had done something. Roman felt… almost suffocated by all the eyes.

They… they weren't like when he performed. Not filled with wonder or hazy as they absorbed the scene, the words, the dialogue-- no.

They were looking at him, straight into his soul; piercing through his skin into a place where he thought no one could see. They weren't looking at his character, they were looking at him.

Roman was scrambling, trying to find his best friend who had suddenly disappeared that morning; because for one of the first times in his life, he was scared.

Scared of what they knew, scared of how they perceived him now.

He… he needed Patton. Yet, he was nowhere to be found.

Roman tumbled through the halls, afraid and tired and he felt like he couldn't breathe-

Until a person placed their hand on his shoulder, turning him slightly with a bittersweet smile, "I know this probably isn't how you want this to come out, but… I support you."

Roman blinked at them, his hands shaking and he could feel his whole world crumble around him within a second. It took a second, to feel hopeless without anything to protect you.

And it wasn't like he was ashamed, he just felt so… Open, those words were his own and someone had stolen them right from his mouth.

They were his words- his words- his words- his words.

The day felt like he was floating, somewhere off in a storming cloud, and the sun had been cut off: he was blind.

He was grasping onto some sort of stability, something to hold him, Patton to hold him.

Where the hell was Patton?

Roman felt most at peace in drama, Mr. Sanders had told him to just sleep for awhile. He could tell in his eyes that he was just… exhausted.

So, Roman squirmed in the seats. Thoughts churning and his face paleing, Roman felt like he had been stripped of everything he had held to keep him safe. He felt so…

Exposed.

Roman had went home that afternoon, the school nurse believed he was going to faint and that was all his Mom needed to bring him back home.

"You-" she said with a concerned glint in her eyes, "You need rest, honey. I'll try to get in touch with Patton's Mom, alright?"

Roman was exposed, hesitant and tired and his skin felt… out of place. Like it wasn't his. Like someone had taken who he was right from his fingers, like he didn't deserve that.

Patton didn't show up in the next few days, and normally that was concerning but with the state Roman had been in…

Roman was beginning to think Patton hadn't even been there if the first place.

Maybe some of those kids told him to sit there, to get closer to him, to know Roman inside out; before smashing his heart into millions of pieces.

What else did Roman deserve?

So, one night, around 8, Roman had been writing a story about two princes who had fallen from grace and in turn, each other. 

There was a knock of his bedroom door, it was soft, consoling, polite. It was Patton.

Roman couldn't get up the courage to say anything, he couldn't get up the courage to even breathe. Because what if his thoughts were right? 

What if Patton had never been there for Roman in the first place?

Who was he kidding, who would actually stay there for Roman. Who would willingly be some egotistical hero's friend, because that's all he was.

An egotistical jerk would couldn't even have his own coming out.

Still, with all these thoughts bubbling within his thoughts, he spoke shakily, "C-Come in."

Patton looked distraught, his face practically bleeding concern with his eyes gleaming so softly that Roman felt like maybe he wasn't a senior in high school anymore, he was just a little boy who had scraped his knee.

"Roman~" Patton hummed reaching out to him, his hands unabashedly going to touch his skin, "I'm so s-" 

Roman felt sick to his stomach, guilt a tinge within him but he had been so hurt for so long, and Patton hadn't been anywhere. 

"No," Roman spoke, breathy, "-no, that's not fair."

Patton scrunched his eyebrows, and it was usually so cute but today, Roman was just exhausted, "What?" 

"Y-You," Roman couldn't cry, not like this, "-you weren't there, Patton. And you didn't even tell me where you were, Patton. You didn't speak a word to me."

Patton's face fell and his eyes gleamed with a little more than just concern; Roman had to bite back the guilt, he needed to speak.

Roman began, a dangerous tone of his lips, "I needed you, and you were weren't there."

Patton fell quiet, pulling his hands back to him, "I… I was busy. I don't want to tell you why. Not like this, you just gotta belie-"

Roman shook his head, smashing his hand down on a desk, "Patton, have you ever felt... naked? Like no matter what you are wearing everyone is going to see things you don't want them to? And… and you can't even... control it?"

"I-I'm sorry, Roman-" Patton's voice broke, "-I should've been there for you. I should've-"

"Then," Roman glared with the most determined glint in his eyes, not raising his voice --because at this point what's the use--, "-why didn't you?"

He could see the moment Patton cracked, the moment he faltered and all his words flooded his lips so messily and jumbled, yet so beautiful, "I was planning on how to ask you out, I… there was going to be a picnic and a sunset. Everything had to be perfect for you. Because you don't deserve anything less than that. And... I love you too much to give any less than you deserve."

Roman froze, a flame of hope slicing through him, until it set in. Patton could be apart of all of this.

He is just a part of their plan to get under his skin, to be the piece that finally got Roman to break.

And it was working.

Roman shook his head, wiping his tears, "You had me there for a second. I almost believed that maybe Patton loved me as much as I loved him, but of course not."

Patton opened his mouth, but Roman couldn't bare to his voice now, all it was that laid inside his chest was heartbreak. So, he needed to speak before he could.

"One last backstab," Roman muttered to himself, exhausted and hurt and everything in his life was falling, "-just what I needed! Because one just wasn't good enough!"

Patton reached forward, but Roman hardly noticed, too lost in his own… suffocating mind to even focus around him.

"Of course," Roman got louder, "-of course you didn’t want me. Of course you were all set up, perfect Patton would never fall for… me. Why would he? Why would anyone?"

"Roman-" Patton began, careful but not without such a broken ache behind his tone.

"-I mean I'm useless, I'm too useless to even be on stage. I can't even do things myself. I'm too afraid to admit that I want friends so bad I can hardly breathe, but nobody approaches me. Not because I'm intimidating, but because I'm not worth i-"

"Roman-" Patton egged closer his hands so close to him, yet it still went unnoticed.

"-it. Who would want a guy who's too afraid to be anything less than perfect? Who would ever want to know a guy who hardly has any confidence but acts like he does?! Who would want such a moro-" 

"Me," Patton spoke, completely certain as he held Roman's face in his hands, carefully and kindly, as Patton wiped away his silent tears.

"I know-" Patton sighed, "I know this isn't the right time for this. But, you have to understand, Roman. I love you. And it's not because of that stupid guy, it's because of you."

"I just-" Patton regained himself with a deep breath, "-I love you so much. And I never meant to leave you to hurt like this." 

Roman fell, his tears breaking into sobs, as he quietly whispered in the midst of such harsh tears, "Say it again."

So Patton did, he said it again.

He said it in between kisses all over his face, he said it as he wiped away the tears trailing down his cheeks, he said it as Roman mutter more insecurities, he said it to shoo them away, he said it everytime Roman needed him to.

It was silent, as Patton stared into Roman's shattered golden brown eyes; that he remembered once were so bright and sparkling.

Patton wrapped his arms around him, holding him there; maybe for a longer than needed but Roman didn't mind.

Patton was one of the only things that made him feel safe anymore, with so much left bare Roman needed him. And he loved him a lot more than he even knew.

And if it took weeks, or months, for Roman to be able to breathe again, to be able to exist again, to say that he was okay… Patton didn't mind waiting.

[asdamagicbiscuits]

Theatre Highlights 2019

My Top 11 Theatre Highlights and Moments of 2019 (in no particular order other than roughly chronological.)

Let's get stuck in!

Panto at the Palladium

So my first theatre trip of the year saw me head off to Panto land at the Palladium to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It was great to see Danielle Hope on stage again and she was the perfect Snow White. Massive shoutout to Simeon Dyer who was ace as one of the Dwarfs in the show, it’s not everyday you get to see your pal on stage in their West End Debut, he did a brilliant job. The Palladium always delivers fantastic Pantos and I’m excited to see what their next one is!

Book Of Mormon

So Book Of Mormon was again one of those shows I wasn’t rushing to see, that is until Luke George went into the company. I had heard a lot of things about it and I was worried as I had been told if you get easily offended that I wouldn’t like it. I saw it and loved it. It was nuts and very tongue in cheek humour. Turn It Off is one of my favourite numbers in the show, the company are fantastic in it! Tom Xander as Elder Cunningham is pure magic. No other way I can describe his performance. He’s so cheeky and mischievous, the PERFECT Cunningham. Paired with Dom Simpson as Elder Price they are a dream team. You and Me (but mostly me) is such a joy to watch. It was also so lovely to watch Luke and see him on stage again. He is as brilliant as ever!! The Book of Mormon is playing at the Prince of Wales Theatre in London’s West End and it’s also on tour too!!!

Cursed Child - Year Three

I think I said this in last years post but Cursed Child combines two of my biggest loves Harry Potter and Theatre. The Year Three company were exceptional and I saw a huge array of covers. Martin Johnson, Danny Dalton, April Hughes, Jordan Bamford, Leah Haile and Susan Lawson Reynolds. I can remember all the shows when I got to see them and the little details of their performances. Also as #KeepTheSecrets is over I’m gonna talk about April as Delphi. I ADORE April as Delphi. Like hands down my favourite interpretation of the role. Delphi is so sweet and then BAMN. That switch is flicked and her true intentions come out but even then April brought such a warmth to her that I found myself really sympathising with Delphi. She’s just a very misunderstood character and I just wanted to give her a hug. On the other side April’s interpretation of Myrtle is ICONIC!!! That giggle she does in the moment after Scorpius ask if everything’s going to be okay? And Albus replies going of course it is. Pure brilliance!! Also I have to mention the fact I FINALLY got to see James McGregor as Draco. It happened gang. I don’t know how I managed to get to see him three times, still blows my mind as I was worried I wouldn’t get to see him once but I did. It actually happened. ‘Twas beyond brilliant in every sense of the word and well worth the wait, exceptional performances!

Shitfaced Shakespeare

Another fantastic season for those boozey Bard loving beans! The Taming of the Shrew and Hamlet in London and Midsummer Nights Dream on tour. It’s always a joy to see them perform on stage. For those of you who read last years Highlights I can confirm that I broke the curse. I got to see Saul Marron Compère THREE times!!! He also was the drinker for the show of Midsummer I saw in my hometown on the tour. It was lovely to revisit my first show I saw them do, plenty of laughs and so much fun! Bring on next season for more Shakespeare, laughs and most importantly - booze! 😜 haha

Venice Preserved/The Provoked Wife

Now my theatre highlights wouldn’t be complete without me seeing a show Natalie Dew was in. This year I got to see her in Venice Preserved and The Provoked Wife both at the RSC in Shakespeare land (Stratford Upon Avon). Both shows were absolutely fantastic and I gotta mention Sarah Twombly who really stood out in The Provoked Wife as Mademoiselle, stunning performance! I adored Venice Preserved so much I saw it twice! It was gritty, edgy and the whole production value was fantastic! It was also so good to see Nat in such a different role, it’s not everyday you get to see your stagey fav play a dominatrix. She was so badass, strong and the moment at the end of the play with the look the gave another character, I’m getting chills just thinking about it. Perfection!

Edinburgh Fringe

Each year my trip to Ed Fringe just gets better and better and this year was no different. I managed two trips this year and saw a whole host of different shows which were all incredible and I got meet some lovely people, both leafleting and chatting to a few of the actors before the show. I’ll leave a link to my Ed Fringe post so if anyone wants to check out what I saw give it a read - here. Massive shoutout to the Bodily Functions gang as they were super lovely, Friendsical cast, David Colvin was so lovely too, the Shitfaced Shakespeare and Showtime lot. I could go on. But I’m buzzing to see what Ed Fringe 2020 will bring!

The Indian Queen

When in France, go to the Opera? So this still links with theatre but I want to talk about Pierrefonds, it’s my blog so I can do what I want 😜. Firstly BIG shoutout to my friend Sej, the only person mad enough to agree to go to France with me to visit a castle and to see an Opera. So firstly Pierrefonds. I still can’t believe I got to visit the castle where they filmed Merlin. It’s been on my Bucket list for many years now so thrilled I finally got to tick it off. It’s a gorgeous place in the cutest little village ever, genuinely would move there if there was more theatre. 100% will be going back again and would recommend to anyone about going. I had a great time! The other part of my trip saw me go and watch my very first Opera, The Indian Queen! The Opera House in Lille is stunning, so so beautiful. Now I can’t comment on what happened at the beginning as I was raging at the subtitles being in French, it wasn’t until it was 10/15 minutes in that I realised it was all sung and spoken in English. (yep. I am that dumb and yes it took me that long 🙈) I loved how they had the screens move around in the background with the opera on. It had been prefilmed and all the actors were in costume whereas the actors were all in blacks performing it in front of the screens live. As a first venture into the world of Opera, wasn’t what I was expecting at all but I really loved it. It was also so great to see James McGregor on stage again too!! He’s very good!!

Fiddler On The Roof

Wow. Just wow. I was completely blown away by Fiddler On The Roof, the set was gorgeous and how the company went through the auditorium felt so natural. You really felt like you were in Anatevka and part of the community. The whole company were phenomenal!! Andy Nyman as Tevye delivered one of the best performances I have ever seen from any West End Lead. His vocals and comic timing were on point!!! Maria Friedman as Golde played really well opposite Andy’s Tevye, they are a formidable duo. I’m so happy I was able to see them on together. Molly Osbourne as Tzietel and Joshua Gannon as Motel really stood out, stunning performances. Hands down the best show I saw this year without a doubt and I wish I could go back in time and relive it!!

Mary Poppins

Now Mary Poppins is so very dear to me. The movie is an absolute classic, a timeless piece but I had never seen it live on stage before. I had my tickets booked since January when they went on sale and it did not disappoint when I finally got to see it in November. Charlie Stemp was a brilliantly charming Bert and Zizi Strallen was, excuse the pun, ‘Practically Perfect in every way’ as Mary. I sobbed my way through the show and when Zizi flew up over the audience at the end of the show I was in bits. The best way I can describe it is when you love something so much and your just full of nostalgia and emotion and that’s how it came out. Step In Time, Feed The Birds And Practically Perfect were all highlights for me. I have so much love for the whole company for delivering a phenomenal show and I can’t WAIT to return to Cherry Tree Lane once again next year. Although hopefully I will be able to get through the show without crying next time. Haha. Mary Poppins is currently playing at The Prince Edward Theatre in London’s West End.

Dear Evan Hansen

Now I had to be the only person in theatreland who wasn’t rushing to get tickets or proper hyped for it. It was one of those shows for me which I was like - I’ll see it eventually but I’ll let the rush of people pass and I’ll go when it’s all died down. Then the cast got announced and I was okay. I need to see it and I need to see it in previews as I need to see Rupert Young on stage again. Thankfully one of my best friends Johanna was desperate to see it when she was over in November and she managed to sort us tickets. (Thanks Chummy. You’re the best. Love you) It generally was such a phenomenal experience, the audience was so quiet and the only sounds you could hear were the quiet sniffs of people crying. You could hear a pin drop and I don’t believe I will ever experience anything like that ever again. That’s great Anne but why has it made it into your highlights? Don’t worry. I’m getting to that gang 😜 haha. The whole cast were phenomenal. Sam Tutty was flawless as Evan, I connected immediately with him. I was sold and invested from the beginning. The fact there is only 8 people on stage for the whole show blows my mind. Like WHAT?! Outstanding performances from all. In particular Mr Rupert Young as Larry. Now the only thing I knew about the show was that You Will Be Found closes the first act. That’s all I knew, didn’t read up on it or listen to the soundtrack before hand. I went in completely blind! Now You Will Be Found starts and I can hear people crying and I’m sat there thinking. This is great. I haven’t cried at this. Brilliant. The thing which broke me and had me sobbing was when Rupert Young broke down and cried during You Will Be Found. That is what got me and I can relate so much to it. How I view it is that Larry has delayed grief and that happened to me personally so it really struck a chord with me. I’m basically a convert and this is a piece of theatre everyone needs to see and I can see it running for a very long time in London. Dear Evan Hansen is playing at the Noel Coward Theatre in London’s West End and if you haven’t already, GO BUY A TICKET!!

Rage But Hope

I was very lucky to be able to catch this show at Ed Fringe this year so I was thrilled I was able to make it in to see it again during its London run in November. I stand by everything I said before and it was fantastic to see the development of the piece, which is a current and important issue we all should focus on. The whole company delivers stunning performances and I adored the addition of Matt’s characters monologue. I felt it tied together what he said in a conversation with James earlier in the piece and it gave much more depth to his character. The Layla’s List monologue remained one of my favourite moments in the play and goes to show the importance younger generations have and that they are far wiser than their years suggest so not to under estimate them. Let’s preserve this world for many more generations to come. The writing is stunning and hats off to Stephanie Martin for an incredibly well written play. The scene at the end of the play was new for the London run and I felt it really hammered home the message. Tell the truth. Act Now!

So that pretty much wraps up 2019’s Theatre and what a year it was.

2020 - a New Year, a New Decade and I can confirm a lot more Theatre adventures.

Thanks for reading, make sure to come back next year for my 8th Theatre Highlights (that is MAD!!) to find out what I got up to!

Until next time, cheerio!

[citizenscreen]

When the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Neil Simon died on August 27 he left behind a rich legacy of laughter. Arguably the most successful playwright in American history, Simon was nominated for 17 Tony Awards, he won three: for author of “The Odd Couple,” and twice for best play, for “Biloxi Blues” and “Lost in Yonkers.” More impressively, Simon ruled comedy on the Broadway stage for decades.

Simon’s move to the movies proved his work transcended mediums as well with 3 Best Screenplay Academy Award nominations to his credit for Material from (his own) Previous Source, and 1 Best Writing Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen for The Goodbye Girl (1977). He won the Pulitzer for “Lost in Yonkers” in 1991 and was bestowed many more honors throughout his storied career. Oddly, none of that came to mind when I heard the news of Simon’s death. Not the recognition, not the over 9,000 Broadway performances of his work, and not the many movies he’s penned that I am fond of. What came to mind first was how my beloved New York City died a little with him.

Neil Simon

Yes, the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Neil Simon is New York. The city has been a major player in numerous movies I never tire of. Just think of The Odd Couple, Barefoot in the Park, Brighton Beach Memoirs, The Goodbye Girl, The Out of Towners, or The Prisoner of Second Avenue. Without the flavors, the sounds, and the smells of New York they wouldn’t be as good. New York is in every line of dialogue, in every accent, and in every move of the characters. Simon, a Bronx native, wrote about what he knew and what he knew was urban family drama. He had a heightened awareness of what is funny in people even at their worst. Perhaps the best example of that is “The Prisoner of Second Avenue,” Simon’s eighth long-running play, which ran for 798 performances from 1971 to 1973.

Peter Falk and Lee Grant in the original Broadway production of Neil Simon’s The Prisoner of Second Avenue

The Prisoner of Second Avenue Playbill, 1971

The Broadway production of “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” was directed by Mike Nichols, who was a frequent Neil Simon collaborator. Nichols won four Tonys for directing Simon material – “Barefoot in the Park” in 1964, “The Odd Couple” in 1965, “Plaza Suite” in 1968, and “Prisoner” in 1972. Although most of Simon’s work is autobiographical, “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” is an exception as it is based on his first wife’s uncle who went bankrupt and had a nervous breakdown in his forties.

Mike Nichols and Neil Simon after a show rehearsal in March 1968, in New York City.

I didn’t get to see “The Prisoner of Second Avenue” on Broadway, but would have loved to. The play starred Peter Falk as Mel Edison, Lee Grant as Edna Edison, and Vincent Gardenia, who won the play’s second Tony Award, as Mel’s brother Harry. The production was also nominated for Best Play, but lost to “Sticks and Bones.”

Neil Simon wrote the screenplay to the movie version of The Prisoner of Second Avenue, directed by Mel Frank and released in 1975. Now this I’m familiar with, which is why I chose it as my back-up for The Neil Simon Blogathon. I couldn’t get my hands on my first choice, Robert Moore’s Chapter Two (1979), which is overlooked and one of his favorites. Nonetheless, I’m happy to offer my thoughts on The Prisoner of Second Avenue, perhaps Simon’s darkest comedy.

Prisoner carries a punch thanks to Mel Frank’s terrific direction, memorable performances by the film’s two leads, and Simon’s sharp dialogue. Neil Simon commented on the story’s theme saying, “I don’t think audiences expect or want me to write serious plays. Maybe I was a little more successful with ‘Prisoner’. It’s a serious play that’s very funny.” Yeah, it is. And it translates wonderfully to the screen showing a brutal New York both by happenstance and in actuality. There’s a reason why the films of the 1970s took an upswing on violence. The City was a violent place in the 1970s and although Neil Simon got a lot of slack for portraying it in such a manner – even being accused of hating New York due to Prisoner – he depicted what he saw. Simon said of this to the New York Daily News: “Who hates it? I love it. I’m writing about big city life. The problems in ‘Prisoner’ are not exclusive to New York. People are robbed everywhere. There are major strikes in London, Paris, every major city. I only single out New York because I happen to live there.”

In another interview Simon speaks of remembering a time when he got in taxi cabs and had long discussions with the drivers about baseball. Suddenly as of the early 1970s a wall was put up to protect the drivers from being robbed and the passenger couldn’t get out of the car until the driver opened the door remotely. He depicts this in a scene at the beginning of Prisoner of Second Avenue after the protagonist, Mel Edison, chases a bus in sweltering heat. This is not a pretty picture, but we’re in for an affecting, uproariously funny adventure.

Anyone who has lived in a city like New York has to know all about what happens to Mel and Edna Edison. Their story is quite simple, but fraught with problems. The married couple lives in one of them tenement buildings, as Marjorie Main’s character in Meet Me in St. Louis would say, and encounter any number of tribulations one after another until poor Mel suffers a nervous breakdown. As the movie opens the City is in its eighth consecutive day of a heat wave as its inhabitants scurry through the bustling streets. Mel Edison steps out of his building and misses his bus. It’s the first sign that this is not going to be a good day for Mel. What we don’t know is that missing his bus is the least of his problems because in the coming days he will be nagged by the noisy airline stewardesses that live next door, by barking dogs, a continuously flushing toilet, rude neighbors, and a smell of garbage so potent it reaches the Edison’s 14th floor apartment. In addition, Mel is fired from his job of 22 years and is robbed of all his belongings including his liquor! I mean, the poor guy can’t catch a break. Mel’s saving grace is his wife, Edna, who gives as good as she can take. They are perfectly suited in character as are the two actors are playing against each other. They are the ultra-talented Jack Lemmon and Anne Bancroft.

Anne Bancroft and Jack Lemmon as Edna and Mel Edison

The Prisoner of Second Avenue is the third of four appearances by Jack Lemmon in a film written by Neil Simon. The others are The Odd Couple (1968), The Out of Towners (1970) and The Odd Couple II (1998). You probably know I can go on and on about Jack Lemmon’s talent and his performance in The Prisoner of Second Avenue because I already have in previous posts so I’ll try to keep this short.

In Prisoner Jack plays one of his “everyman” characters, the kind of man he is most associated with. His performance in this is astounding. One of his best, in my opinion, and that’s something considering he could do no wrong in my eyes. As is often the case, I am blown away when Jack says absolutely nothing, when he adds his signature poignancy to the broad comedy that makes him one of the all-time best. Despite quip after quip, the funny repartee, and the incredible circumstances presented this character, the truth is that Mel is deeply disillusioned, he is at the end of his rope and there’s nothing funny about that. No one could have given such a role in such a film the depth given it by Jack Lemmon. He breaks my heart – in another comedy. That’s Jack’s gift. Neil Simon described Jack’s talent saying, “there are terrific actors today that are good at what they do, but no one could open up like Jack Lemmon, no one could surprise you like Jack Lemmon.” He does so in Prisoner time and time again.

Anne Bancroft matches Lemmon word for word and feeling for feeling in this terrific movie. Her delivery is essential Simon epitomizing exactly what draws me to his material. She is funny, she is truthful, she is broad, and she too gives you the feels when the time calls for it. Prisoner is the first of two Neil Simon written films starring Bancroft. The second is Paul Bogart’s Broadway Bound (1992).

Gene Saks, who directed the Simon-penned The Odd Couple (1968), Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986), Barefoot in the Park (1967), and Last of the Red Hot Lovers (1972) plays Mel’s brother Harry in The Prisoner of Second Avenue and does a fine job of it. Elizabeth Wilson plays Mel’s sister Pauline and Florence Stanley reprises her role as Pearl from the play. You can also see Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham as the taxi driver in the beginning of the movie and Sylvester Stallone appears as a guy who Mel thinks pickpockets him.

As much as I admire The Prisoner of Second Avenue it’s story is not unique Simon fare. Not only does Jack Lemmon also star in The Out of Towners, but that 1970 movie has many thematic similarities with Prisoner such as the exasperation of having every conceivable thing that can go wrong go wrong to a couple. Neil Simon also wrote a play that’s a very funny take on the biblical story of Job, titled “God’s Favorite” that was produced for the stage in 1974. This one wasn’t made into a film, but I’m familiar with it because it’s included in one of his anthologies. “God’s Favorite” also centers on a family except this time they live in a Long Island mansion. The patriarch of the family is a pious man named Joe Benjamin who is pushed to the limit by one of God’s messengers when he does not succumb to temptation. Everything imaginable is thrown Joe’s way as he is tested over and over again. It’s an enjoyable piece and worth a read.

As I was watching The Prisoner of Second Avenue today I reminisced about how long I’ve been a Neil Simon fan. No doubt I didn’t get the nuances in this work when I was a much younger person, when I first became aware of his talent through movies, but the laughter was just as heartfelt. This many years later, this many more laughs enjoyed, I can say with certainty that Neil Simon is the person I would most have liked to write like. I feel deeply connected to his words despite the fact that none of the families he wrote about are like mine. In fact, had I not been exposed to Neil Simon plays for the entirety of my life I would not be the person that I am nor would New York City be the same in my mind. Both are better because of him.

Thanks, Doc.

◊

Be sure to visit Caftan Woman and Wide Screen World to read much more on the work of this memorable talent in The Neil Simon Blogathon.

Neil Simon (July 4, 1927 – August 26, 2018)

Neil Simon’s THE PRISONER OF SECOND AVENUE When the Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Neil Simon died on August 27 he left behind a rich legacy of laughter.

[haonity08]

Find Your Surprise

member : joshua - hong jisoo

genre : fluff.

note : a special scenario for happy joshua day!

“Babe? You here?”

Joshua called out from the front door, entering it. He just came back home from another performance and he’s so tired. However, you weren’t there like he expected. He checked every room in the house, he was a bit worried but probably you’re just busy with work. It’s the 29 December, 11 at night. He was a bit hoping for you to pop out at the 12 but there was no action, you were really not home. He sigh feeling a bit sad but got messages from his dear friends.

He smiled but frown a bit, they were definitely hiding something. He doesn’t like feeling suspicious but he can’t help that they know something about you. He sighs, changing into a more comfier clothes and went to bed after that. Time striked at 4 AM, he had a hard time on sleeping. He has been shuffling in the bed, trying any position he could to get him to sleep. He found himself missing your figure beside him. A ding came from his phone as he squint from the light that the device is giving him. He looks surprised.

You feel really bad for doing this, but it’s part of your surprise and plan to do. You asked all the members for their help and you asked the manager for cancelling their practice for just one day, for Joshua’s birthday. You have been planning for days and you’re very proud of yoruself for doing this for him.

Joshua shrugged when he looked at the messages, slightly disappointed but he went out at 5 and went straight to dorm. He found Minghao in the dorm and there was only him. “Happy birthday hyung, here’s my present.” Minghao hugged him, earning a chuckle from Joshua. He opened the box and found a nice coat.

“Ah this is the thing you must be finding.” Minghao gave him a small box, Joshua curiously open it. “It’s a pick for your guitar^^ I notice your fingers always hurts strumming it.” The note inside said and he recognize the wrtiting. Minghao gave him another letter, “To our place, where we first met.”

“Thanks Hao.” He shakes his head, thinking why would he need to go to the practice room. You met him there when you accidentally enter their practice room thinking it was the room you needed to go.

He remembered your cute flustered face, saying sorry many times. You can only say a few words in Korean so he and Vernon need to be the one who talk, now you’re fluent with the help of them and his lessons. He thought about it while walking the whole way there. He immediately went to the practice room after the lady desk said him ‘happy birthday’ also.

“Happy birthday Joshua~” He found Seungcheol with Chan. “Hyung, noona gave this to us. Happy birthday!” Chan ran to get something while Seungcheol gave him the thing. He accepted, looking at the plushie he have in his hand. A tiger plushie, he won you at the amusement park at one date but it looks different.

“She ordered us to do this all, you’re very lucky to have her.” Seungcheol chuckles and Chan came back with another letter, “Rawr! Take care of him! This is our tiger couple! The first time you confessed to me? ;)”

He chuckles to himself, reading the cute letter you sent for him. He thanked Seungcheol and Chan before proceeding his birthday journey. It was a sunny day, suited for playing some sport. The boys went to play basketball and you went with them to watch over if they needed something.

You were already close with them especially him, he thinks it would be the right time for him to confess. He did smoothly and you were shock, you did like him too, very very much. He arrived at the field and found Seungkwan with Seokmin and Soonyoung.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY OUR HYUNG!” Their loud voices started to echo, making him laugh. They have something in each of their hands. Seokmin has a beanie and gloves, Soonyoung has a scarf and Seungkwan has a coat. The three of them wore it to Joshua, to which he fixed it again. “From noona~” Seokmin held out a letter, Joshia grins wanting to know your cute messages again.

“So I notice your coat was torn and your beanie has holes in it?! You also don’t have a scarf :( The gloves are just extra! Here’s another present to fill your needs! Next place is our first date!”

The BooSeokSoon trio waved excitedly to which Joshua laughs at and proceed his way to the café. It was his favorite café, he brought you there and told you that it’s his favorite. The two of you ended up going there for a numerous time, spending time with talking and joking at the same place. He entered the warm café and sigh, feeling the warm engulfed him. He spotted Wonwoo with Jihoon. “Happy birthday hyung.” The both of them greeted him.

“About time you came, good thing it hadn’t got cold.” They hand him his favorite warm coffee and some muffin. Jihoon gave him a letter, “So you haven’t had breakfast right? Eat this all the way and warm up with the coffee. Get your energy and be fast! The place we did a duet together??”

“Hyung, I thought about this would be your favorite.” Wonwoo said, giving him a book. Joshua thanked the both of them and proceed again to the park. One day, the group was offered to do a duet with anyone and the draw landed on Joshua, Jun and Wonwoo. They were surprised and find who they want to do the duet with. Joshua had you in his mind that time and asked if he can duet with you.

The show day, you and him bring a romantic song with true feelings coming out from both of your hearts, making a harmony. He was glad to show your hidden talent to all the people, he started to do more covers with you and posting them on utube.

“Birthday man, over here!” He face the voice and saw Vernon waving his hand. Vernon was with Mingyu and Jun. The three of them sang the 'happy birthday’ song until Joshua was in front of them. They grabbed all things from Joshua except his food and put it all neatly in a bag. Jun gave him a map and Mingyu hand him a letter.

“This is a map for your surprise, it’s a place you haven’t know yet? Leave the things with them, I choosed the trusted people so don’t worry. You’ll find Jeonghan on the way! One more step to meet your love, fighting!”

He smiles and thanked the three before following the map. Until a few turns here and there, he spotted Jeonghan below a tree. “Finally you came! Happy birthday my dearest friend now let’s go to the place you needed to go, hold this.” Jeonghan said and gave him an umbrella, “Things will get messy.” He got confused but held it anyway. Jeonghan led him the way and start to go to his back.

“LAUNCH IT EVERYONE!”

His eyes widen at the familiar voice but snow balls were coming to his way as fast as a lightning. He finally got the message and open the umbrella to put it as a shield, the snow balls died down and replaced by many laughter. Joshua finds himself laughing and Jeonghan pushed him slowly to the place. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSHUA!” Everyone there yelled, he couldn’t believe his eyes.

His parents, family from over the seas came to this place. There you are happily laughing and gave him a big smile. You were wearing the same colour beanie and scarf with him. He can feel the tears in his eyes and Jeonghan beside him pat his back, laughing. He wipes his tears as he walks near the place.

There was big balloons spelling out 'Happy Birthday Joshua’, tables and chairs covered with his favorite colour, various food of his favorite, stacks of present in one table. The place was in a big tent with a small stage and the other things there. The place was filled with Joshua’s family and friends, with yoy and the members. He couldn’t be more happy.

He hugged his parents and greet all of them through the mic that someone gave him. “I’d like to thank you all for celebrating my birthday, coming to this surprised. I am surprised, not knowing this was gonna happen. I’m glad to have such a lovely girlfriend who set this all up for me, she didn’t even said me happy birthday yet.” Joshua jokingly said with a disappointed voice at the end as you look down a bit embarassed, “Can I invite my girlfriend here to explain?”

You walked over him feeling a bit nervous. You took the mic from him, “I’ve been planning this surprise for days. I’ve contacted your close ones, you said you missed them and it would be nice if they really come. I-I wanted to make it come true, has your birthday wish been fulfilled?” You asked him and he laughs as the crowd cooed at the two of you, his mother was already urging the two of you to get married instead of his birthday party.

“It would be nice if you could say happy birthday to me?” He smirks, you blushed looking down.

Instead of saying, you sang him. The crowd follows on and Seungkwan brought the cake with Soonyoung and Vernon guarding the candles so it wouldn’t be blown away by the wind. He felt really happy, you gave him a wink to melt him more. The rest of the party went well, you and him got a chance for some alone time.

“How did you do this behind me back without being that obvious, you were always obvious planning surprises.” He laughs and you shove him playfully. “I have a lot of practice from the past and know how to pass your curiosity.” You stuck out a tongue at him as he chuckles.

“Really though, I was surprised. Thank you for making this a great birthday.” He said, staring into your eyes. You smiled softly at him, nearing his lips. Both of you share a sweet kiss which you can’t stand on not having it a day.

“OH MY GOD THEY’RE MAKING OUT!”

“SEUNGKWAN WHY WOULD YOU YELL?!”

“sAVE CHAN.”

Both of you part away and chuckle.

“Happy birthday my prince, you found your surprise.”

"Wouldn't come true, without a beautiful princess planning it."