#i am anything when I'm high
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the buddy-buddy act ends now
#ritsu: i am a horrible person and i hate you this is my evil arc#shigeo: *hugs his hurting little brother*#ritsu: *breaks into tears* not fair#GDHEHXGSGDH god God i love ritsu okay#i love the kageyama brothers they mean everything#and ritsu- loving ritsu has just been SO interesting and enlightening even these past months#I'm squatting in his brain#his tendency to catastrophize#his powerful sense of self-importance that coexists with brutal self criticism#his prickly aloof nature and enormous capacity for empathy that he consciously extends to very few#he's a judgy b-tch but only in his head#people adore him but he's not interested#he's Driven by fear and he's brave to the point of lunacy#the LEVELS of gaslighting he did on himself to convert that fear into adoration#protectiveness#anything#Anything else that makes sense#the way he snapped under the weight So Fast when presented with an out eager to test what kind of wicked creature he is under the layers of#paint and consolation prizes#his high morals that he's itching to see crumbled#his 'I've obtained loss' that speaks to me. his 'I just wanted to see what its like being a fool'#his 'i realised what i really wanted: to learn that devotion towards living a fun life and shedding sweat and tears and blood for it.'#g a h#kageyama ritsu#ritsu kageyama#mp100#mob psycho 100#mob psycho 100 fanart#kageyama brothers#this piece fought me every step of the way Jeeesussss but i love it. it was very experimental in the direction i want to keep exploring
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"Since you've named yourself after Julius fucking Caesar, perhaps I'll follow in your lead and choose one of the conspirators." "Interesting," says Giuliano. "Should I worry about finding you at the center of some kind of conspiracy that ends with my death?" "Not from me," replies Ascanio. He sounds tired. "Not anymore."
informally, some kind of. conversational follow up to the last comic. I'm trying to get the atmospheric conversational whimsy out of my system because I have a vision of the vatican as a body in active decay, a point of infection spreading out and poisoning the well, a jaw unhinged that people walk into over and over, and I am so close to figure out how to convey this visually. maybe.
#not that there's anything wrong with atmospheric whimsy but i kind of want to get into the gross body horror of it all#literally. allegorically. for the vibes. its just hard to pin down the abstract thought of 'oh we should High Rise the Vatican' you know#(High Rise by JG Ballard is what i'm referring to here) like how do I achieve this. well. first. is i must lay out the vatican and become#intimate with the visual set pieces. then i can talk about how this building could literally be hazardous to your health#however. drawing the vatican. is very. uhhhh. man I do not know enough about medieval-renaissance architecture to be inventing#anything and that one book that collected interiors of rooms and houses in renaissance art is NEVER ANYWHERE EVER#and if it is then it's always around when i cannot afford it. i feel like i am in a specific kind of torment torture box#i will not be defeated tho. i can design a vatican through other means.#ANYWAY. i think antidepressants would've made ascanio an unstoppable menace in the vatican#there's a bunch of stuff being referenced here but my pdf reader does not want to cooperate with me so basically we're playing around with#ascanio's household staff (alessandro) that whole thing wrt to ascanio & acts of piety/charity (such as covering dowries etc)#uh. that's it! this time i didn't accidentally call giuliano by his brother's name. which is . sherhhg. so there's a fic i was writing.#italian renaissance tag#komiks tag
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BONUS
#DON'T LOOK AT ME#i am not responsible for the thoughts in my brain when i see maximus in this outfit#it's like a whole extra level of wet dream inducing hotness#LOOK AT THOSE ARMS#HIS NECK#HIS ABSOLUTELY UNFLAPPABLE FACE#i am so obsessed with the fourth one when he's snarling at haken#i could write an essay on it#maybe one day when my brain is saying more than “hmmshdsdhj hahaajsksdshf SEX”#who knew that an academy-award winning scrap of sackcloth could be the sexiest costume on earth#HE'S BUILT FOR IT#yeah i spent a long time getting the perfect shot of the back of his neck#there are several throughout the movie but that one is. that one is special#IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST SJBDGSAFSDFKSDSKAFHJ#sorry guys#if i'm not going full nosferatu on his gorgeous neck and back what's the point of anything#i am SO HOT for this man it's ridiculous#i want him to SLAM me into that rock wall and BANG me until neither of us can breathe#AUSEFGSGFHAJSJASK I'M FALLING APART#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#low quality screencaps of a high quality man
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So, my mom was telling me how much free time I have, and I was like, "I have no freetime wth do you mean?????" And I just wanna see if this is like. A normal way to think of things?
Things I need to do:
Finish reading icebound land
Make a whole lotta art that I promised people
Research study abroad programs
At least one Dutch lesson a day
Keep my room clean
Talk to my friends so they know I love them (and so I don't go insane)
My math homework
Keep myself clean (showers, finally brushing my teeth after months, etc etc) so I don't go insane
Eat at 7pm
Various things I enjoy as to not go insane
All from 6pm to 9 pm, every day, after being at school from 8 am to 3:30 pm and then The Public (teen center) from 3:30 to 5:30, and I need to be in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:00
So, basically, I'm "on the clock" from 7 am (When I start getting ready for school) until 9 pm, with no breaks
But yeah no I totally have free time. Yeaup
#“but you never actually do that stuff! you just sit and scroll!”#yeah cause if I'm not doing what I need to I'm not Allowed to do anything else#but I'm just. too tired. to do what I need yo#I hate high school#rambles#adhd#executive dysfunction#<- I've heard that this kinda mental math can be a symptom of those things? idk#im so tired#burnout#adhd burnout#(????? I think????)#high school#I'm just so tired of all of this#the sun is going down way too early and I barely speak at all at school and I never finish work early anymore and the teen center is loud#and I still want to be active in the fandom but I don't have time to make posts anymore#and I don't have any in person friends anymore and I don't know when the last time I got a hug was#and I'm just. so. tired. my room is clean and I have good grades and I talk to my friends everyday and I shower routinely#why the hell am I so stressed#I do everything I'm supposed to do#I just want to go somewhere else man#The Netherlands hopefully#I wanna actually DO something#go on a trip for band#not just finish the work put in front of me day after day after day after day#I wasn't built for this shit#I'm so fucking tired
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I never thought I'd say this, but there's no way I'm one of the only ones here that isn't chronically online. Right? Right??
#PLEASE don't tell me this is genuinely how all of you view this#I'm not gonna make a longer post unless prompted but. there's no way so many of you are this chronically online. there's just no way#I mean this is the nicest way possible btw#some of y'all need to get some friends IRL. like genuinely.#if y'all are thinking that its evil to draw teens smoking weed or for there to be 2 year age gaps in high school relationships-#you do NOT know enough people. I'm being serious#don't get me wrong; some of the things being talked about are serious issues#(I am basically only referring to Louis when I say this. I hope you're doing okay man)#but the rest is stuff that is just so stupid I swear#I don't like engaging in drama hence why I'm not gonna tag the fandom or make this a big post outside of the tags#So much of this is the kind of thing you'd see in a 2018 DA ranters video and that is NOT a good thing#the combination of a lack of nuance + being teens with no life experience + hard opinions is soooooo ass#like this feels like the beginning of a clique who hates artistic expression#I saw one of the posts talking about how people in this fandom should basically be only wholesome or else you're evil and just. What??#Not how art works. not how liking a thing works. stop trying to police the people around you#when I say 'you' I am referring to the amorphous blob of people I'm targeting this rant at and not everyone btw#and I thought that me with my mental health testing approved black & white thinking pattern was bad. god damn#sorry for these tags being so long and ranty I just needed to yap about how I think a lot of this is stupid#if anyone following me doesn't want to follow me anymore due to this that's fine. idrc tbh#I could also like explain anything I mean in an actual post if anyone is confused by any of this#but otherwise this is my two cents#andy rambles
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You take, but can't be given
You ride, but cannot be ridden
Pinch this tiny heart of mine, wrap it up in soiled twine
You never read what you've written
this came up on my playlist
guess it's time to relisten to Antichrist Svperstar again xD
#marilyn manson#antichrist superstar#all dried up and tied up forever#all fucked up and dead to the world#i am anything when I'm high
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okay, whoever started the whole thing about alex looking like a rat is fully responsible for the fact i am now the proud owner of a plush jellycat rat named alex 🫠
#i saw him when i was out shopping with people today and i simply couldn’t resist him#tell me he doesn’t give you alex vibes 🥺#like just pop him in an “i don't give a damn” t shirt and some high waisted trousers and who'd know the difference#yes i may have lost it#do i care?#no#i should never ever be allowed in shops with plush animals when i'm hormonal#or at all actually#if anything my susceptibility to buying them has only worsened as i've got older#maybe it's because i grew up way too fast and now late twenties me has decided fuck it#it's time to enjoy the things i didn't get to when i was younger#anyway yeah i couldn't resist sharing him#i am simply enamoured 🥺#now i just need to find a little turtle to keep him company...#lulu posts
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More dnd writing because it's all I have but I here's a snippet from a vignette I did of Rook's past (from Zara's POV), because Rook and his mentors never fails to make me sick (/pos).
[transcript under the cut]
Taking a coin out of her pocket, she rolled it across her knuckles, back and forth. It gave her hands something to do, and prevented the urge to bite her nails, something she hadn’t done in years. Ten minutes passed, then twenty. Zara began to pace as Rook’s breathing grew shakier and the color drained from his skin. Where the hells is Jay? she wondered. The room was so quiet that she could hear every tick of the small clock on her bedside table, and each one echoed in her head. How many ticks does he have left? She didn’t want to think about it. She’d had crew members die before, of course. You don’t go as many years as a captain as she had and never lose a soul. But all the others who had died had died quickly, in combat. She’d mourned for all of them, even shed tears in private, but there was something different about watching the life drain out of a person right in front of your eyes.
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd#dnd writing#morrigan plays dnd#oc: Rook#oc: Zara#(Rook's first captain and mentor)#literally no one else but me would know this but the fact that he learned that coin-rolling trick from watching her#(and after a lot of practice and embarrassing failures in his free time)#and he also does it when he's nervous/anxious/bored/fidgety... augh I can't take it.#this takes place when he'd been with her crew for about a year so he was roughly 18 in this. BABY boy.#He gets to see her again for the first time in 3 years VERY SOON in-campaign and I can't stop thinking about it.#I've been waiting for this moment since I joined this campaign so like a year and a half now.#YES I KNOW ALL MY WRITING LATELY HAS BEEN TORMENTING ROOK PHYSICALLY.#I'M SORRY. IT'S THE EASIEST THING FOR ME TO WRITE#I am UNWELL over my boy and his mentors#also poor Rook... he can't escape the snake motifs.#he gets bitten by a snake-like sea monster and nearly dies. he's a prisoner on a ship called the sea snake. Twice.#the second time he's rescued by a person with snake tattoos all over their body because they used to belong to a gang called#the horned serpents. And because they helped destroy that gang said person was supposed to never go back to the town Rook needs to go to.#but when they get there turns out they needn't have worried because all criminal activity has been stopped by a HUGE FUCKING SNAKE#with a very twisted sense of morality that may or may not be a god and has appointed itself High Judge of the town#and ofc because Zara is the mayor of that town and the snake is her problem Rook will do ANYTHING to get rid of it for her#but um yeah. lots of snakes for Rook. And most of this was accidental.#I swear I didn't plan it this way on purpose.
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kittens T O M O R R O W oh my GOD I'm so FUCKING STRESSED
#WE DIDN'T KITTENPROOF ENOUGH I'M HAVING HEART PALPITATIONS#HELP HELP HELP H#I am vacillating WILDLY between#when we first got seren and the other two kittens at the time we had no warning and no time to prep#and barely did anything special to onboard them after the requisite First Few Days In A Bathroom#and they were all literally fine and all turned out to be super good kitties with no behavior issues their whole lives#VS#WE'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH OOUUUGHHH THE RECOMMENDED PROCESSEEEES AAAAAAH#I mean the GOOD NEWS is that the Requisite Bathroom Days will give us more of a buffer to deal with the rest of the house#between playing/ socializing/ feeding/ kissing their sweet little heads/ etc#also my bro says they're still not able to jump high enough to-- for example-- reach kitchen counters#so we've got SOME clemency with SOME vertical surfaces in theory#I just feel deeply unprepared and I'm stressed about it#IT IS NOT OUR FAULT THAT THEY WERE BORN WHEN THEY WERE BORN AND 'PREP FOR KITTENS' TIME WAS ALSO DECEMBER.#THIS COULD NOT BE HELPED. BUT ALSO. FUCKING CHRIST. I WISH THAT HAD NOT BEEN THE CASE LMAO#aaaaaahhhh.... AAAAAAAHHHH#about me#this has been kitty talk
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Recent doodles while I haven't been in a state to do much/keep mismanaging the free time I do have. It's mostly Kromer. She enchants me still. Her hair actually so goddamn awful to draw. The price I pay for being a Kromer fan
#shaking my brain. when am I going to do anything with the Visions I was having during canto v.#it'll happen... surely it'll happen... it needs to happen...#emi art#limbusposting#sinclair#kromer#sancho#love how for like three months I've only posted art when I was like it's okay guys I'm working back up to high effort stuff#and then it doesn't happen.#fall is like that though it's just how it issss
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A view of the City of London from Bank junction and the Royal Exchange. Photographer: Tom Skipp/Bloomberg
#k2 fantasy high#kristen applebees#fhjy spoilers#fantasy high spoilers#fantasy high junior year spoilers#fantasy high#Get me an art tag the thrilling saga#alright with all that out of the way: what a goddamn finale right gang#brennan actually getting the chairs out for the cast was part of what fucking did it for me in that moment#i am also worried about gorgug's romantic preferences but that's really none of my business#i spent like 10 minutes on this shit btw#i'm not expecting anything but i am also expecting everything#i'll miss fig she's cool#anyways see you all monday when the game changer finale trailer inevitably drops#dimension 20#d20 spoilers#dropout#i forgot to put dimension 20 in there i was a fool and a simpleton
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I don't hate my job or anything, but man, being a float educator is so fucking thankless
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okay lol mini rant in the tags sorry i just HAD to get this off my chest 😭 sorry if this is very incoherent and poorly worded or structured or whatever i'm just. pretty out of it and i cannot really think to write this properly. well, that or i am probably just illiterate actually. Yeah that's it lol
#why are friendships so complicated#in my last year of senior high school at an all girls school#i transferred last year#and it's just cliques left and right#they all hate each other#i'm the type of person who can vibe with all of them even if their personalities are very very different#i am kind of friends with everyone in the sense that i can find common ground and have interact comfortably and enjoyably#my friend group from grade 11 (theyve been friends w each other for so long and i was the newcomer) dissolved this year bc things went down#i dont know the full extent of what happened#but those five friends split and three have merged with another group#the group that isolate my other two friends and seem to not like them#at least the “leader” of the group anyway. Not so sure about the rest#and now i am stuck in the middle lol. I have other friends from other groups but they have their own groups#the three girls already have each other and the new group (it's kind of a mix of me excluding myself on purpose and them not including me#in things presumably bc i am still “close” with my other two friends they don't like#it is a weird dynamic because me and the other group the three other girls merged with can vibe with each other#we can laugh with each other and enjoy each others company when theyre not talking shit (they rarely do it in front of ppl so i havent rlly#seen the full extent of it)#and also my two other friends are obviously closer to each other than with me since theyve been friends for way longer#i remember i had a conversation with one of my friends from the three girls that split away#it was something like i have to tell the class this and that etc since im the president#and i am not a very assertive person i am also very scared of being disliked. I told her i didn't want the class to hate me and she said#“everybody likes you you are friends with everyone”#it really doesn't feel that way. why do i feel like secretly they are talking shit#again i dont even know why we split up#but now i am just. Stuck in the middle#the thing is ive never even heard my other three friends talk shit and do nasty stuff with the new group/the main clique of the class#i havent seen the bad side to anything that i hear whispers about because ive never seen it#i havent been subjected to it either#i feel like i am wrong about a lot of things but i am just. blind or too deep into my people pleasing tendencies to not realize shit
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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Annoyed bc i'm just so so tired and can barely keep from falling asleep much less do anything but lie in bed.... Hmm i wonder.... *Checks blood pressure* *96/51* ... Yep that'd fucking do it :/
#and anything online and from dcotors is always “how to lower blood pressure” “what foods to lower blood pressure” “high blood pressure?”#and there's just nothing on how to raise blood pressure#“drink more fluids” yeah#i already am what do you think i'm doing??#increase salt? drink electrolytes?#it's just not doing anything#and low blood pressure is making me so fatigued i can barely sit up#and even when i do#I can't hold up my body#disability#chronic illness#disabled#chronically ill#low blood pressure#fatigue#rant#vent#how is this my life??#why is this my life??#cripple punk#tumblr
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i legit love when a character's gender is so integral to their personality (and perception obviously.) like so concrete that if genderbent their whole shtick would just be absolute dookie. anyways i'm just writing this text so i can talk in the tags (My beautiful safe haven)
youtube
this 14 minute song is soooooooooooo FYRE
#text#actually i'm thinkinbg about this only cus i'm drawing female neloff and i'm just like#Elder dookies fans already hate females..... imagine them tryign to handle a woman with NPD that is reaching toxic waste levels#old decaying female with NPD.#but i'm also drawing female neloff for fun cus i have an idea for a look; i don't think it's a good idea#and he is just one of those characters that feel very good in the strict cismale box.#i also feel silly talking about gender-anything in any fiction because that's a topic only Am*ricans with no real problems sweat about#if that makes sense#just not something that interests me in the slightest#actually this might jsut be fascinating 2me because it is interesting indeed to see the different ways narcissism is treated. in characters#if i keep saying females instead of women it's bc i legit love that word. Sorry#and el*nwen+ulfr*c too are those female+male respectively perfectly fitting characters too#but notice how i didn't say cis. exactly. i'm thinking about the person that said elly did his top surgery in the torture basement. 4 free#or maybe i said that and they jsut said they're both t4t. Mmmaybe#the absolute W we copped with elly being the ' ' Big Bad ' ' th*lmor as a woman who is just obsessed with the luxuries of life.#stereotypical high society woman#she's so cute#i might just be obsessed with exploring very traditional dynamics too. i love keeping it grounded yk#Me after reading too many geriatric centuries old novels and huffing copium on sk*rim#i think i legit hate having fun with wilder character personality-morphism (because it is useless) that's not working with what u have#i'm just saying things that will make sense only 2 me now. Bye#why did i develop interest-related nihilism that extends to me hating fantasy franchises and anything that isn't non-fiction#i love it tho makes me feel so sophisticated#this is what happens when nobody humbles you while you draw regurgitated glorified studentXteacher (with a medieval twist) for a year.#i'm so excited for the year to be over not bc it's bad for me but bc i wanna see what all of the n*lvas art i drew looks like together#i wanna compile it like i did with eltl in 2023#n*lvas been treating me so well though liek i've been at such an artistic Peak especially after may#i'm always at my artistic peak tho.#i have a picture of n*relion on my mspaint canvas and it keeps looking at me while i'm drawing . he scares me because who gave him -#- the t*lvas hairstyle and the n*loth beard Bro.
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