#i am actually considering suicide
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vent in the tags, (mentions of selfharm, suicidal thoughts)
my anhedonia is eating me alive so i’m making these mental illness memes to cope
#Tism vent#i am actually considering suicide#tw#tw sui ideation#like why not turn around and walk back#I wanna give up#i don’t wanna go to therapy#they never listen to me#they think they know better while ignoring my words#but I have to#my mental health is in shambles and only getting worse#and if in the next session I’m not able to explain to her in a way she understands#im going to hurt myself#not kill yet#but definitely hurt#im craving self violence#tw selfharm#tw self destructive behavior#vent#idk where else to put those feelings#my resentment and distrust is slowly becoming hate and im not okay with that#i want to defend myself#throw tables if I must#but i cannot#the only thing I can do is hurt myself further#maybe then they see they are making a mistake#maybe then someone will actually believe me#y’all honestly im scared and idk what to do#fucking terrified#i don’t want to get hurt again I want help
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magic mountain
#meposting#hermitcraft#hermitblr#hc s10#hermitcraft season 10#magic mountain#nobody ask me to explain i cant really explain#geminitay#impulsesv#smallishbeans#skizzleman#goodtimeswithscar#mumbo jumbo#grian#edit 4 days later: I thought xanax was adhd medication when I made this at 3 am oops.#since it's actually anxiety meds#consider: swap grian and scar (scar is active suicide risk bc he would accidentally kill himself)
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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hmm yknow ive never had to worry about this before cause all the fandoms ive been in ive never really been in the same space as the creators so i never had to worry about the ccs/creators seeing my liveblogs even if i only rarely did it before but since the lsers are here maybe i should just stop liveblogging?? cause like in case it wasnt obvious im a massive hater first and foremost and if theres one thing you dont show the creators its hate so like. idk maybe its time to stop for good
#mine.txt#ive also never had so many ppl look at my blog before#usually ppl dont even know i exist#like yeah its my house but if theres somebody looking through my windows im gonna close the curtains yanno?#idk. i dont really proces emotion and empathy the same way most ppl do and im heavily geared towards isolation#so these kinda things are a bit tricky for me to navigate cause i gotta consider not only my own wants#but also the wants of those who can see what i do and also my own emotions as disocciated as they are#and like on one hand why would one liveblogger quitting matter#esp since for the most part most liveblogs mean nothing and the only ones that do are the negative kinds#dont deny it its true ive seen it firsthand; nobody gives that much of a shit about neutral and positive thoughts from a stranger#but negative ones can basically turn someone suicidal even if its a ratio of 1 negative to 1000 positive#but on the other hand there Are ppl who are looking for that kinda thing on my blog#yeah yeah my own house i should do what i want whatever#but the truth of the matter is if there werent some social function attached to this i wouldnt be doing this at all#i mean sure i can decide to only liveblog when im feeling positively#but if im gonna do that i may as well just not liveblog at all#like i already deal with emotional expectations irl im not gonna deal with that on my own blog as well#i am not a positive person#i get frustrated very easily#which ppl like to say is different from anger but lbr it really isnt is it?#esp when youre on the receiving end#couple that with the actual genuine anger i feel when the lsers do an ableism#which is quite often btw#well i just dont think its worth it to put my thoughts out there
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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#yelling into the void#thinking out loud#may delete later#probably being a little melodramatic#but on evening where I feel the brink of a spiral#it is a considerable fear that once this project is complete#I will have nothing left to cling to and am more likely to succumb to to the whims to just vanish into the night#not in a kill myself sort of way but in a lets have another unprompted hiatus sort of way#these are all completely unfounded#I have more now than the last few times I did#actual friends more than acquaintances who I would not so easily justify a sudden dissapearance#it used to feel as though my impromptu projects were all that drove me#but that isn't true anymore#I only wish I could do more to show the gratitude for saving me more times than you may be even aware#That last one def sounds very melodramatic especially considering Ibjust said I was not actively suicidal#but I remember what it felt like the last time I even got close to it#and it all started with the small thought of what if I just vanish from this site...would anyone even notice?#Anyway......long rambling is long#Thank you again whether or not you read or see this but thank you for keeping me here
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its my borthday 🥺
#personal#at 10:30am EST i will be officially 25 :3#did i have a big crying fit last night bc ik most ppl arent gonna say anything if i dont actually remind them its my bday ? yes#am i still posting this bc i want to be appreciated for actually making it this far? also yes#ik ppl think birthdays are lame or whatever but they're really important to me esp considering how many times ive almost died#like i shouldn't be here! but i am! i made it! i did it! and i may have clawed my way here but i did it!#im also 5 years older now than my last suicide attempt ���#like this birthday is special and important
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#do you ever see someone get delivered a devastating line and they. just keep fucking going#like what im certain is a straight guy made a account just to go like 'actually harley quinn is the abusive rapist (and joker is innocent)'#and he keeps adding to it#a big thing hes upset about is how 'dc pandered to the gays'#bc apparently bisexuality is nonexistent#and someone pointed out how 'everything is meant to pander to something you just consider this one bad bc its gay'#this guy made a whole list of it and seems to think his smol boi joker was raped by his psychiatrist#(conveniently forgetting everything that led up to such a event)#hes also a 'barbie super fan' whos critique of the movie was 'it was too feminist and wokey'#its like listening to ratm and being surprised theyre theyre not raging against the washing machine#i think my main thing is theyre Are adaptations where she Is abusive#(telltale had a good spin on it imo)#but you pick the animated series? the lego movies? the suicide squads? her fucking Show???????? okay#all of the above showcasing how joker is Not some victim that harley abused?#okay...#idk man#its weird how something can literally look you in the eye and say 'this is a abusive relationship where the man is abusing the woman'#and Somehow you take it as '*nodding* she was a abuser because he was her client before#(and yes i am going to completely disregard anything that he did)'#.....tbh considering its coming from someone that literally said he doesnt think sexism and systematic oppression is real#im. not surprised#thinking on it i think the only reason he thinks shes abusive isnt whatever the hell he comes up with#but rather. the fact shes decidedly not straight.#like i genuinely think if she stayed being abused by the joker this guy wouldnt have had a problem with it.
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#hii.. im still not really here a lot re kpop its just not really like the most important thing in my life rn lol#but uh i guess my dog's passing is something i gotta deal on my own entirely. my mom seems pretty much over it without really taking me int#account at all. today shes even sorta like. making odd comments/jokes about it like 'i talk to toto sometimes' because we say this#weird lady on tv talking ab how she talks to deer heads. and i just stared at my mom like deadpan and just looked away#bc what the fuck. and ofc she wouldnt consider its not an ok thing to say . otherwise shes really like trying to make out that im being a#really good kid and taking care of her and her feelings bc shes inventing things in her head about me being extra nice and careful with her#shes like awww youre taking care of me <3 and im like no im actually treating you like you're a total stranger in my house because you#basically are. and anyway. im basically on my own like i always am. i just have to deal with it all alone. as always. which is like fine#its just im extra lonely and alone so <3 ive also been suicidal and really really on the edge. that's your alex update if anyone cares#to be completely honest it's been taking everything in me not to just od right now its all i can think about and i havent felt like it in#years. ive just been sleeping for 12 hours at a time lmao........ anyway yeah thats it?#mrow.org
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i love that you are still here on this earth. i am relieved that we've both made it this far. and i am so, so happy to be here on this planet with you. thank you for that.
#original#this is bc i wrote a super long post about mental health and ableism and saved it to my drafts after finishing it bc it is#intense enough to give it a breather and a second look before posting it#it started as an angry thing about suicide and ableism but ended in a long beautiful monologue that basically can be summed up w this post#which is. ya know. actually a really good sign for my overall mental health. just... considering how those topics used to spiral me#like send me into a downward mental spiral to a dangerous degree. this is way way better. (if almost as time-consuming lol)#but also i may have literally just been repeating another post i've made so#idk#but anyway thank you for being here. please stay alive bc in 20 years i am going to have a party and you are invited#i am saving you a seat just like all the other kind folks you could meet in that time if you don't run into me specifically#but you need to be alive to be able to go bc I don't think ghosts exist and i definitely can't see them if they do#so you gotta try your best okay? just like you've been doing. hold on. be brave. and i'll try to do the same.#because baby i'm going to that fucking party.#and it is going to RULE but it will be so much better if you're there too.
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throwing myself at the foot of a therapist's chair saying Please pretty please explain to me what these symptoms are caused by
#it could be 6 things it could be 1 thing I'm going to explode the sun. also tw ed talk in the tags#nicola.txt#side note it's funny how. anti self dx people would haaaate me bc of how much I consider I may have.#even though the ONLY things I've actually SELF DIAGNOSED with are depression and anorexia (which like.#I think. those r easy to tell. I'm suicidal and I lost 8.5 pounds in like 10 weeks on purpose)#the rest ? sure I have shorthand tags on my personal blog and discuss how I heavily relate to them and how#they potentially affect me#but I have not self diagnosed with those. I constantly say how I'm not sure and I am just saying what makes the most sense to me#and that I need a professional to let me know (tho full self dx is valid + I self dxd autism and i was Right <3)#but like. they'd still hate me just for daring to have Symptoms and Consider The Possibilities#because of the amount of . possibilities . that I acknowledge . there are#idk I think it's funny people will scream when someone confidently say self diagnoses ptsd or dpdr or osdd#and only considers one. but when I go 'oh I think I could have ptsd or osdd or dpdr. or maybe ptsd + dpdr / ptsd + osdd#but idk I'm keeping an open mind about it. it could be any one or something else!''#they ALSO get so so mad. like man what do you even want people to do
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idk what is wrong with meeee, i have spent the past week ish just feeling consistently on edge and nauseous+dizzy from anxiety/fear as if i've been triggered but idk what would be causing that so idk how to fix it ;-; if i am very slow getting to ppls messages it's because of this fdskfl i am doing my best to get to things within a couple days but things keep dropping off the wayside so i apologize if i go radio silent on u for a bit augh
#idk whats going on but its so bad fsdjkl#suicide tw#just get that out of the way right away lmao but i am getting Worried tbh fsdjkl things just feel Really Bad#and really unbearable and i dont even understand what is causing this for me. like. its not any of the usual things i can think of. so wtf.#i just feel trapped and sick to my stomach constantly#the one brief moment of reprieve was an hour of the old lady knitting group yesterday fsdfjkl#things felt okay for a little bit and then i left and immediately felt like i had to go take a dive off the nearest bridge fdsjkl#i dont understand fsfdsjkl like... things are not going that badly... i am doing okay all things considered ??#im actually getting things clean and tidy again in my living space finally for the first time in two years#like... yeah the living situation is bad but it Always is. so why am i suddenly not able to cope !!!!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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Argenti is actually pretty Lancelotcoded, he is deranged and even suicidal. I adore him
#I didn't expect to like him this much considering what I had seen in leaks and trailers#but he is actually not just a cringe fail man with a flare (which is also good)#he is also a wet sad man trying desperately to get close enough to something dead that he'd get a glimpse of it and its light again#He can have a piece of my heart for this after all#However‚ yet again‚ why am I like this lol#He started talking about how getting as close to death as possible is the way he has to get the shadow of the shadow#of the probable hallucination of the echo of Idrila‚ and that's the path he must walk because seeing them even if it's not real is his wish#and I could feel myself grow fonder with every word. Awww of course I'll let you try to die in the pursue of your wish. Of course#What's with me and borderline when not straight up suicidal characters what the hell#Anyway... Get in the car. I'll take you and Blade get some cookies or popcorn‚ or whatever you want. Blade's already in the car just hop in#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#I honestly was expecting him to lean more towards Galah.ad or Perziva.l perhaps. That he has the Lancelo.t air has won me over for sure#I'm sorry call me basic but Lancelo.t is my favourite
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sigh. i have seasonal affective disorder
#brot posts#both my psychiatrist and therapist have been like hey. your depression gets worse in the winter time#and only now today am i like. damn. yeah#now that im on zoloft im not like depressed per say#but holy mother of god i am so tired. so tired#emotionally and physically#i used to think i always got fucked in the head during september-february because of like school and chronic sleep deprivation#but now that im regularly getting 7+ hours of sleep every night AND not in school anymore#i must say. theres no other explanation now#like i literally keep falling asleep everywhere i can get 9 hours a night and still fall asleep as soon as i lay down#no motivation just sleep#waking up in the morning is so fucking hard#and im kinda back into that ‘i dont feel any emotions’ stage of mental illness#but like hey !!! i said this last year when i hit rock bottom#being numb and not having any emotions whatsoever IS VASTLY PREFERABLE to being in a constant everpresent state of suicidal misery#so like emotionally im just chilling. im just sitting here. me being numb and unfeeling is actually a net positive all things considered#but physically. by god. im so sluggish and so so tired and sleeping does not help at all
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I am panicking because I have not actually logged any of the jobs I applied for with cenno yet and I thought I could do that tonight but ALAS. I don't even know if I'm capable of doing any of them but Centrelink doesn't think I'm sick, my doctors don't think I'm sick, the only person who believes me is my therapist and she can do jack shit so 🙃
#flood warning#girl help i can only function for 3-4 hours a day AT MOST#i am spending almost every waking hour in bed because even having a shower is so tiring i have to lay down#but fucking no one thinks im sick#absolutely fucking no one believes me#im literally so close to actually considering suicide i hate living like this and i hate the fact that no one fucking believes me#that i am exhausted all the fucking time and its torture to get put of bed#if i lose next fortnights benefits because of this youse have to promise you'll reblog my dono post
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