#i am 1000% going to go into medical debt

[npdclaraoswald]

I hate my fucking country so goddamn much. I can't stop thinking about killing myself because I have a cavity. I've never had one before so I have no idea how much a filling costs, but there's no way my insurance covers it because it's the dog shit absolute bare minimum free option. And I have no way to pay for any sort of medical bill; I can barely do rent. A cavity is like the most normal medical problem possible and suicide is my first impulse to deal with it because this country is a joke that does absolutely nothing to provide for anyone

[itsalwaysdark]

anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day

[ridenwithbiden]

“After the killing of the CEO of United HealthCare,” wrote Moore, “the largest of these billion dollar insurance companies, there was an immediate OUTPOURING of anger toward the health insurance industry. Some people have stepped forward to condemn this anger. I am not one of them.

“The anger is 1000% justified. It is long overdue for the media to cover it. It is not new. It has been boiling. And I’m not going to tamp it down or ask people to shut up. I want to pour gasoline on that anger.”

Moore continued: “Because this anger is not about the killing of a CEO. If everyone who was angry was ready to kill the CEOs, the CEOs would already be dead. That is not what this reaction is about. It is about the mass death and misery – the physical pain, the mental abuse, the medical debt, the bankruptcies in the face of denied claims and denied care and bottomless deductibles on top of ballooning premiums – that this ‘health care’ industry has levied against the American people for decades. With no one standing in their way! Just a government – two broken parties – enabling this INDUSTRY’s theft and, yes, murder.

“And now the press is calling me to ask, ‘Why are people angry, Mike? Do you condemn murder, Mike?’

“Yes, I condemn murder, and that’s why I condemn America’s broken, vile, rapacious, bloodthirsty, unethical, immoral health care industry …”

“But don’t get me wrong. No one needs to die,” added Moore. “In fact, that’s my point. No one needs to die – no one should die because they don’t ‘have’ health insurance. Not one single person should die because their ‘health insurance’ denies their health care in order to make a buck or Thirty Two Billion Bucks.”

[stnaf-vn]

Rent + Moving + Medical Bills

Hey all, I really hate to do this and I wasn't going to but I really need the help. I am struggling at this point just to pay for groceries. I am supposed to be moving soon to go back home and I'll need to mail my things which is gonna cost I don't know how much. I also have a few medical bills from last year that have been sold to a debt collection agency, so I need to take care of that as well which equates $1000 and then some. Any help is appreciated and I have a few comm slots open. If you're wanting more NSFW stuff done, reach out to me on Tumblr or Discord. Ko-fi doesn't allow NSFW commissions on their platform. Please don't donate if you are also financially struggling!

[mthofferings2023]

black_feather_fiction

See black_feather_fiction’s existing works here.

Preferred contact methods: Tumblr: black-feather-fiction

Preferred organizations: - Center for Reproductive Rights - Native American Rights Fund - RIP Medical Debt - The Bail Project - Transgender Law Center (See the list of approved organizations here)

Will create works that contain: As you can probably tell from my AO3 works, my specialty is angst, hurt/comfort, whump and dark themes. Sometimes I write crack if the mood hits me. In general, angsty and/or whumpy prompts will be much more likely to get me inspired than fluffy ones. I really like writing Loki-centric fics, obviously, since about almost everything I've written for AO3 so far was Loki-centric, lol. I am also a real sucker for the trope of the original Avengers living in Stark Tower in domestic bliss, Clint hiding in the vents, Natasha being creepy and Loki dropping by occasionally to cause trouble and be a little shit. So if you want to ignore everything post TDW or even post Avengers (2012), that's more than fine by me!

Will not create works that contain: Omegaverse, pure fluff without at least some tension or angst, Dark!Tony, fics hating on the Loki series or on Sylvie, Slyki etc. Dark Themes, especially sexual abuse and rape/non-con: I do write about that, and quite regularly too, but fics that depict it in a positive or uncritical way or go too much into the abuser POV squick/trigger me, especially if a fictional minor is involved, so that would be a no. I usually don't get very inspired by human AUs, coffeshop AUs and the like. Exceptions may occur. No reader-insert or fics focussing on Loki/ofc, Loki/omc or Loki & ofc, Loki & omc.

  -- Fic or Other Writing --

Auction ID: 1037

Will create works for the following relationships: Loki fandom any gen - MCU Loki/Tony Stark - MCU Loki/Thor - MCU Loki/Sylvie - MCU

Work Description: Length: 1000 to 4000 words should work in any case, but experience has shown that if I get inspired by the prompt, I might write a much, much longer fic (my fic for 2022 ended up with more than 45k, lol). Please tell me if you have an upper word limit. Scheduling: Since I have a small gremlin I have to care for, my free time is even more unpredictable by now than it was a year ago. So I won't give any estimates here except that I will try very hard to keep to the soft deadline of one year. Loki/Sylvie: Be aware that I will depict the relationship as a queer and genderfluid one. Loki will not necessarily be considered always male, Sylvie not necessarily always female, and their relationship will definitely not be straight.

Ratings: Mature, Explicit

Can pods bid on this auction? Yes - Podbids welcome!

CLICK HERE TO BID ON THIS WORK

The auction runs from October 22 (12 AM ET) to October 28 (11:59:59 PM ET). Visit marveltrumpshate.com during Auction Week to view all of our auctions and to place your bids!

[vannahfanfics]

I just wanna take a moment to express my gratitude to the folks who have commissioned me! Just in the last week, I’ve gotten more commissions than probably the entirety I’ve had them, and it just means so much than y’all know. I haven’t really made this real public knowledge, but part of the reason I am reviving commissions is because I honestly need it. I’m placing the details under the cut, just because I’m not really trying to take advantage of the popularity in commissions to spin a sob story, but just because I want y’all to know what kind of impact y’all can have on a creator when you support them. 

But the point of this post is to express my heartfelt thanks to everyone who has commissioned thus far and those who may yet do so. I’m working hard to get back to the level of content I was putting out pre-medical school, and I know I’ve got a lot to do, but the support from everyone since I started my humble little circle of RarePair Hell means more than y’all could ever realize. One month of the year is already over, and I’m looking forward to creating more wonderful things that you all enjoy! 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all!

Now, to dive into why I’m compelled to write this little love letter to everyone at all: 

TBH, this third year has been a financial struggle for me; I am living in a rather expensive apartment by virtue of a severe availability shortage where I live, and it was either sign a lease with this place or face a potentially rocky living situation with my parents (details I will not go into here). I am only getting by because I take the maximum amount of student loans I can every year (I am already $250,000 in debt with a year to go, and that is without debt from my undergraduate degree!), and there’s rumors that my rent may increase substantially come August. I can’t afford to move then, and then move again for residency the upcoming year, so I’m pretty much stuck. 

Even with me taking all these student loans, I had to pull the entirety of my savings just to pay bills in the three weeks between the loan checks over December/January because, when divided evenly between the months, these stipends really don’t go far. It is even worse this semester; we get paid one lump sum every August and January, and the balance is not skewed toward the amount of months. The same amount covers August-December (5 months) as January-August (8 months). After bills, to try and put back money to replenish my savings, I am living on pretty much $1000 a month right now. Which, let me tell you, does not go far these days. It’s more than some people have, and I am definitely grateful that I have it. But it’s still hard. 

I have to pay for my boards soon, which will probably be hundreds of dollars, if not over a thousand—for one national standardized test that we have to take to graduate, mind you! Next year will be even worse because the medical school does not pay for any of the travel rotations that we do; all of the expenses are shouldered by us. I don’t know if any appeals for financial aid will bear fruit. I know for a fact that financial lability is going to limit my opportunities, which will in turn limit my opportunities for residency. To say that I am stressing about the future is an understatement. 

I’ve never been the type to ask for money, especially from online strangers, and again, me outlining my recent financial struggles isn’t a ploy to get more. But I want y’all to be aware of what y’all have unknowingly done. Seeing those e-mails from Ko-fi roll in over the last few days has moved me to tears. The fact that people enjoy my writing enough to give me their hard-earned money—when, universally, we are probably all struggling—warms me to my core. Y’all’s commissions gave me the reassurance that I have more to spend on gas or groceries this month, or have a small sum that I can put into my savings to use for traveling next school year, or have a little extra padding if something happens. 

I know I can’t make this into a side hustle like fanartists can thanks to the gray legality of monetizing fanfiction, and I don’t want to lock my regular fanfiction behind a paywall, anyhow. I write for the love of it and to make people happy, not to make money—even if it would be more beneficial to me to do so. Anyway, I know this boom in commissions probably won’t last. 

But for one month, you guys made my life a little easier. Genuinely, thanks for that. You didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t either. And I’m just really full of love right now. 

[beyblaiddyd]

I don't want to be mean to my mom because she's going through a really rough mental health time right now but at the same time I cannot keep playing the part of her mother I am going to explode. Like every time we've talked for the last 3 months it's been about her fucking piss idiot stupid ass boyfriend who she keeps telling me shes breaking up with then "secretly" going back to despite him being a piece of shit that all of us hate. No interest in my life at all like has fully forgotten I'm an independent person and not her sounding board slash ATM machine. And we're struggling with money because she quit her incredibly stable job to go back into serving at a restaurant that wont fucking schedule her hours but that she wont quit for some reason and it's like I know $13 isn't that much at the end of the day but girl our electric bill has a cutoff notice rent is coming up again soon I still have $1000 of care credit debt to pay off because of our dogs dying on top of $600 of credit card debt because of a purchase for shit She needed all of our bills are skyrocketing in price and so are groceries and gas and I desperately need to get my car inspection and registration in check but cant afford it on top of the scary medical issues I'm having that I cannot afford to investigate further so forgive me ma'am if I do not want to indulge your alcoholism and buy you beer out of my fucking savings account. Smiles

[marrowbaby]

awp xoxo

At what my Uber driver calls “the writer’s convention,” my primary concern is being able to go to the bathroom in the morning before I leave the hotel. They do not have almond milk at the coffee station in the lobby. They don’t even have oat! I am on the toilet at the hotel and my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but I’m in a different city, so I answer. It is a call from collections, attempting to collect a debt of over $1000 that I owe for outstanding medical bills. My insurance was supposed to cover that root canal. My insurance did not cover that root canal and stamps are hard to come by these days. The woman on the phone says they can pause the account until the end of the month. I will have to address this. I finish a less than satisfactory shit and get dressed, finish my sour black coffee. I go to the writers convention. None of my heroes are wearing masks. They say SPD is closing their warehouse, do I know anything about it? I know nothing. I feel guilty for using the company credit card to buy an overpriced salad. I eat the salad. I go to the reading at the bar across town. I’m introducing the poets, so I google their surnames beforehand to ensure I don’t mispronounce them. Jessica tells me her name rhymes with “jazzer,” informing me kindly that I’ve been saying it wrong, not like “laser.” Oh. I introduce the poets. I put on two masks. I take videos in the corner.

[daraoakwise]

Ok. I am a bankruptcy attorney in the U.S. and people generally end up in my office for one of four reasons.

1. Medical debt. That is a whole kettle of awful beyond my point here.

2. Divorce. Significant upheaval of everything tosses a bomb into finances.

3. Reduced income without time to plan. This is generally people who abruptly are unable to work, spouse dies, job loss, etc.

Often related to #3, but not always, is

4. Snowball debt. This is debt that creeps up $500-$1000 at a time. Car breaks down, put it on the card. Have to pay the card this month, need a payday loan for rent. Etc. etc.

The kind of debt I almost never see? Charged $40,000 for extravagances. No, it was $100, $500, $1000 at a time trying to stay alive. Buying food. Rent. A bad month, or setback (or tragedy) snowballs. And the crazy thing is, if you track it back, it is usual the result of being a few $100 short.

Part of the bankruptcy paperwork is a work up of income to expenses. And sometimes I stare at it, because it is literally impossible. They are doing everything they can, their expenses are whittled down to achingly lean, and the math doesn’t work.

A couple hundred dollars a month would change everything. They might not have that debt snowball at all. They could drop the second job and finish up their degree, or get that side business selling their art up and running, or go home and make dinner and read books to their kids, or live without stress pushing them toward a medical crisis. Or go home and pet their dog and rest.

I can’t help but think about the net societal benefit of a few hundred dollars a month. It would be more than the expense of a few hundred dollars a month.

Oh. And people would be less miserable.

Let's have the conversation about UBI.

Let the actual data and facts end the bad faith arguments.

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

[sirfrogsworth]

I got this message from a Trump supporter in my Tumblr chat. I won’t publish their name because they didn’t say whether they were okay with that being public. But I would like to respond to the message publicly. 

CNN has most of their programming on YouTube. I’m going to need you to find me a video in which a CNN representative was “celebrating” deaths. They are not reading death counts just to make Trump look bad and then doing a little dance. Trump is bad and the death counts are the consequence of his badness. 

I know all cable news is guilty of sensationalizing things for ratings. They overuse “Breaking News” to the point where it has lost all meaning. But over 230,000 people have died and most of them did not have to. 

That is something that needs no sensation added to it. 

No one on CNN is celebrating. No one is pretending to give a shit. Perhaps you might consider that people actually care about others. I know empathy is difficult for Trump supporters, but just because you can’t be bothered to care, doesn’t mean everyone is like that. 

If you want to see people pretending to give a shit, just look toward any pro-life politician. They are fighting so hard to save the lives of the unborn. They shoved a Catholic cultist with three years of federal judging experience onto the Supreme Court less than a month before election day to save unwanted fetuses. But once those unborn turn into born, suddenly they are a burden to society. 

4 million children are without health insurance. For some reason only property taxes fund public schools. So if the property in your area isn’t worth much, there isn’t much tax money to fund your schools. Which means if you live in poverty, your school will not have the resources to educate you. Then there is school lunch debt. Children are literally racking up debt because they can’t pay for their meals. 

As George Carlin pointed out, if you want a pro-life conservative to care about you after you’re born, you have to wait until you can join the military. If you survive, you’ll get an “attaboy” and some PTSD and when you are discharged they’ll deny you mental healthcare because you didn’t properly document your trauma after it happened.

That is pretending to give a shit. 

If 4 planes crashed in a day that would be the top story for several months. It would be a national tragedy. But Fox News and Trump supporters are acting like it’s no big deal. Don Junior said about COVID deaths that “the number is almost nothing.” 

3000 people died on 9/11 and we are “never forgetting.” 

230,000 die and they want to act as if it didn’t even happen.

That is not pretending to give a shit. That’s just not giving a shit. 

And lastly, let’s talk about fear. 

You’ve got two types of fear. Rational and irrational. 

Irrational fear is not very desirable. It is our brains going a little too far--fearing things that have a minuscule chance of happening. Probably the result of an anxiety condition. This is something that requires coping skills, maybe some therapy, maybe some medication.  

But rational fear is actually a good thing. I have no idea why we have this culture that wants to ignore one of our greatest survival instincts. Fear helps keep you alert and alive. Don’t toss that fear aside because you’re inconvenienced by wearing masks or whatever.  

Fear of COVID-19 is *rational* fear. We are nearing 10 million infections. 1000 people are dying every day. But death is not the only consequence. We now know that it can cause heart damage, neurological issues, strokes, and permanent lung damage. There is also a large uptick in people developing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Many of those who survive are facing lifelong chronic illness. 

There is no fear for CNN to create. The fear is real and it is justified. My father is on 24/7 oxygen and I am terrified of him getting this. But that fear helps us take extra precautions. I’ve gotten him better masks. I’ve made sure he doesn’t have any unnecessary human contact. Fear helps people remind themselves to social distance and keep that mask from slipping below their nose. It keeps them from going out when they don’t have to. Fear helps them be cognizant of who is at high risk and taking extra steps to protect them. 

FEAR. IS. A. GOOD. THING.

It didn’t survive millions of years of evolution for no reason. 

Ignoring rational fear is not courage. 

It is not brave.

It is foolish. 

[correctiveoralsurgery]

ik ive spoken about this before but its actually so fucked up how the medical billing system works and how many points of failure it has to make anything even remotely easy for those being billed. i got one (1) life saving surgery and am now strapped with thousands in debt but that debt is being billed from like 10 different sources which makes them hard to keep track of AND makes setting up payment plans for them way more expensive (think $100 a month on one massive bill vs $20 a month on 10 different ones). and then along that path random things can just go wrong like a $1000 bill not being sent to you for 2 years... or a $1800 bill that you set a payment plan up for going to collections because your debit card expired and the mail they supposedly sent you to notify of nonpayment just never got to you. or how when you call the original biller about this theyre unsure if they can recall the bill from the collection agency and say theyll call you back they just. never do

[creepygoth666]

I rarely do this but I need help.

I had to take a loan out just to pay off another loan that I took out to pay off credit card (all my bills come out on it, as well as I use it to pay medical and vet bills, since I've had my debit card # stolen one too many times), my huge medical deductible, as well as a financing for a new fridge since my fridge was unfixable. I was doing okay u til my dog, who has chronic pancreatitis, decided to eat something in the yard (which, who knows what it was cause I didn't find anything at all) and I had to rush her in for emergency treatment. She may also have bladder or kidney issues which will need future monitoring and I can't afford that, either.. but she's my fur baby. I put her first above all else.

I also have medical issues, and have been putting off chiropractic visits for my klippel-feil deformity related back and body pain because of the rest of my debt, and it's gotten to the point now that I can't put it off any longer. I've got hyper-joint mobility syndrome on top of klippel-feil, so I'm currently trying to manage both shoulders being dislocated and refusing to stay in place, the muscle pain that that causes, two popped ribs on my right side, and something pinched between my shoulder blades in my upper back making my right arm very tingly and unable to lift it very much. Ibuprofen and tramadol is no longer working to manage the pain, and I can't take acetaminophen or naproxen, they don't do anything at all. I technically shouldn't be taking the ibuprofen either with my blood pressure meds, but it's the only thing that (now barely) works.

Needless to say, I'm in dire need of money. My credit card right now is at $1000 needing to be paid, my loan is $200 a month right now ($5900 total), and my mortgage is due in a week ($661/mo). Any help at all would be really appreciated. I am working full time, but my PTO is completely used up and I can't afford to take time off, and every paycheck goes directly into the credit card and right back out because of emergencies. I hate this. I'm so sorry for having to ask for help. If I could just get the cc paid off, I could go to the chiropractor to get my back readjusted.

Please.. I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to go for help. I really appreciate any help I can get... Even if it's just to spread this around.

V**mo: creepygoth666

P*ayp*l: creepygoth666 or gothgirl_prophecy@yahoo.com

[sentimental-apathy]

For the first time in a year and a few months, I seem to be slightly manic and unable to sleep... I’ve been emotionally tumultuous for several days with crying spells and random bouts of just pure rage and/or anxiety. I am severely depressed. I’m hoping I am able to sleep tonight cuz I just cannot deal with a whole downward spiral where I end up hospitalized again... I just. I can’t. I feel so stuck. Like I know I need therapy but yet I’m not in the right environment for coming home from therapy because when I come home, lol I’m gonna come home to what I went to therapy FOR in the first place so like this part of me has been putting off real therapy with a certified therapist for literal years cuz I’m like discouraged at the thought of discussing my trauma from childhood only to have to deal with the emotional impact of those discussions when I go home and am face to face with the very parental units that I know caused this trauma and this ptsd... so I told myself I’ll get therapy once I’ve moved out my parents house... but then I find it impossible to succeed financially because I’m SICK lol.... I find it physically, emotionally and mentally impossible to manage working 40+ hours per week for $10-13/hour only to take home less than 1700/month after taxes and to rent a halfway decent one bedroom apartment around my area is like 700-1000 plus utilities, on top of health insurance, on top of car insurance on top of a car payment on top of gasoline on top of cost of food and credit card debt, etc.... like 🤬 . And that’s considered a GOOD wage because it’s not minimum wage but like I still cannot live sustainablely or comfortably on that budget... I’ve tried. I think my issues mentally and emotionally are stunting my ability to sleep, sometimes even bathe, and eat right and the nerve pain, arthritis, and neuropathy and IBS just adds on to the misery since I am forced to work a job on my feet for hours. And I’ve been denied disability 3 times now. I’ve given up. So I’m doomed to just trying to bust my ass and grit my teeth and bear the physical pain which is FINE lol I can do that but the mental and emotional gymnastics going on in my head every day is enough to exhaust alone. I’ve also been considering taking out loans for a degree BUT... I might not be functioning well enough to actually engage in, commit to, and complete the courses so I can’t help but feel extremely anxious about signing a legal obligation to pay for classes that even if I finish will not absolutely garauntee me a stable steady job after... nonetheless I am set on taking medical billing and coding at some point but I can’t help but feel that even if NOTHING was wrong with me mentally or physically, even if I had NEVER been traumatized or won the genetic lottery for mental disorders.... the mere reality that in order to simply EXIST somewhat comfortably for the rest of this life I have to work 8+ hour shifts 5+ days per week for basically the rest of my life just so I can live in a house that belongs to a fucking bank not me lol... and that at any moment any place I work at can follow the “at will employment” stance of being able to fire my ass whenever... so that financial “stability” is always in jeopardy from an unstable, unbridled, unregulated capitalist society in which I’m brainwashed throughout all of childhood is actually a free market where all your dreams and goals are possible as long as you work hard!!! 🙄

TLDR: Am I ill and disfunctional??? Ooooor is the society I’m stuck in ill and disfunctional and just all around ridiculous???? And I’m one of many who are just like surrounded by TRUE insanity in this world while being deemed the “insane” one because I find it hard to navigate an economic landscape that is so perverse in nature that 44% of employed workers only make an average of $18k per year... and people still go to the polls and vote for candidates who WONT CHANGE ANYTHING OR CREATE POLICIES THAT WILL ACTUALLY HARM THE WORKING CLASS...

[anyu-blue]

~

Medical stuffs below the cut. Nothing graphic.. just me lamenting how our system is failing and possibly killing me more than it was before.

So aside from the mid-apocalyptic headline in the newspaper this morning about how our state isn't getting the number of covid-19 vaccines it was promised, the government blaming low supply, and the supplier blaming the government's refusal to give orders to distribute supply that is very much there.... I had hope today would be helpful.

Turns out the doctor I've been bugging with my ailments REALLY did not want to see me and kept calling instead. Then he told me that I was too impatient and if I really really wanted answers I needed to go to the hospital... Oh but he didn't mean the hospital.. he meant the emergency department of the hospital, and based on my insurance it was going to be extremely expensive and he'd rather i tough it out for another week waiting for blood results to come back, and THEN refer me for any scans that might be necessary (another week minimum after the results until they could get me in after the results are back)...

It's been nearly a month.. or has it been longer than a month? Tough it out tough it out tough it out.

I've HAD to call off work because I couldn't see straight or hardly move!! I couldn't drive in that condition!! Let alone be by myself for 8 hours!! I might have to again in the time I'm kept waiting!! I CAN'T afford that!!!

So.. go to the ER... Where it's literally (seriously I'm not kidding, I have Medicaid which usually covers all deemed-necessary expenses) $1000 to walk in right now due to limited supplies, low staff, and limited capacity. That's BEFORE any work to help is done.

??? What?

I... I can't.... I can't afford that...

I'm not going to lie and say my eyes are dry.... Right now... Because they're not... Even though crying is probably only hurting me.

Lol

Doc thinks I've got a major infection (as do I!!!) In my abdomen. Doesn't know which of two (possibly 3) specific organs... And therefore will not and cannot prescribe treatment.... Even though they all have the same starting treatment of antibiotics/penicillin. Nope. Can't prescribe without knowing- which through his office will take a minimum of 3 weeks. Kaaay....

I just... I just... I'm so sick.. more than my normal sick... And idk what to do. I cannot convey how scared and desperate I am through this text... How the thought makes my vision blur streaks and grabs my throat so tightly I can't breathe...

I'm scared. I'm hurting. I might also be dying from an easily curable sickness... And I don't have the money- NO ONE I know has the money- to get the help I'm asking for. Wait.. the help I NEED. I was told to tough it out as long as I could.. I did. Told to call my doctor if I didn't get better. I did (and she's too busy even to take a phonecall from me or call me back). So I took it into my own hands and begged to be seen. Was given a Covid test which was negative and 2 H Pylori tests- immediate one was negative and the one that took nearly a week to get back- SURPRISE also negative.... And told to discuss my symptoms again over the phone.. which didn't help the first time. How.. how does that make sense?

I can barely pay my bills right now... Especially with missing two days of work this month... Thank the Gods for my amazing boss pulling some strings for me and adding the $1 differential to my paychecks even though I'm the temp... Or I wouldn't be able to at all. $1000 and more... CT scans too alone are $3000 and that's what he told me to ask for up there... After rapid testing labs... Some of which I know from being a phlebotomist a few years ago were $150 a pop THEN... Gods what are they NOW?

I'm not the only one suffering. I know I'm not. I will not be the first nor the last death from our corrupted healthcare system if it comes to that either... Lol... Nor will I be the first or last who keeps waiting and waiting and ends up in the ER anyway... Racking up even MORE bills than if I had just gone in right away....

I'm so distraught and lost (gotta save gotta save gotta save!!! So sick so sick so sick!!! ????????) I had to call my sister.... I'm so lost that even with all my experience I need someone who has none to tell me what to do out of my options...

I am toughing it out until Monday.... Going in to a different clinic ASAP where they see people from $10-$100 up front (medicaid is usually free but at this rate I don't trust that)... If they can't help me or won't like this other doctor... I'm to go straight to the ER... And we'll figure out the thousands of dollars in expenses however we can....

I hate this.. so much... I understand it's not perfect in other countries either.... But I don't really know of many more 1st world countries (can we even be called that any more?) where people are literally dying and drowning in medical debt... And are dying Because of their fear of the costs... And are dying because they choose the cheaper options... And are dying because they can't get help in time due mostly to costs and also to our fucked up referral system ....

[corgi-yamper]

We need help. Again.

I am sorry to ask this, but things are getting worse, I am overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to do.

I will preface this with: I am a disabled trans man, as is my partner. We live on $775 a month on SSI. Our rent is $221 a month, phone bill $20, and internet $40. Basic essentials and gas add up to around $70 a month. We have to buy food out of pocket until the 10th each month, when our food stamps come in. We have two pets, a cat and a dog, which we provide for.

Due to several circumstances out of our control, we are in debt and can’t afford to pay it off. I’ll break it down.

We missed rent in October and another month, I don’t know when as they didn’t notify us until January. We’re on a payment plan, but with these other problems I’ve no idea how well it’ll work. That is $435, and we still have to pay every month’s rent on top of trying to pay that off.

In December our payment of internet did not go through. I have it on auto pay, and I didn’t think to check to make sure it had gone through. I checked my account in January, and found that out. I’ve been manually paying the $40 a month, but it keeps jumping back up to $80 due to being nearly 2 months behind. I don’t know when they may shut off our internet due to that.

I started seeing a psychiatrist a couple months ago. I was getting my medication from them, they were aware I had no source of income. I was not told until recently how much money I owed them, and now I can no longer see them or receive my meds until I am able to make a payment. It is over $500, I do not know the exact amount right now and I dread to check. My medication was adding up to be around $35 a month. Honestly, I am going to try to find a different psych with a sliding scale, but this is still a big problem.

I have to get my car ownership renewed this month. That is $50. If I don’t do that, it will no longer be legal for me to drive my car.

I was scammed on PayPal a few months back and am in the negatives- -50. While I would like to pay that off, it’s mostly on the back burner right now because of these main problems.

I will gather proof and add to this post as soon as I can, but my stress is through the roof, my apartment is a mess, and I can’t find everything I need for that right now. But I promise this is all true and we really, really need help. I am working on applying for SSI- in fact I have, but I have yet to hear from them. We’re looking into programs that will help us as well, but I don’t know how long that will take.

If you have money to spare, even if it’s just a dollar, please send help. If you don’t, just reblogs will help. I don’t even know where to begin with a goal for this.

0/$1000

You can send money to my partner’s PayPal at emc19702@gmail.com.