#i also can't see them getting together properly before for reasons of age but more in teh snese that these two imo

[purpurussy]

.

[pbaintthetb]

weird vibes of I kinda almost lowkey wanna write Sangcheng except I think I'm incapable of writing them in a fic where they get along (or even like each other all that much) and I know I'm incapable of writing satisfying romance if the characters dont' like each other- or at least it can't end in romance so. Stumped.

[secretlyhuntokar]

Penumbra podcast Junoverse headcanons

(under cut because there are a Lot) ((Also spoiler warning up to Thief's Honour pt 2))

- Juno leaves notes in his and Nureyev's room on the Carte Blanche if he gets up before him so Nureyev doesn't worry he left again

- One of the main reasons Nureyev is scared of aging is because he's already lived a full hallucinated life and doesn't want to waste any second of his real one

- Juno wears a trenchcoat because Rita was really into old Earth noir detective streams when they first met and she bought a trenchcoat for him. And it was the first gift someone had bought for him in years.

- Juno still wears that trenchcoat to this day

- Nureyev once bought/stole Juno a new trenchcoat and while Juno thought it was a really nice trenchcoat and a sweet gesture, he never wore it because its not the one Rita got him

- Nureyev likes to see how many of Vespa's knives he can steal before she notices and yells/threatens him for them back

- Vespa taught Buddy how to play Rangian Street Poker

- The Ruby Seven is green because wherever it's from, Ruby is their word for green

- Rangian Street Poker varies very slightly across Outer Rim planets, and even more so on the Solar planets

- New Kinshasa's version of Rangian Street Poker is the most similar to the Solar version out of all the Outer Rim Variations

- Nureyev and Rita make each other jewelry. Rita hands the jewelry she makes to Nureyev directly, while Nureyev sneaks what he makes under Rita's door at night, or leaves it on her seat for her to find in the morning

- Rita is from the Cerberus Province or someplace similar to it. Or she spent a lot of time sneaking out to the Martian sewers while growing up and befriended the Martian sewer rabbits

- Jet didn't know how to wash his hair properly and one time it got especially greasy after changing the Ruby's oil or something, so Rita showed him how to clean it properly. Since then they try to have a 'spa day' sort of thing once a week

- The Mechanisms are somewhere Out There in Junoverse

- Buddy Aurinko has met the Mechanisms, and Vespa has not. She is definitely not jealous about that. Nuh uh.

- Buddy is naturally taller than Nureyev but she does not know this because Nureyev is always wearing heels that make him appear an inch taller than her. No matter what shoes she herself chooses to wear that day.

- Nureyev kept the handcuffs from the Murderous Mask ep

- The entire Carte Blanche has matching friendship bracelets that they made together (suggested by Rita and organised by Buddy). The Ruby Seven's bracelet was made by Jet and is tied around its steering wheel. Nureyev also made it one later on, which he hid under one of the seats.

- Juno has 10 eyepatches he frequently wears and they are all identical.

- Juno and Slip would've loved each other if they had the chance to meet properly. Platonically or romantically it doesn't matter. Either way, they would pretend to be jealous of each other around Nureyev for a while, until one day Nureyev catches them watching a shitty stream together, making fun of the bad writing.

- Slip didn't want to be revived

- Slip was sometimes conscious enough to hear everything that happened around him

- Slip calls Nureyev "Petya" either because that's the Brahman pronunciation of it or because he misheard the first time they met and it stuck as a nickname

- If Petya is the Brahman pronunciation of Peter, then Mag was the one who changed his name to "Peter" so it "sounded more Solar"

- Buddy and Vespa dye their hair together

- One time they were real tired while dying their hair, and accidentally switched the colours around. For a few months Buddy had green hair and Vespa had red hair. Vespa has a photo of her and Buddy with swapped hair colours as her comms homescreen

- Juno used to think diamonds were beautiful, and now can't stand the sight of them

- Ben would teach Juno to dance (I think this one is canon? Juno's "I had a good teacher" line in Man in Glass makes me think so? And it might've been brought up in other episodes too)

- Juno couldn't bear to do any sort of dance for years after Ben died

- Juno tried to keep the dahlias and roses Nureyev got him for his birthday alive for as long as possible, but they probably wilted either during the THEIA stuff or soon after he left Hyperion city. They still sit in his office though, and he has a photo of them from before they wilted that he looks at sometimes

- Buddy sometimes does her makeup in a green that matches Vespa's hair. Vespa does the same, but in red

- Nureyev used to not have a favourite colour, but it became gold after Man in Glass

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

"Do you think it is odd to be this in love with someone?"

Sometimes, when Sirius spoke like that, Remus thought he was in a dream. So he pinched himself to reality, and he couldn't believe Sirius was between his arms. That they had had sex in a sweet way this time after their stupid discussion.

Sometimes, when Remus's heart raced like that, like it was about to explode out of his chest, he believed this was it. Sirius was the love of his life and he would never love someone like he loved him. Ever.

"Odd?" Remus asked softly, as he ran his fingers through Sirius's hair. He was so gorgeous with his hair messy like that.

"Like I feel l don't breathe properly when you are not around" Sirius explained, squeezing Remus's waist tighter.

"I feel the same" And he also felt like his chest burned and his heart jumped when Sirius was near "Why do you think it is odd?"

Sirius snorted "We are young, Moony. We are supposed to get out of this castle and live the life that is supposedely ahead of us, meet lots of people and have a lot of lovers before settling down..."

Remus unconciously clenched his jaw. "Are you saying that you want to meet other lovers? Are you so early breaking up with me?"

And he chuckled after, to show this was hurting him less that it was.

Sirius giggled cuddling closer "No! That's the point, Moony! I can't imagine loving anyone else, anyone more than you"

Remus smiled. If everyone could see how adorable his boyfriend was. He was so soft and romantic. Sirius acted like a rockstar, cold and badass but this was the real one. Remus also loved being the only one with access to this vulnerable version of him.

"So, don't ever leave me!" Remus said, practically begging. Pathetic, he was "Don't ever fall for anyone else"

"That's not what society wants from me..."

"Fuck Society!" Remus exclaimed, making Sirius laugh "Since when do you care about society?"

"I don't" Sirius turned to face him. God, he was so beautiful. Breathtaking even. How did Remus get so lucky? "I'm just scared of being too attached to you and then losing you" and as he said it, his eyes filled with tears "There's a war coming..."

Remus wiped the discreet tears that threathened to appear. There was a scary world out there. They had been living in a comfortable bubble of pranks, jokes and parties. But there were people dying out there. And Remus was a werewolf. If he survived enough, if he survived the war, there was nothing waiting for him. All of his friends had dreams for the future. He had nothing to hope for. Remus got depressed when he thought about it too much.

The only thing he could do was help Dumbledore locate Grayback and his pack. That had been the reason of his discussion with Sirius. Remus wanted to help. Sirius didn't want to let him.

"We're going to stick together, right?" Sirius asked, interrupting Remus's thoughts "You're going to love me forever, right?"

Remus caressed Sirius's cheek "Until the day I die" he swore because he was sure of it. He didn't care if he was young, a dumb teenager (actually off age now) in love. It was true. He couldn't imagine a universe when he didn't love Sirius Black "Even beyond"

Sirius smiled and kissed him softly.

"Please, God, Universe, whatever" he thought as they deepened the kiss "Don't take him away from me. I think I would die without him"

Their little snogging session was getting heated up again, when they were interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

"Are you done shagging or what?" James asked from the other side "I'm freezing out here"

"Bloody hell!" Peter added "Open up! We want to sleep"

Sirius and Remus giggled in complicity. Sirius, resting his head on Remus's shoulder.

"I can wait to move into our apartment and have time for ourselves..."

Remus's heart raced. He couldn't believe he was moving in with Sirius after school. His Sirius.

"Me too"

KNOCK KNOCK

"If you don't open up the door now, we are kicking it down!"

"We can't actually do that, Pete..."

"Shut up, I am threatening them..."

"Fucking hell!" Sirius groaned as he sat up "Coming!!"

Remus laughed "I'll open the door" he murmured to his boyfriend.

"Cheers, Moons"

James and Peter were still knocking desperately.

"Give me a kiss first" Remus said.

Sirius obeyed with a smile.

[raviollies]

Also since what happened in the timeskip was left entirely ambiguous I get to write my own stuff:

> Daee's mental health was already suffering by the end of inquisition due to feeling betrayed by Blackwall, Clan Lavellan being killed, Dorians departure for Tevinter and the shaky situation of Inquisition. By the end of Tresspasser he is at his lowest due to the revelation of the Elven gods and Solas, losing a limb, losing access to magic due to the anchor destabilizing his mana flow, corrupt nature of Inquisition and Dorians possible departure. There were points where he contemplated ending it.

He was forced to spend several weeks on bed rest due to the injury, which led to deconditioning and weight loss due to mostly sleeping, leading to needing physio therapy to aid with walking.

Due to this Dorian postponed his return to Tevinter to aid in his recovery. It was a fairly unpleasant process for both; Daee feeling profoundly ashamed of needing help with basic tasks (bathing, walking, brushing his hair) and feeling like a burden on the bright Magister who could be changing things and is instead playing caretaker, and Dorian for seeing a loved one so self hating and physically ill. The recovery takes a long time, but they do make it through, but it's a bumpy ride. Eventually Daee does get to a more stable place mentally but he certainly isn't the same as he was before, and holds a deep grudge against Solas, because it's easier to place blame all on one person. Daee cannot thank Dorian enough for all that he did.

Once his body stabilized he regains the ability to cast. Because of Well of Sorrows, his mana regains much faster, and his aging is slowed considerably but neither notice it yet.

> Once Dorian departs for Tevinter, Daee travels the south to explore old Elven ruins to gleam any information on the gods and Solas and hunting any Venatori he finds along the way, gaining the moniker of "Demon of the South". Dorian is immensely proud and though he can't say who he's in a relationship with he swaggers a bit past Venatori in Minrathous.

> They visit each other frequently through an Eluvian. Dorian works hard at the magisterium to one day be able to show Daee Minrathous proper at his side. While visiting Daee sticks to his estate due to the danger being outside poses, as both the Inquisitor and a young elf. On occasion Dorian and him will take a walk at night in low traffic areas, with Daee wearing a cloak to conceal his ears, particularly to watch fireworks on Holidays. Dorian hopes he's alive long enough to see a free Tevinter and they can enjoy festivals together. No one knows of their relationship, not even Mae or the Shadow dragons, though that's to avoid of getting a target painted on them, as they are safer the less they know. Only people aware are Varric and Vivienne.

> They did have a brief vacation to Antiva as a sort of "honeymoon" though for obvious reasons they are not officially married. They hope to return for the 10 year anniversary.

> Dorian does attempt to learn Elvhen but obviously struggles. It brings Daee great joy never the less. After meeting Mae and some of the Shadow dragons, Daee attempts to learn some Tevene, though with equal fumbling. The first things Dorian teaches him are swear words (but technically the first word he learned is "Amatus")

> Dorian commissioned a fancy prosthetic for Daee with full articulation. Though it requires Daee to use magic consistently for it to properly work, it is designed with a mage in mind, and is not a dramatic drain on mana. It is properly fitted with measurements to be that of his right arm. Though he cannot cast with that arm, Daee had been teaching himself to cast with his right arm, and carry the staff in his left.

> They decided that if they're both alive after the events of Veilguard, to find a quaint place in the woods, far from others and adopt (an Elven child, ideally from an Alienage or Tevinter.) Dorian feels as though he's imparted a lot to the Shadow dragons and they can handle themselves, and can work with the Magisterium from a distance, and using Eluvians to travel.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Hello, I have a question and you're the only person I can think of who can answer it properly. Not sure if you subscribe to the "Akutagawa fell first" belief for sskk, but if you do, what do you think was the moment in canon that made him fall for Atsushi? Or was it more of a gradual process?

I personally can't pinpoint it because he seems hopelessly smitten during the Moby Dick fight but before that there's nothing. What do you think?

Omg thank you for asking me this I have extremely strong opinions on the matter. This got way longer than I predicted but honestly what did I expect?

I DO firmly stand by the “Akutagawa fell first” statement. I mean, as I've said before, it's hard to interpret the canon events in a way that doesn't frame Akutagawa being in love with Atsushi, while when it comes to Atsushi it's arguable he would even fall at all, and definitely didn't within canon¹. SO, in my very unbiased perception of canon (lie), here's the story of Akutagawa falling for Atsushi:

Akutagawa gets assigned Atsushi as his target for a mission. He doesn't have any strong impression on him. He doesn't know anything about him.

Akutagawa talks with Dazai. Now he's got very personal beef with Atsushi.

Akutagawa and Atsushi fight on the trading ship. There's clashing of morals, the personal beef becomes even more personal and it's surely accentuated by Atsushi defeating him. He definitely hates him with all his guts at this point.

Akutagawa and Atsushi meet again on the Moby Dick. Akutagawa still hates Atsushi, but talking their feelings out on the bridge and on the elevator is a first step towards actually understanding and warming up to each other.

Akutagawa and Atsushi fight together against Fitzgerald and share some heartfelt words of support right beforehand. I'm like, 200% sure the exact moment Akutagawa fell in love with Atsushi is when he told him “if you asked me... I'd say Dazai-san has already recognized you long ago”. Because that's everything for him!!!! More exactly, that's everything Akutagawa ever wanted to hear. That's the most valuable words in the world for Akutagawa, and them coming from Atsushi... I think that made them all the more meaningful for him. Atsushi saying those words meant signing a death sentence for Akutagawa.

They fight together against Fitzgerald and I like to think Akutagawa found it a particularly romantic experience. He's fought alone his whole life, it must have evoked a warm feeling in him. He falls harder.

Now, Akutagawa loving Atsushi doesn't mean he will accept he loves Atsushi. I mean, it's Akutagawa, he's bsd's most stubborn character, and on top of that hating Atsushi is his main drive– he's definitely going to spend ages in denial. He'll meet Atsushi again looking all gloomy one day and he'll be like “Oh shit what's up with that sad puppy face. Oh shit. I guess I'm not fighting Jinko today because.................. Defeating an enemy while he's unhappy will earn me no honour. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. It's not that I like him or anything��.

The Cannibalism events happen; Akutagawa and Atsushi beat up some more people, share some more heartfelt moments. Convincing himself that he doesn't like Atsushi is getting harder by day for Akutagawa, and that perhaps makes him the most hostile he's ever been to Atsushi; but he also is in the most harmless way anyone can be hostile. He keeps threatening Atsushi, but he never follows up to his words. Atsushi insults him in the most hurtful way, and he just kinda lets him. He tries to leave Atsushi behind; he turns back to see if Atsushi is tagging along. In the mines, Atsushi is endlessly cruel to Akutagawa, but that's really nothing new; what's new is Atsushi saving his life, Atsushi showing compassion to him, Atsushi wearing Rashomon. What's new is that now he understands Atsushi a little better. And now he's back home with new vivid images of Atsushi in his mind and a freaking self-sabotaging deal he had no reason to accept, and he really can't keep pretending he doesn't love Atsushi anymore.

There's a long narrative break between Akutagawa's Cannibalism appearance and his next appearence. Thirty chapters pass. I like to interpret this long pause as a moment of self-reflection and change for Akutagawa: he finally admitted to himself that he loves Atsushi; he knows that Atsushi doesn't love him back. He stopped killing. He started revalutating his life choices. He knows he doesn't have much left to live. He starts spending more time with his family– maybe even with his coworkers. And he goes to meet Dazai when he calls, and Dazai tells him that he will save Atsushi and he knows the reason why, and Akutagawa knows the reason. And he dies to save Atsushi because he loves him, and it doesn't matter that Atsushi doesn't love him back, what matters is that he does and that his life is worth dying for.

1. I mean. maybe it is arguable. I warmed up to the idea a little more than what I could have said six months ago. But it's still only remotely possible.

[zetsubobu]

Yk what, since I won't be able to sleep anyways

Some more evil raised lloyd hc (season 4-5):

💜 since lloyd decided to finally take his role as the green ninja to heart in season 3, he's very disappointed that the team immediately fell apart after zane's "death"

💜right when he wanted to do a change for the better and try to get closer to the team

💜which is why he is the one that tries to pull the team back together

💜convincing them goes a bit harder though because the ninjas are not as close to lloyd so when he comes to them, they don't believe that Lloyd sincerely wants to get the team back together and instead think that wu probably ordered him or something

💜so it takes more for him than just one try to convince them. But ninjas never quit, do they? Atleast that's what his uncle always said

💜so he finally does get them all together, the plot goes as it normally does. When garmadon suspects something is off though, he doesn't follow lloyd because he was just worried about his safety

💜ofc that is still the primary reason, but garmadon also worried that chen might use lloyds past to try to convince him to join his group

💜 so yea towards the end of the tournament, it's not kai that chen tries to convince to join him, it's lloyd because lloyd already opposed the ninjas before

💜 however it's during the tournament that lloyd finally grows closer with the team, especially because any of them could lose and get locked away in the noodle factory at any point of the tournament

💜And after that roller skating fight, it's when he starts to grow closer with jay and especially kai since they could've just abandoned him and let chamille win because of how he used to treat them in the past

💜though kai and jay acknowledge that they can't be too mad at him for how he behaved since if someone banished the person that mattered the most to them, they wouldn't have been sure if they turned out good either

💜the rest goes through like it normally did and lloyd had even more of a break down when garmadon offered to be sacrificed to free the anacondrai generals

💜he just got his dad back from the underworld, he can't lose him again after such a short time reunited!

💜but like he did in canon, if there's anyone that should do it, it's him his son

💜when morro later attacks and possesses lloyd, he has even more resentment towards him

💜like how can it be that a literal enemy was made into the green ninja by wu? And not just any enemy in fact, but the son of lord garmadon who spent a good portion of his life being evil and helping the enemy?

💜so he's even more rough on lloyd because morro doesn't view him worthy of being a ninja, not to mention the green ninja title in the first place

💜while season 3 is about lloyd accepting the title and season 4 about properly accepting and being accepted into the team as a ninja and brother, season 5 is about lloyd proving himself worthy as the green ninja

💜also you might think that since the ninjas only just now started to get along with lloyd, they wouldn't have that strong of an attachment to him yet and kai wouldn't react as strongly when morro possessed lloyd

💜but Kai actually still does and it's because lloyd never got aged up with the tomorrow's tea. So to him it looks like someone bullying a child which is why he still reacts strongly to protect and bring back lloyd because he reminds him of nya when she was younger

💜so yea kai argues that it's because of his morals as a ninja and not because he's starting to see the little guy as a younger brother figure (which he eventually realises throughout the season though)

💜after morro stopped possessing him, he also bonded with nya again. Afterall he knows very well what it's like when your previous role suddenly gets stripped from you with no warning and you're forced to grow into a new one

💜when lloyd and morro fought, it's when lloyd finally grows fully comfortable with using the green element and not destruction anymore

💜another sign that he is ready to leave his past behind and embrace goodness

💜and him coming back with his fathers gi also shows that since his father was initially the one that made him join the ninjas and properly accept his new role

[bonny-kookoo]

𝐇𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐝 Part 3: Self-Sabotage

Sometimes, plans are too good to be true. Sometimes, plans are exactly what they seem to be. And sometimes, plans have good intentions- but they end up causing nothing but chaos.

Tags/Warnings: mc continues to hate kook, kook hates her too but also maybe not??, Angst, enemies to ???, past regrets, miscommunication!!, Fluff?, slow burn, sugar daddy Jungkook vibes, minor age gap, there's tension but this time not the good kind

Length: ~2.5k.

-> Masterlist

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Relationships.. aren't really your cup of tea.

With one of your exes in jail, the other one on a restraining order, and the newest hopefully still back at living with his mom somewhere in America, you've really had enough up to this point in time. You've gotten cheated on, gotten cheated on again, and guess what- cheated on once more. It's like you can't keep a guy entertained with you- and so when Park Jimin sits in front of you, asking you out on a date- your answer is pretty clear right from the start.

Or maybe it isn't really as straightforward as you'd like it to be.

"Can I ask why not?" Jimin asks, taking a sip from his coffee across from you. You'd suspected something like that might happen- after all, Jimin had never been one to hide his attraction to someone. And you were quite flattered, to say the least- he was a model after all. Any girl would feel their ego boosted to be wanted by a man like him, plastered all over billboards and displayed in numerous magazines all across the world. He's a sight to behold- and maybe that's what intimidates you the most about him.

He's similar to Jungkook in that department. There's a sense of.. not being enough on your part. Like you'd have to compete for the rest of your life if you were to try and spend it at his side.

"I.. I'm not sure. I feel like it would be unfair to you to say yes when I honestly haven't ever thought of it." You shrug, unsure how to quite explain your reasonings when you're not even sure of them yourself. "I'm not that.. I don't really know how to date properly. And right now, I'm also not looking for anything." You say, and he nods.

"Well, it doesn't have to be anything set in stone." He shrugs. "We can just spend time together, you know? Doesn't have to have any strings attached." He tries, though he deep down already knows that you'll decline.

"No, I mean, I'm not searching for anything right now." You say, and he smiles.

"Honestly figured. So you and Jungkook, huh?" He asks, and you almost choke on your cookie you've been attempting to eat, not having expected to have that name be dropped all of a sudden, especially not in that context. "Hey, you can't blame rumors from spreading. Something like this doesn't stay low-key with a guy like Jungkook at your side." He jabs playfully, though you're visibly confused.

"What the hell are you talking about?" You ask, voice raising in pitch at your complete confusion. "I'm not going out with him. And neither are we fooling around." You tell him, weirdly enough getting a little shy at the last bit of your sentence, as you remember the almost phone-sex-escapade you both have had a few weeks prior.

"Oh?" Jimin seems amused now, leaning back in his chair. "I must've misunderstood something then, last meeting I had. Staff at the company building was chattering like a cat watching a fly on the window." He says, raising his shoulders before letting them drop back down, clearly entertained at watching you squirm in frustration over whatever the hell those nosy women have started to make up.

"As if!" You scoff. "Jungkook and me, yeah, funny." You huff, slumping down in your chair, arms crossed.

"Why not?" Jimin asks, now genuinely interested. He's always wondered why you both seem to ignore each other to such a degree there's clearly something going on between the two of you, and it doesn't take a genius to see that. "I mean, you're pretty close, aren't you?" He wonders, and you don't react for a moment.

"I don't know." You say. "One moment he's super sweet, perfect guy, and then Boom! Asshole, makes me wanna gauge my eyes out." You say, a little agitated. "He makes fun of me and he's just in over his head all the time. Mister perfect, acting like I'm some sort of peasant.." You complain under your breath, making Jimin giggle across from you.

"Sounds like someone's got a crush." He snickers.

"Do not!" You bark back, feeling insulted. "It's more like a-… big brother kind of thing. I don't know. He's annoying." You try and justify.

"Huh." The older guy hums. "Sweet home Alabama~" He sings under his breath to tease you, and you kick after his shin underneath the table, almost hitting your own knee in the process.

"Shut up, park!" You say, before your phone vibrates. "God, can't I get a break today!" You almost yell, seeing that the guy you just had a conversation about was calling you. You pick it up without hesitating much however, ready to tear him a new one. "What do you want-"

"I need you to come to my office, asap. Where are you right now?" He asks, cutting you off. The tone of his voice makes you snap right out of your headspace you'd been in just seconds ago, the seriousness in it making you nervous- but you give him the location of the cafe anyways. "I'll send you a cab. I'll see you in a few." He tells you, before he hangs up, not leaving any room for you to argue.

"Mister perfect?" Jimin asks, but you don't respond to his teasing as you pull out your wallet to give him a couple of bills.

"It sounded kind of serious. Here's my cut of the bill-" You say, before putting your stuff together, laptop barely fitting into the worn out bag you carry around. "-good lord please let it just be something stupid like he got some prostitute pregnant-"

"How's that a 'just'-" Jimin argues amused, but you simply raise your arms before slipping into your coat.

"I don't know!" You tell him, taking the last sip of your hot chocolate, leaning over to kiss his cheek shortly after downing your treat. "I'm sorry I have to book it, I'll see you Friday?" You ask, and Jimin just smiles fondly, correcting the collar of your blouse for you.

"Of course." He says-

and you don't notice him look after you for a while, for as long as he can see you before you get into the cab and leave.

Well- at least he tried, he tries to comfort himself.

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"there you are. Sorry you had to wait, the meeting lasted longer than I thought." Jungkook says, holding the glass door to his office open for you, black button up shirt undone the first few, silver watch on his wrist catching the light a little. "Come in. Did I pull you away from something?" He wonders, and you shake your head.

Whenever he's dressed like this, and in this kind of environment, it reminds you of how different you both are. You write books for a living- you don't even own formal wear like that, and it makes the age difference between you both sometimes more obvious than other times. Right now, it's pretty evident- with your simple dress and somewhat dirty boots, you look like you still study at some university, while he, dressed in slacks and all clean and mature, definitely looks his age.

It makes you feel a little.. small.

"No- well, a little, but it's fine, honestly." You shrug, sitting down on the small black leather sofa he's got secluded from his main desk as he sits down on it first, hand gesturing for you- the gesture making you notice the silver rings he's wearing today. Jungkook has always liked jewelry, you noticed. With his Numerous piercings, he's always been one to freely express himself, be it with them or his body ink you've briefly seen here and there, but never in full. "Jimin kind of asked me out, and it was super awkward, but that's not important right now-" You start, but he shakes his head, arms crossed and fabric of his black shirt straining around his biceps.

May god have mercy on you.

"It actually is. Did you say yes?" He wonders, and you look at him with confusion.

"Why's that relevant? You gonna hook me up in some fifty shades of grey kind of contract or something?" You wonder, but he doesn't seem to bite the teasing bait you throw him this time- so you drop your attempt. "I said no." You answer, and he nods.

"Alright." He says, internally a little (a lot) relieved at your answer, before he sighs, running a hand over his face. "One of those gossip websites online has leaked photos of the company event we went to. I guess you can already see where this is going." He assumes, and you groan.

"Nooo-" You whine. "Really?" He nods somberly. "Fuck me.!" You complain, and he snickers a bit to himself.

Gladly, he thinks to himself. But right now, there's not really a good moment for jokes like that.

"I'm sorry." You apologize, and he looks at you confused. "You always take me to these things, and I got so.. comfortable with it I guess I lost touch with how dangerous it has been all along for you and stuff." You mumble quietly, looking down at your knees. "I bet we can't just say we're not a couple and they'll just let it go?" You wonder, and he looks at you with a gaze you're not sure what to think of.

"What if we simply don't?" He asks. You look at him wide eyed. You wish you could read his thoughts in moments like these, when he simply offers a glimpse of what's going on in his head, but never enough for you to figure out his plans entirely.

"Huh?" You ask because of that, and he shrugs as an answer.

"What if we say we are a thing?" He asks, and in a way, you want to say no, because where the hell does he even get the idea from in the first place?

"But why?" You question him, and he uncrosses his legs, taking up a little more space as his arms unravel, hands clasped together as his forearms rest on his knees.

"It's a lot to ask, I know." He confesses. "But it would honestly help me tremendously. Mainly in getting those cheap paparazzi off my dick with their constant surveillance and need for money in order to keep silent." He reveals.

"So you want be to be your.. girlfriend so they stop following you around?" You ask, he nods.

"At it's core, yes." He tells you. He doesn't want to bombard you with anything more than that right now, well aware that too much at once can scare you off like a traumatized pet.

"huh." You hum out loud, thinking about it. Well- would it be so bad? It would also get any guy off of you as well, helping you in focusing more on your work and less on having to try and always make sure no publisher you get into contact with feels as if they have a chance to get closer to you than on a professional level. So in a way, it's beneficial for you both, isn't it? "Alright. Cool." You nod, and he looks surprised for a second.

"You sure?" He asks, and you nod.

"Yeah, I'm alright with that." You tell him, stretching your legs for a second before you lift the strap of your worn down bag back over your shoulder. "Is that all?" You ask, and he nods.

"Yeah." He offers as an answer, before you stand up and walk out the room.

Leaving him behind, unsure of what really just happened.

Unsure if you really understood what he was asking you.

♥━━━━━━━━━━•.♡.•━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Something you've not really thought of was, that with Jungkook now tied to your name, there was a lot of demand from you.

Not only private information (that was taken care of by him and his company basically, having taken weeks to make sure you were under the best online and offline security there is), but also your work. It didn't take long for the public to find out that you were an author- several of your novels having sold out unexpectantly overnight.

And in a way, it's a slap to your face.

You should be happy, and deep down, you are. Your works are finally reaching more people than ever- but it also makes you hate Jungkook again. Because this victory doesn't feel earned. It feels.. almost pitiful. Anything you're gonna release now will always be under the wing of his popularity, taking away any feeling of accomplishment you've been able to feel in the past.

Maybe you've not thought this through. Maybe all of this wasn't really truly worth it after all- but it's done now, no way to turn back. The only thing you can do in this moment is what you do best: hide away. Something you're a pro at, as pathetic as that sounds.

So when Jungkook calls you, you ignore it. There's no use in talking to him, and he never has anything nice to say to you at all anyways, so why bother. He's just gonna mock you or something, and right now, your ego is just too fragile to take that.

His texts go unanswered. You don't wanna know what he's got to say, you don't wanna read what he might be trying to tell you. It won't change anything.

Friday comes and goes. You just don't feel in the mood for it- rather staying in bed all day, ignoring life and even your own body because why would you care about cooking food for yourself when you could rather simply sleep the day away. Your books are selling, you don't need to rush out anything new for the time being- it'll all be fine.

Jimin asks where you are. Of course he does- he probably wants to know the newest gossip you've got, or he might be missing your snacks you bring over every time you watch a movie together. But he's got Jungkook and Tae at his house, probably. He'll be fine- he won't even notice you're not there.

Saturday goes by in a blur. You don't even remember eating anything- only a headache from sleeping the entire day away, some meds you flushed down with some water to combat it all before going to bed yet again, never changing out of your pyjamas, especially once your period hits of all things. And now? It's sunday, 6 in the morning, and you're wide awake, sitting in front of your laptop on your desk, scrolling through the massive reviews to your works online, some websites and blogs even writing full on articles about them. But it doesn't do anything. It doesn't make you feel anything.

None of those positive comments is able to lift your mood.

While he's left behind, wondering what went wrong.

[seth-shitposts]

DEFECTORS, DEFECTORS, DEFECTORS-

For you? Always friend 🫂💙💙💙 😘😘😘🥰

(Stars, I badly need to organize our docs for Defectors. I'm scrapping together to see what im pretty certain I haven't shared or gone into detail of yet.)

----

The main story of defectors will be split into two or three main parts, I think. (All of it will be in the same fic, though. The chapters will just be grouped into the parts.) Probs 3.

[I have a feeling I'm going to ramble a lot in this one so I'm going to go ahead and place a cut here😅]

The Bridgers//part i

There's going to be the first 5 years, from the night of the Bridger Raid, when Ezra is 7 in 12bby through to 7bby. This is the time span in which Kallus is taking care of Ezra, slowly losing his loyalty over the span of 4 or 5 years.

Year I

Kallus is loyal during the first year, and is conflicted about the exceptions he makes for the bridgers. For Ezra. It does and doesn't go against what he was trained for. To him, the situation is much more complex than the empire would view it and he wasn't prepared for that. His training hadn't included young children and he himself being young at this point doesnt know what intitive to take. So he's figuring things out. And he reasons it with himself, convinces himself that while he's crossing into a grey area in the eyes of the empire, that the goal of this is to establish order, therefore he is still carrying out his duty.

This first year is him trying his best to learn how to take care of a child and gain that child's trust. (Because if Ezra can't trust him, Kallus won't be able to take care of his needs. Lack of trust will mean lack of desire to communicate needs.)

Through the year, Kallus also works on some of the cases Mira and Ephraim give him while they do as promised and integrate into the rehabilitation program. He quickly realizes that they aren't the type of people he had thought they'd be, but more similar to the person who had taken him in when he was young. He isn't sure if he's taking back some of his judgment from objective observations he makes about them or because of how much they're hitting one of his soft spots and he's becoming bias.

So he turns his focus to the work they give him. Which is releasing civilians who were arrested due to a misunderstanding or without any real proper cause. Ones whose cases would have sat in some officer's desk for months, or even years, before being gone through properly. All while the civilians in question would have still been in detainment. Busy work, but Kallus is helping them and it's motivating Mira and Ephraim so he doesn't mind doing a few extra hours of work every other day.

•Before the Bridger Raid, he had done quick work of climbing ranks within the ISB branch. Having finished top of his class already put him farther ahead. By night of the Bridger Raid, he is either ranked 101 or 100. So not to double digits yet, and him being there on the cusp is the end of being able to quickly climb ranks because of how further more ruthless the shark competition is.

•Kallus enlisted to the academy when he was 14 in 21bby. He lied about his age to get in because the bare minimum requirements is that you had to be at least 18. The recruiter knew he was full of shit about his age but still allowed him to join because Kallus was eager [desprate].

[The idea of Kallus enlisting at such a young age is inspired from a conversation we had awhile back with @heart-of-a-rebel16 💙🫂]

•Jovan had been a major help to him in the academy, and because of his help in finding footing, Kallus was able to qualify for the new ISB training program that became available a year later. Kallus graduated sometime around 18 or 17bby, still top of his class. It would be very soon after that that he was on Onderon, when he was around 18.]

•Kallus’s parents had died when he was very young. He barely even remembers them. For a few years he was treated as a feral alley cat; a sewer rat. When he was around eight or nine, a miralukan chef from a restaurant a few levels up slowly worked on trying to gain Kallus’s trust. And they eventually did. They took Kallus in as their own and looked after him. Kallus had slowly built trust with them, and even looked up to them. However both Kallus and the chef became sick when an virus swept through the lower levels- Kallus had just turned 14 and barely survived. Most who were sick didn't, the person who took him in among them. So when recruiters swept their way through the lower levels, Kallus seized his chance immediately, was willing to do anything to ensure his basic needs would be met and that he could dedicate himself toward a worthy cause.

Year II

The second year Kallus has grown more confident in his ability to take care of Ezra and unknowingly more attached. There isn't anything anyone can't adore about this sweet kid. By this point, Ezra has started coming out of his shell and Kallus has visibly become much more relaxed and gentle.

During the second year, Kallus works on trying to build good relationships with Tseebo and Morad. They have vital roles in Kallus’s ability to make the deal with the empire/the warden feasibly work. And for that to be done smoothly, it would be best if he also has their trust. It's hard for him to try and be friendly or personal; the loss of the squadron he had been a part of still unpatched.

He's opened up more to Mira and Ephraim, has seen how similar Ezra truly is to them. He decides to start negotiating with the Warden on shortening the sentence. He does manage to get it cut down, but he isn't satisfied so it's something that he goes back and forth with him on.

He's also realized a pattern between the behavior of imperial officers and wrongfully arrested civilians and has been working on correcting that behavior. Try and fix the problem at where he thinks the source is.

He learns more about lothal and some of it's traditions. Mira loves to talk about it and some of the ways she would suggest the empire change in order to best change and support lothal. Kallus takes notes of that and in his down time does research on that.

Kallus learns that Ephraim had also lost his parents at a young age, but the town he lived in endlessly supported him. And that's the type of community he wants to help build and maintain for Ezra to have and be a part of when he's older, for Ezra and for the future of Lothal. Kallus includes that in his notes and has a moment of curiosity- if the lower levels of coruscant had the resources to take care of themselves, would they have had the same compassion that lothalites had for each other?

Mira and Ephraim add in cases in which citizens were arrested simply because of not having resources. Of those who aren't able to take care of themselves. Or those who have people they needed to take care of. Kallus begins on helping them as well.

Year III

Kallus has taken initiative of helping establish systems of support on lothal by giving ideas and leeway to Governor Azadi and Minister Tua. They're both thrilled, and with Kallus helping back them to the other branches of the empire by advocating that if these changes are made, rebel activity will be lowered. They've been implementing these systems in short bursts, but without approval of the empire, the programs will die off or be reported since it isnt official imperial regulation.

He keeps getting ineffectual and half-arsed responses on the situation concerning the bridger's hearings. Mira and Ephraim have been exceptionally patient. Far more than he is. He was able to lessen their time, but by the time they're to be released, Ezra will nearly be an adult himself. It's not soon enough. Not for how compliant the two have been to everything asked of them.

Kallus has also been getting draw back from his superiors, been met with resistance for the changes he'd been trying to implement. That he can do as much extra altruistic work in his time, but not to bleed that over and confuse it with enforcing the regulations and mandates. They don't want to allow Kallus to reason with them on it. And many of the officers have been more and more distasteful and unaware. He hates that he's starting to feel seeds of resentment, so he carefully keeps attempting to get his reasoning across that this produces the best results. There's so much back and forth and near the end of the year, he sees how Ryder is also getting pressed into a similar corner. He starts to wonder if the empire is simply making mistakes that they're choosing to stick to or if they might actually not have what's best in mind.

Year IV

Kallus still has some hope at the beginning of the year, but as the year goes on its harder and harder to believe it. Near the beginning of the year, Ryder was accused of treason. His replacement seemed to have been aware of it before either of them were. Kallus met her months before and she's worked around on operations with him. He doesn't trust her and starts to lose trust in Tua when she seems to attempt to get into Pryce’s good graces. Kallus is much more careful about what he says around either of them, especially the months following azadi's arrest.

His impatience and anger toward his fellow officers has increased as they continue to ignore his corrections, saying that it's not protocol or not their job to take into account.

Kallus wishes to speak to Mira and Ephraim about it, but he worries that he could put them in harm's way since none of them can speak freely. He's been fighting harder to get Mira and Ephraim released as soon as possible. But he's run out of strings to pull. Over the past few years, he'd accepted several promotions in hopes that having a higher standing will give him more influence over their case. But now, instead of being met with weak responses or excuses, he's being downright denied.

At one point he was offered that if he stops fighting the front of keeping Ezra from being enlisted into the academy, that Mira and Ephraim could be released on probation. Kallus shoots that down immediately. He is not even going to entertain that notion. Ezra is too young. And he isn't even going to bring it up to the kid, because Ezra will feel that it's his responsibility to give his parents the chance for their freedom. Kallus will have to be dead for that to happen. He isn't going to allow it.

He's not out of options yet. So he's going to keep trying.

Things on lothal have been getting worse. He can't keep up with the cases of citizens being arrested and detained. The empire is choking lothal and its people. This isn't what he thought the empire stood for. When did this happen. [It's been like this and slowly getting worse, he realizes.]

Year V

By this point the only thing keeping Kallus in the empire is the fight for the Bridger’s freedom and the fact that if he simply walks away, he's putting not just Mira and Ephraim indanger, but also Ezra and Tseebo and Marida and Morad. Anyone he's grown close to. The empire would not just detain him, but go after them as well. He isn't sure what he's going to do, but he can figure that out once he's freed Mira and Ephraim. Near the end of the year he realizes that he'll just have to free them himself. He'll talk things out with the Sumars once he return from a mandatory operation across the galaxy. Once he returns, they'll make a plan of action.

-But Lasan happens. And in the same point as does Mira & Ephraim being rerouted to a prison off lothal. He tries to act quickly, if he doesn't persue Mira and Ephraim now they'll be lost but he can't bring Ezra with him deeper into the Empire.

Tseebo disappears, and Ezra refuses to be found, Morad tries to reassure him that he and Marida will find him. Kallus tries to work as quickly as possible to find Mira & Ephraim and bring them home. Stars, let him find them within a couple months.

^^^^^ [this is an organization of thoughts I've been trying to figure out and finalize for months now. ]

The Search for Mira&Ephraim//part ii

The next section will pick up right after that and through to s2e11, the era of Kallus searching for Mira & Ephraim, becoming more and more desperate as time goes on.

He helps any rebel cells when he has the chance and smuggles imperial captives away. He works with Morad and Marida when he has the chances.

Over the course of this arc, he grows closer to Marida. She's still very reluctant. Morad has helped Kallus from completely neglecting himself. He tells Kallus how they have been able to find ways to make sure Ezra is getting food and proper clothing, but any time they even see him, Ezra disappears. Steadily avoiding them.

Kallus makes himself blend back into the empire. Figures out how to produce results by framing imperial supports who actively commit crimes themselves. This aids him in gaining ranks, the higher his rank, the more classified information he's given access to.

Though, he's moved up to ISB-051 and still can't find the Mira & Ephraim.

I'm thinking of having Kallus fake Tua's death. Passes her more information to give to the rebels in addition to what she has.

Fulcrum//part iii

This would be everything from after Mira&Ephraim's deaths up to the liberation of lothal.

---

Epilogue

And then the epilogue was originally just going to be maybe a couple additional lengthy chapters of afterwards.

But I thank @mystical-salamander for going back and forth with me so much in the comments of this post because Defectors will be getting an entire spinoff as an epilogue.

So there will be

-The Concept Dump of Defectors AU

-The Fic Itself

-The Epilogue Spinoff

-and then collection one-shots that aren't part of the main story or that explore possibilities that didn't make it to the 'canon' of the au.

[lilacella]

I'm not sure if Sirius comes off a little too booktoky in this one...I feel like he is a little too cool and 'popular' xD But what can I do, that's just how I imagine him. I hope it isn't too annoying to read though 😅

Also, I aged Gilderoy Lockhart up a little for this I believe. So if you stumble across that, just ignore it xD

Nightsky

Song recommendations:

Prom Queen by Beach Bunny (tumblr refuses to let me embedd the link for some reason)

Chapter 4: Jealousy, jealousy

First Previous Next

"Wake up already you lovebirds, we will miss breakfast!" James hollered trough the closed curtains of Sirius dorm bed. Remus groaned next to him and buried his face deeper into the crook of Sirius neck. Sirius pulled him closer into his arms and pressed a kiss on his hairline.

"I am afraid we might have to acually get up, Moons."

"But 'm tired," mumbled Remus, his voice vibrating against Sirius skin. "And it's Saturday. Can't we just skip breakfast?" Sirius heart fluttered in his chest. How could he say no to this sweetness?

Since Remus and him had gotten together four months ago his feelings had only intensified. Being close to Remus was intoxicating and he couldn't get enough of it. He always needed to be close, holding hands, cuddling, snogging...and some other things as well. And Remus seemed to return Sirius desire for affectionate touches, sought them out just as much as he did, except - and that was the only hang up - when they were in public.

Remus still wasn't ready to let the rest of the school know about their relationship. Sirius didn't exactly mind whether other people knew or not but not being able to hold Remus hand whenever he wanted, not being able to take im on dates properly, bothered him more and more. Of course he didn't want to pressure Remus into anything but this was annoying.

"Sorry, Prongs, gotta go without us." He called to his friend.

"Oh come on, again? Can't you two keep it in your pants for one weekend?" James teased.

"Shut up," Sirius laughed. "Moony is sleepy, okay. So we'll join you later."

"Right sure, mate. Come on Pete. See you then. And don't forget to use protection," he yelled from the door, quickly slamming it shut behind him and Peter before Sirius spell could hit him.

"Wanker," Sirius chuckled, dropped his wand back on his nightstand and snuggled back against Remus. "Sorry bout the noise, Moonsy."

" 's alright. Just hold me." Sirius melted a little. With a content sigh he wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy, pressing his cheek against the top of his head, inhaling his scent.

"I love you."

The words had left his mouth before he could stop them. Remus seemed to have frozen in place. Fuck.

"Oh, thank you." Remus replied, suddenly sounding quite awake.

Thank you. Thank you! Thank you? Right. Thank you.

"And he didn't say anything back?" James asked, playing with a stone by throwing it up in the air and catching it again.

"He said 'thank you'," Sirius replied dryly while throwing another ferret towards the hungry hippogriffs their MC teacher had put him in charge of. It was snatched out of the air before it hit the ground.

"Oh. That's...that's rough Pads I'm sorry." James frowned in sympathy. "But that doesn't have to mean that he doesn't, right? Maybe he's just not ready to say it." Sirius shrugged his shoulders, exiting the hippogriff paddock and closing the gate behind him. "Maybe he just doesn't...He doesn't have to." James frown grew deeper.

"I'm sure he does. You should see the way he looks at you."

"Maybe he just likes looking at me. And thats it..."

"Bullshit. Padfoot, you know Remus. He isn't that superficial."

"No but he is a pushover. What if he just plays along so he doesn't have to turn me down?"

"What? No! Didn't he kiss you first?"

"Yeah but what if he only did that because he had noticed that..."

"That is an insane theory. Sirius, he likes you and - if you ask me - he loves you as well. Just give him some time to adjust." Sirius sighed deeply trying to dissolve the knot in his chest.

"It's okay. I should just be happy with what I've got with him. If he doesn't love me then that's okay."

James grabbed him by the shoulders, demtermined: "No, listen to me. That's not okay. You deserve to be loved, Pads. And you are, okay? Remus loves you and if he doesn't that's his own fucking loss." Sirius snorted, but couldn't surpress a smile. James pulled him into a tight hug. Sirius squeezed his friend lightly.

"Thanks, mate."

**

Another month had passed and Remus had still not said it back. Sirius hadn't pressed the topic and tried to convince himself that it was okay either way. Did it really matter if Remus was in love with him as long as they still got to be together? Deep down he knew the answer to that question was yes. It did matter greatly. But he pushed that thought down, together with his growing frustration about their secrecy.

Usually Sirius loved having shared secrets with the people he cared about. It made for a special kind of intimacy, similar to inside jokes or age old shared memories. But now that christmas was around the corner and all the couples around them seemed extra coupley and cuddly with each other, Sirius loathed it. He too wanted to go ice skating on the lake, hand in hand with Remus, he wanted to draw their initials surrounded by a heart into the fresh snow, he wanted to use every misteloe as an excuse to snog his boyfriend, take him to the christmas market in Hogsmead and buy him all the chocolate covered fruit he wanted. Well, technically he could do the latter but he couldn't expect a kiss in return. Not that he needed payment to do nice things for Remus but a boy could dream right?

Absentmindedly Sirius strolled through the deserted 3rd floor of the castle, on his way from his Advanced Curses class, that none of his friends were taking. When he turned a corner he almost bumped into Mary McDonald, who was so startled she dropped her books.

"Oh, sorry. Here let me help."

He quickly knelt down to help her pick them up.

"Thank you," Mary gave him a genuine smile.  When they both got up and Sirius wanted to continue his path, not really in the mood for forced small talk, he was stopped by an invisible barrier. Oh no.

They both looked up to the enchanted mistletoe sheepishly dangeling above their heads.

"Oh," said Mary. Sirius looked at her with wide eyes. This was bad. The misteloe spell was pretty much unbreakable from the inside. That's what made them so entertaining for everyone on the outside. They were trapped here, unless they kissed. This was so so bad.

Of course there were worse things than kissing Mary. Sirius never paid too much attention to her but she was a good friend of Lily so she must be a nice person. Under regular circumstances he would have probably just kissed her to get them both out of this and not made much of a fuss about it but...Well, while Remus didn't want them to be official, he was not particularly fond of girls flirting with Sirius. Sirius had told him multiple times that he didn't have any interest in girls whatsoever and even if, Remus would have nothing to worry about. But Remus did worry. And if he were to find out that Sirius had kissed someone else, even under the duress of the misteltoe, he would start all over with his 'You could have anyone, why do you want me anyways?' and the 'Are you sure that you don't want to go out with anyone else? You have options, you know.'

Sirius hated these conversations, that had been a constant in their relationship since day one. Part of Sirius was somewhat flattered, that Remus obviously thought so highly of him but the - much bigger - rest of him felt, as if Remus was trying to push him away. That nothing he did or said was ever sufficient to convince the other that he was good enough, that Sirius didn't care about his other options as long Remus was still one.

With a tortured smile he turned to Mary. The girl smiled back and took a step towards him: "Guess we have to get it over with, if we want to get out of here. There seems to be noone around to bail us out."

Sirius raised his hands defensively. "No!" Mary backed off, startled by his strong reaction.

"No sorry...I...I can't kiss you. I really can't. It's nothing personal. I just...," he trailed off. Mary raised her eyebrows.

"It's okay. Uhm...but we will be stuck here if..."

"I know," Sirius interrupted her, trailing his hand trough his hair. He sighed and leaned against the cold stone wall.

They had been stuck under the mistletoe for a good hour, all their attempts at calling for help or freeing themselves futile. Even if the other marauders might be looking for him by now Sirius wasn't sure when they would turn up. He had the map with him, so no chance using that.

Suddenly Mary let out a nervous laugh.

"Would it really be that bad? To kiss me? I mean we all know you are picky but..."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you haven't dated anyone yet. And not for lack of opportunity. You don't show interest in any of the girls. I heard Samantha Jordan is actually quite offended by that."

"Is she?"

"Yes. Apparently she expected you to ask her out last valentines day."

"Why on earth would I do that?"

"See? Picky. Who doesn't like Samantha Jordan. She's quite fit! And pretty cool if you ask me."

"Maybe you should ask her out then."

"Very funny."

"I am just...otherwise inclined."

Mary looked at him attentively. "Oh? So there is someone?" Sirius flinched. He couldn't tell her. He had promised Remus.

But he could tell her part of it...

"I just...I don't think I care much for girls in general."

"Oh." Mary pondered this new found information for a bit. "I guess that makes sense. Noone in their right mind would turn down a chance with Samantha."

Sirius laughed. "Maybe you should really go out with her."

"Quite sure I'm not her type."

"Who knows, sometimes peoples dating preferences are very surprising."

"What are yours then? Are you into any boys?"

Sirius pressed his lips together and didn't respond.

"Fine then. But if you're gay...why won't you kiss me? You're not one of these guys that think girls are nasty, aren't you?"

"What? No! Of course not. I would kiss you, it's just..."

"Ahhh," Marys face lit up with understanding. "You want your first kiss to be with a boy. I get it. Well that is really unfortunate now." She looked up to their festive prison guard and sighed. "I am hungry though. We are missing dinner."

They did in fact miss dinner, but then, finally they heard footsteps coming down the hallway and soon a familiar voice called out for both of them.

"Sirius? Mary? Maryyy? Hello?"

"Lily, hey over here," Mary yelled over to her friend who hurried towards them, James, Remus and Peter in tow. "There you are! We were starting to get worried."

"Misteloe," said Sirius while pointing upwards and threw Remus an apologetic look. Remus mouth twitched. Obviously relieved, that Sirius would rather be stuck for hours, than to kiss someone else.

Lily shot down the mistletoe with remarkable precision and pulled Mary into a relieved hug.

**

"Are you going to get anything for Sirius?" Lily asked while they made their way through the hallways on one of their obligatory prefect rounds. Sometimes this occupation had it's downsides.

"What do you mean," Remus asked confused. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"For Valentines day? It is in three days!"

"Oh. Well I don't think he wants anything. Sirius isn't much of a gift person, always says he's already got everything. Also he thinks valentines is stupid."

Lily hummed thoughtfully. "Are you sure? I mean James is similar but he still liked the candy I got him last year."

Remus chuckled. "Of course he did, because you gave them to him. It wasn't about the candy, it was about..." Lily watched contentedly how the realization crossed his face. "Well fuck," Remus murmured. "What am I supposed to get him? There is no chance to go to Hogsmeade before?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe pick him some flowers."

"In February."

"You could steal some from the greenhouses."

"Are you encouraging rule breaking behavior, Lily?"

She rolled her eyes. "You could...I don't know. Maybe do something nice with him instead? Plan a little date? You haven't been out with each other at all."

"Yes, because people aren't supposed to know."

"I don't understand why though. What are you worried about? If anyone made any stupid comments I am sure Sirius would put a stop to that quickly."

"I just...Well if you see us together...Do you never think it looks weird?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Sirius is...he is fucking gorgeous. Everybody thinks that. Even the people that despise him cannot deny that he is very handsome. And I...I am pretty mediocre at best."

"You are being to critical with yourself. You look completely fine."

"Yes, exactly. I look fine, he looks perfect. He is charming and effortlessly cool and I am a bloody dork."

"Oh come on, that's just not true. I admit, you used to be a little...loopy. But that was in first grade! You've grown up!"

Remus shook his head. "This is really nice of you but still...If people saw us together they would certainly wonder what on earth he is doing with me."

"And then what?"

"Then they might start telling him that and then he might start wondering too," said Remus quietly. Lily gently shook her head.

"Remus," she said softly. "That's never going to happen."

When Remus entered the Great Hall Sirius was already sitting at their usual spot. James and Lily were off on one of their romantic walks around the castle and Peter had to take extra lessons with Prof. Flitwick, to fix his grades before the N.E.W.T.s. So Sirius was by himself. Except for Oliver Thompson, a 7th year Ravenclaw who was leaning on the back of Sirius chair, hovering over him. They were talking. Remus couldn't hear their voices but from the look on Thompsons face he could imagine.

Since word had gotten around that Sirius was gay - Mary had accidentally let it slip and word got out quickly - the girls had stopped hitting on him but some boys had started. And they happened to be lot more forward about it. Remus quickened his pace to reach them faster.

"Why not? Come on just one date! It won't kill you," he heard Thompson say.

"It might," Sirius replied dryly. "Sorry Thompson but I am not interested."

"Really? Not even a chance? I promise I'd make it worth your while." Thompson smiled suggestively and Sirius pulled a face in response.

Remus had reached them and without thinking he stepped in between them and pushed Thompson away from Sirius. Jealousy was pooling in his stomach like acid.

"He's not interested."

Thompson raised his eyebrows mockingly "Oh I am sorry, since when is it part if the prefect duties to cockblock?" Remus glared at the brawny guy.

"Step away, Thompson."

Thompson laughed. "Look at that! Loopy Lupin trying to tell me off!"

"Watch your mouth!" hissed Sirius angrily and got up from his chair.

Thompson sneered. "Why are you defending that loser? I mean I know you two are hanging out but we all know that's a pity thing right?"

The words made Remus feel sick and dizzy but he held his position. He would not just give up now. And he knew it wasn't true. Right? Of course not.

Thompsons patience however ran out and he roughly pushed Remus aside. "Out of my way, nerd."

Remus collided painfully with the table. He was about to pull his wand when Thompson was suddenly knocked back by a spell, landing on his ass. His eyed grew wide in shock as he realized that he couldn't even complain about the rough treatment, since his mouth had vanished without a trace.

"I said watch your mouth," Sirius stated coldly and put his wand away. When he looked over to the shocked Remus, his gaze immediately softend. "Are you alright?"

Remus answer was interrupted by a loud yell from the other side of the Hall.

"MR. BLACK! Into my office, NOW!" Professor McGonnagalls face was flushed red with anger as she crossed the hall with long strides.

"All weekend?" James asked shocked.

"He can be glad that it is only that!" Remus shook his head. "That was an incredible dangerous spell! You could have killed him, Sirius!"

Sirius glared at him. "I did that for you, you git."

"That was utterly unnecessary."

"As was your pseudoheroic attempt to drive him away. If you want people to stop hitting on me, there would be an easier way, you know?" Sirius got up from his bed and stormed out of the dorm.

"Sirius!" Remus called after him but to no avail.

James sighed. "What is it with you two."

Remus groaned and dropped back onto his bed.

After Sirius hadn't returned at bedtime Remus decided to go looking for him. James handed him the map and the cloak and told him to not rile Sirius up any further. As if he had consciously chosen to do that.

He found his boyfriend in the owlery, perched on a windowsill between the birds, as if he was one himself. "Are you still sulking?," he asked gently.

"I'm not sulking," Sirius snapped back. "I just don't want to deal with you right now."

Remus flinched. He felt bad for making Sirius this upset. But Sirius had gone too far!

"I'm sorry. I appreciate that you defended me but that was...a bit much." Sirius didn't look at him and kept his narrowed eyes fixated on something in the brickwork.

"I mean, It was a little funny...but I don't want you to do something like that for my sake."

"Well that's too damn bad because I will."

Remus sighed and sat himself next to Sirius in the window. The cold air crept through the layers of his clothing and he shivered a little. Sirius must have been sitting here for a while...

"Aren't you cold?"

Sirius gave him a disparaging look. "No."

"Sirius..." Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius waist. Touching usually helped when they've had a spat. But this time Sirius shuffled away from him, keeping his arms crossed. Remus stomach twisted. He hated this.

"Please. Don't be like that."

"Me? What am I doing? Why are you like that," Sirius called out angrily, jumping up and turning to Remus. Remus could see tears glistening in his eyes. His heart cramped. "We've been together for 8 months and you still want noone to know! I get that you need time but come on! We haven't been out once and because you want to keep it a bloody secret, people hit on me and then you get upset because people hit on me. And now you are mad at me because I dealt with it in a way that doesn't suit you! And you haven't..." Sirius stopped his ramblings for a second to steady his breath "...sometimes...sometimes I think you don't even like me."

Sirius turned his face away again but Remus could still see the tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. His throat was tight.

"Sirius..." he got up and approached him carefully. "Of course I like you! I...I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't. Hey, look at me. Please." He gently put his hand on Sirius cheek, feeling hot tears on his skin and turned his head towards him. Sirius didn't resist. Remus softly ran his thumb over Sirius cheek, trying to comfort him. Anything to make him stop crying. "I am so sorry." He whispered and Sirius head dropped against his shoulder. Remus wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.

"I love you."

The words came out so easily all of a sudden, he surprised himself by saying them. All these months he meant to, but couldn't get them out. Like his body would simply not let him speak, not let him become so vulnerable. Maybe because he had been scared that if he said it out loud, it would become real. And then he would have no more excuses in front of himself to keep them a secret. And then...He truly feared what would happen if they were official.

Sirius slowly lifted his head, looking at him through long wet lashes. "You...really? You don't have to..."

Remus pressed a tender kiss on his lips. "I do. And I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I love you so much." Now he could feel tears stinging in his own eyes. Saying these words felt incredibly freeing.

They took their time on their way back to the castle. Slowly strolling over the dark pathways, hands clasped tightly.

"What do you wanna do for valentines day?," Remus asked into the comfortable silence between them.

Sirius gave him a surprised look. "Do you wanna do something? I'm not sure I can offer much. With the detention..."

"I could apply to watch your detention. I am a prefect after all," Remus grinned.

Sirius smirked mischievously. "Sounds like a plan, Mr. Prefect."

Remus looked over to his boyfriend. He was truly a sight to behold, drenched in moonlight, his silky black hair falling softly down to his shoulders, his eyes twinkling like stars on the nightsky..."You are so beautiful," he heard himself say. Obviously today was 'say your thoughts out loud day'.

Sirius laughed. "So that's why you like me, huh?"

"Bullshit. I like you because you are a mean cunt that hexes peoples mouth shut when they piss you off."

Sirius snorted. Then, after a brief pause he asked: "Would you still like me if I didn't look good?"

Remus chuckled in surprise. "Of course! But you would always look good. It's just how you are."

"That makes no sense. My apperance is hardly an ingrained character trait."

"No, it is! I mean...how do I explain this. Do you know how some people can pull off the ugliest clothing? Like no matter what they wear they always make it look good. I think that's you but with...bodies? Like you could take poly juice of...of Snivellus and..."

"Ewww why do you have to bring him into this?"

Remus laughed "Let me continue," he giggled. "So what I'm trying to say is, you could wear the most unattractive person but you would still look good. People would still think you were hot."

Sirius snorted. "You are being ridiculous."

"Maybe. Maybe I just like you too much..." he grinned. The events of the last hour had left him feeling giddy and carefree. And maybe that was the reason, why he said the following:

"I think I am ready. I think...I think I want people to know. I want to be able to point at you and tell people that you are my boyfriend. And I want all these guys to leave you alone."

Sirius face lit up and he stopped in his tracks. "Really?! Are you sure?"

Remus nodded. Sirius beamed and pulled him into a kiss. Remus rejoiced in the feeling of their lips moving together, hands and arms tightly wrapped around the other, before they reluctantly separated and continued their walk to the dorm, both smiling to themselves.

**

Since valentines, things had been nothing but wonderful between them. The reaction of the other students to them suddenly strolling through the hallways hand in hand hadn't been nearly as bad as Remus had expected. Maybe the tale of Thompsons fate had served them as a warning. People were definitely talking about them but usually left them alone. And so they spent the breaks together snogging in some corner of the castle or behind the greenhouses and the evenings in the common room snuggling on one of the couches.

But with May came study season and Remus became increasingly stressed. Sirius of course didn't have any concerns about the N.E.W.T.s but Remus spend exceeding hours at the library, revising.

Today was one of those days. Remus was sat behind a pile of book with Sirius next to him who had tipped his chair back and played with the hood of Remus cloak, when Lily and Mary joined them giggeling about something.

"What is wrong with him?"

"Don't be so harsh Mary, he's only a kid."

"He is fifteen! I wasn't that supid at fifteen!"

"Who is stupid?" Sirius asked mildly intrigued.

"Lockhart." Lily dropped her books on the table and sat down across them.

"Who's that?"

"One of the 5th graders," mumbled Remus still focused on his book.

"The blonde one. Actually quite cute if he wasn't such a baby," Mary added.

"And what did he do?"

Lily and Mary exchanged a look and Lily looked over to Remus.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Well...he said that he was going to 'romance' you," Lily giggled at her own words.

"What?" Remus looked up from his book.

"Yes. He seems to believe that he can unhitch Sirius. Absolutely ridiculous."

Remus frowned. Gilderoy Lockhart might be a little pretentious twat but he was quite good looking. A lot better than himself, anyway. Maybe he wasn't being that ridiculous...He looked over too Sirius who was pulling a face.

"What an idiot. Who does he think he is? Unhitch me...really." He turned to Remus. "Absurd isn't it?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders and turned back to his book. He felt queasy.

Since the revelation of Gilderoys plan and some - futile - flirting attempts from his side, he had become topic number one between Remus and Sirius and, by extension, the marauders as a whole. Sirius brushed the whole thing off as a kid having delusions and couldn't understand why Remus would feel threatened. Remus on the other hand was getting increasingly upset. James and Lily tried their best to calm him.

"Come on mate, do you really think Pads would cheat on you? That's mental."

"I am not worried that he will cheat, I am worried that he will leave me!"

"For a fifth grader."

Remus groaned in annoyance. "Look, I....its just..."

"He loves you."

"I know but I haven't exactly been a good boyfriend, haven't I? I made him keep it a secret for months, didn't tell him that I love him and now I am constantly busy studying. And I know he is bored. But I need to study if I want to pass and...and what if he is so bored that he'd rather spend some time with Gilderoy than another afternoon in the library..." he trailed off, feeling terrible.

James shook his head vigorously. "He doesn't care about that. Do you really think he'd leave you because he's bored?"

"Well frankly, yes. I do. Because being bored gives him time to think and then he might realize how blinded he was and how much better off he would be with someone else." His voice broke.

James put a hand on his shoulder. "Moony. You are worried about nothing. Believe me, if Sirius suddenly lost interest in you I would know."

James had a point, Remus thought. But the uneasy feeling didn't dissolve.

"Excuse me, help! You're a prefect, right?" a group of agitated students ran towards Remus who was on his way to the hall with Sirius.

"Yes. I am. What's the matter? And no running in the hallways please!" He just knew that Sirius was gonna make fun of his Prefect voice later.

"Gilderoy." The students tried to catch their breath. "He is at the Hippogriffs."

"What the fuck is he doing there," Sirius asked immediately pissed off.

"He wanted to ride one."

"What?! Does he have an urgent deathwish or something?"

"He wanted to impress...Well he wanted to impress you. Because you take care of them. So he thought if he could ride one..."

Sirius groaned loudly. "What is wrong with that kid?"

"But he got snatched!" Interrupted one of the younger students.

"Snatched?" asked Remus with growing concern. Sirius was already hurrying towards the paddock, the group of students in tow. Remus ran after them.

As they made their way downhill it started raining. Soon all of them were drenched. Suddenly a hippogriff emerged from the clouds, a screaming Gilderoy in it's claws.

Remus caught up to Sirius and grabbed his arm.

"Is this really your concern? What do you even want to do? Shouldn't we get a teacher?"

Sirius shook him off. "I can handle this."

"Sure okay, run to save him!"

Sirius spun around. "What is your problem? Do you want him to die?"

"And since when do you care about that? Or do you care because it's him?"

Sirius pulled a face, angry. "I care because of the hippogriffs. Do you know what happens if they kill someone? I won't let that happen." Sirius turned back around and continued walking.

"Sirius, wait. I...I'm sorry. I just don't want you to get hurt."

Sirius turned around again and in one swift motion pulled Remus into a brief but intense kiss. "I'll be fine."

Remus watched helplessly how Sirius entered the paddock, unleashed and mounted another hippogriff with ease and set off.

It took a few attempts until Sirius managed to free Gilderoy and steered all four off them safely to ground. The group of students and Remus watched in awe.

After they had landed Sirius grabbed Gilderoys arm and roughly dragged him off the paddock.

"Someone get him to the hospital wing."

"You saved me!" Gilderoy swooned. "How can I ever repay you?"

"By staying the fuck away from me! I've got a boyfriend and no intention about swapping him out, eventhough he seems to think otherwise. So get a fucking grip, kid." Sirius grabbed Remus hand und pulled him back to the castle.

They went back to the dorm, Sirius was drying off his wet hair and they both changed into dry clothes.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Remus said. "I was worried about him. I just...I guess I just didn't want you to be the one saving him. Stupid I know."

"Remus...you're not stupid. I mean...I guess I would probably be jealous too, if someone announced that he wants to take you away from me." Sirius pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. "I'm sorry I made you feel so insecure."

"It's not your fault..."

Sirius gently cupped Remus face. "I love you. And I don't want anyone else. Especially not this little twat."

Remus smiled weakly. "I feel like a little twat myself to be honest."

"You aren't. You are great. And you would never be so stupid. Trying to ride a hippogriff...fucking maniac."

Remus leaned his forehead against Sirius.

"Will we be okay?"

"Of course we will, Moonsy. We'll be just fine."

**

The exam season went by in a blur off study sessions, eating and sleeping. The last exam had finally passed and Remus could feel reasonably confident that he'd be leaving Hogwarts with decent grades and he could enjoy their final night at the pub without worries.

"So you two will start Auror training?" Mary asked Lily and James.

Lily nodded. "It sounds like it's quite challenging but I'm up for it"

"Of course you are! You are brilliant," James beamed at her and she blushed a little.

"What about you Pads, have you decided already? Are you going to join us?"

"Nah, don't think so. I would probably get into trouble the first week." Sirius grinned. "I thought maybe I'll do cursebreaking."

"Cursebreaking?" asked Peter surprised. "Isn't that super dangerous?"

Mary nodded, concerned: "I thought that was a job for when you desperately need money...didn't you get a bunch from your uncle?"

"Yes but I will certainly not rest on it. And I think it will be fun. I mean can you imagine me working for the ministry?"

Remus hesitantly shook his head. He couldn't. Actually cursebreaking was the perfect job for Sirius. He was made for it. But Peter was right. It was quite dangerous and Remus wasn't fond of the thought of Sirius getting hurt.

"You'll do great there, mate. They need people like you," James backed Sirius up.

"I guess chances are that we'd still work together sometimes. There is quite some overlap in the fields."

"And what about you, Remus?" Mary turned to him now.

"Me? Oh I don't now. I guess I'll see what I can get."

Mary frowned. "But you're grades should be good, with all the time you spend studying. I'm sure you'll have options."

Remus forced a smile. With his lycanthropy in mind he doubted her words strongly. "We'll see."

He could feel Sirius nudging him under the table, sensing his discomfort. "Well if you don't find anything I can always take care of you."

Remus shook his head decidedly. "No. Absolutely not."

"Why not?" Sirius asked, sounding offended.

"Because I don't want you to. I need to be able to support myself."

"Well sure, but if you weren't I could..."

"No."

Mary and Lily exchanged puzzled looks. "I don't get why that would be necessary..." Lily wondered.

"And why would you not want that? Not having to work, being taken care of...sounds nice to me," Mary mused.

"Well I don't like it. I don't want to be dependent on someone else."

"You are making it sound liked I'd use it to control you," Sirius complained.

"No, I don't think that. I just..." I don't deserve it, he thought.

Sirius huffed. "Suit yourself. But I will not let you starve, as stubborn as you might be, trust me I am worse." He gave Remus a smile and Remus couldn't help but return it. He knew, if he had to be dependent on someone, then he wanted it to be Sirius.

[ninja-muse]

February was a pretty good month! I read some books I really loved (and a couple that were simply meh), I got in a father-daughter visit and had really good luck at Scrabble, the weather was mostly not awful, and even if inventory at work took longer than expected, I survived it without brain mush, which has happened before. I am still the fastest scanner! My title holds.

Regular readers will be unsurprised to learn that Eve by Cat Bohannon and Mirrored Heavens by Rebecca Roanhorse were my top reads of the month, or that What Feasts At Night by T. Kingfisher ranks third. My T. Kingfisher problem is at least a year old, after all. (Also I read a couple delightful picture books, so be sure to click through to find them!)

I'm personally more surprised by my lowest picks, because they both sounded so up my alley but fell flat for nearly completely different reasons. The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store ended up feeling disjointed and like it was trying for a theme it couldn't quite grasp, and A Market of Dreams and Desires hit all kinds of tropes I love, right down to random Dickens references and weird steampunk machines, but tied everything together a little too neatly for me. Ah well.

And right in the middle of my list is my sole physical TBR read of the month: The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz. This managed to tick off "Canadian author" and "classic" at the same time, so I get triple points. (This might have had a hand in me picking it.) Duddy has aged surprisingly well, in that it's still pretty fast-paced and amusing and also in that Richler wrote it with the understanding that scam artistry, hypermaterialism, and misogyny were bad and y'know what? They still are. I would recommend if you're looking for a Canadian teen anti-hero, more than anything. Duddy is a trainwreck and you can't look away.

I managed to get through the month with only three books hauled. (We won't talk about ARCs but the book fairies were kind.) The Unfortunate Traveller and Under a Pendulum Sun were bought during the habitual father-daughter bookstore date, and both because I never thought I'd see them and figured I might never see them again. The Unfortunate Traveller is essays and travel writing by a guy who co-wrote with Shakespeare and I didn't know it even existed. Under the Pendulum Sun was recced to me somewhere (here? bookish website algorithms?) and since it's essentially a gothic novel with properly weird fairies, it's been on my list.

The third book was a total surprise. Apparently I helped crowdfund it in 2019 and they've only just managed to get it printed and also I said I wanted a physical copy? The things we learn. Anyway, it's essays on aromanticism, agender identity, and asexuality so that tracks.

And I know I said I wasn't going to talk about ARCs but I got some good ones this last month and also in January, and there's a lot of them that are out or soon to be out and I'm having that problem where I want to be reading all of them at once. March is going to be interesting and probably a little panic-inducing.

Click through to see everything I read this month, in the rough order of how glad I was to have read them.

Eve - Cat Bohannon

A history of human evolution, through the lens of the female body.

8.5/10

warning: touches on sexism, mental illness, suicide, miscarriage, and rape

reading copy

Mirrored Heavens - Rebecca Roanhorse

The fractures following the eclipse have deepened and no one can see a way back to peace that doesn’t involve bloodshed. Out in June

8/10

Indigenous cast, 🏳️‍🌈 POV characters (bisexual, third gender), 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (third gender, sapphic), Black-Pueblo author

warning: war, torture, mentions of child abuse

reading copy

What Feasts At Night - T. Kingfisher

Alex Easton has returned to kar hunting lodge to relax. Unfortunately, the locals claim there's a monster on a property.

8/10

🏳️‍🌈 protagonist (third gender), protagonist with PTSD

Library ebook

The Twilight Queen - Jeri Westerson

Will Somers, jester to Henry VIII, is caught up in another mystery, this time of a corpse in Queen Anne’s bedchamber.

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 main character (bi), 🏳️‍🌈 secondary character (gay)

digital reading copy

The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz - Mordechai Richler

A delinquent teen grows into a hustler, against the backdrop of mid-century Jewish Montreal.

7/10

largely Jewish cast, Jewish author, 🇨🇦

warning: racial slurs, misogyny

Off my TBR shelves

The Woman With No Name - Audrey Blake

Lonely and craving war work, Yvonne signs up to be the first female spy for the Allies in occupied France. Out in March

7/10

half a 🇨🇦 author

reading copy

The Frame-Up - Gwenda Bond

Ten years ago, Dani turned her art thief mom in to the Feds. Now her mom’s mentor has given Dani an offer she can’t refuse: use her magic to pull an impossible heist, get her life back.

6.5/10

Black secondary characters, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (sapphic)

reading copy

The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store - James McBride

The Black and Jewish residents of a Pennsylvania neighbourhood are (mostly) in it together, not least of when the government decides to take a local Deaf kid to an asylum.

7/10

Jewish and Black cast, major character with chronic illness and a limp, secondary Deaf character, Black author

warning: ableist characters and institutions, racist and anti-Semitic characters, sexual assault and molestation, (largely) reclaimed slurs

library book

The Market of Dreams and Destiny - Trip Galey

Deri may have a chance to buy out his indenture early when he meets a princess looking to sell her destiny. But in the goblin’s Untermarkt, nothing’s ever easy.

6.5/10

🏳️‍🌈 main character (mlm), 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (mlm, genderfluid), British Indian secondary character, 🏳️‍🌈 author

warning: child abuse, enslavement

borrowed from work

Picture Books

No Cats in the Library - Lauren Emmons

Cats aren’t allowed in the library but that’s where all the books are!

🏳️‍🌈 author

Read at work

Family is Family - Melissa Marr

Chick gets a note before kindergarten, telling him to have his mom or dad walk him to school. Except that Chick has two moms.

🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters and themes

Read at work

Currently reading

Knife Skills for Beginners - Orlando Murrin

Paul Delamare is filling in at a cooking school when the resident celebrity chef has a, erm, "accident."

🏳️‍🌈 protagonist (gay), Black British secondary character

Reading copy

True North - Andrew J. Graff

The Brechts move to Wisconsin to restart a rafting business. They hope it’ll save their young family, but it might do the opposite.

library book

Music from the Earliest Notations to the Sixteenth Century - Richard Taruskin

A history of early written European music, in its social and political contexts.

The Penguin Complete Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle

Victorian detective stories

disabled POV character, occasional secondary Indian secondary characters

warning: racism, colonialism

Monthly total: 9 +2 Yearly total: 20 Queer books: 4 + 2 Authors of colour: 2 Books by women: 6 Authors outside the binary: 0 Canadian authors: 1.5 Classics: 1 Off the TBR shelves: 1 Books hauled: 3 ARCs acquired: 6 ARCs unhauled: 4 DNFs: 0

January

[toomuchracket]

Flatmate!Matty lore suggestion: meeting the boys on the set of Waterloo Road (you’re also an extra). That way, you’re there for every moment of their career.

FUCKING INCREDIBLE IDEA I BLOODY LOVED WATERLOO ROAD (me and my mum rewatched it recently and when i tell you she was clocking matty in the background every time... honestly it was impressive). anyway, 🚨🚨 flatmate!matty LORE ALERT!! ORIGIN STORY ALERT 🚨🚨

but yeah like say you end up sitting next to matty in a classroom scene and obviously you end up chatting, and he's kind of cute (i say kind of because... the hair lmao) and really funny and he's sweet and you're properly impressed with him both as a person and the fact he's in a band (because that was literally the second thing he told you about himself after his name). i can't remember how old they were when it would have been filmed, but maybe as like "fake classwork" you're actually filling out a university application (you'll still stay in manchester, though!) and matty's totally in awe of how smart you are (and how pretty) and he thinks you're just the coolest person ever. and like for continuity reasons you guys have to sit next to each other from that point on, and you quickly become friends with him and the rest of the boys (like matty insists you hang out with them between scenes/on breaks). then i imagine matty quite shyly invites you to one of the band's gigs and gets SO excited when you show up (aww), and then it's just a blanket invite to every show and to hang out before and after, and pretty soon you're an integral part of the friend group and you and matty are considering each other best friends. i also think you guys develop crushes on each other fairly quickly, but with you being busy with uni and the band getting more successful (and also the constant fear of ruining your close friendship), it just goes unaddressed and you see other people (but just constantly yearn for each other). i also believe that you guys becoming flatmates happens when you both end up moving to london around the same time - matty for music obv, you to do a master's degree after doing your undergrad in manchester (you might've taken a year out between the two courses idk bro i can't do maths for shit to work out ages and years!). matty stays in the flat himself for a couple of months before you confirm the plan to move to london, and as soon as you tell him he's like "move in with me!" and you're kind of conflicted because although you love being around him you worry how much it might hurt to be so close and it not be romantic, and also that you'll be a nuisance and annoy him (which matty says is impossible). but he's your best friend and you trust him and the flat is in a really good location for you getting to uni, so you move in and get a little part-time job in a bar nearby alongside your studies and the rest is history <3

also you being on waterloo road is also good because it means you're quickly introduced to denise (and tim, when he was in it for a few eps!), who loves you and makes it absolutely no secret to matty that she thinks he should ask you out - it's the only thing she does that really embarrasses him, and she does it several times over the course of your friendship lol. when you do finally get together, she loses her shit and cries with excitement lmaooo

[little-cereal-draws]

Goldilocks and the three bears crime family au

This au focuses on Baby and Goldi and is based off the part in Shrek 1 where we see the three bears in separate cages and then Mama later as a rug (rip you already know what happened to her)

The three bears got caught in Farquaad's fairytale purge and got separated. Crying in that cage was the last time Baby saw his parents. He's not sure what happened to them, but he got sold off to a circus bc everyone likes seeing baby animals do tricks, it makes good money. While he was there, he met a little orphan girl who was about his age in human years, five or six. She was also picked up because she made lots of money; she sold candy to people in the stands. No one wants to turn down a little girl!

They became fast friends. Goldi would wiggle between the bars of his cage at night and whisper stories of people she saw in the crowd and things she could remember of her parents. She liked telling stories about them. Baby didn't like to think about his parents, it made him cry, so he just made little quiet noises and pressed their heads together. They would fall asleep curled up around each other.

Fast forward several years, they're both preteens and have moved up in the circus. Baby learned english and Gold learned quite a bit of bear. She lost her baby face and was useless at selling treats now; she was going to get replaced but she begged to stay. Baby knew that she hated it there and was constantly thinking of ways to escape so it was obvious the only reason she stayed was for him. The ringmaster noticed their connection and put them in an act together. Goldi did flips and cartwheels on his back while they ran around the ring. They also came up with a plan where before and after shows, they would stand outside the tent and people could pay to pet Baby's nose. The idea was to save the money and strike out on their own when they had enough. They may have reached this goal a bit quicker than they should have due to many wallets falling victim to Goldi's sticky fingers.

Finally, sixteen years old, they decide today is the day. Their act has become much more complicated now and involves hoops and fire and all sorts of nail-biting objects. Halfway through the act, Goldi grabs a torch and announces they have had enough of being other's playthings and they're going to live their own lives. Baby rises up to his full height and with Goldi on his shoulders, they set fire to the tent. It's panic, it's mayhem, it's screaming and trampling crowds and bearing teeth and not being scared of whips or chains or anything else in the world. It's pure freedom. They run out off the circus grounds before anyone can properly stop them, laughing and cheering the whole way.

Here's where it starts to tie into the movie again (dw i didn't forget abt that lol) After the initial euphoria wore off, they decided to be professional criminals. They do a bunch of small scale stuff but they're pretty recognizable so it's hard to hit the same place twice. When they learn about the map to the wishing star, they absolutely must have it. It's at this point that they start to drift apart a bit. Goldi says they'll use the wish but secretly wants it to get her parents back. Baby is suspicious, she does talk about her parents more and more these days, but can't prove anything so he just goes with it.

Eventually, it gets revealed that Goldi wants the wish for herself and Baby is furious. They have a huge fight where so many hurtful things are said. Goldi accuses him of not caring about his family enough to try and find them. Baby says that it's because he cares so much, he doesn't want to learn what horrible fate befell them. He then says that Goldi shouldn't even bother with hers bc they clearly didn't love her, just abandoning her in the woods as a child. They both leave that fight in tears. Splitting up was discussed but honestly, they don't have anyone else in the world so they're both too scared to swing it alone. They keep going after the map but don't talk for days. After a while, there's an apology; a quiet one that is only half spoken because they both know what the other is thinking.

Ofc at the end, they help destroy the map and the star because Goldi's learned that she has all the family she needs right here and Baby's learned that maybe he should make some effort to find his parents. Who knows, they could be alive. He is. He tentatively asks Puss if he knows what happened to his parents, because he was also involved in the roundup, and Puss has to break the horrible news about his mom. There's lots of tears but frankly, Baby kind've suspected.

They go their separate ways from Team Friendship at the end and the idea of trying to find Baby's dad is briefly kicked around as they walk into the sunset. (Setting up a sequel lol)

[truly-morgan]

[Age Swap, dynamic thoughts for fanfiction]

Kageyama Brothers | Mob Psycho 100 Age Swap AU 25-12-2022

Age Swap Kageyama Brother's idea (just chucking some there so I can check back later, do feel free to comment on them)

Always wonder how I wanna make their relationship honestly, I like the Shigeo "I feel like I am keeping him down and still can't get over how badly I've hurt him in the past because I lost control of my powers" Kageyama

vs

Ritsu "I do love my brother but I also feel responsible to look over him so he doesn't blow up ever again and may have bitterness towards him that I keep denying" Kageyama

Like, in my vers of the AU, I can see Mob having hurt Ritsu more than once with his powers due to being unable to control them well and feeling very guilty over it, which is part of why he's really scared of his own powers but he also can't bring himself to actually push him away fully because of that guilt, probably wanting to make up for it by accepting whatever Ritsu wants to do, even tho he feels like he could do better

Meanwhile, I could see Ritsu feeling like he has this duty of staying by his brother's side to make sure he stays in control (even though he knows he probably couldn't actually fight him properly if it came to it).

He knows just how scary these power can get and he doesn't want anyone to experience that so he feels like he has to look over his brother and make sure nothing upset him

I feel like he would also have had a big obsession over getting powers too, which could be made bigger with this feeling of duty. But what can he do if he doesn't have powers too?

I feel like meanwhile, Mob feel horrible for keeping Ritsu down with him when he's so smart and could do so much more than this (which is something their parent don't miss telling them every time they go visit them). He wants Ritsu to feel free to go and do whatever he would prefer to do than monitor his ticking bomb of a brother (even more so he would never hurt him again by accident).

I feel like there could be something interesting about them feeling some kind of bitterness towards each other, despite obviously still loving the other.

They just have too much accumulated over the years, with trauma and situation, that they can just take a breather and try working this over more properly and talking about what has happened. I just find it would be interesting to have them not as close as in the anime, where they could rely on each other. A version of them that sticks together for the wrongs reasons

Also, this is something I had already talked about before, but Ritsu who somehow can't see how Mob has grown over the years

[previous post about it]

Yes, he's still very bad with people, yes he still has some difficulties with social cues at times and yes he does get overwhelmed in some situations, but he's not a scared 12 y/o who had absolutely 0 clues of what is happening around him

Ritsu who is so frozen in time and can't see how Mob has changed a little bit over the years, who maybe get really frustrated and scared when this loud kid suddenly storms in and somehow starts causing changes in his brother (some of which were already there, but he just never saw it before)

Ritsu who is stuck in the past and has always known Mob to be a certain way and somehow can't compute that he has, in fact, changed over the years and even more so since that kid has appeared in their life

Maybe something bitter in him growing at the idea that despite him being here all these years to help Mob, he isn't the one that helped him grow like this and his brother relies more on this kid a decade younger than them than his own brother who's always been there

I just like the idea of a pretty bad Age Swap au where the brothers feel more forced to be together and have some bitterness towards each other

damn, I feel like this is all over the place

Original

[sleepy-shutin]

please post the PDF of the haunted self because i still do not understand what you mean by self states as it differs from just regular emotions. (also, hunger is an emotion?? similar to stress and anxiety as emotions? it's also a physical feeling and bodily state / need, but it's... it is an emotion. idk about you but when i am hungry i definitely feel it as an emotion just like happiness or sadness or longing or love or similar. maybe i am just weird but i classify it similarly)

hunger is not an emotion, lol, it's a physical need for food. if a therapist asked you how you were feeling emotionally and you said you were hungry they would not take that answer. so there's your first problem with your understanding of emotions and self states. if you're already aware that you classify the feeling of hunger in a weird way, maybe take that into account before arguing with people about it.

for a little more explanation on self states: you don't see yourself switching into self states because as an older teen/adult your childhood self states integrate and become more stable together. ideally, you're not supposed to really *know* about them or really be able to feel them/feel yourself moving between them (i don't really like calling it "switching" as it has DID-like implications). that's why you don't remember as a child moving into these self states or why you don't really feel yourself moving in or out of self states in day to day life.

you have a much better understanding and handle on yourself than a 4 year old, and your life is not so focused on your base survival instincts of "food", "attention from caregiver", etc. so "hunger" may now be less of a self state for you and more just something that happens with your body when it runs out of food energy because you have probably developed past the need for your life to revolve around sippy cups and doc mcstuffins.

it cannot be overstated enough that while you may not feel very much when you're hungry, being hungry for a young child and not having that need met for whatever reason (for reasons of neglect or just an inappropriate time for a child to be eating or whatever), then that can be the worst thing in the world for a 2 year old because they don't know how to handle that situation, and they're upset about being unable to eat, and they can't articulate their frustration, so they scream and cry about it. meanwhile, you being hungry, you'll probably just go and make yourself food, or drink something until you're able to get food appropriately, or just wait patiently until it's time to eat your food because you have a better handle on yourself and your emotions and bodily feelings.

young children's unintegrated self states are primarily based in survival instincts, which is why hunger is/can be a self state for young children. as you grow older, you integrate these self states as you get a better handle on them and no longer need to focus all your energy on survival and learn to handle yourself and your bodily feelings and emotions better, and instead develop differing self states to assist you in the daily life of an adult, such as "work self" and "home self". these self states aren't unintegrated and chaotic like children, however, because you have grown into a well developed and multifaceted human being who has a better handle on themselves than a 5 year old with a "school self" and a "home self", (if they even have that much at that age, because differentiating properly between home and school environments at that age may be difficult for some as they may not understand it's okay to act a certain way at home but not at school yet).

another thing you're fundamentally misunderstanding is that something being an emotion or normal feeling or whatever doesn't make it *not* a self state of some kind, specifically and especially in young children. i don't understand what part of this is so hard to grasp for you, they are the same thing. it's both.

you still have self states, they're just more developed and multifaceted than that of a 4 year old.

here's where you can download a copy of the haunted self to read.

[kyururun]

Yonemura Kirara (OCHA NORMA) - VoCE Interview

Beauty magazine VoCE interviews Yonemura Kirara of OCHA NORMA on makeup, her days in the Hello! Project Kenshuusei, and working towards debut.

Original article found here.

── Which member do you want to exchange makeup bags with?

K: Kitahara Momo-chan. She has a lot of pink cosmetics, and many things that are cute and girly! If we exchanged, I think you'd see a me you haven't seen before with a lot of pink. But actually, the truth is I already borrow a lot of her stuff without much thought now anyway (laughs). Next time I want to properly trade with her.

── What kind of makeup do you usually do for yourself?

K: For work, my eyeshadow is always brown. It makes the area around my eyes look deeper, and I feel like that makes me look cuter and overall better aesthetically. When it's my free time, I don't particularly need to look cute (laughs), so I do my makeup how I like, like winged eyeliner or pink eyeshadow. Sometimes I feel like just doing the makeup that I like for work too, like using the pink eyeshadow, but when I look at the videos and photos afterwards I think "this doesn't look good" and regret it... so basically I always end up back to brown!

── What kind of makeup is essential for live performances?

K: I love using glitter. When I go to a cosmetics department I always check out all the glitters, and I buy them right away. The area around my eyelids is so small, so honestly there's probably a lot more makeup I need to buy (laughs). I love big glitter that looks holographic! When the light shines on me, it reflects the glitter and sparkles and I think that looks really cute. I do sometimes worry how it looks from a male perspective, but I don't think much about that and apply it anyway!

── What do you think your personality is like, according to you?

K: I'm really unrefined. If I'm somewhere that I'm familiar with then I'll sit with my legs wide open, or I'll open and close a door really loudly. But when it's my first time somewhere I tend to freeze up out of nervousness, like today at the beginning I was actually really nervous. So I also think I'm a bit of a chicken.

── Yonemura-san, before OCHA NORMA made their debut, you spent 6 years as a Hello! Project trainee ("kenshuusei"). What kind of existence to you are the other 3 members who walked that road with you in the H!P KSS Unit?

K: When we were working as part of the Hello! Project Kenshuusei Unit, we had the effects of the Coronavirus happening around us, and we were always anxious about whether we would really be able to debut at all, or if we were to debut, what kind of debut that would look like. We had no idea what to aim for, so the four of us continued worrying and searching for some kind of answer, and there were days where we couldn't help our mood being down. There was actually a time that we got scolded by a teacher who told us, "The Kenshuusei Unit brings down the mood of the stage when you perform, so you don't have to perform anymore". There were a lot of painful times, and Hello! Project also has an image of people getting their debuts in elementary or middle school, so there was also an impatience with my age that made me think, "I can't keep going like this". The reason that I carried on without giving up despite all of that is definitely because I was always with the three of them! Of course if we were going to continue we would be together, but we also decided that if we were going to quit, we would quit together as well, so I felt like those three members were always my allies, and we had a special connection as a community of fate who had been struggling and fighting together.

── When you were in the KSS Unit, and you couldn't see your debut coming, was there anything the four of you did to keep up your motivation?

K: When we performed at events, we performed with the determination to turn the guests who were there into our own fans. For example, one thing we tried to be conscious of was making a lot of eye contact with audience members. Of course, we were also polishing our performances, but we also studied up on makeup and did our makeup together, and did strength training in the dressing rooms... We also put in a lot of effort to up our visual appeal.

── You don't always show a lot of what you're feeling on your face, but when you debut was announced, it left an impression on everyone that even you cried. What were your feelings at that time?

K: I had been aiming all this time to debut, so of course it was "happiness", but there was also a huge sense of relief, because my family, friends, and the members I had spent such a long time with had all been supporting me the whole time, and now I was finally going to debut properly. I think my situation had uneasy for a long time, and I caused a lot of worry for the people around me, so I was filled with a lot of gratitude.

OCHA NORMA’s 2nd single “Uchira no Jimoto wa Chikyuu Jan!” / UNMEI CHACHACHACHA~N" was released on November 30th, 2022.