#i already took my sleeping meds it's past 2 am

[pastlight]

had a kinda stressful but ultimately fun adventure with my bf and my brother's gf with their house's pool. when I'm less tired I might write it down so it's archived in my silly little blog forever.

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[gavlin]

i got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks yesterday and started taking meds today. i know i got real sht with my mental health since high school. you'll know with my posts here when i was 15-19 years old (got pinned tags btw). but i kinda got over it, idk if things got better or i just got used to it, or i built up tolerance, i became numb or something. i know my mental health is not that good but i somehow powered through it, whatever i just winged it and keep winging it.

but dang this past month, i've been coming back and forth to hospital, doctor consultations and lot of tests and they can't see sht. they've been telling me it could be anxiety or stress. i somehow had a feeling that it is but there's this part of me wanting it to be just something in blood or vitamin deficiency so i will just take meds for 2 weeks max and i'll be okay. reasons for all that is i've been lightheaded for over a month now twenty four fucking seven. consistent as fuck, never left me. you know that feeling that you have a hangover? that. without the dizziness or spinning part but you're feeling something with you brain or head. then 2 weeks after i started feeling lightheaded or that hangover feeling, i started having real bad palpitations. there were days where i felt my heart palpitate for the whole day. then there's a week that i had a sudden rash on my chest, and it is spreading real bad. then there are times my hands are shaking, my toes are twitching, i am having mild cough for over a month now that doesn't go away even i took antibiotics. i became hyperaware with everything, really anxious. all of that stresses me more that it became a paradox/cycle of stress and anxiety. i'm feeling nervous because i am palpitating and i am palpitating because i am feeling nervous. i can't sleep because i am stressed, and i am stressed because i cannot sleep. i don't have a decent sleep for a month now. if i'm lucky and had 6 hours of sleep, i would still feel tired after waking up. and i am someone who always sleep for 7-8 hours because i really value my sleep. and you know what every time i wake up? the moment i wake up, literally 1 second, my heart is palpitating already like i'm on a fight and flight mode so i can't go back to sleep.

so i went to internal med/cardio. got full blood workup, different lab test including thyroid, xray, ecg, i even run for a stress test (u will run in a treadmill iydk), doctor even requested for brain mri but didn't push through because i have braces and everything is fine - didn't see sht. i'm healthy physically. sabi maybe stress or anxiety, ipahinga ko daw. e di nga ako makakapagpahinga, my body is having their mind on their own. kahit hindi na ako nagwo-worry about anything, these symptoms just keep going na ang nangyari, sa mga symptoms na ako nastress. nasstress na ko dahil isang buwan na kong parang nahihilo or what, palpitations, di makatulog, laging pagod, shaking, cough, rashes na buti naman wala na. so i asked if magcoconsult ba ko sa iba, sabi nya pwede daw sa neuro or psych. after that, dahil nasa hospital na ko, nagpacheck na din ako sa derma because my hair keep on falling out na for so many months (the thing is parang di naman ako napapanot or nababawasan ng buhok visually? pero ang daming nalalagas araw araw). derma checked all the test results, chineck scalp ko, pulang pula daw and wala ring makitang mali sa results and the reason daw bat ganon buhok ko is guess what? stress. i don't even remember being stressed on months my hair started falling out except for mild stress some times dahil sa acne. the thing is am not even sure anymore kasi nga i am winging my mental health ever since HAHHAHAHAHA. all my emotions, stress, shts, all bottled up. no one knows anything. ako lang nakakaalam lahat (that was the birth of this blog, my outlet kasi wala akong sinasabihan). so baka nga matagal na akong stressed and baka masyado na kong sanay hindi na siya nag-register na ay stressed pala ako HAHHAHAHAHA. sanay ako sa negative feelings or events whatever, sa positive feelings ako hindi so maybe di ko lang nare-realize. i just had one stressor this past month na i think naglead to all of these physical manifestations. eniweys, derma asked me questions about my lother symptoms and stuff, and after that, she suddenly asked me: do you want to have a referral for psych? when i heard that, i was like "oooh it's getting real now" hahahhahahaha. sht. i know there's something wrong with my mind but it will get real and legit if i will get a diagnosis. hindi ko na kaya i-wing wing to like chicken wings, di na kaya ng pakpak hahahahha kasi damay na physical ko my god kumawala na sya from my mind. baka ang susunod na winging ko nito, pakpak na ng kaluluwa ko papuntang langit. derma wrote on the referral letter to psych: anxiety disorder, for diagnosis and management.

the thing is gusto ko pa magpa-check sa neuro or ent or optha but doesn't make sense. all doctors referring me to psych. and i am someone that always believe in "everything happens for a reason". and if all that shts within the past month is leading me to a psych consultation, then i must take it, there's a reason. so had a consultation with psych (putangina ang mahal gago) then yun. gad. prescribed me meds na ayaw ko pa nga i-take kasi iniisip ko naman baka kaya ko ito i-power through ulit hahahah but i have physical symptoms na so i went with it. meds for mental health, you will take a long time na mahal din, consultations mahal din, so i get why people with mental heath disorder applying for pwd hindi dahil sa convenience sa pila pero tangina discount sa gamot tyaka consultations, ang mahal ng psych at hindi sya sakop ng hmo yun ang problem tangina ang mahaaaaal bat ganyan consultation fee niyo hahhahahah. eniweys that is that. i'm okay. i just wrote this post wanting to just share that i got diagnosed pero humaba na and just went with it, tuloy tuloy lang hence the way of writing sorry just vented out whatever. but again, i'm okay. ayoko lang na ma-diagnose ako nung isang araw kasi feeling ko baka i-relate ko lahat dito kahit hindi naman big deal sakin yung isang bagay. yung baka isipin ko na "ay siguro kasi may gad ako kaya ganto ganyan" pero if dati na wala kong diagnosis, baka hindi magiging big deal or hindi ko iisipin yung isang bagay and just let it be, pero baka ngayon ire-relate ko sya. alam mo yon? ayoko yung lagi kong iisipin na ay kasi baka may gad ako. ayaw ko syang gawing personality, ayaw ko irelate doon lagi, ayaw ko i-stuck yung sarili ko doon sa condition. kaya siguro i wrote about it kasi baka ngayon ko lang sya io-open up this way and i will just went on with my life. i'm open about it if may magtanong ganyan, pwede ko i-share randomly sa kwentuhan but i will not make this a big deal, i just have a condition and i'm taking care of it na. yun lang naman yung iniisip ko before the diagnosis, parang ayaw ko lang ng ganon na effect sa akin. so that is that. i'm fine. i'm okay. nothing big deal, felt something, had it checked, got diagnosed, started medication, things will be good, sana makatulog na ko nang matiwasay at mawala na hilo ko kasi yun talaga main problem ko this past month. wishing you all good mental health. power through.

[frogofalltime]

day 4

last night i didn't get to sleep until past 2am because my headache was so bad and my eyes hurt and i just felt overall weird. i also had a nightmare. as a result i felt pretty awful and not well rested at all when i woke up.

this morning i had to go to a doctors appointment at 11:45 so my alarm was at 10am. i procrastinated for half an hour, then got up and ate breakfast and took my meds and got ready to leave the house

i got into a conversation about the word "normal" with my boyfriend which i normally (pun not intended) would've found interesting but today it made me slightly irritated (not your fault at all robin, i was just tired and stressed). anyway it got resolved quickly so there wasn't a problem, i just don't like how small things make me disproportionately annoyed when i'm tired

i was 2 minutes late for my doctors appointment but it was fine ! i'm getting a lot braver with going to the doctors by myself, i used to need robin or lucy to go with me every time, but now i am able to go alone.

then i went to the students union to buy some grains and seeds to feed the pigeons and my mother called me so i talked to her for a while. she was asking me about the doctors appointment and my adhd meds and stuff. it feels rude but i wished she didn't call me because i was overstimulated and wanted to go outside and see the birds.

after that an old lady asked me how the clothes swap at the students union works and i wanted to be kind so i helped her out with that and also bumped into my friend while i was there

i eventually got away from all the Humans so i went to the park and fed our flock of pigeons which was extremely fun like always. they kept pecking my fingers even when the food ran out because they were so hungry. and they are trusting me more and more every week, they let me pick them up and cuddle them now !

i thought i had a therapy appointment at 2pm so i rushed home but actually it was at 3pm so i had an extra hour to eat lunch and stuff (which is good because i was very hungry)

therapy was good but i felt very drained afterwards and did nothing for almost two hours. i just scrolled on my phone and felt bored.

i asked robin for advice because i was hungry again and it recommended me to cook a proper meal instead of trying to study while eating snacks and procrastinating dinner until 10pm which is what i've been doing lately. @etherealspacejelly you know me so well lmao

my flatmate was in the kitchen when i went to put my food in the oven. she was cooking a dish that has fish in it and the smell was really overpowering and horrible. i felt suddenly very overstimulated so after setting a timer for my food i went back to my room and turned off the light and did my prayers in the dark

then i went and collected my food and ate it while watching percy jackson which was Very fun ! i think i was a bit distracted but i mostly paid attention and went very insane about it (special interest go brrrr)

i considered doing some revision for my exams but it was already like 8pm and i was exhausted so i talked to robin for a while and then washed my dishes, took a shower, and got into bed.

overall i had an okay day, i did not study at all but i was really sleepy, irritable, and low on energy from both the doctors appointment and therapy, so i think it was justified

the headache has not been so bad today, and i'm still feeling thirsty but not as much, i guess i'm getting used to it

also i have been hungrier than usual, which is strange because they said Reduced hunger is a normal side effect, not Increased ?? but maybe it's because i suck at interoception usually, and the meds are making me better at interpreting my body's needs so i am more able to understand my hunger cues ? idk

i am extremely tired since i struggled to get to sleep the last few nights, so i'm hoping i will get more sleep tonight and feel more refreshed in the morning. goodnight :)

[hidefdoritos]

arrrrrrrrrrrrgh

So Monday started with an 11-hour work shift in which I made an EXTREMELY CRUCIAL safety mistake that almost maimed two other people. It's hard to tell how much trouble I'll be in about that. Both people have forgiven me already.

Crucial note: Lately I haven't been nearly as active, which is scrungling my brain. I also forgot meds and drank caffeine that day, neither of which I usually do. That doesn't excuse me at all. It's my fault for doing steps out of order with machinery.

Monday night I talked to several support people about it. My best friend came over and we talked for a few hours. She's in a rough depressive episode where she isn't going to kill herself but she feels nothing positive and is starting to drift. I was battling the desire for every form of self-harm because I almost killed people. This is the first major screw-up I've experienced.

By the grace of God everyone was spared. I didn't overdose or cut myself or drink anything or skip meals/water or even drive home with no music and the windows down. [I was able to tell myself that every idea was either insufficient penance or was a dumb overreaction.]

I went to bed at 1 and it took til past 3 to actually sleep. And then I proceeded to sleep. All the way until 3:30 pm. When I was supposed to leave the house for work at 2. I have no excuse and no understanding of why it happened except that I didn't want to wake up at all. And my phone died so no alarm. My dreams were a little stressful but I pushed past them and stayed bundled in the blanket with the blackout curtains until something ticked me awake much too late.

I scrambled into work by 4:20 (nice) and apologized and apologized. The good news is that enough people called off "sick" or never showed up yesterday that they were just grateful I still came in.

Our head manager (no formal authority but she's risen to the top) pulled me aside for a second chat about my attendance. I've been sick A Lot this past semester. We already had one chat and I was honest that college ran me ragged and the students kept getting each other sick and I'm happy to be done. Yesterday's chat was more informal, but she told me to "Fix your attendance. You're a trainer. All the other trainers are starting to complain."

I believe it. It's probably not even bad, but the thought that anyone anywhere has anything bad to say about me makes me anxious.

Yesterday's work shift went fine. Several other things went wrong or got broken, but with zero injuries, management is eager to write it all off as a bad few days. I got put right back in the same position as Monday. I guess until further notice I'm still allowed to do that job.

I spent new year's eve beating some retirees at dominoes and sipping Martinelli's at midnight. I then got pulled over at 1 am for having my license plate light out. Which does wonders for my overall jumpiness. The cop was polite, but I dropped my registration paper (which expired in 2022! I haven't put the new paper in my wallet since then!) and couldn't find it again. He looked up my info and gave me a warning.

It again took until 3 to fall asleep (probably bc I slept in so long previously). And it felt like a long time, because I had three incredibly stressful dreams.

In one dream, I was a kid at the library in the play area. It was already messy, and I played in it for a long time. I then stayed until closing, when a librarian came over to help me pick up everything. It was a mess like my room is right now. Nothing fit back into its bins. She got more and more upset with me.

In the second dream, I was joining my college chorale for a summer singing thing, but after the spring semester that I dropped choir and my director was upset with me. I had a week to learn everything and was late for the first rehearsal and then had to ask the director in front of everyone whether I was joining both chorale and chamber choir or not.

As an extension, the third dream morphed into some kind of monastery setup. A young woman I didn't know was murdered. My parents and I found her while cleaning the compactor. It was in a time before modern government, so our monastery was self-governing, and the suspected perp was being protected until a body was found. Dad loaded her remains into a tote and intended to sneakily leave them in a common area: convicting the perp without personally causing social waves. I ended up shoving him against a wall and begging him to tell the head priest directly, or I was going to. I was begging him not to let someone else make a gruesome discovery.

And then I woke up at 5:51. At first I thought I slept thru the day again, but my phone runs military time, so I disproved that idea. It's now been an hour of praying and journaling (this counts btw) and I'm still awake. Of course even a couple more hours would average me out to two normal nights of sleep.

I still haven't transferred my residency. Or canceled that subscription. Or picked up that prescription. Or booked an eye doctor appointment. Or booked a massage. Or sold my Vans merch. Or shipped grandma her present. Or activated my new phone. I've been kinda acting hungover since college ended. Which makes sense. Today is probably the worst day to go into the gym, but I bet it would clear the gunk out of my brain.

I'm gonna try to sleep again. Then I'll see what the rest of this day holds.

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[taintmansion]

Alright so here goes a big personal mental health post…

As I’ve posted about since august, I developed a terrible anxiety induced insomnia which through finding a very helpful community online now identify as “sleep anxiety” which sort of accidentally happens to people when sometimes even one sleepless night sends them into a fight or flight mode. My brain now gets confused and thinks I should not sleep. I am often on 2-4 hours at most, often broken up and requires me to work hard to make myself relax and just wake up feeling unrested.

I’ve had ups and downs, one medication that seemed to work a while but made me feel like shit (while still working a stressful job that set this whole thing off) and then took myself off it and figured I probably need to be on an actual anxiety medication and have 2 family members on lexapro so hey, let’s ask for that. Was given that by a rando telehealth doctor because with shit insurance didn’t know where to go. Got through 2 days on it with what felt like heightened insomnia and anxiety zero appetite etc.

I stayed at my mom’s for half a week after my job took me off the schedule shortly after I gave my 2 weeks notice but told them I’ve been sick and may not make all the last shifts. That was the 2nd day of lexapro and felt I would lose my mind if I kept taking it at that point especially without a psych to follow up with. So, at my mom’s and trying a stress relief supplement, I started sleeping better and better. Went back home, had one bad night but then oddly on an air mattress slept good again.

Just as things were going so well for me, I went to a shitty dentist office i already didn’t like but wanted a tooth filled, and this dentist dropped a drill in my mouth cutting a hole under my tongue. Didn’t even know things like that happened to people! My anxiety was skyrocketed and every day since then sleep has been a struggle again. Actually I only slept decent the 2 times I’ve taken a Xanax which I got prescribed to help me get through the first few weeks lexapro because a trusted dr (gynecologist tbh) at least told me to keep trying. I signed up for better health insurance but it won’t kick in until November 1st. I’ll find an actual psychiatrist.

Anyway. After getting through a wedding out of town that was a big stressor for me, it went pretty well all things considered, I’m starting lexapro once again tomorrow morning and committing to getting through at least 2 weeks and see how it goes. Even though a top side effect is. Insomnia. 😑 This time I have the xanax to take as needed.

Just felt like typing this all out I guess because this has been the biggest mental health challenge of my life. Somehow worse than when I had panic attacks for months when I was 19. This has had me feeling beyond broken, confused, not myself, like I’ll never be ok again… totally scared and lost. So going forward all I have is meds hopefully helping me and the help of this yt channel and the guy’s book that arrives in a few days. This could be a continued struggle or it may get better soon. I’m scared and don’t know when I can work again. I only have so much funds and help but also very very blessed with my family which helps a lot. I hope I get past this and have a good 2024.

[domesticateddog]

as brief as i can i’m gonna say what i’ve gone through in the past year:

DPDR panic attacks got worse again, eventually and reluctantly had 6 more rounds of ECT in november-december, supposed to do more rounds but i just CAN NOT do it. it’s like a fucking phobia to go through it again. dpdr got mildly better

on february 12th (super bowl sunday) i started to have another DPDR panic attack, ran inside the house and somehow woke up barely able to move or breath extremely confused on the kitchen floor: i had a 2 minute long tonic clonic seizure out of nowhere. my boyfriend and father in law were both on the phone with 911 and my parents. i was the most tired i’ve ever been in my life and couldn’t understand anything anyone was asking me, somehow i got the strength to walk to my bed and layer down. paramedics came, assessed me and took me to the hospital. they tried to discharge me but i asked to see the doctor so they admitted me for a night. they did an MRI and an EEG and both were fine. they had already given me anticonvulsants and plus ativan (which is also an anticonvulsant) so i don’t understand what they were looking for. obviously i’m not going to seize while very heavily medicated.. i got discharged without answers.

no answers and i had to wait 6 WEEKS until i actually saw a neurologist, he spoke to me for 2 minutes max and said “eh sometimes people have seizures, give me $10,000 goodbye”

my DPDR panic attacks got SIGNIFICANTLY worse on top of my CONSTANT fear of having another seizure. this is the worst it’s ever been ever and i do not know what to do anymore.

i saw my psychiatrist twice, she gave me lamictal and then immediately quit without warning and i still don’t have a psychiatrist and i think the lamictal (anticonvulsant/mood stabilizer and anxiety/depression medication) is making my DPDR worse. but i cannot just GO OFF my meds because i don’t want another seizure. i CANNOT go through that again….

got in a huge fucking battle with my primary care doctor over getting ativan as needed and he FINALLY gave me 14 (14!?!?! KILL YOURSELF!!)

all psychiatrists are BOOKED SOLID so i eventually went to the nearby mental health place that sucks fucking ass and the nearest psychiatrist appointment they had is july 30th….. so i still haven’t gotten established yet.

my DPDR is at an all time high and i cannot go on walks or bike rides anymore without having an attack and now i am reluctantly thinking about getting ECT again. i have cried NUMEROUS times just thinking about it and the thought makes me want to puke. the entire experience just so terrifying to me and it’s SO clinical it GIVES me panic attacks just thinking about it. i have yet to actually go through with it but we will see.

ECT scares me so fucking bad and although i’ve done it 14 times total now, the thought of doing it again makes me want to kill myself. the entire thing is my worst nightmare. bright fluorescent lights, all the sounds of the other patients going first before me while my heartbeat goes so fast the nurse has to come in a turn my monitor off multiple times. 5-6 people gathering around me, talking while they lay me down flat and try to put both the mouth block in and the “oxygen” mask (i can’t breath with it on) and then putting me to sleep while i struggle being able to swallow until i finally hear that disgusting sounds that rings in my ears when give anesthetics….just typing this out is making me shake and tremble and i’m probably gonna have to do it again because it’s the only thing that has ever effectively worked

[yooniesim]

I don't like to share financial struggles on here but, I have always made a point of being transparent as possible too. So let me tell yall frankly. I am 1-2 months away from not being able to pay any of my bills including rent. the new medication I have to switch to bc of the national shortage is $182 per month. I don't know how im going to afford it. The one i switched to already and have been paying for has had no effect at all. I have had doctor's visits every few weeks for various health issues since March and no insurance since January. My student loans have unpaused and I have been paying them for several months now. I was laid off from one of my jobs this year and the other was paused when my family member I was caregiving for passed away. I have another caregiving job now but it doesn't pay nearly enough for all my bills, medical expenses, and food. I am in the red every month and what I have saved will not last much longer.

Regardless of all this, I still do not paywall my cc, even early access, and I do not ask for donations. I took up curseforge because it seemed like a good place to host my files, and then was pleasantly surprised by the small amount of money I was able to get from it every month or so. This money doesn't even touch my expenses and will not even be enough to pay for my meds anymore. It ranges from $50-200 over the course of several months depending if I am active enough to post any cc or not. Any of you that are independent know that this is nothing in terms of the current cost of living. I haven't even received my payment from last month yet and as soon as I do it is already spent. If I had any leeway at all, I would have already deleted my cc from there, but the gravity of the situation right now is... extremely high. If I deleted it now, I probably wouldn't even get the money I already earned there, as it is still in process. And I cannot risk that. What i can do is not upload anything new to their website in the meantime. But I cannot delete my old uploads.

I have spent most of my life being vocal about social justice issues. I have donated very often to the causes i cared about, spoken to people both irl and online to raise awareness despite being in an area where it is dangerous to do so, done volunteer work, and hosted fundraising efforts. Much of my breath over the past weekend was spent talking about Palestine. It is not that I do not care about this issue- far from it. I've lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out what to do about this. It's not easy trying to weigh the impact of a boycott against your own well being. Especially getting conflicting info on whether or not Overwolf is actually supporting the IDF or just victims of the terrorist attacks as they say. It's all complicated, confusing, and heartbreaking. And even so, I am boycotting in the terms of not uploading new stuff to there and offering alternate download links for my old stuff. And when I am able, I will eliminate curseforge completely. But I hope this helps anyone understand why it's not gone immediately and what my current perspective is.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

2.7.25 Friday -- Prayer vow for nana and Sir Paez.

12:05 am

Still,have windblow...

I had a weird palpitations while sleeping, probably my anemia... I need to maintain my iron or ferrous sulfate angels... But I have no money now... I need to work and earn... I need money...

6:14 am

Still,have windblow...

It is really important to eat rice for the anemia but I need to do weight management... I need a job... I need money....I feel frustrated in this world... They took my 18 years...

I sent message to Eman the husband or X of Queenie and in a way my friends in Cebu Pacific Air if he can help me to go back in... But it is weird, he is not replying anymore and asked him if I could get a link on anyone... It was from the past weeks... I even asked a favour if he can lend me money... But he didn't reply at all...

Then, I have doubts on Eman when I saw his story image on his messenger, it looked like a bridge-way going to nana's hospital in Makati Med. It looked like a traitor on the scene... I'm just being cautious coz a friend can be an enemy,right angels??? Most specially if he is not replying,anymore...

Again, doubting on someone is not bad at all... Or remember angels? We call it "BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT"!

While waiting for 7 am prayer vow for nana and sir Paez from 6:14 am to 6:25 am now:

Benefit of the doubt on Bessing or Monette Lladoc as well,these days...

Let's go back on Eman, probably he doesn't want to lend money... I asked if the "cute airport police" is still there?There was a cute or american looking airport police time that I was in Cebu Pacific Air and I had bf that time, it wasn't Brien but...It was Ryan those days...

I remember that someone from my workmates thought I was single that time that I was in Cebu Pacific Air.... Shaking my memory...

Someone said that me and that cute airport police are good together or we are a good love team... But then, I said I had a bf and my bf was just somewhere out there... Yeah! But the airport police was really cute just like my cousin-white on Dubious that I hated these days... Hmm...

Benefit of the doubt! I remember again my jealous emotion on my cousin-white on Dubious if he added the 2nd degree on his tip, an extra topping on his ice cream without my knowledge... It is totally unfair!

It is totally impossible to meet Daniel Marsh for the circle that I wanna borrow but he will be my bf on that circle for investigation....

Your Love is a funny thing, ringing on my head Alamid died already... RIP "Your Love"... It is just shocking that the windblow story wanted Alamid so much!

I like his voice, it is devilish... Big and whole impact of his voice....It feels like coming from a cave... Hmm.... They were here in Cavite for so long that I didn't know... Until he died at 49... It is a bit weird... I wanna go out and it is my frustration... I'm always broke and I hate it!

7:37 am

Still,have windblow...

Who is guilty?

If Bessing doesn't like me or Mitch or anyone... It is fine... I just wanna do my nose perfection and my teeth polisher and my breast implants? I don't know how and when coz I have no bf ... They don't like me?

7:43 am

Still,have windblow...

Hmm... I'm gonna wash some stuff of nana and mixed of my stuff and some stuff of Uncle Jun... To thrift on electric... I'm allowed to use the washing machine... It will be a task day for me and my weight management still... Not my ideal life to wash clothes manually though with gloves... I hate it when they will say a negative thing on me on paying the bills here like they don't have enough budget, that we need to thrift...

7:53 am

Still,have windblow...

Just need to get my chinese bf perhaps or it can be... Or My L.A's bf? Like I will always love you Garret... Pete got his music off already hahah...

11:25 am

Still,have windblow...

I saw that jar,I thought it was bought as a jar only... I got the 2 empty jars yesterday coz I thought they were pretty jars and I guess a bit expensive... I saw a one closed jar this morning, outside near the faucet or outside open washed space, the one that has a Nescafe logo but it was 30 years ago... I thought coffee never expires but it is already expired... When I opened it though it was fully sealed but when I opened the coffee solidify and already got some molds...

But these jars in a way,it is around 300 pesoses still but with the coffee inside I guess around 400 or 500 pesoses way back here... Then, I remember we had a lot of it from past years...So, sad right???

11:34 am

Still,have windblow...

Yesterday, we cleaned the old room of nana with Beth's gang such as Ambo & Darwin... Arvee my brother next to me was just here to join a bit of cleaning...

I was never plastics...

Not my ideal life to be with Uncle Jun forever... But we are just a professional Uncle and Niece relationship but we hate each other... No choice for now...

Uncle Jun brought an expired Gardenia bread last Feb. 2 but John and I ate 2 slices hmmm.... A bit different if it is not expired but still edible... Best to eat until Feb.2... I asked Uncle Jun if he bought it, he said it was just given to him... I said are you aware that it is already expired? He said yeah! Just appreciate it,it was just given to me ( wag ng maarteh bigay lang yan )... Not my ideal life to live this way...

2:22 pm

Still,have windblow...

Still, on washing clothes...I feel self-pity but able and surviving but not my ideal life...Why? Coz I can't use the washing machine regularly if I don't have a job to share a bills here... Not my ideal life...

I'm so broke....I need a job and money...

2:46 pm

Still,have windblow...

Hmm... I tried to eat 2 slices of expired bread this afternoon, it is already expired for 5 days... Hmm...It has a different taste already but the best way to eat it is to toast or make a french toast! There is a slight difference if it is already expired..

I need an egg and fresh milk angels or butter???

What else? Not my ideal life to buy an expired bread...

But I'm so broke, angels...

Hmm... What else???

I need a new phone... I wanna leave this place if I can,it is like a bang in the head here... I wanna gain new friends who can lift me up... I need a bf who can be supportive of my vanities...

6:15 pm

Still,have windblow...

I'm not ohkay coz I'm thinking of money,my fare allowance on the open house on 11th... Though it is not yet sure coz it is open house to hire an employee but it is in a way pride and ego of a family to see if a family has a unity inside the family....

Not yet sure coz it is applying day of everyone but it is easier to get hired if you have a backer most specially on the "open house"!

I'm so broke though, I'm single and feeling young but I have the maturity of my actual age 47 but society made me 20, inspite of my deep smile lines that I wanted to remove....

It is just heart breaking in my part,if I can't attend the "open house",though I'm not sure if I'm going to be hired but hoping and praying to attend coz it is chances in life...I feel like I'm a Cinderella for a life time,I wanna cry and I'm super self-pitying... I'm so worrying where can I get money, angels???

My case is a special case, I got the maturity 2013... If I'm an actual mother, I'm gonna make a way to survive my daughter having this simple case of providing a fare allowance... Gets, angels?

Or they want me stuck,angels... I badly need help angels...

From the past months I was able to work but there were or are still people in the society who as well chasing and damaging me for something that I couldn't understand...

What I have is a special and serious case... I need to get a job and it is hard for me to have a starter money again... But first, I'm thinking if I can make it on 11th...

8:05 pm

Still,have windblow...

Done,doing the prayer vow...

I feel bad and I hate those people who unfairly interfered on me... I wanna leave Cavite...

I thought my friends like me but they didn't....They campaign for people to hate me? I guess...

I still want Manalo dead for being unfair!!! I still hate their chiffon organizer...

If I can't go to the "open house" it seems I don't have a family...

I don't like the fake Borgy if the windblow is telling the truth that he doesn't like me? Coz I'm upper? That is my windblow wave story tonight.... It is a weird windblow wave story... I don't want him if he is competing me and their group! How can I be upper, I'm broke these days.... I had yaya!

Did Borgy get this??? It's been 18 years,unfair they took my progress...It must be 2 steps behind me...

I want some fulfillment in life...

8:27 pm

Still,have windblow...

Fakers windblow or some fakers being fair! I wanna leave Cavite if I can or I wanna buy a house be with a cute guy or bf that I want...

I feel bad, if only doraemon's door is here... I want to go back where I saw tita Stella's son and my cousin-white on Dubious coz probaby I'm in USA now...

I wanna have new set of friends... I want a lift,friends who got money and able to pull me up ... Friends who appreciate vanities...

I miss having attention from cute men as well... I feel ugly for so long...

8:55 pm

Still,have windblow...

Look-back...

With my black american cousin Janet and Sis Maco...

My half-sister in blood Maco or Carol...

Maco and I... Maco is cute here,angels...

I'm the cutest of them all,angels....

My first bf but just a puppy bf...

This is Jimbo Salazar...

Look back baranggay chairman Raul "Nonoy" Abalos... The one that has a red cloth...

The blue shirt is the brother of tita Jinkie ( xgf of tito Jun ).

This is my x-bf who went to New Jersey, My Josh Harnett.. He made me cry hahaha But I'm ohkay now...

Finally, I got one picture of him.. He wanted to masturbate over the phone...

Love you nana with RV and I (Pie )...

9:32 pm

Still,have windblow...

I feel bad on Bessing or Monette supposed to be we will do vanities for our nose perfection... But I guess she is happy with someone else and didn't want me anymore...

I feel irritated on Mitch, did she meet Bessing? Are they guilty? Are they somewhere out there? Mitch when is the hosting? I feel bitterish! Can you pull up the nose of Bessing as my experiment as I planned to have nose perfection...

Can someone make pull up the nose of Bessing/Monette Lladoc on perfection....This is an order from me as a punisher and queenish! Seriously,Mitch you are both guilty, I guess.. Just do it but no total woman unless, I'm doing it...

Total woman means clearing the vagina and trying to build muscle down there...

[vlovann]

Just to elaborate on this, my job used to say if you don’t make $50 in tips, you get free food. You also get free food if it’s:

• A mistake - Someone rang an order in wrong and they remade it, so it’s just sitting there.

• A reward - You picked up someone’s shift for right after yours. Sometimes they overlap and they don’t want you to have a break and you have to refuse not to take one for yourself.

• Pity - You didn’t make “enough” (for fucking WHAT? It is NOT EVEN in my FUCKING pocket and it WON’T be…for 1-2 WEEKS)

• Scraps - something that’s past it’s sell by date and might expire in your fridge.

Never acknowledged, of course!

Yeah so they took it down to $30 in tips.

Hence, the wishing I wouldn’t make 30 untouchable numbers, so I could eat today.

I made over $30 today. Only on card because cash is disappearing like dvds (typed wrong and it auto-corrected to “dads”…still works)

I am starving.

The rest of my money has dedications I’m waiting to pay.

I am on my shark week and in even more pain. Can’t take pain meds because that’ll just make it worse without food.

Didn’t sleep well, had to rush out the door, so no cereal.

My hands were shaking while checking someone out for a to go mocha I had to make too.

I almost put the silverware holder (for polished ones not meant to go in a dishwasher) and fucking table napkins in a sanitizing machine instead of on a shelf under the counter.

I scooped sauce out of a ramekin into the Petri dish that the silverware sit in, waiting to be washed at the end of a shift instead of in the trash without even questioning it until it was already done. I never fucking do that. I clear everything where it’s supposed to go because I’ve been a dishwasher and have had personal vendettas against the servers that didn’t.

Had to ask someone else to fill the ice bin even though it was my task because I just didn’t have the energy for going all the way back to the machine and then forgot I didn’t already sweep my section. So I had to do heavier physical labor anyway. I might’ve half-assed.

I was supposed to leave at 1. They wouldn’t let me start closing my shift out. It is 3:30. I got here at 7:15 am. This shit is completely avoidable.

I can’t get home till my partner is off and if I had the car, I wouldn’t trust myself to drive. They don’t work in the food industry and they get a meal, so they’re okay enough to get through, at least. (Genuinely)

Refusing your food service workers food when they have to smell, touch, and see food, watch people eat, and overhear conversations at tables about their corporate level job and being able to afford anything at all is literally torture.

Let’s start calling it what it is. It’s inhumane. Neglect. Greedy. Physical and physiological TORTURE.

Servers shouldn’t have to think “I hope I don’t make $30 in tips, so I can get a free pity meal”.

Free shift meals should be standard for everyone in food service and any low paying job.

[tokoyamisstuff]

Scandal Ch. 4 - Loki x Reader

Summary: Nothing can stop the wrath of the God of Mischief, when he realizes he had been deceived by the people he trusted more than his beloved wife.

Warnings: Angst, Violence

Words: ~1700

"But what the world fails to realize is a villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told.” - Chris Colfer

I Story Masterlist I General Masterlist I

Taglist: @hi-there-x @haloangel391 @misssilencewritewell @babayaga67 @accioremuslupinn @mochimommy2002 @just-someone-who-likes-to-write @damalseer @bethanystan @loser-alert @star017 @nina1800 @queenariesofnarnia @n1fangirlsblog @vengefulsokovian @lunamoonbby @freyagallileaevans​

A/N: This is a rather boring chapter, but we’re far from done!

“She already left several moons ago. It was her own wish, we did not force her.”

“Where to?” 

“Midgard.”

Loki was long back on Asgardian territory, yet his mind couldn’t find peace. Well, how could he, now knowing what Laufey told him?

His world had already crumbled to dust when he left you behind - but if Laufey spoke the truth, his whole existence had been built on lies from the very start.

Not knowing where to search for answers, the prince sneaked into Odin’s forbidden chambers, walking in the shadows protecting him in the midst of night.

There it was: The Cascet of Ancient Winters - the very relic that doomed the fate of your newborn, revealing it’s shameful blood to all of Asgard.

It just urged him to try and see for himself, even if the truth would shatter his heart.

“STOP!”

Loki wouldn’t even flinch at the Allfather’s words, already tightly holding the cascet in both hands.

“Am I cursed?”

The God of Mischief wouldn’t even dare to turn around and look at the person he always ever thought to be his father - for as soon as he laid fingers on the cascet, he began turning into that same shade of blue your son did.

Panic began to rise in the young god, fearing to be killed by the people he loved so dearly shall they lay eyes upon what he truly was. His chest began to tighten, fastened breath turning into a cold mist.

“No” was Odin’s firm but unsatisfying answer, to which Loki only responded by putting down the cascet.

“What am I?”

“You’re my son.” His words came from the heart, not even faltering as Loki turned around to present his Jotun form to the Allfather.

“What more than that?!” he almost growled in between gritted teeth, appearance slowly returning to his usual self.

At that deepest, darkest day in his life yet, Loki would be too blinded by betrayal and rage to see his father’s true love towards his adoptive son.

“The cascet wasn’t the only thing you took back from Jotunheim that day, was it?” The prince took firm steps towards the man that he had known all his life, but had become a complete stranger towards him through that sole moment.

Again, only a “no.”

Loki’s mind was racing, thinking about what else may have been hidden from himself - and what kind of consequences that revelation had for everything he had done up until now.

“In the aftermath of the battle, I went to the temple -- and I found a baby” the Allfather continued, “Small, for a giant’s offspring. Abandoned, suffering, left to die...”

“...Laufeyson” Loki completed Odin’s sentence. So every word the King of the Jotunns had said was indeed a fact.

“W-W-why?!” he almost whined, voice weak and defeated. “You were knee deep in Jotun blood, why would you take me?”

“You were an innocent child-”

“No.” The God of Lies himself had become so sick of being fed those, starting to snap. “You took me for a purpose. What was it???” 

For what felt like an eternity, there was only silence.

The image of that small, blue child in his arms had been painfully burned into his heart back then. But now that he knew the story behind all of this, it held a completely different meaning.

Just like he had been abandoned back on that frozen rock, he had abandoned his own child, as well as the love of his life.

Outcast, abused, left to die...and now, god knows what had happened to you...

That secret had destroyed more than just his own life. It had ruined the only honest happiness he was ever given - you, and his son.

“TELL ME!”

He just needed to know: The reason behind all the pain and suffering he had to endure - and caused to others as well.

“I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day, bring about an alliance, bring about permanent peace...through you.”

That was just too much for Loki to bear. “What?” he reacted with a barely-there voice, every word of his father shooting daggers through his heart.

“But those plans no longer matter.” No matter what Odin might want to explain, Loki wasn’t able to listen to any more, jumping into his own conclusions.

“So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up inside of here until you might have use for me?!” he croaked, afraid of the answer.

“Do not twist my words.”

“You could told me what I was from the beginning!” he now yelled, furious at how virtuous Odin would still defend his own action. “Why didn’t you?”

“You’re my son” he repeated once again. “I only wanted to protect you from the truth.”

“Why, ‘cause I-I-I-I’m the monster people tell their children about at night?!” Loki clenched his fists, fingernails drawing blood to his palm.

“At least when my son was born, you should’ve dropped the charade!” Pure agony was dripping from every syllable, and for a mere second, his eyes were glistering bright red once again. “You’ve forsaken two innocent lives - the most important beings in my pathetic existence - and now you’ve burdened me with their suffering as well!”

That sure was a miracle - how a person so broken from the beginning wouldn’t collapse under pressure that huge.

“It all makes sense now, why you favoured Thor, all those years! Because no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard!”

But who cares about the throne, honestly? Not him. Not anymore. Ever since he knew you.

It all dawned to him now: What he could have, if only he had put his trust in you like so many times before.

All his life, he only ever remembers a shadow. At first, he thought it to be the shadow of his brother, or never being enough for his own father. Maybe the other Asgardians looking down on him, making him feel like he doesn’t belong.

Yet in the end, that very shadow was inside of his own mind.

But you?

You had loved Loki with all of your heart, banishing the darkness from his mind through your bright affection.

It didn’t matter to you what anyone thought of him - or even what he thought himself to be.

Because you saw him for what he really was, and he found peace with that.

And he was certain that it wouldn’t matter to you whether he called himself Odinson or Laufeyson - as had you loved his child dearly, ever since he took his first breath.

He could never make up for that greatest of his sins, Loki knew that much.

Or...?

“Where are you going, my son?”

Reluctantly, Loki made his way past the man he now only considered a stranger. Still, when Odin tried to reach out to him, Loki immediately ducked away, startled and afraid for his true nature to hurt anyone.

More than ever before, the God of Mischief despised himself to the core of his being. He was lost, confused, shocked - and still, determined.

“Creating a Kingdom for my family.”

___

[Earth, 2 months later]

On times like these, you thought your mind was betraying you.

Especially when you catched yourself reminiscing sweet, innocent moments - far back in the past, before everything you ever held dearly got destroyed.

You still felt his touch, feather-light on your skin, as well as his scent haunting your memories. And sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder how life would have been, well...if things were different.

Frantically shaking your head, you clasped the book closed and threw it into a corner of the small one-room-flat SHIELD had provided for you.

Your magical pockets were always almost empty, except for a few necessities - and that book. It held the first flower Loki ever gifted you, and you had dried it in between those pages so it would never lose it’s beauty.

But now, remembering meant pain - because Loki Laufeyson would never come back.

For he is dead.

Fell of the Bifrost, as confirmed by Heimdall, who secretly kept in touch with you all this time. So you knew it all: Of his grief and treason, which slowly led him into madness. 

And what did you do in the meantime?! Nothing at all!

You should’ve tried everything, anything to get back and help him go through that time of need, hel!

“Endure it, Y/N...you need to stay strong...for Liam.” After so many times of telling those words to yourself, you doubted them to have any effect on your broken heart at all.

Yet it would never fail to keep you going. For that wonderful child was proof of your love, and now your last memory of him.

Rocking the small Jotun to sleep, tears found their way to your eyes like so many times before, dropping to the baby’s face unnoticed.

So you tried to sing your pain away as you cooed that little wonder to sleep.

“Å eg lengtar så tidt dette landet å sjå, Og det dreg meg så blidt, når eg langt er ifrå. Med den våknande vår vert min saknad so sår, så mest gråta, mest gråta eg kan. Å eg minnest, å eg minnest, å eg minnest så vel dette land. Å eg minnest, å eg minnest, å eg minnest så vel dette land.”

*Translation:

“Oh I long so long to see this land, And it pulls me so gently, when I'm far away. With the waking spring host my missing so sore, so most cry, most cry eg can. Oh I remember, oh I remember, oh I remember this country as well. Oh I remember, oh I remember, oh I remember this country as well.”

[gotnofucks]

Master of His Own Fate

Pairing: dark!Bucky x Reader, dark!Steve x Reader

Summary: As far as Bucky knew, fate would not decide who you belong to. Very twisted dark soulmate AU.

Words: 3.3k

Warning: forced bonding (in a way), blood, violence, messed up stuff, language, noncon (if you squint). 18+ ONLY

MASTERLIST

A/n: I have no idea how this got deleted ^.^

Part 2

-----------------------------------------

Bucky crushed the phone in his hand and let the broken pieces clatter to the floor. His whole body trembled with barely restrained anger and he took deep breaths to calm himself. How could you do this to him. How dare you.

You’d known each other for two years now since you joined the Avengers Medical team at the tower. As someone who frequented the med bay a lot, you both saw a lot of each other. Bucky knew from the moment he saw you that you were a sweetheart. His sweetheart. He didn’t care that the initials on your wrist were not his. He didn’t care about the stupid Soulmate legend. You were made for him and that was the end of it. So why now did he find your profile on findmysoulmate app? Why were you looking for the person whose name matched the initials on your wrist when the one who you belonged to was right here?

“Buck, you okay pal?”, Steve asked, and Bucky’s gaze flew to him.

“No. I am not alright. My girl has decided to whore herself out to other men and I am not fucking alright Steve!”

“Your girl…Y/n would never do that. I just saw her this morning.”

When the people said Steve and Bucky were best friends on and off field, they forgot to mention about how alike they were in their thinking too. If Bucky said you belonged to him, Steve believed him, no questions asked.

“She has a profile on findmysoulmate. I saw it. She’s looking for him, whoever he is!” Bucky shouted and then started pacing back and forth. Steve let him work out his frustration for a minute before stopping him with a hand on his shoulder.

“You know, maybe you should finally talk to her now. She’s young, innocent. And she spends awful amount of time with Wanda who never shuts up about soulmates. She’s impressionable and must have been confused. You can put that right. Let her know who owns her.” Steve said gently. Bucky blinked at Steve then nodded. It made sense after all. You were a nice girl. You would never intentionally break his heart.

“Yeah, I think you’re right. I need to let her know she’s mine. I’ve waited long enough for her to come to the conclusion on her own anyway. She’s young, she needs help to see it.”

----------------------------------------------------

You were returning to the compound after a day of disappointment and exhaustion. Wanda had convinced you to make an account on findmysoulmate and post a pic of the initials on your wrist. Everyone wasn’t born with some stranger’s initials tattooed on their body. You’d lived with these two letters since the day you were born, and people had told you how lucky you were to be gifted with someone special. They did not however understand how utterly taxing it could be to have a soulmate. Finding the person you are destined for is not easy, since they could be anywhere in the world, in any country. You had no luck finding him, whoever he was, and you were losing hope.

People who didn’t have their soulmarks didn’t understand the burden it came with. Once you knew that there was someone out there in the world for you who was going to be in absolute sync with you, you just couldn’t settle for anyone else. It doesn’t matter how many nice men you met or dated, you kept thinking about the person you’re meant to be with. You can’t be happy with anyone else, ever. For the longest time now, you’d ignored your soulmark after having no idea who the initials belonged to. You couldn’t live your life searching for him. Instead, you focused on your studies and honed your skills until you became the youngest doctor to join the avengers. You loved working here and the busy atmosphere almost always took your mind off things. But then you met Wanda Maximoff and the girl wouldn’t shut up about the mystery man you’re meant to “marry and have cute cute kids with who’ll call me auntie Won-Won!”. How Wanda convinced you to not just join the app but go on a date with a man who matched your soulmark you don’t know. But it was a disaster. Though the man had your initials on his wrist too, it was more than obvious in the first few minutes that you both were not the people destiny paired together. Not only was he a pervert whose gaze barely lifted from your cleavage, but he was also a junkie who took out a pouch from his pocket and laid down two lines of coke on the table as dessert. After you had made sure to report your date and pay for the miserable dinner, you’d gone out on a drive and stopped by every food cart on the way to indulge in comfort food.

Now, it was way past midnight as you returned to the compound with your beautiful dress wrinkled and makeup smudged from crying. You were tired and you vowed to give a piece of your mind to Wanda the first thing tomorrow morning, right after chucking your phone in her face. You entered the security pin to your apartment and shut the door behind you, blindly searching for the switchboard. Flicking it on, you removed your high heels and sighed in relief.

“Welcome back.”

You screamed and stumbled back, before you recognized the figure sitting in your living room. Bucky had his legs crossed at his ankle and he was drinking whatever soda you’d left in the fridge.

“What the fuck, Bucky? You scared me to death!” You huffed in annoyance. “What are you doing here at this hour anyway?”

Bucky took another gulp of his drink before setting his glass down and looked at you with a frown.

“The question should be where the fuck have you been all this time? I’ve been here since seven in the evening and you are returning hours later looking like you just spent a few hours sucking some good for nothing bastard’s dick.” He had never cursed in front of you like that or been rude to you.

“Excuse me, what the hell is wrong with you. I – You know what, just leave. I’m too tired to deal with anyone’s shit at the moment. Go.” You just wanted to burrow in your bed and sleep your horrible day off. You’ll worry about a cranky Bucky tomorrow.

“No, I think we’ll stay.”

“We?”

That was when Steve emerged from your kitchen and you tried your best to rouse your half-asleep mind. Bucky and Steve were in your apartment after midnight, without your consent and they seemed less than friendly. You looked at them cautiously, very sure they were in no need of emergency medical aid to prompt this visit. Both of them were frowning at you, their eyes displeased at your ruffled appearance.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I am seriously too tired to care. I had the most horrible date of my life and I’m sure I ate too much and will end up puking in the morning. Whatever you have to say, can it wait until tomorrow?” You were already crossing the hall to your bedroom as you spoke, but Bucky quickly stood up and stopped you with a grip on your arm.

“You were on a date?” He growled and looked at Steve as if to say, ‘what did I tell you’.

You shrugged his arm off, the cold metal of it waking you up along with the dark tone of his voice. Suddenly, though you were in your home, you felt unsafe. It was bizarre because these were two avengers who you counted as friends and felt very secure with, but you gut was screaming at you to get as far away from them as possible. The very peculiar feeling of fear formed in your gut, the very same one that women get when they know they are being stalked in a dark alley at night. You hesitantly moved away from Bucky, only to bump into Steve. You peered at him over your shoulder and he wore the most disappointed expression you had ever seen on his face.

“Where do you think you’re going Y/n? Bucky asked you something, answer him.” Steve said and pushed you towards his friend with a hand on your back. Bucky crossed his arms over his chest and looked at you, waiting. You felt trapped, your exhaustion waning with every passing second.

“What’s happening guys? You both are scaring me.” You said.

“Maybe you should be scared, sweetheart. You just came home having spent the last few hours with a man who’s not me and going by the state of you, your evening was very eventful. Did you let him cum in you? Did you compare those tattoos on your wrists and make plans for future?” Bucky had crept closer and now he was inches apart, his words spoken directly in your face.

You blinked almost stupidly at this sudden twist in your night. Bucky was angry at you for having gone to a date, Steve was disappointed. But that makes no sense. Why should it matter to them at all, unless for some reason Bucky thinks…?

“Buck, you are my friend. I don’t know why you’re talking this way. Why you sound so –”

“– So jealous? Because you fucking belong to me. You have always belonged to me.”

The moment the words left him, your worst suspicions were confirmed, and you wasted not one second before sprinting for the door. You think you would have managed to evade Bucky had Steve not been there. He seemed to have been waiting for you to make a move and you had taken only a step before you were grabbed by the back of your neck and pulled into Steve’s body.

“Stop! Both of you! Let me go!” You struggled but Steve held you fast and soon Bucky was at your back, his breath on your neck and hands capturing your arms.

“Baby, you need to slow down. Your squirming is turning me the hell on and as much as I would love to wipe any other man’s essence from you, we need to do something else first.” Bucky said and a second later he bit your neck making you screech. He kept pushing his teeth in, breaking your skin and you felt blood pooling in the juncture of your neck.

“Buck, stop.” Steve said and threw Bucky off you with a powerful shove. “Shit, come here sweetie.” You were cradled in Steve’s embrace, his handkerchief at your neck putting pressure on the wound and hand caressing your head. When Bucky made to move forward you whimpered and Steve stopped him with a raised hand.

“Baby, I am so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” Bucky said and you looked at him with tear filled eyes. Your day today has been a whirlwind of shitstorm and you just wanted it to be over so you could forget everything about it.

“Y/n look at me” Steve said softly and raised your face to his with a finger. “Did you have sex with your date tonight?”

His voice and actions were so soft compared to Bucky’s that you shuffled closer to his warmth and shook your head.

“No, I left early. It was terrible, so so terrible that I went out for a drive to clear my mind. I didn’t expect to be so late, but time just flew away.”

You knew you didn’t owe them any explanation; you knew they don’t have any right to ask anything from you. But you were tired, exhausted, shit scared and absolutely terrified of what they would do to you if you didn’t answer them. They were genetically enhanced super soldiers while you were a brainiac doctor who worked overtime to avoid thinking about a man she had never met. You were no match for them physically and you were smart enough to accept defeat when you had to.

“Shh, I got you sweetie. You’re a good girl, aren’t you? I know you’re so tired of being alone, of not having someone with you. But you’re so naïve. Look behind you, the perfect man who will love you more than anyone else is standing right here.” Steve said and turned you to face Bucky. Bucky slowly walked to you and held your hands, kissing both in apology.

“I know this seems sudden but believe me when I say that I’ve loved you practically from the first moment I saw you. Everything about you sets my nerve endings on fire. You dominate every part of my life: my thoughts, my dreams, my very breath has your name on it. You’re mine.”

Your breath caught in your throat in fear. This could not be happening to you. You struggled to remove your hands from Bucky’s, and he relented in the end with reluctance, a scowl on his handsome face.

“Bucky listen to yourself. You’re talking like a crazy man. I don’t belong to you, I literally can’t. I belong with him.” You said pointing at the initials on your wrist. You knew immediately you’d made a big mistake because every last bit of sanity faded from Bucky’s blue eyes and they turned feral. He crowded you and his hands, tight as steel brands, caged your body.

“How dare you, hm? How dare you talk about belonging to someone else in front of me? Don’t think for one second sweetheart that just because I love you, I’ll not punish you.” His voice had gone soft, the way it does when he’s as his most dangerous. Steve stirred somewhere behind you, but your eyes were locked in terror to Bucky’s who pinned you frozen with his glare.

“Buck, please…” You didn’t even know what you were asking him for. He apparently didn’t care to know because he had started dragging you across the hall towards your bedroom while you shouted and wrestled in his grip. You shouted for help and begged Steve to help you, but he had was silent and watched you being hauled to your room with no emotion on his face.

Bucky entered your room and swiftly pushed you to sit at the edge of the bed, one hand on your shoulder and other grabbing fistful of your hair to manipulate your head. You were pulled up and his kiss descended on you with the force of a truck, knocking you back and his body followed. He swallowed your moans and protests, teeth clashing against each other’s. You barely noticed his hand reaching for the hem of your dress and then the ripping sound echoed around your room and cool air met your bare skin.

“Please, don’t!” You said, hiding your breast with your hands. Bucky stood with his gaze fixed on your body and when his hand reached for his pants you started sobbing. Curiously, he didn’t reach for his zipper but instead fished from his pocket his trusty knife. You whole body began shaking enough to rattle your teeth and gibberish spilled from your parted mouth in fear.

“Don’t look at me like that baby, I will not kill you.” Bucky said but you were far from reassured.

You saw Steve enter the room from the corner of your eyes and heard the door shut. He walked swiftly to Bucky’s side and restrained the hand with the knife.

“What the hell are you doing pal? You’re scaring her, put this thing away.” Ever the voice of reason but Bucky looked at him imploringly.

“Don’t you see it Steve? Look at her wrist. As long as she lives, she’ll live with this ‘what if’. But we can change that. Set her free from whoever this man is.”

While the talked you made your last attempt to escape and jumped out of bed towards the door. You could almost taste the freedom on your tongue, the door knob was clenched in your hand when you were yanked back by Steve who hoisted your twisting body on his shoulder and dumped you back on bed with almost no effort. You curled in yourself, acutely aware of your nakedness.

“Don’t take away my soulmark, please. Don’t cut it!” You croaked out and Bucky looked at you with his head titled.

“Cut your arm? No no my love, you’ve got it wrong. I won’t cut your arm” He assured and bent over you to kiss your sweaty brow. “I’ll carve myself into you.”

With that he straddled your waist and kissed you again, the cold knife in his hand making a terrifying trail down your cheek to you neck and collarbone, before stopping right above your heart.

“You think these letters on your wrist make you someone else’s? Well, guess what sweetheart, I’ll put my letters on your heart. Then you’ll become mine!”

Your body jerked violently under his trying to buck him away and Bucky urged Steve to take hold of your arms. You lay prone with a hoarse throat and watched with fascinated horror and pain as Bucky’s knife nicked your skin and glided smoothly to form his initials. He was great with knives, so it hurt less, and the effect was neat. He wiped away the blood and you could see shining on your skin, right over your heart the initials: JBB.

You belonged with, no, you belonged to James Buchanan Barnes.

Your tears had stopped, and you lay limp on the bed, lower half immobile under Bucky’s weight while your arms were held fast in Steve’s. The fight had left your body and you wanted to drown in the numbing embrace of sleep.

“I’ve let too many people control me all my life. The army, then Hydra, even Avengers. They order me and I follow like a good soldier. But I won’t let anyone take you away from me. Not even fate. I’ll be the master of my own fate. You bear my marks now. You’re mine.”

His weight was gone, and he said something about getting you water before leaving the room. You didn’t move but when Steve lifted you a little, so you were in a comfortable position, you for some reason reached out to him and nuzzled your face into his chest to weep. His large hand patted your head and back, voice soothing as he shushed you.

Bucky came back with a chilled glass of water and painkillers but stopped at the door, watching you in Steve’s arm. Your eyes met his and you thought he’d be jealous and pissed but a content smile lit up his lips.

“Steve” His voice rang out and Steve looked at him. Whatever passed in that wordless gaze you couldn’t tell but a minute later Steve was puling you harder to his chest and his lips were pressed in your hair.

“I’m sorry” He whispered in your ear and he did genuinely sound upset. “If there was another way, I swear I would do it.”

Before you could ask what he meant, he rolled off the bed and resumed his position of taking hold of your arms. Bucky was again over you with his knife and a wild, almost passionately crazy look in his eyes. The knife was back over your heart but just below the three newly carved letters into your skin. As it sliced into you again, Bucky spoke.

“You can’t belong to me without belonging to him too, for we both are one. And after tonight, the three of us will be bound together.”

The blood forged a small river down your breast, and you hissed as a neat SGR was carved into you.

“You’re our girl Y/n.”

They cleaned you up and dressed you in your softest nightdress, both super soldiers on either side of you. They each held a hand of yours and their own clasped hands lay on your stomach as they slept. It didn’t matter now who was the man who bore your marks. Fate was too late.

[naamahdarling]

So. So like.

I had a BAD WEEK last week, a bad weekend before that, a bad week before that, a bad weekend before that, and a bad week before that. So, bad times.

Last Friday, when I read the world’s most diplomatic but pointed riot act to the supervisor at the mental health clinic for failing me utterly, partial lowdown at the link, I got an appointment for today to address some other medication issues, since I think raising the ADHD meds was not enough.  The appointment was for 4:15. I got a call at 2, because the doc does call early sometimes when he has run through extra time. He left a message, which I couldn’t understand because I have hearing loss, but I think it said “You have an appointment today, call me.” Which is questionable to begin with.  But then, at the appropriate appointment time, he didn’t call back again.

These people ghosted me!

So after waiting until 4:45, I called back and after being on hold for 10 minutes, I was told he had already left.  So AGAIN, I was diplomatically stern with them. The lady I spoke to was sympathetic.  

I was like “I’ve been having a horrible time, I need to talk to a doctor, it’s been like pulling teeth to get help from you guys, this is unacceptable.” And she was like “I don’t disagree, and I’m pissed. This isn’t okay.” And I was just like, “So are you going to do better?” and it was so polite but there was so many teeth in it, I was so so close to absolutely flipping my shit. And man, she was so contrite. 

She asked my name so she could book an appointment and then I found out it was the SAME WOMAN I SPOKE TO ON FRIDAY! Which was good.

Then I got to explain to her, painstakingly, that after 3 weeks of misery, I wasn’t sleeping at “normal” neurotypical horseshit hours (not words I used) and talking to someone at 9:30 am is not something, after all their nonsense, I am willing to do. They need to fix their shit and get this addressed.

So she straight-up took half his lunch break away so he can call me, and the satisfaction of that is almost worth getting up a little early lmao.

I am soooohoooohoooohoooo fucking FED UP.

What I have asked for since the 4th, 19 days ago:

1 appointment with my the PA

1 prescription for a scheduled med, entailing a PA to be passed to the prescribing MD, then faxed to Medicaid and approved by them

1 more appointment with the PA to address the horrid anxiety that has escalated because of their 

What they have done since the 4th, 19 days ago:

1 appointment with the PA on the 9th

1 prescription sent to Medicaid today, the 22nd, 14 days after I spoke to the PA, to be approved probably before but not later than the 26th, the day I run out of meds again

1 ghosted appointment when I was available to take the call at the designated time

This is how poor and disabled people are treated in the USA.

I have had serious thoughts of suicide this past week because of, specifically, the delays that my clinic caused. I have had urges to self-harm. I have been in so much pain and discomfort for so much longer than I had to be because of the delays they caused.

The low quality of mental health care in this country contributes to human misery and suicide, and this, this shit is what that process looks like.

[liu-lang]

i finally submitted my final paper for first language acquisition. above is the number of meetings we had - my other roommate who is a 4th year PhD student said this is excessive for a 1 semester class final paper. Reading week started on May 18 but all my plans to work on other final projects were bulldozed by my project partner for our FLA paper. even though i set the meetings for 30 min to 1 hour - there were times where we met for 4 hours straight or had 2 meetings in the same day (one in the morning and one at night..........even though i gently (perhaps too much so) reminded her....i have work) i've lost so much sleep and so much weight the past month - getting sleep has been crucial to handle the side effects of the medication i've been taking so i've felt really unwell and fatigued.

working with her and the level of detail and time she's devoted to this paper makes me feel like maybe i'm a terrible grad student ? .... i simply do not care this much. should i be caring this much ? she's incredibly smart and a way better syntactician than i am so it's really hard for me not to feel anything but inadequate when working with her. but then seeing the way she works stressed me out so much - that although the final paper is extremely thorough and well-researched i do not think the amount of suffering i went through was worth it. so many of the things she was concerned about, i don't even think our prof would have thought of.

as a reminder to myself to establish boundaries way sooner and never partner up with this person again, here are things that i had to handle during these zoom meetings

the professor emailed feedback and when she read the feedback she cried on camera multiple times

she was too afraid to use cloud-based Word so I had to deal with emailing drafts back and forth as attachments

once I convinced her to use cloud-based Word (the multiple versions got too much for me to handle and differentiate) this is when the hours long meetings ramped up bc she wanted us to sit together in the Word doc writing at the same time

any time she didn't see me in the Word doc she would point that out or if i didn't make eye contact with her on zoom (we always had to have camera and mic on) she'd ask what i'm doing/looking at

she made sure track changes was on (which is fine, track changes can be helpful for group projects - i used it all the time working on board reports for my public transit job) but if she saw me correct one of her typos she would....erase my correction and correct it herself... even if my correction and her correction was exactly the same ??

if she made any changes she would immediately text me or email me asking me to look over her work/comments and provide feedback by a set time - even when i tried to be nice about it and said 'i'm fine with the way things are worded' instead of exploding at her to f*ck off already bc i can't devote 8 hours a day to nitpick this paper apart, she would still refuse to move forward with anything until i gave explicit consent that her work was good

after our meetings in the evening, she would then say that we need to look over it 'one more time' - even though it was already like 02h00 at this point... and she would tell me she’d continue to stay up and wait for feedback - I felt guilty many times knowing that she for some reason refused to go to sleep after the meeting while I would promptly close my laptop, take my meds wayyyy later than the prescribed time (side effects were they made me sleepy immediately after I took them) and then suffer tremendously the next morning bc taking the meds later than prescribed made it extremely difficult to wake up for work on time or stay awake throughout the day

once i told her i had to go to work but instead of understanding that i literally don't have time to meet about this anymore today she asked when i was gonna get home from work and sent a zoom invite like one minute after the time i told her i'd be home by (she's a fully funded 1st year PhD student straight out of undergrad and i assume has never had to work any sort of job outside of academia)

if i showed her any python code she would be scared (having to write the methods part was excruciating bc she has no programming experience but was also very controlling about my wording yet she almost always could not understand how something as simple as like methods or functions worked yet she wouldn't allow me to use "too technical language")

i had to forward her the submission confirmation email from Blackboard so she knew for sure we submitted the exact same version

she asked me if some of the paragraphs were too square and i was like... sorry what does this mean ?? and apparently she was concerned that the width and the height of the paragraphs were too similar/almost equal that they looked too square

[imgoingtohellsofuckit]

Healing Process

Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings - None that I can think of

Summary - After Spencer got shot the bau put him on a two week leave to recover. He’s not taking it well so you try to help him find the good in all of this.

This takes place during season five so read at your own risk.

"Spencer come on," Y/n says as she moves to her boyfriend's side as he tries to get off the couch, "you need to lie down."

"I finished my book I'm just getting another," He says struggling to grab at his crutches. She moves over to him as Spencer gives up and sits back on the couch. "Can you-?"

Y/n grabs the stack of books he pulled earlier to read and sits them down on the table beside Spencer.

"Anything else Spencer?" She asks as she moves to adjust the pillow under his knee lightly. He tenses. Clearly in pain. "Do you want something for the pain maybe?"

"No," He says at once. She nods lightly. Knowing how uncomfortable he is with the idea of taking any pain meds after his past issues. She moves to tuck a piece of hair behind his ear. He groans slightly. Pain clearly too much for him. He tries not to show it. Instead, he lifts his book up. Trying to focus on the words.

"I'm going to start lunch," Y/n says softly. He doesn't acknowledge the statement. She moves into the kitchen. Gathering the supplies to cook. She's trying to stay positive. However, every sneak of glance she gets at Spencer just reinforces her worry. "Emily we both are fine- I promise."

"What's he doing?"

"He's reading," Y/n tells the other girl, "and before you even ask yes I'm keeping him off his feet."

"How's he doing though?" Emily asks. Y/n looks over at her boyfriend flipping through the pages of the book. "Okay, I hope?"

"Uh he's doing- alright," She says softly, "mostly." Y/n sighs as she goes to stir the soup. "He's reading a lot... Has been since he got released from the hospital." Emily chuckles lightly. "He's read these books a hundred times- maybe more. I'm surprised he can still stand them." Y/n laughs lightly. She moves to look over at Spencer. He was trying to get up. "Emily I'll call you back- Spencer." She sets the phone down as she rushes towards the man. "Spencer come on you know you can't keep getting up."

"I just need to go to the bathroom," Spencer assures the girl. She moves to his side.

"Then let me help you," She says as she moves to support his side, "come on."

"I've got it-"

"Just let me help you, love," She says softly, "come on Spencer." He sighs letting her help support his weight. She gently helps him along the hall to the bathroom. He takes over once inside. Making a point to shut the door on her. She sighs. "Just yell when you need help out." She hears him mumble beyond the door. She moves to step towards the living room. Straightening up the stacks of books and folding the blankets. The door opening catches her attention. She moves to try to help him. He pulls away slightly.

"I've got it," Spencer says firmly.

"It's alright I can help-"

"I said I've got it!" Spencer snaps. Y/n backs away. Clearly surprised by the tone. He sighs lightly. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell. It's just- I have to be able to do this on my own." She nods. He moves using the crutches to move along the hallway. She watches him closely. Making sure he isn't hurt in any way. Once he gets back to the couch he starts to fall. She rushes to his side to grab him. Helping him onto the couch. "Dammit." He growls.

"Spencer it takes a bit you won't get it overnight," She tells him, "but you're doing so well Spence." He huffs loudly. A guy like he isn't used to not being able to learn something quickly.

"I don't feel like it," He groans.

"I know but you're already getting better love," Y/n assures him as she carefully sits beside him. She reaches for his hand. Gripping it gently. "Let me get you something to eat." She stands moving to get him something to eat. Making sure the placement is neat. Hoping to give him some kind of comfort. Once she hands it over he still seems slightly upset. She knows this is weighing on him. He hates feeling useless like this. "Eat up Spencer."

"Thanks," He says softly. Y/n moves to help him prop his knee up. He doesn't look at her. She tries not to take it to heart.

"Need anything else?"

"No I think I'm fine," He says. She nods. She moves to sit beside him. Grabbing her laptop to work on her own work. Despite the fact, Rossi sent them both home until Spencer was better she was trying to help them as best she can. I mean losing three agents at once is a huge hit on the force. But after Hotch was shot he needed time off- and of course, Spencer needed time to recover himself. And if Spencer can't walk he can't exactly take care of himself. So Rossi sent you with him. "What's the new case?"

"I'm not allowed to tell you," Y/n says as she runs through the background check, "Rossi's orders. Sorry love."

"Come on I can help," He says leaning towards her. She tilts the screen so he can't see it. He rolls his eyes lightly. "Come on-"

"Spencer you should focus on resting," She tells him, "besides you won't be on this case. They are already in Arizona giving them the profile- your job would be done anyways."

"You know it doesn't end at the profile," He points out.

"Yeah- but your jurisdiction does," She tells him, "this part is my job. Tech lady remember."

"Just let me help-"

"Spencer," She says firmly, "I don't need your help. I'm perfectly fine running a background check by myself. You should eat while it's still hot." He sighs. Leaning back to start at the soup again. "Besides- I have their guy right here. I'm sending it to JJ and Rossi now." He nods lightly. She shuts her laptop and moves to place her hand on his thigh carefully. Making sure not to mess with his knees or bandages.

"I just feel useless like this," He sighs, "I mean Hotch is already out. They need me there- they need us there." She smiles lightly. Trying not to show pity in the look. "It just sucks."

"I know babe," She says taking his hand, "but you need to be here recovering. If you don't take care of it now then you won't get to go back on the field. And that is so much worse than 2 weeks out." He nods.

"I guess you're right," He says softly.

"I always am," She smiles, "besides it's not all bad here." He raises a brow. Wondering how this could in any way be something other than bad. "We get to spend our time together. Not looking at dead bodies." He smiles lightly. "And we don't have a no PDA rule here."

"That's true," He says smirking, "you know there was a study- it hasn't been completely proven yet but it's worth a shot?"

"Yeah what is it, Spence?"

"Rumor says a kiss can make someone feel better," He says smirking lightly. She moves gently pulling him into a soft kiss. He deepens it immediately. Moving his hands to the sides of her face. He takes control. They both are clearly enjoying it. She chuckles as she breaks the kiss.

"Feel any better?" She asks.

"Hmm, I think we should try it again," Spencer says, "I don't think it took its full effect." She nods. He moves meeting her for another sweet kiss.  This time he's the one to break the kiss. A big smile stretched across his face. "I think this study has a point. I feel much better."

"Sure you do lover boy," Y/n says smiling lightly, "now how about some ice? Might take the swelling down at least."

"That would be fantastic," Spencer says. She moves off to get her boyfriend the ice back. He smiles lightly as he watches her move off. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad he thinks to himself. They don't get much time with just the two of them outside of work and the free time they normally get is spent catching up on sleep. It's nice for them to have moments where they can just enjoy being around each other. Sure he wishes the situation was different but he can't exactly change that now.

"Alright here is your ice," She says handing it over to him, "10 minutes on. I'll set a timer for you."

"Thank you," He says smiling lightly.

"You're welcome Spencer," She says brightly as she sits beside him again. She moves to grab her laptop again but Spencer stops her. "What's up?"

"Can we try that independent study again?"

"Anytime Spencer," She says meeting him in another soft kiss.

Maybe these two weeks wouldn't be so bad.