#I WANT to GAIN weight…so bad
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Just to elaborate on this, my job used to say if you don’t make $50 in tips, you get free food. You also get free food if it’s:
• A mistake - Someone rang an order in wrong and they remade it, so it’s just sitting there.
• A reward - You picked up someone’s shift for right after yours. Sometimes they overlap and they don’t want you to have a break and you have to refuse not to take one for yourself.
• Pity - You didn’t make “enough” (for fucking WHAT? It is NOT EVEN in my FUCKING pocket and it WON’T be…for 1-2 WEEKS)
• Scraps - something that’s past it’s sell by date and might expire in your fridge.
Never acknowledged, of course!
Yeah so they took it down to $30 in tips.
Hence, the wishing I wouldn’t make 30 untouchable numbers, so I could eat today.
I made over $30 today. Only on card because cash is disappearing like dvds (typed wrong and it auto-corrected to “dads”…still works)
I am starving.
The rest of my money has dedications I’m waiting to pay.
I am on my shark week and in even more pain. Can’t take pain meds because that’ll just make it worse without food.
Didn’t sleep well, had to rush out the door, so no cereal.
My hands were shaking while checking someone out for a to go mocha I had to make too.
I almost put the silverware holder (for polished ones not meant to go in a dishwasher) and fucking table napkins in a sanitizing machine instead of on a shelf under the counter.
I scooped sauce out of a ramekin into the Petri dish that the silverware sit in, waiting to be washed at the end of a shift instead of in the trash without even questioning it until it was already done. I never fucking do that. I clear everything where it’s supposed to go because I’ve been a dishwasher and have had personal vendettas against the servers that didn’t.
Had to ask someone else to fill the ice bin even though it was my task because I just didn’t have the energy for going all the way back to the machine and then forgot I didn’t already sweep my section. So I had to do heavier physical labor anyway. I might’ve half-assed.
I was supposed to leave at 1. They wouldn’t let me start closing my shift out. It is 3:30. I got here at 7:15 am. This shit is completely avoidable.
I can’t get home till my partner is off and if I had the car, I wouldn’t trust myself to drive. They don’t work in the food industry and they get a meal, so they’re okay enough to get through, at least. (Genuinely)
Refusing your food service workers food when they have to smell, touch, and see food, watch people eat, and overhear conversations at tables about their corporate level job and being able to afford anything at all is literally torture.
Let’s start calling it what it is. It’s inhumane. Neglect. Greedy. Physical and physiological TORTURE.
Servers shouldn’t have to think “I hope I don’t make $30 in tips, so I can get a free pity meal”.
Free shift meals should be standard for everyone in food service and any low paying job.
#food is a human right#food is a human fucking right#food service#waiters#waitress#free food#food#I can feel my body eating the stored fat I’ve had to work unnecessarily hard to gain#Every fucking time I manage to gain weight#my job fucking breaks the streak#I WANT to GAIN weight…so bad#food insecurity#restaurant workers#reality of restaurant workers.#food industry#reality of the food industry#if you can’t afford to pay your workers to afford your products#everyday#you need to go out of business#so the workers can find somewhere that will feed them#especially if you’re rich because of it#that should be factored into your business plan from the get go.#not funny#serious post#physical torture#psychological torture#traumatic experience#neglect#inhumane#corporate greed
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Some notes on Nigel from my modern adult AU, where all their adventures were just them playing pretend as kids and now they're grown up.
I always liked the cancer theory for Nigel, so I went with that. (what can I say, I love angst...) He left because the US healthcare system is a joke.
I made this for outfits, but it kinda just evolved into random notes.
#torras art#codename kids next door#knd#modern adult au#nigel uno#a reminder that if this au isn't your cup of tea you don't have to interact with it#idk if or when I'll do the others#everyone's would be different I would not draw everyone in their undies I only did so with Nigel to show how scrawny and sickly he looks#don't worry he's slowly gaining the weight back#I hc that he also just has a high metabolism in general#one of those guys who can just pack away 40billion calories like it's nothing#I looked up so many things on cancer just to make sure I wasn't spewing nonsense that google probably thinks I have cancer now#also he's had cancer since he was like 7... before he even joined the KND#he blamed his hair loss on the DCFDTL and they rolled with it because they just wanted to be included in their pretend game#even if they were the bad guys#his cancer went into remission for a while but started to come back towards the end of the series
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Okay so I tried looking back at "Sexercise" and by all the things in heaven I had forgotten how porny it was... I mean what else am expecting with porn content but... Ah, the thing is I'm getting old. I'm not actually old but I am not the teenager I used to be when starting Tumblr. And I am asexual, you see. Not as in "repulsed by sex" (though I used to for a while), just... it leaves me indifferent. This allowed me to go through porn works back in the days to look for all the things that were around the actual sexual things happening. But as time flies by and I grow older I just... you know it kind of tires me.
Take Sexercise. I LOVE the way the main character's body is drawn, I love that we have a full weight gain then weight loss allowing us to see his body evolved from muscular-fit to handsome-thickness. But... while before I could go through the whole thing while just scrolling mindlessly the porn sections, now I just get tired of them. Tired of how over-the-top and ridiculous some of it is, and tired of how just plain cringe sometimes it is. It is part of why I kind of slowed down overall in posting - especially with animes as while when you're a youthful teen you can pass off all the sexual and perverts elements in anime as just another joke or just the weird Japanese tradition, after a while you get to spot it everytime and realized how weighing and heavy it is (no pun intended) and it kind of wears me out. Especially when you realize how gross and wrong a lot of this is (because when you look for things touching the fetish in the scenes of mangas and manhwa, BY GOSH you fall on some disturbing stuff).
Anyway... If anyone wants to relay me or take over the look for good Sexercise picks to appreciate the weight gain of our chubby boy, don't hesitate. It seems I was the ONLY one to talk about this because of how only my pictures come out on Google Image when searching for this...
Meanwhile I found out the existence of a new, softer BL manga called "I'm kinda chubby but I'm your hero". I heard it is nice, so in case you want something a bit sweeter
#honestly it is not that I don't want to continue posting on this blog#it's just that technical difficulties make it much harder (ipad is dead#my computer is VERY old etc etc)#and as a result of technology preventing it from frenetically and obsessively posting i allowed myself to step back a bit and realize i was#tired#so you know... if someone else has the time and energy please pick up the flame#there used to be many other blogs collectings mangas and animes about chubby men and weight gain and the like#i hope there's still some around#as for me i am kind of sticking to nice and easy things to find and post about#because I sound like an old man but I can't post like I used to do anymore X)#it's bad for health#just the tired rant of the evening
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skyglow:
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(alternative title: photo dump of a midnight desert run)
#photography#Ford's Art#color says shit#it was either go on a twelve mile run or re-download grindr and get absolutely blasted so I went with the more responsible option.#b because damn I'm feeling it tonight. or at least I was before the run. I need to shower and then I'll cook dinner and go to bed satiated.#I did also jerk off under the bridge and then piss on someone's flowers on the way home. gotta get those animal instincts out somehow right?#anyway I've successfully vented most of my manic energy and a cold shower will finish it off and then we're good.#the mood meds have been helping a lot. last time I got hit with this kind of a mood I came out of it with huge bite marks and chlamydia.#and I haven't been feeling it nearly as bad this time so that's nice. more like a restless dog and less like a caged wolf thirsty for blood.#yes I'm making references to Call of the Wild again deal with it.#anyway sorry to anyone who sees this from the tags and not because you follow me. you didn't sign up for this lmao.#also. this is why I can't be a binary trans woman. this night photography shit is the most gay-man thing ever and I enjoy it.#I was doing it before my last boyfriend but he got me even more into it.#anyway bye I'm gonna go shower and then eat food. I've been hungrier more recently.#between the meds and the hrt my appetite is bigger and I'm gaining weight with the hrt fat redistribution which is cool and good.#I want to be a healthy weight and maybe even a lil chonky? we'll see we'll see.
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I think I will wear lolita fashion when I get home. As a treat.
#I feel bad wanting to get more lolita accessories because there's never any occasion to wear the pieces I *do* have#but literally what's stopping me#(also i gained some stress weight in '22 & '23 so i'm afraid of it not fitting)#(not a full coord. maybe just a skirt if i can fit in it)#majobun chatter
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I'm not going to the wedding. I can't do it.
#v true#shut up Nicki#I'm sweating so bad#and I already said I wasn't going#i want to cry#I just.i don't think i can be around those ppl#most of them have always been nice to me#but I believe most of them new my dad was cheating on my mom with multiple women over decades#and that upsets me v much#and I can't fake nice to them#also the anxiety of seeing ppl I haven't seen in a decade is killing me#and I gained A LOT of weight#and they HATE fat ppl#so that's not good
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need to do stuff before i become suicidal again. LOL
#girl now that i’m unemployed i have so much time to think and it’s getting bad again. Like can i please NOT#but i just don’t know what the fuck to do i don’t know what i like i don’t have interests i am the most boring person on earth plus my old#friends hate me and i am gaining so much weight and i don’t think i can give my boyfriend what he deserves and i just !!!!!!!!!!!#i am losing my goddamn mind already i wanted to relax but this is not working#oh my goddddd oh my god#effie talks to the moon
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I'm so fucking hungry and tired and thirsty and am I doing anything about it?? no!!
#cw// ed#i know i need to have something bc my babysitter will be here soon but shgarqgwywh!!!#its not even a weight motivated thing really. i mean it is but it isnt.#like i dont particularly want to lose weight i just am SO SCARED of gaining it.#but mostly its just a general AHHHH FOOD BAD I CANT DO IT I DONT NEED IT#oh and i picked out the ~protein source~ from my dumb lunch and then tossed the rest for similar reasons 🙃#wtf is happening and why do i feel powerless to stop it
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I for one head canon that Martin started loosing weight during season four as the lonely got its grips on him, it’s a sort of physical sign of his loss of interest, how depression (or like- the lonely or whatever) has been affecting him.
Basically, the time travel au that lived solely in my head has like a whole bit dedicated to Martin seeing his younger self- how he looks younger, happier, healthier, etc.
#mmmm combating my poor self image#by making a point of having weight gain he be good#weight gain as a sign of regaining his sense of self#putting in effort to take care of himself#weight loss as a sign of apathy#loosing himself in more ways than one#loosing the motivation or even the desire to care#weight loss as a bad thing#this is healthy I think#actually- I think this is a genuinely healthy way to cope with my own issues#but idk#maybe one day I’ll write the fic#oh yeah#martin blackwood#I guess#out of all my posts#I don’t want this one to get many notes#this is a personal headcanon that I hold close to my heart#and also it’s been like a month or more since k listened to season 4#and im afraid of being wrong#and my time travel au that lives solely inside my head#is incredibly self indulgent and full of author projected angst#so yeah
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Gastroparesis is honestly so annoying, like when i eat meals and stuff i get full pretty quickly which is bad enough on its own, but then after just enough time has passed where meal time is over and i'm doing other stuff (like 40min to an hour) i'll get hungry again, and this after meal hunger is usually worse than my before meal hunger, and it's like wtf i just fed you a full meal (that you probably didn't finish) why are you hungry now, stupid slow digestive track
#gastroparesis#delayed gastric emptying#stomach issues#ehlers danlos syndrome#hEDS#it's really annoying#and the getting full fast is especially bad because i'm like borderline underweight and my doctors want me to gain weight#so getting full super fast is not helping with that#i end up snacking a lot
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my partners going to be gone for a week and wants me to put on some new weight for him to play around with when he gets back…
#im really trying to make it out of that damn twink category#i want to have a cute little potbelly so fucking bad#queer feedism#ex twink#feedee encouragement#gaining fat#gaining kink#gaining weight on purpose#soft feedism#get me fatter#feedee belly#starter belly#starter tummy#beginning feedee#ftm gainer
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#I'm having a bad day/night#stuff on top of stuff on top of being sick#I'm so tired of feeling insufficient#i really don't like that fall seems to be a trauma anniversary time for me#cause I think that's what's happening#fucking unfair that the only good season would cause me immense and unbearable sadness#rude >:(#and I'm afraid of asking my doctor for antidepressants because I'm already gaining weight on my own#I don't want I grow out of all of my clothes. I like my clothes. I've made a lot of them#but I guess if it's either memory-wiping misery or make a new wardrobe I'll take the new wardrobe??#hard fuckin sell tho.#(are there factors that I could theoretically fix and that would help the sadness? yes. am too much of a coward? also yes)#endev talks to herself#god. fuck. sigh.
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