#i agonized so hard about whether to post this

[foreingersgod]

End of the Day . CC

pairing: caitlin clark x reader

synopsis: caitlin’s rookie year hasn’t been going as smoothly as she had planned and it’s starting to take a toll on her. at least she has you there for her at the end of every game

WARNING: by no means, because i’m defending caitlin, will i tolerate any sort of racism/sexism on this post or on my page in general. just because we want to support her doesn’t mean we need to say completely unnecessary and racist things about other players. if there is anything of the sort, you will be blocked! this post has nothing to do with ANYONE except caitlin so please remember to be kind and respectful! this fic is meant to be a cute hurt/comfort scenario about struggling as a rookie, please don’t make it into something it’s not :)

every game was agonizing for you to watch. whether you were sat on the couch in front of the TV or sitting somewhere up in the stands, watching caitlin take hit after hit was too much for you to watch. it broke your heart every single time, knowing that with each passing game, it was harder and harder for her to stay optimistic. your sweet and energetic girlfriend now seemed completely wiped out and drained. you heard her meek responses to the press, claiming that it was all “just how basketball was”, but you knew her better than that. you knew it was starting to take a toll on her, caitlin would never call something like this just part of the game.

you often had to close your eyes while watching these games. you hated the way they pushed her around like she was anything less of a player, how she would fall to the ground and squeeze her eyes shut in pain. it made your blood boil to see how much pain she was in. the urge to march down to the court floors and take on these women head on was constantly sitting in the back of your mind. there had been times you had to step outside of the stadium to take a breathe, trying to reassure yourself that cailtin was alright and had it under control.

and she did, she had gotten quite good at keeping a relaxed demeanor despite the physicality on the court. there were times were she would slip up though, letting her temper get the best of her, but she never took it too far and always reminded you that she could handle it. you knew deep down that caitlin only stayed so calm because of you. the last thing she wanted was to upset or worry you, make a big scene that she knew you’d evidently witness. as much as caitlin wanted to scream and argue and fight back, she couldn’t bare the thought of you watching her lose her cool. so she suffered in silence, something she had a habit of, aware of how mad it made you. you wanted nothing more than to comfort her in these times of need, but she was too stubborn to cave in.

it wasn’t until tonight, though, that she had finally reached her breaking point. this last game being the straw that broke the camels back. you hadn’t known what it was, whether it was the flagrant foul or the snide comments made off the court, but it cut caitlin deeper than the rest. unfortunately, you weren’t able to attend this particular game. work ended up being crazy busy and you had to stay longer, cutting into about 30 minutes of game time. you had warned caitlin before the game started, letting her know that you would be watching her from home and that you’d be cheering her on like always.

you don’t think you could get the image out of your head, the moment replaying in your head well after the game had ended. you had settled down on the couch with your ‘22’ t-shirt on and a loose blanket thrown over your lap, watching the game with your jaw clenched. you wanted so badly to stay hopeful tonight, trying to keep a positive mindset. but as the 3rd quarter rolled around, your hopes were quickly diminished. you watched one of the opponents come up behind caitlin, decking her in the shoulder so hard that she was thrown relentlessly to the ground. you cringed in dismay. you sat through the remnants of the game totally gutted for your girlfriend knowing that she’d be beating herself up when she walked through the doors of your home.

once the game had ended, you moseyed your way to the bedroom. after your nightly routine you crawled into bed and pulled out your book, waiting for caitlin’s arrival. you hated when she wasn’t here, the bed colder and lonelier than you’d have liked. it was hard to focus on the words littered across the novels pages as anticipation spread through your body. about 30 minutes had passed when you finally heard the obnoxious screeching of the front doors hinges. a wave of relief washed over you as you listened to familiar foot steps trail throughout the kitchen, eventually padding their way up the stairs.

then she came into view, pushing your bedroom door open quietly. she had assumed you were asleep by now and didn’t want to wake you by being too loud. your head perked up, the book long forgotten somewhere on the sheets as you took in the sight of your girlfriend. she looked burned out, a sad expression chiseled into her features. her hair was messy, cheeks flushed and pale-you assumed had been from crying. she hadn’t noticed you right away, only looking up when you called out her name.

“cait…” you breathed, unsure of what to say. she was clearly bothered, on the verge of tears. normally she’d come home and brush it off, saying that she just needed you and she’d be ok, but tonight was different. she looked inconsolable, standing there at the end of the bed.

“oh, hey baby,” she faked a smile, now dragging her feet to her side of the bed to get changed “you’re up”

“yea,” you offered a smile in return “you know i can’t sleep without you”

the small comment seemed to entice a genuine smile out of her this time, seeing how her lips turned upwards slightly as she pulled a clean tshirt over her head. she joined you in bed, sliding one leg underneath yours to feel the smallest bit of touch from you.

“hey i-uh,” you shook your head. this was a delicate matter that you didn’t know how to approach “i watched the game, cait”

“mhm,” she hummed, now pulling out her phone to mindlessly scroll through social media. possibly to distract her, but seeing the nasty comments about earlier tonight certainly wasn’t going to help.

you weren’t satisfied with her avoidance, deciding to prod further. you couldn’t watch her suffer like this any longer.

“baby,” you said softly, your tone somewhat stern to grab her attention. a gentle hand made its way to her wrist, pushing the phone from her grasp and into her lap “i think we should talk about the elephant in the room”

“i really don’t…” she muttered, her voice shaking “it’s fine, you know me”

“but caitlin, it’s not” you maneuvered around the bed, turning around and pulling your knees to your chest so you could fully face her. she laid her head back on the headboard, tilting her jaw away from you “you always say that, and i know you’re strong and can handle it. but tonight wasn’t ok and i know you know that”

you noticed the way her muscles tensed, preparing for a conversation she wished she would never have to have. you reached over to her, hand resting on her thigh as you rubbed soothingly. she squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed deeply to hold back tears. but it was no use, she was already hiccuping as sobs racked her body. you felt like your heart was being ripped from your chest. she hardly cried, and when she did, it was never like this.

“it’s whatever,” she couldn’t bring herself to look at you, beating herself up for even being upset in the first place “that’s just how it is, i’m the rookie and-”

“caitlin, stop” you begged, knowing where this was going. she was trying to brush it off once again. you disregarded her thigh, now moving even closer to her to place a hand on her cheek “that’s not just ‘how it is’, you’re allowed to be upset when you get quite literally shoved to the ground. and you’ve got too much on your plate right now, there’s a lot going on”

“i just-i don’t want…” the tears kept coming as she melted into your touch, the weight of her head leaning into your hand “i’m sorry”

“for what, baby?” you ran your thumb across her cheekbone “you have nothing to be sorry about”

“for all of this,” she exhaled, opening her eyes to actually look at you. her eyes slightly red, wet streaks running down her cheeks “for being upset like this, you shouldn’t have to sit here for this, i’m just being dramatic”

“you’re not being dramatic,” you butted in “got it? you shouldn’t have to feel sorry for being upset about something like this and i’ll have you know-i’m more than happy to be a shoulder to cry on, it’s what i’m here for. you can be respectful and reserved on the court and to the press, but you should never apologize for coming home and being vulnerable. especially with me”

a wave of silence washed over the room, caitlin’s exasperated sniffles being the only sound. she took a deep breath before continuing, gaze flickering down to her hands that were now fidgeting in her lap.

“i hate it so much,” she said, tears now only coming down harder “it was fine at first, but…but it’s just too much, i can’t”

“hey hey hey, it’s ok” you closed any distance between the two of you, wrapping your arms around her and bringing her in your chest. she instantly buried her head underneath your chin, allowing you to run your fingers through her hair and rub her back comfortingly “i know, baby it’s gonna be ok”

“i thought i could handle it, you know?” her voice was small, strained even. the collar of your shirt now damp, her lengthy fingers grabbing desperately at your sides for comfort “but it’s hard to process it all…like sure, being the rookie’s hard, but…but for some reason it’s just way more difficult than i imagined. and getting shoved around sucks, but it’s not even that. i don’t know how to explain it…im just so-so frustrated”

you listened attentively, giving your two cents when it was needed, humming in agreement as she ranted. you let her get it all out, hoping that this would help take some of the weight of her chest. her stubbornness to talk about things like this caused her a great deal of pain in the end, and you’d do anything in your power (even if it were sitting here like this all night) to ease her worries. you couldn’t describe how proud of her you were, grateful that she was trusting you enough to tell you how she truly felt.

“i think i’m just so overwhelmed with everything…with press, with all these expectations, with games…all of it has just been hammering down on me and it’s really fucked me up” she finished, taking a gasp of air after she poured her entire heart out to you.

“i get it, babe” you concurred “being new is hard and i can’t even imagine how much pressure you’ve been putting on yourself over this past year. and you know i don’t know much about the game and all that, but…but what i can say is, is that you aren’t alone. you have so many people who love you and support and are here for whenever you have days like this. neither me, your friends and teammates, your family, or even your fans expect you to walk out of the season like it was nothing. this is supposed to be hard and you’re supposed to have emotions like this. i love you more than anything and i need you to know that i’m here for you through all of this, alright?”

she sat up from being curled into your embrace for what felt like hours. her tears were now mostly dry, although her nose was still a light shade of pink from the congestion. another exasperated breath tumbled from her lips as she urgently grabbed both sides of your face, leaning into you. her lips met with yours in haste. she kissed you deeply, a small whimper emitting from her throat.

“i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without you,” she said, resting her forehead on yours, your hands cupping hers as they stayed firm to your face “you always know what to say, thank you for listening and being there for me”

you laughed, grinning as you looked into her gorgeous eyes “anytime, anywhere, no matter what. i’m so proud of you babe”

after a few more words were passed between the two of you, it was decided that you both were in dire need of some rest. caitlin was tired enough as it is, coming home and letting all of her emotions go had to have been even more exhausting. getting under the covers, caitlin moved down the bed so that she could rest her head just above your stomach, the sound of your heartbeat easing her stress.

“i love you so much” she yawned, fingers snaking underneath your shirt to run along your soft skin.

“i love you too, cait” you sighed, finally letting sleep take over your body.

[kiwi-backup]

[pining, returned affection, nsfw, penetration, cum kink?, mentions of belly bulge, boyfriend Choso]

[wc: 2k]

[Continuation of this post]

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

With anything unrelated to his brothers, Choso was mostly unbothered. Half the time, he didn’t know what he was doing or what he was supposed to be doing.

He only knew his younger brother Yuji was doing his best to acclimate him to normal human society.

He also knew that Yuji was his direct line to you.

The incredibly talented jujutsu sorcerer he introduced him to that one day. The day that altered his perception of everything.

That was the first time he had been bothered in a different way. A good way.

At least, he eventually came to realize it was good.

At first, his heart was beating so fast in his chest that it started to worry him. He wasn't sure what was happening, or why he was finding it hard to breathe just from looking at you. Just from receiving a warm smile from your lips.

Of course, Choso could feel human emotions. He typically felt only a slim few, and all had to do with his brothers. Otherwise, he was apathetic. Uncaring. He was a tool to be used, and a shield for his brothers.

But you? You made him feel everything at once in the most agonizing way. You seemed to offer him the complete human experience by uttering only a few pleasant words of greeting.

Afterward, Yuji gave Choso a similar shpiel to Fushiguro's—don't bother. She may be incredibly friendly and kind, but you'll never have her.

Choso never let those words sink into his skin. He was too stunned to even understand what was happening to him.

But after that day, his heart burned in a way it never had before. He just wanted to see you again. To hear you speak, even if he was too anxious to say anything back. He needed to be near you, and that urge became so strong, he found himself jumping at the chance to join Yuji and his friends whenever they went somewhere fun, all for the chance that you might be there.

Luckily, you typically were if you had the spare time. And god, Choso was getting more sick every time he saw you. At least, that was how it felt.

Boba shops, cafes, cinemas, carnivals, and everything in between, if you were there, so was he. If you were smiling and laughing, so was he.

Choso didn't know the first thing about love, and there was something about it that scared him.

But when your flirtations became more physical—the brush of your arm against his, linking together arm-in-arm to whisk him somewhere interesting, or when your fingers would just barely touch—Choso could feel himself crumbling.

That heart of his, once only warm for his brothers, was beginning to beat at a different rhythm. It was syncing up with yours, whether he knew it or not.

When it became too much, that was when he approached Yuji.

He did his best to hide how much his hands were trembling even while he spoke to his brother about you, and his throat felt impossibly dry.

"Hey...um, Yuji?"

Yuji hardly looked up from the movie he was fixated on. "Yeah?"

Choso swallowed back his apprehension, aware that he had no experience of his own, but his younger brother grew up with humans and their strange emotions. Surely he would understand.

"What does it mean when your heart beats strangely around someone, or if you get nervous around them?"

Yuji shrugged. "Usually that means you like them."

Choso furrowed his brows together. "Like them?"

"Mhm. You can like someone in a friendly way and be normal around them, but if you're not, then that means you like like them. You know?" Yuji explained, still watching the tv. "If you really like them, then you probably want to be near that person, or hold them or something."

Choso kind of understood what this like like was, but he didn't understand why it hurt. Why it burned and ached.

But he did know that feeling existed inside of him for you.

"I think I like y/n then."

Yuji went quiet for a moment, then he mumbled, "Are you sure?"

Choso scratched the back of his neck, feeling as warmth moved into his face. "I enjoy being around her, and as you said, I'd like to be near her more. I wouldn't mind holding her too. What should I do?"

He assumed Yuji was only considering the options, not completely breaking on the inside. He had no idea his younger brother was actively pushing back the urge to explode on him.

"...you should ask her how she feels..." Yuji began, forcing the words out. "And if you're serious, ask her out on a date."

Unaware of the nuances of these kinds of things, Choso came out with it one day when he couldn't handle it anymore. When you smiled that smile at him and reduced him to a sappy version of himself he was unfamiliar with.

"How do you feel?" He questioned, walking alongside you on an aimless stroll around campus. His heart was in his throat, and he felt like screaming from how nervous he was.

You let out a humored sound. "I feel okay, I guess? Thanks for asking, Cho."

Cho. That nickname you gave him always made his head go woozy.

So much so that he almost didn't realize you misunderstood his question.

"Er...I mean...maybe I remembered it wrong," he murmured to himself, trying to recall Yuji's advice. His skin was growing hotter as he tried to get it right in his head.

"You all right?" You asked, growing concerned as you took in his fluster.

Not walking anymore, and face to face, Choso found himself desperate for the right thing to say. He tried to wrack his brain, aware that he might not have that chance again.

Ask her out on a date.

Those words hit him, and Choso brightened with a sheepish smile.

"Would you like to go somewhere with me...on a date?"

Your smile eased the burning fear he had in his chest. "Sure, I'd love to. I'm free right now if you already have a place in mind."

Your acceptance was the first sign of hope he needed, and to his relief, the date went better than he expected. After that, multiple other one-on-one outings happened, and before long, Choso found himself uttering the words he never expected to leave his lips.

"I love you..." Choso heaved, gripping your hips as he bucked into you, watching as his cock slipped inside of you again and again. He watched how your arousal made a cute ring around him, and how you seemed to take him so well. So eagerly. "I-I love you...I love you..."

It left his mouth like a chant as he rammed into your soaked pussy, in lustful agony over how perfectly you squelched for him.

As much as you wanted to say it back, you were too far gone already. He made you cum twice already, and he was desperately chasing after another.

But he didn't mind how you couldn't say it. You were already fucked dumb by him, and he knew the way you clenched around his length said it all.

From in his lap while you gripped the couch with one hand and held yourself up with the other against his chest, skin already slick with sweat and warm to the touch, you looked ethereal to him. Head tipping back with a slack jaw, body angled so that he had a perfect view of your tits, the sight of you alone was enough to have him bordering his next orgasm.

"Fuck—" Choso groaned, gripping harder and relentlessly sending his throbbing cock back into you, hypnotized by your velvety walls. "You're perfect...fucking perfect..."

Your moans sent shivers right through him as he squeezed you tight, unable to choke back his whimpers and gasps for breath.

Choso was normally so well composed and visibly unaffected by most things, but every time he found himself inside you, he became insatiable. Whiny and stumbling over his words. You just felt so impossibly good around him, sucking him in and embracing his cock with pure love and adoration.

He knew you had him in a vulnerable position. He knew you had far too much power over him, but he didn't care.

Choso knew what it felt like to fuck you raw, and it was impossible for him to be without it.

"...C-Cho..." you barely managed to say, trying to hold on through his relentless thrusts. It was hard to believe you had been the one riding him initially. You had been the one fucking him until he couldn't take it anymore, and he needed to let that unwavering desperation out.

Fuck, you were too much. Too compliant with his movements. Too whimpery. Too fucking perfect.

"Jus' hold on, baby," Choso mumbled gruffly, using everything he had left to push you closer to the edge. "One more...please. Give me one more—"

He nearly choked at the feeling of your plush walls clenching around him, milking him for everything he had. Heaving in his frantic breaths, he dropped a thumb to trace messy circles against your clit.

"I'm s' full already..." you babbled, eyes closed as more pleasure swept through you while his thick girth stretched you so completely.

"I-I know," he stuttered, pulling you down to force his cock against your cervix, ramming again and again as he admired the slight bulge in your belly from him. "Jus' one more. Fuck, baby. I need to fill you again—need you to take it like a good girl..."

The mix of skin slapping and your broken moans filled the room, emphasized by the mess already between your bodies.

His cum was everywhere already, but god, Choso loved it. He loved how it glistened against your skin and how it sounded when he shoved his cock back into you, bringing it along for the ride.

It was a reminder of how much you affected him. How your perfect pussy could make him cum over and over again, and he'd still be aimlessly begging for another.

Watching your eyes roll back as your whole body convulsed through your next orgasm was always enough to make him crack. Watching the woman he loved reach that state of euphoria all because of him was all he needed to slam his hips into yours one last time as he struggled to breathe, gripping and clutching you for dear life.

Like the perfect woman you were, you'd take another bout of his cum. Still just as abundant and enthusiastic, he'd shoot his thick ropes inside you, only adding to the mess of sticky fluid between you.

Choso's head always lulled back whenever he came, so drunk off how incredible it all was to be edging blackout territory.

Full of his cum and too exhausted to keep yourself up, you slumped against him while you both caught your breath. Instinctually, Choso wrapped his arms around you, keeping you close so that he didn't have to miss a second without you.

"T-thank you, baby," Choso whispered, mustering just enough energy to run a lazy hand up and down your back.

He didn't know when it started, but it was an endearing thing he tended to do whenever you entertained his belligerent deviancy. Whenever he'd fuck you way past the point of overstimulation, and yet, you'd still let him fill you with another load.

In every way, you were perfect. Far too perfect for him.

But still, all the while he tried to bring himself back down again, he silently thanked his brother for introducing you two. For bringing the love of his life to him, and making it all possible.

[spockandawe]

Here's a big project I've been sitting on! All That You Love Will Be Carried Away, by our very own @ceruleancynic! And a box, naturally, building boxes for books continues to bring me immense joy.

What we have here is not just the main fic, or the main series, but also All That You Love (The High Hope Remix) alt pov short fic by byzantienne, and, a detail that I was really excited to include: the initial comment exchange between these two fantastic authors of m the first fic in the series. Did I title that second little book 'all that you meet cute will be carried away' as a silly placeholder? Did I then get super attached and refuse to change it? Uh-

Hell yeah, I refuse to be dignified about any of my favorite hobbies!

But the real secret delight here was that I've been looking for the right opportunity to get weird with boxes. Peller boxes, hinged slipcases, yes, fine, but those are like the box version of my sixfold book adventure. I'm still shooting for some parallel to my fourteenfold book, I'm looking for a way to go completely off the rails. I have some ideas, but it's hard, finding a good large chonk and a small number of equally sized texts, which made a unified and complete set, AND which excited me to work with. That might sound unnecessarily picky, but I swear, there was a good reason for it!

Oh baby. Oh baby.

This worked out so perfectly. I wanted a large book at the center of things. And I wanted two small books oriented in a different direction, placed end to end, at its edge. And I got it! I didn't want to commit too early, and it would have been heartbreaking to fail, but once the big book was together, and the preliminary typesets for the two little books were almost identical? I just HAD to try.

Tumblr is already silencing me and refusing to let me attach as many images as I want, so for this post, let's talk about the main book a little! Cute little quarto bricks are my new FAVORITE favorite thing, as I'm sure you can guess from my archives, and this one was a dream to put together.

It had to be a three-quarter leather binding, naturally. And I was sitting on some gorgeous iridescent maroon paper for endpapers (no photos in this set, it refuses to photograph well, as is the way of pretty iridescent things). I spent some time agonizing over my other material, and whether to use two different marbled patterns, but I went with it in the end. The vibes were distinct enough but the palettes overlapped enough that I really enjoyed the effect. And with the northcott art of marbling fabrics (my beloved) I was able to use lines of symmetry to get some nice fussy cuts for the big book and the little ones. All of the books have leather endbands, matching the spine. And the big book has the big thick faux raised bands I tried out with my last svsss! I don't have enough pictures to show off all the book interiors, but I used this cover plate for the series and main fics within it.

And then, like I showed you above, I put it all together. Marbled paper and silk moire for covering the box, a lot of very tense wrangling of glued-up paper in very small spaces, and, at one point, carefully lowering glue-covered pieces of moire bookcloth down these little pits (walls already covered) using that tab in the front like the world's awkwardest elevator shaft. But the EFFECT!

I'm very, very pleased with myself, and delighted to have delivered this book to its new home. I've been absolutely VIBRATING with a desire to share, so! I can't be contained by tumblr's image limit. Hold on for two seconds (approx.) and I'm going to reblog this post with some wip pictures and more detail about how I worked this thing out and assembled this box and modified my initial design on the fly

[hunxi-after-hours]

Hello! I love your ORV posting. I do have an embarrassing question; can I ask how heartbreaking the ending is? I've tried reading it a large number of times, but have had trouble getting past the chapters in the 300s; I'll reread it up til that point over and over again, but can't continue. Not because I don't enjoy it, but because I get so swept away by the emotions, and all the characters go through is agonizing. I know it's not real! But my heart aches all the same, in a way I've never experienced this with a novel before, and I feel like a child LOL (It's also extremely funny-frustrating because I realize how thematic this is to the story itself). I'm not worried about the characters Kim Dokja is fighting for, but given the patterns in the story and how it seems to be told, I'm too afraid to keep going. I know I could just look it up, but at the same time, I don't want to spoil all the mysteries; just if my heart can rest easy. TLDR, if it's not too spoilery, is there any light for kim dokja in the ending? or is it a tragedy through & through?

(If this is a dumb question, please feel free to ignore this)

oh boy anon, I've been sitting on this ask for a hot second because it's hard to answer! so I will attempt to talk around it in a way that will hopefully (?) avoid spoilers

as I see it, the nature of orv's ending (broadly writ) is additionally complicated by the fact that there are approximately four(ish) endings:

1) the ending at chapter 516

2 + 3) the ending(s) at chapter 551

4?) the side stories

the ending at chapter 516

this is probably what many people would characterize as BE, but I'd personally compare it to the ending of my love, my life, 《琅琊榜》 Nirvana in Fire, in that the ending may be "sad" (broad air quotes to vague-ify whatever "sad" entails) but it feels earned. it feels right. it feels like the logical conclusion of what the entire book was building up to. some may consider it a tragedy, but it's not a hollow, meaningless tragedy — it feels correct. this is the note that the novel officially ends on, but is then over(?)written by the existence of—

the ending(s) at chapter 551

Kim Dokja's Company looks at the ending of ch. 516 and says "aw hell no" and sets out to rewrite that ending. after 35 chapters of epilogue, we've unlocked an OE — an open ending, that concludes the moment before the HE/BE ambiguity will be resolved. schrodinger's ending, except you, the reader, get to choose what you believe — and I do think the epilogues are written beautifully to get you here (they implicate the reader in a wonderful and deeply empathetic way). and from what I've seen, the vast majority of the fandom chooses to take the offered HE option and run with it; everyone lives happily ever after together in a big house, a million domestic post-canon fics will attest. this is the closest, I'd say, that would come answering your question of whether Kim Dokja has light in his future with an emphatic, loving "yes"

(I also think it's worth mentioning that the epilogues add a lot to the story; they fill in narrative lacunae and tie up loose threads that aren't answered in the original 516 chapters, so I don't consider the epilogues as "separate" or "extra." the epilogues aren't a fix-it tacked onto the end of the narrative; they serve and enrich the narrative in a way that would actively reduce the luster of the story if lost)

the side story

a few years down the line, Sing-shong have returned to the text to tie up "a few more loose ends." the side story is currently being serialized, and more or less picks up from where chapter 551 left off. this necessarily chooses among your OE options as detailed above; whether the side story will end happily, or with "light for Kim Dokja," currently remains to be seen as it is still ongoing. I've fallen off the bandwagon and have been meaning to catch up, but from what I've read so far I think the side story is an interesting and worthwhile addition to the text. Sing-shong continue to innovate and develop upon the worldbuilding and narrative they have already created, and we have met a new cast of characters that have rapidly become as dear to us as the old (the old cast of characters are also here, don't worry). if I were a betting person, I would say that the side story is headed in a more-or-less HE direction; the side story is currently engaging with and complicating themes of (self-)identity and (self-)worth through the many lenses of Kim Dokja, and while it remains to be seen how it resolves, I am tentatively optimistic that it will, if nothing else, be satisfying

TL;DR the ending(s) of ORV can be variously construed as HE, BE, or OE, and the elements of tragedy woven into the narrative and characters are inherent to the text. however, no tragedy is meaningless in ORV, and all of the endings feel earned

[tcookies777]

Where I am now

Many of you have left such kind comments and sent me messages out of concern for my wellbeing. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also appreciate your patience as I understand it can be difficult to wait months for a chapter update on a long, tedious fic such as The Anatomy of Love. Your patience for this story is always sincerely appreciated.

I've been struggling for months to find the right words to say. To decide whether to express the ache in my heart or draw lines and stay silent. But while a part of me wishes to say little to nothing on the matter out of a sense of shame, the better part of me recognizes that conversations like the one I'm about to raise are something that needs to be discussed more. If only to raise awareness of the topic or help destigmatize it. If only to normalize issues like these. If only to just help someone else who might be going through a dark period in their life as well.

It's here that I'll give a final warning of the sensitive topics of this post. So feel free to turn away now if the topic of mental illness might be upsetting.

Trigger warning: suicide and mental illness

Ok, so here goes....

My sister committed suicide. I won't go into details of course, but it was not peaceful or quiet - it was violent, gruesome, and excruciatingly painful. So much so that the police thought it might've been a murder and harshly investigated us, making everything more difficult and traumatizing than it already was.

She had battled with depression for nearly 2 decades, deteriorating far beyond recognition. We had grown estranged over the years of my childhood because she pushed loved ones away, blaming them for the way she turned out but also still relying on them to survive. An awful cycle of codependency.

I myself have been battling with high-functioning depression for the past decade, which is one reason why I struggle to respond to people's messages. From readers, friends, and family alike. I, too, have an issue of pushing people away. Because I'm ashamed for them to see how broken my life is. Because I have seen the way people judge you for having a mental illness. I have witnessed friends, family, and even Healthcare workers gaze upon the mentally ill as if they are a sore sight.

To be honest, I understand both sides; it can also be frustrating to pool all your time, effort and resources into trying to help someone who does not want to be helped. It burns you out. That despite your efforts to fight for that person, they do not fight for themselves and you're forced to watch them deteriorate in a slow, agonizing process.

"At the beginning, you’ll do your best to shoulder all my burdens. At the beginning, you’ll be strong about it. But over time, you’ll come to regret it—you'll come to regret me, and the burden that I have become to you." — Kakashi, Chapter 30 of The Anatomy of Love

On the other side, it's hard to take that step to accept the help offered to you. It's hard to find the strength to meet your loved ones halfway and help them to help you when you hardly have the strength to even get out of bed. Yet, you also feel guilty because it feels as if you are just dragging down those around you.

These are the feelings Kakashi expresses to Sakura in Chapter 30, when he tries to explain the reasons why they cannot and should not pursue a relationship. Guilt and self-loathing are the feelings that have been eating me up inside for years, as they ate at my sister as well.

We were born from a loveless, violent marriage. So we didn't know how to love each other, though we did whether we wanted to or not. Likely it was the trauma that bonded us. But put together, my sister and I were oil and water. Loving someone who is your family but is practically a stranger to you is incredibly difficult and taxing.

Yet, I understood completely. You just don't know how to show love to someone when you were never given love.

But despite my estrangement from my sister, I still love her. Being a 1st generation American often means you have nothing but your family. When you have no house, no savings, no relatives to turn to - just your immediate family - it can be a toxic, tough love where you have only that person whether you like them or not. And in Asian culture, family is especially everything even when it's completely dysfunctional.

So why am I updating TAOL now?

It's mostly for myself. Because it's my own comfort fic that allows me to engage in therapeutic writing. It's a story of loneliness and love of all forms (romantic, sexual, familial, etc). More importantly, it's a story about finding family, finding love, and finding home. Something that I've yearned for all my life.

And it's a story of pursuing happiness even when you think you don't deserve it. It's a story that shows good coping mechanisms and bad coping mechanisms and their consequences. It's a story of picking yourself up by the bootstraps even when you just want to sit and wallow in despair. And it's also a story of embracing the love of those around you and taking their hands when they reach out to you and offer their support.

At its core, The Anatomy of Love is a story about fighting loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, and mental illness with love. With the love of friends and family. And with the love for yourself. Because while it's important to have a strong support system to love and look out for you, it is just as important to love yourself and really put in the effort to take care of yourself. And sometimes that means being ""selfish"" and prioritizing yourself over others.

Why am I saying all this?

I'll admit, I'm uncomfortable revealing the skeletons in my closet to strangers online where everyone can judge and share my secrets. I'm embarrassed to admit that TAOL's themes are projections of my own desires, and for people to know that I write about such things in fanfic because of the fact that I don't have them. But I'm just too insecure to talk to anyone 1 on 1. Not to mention that, unfortunately, it's not that simple to just go to therapy (especially when the healthcare system is broke here).

Most importantly, I hope that if there's anyone out there reading this and going through a shitty point in their lives as well... I hope you are able to take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this. We individually have our own demons to fight, but we're all fighting the same battle.

I wish I could say it gets better, but there's honestly no guarantee. So many times, I've had to stop myself from telling patients "things'll get better" because that's a promise that we're taught never to make. The truth is no one knows if things really do get better. Personally, I haven't been feeling better at all. For most of my life, people have been telling me it gets better and to just be patient, but every year it actually gets worse and worse. And just when you think things are starting to look up, it instead gets even more worse.

It's tiresome waiting years for things to get better when it seems it's nowhere in sight.

But I'm trying my best to take it day by day. I do my best to get out of bed, go to work, take a proper shower, feed myself. I do my best to love myself - mostly out of fear that what little family I have will one day disappear and I will have no one left to love me. No one but myself.

But sometimes my best does not feel enough. Sometimes I hate myself more days than others.

That's okay, I tell myself. I hate myself today, but I will love myself tomorrow. I will forgive myself eventually. I can be happy eventually. One day at a time.

Because on my better days, I realize that not every person can afford to wait for things to get better. You have to be the one to take the initiative - get off your ass and take that step forward and make things better yourself. All the people around you can offer you all the help that you need, but the most important thing is that YOU have to want to help yourself.

So that's all I am able to say for now. I do apologize if my thoughts are a bit discombobulated. I am still struggling to find my feet when it feels like I'm still drowning under pounding waves of darkness. If you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Meanwhile, I hope you guys can continue to enjoy reading The Anatomy of Love. The chapter is not entirely to my satisfaction due to the last minute revisions I made, but I wanted a sprinkle of happiness in the moment. I think that's something we all need.

Also, thank you for the messages you have sent me and the comments you left. I'm truly sorry I do not have the courage or strength to respond, but please know I am forever grateful and touched that people would reach out to a stranger like me.

Hope to see you soon,

TCOOKIES

[ambrosiagourmet]

Gimme a Kabru for the ask meme

Ahhhh hi I'm still doing this I will finish them let's go

Kabru!!

First impression

Once again gonna go for a pre-reading impression, bc honestly I really think the fandom osmosis impression I got was so off imho. So, Kabru first impression:

what if there was a hater. in the dungeon. :0

Impression now

I LOVE HIM... He's constantly agonizing over everything he does and the impact it could have and the big picture and its gonna burn him out completely someday if he doesn't slow down and realize he's allowed to live for himself sometimes. In a story chock full of survivor's guilt he is Mister Survivor's Guilt. He feels like he needs to do something to earn his existence, and that's such a heavy burden he has put on himself. Ough.

Favorite moment

There are a ton of little parts from the story that I love, but I actually want to highlight this bit from one of the Adventurer's Bible comics that lives with me:

I don't know, there's just something... something about it. Allowing Mithrun the privacy of his own story is such a strange kindness. Who else but Kabru could have thought to provide it?

Kabru, who wears Utaya across his shoulders everywhere he goes, but also never shares much about his mom, his food, the things he misses from Utaya. Or the superstitions about his eye color, and the ways that even the place he misses most wasn't always a kind home to him. Kabru, who has learned exactly how to cut up the piece of his own story in order to be able to hold the weight of them all and do the things he needs to do.

Kabru looks at Mithrun, someone who doesn't have the ability to care for himself, and provides this service to him. Offers him privacy. Privacy. The people around Mithrun have cared for him for years, but who has given him this?? Food, sleep, water, basic hygiene... but Mithrun deserves dignities beyond that too, even if he isn't able to ask for them.

And Kabru takes his eye for creating palatable stories, which he has often used to make himself fit in or force himself through unpleasant things, and uses it to help Mithrun in a way that no one else had.

Idea for a story

I don't have anything super specific here, just a GREAT DESIRE for post-canon Kabru stuff. I want to see him and Marcille become friends. I want to see him struggle to figure himself out now that his driving motive has been resolved. I want to see him forced to consider that he can't always do things for the Bigger Picture. I want to see how his relationships with his party members change. I want to see the adventures of the Laios - Marcille - Kabru trio. Pleaaaaaaase

Unpopular opinion

He's not just a hater in a dungeon.......

Like for sure his feelings about Laios are complicated and boy can they include Haterism, but also he is like the only person who vouches for Laios at certain points. Kabru intentionally chooses to have faith in him at several key moments, and the ending of the story hinges upon that faith.

I think he's got a very black and white way of looking at things sometimes, and he likes to be in control. This is where the haterism can come in.

BUT there's so much more than just that to him. Kabru is an extremely caring person in general. He notices details about people and often uses those observations to care for them - Mithrun in the example above, for instance, or the way that he thinks about how hard it would be for Rin to go back to the elves when considering whether to hand the dungeon over to them. He has a strong sense of justice. He is loyal to his promises.

I just wish those elements of his personality were given more significance in the fandom :/

Favorite relationship

Gotta go with him and Mithrun here. They bring out such interesting sides to each other. Some of my favorite moments are them surviving in the dungeon together, and of course that comic is one of my fave moments. The way Kabru understands him and continually chooses to use that understanding to provide kindness and support to Mithrun... it's good.

But also I think that Mithrun gets to a core part of Kabru that Kabru usually tries to keep hidden. Some part of the survivor's guilt, I think... the way Kabru is driven by a sense of obligation to a thing he Cannot Ever Bring Back.

They both pull something out of the other that no one else does, at least over the course of the story.

Favorite headcanon

Hmmmmm... does "he and Marcille will be besties someday" count? I think it counts. I love the idea of them being gossip-heads.

[reorientation]

do you have out of kink advice on dealing with post nut clarity with this kink when you don't have a dom to give you aftercare? in kink i feel so turned on and i cum really hard, but after i just feel really ashamed and alone, or like i'm disrespecting other trans people by being turned on by this kink or maybe worse :( it's even harder because i have no one to talk to about the kink since it's so taboo and people would probably judge me pretty hard or get triggered... sorry i know you'd probably rather answer horny questions but i thought i'd shoot my shot

Don't apologize: occasional re-emergence into reality is welcome here.

I don't have much concrete advice to give from my own experience - but I imagine many people who follow this blog will, so I encourage you all to chime in with tips. (You can also send them as anons, and I'll compile them to add on in a reblog.)

A couple points to make, though:

after i just feel ... like i'm disrespecting other trans people by being turned on by this kink

It always bears repeating: there's no such thing as a mental sin. Is this kink causing you to treat trans people less respectfully in real life, outside the consensual confines of the kink? If the answer is no, and I'm pretty sure it is, then you're fine. When you're feeling guilty, it might be worth trying an exercise of asking yourself what actions you've taken and what their effects were, to get away from agonizing over whether your thoughts are nebulously "okay".

it's even harder because i have no one to talk to about the kink

No one outside the large and active community of people with the exact same kink, you mean? I bet there's a bunch of people on here who would be happy to chat about it with you, if you asked.

Followers, sound off if you'd be open to requests to talk about this kink in a non-sexy context - subject to availability and capacity and such, of course.

[phoebe-delia]

Phoebe Delia's 2023 Fics and Reflection

Thank you to my lovely friend @geesenoises for the tag!! Check out Goose's post here.

I didn't do much writing this year. If I'm being honest, writing has been very hard for me this past year. I don't have the kind of free time that I used to, and I've just had such little inspiration. It got to the point that I actually considered quitting a couple of times. I want so, so badly to get the kind of stamina I used to have. When I started out, I was writing 3-5k fics in the span of a couple months and cranking them out pretty consistently.

This year, I didn't add a single fic to the Drarry as Taylor Swift Songs series. I did a couple fests, a gift fic, and my Hanukkah series. I also did drabbles and microfics. I spent much of the year being SO mean to myself about my writing and my lack of progress. l all but forced myself to write my fest fics, agonized over them not being "perfect," and obsessed and compared the stats to other people's fics until I wore myself out. I wondered why I seem unable to write the longfics that my friends are capable of. I wondered whether I'm really cut out for this, after all.

Now, my god, please don't give me your pity. This isn't me fishing for compliments. This is me being honest and reflecting on the year, and I don't want any of this to come across as self-pitying or whining. My point is that I don't know what the future holds for me. I know that I love this fandom, and I love all of you, and I want writing to always be something I love.

I think I'm going to spend 2024 repairing my relationship with writing, and being kinder to myself. And so, in that spirit, I'm going to celebrate the work I did last year; because I still created things this year. And I'm going to be proud of that.

That said, thanks to everyone who held me up this past year. Thanks to everyone who read my fics. Thanks to my friends who kept me sane. In particular, I gotta thank @basicallyahedgehog, without whom I doubt I’d still be writing.

Just Take Me Home (4.7k)

When Harry drinks too much at a pub one night, Hermione decides to use a new service offered by the Ministry: a team of Apparators dedicated to helping transport Wixen who cannot safely travel on their own. Of course, Draco Malfoy answers the call.

Stars by the Pocketful (2k)

Draco arrives first, to scope out the place and pick the best bed before Potter can beat him to it.

Can I Go Where You Go? (1.8k)

Harry presses a kiss to Draco's lips before pulling away with a pout. "I'm so glad you've got this opportunity, really. And America sounds amazing, even if it is just for a conference. But Godric, I'm going to miss you." Draco hums. "Me too." Then, he blinks and looks up at Harry. "You know. We don't have to miss each other." Harry frowns. "What do you mean?" "Come with me." "Wait, really?"

2023 Eight Drarry Nights fics are on AO3 here (masterlist on Tumblr is here)

[qilingxiong]

right then, i know i've already discussed this with several people in bits and pieces, but i'm going to attempt to organize my thoughts about the intersection of di feisheng and li lianhua's endings in one post.

i've already touched before on how i think li lianhua moves through the story as a restless ghost. his aim is to tie up the loose ends of the life li xiangyi exited, before his time runs out, and that's why so many interactions with characters from his old life are about either mending relationships or ensuring they've both moved on with finality. by the end of the show, there's just one person who knew li xiangyi who hasn't gotten either of those, and that's di feisheng, waiting by the sea. he's still fixated on the duel, fixated on the competition between himself and li xiangyi, whether it's as foes or friends.

di feisheng's arc throughout the show sees him as someone who goes back and breaks cycles of his past. but li xiangyi is the part he can't shake off, the part he's still obsessed with. he's still insistent on defining himself and his worth by where he stands in relation to a man li lianhua has told him is dead.

the point where we don't see him do this is when his memory is lost, and that's why di feisheng's time as a-fei is so important to the story. we see him begin to define himself as a person in a world where the name of li xiangyi means nothing to him. we watch him start to figure out who he is free of ten years of agonizing over winning/losing to this man, and all the baggage of the past carried with him. it's something di feisheng didn't get a chance at before, and as it stands, maybe it's not too late for him to continue on that path. li lianhua, at least, doesn't think it's too late.

and so this is what li lianhua has to do to attain this last bit of closure, end this last relationship: he has to force di feisheng to let him go.

this is why it stands out so much to me that the goodbye letter li lianhua signs as li xiangyi is addressed to di feisheng. li lianhua is concerned with resolving li xiangyi's troubles, and so with the goodbye to di feisheng, his work is done. the fact that we watch di feisheng accept li xiangyi's death in the epilogue with "the bright moon has already sunk into the western sea, to where does the grieving wind urge the eight directions" is an important follow-up to this last action, because it means that it worked. di feisheng is mourning, yes, but with more certainty than he was at the beginning of the show, frozen in place emotionally for a full decade. his explicit acknowledgment that li xiangyi is dead now must push him forward in some direction to search for meaning in this world, and his life, outside of li xiangyi, rather than standing still. this way, their story truly comes to a close.

all this is also why it makes sense in my opinion that whatever image of li xiangyi is standing by the sea in the end isn't really there. he might be a ghost, or imagined by di feisheng and/or fang duobing, but that's not the real, living li xiangyi. because if he hasn't died or fully, completely exited the narrative, then it means that none of this effort succeeded. "it's hard to be a dead person", li lianhua said. for him to settle everything between li xiangyi and di feisheng— the conflict this story begins and ends with— and to free these two people of each other, li xiangyi must be dead to di feisheng. in the story this show chose to tell, when it came these characters, this is how it had to end.

[missin-you-already]

Resident Evil Fic Masterlist

I've been meaning to get around to this. Gonna start posting new fics on here for the hell of it, but also gonna put drafts + the Ao3 links since that's the main place I post at.

[Rain x Alice] – Pre-Extinction (2k) – With the Desert Heat – Since the start of the end, things have not been going Alice's way. It's not that she thinks anybody else who survived has it much better. Or that there isn't a part of her that thinks she deserves it.

[J.D. & Rain + Rain x Alice] – Post-Resident Evil (2k) – Turning, Turning – Is getting a peaceful night of shuteye seriously too much to ask for?

[Bad Rain x Bad Alice] – Pre-Retribution (<1k) – I've Leave With You (Someday Soon) – Rain often finds herself thinking about the world outside the walls of Umbrella Prime.

[J.D. & Rain] – Resident Evil (>1k) – Right Between the Eyes; Over the Shoulder – All she can hear is his agonizing screams, the pleading repetition of her name as his hand slipped out of hers.

[Rain x Alice] – Retribution (3k) – Where've You Been? – It seems a lot of time has passed since that nightmarish night in the Hive, which feels like only yesterday to Rain. What the hell is going on?

[Alice & Kaplan & Rain & Matt] – Afterlife (3k) – Unexpected Reunion – After one hundred and twenty-seven days with no signs of life, Alice finally came across something of interest.

[Rain x Alice] – Post-Resident Evil (<1k) – Glad You're Here – Sleep is never something that Alice looks forward to.

[Bad Rain x Alice] – Post-The Final Chapter (>5k) – You and Her (Me?) – Rain doesn't understand Alice. She doesn't understand any of this shit.

[Rain x Alice + J.D. & Rain] – Pre-Resident Evil (>2k) – Remember Us – Rain already knew Alice's name before the whole shitshow began. Alice knew hers. Both of them were quite familiar with each other, actually. Well. More than familiar. They were close. They had something. Not that anyone would know.

[Rain x Alice] – The Final Chapter (<1k) – Before I Go – It's been nearly a decade, and Alice still finds herself thinking of Rain. Maybe in another life, fate was kinder to them. Maybe things didn't start and end here for both of them.

[Good Rain x Suburban Alice + Good Rain x Alice + Good Rain & Becky & Suburban Alice + Alice & Becky] – Retribution (>5k) – For You, Anything – Rain feared that her wife and daughter had died in the midst of all this chaos. Thankfully, that's not the case. They're perfectly fine ...In fact, it seems Alice has even had the time to change her hair and clothes, find three burly guys with weapons, and grab some guns...

[Rain x Alice] – Resident Evil (1k) – Still a Chance – There is still a chance. The Red Queen wouldn't say it. She "didn't deal in chance", after all. But that didn't mean there wasn't one. Kaplan fried her, they seem to have lost the monster that killed Alice's asshole ex-boyfriend, and now they just need to get to the train and get the antivirus in time. Whether or not the antivirus would work at this point is up to debate, but overall, chances aren't looking too bad. That's what Alice keeps saying. Rain wishes she could believe her.

[Rain x Alice] – Extinction (>1k) – At the End of the World, I'll Stick By Your Side – Alice has been on her own for years now. She felt it was a necessity. That doesn't mean she isn't a little sick of it, though. More than a little.

[Rain x Alice + Good Rain x Alice + Bad Rain x Alice] – Retribution (2k) – It's Like You Never Left Me – Alice is no stranger to danger. At this point, she comes close to dying on an almost daily basis. Some brushes are closer than others; occasionally, it's less of a "close brush" because she does die. She's used to it, though. That's not the hard part anymore. "Just when I think there's no more shit left to hit the fan... you always find your way back here." It's coming back. "It's not so bad. I get to see you again."

[Bad Rain x Alice + Good Rain x Alice] – Post-Retribution (<500) – Content in the Downpour – It feels like a dream. Pure bliss up in the clouds. Being in Rain's arms. Having Rain in her arms. She can almost ignore how they hate each other.

In Progress...

[Rain x Alice] – Retribution (4k+) – Day In and Day Out – It was long ago that Rain lost hope. Spending day in and day out being forced to work for the same scumbags that started the whole mess with the virus, having to constantly look at the faces of people you've lost in the form of clones, having zero control over your body but a clear view of what you're doing... It's hell.

[Gen + Rain x Alice + Past J.D. & Rain + Past Spence x Alice] – Resident Evil, Apocalypse, post-Apocalypse (48k+) – Burning Up – Something wasn't right. If Rain had finally turned, if she was dead, then why was she still aware? Why could she see herself trying to dig her teeth into Matt's neck, desperate to tear open the flesh?

Pending drafts...

This is partially for me to get poked about finishing shit, and partially for me to actually keep track of my fic ideas because my past attempts haven't worked :^)

[Claire x Alice] – Afterlife – When those crows pop out of the plane and scare Alice before Feral!Claire jumps her, instead of that happening, Alice finds Claire mutated into an avian monstrosity that tries to attack her.

[Jill x Rain] – Retribution – Bad Rain is just OG Rain controlled by a Scarab like Jill. They both break free of the Red Queen's control and escape Umbrella Prime together (in a gay way).

[Gen] – Apocalypse – Matt and Rain and Kaplan mutate into mysterious monsters that stalk Alice in RC.

[Claire x Alice x Rain] – Extinction – Rain already joined the convoy and started dating Claire before Alice shows up. She's still into Alice, though, and Claire quickly catches on, which eventually leads to her also catching feelings for Alice.

[Rain x Alice] – Resident Evil – Time travel bullshit. So like, at the end of Apocalypse where Alice straight up dies? She wakes back up during the first film when that tank explodes, knocking her and Matt to the floor. She remembers the destruction of RC, remembers everybody dying or turning and has a chance to try and change how things end.

[Rain x Alice] – Extinction – Rain's DNA ends up being what creates the Super Undead. When Alice goes down to find Isaacs, she finds Rain imprisoned in a glass cage in a semi-zombified state.

[Bad Rain x Alice] – Retribution (kinda) – Alice gets captured by Umbrella. Rain is in charge of transporting her and they end up bonding during the long journey, resulting in Rain refusing to hand Alice over like she's meant to.

[Party Dress Rain x Alice] – Retribution – "Party Dress Rain" is the third Rain clone that didn't end up in the final cut. When she runs up on Alice and Ada, she's not a zombie, she's still alive... but infected.

[Good Rain x Alice + Good Rain & Becky] – Post-Retribution – Alice's attempt to save Becky and Rain takes a little too long. They end up separated from the strike team and miss the choppers, leaving them to get out of Kamchatka on their own.

[Rain(?) & Alice & Becky] – Retribution – Y'know that room full of racks of clones? When the Uber Licker shows up again, one of the Rain clones unknowingly gets knocked down. Without any of the memory imprints or programming Umbrella would typically give a clone, the Rain just kinda starts following them around and Alice... doesn't know what to do.

[Alice & Rain & Kaplan & Matt] – Resident Evil – EXTRA bad ending where the case with the virus/antivirus falls through the doors with the burning licker, and none of them make it to the doors before they seal.

[Rain x Alice] – AU – They're all motorcycle street racers and Alice is the mysterious, talented new chick who starts getting Rain all worked up and extra competitive. That's it.

[Kaplan & Rain] – Resident Evil – Kaplan encounters zombified Rain.

[theobscurepotato]

Dear Yuletide Writer 2024

Dear Yuletide Writer:

First off, thank you! I hope you are as excited about your assignment as I am to receive it. Hopefully the lateness of my Yuletide letter didn’t panic you too much! I enjoy a wide variety of fic, and these are truly some of my favorite canons, so really you can’t go wrong...but if you are looking for a spark of inspiration, I hope this letter provides it.  

General Likes/Dislikes: 

Things I love in a Yuletide fic: M/M, UST, hurt/comfort, banter, happy endings. When I look at the canons I chose, one consistent theme is that they all end on a note of hope, yet the characters I chose within these canons don't always get to experience that. I think, more than anything, what I would love to see is a chance for these characters to catch a glimmer of it for themselves (or for each other, in the canons where I've selected a pairing). 

Things I generally don’t like in a Yuletide fic: AU’s set outside of the canon setting (coffee shop, etc), MPREG, graphic gore, body horror, unhappy endings. That being said, if you have a wild idea that goes against these, these are definitely more loose guidelines than DNW’s. 

___

Coldfire Trilogy

Damien Vryce/Gerald Tarrant Not sure if there will ever be a Yuletide where I don't request CFT fic. I do write frequently for this fandom, but just because I write in a certain style, please don’t restrict yourself to my “usual” topics. For this canon especially, I’m excited to read what you want to write.  I’m starting my millionth re-read of the trilogy, so I am excited to read anything set either during canon, or a post-canon fix-it. Give me all the banter. Give me all the UST. Give me Gerald Tarrant doing something kind (while doing mental gymnastics to justify it to himself as FOR SELFISH REASONS ONLY). Give me Damien forgetting to agonize over what GT is and just enjoying a moment with him (bonus points for him Prophet!fanboying). Give me physical contact of some sort between them, give me the soul bond! I ship these two hard, but I am happy to read pre-slash/gen.

Dimension20: Escape from the Bloodkeep

Leiland (Kraz-Thun) I watched Escape from the Bloodkeep 2 months ago(?) and once I was done, I immediately restarted it and watched the series again. Bloodkeep has some of my favorite Dropout cast characters, but of course it was Matt Mercer’s Leiland who stole the show for me. Someone on Reddit summed up Leiland as “All that dark power and regal lineage turned into a benny hill skit” and in response I can only say, that’s exactly why I’m here. I am happy with both pre and post-canon fic, gen or shippy (and not picky on ship). I’d really love to see Leiland navigate how to be Leiland, and not Kraz-Thun, and getting more comfortable in the “evil” found family he has created. Galfast Hamhead, while not requested, is of course 1000% welcome in any story.  Yoroiden Samurai Troopers (Ronin Warriors)

Shuten/Rajura

This was my first real fandom, well over two decades ago now, and Shuten/Rajura was my first ship. I definitely carried a binder plastered outside with the Masho chibi from Amanda Swiftgold’s page and stuffed to the brim with too much printed fic from Mink’s Yaoi Cake archive. This was a rare ship even then, and I am absolutely fine with gen, and fics that include all the Masho. I would of course love a fix-it fic, but I am open to exploring missing canon scenes also. I would enjoy a fic either from Rajura or Shuten’s perspective that grapples with their encounter out on the tracks, and that sprinkles in some of their shared complex history. Feel free to bend canon details in terms of what the armor enables. 

Uprooted

Solya/Marek These two have taken up residence in my brain and will not leave me alone. They truly enable each other in a way that is absolutely toxic, but I would love a fic that lets them attempt to do better by each other. I would prefer that Marek lives in your fic, whether that means exploring pre-canon events, or a missing scene during their story, and I would definitely enjoy a fix-it (just think of the hurt/comfort possibilities!) where they get to figure out their version of a happy ending. How do they navigate a world where they both wield less power? Would they be able to make their peace enough with that to carve out something new? Or would they chafe against that lack of power, and it would be that struggle that entwines them further?

[asapostapocalypseif]

ROs MBTI types?

Oh yeah, I've been waiting for these types of asks 😈

[Sorry i haven't posted much these past days lol. Check out the masterpost for a tiny RO description if you're new! Enough yapping from me, let's go]

RO'S MBTI TYPES

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• Ranger

ISTJ - A / ISFJ-A

Ranger is a classic 'knight in shining armor'.

Logistician/Defender seems about right for them, as they're unshakebly loyal and warm (when you earn it, of course) and tend to pride themselves on their reliability. Ranger finds their purpose in other people -- which is a shame, since they're been in the woods 'all alone' for so long lmao. Maybe you can become their new purpose 👀👀

They take whatever they perceive as being their 'responsibility' very seriously -- whether it's a promise long forgotten or an obligation they put upon themselves.

They might be a little too overprotective, or come off a bit too strong at times though.

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• Wanderer

ISFP-A /ISTP-A

Wanderer is a total toss up between Adventurer and Virtuoso.

They really like remaining a 'mysterious' and 'unknown' figure, going so far as to wear a face mask so you can barely tell what they look like. Wanderer has no set home, preferring to stay nomadic and change their scenery every so often.

They're incredibly charming, concerningly so, and will swindle you out of your secrets and life story before you even know their name. Wanderer is good with their hands and tools, taking scrap they come across during their journey's and turning them into more useful items.

Not that physically strong, they've managed to craft out a living through trading and staying on the move.

Wanderer might come across as dismissive sometimes. You never really know what's going on in that head.

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• Bite

INTJ

I'm ngl I struggled so hard finding a MBTI type for this dude 😭😭 eventually i settled on INTJ since it's the most red flag since it has a few key aspects of them.

Bite tends to the more obsessive spectrum of things, bringing a single-minded drive to anything they deem interesting enough (whether that be a person wink or an object)

They have little patience for anyone who tries to slow them down by enforcing pointless rules or offering poorly thought-out criticism – anyone who stands in the way of their 'interests' is point blank wrong.

They aren’t afraid to break the rules or risk disapproval – in fact, they often rather enjoy it. Bite makes it their #1 priority to evoke a strong reaction out of anyone, since they've been alone for so long.

They have an independent streak and often act alone when doing things. They still care, though -- if they do something to hurt you, trust they'll be agonizing over it for hours later.

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•Shade

INFJ-A

I can't describe too much since its spoilers

This matched Shade perfectly since they've got a personal mission to complete, no matter how impossible it might seem. They're extremely quiet and reserved, yearning for company but far too shy to actively seek it out.

They tend to get lost in their own head a lot, anxious more often than not. Even one or two friends would be enough for Shade to feel fulfilled and happy.

They seem to be seeking out a purpose as well, floating along in the sandy dunes aimlessly. Maybe you can help them with that

[llondonfog]

Hello, I would like to make a request if possible. I'm translating through a translator, so I'm sorry if something is not too clear. I hope that the request meets your criteria and does not cross the line. You can change it as you feel more comfortable or completely ignore it. So the essence of the request is that Silver dies in childhood because of Mellius. Perhaps he will find out about the origin of the child or just an accident. But Silver is dead and Lilia is going crazy. Mellius himself is plunged into a sense of guilt. And in their grief, they decide to bring him back to life. Whether it's an attempt to revive it or replace it. It doesn't really matter. Just distraught from the loss, they begin to live in the illusion that Silver is alive. But Silver himself is just an empty shell acting on orders and possibly imitating the behavior of the original. Most of all, I am interested in the reaction of the other characters to this. Sorry, it's a little hard for me to put the whole idea together. I would like to see how they live after the tragedy in complete denial and reassurance that everything is fine, continuing to live as before. But perhaps it breaks down when they try to destroy this illusion. As I wrote earlier, you have every right to ignore my request or change it as you wish. The main thing is that the essence of the idea remains. I also wanted to ask if it is possible to make multiple requests? Of course, taking into account not to spam and not to burden you. Anyway, I'm glad I was able to get this idea out of my head. Thanks for attention.

drabble fic posted here! <3

first, thank you so much for taking the time to share this incredible request, i absolutely LOVED writing it and i hope the spirit of what you wished to see was conveyed!! <3 please don't hesitate to ever jump into my inbox with ideas or twst thoughts that you'd like to share! it may take me some time to get to it, and i'll make it known if it just isn't something i can't get to at this time :)

as far as the direction i went with for your request, i was fully OBSESSED thinking about the mundane, agonizing horror of silver dying by a simple and natural accident— a slip on the wet rocks of the creek in front of their cottage home, losing his grip on a mountainside during a bout of rock-climbing, etc. something so blameless that it would RUIN lilia because it was such an ordinary accident that he couldn't prevent.

i really wanted mal to be the one to bring silver back to life out of a desperate bid to heal lilia's near overblot levels of grief, but also out of this childish way (because he's still a child himself!!) to save lilia's wish to so desperately know if he could love a human— plus of course, mal is obviously fond of silver at this point too and is similarly grief-stricken and absolutely NOT thinking clearly when he tries to resurrect the child.

something that i wanted to be key is that whatever mal brought back, it is NOT silver. silver is permanently dead, and whatever spirit is inhabiting his body is one that mal sees as a complete abomination. lilia, too deep in his grief, latches onto the child regardless even if he has moments of clarity when he can't look at the new 'silver' or be around him for some time. so both mal and lilia know the truth, but nine year old sebek has been pretty much kept in the dark so far with only a few play dates to start seeing a weird behavioral difference in silver and the others.

(but the illusion can't last— this silver can never grow past the age in which the body died, and the spell has to be reapplied after so many weeks or else the corpse starts, well . . . becoming a rotting corpse again. also i'm kind of insane over the idea that the spirit inside silver is malicious and has bewitched lilia into trying to kill himself to reunite with his dead son so that it can take his magic and now mal has to figure out how to undo the awful that he did BUT I MIGHT BE GOING TOO FAR DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE NOW LOL)

[annabolinas]

Anne of the Thousand Days Review: Part 1

Alright, so I got around to writing this review, and boy do I have some hot takes! Fair warning, though; this is so long I'll need to post this in two parts.

“For six years, this year, and this, and this, and this, I did not love him. And then I did. Then I was his. I can count the days I was his in hundreds … In all one thousand days. Just a thousand. strange. And of those thousand, one when we were both in love, only one, when our loves met and overlapped and were both mine and his. And when I no longer hated him, he began to hate me.”

Where do I even begin with this review? I disliked this movie when I first watched it, and after a rewatch, I still dislike it. Anne of the Thousand Days is a tedious slog of a movie which somehow both has a fundamentally weird premise and forgets its own premise at times, especially in its marketing. The poster for this movie claimed that it showed “the most passionate and shocking love story in history!” As we’ll see, though, it’s hard to claim this depiction of Henry and Anne have a grand love affair when they only mutually love each other, at least in Anne’s telling, for one day.

Anne of the Thousand Days started as a Broadway play in 1948, written by American playwright Maxwell Anderson. With Rex Harrison as Henry VIII and Joyce Redman as Anne Boleyn, the play was a critical and commercial success, running for nearly 300 shows. However, as it dealt with themes of adultery, illegitimacy, and incest, Anne of the Thousand Days ran afoul of the Hays Code, so it took over two decades to be adapted into a movie. Most of the blank verse of the play was removed, many scenes were expanded into two, three, or four, and Anne was given a monologue about Elizabeth’s future greatness to shout at Henry in the Tower. Richard Burton was cast as Henry, and the virtually unknown French-Canadian actress Genevieve Bujold was cast as Anne. Burton’s wife Elizabeth Taylor feared the two were having an affair, so she managed to obtain a cameo to keep an eye on them. Taylor had actually lobbied for the role of Anne, but at 37, she was deemed too old for Anne, who (following the scholarship of the time) aged from 18 to 29 over the course of the film. One can only wonder…

The movie follows the basic outlines of history, with a heavy emphasis on “outlines”. The opening scene is of Henry agonizing whether to sign Anne’s death warrant, as we soon transition into a palace ball where Henry falls for the vivacious and charming Anne as his sober, pious wife Catherine of Aragon despairingly looks on. He orders his chief minister, Cardinal Wolsey, to break up Anne’s relationship with the “Northern clodhopper” Harry Percy, much to her fury. She vigorously resists Henry’s advances, her resolve only strengthened by her pregnant sister Mary, who gave in to Henry and now carries his child. Mary prophetically warns, “The moment you’re conquered, he’ll walk away.” Despite Anne’s utter refusal to return his feelings, Henry continues to “love” (yes, the quotes are necessary) Anne, and eventually proposes divorcing Catherine and making Anne queen. She accepts, but unfortunately, political circumstances abroad combine to make it clear that the Pope will not grant Henry a divorce. Having fired Wolsey for his failure to get the divorce, and encouraged by his new chief minister Thomas Cromwell (and to a lesser extent, Anne) to break with Rome to get his way, Henry does so. After a tense confrontation, Anne finally tells Henry that she loves him, and they sleep together; she soon becomes pregnant and they’re married in a shotgun, bigamous wedding. 

Anne is reviled at the coronation, but despite Henry’s hopes and Anne’s promises, she gives birth to a daughter, Elizabeth. Henry is furious and his eye begins to wander towards Anne’s lady-in-waiting Jane Seymour. Anne is furious and demands that Henry make everyone swear an oath recognizing their daughter as his legitimate heir on pain of death, leading to the execution of Sir Thomas More. Anne promptly miscarries a boy and Henry, believing his marriage accursed, orders Cromwell to find a way out. Cromwell soon trumps up charges of adultery with five men, incest with her brother George, and treason, which lead to Anne’s arrest. At her trial, though, Henry suddenly (and ahistorically) bursts in and manages to get the only one of the five who confessed to admit he lied under torture. Henry is still unsure of whether Anne is guilty, and he confronts her in the Tower. Anne utterly refuses to agree to an annulment, even if it means her death, and lies to Henry to hurt his manhood, declaring that she cheated on him with countless men, finding them far better lovers. For good measure, she then proclaims, “Elizabeth shall be a greater queen than any king of yours. She shall rule a greater England than you could ever have built! Yes - my Elizabeth shall be queen. And my blood will have been well-spent.” Henry promptly signs her death warrant and Anne is beheaded by a French swordsman, the movie ending with a shot of the toddler Elizabeth walking towards her destiny.

Incredibly, I did like some stuff about this movie. The costumes, designed by Margaret Furse, are exquisite and mostly accurate; if nothing else, this movie deserved its Best Costume Design Oscar. Even the fact that Genevieve Bujold’s French hoods nearly always lack a proper veil doesn’t matter, in my opinion, since she manages to pull it off. The coronation procession was absolutely stunning, and the recreation of the Tower of London is incredible; they really minimized the distance between Tower Green and St Peter ad Vincula, though. Despite not using surviving Tudor pieces, the score, composed by Georges Delerue, manages to evoke the period really well. 

Concerning the performances, I loved Anthony Quayle’s depiction of Cardinal Wolsey, as he goes from a self-assured, powerful man to a broken, fallen minister. His final scene is heartbreaking, and Quayle humanizes him throughout; even when he breaks up Anne and Harry Percy, he doesn’t seem thoughtlessly cruel. John Colicos’ portrayal of Cromwell as “a man without scruple” is a delightfully villainous characterization, a schemer who owns up to his villainy and revels in manipulation. 

A review of Anne of the Thousand Days, of course, would be incomplete without a discussion of Genevieve Bujold’s Anne Boleyn. While not one of my top three favorite Anne Boleyn portrayals (for the record, Natalie Dormer, Dorothy Tutin, and Claire Foy), Bujold does a good job with Anne. She compellingly portrays Anne’s growth (and increasing ruthlessness) from a lovestruck teenager to a fiercely protective mother, as you can see her grow and harden over the course of the movie. She also captures Anne’s boldness and vivacity of spirit well, although sometimes to the point of straining credulity. Would the real Anne have maintained Henry’s love if she told him at the start of their relationship, “You’re spoiled and vengeful and bloody. Your poetry is sour and your music worse. You make love as you eat - with a great deal of noise and no subtlety”? It seems very unlikely. Anne’s frank declaration to Harry Percy that she’s not been a virgin for a long time additionally seems very incongruous with the historical Anne. Bujold’s acting, too, sometimes feels not just theatrical, but overly artificial and overdone, particularly when she has to express anger. Still, the fact that it is hard to imagine this Anne captivating Henry for seven years is not Bujold’s fault - she performs well the script as written - but that of the writers.

Unfortunately, this is the part of the review where I must tackle the things I disliked about this film. Equally unfortunately, there are quite a lot of them. The elephant in the room is Richard Burton’s depiction of Henry. In both history and popular depictions, Henry was and is the center of his court, someone who shifted from passionately loving Anne to furiously ordering her death on false charges; in any depiction of Anne, he is the other main character. Put bluntly, Richard Burton gives perhaps one of the creepiest portrayals of Henry VIII I’ve ever seen. While not worse than Ray Winstone’s portrayal of Henry as a marital rapist, Burton portrays Henry as a serial sexual harasser and predator. He combines the real Henry’s unshakeable belief in his own self-righteousness with a seedy lustfulness which will stop at nothing, not even claiming he’s only sexually potent with the woman in question, to get into a woman’s bed. There is little trace in this portrayal of Henry’s intellectual or cultural pursuits, and even the times when he exhibits bonhomie feel forced and fake. Furthermore, at only 5’8, Richard Burton is half a foot shorter than the real Henry, meaning he lacks the physical towering presence of the real man; he thus doesn’t physically stand out from his courtiers. In fact, Anthony Quayle as Wolsey is two inches taller than Burton; a screen Henry ought to tower above his courtiers, not vice versa!

Anne of the Thousand Days also completely misunderstands the history of the period, changing it in ways that not only make no sense plot-wise, but which indicate the writers genuinely did not understand the period. Some inaccuracies stem from changing historiography - despite being named after Anne Boleyn, the movie portrays a less politically active Anne than more recent depictions like The Tudors and Wolf Hall. However, this lack of emphasis was the result of the historiography of the time tending to minimize Anne as a political figure; only in 1986 with Eric Ives’ seminal biography of Anne would attitudes change. The inaccuracies I object to are ones which betray a lack of understanding of the basic nature of the history. I’ve already mentioned one of these inaccuracies (Anne admitting to Harry Percy that she’s not a virgin), but there’s several others. For example, Henry is seriously conflicted about breaking with Rome, stating that it would mean “everlasting damnation” and result in his soul being cast into Hell. However, this fundamentally misunderstands the real Henry’s character. When he decided on a course of action, it was not only incredibly hard to dissuade Henry from it, but he often became increasingly convinced of his own self-righteousness. As a pious early modern king, Henry would not have broken with Rome had he harbored as many doubts about its morality as he does in Anne of the Thousand Days. 

Moreover, the Act of Succession in the movie is passed only after Anne agrees to bring Jane Seymour back to court from a (fictional) exile in Northumberland. Henry himself states that “One daughter is much like another. I care not who’s named bastard when I’m dead.” As this Anne points out, this version of Henry is declining to enshrine their daughter’s legitimacy in law so he can sleep with another woman. Unsurprisingly, this did not happen in real life; the real Henry, no matter how much he wanted a son, would not have shot himself in the foot by doing this! To not pass the Act of Succession wouldn’t just harm Elizabeth, but any children, including a son, he had by Anne; Elizabeth, after all, was only heir in lieu of any sons. These are serious departures which go beyond artistic license and veer into a real lack of historical comprehension.

The biggest (and most absurd) inaccuracy, though, comes in Anne’s trial and resulting confrontation with Henry in the Tower. First, Anne is allowed to cross-examine Smeaton, who is brought in, along with her brother George, during the course of the trial. But this greatly downplays just how rigged the real Anne’s trial was, as in real life, no witnesses were called. Even if they had, it is incredibly unlikely Norfolk, who hated his niece in history, would have let her cross-examine them. But then, any semblance of accuracy, realism, or even sense is sacrificed wholly on the altar of drama as Henry himself enters and gets Smeaton to confess that he’s innocent. If this had happened, there would be no reason for Henry to execute him, like Burton’s version promises he’ll do. Moreover, as Smeaton was the only person (both in history and the film) who confessed, retracting his confession would mean there were no witnesses, which would have torpedoed the government’s case against Anne and the men. But Henry does this and then proceeds to mutter, “And yet… it could be true,” which is only explicable in the film if he genuinely thinks Anne is guilty of adultery. The problem is that Anne has never flirted with any of the men on screen; she’s never talked to the ones aside from her brother at all! This means that the accusations of adultery come out of left field, a failure of writing which leaves the viewer wondering where on earth that came from.

PART 2 HERE:

[wyntereyez]

Here we go, Part One of my scream into the void. Here I'm going to talk about my mother

Some of you may remember my posts about how two birthdays went by without her saying anything, and how when she did finally bother to text a month after that second birthday, there was no acknowledgement of my birthday or her silence, and how I agonized over whether I should respond (and eventually chose not to.)

I don't regret this.

My mom left our family when I was thirteen. Before then, I was a 'mama's girl,' though damned if I know why. Probably because she was the parent I saw more, I guess.

I want to say those first thirteen years weren't awful. But there are things I remember that stick with me that weren't good.

She wasn't much of a cook. So I grew up on frozen, processed food, and shockingly, my health reflected that. And, oh, did she make me feel like shit about my weight. She constantly bemoaned how hard it was to buy things for me because my waist was so big and I was so short (this was, btw, before a growth spurt). She refused to buy jeans for me because she couldn't find any that fit my proportions. It was fucking YEARS before I finally bought my first pair of jeans as an adult because I knew I was too fat for them. So all through school, I wore stretch pants, and was constantly made fun of for them.

Then there's my hair. She didn't care to do anything with my hair. She convinced me I wanted it long, then never maintained it, just put it in a ponytail, which did me no favors. My hair was seldom cut because it stopped growing past a certain length, and was always limp and stringy and oily. There was one time - ONE - where she did something with my hair - she got me a perm when I was eleven. It was an awful experience, and taking care of it was miserable and I hated those picks needed to constantly smooth out the perpetual tangles. It made me hate doing anything with my hair.

It should not have taken over twenty years for me to realize I had curly hair that was actually really nice and easy to care for when anyone bothered.

My mom taught me that I was fat and ugly and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then she left us. She got a job where she worked third shift, and slept pretty much all day and ignored us. The only time we really saw her was when she was getting ready for work. She'd spend hours doing her make-up - for a factory job - blasting Bonnie Raitt's 'Something to Talk About' on perpetual repeat. To this day I absolutely HATE that song. HATE IT.

She'd met a guy on third shift, got caught cheating, and just left us.

They had just bought a house and a second vehicle together because they had two steady incomes. Now she wanted to leave us struggling.

My Dad gave her this option: He'd leave, she could have the house, the car, and us. She'd have everything, along with child support, and he'd get a couch at his brother's house.

She didn't want us.

So she left, taking only the family car, leaving us with a tiny Chevy S-10 pickup for a family of four. She didn't want shared custody. She didn't want to pay child support. She wanted nothing to do with us.

She then proceeded to make life Hell for us. While she did, with great reluctance, occasionally let us visit, it was rare. She also did everything she could to make sure we didn't have a support network. My Dad's side of the family is terrible - I will talk about them much later - and they wouldn't help. My Mom's side of the family cared for us, but my Mom did everything in her power to make sure we couldn't go to them for help. She knew her parents liked my Dad far more than her new guy, so she was going to make sure they wouldn't have any kind of relationship with my Dad.

She also wanted us to be spies. She had this idea that my Dad would be her safety net if the new guy didn't work out, so she made damn sure my Dad couldn't meet anyone or have any kind of life. And she wanted us to be her spies; she would quiz us about what Dad was up to, and persuade us to tell her everything, then she would proceed to leave nasty phone calls or messages on his bathroom mirror, because she'd kept a key to the house.

Meanwhile, she continued to be the world's worst mother. She had my two half-siblings, and we had to watch them get all the attention we never got, because unlike us, they were her children. She'd occasionally buy clothing, usually used stuff she found at yard sales that didn't fit (she seemed to think I was her size, despite me being taller and skinnier than her). Once she bought me a maternity outfit because she knew that would be the only thing that would fit me.

She also basically destroyed my past. Remember my despair that I couldn't find any medical records? She took a lot of things, including pretty much every baby picture of me, and left them in her parents' garage, which was exposed to the elements and eventually flooded and collapsed. She casually destroyed it and just doesn't care.

So, it's been years of barely tolerating my mother, occasionally trying to have some kind of relationship with her and wondering why I bother.

Now, she did once, not long after they divorced, ask if I wanted to live with her. Just me, not my siblings. I refused. I didn't want to live with a strange man and be second fiddle to my half siblings. And it would have gone very, very badly. I would have been living with a heavy smoker with ultra-conservative views whose fire-and-brimstone mother was the kind of person to get involved in everything. I would have received no health care, never been able to go anywhere, would have had to transfer to a school with the worst reputation in the area, probably would have had to help care for my half siblings, would not have new clothes, would not have gone to college, and would probably have the worst flea infestation because she doesn't really clean, either.

And the last time I saw her? She got into this anti-vaxx rant that was somehow also horrifically racist, and all I could think was, "Yeah, I'm never going to see you again."

She's just...UGH.

[harumscarumcos]

SFW ALPHABET + Kaine Parker

I sat on this cause I have a side blog I made specifically for Kaine but I’m too lazy to post to it + I can post wherever I want who’s gon check me?

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

• He is not the most outwardly affectionate person. It’s hard for him, all he’s been through, all he’s done, to really show the kind of affection that comes so normally to others. Sometimes, it makes him come off as a callous guy, and honestly that’s fine to him. Doesn’t want the world to see him as soft or weak.

• But when he does show it, it’s little things—words of support that may sound rougher than necessary (he’s trying to become gentler with them, but it’s tough), looking out for them in different situations to make sure they’re safe and protected, will sometimes just silently sit nearby when they’re doing an activity, just for the company.

• If this is someone he is really close with, platonic or romantic, it’s careful, soft touches. It’s brushing a strand of hair back that fell out of place for them. It’s letting them lean against him when they get too tired to keep themselves up. It’s offering to carry them when walking gets too tiring for their own legs, when their muscles are fatigued.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

• As much as he may to deny it, Kaine has a bleeding heart, and it has definitely led him into some unlikely friendships. I tend to think back to the elderly blind person he ended up staying for a time, that offered him a roof over his head and company to talk to. So I think he’d find a friend maybe in someone he may have met while on the lam, who gives him an ear willing to listen to some of his woes. Possibly someone who offered him a hot, home cooked meal, something he hasn’t had in a long time (if ever, really), who sits him down at their table to settle and eat, will even make him a to-go plate, offer him to come back anytime for food and conversation.

• Thus, it becomes routine for him to spend some quiet moments with this person, starts to divulge more about himself, learn more about them, forming a bond he had not expected. It’s nice, a comfort to have such a friendship. Becomes so talkative in this friendship, so trusting. Truly ankles himself to open up.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

• He does! He just doesn’t know how! He’s never been properly cuddled in his life, it’s AGONIZING.

• But say he’s on the couch or in bed with his person, laying back while they’re propped up on his chest before they settle their head down to use him like a pillow; he’s got his arms wrapped around their middle, chin resting gently atop their head at first, but soon enough the lower half of his face is buried in their hair, inhaling their scent. Just feels so much safety in this act.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

• Kaine has some notions of wanting to settle down with someone, but he wouldn’t even know what that truly looks like for him. His life has been such a whirlwind, whether because of his own actions or the actions of others that have complicated things for him to build a future, it’s kinda hard for him to imagine domesticity for himself.

• But he for sure will have the thought, from time to time, having a home of his own, something like what he knows from his memories (well, Peter’s, really) of what it was like with Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Imagining that house in Forest Hills, Queens, all the memories on the walls, the warmth in those halls. If he had a house like that, he wouldn’t even know what to fill it with. He knows he would always have a room for Aracely, though, would always make space for her.

• And maybe there is a romantic partner in the picture. Someone he can come home to, when he walks in the door can already smell the scent of something delicious filling the house. Maybe he calls out for them and they callback, letting them know they’re in the kitchen. He’ll come in, wrap his arms around their waist as he notches his head where their neck meets their shoulder, landing a kiss on their cheek. And they’d ask each other how their days were. Maybe a few complaints here and there, but mostly just…happy to be in each others presence now. Makes the whole day better. He wants that so bad.

• God, he’s shit at cooking. His partner is definitely shooing him out the kitchen cause ‘you set the fire alarm off every time you cook in my kitchen’. He makes up for what he lacks in cooking skills for cleaning, will for sure get on the ceiling to get those cobwebs in the high corners.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

• Kaine is…not good with a break up, to put it lightly. Part of that is because of his first truly committed relationship, with Louise Kennedy, where she used him and betrayed him, and the actions he took after this were certainly regrettable. Even if we talk Muse, another woman who used him in such a similar fashion and betrayed him all the same, and how that ended. It was different with Annabelle. Things were better, so much better. Until they weren’t. Until Kraven. Until Shathra. Until the Other. Until she saw him for all he was, or all he thinks himself to be, and she ran.

• So when it comes to the person Kaine is now, how he would go about a breakup? I think he’d just…go. In an attempt to avoid the mistakes he’s made in the past, the monstrous acts he committed against the others he was with before, and even to kind of avoid any further heartbreak. Just ghost, not a word. It’s better that way, right?

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

• Commitment is, admittedly, confusing to Kaine. Like, yeah, when he falls for someone, he falls hard. He is ready to give his everything to them, for them, whatever the case may be. But marriage has never really been something at the top of his mind cause, again, he doesn’t think the life he has lived allow for that.

• Of course, if the conversation is brought up by his partner, he’s gonna talk about it and tell his true feelings: that he loves them, immensely, he’s just not sure about marriage itself cause like 1) “superhero” life seems like it would make it tough, that it would complicate things 2) he’s seen how it went for his own brother (albeit, he definitely put some pressure on that marriage with his own actions that began to mar Peter’s life) and 3) he is still a wanted man and he doesn’t wanna put that on his beloved with a civil union.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

• He is one of the least gentle people in the world, physically and emotionally. But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t trying. He is working on himself to be more gentle, sometimes he’s gotta catch himself with the things he says or does, but I promise you, he is trying.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

• He likes hugs, he just can get a little awkward with them when someone gives him one, especially if it’s a little unexpected. It takes him time to get used to just one specific person hugging him. Definitely took him a minute with Aracely, cause she would just spring them on him (and still does), but now he passively accepts the hugs, sometimes returns it.

• When it comes to how he hugs? Again, he’s awkward with it, will probably like pat whoever on the head in that kinda “there, there” manner, tries to very carefully encircle them with his arms (he’s so damn big), but as he gets more comfortable with hugging them, he’s like a goddamn teddy bear.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

• Controversial, but I think he’s always on the verge of saying it with someone that he has found himself infatuated with, but bites his tongue every time before he can. He’s too nervous that his love will be spurned. Or worse—they’ll say it back and won’t mean it. He’s already been through that, where someone said it only as a means to use him, to control him. So he tries to distance himself from the word.

• If someone else says it to him first, though, WHEW! He’s gonna crumble. He’s going to melt. He was convinced from the day he came out the clone tank that he was unlovable just an experiment, a creature. And was further convinced through the years he’s a monster that no one can possibly love. So if someone says it and means it with their whole heart and shows him that love? He’s breaking down, baby.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

• Oh, Kaine gets big time jealous. Gonna refer to when he went to the rodeo with Annabelle and got super pissy when her ex was flirting with her (IIRC he shoved him out the way at some point and planted a big smooch on her). He will definitely start to hover around his partner, if not outright keeping an arm around them to keep them near/against him, and will glare at the person who is the source of these feelings of jealousy, like he’s actively plotting their downfall.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

• His kisses are very intense, all encompassing. Will have both hands pressed against the sides of his partner’s face to hold them there while his lips slot against theirs, may move one to cradle the back of their head as he deepens it. Just really gets into it, might end up getting some teeth and tongue in that kiss.

• He likes kissing the crook of his partner's neck or jawline, maybe the very top of their head.

• He likes getting cheek and forehead kisses. Something about it makes him feel so soft. He’s also a bit of a sucker for if they kiss him on the tip of his nose or along the shell of his ears, really likes it.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

• He gets a little nervous around kids. Teenagers are one thing, like Aracely is a handful as is (a personality that was hard for him to get used to), and Charlie (Spider-Kid) is a little shit, but he can definitely manage because he gets them, he understands where they’re coming from, why they are the way they are, and can definitely relate. If he had a chance to have a childhood, grow into teenhood, be a ‘real boy’, he believes his personality would mirror theirs in some ways.

• But kids? He does not really understand kids and worries when he’s around anyone under the age of 12. He’s worried he might end up being too harsh with them, might scare them off.

• The thing is kids kinda gravitate towards him, and this is very apparent with baby Mayday and Gerry, as they will crawl all over this man, will hang off him like a jungle gym, will coo and babble at him, and after a time, it becomes pretty amusing to him. And, soon enough, Uncle Candy Cane starts getting unexpectedly saddled with babysitting duties.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

• Depends on how the night before was for him, as I believe he deals with a touch of insomnia (which I will go more into in the next section), so he can be a little cranky in the morning, only giving slight mumbles and grumbles as he gets himself together for the day.

• Even after he’s done his bathroom routine—brushing his teeth, taking a shower, getting in a quick shave, doing some hair care if he still has his long, flowing locks—he’ll still probably be a bit of a grump until he gets some breakfast in him, a cup of coffee, something.

• There are times where he wants to just sleep in til noon, and if he’s been cuddled up in bed with his partner and they’re about to slip out to get there own day started, he’s definitely dragging them back in with him. Will mumble something about ‘just a few more minutes’ into their hair which, of course, turns into way more than a few more minutes. He just wants to revel in this.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

• He has a rough time of actually getting to sleep. Sometimes, he’ll just go swinging through the city for a while, looking for someone in need of help (there’s always someone), trying to tire himself out. Maybe he’ll hit up a bar to get a beer or two, which leads into a bar fight and a blackout because he got the same tolerance Peter had to alcohol—slim to none.

• If he has a partner, sometimes he’ll try to get them to stay up as long as he is up, but definitely feels bad when he can see them struggling to stay awake. Other times, he may cuddle up with them until they drift off, and will just watch them as they sleep, enjoying just observing them.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

• It definitely takes a while for him to open up, because he’s been burned in the past and doesn’t really want to reveal too much in the fear of it happening again. He also doesn’t want to risk driving them away with the things he may talk about concerning himself. He knows what he is, knows that a lot of what he’s done is unforgivable, and doesn’t want to unload all of that onto them, doesn’t want them to see him the way that he sees himself. But once he has found his comfort with that person, once he really feels he can trust them, he does start to slowly reveal more and more about himself.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

• Oh, too easy to anger. He has an admittedly short fuse that can go from annoyance to full on rage if someone hits the wrong nerve. And it’s not too easy to calm him down, so tread carefully.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

• He remembers everything. Every small detail, every little moment. Really makes sure to pay attention to the things that make his partner smile, makes them laugh. Remembers every soft moment between himself and them. But he also remembers the bad moments, the ones that he wants to burn from his memory entirely. Those become so etched into his mind, like a black mark. But he carries it with him. It’s his burden.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

• (insert self-indulgent fic here)

• Actually, I WILL be a little self-indulgent, albeit brief: it was the first time that he had any kind of significant interaction with them, a kickback at the Parker household. He knew of them, brief mentions of them, had caught a glance once or twice when he went to the pub they worked at the couple of times he’d accepted Peter’s invites to grab a bite, ‘catch up’, as it were. He knew they were a friend of MJ’s, something about meeting them at an audition? On set? He wasn’t too sure. Didn’t particularly matter, at the time.

• He found himself getting a bit overwhelmed, had been trying to avoid too many questions about ‘why he never really came around’, ‘how come he’d missed out on the Parker-Watson wedding’, ‘why they’ve heard so little of Peter’s jock of a brother’, and so one and so forth. He was sure a couple of them knew the truth of it (definitely Johnny who threw out that last one), but was finding it tough to navigate the questions.

• So, when they came over to interrupt, requesting his specific help because they ‘needed someone big’ to help carry a couple trays of leftovers down to the deep freeze for May, he nearly jumped at the task, a grunt and a quick nod as he trailed behind them. Though, as soon as the two of them entered the kitchen, he was quick to note the lack of food trays in need of transport.

• They instead handed him a cup, holding one identical in their other as they propped themselves back against the counter. “Sorry, you just kind of looked like you were drowning out there,” they would go on to clarify their deception, giving a brief laugh. “Couldn’t keep watching that. I say we’ve got a good five minutes before they expect you back. Maybe ten.”

• He had to admit, he was definitely relieved for the save. Even mumbled a quiet ‘thank you’ to them as he clutched the cup, leaning slightly against the counter adjacent. They’re finally able to give a proper introduction—Nanette, but they just go by Nan since it’s easier—explaining that they’ve seen him the couple of times he’s come into the bar with Peter and MJ. Clocked him as just as much of a lightweight as Peter; has watched him nurse one beer over an entire evening.

• “You might wanna sip slow from that cup,” they advise him, giving a small tap on their own. “Sangria. Made it myself. MJ says I make it ‘too strong’, so tread carefully.”

• They stay making a bit of small talk, nothing too in-depth. Talking about the party at hand, cracking a joke here and there. It’s nice. It’s only when someone calls through the back door for one of them that they find themselves ending their little chat, Nan heading back out, raising their cup in a mock toast. Says they hope to see him again sometime. He hoped so, too. Maybe he’d show his face act the bar without Peter sometime.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

• Oh, he’s super protective. Like ‘would commit crimes for you’ protective. Just looking at his past relationships, platonic and romantic, he definitely is super protective of those he loves and will do whatever necessary to ensure their safety.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

• He for sure would put a bit of effort towards these things, it’s just he doesn’t know what that looks like. He’s never really been in a relationship long enough to figure out what all that entails. His attempts may be a little lacking, at first, like it will mostly be watching TV on the sofa, maybe grab some takeout from the Chinese food store down at the corner or that New Mexican spot that opened on 10th, but as time goes along it will definitely develop further to “I saw this necklace that made me think of you, no big deal”, or “yeah, uh, I remember you talked about this exhibit, thought it would be nice to check it out together, maybe”, like he’s so awkward about it.

• He’s not really as used to doing housework as others might, so may lack on some things but will for sure try to make sure the laundry is done, that any trash goes down for trash day, will bring in the stray package the mailman left down at the leasing office.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

• He has been told multiple times to take his shoes off at the door, and multiple times he has tracked dirt into the space on the bottom of his shoes. He won’t even wipe his feet on the mat like he’s supposed to (half of that is for sure cause he’s coming through the fire escape window, but that’s another problem to tackle another day).

• Also, his communication skills are kind of terrible, he really needs to work more on having open lines of communication with the people in his life.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

• He acts like he doesn’t care, but this man has every hair shampoo, conditioner, hair mask, oil, pomade, all to make sure his hair stays immaculate when he’s growing it out.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

• Without a doubt. Wishes he was back on that beach with the waves licking at his feet, but will settle for this margarita he’s sipping on in this little Mexican spot you two would go to every other week and think about all the conversations you two had, the future promises you made. Would feel like there’s a hole in his heart (again…) And that’s on codependency issues, babes!

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

• On top of having unofficially adopted Aracely, I also like to think that since the Spider-Geddon event, Ashley Barton and Charlie Parker will occasionally hang around his apartment (Ashley wants to get to know her ‘not-so-great’ Uncle Kaine since she doesn’t really know him in her own world, and might drag Charlie with her cause she’ll be damned if her ‘Gramps’ is living alone on the streets of his own universe with no guidance; and suddenly Kaine is fulfilling the actual big brother role to at least one variation of Peter when it comes to Charlie, whether he’s setting the best example or not is the question). Now he’s got all these teens around his place, his snacks are gone, and has absolutely no peace of mind, but it’s okay, they teach him how to use the internet in exchange for unwilling mentorship.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

• He cannot abide by liars, even though he’s a huge liar himself, so kinda hypocritical. But if it’s big things, if it’s truly like ‘you told me you were this, but you’re actually this’ kind of things in regards to who they are as a person, it definitely will remind him of every partner who has presented a false self to him in the past, and he just can’t do that again. The trust will not be the same.

• The thing is, he does hate this about himself, too. He hates the way that he has martyred himself in the past based on a lie, he hates the situations that he has gotten others into based on lies he told them. And, unfortunately, he’s not really taking the steps necessary to not be that person who lies to those around him. Or at least he’s not trying as hard as he could.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

• When it comes down to him actually falling asleep, he kinda takes up the entire bed (he’s MASSIVE) and will move around quite a bit in his sleep, a very restless sleeper. With his partner, he may end up hugging them to him like they’re a stuffed animal, and good luck to them prying themselves from his arms if they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

• Otherwise, this man has insomnia and hasn’t had a proper sleep since he was out the clone pod. He’ll say he doesn’t need it, that he’s good off getting maybe an hour or two, but it’s more like he doesn’t want to deal with what is subconscious will conjure up in his dreams when he finally lays down to rest, doesn’t want to see the faces of those he has wronged, those whose lives he has cut short in his pettiness and his times of instability. The man is haunted by guilt in both the waking world and the land of dreams