#i added more water than the recipe called for bcs

[nohkalikai]

made the most godawful baked rice yesterday but. it's 3 servings. so i must grit my teeth and eat it for one last time.

[jelliezellie]

I got you ! (Maybe another platonic/romantic request bc i realised im a sucker for those)

Cadet!Reader who brought their own tea from their home and who decided to share with Levi ? Maybe tea that their family cultivated ?

Pure fluff bc im also a sucker for this

💞💖

A/N: Oh my god, my lovely Levi requester hello!! <3 Thank you so much for another amazing request :)

Idk why I struggled to write this, I literally love the idea I just couldn’t write it at first lmfao

Hopefully this lives up to your standards though &lt;3

Homemade Tea - Levi Ackerman x Reader

Your family ran a tea shop in Trost. The day it was destroyed, you thought all hope for your family’s business was, too, but you were hard workers. Even for something as delicate and seemingly purposeless as tea, your family worked to recreate every recipe down to the last measurement. 

When you graduated from the Training Corps, your parents surprised you with several bags of your own tea so you could “take a little bit of home” with you. Little did you know, you needed home more than anything.

You woke up with a sigh, climbing out of bed treacherously. Your thighs ached and your arms were strained—putting a shirt on had never been a difficult task, but the Scouts seem to have the ability to make everything difficult. You hissed in pain as you pulled the rest of your clothes on, walking down to the mess hall. It was still a bit dark out, so you decided to take some tea with you. At least Connie and Sasha and Jean wouldn’t beg you for a taste. 

A kettle was already over the fire and Captain Levi sat at a table by himself, glaring at you when you appeared. 

“Why are you up so early, cadet?” He questioned. He wasn’t even in uniform yet—God. It wasn’t anything magnificent; at least, it usually wouldn’t be. But somehow, the captain could wear a sweater and read a book and you were head over heels. Your stomach twisted as you took another step towards the kettle.

You stood up a little straighter upon seeing him. “I was just going to make some tea.”

His brows tented. “You’re not using mine. Erwin paid for that.”

“I have my own.”

Levi’s brow rose and he placed a black, leather bookmark in his book. “How do you have your own?” His tired eyes stared at you, then at the bag you showed him,

“It’s my family’s.”

Levi stood as the kettle whistled softly and took it off of the fire. He opened a cabinet and took a cup out, then searched for something else. He sighed in defeat, looking back at you. “What kind of tea is that?”

“It’s my family’s recipe; it’s original.”

He frowned and his brows rose in disappointment. “Does it have a name?”

You thought for a moment, a smile tugging at your lips.“Home.”

He sighed and found an infuser, then handed it to you. “Put some in.”

You tilted your head. “Did you run out of tea?” You grinned sleepily as your brow rose smugly.

“Just do it, brat.” 

The sun shone through the trees softly, providing a golden glow to the mess hall. You placed the infuser in the kettle, then turned to Levi. The sun made his baggy, silver eyes shine a little brighter. As you admired his eyes, he found himself trying not to look at you. It was rare for a cadet to get up this early, but that wasn’t what made him antsy. No—what made him question your presence was your tranquility.

Normally, when the cadets came down to the mess hall for breakfast, he’d sigh and go back to his room because of their ruckus. But you looked at him with matching tired eyes and a bag of herbs for your tea in your hands. 

Unusual, he thought, but once he smelled the tea, his heart melted a bit. The cinnamon made his mouth water and the lavender added to the comfortable silence you shared.

He cleared his throat. “It smells good. You called it home, right?”

“Yes, but it doesn’t really have a name.”

“Does it smell like home right now?”

Your entire demeanor softened. “A little.”

His eyes flickered at you before he stared out the window. You took the kettle off of the fire as he placed two cups out in front of you. You poured an even amount in both before placing the kettle on the counter. 

Levi delicately lifted his cup by the rims with his slender fingers, bringing it to his lips. You picked up your cup, too, and drank from it, relishing the taste of your family’s tea. It was warm and it felt like pure comfort and joy seeped into your tastebuds and warmed your body. When you placed your cup down, you noticed the captain staring at you, as if he was studying you. 

He looked away and cleared his throat. “The tea—it’s good.”

You nodded. “Thank you; my family—”

“Can you make more for me tomorrow?”

You tilted your head as a soft smile tugged at your lips. “You like it that much?”

He struggled to maintain eye contact as he nodded. “I like it,” he replied stiffly. “It tastes good. It tastes like,” he paused, his brows tented as he searched for a word he couldn’t place. “It tastes like home.”

You nodded. “Good. That’s what it is to me.”

Levi sat at his table, sliding his book out of the way as he stared at you expectantly. “Sit,” he mumbled, not as an order, but as an invitation.

You sat across from him, your thighs hurting as you lowered yourself onto a chair. “What are we doing for training today?”

His brows furrowed. “Are you sore from training yesterday? All we did was ODM training.”

You sighed. “Yeah. Connie and Jean sort of tempted me into racing them through the forest.”

He nodded and his brows rose. “So that’s where you went after training.” He wanted to speak to you but couldn’t find you anywhere in the barracks. When he noticed that Connie and Jean were gone, too, he knew you were probably fine. “Hange was worried about you.”

You mean you were worried about me? You thought to yourself. Hange was experimenting on their titans all night. 

“Oh, really?” You responded. “Huh. I wonder why.” You stood, wincing in pain. “I guess I should go check in with them…”

He grabbed your hand quickly. “No!” He exclaimed, his eyes wide. He blinked and his face softened again. “No. I meant to say that I was.” He paused, staring up at you. “I was worried about you.” 

You smirked. “Why?”

 “Don’t worry about that right now. It’s too early for any of that,” he mumbled softly. “Just drink your tea.” 

You two continued to drink tea until the rest of the scouts filled up the mess hall. Every day after that, though, you filled up his teacup with your family’s tea.

[dear-ao3]

Is the problem with the Pierogi dough that it's too wet? I remember my fam telling me to always add less liquid than the recipe calls for at first bc you can always add liquid later, and this is the easiest part to fuck up

(If this is not your problem and this is unhelpful, just ignore it, just dropping it in case my family's wisdom can helo you XD)

no okay so i know exactly why its fucked up im just annoyed about it

first time my water was too warm and it scrambled my egg yolk

second time i added all the liquid too quickly

third time i didnt add enough flour and its Incredibly sticky

so i just have to go get more flour

and make it again

ive made this dough so many times

its not even pierogi dough its technically ushka dough but it works better

i just need to accept my faults and do it again :/ and im being dramatic about it

[literaryartisan]

Today’s a rough day for a lot of us, I’d love to know:

-a recent fun fact

-a recipe you’d like to share

-a solid song

-if u know ur my buddy? bc u are

<3 you're my buddy too!!! How about a recipe? I took this from the back of a box of pasta years ago and now it's my go-to for work potlucks or if I just want to meal prep a week's worth of easy lunches. It's very versatile and has a lot of veggies! Alter it to your liking Rainbow Rotini Antipasti Salad

That's what Golden Grain calls it and I call it something like "that tricolor rotini veggie pasta thing", completely forgetting that "antipasti" is a word.

The Ingredients (I almost pasted a picture of my hero Racheal Kundananji in here oops):

12 ounces Golden Grain® Tri-Color Rotini (that's the whole box)

2-1/2 cups small broccoli florets (you can omit if you don't like broccoli. I like broccoli)

1 cup cubed mozzarella cheese (like half of a 16oz block of mozzarella. also I only just now realized pepper jack would probably work really well?? I might try that next time)

3/4 cup sliced pepperoni, halved (I like to use turkey pepperoni. You can also just omit this if you don't want meat in it!)

1/2 cup red or green bell pepper strips (whichever color is on sale is a good one to get. I also like to try to make this at the same time as something else that uses bell peppers like fajitas because 1/2 a cup isn't much unless you got a tiny pepper. alternatively: just put the whole pepper in there) (oh, also I like to make them more like squares than strips? it's easier to dish up and eat because bite size rectangles match the size of everything else better than long strips)

1/3 cup red onion, thinly sliced (see above re: making another dish that uses this ingredient. I can only find GINORMOUS red onions, so the rest went into my fajitas)

3/4 cup bottled Italian dressing (I use Wishbone Zesty Robusto Italian Dressing I think because I forgot it doesn't say "zesty" in the recipe?? there's enough in the bottle for like 2 of these salads with some extra and it keeps well. use whatever italian dressing you want, or experiment with other dressings if you don't like italian)

Bonus ingredients not in the recipe!! 1 can sliced black olives (I love olives and you know only half a can actually made it in)

1-2 cucumbers, peeled and cubed (number depends on size of cucumber. I don't usually do this if it's just for myself, the cucumber doesn't keep as long)

honestly you could probably throw shredded carrots or other croncier veggies in here. maybe some green onions. jicama??? I haven't tried any of those but you can do what you want forever.

The Directions from the Golden Grain website:

1 - Cook pasta according to package directions, adding broccoli to the boiling water for the last minute of cooking time. Drain, rinse well with cold water; drain again.

2 - In a large bowl, combine all ingredients, tossing together to distribute dressing.

3 - Serve immediately, or cover and refrigerate until ready to serve.

Cook's Tip: If you're refrigerating the salad until serving, be sure to toss it gently just prior to serving, adding a few splashes of dressing if needed.

My tips!! Fill the pot with water, put it on the stove, and then start chopping veggies while you wait for the water to boil. You'll want to set the broccoli aside to blanche it in the pasta water (this step is worth taking) but otherwise just throw everything into your large bowl.

Don't feel rushed if the pasta is almost ready, you still need to drain it and rinse it and let it cool down!! Adding it to the bowl warm will melt the cheese and maybe even partially cook the other veggie depending how hot the pasta is (ask me how i know!!!) Just make it wait its turn until you have everything else ready. It all comes together in half an hour or less, depending how fast your chopping skills are (mine are slow) and how quickly your pasta water comes to boil.

This makes A LOT. If you're making it just for you be prepared to be eating it almost every day for about a week.

[vengefulcooking]

Made a sweet n sour curry variation— it was meant to be a pineapple chicken, but I had a few missing ingredients (namely uh the chicken) and so I played around with it a bit.

No chicken to coat and cook, so instead I threw in boiled potatoes and sweet potato. I'm really becoming the boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew potion concocter, eh! But I'm moving next week, so this was less of a 'let's go get ingredients!' thing, and more of a chance to use up what's in the fridge so I have to carry and move less stuff.

So we made the sauce as is:

Base:

Sauté chopped onions: heat them in oil on low heat until they're a bit soft

Add spices to it: garlic powder, whatever else your heart fancies in small doses: I used some cinnamon powder and some cayenne. Your salts and peppers.

The sweet n sour bit of the sauce:

Pineapple juice (loads), brown (or w/e) sugar, vinegar, soy sauce (all in equal quantities) and some flour (about half of the sugar, etc.). Technically, the recipe called for cornflour, but if you give it a good five minutes to cook properly, flour is okay.

I also used some of the sweet potato boiling water because it's also kinda sweet and I didn't have as much pineapple. Chicken broth would also do, but like I said. No chicken in my fridge rn.

Keep whisking as you add each bit in so you get an actual sauce without lumps of flour/sugar or stuff settling in layers.

Pro tip: if the flour is the last thing you add, you can taste the proportions as you add stuff. Too sweet? Add more soy. Too much vinegar? More of everything, sorry, you're fucked

Cooking:

Into the base of sautéd onions, add the boiled (and cut, because I'm not a heathen) vegetables: for me it was potatoes and sweet potatoes, but I also had some frozen veg so that went in. Bell peppers n stuff is lovely with this. My pot's (potatoes; this did not look like I thought it would in my head) were soft enough from boiling so honestly I sort of ended up just coating them.

Then add in the sauce, keep stirring, add more broth of choice if you like. If you've got too much pineapple sweetness, then actually do add non-sweet broth. How much is really you vibing it and sizing up your onions: the minute you've got too much water and not enough onion, you will taste the water; the unfortunate truth of cooking is that water is cool, but water is not food. If you want more quantity of food, you uh, need more quantity of food (this was for me, I am bad at proportions).

If you'd like a thicker, more jam-like texture, then firstly the stickiness of pineapple juice from a pineapple helps with that (I got one of those pre-cut ones from the grocer's, they tend to release juice over time). Secondly, go for less liquid, but also remember to account for the fact that some will evaporate because you're cooking.

Sorry if you're smarter than this; if you check the premises of this blog (pinned post) this is basically cooking for dummies. For idiots. For vengeful, low-skilled bastards that want to make something so good, it makes everyone in their life who has doubted their cooking re-think their whole life so far. Such idiots are often so focused on the revenge part of this dish that we forget little details. Like. Water boils when you heat it and then there's less water.

I ended up also adding a finishing sweet and sour (possibly Thai; I can't remember bc it is 2 am) sauce I was enticed to buy at the grocer's even though it was 10 days before I move house. How we all fall. So anyway, I must use the sauce, and in lieu of just coating cooked chicken/shrimp/other meat or veg, I just kinda threw it into the sauce.

Again, this is all optional because it's cupboard-emptying stuff, but I threw in some flax seeds on top, and honestly, when serving, I have also enjoyed it with a dollop of mayonnaise and a small cut of a cheddar cheese slice, but I don't really think using mayo in everyday cooking is a great idea? But also, I had soft-boiled eggs, which also did a fantastic and really fancy-looking job of drizzling into the stew at the very end ('plating', if I may be so bold (<- sucks at plating)). That's vengeful cooking, baby!

And of course, me being me, I finished it with rice. My whole existence is stews for rices. I bought a 3 kg pack of rice because it was 1) long grain (my mum nods in approval) and on discount. But. 10 DAYS BEFORE I MOVE. So yeah, rice bonanza. I am having so much rice. Living a real regal life out here.

And that's the dish! Revenge may be best served cold but please for the love of god have this while it's still hot and mmm so yummy.

Pics tomorrow maybe (though it'll be of a reheat) because it was mmm so yummy that I never took a picture.

(Quick rice tip: water : rice 2:1, + maybe a quarter glass of water extra to keep it from burning if anything fucks up, 18 mins on the timer, start at high heat, when you hear the boiling, turn it down to medium (that's like a 5 on a numbered stove, think 6 o'clock) and then just taste and monitor when you've got around 4 mins left. People say rice is hard, please, rice loves you and it's very easy give it a chance.)

Update:

With some sesame sprinkled because why not. Extra flavour. Lovely eh?

[whatsaudreythinkingabout]

i have a soup recipe that works well for me! it’s not very hard to make, everything’s puréed so texture shouldn’t be much of a problem, & it’s also got a fuckton of garlic in it for all my garlic girls if you’re worried about taste.

it started out as a recipe i found online for pastina soup, but i realized i liked the base of the soup on its own bc the pasta would get soggy if you kept it for too long. i’ll link the OG recipe at the end but anyways:

ingredients:

6 cups broth of your choice (ideally bone broth if you can afford it; it’s a little pricey but it’s worth it for all the nutrients you’re getting, there’s a few brands but kettle & fire has the most protein & least sodium. if not, chicken or vegetable broth can also work) (you can also adjust this depending on how thick or thin you want your soup to be)

1 whole onion (OG recipe calls for brown or yellow but you can use p much any variety)

2 large carrots

2 celery stalks

several cloves of garlic (OG recipe says 4 cloves but if there’s one thing i know it’s always add way more garlic than the recipe calls for, i sometimes use a whole bulb)

salt & pepper to taste (i use garlic salt; lawry’s is my go-to brand)

1/2 cup water (i like to use leftover pasta water for extra starch)

optional (from OG recipe):

pastina (this is only if you want to; i personally like just the broth bc the pasta gets mushy after a while if you keep it too long)

1 bay leaf (i personally like to add it but you do you)

1 parmesan rind (adds some extra umami to the broth)

my modifications (also optional):

1 leek (bc why not)

1 head roasted garlic (in addition to the other garlic; the more you chop garlic the more intense the flavor gets so the two different types of garlic give it a more complex flavor)

garnish with:

olive oil

grated parmesan

parsley

more salt & pepper

instructions:

if adding roasted garlic, prep this first; cook at 400°F for 30-40 mins so it’ll be ready by the time the soup is done simmering (how-to linked at end). save the chopped-off tips of the garlic (& any loose cloves) for the soup

rough chop your vegetables (carrots, onions, celery, not-roasted garlic, optional leek; this basically means chopped into big enough pieces that they can still be fished out later)

pour broth into soup pot on stove; add vegetables, salt, pepper, optional bay leaf/parm rind & simmer for 20 mins covered on medium-high heat.

kill the heat & transfer vegetables to blender w colander or slotted spoon; fish out optional bay leaf/parm rind & discard if used, add water & optional roasted garlic & blend until fully puréed. if you’re having trouble getting it completely smooth, start blending slower & gradually increase the speed.

pour blended veg back into broth, return heat, stir until fully combined & continue to season as needed. add pastina here if desired; bring soup to boil until al dente.

serve in bowls while hot, garnish as desired

enjoy! i also recommend serving with some good bread, sourdough or focaccia especially

the final product should look smth like this!

store any leftovers in the fridge; they should keep for about a week.

works cited:

original pastina recipe: https://cookingwithayeh.com/italian-pastina-soup/

how to roast garlic: https://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/roasted_garlic/

in addition, you also don’t have to eat it as soup! you can add it to sauces as an extra secret ingredient (smth i did with my mac & cheese when i had leftovers), or if it’s thick enough (adjusted so there’s more purée than broth) you can use it as a sauce on its own!

edit: EXTRA NOTE BC THIS IS IMPORTANT. if you have leftovers that you wanna reheat, HEAT IT ON THE STOVETOP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT MICROWAVE IT. i say this bc 1. i brought some to my friend when she was sick & she said it made her (very small) apartment smell like shit for 2 days straight (even tho it smelled good in the fridge), and 2. when i did it (bc i was in a hurry to pack lunch before work) it gave it kind of a weird aftertaste.

i mean this in the gentlest way possible: you need to eat vegetables. you need to become comfortable with doing so. i do not care if you are a picky eater because of autism (hi, i used to be this person!), you need to find at least some vegetables you can eat. find a different way to prepare them. chances are you would like a vegetable you hate if you prepared it in a stew or roasted it with seasoning or included it as an ingredient in a recipe. just. please start eating better. potatoes and corn are not sufficient vegetables for a healthy diet.

[happi-meals]

Pancake Breakfast! 🥞

Pancakes are part of a traditional southern breakfast and I was craving them today.

Theyre sweet and nostalgic, reminding me of grandma's house the most and some breakfasts spent at Cracker Barrel with her when I was little.

One part of learning to cook is the magic that is finding out how my favorite foods dont take magic to make! As in, most of what pertains a meal or even an entré is so simple its suprising to me.

Pancakes, to be a bit reductive here, are just fried batter patties! The most simple consisting of what I made this morning (or rather afternoon lol): flour, oil, water, sugar, and leavening agents.

Here I experimented with my own batter making skills with a vegan twist:

all purpose wheat flour

water

olive oil

salt

brown sugar

honey.

I dont have baking powder but since I understand its purpose in a recipe as a leavening agent, I tried to substitute it with baking soda and apple cider vinegar, which kindaaaa worked? Lol I was gonna use lemon for the acid part, but I didnt want a bright citrus taste for these pancakes. Too experimental and not familiar lol.

With a little reassurance from a skim of internet recipies, what I made turned out not bad! And I was soooo excited when I saw the batter frying and then flipped the cake. Looked just like the Real Thing mama's make!

I wanted to get a lil experimental and add some trail mix inside. I added them a lil too late for my first pancake (sprinkled some ontop of the raw side of the cake i had frying in the pan yikes), so the texture was a bit grainy. Plus the nuts and fruit burned and the cake on that side didnt look as appetizing lol. But since that was my experimental cake, and was also my first try, I gave myself some grace and focused on the overall experience of eating the entire pancake. And all my efforts proved worth it! It wasnt half bad. :-)

I just cant imagine eating pancakes without having two, and I also had wayyy too much leftover batter for just one anyway, so I made another and added the trail mix into the batter bowl before pouring it all in, which proved to be a better choice lol. Since I didnt want to waste all the batter I made, and only intended to make one more pancake, i added it all to the pan for a huge one lol.

It turned out very good, though I do admit I might have to actually buy baking powder for more fluffiness (though the baking soda and acid/cider trick kinda worked! i'll just have to get my proportions down). Also I always over estimate how much oil i need in any given recipie! So it was a bit dense and greasy. But as with all learning experiences, mistakes are inevitable yet valuable!

The rest of my breakfast consisted of a fried egg, baby carrots, a banana, and steamed spinach. Brwakfast wouldnt have sufficed without vegetable elements for me, so I was literally craving vegetable sides rather than just a breakfast of wheat and animal products.

The carrots had a great texture and sweetness, and althought I definitely could have salted the spinachand a egg wayyyy less, the flavors together were supurb. One day I'll have to experiment with making omlets with spinach and vegan cheez bc the flavors are so compatible! 😋

LeEgg frying in LePan. I broke it up a little oops lol.

I found this recipe online of how to improve my vegan pancake making skills for another hearty breakfast. This one also calls for baking powder but i think my baking soda and acid workaround could still work.

I'll def update this post when I try this particular recipe!

[captainsupernoodle]

can't find my recipe book so writing this down here as i noodle thru it

i have sausages and i want creamy pasta recipe

step one: pull out everything in the fridge. still want creamy pasta with sausage. find two halves of two different onions and dice them on the onion cutting board. get the dryer started while the pan is heating up. brown those diced onions. smells good. dice like half a head of garlic or 4-5 cloves in the garlic dicer. put it in the pan and let it cook a little. smells amazing. switch to drawfee bc music isn't working. throw a cup of chicken broth in there from the better than bullion chicken bullion and let it simmer.

step two: start writing the recipe down and then go get a snack because you ate half a sandwich for lunch and it's eight oclock

step three: SMELLS GOOD. start the pasta water boiling. almost put the pot lid in the onions. start toast.

interlude: eating toast. working off the memory of a delicious creamy garlic chicken i made once. it had sun-dried tomatoes in it. i don't have sun-dried tomatoes. nevertheless we persevere. also a bon appetite recipe for creamy mushroom pasta. reminds me to add pasta water to the sauce to make it thick.

step four: add ground black pepper, lots. thyme? sounds good?? let spices simmer in sauce i guess? also the last of the lemon juice, probably around a quarter cup, also from bon appetite recipe. smells like pepper now! uh-oh!

second interlude: look up how to add cheese and heavy cream without splitting the sauce

step five: give up on youtube videos and just hope for the best! the chicken broth has simmered down so add two ladlefulls of pasta sauce and then pour in some heavy cream and some grated parmesan even tho it's the pre-grated type and it's not gonna integrate. STIR.

step 5.5: TASTEY. very lemon-forward, solves that heaviness issue the sun-dried tomatoes solve in the other recipe. have not added salt - cheese might be salty enough? STIR.

step six: FORGOT THE SAUSAGES. go to turn on the grill. grill is not working. broiler?? broiler. add more pasta water. STIR. sausages are mesquite smoked beef keelbalsa [sic] something something yum.

step seven: keep adding pasta water and stirring while watching the sausages in the broiler. parmesan has unionized into a clump in the middle of the pan. add the pasta to the sauce. call people to eat. STIR.

step eight: add sausage grease and sausage medallions to pasta. make salad. eat.

step nine:

YUM

[jakeowen]

leak the mushroom recipe plz

oh for sure. thank you for asking, i have always wanted to be a lifestyle/food blogger but unfortunately i have the wrong personality so i guess i'll just through it on tumblr. so my sister really just listed the ingredients for me and trusted i knew how to assemble. i mostly did from watching my mom make them, but i filled in gaps by looking at techniques/steps from this recipe, just to give credit where it's due. basic ingredients:

whole stemmed medium-to-large mushrooms (you can use whatever type you want, i think cremini and white are the best options though. for mine i used white bc that's what they had at ingles and i made about 15 or 16 so all future measurements make that approx serving)

about a half cup of pecans, roughly chopped

a whole bunch of shredded parmesan

a packet of cream cheese

the original recipe called for sausage, i want to say chicken sausage. i substituted lentils which i'll explain below

idk what additional seasonings any other family member used (if any--the sausage tended to lend a lot of flavor) and i treat cooking like jazz so all additional seasonings i used will be detailed in the instructions, but literally do what feels right to you.

preheat the oven to 400, put a baking sheet in it to heat up

pull the stems out of your mushrooms, leaving them hollow. roughly chop the stems, and sauté them in olive oil with 2-3 cloves of garlic until they've cooked down some and the garlic is good and fragrant

add your chopped pecans and any herbs/spices you want. i was trying to recreate some of the flavor i remembered from the chicken sausage so i went with rosemary, tarragon, and oregano, plus a little salt & pep. sauté all this for another minute or two to get a light toast on the pecans. remove from heat

if you use sausage i guess you probably should have started cooking that and done everything else in the sausage grease, but for lentils, here are my guidelines: whenever i substitute something for meat i try to give it a similarly complex and savory/umami flavor to meat. to achieve this, i cooked dry lentils in water with a bay leaf (broth would have been better but i didn't consider it until just this moment, curses. next time i'll def use the roasted vegetable better than bouillon). once the lentils were just about tender i mixed in a little bit of tomato paste, a little bit of mustard, and a healthy dash of smoked paprika to achieve that depth of flavor. i always have dry lentils in the house bc they're so easy but if you wanted to use pre-cooked you definitely could do that too, go nuts!

in a big bowl, combine lentil mixture, sauté mixture, 1/3-1/2 of your parmesan, and all your cream cheese. here i also splashed in a little balsamic because literally why not. adjust seasoning to taste for sure. you don't have to mash this but you do want it to mix thoroughly, i just used a fork and a little elbow grease

take out your baking sheet and put your mushroom caps down on it (you can use cooking spray or olive oil but i just kinda didn't because i didn't care). fill each mushroom hollow with a generous scoop of your filling, sprinkle each with more parmesan, and bake for ~15 minutes until the mushroom caps are tender.

and i gotta tell you, they really do fuck. they do. i was contemplating the idea of possibly adding in some spinach next time for some greenery, so if anybody tries that, let me know how it goes, or i'll update you i guess if i try it. they were served alongside grilled asparagus, mac and cheese, and bbq ribs for the meat-eaters in the family, and everyone was pretty much thrilled with the meal. also if you have leftover filling you can fully just eat it with a spoon and you will want to because, like i said, it fucks.

[shatterthefragments]

Okay!!! I ended up going by faulty memory but here is my response!!

Mushroom gravy by itself was AMAZING (I absolutely just had a few spoonfuls of it just on its own!) 100/10 will be using the idea of mushroom gravy again 😁

(I went off of what I could remember bc. Uh. I ended up watching the nothing but thieves concert livestream while I was cooking once the call with my friend ended and didn’t want to navigate off it)

I definitely spilled a bit more bouillon in than I meant to but ah well.

I guess my process was cook and set aside mushrooms (I diced them so that there’s a small chance mum will eat it also) and looked to see what needed eating so I did turkey bacon in the pot I later boiled pasta in and bacon in the pan (which also helped because I didn’t have enough butter for a roux - I only just brought one out of the freezer when I noticed and it is still frozen tbh) I set the meat aside. And boiled frozen peas in the pasta water too.

Then made the roux with mixed bacon grease and butter haha - I tried to make it darker on your suggestion and I think it’s the darkest roux I’ve ever made. (I usually make roux for cheese sauce or sometimes when doing proper liver and onions but that we usually just toss flour on the onions and say good enough)

Then I tried to remember what your post said but couldn’t really so I dumped in the mushrooms and added mushroom powders to it too bc I have some morel, chanterelle, and winter chanterelle powders. Then chicken bouillon (I’m sure I have beef, veggie, and fish somewhere but the Flavour of The House is chicken bouillon so it’s my favourite) with kettle water and adding it. Then I couldn’t remember if it was a creamy thing like the first recipe called for or not so I shredded some pecorino romano (thank god for teammate sales that allow me to stock up on hard cheeses every once in a while) and put part of it in the gravy and part of it on top of the pasta (which I mixed in the meat and peas to)

I then baked the pasta which. I should’ve just mixed it all together (especially given that the gravy is a touch too salty from the bouillon spill) but oh well it’s fine I just wanted to shove it in the oven and lie down for a bit. (I ate a piece of pie, mushrooms, and peas while cooking so. I only tried a spoon once it was out of the oven)

Yessss I am now laying down with heat packs and one compression glove and one wrist brace bc ouchy. (I love stirring things so much. But right now it’s not the best though there are other things that hurt worse. (I didn’t wear a brace bc I just washed them and didn’t want it to get dirty esp when grating the cheese but it’s fine I’m in them now and will bring them to work even if I hate it))

All in all pretty good, lots of leftovers for lunches this week, and mushroom gravy is amazing 💖

I’ll have to seek out some of those other ingredients one day to one day try making the first one too 😊

@shatterthefragments

here's my big feelings mushroom gravy post for u

truly you can use it for anything you think you could put gravy on, but the plan for this round of gravy is to have it on top of mashed potatoes. it's also good with egg noodles or rice, on french fries and other types of potatoes. i'd honestly probably also eat it with a biscuit too. i've put it on top of a grilled portabello mushroom lol.

i make two types of mushroom gravy. one is ... a very southern church cookbook type of gravy, and the other, which i'm making tomorrow is a fancier (?) type lmao.

the first type of gravy is pulled from a recipe my grandmother used to make, which involved wrapping chicken breasts in bacon and then topping it with the gravy and cooking it. i don't eat meat anymore but i do like to pull things from my childhood and make them applicable to my current food landscape, though, and the gravy made the cut. and when i say it's a southern church cookbook gravy recipe, i'm so serious. i've definitely added mushrooms to it but the gravy itself can probably be found in at least five southern baptist church cookbooks at any given thrift shop.

it's good though! it's a can of cream of mushroom soup and three-quarters of that same can of sour cream (daisy is the brand that i swear my allegiance to). then i add (this is where it veers off) a packet of lipton onion soup mix and (lol) canned mushrooms, drained. season to taste, etc etc blah blah blah, cook through until hot. that's the mushroom gravy i make when i desperately need a comfort food. i usually have that with rice, because that's what my grandma served her chicken dish with, or egg noodles.

THE GRAVY I'M MAKING TOMORROW is fancier in terms of uh quality of ingredients, i guess? basically you take sliced mushrooms and brown them on both sides and then take them out of the pan. you get a little roux going with equal parts butter and flour -- i like to make a dark, dark roux so it takes a little more time and effort. i'm probably going to add dried thyme tomorrow because i think that's all i have, but it would be good with rosemary or sage or all three. salt and pepper to preference, whisk in vegetable broth (beef broth would also be good but ya girl's not out here eating meat) until it's the desired consistency. it'll thicken a bit as it cooks and i truly just measure on vibes. let that cook through, add back in the mushrooms. i usually also do a splash of soy sauce and liquid smoke.

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 150

I think for the time being, I am going to quit calling myself ‘late’ posting as long as I get the chapter up on the right day of the week *facepalm*.  Bc I am barely keeping ahead, much less remembering to queue things up.

I am so, so sorry about that....

Fair warning before anyone @s me: The French is a joke, so if I got it super wrong I am equally sorry to the degree of which it’s wrong.

Unless it’s obscene. Then I want to know so that I can laugh with you, and I am LEAVING IT.

As always, shouts out to @baelpenrose, @the-raven-fae, and @charlylimph-blog!

Heaving an enormous Dutch oven onto a burner, I turned on the heat low and started chopping vegetables. After the first celery stalk, I glanced up at Derek, who sat across from Maverick in our living room.  The quarters were shaped differently, which had distressed Derek initially, but the addition of his favorite blankets to the sofa had helped.  Currently, he was completely distracted from even Mac: staring off into space, his fingers flying and flicking with a feverish, almost convulsive movement.

Maverick glanced up at me with a smile before following my gaze. “Yep, the cyber siege continues.  He’s doing well, from what Zach told me.”

“I thought he was only supposed to attack human-managed systems,” I grumbled, thinking back to the cold shower I had been subjected to that morning. Turning back to the vegetables, I made short work of the celery before taking my frustration out on the carrots. Scooping the diced vegetables into a bowl, I started measuring out paprika, sugar, salt, pepper, basil, and oregano into another bowl.  “Where’s Sam, by the way?”

“On the way,” Maverick promised. “With Terran-style tomatoes, he swears.  And Derek is only attacking systems we manage.  When BioLab 2 was set up, we had to take over water management, to protect the lab from any sort of contamination.”

The knife in my hand, brandished at three cloves of garlic, clattered to the work surface. “Seriously?” I glared at the tap, suddenly suspicious.

“Probably get water from the console,” he winced, nodding briskly at Derek, who nodded in confirmation without stopping his tapping and flicking gestures.

Groaning, I shook my head and crushed the garlic, removed the skin, and started mincing. All that was left was to wait on the tomatoes from Sam.  The garlic was potent enough, and I wanted to avoid cutting any onion until absolutely necessary since Derek was clearly parked for the duration.

I was saved about fifteen minutes later when Conor and Sam stopped at the door.  Sam waved cheerfully and held up the requested vegetables while Conor removed his boots. A quick shuffle later for Sam to remove his own shoes, and both came to the food prep area - too small to be considered a proper kitchen - to greet me. 

First, Conor gave me a big, smelly hug and a kiss on my hair. “Did you already slice the bread?”

“Ew, you gorilla!” I laughed. “And I haven’t sliced any bread yet, I wasn’t sure how long I had and I didn’t want it to get too stale.”

“They’re toasties, love.” He shook his head with a grin before swatting me on the butt. “No one cares if the bread was a bit stale before you started.”

Over his shoulder, Derek’s head bobbed side to side. “I think someone disagrees.” I looked meaningfully past him.  To Conor’s credit, he looked sheepish.

Sam squeezed around and handed me the tomatoes and gave me a hug. “Thank you for making soup.”

“I know it’s our favorite,” I winked before shooing him out of the area. “Not enough room for more than one in the kitchen. Y’all go unwind out there, and make sure you warn Derek that I’m about to start cutting onions.”

As he held up his hands and jokingly scurried away, I turned to the stove and started cursing myself. I’d forgotten to start boiling water. Snagging a small saucepan, I got a carafe of water from the console and started rectifying that, tossing in a generous pinch of salt.  Gently, I cut an X into the bottom of each tomato and set them aside before peeling and dicing the onion.  Immediately, the onion, carrots, and celery went into a food processor.  “Derek, I’m about to be loud,” I called softly before counting to ten to give him time to cover his ears or step into the corridor.  A quick blitz later, the vegetables were perfectly between a mince and a puree.

A quick swizzle of oil went into the already-hot dutch oven before adding the mirepoix and giving it a quick stir. As if on cue, Tyche and Antoine breezed through the door, noses twitching.

“I smell food,” she announced, stalking into the kitchen.  One look at the ingredients was all it took. “Ooooo you’re making the tomato soup.”

I couldn’t help laughing. “I am, and you know I don’t have room in here for spectators, unfortunately.” Arching an eyebrow, I pointed the spoon in my hand at the table.

She wasn’t having it. “One of these days, you’re going to show me how to make that. May as well be today.”

“Nice try, but I need some secrets. Besides, the longer I argue with you, the more likely the vegetables are going to scorch. Scoot!”

She scrunched her face at me but acquiesced. As I scooped the garlic into the pot, I heard her change topics. “How much longer is the stress test? My music keeps getting mixed up with Antoine’s. I don’t mind it, but…”

Antoine smiled softly and shook his head. “But it is quite a shock to expect classical music and instead her rock starts playing.”

Personally, I liked both, but still shuddered at what he was talking about. Carefully lowering three of the tomatoes into the now-boiling water, I glanced at the sauteing vegetables and gave them a quick stir to check. “We have about six more days before the repairs start, maybe four more after that?”

Conor sighed. “I wish we could ask if anything important was being hacked, not just annoying environmental controls.”

“Plants aren’t dead yet,” Sam pointed out, tipping his bottle of water toward Conor in a practiced gesture.  Everyone laughed when, rather than being reassured, Conor leapt to his feet to check on his ‘babies’ in the room.

Cursing, I dipped the tomatoes out of the boiling water and dropped them immediately into an ice bath.  A couple pokes with my trusty spoon showed they weren’t overcooked, thankfully. “None of my information for work has been acting up,” I admitted as I started peeling them. “But Pranav advised that more critical data would either go completely missing or not show any signs of infiltration.  We won’t know until after the test is over.”

“Lovely,” Tyche drawled as she watched Conor fretting over the plants. “So it’s all or nothing.”

I shrugged and dumped the tomato paste - admittedly, from the console - into the pan of other vegetables.  When I stirred, I was satisfied that the carrots, onion, and celery had cooked down to where they were soft. “In a weird way, it makes sense. They’re testing for catastrophic data breaches, which would pull everything down, or for data theft, which you wouldn’t want to leave traces of.”

The corner of Antoine’s mouth quirked up as I dropped three more tomatoes into the pan of boiling water. “No hidden boba tea this time, that is reassuring.”

Hands still moving without hesitation, Derek whipped his head toward Antoine, paused, and turned back to where he had been staring. Derek’s version of a glare.

“That was Charly,” I responded in unexpected unison with Maverick and Conor.  I smirked while dumping the already-peeled tomatoes into the processor with another pinch of salt. “Seriously, Derek had nothing to do with that other than divine retribution.” I paused for a moment. “Although I do have to admit that the cold showers do seem to track with what Charly reported.”

That only got a shrug from Derek, which was as good as an admission.

The conversation shifted again - something Conor and Sam were working on in the aeroponics labs that I had already heard multiple details on, plus repetition.  Tuning it out, I pulled out the last three tomatoes, dropped them in the ice bath, and took a platter with a loaf of bread, sliced cheese, and butter out to the table. “Mav, can you start setting up the sandwiches?”

He went to stand, but Tyche shooed him back down. “I got it. She may not let me help make the soup on this one, but I can prep a grilled cheese with the best.” Staring me in the eye, she started cutting slices from the loaf defiantly.

I just laughed it off. This was the only tomato soup either of us liked, and she had been chasing me for the recipe for ages.  It had become a running joke at this point, so without hesitation, I moved back to the food prep area, peeled the remaining tomatoes, and gave another warning that I was going to be loud.  Some more blitzing later, the now-pureed tomatoes went into the pan of veggies along with the spices I had already measured out, the juice from one lemon, and enough water to fill the pan three-quarters full.  Leaving that to boil, I moved the boiling water off the stove and swapped it for a grill-pan.

“Sophie!” Conor cried from the armchair where he perched. “You’ve seen the plants we’re growing in the lab! Tell them we’ve managed a crop of roots!”

I winced. “Jury’s out… I’m not sure how aeroponic potatoes are going to turn out, but I can confirm they are in the process of finding out?”

Tyche’s knife fell to the table, and she moved her mouth silently in a very accurate imitation of a fish before managing to sputter. “Air-grown… potatoes?”

The confusion on Antoine’s face was painful to look at. He started to speak before stopping himself and instead pulling up his datapad, jotting a message, and flicking it out to the room.

When I read the message, the confusion was so clear that I hurt my sinuses snorting. Des pomme de terre en l’air? Pommes aeriennes? Talk about being lost in translation…. “Conor, Sam… I think Antoine has the perfect name for those if they work out. Just sayin’”

Tyche snorted and shook her head before handing me the platter, with a stack of perfectly buttered bread, two slices of cheese between every other slice of bread.  The soup had just come to a simmer, so I was stirring intently and just nodded for her to start grilling sandwiches.  Several appreciative sniffs and twenty minutes later, six bowls of soup and six matching sandwiches - three cut vertically and three cut diagonally, because it mattered and was not a battle I was willing to fight - hit the table.  Tyche politely placed the salt cellar and a pepper grinder on the table, although the glare she dished out to the collected group promised strong retaliation to anyone who touched them.

I held up half of my grilled cheese in a mock-toast. “To soup night!”

“To air potato soup, soon!” Maverick offered up with a grin, only for everyone to echo his sentiment with the exception of Derek - who just held up half of his sandwich with one hand and tapped away with the other, not even relenting to eat.

Frankly, as long as he spared a hand to eat, I couldn’t bring myself to care.  He took these tests very seriously, and generally only stopped when he was completely asleep.

Everyone dug in, but it was only after my first spoonful that I spoke up. “Considering how long it took to make sure the tomatoes wouldn’t be poisonous, I’m not sure the potatoes will be ready before we get to Von.”

Conor and Sam nodded, as did Tyche and Antoine, but Maverick stopped with his bowl halfway to his mouth.  Setting it down gently, he angled his head. “What do you mean, poisonous?”

“They’re nightshades,” Conor told him, as calmly as if he was telling us that water was wet. “Tomatoes are the only edible berries of that family, and potatoes are the only edible tubers, so we have to be extra careful.”

Maverick’s eyes grew wide and turned toward his soup. Tyche just reached out and patted his hand. “You’ve eaten this soup for years, and you love tomatoes. They’re safe, I swear.  And Sam won’t let Sophia near the new ones until he’s completely sure they’ll be okay to eat.”

Sam nodded, shoving a soup-covered wedge into his mouth. “We’re growing them in simulated Von-light, hoping that keeps the roots from creating chlorophyll.  If we’re wrong, there’s a forty-three-point-six percent chance they won’t grow at all, ten-point-five percent chance they will give you a stomach ache, eighteen-point-four percent they won’t taste good, and twenty-seven-point-five percent they will taste good and be safe to eat at the same time.”

“Meaning they won’t kill you, you might get a tummy ache, but most likely for this generation, they just won’t grow,” Conor translated.

“Hang on,” I held up my spoon. “What kind of stomachache are we talking here?”

The mad botanists looked at each other and made a few thoughtful faces. Finally, Conor nodded and Sam spoke. “Unripe apples,” he stated flatly. “But just unripe apples.”

“Oh, that’s not too bad,” I shrugged and crunched into my sandwich.

Derek finished his half-sandwich and blindly reached for another. He had it halfway to his mouth before he looked at it and dropped it back to the plate in alarm. You would have thought it tried to bite him rather than vice versa.

Antoine shook his head and reached past the vertically cut sandwich Derek had dropped and delicately handed him a diagonally cut one. “Here you go, friend.”

Glaring at the sandwich like it may betray him, he bit it viciously before going back to the screen he could only see in his mind, seemingly satisfied that the sandwich would not change into the offending shape.

I told you, it matters.

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[ichor-if]

how would the ROs handle being away from the mc for a long time? Relationship stage 🥺

heeey anon dear ❤️ hope you’re alright with some mostly vague, slightly angsty snippets for most of them?? :) it’s under the cut bc it got long

-

Olivier keeps on glancing at the clock. The last time they looked has been at least 10—well, maybe 5 or less—minutes ago. Why has nothing about it changed yet? They’ve wondered when you would come back out loud so many times, it has been added to Miss Cookie’s vocabulary at this point. The affectionate bird jumps around on the table, talons clacking against the wood, her beak reaching out to nibble at cold hands. “It’s been so long, pretty bird, pretty bird,” she continues on and on whilst occasionally whistling the tune of Oli’s ring tone—much to their sister’s dismay. Isabelle insists that her dear sibling has been ‘weirder than usual’ since you left. Something Oli’s and her parents seem to agree with. She’s lost count of how many times she caught their sideways glances when Oli once again rummaged through the kitchen counters and cabinets for new ingredients, new recipes to try out. Never quite satisfied with any of their creations. “Maybe you’re right,” Oli sighs, tapping their fingernails against the table. Miss Cookie promptly joining in after making an ecstatic noise. Maybe they’ve been acting strange. Though it can't be helped, you took a piece of them with you. They have to fill the emptiness with… something, right? Letting out another sigh, one too many in such a short span of time, they run a hand through their hair and try to remember the last time you've called. They know you're fine. You must be. "Promise me you'll call as soon as you can." They said. “No excuses! Please…” And you kept your promise! It hasn't been that long since you two last talked. And yet… What if you aren't fine? They've lost you once, what if they lose you again? Oh god, what if you're hurt or in trouble or— "Hey!" A small hand grasps their wrists, "Deep breaths, look at me." They draw in a shaky breath, following her motions as the trembling in their hands slowly subsides. Isabelle releases their sibling’s palms reluctantly, averting her gaze to the clock, "again?" Oli nods in reply, letting out a hoarse chuckle, "I know, I know. I've talked with mum about it, so don't worry. We—" The ringing of their telephone interrupts them. They reach for it so quickly that they hit their knee on the underside of the table, Miss Cookie presenting them with some choice words after being shooed away from sitting on top of it. “Rude. Deserved.” After scrambling with the piece of plastic and nearly dropping it several times, they finally get to flip it open, eager to be met with your voice. “Hey, love. Before you rush and trip over your words again—yes, I am fine. Though… maybe we should meet up again? And uh, I suppose there’s no way you’ve got both incense and holy water at your house?”

-

“Percival,” a booming voice resounded through cold, empty chambers, “will you show yourself to me?” Silence reigned until the newcomer threw his balled fist against the wall. Dust promptly tainting his polished shoes. “I’m tired of the games you play!” He roared. Like a lion, he thought. Though it rumbled more like the bark of an impatient whelp. Did he truly need a reply at all? Nothing they say would satisfy him. “Even the king is chained to the board,” their chuckle is faint, a whisper rushing through the hallways, past this figure’s vexed form, each of their nerves twitching in irritation. “Where did the vessel go?” Teeth began to crunch. Perce eagerly awaiting for them to break. That the man shall find the blood and destruction his speeches call forth.

“Oh? You came all this long way to complain about disappearances?” How deliciously ironic. “I don’t know where exactly. Away, that’s for certain.” They took a swift, silent step around the corner, their eyes following the outline of his shadow, moving erratically. Unable to detect them. They have to try so hard not to burst out in laughter.

“Stop messing around with me, I swear—”

“Swear on what? I’m not the one who can sense them, Haruspex. You can bark and hound as much as you want, it won’t bring them back.” His head turned so red, such a pretty colour on him, flaring beautifully in the candle-light behind him.

“Leave now. Stop bothering me.” Their pounding footsteps were louder this time. Always quicker than him, though. He was never able to catch up. He never will be.

-

Forlorn, astray. Just as you likely are, since you haven't returned yet—not there to grab their hands, claws grazing lovingly over soft flesh. Exhausted and hunched forward, they take another delayed step. They’re looking for you, and yes, they will be for a long time. Until they find you. Sworn to protect you. But a hand, just as clawed as theirs, gets planted upon their back, halting them. “Umbra,” twisted with pain is their tone, “let it be. What's one more broken contract?" They look off into the distance, putting their own palm over their chest. It feels so empty without you there.

As if all emotions practically leak out, leaving only apathy and pain behind. “It is not simply about the contract,” the walls in this place are steep and unassailable, and the echo of their words fade quickly into the vast emptiness beyond.

Never to be heard by you.

-

“If you want my opinion, you can gladly have it.” The girl kept on talking, despite the constant pleas for her to stop. Her voice was a knife cutting through veins and minds alike, screeching and scratching with every syllable she uttered.

It was as if she couldn't take a breath unless she was talking down on someone. Eyes of bronze began to burn with heat as they tried to hold back tears.

“No one has ever asked for your opinion, you just hand it out as if it was a gracious boon.” Venom was placed into their mouth, ready to flow down their throat and engulf their aching heart.

Of course, the other person in the room ignored their words. She always did, always will. Some things just never change. And she just moved on, as if nothing was said at all. As if their words weren’t enough to be heard.

“You caused this, you played a part in this, so stop sulking over it, Lazarus. Stop yearning for prey that’s not yours.” By god, they hate her voice so damn much. Taunting ridicule constantly flows out of her maw—nothing but nonsense. And yet it wounds them. Cuts them open and pours anger into their boiling blood.

“Thanks for the input, dear sister of mine. But I think I will ignore your advice, and instead actively go against it.” It’s said between gritted teeth, ready to snarl, ready to bite if they must.

Just like sick hounds are supposed to do.

-

It’s so cold outside. It would be nice to have a blanket. One made of arms, wrapped tightly around them. For your embrace feels amiss at these dark hours.

Not that they miss you, they don’t! They surely don't miss your hands running through their hair, definitely not the curve of your lips when you smile, neither the sound of your voice nor— They groan. Stupid, this is so useless. What's the point of being this upset over something so dumb! It's not like you won't come back to them... But if you could at least give them a date, an hour, a set time, then they wouldn't be so— "Ezra!" Their parent stares at them, a gentle smile on their face, "Is everything okay? I've been calling you for two whole minutes now," they shake their head softly and chuckle. "Of course, why wouldn't it be." They scoff, "Everything is perfectly fine." A stroke of light all too suddenly illuminates the dark sky, Ezra’s mouth slightly agape from the display of nature. They crane their head toward their parent. “Do you think wishing on a shooting star works? Not—not that I have anything to wish for.” -

"Why?" Croaks an echoing voice. "Why—" It stammers again, picking up pace as feet trot against the murky floor. "Why have you done this? We could've fixed this, you promised to fix it! This was your mess, and yours alone, but I was willing to help." Arek grabs fistfuls of hair, gritting his teeth. Something drips nearby, maybe the tears of distress that fall from his cheeks or the blood from the tip of a blade.

Lailah doesn't answer him. Doesn't deem him worthy of a reply. "And you just went and fucked it all up again. Answer me, damn it!"

He reaches out with gnarled, aching fingers, but a snatched, stifled sob cuts off his advance. Followed by the faint scratching of claws, slowly retreating along the path. "I did not mean to." There is anger in her. Nothing but. And it hurts him. Stings like pinpricks against his flesh.

Her weapon clatters to the ground, waves caressed and cut by its sharpness. Arek scoffs at the scuffed metal. Bright silver tainted with deep, dark blood. Lailah knows he'd seize this chance to pick it up and stab her, filling the puddle with her own rotting gore, had what is already there been your blood.

"Good." Arek spits at her, the word uttered like a curse. "Great, even. Because the means justify the end. What was the end goal again? I think one of us forgot."

Lailah turns her head, a glowing gaze meeting that of her associate. The wind washes over her, ruffling matted feathers, and with it, she picks up her resolve. "It was merely another pawn for The Wiseacres. Why are you so worked up?" Talons sweep over her dress, tearing more holes by accident.

"I can't have you go around stabbing everything you deem a problem. Lest you might—"

"I might what?" She laughs. A chirp. Unfortunately short-lived, as beautiful as it might have sounded. "Afraid I'll hurt your sweetling?"

It's Arek's turn to stand in silence, mouth agape. Trying to find the right words. Not necessarily the ones that ring true. He's reminded of fleeting glances, secret smiles, and prickling touches. Gone with the wind, in the blink of an eye, for far too long. He shakes his head, stepping closer. Picking up Lailah's rapier. Placing it in her grasp.

"Are they mine?" -

[junewild]

may we have your cupcake recipe? <3

HELL YEAH, thank u anon. i’ll give you vanilla, citrus, spice, and chocolate cupcakes & if you want anything else let me know! this is going to be stream-of-consciousness rather than linear recipe, because unfortunately that is how i bake. if you want a linear recipe, let me know which particular set of pieces you want and i can write it up for you. i’ll even guesstimate times and such.

BEFORE YOU READ FURTHER: this is very long. if you are not into cupcakes, bookmark this for later when you suddenly decide to make cupcakes and keep scrolling. now with new added read more for additional readability <3

making cupcakes takes me about two hours if i’m doing two batches or an hour and a half if i’m doing one. it might take you a little longer the first time because you don’t quite know what order to do things in or how long everything takes. i like to start my fillings first because they take longer to be ready, then turn on my oven, then mix my batter, then make the frosting while cupcakes are baking.

SUPPLIES

you will need: a cupcake tin, cupcake wrappers, at least one large mixing bowl (2 is recommended to avoid a lot of washing dishes between steps), a hand mixer or a lot of elbow grease, spatula, whisk, small bowl, a small grater or microplaner, a piping tip + bag (or just a plastic bag with a hole cut in one corner) and at least one saucepan or small frying pan. measuring spoons/cups are useful but i’ve tried to include thicknesses and alternatives so you can eyeball it if you have to (i usually do, just because i know what i’m looking for lol)

you will also need some of the following (check your specific cupcake type to find out which): a box of cake mix or ingredients to make your own cake mix, cream cheese, condensed milk, butter, powdered sugar, lemons/limes/oranges, chocolate, vanilla extract (real is recommended; i know it’s more expensive but the increase in quality is worth it if you can), lemon extract, heavy cream, pumpkin pie spice (or at least nutmeg + cinnamon), and fruit of your choice.

CUPCAKE

okay so: box mix is fine. it’s good. great, even. as long as you do this: replace the oil with butter. add an extra egg. i don’t care how many eggs it calls for. i know it feels like a lot of eggs. add an egg anyway. add a sprinkle of extra salt. a tsp or so. you’ve already made a good cupcake!

vanilla:

add a tablespoon (about three capfuls, if you don’t have measuring spoons) of REAL vanilla extract if you can afford it (or i really like the vanilla paste that has specks of bean in it. 10/10)

citrus:

one teaspoon (one capful) vanilla extract. two-ish teaspoons of lemon extract. zest of one lemon. zest of one orange (i like blood orange particularly much) or lime. replace 1/2 cup of the water with lemon and lime or orange juice. add about a tbsp of extra sugar.

spice:

two teaspoons pumpkin pie spice (you can see the spice in the batter without it discoloring the batter) + one tablespoon vanilla extract.

chocolate:

it’s already perfect xoxo. JUST KIDDING. add a tablespoon of vanilla extract.

instructions:

these ratios are for 24 cupcakes. take your cupcake pan and line it with cupcake papers. you can grease the top of the pan if you’re anxious, but it shouldn’t be necessary, especially if you have a nonstick pan. then just mix your batter until it’s not particularly lumpy and fill your cupcake papers about a third of the way full. a quarter cup measure is easiest for me to use bc the amount that easily comes out of it is about the right amount & it drips less than a spoon does. then i like to use a spoon to push the batter up the sides a little so it holds the fillings better.

FILLINGS

you can mix and match the hell out of these, honestly. i typically do cheesecake in everything & then fruit in vanilla or citrus cupcakes, specifically apple or cranberry in spice cupcakes, & chocolate in vanilla or chocolate cupcakes.

cheesecake:

one package softened cream cheese + 10 oz (2/3 a 14 oz can) condensed milk. stir on low heat until smooth, then add 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. DON’T add sugar. it’s not supposed to be very sweet.

fruit compote:

literally just half a cup or so of frozen or fresh fruit. i’ve done this with raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, cranberries, apples (fresh and cubed is best), and peaches. anything is fair game, honestly. i want to try stewed kumquats and plums at some point. if frozen, add a tiny bit of water. if fresh, add about as much water as you have fruit. squeeze some lemon and lime in there. add sugar to taste. for the apple spice mix, add another teaspoon of vanilla and a teaspoon of pumpkin pie spice.

IMPORTANT: you do NOT want this to be sweet. this is NOT jam. it should be a little tart when you taste it. if it’s not thick enough, slurry a tbsp of cornstarch in a little bit of cold water and stir it in. it should be thick enough to not drip off of a spoon when you turn it upside down.

ganache:

heat a cup of heavy cream on very low heat. i like to do a double boiler: saucepan half-full of water, bowl full of cream in the saucepan. when the cream is warm, stir in most of a package of dark chocolate chips. stir HARD—whisk the shit out of it. DO NOT let any of the water get into the bowl!! you want the ganache to be gloppy when you lift it with a spoon—it has to not soak into the cupcake mix.

instructions:

so you have your 1/3 full cupcake wrappers with the batter spooned a little bit up the sides. using a small kitchen spoon, drop a spoonful of cheesecake into each cupcake. then top that with a spoonful of ganache or a spoonful of fruit compote (or both! it’s your kitchen!). spoon batter over the top and down the sides. fully covered, it should come to just under the top of the cupcake wrapper—i usually have 1/4 to 1/8 of an inch grace.

pop that in the oven according to the box instructions. i usually find that cupcakes with fillings take the longer time listed, rather than the shortest one. when your time goes off, touch the top of a cupcake. if it feels firm (think: ripe plum; you can push on it and it’s soft but it doesn’t cave in), it’s probably done. you can also put a toothpick down one of the sides, rather than the middle. pull your cupcakes out of the oven, put in your second batch, and set these aside to cool.

FROSTINGS

there are two frostings that go well here. i tend to like buttercream for vanilla and citrus and cream cheese for apple spice and chocolate. your mileage may vary. this is where the sweetness comes from, without overwhelming the cupcake!

buttercream:

let two sticks of butter (one unsalted and one salted) soften on your countertop. DON’T melt them. when they’re room temperature and you could mold them with your fingers, put them in a bowl. a mixer is best for this stage, but you can do it with a whisk and spatula if you’re determined, have patience, or can switch out with someone else. whip the butter a little. add five cups of powdered sugar, a cup at a time.

for a vanilla cupcake, add a tablespoon of vanilla extract (or vanilla paste! the specks are SO cool looking!) and use heavy cream to even out the texture until you think it’s pipeable (you’re looking for “holds its shape without being Chunky”). for a citrus cupcake, add a teaspoon of citrus extract and lime juice until it’s pipeable. two sticks of butter is too much, but one stick usually isn’t quite enough, and i prefer to have extra to practice piping with.

cream cheese frosting:

let one package (8oz) of cream cheese soften on your countertop. mix it in a bowl until smooth. add about four cups (3/4 a regular water cup, i think) of powdered sugar—again, we’re looking for “pipeable without being inflexible”. add a tablespoon of vanilla extract/paste and use heavy cream if you need to soften the texture at all.

both of these frostings take coloring very well. something that i personally love is doing a sort of gradient, where i’ll add red to one side and mix it well, yellow to another side and mix it well, make some orange in the middle, and leave some white here and there. then spoon from each section into a piping bag and voila, free beautiful swirls. you can also use a knife to frost your cupcakes, but i think piping is fairly easy to pick up on if you try it a few times, and it makes your cupcakes look that much more professional.

instructions:

make SURE your cupcakes are COOL TO THE TOUCH before you frost them! pop them in the fridge if you’re in a hurry! a single layer of piping should be enough, but decorate if you want. icing sugar is pretty. don’t go too overboard with sprinkles—they make it hard to eat.

voila! cupcakes.

SUBSTITUTIONS

i have made these gluten-free, dairy-free, corn-free, vegan, etc etc. gluten free box mix is fine. your own powdered sugar (powdered sugar + tapioca starch) is great. you can do a coconut milk pudding instead of cheesecake or ganache. you can do baking soda + vinegar instead of baking powder (1/4 tsp bs + 1/2 tsp vinegar per tsp baking powder). if you’re allergic to fruit, i am SO SORRY for you but please try the chocolate ones. you can substitute any extract, any flavor profile, any combination of ingredients. if you’re using a commercial egg substitute, just add an extra 1/4 cup of it. if you’re using flaxseed, just add an extra tablespoon of flaxseed + 3 tablespoons water.

it may not come out exactly the same as the standard ones, but my friends with dietary restrictions still swear by them. i have never brought cupcakes home from a party. i don’t think anyone who’s ever tried one has not gotten a second helping. people who swear they aren’t cupcake people love these cupcakes. (it’s because they aren’t overly sweet or moist or dry and they aren’t one-note, because the fillings add complexity of texture and flavor. there you go, now you know how to describe your new cupcakes to people).

congrats! you’re about to be everyone’s favorite party guest!

[fagcrisis]

so this is gluten and egg free bc i cant have gluten or egg. ill note where you can use egg and regular flour

ingredience:

1 kg chicken thigh fillet (its cheaper than chicken breast and more fatty which is good when youre starving on minimum wage)

sunflower oil

8 cloves of garlic (original recipe called for 4 but theyre wrong)

toasted sesame seeds (just, like an amount. ull sprinkle this on at the end u dont need a lot) FOR THE BATTER

4 tablespoons of cornstarch and 6 tablespoons of water mixed until smooth (or 2 eggs beaten)

250g schär mix b all purpose gluten free flour (or regular all purpose flour) sifted!!

125g cornstarch

1 teaspoon baking powder

240ml cold water

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 teaspoons of salt FOR THE SAUCE

160g honey

1 tablespoon cornstarch

2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon ketchup

2 teaspooons sesame oil

2 teaspoons salt

a little bit of paprika if youre hungarian and cant stand a recipe not having paprika

SIFT the flour and add in the salt and baking powder. if youre using the egg substitute i wrote then instead of adding yoiur 125g cornstarch in with your dry ingredients you should stir it into your cornstarch and water mix and add it with your wet ingredients. if ur using eggs then mix the cornstarch with a bit of the cold water and add it together with the eggs and water bc if you just put it in dry itll clump. pour in the oil in as well and mix until smooth

CUT up the chicken into larger cubes than you think you need or strips. put in the batter and make sure its all evenly coated

MIX the sauce ingredients together, once again make sure to mix the cornstarch with a tiny bit of water and add it in that way or itll clump on ya

POUR the sunflower oil into a wok (im using a wok bc i have one the recipe said sautee pan idk what that is. use whatever pan you have) u want abt 5 cms of oil in there but i used less bc i ran out. heat it up and place the chicken in. take the pieces of chicken out one by one and make sure theyre still evenly coated. youre probably gonna have to do multiple rounds bc u dont want them to stick together, so you shld store the ones that are done on a plate lined with paper towel. fry them on both sides until theyre golden brown

when youre done frying all your chicken which may take a bit depending how many rounds u can get them done, pour out some of the oil from the pan and in the remaining oil put in your chopped garlic and fry until you can smell the garlic (or when it starts browning a bit for those of us who lost a bit of smell to covid)

at this point pour your sauce in and simmer until it thickens. stir occasionally

then pour all your chicken pieces back in at this point u can do all of them u dont have to fear them sticking together. fry in the sauce until all the chicken is evenly coated in sauce and it like sticks. drizzle the sesame seeds on and serve with whatever the fuck i had it with chips bc i couldnt be arsed to make rice

Seasome honey chicken recipe now 🙏🔫

aight gimme a sec to get to my laptop ill type it out

[catboy-lover-archive]

Obey Me Romanian MC

idea inspired by @/harunayuuka2060 (too shy to tag them)

Nu ştiu ce inspirație supraomenească m-a lovit dar am început asta la 2 dimineața și am terminat-o la 6.30

Im sleep deprived bc I stayed up all night doing this, enjoy gagicile mele

[added translations]

(under the cut bc this bitch is long af)

Lucifer: Are you not enjoying your meal?

MC: This food isn't even good. Next time I'm bringing my bunica to make you guys sarmale best thing you ever tried 👩‍🍳👌😘 mwah

-

MC: I'm not gonna go out with Satan, Beel, Asmo or Belphie.

Asmo: Awww

Beel: :(

Belphie: What?!

Satan: Why?

MC: Why date a guy who's favorite color is not in romanian flag? 🤔🇷🇴

-

Asmo: But I thought you could-

MC: For the last time IM NOT A VAMPIRE I CAN'T HYPNOTIZE PEOPLE OR MAKE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

-

Levi: Ohhh!!!! So are you like familiar with Castlevania-

MC: We don't talk about that *cries in disappointed*

-

Solomon: What is this weird potion.

MC: *puts bottle of țuică (plum brandy) on the table*

MC: This is not a potion, but a solution to all of your problems gagica 💖

-

MC: *talking to Lucifer* Oh iubire (love), stop crying over Diavolo again. Why cry over guy who would wear vagabond everyday in my country?

MC: Tsch tsch tsch

Lucifer: What the fuck is Vagabond

MC: Only the worst of streetwear existent. Only f-boys use it

Lucifer: Fair enough

-

Beel: Why do you want to try out for the sports team?

MC: Because Steaua, my country's team, disappointed me 😔

-

MC: Mammon! Asmo! Let me show you guys a thing called ✨manele✨

-

(after the Belphie incident)

MC: Does anybody have a belt.... a belt so I can...no reason...papuci de casă (slippers) works too

-

MC: Hey Belphie! Did you enjoy your punishment? 😜

Belphie: My butt still hurts...

MC: Next time it's the lingură de lemn ♡ (wooden spoon)

-

*MC dancing to Braşoveanca*

Mammon: W-what's that???

Satan: Some sort of ritual I suppose

Asmo: *joining in* It's fun!

MC: Doi✌paşi🦵înainte➡️şi😱doi😩înapoi⬅️ (two steps forward two steps back)

-

MC: Who has summoned me?

Satan: Belphie isn't feeling well and the medicine didn't really do it's job.

MC: Everyone watch closely because I'm going to teach you guys a sacred ritual called ✨Frecție cu Oțet✨

Satan: You're just pouring vinegar on his wrist.

MC: Now here comes the fun part. *maggages his wrists*

Belphie: Someone please kill me this is unbearable

MC: Am I allowed to say Tatăl Nostru (Lord's prayer) or is that too....uhhh weird since yall are demons and stuff-

-

Barbatos: MC...

MC: I'm sorry but crossing myself after I finish a meal is implemented in my brain. It's in the default settings.

Barbatos: What happens if you don't cross yourself?

MC: Lingura de lemn (wooden spoon) *shivers*

-

Diavolo: Do you like my castle?

MC: Baby, Peleş puts you to shame.

MC: Also, too much current (swift). Close the damn windows

-

Lucifer, giving up on life: Oh not again...

MC: DA PĂ CIMPOI DA PĂ CIMPOI JOACĂ FETELE LA NOI 👉👈😳

MC: Real music here 😌

-

MC: There, there gacica (girlfriend). Don't cry. *pats him on the back*

Lucifer: Do you got any more țuică...

MC: That's the spirit!

-

MC: I know I technically didn't die, but can we please have a funeral??? There is this really tasty cake just for this special occasion called colivă. Beel is okay with it so- hey don't ignore me! wait guys this is important- wAIT!

-

Satan: I hate Lucifer because he is my father.

Belphie: I hate Lucifer because he sucks in general.

MC: I hate Lucifer because Favorite color is red which is COMMUNISM COLOUR 😡‼

-

Solomon: See?? MC likes my cooking!

MC: Piftie...Caltaboş...

MC: Solomon, you would make a very good romanian housewife. Say, have you ever considered getting a 701st wife...?

-

Beel: *munching happily on the food MC makes*

Lucifer: *getting a fucking break*

MC: *making grătar(barbeque) cu mici*

MC: Everybody loves 1 Mai!

-

MC: Beelphiiieee!!!! I have a spell for you 😊

Belphie: Please not the lingură de lemn-

MC: *boop on the nose* ✨du-te dracu✨ (go to hell)

-

Lucifer: How did you make everyone behave?

MC: *looking at the papuc de casă in hand*

MC: You either die a hero...or live enough to become the villain...

Lucifer: Interesting, can you teach me?

MC: The secret is to use your wrist-

-

MC, whispering: Psst! Mammon! How's the sarmale trading going?

Mammon: Its okay, but why can't you just give me the recipe?

MC: E din moşi strămoşi (it's from older generations) I can't give it to you

-

MC: Hey pisi, want a ride in my Dacia?

Simeon: ...what? :)

MC: Come on gagica(girlfriend)! We are going to visit my family they will love you!

MC: You can also bring Luke. Just uhhh don't let him drink from the "juicebox" ok? It's not- It's not juice in there

MC: But you can drink. I won't tell anyone.

-

Diavolo: MC you can't leave yet. Not even for a quick visit back home.

MC: Auzi, da du-te-n p- (well why don't you fuck yourself on my dic-)

-

MC: *sigh* Sometimes I wish Satan was wearing Vagabond instead of...whatever that is

Asmo: Ouch, but yeah I guess we are that desperate.

Satan: I'm never tutoring any of you again.

-

MC and Luke, just vibing honestly: ⬇️Intră-n👇apa🌊mării🐚şi🐋nu🐟te🙄teme😱ai😳să-nveți🤯să-noți🐠printre🤔sirene🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️

(go in the sea's water and don't you be afraid you'll learn to swim among mermaids)

-

MC: No Asmo, I have a date to the ball he's right here *points at țuică bottle*

-

Belphie: *misbehaving*

MC: Vai, vai, vai. Sărumâna Belphie 😃 ( well, well, well good day Belphie)

MC: *grabs the papuc (slipper)*

-

MC: NO LUCIFER IT CAN NOT BE AN AN NOU FERICIT (happy new year) IF WE DO NOT DANCE THE HORĂ

-

MC and Luke, vibing yet again: POVEȘTI DIN FOLCLORUL MAGHIAR!!! (maghiar folklore stories!)

-

MC: Where is my țuică? :)

Everyone: *quiet*

MC: I won't get mad :)

MC:

MC: Foaie verse de trifoi~ *papuc reappears* Dați băi țuica înapoi (green leaf of clover, give the țuică back you fucker)

Everybody: *runs*

MC: Mândruțelor (girls), come back until I'll put this to good use

-

Levi: *exists*

MC: *in love with him bc his fav color is in the Romanian flag and not in the commie flag*

MC: Te las să te lingi cu mime în parcare la lidl (I'll let you french kiss me in the Lidl market parking lot)

-

MC: Lucifer you don't understand!

MC: Sandu Ciorbă cured my depression!

-

MC: Muie cretinii pământului (fuck y'all stupid asses) my țuică is back and I'm not sharing anymore

-

Asmo: We're doing hot girl shit tonight

MC: Ne curvim rău (we're hoeing)

-

MC: futu-ți cristelnița mătii (fuck your mother's font) Simeon you're the one that drank all my țuică

MC: I'll let it slide this once, if u take me for shaorma(shawarma) in Piața Victoriei (Victoria's market)

-

Solomon: Whoops, I accidentally messed up the sarmale recipe

MC: Aşadar războiu alesu l-ai (So you have chosen war)

-

Mammon: MC, how do you say "I hate you" in romanian?

MC: Dar eu sunt mândru că sunt twink. (I'm proud to be a twink)

Mammon, clueless: ok thanks

-

MC, to Belphie: I had such a rough day, please fute-mi una (fuck me over) and not the way I like

-

Mammon: What would be a quick way to make money?

MC: Gagica(girlfriend), listen. Culegător de sparanghel (asparagus picker) in Spain is your go-to.

-

Asmo: *blasting manele vechi (old manele).2006*

Asmo: Please love me!

MC: *already in wedding attire*

-

MC: Beel! Here, try this! Yeah yeah its completely fine!

MC: ...what do you mean it looks like Solomon's cooking?

MC: THIS IS PIFTIE AND YOU WILL LEARN TO APPRECIATE IT

-

MC: *dragging them all by the hand to therapy*

MC: Păi aşa-i hora pe la noi măi bade- (This is hora to us well my mans)

-

MC, talking to Lucifer: Măi omu lu dumnezeu îți fut una de nu te vezi (listen God's man I'll fuck you over that you'll not see again) if u lay a finger on my țuică again

MC: I don't care that you have daddy issues, this is MINE now thank you very much.

-

MC: Doamne cu ce ți-am greşit? (God, what have I done to you?)

MC: tanti Lilith, ia-mă cu tine gagicuțo milf ce ești (Miss Lilith, take me with you you milf girlfriend)

MC: Chiar și culesul de căpșuni din Spania era mai ok dacât (even strawberry picking in Spain is better than) Therapist Simulator hell edition

-

Diavolo: *exists*

MC: Vrei să-ți fiu a ta mireasă? (Do you want me to be your wife?)

-

Simeon: *exists*

MC: Vrei să-ți fiu Ileană Cosânzeană? ( Want me to be your fairy wife?)

-

Belphie: Every time I doze off they say this weird phrase...

MC: Dormeo(mattress company) ! Noapte bună! (good night!)

-

MC: What do you mean im not allowed to have a cross around my neck?

MC: My dead grandmother would kill me it's Sfântu Andrei for fucks sake

MC: The law is law we gotta put garlic and salt everywhere around the house

MC: This is what you get from taking my țuică away AGAIN

-

MC: I mean, at least i dont have to take the bacalaureat and face the woman-hating-Ion-Creangă-fucking-twink-looking-nightmare-inducing Eminescu so

MC: *drinks a Mona Spirt (rubbing alcohol) bottle in one go*

MC: that works wonders for me

[the-tzimisce]

Ok I’m gonna do my one good deed for 2021, since god knows I haven’t done any of those or frankly much of any evil ones either, and write up how to make pie crust so you can overcome your unnecessary, conditioned fear

If I was hip like the youth I guess I would have made this a tiktok or something

Ok so you have two allies that really keep this from being a pain in the ass

Cold (sword not required)

Pastry gets flakes from little chunks of butter melting in the oven in situ in the middle of the dough. Thus the defining challenge of making pastry is to keep butter from melting before it gets to the oven, so basically as cold as you can get it at any point in the process is best. Keep the room cool (doesn’t have to be freezing), put all your ingredients in cold, put it in the fridge in between steps, if you’re stressed, if you left your filling on the stove, if your mom calls (if you already started rolling out it ghost your mom)

This boy

This is a pastry blender. Yes you do need a tool for this. You can cut butter with two knives (I actually have no idea how this works) or with your fingers, but like...don’t. I’ve done the fingers thing because I used to make pie a lot more often and get asked for it on like, vacations and shit, and like I’ve done it a zillion times so I can make okay pie crust with my hands but we’re not cavemen, a pastry blender is like six bucks and also honestly the cheap pastry blenders are much nicer than they were ten years ago for some reason

So, your ingredients:

2 1/4 cups flour

Some salt, because you’re not a whacko who forgets to put salt in everything while she’s holding the salt

A stick and a half of butter (3/4 cup) right from the fridge. This is for a two-crust pie bc that’s all I ever make but it scales proportionally if you only want one

Shortening diversion: You can use crisco for this if you want it vegan, or cheap. It makes a really flaky crust, but without as much flavor, and it behaves like slightly warm butter at basically any temperature. You can use lard if you’re a 20 year old in rural Vermont who likes to use a hand crank egg beater for meringues because it feels all salt of the earth. Or if you just have lard easily available, I haven’t used it in years but it does make tasty crust.

Then you get your pastry blender and just slam it into the butter. Yes this is a fancy pastry blender, I got it in college for like twenty bucks and thought I was being extravagant only to use it for literally at least a hundred pies so sure that’s worth it. Also the cheap pastry blenders then were shitty wire, I know I was literally walking barefoot through snow to get to school in college but I didn’t know I was doing it with pie crust

You’re just going to keep cutting the butter with it until it makes chunks and then cut those chunks into chunks. The ones in this pic are still quite a bit too big. Recipes will tell you to make them “pea sized” which is a good aim but you’ve got some wiggle room. You don’t want them big enough that they’re floating around in a bowl of mostly flour and water dough like matzah balls in soup, and you don’t want them small enough that they start to smear into the flour and make a smooth dough. You want subtle chunks. Ftr this takes like two or three minutes

Stick it under the faucet and mix in cold tap water a little at a time. If you have ice water in the fridge that’s probably better. No I don’t actually have any idea how much water this would be if you were measuring bc honestly it kind of varies. I just keep adding some and mixing it a little until there’s not a bunch of flour detritus at the bottom of the bowl. If you put in too much and it’s sticky just put a little more flour in. You should be able to see the chunks of butter if you look for them but on a macro level it should stay together as a dough

If you’re a good planner, which I occasionally am when it doesn’t involve salt, apparently, you will have done this before making your filling so you can stick it in the FRIDGE for a while and let your butter go back to being cold. If your room is warm and you’re not in a huge hurry do this anyway for half an hour or so

Preheat the oven before you even look at any of the rest of this. I’m gonna assume you have the concept of rolling it out and filling it, also because I can’t take pictures of that because there’s dough on my hands. I split it into two equal halves and make the bottom crust larger (to cover the sides of the dish) and thinner. Bake at 450 for half an hour, turn it down to 350 and bake another half hour

Yes it’s ugly, that’s because I won’t need to impress anyone with how it looks once they taste it. I can’t tell you how to put a lil flower cutout on top or do a lattice because all that shit takes TIME and time is MELTED BUTTER. If you can do it and still keep it reasonably flaky though that’s pretty based.

There are other ways to do this you might see, some people use a food processor which I personally don’t get, some people like to add sugar, some people swear by vodka to keep it flaky. I don’t use any of that just because I’ve always been able to get a great crust with two ingredients and tap water (two ingredients because I apparently forget the salt) so I’ve never bothered to try any complicated shit, but it all seems valid from what I know. Unless they want you to mix in the butter any, in which case shun them

If you’re like “Julia what the fuck you said this was ‘ez’ and then made a thousand word post about it” keep in mind I described each moment of a five or ten minute process in gruesome detail and it probably took you longer to read this post than it will to make the crust. If you want to @ me that I’m wrong and I’ve committed some kind of baking crime, that’s boring, don’t bother. If you want to @ me that I explained something really badly and you don’t know what I meant, please do, I’m always at the ready to combat our national phobia of literally the easiest recipe I’ve ever baked

I’m eating the pie in this pic now and it’s fucking incredible, to the victor go the spoils