#i actually don't have ADHD at all! i failed the ADHD test hard at my neuropsych (or...passed? idk?)

[ibetittering]

Fuck all of y'all in Florida how dare you misrepresent my liberal king that man loves women (not in that way) and he would not STAND for this smh

[longeyelashedtragedy]

anyone here who has ADHD and has successfully developed a sort of fitness routine? i'm not talking about "OMG IF I DON'T GO FOR MY RUN I'LL DIE," or any kinds of cardio, but in terms of like some casual weight lifting, strengthening routines (the kind of stuff you can do at home.)

i've been pretty successful at whipping the executive dysfunction and poor regulation of stimuli into shape for other things, but i can't seem to establish this, and i'm really fucking tired of being in meh shape, i would like to be stronger 😞

note that i'm virtually always listening to a podcast or youtube video or something bc i can like barely put shoes and socks on in a timely manner sometimes bc of how often i suffer from understimulation! so the fix is more than "put on something interesting for your mind," cause i basically always am! the day when i can get self care and organizational tasks done without Entertainment is a very rare and good one.

[the-words-we-sung]

Thoughts and pictures - S3E4

I've never been that slow with a Young Royals rewatch >< It's hard for me to get through this season (especially now that I'm in the last 3 episodes...)

And here we go, starting directly with a very sad Simon 😞 Omar plays a crying Simon way too well, it breaks my heart every damn time...

I like hearing Wilhelm call Simon his boyfriend 🥰 Also is it me, or do we have a lot more close up shots in season 3? (No clue if that's what it's called, I mean shots that are very zoomed in on their faces like this one.)

Vincent drawing a dick on the ground, of course... And I don't get his explanation: "why even try if there's no reward for the effort?". It means if the school closes, they all won't graduate and have to do their grade all over again? Surely if they're taking tests and all, it counts for something? Why fail an important test and take the risk to fail your year? 🤔 (Not gonna lie, most of Vincent's reactions to what's happening to the school this season left me quite perplexed ^^') And if it's just the graduation ceremony that is cancelled, it still doesn't mean they're not graduating, does it? 🤔

But can you really Simon?

And Wilhelm repeating his mother's words "it's a privilege, not a punishment" breaks my heart >< (Also I'm gonna be a little shit about it but even the Royals have a choice in the end about accepting or not their role and job: after all, Wille is gonna renounce it in 2 episodes :p)

I do like what he said about the role of the royal family in Sweden! We have very little information on that in the show so I appreciate it here. And he looks so pretty in this light!

Wilhelm sounded so surprised that Farima said yes immediately when he told her they needed to help Simon. He was expecting to have to fight them on that.

Why did he have to delete his whole account? Why not just put it on private? (I know I've read in several fanfics the idea that searching and deleting through all the new people who followed him before going on private would be too much of a hassle but I feel like it's a stretch, and an acceptable price to pay to keep his account?)

Their conversation about Wilhelm's choice of foundation makes me so so sad! I had hoped that he would see Simon's point of view on how he can use his role as Crown Prince to try and make things better! I was actually pretty surprised that he was 100% not interested. It's a new facet of Wilhelm's personality that we hadn't really seen before I guess? And it feels like it creates a serious gap between them, it shows that they're not on the same page at all about a pretty serious subject (which is not good for the future of their relationship...)

This shot of these 3 made me laugh :p

This one hurts... Another crack in their relationship 😩 Simon is realizing how different they are. He knew they were but this season is showing us a side of Wilhelm that just seems incompatible with Simon :/ It's not just differences in tastes or personality, now it's differences in their core values also. And that is a huge problem.

So we learn that Simon mostly avoided Micke for Sara's sake. Or maybe he's exaggerating that fact because he's really angry at her.

The sit-in scene is very funny, they're all so dramatic, thinking they might starve to death xD I didn't think that August's eating disorder would be confirmed this way! Also I guess Vincent does have ADHD then? It was not just an excuse to get pills.

"Because we are different?" Yeah... that's what this episode is really about, how different you both are. Which wouldn't be an issue for me if it was less about such important matters :/ I wish we had seen them learn more from each other this season, instead of being in conflict to much.

I agree with Felice that it's getting out of hand! (I still enjoy the whole thing though 😁). I don't dislike Stella as much as a lot of people seem to, but I don't like her in this scene and how she talks to Felice!

Cutest scene of the episode.

I adore this scene. It makes me want to cry. I love them both and I'm so happy that they're slowly finding their way back to each other <3

"Erik was there." This sceeeeene!! Such a punch in the face, so fucking terrible >< (So well acted also!!)

Another trauma for my poor boy...

So lots of mixed feelings with this episode! I'm very frustrated with Wilhelm and his reactions, but I love the Sara arc. I really like the end of the episode, with some very good scenes. But now I really don't wanna go watch the next one ><

[actuallyadhd]

hi, sorry in advance if this isn't the kind of thing you are open to getting in your inbox, but i just don't know what to do with my feelings. i really hate my adhd. i spent my youth cruising through school and high achiever programs, being told i was going places, and nowadays i am nothing short of completely useless. i'm early in diagnosis to where i'm just starting with medication (15mg of ritalin twice a day at this stage) and haven't effects yet. it's already clear that the dose i'm going to need will be embarrassingly high.

ever since i told my friends, it's obvious that the diagnosis came out of left field for them and that they see me differently. i keep catching them giving me sympathetic looks after zoning out, fiddling with something, or presenting some other stereotypical symptom. i tried mentioning to them how i'm not getting results out of meds yet as a means of whinging since it is making me anxious and a little impatient, and their response was completely uninformed medical advice about how i should be taking them. they're also all talking about how they all probably have adhd too since we 'tend to glom together'. they're all straight-A students with no symptoms or functional issues, so i find this a little condescending. i might be imagining how they've starting talking down to me/talking slower. the diagnosis made me feel stupid enough without them acting like this, and now i just feel like a human joke.

i don't really know what the point of what i'm writing is anymore, but i'm struggling to get any assignments in, failing all my tests, my friends treat me different, my parents are unabashedly disappointed, the meds are taking too long to work, i'm lazy, dysfunctional, getting dumber every day, and my head is too fucking loud to keep living in.

i'm sick of how trying to have a thought feels like being a sentient pile of spaghetti wading through tar, and of not being able to read if my brain decides a particular paragraph is not to its liking, of not remembering anything, of struggling and not even being able to remember and articulate what with, and all the other bullshit. i probably just have to wait this out while we figure out meds, but i'm sorry for using this inbox to vent because i think that's what i'm doing as i can't really go to my friends. feel absolutely no pressure to respond, i might have just needed to wright this down and see it sent off somewhere. any advice is welcome if you have it though, lol.

Sent August 16, 2024

Oof, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. There's a lot here, so I'm going to try and go through it a bit at a time and tackle everything as I go.

First, this is absolutely the kind of thing I'm here to try and help with. No worries at all on that.

Second, this is a long one, so I'm putting in a cut.

I understand hating your ADHD. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. Reaching out for help is a fantastic way to deal with those emotions.

It sounds like you were a gifted student, and now that you have less of a schedule being imposed on you, you're struggling. That is totally normal, but it also sucks a lot.

You aren't "achieving your potential" or meeting expectations, and at this point they aren't just others' expectations, they're your own. I spent several months working through this issue years ago, and it still comes up for me regularly! The friend who walked me through it was incredibly patient with me, and their job in this case seemed to mainly consist of "why do you think you need to do this thing?" and then just continually asking why until we got to the bottom of it all.

Once you know what's at the base of the expectations, you're in a way better position to decide whether they're expectations you want to try to meet.

One of the good things about getting diagnosed is that it gives you information. Now you know why things are hard, and you can start looking for solutions that will actually work with your brain. You may find some of those solutions here, and you can always ask for help with specific issues.

Now, it's possible that Ritalin/methylphenidate isn't the right medication for you. It is also possible that the dose is too low; I don't know a lot about doses for Ritalin (I was initially put on Concerta but it was Very Bad so we switched to Dexedrine/amphetamine) but I used to know someone who took 150mg Ritalin every day, so that's a thing.

As for your friends, talk to them about how they're acting. Tell them that you don't appreciate the jokes or the different treatment. Explain that ADHD has been there all along, it just wasn't discovered earlier because your giftedness hid it. You are not a different person.

Having ADHD doesn't make you stupid. We've already established that you're gifted. I know what that's like; I was this flavour of twice-exceptional, too, and I was 28 with my ADHD was finally diagnosed. I know that doesn't help how you feel right now, but it is true.

For your school stuff, talk to your instructors about getting extensions so you can try to get caught up. Go to your school's disability services office and talk to them about what you can access in terms of accommodations. Set yourself a schedule for studying and working on assignments that you stick to no matter what.

I'm not sure why your parents are disappointed. If it's your school performance, I get it. Showing them that you're doing your best will help a lot with that. If it's the ADHD itself, that's not your fault. ADHD is hugely genetic, so it's just a thing that happens and probably you have relatives who also have ADHD, or at least people who would probably qualify for a diagnosis.

Medication can take a while to figure out, and it can be difficult to deal with waiting while you get the right medication and the right dose. At the same time, you may not notice a difference right away; so much depends on the person and the medication.

Now, you are not lazy or getting "dumber" every day. You have ADHD, which means you have executive dysfunction. That is hard because the world is not set up for people like us, so when we struggle we compare ourselves to other people and that's never a good idea.

I have a suggestion for helping you feel better about yourself, and then I have some resources for you to look at.

Start a scrapbook that's just about good things about you. Make a page for things you're interested in (or a page per interest). Do something about your favourite colour, things you have done for other people, etc. The idea is that then you can look at this book and remind yourself of the good things about who you are as a person.

As for resources, here are a couple of posts over on the main Actually ADHD site that might help with some of what you're struggling with. Most of the posts there include printables, so do have a look and see if those might help you at all.

Followers, do you have any other suggestions for this anon?

-J

[skaldish]

sorry for the incovinience, but I read this, and as neurodivergent medical student I'm very curious. Do you have any resources or recommend (websites,books,etc) about neurodiversity from a neurology,psychiatry pov? (especially from a neurodivergent health professional or science expert) Because it so hard to found those (mainly bc the missinformation and ableism), most books in my college's library are not updated :(.

not to mention some doctors have said some wild ableist shit (and even some medical students) :(

I don't have much, but I have directions I can point you towards. (I need to update it, but any sources I do find generally go on my brain blog @prefrontal-bastard.)

First, I highly reccomend the Neuroclastic website for autistic perspectives. This website is by and for autistic folks and features a multitude of people with different expertise and backgrounds, including scientists. I imagine any pertinent developments in our understanding of neurodiversity would probably appear on that website.

I also know the AIR Network Model's website has scientific articles on trauma and dissociation, so I recommend looking into them too.

I'd also look into the MNRI PTSD Recovery Protocol by Svetlana Masgutova, Ph.D. I'm not sure if she's neurodivergent herself, but I would hardly be surprised if she is.

I recommend this because the studies behind her protocol reveal some extremely telling things about neurodiversity and its relationship with trauma. I have one of her books and it goes into the entire neuroscience and testing behind it, but unfortunately copyright laws means I can't, like...share the charts. This approach seems to be the direction the science is taking us on regarding neurodiversity though, so it might be the "in" you're looking for in terms of a non-ableist medical framework.

(The breakdown though, because this shit's fascinating:

Traumatic stressors can cause our nervous systems to blow like overloaded circuits. This causes our primitive reflexes [patterns of movements that reflect the core operating system of mindbody interface] to re-emerge, or to fail to integrate if the trauma was during babyhood.

Evidently, retaining 35% or more of the known reflex patterns produces the symptoms associated with things like sensory processing disorder, autism, ADHD, cerebral palsy, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation. It even contributes to depression and dyslexia.

Dysregulated reflexes can impact damn near anything: cognition, attention, coordination, disposition, emotional reactions, visual /auditory / spacial perception, pain perception and threshold, body growth, mood, and even the function of our digestive and immune systems.

From what I understand, certain primitive reflexes correlate with certain disorders. Apparently the Startle Reflex / Fear Paralysis Reflex and Moro Reflex are highly correlated with Autism diagnosis. Other reflexes potentially contribute to it since this is not a "rigid categories" thing, but those are the two her book is citing in particular here.

You can actually re-integrate these reflexes with exercises, which initially thought was fucking bogus until I tried it and suddenly could perceive and conceptualize things I didn't realize I couldn't before, as well as perceive parts of my body I didn't realize I couldn't perceive before [like my spine].

You can actually find integration exercises on youtube. It's an Occupational Therapy thing, but since it's new and emerging it's not something the average OT knows how to do yet, I'm afraid.

Also, important note: Some reflexes take longer to integrate, others don't. They might have to be integrated in a certain sequence depending on which ones are retained, but I'm not sure what all the sequences are.

Rule of thumb for anyone reading this: If the internal experience of "being you" sucks ass in any way, check your primitive reflexes. It ain't a curse and it ain't the devil, you might just need recalibrating.)

Hope this helps!

[carmenberzattosgf]

I too write things like help or I'm gonna kms or something to a similar effect in my notes from time to time I fear. This is gonna be me very soon as I'm taking stats this quarter and my first day is tmrw. (Taking stats AGAIN btw I failed it the first time bc my prof was shit)

I will say tho that I am the person everyone hates bc im a really good test taker, so usually I can just fill out the study guide or smth and like then that makes the info stick in my head.

Don't worry God did humble me bc my crippling adhd makes it so actually doing the work is so fucking hard I hate school so much but !! If I can actually fucking pass all my classes this time this will hopefully be my last year :>

-🍋

This is me but my downfall was micro economics. The only A- I have, tainting my gpa. Whenever I see that professor around I’m filled with anger

( see low key same about being a good test taker because for stuff that isn’t so intensive like biochemistry I’m the same way. The issue with biochemistry is I gotta understand how everything works and why it works the way it works. And also math.)

[duchessofostergotlands]

Just read your last post on autism and well you sound like me. I don't even have a diagnosis because it could stop me from becoming a public servant which I want to be (governmental prejuidice is amazing, isn't it?). However, I also have ADHD as a possible side "quest" on my laundry list. Everything I learned about it in women in recent years screams my experience. However, no one thought to test me because I did academically well like you in school and didn't have issues conforming to classroom rules. Back then you had to be a boy, running around constantly and failing classes to even get a consideration for ADHD here. No one saw that school was my own personal dopamine farm and that I constantly quietly fidgeted with something.

Idk where I'm going with this here but yeah I just felt seen by your post. I think I want a diagnosis eventually after I got my public servant position but I'm also scared of looking for one. Because what if it isn't depression, autism, ADHD and/or even BPD? What if I'm just a lazy slob that peaked in school and someone who is just easily distracted and not great at social interactions I haven't played through in my head a thousand times before?

Hello :) The internet can be a terrible thing but the best part of it is there will be someone, somewhere, who has experienced what you are experiencing. So yes, totally relate to what you're saying. I have similar thoughts all the time. "Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I'm just sensitive, maybe I'm just a bitch" lol. To be honest I think genuinely lazy people probably don't ever think about the fact they're lazy or get upset about it so it's probably an indication you're not. Like I often think "am I actually a good person?" but I don't think genuinely bad people ever consider that!

I did see something helpful a little while ago. The comedian Aisling Bea did an interview where she talked about her ADHD and the shame she felt when she believed she was just lazy. She said that she loves acting and she can get given a script and learn three pages of dialogue over night - her dialogue and everyone else's - and people are astonished. But you give her a simple task like filling in a form and she just can't do it. I suspect you might find you're the same way. If someone gives you a task you enjoy or find value in then you can probably do it more quickly and to a higher standard than other people. You are capable of hard work. But if it's a task you don't enjoy or think is pointless you will feel like there's some kind of forcefield stopping you from doing it. I also think if it was just laziness, if it was a choice, then no one would ever choose to be lazy about things which are detrimental to them. The call it took me 3 months to make was to register with a doctor. It was really important, it was harmful to me to not have a doctor, and yet I couldn't do it. If I could have gone online and done the whole process there I would have. But I couldn't do it because I had to make a phone call which I struggle with. So if you 1) find that you are capable of putting in hard work in certain things and 2) find that the kinds of tasks you struggle with are important tasks and not doing them is potentially detrimental to you, it isn't just laziness. I think it comes out in a lot of women when we leave school because we don't have structure, routine, someone caring for us. The fact so many neurodivergent women were high achievers in school and burnt out later in life is not a coincidence!

But also, something I don't see talked about that much is how sometimes we are lazy but that laziness is a totally natural response to how exhausting it is to be neurodivergent. Having to be constantly aware of how you talk, how you sit, how you write all day to fit in with a world that you don't fully understand but you know if you get it wrong you could lose your job, your home, everything. The stress, the anxiety, the energy involved in that. After years and years of dealing with this, you are going to crash. So when we do have a rare good day where we feel energised, sometimes we choose to do the fun thing instead of the task we have to do. Other people can be productive because they know that they will probably have the chance to be lazy later in the day or the next day or the next week. Whereas I don't know when I'll next have that opportunity. So sometimes we are being "lazy" but it's to try and repair the years and years of exhaustion and anxiety and stress that has built up! Other people are allowed to be occasionally lazy but we punish ourselves for it so much.

[lastoneout]

So my neurologist actually did something right for once and gave me some ambien to help me sleep while I'm on the steroid pack since I already have insomnia and steroids make it WAY worse, and I was really excited because this is legit what I've been wanting a doctor to do for like over a year now...but it didn't really help me sleep, at least not as well as the weed does.

I could possibly just need a higher dose(I am known to be very resistant to these sorts of meds, it takes like twice the normal dose of propofol to put me under) or maybe the steroid is just so powerful the meds can't make a dent in it(which I'd believe since I'm really sensitive to steroids and the weed ALSO doesn't help me sleep as well when I'm on them), and also it's really hot and humid right now which makes it hard to sleep in general AND I just got my bc implant put in which is making it hard to sleep since I have to be careful with my left arm and I like NEED to be able to switch what side I sleep on cuz my shitty arthritic joints don't like staying in one position for too long...but this is a bit of a let down ngl. I was really excited to be able to sleep and then maybe use this as proof that I can be trusted with sleep medication and I could finally stop having to spend damn near $100 on weed gummies every month and a half just to Sleep At All but like...hnnnn.....

Idk, when I see my primary I'm going to beg her to send me to a sleep specialist again bcs the weed is NOT sustainable it's already expensive and on top of that I am absolutely building up a tolerance which means I have to take more to sleep and thus spend more money and it's so fucking annoying. I've already made a lot of progress in the trauma department too and that hasn't really helped me sleep better which leads me to believe this is def a result of one of my other medical issues, I def think a sleep specialist is the best bet rn.

The plus side tho is she gave me 15 ambien and I only have three days of the steroids left, and my arm should be healed better in the next couple of days, so I should have a chance to test the ambien without the dual whammy of the arm pain and steroids wrecking my system, and if even that fails well that's a 15 day T break for the weed which honestly I really do need so like there's that.

Also since I have a bunch of new followers quick FAQ/rundown before anyone gives advice:

I have bipolar disorder type II and adhd and severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia, arthritis, and hEDS. The adderall for my adhd isn't the problem, I actually sleep WAY worse without it. I don't drink that many caffeinated beverages and I especially don't drink them basically at all when I'm on steroids so that's not it either. At least a little of my insomnia is due to trauma and not having a dog currently, but I can't adopt another one right now for numerous reasons, and EMDR has helped the trauma nightmares/anxiety let up quite a lot but that hasn't helped me sleep. I can't take CBD it makes my brain feel like I'm hooked up to a car battery. I also can't smoke bcs asthma so unfortunately I am stuck buying edibles which are very expensive. Insomnia isn't on the medical marijuana criteria in my state so I can't even make it cheaper that way. Melatonin does nothing. Benadryl also does nothing. Exercising before bed also does nothing. I can't do yoga(hEDS) or meditate(adhd). Cutting down on screen time before bed doesn't help and I already spend as little time in my bedroom as possible during the day so my brain keeps associating being in there with sleeping. Listening to music/a podcast doesn't help. Sleepy teas and nice baths and all that before bed doesn't help. I have a weighted blanket which does help a little, but sucks bcs it traps heat like a motherfucker, but I'd sleep worse without it so yeah. Also I can't make my house any cooler/less humid because I'm renting and it's old and shitty and doesn't have real air conditioning and the little portable ac unit + dehumidifier is trying but like...it's not enough I'm still hot and sweaty all night.

I am on hydroxyzine and nortryptraline and they don't make me even a little tired. I cannot take SSRIs or SNRIs on account of the bipolar and the fact that I'm just really sensitive to stuff that messes with my serotonin, even when I'm on a mood stabilizer, and the only med that I can stand that does serotonin stuff is the nortryptraline and it's also the only thing that helps my pain so switching it to something else isn't an option. I build up a resistance to seroquel really fast which makes my insomnia infinitely worse in the long run so I don't see the point in taking it. I have tried basically everything my psychiatrist can think to give me outside of narcotics, which led to her straight up telling me to my face she just can't help me before clarifying that apparently narcotics are somehow worse for me than not sleeping so she won't prescribe them even if they might help. I don't snore or wake up gasping for air so I know I don't have COPD or sleep apnea.

Literally the only thing that has ever made sleeping easy is weed(and opioids but those don't help my pain and have so many hoops to jump through so I don't wanna take them anymore), specifically indica with CBN, but it has to have THC in it I've tried pure CBN + CBD gummies and they don't make me tired they just make me feel weird 'cuz of the CBD.

So yeah. I am up shit creek without a paddle and I really quite desperately need to see a sleep specialist. I appreciate advice but like believe me, I've tried just about everything I can think of and none of it helps. I just naturally have really bad insomnia. And it sucks.

[eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeert]

School is hard and it's my fault I always just watch YouTube or scroll on Tumblr after tutoring and I barely even do my work and I want to do it but I can't I can't do the stuff I actually like doing like reading, drawing, writing just anything that could be considered somewhat productive and it's been regurgitated to me from so many teachers and my mom that i only have highschool to get my shit together or I'll fucking fail in life no matter what I do and I am trying my best it's just that my best is far from enough and I should've tried to switch my math class to second semester or to a different teacher at the very least cus I haven't learned shit and it's not like the math teacher doesn't put her lectures in canvas it's just that I can't sit through something I don't like and now it's end of course testing and I know I'll fail math and English cus I can't do my work or pay attention and none of the ADHD meds I've been put on really help except for Adderall but that made me feel like zombie but at least I got more of my work done, I don't eat breakfast or lunch at school anymore and I only really eat dinner and maybe a small snack and I'm a bit worried I might get an E.D but I don't wanna sit in the cafeteria where it's really loud, and I don't wanna rely on my parents for cash to hang out with my friends so I have to go into the cafeteria this week to sell my stupid fucking memes, and I honestly can't tell which parent is better at this point cus my mom gets on my ass about school and makes me feel like failure if I don't do well in school and my dad is mildly transphobic plus a bit of other bullshit, and I want to change but I don't know how, I want to spend time on my hobbies and homework and not fail at life, and live up to my potential that almost every teacher in the past and my parents say I have, I want my mom to stop saying "ThIs Is WhY you dOn't mess aroUnd in scHool cUs It'll come bAck to Bite you in tHe ass" at every minor life inconvenience, I want my dad to see me as his son instead of his daughter, I just want to go to sleep and have it all be some weird bad dream that seemed scary when you were in it but now that you're awake it's just really stupid sounding.

[fictionalmenaremytype]

I have so much respect for Sally Jackson because raising a demigod is not easy.

Why does no one talk about the diagnosis process that Sally Jackson would have gone through to get Percy ADHD and Dyslexia tested? I highly doubt that Poseidon would have told her that Percy would be neurodivergent when he was born because the way that godly powers effect mortal lives isn't something they think about.

I don't know what the process is like in the US but if it's anything like where I'm from its stressful and draining and no one wants to believe you actually need help. It took almost seven years for me to get my ADHD and Dyslexia diagnosis because there were waiting lists and you had to be referred to like eight different doctors.

Sally Jackson would have had to go through that alone in her early twenties, and we all know Gabe would've been no help and probably would've made it worse.

This is such a big part of Sally's character, and it's never discussed. Raising kids isn't easy, and neither is raising a neurodivergent kid, especially when they haven't got the doctors' signatures to say that they are what they are. Those first few years of Percy being in school would've been hell on Sally because she was stuck in this loop of not knowing what her child needed or not being believed that her child needs extra help and probably felt like she was failing as his mother because of this. Not to mention, the judgement she would've faced for being a young mother and having her "struggles raising him" blamed on this.

Yes, Percy Jackson found school hard because of his ADHD and Dyslexia, but Sally Jacksom would have found it equally hard for the same reason. All of this just makes it more heartbreaking every time Percy gets kicked out of a school and every time he apologises to Sally for it.

[valkerymillenia]

Finally had the appointment with the psychiatric specialist. Had to get up at 6am and go to a whole other city but I got it.

He was a guy (not the actual doctor I was supposed to see because she's on medical sabbatical). And he was nice but I am awkward with strangers and there were some things... Look, I just hate medical gender bias and there was a little here.

But most of all, there was... Some ableism?

Don't get me wrong, he was good and proper and did his job, he was also nice (and very young), but I was there for an ADHD and autism screening so I could have an official documented diagnosis and, well, there was quite a bit of gender bias about these disorders... And a significant amount of unconscious ableism too.

I'm already being treated for these things but my current doctors (psychiatrist, psychologist, and GP) don't have expertise in this area because these disorders aren't usually diagnosed in adulthood and that is their field, and this guy is the "expert" so we need his stamp on the matter just to dot the i's.

Turns out we didn't have enough time for all the tests because someone messed up and scheduled this as a follow-up appointment instead of an assessment but we made do. Here's my problem though: he only wanted to focus on the ADHD.

Also, he ignored a lot of details I was trying to put on the table but I might be reading too much into this.

According to him, yes, I definitely have ADHD and it's good that I'm already testing the medication for it but he wants to see what else he can do and if he can fix the side effects, but we didn't really have enough time for a full evaluation so he sent me home with a bunch of written tests to take so he can check them next month and have a more concise idea of my issues.

He also cut some of the older medication I had that is now obsolete with the new stuff.

I'm fine with all that. Grateful even.

But I wanted to talk about the autism diagnosis, I've been trying to approach this with doctors for years, I've desperate to be heard ever since I learned just how strongly the symptoms applied to me every since I was born, I'm been desperate ever since I discovered the gender bias in diagnosing females, I did so much research and talked to other autistic people and associations that gave emotional support, but the doctors keep brushing it off, not because they don't agree but because they literally don't want to talk about autism in general, they don't even wasn't to explain why they don't want to talk about it, the stigma is just too big.

Eventually, this is what this doc said:

"Look, autism is a spectrum and all so it's complicated. You definitely have serious autistic traits for sure but I don't think we should test you for it, there's no point because you're an adult and you've already learned coping mechanisms and masking the hard way, you struggled a lot but you're here, there's really not much else we can do help with and not much treatment we can give for this so why saddle you with a bad label?"

Like, it's so ableist. He totally missed the point? I told him I don't really care about what treatment they can give me, I just want confirmation because:

1. there's safety in labels, much more comforting to know I'm normal zebra and not a failed horse,

2. having the diagnosis gives me access to more information and a better ability to find good coping mechanisms and helpful tools for my daily life,

3. having the diagnosis allows me to find community and get mutual help and support without judgement,

4. having an official diagnosis helps me get certain amenities (or at least understanding) to make my life easier, be it with work or family life, even with social security or at certain events,

5. and finally, just because I survived my childhood without a label and found a way to blend in with neurotypicals doesn't mean that's a good thing (I was horribly bullied and abused for a reason), it doesn't mean that I'm currently happy pretending to be what society expects, doesn't mean it's not fucking exhausting, doesn't mean I don't deserve validation for my struggles.

But noooo, his whole focus was on "we can't medicate to FIX it so why bother" and on "what people would think of you if you had that label".

Bitch, I don't care about either of those, I don't care what people think of me, I care what I think of me, and autistic is not a slur, contrary to what people in this country seem to think! I just want to understand myself and my own struggles, and whenever I get harassed for being different I want to be able to defend myself with this knowledge.

For fucks sake, just test me and show some support!

I stg the doctors in this country are so scared of the word "autism", it's insulting.

[kairahara]

When I was a teenager- somewhere between 14 and 16, I was talking to a friend about homework, and I complained about how hard it was to focus on homework, or to do it even when I wanted to, and how did the teachers expect us to be able to do homework when it was so hard?

My friend didn't really understand what I was talking about. "I can sit and focus on it if I want to, but it is pretty boring" was the gist of what they said.

I blinked. That didn't seem like my experience of things, at all. "Yeah, I mean, tests are pretty boring but they're easy- but homework? You can focus on that?" I asked.

I was good at tests. For the most part, minus math, where the numbers just make my head hurt.

"I mean, tests are boring too, yeah, but homework isn't any harder."

And I was baffled. As I do with a lot of things, I went to other friends and asked. Some, like my best friend at the time who remains one of my closest friends now, had similar problems to me. It wasn't quite exact. They didn't get the creeping, dark pit of dread every time that homework gave me, but it was similar enough, and did say it wasn't hard when they could actually remember to do it.

But they were the only one who experienced the phenomenon of homework the way I did.

As with most things like this, I began to ask myself what was wrong with me. My parents called me lazy about it, I sometimes would cry in my room because even though I wanted to try it felt like an insurmountable wall and I couldn't. My blue carpet scratched at my elbows because I was afraid if I would cry on the bed my parents would hear it creaking as I sobbed. (My dad and grandpa had once told me crying was for the weak. That's another story, though)

So. I looked it up, online on the home computer in our computer room. And increasingly, the one thing I found that fit what I was feeling- and seemed to explain other parts of my life I hadn't ever considered to be problems.

ADHD, though back then it was broken into ADD and ADHD.

And so I begged my parents to let me get tested. My dad thought it was bullshit, but told me "I'll pay for it, your mom will take you."

They found a specialized a few towns over. We went. The moment I walked in the lady, tall and thin like a reed, looked down her nose at me and I had the feeling she was one of those doctors. One of the ones who hates when a patient self diagnosis, one of the ones who thinks their word is law.

I knew I couldn't tell this lady that I was sure I had ADD or ADHD. I had to let her make the decision. And so I acted out of my ass about it.

"Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me, it's so hard to focus- I never seem able to do anything, can you help me doctor, oh please"

and I put on my saddest, wettest face. It probably helps that I have the face of a literal baby and my eyes are huge.

"Well! You've come to the right place, I am an expert!" She said in that sort of voice that hid a sneer. The sort that let me knew I'd been right all along about her.

We did tests. We did an assessment. At one point she hooked my brain up with little electrode pads to a monitor that showed my brain activity like waves on a heart monitor.

Every ten minutes my brain flatlined, and every ten minutes I would get distracted by the mountains becoming a loud angry plain. I can't even remember the inane tasks I was doing now. Something with blocks? And some sort of book?

And all tests came back positive. I had ADHD- and my attention span was sadly only ten minutes. I tried not to be smug that I had been right, my mother seemed surprise I had.

I failed at not being smug on the way home. BUt that was alright, I had a reason I wasn't like everyone else. A reason homework was hard, a reason focusing was hard, a reason everything was-

It didn't stop my parents calling me lazy, and the medications repeatedly made me sick so I stopped taking them. (Maybe, someday, I could try again, but that day is not now and I am a grown ass adult who has some coping mechanisms)

The dread I got when doing homework, and the way my heart raced?

Yeah anyways turns out that part was a general anxiety disorder. Got hit Twice Baby

[3dsmall]

I do disability caregiving and i think trash hoarding is almost literally universally the result of people not having the amount of disability support they need. Someone who lives like that needs more help than theyre getting. People can have very uneven skills. Any mental health condition can cause that kind of functional impairment and come with uneven skills where someone can function in one sphere but not another. Someone with high social awareness but messed up executive function may prioritize seeming normal over their actual physical safety or just be able to meet expectation in some spheres but not others. Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (many people with fetal alcohol are normal or high iq but have the degree of executive function issues as someone who is dd may have), autism, adhd are other reasons someone might be able to function in some environments but not at home. It's horrible youve had to deal with this and take on so much, it sounds like youve put a lot in and its very understandable to resent the people who have put this on you, but it isn't a moral failing at all when people have this problem. Its the behavior of someone who cannot handle the demands of their life. Doing disability support for people who do this when they dont have care, basically everyone does want to live better, if they can get the amount of help they need to do it . Its sad people dont get the disability support they need and its really horrible it all falls to you to clean up

good things to keep in mind. i don't really quite understand how something gets identified as an executive functioning issue or how executive function is defined.

you sound like a very empathetic person who has done a lot to help people and to understand people and i commend you for that.

i think describing anyone's irl behaviors as moral failure is inherently deficient. in my head i call it 'insufficiently descriptive' bc, as you've pointed out, a multitude of factors can contribute to behavior we see as 'bad'. identifying and understanding these factors can help improve the world in ways that mere moral judgments cannot.

i feel frustrated though, somehow, with how the disability category seems to be expanding along with 'mental illness'. it's hard to say why! i guess i think that under capitalism, doctors and health aides can be paid either to help people with significant functional impairments/needs OR people with behavioral issues that can only be attributed to non-ontological unprovable un-test-for-able psychological conditions. both categories of person deserve safety and respect, both need help, and neither are culpable. However, only one category can be helped via behavioral intervention, addressing skill deficits and developing habits. there is much to learn, but i kind of question how these categories get collapsed.

i might not be making any sense and i get hung up on how things are defined. nothing wrong w/ yr ask, i am just getting some thoughts out.

[mechanicalsquid]

feeling the Eldest Daughter Syndrome™ a bit lately plus other ✨ emotions ✨ so this is a little rambly, venty post about that.

(tw's for some very brief mentions of depression and anxiety)

I want to be a kid again. When was the last time I was a kid? carefree? was I ever a kid? in elementary school I was the "gifted kid", the "mature" one, always put on a pedestal as the example for my brothers. always used as a comparison. my parents asking "why can't your brothers be more like you?" what they saw was a daughter with straight A's while a leader on their robotics team, a successful athlete, and balancing other clubs. this is what they saw up through college, 8+ years of this. 8-12 fucking years. over half my life. what they didn't see was how much that broke me. they never saw that I would wake up at 4:30 in the morning (a habit started in fourth grade) in order to do my homework. because I a) couldn't focus after school due to likely having undiagnosed adhd, and b) was so exhausted. by the end of high school, my typical routine was: up between 5-6, do homework, go to school from 7-2:30, go to cross country/track/robotics from 3-5, and then would often stay till 6 or 7 doing extra testing or drive practice for robotics, go home to eat and do dishes and maybe attempt more homework before passing out at midnight. my entire life revolved around school and extracurriculars, never proper time for friends. a similar story through college. they didn't see how much of myself was lost after pouring it into college. the burnout that resulted. they never saw the panic attacks or breakdowns, how bad my mental health declined, the nights crying myself to sleep because everything was so overwhelming and because I would be a disappointment if I didn't perform to the expectations set for me. because the one time I did tell my mom that I felt depressed, she invalidated my feelings and said that maybe I was just anxious and should just try eating better. because later that summer, after a camping trip with friends, she told me that "being depressed isn't an excuse and you need to suck it up" because I didn't engage "properly" and "wasn't having fun" with everyone. I can't show negative emotions without consequences. I must always be happy. I must always be on my best behavior. I must be the role model. perfect. always perfect. no mistakes. If I fail, no, if /I'm/ a failure all Hell breaks loose. I'm an awful daughter (where did my mom go wrong? what did she do to deserve this?). if I do something wrong or make a mistake then I'm terrible. if my brothers make a mistake or forget to do something, it's my fault for not reminding them (even though one is almost 20). all outrage, all emotions are directed to me. through me. I will never have the peace after a hurricane. if my parents are able to calmly talk to my brother about a task or something he did wrong, it's likely because they have no rage left after using it on me, leaving me a sobbing mess. I will always take the blame, whether by choice or not. will take the brunt of the force, protecting my brothers without them knowing. they will never know. defending my youngest brother before my mom can yell at him (her form of communication. she wonders why my brothers and I have a hard time properly communicating with each other. I don't). being his parent for 12 years so he actually has one. so he can experience kindness and compassion. so he actually has someone who understands what he's dealing with with his adhd and doesn't just dismiss him or yell at him because of the way his symptoms present. trying to re-parent myself in the process. being scared of myself whenever I become my parents. trying to rid myself of them. of their anger. of their disappointment. of all of it. will I ever be rid of it? will I ever be just me? how long will their rage consume me? have I already been consumed? when did they corrupt me? I want to be a kid again. was I ever a kid? can one be a kid if they are their own parent? I will always be the parent, the therapist. the one my parents and friends vent to. the one trying to fix everyone else. the one who needs fixing. I want to be fixed. I want to be loved. I don't want to be a parent anymore. I want to be a kid. I will never be a kid.

[verdantmeadows]

I've been questioning if I have dyslexia lately, although I'm very confident I have dyscalculia. It's complicated. I am a fast reader (~800 WPM I think?) and have been able to read with ease since I was a child (around 2, I learned before I went to preschool). I've never shied away from large books or extensive reading. And I love reading! I've never had difficulty with it. But when writing, I often omit letters or put them in the wrong places, or I write my words out of order. I have extreme trouble understanding multi-step processes and often fail tests because I miss a detail in a word question or accidentally skip over one of the multiple choice options. I'm very good at guessing how words sound because it's so easy to notice the patterns in the word's origin, and I was also taught Greek and Latin roots in school. I often need to use a straight line/edge underneath each line in order to read, otherwise my eyes skip around to lines above or below it. And sometimes I need to reread something because the first few times I tried to read it, it didn't make sense. But words don't shake for me or anything. Everyone I know with dyslexia says they shake or move around. And although this doesn't impact my ability to read for fun or type stuff, it very much impacts my ability to write/transcribe and also impacts my ability to read instructions or questions on tests. If I try to make a recipe, I often miss a step because I accidentally didn't realize it was there. I tried taking some screenings. But I never had trouble reading as a kid and still don't so I don't know. But these are issues that definitely affect me academically. Words like homophones don't bother me at all, but I did learn special ways to remember them, and I just care a lot about proper spelling. I've never had issues with learning how to spell words except for a few challenge ones, like definitely, occasionally, successfully. A lot of the screening questions seem to be based off of fear? Like, I LOVE reading out loud and I'm great at it, but while I do it I constantly misread the words in my head, I just correct myself mentally before I get to the word verbally. And when it comes to speaking, I often swap the beginning sounds of words.

This doesn't really help because like, I don't really have a lot? But my issues with writing is definitely an issue and impacts me, and it impacts my speech a lot, and it DOES make it hard to read, I have trouble focusing on the page and text which I think is more of an ADHD thing?? I Just. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's probably not dyslexia because everyone I know with dyslexia describes it as way worse and I am an incredibly good reader and these issues have never impacted my enjoyment of reading, I just learned how to deal with them on my own, plus I was an early reader thanks to my mom. I just. I do not know. I would like to know what this issue is but I feel like it's not severe enough to be dyslexia.

I also doubt dyscalculia, like, I usually swap numbers in their places, misread numbers and swap those places, swap the + or - sign or write the wrong math sign in general in equations, and then end up just getting C's or lower on math tests despite understanding the concepts. I also can't like count scores or count money at all. And I have trouble using a calculator because it's hard to put the numbers in the right order. And I think that's all normal though?? But when I first learned about dyscalculia, it was from a girl who said she just can't read the time ever because the numbers swap or they shake. And just...they don't shake for me. And time is easy because there's a : in-between the hour and the other numbers. I just don't know. I'm sure this is all actually very normal and I'm just trying to pathologize myself into having an issue when I do not.

[kayleafeon]

What to do when:

depressed

no motivation

have test on wednesday, midterm on thursday, quiz on friday that haven't studied for

have philosophy paper due friday already got week extension for haven't started yet

have computer science assignment due friday haven't started yet

can't start computer science assignment until past 4 completed, only done one so far

been sick for a week and and an extra weekend

mental health is trashed

completely torpedoed personal life a month ago over something really stupid

too anxious about everything to make progress on anything

also too anxious to talk to profs about struggling

can't even tell the whole story of why personal life torpedoed because of sensitive topics involved

no therapist and waitlists are 6 months+

have to go home and deal with family from friday evening through to wednesday morning next week, knowing they'll poke about personal life but not being able to explain fully because sensitive topics again

only real community you have is in the university city but not at the university and very far away from hometown with family

so overwhelmed you just shut down

can't stop deflecting and avoiding responsibilities

probably going to fail out of program

can't even care though because everything is meaningless and i don't even want to be in this program anyway

only reason i'm still here is because i like the program's student society and the ring that i get if i graduate

been spending money on lottery tickets instead of anything useful because the scratching noise is the only thing that calms you anymore

know that in posting this your sister and your ex might see it but don't know where else to go

could go to advice reddit but post would probably be removed by mods and/or people wouldn't give helpful advice

everything feels pointless anyway with world as it is atm

feel bad for not feeling worse about that and just being numb to it

also feel bad for not trying hard enough to make it better or to do better myself

kinda just want to stop existing but only to the point of somewhat reckless carelessness not any actual ideas

just need to write everything out somewhere because otherwise going to scream

also have doctor's appt next week that will change nothing because the family doctor is retiring and can't be bothered to switch medications, just increase dosages

which we've already tried twice and isn't helping btw

and this is how i'm feeling while on the antidepressants and adhd medication

only thing i actually want to do is sleep and kinda strangely donate blood but i can't do the latter for another 2 months

sounding increasingly unhinged as post continues

oh i guess i also want to play league but i've managed to stick to my conviction of not allowing kernel level anticheats on my laptops for almost a year and it's kinda the only thing i've got going for me at this point

missed out on the one community i enjoy's events for two events in a row because sick

writing this all during a cs lecture because i can't even pretend that i am focused or understand what's going on

know that this is probably enough info to doxx me but can't bring myself to care

kinda hope one of my classmates or profs find this

feel bad about eating out a lot because of public speaking presentation from yesterday

likewise about not exercising because of my own group's public speaking presentation from last week

need to respond to people who were going to play pandemic legacy campaign with me to say it's cancelled because im too depressed

also need to read stuff for philosophy class in <1 hour but can't be bothered

might just talk to my philosophy prof about everything because she's pretty chill and it's a small class and it's not required for me to graduate so i can always drop the class if needed

also really don't want to fail the term though because it would fuck up scheduling with the few people that i actually know and i would just be even more alone

wish i could just start on things before they were due but can't even manage that after failing two courses last term

why can't i make my stupid brain learn

i want to just live at home and sleep and do nothing all day but living at home is even more stressful because my mom is always making me clean stuff if i'm "not doing anything important" and gets mad if i say that i'm too mentally exhausted from existing

could just leave and go sleep at the park nearby but then i'd be too out in the open

esp seeing as that park is very interlinked with my trauma

but also just don't want to have to deal with any people at all whatsoever

desk leaving angry red marks on my forearms while i type but can't be bothered to change my position

wanna go back to before i had awareness of the world around me and/or quarantine times when staying home doing nothing was normal

hate hate hate adult life i don't want it why can't i just be a child of a billionaire who is set for life in terms of money but doesn't have to talk to anyone including parents

why can't i just motivate myself like everyone else

realize i sound very much like an angsty 14 year old and hate myself even more for it

how does everyone else manage

actually found myself staring at the kitchen knives at a convenience store and thinking about how relieving it would be to run the edge of one over my skin and let myself bleed just a little bit before realizing how fucked up that is and forcing myself to walk away from the aisle

don't understand how my mental health has gotten this bad, it doesn't make any sense

why is it worse now than when i figured out what had actually happened was traumatic i thought i had processed most of it why now why now why now it doesn't make sense

i just want everything to stop, just for a moment, please

If you have any advice please share because idk what to do atp.