#sqyd speaks

[mechanicalsquid]

just watched Nimona and can I just say it's *chef's kiss*. the clear queerness of Ballister and Ambrosious from the very beginning, no hiding it or hinting that it exists, and how they navigate their relationship throughout the course of the narrative. struggling to trust one another and questioning what they mean to each other while being pitted against each other by the system. the trans/nonbinary interpretation of Nimona (whether intentional or not) and how (like trans/nonbinary/queer people) she just wants to live her life but everyone else can only see her as a monster, society twisting and shaping history to benefit everyone else and convincing everyone that She is the one to fear. and also the way that her rage is shown! her rage and anger are real and justified, and it almost becomes a vicious cycle where people are scared of her because of her destruction, but she causes havoc because she's angry that people are afraid of her no matter how hard she tries to be good, so then she plays into that role and decides that if people view her as a monster and that's all they see her as, she might as well be the scariest monster out there and give them a reason to be scared. and breaking that cycle is sooo hard but sometimes all you need is one other person to look at you and believe that you're a good person. and the art and animation are phenomenal! so many little details, like the way her eyes catch the light and you can see fire reflected in them. the whole thing is just so good

[leadendeath]

FOUND IT

does anyone have the I SEEN IT WITH MY EYEBALLS death grips audio post which includes a really fuckered up lookin dog picture... it'll sound less wtf when i find it i promise

[realwealthindia]

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[mechanicalsquid]

been wanting to dip my toes into paganism for a couple months and decided to celebrate Samhain today! still not really sure how I want paganism to look for me and I think just a little here or there is good for now, so today I focused on just being mindful, grounded, and thankful for the life around me. started with lighting some candles and then used a small pumpkin gifted by a friend to bake muffins, roasted the seeds, and fed the pulp to our dogs who absolutely loved it. i also made some cider with the last of our apples and oranges and then spent some time knitting with the dogs. overall just a peaceful day full of purpose. it's been a rough couple of months, and the last week in particular hasn't been the greatest, so having a day to celebrate life and find purpose (even if just for a day) feels really nice and motivating. and what better day to lift the spirits than when the wheel of the year has finished its cycle and is about to start the next one

[mechanicalsquid]

feeling the Eldest Daughter Syndrome™ a bit lately plus other ✨ emotions ✨ so this is a little rambly, venty post about that.

(tw's for some very brief mentions of depression and anxiety)

I want to be a kid again. When was the last time I was a kid? carefree? was I ever a kid? in elementary school I was the "gifted kid", the "mature" one, always put on a pedestal as the example for my brothers. always used as a comparison. my parents asking "why can't your brothers be more like you?" what they saw was a daughter with straight A's while a leader on their robotics team, a successful athlete, and balancing other clubs. this is what they saw up through college, 8+ years of this. 8-12 fucking years. over half my life. what they didn't see was how much that broke me. they never saw that I would wake up at 4:30 in the morning (a habit started in fourth grade) in order to do my homework. because I a) couldn't focus after school due to likely having undiagnosed adhd, and b) was so exhausted. by the end of high school, my typical routine was: up between 5-6, do homework, go to school from 7-2:30, go to cross country/track/robotics from 3-5, and then would often stay till 6 or 7 doing extra testing or drive practice for robotics, go home to eat and do dishes and maybe attempt more homework before passing out at midnight. my entire life revolved around school and extracurriculars, never proper time for friends. a similar story through college. they didn't see how much of myself was lost after pouring it into college. the burnout that resulted. they never saw the panic attacks or breakdowns, how bad my mental health declined, the nights crying myself to sleep because everything was so overwhelming and because I would be a disappointment if I didn't perform to the expectations set for me. because the one time I did tell my mom that I felt depressed, she invalidated my feelings and said that maybe I was just anxious and should just try eating better. because later that summer, after a camping trip with friends, she told me that "being depressed isn't an excuse and you need to suck it up" because I didn't engage "properly" and "wasn't having fun" with everyone. I can't show negative emotions without consequences. I must always be happy. I must always be on my best behavior. I must be the role model. perfect. always perfect. no mistakes. If I fail, no, if /I'm/ a failure all Hell breaks loose. I'm an awful daughter (where did my mom go wrong? what did she do to deserve this?). if I do something wrong or make a mistake then I'm terrible. if my brothers make a mistake or forget to do something, it's my fault for not reminding them (even though one is almost 20). all outrage, all emotions are directed to me. through me. I will never have the peace after a hurricane. if my parents are able to calmly talk to my brother about a task or something he did wrong, it's likely because they have no rage left after using it on me, leaving me a sobbing mess. I will always take the blame, whether by choice or not. will take the brunt of the force, protecting my brothers without them knowing. they will never know. defending my youngest brother before my mom can yell at him (her form of communication. she wonders why my brothers and I have a hard time properly communicating with each other. I don't). being his parent for 12 years so he actually has one. so he can experience kindness and compassion. so he actually has someone who understands what he's dealing with with his adhd and doesn't just dismiss him or yell at him because of the way his symptoms present. trying to re-parent myself in the process. being scared of myself whenever I become my parents. trying to rid myself of them. of their anger. of their disappointment. of all of it. will I ever be rid of it? will I ever be just me? how long will their rage consume me? have I already been consumed? when did they corrupt me? I want to be a kid again. was I ever a kid? can one be a kid if they are their own parent? I will always be the parent, the therapist. the one my parents and friends vent to. the one trying to fix everyone else. the one who needs fixing. I want to be fixed. I want to be loved. I don't want to be a parent anymore. I want to be a kid. I will never be a kid.

[mechanicalsquid]

Love

what a wondrous thing

known by many

understood by few

but what does it mean?

how does one Love?

is it the feeling of watching a sunset

or your dog curled up in your lap?

or is it cuddling your partner

after they woke up from a nap?

what about laughing with your best friend

until your tummies begin to hurt?

or taking time for yourself

to not be overworked?

there are infinite ways to Love

each incredibly unique

and no type of Love

is superior like they say

everyone feels Love

in many different ways

even if there is no good test

to identify which way

some say i can't feel Love

but i find that to be untrue

i have so much Love to give

that i must put it to use

i may not know what Love i have

but i certainly know i feel

i feel so much

sometimes too great

that at times my bursting heart

begins to ache

i hold onto my Love to give

keeping it safe out of fear

fear of revealing how much i hold

of letting my heart empty

what once was full is now gone

but something great about that is

that something empty can always be filled

replenished to continue giving

from now on i won't hoard my Love

i'll make sure everyone knows

knows how much i Love my friends

my family, dogs, and sunsets

how much i Love playing like a kid

how much i Love Love Love

i still don't know what Love i feel

but all that matters is that i feel

[mechanicalsquid]

i wish to take a meat tenderizer to my heart

to my lungs

pulling chunks off my brain

dicing, chopping, and slicing every organ

every tissue

marinating the pieces in my blood

in any other fluid this body contains

dumping everything into one large pot

large enough to make a stew

something hearty to feed the souls of others

to warm their own bodies

to give them the strength to carry on

to finally put this body to use

[mechanicalsquid]

sitting down to draw will be like:

gets everything set up

space out for 30 minutes

put on a video for background noise

draws for 10 minutes

gets distracted by video

draws for 10 minutes

spaces out on phone

stares at drawing

thinks about biting one of the ten pencils I'm awkwardly holding in one hand

draws furiously for 5 minutes

*don't spill your drink, DON'T SPILL YOUR DRINK*

spaces out again

realize you haven't eaten or gone to the bathroom for several hours

rinse and repeat several times until satisfied with progress or until hands hurt