#i accidentally typed chicken brother

[alittlepudge-neverhurtnobody]

kinktober #27

Boozy Belly 🍺 / Dragon's Hoard 🐉

Marcille and Falin’s housewarming party is Kabru’s first time seeing where his friends live. He’d met Marcille first, at the queer affinity lunch hosted in the university library every month, and then Falin last semester when her schedule changed and she could finally attend the lunches too. They’ve hung out outside the library before, to co-work in cafes and do karaoke in Chinatown and, on one particularly memorable occasion, even went to an on-campus brain dissection Falin was excited about. Kabru and Marcille spent most of the dissection event playing What Would You Rather? under their breath, at least until Falin shushed them and they switched to M*A*S*H*, shaking with silent giggles like they were both in seventh grade again. By the end of the event they’d made a paper fortune teller and transposed all of their M*A*S*H* outcomes inside. 

(“Pick one,” Kabru said to Falin as they rode the train off campus, and she pointed to the flap labeled amygdala. He spelled it out with the fortune teller, then had her pick again. This time she chose hippocampus, spelled it out again, and held out her last options: hypothalamus, pituitary, brain stem, cerebellum. She picked cerebellum, and he opened the corresponding fortune.

“You’re going to live in a shack, drive a scooter, marry Shuro and have eight children with him, and you’ll be working as a forklift driver.”

“Marcille!” yelped Falin. “You put Shuro in there?”

“As a joke!”

“What’s wrong with Shuro?” asked Kabru interestedly. He knew he worked with Marcille at the library, but didn’t know much more about him than that. 

“Shuro’s fine,” said Marcille, though Falin frowned. “He just wildly misread the reason Falin was spending so much time at the circ desk before we started dating and got his panties in a twist about it.”

“I didn’t mean to lead him on,” said Falin, leaning into Marcille as the train swayed.

Marcille rolled her eyes. “If anyone was at fault in that situation, it wasn’t you, Falin. Shuro completely blasted past the insane gay vibe you give off. I just put him in because I thought maybe Kabru would think he was hot.”

Kabru had almost laughed. Shuro was tall and slender, with the kind of waifish, moody mystique people associated with fictional vampires. “No, he’s not my type. Like, the total opposite.”

Kabru is thinking of that now, in Falin and Marcille’s small and charmingly cluttered living room, less than six feet from a guy who really, truly, furiously is his type. He’s got a pretty good guess as to who he is, because he’s the spitting image of Falin and he knows she’s got a brother. Like Falin, he’s built tall and sturdy, lush with extra padding — Kabru knows Falin used to play college rugby because Marcille has swooned about it, and this guy has the same look of an overfed former athlete who hasn’t kept up with his training or diet. His dark red t-shirt is a little too snug, the soft, wobbly flab of his belly pressing at the fabric so that Kabru can see exactly where his navel dimples into his skin and where the fat at the very bottom of his belly softens into a gentle peach cleft. It’s like catnip to Kabru. He can practically feel his pupils dilating even though the room is solely lit by a mushroom-shaped lamp cycling through all the colors of the rainbow. If he weren’t already two of Marcille’s signature extra-strength sangria into the night, he might finagle a more seamless introduction, melt into the existing conversation or accidentally bump hands as they reached for an appetizer on the folding table in the corner. 

But the guy isn’t talking to anyone else. He’s just nursing a beer and hovering over the crockpot of buffalo chicken dip. As Kabru watches, he takes a spoon from one of the plastic cups full of disposable utensils and bends over to eat a mouthful of dip right out of the pot. 

Which, in this state, is all the in that Kabru really needs.

“Mind if I get in there, big guy?” he says, sidling up to the table. Big guy? He has no idea where that comes from. Thanks a lot, Marcille. 

“No, of course!” says the guy, squeezing himself into the corner to give Kabru more room than he needs. “The dip is really good. And so are the mac and cheese bites. And the antipasto skewers. And the —”

“I’m Kabru,” says Kabru, sticking his hand out. “You’re Falin’s brother, right?”

“Yes!” says the guy, pumping his hand. “I’m Laios. Do you go to school with Falin?”

“Sort of. We’re at the same university, but I’m getting my master’s in psychology, so I’m in a different department. But we both go to the queer lunches in the library every month, which is how I met her and Marcille.”

Laios grins. “Oh, you’re queer, too! That’s great!”

“Um … yes? Are you?”

Laios bobs his head and goes back in for more buffalo chicken dip, this time with a plastic cup. Satisfied, he licks around the rim and sticks his spoon inside. “Uh-huh. I just don’t really care about gender. I mean, I care about my gender, at least mostly. And I care about other people’s genders in the sense that, you know, I respect them, of course. But it doesn’t really matter one way or the other to me what gender someone is. I like everyone.”

He chases the words with a big gulp of beer, and Kabru nods slowly, taking it all in. He can’t tell if the guy is chatty, drunk, or both. “Cool,” he says. “I’m gay. Are you in school too?”

Laios shakes his head, spooning out a bite of buffalo dip from his cup. The mushroom light casts him in red, then green, then blue. “No, not anymore! I work at the wild animal sanctuary a few towns over, you know, the really big one? It’s over thirty thousand acres.”

“Oh, wow,” says Kabru. “What kind of animals?”

“Everything! We have a lot of big cats, and a bunch of wolves, and some bears, and almost thirty wild horses, too.” He lowers his voice and leans in closer to Kabru. “I don’t like zoos because they can be so sad sometimes, but the sanctuary isn’t like that! Every animal has so much space to roam and we try to make their habitats as similar to their natural ones as possible. And I handle a lot of the enrichment, which is cool. This week all the big cats and the wolves and bears got pumpkins to play with and eat. They love them.” He beams, and Kabru can’t help but grin back. His hay-blond hair flops over his forehead, and his honey-brown eyes are big and earnest. Kabru can just picture him heaving pumpkins into animals’ enclosures, muscles shifting beneath fat in his plump upper arms.

“That’s awesome,” says Kabru, taking an antipasto skewer and eating it slowly, saving the olive for last. There’s a bit of fuzz or something stuck to Laios’s shirt just above his left pec, and he can’t stop staring at it. It’s not that often that he looks at a guy and thinks, I want to suck his tits, but here he is. He’s gonna blame the sangria.

“Oh, hey — you have something,” he says in an attempt to save himself, plucking the errant fluff from the swell of Laios’s chest with his breath trapped in his throat. 

“Dog hair, probably,” says Laios with a laugh. “I have three of them and they’re all light-colored: a big samoyed-husky mix, a lab-pit mix, and a shepherd mix who’s actually part wolf.”

Kabru’s eyes go wide. “Is that even legal here?”

“Of course,” says Laios, suddenly serious. “I wouldn’t do anything to endanger him. I want him to have the best life possible.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” Kabru backtracks. “Yeah, obviously. I just don’t meet a lot of people with wolf dogs.”

“Wanna see?” Laios is already taking out his camera. “That’s Kensuke, the one who’s part wolf. It means ‘strength’ or ‘vitality’ in Japanese, because he had a hard early life but he made it through and he’s such a good dog now! This one, the husky mix, is Chimera, because she has that mane in front like a lion! And the lab mix, this one, is Smok. It’s Polish for ‘dragon’ because she has the worst breath.”

“Are you Polish?” says Kabru, trying to keep up.

“Me? A little, but I really just liked the word. It sounds cute, right? Like a small dragon, Smok!”

“It’s cute,” Kabru agrees. “Hey, I’m going to grab another drink. You want one?”

“I’ll come with you,” says Laios, tipping the rest of his beer down his throat and following suit with his cup of buffalo dip. He burps gently and puts a hand on the curve of his belly. “’Scuse me. I could use another beer. And I heard Marcille say something about cheesecake earlier.”

Kabru lets Laios lead the way, only a little bit so he can check out his ass, which is as plump and wide as the rest of him. His khaki pants are straining a bit, the seams starting to pucker, and Kabru savors the jiggle of his back fat and love handles as he moves. 

Marcille and Falin are hanging out in the kitchen with Namari, who Kabru also knows from the queer lunch group. Namari is short, fat, and butch, and although Kabru doesn’t know them well, he respects what she’s got going on. For a while she was talking about trying to organize an axe-throwing group from the lunch attendees; he makes a note to ask if she ever succeeded.

Marcille sees him first and waves. Laios gravitates to Falin and Namari right away, and Marcille seizes the opportunity to shoot him an evil look.

“I see you’ve met Laios?”

“Yes?” says Kabru defensively, although he’s not sure what he’s defending. “We were talking.”

“Mmm-hmm,” says Marcille. “More sangria?”

Kabru nods. “With ice. How much brandy did you put in there?”

Marcille shrugs. “I measure with my heart. Isn’t he exactly your type? Are you dying?”

“Was this your plan all along?” he asks suspiciously, pieces starting to fall together. “Setting us up?”

“Were we wrong?”

Kabru scowls and slugs from the sangria she hands him. “No. But I think I’m slightly too drunk for the way he talks. I don’t want to be! But I am. Let’s play a drinking game or something so we’re all on the same level.”

Marcille shrugs. “Works for me.”

Which is how Kabru ends up sitting on the floor next to Laios, trying not to ogle his stomach where it flops heavily into his lap, his pants where they strain around his thick hips and thighs. He can always tell when he’s passed a certain threshold of drunk by how he catches himself just staring blankly at things. Luckily, Laios keeps losing at King’s Cup, so he hasn’t noticed that Kabru stares even harder every time he chases a swallow of beer with a belch. 

And then Laios gets up and misses a turn, which means he has to chug when he comes back with yet another beer, which he does, knocking the whole thing back in a few heavy gulps. He sets the empty can behind him and pulls out a paper plate piled with mini cheesecakes, and Kabru catches his breath. It’s not, like, a normal person amount of mini desserts to have on a plate. It’s, like, twenty.

“Oh, my god, Laios,” shrieks Marcille from across the circle. “Leave some dessert for everyone else!”

“I get hungry when I drink!” he retorts, slurring a little as he curls protectively over his plate. “And they’re so good!”

“Okay, well, it’s my turn to decide a rule anyway,” says Marcille, tossing her long blond braid over her shoulder. “I declare that Laios has to play the next three rounds with cheesecake instead of beer.”

Fortunately, and also unfortunately, for Kabru, Laios is so bad at this game that the cheesecakes disappear pretty quickly. He also, Kabru is discovering, is genuinely kind of delightful. He takes everything very literally and has the kind of comedic timing that can’t be learned and probably comes from decades of being the one outside the joke, but Kabru’s charmed by it. So many people he knows are so obsessed with trying to make themselves seem funnier or cooler or sexier they are and it’s so clearly a performance, but not Laios. Nothing about him seems to be anything but what it is, and it’s refreshing. And also, the guy can eat a lot of cheesecake, which is one of Kabru’s favorite qualities in a man.

He refills his plate and comes back with another beer, and when he takes his seat again next to Kabru, he’s panting a little.

“Oh, man,” he says, hiccuping. “You know when you don’t realize how drunk you are ’til you stand up? That’s me right now.”

“Eat something,” says Kabru, patting his pudgy knee. Laios turns a tipsy, beatific smile at him. 

“You’re so right. And I have so much cheesecake.”

Kabru nods. “Eat the cheesecake,” he says, “it’ll help,” and it has to be sangria that compels him to pick one up and feed it to Laios, who accepts it happily and belches after swallowing.

A few more rounds and Laios’s shirt is struggling even harder to cover the soft, swollen roll of his gut. He’s not so bloated that his belly isn’t still wobbling, and between its gentle jiggle and the little huffs and puffs of effort he makes when he moves. He keeps letting out little burps that he’s either too gone to notice or thinks no one else can hear over the general laughter and hubbub of the party, but Kabru can hear. He’s savoring each one, watching Laios’s gut jump and jiggle when he hiccups and appreciating how efficiently he’s putting away his veritable three dozen cheesecakes.

Finally, the game winds down when Falin nods off on Marcille’s shoulder, and Kabru follows Laios unsteadily over to the loveseat by the window. He flops down heavily, his whole midsection wobbling with the impact and his refilled beer almost sloshing over the rim of his cup, and Kabru takes it upon himself to get him some water to recuperate from the massive glut of calories he’s consumed in the last hour.

“Thanks,” says Laios when Kabru presents it to him, and he slugs down half of it in one go and lets out a rumbling belch. “Oh, god, I’m so — hic — full. I never drink this much beer.”

“I think the thirty cheesecakes might have also been a factor,” says Kabru gently, squeezing himself onto the half of the loveseat Laios isn’t sprawled across, big belly hanging out of his t-shirt, pink stretch marks just visible in the rainbow mushroom light.

Laios groans. “And I ate before coming! Some of my coworkers invited me out for dinner and I couldn’t — hic — say no.” He sips at his beer, then his water. “We went out for barbecue and you can’t just — hic — eat a little barbecue.”

“Wait,” says Kabru. “You were in the kitchen eating mac and cheese when I got here! And then when I found you in here, you were eating buffalo dip out of the pot!”

“I have a big — hic — appetite,” says Laios with a sheepish grin. “I could probably eat for most of the day before I got too — hic-urrrrp — full to keep going. ’Scuse me, oof. I need to — hic — unbutton my pants. Do you mind?”

“God, no,” says Kabru, wide-eyed.

Laios pops the button of his khakis and leans back, stomach spilling forward into the sudden space. “That’s better,” he sighs, rubbing at the crest of his belly idly. “Oh, man, I can hear it sloshing. Can you hear that?”

Eyes even wider, Kabru shakes his head. Laios motions him in, and Kabru, suddenly uncertain that he’s not in some kind of kinky feeder dream, gently rests his head on Laios’s stuffed belly. Sure enough, he can hear all the little squiggly noises of digestion it’s making as it tries to process the massive amount he’s eaten. 

Fever dream. Not feeder dream. For the love of god. 

Laios hic-urrps again, and Kabru feels his stomach jump beneath him. He pulls back, but scoots a little closer.

“I could rub your belly,” he offers, barely even sure he’s still speaking English. “If you want. If it would help.”

“Please?” Laios says, his head lolling toward Kabru with puppy-dog eyes so intense he must have learned them from his own dogs. “I feel so heavy. But I wanna finish my beer first.”

“I don’t know if —” Kabru tries to say, but Laios gropes around on the end table until he finds the plastic cup and drains it in a couple of loud, strenuous swallows. He belches once, then again, then angles himself toward Kabru with some difficulty, belly jiggling helplessly as the Jell-O shots one of the other library queers was passing out earlier. 

“Thanks,” he says dreamily, eyes flickering shut as Kabru puts his hand on his belly experimentally. Despite how much he’s eaten, most of his stomach is luxuriously, tantalizingly doughy, and he grabs at it as gently as he can, aware that his force modulation right now is not at its best.

“Mmmmm,” groans Laios, and Kabru splays his hand over the expanse of his gut and begins rubbing circles into the warm skin, noting the sunken threads of old stretch marks and the red rivers of new ones, wondering just how long Laios has been putting on weight since his jock days. Wondering how much he’s put on, to be this soft and wobbly even when he’s stuffed full of fat and carbs. 

“You’re good at this,” says Laios, finding Kabru’s free hand with his own and lacing their fingers together. He gives it a hearty squeeze, more than Kabru would have expected for how drunk he is. “Have you done this before?”

“Yes,” mumbles Kabru.

“Wow,” sighs Laios. He hiccups once more, and then he’s snoring heavily on the couch, belly flopping out for all to see. Kabru tries his best to tug his shirt down to give him dignity, but he’s got a lot of stomach and not that much shirt to work with, so in the end he grabs a blanket from the basket in the corner and just tosses it over him.

He’s in no state to go home himself, so he helps Marcille set up the air mattress for Namari and drags a giant bean bag over by the couch for himself. He dozes off a few feet from Laios, sleepy drunk fantasies about taking him on food crawls and dressing him in tight clothes lulling him off.

He wakes up to Namari picking herself up off the floor, the air mattress having deflated completely in the night. They share a stifled giggle at the absurdity of it all, despite their pounding hangovers, and he helps her roll up the air mattress before she takes off. He follows her out, but not far — he splits off at the coffee shop a few storefronts down, and decides to be the best friend any of them will have this morning and lugs a growler of cold brew, a dozen doughnuts, and half a dozen breakfast sandwiches with varying fillings back up to Falin and Marcille’s. He’s the only one up, so he fumbles around the kitchen and googles their oven to figure out how to put the sandwiches in to warm. Possibly he’s still drunk. There’s actually a very strong likelihood that he’s still drunk. It doesn’t matter. He’s going to be the friend group hero this morning. And more importantly, he’s gonna get Laios’s number when he wakes up, and he is gonna feed him so many carbs.

[quitealotofsodapop]

LMK assorted Spider Gang LMK headcanons/theories

sequel to this post. Focusing on the Spider Gang cus I just finished reading that section of Journey to the West.

Spider Queen:

Spider Queen was one of seven sisters... seven sisters who fell to Monkey King's staff after trying to capture Tripitaka/Tang Sanzang for their master; Hundred-Eyed Demon Lord/Centipede Demon. Spider Queen was the only survivor of the fight besides the sisters' adoptive sons. She has spent the last countless years trying to rebuild the family and home she once had, accidentally becoming a "queen" of spider demon-kind in the process.

The Hundred-Eyed Demon Lord's current status is unknown. Spider Queen doesn't care. Her former "brother" refused to give up the Tang monk in exchange for the safety of his sisters. She views this as the ultimate betrayal from someone she had considered her mentor/older brother. She did steal his alchemy supplies though, hence her cauldron.

Spider Queen actually lost her legs in her and Wukong's original fight - hence why she uses a mechanical lower body. Modern mobility aids yall.

Spider Queen also has beef (accidental Pun) with Zhu Bajie for harassing her and her sisters when they were bathing. Homeboy really went so creepy that they predatory spider demons didn't even wanna eat him. Even Pigsy's brief lapse of braincells when he first met Spider Queen was more polite than what his predecesor did.

Spider Queen's motherly nature extends beyond her clan. It's why LBD deliberately possessed a child to approach her - she knew Spider Queen would think twice about hurting "just a little girl". Spider Queen even gets a little protective over MK once she starts talking to him on an equal level.

Syntax:

Syntax was once a scientist who worked at the Weather Station. When the station was damaged by Red Son and MK's fighting in "Bad Weather"; he got scapegoated by the company as it's lead programmer and was fired. This gives him mega resentment towards both the Monkie Kid gang and the DBK family specifically.

He ran into Spider Queen while trying to find work as a freelance programmer. She needed someone to design a delivery system for her venom that didn't require her biting every single victim's neck. Syntax scoffed and went "I could just program a swarm of mini-robots to do it for you. We use similar drones while cloud-seeding at the station." and the rest is history.

Syntax's name is not only a programming reference, but is a ref to a type of spider family called Synotaxidae - related to Huntsmans and Black Widows (family <3). His name in Mandarian is "Liù yǎn zhū"/六眼蛛 meaning "Six-eyed Spider", which could be a glasses joke from the rest of the spider gang (who normally have four eyes) or a reference to a species in the same family - a six-eyed sand spider, known for their reclusive natures, and having the most powerful venom of any spider species. Hilarious if Syntax ever accidentally bit someone and it was a 1-hit KO.

The antidote made by Red Son wouldn't have worked on Syntax. While it did cure those envenomated during New Years, Syntax getting the "first spin" of the refined venom meant that he recieved far higher a survivable dosage/damage from the spider-bot. He had to work out a few more kinks before the New Years parade or else Megaopolis would been filled with dead half-spider people.

Syntax is having a small crisis of humanity. Not as big as the gang expected, but more like "Oh dang. I could've just been a demon this whole time? This rocks!- Hey why do chickens freak me out all of a sudden?" There's lot of spider demon stuff he has no context for - Spider Queen probably has to give him the spider demon version of "The Talk" the first time Syntax drums his legs at someone he likes.

Has/had a very mild rivalry with Macaque, mostly cus the shadow monkey would poke fun at Syntax for being a magic-less former human, and the programmer could toss the criticism right back at him in words Macaque didn't understand. The hostility died down when Macaque got weirdly interested in an RPG Maker game Syntax was playing, and wanted to know how videogames worked. And so the development of the "Macaque VR game" began.

He def chose the name "Syntax" for himself.

Huntsman:

Huntsman is only slightly younger than Spider Queen. He was a fellow spider demon disgusted by what the pilgrims had done to her sisters. And was a little curious at how strong they truly were. Encountered Sha Wujing on the road when the river demon was foraging, and was immediately enamored with his strength. He knows Sandy is pretending to be a reincarnation, he could recognise his Blue from anywhere.

Hates being seen as weak. Will act out if he suspects someome is "going easy" on him. Even with spicy cooking.

Saw some Things in the potion-portal Tang accidentally sent him to in Laozi/Lao Tzu's lab. The "duck" label was a metaphor.

Beyond tracking devices, this spider is tech blind. Has no gotdamn idea Syntax is talking about half the time.

Goliath/Strong Spider:

Is a little older than Huntsman. But no one's really sure how old he is. Not even him.

Was a drifter from another clan before joining Spider Queen. He doesn't like to talk about what happened with his birth clan.

Deliberately trained his body so he could physically protect his friends/clan from harm. A lot of things can squish a spider, and Goliath wants to make sure that never happens again.

Goliath/Strong Spider has no idea how to make or spin a web. It's the folly of his sub-species. He can however, knit you a pretty good wool blanket instead. :3

Since he's based on a spider called a Goliath Bird-Eater; Goliath occasionally just plucks a bird out of the sky and noms on it like Hogsqueal in The Spiderwick Chronicles. If he ever saw Peng, not even the Buddha could stop Goliath from trying to take a bite.

Spindrax (sadly toyline only ;_;):

Has an obnoxiously black-and-pink colour scheme as a foil to Mei's white-and-green aesthetic.

Is Mei's equal rival in everything. Racing, pinball, arcade games, hand-to-hand combat, etc... Spindrax and Mei even go toe-to-toes when it comes to dancing.

Uses a stylized motorcycle helmet while driving, so much so that Mei honestly didn't know what Spindrax's face looked like until after a race/spider gang fight.

Youngest of the whole spider clan. She's barely considered a young-adult by their standards. Gets babied/underestimated sometimes by them and wishes to prove herself.

Would annoy Syntax while he's working by flicking rubber bands at him.

Bonus ideas+:

The original spider clan was once an actual kingdom, but it fell to silk-greedy humans during the mid Tang Dynasty when the empire began enforcing extreme measures to prevent rival nations from getting their hands on easy silk. When a few too many Roman and Greek tradesmen went to the Spider Kingdom instead of following the Silk Road - the kingdom was burnt to the ground. The Seven Sisters were the only surviving members of a very minor branch of the royal family - saved by a centipede schoolmate.

The Spider Sisters in Journey to the West had adoptive children in the form of other bug demons known as; Bee, Hornet, Cockroach, Cantharis/Spanish-Fly/Blister-Beetle, Grasshopper, Maggot/Wax-Fly, and Dragonfly, who came to defend their moms' after Zhu Bajie harassed them. However they were just little kids, so they could barely nip at the pilgrims even as a swarm of insects. Even the tallest of them was said to be "no more than two and a half feet". SWK simply scared them off by making his hair-clones turn into different birds. It's likely that Spider Queen had to care for her orphaned nephews/students in the aftermath of Jttw.

Would be cool if the seven niblings were still around, trying to avenge their moms and aunts. Hilarious if they were somehow more successful than Jin and Yin at villainy - if only a smidge. Then again that means at the end of canon S3 they're left without a family, if LBD doesn't see them as extra mech material that is...

MK: *driving home from a delivery* A voice off to the side: "Hey monkey-head!" MK, stops driving: "???" (MK turns, only to see seven scrappy-looking kids) MK: "Aww. You guys fans of mine?" Kid 1#: "No! We are sons of the Seven Spider Sisters! Sworn enemies of the Monkey King!" MK, tensing up cus arachnophobia: "S-spiders?" Kid 2#: "Yeah! Now you're gonnna get it!" The Kids: *transforms into their true demon forms* MK: *massive sigh of relief* "Oh thank the buddha! You're just regular bug demons. Sorry nothing personal, I just can *not* deal with a swarm of baby spiders right now. You guys get home to Spider Queen before it gets dark ok?" MK: *continues driving home* The Kids, briefly stunned: "HEY! Get back here!" "You're not suppose to run away!" "We're telling mama about this!"

Spider Demons are able to heal/hibernate inside cocoons similar to those seen in the cave system. Huntsman and Goliath were sleeping off the worst of the winter frost when New Year's woke them up. It could also give an explaination to where Spindrax and the seven adopted bug kiddos are - they sleepin'.

I leave you with this funny Gary Larson comic with a spider in it:

[wytchcore]

may 23

episode twenty one: brazilian chicken and rice

we love a one pot meal in this house!!

however. my little pot is struggling with all these meals ;~; i really need a proper dutch oven

this was really yummy! though it called for annatto powder and i accidentally got seeds ^^; whoops. im bringing some to my brother though as i type this.

[j1mins-j4ms]

An Accidental meeting

stuff included in ere: inappropriate thoughts, mention of itadori, you're basically marinette dupain-cheng but even more clumsy and clueless, Ryomen twins au?? dunno

a/n:little random post here cuz I'm really bored (help my thigh is itchy 😭)

Imagine that you were rushing to the gate, hoping you could catch the flight just in time to arrive at the concert you've been yearning to go to for the past few weeks. Everything was going smoothly, your clumsy antics decided not to wake up today, which is relieving.

Well.. that was until you bumped into what seemed like a boy who was slightly taller than you. He was practically your type. As he opened his mouth to speak, your gaze settled on his soft, plump lips that looked oh so kissable. Anyone in a 10-mile radius could pass out from his adorable voice. He apologised and scurried off while you just stood there, so dumbfounded. His eyes were a dark chocolate and how soft his hair seemed.. You were definitely fan-girling over a random man you bumped into.

Surprise, surprise.. Another man, who looked like the more emo version of the other, more joyful boy ran into you. Your inner-self squealed while there was a sense of excitement lingering in the air. His blood-shot crimson eyes captivated you the most, despite his whole demeanor screaming 'I'll torture you if you don't move', his bubble-gum hair stood out of his style. It made sense if the little boy was the younger sibling of this.. Frightening demon. 'Hey! at least he's a hot demon!', most would say.

The man's tattoos were.. slightly weird. I mean, it looked like a five year old child drew on his face with permanent marker, and that's the attractive part of it. His stare pierced right into your already drumming heart, he was about to grab you and throw you around, until his younger brother - aka the dude you bumped into last time cause of your stupid clumsiness - called his name like a damn siren wailing around. Oh, so his name's Sukuna! you drooled at the sound of his name alone. You could scream his name all night while he was-

Oh, your plane! you hastily said sorry and rushed away, running around like a headless chicken. He looked back, scoffed and followed the other boy, never to be seen again.

At least you could've asked for his number..!

thank you for reading! <333

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Who Let Us Have A Group Chat

Pairings: Blood Moon/DJ Music Man, Harvest Moon/Glamrock Bonnie, Eclipse/OC

Word Count: 1,364

Summary: Shopping trips and family matters.

Warnings: Death (mentioned only), Allergic Reaction (mentioned only), Privacy Invasion, Caps, Cursing, Blood (mentioned only), Accidental Marriage, let me know if I should add anything else.

Chapter 7: Grocery Shopping

8:14am Who Took My Hat?

Eclipse: Sunday good shopping day. I’m going this time, who wants something that isn’t on the list?

Blood Moon: Did I remember to put down chicken hearts?

Eclipse: You did.

Blood Moon: And ground beef?

Eclipse: Yes.

Eclipse: bloodmoonslist.jpg

Eclipse: You’ve got all your various meats on there. And your fishes.

Blood Moon: The ones with the eyes.

Eclipse: God, not this again. I am not getting you something with eyeballs. They look at me and ask me ‘Why, God, am I in this package? Why, God, did I have to die to be fed to a giant oversized cat?’ You will get ones without a face or you’ll go get it yourself.

Blood Moon: Fine, no eyeballs this time. Meanie.

Eclipse: Yes, I’m so mean for not wanting a fish to stare at me while I’m food shopping, I know.

Harvest Moon: Clips, did I remember to put down those little dumpling things? And the types for the frozen pizzas?

Eclipse: Ypu remembered the dumplings, not the frozen pizza types.

Lunar: First of all, I’m going to kill you three waking me up.

Lunar: Second of all, Ves, we have pizza makings at the Plex and you can get them for free since you’re an animatronic.

Harvest Moon: …

Harvest Moon: Scratch out my frozen pizzas, I’ve got one better. I remembered chicken, though, right?

Eclipse: You have it down four times.

Harvest: Yes, because I need four different packs. Wings, breasts, thighs, and drumsticks.

Eclipse: Alright.

Eclipse: Mass, where’s your list?

Supermassive: I didn’t make one?

Blood Moon: Why not, baby brother?

Supermassive: I don’t know what I like. I’ve only been alive a day. I mean, I liked the pasta last night but I don’t know otherwise.

Lunar: Did you seriously not test this kid? Even Moon tested me on foods before letting me have a mainly-candy-diet. Hell, Moon tested KC on foods!

Kill Code: I tried to but then he had an allergic reaction to eggs and we had to stop and get him epinephrine from Moon’s computer and he was asleep for the night.

Lunar: Okay, reasonable.

Kill Code: Eclipse, I’m taking Mass later by ourselves after I can finish testing him on foods.

Eclipse: Okay. And all of your list is here? Tofu, bread and hummus?

Kill Code: Yes.

Eclipse: Okay. Multiple breads and hummusses? Hummusi? Hummus squared? Hummus cubed? What is the plural of hummus?

Kill Code: Four of whichever flavors. Yes multiple bread loaves. You already know which kind I like.

Eclipse: Yeah, your whole wheat stuff, got it.

Kill Code: You put down all your food?

Eclipse: Yes. I remembered this week.

9:55am Who Took My Hat?

Blood Moon: So Eclipse brought the groceries home, but he’s hiding in his room now. What do we do, dad?

Kill Code: I wonder if something went wrong with the shopping process.

Blood Moon: eclipseinadress.jpg

Kill Code: BLOOD MOON CELESTIAL

Blood Moon: But he’s in a dress!

Kill Code: What is Rule 11, child?

Blood Moon: Privacy is valued. Please knock if a door is closed.

Kill Code: And what was Eclipse doing?

Blood Moon: Getting changed with the door almost closed?

Kill Code: Exactly, you apologize to Eclipse for invading their privacy before they see the chat!

Eclipse: I already saw, I turned notifications back on yesterday after Mass came to us. Does it look that bad, Bloody?

Eclipse: I saw it and it was really pretty, I wanted to wear it. But if it looks bad then I can bring it back still.

Blood Moon: NO, it looks good! I promise!

Harvest Moon: What the bozo is trying to say, he means you look pretty in it and not to return it, since you looked so happy in it.

Eclipse: I look pretty?

Harvest Moon: You look beautiful. It suits you, it does.

Eclipse: It was just a Halloween dress on discount.

Harvest Moon: Sure, but it does suit you. You look nice in dresses, we should get you more of them.

Eclipse: More? I’m allowed to wear them outside?

Kill Code: My child, have you been hiding certain clothing from us?

Eclipse: I thought it was weird for me to wear them outside of my room.

Kill Code: Does anything about the clothing you hide have anything to do with that mysterious partner I keep hearing about?

Eclipse: No? How do you know about Matthew!?

Kill Code: Well, I had a hunch with you being giggly and nervous before, but I know now.

Kill Code: Regardless of your dating life, you’re allowed to wear whatever you want. Nobody is going to stop you, Eclipse. Please just tell us if anything changes with anything like gender or pronouns.

Eclipse: No, I like he/him.

Kill Code: And that’s still fine. You feel comfortable in it, that’s all I want for you.

Moon: I want to say it but you seem nervous about it.

Eclipse: Just say it, I know it’s coming.

Moon: femboy

Eclipse: I hate you.

Moon: Thanks.

Kill Code: Ignore him.

Eclipse: I planned on it.

Kill Code: I love you, son. You don’t ever need to feel nervous over something like this. Nobody will make fun of you or tease you. Besides Moon. But he just likes calling his brothers femboys.

Moon: damn right, femboy catdad.

Kill Code: I hate you.

Moon: Thanks.

Lunar: Moon, I can’t believe you woke up after aging up and the first thing you do is call Crescent and Eclipse femboys.

Lunar: You look great, by the way, you bastard.

Eclipse: Thanks???

Lunar: You’re welcome.

Moon: Look, it was entertaining.

8:35pm Who Too My Hat?

Kill Code: I’m taking Mass to the store for his food. Behave. I better not come home to someone covered in paint again.

Eclipse: Look, they wanted a blood alternative to play with and red paint was close enough. I didn’t think they’d douse me in it!

Kill Code: Either way. No odd shenanigans while I’m taking Mass out to get his food.

Blood Moon: Fiiiiine.

Harvest Moon: Take all the fun out.

Eclipse: I’m going on a date anyway, no need to worry about odd shenanigans with me tonight.

Kill Code: Be safe with Matthew.

Eclipse: I am, I promise.

Kill Code: I’ll believe that when I get to meet this mysterious Matthew.

Eclipse: He works in the PizzaPlex. You can literally meet him any time. He works in Fazer Blast. His name is Matthew Duller.

Kill Code: I may be able to meet him anytime but I’d rather you introduce us to your boyfriend by bringing him home to meet us. Maybe we can make it a dinner as a family.

Eclipse: We always have dinner as a family.

Kill Code: Including all three of you’s boyfriends.

Blood Moon: I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHAT DO YOU MEAN

Kill Code: I know about the DJ, Blood Moon.

Blood Moon: NO YOU DONT YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT THE DJ

Kill Code: Alright, you’re totally-not-boyfriend DJ Music Man can come over for dinner when Eclipse and Harvest bring home their boyfriends for dinner as well.

Blood Moon: not my boyfriend

Harvest Moon: Um, boyfriend may be putting it lightly for me.

Kill Code: What?

Harvest Moon: See, me and Bonnie may have got married by accident?

Kill Code: YOU WHAT!?

Harvest Moon: Look, we were doing it as a joke to appease Gregory! Freddy tried to not send the paperwork but he’s a legal officiant and it does it automatically so now we’re legally married! We thought he was joking when he told us we were married!

Kill Code: I wasn’t even invited to the wedding.

Harvest Moon: It was a joke wedding but that damn bear legally married us!

Kill Code: And to think I would have walked you down the aisle to hand you off to that bastard of a rabbit who asked to marry my no-longer-youngest son.

Harvest Moon: I’m sorry, okay? We plan to get an annulment and get remarried for real at some point, I promise. Please don’t get sad, he and I are strictly dating still, we just happen to be accidentally married.

[mses-mist]

Jegulus microfic

PRE-PARTY HANGOUT

It really doesn’t surprise James that his apartment is the designated pre-party hangout spot for the night. Sirius is in the bathroom with remus hugging sirius from behind, nose tucked behind sirius’s ear as he watches sirius do his eyeliner sharing a bottle of firewhiskey and soda. Sirius had offered to do remus’s eyes earlier, but remus had flinched and chickened out as soon as the eyeliner wand had gotten too close to his eye.

Peter is today’s designated driver and has been ready to go since he got here, sipping moderately at some fruit juice in a glass bottle and chatting with mary, who has also volunteered her car for the night. Marlene’s been queuing music from sirius’s phone for the past ten minutes, laughing at dorcas’s joke, but she’s also been downing a bottle of plain firewhiskey and she’s at least halfway through it, so james is about to be real worried about remus’s sensibilities with regards to whatever Marlene chooses to blast through the apartment.

James’s three beers down, swinging his legs in his desk, watching Regulus crouched in front of his standing mirror to do his makeup. Really, he could get sirius to do it for him, but this is faster, and less likely to start another petty argument between the brothers and it also means james can participate in at least three conversations at once with the door open like this, instead of having to watch remus and sirius be sappy lovey dovey couple.

"Evan sent you another Snapchat,” James tells Regulus, looking at the notifications. Regulus is busy trying to line his eyes without stabbing himself, so he just grunts.

 

“The passcode is 03271960,” he looka at regulus in the reflection of the mirror and grins. Screwing the brush back into the liquid liner and resting it on his thigh Regulus take another sip of his drink. James holds the snapchat up so Regulus can survey it. It’s a Evan classic: the outfit reveal, only this time Barty is standing with his chin on his shoulder and his hand on Evan’s bare stomach.

“He’s using the t-shirt I got him. Good,” Regulus says. James turns the phone back toward him and snaps a picture of regulus as he starts on the other eye. Regulus can see him typing, but there’s no reflex instinct to make him stop. James’s not the type of person who would do anything insane while holding Regulus’s phone. Weird how much he trusts him.

 

“James!” Marlene yells from the living room. “pandora says hi!”

 

“Pandora?” James responds back loudly, even though he knows it’s just a text. “Tell her she’s my favourite ravenclaw!”

 

“Second-favourite ravenclaw, ya little shitbag,” Emeline calls back from somewhere in the room, and James cackles wildly, hears Emeline laugh her high piched laugh, before her conversation turns back to something sensible and polite with Amelia. There’s a faint tinge of amusement to both of their tones now; and he can hear lily and mary laughing together, mary’s laughs coming short and breathy like she’s struggling to get them out around tears. Sirius is squawking faintly from the bathroom, which means they’re probably making fun of him, and James mourns missing out.

Regulus smears glitter on his face, carefully traces the shape of his cheekbones and the slope of his nose, adds a little in the dip above his top lip and then reaches for his mascara for a thin coat. James watches him as if he were watching Regulus perform open-heart surgery.

 

“Want me to do yours next?” Regulus asks

 

“No thanks. I let Sirius try once, but I really don’t like the way it feels on my skin.”

“Fair,” he squeezes his eyes shut spraying setting spray around his face, trying not to accidentally inhale it, “fuck foundation, actually, nevermind i look fine.”

 

“Reg” sirius yells from across the bathroom walking towards the room , and regulus cracks an eye open to look up at him, where he’s hovering in the doorway, “can I borrow your glitter?”

 

“Yea,” he extends the little bottle to sirius, who takes it, glances around James’s room, “somethin’ else?”

 

“Did I leave my hair-tie here? The red one with the little stars.”

 

“Top drawer of the desk ,” James gestures, vaguely to the designated sirius’s lost and found drawer, and Regulus rolls out of the way so sirius can access it. He rummages through, pulls up his hair-tie and snaps it around his wrist, before seizing a box of candies and reading the back.

“Were these any good?” He asks James thinks about it. It’s been a while since he’s ate any but when sirius turns the box toward him, his brain comes up with a pretty decent recollection of last time moony was green and almost threw up eating one of those.

“Yea, think so. Tho you should probably keep it away from moony he didn't really appreciate the wine-y taste it left on his tongue,” Sirius hums, pockets few, and then pats Regulus’s head on the way out of the bedroom.

"Sirius get your filthy hands off my hair. It took me forever to do it,” Regulus says, sounding aghast. Pushing sirius's hands away from his head, taking another swig of his drink,packing away his makeup.

"Come here, I'll fix it for ya" James says giggling.

“I'm starting to understand how your friendship works,” Regulus mutters,admiring his reflection on the mirror. James steps over him and tucks Regulus's makeup kit back into its proper designated shelf, and then turns and places a hand either side of Regulus’s thighs, gripping the seat of his desk chair and leaning in to accept the kiss Regulus places against his lips.

“you're so cute, reggie” James cooes, ducking out of the way of a head-smack.

“Nothing about me has ever been cute.”

 

“That’s cute.”

 

“Shut up,” Regulus shoves at his shoulder.

 

Regulus gives up and rolls away from him with a finality. James laughs, and re-routes to pick up Regulus's forgotten drink, wandering out into the living room. Mary and dorcas are watching Marlene try to teach them the choreography to some K-pop song that she’s probably learned from pandora, while Regulus helps sirius highlight his face with glitter, tongue stuck out between his lips. Remus and lily have both twisted in their seat to watch mary try to replicate whatever the fuck Marlene is doing while dorcas laughs from the couch.

James does what any good friend would do, when presented with a prime opportunity to catch up with their life-long friend: he takes several quiet steps forward and then leaps into peter’s lap. Peter starts, violently, hand instinctively coming up to grab at James as he laughs loudly.

 

“Fucking hell, Prongs,” peter says, but he’s laughing too, “way to give a guy a heart attack.”

 

“I missed ya, wormy,” James says, wraps an arm over his shoulders and squeezes him in a tight hug. Peter squeezes back.

“I’m like, an hour away, not dead,” peter sounds amused, gently clapping James on the back. “Thanks for invitin’ me out, though. Gets lonely up there sometimes.”

 

“You should move back in with us,” James tells him, watching as Regulus exits his room hair now decorated with the Star-shaped hair-clips and perches on the couch arm next to Remus, watching mary and Marlene with interest. “we still have the room unused since last you stayed”

 

“That’s sweet,” Peter says, “but if I’m ever sharing room with you three again, it’ll be too soon" he says pointing at sirius and james. "The two of ya gave me premature gray hairs.”

 

“Liar,” James sing-songs, gripping Peter’s chin and forcibly tilting his head his way “ya miss me.”

“Sometimes, yeah. When I’m having a shit day i wish you would be there to crack a joke or moony to offer me hot chocolate or pads to go on a bike ride that feels more lke a death ride”

“we are good at that,” James agrees, and the pair of them laugh. Peter squishes into one corner of the couch, James settles next to him, and then Regulus settles between him and remus, hooking one arm over James’s shoulders.

 

“Good to see ya again, Baby black.”

 

“Pettigrew,” Regulus says by way of greeting.

 

“You can just call me peter or pete,” he offers with a little laugh, “no need to be so formal, you are datin’ one of my oldest friends after all.”

 

“or wormy,” james says with a mock sniffle

“shut it, ya little shit,” peter pulls his cheeks, making james yell and lean back into Regulus, trying to shove peter away from him.

 

“Okay then,” Regulus says, “just peter. And please just call me… just Regulus.”

 

“Cool,” Peter says

lily calls for Regulus's attention “Remus was just tellin’ me about the topic he’s working for his class on how sexist stephen ki -”

 

And just like that they’re off, the three of them talking about literary forms that James couldn’t give less of a shit about. It still makes him warm, though, seeing that genuine sparkle of interest in Regulus’s eye as Remus gestures grandly and lily nods thoughtfully. Three different loves (Remus his bi-awakening, Lily his ex crush of many years and reg the love of his life) from three different path of life coming together and making each other happy. James excuses himself for a drink before he does something embarrassing like hug them all for no goddamn reason.

Sirius has now joined in on trying to learn Marlene's dance, and he’s dragged peter and remus into it too. Mary seems to be getting the hang of it the fastest, but she’s laughing so hard that the movements still seem kind of half-hearted. Remus is flashing James the ‘ fucking-save-me’ eyes, so James breezes through and slides both arms around his waist, walking away with the claim of super-secret roommate business.

 

The super-secret roommate business is actually just escaping to sirius and remus’s room to rummage through his personal snack stash while remus re-checks his hair to make sure non are as untames as james's. James selects some chocolate frog from honeydukes that remus likes, rips open the packet and sits on remus’s bed to offer him some. Remus bites off a huge chunk.

“So,” remus says, “Regulus.”

 

“What ‘bout him?”

 

“You have a sperate compartment for his stuff in your room now?”

[whumpshaped]

*cries in the only scar I have is this tiny cut on my elbow that looks like wrinkly chicken skin*

wrinkly chicken skin squad. i have a bunch of scars on my arm (4 little ones on my elbow, 1 big and 1 medium on my palm) from the time i was racing w my brother down the garage slope and i accidentally smashed in the window w my hand like an idiot. i wanted to stop myself on the wooden part!!! but we had one of these types of doors

imagine those are glass panels. and i was very little. so i just Missed.

i got kinder toys at the GP tho :)

[terastalungrad]

BB20: Sunday 29 October

We're halfway through the series. My fave has been evicted. But hey, we still have two Welsh housemates, four queer men, and one housemate who's both. And there's Yinrun of course.

With Hallie gone, Olivia speculates that culture war transphobes voted against her even though they don't watch the show.

This would sound like a proper disconnected-from-reality conspiracy theory if not for the fact that there's been so many explicit examples of this sort of thing happening. Like when countless people gave the DVDs of Jodie Whittaker's first series of Doctor Who one star reviews on Amazon before a single episode had aired. That's the sort of thing that happens now.

Jenkin is annoyed by Olivia's comment. It wasn't a race thing when Farida and Zak went, so why make it a transphobia thing that Hallie's gone?

I have two thoughts on this, the first of which is that race was a factor in losing Farida and Zak.

But also. Bigotry manifests in different ways, and different types of bigots fight in different ways at different times in history. And if you imagine a bigot downloading the BBUK app to spam vote against a person based on their identity, tell me you're not imagining a wine-sipping Facebook-using Rowling supporter.

Tell me you can't imagine a tweet like, "Just watching a Vinted ad so I can vote off this [redacted] 💜🤍💚🟥🏁🦕"

Tell you what. People can moan about Kerry all they like, I think it's been massive to see a middle-aged Tory voter bond so wonderfully with her trans foster daughter Hallie.

Jordan's heart aches for Matty. Jordan likes the flirtation and the attention, he loved Matty's eyes and how engaged he is in conversations. But Matty's in a relationship, albeit an open one.

Jordan confides all this in Henry. Henry reckons open relationships don't work, and that people grow out of them.

I'm sure Henry believes this. But I wonder if it's a self-serving belief if it helps Jordan move on from Matty.

I'm not sure whether Henry feels romantic jealousy for Jordan - but I do think it's common to be jealous when your closest friend starts flirting with a third party, even if it's not romantic.

Dylan is absolutely delighted they've run out of food. He warned them all! He was ignored. And he was right. He's THRILLED.

Henry moans about having too much chicken in the house. "What about some veal fillets?" People had the chance to evict this boy.

Venting machine! Big Brother provides a vending machine that only provides your snacks and drinks if you vent. The more you rant, the more you get from the machine.

A bit of whimiscal fun, but ends up being the perfect metaphor for our relationship with technology.

Yinrun's rant is wonderful. "I have heard more swear words in ten minutes in this house than in ten months in Harrogate."

If Henry could marry one politician, it would be Theresa May. I respect this choice.

Jordan chooses Nadine, such is his commitment to comedy.

New conspiracy theory just dropped: Chanelle reckons Earth has more than one moon. (She's clearly trolling, but has an incredible poker face.)

Paul explaining why you can see the moon from both the UK and Australia like he's telling a Tinder date about the offside rule.

Oof, ignore that sentence. Accidentally channelled a standup comedian.

[nighttime-artist]

'City of God' movie review

City of God, released in 2002, is a Brazilian film directed by Fernando Meirelles. Though it’s based on the 1997 novel by Paulo Lins, it also takes loose inspiration from real life events. The opening scene of the chickens getting chased down and killed was a unique way to start the movie. Upon first watching it made me wonder what the meaning behind it was, and what type of significance it held in reflecting the overall story. Apparently the symbolism of the chickens being killed parallels the religion candomble, which is an African diasporic religion.  In the movie we are introduced to the character ‘Rocket’ who has already been exposed to a life of crime at a very young age. Rocket's older brother Goose robs a hotel with a group of people including Shaggy, Clipper, and Lil Dice, a child they leave behind and tell to be on the lookout for police. When the aftermath of the robbery was shown I remember being shocked at the carnage that was left behind. I didn’t expect them to kill the people, especially when it didn’t seem like they had any intention to do anything beyond robbing them. The cool thing about this moment is that later on we see the full context of what actually happened. It turns out the plot twist is that Li’l Dice was the one who killed the people in the hotel after the fact. He had a bloodlust that no one else in the group was aware of and the blame was placed on Goose, Shaggy and Clipper instead. I wasn’t expecting this reveal at all, it caught me off guard.  Time passes and when they’re older, Lil’ Dice now goes by Lil’ Ze who has made a drug empire with Benny. I think Benny is an interesting character because he is a direct example of everything Lil’ Ze lacks. Benny is more charming, has better social skills, popular with the ladies, and can get a lot of things done without violence. Meanwhile Lil’ Ze can only get what he wants through power and other people’s fear of him. This is highlighted when he comes onto a woman and she rejects him, only for him to sexually assault her later on.  When Benny gets killed accidentally later on in the movie, there was very little reaction from Lil’ Ze. It made me wonder if he even really cared about Bennys death beyond how it might affect his empire. They’ve known each other ever since childhood and I assumed they were close friends despite Ze’s violent nature. Maybe Ze did care but the writer didn’t find it necessary to show that information to the audience, I’m not sure. A gang war eventually breaks out between Ze and Carrot. Rocket, who likes photography, takes a photo of Ze and his gang which receives a lot of attention considering how hard it is for outsiders to get photos like those. Eventually the police capture Ze, take his money and let him go. But without any power or protection, Ze gets killed by children who wanted revenge on him. Overall, I thought this movie was fine, there’s a constant focus on the cycle of violence and how it leads to nothing in the end. It’s definitely not one of my favorites, I don’t find it as memorable as some other movies I’ve watched in the past few months.

[catastrophicmind]

Get To Know Me !

Girl, you know I love these. I tagged you at the end because I’d love to hear your answers too!

🖌 - Do you have/want any tattoos? I have 20 (professional and self-done) planning to get one done in the next couple weeks in celebration of my birthday (today) and my year of sobriety (March 11). It’s gonna be a Phoenix.

💚 - What’s your favourite colour? Purple and teal

🍕 - What’s the last thing you ate? This banging jalapeño popper chicken casserole I made for the house on Sunday.

🕰 - What time is it where you are rn? 6:32am

🌟 - What is your zodiac sign? Pisces

🌍 - What is your favourite accent? Australian

⚡️ - Do you have any scars? Yes. My most recent is on my right forearm from accidentally burning myself at work about a month ago.

🌺 - What’s your MBTI type? ISFJ— Defender

🥀 - Favourite animated movie? Oooh, probably gonna throw back to The Little Mermaid.

📺 - Favourite show? Currently— any 90 Day Fiance season or spin-off. I love the chaos every couple brings to the table. All-time— Total Drama (at least the first three seasons).

😂 - Are you ticklish? Not really.

💍 - Do you ever want to get married? Some day. I’m thoroughly enjoying being single and working on myself though. I need to be in tip-top shape within before I find “Mr. Right”.

😳 - Do you like your name? Meh, no. I feel like it’s an older woman’s name. I’ve never really met anyone my age with the same name. They’re usually women 20-30 years older than me. Thanks, mom!

💙 - What colour is your bedroom? Teal and gray

🤓 - How did you get your name? Lmao, idk my mom liked it a lot and my dad conformed. They didn’t know what gender I was until I was born though, so if I came out a boy, I would’ve been Anthony— not Melissa.

🎓 - When did/do you graduate? Graduated high school in 2014. I’ve taken some college courses, but haven’t finished my degree.

🍄 - Do you have/want any piercings? I have a lot. My ears are gauged and littered in little studs. I just counted and I have 13 total in my ears, 2 in my nose and my eyebrow.

👀 - What colour are your eyes? Hazel. They switch between green and gold typically. They’re never really a shade of brown.

👱🏻‍♀️ - What is your go to hairstyle? Lord, I’ve had a pixie for the last four years. I decided to grow it out because I miss having long hair. Right now…it’s an awkward mess. Like, shaggy and thick af. I usually just throw on a headband or hat to hide how shitty it looks. I’ll be so happy when I can put it in a ponytail.

🥂 - Have you ever drank underage? I was 17 when I had my first drink. Blacked out. Had a fake all the way up until I was legal.

🍾 - Have you ever gotten drunk? Honey, where do I begin…if I was drinking, my goal was a to get obliterated. I can’t grasp the concept of drinking to “enjoy”. That’s why I’m sober. Lmao.

😱 - What’s your biggest fear? Probably being alone the rest of my life. You know, not ever finding “the one”.

🥵 - Would you rather be too hot or too cold? Too cold! You can always cover up, but you can only take so much clothing off before you’re naked.

🌦 - What’s your favourite weather? Probably 50-60 degrees and sunny.

🍂 - What’s your favourite season? Late fall/early winter.

🐷 - What’s your favourite animal? Dogs 🐶 💕 I literally love them more than people sometimes. They give you everything they have and expect nothing in return.

🐶 - Do you have any pets? No, my landlord won’t allow it, but my mom’s dog is like my little brother. I love me some Cody.

😴 - What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? Heh…11 days. Don’t ask why.

🎨 - Any hobbies? Writing and anything to do with music.

🛩 - If travelling was free, where’s the first place you’d go? Norway. Seeing the Aurora Borealis is at the top of my bucket list.

🎇 - What’s your most searched thing on Google? Good question. I’m not sure. I literally Google every stupid question I have that comes to mind.

📱 - Favourite app on your phone? Tumblr and Facebook

🤠 - Are you more of a city person or a country person? Can I be a suburb person? Not a fan of the big city and I also hate living in bumfuck nowhere. I like a quaint town that has everything I need.

Tagging: @duncans-unibrow @honeynotgood @webui1tgwensface @sentimentalslut @the-type-a

Get To Know Me !

Again, idk why I made this but enjoy I guess (some of these may be uncomfortable for y’all to answer, idk).

🖌 - Do you have/want any tattoos?

💚 - What’s your favourite colour?

🍕 - What’s the last thing you ate?

🕰 - What time is it where you are rn?

🌟 - What is your zodiac sign?

🌍 - What is your favourite accent?

⚡️ - Do you have any scars?

🌺 - What’s your MBTI type?

🥀 - Favourite animated movie?

📺 - Favourite show?

😂 - Are you ticklish?

💍 - Do you ever want to get married?

😳 - Do you like your name?

💙 - What colour is your bedroom?

🤓 - How did you get your name?

🎓 - When did/do you graduate?

🍄 - Do you have/want any piercings?

👀 - What colour are your eyes?

👱🏻‍♀️ - What is your go to hairstyle?

🥂 - Have you ever drank underage?

🍾 - Have you ever gotten drunk?

😱 - What’s your biggest fear?

🥵 - Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

🌦 - What’s your favourite weather?

🍂 - What’s your favourite season?

🐷 - What’s your favourite animal?

🐶 - Do you have any pets?

😴 - What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

🎨 - Any hobbies?

🛩 - If travelling was free, where’s the first place you’d go?

🎇 - What’s your most searched thing on Google?

📱 - Favourite app on your phone?

🤠 - Are you more of a city person or a country person?

[deutoplasmic]

i mean ruki could be a thousand years old or more and i would still think hes just a silly princess,,, such a vain kitsune who probably doesnt like being touched much but if you pet him like you actually would pet a fox he would like it,,, not that he would admit that out loud

i mean we’ve still got a decent chunk of our mythos at least!! was able to make a thesis out of it once 😤 but yea a lot of it has definitely been lost

RIGHT YETAO IS SO PRETTY,,, i adore him he gives me so much gender envy

KYOSUKE 😭😭😭 whats takumi’s excuse then /lh LMAOKDKDKD

im sure if you look it up youll find like 10 different clips of junmin yelping or screaming lmao bros a dolphin 😭😭

yep! and hyeonju (the 01 liner) is half filipino too so technically theres 3! and jollibee is our fast food chain LMAODKDJD its very famous for its chicken but i personally prefer the spaghetti (filipino-style spaghetti is sweet and has hotdogs in it >< its a childhood fave of mine)

AND MY FAVORITE VILLAGER IS SHEP!! i had him in my wild world game and he was always so nICE 🥹 so silly and fluffy,,,

INDULGENT TAJI SO TRUE he could never hurt a fly 🥺 masaya on the other hand,,, hes got a brother so. play wrestling with him would be fun. would i win? maybe, maybe not. maybe the real victory is getting to wrestle w him at all 😁

oh my god you are so right. he is such a 'i hate everyone except you' type of guy. you get exemptions for everything like if you accidentally brush against his tails he'll just give you a little haughty disdainful look but if it's junki. well. the poor guy is not coming out unscathed. speaking of junki he's always roughhoused a little with his friends so when he meets kind of prissy ruki .... lmao .........

enough to make a thesis out of it LOOOOOL the bare minimum 🙏🙏🙏

takumi was just blessed with the power to not laugh when tickled. truly a sacrifice of equal value 🤣 masaya redemption was crazy though his physical stats were working overtime to get him to first place LMAO

too relatable for that 😔 his kprofiles says that he's a bit of a crybaby apparently...... free my guy..........

NO WAY intense patriotism from filipinos i guess 🤣 i think there are a bunch of filipino kpop fans though so i suppose it makes sense! and WHHHHHAT sweet spaghetti. is it like tomato sauce type of sweet? that's crazy cool!!!! for some reason jollibee sounds like the name of some lolly manufacturer. maybe bc it sounds like trolli? who knows

SHEP!!!!!!!!!!! i love his . hair? fur? not really sure what it is but it's very fun LOL 🙏 also omg you had wild world on the ds? i only had like. mario kart 😰

he'd just stare at you in mild confusion..... indulgent is such the perfect word for him........... but with masaya he'll let you win most of the time. if he wants to win well..... too bad for you he's determined LOL i feel like with takeru both of you are stubborn as hell. like goats. neither of you will agree to trucing

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Forging Ties - Chapter 27 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Skye lay on his back on the deck, saying 'no' and eventually just shaking his head with every place name Perry read out from one of the maps in the book full of maps that he had.

Skye kept expecting Perry to get frustrated with him for not being more helpful but he just kept going.

Skye shook his head to the latest thing Perry had read out and then hesitated as he realised it had nagged at his memory a little.

"Say that one again."

"Ridgeview High School?" Perry repeated.

"Oh," Skye said. "Maybe. Is there a school for little kids nearby?"

"There's one called Crestwood."

"Yes," Skye said. "I think that's it. I think that's where we were. I only went to school once but sometimes they'd talk about the schools and those were the names."

"That's on this side," Perry said. "The side we met."

"Oh," Skye said. "I went the wrong way. Maybe the friends of mine who weren't already dead could have found me if I'd gone the other way, but now they're all dead anyway."

"I'm sorry," Perry said. "I've lost friends, though not to death. It can hurt just as much as losing a member of your family."

"My friend who died on the mountain, his mum was where we were going. His Werewolf mum. If there are Werewolves who live there now like Slone, maybe...?"

"Are you wondering if she might have had other kids?"

Skye shrugged.

"I don't know if it even matters but..."

Perry nodded.

"Wait here."

Skye shut his eyes and stretched out in the sunshine.

He could do waiting. Maybe he would take a nap.

Skye had just drifted off when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

He yawned and cracked his eyes open, then sat up when Perry held out a plate of fish to him.

Slone was there too but Skye had eyes only for the fish.

"Thought you might be hungry," Perry said.

Slone sat down cross-legged on the deck.

"Perry said you were wondering if maybe someone you used to know has some relatives knocking about that I might know?"

Skye nodded as he chewed a mouthful of fish.

"Nim's mum but I don't know her name."

"Huh," Slone said. "D'you know what kind of wolf Nim was?"

"Um... black," Skye said. "Is that a type?"

"Yeah, sure," Slone said. "Well... hmm. My brother and his mum, they're both black wolves. I don't want to go running my mouth about things I might not know about but I can talk to them for you and see what they say."

"It probably doesn't even matter," Skye said. "I never even met Nim's mum and if she had more kids, they wouldn't have met him anyway. It doesn't really matter just because they're related to him. I don't even like my own relatives."

"Might not," Slone agreed. "But I reckon I'll look into it anyway because sometimes things matter more than they seem like they would."

Skye didn't know what that meant but he wanted to use his mouth for eating fish instead of talking, so he just nodded.

At least the fish was delicious.

********

Hamish lay on a bottom bunk in the berth, Aris held against his chest.

As babies went, she didn't cry much but she did like to be held.

Every part of her was so terrifyingly delicate, from her little hands and feet to the knubby little chicken wings on her back.

He had been feeding her with the formula Sera had brought him as often as she would take the bottle in the hopes that she would grow enough to be just slightly less fragile.

He heard someone enter the room and looked up to see Duran.

Duran offered him a smile and sat down on the floor next to the bed.

"How is she doing?"

"She seems content, so I guess she's good," Hamish said. "I'm going to be honest, when I picked up that egg, I was expecting a weird ostrich. Maybe even a cool dragon. Not a person. I always thought that accidentally becoming a father was one thing I'd never have to worry about."

"She is very cute, though."

"Yeah, that's how they get you. Sneaky little fucks."

"Well, whatever else happens, you did the right thing. You put her on a path that gave her the opportunity to hatch."

"You're right. I'm not going to start regretting that. I don't know if I'm the best person to raise her but I do know I'm going to make sure she's safe no matter what. Nobody's going to hurt my little plucked chicken baby."

"The wings do look rather unfortunate. I'm sure they'll be much more magnificent when her feathers come in."

"Honestly, I've seen weirder things since I agreed to let a cat teleport me away from my master. Looks don't seem to matter nearly as much on this side of the border, though."

"Oh yeah? There are still quite a few people who care that I'm human. I don't blame them but still."

"Well, then at least her chicken nubbins will prove she's not an icky human."

"True. I guess I could just ask Skye what she looked like as an adult, since apparently this little chicken nubbin is also some kind of immortal being but I'm not really that bothered. I'll love her just as much no matter what."

Duran leant his head to the side so that it rested against Hamish's shoulder.

"Good. I don't think anything matters as much as that. Just being loved and wanted. I never had that."

"Well, you do now, okay? I know that doesn't make up for not having your parents in your life but maybe it's something."

"Yeah," Duran said. "It's something."

[joshuasearing]

Friday 24th November 2023

Hey journal so the rest of work floor very stressful and to be honest I have really had enough of working there. Like it’s getting to much now. Basically at one point I was the only person on instore as they had accidentally left me on my own and to make matters worse some schools were off and it was Black Friday. This means it was hella busy. I really struggled on my own and it got me really stressed out. Then when people came onto in store it continued to be hectic for practically the rest of my shift it was awful. It was so continuous and non stop. Also some customers came in and were rude to make matters worse and to piss me off even more. Also I ran some parks out and to make this worse the car park was practically full so you would nearly get run over running the parks out and would really struggle to find the cars you needed to get to food too. Also it was freezing so it was horrible going out there. Anyways another thing that pisses me of is when loads of customers try and talk to you at once, especially when you are occupied doing something else. Some of this shit really pisses me off. Also when delivery drivers point at there orders and talk when you are trying to talk to a customer. All this type of shit happened today and it pissed me off so much. Anyways after work today I decided to get changed then I decided to get myself some food as I was starving. I tried the new galaxy caramel McFlurry, the galaxy caramel pie and also had a chicken Big Mac meal with an orange juice. Whilst eating I watched some YouTube. Then after eating I decided to quickly talk to people I work with at work outside. Then I went to the bus stop and waited for the bus. I got the bus to the gym and today I mainly focused on back and triceps however I did a few press ups as well here and there when I got bored. It was a really good gym session to be fair. After the gym I walked home and listened to some music. Tescos still did not have my favourite ice cream which is upsetting.

Anyways I continued with my walk home. Once i got home I walked past my little brother friend mum and she said that her son was at are house. He’s name is also Joshua, anyways when I came home I came inside to very loud music and Joshua trying to shut the door on me. Anyways since i have been home I’ve had dinner and watched some YouTube. Now I’m just writing in here. Anyways I will speak to you later journal, bye journal!

[newyggdrasil]

Chapter 7 - Boat

"Fenrir, you need a bath. Your smell is nauseating" Asktré said.

"Not, Dad, please. I'll take a bath when we get home, please," the kid begged.

"We won't arrive until the night. We cannot take the train home with your smell in this way. By the way, why do you smell so bad?"

"Well, it's a long story ..."

The argument woke up Lunnec. The sun had risen two hours ago, it wasn't a common situation. Getting up early is one thing very important for Asktré. However, the last day softened his father up. The dispute over the bath is a lot more common. Based on accidental transformations, Fenrir had gotten that his father used unusual strategies in these cases.

"Okey, so you can turn into a stinky rat. This is new." Asktré said, a bit confused by his son's story.

"I don't know if I was a rat because I was bigger than a rat."

"Son in this world exists giant rats which I hope that you will never see. Now, what can I do so that bath seems you like a good idea?"

"The pool's water is very cool," Fenrir said.

"Okey, I will use my powers to warm it up."

"Really, thank you very much."

"You prepare everything while I help your brother, he is already awake."

"Oh, morning Lunnec," Fenrir said smiling.

"Morning Fenrir," he said smiling back.

Asktré got closer to Lunnec and check his leg. The results of the ash were awesome. The leg was totally recovered, and even his skin looks like a newborn.

"This looks fine. What do you feel?"

"I'm good. I feel the leg stronger, and I haven't pain. The wood is amazing. I know already why the dwarf search it," Lunnec said and look towards a blanket that covered the dwarf.

"He searched it for other reasons, but that doesn't matter anymore," Asktré said with his typical expression of 'ask no more'.

"Okey. By the way, you look different than before."

"With excess ash treated all my wounds. Even the scars, it's sad some have sentimental value."

" Really, for example?"

"First times, the first time that Fenrir transformed, the first time I hunted a bear, our first adventure. This kind of thing."

At this moment Fenrir called his father so Asktré warmed up the pool; the boy was ready. Lunnec went to breakfast while his father and Fenrir were in the bath. At the campfire had a pan of broth with chunks. Lunnec preferred not to know what the chunks were. He has proven a lot of different odd foods throughout his life, but it's simpler for him to think that all is chicken than figure out what it is.

After, he began something that he felt that he must do, writing a letter. He took a piece and a pen in his father's sack. Think of the dead as something that had changed some beliefs about himself and his priorities.

When they were finally ready, they began the return trip to the beach. Asktré carried the dwarf while Lunnec and Fenrir followed him. This time the travel was easy, not animals, not elementals. The trouble was waiting for them on the beach, their rowboat was broken. Some animal had done a big hole in the prow.

Repairing the boat could take hours. The island is one nautic mile from the port of Tincia, the hometown of the brother's dwarf. Swimming to it with the body and Fenrir wasn't an option. Fortunately, a fishing boat was very close to the island.

"Boys tried to catch the fisherman's attention," Asktré said, knowing he had no chance of getting by himself.

"Fenrir is time that you use your unique useful power, your cute face," Fenrir screwed up his face. "It's a joke, it's a joke. You have more qualities but  the face thing is true, use it if you wanna leave the island before night."

Fenrir got close to shore, yelled to attract the boat, and start to move his arm trying to get the attention of the boat. The trick, against all odds, worked. The boat changed its course toward the island. When the boat was near an old dwarf dressed in some type of green raincoat approached to prow.

"Who are you?" he asked while Asktré and Lunnec got close to Fenrir. "I see, we are the rescuers. Tito's luck abandoned him. Poor bastard, all town warned him, but he didn't listen."

"Sorry sir, we were left without a boat. Can you help us?" Lunnec asked.

"Of course, it's the least I can do. Go aboard!"

The three went on board, in the poop was a young dwarf girl. She indicated to them where could sit down.  Asktré left the body in a corner, the old dwarf ordered the girl that she began the trip.

The young dwarf had long jet-black hair decorated with a braid. Her eyes were brown and her state was kind. Her nose was wide and round. She didn't stop looking at Lunnec, it was obvious that the young man had drawn the attention of the girl.

"Wow! This rune in the helm was dwarf's magic, isn't it? " Fenrir asked her.

"Oh, well seen. Yes, it's a rune for increasing strength. I use it for helping my grandfather. He's old, and this way rowing is simpler."

"A rune maker that she's a fisher. This isn't common," Lunnec said.

Many people believed that any person could create a rune, but this was untrue. Any person could write a rune, but only a few could imbue and control this magic. However, this didn't prevent a lot of people use over many objects. There was no problem in most cases, as long as you didn't find a friar's lantern or other type of magical nods, in this case, one rune bad produce could be a mortal problem.

"Well, really I wanted to be a blacksmith like my grandmother, but unfortunately she died when I was thirteen. Only she had time to teach me runic magic but couldn't teach me how to forge."

"Oh, I'm really sorry for your loss. My mum also died before she could teach me many important things about my magic," Fenrir said sadly.

"Sorry, little man. Someday I will get out of this town and find a master smith, you maybe can do as I."

"I don't believe it," he answered.

The conversation had become very depressing and Lunnec didn't want that Fenrir started to think a lot about his mother.

"Sure, you will get even without a master, don't worry. Well, change the subject. How's the fishing going, ehhh... Sorry, what's your name?" Lunnec said for tried to change of theme.

The girl laughed and said, "My name is Laura and that is my grandfather Fernando."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Lunnec, this is my little brother Fenrir and that is my father Asktré."

"Asktré, Asktré" Fernando repeated trying to remember "This name, is one of the Ashmen used, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," Asktré muttered.

"I see, I haven't heard this name for many time. I felt a lot about what happened to your people..."

"Sorry, but this is a conversation that I prefer not to have."

"Ohh, I understand it. I'm sorry."

Fenix and Lunnec looked at his father but didn't say anything. Laura began to talk trying to break the uncomfortable silence "Well, Lunnec you ask for the fishing, isn't it?"

Lunnec answer yes because he also wanted to change of topic. Talking about his childhood and family was something that tortured his father. Although, he would like to know about his ancestor, Fenrir and he had decided not to touch the matter with his father.

"So very bad, few fishes take the bait. Since the fabric increased production the lake was very contaminated and there are fewer and fewer fish shoals."

"Why doesn't anyone do something to fix it?" Fenrir answered with his typical innocence.

"Nobody wants to do it. The fabric is the main sustenance of the town, his life turns around that place. Never do they do something," Fernando said.

Actually, Fernando was right. The fabric is the heart of the town, literal and figurative. They manufactured screws for forty years and the town expanded around this building, few people in the town didn't work in the fabrics.

Finally, they arrived at the port. Asktré and Fernando talked while the kids moored the ship.

"Now, what will you doing?" the old man asked.

"We are going to the inn. After we will go to Rodas to catch the train to Midgard"

"Midgar, I see, I see," the old man said thoughtfully. "Well, It has been a pleasure to meet you and your sons."

Both shook hands. The group said goodbye and they carried on their trip. The inn was only a few minutes walk.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to read more, new chapters are upload Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays on tumblr and Wattpad.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to read more, new chapters are upload Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays on tumblr and Wattpad.

[miguelperaltanavarro]

#Memoir

Lola's Launchbox

by: Miguel Peralta

''Miguel, Miguel si lola mo!"

The stillness and serenity of the surroundings haunted me like the light of blue coloured sky, wind gently pushing me to bed but I need to do my digital compilation of moving images for my entrepreneurs subjects and with my cup of sweet tasty thick hot liquid. Suddenly I heard hurrying footsteps going near me and I was stunned… and that night I realized the loss of Grandmother is full of sorrow, grief and mixed emotion and immediately impacts my daily lives emotionally and also physically.

Before that shady night the birds start chirping and the neighbours rooster's start a "cook ku rook cook" . After I come back to reality from my dreams, the first thing that I will do is fold my wide blanket, arrange the soft and squishy pillow and fix the bedsheets. Secondly, I will take care of my hygiene. I will get the flavoured mint spicy paste and apply enough to my toothbrush, wash my face with the bubbly smooth bar, and after a minute clean it with running water. After that I will make an egg, put a pinch of salt on it and stir it. After that I'll feed my brother.

Meanwhile, I smelled the aroma of soy sauce complimenting in vinegar and chicken outside and then I took a look and I saw that aling pintang was arranging her different types of ulam. I decided that I'll choose that aromatic dish because it makes my mouth watering and makes my stomach hungry. suddenly I remember that my tupperware has cracked and I can't use it anymore because yesterday I accidentally drop my bag so that I came to Lola's house and ask her if she have a extra launch box or Tupperware because mine is broken she says "Tignan mo dyan sa taas ng kabinet meron dyan mamili ka" I followed what she says and immediately got a launch box I said

"Salamat po lola" and she nodded.

I arranged the boiling hot rice in the launch box and the ulam which is adobo but I added a spice on it I also sprinkled a dried red spicy condiments and also put a liquid salty and umami taste and that's all and I packed all my things and ride a jeep about 15-30 minutes depends on the driver after that my 2nd ride is the bus which is the Roosevelt to Guadalupe about 50 minutes to 1 hour ride and the last ride is jeep again, to make it to school. The estimated commute ride is about 1-2 hours ride from My home to Maximo Estrella Senior High school.

That is my daily work in my life but wait… after that tiring day I came home from school and charged myself laying in bed, rubbing my tired eyes, in a few minutes. After that, I needed to do my pending school work, especially the presentation of moving images for my entrepreneur class and suddenly I heard my auntie calling me outside.

I swiftly stand up and sprint to their house and the first I saw is my Grandma and my mother being her pillow, chasing her breath, mom and auntie repeatedly calling her

" Mama, mama, gumising ka. kumapit ka.

I called the ambulance but it was like a turtle to arrive I take the another plan which is to find a tricycle or any vehicle that can carry my Grandma so I use the bicycle go full speed and a few minutes going back I had a tricycle with me and we lift up together to tricycle and Mama and Auntie come along to the hospital.

After that I stay in the house with my siblings and cannot rest my eyes. My brain is subconsciously thinking something, it feels like it's not a true occurrence, unable to speak, can't sleep and overthinking. The sun goes up and they arrive in tears. They didn't tell me but how their body language showed me. My emotions are overfilling me, I cannot feel anything, cannot speak, can't eat, don't have the urge to do my work, and have an abnormal heartbeat.

After that experience many things changed and I realised that I should have cherished the time that we have in our loved ones because only time can tell if our hourglass is finished.

[ant-mer-12]

"The Lighter Side" Items ~ Gags, Cartoons, etc,

#1:

A man goes into a pub, aka, bar for US residents, goes up to the bar and asks for a Vodka Martini. However, before he can drink this, a monkey runs along and dips its willy (male anatomy) in it. Annoyed with this he asked for and received another drink free of cost. Again, the same thing occurred. This occurred at least 6 more times. Eventually the man demanded to see the manager, who was playing the piano.

The customer walked over and said, "Do you know there's a monkey dipping its willy in my Martini?", to which the Manager who thought this was a new song to play on the piano replied, "No. But if you hum the first few bars, I might be able to pick it up!".

#2:

On a very busy morning one day at Melbourne Airport, the following conversation occurred (this is actually a joke):

Caller: "Can you tell me how long it takes to fly from Melbourne to New York, please?"

Phone Operator answering another call: "Just a minute please"

Caller: "Bloody hell (dang for US residents) that's fantastic", then ends the phone call

#3:

Two men were arguing the potency of Irish Whiskey versus Scotch Whiskey, please note that Atheists don't believe in religion

Scotsman: "Och, Scotch Whiskey is powerful. Last year I drank half a bottle, then traveled to Berlin and back in three days"

Irishman: "That's nothing, Irish Whiskey is dynamite. The wife and I drank a full bottle last Saturday night, then got up Sunday morning and went to Catholic Mass"

Scotsman: "But you Irish always go to Mass"

Irishman: "True, but, we're Atheists!"

#4:

Hoping to impress her new boyfriend, a young lady decided to treat him to her playing the piano one night. Unfortunately, as she was halfway through a section, she accidentally farted.

At the end of her performance, he asked, "What was that tune you played, please?". She replied, "The 1812 Overture". He said, "Very good performance, however, I didn't expect to have thunder striking the dunny (toilet) during the crescendo!"

#5:

Here is a letter written by a Biddleonian mother to her adult son in Melbourne, Australia. It's full of gags, and Biddleonia is a non - existent country made up during the 1970s by an Australian Variety show, to avoid running the risk of unfairly stereotyping people from other cultures with some types of Jokes

Dear Son,

The weather here is cold, wet and still, and I hope you are the same

Your older brother has 900 people working under him.......he mows the lawn in the cemetery

Your uncle fell into a vat of Whiskey. People tried rescuing him, but, he fought them and drowned. His Death Certificate showed Cause Of Death ~ Happiness (drunk in the Whiskey). He was later cremated and it took them three weeks to put the fire out

Please let us know when you're coming home to visit, so we can be at the old address, to let you know how to get to our new address

You won't know your younger brother......he's grown another foot (extra leg and foot)

Your twin sister in New York has a boyfriend who had trouble with his hearing. At her request he had his ears fixed. It was apparently a resounding success as he said he'd heard from his brother in London for the first time in 10 years afterwards

Well, I'd better go now, as your dad is having trouble cooking a chicken. Everytime he puts it in the oven (kitchen window open) it keeps flying away

Love, your mum

#6:

A young lady decided to swim across Bass Strait one day, from Portsea Back Beach, Victoria, to Devonport, Tasmania, and back again, 200 km (128 miles) each way. She took 18 hours to reach Tasmania, then returned to Victoria in 40 minutes.....the elastic waistband of her bikini bottom was caught on the pier

#7:

A Postal Delivery person reached a letterbox and asked the occupant who was in the front garden, "Can you tell me who this is, please? This name is obliterated (not readable)", to which the reply was, "No, we're Fitzgerald"

#8:

Two cows were in a paddock one day, when one said, "Moo!". The other cow said, "Damn, I was about to say that!"

#9:

Visual humour