#i absolutely set some of these to be in the most emotionally devastating place possible (while still being accurate)

[lilareviewsbooks]

Short SFF Books!

I know getting into SFF can be difficult because of the sheer size of series and books in the genres. So here’s a couple of speculative fiction picks that don’t require that much time to read :)

I’ve also made a part two for this, so check that out if you’d like some more short SFF!

This Is How You Lose The Time War, by Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone

209 pages

sapphic rep

standalone

This one is a classic when it comes to short sci-fis (thank you, Bigolas Dickolas), and that’s definitely for a reason! This Is How You Lose The Time War is a story in an incredibly unique format that will, to be honest, probably emotionally devastate you in some way or another. 

Time War follows Red and Blue, two agents working for opposite sides of, you know it, a time war. Their job is to travel through time to change the odds for their respective “agencies”. But, of course, they can’t resist leaving each other messages along in the way - in the most unique manners possible.

This queer novella will take your breath away. It will lead you through multiple timelines, split into two perspectives, Red and Blue, with a beautiful, lyrical writing style, which will make you so invested in our two main characters. The author duo treats us to these fantastical, vivid settings, which are sparkling with potencial and leave you wanting to dive deeper.

Silver In The Wood, by Emily Tesh

112 pages

achillean rep

duology

This is part of the Greenhollow Duology, but can absolutely be read as a standalone. It’s also one of my all time favorites! Silver In The Wood follows Tobias, a groundskeeper who lives deep in the woods. When Henry Silver moves into the house Tobias watches, things change - there’s something in the woods, and Tobias might just have to introduce Henry to it. 

It’s been a while since I read this, but I haven’t forgotten about it. I’m always thinking about this book. The vibes are simply immaculate, and so cozy. It will literally make you feel like you’re in the woods. The character work is excellent, and focuses on older protagonists, which is always a treat. The romance is well-constructed and the second book is completely optional, taking place almost as a side-quest for the main couple. 

I wish there were so many more of these, but unfortunately there are only two. But damn, are they great! Highly recommend, Silver In The Wood and its sequel, Drowned Country!

The Singing Hills Cycle, by Nghi Vo

100 to 128 pages 

non-binary and sapphic rep

series

The Singing Hills Cycle is a good one to recommend, because it’s very low-commitment. You can pick whichever one of the three books (there’s soon to be a fourth!!) draws your interest, you can start with that one, and then go from there. The series follows Chih, a wandering cleric, from the Wandering Hills Abbey, which is preoccupied with keeping records of the history of this China-inspired kingdom. Chih goes around the territory with his talking bird Almost Brilliant, collecting stories.

This series is beautiful! Every book contains in it a beautiful exploration of folklore, and bite-sized story that will always warm your heart. Chih is a wonderful character around which to revolve this story, and their commitment to keeping records and history flows off the page - which is hella important, let’s record our history, folks! The side characters that show up on a book-by-book basis are always the best, and their dialogue is always the best part.

I highly recommend listening to the audiobook - I did so for the last installment,  Into The Riverlands, and it was amazing! Just a 2 hour listen, if that sells ya!

The Murderbot Diaries, starting with All Systems Red, by Martha Wells

144 to 256 pages

queer rep of all kinds! yay!

series

The Murderbot Diaries is for those of us looking for a bigger committment. The series currently has 7 books, one of which is a full-length novel. However, you can read the first book as a standalone and decide if you’d like to continue on following Murderbot’s adventures! Most of the books are 150 - 200 pages long, and so are a pretty quick read!

This is perfect if you enjoy a snarky narration style and a compelling protagonist who’s trying to figure out how they fit into the world. Murderbot, our main character and narrator, is a SecUnit, that is, a security android, that must accompany a scientific expedition to a distant planet, to keep the explorers safe. But Murderbot has hacked its security mode, and enjoys watching TV shows and chilling by itself. But when the mission starts to go wrong, it might need to perk up and start - oh, no! - interacting with the humans.

Although I haven’t read the whole series yet, - I’m waiting for the mood to come over me, okay! - I have the first three books under my belt, and I’m so excited to continue. Murderbot has this spark and this snark which is just so entertaining to read, and so this book will have you laughing and rooting for it as it tries to figure out how to fit in in human society. Such a compelling character, and I’m happy there’s a lot of content out there for me to consume.

The Emperor’s Soul, by Brandon Sanderson

192 pages

no gay rep :(

standalone

The Emperor’s Soul is a part of Mr. Sanderson’s Elantris universe, but can be read as a standalone without knowing anything else about this world. It’s a bit of a different rec - Mr. Sanderson’s writing style is - and I mean this in the politest way possible - dry as fuck, and definitely not for everyone. But there’s something here I think is worth your time.

The magic system here is so unique and so fascinating. The Emperor’s Soul follows Shai, a Forger, who can copy objects flawlessly by re-writing their history. But, suddenly, she’s enlisted to do the impossible - Forge the Emperor.

I would give this one a try, even if it’s not like all the others one I recommended. It’s a good read, and Mr. Sanderson is, like it or not, a classic fantasy writer that’s a must-read for most fantasy fans. And, for me, this and then Mistborn were perfect stepping in points for his fiction.

I have so many of these, guys. Like, literally, so many. So, let me know if you want more of these - I’ll write up another post! And if you’d more specific recs, feel free to drop an ask :) 

Also, check out my SFF books with queer-normal worlds list, if you’re looking for more gay stuff!

[raayllum]

Obviously it doesn't make everything instantly better between them, but from Callum's POV, he's seen Rayla was (somehow) right in her paranoia about Viren and he is in fact alive (just was unable to find him). What do you think Callum might feel or think about her leaving now, or if it does change at all?

This is a tricky one I’ve been sitting on because like, there’s a few layers to this

We know from the end of TTM that Callum didn’t ever fully believe that Viren was alive. He trusted what Rayla thought / had seen, enough to commit himself to her mission wholeheartedly, and it was his idea to leave as soon as possible to set out and complete it. (Callum may have even had it in his head that he’d be the one who would have to kill Viren, if they did find him, since cold blooded murder is something Rayla has never been able to accomplish with her blades.) So his concern was less “Viren may be alive” and more “I want to keep you alive/safe” which he reflects in TTM: “Together. That’s the most important thing” (reminiscent of “Taking Zym home to Xadia, that’s the most important thing we’ll ever do”). 

So I think the two biggest blows was 1) I can’t protect her and 2) She abandoned me. Number one is what is on his mind then probably for the bulk of the timeskip with the abandonment taking (somewhat) of a back seat, as while he says “This will will always be the anniversary of the day she left,” his birthday ends on a somber note of love and loss, being unsure of whether the girl he loves is even still alive.

Then, Rayla returns - unharmed, of her own accord, in S4 out of nowhere after two years. She certainly seems to be less of a wreck than he is, even when they reunite (which makes sense, as she had time to at least emotionally prepare, and he had no time at all). Cue “She abandoned me” coming to the forefront, and the anger about it being what makes Callum shut down / try to leave first in order to protect himself. It works, marginally. 

Callum is also a little (rightfully in some ways) petty about it. He doesn’t think that Rayla’s come back for him, after all.

C: So why are you back? Guess you must’ve found Viren, huh? Was he dead, after all?

This is a hit in a couple of ways. First reaffirms that Callum still doesn’t think Viren was ever alive (and that Rayla had in some ways left for nothing, to kill a target that was already in the grave), that Rayla probably couldn’t kill him (implied) even if she did find him (thus returning successfully bc she didn’t need to do anything), and that Rayla had only come back because her mission was over. Again, not choosing him.

Then Rayla corrects him and admits her failure while looking at her wrist.

R: I didn’t find him.

Absolutely devastating, thank you. So Callum processes, quick as a whip, jumps over “You came back for me then” and right into “you could’ve come back at any time / wouldn’t have left at all if you had just trusted me” and oof. Leading to his “So you disappeared for two years for no reason at all?” which is both technically true and not 100% fair. Rayla left to try to get closure that Viren was dead and they (particularly Callum) were actually safe, and neither of those things were nothing to her, even if they didn’t amount to anything. 

More on how Callum may feel like he failed Rayla (and how he feels like she failed him) here if you’re interested

Then they start slowly rebuilding, largely through action and re-familiarity, and Callum has basically entirely thawed by the end of 4x06 (even if again, big feelings still aren’t ready to be discussed, which is what the end of 4x09 signifies bc he’s turned a corner) and then. 

Viren shows up again, with Callum looking almost scared - we know he has reservations of some kind of way about Viren (and possibly his predecessor being what led to Rayla leaving in the first place, the ghost she just couldn’t shake)

Then sadness as Callum, presumably, realizes that (as far as he knows) Rayla has been right this whole time 

And Rayla says she has to go after Viren and Callum looks surprised

Because he really thought, this time, that she’d stay. This whole time, Callum has been taking her choice to leave very personally - and very understandably so! - but in this moment, this scene, he realizes it was never about him. Not really. The same way Rayla left her letter in hopes of comforting him but also first and foremost, honestly, for herself. This is a part of her she cannot cut out even now that she’s honestly and earnestly tried, even though she came back for him, and now she has to leave again. 

So I don’t think Viren actually being alive recontextualizes her initial decision for him that much, but I do think it makes the fact that she comes back again in 4x09 - in the wake of 100% verified proof - all the more meaningful to him than it already was. He can’t change this part of her, he was also testing himself to see if he could let go and he can’t do that either, but he can love her and he does, and he finally lets himself admit he’s happy she’s back to her face - he finally starts to let himself say it to the person who needs to hear it the most

It’s certainly not all healed. He’s never going to like/approve of Rayla risking herself in the manner she does. Rayla still needs to learn all her lessons there (which, if she ever learns the truth about Viren’s ressurection, may help). And there’s so much left to talk about / work through - but now Callum’s willing to talk about it, and I can’t wait to see their development next season

[nace-maisel]

I just finished listening to the happy place audiobook and I have some thoughts.

First and foremost, Julia Whelan is an amazing and I mean amazing narrator, I'm going to have trouble going to other audiobooks now that I have experienced most of Emily's books through her voice. That said, I wanted to talk a little bit about what I loved about this book and what disappointed me, seeing as it is the last book I had to read to finish reading all of Emily's books.

I feel like the magic of Emily's books, the secret ingredient that has absolutely hooked me... Is that all of her main characters have some type of deep emotional trauma that comes from their childhood. It makes her characters more real, tangible, and relatable. It also makes the conflict between the main couple logical, and their resolutions satisfying because the characters have worked through their trauma and communicated openly about it.

The first half of happy place completely broke me. I mean I had to take walks and remember to breathe because the angst from the memories and their impossible "fake dating" situation had my heart all scrunched up.

Harriet believed Wyn had stopped loving her. That she made him miserable, that she couldn't be enough for him to stay or to be happy. We later learn that Wyn was simply overwhelmed with grief and suffering from depression. Harriet's efforts to make everything seem fine, to need as little as possible so he could have space to get better, were received as a sign of disinterest, which is so heartbreaking.

I feel that Harriet is so raw and in so much pain... And we never get a real apology from Wyn. We get an explanation, sure, and it makes sense, but it didn't feel satisfying to me that that man wasn't groveling and begging for forgiveness after breaking her heart like that. I get that things are overwhelmingly familiar between them, that they just fit together, and saying "I'll always love you", "I always want to be near you", "you could never annoy me" seem like totally normal things to say to the woman whose heart you shattered and who you haven't talked to in 6 months.

When they were in the boat and Harry says she wants to call him out for it, I wanted her to do so. We never got to see that fight, the "you shattered me and the fact that you still love me is not enough for me to recover from that kind of devastation" fight. I know they talk a bunch about the why of it all and, logically, it made sense, but emotionally, a Harriet that grew up terrified of people walking out, so much that she makes herself as little as possible to avoid confrontation, need more to go back to a relationship, in my opinion.

My other gigantic nitpick is that I don't feel like her decision to leave medicine completely makes sense. At the beginning of the book Harry likes her residency, even though she isn't that enamoured with the neurosurgery of it all, she enjoys doing scut work, treating patients, and helping in any way she can. Then, suddenly, towards the end of the book, that's not the life she wants. Yes, she is exhausted, and she wants to have a life, and she feels like doing all that work was more for her parents' approval than for herself. I still see her as a family medicine doctor though. Setting up a practice herself and taking care of families or even as a pediatrician.

Most of the book is spent with her processing her life through the lens of medical reactions, it's her way to calm down, to settle. And she is just giving it completely up? ...nah.

Anyway, as per usual I had to ramble on about Emily Henry's books, or else I will go insane. Can't wait to re-read every single one of them!

[herbofgraceandpeace]

Thoughts on Dexter so far (that’s what I’ve been binging the last couple of days):

this is it, this is my trash tv show that’s so good in my head—I could write the greatest Christian redemption arc ever for this show, and I mean that not just thematically, but like literally. I want to see Dexter Morgan become a Christian. I didn’t get that with blorbos before, but now I do. I am OBSESSED (although who knows for how long, I’m not planning to watch all of this, lol)

I miss good tv so much (not you, the bear, you’re an angel, and we’re glad you’re here). It’s so well written (aside from the choices I deplore), the music and direction are great, and the acting is phenomenal, particularly from Michael C. Hall, I hope he won SO many awards for this. I keep being like, “eh he’s not that good, he’s just got an angry face,” and then Boom, suddenly he looks normal, gentle, vulnerable, and you realize how extraordinary his acting is all along!!! He portrays so much so well, and his consistency in showing his character arc (across two seasons so far) has been so excellent that I have barely even thought about it till now.

Deb Morgan is so woman, much girl. She’s such a woman written by somebody. She’s so broken and twisted and foolish and desperate and annoying and lovable. Also undoubtedly a victim of sexual liberation!!!!! That woman will hookup with a random stranger she just met and then be like why am I emotionally devastated. She is looking for love in all the wrong places. I love her sibling dynamic with Dexter, they play a convincing pair of weird and damaged siblings—plus I feel like brother-sister dynamics are pretty rare in media generally? And I’ve got brothers myself, so it’s interesting personally to see that played out.

Angel Batista, my beloved.

Sargent Doakes, my beloathed.

Lieutenant LaGuerta, I love you too, you sinner. I was so mad at her when I found out she was sleeping with her friend’s fiancé and gaslighting her about it in order to get her job back from her friend (who was not to blame for getting promoted when LaGuerta got demoted, plus they didn’t even know each other then). I was so, so angry at her for being corrupt, and then I realized—that’s it, that’s the point. There is none no one righteous, not even one. I keep looking for a righteous character who can save Dexter from his sin, his addiction, his evil choices, whatever you want to call it: and no one can do it because everyone else ALSO has evil within them!! [that’s why we need Someone set apart, Someone holy and innocent of the guilt we all share, but Someone who is among us, dwells with us and changes us by His presence. I could write a Christian arc for this show so well, but I digress.]

Rita, my beloved, you are so great, and I desperately want you to save Dexter, even though that’s not possible!!! Also, how dreadful to know your stupid arc in advance, I am so sorry for you. The women in this show are lowkey fantastic, although there are definitely some messed up elements with how sex is depicted and how that affects the women (and the men too!!) of the show. Rita’s strength is in love and forgiveness; her growth in confidence comes from her genuine healing, and it’s beautiful to see.

Lila, my beloathed, I hate you with a fiery passion even thought you have made some good points and had a few interesting interactions. However, she is an obnoxious girlboss-sex fantasy-self centered-maniac most of the time, and even the realistic parts of her character simply annoy me. I feel like this infidelity arc with her and Dexter is completely unnecessary and it makes absolutely no sense to me? Or at least, it is inconsistent with previously established aspect of Dexter’s character and arc: I myself can imagine some possible explanations and ways to spin this, but they don’t exist in the show!! So he’s just randomly both in love with Rita (even if he isn’t admitting it) and cheating on her. Which like, okay let’s talk about why he’s letting his sin conquer his love!!!! Let’s talk about how this connects to his dark secret and his past trauma!!! But noooo, all they want is weird sex scenes and girlboss monologues from this unlikeable character.

this post is too long, so I’m gonna stop, but I just want to say it’s really funny to me how my brain keeps going “Dexter is a serial killer. This is just like being a vampire, which is a metaphor for being dead in our sins. Wow, this is a Christian show” because that is DEFINITELY not what the show writers intended. But I have read too many analyses of vampire shows by the tumblr girls, I know how this works!!!

more thoughts on the show probably forthcoming in the future, but yeah, that’s what I’ve got so far

[castlebyersafterdark]

I know youre a bit overwhelmed with messages but i just rewatched s4 with this clear head and i have so many thoughts about mileven and byler. I really tried to go in neutral, ignoring everything the theories and details have told me, i even ate some food meanwhile and painted my nails so i got the effect of being a casual viewer who missed shit haha. i ignored things i learnt in literature and art class and acted like it was a chill weekday evening to kick back with some light entertainment (lol).

and genuinely, as an experiment, i focused on mike and el's scenes and tried to empathise with milevens.

and what i got from it, is: the 'breakup' in el's bedroom is striking because of the use of music. it is a variation of 'Eulogy', one of the most moving pieces in the soundtrack. i was transported back to s1 and s2; the song played when Bob died. I had a surge of nostalgia for early season mileven, and a sense of an ending. a deep resignation, mainly on el's part.

throughout the middle of the series, it's clear that 1) el's focus is very much on herself, on her past, and brenner. even at rink o mania, she was focused more on angela than mike. i don't remember any scenes where we get El's pov regarding Mike, or her and mike together, until that 'breakup' scene.

and 2), even ignoring things like lighting style and colouring, its clear that byler scenes place focus in unusual places, like NOT on the person speaking. for example, in the van, when mike is worrying about el, the dialogue would suggest that this is the main focus. and yet, mike is blurred, and we see will gazing at him. it happens time and again, with mike gazing at will too, when he speaks. we know all this, but it really does itch your subconscious slightly - but only if you think about it, aka the perfect set up for a major plot twist.

i realised that only if you were watching the show at absolute face value specifically regarding what is said, could you still believe that in the van scene, mike did not understand that the painting and feelings were will's. Whether mike allows himself to acknowledge the true meaning of will painting him such a picture is what is in contention.

and it was here that I started to realise that the people who still root for mileven interpret the world differently to others, and there's very little the writers could have done to sway them in storytelling terms. even in s5 I am sure these people will think byler comes out of the blue. These are the kinds of people who get annoyed and bored in literature class when a teacher says a book has themes and symbols.

I got to the final ep, and quite honestly, taking mike's monologue at face value verbally, it became clear that El is the one who is giving negative responses. The lightning, overall tone, her crying. Her disinterest, with mike thrown into sharp contrast to brenner who just told her the world has more nuance than good vs evil. I believe brenner was a terrible man who had much wisdom, proving his own point.

And the real kicker: the repeated cuts to Will simply made me feel... well, heartbroken. I hit the epilogue, and it's just Will's little face, still entirely with that selfless innocence he always had, peering out of the van at the devastation in Hawkins. Mike looks at him from behind in that strange rack focus shot. And I just burst into tears at the idea that Will was here, back home, exactly the same as he always has been emotionally, sad and gay and in love with his best friend, who is happily back with his own girlfriend, a couple 'so stable' that they didnt even need to discuss the events on screen. Ofc an unrequited gay love in the 80s (or anytime) if a realistic possibility for a fictional character, but for THIS show, for the very specific way THIS story has been told, the idea of Will finishing his s4 off the way he began it is just devastating.

I'll admit that when s4 began and I realised Will liked Mike, I was all for some heartwrenching unrequited gay love. I was like bring it Will! Been there with ya. It made Will the everyman we all root for. But the way they handled the rest of the season, I genuinely fail to see how any average viewer, even one painting their nails, would be able to enjoy any mileven scene when we always, always, cut back to Will and his heartbreak.

The whole show has had an elephant in the room which is that Will is the key to what happened in the first place. Its an unsolved mystery, for people to think he is suddenly irrelevant or has been forgotten by the writers really stumps me. Maybe I've seen too many musicals, so I know there's always a reprise. Even though it's been like 8 years, I never thought for a second the writers would forget to tie up the mystery of little Will lost, because it's so key and also... so interesting. It's the Main Mystery. Why Will?!?!

So no shade, but I can only assume that anyone still rooting for mileven is genuinely not very intelligent, or has an agenda. We been knew, but it was fascinating to watch from this POV. It didnt tell me anything about what WILL happen in s5 regarding the love triangle, and I'm ready to be totally taken by surprise. But certainly there was nothing joyful about s4 mileven, so I can only assume that mileven fans are simply upset and angry and in deep denial. It's horrible that this should manifest as anger and hate, but I just have to hope everyone stays safe, especially our fav boys portraying them. For Noah or Finn to receive hate mail when byler happens would be awful.

I also recommend a rewatch from a casual pov if possible... it's really nice to get into the other themes and storylines and view the show holistically!

Thank you for sharing this!! When I get really detailed, long messages like this from you guys, it's honestly so cheerful and sweet, yall make my heart ache in the very best way. I love this part of blogging and fandom. Coming together about the joy and celebration of this silly piece of media we adore and which captivates our brains so deeply is awesome.

What a fun and fascinating idea - trying to watch with fresh eyes. I think this is a truly beneficial experience for anyone this entrenched in fandom. Laughing at you setting the scene and adding in your parameters for your experiment - the food and nails and switching the mind to chill mode. So funny. But so useful! What do you notice when you're not hyper analyzing it? And so, that's wild the music track playing you've noticed. The music tracks in this show are crazy and I'd love if one day the thought process was broken down as to the repeat uses in scenes like this, howvtheyve decided to use it to hint at the story. Because an average watcher would likely never pick up on it. But score is super meaningful.

I'm not gonna rehash all you wrote because you explained so clearly those observations and I agree with and love all the insight. Highlighting this:

and it was here that I started to realise that the people who still root for mileven interpret the world differently to others, and there's very little the writers could have done to sway them in storytelling terms. even in s5 I am sure these people will think byler comes out of the blue. These are the kinds of people who get annoyed and bored in literature class when a teacher says a book has themes and symbols.

I genuinely fail to see how any average viewer, even one painting their nails, would be able to enjoy any mileven scene when we always, always, cut back to Will and his heartbreak.

This is key. Surface level or not - I also fail to see how Mlvn is something to root for. They haven't given us that story. It's interesting and unexpected - a multi-directional metaphor. Cookie cutter cliche: everything works out. But that's not where we are season 4. They can't come out the otherside unchanged. Some things don't work out. Our heroes did mostly fail. Hawkins split. Foe the moment, Henry won. And love didn't fix anything. Because it wasn't love. How do people miss this? The message isn't going to be heartbreak. Mike and El are not our centering saviors. I think that's gonna be Will. Meaning... 🤔

You've made excellent observations I'm not going to just parrot. But I love this idea of a casual rewatch. It's been awhile since I've sat and watched the show in full, maybe this should be a worthwhile experiment. Try to watch this show fresh. Not any time soon, but in the near future I'll indulge like you've done here. All for the sake of research!

[layzeal]

MDZS Audio Drama Listening Guide

AKA Lace has listened to the Audio Drama an unholy amount of times and might as well put her knowledge to good use

(Suibian Subs) (NanaBeingNana) (Episode Guide by pumpkinpaix) (Purchasing guide for iOS)

NOTE: This is my own, personal opinion on what’s the preferable order to watch the MDZS Audio Drama extras.

The AD is by far the most accurate adaptation we have, and not only it follows the novel 1:1, it adds quite a lot of content that had only been left implied or left off-screen in the original text. However, there are also some events that do happen in the novel, but had to be put aside in an extra episode, either because of time restraints or for the sake of pacing. So, I’ve tried to set up this list to compensate it! The order is either based on at which point we learn such events in the novel, or if this event isn’t in the text, then it’s based on what I believe the best time to listen to the extra would be.

If you feel overwhelmed by the amount of extras and don’t know where to start, hold my hand and i’ll show you the way (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و

(The letters with an * after some episodes names refer to Gacha Episode tiers, collected by SuibianSubs. I’ve just put it there so you can more easily find it on the folders.)

Season 1

Episode 1

Chance Encounter (N*)

Episode 2

Episode 3

No

Episode 4

Escape

Make-up (link)

Good Fortune (SSR*)

Sleeping Together

Episode 5

Instant Success (SR*)

Autumn Wind and Dewdrops (R*)

Female Cultivators

Beard

Paper Balls

Invinting Friends (SSR*)

Fear of Dogs

Cultivation Through Meditation (R*)

Episode 6

Loquat

Ants

Taking Responsibility for One’s Actions (R*)

Deciding When It's Time (R*)

Better to Not Make Enemies (N*)

Longing to Speak Yet Unable to (R*)

Keeping Rabbits

Episode 7

Eating Watermelon

Simple Mindedness (N*)

Episode 8

Startled and Shocked (N*)

Gifting a Dog

Be Adaptable to Circumstances (R*)

Episode 9

Lamentations Over Injustice (N*)

Episode 10

Director

Overwhelmed by an Unexpected Favour (SR*)

Episode 11

Combined Efforts (R*)

Glutinous Rice

Episode 12

Preach To Impart Knowledge (R*)

Season 2

Episode 1

Caught Unaware (N*)

Things Remain but People Change (N*)

Articulate (R*)

Episode 2

Parting Ways (N*)

Episode 3

Episode 4

Flower Damsel

To Gain a Sharp Edge (R*)

First Meeting with Wen Ning

Episode 5

The Game of Life (R*)

The Adventures of Paperman Xian

Episode 6

Washing Clothes

Completely Incompatible (R*)

Episode 7

Flower Banquet

Episode 8

Carefree (R*)

Powerless (N*)

Episode 9

Lotus Seeds

Episode 10

Happy to Help Others (SR*)

Founder Story

Episode 11

Dulcet Melody (R*)

Lap Pillow

Episode 12

Yunmeng Youths

Episode 13

Episode 14

Episode 15

Wavering Heart (R*)

Episode 16

Childhood

Cutting Melon

Season 3

Episode 1

Filled with Noble Aspirations and Courage

Delivering Soup

Duplicity (N*)

Episode 2

Tossing Flowers

Drunk

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Planting Radishes

Simple and Naive (R*)

Take Root (R*)

Episode 6

Helping Others (R*)

Mending a Relationship (SR*)

Love Letter

Daydream (R*)

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

A-Yuan and Rabbits

Episode 10

Episode 11

Episode 12

A Lost Desire (N*)

Episode 13

Episode 14

Episode 15

Episode 16

Episode 17

Novel Extras

Family Banquet

Into the dream 1, 2, 3 and 4

Villainous Friends

Lose Money to Do Away with Misfortune (N*)

Leaving a Mark (R*)

From Dawn to Dusk

Intrusion

Iron Hook

Lotus Seed Pod

Dream Come True

Miscellaneous Extras

These are extras that don’t particularly fit into the list, or would feel disruptive and awkward when placed somewhere there, so i’ve decided to set them in a different list. You may watch them after you’re finished with the other episodes, in whatever order you wish!

Bogao Gifting a Swan (SR*)

Out with the Old In with the New (SSR*)

Respect Between Spouses (SR*)

Matchmaking

Harmonious as the Lute and Psaltery (SSR*)

Following Heart's Desire (R*)

Flying Thoughts (SR*)

Always Remain Smiling (R*)

Accompanying You to Sleep: Lan Qiren

Accompanying You to Sleep: Wei Wuxian

Accompanying You to Sleep: Lan Wangji

Sound Asleep (SR*) - (The JC version of the ones above)

Chilli Pepper (N*)

Disputes From Gossips (N*)

Oof! I think that’s it! Thank you for your patience haha, and I hope you enjoy the Audio Drama as much as I do! Remember to please purchase it on the official app if you’re able!

[twstheadcanons]

Self-Indulgent TWST Geography

A long post of generalised geography headcanons for the world of TWST complete with continents for my own personal needs.  The post divides locations by Continent.

Anyway why is there a homeland whose name is just the definition of a desert.

Continents (and ocean)

Errant - a western continent in Twisted Wonderland. Mzunguko - the second largest continent in Twisted Wonderland.   Yalmae - the largest continent in Twisted Wonderland.   Abíní - a continent West of Errant. Tridente Ocean - the largest ocean in Twisted Wonderland.

Errant

Rose Kingdom – a country in the western region of Errant. It isn’t a particularly large country, and traveling from it to its neighbouring countries is possible via buses or car. Crownsshire – a county in Rose Kingdom Crowns – the capital  of Crownsshire. It is the town Riddle, Trey, and Che’nya live in.  

Land of Pyroxene – a large country in Errant.  Known for its cold, snowy winters and history with legends pertaining to five of the Great Seven. Waldburg – province Vil’s family is from.  Largely influenced by another country within Errant. Argent – a province in Land of Pyroxene.   Verre – a city in Argent.  Trein and Cater are from here.  Félicité Cosmetics originates here. Miroir – a province in Land of Pyroxene.  Has a large outlet mall popular with fashion-lovers and shopaholics.  The Ténèbres brand originates here. Enchantée – a town in Miroir. Jack and Vargas live here, whilst Vil and his father move here. Scharlachrot - a province in Land of Pyroxene. Epel’s Village of Harvest resides here, and is famous for its widespread organic produce.

Isle of Lamentation – island country, its popularised global name is a translation from the isle’s original Nísos Thrínos.  It has robust technological advancements and is the homeland of the popular idol group On the Edge, known for having concerts with elaborate imagery and visual effects from some of the best technicians available.  Due to legends of the God of the Underworld,  dogs are extremely popular on the Isle of Lamentation. Kapnós – capital of the Isle of Lamentations where the Shroud family resides.  

Valley of Thorns – an isolated country small in population, largely consisting of a large mountain range.  The closer one is to where its Queen resides, the colder it gets.  It is said the Valley of Thorns can go weeks with nothing but moonlight. Geimhreadh - technically the name of the forest near the Valley of Thorns’ mountain range, where the Queen makes her home at its peak.  Its name spread to the residential areas nearby.

Mzunguko

Afterglow Savannah – country in Mzunguko,  ‘Afterglow’ acts as a loose translation of its name, Baadaye.  It lies in eastern Mzunguko.  Famous for its royal guards and leading role in nature conservation. Kiburi – a county in the east of the Afterglow Savannah. Mwamba – capital of Kiburi, where the Kingscholar royal family lives. Maisha – a county in Afterglow Savannah, with its capital sharing the same name.   Jioni – a town in Maisha.  Ruggie and his family live here.

Manyoya – county in Afterglow Savannah.  Well-known for a famously expansive library and a high population of avian beastfolk. Uzuri  – a city in Manyoya, where Rook is from.

Yalmae

Land of Hot Sands – one of many countries in the continent of Yalmae,.  Within the country, it’s referred to as Aldif’.  Rich with its magical history and origins of astrology, Aldif’ nurtures Magicians skilled in divination.  It has a vivid musical scene as well. Misbah - governate of Aldif’. Yatamanaa – capital of Misbah, a largely lucrative city within Aldif’ and city where Kalim and Jamil live.

Abíní

Port of Jubilee - a diverse nation where Sam’s family lives, owning an extensive emporium.  A vast amount of cultures reside in Port of Jubilee, many sharing common ancestors and languages with one another. Nanm - province in Port of Jubilee. Sekrè - port town in Nanm that Sam is from.  His family owns an impressive emporium popular with locals.

Tridente Ocean

Coral Sea - a sea within the Tridente Ocean.  Many of coastlines range across countries within Errant, Mzunguko, and Yalmae.  Beneath its waters lies a kingdom sharing the same name as the sea.  

Name Trivia

Continents (and ocean)

Errant - the continent of Errant has the homelands based off movies such as Alice in Wonderland, Snow White, Hercules, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, and Cinderella.  The name stems from certain scenes in the movie marking a particular moment the protagonists feel out of place or stray off the expected course.

Alice in Wonderland: Alice’s misadventures begin when she makes the decision to follow a strange rabbit, straying off the course of simply reading and studying as her sister wished, where the curious and at worst annoying strange creatures and nature of Wonderland take a turn when she meets the Caterpillar, who questions Alice’s place and identity, and the stress of her situation and being unable to return home overwhelms her emotionally.

Snow White - the horrific moment Snow White, in a state of panic, rushes through a dark forest, where her fears envision hidden horrors within the trees and wildlife.

Hercules - after refusing to listen to Phil’s warnings about Megara being in cahoots with Hades, Hercules faces the devastating fact that Megara (reluctantly) deceived him, and loses his superhuman strength and faith in himself.

Sleeping Beauty - shortly after meeting a man she falls for, Aurora becomes devastated and resigned to her fate being betrothed to a complete stranger out of responsibility for her future and country.

Beauty and the Beast - Maurice’s ventures through a mysterious forest consequently leads him to the Beast’s castle in a desperate attempt to escape cold, only to be imprisoned by the Beast for intruding, ultimately putting the story into motion.  After Belle makes a deal to swap places with her father and free him, Belle starts off terrified and in over her head despite saving her father’s life.

Cinderella - after the mice’s hard work creating a fitting ballgown for Cinderella to enjoy the ball, her stepsisters ruin the dress and Cinderella’s chances of leaving her oppressive family’s home.  Her distress and tears lead her to meeting the Fairy Godmother.

Mzunguko - “circle” in Swahili, the language prominent in Lion King’s names, lyrics, and Rafiki’s dialogue, as well as the official language of Kenya, where much of the movie’s settings take inspiration and blatantly feature.  Taken from the iconic “Circle of Life” song.

Tridente Ocean - “trident” in Italian.  Yes, I hear you.  The author is from Denmark.  The statue is in Denmark.  The movie references the statue in Denmark.  However the surname Ashengrotto and Azul’s mother running a ristorante screams Italian and there’s the overall edgy mafia vibe the Octatrio has going on.  I win this one.

Yalmae -  “shine” in Arabic (يلمع).  I wanted a name that illustrated the vibrant, lively diversity of the continent’s many countries, cultures, flora, and fauna.  Something akin to a name that inspires a welcoming feeling.

Abíní - “morning” in Navajo.  I wanted a name that inspires energy and enthusiasm, like a sunrise in summer.  

Homelands

Rose Kingdom

Crownsshire - just the most painfully English name I could think of.  “Crown” refers to, naturally, the crown of the Queen of Hearts.  Also decided to make the Rose Kingdom its own, smaller, more limited country, instead of allowing its apparent monarchy to leech off 20+ different countries Crowns - do you have any idea how genuinely shocking it is we don’t actually have a town here named this.

Afterglow Savannah

Baadaye - “afterglow” in Swahili.  The official and native name of the Afterglow Savannah.  Interestingly, my findings found translations of it meaning “future” as well, which I consider fitting. Kiburi - “pride” in Swahili, can refer to a ‘pride of lions’ or confidence (often overconfidence). Mwamba - “rock” in Swahili, alluding to the Pride Rock that Mufasa’s pride resides in. Maisha - “life” in Swahili. Jioni - “evening” in Swahili.  This refers to where anywhere the sun doesn’t reach, Simba shouldn’t wander, because it’s too dangerous. Originally, I wanted to go with “Kivuri”, which means “shadow”.  However when I went to double check that ‘shadowland’ was a thing in Lion King, referring to where the Elephant Graveyard is, it’s actually a song from the Broadway musica called “Shadowland”, sung by Nala (Heather Headley). It both mourns the desolate state of the Pridelands under Scar’s tyranny, and narrates Nala’s resolve to leave and find a way to save her people and their land.  The song is absolutely gorgeous, solemn, and powerful, and contributes more than any live-action CGI Disney movie could ever come up with.  Its instrumental composition features the melody lei-motif prominent in the animated film (yes, That song.  the heartbreaking one).  It’s one of my favourites in Lion King alongside “He Lives in You” and “Not One of Us” because I like the ones where the chorus goes off. Please just listen to the Lion King Broadway soundtrack it makes me cry with how gorgeous and heartfelt it is.   Anyway in their money-grubbing ways I hope Disney puts the Broadway on Disney+ so some brave soul takes one for the team to pirate it Manyoya - intended to mean “feather”, but to my understanding it also encompasses “fur”. Uzuri - “beauty” in Swahili.  Nothing too deep here, just something pertaining to Rook.

Land of Hot Sand

Aldif’ - “warmth” in Arabic (الدفء).  Meant to allude to a comforting warmth, kind of hinting that the popularisation of “Land of Hot Sand” more or less leaves the official name lost in translation. Misbah - “lamp/light” in Arabic (مصباح), naturally referencing the magical lamp sought after throughout the movie. Yatamanaa - “wish” in Arabic (يتمنى).  Meant to be bit a bit of a cheeky play on words.  The “wish” inside the “lamp”.

Land of Pyroxene

Waldburg - Wald is "forest” in German.   References the forest that Snow White runs away into after being warned of the Evil Queen’s intentions. Argent - “silver” in French.  References Cinderella’s silver dress. Verre - “glass” in French.  References Cinderella’s glass slipper. Miroir - “mirror” in French.  References both the Mirror of Snow White and the enchanted mirror Beast gives Belle. Enchantée - “enchanted” in French.  Ties into the theme of enchantments, curses, and charms prominent in French fairy tales, and specifically makes me think of the Enchanted Rose from Beauty and the Beast.   Scharlachrot - “scarlet” in German.  References the red colour that hides the infamous green of the poison apple’s true nature.

Isle of Lamentation

Nísos Thrínos - Greek for the isle’s name. Kapnós - “smoke” in Greek.  References Hades’ iconic appearance surrounded by black smoke.

Valley of Thorns

Geimhreadh - “winter” in Irish.  References the winter court of Unseelie fae in Celtic folklore.

Port of Jubilee

Nanm - "soul” in Haiitan Creole.  References the importance of determination and drive prominent in Princess and the Frog.

Sekrè - “secret” in Haitian Creole.  References Dr Facilier’s ulterior motives.

[scriptaed]

...cause i like you?!

genre: fluff/crack; e2l!au;

pairing: jin x reader;

length: 2.1k;

synopsis: just the thought of it, no, the mere possibility of it boggles the ever so egotistical mind that belonged to kim seokjin. him? and... her? his arch enemy? his sworn nemesis whose incessant badgering he simply refuses to surrender to? struck with a capricious cold, jin’s teapot of a mind attempts to conceal its steam fall short when you pay an unexpected visit and all mayhem is set loose. when did it happen? how did it happen? no... no, it can’t be... he can’t... possibly... like her?! 

You [4:05 P.M.] are you sure this is the right address????

Dipshit Tae [4:05 P.M.] yes for hundredth time

Dipshit Tae [4:05 P.M.] why would i give you the wrong address??

You [4:06 P.M.] you mean why WOULDN’T you give me the wrong address..

You [4:06 P.M.] is that loser even home? 

Dipshit Tae [4:06 P.M.] yeah, he should be. he was texting me about how bored he was just a while ago.

You [4:06 P.M.] wait.. he was texting you?? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE WORRIED CAUSE HE WAS BEDRIDDEN AND WASN’T RESPONDING???

Dipshit Tae [4:06 P.M.] uh… yeah, he was :) I swear :) which is exactly why you’re there because YOU have a car and I don’t! 

Dipshit Tae [4:06 P.M.] aren't I a good wingman? :)

You [4:06 P.M.] I DON'T LIKE HIM 

Dipshit Tae [4:06 P.M.] awww I can see you blushing through text you

You [4:06 P.M.] I hate your guts also why isn’t he answering the door

Dipshit Tae [4:06 P.M] he’s not?? try ringing the doorbell

You [4:07 P.M.] you think I haven’t, dumbass? 

Dipshit Tae [4:07 P.M.] hold on, let me call him 

"God," your breath marks the air in white puffs as you pace in place before his house, "hurry up—"

—swoosh, the door opens magically and, lo and behold, there stands the devilish man himself, Kim Seokjin… except unlike the formidable foe, this skeptical phenomenon stands before you, lips gaping and doe-like eyes widening in utter shock rendered by your presence. You only manage a quick scan of his donned baby pink bathrobe matched with pink bunny slippers until the both of you practically jump back into an ephemeral moment seemingly frozen in time. 

Just as his phone rings, Jin quickly slams the door on you. His efforts prove fruitless, however, once you somehow manage to stick your foot in between his doorframe and the merciless force of his, which fortunately comes to an abrupt stop before your potential stop to the emergency room. There are trivial incidents like these—when he ignores the itch to tease you on the days you wear a frown or when he reluctantly chooses to lose an argument although you are very clearly in the wrong—that you bestow him the honorable badge of consideration… but the stubborn part of you theorizes he’s just trying to avoid a hefty hospital fee. 

“Ahem, ahem,” the boy feigns a cough into his phone, “Taehyung, can’t you tell I’m sick?”

Scoffing into the air, you call out loudly, “sick enough to slam the door so hard—”

“—ahem,” he shoots you a death glare, “sorry, I’m just so very sick. Can’t talk. Need my beauty sleep. Bye—”

“—beauty sleep?! You? Beauty?” 

It’s almost impossible to hold in your cackles; in fact, it takes you only a split second to surrender to the crackling fireworks of your laughter. The quip’s effect is shortly lived, however, when his unusual lengthy silence has you gradually settling into the cold winter air beside him. With his eyes glaring at you from underneath the dampened locks of his bangs clearly fresh out of the shower, it’s nearly impossible to deny the tiniest thought that flashes across your mind.

Sometimes, just sometimes, Jin’s pretty damn hot. 

“Are you here to tease me or what?” he retorts, burying the phone into the fluff that is his robe. “I’m not in the mood.”

“What? Pshhh,” you wave a dismissive spare hand, “silly, no!” 

“Then?” he quirks a brow whilst slowly guarding himself behind the door. “Are you here to watch me wither on my deathbed?” 

“No, will you please just let me in? I’m freezing here. I heard you were sick and classes just became too quiet without you—” and when the boy remains unconvinced by your pleas, you let out a loud sigh as your hand raises to reveal a bag of much needed warm soup “—I have food.”

He immediately swings the door wide open, “come right on in.”

“Wow, so you’re not in the mood for me but you’re in the mood for food?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Rolling your eyes at his 90 degree bow, you march your way into his halls and directly to the kitchen as you have done so in the many times you had unfortunately been paired with the most self-absorbed classmate for a group project. At this point, you know his everything like the back of your hand. From his house and his obsession with pink to his hobbies and his quirky dialogue, you, his sworn nemesis, probably know him even better than his friends… and oddly enough, you take pride in that—although you’ll never admit it. 

“So,” you say nonchalantly as you set out the utensils on his kitchen island, “what could possibly be going on in that peculiar mind of yours?”  

“Peculiar? Aw, did Y/N just call me unique?” he snorts. “I said I wasn’t in the mood for you, not anything else.”

“Okay, so,” you gesture for him to dig in despite the evident hesitation in his eyes once he seats himself across from you, “why me specifically?”

“Cause—” he stares at you confidently but struggles to spill before playing with his spoon “—cause something’s been on my mind.”

You flash a cheeky grin, “you mean I’ve been on your mind?” 

“What?!” he almost springs from his seat in absolute denial, leaning forward across the counter enough for you to take a step back. “No! Wooow, that’s just… that’s… preposterous!” 

“Alright, alright, I was just joking,” you raise two merciful hands but leave the latter half of the sentiment to yourself—because who even uses the word preposterous nowadays? Your silence, however, rightfully ends when you notice him constantly probing around at the congee, as if looking for something lurking in the soup. “Don’t worry, Jin, I didn’t poison it.” 

“Ah,” he nods, thereby confirming your completely accurate reading of his mind. 

When another second passes and you’re finally at a loss for how to prolong a conversation with Jin, you subtly join in on his silent nods; but with each succeeding nod, you begin to notice his cheeks gradually burning a flush shade of pink much stronger than his robe. 

“Jin,” you frown, “are you okay? Your face is turning really red—”

“—it’s probably the steam from the bowl,” he blurts, eyes quickly averting to his bowl before downing a big spoonful of soup into his perpetually ravenous stomach, leaving you little to no time left for you to retort. An unsettling silence follows—an undeniable rarity between the rowdy atmosphere between you two—and you begin to wonder what exactly are you staying silent for. 

You can’t possibly be… waiting for his reaction to your cooking, are you? Why does it even matter to you? Why did the flow of things become so awkward? And why is he so… jumpy? Something must be definitely off today, but, oddly enough, you don’t exactly mind this change of pace from your usual bickering comedy duo selves.

Whatever it is, the silence is deafening and you swear he can even hear you gulp. 

“Did you…” he scrunches his brows and sets his spoon to the bowl with a clink, “...did you cook this?”

“Yeah, I did,” you follow suit with a frown, “is there something wrong with it…?”

“Yeah, no, of course you did,” he leans back into his seat with a loud huff and a cross of the arms, “you added too much salt.”

“Hey! What’re you imply—”

“—but,” he cocks his head, frowning as he drowns himself deep in his nonsensical thoughts, “it just doesn’t make sense…”

“Hello? Earth to Jin?” you wave a hand across his lost gaze that remains affixed to his mystery of a meal. “What are you going on about now?” 

“There’s too much salt in this soup. So, theoretically,” his two parallel hands tap the table sequentially, as if marking some sort of a complex timeline, “this should be a terrible meal… but…”

“But…?”

It takes everything in Jin to squeeze the grand reveal out of his zipped lips and very reluctantly so. 

“But… why does it taste so good?” The utter concentration in his dartlike eyes and sheer conviction in his nearly convincing albeit silly argument makes it almost sound like he’s questioning himself, especially when he continues rambling without your response—although, really, you had nothing but a flabbergasted look. “Everything you make should theoretically taste bad but why, when it’s you and only you, does it taste… so good? It makes me—” he clutches his chest dramatically, but noticeably on the opposite side of where his heart should’ve been, and locks a quizzical, almost desperate gaze with you “—so warm and fuzzy inside?”

“You mean your heart?” you point at his chest. “It’s on the opposite side, Jin.”

“And why,” he gasps for breath like a mad man, an emotionally mad and a mentally mad man, “why do I always let you tease me? Why do I let you win? I’m Jin, Kim Seokjin, for God’s sake! I never lose! And the most confusing part of it is: why do I always supposedly smile whenever I argue with you?!”

“Oh, can confirm, you definitely do that.”

He points an accusatory finger at you, “you do, too!” 

“What?” you gawk. “Do not!”

“Taehyung said so!” 

“I do?”

The both of you challenge the other in a stare off, eventually and silently admitting a mutual defeat to the subtle nagging side of you that had always taken note of that true albeit irking fact. 

“It just doesn’t make sense…” he begins pacing back and forth with a finger to his pursed lips. “I never had problems with my beauty sleep until I met you… I never lowered my food standards to such devastating levels until you started feeding me… I never enjoyed having someone trying to get under my skin until you came into my life… it all doesn’t make sense. The only possibility I can narrow it down to is—”

“—wait, Jin, are you—”

“—is it all cause I like you?!”

The both of your jaws drop open, possibly to the floor, staring at the other as if whatever had slipped from his mouth was the most preposterous thing he had ever suggested! In retrospect and to the general public, you know you should have seen this coming from a mile away. It’s impossible not to acknowledge the several times the lines between a vigorous argument and a flirty quarrel became blurred; but to you, the offensive enemy participating in a never-ending duel with the infamous Kim Seokjin, there’s nothing you could’ve done to anticipate this confession pulled out of thin air. 

Did you like it? 

The possibility of being something more than a fervent pair of enemies and a questionable pair of friends? 

Your mind says it’s unsure, but your smile says much more. 

You have to get out of this house, anywhere but here before the opposing enemy catches onto his advancement.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’re you smiling at? You’re the reason I’ve been losing sleep!” he warns sternly, pointing a finger at you whilst you gather your things. “Hey, you must be the reason I’m sick right now! Take accountability!”

“You mean I’m the reason why you’re lovesick now?” you stick a tongue out as you head out the kitchen and you can’t help but laugh at the way he follows like a lost puppy. “What? You want me to make more of my terrible food in return?”

“What? No, shut up! Hey, hey, hey!” he stutters over his own scramble of words, watching you pacing around his front entrance and calling out to you from the hallway. “Where are you going? I think I just confessed to you? No, I’m pretty sure I just did!”

You shrug, “and?” 

“And what’s your answer?” he throws his hand in the air, as if his mental stability depended on your very response. “Is it a yes or no? Do you like me, too?”

“Umm… I don’t know,” you hum, “I’ll let you know over dinner? At 6?” 

His eyes glimmer with hope, “d-dinner?”

“Yeah,” you reply with a cheeky grin before quipping, “hey, why’s your cheek so red?”

A loud huff of his follows your series of cackles and you can hear his last remark that has you undeniably smiling from ear to ear even through the closed door behind you. 

“Damn it, you know it’s cause I like you!”

[maddiewritesstucky]

Silver Steve & Bucky’s First Date 💕

To @possibleplatypus because you asked so nicely, and for everyone who screamed in the tags about wanting more of this (and particularly for the anon who set me off about this in the first place) have some HCs about Silver Steve and Bucky’s first date 💜

Steve wants to date Bucky. Straight off the bat, after that first day at the cafe, Steve knows there’s a spark there that’s worth exploring. And when Bucky messages him after, it becomes pretty apparent that it’s mutual

When they start talking about plans to meet up again, Steve’s immediate reaction is wanting to invite Bucky over to his place. He wants to cook dinner for Bucky, to provide an act of care for him, to show him on some subconscious level that he’s a good provider. He wants to do that, but he also knows that’s a little intense at this stage

What Steve ends up doing is asking Bucky out to lunch. There’s a park that’s not too far away from where they first met, local for them both, and it has a cute cafe that overlooks a pond and there’s trees all around. That’s where he and Bucky have their first date.

It’s every bit as effortless as their first meeting, except now there’s this burgeoning warmth between them because they both have that shared understanding that they’re here because they felt a something, and it’s new and hopeful and filled with possibility.

Bucky had been thinking pretty much nonstop about Steve since their first meeting, to the point where he’d started second guessing if he was being a bit rose-tinted about how good that first interaction had been. But spending time with Steve now, he realises that the reality of Steve is actually even better

Steve is funny, in a way that doesn’t rely on poking fun at anyone’s expense. He’s clever and quick and uses words that give Bucky the impression that he’s probably very dangerous to play scrabble with.

He asks the kind of questions that spark meaningful conversation, which is deeply helpful because Bucky’s nowhere near as collected and self-assured as Steve is. He hopes he doesn’t seem quite as crush-stricken as he is, but he’s never been very good at masking his emotions

And god, Steve is sunk on the blush that never fully recedes from Bucky’s cheeks the whole time they’re together, does everything he can to make Bucky smile just to see it flare up again

It’s clear that Bucky’s a little enamoured, and Steve tries very hard to keep everything dialled in to first date level because it’s the emotionally mature thing to do, but his own heart is running away on itself a little too if he’s honest

There’s an inherent goodness about Bucky that’s very hard to look past. He seems to have absolutely no poker face and its pretty clear that what Steve’s seeing and hearing is all Bucky, through and through.

And Bucky is an interesting guy - smart and passionate and a little unintentionally awkward in the most endearing way possible. He so obviously has a lot of love to give, and Steve badly wants to be one of the people who’s lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that

It feels very much like a beginning, that first date. They have lunch, and then they walk through the park and sit by the pond, and do another lap of the park because neither of them is really ready to stop being in the others presence yet

Which...can we talk about physical presence here? Because for all there is this mental/emotional gravity between them, the actual physical pull of each other is undeniable

Multiple times, Steve has to stop himself reaching out to touch Bucky while they sit, while they walk. It’s like a humming in the palm of his hand and the tips of his fingers that longs to connect with Bucky’s skin, just once, just to know if it’s as soft and warm as it looks

Bucky’s left his hair down today and when the breeze catches it, Steve can smell just the faintest hints of sweet coconut and he has to try really hard to be subtle about breathing it in

There’s a physical grace about Bucky too, in the way he carries himself that makes it impossible not to notice his body. He’s a little smaller than Steve, a little shorter and more lithe. Steve can’t stop thinking about how it’d feel to test out just how perfect Bucky would fit in his arms

It’s no easier for Bucky. There’s a lot of Steve to look at, he’s built strong and tall and powerful, which just makes his air of gentleness all the more beautiful

Bucky finds his eyes drawn over and over to Steve’s hands, because Steve can’t seem to talk without them getting involved, and they’re so big. It’s hard not to imagine the way they’d feel on his body, cupping his face or stroking down his back or running through his hair

It’s a little bit devastating, how handsome Steve is. There are smile lines around his eyes and Bucky can see exactly how they got there because Steve smiles a lot, and he smiles big and open and genuine.

His silver-specked beard only accentuates the cut of his jaw, and there’s a freckle just above the line of his beard growth on one side that Bucky wants to kiss, and his eyes are the warmest shade of blue Bucky’s ever seen

Steve doesn’t touch him on that first date, save for a hand on the small of his back and a chaste peck on the cheek when they part ways. But you can bet it’s all either of them can think about for the rest of the day afterwards.

Maybe the rest of the week. And into the next one. Until they see each other again...

...And now I have to throw myself back into the gdocs to write more about their physical intimacy because I am a woman possessed. Thanks. I blame all of you.

[makeyourdeanabi]

Finale Reaction- 2 months later

In the wee hours after the Supernatural Finale, after tossing and turning in my bed, I got up and wrote this... this was before I was actually active on Tumblr and I never thought I would share this because I was too self conscious.  I deleted it shortly after I wrote it because it brought me so much pain to relive it.  I have since watched the Finale again and have come to terms with it and I felt it was a good time to share my thoughts. I hope that my words may bring other people comfort who feel the same way.  Thanks for reading :)

Alisha

P.S. Sorry so long, I was feeling things and the words just kept coming and coming  ___________________________________________

I don’t blog.  Never in my life have I sat down to tell the world about my feelings in such a manner.  I may contribute on message boards and social media comments, but I never thought anything was worth my time to spill my guts into the ether when I am near certain that not a soul will read them.  But here I am.  I have to write because if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head, I am going to go full on insane.

That ending was bad. It was a disservice to the 15 years of an incredible show that was not only genre bending it was cultural norms bending.

I could mention the various tropes that this ending (and the previous episodes) invoked, but I am not well versed in them and would never want to do anyone a disservice with a comparison that wasn’t apt.

The buildup up of each character arc and then the glaring lack of conclusion for said character arc was laughable.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

I am destroyed.  

I am destroyed that the two men who have been with this franchise since day 1 wrote and directed an episode that they thought was the perfect ending. They thought this is what their devoted fandom wanted.  

I am destroyed that the lead actors signed off on this script and went so far as to call it their favorite.  I realize Jared was the only one calling it his favorite episode. Jensen admitted he had reservations about the episode and needed the wise words of creator Erik Kripke to accept it. I do have to say that taking the word of a man who left the show 10 seasons ago and hasn’t been involved in all the plot lines and inner workings since season 5 is probably not the best idea. I could be mistaken about the extent of Kripke’s involvement, but I am fairly certain that I am right in my assumptions.  

Dean spent 15 years (probably more) of his life feeling unloved, unworthy, self-conscious and convinced that his life had but one purpose and that purpose would ultimately be the death of him, and he had made peace with that.

He is given a best friend, potential love interest, who helps him to see that he is more than that, so much more than that.  He is selfless, he is caring, he is a lover, not a killer. His friend’s soulmate’s sacrifice is the catalyst for him believing that all these things are true. He even takes the step of admitting out loud that he knows he has changed.  He knows that his life is worth living to the fullest and appreciating what he has every day and honoring those they have “lost along the way.”  

To then kill him during a routine hunting trip in which the boys are up against a vampire nest they could take down in their sleep.  What could possibly have been the purpose for that?  To show that once they were no longer God’s little play toys their lives were expendable?  WHY?

Dean, arguably the greatest hunter in the SPN universe, was taken out by a fucking rusty piece of rebar, and instead of trying to call for help and get the man to a hospital (not sure it would have helped) he has his final monologue, the one he has been due for the latter half all of Season 15.  He died scared, in pain, and sad.

Dean goes to heaven, and its not the heaven we have been told of in the past where you are living in your memories.  Its truly life after death and its wonderful. He meets Bobby again and told that various people in Dean’s and Bobby’s life are close by.  His parents live down the road.  His father, who was never confirmed to be but was most likely an abusive bastard, lives just down the road with his mother.  Wonderful. (WTF?) He gets confirmation that Cas is out of the empty and he smiles, nothing more.  He sees baby and goes for a drive, not to find Cas and thank him for his ultimate sacrifice, but to just drive.  I like this part because we see a happy, content Dean, and we finally get to hear Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son” (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF THE ROAD SO FAR AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE). I just wish Dean’s path to heaven had been a little easier on him.

Dean deserved better.

Castiel, the selfless angel who just wanted to find purpose in his life and ultimately found it in death. He dies never being told that he is loved, after countless times of professing his love to his found family. The angel who sacrificed himself to the Empty, a horrible place of unspeakable torture, to protect the man he loves.  A man who, mere days later (in my mind anyway), arrives in heaven after being killed in a gruesome accident, rather than fulfilling his destiny that Cas fought so hard to protect.  Some sacrifice. It turns out that Cas is saved by the Empty from Jack, but we don’t get to see his joyful reunion with Dean, the man he loves.  

Cas deserved better.

Sam is left to live this life without his brother, and potentially the love of his life because the writers couldn’t be bothered to confirm Eileen’s re-existence after Chuck’s rapture.  He has a family, and he grows old (mind you with REALLY bad makeup in a show that is known for their incredible makeup/special effects departments).

He seems to be happy, but you can tell something is missing.  We come to see that he raised his son to be a hunter.  He raised his son in a life that, at the outset of this show, he was desperate to get out of and live a normal life.  Perhaps he no longer believes that anyone can live a normal life knowing what is out there. *EDIT* Looking back I don’t believe he raised his son to be a hunter, just gave him the tattoo in case.

He names his son Dean, because of course he does. He has a wife who we see from a distance and is never given the clarity if it is Eileen or not.  He finally dies after what looks like a slow and painful illness and is sent to heaven.

In heaven he meets up with Dean.  This was lovely.  The two of them meeting again after so long, for Sam, that is. Dean only had to seemingly wait for a few hours.

Sam deserved better.

For a show that had the potential to go out on a historically significant high, this is disappointing, to say the least.  The story had the potential to end with 2 brothers who have sacrificed so much and saved so many people, find a happy ending.  Not only that but find a happy ending with a deaf partner and a gay angel. If that isn’t breaking barriers and bending norms, I don’t know what is.  I really would like to know what prevented this from happening.  Be it the CW from restricting them or maybe the absolute lack of originality from the writers, I am curious as to their reasoning. Maybe it was COVID.  Maybe because they couldn’t have those two actors physically on set due to protocols, they didn’t want to shortchange them by having them appear otherwise: disembodied voice, phone call (DONT TOUCH ME) or even a flashback… hell STOCK FOOTAGE! I don’t know and I clearly can’t imagine the reason.

I realize that there is nothing that can be done about this episode now and that accepting it and moving on is really the only way forward.  But the legacy this show has left, and its lasting impact on me and my life, cannot be ignored.  I was looking forward to indulging in past episodes of this show for the rest of my life. It is going to be a long time before I can watch an episode without anger and resentment towards what I know to be their eventual end.  That, to me, is unforgiveable.  

I don’t expect anyone to actually read this because I do not have any followers. I have never blogged in my entire life and was only recently introduced to the online fandom, but I needed to write this.  I needed to share the impact that this episode had on me.  I do hope that it does reach those in the fandom that may have similar feelings and are able to use my words to help express how they are feeling.  We can move on, and we will move on, but we need to do it together.

I know that there are people who, if they read this, would shake their head in disbelief that I became so emotionally invested in this show that watching a bad ending would take such a toll on my mental health.  

To them I say, imagine this… The Pittsburgh Steelers (my favorite team, they can imagine their own) have an incredible season.  A season where they saw a myriad of highs and lows. Veteran players making incredible comebacks, rookie players coming in to their own.  Season ending injuries that lead to the next man stepping up and contributing in ways they weren’t sure possible.  Now imagine they make it to the Superbowl and after 3 tough quarters, in which they played their best, getting better with each quarter, they lose it in the final minutes.  All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing.  Now imagine that was their last season and the Pittsburgh Steelers are no longer an NFL team.  They are done.  No “we’ll get ‘em next season.”  No “it’s just a game and there is always another one”.  Just done.  Their entire franchise, for a brief moment in time, reduced to those final minutes where they failed to win.  Devastating. Of course, in the long run that is not what they will be remembered for.  I mean, after all, they have won 6 Lombardi trophies, and no one is taking that away from them.  But the sting will remain for a while. *EDIT* This was as close to prophecy as I will ever get, the Steelers did all of the above until the playoffs, but THANK GOD, there will be another season.

If I can’t make you understand with a sports metaphor than I will never make you understand.  

I love this show and this loss is devastating.  I do hope that it is remembered for more than their last-minute loss.  I hope it is remembered for the joy and acceptance that their fandom felt with each episode, for the laugher on set and the gag reels. I hope it is remembered for the individual players who gave it their all. I know it will be, but for me personally, this sting is going to last for a while.  

[winterisakillerwrites]

Becoming - Part One

Title: Becoming

One Shot: 1/6

Character: Tom Hiddleston

Genre: Realistic(?) fluff; Angst

Rating: T

Summary: Learning about his son was only just the start of the story. As Tom Hiddleston struggles to adapt to this sudden change in his life, he comes to learn that becoming a father might be the biggest role he’d ever taken on. *Sequel/Continuation of Lovers’ Eyes*

Authors Notes/Warnings: This story came about because I knew there was still so much about Tom and his son that I wanted to explore. I fully intended this to be a quick flash forward into their lives, a snapshot if you will....They had other ideas and so here we are. This is technically all one story but has been broken down into parts to make the reading easier. 

Thanks so much first and foremost to @ciaodarknessmyheart who has dealt with me throwing all of these ideas at her and has helped shape them into something coherent and wonderful. 

Thanks as well to @tinchentitri who also helped provide wonderful insight.

Hope you all enjoy!

Tag List: @tinchentitri @messy-insomniac-bookgirl @noplacelikehome77 @blacksuitofdoom @nonsensicalobsessions @theheartofpenelope @ms-cellanies @nuggsmum @inkededucatednnerdy @redfoxwritesstuff  @just-the-hiddles​ @wolfsmom1​ @theoneanna​ @hiddlescastle​ @sabine-leo​ @alexakeyloveloki​  @echantedbytwh @finchbaggins

Tom Hiddleston couldn’t seem to keep himself from pacing around the living room, couldn’t seem to get a lid on the anxiety that has been coursing through him for the better part of the last few days. In theory he’d known this was something that would happen and that it was, in fact, a good thing. But knowing that intellectually and understanding it emotionally were two vastly different things.

 The year and a half that had passed since he’d learned of Jaime brought such upheaval to the usual controlled chaos of his life. In the past eighteen months he’d lost the woman he knew he would always love permanently and in the same breath gained a child, their child. Jaime was a sturdy and curious lad, almost six now and so much like his mother.

 It was still difficult at times for Tom to watch him and see the spark he’d always loved shining through the boy. He’d made such a mess of things before, had missed out on so much. And that fear had plagued him each step of the way he’d taken to building a relationship with his son. For months he’d simply been “mummy’s friend Tom” or “Uncle Tom”. He spent as much time as he could with the boy, getting to know him and in turn letting the boy become comfortable. All under the watchful and hesitant eyes of Keira Michaelson.

 Jaime had taken to him quickly, curious about this new person that had stumbled into his life. But cautious, he watched Tom with wide eyes offering him the use of his toys and losing himself in the program on television. That first afternoon had been awkward and tense and wonderful. Jaime seemed both amused and wary of him and watched him as though he was someone he had seen before but couldn’t seem to place. Tom had done his best to keep his emotions in check, not wanting to scare the boy. He’d left that afternoon and called Luke from the relative safety of his hotel room.

 To say his publicist was shocked at this unexpected and potentially dangerous development in his client’s life would have been a major understatement. Luke had spent the better part of twenty minutes screaming and cursing at Tom while simultaneously demanding answers. It had been a tense, terse conversation and had it been anyone but Luke, he would have ended it abruptly and without question. But even in his confused, angry grief, Tom knew Luke was doing this for his benefit. The question of the validity of Eliza’s claim of paternity was shot down even before it had finished leaving Luke’s lips.

 “He is mine, Luke. There is absolutely no question about that.”

 “I’m glad you feel that way, Tom, but legally you need to know you have a leg to stand on should you want to take this farther.”

 He knew Luke was right and that it was the sensible thing to do, especially if he wanted to keep himself in Jaime’s life. If he had the paperwork to prove he was Jaime’s father, if there was irrefutable evidence, no one could dare question his involvement. Keira couldn’t keep the boy from him. Not that he thought she ever would…She may not like him, may never like him, but she wasn’t heartless. Careful and cautious, without question, but never heartless. But the idea of questioning whether or not the boy who’d already burrowed his way into Tom’s heart was his left a sour taste in his mouth.

 His conversation with his mother had been just as painful. Diana was a proud woman and loved her children fiercely. She’d taken the end of his relationship with Eliza hard, if only for the fact that she knew deep down it wasn’t what Tom had truly wanted. And she’d known, just as certainly, that her boy was stubborn as the day was long and nothing save his own doing would ever change his mind. Learning of not only Eliza’s passing but of the fact she had another grandchild she hadn’t known about had floored his usually unshakable mother. She had been torn between her own angry confusion and the pain of experiencing her only son’s devastating grief and being unable to do a thing to ease it.

 Once it became clear that Tom intended to be involved, as much as he was able, in the boy’s life, Diana had allowed herself to bombard him with question after question. How had this happened? Why hadn’t he known? Had he known but never said? What was the boy like? Did he know who Tom was to him?

 Tom had answered as honestly as he could with his head still swimming. There was still so much he didn’t know. So much he had to learn and it terrified him. At some point he had broken down and admitted just how scared he was. How terrified he was that he couldn’t be the kind of parent Jaime needed. How he barely had his own life together so how could he possibly expect to care for someone else who would need so much of him?

 “What if I’m not good enough, mum?”

 Diana had sighed. “Tom, my boy, that is what it means to be a parent. You are never going to feel ready, never going to be sure. But you will do it anyway because you have to. Because you can’t let yourself do anything but be the best parent you can be.”

 Things were rocky at first.

 At times Tom felt as though he were walking on eggshells around Jaime and around Keira. It was clear Jaime was close with his grandmother, especially now that his mother was gone, and while he had taken to Tom, it was obvious whose company he preferred. It had hurt at first, the knowledge that he was, for now, a side character in his son’s life. But he understood the rationale for it. Understood Keira’s hesitancy, even if it grated.

 But as they grew to know one another, Tom could see the trust blooming in Jaime’s eyes. He seemed to look forward to the afternoons Tom spent with him and later to the phone calls that became part of his nightly routine. The way Jaime’s face would light up when he walked through the door tugged at something deep inside of him. Something he doubted he would ever be able to put accurately into words.

 The real test came when life and obligation came calling. He had used all the bereavement leave he had and the studio began to breathe down his neck about returning. The film was half finished and though that shot around him as much as they were able, his presence on set was not only necessary but demanded. Tom had done his best to explain to Jaime but it hadn’t stopped the tears or the confusion. And then he’d been on a plane flying away from the one place he wanted to be.

 Jaime hadn’t understood why Tom missed their afternoon play date and why he hadn’t called before bed to wish Jaime goodnight. He’d been sullen and tearful when Tom had finally managed to settle nearly half a world away and call the following morning, asking if Uncle Tom was leaving him like mummy had. It had taken everything in Tom not to fall apart, not to pack up and fly back to the UK consequences and career be damned. Instead, he’d swallowed against the lump in his throat and explained as best he could that he was coming back, this was a temporary thing and that sometimes adults had to do things they didn’t want to do.  

 The following few days were a test. Jaime had initially refused the video calls Tom made and when he’d accepted them, spent most of his time with his head buried in his grandmother’s shirt. Tom could feel the tension radiating from Keira through the screen. And again and again he found himself questioning the right he had in Jaime’s life. How was it fair to try to form a bond with the boy when he couldn’t guarantee he’d be there?

 Guilt ate steadily at him and Tom found himself incredibly short with just about everyone on set. He snapped and snarked at any and every one, missing marks and flubbing lines he had known by rote just weeks before. It had taken the director pulling him to the side and telling him in no uncertain terms that his behavior was unprofessional and unacceptable and that if he could not get himself together this would be where they parted ways for Tom to see the damage he was inflicting. He’d asked for the rest of the day off to clear his head and had spent it in his hotel room trying desperately to gain control of himself.

 This wasn’t like him, wasn’t how he’d ever wanted to be. But fuck if he knew what to do to get himself back in check. Unable to stand the suffocating closeness of the hotel room, Tom found himself wandering the beach a few blocks down in a desperate attempt to clear his mind. It was unseasonably cool and the beach mostly empty. He’d taken to running along the beach in the mornings…Or had before his life had turned on its head.

 Running had always brought a sense of calm to him. Everything seemed easier somehow when his feet pounded against the earth. But with the way his mind had been, running was the last thing he could force himself to do. And without that outlet...

 God, maybe he was losing his mind. Thinking he could do this; could be what the world demanded of him and be what Jaime needed him to be. He’d spent so many years running full force at a goal that he never seemed to reach; always looking for the next challenge, the next role. And often to the determent of those around him and in some ways to himself. There were so many friends he’d lost touch with, so many simple things he’d missed (birthdays, weddings, holidays), so many things he’d let fall by the wayside in his quest to be better. To do more.

 He’d spent the better part of his adult life running that he was terrified he’d forgotten was it was like to stand still. He’d been a terrible friend, terrible brother, terrible son. How could he be anything but a terrible father? And didn’t Jaime deserve more? Deserve better?

 God, he didn’t know.

 Tom wasn’t certain how long he’d sat on that beach, staring at the ocean but seeing nothing. A light rain had started to fall, the shiver it sent through him shocking Tom back into himself. He pushed himself to his feet and began the slow trek back towards the hotel. The sun, which had been weak to begin with, had hidden itself behind the mass of roiling grey clouds. It would storm soon.

 He made it back to the hotel just as the storm broke and watched the sheets of rain soaking the car park as he made his way through the lobby and back to his room. The air con made him shiver and he knew that getting out of his damp clothes into something dry was a necessity if he didn’t want to add sick on top of his growing list of uncouth behavior.

 The first thing his eyes fell upon as he shoved the door to his room closed behind him was his mobile laying on the bed. He’d left it in his haste to simply get out and as the screen lit up to signal the arrival of a new message, Tom caught sight of a missed FaceTime call. A quick glance at his watch and a longer moment working the time difference out in his head, told him it was most likely Keira calling with Jaime. His nightly bedtime call and he’d missed it.

 He sank onto the bed, letting the guilt and self-loathing course through him. Another disappointment, another let down. He rubbed his eyes viciously with his hands, trying desperately to ignore the ache in his chest at the thought of letting Jaime down once more. Of failing at the last thing Eliza had asked of him. Jaime deserved so much better.

 He nearly jumped out of his skin as the mobile by his side erupted in noise. Confused, it took Tom several moments to recognize the sound for what it was; an incoming FaceTime call. He sat bolt upright, grabbing the phone and answering the call without any conscious thought.

 A bleary-eyed Jaime filled his screen and Tom fought to control his breathing. “Hello, Jaime lad.”

 “Uncle Tom, you didn’t answer before. I thought you forgot.”

 Tom swallowed against the lump in his throat, his voice catching as he choked out. “I’m sorry, I was outside and like a silly bugger forgot to take the phone with me. I would never forget our nighttime call.”

 Jaime’s face brightened and for the first time in days he happily, but sleepily, recounted the fun he’d had that day. Tom listened in in rapture, greedily drinking in every detail the boy gave him. He asked for details about the new friend Jaime had made at the park and laughed when the boy recounted the funny joke he’d learned from his favorite show. A cautious, quiet hope took root in his chest as he watched his son fight his obvious exhaustion. Jaime was talking to him, seemed happy once more to be doing so.

 “Alright darling boy,” Tom heard Keira’s steady voice call. “It’s getting late and you need to be in your bed.”

 Jaime pouted, clearly unwilling to heed his grandmother’s instruction.

 “None of that now, Jaime lad,” Tom whispered. “You need sleep so you can have more fun tomorrow. And I will call you and you can tell me all about it, okay?”

 The boy nodded and reluctantly handed the phone to his grandmother. Tom forced a smile as her face came into view. “Thank you for calling back.”

 Keira nodded. “He missed you and I couldn’t have that. Good night, Tom.” And the screen went black.

 NEXT

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2021 - February*

I had a much better reading month in February - well I feel better about it, there's not actually much materially different. I've also come to the conclusion I only adore books that make me sad - I do love a good cathartic cry...

Promise of Blood - Brian McClellan (Powder Mage Trilogy #1)

Unfortunately, this book didn't work for me - I found writing style a bit clunky and very utlitarian, the magic felt off with it's strange mix of styles (I'm still not over the magic food), and the characters felt a bit flat. As I much prefer character driven novels and it can massively turn me off a book if the characters aren't quite up to scratch which was sadly the case here. I just didn't care about Taniel, Tamas, Adamat, and so forth - it seriously impacted the stakes of the novel, especially when the action was repetitive and there were no quiet spots to off set the number of fight scenes/intense moments.

However, it's a decent opening novel for someone else, but it was a bit too plot heavy and reliant on the hard magic system. The magic felt gimmicky and clearly followed Sanderson's rules of magic without rationalising some of the limitations (I'm still not sure if the Priviledged gloves gave them magic or acted as a bridge? And why does gold stop the powder mages?) You can tell McClellan is one of Sanderson's students through his writig style and the way he constructs his world, characters, and magic system. Unfortunately, it didn't quite hit the right spot for me. It's a perfect reminder that just because a style works for me with one author, doesn't mean it'll work in another. I finished this book out of a baffled, addicted curiosity but I won't be finishing the whole trilogy. (Just to state again - it's a decent book, just not my cup of tea!)

How to Marry a Werewolf - Gail Carriger**

I loved this novella, in fact it's possibly my favourite Carriger story yet (and I'm now up to date with the entire Parasolverse!) It was a fun, touching romance that made me feel all gushy! Faith and Channing were brilliant romantic leads, exactly the sort of characters I fall in love with. The drama, the supporting cast, and character growth were exactly what I wanted and needed.

Carriger is my ultimate comfort read and this made me nervous approaching a book about Major Channing - he's not the most approachable of romantic heroes, you know? But I fell in love with him and Faith (I might actually like Channing more than any of the other male leads? Shocking!) Their growth together made my heart melt and I was so invested by their get-together I actually gasped out loud - I was far too emotionally attached for a 180 page book... I cannot recommend it enough, I was half convinced I didn't love the novellas (sorry Miss Gail, I like big books!) but this completely changed my mind on both novellas and Channing. Overall, I'm a very happy bunny and now I can restart the series all over again.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I'm a woman of a certain age, I grew up with these books and, as such, they'll always have a place in my heart (and childhood.) However, I'm only including it on this list because I read it with a friend and to keep track of all the books I read.

Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery

This was so cute! I had so much fun reading this book, Anne is a precious sweetheart who deserved Matthew and Marilla. The flowers, whimsy, small domestic comedy, childish drama, and quite comfort were absolutely lovely. I fell in love with Anne's small world and then L.M. Montgomery broke my heart. I've never cried at a children's book so much and it was devastating (I knew it was coming but not in this book...) Absolutely fabulous!

Royal Assassin - Robin Hobb (Farseer Trilogy #2; Realm of the Elderlings #2)

I've talked about this book and series enough - safe to say I still love it, Fitz is our favourite idiot, I still fancy Verity, and the Fool is the best. See the rest of my blog for more thoughts!

Currently Reading

The Burning God - R.F. Kuang

The Hatmakers - Tamzin Merchant

Shadow and Bone - Laini Taylor (I know... I fell for the hype around the TV show... Teenaged me would have loved it though)

*Once again I have not proof read, not even sorry at this point (I proof read too much for uni

**In which I use too much punctuation, I just loved this novella okay?!

[houseofslash]

Angela Eugenia Christiansen (Templeton)

a complete-ish backstory for angela, my slasher oc. the timeline i have for her is tentative and i might play around with it a bit more, all i’m definitive about for her is that she’s somewhere in the mid-century period

---

Angela Eugenia Christiansen Templeton

Born: December 2nd, 1940 to Mary and Peter Christiansen

Age: 28

Height: 5’5

Hair/Eyes: Blonde /Greenish-hazel

Hometown: Jacksonville, Florida

An only child born later in life to her parents (who considered her conception and birth miraculous), she was doted upon by her mother and various other relations that came to call, being the only child in the family at the time (with all her cousins having reached an age bracket far enough away from her as to make meaningful connection difficult). Her father, already not particularly fond of his wife’s family or of being sociable, spent long hours locked away in his office, where Angela was forbidden to go. “Sorry, Angie, Daddy’s busy,” was a common refrain of her childhood. Peter really did love his daughter dearly, he just didn’t know how to express it, and had long since given up the hope of children long before she was born. He worked hard as a way to show his affection, made money to keep her in nice clothes and buy her nice things. Angela often wondered what was wrong with her, when everyone else seemed to like her so much, but her own father wouldn’t give her the time of day. Upon later reflection, she agrees she has daddy issues because of this. 

Upon reaching school age, she found it easy to put on a gregarious face and attract others to her; as her mother told her, everybody wanted to be friends with a pretty child who smiled and laughed all the time, even when she didn’t feel like smiling or laughing. The attention felt too good to not keep doing it, however. Eventually, she collected a gaggle of girlfriends, all similarly well-heeled and pretty, who giggled over the same boys and attended the same parties. For most of her adolescent years and into high school, she was content, growing into an amiable and eager to please young adult. 

By the time her senior year of high school rolled around, some of that contentment had faded. She was realizing, slowly, that she might want more from life than a secretary job, a husband, and a house to keep, like her mother and most of her friends talked about. That slowly burgeoning doubt wasn’t enough to impel her to apply to college, or to keep her from accepting (with everyone in her life’s strongly-voiced support) when she was proposed to by a local banker’s son with wicked eyes and a razor-sharp grin, Richard Templeton. 

Her father died when she was twenty-one, a year after she married Richard, from a sudden, devastating heart attack. Neither she nor her mother ever really recovered from the loss, since despite the slight dysfunction they all really did love each other, and Mary died less than two years later.

She spent the next ten years as Richard’s housewife, which she quickly realized meant his live-in maid and cook. At first they were friendly and even loving with each other, but as the honeymoon phase ended and they realized they really had no idea who the other person they had committed their life to was, they drifted apart. Eventually Richard was taken in entirely by his workplace environment of toxic masculinity and flagrant abuses of power, which carried over into his home life and how he treated Angela. She was never abused physically, but he did eventually become emotionally and verbally abusive. 

This was not what Angela had been promised her life would be like. As she tells Richard, “I did everything right.” But it still wasn’t enough to make her happy. 

The last straw came the day Richard came home, already drunk, and cornered her in the backyard as she was hanging out the laundry, and yelled at her for not having it done already, since he wanted to wear a particular shirt out with “the boys” that night, and it was currently in the wash. Angela, already annoyed since he’d specified what he wanted done that morning, snapped at him that he could wear a different shirt. He backhanded her across the face, his wedding ring breaking open the skin over her cheekbone, and sent her staggering. He snarled at her to never talk back to him like that again, and to dry the damn shirt already. 

Her head ringing with the aftershocks, Angela nearly collapsed. It was in that moment that she spotted by the toolshed an axe, left out. She didn’t think as she stood up, moved to the toolshed, picked up the axe, and turned to go inside. She found Richard in the living room, taking his jacket off while muttering to himself. He didn’t have a chance to turn around and ask her what she was doing before she raised the axe and brought it down with a meaty wet crunch into the upper part of his back. 

After she finished killing him, still high on power and adrenaline, Angela went about staging the scene. She wouldn’t do well in prison, she knew, and now she had plans forming in the back of her head, floodgates that she hadn’t known existed were opened; a new path presented itself. She’d do anything to feel that powerful again, to take that power from those that abused others. She couldn’t put this new notion into action if she were arrested for murder in the first degree. It took nearly an hour, but through working feverishly and rehearsing the lines she assigned herself as well as she could, she set the scene quite effectively for a home invasion gone bad. Fingerprints wiped from the axe, valuables removed from torn-out drawers and flushed. The final touch was to remove all suspicion from herself. Placing the axe on the floor with the glittering edge pointed up, she deliberately forced herself to slip and fall backwards on it. The large lot their house sat on kept any neighbors from hearing her scream. One genuinely agonized call to the police later, and Angela closed her eyes to wait. Either this worked, or maybe she could make a plea deal, get out early on good behavior. 

It worked. No one could believe that Angela, sweet Angela, could possibly have murdered Richard. The scene really did appear to be that of a burglary gone south, especially the brutal axe wound poor Mrs. Templeton sustained trying to run away. 

The police chief, a personal friend of the Templetons’, was especially helpful in removing all suspicion from Angela, since he could personally attest to the “happy marriage” the two shared. 

Angela was happy to give a witness statement, to sniffle and cry through saying she didn’t really have much to do with her husband’s business, that she hadn’t seen the men’s faces because they were masked, that they made off with some of the valuables in the house before getting into a vehicle she hadn’t seen and taking off. Once she built her story, she was careful to stick to it. Within a week, she was formally cleared of all suspicion, and the gossip columns were all sympathy for poor Widow Templeton. She was allowed to leave the hospital soon after that, and laid low until Richard’s funeral was taken care of and the commotion died down around her.

After that, she sold much of their belongings including Richard’s car and their house, packed up what she wanted to keep, and decided on a whim to roadtrip out to California to start a new life. She returned to using her maiden name. The first day she was out on the road, she stopped at a motel to buy a map and ask about renting a room for the night. The manager was very unhelpful, openly ogling her and making inappropriate comments. That high feeling returned, flooding Angela’s veins with a glimmering wicked desire. The next day, a maid found the manager dead on the floor behind his desk, his eyes gouged out with his own desk scissors, gutted like a pig. 

She’s aware she can’t just kill everybody who’s ever rude to her. That’ll get her caught, and she’s already come so far! She determines, however, that as she makes her way across the country, not to stay in one place for too long. So that if something were to happen, it wouldn’t be traceable to her. 

-

Internally, Angela still longs for acceptance, since the recent events have led her to second guess every amount of love she’s ever gotten. Did her mother and relatives really love her, or did they love the idea of her? The concept of her they’d created in their heads, that Angela herself let them create?

She loves as deeply as she hates, longs to love and be loved. She tried tirelessly for ten years to love Richard and to make him love her. Despite her proclivity towards violence, Angela really does have an enormous amount of love to give. She wants to give it, wouldn’t mind taking care of a partner again, but doesn’t know if she can trust like that anymore. 

She doesn’t know who she is, but if she can’t discover who she is, she isn’t afraid to forge herself anew, by any means necessary. 

Random Facts: 

-She likes animals of all kinds, and has a fondness for small children.

-An absolute sweater hoe. If you give her an article of your clothing that’s a bit big on her and soft, you’re not getting it back 

-Has a quick wit and a sterling sense of humor, surprisingly easy-going and quick to laugh among friends or those she trusts

-Has a genuine need for glasses, but it’s not severe enough to need them all the time, and she prefers not to wear them

-Develops faint freckles when out in the sun for longer periods of time

[toast-the-unknowing]

Hi there, toast. Cutting to the chase: you're one of my favorite writers — not just one of my favorite fanfic writers. your short stories for the raven cycle are some of the funniest, tightest, emotionally devastating, well-crafted works of fiction i've encountered in awhile — better than a lot """"real-world, published"""" stuff. I kind of want to know more about how you got to this point. I think you've mentioned a background in screenwriting? But I don't think that's your day job? 1/?

2/? Really, I'm asking because you seem to have found a way to write regularly — to develop your chops and publish your art in a way that seems emotionally satisfying for you. to an outsider like myself, you seem to have struck a balance between living a life that pays the bills, and artmaking in a way that feeds your soul. you might not feel that way, i don't know. i'm someone who studied writing in college and am now wondering if and how i can still water that seed....

3/? when the reality is i also need to make money to live. i guess i'm curious about your life model right now, and if you're happy with the way you're currently fulfilling yourself creatively. do you want to be a """""published writer""""" someday? is your job one that is also creatively fulfilling, or is it more to pay the bills so that you can do your own creative projects in your free time?

4/4 I know my question isn't very clear, and I'm not sure it's even one question. the point is, i admire you, and you seem to be in a habit of writing creatively, even though i think you have an unrelated day job, and that balance seems mysterious and desirable to me.

Thank you for your kind words, Anon! I have attempted to write something helpful, but it got very long, so I am putting it behind a cut:

Keeping your art alive when you have to work an unrelated job is not easy. Struggling with it does not mean that you're failing, or that it can't be done, or that you won't get better at it down the road. It's also not the sort of thing where you hit equilibrium and it's all smooth sailing from there. I have gotten better at fitting my writing into my life, and I've figured out strategies and coping mechanisms and how to be better at just making myself do it even if I feel "blocked," but there are still stretches of time where it's harder to manage. Those periods don't last forever, and if it sometimes gets worse, it also sometimes gets better.

I suspect you know all of this, Anon, because you sound like a reasonable person and because you balanced writing and schoolwork, which can itself be tricky. I say it anyway because this is exactly the kind of subject where mean little thoughts like to sneak into your head and make you doubt yourself, and I think we could all use a reminder.

There are many writers who will say that you have to write every single day. Often they will say that you have to write at the same time every single day, or that you need to wake up early to write before work. These writers depress and demotivate me, because I don't actually have a writing "habit" in that there's no schedule or daily goal or set of standards involved. Some days I write a lot and some days I don't write at all. Shaming myself about that fact has never been helpful.

What has been helpful: an increased understanding of my writing process. Realizing I don't have to outline? Helpful! Realizing that generating ideas and fleshing out scenes and shaping the arc of a story and making it pretty are all different skills and some days one comes easier than the others? Helpful! Realizing that I tend to have an "a-hah" moment that tells me what the story is about, after which it's easier to write the story? Helpful! Realizing that if I can't think of an adjective or a line of dialogue or a joke, I can just put an asterisk and come back to it later, instead of halting the entire writing process until I come up with it? Helpful!

I don't know if any of these particular things would be helpful to you, because your writing process probably works differently than mine. Somebody out there absolutely does need to outline before they can write, or so I assume from the fact that it is mandated in virtually every book on writing I have ever read. You studied writing in school, so it's possible that you already have a great understanding of your process; it's also possible you have internalized a lot of other people's ideas of what you're writing should look like. Most of what I know about how I write was learned in the last few years, not in school.

It is also possible that you have a good understanding of what your process looks like when that gets to be the thing that takes up the majority of your time. In which case, you probably need to consider your life and your schedule as it is now. I know, for example, that I don't get much writing done of weekend days where I stay in bed late, even though I still end up with more free time than I'd have on a weekday, so if I want to write on a weekend I need to get up. Are there any times of day, or the days of the week, or the places where it is easier to write? What factors make it harder to write? Can you minimize those factors? When you can't, because you livelihood depends on them, can you acknowledge them as a fact of life and forgive yourself for being affected by them?

It's unpleasant but undeniable that working impacts writing. We aren't able to spend the time we'd like to on writing. We don't have the energy and focus that we had in school, when our writing was our main responsibility. Now our primary responsibility is making enough money to survive, and if that makes us sad to think about, well, it's only going to make us sadder if on top of that we try to hold ourselves to the amount of writing we'd do if that weren't true.

It isn’t strictly a numbers game where more time = more writing, which I think can be reassuring for those of us who don’t get as much time as we’d like for writing. I was unemployed or working part-time for the entirety of 2016 and I did not do more writing in 2016 than I am now. I had more time, but I was much more of a mess, as a person, and I wasn't as dedicated to writing. In a counter-intuitive way, I think it can help to have creative outlets besides writing. It does take time away from something that you already don’t get as much time as you want to do, but it means that you have a place to be creative even when the words aren't coming, a place with less pressure and lower stakes. I've done improv pretty casually for the last couple of years, and aside from the fact that I think improv in particular can be extremely helpful for writers, it means that when I've been unhappy with my writing, I could show up to improv and do a silly voice or shuffle around in a crabwalk and know that I had created something.

These are some things that have helped me write while also working: Improv. Mindfulness about writing. Mindfulness about life in general. Prioritizing my writing (guys, I watch so much less television than I used to). Therapy and medication, to be honest. Remembering why I am excited about the projects that I’m working on. Giving myself freedom to start new stories while also encouraging myself to finish old ones. Having an audience to share things with, because it is hard to write without knowing that anyone will ever read what you are pouring so much of yourself into.

It has taken me a few days to answer this, Anon, because I wanted to give a considered response, and also just because adult life! so busy! I keep coming back to the questions of whether I am emotionally satisfied with the writing I am doing, and whether I have a good balance between my writing and my work. Because I really think that I am creatively satisfied right now, and if I am mostly aware of that most of the time, I don't know that I'd really phrased it like that to myself before. If I had then I had forgotten it. And it's a powerful and wonderful thing to be able to say that to myself.

I have a degree in screenwriting, but I have never made a career of it and am not pursuing one now. The dream used to be writing for television. Before that the dream was to be a traditionally published author. Now...I don't know what the dream is. I would like to do original work again some day. I have a novel in my head that is very important to me, whose characters helped me get through some hard times, and I want to give that novel the life that it deserves. I would like to do something with my screenwriting degree at some point, although it will likely never make me money. Sometimes it feels like failure that I don't have a new dream, and that I gave up on the old ones. But for the most part, for now, I'm very happy writing fanfiction. I've written a lot of stories, particularly in the last few years, that I am very proud of.

But I don't actually have a good balance between art and work, inasmuch as my art makes me happy and my work...doesn't. I have a low-level office job in a field that I'm not passionate about or well-suited for. I don't get out of my job a lot of the things that I do get out of writing -- challenge, investment, a chance to be creative, self-direction, fulfillment, purpose. I have never worked a job where I got any of those things, and it is starting to wear me down.

To be fair: "my job pays me a decent wage and gives me great health insurance but it isn't satisfying" is a privileged thing to complain about, and I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that some people handle these situations just fine, that some people don’t mind a job that demands a minimum of energy and time since that leaves them more to put into their art. You may be one of these people! I am discovering that I am not. Getting no sense of accomplishment from my job contributes negatively to my overall mental and emotional health, which is sucky all on its own, but has the additional effect of impacting my writing.

It's a tricky problem, though. I don't, at present, want to make a living off of writing (and such a career would be precarious), but my current resume and skill set doesn't qualify me for much of anything besides the work I'm already doing (thanks, screenwriting degree). Any attempt to find a job that's more fulfilling would likely involve a big investment of time, money, and/or effort in some kind of school and training, and then...I'd be in a job that demanded more from me, and even if it made me happier than my current job does, how much would that leave me to put into my writing?

I don't know if any of this has been helpful to you. It is perhaps not a clear answer to a question that felt clear when I read it but that my mind muddled up along the way. You may find that once you hit a balance between writing and working, you don't mind the day job grind in the same way I do. You may decide that you do want to pursue writing as a career. You may still be figuring out the employment situation at all and my woes may be worse than irrelevant.

But the timing of this ask is funny; I am soon going to apply to an educational program that would prepare me for a new career in a totally different field, and the thought of how this will impact my writing has very much been on my mind. In the past when I've thought about doing anything like this, that question has kept me from going forward: won't that be less of your time, less of your energy, less of you for your writing? I think this is a real concern with a basis in truth: if I get into this program I am going to have a lot less time and energy for anything outside of it, and I will need to again adjust my expectations of what my writing can look like in my circumstances. But I think that this question is also fear and perfectionism talking, using my writing as a weapon against me, and I'm tired of it.

Balance is a funny thing. I'm actually terrible at basically anything that requires balance: biking, rollerskating, gymnastics, ice skating, you name it. I don't see how anyone pulls it off. You can lean too far one way only to fall over the other way when you try to even out. You can take a turn and suddenly the road is uphill or downhill or bumpy, and whatever you were doing before to stay upright isn't cutting it. You can be going along just fine and then, for absolutely no reason, you're wobbling all over the place. But you can also do a hell of a lot of wobbling without ever falling down.

I think it's just about...paying attention to what's happening around you. Paying attention to what you're feeling and what you want. Not getting fooled by something you're supposed to want if you don't actually want it. Figuring out the things that you need, and the things that would make your life better, and the things that you'd like, and prioritize those accordingly.

I sure hope that's how it works, at least, because that's all I've got. I might royally fuck up my life in the next couple of months, but if I do, I'll adjust and keep going. It can't be any worse than fucking ice skating.

Best of luck, Anon.

[speakinghistorically]

Barrett’s Privateers and Historical Fiction

Let me begin by saying that the song “Barrett’s Privateers” by the Stan Rogers Band absolutely slaps. It has everything you could want from a proper sea shanty; a fun plot, violence,  and an easy to remember chorus that you can definitely sing while being three sheets to the wind. It is the thrilling tale of a young man’s life at sea during the 18th century that starts with his enlistment and ends with his being “a broken man on a Halifax pier”. It is the unofficial drinking song of Atlantic Canadian universities and holds a place of honour in our hearts. It is also entirely made up.

Many a Maritimer has been devastated to learn that Stan Rogers made up the Antelope and Captain Barrett. I was crushed when I was told it was fiction. I think the reason why so many of us believe Barrett really did die after being “smashed like a bowl of eggs” (who wouldn’t want to shout that line in a bar at 1 am?) is that the song sounds authentic. I don’t mean that the musicians used period-accurate instruments, the original is actually written to be sung acapella. It is the level of detail in the song that sells you its authenticity.

The opening two stanzas of the song establish the listener in time and place. It’s 1778 and the narrator wishes to be back in Sherbrooke, Nova Scotia. Already we have the historical context of the American Revolution at our backs and a general setting. The chorus reinforces this sense of place by having the narrator lament his position on a Halifax pier. The description of the Antelope lets the listener feel like they can see her ragged sails and feel the deck under feet as it lists to the port. There is a level of historical research that went into writing the song, more than one might first assume. In writing the song, Stan Rogers would have had to either know specific details about eighteenth-century naval combat, like what size the cannons would be (“with our cracked four pounders we made to fight”), or he would have had to do some research to make it accurate. And while there are some minor inaccuracies, for the most part, the details are spot on.

Despite its inaccuracies, I would argue Barrett’s Privateers does teach us a bit about our history. Even if the story of Barrett’s Privateers is fictional, it gives us a way to connect emotionally to the past and ground it in our present. Outside of the classroom, historical fiction is one of the key ways the public sees history being used. All good historical fiction requires the creator to both researches the historical fact in order to portray the events as accurately as possible and to write a good song on top of that. And if the song is written well enough, it can have a huge impact on how the public perceives history. Creative people have very real power over public perceptions. Just look at how many people fear sharks after watching Jaws. Historical fiction definitely has an impact on how we see history. Done well, it lets us learn a bit about eighteenth-century sailing while singing in a bar. Done poorly, you have people who honestly think the Middle Ages was nothing but mud and rampant sexual violence. It’s difficult to correct these false perceptions once they are embedded in peoples’ minds. Like it or not, historical fiction is part of our history even if it isn’t always historically accurate.

If you would like to listen to Stan Rogers sing Barrett’s Privateers click here.

The lyrics can be found here.

[h-styles-babes]

TEN

It was no surprise to Sia that she practically bawled her eyes out while confessing everything to Mitch that afternoon. When her first tears had spilt, before she’d even got to her explanation, Mitch had taken her hand and stood her from the rolling chair she was sitting in. She’d willingly followed him to the couch that was set up against the far wall. He’d tugged her down beside him and let her keep a clutch of his hand. He sensed that she needed all the support she could get, and it holding her hand was enough for her, he’d let her squeeze the shit out of it all she wanted. He really wanted to offer her a glass of scotch on the rocks, since that was what this conversation called for, but it was only half noon, and it seemed a bit inappropriate when she was essentially still on the clock.

It took Sia nearly a half hour to spew out the whole devastating tale from start to end in a way that would connect for Mitch. She had to take multiple breaks to clear her eyes and blow her nose, but they’d become useless in the next few seconds, as her body readily produced more snot and tears. It seemed futile, but Mitch kept handing her tissues from the box on the table beside him, tightening his grip on her hand when he felt she needed that extra comfort. Mitch didn’t seem like much of a hugger or cuddler, so Sia was surprised when he slung his arm around her shoulder after freeing it from her grip, and pulled her body into his, guiding her to rest her head against his chest. He was skinny, so his chest was less comforting than she was used to, but she readily absorbed his comfort and warmth and used it to strengthen her resolve in telling him the whole morbid thing.

When she’d gotten out all she needed to, he just let her cry, rubbing soothing circles on her back as her whole body shuddered. Mitch couldn’t recall a time that he’d seen someone so emotionally tormented. He understood now why it was that Sia seemed so hostile toward Harry. And while he’d felt the need to remind her that she couldn’t really hold it against him because he didn’t know, Sia expressed it herself. She knew it was irrational to take the crushing sense of loss and anger at what had happened out on her ex-boyfriend simply for the fact that he hadn’t been there. No part of her clearly-thinking mind wanted to continue that behaviour, but emotions weren’t controlled by that part of her brain. Her emotions were raw and unfiltered and she honestly couldn’t help the visceral reaction her experience caused her to continue to have. She’d spoken at length with her therapist about it, and while she’d learned some coping techniques, the root of the problem still remained: she hadn’t told Harry. Both Sia and her therapist were pretty sure it was still a long way coming before that would happen, but she felt she was one step closer everyday that she was around him. Today had been a setback, but she was hoping it wouldn’t halt her progress completely. She needed closure too much to allow this to stop her from reclaiming her happiness.

Sia did her best to clean herself up before everyone was due back from lunch. She was starving, but she was just going to wait until they broke for the day to eat now, since she’d spent her lunch break letting her sorrows out onto her new friend. She apologised to Mitch about making him miss his lunch, which he’d shrugged off. She went to restroom attached to her room and applied concealer and reapplied her mascara that she’d cried off in order to have some semblance of composure when she had to face everyone again.

There was a knock on her bedroom door just as she was exiting the restroom, so she quickly went to open it.

Mitch was standing on the other side, a cup of tea in one hand—chai, she identified just from the smell—and a plate with two bagels with cream cheese in the other. She nearly started crying from his thoughtfulness. Her emotions were still raw, evidently.

“You’re too sweet,” she cooed, taking the mug from him so he didn't have to balance both things on their way back to the studio.

He flashed her a soft smile, a bit shy around the edges. “What are friends for?”

She gripped at his shoulder with her free hand and pulled him into her to give him a brief but meaningful hug. “I’m really glad we met, Mitch.”

His smile was larger this time, and he led her back into the studio, where everyone acted like a near blow out hadn’t happened just an hour before.

~*~*~*~

It was another two days before Sia and Harry talked to each other outside of the studio, and even there, their words were strictly for work purposes, only. Sia would suggest something about arrangement of instruments or a possible timing change for songs that seemed a bit too upbeat for the lyrical content. Harry would politely ask her to make the changes so he could listen, and then they’d all decide what the best route to take was for the song. It was civil and easy, since this was what both of them were most passionate about, but there was always an underlying sense of unease and tension between them, even when Harry would offer her a polite smile for her hard work.

It was strange, to say the least.

On Thursday, they broke early since they’d gotten a lot done, but they were a bit stagnant on one song that Harry had mostly recorded. He was unsure how he wanted the song to progress and felt that it was missing something, but he had listened to it too many times to actually put his finger on what it was that it was lacking. Sia and the rest of the technicians were at a loss too, so they’d called it quits just after three o’clock, promising to listen back with fresh ears the next day.

Sia, however, thought she was onto something with the song, and was unwilling to just abandon it for the day, afraid that it would evade her the next morning. So, she stuck around in the studio after everyone trickled out. Mitch hung back and asked her if she was alright, but when she told him it was just work related and she was fine, he’d nodded with a smile and left her on her own.

She took the time to play the entirety of what they already had recorded listening to it all the way through twice before she realised it needed something underlaying it in the background. It needed to be quiet but present, just enough to drive the song forward but not overrun the melodic qualities of Harry’s voice.

With sudden urgency, she grabbed the laptop she had been making the arrangement on and went into the booth. She picked up the headphones and adjusted the microphone to better suit her height. She pressed play on the track she already had set up and sat in the booth for a good half an hour, recording her own voice to underly Harry’s on the track, hoping to get it perfect to give the song that little bit more that it needed. Her vocals were barely noticeable under Harry’s in the chorus, but it gave it all a sweet note that she’d realised they’d been missing. She made a note to have Harry stack some vocals with hers, as well, to make it more cohesive. She also recorded ascending notes to fill in the pause before the bridge, hoping to make it flow in a way that everyone had thought it had been lacking.

When Sia felt that she had enough to at least take to Harry the next day for a suggestion, she took the headphones off and pushed the microphone back out of the way. She was just closing her laptop when she realised there was a person on the other side of the glass that separated the recording booth from the control room.

Harry met Sia’s eyes, and when he realised the look he saw there was one of shock and embarrassment, he flashed her what he hoped came across as a reassuring smile. He pushed a button and leaned in closer to the mic on his side to tell her, “Yeh know I’ve always loved your voice. No need to be embarrassed.”

He saw Sia huff before she came out of the booth, rounding the corner and playfully rolling her eyes at him. He was glad she seemed to be in a good mood compared to how tense all their interactions had been lately. It was a nice change from the absolute shit show their recording session had been just a few days earlier.

“I was just tryin’ to figure out what to add to this song. Think it worked out pretty well,” she told him. She placed the laptop on the control set up in front of them and pressed play on what she’d recorded. She skipped ahead to the parts where it was relevant, and watched anxiously as Harry listened for the first time.

Sia had always been astounded at what an ear Harry had for music. What she had studied at uni for years, he was able to do with just his experience in the industry. It had always been amazing to watch him work, whether it be writing or recording, and being a part of the production of his first solo album was an honour, despite how contentious it had been up to that point. Harry had an innate sense of when something was good, and it was a thing to behold.

So, it was with bated breath that Sia watched as Harry listened to the changes she had made. It wasn’t until nearly the end of the song that a smile pulled at his lips and he turned to look at her.

“It’s really good. I like that a lot.”

Sia raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yeah. I think that’s what was missing.”

Sia finally smiled at him. “Alright. Thanks.”

And that smile meant more to Harry than Sia would ever know.

~*~*~*~

Later that evening, after Sia had reemerged from the studio in order to fix herself some dinner, she returned to her room to take a shower. The humidity in Jamaica had her in a perpetual state of gross and sticky, and it was requiring showers nearly twice a day. Not to mention the havoc it was wreaking on her hair was more than annoying. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like for someone with textured hair. Harry’s short hair made it manageable but she was sure it would have been a riotous mess if it was still long.

Sia took her time too deep clean her hair and exfoliate and shave and all those things girls always want to have time to do in the shower but never really get a chance to do. She was just stepping out, with a towel already wrapped around her hair, when there was a knock at her door.

“Yeah?” she called out, wrapping another towel under her arms. She was assuming it was Mitch, possibly coming to suggest they go out on the sand and have a bonfire or hang out on the patio with a beer or glass of wine.

However, she was surprised when her door opened, revealing Harry’s aforementioned flouncy head of curls, his eyes peeking in around the door. When his and Sia’s eyes met, they both widened, realising the precariousness of this situation. Harry seemed to come to his senses first, quickly trying to backpedal.

“Sorry,” he quickly said, fumbling to try to exit the room, walking backwards.

Sia caught sight of the mugs in his hands, the things that were making it specifically hard for him to back out of the room.

“Did yeh bring tea for me?” she asked, making him stop his awkward struggle.

“Uh…yeah. It’s that chai one from Clipper yeh always liked. Know it’s hard to find in America,” he said, slowly inching back into the room, dutifully locking his eyes in on her face. He didn’t want to screw up this new lighter civil interaction between them by letting his eyes wander over her nearly naked body. It was obviously nothing he hadn’t seen before but he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by looking at her for too long.

“Oh my god, yeh serious? Don’t leave with that tea, Styles. Bring it in.”

If Harry was surprised by her invitation to stay and bring her the tea, he didn’t show it. He walked in and gently closed the door behind him, leaving it open just a crack to not make Sia feel like he was blocking her in or anything. He was aware of how great of an opportunity this was, considering they’d been at each other’s throats for the last two weeks and hadn’t spoken to each other since about a month after their break up. He wasn’t going to intentionally do anything to make her more uncomfortable than she already probably was or upset her in anyway, since she seemed to have a pretty short fuse these days. He came here with a peace offering. Making her angry would be counterproductive.

“Hope yeh still like your chai with a splash of soy milk. I made it before I realised it’s been nearly a year since I’ve made it for yeh,” Harry commented as he walked to the bedside table. He heard Sia walk into the small walk-in closet and figured he’d keep his back turned in order to give her a little bit of privacy.

“Don’t think any of my likes have changed in only a year, Styles,” she called back to him, quickly stepping into a pair of sleep shorts. She was apprehensive about Harry showing up here out of the blue, but she was going to take this as the opportunity to call a truce with him. Ellen and Mitch were right: It was time to make the amends that she could so she could start fully healing. She wasn’t prepared to tell him everything, but hopefully this was the first step she needed to take in order to move forward.

“Except for your like of guys named Harry Styles,” Harry scoffed, mostly joking. He knew he had no right to be bitter, but her abhorrence of him hurt in a way that he couldn’t fully describe and definitely wouldn’t admit to to anyone but himself.

“No offense, but yeh brought that one on yourself,” she called back. She’d finally slipped a shirt on over her head, so she emerged from the closet to see Harry sitting gently on the edge of her bed.

She took her hair out of the towel on her head and shook it out with her fingers, tossing the town onto the edge of the bathtub.

Harry sighed and watched as she walked over to join him, picking up the mug he offered her before taking a seat more toward the middle of the bed, folding her legs under her.

“I know. And that’s kinda why I’m here,” he told her. He waited until she took a sip of her own tea to pick up his own. He nearly smiled at the little satisfied grin she got after she swallowed but figured she’d find it weird that he was watching her that closely.

Sia raised her eyebrows at him. “To discuss why you’re not my favourite person at the moment? Kinda masochistic, Harry.”

He snorted. “Not like that. I just…wanted to say that I’m sorry for snappin’ at yeh the other day. I shouldn’t have done that in front of everyone. Or at all.”

Sia smirked at him over the rim of her cup. “Kinda deserved it. I knew I was pokin’ at all your buttons. I should’ve known better.” Her smirk dropped and she sighed. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t’ve done that. Yeh don’t deserve it and it was incredibly unprofessional.”

“Jeff wasn’t happy with either of us, but I begged him off. Told him we’d get our shit together.” Harry took another sip of his tea. “I don’t blame yeh for buggin’ me like that. May not have done it very nicely, but it was actually sound professional advice. Jeff just doesn’t want this to escalate to something that jeopardises the production schedule. I promised him it wouldn’t.”

“If he’d talk to me, I’d promise the same.” She scowled down into her tea. “Guess we know Jeff is the type to take sides. At least Ben is still actin’ neutral.”

“He’s my manager, Sia. It’s not personal. He’s actually been askin’ after yeh. Wants to make sure you’re okay, but he’s afraid of upsettin’ yeh.”

“Well, let him know I won’t bite his head off. And I promise not to create any more trouble.”

“Then can we promise each other to put all our personal bullshit aside? Just for now, at the very least. I realise callin’ this truce doesn’t fix everything, but I just wanna get rid of the tension for now. So, if we could just tentatively be work friends, I would love it and really appreciate it.”

The way he was gazing at her, with those bright green eyes, all pleading and sparkling, it made her heart skip just like it always had when they were together. They were entirely too pretty for his own good, and she knew that nearly every person he’d come across had fallen sweet victim to that gaze. It was hypnotising and captivating. It could get him whatever he wanted, but Harry was too good a person to use it to his advantage.

Damn him for hurting her, but he was a one in a billion type of person.

“Yeah. I’d really like that,” she agreed. She flashed him a small smile that Harry hesitantly reciprocated. She chuckled at his apprehension. “I promise, Harry. We can deal with all our ‘personal bullshit’ after we’ve produced a kickass record. So, as long as we’ve agreed, we act like friends and get this done. Then, when it’s over, we can deal with…everything. If we’re feelin’ up to it.”

“I never wanted us to end up like this, Sia.”

The tears that swam in Harry’s eyes had a lump forming in Sia’s throat. She had to cough to clear it.

She nodded. “I know, Harry. I know.”