#hurray for posting some rambly thoughts

[kuwdora]

I always have thoughts about book-to-media adaptations running in the back of my mind these days since it’s part and parcel of our fannish landscape. There’s just so much that goes into translating something from book to a visual medium. And then the adaptation fails in some small and/or large way and it ends up being a disappointment. (I think there’s also a lot to be said about adaptations that are more Successful than not and what success means in an adaptation…but I think that deserves its own post.)

I’m often considering a person’s entry point to adaptations, whether it’s through the media or the original source, and how that plays into people’s reactions about failures of adaptations or—like, what each person is wanting to get out of the adaptation if they know the original source material. And what they’re happy with when they’ve just discovered it through the adaptation.

Just gonna ramble a little bit about my own experience with being a book-to-adaptation person. I think even when writing and production circumstances are the most ideal, it’s still fucking hard as hell to adapt complicated narratives to the screen. Still. I’m not immune to heartbreak about seeing something play out badly because I had been so attached to the original book material.

When I was a little girl I picked up a fantasy book featuring a little girl protagonist. This main character was living in a foster situation, had dead parents, and a wishy-washy background she didn’t know much about. She was a little bit of a ruffian and kind of defied everybody and everything because she had a very strong sense of self and moral code. She is, of course, a child of prophecy and has a lot in store for her.

Over the course of the first book she ends up embroiled in some social and political intrigue and ends up going on a grand adventure. She meets an outcast who is is hated by humans but they use his services anyway because he’s good at his job. He ends up becoming her protector and guardian and would do anything for her.

She eventually crossed paths with a world-traveling misfit with who brought levity and a heart of gold to every scene. She also ended up meeting a very old, very beautiful witch also fell in love with this child and would move heaven and earth to protect her and help her survive and thrive.

The whole series deals with a lot of complex issues of the moral and social variety, and there’s a running theme about how men and institutions headed by men wield their power and try to impose their vision of the world on everyone. Particularly on women.

The little girl also eventually found out that her dad isn’t actually dead like she was told. The dad is alive and well and he’s asshole, also a bad guy. But he has the MOST CHARISMA EVER, holy fuck.

I ate these books up as a kid and reread them over and over and my brain and heart totally grew around them. I admired the protagonist and her sharp wit and mouthiness and determination. Her resiliency and perseverance to do what she knew would be right and just. As I got older and I reread the books and absorbed the more complex issues about personhood and agency. I thought more about how you can resist a bad situation or person when the world/person is trying to change you to fit their ideal. (That part was particularly important to me when I was young). But also the themes of good and evil, etc. I started seeing the politics and then understanding it more with every reread over the years when I started reading more history, more politics. It had always been there in the books but I could finally SEE it. It felt like a revelation.

A dozen or so years later it turns out someone was going to going to adapt these books! It was much discussed and heavily anticipated. These were well-known, beloved fantasy books from the 90s. Amazing characters and great scenes! Fascinating themes.

God I remember being so excited when I heard about the adaptation. And then I got to see it. It was the most confusing and disappointing experiences of my life. What I ended up seeing was pretty. Great costumes, CGI. Amazing actors! But everything that made the books interesting and magical and profound had been watered down, elided over the moral complexities. Or it outright changed things that would have fundamentally shifted the events of the rest of the books and make the adaptation even MORE incomprehensible.

I’m talking about the 2007 film adaptation of The Golden Compass from Philip Pullman’s trilogy His Dark Materials. A lot of this probably sounds familiar to my Witcher mutuals, right?

Anyway.

The film had so many boycotts by the Catholic Church and other churchy groups in the United States for its depiction of institutionalized religion in Lyra’s world. So on the studio-side they made so many changes and demands that fucked the movie. So much doesn’t make sense or is just pales in comparison to what was actually originally intended.

After the film’s flop even more articles and reviews came out talking about Tom Stoppard’s original draft of the film and the director’s first take on the screenplay. Vulture read both versions and it's really illuminating what they discovered. The film was indeed supposed to be significantly longer but the studio wasn’t having it because they wanted kids to go and see this film and 2+ film wasn’t gonna be it.

Like. The studio was really hoping for another Harry Potter franchise and were treating this book-to-film more like a YA fantasy type of thing. When in reality someone wrote a sanded down version of the story for the screenplay that left me and a whole bunch of other people fucking jaded as hell. Because damn. Way to miss the fucking mark on an amazing fantasy series. 10000% missed it. I’ve blacked out most of the actual film from memory because I just could not believe it. The disappointment. The heartache of not doing the story justice.

But yeah…just… someone really thought The Golden Compass was gonna be a huge fantasy action/adventure hit because there were really cool talking animals.

It’s so fucking hilarious to me in retrospect. When you realize these books are Phillip Pullman’s AU fanfic/fix-it of Paradise Lost where Lucifer gets to have his revenge on the kingdom of heaven, there was noooo way that original film was going to even begin to set up a 3 or 4 film franchise. Nooo way.

The first book ends with an absolutely heartbreaking and horrific scene that is the catalyst for Lyra and what motivates her for the next 1500 pages of the series. I was there opening weekend in that theater for The Golden Compass. I have never been more confused in my LIFE while watching a film because they ended the film like 5 chapters before the end of the book. They lopped it off and made the first film a very strange Cliffhanger for a sequel that would absolutely never get made. I was flabbergasted.

The disappointment. The confusion. The despair. I was fucking depressed about it for a good long time. I had been so excited and been brimming with anticipation because I loved the books so much and I wanted it to be good and then what I got was….absolute garbage. To me. I mean maybe if I had been a little girl watching the film for the first time it would have been better. But as an adult who had spent the better part of my life immersed in Lyra’s character arc… I just. Could not feel more betrayed.

I can’t even be that upset anymore because I’ve had enough time to grieve and leave it behind. Then somehow the universe came together and HBO let Jack Thorne and company re-do the books as a series. It is a much more faithful adaptation. I’m too close to the book source to know if people who don’t read the books will get the same kind of experience out of seeing the show play through Lyra and Will’s experiences in the show.

The final season of His Dark Materials was also probably the most philosophical and abstract season of fantasy television I’ve seen. I fucking loved it. I don’t think it was perfect, but it was really enjoyable and did more to soothe my soul than I thought possible. It’s not a show for everyone—and I’m still not sure how it got made because HBO the last few years had been going through some changes. Maybe I’m very sentimental and forgiving, I don’t know. The narrative pacing was a bit weird to me in places and some of the dialogue was hit or miss but overall, I could not have gotten a better time from it.

That experience with the film a has made me much more intentional about managing my expectations of how I approach media adaptations.

Where am I starting with an adaptation? What am I hoping to get out of this? Who is making it and what are the production constraints working against it? How do I manage my expectations if I know the original source and what do I want from the visual media and acting? Etc etc. Do I want to go and read the original if I don’t know it already because I want to see what changes they made?

I keep thinking about everything with The Witcher Netflix. It’s so fucking difficult to get anything made through studios and networks (especially now, but even then in the late 2000s)… And when you’re trying to appeal to the widest audience possible, you’re only going to get so far when you’ve left the rest of the source inspiration on the table. And didn’t bother to make up for the difference in what you left there.

We all know how depressing it is. The streaming model has fucked television over completely. The depreciation of writers rooms… we had 20 and 22 episodes, and then 15 and 12 episodes. Filler episodes with great character moments. Space to flesh out complex narratives with nuance. And now 8 episodes as a standard runtime. The lack decent amount of time for production (including pre and post) to actually set things up in a way that serves the media narrative.

It’s so hard to cater to everyone when you’re drawing from a book/comic book. Also harder to cater to your specific audience. But when you’re trying cater to enough people so you don’t get cancelled and keep going to try and tell the story you’re trying to tell, that’s fucking hard and shitty and I don’t begrudge them for that. Even though it sucks.

Even though I can hate it as much has I can understand it. Wish it was different. Even though it can be a fucking travesty of epic proportions because these writers/showrunners/directors don’t get the space to actually flesh out what they’re trying to do.

Even if people are writing a very different iteration of the story that I don’t like/want/agree with/understand/etc.

That doesn’t even go into the issue of when showrunners and directors don’t understand the characters they’re working with or make fundamental changes because of their own vision, production constraints, and everything else. You might see a lot of this going around again with Red, White, and Royal Blue and what the director had changed in his film adaptation. People are worked up into a froth for very valid reasons. It’s all exhausting but this is all nothing new. Still demoralizing when people so attached to the original material.

Anyway. That’s….just some thoughts that have been sitting with me for awhile. Could probably ramble more if I can get the brain cells together.

Fun fact: George RR Martin looked at the 2007 The Golden Compass film and said (paraphrasing here): “I am never, ever fucking EVER letting anyone make my books into a film. A television show is the way to go.”

Fun fact #2: James SA Corey (Daniel Abraham and Ty Frank) worked with GRRM extensively over the years and I think others have written more extensively about GRRM’s influence the way they wrote sprawling narratives with multiple POV characters. Anyway they developed a tabletop RPG that they eventually turned into novels that became The Expanse.

Which eventually got adapted to television. SyFy network was in a bidding war with Netflix for the show and out-bid Netflix. This was a show adaptation that did not hold your hand whatsoever. Fascinating, new, interesting. Faithful adaptation. Still got cancelled after two seasons. Even though both authors had become producers on the show and were learning more about production and writing teleplays from experienced sci-fi showrunners/producers/television writers.

Show was later picked up by Amazon to finish out the last few seasons. But I would bet my bottom dollar that both these authors watched how the Game of Thrones adaptations went and probably went “we’re not gonna let this happen to us.” And I think that’s reflected in the way they and their team were able to adapt the story faithfully with multiple huge and small changes specifically so it would work with the television medium.

[fairymermaidfloor]

welcome! here’s some stuff you need to know before interacting w our blog!

masterlist

🌊 general info

I’ll be posting my writing here, though i will also be doing requests, but i may also take suggestions and fic ideas, so feel free to post any!!! very appreciated!!

but overall this is just here for any personal writings from my ao3 and lil ideas

🌊 rules

no toxicity, please be nice when suggestion or commenting.

this is entirely sfw, i am a minor any and all nsfw asks will be deleted.

any inc*st, y*ndere, *ntis, tr*ump s*pporters, h*moph*bic, tr*nsph*bic, r*cist, *lbiest, s*xist and x*noph*bic remarks would be deleted IMMEDIATELY.

i don’t want anything to do w any mentions of abuse

I may delete some requests if I don’t understand them or i feel uncomfortable w them (which means some angst)

i am honestly not that strict, and im relatively care-free, but i won’t tolerate any toxic behavior!!

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🌊 suggesting/requesting

suggesting is basically like requesting, but the writer gets to pick and chose what which one they want to write, and they can even twink it a lil, but don’t take this harsh if i don’t pick urs! i’ve may not have the time or im just hella lazy... and, don’t be shy to suggest! im really weird myself and i love hearing ur thoughts~

Character Limit: 4

things i’ll do:

hcs

character x reader (ill try and stay gn as possible!!)

drabbles

concepts

fandom(s):

genshin impact

ships(ill probs make a whole post ab this):

Kaeya/Albedo

Xiao/Venti

Zhongli/Childe

Beido/Ningguang

Ganyu/Kequing

Albedo/Sucrose

Childe/Kaeya

Diluc/Zhongli

Diluc/Venti

Bennet/Ravor

Barbra/Xinyan

Jean/Lisa

Xingqiu/Chongyun

Beidou/Ganyu

Kokomi/Sara

P.S. you can suggest a ship that isn’t in the list, and if i like it ill write it. but i will not do any traveler x char, because idk how to make it NOT self indulgent

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🌊 about rainy

hurray! u read and made it this far!!! so, hello hello!! im mod rainy, but you can also call me kia, lina, and etc. i love reading and writing, tho im not very good at it lolol. i also like music, mermaids, fairies, animals, the sky, flowers, fairies, and insects! also women 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞 and I’ll LITERALLY hire u JUST to clean my Pinterest boards (help).

i have some experience w running blog since i did once before, but w danganronpa, but my mental health dropped a lot, and i was no longer interested in it as i was in the past.. sad.

if u wanna be friends just send me an ask!! I love making friends, tho be wary that i am a minor and that i won’t socialize w any adults that i don’t know..

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🌊 tags

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[the-ice-sculpture]

Reflecting on the Loki show

Hurray – fewer instances of cringey humour in Episode 2 than Episode 1!

Shame about there not being a single scene in the entire episode in Episode 2 where Loki felt in character

If this wasn’t a Loki show, I’d probably be enjoying it at the same level as a casual viewer of any other TV show. The plot’s interesting with a different take on time travel that I’ve seen, and there are no boring moments. But I can’t get past the lack of MCU Loki here. I just... Ugh. It’s so frustrating. No other media could get away with the main character suddenly having a personality transplant, but because it’s Marvel people are... fine with it, for some reason?

I can live with the tone and plot being different to what I’d do with it if I’d had the choice. I’ve said multiple times in the past that just because the show probably won’t give me what I want from it doesn’t mean that the show can’t be good in its own right. But what I didn’t anticipate before any of the trailers started coming out was that the Loki here might not feel like MCU Loki at all. I can forgive a lot of things, but I just can’t wrap my head around the sheer number of people who must have given the green light to all the decisions made about his characterisation. Those kinds of things can’t just be blamed on one person, it’d be a combination of the writers, directors, actors, producers...

I never thought that Loki finally getting to be the main character on screen (how many years have I wanted that to happen? 7? 8?) would be the thing to cause me to have my first ever thoughts about quitting this fandom.

I’m not having fun. I’m used to being more than a bit disappointed. I even stayed in the fandom after Thor: Ragnarok came about without much complaining, despite not being a fan of a fair amount of elements in it. I even stayed after Infinity War and Endgame came out with very little complaining either, despite how many things there were that I didn’t like in them. I even rewatched Game of Thrones after being just as unsatisfied with how it was tied up as everyone else was, and I still love the first four seasons and some scenes from later on (yes, even including Season 8).

But I’m not used to being this level of disappointed. The past month I’ve gone from having 5 different Loki WIPs I wanted to write to suddenly not being sure if I want to finish any of them at all. I mean, at least two of them will be finished because they’re oneshots for an event and I’ve already done most of the work so I might as well, but the contrast with my motivation is huge.

I don’t want to leave this fandom. I still have things I (hypothetically) want to write. I have over 100,000 words of various unpublished Loki fanfics that I’ve been working on. I don’t want them to go to waste. I want to finish what I started. It’s not like the enthusiasm for the idea of the stories has gone, it’s just... I don’t know, the overarching disappointment and not having fun in a fandom space anymore? How strongly Loki is associated with me feeling bitter and miserable now? How the show and the experience outside of it is doing the opposite of inspiring me?

I don’t to be that person either. You know, the one who has an entire blog dedicated to moaning about something. The one who seems determined to interpret everything in the worst possible light, regardless of rationalism. The one who seems like they’d never be satisfied unless something was made 100% their way, and if it wasn’t then of course it’s Problematic and that’s why it’s Just Plain Bad, and it’s nothing to do with personal taste and a certain amount of projection. The one who starts getting positive reinforcement about hating something, so it becomes a habit and before they know it, it’s part of their daily routine, and they’re still regularly doing it years later. The one who goes on about how ‘if you’re a true fan of [x] and really understood [x], this would bother you’, or worse, starts making it personal with the real people involved in the creation of the show.

But the experience of not liking the show is a lonely one. There are other people who don’t agree on his characterisation either, I know. But when the vast majority of people who watch it seem not to find the changes in his entire character jarring? When people are going around saying that it’s not until now that the writers have finally understood Loki? When you get people acting like anyone who voices any criticism whatsoever is ridiculous and shouldn’t be in the fandom and behaves like they might catch the Taint of Negativity if they were to associate with them? When any criticisms are dismissed as ‘people who just want to hate the show’?

Believe me, I don’t want to hate the show. I’d love to be happy with the show. But I'm not. This Loki doesn’t feel like MCU Loki. The only time he did feel like himself to me was during the scene towards the end of Episode 1 where he was watching parts of his life on screen. That’s it. Over one and a half hours into the series so far, 1/3 of the entire show. Out of all that, only one scene.

And now every time I see people being happy about the show it makes me feel resentful. And, no, I’m not going to add anything negative to their posts or say anything to them. If the show is what it is and there’s no changing it then it’s better at least some people get to enjoy it rather than it bringing about universal misery. I don’t want to take away anyone else’s happiness. I just to feel happy too, but I don’t, and I’m painfully aware of it.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, I think I’m just venting. 

I don’t know what the solution is either. Space from fandom for a bit? I mean, I’ve been doing this a bit already recently (not full commitment, just more than usual), but I like being able to use tumblr as an escape. Unfollow people/leave Discord groups? But there are people who I’ve had plenty of positive interactions with, and I don’t want to lose those connections.

It’s really dumb, but I like my fandom corner. I like knowing that if I post a fic, there’ll be a certain small group of people who’ll probably read it, and a smaller chunk of those who’ll comment on it, even all these years later. And there are still so many stories I want to tell with Loki, so many things I haven’t done yet, but... 

Yeah, I don’t know if my motivation will come back or not (I’m leaning towards maybe not). Or how much the fandom will change as a result of the show. I’d expect a wave newcomers, but if a lot of new fics being written are largely based on the show characterisation (and if reader expectation of Loki’s characterisation lies with that too), then I have little to no interest in it.

Oh, and another thing to add to my list of things I don’t want to be: I don’t want to be that person who is all ‘I’ve been here longer and know better and am therefore more of a real fan than any of you new people’. So there’s that.

Ultimately, I think I’m eventually going to have to choose between staying and trying to squash/somehow extinguish any bitter feelings, or leaving. I don’t like either of those options very much. It might be premature of me to post this before the show has ended because my feelings might change, but, unsurprisingly, writing is a good way of processing feelings and I’ve been having a lot of them that need processing.

In case anyone’s actually read this obscene amount of rambling, I’m okay, I’m not, like, weeping over this as I write or anything. But it’s still not a great feeling to have a place that was once my favourite place for escapism and creativity to make me feel like I might not be welcome or like I might not want to be there. And it’s not like I can easily just switch over to another fandom to write for, because there are no other characters who have inspired me to write anywhere near much as Loki has. So, yes, I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. All over a fictional TV show. I repeat: it’s dumb.

[courtingstars]

Notes for The Vanishing Prince, Chapter 4

It’s Chapter Four, hurray! This one turned out a little differently than I expected… Mostly because the scene at Rakuzan ended up being so long. But I decided to keep it as is, because I just love Rakuzan’s team SO MUCH. <3

So as promised, this was Rakuzan’s turn to have a cameo (and by cameo I mean a super long scene, with loads of love for the Uncrowned Kings and especially Reo).

Also, I ended up including screenshots from the anime in this post! So if you’re interested in a basic breakdown of my theory about why scenes like this one prove that psychic phenomena were included in the show from the beginning:

Well read on, friend. BECAUSE OH DO I HAVE THEORIES ABOUT THAT.

(Cut for stuff about Rakuzan, a little about why I love the Uncrowned Kings so much, even more love for Reo, a brief explanation of some of the supernatural/psychic references, and a seriously epic yudofu restaurant because tofu is Akashi’s first love, obviously)

On Rakuzan’s Campus

It was fun to try to figure out what Rakuzan as a school would be like… I’ve had a headcanon for a while that each member of the Generation of Miracles chose a high school (and a team) that generally reflected their personality and priorities. So my version of Rakuzan has a lot of Akashi-esque qualities to it. XD

Canonically, Rakuzan is supposed to be a prestigious school that excels in multiple areas. That’s one reason why I included OCs in this chapter, to show that Akashi is far from being the only overachiever at his school. Which, as Furihata realizes, makes his status at the school that much more impressive! (Plus I like to fill out different areas of characters’ lives that we don’t get to see in canon, sometimes by coming up with new characters… I try not to overdo it too much, though, because I know it might only be interesting to me? //laughs)

As a side note, the Rakuzan students are shown preparing for their school’s cultural festival, which is a common event in Japanese schools, and pops up in anime a lot. It frequently involves each class and/or club designing a different booth or event for the festival (like selling food, putting on a play, etc). I’ve read a few series where the festival occurs in late summer to early fall. I don’t know if that’s the typical time of year or not, but that’s why I included the student council working over their vacation to prepare! From what I understand, it’s not uncommon for Japanese students who are really involved in extracurricular activities to continue participating in them over summer vacation (like sports practices, for example).

I Just Really Love The Uncrowned Kings, Okay?

Hopefully I wasn’t the only one looking forward to seeing how Furihata would get along with Rakuzan’s three Uncrowned Kings! I find their canon relationship with Akashi really fascinating, so I wanted to explore some of the implications of it in this chapter. (And then it went on WAYYY longer than I expected. But I was just having too much fun and too many feelings to stop? XD;)

For me, one of the most interesting questions about Rakuzan in KnB is why the other players elected Akashi as captain in his first year… I have a lot of headcanons about it (and a one-shot fic that I started ages ago, that I still really want to finish!). It’s especially interesting because the Uncrowned Kings had a history of competing against the Generation of Miracles in junior high.

So in this chapter, I ended up hinting at some of my theories about why the Kings in particular would decide to make Akashi (and specifically Bokushi!) their leader. I also implied that Akashi wasn’t the only member of Rakuzan who was forced to reevaluate his priorities because of the events of the Winter Cup. (To me this is portrayed really well in the last few episodes, through Reo’s reactions especially.)

Basically, one of the reasons I love Rakuzan so much is because I think of all of them as hyper-competitive people who originally decided to go after victory and focus on dominating the competition, at the cost of everything else… And then were forced to face the consequences of that decision, and realize it was ultimately unfulfilling, at least in part because they came to genuinely value the bonds they’d formed as a team. <3 So I tried to show this in how they explained the situation to Furihata.

… I’m also kind of surprised that I managed to fit in references to all five of the Kings in this chapter? I did not expect that. (And I definitely did not expect how Kiyoshi and Hanamiya would come up in the conversation. //laughs)

Also, I do headcanon Reo as wearing makeup sometimes! I just feel like he would be amazing at it, honestly. (Or maybe I’ve just spent too much time watching beauty gurus on YouTube or something, lol.) In any case, I’m SO HERE for Reo in general… Especially Reo the Love and Sexuality Guru, finally telling it like it really is? //laughs (Oh my god I worked SO MANY self-indulgent headcanons into that silly conversation… Though interestingly enough, Reo flirting with Takao is from some of the anime outtake/bonus scenes. XD So I didn’t make that part up, at least!)

I should probably also mention that some of Furihata’s assumptions/uncertainty about Reo’s identity are related to Japanese culture… In KnB, Reo is depicted as the type of person who would probably be thought of as an “okama,” which usually refers to a gay man who’s also very feminine in their gender expression. (It can also refer to a drag queen, for example.) I think the term was used in the KnB manga, but I wasn’t able to verify that? (And I should also mention that the term itself can be offensive or positive/reclaimed, depending on who uses it.) So gender and sexuality are distinct aspects of a person, but Reo’s choice of self-expression and honorifics, at least to someone who is Japanese, would tend to imply certain things about both. I tried to make that as apparent in the scene as I could, without going into the cultural concept behind it?

(Also a special shout-out to anyone who figured out why Reo asked Furi his date of birth, and why Furi’s answer intrigued him… Because OH HOW I COULD RAMBLE ON AND ON ABOUT THAT.)

On Empaths, Mediums, Clair Senses, and Auras

So for those of you who wanted to see more supernatural stuff in this fic, I really hope you enjoyed Reo’s little conversation with Furi! (I’ve been looking forward to these two finally interacting for SO LONG. I’ve had a million headcanons about them, ever since I wrote that one chapter of Giving Chocolate ages ago… I even hinted at it in several of my other fics, mostly the Christmas ones. XD)

I won’t go into a super-detailed explanation of supernatural abilities here, since the terms I used aren’t culturally specific to Japan, and are pretty easy to research. But since I see Reo as someone who likes to use knowledge from lots of different modalities of the supernatural (like tarot divination, for example), I figured that I would give a quick overview of some of the stuff he mentioned.

An empath is basically someone who is supposed to be able to sense supernatural “energy” in their environment. The idea is that things like a person’s mental health and emotions manifest as energy—in their aura, for example—and empaths can sense this energy and even absorb some of it. (Sometimes to the point that it’s difficult for them to tell the difference between their own feelings and someone else’s.) Empaths can get very overwhelmed and anxious around crowds of people—or a specific person who is emotionally intense or even toxic—for the same reason. Basically, an empath is naturally affected by outside energy, and tends to let that energy in, more than most people. Even though they themselves may not realize it.

A medium, on the other hand, is someone who can connect with spirits, like those of people who have passed on. (I didn’t mention the term in the chapter, but seeing ghosts could potentially fall under this category.) The ability to do this is believed to manifest in a lot of different ways. Some of the possible ways are sometimes called “clair senses.”

“Clair senses” refer to different types of psychic/supernatural perception. The most common term is clairvoyance, which is being able to “see” supernatural phenomena. (From what I understand, it can be literal seeing, or more of a “in your mind’s eye” type of thing.) There are other types of clair senses too, like clairaudience (hearing supernatural things, like a spirit’s voice), and claircognizance (knowing something supernatural, kind of like having a “hunch”).

And finally, an aura is a form of supernatural energy (or light!) that surrounds a person. Some people think it reveals everything from your overall health to your current emotions. (I’ve always been kind of fascinated with the concept, and I even had my aura read for fun once. //laughs) In Chapter Four, we find out that while Akashi’s aura is more or less a single color (red), Furihata’s aura has multiple colors. Believers in auras often claim that the appearance and colors of a person’s aura can tell you a lot about them, and what they’re going through.

So it might seem like a stretch, to be including this stuff in a fic about a basketball anime… But weirdly enough, the canon of Kuroko no Basuke has a lot of intriguing moments that could be interpreted as referring to stuff like auras and clair senses? I could probably ramble on about my theories on this for FOREVER, so instead I’ll just leave a couple of screenshots here:

(Subtitles/translation courtesy of Crunchyroll)

… Yeah. I definitely did not come up with the idea to include this stuff on my own. XD (You can interpret these moments as symbolic too… But I feel like the story actually makes more sense if it’s literal, at least on some level? //laughs)

(Especially since that’s not even counting all the aura-like visuals in the show. And the weird eye stuff. And characters who can apparently predict the future in various ways. AND THE TRIPPY DOOR VISIONS AT THE END. SERIOUSLY DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE DOOR VISIONS. Anyway.)

On Platform Dining in Kyoto

I might talk about this in more detail for an upcoming chapter, but yes, the part about dining on platforms in Kyoto in the summer is a real thing! You can find a general overview about it here.

Basically, since it gets so hot and humid in the valley where Kyoto is, some of the restaurants have a tradition of putting up special wooden platforms over the river and serving their customers on them. It’s called “kawayuka” dining when it’s done over the Kamogawa river, inside the city. (An area outside Kyoto called Kibune also participates in the tradition, where this style of dining is called “kawadoko.”)

On the Yudofu Restaurant

Finally, in the longstanding tradition of me doing way too much research about the places in my fics, I did indeed pick out a real place for Akashi’s favorite restaurant!

First off, I should probably mention that yudofu isn’t just Akashi’s favorite food. It’s also one of the most famous regional dishes in Kyoto. (Maybe THE most famous!) Kyoto has a ton of restaurants that specialize in making high-quality tofu, so a boiled tofu dish like yudofu is extremely popular, both with locals and tourists. Yudofu itself was also created in Kyoto, because the monks working in the temples needed vegetarian dishes for their Buddhist diet.

Yudofu is thought to have originated in the area around Nanzenji temple. That being the case, I wanted to choose one of the most traditional, famous restaurants there to be Akashi’s favorite. I had a couple of choices, like this restaurant, which is one of the oldest restaurants in Japan. But in the end, I chose a place called Nanzenji Junsei because the atmosphere of the garden, the ability to reserve a private dining room, and the elaborate set meals all struck me as something Akashi and his family would appreciate. (Plus it seems to be highly rated as well as famous.) You can learn about the history of the restaurant, and see tons of pictures of the buildings, garden, and the food on the absolutely gorgeous official website here.

(Yeah. I want to go there. SO BAD. You can also see more pictures of the restaurant in the TripAdvisor reviews, including more shots of the private dining rooms.)

And while I haven’t been lucky enough to try it in Kyoto, I have made yudofu before! It’s an ultra simple dish that relies on the highest possible quality ingredients. So it’s definitely an appropriate choice for Akashi. (That being said, it does amuse me that his favorite food is basically just, well, tofu cooked in water… Like what teenage guy would say that was his top favorite food EVER? Oh, Akashi. You are such a Kyoto boy. XD)

On a side note, if you want an idea of how old some of the restaurants in Kyoto really are, I thought this article of the top ten oldest restaurants in Japan was interesting! Kyoto still has restaurants in operation that date all the way back to the middle ages.

The city’s culinary fame also inspired a longtime headcanon of mine that the Rakuzan players initially bonded over restaurant hopping… So that’s why that keeps popping up in my fics? //laughs Well, that, and this screenshot from one of the third season endings that literally shows them eating together in a place that looks like a Kibune kawadoko restaurant, and wearing yukata no less:

(Oh Mayu, I miss you, why did you have to graduate before this fic takes place? XD)

(And seriously don’t get me started on the shots of each team from that ending, they’re all adorable with great little geographical/cultural references AND I CAN’T)

Well, that’s it for my notes! I have a draft of the next chapter completed, and while my goal is to work ahead in the story first, I hope to be posting it very soon. (I don’t want to give too much away, but I will say… IT’S A TRIP.) I’ll also be sharing my Pinterest board for the fic then, so if you enjoyed the ones for Storming the Castle, that’s coming up!

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hello, it is I, a 34 year-old woman who has come here to talk about someone I know who may or may not have a crush on me but it’s irrelevant because 1) he’s not single and 2) I have cancer so I’m not going to date anyone anyway. But guess what? I don’t care!! Some things just never change and the kind of “am I reading this right??” insecurity that you have when you’re a teenager just never goes away.

So, hey, if you’ve missed me I’m here to deliver all kinds of silliness tonight! I’ve been away lately because, during the week, I went to an appointment in Boston with a doctor from Harvard who specializes in the kind of breast cancer I have and (hurray!) think it really paid off and I think I’ll be treated there. Then, for the weekend, my NY-area friends and I went away to a cabin in the woods for pre-chemo celebration/togetherness. (Don’t worry; it wasn’t like a horror movie.) It was totally wonderful. I drove to and from the cabin with the dude in question. My adolescent ramblings below.

So, back in August I wrote this silly post about whether I was over- or misinterpreting my friend’s behavior. At the time, we’d been friends for about 3 months and he and his GF were long-distance. Now, we’ve been friends for an additional 7 months and she’s lived with him for 6 of those. They are now both actually my closest friends in town and really high on the list overall too. I like hanging out with them together and separately. We’ve got a neat nexus of overlapping interests so that any combination of the 3 of us has lots to talk about and a lot of fun. I’m somewhat closer to him, because we see each other SO often and because we often confide things in each other. I’m close to her too, though. It’s rare to find such good friends and, honestly, that’s the only really important thing. I have no interest in losing that.

Anyway, my read on the situation back when I posted in August is now pretty much that he was stressing out about the imminent arrival of the GF because they hadn’t been living together and she was moving there without a job just to be with him and that’s kind of a lot. I have no idea if it had anything to do with me. I think it may have, just in the sense of an additional thing. I think it’s likely that he had some level of crush on me--although even if not we were definitely good friends--and was worried about how that would change with the addition of a partner would change either dynamic. 

It all worked out because the minute the three of us met as a group we clicked instantly. We spent the summer and fall going hiking together and all having long conversations in the car and on the trail. We watched movies together and threw a Halloween party. He and I see each other 5-7 days a week (since we work together) and have a constantly active text conversations (the 3 of us have a GC too). I worried about intruding, but both of them invited me to stuff and were happy to be invited. (I did find it hard/annoying to try to see either one of them socially without the other...they do the couple thing of coming along as a unit but, ultimately, I didn’t make a thing out of it b/c they are great.) I could see how much he relaxed, literally the first few hours we all met up together as it was apparent how well we all got along. So, maybe he was worried about what I was going to do myself as well as his feelings? Who knows.

So I was pretty much on the side of “this was a temporary crush that abated once GF moved in and he remembered why they were together and it was clear that that wasn’t changing just b/c I was around.” That’s true, I think. But...ok. So, I’m very much one for crushing on, hooking up with, and getting into relationships with friends. I find it hard to know any other way. This means that I’m constantly keeping a lid on low-to-high level crushes for unavailable folks. (I think my brain is just wired for romantic/physical attraction to align with emotional closeness...too bad I’m only romantically and physically attracted to men though.) So of course--of COURSE--there is a part of me that wants us to be dating. Inevitably. It’s not helped by the fact that he reminds me so strongly of my first serious boyfriend, a wonderful guy I was with for 3.5 years. And, generally, I blame myself and this fact for any over-reading of things. But then I wonder if I’m not just gaslighting myself (an expert move) b/c I am so worried about coming off as arrogant by thinking he does have romantic feelings.

There are plenty of small things aside from just the constant contact. For one, he was deeply upset by my cancer diagnosis and is taking it all (including my feelings about it) very seriously. And, yeah, that is a very valid reaction, but we haven’t known one another that long...even my exes and friends from 10+ years ago haven’t been as affected, and the people who are have have been in my life for absolute ever. I’m shocked that he and the GF are willing to go through this with me since I feel like I haven’t given them much as friends so far, but they absolutely are so clearly they are just great people.

More frivolously, when one or both of us is intoxicated or otherwise in an altered state he’ll let himself be a lot physically closer to me than usual. Like, it’s actually notable that usually he tries hard not to be touching me, in a way that just has to be deliberate. Friends sit together and knock their shoulders or elbow each other or will pat backs, ruffle hair, share blankets, lean into each other...all the kinds of touching that communicate intimacy without it being sexually charged. If we do that by accident, he’ll move away fast. Except if he’s drunk. And even then it’s absolutely nothing untoward, just drifting into my space, resting knees together. One time we were standing in line for fried food after a bar night, with the GF, all happily drunk, and I leaned into him so our shoulders and arms were pressed together as I read the menu. He moved away so that we weren’t touching. Then, a fraction of a second later, he moved back so that we were pressed together again, like he’d made some kind of decision to do it. He also *never* says anything about my appearance. Like, not even “you look nice” when I’m dressed for an event or “I like your haircut.” Maybe he just doesn’t want to be brought in to validate me or something, but again it feels like it goes against the social norms for friends but makes sense if he’s trying to conceal non-platonic feelings.

We behave enough like a couple that people who encounter us, even at work, often believe we’re together. We share food and drinks (from the same plates or cups) and often bring things that the other has left behind at our places. We have to try not to get the giggles at meetings when inside jokes come up. We tease each other with stories only 2-3 of us (him, me, and GF) know. This is all kind of dumb and, mostly, background noise to a great friendship. I decided that we’d just always have a little tension/chemistry but that we’d probably never mention it and that’s fine. That’s likely right! But this weekend he and I drove up to this cabin together (about 3 hrs each way) and things felt...loaded?

I’m getting tired, so I may need to write down the rest of my thoughts later. But, on the way up, we listened to music and drove through the dark and had some good conversations about friends, family, work, life, etc. The weekend was great (about which more later, hopefully) and then today on the drive back (which, again, is close to 3 hours) we did nothing but talk. First, about life stuff and then, rapidly, about our entire relationship histories. We’d exchanged a lot of that info before--including how much I remind him of the GF before this one, which we affirmed again when I referred to her as “the one who is basically me” and he said “yeah, and in more than the superficial ways too.” To be clear, he wasn’t talking about his current relationship or implying anything like dissatisfaction with it. There was just a whole LOT of dating history, hookup history, good/bad feelings and experiences; the kind of long convo you can have with a friend while burning miles of highway.

We took a break, got back in the car, and I laughed and said “I feel like that was pretty much my whole history but if there’s anything else you want to know AMA!”. I didn’t expect him to take it seriously but he did and basically asked “What crazy things did you do when you were younger” and I was like “in what sense? and what’s do you consider ‘crazy’?” and he was like “I mostly mean sexually...and you get to decide what counts.” So, I don’t have a totally extensive experience to draw from but I have some so I shared a few and was like “what about you?” and then he shared a few. And we had actual real conversations about how relationships make you feel and about the weird nexus of desire and shame that can happen. 

Eventually I was like, “I think that’s everything I could tell you...anything else you wanted to know?”. And he goes quiet for a L O N G time and goes “is there anyone in [place where we live] that you have like a crush on?”. And I am rolling my eyes internally (and possibly externally) because EITHER this is the most obvious ploy to get me to say “oh it’s you!” that I’ve ever heard, or else he so TOTALLY doesn’t think of me that way that he’s not even counting himself as a possibility. So I just go ahead and say, “well, if you weren’t in a relationship I would want to date you” b/c I am not going to coyly misdirect. I’m watching the traffic b/c the highway is crowded so I don’t know what face he made but he says, “Thank you. I mean...yeah. I could see that happening. [pause] But what I meant was is there anyone you have just, like, an idle crush on?”. So then I feel kind of dumb because was that his way of letting me down gently? OR was it way of saying “yeah, what you’re talking about with us is more than an idle crush”?? One way makes me feel stupid for saying anything, and the other makes me feel like he pretty much just told me that we’d be dating if he weren’t with someone else - which is what I suspected but which I also thought it made me arrogant to think. (Or maybe it was just a way to not have to follow up on us both basically admitting that if things were different we’d be a couple.)

There was some other odd stuff, though none of it felt weird in a bad way just like it stuck out a little. (FYI, it was all in fun and not at all awkward - we are super comfortable together.) I was talking about how several times I’ve gotten together with guys for a short time who then went back to their long-term girlfriends and how one of my other friends said I was a “what if” girl; like “sure I have a girlfriend but what if I were with HER??”. And he was like, well yeah, that’s possible and a huge compliment b/c why not dream big? And then later said that clearly I could be a homewrecker if I ever wanted to be (though we both know I wouldn’t). He also told me about another girl who was his ex’s roommate who just started texting him again talking about how she’s unhappy in her relationship; he says they always had chemistry and that she’s reaching out b/c of that but that, obviously, he’s just playing dumb in the text messages and pretending that’s not what she’s doing. But, like, is he letting me know that other people like him? Why? Basically, I couldn’t get a handle on whether this conversation, whatever else it was, had a subtextual vibe of “I have doubts/questions about my current situation” or not.

Having typed it out, though, it sounds a bit like it does? And like they might involve me? Or that it’s just fully a “bad timing” kind of thing where we could date but obviously never will. Can we at least conclude that this is someone who is attracted to me?? It sounds like that, right?

I mean, it also sounds very silly and not appropriate to my age to be going over in such detail but, honestly, if it’s distracting me from cancer that’s kind of just good. Anyway, you are readers and writers of fic and consumers of literature so I appeal to you to let me know what YOU think is going on here...aside from the fact that no matter what I have a great pair of friends who I care very much about. I welcome the distraction....though if you could comment and not reblog that would be great. And thank you for reading this diary entry. ;)

[toddykun]

duckvember 2018: 3. game duck & 5. competitive duck - Duck Siblings (HDLW), Daisy’s Triplets (AMJ), Gladstone Gander & Donald Duck.

game over! or try again?

summary: Louie found a new indie video game made by an unknown developer inspired by their favorite superheroes! Hurray! Only problem? The last level seems impossible to complete. Could anyone in the mansion do it? Also, obviously the Duck Avenger is the best character to play with, right? No, Gizmoduck! No, Darkwing Duck! ...Huh, better ask Uncle Donald.

word count: 1994

n/a: inspired by this wonderful piece by @neon-shesh. april, may and june’s designs inspired by @avespecora, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants writing.

“Oh, come on! Not again!”

“Umm, Louie, what are you doing?”

Huey looked at Louie, sprawled on the floor dramatically, holding his phone like had betrayed him. Louie just looked at him with this indecipherable expression and then showed him his phone. A pretty high score was glowing in the screen and the words of two options: ‘try again!’ and ‘game over’. It showed too, the international high scores. The colors looked cool and the little animation too, Huey murmured appreciatively.

Huey sat beside him. “But you have a really high score, and into the internationals too, Louie! Why are you so frustrated? What is the game about?”

Louie sighed and got up like it was a trouble for him to do that but he smiled anyway, happy to ramble about his new discovery. “A person on the internet developed this new indie game with superheroes from real life! They have the Duck Avenger even when he’s retired. You can choose between Gizmoduck, Darkwing Duck and the Duck Avenger. I chose the Duck Avenger, of course, he’s the most badass.”

“I would like to argue that. Duck Avenger was the most badass, he retired, he’s no more. Gizmoduck, however, it’s a new superhero and he has so much-.”

Louie interrupted him immediately. “Yeah, yeah. I will fight you on that later because that doesn’t change the fact that the Duck Avenger is the most badass. Anyways, the game is pretty simple. But I can’t past the last level no matter how much I try. It’s stupid, I’m thinking it’s rigged.”

“Maybe the character is not the one adequate for the level?”

“That’s ridiculous, they’re all supposed to pass the levels.”

“Well, only one way to find out. Come on, let me try it with Gizmoduck.”

Louie passed the phone to him and Huey tried it. It was, like Louie said, an actually simple game. Like some Mario Bros game. But the animation was actually pretty cool and fluid and the levels were even more interesting. Until he got to the last level, and he lost. Multiple times.

“This doesn’t make sense! I have changed every little thing that went wrong went I played and none of them work?”

“I told you! It’s rigged!”

Dewey entered the living room and looked at his brothers being a little too mad at a simple phone. “Guys, what are you doing?”

“We are playing this game and none of us can pass it.”

“Oh, can I see? Mmm. I will choose Darkwing.”

“So, Launchpad made you like it, huh?”

“Shut up. Pass the game.”

.

“WHY THE HELL I CAN NOT PASS IT?”

“WE KNOW!”

“THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”

“Boys, whatcha doing?”

“WEBBY, TRY THIS!”

“Oh, ok. HEY, IS THAT THE DUCK AVENGER? I WILL CHOOSE HIM!”

Louie just smiled proudly. “Good choice, little sister. Good choice.” Huey and Dewey just rolled their eyes.

.

“WAIT, WHY I CAN NOT PASS IT?”

“UGH, COME ON, NOT EVEN WEBBY?!”

“THE GAME IT’S RIGGED, I TOLD YOU!”

“Maybe the developer made a mistake?” Huey took his book out of his hat and looked out for the page on developing independents video games.

Louie and Dewey rolled his eyes. “Not everything can be in that book, Huey.”

.

“Even Uncle Scrooge tried, and he lost too. Well, he didn’t like to play, kept saying that’s it was a ridiculously simple game and he shouldn’t lose his time. But when he kept losing he almost threw my phone like it personally offended him. No good.”

“Cousin Fethry tried too, but well, he didn’t really understand the game either. He thought it was cool though.”

“Well, atI least I’m glad they all have great taste. They all chose Duck Avenger.”

“Yeah but, boys, we have not found a way to win. Granny didn’t want to even try it though.”

“Launchpad tried too, he lost with Darkwing and he was actually good at playing it.”

“Maybe we could ask Uncle Gladstone? I mean, if someone it’s able to win, it’s him, right?”

All the kids looked at each other and then nodded. All of them went to look for Gladstone.

.

“Do you think anyone is going to ever catch up that you fucked up that last level on purpose so no one can find the secret passage, April?” May asked, making her basketball’s ball turn around in her finger while resting on her bed.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, I don’t know why no one is finding the secret passage in the last level!”

“Well, you should fix it, dear sister. Like me and this little buddy. Right, little buddy?” June cheerfully said from her place in her own bed. She was trying to fix a little robot she was making.

“I. Am. Trying. To. Fix. It! You’re not helping!” April declared, furiously typing on her computer.

May and June just rolled their eyes and shrugged, continuing to do their own thing.

“Girls, let’s go! April, to your programming classes! May, to your basketball practice! June, you volunteered to that activity in the park!”

“Yes, aunt Daisy!” May and June responded and went to look for her things. April made a frustrated noise and started to write even faster. “UGH, WAIT, JUST A LITTLE. I STILL NEED TO SEND THE UPDATE.”

“I’M NOT WAITING. APRIL!”

“UGH, OKAY.” April ended giving up, taking his things frustrated, putting her laptop in her bag. Well, she could just apologize to the gamer community later and post the update, she supposed.

.

“Sorry, little beans. Guess video games are not my thing, not even for my luck.” Gladstone did seem weirded out by the result too. He didn’t lose the game but for a really weird reason his character (the Duck Avenger, Louie was glad most of his family had such great taste) got stuck in a weird way, he didn’t lose like everybody else, he wasn’t killed even once but his character kept moving and moving without another obstacle on the way but the way didn’t end for minutes. Until they themselves stopped the game. It was like the game couldn’t let him lose but it couldn’t let him win either. It was actually ridiculous.

Webby sighed but smiled. “It doesn’t matter, Uncle Gladstone. Thanks anyways.”

Louie raised a brow and looked Huey and they both nodded. They were thinking the same thing. “In a way, Uncle Gladstone didn’t lose, he’s actually the only one that didn’t lose, and he never died in the game,” Huey concluded.

“The game is rigged, it’s impossible Uncle Gladstone had not won.” Louie ended saying.

Gladstone seemed to consider it too and then he smiled. “Have you asked Don to play it?”

“Do you think the most unlucky duck in the world can win this game?” It wasn’t like Dewey wanted to underappreciate his Uncle Donald but it was just. Good luck vs. Bad luck, you know.

Gladstone shrugged, an easy smile on his face. “Why not try it? Don holds a lot of surprises.” Also, he is going to flip out if he sees someone has done a game of PK, he deserves a little pleasure once in a while, he thought. “Good luck, kids!”

The kids looked at Gladstone going away to whatever business he had. Well, that only left them with an option.

.

“Kids, I’m kinda busy.” He was still repairing the boat, he didn’t know why the thing could just hold it together. All the kids made puppy faces. Donald sighed, it wasn’t fair. “Ok, ok. Give me that. Wait, is that the Duck Avenger?” He seemed to blush but Webby wasn’t so sure.

For a reason unknown to Webby, it was like that simple phrase lighted up something between the boys that she had not seen before. She blinked confused, the air smelled like competition out of nowhere. She looked at Donald and made a simple question. “Who are you going to choose to play, Uncle Donald?”

It seemed like the wrong question when the boys’ aura of competitiveness grew even more. Louie was the first one to attack, trying to be smooth about it. “It is incredible that the Duck Avenger is in a video game and he deserves it because he is super badass, you should choose him, Uncle Donald.”

Huey jumped next, his spirit wasn’t going to submit to the younger and more spoiled brother. “But Gizmoduck is a promising young hero! He has so much room to grow, and he is super smart and heroic and-!”

Dewey, not about to be left behind, jumped too, interrupting his older brother, determined to make his Uncle choose his hero. “But Darkwing Duck is amazing too, he is a great detective and does some pretty sick moves! You should choose him, Uncle Donald!”

Donald tried to calm them down. “Wow, wow. Calm down, boys. Let’s see.” Donald looked at the screen and then nodded. “Ok, I’m choosing Gizmoduck.”

Huey made a pleased cry, his fist in the air. Dewey and Louie looked at him, feeling betrayed. “But Uncle Donald!”

“Well, Huey is right, Gizmoduck is a promising young hero. Darkwing Duck is from another city and he has more experience, and Duck Avenger is retired, so. Anyways, this is just a game, it really doesn’t matter who I choose.”

“Ha! In your faces!” Huey jumped, happily, the winner of the unsaid competition. Dewey and Louie groaned.

“Huey,” Donald warned.

“Sorry, Uncle Donald…”

Webby tried to regain the attention to their actual issue. “Well, let’s play, Uncle Donald!”

Donald lost more times than any other person they asked for, the kids were about to give up until, eventually, he screamed ‘It says this is the last level!’, the kids jumped and hovered around him to see the screen. It was, in fact, the last level. They all felt dread over their bodies. Even Donald was starting to tense over this simple game. He started the level and the kids even felt like they couldn’t breathe. For now, it was going well. He avoided the obstacles even when the kids distracted him with their shouts of ‘be careful!’, ‘no, to the left!’, ‘uuuuugh’ and ‘jump, no, run, no, just walk!’. He was almost getting to the same point that Uncle Gladstone was. He only needed to make a simple jump and not fall into the hole. Simple enough.

He fell. The kids’ spirits fell too. Nobody had ever felt into that hole, it was an easy jump.

“NO!”

“UNCLE DONALD, HOW? WHY DID YOU LOSE LIKE THIS?”

“WHY? WHY? IT WAS A SIMPLE JUMP!”

“UGH, SO CLOOOOOSE.”

“Um, kids, I fell into a secret room.”

All the kids stopped their wailing, confused and asked at the same time. “Secret room?”

In fact, there was a secret room. The kids started to shout again, happy and almost hysterical. Donald kept moving his character until he got to a door. It read ‘FINAL BOSS’. They all gulped. Donald made the character enter the doctor without much thought.

Donald did give the final boss, Negaduck, a fight. It was sad that he lost, anyways.

Donald sighed, mad at himself, feeling the dread of the disappoint he probably left in the kids. “I’m sorry I didn’t win your game, kids. I-”

The kids couldn’t care less, they all hugged him. Donald returned the hug, greatly surprised but confused nonetheless.

Huey was the first one to talk. “Are you kidding? You were the only one that found the secret room, Uncle Donald!”

“Yeah, that was pretty cool!” Dewey followed.

“Especially since not even Uncle Gladstone could. I mean, he didn’t lose, but he didn’t win either. It was weird.”

Donald was even more confused now. “Not even Gladstone?”

Webby smiled and reassured him. “Not even Gladstone. You’re the best, Uncle Donald!”

Donald smiled harder and hugged them harder. The kids just laughed, happily, hugging him in return. Who knew that what they actually needed was some little of bad luck?

[impala-dreamer]

Some Personal Junk...

And why I was so friggin' emotional all weekend. This is really just personal rambling, you can skip it... ;)

Two years ago I was drowning.

I have a good life. I’m married to my best friend who is amazing and supportive and loves me no matter what. He makes me laugh everyday. Does and says things just to see me smile. He’s amazing. I have two boys who are exceptional humans and so smart and handsome and talented and growing into awesome people. I have family close by, I have a home I love, a job that’s pretty sweet.

But within all that are lots of hard things, that I won’t get into, but they wore on me. I was beaten down, tired, losing my mind. And, slowly, I slipped into my own head and it wasn’t good in there. Still isn’t some days. I do/have(?) this thing where I have very vivid daydreams. I don’t really know how to explain it if you don’t experience it (in fact, I’ve only ever met one other person who does it too), but basically, I can get swept up in my head and will literally talk to people who aren’t there, act out scenarios, and at one point, I had an entire alternate life going on. And no, it wasn’t all peaches and cream over there either. There was a lot of angst too. It started to scare me, after a while, because I found myself heading there, not just right before I went to sleep as was usual, but whenever I was alone. Doing laundry, I would be there. Washing dishes, it was around me. Sitting quietly, crocheting, I was in it. It was becoming a lot. So, I decided to write one of the stories down. It became Crazy Love. And, with that, I realized I loved to write. Going back to writing was amazing and I started another story and another and another. And with that, I spent a little less time in my daydreams. It was good.

I don’t know why I turned on Supernatural the first time, but I did. And Bill and I watched the Pilot and half-way through I turned it off. I didn’t like it. Or, rather, it didn’t grab me enough to push me through the rest. So, we went about our business.

Things got really shitty again, and I couldn’t keep it together. And it was a lot outside the house too, issues with close friends who decided to become fuckers and try and ruin things. Anyway, I took it all inside myself and I was losing it. I started doing something occasionally that I found stopped me from crying; just pressing something sharp into my palm, mostly I used a paperclip. It helped. It kept me in the moment, let me focus enough to calm down. After a while it escalated into scratching hard with the edge, and then, a few times, and I’m not proud of this, I used a scissor when the paperclip wasn’t enough. It was getting bad.

Something made me turn Supernatural back on. Maybe I was done with a Lost rerun, maybe the cover art just grabbed me, but I did. And after I watched the pilot, I kept going. And going. It wasn’t truly until ‘Home’ that I realized I was in love. I spent night and day watching until I was done with everything on Netflix. Season 11 was still airing so I was stuck. I found a way to watch them online. I devoured everything. Then came the search for more. I found fanfiction.net and I went the fuck to town. I read everything. EVERYTHING. I fell in love with it all. I waited patiently for my favorite fic to update (I still go back to it, and it is my favorite ever. “Learning to Fly” by badasscompany) a thousand or so chapter Destiel Romance that I will never let go of. I started to write. I thought, writing helped before, let me try something with Dean and Sam. I posted on ff.net. Boy, people actually like this! Cool! I kept going. I stopped with the paperclips.

Then Misha joined Tumblr and I was like “What is this? I’ll go too!” And boy what a mistake. There’s so much more fanfic here and I like the format better! Hurray! Oh, I read everything. I remember first falling in love with Iwantthedean’s “Angeles” series. And then I found torn-and-frayed’s “STPB” and, that was it. I was officially hooked forever. Those two series brought me here and kept me here and I wrote and wrote and wrote. And here we are.

I’m not ashamed to say that my obsession with Supernatural is probably unhealthy. And it’s far from casual. It’s all inclusive. It’s all day, every day. I watch an episode before work every morning and then when I get home, at least one more. I listen to panels when I work out. I watch gag reels when I start feeling bad again. I surround myself with it because it helps. I live and breath it because I cling to it. I need it. I talk to Sam. Everyday. When I’m bored while cooking, I put on music and I do SNS and sing with Rob and Jensen. I really do. (Jensen and I do an amazing duet to Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” it’s awesome. lol) I’m in it. And yes, it’s insane.

But what else I’ve found are friends. Dear, true, honest friends. Sure, fictional characters have brought us together, but we stayed because we like each other. We stay because we can share things and be silly together, and laugh and cry together. These friends I have made because of this show are people that I will love forever. They know who they are, you probably know who most of them are, I’m not going to name everyone. Even the more casual friends I have made, mean so much to me. But there are a few, maybe four or five people, that I will call my friend for the rest of my life. I trust them, and I love them. I was so blessed to meet two of them this weekend and I will always remember the joy of finally being in the same room with them. I’m about to cry thinking about that.

I got very emotional at the convention. Mostly the entire time, but I kept it under wraps for most of it. But, during SNS, I broke down. Jensen came out and the amazement of hearing him sing was a bit too much for me. When they started playing ‘Brother’, I was done for. Him singing that in Vegas is a go-to video for me when I am at my lowest. I also hate it. Because in my mind, no one will ever sing that to me. No one will ever love me enough to want to say those things to me. But this weekend, it meant something else. It reminded me of the love I do have because of this show. It reminded me of the connections I have made, and the reason I was there, at that con, and had maxed out a credit card to be there. Because of friends. And because of this stupid show that has meant so much to me.   

Everyone there was just… happy to be there. Happy to be part of something. The fans were a family, whether we talked to each other or not. This show brought us all together. A thousand people were crammed into a room over a television show. I’ve been to a hundred conventions over the years, I’ve been an active Whovian for a long while, but nothing compared to this. Nothing has ever touched me, and helped me, and moved me in the way that Supernatural and this Fandom have.

What’s the point of this? I don’t know. I think I just needed to explain myself to the people who saw me cry and panic and act a fool all weekend. I feel silly about it, but here we are.

So, am I unnaturally obsessed with Supernatural? Yes. Is it probably a bad thing? Yes. Will I stop? No. I can’t. I don’t want to. I won’t. And personally, I like the disease.

[dabacahin]

Our letters, ourselves

Can’t stop reading bits and pieces from the book I bought last Saturday—Conversations with Myself by Nelson Mandela. His words, his voice and soul, come alive in all their courage and humility in this archive of letters, calendar jottings, unpublished manuscripts, extracts from notebooks and conversations. His greatness is not the result of an absolute certainty that by fighting the good fight we shall all witness peace and justice prevail over cruelty and stupidity. It is in passages where he bares his own contradictions and fears that I find him most inspiring and real. I love that in such a man of will and faith, there’s no denial of that ongoing fight “between the heart and the head, the blood and the brain.” And so, often in solitary confinement, he engages himself and others somewhere between fierce hopes and brutal realities, “even as I scribble these hurried lines.”

This book is of a piece with some of my current preoccupations—books of letters between friends (George Sand & Gustave Flaubert, Elizabeth Bishop & Robert Lowell, Helen Hanff & Frank Doel) and personal archives (Walter Benjamin, Sonya Tolstoy, Marilyn Monroe, Kurt Cobain). Mandela’s letters embody the freedom of a man locked in prison. I think of other great letter-writers whose books of correspondence I have collected, been moved by, been sheltered in—my halfway homes during seasons of distress. I have always been charmed and consoled by these messages from distant times and places, these reproductions of yellowing, brownish, brittle paper, often smudged and crumpled around the edges—these diary pages, hotel stationery, table napkins, spiral notebooks, postcards, tickets, flyers—with typed or handwritten traces of lives, photos and doodles of time passing. These letters of John Cheever, Anton Chekhov, Isak Dinesen, Ansel Adams, Bruce Chatwin, Flannery O’Connor, Claude Monet, Jackson Pollock and family, and so many others. As I wrote here on Tumblr (on July 9, 2012), in my little ode to the Pollock family, “Hurray for people who love letters—those who write them, read them, keep them, share them!”

Like Mandela, like me (yeah, leave it up to me to squeeze myself in this line-up of luminaries), these letter-writers, these diligent archivists of their own lives, have all been locked up in different kinds of prisons. Confined in unhappy marriages or soul-eroding jobs, or in wheelchairs, in illness, or stranded in the limbo of rage or regret, shackled by cultural norms, suffocated by family secrets, financially strapped, spiritually impoverished, intermittently depressed, or reined in by self-hate, self-doubt, or other incarnations and incarcerations of the searching self. Isolated, paralyzed, seemingly beyond reach. Yet all have kept their connection to the world outside their cells, outside their heads, and all have found access to their kinder, braver, wiser selves through letters—as I have often found comfort and solidarity with others and with myself in emails, texts, Tumblr posts, and handwritten notes.

It just occurred to me now, as I ramble on, that many of my most personal and cherished blog posts originated from or are edited versions of letters and emails I’ve sent and received over the years. The one I sent to my grieving uncle. That endless aria to a co-member of an online support group for depressives. That one to a chatmate from Ireland right after the 9/11 tragedy. My 2005 email to a friend who is a funnier, kinder, smarter version of Che Guevara. My 1998 letter to my sister explaining why I was the Meryl Streep of our monastery (or why I was the Isak Dinesen of my deluded brain). The ones I got from K. and N. (my twin “alternative” Valentines in 2013), the note from Father S. that introduced me to Dorothy Day, those totally unexpected messages from a Tumblr follower, a lovely soul from Brazil, who sent me Maggie Nelson’s Bluets. And that unforgettable note from Charles D’Ambrosio about the final letter from his youngest brother Danny. Well, no, that one wasn’t for or from me—but it might as well have been, not only because I’m his brother’s namesake but also because … Oh no, I may have to compose another endless aria to complete that sentence. Let’s just say that some letters that are not addressed to us ultimately become ours to keep, to weep over and live by.

So maybe our letters to others (and the letters we have received or have claimed to be ours) are evolving conversations with ourselves, as the title of Mr. Mandela’s book suggests. Maybe our letters are both windows and mirrors, ways of reaching out and reaching in. Bits and pieces of our stories, our personal archives, fragmented yet whole in their messy incompleteness, repositories worth revisiting and sharing with those who might find their own windows and mirrors in our scraps of thoughts, these hurried lines. Often ineloquent, repetitive, self-absorbed, vulnerable to misinterpretation, ridicule, or indifference, these are—for better or for worse—our letters, ourselves. These are our Carrie Fisher-esque postcards from the edge, our Nora Ephron-ish cosmic questions to the void, sent from laptops and smartphones, or from nowhere, and sometimes sent to no one in particular, but still sent. Sent out, for sometimes it’s our only way to keep ourselves from getting locked in our bubbles and cocoons. Imprisoned for 27 years, Mr. Mandela had to smuggle out many of his letters of love and grief and rage. Two weeks ago, the day after Christmas, I was reading an email from a friend who felt grateful and liberated now that all the “kinda stressful and depressing” merry-making was over. “Yes,” I wrote her back, “we survived Christmas. Aren’t we amazing?” Let’s just hope we learn to appreciate more the freedom we still have to rant, gush, tweet, and tumblr—to write and read these letters of gratitude, solace, and awe.

[life-in-a-labrynth]

Kinda drunk right now but I feel like spilling out my feelings that have built up, I mean why the hell not? I found myself in the nth moment of feeling disturbed and afraid and hugging my elbows just a minute ago. I don’t think I’ll go all into why I’m disturbed but let’s at least give an update, yeah?

Okay so this might be an interesting dynamic but in my last post I was worrying about whether this girl Laura was basic or not. Okay let’s be a little kinder and say, whether we’re compatible. So I finally went on a real goddamn date with her and guess what? she fat. That whole “average weight” thing on okcupid was a sham. She just set her profile up a couple days before she met me (purportedly) too, so okay, guess she’s a liar or in denial. And ya know, sorry to be a hardass about the weight/looks thing, but you know, it’s important to me to be physically attracted to someone, okay? And what does it say that she’s deceitful about that?

In any case, more I wanted to unpack. So now I went on a date and yeah, she fat, and I thought about how we had the phone call and after it was over I felt kinda meh, because it didn’t feel like she stimulated my brain. She talked about this and that and yeah that’s cool and all, but she just didn’t seem to be operating on a high octane teh brain galaxy bullshit that I wanted. And yeah, hate to say it, but Dawn. I remember having a convo with Dawn about Game of Thrones and Martin’s method as a writer and how a character of his had felt ambivalent and even resentful about having a son and it was a good fucking conversation. I didn’t have that with Laura.

Should have gone with my instincts and not second-guessed myself. I wanted to believe that I was just bullshitting myself and this could be something good, can’t I just accept a good thing? Maybe I’m being overly critical, like Dawn was with me.

But eh, nah, not really. Look Dan, you’ll *know* when you feel thunderstruck. Kayla had better convos with you about politics. Laura didn’t even talk about politics, just a bunch of halloween bullshit and serial killers and blah blah and I guess we had some good conversations but it just didn’t stimulate me and make me think like some of the others did.

Like for christ’s sake, look at... I can’t remember her name, but we went for a walk in Wissahickon and I felt like we had really good conversations about racism and maybe I was blowing a lot of fucking hot air about Jonathon Haidt and she probably thought I was an obnoxious, droning goober, but damn it, it felt fulfilling! That girl didn’t feel basic. Maybe I was an obnoxious, droning goober, but I had the opportunity to be, because the conversation organically went to interesting political topics, not some other bullshit about whatever Laura was talking to me about.

And so yeah, it felt pretty decent to talk to Laura for 4 hours on the phone, but it just didn’t fulfill me the way that talking with Lis did, who on our first date, we talked for 6 fucking hours. For the love of god, why did I fuck that up? Ugghh... it was probably the right decision, I shouldn’t let my own loneliness get in the way of things. I shouldn’t regret a decision I made when I wanted so much and tried hard in good faith to make things work with Lis. But it just wasn’t natural. It’s not that I didn’t want it, it’s that it wasn’t working.

Okay, anyway. So I had the date with Laura and the moment I dropped into her car and set eyes on her I thought “oh no, nah, sorry, this ain’t gonna work.” We had a nice date and we chatted and ate french fries and mozzarella sticks and talked about serial killers and whatever other nonsense. I brought up free will on a concept but she didn’t really engage with it, bleh.

So yeah, okay, fine. It’s mean to say, but yeah, sure. Basic. That’s what she is. Good on her for going into nursing and trying really hard at it and getting good grades, though (yeah, she hasn’t even started nursing school yet bleguk lol) but whatever, stop judging you asshole.

Sigh. Okay. Sorry. Let’s get back on track. So I said soiya to her and she was cool with it. I felt kinda bad because I could see she was disappointed when I told her that I didn’t think we had a romantic future together, but she took it fine and said she hoped I found what I’m looking for.

And but so that ended, and I did what I always do and hit up dating websites and probably try way too hard. Hey Dan, try Tawkify, The Elite (or whatever the fuck it’s called) and Hinge next, because at this point it just feels like you’ve exhausted the possibilities on the other sites.

Tinder: no one’s fucking responding, except the one girl who was just a few messages.

OKC: same, except literally no one is responding. Why did they like my profile to begin with??

Bumble: Same exact thing. Matched with 4 women, extended all 4 of them, nothing. Messaged some other girl I had chatted a bit with, nothing. Messaged some other girl who said before she wanted to meet up with things felt “safe-ish”, but truthfully it’s been like 5 months so whatever, that’s fine and makes sense, but all the same, nothing.

idk OKC has always been a pretty good source to meet women but it’s just low, low, low quality these days. Like 14 out of 15 women who like my profile aren’t attractive, let alone that 90% of the rest just sound basic. Probably higher, like 99%. When was the last time that I felt thunderstruck? With Gina. But she was kinda crappy at convo, like she wasn’t even trying.

It’s all so frustrating and disheartening. I feel like there was more I was going to say. About how I became way less forgiving towards Laura after I found out she was fat. I was glad to slip into the conversation, organically, that sometimes people don’t look the way they do in profile pictures. I hope she took that to heart. Don’t put “average” weight in your profile when you’re a good 20 pounds overweight, honey.

Sigh. I’m sorry to be a dick, it’s just annoying. I wouldn’t normally care but she insisted upon chatting for a week before meeting up. Maybe she was apprehensive simply because she was insecure about the way she looked. Hey hon, a week won’t make a fucking difference. You were nice to talk to, but if you’re a heffer, it ain’t happening.

I’m sorry, this is so mean. But god damn it... like that’s the exact reason I told her that meeting face-to-face soon was convenient. I told her that’s the best way to determine whether there’s chemistry. I feel like a dick but I hope she’s learned something from that. Oh well. At least it’s not like with Adrienne, where I was totally god damn into her and she was smart and beautiful and face-to-face was just as wonderful as text messages, and... ghosted!

At least I wasn’t just another asshole who ghosted Laura. I was straightforward. I would never ghost someone, but it’s unusual that at the end of the date, if I’m not feeling it, I’ll outright say it. But Laura told me how important it was that people be honest, so I’m happy to have been able to give that to her, and not chicken out and wait until the next day to text and say I wasn’t feeling it. Or to kid myself into saying “well i just need another day to figure it out lol” when I knew very well that with whatserface (the one where we hung out and drank beer by schyulkill river and then went and got pizza afterwards) where I said “um idk lol  lemme think about it” then texted her the next day to tell her I wasn’t interested.

Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. At least you’re keeping an open mind. Not saying No outright.

Blah, meh, whatever. I think I already said that dumbass Mary finally got back to me to say “omg i’m liek so teh sorryz!!!11 I felt overwhelmed by whatever the fuck and consequently shut down and didn’t look at my phone at all!!!11″ So fucking dumb. You knew I texted you stupid bitch, don’t lie and say “well liek i mean lieko mg i just liek didn’t check my phone and didnt know u texted!!11″

But props to her to admitting that she needs to grow up. That couldn’t have been easy to admit. So I need to have grace with her. She admitted that she didn’t have a good excuse. So I had no reason to eviscerate her. I just said “Sure. Take care.” At least she felt bad. At least she was self-aware. At least she had the strength to come back and apologize and admit that she was wrong. I give her props for that, and so probably shouldn’t be so angry, but whatever, by the time that dumbass texted I was already over it.

Okay and so what now? This is weird but okay fine I’ll admit it. What sparked me to come onto here was because I had a few drinks and I cheated and bought another pouch of tobacco, bad Dan! How are you supposed to git gud at kickboxing if I’m a huffin-and-a-puffin all over the place? But I feel good because I got praise from the guy I partnered with at muay thai and I think I did a good job with him, and my knee-throwing is getting better! Hurray for me!

Okay and but so sorry, so the reason I came here was because I was drinking and smoking and watching Jonathon Haidt and Malcolm Gladwell and the roundtable was fantastic and then I started drinking and I was talking to this cunt on tinder who decided to stop messaging back after literally two messages (I fucking hate people), then I got sad and insecure and watched a couple episodes of Cowboy Bebop (almost done with the series)

Sorry to ramble on and fucking itemize everything I did this night, it’s so trivial and tedious to the reader but whatever, I don’t care. So I did all that and was feeling tired and decided to go back up to bed and thought of my shaven testicles and maybe fondled them without realizing it or maybe I just got horny, whatever

So then I came upstair sand I was going to masturbate and a common thought came to me and it’s been stronger lately, where I get scared. I’m scared about what I masturbate to. And even though it’s never really happened... I mean, not really... I don’t think? But I became afraid that I’ll become too addicted to what I masturbate to and won’t be able to have a meaningful sexual relaitonship when I do eventulaly get into a romantic relationship.

I don’t want to get hooked on certain sexual thoughts and have to use them when I’m doing the deed. Like I don’t want to have to be sleeping with a woman and start fantasizing about something else to achieve orgasm. This is scummy, but I don’t want to have to be getting my dick sucked by some smart and interesting and sorta cute but fat girl and be fantasizing about how she’s only doing it because she wants me to like her, like we’re on a date, first date, and she’s sucking my dick and it feels amazing but to push myself over the edge I had to give a voice to her thoughts

And the voice is “okay, this guy is really hot, I want him to like me, first impressions and all, I need to suck his dick really good. I don’t particularly like it, but you gotta do what you gotta do.”

RIGHT NOW. I’M GETTING A BONER RIGHT NOW AS I THINK OF IT. Then part of me wishes I saved her pictures so I could look at them again and remember her and think about her sucking my dick and get off on how maybe.. I mean probably not but what if that’s what was really going through her mind?

She was really sex-positive and communicative and awesome, and I was giving, and it seems like I mean she obviously enjoyed it when I licked her pussy and got her off, and it was kind aweird becaus eshe said that she came and the first time I didn’t beilev eher because it seemed really low intensity, almost an afterthought, “yeah I came”, and I jsut figured “well I guess she wasn’t that into it and didn’t want to keep at it, or maybe she was insecure, or this or that, but this whole ‘i came’ thing is a lie, she just wanted to move on and spare my ego.”

But then we went at it again the second date and she supposedly came twice and this time I outright said “are you sure?” and she kinda chuckled and she said “yeah, I think I’d know”, and so I believed her, she seemed sincere. Micro-orgasm, maybe, or maybe she’s just not super reactive/performative/exaggerated about her orgasms, I mean that’s prefectly possible, it was just weird, like I just had this powerful and irrefutable notion that she was faking

Wahtever, I don’t kven know why I’m still talking aoubt it. This all started beacuse I said that I felt bad about the things I masturbat eto. I think maybe I was molested. I think maybe I nede to see a sex therapist and it’s really strange and I don’t know. So and then like maybe I need to um like I don’t know but so maybe I can hit up Collette and se eif she has any colleagus I can talk to.

idk man but I had fantasiez about me seeing Collette and her giving me “sex therapy” and tehy were super sexy at the time, kinda sad and disappointed that those powerful fantasies didn’t last, the way that the ones with Lis do, they just keep coming, she’s the second fucking sexual partner I’ve had where I’ll consturuct all these elaborate fantasies about nonconsensual sex (or barely-consensual, no pun intended) and write literally dozens of pages about all these situations they get into about being humiliated and degraded, these sexcapades where they don’t want to be slutting themselves out and sucking all this dick but they hav eno choice because they’nve being blackmalied

God I’m such a fucked up person. I know I Shouldn’t be ashamed of nfantazies, isn’t that a truism now? No kick-shaming? lol kink-smaming. DAMN IT .Kink. Shaming. So anyway, yeah, I know, that’s the montra, and I know that people will know that but not take it to heart beacuse a lot o people are ashamed of their sexual fantasies. There are even women who hav fentasies about non-consensual sex and forced gang-bangs and shit like that, thank you to kink.com for showcasing some of these porn actresses who rae getting interviewed and telling their fantasies.

Hey bruh it don’t make no difference whether the scene I see is also their fantasie, not in particular, but knowing that some women fantasize about such evil, rapey things also exist and make me feel less bad about degrading women in my own fantasies.

Things are really strange and I love porn and porn star sand they’re super sexy and I shouldn’t be masturbating so much to them lmao literally I hav eno idea what i’m even talknig about anmyroe ,my mind just keeps gkinda going to lunch, I mean I Don’t think I’m more drunk than I was when I started this entry? Just giving less a fuck, but definitely more tired, I def feel tired now, I feel strange and sad and I want s’ much to fucking meet the love of my life but I can’t do it but whatever. I’ll probably beat off about Jackie (hell Dan write a story about her!) but maybe and maybe not but I’m just really fucking tired.

Goodnight.

[lateramblings-blog]

A New Beginning

It’s almost 3 o’clock in the morning and here I am typing this post as I am making a stupid new beginning ramble.

I couldn’t sleep. There are just way too many things going on in my head. As much as I wanted to write on a paper with a pen, I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. It’s not safe for someone who lives in a place where privacy isn’t an issue. I wanted a place where I can openly talk about my stupid life and crazy thoughts, without being judged.

Moreover, it’s quite easier to write stuff using a laptop or a phone and check whatever bullshit I wrote on the internet. Just by simply typing this post, my mind’s slowly throwing trashes that’s been dumped for quite some time now.

Hurray.