#humans are wierd

[bob-frank451]

Hey, so I had the rough draft written a month ago, but school and papers delayed publishing til now, so

Well

Enjoy!

Humans Are Weird : Throwing, Part 2

    Archivists note to the reader: It seems you are viewing this item in the human language English. For this reason names have been transliterated, units have been converted, and the content has been ontologically translated. Apologies for any inconsistencies.

    The volatus was immediately swamped with sensation and cacophony. Everywhere he looked there were vast oceans of vendors, yelling in a fruitless attempt to be heard over the hubbub, attempting to sell their wares. Food, art, technology, ideas… if the mind of any sapient race could imagine it, it was for sale.

    Volati are fabulous information processors, if the information is presented orderly. With this chaos, however, almost any volatus would be utterly overwhelmed, as he was now. The human tapped him gently for attention. It was a normal gesture, even outside human circles, one of those universal solutions to universal problems, like two plus two equaling four, or using spears to stab your enemy.

    The human bent down and whispered into his ear, pointing at a couple of goem.

    “Look”

    “They look normal.”

    “My gut doesn’t like them.”

    The volatus paused, confused.

    “Your what?”

    “Intuition, Instinct”

    “Oh”

    He thought briefly. Human instinct was quickly becoming a topic of rabid interest in the Galactic Assembly’s scientific community. Some part of the way they were wired could pick up small cues better than almost any other race. Given this information this situation might develop into something much less innocuous.

    “Can you pick up anything?” his friend asked.

    The volatus allowed his brain to start processing the thaumaturgic signals in the surrounding area, wincing at the noise. Too many people, too many thinking beings. Too much interference, as it turned out. He couldn’t pick up anything useful.

    The tiny human yanked her fathers hair, pointing towards a vendor of trinkets. The group moved easily to the front of the small store, and the biologist lifted the girl down off his massive shoulders, and set her down in front of the booth. She immediately shrieked with delight, and grabbed two fistfuls of shiny rocks in her pudgy toddler hands.

    Toddler, one who toddles. Good word.

    The humans were talking. The vendor had approached the woman, and had launched into an elaborate sales pitch. The longer human had slowly placed himself between the vendor and his child. The child’s mother watched the vendor with dark, almost back, glittering eyes. The volatus could hear her heart and the signals given off by her neural circuitry. Both were speeding up.

    The child moved along the stall, wreaking havoc on the carefully organised displays as she went, oblivious to the growing tension.

    The vendor was talking, faster and faster. The volatus, acclimatised after years spent with these humans, could read the suspicion on their faces. The vendor, apparently, could not. Suddenly, his friend spun. Some deep spark of intuition programmed deep into his brain had understood the situation. The volatus turned, following suit, and froze with horror.

    One of the goem from earlier held a gun levelly and directly at the larger human’s centre of mass. He stood very still. The hum of his brain grew, until the volatus’s mind was nearly deafened.

    Far worse, however, was the other goem. He had snatched the humans’ child, and was slowly backing away. The volatus glanced at his friend's face, and saw the worst thing he had ever seen.

    The human looked desperate.

    The volatus felt fear shutting down his own mind, system by system. The child was lost, no doubt about that. The humans would probably be killed,  and then they would kill him too.

    No!

    no…

    please no.

    He almost missed it. One moment the goem was holding a gun and smirking, pride nearly dripping off his bulky features. The next he was gripping the souvenir knife that had appeared in his midriff, face awash with what the volatus’ astute mind identified as shock. In that fraction of a second the volatus analysed the actions and events, and saw what had happened. The child’s mother, unobserved, had grabbed the knife, and thrown it, THROWN IT, perfectly into the attackers torso.

    In a flash the big human went for the goem’s gun, but the electronic weapon refused to unlock for his biometrics, and he dropped it in disgust.

    The other goem was running now, which in another context would be hilarious. Goem are not made to run. But this goem  was dragging the human child.

    The big human cast around in desperation, before grabbing a shiny hunk of tungsten-carbide from the rock selection. Rock indeed, the volatus thought wryly. The human’s eyes snapped to the retreating goem, both eyes, binocular vision, the volatus noted. Despite his fear, the volatus could not help but focus on the human.

    The human raised the tungsten-carbide behind his head, and threw his body forward. In a flash the volatus finally understood the bizarre anatomy of the human arm. The muscle and bone placement, the tendons. A human’s arm, he realised with amazement and awe, is a trebuchet.

    The tungsten carbide left his hand in a perfect ark. Almost perfect. It was going to miss, just a little too far to the left.

    The goem saw the throw, and jumped away from the girl, a little too far to the left. The human had anticipated the doge, the volatus realised. The apparent imperfection had in fact been an adjustment which doomed the goem as soon as he jumped.

    The volatus turned away the moment it struck. He didn’t want to see the death. The tall human ran to the girl, and swooped her up in his arms. He passed her off to his wife, grabbed the volatus, and set off at a jog away from the mall. Even as he bounced undignified under the human’s arm, the volatus marveld. Each stride was easily a metre, perhaps more.

Four minutes later the adrenaline finally ran out and left the humans' system abruptly. The larger human set the volatus down, and bent over the edge of the path, retching. His partner wasn’t much better. She set her daughter down, and heaved miserably. Adrenaline always has a price.

    An hour later the group sat on some form of public transportation, shell shocked The biologist sat, one arm wrapped around his sleeping daughter, cuddled peacefully on his lap. The other arm was wrapped around his wife, curled against him. The volatus sat between the humans and the wall. He felt safe, guarded by titans.

The authorities would investigate the two deaths, but the security footage, and the recent crackdown on the trafficking of people would guarantee that there would be little retaliation.

    There would of course be a resurgence of the “deathworlders are monsters” narrative, but the volatus knew better. Humans are loyal, and their bonds go very deep.

    The volatus glanced at his friends. They look traumatised.  Their minds sat empty, aside from a thick blanket of horror.

    He checked his mobile device telepathically. His person had got back to him. He bumped the larger human. No response. He pushed harder. The human turned, slowly, as if through syrup. The volatus spoke.

    “They didn't die”

    The human looked at him with no comprehension on his face. The volatus tried again.

    “The two goem. They were recovered and stabilised. You didn’t kill anyone.”

    Both humans were staring at him now, eyes wide. The volatus suddenly felt very self conscious. 

    “They lived?”

    “Yes”

    “Oh thank you God.”

    The volatus checked his device again. More data.

    “They are in the hospital right now, but once they recover they will be shipped off world for investigation. Apparently this is a part of something much larger.”

    The smaller human looked at him. She took a moment to speak, as if carefully considering her words. She looked at her daughter for a long moment, and then back at the volatus.

    “So we are safe then?”

    The volatus did the human nod again.

    “I think we should be.”

    No, the humans weren’t monsters.

    Just good friends.

Ao3 Discord

[earthling-writer]

Isn't it a little crazy how you can get a heart attack from strong emotions?

Heart attacks are very deadly, why would they be connected to... emotions?

Of course emotions can trigger strong psychological reactions, that eventually trigger physical reactions as well (unfortunately)

But to the point that you risk having a deadly heart attack???

(this is now a humans are space orcs prompt)

���——––-

Alien (a friend of the doc): what was the cause of his recent hospitalization?

Human doc: a heart attack, depending on the situation, the gravity of it, and other factors there are chances of survival

Alien: so a heart attack is deadly?

Human: not necessarily if hospitalised, especially with recent technologies, but it can be if action isn't taken imminently, we have CPR for a reason

Alien: is it a common assurance?

Human: more common than most people think, it can happen to anyone for many reasons: coronary artery disease causes most heart attacks, but also coronary artery spasm, certain infections, Spontaneous coronary artery dissection, also science suggests that certain psychosocial factors, such as grief, depression, stress, and job loss, contribute to heart attack and cardiac arrest

Alien: that's terrible, i am really sorry for what your species has to go throu- HOLD ON did you just say grief?? Isn't that an emotion??

Human: like i just elenched heart attacks can be caused by strong emotions

Alien:... And that doesn't freak you out?

Human: i just said it's a common occurrence, especially if you work in a hospital.

Alien: what's the connection between psychic and literary one of yours, if not the most important vital organ?

Human: weeeeeeeell to explain it quickly: emotional stress causes a negative chain reaction in your body which makes it release stress hormones, to prepare you for upcoming stress

Alien, whispering: oh course you got stress hormones...

Human: they cause your heart to beat more rapidly and your blood vessels to narrow to help push blood to the center of the body. After the stress subsides, the blood pressure and heart rate should return to normal. If continually stressed out though, the body doesn't have a chance to recover. This may lead to damage of the artery walls. Don't you guys have connections between mental health and body health?

Alien: of course we do, the curse of your brain to make your brain malfunction if the mental health isn't kept at good levels is something spread to all beings with such organ unfortunately.

Human:.... Do

Alien: don't

Human: jellyfish..

Alien: i need you to stop you right there

Human: ..even need mental health?

Alien: THIS IS OUTSIDE YOUR SHIELD OF STUDY YOU KNOW THIS WILL BRING YOU TO A LOOPHOLE OF QUESTIONS

Human: they shouldn't since they don't have a brain....

Alien: i am begging you to stop

[agressiveart]

My tooth is twitching, on a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be?

[doritodemon13]

What’s it like in the Theraprism?

What can I say…

They forced wanted me to wear some stupid orange suit with my name on it. :(

(Orange isn't even my colour)

They also banned me from the only activity that I enjoyed.

(I only painted me torturing the pines family three times, and the other two were drawings of me killing Stanley)

So, I had to switch to group therapy circle…

Which means I'm sitting in a circle with a bunch of idiots.

(Note to self: get yourself banned from that and go to solo yoga)

That's why I started this Blog

(because the axolotl said it would help)

☝️I'm also doing this in my room when I'm bored

(It helps more than the stupid group therapy circle)

At least I have my stanford plush :)

(The only great thing here beside my blog)

[seraphichana]

Omg we are the Shoemakers Elves. Amazing.

Humans entering space and realizing we are so small. We are mice compared to these giant races with their advanced machinery and technologies and experiences beyond us- except that we're humans. And our engineers dive into the new tech and once we learn the principles we also soon realize how Inefficient everything is. Their "microchips" are the size of cars, their storage drives are basically buildings, and they somehow store less data than ours. So, human companies take advantage, and tech starts rolling out. Massive and there's a lot of wasted space so that it can be managed with larger hands/pincers/claws/tentacles, but also so much more efficient than anything the galaxy has seen before.

Human technicians start hopping ships and upkeeping the general maintenance, the stuff that most aliens put off or don't notice because they never access the crevices of their ships. As human companies become more popular and lead the tech world in everything from warp cores to game stations ("it's so compact! How are the graphics so good?" Says a 60' tall grimbleback, holding a new VR headset that has all of its components included because it's so BIG by our tech standards), soon many things have accessibility ports for humans to be able to use as well. This means that these shiprats hoping ship to ship cause such a huge improvement in everything running smoothly, and there's a huge downtick in pests on ships because those "pests" are not only big enough and aggressive enough to bite a pitbull or a person in half, they're invasive to so many planets and humans hate nothing more than dog killing planet overrunning monsters.

All the while, from the Aliens perspective, humans are an elusive race that don't fraternize much with them. You almost never see a human as most places aren't exactly safe for the little things to run around in. They do export so much stuff though, and the custodial staff at the Central Galactic Outpost insists that there's more humans around than any other race if you just know where to look.

And sure it's somewhat known that some of the little daredevils hop ships and help out in exchange for room and board, usually without permission, but that can't be that common, can it?

Maybe your ship is running better this cycle ever since you stopped at the last station, that just means that tuneup was better than you thought. And maybe for some reason that program you were working on last night is finished when you wake up, but you're so tired maybe you finished it before you passed out. Somehow that faulty light in the galley has fixed itself as well, which is odd, but maybe the Engineer finally got to it. You'd know if there was someone else on your ship.

Right?

... You leave a little bowl of berries out as a thank you, just in case. You're not sure what humans like but you've heard they have a sweet tooth.

[hitlersmanifesto]

yet another entirely hypothetical question

if I were to in theory be a skin walker posing as a human, what do you think would give me away? like, if I drink the hydrochloric acid, per se. or maybe forget to blink/breathe? (I do this a lot but I’m definitely a totally real normal human person)

and is it a turn off if I unhinge my jaw like a snake to eat an apple?

Asking for a friend here. Hypothetically, of course.

[eldritch-abomination-kill-me]

HUMANS ARE WEIRD:

So, what if aliens came to earth or humans are on alien spaceships. The aliens find out about how loud human voices get get in both volume and pitch. They ask the humans if they are able to break anything with their voices alone and the humans get excited and are all like:

"yeah!! We can shatter glass with our voice if it's the right pitch! We can even 'see' sound waves if it's loud enough!"

And the aliens are like:

"Sorry. See? Sound?? What can't you do!!! Y'all must be the loudest on your planet."

And the humans are just like:

"loudest? Oh no. That title goes to the sperm whale. Ya know! The sperm Whale can vibrate a human to death because they are so loud? Even at half the volume of a sperm whale's clicking is capable of making a human go deaf!"

And the aliens just sit there like

".......... WHAT!!!"

[huntersulamaka]

What if humans are the only species that have existential crises? A lot of humans need a purpose, a reason to exist and keep going. That is part of the reason humans have a long history of worshipping different gods. We've always had a habit of looking for something bigger than us. A higher power, a god, there are countless theories out there, one of which is the idea that we live in a simulation.

What if other species don't need a reason? What if they don't think about what we call the 'questions of life'? What if they never questioned existence or their purpose? We have had philosophers going back as far as the 6th century BCE in ancient Greece. We have a name for people that think.

[catophile]

a wierdo artwork for wierdos cat lovers

do you like it wanna gift it as shirt or stickers to a weirdo? here is the merch link

[zoxais]

[makemake1002]

I would appreciate it if gynecologists would stop telling me that I’m depressed. I don’t need the people looking at my cavern walls to then do a 180 and say “let’s talk about your depression,” as if I don’t already know that I’m depressed.

[bob-frank451]

Humans are Weird: Pineapple

    The volatus knocked on the door. He had been invited for supper by the human family. This in and of itself was not special. One of the universal languages of affection and relationships is the sharing of food, and although the families three meal rythm differed from his own five meal rythm, they had shared many meals together over the last three years. 

    One problem associated with moving to a whole new culture thay is not immediately obvious is the complete loss of all the food one is accustomed to. The humans had searched the available foodstuffs, and as omnivors, most were edible for them, although they missed their native food from Earth dearly.

     Today was special because within the last month the GA had finished indexing Earth's various foods, and publishing which ones were edible or safe for each of the GA's constituent races. The human family had anxiously awaited the completion of the index and had decided to cook an Earth meal for their friend.

    The first shipment had arrived yesterday afternoon, had become available for purchase early in the morning today, and was, judging by the aroma wafting from the human's house, in part currently cooking in their kitchen.

    The door swung open slowly and jerkily, almost as if a toddler was opening it. The volatus drifted into the house, peered behind the door, and saw the human's three-year-old daughter beaming up at him with a grin filled with sharp, white teeth. Extremely cute.

    "Zinzin!"

    A nickname that had stuck. The tiny human hadn't been able to pronounced his actual name, and instead the whole family had adopted the pet name. There was a burst of neural activity nearby, and Zinzin turned.

    In the door between the "living" room and the kitchen stood his friend. The mountain of a man glanced at him, eyes filled with a mixture of affection, and a sharp wit and humour that made him a safe, reliable friend, or a formidable enemy.

    "Welcome here Zinzin."

    "Thank you."

    The Volatus sampled the air, delicate nose analyzing the complex scents. There were the normals; CO², human proteins, the waft of degrading vegetables from the garbage, a selection of detergents, especially Squalus, and disinfectants, and the smell of new materials off-gassing.

    Overpowering all of these were the smells drifting from the kitchen. Starches, eggs, lactates. Several more potent smells filled the house. At least two fragrances. The traces of alcohol in the scent indicated a potential extract. Underpinning the various fragrances was a beautiful mixture of alien fruit. It was intoxicating.

    

    His friend was watching him, grin so wide he looked like his daughter's drawing. Zinzin suddenly felt quite awkward. He looked up at his friend, and tried to deflect the attention.

    "What's for supper?"

    His friend lost it. Waves of laughter exploded from him. He leaned against the doorframe, and collected himself.

    "You're the one with the fabulous nose, you tell me."

    Zinzin though for a moment.

    "Well, there is starch, egg, and milk, a lot of milk, so I suppose a batter of some kind."

    The human nodded.

    "Alkaloids and acids, so the batter foams, something fluffy?"

    "Hopefully"

    The human's wife joined them, and jabbed her husband in the ribs playfully.

    "My waffles are going to be just fine, thank-you"

    

    More laughter followed, light and easy. Each person wanted to show their guest something. There followed a delightful quarter hour of slightly hungry amusement before Zinzin found himself "sitting", as much as volati ever sit, at the table in the kitchen.

    Flop! An intriguing circular object flopped lightly onto his plate. A soft, fluffy object, almost certainly the product of the aforementioned batter. The top was a lattice of divots and ridges he rather thought would be very good for contained sauces.

    In front of him the table was covered with a variety of shapes, colours, and smells. There was an abundance of various plates and platters filled with fruit whose shapes and colours resembled nothing he had ever seen before. This whole meal had apparently been a full day project for the entire family.

    His friend bent his head down, and closed his eyes, followed closely by the rest of the family. Zinzin, familiar with the custom from the last three years, followed suit so smoothly that if you did not notice the race of the volatus you would swear he was on of the human family.

    His friend spoke, thanking the One who saved him for the day, his family, their guest, and the food.

    Then they ate. If one has ever seen a human eat one never forgets it. They eat with an intensity and focus that reminds an observer that these broad spectrum omnivores are only slightly removed from obligate carnivores, and the world they were designed for was not always so kind as it is now.

    The volatus hardly noticed any of this. Three years had acclimated him to his new friends, and so at this point the only thought in his mind was the spread before him unlike anything he had ever seen.

    The waffles were completely safe for him to eat, they were just bread after all. A large collection of fruits and vegetables were also deemed harmless. His world filled with the most beautiful tastes and smells, mixed with a deep intuitive grasp of the chemical composition that would make a human foody envious, and any botanist or chemist reflect sadly on their own constricted umwelt.

    Not all of the food laid on the table was safe for a volatus. He gestured to a red bowl (the result of careful colour coding). His hostess answered the question before he asked it, an impressive feat for a race without telepathy.

    "Oranges"

    Zinzin wrinkled his nose in frustration. 

    "I can see that, what are they?"

    She laughed, a light, carrying laugh that made the room brighter, before explaining.

    "The fruit is literally called an orange. That's one of the oldest jokes in the book."

    He opened his mouth to ask another question, but was once more anticipated.

    "The fruit came first."

    It was uncanny.

    "Are they safe for me to eat?"

    "The flesh has oils that will irritate your skin and cause your fur to fall out, but the flesh should be safe.

    He husband reached for an orange.

     "Mind if I?"

    The volatus watched the orange intently. It was very orange. He did the human nod.

    It was sour, very sour, and very sweet. Refreshing.

    Next he tried a raspberry. He couldn't risk too many because of the xylitol. The mangoes and pears were safe, aside from the cyanide laced seeds. Typical deathworlder fruit. The grapes he could not eat without organ failure.

    Finally he came to the vary last fruit deemed non poisonous for a volatus, the pineapple. The volatus took a tiny piece, and ate it. It was sour, but not unbearable so. It was sweet, and so fragrant. He basked in the smell for a beautiful moment.

    Then the burning started. There was a war in his mouth! The fruit was chemically attacking him! His friend had been watching, and now handed him a glass of water.

    Zinzin drank, washing away the malevolent fruit and it's influence.

    Then the volatus sat and pondered the remains of the battlefield in his mouth. Enzymes. The damaged and inflammed cells of his mouth must have been attacked by some sort of enzyme.

    "Enzymes?"

    His friend nodded, before speaking.

    "Not just enzymes."

    The human stood up and made his way to an object sitting on a shelf, setting it before the volatus. Zinzin stared at it intently. Lenses and mirrors... It was some sort of primitive microscope! Of course a biologist would have a microscope! Zinzin gingerly picked up a piece of pineapple, and analyzed the microscope. He gently pulled out the glass slide, and rubbed the pineapple on it. He focused the instrument. 

    The humans waited quietly, except for the toddler, who was busy coating her surroundings with syrup.

    

    Volatus do not, as a rule, use exclamations. They are very rarely surprised, which is why Zinzin did not know how to react to what he saw. Thousands of sharp spikes drifted about in the fluid.

    His friend helpfully filled the silence.

    "Calcium Oxalate needles."

    "What?"

    "The needles create thousands of micro lacerations, and the brometin enzyme enters through the cuts, and starts digesting your cells."

    Zinzin thought for a moment.

     "I suppose the acid doesn't help either"

    The volatus sat, as much as volatus ever really sit, and allowed himself to bask in the light conversation, and watched, with little surprise, as the humans ate pinapple until their mouths were raw.

Only Deathworlders

Ao3 Discord

[thekinghermagesty]

a little thing i actually love about humanity is how ppl will have the goofiest usernames and personalities and then say some heartfelt philosophical type shit, like damn applejuicetitties that shit was deep thank u bro

[authorbettyadams]

Dangers of a Big Red Button - Humans are Weird - Short, Absurd, Science Fiction Story Collection

#scifi #book #story #aliens #HFY

Amazon

Dangers of a Big Red Button - Humans are Weird - Short, Absurd, Science Fiction Story Collection

#scifi #book #story #aliens #HFY

[doritodemon13]

You're right, we did have fun, but that is all in the past. Just so you know – something you should have forgotten by now.

Also STALKING MY FAMILY???? WHAT?

Oh, dont be silly, sixer.

I'm definitely not the only one here who wants to go back to our chess games in the dreamscape and how you may call it our "partnership."

Sure, I wasn't nice to your assistant and haunted him in his sleep with nightmares till he left…

(Hahahaha, but it was totally worth it)

don't you remember karaoke night?

Did it mean nothing to you?

(I don't remember a lot of it, but the parts I remember were great)

We were so happy there…

…Why should I forget that?

And about the stalking your family situation…

(I would recommend that you look after Stanley, I mean, you don't want something bad happening to him… right Stanford?)

[hitlersmanifesto]

I will sink my claws into anyone who shows me the smallest meager scrap of affection and declare them my friend.

this goes out to literally anyone who has interacted with me on this website. I LIVE IN YOUR WALLS