#humans are wierd

[doritodemon13]

What’s it like in the Theraprism?

What can I say…

They forced wanted me to wear some stupid orange suit with my name on it. :(

(Orange isn't even my colour)

They also banned me from the only activity that I enjoyed.

(I only painted me torturing the pines family three times, and the other two were drawings of me killing Stanley)

So, I had to switch to group therapy circle…

Which means I'm sitting in a circle with a bunch of idiots.

(Note to self: get yourself banned from that and go to solo yoga)

That's why I started this Blog

(because the axolotl said it would help)

☝️I'm also doing this in my room when I'm bored

(It helps more than the stupid group therapy circle)

At least I have my stanford plush :)

(The only great thing here beside my blog)

[just-stalking-posts-for-the-lols]

HUMANS ARE WEIRD:

So, what if aliens came to earth or humans are on alien spaceships. The aliens find out about how loud human voices get get in both volume and pitch. They ask the humans if they are able to break anything with their voices alone and the humans get excited and are all like:

"yeah!! We can shatter glass with our voice if it's the right pitch! We can even 'see' sound waves if it's loud enough!"

And the aliens are like:

"Sorry. See? Sound?? What can't you do!!! Y'all must be the loudest on your planet."

And the humans are just like:

"loudest? Oh no. That title goes to the sperm whale. Ya know! The sperm Whale can vibrate a human to death because they are so loud? Even at half the volume of a sperm whale's clicking is capable of making a human go deaf!"

And the aliens just sit there like

".......... WHAT!!!"

[spacexchaos]

Alien: human… why do you have a small predator in your home?

Human: predator?? Oh you mean Mr. Fluffy Buns? that’s my pet cat!

Alien: your pet?? you willingly keep this predator?

Human: oh he’s just a baby! Look at my baby!

Mr. Fluffy Buns: meow 👁️👁️

Alien: *sweating*

[bob-frank451]

Humans are Weird: Pineapple

    The volatus knocked on the door. He had been invited for supper by the human family. This in and of itself was not special. One of the universal languages of affection and relationships is the sharing of food, and although the families three meal rythm differed from his own five meal rythm, they had shared many meals together over the last three years. 

    One problem associated with moving to a whole new culture thay is not immediately obvious is the complete loss of all the food one is accustomed to. The humans had searched the available foodstuffs, and as omnivors, most were edible for them, although they missed their native food from Earth dearly.

     Today was special because within the last month the GA had finished indexing Earth's various foods, and publishing which ones were edible or safe for each of the GA's constituent races. The human family had anxiously awaited the completion of the index and had decided to cook an Earth meal for their friend.

    The first shipment had arrived yesterday afternoon, had become available for purchase early in the morning today, and was, judging by the aroma wafting from the human's house, in part currently cooking in their kitchen.

    The door swung open slowly and jerkily, almost as if a toddler was opening it. The volatus drifted into the house, peered behind the door, and saw the human's three-year-old daughter beaming up at him with a grin filled with sharp, white teeth. Extremely cute.

    "Zinzin!"

    A nickname that had stuck. The tiny human hadn't been able to pronounced his actual name, and instead the whole family had adopted the pet name. There was a burst of neural activity nearby, and Zinzin turned.

    In the door between the "living" room and the kitchen stood his friend. The mountain of a man glanced at him, eyes filled with a mixture of affection, and a sharp wit and humour that made him a safe, reliable friend, or a formidable enemy.

    "Welcome here Zinzin."

    "Thank you."

    The Volatus sampled the air, delicate nose analyzing the complex scents. There were the normals; CO², human proteins, the waft of degrading vegetables from the garbage, a selection of detergents, especially Squalus, and disinfectants, and the smell of new materials off-gassing.

    Overpowering all of these were the smells drifting from the kitchen. Starches, eggs, lactates. Several more potent smells filled the house. At least two fragrances. The traces of alcohol in the scent indicated a potential extract. Underpinning the various fragrances was a beautiful mixture of alien fruit. It was intoxicating.

    

    His friend was watching him, grin so wide he looked like his daughter's drawing. Zinzin suddenly felt quite awkward. He looked up at his friend, and tried to deflect the attention.

    "What's for supper?"

    His friend lost it. Waves of laughter exploded from him. He leaned against the doorframe, and collected himself.

    "You're the one with the fabulous nose, you tell me."

    Zinzin though for a moment.

    "Well, there is starch, egg, and milk, a lot of milk, so I suppose a batter of some kind."

    The human nodded.

    "Alkaloids and acids, so the batter foams, something fluffy?"

    "Hopefully"

    The human's wife joined them, and jabbed her husband in the ribs playfully.

    "My waffles are going to be just fine, thank-you"

    

    More laughter followed, light and easy. Each person wanted to show their guest something. There followed a delightful quarter hour of slightly hungry amusement before Zinzin found himself "sitting", as much as volati ever sit, at the table in the kitchen.

    Flop! An intriguing circular object flopped lightly onto his plate. A soft, fluffy object, almost certainly the product of the aforementioned batter. The top was a lattice of divots and ridges he rather thought would be very good for contained sauces.

    In front of him the table was covered with a variety of shapes, colours, and smells. There was an abundance of various plates and platters filled with fruit whose shapes and colours resembled nothing he had ever seen before. This whole meal had apparently been a full day project for the entire family.

    His friend bent his head down, and closed his eyes, followed closely by the rest of the family. Zinzin, familiar with the custom from the last three years, followed suit so smoothly that if you did not notice the race of the volatus you would swear he was on of the human family.

    His friend spoke, thanking the One who saved him for the day, his family, their guest, and the food.

    Then they ate. If one has ever seen a human eat one never forgets it. They eat with an intensity and focus that reminds an observer that these broad spectrum omnivores are only slightly removed from obligate carnivores, and the world they were designed for was not always so kind as it is now.

    The volatus hardly noticed any of this. Three years had acclimated him to his new friends, and so at this point the only thought in his mind was the spread before him unlike anything he had ever seen.

    The waffles were completely safe for him to eat, they were just bread after all. A large collection of fruits and vegetables were also deemed harmless. His world filled with the most beautiful tastes and smells, mixed with a deep intuitive grasp of the chemical composition that would make a human foody envious, and any botanist or chemist reflect sadly on their own constricted umwelt.

    Not all of the food laid on the table was safe for a volatus. He gestured to a red bowl (the result of careful colour coding). His hostess answered the question before he asked it, an impressive feat for a race without telepathy.

    "Oranges"

    Zinzin wrinkled his nose in frustration. 

    "I can see that, what are they?"

    She laughed, a light, carrying laugh that made the room brighter, before explaining.

    "The fruit is literally called an orange. That's one of the oldest jokes in the book."

    He opened his mouth to ask another question, but was once more anticipated.

    "The fruit came first."

    It was uncanny.

    "Are they safe for me to eat?"

    "The flesh has oils that will irritate your skin and cause your fur to fall out, but the flesh should be safe.

    He husband reached for an orange.

     "Mind if I?"

    The volatus watched the orange intently. It was very orange. He did the human nod.

    It was sour, very sour, and very sweet. Refreshing.

    Next he tried a raspberry. He couldn't risk too many because of the xylitol. The mangoes and pears were safe, aside from the cyanide laced seeds. Typical deathworlder fruit. The grapes he could not eat without organ failure.

    Finally he came to the vary last fruit deemed non poisonous for a volatus, the pineapple. The volatus took a tiny piece, and ate it. It was sour, but not unbearable so. It was sweet, and so fragrant. He basked in the smell for a beautiful moment.

    Then the burning started. There was a war in his mouth! The fruit was chemically attacking him! His friend had been watching, and now handed him a glass of water.

    Zinzin drank, washing away the malevolent fruit and it's influence.

    Then the volatus sat and pondered the remains of the battlefield in his mouth. Enzymes. The damaged and inflammed cells of his mouth must have been attacked by some sort of enzyme.

    "Enzymes?"

    His friend nodded, before speaking.

    "Not just enzymes."

    The human stood up and made his way to an object sitting on a shelf, setting it before the volatus. Zinzin stared at it intently. Lenses and mirrors... It was some sort of primitive microscope! Of course a biologist would have a microscope! Zinzin gingerly picked up a piece of pineapple, and analyzed the microscope. He gently pulled out the glass slide, and rubbed the pineapple on it. He focused the instrument. 

    The humans waited quietly, except for the toddler, who was busy coating her surroundings with syrup.

    

    Volatus do not, as a rule, use exclamations. They are very rarely surprised, which is why Zinzin did not know how to react to what he saw. Thousands of sharp spikes drifted about in the fluid.

    His friend helpfully filled the silence.

    "Calcium Oxalate needles."

    "What?"

    "The needles create thousands of micro lacerations, and the brometin enzyme enters through the cuts, and starts digesting your cells."

    Zinzin thought for a moment.

     "I suppose the acid doesn't help either"

    The volatus sat, as much as volatus ever really sit, and allowed himself to bask in the light conversation, and watched, with little surprise, as the humans ate pinapple until their mouths were raw.

Only Deathworlders

Ao3 Discord

[huntersulamaka]

What if humans are the only species that have existential crises? A lot of humans need a purpose, a reason to exist and keep going. That is part of the reason humans have a long history of worshipping different gods. We've always had a habit of looking for something bigger than us. A higher power, a god, there are countless theories out there, one of which is the idea that we live in a simulation.

What if other species don't need a reason? What if they don't think about what we call the 'questions of life'? What if they never questioned existence or their purpose? We have had philosophers going back as far as the 6th century BCE in ancient Greece. We have a name for people that think.

[jpitha]

Siervt runs up to one of the humans in his weekend card game.

"James! You have to help me!"

"Of course Siervt, what is it?"

"Pennimen has won more than 50 credits from me, because he bet me that I can't find a problem that humans don't solve with explosions!"

"Okay, okay, we can think of something." As they're thinking, Kerry walks by. "Kerry! Give me a problem that we don't solve with an explosion."

"Uh, fire." Kerry offers.

Siervt shakes his head sadly. "No, you've used explosions to blast oxidizer away from a fire, putting it out."

"Woah, neat! Hmm. cooking?"

"There's a ancestors cursed grain that explodes when you cook it!"

"Oh popcorn, right." James thinks some more.

"Oh! I've got one. Negotiation! Kerry says smugly.

Siervt gives her a look. "Pennimen says intimidating the other side with an explosive based show of force counts."

"Damn! I thought I had it there. Okay okay...." Kerry keeps thinking.

James casts his head around the room, looking. "What about welding?"

"Welding?"

"Yeah, that's done with heat and electricity, but not explosions."

"I'm sorry James, I couldn't help overhearing." The starbase cuts in "But humans have welded with explosions. It's a known method in welding two dissimilar metals in extreme environments."

"Woah, really? That's so cool!"

"James, focus." Siervt says. "We're looking for non explosive solutions."

"What about medical issues?" Kerry says. "There can't be a lot of call for explosions there."

"Hmm, now we might be onto something." James agrees. "What do you think Starbase?"

"Searching."

A moment goes by and Siervt allows himself a moment's hope that he has finally found a solution that doesn't involve explosions.

"Results found. Siervt, the humans use Nitroglycerin - an explosive - to treat heart disease."

"THEY DO WHAT?"

"It helps prevent chest pains as a result of heart disease according to my records."

"ARRRRGH." Siervt seethes. "I don't know what's worse! That you have an exploding solution to every problem or that you both think they're all really neat! I'll never win my credits back."

"I can't help it Siervt, explosions are cool." James says

Kerry agrees. "It's probably why it's used as a solution so often."

[vampireapple]

Beware Human Fangirls

Humans will pack bond with anything. Anything. Even imaginary things. Yes, really.

.  .  .

Alien: I would like to meet your friend Harry. You seem fond of him, and he has led an interesting life. Please introduce me.

Human: Oh, sure, let me you the first book.

Alien: Do I need to present the book to Harry?

Human: No? I can get you the audio version if you want.

Alien: I just want to meet Harry.

Human: … Do you think Harry is a real person?

Alien: Of course he is real. You speak of him often.

Human: Oh boy. Um, well, I think we need to have a little talk…

.  .  .

Alien 1: You know Human Mara’s friend Edward?

Alien 2: The pale one who is always cold?

 Alien 1: Yeah. Him.

Alien 2: … Is he okay?

Alien 1: He doesn’t exist!

Alien 2: He died! Oh, no!

Alien 1: He’s not real.

Alien 2: What?

Alien 1: He’s imaginary. Some human woman had a dream and wrote a book and then Human Mara pack bonded with something not real.

Alien 2: … Are you sure?

Alien 1: Yes.

Alien 2: That sounds fake.

.  .  .

Human 1 and Human 2: *bickering*

Alien: What are they arguing about?

Human 3: Who’s better, Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark. Its stupid though, one’s DC and one’s Marvel, so its hard to truly compare them.

Alien: Why compare two humans instead of the two countries?

Human 3: What countries?

Alien: Marvel and DC.

Human 3: Those aren’t countries, they’re comics.

Alien: Comics?

Human 3: Yeah, kinda like cartoons in book form. We read them for fun.

Alien: So… these two people they’re arguing about aren’t real?

Human 3: Nope. But they’re still wrong. Obviously the best is Calvin and Hobbs.

Human 1: That’s two, doesn’t count!

All humans: *heated argument*

Alien: *goes to make more notes in their ‘Humans are Crazy’ book*

[catophile]

a wierdo artwork for wierdos cat lovers

do you like it wanna gift it as shirt or stickers to a weirdo? here is the merch link

[wisebeardtyrant]

How weird would aliens find it when they see some of us eat like a muffin and are full for the day and then see someone else consume like 5 bowls of pasta. Their minds would probably explode especially if the two people are like same shape and size.

Metabolism differences gonna make aliens lose their shit.

[zoxais]

[hitlersmanifesto]

I will sink my claws into anyone who shows me the smallest meager scrap of affection and declare them my friend.

this goes out to literally anyone who has interacted with me on this website. I LIVE IN YOUR WALLS

[doritodemon13]

You're right, we did have fun, but that is all in the past. Just so you know – something you should have forgotten by now.

Also STALKING MY FAMILY???? WHAT?

Oh, dont be silly, sixer.

I'm definitely not the only one here who wants to go back to our chess games in the dreamscape and how you may call it our "partnership."

Sure, I wasn't nice to your assistant and haunted him in his sleep with nightmares till he left…

(Hahahaha, but it was totally worth it)

don't you remember karaoke night?

Did it mean nothing to you?

(I don't remember a lot of it, but the parts I remember were great)

We were so happy there…

…Why should I forget that?

And about the stalking your family situation…

(I would recommend that you look after Stanley, I mean, you don't want something bad happening to him… right Stanford?)

[makemake1002]

I would appreciate it if gynecologists would stop telling me that I’m depressed. I don’t need the people looking at my cavern walls to then do a 180 and say “let’s talk about your depression,” as if I don’t already know that I’m depressed.

[thekinghermagesty]

a little thing i actually love about humanity is how ppl will have the goofiest usernames and personalities and then say some heartfelt philosophical type shit, like damn applejuicetitties that shit was deep thank u bro

[bob-frank451]

Humans Are Weird: Pack Bonding

Archivists note to the reader: It seems you are viewing this item in the human language English. For this reason names have been transliterated, units have been converted, and the content has been ontologically translated. Apologies for any inconsistencies.

----------------------------------------------

Ziet rounded the corner of the shuttle carefully, the human and the second deathworlder following close behind. The shuttle was only to be docked for a little under sixty minutes, left empty for less than fifteen, and unguarded for a mere seven.

There! The cockpit hatch! She reached a tendril toward the handle, but before she could open it the door opened by itself, revealing a short, but defiantly menacing individual holding a nasty looking weapon. Ziet froze in horror, before speaking frantically, the normal perfection of her grammar lost to the urgency of the moment.

“Kakia! Please just let us go, you’ll never need to see me again.”

The individuals mouth stretched into a wide, unnatural imitation of a human’s grin.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old,’ she spat out the word, “friend. Ziet, the highly esteemed logistics technician, how are you? And what are you doing with the recently escaped, and even more recently declared dead prisoners?”

She focused her weapon at Ziet. On a human’s face a grin can be cheery. In the rest of the universe that grin is taunting, threatening, menacing.

“Please just let us go, please. Please?”

“With the price on their head? With the human ambassador to the GA right here? Why, that would be treason.”

She leaned in close, close enough that the puff of breath that accompanied each word ruffed the fur on Ziet’s face.

“And you, my wonderful, treasonous colleague, here, at my mercy?”

The grin stretched wider, more teeth appearing, ivory white. The words came exaggerated, theatrical.

“It was self defense. She attacked me with the deathworlders. She committed treason.”

Ziet recognized the weapon, specifically the three white dots on the side, and her blood ran cold.

“You’re right about one thing Ziet.”

Her grip tightened on the trigger.

“I’ll never have to see you again.”

The human lunged for the weapon, but no race in the universe was that fast. Ziet felt an impact against her chest, and then a horrible anticipation, like the moment between an injury, and the inevitable agony it would cause. No! Please no! Then malice, pure hatred, flooded through her from the point of impact, coursing through her veins, attacking every nerve and cell in her body. She felt the thaumutic energy in her system recoil, and than start to fight the attacker, but the attacker was sly, and as each pulse of power attacked it was converted, joining the ever-growing tide of hatred and pain. Her body decided that it wasn’t going to win this fight, and instead chose to jettison the power through whatever route necessary.

The human watched in horror as his friend was shot by the attacker, this Kakia person. Ziet’s eyes went out for a moment as the latent entropic energy was called inwards for the battle, and than shone with the power of a spotlight as pure energy was dumped en mass. This wasn’t fast enough however, and more and more energy poured out. It started to leak from her mouth, then nostrils, and then it started to leak through her skin as thousands of amps of power were discharged. The entire volatus was shining with the brilliance of the sun, and nobody in the entire shuttle could see anything but white.

Just as quickly as the light had started it stopped, and the volatus fell to the floor like a spent battery. Kakia uncovered her eyes, and grinned at the human, raising the weapon for a second shot, but the human was already charging. She fired and fired, but had only time to learn one thing before the human’s vengeful body slammed into her own.

Humans don’t use magic.

Ziet felt the weight of several jumpsuits rapped around her. She knew they were jumpsuits because of the wafting smell of Squalus detergent, the brand used to wash clothing inside the personnel wing of the spaceport. There was a gentle tap on her cloak, over her left shoulder. She felt another. Tap. Tap. Tap. Then hand shook her, and she obligingly opened her eyes. There was the human, crouched before her, eyes locked on her face. The eyes were leaking, clear fluid running over the human’s flat face, and dripping off his nose and chin. Behind the human lay the crumpled form of Kakia, a rivulet of dark fluid leaking from the corner of one eye. The human had bound her with another jumpsuit, so presumably she had survived her first encounter with a deathworlder.

“Ziet? Can you hear me?”

The human was still looking at her, and she noticed now that his breathing was erratic, and saw proper fear in those alien eyes.

“I can”

The human’s mouth turned into a grin, a grin that spoke to intense relief, as well as to the effort the human was putting into not showing teeth.

“You ok?”

The Volatus pondered this question. She felt gutted. Every ounce of strength had left her body. She couldn’t even feel the slightest scrap of power in her system. Her head hurt, terribly, and nothing came to relieve the pain. But she was ‘ok’.

“I’m ok”

She winced at the grammar.

“Sorry, I am going to be fine.”

“I’m glad. You scared us. I was so worried”

“Where are we?”

“Flying. He says he can.” The human pointed a limb toward the second deathworlder sitting in the cockpit across the room. “We leave the air five minutes. In five minutes, sorry”

The volatus felt a wry happiness settle over her, despite the fatigue that overwhelmed her The human’s grammar was improving. The human reached beside him and produced the weapon Kakia had shot them with.

“What’s this?”

Ziet didn’t need to study the weapon to answer the question.

“It’s a malice gun, made by Simplicity. It’s like a computer virus.”

The human gestured to himself.

“I’m ok”

“It works by converting the thaumutic energy in your system, and I don’t think humans have any.”

“Oh”

They waited in silence for a moment.

The other deathworlder, the one piloting the shuttle, grunted a single word, the only word it had learnt of galactic common so far.

“Hey!”

The bio-luminescence on its arms lit up, and the human watched the flickering pattern closely, before saying a single word.

“Space!’

The volatus glanced towards the cabin window, and saw the blue curve of her home shrinking. Soon it would be a full circle against a black canvas, painted with thousands of stars. Then it would faded away into the distance completely.

She was free.

Ao3 Discord

[authorbettyadams]

Dangers of a Big Red Button - Humans are Weird - Short, Absurd, Science Fiction Story Collection

#scifi #book #story #aliens #HFY

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Dangers of a Big Red Button - Humans are Weird - Short, Absurd, Science Fiction Story Collection

#scifi #book #story #aliens #HFY