#humans are capable of terrible things.
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The easiest sucker to fool seems to be the people who trusted that man and humanized him to begin with… Not the people who are smart enough to keep an eye out for monsters that harm children and RIGHTFULLY dehumanize those monsters…. You have it backwards, anyone with a brain knows that men like that are predators and deserve to be dehumanized. It’s y’all’s dumb mindset that ✨everyone deserves humanity✨ sparkly bullshit that protected and enabled that predator from your neighborhood. Be real.
Look I'm gonna answer this honestly and then block you because I don't need this energy.
This man was there for my family during one of the most difficult times in our lives. He offered to help take care of our pets. He wrote a reference letter for my sibling that got them into their dream job. There was nothing - I repeat, absolutely fucking nothing - that indicated that there was anything untoward.
This man was like a second uncle to everyone in our community. We are still reeling from the trauma of being groomed to be his allies. Because did you know that predators groom their allies as well as their victims? They earn their trust, make themselves indispensable. They're there for you when no one else is. They present themselves as great people who do great work.
My point is - this man is a human being. He EARNED our trust. And we only found out much later that our trust had been predicated on a lie.
There is no such thing as a monster. There is no category of person that you can point to and say "that kind of person is dangerous".
Because that rhetoric always harms marginalized people. Queer people. Jewish people. Muslim people. Black people. Trans people. Anyone who is othered and dehumanized. How are you going to be able to recognize harm?
If only monsters are able to be harmful, then what about your boyfriend? He's a good guy!
What about your sister in law? She didn't MEAN it!
What about your childhood best friend! Oh come on do you seriously think they would do that?
You need to recognize that ANYONE is able to commit violence and harm. And if you're insistent that only monsters are able to commit harm, how will you recognize it in the people you love and care about?
Because I didn't know. I was a fucking child.
#I'm gonna turn off comments on this one#cw csa#cw csa mention#personal#dehumanization doesn't fucking work#humans are capable of terrible things.
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You gotta make peace with the crudeness inherent to the human condition or you are doomed to be a puppet of sensless disgust and scandal over that which comes naturally and harms no one
#people say fuck and draw crude dicks on things and have sex and burp and fart and stink#This is not the end of the world#and it is not an indictment of anyone's character#the cleanest most proper individual known to man is just as capable of terrible evils as the smelly crass dude at the bus stop#But both are equally capable of making a positive difference#and assuming which they're making by such superficial appearences is petty at best and fascist at worst#And yes I do mean fascist. Just because you don't personally call it “degeneracy” doesn't mean you're not singing the same tune#I'd rather people be crude and kind than polite and cruel#I'd rather humanity be messy and full than beautiful and soulless
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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i really need to do more things i wholeheartedly enjoy. not just filling my days to stave off the boredom or escape from The Horrors. i feel like often, recently, im so exhausted and everything fatigues me. but how can i exist on this earth when im not thriving? everytime im spending time with my sister and mother (in this combination) im realizing that i need this shimmering, vibrant connection to life and humanity to be in touch with the core of me. i feel like in that brain fog mud slush thats my life i forget parts of myself, and i forget even that i forget
#awful terrible i Hate.#not like critisizing myself. i know why#i hate the situation i guess. i wish it were different#maybe there are some things i can do different to#like maybe fine tune it a bit better#in areas where i do have control#i think that. when youre so used to the mud slush brain fog monotony u forget ure capable of smth else#that there is smth else#and that its worth it to look for it#whenever and however u can#its a kind of effort ur system might think#is not worth it to make#even though it is worth it. to pursue it#it makes us human and it reminds me im alive?#my thoughts#daily life thingies#wait i have a tag for that#talking to the moon
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Why the fuck do people expect me to be a literal fucking angel just because I like wearing colorful outfits and hair accessories and am autistic 😭😭😭😭
#this is so annoying because when I act like an asshole everyone is 100x more surprised than when someone else acts like an asshole#like im so 'pure and cute' and not capable of having actual human thoughts and emotions#i know that am way more naive and gullible than most ppl my age even though ive been through a lot of trauma caused by actual terrible ppl#but i just dont know how to change that aspect of myself...#i kind of wish i was evil lol#and then i also have high moral expectations for myself (?)#like if I partake in gossip or being extra judgemental of people that i dont even really know#i will feel like the worst person alive#then I see what shitty things other ppl do daily and consider 'ok' and im like 'wtf???'#also most ppl don't have the confirmation that im autustic since i didnt tell them but im pretty sure they catch something different in me#there's also some good things about this like this older woman from my friend group in uni puts me under her wing and acts kind of motherly#towards me and I kind of like it ngl#personal
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#personal#ignore me#if things keep going the way they’re going I’m probably gonna end up doing something real stupid#hitting many limits#so tired#if there were a button i could press that’d let me be forgotten about entirely and let me sleep for a long while i would press it so hard#or maybe for someone more capable than me to take over my body forever. that’d be nice too. doing a terrible job at being a human.
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Also, got my lil sis to listen to all the released sagas of EPIC and the more I listen the more I'm side-eyeing Jackson bc I'm starting to get Odysseus vibes from him even tho Circe's songs resonate the strongest with him
#; speak writer#like the biggest thing for Jackson is that he truly is just a man owo#a human who gets to spectate and occasionally participate in the supernatural sode of things#his mortality in comparisons to the immortals and spirits he's come across#lady luck looking over his shoulder and gifts him her grace on a whim#charming and yet utterly capable of being terrible#this is all his main verse themes mostly but many of these are across his other verses too
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(( Always thinking about how I portray Val as a kind and soft man (which he is!) but he would not hesitate to kill someone who betrayed him, no matter the reason. His goal is to get his men through the war and whoever gets in his way will either be decapitated by his wings or burned inside out. Very lawful neutral-esque, he's a soldier to his own beliefs. ))
#outofthewoods;;#(( don't mind me just thinking about this dumb angel capable of terrible things#I kinda wanted to break the stereotype that angels are good creatures as opposed to demons#Val as a human was a very person or as good as someone could be#But now he has a mission and he'll be damned if he doesn't go through with it#I think I posted something like this once but then deleted it hmhm ))#tw: violence#( of warm winter nights. );; --about: valentin.#*very good
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honestly so delighted at the direct amv pulls that are in here
#posts#music#naaate. nate scroll down on this one wait for it and lifeboat are on here#AND SAVIOR#i havent looked at this playlist on so long. i shouldnt be surprised how excited i am to See Songs In A List i will never be over chara#also i am based and pog for putting sail and run by awolnation in here. memeification cant stop me#''i am a human being capable of doing terrible things'' GET IN THE PLAYLIST#Spotify
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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i hope the og artist never sees it bcz those are genuinely good drawings and everything but there is this one WH fanart that keeps getting rec'd to me where he@thclif has yellow eyes and I. i really don't like that.
#censored it so it doesnt show up inthe tag#since as mentioned i just dont want the artist to find it#he looks more animalistic than cathy and i really dont like that#like to me part of the messaging of the novel is how HUMANS are capable of terrible things and i feel like that takes away from that
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i think it's a tragedy that, as someone who generally tries to embrace new technological advancements, i once believed artificial intelligence had the potential to be an incredibly useful tool that could fill in the gaps that are commonly hard to do by ordinary humans, but now with how it's commonly being used, i see red every time someone even mentions using it
#even worse when my dad (who knows how i feel about ai in creative spaces) suggests to my face#that i should use ai for things i can do on my own as a human person who is capable of creative activities#(in fact i'm dependent on being creative and the arts/english/etc. since i'm terrible at maths and sciences)
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we have to make a presentation about a serial killer and i’m literally gonna throw up this feels so invasive….this is someone’s life!! im reading all the details of a this man’s traumatic childhood for a school presentation im going to be sick���..
#sorry i’m capable of humanizing people even if they’ve done terrible things#this shouldn’t be allowed!!#this man was abused all his life and he killed some people about it!! i think i would too if we’re being honest!!#i don’t want to sit here and look into the eyes of his childhood portrait as im reading about the things his mother did to him.#that shit should be between him and god who am i to be reading this
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i hate you
at you and bakugous wedding he reveals his true feelings
★・・・・・・★
“ it is now time for the vows, bakugou we will start with you.”
Bakugou reaches into in pocket and pulls out papers, making sure to wipe his hands against his pants.
looking at you and then taking a deep breath and clearing his throat he says “ about a month into our relationship i realized one thing about you. i was in the shower after a date, you had kissed me for the first time. in my head i declared that i hated you.”
gasp filled the room. bakugou looked up from the paper and into your eyes once again, he saw you taken aback. hearing a faint “ katsuki..” from his mom he knew he should continue.
“ i hated you more into the relationship, i had this feeling in me when i thought about you. i hated it. “
“ i hated the way you came into my life like you owned it, and the thing i hated the most about you is that you made me feel human.”
“ dude this isn’t what we planned “ kirishima says from behind bakugou. him and bakugou stayed up numerous nights trying to find the write words to say to you, bakugou would describe his feelings to kirishima and kirishima would write down a sentence, but nothing was good enough for bakugou so when they finally came to an agreement…bakugou tossed it.
“ For example “ bakugou starts again “ i hate seeing you, hearing your voice, being next to you and having you touch me, everything that you did effected me.”
“ i hated how when i slept i wished you were there, when i shared an apartment with kirishima, kaminari and sero i hated how anything i had to do with them i wanted to do wit you, i hated being alone because you weren’t there to throw me a smile, i hated your smile, i hated when you smiled that was the only thing i wanted to see, i hated feeling you lips on me because i never wanted them to leave.”
taking a breath in bakugou made sure not to look at you, he didn’t want to see the look on your face,
“ the worst part is that i never hated any of this, i loved it. and that scared me to my core. i never thought i would be able to feel this way about anyone, this feeling was so forgine to me “
“ so i shut you out, for the first 6 months of our relationship i was terrible to you. i never gave you any love, or affection. i wasn’t talking to you, i avoided you. i kept us secret. i don’t want any to know that bakugou katsuki was capable of love because you made me feel like a human being not some hot shot hero with a big ego. whenever i thought i could do anything, beat everyone, you always reminded me that i was human.”
a shaky breathe leaves him “ you scared the crap out of me, i didn’t like what you gave me but i craved it, i craved you. “
“ the moment i think about still to this day is the day you told me you loved me, i didn’t say it back. instead i took your hand off my shoulder and walked to the bathroom and telling you that i had to piss. in that bathroom i wanted to scream “
“ the night it all changed is when i heard you and my dumb roommates talking on the. you had begged me for us to have a sleep over and in the middle of the night you got up. i followed you. i heard kaminari ask you ‘ are you and bakugou gonna break up ‘ at that i froze, i listen further into the conversation and when you said ‘ if me and bakugou break up it will be him doing the breaking up, he’s rude and hot head and not very affectionate but those small moments with him are worth it’ “
“ i don’t know what changed in me that night but that was the first night i initiated touch with you while i was fake sleeping “
“ i hate our relationship because of those first 6 months, i didn’t know how to properly treat you and how to communicate my feelings which i still can’t do.” bakugou lets a tear fall out of his eyes.
“ i hate how i never gave you what you deserved, i worked my butt off and tried so hard after that night to show you that i still love you. i love your smile, your laugh, or when you choose to sleep directly on me instead of your side of the bed. how you cook with me, comfort me after a long day, how you play with my hair, how you always snap back at me. how you love to bake with me. “
“ i love those late nights where you and me just talk about absolutely nothing. i love when when you get a tingly feeling in your nose and you stuff and strunchn into my shoulder for comfort. i love how you jump into my arms randomly, i love when you put your cold feet under my shirt to warm them up. i love when you rub my back and kiss my forehead. i love everything about you and everything you do. i hate how i can never tell you how much i love you.”
“ i never hated you, i loved you. and i was so scared to show it. i hate myself because i can never find the right words to tell you anything because even now i still don’t deserve your love. “
looking into your eyes you see tears falling from his and his lip quivering. bakugous fist are gripping the paper at this point.
“ but you deserve all of mine, y/n i love you “
silence came over the whole building..
“ was that okay?” he asked you in a quiet whisper still having tears fall from his eyes.
‘ even when crying you look beautiful ‘ he thought to himself.
★・・・・・・★
chatness this kinda feels rushed and not really thought out but idk i really wanted to write a fic about this. bakugou is bakugou so i’m a firm believer that in the beginning of any of his romantic relationships it’s very hard. also i was think of writing some of these senarios out idk.
currently working on a kuroo x reader and haikyuu multiple x reader so yeah that’s all booya!
#bakugou katsuki#anime#bnha#mha bakugou#mha#bakugou fluff#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugou x reader#bnha bakugou#bakugou x you#bakugou x y/n#bakugou katuski x reader#katsuki bakugo mha
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you know the killer doesn't understand
in which spencer is so terrified he's going to hurt you after he gets out of prison that he can barely touch you. an argument ensues.
angst (+ comfort) warnings/tags: established relationship, fem!reader, mentions of violent intrusive thoughts (non-specific), arguing, yelling, use of the word rape, nightmares, happyish ending, mention of showering together, it's a bad time but it's also a good time for us woo i love angsty angst a/n: i miss posting for real so bad i dug up this draft which was mostly finished and polished it up. i think i really like this one and it was based on a request but i lost it:( i hope u guys enjoy this, pls lmk<3
Spencer is by no means happy with his sudden fear of touching you—it makes everything in his life significantly harder and less convenient and he hates that he’s constantly afraid he’s going to break you. He hates watching you hold back from attacking him with a hug when he enters a room like you used to, and he feels terrible every time you ball up on the opposite side of the couch as he reads, waiting for an invitation into his lap but too scared to ask for one (he’ll always hold out his arm for you, though—he’s not cruel.)
You’re adorable in the way you stand at the foot of the bed in your pajamas, arms behind your back like it’s not your bed too, but it makes him feel terrible. This isn’t at all what he wanted for you, and in all honestly he’s thought about ending the relationship because he knows he’s being an absolutely awful partner—but he just can’t bring himself to. Instead, he gestures for you to get into bed, and you curl up under the covers close to him but not against him, and he’ll play with your hair and read for a while because he can’t sleep very well. Eventually he’ll assume the position of sleep, but some sick part of him doesn’t know what to do with the sounds of the city and the fan instead of the sounds of a hundred men rolling and sniffing and shuffling around their echoey cells. He doesn’t understand warmth anymore, or softness, or nice pajamas or fluffy pillows. He’s starting to think he doesn’t understand you. And that’s the worst thought of all.
So he essentially dozes for the first week, on and off, always exhausted in the mornings but what’s new. When he can’t sleep, he turns his head to watch you breathe—some beautiful, sweet creature dreaming in his bed, unwaveringly loyal to him even though he can hardly stand to touch you for fuck’s sake. You’re beautiful, and it makes him feel better to watch you, even if he can’t touch you. Not now that he knows what he is capable of doing to another person. What if he has some sort of PTSD—PTSS, thank you, Luke Alvez—induced dream and does something terrible to you in his sleep? It’s not like you’re tiny, but he’s stronger, he knows he is, and lately every time you get too close he remembers exactly what it feels like to exert the full force of that strength, and what it feels like when someone else unleashes their own onto him.
They’re just intrusive thoughts, and in them he doesn’t hurt you intentionally, but he always feels a little bit sick now. He is so, so sick. A bull in a China shop. Spencer knows exactly how breakable humans are—it’s his job to know. If he left so much as one red mark on you by accident, he’s quite sure he’d drill down to a previously unknown rock bottom. And if he reaches that point, he doesn’t know if he’d ever deserve to come back.
Every day it seems to become clearer that the only humane thing to do is break up with you. But for now he’ll watch you sleep—the delicate rising and falling of your chest, the way you curl in on yourself because you can’t curl into him. In sleep you look so peaceful and content. You never look that way awake, anymore. Not when he’s around, which is pretty much always. At least he can’t disappoint you while you’re asleep.
Or so he’d like to think.
Until one night, about a week and a half after he gets home; you whimper in your sleep. It’s so quiet he could’ve missed it, but he doesn’t, and then he watches your smooth brow furrow with worry and he knows you’re having a nightmare immediately.
Spencer panics—before, he would have woken you up and held you and comforted you until you fell back asleep and it would have been so simple. Now he’s frozen, afraid to touch you but not sure if he can just lie there watching you so afraid and not do a thing about it.
In the end, you choose for him—and it only takes a few moments. You’re close enough to him that it’s easy for you to close the few inches even in sleep, and maybe you’re slightly conscious but not enough to remember you’re not supposed to touch him.
He stops breathing as you fold yourself against him, muttering worried nonsense—he catches his name, once—nestling against his chest, one searching arm gently draping over his waist. Every muscle in his body is rigid, and his thoughts—his mind goes… completely fucking blank.
Suddenly, all he’s known, all he’s ever known, is the smell of your hair, the warmth of you seeping through layers of clothing, and the weight of your arm over him. Everything he ever was ceases to exist, and he’s just this, right now. The person you’d turned to unconsciously for comfort, so sure, so trusting that he would keep you safe. He can feel your breath for the first time in months. Slowly every tense muscle unspools. For the first time in a long time he doesn’t feel dangerous. He doesn’t feel like his entire body is spring loaded and ready to attack at the slightest provocation. Spencer allows himself to hold you, and part of it feels like betrayal because he knows how badly you need this from him while you’re awake but mostly he feels like he could cry. His thumb rubs circles into the middle of your back and your head tucks so perfectly under his chin while he studies the rumpled sheets where you’d been lying a moment ago. He almost feels like sticking his tongue out to gloat at your half of the mattress—haha, look who gets to hold her now—but instead he sighs, shakily, and squeezes his eyes shut.
You don’t make another sound for hours.
He’s reluctant to let you go when you begin to stir around six AM, but forcibly holding onto you is so far from what he wants to do that he manages. You roll back over to your own side of the bed, and he continues admiring you from afar until he falls asleep. It’s the best three hours of sleep he’s had in a very long time.
Of course, you don’t remember it. When you wake up your sadness resumes, and so does the pretending like you’re not sad, but you’re a very good sport—and it helps that he’s feeling much better this morning than he has since he got back.
“Good morning,” you whisper faintly, still blinking as you watch him longingly from your spot.
Spencer pushes himself up onto an elbow, and you watch with big eyes as he leans over you, stroking your cheek with his free hand.
“Good morning. You sleep okay?”
Your brow flickers, and he realizes it’s not a question he asks every morning, and you’re probably distracted by this overt display of affection, but you answer it obediently anyway.
“I think so. I had weird dreams.”
He hums.
“About what?”
It’s quiet for a moment as he takes in the exact spattering of microscopically fractured pigment over your irises. Your voice is small when you finally speak.
“Do I have to tell you?”
That hurts.
“No. But it might help.”
Coming from him? Ironic doesn’t even begin to cover it.
You acknowledge him with a small hum of your own, studying him with soft, mistrustful eyes.
He can’t help it anymore—Spencer leans down and gently kisses you, so tenderly, so chastely, it makes his own head spin. He hasn’t kissed you like that since you picked him up from Milburn. It’s long overdue.
Which is why he’s not expecting you to start crying. He pulls back immediately, not far, just enough to assess your expression.
“What’s this? What’s wrong, angel?” He frowns. Your lip quivers in a way that feels like a blow to the chest.
“That’s not… you’re…”
“What? What is it?”
A fat tear finally traces a path down your cheek and when you speak your voice breaks in the most fragile, devastating way.
“You’re not being fair.”
He has no neat question to summarize all the bafflement your accusation inspires in his lately cloudy head, but the wildly confused look on his face must be prompt enough.
“I’m trying really hard to respect your space and boundaries and not upset you but my feelings are hurt, Spencer, I don’t know how they couldn’t be. I feel like you don’t even like me anymore. I’m embarrassed around you because I feel like I care about you so much more than you care about me. And then you—and then you wake up one morning and you think it’s okay to act like you love me again but I can’t—I c—” you stop, obviously frustrated—now crying in earnest and lacking the words. “You can’t be mean to me. I know you’ve been through a lot and I’m sorry but you can’t treat me like that. I’m a person, too.”
His chest aches and he swallows down barbed wire.
“I’m not acting like I love you. I do love you. More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in my life. That’s not an act.”
It’s not an adequate response, but your words are still spinning in his head until he can’t keep up with them. He’s not used to this, anymore. The language you two had developed is so foreign now.
Maybe he just doesn’t know how to talk to you.
Resignation—a too-calm recognition softens the stormy look that has brewed on your face. As soon as it’s gone, and you’re looking at him placidly, he realizes he’s afraid.
“Well, that’s not enough,” you whisper.
Spencer feels like he’s been shot as you push the covers aside and slip out of bed. And he knows what that feels like.
“Where are you going?” And then louder, when you don’t hear him because you’ve already left the room, “Where are you going?”
He follows you through the apartment as you march purposefully for the door, slipping shoes on and grabbing your keys and coat.
You barely look over your shoulder as you leave, slamming the front door behind you. Things shake from the impact. A mini earthquake.
Spencer is too stunned to follow you.
It’s not until a few minutes later when he goes to call you that he realizes your phone is still sitting on your bedside table. He stares at it, tasting metal, because he has absolutely no way to reach you or guarantee your safety. There’s no way for you to call him, or anyone, if you get in trouble—and he fears that you’ll retaliate against him by doing something stupid and dangerous.
He only just manages to stop himself from calling the police and asking them to start looking for you. Only just recognizes it to be an overreaction.
Besides, he’s not feeling particularly fond of the criminal justice institution these days. If it came down to it, he’d trust himself and his team over the cops any day.
The team. They’re always a resource. If worst comes to worst, he thinks, robotically making coffee as he tries to talk himself down, and she doesn’t come home before dark, I’ll call all of her closest friends. If she doesn’t come home before the morning—the thought makes him feel sick—I’ll deploy every fucking resource at my disposal.
Maybe that’s an overreaction, too, but he has to find a way to self-soothe somehow. Planning makes him feel better. Being prepared for the things you never see coming makes him feel better. It’s impossible, of course—but the illusion of control is stubborn and so seductive.
Thankfully, it doesn’t come to that.
At around 2 PM, he receives a couple of texts from Garcia that are a massive relief.
Penelope: She’s at my apartment
Penelope: BE NICER TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!
The series of emojis that follow (including an octopus?), he doesn’t even try to decipher. He simply drops his phone and sighs deeply into his hands, releasing an extreme amount of paranoid tension that had been tying him into knots. Lately, he’s had this sense that everything is fleeting—that the things he takes for granted are painfully, violently impermanent. It doesn’t take anyone with a degree to figure out why he’s been feeling that way, but it’s so all-consuming he’s not sure how to cope with it. Just a few days ago, he’d been wondering how to break up with you. Now he’s asking himself how the fuck he thought he’d be able to do that when he’s barely functioning after a few hours without you.
It’s a question he still hasn’t answered by the time the front door opens at 10 PM. It’s clear by the deer-in-headlights look on your face that you hadn’t been expecting him like this—leaning over the counter, half-empty mug by his hand, staring at nothing in particular and waiting for you to come home. Neither of you have changed clothing since this morning—not that you could—but you look apprehensive as you close it behind you, never facing away from him. The whole thing is like a teenager being caught sneaking back in by a weary parent.
For a moment the silent confrontation stretches into the horizon, a non-specific point as neither of you seem inclined to be the first to talk. You just watch him watching you—leaning against the door rigidly as if you can’t get far enough away. But he’s too tired for this. Too worn out.
“How’d you get home?”
You swallow.
“Penelope.”
Spencer nods slowly, rolling his bottom lip between teeth and finally looking away.
“You really should have brought your phone.”
You scoff, peeling yourself from the door.
“Of course that’s what you’re worried about.”
It’s the same situation as this morning, but in reverse—him following after you down the hall as you storm toward the bedroom.
“Wh—should I not have been? You scared me—” he says your name, barely catching the door before it can slam in his face. “I was worried about you.”
“Why?” you face him, laughing bewilderedly as if the situation were at all funny. A kind of manic energy crackles from the surface of your skin and in your eyes that renders him unable to think of a reply. “Because you thought I would get raped and murdered and then you’d be sad?”
“Yes!” Spencer yells, eyes widening as he fails to contain his frustration any longer. “That is fucking exactly why I was scared!”
You step forward, getting in his space. It jars him, momentarily—he wants to get away from you. Being angry and so close to you is terrifying. What if he lashes out? What if he hurts you? He’s seen crimes of passion. His blood is freezing in his veins.
“Of course you didn’t give one single fuck that I left you. You didn’t think for one fucking second that I might be tired of this. That wasn’t what you were scared of at all.” For every inch you near, he backs away. Another scorned, bitter laugh from you that feels like poison coursing through his entire circulatory system. You notice everything, eyeing him up and down as he cowers from you. “What is this, Spencer? If you hate being near me that much, just fucking break up with me.”
You’re close enough that he can see the tears welling in your eyes, but he’d know they were there even if he couldn’t observe them. He would hear it in your voice. He would feel it. But he can’t do anything about it. Right now, he’s paralyzed.
“If the only thing holding you back is wanting to spare my feelings, just fucking do it. This isn’t better. I don’t give a fuck if it’s hard for you. It’s hard for me, too, but I’m not just going to ignore it anymore.”
There’s no more room. The wall is at is back.
“Honey, please back up,” Spencer breathes. Last time his back was to a wall, he’d been gagged and beaten. Don’t lash out. She never hurt you. It wasn’t her.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” you shout, as tears begin to spill over your cheeks. “Either break up with me or stop telling me to go away!”
At that moment, as you break down and your words become muddled with sobs, you raise your fist.
Spencer watches it approach his shoulder as if in slow-motion.
On instinct, he catches your wrist.
There’s a lull as he waits for something to explode, for something to go terribly, deeply wrong—
But it doesn’t.
He realizes his grip is gentle. He realizes you’d never actually hurt him like that. He realizes how little resistance he’d found when he stopped what was sure to be nothing more than a petulant, petty bump against his shoulder—a maneuver that wouldn’t have hurt in the slightest. It was nothing more than a desolate, childlike display of feelings bigger than you know what to do with.
In the second that it takes him to realize all of this, to realize he is not endangering you in the slightest, nor you him, you’ve begun to truly sob. Standing just inches from him, head angled down as he holds your wrist carefully, you are the picture of a girl who has been running on empty for a very long time and has nothing left to give. Spencer twines his arms around you, tucking your head under his chin and slowly rubbing your back like he’d never forgotten how to hold you. It stuns you, and the tears pause for just a second—before you’re wrapping desperate, weakened arms around him and sobbing even harder, albeit silently, into his shirt.
“I don’t want to break up,” he whispers, his own voice shaky with understated emotion. “I’m sorry. Please don’t say that. I don’t want that.”
“What’s wrong with you?” You cry, a desperate plead caught between sobs that wrack your body against his against the wall. And he knows it’s not an accusation. It’s not an insult. It’s a question borne of confusion and fear. It’s what a child might ask a sick dog while tears stream down feverish cheeks. And it’s completely appropriate, considering he never tells you anything anymore and he’s only just realizing how scary that must be. Spencer is back from prison but you may as well still be living alone for all that you know about him. He tangles a hand in your hair and holds you against his chest, breathing you like nitrous oxide.
“I don’t know,” he whispers. The room beyond blurs as he stares at nothing, focused only on the tingly euphoria of feeling you under his hands clashing with the ever-present and crushing shame that he couldn't do it sooner. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you—to be sorry.” Shuddering breaths and gasps still cleave your sentences in half, and Spencer listens so intently he thinks there might be harmonics hidden in the layers of your voice. He clings to every syllable like you’re wielding the word of god in a five-foot-something body. “I just miss you so m—much. I want you to—to love me.”
“I do,” he promises immediately, lips pressing to your ear. “I do love you. So much. So much.”
When you don’t respond, he’s not exactly surprised. He almost asks what he can do, what you need—but is quite sure that’s not the right move. Instead he doesn’t say a thing. Only holds you.
Later, you’ll pull back and he’ll swim in your teary gaze, and then kiss you. He’ll trace silent apologies into every inch of your skin under the torrent of the shower, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make you understand. But for now, for the first time in months, you’re holding each other, and that’s all either of you need.
#spencer reid#spencer reid fic#spencer reid x fem!reader#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid angst#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid x you#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds#criminal minds fic
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Always annoying to see a post that makes you go “yeah okay I agree with the point you’re trying to make but you can actually make that point without pretending like the other side of it isn’t nuanced too” but you can’t say anything without risking drama so you just have to move on
Bonus points if you don’t know whether the person who put the post on your dash reblogged it for OP’s point or the silly jokes underneath
#this post inspired by someone clearly trying to make the point of#‘don’t joke abt oppen/heimer bc the atomic bombings and their creation caused horrible tragedies’#which like. yeah. ive read survivors’ accounts of the hiroshima bombing and YEAH#don’t joke abt that it’s not funny#but there was also a clear implication that oppen/heimer didn’t actually feel guilty abt his part in the bombs#that his pov wasn’t worth exploring#and like. im not super well informed on oppen/heimer. but what ive heard suggests there’s definitely some nuance here#i mean i don’t know if the movie handles it well but i dont think it’s a bad thing to explore why he made the choices he did#it is in fact very good to acknowledge that sometimes humans make terrible decisions for understandable reasons#bc we are all capable of that and too many ppl like to pretend that only bad ppl do bad things#which is. bad.#marijn talks
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