#human psyche is a fucking joke

[drakonovisny]

wait so you're telling me that it's not normal when i suddenly think of something terrible and then feel like this terrible thing is actually going to happen unless i "spit" over my left shoulder, knock on wood (or my own head if wood is not available) and click my jaw side to side 3 times in a row??? or when something bad does happen it's not normal to think that i must've done or thought (or didn't think or do) something before to cause it????

[apatheticlexicographer]

MOTHERFUCK i did not realize how much those antidepressants made me feel physically psychologically and dare i say spiritually like a peat mummy

literally 2 days off them and i've experienced more joy, lucidity, motivation and general good vibes than i did in the whole 2 months i was on them 😭😭

[neep-neep-neep]

[arathergrimreaper]

Parents, end the cycle of violence. Stop naming your kids terrible shitty names just because they belonged to your parents, grandparents, etc. Especially names they, themselves hated. There are better ways to honor your ancestors than inflicting bad names on the babies with no say.

[fragmentating]

Anyways if you use straight jackets and other forms of restraint, padded rooms, in your art etc as someone who has not experienced this form of psych abuse I really really need you to tread lightly. I need you to be fucking respectful about it. If I see it used as a throwaway aesthetic choice or god fucking forbid as a JOKE one more time. I will set shit on fire.

I need you to understand that this is one of the worst things that can be done to someone, that it completely breaks you down. It is generally paired with isolation from other patients, sometimes In special rooms, sometimes stereotypically "padded" (though in real life I've only ever seen thick carpet being used, not whatever exists in those movies).

Really think about what it would do to you to be tied down in an empty room, no clocks, no indicator of time passing aside from the steps you hear coming down the hallway sometimes. Are they having lunch? Are they having dinner? no humans around you majority of the time, the nurses just checking on you through a window that you often cant see them through. They might be painted pink, or purple, etc, meant to "calm" you. It doesnt. It makes you lose your mind. You cant even fucking scratch your nose. There is nothing to fill the time. No reading. No listening to music. No connection to anyone who might help you. You can scream for hours, but you often quickly learn that the more you scream the longer they will keep you there like this. The most human reaction to this treatment is seen as proof of your insanity and as a need to prolong this treatment.

that it is often used to break you into compliance with whatever other fucked up shit they want to force on you. You dont want to take your meds? Well we cant legally force them down your throat (at least in some places I guess) but we CAN tie you down for a shit ton of time and the only way we will let you go is if you "consent" to taking your meds.

Your OC, your fucking blorbos, whatever, laying in a padded room tied up might be funny to you, isnt it so hilarious that they're (treated like) "one of those crazies". Look at this funny picture hihi. Sitcoms use this shit too. Psych ward, padded room, restraints, cue the laugh track.

But as one of those crazies we can usually tell when you want to actually depict our suffering and recognize it as such, give it the gravity it deserves. and when you only see this intense abuse as a funny thing or an aesthetic. And both are absolutely disgusting. Is this necessary? Is it worth more than preserving our dignity after the fact with treating our trauma with the seriousness and weight it deserves?

[na-orbite-solnechno]

okay okay okay guys the thing is i dont even need to explain why i love harry n jean duo so much. just the implications of their former relationship are so fucking funny. "no harry we are NOT crime bros." the line where we see the only instance of jean taking his stupid fucking wig off at the end of the day while talking to judit. meaning this fucker really sat like this for days thinking "yeah TODAY this fucker will laugh at my awful g bevy cosplay". the way both harry's psyche and jean calls trant "special consultant backpedal" meaning they probably joked between each other about trant being a skittish man he is. "you look like shit" "YOU look like shit, asshole!" y'know. bits and pieces. you can figure they were absolutely fucking awful for each other and still had stupid inside jokes aswell. jean centers his temper tantrum on how harry fucked up and some familiarity still seeps into it. really small pieces of it. really speaks for itself that there were something, maybe just work comradery and stupid humor, but there were so much. jean is not only pissed because harry fucks up their coupris kineema, loses his badge and hardly works on the case (at first, still, you can't do anything regarding the case to make jean satisfied w your work, he is THAT of a bitch), but also. there's something deeply personal, cause jean just doesn't talk to few other people we see the same he talks to harry. he actually can be pretty chill at times, which is surprising. not with harry; that's the way you curse off someone you really *know*. jean says "you were being emotionally abusive" and then describes you with every ableist phrase known to humanity. jean is pretty careful around higher-ranking officers - we see how he talks to kim, all politeness n shit. and when it's harry he's like a rabid fucking dog spinning in circles trying to bite its tail off. this is so curious. who is this man to you. this dude commands your unit, how the fuck are you talking to him like that, believing his amnesia or not. jean has it so bad he's seconds from committing the most oddly-looking murder-suicide in all of revachol. literally, what the fuck is wrong with him? on my first playthrough i just outrightly told myself "OKAY, it's such a besties breakup vibe". because how the hell do you explain this. feel free to share your thoughts w me, im eager to hear how people interpret those two fuckers

[kit-williams]

So I read your piece about Honsu. That would be great. And you know, we joke and analyze about fetishes, kinks and sexual attraction in Astartes.

But! I think it's pretty weird that traitors didn't return sexual attraction to Space Marines…

Since the lack of sexual desire is due to the fact that the Emperor did not want a new species to appear. But traitors consider themselves above mortals, so why not return sexual desire to them? GW has lost so much potential.

Well, yes, it will be very funny to watch how traitors would cope with new emotions. Those who have had sex or know about it, will immediately figure it out.

But the rest… I imagine how they look at women like crazy maniacs, not knowing what to do or what to say. Given their psyche and testosterone, their heads will simply explode from emotions.

If before they simply killed and tortured mortals, they were irritated by weakness. Now they suddenly started to like it. Are you crying? Your tears will be wiped away and you will be told that you are beautiful. In the most horrible way.

Are you pregnant? Will you name the child after him? Have you given birth yet? Now breastfeed quickly, and the Astartes will watch.

And courtship?

The Night Lord will give you human hearts and cloaks of leather.

The Emperor's Children will read you their poetry and sing. But since this is Slaanesh, prepare for vulgarity.

Iron Warriors: romance is kidnapping you and locking you in a cage.

And yes. All. All Space Marines will make you watch them fight and kill. Because it is sexy.

And so begins the Space Marines' Human Husbandary. An extremely creepy and scary thing…. I'll write about it one day.

Listen Honsou was just speeding things up when he was making the Demonculaba; you can't look at that thing and be like "there's some psychosexual things to be unpacked here."

Did you know that there's roughly 350ish generations within the span of 10,000 years (I have a feeling if chaos wasn't fucking around there would be a new species... then again Bile made his New Humans and basically unleashed them into populations

But you are right the traitors will have to deal with it first and I can imagine that it hits them suddenly since its so new and Space Marines are experts in handling new sensations.

But it might also be a difference between falling to chaos and simply turning traitor which one might activate that feeling earlier while the other is more of an ability to indulge that curiosity. Either way I hope these satisfy I know for some of them I could write something longer... it's probably obvious what ones I could

(1) sorry it took so long to do these and 2) sorry I went fuckin ham as there are 6 blurbs here )

tw: dubious consent, noncon, bone breaking, abduction, every single one of these is a traitor/chaos marine so that general unpleasantness so please let me know if I need to tag something

The Plague Marine could not figure out why his eyes remained on the female thralls and cultists... he didn't trust himself not to hurt them anymore. He was thankful for his helmet being on most of the time as the intense look in his eyes surely made them all cower and fear till...she got too close and he couldn't stop. He at least stopped before he fully broke all her bones... Grandfather would help him... Grandfather knew what was afflicting him. As while she was this pathetic mewling and weeping thing in his grasp he wanted to crush her again.

She was desperately crawling away as of course she would get hurt and have to be left to die. Oh she didn't want to die in the torturous way they would think up for her. He knew she didn't want to die... all prey didn't want to die and yet they knew all up until that last moment of life. He could practically hear the wild heartbeat and the way her wide prey like eyes locked onto his form as she let out the most beautifully frightened scream as the fallen Raven Guard barrels toward her. But before his claws sink in he skids to a stop and he watches her bite her bottom lip till it bleeds to stop the shrieking. His black eyes are fixated on the tears rolling down her cheeks like raindrops... his mutated palm wiping away those tears with the wet skin feeling so soft to him. His warped voice croons softly, his voice a breathy whisper, "You're so beautiful." He grins as she just starts to scream again.

He didn't need a bed slave... he was beyond that as blood shed was all he needed but he took you for a moment of relief... frail and weak thing that was destined to die in a myriad of horrible ways. But he liked the feeling of you around him... he liked you being a pathetic sad thing. He liked the way you bled and cried... till you stopped bleeding one day and grew fat with his young... he didn't need you... and yet you feel so good around him... and whatever you leaked from your breast felt good upon his tongue.

Courtship? I think you mean them just doting upon you and giving you attention.

You were so alone at this point that it was hardly safe to simply exist... ever since you got that first heart and the entire perfectly skinned human cloak everyone started to avoid you and the hearts and leather didn't stop... you're going to die... you know it you're going to die and you think it as you're hiding and weeping when behind you comes a Night Lord. He coos to you petting your head as you feel so numb you take the comfort just praying to anyone bothering to listen to have him make it quick. "Mmm you're clinging to me so tightly... are you scared? Do you need someone to protect you?" You don't know why you nod as you just hope you die soon. "At least I know you've enjoyed my gifts," He croons watching you finally react with dread horror as he just grins down at you and yet you do not struggle to pull away. Its over for you and you just accept your fate....

He sings to you as you lay there a quivering mess... just a tryst he tells himself as his fingers move up your spine having claimed you as his prize from another brother. He had grown tired of the cacophonous noise that spewed from his now dead comrade and he was only now just indulging in the soft noises you made. The panting and whimpering as his song was soft and low with tantalizing lyrics interspersed. You looked prettier covered in blood... with that fight left in your eyes as you rage against the inevitable end and he at the end of his perfected blade would have given it to you had that battle brother not interrupted. You should have died in such perfected death but he supposed it had been far too long since he indulged himself. And instead of quivering from blood loss and pain you quivered from overstimulation and pleasure. He deserved a nice little treat for his centuries of perfection...

You looked so sad simply attached to the repugnant mortal how your pretty eyes were dimmed and glazed the smile on your face fake. But not to him. You only tried the half hearted attempts to seduce him as you were ordered. You looked so relieved when all he wanted to do was hold you... that breathy thank you. Oh he was certain you would thank him soon enough. You didn't bother to run as you hid in the room that you could never seem to escape... no one would bother to save a body slave much less one of your rank you were at most a warm body to be enjoyed. You had hidden yourself in the back of the closet amongst the gaudy and billowing fabric outfits... you had seen the Astartes check the room before leaving and you had hopped that he was gone. But what luck did someone like you have as he came back and you recognized that crooning voice, "What a good girl... staying right there." It was the Iron Warrior that simply held you instead of fucking you... you hugged your knees tighter as the chains in his hand looked heavy and all you could do was watch in horror as he got closer... and closer... and the little voice inside of you hoped he wouldn't hurt you.

Oh if you do write the human husbandry please tag me I dont think I've got it in me to do it justice.

@bispecsual @egrets-not-regrets @moodymisty @bleedingichorhearts @liar-anubiass-blog

@thevoidscreams @barn-anon @gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan @squishyowl

@nekotaetae @sleepyfan-blog @remembrancer-of-heresy

[eddiesghxst]

Meeting Eddie years after you’ve both graduated highschool and everything he’s was picked on or bullied for being nerdy about is so hot and attractive and arousing to you and he’s like this girl is actually an alien why didn’t I meet sooner 😩🙌🏽

ugh you’re in the same college psych class and on the first day you sit near the back and eddie’s rushing in a little late so he just takes the closest seat to the door which happens to be right next to you.

your professor makes the class do icebreakers and well it’s safe to say that eddie is one weird fucking guy but holy shit something just does it for you

it starts with tiny shit, like you saying “i like your ring, where’d you get it?” and it’s a pentagram ring and eddie’s like um…that’s new, never had a chick like that one, but okay.

and then it progresses as time goes on: “cool ink, ive always liked bats, they’re just adorable!” and “i like your nail color. you should do a deep red next, it would look good on you.” and “i like your hair today, eddie, it’s cute.”

cute?! nobody’s ever called eddie fucking cute. he thinks about it all day, and somewhere along the lines eddie’s mind twists it to where you basically just said he was cute, not just his hair. whatever, same thing.

and then the touches come. laughing at his shitty jokes and placing a hand on his bicep. gently tapping his thigh to get his attention to ask a question about to upcoming paper. gently squeezing his arm as you smile and wave with that fucking adorable, “see you on monday!”

what the fuck?

nobody’s ever been this way with eddie and he thinks you might be a figment of his imagination when you ask him about all his nerdy shit like, “how’d your dnd campaign go last night?” because god, you really remembered that? even after eddie practically rambled about it for decades, he’d assumed you were just being nice.

and then you ask eddie if he’d like to study together sometime, and now you two spend every tuesday at the library in the private study rooms, and you hardly ever get any work done because you and eddie just talk the entire time but you both love it.

and eddie wishes your “study sessions” weren’t just once a week but he’s like 99.9% sure you’re just doing this out of the kindness of your heart, so he’ll be damned before he asks to hang out more and make you suffer through more of his insanely intricate and confusing theories about lord of the rings, or the thousands of ideas he has for a dnd campaign, or how excited he is for the new iron maiden album.

but then one day you’re both walking to your cars after class and you turn to eddie to ask, “do you maybe wanna go out sometime? like watch a movie or eat or something— like…. like a date?” and eddie just looks at you like there’s no fucking way this gorgeous human being is asking me out on a date right now.

he takes a moment to respond, “…why?”

“why… do i want to go on a date with you?”

“i—…. yeah, like… why?”

“oh. well, because i like you, obviously.”

and well, eddie thinks you’re the weirdest person he’s ever fucking met, but you’re cute and you make him laugh so he’d be a fool to ever say no to a date with you.

[susiephone]

i’m doing my annual reread of “gone girl” (happy women’s history month!) and as much as i ADORE the movie, both as a movie and an adaptation (seriously i think it’s one of the best adaptations i’ve ever seen), the book just has something to offer that i feel like couldn’t really be translated into film: the narration.

like yes there’s some narration in the movie, but films are a visual medium. for the most part, you don’t have the character tell us what they’re thinking, you show us via their actions. but a book, especially in first person POV as the book is (alternating perspectives between nick and amy), you have the benefit of having the character’s thoughts, and their actions, which can often hint at some stuff the characters don’t realize or don’t want to admit. especially because in the book, nick and amy are both aware they are telling you a story. they are both playing to an audience, they both know you’re there, and they both want you to side with them. and that is fascinating to consider as you read.

and we’ve all seen amy get made into this feminist girlboss heroine, and i know some people are joking (i mean, i joke about it), but some people are not. and that is baffling if you read the book and realize amy is also a complete misogynist. (actually she’s a misanthrope, she hates everybody, but she really has contempt for other women that doesn’t come up as much in the movie.) i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: it is a tragedy the book cut out hilary handy, because what amy did to her is an EXCELLENT example of amy’s lack of care for other women. 

the book also delves more into how amy, while brilliant and clever, is also not nearly as smart as she thinks she is, and she’s also a complete spoiled brat. the movie definitely mentions that amy was rich, but in the book, it’s clear that she’s never actually had to have job in her life (she does have one, but it doesn’t pay that well and it’s clear she could quit and live off her parents’ money any time she liked), and when she complains about being dragged “penniless” to missouri, she can still afford to not work and never has to think about the cost of gas. like she and nick aren’t RICH anymore, but they’re certainly not poor. amy in the book pays ten dollars for a carton of milk because she doesn’t realize she’s being overcharged. she expects $12,000 to last her nearly a year living in hiding, without actually budgeting (or rather, sticking to her budget) or compromising on comfort. 

furthermore, the book gets more into amy’s childhood and why she is the way she is, and also how her actions affect people who did nothing to her. the book spends a lot more time with her parents, who while not GOOD people in the book, get a lot more depth and really highlight amy’s callousness. the book does more to explore her psyche to make it clear that amy isn’t some super-cool ice queen mastermind who Does What She Wants; she’s on the edge of a breakdown basically 24/7, she’s a total hypocrite, she’s completely oblivious to her weaknesses and other people’s strengths, she’s motivated almost entirely by what others think of her, and her ego is both VERY inflated and incredibly fragile.

and in the book, amy and nick are perfect for each other. seriously. i have personally concluded that neither of them are capable of selfless or healthy love--except nick’s love for his sister, which is his main redeeming quality as a human being--but they do love each other in the most twisted, fucked-up, masochism tango way possible, and they’ll live miserably ever after because neither of them could ever be happy with someone else anyway.

like i get this stuff had to be streamlined or downplayed to make a 432-page book work in a single film. but i wish more discussion of the story was centered around the book instead of the movie, because i feel like when you have to cut down on stuff, some nuance and depth inevitably gets lost. and i wonder if amy would be as widely idolized and praised if the fanbase was centered more on the book than the movie.

tl;dr: if you’ve only seen the movie of gone girl, i implore you to pick up the book. it’s fantastic and makes an already stellar story even better. the audiobook is also excellent, although it did take me a couple chapters to get used to the narrator’s voices. they’re both FANTASTIC but it was jarring to hear nick as Not Ben Affleck and amy as Not Rosamund Pike 

[carmyberzattosjournal]

Entry 13: Grand Canyons of Scars

GIF by @mithrandirl

Bearblr Promptober Day 13: Hot Cocoa + Baking

Summary: In which Carmen has the worst panic attack of his life.

Warnings: Panic attack, swearing, trouble breathing, vomiting, pain, Carmy feels like he's dying, The Devil (Chef David) makes an appearance, written with fem reader who is a trauma surgeon in mind, she/her pronouns.

Notes: All journal entries will be titled as such and tagged with #cb journal.

This is a two-parter. Second part here.

Reblogs and comments appreciated. Thank you to @carmenberzattosgf for putting together this prompt list.

13 Oct 2024

I’m glad I had the panic attack in the park before the one I had at home. Because if I had the one at home first, I’m fairly certain Darling wouldn’t’ve looked at me the same again.

The Devil was a food critic now. Should’ve been a downgrade from being one of the best chefs in the world, but jokes on all of us miserable fucks, he was making a fuckton of money without having to step foot in another sweltering, loud, stressful kitchen again. Not that he felt stress. He didn’t feel anything.

He wasn’t a fucking human.

You know how if there is a God, he’s out for my blood, right? Well, I have proof of that now. Exhibit A: I find out this information while chopping chocolate for hot cocoa at my apartment—aside: fuck landlords, it took him a month to fix my range, and the radiator in the bedroom still won’t fucking work—and what comes on during the ad break of the baking show I have running in the background so the place isn’t painfully quiet while I’m waiting on Darling to come up from the parking lot after a long shift?

Aside 2: She was at the hospital for 19 fucking hours, you piece of shit. You fucking deadbeat. That’s the day you did this to her.

“Part of the reason we’re seeing so many restaurants close down, especially after the COVID-19 pandemic, is because of the social culture around dining out changing,” Chef David said.

If I had any control of my body, I would’ve kept my eyes off the T.V., ran over to the remote, and changed the channel or turned it off. That’s it. It sounds so fucking simple when I write this down, but that’s not how it went. It’s not how it’s ever going to go because The Devil left gouges, chasms in my psyche, Grand Canyons of scars that I put shitty fucking rope bridges over and that I could never—and I can never, I know this—fill in. No, I froze. I froze like The Devil’s breath was fanning out over the back of my neck, and the plates were moving too slowly, and I repeated ingredients again, and I should’ve been dead I should’ve been dead I should’ve—

One of the weirdest consequences of working for The Devil was that I could remember every single word he said to me. It was paramount that I did. He spat venom at me if I missed anything he said the first time. Every little thing—down to his fucking hatred of fucking black pepper—I memorized it. I knew that tilt of his head when he sensed an excuse, that eyebrow twitch when he expected a verbal answer, the furrow that formed and dissipated in the blink of an eye when he decided something had too much in it and needed to be stripped further. He walked differently when he was going to berate me. His cadence was different when I fucked up versus when I insulted humanity for existing.

So, as I stood, a marble carving in the kitchen, knife hovering over a chunk of Valrhona 55% dark chocolate already half-shredded into flakes, all I could do was watch the white reflection coming off the blade tremble more and more, all I could do was absorb every. Single. Word. The Devil said, as the voice in my head screamed at my body to move. To do something. To make the voice stop. As I tried to fight through the noise to tell myself it wasn’t real and that it was a dream, and I couldn’t be back in New York, Darling wasn’t in New York, and I couldn’t’ve imagined her this vividly.

“… with the rise… like Uber Eats and Doordash, people are just not finding it necessary to go out to dining halls and enjoy meals. They can get a lot of the food they tend to want to eat at home on their own time without having to brace the discomforts of social expectations. This has, obviously, caused problems in the mid-to-fine dining world, where that social expectation of a dining experience is primarily what drives people in the door rather than the food itself being of some specific quality.”

Like a bolt of lightning, a searing pain erupted in my chest. The knife clattered and slid off the cutting board, off the counter, and rang as it bounced off the tile floor. I grabbed at my chest, at the thing causing the pain, as if to remove it, as if I’d find a knife there butchering me as I stood, but all I grasped was the front of my apron.

“So do you think this will change how restaurants are being run?”

“Absolutely,” The Devil said. “I think in order to survive this change in society, restaurants need to adapt to the social changes we’re seeing.”

The pain worsened and deepened and sunk into the pit of my stomach. And I tore my apron off and clawed at my shirt, trying to chase down the hands under it, under my skin, under my ribs, the ones twisting my insides around their fists.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Noma has announced that it will be closing its dining hall after the service season in 2024 and opening an option more catered to people who want to be able to take the food to-go. There needs to be a shift in the industry that corresponds to the shift in the culture.”

My knees buckled, pain exploded elsewhere—I couldn’t even tell where, it all hurt. Everything hurt. World dimmed. Noise of some kind? Was that a voice? Was that The Devil’s voice?

“Carmy? Carmy!”

I couldn’t breathe. A roaring sound. Lights in my view.

Dark again. Cold. Cold on my face. Something jostled me.

“CARMEN, BREATHE!”

I can’t, sweetheart.

The Devil finally killed me.

Tell Sugar I’m sorry.

Tell ma I love her.

Piercing cold on my chest. Light. Dark. Light. Bile. I coughed and spluttered, gasped in air.

“There you go. Cough. Keep coughing.”

Pressure on my back. Light. It kept moving.

“Breathe... Breathe.” Darling sniffled, drew in a shaking breath. “In and out, slowly, all the way... You’re okay... It’s gonna be okay.”

Kitchen floor, on my side, knife and pool of vomit in view. And the stench of bile and random noise from the T.V. and freezing cold on my chest. A hand rubbing up and down my spine. Darling sniffled again. Took a deep breath.

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?”

I could. Fuck if I could respond, though.

“Carmy, baby, are you here?” something touched my hand. “Can you squeeze if you can hear me? I’m gonna have to call for an ambulance if you’re not—”

I crushed her fingers in my grip. Fuck no. No hospitals.

“Okay.” The cold sensation on my chest left, and in its wake was numbness and, weirdly, burning. The kind that made my face hurt when walking to the restaurant in the winter.

I’d just had the most brutal panic attack of my life. And this poor fucking woman—she got back from 19 fucking hours at the hospital and had to clean up that mess and me and the cut on my arm from falling on the knife. I kept wanting to help—I knew it was my fucking mess—but I couldn’t tell which way was up or down or if I was awake or asleep or what day or year it was. And I hadn’t been properly sick in a long time, but I remembered what a high fever felt like—and this felt like the highest fever of my pathetic existence. I don’t know when the T.V. turned off, but at some point, I noticed how quiet it was.

How did I end up on the couch wrapped in a blanket?

She joined me there. In her pajamas, hair up. Brought two mugs and set them on the coffee table.

“Hi, baby,” she whispered. Pulled her sleeve over her hand and patted my cheek—since when do I cry? “Do you know where you are? What happened?”

It took me a thousand years to respond.

“Panic attack?” I didn’t mean for it to come out as a strangled whisper, but I could’ve swallowed glass, my throat hurt so bad.

Oh.

That roaring sound I heard was my own screaming.

She nodded. Her eyeliner was smudged into a haze around her eyes. “Yeah. Panic attack. But it’s over now. We’re gonna try to recover, but then we need to talk about this, okay?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. I can recall now what she said, but at the time, I couldn’t understand her. The words came to me jumbled.

“Is it okay if I hold you?”

I saw that she was holding an arm out for me. I scooted towards her and hid my face in the crook of her neck. Collapsed into her scent, her softness, her warmth. I crushed a fistful of her pajama top in my hand and squeezed her like she’d disappear if I let go. She peppered kisses all over my forehead and my hairline while she sipped her hot chocolate. Murmured little comforting things to me. She kept feeling the temperature of the second mug, and, after a while, brought it first to her lips to test the temperature, then to mine for me to taste. It had coffee notes, curtesy of the type of chocolate I used, and was rich and velvety without being overly sweet.

“That feel doable, sweetheart?”

Not exactly, but I’d troubled her so much by freaking the fuck out that I sat up and took the mug. Kept sipping it. Let it wash down the pain in my throat.

“’m sorry,” I mumbled.

“Panic attacks are not your fault, baby.”

“No, but I… I should’ve…” heat in my face. “I should’ve gotten help f-for them—”

She placed a hand on my leg. “Sweetheart, I want you to try to stay calm, okay? Just let yourself recover. I promise, we’ll talk about this and figure it out, but right this moment, you need to let yourself calm back down.”

I nodded.

(To Be Continued)

[dovahbee]

NORMANDY SR2 INFO BOARD HOLIDAY EDITION

[NEW MESSAGES AS OF 12:09]

12:09- XO. LAWSON: Good afternoon. As all of you know, it’s the winter holiday season on earth. I would like to invite @all to the starboard deck for a cultural exchange at 14:00 for anyone interested in learning about human winter traditions.

-

REMINDERS:

- Candy canes are NOT weapons. ALSO they are a privilege, not a right.

- Mistletoe (the greenery hanging from the roof) is NOT edible.

- Mess Sergeant Gardner is dressing up as Santa Clause; if you see a man with a white beard and red clothing DO NOT OPEN FIRE.

- Menorahs are NOT edible.

- Hot chocolate is HOT. Human skin is sensitive. For the love of god, just be responsible.

-

Happy Holidays. See you there.

12:10- FLT. MOREAU: seriously

12:10- LT. TAYLOR: how stupid do you think we are?

12:10- CHF. ZORAH: yayyy happy holidays! merry christmas, happy hanukkah, joyous kwanzaa, feliz navidad, gung hay fat choy!!! am i saying those right??

12:10- GO. VAKARIAN: someone did research last night

12:10- LC. SHEPARD: goddamn it, did grunt eat another menorah?

12:11- SPEC. JACK: im pretty sure mistletoe is edible. i mean it’s a plant, right?

12:11– SPEC. MASSANI: good goddamn point

12:11- SPEC. GRUNT: will there be food other than the roof salad

12:11- LC. SHEPARD: i would like to point out— candy canes absolutely are weapons. i dropped a guy with one once.

12:11- XO. LAWSON: Not helping, Shepard.

12:11- SPEC. GRUNT: noodles please

12:11- SPEC. KRIOS: Impressive, Commander.

12:11– SPEC. GRUNT: please teach me battlemaster

12:12– LC. SHEPARD: gladly. just suck on the tip until it’s pointy then ram it in the jugular. should work for humans, turians, drell, quarians, batarians, hanar (probably?) and vorcha. it’s messy as hell but satisfying.

12:12- XO. LAWSON: That’s it. You’ve all lost your candy cane privileges.

12:12– DR. SOLUS: Wise decision. Shepard and Grunt safety hazards.

12:12- CHF. ZORAH: seriously??? You can’t punish all of us for shepard’s bloodlust

12:12- SPEC. GOTO: so let me get this straight, miri. you trust us with your life in a firefight, but not with candy canes during a Christmas party?

12:13- XO. LAWSON: a HOLIDAY party. and yes, that is correct.

12:13- LC. SHEPARD: i mean… it sorta seems fair. i trust vakarian on my six with an SR… but with a taser? absolutely not.

12:13- GO. VAKARIAN: i think LCs been shot in the head one too many times

12:13- LC. SHEPARD: not the point, numb nuts

12:13- SPEC. SAMARA: If Commander Shepard can safely operate a live firearm, she should be able to responsibly handle a sharp sucrose stick.

12:13- SPEC. GOTO: you’d think

12:13- LC. SHEPARD: i don’t know if i can. i just get this overwhelming urge to stab.

12:13- DR. CHAKWAS: Pushing your psych eval forward, LC.

12:13- GO. VAKARIAN: called it!

12:14- SPEC. MASSANI: so this party… do we get turkey dinner if we show?

12:14- SPEC. JACK: what the fuck is a turkey

12:14- XO. LAWSON: Dinner will be at 18:00, given Gardner has finished up. No turkey, just rations.

12:14- GO. VAKARIAN: Why the hell does Gardner look like that? [image.attachment_sergeant_santa_clause]

12:14- LC. SHEPARD: huh. looks like he was born for the role.

12:14- CHF. ZORAH: this seems… offensive. why did he stuff his pants and belly?

12:15- FLT. MOREAU: compensation, zorah

12:15- CHF. ZORAH: ohhhh

12:15– FLT. MOREAU: it’s not a real holiday party without booze @XO

12:15- XO. LAWSON: the LAST thing this crew needs is alcohol

12:15- LC. SHEPARD: [image.attachment_secret_candy_canes] jokes on you @XO i bought myself some on the citadel. knew you’d pull this crap.

12:15- XO. LAWSON: fine

12:15- LC. SHEPARD: this too [image.attachment_4.5L_bottle_vodka]

12:15- XO. LAWSON: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

[sirenium]

Warning: some parts of this may come off as insensitive, dark, and/or concerning on my end. I do not give a fuck about that; I've read through this multiple times, made sure to tweak things, but I'm not going to walk on eggshells anymore for the comfort of someone else right now I am so fucking tired. So if you're offended by something cold or brass that I said, leave me alone about it. Go do your self care routine and take care of yourself, but don't make it my problem. I'm autistic. I likely have ASPD and almost certainly NPD. I am going to say things sometimes that are way more mask off than what you'd expect, because neurotypicals love playing games and hiding what they fucking mean or are too scared to say what they mean in fear of harming someone's feelings. I've developed this, to an extent, because it is necessary to survive. But no, this is my blog, my feelings and thoughts, and I deserve a space to be honest for fuck's sake! Don't like that I'm not playing games? I'd suggest clicking off or scrolling by now. That said:

neurotypicals are so annoying about empathy and compassion. No Sarah, my ability to not be scarred and shaking from a gore video or a distressing audio does not make me an edgelord or a sociopath. I think it's dramatic and theatrical to put so much effort into caring about strangers, it's a weakness. But you know what I don't do? I don't go 'lol you're just soft haha' to their faces (which I've seen other people do) because that's fucking cringe. I know people react to certain things differently even if it seems fake and overemotional to me. But these people go out of their way to whine about an insensitive joke on the INTERNET or someone not being phased by something. Also, you don't know if the people making jokes are really unphased or just coping with humor, you can't just fucking psychoanalyze and armchair diagnose a random person on the internet!

(school shooting, human and animal death mention under the cut):

You don't need to piss your pants every time someone dies in order to register that the death shouldn't have happened. It's like with the latest school shooting, I don't react all that much to school shootings because wow, another one? how many useless deaths happened this time (note: useless as in it could have been easily prevented)? You know how I feel about lack of gun control? I think it's dumb! I think children shouldn't have to go to school with the fear of not coming home due to some fucker with a gun! If that makes me a sociopath to *checks notes* react logically and not emotionally to tragedies, then so be it.

The truth is that I'm just autistic. It's true that I have antisocial traits, but I'm not a 'sociopath' in the sense that people mean it. People think I'm manipulating them when it couldn't be farther from the fuckin truth, and I grew out of hurting living things so I'm not going to kick your dog to death or dismember someone's grandma. By the way, can we stop equating that word with cold blooded killer? I've been told I behave like a serial killer by a counselor for things such as separation anxiety, even compared to JEFFREY DAHMER as a teenager by a stranger online for viewing gore as a beautiful thing (I'm now painfully aware how bizarre that view is to 'normal' people, but it doesn't make me a serial killer to be fascinated by gore in such a way). Joke's on both of those people, I haven't killed anyone yet like they clearly thought I would.

I'm used to 'sociopath' being used as a word to dehumanize and demonize me and people like me. But hell is it annoying for pop psychology girlies to think everyone is sociopathic for not extending their emotions to yet another death. Death happens every day, how are you not used to it? You'd think everyone would be used to it by now, and this does not mean to lack the drive to want to change the world. But of course, the 'empath' phenomenon has done massive damage to the collective human psyche. You know the type of person I'm talking about: the 'narc/antisocial/borderline/histrionic abuse' pedaling, 'hyper empathetic' girlie who makes it their whole personality to be so kind! So caring! So empathetic and compassionate!

I hate these people. They're so all of the above until someone has a cluster B disorder or general lack of empathy. Then suddenly they aren't very caring and kind, nor compassionate with an abundance of empathy! But yes, the autist who doesn't distinguish between a human being and a Gmod NPC unless given reason is the problem, not somebody shitting on an entire group of people with personality disorders (sarcasm).

It's just irritating, and I felt like talking about it.

[overthestars-and-offtoneverland]

I have become what I sought to destroy

Alright, tangential update to this post.

So, we remember student Violet, right?

Little girl. A little feral. Likes to accuse me of being Count Olaf?

Anyway, here's a fun fact about being a teacher. You do always want your students to behave a reasonable amount. They're never going to be perfect at it because kids are learning how to human still, but you take your victories.

Here's the thing though, if the kids are behaving too well and you're not actively teaching something, you tend to get a little bored.

So, I'm walking around the room monitoring the kids' work (They were actually doing riddles and cryptograms, no joke. After homework time I can give them whatever brainteaser activity I want), and I have an expo marker. I don't really remember why.

So I pass by Violet, have a terrible idea, take the cap off the marker and kinda jokingly ask "Wanna join V.F.D?"

And the little gremlin grins at me and excitedly goes "Yeah!"

Now, I could've been the adult and told her I wasn't gonna draw on her but I got a little hyped by her reaction. So, after establishing that she's serious, I'm like "Sick! Give me your ankle!"

I give her her ankle "tattoo." We get a little psyched about being tattoo twins.

I did not think about the chain reaction this would possibly cause.

It started with one kid.

Then I jokingly said "Do you wanna get recruited?"

And they all got hyped as fuck.

When I tell you at least 12 different children volunteered without even being in on the joke...

So I "tattooed" a bunch of unsuspecting children with eye tattoos in the name of V.F.D the other day!

Somehow I have not gotten any complaints from parents or accusations that I am part of a cult.

[hanasnx]

babe it's okay bc dick grayson IS over 6 foot and he has a long cock (i saw it!!!!) 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

wishing i was his sunshine gf who he spoils rotten 💔💔💔💔💔 he always makes jokes about how he's almost a glorified sugar daddy, but you always rush to reassure him you don't care about the money (he knows lmao) and im so sorry for this but, dick grayson has a voyeurism kink, a somnophilia kink and an arm kink bc he likes it when you cling to his arm like a koala to a tree.

he always gets home late after patrol, and seeing his pretty girl in any way is what gets him going, so he just couldn't keep his hands off you. you woke to your underwear being on the ground, and with his fingers in you 🤭

he always a spends a fucking FORTUNE on you whenever you go out, but he never lets you see the price tags. like my dude RUSHES to cover them so that you don't worry your pretty little head off <3 he started doing that after you told him "if you keep spending so much on me, dickie, you're gonna be in debt by the time we've been dating for like- a year!" so he's very cautious now. can't have his pretty girl worrying about that of all things! especially when you're as rich as him, i mean, all of things he buys is barely a dent in his bank account..! as long you let him touch your pretty pussy while you sleep, wash his hair (!), and be his sunshine, he'll be fine !!!!

(im literally so obsessed w him 😓)

baaabbbeeeee stopppppp

(me when someone says “arm kink”)

behold. elite arms for your arm kink viewing pleasure courtesy of a one dick grayson

☥ i think i saw somewhere that he was canonically 5’10 and that’s good and all, still very tall like i won’t deny it. i just feel like he has crazy tall energy.. and i’m a fool for “glow ups” and growth spurt trope. like in the first season he was shorter than everyone, and then second season he’s taller than everybody like 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i can’t get enough of it. he’s got like 6’2 energy to me

☥ thank you for telling me about your headcanon kinks for him bcos i’m still trying to delve deep into his psyche over here. still trying to figure him out, my sexy little human rubik’s cube

“he likes it when you cling to his arm” is soooo real. like where other couples would hold hands, you hold his arm. feeling his muscle under your palm 🫠

☥ when he realizes you’re awake, he whispers over the wet sounds of your pussy, “shh, baby, go back to sleep… just couldn’t help myself. be done soon.” he coos, and you’re so groggy you hum in content, adjusting further into his warmth while he’s toying with you.

☥ “cant have his pretty girl worrying” PLEAKBSLWBEME

“as long as you let him touch your pretty pussy” HFSLDHSLKCJS IM SO 🔥🔥🥵‼️

the fact he’s fucking loaded fr. he doesn’t like to flaunt it really.. a silver chain for himself here, an expensive motorcycle there… he’s very cautious with it. never liked the mansion life, too big too lonely. the apartment guy, the city guy,… unless he’s with you. then he feels like he wants to step it up. especially bcos he wants to fuck you that night after your luxurious outing

[artianaiolanthe]

Vampire academy ramblings under the cut cause this was stream of consciousness while I was going on an hour of sleep on airplane; Frostbite edition

All the times Rose has to say "it's not like I wanted to sleep with Lissa" while being intensely jealous of Christian will live rent free in my head

Also again. Will never not be disappointed we lost Tasha and Rose genuine friendship because of Dimitri fucking Belikov. HE'S JUST SOME GUY YOU BOTH CAN DO BETTER

Adrian, light of my life, balm to my soul, you're the only one in this cruel world that brings me joy

Also damn they brought up just moving up guardian graduations earlier than I remembered. This is Book Two.

Also shout-out to the guy who was like "well why can't we all live in private cut off areas for protection year round" because if the Strigoi and humans don't get you than I feel like one of y'all is going to go all Jonestown on the others. Fucking weirdo.

Back to the cult dynamic note I picked up earlier where the idea of acting in their own offense is so foreign to most Moroi that they believe a very reasonable suggestion is collusion for extinction. I wanna believe they're just lazy but I think everyone needs deprogramming so badly

"Suddenly Mason seemed like a child" YES HE IS ROSEMARIE AND SO THE FUCK ARE YOU. And the age gap talk isn't helping your case either.

"Blood Whore" "Strigoi Lover" can we all just be normal about the people in the closest proximity to some of the worst suffering in this world? No? Fuck me I guess.

I know it wasn't like that but I feel like Adrian was feeling out of Rose was also a person of culture (Bi or Pan). At least to confirm Lissa isn't a romantic roval

I forgot Moroi like. Used actual spells. I thought they just element bent like they did in Avatar. Don't they???

First Adrian and Dimitri interaction is hysterical knowing they're cousins. Like on some level deep in his psyche Dimitri just looked at Adrian and his monkey brain decided "this bitch sucks" because of the resemblance. How do I cope with this?

Dimitri you can't just be calling them young girls, that makes You look like the weirdo.

I need a safe adult where's a safe adult I miss Janine--

"The Guardian Council and the Moroi Government" interesting distinction y'all got there! Not one unified government and not even a sovereign government for the Dhampirs. Fun, cool, classy.

Mason I love you but you sure know how to torch the mood.

Drinking game, take a shot every time "they come first" fucks over a plan in these books. Or don't. Alcohol poisoning is no joke

Do they not. Ask if someone wants to get molnija marks. I get it they're supposed to be an "honour" but are we ignoring the very traumatic events for the sake of a tradition.

Did no one get this bitch into therapy after this until she started hallucinating?!

[hatredmadeofgold]

Revenge with a vengeance — The tragedy of Sam and Raiden’s canon relationship dynamic

Alternate title: SamuRaiden is THAT deep, actually.

Side note by author: This essay will get an update eventually since I wrote it before playing the Japanese version of the game.

Although MGR does not have as complex or well researched character lore as the main series, Samuraiden as a relationship is a lot more complex than common fandom tropes and interpretations of their relationship suggest. I don’t mind it when people make funny/meme content about these two, since MGS/R does come with its own flair of humour, it’s very exhausting for me as well as a few others I know who enjoy this ship for it to be reduced to just that — a joke. MGR being perceived as ‘goofy’ is mainly due to how poorly some of the character lines translate from Japanese to English, as well as it being more or less evident that either budget, time or both ran out over the course of development, hence the second half of the game feels rushed and underdeveloped. In fact, the great majority of MGR fans do not understand how serious, dark, hopeless and dystopian its message really is and that is saddening.

The world isn’t black and white, neither is it in MGS/R. Sam isn’t the just the villain (never has been, by the way), Raiden isn’t the just the hero (never has been either, by the way), I’d say it’s rather “depends on who you ask”. They are on opposite sides due to the circumstances of how they meet and not because they wouldn’t get along. Quite the opposite is true, in fact, if they would have met before 2016, they might have become friends based on the fact of how much they can actually relate to each other in many different aspects of their personalities, interests and experiences.

Before we get to fight Armstrong as well as during the Sam DLC (also through very subtle hints during their first fight on the train) we learn that Sam is just like Raiden and that Desperado forced him to become a shadow of who he once was, going against his own morals and values and only Raiden reminding him of who he truly was before Armstrong defeated him 2 years prior, ultimately crushing his spirit — he had no other choice, either die there as a failure or continue to live and become Desperado’s/Armstrong’s puppet [until someone would eventually defeat Armstrong and free Sam from his never ending nightmare — Did I already mention that Sam is a really fucking tragic character?]. Sam joining Armstrong’s laughter at the end of DLC is a reaction of fear, not agreement with him or enjoyment. And if there’s one thing that both MGS and MGR are really good at, it’s the accurate and very realistic portrayal of the human psyche under stressful and traumatic situations.

On the other side we can tell from Raiden’s reaction when holding Murasama after killing Sam that he, for once in the entire damn series, questions if that was the right choice he made. We know that Raiden enjoys inflicting pain and suffering onto others, he enjoys murder — but he did not feel that way when he killed Sam. It’s quite the opposite. It’s very subtle and if you’re not very observant like me, easy to miss. But the way his voice turns a bit softer, how his eyes look listless, almost sad; he regrets it. When Blade Wolf asks Raiden if that outcome was really necessary, he does not answer him, because he knows that Wolf is right, it wasn’t. And Raiden pretty much hates himself for it. To his team he confidently says that Sam isn’t a problem anymore since he killed him, but that’s not the same Raiden that he’s that moment in the badlands (which is another implication to me that Raiden doesn’t fully trust his teammates, although they are friends; he has major trust issues and the only emotions he shares with them is either anger or amusement but nothing outside of that). The way he sheathes Murasama is a way to honour him, and as far as I remember this is a ritual to honour a samurai’s defeat or death.

I believe that there has been a silent understanding between the two swordsmen that they respect each other from the very beginning, but they do not say it out loud. This is a case of “show, don’t tell” but also something I suspect has something to do with the game being written by Japanese authors, and Japanese is a high context language, meaning, very little words are needed to get the meaning across, and I think this may also translate into the words these two exchange with each other compared to how they truly feel about the other. Besides, they probably couldn’t truly speak honestly with each other in the first place because of the unfortunate conditions of how they met and were (more or less) forced to fight each other until one of them would eventually succumb to the other’s blade. Codecs and conversations were most likely recorded by their respective employers, and I highly suspect that in Sam’s case, he was even monitored 24/7 by Desperado since he never was an official member of the Winds of Destruction in the first place, and they didn’t fully trust him either.

At the very end of the game during the fight with Armstrong, Sam’s message plays, and we can hear how Sam also speaks with a different voice to Blade Wolf compared to everyone else (and technically, indirectly to Raiden but I cannot confirm or deny that Sam was aware that Raiden would ever hear this playback), it’s a note softer; Raiden learns the truth, which confirms to him that he was right about Sam after all, that they are alike, that they respect each other, and that there was more to Sam’s story than him being a part of Desperado, he doesn’t know what exactly, but he knows now for sure that Sam was not the person he originally believed he was (and lets his team still believe he thinks that way).

Would Raiden truly say Sam’s catchphrase “Let’s dance” before fighting and ultimately killing Armstrong, if he wouldn’t have been going through a gradual process between originally hating Sam to respecting and liking him but unable to ever express that to him or anyone else?

Would he ever admit to anyone what kind of emotional impact Sam had on him, besides the anger and hatred he openly expressed towards him?

Doubt so. Highly fucking doubt so.

Because sharing his true feelings is a liability to him, and Raiden learnt as a very young child that vulnerable feelings such as sadness or guilt would be used against him, so his psyche is conditioned to discard them immediately. But Sam made him feel those things in their full extent and Raiden is fully aware of that, but he would never share with anybody that he ever felt that way about Sam.

He may or may not take those feelings to his grave.

From Sam’s side, we can only guess how he truly felt about Raiden, but we can only guess by the way he hesitated to finish him off on the train during the prologue, the way he smiled at Blade Wolf before his death (which might be likely another case of a silent understanding between Sam and Wolf that the latter would share with Raiden what he knows about Sam or the playback of their conversation itself, if not both) as well as everything he says with giving Murasama to Raiden. Of course, Sam couldn’t even say out loud to Blade Wolf or Raiden that he planned to give Raiden his sword to take down Armstrong, and he had to be as vague as possible with the information that he shared with the robot dog. Not by choice, no. Most likely because he was being watched 24/7, he knew that Desperado nor Armstrong didn’t fully trust him and if they knew about his plans, they’d make sure to finish him off before Raiden had the chance to do so. Sam knew he would die, and that it would be the only way he would ever be free from Armstrong’s grasp. So he chose suicide through Raiden’s blade, and gave him his sword to finish what he could not back then.

The game’s title is REVENGEANCE — Revenge with a vengeance.

They both translate to the same thing in my native language German, but there’s a subtle yet important difference between these two nouns.

“Revenge means when you get back at your enemy who is responsible for hurting you and vengeance is the punishment inflicted or retribution exacted for an injury or wrong.”

But it was never Armstrong who hurt or wronged Raiden in the first place, and we know he’s an essentially selfish person who does not really care all that much about politics, religion or anything like that and he only fights for himself (I wrote in my essay about Raiden’s ASPD that his motivation to save these children from becoming cyborg child soldiers is a trauma response first and his rather lose and grey morality second) and the few people he cares about, so Armstrong being the one one who ordered to get N’mani killed is not the reason Raiden went after him or was that passionate about getting revenge or retribution on him either.

It was Sam who hurt him — wounded both his body and soul during the prologue — but when Raiden got his revenge, he realised that revenge is empty, that he didn’t feel better, and that he regrets killing him, then we get to the vengeance part. From the moment Raiden held Sam’s Murasama in the badlands, he felt no more hatred towards him and the emotional impact his death had on him made Sam transition from a person he hated to one of the few people Raiden truly cares about.

Armstrong may be the villain of the story, but the person who wanted revenge on him never had been Raiden. It was Sam. Always had been Sam, because it was Sam who got hurt by Armstrong, it was Sam who wanted to get revenge on Armstrong for defeating him and crushing his spirit, it was Sam who wanted to punish Armstrong for making him into a shadow of who he once was, making Sam speak about ideals he didn’t truly believe in (like, who the FUCK even thinks that Sam truly believed a single fucking word of that, because I for sure as hell can tell he never did, he either gaslit himself into believing that for 2 years until he met Raiden or only parroted whatever the fuck Armstrong wanted him to say so he would not get killed on the spot).

Revenge and vengeance are very deep feelings and actions of hatred, feelings that are too deep and complex to be associated with morality, hence why I highly doubt that the title of the game is directed at Armstrong from Raiden’s side at all. That between Raiden and Armstrong is not nearly as personal as it has been between Sam and Armstrong. Raiden eradicating Desperado and Armstrong had been about justice [for the kids being killed and their organs sold], not revenge.

"I said my sword was a tool of justice. Not used in anger. Not used for vengeance. But now… Now I'm not so sure. And besides, this isn't my sword."

But when he says this, followed by “Let’s dance”, it became deeply personal for Raiden as well. Because he could confirm that his feelings about Sam had been right, and that Sam wanted to get revenge on Armstrong.

Raiden decides to avenge him, because Sam couldn’t get revenge himself.

Although Sam never told him directly, Raiden understood him from his actions alone, those subtle hints, reading between the lines what the other truly felt and wanted the whole time, eventually passing the “torch” — his sword — to Raiden, to finish what he could not. So while Raiden’s own reasons to finish off Armstrong were (mostly) justice for the innocent lives he destroyed and planned to continue to destroy, they also became feelings of hatred and anger — Sam’s feelings towards Armstrong.

In the end — revenge with a vengeance — is what Sam could get on Armstrong only through Raiden, after Raiden enacted his onto Sam.

Now the question is — if Raiden would’ve never killed Sam, by the chance of him recognising earlier than in canon that revenge is empty and that he won’t feel better after killing him, would Sam go by his example and abandon his revenge plans on Armstrong as well? Or would they fight Armstrong together and get justice?

We unfortunately can only speculate (or write stories about it).

What we can tell from canon though, is that Raiden’s (= Sam’s) passionate feelings of hatred towards Armstrong quickly vanish the moment he finished him off, and he looks into the camera with an empty expression, covered in blood and a crushed cybernetic heart in his hand.

And I think that is exactly what he feels — empty.

Because again, he got revenge and avenged Sam, led by what Sam felt, Sam’s feelings became Raiden’s feelings during that fight with Armstrong. But once that was gone, there’s nothing left. In the case of killing Armstrong, he doesn’t feel remorse or guilt. There’s nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Because revenge is empty.

Raiden defeated his enemies — but at what cost?

By killing Sam, he realised what he had actually lost — a potential friend (or more), someone who understood him in a way that no one else did. Perhaps he thought or felt that, if he avenges Sam, making Sam’s feelings towards Armstrong into his own, he might be able to deal with that loss better, but to no avail.

Because, and I can speak from experience as a person with the same mental health issues as Raiden, that emptiness is worse than regret.

MGR’s ending also implies that Raiden abandons his family and friends to fight his own war; essentially taking the same path that Sam once took in his past, ending up in a personal war and revenge act that knows no end, making one bad choice after the next. If Raiden hasn’t already become the villain of his own story by the end of MGR, then it’s just a matter of time until he becomes that.

And the cycle of violence continues, until the story repeats itself, over and over and over and over and over.

Did I mention already that there is a myth around Murasama being a cursed sword, that will drive its user either slowly insane or make them commit suicide if it doesn’t get a regular ‘blood sacrifice’?

—

“I really enjoy murder, but that one, that I will regret for the rest of my life.”