#however keep in mind I’m not a psychologist

[serrennedyanonwriter]

i’m curious… what’s the weirdest thing you’ve analyzed about Luis?

Not really weird since it’s a special interest of mine, but in the eyes of others it might be considered very weird. Anyways, using my one psychology class and a lot of probably overlooking things, I actually tempted to list possible mental illnesses Luis has.

[ebodebo]

Nuts And Bolts

—mechanic!ghost with psychologist!reader…MDNI

Stepping out of your office and onto the town's bustling streets, you admire the Christmas decorations the city has set up. But, it does nothing to settle your soured mood.

Simon and you had gotten into an argument the previous night, and you haven’t heard or seen him since. You assumed he went to his car garage to let off some steam, but, as his wife, why the hell were you left to wonder about your husband’s whereabouts?

To set the scene, it had been an ordinary night. You had gotten off work before Simon, so you thought you would prepare a nice dinner with a glass of red wine.

Simon swings open the door as you season some vegetables, dawning an unpleasant expression. You turned to face him, raising a brow.

“What’s the matter?” You ask, setting your tongs down to walk over to him. He simply shakes his head and heads straight for your shared bedroom.

You tilt your head and head straight towards the bedroom after him, unable to let him writhe in his agony alone.

“Simon.” You stand in the doorway, observing him as he sits on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t so much as spare you a glance, making you worry.

You make your way to him and sit on the edge of the bed next to him. “You want to talk about what you’re feeling?” You insist, making him finally look at you.

“Stop it.” He firmly states. Your eyes widen at his tone.

“What?” You ask, keeping your tone soft to avoid antagonizing him.

“You’re tryin’ to do that shit again.” He scowls, standing up to walk back through the bedroom door. You quickly follow suit as he continues.

“Trynna’ pick my brain.” He walks over to the liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of whiskey.

“Like I’m a fuckin’ patient.”

“No. I—” You intently pause, thinking. “Okay, you seem upset, stressed even.” You watch him grab a glass and pour some whiskey into it.

“Alcohol isn’t a good way to cope.” You say, adopting your signature calm voice you use on your patients.

He laughs dryly, even though the burning amber liquid coated his throat.

“And, there you go again.” He sighed, looking up at you.

“I’m trying to help you, Simon.” You insist, reaching out to gently grab his forearm, though he quickly retracts from your touch.

He lets out another dry chuckle before setting down his glass and walking to the coat rack to grab his coat. You attempt to question his whereabouts, but he fills in the space first.

“I don’t need a shrink. I need my wife.”

And, with that, he left. Leaving you to stare helplessly at the front door, not knowing where you went wrong and not knowing where to go from there.

You recounted yesterday’s events in your mind all day today, even during patient sessions. You always left your personal matters at the door, but this was different because you were genuinely dumbfounded.

Even walking out of work, you still thought about the whole ordeal. However, your thoughts were absolved when you saw the familiar mechanic shop sign out of the corner of your eye. They would be closed about now, but, knowing Simon, he would still be there.

You walk into the garage part to see a body under a truck, working on it. You delicately press the little bell, you insisted he get, on the desk closest to the doors.

“We’re closed.” God, it had only been a day, but you missed his voice.

“Even for me?” You question, feeling a little shy. He paused his movements before scooting himself out from under the truck. Your eyes shamelessly glazed over his body, looking at what he was wearing: an old white shirt covered in grease and gray sweatpants with oil marks.

“No, not for you.” He stated, the corner of his mouth quirking up as he grabbed an old rag to wipe his hands clean.

You gave him a half-smile. “Been working overtime, I see?” You try to keep your tone playful, but judging by how he slightly frowns, you can tell your voice has defiled you.

“We should talk.” He stated, with almost a cringe on his face. You nod and sit on a chair adjacent to him as he leans on the hood of the truck he was working on.

“I’m sorry.” He sighs out, clearly disappointed in himself. “Was havin’ a shitty day and brought it onto you.” You look up at him and give him a frown.

“I’m sorry, too.” He snaps his eyes to yours, a puzzled expression taking over his face.

“For what?” You gently tug on your bottom lip before answering.

“For treating you like a patient and not my husband. It’s not fair to you.” You sigh, avoiding his gaze.

“Sweetheart, look at me.” He lightly demands. You bring your head up and bring your eyes to lock with his.

“This isn’t your fault. I was bein’ a dick.” He walks over to you and reaches for your hand, which you grasp. He guides you from the chair so you’re standing before him, looking up at him.

“Are you gonna come home?” You softly question as he stares into your eyes, mentally kicking himself for making them look so sullen.

“Wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.” He says, bringing his hand up to sweep a stray piece of your hair away from your face, leaning down to kiss your lips sweetly. You could feel your skin sizzle from only a slight touch, internally sighing as he pulled away to speak.

“Should get goin’ then.” He says, walking over to the truck's hood and gently slamming it shut. “Johnny’s gonna come check the exhaust.”

“When’s he coming?” You absentmindedly ask as you watch Simon slip off his white shirt, observing his toned body.

“Eh, half an hour.” He casually says, turning away from you to walk over to the cabinet to grab a clean white shirt.

“So, we’re alone?” You question, bringing your hands up to untie the front of your blouse.

“Uh, huh.” He agrees, still rummaging through the cabinets, back towards you. You hum a sign of approval as you open your blouse, then move to unclip your bra, your breasts spilling out as soon as you do.

He finally finds a clean shirt and turns toward you, eyes widening as he sees you, chest bare. Your pulse quickens as he stares, unsure of his thoughts. When he doesn’t speak for a moment, you start to lose the confidence you had garnered.

“Is it too much?” You shyly ask, starting to feel insecure. He can’t speak; his mouth has gone dry at the sight of you. He drops the shirt in his hand and walks over to you, bringing his hand up to trace the curve of your breast.

“Fuck.” He manages to get out as your breathing becomes more ragged and your pupils dilate at the sensation.

“It’s never too much.” He answers your earlier question, cupping the bottom of your breast, making you sigh. You bring your hands up to grip his shoulders as he caresses your breast.

He leans to press a hot kiss onto your lips as he rolls your nipple between his pointer and thumb, making you moan into his mouth. He roughly grips the back of your thighs and picks you up, your legs instinctively wrapping around his waist as he hauls you over to the hood of the truck.

He hikes up your skirt and hurriedly connects his lips back to yours before kissing down your neck, gently sucking on the tender skin, making you whine. He sinks to his knees in front of you, bringing one hand up to grab ahold of your calf, raising it slightly so he can slip the heel off your foot.

Once he gets one heel off, his other hand drifts to your other foot, slipping the heel off as he plants kisses up your ankle, and calf, stopping at your mid-thigh before nipping at the pantyhose encasing your cunt with his teeth, making a tiny hole. He slightly raises his hands and uses his pointers to split the pantyhose further.

“Hey! Those were Falke.” You urge, referring to the German-made, almost three-hundred dollar silk tights he had soiled.

“I’ll buy you more.” He amends, gripping the waistband of his sweatpants and boxers, slipping them down simultaneously. His cock immediately shot up, so visibly hard. You brought your hands to gently pump him up and down as his hands went to massage your tender breasts.

He groans at the contact, gripping your breast a little firmer. You moan at that contact, pulling his cock a little firmer.

“You’re killin’ me, baby.” He chokes out, gripping the back of your neck as he roughly kisses your lips. With your hands still on his cock, you gently pull him closer by it, making him hiss as you guide it to your slit.

“I need you in me.” You whine as he brings his hand to twirl in your hair. In one swift motion, he thrusts into you. You both groan at the swift contact, even throwing your heads back.

His movements continue; over and over again, he thrusts into you, making you dig your nails into his skin, desperate for stability. You knew you wouldn't last long and could tell Simon wouldn't either. It has been only been a God-damned day, and you ached for him. Nothing but him would suffice your craving.

“So, fuckin’ good, baby. So, fuckin’ good.” He gruffly repeated, making you clamp around him tighter until you felt that familiar all-consuming euphoria you had so ached for.

As you reached your peak, Simon followed suit, coming with your name on the tip of his tongue. You were both panting, even after both of your orgasms subsided. You looked up at him as he tied your blouse back so your breasts were concealed, bra be damned.

“You did good.” You praised as he reached down to pick up your abandoned skirt from the floor.

“Yeah?” He lightly laughed out, finding humor in your statement.

“Yeah.” You nod as he grips your waist and pulls you off the hood of the car.

“Can you walk?” He questions, his hands still on your waist to help steady you as he carefully slips on your skirt.

“No. Might need you to carry me.” You sigh as you bring your hand up to fake an anguished expression.

“Uh, huh.” He rolls his eyes, though they contain no actual annoyance, as he goes to pick you up bridal style.

“Let’s get you home, Drama.”

a/n: this is the pipeline i’m here for

ur honor i’m just a girl

reblogs & comments are encouraged!

[greenglowinspooks]

The way that I’m brainrotting over a DCxDP crossover with a Danny who’s a vengeful villain rn

Like, let’s just say that the GiW finally get into contact with the JL. They need help neutralizing a threat, you see, and they’re on their last limb trying to keep civilians safe.

They have video evidence! They have studies to back their claims! The JL have to help them!

Unfortunately, the JL believe them. They join a fight against Danny, and defeat him due to being far more experienced than he is. Danny is locked away and experimented on by the GiW.

That would CHANGE a person. Your heroes turning against you and seeing you as a monster, being experimented on for who knows how long, not knowing if your friends and family are safe.

Danny gets out due to a simple mistake on the GiW’s part; having Blüdhaven as part of their transport route.

Of course the trucks were attacked, they’re government property!

So now, whoever decided to raid the government transport trucks (the Penguin or something) has a ton of experimental weapons with no idea how they work, and a heavily traumatized teenager.

Danny knows how they work. Danny can be useful! They won’t throw him out if he’s useful! And so, now Danny is working for the Penguin, altering the ectoplasm weapons to make them work on humans.

It’s a good deal for both parties. Danny gets to neurotically imprint on the Penguin like a small baby animal, and the Penguin gets a brilliant mind who will stop at nothing to achieve his goals.

But eventually, Danny finds out what happened to his family in his absence.

Jazz is in Arkham. Not as a psychologist, but as a “patient.” Apparently, she snapped and completely destroyed the house, leveled a few blocks of Amity Park, and conducted organized attacks on government bases (mostly GiW) for months.

Sam and Tucker helped her, eventually splitting once Jazz was captured. Sam travels to areas of extreme pollution, completely overgrowing them with her plant powers. Currently she’s in the Amazon rainforest, engaging in an ongoing feud with logging companies. Sam is winning.

Tucker faked his death, and Danny has no idea where he is. He only knows that the death wasn’t real because of a code that the three of them made together, just in case.

Ellie’s trapped in the Infinite Realms. Danny had a failsafe in place so that if she was ever cornered by the GiW, she would be sent to her haunt in the GZ. However, with the portal destroyed, she can’t come back. Danny just hopes she’s okay.

His parents are now top GiW scientists. They’re traveling the country giving speeches. They’re working on a battery powered by ectoplasm, but apparently started “having difficulties” around the same time that Danny escaped.

None of it is fair. None of it is right.

The Justice League destroyed his life, the lives of his friends, and they’re doing as good as ever. The GiW is respected, and his parents are happily working away for them.

Danny takes up some of his more experimental weapons and breaks Jazz out of Arkham. She’s a little different now, colder and more quiet, but she still loves him all the same. It’s an unimaginable comfort to him to see his sister again.

He can’t use his powers anymore. He’s so used to associating them with pain that even transforming into his ghost form is enough to take him down for hours.

However, he understands ectoplasm more than anyone else in the world. He knows how to use it in virtually everything; how it can become a weapon, how it can be used as a supplemental ingredient in poisons and nerve agents, how it can twist and distort the mind if applied correctly.

He doesn’t care what happens to him. He’s going to take down the GiW, and destroy the lives of the JL members who helped lock him away, just as they did to him.

No matter the cost.

[leonstoenailunderhisbed]

I just got out of my psychology class and I kept having thoughts about Leon and how his mind works. Here’s a psychoanalysis on Leon bc I truly do like how his brain works:

TW: mentions of mental illnesses, substances, substance abuse, suicide. (Guys- I am not a medical psychologist or a medical psychiatrist. This is strictly based on my psychology class, take this with a grain of salt.)

Leon suffers from Combat and Violence Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This type of PTSD (because there’s subcategories) is most often common in veterans and in men.

More often than not, one can tell when someone’s suffering PTSD (flat voice, substance abuse, inability to sleep, change in personality, etc.)

Leon in RE2/RE2R didn’t necessarily show signs of PTSD until after the events took place. Leon was too busy trying to survive that his brain shut off the emotions he was feeling “in the heat of the moment.” He was scared but it was his survival instinct that allowed him (or the player) to move forward. Hence why I think he also suffered from Depression and Acute Stress Disorder (ASD).

ASD is commonly found in patients with PTSD, ASD is kind of like the first stage after a traumatic event took place. PTSD victims often find themselves having frequent panic attacks. I think it would be safe to assume that Leon in RE2/RE2R had several panic attacks during or after Raccoon City. I don’t think he’d go to therapy/psychiatrist/psychologist because in RE4R he stated that he immediately got called to the White House after he survived RC. And this is where I think it got worse.

RE4 and RE4R both portray very distinct Leon characters. One is more “fine” than the other in short words. Leon in RE4og doesn’t necessarily show signs of having mental issues but maybe he’s just good at masking them. Leon in RE4og often finds himself being very witty or very lean back. He’s less serious but I think it’s a coping mechanism. Up to that point in his life, he’s been in very serious situations that I think this is his way of gaining some of that control he lost when the virus first started. His brain is fighting battles of being in control or letting others control him. In this case- the situation is controlling him. He wants to have that sense of individuality and most of the time this is a coping mechanism. To gain back some of the things he’s lost in the process.

In RE4R, however (and I’m going to be very bold with this one), we don’t know much about how he feels. He is flat and his demeanor is distant to an extent. I’ve noticed a few changes to him from when he first started the game to where the player made it halfway. In the beginning of the game (when he’s with the two Spanish cops) he’s similar to RE4og- sarcastic and a little unserious. Which can be guessed as his normal personality. He doesn’t really show how much he’s actually been through with those two strangers. He’s got better things to worry about- he neglects his own issues. When he tries to find Ashley and he sees the zombies again- his PTSD gets triggered and it makes him be able to pull the trigger (aside from the player lol) There are few types of reactions when PTSD gets triggered and I think Leon’s reaction is a bit depressing.

When Leon sees these zombies again, his brain automatically jumps back to the memories of Raccoon City and almost immediately finds himself back in his former self’s shoes. But he doesn’t have time to linger, he forces those thoughts away and keeps going. I don’t think he wants to have time to think about what just happened because he’s often trying to keep his brain occupied “sorry, must’ve slipped” or any other phrase he says makes me believe that he’s just trying to make himself laugh (because believe it or not, laughter really does help with mental issues) or he’s trying to make the situation seem lighter. Or maybe he’s in denial, his brain hasn’t processed that the same thing that happened in RC is happening all over again. And when you’re in denial, you are repressed. Sigmund Freud said that repression is when someone turns something (trauma, thoughts, events, feelings) away. They deliberately choose to cast their thoughts and feelings aside. Leon bottles his emotions, it’s his defense mechanism. He doesn’t smoke (as mentioned in the game) nor does he drink (there’s a Reddit post that perfectly summed it up for me) He knows substances aren’t good for you and the fact that he’s against them makes me believe that he has other ways of dealing with PTSD such as exercise. I’m not saying this just because Leon looks very built, I want to think that maybe half the reason he works out isn’t just for his job. I think it also because it helps him mentally.

Mobility, sleep, and nutrition are the most important things to keep yourself mentally and physically healthy.

I’ll get on to RE6 because in that game, he pulled a 180 imo. RE6 Leon is more empathetic. He cares about the people that could’ve survived. He suffers from survivor’s guilt. After RE4/RE4R, Leon probably became more aware of his struggles and has tried to deal with them. He’s become more human, he’s allowed himself to feel human. He’s still the same serious guy with the flat effect but he’s becoming more open about his thoughts and feelings. I think the game is trying to hint at us that MAYBE he’s getting better. (Guys this is a stretch okay. RE6 is lowkey messy)

Now on to the films (I’ve done the liberty of researching a ‘order’ of when these may have taken place and not by the release date order so you guys won’t get confused):

ID Leon: He’s very compassionate in this one. He has a sense of self righteousness but I know why. He wants to make up for the losses of the people he’s seen die. He wants to fight against the corporation and wants to end the spread (submarine scene when he talks about RC) He wants to make up for what he couldn’t save. (Hence why he didn’t give Claire the chip- he wanted to protect her because he cares for her)

Degeneration Leon: Protection can only go a long way. Leon is more… assertive in his objectives, if you will. He’s back in his RE4 days in other words (any of the two games tbh, this Leon is complex) Leon wants to keep fighting for his cause. Not only is he forced to be a soldier for the government but he also has found a drive. All his pent up PTSD and trauma has shifted into something else. If no one could’ve been the hero then HE’LL be the hero himself, does that make sense?

Damnation Leon: Haha Russia go brr (sorry) Again, he’s become more chill. When he’s with JD, he’s funny but still cautious (bc let’s be honest, JD could’ve still shot his ass) nothing much to comment, I think he’s been consistent since Degeneration.

Vendetta Leon: NOW WE GETTING JUICY. This man- this Leon is the epitome of what a relapse does to you. Leon is seen drinking away his problems. He’s relapsed back into the mentality where his brain is finally processing everything. He’s even tried to attempt suicide- that’s how bad he got. His PTSD, his ASD, depression (bc you can’t tell me he didn’t have depression) it all came back to him and it made him feel shitty. He lost his power over himself, he no longer feels useful. He feels empty and broken. That’s sh he drowns himself in his own sorrows. Because he’s learned that if you drink until you pass out, you don’t dream. He doesn’t sleep- no. He’d rather black out because when you’re in an unconscious state, you don’t dream at all. You’re simply just lying there on the floor with your eyes closed. And that’s the feeling Leon wants to feel. He wants to forget everything for one minute and just calm down. And alcohol does that to you, that’s why people with PTSD become addicted to substances.

DI Leon: homeboy somehow got better (I’ve yet to watch DI lol) but from what I’ve seen, he’s definitely back to his “normal” self. He probably learned that maybe living life is the best thing. That if his attempt would’ve succeeded, then he wouldn’t have been able to live to his fullest. Regret makes people do a lot of things and I think Leon matured and learned.

[aziraphales-library]

hey this might be kinda weird but i just got out of the psych ward and i’m really not doing great post discharge and need something to cope

i was wondering if you knew of any psych ward/mental health hospitalization au ineffable husbands fics?

thank you for these lovely fics you share <3

Here are a few fics along these lines, but please mind the tags on most of these!...

Asylum AU by ZiraD (M)

Crowley was closed in this asylum for ages after his parents sold him in a need of money with a mad doctor who did experiments on humans. This asylum wasn't like the normal ones...this was an old abandoned building. Big enough to get lost in it if you didn't pay attention and memorize your way around. One day Crowley managed to run away from his room and from that day on he's been hiding from the doctor and killing anyone who dared coming closer to him. One day a new boy was added to doctors collection which Crowley didn't know about he had a beautiful blue eyes and a pale skin with cherubic features...he looked like an angel...but one day the doctor wanted his beautiful eyes... wanted to take them out and keep them in a jar for himself and maybe use them later. But what will happen next? Is there a way for them to survive? We shall find out and see

Doubtful Hysteria by Lord_O_Googoo (T)

Is madness a divine punishment? Is wanting the vote as mad as Victorian doctors would have you believe? Aziraphale becomes invested in these questions, especially as they pertain to her new friend, Emily. Meanwhile, Crowley attempts to tempt Aziraphale to leave the wretched place behind.

I Want To Break Free by TakeItEezy (M)

Anthony Crowley, a drug addict, doesn’t like being put in a box, especially if that box included doctors and psychologists. However, Solomon Aziraphale makes him realize that this could be his chance to break free from the life he had before. But, will Aziraphale be stuck in his old life forever? Would he ever allow himself to get better?

The Protector and The Prophet by ranguvar82 (M)

Ever since he can remember, Anthony Crowley has been plagued by horrific nightmares of the world ending. His twin Anathema tries to help him, but when they are sixteen, their fanatically religious parents have him committed. Sixteen years later, a severely traumatized Crowley returns home with Ana, still plagued by the nightmare. Then a man shows up, claiming to be an angel, and Crowley's life will never be the same. Aziraphale had a deal with Heaven. Leave him alone unless it's important, and well, a True Prophet is important. The angel's not fully sure what to expect, but the brilliant, beautiful, and traumatized Crowley is definitely not it. Damn these pesky feelings.

The Secretary by tuddles (E)

Fresh out of a phycological institution, a tormented Anthony Crowley tries to deal with his issues of self abuse as he looks for his place in the world. Things take an interesting turn when he sees a vacant job opportunity to be a secretary for a local bookstore.

- Mod D

[bleue-flora]

I see him as more just annoying and stubborn, he has been selfless and empathetic before like bonding with c!dream over discs and trucing, giving the discs away to secure l'manbergs independence, protecting c!wilbur from harm, feeling horrible when c!tubbo is executed and he attacks c!techno over it, eventually admitting that he betrayed c!techno and did the wrong thing with c!tubbo, showing concern for c!quackity after he is hurt by c!schlatt, showing concern for c!wilbur and trying to stop him offing himself with c!quackity there too, not getting c!ranboo in trouble during that trial prior to exile, caring about mexican dream dying, caring about c!tubbo being hurt during that battle before staged finale, showing some concern with what c!q did to c!dream [even though he later goes to kill c!dream which is um contradictory], and realizing the pattern of violence that he had with at the end and cutting that off. But I feel we have different definitions of empathy. I feel like his empathy fluctuates in extremes, I have the same issue. I strongly disagree with cc tommy on saying c!dream is a psychopath too however. (Ik u said no more ctommy talk but I saw your post as you wanting to see proof that ctommy had empathy)

[context]

Ah I mean annoying and stubborn aren’t wrong, but I don’t think those are quite enough to encompass it. I can be annoying and stubborn and also not a repeated menace to society ya know. But yeah, thank you for the examples :) I appreciate it. So let’s look at them, keeping in mind that again no one can truly prove he has no empathy as we are not in his head, so it is an imperfect science especially for someone who isn’t a psychologist lol. All we can do is look at his behavior, tendencies, actions and words, knowing too that people with ASPD tend to not always show their true colors.

Ya know you are not the only one to mention this truce (unless you are the same anon), but I’m gonna be honest I did look a bit through the videos and didn’t find it so I’m not sure what truce you are talking about. Though a truce doesn’t necessarily prove much anyways, wanting the fighting to stop isn’t necessarily a noble or empathetic thing after starting it, is it?

When it comes to L’manberg’s Independence, this would definitely count toward him being a more selfless individual who cares for his nation except that he does it with the full intention of stealing them back as stated in this clip a few minutes later [clip] so I’m not sure it’s a huge sacrifice more just in his mind a temporary loan. He also gave the discs for a piece of land not its people per se, as well as for Wilbur and his assumption that he’s the hero of the story. He doesn’t seem to do it to make the fighting stop or spare lives. If he had done it perhaps before the war then I think that’d be somewhat different. But then again if he always planned on stealing them back then it wasn’t that big of a trade after all. In other words, he didn’t truly give them up if that makes sense.

Protecting Wilbur from harm is a pretty general statement so hard to say in which example you refer. Though I will say, Wilbur is highly manipulative so is it empathy or manipulation? Hard to say…

When it comes to Tubbo dying, to be fair, is it empathy he feels for Tubbo? Or rage at Tubbo being hurt. Those aren’t the same thing. I think Tommy doesn’t appreciate people messing with Tubbo even if he doesn’t always treat Tubbo well all the time, it’s a double standard if you will. And it’s not like people with ASPD can’t be vengeful and protective of what they love. If he had really felt empathy perhaps he would have actually stepped in to protect Tubbo. Besides he teams up with Techno later super fast easily only bringing up him killing Tubbo after he betrays Techno again, almost as if he only cares when it’s useful. Basically to continue the chocolates metaphor, one can be very upset if you stepped on their chocolate and fight you for it, without feeling empathic to said chocolate’s well-being.

Did he admit that? When?… well regardless, does that mean it’s empathy or that he wants his people back to use as weapons and resources. Hard to say without full context but, I’d be interested in the details of that and whether he needed something from them…

Hmm again hard to say if concern is the same as empathy or if concern is genuine at all or just a manipulation. For example if I text and ask someone how they are doing, and if they are okay and stuff, because I ultimately want them to drive me to the store and that’s why I texted them in the first place, does that mean I care or not. It can be, I think that can be genuine and manipulative at the same time, so it’s hard to say whether or not without being that person. One can also just pretend to be normal and empathize, which is often what most people with ASPD do. It’s often how woman get trapped in relationships with them because they may have moments when they seem empathetic or sympathetic, or connect emotionally but in reality it was them pretending to be normal. Not saying Tommy’s doing that but that that is a common thing and he could be.

I mean he cares about Mexican Dream because he was his only company besides Dream, who he hates, of course you’d be distraught if the only person around was killed. When it comes to Tubbo, he hesitates to give up the discs for his life and his reaction to hearing his best friend is about to die is kinda lackluster. He doesn’t beg Dream to spare Tubbo, there is no - ‘please, Dream, please you can’t kill him, please you can’t, I’ll do anything just please don’t do this…” instead he cusses out Dream, says he can have the discs for now and insists that Dream won’t do it. Then to Tubbo he says something about him being the sidekick which is ridiculous since Tubbo’s viewpoint and opinion constantly gets ignored as he follows Tommy around. Oh and who could forget the “what will I be without you?” Once again making himself the victim. And I don’t know about you, but none of that really seems like much care to me, certainly not empathy. Like if someone I loved was about to be killed I’d be pleading, offering to do anything to spare his life, thank the one I loved for being there and for all they did and saying how sorry I was to drag them into this…etc. But we don’t get that from Tommy. And it shouldn’t be surprising from a character who just days again made the statement of “the discs are worth more than you ever were” [clip].

Now taking credit for Ranboo is interesting and an instance that has a strong case, and I’m still not sure why he did it. It is something that bothers me because that is a moment perhaps the only moment (except the end) where he is being more selfless. I guess my only way to explain it is perhaps he felt slightly guilty or responsible for dragging Ranboo as the new member. Perhaps it is him trying to be that hero he thinks he is so does something more heroic to live up to that... I don’t know. But I’m not sure an entire span of actions noting a disregard for people is undone by a few selfless and heroic moments.

lol yea I’m not sure about that one, you mean his “what?” [clip], because I’m gonna be real I don’t think that was him feeling anything for Dream except offended by Dream’s accusation that he “wanted it to happen” but then again he doesn’t deny it so…. But yea sorry ain’t no way that counts for anything.

‘Realizing the violence cycle and cutting it off?’ I mean…. Come on, you mean the 5 seconds before a nuke went off? Because like meh… technically you have a case for his self sacrifice for being the distraction for the nuke going off, but he didn’t stop the cycle of violence the nuke did lol. And even if he did I’m still not sure that’s a moment we can consider empathy or behavior counteracting ASPD tendency.

Perhaps we do have a different definition of empathy and it’s actually something that’s rather complicated. For example, autistic people often seem unempathetic but this is not true, we just don’t express or feel it the same way (I’ll talk about this later ;D) On the other hand, like I said too we can’t really know for sure if someone is being empathetic without being inside their head, but what we can look at is if their behavior and actions showcase them as being empathetic.

Just to be on the same page I guess, the definition by Merriam-Webster of empathy is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” For example, me crying while watching a movie because I’m connecting with the character and feeling the pain and loss they feel. That is empathy, but it doesn’t always show up as tears or is obvious at all. Still, you can look at whether someone’s actions reflect that they feel other people’s pain. And I just don’t think Tommy’s behavior depicts that, especially the lack of remorse, apologies or efforts to make amends afterwards. It just doesn’t seem to me like he cares that he hurt someone, he doesn’t seem to feel for them. Hell, I’m not even sure he sympathizes with them, though perhaps some of these moments if taken as genuine could be more so instances of sympathy, in which case people with ASPD can do, even if rare.

[lunarsilver]

What awaits you in December?

As always, choose the picture or number you feel most drawn to.

REMEMBER

I’m not a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist nor a psychologist. Tarot readings will never replace meetings with them.

It’s a general reading, so not everything will resonate.

If you can’t choose between two piles, probably both of them have some messages for you. You can also not identify with any of them and that’s okay too.

Readings can help you make a decision, but they shouldn’t be the main reason of making it.

1 ~ 2 ~ 3

PILE 1

Theme (Major Arcana only): The Lovers – Back of the Deck: The Empress

More info: Ace of Pentacles (R) – Ace of Cups (R) – The Fool – Back of the Deck: Seven of Swords (R)

Oh man, so many cards related to new beginnings!

The theme of your December will be relationships and feminity (regardless of your gender). The deck I used for this part of the reading futures characters from a certain game – both of them are young girls being in touch with who they are and what they want (maybe some of you play Genshin Impact and Barbara or Fischl are somehow special for you). There’s this stepping into your power and embracing who you are. Even if some may think your hobbies or how you express yourself is weird or cringe, there is also a lot people out there that would adore you and appreciate what you do for them.

As I said at the beginning, the second part of the reading kinda shocked me, literally all of the cards except the one at the back talk about some sort of a new start, pretty straightforward. This December is a whole new beginning, why wait for the new year. Be careful, there’s some chance you can miss if you won’t act. Plan ahead. There will be some looking into yourself, understanding your emotions. Do you have an imposter syndrome? There will be harder moments, but The Fool heralds a new beginning, stepping into your power and having fun with discovering new things. Seriously, getting to know yourself better and embracing it just keeps popping up. A truly „stop cringing, embrace the cringe” message.

Kinda an afterthought, but your relationships with family can be important, most likely with your parents and/or siblings, especially with your (older) sister.

PILE 2

Theme (Major Arcana only): Death (R) – Back of the Deck: The World

More info: Queen of Wands (R) – Three of Pentacles – Five of Pentacles – Back of the Deck: Knight of Wands

Looks like you will experience some blockages and stagnancy, but it’s also pretty clear this December is all about your inner self: seeking closure and inner transofrmation. It isn’t really about outer world, more about you yourself. Maybe some of you will feel a little stuck in your spirituality or disconnected from your ancestors/spirits. In case any of you plays Genshin Impact, I used a deck with characters from it for this part of the reading and the ones on your cards are Hu Tao and Paimon, maybe they’re somehow significant to you.

Now, going more into details – we have Wands and Pentacles here, fire and earth. Do you plan to visit some older building, all in white and beige, maybe abandoned, full of plants? Pretty specific, but it came to my mind when I was looking at the pictures of the Pentacles cards, they have both a pretty similar vibe, calming and kinda mysterious. A museum? Renaissance vibes.

Yeah, this Queen of Wands in reverse? That’s what I was talking about earlier, you concentrate energy on yourself now. You may spend more time alone, to understand yourself better. However! It doesn’t mean you won’t have people around you, after all we have two cards from the Court here. You will work on some project together. Remember about clear communication with each other. Nearer the end of December you can have some struggles; save some money for sure, and remember to have reliable people around you. You know, if you ever feel lonely, remember it’s always temporary. Knight of Wands says you’ve got it! You have this passion and determination, pile 2, you can do this! Oops, the Knight slided out of the pile and The Lovers showed up from under it. So, there was this feeling in me that for some of you The Knight can actually represent someone else that will be important for you during December, and I feel like these Lovers kinda confirm it. Some bond, maybe? As if this Knight was about to bring a precious relationship, you are the queen and someone else is the knight – for some, of course. Alternatively, it’s a confirmation of my words: you will do it. Some choices are to be made, and you have the fire in you to make it.

PILE 3

Theme (Major Arcana Only): The Tower – Back of the Deck: Justice

More info: The Hanged Man – King of Pentacles – Six of Swords – Back of the Deck: Knave of Wands (R)

Okay, guys, some major, sudden change, a big event or process that can be hard for you to handle. After The Tower usually something better comes to us, so keep it in mind when it won’t be easy for you. This change is related to what Justice represents: clarity and truth, cause and effect, Justice doesn’t take anybody’s shit. Whatever it is, justice will be served. For some, it can be more literal, be about law. For others, maybe someone who treated you unfair or bullied you is going to deal with the consequences. If you feel like you can be the bad guy in someone’s scenario, it’s time to change. Wow, sorry for being so serious here, just gotten into this mood after seeing the cards. In case any of you plays Genshin Impact, I used a deck with characters from it for this part of the reading and the ones on your cards are Raiden Shogun and Jean, maybe they’re somehow important to you. Some problems with keeping balance in your life?

Moving on, the beginning of this December is about letting go, stopping for a moment, reflecting, looking from a different perspective. It looks like you will be in your power, pile 3! Money, work – you have this under control. Maybe you will be some kind of a leader. Working on some passion project? There’s this stability and reliability in you, even thought different things can be frustrating. Remember to be patient. The end of the December will bring you a transition of some kind, leaving something behind – probably The Tower will be in ruin by now and you will start something new, better than what this Tower was. We have here Major Arcana, Pentacles, Swords and Wands, we only lack Cups (I actually saw a reversed King of Cups while shuffling but it didn’t pop out) – this can signalize a disconnection from feelings. Remember to give yourself some time to think about why you feel a certain way.

[waterfall7290]

Understanding Jeremy: an empathetic and psychological analysis of Jeremy Wade Delle - and the people who loved him

PLEASE NOTE: This article is intended for people who already possess a general knowledge of Jeremy Delle’s life events. I wouldn’t recommend reading it before having learned about his life, because I will be jumping from one event to the other and it will be difficult to keep track of everything if you don’t know what I’m referring to.  If you want to get a more-than-general idea of Jeremy’s life, you can visit jeremywadedelle.com.  

I never met Jeremy nor am I a psychologist, yet I have studied psychology and I have learned in great detail all that was made public (and not) about Jeremy. This is basically a sum-up of everything I have learned about his psychology and about his loved ones during my almost four years of researching and writing No more “Later Days”; other than the things I have learned in my own personal experiences with both adults and teenagers.

I will try to be as chronologically linear as possible, but since several topics are crisscrossed with each other (meaning multiple topics have multiple links to events from both Jeremy’s earlier and later years), this article will be divided in theme sections more than age/years sections. 

For its writing, I consulted the following sources: a multitude of scientific articles and websites (only parts relating to Jeremy were quoted, although a link to the full article was always provided); jeremywadelle.com, ssheps.com, thejeremystory, the 1991 police report, screenshots I have gathered over the years with information and claims made by people who (supposedly) really met Jeremy - I use the term ‘supposedly’ a lot because everything about Jeremy is true until proven otherwise, which why I very warmingly invite anyone who actually knew Jeremy to contact me and help me confirming or debunking the info in my possession. 

In addition, I have used the information Ash shared with me contained in the emails exchanged between him and Chris; plus a seven-pages-long September 1990 letter Jeremy wrote to Chris.

ABOUT THIS LETTER: the entire communication happened between Ash (admin of jeremywadedelle.com) and Chris from Austin. Chris came out of nowhere one day sharing information he had about Jeremy: he talked very in detail about him and his loved ones and he did it in a very transparent, not glorifying or victimizing way (usually, when people make up info about Jeremy, they have very black-and-white views of him and his loved ones); he also scanned a seven-pages-long letter Jeremy had supposedly written to him in September 1990 and explained its contents to Ash. Unfortunately, Chris disappeared before Ash could get a chance to talk to him on Google Meet. He never got explicit permission from him to share the new info and didn’t know how to feel about the truthfulness of the letter. Since I’m his moderator, he shared these contents with me to ask me for my opinion.  To Ash, Chris' disappearance is really strange, which makes him doubt Chris was real. However, Chris knew many things about Jeremy and even knew the name of Jeremy’s sister, which is something only few people know. Still, why would he disappear into nothing just like that? Perhaps the topic was too hurtful. Or it could be that maybe Chris never really existed, but who in their right mind would come out of nowhere to produce a fake suicide letter and a fake seven-pages-long letter in order to fuel a very very niche topic that, after thirty years, almost nobody talks about anymore?  I didn’t really know what to think of it until I decided to compare the writing on the infamous “Later Days” note Jeremy wrote to Lisa and the writing on both the suicide letter and the letter Jeremy had supposedly sent to Chris… and they matched. The way of writing certain letters is the same, the handwriting is the same. So the letter must be real.  I would really like to share it, or at least share the most interesting parts of it (together with the handwriting comparison I made), but Ash made me promise not to do it because the letter is very personal and we never received explicit permission from Chris, while he did give me permission to share what Chris had told him via email.   Perhaps one day we will receive permission to share the letter, or maybe Ash will simply decide to share it himself (which would be right, since he was the one the letter was scanned for). I hope so. 

Until that day, here is the result of my extensive research on the Jeremy matter. Hopefully it will help people to look at the events from different perspectives and produce a less judgemental and black-or-white opinion of both Jeremy and his loved ones. 

AN UNSTABLE FOUNDATION: JEREMY’S CHILDHOOD BETWEEN HOMES, SCHOOLS AND A SPLIT FAMILY

1975 - Jeremy was born and lived in house 1 with his parents Joseph and Wanda and his older sister for a few years before his parents separated when he was four (1979). According to thejeremystory and to Mr. Delle's statements from the 1991 police report, the divorce must not have been easy or peaceful.

From The Jeremy Story (‘1. Early Years’, section ‘1979’): “May 23 - Joseph files for divorce from Wanda, claiming conflict of personalities that prevents reconciliation”;  From the 1991 police report (pages 15-16 of the PDF): “I advised Mr. Delle that I was going upstairs to confront Mrs. Crane, his ex-wife. He said that she would become hysterical and that I would not be able to control her, that if you looked up hysterics in the dictionary, that’s where she’d be. He said that he would tell her, but he did not want to have to deal with her at this time. [...]”

It is very likely both Jeremy and his older sister may have seen their parents argue multiple times. I wouldn't be surprised if after the divorce, both parents badmouthed the other parent in front of the children: this happens very frequently when a divorce isn't peaceful.

1979 - Joseph went to live in another house and remarried shortly after, only six months after divorcing Wanda. From an outside perspective, it could seem that Mr. Delle was very quick to rebuild another life and ‘forget’ about his previous one - at least that’s what it must have looked like in the eyes of his children, I believe.

From ssheps.com (‘Jeremy Wade Delle’, section ‘Robert B.’, ‘From Shelly:’): “All he [Jeremy] ever wanted was attention, as he didnt get much at home.", "His mom basically abandoned him and his dad was no Saint either. In fact he was too wrapped up into his new wife to notice what was going on with Jeremy.".  From a comment a friend of Jeremy from Timberlawn left on Findagrave: “[...] you’re parents [...] were to busy with worrying about their own lives. [...] I hope your parents have become better people today and not so into themselves anymore.” They later corrected themselves: “I spoke in the wrong [...] I have carried the displeasure of how ya’ll acted as parents back then but [...] I know now that no matter how hard we try to keep our kids safe as parents that our kids will do what they want to do no matter what we do.” From the 1991 police report (page 23 of the PDF): “Mrs. B advised Delle had told students that his father did not pay attention to him." This last comment was doubted by me in this post.  From the 1991 police report (page 25 of the PDF): “Mr. Delle also advised Jeremy had had problems dealing with the divorce of he and his wife and had sought counseling for depression.”

     What are the psychological effects of a conflictual divorce on the children? Here’s what several studies found.

     From https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/children-high-conflict-divorce-face-many-challenges: “[...] children may be battered and injured by factors that are directly or indirectly associated with the divorce: reduced parenting time with one or both parents; financial instability; relocation, which involves changing schools and losing friends; and the inconvenience of traveling between the parents’ homes. Both clinicians and forensic evaluators know that the single most important factor that harms children of divorce is continual conflict between the parents. Children are damaged when their parents fight in front of them, over them, and through them. [...] Many children of divorce have transitory symptoms, which may take the form of excessive worrying, sadness, anger, oppositional behavior, impaired social relationships, and compromised school performance. These symptoms may occur when the child initially learns his or her parents plan to divorce, when the parents argue excessively, when the parents separate, and when important changes occur in the child’s life, such as moving to a new neighborhood. The typical diagnosis is one of the adjustment disorders (eg, adjustment disorder with anxiety). [...] If the external stressors––especially, high conflict between the parents––continue for an extended period, the child’s symptoms may become internalized and develop into a more serious mental condition. Typically, the symptoms cluster to take the form of an anxiety disorder, a depressive disorder, or a somatic symptom disorder. [...] Regarding possible DSM-5 diagnoses, major depressive disorder and suicidality may develop in a child who grieves the loss of his previous family life or the loss of time with the noncustodial parent. If the child fears the loss of the custodial parent, he may develop separation anxiety disorder. [...] A serious consequence of high-conflict divorce is parental alienation, a mental condition in which a child closely allies with parent A and refuses to have a relationship with parent B without a good reason. [...] Parental alienation comes about as a result of 3 interacting and mutually reinforcing factors: Parental alienation usually occurs in the context of a high-conflict separation or divorce, although the seeds of parental alienation may have been sown when the family was still intact; Almost always, the preferred parent, also called the alienating parent, has indoctrinated or brainwashed the child to fear or dislike the rejected parent; Although clearly influenced by the alienating parent, the child adopts and internalizes the campaign to criticize, insult, and denigrate the alienated parent [...].” 

From https://harbormentalhealth.com/2021/10/29/effects-of-divorce-on-childrens-mental-health/: “Some researchers suggest that the significant differences between children of divorced and non-divorced parents are not the result of separation or divorce per se, but a consequence of the reduced social support from parents and the children’s perception of the destructiveness of interparental conflict. Social support means having friends and other people, including family, to turn to in times of need or crisis to give you a broader focus and positive self-image. [...] many kids seem to bounce back. They get used to changes in their daily routines and they grow comfortable with their living arrangements. Others, however, never really seem to go back to “normal.” This small percentage of children may experience ongoing—possibly even lifelong—problems after their parents’ divorce. Emotional effects of divorce on children’s mental health: Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the entire family, but for kids, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating: Young children often struggle to understand why they must go between two homes. They may worry that if their parents can stop loving one another that someday, their parents may stop loving them; Grade school children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They may fear they misbehaved or they may assume they did something wrong; Teenagers may become quite angry about divorce and the changes it creates. They may blame one parent for the dissolution of the marriage or they may resent one or both parents for the upheaval in the family. [...] Divorce usually means children lose daily contact with one parent—most often fathers. Decreased contact affects the parent-child bond and researchers have found many children feel less close to their fathers after divorce. One of the other effects of divorce on children’s mental health is a child’s relationship with the custodial parent—most often mothers. Primary caregivers often report higher levels of stress associated with single parenting. For some children, parental separation isn’t the hardest part. Instead, the accompanying stressors are what make divorce the most difficult. Changing schools, moving to a new home, and living with a single parent who feels a little more frazzled are just a few of the additional stressors that make divorce difficult. Financial hardships are also common following divorce. Many families have to move to smaller homes or change neighborhoods and they often have fewer material resources. [...] The addition of a stepparent and possibly several stepsiblings can be another big adjustment. And quite often both parents re-marry, which means many changes for kids. Mental Health Problems: Effects of divorce on children’s mental health may increase the risk for mental health problems in children and adolescents. [...] studies have also found depression and anxiety rates are higher in children from divorced parents. Behavior Problems: Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. Poor Academic Performance: Children from divorced families don’t always perform as well academically and tend to have trouble with the school if the divorce was unexpected, whereas children from families where the divorce was likely didn’t have the same outcome. Risk-Taking Behaviors: Adolescents with divorced parents are more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as substance use and early sexual activity. According to research, in the United States, adolescents with divorced parents drink alcohol earlier and report higher alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and drug use than their peers. Adolescents whose parents divorced when they were 5 years old or younger were at particularly high risk for becoming sexually active prior to the age of 16.

Separation from fathers has also been associated with higher numbers of sexual partners during adolescence.” From https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/p3.html: “There was some evidence that changes in discipline as a result of divorce led boys, especially, to be less compliant with parental commands than children in intact families. Emery summarized that parents involved in conflict with each other are probably poorer models, are more inconsistent in their discipline, and place more stress on their children.”.      From https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/p2.html: “Jacobson (1978) [...] found that the greater the amount of time lost with the father since the marital separation, the greater the maladjustment of the child in areas such as aggression and learning disability. Peterson and Zill (1986) analyzed data from National Surveys of Children in the United States, gathering information about 2,301 children. [...] A child living with a parent of the opposite sex was especially prone to problem behaviour, according to Peterson and Zill. [...] Kelly and Wallerstein (1977) examined, in 60 divorcing families, the visiting patterns of children with their non-custodial parent. In general, younger children between the ages of two and eight saw their non-custodial parent more frequently than did older children. Half of the older children aged nine to ten experienced erratic or infrequent visiting or no visiting at all. The response of the older children to the divorce was anger. The authors concluded that infrequent visiting correlated with a destructive visiting pattern. [...] In a more recent book, Wallerstein concluded that the children of divorce suffer most in adulthood: The impact of divorce hits them most cruelly as they go in search of love, sexual intimacy and commitment. Their lack of inner images of a man and a woman in a stable relationship and their memories of their parents' failure to sustain the marriage badly hobbles their search, leading them to heartbreak and even despair (Wallerstein et al., 2000). [...] Other studies have indicated that wives who have divorced bear a greater economic burden. In general, they are worse off economically than their former husbands are (Espenshade, 1979).” 

1980 - Jeremy, now five, moved to house 2 and began attending school 1 (Kindergarden).

1983 - Joseph divorced his second wife.

1984 - Wanda remarried, marrying Mr. Crane, when Jeremy was nine. They went to live with Jeremy and his sister in house 3. I do wonder if they lived alone or if the other children of Mr. Crane lived there as well, as it appears he had two other sons (one of them a teenager at the time) from a previous marriage. If they all did live together, Jeremy must have found it even harder to receive the attention he needed, but I am inclined to think Mr. Crane’s sons lived with their mother just like Jeremy and his sister lived with their mother after their parents’ divorce.

Anyway, Jeremy was now attending school 2 (elementary). If you are a child and you feel like your parents aren’t giving you enough attention and love at home, where are you going to look for those? Outside, naturally. However, if you are a child who really needs love and attention you’re probably going to get attached to anyone who shows even the minimal interest in you - the reason for which every abandonment you will then live, from that moment onwards, will hurt you more than the same thing happening to, say, someone who grew up in a stable and loving home instead. 

This attachment theory was confirmed by Chris in one of the emails exchanged with Ash: 

"Jeremy was a really, really, genuine and sweet person. He attached to people - probably a little too easily, too hard...and was like the most loyal of dogs (I don't mean that in a negative connotation whatsoever.) He was always down to do whatever the plan de jour was, he was just happy to be getting to spend time with "you." He wanted to make those around him happy by his wit, humor, antics, etc.”

1986 -  Eleven-year-old Jeremy moved to house 4 and went back to attending school 1 (but now in elementary). That would mean changing four homes in seven years and three schools in six years, though the last three houses were only ten driving minutes from each other. 

What are the psychological effects of frequent moving and changing schools on child development? Here’s what several studies found.

     From https://achieveconcierge.com/how-does-frequently-moving-affect-children/: "Stability is the keyword here, meaning that kids will generally know what to expect from their day-to-day activities. It also means they feel secure in their relationships, health, and safety. [...] According to the Institute for Family Studies, stress due to repeated transitions can undermine a child’s sense of control over their life. Parents may also feel this and begin to suffer from mental health issues, affecting their ability to parent and instill a sense of security and trust in the child’s life. In turn, the child may develop their own emotional, social, and academic deficits. Children can also experience learned helplessness, meaning that, as a result of prior stressful experiences, they come to accept and remain passive in negative situations that they have the power to change. The implications of this on future decision-making can be detrimental. [...] Regardless of age, gender, and education level, the likelihood of reporting lower life satisfaction, psychological well-being, and quality social relationships during adulthood was higher in persons who frequently moved as a child. Researchers also discovered that introverts and those with neuroticism [Neuroticism is a core personality trait characterized by emotional instability, irritability, anxiety, self-doubt, depression, and other negative feelings] fared worse when it came to moving repeatedly. Persons who hold these personality traits tend to have a difficult time forming new relationships and managing stressful situations. [...] Moving is a stressful and burdensome process, and multiple relocations during early childhood and adolescence are associated with increased psychiatric visits and hospitalizations. Some children may become withdrawn and depressed."      From https://www.jstor.org/stable/2673244: “Children who have moved an average or above-average number of times are not significantly harmed if they reside in families in which both biological parents are present; however, for children in other family structures, any move is associated with an adverse school life.”      From https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2010/06/moving-well-being: “The researchers also looked to see if different personality types – extraversion, openness to experience, agreeableness, conscientiousness and neuroticism – affected frequent movers’ well-being. Among introverts, the more moves participants reported as children, the worse off they were as adults. This was in direct contrast to the findings among extraverts. “Moving a lot makes it difficult for people to maintain long-term close relationships,” said Oishi. “This might not be a serious problem for outgoing people who can make friends quickly and easily. Less outgoing people have a harder time making new friends.”      From https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-98-6-980.pdf: “Previous research has shown that children who move frequently tend to do poorly in school and report more behavioral problems (Adam, 2004; Jelleyman & Spencer, 2008). Adolescents who moved frequently as children are more likely to smoke, consume alcohol, and attempt suicide (Dong et al., 2005).”      From https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306460398000239: “Results showed highly significant positive relationships between moving and early initiation of illicit drugs including marijuana [...]. Relationships between moving and measures of alcohol use/problems (onset of first drink, onset of any alcohol-related problem) were either weak or nonsignificant. Important sex differences were found, with statistically significant relationships between moving and early drug use initiation and progression occurring primarily among males.”

Picture it: you’re a child who quickly learns that nothing is forever, because the two most important people in your life, your parents, divorce (badly). From that moment on, you move houses and schools several times, but you barely have the time to get accustomed to or feel safe in your new home, or to make friends at the new school, that out of nowhere you’re forced to move or change schools again. The internet doesn’t exist yet (or at least not as we know it) and the only ways you have to keep in contact with friends is either by letter or phone. You can meet each other, of course, but you’re both just children and you can’t hop on a bus by yourselves, so you strictly have to depend on your parents’ availability. In the meanwhile, you can send letters, which take days or weeks to arrive, or you can call, which is immediate, but then what? You’re not as hyper connected as we are today: in a certain sense, after the call ends, you’re on your own again and the other person stops existing until you call or receive a letter from them again. 

But what if you’re lucky enough to find a friend you can keep, in spite of it all? What if you find someone who loves you for who you are and with whom you can be yourself; a best friend who probably feels like family, a sibling, that one stable presence in your life you so badly needed? Apparently, Jeremy was lucky enough to find one. 

1987 - Jeremy began attending school 4 (middle school).

From jeremywadedelle.com (‘Early life’): “Sept 1987 – Mid 1988 - Jeremy starts grade 7 [...]. He fails grade 7 and has to repeat the school year."

A MAJOR TRAUMA: THE TRAGIC LOSS OF A BEST FRIEND

(around) 1988 - Jeremy's best friend Mike died, supposedly in a car accident. This left a great scar on him.

From Jeremy's September 1990 letter addressed to Chris: “It’s almost unreal how close I feel to you. I thought there could never be another Mike. You’re not really a Mike but you’re a good close friend. It’s been 2 ½ years since I’ve told a guy my age I care about him a lot.” 

In one of the emails exchanged with Ash, Chris explained: 

“Oh, and Mike - who he'd said that he didn't think there would ever be another of. That was his best friend (verified by his parents. Mike was a very real person) who had been killed in Mexico a couple of years earlier. Car accident I think, or maybe he got hit as a pedestrian? Again...it's been 30 yrs. But he talked a lot about the loss of Brian [Likely a typing mistake] and how close they'd been since kindergarten (I think). But that was a pretty rough blow to him.”

I supposed that Jeremy was indeed referring to Mike when he claimed that it had been 2 1/2 years since the last time he had told a guy his age how much he cared about him. This would mean that, given the letter was written in September 1990, if the person Jeremy was referring to was indeed this Mike, he must have died around the spring of 1988, exactly when Jeremy was attending seventh grade, which may be the reason why he failed it. Naturally these are only suppositions, but it is important to state that before Chris, nobody had ever mentioned Mike, though one person on ssheps.com had spread a similar rumor, more than ten years earlier:

From ssheps.com (‘Jeremy Wade Delle’, section ‘Mary N.’): "I live here in Richardson and I have had two daughters graduate and one there right now. I have heard from older mothers that have been around that the reason Jeremy was having problems is because he had a good friend who drowned in white rock lake one night while a group of friends including Jeremy were playing football on the banks. Supposedly Jeremy was dealing with the guilt of not being able to save him. I do not know how true this is but it might be something to look into."

I’m not inclined to believe rumors, but given Chris’ testament, I think there may be some form of truth behind it.

     Take this new trauma and dump it on the shoulders of a pre-teen who has already gone through the traumatic instances I mentioned. His brain is still developing, therefore it’s lacking appropriate emotional and psychological resources to deal with all of this; he also grew up in a household in which, because of internal conflicts, his parents were unlikely able to teach or show him appropriate ways to deal with emotions and problems.

The thoughts and feelings that are going to arise in him as a result of this latest trauma are an unimaginable amount of grief followed by the overwhelming feeling that he will never be able to find anyone who will make him feel as safe and accepted as his best friend - his source of stability - did. He’s going to feel a huge void, a big missing part of him that he has no idea how to fill… not to mention an inconceivable amount of guilt if, perhaps, this best friend really did die in an accident where Jeremy was present but was unable to save him, like the rumor reported by Mary N. suggested. 

     And how do emotionally unskilled people fill voids? In what way can the brain develop as a consequence, in such a young and fragile age? Well, it’s not hard to imagine: there would very likely be behavioral issues, such as the development of a personality or mood disorder, perhaps. If there were several instances of being abruptly separated from loved ones who served as an important source of stability, the result would probably be the development (or most likely the accentuation) of some important form of fear of abandonment, which can manifest itself in being possessive of other people (namely the ones with which a closer bonds is formed, like a girlfriend) and in easily and excessively idealizing and attaching to new people; not to mention that one could very likely find quick, unhealthy and irresponsible ways to deal with the pain - like smoking, drinking alcohol or doing drugs. Jeremy indulged in all of these behaviors, behaviors which are very typical of a personality disorder he was rumored to have been suffering from, though there was never an official diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder was long thought to be diagnosable only from eighteen years of age, though recent studies have shown it can start to manifest itself in people as young as eleven years old. I will describe BPD in detail when I will talk about Jeremy’s first relationship with Nancy when he was fourteen years old.

     For now, I will limit myself to reporting what several studies found about the effects of bereavement on the psychology of children and teenagers: 

     From https://psykologisk.no/sp/2015/03/e5/: “Having relationships with and being attached to others is important for human beings, and young people, especially, invest a lot of energy in being included, and being part of a group (Coleman, 2011). During adolescence and through young adulthood there is a shift with decreasing parental support and increasing support from friends (Margolese, Markiewicz, & Doyle, 2005). The importance of friend relationships during adolescence and young adulthood would predict that losing a close friend at this age could be a life-changing experience (Balk, Zaengle, & Corr, 2011; Ringler & Hayden, 2000). Experiencing a loss could lead to growth and maturity, but may also interfere with normal developmental tasks and impede function (Doka, 2000; Neimeyer, Laurie, Mehta, Hardison, & Currier, 2008). Young girls have a closer relationship with their friends than boys do, with higher levels of both intimacy and peer support (Coleman, 2011; De Goede, Branje, & Meeus, 2009; Malone, 2012; Markiewicz, Lawford, Doyle, & Haggart, 2006), predicting stronger grief reactions in girls. [...] Previous studies have also found that for some the loss of a friend can result in more severe grief reactions than the loss of an extended family member (Holland & Neimeyer, 2011; Pfefferbaum et al., 2000; Servaty-Seib & Pistole, 2006–2007). [...] Bereavement following violent losses (accidents, homicide or suicide) increases the risk for complicated grief, thereby causing greater distress (e.g., Currier, Holland, & Neimeyer, 2006; Hardison et al., 2005; Lobb et al., 2010). [...] when comparing the scores of friends with those of close family members (bereaved parents and siblings) in our study, we found as high, and sometimes higher, scores in friends (Dyregrov, Dyregrov, & Kristensen, 2014). Among friends, 83% were in the risk zone for complicated grief [...]. In particular, friends had reactions like longing and not being able to accept the loss, and had high levels of intrusive thoughts and avoidance symptoms. Many reported feelings of unreality and experienced traumatic reminders. In addition, they reported feelings of depression and worry, and had relatively high scores on suicidal ideation.”      From https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8794619/: “Childhood bereavement is associated with a range of mental and behavioral health problems, including depression (Cerel et al., 2006), posttraumatic stress reactions (Keyes et al., 2014), substance use (Kaplow et al., 2010), suicide-related behaviors (Guldin et al., 2015; Hill et al., 2019), decreased academic performance (Oosterhoff et al., 2018), and impairments in developmental tasks (Brent et al., 2012). [...] Criteria for PGD [Prolonged Grief Disorder] as per the ICD-11 includes “persistent and pervasive longing for and/or persistent preoccupation with the deceased, accompanied by any of the 10 symptoms that indicate intense emotional pain (e.g., sadness, guilt, anger, denial, blame; difficulty accepting the death; feeling one has lost a part of one’s self; an inability to experience positive mood; emotional numbness; difficulty in engaging with social or other activities) for at least six months following bereavement” (WHO, 2018). [...] Intense emotional pain in youth may be motivated by frustration and anger about feeling deprived of the deceased person’s help in responding to their developmental needs [...]. [...] In older children and adolescents, separation distress may sometimes take the form of a wish to die or fantasies of dying (i.e., suicidal ideation). These wishes reflect an intense desire to be reunited with their loved one and, depending on their own spiritual beliefs, may serve, in their own mind, as a means of overcoming the painful physical separation from their loved one (Kaplow et al., 2012; Kentor & Kaplow, 2020).

Developmental slowing may appear in adolescence as the avoidance of forming age-appropriate future aspirations, such as career and family goals (Kaplow et al., 2012; Layne et al., 2017). [...] Both children and adolescents may express discontinuity in identity as shame or embarrassment surrounding the loss, as they may now feel different from others and subsequently self-conscious (e.g., I’m different from other kids because I don’t have a mother anymore); however, this manifestation may be more salient in older children and adolescents due to their increased prioritization of peers combined with the critical developmental task of identity development during this time (Brown & Larson, 2009; Kroger, 2006). Similarly, existential or identity distress can result in fears related to getting close to others or forming new relationships (e.g., I don’t want to feel the pain of losing someone ever again) (Saltzman et al., 2017). Loss-related existential or identity crises may also manifest in adolescents as extreme risk-taking or recklessness, tempting fate, indifference to one’s safety or well-being (‘‘I don’t care if I live or die’’), and feeling like life is meaningless (“its’s not worth trying” or “nothing really matters anymore”; Kaplow et al., 2012, 2013; Layne et al., 2017). [...] The nature of the relationship to the deceased is also important, as research shows relationships with the deceased that were close, supportive, and confiding are associated with an increased risk of maladaptive grief symptoms (Lobb et al., 2010). Additional research has found that adolescents who experienced the death of a friend had significantly higher maladaptive grief symptoms than those who experienced the death of a grandparent, and emotional closeness to the deceased was a positive predictor of maladaptive grief reactions regardless of the relationship to the person who died (Servaty-Seib & Pistole, 2007). [...]       From https://scholarworks.lib.csusb.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1487&context=etd-project: “Children frequently feel guilty about the death of a loved one. While this can be attributed to the child's egocentrism, Krupnick (1984) points to these guilt feelings as a way for the individual to feel in control of the environment, as a way of denying or defending against the sense of being ineffectual, a state which can lead to depression and apathy, similar to Seligman's description of "learned helplessness" and resultant depression (Seligman et al, 1974). Another typical reaction of children is to fear further abandonment. Richter (1986) interviewed children who had experienced the death of a sibling. One 13-year-old boy remembered his fears of the time following his loss: "If someone went away, I always felt they wouldn't come back, i was afraid my mom would go away to work and never come home (p. 23)." [...] the death of a sibling, parent or other significant attachment figure has an impact on the child's ability to achieve certain developmental milestones, depending on the child's age at the time of the death. If the death occurs when the surviving child is in the middle childhood stage, the long-term effects will be in the area of competency and self-esteem, which will also affect the ability to form a sense of identity and intimate relationships. If the death occurs when the surviving child is in adolescence and working on issues of identity and intimacy, these will be the areas most affected as an adult.” 

A DIFFICULT PERSONALITY: THE ‘BOY WHO CRIED WOLF’ AND PARENTS WHO (DIDN’T?) CARE 

Image credit: Shayna Feinstein

In my post in which I analyzed Jeremy being bullied, I also introduced proof of him being a "pathological liar", as his father called him. For four years of researching Jeremy and his world, I had no idea what that meant until I experienced it myself.

So, I currently work with teenagers and one day I found out a lot of the things one teen had told me were lies. I was angry about it at first, until one of my colleagues explained the situation to me: this teen lived alone with their mother, who wouldn't pay much attention to them and basically let them do whatever they wanted. They had learned that in order to gain the attention of their mom, they would need to paint things bigger and more worrisome than they were: that's how they became a pathological liar.

     With that, I managed to add the final, missing piece to understanding the Jeremy puzzle. Jeremy had made several comments to his friends about his parents not paying attention to him: his father had remarried and lived in another home for ten years - he clearly had built another life in which Jeremy may have not been involved much. His mother, on the other hand, had in all probability to work twice as hard while she was single in order to provide a home and food for her two children. She must have had a lot to worry about and probably didn’t give Jeremy the amount of attention he so badly needed, which is a difficult thing to do when you yourself need to rebuild your life from scratch. Jeremy was also the youngest in the family, his sister was older when their parents divorced so she was probably better mentally equipped to cope with, or at least to understand, the events. It also seems his sister was doing better at school than him (she was also a cheerleader, for a short while) and it could be that she received more attention than Jeremy. Jeremy did, in fact, "blame his problems on his parents and his older sister"; but I’ll include some considerations Chris made in one of his emails exchanged with Ash, so that you can get another point of view since, until now, all we knew was what Jeremy had told people:

"Another thing that I read that I really don't like because I don't think it is accurate, and this has been being said since around the time of his death. The thing about his not receiving enough love at home. I knew both of his parents back then. His dad more than his mom. He was definitely cared for. Was he a needy kid/teen? Apparently more than realized. Was he not given or shown love and support? Not even close. Often people can say that they love us, and try for all they know what to do, in attempts to show us. That doesn't mean it is the "right way" or most well received way for the individual. I think that his parents were doing everything that they could to pick up after their divorce, start anew with new partners, while trying to co-parent their kids pragmatically. Did [Jeremy's sister] get more attention from his mom than he did? Yeah I'd say so. I think that his dad was sort of at a loss as to what to do, so befriending him to try and understand him was the route he took. Sometimes kids need a parent more than a best bud. This was the late 80's and our society was not as used to wide scale divorce as we are currently. I remember the mid-life crisis divorce trend hitting big around 1984/85/86. [...] We as a culture were still navigating widespread single parenting, and were not yet fully aware of how much of a task it is/was. No, I don't think he was lacking love or emotional support at home. I just don't think that it was what he needed for his particular wants from a parent, whether that was consciously or sub-consciously such”.

There is one thing that I feel the need to point out about Chris’s point of view: he had met Jeremy’s parents but he did not know how they would act behind closed doors, when he wasn’t around; and there's no real way to tell given everyone gives their own version and we wouldn’t get a clear view out of Jeremy even if we could: he was a teenager and a pathological liar who tended to paint things bigger than they were… so who knows? I guess the truth is in the middle and it’s similar to what Chris said: there are different ways of showing and interpreting love, different love languages, and they don’t always get recognized, understood and appreciated. No doubt Jeremy’s parents loved him, but maybe they and Jeremy shared a different love language.  

     Let's now try to understand how it feels to be around a pathological liar: if somebody constantly lies about themselves and their life, so much that you can't really tell whether they are telling the truth or just painting things bigger or making them up... how much can you really say you know about them? How can you really get close, so close that you can effectively help, to someone who never lets you see who they really are or how they really are feeling? Because you see, Jeremy's problem wasn't only the lies, it was also the fact that he was a boy and boys and men are expected to be strong and never cry, never show any ‘weak’ emotion, never show any sign of vulnerability because otherwise they’re going to be labeled as weak. Consider also that Jeremy was living in one of the least progressive states - Texas - in years in which nobody would really say how they felt out of fear of being seen as crazy; and remember that looking for a therapist wasn’t even the first option given that in the United States even calling an ambulance costs lots of money. 

     What you're going to obtain as a result of all of these factors is someone who bottles everything up, using any sort of quick, cheap and unhealthy thing - alcohol, smoke, drugs - in order to cope, until they eventually explode because they have very poor emotional regulation skills. You're going to have a kid who is unpredictable and indulges in dangerous, self-destructive behavior, both because they don't know any better and because they grew up learning that they need to be dramatic (and lie) in order to obtain attention.

     But let’s switch perspectives: imagine that you’re the parent of such a child, a child who is always being ‘dramatic’, and imagine that some kids from some psychiatric hospital (who carry the stigma of being ‘not normal’ and unreliable) call you and tell you that your kid (who, again, you know very well to be dramatic) said some worrying things and mentioned suicide... would you believe them? Because I have got to be honest with you: once I understood Jeremy's ‘boy who cried wolf’ tendency, I finally understood that his mother did not pay attention to the warning of his friends not because she didn't care, but rather because she thought Jeremy was acting out for attention, like he often would. I can’t even imagine the trauma of finding out that, this time, the threat was real, and living with the remorse that you should have somehow been able to distinguish this real threat from all the other 'just for attention' ones. Plus, today it is known that behind someone who constantly tries to draw the attention of others, there is a request for help (when there aren't certain personality disorders like narcissistic and histrionic), but can you really expect a parent living in a psychology-ignorant society to know this? 

     What about Jeremy’s father, then, did he care? Well, he ran out of all his insurance’s money (and it must have been a lot) in order to allow Jeremy to stay six months in Timberlawn to get better; and when Jeremy got out Joseph looked for another therapist. Also, when Jeremy was arrested for theft at Richardson High School, Joseph asked the police to report his son’s theft to the juvenile system, so he could receive proper help. This doesn’t look like a father who didn’t care about his son, does it? Someone who didn't care wouldn't have spent a dime on Jeremy. What it looks like, is that Joseph was simply desperate, much like Wanda: they didn't know what to do with their erratic, incorrigible son anymore, their resources and knowledge were very limited because they lived in a time where the Internet didn't exist so they had very limited options or solutions - in other words, they knew what was in their immediate surroundings; if there were other solutions, they couldn’t know about them.

     Connected to this is Joseph and Wanda's reaction when learning about Jeremy's death: Wanda became "hysterical", Joseph was described by the policeman filing the report as showing “no emotion, remorse or anything else, concerning the death of his son". What I personally believe is that Wanda was “hysterical” also because she understood this time Jeremy’s threat was real and she didn’t listen; while Joseph, on the other hand, it took me a lot of time, study and pondering to understand that maybe he was acting ‘uncaring’ because… he had expected Jeremy’s suicide to happen. 

Think about it: the last straw was him asking the police to have his son’s theft reported to the juvenile system - a desperate request from a desperate father who had run out of solutions. His son had already attempted suicide, but after Timberlawn he was acting even worse and it seemed like he was never going to get better. In fact, his only aspirations at age sixteen were to get a car and a girl pregnant and he didn’t want to stay off of drugs nor stay out of trouble. In my eyes, Joseph was acting ‘uncaring’ because he had expected and feared something so terrible would happen, but he had run out of solutions so he felt like it was only going to be a matter of time - he felt helpless. And when the day finally came that Jeremy did kill himself, I think the first thought that went through his mind was: “It happened.” 

     So no. It is easy to point fingers and blame Jeremy’s parents, but from all the sources I could gather and the pondering I did, I believe his parents did try, until the very end, at the best of their knowledge and abilities, but were left feeling helpless seeing that no matter what they did or how much money they spent on him, Jeremy was resisting every treatment. 

It goes without saying that those parents are grieving for Jeremy until this day, just like his poor sister is. “No day shall erase you from the memory of time”. 

LOVE ON THE BORDER LINE: LOVING SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE 

Image credit: waterfall7290. This was one of my first Jeremy drawings, made in 2020, and I guarantee you it’s only a matter of time before another Tumblr content-stealing website comes along and republishes it elsewhere without my consent. Oh well.

March 1990 - Jeremy met his first love, Nancy. First loves are known to be the ones you never forget about, because it is the first time you’re having such strong feelings for someone, someone you don’t really know and that you idealize because you’re young and naive. Later in life, after many ‘life lessons’, you eventually learn not to idealize people and that it takes time to form a strong bond. However, when you’re just a teenager and especially when you’re in such desperate need for love, you don’t do that. And you don’t do that if you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a long-term mental health disorder which commenced to be widely studied in the 1980s. Because of the severity of its symptoms, it requires the attention of very skilled and highly trained mental health professionals. This condition is considered one of the most stigmatized and challenging to treat, reason why not many therapists feel comfortable working with it or even diagnosing it (source). This is also due to the fact that it is common among borderline patients to display manipulative behaviors which could result in the loss of their therapist's license (source).      Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by rather intense and sudden mood swings, impulsivity, a pattern of unstable relationships, intense episodes of anger, depression and anxiety lasting from a few hours to days. Individuals suffering from BPD also possess an unstable image of oneself, extreme fear of abandonment and a tendency to dramatically shift their opinion of people by either idealizing or demonizing them (commonly referred to as "black and white thinking") (source). Additionally, they often turn to substance abuse, self-harm and reckless and impulsive behavior (e.g. shopping spree, reckless driving...) in an attempt to ease their intense emotions or, on the contrary, to try to feel any kind of emotion, since they go through chronic feelings of emptiness and dissociation, too. It is estimated that 50 to 80% of individuals suffering from BPD self-harm and that up to 10% manage to commit suicide (source). The intensity and presence of the symptoms varies from patient to patient.       BPD has a genetic predisposition. Environmental factors that have been identified as contributing to the development of borderline personality disorder include primarily childhood maltreatment (physical, sexual, or neglect), found in up to 70% of people with BPD, as well as maternal separation, poor maternal attachment, inappropriate family boundaries, parental substance abuse, and serious parental psychopathology (source).      For a long time, it was believed that BPD could not be diagnosed before the age of eighteen years old, because several of its symptoms (e.g. impulsivity, anger outbursts, intense emotions, identity disturbance…) can be mistaken for normal changes in the body and mind happening during adolescence. However, in later years, numerous researches have shown that BPD can indeed start to manifest itself in adolescence (as young as eleven years old): “Using the same Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth version (DSM-V) criteria as in adults, borderline personality disorder (BPD) in adolescents is defined as a 1-year pattern of immature personality development with disturbances in at least five of the following domains: efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable interpersonal relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity, suicidal and self-mutilating behaviors, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate intense anger, and stress-related paranoid ideation. BPD can be reliably diagnosed in adolescents as young as 11 years. The available epidemiological studies suggest that the prevalence of BPD in the general population of adolescents is around 3%. The clinical prevalence of BPD ranges from 11% in adolescents consulting at an outpatient clinic to 78% in suicidal adolescents attending an emergency department.” (source) 

Now, I’m no psychologist or such, but we could find some similarities between Jeremy’s reported behavior and the symptoms here described:      Efforts to avoid abandonment: threatening suicide twice (both episodes in July 1990) in order to convince Nancy to get back with him; offering Michelle to raise a child that wasn’t even his so he could still be involved with her. In addition to this, the September 1990 letter addressed to Chris shows a really insecure and ‘clingy’ Jeremy writing 4/7 pages of affection and appreciation for his friend!       Unstable interpersonal relationships: the tormented relationships both with Nancy and Michelle and his incapability of setting and respecting boundaries, like not accepting the breakups and insisting on contacting and expressing love and longing for both. A core symptom of BPD is also the idealization/demonization of people, which he did with both ex-girlfriends: Nancy was idealized as she was seen as the love of his life (the ring he wanted her to have on the last day) although they had known each other for less than two weeks before dating and they had dated for only a month; while Michelle went from being idealized to demonized the moment she broke up with Jeremy (he accused her of being partially to blame for his suicide).       Identity disturbance: identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs and actions are constantly changing - like Jeremy lying about himself and his life or Jeremy admitting (in the September 1990 letter to Chris) to getting his arm tattoo and pretending to be affiliated with the Confederate Hammerskins only to impress Chris.       Impulsivity: lying, making threatening comments about the Math teacher, stealing a stereo, stealing money from the basketball game, stealing the ring and the gun, stealing his parent’s car multiple times to go visit friends as far as Austin... impulsivity basically means getting in potentially risky/dangerous situations without thinking of the consequences first.      Suicidal and self-mutilating behaviors: this one is obvious, but self-mutilating/self-harming behaviors can also include abusing substances (which Jeremy was known for); exercising to the point of collapse or injury; getting into fights in which one is likely to be hurt; having unsafe sex; denying oneself a necessity as a punishment; stopping medication or starving with intent to cause harm; deliberate recklessness (e.g. risk-taking with cars and trains). (source, source) Now I don’t know if Jeremy had any self-inflicted wounds on his body, but I believe he did show signs of the other self-harming behaviors which I have written in bold: he was found to be twelve pounds lighter when he died (which means in some way he had denied himself the necessity to eat) and he “did not want to stay clean” from drugs (which was necessary for his well-being). He was also reckless (see: impulsivity).      Chronic feelings of emptiness: emptiness can be ‘fought’ by indulging in unhealthy behaviors like doing impulsive and risky things like stealing a car, lying about one’s life, abusing substances… the riskier the behavior, the more alive one feels (thanks to an adrenaline rush).       Affective instability/Inappropriate intense anger: affective instability is a term used to indicate rapid emotional shifts, usually towards a negative emotion such as depression, anxiety or anger. Several people described Jeremy as a kid with anger problems.       Stress-related paranoid ideation: Jeremy telling Ryan that “for some unknown reason people were trying to track him down, and someone was going to kill him”, so that’s why he needed a gun.      I may be stretching things here, or maybe I am not. There’s no way to know if Jeremy really had BPD (and maybe some other comorbid disorder like Bipolar Disorder), but I’ve always been inclined to think he did fit several of its symptoms. 

Back to Jeremy's love life: why is love so important in our society? Because it is the foundation for building a second home, a second family. Ever since we’re children, our society brainwashes us into believing love is magically going to solve all of our problems: think of all the fables and stories that tell about a prince saving a princess and finding love and a happy ever after; think of all the cartoons, especially Disney, every one of us grew up with - love is always the goal, love is the magic force that saves. And that task of solving problems and providing happiness is always assigned to women, who are seen as the embodiment of unconditional love and family. Girls grow up with the idea that a boy is going to protect them and boys grow up with the idea that a girl is going to cure their issues with the magical power of love. Everyone falls for this stereotype, but those who didn’t feel loved enough by their first family tend to believe in this more strongly than those who grew up in a loving home. 

     Now when Jeremy found Nancy, he thought he had found the cure for all of his sadness and issues. He was missing his first family, so he felt the need to create another one, one in which he would actually experience undivided love and attention, and idealized this to be possible with Nancy. Unfortunately, the problem was that Jeremy was incapable of healthily manage a relationship, both because he had never witnessed what healthy love was (given his parents had had a messy divorce) and also because he was so young and inexperienced and going through adolescence, a time of life where a million changes are happening both on the inside and on the outside and it is difficult to navigate through them, especially if you lack emotional regulation skills and the help of a proper therapist (namely a cognitive-behavioral one which is so common today but which was so uncommon at the time). 

     So what happens when you have all these emotional regulation problems, huge expectations, a huge need for love and a huge fear of abandonment? You cling onto the other person. You become very jealous because you’re afraid of losing them and you constantly project your fears onto this person, becoming possessive and suffocating - toxic, in other words. 

     And what can the person you’re with, which is your opposite, do? They leave you. They probably won’t even try to work through the issues because at such a young age, let’s be honest, the majority of teenagers want to have a good time, not to have someone who drags them down. Plus, it’s really of no point to try to work through said issues if the person you’re with doesn’t want to solve them, probably makes you feel smothered and unsafe and doesn’t even look like the kind of person you could ever build something with (Jeremy really had no aspirations, while Nancy had many). 

From the 1991 police report (page 20 of the PDF): “Nancy advised they dated from that time until sometime in the middle of April at which time she broke off the relationship with Delle due to him being possessive and his problems with drugs and depression."

Let’s switch sides again now and let’s try to put ourselves in Jeremy’s shoes: how are you going to react knowing that after having lost half of your family, friends through the years, your beloved best friend… now even the person you thought you had a future with, the ‘love of your life’, left you? You will probably think life is an unending source of pain in which everything you love eventually leaves you. Maybe you even blame yourself for it: “Everything I love leaves me so it must be my fault, I ruin everything”. Thoughts of this kind can lead to desperation, desperation which can exacerbate into extreme behaviors if you don’t receive any (professional) help or are incapable of both processing and expressing your emotions in a healthy way.

April 1990: Jeremy attempted suicide, two days after breaking up with Nancy.

     His parents came together and decided to put Jeremy in what was thought to be the best hospital in Texas at the time, in an attempt to give him the help he needed: Timberlawn psychiatric hospital in Dallas. Jeremy spent six months of his life there, having the chance to come home for a brief time thanks to occasional passes.  

In Jeremy’s September 1990 letter addressed to Chris, Jeremy claimed to have made some friends in Timberlawn who helped him, Chris being the most important one, who was like a “big fucking brother” to him. He also stated:

“I’m glad I got engaged with therapy and treatment, it’s made my time [in the program] shorter. [...] Now that I look at it running was stupid and didn’t solve anything so I’m not doing it cause it makes me feel like a complete dumbass, and that’s something I don’t want to feel like or be remembered as, cause I’m not.”

July 1990: Jeremy met Michelle at Timberlawn. Michelle was as troubled as Jeremy was, if not more: apparently she had been subjected to some important traumas during her childhood, which had made her into a very troubled and unstable person. At Timberlawn, she and Jeremy found each other and felt like they could understand each other, the ‘rejects’ of society who could build a happy future together. 

     Nevertheless, Jeremy was still longing for Nancy and when he got a pass to come home from Timberlawn in July 1990, he drove to her residence one night and did something very manipulative and toxic: he stated that he had a gun and that he wanted to kill himself. He had tried to do the same thing earlier that month when he had met Nancy again at the summer retreat sponsored by Casa View Baptist Church: he had climbed on a rock and had threatened suicide. Such manipulative and toxic behavior is unfortunately very typical of people who have serious disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, for example. However, it is important to know that the majority of the people who do these things don’t usually do it out of malice, which means with the intent of hurting the other person - on the contrary, they often do it because life has no meaning to them and they’re desperate: they cannot accept the idea that the person who means everything to them doesn’t want them anymore and they don’t know any better way of gaining their attention, so they use suicide as a last resort. Still, malice or not, such behavior is very toxic and manipulative and should not be excused.  

     Now, try to put yourselves in Nancy’s shoes: even if she did not want to be in a relationship with Jeremy anymore, why do you think she never cut ties with him? She certainly wasn’t indifferent to him, in the sense that she cared about him, but I truly believe the thing that stopped her from cutting all ties was guilt and fear - fear that if she left, Jeremy would kill himself and she’d have to live with remorse. So she stayed, and Jeremy never really moved on from their breakup, because he could call her anytime he wanted and she’d always answer… and I can empathize with that choice, if that was really what made Nancy stay. Many people believe that if two people stay friends after a breakup, maybe the dumped one will suffer less… but they won’t. They will actually suffer more because they will keep hanging on to the hope that maybe, maybe one day they’ll get back together with their loved one - which is what, to my understanding, Jeremy hoped for until the very end.  

Let’s go back to Michelle. It is not known if Jeremy met Michelle before or after these incidents. I am inclined to believe they may have met later, or maybe Jeremy already knew her but got interested in her following these events. This would make sense and it could be seen as a desperate attempt of his to find a replacement for Nancy. In my opinion, if he really had been in love with Michelle, he would have stopped calling Nancy; yet he didn’t, he kept calling her until the very end, so that’s why I believe Michelle was really a desperate lifeline to him. This makes even more sense if you consider that Jeremy did seem like the type of boy who would fall for basically anyone, as if he was constantly trying to fill a void. Surely that’s a normal thing at his age, but I have noticed a pattern which I want to report here:

From the September 7, 2021 email ‘RE: RE: I need your help with the story’ Ash exchanged with me: “Just be sure to convey that Lisa was just a crush of his...not a real deal first love or so. He was very committed to Nancy and Michelle at the time. But he could not decide. And he was always looking to score something "better", so to speak. In this regard he was the typical teen boy. He wanted to make love with Lisa. He was very focused on blondes with big ... you know. As I said, very blunt. It is apparent from his notes and what Lisa told me, which is why she turned him down.”; From the 1991 police report (page 30 of the PDF): “1/15/91 I received two letters [...] Jeremy Delle addressed to a Ladanda [...]. These notes talk about [...] his feelings for Ladanda."; From the suicide letter Jeremy sent to his friend Chris from Austin’s family and which was posted on jeremywadedelle.com (‘Later Life’, section ‘January 1991’): “[Censored, presumably the name of Chris’ sister]: “you are very very pretty. I hope you make some guy happy. You’re parents too.[...]”.

Anyway, Jeremy was released from Timberlawn in October 1990, while Michelle was re-admitted into Timberlawn. This makes you understand that the poor girl was really having a hard time, so it should come to no surprise that if someone as balanced as Nancy wasn’t capable of handling a relationship with Jeremy, neither could a girl who kept being re-admitted into psychiatric hospitals. Michelle couldn’t handle being with someone who was pressuring her to have a family with him and possibly get married… while being only sixteen and having been dating for only a couple of months! It is very normal to idealize people during adolescence, but all that running and pressuring to build a family together when they barely knew each other was over the top and it’s actually something that’s very common in people with, again, Borderline Personality Disorder. 

     Adding to this, Jeremy was a pathological liar, and usually pathological liars get to a point where they can’t really differentiate the truth from when they’re lying because that is a mechanism their brain has learned not only to gain the attention of people, but also to build a different reality than the one the person is actually living in. I guess you could define it as some form of dissociation: you dissociate from your real life and live into a fantasy, a fantasy you really, really want to believe, to the point you lose yourself in it. And that’s what Jeremy did when he was going around showing people pictures of a baby which wasn’t even his: he desperately wanted to believe he had a second family - so desperate, that when Michelle told him she thought she was pregnant but not of him, he offered to raise the baby, even if it wasn’t his. He wanted to have a second family so badly because he wanted to find love, but a love which wouldn’t divorce, wouldn’t die or wouldn’t leave him: he wanted a forever happy ever after; he wanted certainty and safety, above all.

      So when Michelle rejected him, he demonized her, saying she was (part of) the reason why he would later kill himself. Obviously, it wasn’t Michelle’s fault: if Jeremy had been doing better and he and Michelle had broken up, he wouldn’t have killed himself - instead, he killed himself because he had a lot of problems and traumas weighing on him… so it was not because of how Michelle may have acted. 

I don’t know how Michelle is doing today, but I know she’s had a very troubled life and while I don’t think the death of Jeremy is what caused her adult problems, I believe it’s part of it and I feel sorry for her because she had no fault over what happened; just like the Delle family had no real fault: they all did the best they could with the best of the knowledge and abilities they had at the time. 

LIFE AT RICHARDSON HIGH: THE HOSPITAL STIGMA, FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY, BULLYING AND ALIENATION 

October 1990 - Jeremy was released from Timberlawn. He was a broken, lost and depressed fifteen-year-old with several traumas weighing on his shoulders and with very low self-confidence and self-esteem. He had a great need for love and attention which stemmed from his parents' divorce and the fact that, in his eyes, they weren’t giving him enough of any of the two. He was looking for someone - anyone - who could love him and stay with him forever… but his family was split and the friends he had made during the years had lasted only a short time, because he had changed schools and addresses multiple times and now he was alone in a new city, new school, with no friend by his side.

The friend he cared about the most, Chris, was 200 miles away in Austin. His forever best friend, Mike, the first and real family he felt like he had, had died in a tragic accident a few years earlier. On top of all that, both his girlfriends had broken up with him, making him feel like he wasn’t worthy of being loved. And if he wasn’t worthy of being loved, he could never have his own family. 

Was it even worth trying to build a bond with someone anymore, given life had taught him no bond ever lasted? On one hand, it really seemed like he wasn’t destined to find a loving and stable figure, and on the other hand, it seemed like he didn’t deserve to find any. Deep down, it is likely Jeremy felt like he wasn’t good enough to be loved (he couldn’t have a healthy relationship even if he wanted to, as his behavior was a big issue) and like he was too broken to get his life together. But he tried to fight this feeling.

     After coming out of the hospital, he went to live with his father, who had been a kind of estranged figure all of his life - maybe not estranged but one with whom he surely had much less contact. He probably didn’t know how to act and neither did his father, much like Chris suggested. Jeremy must have also felt rejected by his own mother, whom he felt ‘didn’t want him anymore’. Ash suggested that Jeremy’s behavior with the anger outbursts, the drug problems and the ‘drama’ must have been very hard on his sister and his mother, so maybe that’s why Wanda sent him to live with his father. Who knows. In any case, he was undoubtedly closer to his mother (having lived with her all his life) and mothers are generally more emotionally available than fathers, in the sense that it is easier for a son to open up about his feelings to his mother than to his father, especially one that hadn’t been much present in his life. 

As a result of all this, Jeremy acted up and was ‘dramatic’, he told a lot of lies because he had developed like that, he had learned that he needed to make others worry in order to make them notice him. But this backfired because it got him into trouble and arose conflicts with his parents, making him feel worse and worse. On top of all that was also his addiction to substances, which made him feel better temporarily but once the effect ended, he would feel those ugly emotions again so he would go look for those substances again - he was trapped in a never-ending cycle of unhealthy dependency which he could not (or did not want to) stop.

     Richardson was his fifth home (six, if you also count the residence at Timberlawn) in ten years and Richardson High was his seventh (or a little less, the exact number is uncertain) school. All his life had lacked certainty and stability and now he was also carrying the stigma of being the ‘crazy' kid, the ‘not normal' kid, the ‘something is wrong with him’ kid because he had spent six months of his life in a psychiatric hospital. Most of his new schoolmates were richer kids and they all looked like they had their life together, while he did not, not in the slightest. He felt pressured to play a role, he had to make up stories about himself and look cooler than he actually was even if in all probability, in my opinion Jeremy felt like the exact opposite. But no one wants to be your friend if you’re a loser. 

     So he acted up in class. He made up grandiose, sometimes blatantly false stories in order to make people like him. Some did (Lisa and Ryan, for example), but the majority was indifferent to him while others started to bully him… to the point of throwing stuff at him when the teacher wasn’t looking? Who knows. But there were surely people making fun of him, alienating him even further and making him feel even more like he wasn’t worthy of being loved. Jeremy reacted both with depression and anger to this, depression when he was feeling like he had no control over his own life, and anger when he wanted to have control over his own life, but he felt like the circumstances and the people around him wouldn't let him. He was described as a very angry child.

Then Jeremy did some stupid teenage stuff that anyone could have done - stole some money from a basketball game, kept questionable things in his locker that looked satanic while the Satanic Panic hysteria was going around, said some bad things about two teachers he didn’t like. While for a lot of people that would have been considered normal teenage behavior, Jeremy was targeted from the moment he stepped foot in the school because he came from a psychiatric hospital and was therefore judged dangerous. Therefore, the moment he made some mistakes the school went after him.

December 1990 - Jeremy was put in In School Suspension. The problem was that he was kept there for a longer time than other kids (one month, of which two weeks of school time). For context: the general time spent in ISS is a couple of days, the maximum is 10 days but only if something really really bad was done, like beating someone up or something. Certainly not for smoking (the initial reason for which he was put in ISS) or stealing some money, or having some questionable but not dangerous stuff in a locker, or making some bad comments about some teachers (the reason for which his stay in ISS was extended).

What I'm trying to say is that I believe the school would have treated the situation differently, in a lighter way, had it been another kid; but because Jeremy came from a mental hospital, he was treated like a problem child from the moment he stepped foot in his new school. ISS was like isolation and the last thing Jeremy needed was to be separated from everyone else almost as soon as he had arrived because, I believe, that’s what confirmed to him, more than anything else, that nobody really wanted him around and that no matter how much he tried, he was never going to get better, life was never going to get better, because everything had kept going steadily worse and there was no sign that it could ever get better.

     And that’s when, surely after some major breakdown, Jeremy finally felt a weight off his chest. He felt consolation in the thought that he did have a choice after all, that there was something he could do to feel like he had any power over his life; there was a way to stop suffering. And that would be dying.

January 8, 1991 - Jeremy went to school and he looked really happy, he hugged people, because he felt relieved in knowing all of his pain was soon going to be over. But he had no intention of leaving without a fight, I believe. He didn’t want to leave silently, because otherwise people wouldn’t have remembered him. Otherwise, everyone would have forgotten him just like they had forgotten him while he was alive. 

     Why did he choose Barnett’s class? I have no idea. Several students claimed Barnett was a really great teacher, so maybe Jeremy did it because he felt ‘safe’ in her class. Other people said that the kids in the English class were the ones who bullied Jeremy, so maybe he felt like giving them a lesson. Someone else (not from that class) said those same kids never bullied Jeremy. Therefore… who knows. Who knows why he chose that particular class. Maybe there’s no real reason, maybe it was simply the first class that came to his mind.

What matters, I believe, is why he decided to do it - like I said, I believe he wanted people to notice him and to remember him forever, but he didn’t want to physically hurt anyone because, I believe, there was no malice in him. Jeremy had a golden heart, he loved people (his own way), more than he loved himself - that’s what I understood about him. I’m pointing this out because I am really sick and tired of people associating him to those school shooter monsters who instead took lives with them. Jeremy could have killed someone that day but he didn’t, I think that’s a very important distinction that needs to be made. Still, it goes without saying that even if he didn’t hurt anyone physically that day, he did psychologically. It’s not only the people who witnessed his death who will have to live with that trauma forever, it’s also his family and friends.

     But if Pearl Jam didn’t write the song, only a selected number of people would have known and remembered him. I think Jeremy will forever be remembered until the song is remembered. Unfortunately, the song pushed a narrative that many people still believe to be accurate even to this day. In addition, the song made all the wrong kinds of people know about the incident and act nasty about it: some acted like vultures around Jeremy and his loved ones and inflicted even deeper traumas by calling Jeremy’s family and invading their privacy and grief, asking them very inappropriate questions or making very inappropriate and outright insane demands, like having Jeremy’s bloody sweatshirt… or so I was told. But given the things I have seen ever since I have known the True Crime Community (for which it will be very clear, at this point, that I feel a deep, burning hate), I have no doubt things like these really happened.

CONCLUSION

Image credit: Scott Snyder, Jock - from the comic book: “Wytchers - Vol 1″ 

I guess what I really want people to ponder upon, is that from my understanding, mistakes were surely made but all of Jeremy’s friends and family tried, at the best of their knowledge and abilities, to help him… but he was a very difficult and unstable person to deal with, there’s no doubt about that. I see people say: “I wish I had been his friend, so I could have helped him” all the time. I used to say the same things, until I wrote the trilogy No more “Later Days” and dived deep in basically all the things you have read in this article and I understood that, at some point, anyone would have easily felt frustrated at trying to help a kid who kept getting in trouble and who looked like he didn’t want to get better. And all of the people who make these comments seem not to take into consideration that you can’t spend your entire life and time helping someone, someone so difficult and stubborn, because everyone has their places to be, things to do, family and friends to see… etcetera. Jeremy needed a lot of help and attention, more than was available at the time in a place like Texas and more than his family and friends were capable of giving him. Surely, some things could have happened differently, some different choices could have been made. But you must not forget that nobody really had the intention of causing harm to Jeremy (well, except for his bullies of course) - everyone tried to do what was the best, the rest was… a very unfortunate chain of consequences. 

     I do wonder if, had he been born later, he could have had some more concrete chances to save himself. I like to think he could have, but it still would have been a very very very complicated situation. He would have had the internet where he could have searched for solutions and talked to people who were going through the same about his feelings, feelings that he kept bottled up. I know the internet is what saved me when I was a teenager, and I know I’m not the only one… otherwise I believe I would have ended up like Jeremy. I guess this is what keeps me going and do what I do, both on the internet and in real life. I’m a survivor, so I try to teach what I’ve learned to other people so that hopefully, I can make them into survivors as well. I do it for Jeremy and I do it for myself, I do it for all those who didn’t make it. 

I couldn’t save Jeremy because I wasn’t there when it happened, but maybe, maybe I can help building a future in which stories like Jeremy’s never happen again. And you, if you’re reading - you can and should do the same. For you. For me. For Jeremy. For everyone. 

If you have taken the time to read all of this - congratulations! You must be someone who is really interested in Jeremy. I hope I helped in making people ponder upon and understand what it took me four years and a trilogy to understand.

If you have read this and actually knew Jeremy, because you’re either a friend or a family member… what do you think? Have I managed to portray an accurate image of him and you? Are my sources accurate? I would love to hear your opinion and criticism, in case you have any. The same goes for anyone else who read, obviously. I’m always open to constructive feedback.

If you’d like to contact me, my email is waterfall7290 + @ + google mail domain.

Thank you for reading this far.

Always,

Waterfall 

ABOUT THIS BLOG

[storiesfromvenus]

A Talk in U.S.S. Cassiopeia - Day 3: Starships

day 3 for Scifi September, prompt by @thepromptfoundry :]

this is inspired by Star Trek! a favorite of mine <3

Captain’s log. 

 Today's date is 8.13.2114, we’ve done enough exploring on our ongoing voyage with the U.S.S Cassiopeia. The crew is headed for bed, the night shift will soon commence for the time being.

 As for myself, I’ve decided to stay up a little late. As captain, I have a specific duty to fulfill, even if that means sacrificing some shut eye. There is a reason for this however, a new recruit we have on our ship. 

 We found her on a desolate planet during our searches. She has the form of a little girl, roughly around the ages between twelve and fourteen., and seemed extremely traumatized by the way we could see her visibly tremble whilst she tried to hide from us behind broken wood.

 Luckily, my operations and communications officer had helped her in her comfort and brought her on board. We do not know what specifically happened, but something tells me it had something to do with the folks that once inhabited this planet and another ship that visited here. 

 I’ve decided to keep a close eye on her, as she may have trouble adjusting to something unfamiliar, but she has seemed to take a liking to one of our young members - Julian Baccuay.

 And to me as well, following me around the ship and what have you. This, I am not sure why, but it has made me want to look after her for the time being.

 This is Captain Apollo Herrera signing off.

***

It’s quiet in the halls of the U.S.S. Cassiopeia, Apollo looks outside the windows of the ship, nothing but stars, galaxies, and thousands of planets fill the inky black canvas of space.

 It’s a beautiful sight, Apollo thinks to himself, how an entire universe is like a painting to him. Like the Renaissance that has been splattered across a void that engulfs him. 

 He stands for what seems like an hour, his hands behind his back as he keeps his gaze into the neverending twinkling abyss, until a voice of course snaps him back into reality.

 “Captain, admiring the cosmos once again, I see.” 

 Dr. Clive chuckles when Apollo looks at him, startled like a deer in the headlights.

 “Clive, what are you doing up so late?” he asks, but not as a demand but rather… concern.

 “I should ask the same thing for you, Apollo.” Dr. Clive leans against the window and stares out into space, “I can tell there’s possibly something on your mind. Or, rather someone.”

 Apollo looks back into the distance in the window, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 “You know exactly who, Apollo.” Clive mutters, side eyeing Apollo, “don’t hide behind that stoic captainism now, it’s about her, isn’t it?”

 Apollo doesn’t reply.

 Clive sighs, “I get it. Of course, I get it. I can tell you care an awful lot about this child, I do too. But…”

 Clive’s voice trails off, his brow furrowing, Apollo doesn’t look at him, just staring into the star-filled sea. Clive leans forward, his voice soft yet firm.

 “Apollo… she’s… she’s not Celeste okay? Celeste has been dead for years now.”

  Clive can see the way Apollo’s eyes water at the mention of Celeste.

 His daughter. His flesh and blood.

 “I know.”

 “Then why do you look at her as though she is your own?”

 Apollo shrugs, albeit miserably. “That, I'm not sure why.” 

 Clive places a hand on his shoulder, feeling Apollo unconsciously freeze at his touch.

 “I’m not a psychologist, but grief is an entrapping thing. Apollo, you need to try your best to handle this, or you’ll end up hurt again if something were to happen. You cannot afford to get attached.”

 Apollo turns to Clive, staring at him face to face, an unreadable but arguably somber expression on his face, his voice, light as a feather, whispering as if he was afraid to wake someone up.

 “I know.”

  Clive watched as Captain Apollo disappeared into the darkness of the hallway, hearing his footsteps against the fabric of metal carpet.

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

Once Upon a Time on the Razor Crest

Summary: Din reveals something he's suspected

A/N: Hello lovelies,

I apologize for not posting yesterday. So it looks like there is only one chapter left to The Crestworld part of Once Upon a Time on the Razor Crest. Then the story will enter a brief hiatus, while I focus on other stories and more parts for OUTRC. Thank you all for following.

Love oo

Due to the past history of the OC there will be discussions alluding to past domestic abuse, please note that as it could be a trigger for some.

Warnings: Awkward conversations and question, banter, confronting a suspected thought, memories. If I miss any warnings, please let me know.

AO3 Link |   Words: 1,138 |   Previous -> Next

Main Master List   |  Once Upon a Time on the Razor Crest

THE CRESTWORLD

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Listening to Din describe Camilla, made her sound special and other worldly, it made me wonder if maybe Din was embellishing a little. However, that didn’t matter really, it was his wife, he could embellish all he wanted for her memory. 

Yet when he finished the air in the truck was heavy, almost as though his sorrow and grief came back to the forefront. I wanted to make him laugh and smile again. 

“She sounds amazing, especially since it truly takes a very special person to put up with you” I smirked looking over at him, as he narrowed his eyes, “I’m kidding. Seriously, though she sounds wonderful. I wish I got to know her, she seems like someone I would’ve wanted to be friends with.”

He hummed in agreement, “She was. She was really wonderful, and as much as I don’t want to say this, she would’ve wanted to be friends with you too.”

“That would’ve been fun for you.”

“Tell me about it.” He grumbled.

“It’s nice to know Grogu inherited a lot from her, it’s like she’s still here in a way. After all, he doesn’t ever seem to have a bad day, plus he has the cutest smile and laugh.”

Din chuckled “Yeah, he did. I’m grateful I have him, it definitely makes me feel like she’s still around somewhat.”

I could understand that, I wish I could talk about my parents, my siblings, I miss all of them, for their safety and for mine, I can’t talk about them with anyone, but that doesn’t prevent me from being there for either of them. Maybe, I can do that to honour Camilla, to help look after her family, who she clearly loved dearly.

“Din, you know if you ever want to talk about her I’ll always offer a listening ear. Sometimes sharing stories about the ones we love keeps them alive in our memories.”

He simply nodded as his hand tightened on the steering wheel, he pulled into Boba’s ranch in one smooth motion, putting the car in park, “Thanks, that’s the first time in a long time I was able to talk about her and not feel completely shattered afterwards. It means a lot.”

“You’re welcome.”

Din’s eyes locked with mine as we sat in the truck. I could see why Camilla and him made sense, he had the rough exterior, grumpy, short tempered, but she was sweet and kind, loving and patient. She was his better half, two sides of the same coin. 

Plus, they were both very attractive people, it was evident how much they loved and cared for each other in the pictures Din had around the house. Even though she’d been gone for a number of years, the love they both felt was still very evident in the house.

Made me wonder if that would’ve been my life, if I … if I hadn’t married my ex. Granted, however, there’d been no one in my life that made my heart flutter when I was younger. 

Why couldn’t I’ve had that kind of warm and loving relationship? 

Why couldn’t I have met someone who’d look after me, care for me, and protect me?

Why did I have to marry … 

My eyes focused on the fence in front of us as flashes of my past played before my eyes, the pain, the trauma, the tears, the countless nights that I wished I hadn’t been forced into that marriage.

“Ann?” 

Din tapped her shoulder, pulling her out of whatever was going through her mind. He didn’t have to be a psychologist to know she’d gone through a pretty rough time, that much was evident with how she reacted to certain situations.

“You okay?”

I nodded, closing my eyes, pushing away the memories, “Yeah, sorry. My mind wandered.”

“Hey, I want you to know, if you ever need to talk, I’ll listen too.” 

In that moment, he couldn’t help notice how her deadened eyes, her tightened shoulders, the way her fists clenched against her thighs, she looked as though she was holding the weight of the entire galaxy. 

He let out a weighted sigh, he was going to take a chance to tell her this, because … well it was the right thing to do. 

“Ann, I know something happened in your past.” 

Her eyes shot wide open as her head swivelled to look at him in one quick and determined move, he held his hand up to reassure her, “I want to make it clear, no one said anything nor did I ask anything. Alright?” 

She didn’t really respond, simply keeping her eyes locked on him, until she let out the slightest sigh, “I don’t know anything about what happened to you, but I can guess, from what I picked up on over the past few weeks. Like the way you clocked everyone in that dinner, the way you picked the seat that gave you the most coverage, even though I took the seat with my back to the wall, you tried your best to stay low and out of sight. Not to mention, the way you make sure your door is locked when you go to bed, or the way you clean up after yourself, always keeping things tidy, like you don’t want to leave an imprint of yourself anywhere in case you have to leave in a hurry.”

He watched as tears welled up in her eyes, he didn’t want her to freak out, but he wanted her to know she could trust him, that he’d be there to listen, to help her if she needed, “You’re running from someone, aren’t you?”

I couldn’t find the words, no matter how many times I swallowed, or blinked, or looked around for a sign that it was okay to open up, to trust him. As much as I wanted to answer, the word ‘yes’ just wouldn’t escape my mouth. I couldn’t even nod in agreement. 

“It’s okay” he nodded as a solemn smile graced his lips, “I figured as much. How bad?”

My eyes dragged down slowly, as I focused on my hands, I slowly breathed in and out, taking one final swallow to calm my nerves. However, despite how hard I tried to quell my fear,  my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I gripped them harder against each other, when did they start to do that? 

“Bad” was all I could muster, as I kept focusing on something other than the questions he was asking. 

“How long?” Din’s voice was soft, solemn and strong. Letting her know it was all up to her to answer the question, she may not have wanted him to know. 

“Long enough”

“Hence the fake name.” 

I looked into his eyes, shock ringing through them; I couldn’t believe he’d known my name was fake this whole time.

AO3 Link |   Words: 1,138 |   Previous -> Next

Main Master List   |  Once Upon a Time on the Razor Crest

@littlemisspascal @sprout-fics @liadamerondjarin @badbatch-simp24 @spicymcnuggies @lady-ren @firstofficerwiggles @darkangel4121 @discofern @kavecika @monako-jinn-stories @ladykatakuri @avathebestx @theroguesully @furyhellfire66 @carodealmeida @ciramaris @twinkofthedink @dindjarin-mandalorian @tortor-mcgee @sarcasmismyonlydefense24 @chiyo13

[rifki16]

Tadaima, Okaeri Episode Seven Light Analysis :)

Photo Credit: Tadaima, Okaeri Twitter Promotional Account

A very nutritious, yet simple and ready-to-eat onigiri ball.

The show was quite quick compared to the episodes before. However, it didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the episode. I would like to divide the recap article into two sections. Before moving to the two sections however, I want to just share my elation of the episode as it has a same-sex wedding ceremony, a pretend one, yet still very cute. I haven’t watched that many BL anime shows before, however, a lot of people on Twitter said that Cherry Magic the Anime was the first anime show to feature a same-sex wedding, even though that it was literally an epilogue form of a show and lasted barely 2/3 minutes. I would like then to point out that this anime is the first child friendly anime to feature a same-sex wedding ceremony. Hikari acted as the officiant. It was the cutest wedding recemony I have ever seen in a BL manga, so far (I’m looking at you Sasaki to Miyano future possible subsequent seasons).

a). [Continuation] Growing up around worried, yet well-intentioned, parents.

I think in my episode 6 review, I was quite shocked as to what omega people were expected of in their universe. The very fact that omega people were supposed to just be locked up away in a tower or sent away to a convent, just because of their supposed frailty, really chilled me. I understand the fact that omega people are unable to control their hormones and hence more susceptible to sexual assault, but to just keep them away seems too far to me. Side note: Why are omega people being blamed for the assaults as their inability to maintain their hormones is not their fault? More importantly, aren’t the other secondary sexual identities the ones who assault omega people who are in heat? But aren’t alpha people always taught to breed among themselves and always shown disgust by the sight of an omega person? And aren’t beta people the ones who can always control their hormones? So, which secondary sexual identities keep sexually assaulting omega people?

Setting my confusion aside, I think Masaki’s parents parenting technique is just irrational. However, in this episode, we saw the cynically-minded cousin, Kazuhiko, met with Masaki and Hikari and thawed his behavior and perception of Masaki. I was so glad that Hikari was there with his Ma-chan, because Kazuhiko really had no boundaries whatsoever with Masaki. As Kazuhiko was trying to caress Masaki, Hikari stopped Kazu-chan and insisted that Masaki is his and his papa’s.

Kazuhiko then tried to clear up the confusion and told Hikari that he didn’t intend to take his Ma-chan. Kazuhiko then tried to explain what was it that made him insistent about the Alabama-style inter-cousin marriage agreement. He said that he pitied Masaki. He felt like he was responsible for Ma-chan’s happiness, despite not knowing what Masaki happy as Hiromu has eluded in the previous episode. Whatever Hiromu was doing to Kazuhiku, I think, was doing well in at least making space between Masaki and his big family. The scene then ended with Kazuhiko himself realizing that Masaki was actually making the gentle smile after looking at Hikari’s smile, a smile which he had seen in his childhood – denoting that Masaki might actually be happy.

When Masaki’s dead parents Voice Over (VO) was playing over the grave visit scene, I was very sad. I think I have talked it out with my psychologist before. Many people who have homophobic or bigoted parents experience this firsthand. The idea is that this kind of parents has such a strict set of mindsets of what can make their child happy be it that their child needs to be rich, to marry and create a heterosexual nuclear family, to be the most sought-after doctor, to have the highest rank in their office, or something, and their child has to adhere otherwise their happiness will not materialize. Sadly, these parents never realize how the enforcement of their perception is the very thing that bars their child from being happy. I’m not a psychologist or a parent, but that’s my story and the many stories I have listened or read. The VO monologue of the letter by Masaki’s mom really hit me when she said:

“If I’d understood him better, known him better, perhaps things could have been better”.

As well as when she said:

“I’ve forced many things on him, believing it was the best for him”.

Isn’t that what we, as kids, all ever want? For our parents to try to understand us. I mean, most of the times, we don’t even understand ourselves, why can’t our parents then just try to come along the journey with us in finding ourselves?

Going back to what I intended to say. Many people have said that the abusive, harsh, manipulative actions by our homophobic or bigoted parents should just be brushed away just because that they mean well. I think when my psychologist and I had this discussion, I insisted on the fact that I know that my parents meant well. Yet, their perception of what well is really frightens me as an agnostic free-minded person. I think the way that we can see this phenomenon is through the humanist perspective. Yes, our parents, our homophobic, bigoted parents are parents, they were just doing their best – as eluded by Sheldon on the ep 13 of Young Sheldon – they made mistakes, they have good intentions. However, people can become monsters and have screwed up perspectives of what an ideal world is. So, no, I don’t think their abusive actions can get a pass, albeit that we still can see them as humans.

I think what the VO monologue gave me was another type of wishful vindication. The fact that my parents found their error and had hoped that they would try to understand me more than to just shove their perception of what I should be. I was taken aback a little when Masaki’s mother ended the letter by saying that she had hoped that Masaki could find someone that could make him happy, something which can make me segue to the next section easily.

b). Can you really escape the cycle?

These past two weeks have been quite physically challenging for me. I needed to move out from my old room to a new one. Afterwards, I needed to change to find a new place to live entirely, with all the hassle of finding a new place, ya know, setting parameters, finding possible places to live, surveying the possible places, and finally making the decision on where to move. Hold up, I’m not done, I also needed to move all of my entire stuffs which I have accumulated from all of the years I’ve lived in this city and setting it all up again in the new place – very exhausting. I know it’s a trauma dump, but bear with me. All of those physically demanding works really made me regressed on a lot of perceptions or points of view which I have so long tried to establish to better my mental health, something which Masaki talked about in the first scene of the episode.

When Masaki lamented that he had not progressed at all, after meeting with Kazuhiku, due to how he reacted to Kazu-san’s taunts, I really felt that. It seemed like whenever a crisis or a huge problem arises, all of my mental health progress seemed to just have been wiped away. Hiromu really answered his husband’s sadness by a very loving hug and iterated how he has seen Masaki fell, after which Hiromu affirmed that he always tried to catch his husband and reminded him of how to smile again, of the great love they both have in Hikari and Hinata.

I really had hoped that Hiromu would actually talk more about how Masaki has actually grown, and that he could handle all of the sad depressive episodes a little better whenever it appears, like what Shirosaki said to Momose in My New Boss is Goofy.

I don’t know whether what Masaki said was a pattern of codependency, or whether what Shirosaki said was something of a hyper/toxic-independence. What I think I could take from the scene was the fact that Masaki was always able to get back up again even after being kicked in the gut by life multiple times, simply by listing all the love he has in the world. I think that’s beautiful.

[psycholojosh]

hello ! i’m so glad i found your page, first of all. thank you po agad as your posts about psych have helped me get to know more about the /realities/ sa careers na kasama sa field. :))

i am currently taking up an undergrad degree in social science (sociology) in up as well ! i’ve wanted to shift to psych pero mukhang mahihirapan ako if i try as the slots are very limited. however, my envisioned career po eventually ay sa medical side talaga (i dream to either be a psychologist or a psychiatrist).

my question is, does it push me back sa psych path/career na i’m not an undergrad psych graduate? will it affect my goals to either proceed to clinical psych (and then take a psychologist licensure exam) or enroll in med school (become a psychiatrist)? is being a psych major a required step to pursue these careers? further, may advantages po ba na closely related naman ‘yung current program ko sa psych?

thank you very much ! ♡

Hello! I'm glad that my blog is somewhat helpful to you. 😊 Another person actually asked me a similar question, actually. You can check out my other responses to Asks on my page. But, anyway...

I wouldn't say that you're pushed back if the career you want is within psychology and your current program is sociology. However, having a psychology degree in college does afford you an advantage into some opportunities that can propel you into the field in psychology (e.g., jobs, grad school, etc.). But, that's not always the case in the real (adult) world. I have fellow classmates and peers who came from non-psychology college degrees, like fine arts, film, and business administration, just to name a few. I would even argue that other fields can also bring you advantages and creativity into how you will train yourself to become a psychologist. For example, at the top of my mind, I can imagine that sociological thoughts and ideas actually offer a lot of insight into how we look at mental health, psychotherapy, and the like.

When you step into grad school in psychology, many programs and schools will surely teach you the basics you may have missed from a bachelor's in psychology program (i.e., theories, research methods, etc.). Of course, having studied them back in college seems helpful, but ultimately it still depends on how you dedicate your effort and care into learning, no matter what college degree you have. Trust me, it will matter less as you journey further.

One thing though... I do notice that you seem to be considering two distinct paths: a psychologist OR a psychiatrist. These are two different roles/occupations but they do come with some similarities. While both overlap as a mental health professional, each requires a specific kind of training and timetable of formal education. At least in the Philippines, becoming a psychologist is faster on the average since it only requires you to complete a master's or doctorate degree (not MD!) before taking the licensure as a psychologist. On the other hand, becoming a psychiatrist requires you not only a medical degree, but also additional training and certification into specializing in psychiatry. Unfortunately, I cannot speak to how psychiatrists do training. I suggest looking for a psychiatrist you can ask about how they train. There are also some differences in approach to mental health as well but I won't elaborate them here for now (mas mahabang usapan na kasi yun hehe!). But, I do recommend that you learn more about each career path thoroughly.

My advice to you is to keep exploring your possibilities, even if you're in sociology, and decide to what you find is more important now and who you want to be in the future. Also, don't be afraid to take your chances no matter how small they are. I really don't want to tell you exactly what you should do -- and you're always free to disagree with me or take my words with a grain of salt -- but you will always miss all of the chances you never take. 😉

I hope this helps! Good luck!

[nerdygaymormon]

ED Therapy Session #2

I didn’t plan on making this entry, it didn’t seem like there was enough to share from the session. However with some time, I’ve changed my mind thanks to things which have happened since that session. 

—————————

First, I began by telling the therapist that after the last session, I immediately began binging in my car. But as I did so I recognized this is what I’m trying to stop. I continued to eat, but I was disgusted with myself and what I was doing. I ate some of everything, but wound up throwing away half of the food. She responded that this was a positive step, what a good start. Here I was confessing to an immediate failure and she reframed it as a success.

To help me understand binge eating disorder, she explained it’s similar to bulimia, except instead of binging and purging, I binge and don’t purge.

I was telling the psychologist about going to a baseball game with some new friends, and how I was pleased with how they were so nice to a fat guy. She stopped and asked if that’s how I see myself? I said that this is what I look like, it’s what people will see, of course they notice. Her response was “the first thing I noticed about you was your smile.” We then talked about not minimizing myself.

I don’t need to convince people I’m worthy to be included, they enjoy knowing me. People seek me out because I’m empathetic and understanding. I make an impact in my communities and the world around me, and minimizing myself will limit how impactful I can be.

My homework included several things: 1) I was to begin a Body Positivity class 2) Each day I’m to identify what is my biggest accomplishment 3) And I’m to be more open and share accomplishments AND hard things I deal with/have dealt with to the people in my life. 

—————————

I’ve been to a few body positivity classes. Honestly, they feel hokey to me. I can understand what is being taught but I don’t fully believe it in my heart. 

It’s a small group and they’re very supportive. At one point, the facilitator said to let’s go around and say something positive we did today. I commented, “My therapist would love you. This is the homework I’m supposed to be doing, but I keep forgetting to do.” 

Two of those in the class offered to support me by creating a group text and each day we would all three share our top accomplishment of the day. Honestly, that was a surprise and meant a lot to me. And they’ve kept their promise for this whole week.

Oh, I also had homework from the class, which is to write a short love letter to my body. I wound up writing not a love letter, but a short poem, and rather than love it’s more like acceptance. I am looking forward to sharing it with the class this week.

The scars, the stretch marks, my body has incurred, These are displays of all that my mind has served. No matter the shame nor how much I jeer, My body has faithfully carried me here. Mind and body, both have had to deal. Both are wounded, both will heal, One supporting the other, they are a pair. Both are deserving and worthy of self care.

—————————

Today I was at church, and someone with whom I shared that I have this challenge saw me and came over to ask how things are going with therapy. I gave a very brief update, including that I’ve started attending a body image class.

He said to remember that who I am is my spirit, and my spirit is mighty and powerful. My body and mind are part of me, but are fragile and weak in a way my spirit is not. I am beautiful. I am blessed. I am loved. Those things are not dependent on my body, they are inherent as a child of God.

I gave him a big hug as tear or two fell onto his shoulder.

[shmowder]

Hiya! Back for round two of sharing my patho characters as i actually changed my mind I do feel comfortable sharing one of my patho self inserts (My self inserts aren’t one to one projections of me for the most part just bits and pieces!!)

This one’s Name is Falin dankovsky, Falin is only a year younger then our dear bachelor and is our very own bachelors lovely spouse their relationship is very stable and loving even if both are very work focused they will always find some time for the other even if it’s something as minor as just sitting in silence, and in the later days of the game their relationship is the only thing keeping the other stable as the common thought is “I need to keep him alive…I will die for him if needed” they absolutely fight over petty things though they love eachother but will argue over things that seems utterly nonsensical to anyone who isn’t them.

Falin is a psychologist! And one of the healers, who really wants to help everyone he comes across he hasn’t become jaded with his job if anything he is far too empathetic towards people often leading him to be pulled into rabbit holes in order to help the sick. He does however often act before thinking and has difficulties asking for help meaning issues that could easily be solved linger for days since he can’t properly advocate for himself. But he is a good listener and offers advice/ solutions to others when he can even if it causes him issues later on, he unfortunately kinda has a martyr mentality where someone must be willing to sacrifice themself to help others and it has to be him nobody else is allowed. 

Falin’s reason for being involved in the main plot is he got a letter asking him to get a man with the last name Stamatin declared mentally sound so he may be executed for a murder which he’s like I can look into it sure but I’d prefer if we got him institutionalized and maybe not murdered for his crime?, Falin leaves for the town a day after Daniil leaves meaning the bachelor has no clue the other is in the town at all until the morning of the second day.

Once falin gets off the train someone attempts to murder him however only succeeds in giving the psychologist a minor concussion, Falin ends up waking up in a grave meeting Clara who claims that she’s his younger sister she tells him ‘we are both born from the same grave’ Falin is like yeah sure why not? I believe this weird child in this graveyard…why shouldn’t I? And then she drops on him “oh you can do miracles too btw” then immediately peace’s out and falin’s like….huh? What the hell does she mean? But falin learns quickly that his blood can reverse death! So the issue is he can’t cure the plague in someone until after they’ve passed and even then that runs the risk of bringing them back completely wrong! But another issue is the question of is that what the dead what have wanted?

Then here’s some Other important character notes: Falin is a trans man which causes him to be slightly paranoid around others due to the fear of people finding out this and turning on him so he is constantly keeping a balance act of hoping nobody notices why he doesn’t have facial hair, why his chest seems rounded and why his voice is so high. he also is borderline so that doesn’t make his fear of others turning on him any the better as Falin is constantly convinced everyone will leave either due to his status as a trans man or because they secretly hate him without knowing that….please get him onto some meds he needs them badly…he’s just having an awful time all around. The only other characters he actively is friendly towards is Daniil, Clara, anna and Eva. with Clara their dynamic is very much so two siblings constantly fighting over literally everything with where their only argument to the other is to the lines of “well I’m older!” And “Well I’m moms favorite so I get to cure the plague” I also want the meta reason for them being siblings being that their dolls were marketed as siblings kinda like Barbie and her sisters or something similar? If that makes sense?

He’s either neutral to everyone else or they are actively hostile towards him, The kains and the Stamatins are ones who are most hostile towards him for obvious reasoning however after Falin’s ability is exposed the kains want him to bring back Simon and aren’t above using the only family Falin has as leverage to get that goal. He actively believes the mistresses as well as why wouldn’t he? Both he and his sister make similar claims so why shouldn’t he believe them as well?. The house he places the most respect into would be the Saburovs for fairly obvious reasoning but he’s very snippy with Alexander at times since falin doesn’t do well with male authority figures at all (it’s the daddy issues!)

During day 5 to day 10 he gets his period leading his exhaustion meter to deplete further his dialogue with others get more snappy and the hunger meter drops quicker, he also has less blood to spare on those days so you can’t bring back any dead bounds and once those bounds are dead for longer then two days they are completely gone meaning Falin can either bleed himself utterly dry or can risk failing others, oh and if he bleeds himself too much he passes out and gets a lecture from Daniil when he comes too. Not overly sure on what his ending would be but it’d probably be him siding with either Daniil or Clara’s way of going about things and aiding their ending.

Oh one bonus thing for fun! Falin and franziska would met a couple times and Falin thanks her for being kind to Clara and gives her some ammo and an egg as a small thanks for being nice to his younger sister but overall they really aren’t overly chill with eachother on account of dankovsky and Franz praying the other dies every single night before bed.

-immune anon back again! Submitting another one of my own character sillies! I do apologize for how long this is lol once I get rambling I can’t stop rambling!! :P

Welcome back! And with another amazing OC, banger after banger I swear.

It's very sweet that their relationship is stable with the Bachelor; Daniil isn't the easiest person to get along with, let alone share a life with. He still deserves love like anyone else, both of them constantly putting in the effort to ensure each other's comfort and needs are met is the epitome of love.

And only one year younger! Does that mean they met in university 👀 or high school sweethearts? I love relationships that are built on friendships.

Fighting over petty things is just Daniil's love language dw, he is just built like that. Happy to see Falin give him a taste of his own medicine too.

God, it's genius how you weaved him into the story! Alexander just sent a letter to the first psychologist he got recommended because he's still not over how Peter weaselled his way out of punishment.

The both of them having no idea they're going to the same place. Daniil is on one of his work trips to meet a supposed immortal man after an old colleague, Isidor Burakh, sent him an invitation offering arrangements.

While Falin received a letter asking for a psychological evaluation of a man whose last name sounds really similar to that famous architect who built the Capital bridge.

THE CLARA SUBPLOT I CAN'T

IT'S SO FITTING OF HER

-

Falin: So how are we siblings?

Clara: Wouldn't you like to know, miracle boy.

-

I absolutely adore the meta reason of them being siblings! They come in packs! Do not separate!!! oh, my heart, that's so precious. Even tho they just met, they feel this connection as if they've known each other from a long time ago.

Maybe the toy set was marketed as the "Miracle siblings!" or something. The two sandcastle kids took it literally but then had a fight and separated Falin and Clara.

The "I'm mom's favourite" line took me out.

Finally, some bpd rep. God I relate to him so much, that paranoia really never goes away and it blends itself so well with your own thoughts that it's hard to separate the shadows from the truth.

Bpd is also a personality disorder, rather than a chemical imbalance in the brain like depression. Meds can't "cure" it, only lessen the symptoms. It's a learned pattern of behaviour that one must unlearn.

Why do I feel Alexander would be lowkey touched by someone being snippy with him in a daddy issues way? Sure, he will never show it, but at least he got to experience the equivalent of being a dad dealing with a moody teenager for like a couple minutes. He would never tolerate any disrespect towards his wife, however. Falin is welcome to blame and curse him out as long as Katerina's name stays off his tongue.

There is a symbolic parallel between him bleeding himself out to bring people back to life, equating his blood to the worth of gold, then being hit with his period, preventing him from using his miracles for a while.

It's having a choice that's the moral. One was him giving his blood out of his own agency, taking it out of his own body and using it for good.

The other was blood forcibly being taken out from him in the form of a period. Suddenly that blood is draining him and exhausting, removing all his agency as he has no choice but to endure it. It especially hurts more with how much he is worried about others figuring out he is trans.

The one thing special and extremely helpful is being twisted and weaponise against him, threatening to expose his identity while stealing away his magic.

I'm glad to see Falin and Franziska are friends! or at least know each other. I love when OCs are connected and have intertwined stories.

[longislandcharm]

PARTIES: @longislandcharm, @vanishingreyes TIMING: Early August SUMMARY: Winter is forced by her production team to see a therapist and ends up on Dr. Reyes' couch. The sessions aren't off to a great start. WARNINGS: Just to be safe, slight mentions of substance abuse

“Let’s get this over with.” Winter threw her purse down on the couch before plopping down next to it. When she had ended production so suddenly with talk of a mental breakdown the producers of Spirit Speak thought it would be a good idea to mandate some therapy sessions before she could come back. She’d been busy since then, too busy to see anyone, but her manager had been hounding her to start sessions as soon as possible because she needed a written statement of wellness. Who knew how long that would take? So, here she was. And she already hated it. The medium wasn’t one to really talk about her feelings and it’s not like she could tell the psychologist that there was an actual incident with a spirit. She would definitely be put in an institution if she did.

“How does this work? I tell you why I had a breakdown, you prescribe some sort of antidepressant, and then I’m on my merry way?” She knew full well that wasn’t how this would go but a girl had to try, right? The sooner this woman believed she was fine the better. Winter crossed her arms over her chest, bringing one leg over the other as she took in the office they were in but refused to look at the other or the ghostly man standing in the corner. She wouldn’t acknowledge him. Or the fact that she might actually need to be here. The fear that she really was having a full break was heavy on her mind and she didn’t need those thoughts to worsen with the glare he was sending her. “It was just a rough night. I don’t know why they’re making such a big deal about it.”

It wasn’t uncommon for people to feel less-than-thrilled at best about going to therapy. Xóchitl didn’t blame them. She’d had her fair share of less-than-ideal therapists. “Of course.” She readjusted her position. 

“Not exactly, no. I’m not a psychiatrist, and I also don’t believe in just prescribing and letting people go. It’s important to keep an ongoing relationship, even if it turns into us just checking in to see how your medication works.” This woman was going to be one of the trickier ones Xóchitl had worked with, that much she could tell, but that much she also didn’t mind so much. It gave her a thrill (however strange that might’ve been) to figure out complex cases. Or even resistant cases, which she supposed was closer to what this was. 

“Probably because those are people who care about you, and they’re concerned. It’s fine, this is judgment free; you can vent or talk or anything. Also, please, you can call me Xóchitl. No need for me to be Doctor Reyes here. I think that makes things a whole lot less personal, and, in turn, less effective.”

“Oh, perfect. This should be a lot more pleasurable than I thought.” Sarcasm dripped from her words while Winter mentally cursed her manager. The woman didn’t believe in prescribing and letting people go so she wasn’t even going to get a fun prescription out of this for a little while and she had to check in. Someone shoot her. 

She leaned forward, arms still crossed over her chest. “You don’t need to talk to me like I’m five, Dr. Reyes.” God, she was being bitchier than usual. She almost felt bad…almost. “I know how therapy works. I was forced into it as a kid too so it’s not my first go around so I know when someone is being a tad condescending.” Winter’s voice had lost the slight edge to it as she spoke of her childhood run in with a therapist. She’d almost forgotten the brief stint but the memory did bring back some info she’d lost along the way while she sat back again. Sylvia. How could she forget Sylvia? “I had an imaginary friend for a few years and my dad was concerned when I was still talking to her by age ten so he sent me to someone.” 

Her mind had drifted and Winter hadn’t meant to give the doctor that much information. Yes, she knew how therapy worked, but she also knew it was a slippery slope and once you started really talking everything seemed to come to light. Xóchitl didn’t need to know she had seen people before. Hell, she didn’t know she had seen anyone at all. The best distraction was to talk about why she was here in the first place. “Anyway, I freaked out while filming a weird scene and thought I saw something but it turned out to be nothing.”

Xóchitl knew full well that she wasn’t supposed to roll her eyes at clients, but sometimes it took every ounce of her concentration to keep from doing so. Which, thankfully, she’d mastered but she still took in a silent deep breath before she refocused on the woman in front of her. 

“This is how I talk to most everyone, Winter.” She raised an eyebrow. “And you’re just as welcome to call me Dr. Reyes as you are to call me Xóchitl, I want this space to be as comfortable for you as is possible.” If it were more appropriate, and if she were the oversharing type, then Xóchitl might’ve told the woman in front of her that she hadn’t always had the best therapists, but there was a part of her that also figured the other woman might think she was just trying too hard again. “Guessing you weren’t too thrilled about that, huh? Makes sense, I don’t know if I’d be thrilled either.”

Even if it wasn’t a whole lot, the woman talking about anything was as good a start as she could hope for. “Could I ask what it was you saw? Or didn’t actually see but people thought you did?”

“So, you’re condescending to everyone then?” There was a slight smirk on Winter’s lips as she moved her head to the side. It seemed to her that the medium might have been getting to the doctor just a smidge and any time the girl could cause frustration no matter the type was always a good time. Maybe she needed to talk to the other woman about why that in particular was so satisfying to her but it was already quite clear that Winter wasn’t the sharing type. “What child is happy about being forced into therapy? For that matter, what person is? Doesn’t make things very comfortable for anyone.”

Give an inch just to take a mile, that was the key with most therapists. If you gave a little bit of the truth, unwillingly at that, they were most likely to believe the rest of the bull that would come, something that she remembered from her childhood. Hopefully, Dr. Reyes was the same way. “I thought I saw…” Pausing, she did her best to look hesitant with what she wanted to say. In a way, she was. Did Winter tell the truth here as well or did she make up some sort of lie? It wasn’t like Dr. Reyes could break confidentiality and tell the world that she didn’t actually see ghosts before but she’d let that slip to a few people already and was torn. She decided to do something in between. “I thought I saw some weirdo trying to break onto the set. Like some sort of hallucination or something. But he moved too quickly for it to be real.”

Her eyes cut over to the corner of the room where her ghost was blatantly laughing at her and she had to roll her eyes. Winter just hoped the doctor would think it was more because of the statement she’d just made than a reaction to something that wasn’t there. 

“According to you, apparently.” It seemed to Xóchitl that this woman was very much used to people bending at her will, at getting whatever she wanted. If nothing else, maybe this would be a good opportunity to show her how that certainly wasn’t always the case. “I doubt anyone is happy to be forced, but considering you aren’t a child, if you really don’t want to be here, you are welcome to leave.” She gave a noncommittal shrug of her shoulders. She certainly didn’t in any way want to drop this woman as a client, but she seemed to perhaps need a bit of tough love.

The woman had seen something that wasn’t there. Xóchitl, for a moment, wanted to remark that the same sort of thing had happened to her, but there was no way. She was hardly willing to talk about that with her babysitter and her parents and that one girlfriend she’d had for three years of college – there was no way she was going to admit that in front of this woman. Not to mention, it would have been highly inappropriate and unprofessional.

“That’s something – did you call attention to it, or did it bring you anxiety?” She paused for a moment, unsure of exactly how to proceed, wanting to tread carefully (and figuring that she had to, if she wanted Winter to stay around. “Or maybe everyone else was more worried than you were?”

“And yet my show won’t go on unless I seek counsel. Sure looks to me like I’m being forced.” She most likely could have talked her way into starting the show up without seeing someone, the production company didn’t care whether or not she was having a mental breakdown as long as the ratings were good. Even her own mother would never have allowed a slip in Winter’s character to stop her beloved Spirit Speak. But the crew, the director, they had all been worried enough to threaten walking out if she returned without seeing a therapist. Or had they been afraid? That one made more sense. Either way, it looked like Winter was stuck with this until she was cleared to return because as irritated as she got with the majority of them she still felt like they were sort of family. She eyed the doctor, her gaze penetrating, daring the woman to argue that case. “That show is everything to me.”

For a split second, the patient could see something etched into the doctor’s features. Maybe it was understanding or recognition, maybe it was some sort of judgment, she couldn’t quite tell since the emotion was wiped away before it could register. It did leave a curiosity that commonly took over her own mind though. She wouldn’t ask, this was Winter’s appointment after all, but she made a mental note of the happenings. 

“Of course I called attention to it, I thought someone was breaking in.” She shrugged a shoulder, not wanting to reveal the type of bone crushing fear that had taken over her that night and still lingered even now. She put on a brave face but Winter wasn’t as brave as she pretended to be and this ghost following her around still scared her even if he hadn’t done anything to try and harm her yet. “I was scared, yea, but who wouldn’t be? I think everyone else was scared of me. They didn’t see what I saw.”

“Well then I am sorry about that. I don’t think anybody should be forced to do anything,” even if it was supposedly for their benefit, Xóchitl figured. Putting requirements on things like this — they only lessened the likelihood of something actually helping, because if this woman – Winter – only saw this as a requirement, Xóchitl wasn’t sure if she’d be as willing to believe that it could help. It wasn’t going to hurt to try to help her (Xóchitl was intent on doing her job, even if faced with pushback), and there was a part of her that wondered why she was so resistant to all of this.

She wondered if it would be weird if she looked up the show and watched an episode. It would just be gathering background information on her client, wouldn’t it? Yet Xóchitl figured it would also be a bit weird, especially given the hesitancy Winter already had about therapy.

“As well you should have,” Xóchitl nodded. “So then they judged you because of it?” It was halfway between a statement and a question, because she knew part of the answer. “Seems pretty lame if they got scared of you just because of that. But I’m not here to judge. Unless you want me to?”

For some reason, Winter had believed the doctor when she gave her apology. There was a sincerity in the therapist’s voice that pushed back at some of the medium’s hostility, the girl searching the other’s face for any reason to let the feeling rise again. She wanted to not like her. She wanted a reason to tell production that her opinion on Winter didn’t matter, but she didn’t have anything to snap back at her this time. “I guess.” The words lacked the fierceness that had been accompanying all of the others so far and she again looked away towards the man standing in the corner if only to concentrate on something else. 

He was still an ass though. His eyebrow was raised, probably wondering where this was going to go, but he stayed a silent observer just as he had since the day he’d been tied to Winter. “I wouldn’t say they judged me.” She looked back at the doctor, trying to forget about the ghost who was most definitely judging her right now. “I saw something that nobody else did. I should have mentioned there were others facing the same direction as me and not one of them saw the guy either.” Or his ghoulish appearance. “Concern is more the word we’re looking for here.”  It was her turn to raise an eyebrow, that edge returning to her words. “Why would I want you to judge me, doc? Seems like something a therapist shouldn’t really do.” Had enough time passed yet? This wasn’t getting them anywhere, admittedly because Winter refused to tell the truth though. She looked at her phone to check the time and thankfully it was getting to that point. “Besides, the session is ending soon so we should leave on a high note, right?”

[msjr0119]

This Life

The majority of characters belong to Pixelberry from The Royal Romance/Heir.

Series warnings ⚠️: Adult language, sexual.

Based on the Netflix series- Sex/life. Some situations are based on canon.

Tags: Because I’ve been gone MIA in like forever I don’t know who’s here anymore 🙈… so I’m not tagging specific people.

****

School psychologists aren't supposed to write books or diaries about sex. Doing so would be considered 'unethical' and 'a fireable offense'. Lucky for you, ethics was never my strong suit.

****

January 3rd

New year. New start? No. Same shit, different year. It hasn’t always been ‘bad’ though.

There was a time in my life where I was; wild, fun, happy. I was living the time of my life. As if there was no tomorrow. No worries. Anxiety- what anxiety? No sleep. It didn’t matter to me. Caffeine was my best friend as well as Liv. Both getting me through each day. Thinking back to those days- I was vulnerable. The reason why… HIM.

The man who has not been named ‘out loud’ in nearly a decade. However, just recently the memories keep flooding in my mind. I’m not sure why? As much as I try to erase them, they return immediately. Today I spent the afternoon vacantly staring at my child as he caused chaos around me. Typical toddler, some may suggest. My boy- he was…is, a blessing. To begin with, I wasn’t sure if I could be a mother. Half of the time, I’m surprised that I’ve managed to look after myself all of these years. Motherhood- that was never a high priority in my future when I imagined my fairytale life in my adolescence. Honestly, my only goal in life was to achieve my PHD in Psychology. Oh, how that went ‘tits up’.

My husband- he was my saviour five years ago. Most of our close friends and family assumed that Nate was just a rebound. Deep down, I probably believed that too back then. However, he proved everyone wrong- including myself. For the last five years he’s provided for me but for also for Preston. Most people would think that I sound ungrateful for the life that I have. Maybe I am?

The majority would dream for what I have; the wonderful house outside the city. The opportunity to not have to work for now- the life of a typical housewife. The privilege to own nice yet expensive cars due to Nate’s promotion. And not forgetting the support from Preston’s nanny- Ioana. Why isn’t all of this enough for me? I often think…What if, I had never agreed to that coffee date with Nate on our first meeting? Would my life have been any different? Could I have rekindled with the man who made me feel invisible- electrified? The intimacy with him. God, I miss it. I miss him. Back then, I was caught up in the euphoria of the moment. ‘For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and cherish, until parted by death’ I keep reminding myself about the vows that we made- ‘I am happily married’. But, is that true?

“Shit!” Looking at her watch, Riley realised that the day had rapidly disappeared. Nate could be returning home at any point.

“Mommy, you….”

“I know, Preston. I’m sorry I said a naughty word.” Scrutinising the mess surrounding them- Riley deleted all of what she had noted down, before rushing around like a headless chicken in her night wear still. Hearing the door open, she panicked slightly before recognising the familiar face. Phew.

“Excuse me, Miss Riley- but your sister and Mr Liam have just got here. I can take Preston for his bath if you’d like?”

Shit.

“Erm, Ioana- let them in, I’ll quickly run upstairs and make myself decent. Preston, honey- why don’t you show Ioana the train track that we made earlier on? It’s amazing isn’t it?”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“I don’t know why they are here?!” Ioana provided a soft smile towards Riley as she mouthed this and guested that she would be one minute.

Running back downstairs dodging the washing and stray toys, Riley realised that she had two missed calls and voicemails.

Hey, girl.

Sorry I didn’t return your call earlier on. It’s been a busy crazy day. I’m back in the city- you sounded a bit upset on the voicemail. Meet up, tomorrow? Let me know.

Hello beautiful,

Just to let you know, I’m running slightly behind tonight. Emergency meeting with Katrina and ‘the big boy bosses’. I hopefully won’t be too long. I will grab some food at work- just see to yourself and Preston. Love you.

“Nothing new there, then. Working late again wasn’t expecting that at all- oh silly, me. He’s probably so far up her arse…..”

“Riley.” Lindsey shouted interrupting her sisters negative thoughts regarding her husband and his new boss.

“Hey guys. Sorry about the mess. Erm… it was Nate’s first day back at work and myself and Preston are still in the holiday mood. We still need to get back into the normal routine… anyway…. What are you doing here?” Lindsey and Liam gave each other a look- they both didn’t know how to ‘sweet talk’ the discussion that they needed to have with Riley.

“Well… we haven’t seen you since Christmas. So we thought that we’d pay you a visit.”

“It was less than two weeks ago, we’ve gone months without seeing each other before.”

“Erm…” Lindsey stuttered which encouraged Liam to continue the conversation. “Well we know that Nate is working longer hours now- we know that you have Ioana for company but if you wanted a different change of scenery…. We are here. Always.” Focusing her attention towards her sister instead of Liam - Lindsey provided a sheepish smile towards Riley.

“Linz you’ve always been a rubbish liar. What’s the real reason as to why you’ve spontaneously shown up here?”

“Ioana, are you okay looking after Preston for a couple of extra hours whilst we take Riley to the city? Mommy’s night off. I believe she deserves it?”

“Of course, Mr Liam. That is no problem. I agree, Miss Riley should go and enjoy herself.”

****

New York is a city of diversity and dynamism. As well as a city of politics, economy and culture. Even though I don’t live within the city anymore- this is home. The natural feeling of ‘home’ occurs every time that I enter the city. Each corner has a different story to tell. Mixed emotions. Memories both bad and good that will last a lifetime.

To begin with- Riley kept looking over her shoulder in the bars that the trio had entered. Was there some hope that she could see him? If there was to be an unexpected meeting she wasn’t quite sure on how to react. Due to anxiety and nerves - Riley began to take advantage of the alcohol as well as the child free night. The last known location for the man in question was California. Because of this she began to let her hair loose - something which pleased Lindsey but also worried her at the same time.

“Liv’s flat is literally next door. I’ll just go and surprise her and see if she wants to join us, okay?”

“Okay, we’ll get you both a drink. Gin and tonic?” Liam asked.

“No, make it two JD and cokes. It’s what myself and Liv always had during our… fun… days. Nights. Mornings…. I’ll be two minutes.”

“Liam- JD and coke, minus the JD for Ri.” Lindsey whispered to her husband, as they watched Riley enter the flat safely.

“I think she will need a coffee rather than fizzy pop to attempt to conceal the alcohol consumption from Nate. When Riley returns with or without Liv we are telling her the truth, Linz. Olivia will be the extra support that she may require.”

****

“Surprise!”

“Ri… what are you doing here? I suggested to meet up tomorrow on the voicemail.”

“Yeah I know, but….” Stumbling against the wall, Olivia stepped out quickly shutting the door quietly.

“Are you drunk?”

“No! Maybe. Only, slightly.” Shrugging her shoulders, she knew that Nate would berate her for being in this position. However, she didn’t care for now.

“Anyway Linz and Liam sort of dragged me out to the city- because I can never get out, I thought you could join me- us. Like old times…. But obviously old times were just you and I. It’ll be fun though…. I need to talk to you anyway…. I’ve been having these weird dreams. Memories keep rushing back of me and him….” Before Riley could continue with her word vomit - Olivia prevented her from continuing.

“Now isn’t a good time….I’m still jet-lagged from Paris. Tomorrow would better, honey. For me. I can come to you… or you could come back to the city with Preston. Whichever is easier….”

“Who’s Preston?” Standing frozen as if she had seen a ghost, Riley’s brain began to shrivel and not function properly. “I’m assuming he’s the new lucky man in your life?” Not responding to the questions- Riley couldn’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

“It’s good to see you, Brooks.”