#howdy is an anarchist

[krasytoonz]

medieval roast

[mcmansionhell]

mojo dojo casa house

Howdy folks! Sorry for the delay, I was, uhhhh covering the Tour de France. Anyway, I'm back in Chicago which means this blog has returned to the Chicago suburbs. I'm sure you've all seen Barbie at this point so this 2019 not-so-dream house will come as a pleasant (?) surprise.

Yeah. So this $2.4 million, 7 bed, 8.5+ bath house is over 15,000 square feet and let me be frank: that square footage is not allocated in any kind of efficient or rational manner. It's just kind of there, like a suburban Ramada Inn banquet hall. You think that by reading this you are prepared for this, but no, you are not.

Scale (especially the human one) is unfathomable to the people who built this house. They must have some kind of rare spatial reasoning problem where they perceive themselves to be the size of at least a sedan, maybe a small aircraft. Also as you can see they only know of the existence of a single color.

Ok, but if you were eating a single bowl of cereal alone where would you sit? Personally I am a head of the table type person but I understand that others might be more discreet.

It is undeniable that they put the "great" in great room. You could race bicycles in here. Do roller derby. If you gave this space to three anarchists you would have a functioning bookshop and small press in about a week.

The island bit is so funny. It's literally so far away it's hard to get them in the same image. It is the most functionally useless space ever. You need to walk half a mile to get from the island to the sink or stove.

Of course, every McMansion has a room just for television (if not more than one room) and yet this house fails even to execute that in a way that matters. Honestly impressive.

The rug placement here is physical comedy. Like, they know they messed up.

Bling had a weird second incarnation in the 2010s HomeGoods scene. Few talk about this.

Honestly I think they should have scrapped all of this and built a bowling alley or maybe a hockey rink. Basketball court. A space this grand is wasted on sports of the table variety.

You would also think that seeing the rear exterior of this house would help to rationalize how it's planned but:

Not really.

Anyways, thanks for coming along for another edition of McMansion Hell. I'll be back to regular posting schedule now that the summer is over so keep your eyes peeled for more of the greatest houses to ever exist. Be sure to check the Patreon for today's bonus posts.

Also P.S. - I'm the architecture critic for The Nation now, so check that out, too!

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

Not into recurring payments? Try the tip jar, because media work is especially recession-vulnerable.

[all-things-are-nothing-to-me]

Announcing A(k)CAB, A Kansas City Anarchist Bookfair!

FREE

October 12th

Inside Howdy & Farewell

6515 Stadium Dr, Kansas City, MO 64129

(the venues are nextdoor to each other, you'll figure it out)

12pm to 6pm.

All ages.

We’re really excited to announce the first Anarchist Bookfair in KCMO. It will include books, zines, art, food, friends, workshops, and other fun shit. We’ll be able to share and connect with anarchist publishers, artists, distros and other anarchics from all over the midwest.

We welcome folks to show up and table. There is also still space for more workshops, talks, and other activities.

If you plan on tabling, please try to bring your own table. If you need a table and cannot get one, reach out to us beforehand.

Tablers so far include Warzone Distro, Oogle Zines, Greygoo, Wasteland Distro, Prisoners Cinema, KC Mutual Aid, Uncivilized Podcast, and Nihil Distro.

Email akcabcollective@proton.me if you have any questions or need anything.

If LBC was still a thing we would of invited them.

For joy and anarchy in Missouri and everywhere!

[folk-punk-opossum]

[Trans flag blinkie that says "punk/punks + he/they"]

Intro Post! Updates Occasionally!

Howdy!! I’m an anthro draconic opossum that may or may not be some sort of fae, I’m rat-hearted and I also consider myself a opossum therian! I’m anarchogender + transmasc nonbinary, and an anarchist without adjectives.

I mostly post folk punk stuff, I’ll probably post my own personal DIY stuff and all that. I want to play so many instruments but alas we’re poor; one day I'll start posting shitty folk punk music. I’ll also post general punk stuff, anarchy stuff, trash critters, my personal art and OCs, TTRPG stuff, whatever tf I write, and I’ll probably reblog some fandoms I like every now and then.

Collective Main Blog: @wayward-tides-collective

Collective Spam (mostly fandom & memes) Blog: @wayward-tides-collective-spam

[cookie-catcoon]

Definitely being awake for 24 hours makes me think that I can't hide my terrible secret...

I can't take it much longer...

...

YES, I'M A HOWDY SIMP!!! THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T MATTER, I LOVE IT although I know very few of them they have me spellbound, of course no one compares to my beautiful wife... but god...

✨Howdy✨

The truth is I decided to draw my favorites starting with the anarchist, Royal Howdy, I love medieval themes and I feel that he is so cute despite being an anarchist💖

This beautiful version of Howdy belongs to @krasytoonz ✨

The other version of the one that I totally LOVE is Mob! Howdy, I LOVE THEMES THAT LOOK LIKE OR ARE MAFIA and more when they make it look so good. I even want to make a fanfic about him but my English is not that good 😭

This handsome version of Howdy belongs to @clownsuu ✨

I hope you like it, the truth makes me shy to show my fanarts but I feel proud of them at the same time HAHAHAHA

[2-sleepy-for-this]

HII!! it's the same anon that did the t!hovie ask and OMD YOUR RESPONSE HAD ME SO GIDDY AHH

i never even thought about t!hobie and mayday but now you've planted the image in my head and i can't get it out! he definitely doesn't mind being picked up and hugged by her! the first time peter catches them during their secret bonding he immediately rushes over and starts mauling the hell out of him as he checks him over to see if he's hurt while hobie is trying to squirm away 😭

AND MIGUEL!! he'd definitely be desperate to make hobie someone else's problem but I can just imagine the times where he's alone with a tiny swing maniac ahsgsj at some point he just snatches him out of the air, drops him into a jar and continues with his business, while hobie is fuming and yelling about the oppression of voices or smth ahsgasjhssh not to mention miguel probably had to spent a ton of time with hobie getting his measurements for his own mini watch 😭😭 he definitely went to go visit spider-therpist after he was done

i absaloutely love the chase scene with pav and hobie! they're running and swinging for their lives, holding on to each other and the book it down the halls while screaming their asses off until they find miles and crawl all over him (if he's in his normal clothes they totally either jump into his pockets or hoods)

also when hobie visits gwens house to give the watch to her dad? traumatic for the police chief for realll 😭 I can imagine he's just home from work, so still in his uniform, and then a tiny dude just struts up onto his coffee table holding a giant watch and giving him the most judgemental glare ever. "a real piece of work" frr!

ANYWAYS TYSM FOR LISTENING TO ANOTHER T!HOBIE RANT AAHH

howdy! Sorry I took so long to respond, I was camping :)

anywho, YESS Peter just grabs hobie and starts moving him all around, looking him over all while hobie is debating whether to keep his chill or squirm. He chose bite. Hence why, after that incident I fully believe that miles heard that he bit Peter, so when hobie is all over him constantly miles is trying to remain still so he doesn’t get bitten as well. He would also teach mayday to bite.

oh, hobie would definitely yell about oppression of voices… and in the case that he’s put in pocket jail you’d just have a spider person talking to Miguel or Peter then suddenly they’d hear disembodied screaming about power trying to suppress the voice of the people… the spider person would be so confused while the one they’re talking to just ignores it and slowly just puts a hand over their pocket slowly. Also, spider people at some point try to actively avoid crossing the door to Miguel’s office because every once in a while the door will swing open, Miguel will flag down the nearest person and put them in charge of tiny anarchist watching duty.

pav and hobie would be BOOKING IT down the hall, there would be screaming, there would be so much drama, especially from pav. There would be a moment when pav gets stuck somewhere as they’re being chased and pulls a ‘I can’t go on!’ Scene as hobie goes back and carries him to safety. Also, hobie would be laughing so hard mid chase while pav is lowkey horror movie victim running, they could both just have the spider people chasing them lose them at anytime but that’s not as fun. At some point they see miles and run for him, miles would be so confused as he just felt two tiny spiders climbing his legs and clinging to his neck while sitting on his shoulders. Pav would be screaming incoherently about miles running while clinging to him and miles would be so confused until hobie, relaxing on miles hair, just goes ‘you probably want to run’ pointing to the mob… miles: ‘NOT AGAIN!’

Gwen’s poor dad would be so confused, this tiny punk just shows up on his coffee table pulling around a watch twice his size. I feel like Gwen’s dad would try to ask about his size and hobies just like ‘what of it?���. He’d definitely be a price of work and it would be even more impressive if he made Gwen’s watch while tiny, it would be a lot harder to pocket materials and miles would make it more difficult by moving the things away from him on a different table while he’s trying to steal.

TYSM FOR THE MESSAGES I LOVE THIS SM I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS BRAIN GOIN BRR OVER THESE CHARACTERS

[theenpcbracket]

Seeding Round: Poll 1

Image IDs are included, click each for the full image please!

More about each NPC below the cut!

Character Descriptions are in the order of their appearance in the poll!

Character 1

Name: Angtha Reinhardt Party: The Fosters Relationship to party: Previous pest, current comrade. What makes them the best NPC: She's a butch anarchist three-quarters orc cowpoke, just to set the stage. Though she started out morally dubious and doubtfully loyal, she's worked through some stuff and has become a dedicated, passionate, and good-hearted friend to the party. Part fighter, part bard, part homebrew caster, Angtha is an all-around heavyweight in battle -- whether it's bashing heads, inspiring her friends, or coming in clutch with last-resort counterspells, she's got your back. Other quirks include her inability to cook (her favorite dish is medium rare chicken soaked in whiskey), her love of ridiculously huge weapons, and her ultimate desire to help people make the world a better place for everyone (except for CEO's). Quote: "I didn't say 'hey,' I said 'howdy.'"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Character 2

Name: Hellen Highwater Party: Team Kill Relationship to party: A party member's girlfriend, a party member

What makes them the best NPC: She's very silly and makes so many puns, she's a dragonblood sorcerer whose dad is a copper dragon. For most of her life she could spit acid and thought it was just because of the specific ancestry she had and had no clue it could have been related to her copper-y scales. She was the first person to really get to know the party's resident edgy man. Originally she was supposed to be a minor part of the plot, sending the party letters from her home, but the party and the DM liked her so much she managed to stay in the party.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Character 3

Name: Prince Indus Party: Tesser's gayest soldiers Relationship to party: Prince of the kingdom the party finds themselves in, and also the man betrothed to one of the biggest lesbians in the party

What makes them the best NPC: He's a war criminal. He's aroace. He's socially inept and filled with guilt over the aforementioned War Crimes. Surprisingly though he desperately tries to make his relationship with his (supposed) future wife go smoothly even though neither of them want to go through with the marriage - also his PC wife has no clue that she's in an arranged marriage with him. Also he might want to kill his dad (somewhat justifiably).

[starscatteredsky]

Howdy! Ive been looking for some chewelry for a while, but theres a lot out there, haha. Its pretty hard to find good ones. Do you have any that you would recommend?

Thanks a bunch!

-🧬🐭

so we ourself only have one piece of chewlery, but have been looking around for more for a while!! here’s some suggestions!

now i wasn’t sure if you wanted just some plain ones, or themed ones, so i did a bit of both, but if you want me to find specific themed ones, send in another ask!! happy to help!

these adorable mushroom necklaces! we ourselves haven’t ordered from this shop before, but have been planning to for a while. this one is not recommended for people who like to bite/chew hard! gentle nomming only /silly

2. these sweet ghost charms!! reviews claim them to be a bit tougher, so might be more durable! it’s always good to be careful with smaller charms though!

3. these plainer pendants are lovely, i have one rather similar! they’re quite durable, and highly recommended for aggressive/hard biters

4. these thin, gem shaped ones are a nicer shape for some people!! don’t bite them too hard, the thinner shape can be more brittle! (though reviews claim they soften overtime!)

5. these star chewy necklaces are tough, durable, and good for first time chewelry! they come in plenty of colours, and are plain enough to go with most outfits!

6. these leaf ones come in plenty of plain/muted colours, and are adorable! they look subtle enough to look like normal jewelry, and are reviewed to be durable for hard chewers

hope these are a good place to start! good luck!

-👾

Requests open!!!

[image description:

a DNI banner with the background being the promotional image for Little Nightmares 2. The writing reads:

"DNI: radqueers, proshippers, radfems/TERFs, antikin/antitherian, homophobic/ ableist/ anti ACAB/ transphobic/ rasist/ antisemitic/ xenophobic/ antitheist/ anti athiest/ bigoted in any fashion, NSFW/sh/ed/cringe centered blog, fakeclaimer

Before you interact: We are pro mspec gays/lesbians, anti endo/tulpa "systems", enjoy MCYT/DSMP, pro self diagnoses with extensive research, multiple alters are punks/ anarchists"

end description]

[the-trans-folk-witch]

An untimely intro: Numb and hollow

Howdy folks!👋

This “blog” or cringey tumblr page is a battle cry at best- maybe a cry for help at worst. A plague of words ensues…

Grammar, punctuation and clever wording misses me despite being educated on writing formal statements/grants at a postgraduate level 🤡. Enjoy the occasional plot twist, gobsmack, misplaced comma, and tone-deaf emoji use. This “blog” is a mix of occult texts, free books, zines, and works made by me and others. It is a crossroads of formalities and comedic slander. And the occasional look into my thoughts.

I’m sure anyone reading this already knows me from Instagram and my now late podcast of the same name as this blog. So I won’t waste your time reintroducing myself and my goals. You know my brand, and roughly, my views despite how they may have changed since we last spoke. My goal here is to write more and slowly ease into the release of my first book and my second zine. I want to relive my edgy tumblr days with a more anarchistic approach than before. I invite you to join me. maybe this will help me learn how to avoid run-on sentences… or what fonts the public will judge me for using. (Comic sans girlies rise up). Perhaps I’ll learn to use parentheses and dashes correctly for once. Time will tell.

Now that I’ve fed you an over-cooked appetizer, let’s move on to the meat of the discussion. This is an update on my writings of the Guardian Angel and the other texts I have been forming. It has been a year in the making and hopefully I will be done with it this summer. It will not be long. It is a free book styled to appear as a cheesy church pamphlet. It is UPG laced with the some dogma from the Catholic church and the occasional hint of Protestant revivalist churches from the hills. I plan to reinvigorate the use or relation to the Holy Guardian Angel (HGA) in a roundabout way that incapsulates my own practice while leaving room for yours. I want it to be used as a guide, But not as a Bible. Hopefully it will come across as well as I intend for it to. It has been harder than I imagined.

Now for the long term plans for this blog. As of now, my podcast is on hold. So consider this it’s child despite the difference between my written voice and my informal speaking voice. The podcast is canned. Possibly forever. I may come back to it. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe years from now. I’m sure you all caught onto that. I have removed most every episode. The only ones available are ones that I had friends guest star in. Thank you to all of you who helped me become who I am today in this community. Even though as of now my following is only 500-600 people, it’s bigger than I’ve ever been anywhere before. I’m rather private. In fact that’s why I’ve removed most of my podcast. As many have been told, I have been receiving a lot of hateful messages from terfs and neo-pagans. Topics such as transphobia and anti-folk-catholic shit has taken over my inbox on many platforms. However, this is not the only reason I’m stepping back from my podcast. I recently graduated from school and I am working on my career. I have decided to make myself less accessible to the public for my mental health but also to focus on privatizing my practice. I want to revolutionize my followers and to have proper discussions surrounding witchcraft that make people uncomfortable. I want an interaction that my podcast could not allow. I want to write in lengths and words that Instagram does not allow. I feel as though I’ve lost my voice since my early college days when I wrote daily. I hope to strengthen my bonds with those I’ve met online while closing myself off to those who I do not trust. Making a public blog is not the way to go about that I’m aware. But who uses tumblr? 😂. This is a starting place. I may one day put a price tag on my writing. Definitely for my other books and zines I have been working on this past year. But until then, enjoy my ramblings.

Dialogue is always welcome. Oh, and don’t make a fumblr account just for me. My blog is accessible on a browser without a log in. I’m not chasing likes. I’m just typing into the void.

The trans folk witch, out ✌️ 💋. My Links

[krasytoonz]

Finally done with all of them! I’ll explain the lore and everything later bahaa

Update: check my pinned post! The summary’s up!

Update 28 June 2023:

(Hello there, Sunny!) *side character, won’t appear much in royal au (NOT an oc)

Update 10 august 2023:

Eddie out of his Armor!

[thecluelessdoctor]

i got bored and decided to draw Hanabee in @krasytoonz 's royal AU lol.

Hanabee would most likely be a ex-royal guard, and now just a blacksmith that works for the king. She would also probably train the newer royal guard members when she could. Possibly Eddie's trainer???

She is said to have the finest blades in the kingdom of home. She might not be the brightest, but she knows her craft well.

she isn't loyal to the kingdom, but she isn't with the rebellion either. She will give her blades to who ever may need them (she's a good judge of that) orrrr they have the money lmAo.

She absolutely HATES Julie and Sally. The duo have probably stolen from her which just doesnt fly with her. Those blades take a lot of time to make, she doesn't want some... thieves taking them!! (Though every once in a while she will give a blade for free. Normally to someone with out much defenses)

She has only met howdy a few times. They are both unaware that they are related. She met howdy once when he attempted to buy a sword (all of them were too big for his noodle arms lmao) and a few times at the tavern he seemingly works at. She overheard him convincing the towns folk and.. she just doesn't care anymore.

She lost both her arms, wing, and a eye when she was in the royal guard which is why she was forced to retire. She always avoids answering when asked..

She is fairly close to Eddie (possibly because she could be his teacher wew) and often times will sword play with him when they both have the time. She is also the kingdoms number one (and only one) Royal adviser and Eddie shipper lmao.

The only times she has talked to the royal adviser was when the royal adviser was ordering swords for the royal guard. She gets a little grumpy when she finds out the guards have broken her swords, but she obliges.

She has only spoken to the king once, when she was told to become the royal blacksmith. That was the only time.

Now, she has spoken to the royal jester many times! Barnaby tends to come in just to talk. She doesn't mind it really, she enjoys the company. It's not often someone other than Eddie comes in to talk. As long as Barnaby doesn't try stealing anything or tampering with her work she's ok!

She has met the royal maid only a few times. Really only bumping into her when she's delivering the swords. She pity's the poor maid.

Ye :D

[nerditudes]

character wish list

Howdy! This is my interaction/character wish list for various muses! It could make plotting things easier.

Canon Characters

Artemis: Holly Short, Butler, Alex Rider. If you can provide me a Myles and Beckett, I can give you a tired big brother. Ax: Other Animorphs characters. MARCO. Give me MARCO please. Barty: I'd love some friends for my sad Flashpointed son. Darren: A Steve. My kingdom for a STEVE. Or any other Cirque du Freak characters. Other vampires as well! Gaston: A Beast. They were [canonically] friends as kids. Belles welcome too so long as you don't ship Bellston cuz I can guarantee you his heart literally wouldn't be in it. Lex: Brainiac. I am a Lexniac stan. Mick: Leonard. Fucking. Snart. Give this man his totally platonic not-gay boyfriend. They're just partners in CRIME. Morph: Any XMen. Especially Wolverine [shipping not required but I'm a HUGE Morpherine fan] Niffty: Let her torment a Val or Zestial. BUGS. I fear she'd just STARE at Vox. Sakura: Give her a Syaoran. Kurogane. Fai. HER FAMILY. Wainwright: Hammerlock please! Other Borderlands characters are dope but I need my OLD MAN YAOI.

Original Characters

Darkside: Gimme some Leafmen from Epic, Guardians of Childhood, a few villains here and there. Darkside can and WILL flirt with anyone. Mani: Guardians! Seriously give me all the Guardians of Childhood. Shiva: friends and romance options! Get this cute werewolf out of his shell. Spidey: Spider Society members! I'd love a Hobie for Spidey to take under his anarchistic wing. Miguel would be an interesting character to pit the frequently comedic Spidey against as well.

[thattraumachild]

picking up signal...

racists, terfs, homophobes, transphobes, sexists, and other bigots, nazis and fascists do not interact with me, I will not hesitate to give you the virtual boot

(start ID/image of green text that says "boose gumps", it is misspelled "goosebumps" like the famous children/teen horror book series by R. L. Stine. it is misspelt as a reference to me being dyslexic/end ID)

howdy, I'm Trauma Child, but you can call me Nicotine, Nick or Dean for short. He/Him, very gay

I am punk/goth/anarchist

my poetry account--- @slimeheadwords

my pagan/witchcraft account--- @mythicalfaecraft

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#slimey is personal posts, you don't have to read those

#toxic are (from now on) going to be original posts, as I reblog 9.5/10 of my posts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and if you couldn't tell my favorite color is bright green, black and purple

also I'm very southern, so if I say something that doesn't make sense thats probably why

I love horror and sci-fi a little too much

I'm also dyslexic and have memory problems due to several mental disorders

besides that, I honestly don't know what to put, but enjoy your stay, and asks are always welcomed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

signal lost

(start ID/a gif of spending letters that says "yikes™" the background is supposed to be transparent/end ID)

[theenpcbracket]

The TTRPG NPC Tournament Round 2: Angtha Reinhardt vs. Balthazar D. Blackstone

Images are in the order of the poll! Image ID included, click to see the full image please!

More about each NPC below the cut!

Character 1

Name: Angtha Reinhardt Party: The Fosters Relationship to party: Previous pest, current comrade.

What makes them the best NPC: She's a butch anarchist three-quarters orc cowpoke, just to set the stage. Though she started out morally dubious and doubtfully loyal, she's worked through some stuff and has become a dedicated, passionate, and good-hearted friend to the party. Part fighter, part bard, part homebrew caster, Angtha is an all-around heavyweight in battle -- whether it's bashing heads, inspiring her friends, or coming in clutch with last-resort counterspells, she's got your back. Other quirks include her inability to cook (her favorite dish is medium rare chicken soaked in whiskey), her love of ridiculously huge weapons, and her ultimate desire to help people make the world a better place for everyone (except for CEO's).

Quote: "I didn't say 'hey,' I said 'howdy.'"

To learn more about Angtha, check out the extra propaganda in her tag here!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Character 2

Name: Balthazar D. Blackstone Party: Emissaries of the Cradle of Twilight Relationship to party: One PC's wizard mentor, killed another PC's family. Estranged grandfather figure.

What makes them the best NPC: He is an ancient necromantic bone dragon/skeleton wizard. He has bound his magic in a spell to keep his pet dog around so he can see him once every 100 years!

He is helping the party fight the evil fascist empire. He is the wizard mentor of one of the party members, and also the dragon mentor (helped the PC do a ritual to become a dragon). When the party first met him he was called Magic Max and ran a small magical store. He has published books! He wears old fancy suits because he’s old as balls and likes that fashion best! He’s even trans!

Quote: "For over a thousand years, I have resisted that covetous urge of our kind. But now, after residing here for only a month, seeing how wonderful life can be, being amongst those who have found safety here, it seems that I have made this whole city my hoard.

I didn’t even mean to."

To learn more about Balthazar, check out the extra propaganda in his tag here!

[readjthompson]

Well, since my novelette Cancel Toby Chalmers! (copyright me, now) has been sitting around, completed, for nearly 16 months, I’ve decided to share it for free, until it’s later released as part of a Toby Chalmers collection.

Here are Chapters 8 and 9.

Chapter 8

Yet again, his grip on his dwindling optimism weakening by the moment, Toby visited his Amazon Author Page. Only self-published efforts met his gaze.

He’d released improved edits of Fleshless Fingers and all of his bizarro books, and put together another collection, Mementoes of Madness II, to showcase his short fiction. Not being particularly artistic, he’d culled his cellphone gallery for drunkenly-shot photos of landscapes, spoiled fruit, stars and roadkill, and fashioned makeshift cover designs from them. Sadly, none of his efforts had resulted in so much as a single sale.

There’d been plenty of ratings and reviews, though, both on Amazon and Goodreads, each bearing but a single star out of five. None of the reviewers had bothered to read so much as a word of his prose, it seemed. They wrote, “Don’t buy from this racist,” “Each dollar spent on Toby Chalmers’ fiction gives Hitler’s ghost a boner,” “Nazi writers, fuck off,” and similar single-sentence contributions. Many listed black authors who consumers should consider, as if Toby was actively attempting to oppose such individuals. Some of the reviewers’ names he recognized, editors and authors now united against him.

Toby had deactivated his every social media account, hoping that his detractors would find someone new to disparage. But successive searches of his name continued to summon fresh vitriol. Alleged anarchists wanted him arrested. So-called liberals were calling for his suicide.

Only black-hating racists, none of whom had the slightest bit of interest in reading his fiction, defended him. They seemed to have adopted Toby as a member of the far right, though he’d never so much as registered to vote, out of disgust with both political parties.

“Don’t do it,” Toby muttered now, even as he visited social media and searched for his name yet again. The top result, new to him, had already attained over two million views, hundreds of thousands of likes, and thousands of replies and reposts. Wow, that’s the smuggest avatar photo that I’ve ever seen, Toby thought. This dude looks like he had his own cock removed, just so he could blow himself every time he sits down to pee. Why’s he wearing a dashiki? He’s whiter than I am. Joseph McCarthy Jr., huh. Runs Transylvoria, apparently. Didn’t I send that magazine a review copy of Fleshless Fingers all those years ago? Never heard back from ’em, or read an issue of theirs, for that matter. What’s this douche have to say about me?

He read:

A CALL TO ACTION

Hello, hi, and howdy again, my beautifully diverse followers. ’Tis I, your ally in all equality efforts, your genial genius, your longtime pal-o-roony, Transylvoria Joe. By now, you must know that I’d never let a single day go by without connecting with you, my horror brethren. And boy, do I have a sermon for you now.

Remember those terrible days when the literary community eschewed censorship? Straight, cisgender, racially challenged males filled books with their rightwing ideology and profited, flaunting their collective privilege in everyone’s faces. Perpetuating white supremacy, gender inequality, heteronormativity, and even worse, gender binarism, they gave us heroes only they could relate to. Ooh, I’m shaking just thinking about it.

When those authors filled their books with hate speech, claiming that they were practicing idiomatic realism, we, as a society, actually nodded our heads and said, “Well, I guess that makes sense.” Boy, were we ever wrong.

Those straight, cisgender, racially challenged males had us all fooled, you see. They wrote bigoted characters so well because they’re bigots themselves. Those of them who became editors only published people just like them. That’s why we at Transylvoria, along with countless likeminded horror fanatics, have spent the last few years pushing those has-beens aside, so that diverse authors can finally stand up and take their well-deserved bows.

Indeed, we’ve taken great strides forward in abolishing literary inequality. But if you think that it’s time to rest on our laurels, to abandon our egalitarian efforts and let the old guard strike back, I say to you not today!

Think about it for a moment. Sure, most straight, cisgender, racially challenged, male authors have seen their books go out of print. And most right-thinking publishers will no longer consider such men for publication. The problem is, with the self-publishing tools available these days, anyone can invent a publisher on the spot and self-publish whatever they want.

This means that straight, cisgender, racially challenged, male authors can reprint their old fiction, and even print new fiction, with impunity, and steal sales away from the far more deserving diverse authors. It’s sickening, really. One Stephen King is enough!

The onus is on us, united, to balance the scales in the horror lit scene. Books by straight, cisgender, racially challenged, male authors other than Stephen King must be removed from circulation, permanently. Libraries and book retailers, both online and brick and mortar, must be urged to destroy all such books in their possession immediately and never restock them.

No longer should straight, cisgender, racially challenged, male authors be allowed to self-publish horror fiction. No longer should they post short stories to their blogs or social media accounts. Their books’ Goodreads listings should be deleted, as should all mentions of them online. In fact, these guys should never be allowed to refer to themselves as authors again.

We can erase the literary scene’s past mistakes, one straight, cisgender, racially challenged, male author at a time. For our first target, I nominate Toby Chalmers. The man unequivocally stated that he hates black people. Well, we love black people and hate Toby Chalmers.

Contact Amazon today, all of you. Tell them that you’ll boycott their company if Toby Chalmers’ books aren’t removed from publication. Start a petition. March in the street. Recruit others to our cause. Silence anyone who stands up for Toby Chalmers.

As always, Transylvoria pride forever. I platonically love each and every one of you. Air kisses all around.

“Air kisses all around,” Toby muttered. “What a piece of shit.” Can this man and his lickspittles really do it? he wondered. Can they erase every trace of my fiction, make it as if I never wrote anything?

As he read reply after reply praising Joseph McCarthy Jr. and his position, and denigrating Toby as if he was Hitler reincarnated, the notion seemed far less than impossible. All of these insane, wretched fascists masquerading as liberals, he thought, shaking his head. How did society ever devolve to this?

My books can’t just disappear. I’ll beat cancel culture, somehow. For the moment, I’d better stockpile author copies of my books while they’re still in print. Guess it’s time to spend some money on this “career” of mine. Yippee.

 

Chapter 9

“Hey, Shadrach, someone’s callin’ me. Why don’t you run into the store and grab us some juice boxes and pickle-flavored cashews. Here’s twenty bucks. With the leftover money, you can buy some candy or a magazine, or whatever you want.”

“I don’t hear your phone ringing.”

“It’s on silent mode.”

Suspiciously, Shadrach squinted at his least favorite person, as Joe slid his phone from his pocket and pressed it to his ear. “You’ve got Joe,” he greeted. “Oh, hey there, buddy. What’s the good word?” His free hand made a shooing motion.

Reluctantly, Shadrach emerged from the Prius. What’s this psycho up to now? he wondered. His phone screen was dark. No one was calling him.

Thus far, Joe had limited his domination games to his own private property, but there was a first time for everything, and Shadrach didn’t trust him one iota. There were fourteen vehicles in the parking lot. Would anyone protect Shadrach if Joe went on the offensive again?

He entered the supermarket and grabbed a shopping basket. Rightward, flies buzzed in the produce section. Leftward, oldsters lingered to converse with cashiers, though their groceries were already bagged. Those sonances seemed strangely subdued.

The pickle-flavored cashews and juice boxes were easy enough to find—Shadrach had accompanied his uncle on many a shopping errand—and he wasn’t in the mood to purchase anything for himself. Still, the air conditioning felt good on his skin, and he was in no hurry to return to his uncle’s side, so he wandered from aisle to aisle, avoiding the eyes of his fellow shoppers.

Suddenly, just as Shadrach strode past shelves of dry noodles, a stiff forefinger met his shoulder. “Are you gonna buy anything, nigger?” hissed a voice in his ear.

Reluctantly pivoting on his heels, the boy beheld his uncle. Joe had changed his clothes in the car. The black hat and zipped-up windbreaker he now wore were emblazoned with the word SECURITY. Coiled tubing ascended from his collar to a phony earpiece.

Blushing furiously, more embarrassed than he’d ever been, Shadrach begged, “Please don’t do this.”

“I asked you a question, boy! We’ve had a report of theft on these premises! Do you plan to pay for those groceries?!”

Other shoppers had drifted over to observe the spectacle. Shadrach couldn’t read their expressions through his sudden tears.

“I…I have twenty dollars,” he whined, pulling the bill from his pocket.

“Dirty, stinkin’, thievin’ nigger! Twenty dollars was the exact amount reported stolen! I knew by the look of you that you were no good! Put down those groceries and put your hands behind your back!”

“Oh…I’m sorry, Uncle Jojo. I’ll be good from now on. I’ll only laugh at what you say I can laugh at. You don’t have to do this to me.”

“Save it for your court date, nigger! Put down those fuckin’ groceries! Put your fuckin’ hands behind your back! Right fuckin’ now!” Joe now brandished handcuffs and grinned from ear to ear.

Supermarket employees joined the shoppers at both ends of the aisle, swelling the audience to two dozen Caucasians, all of whom crept steadily closer.

“Um, excuse me, what’s all this about?” one elderly mop-gripper queried, squinting through cat eye glasses.

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Joe, “this here’s my nephew. He was actin’ like a racist so I’m teaching him empathy for black people. He’s experiencing but a taste of what they’ve endured in this country for so long. Soon, he’ll love his fellow humans as much as I do.”

Surely, someone will stand up for me now, Shadrach thought, sniffling. They’ll call over a real security guard and get my uncle the help he needs. Maybe my mom can leave rehab early and take care of me again.

But as the grocery basket was torn from his grasp, as his arms were pinned behind his back so that his wrists could be handcuffed, as he was led from the store and shoved into the back seat of his uncle’s Prius, all Shadrach heard was a slow clap evolving into full-blown applause.

* * *

After lunch, after dinner, after tearful trembling in the bathtub until its water grew chilly, Shadrach raged his way across Joe’s guestroom, shrieking into a pillow that he held over his mouth. Grace Jones’ Vamp character bared her fangs on framed posters all around him. Shadrach wished that she’d climb into reality to make a meal of his uncle.

The room, which he’d been staying in ever since his mom entered rehab, always smelled like rotted onions and bad milk, no matter how wide he opened its window. If ever it had been vacuumed, he’d never witnessed it. Neither had the bedsheets been washed, nor the cobwebs swept from the ceiling corners, since his arrival. Shadrach wouldn’t miss the place, he decided.

He’d swiped a garbage bag from the garage, which he now filled with clothes, everything but his hated Transylvoria attire. With grim satisfaction, he kicked the window screen from its frame. He wanted to punch holes into the walls and urinate onto the carpet, but feared that his uncle would burst into the room at any minute and chain him to the bed.

“Fuck you, Uncle Joseph,” Shadrach muttered, climbing out of the window, into the night. “I’ll hate you for the rest of my life.”

[whimsysalesman]

listening to Anark's Modern Anarchism essays at work and boy howdy to i love giving so few shits about a job that i will blast anarchist theory out loud for anyone to hear if they walk in. what're they gonna do, fire me?