#how's that ten years of trauma going commander.....

[sephirothsplaything]

𝐌𝐈𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐑𝐒

TEEN! Lottie Matthews x blackfem! reader oneshot

Based on Season 3 episode 8

word count: 1,493

a/n: y'now i got really hungry while writing this thats why its so sad srry<3 reader is in for an awkward silly surprise becasue they arent going no damn where!

barley edited wat else is new

CW: vauge religious trauma idk this is yellowjackets this should be a given reader being real asf

YOU WERE GOING HOME.

After what felt like years inside this godforsaken wilderness, you could finally go home. Nat had barely given the command to start packing before you zipped towards the hut, shoving anything you could into your backpack.

Some jerky strips and other things you could get your hands on before closing your bag. You paused for a second before abruptly changing your clothes— It was the outfit you left your house with, somehow you could hear your mom’s voice telling you how pretty the shirt was on you.

You’d missed them, your two little siblings had probably grown so much in your absence. Your heart broke at the thought of your family being worried sick over you, the endless prayers they’d probably sent your way.

The prayers couldn't have possibly worked—But here you stood. Alive. Maybe God really did work in mysterious ways.

“What are you doing?” Lottie’s voice wafted inside the tent you shared with her. You turned around to see her towering over you,as she often did. Blood was still dried onto her face,hands and clothes,but it was her eyes that drew your concern. She looked lost. Sad.

“Packing. Something you should be doing.” You replied to her before standing.

Lottie shook her head,she looked distracted by something. Your thoughts of leaving stopped for a moment in favor of making sure she was okay.

“Hey.” You took her hand into your own. “What’s up with you?”

“This doesn't feel…right.” Lottie looked at you again, as if begging you to understand. 

You sighed. Digging out your water bottle, you wet a cloth. 

“C’mon Lott, sit down.” You said gently. Lottie hesitated for a second before sitting on the floor.

This…thing you had for each other, you weren't really sure what it was,let alone when it began. You cared about her in a more than friend way—That was as much as you were willing to explore.

Instead,you carefully cleaned the blood off her face and Lottie watched you intently. Her gaze,despite looking so incredibly tortured, had spared enough warmth for you.

“It was my brother's birthday when we left.” You murmured to her softly. “He had just turned ten.”

Lottie blinked as if it was her own memory coming back. “Yeah, you told me on the plane.”

You hummed,remembering it too. Lottie had sat by you on the private plane—You were more simple minded back then,yapping off about the kind of cake your family ate before you left.

It was one of the last good memories you held onto before the crash. Lottie’s smile as she listened to you passionately defend the choice of red velvet cake against Mari,who declared it was disgusting.

You still loved red velvet cake. 

But now here you sat,with a girl who had seen your darkest impulses—Your curly hair was knotty,pulled up out of your face. Your skin tone had deepend in the sun’s rays and there were permanent bags under your ever tired eyes.

Lottie still looked at you as if you were forever ranting about cake.

“There.Now you won’t jump scare people at the rescue point.” You giggle.

Lottie’s lips twitched slightly,it made you feel impossibly warm.

“I don’t trust them Y/N.” Lottie whispered to you. 

You paused for a second,your hands holding Lottie’s cheeks in your grasp.

“I don’t either.” You admit. “But I'm ready to take my chances.”

Then you kissed her, a sweet and long one—The kind you two often shared when you were alone. Lottie met you eagerly,her hands snaking around your waist as if she wasnt ready to let you go.

But you pull away first,grabbing your backpack. You didn't stop to think about her words,what she was trying to say to you. The joyous sounds of your teammates around you made you forget about all that in an instant.

They were all packing and giggling,somewhere you heard Melissa and Gen discuss what they were going to eat once they got back.

“Did you get everything?” Nat asks you,her gun still pointed at Kody and Hannah.

Lottie had killed the other one,you had practically dragged Hannah out of her hiding spot. 

Details—You weren't about to let it get in the way of getting home.

“The stuff that matters.” You shrug, grinning. 

“Then let’s fucking do this!” Nat shouts out. You could practically envision the smell of your house,what your mom would cook for you. She’d probably drag you straight to church,but somehow that didn't sound as taxing as it used to be.

“I’m staying.” Lottie said. There she stood,clutching a halfway empty bag. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Lottie?” You said.

“Cute joke,Lott.” Van said,her voice already annoyed.

“I’m not joking.” Lottie said,dropping the bag at her feet.

Her expression looked as though she was in pain,it broke you in ways that you couldn't comprehend. You held your own bag tighter.

“Is she fucking crazy?” You heard Melissa ask from beside you.

Nataile walked over to her. “Lottie. I know it’s scary going back. But it's very real and we need to go.”

Nat’s voice was soft,like she was speaking to a frightened animal. Lottie looked past her and straight to you, as if you were the only person in the wilderness with her.

And as much as she wanted it to be true, you could not entertain this—Not when you were so close to rescue.

“Lottie, you listen to me.” You begin, approaching her with no such caution. She knew you, gentle when you wanted to be but could be equally harsh.

“We are leaving,and you are coming with us.” You say,desperately grabbing hold of her hand as if common sense could transfer onto her. “I know you’re worried but we can cross that bridge later.”

“I can't go back.” Lottie’s tears began to fall. It should've melted you, but self preservation had already formed an iron box around your heart. 

“Yes, the fuck you can.” You squeeze her hand tighter. “Lottie, please.”

“If I go back..I won’t be well.” Lottie looks at you,trying to make you see. “I won’t be me and you won’t be yourself. The us that was made out here.”

You jerk your eyes away from her,but Lottie follows your movements closely–Too closely. 

Lottie’s home life was difficult,you knew that. Her parents had medicated her to high hell and it often left her feeling empty. The two of you weren't close then,and you regretted not reaching out at that time.

“How do you think your parents would take it if they found out what you did here?” Lottie asks you. “Will your siblings look at you the same way they did before?”

You had hunted,chased and lived like a savage,the whole group did. You had indulged in Lottie’s offerings to the wilderness and got swept up in her ceremonies and prayers.

“You're not the same anymore, Y/N.” Lottie continued. “The wilderness made you what you are.”

You didn't respond,still mentally battling the weight of all your actions thus far. Your dad had always said he’d love you no matter what,that the God you served was a forgiving one.

He was also a jealous one,you vaguely remember the scriptures. And you did a whole lot more than worship idols–You stylized Lottie into one. If you went back home,you’d have to either pretend or confess; Hiding wasn't new for you,being closeted had been something you’d held inside for awhile.

“Stay with me.” Lottie asks you. And you make up your mind then and there.

You drop her hand,stepping back from her.

“No.” 

Lottie gives you a tearful,heart wrenching expression and you force yourself to double down.

“I’m so sorry that your parents don’t understand you. I hate that it took all of this wilderness bullshit to find your peace of mind.” You say.

“I have to–.” You inhale sharply before your voice breaks.“I have to believe my parents still love me,that they'll love me no matter what I had to do out here. My brother..my sister—Jesus fucking Christ Lottie my family needs me.”

“Y/N.” She says your name again,so reverent on her lips like a prayer–It always was,even knowing that you were forsaking her like this–Hurting her like this.

“Lottie.” You respond. “If I had to choose you versus my family,my home…I’m going to pick them every time.” 

Lottie breaks. You do too,but she can’t see that anymore.

“I choose me.” You say. “I’m sorry.”

Nat looks shocked at your response,but still relieved that you were on her side. 

Civilization was within your grasp and you’d be damned if anyone ripped that away from you.

Even if you had to reject yourself by rejecting Lottie.

[malaiz]

why cuddy/house has me crashing out

(essay) (ravings of lunacy) (help me)

at the beginning of s7, house told cuddy that their relationship would never work. he was right. but why?

because house's relationship with lisa cuddy is exactly the same as the relationship he had with his father.

cuddy is, for lack of a better word, a god to house. she's the reason he has a job, a place to live, access to drugs, meaningful relationships (with his employees + wilson). she directly or indirectly provides him with everything that keeps his life from being a living hell. she gives house roof over his head, and expects house to follow her rules in return. in every other way (every emotional way), she neglects him. punishes him when he tries to act on his own. see the parallels?

house, while not aware of it, completes the dynamic agonizingly well. while he pushes back just enough to make himself feel in control, he always submits when it matters. and in his own sarcastic, explicit, fucked-up way he's constantly seeking her approval, which he never gets. (if anything, his attempts to disrespect or objectify her are a pathetically obvious allusion to how much of a hold she has over his life. it's his defense mechanism).

this cycle of subconsciously seeking approval and love while outwardly projecting misanthropy started when he was a child. he never got the love/acceptance he needed at home, so he carried it with him. it's his biggest flaw. because as much as he doesn't want to believe he needs anyone or cares what they think, he does. childhood trauma (cptsd) is a bitch. he's just seeking positive attention after years of abuse and neglect.

clearly, it isn't working.

in the crane episode, house reached his breaking point. as much as he tried to do what everyone else told him to do over and over again, all it led to was everyone else being happy, not him. he treated people well. made their lives easier. he did what wilson wanted him to do, what cuddy wanted him to do, what his father wanted him to do. in return, he got nothing. he sacrificed so many parts of himself to fit the mold, and wilson still kicked him out. cuddy still rejected him. his patient still died. it's almost like whether or not he listened to his parents colleagues, they abandoned him all the same.

it didn't work. ignoring his own instinct never worked. betraying himself over and over again was never going to make him happy, and he knew that! he was going to heal! he was finally going to start caring about himself before anyone else! sure, it would suck. he would lose people. he would be an addict. but ironically, he would have escaped the cycle! this was his chance at freedom. happiness.

and then cuddy shows up.

try to imagine you're house. you've tried so hard to follow the ten commandments your whole life, to be good enough for the people who control you to finally love you. praying to god every night with only a silent sky and darkness and more pain to show for it.

you've realized it's hopeless, meaningless, impossible. your father was never going to love you. cuddy was never going to love you. maybe, maybe, you just need to show some love to yourself.

suddenly, god shows up in your apartment and cares for you and loves you and has sex with you because oops! they were just so busy with all those rules that they didn't realize how perfect you were all along! they've always loved you, just- shrug- it was an accident!

^(try to figure out which one house actually believes)

house can't even tell cuddy that he loves her back!

now, don't let me forget miss lisa. the one who ignored his endless neediness over and over again until he finally told her he hated her and was done chasing her. it pissed her off! she liked the attention! so she gets revenge.

by making house cut off the leg of a woman who is a near-perfect replica of himself; making house betray himself and everything he believed. by making him listen to her.

she broke him.

to save a woman's life! because she's the benevolent kind of god who saves people and gives pain-riddled drug addicts a job in return for their loyalty and submission. who rewards them when they torture a woman by sawing off their limbs just because she told them to.

"you make me a better person."

that's what she told house in the beginning of their relationship. and it's true! technically! showing mercy towards house makes her a good person, and it makes her feel powerful. (i don't even want to get into her telling house that he needs to "let go" because he "makes everyone around him miserable" when she's the one who chooses to keep him on a leash)

when cuddy found him on the floor, about to relapse, all she did was leave a physical mark on something she already knew was hers. fed a starving, shivering, beaten dog the manna of heaven. not sustenance, not a blanket, not warmth. just another false promise of love.

she locked him outside (slept with lucas), held him down in freezing water (told him she would never love him and that he made her miserable), and suddenly decided to let him back in. to save him!

jk. it was just to keep him begging at her feet. to ensure he would never try to leave or change or think for himself again.

(she 'loves' him, he 'loves' her, and neither of them know what 'love' is)

[meadowfics]

what kind of cars does the kang family has?what kind of car we have?what kind of car does Daeho has?

i just saw the new trailer for yadang and those scenes of Ha-neul in that sexy ass car and his long hair got me wondering if Daeho has a Dilf-y car…with two pink car seats in the back😂

OUUUUUUU great ask!!! I loved writing this one enjoy <3

your family has never been one for extravagance, not even with all the money tucked away in the bank.

some things, well... some things are worth the indulgence.

daeho has two cars, and if you were to ask him, he'd say both serve entirely different purposes. one for family and one for fun.

the first is the one you all rely on most... a luxury suv.

it is sleek and black with tinted windows, its spacious interior easily housing two vibrant pink car seats in the back.

one for seo-ah, still small but growing, and the other snugly fitted for baby byeol. the leather seats are immaculate, save for the occasional stray crumb from a sneaky snack and the soft imprint of little shoes kicking against the back of the front seats.

it’s impossible to miss the faint scent of apple juice and lavender baby wipes lingering in the air.

seo-ah loves this suv. she insists it’s "daddy's big tiger car," though the only roaring sound it ever makes is when daeho revs it a little harder than necessary, much to your amusement.

the girls always giggle in the back when he does it, as if they’re on a rollercoaster. it’s become a thing... a family ritual during long drives.

then, there's dae-ho's other car. the porsche 918 spyder.

you still remember the way daeho’s face lit up on his birthday, like he was ten years younger, the very first time he slid into the driver’s seat. the spyder gleams under the sun like polished obsidian, the kind of sleek, powerful machine that commands attention.

there are no car seats in that one... it’s strictly for moments when the girls are home with you, or those rare late-night drives where he lets the wind comb through his long hair and forgets, just for a while, about the weight of everything else like his trauma.

"you’re a total dilf," you had teased when he first brought it home, leaning against the garage wall as you admired the glossy curves of the car, "spyder and all."

"just missing the pink seats in the back," he’d joked with a grin, tugging you in for a kiss.

you have cars too!!!

your pride and joy sits snugly beside the spyder, contrasting it in every possible way.

your cherry red 1966 ford mustang.

it’s a beauty and a classic that turns heads just as much as daeho’s porsche does, though for entirely different reasons. its different from the other modern cars you see in korea. your car came from the united states.

the crimson paint practically glows under the sun, polished to perfection every weekend when you find an excuse to tinker with it.

you didn't get it for the engine or the performance. no, you fell in love with the color. that deep, vibrant red that reminded you of something bold. something free.

driving that care it made you feel like a version of yourself that somehow never existed before thanks to childhood trauma. it is a little indulgent? maybe.

however, after everything you and daeho had been through, the car was a symbol of how far you’d come and what you've been through.

seo-ah loves your car on summer days. byeol still needs to experience the nice winds hitting her face on day in the sunlight.

there’s your audi too.

an sq5 in sleek black, your reliable go-to.

this one is all about practicality. it is big enough for grocery runs, daycare drop-offs, and the occasional road trip to see daeho’s family.

seo-ah insists on calling it the “zoomy car” because it’s “fast but not as fast as daddy’s.” byeol doesn't care much yet... she mostly sleeps in her car seat, her chubby little cheeks squished against the side as you drive.

the funny part? despite the cars, you and daeho still find yourselves on the fast trains on the subway more often than not.

it’s a habit neither of you can shake. back when you were barely scraping by, the subway was your lifeline. a small, fleeting bit of peace in the city of seoul that moved too fast.

sometimes, the familiar hum of the train and the rhythmic sway are more comforting than anything a luxury car could offer.

“we could just drive, you know,” daeho had suggested last month when you brought up the idea of taking the train into seoul for a little date night.

“yeah, but where’s the fun in that?” you’d replied, smiling.

“besides, it reminds me of when we didn’t have four cars in the driveway.”

he laughed, agreeing, though the playful roll of his eyes told you he wouldn’t argue.

now, even seo-ah loves the train. she’ll press her little face against the window, her hands leaving fingerprints all over the glass as she watches the world blur by.

byeol, strapped to your chest in her baby carrier, usually sleeps through the whole ride.

the train is about necessity anymore. it’s about nostalgia.

so, yeah. you’ve got the sleek suv with its pink car seats, the flashy porsche that daeho swears is just a “hobby car,” the iconic red mustang that makes your heart race, and the ever-practical audi that fits your family just right.

however, you and daeho love the train the most!

kang family masterlist

taglist: @chuckzdeluluwife , @theredvelvetbitch , @martinasr00 , @ameliahaa , @googie-jeon , @casually-simping , @erinkeenan , @thewinterv , @breakmeoff , @breeisaslay22

[delphinium-03]

marcys parents are abusive

theres literally so many signs to show that marcy has faced trauma BEFORE landing in amphibia. I think that her parents might be abusive in some way (best guess- emotionally) because your brain usually shows you the things you wanted as a child to be your escape in that case. marcy obviously didnt think that at first. when she got the news that they were going to move out, she knew that her only escape- her friends- would be lost to her forever. she pulled a stupid stunt with the box, but SHE DIDNT THINK IT WAS GOING TO WORK. and landing in newtopia which was eerily similar to the fantasy games she's obsessed with where she quite literally leveled up to be the EMPEROR'S second in command showed her that she never HAD to go back to that life. and you may say "she's only thirteen theres no way" but it explains a lot. only a child would think running from her problems would be the only decision, since she had no power over her parents. theres wayyy more proof to this: - she says "i just didnt want to be alone". but she wouldnt be, because she had her family. unless of course, she felt alone WITH her family. -the way she reacted after being told they were moving

-why she was so drawn to Andreais's deal

-how even after everything she went through was BROADCASTED on televison, and she would have told her parents that the whole thing happened because they were moving. AND THEY STILL MOVED.

-she hasn't seen anne and sasha for TEN YEARS. and she hasnt even TALKED TO THEM AFTER SHE LEFT? gimme a break marcy is a trauma victim. prove me wrong.

[rosesradio]

Hi, do you mind if I pick your brain about the pro/antiship thing? I'd like to check first because it's a dumpster fire of a controversy in fandom spaces and I'd 100% understand not wanting to touch it with a ten-foot pole. But also cuz it mentions somethin triggering+disturbing.I've always wondered what another person might think but I usually try to stay miles away from fandom drama, but you seem like, not chronically online about it

lmaoo thank you, i try to make my blog a chill, safe space to come to despite me being. Not chill about anything ever 😅

so here’s the definition of each that i added to the poll:

Proshippers argue that shipping is all fictional, so there is no harm in shipping characters who shouldn’t be together in real life. Anti-shippers argue that fiction reflects and influences real-world beliefs and behaviors, so fans shouldn’t romanticize unhealthy relationships. You can be proship and not ship any problematic ships, or vice versa.

i got these definitions, with my own addition at the end, from a Reddit thread you might find helpful.

so i’ve been in fandom for many years, and up until around 2022 i was mostly what would be considered an anti-shipper.

within the (*gags*) sanders sides fandom, there was a ship called remrom. this was the ship between the characters roman and remus, canonically twin brothers. i never shipped it, not my thing, and it caused a lot of division in the fandom. people would often put on their wattpad (yeahhh wattpad era babey) profiles & even their fics “dni & leave if you ship remrom, go die” etc. i don’t think i put that on my own fics, but i was hostile & blocked people i found shipping it. because how could you ship twin brothers, that’s disgusting!!1!

…the funny thing about sanders sides, though, is that all of the characters represent fragments of one guy’s personality. roman is his creativity, remus is his dark!creativity, etc. the fandom shipped many other pairings with the (non-related) characters, the most popular being Roman and Virgil (anxiety). (Yes this is causing me physical pain to type out thanks for asking 🧍). so all that exposition aside…we were all shipping selfcest. and in a way, is selfcest any worse than incest? i suppose that’s subjective, but it just goes to show a bit of hypocrisy.

i also shipped some “problematic” pairings over the years, but changed them up to be “non-problematic”. for example, i had a billdip fic in which i made bill bodily 15 to match dipper & had him turn magically human (does this make the ship entirely non-problematic? hell no lmao, but as is the way of 15-year-old rose)

so that aside, i joined tumblr in 2022, in the cobra kai fandom. there’s a ship in the cobra kai fandom called silverusso, a ship between an insane(ly hot? don’t look at me 🫣) karate instructor named silver and the main character, daniel larusso. this ship is extremelyyy toxic on several levels. for one, daniel is freshly 18, while silver is assumed to be in his 30s(?) during karate kid 3 (please watch karate kid 3 but also be sure you’re sober when doing so because the movie is a trip, lol). for another, silver essentially seduces daniel into devolving into a violent robot, primed for silver’s command & corruption.

now for me…i’m not going to get into the details because i don’t want to, but i had experienced trauma somewhat related to the silverusso dynamic the previous year (only with minimal karate, lol). even three years later, i am still impacted by said trauma in small ways. i was honestly insulted by people shipping this ship, because it felt like they didn’t care about victims & were romanticizing and sexualizing situations i was having nightmares about.

that is, until i made some friends in the fandom. i bonded with them on our common interests, and then i got to see a bit more into the silverusso shippers’ heads rather than the horrible things i was hearing about them from others. i learned that they really weren’t that bad people at all, all well-intentioned & respectful of boundaries. some of them were even victims of trauma similar to my own, who used darkfic as a place to vent their emotions. considering i had told very few people of what happened, considering no one really understood, i felt safe.

not to plug, but this is a fic i wrote sort of in that space lol

so anyways, i learned more & more about proshipping ways, profiction, anti-harassment, & anti-censorship. i adopted the take that fiction can be a good place to explore complex emotions or even just compelling ideas.

(because you do not need to be traumatized to be interested in darkfic! in fact, the anti-ship take of “darkfic is okay if you’re recovering from trauma” is often harmful to victims, forcing them to out themselves for a stranger to judge if they’re “traumatized enough” to be “allowed” write darkfic. people should be free to write whatever with no explanation, just respect to others & proper tags/warnings).

i would like to think that the anti-ship ideals are in the best interest of others. they often do speak from a place of wanting to respect trauma victims (even if the hate messages they’ve sent me aren’t very respectful, lol). i can see how easy it is to be swept up into the moral quandary of it all because i’ve been there. in fact, if i saw trauma victims who were anti-shippers today, who felt the same resentment i did in 2022, i would feel sympathy for them and wish them the best in their recovery. darkfic has definitely helped me, though it is not for everyone. (though to those people i would also recommend they block bothersome tags and try to clear it from their mind).

i do wish people would approach actual proshippers to ask the way you are right now, anon. i think the spread of misinformation on how “being proship = shipping only problematic pairings” or god forbid “being proship = being a pedo” means a lot of well-meaning people obviously are disgusted and don’t bother to seek out the actual meaning of the term.

you don’t have to ship problematic parings or like darkfic to be considered proship. in fact, a lot of my mutuals here only like fluff & traditionally “healthy” pairings, but they support people’s right to ship and write whatever they want, provided it stays in its properly tagged lane. it’s just important to not push for censorship on sites like ao3 (one of the last safe spaces for every kind of fanfic), as well as not harass anyone in fandom for what they do with fiction. it’s not proper fandom etiquette, and it’s not a good thing to do.

fictional characters are dolls. real people are real, as are their feelings.

one last thing

i hope all of that answered your question, anon, and feel free to return with any more questions you might have 💌

[tarithenurse]

Shadow Dragon

Fandom: Naruto AU. Pairing/starring: Uchiha Itachi x fem!reader. Word count: 2975. Content: Reference to killing/torture/trauma/injuries/betrayal, angst, manipulation, DUBCON smut (restraints, loss of virginity, oral fem receiving, p in v). Background: In a world where magic and dragons are real, an ancient war rages between two kingdoms, forcing even the young ones to be conscripted and fight. You joined the army when you were 15 together with your best friend Itachi...and lost him only a year later. Since then, rumours began to circulate of a terrible shadow dragon who can manipulate minds. You’ve seen it once on a mission. Seen him. Because the shadow dragon is none other than Itachi. A/N: As per usual please like, comment, reblog. Here’s my TAGLIST and my MASTERLIST for more.

Shadow dragon

It had been a simple mission: spring the wizard from the prison and return to the castle with him. Still, if you, your commanders, or the queen had expected the wizard to be grateful for the refound freedom, then you’d been disappointed.

The powers of the wizard is needed in a war where the opposition has the strongest monster at their disposal: a shadow dragon capable of altering people’s minds.

A shadow dragon is not a true dragon, but a person with certain skills including the ability to shift into a draconic form – long and almost serpentine and wrought in shadows. You personally know very little about its skills but you have witnessed it once, become one with the darkness and flee.

Against such creature, even the best soldiers didn’t stand a chance unless their minds were fortified with the magic of a wizard.

This wizard was not keen on helping.

You get moving. It feels sluggish or rather otherworldly but you make it past the guard even if you don’t know where you’re heading. My room. You want to be alone for a bit so you can process everything without the concern of how you might be perceived.

Why? You know who the shadow dragon is. Itachi. Uchiha Itachi was once your friend and you have no idea how the enemy has gotten him to work for them. Last time you saw him, he was securing you and your company’s escape after a botched sneak attack. And he had not been a shadow dragon then.

But that was years ago and apparently much has happened since.

Soon, you’re lying on your bed, door and shutters closed to fill the room with soothing darkness as if you your emotions cannot be let free in the light of day. Amour discarded on the chair.

Staring up at the ceiling, it’s like the shadows condense around you, growing thicker until they look like you could touch them. Absentmindedly you twirl a finger through the darkness and suddenly a lot of things happen at once: you realize that she can in fact touch the shadow which feels silken as it blinks down at you before all of it suddenly coalesces into the shape of a man who rushes you, pressing a hand to your mouth so you can’t scream and another grabs your throat, claws digging into the skin.

But you’re too stunned to scream as you stare up in the face of Itachi for the first time in almost ten years.

You want to reach for him, touch his face or his chest to feel his heart but you cannot move your arms as they are tangled in shadowy tendrils.

“I’m going to let you speak...but don’t try to call for help,” he whispers, hoarser than you recall.

Only able to manage a small nod, you keep your eyes on his. Red and hard...but even so they still hold him as you remember.

He does move the hand from your mouth but not the one encircling the throat. He’s heavy on you, thighs on either side of the hips so you can’t escape. He’s broader too than you recall – he’s filled out, grown stronger rather than the lanky body he had had back then.

“Itachi...” you whisper, “how...?”

“I hid in your clothes. Thank you for favouring black or I’d have been seen.”

Your mind races. “The prison?” But when he shakes his head: “The tunnel.”

“I found a new hole and I checked it out...saw you and your companions and hitched a ride.”

“Will you report it or will you stay away now you’re free of them?”

His face darkens impossibly. “I’ll never be free.”

“There must be a w-” but your words are cut off as he tightens the hold around the neck.

“They will always hunt me as long as I am what I am.”

You can barely press the words through the tight throat: “Join us.”

“Here?” He scoffs. “Why would you want that?”

“Because I know you are good even if you’re forced to slave for people who aren’t.”

“Good?” His laugh is soft and tickling. “Oh...what goodness there once was is gone. Because of you.”

He might as well have stabbed you. The pain it causes to hear his rightful blaming is excruciating. Even as you open the mouth to retort, you realize that nothing you can say will ever make up for the pain he’s gone through. Blinking away the blur, you refocus on him and what he is now.

“I never meant for any of this to happen. I was stupid and reckless, putting you and others in danger,” you still whisper, words spilling in a rapid stream. “I tried to find you but when that backfired I had to stop. I never forgot you. I feared the worst and now...” your voice cracks as he squeezes again.

“Want me to feel sorry for you?”

Shaking your head, you don’t know what to expect. “I wish I could undo it. I can’t but maybe if -”

“Oh, I know. Undo what has been done?” Itachi lowers himself against you, nose brushing your jaw. “But like this? I’m strong.”

“Then how can I help you?”

“You already have though not fully. I’m away from there now.” He breathes in deep, chest pressing against yours. “Your smell...”

Heat rises to her cheeks, unbidden. “It’s my -”

“Favourite perfume. Yes...” He inhales again. The perfume is your one luxury. “So grown up. Have you accepted a proposal?” You shake the head again, reeling at the sudden change in subject and causing him to kind of purr in response. “Have you gotten any?”

This time you nod, more and more confused. “I...I’m not...it’s not...”

He laughs softly but unkindly. “I don’t remember you as so meek.”

“And I don’t remember you as so bold,” you manage to reiterate.

Bemused, he cocks his head to look at you before dipping down and biting into your earlobe. It doesn’t seem like he draws blood but it’s oddly intimate, making you gasp and you can feel his chuckle against the chest.

It’s not the only thing you can feel, though, as he tilts his pelvis to grind against your mound.

Squirming, you are mortified and try to get away, but the hold your once-friend has on you is too tight and the struggle only serves to further the friction so you still again.

“Itachi,” you whisper.

“Hmm?” He’s nuzzling into the crook of your neck, the hot breath tickling the small hairs.

“What will you do?”

“Right now I’ll relax for the first time in ages so shut up.”

Baffled by the response, you comply and even allow yourself to breathe in his scent too. It’s different than it used to be, you realize. Fainter but more spicy somehow even if a smidgen of his old smell is still there. Flint.

You know you should have screamed for help or have done more to resist him...but it’s Itachi and all of you is yearning for him because you’ve been so worried and missed him so much even after all that time. Because he used to make you complete and even now, you feel more whole than you have for a long time in spite of everything.

Tilting your face, you press a cheek against his, earning a surprised sigh.

“I’ve missed you,” you confess on a whisper that’s barely audible.

Still, he must have heard it because he hums.

“Itachi, we need to -”

“I told you to shut up.”

“But this is s-”

“Shh.”

You try to turn the face to see him. “No, you ha-”

The kiss is hard, pressing your lips against your teeth but also very much shutting you up which you somehow manage to understand was the point. And still that’s not what fills your mind, of course. It’s how his lips mould to yours, how he breathes in through the nose at realization of what he’s just done but even so still moves his mouth to pry your lips apart and slip his tongue along the bottom lip.

Itachi tastes different from what his scent would have you believe. Sure, there’s a sense of spice but it’s not prevalent as opposed to the other which you can’t place. But all of that, all the careful analysis is blown away by the realization that you like the sensation of kissing him.

A tiny whimper dislodges itself from your throat, swallowed by him immediately as his hand slides from the throat around to the back of your neck to tilt your head a bit.

There is still a corner of your mind that is trying to protest, screaming but only barely audible compared to the roar of the need that’s rushing through your body. The urge to dig your fingers through his silken, obsidian hair or rake your nails down his back to pull him impossibly closer but you’re restrained and the best you can do is to press your chest up as if offering him your heart.

Keeping a tight grip at the base of your skull, his other hand glides from your shoulder until it finds a resting place in the valley between your breasts where your heart is beating hard and rapid. You can’t see past his eyes when your own flutter open at the sensation of a prick against your skin, a needle-like point that he drags down your chest, slicing through your tunic with a soft *frrrr* of threads tearing.

Tilting your head away, you abandon the kiss as panic rushes through you.

“Itachi!” you croak as a shiver wracks you.

“Shhh,” he tries to soothe your fear, kissing and nibbling at a tender spot below your ear that makes your resolve weaken. “I won’t hurt you.”

Something in the way he says it makes you believe him. Maybe he’d even stop if you really pleaded with him. If you explained to him that you never have been with anyone – it was even your first kiss. You should. You should object for you own sake but you stay quiet, eyes big and teeth digging into the plumpness of your bottom lip.

Another shiver runs down your spine as Itachi straightens up to see you laid out below him. Your tunic is split down the middle, barely keeping you modest and he trails a fingertip down the path, sending a new wave of goosebumps across your skin. When he reaches the end of the slash, the grabs it with both hands and tears the fabric the rest of the way apart, pulling it off your body to reveal you.

You want to look away in shame but you can’t. Instead your gaze is locked on him and how his eyes grow darker and his lips part gently as if he’s in awe.

Fingertips slide up to the underside of your breasts, tracing the curve outwards before he cups them and allows his thumbs to caress the nipples, causing them to pucker. You’ve never before realized how sensitive they are but now the touch is enough to make your back arch, driving you mad with a need that’s new to you.

Something warm is knotting deep in your abdomen and it’s only intensified when Itachi scoots down so he can bend and kiss your breasts, sucking a nipple between his teeth to make you gasp. His eyes are heavy lidded, making him looking at you through pretty lashes and silently begging you to trust him.

You’re at war with yourself but you know you are going to lose and give in to the temptation when he kisses down over your belly, pulling your trousers down to bare more skin and eventually your most private parts. Ashamed, you try to cover yourself but the shadowy tendrils still hold you in place and more are coming to wrap around your thighs as Itachi discards your clothing completely.

“Please,” you whimper.

“I intend to,” is his odd reply.

It is still him, even when you look into those strange, red eyes...but he has changed. Become more feral somehow. He’s standing at the end of the bed just looking at you prone and bare for him. The shadows around him shift and solidify before falling away once more and you rapidly close your eyes because they had revealed his nakedness and you are not ready to see you old friend like that. You can’t. But what you have seen is burned into your mind and it is not so easily replaced by other visions because it was beautiful. Sinful too.

“Look into my eyes,” Itachi demands ever so softly and you are compelled to do as he says.

Meeting his gaze, nothing else suddenly matters. In fact, it’s as though the world is replaced with a softness that you’ve missed since forever and you know you’re safe. Itachi wouldn’t hurt you and even as the normal world returns, that fact remains nestled in your heart.

That’s why you allow his to push your legs apart, revealing everything to him. That’s why you welcome him with a shivering inhalation when he kisses you there.

“I’ve never...”

He hums as he kisses your petals again. “I know.”

It feels good what he does, kissing and licking, dragging an odd wetness from your entrance and forward to your pearl. And when he flicks the pearl? A part of you want to retract your limbs, it’s so sensitive...but for the most part you want more and you roll your hips without meaning to, angling to chase his mouth.

“Eager?” he hums against your petals. “Alright.”

Long fingers spread your folds, allowing him to slide the dexterous tongue into you. It doesn’t reach far but it is enough to make you understand what you want.

“Please!” you whine, unable to say what it is exactly you yearn for.

He flicks the tip of his tongue over your pearl as if spelling out something at the same time as he pokes a finger in where you need him. You feel your walls sucking him in, fluttering around the single digit and already your body is tensing.

“Relax.”

You try to. You want to. But he’s adding another finger, wriggling and scissoring and it feels so good combined with his licks and suckling until suddenly he presses against a spot that makes you moan because it feels so good.

Biting your lip to stop the sound, shame fills your body in equal measure with the finest desire as Itachi keeps rubbing that spot and suckling on your pearl until you see stars and delight washes through you to the point that you’re shaking. It feels like nothing you’ve ever tried before.

Withdrawing his fingers, Itachi coos and praises you, kissing his way up your body.

“You did so good for me,” he murmurs, “so good.”

Leaning on an arm by your head, he kisses you and you can taste yourself on his tongue and lips but you’re more preoccupied by the blunt pressure at your entrance.

You’d only gotten a glimpse of his – in lack of a neater term – manhood before you looked away but it had been enough to prove that he was quite sizable. You had nothing to compare it to, having never seen any other but you seriously doubted what anatomy lessons were telling you should be possible.

“Just relax,” he coaxes you, kissing you deeply as he presses in.

The stretch is intense, making your walls flutter each time he pulls out a bit before continuing filling you up.

You’re fighting against the restraints, wanting to hold on to him instead, and perhaps he realizes because the tendrils of shadow fall away from your thighs, allowing you to lift your knees to his waist, wrapping your legs around him as if to prevent him from ever leaving you. It helps bring him deeper too, so deep your eyes roll back and you can’t breathe until he starts thrusting.

Slowly, the sting subsides, making way for pleasure building steadily and you meet his thrusts on instinct, tipping you pelvis and feeling how the tension reaches new highs, waiting to flood you.

“Look me in the eyes,” Itachi demands.

Meeting his gaze, you see the ruby irises are nearly swallowed by blackness. You see a control and tenderness that seem to contradict each other.

“You’re mine,” he explains, thrusts intensifying, “only mine.”

“I’m yours.”

And you know it’s true. He could ask you to do anything and you wouldn’t even hesitate.

“You will come with me. Leave this place.”

Of course you will and you nod in agreement, without being able to think of anything else than being with him. Being his.

“But first,” Itachi increases the pace of his thrusts, “first this...cum for me.”

A word from his lips is a law if your heart and you feel your body flooded with heat and you shatter for him, your walls gripping him tight which makes his hips stutter. He, like you, is arching the back, head lolling and mouth open as wave after wave of shared ecstasy surges through you both.

It takes a moment before you can fill your lungs with air properly, before your realize that your hands are free and have found purchase on Itachi’s shoulders, nails digging into his skin.

A moment longer and he pulls out of you, leaving you empty and a bit sore in a pleasurable way.

Itachi lies down next to you in the bed, pulling you closer with one arm as he searches your face for any signs of...something. You’re not sure what. In fact you aren’t sure what you should feel at all. Maybe shame but you can’t because it was right, it was good.

“Rest for now,” he kisses you slowly. “We leave at nightfall.”

“Yes.”

[therearepeoplewho]

how do we move past this imaginary permanence of the world, that is fostered by images & signs, out of death-denial and into recognition of the world around us

how do we pull our heads out of this constant immersion in images, ephemera, cultural objects (with which and by which we learn about the world, which are necessary)

this 'glass bead game' play of atemporal subtitutions, the imagined meanings, this subservience to the word, the exchange of signs with signs

how do we take what can be learned from this mess of things that we've made and return to look outward to the dying world with the intention of giving life back to it

how do we do possibly do anything resembling that without descending further into fascism

how do we wilfully destroy this imagined permanence or integrity of language (that folly which traps us in this death spiral of signs exchanging signs) without giving ground to reactionaries (who are the first to co-opt language, and already have)

how do we deconstruct the reactionary voice, the hateful graffiti echoing in every comment section (half of it bots, but the bots scarcely being needed any longer to maintain the same volume)

how do we repurpose ourselves towards a science of the "natural" world which seeks to restructure the "natural" world in preparedness for the future (as it is already decimated and no attempt to return to prior ecologies is going to help) - to build sustainable, drought-ready, burn-ready, flood-ready food forests and to biologically remediate the poisoned land - without rapidly descending into ecofascism and wanton "mastery over nature". (to find our animism, to live in respect to the living world whilst gardening it effectively towards massive and as-rapid-as-can-be-considered-responsible ecological transformation)

to me always the answer appears to be repurposing these tools to turn them to decolonisation (theory & praxis) - although in this regard we are lost in the face of black-box algorithmic content feeds still the responsibility is one of sharing with everyone the knowledge of deconstruction and assemblage-theory, biopolitics and knowledge of history. the answer appears also to be radical hospitality, poetry and self-recursive participatory theatre, expanded cinema, shedding of convention in creation of new media as subsidiary to radical action and for sharing/understanding radical action, sharing surroundings (travelling without moving). beyond that we need truly universal UBI, beyond basic (broad redistribution of resources & leisure time, needs-based, hospitality-based, and gift-giving based economy of mutual aid - instead of any system of commanding the other by any means to action or provision), lifelong access to education, it's never too soon. and we would all need to be ready to leave behind lazy survey-based "representative" politics and to replace it with power-dissassembling multi-stage plenary politics of complete participation - the idea being that everyone so empowered could agree and consent together, with no one's legitimate concerns disregarded.

anyway i think ten years time will be the ecofascism era because, yeah. i have no hope. if people like me can't even get past this fear of the state even just to go bolster the local green party then what are we really going to do

also just thinking even just using the internet as a leftist was really wild under the cameron coalition btw. it was very offputting. there's trauma there, just saying. I'd assume it's the same way now if you stick your neck out in the slightest.

remember that guy who set himself on fire outside selly oak job centre? no one talks about that. probably because they put it out right quick but still. it's the thought that counts. not that i am suggesting anyone takes the jan palach way out and not that i would but.. i fixate on it a little because that's the only thing i see as an option for me to politically self actualise because the rest of it is petrifying and that really really sucks given how much i would enjoy working at a communal kitchen in our bright anarcho-communist green future with a little neckerchief on looking all washerwoman-like and rosy-cheeked

[polyhexian]

I'm rewatching Firefly because I haven't seen it in probably ten, fifteen years now... And it's a show I've been worried may not hold up as much as I want it to....

First thing, the opening scene really is still incredible. Even if the CGI in this scene in particular is really rough- odd honestly because it looks just fine in the next scene- but it doesn't need to be. The scene is still raw and the acting is strong. Our young heroes in a defensive war against a much stronger enemy still believing they're going to win when their leaders abandon them. Nathan fillion does such a good job, especially when he stands up above the cover and just stares with these wide eyes that let you see his innocence and hope break into pieces, and the slow mo and fiddle playing as the other soldier beside him takes bullets and falls even after they've been instructed to surrender.... What a good scene

The followup with them robbing the ship is good too. Really tells you everything you need to know about everyone so efficiently.

One of the bigger issues with firefly and its world building is that in this future China and America were reigning powers and today the two primary languages spoken are English and mandarin. It's noteworthy there are no Asian characters in the main cast and very few with speaking roles whatsoever if I recall. There's also the fact that Zoe is a Strong Emotionless Black Woman who also calls Mal sir exclusively. I think this is and has always been a problem, but a lot of this has roots in her character also that makes it unremovable. Mal and Zoe served together in that war they lost, and even THOUGH it's been many years since then, they still behave like soldiers, with their dedication to that command structure indicating that neither of them have been able to move on since. There's a scene I recall from later in the series where Mal and Zoe's husband wash are both captured and being tortured, and her husband is SURE she is going to choose Mal to save (they can only buy one of them) but without any hesitation she chooses her husband. But even then, the decision is based on that implicit and bone deep connection between the two. She knows without question that Mal can handle more torture than wash can, that if she leaves Mal behind he will never waver in his belief that she will be fighting tooth and nail to save him too as soon as she can, while wash, who is not and has never been a soldier, will give up first.

Zoe has always been a favourite character- I always found her and mal's bond via war trauma fascinating and interesting to explore. Even still, it's a particularly tasteless role to cast a black woman in. There's really no way to fix the character without making her non-black, though, which is an entirely new problem.

Not quite finished with episode one yet. But goddamn. It really is so engaging. A lot of shows you may watch the entire 8 episode miniseries and not feel much investment in anyone. Firefly? Man. I ain't even done with the pilot and I'm already invested in these characters. Obviously I already KNOW them, but I remember watching this for the first time. I know how little time it took to become attached. Acting is such a massive part of it, too. The delivery of every line by every character, the expressions, the movement. Everyone SELLS their character. Really really strong. There's a reason it's still relevant today.

[fairyboygenius]

everywhere, everything

simon “ghost” riley/original female character

prev | next

maisie speaks: so. hello. the brainworms for these two are back. gonna start trying new things formatting wise also!! things ramp up here and we learn allie’s backstory

cw: alcohol, one (1) mention of weed, mentions of emotional abuse, allusions to mommy & daddy issues, one mention of abortion, allusion to religion/religious trauma

@dwarvenagenda ur just gonna permanently get tagged so i hope ur cool with that

fic under the cut love u all mwah mwah

“So he faked his death because you dumped him?”

Allie shrugged. “I mean, I don’t think that’s the only reason. Also, he dumped me.”

Kyle looked at her, a little smirk on his face. “It’s funnier that way, though. Commander Philip Graves got dumped, couldn’t handle it, and he faked his fucking death so he wouldn’t have to deal with the humiliation.”

Allie rolled her eyes, crossing and uncrossing her legs for what felt like the fifth time that night. The worn down leather of the pub booth was sticking to the backs of her thighs, and she feared for her ability to get up otherwise. Besides, she wasn’t a small woman. And she was sandwiched between two objectively large men. She felt strapped in, Velcroed to the booth. All she could really do was sip her drink. “He had also majorly fucked y’all over. Philip’s never been one to face the consequences of his actions.”

“So he fucked you over, fucked us over, and then faked his own death?” Kyle shook his head. “What an absolute prick.”

Allie let out a short laugh. “Tell me how you really feel, Garrick.” She took another swig of her drink- a Pimms, some sort of sweet British cocktail. This was her second. “It’s alright, though. I’m almost over the shock of him still being alive. At least I get more time to prepare myself for that inevitable, awkward encounter when we go.”

Chicago had been postponed indefinitely. Faulty intel combined with the most insane weather even for mid-January would do that. Despite everyone’s bloodlust for Makarov- and to a lesser extent, Graves- Laswell had refused to send them.

“Well, whatever.” Gaz raised his glass to Allie, and she raised hers in return. “To Philip Graves’ slow and painful death, hopefully at our hands.”

“Hear, hear,” Allie responded dryly.

“But don’ ye think that it’ll just draw out the inevitable?” Soap was studying her, that predatory gleam still in his eye. Allie had noticed this about him; he was like a dog with a bone. She had the urge to point out the gaggle of pretty college students at the table by the window.

Allie took a deep breath, sipping her cocktail again. “How long was your longest relationship, Soap? Because I was with him for almost ten years.”

He winced, sensing where this was going. “Fair point, lassie. Y’want another round?” Without waiting for an answer, he scooted out of the booth and headed over to the bartender. Allie excused herself soon after, heading outside to smoke a cigarette, Lola trotting happily beside her.

She settled on a bench, taking a few deep breaths and stroking Lola’s head. Allie had known this was coming. Ever since the reveal, her teammates had regarded her like she had a secret weapon. Some wealth of experience they wanted to learn about, a trauma they wanted to pull from her with alcohol and the occasional gummy (Price, surprisingly, was fond of them after a long day- or so she’d heard). Meanwhile, she’d kept herself locked up tight, wondering where the boundaries were. Was this appropriate? Would they overreact? Would they underreact, or dismiss what she had gone through? Would their camaraderie with Graves- soured as it was- override the friendship she wanted from them?

“Room for one more?”

She looked up at the wall of a man standing in front of her. Ghost (Simon- it was in his file) looked right back down at her, not even faltering when she broke eye contact. Allie shifted over, giving him a little nod. She lit her cigarette, remembering the purpose for her break outside. He crutched over to the bench and eased himself down, clearly getting better at the transferring.

A comfortable silence settled over the two of them. Ghost smoothed a gloved hand over Lola’s head, and Allie gave him a small smile. Lola, always happy to get the attention, leaned her head on Allie’s thigh. They took twin drags, the smell of cigarette smoke filling the air surrounding them.

“You can tell them to back off,” he finally said, letting the words settle in the air between them. Simon’s voice was deep and rough, the unique accent- Manchester, she had learned- thickened by a glass or two of bourbon.

“I get why they’re curious.” Allie took another drag. “It’s… After getting space from him, I’ve realized that the whole relationship is soiled. He’s a manipulative little shit-weasel.” This earned her a chuckle. It was over quick, but it was there. She tucked it away, holding it in the Ghost-shaped space he’d taken in her brain. “And this is going to sound horrible, but I was glad he was dead. I felt the same way when my mom died. I don’t hate either of them, but the thought of never having to see or hear from him again was… nice.” Here, she let out a bitter laugh. “Like when my mom died, and part of me was just glad I’d never hear her voice anywhere but my head again. Or when I left for basic and knew I wasn’t bound to Sunday service at my dad’s church. There’s a freedom there.”

“Felt the same way when my dad passed.”

The silence settled over them once again. Allie took another drag of her cigarette at the same time Simon did, the synchronicity calming. They felt linked- connected, moving at the same time. She tried not to think about “mirroring”- a sign of attraction, or so she’d heard.

“Didn’t think anyone in healthcare smoked,” Simon nodded at the cigarette, dangling from her fingertips.

“‘S more self destructive than anything.” Allie laughed, bitterly. “Phil got me into it during basic. Now I’m hooked. I wouldn’t encourage it for anyone else, but I was 18 and wanted to impress him.”

The look she got from him- neutral, just barely interested- caused her to explain. “He’s eight years older. He came to do mentoring for stealth training, saw me, and saw something that he wanted to exploit.”

He gave a nod, almost saying, Continue. How much do you want to know? Allie tried to say back, but her expressions never seemed to communicate the minutiae of her thought.

“I don’t want to get into it, but just for the record, I believed him when he said we were doing good.” Allie laughed bitterly. “I just knew that my job was to help people who were hurting, and he presented himself with an open wound to be filled.” And her heart had ached in return. Love me, it had said as it pulsed, oozing blood as she held it out to Graves. Love me. And he had been good at pretending to do just that.

“He’s a good actor,” Simon finally said. He squinted at her. “Did you come with him to Los Almas?”

Okay, Allie. Let it out. It had been a year, but this part was still hard to talk about. The only person who knew was her therapist. “He dumped me right before. Left me at the base because-“ She took a deep breath, realizing the abortion was not a story to tell this early in a relationship-platonic or romantic. “Anyway. He took another medic with him, and come to find out she was hooking up with him the whole time I was involved in Shadow Company. Then he… well. Pretended to die.”

“Prick.”

“For sure.”

“You deserve better.” The words seemed to tumble out of Simon’s mouth, and he looked almost taken aback. Allie felt her cheeks heat. She’s almost certain her bare shoulders are cherry-red. The decision to put on a sundress under her oversized denim jacket was clearly foolish- made by someone still used to mild Texan winters.

“Thank you,” she managed to say, pulling the jacket tighter around her, hoping to burrow inside.

“Are you still in love with him?” This also caught her off guard- something Simon seemed to be good at. He also caught himself off guard- Allie could tell by the way he cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. Someone was going to ask.” She took a deep breath, before a long drag of her cigarette. “I’m not, no. Was actually just starting to put myself back out there before Kate called me. And I’m not sure you know this, but it’s hard to get a date when your entire life revolves around spending time with four large men.”

“We’re very lucky,” Simon said dryly, eyes crinkling at the corners as she laughed. He touched his nose, drawing both their attentions to the brace there. “Thanks for this, by the way.”

“Was just doin’ my job.”

His phone buzzed with a text, breaking the bubble of peace they had cultivated. Allie shivered as he looked down, the cold suddenly hitting her bare legs. Goosebumps popped up all over her skin. Without even pausing, Simon slipped the thick leather jacket he was wearing off, holding his hands out for the denim one.

“You don’t have to.” Inside, Allie was giddy. She wasn’t sure, but she could imagine that there was a stupid smile on her face- it had been a while since she was flirted with like this. She shrugged off her jacket anyway, wondering if Simon had any idea how obvious he was being. “Won’t you be cold?”

“‘M used to it. Run cold.” He took the denim jacket as she shrugged it off, passing her the leather one. Allie let out a sigh of relief as she pulled it on. It’s still oversized on her- well worn leather, smelling of smoke and either whiskey or bourbon. Phil had always bought new jackets a couple sizes too small. He wasn’t nearly as broad or tall, his hands not even big enough to cup one of her breasts fully. She had a feeling Simon could do that with no problem. She also distinctly felt those amber eyes lingering on the expanse of her collarbone, the slightest hint of cleavage. He definitely saw the tattoos littering her arms and shoulders.

She willed the blush on her cheeks to go down and stuffed her hands into the jacket’s deep pockets. “What was the text?”

He started, pulling his phone out again to reread it. Weird. “Johnny’s apparently tryin’ to hit on some college girls. Wanted to know if I wanted to join.”

The butterflies in her stomach turned to dust. “Do you?”

He looked at her, eyes meeting her own. “No.”

It was only one word, but even so, the butterflies reassembled.

“Besides,” he said, his voice quiet. “Unlike some people, I don’t like sleeping with women a decade younger.” They both knew he meant Graves, but Allie’s mind flashed to their own age difference. She was about to turn 30, him 35. Was that too much for him? Where was his limit? Was she too young?

“You wanna head back in?” she asked. Lola nudged her nose against Allie’s leg, tail thumping against Simon’s thigh.

He shook his head, which made her laugh. “If you insist.” He got up and went inside before she could say, No, I’m not insisting, I’m perfectly happy doing this with you every day for the rest of my life. So she got up anyway, brushed the dirt off her skirt, and headed back inside.

Allie tucked herself back into the booth, sitting right between Kyle and Simon. They watched as Johnny tried and failed to pick up one of the college girls, trying to hold back laughter at his expense. They had two more drinks each. She split a plate of “chips”(fries) with Kyle and gave him shit for not liking mayo. Price bought her a whiskey as a welcome gift. She swished the amber liquid- same color as Simon’s eyes-around in her mouth and tried not to think about losing them.

This was what she would do now, after all. The 141 had her for six months. Then they could decide if they wanted her to stick around, and if not she’d go somewhere else. A week in and she already felt herself getting attached, unable to imagine her days without them. Without her next-door neighbor in particular.

They got back to base around two in the morning. Allie split off from the group, leaving them to play pool and yell drunkenly in the rec room as she headed to bed. She had just finished doing her skincare routine and was putting on pajamas when a piece of paper slid under her door. She unfolded it to see a message, chicken scratch handwriting in black ink.

gonna raid the kitchen

you want anything?

The note was signed “S.R.” and Allie rolled her eyes despite herself. Always so formal. She pulled out a pen and wrote back, handwriting slightly sloppy as it flowed from her liquor-soaked brain.

no thanks! i’ve got snacks in here. but feel free to come by the medbay and pick up some aspirin for the hangover tomorrow:)

She didn’t bother signing it, just slid it under her door before locking it and sliding into bed. Lola lay at the foot, already dozing even as Allie tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. Simon’s jacket lay across her desk, and she could still smell cigarettes and whiskey (bourbon?) if she concentrated.

She drifted off to sleep thinking about amber eyes, big hands, and a rough accented voice in her ear.

[sapphire-weapon]

Not that anon but I want ur metaltango explanation 👀

ok well

I'm pretty high, so gomen if this is incoherent.

basically, we know exactly three things about Krauser's past:

he trained Leon

he loved his men but couldn't protect them, and then couldn't even die alongside them, and he feels incredible guilt over that

Leon says that he had a code of honor that he kept to, and the game outright says that he used to be a good guy

none of that

literally NONE OF IT

even hints that Krauser was an abuser. in fact, it paints a total opposite picture.

Krauser is a dark omen of what Leon could become under the right conditions, because he was also someone who believed wholeheartedly in the institutions that were supposed to support him, in the rule of authority and law, and in the chain of command -- all things that Leon believed in in RE2.

and just like Leon in RE2, he had all of that ripped out from under him in the harshest way possible.

but unlike Leon, Krauser didn't have a Sherry Birkin to protect. he was left completely and utterly alone. abandoned. and born from that trauma was a desperation to never have that happen to him again, which is why he goes out seeking power to protect himself with.

if Leon had had everything stripped away from him the way that Krauser had, who's to say that he wouldn't have become a villain himself? he certainly had justification for it, after all that'd happened to him.

and the game harps on this a few different times. Krauser says to Leon that they're two sides of the same coin. he also has a line: "I know your every move. you learned them from me." the implication here is that Leon is still walking down that path. he's not out of those woods yet. if he doesn't save Ashley... then what?

so go back and rewind now.

rewind to Leon being fresh out of RE2 and all of the horrible shit that happened to him and being placed under command of this man who's at least ten years his senior but still believes in all of the things that betrayed Leon in Raccoon City. that was probably a pretty powerful revelation for him, and -- knowing what we know about Leon -- it was something that he would've wanted to emulate. Krauser was a strong man who took no bullshit from anyone, but he still had things that he believed in. that's exactly the kind of person that Leon would want to be.

and like. Krauser couldn't have trained Leon with the efficacy that he did if Leon didn't trust him completely. like yeah, Leon ran missions with his unit, but their trainings were one-on-one affairs. if Leon didn't trust him, he wouldn't have been able to learn shit from him. and since Leon went into this relationship not being able to trust himself, even, after RE2, to be able to trust someone else to that extent is a Big Fucking Deal, actually.

like.

Leon doesn't want to fight Krauser in RE4make. and he certainly doesn't want to kill him. even after Krauser kills Luis, Leon's still trying to talk it out with him. because he loves this man. Krauser believed in him when he didn't even believe in himself, and Krauser's teachings are what kept him going this long.

and on the flipside of things, Krauser looked at Leon and saw nigh-limitless potential stuck inside of a man who was too broken to see it. the one thing that held Leon back was his own distrust of himself, and so it became Krauser's goal to build that confidence in him back up in order to unlock that potential. and to be a part of something like that -- to have that kind of effect on another human being's life -- that's some really powerful shit, too.

but then Operation Javier happens. and Leon lives, when all of Krauser's other men die. how do you cope with something like that? unfortunately, Krauser didn't.

so metaltango is like... at least for me...

it's a mentor/student relationship that's far more personal than that. Leon looks up to Krauser, sure, and Krauser has a vested interest in helping Leon become the best version of himself that he can, but... it's more than that. both of them saw pieces of themselves in each other. both of them drew hope from one another. but then that hope in both of them died, leaving them with nowhere else to go but spiraling towards certain destruction. the story between Leon and Krauser is a tragedy, but that tragedy wasn't born from abuse. it was born from the trust and hope and love that was lost between them.

my brain is melting

i hope any of this is making sense

[lanabenikosdoormat]

OC Questionnaire! ft. Jed Solaris

Thank you so much for the tag Ata @parseolegacy !! I’ve been ruminating on your questions for awhile, such good picks!

How did your OC develop their closest friendship? What brought them and their closest friend together? What was their journey?

Lana is Jed’s closest confident, as many know. But it wasn’t always this way. There was a lot of tension in the early days of their strictly objective centered relationship. Lana was a sith, Jed an agent (who had no love or respect for any sith) but this was soon to change. Especially in KOTFE/KOTET where Lana really became his right hand man.

She had a sense of humor, she never spoke down to him, even when he in turn had scorned her for being sith. And when it was Lana that came to his rescue in KOTFE he realized just how much he’d missed his dearest ally.

They’re both very similar, pragmatic and headstrong and generally people of reason. Jed has always been very good at navigating people first and foremost (it’s what makes him such a good Commander) all whilst harboring this sort of obsessive undying loyalty towards the other. It can be too much it points, but I mean they’re all going through intergalactic war - who wouldn’t be stressed out of their minds.

If there was any advice your OC could give to their younger self, what would it be?

As a young imperial, Jed was really pushing that DS alignment. He was ripe with suppressed feelings and trauma and of course — firearms! That the Empire was more than willing to steer him in the right direction. I think Jed would tell himself that he must find something worth fighting for that’s important to him. Not the while and wishes of Imperial Intelligence, or the Empire. That he does have agency, even in little ways.

When your OC gets homesick- what place do they think of? What does ‘home’ mean to them, if they have one at all? If there isn’t one, do they wish they had one and what kind of place would they want home to be? Do they have conflicting feelings about ‘home?’

He grew up on Sacorria, a small agrarian planet as a farmers boy and only child. Though despite the fond memories of his childhood Jed would never really want to return. It’s where he lost his parents, where he got half of his face blown off, and he hadn’t been back since he was taken into refuge by Imperial Intelligence.

Home then used to be Ziost, where he trained as a loyal soldier (later moved to be an agent) of the Empire. So you can imagine there was a lot of agony that befell him when the whole uh.. Ziost thing happened.

Then home became his ship, and his crew. But then that idea grew — and soon home became the Alliance and Odessen. In a way, it reminded him of Sacorria, but it was more the people he was surrounded with and the closeness of found family that made the Alliance more than just a cause to fight for, but a community.

My questions!

1. How has your OC changed over time? Are there any major differences that have happened since their inception?

2. Where does your OC see themself in ten years. Now, what actually happens to your oc in ten years time?

3. What‘s something unexpected about your OC that most people wouldn’t assume just from looking at them!

No pressure tags for my oc rambling mutuals ! Yap away my friends :)

@heyitszev @shanaraharlyah @pixelplanetig @faustinio27 @firebird-legacy @charmedcleric

[prodigal-explorer]

my patton's family au

(cw -> religious delusions, religious trauma, prostitution, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, non-consensual polygamy, kidnapping, technically pedophilia but not really? it's hard to explain that part. basically, an adult grooms a minor but not out of genuine romantic or sexual attraction.)

patton sees himself as a servant of god. a man who was put on earth to rid the world of sin. he has delusions, and very vivid dreams of god speaking to him and telling him about signs to look out for in sinners, and the things he must do to sinners.

one day, "god tells" patton that he must start a family, a family of misguided sinners who need help from him, who need a community to lean on and depend upon while they find their inner holiness. so patton readily agrees. after all, he's always wanted a family of his own.

so he starts. the very first sinner he encounters after "god's request" is a man about his own age (patton is in his early 30's) named logan. logan is an assistant professor at the nearby state university, and he's working towards a doctorate in human development and education. but logan is a cruel, cold man who does not see the merit in considering the feelings of anybody. he is very judgmental, and he expects way too much out of people, which is very ironic considering his major. he attends to things in a very scientific and logical way, assuming that everything fits into a box and that all rules must be adhered to no matter what. patton labels him as the very first sin: pride.

patton convinces logan that he is in love with him, and the two of them get married. and the moment logan is ensnared, patton starts teaching him "god's" lesson. logan becomes The Servant. he is trapped underneath patton's commands, being forced to cook and clean with barely a moment's rest. patton does this in order to show logan how terrible it is to have too much pressure placed upon a person and to be treated like a workhorse with no feelings.

the next sinner patton encounters is a man a little bit younger than him, a man named janus. janus is a prostitute, and he tries to pick up patton, but the way he does it is what sets patton off. janus lies. he lies and lies about how he feels such a connection, that he's just a poor young boy who needs money for his family, that he'll do anything for a couple bucks. so patton pretends to go with the lie, and he again convinces the lying prostitute that he's in love with him. patton labels janus as the next sin: lust.

patton marries janus, and the second janus is ensnared, he becomes The Jezebel. this title hurts twice as much because janus is a transgender man, something else that he lied about when trying to get with patton. janus is sexually abused by patton day after day, because patton hopes that if janus can associate sex with pain, then he will no longer crave it so much.

and after that, the third sinner. patton meets a young man, about ten years younger than him, named virgil. virgil is a man who was bullied a lot in his youth, and this hardened him, making him angry and terrified of ever being vulnerable in front of others. so in order to make himself the strongest, virgil got very physically adept, and he collected a posse of people who thought just like he did, one thing led to another, and he became the leader of a small gang. patton realized, though, that the only people virgil ever targeted were people who he had a history with. people who virgil personally wanted to see suffer as a result of both the hurt that virgil had endured and the fear that if virgil did not assert dominance, then his past bullies would. patton titles virgil as: wrath.

patton once again marries virgil and ensnares him. and virgil's new role in the family is The Pet. virgil is trussed up like a dog, forced to walk on all fours and dehumanize himself. patton decides that this will be a lesson to virgil, to humble him and show him that physical strength does not make up for emotional weakness.

and finally, the last sinner. "god tells" patton that he only needs one more person to round out his family of sinners, his family that he will work ever so hard to correct and convert so they will walk on the right path and get to heaven when they die. and the unlucky person patton finds? a teenager, a boy named roman. fifteen years old, the child of an acquaintance of patton's, and the most spoiled boy that patton had ever seen in his life. roman wanted everything all the time, and he screamed and thrashed and threw fits when he did not get to do exactly as pleased. when patton was asked to babysit for the young terror, the man readily agreed. roman was a naive child. he would be the easiest person yet to ensnare. patton titled roman's sin: greed.

patton married roman the day the boy turned eighteen, whisking him away and making him become The Child. see, patton thought that roman was trying to grow up entirely too fast. roman wanted to make his own decisions. roman wanted to do everything he wanted, all by himself, with no guidance. so patton took every bit of freedom away from roman, as well as every chance at friendship, for roman also became patton's favorite, because in patton's eyes, roman was the most likely to be "saved". since he was the youngest, he could change his mind easier, and a spoiled child was an easy fix in patton's eyes. just take away everything they hold dear for a very long time until they have no choice but to become humbled. it would be simple.

and that's the au, pretty much! sorry for the word vomit, i just had to get all of this down before i forgot it! also, roman, virgil, janus, and logan all have deeper lore, lore that sort of explains further why they are the way they are. and also, patton is never trying to be evil. he never enjoys hurting his "family", and he genuinely believes that god is talking to him.

the most chilling thing about this au is that patton is completely convinced that he is the hero in the story. the one who is doing the right thing, and that the four men suffering at his hand are benefiting from what he is doing. it's just aghhh it's creepy and cool and it scratches my whumpy itch.

[koukouture]

Some interesting things abt Babylonia’s politics + some theories

*clown voice* Hola amigos! So I am fucking insane and took some notes (and screenshots) while reading the New Divide extra story chapter and I think it has some very interesting insights into Babylonia’s government! So I will be sharing those in no particular order

Parliament

As we can see in this screenshot here, there are some logos that aren’t just the standard WG logo. I have no idea what the one on the right is supposed to be for (possibly their version of their Supreme Court or smth) but I think the logo with the C is for the Control Court and the one in the middle is just for Gestalt. There are other logos in other shots of this meeting room thingy but half of them are cut off and these three are the only ones that are consistent.

I imagine these are the parties maybe? Idk what kinda government structure Babylonia has but that’s my guess. Wonder what party Hassen is from then.

Collins’ and Kurono’s intentions

Throughout this story, Collins is shown wanting more power in Parliament. Interesting when you consider that an ex Kurono member, Nikola is basically the second in Command of Babylonia’s army. Makes me wonder if there was ever a point Nikola had the same goal and thus joined parliament, since Liszt, a member of Kurono, is in parliament as a member of the Control Court.

Anyways that kinda segways into the next bullet point

Nikola and Hassen’s relationship

Their partnership never fails to intrigue me. Because Nikola left Kurono and is actively working with Hassen against them. (for the most part) I wonder how they became partners? Because iirc Nikola is still with Kurono during the events of Lucia and Luna’s interlude, which is roughly uh… ten ish years before the story starts? I could go into a whole speculative timeline on what I think was Hassen’s ascent to becoming president but I’m not going to rn.

I just really wanna know how they met and how long they’ve known each other because they seem to trust each other. And they know each other pretty well as evidenced by Nikola remarking that Hassen is far more ruthless than him in I believe it was Last Spark?? Idk I have a screenshot somewhere. Anyways they’re literally married it’s just very interesting to me.

(Also I think it’s kinda cute their suits are like inversions of the other’s colours? Hassen’s suit is grey with a black tie and Nikola’s suit is black with a grey tie idk if that was intentional and/or I’m reading too far into this but they’re a cute little duo TO ME)

Nikola’s opposition against Kurono

I am absolutely living for Nikola’s beef with his old faction oh my god. This shit is so fucking funny to me. Like I think he should have let Karenina beat the shit out of Collins. I know that there might be some trauma involved seeing as Kurono is responsible for like half of this game’s problems that aren’t the Punishing Virus, but still.

(I could go into heavy detail on why I think Nikola is highkey traumatized by Kurono but that is for another time”

He just hates them so fucking much and I think he’s actively praying on Kurono’s downfall I am so here for it.

Honestly? I hope Nikola gets what he wants I fucking hate Collins.

Vonnegut’s mole

Okay this was a little theory I came up with while I was reading through Roland’s little section of the story but how the fuck does Vonnegut know about the Lunar base and the Zero point reactor???? He has some explaining to do because I don’t think the general public knows about it.

This leads me to think that Vonnegut has some high ranking eyes up in Babylonia. Perhaps it’s a Kurono member. Idk. I just don’t fucking know how he knows abt the Lunar Base maybe I’ll re read that part but still I am confuzzled.

Kurono. Just, Kurono

Kurono is actually so sussy I am appalled that more people in Parliament aren’t trying to shut them down. Like they’re an entirely different organization with a private military, secret experiments, and general shady dealing and no one bats a fucking eye???

The way they sort of have their own government and operate outside of Babylonia’s rules too??? This is bonkers does nobody get the memo that Kurono is up to something??? I have a war crime counter tally and Kurono’s counts of illegal experimentation are slowly piling up oh my god.

I hope Nikola rats out all of Kurono’s and I hope he gets to kill Collins bc I think he deserves it.

Anyways this has been Kou’s delusions abt a fictional government I will see you again my dear reader once I get more lore crumbs

(Kuro plz translate the rest of Dominik’s orphans I see a link to the Manga on the PGR website you know you want to}

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

🔆anon

I’m pretty sure I went over some of their endings before, but I’ll redo them here. (I don’t mention therapy for all of them, but they do get therapy.)

Dusk - He does get therapy for his anger issues and finally listens to not using magic 24/7 until his body is more used to it. He also gets help and makes amends with Lilia. Their relationship isn’t perfect, the trauma and their habits of keeping secrets doesn’t go away, but it’s far better and they feel like family again. Dusk also works for disaster relief and helps people who need to be evacuated/saved or projects like distributing supplies and rebuilding houses.

Domino - Gets together with Silver and ends up in a more comfortable spot with his family. He gets a job at a research lab nearby the Spade family house as well as Silver inheriting the house in Briarvalley, which they use more as a second home than their main one. He remains friends with Malleus, and since he also makes music, Malleus “accidentally” let it slip that he listens to it. Now he is really popular and thinking of doing it full time. He and Silver also have a daughter together.

Canis - Canis grows up as normal as possible. Vargas gets therapy and eventually is more used to Canis being away from him, and Canis gets therapy as well for dealing with a time jump and seeing Vargas’s outburst. He ends up going to NRC as a Savannaclaw student. He aimed for the housewarden seat, but failed and found he liked being second in command better. He remains pretty close to the main cast too. Also, for Grim, he does become powerful, but decided a to live at NRC. He’s there to help keep everything in check and is actually really good at it. He does visit Canis and Vargas from time to time.

Kit - She marries Kalim and becomes a member of the Asim family. Honestly, she has a lot of issues there, but that’s not unexpected. On a good note, she becomes closer friends with Jamil, like best friends, since she helps Kalim in getting rid of the forced servitude, and even help in getting the Asims to pay the families that were under them for so long. She does become an actor and model too. Not on purpose and she doesn’t do a lot of acting or modeling, but she is popular. She also remains close with the first year squad, especially Epel, and Rook and Vil. Vil even helped her by being a tutor. Gidel eventually went to NRC, being in Scarabia, and Fellow became an artist.

Toryn - He marries Vil after ten years. But he also becomes more confident and self assured, finding ways to be honest with what he wants and not feel like a burden. He also becomes one to mess with his brothers a lot, being arguably worse than them. He takes up professional surfing as a job. He does competitions, and he’s pretty good, and he teaches others. He’s pretty popular in the surfing community, especially where they live.

Dekker - Dekker gets a therapist to help push him to reconnect with his family and build an honest relationship with them, and he does. He even helped Cater get a better relationship too. He remains with Azul and becomes a high member of Monstro Lounge. He’s not an owner, Azul’s not mixing business and love life, but Dekker made his way up. Azul, a therapist, and his family also help him undo his webs and find healthier alternatives. It was a painful and paranoia inducing process, but it’s better now, even if he still has the urge to remake them.

Ruse - He gets a lot of therapy for his religious trauma. Though, during that time, he is shown it’s okay to think for himself and act for himself. He also realizes he wants to become an entomologist, and he does become one, specializing in beetles, specifically ladybugs. He also learns how to cook and clean, and isn’t half bad. He also remains really close to Riddle and was one of the people who was closets when Riddle cut their mom off. Ruse still has scars from what he went through, he won’t ever be “normal”, but he’s accepted it. He’s self aware and has a support system. He’s also learned how to apologize, even if it’s still hard for him to do.

Trinity, Malynne, and Skion don’t have fully thought out futures, but they have things. Trinity learns to feel her feelings again, and that she has Sebek and her family there for her. Malynne learns to not control people and that it’s all coming from her own issues, and Rook is always there and one of the best people to calm her down. Skion is able to stop pretending to be a jester and just feel what he’s been running from, he also accepts Ortho’s death and is able to better separate him from Robot Ortho, and he accepts Robot Ortho as a part of his life and as his brother.

Happy endings.

[agonycrossbow]

basically, we know exactly three things about Krauser's past:

he trained Leon

he loved his men but couldn't protect them, and then couldn't even die alongside them, and he feels incredible guilt over that

Leon says that he had a code of honor that he kept to, and the game outright says that he used to be a good guy

none of that

literally NONE OF IT

even hints that Krauser was an abuser. in fact, it paints a total opposite picture.

Krauser is a dark omen of what Leon could become under the right conditions, because he was also someone who believed wholeheartedly in the institutions that were supposed to support him, in the rule of authority and law, and in the chain of command -- all things that Leon believed in in RE2.

and just like Leon in RE2, he had all of that ripped out from under him in the harshest way possible.

but unlike Leon, Krauser didn't have a Sherry Birkin to protect. he was left completely and utterly alone. abandoned. and born from that trauma was a desperation to never have that happen to him again, which is why he goes out seeking power to protect himself with.

if Leon had had everything stripped away from him the way that Krauser had, who's to say that he wouldn't have become a villain himself? he certainly had justification for it, after all that'd happened to him.

and the game harps on this a few different times. Krauser says to Leon that they're two sides of the same coin. he also has a line: "I know your every move. you learned them from me." the implication here is that Leon is still walking down that path. he's not out of those woods yet. if he doesn't save Ashley... then what?

so go back and rewind now.

rewind to Leon being fresh out of RE2 and all of the horrible shit that happened to him and being placed under command of this man who's at least ten years his senior but still believes in all of the things that betrayed Leon in Raccoon City. that was probably a pretty powerful revelation for him, and -- knowing what we know about Leon -- it was something that he would've wanted to emulate. Krauser was a strong man who took no bullshit from anyone, but he still had things that he believed in. that's exactly the kind of person that Leon would want to be.

and like. Krauser couldn't have trained Leon with the efficacy that he did if Leon didn't trust him completely. like yeah, Leon ran missions with his unit, but their trainings were one-on-one affairs. if Leon didn't trust him, he wouldn't have been able to learn shit from him. and since Leon went into this relationship not being able to trust himself, even, after RE2, to be able to trust someone else to that extent is a Big Fucking Deal, actually.

like.

Leon doesn't want to fight Krauser in RE4make. and he certainly doesn't want to kill him. even after Krauser kills Luis, Leon's still trying to talk it out with him. because he loves this man. Krauser believed in him when he didn't even believe in himself, and Krauser's teachings are what kept him going this long.

and on the flipside of things, Krauser looked at Leon and saw nigh-limitless potential stuck inside of a man who was too broken to see it. the one thing that held Leon back was his own distrust of himself, and so it became Krauser's goal to build that confidence in him back up in order to unlock that potential. and to be a part of something like that -- to have that kind of effect on another human being's life -- that's some really powerful shit, too.

but then Operation Javier happens. and Leon lives, when all of Krauser's other men die. how do you cope with something like that? unfortunately, Krauser didn't.

so metaltango is like... at least for me...

it's a mentor/student relationship that's far more personal than that. Leon looks up to Krauser, sure, and Krauser has a vested interest in helping Leon become the best version of himself that he can, but... it's more than that. both of them saw pieces of themselves in each other. both of them drew hope from one another. but then that hope in both of them died, leaving them with nowhere else to go but spiraling towards certain destruction. the story between Leon and Krauser is a tragedy, but that tragedy wasn't born from abuse. it was born from the trust and hope and love that was lost between them.

[skarabrae-stone]

Okay, here we go. Thanks to @burberrycanary for the tag!

Rules: Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass this onto other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

Not a Perfect Soldier -- 93k | M | Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers | MCU

Summary: In a world where HYDRA was wiped out in the '40s, Steve is found by the Army rather than SHIELD. General Thaddeus Ross wants a perfectly obedient super-soldier at his command, and to that end, he sets out to break Steve to his will. As Steve struggles to come to terms with all he has lost, his life in captivity is only made bearable by the presence of another prisoner-- another super-soldier known only as "Soldat". Then the Avengers strike a deal with Ross to "borrow" him for missions, and Steve is faced with a team who dislikes him, an organization he doesn't trust, and the question of what he's willing to do to escape Ross's clutches. This is probably still my favorite of the fics I've written, as it included a lot of themes/tropes that I enjoy reading as well as writing. It was a really interesting challenge to handle Steve and Bucky's separate traumas, and the various misunderstandings between Steve and the Avengers. This was also my first time writing Jewish Bucky in a way that really focused on that aspect of his identity, and I'm really grateful to siyuttov for their help in making that part of the story more accurate. I'm also really proud of the fact that I wrote a novel-length fic!

You Can Touch -- 3k | E | Bucky Barnes/Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers | MCU

Summary: She opens the door almost as soon as he knocks, ushering him inside before he can say anything. Her hair is partway down, her jacket and tie folded neatly over the back of a chair. She was getting ready for bed, he supposes, or at least planning to stay in for the night. Steve is in a meeting. Bucky goes to visit Peggy. There are three fics in this series, but this one has a special place in my heart. This was my first fic where I really tried to get explicit, and it was also different from my usual Steve/Bucky-focused fics in that most of the fic is just Bucky/Peggy (Steve comes in at the end). I really loved writing the developing intimacy between Bucky and Peggy, and there's always something fascinating to me about characters choosing to be vulnerable with each other, and taking care of each other/allowing themselves to be taken care of.

The Kind You Save -- 37k | M | Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson | MCU

Summary: When HYDRA sends the Winter Soldiers to assassinate the new Captain America, they expect the mission to be an easy one. After all, they're super-soldiers-- how hard can it be to kill one unenhanced human? As more and more of their attempts prove unsuccessful, however, the Soldiers' respect for Wilson grows, as does their suspicion that HYDRA's motives are not what they seem. If Sam Wilson is a good man, what does that make them…? I really love playing with the concept of Steve as the Winter Soldier. I also love Sam Wilson as Captain America. So Steve and Bucky as Winter Soldiers who first attempt to assassinate Sam, then start to fall for him as they realize what a good person he is, was great fun for me! It was really interesting to figure out what Steve's personality as the Winter Soldier might be like, and how his and Bucky's dynamic might work if they were both brainwashed. And it was great getting to write Sam as the hero he is!

Brave Soldier Boy (Comes Marching Home) -- 2k | G | Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers | MCU

Summary: Ten years after losing her son in the war, Winnifred Barnes receives an unexpected visitor. The Winter Soldier needs her help with an important mission. This story is from the point of view of Winnifred Barnes, which I really enjoyed writing! Mothers in the MCU tend to be dead if they're mentioned at all, and I really enjoyed giving Winnifred (and the rest of Bucky's family) a chance to shine. Several people told me they were nervous to read this because of the title, but it has a happy ending!

Let Me Touch You for Awhile -- 2k | T | Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers | MCU

As Bucky heals from his experiences as the Winter Soldier, he begins to remember some of the things he's been missing out on-- specifically, the fact that Steve and Bucky used to be comfortable touching each other, whether it was an arm around the shoulders or a hug goodbye. But Steve in the present day seems determined to give Bucky space... much more space than Bucky wants. Can Bucky work up the courage to ask for the physical intimacy he craves? Set after an Infinity War that ended differently, with the Avengers and co. defeating Thanos before he had the chance to Snap. I'm a huge fan of touch-starved Bucky, but I'd never written a fic that just focuses on that, so I really enjoyed writing this! This is also a bit of a fix-it with everyone surviving Infinity War (and no Endgame), and I liked getting the chance to write a cameo of Natasha and Yelena's relationship.

@elvenfforestydd, @h-i-raeth, @16woodsequ, @lycorogue, @xemiliagryphonx, @planeoftheeclectic, @bifuriouswaterbender and anyone else who'd like to join in, please play if you want to!