#how could I know what a gogurt is

[vergil-losing-archive]

gogurt (and frubes I guess) is yogurt in a tube marketed for children for ease of use I guess? you dont need a spoon so its good for packed lunches.

The saga of me learning new stuff from silly interactions on this blog continues, once again.

[phosphorus-12]

Grougal: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey! Qilby: But I'm a vegan. Grougal: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness.

Qilby: You’re overthinking this. Yugo: You don’t know the appropriate level of thinking, Qilby. What if I’m underthinking?

Qilby: Let’s write Efrim a friendly note, shall we? Dear… Incompetent… Dumbass…

Yugo: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container. Grougal: The cow?? Chibi: What? Adamai: Grougal, W H Y?

Qilby: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? Mina >:O language Yugo: Yeah watch your fucking language Chibi: Okay, who taught Yugo the fuck word?! Adamai: 'The fuck word'. Mina: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time Glip: Oh my god they censored it Qilby: Say fuck, Mina. Efrim: Do it, Mina. Say fuck.

Efrim: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Yugo.

Adamai: We should normalize not loving family members. Yugo: You can just say: “I hate my dumb fuck brother, Qilby” or whatever. Talk like a normal person!

Chibi: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city. Mina: Well, that was entirely predictable. Chibi: One of them punched a gang member. Mina: Qilby? Chibi: Yugo, actually. Mina: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.

Baby Grougal after being born: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY- Yugo: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~ Grougal: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH- Adamai, recording: This is so cute.

Qilby: Why is it so hard for you to believe me?! Glip: … Qilby: Oh, right. The lying.

Balthazar: I hate you sometimes. Qilby: Well according to this picture Mina drew of us holding hands that's not true. Balthazar: Qilby, you drew that. Qilby: It doesn't matter.

Grougal: This should be illegal! Chibi: It is.

Phaeris is casually searching around the room Adamai: Hey Phaeris, what’re you looking for? Phaeris: My will to live. Mina walks into the room Phaeris: Oh, there it is.

Nora: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this? Yugo, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.

Nora: Made you all playlists! Nora: Efrim, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul. Nora: Chibi, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression. Nora: And Shinonome has the ABBA Gold album.

Nora: CHARACTER. FLAWS. ARE. FUCKING. IMPORTANT. Yugo: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re gogurt tubes.

Kidnapper: I have your father. Yugo: What? I don't have a father… Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face? Yugo: Oh my god, you have my brother Qilby.

Shinonome: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?? Balthazar: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔 Chibi: Why were you microwaving a lemon??? Balthazar: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots. Adamai: Did you burn an orange too? How??? Balthazar: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

Yugo: You don't think I can fight because of my height! Chibi: I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Qilby can fight in that dress either. Qilby: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.

Chibi: I'm trying to juggle family life and work life but I can't seem to find a balance. What do you suggest I do to keep everyone happy? Yugo, deadpan: Quit your job, kill your family.

Efrim: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and… Grougal: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma. Efrim: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said… Qilby: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

[skzpixie]

Taglist: @mynameisnotlaura, @palindrome969

Kai: Hey, you want some leftovers?  Minho: What's that?  Kai: You've never had leftovers???  Minho: No, because I'm not a quitter. 

-

Chan: I drink to forget but I always remember.  

Kai: You're drinking orange juice. 

-

Kai: Can we talk about that mass email you sent?  

Changbin: Why? It was important.  

Kai: All it says is, "I'm back on my shit".  

Hyunjin, shrugging: The people need to know. 

-

Kai: *pitches an idea*  

Jeongin, impressed: Huh, there might be something here!  

Seungmin, under their breath: Yeah, a lawsuit. 

-

Kai: You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound that my brain makes all the time. 

-

Kai: Twilight Sparkle was the main character because she represented the element of friendship—  

Hyunjin, tied up: PLEASE, I JUST WANT TO SEE MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Kai: I'M NOT DONE!  

Kai: And Rainbow Dash was the sporty girl— 

-

Felix: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body.  

Seungmin: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.  

Felix: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!  

Kai: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from... 

-

Jeongin: Don't have a bookmark? Try ketchup instead!!  

Kai: What makes you think I read? 

-

Kai: Christmas lights?  

Chan: Check.  

Changbin: Thermos of hot cocoa?  

Chan: Check.  

Felix: Santa suits?  

Chan: Check.  

Kai: Shovel?  

Chan: Check.  

Minho: Alibi and bail money?  

Chan: Check- wait, WHAT?! 

-

Han, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.  

Kai, entering the room with a small cut on their ankle: Who the f- 

-

Changbin: I love you.  

Kai: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.  

*Kai and Changbin kiss passionately*  

Minho, to Seungmin: You owe me 20 dollars. 

-

Seungmin: Changbin, I don't like you.  

Changbin: What did you say?  

Seungmin: You heard me!  

Changbin, internally: And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said. 

-

Chan: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-  

Felix: It was me...  

Chan: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance. 

-

Felix: We call that a traumatic experience.  

Felix, turning to Seungmin: Not a "bruh moment".  

Felix, turning to Kai: Not "sadge".  

Felix, turning to Han: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO". 

-

Jeongin: You use emoji’s like a straight person.  

Kai: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me. 

-

Hyunjin: What do you think Kai will do for a distraction?  

Han: She'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.  

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*  

Han: ...or She could do that. 

-

Kai: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down. 

-

Kai: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat. 

Hyunjin: I’m not stupid, you know.  

Kai: Well, you’re doing a really good impression of it! 

-

*Kai and Felix texting*  

Kai: Come downstairs and talk to me please. I'm lonely.  

Felix: Isn't Hyunjin there?  

Kai: Yes but I like you more. 

-

Jeongin, referring to Han and Felix: Those guys are dorks.  

Kai: Yes, but they’re my dorks. 

-

Seungmin: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!  

Changbin: It's kind of complicated, but Kai- 

Seungmin: Got it. Forget I asked. 

-

Seungmin: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?  

Kai: Generic excuse.  

Seungmin: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.  

Kai: I can. 

-

Felix: CHARACTER. FLAWS. ARE. FUCKING. IMPORTANT.  

Kai: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re gogurt tubes. 

-

Changbin: If you want my advice-  

Han: No offense but you’re the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times.  

Changbin: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, they’ve also tried to kill me.  

Hyunjin: It’s true. It was mutually attempted murder. 

-

Kai, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-  

Seungmin, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?  

Hyunjin, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.  

Chan, appalled: Call the exorcist. 

-

Kai: What’s your name?  

Changbin, whispering to Jeongin: Can I tell Her my real name?  

Jeongin: No!  

Changbin: I’m… Jeongin.  

Jeongin, whispering to Himself: The ONE TIME he gets my name right… 

-

Kai: The shadow realm? No, I’m sending you to Ohio! 

-

Hyunjin: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.  

Kai: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?  

Han: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.  

Seungmin: Guys. 

-

*at 3am*  

Felix, holding the vlogging camera: *runs into Changbin’s room and turns on the light* Wake up sleepyhead!  

Changbin: *wakes up* Dude!  

Felix: *cackles*  

Kai: *sits up from where they were sleeping behind Changbin* What the fuck, Felix?  

Felix: *jaw drops* Wait WHAT- 

-

Kai: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges. 

-

Changbin: Stay foxy.  

Han: Die lonely. 

-

Kai: How many children do you have?  

Chan: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference. 

-

Chan: Hey, Changbin? Can I get some dating advice?  

Changbin: Just because I'm with Kai doesn't mean I know how I did it. 

-

Kai: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already. “Cowards” on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic. 

-

Kai: Hey guys, I’m making french toast sticks in the oven. I’m gonna take a quick nap, so wake me up in 5 minutes to flip them over.  

*5 minutes later*  

Jeongin: Kai it’s been 5 minutes, time to flip your sticks.  

Kai: snnnzzzz...  

Jeongin:  KAI YOUR STICKS! 

-

Han: Life is like Kai. It's short. 

[jovialtorchlight]

The Nokia Phone Underneath the Bleachers

In 2004, I slipped out of the pocket of Ian Thomas’ denim JNCO jorts and fell into the darkness deep beneath the gym bleachers at Cumberland Hills Middle School. ( For the record, Ian’s jorts had a bulldog patch on the back pocket. They were sick.) For Ian, the consequences of my neglectful disappearance were fleeting; he had to wash his dad’s car and couldn’t play Halo for a weekend.

Me? I faced a solitary prison. My battery stayed alive for a month, and everytime someone called Ian, “Come Out and Play” by the Offspring rang out in the cavernous purgatory. My neighbors? A crumpled up Gogurt wrapper. Dust. A desiccated Cheeto. A clove cigarette that fell out of Ryan Ashbin’s pocket in 2006; crumpled up detention slips; later, an influx of Silly Bandz. Livestrong Bracelets. For nineteen years, I could smell only buttsweat and Axe; in 2007, a gym sock fell a few inches from me and I prayed for the vicious odor to be fumigated.

The massive quaking and reverberations from pep rallys ; the secret conversations. Usher on loop during school dances.

I have been a silent witness.

A witness to conversations soaked in the melodrama of existing, for a moment, as a thirteen year old. To them, it felt like forever, like it was everything. But I saw them pulled away by time, out of the school, away and into the world. A collection of tiny moments, faded into the ether, that at one time, to some kid, mattered more than anything else.

Vince Garcia scrambling up the bleachers, tears in his eyes, huddled at the top corner, hyperventilating. Mr. Bennet following shortly behind him, his massive body creaking up the bleachers, gently coaxing Vince to come back to class.

“It’s my dad,” Vince croaked. “He’s dying.”

Rosie Blair admitting to her best friend that she cut herself. Tom Gatlin coming out to his best friend. Macie Howard breaking up with Danny Evans and dating Howie Grant and then getting back together with Danny and Danny’s ex-Tracey Young jumping Macie and pulling her hair. A debate that almost devolved into a fistfight over whether Bigfoot existed in San Andreas.

I have seen the years pass by through the cracks in the bleachers. On a cold December afternoon in 2023, light permeated the darkness. A hand grasped me, and pulled me out of the catacombs.

I guess I had it better than most old phones; discarded in a landfill, resting beneath piles of junk in a drawer. And I don’t know where I am going.

Phones today are fragile, glassy, imperceptible to me. I cannot fathom what they can do. I don’t think I’ll be returning to the workforce.

Maybe I’ll write a book? Maybe they’ll run me over with a truck and film it, just to see how indestructible I really am.

But when September rolls around, and the nervous sixth graders fill the gym, waiting for orientation, I won’t be underneath the bleachers.

My tomb has been unsealed.

[kiwisfics]

Incorrect Quotes

A/N - Just some fun stuff lol

Alfred: Attention everyone who doesn’t live here: we will be closing in five minutes. If you are present in the mansion after closing, you will be hunted for sport.

*The sound of all the adult Batfam minus Bruce scurrying for the door*

-

Bruce: Any questions?

*half of the room raises hands*

Bruce: …Any questions about the mission?

*Everyone raises hands*

Bruce: Why are there MORE hands now?

-

Bruce: Character flaws are important.

[Name]: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re gogurt tubes.

Jason: You WHAT?

-

Bruce: Could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?

[Name]: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Jason: Why were you microwaving a lemon?

[Name]: I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells. I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges. But I didn’t know where the pots were.

Dick: …Did you burn an orange too? How?

[Name]: …Microwave for 40 minutes.

-

Bruce: I really like this whole “good guy, bad guy” act you two have going on.

[Name]: It’s not an act. It’s just that Jason’s mean and I’m not.

-

Bruce: Name one thing-

[Name]: Rocks.

Jason: Yeah, that’s good. Mine was the ineradicably of hope despite the futility of effort.

[Name]: …Actually rocks is more than one thing…

-

Bruce: Okay, I have a box. We’re going to put everything we love inside this box.

Dick: Can I put [Name] in the box?

Bruce: No.

Jason: Can I put [Name] into the box?

Bruce: No.

Tim: Can I- 

Bruce: NO ONE IS PUTTING [NAME] IN THE BOX!

[incorrectdaedra]

please give a synopsis of carnival goldfish that's such an intriguing name. how does this relate to our prince of wishes?

Okay so

so

so

You're absolutely right, this is Vile. Vile the character AND vile the descriptor.

A common trope in family slice-of-life stories is for a small child to acquire, love, and accidentally kill a pet fish. The adults, not wanting to deal with the fallout, run frantically to the pet store to find a fish that vaguely resembles the one that passed before the kid even notices it's dead in a story that can only be funny because fish are considered too insignificant to mourn.

Carnival Goldfish is a disturbingly light-hearted story about what I think would happen if Clavicus Vile took a mortal lover. Vile gets overly excited and forgets that mortals are delicate creatures, he kills it, whines to Barbas that it's been sleeping for too long, and Barbas rushes to the mortal plane to find a replacement before Vile realizes what he's done. Mortals all kinda look the same anyways, it shouldn't be hard.

So, yeah! That's the basic gist. As fun as it is to read mortal x daedra romances, I don't think any daedric prince could really love a mortal as an equal (except maybe Sheogorath, since he's crazy). I do know plot point by plot point what happens in this story, but I haven't moved past the outline yet because I haven't come up with OCs to be the lover and the replacement yet. I don't experience romantic attraction and I don't write many OCs, so this is just generally pretty alien to me I guess? Anyways, I hope I can make this concept into a story that keeps people up at night. Thanks for the asks, guys :3 :3

@ego-osbourne @gergoats-gogurt

[prettyboykatsuki]

you are back! and hopefully refreshed to hear me gasp at the concept of baby daddy oliver. i am wailing like a town crier at the visions spiralling in my mind’s eye……he is SO babydaddy shaped it’s a bit concerning.

even if you are both diametrically opposed about the state of your relationship bc he’s terrible (overbearing), he would go to the ends of the earth for your kid never doubt that.

him holding a chunky baby wearing a mini jersey?? SEDATE ME PLEASE. i think the coparenting would be where you both hit your stride together pushing through teething and sleepless nights and endless research abt if (insert thing here) is typical for your kid. it’s not a traditional situation or even initially remotely normal but you both can depend on each other to see it through and your kid absolutely feels that care bc ur both good parents doing the best they can.

that being said though he absolutely needs to work on not cussing in front of the baby (set up a swear jar) and not eating the snacks?? i can see how the bastard could inhale the applesauce, gogurt tubes and dinosaur nuggets like a vaccuum lmao

so so happy ur back. (i saw that u want to read more this year so i recommend sampling “legends and lattes”. a comfort fantasy read w/ low-ish mystery stakes and the coziest vibe. idk if it’s what you’d usually go for but it wasnt what i go for either yet felt rlly charmed after giving it a try!)

he is so fkjdhgdjfkfd. GODDD THESE ARE MAKING ME INSANE... THE LITTLE JERSEY

the problem is that i really from the bottom of my wretched heart thing that man is a GOOD father. not an okay or average one but a GOOODD DAD. and i think the whole coparenting thing goes so well with him in all the ways you describe like he is so Present and so There. and you have so much time together

he takes your kid on daytrips and goes with you to the park and he works even harder to train to give your kid a life. and you know you're right it is not traditional at all!!!! but it works so well and i do think thats the reason you end up falling for him

in my. in my Mind. the reason there's this like bump where you have some resentment about him and some gripes w him because he proves himself capable of being committed and devoted and that's like the main conflict of the romance element and it . it is cooking me half to death

ALSO HIM EATING THE SNACKS FJKHSKDJJKFD. hes so real for that... those little yogurt puffs for babies are DELICIOUS

(thank you for the book recc!!!! i am open to everything so i will give it a peep!!!)

[andrea-lyn]

@kaydeefalls is the loveliest ever for tagging me in this meme, bc it's an absolute fave, so ty ty!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

494, which definitely excludes some early career stuff I do not share. Yes, it's a lot, but hey, that's hyperfixation for you!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

3,646,862, which means 4mil is the next big target, and knowing me, I'll get there.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently, my WIP folder touches the following fandoms: The Old Guard, Avatar the Last Airbender, XMFC, Interview with the Vampire, Roswell New Mexico (I very much want to write more Roy/Jamie, but just kicking around ideas rn).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ready for my close up, mr. dameron (Poe/Finn), aka @swingsetindecember baited me with gogurt and I wrote a fic, and the gogurt is unique, but the baiting is not (see: my entire Mag7 oeuvre)

how to fall in love with a fairytale  (Poe/Finn), aka, I got into the Star Wars fandom at the right time

what a tale my thoughts could tell (Joe/Nicky), aka, I got into the Old Guard fandom at the right time and mind-reading does well

Your Hand In Mine (Poe/Finn), aka, see above

hallelujah, you're still mine (Joe/Nicky), also above

The next couple are still Old Guard/Star Wars, but this year a few newbies have crept into the top page, including Ted Lasso and IWTV, which is very exciting to me!

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, always, I am a slut for positive reinforcement and I want to give thanks for that.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Every once in a while I like to write something that guts me to write and makes me cry. Anyway, The Time Traveling Pilot technically has a bittersweet and happy ending, except it's also super angsty? Love the ouroboros of it all!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

....take your pick. With minimal exceptions, I'm a happy ending girlie by trade.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I had a run in Roswell New Mexico where I had to turn off guests because I was getting some really random, but vicious comments and I knew why, but it was still exhausting.

9. Do you write smut?

I've noticed as I get older, I've stopped as much, mostly because the tone doesn't seem to match what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I'll still include it, but it's usually more in passing than focused.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Hell yes, and I miss them, I need to write more.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, and my biggest piece of advice for any writer is to have an open policy for transformative works on your AO3, because that's how you get awesome translations and podfics!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Yes, and I love this too, and would love to do more of it. Honestly, sometimes I think that's the only way I'll ever finish the original novel ideas I have.

14. What is your all time favorite ship?

I feel like I don't have all-time faves, but I will say that there are some ships that stick with me even after years and I'll go back to them. Right now, I'd say those two that have longevity are Ronan/Adam, and Kirk/McCoy. Obviously then there are current obsessions like Armand/Daniel and Sokka/Zuko, but those first two just stick.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

There's only one. Literally, only ONE. I will probably never finish even though there's only a chapter left. It's a modern day Pride & Prejudice AU. It is literally the only fic I've ever abandoned after I started posting (pretty sure it's still on ff.net) and honestly, the only reason I'm not going back to it is because my style has changed too much.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Engaging plot, or so I like to think. I feel like I tend to have fun unique takes on things.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Not describing shit enough. I do a lot of vague things on purpose sometimes because it fits the mood, and sometimes because I'm just too lazy about my prose.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language during a fic?

So I used to. And then I realized that it's too much work to scroll or highlight, so now I'll just write in italics and denote the language in the prose after.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog or Charmed - I can't remember which came first, but my username comes from the Mary Sues I wrote in both of those fandoms, bc I decided that I might as well own it. And here we are.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

It's always a flip-flop between my Webgott (Love Like The Sea) and this one, Baby, I'm Howling For You (my McDanno supernatural big bang). The latter is probably winning right now because I re-read it the other day and I miss world-building like that, so I'm dying to get back to it.

TAGGING TIME! I'm hitting up @myrmidryad @inell @atthelamppost @graygiantess and anyone else who wants to ramble about fics!

[martsonmars]

Hello friends! Another Wednesday is here.

I'm going home for the holidays today. I really don't want to, but hopefully it won't be terrible!

I started a new WIP yesterday, is anyone surprised? I thought I could finish it quickly but I've already lost steam soooo who knows.

Here's a snippet:

“How do you feel?” he asks, and immediately wants to kick himself. What a question, Basilton. Even in the best of moments, it's the last thing people want to be asked. (Unless they're narcissists. Or masochists. Or simply well adjusted people who don't panic when they have to answer an innocent how are you?)

Simon attempts one of his idiotic grins. It looks wrong on a face that's mostly swollen bruises and bandages. “Fucking peachy,” he says, and Basil has to fight a smile. He can't smile. Simon can't joke about this. He can't. Not when—

“I thought you were dead,” Basil says. He chokes a bit on it. His throat feels dry. (When was the last time he's drunk anything?) I thought I'd lost you, he wants to add, but his mouth doesn't comply.

This fic is supposed to be Comfort No Hurt, because all the hurt already happened. (So yeah there's a bit of hurt anyway. Oh well!) It's an AU, kind of a rivals to lovers thing but at this point they're “friends”. Hopefully I'll continue it soon.

I have nothing to share from The Vampire and the Boy in the Tower, but there's a big chapter planned for today if I can finish writing it on the train later 🥰 I also want to pick up Like We Had A Clue again, try to post at least one more chapter before Christmas (also because I realised that the last chapter is going to be shorter than I thought and it's mostly written already, so I only have two big chapters to write! I can do this!)

Ok time to get ready because I have to do a thousand things today. Tags under the cut <3

@wellbelesbian @urban-sith @tea-brigade @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @facewithoutheart @palimpsessed @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @forabeatofadrum @johnwgrey @fatalfangirl @prettylightsbigcity @whatevertheweather @jbrrring @confused-bi-queer @moodandmist @bookish-bogwitch @letraspal @dragoneggos @captain-aralias @takitalks @excalisbury @otherworldsivelivedin @cutestkilla @ileadacharmedlife @gekkoinapeartree @bazzybelle @stardustasincocaine @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @angelsfalling16 @basiltonbutliketheherb @messofthejess @ivelovedhimthroughworse @nightimedreamersworld @artsyunderstudy @foolofabookwyrm-activated @ionlydrinkhotwater @yellobb @orange-peony @ic3-que3n @whogaveyoupermission @katmiscellanious @yeonjunenby @erzbethluna @larkral @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @shrek-gogurt @raenestee @onepintobean

[cowboywithacunt]

wait tell me everything about the ovi toy i have no idea how they work... do you just like put the eggs into the tunnel and squeeze them into you like a gogurt or like what i need to KNOW

I think there's a few different ways they're made, mine has a hollow dildo that you put the eggs into (it can fit about 3 of the ones it came with at once) and then a squeezy pump that pushes the eggs out. I'm sure you could also just squeeze them out by grabbing the toy too

[junoinferno]

If Y/N Fic Was Realistic, Dave York Edition

Dave York: Y/N, I have something to tell you.

Y/N: What is it, honey?

Dave York: I’m a freelance contract killer.

Y/N: I don’t understand.

Dave York: (sighs) I just got sick of it, going out and killing people for the government with an increasingly murky foreign policy, because some politician said to-

Y/N: No, that checks.

Dave: It does?

Y/N: What I don’t get is why if you’re doing murder for hire, why do we have these stupid cheap vertical blinds on this door?!

Dave: Huh?

Y/N: I’ve pulled off like three of those by accident in the past month. They probably came with the house-

Dave: I-

Y/N: And when I said I wanted the Alexa fridge why was that too much money?

Dave: We don’t need an Alexa fridge-

Y/N: We need a new fridge anyway! It shows you what’s inside without opening the door-

Dave: Just open the door-

Y/N: Do you know how long your children stand with the door open because they can’t find the Gogurt even though it’s in the same place it has always been?

Dave: Fine! Get the Alexa fridge!

Y/N: Thank you. Finally!

Dave: You’re sure you don’t have any questions about… my work?

Y/N: Uh, United States foreign policy is stupid? Nope. Got it. I’ve seen Narcos.

Dave: Oh, my God, are you rewatching that again?!

Y/N: I’m just saying you could try growing some facial hair.

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

thank u @hushed-chorus​ for the early morning tag! and thanks to everyone who’s been tagging me lately. I promise I’ve been meaning to check your stuff (I have more than 30 tabs opened in my phone, and they’re all ao3 fic haha) (I’m especially looking at you @hushed-chorus – everything about your new fic looks incredibly appealing to me) 

I’ve been consumed by the spirit of COC, an event I said I wasn’t going to participate despite being my first year because I Had No Ideas. I’ve written for more than 11 prompts now. I’ve been having fun. I’ve been experiencing the agonies. At no point do I have any idea of what I’m doing. I have an idea for ritual that could also work for beginnings. It would fill the Jane Austen prompt from the CO prompts blog. I’ve already Written Things. I’m not sure I can pull it off. It’s the first thing in the whole event that has me thinking “maybe this one stays in the drafts.” 

I’m sharing an excerpt from the fic where Simon comes out of a book. It’s from the chapter I just uploaded – I wrote it for the match prompt and I’m absolutely winging it. What’s going to happen next? Who knows!! Certainly not me!!

“Are you crazy?”

“You wanted to know if my magic still works,” he answers. His cheeks are red—Baz is still holding him.

“I have an idea,” Baz says, sounding strained. “Let’s test this in a way where failure won’t result in your death. How about that?”

Simon, the absolute fucker, has the gall to look like he actually needs to consider this. After what feels like a century, he nods. “Okay,” he sounds oddly breathless.

tagging @ionlydrinkhotwater @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @bookish-bogwitch @shrek-gogurt @thewholelemon @whogaveyoupermission @artsyunderstudy @carryonsimoncarryonbaz @raenestee @erzbethluna @johnwgrey @ivelovedhimthroughworse

[kn-1013]

Childhood Crushes

Rating: T Ships: Reigen Arataka/Serizawa Katsuya, can be read as platonic or romantic Words: 655 AO3: NormalCaptive

Summary: Reigen and Serizawa talk childhood crushes.

Notes: A Serizawa-focused character study. I kind of wish this one were longer, but oh well. It's more than Terry Pratchett wrote in a single day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So," Reigen said, catching Serizawa's attention. "Who was it for you?" 

They were both at a relatively empty and quiet ramen restaurant after a long day's work. Mob wasn't there for work that day, so it was just the two of them. Reigen had something that looked quite fancy and delicious, with extra pieces of pork added to the soup, whereas Serizawa tried to go for something closer to the instant noodles he was so used to eating, something simple. 

"What do you mean?" Serizawa said, mouth quite full of noodles. 

"Well, everyone has childhood crushes, right?" Reigen said, taking another bite. Serizawa shrugged. "I s'pose so." "Well, when you're some flavor of gay, you often don't know that, and something has to slap you in the face with it for you to get it. At least, that's how it happened for me." Serizawa hummed. "Usually, it's celebrities, too. For me? That American guy, Harrison Ford." Serizawa blinked. "From Indianna Jones?" Reigen nodded. "All those posters of him and the movie covers with his broad chest out in the open, ugh." Reigen snickered. "I don't know how my parents didn't know, like immediately. I had him all over my room." 

Serizawa raised a brow. "Poster over the bed?" Reigen nodded solemnly. "Poster over the bed." 

Serizawa gave a small chuckle. 

"See, I had crushes on mostly female characters, like Lara Croft--" "Tomb Raider." "--Yeah, Tomb Raider. Lara Croft in all her polygonal glory." Serizawa chuckled and took another bite of his food. "But what really changed things for me was Metal Gear Solid 2." "The only thing I know about Metal Gear Solid is that guy is called Solid Snake, for some reason." Reigen laughed. "It's Kojima, he kind of just does that." Serizawa said. "The character's real name is David, but something-something snakes are stealthy." He chuckled.

"But anyway, in Metal Gear Solid 2, there's a character called Vamp who is bisexual. That's what introduced the concept to me. I did more digging wherever I could on the early 2000s internet, learned what the term meant, and, well, that's when things started making sense. And then, for years, I had a crush on him." Serizawa took another bite, reminiscing a bit. "Though, he was a more minor character. I don't think there were any posters with just him on them. Or, if there were, I didn't have them." 

"This is why you should've had a gay crush on a popular character, so you could kiss the poster goodnight." Reigen said, very matter-of-fact. 

Serizawa almost choked. "Did you-?" Reigen snickered. "You know, I can't say." "Oh my god." 

Serizawa pointed his chopsticks loosely toward Reigen. "You're a hot mess, you know that?" Reigen laughed. "Haven't heard that one before!" He said sarcastically. 

"At least my guy wasn't a vampire named Vamp, and drinking people like Gogurts!" 

"Okay--No, he's not called Vamp because he drinks blood, according to the dialogue, he's a vampire because he's bisexual." Reigen almost spit out his food in confused laughter. "What? How does that make sense!" Serizawa threw his hands up. "I'm just as confused as you are! I don't think anyone actually knows what the hell that line meant." 

Right then, Serizawa had realized that for the first time, he had a friend right in front of him. Not online, right there. Someone who was actually interested in what he had to say, who was engaging with him. He cared about his online friends, but he had forgotten what it was like to be around another person. That friends online couldn't alone be a replacement for in-person connection, at least not for him. This was someone who he could reach out and touch, someone real. 

Someone whose genuine smile didn't show often, but when it did, it lit up his world. Someone who showed him to be confident, someone who believed in him. 

He could get used to this. 

[rebloggingoriginalcontent]

[Image descriptions in order: screenshots of tumblr posts, which say:

phoneticmeow: I love when my boyfriend showers at my house cause I get to lean against the door and hear him quietly scream

phoneticmeow (all capitals): NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HES A METAL VOCALIST HE PRACTICES IN THW SHOWER I DO NOT TORTURE MY BOYFRIEND]

[initiala: Killed ANOTHER FREAKING CANADIAN SOLDIER. How do they keep getting into my house?! Stop!!

initiala: It occurs to me that people might not know that this is another name for a mayfly. I am not being infiltrated by humans from Canada.]

[Discord messages, which say:

guilty ghoul: move to nyc. eat balls all day

guilty ghoul: BAGELS (not sent)

real krispies:🤨

real krispies: ?

guilty ghoul: BAGELS.

guilty ghoul: DISCORD ISN'T SENDING MY MESSAGES HELP

{doey ! and real krispies are typing...}]

[Tumblr post:

kratt09: people who don't wear glasses are so weird like you just wake up and your eyes are pussy fresh??

kratt09: thats not the word I meant to use]

[A Reddit post on r/Montessori titled "How to put a baby down". The first line of the post says "Edit: I MEANT HOW TO PUT HIM TO SLEEP 🙈"]

[Tumblr anonymous ask: being mailed is enrichment for us girls

predstrogen answered: good girls get USPS and bad girls get fedex to dump them in a ditch

predstrogen reblogs with a screenshot of another anonymous ask, which says "MAULED fuck"

Below, predstrogen says:

GET IN THE ENVELOPE.]

[Tumblr post by dishsaop which says: the worst part about being an adult is thay its no longer socially acceptable to just roll down a really big hill and then run back up it and roll back down again. "oh is this a syphilis metaphor" passerby would ask. "is this for a tick tock". no i just wanna come home covered in dirt and scratches and bask in the the solace of childlike mirth

dishsaop reblogs with a screenshot of discord massages, which say:

Unknown: Saf

Unknown: was that a comedic mixup of sisyphus and syphilis

dishesoap: what

dishesoap: wait

/End of discord conversation

The tumblr post beneath the messages says, in all capitals: SISYPHUS. FUCKING AUTOCORRECT.]

[Tumblr post by dartagnanromance:

fuck algebra i don't need it just give me a dead body and i'll figure it out from there

dartagnanromance:

i feel i should clarify i am a mortuary science major]

[cuuno-moved: sonic the lesbian is a hedgehog

cuuno-moved: wait i fucked it up.

cuuno-moved: guys stop reblogging this.]

[infectiouspiss: they should invent joints that don't hurt

infectiouspiss: {Attached is a screenshot of two comments by pissditchingz which say: how tf are you smoking them that it hurts

Oh shit do you mean like bones}]

[Anonymous ask: so, like, what do you think about chihuahuas???

actuallycuteanimals answered: They are a lovely and very underrated fish

actuallycuteanimals, in toggle case: wAIT

DOG.

I MEANT DOG]

[conzoop: roommate reminded me how good Hole is

conzoop:

the band the band the band the grunge band with frontwoman Courtney Love the BAND THE BAND THE BANDTHE BAND THE BAND TH]

[toskarin: the oedipal task of doing the dishes

toskarin: SISYPHEQN SISYPHEAN]

[A screenshot of a tiktok. The top half is a worm's eye photo of the sky with trees framing the edges, and the text "quote "I'm gonna be a vegetarian when i grow up!" Unquote".

The bottom half is a photo of a cemetery in the day, with the text "*works at a cemetery*"

Beneath the tiktok is a screenshot of the creator's comment, which says "GUYS I MENT VETERINARIAN, THE SUN WAS ON MY PHONE SO I COULD BARELY SEE 😭😭😭#autocorrect]

[A tumblr post with a photo of a squeeze tube of yogurt. Text on the side of the yogurt tube says "DING DONG, TEXAS IS A REAL PLACE. LOOK IT UP!"

Beneath the image, the OP says: So uuuuhhhh...got my daughter a yogurt this morning and learned something new.

issamomma: Guys I just realized they meant there's a city in Texas called Ding Dong. I thought the people at GoGurt were really like, "DING DONG! WAKE UP SHEEPLE. BIG GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW. TEXAS IS REAL. LOOK IT UP. GET THIS TO THE PEOPLE." Like some big exec at Yoplait is ready to lose his life over exposing a national secret through the medium of childrens' yogurt snack tubes.]

[An anonymous ask: You won't believe your eyes, Ten thousand naked guys

girlfoxcock answered: that means... twenty thousand cocks...

girlfoxcock: I made a miscalculation.]

[anarcho-skamunist: quacking in my boobs over this

anarcho-skamunist: QUAKING

anarcho-skamunist: BOOTS. FUCKER]

[emeraldwhale: Fermenting in a butch honoring way

emeraldwhale: I MEANT FEMME NOT FERMENTING

emeraldwhale: @ dramaticromantic

{Attached is a screenshot of a comment by dramaticromantic which says: Call that kombutcha}

STOP BEING FUNNIER THAN ME ON MY OWN POST]

[A tumblr post of a screenshot of a live tweet by @/AP "The Associated Press" (golden verification), which says "Michelle Yeoh and Angela Bassett locked in a long embrace, their bare, muscle-bound arms wrapped around each other."

The tumblr poster says: I am sitting and listening

homoqueerjewhobbit reblogs saying: Gotta include the follow-up: {a tweet by The Associated Press, which says: The AP has deleted a previous tweet about the Oscars after party because it contained awkward wording and lacked context.}]

[doubleca5t: my gf just said "I'm drawing rainbow dash" and then after a long pause, "NOT sexily!!!"]

[yellowsuggestion: My aesthetic: when you take off your glasses on a highway and all the lights go soft and smudged, a trail of amber behind you like a quiet afterthought

A comment by yellowsuggestion which says in all capitals: YALL IM IN THE PASSENGER SEAT]

[jasontoddsguns: Ryan Reynolds milking Hugh Jackman for all he's worth will never not be funny.

jasontoddsguns: ITS AN EXPRESSION, ITS A FUCKING EXPRESSION]

[c3rvida3: Doctor said I only have to do four hours of therapy a week instead of seven. I am the pina colada of mental health.

c3rvida3: I meant to say "pinnacle", not "pina colada". The telephone is a cruel mistress. I am so healthy, still.]

[A tweet by @/ryvnlovve "Ryan Lowe" which says "Anne Hathaway for Elle France, June 2022"

@/hotpriestt "Girl with no problems" replies, "every tweet about anne hathaway going viral like police didn't find human remains and evidence of cannibalism in her LA home that she sold in 2013😭"

hotpriestt later tweets, "hey guys forgot to take my prozac yesterday and one of the withdrawal symptoms is hallucinations so yea"

hotpriestt tweets again, "apparently hallucinations aren't part of withdrawing wow im never buying prozac off facebook marketplace again".]

[0111010001110010011000010111000 asked: what if we both shot out our autism beams to destroy the city from opposing ends 🤔 and they accidentally clashed 😳 !!

girlballs answered: whoa I'd feel bad for everyone caught in the splash radius

girlballs: blast radius. i meant blast radius]

[solarsyrup: one of my favorite story elements is "character way past their prime can still absolutely wreck you, leaving you to wonder just how powerful they used to be"

sdwolfpup: {A screenshot of a tag which says #OH YOU MEANT IN A FIGHT}]

[piromantic: *travels to the other side of the country* whoa i've never seen these biomes bef

post cancelled i forgot biome was a real term and not just a minecraft word]

[A tweet by @/CraigEvil "funkle" which says "I had an insane dream last night where i shot some guy in the chest in broad daylight and the coroner came and measured his penis at the crime scene and the cops let me go because it was less than 4 inches"

A tumblr reblog by mevil which is a screenshot of two tweets by "throwing absolute haymakers tow..." which say, "we get no rights"

"i mean they get no rights".]

Post corrections/clarifications are my favorite genre of humor: a compilation

[pinkvanessastar13]

so I went into the Incorrect quote generator with these 2

Emily: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to contact the faculty and the department.” Emily: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing. Emily: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!?!?!

Kanya: Fight me! Matthew: Ha, look at your size! What are you gonna do, kick my ankle? Later Maddie: Why is Matthew crying? Magician Rabbid: Kanya kicked them really hard on the ankle.

Kayden: Remain CALM! *slaps Kanya multiple times*

Matthew: Where’s Kanya? Emily: Doing stuff. Matthew: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s Kayden? Emily: Trying to stop Kanya from doing the stuff. Matthew: And Lexie? Emily: Trying to stop Kayden from stopping Kanya from doing the stuff. Matthew: I see. And what are you doing here, Emily? Emily: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Lexie from stopping Kayden from stopping Kanya from doing the stuff.

Matthew: Don’t stay up all night, Maddie. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt.

Kanya, rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette. Matthew: But Kanya, we don't smoke. Kanya: Cut the crap, Matthew. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke. Kanya: points at Kayden One! points at Magician Rabbid Two! points at Emily Three! points at Lexie Four! points at Matthew Five! Kanya: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers! Kayden: puts a cigarrette in Kanya's hand Kanya: Thank you. …Light? The Squad: all simultaneously pull out lighters

Kayden: CHARACTER. FLAWS. ARE. FUCKING. IMPORTANT. Kanya: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re gogurt tubes.

Emily: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”. Matthew: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD?? Emily: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER! Kanya: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER???? Maddie: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

Kanya: My stomach growled super loud in French. Kanya: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. Emily: Bonjour. Lexie: Le growl. Maddie: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

Kayden and Emily enter a dive bar Kayden: Look, I know you’re disappointed but could we at least have a drink. Emily, in a scuba diving suit: I would like leave, please.

Emily: Time for plan G. Maddie: Don’t you mean plan B? Emily: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties. Kayden: What about plan D? Emily: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Matthew: What about plan E? Emily: I’m hoping not to use it. Lexie dies in plan E. Lexie: I like plan E.

Magician Rabbid: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE! Lexie: Climbing THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!!

Magician Rabbid: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl…. Maddie: …. Lexie: ….. Emily: …… Kanya: ..Who? Magician Rabbid: That's the thing we don't- Everyone stares at Kanya

Matthew: Uh, Lexie? Maddie is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof. Lexie: What? Emily: I think they meant, Maddie is drowning. Lexie: WHAT?! Meanwhile Maddie: is drowning Kayden: OH MY GOD, MADDIE! KEEP SWIMMING! Maddie: I can't swim, dumbass— sinks Kayden: MADDIE!

@superjwtheartist

[the-scrappy-stinger]

Okay, where'd we leave off...

It's a tiny little train stop in rural Japan, and the boy's back in town.

In flower print. This is Goto, and his dad owned an eatery before he died. Now the place gets no customers and they can't sell their train lunches.

And you know who Goto blames?

Capitalism!

To be fair, that's pretty much always the root of the problem- anyway, Goto's gonna sell the place when the train station closes and open an izakaya in the city with the money. His mom called KitKat, who tells her that her cooking is shit.

He says they started under-seasoning them since they always wound up eating the leftovers, they dropped half the side dishes, and just in general kind of gave up on making it taste good. He won't even take their money, big shock.

Then the station master guy comes up and asks KitKat to do it, and KitKat more or less tells him that the shop won't succeed because there's no boss at the top making sure it's run well... and insists that shop boss be Goto.

You know, he could have just trained the women to do it, but nooo...

So Goto and KitKat both overhear some pleb dissing the food at the local inn, so they get into a cooking battle to see who has the BEST TOFU EVER. Goto makes a SPREAD.

KitKat makes a Jenga tower.

KitKat says it's inspired by the ruins of the castle on the border of the city, and how its big stones lie all toppled since the castle was sieged. Just like the FLAVORS OF HIS FATHER'S BENTO, it provides a strong foundation of yadda yadda macho macho, Goto's gonna get trained by KitKat and not the ladies who have been running the kitchen for the past 15 goddamn years. So Goto-

... Gota is gonna train with KitKat.

... with his mom's money.

So begins the training.

So Kitkat throws him off a mountain.

This is his training. Parachute... until be good at drawing. SO he can draw bentos.

So like all drawings, the first draft doesn't pass. KitKat says they aren't aggressive enough. So GoGurt takes a walk around the castle at night and decides BEEEG.

All I can think is "how you gonna fit that in a backpack and bring it home" but what do I know... KitKat is basically like "You did exactly what I wanted you to do!" and he already has a new box designed and ready.

And so KitKat saves the flavor of GoGurt's dad's bento shop by... completely changing the bento and renaming it and also putting it in a new box that he designed. And then booked a deal with a supermarket chain to mass-distribute them.

... yay capitalism?

The local train station closes, even though the bentos are sellin' pretty great. But by the time the station shuts down, the bentos have made a name for the shop, so GoGurt gets to... at least have a good relationship with his mom now, I guess?

Arc length: 7 issues