#how am i suppose to heal my inner child when seeing a reminder of that time makes me feel like im dying all over again?

[mothusband]

don't know how a picture of a silly bear can make my evening go from fairly okay to me being absolutely devastated so fast. i've been feeling a lot of complicated things about childhood lately but this is just. yikes.

[phddyke]

Hazbin Hotel is actually healing my inner ex-Christian so hard.

No joke, I nearly started cheering when Lute called Charlie and Vaggie’s love “vile and blasphemous” (and then burst out laughing when Adam immediately followed it up with “Hot as fuck though”). I know that may sound weird considering that I am, in fact, a lesbian, but here me out:

Seeing Christians being explicitly homophobic onscreen? It validates me. It makes me think “Oh yeah, I’m not crazy, Christians are that hateful!” And, call me crazy, but I think homophobia being tied in with villainy is a good thing. Neither Adam or Lute are supposed to be good people; they are very obviously the villain, and that establishes their behavior as bad. Someone on Twitter said that Lute gave them religious fanatic vibes and I couldn’t agree more.

And here’s the thing, too: it’s explicit homophobia, not some dumb metaphor. There’s no way to take it as anything else. And I really need that. I need to see Christians being explicitly homophobic onscreen in the same way that other people need and create worlds where homophobia doesn’t exist.

But me? I want my pain and suffering acknowledged. I want the harm that Christianity does acknowledged. Homophobia is real and the religious kind doubly so. I related to Vaggie so much in that episode; I felt her trepidation about going back to Heaven. Felt like a good metaphor for escaping a fundamentalist church only to be forced to visit again.

And Viv is not afraid to explicitly point this out and criticize them. Like, yes! Say it! They are hypocrites! They don’t care about people being better, they only care about punishment! They maimed one of their own and left her to die because she spared a child! They’re homophobic freaks! They would never see the good that Angel does and how he’s improved and is wonderful, they only see that he’s a drug addict and a sex worker and think he’s worthless for that even though Jesus broke bread with sex workers and people considered the dregs of society. (And of course Angel is gay on top of that.)

And another thing: not only did the Adam line make me laugh, but the second homophobic Lute line about “he blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth” cracked me up too. It reminded me of the pilot where Katie Killjoy said “I don’t touch the gays” to Charlie, which is a line that made me laugh for 4+ years straight. When I told my brother that was the funniest homophobia I’d ever heard in media, he very wisely said, “All homophobia is funny if you think about it.” And you know what? He’s right. It is funny, because it’s so fundamentally goddamn stupid, so let’s give characters ridiculous lines so everyone can laugh at how idiotic they and their beliefs sound.

[trissaysmoi]

A christmas life update

It's been a while since I updated this blog. Employment has kept me busy. My new routine consisted of me waking up early in the morning to prepare and leaving three hours in advance so I wouldn't be late. When I go home in the evening, I'm too tired to do anything else. I change clothes, wash up, and go straight to bed.

That will change soon hopefully, as I finally was able to convince mom that I move into an apartment closer to the office. I told her that it's just going to be a temporary thing since I don't plan to work in the company for no longer a year.

I mean, the salary is great for an entry-level employee like me but it's just that I feel like I could be in a better role than that long-term wise. Also, because I'm planning to pursue something bigger in the next few years.

I'm going back to university to finish engineering and eventually become a licensed electronics engineer. I'm going to do it because I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting that I shifted my bachelor's degree and labelling myself as an engineering dropout.

I still feel like I just lacked the enough motivation to continue the program in 2021 because I already loved the program itself. Going back to this career path is going to be a very difficult change yet again but I'm willing to risk everything for that coveted title of becoming an engineer.

Anyway! Back to the present, my first few weeks at work consisted of trainings so that the company ensures that we're doing the right thing in our tasks. To this day, I'm still manifesting I finally get endorsed for live production (I almost got endorsed last week if I only reached the passing rate on my 5th day, but we move). But we're already getting paid since day one, so I don't mind continuing these trainings.

I received my first official paycheck as a full-time employee on the 21st and it feels so great me and my workmates are so happy that day. Few days later, I treated my mom ramen, and I bought a snoopy plushie as a remembrance and a Christmas present for myself. Now that's how you heal your inner child.

The main thing I realized when I started working is that my world has gone bigger than before. I thought about this one night while I was riding the shuttle service home and seeing all those enormous skyscrapers, warm light illuminating from its hundred glass windows.

I'm working in a place I never thought I would enter. I'm passing by roads and places I never thought I would conquer. And I just know this is just the beginning of all the great things I will do in my life in the next years to come.

It also made me look back on the things I went through before getting this job and how far I instantly come. It's really a solid reminder to just keep going no matter how tough things can be. And this is something I'm definitely going to bring when it's time for me to do the career shift I wanted.

Since it's the holidays, I don't have work yesterday and today. Me and my longtime friends had a spontaneous samgyupsal date yesterday and exchanged gifts. It was so fun.

Yesterday morning also was the 9th day of simbang gabi. I was able to complete all the days since last week and my heart is so happy. I did it for the first time in my life. It was a bit of a sacrifice waking up earlier than usual despite still having work during the day. For the whole week, my body is running in caffeine, and I had to take naps in every chance I get before and after work. But, I really really hope that these are going to be worth it. Like Lord, ibigay niyo na sa 'kin yung wish ko pls. 🥺 (yes i am That desperate)

My Christmas day has been peaceful. I lay in bed and rested all day; we don't have any visitors anyway. Me and mom are supposed to go out somewhere, but we called it off because of the storm.

From now on, my daily journal will turn into weekly updates instead because I don't think I can still be able to write entries when I get home lmao.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

please call me butters tw: rape mention, self doubt, self gaslighting? basically i have a hard time believing that i might have trauma. i feel like i'm forcing myself to feel that way. i'm not exactly sure how to put this into words so please bear with me on the confusing wording. today there was a mention of rape in my lecture & i instantly felt that i need to make myself uncomfortable & purposely bring up memories of my experience just because rape was mentioned and i was sa'd & just so i can feel sorry for myself. it doesn't feel like a natural reaction to be and i'm just somehow trying to convince myself that im somehow affected when there's a possibility i was never traumatized. i'm not sure how else i'm supposed to explain it.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and what you've been experiencing. It sounds like you may be dealing with a combination of rumination and self-triggering.

I relate to this so I'd like to share my experience and see if any of it resonates with you. For me, there's a part of myself who holds trauma from gaslighting and so to overcompensate, any reminder no matter how vaguely related compels me to think about my trauma. It's hard to shift gears out of it because when I try to do so, that part makes me feel like I am no better than those who have gaslit me and that I must "pay respects" to my traumatized child self. When I'm stuck in this sort of perpetual funeral, it's easy to trigger myself.

While for me the main reason is to pay respects to my child self, there are other reasons why people ruminate as well. In my expose, I wrote:

Part of it was to just try and make sense of it all, analyze it down to the finest detail, try to find a motive in the fabric of his shirt or the greed in his eyes. Trying to find myself. Trying to regress. Trying to give her justice by never forgetting what he did to her. Trying to mourn myself in a perpetual funeral. Trying to just hurt myself. Trying to overcome my triggers by constantly confronting them in hopes that one day I’ll just be numb, as if it’s a victory to be numb. Trying to prove to my inner gaslighter that it really was that bad, only to destroy my mental health in the process.

Because this is something I'm actively dealing with, I unfortunately don't really have any solutions for you. But I hope that explaining my experience with rumination and self-triggering can help shed some insight into what you're going through.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore both your trauma and how you cope with it, and guide you along your healing journey. If anyone would like to chime in with their experiences, or if they have any suggestions for managing this, please feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[brujaluas]

When I say you are pretty i mean it!!

The thing is you know..you are allowing yourself to win over your insecurities because somewhere you are intimidated my your fs because you think you don't deserve him..because of your own insecurities!! Honey he's your fs for a reason- He will love you regardless of what you think you look like but inorder for you to feel that you've to be willing to work on yourself too..i akmnot saying you don't but we can't expect someone else to remove an obstacle from our way.. we've to do it themselves!! In your case you even know who's the obstacle, your insecurities come from your life, past and how you've been told to feel about about yourself..but doesn't mean it's the truth!! You are a human being who's supposed to be like one, these girls we see on social media have insecurities and flaws too..and so does everyone else including me. I have suffered and still do from insecurities because I don't feel Beautiful but regardless of everything i am still me..i have my bad days too but it depends upon me how much i allow them to takeover me. Sit with yourself, talk to yourself and understand yourself because bae before someone else do you need to do it yourself. Trust me when I say you deserve him, you deserve love, care and being called "beautiful" "pretty" and complimented. Take time with yourself, your inner child needs you, your teenage self do, you do so does your future self..!! Try to see where it's coming from and work on that part. Know that nothing is perfect. That hair of yours look so beautiful on you, those hair holds memories, that eyes have seen sm, that nose has smelled one of the most delicious food, and that mouth has spoken words that cheer everyone up.. with their work now it's time they do it for themselves and those lips would've ran through lots of minds and so will especially your fs's and that's beautiful because you deserve it. The words you use for yourself you are also telling that to your inner child, your childhood you, and every you... just think about it.

Be calm with yourself, your brain is enough to trick you need to control it, not it controlling you..hope you find healing and self-love 🤍🫂

Oh my love, thank you so much for your words. I hadn't thought about many of the things you wrote from that perspective, and believe me, I'm a person who thinks about every possible scenario. Thank you so much for taking the time to send this to me. I'll definitely save this text to read when I'm feeling worse (which unfortunately happens a lot due to outside interference). The problem is that I always end up getting carried away by what certain people say about me because I believe that what they say is true. It's something that really drains me. And the problem is that I feel like I no longer have the energy and strength to fight. I feel like I don't have the energy most of the time. I know I still have a lot to do about myself, because we're all here to evolve in something, but it's so exhausting, you know? I feel like I've been through long battles that didn't give me good results, I feel like a shell, but I'll try to get up like I always do. Thank you so much again, you're a very sweet soul who overflows with love, and you deserve that too. It also reminds me of Tove Lo - Moments, have you heard it? I think it's perfect.

[alj4890]

Delicate

(Olivia Nevarkis x Ethan Ramsey) in a Choices The Royal Romance/Open Heart Crossover crack series.

A/N This series will go back and forth with memories and to how things are progressing for Olivia and Ethan. We will also see how Drake reacts to everything. In this chapter, Olivia is getting ready for her first date with the doctor while thoughts of the past with her friends and parents accompany her.

@jooous​ @krsnlove​  @motorcitymademadame​ e I lost my tag list for this. If you want to be tagged, let me know. 😊

Masterlist

Part 1

Olivia's Apartment, Boston...

Wiping the fog off her mirror, Olivia paused to truly examine herself. She noticed the damp red curls, ivory skin blushing from her hot shower, and the expression on her face.

Am I...am I giddy?

She leaned in closer. Her green eyes were actually shining. Not from tears. Not flashing with anger. The cause was something different.

Ethan was responsible for this transformation.

In fact, now that she thought about it, this change had been gradually happening since she met him.

Is this why Liam and Riley were willing to do whatever it took to be together? Why Maxwell has more frequent flier miles than anyone else? Why Hana beams whenever Rashad is near? Why Amanda is willing to live part of the year away from Cordonia?

Could it be, love? No. Too soon. We've done nothing but discuss the new hospital.

Another stray thought creeped in as she dried her hair.

What about the coffee shop?

Those, well she wouldn't call them dates, agreed upon moments where the two of them escaped Edenbrook to talk over cups of coffee. Those not a date times had ended up being where they learned more about each other.

If she was brutally honest with herself, she would admit that she might have been more open with him than any other man she knew.

He somehow made it easy for her to share her past.

Perhaps it was because they had both been abandoned as children.

It was a form of abandonment, Olivia thought. My parents were willing to put their selfish reasons before their five year old daughter. They were willing to chance making me an orphan just so they could rule Cordonia. Whatever affection they held for me wasn't enough to make them stay.

And just like them, Ethan's mother had put her wants before her son.

The image of his face that day his mother was brought in the emergency room with a drug overdose came to mind.

Olivia knew that type of anguish. It could only come from a wound that never completely heals. It came from that broken trust in the very people who were supposed to love and care for you unconditionally.

It could only come from a parent walking away from their child.

After giving the case to another physician and needing a moment away from the situation, Ethan invited her out for coffee and told her about his mother.

When he struggled to get the words out of how he was when she first left, Olivia had done something she never did for someone outside her small inner circle.

She reached across their table and took his hand, then offered her understanding by sharing with him what her parents had done.

Those startlingly blue eyes of his had fixed upon her face. He didn't say a word to interrupt her.

He only held her hand.

They knew in that instant that they had found someone who could truly understand their resentment that fluctuated with a yearning for what should have been. Found someone who had worked just as hard to prove that they could survive without their parents. Found a person who didn't need explanations for the heartache they had suffered but tried to keep hidden.

Olivia had once thought Drake would understand and maybe he did. But, he had tried not to get into deep discussions with her. The few times she had attempted to talk to him, he had distracted her with a kiss or changed the subject.

Perhaps that was a sign that he couldn't feel anything more than sexual attraction for her.

Olivia shook her head at these thoughts and went to her closet. Her lips curved somewhat as she went through the many dresses Hana had insisted she bring along.

As she held a red dress that would most likely work for dinner and the opera that Ethan suggested they see this evening, she was reminded of the last conversation she had with Hana the night before she left Lythikos.

*****************

Lythikos, Cordonia, five months ago...

"You might have some nights where you will need a more formal dress." Hana went through Olivia's walk through closet. "I would at the very least pack three different gowns. If you need more, I can try and ship them or you could go shopping."

"I'm not going there to socialize." Olivia reminded her. "I'm going there specifically to convince them that Cordonia is where they should be."

"And what better way to do so than by making sure you look the part?" Hana asked.

"These are highly intelligent men." Olivia replied. "They are nothing like the foolish nobles we deal with on a daily basis." She eyed her closet filled with various gowns. "A dress will do little to sway them toward my mission."

Hana took a deep breath before hinting at another reason to take them. "Well, what if you are invited...out...and need something to wear?"

"Out?"

"Yes." Hana smiled at her. "What if someone asks you to dinner or something?"

Olivia blinked. "I...that's not...I have more important things to do than--"

"One never knows when love will strike." Hana chose two red and one black. "Look at me and Rashad. Who would have thought we would find each other after being forced together by Madeleine?"

"Well, it isn't that farfetched." Olivia muttered. "Everyone likes you."

"They like you too." Hana insisted. "You've changed these past few years."

"I have?"

Hana tilted her head as if in study. "You are still you, but you've," she seemed to search for the right word, "you've softened."

"What?" Olivia was highly offended by that observation. "Softened?!"

"It's a good thing!" Hana laughed at the expression on her friend's face. She then smiled at the fact that Olivia was truly a friend of hers now. "You are still formidable, just more approachable."

"I should have never joined in with you and Riley." Olivia grumbled.

"If you hadn't, then we wouldn't be building a hospital."

"We wouldn't?"

"I don't think the old Olivia would be worried about such a thing." Hana explained. "The old you seemed more concerned with herself and just Lythikos."

Olivia hesitated. This hospital was still coming about in the hopes of changing her reputation. It just so happened that it would benefit others as well.

She couldn't let Hana believe she was some sacrificial heroine that put others before herself.

"Hana, I do want this hospital for Cordonia, but I also hope it helps repair the damage my parents and Lucretia did."

She was surprised to see Hana's smile widen.

"And that's why your friends are going to do all we can to make it happen." Hana began to pick out various other outfits for the stunned duchess. "We want the people to see what we see in you."

***************

Later that night, Olivia paced her chambers. Her muscles seemed determined to remain tight, ready for battle. It seemed that they were unaware that this wouldn't be that type of fight.

Her mind replayed the conversation with Hana. Was this softening going to be a problem or would it help her with convincing Dr. Banerji and Dr. Ramsey to uproot their lives for this?

Knowing she wouldn't sleep until she got some type of answer, she decided to call someone who she usually depended on to listen to her few worries.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Amanda said in lieu of greeting.

"And hello to you too." Olivia muttered.

"You know that's a given." Amanda replied. "And I know that something is wrong for you to call when we are to see each other within a few hours."

"Your perceptiveness is still impressive." Olivia remarked. "Good to see marriage hasn't weakened it."

Amanda snorted in laughter. "Weakened? If anything, it only enhanced it." She sobered when she noticed that her friend was not at least chuckling. "What's wrong?"

"I have a question that I want nothing but a brutal honesty." Olivia said.

"Okay."

"Do you, do you think I have changed?"

"In what way?"

"My personality." Olivia huffed. "Do you think I have softened?"

She didn't know if it was a good thing or not that Amanda was not answering immediately.

"Yes, I think you have."

Olivia sat down, wondering how she had missed this transformation of herself. "Really?"

"I think we have all changed." Amanda added. "And why wouldn't we? After all we have gone through. You most especially."

"Why me more than the rest of you?"

"Liv," she could hear Amanda's smile, "think of how you were two years ago. You were only concerned with winning Liam."

"So were the other ladies." Olivia grumbled.

"Yes, but you didn't care about anything else." Amanda pointed out. "If it didn't directly affect your goal to being his queen, you gave it little thought. I think once Constantine's interference in both yours and Riley's chances with Liam occurred, you then realized that there were other things going on around you."

"You make me sound self absorbed."

"You were." Amanda's tone gentled. "Don't get me wrong, you have been there for me during my own difficulties over the years and I will always love you for it. Which might be why I excused your behavior during Liam's search for a bride. But, yes, you have definitely changed. You have always been loyal and steadfast, willing to do whatever was needed for those you care for. What's changed is that you have expanded on that. You are now willing to include those you used to not think much about."

Olivia sat down, wondering what kind of person she was now.

"What brought this on?" Amanda asked.

"Hana. She made an observation that I had softened." Olivia grimaced slightly. "Do you think this will affect our chances tomorrow?"

"Definitely." Amanda replied.

Olivia dropped her head in her hand. She couldn't believe she had managed to ruin this before ever having a chance to meet the renowned doctors.

"I think our chances of persuading them will be even better because of your softening." Amanda added.

"You do?" Olivia sat up straight.

"I do."

"Oh."

"Liv, get some sleep. We'll need you sharp to explain your mission." Amanda chuckled again. "Between your passion and ideas for this hospital, they won't be able to say no."

"I--" Olivia felt herself grin. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

"What time does your flight get in?" Olivia asked.

"I went ahead and left today."

"You did?" Olivia didn't bother to hide her surprise. "Did Thomas come with you?"

"No. I encouraged him to stay at home and finish his lecture notes."

"Nothing's wrong is there?" Olivia asked.

She knew first hand that the couple tried to travel together. This was something new.

"Everything's fine." Amanda explained. "I didn't want jet lag to somehow mess this up for you." She smiled at seeing her husband's name flash on her phone. "Thomas offered to come too, but I thought we would wait and see how the initial meeting goes."

"That is...thank you." Olivia simply said.

"You're welcome. Now, if you feel better, I will let you go and answer Thomas's call before he thinks I ran off with a doctor or something." Amanda teased.

"Nothing wrong with reminding him what he could lose." Olivia replied. "And I do feel better. I'm not sure I'm comfortable having softened, but at least it seems to be a good thing."

"It is." Amanda told her she would see her in the morning and ended the call.

Olivia made herself go back to bed. Having at least voiced some of her concerns, she was able to finally fall asleep.

*******************

Olivia's Apartment, Boston...

She finished applying lipstick, then stepped back to study her reflection.

A few quick turns were all that was needed to agree with Hana's choice.

Olivia brushed her red hair over her shoulder, then draped it over the other. Grimacing at being unable to make up her mind how to leave it down, she searched through the cabinets for one of her signature clips.

I'll just put it up, she thought.

The sound of the downstairs' door buzzer had her giving up her search.

Her nerves struck her stomach as she buzzed Ethan in.

Calm down. He's a man. Nothing special at all about him. Just because he is the first to finally treat you like a woman rather than some fearful automaton like the men back in Cordonia viewed you as, doesn't mean you should lose your head.

Needing something to do while he made his way up to the fifteenth floor, she tried to find something to straighten up.

Her apartment was sparse and too neat for what she needed. Straightening the already perfect set of suggestions and graphs on her desk that Rashad had sent her, she couldn't quite keep her excited smile from peeping out.

Deep breaths, she commanded. Remember that you have been out with men before. This is nothing special. Just a first date. 

She opened her door at his knock.

Ethan's eyes swept down, taking everything in of the fiery duchess.

She stood there nervously, wondering if she was wearing the right type of dress. Was her hair wrong? Should she have left it cascading down her right shoulder? Perhaps--

"You look beautiful, Olivia." He breathed.

Averting her gaze so he couldn't see how happy that made her, she still managed to give herself away with her smile.

"Thank you." She managed to say. "You--"

Seeing him dressed in a blue suit that should have detracted from his eyes, yet instead made them pop with their brightness, she felt the need to sigh in appreciation.

Good lord! I've turned into Riley! I would rather die than sigh over a man wearing clothes that compliment his eyes.

"You look handsome as well." She stepped back. "Please, come in."

Ethan's lips quirked over the blush rising up her face.

He then caused her to go speechless when he handed her a bouquet of red roses.

Her lips parted to speak, but all she could do was stare at the blooms.

"I don't know what your favorite flower is, but I thought you would at least like the color." He explained.

"I do." She lifted her eyes up to his face. "I always liked roses." A smirk formed on her lips. "Something beautiful that isn't afraid to hurt someone with their thorns if they try and cut them has my approval."

Ethan's deep laugh filled her apartment as she searched for something to put them in.

"I forgot about their fighting prowess." His eyes followed her take her bouquet to her bedroom. "Now I know which flowers to surprise you with next time."

She felt a warmth form in the pit of her stomach at his teasing.

Then she realized he was thinking on them having another date...before this one had a chance to begin.

He really does like me. It isn't just in my head. There is something between us after all.

She gathered her clutch and a light wrap on her way back to Ethan.

He took it from her and gently draped the red silk along her shoulders. His hands smoothed it down her arms, causing her to suppress a shiver of delight.

"Ready?" He murmured near her ear.

With a nod, she led the way out the door.

*****************

A dive bar, Cordonia...

"I thought I would find you here."

Drake glanced up before focusing once more on the cue ball.

Maxwell patiently waited on his friend to respond.

Dropping his head in frustration, Drake tossed the pool stick down.

"What is it?"

"I have to go to Los Angeles again." Maxwell explained. "And I could make an extra stop along the way." He paused, drumming up the courage to say where. "If you want to go with me, I could drop you off in Boston."

Drake's glass had stopped partway to his lips. He eyed the man he thought barely paid attention to anyone at balls and such.

How did he know?

Unwilling to admit to anything, Drake merely cocked an eyebrow.

"Why would I want to go there?" His lips quirked. "See the spot where the colonists dumped all the tea?"

Maxwell ordered a drink and pulled up a barstool. "I know it isn't easy, seeing someone who you thought you had something with to end up with someone else."

Drake choked on his drink. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about inaction to what is going on." Maxwell lowered his eyes. "To think you have all the time in the world to finally admit you do want more, just to end up as a guest at her wedding to some other man."

Drake's brow furrowed. "Did you and Nadia break up?"

"No." Maxwell tilted his glass, swirling the liquid around and around. "It doesn't matter now. The point is that I don't want to see you go through that." He took a swallow before standing up. "I leave the day after tomorrow. If you want to go and let Olivia know you've been miserable since she left, then meet me at the airport." He placed a hand on Drake's shoulder. "Don't make the mistake I did by giving another man a chance to sweep her off her feet."

Drake's lips parted to demand more of an explanation, only to see Maxwell walk out.

A part of him wanted to deny that Olivia was the reason he had withdrawn from everyone these past few months. The other part went through the chances that she would find anyone to put up with her strong personality.

It seemed more than likely that she would return single. He could then meet her on equal ground and pick up where they left off.

No reason at all to prostrate himself before her in Boston.

[archtroop]

So just binged Titans (2018) on Netflix and -

I want to say stuff. Lets start with the basics. I’m not a hardcore DC comics fan. I’m your occasional TV viewer who watched Teen Titans, and loved the Batman cartoons. I’m your ordinary Joe. That would mean, for me, this show is my introduction into these characters. I’m viewing these stories as manifestations of archetypes, I am not familiar with “classic” characterizations, or “the right way of this one to talk” and so on.

I enjoyed the show a lot. Like, I literally binged the whole two seasons in the expense of some very cherished sleep time. It sucked me in.

And I became very curious about the backgrounds of the characters, and I looked some of it up (fucked up stuff! good!) and I was interested in maybe some reviews or hardcore fans sating their... say.

And. Guys. Guys.

So much negativity? Over... it being too violent?... Too dark...? Too... new?

I watched this show right now with virgin eyes. And I have to say that, 

A. Dick Grayson of this Titans is the definition of “Dick Move”, and is literally trope co founder. And I love it. GO GRAY MORALITY GO. Also his introduction was. GOOD STUFF. I am rooting for this broken brain. His choices and inner struggles were very intriguing to watch, also his choices, morals and oh overall, a beautiful rendition of an adult, a grownup person that comes to terms with some very fucked up implicaitons.

B. For all the reviewers trashing Raven, calling her OOC and HotTopicRaven, guys, F U I loved her, I loved Teen Titans Raven as a kid, and this one is 16 and goddammit she is allowed to be emo and rock her style. And that she does. The “possession” thing she has is creepy cringe AWESOME STUFF. She rocks it, The actress ROCKS IT. Her whole journey was so engaging. TEAM RAVEN!

C. I was not familiar with Hawk and Dove, but I’m here rooting for them. Like full on SHIP THAT SHIP. I want them to be together, and I don’t care they broke my heart and then patched it up and I’m here for this couple.

D. Gar. OH PRECIOUS GAR, thanQ for righting the wrongs of decades of werepeople by transforming in and out while naked. I’m just so so grateful for this, but also, SO SO likable and the amount of empathy that was dragged out of me for the poor dude, I just want more screen time of him doing whatever he wants to do. I will literally watch an episode of Gar making various veggie shakes. I would. But also I want him to have more plot. Like, yesterday.

E. Kory/Starfire. Whoever trashes her costumes, go sleep on some legos. She rocks it, the actress rocks it, SHE ROCKS THAT RING ON HER LONG BEAUTIFUL FINGERS, and if anyone even dares to oink anything about her being black as apologetic, I say F U, she literally ABSORBS SUN POWER in this version, that melanin is rightfully hers. Also if you want to call me racist have fun, but I love the idea that genetics are applied with scientific purposes rather then, just, um, representation fodder launching pad. Fuck this shit, SHE IS THE SUN, GORGEOUS SUN. I love her discovery of self, maybe a hasty one. but damn poignant. I enjoyed her way of going around not remembering who she is. I root for her and her upcoming clash with her sister.

D. Donna. I kinda felt she will be in and then out and I didn’t really get attached to her BUT she was introduced as this very independent and firmly grounded person, and I was so happy to see her keeping her ground, good for her.

E. Jason Todd. Now here is a surprise. What a bomb of character that one. Now after doing minimal research about the fucked up origins of that one, I wasn’t surprised to see how he is probably the most twist and broken mess of them all. And he is the embodiment of DC’s wrongs, so it seems. This one is the ghost that Corp couldn’t get rid of or something. This one carries so so much nuance. But what really got me is how ensemble DarkHorse this one is. The actor is amazing. It reminds me how Dylan O’Brien of Teen Wolf out-shined the ever-living crap out of his co-stars cast back in the day. This one has similar energy. I literally squeezed on my couch into a little bulb of fright and pity when he had his outburst in front of Rose. His violence is so spot on brutal - I mean, while Dick’s violence is vicious, this one is brutal and I’m here for this. Also, his very introduction? Shivers down my spine and that feeling of “shit he had it REAL BAD as a kid. THE WORST”.

E.02 I... don’t care for Rose. Right now anyway. Maybe later on with her half brother as her copilot in S3? We’ll see. For now...? meh Sorry. 

F. Conner. From the very moment the name Superman was dropped I was like, there is going to be a supersomething. Now I am not familiar with all the comics and I barely remember Teen Titans, but I am on tumblr, so. OK his origins are creepy AF, also intriguing, and Lex, you obsessed fucker. GOOD. But then Jason was falling of the building and it was literally 2+2 “oh Conner is gonna save the poor soul”, but oh no they had to go full-on “catch you as you fall Lois Lane style” but except no flying up - instead crashing on a car. This character, just broke out of a laboratory, had a random journey, and was alive for like two days in total just to be at the right time at the right place to save Jason falling from that building? ?? What am I suppose to do with this information??? I mean, Someone DID THIS.  And I mean, that is kinda spot on.  The writers should be VERY CAREFUL NOW with that, coz it can be either beautiful stuff or a very gruesome publicity fodder. 

G. THEME. This Titans is. HORRIFICALLY IN YOUR FACE OOZES DARK TRAUMA AND CHILD ABUSE. While watching it I lost count of either abused/used children and crappy fathers. Dick is introduced while investigating a child abuse case. Raven was literally conceived so her demonic father could pass through her into this world. AND SO ON. And that literally includes Bruce and Dick themselves under that category, as the bad fathers. GOOD STUFF. You should really meditate on that. The amount of usage of children under the hands of adults in all the verity of forms, from sexual assault and rape and whatever violence to selling for profit (Conner is brainwashed and has a bid put on him, as a soldier for sale. He is a few weeks old.) is shockingly overwhelming. Like, this is THE THEME. Obviously this is a Found Family Trope kind of show, but oh my GOD they all are running from is just like, I dunno a mass of horny catholic priests? 

IN CONCLUSION

Titans may have a messy output with many plots but it is not that hard to follow. It’s not just darker and edgier, it’s just NOT THAT COMIC. This seems to be a show that might tackle some of the darkest stuff media doesn’t outright... tackles. It’s more then just “oh crap daddy issues”. It has the actual feeling of  “I will not be avenged. How do I move forward. Who needs me, who do I need to heal?” If it plays it right, it can be a thing of beauty. Or, if it will hear to all those negative shallow reviews, it will go crashing down in shamble. 

Signed, a satisfied, average viewer. 

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

The daddy, the issue and what’s so great about walking into the fire.

The daddy

When I was 10 years old, my father broke my heart.

As I watched him marry his third wife, I burst into tears as he declared his love for her in front of our entire family and friends. It was as if my heart fell from my chest into my stomach and Lucifer’s hand reached down my throat, wrenched it out and threw it down onto the floor in front of me – “You won’t be needing that”, he said.

“You may now kiss the bride”, I stared across the room at them, broken and confused, as my heart lay limply pulsating at my feet.

I remember my older sister laughing at me and asking me why I was crying. I couldn’t tell her it was because the man I loved so deeply, the man I so desperately craved the love and affection of, the man who abandoned me when I was 6 years old, the man who – as it turned out – didn’t hug me until I was 16 years old and to this day I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve felt his awkward embrace, the man who was so far from the definition of a father you’d assume we weren’t related had just married a stranger.

I told her I was crying with happiness.

The issue

The joys of being self-aware and invested in the business of self-development often means that I can spot the reg flags in a potential relationship pretty early on. I can smell the avoidants and dismissive from a mile off and yet their alluring scent draws me in closer to the fire. I gaze longingly into it, knowing if I get any closer I will definitely get burnt – I’ve got a million burns to prove it. It never gets any less painful, and yet, like a moth to a flame, I flutter on into the blaze.

Ouch, that hurt. I knew it, why did I do it AGAIN?

I know exactly why I do it. I do it because I’m idealistic, romantic and my inner child desperately craves validation and approval from a particular type of person because of the deep wounds my abusive father left with me with. (It’s unfortunately an all too familiar storyline for many of us.)

I’m always looking for a do-over. Always chasing the kind of love only a father has for his daughter. The “I’d die for you” kind of love. Even when I think I’ve found it, it’s never quite enough. So I keep on searching, I keep on pining after the men who don’t seem to give me enough attention. I keep on craving their approval, needing so furiously to be desired, to be everything they’ve ever needed and more. I need it to feel powerful, I need it to feel safe, I need it to feel loved.

Even if I do succeed in capturing their attention, it still feels like something is missing. I become restless, there must be something wrong… and so the craving sets in once again.

I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to heal through practicing self-love, doing the work, nurturing to my inner child work, facing my shadows and releasing my embodied trauma. This shit takes time and whilst we’re healing, inevitably we sometimes end up repeating some of the same mistakes, more than twice. We try not to judge and punish ourselves, we show ourselves compassion, we forgive ourselves and we continue to grieve the loss of the love we didn’t get from our parents. It’s exhausting.

There’s an interesting moment in time in the healing process when our unhealthy habits and coping strategies no longer work for us – they seem entirely pointless. But equally, our new coping strategies are really fucking tough because they’re these new, weird, inconvenient tools that we don’t really know how to use yet and we aren’t quite seeing the pay-off from the expensive investment that we’ve made in ourselves. We’re stuck in limbo. We’re in an incredibly transformational period; so close, and yet so far. We see clearly the patterns of behaviour which are no longer serving is. We see very clearly the habits that are preventing us from growth. But, we just can’t seem to shake them.

For me, this is particularly true when interacting the ‘popular’ types. You know the ones, the shiny, extroverted, sun-shines-out-of-their-arse types. Someone I’d perceive to be more attractive than me and more successful. These aspects are quite specific to the areas in my own life where I believe I’m a failure – likely because these were the areas that I felt if only I was better or special in some way and then maybe, just maybe, my father would finally acknowledge me and show me he loved me. This all very much drives my perfectionism and my insanely critical inner voice.

So, these types really stab me in the ‘daddy’ shaped hole in my heart.

Thankfully, after a little chat with my inner child I can usually spot the signs that I’ve been triggered. If they aren’t responding well to my yearning, the rational thing to do would be to turn the ship around and save myself the aggro of falling for yet another avoidant dismissive and having my heart wrenched out of stomach after feeling rejected or abandoned. These types make it very difficult for me to remember my worth, to keep myself grounded, to remind myself I am enough, I am safe and I am lovable. However…

I just can’t help myself. It’s honestly an addiction.

And what’s so great about walking into the fire

This was a question that up until very recently, I had never considered. I’d always assumed the reason I did it was because I didn’t respect myself enough – I think probably to begin with that was true. I’ve often wondered if it’s because I don’t love myself enough, or maybe I do this because feeling unsafe is all I’ve ever known. But that’s not true, I have had very healthy, very loving and very successful relationships and I really do care for myself now. I stopped judging myself, I forgave myself, I learnt to love and accept myself. I let go of the layers of shame and guilt that smothered my ability to fully express myself. I even learnt how to have boundaries. And yet, those flames still really, reallyyyyy titillate me...

But whyyyy?

I decided to sit down and I write out a list of things that draw me towards the fire:

First of all, I live in an absolute idealistic and romantic fantasy (most of us do!). Thanks to innumerable trashy rom-coms, I have ridiculous expectations of what love is supposed to look like and the things people will do to win the affection of their beloved. Maybe this time it’ll all work out? The shy wallflower will finally be acknowledged by the tough jock when he realises how wonderful she is and they’ll live happily ever after?

Never.

Secondly, it’s exciting. There’s risk involved in potentially (inevitably) getting burnt. It’s much like any other risky addictive habit; gabbling, drugs, sex with your best friends ex when he explicitly told you not to. Maybe the rush of it will be worth it this time? It definitely won’t be. The low, the regret, the guilt and the self-loathing is ALWAYS horrendous. On the other hand, maybe you already feel pretty shitty so, what have you got to lose? Might as well, ey?

Nope.

And finally, I honestly find everyday life seriously mundane. I constantly crave intensity and losing myself. Routine is boring, change is exciting. The fire offers me the perfect distraction from the monotony of the day-to-day snooze fest. I used to believe I was trying to escape something, trying to run away from my problems by filling my time with a chaotic love life just so I had something to talk about other than the files that Susan lost when the auditors came to… GAH! To begin with, this was true. But I’ve done a fuck tonne of work on myself since then, I no longer find solace in my old coping strategies because they simply do not work. I gave them up, I started actually taking care of myself and tending to my needs and wounds instead. So what was it?

I then realised something very important. Wanting excitement, thrill, ecstatic joy, bliss, celebration, partying, romance, love, sex, creativity, playfulness and adventure is in no way a bad thing. It is in no way a sign of weakness or an indication that I’m trying to escape something. It tells me I am human, that I’m alive, that I’m a social being. It tells me I want more than this average life we get sold by the system, that I won’t settle for this bullshit, that I deserve more, I am worthy and – I am the fire.

I already embody all of the things I so desperately crave. I am everything that I need. I have everything that I desire. I’m drawn to the fire because it’s calling me to be seen. My attachments and wounds have left me feeling dismissed, unacknowledged, invalidated and deleted… But I AM the fire. We all are. Whether or not another human experiences you in this way is irrelevant. We do not need anyone else to approve our existence and worth. Even if it is never seen or shared with anyone, the fact still remains true that you are indeed already burning effervescently.

No permission.

No recognition.

No validation.

No attention.

No acknowledgement.

And you will still remain the brightest light in the universe.

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[yukiwrites]

Sothis, Remembering

Thank you for the support as always, @xpegasusuniverse! This topic is so interesting even I’M at the edge of my seat aksçdlmkasd

Summary: After conjecturing what the Heroes’ Relics were made of, Byleth and Hanneman narrow down their search to the similarities of Byleth’s pulse to a Crest Stone’s. They would need to physically look inside the Professor’s body to find out, though what Byleth would see amounted to much more than answers to those questions...

Commission info HERE and HERE!

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Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10  - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14  - Part 15

The days passed as though in a blur -- Byleth and Hanneman were barely away from each other after school hours, noses deep in their research. Of course, they tried not to be seen together as often so as not to arise suspicion, changing their meeting places so often Byleth needed a second mind (a.k.a. Sothis) to remind him of where they would meet next.

During a particularly busy morning, the two professors hoarded the Heroes' Relics in their possession at an unused storage room, far from the main halls of Garreg Mach monastery.

For the hundredth time, they tested each and every one of them: they all shone in a shimmering red when at the hands of a crest-bearer, be it Byleth or Hanneman. However, as always, only in Byleth's hands did the Sword of the Creator shine, despite its insides being hollow.

Hanneman shuffled his own hair in frustration. "It's precisely because of the Crest Stones imbued within each weapon that anyone who bears a crest can wield them." He huffed, gripping at the legendary sword until the nodes of his bony hands turned white. "Of course, only those whose crest matches the stone of the Relic can take out the weapon's full potential -- but it is completely different with this." He raised the weapon overhead, as though looking through the hole would make an idea dawn on him out of nowhere. "However, only this- only the Sword of the Creator is different; in anyone's hands but yours, it is just an elaborate pile of bones. Perhaps I could injure someone by whacking their heads with it, but that's about any use I can find for it." He narrowed his eyes, mostly forgetting Byleth was there, though still directing his speech towards the younger man. "But it should be impossible! Unless you yourself are a Crest Stone, it makes absolutely no scientific sense that only your Crest enables you to wield it -- the magic has to go both ways! From the weapon," he rested the sword over his legs, moving his fingers in the directions of the magical flow was supposed to go should a Crest Stone exist, "to the stone, and from it, to the wielder's Crest. Yet, it does not happen this way with-"

It took Byleth a brain hiccup to digest what Hanneman was saying. Him and Sothis exchanged glances -- the floating girl hovering around the room out of sheer boredom as usual -- and widened their eyes at the same time. "Wait, slow down. Back up." Byleth placed one hand over his forehead as though to slow down the rush of thoughts cascading through his mind, lifting the other one to stop Hanneman from talking. "You said 'unless I'm the Crest Stone itself'?"

The older man looked to the younger one as though speaking of something obvious. "Why, yes. You are a unique case -- you possess a power that makes so little sense it is yet to be documented; so it is not far from the truth to say that you are 'unique' in the very essence of the word. Somehow, the flow of magic that should go through the Stone to your own Crest is completely reversed when you wield the Sword -- instead of your Crest resonating with the Stone and, as a consequence, imbuing the weapon with power, you yourself feed it with the energy it needs to be considered a Hero's Relic. Hold it like this," he shoved the sword on Byleth's chest, forcing the younger man to hug it.

The Relic shimmered in red immediately, but Sothis was able to catch what Hanneman was talking about -- something that could only be able to be noticed if one was paying attention: the sword started shining from the parts that Byleth touched first, as opposed to how any other Relic behaved -- through the Crest Stone.

"My! For someone who blabbers all day long research this, research that, Hanneman is actually a competent observer!" Sothis mused as Byleth looked at the bright weapon.

"Hanneman, what if-" Byleth placed the sword on the floor with a tunk. He slowly widened his eyes, watching it fade in color first at the places the tips of his fingers were.

Unless he ‘were’ a Crest Stone. Voices of a distant past; memories that willingly dug themselves deeper and deeper into his mind, eluding any who tried to uncover them.

High quality 'materials'.

The faint pulsating each Stone radiated.

His own chest.

"What if I- what if I actually have a stone inside of me?"

"Preposterous!" Hanneman replied immediately, slapping Byleth's shoulder. "Magical item it may be, it is still a physical object! A human being cannot truly function with a foreign object inside one's body. First and foremost, it would need to hold actual space within the flesh -- and I assure you that no part of the human body is there by mere coincidence; all parts have their roles."

Frowning, although understanding the nonsense he was speaking of, from a biological point of view, Byleth couldn't help but feel this- this yearning deep within his chest. The silent, void chest that had never uttered a sound.

Yet, at that moment, he could practically feel at the tips of his fingers -- feel the phantom thumping his heart was supposed to sound; the beat that should've been a constant throughout his life.

Hanneman kept talking despite Byleth's inner turmoil, deafening even Sothis' exasperated plea for the younger man to stop this line of thinking at once since it was making her feel sick. "As such, even if it were possible to actually insert it into one's body, the stone would need to occupy the space of an organ -- even take over... its... role..." Realization dawned in Hanneman midspeech, his eyes widening as they searched for Byleth's, mirroring his surprised expression.

"My heart!" Byleth looked at his own chest as though he could see its silent inhabitant. "Hanneman -- the stone- it's in my heart! It would all make sense if-"

The older man couldn't stop a large grin from sprouting up, his eyes losing their focus as he completely turned into research mode. "It- as mad as that sounds, it does make sense! However, even if it IS true, what -- or who -- could've inserted such magical, one-of-a-kind item inside a mere child? You've never had a heartbeat as far as you remember, yes?"

"Yes, but that's not the problem right now." Byleth sprung up to his feet. "You need to open my chest, Hanneman. I have got to know if this is true, or not. We can't start conjectures on 'what ifs'."

"My word!" Hanneman also shot to his feet, ignoring the protest of his old joints. "As eager as I am to open up a test subject, you are very much alive, Professor! I do not have the medical license nor the knowhow to keep a subject alive once I start poking at its insides-"

Both Byleth and Hanneman blinked, their minds set on this mad experiment. "Manuela!" They said in unison, snapping their fingers. They looked around at the mess around them, nodded and stormed off of the room, not bothering to lock it behind them.

Manuela had just taken a sip of her tea when the duo exploded into the infirmary with their mad idea, making her sputter and choke on the beverage. "You want me to do WHAT?!"

"It is for the sake of science, Manuela -- for the sake of uncovering the secrets of this world!" Hanneman puffed his chest, seeing the entire world glimmering due to the potential scientific breakthrough he was about to witness.

However, the healer was more than used to her colleague's research mode, so she blatantly ignored him as she dried her mouth with her handkerchief. "I don't think you understand how complex a heart surgery is, dear Byleth! I'll need to quite literally SAW through your sternum, you know? Open up your ribcage and risk you getting an infection just for what? Curiosity? I'm sorry, but I can't agree to this."

"The voice of reason, at last!" Sothis threw her hands up in the air, crossing her legs as she floated about. "Give up this egregious idea at once! I am barely holding on as we speak..." She huffed.

Byleth himself felt lightheaded due to his link with Sothis, but he couldn't stop -- not when they were so close. So close to discovering... something. To digging something up that had been always just out of reach. He grabbed Manuela's shoulders, not realizing how desperate his expression had turned. "I need to know this, Manuela. I beg you, I'm begging..." He lowered his head. "I must know about this lack of heartbeat. I trust your skills completely -- I know you will not allow any ill to befall me during the procedure."

Taken aback by the explosion of emotion the usually stoic Professor displayed, Manuela started to sway positively.

She chewed her lower lip nervously, frowning deeply. "Oh, very well. But only after I make the necessary arrangements -- later tonight at the LEAST."

"Perfect!" Hanneman loudly clapped. "The Archbishop will be away until tomorrow's evening mass, so this couldn't be more ideal!"

"T-thank you, Manuela." Byleth rested his head on her shoulder, the lightheadedness swooping his entire body.

"NO! No, no!" Sothis protested, her voice fading away slowly -- her own consciousness being absorbed into nothingness as Byleth himself passed out. “Noo…!”

The body was exhausted.

So much power was used. So much destruction reverted.

Using the Pulses in every corner of the land only to heal specific spots of it drained more than one would think. So, so exhausted.

"... apply- anesthesia?" A male voice rang at the back of one's head, as though an afterthought through a thick glass.

"-do-...nk I am? Of cour..." A female voice replied, fading away, away... so slowly one felt that even the voice was tired.

One was tired. Exhausted.

Why were they (they? Who are they?) so prideful -- why did they (who was he referring to? What was his mind seeing? A stone throne...?) ravage the beautiful nature to that point?

Ah, was it a mistake from one's part to share knowledge with them? (Share knowledge? Heal the land? Was he seeing a dream? He could see through the eyes of someone else, as though he were trapped into their mind.) But now... it did not matter. The body was exhausted and would perish should it not rest. (The darkness started to make sense -- a very unique stonework inside an underground facility extended as far as the eye could see, a green light illuminating his steps.)

One must rest. (He saw the motion of blinking, though his own eyes did not feel the need to do so -- his eyesight was so much farther from the ground than before, as though he had become someone much, much taller. Another being entirely.)

The power leaves one's body. One has left one's children to care for the land until one can walk it once more. For now... Rest.

Darkness.

Byleth moved his head to the sides, trying to look, seeing nothing but blackness.

The sound of bone being slowly, ever so slowly, sawed, filled the world. Byleth felt it, for the first time.

He felt his heart beating.

The feeling lasted for a single beat, however, as he felt, or rather, saw his own heart being ripped out of his chest. "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS!" Sothis yelled so loudly it felt as though she was beside him, not inside of his mind. She sobbed loudly, hiccups filling the void.

Byleth screamed inside the darkness, echoing his mindmate’s wails; the memories of being torn apart while still maintaining a sliver of consciousness cleaving his mind into two.

"THIS... this is-" Sothis curled herself up into a ball. "It's how I-"

Byleth held Sothis' hand as the both of them lay in the cold, somehow now able to physically touch her. "It’s how I died."

[nerfherderbinniegirl]

What has been running through my mind since last Thursday

I have had so many thoughts since TROS came out.

Before it’s release I was beyond excited, hyper about it! It’s finally here, the conclusion, the wonderful finish to 42 years of amazing movies, ones that might not have been perfect, but built up to a wonderful story arc that I lived and breathed as a child and then as a younger adult. Now, as a middle aged adult female, who grew up with Princess Leia, Luke and Han, with Lando and Chewie of course, as well as Darth Vadar, as the background of my childhood, and I had gained Obi-Wan, Anakin, Padme, Shmi, and Bail into my inner circle of love for characters when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s; I was so excited because I had also in my 40’s gained Ben Solo (he was always Ben to me), Rey and Finn, with Rose, keeping Chewie nearby and giving me glimpses into the world that had never been perfect, but resonated with me.

Ben resonated with me most of all because of how my childhood went. I was a difficult child and teen. I say all the time that had I been born 25 to 30 years later than I was, I’d have been medicated from age 6 on. I had medical issues with my ears, my hearing. I developed severe anxiety around school and social situations, when my natural state is actually to be very outgoing. I am introverted in regards to my energy needs, however I am not a quiet person at all. I am too loud, too emotional, too intense for most people, my family most of all. I was the kid who cried too easily and stomped up stairs and slammed bedroom doors because of what I was lacking.

I lacked validation for myself, for my real feelings. Everything I experienced was real and concrete for me. I was not given any tools that worked for me, so I delved into myself. Deep inside I lived in a world that was private and a fantasy. I love fantasy novels, I have read more science fiction/fantasy than anything else, and all of it is always more fantasy than science. I loved Doctor Who growing up, watched it religiously every Sunday afternoon. I really had no choice but to rely on it to help me through my crippling anxiety and fear for every Monday morning. I was an embarrassment to my family, my mother did not know what to do with me, so she did nothing to change my coping skills. I was a 6,7, 8, 9, and 10 year old who did not know how to do anything of basic skills in school, had no friends for more years than I like to remember. I was bullied, and survived because we did not have the technology that we have now. I stopped having so many bad effects of my anxiety by the end of 5th grade because of a wonderful teacher, who was patient and funny. He never made me feel like a freak, though I was.

In my mind, I was stupid, worthless, unmanageable, unlovable, a problem. A problem that could not be solved. I wanted to leave my world and live elsewhere where I could become anyone I wanted to be. The transition from elementary school to middle school gave me the freedom within to change some things. I became more outgoing and tried to erase who I was in the past. I did not do that well, but I also made lasting friendships for the first time. My best friend since age 12 is a testament to that.

At 15 I planned to end my life. I still don’t know what stopped me, though I did not even follow through with any part of my plan. I pulled through, found meaning in music, books, my friendships. I survived even though I should not have. 

I share all of this because when I watched TFA the first time, I understood Ben Solo so deeply it scared me. I thought, I’ve been there, I’ve had those thoughts. I tried to fight back the same ways. I did think about ending my father’s life twice as an adult. Once at age 18 and once at age 27. He was a hurtful and abusive man. The damage done was intense. I could never feel comfortable around my friend’s fathers because of what I thought a father was supposed to be like. And at the same time I wanted my father’s love so much, I craved it. Even through all of the psychological abuse, through the conditioning that I was put through, to be the perfect daughter. “Don’t be so loud, be thinner, don’t grow your hair long, be what I want you to be, be less emotional, be more helpful, don’t be selfish, don’t ask for anything you want, be satisfied with what we deem is right for you.” These words were the pinnacle, and they happened 2 months before he died (not at my hands, cancer got him in the end): “When you are thin, then you will be beautiful, and then you’ll find a husband.” I was 27 years old, single, the last one in the family, but not the youngest, the middle. I was pathetic to my family. Unlovable completely because my own father could not see my beauty or think I was worthy of love. I wanted to kill him by driving him off the road and into a tree, off a bridge, something. But I kept my mouth shut because that is what I was trained to do, and I swallowed it down.

When I was really young, before age 2, my father was attentive and loving. I was the perfect little girl. My younger sister was born right before my 2nd birthday, and I was forgotten. All of a sudden it shifted. I have visceral feelings of being pushed aside, and warned to be careful with her, not to hurt her. I was not a hurtful person, I was not violent. I could have only been violent to myself. I spent so many years hating her because she took my place because my father could not find it in himself to have space for both of us.  

My mother was not much better, she was dismissive in her abuse. Forgetful and selfish in her own ways. They did not plan to have the 3 of us younger kids. We were all surprises! Yay! Wow, so now you are saddled with 3 more children you never planned for, and you actually have to parent them. What a concept! My mother was flawed in so many ways. She had the nerve to ask me if I needed her at my college and then graduate school graduations. Asked me if I needed her to see my first apartment. To all of you mother’s out there, aren’t you supposed to want to be present for those things? Wow. Though, with fucking bells on for my younger sister’s graduations! There are so many bad stories about how I was the throw away child in the family. It’s sick.

Ben was supposed to get better than he did! He was supposed to get what I finally found, belonging in love and with a made family. My husband is the best thing that every happened to me. He loves all of my quirky nature. He knows all of the stories. He’s heard my siblings make remarks about me, and treat me like I am a leper, and he knows me best. He loves me fully, protectively and intensely. Ben and Rey’s story spoke so strongly to me because it reminds me of us. They both want to protect the other, and they feel compelled to be with each other even when it is hard.

It’s a disservice to the fans to have Ben die at the end of TROS. They betrayed us with that ending. Ben and Rey earned their happiness and family. They earned their connection. I know in time it will hurt less, I’ve lost both of my parents and I know how grieving works for me, however I will never be okay with what DLF, JJ, Chris, Kathleen and Bob Iger took from us. And I was forever be grateful for the wonderment that is Rian Johnson, he is a blessing for all of us. He created a story that gave life to redemption and healing. He gave us love so deep and primal, not based on sexual attraction (not only, or at first – though that shirtless scene is brilliant) but based on understanding and deep affection for each other’s souls.

I will end with saying that I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I work with couple’s and families to understand what drives us in relationships, and how to heal the past experiences so we can be the best people in our relationships and with ourselves. It’s work I had to do before I was ready for the deep and abiding love that I have with my husband, who brought me two wonderful parents who have helped heal this little girl inside to feel accepted and wanted as she is, even when she is too loud and too opinionated.

[jinkisbelly]

A Simple Request 8/?

Pairing: Jongyu

Rating: pg-13

w/c: 2.8k

Other Parts can be found a little ways down this [x]   Ao3  AFF

Summary: The Fae King is under a lot of pressure to conceive an heir, while given a deadline by the Council he turns to his personal guard and best friend to help him with it  

Warnings: Future mpreg

         When Jinki came to, his head was pounding terribly and his cheek was squished against the pillow under him. It took him a moment to realize he was laying face first on some sort of bed and even longer to remember what had happened. Goblins. The High Governor's daughter and the back wound. He groaned as he pushed off the bed, hissing through his teeth as pain ripped through his back with the movement, but he didn’t stop until he could look around the room. He recognized it as his room given to him when he arrived at the Dwarven capital. But then the pain got too much to handle and he lowered himself gently. “I was wondering when you’d come to.”

         He knew that voice, very well even, but it wasn’t until he shifted his head left, right cheek squished against the pillow instead, that he made the connection. “What are you… doing here?”

         “Investigating the claims the Dwarves are trespassing and mining illegally in mines that are not theirs to do so.” The young elf grinned, ears wiggling a little in their excitement. “I’d have thought his Majesty would have informed you who he assigned to this undercover mission.”

         “Mind on… other things.” Jinki swallowed thickly, mouth dry and sticky as he squinted in the bright artificial light of the room.

         “I sent a message to him yesterday morning when you didn’t yet wake.” They grinned, sharper canines shining slightly, “I hope you don’t mind me forging your hand.”

         “Asshole,” Jinki muttered, eyes closing as he focused on trying to heal his wound more.

         “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

         “Why?”

         “Goblin’s lace their weapons with poison. The Keeper should remember such a simple thing, silly.” They softly giggled, foot jigging as it rested on their knee. “Saferus took me to get the stupid flower the dwarves needed for the antidote, but you can’t seal the wound yet.”

         “How long?” Jinki softly croaked.

         “A few more hours at least. Tomorrow morning at the latest.” They pushed off the small chair they had been lounging in to move the hair that had fallen in Jinki’s face behind his ear. They offered water with a metal straw, careful not to spill it all over the place. Once Jinki swallowed enough, the glass was put back on the table. “Try to relax. Your King is safe and you’ll live another day to be lectured by that big lizard of yours. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

         “Still an asshole.” But then he relaxed, tension leaving his muscles as he flashed a small smile. “But thank you Taemin.”

         “I wish the first time I saw you after a decade was something other than you bleeding face first in some dark tunnel.” Taemin scrunches their nose slightly. “You stained my boots.”

         “Sorry.”

         “No, you aren’t.”

         “Correct.”

         Taemin huffed and turned on their heel, storming out in their usual dramatic fashion.

         Once the door clicked closed, Jinki took a deep breath before allowing his mind to drift out, searching for his dragon. ‘Saferus?”

         ‘I was wondering when you would come to, Little one.’

         ‘My head hurts.’

         ‘Only your head?’

         ‘All of you are assholes.’

         He could see where Saferus was, curled up by lake Mierah, tail swishing across the crystal clear surface making it ripple softly. The sun was beating down on his scales as he half slept. ‘You are the one who keeps getting into trouble. In a place too small for me to save you as per usual.’

         ‘Saved the girl. That’s what matters.’

         ‘Just get better Little One. I sense a storm brewing for your return.’

----

         In the morning, Jinki still felt the poison being pulled from his body. He couldn’t stay here any longer. What he was required for here was complete and as long as he could get onto Saferus, the straps on the saddle should allow him to make it back to Faera safely. Leaving Jonghyun was never something he enjoyed doing. There were few people he trusted with protecting the King. His duty as Keeper first and foremost was as a healer to the people of the United Kingdoms, but while he did his duty, the quicker he could get back to Jonghyun’s side the better.

         He had slowly put on his boots, pausing every few moments to let the pain subside. A lovely healer had come in to give him completely new bandages just before. A simple shirt was loose on his frame to allow breathing room for the wound. A small six by six-inch cube was sitting on the narrow table along the opposite wall where he had placed it before he had gone to the baths the night of the abduction attempt. Within the swirling colored box was his armor. The cube’s mechanism was incredibly useful when wearing the full armor could be seen as aggressive, but also allowed him to carry heavy equipment far easier than without.

         Clenching his teeth, he stood, wavering slightly on his feet. He used his sword as a cane of sorts, taking a deep breath before tossing the cube into his sack and heading toward the door. He was halfway down the hall when he sensed Taemin slip out of the shadow realm. “And what do you think you’re doing?”  

         “I need to return home. I’m no longer needed here and I can recover in the safety of the Temple just as well I can here.”

         “You shouldn’t be up on your feet.”

         Jinki stopped to look over at them with a raised eyebrow. “Is that you offering to carry me?”

         Taemin pressed their lips together in a thin line, “No, but if you are determined to return to Faera, I’ll accompany you.”

         The soft sounds of Jinki’s sword hitting the stone beneath them was almost calmly. “I don’t recall offering you transportation.”

         “I’ll just ask Saferus. He likes me more.” They were grinning, footsteps light as if bouncing on air. Taemin shrugged then as they continued. “I really do not want to take public transit.”

         “One, doubt it.” Jinki smiled as a few children gasped as they walked by, even running his hand over one’s hair as they followed beside him. “Two, a dragon beats underground trains always.”

-----

         Taemin had disappeared as soon as Saferus had landed and they were sure Jinki was sound on his feet. Where the shadow elf ran off to could only mean mischief, but they weren’t hurting anyone at the moment so Jinki couldn’t find himself caring about it. A bath had been drawn for him after his wound was healed, oils and tonics dripped into the steaming water to help the aftereffects of the poison. He waited until the distant door clicked closed before dropping his robe and slipping into the water, resting his head on the folded towel.

         There were candles softly floating a safe distance away from the fabric hanging from the ceiling, giving the room a warm glow. It reminded Jinki of the flower field behind the beach house he used to visit as a child before Wixu came. The salt from the sea air blowing over and the soft floral scent of wildflowers. The peace and quiet were interrupted when he softly heard Saferus in his mind. ‘You have a visitor.’

         Before Jinki could say that the door was locked and therefore that was impossible, coming into the room was Jonghyun, fluttering a few inches off the ground. He flashed a little smile. “May I come in?”

         “Of course.”

         Jonghyun’s wings began to disappear in the form of his tattoos as his feet landed gracefully against the ground. “I won’t stay long if you wish to rest. I just wanted to see you were alright for myself.”

         “You can stay as long as you like.” Jinki ran his fingers over the surface of the cloudy water. “As you can see, I am swell.”

         “It seems you’re soaking like a prune.” Jonghyun gave a little smile before his outer tunic was dropped on the ground and his boots were pulled off. He pointed to the ground just behind Jinki’s head. “May I?”

-----

         “I suppose.” Carefully Jonghyun sat behind him, one leg in the water and the other bent in to bring Jinki’s hair into his lap. Jinki relaxed back against his towel after all of his hair was gathered. “Nothing of consequence happened here while I was gone?”

         “Other than my councilors being too much of a coward to come and speak to me in person, nothing worth noting.” Jonghyun’s fingers moved softly, scratching against Jinki’s scalp with each pass. “You never should have given me that vial.”

         Slowly Jinki pushed his head back to look up at him, “And why not?”

         “You could have healed yourself with it.”

         “I couldn’t just leave you on the mend like that without something to use in case of an emergency. Besides,” He grinned, “I’m fine. I could focus my duty a lot better without worrying about you.”

         Jonghyun softly placed his hands on both temples, fingers pressing slightly as he gave a gentle grin. “You sound incredibly attached Mr. Keeper.”

         “Possibly.” Jinki’s eyes fluttered closed, hands resting on his tummy under the water, as he let the other man continue massaging his temples and scalp. “But that’s not a terrible thing to be.”  

         “I suppose not.”

         “How did you get in here? The front door is locked.”

         “Oh. Your dragon let me in.”

         Jinki’s eyes snapped open and quickly found the other’s gaze. “What does that mean?”

         “I came in through his door. The big one.”

         “I sure hope it’s big.” Jinki was silent for a moment and Jonghyun realized he was talking to Saferus. Then he was laughing, “Apparently he thought you’d be good medicine for me.”

         “Is that so?”

         “Mhmm. He said,” Jinki scowled slightly, deepening his voice as he imitated Saferus. “Human companionship is apparently good for healing.”

         “And what do you think?”

         “Hmm? Do I agree?” A smile slowly spread on Jinki’s face, “It’s not often Saferus is wrong.”

         “I’m glad to be of service.”

         “Then please go back to the finger thing, please.” Jinki chirped, eyes closing once again as he got comfy.

        “So demanding.” Jonghyun scuffed, even as he continued doing as the man ordered.  "Mind telling me what really happened? No one seems to know the entire story."

         "I found that someone in the most inner circle of the High Governor had been poisoning him with lead-laced food. I made sure the investigation was started before handing it over. It wasn't my place to figure it out unless another kingdom was involved." Jinki's fingers tapped gently against his tummy, sending little ripples across the surface of the water. "I was on the way back from their baths when I overheard Goblins trying to abduct the High Governors daughter. Apparently, their leader wanted to marry her. The Lookout got a hit on me when I was helping her with the binds."

         "It's not often you're taken by surprise. How pretty was she?"

         Jinki's eyes snapped open to find Jonghyun's soft gaze. "What does that have to do with being taken by surprise?"

         "Prettier things are more likely to take one's attention, Silly."

         "She wasn't my type." Jinki wiggled a little to get comfy again, closing his eyes once he settled. His voice was almost muffled with how quiet he was speaking. "Besides, if pretty things distracted me I would never be able to do my duty around you, Jonghyun."

         Jonghyun’s breathing hitched, a little puff of air leaving his lips as Jinki’s hair changed in his hands. Purple and pink swirled together almost, reminding Jonghyun of a summer sunset. There was a warmth in Jonghyun’s chest as he played with Jinki’s hair, a tingle to his fingers as if his hand had fallen asleep recently, and it felt like his heartbeat was slightly elevated. The first thought he had was that he was coming down with something, but he figured if it turned out to be bad enough Jinki would catch it soon.

        Instead, Jonghyun thought about how much Jinki trusted him. It wasn’t very often that the man allowed himself to be completely relaxed and not on guard. He knew from experience that if attention was brought to Jinki’s hair changing, more often than not the man realized his emotions were shown and quickly controlled it back to black. Jinki had to feel completely comfortable to do as he was. Jonghyun fondly smiled as Jinki sank a little more into the water, his chin covered with the liquid. “You seem cozy.”

        “I am.” Jinki chuckled. He looked up with a little grin. “If you’re too cold, you could always join me. There’s more than enough room.”

        Jonghyun raised his brow. “Are you seducing me?”

        Jinki’s gaze followed him as he rose and walked around the bath. Jonghyun was sitting on the edge to the man’s left when Jinki spoke again. “Did you want me to?”

        “Not in your current condition.” Jonghyun wiggled his pants off his leg and tossed it behind him near his jacket and prior taken off shirt. Once completely nude, he slipped into the water, sighing as he settled all the way. Jinki had sat up, back against the edge of the bath, one leg brought up with his knee out of the water.

        “My current condition, huh?”  Jinki had his arms up on the edge of the bath, looking too attractive for his own good Jonghyun deemed. Especially with that grin of his. “You wanted to get to it as soon as possible when you were in no position to do so, need I remind you.”

        “You stopped us then. Perhaps it’s my turn to do so now.”

        “There’s a major difference between then and now.” Jinki pushed off the edge of the bath, moving slowly through the bath before taking Jonghyun’s jaw into his hands. He dipped his head as his left hand fell to kiss along the fairy’s neck, before whispering. “I am just tired. You were unwell. Let me please you.”

        Jonghyun bit his bottom lip, trying to fight how much he wanted to give in, but in the end, Jinki skimmed his teeth over his collarbone. The cheater. “Fine, but you must take it easy.”

        “Of course,” Jinki’s breath was hot against Jonghyun’s neck, voice dropping deeper, “Your Majesty.”

        Something about the tone made Jonghyun moan, soft and breathy against Jinki’s ear. Maybe it was the length of time in which they had been trying for a baby, sharing this part of themselves, but Jonghyun was sure Jinki never had such an effect on him before. He wasn’t sure if he liked it, but everything was murky and felt too good to work through his thoughts on the subject.

-----

        Jonghyun gazed over under the towel he was using to dry his hair as Jinki slowly slid on a pair of loose cotton pants. The elf’s movements were almost lethargic in nature, but he didn’t seem to be in any pain. Once Jinki was sitting on the mattress, Jonghyun lowered his arms with a quiet, “I suppose I should head back.”

        “You don’t have to.” Jinki’s fingers stop braiding his hair over his shoulder to flash a smile. “It’s pretty late and you going back now would sound more alarms than appease any.”

        “If you’re sure.”

        “Take those ridiculous boots off and c’mere.” The plait was tossed over Jinki shoulder as he shifted up to the pillows, wiggling his legs under the blanket. “What with the hands on the hips?”

        “My boots are not ridiculous.”

        Jinki raised his eyebrows, “They have sparkling heels.”

        “Don’t pick on my fairy dust.” Jonghyun climbed over Jinki’s feet to fall into the pillow beside him. He stuck his tongue out, before grinning. “Or, I’ll make you wake up with everything on the ceiling.”

        Jonghyun knew the man had rolled his eyes, but the smile on Jinki’s lips was one of good-natured teasing, “As long as I’m still warm.”

        Even though Jinki wasn’t looking at him, Jonghyun stared at the top of the canopy bed. “If you’re worried about being cold, we could cuddle.”

        A moment ticked by. Then another before Jinki’s tired voice gently beckoned. “C’mere.” When Jonghyun slowly turned his head to look at the man, Jinki was gazing at him with what the fairy could only describe as fondness. “I won’t bite.”

        “You seem to like to thought.” Jinki’s bare skin was soft and warm as he moved across the distance between them and rested his head on the man’s arm.

        “I’d stop, but you enjoy it too much.” In the end, Jinki had his other arm thrown over Jonghyun in the curve of his waist, lips pressed against his forehead softly, and each time he breathes through his nose a bit of hair fluttered in front of it.

------

[misssiriuss]

Hello! I'd like to a longer narrative poem about my general/spiritual path right now. AEJ, 12, 7, & 5. 😊📚♠🎧👽💖 Thank you so much!

Hey again! I will give you a long psychic poem, along with a deep channeling <3 (I always combine them both) 💕

I saw a vision of a night sky, involving a small boy, and his mother at the beach looking at the night sky.

Listen to your gut feelings while reading, and open your intuition because your feelings matter!

Poem

"Look dear, what do you see?" the mother asked him

"a, a sea?"

The mother chukled "no, Its not a sea, Its a fish In the sky!... and I want you to catch It by your hand..."

"So you want It to be catched my own hands?!"

"No catch It with your fangs!"

"B-but I can't without me being able to have a pair of fangs!"

"Then use something else such as a stick from the sand just right there!" she said.

"So you want me to take that stick to create fangs?"

"No I want you to create a border between you and me, so that you can show me that you are a true lad"

"But I can't"

"Then you better build a ship, so that you can live on another land!"

"But I can't"

"Then I better throw you out, and never be by your side again, because there Is no need to be here for you then.. because If you can't do what I told you.. to become a salesman.. You remember?"

"I don't want to be a salesman.."

"Then join along the pirates, so I won't see you again!"

"B-but I'm happy where I am.. with you!"

"leave me now.." the mother said

(I know the poem came across as.. confusing 😆 But that because Its on a subconscious level! Our subconscious Is a lot more confusing than we think! Its like when we are Inside a dream and all sort of things happens! Its really trippy)

analyze

I asked the pendulum If the metaphorical poem Is from a past life and It said yes 😊 Though I believe this boy was really intellectual, intuitive but his mother neglected his abilities and such. Maybe a similar conversation happened, or this just generally describe the essence of the relationship and how the boy got abandoned.

I sense that this poem/narratiom Is really deep In a way that might not be understood at first.. This could be a past life of yours, and therefore giving some karma to this life (karma that we think Is karma when It Is not) 🤔 Though conversation here maybe wasn't as you expected I could imagine (Will give you a bonus poem

This though was very symbolic, and touches an aspect within you. I specifically sensed the child being a boy, which could symbolize a boyish aspect within you, that you yet need to understand. I feel like that child Is boyish In nature, and needs care In a sense to feel like Its enough. The mom of this boy was pushy, and I believe through the boys perspective It symbolize tbe femininity that was pushed Into you with force. I believe that we should all embrace our inner feminine and inner masculine though. I believe what could be done now, Is to heal, accept, embrace your masculinity and femininity. And heal that femininity properly.. Because I sense a core In the femininity Is harmed, which Is where I talk about the spiritial aspect of It. Femininity symbolizing intuition, Empathy, Giving, freedom.. I especially sense that true femiminity means freedom of the mind to speak, In the world of spirituality, while masculine energy means order and law, patterns. Embracing both of them, while having a healthy relationship to them will give you a better perspevtive on yourself and the world.

general channeling

If there Is inbalance and problems within your relationships with females, that could indicate the harmed femininity within. Though healing It, healing your femininity, will balance It out. BUT I also sense getting the nurturing energy from a strong feminine essence Is really healing for you, even though you could try to neglect It. Don't neglect the love you get, and embrace all of It 🤗

Though, I sense a neglection of your powers, and how you have been not felt accepted, or enough, and always questioned.. especially the feminine energy... You didn't get the nurturing you needed, and your intellect was questioned.

This reading also wants to tell you that your very intelligent and that you shouldn't let anyone make you think otherwise. And also your really really psychic too!

When It comes to money, You maybe have been on a dependent mode, for a while.. But this reading wants to tell you regarding that, Its all alright. Maybe you were supposed to pay someone back something? 🤔

This reading wants ro remind you of that lizard energy.. That Its just a phase, and the talent, power will attract the money you need 😊

Here Is a bonus poem

"be ready for a major change, the listing goes on for what I say. Yet, a sumbtle way, will create a wave, make you into a proper shell of dwell."

I sense that a situation or problem involving someone that will trigger something within you, make you dwell out of your shell, embody true power, and I sense you finally standing up for your emotions and powers!

Signs

If you see pearls, Its a sign to listen to what your heart just said. If you had a thought that you neglected, the pearls will tell you to examine that, see If It aligns to your heart. I also sense some aprhodite energy from that 😊

If you see somewhere an emoji lion, Its a sign to breathe, because something Important will come.

If you see a turtle, Its a sign to be alert!!

If you see a red shirt, It's a sign to tone down 😊

Summary

Just know deep within your worth, and be aware of all these external influences and how they have affected you 😊 This Is a great time for you to finally break free from uncomscious influences, and to break all those karmic patterns Involving love relationships! I hope you liked the reading and It resonated <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Donation

General psychic poem for all 💌🤖💎

[badaipuan]

Here’s to the mess I made

It was at the very beginning of 2019 when I, for the first time, traveled miles away from home to lead a new chapter of my life. Yes, one resolution away this time. I got a good offer of a job though to be honest I was (and still) clueless about the position. A month passed by with fevers, fears, but yet excitement went along the way too. A contradiction. I guess we’re all just living in a contradictory world, aren't we?.

Before I left, my father insisted to take me to the bus station. I used to say no to everything he insisted because I don’t want to bother him. He got a lot in mind already, and also a lot of energy drained due to his working hours. But he’s a father somehow, he must have wanted to reassure if his daughter stepped inside the bus safely. Before I went in, I gave him a short embrace he didn’t expect. 1..2..3..three seconds and I let go. It’s my first travel to a new big big world, I didn’t want him to shed a tear. Absolutely will not. For our family, it’s crying hard or not to cry at all. Since a farewell of a daughter and a father is not a pleasant thing, the possible answer is to cry hard. And I wouldn’t cross that answer. I couldn’t imagine going away seeing my father weep right before my eyes. Anyway, I’ve never given him a hug before this. So, you tell how this moment happened to the two of us.

I stepped inside and realized I was the last passenger to went on the bus. I scanned the seats to find most of the passengers were men. My seat was next to a man around 40 who claimed to live in Grogol once. And yes I surely thought if the trip was going to be awkward.

There, while the wheels took me somewhere I never knew, I thought merely of how I would do this job. Sales thing, as long as I could remember, is not and never been my thing. But I know I’m going to give it a shot. For the sake of my family, and my family.

Gosh, Mar, Mir.. this is going to be the story I’d tell you on an afternoon meal one day.

Month 1 was summary of fever and figuring out which face to show, which thing should I do. I remember meeting mas Herlan for the first time. He’s sitting on the couch at the lobby. I shook his hand and he asked me if I was in the same university as him. I said no, it wasn’t me. My first impression of him? That he’s a warm and loving person. It showed clearly from his eyes and tone in his voice. At his left, stood Ezra and 2 or 3 others. Hey, guys, remember me? Yeah, I was the one who greeted you all, offered a handshake like I was coming from another time zone, before the century.

Month 2 was where I created a new circle of similar people as I am. In the other side, I questioned my traits over and over again. Evaluating why did there have to be 2 circles; the popular and the-rather-quiet-and-preserved. Why can’t I join both parties?

Month 3 and the fear of being judged was on its peak. I realized the reason it is hard for me to break the glass between myself and the popular is that because I fear them seeing the bad and ugly parts in me while we’re having an unfortunate conversation and decide to underestimate me for the rest of their time. So I chose to shut myself from them. Well, I can’t tell if it’s the right thing to do. People constantly tell me that I need to improvise in order to survive in this company. I need to imitate others in order to be liked by them, to gain their respect, to build an image in front of them. A skill I haven’t got just yet. A thing I need to force myself to learn. It might take quite some time but I believe I could eventually succeed. Well, still me, but better.

Month 3 is where the storm happened for several weeks making everything’s more chaotic and miserable than ever. March is where my dearest Peculiars cast away, gone as if nothing’s ever happened, which relentlessly break my heart. There’s hurricane inside and outside of me. Three months with these new people, I've figured out that the world is not as good as I thought it is. There are violence, judgment, anger, and madness out here and everywhere. Once you’re on the doormat, you’ll see no such authentic beauty in front of you. The world is filled up with made up mind, made up feelings and millions of false courtesies. People out here live for themselves and only for themselves. Not many live to fulfill the needs of others. For those who still believe in kindness, hopes may exist, I suppose. To meet these people, we need to look closely.

Here I am, entering the door with heart on my sleeve, considering if I should give it away or fight for it. The answer is to conservatively give it away.

...

Wait.. well, dang. How is it possible when it means violating my values? Cray. Dang, I don’t know about this yet but I promise to figure this out soon. I could already picture myself failing at this and turn myself to a fake social-moron. To make it out well alive, I constantly tell myself to fix my burst-out behavior. I mean, me myself have never seen this behavior before. So if you’re surprised, same here. My bad. My inner child would usually only jump out when I sense a like-minded person. Ok, like, person. Not a group of people, trust me, I never dared to show my true self publicly. But I guess I was off guard in the wrong timing because of the breakup I recently had. It feels like all the burden were off my shoulder. Dik, have a self-control, you idiot.

And from this unfortunate behavior, I got bunches of complaints. I understand though. Even I regret myself for being a social-cripple. Now worry not, I took the kid into the cage already and D-K is back to business y'all. To all the questions that buzzing inside my head, I decided to tell my ENFP buddy. The tell-everything-zone without worrying to be judged. Though I already knew the answer to my problems, I just need to be heard. So I talk about this to mas Herlan. At lobby hotel, after sunset. I can’t help to hold back. All the confusion going in my head, and while listening to mas Herlan’s calm voice, it had forced myself to sob. Pathetic porcelain kid

All these years, I have convinced myself that it’s ok to be you. It’s ok if I’m loud and quiet at the same time, it’s ok to literally add plain sundae to my fries, it’s ok to only give a dang to people I care about because giving false attention on purpose is draining my soul, it’s ok if I’m flawed, I have my own strengths too.. things that make me me that the others won’t be able to imitate. I’m totally fine if someone be just who they are in front of me. If they’re being mean to me, I’ll find out the reason why and will eventually understand their motives. And when someone’s being kind to me, I’ll give back even more. I appreciate any form of kindness. I truly believe there is good within everyone and that nobody ever means to do such mean things. This is how I always find my way to forgive people and forget the past. I find it much easier to heal. Perhaps that's also why I keep coming back to people who previously hurt me. Hey, it’s okay... People make mistake and we can always fix things up, right?

(right!)

But again,

Not everyone has the same in mind as I do. Some are forgiving, yet not forgetting what people have done to them. I’m cool with it, too. The rest seems neither forgive nor forget, and that’s alright. Their life, their rules.

The tips is to exceptionally do everyone good. Say good things, say sorry, thanks, whatever it is to make others feel appreciated. Behind our back, we’re all struggling with our problems. And I’m still working on my self, too. To be more aware of my surroundings. All the individualistic inside me needs to be lifted away before its roots shatter everything else.

I’m delighted for who I am right now and yet longing to the better version of myself in the near future. Only then my hand would able to reach those who are steps ahead of me. Those who inspire me and give my life a new purpose. I can’t wait to join those people. And only then I could stretch my arm to pull up people below me, for they remind me of my old self. I can’t wait to see people in their very best version of themselves.

I can’t wait to see the best of me which without all this mess, I would have never be one. And only then, I hope I can give you another embrace and hold your hand longer. And every insecurity will fade away from us.

Anyway, some lines from my queen;

how is it so easy for you to be kind to people 

he asked 

milk and honey dripped from my lips as i answered 

cause people have not been kind to me

- Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

[mr-mellow-dj]

Taughannock Falls

Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. All others are the product of my imagination. Any resemblance with any person, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Transcriptions and some background information comes from seriesmonitor dot com slash castle slash transcripts slash index dot html. Other information comes from wiki dot castletv dot net.

All mistakes are mine. I have no beta for my story.

A/N: Semi AU post 4x07 Cops and Robbers (episode aired October 31, 2011)

Beckett had been driving for a while. She glanced over at her partner and friend reading his phone. She turned back to the road stretching in front of her and yawned. While it was not a long drive and it wasn’t late, she still had planned for a quiet Sunday of rest after the emotional rollercoaster of a case that just completed.

Suddenly, Castle said, “Oh yeah! Finally!”

“What?”

“I finally beat that level on ‘Angry Birds’,” Castle answered. “I’ve been trying to beat it for months.”

“Really,” Beckett said rolling her eyes.

“Well, it seems that way,” Castle answered.

“Hmm.”

They then sat in silence for another few miles on the interstate. They were going through Binghamton in upstate New York on their way to Ithaca.

Kate looked back on how she and her partner had ended up on a road to Ithaca.

 The Captain had called them into her office late on Friday.

“You wanted to see us, sir?” Beckett asked.

“Yes,” Captain Gates responded. “Both you and Mr. Castle need to be in Ithaca Monday morning for Ron Brandt’s hearing. Apparently the judge and local DA want to have a hearing before they grant a transfer to NYPD.”

“Sir?” Beckett asked.

“The DA in Ithaca wants to be convinced that the kidnapping and assault charge he has on Mr. Brandt aren’t the only charges. He wants to have the lead investigator and a witness to what happened give a statement in front of a judge. Further, the attorney for the defendant is also asking for statements.”

“What time do they want us there, Captain?” Castle asked.

“Mr. Castle, the judge wants you in chambers at 9:00 am Monday morning.”

“Drive or fly?” Beckett asked.

“There isn’t any budget for flying you up there, Detective. You’ll need to drive your NYPD car.”

“Beckett, we’ll need to drive up on Sunday.”

“No budget for hotel, either.”

“Don’t worry,” Castle said. “I know a nice bed and breakfast near the lake. My treat.”

“Alright, Mr. Castle. And thank you.”

“Thanks, Castle.”

“I can call them right now. I’ve taken Alexis and mother there a couple of times. Great couple that runs the place.”

 The rolling hills of upstate New York provided a welcome relief from the monotony of the urban canyons of the city and the rows and rows of houses in the suburbs. The fall leaves had just passed their peak but there were enough hold-outs that there were some splashes of color amongst the evergreens and barren trees.

Castle had convinced her to drive up early on Sunday morning. She came by the loft at 8 to leave.

 “We cannot go on a long car ride without sustenance,” Castle said. “Let me fix you some breakfast.”

“Alright, Castle,” Beckett said. “Thanks.”

 Shortly afterward he put in front of her scrambled eggs and toast, pancakes and bacon almost like she had when she stayed at the loft after her apartment was blown up.

She ate her fill while Martha and Alexis had come down to share in the breakfast and then the pair left with hugs and goodbyes.

Beckett could feel herself getting closer to the Castle family almost like she was already a part of his inner family circle. She wasn’t resisting as much as waiting to be healed. Her talks with Dr. Burke had helped her to understand the myriad of feelings she had about her mother, her life, her loves and most importantly, Castle.

They made their way through the town, Castle giving the final directions to the B & B.

Entering the B & B reception, the owner looked up and said, “Rick Castle! It’s been a long time. How are Martha and Alexis?”

“Doing great, Ron,” Castle answered. “Martha has an acting school going and Alexis is now a senior.”

“Alexis a senior? I can’t believe it.” Yelling toward the back, “Jane, guess who’s here?”

A lady in a colorful apron walked from the dining room. “Rick, oh it is so great to see you.”

“And you brighten my day, Jane,” Castle answered as she hugged him.

Looking at him Jane said, “You look great, Rick. And who is your friend.”

“I’m sorry,” Castle answered. “Ron and Jane Seymore, this is NYPD Detective Kate Beckett. Kate, Ron and Jane.”

As they shook hands, Jane looked over at Castle, “NYPD hmm. Have you been a bad boy, Rick?”

Castle laughed, “No, Beckett keeps me in line.”

“As if that was even possible,” Beckett snarks.

Jane laughed, “You know Rick well, Detective.”

“Call me Kate.”

“Okay, Kate.”

Jane pondered for a minute then asked, “Kate Beckett. Hmm. KB. Are you the ‘KB’ Rick dedicated those books to?”

“Well …,” Beckett stammered.

“My wife is a big fan of Rick’s work,” Ron interjected. “Every time he’s here she’s trying to get scoop on the next book or his next project. I think she’s a pest sometimes. Poor Rick comes here to relax and unwind and he has my wife all over him. I suppose I could get jealous but Rick told me he met someone extraordinary.”

“Ron, Jane isn’t a pest,” Rick disagreed. “She’s just a fan and I love my fans.” Chuckling he continued, “Platonically, of course.”

“Castle, you’ve been here before?”

“Oh yes,” Jane rejoined. “He’s come up here every summer for many years. You came last year but not the year before.”

“I was getting back with Gina at the time,” Rick answered. “She’s not big on B & Bs.”

“For many years it was just you and Alexis in adjacent rooms,” Ron continued. “I thought she would be with you this time.”

“Nope. She’s in school.”

“What grade is that cute redhead in now?” Jane asked.

“Oh, she’s a high school senior.”

“Senior?” Jane asked dumbfounded. “I can remember that precocious little girl asking about this and that. Has it been that long?”

Chuckling, Castle answers, “Yes it has. But imagine how it is for me seeing it up close.”

“Hmm.”

“So what are you up here for?” Ron asked.

“We’re here to see a judge,” Castle answered.

“Are you two getting …?” Jane continued.

Simultaneously Beckett and Castle answered.

“No,” said Beckett.

“Not yet,” said Castle.

The partners looked each other in the eye smiling and then Castle turned to Ron and Jane.

“So what ARE you here for?” Jane asked.

He started the story of the case that ended with the explosion at the New Amsterdam Bank. As Rick weaved his story for Ron and Jane, she stood there watching his movements punctuating points. His movements letting the couple focus on him instead of his muse. He understood the healing that Kate, the introvert, was still going through and how painful being the focus of attention would be for her. She was thankful for his intuitive actions to meet what her still healing psyche wants and needs even though they weren’t a couple.

“Yet,” she thought. “Aren’t a couple yet, I hope.”

While he continued with how he sent Morse Coded messages to the NYPD outside the bank, she looked at the man that she’d grown to respect and appreciate. She wondered at how he could make anyone feel at ease. And how he was “down to earth” with these people who would never have the money or fame that he had. How he didn’t act like some pretentious ass. But he never acted that way at the precinct either. He treated this couple who could do nothing for him like the most important people in the world right now. While he had his faults, he is a good man, a gentleman.

Then she remembered, when he was a child he was a person that had little. He wasn’t rich and famous, he was just an un-rich, un-famous illegitimate child of an unmarried, underemployed actress. For most of his childhood, he was very poor.

He treated unknown people kindly because it wasn’t that long ago, he was one of them, too.

She came out of her reverie as Castle said, “We were hoping to drop off our bags in our rooms.”

“Sorry, Rick,” Ron answered. “They’re not ready yet. We can hold your bags while you go out.”

“Yeah,” Castle answered. “That would be great. I wanted to show Beckett the falls before the light fades too much.”

“Okay,” Ron responded. “You leave them here and either Jane or I will put them up in your rooms.”

“Thanks Ron. Jane. Beckett, let’s go exploring.”

Castle turned to his partner and extended his arm toward the door. His hand laying on the small of her back directing her out of the B & B back to the car. As they walked to the cruiser Beckett asked, “Exploring Castle? Where are we going?”

“Not far, I’ll direct you,” He responded.

Beckett started the car and Castle instructed her where to go until they came to Buttermilk Falls State Park. Castle paid the parking fee and Beckett found a place to park. They walked the short distance to the lower falls area. There they found a large pool roped off for swimmers to enjoy the water in the summertime. Being fall, the pool and lifeguard chair was empty. People in singles and small groups walked the stairs on the far side of the falls.

“I’d come here just to for a change in perspective,” Castle answered Beckett’s unsaid question. “This was a place that mother would take me to when she was in plays in one of the nearby playhouses. It’s cheap and a good place for a young boy to play without getting into too much mischief.”

“I’d say it didn’t stick,” Beckett replied smirking.

“Touché, Detective,” Castle smiled. “Touché.”

They crossed the stream coming out of the pool and climbed the steep stairs on the other side. At each of the several landings, they caught their breath as they watched, mesmerized, the water cascading down the multiple steps of the falls.

“There’s something peaceful about falling water, isn’t there, Beckett?”

“Hmm.”

“It returns us to something in our prehistoric forerunners,” Castle mused. “Water is essential to life. Its movement shows a passage of time reminding us of our finite existence but still shows us we all have a promise for the future.”

They continued up the stairs silently. Castle scanned the scene before him. Beckett could hear him breathing deeply not entirely due to the strenuous climb.

Castle sat down on the wall beside the staircase and watched the water cascade down. Beckett climbed a few more steps above him and also sat on the wall. They sat in silence, watching. Beckett dividing her gaze between the falls and the man she was having growing feelings for.

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, the water gurgling as it trickled down. Then, Castle finally stood up. Smiling, he turned to his partner, “I want to show you another place that Alexis and I like, too. Come on.”

He hesitated, wanting to hold his hand out to her to hold but realizing part way that they weren’t there yet for that type of intimacy.

To break the awkward moment he diverted, “I remember when Alexis was 2 or 3 she jumped down each one of the stairs here. I held her hand as she jumped but she jumped nevertheless. I can remember her saying ‘Daddy, look how high I jump’ as she leapt from one step to the next. There are times when I miss that little girl full of joy and wonder.”

Beckett smiled at him but did not speak as the pair went down the stairs. She knew any words she said would just spoil the moment with Castle. Part of her was frustrated with herself that she hadn’t fully healed from the shooting. But then she could hear Dr. Burke’s voice saying she needed to be patient with herself, that the healing process takes time and cannot be rushed.

“There were times that it was just the two of us, Alexis and me,” Castle started as they reached the bottom of the steps and crossed the footpath to the parking lot. “I can recall a time, it may have been the first time we came here, she was in her little two piece bathing suit, one shoulder strap falling down, running from me, excited to get into the water. Another time, maybe when she was 9 or 10, she came up to me where I was sitting, her arms wrapped around herself, her lips blue and her whole body shivering after swimming in the cold water.”

“You have pleasant memories of being here. And you loved being a dad.”

“Yeah,” Castle mused sadly. “The memories are reminders of the parts that I miss. Now she’s too old to have a ‘daddy’. Now it’s just ‘dad.’ And in just a year, she’ll be going away to college.”

“You’ll always be a ‘dad’, Castle,” Beckett answered as she unlocked the car. “Daughters still need their dads, even when they are adults. I still need mine.”

“Thanks, Beckett,” Castle smiled ruefully. “Good to know.”

As they sat down in the cruiser Beckett asked, “Where to now?”

“Another falls just to the northwest.”

Beckett drove through Ithaca to the northwest on highway 89 along Cayuga Lake. They went a couple of miles before they passed a parking lot.

“Stop here, Castle?”

“No, keep on going just a little while. The next left.”

Beckett drove up a steep incline and wove around the curving road until another parking lot appeared.

“Park here,” Castle said.

Beckett parked the car and the pair got out. They walked a short distance to the visitor’s center and beyond was a stone paved path way leading to some steps down.

As she approached she looked over the wall and saw it, “Oh my god, Castle. That’s magnificent.”

“Yeah,” Castle said looking directly at her for her expression. “That’s the same look Alexis had the first time we came here.”

He turned away from her and started for the overlook. In front of the pair was the impressive Taughannock Falls.

“These are one of the tallest single drop falls east of the Rockies,” Castle described. “It’s more impressive in the early spring with the snowmelt.”

“It’s still magnificent, Castle.”

“I’m glad I could be here when you saw it for the first time,” Castle smiled.

Being late fall, the leaf peepers had moved south for the autumn leaves. There were still a few stragglers around but there weren’t as many people as there would be in the summer or fall color peak.

Beckett stood in awe of the 215 foot tall falls, a few evergreens framing the top around the barren deciduous trees. A few still had some color but it had definitely faded by this early November Sunday.

The pair was silent for a while. Then the giggling of a group of women was heard. Castle turned to look up at the eight women descending the stairs to the overlook.

“Jason Bateman?” one of the group asked.

“No, I’m afraid not,” Castle chuckled.

Looking closer, the woman said, “No, I guess not. But while you’re here, could you take our picture? We’re a bachelorette party.”

“Sure,” Castle said as the woman handed her phone to him.

Castle walked up a few of the stairs so to get the women and the falls in the picture without it looking like the falls was dumping on their heads.

“Okay, on the count of three say ‘fuzzy pickles.’”

The women laughed.

“1, 2, 3,” Castle said as he took the picture. He took a second one for good measure for the women and handed the phone back.

As the women climbed the stairs, Beckett asked, “Fuzzy pickles?”

“Yeah, Alexis picked that up from someone in preschool and it has stuck with us since. Something different from the pedestrian ‘Cheese’.”

Beckett smiled and thought how this was just another little indication on how much a good dad, a great man he is.

Smiling, Beckett teased, “Perish the thought that you’d do something pedestrian, Castle.”

“You wound me, Detective.”

Turning to look down at the gorge Beckett asked, “How do you get to that viewing area?”

“We passed it on the way here. We go back to that other parking lot and the trail starts there.”

Shortly they were at the parking lot at the end of the gorge. They started to walk up the trail when they saw a couple, obviously just married, in their wedding attire. Two other men in tuxes were beside the couple. Two still camera men and a videographer were taking their pictures in front of the lower Taughannock Falls.

“They’re so obviously in love,” Beckett said looking at the happy couple. “You can tell when they look into each other’s eyes. Their body language shows a level of comfort of a couple in love.”

Beckett turned to Castle and looked into his eyes. Anyone with half a brain would look at Beckett and Castle and see the exact same thing.

As she turned away from him, embarrassed, Castle said still looking at Beckett, “Yes, you can.”

They continued down the trail toward the main falls walking close enough to hold hands but not doing so. Their shoulders bumped occasionally but neither minded in the least.

They reached the clearing on the trail where there was a footbridge crossing the river to the viewing area. A couple of photographers were snapping away at the falls. The pair walked the few feet to the end of the trail. A short wall around the viewing area had couples taking each other’s pictures with the falls as a backdrop.

“Beckett,” Castle asked. “Why don’t you sit on the wall and I’ll take your picture.”

Beckett looked at Castle and turned sideways so he could get an almost profile picture of her.

“Could you take one with my phone, too?” Beckett asked as she handed it to him.

Castle stepped back and took another picture of Beckett. He handed it back to her, saying, “Here.”

“Thanks, Castle.”

Castle smiled at her with an understood and unsaid, “You’re welcome.” Then he sat on the wall and breathed in the fresh fall air. The pair sat in silence for a few minutes and then got up.

“Let’s go, Castle,” said Beckett. “I’m hungry.”

They proceeded back to the cruiser and Beckett unlocked the doors. Looking over at her partner, she said, “Thanks, Castle. For showing me these places that are special to you and Alexis.”

Smiling over the hood of the car, Castle answered, “Always.”

A/N: Just a one-shot. I was at both of these falls recently. This story is based on what happened while I visited them. Also, I took the pictures.

[mistyeyedpea]

This is gonna sound maybe weird.. but do you guys ever think about the earliest memories youve had?

I remember alot.. from very young.

But one day, i wanted to see if i could somehow try to remember my birth, by going into a very deep meditative state (what i was intially trying to do was remember and connect with any past lives)

i have described myself often as feeling "much older than i appear" and "ageless yet ancient" so i wanted to see if i can tap into that feeling and retrieve any information, memories etc

I dont know if many people know this, but i was essentially a miracle baby. It was by my mothers decision to keep me that i am here. She knew i was defective in her belly. And she still kept me and saw it through with me. When the time came for me to come into this world, it was not like a normal term baby. My birthday was supposed to be January 14, 1995.

Instead, i was delivered on December 10, 1994 at University Hospital via C section.

What i saw and experienced during this was exactly what i was capable of in that time i was born so keep that in mind... however I FELT EVERYTHING. From the moment i was born, i too felt the pain. I also felt my mothers subconscious worries and fears and my fathers restlessness. I can feel so much i cannot even describe in a way that anyone could comprehend but tears rolled down my face at the intensity of putting myself back in that slot of time. Everything was loud, bright... my vision reminded me of when you cried so hard and your vision turns to blurry blobs...

But i could feel the pain, and anxiety in the room

Sometimes i think about that and how funny it is, that i always felt like in some way i was always defective and inconvenient... as i was made to feel alot of my life.. like i was always a difficult thing to deal with. This theme has followed me... but i wonder if childbirth trauma such as immediate pain, surgery, and isolation can do that to you???

In the same respect, however, my birth reminds me of how much raw emotion humans possess and how much information is encrypted in those emotions.. and just how much i was able to absorb once i was outside the womb.. however hypersensitivity has always been a theme in my life.

I did eventually get to the past life stuff, which was weird, but hard because getting past my birth was no easy task! There was also the question of "is this my imagination"...

I had to remember before my time in the womb, which is just listening to the inner workings of a body and muffled visions and sounds.. the entire experience felt like real time, but reminiscent.

I was able to "remember" what i believe was one of my past lives. I was a man, working at a farm that looked like a vineyard, with my wife. I had children.

The era of time which i remember seeing bathhouses..

We grew old. She died in my arms with my whole family surrounding us. I remember my heart felt like a gapping hole. Dont remember anything after that. Stopped there as that was as much as i could handle at the time.

Anywho. Reprocessing things is like rewatching a movie and catching things you didnt quite put together before. But then it just keep making more and more sense.

Like i was always instinctually attracted to women? Was that bc of a past life?

I was going to make an "existence is pain" joke but it pretty much has been and the fact that i have felt EVERYTHING since i was a BABY should be HUGE INDICATOR of my AUTISM and i just dont get how i can remember things from my childhood and even crib time so vividly.

Funny how things just *make sense* in the mind of a mindful autist. I always practiced mindfulness even as a child. I had a facination for monks, particularly, and dived very deep into spirituality at a very young age. But human behavior also fascinates me and often used spiritual practices to help facilitate my healing.

[themaddocta]

The 3 most difficult questions I’ve ever been asked: What is the meaning of life? Do you know how to file taxes? And, why medicine?

For anyone going into a career in medicine, you can never escape, why medicine? To be fair, it’s a solid, more or less appropriate question. If you are going to dedicate years and years of your life, pouring blood, sweat, and tears into studying, late nights, and countless moments of self-doubt… you know what you signed up for.

Sounds kind of dreary, doesn’t it? Like I am ready to sell my soul. To be honest, if it came down to that, I probably would. This is a question I love to answer but at the same time, feel that oncoming dread and dead weight when it’s asked. Is there any better reason to go into medicine than to save lives and use your healing hands for the ultimate good of the people? To be the hero that everyone needs and loves? Well, duh. Seems like the “right” answer, but is it really that simple?

Maybe it is too obvious; medical schools seem to think so. Of course you want to help others, what else would you expect of a doctor? When I think about this loaded question, there is a lot to consider. What’s the recipe to make an exceptional doctor? The first words someone might say are: dedication, compassion, and selflessness. I never gave it much thought as a kid; my pediatrician was kind and just wanted to help me. I thought that was all it took.

When I turned 8 and starting experiencing more health problems and seeing multiple physicians at any one given time, I began to realize it might take a bit more than kindness and hard work to be the kind of doctor that can connect with their patient and give them the best healthcare.

I was seeing a doctor for an esophageal sphincter issue in my stomach. For those of you who aren’t familiar with anatomy, the esophageal sphincter, sits towards the upper opening of the stomach. It helps with controlling food entering the stomach and then keeping the digested food from coming back up. Mine, for some reason or another would not open and close properly and it became hard to keep food down any time I would eat. At the time, I was seeing this very kind, sweet woman who helped me understand why I needed to get more diagnostic tests and why I had to visit the hospital so much. She made me feel safe. I began to love her. She made every test I had to go through seem fun and not one bit scary. One day she told me that she would not see me for a couple months since she decided she was going to be a part of Doctors without Borders and treat patients free of charge. I was blown away. Someone could be that selfless? A wave of awe and inspiration swept over me. As an 8 yr. old kid, I firmly decided right then: I am going to be a doctor.

As one of the first moments of my life I can remember, I was inspired and knew I was destined to be great. This was the first time I found another component of what made a doctor great: selflessness. As the years go by, I have had physicians who were great and some who were not. Some physicians, even if they were so knowledgeable in their practice, I felt they were not the physician I wanted or who genuinely cared about me and my health.

I noticed more and more growing up, that unfortunately some physicians care more that they know more than you. This brings me back to a long, dreary, upsetting night junior year in high school, circa 2013. I was stuck on bed rest after having an angioplasty procedure on my kidneys. I have renal artery stenosis, a condition where my renal (kidney) artery was narrowed due to an abnormality in tissue/muscle growth (fibro-muscular dysplasia). The procedure was not an invasive one, however, sending a catheter up my thigh to my artery to blow up a balloon which widened the artery was rough on me. I was visited by the senior resident doctor; you could tell she was a more seasoned physician. She was not as finicky as the medical students and she had this cool, collected air about her. Mind you, I’ve already been poked and prodded for constant blood draws every half hour and I was exhausted. Coldly, with no emotion, just this dead stare, she asked me how I was. I told her the pain I was feeling and how it was farther away from the incision site; how it was so odd. She looked beside herself and claimed I didn’t know what I was talking about, like how could I? I didn’t go to school as long as she did and she supposedly knew everything that was right or wrong. My heart dropped. I felt discouraged. Hurt. Disregarded. Confused.

How could a physician tell me my pain was not real? That it was made up? Really? I’m pretty sure I felt that sharp pain in my lower back and hips. Give me that wellness chart, I’ll point straight to the pain scale at a 10, with that super unhappy face. Empathy. Understanding. That’s all I wanted and what any patient would ask for. This was another ingredient I could add to my growing list to become my ideal physician. Let’s recap! We want… a cup of dedication and hard work, a cup or two of compassion, and a generous dash of selflessness and empathy.

Skip a few years and at this point in time, I’ve been accepted to a great school, University of Washington Bothell, working towards a molecular biology degree while completing pre-requisites for medical school. Even with the bad experiences at the hospital that night, I still had the most drive of all my friends to keep going; despite all the difficult coursework (and the many more to go). Up until this point, all I could answer as to why I want to be a doctor is that I want to be a selfless, empathetic, compassionate individual who wanted to make a difference in the world and work diligently to save lives.

But present day me realizes my answer has yet again changed. It wasn’t that the ingredients to the perfect, exceptional doctor had changed, it was the realization of what I could do and what I was able to do with the medical degree once I received it.

It’s 2018 and by this time I have done an amazing internship with the COPE Health Scholar Program at Swedish Medical Center in Issaquah and a shadowing fellowship program with Atlantis Fellowships in Madrid, Spain. I was finally able to see the clinical side of things, from the physician and healthcare team perspective, rather than the patient perspective. I have seen some incredible procedures and at the same time, I was able to observe different healthcare systems and the true inner workings of a hospital.

Throughout my rotations at Swedish Issaquah, I learned standard hospital policies, and of course the different codes on the floor. Blue: Patient needs resuscitation. Amber: Missing child. Gray: Aggressive person. Red, orange, etc. What I was most fascinated about though, despite surgical and other medical procedures, was the interactions among staff and interactions between staff and the patient and their family.

There was a unique incident between a physician and their patient. This physician had two patients with Alzheimer’s and was rounding on these two patients in the ICU. I was passing by the patient’s room, doing rounds as well and logging vital signs for the entire floor when I heard something along the lines of, “You don’t know anything! I’m the one who’s the doctor, just listen to what I say. Let me do my job and fix you”. I was shocked, not only because that was unprofessional, it was way out of line. As a frequent patient myself and that one incident years ago, I felt the patient’s pain; their shock. I walked in a bit after, nodding to the patient and gave their hand a comforting squeeze. I did not have Alzheimer’s, but I can understand from a disabled person’s perspective. No two patients with the same condition will ever share the same exact experiences, whether it be medically or emotionally. Their pain, feelings, and experiences are real. No one is allowed to tell you your experience is unimportant.

What bothers me the most about this incident and healthcare in general is, “let me fix you”. For that patient and for myself with my renal condition, I have fully accepted that this condition is what I live with. My condition is not life-threatening and even if it came to be, I have come to terms with it. I am not a problem. Tell me how to cope with it and manage it day to day. It’s still astounding to me that physicians cannot and will not look past the medical chart. How are we as patients supposed to put trust in our healthcare team when all they see first is what’s on the chart? To see my condition and disability first without knowing me? If a patient cannot put their full trust in you to share every symptom and experience, no matter how phenomenal a physician you are, you will not be able to give the best care for your patient.

It takes so much to be a doctor. There are so many expectations, and even more demands. I think for the most part people can understand that. But when it comes to the question of “Why medicine?”, it does not elicit one, singular reason. As I grew up and began my undergraduate studies with hospital visits sprinkled here and there, I have so many greater reasons to “why medicine”. Yes, without a doubt I want to help people. No question. But I want to help them by being the empathetic, selfless, kind, and genuine person who wants to stand by their side in their darkest and bleakest times; to be their pillar. I also want to be the doctor who works towards a more collaborative healthcare team, putting hospital politics and egos aside; reminding myself and my team that the patient comes first. I may not be a doctor yet, but I am 100% positive I know what it takes to be a great one.