#hopefully this month's one won't be
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Cherik resurrection 2025
1. Left out in the cold
This was not how Charles had thought the night would go. He was supposed to be forgetting the stress from his thesis and the legal battle with his step father by drinking, flirting, making out and finding a comfortable bed of someone else’s to crash on. And he had been doing pretty good on that plan until ten minutes ago! But now, he was stuck outside of some fraternity building after 1 am on Halloween night.
As the cold started slowly to seep into his skin and bones, Charles found himself wishing that he had dressed as a sexy librarian like he had originally planned. At least he would be wearing more clothes than he currently was as a cupid. He cursed Raven in his head as he sat on the building stairs, trying to gather enough energy for the long walk home.
At least he would get warmer as he started moving, he thought to himself, trying to pull the hem of the white toga lower, but not succeeding. He cursed Raven some more and then himself for letting her talk him into shortening the damn thing from the original length. It hadn’t been that long to begin with, but right now he would be grateful for every inch of extra cloth.
“Are you alright?” Charles didn’t know if it was because of his frustration or his slightly drunken state that he hadn’t noticed the stranger approaching. Felt his mind nor heard his steps. He turned to look up at the man with wide eyes and had to stop to take him in. He was tall and dressed in gothic clothing, with white shirt, deep maroon vest, dark trousers and a frilly white cravat. Instead of a jacket, he had a long maroon and black cape. Despite how covered the man was, the clothes left little for imagination, hugging and complementing his frame in the most delicious way. The man’s skin looked pale in the light of the street lamps and the sharpness of his cheekbones had been highlighted with some makeup. Maybe the unnatural paleness too, was a result of cosmetics.
His sharp eyes were staring intensely at Charles, his frown turning to a questioning rise of an eyebrow and suddenly Chalres realised that he had been staring for way too long.
“Ummm, yes, or no, I mean-” Charles forced himself to stop and think. Was he really going to bother this stranger with his unfortunate situation, even when there was not really anything he could even do about it?
The stranger tilted his head to the side and a small smile was tugging his thin lips. Well, Charles thought, there was no harm with unburdening his heart a little.
“Well, in truth, I have been locked out.” Charles explained and nodded behind him towards the house. The stranger glanced at the door and then back to Charles.
“You live here?” He asked and Charles hurried to shake his head.
“No, I was here to party. I was thrown out.” He said and when the vampire gave him a suspicious look, he felt the need to defend himself. “Which was not my fault, just so you know.”
The man seemed amused by his answer.
“Oh, is that so?” He probed lightly, with some doubt in his voice.
“Well, maybe slightly my fault.” Looking back, maybe his sultry behaviour in the party and slight drunken state might have compromised his judgement somewhat. But even then it had been a 10/90 situation. 20/80 at most! “But in my defence I didn’t know she had a boyfriend and she approached me. I learned that only after I had to dodge a drunken punch to the face.” It felt like he was making a court case for himself, but the stranger seemed to find amusement from his suffering.
“A trouble maker, I see” The vampire nodded with a small grin, before his look turned more curious. “Why are you still sitting here? You don’t seem so drunk that you can’t walk.”
“I’m just gathering mental energy to start the long walk home.” He had just stopped banging the door few minutes ago and the sudden shift in the night’s plans had caused him the need to take a moment to gather himself.
“How long?” The stranger queried and Charles shrugged.
“Thirty to forty minutes.” He sighed. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but had made peace with it as the conversation had gone on.
The vampire looked alarmed by Charles’ answer, consern colouring his voice.
“That long? While wearing that?” Charles noticed how the vampire’s eyes lingered on his exposed skin and without thinking about it too much, he stretched his legs a bit and leaned back on the steps.
“Something wrong with my costume?” He asked, feigning ignorance and smirking inwardly as he saw the other man swallowing thickly, some colour appearing on his cheeks, but barely noticeable. So it was makeup, Charles thought to himself.
The man managed to pull himself together in quite admiring time, however. Though his eyes still crept to glance at Charles’ body every now and then.
“That is a long way to walk in this weather and it’s only going to get even colder. Almost freezing.” He cautioned Charles,
“Really?” That dampened Charles’ mood somewhat. He supposed the alcohol in his body had been keeping him little warmer this far, but if the night was about to turn even colder, his journey home would be very unpleasant indeed. “Well, I’ll keep warm by moving.” He sighed, finally standing up and stepping down from the stairs. No reason to keep avoiding the inevitable.
The stranger watched him with intense eyes, and if someone had told Charles that he truly was a vampire, he might have believed them.
“You don’t have anyone you could call to pick you up? There is a phone booth just around the corner.” The man nodded towards the direction where the phone most likely was, but Charles shook his head.
“No. Everyone I know is having fun at other parties, who knows where.” Even Hank had for once in his lifetime agreed to join Alex, Sean and Armando for a long night of festivities. Wasn’t that just Charles’ luck…
“Then how did you get here?” The vampire wondered.
“I had a ride.” Charles explained, and continued before the other man was able to actually voice the new question in his head. “And I planned on getting one back in the morning.” That had never been a problem before, Charles thought sourly.
But there was no point crying over the spilled milk.
“I better get going.” Charles decided, nodding to himself and turning to look at the stranger, who was looking unsure now. “Thank you for your concern. I will be fine though.” He thanked him and walked past him, beginning his long and chilly journey home.
“If you need a place to crash,” The man’s voice made Charles stop and turn around in shock. “I have an extra mattress and live less than 10 minutes from here.” The offer sounded sincere, but Charles still couldn’t believe what he had heard.
The vampire seemed to sense his hesitation, because he hurried to reassure him.
“No strings attached.” He said, holding his hands up. “I just don’t want to hear in the news tomorrow about how someone found a cupid frozen to death.” Under the unserious tone, there was actual concern of Charles’ well being. But just to make sure Charles wasn’t going to be killed tonight…
Charles moved two of his fingers to his temple for focus and as carefully as he could in his slightly drunken state, used his power to look into the vampire’s mind and his intentions. Reading thoughts under influence wasn’t dangerous, unlike trying to control someone, which was the reason Charles hadn’t tried to make someone let him in before.
He was almost thrown out by the mental shields that rose up to meet his probing, like metallic security doors. There was a moment of alarmed surprise in the vampire’s face, but then realization. The barriers lowered themselves and the stranger gestured at his head.
“Oh, right. Feel free to check.” The vampire said and Charles was a bit surprised by the ready acceptance of his mutation. But with the permission, he scanned the stranger’s, Erik Lehnsherr, intentions and found no ill will there, only concern, protectiveness and intrigue.
Happy to know that he didn’t have to walk all the way home and that he could spend the rest of the night with this curious man, Charles lowered his hand and smiled at Erik.
“Sorry about that, I promise I didn’t dig too deep.” Charles assured, but Erik shook his head.
“Not at all. It’s good to know that you seem to possess some self-preservation instincts.” The cheeky answer made Charles’ jaw drop slightly. The nerve!
“You got an impression I didn’t?” He questioned, slightly offended, but mostly amused.
Erik shrugged, not looking apologetic in the slightest.
“Considering that you were stuck outside in that outfit because you were making out with someone else’s girlfriend. It crossed my mind.”
“I told you, I didn’t know!” Charles insisted, although some colour started to heat his cheeks. “And you are one to talk about outfits! You are the one wearing a bloody cape!” He accused, pointing at the said garment.
His attack against Erik’s fashion sense seemed to take the other man aback.
“What is wrong with capes?” He sounded almost offended, frowning as he took hold of the cape and lifted it up a bit with his right hand.
“What isn’t wrong with them? They make you look like a comic book supervillain for starters.” Charles pointed out and his arms crossed, but his tone was more joking again. And the same mirth was mirrored in Erik’s expression too.
“I rather enjoy having a cape. They give an outfit a slash of…” He paused and threw the cape, making it flare behind him. “drama.” Erik finished and Charles had to roll his eyes as he tried to hold in laughter.
“Here I thought you were all broody and mysterious, but I’m starting to realize you are actually just a dork.” He teased and was delighted when the man let out a full chested laugh.
“Additionally…” Erik said as he got his breath back and brought his hand on top of the buckle that kept the cape on his shoulders. It came undone like it was magic, or by mutation, and with one smooth movement the other mutant wrapped it around Charles, surrounding him in sudden warmth that almost made him melt. “capes keep you warmer.” The last part was murmured so close to Charles’ ear that he could feel the warm breath tingling it.
He would have been lying, if he said that his legs didn’t go little weak from it.
But, too soon Erik stepped back and gestured at the road.
“Shall we?” He asked and with a nod from Charles, they started to walk towards Erik’s apartment. The cape was slightly uncomfortable, considering that Charles already had wings and quiver on his back, but it was a small price to pay for the warmness.
“So, should I call you Dracula or..?” Charles asked after a moment of silence.
“Don’t try to tell me you didn’t find my name in my mind when you were digging around there.” Erik glanced at Charles with a smile and a raised eyebrow, causing Charles to cough from getting called out like that. Though Erik’s non-judgemental attitude towards his telepathy was quite refreshing.
“Sure, but it is more polite to ask about it aloud.” He said and offered his own hand. “I’m Charles Xavier, I study genetics and I have to say that you have a very groovy mutation yourself, my friend.” He started, leveling the playing field. Erik took Charles’ hand and gave it a firm but small shake.
“Erik Lehnsherr, engineering. And my mutation is magnetism.” He explained and immediately Charles’ mind was filled with dozens of questions he wanted to ask the other. But for now, he let Erik’s hand go and smiled even more broadly at the other.
“Well Erik, I feel like this is the start of something amazing, my friend.”
#modernish au#still have powers#first meeting#lost motivation towards the end#(^w^')7#hopefully you guys enjoy it nevertheless#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#cherik resurrection#charles is a cupid because of that one interview#and erik is a vampire because he needed a cape#this one was supposed to be for january#but i really struggled at the end#so it's a bit late#hopefully this month's one won't be#maybe..?
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/91c820e0f58659288de8d56c6f5df135/c6467b33b61487a9-82/s540x810/0d3ecd77fb4a135f97ef1e353e6c234da6fc7e60.jpg)
Almost
#zutara#atla#zuko#avatar the last airbender#katara#zutara fanart#Wip#First page of three is done!!!#Won't be sharing until I have the whole thing but I'm. So. Close!!!!!!!#It's been ages since I started this project omg#But it's worth it#Hopefully I'll get the chance to finish it tomorrow... Won't be making any promises tho#I've missed you guys and I can't wait to share this with you#Anyways I know it's ZK month (and all the content has been WONDERFUL so far) but I won't be participating. Sorry about that.#Working with prompts is such an amazing creative exercise but I know myself good enough to be certain that I'll never get past the first...#... prompt without coming up with seven different AUs and I can't deal with more of those right now lol#Like I've got this Blue Spirit! Katara and Painted Lady! Zuko AU on the works since last week or so. And more lore for the og BS/PL spirits#And also this S3 canon divergence AU... And another one... And another one...#And I need to work on them at my own rhythm otherwise I'll go nuts#So uh#Yeah#Love u all and I hope I'll get to share this one soon (if only to start on yet another comic. I've got ideas for two of them. Yay)#Dema out#(Sorry for the rambling I'm just anxious)#(Don't know why but I stopped caring a long time ago)
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a little update.. what i'm working on/prologue changes so far:
no prologue! it’s chapter 1 now
removed the option to leave clementine behind. you have to take them with you :3c
removed height options (sorry!)
in general, edited the cc to flow better
combat preferences have been adjusted-- all still the same but i've made it more obvious how each specialty works mechanically which will hopefully make fights more intuitive to win (or lose, if you want)
genderlocked the sibling. officially a Sister
edited a LOT of dialogue; hopefully it's an improvement and feels more natural
restructured the wraith fight so that it's consistent with the fight in blackwater. with the changes made to the combat preferences this should make the combat system overall cohesive now <- i'm still working on this currently but i am HOPING to finish it by the end of this month.
i have pretty much rewritten the entire prologue. wasn't my plan at the start but here we are... so things are quite different. but also the same. i also streamlined a lot of the choices & branches and cut/combined ones that i felt were just excessive.
i plan to update once i've finished making & importing these changes, and i will probably limit the demo to chapter 1 (previously the prologue) until i get through and edit chapter 2 (previously chapter 1) because i really don't want to have the demo be inconsistent for however long it takes me to get through the next edits. hopefully this will not take that long, and then i'll put chapter 2 & and part 1/what's already been published of chapter 3 back up. and then!!! i will move on to finishing chapter 3.
i know this probably isn't the update you all were hoping for but i'm excited for the next steps with tnp :-)
#ch1... is going to be a beast to edit but hopefully won't need as much as the prologue... hopefully....#i dont plan to completely rewrite it in the same way but uh. i didnt plan to do that with the prlg either so 🙈#hoping to update the end of this month or in september. the combat is taking me way longer than i thought#but im working on the 2 part branch first. the other one is mostly automatic successes with only 1 choice#so should go faster. im close enough that im getting very antsy LOL hence making this post#and i know importing will probably take a few days too once the writing is done#i want to update this month or september at the latest this is my accountability post#and i would like to get the demo fully rereleased by october but. we'll see mdnfkhgk
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[ID: an 11 panel comic featuring characters from the owl house. Panel 1- a cloaked Darius sneaking around a wall. panel 2 he peaks around the corner, saying "well? Did you retrieve...the package?". Panel 3 Hettie Cutburn (who has old Hollywood style text announcing "surprise Hettie Cutburn!" next to her) says "Darius! Of course! Took some digging but I found them eventually. Tell the boy I say 'hi!'". Panel four- she hands documents labeled "classified" to Darius. Later, Hunter (post timeskip) walks through a door in Darius' home, saying "hey Darius, hey Eber, I'm ba-". Next panel- Darius, Willow, and Eberwolf on the couch. Hunter says "...willow?", She replies "hey hunter!", he asks "what are you guys doing?
Darius says "oh nothing...except looking at pictures of you as a baby!" Holding up the documents from earlier. We see two pictures of a younger hunter framed like panels- the first is of hunter as a baby/toddler aged hunter freshly sprouted out of the ground with a blanket around him, covered in dirt, while the second one shows a young scout Hunter covered in bandages receiving his sprig plushie. Darius' narration reads "courtesy of Hettie Cutburn- she found the only surviving copy of your early life medical records and gave them to me". Willow says "aww, you were so cute!". The final panel shows Hunter looking embarrassed/stunned as Willow takes a photo of the documents, and Darius says "I'm considering it an early father's day present- so, thank you, Hunter". End ID]
MERRY DADRIUS WEEK!!! Thank you to @sergeantsporks for hosting! There's other prompts I wanna do but they'll probably be late (maybe I'll do them in bulk and upload them on the final day). Til then here's a silly comic!
#the owl house#toh#dadrius week#hunter toh#hunter deamonne#darius deamonne#won't tag eber and willow cause they're barely there#also i realize that op isn't really a fan of hubtlow i. literally forgot while making this the brainrot was so strong#it's not explicitly romantic though so hopefully it's not obtrusive. i know ships are allowed but i don't wanna annoy anyone yknow?#anyway this was 90% an excuse to draw baby hunter even though it was 90% me practicing drawing Darius#he's fun to draw! i just struggle w drawing him consistently but like. i do that w/ most characters from illustration to illustration#i finished this right under the wire. executive dysfunction and exams really got my ass#but it's finished now! not perfect but i haven't really made a proper comic since my final piece this year#on account of that one took me like 6 months#i needed comic recovery time 😭#also hope the ID isn't an issue for anyone since it's a bit spartan. i was trying to trim down it's length since a) it's long as fuck#and b) this fandom is- respectfully- whimpy as hell abt image IDs#but anyway yeah! happy dadrius week#and also happy fathers day if you celebrate!#i got my dad 'do androids dream of electric sheep' and he was really happy w/ that :]
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Day 1: WINNER!
Welp- here we go again!! Challenging myself to draw something HW2 related every day until we get a Help Wanted 2 trailer! ^^
First day I decided to go with the Cassie protag theory + Bonk-A-Bon cause I think Cassie deserves to hit things with a big mallet<3
#my art#chipillustrates#will I keep up with this one? Who knows!!#I've got other stuff I wanna draw so some days may be doodles while others are full pieces- and some in-between like this one!#just gotta wait n see! ^^#fnaf#fnaf fanart#five nights at freddy's#five nights at freddy's fanart#fnaf help wanted 2#fnaf cassie#fnaf bonk a bon#fnaf hw2#help wanted 2#fnaf vr#fnaf vr help wanted#fnaf vr 2#fnaf vr help wanted 2#I'm pretty confident that we're getting a trailer this month- so hopefully this challenge won't be as long as Fnaftober lmao#pre help wanted 2
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Yesterday, I published a Lena-POV one-shot to get it out of my head.
Decided I wanted a Kara-POV version as a ficlet.
Kara-POV is now long enough to just be ch2 of the fic.
Some should take away my keyboard 😭
#I have an AU one-shot I hope to get out by the end of the month I should be working on that!!#it's fully drafted though so hopefully the editing won't be too much. we'll see.#writing#mel stuff
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Hi. I've calmed down a bit, and I think it's better if I just take a break from Tumblr for a while. Right now, I don't feel the fandom to be the same chill and safe space as I felt it to be, so I'd rather take some time until I can feel comfortable again with posting. All my side blogs will be on hiatus too. I'm terribly sorry for any discomfort this may cause.
A deep, wholehearted thank you to anyone who reached out in the last hours in replies, asks and dms to share their support and love. Seriously, you can't imagine how much it meant to me, how meaningful every single message I got was to me. Yesterday I was really believing my blog didn't bring anything but negativity and hatred to the community; thank you for reaching out to tell me I was able to share a little happiness, too. Words cannot express how indebted I am to you; you made me feel again like the posting I made on my blog was worth it, for you alone.
I don't think I'll deactivate for the time being. The temptation is still very strong, but I've poured so much time and dedication and love on this blog, I don't think it'd be fair to delete it. I hope in the future there'll still be people who my posts can make happy.
Lastly, I want to apologize once again to the people for whom my posts evoked so many negative sentiments. I know it's impossible to avoid, but I'm still sorry that happened. I apologize to you.
Please, be kind to each other. Make some ss/kk posts on my behalf while I'm away :)
#I'm sad because in one year and four whole months I never skipped a day on aktgw-daily. And it was only 12 days till the 1000th Akutagawa.#I've been thinking about what to do to celebrate for forever.#And I'm sorry I won't be rewatching da with everyone. I was really looking forward to it so so much.#Worst of all the fifth guidebook came in the mail today. I was so excited to share it with everyone#But hey maybe now I'll be able to take some time to finally comment the fics I've been meaning to for so long :')#Hopefully I'll be back soon! Wait for me please. Think of Akutagawa for me#random rambles#And finally sorry for not being able to handle this more maturely. Please forgive me
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Sunday Snippet
okay, I finally have something to share again!! It's been ages but I finally have been writing a bit again for chapter 2 of "Can't we just see where this goes?" (this WIP has got HANDS 🥴) so here's a short snippet of that! I really really hope I can get it done and posted soon, I really underestimated how busy i would be for the past 2 months :')
[...]
The story sounds truly interesting, but Simon feels himself getting lost as he watches Wille’s face, the genuine interest and excitement he can see there. It’s nice, how he finally seems to have found something he is passionate about and it makes Simon once again wonder how Wille had ended up here, when just a year ago he had been in the middle of a business degree, going to classes with bags beneath his eyes and coming back with tension in his shoulders that only ever seemed to disappear in tight embraces and quiet shared moments stolen away from the rest of the world.
[...]
#gotta write one scene for this still but hopefully that one won't take me 2 months??#sunday snippet#yr fic
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unfortunately, i don't have a new destiel halloween horror fic this year, but reminder that i have an entire anthology horror fic series for you to read and get spooked by.
#destiel#deancas#halloween horror#i tried to write a new one this year#and i'm bummed i wasn't able to#but i'm soooo burned out and my brain isn't working#and i just found myself writing it to get it done instead of enjoying it#which obviously won't produce my best work#hopefully if i feel better in a few months - i'll post one then#have like - halloween in march or some shit haha#anyway sorry to those of you who look forward to them every october! i do too!#but thanks for understanding
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🔥🔥🔥
#ja'marr chase#cincinnati bengals#come on boys let's get our shit together!!!!!!#we are much better than we played on sunday!#hopefully because joe did some preseason stuff it won't take us a whole month to be good again#maybe it will just be the one week#and we'll raise to the level of our opponent#which we have done before after starting badly (san fran last year for instance!)#i've gotta be relentlessly optimistic for a minute here or i WILL start spiraling!#ugh i love ja'marr so good for a quote always
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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men are so disappointing in so many ways i know i shouldn't expect most of them to be dignified humans but it's crazy. i need to get over this guy he's making my sense of self crumble even faster than it usually does. like he's just so unlike my usual type and i'm pretty convinced he's stupid and slutty and not discerning whatsoever. not to mention boring like i know even if i did have a chance with him he wouldn't Get Me at all so it's a bigger waste of time that usual and i'm actually pretty tired of men in general and definitely tired of parasocial relationships because they drive me insane for months typically. thankfully it's only been like 2 weeks if that at this point. idk. sigh. i know literally virtually nothing abt him as a person and ofc liking any public figure who you know nothing about is only setting yourself for heartbreak and disappointment to begin with bc you already know nothing is gonna come from it but. in a way it's almost addictive to become obsessed with someone and not be looked at with the same level of scrutiny. i don't think anyone in real life would ever try to get to know me as much as i try to get to know people who i'll never even meet. lmao! but that's the thing... idk... i have a lot of love in my heart and it consumes me and i reject my pride usually when i'm into someone. i want to know more... like VORACIOUSLY consuming anything with information about them involved simply because i think knowing someone is a very deep form of love but of course you can never truly know anyone. not completely. and that scares me i think which is why it's always probably been easier for me to never really TRY to be with anyone or have anything real. idk. this turned into me psychoanalyzing myself real quick but SOMEONE needs to bc i need to understand what the fuck is wrong w me.
#like i'm not gonna lie and say i do this every time i'm even vaguely interested in someone. most of the time i'm just like 'ooo hottie'#and then save a bunch of pics before either the shame gets to me or i just stop caring and move on. happens quite a bit more than my#obsessive episodes. the worst one was absolutely the fact that i was obsessed with jeremy for basically 3 years and spent two hating him#simply because i thought i was owed anything. honestly i think i was just very very insanely depressed. that's probably why those#obsessive periods even happen to begin with because i have felt so so horrible like soul ripped out horrible the past few weeks lmao#and i think i'm just a grasp for any light in the dark type person like it doesn't even necessarily mean anything the person is just someon#i attach significance to them when i do this shit but i know deep down that i'm owed nothing and that i truly expect nothing#it's just nice to have a distraction from my life. and dgmw that doesn't make me any less schizo about certain details and happenings#like i'll still think that 'oh they're only doing that because i'm into them' or 'they only went here because it was related to something i#was thinking about earlier' and whatever else. i know what i am. i don't claim to be anything else. and i know it puts people off.#and that i'm not likely to get any better if i keep doing it. if it's even possible for me to get better. but idk. it's interesting bc i've#thought more about what my life means to me and the kind of person i am and how my brain works and how everything affects me#more in the past few weeks than i seem to have in the last 5 years. i think i'm really getting better at accepting hard truths.#time spent by yourself is still time spent with the world.... and the more i think... even if it's hurtful... i'm growing and changing all#the time. i don't think if this was 4 years ago i would've even acknowledged the fact that i can't write off on This Guy's zionism#and other things about him that give me the ick (hate that phrase but whtevr) like him playing that gay hogwarts game and being a nepo baby#like bro you have trans friends and supposedly always 'look out for the small guy'. he's also never dated a fat girl despite his mom being#kind of a trailblazer for fat women in the entertainment industry. there's always rumors of him dating literally ever costar he's ever#worked with i guess simply because he seems like that kind of guy. and to be fair he does LMAO#honestly i don't know if i believe he's a bad person but i won't sign off on a guy i like being boring and stupid. that's just me#i'm sure ppl reading this who also don't Get Me are wondering why any of this even matters and the point is that it kind of doesn't lmao#but it's my life and i typically choose to care about people who will never even know i exist. unpopular girl instinct i suppose. maybe i'm#destined to be unloved or something but for now i wear fantasies like a blanket. maybe one day i won't need them anymore. but i def#do not need to center my romantic ideals on a guy i would be embarrassed to tell people i'm dating if i were actually dating him. rough#now just give me a month to get over it and finish the 2nd season of a show i like that he's in and i'll be rid of it hopefully. we'll see
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Zayn tickets sorted!!! Thank you everyone with codes and info and good lucks I'm zo excited🥺🥰
#thank you zaynie for coming to SF first time a 1D boy has played here since Harry's first show#which I missed by mere months#on account of not yet knowing I would care#😭#(I mean big deal they always come NEAR here I am very aware of the privilege that is... its just fun to only have to go downtown!!#instead of far away somewhere!)#but also getting SPECIAL FIRST SHOW is a refreshing change from ugh lets rush through this one to get to the exciting one tomorrow in LA#which is very much the Louis approach to NorCal#hopefully there will be amazing streams and I won't have to do it lol ...but I suppose I am your back up I would never let yall be cut off#OUR show!
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UGH trying not to freak out too much about something IRL that's out of my control and most likely won't be too bad. Unfortunately the worst case scenario is flitting around the back of my mind, just lurking there to make sure I don't forget that it's a slim but real possibility.
#aristocratic witterings#work announced a change that will be going into effect in a few months#one that a survey they passed around last year showed no one wanted#but hey fuck us apparently#it is most likely only going to be an inconvenience that will take some getting used to#but the little evil voice going “what if?” in the back of my mind won't shut up#hopefully they'll elaborate soon so i can put this fear to rest
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internet was out for a couple days and now mom's got meningitis. december is off to a start
(to ease any concerns the meningitis is from her ivig treatments being done too much too fast so i have no risk of getting it but i also hate seeing her sick)
#we usually do it across 4 days but because of the holidays we had to do it over 3 and they sent us the 4 day order rather than the 3#so we had to double up one day and i think doing that was too much of strain and now she's sick :(#we have a 3 day again at the end of the month because of the holiday again so hopefully it'll be paced better and she won't get sick after#it's back to 4 day treatments after the new year at least tho her dosage is getting increased this month too. hmmm#and her rheumie wants to start her on some new meds maybe so it'll be interesting lol
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I'm hoping this next week will be better than the last. not much has changed really but at least I'm trying now. at least I'm working on making it better.
#I'm so tired and so stressed and I really did not do much at all this week#hopefully I'll manage to make an appointment with my GP soon#and I think I'll apply for a job... literally just one. I looked at over 1300 listings and that was the only one that I feel I could#do right now 🙃#it's very easy. I won't get it I think. but at least I'll try#oh and I need to call the therapist I saw last month. gotta wake up at 8am for that which is close to impossible for me. but I'll try#(wanted to do it last week but then I felt like shit so I didn't do it)#personal
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