#honestly really need to write something for this au
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elliezlils11utt · 3 days ago
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“you cant heal a bullet hole with a band aid”
summary: after Seattle you move to the farm to help ellie heal, yet she cant seem to let go.
pairings: mentally unstable!ellie x over caring!reader
contents: sfw? tlou au, no baby au, ellie isnt in a good place, ellie is an asshole, reader has no self respect, angst with some comfort. non sexual intimacy!
a/n: i had such high hopes for this and honestly its a bit shitty. i dont write angst. 🤷‍♀️
“Hey baby. How was hunting? Anything good?” The crease in your back straightens on impulse as you stand from the table. She stumbles through the door and kicks off her boots. Her eyes look down towards her feet. She ignores your first question and replies bluntly to the second.
“the usual.” good, this is good. some words are better than none.You help her out of her coat and hang it on the wrack. Her eyes meet yours for the first time in weeks, a cold no where behind them. The green looking into you. Her eyes flutter down your body and don’t leave, it’s almost judgmental look.
“Right. Uh- I made us dinner! You hungry?”
“You made dinner? You didn’t have to.” She sounds tired. So fucking tired. She plops down In the seat with a heavy sigh. She watched as you follow her to the table. “why’d you dress up?” She asks in her low voice.
you set her dish in front of her. “I dunno, wanted to look pretty. Is it too much?” You smooth out the nonexistent wrinkles in the fabric and flash her a cute toothy grin.
“yah, It’s not really ‘dinner-table-wear’, js wish you would’ve told me you were doing all this.” she sounds almost annoyed. Her voice laced with exhaustion. your smile slowly drops. ‘You can’t fix a bullet wound with a band aid’ you tell yourself again. Those words ring through your mind as you slide into the chair across from her. You just hum in response. Your girlfriend leaned back in her chair and folded her arms over one another. Her eyes fixed on you for a split moment before returning her gaze on the table. Another heavy sigh.
“look, im sorry. js tired i guess”
“yeah i know, i get it!! don’t be sorry..” you pick at your food mindlessly. Now it’s your turn to sigh. You grab her hand from across the table. Ellies eyes trace over your face, taking in all of you like she hasn’t in weeks. Her eyes trail down your eyebrows, to your nose, to your lips and back up again. Your grip on her hand tightens for a minute. She just looked at you for the first time again. For a brief moment everything’s okay. The sun shining through the sheer of the curtains, Joel in the next room playing guitar, your Ellie’s there giggling along with you, and the god forbidden name “Abby” doesn’t exist in your world. But of course that’s only for a moment.
“I didn’t mean to be like this, I’m just exhausted…”
“I know, I know baby. you still hungry? Or want me to run you a warm bath?” Her hand tightens in your own.
“A bath sounds nice.” She leans back in her chair again, your fingers searching for hers as soon as they’re gone.
“ok els, of course. Go change and I’ll run the bath.”
Ellie disappears into the bedroom, and you let the bath run as you clean up the forgotten dinner. Ellie’s finally speaking to you. Maybe a dinner wasn’t what she needed but just talking to you. You don’t even care about the dinner anymore, just happy your girl was looking at you again. Really looking at you. The dishes clank in the sink, & your humming the tune to a song stuck in your head.
“Bath ready?” Ellie’s deep voice spooks you. As you turn around Ellie’s in her sports bra and boxers. scars lace her body, enveloping the entirety of her. Her abs littered with battle wounds and bruises. A green and purple patch apparent on her lower abdomen. her body has been through so much. it pains you to see her like this. these scars aren’t something that go away. god these remind you too much of what happened in seattle. how serious her injuries were then. you told her they would leave scars. you knew they would leave scars, but i guess a part of you wished they wouldn’t. ellie didn’t deserve them. A frown tugs and your lips. She catches you staring and pulls the towel in her hands over her stomach.
“Yeah, should be. Tell me if it’s too hot okay?” without words she stalks to the bathroom.
you lean on the doorframe as you watch her undress. “Do u want me to join you? Or do you want to be alone right now my love?” Your tone is so soft, you speak to her as if she could break at any moment. because she could.
“Please don’t leave me alone.” She whispers.
“Ok baby. Of course. I’m here.” You slip off your clothes and slide into the tub & motion for Ellie to follow. She steps in and lays her back to your chest, sitting within your legs. The two of you lay in silence just enjoying each other’s presence. She speaks up after a moment.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole. I hate when I get like this.” there she is.
“I know, your going through a lot right now. It’s okay, I get it. Don’t apologize.” You wrap your arms around her. You can tell she doesn’t know what to say. How to explain herself. She feels bad for treating you unfairly but can’t seem to shake the words that describe how truly sorry she is.
“I guess I just feel guilty…” she trails off. “Y’know, for taking it out on you.” Her head tilts up so she’s half looking at you, her fingers tracing circles in the water. Responding to Ellie’s words is hard. Ellie lost her father, but you were there in Seattle. You were with her. You were the one who almost died for her. And you are the one here with her now. Whatever she’s dealing with you’re right there with her. You may not have known Joel as well, but the pain of seeing Ellie like this is like loosing her. Anything to help your girl.
“I can take it. I know you don’t mean it. so for you, I’ll endure it.”
silence.
she cant say anything to you. she feels she doesn’t deserve to. your too good to her. way too good. “you cant heal a bullet wound with a bandaid” you speak softly into her hair. “you dont have to say anything. i know. im sorry”
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corviiids · 2 days ago
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If i ask nicely, would you consider writing the core of Light and L character like you did for Shuake? (IT'S BRILLIANT BTW!! You're so galazy brain. I love reading any meta or just silly posts you posted here <3) because you mention Light a couple time in Akechi's part and now i need to know your thought on him and L.
(Also, about the death note wip you're cooking right now, is it a oneshot or multiple chapters fic? Im super excited for it!)
i ABSOLUTELY would thank you so much for asking and for your lovely kind words. and im sorry this took me seven years to get to i just kept psyching myself out.
here's the ren & goro post this ask refers to for anyone wondering. the 'core' refers to my answer to a writing meme:
26. What would you describe as OOC? [...] it's the same approach i take to language tbh particularly in pronunciation. once you understand how a language forms its sounds at a base level, you dont struggle with the accent on particular words, and you can encounter words you've never seen before and understand how they're likely to be said/spelled/etc. so once i learn to 'speak' a character they come more naturally. idk if that comparison makes sense to anyone else but it does to meeeee all this to say i think a character is ooc if they do or say something i cant reconcile with that core!
the death note wip is a multichap!! thank you for your interest!!! ill talk about it more once i've stopped tying myself in knots plotting it!! broadly it's a what-if type au which has led me to replot an entire series from scratch dont look at me
anyway lawlight below. i will say ive been really desperately wanting to do like a video essay or something about death note which would be a lot about L and light specifically and how i interpret their characters so ill try and not go toooooo insane in this post but maybe ill go more insane later. in a video. with my human voice.
(edit: i failed i went insane)
light - one-way road to the sky
ok let's talk about one of my favourite scenes of the entire series, which i think is widely not super well understood but honestly to me holds the key to light's entire character. it's right there in volume 1
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sorry, the only digital copy ive got on hand is the scanlation. for comparison the official print copy reads:
bubble 1: hey, maki, wanna party tomorrow with some guys from s. college? ten o'clock. bubble 2: yeah, totally! bubble 3: hey, can i go too? bubble 4: my mom isn't here yet? what's that nag doing, geez! light (thinking): damn... light (thinking): start looking around you... light (thinking): and all you see are people the world would be better off without.
this happens within the first 40 pages of the first volume. and it's like. haha hey light what the fuck? this is a totally normal scene in everyday life. people are talking about living their lives. nobody's done anything remotely reprehensible in this scene. and light's just walking through the streets experiencing apparently unprompted and quite extreme misanthropy. what's wrong with him
ok let's have a quick look at the first time we meet light in the anime.
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cool cool cool im gonna pivot again let's look at the first song (besides the overture) in the musical.
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ok rook! we get it! light yagami is out here like damn we live in a society time to kill people about it. this is news to nobody! we all know this!! that's what the series is about! why are we rehashing all of this
great. cool. awesome. let's look at all those scenes one more time. but this time don't look at light. instead let's look at the people around him
in the opening shots of the anime (after the shinigami world, which actually is much the same theme): news of brutal murder is narrated over establishing shots of tokyo. light is shown dead-eyed, going about his ordinary life, surrounded by random other civilians doing the same thing.
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in the musical, light isn't angry that murders happen. he's angry about the inaction and complicity of the ordinary people around him.
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these scenes aren't highlighting that light thinks crime is bad. we all know crime is bad. the point of these scenes is to contrast light's frustration and fury against the reactions of the people around him. here's what light yagami is seeing: we're surrounded with rot. but nobody's reacting. and then life just goes on. so suddenly all those completely normal scenes of people being concerned with the superficial details of their life aren't just normality, they're complicity. day in, day out. so the world is rotting, and to light, it seems that everyone is completely ok with that. that's just the way things are. and that disgusts and depresses him. on top of than that, it isolates him: he feels like he's the only one who sees or cares about this, that everyone dismisses him as naive, that no one else can be trusted, that everyone else is able to ignore something he sees as inexcusable. this is a sentiment he repeats again and again. it reads as arrogance, and it is, but it's also isolation - after all it's lonely at the top and just as lonely to feel like you're at the top even if you arent
can i talk about the iliad again? is that ok with everyone. im gonna talk about the iliad again
in book 1 of the iliad, the commander of the greek army insults achilles by publicly and unlawfully taking a prize (the girl briseis) who rightfully belonged to achilles. achilles reacts by withdrawing his troops from the army, dooming the greeks' campaign. achilles had a lot of friends in the army, so why would he essentially sentence them all to death for something that only agamemnon did? well, (because agamemnon did something publicly that everyone knew was wrong, and yet nobody was willing (or at least able) to stand up for achilles and stop it from happening. achilles, disgusted by the inaction of the bystanders, turned his back on all of them. fun fact i nearly wrote a mini thesis (an academic one not just a long post on tumblr) about the intersection btwn this book of the iliad and legal theory but law+classics is such a niche interdisciplinary field my professor couldnt find anyone who could supervise me so i couldnt do it. anyway that's not the point
is this right or fair? who cares, not the point. what im interested in is what that kind of behaviour says about the individual. light, like achilles, is a highly idealistic person. we all know that in the abstract, but take a second to really really dig into it, because it's actually quite an interesting fact about a character who is popularly understood as being cold and unfeeling or flatly psychotic and on a power trip. idealism isn't naivety, it's not optimism, it's not even really a happy thing. idealism is simply a firm belief in the way things should be at the cost of refusing or being unable to accept what is.
this is the core of light yagami to me. light doesn't become kira because he's cold or destructive or crazy. he doesn't actually even do it because he's spiteful or misanthropic. it's very much the opposite. he's misanthropic because he believes in the world so much. isn't that a great contradiction! ok here i'll show you some proof.
in an early scene (also in volume 1), light describes himself as an optimist and ryuk finds that interesting.
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so light is an optimist. he believes in a bright future for humanity. he wants to protect humanity. he likes humanity. no, he doesn't believe that people are inherently good, but he does believe in some goodness as a part of humanity and wants to protect the best of people, in an egotistical way:
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how do we reconcile that with a young man who walks through the streets listening to completely ordinary conversations by ordinary people and reacts by wishing death on everyone talking?
let's split out what's going on here. remember what's happening in light's head. light yagami is 17 years old. he grew up with a police chief for a father (in a fictional world where the police are the literary stand-in for law as justice so just pretend for a second that police are good im sorry), watching his father work tirelessly to fight crime - but crime continues, making this an endless, thankless task. and while crime continues, so does the world around him. every day light sees atrocities on the news, and he sees atrocities brought home, and then he lives his ordinary life and watches the people around him apparently not give a shit, only concerned with the petty details of their own little lives. bystanders watching wrong happen, selfishly unaffected. day in, day out. that idealism is getting colder the longer this unendurable injustice goes on. so achilles condemns his friends to death.
what human trait is being exhibited? realistically it's helplessness. would being miserable about crime help to end crime? of course not. people have to go on with their lives, that's a fact, it's even a strength. even light begins the series completely unable to do a thing about the rot he sees around him, which is part of why he's so depressed. but that's not what light is seeing. light is seeing ordinary people appear to choose not to give a fuck about injustice. the thing that's sparking his disgust is apathy, real or apparent. light yagami is an idealist. he wants a better future - a utopia that only he can imagine - something that can only happen if either everyone becomes as good as he is, or he takes control.
if you leave an idealist in an unwinnable situation for too long, their pure belief will start to curdle. it will not turn to realism. they will not accept what is. they will only become more and more bitter that what should be, isn't. they will become a cynicist. this is really the heart of my argument and ive made it a million times and ill make it again. idealism and cynicism are not opposites, they're not even two sides of a coin. they are two points on the same line which moves very quickly in only one direction. this is where i start when im writing him: how do i make someone who believes so hard that it's killing him? someone who believes so hard it makes him believe in nothing?
then we find the third point on that line, which someone can reach by gaining sudden power - for example, a magic notebook that kills people: radicalisation.
how do we reconcile his desire to protect humanity with the fact that what he's trying to protect against is also humanity? how can i say light loves humanity when he has such disdain for them? easy peasy: light sees himself as the messiah. my bumper sticker that says ask me about light's martyr complex PLEASE ask me about light's martyr complex i wrote a song about it ask me about light seeing himself as the sacrificial lamb on the (and then the bumper sticker cuts off)
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light loves humanity the way a twisted shepherd might love his sheep. something to be protected, but something beneath you that can't be trusted to know what's best for them. humanity is something he loves because it's endearingly pathetic, something to pity and save. repeatedly he refers to becoming kira as a personal sacrifice, something that costs him his soul but that he has to do. it's a delusion of grandeur driven by dual purposes of ego and some desperate wish to change a status quo he's been despairing about for years.
tl;dr: light believes with all his soul in something he thinks is impossible, and it's killing him slowly, and then a chance to change the world just falls out of the sky
L - isolate yourself until you can make believe it's just a game
steeples fingers. i have Things to Say about L Lawliet.
ok listen. listen. Listen. listen. are you listening? listen. in general i think people kind of misunderstand characters who are hyper-intellectual and/or behave unconventionally in social settings. you're all going to fucking kill me for this but i think there's a tendency to like... accidentally turn any character who falls vaguely in this broad category into sheldon cooper. god im sorry i feel like i just shot everyone's collective dog
specifically what i mean by that is that 'awkward' gets flanderised in a way that eventually becomes a caricature of itself, because there is so much nuance to actual social awkwardness that it's very easy to kind of pick a template and stick to it without really thinking about what makes that character 'awkward' and what the root and type of awkwardness is, unique to them. so instead we just get, like... generic big word user. generic driven by logic and logic alone guy. generic guy who doesn't Do Well with other people, for Smart Reasons.
here's a list of true things about L which i think are safe to say are uncontroversial
intuitive
logical, master of deductive reasoning
competitive
behaves in an odd way that draws attention
is aware of that fact
focuses extremely hard on his cases and only cares about being a detective not anything else
isolates himself and doesn't like talking to people partly for his own safety partly because it's boring to him
here are things i have seen in characterisation of L which i would like to dispute
makes decisions and draws conclusions based solely on logic and evidence
doesn't understand social cues
here's a list of alternate interpretations which i would like to propose and that i am willing to back up with evidence and/or by physically fighting over them
is driven primarily not by logic or evidence, but by incredible intuition which is supported by logic and evidence when it suits him
has a keen understanding of people, interpersonal relationships, and social norms
leverages that understanding frequently to his benefit
feels that he is not capable of / not a part of emotions that he sees as being typically human (see his speech about being a monster)
and yet in an abstract and self-contradictory and low-priority way still kind of desires connection, leaving him emotionally isolated
chooses to behave oddly on purpose, not because he doesn't realise he's behaving oddly, but because it is not a priority for him
those might seem like fine distinctions at some points, but stray slightly off the mark and his characterisation begins to vary wildly. for example, interpret L as being bemused or unaware of social cues, and one possible characterisation that may stem from that understanding (which i have seen) is that L doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes - which is demonstrably untrue. L demonstrates weak social skills because social skills aren't a priority for him, not because he doesn't understand social norms. after all he does a reasonably convincing 'i am a normal dudeguy' voice on at least two occasions (suzuki the information line guy and asahi the calling matsuda for drinks guy). even with the taskforce, when his behaviour is more of his usual bizarre self, he still makes the effort to treat them respectfully and meet them where they are, explaining himself when they ask, chatting with them, holding ordinary conversations. you can read this any number of ways but my point is that he can do all of this with relatively little struggle
it's also very much not the case that L doesn't have feelings or care about other people. he's ruthless and he's cool with causing people to die if he has to, but he reacts with visible distress to the deaths of the FBI agents, to ukita's death, to the prospect of other members of the taskforce dying. he does care, he's just not morally driven as a priority.
ok but if he can cosplay as Normal Dudeguy with no trouble then why doesn't he. why does he conduct all his business in dark rooms apart from the entire world forever. is it gauche to use a section of my own fic to explain my point? im going to do it anyway
It is easy to identify in Light what he has long known in himself. That little pearl of disruption, grown around an irritating grain of something just unique and tremendous enough to be uncomfortable to the more ordinary around them. L has hidden it by hiding himself. Light has hidden it by hiding within himself. L's black letter is to Light’s vapid smile is to Kira's invisible bullet.
(honestly a lot of what i have discussed here is also covered in this fic so in case this fucking three thousand word essay is not enough for you you can go read that.)
something L and light significantly have in common is that their intellect and unique way of thinking really set them apart from everyone in the world, which is incredibly isolating. but while L has the 'benefit' (arguably could be a detriment but i think he sees it as a benefit) of a unique upbringing which allows him to use his skills to their full extent without worrying about really anything else, light is very much trapped by social convention. while light's life is privileged and materially perfect, he's stuck inside what society expects of him, while L is able to exist completely outside that paradigm. the result is that light has retreated within himself and spends all day playing a part, barely tolerating the monotony and apathy of the world around him by mechanically performing as expected while smothering the part of him that never has an opportunity to truly come out until kira. L, on the other hand, has no reason to put up with a society that is, for lack of a better term, really just beneath him. so he retreats. remember that the first volume/chapter of the manga is called 'boredom'.
you can see that even in his comparatively limited interactions with the task force, he is having to exercise a level of patience to explain to them what he's thinking at every stage, to have to defend his methods, his instincts, his decisions, etc, needing to step through every stage of his reasoning so that the others can follow and won't object. this is NOT just about masking his odd behaviour, it's also very much about having to step through his morals and his process, which is second nature to him but is new to everyone else and needs explaining. it is visibly exhausting to him, and this is with people he actually seems to like well enough. eg during yotsuba arc when light and soichiro keep raising moral concerns, and he has those little "here we go again" moments (which i love SO much and are so telling of him to me) even though he doesn't let his frustration show. which is why he usually does not bother with it and prefers to work alone. he sits the way he does even though he knows it's odd, because he feels he need to sit that way. when light calls it out, he doesn't question that people will think he's strange, so he's clearly aware. he just explains himself.
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but if he were out with people on the regular, he'd need to defend himself constantly. the things L does are not conventional. yes the sitting is just an oddity of his so it's a good example, but it's not just the things that are odd that cause a problem: he frequently makes decisions which seem to make massive leaps of logic nobody else (except light) can follow, and often his actions are morally questionable or even reprehensible. all that is because L is extremely pragmatic and results-focused. it kind of doesn't matter to him how he gets from A to B as long as he gets to B. but the way his mind works is that he makes big jumps that make perfect sense to him but would draw curiosity or objection from anyone who doesn't think the way he does. it would be absolutely exhausting to have to constantly defend every strange or questionable thing he did, so he just retreats.
when he works with other people, i think it's worth noting that the team dynamic never actually struggles for L's awkwardness. this is something i really like about death note honestly - L is quirky and strange, but the series doesn't do that thing where it's like He's A Genius Of Course He's Rude To Everyone. he's actually not. for the most part, L is courteous, patient, and polite. he's sometimes blunt or abrupt, but he very rarely does the thing where he's obliviously cruel or brushes people off. he's considerate of people's needs, he's visibly compassionate of other people's emotional difficulties, and he very rarely loses his patience. when matsuda tries to tell the locked-up light about kira resuming activity, L snaps "Matsuda!" to stop him, and then immediately corrects himself to go "I mean, Matsuda-san." it would have been really easy for the series to do that tropey shit where he's so smart that he doesn't bother with politeness, but he factually does. he makes the effort to treat people politely even when he's not actually being kind. when he's asked to explain himself, the reader can see he's tired and annoyed, but he doesn't take it out on people. on the odd occasion he does make fun of someone for being slow, he does so in mostly light-hearted ways. so he is very capable of dealing with other people directly. his lack of social skills aren't for lack of understanding. he just can't be bothered. it's a waste of energy to try and behave 'normally' or to do things that other people find acceptable, whether that's due to social norm or common morality. it is so, so much easier for L to do things alone. without the need to explain or defend his behaviour to anyone, his isolation turns real world problems into something almost purely theoretical. so it really is like a game for him, at least at first.
whatever
i think it's really important for a character like L to not be fooled by the surface-level categorisation of 'smart awkward character'. we really need to find what's driving his awkwardness. it's not ignorance, it's not even really disdain, it's exasperation. he's tired of being surrounded by people who just can't keep up with him, and he does not have enough energy or interest to spend his time handholding everyone through his process, so he just does whatever the hell he wants and avoids people as much as possible so he doesn't have to deal with it.
look i know this is a really long way to say stuff that people mostly already know, but i think L is one of the most finely nuanced characters in the series because he looks like such a simple expression of a known archetype and the ways in which he subverts expectations are so granular that it's easy to completely miss them even while appreciating how interesting he is. the way this translates into how i write him is that he's polite and has a lot of patience until he simply doesn't, at which point he'll inwardly or subtly express that he wishes he didn't have to bother with this shit, that he picks up on fine social and emotional details that other people will totally miss, but that he'll always put his own whims and plans before anything else.
tl;dr: L behaves like someone who is constantly moving at his own pace and for whom dealing with people is rarely worth the effort, but this does not make him inept or unkind.
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amethystfairy1 · 1 day ago
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Hey I just need to go on a little tangent about ttsbc cub bc he resonates with me so hard. I totally didn’t pick up on the context clues of him being a mutant at all until it was revealed directly bc everything about him was just so normal to me. Like yes I also hate sound and light and need noise cancelling headphones to function. Even after the reveal I still relate to him a lot, especially still being able to hear people fairly easily even with the headphones on, and only really taking them off to talk with people for their sake and not bc I wouldn’t be able to hear them otherwise. On god nobody could ever sneak up on me. It’s exhausting and makes it hard to function but there’s something comforting about seeing that reflected in a character.
Also, like. Super Big Feelings about how good of a friend Scar is to him. The way he accommodates him without any question. As someone who desperately needs them I know DAMN WELL how freaking expensive a good pair of noise cancelling headphones are and if someone cared about me enough to buy a pair just to have on the rare one in a million occasion i forget my own when they hardly had any need for it themself? They’d NEVER get rid of me, frankly. Tbh as someone with invisible disabilities it’s hard not to relate to the struggles of undercity folk trying to function on the surface, desperately needing accommodations but being unable to ask for them. This series means a lot to me because it reminds me that my needs don’t make me any less deserving of taking up space, and that I deserve good friends who would accommodate them without question too, like scar with cub.
I’m sorry if this is all overly personal and emotional to drop in an anon ask lol, you obviously don’t have to answer this, I just figured it wouldn’t hurt to let you know that there was someone out there who felt comforted by your writing. It’s genuinely crazy how much quality writing you’re handing over to us all for free, and (pleasantly) overwhelming how much there is to read. I honestly admire you for that.
it ABSOLUTELY is not and you don't need to apologize! I'm so happy my writing means so much to you, and has shown you and helped you to remember you deserve every bit of love and care and the accommodation that lets you thrive! 💖
Cub is a Warden Mutant, yes, but he's very much written to be neurodivergent coded, and that's something that I wanted to have show through in his mannerisms...they also just so happen to overlap with how he's a warden mutant whoopsie 😅
A lot of the characters in TTSBC represent things from irl, and I did that intentionally (most of the time, I will admit a couple of them were happy little coincidences that I have fully embraced) but like...the thing is with my writing, I use it for an escape, a way to relax. It's very important to my mental health to do this sort of thing, and so while I want to make commentary on important topics, I don't want to bring them up flat-out and then have to grapple with them...if that makes sense? Not because I couldn't do it, or because I don't think it's important, but because my AUs aren't the space for that.
Not directly.
But indirectly? Through parallels and analogies and little things like a city separated by bedrock and people concealing parts of themselves to feel safe beneath a blue sky? Yeah...I think that's the sort of thing I can swing, and I like to think maybe that makes my little bitty attempts at commentary land easier 😅
Thank you so much for your sweet words!!!
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lunaroserites · 2 days ago
Text
What Couldn’t Be
Paring: Established Bucky X Fem!Reader (Sugar)
Summery: Just a snippet Sugar and Bucky. Part of the Sugar AU. Bucky has some pretty jarring thoughts about the future. Steve is a good friend. Bucky is absolutely smitten for Sugar. This is at the start of their relationship taking place before Too Sweet and Does Heaven Even Know You're Missing, and the Christmas Saga
Warnings: Bucky's POV, Talks of infertility (Male), Hydra, fluff, swearing, drinking, no use of Y/N, Not beta'd all mistakes are my own
This has been something I wanted to try writing about, I don't see many fics about Bucky being infertile, I feel Hydra would sterilize him, especially after that scene in TFATWS with Zemo.
Word Count: ~1000
Likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated! <3
Catch up with Bucky and Sugar: Read Too Sweet here and Does Heaven Even Know You’re Missing here
Part One of the Christmas Saga here, Part Two here
Tags: @hisredheadedgoddess28
Divider by @cafekitsune
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Hydra had done a lot of shitty things to him in the 70 plus years they had control of him. Some worse than others, some that in the grand scheme of things didn’t really matter to him. Sterilization being at the bottom of the list of shitty things they did. They did it because they would sell his body for intel and they didn’t want any unhappy accidents coming from that. 
It was at the bottom of the list because he honestly never thought he would have kids, never thought he’d find someone he would even dream of a future with. But here he was nursing a warm beer imagining owning a house upstate, a couple kids, Alpine and a dog all because he met you. His Sugar, the sweetest, kindest, drop dead gorgeous girl he was lucky enough to breathe the same air as. Who for some reason reciprocates those feelings. 
He was brooding, stewing in his own self pity at the bar in the tower after they got back from a mission. Steve could sense something was off with his friend, but wasn’t quite sure how to approach the situation. A glass of Tony’s finest whiskey was laid down in front of Bucky and Steve sat beside him. 
“Wanna tell me why you’re here nursing that warm piss water and not going home and crawling into bed with that sweet, pretty little thing that’s got you wrapped around her fingers,” Steve asked, sipping his own beer. Bucky’s phone buzzed as if in queue, you texted him wishing him a good night, telling him to be safe. He hadn’t told you he was back from his mission yet. 
“Can’t face her right now,” Bucky said solemnly, Steve raised an eyebrow and waited for him to elaborate. Bucky sighed and tipped the whiskey back, the day before he left for the mission, you two had been out enjoying a peaceful afternoon when you passed a baby and me shop, you had stopped and went inside, saying you needed to get a birthday gift for your best friends daughter who was turning 3 in a few weeks. You looked so happy and couldn’t stop smiling, picking up little outfits, before moving on, you found this toy thing that your god daughter wanted and said you’d be the number one auntie for getting it for her. 
Your family was also larger and you loved seeing your little cousins, watching them when you visited. He had seen pictures, and he saw how your face lit up when you would FaceTime them, or when you would see a baby in public, there was always a smile on your face. It killed him inside that he couldn’t give you a baby of your own that wasn’t at least half his. That earned sterilization a top spot on the list of shitty things Hydra did to him. 
“I can’t give her a family, a baby,” Steve’s eyebrows shot up at his friend's confession. The two of you had only been dating a couple months, but Steve knew Bucky was dead serious on locking you down if you’d have him. 
“Why not?” Steve asked, and the look Bucky gave him had his hands up in a placating manner. “Right, right,” Steve back tracked. 
“They had to take more from me,” Bucky wallowed. 
“Does she even want a baby of her own?” Steve, ever the pragmatic one, asked Bucky. Bucky looked at his friend, his brows furrowed. 
“What young woman doesn’t?” Bucky regretted the words as they came out. 
“A lot of new age gals don’t Buck, maybe she’s happy with just being an auntie,” Steve said. “Have you even asked her if she wants a baby in the future?” Bucky shook his head. 
“But I see the way her face lights up when she sees one, how happy she is to take care of them,” Bucky’s voice was sad. 
“She could just love kids, but might not want to have one of her own,” Steve reasoned. Bucky looked down at his hands and Steve clicked in on what was really bothering him. “You want one, with her,” Steve stated. 
Bucky nodded, his grip tightening on the whiskey glass in his metal hand, “never thought I would, but here I am, wanting one.” 
“Maybe Hydra stored some of your stuff before sterilizing you,” Steve said, Bucky looked at him like he was insane. “The government stored some of mine after the serum,” Steve’s cheeks flamed red, Bucky couldn’t help the laugh that left his lips. 
“Good to know punk,” Bucky mused, finishing his beer. 
“No, what I’m saying is, maybe Hydra stored some of yours for experimenting or some other fucked up shit,” Steve muttered, it was a long shot, but if it brought peace of mind to his friend he was willing to look into it. Bucky shook his head. 
“I won’t get my hopes up,” but he did appreciate Steve for trying. “I really should talk to her,” he said and Steve nodded. Bucky sighed and picked up his phone, dialling your number. “Hey Sugar, I’m back,” Steve could hear the happy squeal that left your lips as you chattered to Bucky, asking him if he was coming back to his apartment tonight. You were there watching Alpine for him. Steve could see the look of contentment and affection wash over Bucky’s face and it made his heart happy that his friend was happy. 
“I’ll be home soon Sugar, we’ll snuggle and eat some take away,” Bucky said softly, Steve was beaming at his friend and Bucky shot him a pitched look, mouthing ‘shut up.” Buvky hung up and sighed softly. 
“Talk to her, figure it out before it’s too late,” Steve said softly.
“I’m afraid it is too late, I’m in love with her, god I want to give her the world, watch her walk through it beaming as sunshine does,” Bucky said, standing and grabbing his coat. “See ya later punk.” 
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Please let me know if you want more, have questions or thoughts about Sugar and Bucky.
Search the tag sugar!au on the blog to find anything relating to Sugar and Bucky!
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pain-is-too-tired · 5 months ago
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asking shit again bc im bored and i love reading your ideas <3
would really love to know more about your ideas or hcs for borrowers au? no pressure, but im kinda hooked on the idea lol
Can't remember all I've already rambled about so forgive me if I repeat stuff but-
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Kronos and Minos have very different ways on how they handle borrowers but they are very similar in ways as well.
Minos of course likes to experiment on them. Test their endurance, resolve, etc. Idk if any of y'all watched Muppets From Space, but imagine that lab scene with Rizzo. Pretty much what Chris is dealing with but worse.
Kronos just likes to mess/toy with any borrowers he captures. Having Luke trust him to stay in the complex he owns is really him playing the long game really. Though he isn't as interested in just messing with Luke as he seems to have more of a odd fondness for him. More so like a pet more than anything tho.
Both also are not like by the ones living in the complex.
Which is just typical landlord and tenant relationship tbh hdgdf
But Kronos is pretty cruel to his tenants, is a way that he's probably treat them like he does borrowers of he could. The oldest of the tenants become ultra protective of the younger due to this.
When Luke tells Lee about him trusting Kronos means well or whatever, Lee immediately is like-
"It took him a week to get mold from out of the vents. Dude you are not safe with that man."
Thing is, Luke does slowly peice together that Kronos (and Minos) isn't good. But he's much too scared to do anything about it, he has a bad habit of thinking mainly for himself at times. He's far to scared of getting killed or worse so it's easy him just to stay in Kronos good side.
That, and Kronos tends to boost his ego. Makes it hard for him to think about how much the others around him are suffering.
The other borrowers, however, are not as willing to just take it.
Charles becomes ultra protective of those around him. Especially as one of their previous homes had been Gaea's, who had hurt and nearly killed Leo and Hazel.
Bianca is just as protective; given, again, Hazel had been hurt before. Causing her to be super protective of her younger siblings.
Also, struggle to decide which Percy and Annabeth would be for a bit, but I've decided have Percy as a Borrower and Annabeth as another tenant in collage.
Percy is also very protective in typical Percy fashion. Not just for his little cousins(Bianca, Nico and Hazel) but his little brother Tyson.
When Chris first goes missing, Percy's one the first to go looking for him, which leads him to getting caught by Annabeth. If course their first run in is tense but Percy slowly starts warming to Annabeth who's also still unsure what to make of him.
He also ends up being found by Lee after an argument with Luke leads him to get hurt by a snake they stumble on. Lee helps heals him and also precedes to chew out Luke next time he sees him.
Also. Borrowers 100% purr in my head. After being found and in healing, Chris is in a comatose state for awhile. Clarisse, Silena and Charles are all worried of course. But one day why they're checking in on Chris he just starts purring.
Silena and Clarisse are taken aback at first, but Charles is immediately ecstatic. Purring is a good sign he's getting better!
Had to draw it of course-
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0m3n-0f-d3ath · 28 days ago
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Princess Lily
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estellardreams · 14 days ago
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Some Prisoner Trio related stuff that idk where else to put.
First was actually a scrapped two parter because I literally didn't know where I was going with this. I think I was gonna go down the idea of "King Red gets so sick of TT Red resisting that he just starts flat out scarring him however he could (my first thought went to ice ocean water)" but then I just... Forgot. Oops.
Second... Post Prisoner Trio. These three are SCARRED. And this is only scratching the surface, quite literally.
If you had to base the time frame these three were under... My mind instantly went to at least two years under King Red. And YIKES did it get brutal.
Unsurprisingly Macaque got the least amount of damage. Sure the fillet became an issue from time to time but he usually did the work. Meanwhile Wukong and Red continuously resisted, and since King Red probably hates Wukong WAY MORE than his past self, especially after the monkey king killed his parents, then suffice to say he took most of his brutality out on the stone monkey.
And third... A small assortment of doodles. Including timers on the longest each has had their fillet activated.
Red once got three days, to the degree his body went numb to the pain and headache.
Wukong had the wreck of an entire WEEK to deal with. Absolutely sucked.
And Macaque only got an entire day once due to legitimately covering for Wukong so the two wouldn't get caught after purposefully sabotaging one of the King's devices. Wukong still took the fall for it, but for being the accomplice he still got a pretty extreme punishment.
And for the small doodle of TT Red trying to sleep... Well, I remembered that one ask I read on TT Red indulging in very cutesy stuff to not make himself like King Red. And while stuck in their current position he had an extremely hard time sleeping through the pain.
So... Wukong, knowing full well that the object couldn't be used to break them out but would still be quite "embarrassing" for someone like King Red to have around in his fortress, decided to grant TT Red's request of receiving something cutesy to help him sleep through the night.
That just so happened to be a Fluttershy doll (mlp looks so cutesy doesn't it? Also if Red probably had to choose his favorite would've most likely been between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle. But Fluttershy is absolutely NOT who he sees himself relating to (he actually does but doesn't know it) and chose that pony in particular. It's also the most soft looking main character there is).
[DKR and TT Red belong to @purble-turble]
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sweet-star-cookie · 2 months ago
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if you were to drop cassie + the zodiacs into a human/modern AU (an AU where all the zodiacs and constellations were humanized and there is no magic in the universe), what jobs do you think they would do? what would their new human names be? would their dynamics change as a result of the lack of magic and the trauma that comes along with it? and what do you think flicker's normal animal equivalent would be?
(definitely not related to a christmas special i'm cooking up nooope no frenzied AU writing here)
Oooooooh? 👀 Whatever you've got cooking, I'm very excited :D You know it's funny, now that I think about it I've done a lot more speculating about humanization/AU stuff for this set of characters than even I remembered initially, haha! The upside is that means I actually have some stuff to give you :D Of course I don't consider any of this to be "canon" even in an AU sense, as the ideas here are pretty spur-of-the-moment overall and I would need to develop them more if I were to ever make an actual AU story myself. Some of these I've never thought about prior to now, so it is by no means complete in terms of info, but I hope it helps!
With that in mind, don't feel restricted by what I give you here, if you come up with something different for these characters that you want to write about, go for it! Feel free to play around and have fun ^_^ Alright, on to the (very long) answers!
I'll start with the Flicker question, since that'll have the shortest answer comparatively! When figuring out their size in the main story I have compared them to a small kitten before. Considering they can fit in the palm of Cassie's hand most of the time too, something in the rodent family might be more suitable here. Given their stubby limbs, small paws/feet and round body, a hamster comes to mind for me (though I'm biased because I grew up with pet hamsters, haha).
As for Cassie and the zodiac, it would depend on what setting/context this takes place in to determine how they meet and interact with each other, and what dynamics they'd make or keep from their original counterparts, including what part of the world they/their theoretical ancestors are from. Are they all somehow in Cassie's town, or are they all somewhere else? How Cassie would meet them would obviously be very different too, and depending on their occupations she'd be less likely to meet some than others, but of course you can find ways to bring them together anyway.
Since there are nearly infinite options to answer the question of setting, I'll instead give you some general ideas for their possible occupations and such and you can go from there! Some of the "jobs" the adult zodiacs have on the Astral Plane do translate pretty easily to regular Earth occupations, but again you don't have to stick to those if you don't want to. Same with the names, I only have some that came to mind or that I've had previously so feel free to make some up for yourself!
------ ARIES
Possible Occupation: I could see him as a gym trainer or something, the kind that may yell a lot but that actually works for people who are motivated by that kind of intensity, and he genuinely cares about the health/strength goals of the patrons with great passion as well. Perhaps he's still underestimated for his size/height but is able to prove himself with his strength anyway, and thus everyone at the gym respects him. What's funny is Aries actually used to be half-human in canon! Here's the old concept art from around 2016, if that helps at all:
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The only reason I eventually changed him was to balance out the cast a bit more variety wise, as Leo was the only anthropomorphic animal zodiac character at the time. This is the same reason I changed Capricorn to be anthropomorphic as well, though in his case I felt it also strengthened his concept as the "sea goat" a lot more easily that way.
Possible Name: For some reason any variant of Aaron comes to mind, I'm assuming because it matches with the "ar" syllable in Aries (though that may also be me thinking about Aran Ryan, the stereotypical unhinged/angry Irishman character from Punch-Out lol)
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: (If you're including them too) I'd imagine that Perseus would be a rather anxious member at the gym that takes a lot of effort to motivate properly, but Aries sees potential in him and sees it through anyway. Either that or he simply wants to help out with other things around the gym to build up his confidence more. He's young, so maybe it's his very first job or something, and a challenge for Aries to learn how to train someone who doesn't match his own demeanour very much at all.
------ TAURUS
Possible Occupation: I can see her as some kind of animal rescue operator or a park ranger that's focused on areas with protected species. A zookeeper could work well too, she'd definitely be one that would be excited and energetic when giving tours and facts about the animals because she loves them so much.
Possible Name: One that I have in my old "what if" notes is Tori Dellman (I don't remember why lol)
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: Wherever Orion would be in his original character arc could determine their relationship here, like maybe he's still a hunter/poacher that Taurus has to deal with but eventually befriends, or he is a fellow park ranger/animal rescuer/zookeeper.
Coincidentally, at the time of writing this I am finishing up Part 2 of Orion's updated reference sheet that shows his human form prior to his deer transformation, so stay tuned for that soon :D
------ GEMINI & LEO (Putting these two together since they're the children of the zodiac cast and thus wouldn't have set jobs/aspirations like the adults do)
Possible Names: The Gemini twins could theoretically keep their original names (Solana and Luna) but there are a bunch of other names that mean sun/moon that you could use if you want to keep that duality theme but in a subtler way.
Same with Leo, there are a bunch of names that mean "lion" that you could use (though that already includes Leo itself, of course).
Relationship with Zodiac Companions: I feel like this would also be determined by what dynamic they have with their guardians/parental figures (Sagittarius and Cancer) and if they're adopted as their children or not. This would extend to their companions as well, as I consider Leo Minor to be Leo's little brother in canon and that could be the same here. Auriga could be an older sister to the Gemini twins in turn, though I could also see her as a camp counsellor or some other kind of teenage volunteer on a school trip or something.
------ CANCER
Possible Occupation: Her giant claw cannons that can shoot water and her strong build make me think she could work well as a fire fighter, the kind that isn't weighed down by her gear very much and doesn't mind leaping into danger multiple times if necessary, still keeping that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ kind of attitude when it comes to her own safety.
Possible Name: The only name I have for her in my notes is Maura Kinloch, though this was a relic from a very, very old lore draft where it's implied that her incarnation of her constellation has been around for literal centuries, further implying that she was the only one of the armour clad characters on the Astral Plane who actually lived as a knight during the medieval times on Earth (make of that what you will lmao)
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: This would again depend on how you interpret Hydra/Hydrus and their relationship with her, though you don't necessarily have to humanize every single one of the animal characters either. Considering their constellations are defined as "the water snakes" you could also have them be her pets, either as snakes or some other kind of reptile/amphibian.
------ VIRGO
Possible Occupation: Considering her Lady Justice themeing in canon, she could have a similar job in a courtroom, though which one she has is up to you. A judge or attorney might be most fitting, but she could also be an investigator or detective as well.
Possible Name: Not sure, sorry ^^' Whenever I need to think of AU names I usually either pick a name that has a meaning adjacent to their original concept, or one that phonetically sounds similar/has some of the same syllables as their canon name to tie them together.
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: Given Corvus's status as a former thief/delinquent in canon, you could use that in the AU and whatever job Virgo has could determine what relationship they have. Perhaps Corvus is a part of a case she's working on as a suspect and she needs to prove his guilt/innocence, or he's the classic "help us out now and we'll reduce your sentence" kind of thing, perhaps acting as a sort of double agent.
------ LIBRA
Possible Occupation: I picture her keeping her job as a librarian/archivist, though how high up the "ladder" she is in terms of that occupation is up to you, and whether or not museum experience is included is a possibility as well. If you want to connect her AU part to Virgo's to match canon, she could also be either a fellow attorney/judge, or the stenographer (the person who transcribes what is said in a courtroom). They could always just be friends outside of their respective jobs too, though.
Possible Name: Elise, from my old notes. Not sure if I picked this one because they both have L in their spellings but I like it. :)
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: Lupus would still be some kind of assistant to Libra I think, regardless of what occupation either of them has. Similar to Scutum (see below!) I actually have a drawing of him as a human, though it's not finished yet:
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I had fun with this one :D Though he appears a lot younger as a wolf, he's actually a young adult in terms of age. ------ SCORPIO
Possible Occupation: This is one I actually have a slightly more fleshed out AU idea for, believe it or not! I pictured Scorpio as some kind of secret agent/spy or maybe even a trained assassin or bounty hunter depending on whether he actually has a body count in this AU or not. Perhaps he's caught up in a conspiracy or plot where he realizes he's on the wrong side of it all with what he has been assigned, and has to pivot to save the victim(s) despite the extreme danger in doing so.
If you want a more "pedestrian" angle for the AU though, he could just be the type of guy who tries his best to get by with whoever will hire him, but somehow keeps finding trouble or having trouble find him. Maybe he was categorized as a delinquent in his youth because of his suspiciously adept knife skills, rightfully or otherwise, leading to his characteristic brooding pessimism even after he became a young adult.
If Virgo/Libra are still tied to the justice system in this hypothetical, I think it would be funny if Scorpio was truthfully just a regular guy, but one that constantly gets roped into ridiculous situations through no fault of his own. So once they get him on the stand and they look at him like "...again?" he's just like "for the love of god it's not me this time-"
Apparently I cannot give him a break even in an AU, sorry bud xD
Possible Name: To match his occupation, it's likely that his real name is unknown/redacted and he uses Agent Scorpio/Scorpius as a code name or alias instead. Not sure what his name would be in an otherwise normal situation though, maybe he has to keep changing it to avoid whatever trouble keeps finding him.
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: In sharp contrast to Scorpio, Scutum is a paramedic with a big heart and chipper attitude, the kind that may not follow the rules all the time but is always riding off on his Moped with his medical bag to save a life somewhere. If he arrives on the scene on time, he has a tendency to put himself between a victim and the assailant's weapon to protect them, earning him his nickname. I've actually drawn this version of him too :D
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(this is still one of my favourite designs to date, heehee :'D )
Despite their opposing occupations, he and Scorpio end up working together a lot more than either of them expected. As a paramedic, Scutum has the MO of "everyone deserves rescuing", including trained assassins in this case! To him it doesn't matter who they are, a patient is a patient. ------ SAGITTARIUS
Possible Occupation: For some reason I picture him as an outdoorsman, like a hiker or survivalist or something. I think it would be funny if, even when fully human in this AU, he is still mistaken for a bear in the woods from a distance because of his hair and stocky build. Whether he practices archery as a job or simply a hobby is another thing as well, as that could factor into his survival skills or perhaps he competes in tournaments with it.
Possible Name: I have Argus or Darius as a first name here, and considering the Scottish inspiration for his canon design you could give him a Scottish surname as well if you like.
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: If you want to keep Centaurus's insatiable desire to explore, you could have him be a companion on Sagittarius's hikes or a survivalist-in-training. He might want to partake in some spelunking as well if the area in question has caves. Even in canon Centaurus's name is often shortened to Rus, so you could use that here as a short form of Russell.
------ CAPRICORN
Possible Occupation: I think he'd be a well-to-do patron of the arts, likely still an owner or an otherwise staunch financial supporter of a theatre, big or small. Whether he is/was an actor or is simply a performing arts enthusiast is up to you, but I think his refined taste and penchant for the extravagant would still shine through in his demeanour, clothing and possessions. Whether he and Aries are still brothers here is up to you too, though the contrast in their occupations might make for an amusing dynamic, as Capricorn in this AU likely wouldn't lay a finger on a weight even if his life depended on it.
Possible Name: Quentin Armanis, Noctus Finch, or Atticus Strombold (I'm really good at coming up with fancy names I guess lmao)
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: I think Pegasus and her siblings would still be in the performing arts here, though depending on the setting, how they and Capricorn meet might be different. Perhaps Capricorn has a more hidden altruistic side where he supports young and/or indie theatre efforts in addition to the larger ones, but all on the down-low for the sake of whatever reputation he's trying to keep.
------ AQUARIUS
Possible Occupation: I can see her keeping her fashion designer/hair stylist angle here, but how "high profile" she is in this regard could vary in the AU depending on her goals/passions. Regardless of whether her and Pisces are still married in this AU, I could see Pisces becoming at least a muse for Aquarius's designs if nothing else.
Possible Name: Odessa, or some other fancy name that a fashion designer would have.
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: Similar to their initial rivalry in canon, Aquila could be a rival of hers in the fashion world as well, perhaps even "fighting" with similar clothing styles and motifs to see who can do it better. Whether they patch things up or continue the drama would remain to be seen!
------ PISCES
Possible Occupation: For some reason I see her going in a lot of potential directions. She could work at a spa, an aquarium, or maybe she'd be a swimming instructor/competitive swimmer, all options to keep her water/fish theme. Whether or not her and Aquarius are married in this AU may alter one or both of their occupations as well.
Possible Name: Cherise, perhaps to match her predominantly pink/red colours in canon and cheerful personality. Depending on her occupation, I can see others calling her "Miss Cherry" as a nickname (the word cherry derives from cherise, and cerise is French for cherry).
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: This also depends on how you'd approach Austri in this AU, as even if she's still a circus performer like she is/was in canon, how she and Pisces meet would likely be very different regardless. They don't necessarily have to be connected outside of meeting each other at some point though. I could see Pisces simply knowing Austri for being a performer at the aforementioned circus or even as a mute comedian that specializes in physical comedy instead of verbal. Considering Austri's canon connections to Capricorn as well, perhaps they know each other through association that way.
------ OPHIUCHUS
(Including him too because he's sort of the 13th zodiac and it would feel wrong to exclude him considering how important he is to canon lol) Possible Occupation: Considering he's a healer in canon, I'd imagine him being in the medical field would be appropriate, especially since the caduceus (a symbol associated with Ophiuchus and traditionally represents healing) is still used as a medical symbol today. Depending on what you wish to do with Scorpio/Scutum's part of the AU, you could have them be connected (for better or worse!)
Possible Name: No idea, sorry ^^' It could be similarly long/complicated as his constellation name, and maybe has a degree of unintentional intimidation to it. For me at least, the name Ophiuchus always felt very grandiose even if my character with that name is of a more humble nature comparatively, so you could play around with that depending on what angle you wish to take with his character's personality/goals in this AU. Is he still considered an antagonist here, or something else entirely?
Relationship with Zodiac Companion: A similar situation to Cancer where you don't necessarily have to humanize Serpens and Cetus and could make them pet snakes, though having them be Ophiuchus's assistants at his medical practice could also work well too, since that's basically what they do in canon (and the caduceus imagery often includes two snakes already).
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seth-shitposts · 2 years ago
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me, refreshing the ao3 page 5 times everyday to see if anyone else has posted kalluzeb stuff yet-
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juniperhillpatient · 1 year ago
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absolutely hilarious to me the contrast of writing happenstance while occasionally getting inspiration & drafting stuff for my next project which is… drastically different 😅 here’s a wholesome scene about the power of friendship & love 😊 ok now here’s a family of deeply hurt & flawed individuals with absolutely no hope of salvaging any of their relationships ever 💔
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suna1suna1 · 1 year ago
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Got a new chapter of The Heart of the Ark up!
I will say I have updated the fic tags, and there is a lot of violence. This fic is closer to being a horror story than any of my others, and this chapter gets kinda crazy. Stay safe, y'all.
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leedee013 · 1 year ago
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WIP Wednesday
@justthislazy convinced me to join in @kedreeva 's game this week! Let's see how this goes.
It’s WIP Wednesday, time for a little accountability, sharing your work, and getting a kick in the pants.
Here’s how it works:
In a reblog of this post (so people can find you in the notes) or new thread (w/ rules attached) if you want to play on your own, post up to five (5) filenames of your WIPs; not titles, file names.
Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be words you wrote in the last 7 days. We’re posting progress here. If you haven’t made any, go make some and come back to play!
After you’ve posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can't share from (for example, an event or gift fic), write 3 sentences on it anyway, and then 3 more on another to share.
That’s it! You can invite others to join in, or just post. I’ll be searching the reblogs to find people to send asks to!
If you’re reading this, you’re invited!
If you see someone posting a WIP Wednesday Game snippet, send them an ask! Make them write.
Here is what I have to offer:
1. Silly Little Jean Moreau Fic 2. Etienne 3. Baby Jean 4. Needle AU
Snippet from Etienne (hopefully) below the cut:
Jean Moreau truly had no idea what he was supposed to be doing. This had been Jeremy’s idea after all, and it made sense on paper. However, knowing that he would benefit from owning a dog was very different from actually getting one. Besides, he’d never even had a pet before. From what the internet told him, it seemed like a mostly pleasant experience. He’d even gotten permission from Coach Rheman to bring a dog along to the stadium, and they were fully prepared to create spaces where an ESA could get away from the noise of the crowd. All he needed now was the actual ESA.
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aberooski · 8 months ago
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I love my gx winx au and I love that it's just bits and pieces of me being like oh that's fun and not having any semblance of lore or plot. It's purely contained to the character designs I've drawn for the girls.
#it will stay contained to art too it's not something I'd ever write#like I know absolutely nothing about this au of mine but I'm obsessed with it all the same#like I learn something new about it every time I've drawn something#I don't draw a lot for it yall have seen everything I've done and it's usually just a drawing of alexis cuz I love her design lol#but like I'm doing panels for it rn right? and like it's just coming together like the story of what's happening atm#and that's like the only story there actually is rn but it's just falling into place#so I can actually make something of substamce out of this tiny concept I had for a drawing I wanted to try because I had an itch and it grew#that doesn't really happen to me anymore like I haven't felt a spark like that since I wrote OUAD#nothing I've written since has felt the same#and like I said this isn't something I would write into a fic or anything it would just be too much but it's really everything to me rn#something I can come back to and dip my toe in whenever I really feel like I need a spark again and it just makes me happy#I grew up with 4kids winx club so another reason I'd never write anything for real is because I refuse to watch any other version#like I've tried I just can't do it my mind rejects any other version so I only know the universe to a point anyway and but that was my thin#it made me so happy as a kid and it still does now like those are my girls and they mean the world to me and being able to play#within that space with other characters I'm obsessed with and combine into something that miraculously works is amazing#I need to draw more stuff for this au I guess is my whole point#I need to see what other things can..... bloom....... (heh) within that space and what will just manifest before me#I need that something to make me feel that spark again because I don't want to lose it forever and I think I'm starting to find it again#life has just been knocking down over and over lately and it's destroyed so much of my mental state and honestly randomly deciding to try#and actually draw actual stuff for this au has been so healing. I almost feel lighter#it feels stupid amd silly to say but it's true#abby's just rambling don't mind her
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pyrriax · 10 months ago
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HI TUMBLR late footnote posting before i go to bed (i took a nap today........ ate up most of my time)
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not a lot to talk about with footnotes today since i was Busy and my brain wasnt working pfndkmlfd i blame seven hours of modded oneblock
#haunted ecosystem#haunted bookshelf#i might make a tag for these footnote posts? i think its a fun way to document what ive written about without sharing All of it#also yes thats a random crack au that i've have in the back of my head for a bit what about it#i dont think its canon in the slightest its just a funny little thing in my head for writing random bs#honestly i might start trying to work on more wtds stuff. this is kind of a perfect excuse#also! i think how i might work this is that if i work on a larger project during the day then i'll just do the daily prompt#since its a good exercise and an excuse to keep some kind of writing streak going#i actually asked one of my partners for a prompt since i was struggling to find an interesting one#ended up with 'last man standing' for spoke... very fitting tbh#i might write a more canon take for that. the concept i wrote down was much more set in an au than anything since i was also thinking#about asomatous zam at the same time so i kind of just incorparated both of them into it with it being paracosm-era#OH did i ever mention that i have a general title plan for the other parts of that kind of. world#its very set in stone that if i do write more it'll be two more parts#metamorphosis (5 part) and paracosm (1 part with multiple scenes. functionally 3 part maybe?)#asomatous goes in the middle of that. i need to kind of plan all of them out better and see how it wants to flow#metamorphosis was started as a concept because i had a few bad things happen bingo prompts i wanted to be used for asomatous#but didnt end up using. so metamorphosis is my excuse for that. paracosm is just a Concept thats been really plaguing me basically since i#originally wrote asomatous... i should probably come up with a temporary series title. i think something about shattering skies?#its a reoccurring theme and symbol throughout all of them....... i just think its neat#ANYWAYS goodnight to you especially if you actually read through all my tags :)
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narugen · 7 months ago
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need to write more narumina i’ve been converted
#egg boils#sorry. sorry.#obviously still gonna finish the hsmn fic but I NEED EXES BUT NOT REALLY BC THEY NEVER DATED NARUMINA#in which they both like each other but they never ask each other out. it’s not a case of right person wrong time. but It just feels Wrong#to go beyond what they currently are (situationship)#and honestly given how Alone they were being the top 2 best recruits of the new generation……. Well what can i say…. shit happens…. 🤓👍#they dance around each other for three years max before they silently agree to end it ohhhhh im writing a scene for that Lol..#they’re compatible in so many ways but just never romantically and maybe in another life or universe it could’ve worked out#they still inspire each other though. they still get snarky with each other and it takes narumi longer to get over her but he eventually#does . comes out stronger . nobody rly knew abt their thing except hoshina#or maybe he doesn’t . depends on my timelines and whether i want it to be one big au or not but if he doesn’t know then#he finds out eventually when he sees them chilling comfortably in ashiro’s important by chance i just think they’d remain worsties… despite#everything… ohhhhh#relationships that don’t work out 💜 pining 💜#ashiro mina superstar heartbreakerrrrr#<- for the record she rly did like him at one point . when her admiration for him (much to her own chagrin) turns into something deeper#but again. they don’t work out. never would’ve#but they prolong their situationship anyway. as two lonely people#i can’t#breathe i love exploring different dynamics bc what she’d have with narumi would be Vastly different when compared to hoshina#narumina#udk how upset i am to find out the url for that is taken everywhere#narumina . minarumi. the way it works out both ways
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niningtori · 3 months ago
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an iron man | oneshot
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pairing: choi beomgyu x you
summary: beomgyu has only ever known how to live function as a rental sexbot. he fucks whoever and whatever comes his way with a forced smile plastered on his face. that is, until you, a self-proclaimed trainwreck, come along.
genre: android!au, sexbot!au, angst, romance, fluff (more than i ever thought i could ever write i fear...), skippable smut at the very end (will be marked)
warnings: very brief and vague mentions of beomgyu being forced to engage in sexual acts he does not want with previous clients, skippable smut at the very end (will be marked)
smut warnings: unprotected sex, creampie, cockwarming, praise, dacryphilia, sub!gyu
word count: 14.7k (trust i will not be writing this much again if this flops BWNWJSJEJDK)
notes: terrified to post this one because this is probably my favorite thing i've ever written and if it gets a bad reaction i might die :,) also very unsure if this is the best time to post it since it's during kinktober so i'm not sure if the demand is there but i love this work so so much i pray you all like it. if you don't read anything else from me, i hope that you read this bc i rlly care ab it :,) please don't be mean i beg
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beomgyu doesn’t know how long he’s been living like this. living is an odd term, too, and it’s not just because “life” is ill-defined for an android, but because to call what he experiences a life feels like a bastardization of the term. his power is turned on at some point, usually late at night, he fucks or gets fucked by somebody he probably doesn’t know, then he does the same shit all over again. so yes, he may be “alive”, but he wouldn't dare to call what he experiences living. living is too precious of a term to be used so cheaply on a sex android who’s made available for rent for the highest bidder of the night.
he’s seen how people live through his scattered vignettes of human life. he only gets them when he’s powered on, but he soaks them up with pleasure because they’re the only thing he’s ever known. some people do it wildly, living unattached to everyone and everything. their lives are not completely dissimilar to his, in a way, except they have a choice in the matter. they have time to find themselves, what their likes and dislikes are, and they get to connect with people in a way he will never have the power to. others, though, live the kind of life he really wants. they live by loving and being loved, knowing and being known. he wonders what it’d be like to know somebody outside of whatever secret deviant sexual pleasures they have. he wonders what it’s like to be known, too, but he guesses you would need to have something for someone to care enough to know about in the first place. he has no such thing.
it’s a night like any other when he’s powered on by a total stranger. he briefly takes in his surroundings and notices that it’s a really nice place, but you wouldn’t be the first rich person to rent him — not by a longshot. next, he takes you in. now, there’s no reason for you to dress up, really. you have no need to tempt him, as he will be able to feign attraction no matter what you look like, but he still finds it odd that you seem to have forgone any effort to appeal to him, if only because most people’s fantasies require them to look and feel sexy; but you don’t look sexy at all. you look like you’ve just gotten home from a long day at work, and honestly? you kind of smell like it, too.
“do you think you could do the dishes for me? i’m exhausted,” you ask with a perfectly-timed yawn. what… ?
he short-circuits for a moment as he tries to think of an appropriate response. he’s never had anyone try to get him to do chores for them, but maybe this is some sort of weird roleplay? maybe you want him to act as a house husband for you before doing the deed, which isn’t necessarily a problem since he’s well-versed in acting, but there’s just one issue.
“i don’t know how,” he tells you honestly.
“you don’t know how to do dishes?” you ask curiously, 
“it’s not in my programming,” he replies. if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he’s embarrassed because of the way he hesitates and looks away from you when he says it. he can’t possibly feel that, though, so it must just be your imagination.
“oh… that’s alright. okay, do you know how to clean a room? mine’s kind of dirty,” you try. 
“n-no,” he says, and he wishes the earth would just swallow him whole. he’s never failed at living up to expectations, and never so badly, at that. just what kind of fetish is this? 
“that’s okay,” you sigh, and he may not fully understand it, but he can sense your disappointment. “well, what can you do?” and the question is not asked maliciously, but with what seems to be genuine wonder. ah. he knows how to answer this one. slowly, he walks up to you and loosens your hair. you look up at him in shock, but he just cups your face, swiping his thumb across your lower lip. 
“i can do whatever you want me to, baby,” he whispers alluringly. “just tell me how you like it.” you’re so stunned at his switch in demeanor that you forget how to speak for a moment, but you quickly recollect yourself and pry his hands off of you.
“i don’t want you to do anything,” you insist. “i’m just tired. if you can’t help me clean, that’s alright. you can watch something if you’re bored. i think that’s it. well, goodnight.” beomgyu is malfunctioning at the moment. he thinks the gears in his head might be sparking while he tries to understand this new development. you don’t give him time to process it, though. you just slam your bedroom door shut behind you. he thinks he hears you lock it, too.
genuinely at a loss at the thought that he has nothing and no one to do, he sits himself on your couch. he tries not to make himself too at home at first, just barely making a dent on it and scooting to the very edge of the cushion as to not appear to be too relaxed. what if this is some sort of test? what if you’re actually going to come out soon so you two can fuck? until then, what should he do next? thoughts like this plague him until he accepts the fact that you are actually sleeping. your obnoxiously loud snoring is a dead giveaway, and he finally, finally feels brave enough to fiddle with your remote control. 
he scrolls for something to watch. movies and shows have been on as background noise during sex before, so he’s somewhat familiar with them, but he’s never gotten the opportunity to pick for himself or actually pay attention to what's happening on screen. he settles on a romantic movie about a robot who joins human society. the robot falls in love with a human girl, but in the end, the robot has to leave the girl because the town won’t accept him, even after using him. she marries a human man and has children, and eventually grandchildren, too. she still loves the robot even though he’s gone, which he thinks is supposed to make him feel sorry for her, but all he can feel is pity for the robot, who spends the rest of his life alone. 
it’s enough to make him cry, which he shouldn’t be able to do in a non-sexual setting, but he does it, anyway. it’s just so unfair to him. the girl is able to live a normal life while the robot is doomed to be alone forever. why? because he was born different? it’s not his fault that he was invented, but he spends the rest of his time on earth paying for the crime of existing in a world not built for him. the more beomgyu thinks about it, the more wronged he feels. he’s outright sobbing by the time you plop down on the couch beside him. he jumps up and straightens his posture while trying in vain to regain his composure.
“yeah, this movie makes me cry, too,” you quietly remark. he’s silent, not because he didn’t hear what you said, but because he genuinely doesn’t know how to act after being caught red handed.
“can i ask you something?” you ask in lieu of his lack of a response.
“yes,” he feebly answers.
“why are you crying?” you question with a tilt of your head, but something in him tells him that you already know.
“because the movie made me sad,” he admits after a pause.
“are androids supposed to feel things like that?” 
“... no,” he replies after a pause. 
“then why can you?” 
“i… i don't know. just please don’t say anything to my owners,” he pleads. he knows that if the company that owns him were to find out about this, he’d be scrapped in a heartbeat. or worse, they’d analyze him like a labrat to try to find the anomaly within him. his “life” as a sexbot will be over, and he’d really rather be a box of scraps than live as a case study in a lab somewhere. 
“it’s okay,” you tell him with a reassuring smile as you watch him trying not to spiral. “i won’t tell them. it’ll be our secret.” beomgyu has never had a secret to share with anyone before, so he feels an overwhelming amount of excitement at the idea that he will finally have one. his chest feels warm at the thought.
“thank you,” he says with a grateful smile.
“no problem,” you reply with a yawn. “i’m tired, so i’m heading back to bed. i just wanted to get some water. goodnight, for real this time.” 
“goodnight,” he murmurs softly. you return his words with a sleepy smile and go back into your room. he finds that he’s smiling even when you leave. 
he spends the night consuming as much media as he conceivably can before he has to leave. usually, he'd be powered off after he’s done being used, so he greedily savors every moment he can. who knows if he'll ever get this chance again. when you wake up, you're surprised to see that he's exactly where you left him, still watching the screen intently.
“good morning,” you say while stretching your arms. 
“good morning,” he replies. 
“are you ready to be returned?” you ask. 
“... yes,” he lies. 
“okay. i think somebody will be here to pick you up in an hour or so. you hungry?” 
“i don't really eat,” he bashfully answers. for some reason, he's embarrassed at the fact that you're treating him like a human while he's unable to fully act like one.
“oh. i guess that makes sense,” you nod. 
things are quiet until he’s picked up, but it’s not an awkward silence. you sit next to him on the couch as you wolf down some breakfast and let him watch whatever he pleases. when he eventually hears knocking at your door, he feels an incomprehensible sense of dread.
“i think that's them,” you remark, breaking the silence. 
“y-yeah,” he replies. 
“well, it was nice to meet you,” you say, reaching out your hand for him. he’s unsure what to do with it. not missing a beat, you gently grab his hand and shake it. he's stunned at the physical contact, and he's still reeling when you let the man from the rental company in. you have a brief conversation with him before he walks towards beomgyu.
“goodbye,” you tell the android with a smile and a little wave. 
“... good—” and the man switches him off.
-
the next time beomgyu is powered on, he’s in your house again. relief floods him when he realizes it. you don’t seem as exhausted as the last time he saw you. when that was, he has no idea, but if he had to guess, he’d say it was just last night because of the fact that he’s so popular he’s rented almost every day.
“hey,” you greet him with a smile. he’s still feeling relieved before he realizes that tonight might be the night where you ask him to have sex with you. maybe you were just tired last night and had no desire to fuck, but he can tell that you’re feeling more energetic tonight. 
“i didn’t catch your name,” you add. 
“... beomgyu. i’m part of the choi line, but i’m a custom model, so they gave me a name,” he tentatively replies.
“nice,” you nod, and you briefly introduce yourself before asking if he wants to watch a movie. 
“watch… a movie?” is this some sort of euphemism for fucking? it wouldn’t be the first time he’s heard of something like this. as mentioned before, some people like movies as background noise. 
“yeah, you can pick,” you say, casually plopping down on the couch and patting the cushion next to you. he hesitantly takes your cue, and he’s mentally preparing himself for what comes next before you take a blanket and cocoon yourself in it so tightly, it’d be impossible for him to touch you.
“what’s wrong?” you ask, and he jolts a bit when he realizes that he’s been staring in disbelief. “oh, are you cold? do you want a blanket, too?” 
“‘m fine,” he replies.
“are you sure? the clothes they make you wear look a little thin,” you observe with your nose wrinkled, and he feels impossibly small under your surveying eye. “here, i’ll get you some sweats. i think soobin left some the last time he was here.” 
“who’s soobin?” he asks a little too quickly. so quickly, in fact, he doesn’t even have time to process why he even asked.
“my friend. stay here, i’ll grab them for you.” 
when you return, you have a long pair of sweatpants in hand and a big t-shirt. 
“you can change in the bathroom. it’s down the hallway and to the left, okay?” he nods in response.
he strips his clothes off as best as he can, and it feels like he’s shedding a second skin. when he’s finished undressing, he pulls on the clothes you gave him and stares in the mirror. it’s in his programming to always be mindful of how he looks, but he feels especially self-conscious now that he’s wearing a normal outfit. he fixes up his hair and clears his throat before exiting your (messy) bathroom and making his way back into your living room. he finds you fiddling with your phone before you look up at him.
“took you long enough,” you tease, and he blushes, which stuns you. just how human is this guy?
“s-sorry, i —” 
“hey, i’m just kidding. you’re fine. you look pretty good in those clothes — soobin would be jealous,” you chuckle. his ears perk up at the mention of soobin again. is he your boyfriend? he must be. why else would he have clothes at your house? is that why you don't want to sleep with beomgyu? because you have someone already? if that's the case, why rent him at all? but he is not brave enough to ask these questions, so he settles for a soft “thank you” and returns to his spot on the couch.
you toss him the remote and he catches it with ease before unsurely flipping through your streaming services. he finds something that piques his interest and turns to you with an uncertain look before you nod encouragingly. he selects it and lets it play. he doesn’t mean to, but he finds himself sinking further and further into the cushions as it progresses. 
it’s a sweet movie — a romantic comedy about an amnesic woman whose memory is wiped clean every morning, but a man falls in love with her, anyway. she never remembers him, so he has to make her fall in love with him in a new way every day. he finds himself smiling throughout it, but a particularly funny scene has him actually laughing for the first time. it’s a squeaky sort of thing, and he has never laughed before, so he’s somewhat surprised as it leaves his throat. he looks to you in trepidation, but you just smile warmly and respond with a soft chuckle of your own. he finds that he looks to you every time a new development occurs, and you always answer encouragingly. 
the end of the film surprises him. it’s bittersweet in that she never does get her memory back, but the man makes a video recounting their entire love story for her to watch every time she wakes up. it ends with them living happily together in spite of everything, and it’s enough to make him sob. he turns to you and sees that you’re teary-eyed as well, but you seem to be enjoying his reaction so much that there’s still a grin on your face. after the film ends, you can tell that he has something on his mind.
“what’s wrong? didn’t you like it?” you gently ask.
“i did. i just don’t understand,” he replies timidly.
“don’t understand what?” 
“why he would do all of that for her, i guess,” he says. 
“because he loves her. when you love somebody, you’d do anything to be with them. you always find a way,” you tell him, and the sentiment seems to strike a chord within him.
“even if they’re that different?”
“of course.”
-
beomgyu spends the following nights with this same routine. he’s switched on, sees you standing in front of him with a smile, gets comfortable, and watches as much media as he possibly can while you two chatter away about every scene. he learns much more from it than he ever did from experience with his previous renters, and he finds himself becoming more and more emotional by the day. you never try to question him or press him to explain any of his feelings, and it just makes him feel even more comfortable with you. 
one day, he even feels comfortable enough to ask you a question. the question. 
“can i ask you something?” 
“of course! what is it?” you reply in earnest. beomgyu has never directly inquired about you.
“why do you rent me? i mean, i know we watch stuff together now, but why rent me in the first place?” and even when he feels exponentially more at ease with you than he ever has in any other context, he’s still nervous when he asks it. 
“oh, my friend did it as a joke, i guess,” you shrug. “he thought i needed to get laid or something, but i’m not into stuff like that, so i just thought i’d ask you to help me clean. obviously, that’s what i actually need,” you giggle. what he feels at your words can only be described as disappointment. “stuff like that”? so you’re not into sleeping with sexbots? is it because you find them disgusting? is it because you find him disgusting? he’s not sure what he expected, but this wasn’t it.
“oh. so why don’t you buy a cleaning bot?” he asks softly, and while you are usually pretty perceptive of his emotions, you don’t register the fact that he’s at a loss right now.
“i dunno. my parents were always against that sort of thing. they thought it was wrong, i guess, so i didn’t grow up with them like everyone else did. i didn’t really have an opinion on them until i met you,” you tell him while grinning and lightly nudging him with your elbow. he tries his best to smile because, in theory, your words are really sweet. you see him as more than just another android, so why does he feel like that’s not enough? 
the fragile connection you two have made seems even more fragile now. at least, it does to him. you only met each other because of a joke your friend just so happened to make, not because of fate or the divine intervention that he always sees in the movies. maybe in another world, your friend rented a different sexbot. maybe you’d even treat them the same way you treat him. the thought alone makes something ugly burn in his chest. 
still, you are oblivious to the internal war raging within beomgyu. 
“hey, i’ve got an idea,” you tell him, and he perks up a bit. “have you ever listened to music?” 
“not really,” he replies solemnly. people have played it in the background of their sexual escapades, but he hasn’t really gotten the chance to listen the same way humans do. you finally register his crestfallen appearance, but you chalk it up to him feeling like he’s missing out. 
“why don’t we listen to some? i can play a bunch of different genres so you can find what you like,” you suggest, and he agrees to it. truthfully, he doesn’t fully understand how music can be better than movies and shows, but he is curious to find out what makes it so special. 
and special, it is. he doesn’t like every song you play, he realizes, but that’s only natural given how different they are from each other. he finds himself being drawn to the more emotional and moody ones, but he can’t help but enjoy the way you quietly sing and nod along to the more upbeat tunes. 
as you continue to sit together, you begin to fiddle with your hair. you’re scoffing and loosening it for the umpteenth time before you’re about to give up, but beomgyu stops you.
“let me do it,” he says.
“do you know how?” 
“i think i can. i’ve been watching you,” he says simply.
“... okay.” 
you turn your back to him to give him access to your hair and he scoots closer to you. closer than you’ve ever been. his touch on your head is careful as he gently gathers your hair and begins to braid it. you’re not sure how much time passes because he’s actually quite slow, but it’s relaxing all the same. you find yourself softly humming to the tune of the song playing. the lyrics are a little dark, but you follow along in earnest, and beomgyu thinks he finally understands why people like music so much. for moments like this. he tries to soak up every detail he can, from the way the light hits your frame to the melody you hum, and he wishes this moment could last forever.
but you only have so much hair, so the moment does have to end, eventually. he ties up your hair and you pull out your phone camera to admire his handiwork. admittedly, it’s a lot better than anything you could’ve done. it seems that he’s a fast learner.
“this looks perfect! thanks, beoms,” you say warmly. he’s stunned for a second at the nickname.
“beoms?” 
“yeah, like beomgyu. beoms,” you say with a casual shrug, and something in his chest blossoms. “i give all of my friends nicknames.” and something in his chest explodes at the title of “friend”. 
“you do?” he asks excitedly.
“yeah. like, i call soobin ‘soobinie’ or ‘soobie’, sometimes,” you giggle, and the bloom of hope in his chest dies with it. 
“are you two close?” he asks, even though he knows the answer will probably hurt him.
“very. he’s my best friend,” you answer fondly. oh. you’re beomgyu’s best friend — you’re beomgyu’s only friend, and tentatively at that. the idea that the deep connection he feels with you is even deeper with someone else, at least in your eyes, makes him feel sick. do you let soobin play with your hair? do you hum along to songs you’ve shown him while he does it? do you smile at him after he’s finished and compliment him on his skills? probably, probably, probably. the ugly feeling that was previously completely foreign to him now takes its usual place in his chest, and it makes his stomach hurt so much that if he could vomit, his metaphorical dinner would be all over the floor.
“oh,” is all he can say. 
-
days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, but every time beomgyu awakens, he finds you smiling up at him. this can’t be good for your bank account — he’s quite expensive to rent, after all — but he’s far too afraid to actually bring it up. what if you realize just how much money you’re sinking into him and want to stop renting him? what will he do if you don’t want him anymore? he feels an incomparable sense of dread at the thought. 
he prepares to sit on the couch and watch something, listen to music, or even play a video game with you. you two have gotten into them recently, and he’s discovered that he very much enjoys playing with you, even when you’re yelling at him and demanding that he stop letting you win. he can’t help but grin when he thinks about it. you start playing a song, and you do, indeed, invite him to sit on the couch, but you don’t sit down next to him and start babbling away about your day like you usually would. 
“do you think you could do me a favor?” you ask. 
“what, do you want me to wash your dishes?” he jokes, and you share a laugh before you say your next words, but all laughter and joy is profusely sucked out of him when you say them.
“no, smartass, but can you braid my hair for me? i’m going over to soobin’s tonight, and i want it out of my way.” 
“soobin’s?”
“yeah, it’s been a while since i’ve stayed the night, and he said we’re way past due for it,” you tell him, and the world as beomgyu knows it comes crashing down around him. 
“you’re staying the night with him?” 
“mhm. he’s right, it’s been too long; but don’t worry, i bought a pass so you can play video games online. there’s even a headset so you can talk to people, if you want. maybe you’ll even make some friends,” you say while playfully waggling your eyebrows. beomgyu’s silence is pensive, to say the very least, and you worry that he’s apprehensive of making a friend that isn't you. 
“seriously, you might like it. it’ll be good for you to meet more people, honestly. i’m sure it’s driving you crazy to only have me to talk to,” you jokingly add, but to beomgyu, it’s the worst joke he’s ever heard. no, it does not drive him crazy to only talk to you every day. in fact, even though he’s not conscious during the time you spend away from each other, he thinks, deep down, that he still somehow misses you when you’re apart. and no, he does not think he needs to have anyone but you. you are more than enough for him, so how could you ever think he needs more? again, he is taunted by that same strange and implacable feeling he’s been having ever since he met you, yet he can’t quite put his finger on it, even when he nods and tells you that he’ll try making new friends. 
but as he brushes out your hair and you sing along to the words:
"i’m glad i didn’t die before i met you
but now i don’t care
i could go anywhere with you
and i’d probably be happy"
he finally understands what that feeling is. that warm, all-consuming feeling. that feeling of comfort, safety, and unconditional understanding. that feeling of infinite curiosity about the other person. that feeling of wanting to known and be known in a way so profound it physically aches. 
yes, as he gathers your hair and ever-so-gently twists it in his hands in preparation for you staying the night with a man you clearly prefer over him, the feeling becomes clear as day. love. what he feels for you is love — an emotion he should never be able to even fathom, yet he does. 
and it makes him loathe himself to a degree he never thought he was capable of.
he’s so put off by this sentiment, he almost can’t finish the braid because his hands are shaking so much, but somehow, he finishes, anyway. 
“are you done?” you ask as you fiddle with your hair and look back at him.
“mhm,” he replies. 
“yay! thank you!” you say giddily. 
“you’re welcome,” he mumbles. you’re not stupid, so you notice that something is off about him, but you just assume it’s because he’s nervous about being left alone to make new friends. you feel guilty in a certain sense, but it’ll be good for him to branch out and meet new people, so you tuck the feeling away as best as you can before packing your nightly essentials and getting ready to leave.
“i’ll be back tomorrow morning,” you tell him, and he only nods with his lips pursed, which makes your heart feel sour.
“try not to miss me too much,” you tease, but it doesn’t seem to cheer him up in the slightest. 
“have fun,” he replies weakly, and your previously sour heart now kind of aches, but you have to do this for him. you can't always be beside him for everything, right? besides, it's only for the night.
you open the door to leave, but before you go, you turn back to him and he senses hesitation in you. before he can question it, you’re opening your arms, and his eyes widen when he realizes you’re inviting him in for a hug. you almost regret doing it as soon as you open them for fear of making him uncomfortable, but he embraces you before you have time to process such feelings. on beomgyu’s end, he has always been wary of touch for obvious reasons, but he gravitates towards your open arms like he was meant to be in them.
he rests his chin on the top of your head for a moment and you spend an unknown length of time just standing with your arms wrapped around each other. 
“i’ll miss you,” you admit, and before you can smack yourself for being so dramatic and sentimental over what will ultimately only be one night, you can swear you feel his grip tightening even more around you.
eventually, you break away and look up at him with a smile. you ruffle his hair and promise to see him later, and he answers you with a nod. then, you're leaving and locking the door behind you.
immediately, beomgyu feels a sense of loss he’s never felt before. after all, to experience loss, you must have something worth losing in the first place, and he has never had anything like that. at least, not until you. so he stands at the door for who knows how long, just like a puppy waiting for his owner to get home. 
-
soobin can sense you’re out of it before you even finish crossing through his doorway, and it puts a halt to your typically overdramatic greeting. 
“what’s the matter? are you feeling okay?” he questions concernedly as he pulls you in for a hug. you nod before you break apart from him and walk through the threshold. 
“y-yeah. it’s just, i don’t know, i guess i just feel bad about leaving beomgyu all by himself,” you tell him as you plop down on his couch. 
“the android you’ve been renting?” he asks incredulously. “i’ve been meaning to ask you about that, actually. why’re you renting it so much? i barely even see you anymore. is the sex that good?” 
“you know i don’t use androids like that,” you snap in annoyance, partially because he’s calling beomgyu “it”.
“i know, which is why i’m so confused. why rent it in the first place if you’re not getting anything out of it?” 
you struggle to answer his question. you promised beomgyu you’d keep his secret, but you trust soobin, and you know he won’t judge him, or worse, report him. besides, it’ll be good to have an unbiased third party weigh in on the situation. with this in mind, you tell him about beomgyu, skipping over some of the more personal details. he’s in disbelief at first and actually thinks you’re just fucking with him, but as you tell him more and more about the time you’ve spent together, his smile falls and his face turns serious. 
“so that’s why i feel so guilty about leaving him alone,” you finish with a deep sigh. he’s silent for a few moments before collecting his thoughts.
“god, i can’t believe this is actually happening,” he whispers.
“i know. it’s insane, but it’s true. he’s just so… human. you should've seen the way he looked at me when i told him i was leaving. i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone look so sad before.” 
“well, you’re right about him needing to make friends,” he says with a nod, and it validates all of your misgivings about leaving him alone. “but don’t you think you should, i don’t know, think about what all of this means?” 
“what do you mean?” you ask, and in that moment, he knows you have no idea about the way beomgyu probably feels about you. he’s not 100% confident in his deductions, but the way you describe how beomgyu acts around you pretty much tells him everything he needs to know. 
“i mean, you basically have a completely sentient creature who relies on you for everything. if he’s as human as you say he is, then he can probably feel everything that we do. right now, i’d guess that he feels like you’re all he knows.” and the sneaking sense of guilt that was previously threatening to creep up on you is now completely overwhelming. you’re all he knows. and you left him all alone to fend for himself and make his own friends. yes, he needs to learn how to make connections, but how could you expect him to know how to do that? it took weeks for him to finally seem comfortable around you, so how could he possibly know how to make them on his own? moreover, even though it's nothing to you, you're his entire world. he must feel like you abandoned him.
“i’ve gotta go,” you mumble.
“what?” he asks. 
“i–i’ve gotta go home,” you repeat as you hurriedly stand up and hug him goodbye. 
“wait! i think you should —” 
“love you, bye!” you shout as you book it out of the doorway. 
-
when you return home, you open the door to see beomgyu listlessly staring at the television screen. when he hears you, he turns to look at you with watery eyes. he looks so lost in this moment, and all of your suspicions are confirmed.
“beoms, i am so sorry,” you tell him as you rush over and throw your arms around him. 
“for what?” he asks with a gulp as he stays in your embrace, shakily wrapping his arms around your waist.
“i’m sorry for leaving you all by yourself. i thought it was just for one night, so it’d be alright, but you don’t have anyone but me right now; and i realize that it’s unfair for me to expect you to meet other people all on your own when you’ve never had to do it before. if you want friends, i’ll help you, okay? i’ll be there with you as you do it,” you tell him, and you feel his body trembling. 
“i-i’m sorry. i know it’s not a big deal, but when you’re not with me, i feel so scared. i… i don’t know how to do anything by myself. i’m s-sorry i need you so much,” he whispers, and your heart breaks. 
“don’t be sorry,” you say gently. “how about this: i’ll join you online and we can talk to people together. then, when you’re ready, you can start hanging out with my friends in person, too, okay? we can keep going until you don’t need me anymore.” beomgyu outwardly agrees, which seems to put you at ease, but there’s just one issue: he’ll always need you.
-
gaming online is actually really fun, but making friends is hard for someone like beomgyu. he’s quiet and a little awkward at first, but after a few nights and with your help, he finally warms up to the people he games with. he gets so comfortable, in fact, that he’s even able to shit talk with them a little. 
“fuckkk, that’s so unfair!” his new friend, kai, wails over the headset. 
“it’s not unfair, you just suck,” beomgyu chuckles, and kai whines again. you laugh at their interaction before kai continues.
“how are you so fucking good at this game? you’ve only been playing for a few nights, and you’re already better than me!” he pouts. 
“i’m just gifted,” beomgyu boasts.
“very true,” you add, and he beams, but kai’s next words throw him off-kilter.
“whatever. stop asking your girlfriend to argue with me — you two make me sick,” he jokes with his signature maniacal laugh, but the two of you are too stunned to laugh along. you look at each other in sheer embarrassment, and you can see beomgyu’s ears turning bright pink beneath his blond hair. you’re not sure why you feel so mortified, but you do. this is beomgyu, for god’s sake. there’s no earthly way you could ever see him in anything other than a purely platonic way, so why does your heart feel uneasy at the notion? while you’re still too stunned to speak, beomgyu tries to pipe up and respond.
“sh-she’s — we’re not, uh —” 
“damn it!” kai yells as his character dies yet again, and any momentum beomgyu previously had to clear up the misunderstanding is killed stone dead in its tracks. 
he turns to look at you unsurely, but the awkward moment seems to have passed for you as you laugh at kai’s character’s death. if only he could be as unfazed.
after kai goes offline, you two decide to quit gaming for the night. you turn to beomgyu nervously, and he immediately knows that you’re going to say something serious. he hopes beyond hope that it’s not about what kai said.
“can i ask you something?” and his heart sinks. oh god, you probably caught onto his feelings. he’s not sure he has the confidence to tell the truth, but how could he lie to you?
“y-yes,” he replies, voice a bit unsteady.
“okay, you can say no if you want, but soobin invited us to a get together he’s having pretty soon. it’s not anything too crazy, so there’ll only be a few of us. i think it’ll be a good start for you. maybe you’ll even make some new friends, you know?” he’s silent at your words just out of sheer shock. he’d definitely missed the mark when guessing your intentions. 
“it’s okay to say no,” you hurriedly add, “but my friends are really nice, and i’d be with you the entire time. even if you don’t talk to anybody, you can talk to me.”
“okay,” he agrees before he can even really think about it. he guesses he’s just relieved that you still don’t know about his feelings, but part of him aches even still. 
“really?” you ask incredulously. “oh my god! i have to tell soobin — he’ll be so excited!” you babble, and his lips curl upwards at how happy you are. he wishes he could always make you happy like this, and it seems that he’d agree to absolutely anything if you were the one asking.
-
work has been especially taxing today, which is nothing new, but you have this insatiable suspicion that something feels… off as you finish up for the day. as you’re about to head out for the night, you wonder what beomgyu will want to do once you get home. maybe he’ll want to play games with kai, or maybe he’ll want to watch a movie with you. maybe he’ll let you cuddle up to him for warmth, which he’s been very willing to do, lately. the unspoken rule that you two will never touch has become blurry for some reason, but you’re pretty touchy with all of your friends, so it only feels like a matter of course to you. 
you’re thinking about all of the potential ways tonight could play out when it hits you: you didn’t reserve beomgyu. you spit out a curse and hurriedly take out your phone to book him, but it’s too late. he’s already assigned to someone for the night. fuck.
when you get home, you’re anxious beyond belief. you haven’t spent a night without beomgyu in months, but more importantly, he hasn’t spent a night without you. you try not to think about how scared he will be when he’s powered on in a stranger’s home. you hope he’s able to just switch back to his initial programming, but somehow, you just know it won’t be that easy. you feel sick with worry when you think about how someone so human will have to involuntarily turn his feelings off and pretend to enjoy something he’s being forced to do — with no compensation, no less. he must think you abandoned him. he must think you don’t care about him. how could you forget to reserve him when he needs you so much? fuck how busy you were with work, his wellbeing should have been your first priority.
so you sit and watch the hours tick by. you try to relax. you try to tell yourself it’s only for one night, and he’s been doing it for years, but something just feels wrong, wrong, wrong. you’re about to try to force yourself to go to sleep so the night ends more quickly when you hear a rapid knocking on your door. it’s strange for someone to call on you so late, indeed, but when you look through your peephole, you see none other than the very boy you’ve been worrying about. 
“beomgyu?” you say incredulously when you swing open the door. immediately, he embraces you, and you feel hot tears streaming down your neck as he nuzzles his face into it. you hold him as best as you can as you rub circles into his back and try to shush his cries.
“it’s okay, i’m here,” you tell him, and he whines. you try to break away to get a good look at him, but he just pulls you in even closer, as if you’re his only lifeline in this world, and in a way, you are.
after his breathing slows and his sobs die out, he reluctantly parts from you, so you hold his hand and lead him to your couch. his eyes are swollen and bloodshot while his nose is a bright pink, but he never once takes his eyes off of you for fear of letting you out of his sight. in his mind, you can’t leave as long as he can see you.
“are you alright?” you tentatively ask, hand still holding his and soothingly caressing it in an attempt to calm him down. he goes to nod before stopping himself and shaking his head in the negative. your eyes soften even more at the action.
“do you want to talk about what happened?” you try, and he nods before clearing his throat.
“i, um, i woke up and i was at this woman’s house. she… she wanted me to get undressed, but i didn’t want to, so she started doing it for me.” you wince at his words, but he’s not finished yet. 
“she kept touching me, and it was so disgusting i just — i just couldn't stand it, so i ran away and came here. i don’t mean to make your life harder, and i won’t ask for you to stay the night with me anymore, but if you could just let me stay here, i promise i’ll learn how to clean or do anything you want. please, just don’t make me —” 
“beomgyu, stop it,” you say softly, but firmly. “you are not making my life harder. you can stay here as much as you want and do whatever you want while you’re here. i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean for this to happen. i was just so busy with work, and by the time i realized it, somebody had already booked you. i promise you that it’ll never happen again, okay? so you don't have to be afraid. i’m not leaving you, and i won’t let anyone hurt you, either.” 
you don’t think you’ve ever seen anyone look so relieved before. it looks as though you just saved his life, and to beomgyu, you essentially did. he holds your hand even tighter, as if you’re the only thing keeping him from falling off the face of this planet. 
“wait here, i’ll get you some clothes,” you say gently, but as you go to leave, he holds you even tighter. your eyebrow quirks in a silent question at his actions, and he looks sheepish for a moment before saying his next words.
“c-can we just stay like this for a bit? just for a little while? i’m still scared,” he mumbles, and your heart melts.
“of course. come here,” you beckon, and he falls into your arms and rests his head on your shoulder, breathing your scent in as he tries to imprint this moment into his hardware. you stay like that for a while before you finally convince him to change out of his uncomfortable clothes. he reluctantly lets you go, and his eyes follow you everywhere you walk. 
that night, you stay up later than usual to spend more time with him. he stays glued to your side and ensures that he’s always touching you in some way, which is endearing in a way you can’t seem to put into words. when you’re about to head to bed for the night, you swear you hear him whimper, but he lets you go, anyway. as you lay your head down and get comfortable under the covers, you hear a timid knocking on your door. you call him in, and his gaze shyly flickers between you and the floor. 
“c-can i stay with you tonight? i won’t bother you, i swear. it’s just — i just still feel weird. y-you can say no! i just thought that —”
“come here,” you softly interrupt, and he doesn’t hesitate to listen. he closes the door behind him and shuffles towards you, stopping uncertainly at the edge of the bed in a silent plea for permission to enter it. you feel a weird, warm feeling in your chest when he does it. you scoot over and pat the open space next to you before he gathers enough courage to slide in. you cover him with your blanket, and he stiffly accepts it. you giggle at his awkwardness and cuddle up to him, placing your arms around his waist before thinking better of it. how could you just invade his personal space when he’s clearly traumatized? you go to remove your arms and scoot away before he firmly locks you in place.
“it’s okay,” he whispers, settling himself into your embrace and mindlessly toying with the ends of your hair.
“are you sure?” you ask.
“i’m sure.”
it isn't long before beomgyu hears your breathing slow down, and eventually he hears you begin to snore. he smiles at the sound. he can't really sleep, but he's perfectly content with watching you rest. he continues to play with your hair, and you nuzzle into his touch every so often. he doesn’t want to repeat the events leading up to tonight, but he would do it all over again — any number of times — with a smile on his face if it meant he got to be with you like this again. 
-
the next morning, beomgyu waits for the usual delivery guy from the company to pick him up, but it’s currently way past the usual pickup time. he’s most certainly not complaining, but you don’t seem even remotely fazed by the matter. however, while you’re casually flipping through your streaming catalog literal hours after he’d already be gone, he can’t stop himself from asking:
“um, d-do you know when i’m being picked up?” you pause, and he worries that he may have said the wrong thing before you turn to him.
“do you want to be picked up?” you ask solemnly.
“n-no! of course not. it’s just, you know, i’d usually be gone by now, so i —” 
“do you want to stay here? with me, i mean,” you interrupt.
“i… i do,” he replies with a gulp. usually, that’d be all you get from him, but it feels like the perfect opportunity to be honest about his feelings. “i always want to stay with you, but i know i’m expensive, and i don’t want to be a bother.” he looks ashamed as he admits it, but if he had the courage to look in your eyes, he’d note the fondness that lies within them.
“i told you that you’re not a bother to me. i also told you that you could stay here for as long as you want, remember?” and he does, so he nods. 
“alright. i meant it when i said it last night, and i mean it now. if you want to be here, you can stay for as long as you’d like. you don't have to worry about your owners anymore, i promise.” and he thinks he’s never seen you as serious as you are now. he wonders what you mean before it dawns on him.
“you… did you buy me?” he asks in disbelief.
“y-yeah. i’m sorry, it sounds so gross when i hear it out loud, but that doesn’t mean that i own you or anything. what i really wanted to buy was your freedom, so you can stay as long as you want, but that also means that you can leave whenever you want, too.”
“i’m so sorry,” he says in a hushed, hurried tone. “i know i'm expensive. i’m really sorry.”
“money is not an object to me,” you dismiss in faux arrogance with a wave of your hand in hopes that it’ll lighten the mood, but beomgyu can’t stop the tears from falling over his waterlines, and you’re afraid your attempt to help him only made him feel more indebted to you. all worry is promptly washed away when you feel him pull you into his arms. 
“thank you,” he just barely breathes out. “i don’t know how i’ll ever pay you back, but i’ll try, i swear.”
“you don’t have to do anything for me, beoms. i should’ve done it a lot sooner, but i’m just a little slow, i guess,” you muse, and he chuckles softly into your neck.
-
sleeping with beomgyu should’ve only happened once, but every night when you say you’re heading to bed, he looks at you with puppy eyes and you find yourself inviting him to come along. each time, he looks so excited that if he had a tail, it would most certainly be wagging. he obediently follows you to your room and settles into the empty space next to you before holding you in his arms as you drift off. he’s even taken to humming the tunes of songs he likes when you struggle to settle down, and his baritone voice lulls you to sleep like a charm every time. he spends his time by just looking at you and trying to reconcile with his new reality. this is real. he gets to spend however many nights he wants next to you, as per your own words. even if you didn’t mean them, he plans to take them seriously. he is perfectly content with spending the rest of his life just sleeping with you, looking at you, being with you. 
-
soobin’s get together is tonight, and you look different than usual. your typical look is very casual, which makes sense because you’re only ever at home when you’re with him, but you are now primped and ready to be seen, and it makes him anxious because you look even more lovable. he knows these people are your friends, so they must’ve seen you dressed up before, but that only makes him all the more uneasy; they know a side of you he is only now seeing, and it makes that same old ugly feeling he's grown so accustomed to sprout in his chest. 
when you arrive at soobin’s place, the first thing you do when soobin swings open the door is jump in his arms like you didn’t just see him a week ago. he spins you around with a dimpled grin that’s so sincere, beomgyu feels emotionally decimated by it. you both giggle as you break apart, and the jealousy beomgyu feels brewing within feels unpacifiable. 
“is this beomgyu?” soobin asks, grin still very much apparent.
“yes! you’re gonna love him,” you answer giddily. 
“it’s nice to meet you,” soobin says warmly while stretching out his hand, which beomgyu awkwardly shakes while he tries to force his lips to curl upwards in what he prays is a believable smile.
“nice to meet you,” he mumbles.
“everyone’s already here, but you’re late as always,” soobin playfully chastises, and you pout in response.
everyone greets you when you walk in, mostly by hugging you and lightheartedly scolding you for not coming out anymore. they’re very clearly bantering with you, but each reproach feels like a knife to beomgyu’s heart. he’s the reason you haven’t seen them in so long. 
clueless to it all, you introduce him as your friend to everyone, which only makes him feel worse, somehow. he is just one friend out of many, meanwhile you’re his entire world. you’re far too caught up in the joy of seeing some of your favorite people after so long to notice his dismay, however.
you lead him to soobin’s couch to have a seat with you and one of your friends, taehyun maybe, offers him a drink, to which he awkwardly declines. you quickly follow up with something to the effect of “he isn’t much of a drinker,” and beomgyu nods in affirmation. you try your best to include beomgyu in conversation, but they’re all talking about people and places he doesn't know. all he knows is you, and the world you two built together seems smaller and smaller with every new topic of conversation. 
he notices that soobin seems to be eyeing him somewhat strangely, though he tries his best to play it off. he could just attribute it to surface level curiosity, but his intuition tells him it’s much deeper than that. is soobin sizing up his competition? maybe so, but there’s not much to see. beomgyu is handsome, and he knows it, but soobin knows a side of you beomgyu has only ever heard stories about. you’ve told him about your friends and the goings on between you and your coworkers, but it pales in comparison to actually meeting them. he makes an internal note to ask even more questions than he usually does the next time you’re telling him about your day. until then, he sits as close to you as humanly possible and clings onto your arm, which is so second nature to you, you don't even notice that he’s doing it. 
soobin, who is usually not the inquisitive type, can’t help but question the dynamic between you and beomgyu. at first, the lingering glances and intimate gestures were innocuous enough to be written off as mere friendliness, but when you whisper something in beomgyu’s ear and he flushes a bright pink, soobin knows he can’t ignore it any longer. he especially can’t ignore it when you turn away from beomgyu and he raises a hand to the ear you just whispered into as if he’s reliving the moment. well, time to test his theory. 
soobin slides into the open cushion next to you and begins excitedly chattering about how pretty you look tonight, and he even takes your braided hair into his hands and twirls it between his fingers.
“your hair looks pretty,” he muses.
“beomgyu did it, actually,” you grin, and soobin glances over to said boy, who is currently glaring daggers at him. the look in beomgyu’s eyes is so intense, he almost wants to back off, but he has to get to the bottom of this. 
“did he? you know, it’s been a while since you stayed over. wanna have a sleepover tonight? you have some clothes here from last time, and we can cuddle, i know you like that,” he says as innocently as he possibly can. 
before you can even reply, beomgyu is slamming his hands on the coffee table. you turn to face him in surprise, and the look on his face is the angriest you’ve ever seen him. his eyes are dark and his nostrils are flared as he heavily breathes. he’s never been angry at all in front of you, actually, so to say you’re taken aback is the understatement of the century. 
“beoms? what’s wrong?” you ask concernedly, completely turning away from soobin. your voice is enough to somewhat placate him, but before he can fully calm down, soobin is saying his next words.
“i’m sure he’s fine. beomgyu, you can find your way home tonight on your own, can’t you?” beomgyu is positively seething at this. before you can question him again, he’s gripping your hand so tightly it’s like it’s the only thing keeping him from drowning, so you excuse the both of you and drag him to the bathroom for some privacy.
“are you alright?” you ask, frantically scanning his figure for some sort of sign of pain or discomfort. 
“i-i’m fine, i just, uh, i don’t feel good,” he says flatly. 
“what’s wrong? is it too much? do we need to go home?” he’s so flustered, he barely registers that you’re calling your house “home”, but he still notices it in spite of everything, and it’s like a balm on his aching heart. 
“y-yeah, can we go home? please?” he pleads, and you hurriedly nod. 
“of course, just let me say bye to everyone before we leave, okay?” and he wants to say no, but he’s as weak as ever in front of you, so he relents.
that doesn’t stop him from gripping your hand, though, as you say goodbye to everyone. you go to give soobin your usual hug, but beomgyu pulls you back to him even more tightly. you write it off as him not feeling well and just wanting to leave as soon as possible, to which you oblige, and before you know it, you two are scurrying out of soobin’s place like there’s something chasing you.
as you’re driving home, you feel your phone buzz in your pocket, but it isn’t until you’re walking through your doorway that you check it. 
soobie: we need to talk. call me as soon as you get home
you’re worried beyond belief at his serious tone, so you tell beomgyu that you’ve got to make a call before ducking into your bedroom. you don’t shut the door behind you, because why would you? 
you quickly call soobin and the line connects after just one ring.
“what’s wrong?” you ask anxiously, and soobin just sighs, which makes you all the more anxious.
“we have to talk about beomgyu.” 
“beomgyu? what about him? is something wrong?” you question.
“yeah, i mean, maybe. this might sound crazy, but i think — i know — he likes you.” you’re stunned silly for just a moment before bursting into laughter.
“likes me? what the hell are you talking about?” you dismiss, and you sense his agitation even through the phone.
“i’m serious. i had a feeling before, but tonight just confirmed it. he likes you.” you’re silent for a moment, just trying to process his words, but once your mind somewhat clears, you can’t help but deny, deny, deny.
“you’re wrong. it’s not like that at all. i’m just the first person who’s ever treated him nicely, and i —” 
“you’re not listening,” he cuts in irritatedly. “he looked like he wanted to skin me alive tonight. how else do you explain that?” 
“soobie,” you sigh. “you’ve got it all wrong. maybe you’re right and maybe he was feeling insecure, but that’s probably because i’m the only person he knows. he most likely just felt like you were stealing my attention away.” 
“you’re always so dense about these things, you know?” he groans. “okay, look, i’m not sure how they came about, but i do know that he has feelings for you. maybe it started out as dependence, i’m not sure, but it’s definitely much more than that now.” 
“that’s impossible,” you snort, actually feeling a bit impatient now. how could he possibly think that your relationship with beomgyu was anything other than platonic? 
“why? because he’s a robot?” oh, that shuts you up. “just think about it. if he were a human, would you still be saying the same thing? like i said before, if he’s as human as you say he is, he can feel the same way we do, and he’s definitely capable of feeling love, too.” you are, again, stunned into silence. suddenly, as if there was a fog that covered your brain before, things that you never really considered become clear to you. the soft touches, the gentleness. sleeping in the same bed and waiting for you to get home. wanting you — needing you — around all the time. the way he plays with your hair. the way he’s so interested in everything you have to say. the clinginess, the dependence. it all makes so much more sense to you. 
“i —” you begin, but you just so happen to glance up and see beomgyu right outside of your doorway… looking absolutely devastated. 
“i’ve gotta go,” you tell soobin as you hang up, not even bothering to say your usual goodbye. 
“beoms, did you hear us?” you ask tentatively, and he flinches a little bit before looking down at the floor and nodding.
you’re unsure of how to navigate this situation from here, but while you’re still trying to figure it out, beomgyu speaks.
“i-i’m so sorry,” he says hurriedly. “i understand if you don’t want me anymore.” 
“w-what? no, i —” 
“i’m just really sorry,” he says, looking as ashamed as a person ever could. “i know it’s wrong, i know it’s disgusting, but i —” 
“beomgyu.” 
“but i can’t help it. i wish i could, but i just can’t; and i understand if you want to return me or whatever, but if you could just —” 
“beomgyu, stop it,”  you interrupt firmly, no room for argument. he stares at you with defeated eyes, and you feel your heart break in two. “i am not disgusted, and i don’t want to return you.” his eyebrows furrow as if he doesn't quite understand, so you continue. 
“your feelings are not disgusting to me, don’t ever say that again, okay? please? it makes me sad,” you plead, and he hesitantly nods. “i think it’s normal, actually. you don’t really know anybody else other than me, so of course you’re confused.” 
“confused?” he asks incredulously, eyes snapping up to meet yours.
“confused,” you nod. “it'll change once you meet more people, i swear.” you try to smile reassuringly, but suddenly, you see tears welling up in beomgyu’s eyes. 
“beoms?” you carefully try.
“i don't need to meet more people. i just need you,” he chokes out. “don't tell me i'm confused because i'm not. i-i'd rather you just say you don't want to be with me than tell me that.” your heart clenches at his words, but he continues. 
“i just want to be with you, no one else,” he tells you desperately. “i can understand if you don't feel the same way, but i can't stand to hear you say i don’t love you, because i do. i really, really do.” and as if you're dissociating, your mind is bombarded by times where he's shown you this exact sentiment. again, you go back to every intimate moment you two have ever shared. it was easy to just chalk it up to his lack of experience, but when he's telling you that's not the case so earnestly, is it truly possible to still believe it’s nothing? after a while, you decide that it most certainly is not. 
the question is: do you feel the same way? you try to put a name to the feelings you have when you’re with him. the trust you have, the understanding. the desire to share everything you know and like with him, no matter how mundane it may seem to others; and consequently, the endearment towards him when you see how eager he is to listen. more than that, the intimacy between you two. how you like waking up to him smiling down at you, and how when something happens, he’s the first one you want to tell, good or bad. how when you listen to new music, you feel excited at the prospect of sharing it with him. 
you realize you want to know more about him, the happy things and even the sad things. why he is the way that he is, why he thinks the way he thinks. the peace you feel when he’s running his fingers through your hair and holding you close when you watch the same film for the dozenth time. you try to picture a world where somebody else rented him. a world in which somebody else got to see him as soon as they wake up or as soon as they get home from a particularly grueling day at work, and you finally understand that you wouldn’t like that at all. but why? you’ve only ever thought of him as a friend, right? so why does it matter to you? 
your eyes focus on beomgyu again, and you notice how utterly defeated he looks. his heart is on full display for you — and you alone — as tears stream freely down his pretty, doll-like face. are these tears just for you? you think so. is it safe to trust that these feelings he has for you are real? you’re not sure, but you want to. still, there’s something stopping you.
“i think… i think i feel the same way,” you admit, and his previously downtrodden appearance immediately lights up with hope. “but we shouldn’t.” and the words are like lead in your mouth. 
“why not?” he asks, clearly distressed. you just gave him an inch, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t take a mile. he never in a million years would have thought that you’d ever reciprocate his feelings, so he can’t just let them go so easily.
“i just… it’s just not something that i can —” 
“is it because i’m an android?” he questions, voice teeming with self-loathing. 
“n-no! i mean, we’re just so different,” you tell him, trying to skirt around the topic as best as you possibly can, but he won’t have it.
“whatever it is, i’ll change it. please? i can do anything,” he pleads. 
“it’s not like that. i want to, but we can't. i-i'll get older. i won't look the same — i won't be the same,” and it’s embarrassing as hell to admit it out loud, but you mean it. beomgyu’s urgent gaze softens, and he inches closer to you before he’s standing before you. he reaches out to gently cup your face and tenderly pushes your hair behind your ears.
“and what about me?” 
“what about you?” you scoff, but you don't pull away from his touch, though your eyes do dart away. “you’ll still be you, and i’ll be old and —” 
“what about when my parts start creaking? what about when i don’t remember things like i’m supposed to? you’ll still love me then, right?” he asks, but he already knows, and your eyes snap back to his.
“th-that’s different. you can get repairs. i can’t —” 
“then i won’t. you’ll get old and gray and i’ll get rundown and out-of-date. i don’t care what happens, as long as i’m with you.” you’re silent in the wake of his heavy words, so he quickly continues.
“you told me that when you love somebody, you’d do anything to be with them. you said you always find a way, and i want to find a way to be with you.” your heart simultaneously warms and aches at this sentiment. 
you consider what it would be like to be with him. things would be difficult, yes, but not impossible. maybe you’ll come to regret it someday, but you don’t want to think about that right now. you feel like the luckiest girl in the world when you think of the fact that somebody so beautiful, inside and out, wants to be with you. you don't think you’ve done anything particularly special for him, but he still wants and accepts you for everything that you are and ever will be.
“okay,” you say shakily, and you finally recognize that his hands are still very much cupping your face, fingers lovingly rubbing against your cheeks. he smiles in pure relief at your answer, but he makes no move to break away his hold on you. 
you notice how his gaze flicks between your eyes and your lips, and you decide you'll have mercy on him as you lean up to him and press a chaste kiss on his pouty lips before parting. he’s visibly red at the action, and you grin at how flustered he looks. on beomgyu’s end, he feels another bloom of excitement and swell of hope threatening to overcome him. when he looks at the playfulness in your eyes, he smiles even wider. 
“i love you,” he whispers affectionately.
you pause before you tell him:
“i love you, too, beoms.”
-
that night, beomgyu is even clingier than usual. he sticks like gum to your side. when you head to sleep, he eagerly nestles in your bed and holds his arms wide open. you follow his lead and settle into his warm embrace. he sings you one of his favorite songs you’ve ever shown him. the last words you hear before you sink into sleep are:
“to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
to die by your side, well
the pleasure, the privilege is mine”
notes pt. 2: sfw work ends here!
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you and beomgyu have been “together” for a few weeks now, so the relationship is still very new. surprisingly or not, things seem more or less the same. you guess you never realized just how intimate you two have always been until you put a label on things. the only tangible differences are that instead of just a mere hug when he greets you, he plants kisses all over your face before finding his ways to your lips. and when you’re watching movies or even just talking, he’ll steal a kiss or two. and when you head to bed, you know you can expect him to catch your lips like a man starved before you sleep. things get heated, sometimes, but they never lead to anything besides labored breaths and promises to calm himself down. you take his hesitancy as him wanting to take it slow and treasure your first time together, and you realize he still may be traumatized from the years he spent as a sexbot. 
you have apologized to him for telling soobin his secret. you let him know your reasoning for telling him, and he accepted your apology quite graciously. honestly? he was never mad, and he tells you that very clearly, but you still feel somewhat guilty even when he says he understands. your guilt is only absolved when he says he’s thankful you told soobin because things may have never changed without his wise input. he says that he’s grateful to soobin for being a voice of reason in the face of your emotional density. you blushed when he told you this, and apologized for being so slow on the uptake, but he just assured you that he wouldn’t have you any other way, which made you love him even more, somehow. 
you’re now about to go to soobin’s again for another get together with your friends. second time’s the charm, you cheekily told him when you brought it up, and he blushed in response. when you two walk through the doorway, everyone cheers. you greet everyone as usual, and beomgyu tries his best to keep his searing jealousy at bay, but his anxiety starts clawing at him as soobin seats himself next to you and asks you how you are. 
you giggle and tell him you’re doing well, and he responds by updating you on his tumultuous work life. beomgyu immediately wonders why you haven’t told soobin about your new relationship. are you embarrassed to be seen with him? it’s not like he doesn’t understand, what with him technically being made out of wires and machinery. of course a human like you wouldn’t want to be seen with a metal man like him. you could have the entire world in your hands if you wanted, so what’s the point of playing pretend with a fake like him? maybe, if he were you, he’d be embarrassed, too. he likes to think that maybe you aren’t like that, but at the end of the day, how could you not be? he’s nothing more than a robot masquerading as the real thing. 
his anxiety worsens the more in depth your conversation with soobin gets. you try to include him by briefly giving him context about the stories soobin tells, but he can’t stop himself from worrying. again, he feels like soobin is stealing you away from him, and his mood sours. 
your other friends try to talk to him, too, but he’s very obviously in a bad mood as he watches you two continue to laugh together. when you finally do turn to beomgyu, you immediately notice how awful he looks. 
“beoms? are you alright?” you ask gingerly, but beomgyu’s discomfort is not at all placated even at the term of endearment. 
“‘m fine,” he mumbles, and you’re genuinely in shock at his change of attitude. soobin looks very concerned, but he excuses himself to get a drink so you two can work it out, though he has an inkling of an idea of what’s triggering beomgyu. 
“what’s wrong with you?” you ask concernedly, but he shakes his head sulkily.
“do you wanna go home?” you offer, and he immediately nods. you look torn for a second, but when you see how sad he looks, you know you can’t deny him.
you say your goodbyes to your friends and apologize for leaving early, but everyone says they understand. soobin makes you promise to host the next get together, though, to which you happily agree. 
the ride home is mostly silent, but you look over to beomgyu in concern every so often. you grab his hand and squeeze it in a way you hope is comforting, but he doesn’t look any better at all.
when you enter your house, you immediately head to your bedroom, and he follows you in silence. you sit on the bed and pat the space next to you. 
“beoms, what’s the matter?” you ask pleadingly as you grab his hands, and his heart, which was previously aching, is (a little) soothed by your concern. 
“i-it’s nothing,” he answers, but you can tell that he’s lying because of the way he refuses to make eye contact with you. 
“baby, i can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong,” you say. you’re right, and he knows you’re right, but you’re already doing him the favor of a lifetime just by deigning to be with him. how could he dare to ask for more? he’s ashamed at the thought, but you look so sincere, and he knows in his metaphorical heart that he needs to be able to communicate with you if you two are going to have any shot at a lasting relationship.
“i-i’m just j-jealous,” he sputters. 
“oh, baby, why?” you ask. 
“because i’m not like you,” he admits after a pause. “i already feel like i’m not good enough for you, so seeing you with someone who actually is makes me feel awful.”
“who? soobin?” and you’re absolutely petrified when he sheepishly nods. 
“honey, it’s not like that at all,” you tell him. “we’re just friends, i promise.” 
“but it would be so much easier to be with him. you wouldn’t have to be ashamed about telling everyone you’re with an android,” he argues. 
“beomgyu, i am not ashamed of you. i just wasn’t sure if you felt comfortable with me telling everyone. if you want me to tell them, i’ll happily do it. you’re so good, how could i ever be embarrassed of you?” his eyes soften.
“do you mean it?” he asks, and you nod. 
“do i not show it enough? how much i love you, i mean.” he furiously shakes his head no, but you know it’s a lie. beomgyu himself will admit that he needs more validation than most people, and it’s going to take him a while to ever get over it because of his own issues. that doesn’t mean you can’t try to help him, though, so you brush his cheek with your hands before wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. 
“does this make you feel better?” you ask after you pull away, but he still looks somewhat depressed, so you pull him in again before pressing your lips against his. this time, you swipe your tongue on his pout, which makes him gasp. you tease your tongue against his and electricity thrums between you two when you do it. he reciprocates your enthusiasm immediately, and before long, you’re both sucking and teasing each other until you’re out of breath.
you pull away again and rest your forehead against his. 
“better?” you question.
“a little,” he says. “m-maybe a little more?” you grin at his coquettishness, and you go in for another kiss. your tongues tangle, but you don’t stop there. your mouth travels, peppering kisses down his jaw to his sensitive neck. he shivers at the contact when you swipe your tongue over his unmarred skin before lightly sucking. he lets out a broken moan when you do it, and it reverberates throughout your entire body and straight to your core. 
“better?” you ask again.
“m-more,” he pants. 
“anything you want, baby,” you tease before your lips hungrily capture his. one of your hands snakes its way up his shirt, and he gasps when you roll his hardened nipple between your fingers. beomgyu is more sensitive than most people, as is the nature of his model, so every little touch drives him crazy. 
you seem to have noticed this, so when your other hand palms his hardened length through his sweatpants and he almost screams, you have to bite back a giggle. 
“d-don’t tease,” he begs, and you’d do anything for beomgyu, really, but not this time.
you palm him even more harshly and his breath catches in his throat. 
“more?” you ask, and he fervently nods. you oblige, sliding your hand under his waistband and teasing the sensitive skin around his length. your fingers brush against it every so often, and he involuntarily bucks every time you do. 
“c-can i touch you?” he practically implores.
“of course, my love,” you tell him as you remove your devious hands and pull your top off before unclipping your bra. 
his mouth waters when he sees you, and you can see him gulp almost comically as his big hands meet your breasts. he copies your movement from earlier, rolling your sensitive buds between his very clearly experienced fingers. you let out a contented sigh at the action, but you won’t let this be all about you, so your hand sneaks it way back down his pants. this time, you grab his girthy cock and give it a harsh tug. his actions stutter, and you smirk devilishly at how fucked out he is when the fun part hasn’t even begun. 
you pull at his waistband, and he eagerly tugs his pants and boxers off as soon you do it. he even goes as far as to tear his t-shirt off over his head before he pulls your half-naked body flush against his, falling onto the bed as he desperately kisses you for everything that you’re worth. eventually, he situates himself on top of you, rutting his thick, long cock onto your still clothed thigh. you didn’t really get a chance to get a good look at him before, but you’re able to look down at him now, and you realize his dick is gorgeous. just like every other part of him. it stands tall, blushing profusely at the tip and practically weeping precum. it’s a bit hooked, too, no doubt to elicit the most pleasure out of his clients. your pussy is drenched just thinking about how it’ll feel when it’s inside of you.
he almost rips your bottoms off of you and his mouth waters even more at the sight of your pussy, all slick and glistening in anticipation for what’s to come. 
“so gorgeous,” he whispers as he prepares to lay himself between your legs, but you hook them around his waist before he can do so. tonight will be all about him, you’ve decided, so you tug him closer and put one of his pretty nipples in your mouth, swirling your tongue on it and occasionally nipping at the sensitive skin. your other hand continues to tweak the other one before you alternate between the two, causing him to let out a low, guttural groan. 
eventually, he goes in for another kiss, all tongue and teeth and saliva, and you take one of your hands and harshly clench around the base of his throbbing cock. 
“is this what you needed, beoms?” you tease, and he nods pathetically as you tug again, harder this time, and let your hands stroke all the way up to his reddened tip. your thumb glides over his slit, and he’s seeing stars. 
“i don’t know why you’re so jealous of someone else, my love. you’re so perfect,” you praise, and his ears get even redder, somehow, in spite of the situation you’re both in.
“i — nghh — i don’t like when you’re with him,” he pants, in spite of everything you're doing to him. “only want you with me.”
“oh, baby, you have me,” you coo. “always.” and with that, you begin to feverishly jerk him off with one hand while the other returns to his nipple. his hips buck with every movement, and his eyes are screwed shut. you can tell he’s about to come before you completely take your hands off of him. 
“n-no! w-why?” he asks with a crack in his voice, watery eyes shooting open at the sudden action.
“don’t you wanna come in my pussy, instead? it’s warmer and wetter than my hand,” you ask with faux innocence with a tilt of your head, and his previously aggrieved demeanor morphs back into pure lust. 
“that’s what i thought,” you giggle as you grab his length and rub it against your slickness. he groans at the feeling, but you don’t immediately take him in, opting to instead roll your hips up, just barely letting his flared head catch against your entrance. 
“baby, please,” he whines, and with a smirk, you finally wrap your legs around his waist and line him up with your entrance. you just barely take the tip in, easing it into your pussy, before you force him out again. he gasps raggedly at how tight you are, and he’s wound up so much, he feels like he’s on the brink of exploding. he’s about to take matters into his own hands before you guide him back inside of you, and he feels your walls struggling to accommodate him. 
“s-so tight! h-how are you so tight?” he hisses, eyes reddened and face strained, but you’re far too busy with the euphoric feeling of him finally inside of you to reply. he eases in inch after throbbing inch, and it is a snug fit, indeed. he almost wonders if he’ll even fit, but though the stretch burns you, the pleasure is too great to ignore. finally, your walls slightly relax, and he’s able to completely sheath himself in you. you both moan as his tip pulsates against your cervix, and he considerately gives you time to adjust, walls contracting wildly around him, before he attempts to pull out and really begin. 
“stop,” you command before he can do so, and his eyes fill with worry at your words. 
“w-what’s wrong?” he stutters. 
“oh, nothing,” you say between pants. “i just want to see how long you can last.” 
“w-what do you —”
and you interrupt him with a kiss. he ravenously reciprocates it, and he can’t help but unconsciously thrust his hips, tapping deliciously on the deepest parts of you, but you prevent him from ever fully pulling out. you tangle one of your hands through his hair and grip it — not hard enough to hurt, but enough to make him groan into your mouth. 
“c-can i move?” he pleads, but you shake your head no. 
“why?” he whimpers, but you just smirk as you kiss him again and bite his bottom lip. 
he doesn’t know how long you two stay like that, but it’s far too long for his liking. he feels his dick swell, and you still refuse to let him move, but you teasingly scrape your fingers against his balls and it’s all he can do not to come. 
“p-please let me move, it hurts,” he cries, tears now flowing from his eyes. for once, sex is all about beomgyu and what feels good to him. he could cry just from the sentiment alone, but his current tears are the direct result of how you’re teasing him.
“and where does it hurt, baby? use your words, i know you can.” 
“h-hurts, my c-cock hurts,” he sputters out. 
“and would pounding my pussy make you feel better?” you goad, and he whines even louder at the imagery. 
“y-yes,” he sobs, and you smile as you say your next words.
“such a good boy. you can move.” and that’s all it takes, really, before he’s pulling out despite your cunt’s attempts to suck him back in, and ramming himself back inside of you again and again.
the curve of his cock hits places previously untouched, and your walls spasm around him at the sensation.
“does it feel good, beoms?” 
“s-so good,” he mumbles as drool pools off of his tongue and out of his mouth, eyes rolling to the back of his head. “so warm and t-tight.” you clench against your will at his filthy words, and it makes a strangled cry leave his throat. 
“pussy so good, baby. your pussy is the b-best,” he babbles, and your lips meet his again before your mouth travels down, sucking a blooming hickey onto his neck. he trembles at the pain that comes with the pleasure, but somehow, he still has the presence of mind to roll his skilled fingers against your clit. just a few touches, and you already feel your orgasm approaching. he can feel every spasm of yours, and it makes his dick twitch inside of you as he wildly fucks you open. 
he’s drilling into you so hard, you have to dig your fingernails into the skin of his back to keep yourself grounded. with each thrust, you feel more and more like you’re about to burst. 
“gonna come!” you whine. 
“do it, baby. c-come all over my cock,” he pleads.
“come inside? want it so bad,” you mewl.
“of course, my angel. a-anything for you,” he tells you as he tenderly brushes your hair out of your sweaty face, and he hammers himself into you at an inhuman pace as you feel the pressure in you crescendo into a searing hot orgasm. you clench even tighter around him while you come, gripping him so forcefully he can barely pull out, so his thrusts become sloppy and uncoordinated before he rams himself into you one last time and paints your inner walls with his cum.
you two stay like that for a while, just panting and basking in the feeling of closeness you feel. he presses a kiss on your forehead as he relaxes his arms and lays on top of you. you giggle at the intimacy and he finds himself sharing your laughter, your joy. 
“you’re so beautiful,” he says between breaths, nuzzling his face into your neck and sighing. “i love you.”
“i love you, too, beoms,” you tell him, and you do love him. unconditionally.
notes pt. 3: :,) :,) :,)))))) i'm very sorry if this was disappointing but i hope it was worth it! i would love to hear your thoughts or answer any questions you may have about this fic/universe. feedback is needed to a disgusting degree bc i need validation to survive #sorry
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