#honestly did not mean for this to be as depressing as it is
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Yah so how the fuck did Remus manage to "forgive" Sirius? And why does everyone in the fandom always take The Prank as an opportunity to make Wolfstar angst... Like...no?
I'm sick of seeing posts that are like "Sirius going back to his house and having a breakdown" "Remus not talking to Sirius to Sirius sends him a letter about how sad and depressed he is because none of their friends are talking to him". Oh my gosh. ENOUGH OF THAT đźâđš
Oh no, the consequences to my own fucking actions--- No SHIT, Remus doesn't want to speak with you. WHY WOULD HE??? And people just completely shove Severus into the corner as if he wasn't also going through something. This fandom man...
Honestly, Iâve never been interested in Wolfstar, and not because I dislike the characters but because it doesnât make sense to me. I mean, if I had to choose a pairing for Sirius among his friends, for me, it would clearly be James, because Sirius was literally obsessed with him. He wasnât just his best friend; Siriusâ entire life revolved around James, and even 12 years after his death, he couldnât move on, to the point of projecting James onto Harry and getting upset when he realized they were two different people. Look, Molly Weasley gives me the creeps, but she was absolutely right when she called him out, saying that sometimes it seemed like he wasnât seeing Harry but Jamesâbecause thatâs exactly what was happening.
But beyond that, Sirius shows absolutely zero interest in Remus or at least zero empathy. Itâs clear that if there was any glue holding the group together, it was James. James had more sense than the two ringleaders combined, or at least more common sense to know where the limits were. He was also the one who took care of Remus when he had nowhere to go after finishing school. My theory is basically that Sirius hung out with Remus and Peter because James tolerated them, and because having a werewolf friend gave him an excuse to act recklessly. If we look at SWM, Sirius remarks that he wishes it were a full moon because heâs bored. He couldnât care less that for Remus itâs a traumatic moment each month, because for Sirius, it means going out, living dangerously, and messing around with his friends. Whatâs a trauma for Remus is an opportunity for fun for Sirius. He doesnât consider what it represents for his friend; he doesnât show that his reason for becoming an animagus is to provide moral support. Instead, heâs WISHING for the moment his supposed friend dreads most because, for him, itâs an exciting event. Thatâs not appreciating someoneâitâs seeing them as a means to an end, a tool. Thatâs pure utilitarianism, not friendship.
Now, letâs move on to the facts. In âThe Prank,â Sirius doesnât care about the consequences. He thinks itâs funny and is totally thoughtless because thatâs just who he isâsomeone who was never taught about morals or ethics and who basically chose a different âsideâ than his familyâs just to spite them. Heâs a rebellious and chaotic spirit who despises snobbery, and thatâs about it. Thereâs no deeper philosophy, no deconstruction. Deep down, he behaves like any other Black, believing he has the right to control othersâwhether itâs ending someoneâs life if theyâre âstupid enough to fall for the trapâ (Severus, in this case), which he justifies by saying they deserved it, or using others for his malicious ends (Remus). Itâs James who has a modicum of conscience and who thinks about the consequences, stopping Severus because James was taught values and understands that certain lines shouldnât be crossed. But also, I think James genuinely cared about Remus and probably understood what it might mean for him to end someoneâs life.
Then thereâs the post-Hogwarts relationship. Remus is always portrayed as being very close to the group when canonically, Peter was the one who was always trailing James and Sirius like a cheerleader. Ultimately, they chose Peter over Remus to be the Secret Keeper. This happened because CANONICALLY, Remus had distanced himself from the group, and CANONICALLY, it was Sirius who suggested Peter because he didnât trust Remusâthinking he might have joined the dark side. This wasnât something that came from Lily or James; it came from Sirius. Sirius was the one who considered that Remus might have betrayed them. Is that really what a true friend would think? How can people even consider thereâs chemistry or a sexual subtext between them when canonically, Sirius repeatedly demonstrates that he doesnât care about Remus at all? He only starts paying attention to him years later, after escaping Azkaban and realizing his best friend is dead, and his personal cheerleader turned out to be a traitor who ruined his life. Then, when only the two of them are left standing, Sirius starts giving him attentionâbut only because heâs the last one left. Thatâs it. Even Rowling herself described Remus ages ago as âthe third wheel in a two-person relationship,â referring to Sirius and James. Seriously.
And letâs not forget that Remus never doubted that Sirius could be a traitor eitherâhe always believed him guilty. Itâs funny when theyâre portrayed as missing each other, but missing each other from what? Remus thought Sirius was scum the whole time! And how could he not? Heâd seen Sirius be cruel, even sadistic, and show zero remorse. Itâs no wonder it fit for him to think Sirius had lost his mind.
As for how Remus handled all this, itâs no mystery: Remus is very similar to Severus in terms of his position. He was a vulnerable kid clinging to any lifeline to keep a low profile and feel safe. Sirius and James provided that safetyâthey made him feel protected and accepted. He never raised his voice or questioned their decisions because the mere thought of being rejected terrified him. Even as an adult, he keeps justifying their crap because heâs clearly incapable of going against those who gave him a place when he needed it. Remus is also a terribly cowardly manâhe doesnât have the guts to confront things. He has a super avoidant personality, which is crystal clear when he leaves a 13-years-younger pregnant woman because he canât handle the pressure. A 17-year-old kid has to make him come backâis there anything more pathetic than that? At 38? Sirius clearly hurt him, but Remus knew that confronting Sirius meant confronting James, and if James had to choose between the two, he would always choose Sirius. So it wasnât in Remusâ interest to speak up or express how he really felt because the idea of losing the protection that came with being their friend was far worse than feeling like crap over what Sirius did. Thatâs it, plain and simple.
Honestly, itâs such a shame and a total waste that everything gets reduced to couples and absurd adolescent dramas when the dynamics among those four âfriendsâ are fascinating because theyâre built on pure power relations and are deeply dysfunctional. But instead of exploring that, which I find genuinely interesting, it all gets thrown away, their personalities are rewritten, and itâs all turned into cheap teen soap operas. But whatever.
#remus lupin#sirius black#wolfstar#james potter#petter pettigrew#marauders#the marauders#marauders era#the marauders era#marauders analysis#the marauders analysis#moony wormtail padfoot and prongs#harry potter meta
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ⶠRATING YOUR DRS â¶
âŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠ
â hogwarts 7/10 ok so I personally havent even watched harry potter but it seems awesome,, hogwarts is a classic since basically every shifter has a hogwarts dr but who wouldnt wanna learn magic ?! at the same time i also kinda dont get why you would want to shift to a school from all places ALSO CONSIDERING HOW MANY PEOPLE THERE ARE AND HOW MEAN SOME OF THE TEACHERS ARE BUT
â twilight 7/10 i used to LOVE twilight when i was like 12 (confession i was team jacob ,, and lowk still am.. HES HOTTER OK DONT BLAME ME) and i LOVE the vibe,, highly depends on who youre shifting for tho (if its alice then 8/10 shes like wow)
â fame 7/10 ok i keep rating everything 7 but IDK fame is good but i feel like id get bored after like a few shifts (even though i still have a fame dr) but if you know how to spice it up for yourself then good for you!! (bonus points if its set in the 70s-2000s)
â mermaid 8/10 rated it an 8 instead of a 7 because i keep rating everything 7⊠anyways its cool but again i feel like i would get bored (unless you know how to spice it up AGAIN) i do fw mermaid more because its like magical and you can script in a forbidden fling with a human or something.. (can you tell i have commitment issues) now i want to make a mermaid dr and design my tail omg
â band/music artist 8/10 as most of yall probably know i do have a band dr so how could i rate it anything lower?! anyways i love hearing about peoples band drs (or any drs for that matter but especially bands bc i can get inspo for my own teehee) i think developing everything for that dr can be super fun and putting together your little group and whatnot
â apocalypse 8/10 would probably have rated this much lower if i hadnt seen those aesthetic slideshow games on tiktok where youre packing for and trying to survive an apocalypse BUT i feel like if you scripted in safety and good vibes it could be a lot of fun and now i wanna make a zombie apocalypse dr..
â the backrooms 6/10 you are BOLD for that,, i get creeped out by just watching a tiktok about them (im aware that the backrooms were on my dr ideas post..) it lowkey depends who youre with because shifting there alone would actually be CRAZY..
â better cr 5.5/10 i dont really get the consept of this like if i were to make a better cr i would FIRST OF ALL change basically everything and atp it wouldnt even be a better cr just a good dr ykwim and how do you come back after shifting there and not feel depressed asfđ
â heartbreak high 5.5/10 i feel like not many people have seen this show and also i dont really fw shifting to shows or movies as much as your own creations but i did like the show itself,, i honestly i wouldnt personally shift there since the vibes are like too.. like 2020 and some people are real assholes but you do you it could be super fun id actually love to know about all the drama
â euphoria 6/10 idk why i like euphoria more than heartbreak high they lowkey give me the same vibe but euphoria is like a better version (i literally havent even seen this but i did watch like 2 hours worth of it from tiktok) ANYWAYS most people there are ASSHOLES too and again PERSONALLY WOULDNT WANT TO GO THERE but again would love to hear more about the drama because there must be tons of that
â monster high 9/10 ok so why did i not think of this before i LOVED monster high when i was a child but im lowkey scared of shifting to an animated world idk it feels off.. the vibes and there tho love that for you
â dead poets society 8/10 again personally havent watched it but from what ive heard it seems cool (that with about 200 other movies have been sitting on my watchlist for years but my commitment issues are so bad i cant commit to watching one movie so i will probably never watch it oops) anyways i want to make a secret society dr now
â my little pony 7/10 oh little me would have LOVED this but again i cant with the animated drs ESPECIALLY considering you would be a PONY?? i need to know how this feels or like what.. i love mlp but honestly (tw: opinion) TWILIGHT IS SO ANNOYING I COULD NOTTTT STAND HER ASS (yes i do know id be able to script her out but i like complaining)
#reality shifting#shiftblr#shifters#shifting#shifting antis dni#shifting blog#shifting community#shifting consciousness#shifting diary#shifting script#shifting to hogwarts#shifts#shift#shifting motivation#shiftingrealities#fame dr#boarding school dr#dr s/o#small town dr#hogwarts dr#band dr#dr ideas#dr idea#desired reality
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I donât care how niche it is I need more milf seb/mick đ«đ«đ«
ask and ye shall receive!!!
warning for mentions of underage masturbation, fucked up relationship dynamics, blink-and-you'll-miss-it michael/seb, objectively bad sex, and angst!
1877 words
***
Mick knows better than to enter Sebâs room unannounced. Thatâs why he does it.
Usually, it doesnât amount to much. Most often: a quirked brow over the top of whatever book Seb is reading that day as she lounges in bed, steadfastly ignoring the kids shrieking their heads off outside her window as they chase each other around the garden. Sometimes, sheâs asleep, just the knit blanket pulled over her to keep cool during the summer afternoons, pale skin peeking through the fabric like a promise.
Mick always lingers too long in the doorway, whether she knows heâs there or not.
Sebâs been coming to the summer house so long that the spare bedroom has become firmly and undeniably hers, but Mick canât remember when he stopped knocking. Maybe when he was sixteen, and heâd caught a glimpse of her through a gap in the curtains, her back naked and gleaming from the shower. He remembers that summer vividly, despite the fact that heâd spent most of it under the covers in his bedroom wanking himself raw to the memory of that brief flash of skin.
Seb isnât his. He canât have her. But he wants.
Itâs a shock to his system when he opens the door this time to find Seb naked and sprawled out in a mess of tangled sheets. Mickâs mouth goes dry. He stops short in the doorway, like he always does, but Seb makes no move to cover herself with the blanket lying in a crumpled ball near her hip.
âYouâd better close the door,â is all she says in a calm, level voice.
Mick takes another step inside. He closes the door. Then he stares.
Seb lifts her eyebrows but doesnât tell him to leave. She doesnât get up either, still lying there in the same position Mick had found her in.
âDinnerâs almost ready,â Mick finally manages to tell her.
âDonât think Iâm up for it tonight,â Seb replies.
Mick finally takes in the whole scene as he stands there; the way Seb is holding her right arm at an awkward angle to her body, the slight tightness in her expression, the tube of some sort of medicated ointment sitting with the cap off at her feet.
âDid you hurt yourself?â he asks her. It almost feels like a normal conversation now, or it would if Seb wasnât naked, what little remains of her modesty only preserved by the angle of her bent knee shadowing her groin. But Mick can still see her breasts, her nipples soft and malleable still in the warm air, and itâs about all he can do to keep his eyes locked on her own.
âMy shoulder,â Seb replies with a taut smile. âNot as flexible as I used to be.â
Mick wants to ask what she was doing that requires flexibility, but that isnât the sort of thing you ask a friend of the family, not even one heâs known for so long that they could practically be familyâand that really isnât the kind of thought he should have about someone heâs fantasized about every time heâs had a hand on his cock over the course of the last eight years of his life.
âOh,â Mick says instead, still frozen just centimeters from the doorway. Itâs all he can muster up in response. He should leave, he thinks, before he embarrasses himself any further. But he canât seem to make himself turn around.
âCan youâŠ?â Seb says with a vague hand gesture.
It takes Mick a second to realize she means for him to help her retrieve the ointment from the foot of the bed. Already, before he even takes a step forward, he has visions of slick hands against Sebâs skin dancing in his head.
He keeps his head down as he approaches the bed. He has to look at her at some point, he knows this, but it feels forbidden. Something he canât come back from.
Mick carefully picks up the tube of ointment and squints down at the label. It isnât any kind of muscle relaxant or pain reliever heâs ever used.
âYouâll need gloves,â Seb says in a soft voice. âYou shouldnât get it on your skin.â
Mick still doesnât get it. He looks up at her from the foot of the bed, confused.
âItâs estradiol cream,â Seb explains. âFor menopause.â
Mick scrunches his eyebrows together. His mother had just undergone menopause. Seb is almost twenty years younger. âYouââ he starts to say, before realizing he has no idea how to finish that sentence. âI donât have any gloves,â he says instead.
âThatâs okay,â Seb replies simply. âThere are condoms in my bag.â
Mickâs face goes hot, and he turns around immediately, though he knows there isnât any hiding the blush that must be lighting up the back of his neck like a beacon. He finds her bag where it always is, open and still not unpacked, right next to the dresser that remains stubbornly empty year after year. It takes a bit of digging to find the condoms, and as he pulls them out in one big, long strip, he canât help but wonder why she even has them at all.
Mick tears one off but doesnât open it. He approaches the bed again, this time from the side, careful not to look at her as much as he wants.
âWhat do IâŠ?â Mick has no idea how this works. âDo I just rub it on your back or something?â He assumes thatâs what had done her shoulder in.
Seb stifles a laugh as she shakes her head. âIt goes inside me,â she says, casual as anything.
The condom in Mickâs hand suddenly feels weightier than it should. âOh.â He still doesnât move to unwrap the condom. The tube of cream sits on the bed next to Seb, untouched. âYou have to tell me,â Mick pleads in a small voice. âYou have to tell me what I should do.â
Mick watches the gears turn in Sebâs head as he stares at her. He wonders if she never realized before that the way he panted after her every summer wasnât out of childish admiration, but something else. Something hotter and darker.
âYou can,â she says at last. âIf youâre careful.â
âI want to,â Mick says, almost delirious with it. âI want to be careful.â
Seb smiles and says nothing. She opens her legs.
Mick has to close his eyes for a moment. Itâs like a camera flash, the ruddy flush of her parted cunt imprinted on the backs of his eyelids.
When he opens them again, heâs already hard in his jeans, and he has to drop the condom onto the bedspread so he can rip them off, his shirt following shortly after in a flurry, tossed carelessly onto the floor. Something to worry about later.
The condom doesnât go on easy, and Seb isnât any help. Mick hasnât had much practice, admittedly, and he burns with embarrassment from his head to his toes as he struggles to roll the condom over himself in a hurry. He somehow manages to snap the ring at the base against the underside of his cock at the very end, and the stinging pain radiates outwards from the point of contact with a strange heat that emerges from his mouth in the form of a low moan.
âYou like a bit of pain?â Seb asks with a smirk.
Mick nods, though he isnât even sure itâs true. He thinks maybe heâs just so overwhelmed by the imminent moment that he canât process anything else, that all of him is so focused on the idea of being inside Seb that his brain is incapable of interpreting any other signals. Theyâre all getting turned away at the gate.
He has to move back up the length of her body once the condom is on, teeth gritted as she applies the cream to the very tip of his cock, careful not to let any spill onto the sheets.
âItâll melt,â she tells him. âYouâll have to be quick.â
Mick doesnât need any further encouragement.
He feels like a virgin again when he pushes inside her, nothing but the slickness of the cream guiding the way. Sheâs hot inside, which shouldnât be a surprise, but it takes Mickâs breath away, nevertheless. He doesnât think heâll last long, and he doesnât think he can make her come, but Seb doesnât ask for anything. She lies there, seemingly content as Mick fucks in and out of her, almost frustratingly nonreactive.
"Did youââ Mick stops himself short again, slowing down the pace of his thrusts instead. This time, he knows what he wants to ask, but he doesnât know if he wants to hear the answer. He thinks it might hurt too much.
âKeep going,â Seb says. The look on her face says, âthis is enoughâ, but it doesnât feel like it for Mick.
This is everything heâs ever wanted, but it isnât the way he wants it. He canât have her the way he wants. He knows that. Itâs already too late.
They barely touch as Mick fucks her, his hands pressed against the mattress on either side of her pillow. Heâs careful not to press down on her. He doesnât want to hurt her, he tells himself. (A lie.) Sheâs tight inside, and Mick thinks that without the condom or the cream, it would hurt them both. Like this, itâs just enough friction, just enough pressure that the condom almost doesnât seem to matter. He can feel every part of her cunt around his cock; he thinks he could memorize her, just from this, that heâd be able to tell it was her even with his eyes closed.
He comes disappointingly soon, with a too-loud cry that heâs afraid to muffle against the inviting skin of her throat. As soon as itâs over, he pulls out and rolls over onto his back, already trying not to cry.
âYou werenât a virgin, were you?â Seb asks.
Mick doesnât think she means it unkindly, but it still stings. He shakes his head.
âYou should let me take the condom off,â she adds as he continues to lay there without moving, his dick finally starting to soften against his belly. âAnd make sure you wash up, too, before you go to dinner.â
Mick doesnât say a word as he kneels next to Seb on the bed and waits for her to peel the condom off with an almost agonizing slowness. When sheâs finished, she gestures to the adjoining bathroom.
Mick takes a long time, careful to wash any part of himself that had touched her. He scrubs his dick raw with the damp cloth, until it hurts so bad that that he has to bite his fist to keep from crying out loud enough for Seb to hear him beyond the bathroom door.
After he emerges a few minutes later, his soft, red cock cradled protectively in one hand, Seb is asleep on her left side, her back turned to him. Mick redresses quietly at the foot of her bed, watching the gentle ebb and flow of her sleep-breathing.
When Mick opens the door again to leave, he doesnât linger.
#smick#f1 rpf#f1 smut#my fic#honestly did not mean for this to be as depressing as it is#was shooting for s*xy m*lf vibes and missed
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Wowie rly digging the yandere clone headcanons⊠how would each react if their darling tried to run away from them?!
You said tried so I assume this was a failed attempt!
Short answer: they get really upset and try making it your fault (shocker.) Ain't no way any of these mfs think they're the problem. Good news! you're mostly unharmed and alive.
This will just be purely writing bc i mostly had thoughts! sorry no drawing this time!!
[cw! mentions of potential harm to reader (no actual harm done), manipulation, toxic relationship dynamics (yandere flavor), obsessive behavior]
Sekido
You're always being hunted the moment the sun comes down and you don't return home in time. Reasons like that are exactly why he hates it when you part from him.Â
This time is different.. he can't find you in your usual spots. There's no fucking way, right?
How could you.. No, how DARE you? Do you think that he's some joke? That his feelings for you are something that you can run away from like it's nothing?Â
The second he's sure the sun won't harm him, he's already white knuckling his khakkhara, swinging at anything and everything in his path until he gets to you.
They know how to sense if you're near or not, hell, they probably know how your specific blood type smells like.Â
Did you think cuddling up to you and memorizing every detail about you was for nothing? Don't be stupid. All he needs is a trace of you and he's gone in the blink of an eye.
You better enjoy running while you can because when he catches you, and he will, those legs of yours won't have much use after he's done with them.Â
Sekido doesn't WANT to do this, but you honestly give him no choice. After he trusted you enough to stop looking over his shoulder, you do this? How can he ever put any faith in you again!?
On the bright(?) side, Sekido's rage wouldn't be solely on you, it'll ricochet onto everyone, especially the other clones and himself.Â
They were supposed to be looking after you! But they can't do anything right, even a task as simple as this.Â
And why did he think it was a good idea to trust them with something of big importance when all they do is fuck everything up!? Everyone's idiocy is rubbing off on him!
The entire time on his search for you, he's cursing and wanting to crush anything he can get his hands on, especially your bones.Â
He doesn't even bother with speaking to the others, too busy spewing out all sorts of hurtful and frustrated comments about everything.Â
The brutal thought that youâd rather run away than be with him isn't one he wants to entertain, but it's echoing in his head.
At least, once the other clones get there, Karaku and Aizetsu brawl with Sekido so you're unharmed while Urogi carries you overhead.Â
Sekido's jealousy flares up when he sees you in Urogi's arms, making him even more pissed if that's even possible. Great, now he looks like the bad guy and the other three, the saviors. Fucking perfect.
There's a lot of yelling and a lot of blood, especially with Urogi making things so much more annoyingly difficult in the air. Karaku and Aizetsu aren't helping. Why is Sekido suddenly the problem?! You ran away!!Â
But when he calms down enough, he's cursing at everyone through clenched teeth. Sometimes trying to convince the others that you don't even need your legs anyway!!
Once you get back home (or temporary prison until you somehow regain favor), Sekido will eye your legs while gripping his staff from time to time.Â
Exactly why he's forbidden to be in a room alone with you for a while until he settles down..
He glares at you more often and grows colder than before. Arguments are more common where he twists your words just to have you talk with him and be angry within reason.Â
Any other type of conversation makes him so irrationally upset that the others need to step in so that he doesn't lose his temper again.
Karaku
The calmest out of the group. He brushes it off as âyou're playing hard to getâ again, and if he makes a ruckus, you'll scamper back and beg him to stop like always!
Then it gets darker out.. and when Sekido left, he seemed pretty pissed. Like more than usual..... shit.
Karaku sprints after Sekido when it clicks that he's found you. His mind starts reeling, unsure whether he should laugh at the absurdity of your decisions or get pissed off because you didn't even bother to give a hint!Â
Not like that would do anything aside from give you away but regardless!
Everyone needs to relax, this is obviously something they can sweep under the rug. This isn't that big of a deal and you're just having a fit, but things like these can get you hurt, y'know?Â
They're fun and all, sure, just maybe give him a heads up next time, yeah? Sekido can't take a joke, you know this!!! Still.. There's a way Karaku can work with this.
He'll be able to swoop in, save you, be your hero, and remind you why staying with him is kinda important. Just in case you forgot~Â
You don't wanna be out and about without his charming grin and protective hold would you? Don't answer that right now, he has a feeling you'll say something wrong!
Yet.. what if you need a firmer hand to remind you of what Karaku provides? What if you got a little too comfortable being protected so you thought you'd be alright leaving them? Man, who knew you could be spoiled!
Because of this, he would purposely fumble, letting Sekido get near you just so he can stop him at the perfect moment. He purposely gets hit too and makes sure some blood gets near you. To remind you how that could've been yours.
When Sekido calms down, Karaku laughs in your face and would pinch your cheeks if you weren't up in the air with Urogi on the way home.
You should've seen your face! It was really cute~! Maybe getting scared is your thing? He'll note that for later.
He offhandedly advises you not to do things like that all the time, fighting Sekido always kinda sucks, but it's not like you actually had a chance of successfully running away so he won't chastise you too much for it.Â
That's not his job, and his heart hasnât pumped that fast in a long time.. not even in a fight! You're so amazing~~
And delusional if you think he's not going to milk this âheroismâ thing back there for some extra affection points with you.Â
Don't be so mean. he got his head blown off twice and jaw dislocated thrice, not to mention everywhere else on his body. Don't you think those parts of him need some extra loving? more than usual?
There's not that much Karaku can say after that aside from reminiscing like it was a funny story. He's not upset about it, mostly a little miffed you got kinda far without him noticing, but he gets over it.Â
The usual routine starts back up for him when you're back home. It's like nothing happened, but he keeps a closer eye on you since everyone's so tense.
Urogi
If you're not home before the sun sets, Urogi's clawing at the walls with stress. He usually accompanies Sekido to go find you, but this time is different. Urogi could just barely tell you were around.. When Sekido bolts, Urogi's flying as fast as he can, trying to find you first.Â
You're so far.. you must've gotten kidnapped!!!!!
The stress from before burns into anger, expecting to see someone having their hands on you while you're calling out in vain. How could he let this happen?! Damn sun!Â
He darts through the skies even faster imagining it, and when he finally reaches you, you look.. fine? and alone. and looking at him like he's the danger. He's here to save you, dummy..
Urogi falls to his knees, burying his face against your stomach and finally wrapping his arms around you again. Your fists violently hit his head and yank fistfuls of hair back, but it doesn't phase him.Â
Your comforting warmth is back, that's all that matters. And god, your smell.. it's almost making him dizzy. He missed you so much.
There's many holes to the story in Urogi's head as to why you're so far from home, but he fills them in with more convoluted delusions. It's just a peaceful reunion right now..Â
That is until Sekido finally arrives and starts swinging his khakkhara way too close to your fragile bones.Â
Now he's back in defense mode where he scoops you up and tries flying out of reach. This is so stressful!!! There's lightning everywhere and he keeps having to dodge the multiple staffs thrown his way.Â
He shields you with his wings as best he can while trying to stay in the air, so you don't get hurt during Sekido's outburst.
In the skies, it's much clearer to see the hurt behind the haunting glow of Urogi's eyes. Did you care about how he might feel? Did you miss him at all? Did you not feel loved enough? Did someone say something to you?Â
As he maneuvers the sky, he holds you as tightly as possible, lightly digging his talons into your skin.
Being without you for a couple hours is agonizing enough on its own. If you HAD left him, abandoned, cold, alone.. he doesn't want to think about it. All that matters is that your kidnappers or liars or whatever influenced you are gone, and you're back safe with them!!!Â
You.. you still like him, right? Of course you do, fate wouldn't force your paths together if it wasn't for a reason!
Coming back home is uncomfortably tense, especially with how violently Aizetsu kicked Urogi across the room, nearly through the wall, when he tried to lick your wounds clean. It really hurt!Â
When you're patched up, Urogi is ten times as clingy if that's possible. He has his arms looped around you constantly so you can't stray too far, and if his hands are busy, he always has his wings!
As happy as he is that you're back, he can't help but cry into your chest sometimes. Everything is so tense nowadays, he hates it! How could you go and do something like that? Apologize immediately! Or at least hold him too? Doubt creeps in a lot, and your attitude isn't helping..Â
His mood swings are stronger. From sobbing uncontrollably into your clothes to being all smiles and radiating with joy the next just because you said something vaguely decent.
Aizetsu
The demotivation started to creep in the second you left. During the day, Aizetsu sits by the door, wanting to be the first one you properly greet. Sekido and Urogi usually bring you back and he'll be the one in your good graces without lifting a finger. That sounds nice..Â
But as the footsteps fade and the silence lingers, Aizetsu feels miserable the longer he waits... Hold on, silence?
Before he realizes what's happening, he's already dashing to where the familiar commotion is coming from. Dread sets in as his legs take him as fast as they can whilst being the slowest of the four. This doesn't feel like they're rushing over to you after a long day, it feels.. dangerous?
What did you get yourself into..? Why do you insist on going to places Aizetsu can't follow? Are you safe? He hates not knowing.
Usually you're the one who's fine. You deal with four demons almost daily! Please please please be okay. He can't fathom it if you were hurt.Â
When he gets there, the puzzle pieces fall into place and Aizetsu gets even more depressed, but at least you're not hurt. Well, not if he interferes. His movements are sluggish, a perpetual frown plastered on his face as he tries holding Sekido down.Â
Aizetsu wants to dissolve into the floor, and he does sometimes. Not wanting to fight Sekido off anymore, he slumps over.Â
This could've been a regular day where you came home.. Are you serious? Leaving? How pitiful could you be to actually think you could get away? Or was it that you wanted to play some sick joke on them? Well, it's not very funny... It's terrible actually.
Aizetsu stays silent on the way home, walking with a bit more energy knowing you're near despite his heart ache.
You can feel the harrowing disappointment radiating off of him the moment you all go back home.
He's tired, annoyed, and so unbelievably upset. Aizetsu grimaced when Urogi got near your scratches with his tongue, so he âpolitelyâ ushered him away.Â
Knowing a human's weak points is good in battle, but he started trying to learn how to heal them, specifically because he knew these types of things might happen.
As he cleans your scratches, he's actively scolding you for leaving in a cold emotionless tone. And by scolding, he's using manipulative language, trying to make you guilty for everything you did.Â
He barely has the energy to live, but now that he finally found his light in the darkness, you want to leave? Is it so wrong he wants to hold onto what makes him even a smidgen happier than usual? He reminds you that he'll wither away without you, but he's not really too keen on dying just yet.
When he tries to get back into a routine, he just can't. He knows why you left, but he doesn't want to hear it. Even if you're sweet to him or not, he'll hold you from behind when you rest.
Looking at you is too much, but being away from you is even worse. Aizetsu compromises this way, but gets quieter, occasionally sniffling when he hides his face behind you.
There's too much going on and he's so tired.. If it weren't for the others, he probably would've held you so tight for so long so that you both would perish together.
Maybe thatâs why he's only allowed to hold you when you're asleep. Just please don't do that again.. He NEEDS you. Please, please, please.
Safe to say you gave them a scare. When they double down on the protectiveness, living is ten times more difficult for EVERYBODY. when you lose their trust, it's pretty difficult to gain it back, but not impossible!!
Sekido and Urogi will always assume the worst if you're gone for too long while Karaku and Aizetsu give you a little more freedom until the others drag them along into their worries.
#null rot#yandere demon slayer#yandere kny#yandere kimetsu no yaiba#Sekido#Karaku#Urogi#Aizetsu#cloaked cult member#not art#null brainwash#null gospel#IM NOT A WRITER!!!! JUST A REMINDER!!!!!!!!! JST A RAMBLER!!!!!!!!!!!!#i really couldn't think of anything drawing wise to go along with this.... but I really wanted to write for it even if I'm a bit amateur#Am I even doing this bullet thing right?? I'm not good at cohesive thoughts. but I try!! I hope I did this right..??#Also. Sekido honestly doesn't want to hurt you or even put his hands on you. he's just really scared you might something will happen to you#how the fuck is he going to live with himself if you somehow get eaten by another demon? or worse. used as bait from either demon or slayer#now that upper moon fucking four has a soft spot. its really selfish of you to run away..#don't you see how that can ruin everyone's lives including your own!? (manipulative)#why he gets more upset with any other type of convo at the end is bc it reminds him of how things were before. they were good.#but you had to ruin it didn't you? (manipulative Ă2) and for sure for sure. if he holds your hand you're getting a bruise.#Karaku is hella chill bc he's wayyy too cocky that he can find you again. the little arrogance he has rearing its head again.#Hes not stupid. he knows you want to escape. but that means he has to whittle you down a little more. get you used to this. to them. to him#You can't escape. he won't let you. He belongs with you. so just try and get comfortable. yeah?#Urogi.. going through it. Hes like your ankle monitor. very fragile minded with his mood swings but extremely stubborn about letting you go#Hit him. pull at his hair. push him away. spit at him. hes sad for a while but bounces back. he always does! and he knows you will too!!#He just needs to wait.. even if it hurts his feelings sometimes. but never for long because you'll be back to loving him like before!#Aizetsu's stuck in a loop of angry -> sad until he ends up quietly crying because hes depressed you dont like them. eveything is pitiful.#he cant even move on bc youre his light. nothing will change that. even if you hurt him. all he can beg of you is to be kind to him. adjust#hes not the monsters you think he is. he can be sweet kind gentle. whatever you want.. just please.
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I am once again begging Ed stans to understand that it's possible to love Ed and believe he deserves love AND also admit that he mistreated and tormented the crew during the Kraken era. Not only is this possible, this is the position the show wants you to have. You think Izzy deserved everything he got? Fine, whatever, forget about him for a minute. There's a whole crew in there you're supposed to empathise with and feel sympathy for, too. The six of them that Ed actively tried to kill or left for dead, for starters. Pay attention to the crew's experiences and reactions. They're shown to be traumatised, grieving, clinging to disassociation (Frenchie) and nihilism (Archie) as coping mechanisms and suffering from PTSD flashbacks. And, since this type of fans constantly go on about how it's racist to think Ed did anything wrong... what about the fact that a lot of the crew are PoC too? What then?
If you've watched the first 3 episodes of S2 and there was only one person on that ship you felt sorry for, then you're not a fan of OFMD, you're just a fan of Ed in isolation. And if the only way you can love Ed is by denying that he ever did anything wrong, then you're completely missing the point of the show. OFMD never said that people only deserve to be loved if they're morally perfect and flawless. The show doesn't subscribe to the dichotomy of Good vs Bad. Good people can do bad things. They can hurt the ones they love. Even if they didn't mean to, even if they themselves were suffering at the time, it doesn't mean they don't need to take responsibility for their actions or avoid the consequences. Stede didn't mean to hurt Mary and his kids when he left, but he still did. He had legitimate reasons for leaving, he didn't just do it for the lolz, but it was still wrong and Mary was right to be angry at him. And Stede needed to face up to this - not just for their sake but his too. Even though it turned out their lives were better off without him, reconciling with Mary was still crucial for his character development.
It was the same for Ed, it just didn't get handled quite as well due to lack of screentime, but the idea was the same. When Ed realises he'd been cruel to Fang and apologises, he isn't sinking into self-hatred and despair. Quite the contrary, this is a moment of growth for him. Because the fact is, just because you as a human being are inherently worthy of love doesn't mean you can go around hurting everyone and expecting them to put up with you. That's just not how it works. You don't need to be perfect, but you do need to listen to people when they tell you that you hurt them and apologise genuinely and try to be better. The show is very sympathetic to Ed but it does NOT excuse his actions. The crew aren't portrayed as villains or antagonists for being scared and angry at Ed for what he did to them. Even Stede was on their side with this one. If even Stede is able to see things from the crew's POV and have sympathy for them, then you should too. Stede doesn't love Ed because he sees Ed as a pure uwu angel. He loves Ed... because he just does. He loves being around him. They really click together. They have so much in common. That doesn't mean he approves of literally everything Ed has ever done. It just means he loves Ed despite that.
#another day of me being incapable of writing a Tumblr post without turning it into a novel#but I just saw another post from that one account and ugh#there's just something so depressing about this type of fans because they really miss the point of the show so badly#they honestly think that redemption isn't possible#that you can never get better as a person#that if you do something bad then you're condemned to be an Evil Person forever#which is a complete antithesis to the heart of the show#Ed is such a beautifully complex character#tbh I still think S2 did him a bit dirty due to the lack of screentime#but still#no wonder the Venn diagram of this type of Ed stans and Izzy antis is a circle#if they don't believe characters can change or be rendered than ofc they were never going to forgive Izzy or recognise his growth either#ofmd fandom critical#canon Ed appreciation post#crew of the revenge#ofmd#our flag means death
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old follower from when you were Baxterstockmanismyson, why'd you delete your old blog? What made you come back?
I pretty much explained why here
But to some it up basically, I was just sick of the harassment & constant hateful responses my friends & I Myself would receive almost daily because of the most simple opinions.
Hell I actually remember this one time I was making a rant about 2012 Stockman's character mishandling & I brought up the Rise turtles for 2 seconds & even made a stupid joke about how I'm surprised no one accused the 2012 ones of racial profiling & this one user took it so seriously they harassed me & my followers the rest of the day
I also can't help but find this bit from them ironic considering they could have did the exact same thing with my post & followers.
This isn't even a one time thing too. As I just said. The fandom would just take EVERYTHING too seriously & attack anybody that disagreed with them in any shape or form & a lot of my best friends at the time were victims of cyberbullying because of them including me. Yes I could have ignored them, & most days I did tbh, but every once in a while there was always that one miserable person that just wanted to PERSONALIZE their attacks to me just because I said I didn't like Apriltello or something & they made their insults PERSONAL, to the point where I couldn't help but NOT ignore it. I already suffer from Anxiety and Depression & EXTREMELY low self esteem to the point where I second guess my talents. From my art to my appearance to even questioning why I still exist. If I should even STILL exist.. At that point in 2021 when I deactivated Baxterstockmanismyson I had already been going through enough stressful situations in my life, worrying about a ton of real life personal stresses in my life. And the unnecessary bullying from the fandom consisting of grown ass adults mind you was the last thing I needed. I had actually received yet another hateful message in my askbox because of one of my hot takes the day before I deactivated & it honestly fucked me up majorly so it was the last straw. I deactivated & I overall QUIT & Left the fandom entirely ever since, I just didn't see the point in staying anymore when there's little to zero good memories in it.
I would be lying if I didn't say I did miss some aspects. The one thing I missed the most being Baxter himself. Any version of him. Especially considering he's actually the entire reason I even got into TMNT in the first place (but a story for another time). He's beyond my favorite character, he's my comfort one, my boy ever since I was 12. Then Mutant Mayhem was announced along with the fact that Baxter was in it (& played by FUCKING Giancarlo Esposito) my interest was peaked to say the least. Especially after I found out he looked like this
I'd even say it was honestly the only reason why I saw the movie (even if he was only in it for 4 minutes) which I admit even outside of Baxter, I did end up enjoying it. It was also nice to talk about tmnt again to my Girlfriend & a once mutual friend at the time. Just making it our own personal bubble having zero contact with the fans, especially as I saw literally NOTHING changed just by people's reactions to Mutant Mayhem April smfh. So I assumed it was the right choice.
Another year went by. Things are different once again, that mutual friend I mentioned earlier is...no longer our friend.. and it was back to radio silence in terms of anything turtle related. I had started collecting figures at this point in time & with the release of Human 1987 Baxter & Mirage on the way, I figured it wouldn't hurt to FINALLY add Baxter to my shelf like I always wanted to years ago. Even finally start making custom figures for him that don't exist & it was a fun, exhausting but also therapeutic experience in a way. Especially getting the chance to finally look back at the mad scientist all the way from day one. From schulpting, to talking about him & even looking up other perspectives on him. Even if it was mostly misconceptions like always when it comes to him. And it got to the point where I wanted to let out an outlet to just really let out Stockman talk & facts about the guy that no one knew or already did but with a story behind it. Even taking inspiration from AskSpideypool's @ sciderman & their blog being the most dedicated blog to really get & understand Wade Wilson & Peter Parker with pages worth of history to back up the knowledge. It's honestly how I feel with Baxter Stockman if I'm being legit with you. So about maybe 3 months later or so, I decided to create this new blog, a new start. A blog to just really share & show all I know about Baxter & even find other people that feel the same way. Just a little Baxter bubble that I can have & feel safe in. It's also why you noticed I haven't shared NON Baxter stuff on here yet. To put it short. I'm not really back in the TMNT fandom. Sure I'll post about Baxter Stockman. But that's the ONLY thing I'll go as far as posting. I wasn't too far off when I said I only watched MM for Stockman & the fact that the fandom hasn't changed their ways based on MM April's reception.
I want absolutely nothing to do with the fandom's drama or possible drama the second I step into current TMNT events & I share my thoughts on them even if I had thoughts anyway, I honestly don't really care anymore aside from Baxter.
To sum it up: Unless it involves Baxter, I genuinely don't give a shit. So a heads up if I'm ever asked about something non Stock related like my thoughts on this video game or this ship ect I'm gonna ignore it. I just don't have the mental strength for the drama anymore. And it's not like the fandom itself even cares about Baxter let alone care enough to get mad over a hot take about him which I've yet to see (aside from some 30/40 something year old idiots on Instagram & Twitter that genuinely believed he was always a white guy & him being black is new) so I feel safe in my Stockbubble.
Anyway, hope that clears things up. Both why I left & how this new blog works.
#i admit i still feel anxious keeping THIS blog up#still nervous one pos is just gonna send some kind of drama#i never did say i stopped having anxiety and depression or that i got better#I'm actually still struggling with it especially recently#baxter is honestly one of the few things thats helped me through it#as cheesy as it sounds but it is true#he just means that much to me#eli rambles#ask#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#2012#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt#baxter stockman#mutant mayhem#tw cyberbullying
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#ok ramble time#classic this feels too intimate to share with anyone so everyone gets it#essentially last week there was a suicide on campus#he was not one of my students or in our department#I'm pretty removed from it#ans i really didn't think it affected me#but i guess it has#bc like i thought i was over#âšthisâš#Like ok i have had active plans in the past#one of those this is how this is when this is where#just waiting for the final straw#but i clearly never did#and that plan would no longer work due to changes in circumstances and living arrangements etc#which is honestly probably for the best#bc i refuse to make a new one bc i know i do not want to go there#but im just TIRED and ANXIOUS#its not even the depression its the anxiety of living#i stay up until 3-4 in the morning bc i cant stand the idea of going to sleep#and i secretly hope each sleep will be my last#bc im not going to DO anything bc that would not be it#too many ppl care about me (unfortunately)#and then ive stopped eating (again)#and it's like idek if its bc i dont want to or bc i forget#its like i see myself self destructing but cant make myself stop#and I have not done anything physically stupid in quite a long time but ive started biting to stim#and i dont even know im doing it half the time it just helps#and skin picking. which none or this is the same as true s/h but it does scare me to a degree bc i dont mean to i just do it#anyway i don't expect anyone to read all of this i just had to get it out ot my head
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ive been playing the sims with the isat cast. also have the wicked whims mod so theres freaky awesome gay sex happening like 40% of the time. these sims want to FUCKK
#venustxt#the dynamics that are happening are great honestly. im doing sloopis but loop has the jealous trait which means i cant make them poly#i have to turn off cheating-related-jealousy for it to work. which i did. after isafrin flirted in front of loop. so that was an awkward ni#ht. i canonized it as they had a conversation about it. after i was done being annoyed that the jealous trait works the way it does#also sloop AND isaloop fucked before isafrin. even tho isafrin were an official couple first.#AND loop got pregnant. and then immediately got an abortion and announced the pregnancy by basically saying guess what im NOT pregnant anym#re. which ended up making both them and siffrin depressed as hell for a couple days bc of Complex Feelings#im having fun#anyways im gonna try to get siffrin pregnant. might post images because i know that would be a hit with the folks here
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Let me chew you out a little, since we have a couple minutes (Patreon)
[Panel 1] Prismo: *mumble* *mumble*
[Panel 2] Prismo: *mumble*
[Panel 3] Simon: Hmph. âJust because itâs in your head-â
[Panel 4] Simon: â-Doesnât mean itâs yours,â huh?
[Panel 5] Simon: Give me all the responsibility with none of the privileges?
[Panel 6] Simon: And then you get mad at me for trying to pick up your slack? Prismo: Hey...
[Panel 7] Simon: Clearly you already expect that much from me!
[Panel 8] Prismo: Hey, hey! I did the best with what I had! I didnât expect any of this!
[Panel 9] Simon: And yet you didnât even consider telling me, so we couldâve avoided this?
[Panel 10] Prismo: Itâs not like I couldâve just- taken it out! I was locked out!
[Panel 11] Simon: You couldâve done something!
[Panel 12] Simon: Instead you let my life spiral around this thing, kept me tethered to Ice Kingâs Madness-
[Panel 13] Prismo: Fionna and Cake are real thou- Simon: NOW you tell me! After I find out for myself!
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Fionna and Cake#Simon Petrikov#Prismo#They have like two minutes where they're alone together that aren't directly shown onscreen: Allow me to insert some ideas lol#As long as Simon isn't so faded that he can't work the nerve up I Absolutely think he'd get mad at Prismo for all this#Not like he didn't just come back from a terrible experience trying to work around his terrible dregs! He's very miserable!#Honestly I think the anger would be good for him lol#He's had to live like this for years! Under Ice King's shadow for something that wasn't his doing!#And he knows Prismo - he met him - they talked - but not about this#And I mean I honestly don't blame Prismo - with everything going on and his own depression spiral he had a few things on his mind#It's in a bad way for everyone#That said he is a Wish Master he really could've told Simon at any point even if he couldn't take his little pet project out of him lol#Then again again what Was he supposed to do lol#As much as I would trust Simon to keep a secret I don't think either of them could've expected Simon trying to summon Golb to do this#Obviously it /did/ happen that way but could either of them have guessed?? I don't think so#''Don't go summoning your ex-'' ''She's not my ex >:('' '''Cause there's an illicit universe in your head and you might summon that instead'#Like what no I don't think Prismo could've just - guessed that! Lol#He did leave Simon out to dry vis a vis Ice King and Fionna and Cake tho which was Not cool and he Could've done something about that#Although I can also see Simon snapping and telling someone that it wasn't his own stories - there's no winning!#But that's what makes the argument fun haha#Man they're both fun to draw âȘ Simon in that dress and Prismo's tiiiiired tired eyes haha â«#It was shortlived but they have a fun dynamic :D Simon speaks so deadpan and sarcastic with Prismo haha <3 It's quite cute honestly
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kinda wanna write a fic where the dog is literally the deus ex machina
#sophie speaks#dog backwards is god yknow it makes sense#me and my undertale bullshit back on it again#i have 3 fic ideas for it. one is a meta commentary one is just about a reader with a chronic illness and one is my love for desperate read#-rs returning in full blown massive fashion. and also identity issues but all 3 of these fics have that last one just has that. a lot lot#all include my weird DID metaphors and multiverse shenanigans#because honestly all sans/sans shippers do not understand the weirdness of loving an alternate version of urself#they dont lean into it#i mean im not gonna write sans/sans I'm an x reader till death because i love self love. also sans could not love himself look at that guy#but undertale itself has so many cool themes u can build off of that i just. i wanna grab and squeeze em out like juice#and i mean its not like i can do www at the moment I've written like... 9k this month it ain't going good#might as well just enjoy the depression spiral. i know that doesn't sound very possible but yknow. we rock w it#im just in pain all the time... ill go back to the docs soon and maybe just start taking straight up opiods#but until then i can only do things if i feel there is absolutely 0 pressure on me to do them#once again thanks school system i love these learned behaviors you traumatised into me they're really useful#what was i saying? did i mention im a little scatterbrained atm
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looking at the clock and going "oh. i didn't. even realize it was past 8pm." and its not funny or cool its just unbelievably concerning
#medusa rambles#kind of venty ig#ive been having. a really shitty two weeks and an even shittier few days#i decided to step down from the student organization i started a year ago#which basically means itll probably fade into oblivion#i lost so many connections i had to this awful fucking college#in the past two weeks#and its like#all i have left tying me there is a degree that i don't really need for what i want to do#and a handful of professors & staff i genuinely value#i have very little support system in general and its just#why am i even staying here#why stay. genuinely why stay#i am such a community based person and like#i have no community there#everyone who im close with there just#are busy and i get it and i understand it but we Don't Talk. they understand my life via scattered updates that they dont really care for#and talking into the void is funny until its. not.#and logically i know that this is just like. pure depression speaking and not actually reflective of whether my friends care for me or not#but it just doesnt matter#and i think its just like. i Need to stop trying#because every attempt at any form of connection#that just fails completely and utterly is so severely damaging#but what do i have if i don't try. what is there otherwise.#i remember a year ago#when i first started college#sitting in my dorm and sobbing every night because i was just so fucking isolated from everyone around me#and its like. nothing has really changed. i am just as isolated as i was then#i think honestly like. maybe i do just need to be hospitalized again#i dont. feel like i did when i was 16 but i know that This is not sustainable and not good and like. sitting and going
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My 2025 resolutions:
Donât die unless itâs unavoidable
No fucking impulse buying! No! Fucking! Impulse buying!!!
Travel more (which means travel at all)
Read more and be on my phone less
#might have to cancel my credit card and delete several apps in order to achieve number 2 but i donât care#i will do what needs to be done#i havenât left the county all year. before you get shocked i do mean yorkshire. the largest county in the country#and iâve been all over the place within this radius. just not even been to like.. lancashire#i mean why would you though#i donât know how i will quantify read more and be on my phone less because i turned off my screentime thing because it was depressing#iâll set a higher page goal in storygraph#i did think about putting âget back into writingâ as a goal but honestly i havenât really stopped?#i mean i havenât written anything serious but i have Written#i vetoed 52 book goal because i always exceed it so thereâs not much point in setting it#iâm not setting learn a martial art as a goal because i might learn pole instead#and honestly not gonna lie i am not massively enthused about doing anything with this friend who wants to work out with me#but i feel like i owe it to both of us not to let my oldest friendship die#at least all the legal stuff is over now#personal
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so do the rest of you guys just simplify your dreams when explaining them to people or do I just remember a significantly weirder degree of depth than the average bear
#thinking about shit like this every morning when i wake up after like#spending the past however many hours in part of a high stakes cop drama that takes place in the pokemon world#but my pokemon is actually an elder scrolls character pretending to be a weird rare pokemon because it's easier than passing as human#and the fair we are trying to get through is down a dirt road alley that's also a depressingly empty polynesian farmers market#and we gotta go fast because my irl friend who's with us really wants to have a mantine draped over his shoulders like when he was a kid#but then we find out that the mantine encounter was at the aquarium next to the fair and not the fair itself and he just misremembered#so he's all sad while we're riding go karts and dirtbikes because he doesn't get to play with the mantines#but anyway we were here for the cop drama bit because some teenage girl got assaulted and we need to beat up the perp's pokemon#(perp himself has already been bagged)#and now I'm realizing that I don't know what fake pokemon moves to tell my fake âpokemonâ to use#(he's a daedric prince it's not like he'd listen to me anyway he's about to obliterate the fuck outta this sunflora no matter what I say)#which leads me to wondering why I can't think of a decent steel-type pokemon move similar to slash#(âmetal claw only works if you have clawsâ I think to myself wondering why there isn't some kind of sword move like ffs honedge exists)#anyway he's already finished the fight so it doesn't matter we can go home back through the depressing farmers market#home is aboard a KotoR-esque spaceship of course which is good because it means I get âback at campâ dialog with my daedra friend#but he's gone now shit fuck where did he go is he killing people without me this is bad I leave and start walking through crowded streets#people are trying to sell me shit but I ignore them#I'm accosted by a guy dressed like an old-west outlaw who says that he's with the vigil of stendarr and he's here hunting daedra#I tell him to fuck off because honestly I'm no longer invested in this dream's narrative arc#(I'm trying to envision a different scenario that is more appealing to my current tastes but lucid dreaming was a lie and I can't hack it)#then I wake up#next night I dream about being an omnipotent dragon god with a marsupial pouch full of my adopted babies (JJK characters)
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I hope I'm like you when I grow up
#super depressed; bitter and lonely; hates everyone + everyone hates?#jk thank you so much you have no idea how much this means#imma be honest a good 50% of the time I wish I was fucking dead#Iâm so tired of living event to event like âoh I canât kms my best friend is visitingâ âoh I canât kms I have to go see INKâ etc.#and honestly Iâm such a bitter and angry person I mean some of it is valid#like when my managers are like oh I canât finish all my shit can you clean the bathrooms for me and Iâm like sure#only to get to work this morning and told that they were messy and gross and I did a bad job etc. like okay I just wonât next time#but also just like canât control my emotions having so many meltdowns at work + home + on this fucking blog#feeling like Iâm ugly and no oneâs ever going to love me again etc.#but also like you know what Iâm cool. Iâm smart. Iâm hot. I got some good qualities#be like me: have bpd and fibromyalgia and love horror and metal bands and listen to true crime and donate to victim funds.#be gay do crime post about it online#punk gets mail#personal
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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19.   entry made talking about a simple  /  normal day.
'dear diary' prompts...
[TRANSCRIPTION: so, i'd like to start this off by saying that i sometimes crave a sense of normalcy more than ever in my life... though i know that people might not expect something like that out of me. you know, because i seem so devoted to my work, i guess. but i have to say that after getting a taste of it today, it's probably when i'm at my happiest. me and jack had spent the day together, which is something we actually rarely get to do. he had told me about this crepe place that had opened up a little while ago and he seemed really eager to go there. so i invited jack to do that this morning and i swear, i hadn't seen him smile that big in a while. which did something funny to my heart.
and by that, i mean you know that feeling you get when you can't contain the love you have for someone? yeah that was pretty much what ended up happening to me; a fuzziness had hit me in the chest. but after we went there, and jack ate an impressive amount of crepes (he was really fond of the nutella and strawberry ones), my son suggested that we see this new movie that came out recently. and it was hard to pass up so of course i said yes. we snuck in some candy and drinks because, honestly, who wants to pay for the overpriced candy they have? not us so we did that and just like i expected... the theater was pretty packed since it was for the new hunger games movie. it was good though!
anyhow, after that, jack wanted to spend some time just hanging out by the water when he did something that surprised me. jack hugged me. and it was really nice, because i can't remember the last time my son gave me one like that. he went on to tell me that he missed 'this part of me.' this got me to thinking that, yeah, i have been treating him not so well for a while. so maybe i ought to change that. jack deserves to have a father who doesn't switch up on him every day, from being mean to being nice.
maybe i'll call my therapist back and tell her i want to start seeing her again. she might've said some things that i didn't like the last time, one of those being that i exhibit behaviors that are typical of sociopaths â but i guess i can make an exception for jack, because he's my little bug.
signed, barton. ]
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#YOUR NEED GREW TEETH: character study.#tw: allusions to mistreatment of children.#sighs... y'all already know what i'm going to say here: barton's relationship with his kids really is complicated because he seems-#to love them in his own 'barton-like' way and this could mean various things from calling them things like 'his little bug' to being-#emotionally manipulative to them and it's like đŹ i just. the fact that barton could acknowledge here that he has treated him TERRIBLY-#in the past does imply that he does hold some sort of self-awareness about how he is severely lacking in the parent department-#but it's not enough for him to make any real changes unfortunately because barton is STILL like this to this day.#with him being super temperamental and hard to predict which is typical of emotionally manipulative / abusive people.#and although he is is pretty much a big ball of anger + unresolved trauma that has helped twist him into the man he is today-#AND it is also a fact that barton has experienced psychotic depression... that doesn't mean that he can blame his past for becoming-#a bad person. i just want to talk about the comment he made here about feeling a 'fuzziness in his chest' though because that is just.#it makes me want to WEEP alright because it makes it clear that barton does have the capacity to love his children in an actually-#healthy and understandable way but he doesn't most of the time and it's like... WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS GAHHH#tw: emotional manipulation.#tw: emotional abuse.#plus i honestly think that barton DID call his therapist at the time back and started to go back to her buttt being told by a mental health#professional that they noticed he lacks empathy is impulsive and seems to take enjoyment out of disrespecting people + breaking laws-#changed his relationship with them. so things were likely never the same again and barton didn't trust her anymore
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