#holy shit this one took a long time
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trendervember day 1: you + your flags (individuals below cut)
we wanted to go super over-the-top for the first day, so we not only did a system portrait + some collective labels, we also did pictures for each individual member! was it worth it? YES because now we each have our own pfps for whatever we want. (i'll say it just in case but please don't use these pfps for anything. they're Us)
the it/its flag, the lowpolyplastatic flag, the fagdyke aroace flag, and the homesictional flag were all made by neopronouns
the they/them butch flag, the butch boydyke flag, and the he/they butch flag were made by mogai-sunflowers
the transgenplex flag was made by the-silent-fellowship
the phosglitchial flag was made by epikulupu
the xenoboy flag was made by variant-archive
the maschaoslime flag was made by local-yurei
the autumnian flag was made by genderwobble
the crystalgender flag was made by sashafoxx333
the aroacegender flag was made by imoga-pride
the aroace system flag was made by spktrism
#my silly art#trendervember 2023#system posting#holy shit this one took a long time#super happy with it though
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AY(OYM) CHAPTER 6!!!!!
Sorry to reuse buddy elf hater Teru I just think he's great. Fits the theme (not really at all LMFAO)
#i do not know how much time i have today but HOPEFULLY i can read the whole thing in one go#i would feel very bad if it took too incredibly long. it usually does anyways skskfjlskskf#ANYWAYS. AYOYM GRAHHHHHH im so nervous#for teru. and mob. and terus mom#thats like everybody LMFAO. they all have me deeply concerned#mob the least but yk. still worried#i am hazarding a guess as to how many times ill cry this chapter: 1#actually it was 2. REALLY REALLY INSANELY GOOD CHAPTER HOLY SHIT
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introducing me in my pjo dr !! i'm such a y/n in it and it's lowkey embarrassing so i'm not dropping all the lore😋 BUT BUT BUT i still need to infodump about it so MAY I INTRODUCE YOU TOOO...
bea andromeda delmare , demi-titan daughter of hecate , cabin 2 (long story) , totally not in love with percy jackson , moon child , astronomy nerd , healer , the oracle's no 1 hater , liliana vess core , refuses to go out without lipgloss , reckless , archer , swordsman , dior enthusiast , classic rock , probably shouldn't be let near a buffet
"led bloody zeppelin, that's who!"
moodboards:
appearance!
straight black hair always in a side part or ponytail , tired jade green eyes because i refuse to maintain a sleep schedule , mini tattoos , pointed canines (empousai reference😋) , five ft seven , silver jewellery , goes to the gym because percy said he likes fit girls like once during dinner
child of hecate !!
shadow manipulation , mist control , telekinesis , spellcasting , divination , necromancy , shadow travel , enchantment , alchemy , vitakinesis (limited) , zoolingualism (limited) , charmspeak
aesthetic
led zeppelin , queen , flowers everywhere , hopeless romantic , dramatic entrances , grape juice in wine glasses , perseus and andromeda <3 , wearing the same color clothes religiously , strictly hoop earrings , the classics , gilmore girls , beachside stargazing , pairs on pairs of shoes , pop culture references , crystals , stress baker , wants to be rosa diaz but let's be for real i'm too codependent
#bea yaps#pjo dr#this took such a long time holy shit#it's one am rn i've been here since like eleven#oh well#shifters#reality shift#desired reality#shifting blog#shiftblr#reality shifter#shifting realities#shifting community#shifting antis dni#reality shifting#anti shifters dni#pjo shifting#shifting script#pjo#riordanverse#pjo shifter#shifting to pjo#shifting to percy jackson#percy jackson dr#percy jackson#shifting#shifting motivation#shifting reality#shifting to desired reality#shifting stories
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My piece for the @plgiftexchange for @kynizen who requested Janice in her show outfit
Janice flat/shaded and the background isolated
#pl#professor layton#holy shit this took a long time. but I really like how it turned out#professor layton and the eternal diva#eternal diva#janice quatlane#thart#thposts#this is like. the first art post I’ve made in a few weeks that I like in its entirety#note: the flowers are stupid. as is the crown. we only truly see it in closeups which sucks trying to emulate with little space#no one is allowed to point out the mistake I made. thank you
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GOD I would HATE to be stuck at a family dinner with them 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I would NOT fucking survive, the vibes alone would do 1000 points poison damage to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Also JUST. JUST.
THE VIBES. ARE RANCID. SHARENA DARLING YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS (ALFPNSE TOO BUT DEAR LORD. Sharena LITERALLY was just told to Don't Speak Unless Spoken To RANCID. RANCID FUCKING FAMILY)
#I SAID I WOULDN'T DOCUMEBT THE WHOLE THING. BUT COME ON#gustav hits alfonse with the 'and' 😐🤨 and if i were him i would be internally exploding instantly.#HENRIETTE HITS ALFONSE W THE 'he missed you soooooo much 😊😊😊😊😊😇😇😇' and BY GOD. IF I WERE ALFONSE#i would SHATTER. LIKE GLASS. INSTANTLY. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#my BITCHASS FUCKING BAD WHO'S BEEN SILENT TREATMENTINF ME FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG#BC I HAD THE AUDACITY TO MAKE A CHOICE?????????? BC I DARED HAVE AUTONOMY????????? FREE WILL???????#ohhhh my god and sharena. SHARENA. DARLING. BELOVED. DEAR. how have you not SNAPPED#girl if i were you this would be my villain origin story.#i mean. if. moe is anything to go by.#gooooddddddddddddd.#HELP THE TYPO IN MY TAGS.... OF 'BAD' INSTEAD OF 'DAD'....... freudian slip. but am i wrong#GOOODDDDD BUT. HAVING. EYES. THAT KNOW. EVERYTHING. THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE#INSANE!!!!!! INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc i DO ACTUALLY BELIEVE HENRIETTE NOW??? WHEN SHE SAYS THAT ABOUT GUSTAV?!?????#SHE'S. the ONLY person in the goddamn fucking WORLD. who would know this. who would be able to read this. what the FUCK#but like THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE HIM ANY BETTER...... gooooddddddd I HATE IT. HATE IT#when the love IS there it's just fucking stupid bc nobody here is normal. about anything. making an endlessly complicated situation#type of shit that has made it so i never believe that anyone genuinely likes me. type of shit that makes me never believe an 'i love you'#UNLESS. if it's from my sisters i trust them w my entire heart. but holy shit it actually took them directly stating it#AS. AN ADULT. AT THIS TIME. for me to actually believe it. and fully actually accept it.#HELP AND ALSO... EVERY TIME GUSTAV CALLS ALFPNSE 'Son.' IT'S.. SO FUNNY TO ME IDK WHY#i just read it in that one voice/cadence. of that katamari post. my gay ass son who i hate. HELP#i need to find that again hold on#but first#fe alfonse#sharena#fe henriette#fe gustav#book 3 replaying#feh
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modern clarence | an appropriate staring distance
While at the beach, you take a moment to appreciate your handsome boyfriend while he's taking a nap—and also when he's not.
1.2k, fluff + established relationship, reader is mc, series: none
NAVY BLUE STICKS OUT TO you the moment you open your eyes.
Your aching shoulder protests your decision to stay as you are, on your side, facing a still sleeping Clarence. Like this, he looks much younger—you're reminded of the time you had to force him to take a nap. Like this, he's simply the cute guy you managed to score not one but multiple dates with, just Clarence, instead of the incredibly smart and wonderful and kind Student Council President.
You glance at the circular table set between your two beach chairs, taking note of his glasses resting primly upon its surface. With him often having to juggle two different kinds of glasses, you'd offered to put them in your bag so that he could pack lighter. Or, as light as he can.
Right now, it's awkwardly squished behind you, miraculously still on the chair only because it's too big to fall out the gap under the armrest.
Filling in the blanks comes as easily to you as the smile on your face when you get to see your boyfriend, nearly the same one on your face right now—and the expression that goes with it is so endlessly fond that you find yourself with the urge to hit something.
Simply put, your boyfriend is a handsome man—the most handsome one, of all the men your keen eyes have gazed upon. And gazed, they certainly have. But even if they didn't have to pick, then they would gaze at only Clarence for the rest of their life..
You almost giggle at the thought, but think against it at the last minute.
But pressing your lips firmly into a thin line has the opposite effect on your budding smile. You imagine you look rather strange to anyone who passes by—what with your mockery of a wide smile and the silent scream building up in your throat, paired with the quiet thumping of your feet against the legrest.
If you were in a more private space, you would resort to kicking instead.
A proper squish to your still warm cheeks as you begin to sit up helps ease up the passion swirling chaotically across your body. You exhale, then allow your hands to slide off your face. One side of it bears the consequences of your actions more than the other.
With a one last longing at the sleeping Clarence, you start to dig through your bag for the only thing in your arsenal that could substitute for a sketchbook.
There are a few miscellaneous promotion emails waiting for you on the lockscreen. A message from Cael asking about dinner tomorrow too. Somewhere between them, there's a notice about the weather, with the temperature from an almost hour ago listed uselessly.
You swipe past them all and hurriedly slip into the camera app.
The hand holding your phone steadies itself against the armrest as you swing your legs over the edge of your chair. A thumb hovers over the capture button, vigilantly awaiting your command. The fingers of your other hand, meanwhile, busy themselves with zooming in on the captivating scenery.
With each pinch, the focus grows ever narrow—until all that remains is Clarence and nothing else.
At one point, you try to zoom into the mole under his eye, but it doesn't make for a very compelling photo. After a few attempts, quite a few of which involve staring at your screen for prolonged periods of time, you reluctantly give up.
Your pout is soon covered up by your phone. When its front camera presses against your upper lip, your gaze is free to wander back to the sleeping beauty beside you once more.
A healing effect, exclusive to him, takes hold of you instantaneously.
Eyes brimming with fondness narrow slightly. You slide off your beach chair, hands on your bent knees as you take a closer look. You can make out the shadows cast by his long lashes and the drool dribbling past his chin.
He's perfect.
You're content to stay there until your knees begin to ache, reminding you insistently that this isn't a very comfortable position to be in. As a compromise of some kind, you adjust your arms atop the nearby armrest.
It really would be better if you'd brought your sketchbook along—but, you think, remembering his workaholic tendencies, would he even bother to take a nap then?
You scrunch your nose up at the thought.
In that moment, Clarence seems sense to your presence. When you look back at him, you're greeted with the sight of confusion in his now opened, but still drowsy gaze. He blinks, and it earns him an amused grin from you.
"Morning," you say, though it's well into afternoon.
That seems to wake him up. His cheeks flush a warm pink, and he hurriedly wipes away the drool on his face, as though you haven't already committed the sight to your memory.
Clearing his throat, he responds in kind, careful to sit up in such a way that he avoids looking at you.
"You don't have to be so close...I can see you just fine."
You laugh, not unkindly. "What if I'm the one who's having trouble?"
For a moment, when he turns back to look at you, he looks alarmed. Then, his shoulders relax to the tune of a sigh, his groggy mind apparently having caught onto the fact that you were joking.
Without breaking eye contact, you reach for his glasses. But as with the issue of walking into a cave without a flashlight, even if you vaguely recall where your destination is, there's no guarantee you'll actually reach it.
"Give me a second," you mutter, your annoyance making your tone a bit too sharp.
You follow your words up with an apology. His glasses held are carefully by the frames as your sheepish gaze connects with his faintly amused one. Clarence reaches out, getting as far as grasping the slanted tips of the frame before the two of you reach a mutual agreement.
"Well." His cheeks return to being a rosy hue. He coughs politely. "If you would."
Cute. Biting your lip giddily, you shake his grip off. A quick once-over of your surroundings before you stand up shows that no one seems to be paying attention to you. And unless your friends and acquaintences have come to together to unlock the secrets of invisibility, no one you know seems to be present either.
Leaning over, you line his glasses up against his face, the tips of his frame brushing against his cheek. It takes only a moment to slot them into place—and you have enough experience with doing so that they don't snag against his ears.
It takes only a moment longer to give him an innocent peck on the lips.
"There," you murmur, not entirely satisfied with the kiss.
His Adam's apple bobs. Clarence adjusts his glasses with an awkward look that suggests he has some kind of solution to your dilemma. You, of course, beat him to the punch.
"Why—" Your voice cracks a little. "—don't we go find a different spot?"
He smiles, narrowed eyes watching you fondly. "I was about to suggest the same thing."
#fics by aya#lovebrush chronicles#lovebrush chronicles x reader#for all time#for all time x reader#clarence clayden#clarence clayden x reader#lbc clarence#lbc clarence x reader#lovebrush clarence#lovebrush clarence x reader#rambles from here on (slight spoilers for azure island cgs/mentions of cn cards) ->#so. um THE CGS?? from the event?? very specifically clarence's??#um that killed me actually i'm learning stuff about myself i didn't know before like#idk actually because i've been telling myself glasses are sexy but it took an anime boy being flirted with for me to realize that yes??#but yeah i am THIS close to going blue particularly because i've been staring at his cards too long and there is one specific like#artstyle? that makes him look really hot but like you could almost mistake him for a bad boy. and yes i do mean clarence#he has glasses so it's not. the one where he'd actually approach being a bad boy (the prison?? one??)#according to cn wiki it's supposed to come like feb but the schedule fast so idk#actually looking at it again and it might be how he parts his hair?? anyway clarence in a black t-shirt and dogtag(?) necklace sounds#like he would actually kill me. not because he's actually threatening but because i spontaneously combust whether he smiles or glares at me#also i just realized it's just like his unstyled hair so again having a thing for guys who like minimally style their short hair apparently#also i've figured out which card it is holy shit clarence
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FINALLY LEARNED TO DRAW MY BOI KAZZLE
#let’s ignore the hand holding the cane plzzzz#ok but this is my first time drawing him holy shit it came out so well#it took an embarrassingly long time to get his signature right#this started out as a little red for another drawing but this became my actual drawing and I erased the other one lmao#six of crows#grishaverse#kaz brekker#leigh bardugo#shadow and bone#soc
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beginning / previous / next
#ok so i dont think i have to spell it out for you but take another look at that calendar#might be avoiding someone 👀#sims#ts4#sims story#ts4 story#sims stories#ts4 stories#simmer#ts4 simblr#broken rose#anika dove#anastasia moon#its been so long idr how i tag anything#so sorry this took me almost a year too#like deadass the one year mark is tomorrow#didnt even plan it like that#hopefully ill have more time and be less busy this year but holy shit ive done nothing but work and talk to my friends all summer
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writing about my elden ring oc has been my comfort thing for the last two years but since this dlc i genuinely can’t bring myself to enjoy it anymore. miquella, the haligtree and even malenia feel so different to me now
#i can’t even daydream about it at work it’s that bad#miquella especially has been ruined for me i don’t think there’s any coming back from that#like i said before i’m okay with the direction his story took#i’m okay with everything apart from the dumb consort bs#but learning the caelid war happened because radahn had to die to get resurrected as his husbando is fucking wild#it just makes them all feel so lame i’m sorry#the fact that no one predicted any of this too despite this community have the most thorough lore theorists i’ve ever seen#the fandom coming up with far better theories for this and then all we get is a 17 yrs yaoi fanfic type ending#prime man being reduced to nothing but a victim and miq is some kind of predator#while malenia is the enabler#holy shit this sucks#this might actually be the death of elden ring for me i just can’t really enjoy it anymore#i mean maybe that’s a good thing i’ve been to obsessed with this game for too long#pls don’t come at me telling me im wrong or whatever. this is how i feel and maybe over time things will change#but right now i’m just struggling to appreciate these characters the same way i used to
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if you get lost along the highway, let the north star and orion guide you home
[image description: a digital self-portrait, done in a messily cel-shaded and lined style. a person with light skin and chin-length messy brown hair sits in the driver's seat of their car, with one arm propped up on the steering wheel and resting their chin in their hand. they gaze off into the distance. they're wearing a yellow shirt and a black denim jacket with a white fur lining. outside the car it is nighttime, but a light outside the driver's side of the car casts stark lighting over the scene. end ID]
#.lyr#art.lyr#holy shit long time since i used that tag huh#anyway. yeah. this is a me!#took a photo and used it as a reference for a quick art while i wait for my laundry to run lmao.#trying to. a) draw/do art more and b) stop getting hung up on whether or not its "good''. so thats what this is#PLEASE do listen to the song ive linked there btw. its one thats really important to me in my life rn and i want people to listen to it
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also though this dentist is genuinely the best dentist we've ever had.
she was really understanding about us having issues with toothpaste and we asked if she had any recommendations for alternatives we could try to see if those help and she gave us some options to look into so that's cool.
she also took our medical trauma into account and kept checking if we were okay throughout the appointment and asking if we needed to take breaks and we've never had a dentist do that before.
she warned us about what each tool would feel like too and actually warned us if something was going to be painful which like, I would in fact rather be warned that "this is going to be uncomfortable in this way" and "yeah this is gonna feel really bad for a few days but that's normal" than have someone try to reassure us that it won't be that bad only for it to get really painful.
our next appointment is to have a tooth removed and she explained the procedure to us and how that normally goes, and then we asked if we can take the tooth home afterwards and I can only assume from the look on her face that she's never been asked that before, but she was like "yeah I don't see why not, it is yours after all" so that's cool
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#happy posting#I am really glad she warned us that our mouth would be sore because holy shit she was not kidding#but also we've never had a filling that blends in so well with the rest of the tooth. you can't tell there's a filling there when you look#she put so much work into it and got us to check it before we left to make sure the texture was okay#it took twice as long as the appointments we've had for fillings in the past#we're so used to having dentists just kind of rush to get everything done and being really shitty about our anxiety#which like admittedly I am probably still gonna have issues with medical trauma stuff later because that's just how that is#but holy shit it's such a relief to have a dentist who very clearly wants to make you as comfortable as possible#and is obviously taking your trauma and health problems into account the entire time#we're also used to going to one appointment and the medical professional being great#but then being shitty in the next appointment once they realise we have complicated problems and trauma and stuff#but no she was just as nice and accommodating as last time which is gonna help a lot with feeling less anxious next time I think
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wow my artistic confidence just skyrocketed okay good to know
#amicus.txt#for a really long time now ive felt really low abt my art bc ive been dealing with a lot of wrist pain when i draw traditionally#which has p much been the only medium i draw in#but since using a mouse is much less intensive for me than a pencil and paper i figured i could probably do somethiing with that right#i had gotten the idea to just use the polygon tool on my art program since thats what i would do to digitalize my trad art#at least for the colors and stuff#i was like 'its gonna require pretty much learning how to draw again from scratch since its entirely different#but if i put in the practice and the time and be patient i might be able to do it'#but i was putting that off for SO long. really difficult to get started on practice like that yknow#until like 10 minutes ago. where i was just like 'ok whatever its gonna look like shit but lets just try to get a feel for it'#so i just use the polygon tool thing and try and make one of my ocs#and then i took a step back and like.#holy shit that looks adorable? wait thats really good?#like yeah theres a ton of room for improvement obviously but like. holy shit this might actually be possible way sooner than i thought#“this” being. making my webcomic
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Kai
#ok this one took a LONG time#i'm never doing fur like this again holy shit what a nightmare#pet portrait#kurart#artists on tumblr
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Three Times Tabitha Tate Went on a Fake Date (And One Time She Went on a Real One)
She pats his hand, just slightly, but it doesn’t go unnoticed, as Jughead raises his eyebrows at her. Another moment passes, the jukebox playing softly. “Sounds great, Tabitha. Get ready for my Jones charm.”
“You mean for me to be completely repulsed by it?” she jokes. “We’ve been friends for some time now. I’m pretty sure I’m immune to anything you could possibly bring to the table.”
She’s lying, of course, but not that Jughead’s aware. He only itches the space between his lips and his nose, with a teasing smirk plastered on his face. “That is an absolutely brutal way to turn a guy down, Tabs.”
---
read on ao3
fandom: riverdale
ship: jughead x tabitha (jabitha)
taglist: @jabithajates @jabitha-endgame @sapphicserpentqueen @imreallytryinghelp (ask to be added or removed)
#layla writes#tabitha tate#jughead jones#jabitha#jabitha fic#this is probably my fav fic that ive written so far for jabitha#its so tropey but oh holy shit. its funny (to me) its got banter and fake dating and !! its for valentines day!!#anyway if you havent read any of my jabitha fics (or you;ve read all of them) read this one!!#its a bit long heads up the main plot i had in mind doesnt start until around 2000 words#also yes it is a [blank number] + 1 fic!! im giving jabitha this because they havent gotten it yet so ill be the first#jabithacentral#this is my longest 1 chapter ever and it took me forever to write. also barely any filler. pls read i slaved over this#a little late for valetines and thats all on my stupid writers block and bad time managment but happy belated valentines
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Sometimes I think a lot about my mom's cat
My mom's cat is a common domestic shorthair we found on the side of the road as a kitten
Regular cat, not a maine coon or one of those massive breeds. His mom was smaller than a loaf of bread
But in a sort of a Clifford The Big Red Dog situation, he grew super fast, and really really big, and took a super long time to stop growing
Worried that she was overfeeding him, she eased back his portions, but he stayed a massive round baby
When he started having kidney problems, she took him to the vet.
The vet took a look at him and said, "holy fuck, what are you feeding him", checked the nutritional listings on his chow, and told her "Yeah, maybe he's reacting badly to the amount of grain in this, try a meatier diet"
So my mom wound up special-ordering this specific high-protein prescription cat food made of like. Kangaroo meat or some shit that cost like sixty bucks a bag
And, as typical act two in an episode of House, he somehow got worse on the fancy specialized stuff that was supposed to be Primo Athlete Olympic Feline Blend
Like. WAY worse. His guts were inflamed and his kidneys were shutting down and he was all sore and HE WAS STILL HUGE, just miserable and sad
So shetook him back to the vet, where they had to help him pee (he was apparently close to bursting and had some kind of blockage too) and went "Yeah no this is NOT normal and we don't know what's going on, we're gonna do some tests but in the meantime you should go back to what he was eating before, at least that wasn't actively killing him" so she did
And he still wasn't great, but he also improved
And so they take his blood and do an ultrasound and a couple g's later she gets a call back like "this is gonna sound crazy, but we want you to put him on a low-meat diet. Just the least amount of protein and iron and shit. We need you to find the grainiest, filler-iest dollar tree kibble available and give him some of that bad bad shit"
And my mother is a woman of science. So she did
And he GOT BETTER
His energy picked back up, inflammation went down, he started drinking normally again, got back to pissing like a fuckin champion
And so it turns out that out of all the random ass freeway bonus cats we possibly could have scooped out of a ditch, WE got the one-in-a-million freak of nature with a SPECIFIC genetic defect that means a paleo protein free range diet is essentially poison and he THRIVES on cheap ass garbage
Like. He medically NEEDS junk food
I dont really understand how that works, but i cant argue with results.
If we had four of him, they'd outweigh my mom. And he's FINE
Also blind, but that's unrelated
Im not using him as a symbol or a metaphor or anything. I just keep catching myself thinking about my mom's Big Fucking Cat
#I'm sorry#I feel like this is supposed to be some kind of message from the universe#Like maybe I'm the cat and the garbage food is. Something#But nope he just lives in my head rent free#The biggest fucking boy
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This may be the depression speaking + the earliest trauma I've ever gone thru (completely accidental as well), but I think it's kinda pointless to give me gifts. I have clothes that still fit me and are in excellent condition. I have shoes. I have a sizeable movie collection (that tbf I can always add to), and all the books I'd want. I don't paint anymore so it's useless giving me art supplies. And unfortunately even giving me money is hilariously pointless bcus I'm not even gonna spend it on anything, I'm just gonna put it into my savings account and keep living day by day as I do: doing nothing...interesting
#post#how am I this lifeless at fucking 25 dude. holy shit#vent#personal#my hobbies are watching movies. then writing fic. this if I can even squeeze it in between my classes#(sighs) I'd told my mom at the beginning of the semester that I won't be able to go out anymore#she didn't believe me#she's always desperate to get me to go outside to some event or the other n I'd rather just not go bcus well! I don't have any friends#either so it's like. it's just the 2 of us#I like hanging out w her but man walking around n seeing everything doesn't take as long as you'd think#man this is so sad. and pathetic. I should just straight up die#that's another thing today we went to costco n I went to see if this math book I saw like a week or 2 ago was still there n it's not#I wasn't able to find it online either n it sent me into such a pit of despair that like. wow this sucks#I want so many things!!! and I don't ask for any of them bcus; going to my first point!!!; what'd be the fucking point!!!#the hilarious accidental trauma was that I was 2 and wanted a horse book n threw a tantrum about it#n then my mom took me home n sternly yet calmly explained how she couldn't get it for me n would be able to get it at another time#the thing is is that no one around me wants to acknowledge that I'm autistic so this event resulted in me taking it dead serious literally#and my 2 yr old brain understood it to mean 'never ask for anything ever anymore'#I've never thrown a tantrum since but I HAVE swallowed up and repressed every single desire I've had for material things#hmmm is that why I tend to choose experiences sometimes. like trips n stuff. bcus it's not an actual physical thing#was just thinking earlier how my future therapist might find me annoying in that half the work is done in that I keep learning things about#myself a little Too Well#the only therapist I've had up until now was a lady at my uni campus who could only see me for 2 months until she moved to another uni#n she told me. 'your problem is that you're too logical. you're too aware of yourself. you need to allow yourself to feel something'#like!!! don't I know that all too well!!!#hmm is that ALSO perhaps why I'm having more visible meltdowns?#then again I hate crying in front of my parents. it feels like I'm just. man we always joke about me being a spoiled brat bcus I'm an only#child but maaaaaaaaan. it always feels like I never appreciate things n that they Know this n I'm constantly never living up to my#high potential. bcus I'm so spoilt n everything n beneath me somehow#idk man. one day I'll just tell my therapist to follow me on tumblr n analyze me via my tags
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