#himbo bruce my beloved

[vala-dreams]

HELLO I AM ALIVE

So I know I haven't posted in like a year but @diedfromembarrassmentlikeasim and I were discussing this fic and then it spiralled into this discussion

Spread the himbo Bruce agenda folks

The most valid Bruce is the Bruce that goes from having a 100 life skills to 0 in one second. Look at him.

He knows how to hack into his FBI agent's computer. He doesn't know what red onions are. He can't kill people but he can kill houseplants like a professional. He knows how to create antidotes to any virus or poison. He doesn't know how to make tea without burning the mansion down.

Alfred has no hair and this is why.

[bruciemilf]

Watching Moon Knight then seeing your preferred casting choice of Oscar Isaac as Harvey Dent is just hnnnghhhggh.

I need this man to plow Battinson

AJSJSJSJ. PLS. Ultimate Gomez and Morticia form

[evilminji]

Okay, you know WHAT? I have been SILENT for too long! I can endure it no longer!!

There is a CRIMINAL lack, CRIMINAL I say! Of Batman/Brucie Wayne Fanfiction out there!

But Minji, you say rightfully concerned for both my sanity and memory issues, isn't Bruce Wayne... Batman?

And, fuck off maybe! I know that, YOU know that, but WE are 5th dimensional spies watching their lives from beyond the 4th wall! NO ONE IN GOTHAM KNOWS THAT!

I want Fandom access!!! *rips shirt to reveal stolen Brucie/Batman OTP shirt from I got from some Gotham based Fan meet up*

It's part of their COVER! Since OBVIOUSLY himbo Brucie Wayne and dangerous brooding Cryptid Batman are VERY different men with VERY different moral and social philosophies about how to help their shared, beloved, city! They should kiss about it!

Tell me the bat-brood don't write terrible fanfic as stress relief. Lurk, just to make sure no one's getting to close. Lurk, just for that sweet, sweet fan art and other merch of themselves or loved ones.

Tell me there aren't arguments over "are they family or co-workers" and "how DARE you suggest our Cryptid would sleep with that Metropolitan SLUT instead our sweet himbo dilf!"

Look me in the eyes and tell me Clark has not COVERED the fan conventions, as a fluff piece, because Bruce annoyed him recently.

Where are my Meta fics? My characters reacting to disturbingly good and engaging fiction about their co-work and himself?

FFS fifty shades of grey(curse its name) was originally a fanfiction! Tell me some enterprising Gothamite wouldn't go "hmmmmm >.> " and pull the same thing? Barely change details and publish? So everyone is like "that is... SO CLEARLY about Brucie Wayne and Batman. But not clearly enough to sue. Holy shit."

Then READ it.

Because who would have the BALLS to do this and what did they WRITE?

And maybe it's... disturbingly good. Like no, really. Deeply philosophical and starkly human. Lot of sex. Excellent pacing.

....about their co-worker literally going and fucking himself.

They are SO conflicted.

I. Want. Fan. Fiction. I want in-world Fandom shit! It's literally a CLASSIC otp pairing! Himbo and gritty warrior with a mysterious past! Wayne getting kidnapped fics. Bodyguard fics. Secretly I'm Batman but now you're my slutty, slutty Boss fics!

Will no one CHALLENGE themselves!? I suffer.

Brucie/Batman

Come one guys! I believe in us!

@hdgnj @the-witchhunter @stealingyourbones

[butcherlarry]

Weekly Fic Recs 52

Fun fact! When I moved to the Philadelphia area in 2017, they won the Superbowl! Then, when I moved to the Kansas City area in 2023, they won (coincidently, they also played against the Eagles, the Philly team)! I'm not saying I'm lucky, but if any city with an NFL team wants me to move to their city, I have reasonable rates :)

Anyway, if you don't watch sports, here are some fics you can read instead! :)

Flatline by dragonpyre - Batfam, complete. While out on patrol, Jason gets dosed with a paralytic drug that also makes his heartbeat almost unnoticeable. The batfam finds him and FEELS ensue.

The Same Coin by SorryIWasAsleep - Superbat, wip. SOULMATES AU MY BELOVED. Identity porn and miscommunication for EXTRA FLAVOR.

Is This Real Life? by shanahane - Batfam, complete. Stories where Bruce takes his kids to get their wisdom teeth out. Shenanigans (and feels) ensue.

La clarté dans la confusion by thebatandtherobe - Superbat (with a side of Bruceman), wip. More Superbat and Bruceman shenanigans!

The Antithesis Of Magic by Ghxst_Bird - Batfam, wip. Jason adopts a 10 year old Bruce from an other dimension. Shenanigans ensue.

Luminosis, Tenebrarum by Chirobattery - Batcat, complete. WING FIC WING FIC WING FIC!!!!!!! Selina grooms Bruce's wings. Much feels ensue.

Banana Muffin by Mawiiish - Superbat, complete. A reread for me :D Bruce gets poisoned at a gala and calls for Superman for help. For some reason, this (handsome) guy named Clark helps him out.

echoes in the dark by inkstainedwretch - Batcat, complete. Featuring Battinson! Mostly PWP, but with many feels. MY FAVORITE :)

Uncharitable Trust by bitochondria - Superbat, complete. Identity Shenanigans! Clark doesn't trust that Bruce Wayne guy and thinks he's Batman. The Daily Planet team go to a Bruce Wayne gala and Shenanigans ensue (along with sexy shenanigans!). Both Clark and Bruce are gremlins, it's perfect :)

make a mercy out of me by InkDropMemories - Batfam, complete. BATMAN CAGE FIGHT?!?!?! TO PROTECT NIGHTWING AND FLASH?!?!? A MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!! (do it, pls)

Take Me Where I Cannot Stand by RenkonNairu - Superbat (both large and medium), wip. I love this concept! The fic did an Uno Reverse card on the doomed planets: Earth is destroyed by climate change, and the batfam (Bruce, Dick, Tim, and Damian) are on a ship to find a new home. They find Krypton. Many feels ensue, especially since Bruce didn't want to go, he want Alfred to be with the boys instead while he stayed on Earth :( SO GOOD!

Patchwork Pod by Ktkat9 - Superbat, wip. More of the mer Bruce fic!! Much drama happens when Tim's parents show up!

Champagne Problems by SalParadiseLost - Superbat and Batfam, wip. More of Himbo omega Bruce who is bad at math. The three kids who he adopted (kinda) are introduced!

Happy Reading!

[goth-pod]

Goth-Pod Ep 5: Gotham Troubles

Welcome Back! Listening to you send ins, Juda Boone talks about things by Gothamites, for Gothamites!

[goth-pod is a fictional in-universe podcast based on the DC comics universe. Juda Boone is an original fictional character, not based on any real person or known comic book character.]

Transcript under the cut

Hello everyone and welcome to Goth-Pods special trials and troubles episode! I’m an indie theater’s take on the ghost of Christmas Present- and your host, Juda Boone. 

We're looking at your submitted trademark Gotham problems. So without my usual ramblings, lets get to business

—

For our first submission username Trekkle brought up a good debate: Subway vs Bus: The Subway is safer, since buses can get hit during rogue attacks, but if you're stuck underground there's a chance of a killer croc attack and also the birds ride the roof. 

Fantastic points, Trekkle! Thank you for writing in. I don't know exactly what you mean by the birds riding the roof, though. Do you mean Robin? Because I have been on the tram while a fight was happening between Robin and The Penguin on top. Of course, I missed most of it because I had my headphones in. Noise cancellation has its pros and cons in Gotham.  

There’s no set answer on this one, I don’t think. You kind of have to pay attention to what Rouges are active the way you pay attention to the weather. Cloudy with a 70% chance of a Riddler scheme? Maybe take the Buses, since they’re not connected to a maze-like system like  the subways are. But maybe it's sweater weather with a possible freeze-over because Victor Fries broke out two nights ago and is due for a showy return. Then an underground bunker with cushy seats doesn’t sound too bad.

—

From Clexx we have: I'm new to Gotham (full ride scholarship, thank you Mr. Wayne): Why does everyone hate Superman? I tried to get answers from a friend and they called Superman a Homewrecker. Is there an infidelity scandal around Superman I don’t know about??

Oh wow. First of all, congratulations on the scholarship! I'm assuming you're attending Gotham U? Just be sure you get a proper Rogue-proof gas mask. Yes there is a difference. It’ll probably be covered in your Orientation though, so onto the main question. 

To the Homewrecker comment.. oh I didn’t think it’d come to this. Okay, there's this thing in Gotham. Clexx, have you ever heard of Bruceman? Ask your friend about it, they’ll probably love to explain more. Basically it is a Real-Person based Ship on Gotham’s two protectors, Bruce Wayne and Batman. One watching over the day, the other the night. 

This is another Topic that might take all episodes to explain, so to keep it short: People see Superman and Batman’s relationship- professional, platonic, romantic, or however they define it- as a threat to Bruceman, the number one Gotham Ship. Godspeed if you get between our beloved prettyboy himbo and our odd night-stalking cryptid. 

—

From Allison: My cousin is visiting and I want to show them why I stay in Gotham. Where can we go for 1) a low level rogue attack (for Bat sighting), and 2) where can we go for a Wayne sighting. (They think Dick Grayson is hotter then Brucie [eye-rolling emoji])

For the first one, I think any part of our public transport system will do, as we discussed before. The tricky part is knowing when it’s going to be low-level or if your cousin will be joining you in a shelter-in-place lockdown.

For a Wayne sighting, unfortunately it’s harder to say these days. Bruce Wayne has made several statements on how he’s spending less time at the company in order to focus on bonding with his new son, Jason. I hate to disappoint, but right now might not be the time for celebrity sight-seeing. Maybe take a day trip to Bludhaven! Your cousin might enjoy the chance to convince you instead. 

Thank you all for writing in and for joining us on this special episode! If we didn’t get to your submission, head over to our socials to see if we replied there. I’m Juda, you’re listening to Goth-Pod

Until then, Newcomers, visiting cousins, locals on the bus, Stay safe, Gotham.

[dairy-farmer]

I've seen it done exactly once in an ABO fic but it was GRIPPING and I think you'd love it? And this is just my take on the themes/troupes cause "Nice~👍🎉💖"? Vaguely Gothic Horror but Modern Bats! Mixed with a Civilian Tim Au! Where Tim doesn't know Bruce is batman. Oh sure he knows the Brucie Mask is fake as hell, has since he was super tiny, but NOT what he's hiding! What ANY of them are.

And the Bats are urban legends, the wealthy scoff, you don't REALLY believe there is some sort of Bat Creature running around Gotham? (Wayne tech makes the finest video scrambling tech not on the market. It will never BE on the market.) Tim of course knows there IS, but really... since his parents died? He's more concerned with keeping Drake Industries afloat. People don't have a lot of confidence in young teenage CEOs. Or even barely legal CEOs.

He's been swamped. Yet Brucie "I basicly OWN half of Gotham yet everyone thinks I'm a harmless himbo" Wayne has been religiously sending him invites to every event he hosts. As though Tim wouldn't have been eaten ALIVE and had Drake Industries stolen from him, before now. But he can't put it off any more. He's run out of fires to put out, as it were.

People are starting to ask when they'll see him at the next event. If he's, for some unthinkable reason, AVOIDING dear Brucie Wayne. The beloved brainless prince of Gotham. Both PR and HR would strangle him to death with his own insides if he said he was.

So he goes. Puts on his best GNC suit, those touches of jewelry, a bit of scent you can't tell if it's perfume or cologne etc. And he goes to be the little Dragon of Gotham. Tries to avoid getting to close to the looming, masked by only their own faces, CLEARLY hiding something Wayne's.

He fails.

Of course he does. Bruce gets him alone. Knows that Tim knows his Brucie Mask is fake. Knows a LOT more then he should, actually. Has been trying to get a hold of him since his parents accident. To foster him of course. (And in the beginning that really WAS all Bruce wanted to do. But Tim was so, so clever. Kept escaping and proving himself and fighting. Bruce was watching, ready to step in and take over. Them moment never came though. But Bruce has grown so... attached. He WANTS to take care of his boy. This brilliant soft young man, untouched by the vigilante life.)

Tim mentally calls bullshit. There is HUNGER in those eyes. And? Just as Bruce is pulling the "you know... Wayne Industries has been VERY interested in some of your company's current projects, we should sex about it." Purr and loom routine? They get interrupted by the one and only Gotham's Golden Pretty Boy: Dickie Grayson. And oh shit! Same too toothy fake smile, same hunger in the eyes, weird tension between him and Bruce. Tim takes his chance to escape.

But for SOME reason? After that party? He CANT seem to escape! (It's cause they're Bats. Professional Ninja Stalkers.) Showing up everywhere, knowing too much, circling tighter and tighter like sharks he's not entirely sure he even WANTS to fight. No one has ever been this into him. There are enough red flags to bury men alive.

He might be into that.

And they DO watch him everywhere! Both mundane life, work, and getting off when he should be in what is the privacy of his own home. They fantasize about it, about him. There are GIFTS.

Then? Oh dear, one rainy, rainy night... as he needs to fetch something from the old Manor he grew up in... which is RIGHT next to Wayne Manor? For some UNKNOWN reason his car blows a tire as it passes near their gate! Well he can't drive like THAT! And it is so VERY late! Guess he has no choice but to stay the night now.

And if the sneak a bit of pollen into his food? Well they FINALLY have their Tim HOME. Where he belongs! He'd love being part of the family, being loved, taken care off, not ALONE anymore. But they have such a limited amount of time to convince him. To open him up to the idea that being around them feels good. That they'll take care off him. The second the rain stops, he'll flee again back to lonely penthouse and isolated life. They HAVE too!

So they make him feel good. Brain meltingly good. Mouths and fingers and toys and more. They have his phone and work computer, it'll be easy to impersonate him for a while and shoulder some of that work for their boy while they convince him. They have NO idea how he got dosed they lie, but they care so much, love their Tim so much they'll GLADLY help him through it. Won't tell a soul, promise! They got you little bird, they got you~♡

i might have a fic rec for this!!!! it's incomplete but a very good civilian tim and bats/tim fic!!!!!!!!!!!!

its called the rapture, it's a hunger

the idea of the bats alll having this kind of possessiveness over tim and doing their best to integrate into his life like he's not desperately suspicious of them and their ulterior motives is so good!!!! tim may not be robin or a bat but he can still pick up and sense that things aren't fully pure and innocent from these waynes that act VERY suspicious towards him in particular. but tim is trapped because its him against basically a miniature army who all have an obsessive streak 😭

[sergeant-angels-trashcan]

DC crossover anon: OKAY OKAY SO CONSIDER… Kate and Dick Grayson. The PARALLELS. Dick knows what it’s like to just be a normal guy on a team full of powered people, to feel like you need to earn your seat at the table. Dick fought for respect as Robin, as Nightwing… Kate did it as Hawkeye. She went toe to toe with Steve for this right. Dick struck out in a new town like Kate did in taking off for the west coast. They understand the hero worship, only to be struck with how human your mentor really is. And listen, if Kate had a nickel for every time she wound up running with a former circus performer who pretends to be a himbo but is actually really fuckin smart…? Well, she’d only have two nickels, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice.

A/N: I am so sorry this has been languishing in my drafts for months and even though i have more thoughts i want to post it because hi i am IN LOVE with them ilu dc nonny

Oh my godddd ohhhhhmy goddddddddddd

I am seeing them getting ready for (superhero) work and realizing they picked up the wrong batons which is so DUMB and so CUTE or maybe they even got as far as superheroing and Kate is like HUH well THAT wasn't supposed to happen as she's standing over some twitching goon and calling Dick like "Hey babe I think we need to label the batons better just a thought" and Dick who is FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE because Kate doesn't have tasers is like YA THINK???? (I am so sorry for yelling babe I wasn't mad at you I was mad at the situation and also the literal clown I was fighting)

Do they meet at a rich person gala and Kate is trying to figure out if Bruce is Tony Stark rich dude or Justin Hammer rich dude and realizes what better way to infiltrate this sus billionaire than by getting tight with his kids? They both absolutely know how to ballroom dance. Do they meet because Kate decides to take some aerial classes??? DUO ACRO ROUTINE MY BELOVED?!?!?! (OH my goddddddd Dick teaching circus classes? Kate and Clint taking circus classes and he critiques Dick the whole time but they bond over how the Joker is a bad clown. Not like evil, but like, bad at being a clown. The fucking audacity of him.)

Universe mash up where the Avengers et al and the Justice League et al come together for some reason and Nightwing and Hawkeye are impressed with one another in a professional way and then Bruce(Wayne) and Steve(Rogers) decide to set them up by sending them on fake missions together only because Kate is Kate it keeps backfiring and the fake missions all become real missions. It's OK though because they all come together to defeat an interdimensional villain and then there's a frantic makeout session

Kate and Dick would be able to pull off one of my favorite tropes "we've been dating for 3 1/2 years but everyone thinks we just team up to fight crime." Everyone thinks the teamups are because their teamup name is NightHawk. Obvi. Whatever version of them getting together, a total of three people know. One of them is Damian who Does Not Care Thank You Very Much (he does. He cares SO MUCH. when is the wedding he wants to know he had BETTER be a GROOMSMAN, RICHARD. He's already training Lucky to be the ringbearer. But he super mega doesn't care he thinks they're idiots.)

UGH SECRET IDENTITY SHENANIGANS (assuming a crossover where Kate can maintain a secret identity for more than 30 seconds) does the general public think that Dick is dating Hawkeye? That Kate is dating Nightwing? DO THE BUTTS MATCH????

How long before she gives up and starts calling him Dick? She absolutely can't at first, stop LAUGHING, Tommy, and at first the Batfam thinks she's kind of posh and weird like Damian because she's calling him "Richard" does he even actually want to be called Dick she doesn't know!

How into it is Dick when they go to some super shitty bar in Bludhaven and she kicks his ass at pool? He is so super into it its not even funny, honestly any time Kate kicks his ass he is VERY into it.

Kate is out here a small business owner where she is LITERALLY a detective and then at night saving the world? Dick why does that weirdly sound like Bruce? Dick? Do you call Kate daddy Dick WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY ITS A SERIOUS QUESTION

Also I was looking at this on my phone and my eye caught the phrase "struck out" and I am obSESSed with Dick striking out with Kate (trying to date her to get intel on her dad?) while Jason actually gets her to agree to dinner and obviously Jason will never let Dick forget this ever. After dinner--during dinner?--something happens and that's when they realize that Hawkeye (who has been flirting with Nightwing and they're sort of crime fighting dating) just went on a date with Red Hood (they shoot at each other once a week) and that Kate TURNED DOWN the guy she has actually sort of BEEN DATING FOR TWO MONTHS???

Tim texts the entire Batfam about this. Babs steals Kate's phone and texts her entire team. It's terribly embarrassing for Dick and Kate but really brings their teams together.

DICK ADVISING KATE ON GETTING A SIDEKICK?!?!? Damian trying to convince kid!Loki to be Kate's sidekick? DAMIAN AND KATE TEAMUP WHEN DICK IS SICK!?!?! And just. The amount the Batfam would adore Kate. Because she's Kate, because of how happy Dick is when he's with her, because she shares interests with like all of them, Kate and Damian SWORDFIGHTING

I can't decide if Dick's acrobatic training is the only reason he can beat Kate in a fight, or if it's the only reason Kate can beat Dick in a fight (I think they're pretty evenly matched.) On the one hand, Dick's use of acrobatics in his fighting style is pretty unusual and even trained fighters are going to be unprepared for some of his moves. On the other hand, I can see Clint either showing Kate some tricksy moves from his circus days, or Kate just picking it up by observing him. Idk it would be very funny because the acrobatics thing is unique, it gives Dick's moves an edge and he's honestly not used to losing fights and then Kate just. Fucking clotheslines him.

Now that I think about it,

Okay. okay. For Kate, fighting Dick is a lot like fighting Clint. They're built similar and have the acrobatics background. Kate is used to fighting people like Dick. Dick is less used to fighting people like Kate. You remember that picture of an eagle sitting next to a housecat, where it was captioned "I eat things like you, but not your size/I eat things your size but not like you"? That's them.

They also do yoga together after a long night of fighting crime. Also Kate is so protective of Dick it's kind of funny, Dick is ABSOLUTELY capable of taking care of himself but he is SO OKAY with Kate taking care of him, of her being a little feral about him in public, he wants the title of Boytoy. Tim says that Dick is Kate's poor little meow meow and look. points were made. Dick is just SO GOOPY about her in private but if you so much as look at Hawkeye in that tone of voice Nightwing will wreck your shit.

[crossover-enthusiast]

OH MY GOD YES THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BOI

I was almost thinking Shaggy cause his family is also loaded and it'd be silly BUT FRED IS PERFECT

He has enough in common with Bruce with wanting justice and loving traps but he's also the most beloved himbo boi

Yessssss exactly

[ozs-twink-boytoy]

He compartido 6387 publicaciones este 2022

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#like i prefer a story with kudos and no comments to one thhat has coments that dont tell me anything besides

Mis publicaciones más populares este 2022:

5

110 notas. Fecha de publicación: 3 de diciembre de 2022

4

My dad, about Injustice: I don't understand why should I feel bad for the Joker's girlfriend but not of Batman's bastard son

Me: Well that's an interesting sociological question from the perspective of–

Dad: Short version, mija

Me: It's racism, happy?

184 notas. Fecha de publicación: 25 de septiembre de 2022

3

Yo what if Bruce's Mandarin was fucking terrible but he still used with Talia and Damian to show his respective types of love for them like

25 year old Bruce: *trying and failing to flirt in Mandarin*

Talia: *laughs* better stick to crime fighting beloved

45 year old Bruce: *trying and failing to recite an old Chinese lullaby to make Damian calm down after a PTSD nightmare*

Damian: *snickers through tears* that was terrible

230 notas. Fecha de publicación: 11 de septiembre de 2022

2

The webisodes and Manster diaries imply that Hetah was always aware of his two cousins being the same person and that he didn't tell anyone just to fuck with the others. And I think that's a pretty neat bit of characterization for him, it gives him dimension besides "Literal Flaming Himbo". Now he's also a Little Shit™️

245 notas. Fecha de publicación: 15 de septiembre de 2022

Mi publicación más popular de 2022

I'm taking the phrase "[They] love you in their own way" away from abusive parents/their enablers and placing them in the capable hands of Amatopunk folks

550 notas. Fecha de publicación: 13 de septiembre de 2022

Descubre tu resumen del 2022 en Tumblr →

[evilminji]

Hey Beloved But Dimwitted Himbo Brucie Wayne, Who Is My Dad! Here's a very dangerous, ecto powered, tazer net gun! With build in hand warmers and phone charger! Also this freeze gun, this goo grenade, and these Suspect Chemicals. Could give these to that guy you hate but keep running into when you next see him? Thanks! Bye~☆

Like? Bruce is glad to see his cover DEFINITELY is working... but you DO realize if he was half as dumb as he pretended to be... he would DIE, right?

Retired hero & current (almost) mad scientist/engineer Daniel James Wayne where he's absolutely oblivious. And I mean that in a batfam knows everything about him but Danny? Has not pulled the dots together.

Danny "Oh yeah my family's a bit weird and I could smell lingering death on them but that's pretty much it what's wrong with it?" Wayne.

Danny who is allowed to do anything as he please and coming to Bruce just giving him new inventions, ghost related or not, and flatly asking weather or not it was possible to give it to Batman to test.

[raeofgayshine]

Bruce Wayne, drunk and full on Brucie mood in the middle of a gala: You know, that accent doesn’t really fit in around here. It’s cute. Where are you from?

Clark, internally debating every life choice that led him to this moment: I’m from Smallville. Kansas.

Bruce, leaning closer to Clark with a flirty smile: Oh you’re cute and funny. You know, I like that in a man.

Clark, very confused but trying to just go along with it: Thank you??

Bruce: I mean, everyone knows that Kansas isn’t real but I do always enjoy a good laugh.

Clark: What.

Bruce: What? Everyone knows that Kansas was made up for Wizard of Oz.

Clark, unsure if Bruce is fucking with him or if he’s just really deep into this dumb act: Bruce, Kansas is a real place. It’s one of the 50 states that make up America.

Bruce, tilting his head a little confused: There’s 50 states? Since when?

[3-inch-sam]

a required trait of all BBox characters: himbo

[superbattrash]

top 5 idiots (affectionate) of all time

Ohhh! I’m shuffling my bag of idiots (real and fictional) around as we speak 👁️

1. My dad (shut up, i know, but I love how he’s a moron while also being the smartest guy I know)

2. Goku <333 you can be dumb AND smart!

3. Bruce Wayne because I said so 🫦

4. Monkey D. Luffy (as if that needs an explanation)

aaaand 5) Jason Todd, my beloved little murder baby <3

Are these just himbo adjacent and/or emotionally challenged men? Maybe

[hopefulstarfire]

Alright so the Gotham Historian podcast is still happening. It's not gonna be a high quality high budget thing unfortunately its essentially me w my own lil recording app just yammering away about Batman 😂.

The first scripts almost done. It was gonna be shorter and then I found something interesting so now it's gonna be longer and it'll be discussing Batmans very first appearance ever, Detective Comics #27.

The second script I'm trying to pull in as much research as I can for it because it's about the early publication history and creation of Batman. It will namely be focused on Bill Finger and some of the other contributors, such as Jerry Robinson, and not so much on Bob Kane. Because Bob Kane got over 70 years of the spotlight to himself for essentially just being the salesman for Batman while everyone else did all the work. I will have rants about this.

Third episode will be all about explaining the Bat Familys various members, how it came to be, and even some looks at the Wayne family tree itself.

Fourth episode will be about Batmans Rogues Gallery. And, yes, you will be hearing so much about Lord Death Man, because goddamnit he gives me so much seratonin in the midst of my major depression. I fucking love Larry.

Fifth episode will be dedicated to both mapping out Gotham, explaining Wayne Industries a bit more and also going into some of the different Batman gadgets. It's the catch all episode for that.

After those episodes, I have ideas, just figuring out the episode order, but it'll be going across just all sorts of different topics and if anyone wants anything specific I will absolutely do it.

For now, some of the ones I know I'm gonna be talking about are

An entire in depth episode for a milestone talking about Pre/Post Crisis Jason, leading up to his death and everything around A Death in the Family, and about how he wasn't the angry asshole or "little snot" that his writers at the time tried to say he was.

The wildest Batman controversies, and, yes, The Selfish Lover one is at the top of that list.

Some different storylines across the Batfamily and their villains, such as Tower of Babel, Long Halloween, We Are Robin, Year One, etc.

The best episodes of BTAS.

Debating on if i just want to make a really long post about why Lego Batman and Mask of the Phantasm are the best theatrically released Batman films (with the Burton films being just right behind them) or if I should do it for the podcast.

The issue where Bruce got to save his parents.

The issue where Batman wanted to lobotomize the Joker.

The importance of Oracle.

How I would do a Batfam series of cinematic or television releases.

The Himbo Bruce Wayne Argument. I do briefly talk about it in the first episode. There will be an entire episode dedicated to this because I will die on this hill.

Probably the best episodes or highlights of the different movie and tv show adaptations of the Batfam or those moments that really hit hard. I probably won't touch on the Nolan films or Pattinsons Batman bc I don't like them and I don't really feel like just sitting there talking about shit that I don't like bc others like them and thats okay find your enjoyment wherever you can dudes.

Also don't really wanna talk about Tom King and Devin Grayson, because they have both pulled so much fuckshit with their runs and I just

Different episodes going more in depth into specific characters beyond just my explanations in the 3rd and 4th episodes; such as deeper dives into Dukes powers and also where his story can take him, finding identity with Tim (since the writers cannot figure out what his hero name is anymore and also lets not forget btas just making him jason with tims name and costume), Harleys character growth, why Two Face would make for an infinitely better archnemesis for Batman than the Joker, etc etc.

WAYNE FAMILY ADVENTURES MY BELOVED.

I got a ton more but those are just some of what I've been thinking of and again if anyone wants a specific topic I am more than happy to talk about it. But just know that it is on the way and I'm just excited to be able to share thoughts and information with everyone because Batmans been my favorite thing since I was at least 3 years old.

[nurvuss]

I Watched the First Episode of Every New Spring 2021 Anime Airing on Crunchyroll

Hey, are you like me, and feeling like you're not getting the most out of your Crunchyroll subscription? Sure, there's stuff on there that you know you like. But whenever I look at the big long list of simulcasting shows, my eyes glaze over and I don't even know where to begin.

I wanted to change my habits and see if there were any shining gems that I should be watching. So, as per the title, I watched the first episode of every new Spring 2021 anime on Crunchyroll. And guess what? There’s a lot of crap! But indeed, there’s some stuff that’s worth your time.

Some clarification: I've only watched shows that began their first season in April 2021.

Backflip!!

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The Lowdown

As Futaba Shotaro comes to the end of middle school, his interest in baseball has begun to wane. Soon he notices the Ao High Boys Gymnastic Club and becomes enthralled, especially after seeing them perform. Once he learns they're down two members, he chooses to sign up and pursue the art of gymnastics. The club is also joined by Misato Ryoya, a star solo gymnast looking to expand his technique through teamwork.

Our Thoughts

Pretty formulaic shoujo sports anime: you've got your himbo, your thug, your ladies' man, your stoic guy, with Shotaro rounding out the cast as the shy and awkward audience surrogate. It looks wholesome enough, and the choreographed routines employ CG in a way that's quite convincing without being hideous.

Who It's For

Fans of  FREE, or Yuri!!! on Ice, or any similar shows about cute boys who succeed at athletic feats. 

Borscht Rating

Burning Kabaddi

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The Lowdown

Legendary high school soccer star Yoigoshi Tatsuya has given up on sports! That is, until he's blackmailed to join the high school kabaddi team, under threat of his online persona being leaked to the entire school. Although Tatsuya initially writes kabaddi off as stupid, the unexpected happens as he begins to have fun.

Our Thoughts

Kabaddi is kinda like competitive tag, or dodgeball but with your body instead of a ball. Burning Kabaddi is basically the shounen alternative to Backflip!! above, replete with nosebleeds, pratfalls, and dudes punching each other. The main cast don't seem to like each other very much; that probably changes as the show goes on but at first blush it's a dynamic I always find annoying.

Who it's For

Fans of Haikyuu!!? Maybe?

Borscht Rating

CARDFIGHT!! VANGUARD overDress

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The Lowdown

The newest series based on Bushiroad's collectible card game, featuring character designs by the beloved collective CLAMP. Petit middle schooler Yu-Yu just doesn't know how to say no. As his older students dress him in drag to use as live makeup practice, he suffers a panic attack and flees into the streets. After being accosted by a pickup artist, he's befriended by Megumi, who invites him to witness a Cardfight match at the local abandoned amusement park. However, Yu-yu is too shy to tell Megumi he's actually a boy…

Our Thoughts

What an unexpectedly weird concept for a show about a card game. Our hero spends the whole episode in drag, whimpering and simpering at the sight of any conflict. Then they show off the latest series of cards, which all seem to be giant buff knights with names like "Bad Steve" and "Violent Bruce". Your guess is as good as mine.

Who it's For

Cardfight!! lovers, Japanese gender studies majors, or the most desperate fujoshi. 

Borscht Rating

Cestvs: The Roman Fighter

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The Lowdown

The year is 54AD, and Nero has taken the throne as the youngest emperor of Rome. At the bottom of the population, Cestvs is a young slave training to be a colosseum boxer. Reluctant, his only choice is to fight or die.

Our Thoughts

Seeing Nero depicted as a gentle little twink is pretty funny. It's also pretty funny that the central character is named after a Roman boxing glove. The animation style transitions to some very uncanny CG when a major fight takes place, and I didn't like that one bit! This seems like a pretty average tournament anime but with a historical setting. It's currently unknown if any of these dudes are fucking each other. I'm gonna say probably.

Who It's For

The venn-diagram of Greco-Roman history buffs and lovers of tournament series?

Borscht Rating

Don’t Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro!

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The Lowdown:

Hachioji Naoto is a nerdy, introverted student who spends his time studying and avoiding socialising. When pages from the fantasy manga he's drawing fall out of his bookbag, they catch the attention of a younger student named Nagatoro Hayase. Nagatoro begins to tease Naoto for his otaku interests and awkward demeanour, peppered with some suggestive flirting.

Our Thoughts:

What would you do if a younger girl flirted with you? Would you cry? Piss your pants maybe? Maybe shit and cum? Don't Toy With Me… attempts to barely conceal its BDSM fantasy with its comedic elements, but it's incredibly apparent as Nagatoro always wipes away Naoto's tears as a sort of aftercare. It's like a lighter, comedic version of Aku no Hana, but lacking any of the ponderings or danger that made that work so special.

Who It's For: 

People who search Pornhub for "bratty sister femdom".

Borscht Rating:

86 Eighty-Six

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The Lowdown

The Republic of San Magnolia and the Giad Empire, have been at war for nearly a decade. Using advanced military technology, the frontlines are fought by giant mecha drones called Juggernauts, controlled remotely by Handlers. Major Vladilena Mirizé is one of the military's most talented Handlers in the 1st District, and one who is constantly teased by her peers for the humanity and empathy she shows her squadron. The government line is that drone warfare has kept casualties to zero, but unbeknownst to the public these "drones'' are piloted by 86ers—the lowest class of citizens, forced to live in military internment camps in San Magnolia's 86th District.

Our Thoughts

This is incredibly my kind of thing. We've got a dual narrative being set up here: Vladilena as the kind, reluctant officer of a fascist regime, and the Bad Company-esque antics of her new ragtag squad, Spearhead. The first episode is split pretty evenly between the two, with each story converging at the end as Vladilena "meets" Spearhead for the first time through her comms station. It's an explosive and enticing first episode, and I can't wait to watch more of it.

Who It's For

Fans of Fullmetal Alchemist, Psycho-Pass, Gundam, or any number of anti-imperialist war stories.

Borscht Rating

Fairy Ranmaru

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The Lowdown

In a quiet corner of the city sits Bar F, a modest drinking establishment staffed entirely by five hot young men. Unbeknownst to the general population, these men are a crack team of fairies sent to the human world to gather the latent energy of "attachment". They do this by solving the problems of young women, taking their hearts in the process.

Our Thoughts

Hubba hubba, a little something for the ladies! It's Weiẞ Kreuz with a bar instead of a flower shop, fairies instead of assassins, and some pretty revealing outfits. There's definitely a little Persona 5 inspiration here too, from the punctuating phrase "Take your Heart!" to many of the visual cues. Make of that what you will.

Who It's For

Fans of Weiẞ Kreuz, slash fic authors.

Borscht Rating

Farewell, My Dear Cramer

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The Lowdown

Onda Nozomi was once the star player of her middle school football team. Completely unmatched, she no longer plays as there's no opponent she deems to be on her level. Meanwhile Suou Sumire far outpaces her teammates, causing her frustration. By a twist of fate, these two girls find themselves joining the scrappy Warabi Seinan High School FC as they begin to learn the value of teamwork and friendship.

Our Thoughts

I don't know sports. And I really don't know football. I had to look up what the title meant, and now I barely know who Dettmar Cramer is. I'm really not the best person to judge this, but it seems like a pretty good female-driven sports anime. 

Who It's For

Fans of Ace o Nerae! or other sports manga/anime about those ever burning bonds between young teammates.

Borscht Rating

Gloomy, the Naughty Grizzly

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The Lowdown:

Pitty lives with his pet Gloomy, a massive pink bear. Can a boy and a bear truly get along?

Our Thoughts:

This is a series of minute-long gag episodes in which Gloomy mauls Pitty and blood squirts everywhere. It's definitely meant to be a morbid parody of Sanrio or San-X; it might be a Rilakkuma parody in particular? Gloomy is the kind of thing you might laugh at if it came on in between shows, but it's pretty slight to go through the trouble of putting on.

Who It's For:

Gag anime fans with one minute to spare.

Borscht Rating:

Higehiro: After Being Rejected, I Shaved and Took in a High School Runaway

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The Lowdown

After a night of drinking in Tokyo, slovenly salaryman Yoshida encounters a teenage runaway sitting under a lamppost. She offers to sleep with him in return for letting her spend the night in his apartment. Yoshida refuses her offer but allows her to stay. The next morning the girl, Sayu, reveals she's travelled all the way from Hokkaido, sleeping with random men in return for lodging and money. Feeling responsible for her safety, Yoshida agrees for Sayu to stay indefinitely in return for handling household chores.

Our Thoughts

This is kind of the inverse of Koikimo (see below), but without a scumbag character and from a male perspective. It's not nearly as nauseating as that show, but it's still a fantasy about living with a busty teenage girl.

Who It's For

Libertarians.

Borscht Rating

I've Been Killing Slimes For 300 Years And Maxed Out My Level

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The Lowdown: 

Office lady Aizawa Azusa dies of overwork in her early 20s, and finds herself standing before a lecherous goddess. Allowed a wish as compensation for her untimely demise, Azusa wishes for an endless life of leisure. The goddess reincarnates her as a 17-year-old immortal witch in an RPG-coded fantasy world. Thrilled, Azusa lazes about, brewing potions for her neighbouring villagers, and kills a small amount of slimes each day to supplement her income. After doing this every day for 300 years, she inadvertently finds herself at Level 99. Her peaceful life is soon upended as adventurers and dragons come from miles around to challenge the legendary witch.

Our Thoughts:

I'm not really an isekai fan, and that goes double for series which aren't set in an RPG, yet use RPG mechanics. Levelling up, grinding stats, min-maxing, as if it's a part of the fabric of the setting. I don't get it. I like watching numbers go up as much as the next dork, but I don't need to watch numbers go up in absolutely every piece of media I consume. Just play a fucking video game, Jesus Christ almighty.

I thought this might be setting up a fun series in which a layabout is reluctantly called upon to undertake a dangerous quest, but I don't think that's what's going on at all. When the red dragon Laika wrecks Azusa's house, she transforms into a cute young girl and the two begin living together, teaching each other the pros and cons of hard work and slothfulness respectively. The trajectory of the series might be as laid back as its protagonist in the end, which, ultimately, would be fitting.

Who It's For:

Isekai fans, slice-of-life fans. The twain have met!

Borscht Rating:

Joran: The Princess of Snow and Blood

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The Lowdown

In alternative history Japan the Meiji Period continued well into the 1930s, and the ongoing Tokugawa Shogunate has brought technological prosperity to the nation through a magical energy source called the Dragon's Vein. Sawa Yukimura runs a bookshop where she lives with her little sister by day, but by night she's an assassin for Nue, the shogunate's secret police. As the terrorist group Kuchinawa deploys transforming beasts in an attempt to topple the shogunate, Nue springs into action with their own abilities.

Our Thoughts

There are a lot of concepts competing here, and a few too many flashy transformation sequences for my taste, but I'm really into it! Nue are made up of sex workers and street musicians, often overlooked and therefore easily able to blend in. There's a supernatural Standalone Complex vibe to how the team operates, and they're almost assuredly on the wrong side. Worth a shot!

Who It's For

Fans of alternate history science fiction, Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex, Demon Slayer.

Borscht Rating

Koikimo: Koi to Yobu ni wa Kimochi Warui ("It's Disgusting to Call This Love")

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The Lowdown

Amakusa Ryo is a womanizing salaryman concerned with nothing but his own base desires. As he slips on the train station stairs one morning, he's saved by the swift action of Arima Ichika, a kind-hearted high schooler. When it turns out Ichika is friends with Ryo's younger sister Riou, he decides she's his soulmate, and begins to pursue her no matter how many times she refuses him. Comedy ensues!

Our Thoughts

Yeah, OK groomer.

Alright look, Korikimo is written by a woman and told from Ichika's perspective, so this is obviously meant to be a lighthearted "older man" shoujou romance. As an older man, all I saw were the adventures of a paedophile and the teenager he's stalking. Fuck off.

Who it's For

There's probably other stuff like this, right? If you like that, here you go.

Borscht Rating

Let's Make a Mug, Too

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The Lowdown

After the death of her mother, Himeno and her father relocate from bustling Tokyo to quiet Tajimi City in Gifu Prefecture. The former salaryman opens a quiet cafe using the remarkable mugs made by his late wife, while Himeno follows in her mother's footsteps and joins the school pottery club. Although her first project ends in disaster, Himeno makes fast friends with the eccentric pottery enthusiasts who make up the club.

Our Thoughts

It's no Eizouken, but I guess it's probably not meant to be. I'm not a big iyashikei genre fan, but if that's your thing, you might enjoy the wholesome non-adventures of three girls trying to make a mug. It's worth noting these episodes are only about 12 minutes long, with the remaining runtime segmented into live action episodes where the voice actresses tour Tajimi and unconvincingly pretend to be interested in Gifu's famous mino-yaki pottery. I think this must be a tie-in with a local tourist board. 

Who It's For

People who enjoy stuff like Aria, actually.

Borscht Rating

OddTaxi

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The Lowdown

In a Tokyo populated by anthropomorphic animals, a solemn walrus named Odokawa spends his nights driving his cab around the bustling metropolis, spending his free time drinking with his pals. Odokawa soon finds his quiet life disrupted by a caper involving a missing girl, some crooked cops, and the animal yakuza. 

Our Thoughts

A deft blend of working class slice-of-life with mystery, cute animals, and striking visual design. OddTaxi might be the sleeper hit of Spring 2021.

Who It's For

Fans of existentialist film noir with absurdist comedy, Polar Bear Cafe, walrus lovers.

Borscht Rating

Osamake: Romcom Where The Childhood Friend Won't Lose

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The Lowdown

Suehiro Maruo Sueharu Maru has his heart set on Shirokusa Kachi, the hottest girl in school. When she begins dating a young actor, Sueharu confides in his childhood friend Kuroha Shida, who's openly in love with him and he rejected in the past. Kuroha suggests the two get revenge on Shirokusa by pretending to be in love. Will Sueharu fall in love with Kuroha for real, making her dreams come true?

Our Thoughts

Give me a fucking break.

Who It's For

I don't know and I don't care.

Borscht Rating

SD Gundam World Heroes

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The Lowdown

The newest instalment of the SD Gundam media-mix franchise. In a world populated by super deform mecha, a burning meteor lands in the middle of Captain City. From it launches a terrible mechanized beast: Naughty Lion. When the police are powerless to stop it, a crack team led by Zhuge Liang Gundam and Liu Bei Gundam sorties to bring Naughty Lion to justice. When the beast stops rampaging, it transforms into Sun Wukong Gundam, a youthful amnesiac mecha horrified at the destruction he wrought. The Three Kingdoms Gundams welcome Sun Wukong into the fold to make sense of this mysterious event.

Our Thoughts

I'm an 80s kid, I know a 30-minute toy commercial when I see one.

No, seriously though, I'm aware of SD Gundam's merchandising—they're cute designs, and I even used to have a bunch of the gum rubber mini figurines. I've played the SD Great War Super Famicom games, they're fun! This is a vehicle to get kids hyped up about the latest toys, which are...based on  a hodgepodge of Journey to the West and Romance of the Three Kingdoms this year? There's even a little SD Guan Yu Gundam with a big long beard!

I kinda wanted to like the idea of a bearded robot, but the mechas are super busy and overdesigned. I guess there's only so much you can do to make your next series of toys bigger and better, so these guys are all decked out in gold accents, capes, horns, and antlers, and half the time I couldn't parse what I was seeing.

I'm so glad I don't have to watch any more of this. 

Who It's For

Very, *very* young mecha fans.

Borscht Rating

Seven Knights Revolution: Hero Successor

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The Lowdown

Long ago, the Dark God Nestra ruled the world through fear. Standing against him were the Seven Knights, seven brave warriors chosen by the Light Goddess Serrass. With their powers combined, Nestra was defeated and the lands returned to peace. Hundreds of years later the wicked Physis Cult seeks to revive Nestra, summoning undead beasts to ravage the countryside. With the Seven Knights long dead, the Granseed Academy has risen to train the next wave of heroes to combat this threat. Using special cards, the students of Granseed are able to call upon the power of the Seven Knights to guide them in battle.

Our Thoughts

As soon as the opening started with its transforming heroes and lovingly depicted weapon cards, I realised this must be based on a mobile game. Indeed, this is based on a free-to-play gacha from Korean developer Netmarble. Even before I was able to confirm this, Hero Successor failed to draw me in, eschewing details on the nature of its world in lieu of a glamourised marketing push for its source material. What's here is incredibly slight, and likely to be of little interest to anyone who isn't deep into this game.

Who It's For

Seven Knights whales, I guess.

Borscht Rating

Those Snow White Notes

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The Lowdown

Sawamura Setsu mourns the death of his grandfather Matsugorou, a talented shamisen player who refused to pass his secrets on. Not knowing what else to do, he leaves his remote village for Tokyo, taking nothing but his shamisen along with him. Soon he finds himself wrapped up in the complicated life of aspiring actress Yuna and her scuzzy rockstar boyfriend Taketo. When Setsu opens for Taketo's band, he stuns the audience with the raw emotion of his playing. However, his heart is still tumultuous. 

Our Thoughts

An entertaining first episode of a speciality music series, which is the kind of thing I have a place in my heart for. I couldn't shake the feeling of some latent misogyny that suggested the role of a woman is to inspire a tortured artist, but I might be wrong. The final few minutes take a twist by introducing Setsu's weird, horny mother who seems to have her own personal SWAT team, and it looks like the series becomes a more conventional high school anime from episode 2 onwards. Don't know about that!

Who It's For

Fans of Kids on the Slope, Sound of the Sky.

Borscht Rating

Tokyo Revengers

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The Lowdown

Former delinquent Takemichi is unsatisfied with the way his life turned out, living alone in a paper-thin apartment and working a minimum wage job under a boss who doesn't respect him. When watching the news one evening, he learns that his highschool sweetheart Hinata was killed, alongside her little brother. On the way to work the next morning, Takemichi falls in front of an oncoming train and wakes up 12 years in the past. Armed with foreknowledge, he attempts to turn his life around and save his onetime lover.

Our Thoughts

This is drawing from a lot of sources; the whole train sequence is lifted straight from Gantz, while the story itself initially seems like a Life on Mars kind of deal. In fact, Tokyo Revengers sees Takemichi jump back and forth between the present and the past, seemingly making small changes until he achieves his desired outcome. It feels like a very video gamey depiction of time travel, and one that's not super interesting.

Who It's For

Steins;Gate fans, maybe? Delinquent manga (Shonan Junai Gumi, Crows, etc.) fans, maybe? It's pretty self-serious compared to any of those.

Borscht Rating

To Your Eternity

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The Lowdown

An immortal being in the form of an orb falls to earth and becomes a stone. Years pass, an ice age sets in, and a white wolf stumbles onto the tundra and dies. The orb, able to take the form of anything that leaves a strong impression on it, transforms into the wolf and slowly learns how to use its newfound ambulatory body. The creature treks back through the tundra where it meets a boy living alone, after the rest of his village left in search of a better life. The boy recognises the wolf as his beloved pet, Johann, and the two begin living together in the harsh, lonely wastes.

Our Thoughts

I'm being a little coy with the synopsis here, and there's a major shake-up at the end of this debut episode. This one's based on a manga by the critically acclaimed Yoshitoki Ooima (A Silent Voice), and it's a depressing, compelling, and exciting start to a series. Lots of potential here!

Who It's For

Fans of NieR, Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon, Last Exile, Kino's Journey.

Borscht Rating

So, there you have it. I'm hoping this will be of use to anyone who experiences a similar sense of dread when faced with so many choices. Maybe we’ll do this again during the Summer 2021 anime season.

Also, please don't get mad at me if I'm snarky about your new favourite show! It’s just TV and I'm a big idiot anyway.

[boop-le-snoot]

my (absolutely unasked for) opinion on...

how long would I date the MCU characters

Natasha Romanoff

Probably a few months at best. I think both of us need lots of alone time & that would either lead to a mutual ghosting or we'd devolve into friends with benefits.

Wanda Maximoff

I see Wanda as more of a baby sister to be honest, but... If we'd get together, it would probably last a couple of years and be very ✨ codependent ✨.

Pietro Maximoff

We would not. This is a manchild. Or, a child-child. We'd probably bicker 24/7 and the only topic worthy of agreement would be looking out for Wanda.

Tony Stark

Ride or Die, this is ✨it✨. The whole self-sacrifice thing Tony has got going on would be a challenge for me, and I don't claim to be the CEO of "Save a Sad White Boy" but... I think acceptance goes a long way. And I'd definitely accept all his shenanigans - Steve, watch out!

Bruce Banner

A couple of years. I'm not the kind of person who likes a love triangle between me, them and self-loathing. That last thing has to go.

Stephen Strange

It would be a short (few months), passionate and tumultuous romance before we both realize we're honestly too focused on ourselves. Someone's gotta give in the relationship and it ain't either of us stubborn bitches. We'd probably fuck around still on occasion and not be bitter about it (me; Stephen would kinda be salty).

Sam Wilson

6 months. This is an honest man that asks for commitment, I feel like he'd want a family and I'm... Not keen on either. I feel like he'd scare me away with talks about all that.

Steve Rogers

Is hatefucking a relationship? We'd be toxic as fuck to each other. Two or three-time deal after which we'd roll our eyes at each other if in the same room. Tension, but not the sexy kind.

Bucky Barnes

About four months. He strikes me as the indecisive, "I'll have what she's having" sort of type and that is just my pet peeve. I mean, it's not bad, just not really my thing. We'd probably stay friends afterwards.

Helmut Zemo

This man strikes me as a simp but in the best way. Second ✨ride-or-die✨ on this list, I feel like he'd be in agreement with my shenanigans and I definitely rock with his sense of loyalty.

Scott Lang

That's my father. I think.

Loki

Post-Ragnarok Loki would be a FWB stringing on for years, with the too-long cuddle sessions and random 'hey, let's go to the carnival today' outings that are not quite dates. Then I'd get old and die.

Pre-Ragnarok Loki is a no from me, sir. I can't handle all that angst.

Valkyrie

Ride-or-die, my beloved. Do I really need to explain this?

Thor

Ma'am, that's my emotional support himbo.

T'Challa

I feel like we wouldn't vibe together at all. I'd be awkward as hell, and even though he is an amazing, graceful person, my Slavic ass from the slums is just a little too... Ehh for him. He deserves better.

Clint Barton

This is my best friend. We probably have thought about fucking, and been drunk enough to seriously consider it at least once, and maybe something has happened but that is my best friend. So...