#hilarious because im absolutely a kind person when awake

[eucidianlyendless]

Well that's enough Tumblr for a bit

I'm gonna allow the astral plane to seize me for a bit

I have demons goblins and mothafuckin grizzly bears to run at and fight with blinding rage

[klixxy]

Genshin Fic Recs

so... i ventured into the vast world of Google looking for some good GI fic recs... only to find such a pitiful amount that i was promptly devastated. therefore, the solution is to make my own! :D

keep in mind most of these will be ChiLi or XingYun, and yes, i will try not to include smut unless it was one i really really liked. if anyone wants a separate list for just smut (though that will most likely be shorter) i can try to make one later.`

ft. my bookmark comments :)

CHILI

wrapped up in pure gold by beyondwinter

(chili; accidental marriage; chili/childe-centric; 22k words; ongoing)

"Do you understand its meaning, Childe?" He finally asks. There's a hard glint in his eyes, like he's trying to steel himself for his answer.

"Yeah." Loyalty and devotion, right? Between business partners? "I do. It's traditional, isn't it?"

Zhongli's eyes glow a warm amber in the near darkness, reflecting the soft shine of the lanterns. He studies his face with a strange intensity, as though Childe were a piece of high quality Nocticulous Jade being sold for suspiciously small sum and he's trying to find the blemishes that would explain the price. The weight of his gaze should be uncomfortable, boring into him like he can see into the very depths of his abyss-tainted soul, but Childe finds himself preening under the attention instead.

Childe accidentally proposes to Zhongli. Zhongli accepts.

The World is Water by Millereflets

(chili; smut; hurt/comfort; chili-centric; 7k words; oneshot)

Childe doesn't visit Zhongli until it's almost too late.

(my bookmarks: HOW DO YOU MAKE A SMUT SCENE SO POETIC HOLY SHITTTTT)

Set in Stone by seredemia

(chili; fake dating au; angst; some smut?; chili/chiilde-centric; 55k words; ongoing)

What do you do when you write about a certain six thousand year old consultant so much in your letters that it somehow convinces your entire family you're not only dating each other, but that you're also engaged?

In Childe's case, the answer is plain and simple: he goes along with it, of course. Absolutely nothing can go wrong if he makes a contract with the God of Contracts, vowing that the two of them will pretend to be lovers for the duration of his family's stay in Liyue. Afterwards, they'll return as normal and speak no more of this mess. No feelings or complications involved whatsoever.

Contract accepted. A fool-proof plan set in stone. Right?

Private Ledger of the Eleventh Harbinger by JuHuaTai

(chili; humor; getting together; chili/ekaterina-centric; 5k words; oneshot)

“So guess what I did next?”

Ekaterina contemplated not answering, but Harbinger Tartaglia was just… grinning and waiting. It’s honestly rather creepy the longer time passed.

In the end, she gave a long suffering sigh that seems lost on him, “You bought him the Erhu—“

“I bought him the antique, cor lapis based Erhu,”

-

When she first left her homeland for the unknown nation of Liyue, Ekaterina was ready to be many things: To be a soldier, to fell Tsaritsa’s enemies in her name, to bring glory to Snezhnaya and her leader.

Being a receptionist in a cozy bank wasn’t so bad in comparison, but she absolutely can do without the front row seat to Harbinger Tartaglia’s (expensive) love life.

i know i'm where i'm meant to go by paperclips (pastel_paperclips)

(chili; humor; fluff; chili-centric; 12k words; ongoing)

"Childe," Zhongli says suddenly. "I am enjoying myself greatly." Childe’s face breaks into a grin. "Then-" Zhongli gasps, grabbing his wrist and tugging him over to an unsuspecting peddler with a cart full of rocks. "Is that an intrusive igneous pegmatite formed in the Inazuma regions?" Childe’s grin smooths into a small, adoring smile. He has all the time in the world to figure the other man out.

OR: Finding the Geo Archon is on Childe's to-do list but hanging out with Zhongli is significantly more fun.

CHILIVEN

Crumbling Stone by avtorSola

(chiliven; ANGST; PAIN; mind control; zhongli-centric; 74k words; ongoing)

When Morax unleashes his plan to test the Liyue Qixing and his adepti, he does not take into account the stirring of the Abyss Order in the north and the corruption of Dvalin - for why would he fear an organization that works in such shadows? He is secure in his power, after all, unlike his flighty ex, the absentee archon of Mondstadt who rises only when his people are in danger.

But, somehow, the Abyss Order discovers his plan. Somehow, they capitalize on it. And he, the God of Stone who cannot sicken, is struck down - taken by an order bent on destroying all of humanity as Liyue crumbles around him. For even Archons aren't immune to Durin's blood, and Morax is no exception. But then the question becomes - if even Archons may fall to the agony of this corrupting burn - how is their traveling friend Aether immune?

The answer comes from beyond the stars - an ancient malice that knows no kindness or mercy. A malice whose legacy the Abyss Order now bears, seeking to topple all the Archons and their people into the void of utter destruction. And they have begun in Liyue.

Fortunately, it takes a long time to erode stone.

(my bookmarks: IM SCREAMING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

PLATONIC ZHONGVEN

left-behind city by trixstar

(platonic zhongven; angst; ANGST; venti-centric; 1k words; oneshot)

"An associate of mine has just informed me that Rex Lapis, the Geo Archon has been assassinated."

Venti blinks.

Or: Venti and how he copes with finding out he is all that remains.

i circle ten thousand years long; and i still do not know if i am a falcon, a storm, or an unfinished song by birdsofpassage

(platonic zhongven; angst; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 4k words; oneshot)

Venti and Zhongli, and the vignettes of a much-needed vacation around Mondstadt.

(my bookmarks: ; - ;      ;  -  ; )

oh ye with little faith by air_fried_air

(platonic zhongven; angst; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

Two former archons do a little tour around Mondstadt.

(my bookmarks: why are all genshin angst fics so melancholy.... i feel so empty)

the wind through the mountain tops by glassdrachma

(platonic zhongven; humor; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 21k words; finished)

Boredom brings Barbatos of Mondstadt to bother a certain ex-Archon of the Earth.

(my bookmarks: venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship-)

XINGYUN

the art of exorcism by Agried

(xingyun; ghost au; hurt/comfort; chongyun-centric; 9k words; oneshot)

On the road back from one of his jobs, Chongyun runs into Xingqiu, the wandering swordsman. And then they keep meeting, over and over again. or, alternately; how a ghost and an exorcist learn how to love, one step at a time.

Bane of All Evil by tzitzimeme

(xingyun; humor; romance; chongyun-centric; 24k words; hiatus)

When Chongyun unintentionally offends Liyue's second most powerful adepti, he vows to mend the thorny relationship between Adeptus Xiao and human exorcists-- even though no one has succeeded in currying Xiao's favor for over a thousand years.

His best friend Xingqiu offers to come alone, mainly because he's worried about what kind of trouble Chongyun will run into. Along the way, they receive help from others: Xiangling packs them meals for their journeys, while Zhongli gives them advice on what demons to track.

Childe is just there because he thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

[On indefinite hiatus due to burnout; sorry!]

kiss me slowly (so i don't forget) by xiwangmu

(xingyun; humor; romance; light angst; xingqiu-centric; 8k words; oneshot)

Wangshu Inn Bulletin Board

Guest Message: My best friend whom I harbor affections for kissed me last night, but due to his special condition he does not recall a single moment of it. I am quite conflicted about whether to disclose these events to him or not, because that would most certainly require me to confess my feelings as well. If anyone has experience in romancing boys with excessive positive energy, this one humbly asks you to share some advice.

Reply: Our greatest apologies—although we would like to offer some words in response, we simply cannot decipher your handwriting. Perhaps you may return with a neater message next time?

time trials by idlestars

(xingyun/many ships; humor; modern au; xingyun-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

A modern social media AU.

Xingqiu Teases Demons. Chongyun Almost Cries. [The clip shows Xingqiu, lit by the sickly green of night vision, as he stares bored into a dark room. He’s alone - Chongyun left to see if Xingqiu could lure out the ghosts. Xingqiu glances at the camera, smirks, and then opens his mouth.

“Hey demons, it’s me, yah boy.”]

OTHER/GEN

woe be the wallet of the god of wealth by glassdrachma

(gen; humor; identity reveal; keqing/zhongli-centric; 12k words; finished)

Or, the story of how the Yuheng of the Qixing came to idolize, befriend, and discover the identity of the God of Geo, in that order.

(personal comments: hilarious, made me burst out into laughter multiple times, and was just a masterful piece of writing)

to dream of dust by miao_x

(guili/gen; ANGST; hurt/no comfort; zhongli-centric; 5k words; oneshot)

Some nights, Zhongli dreams.

He dreams of soft light, golden song, and a gentle breeze whispering tales of millennia past. It is warm, familiar, and comforting.

It feels like home.

And then he opens his eyes, and awakes to reality.

(my bookmarks: oh zhongli... made me cry)

To drown in your own tears by C_rin_nyan

(guili/gen; ANGST; TEARS; PAIN; zhongli-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

As Rex Lapis, he had never shed a tear, even as he slaughtered hundreds, destruction following his every step. As Zhongli, he had shed much more than he would like to admit, however.

Or, “Zhongli’s soul gave its last scream long ago, yet even now, the echo of said sound was still strong enough to reach Rex Lapis.”

[crymeariveronceagain]

do you have any children book recommendations?

i was that kids who would get a whole stack of books from the library and finnish them in three days, but i stopped reading a few years ago, it wasn’t by choice, i still bought books and wanted to read, but couldn’t. (long story)

but now that i’m trying to read again most of the books that i own are YA and Adult WW2 historical fiction (i was a agnsty 16 year old history buff what can i say)…but i want to read something more wholesome and less realistic, if you know what i mean.

i’m really picky when it comes to YA books, but with childrens books as long as it’s found family, or mystery, or has a narrator with a sassy personality, i will read it.

i’ve always liked kid’s books better and it’s not like they won’t rip your heart out, on that note can you give me a heads up if someone dies (i was traumatized by Fig Pudding when i was 11, and read the last pages of every book because of it)

both the Lunar chronicles and Percy jackson are on my to read list, but the size of the books scare me a bit and i need to ease back into reading a little slower than that

OHKAY YES QUEEN IM ON IT.

Alright, a great and easy book series, super romantic, super sweet, aimed at like, 12-15 year olds, is Wide Awake Princess by E. D. Baker, or the Frog Princess series by her, or honestly anything by her. Fairy-Tale Matchmaker, Fairy Wings, A Question of Magic. All of it. 10/10. It's all so wholesome and cute but with good world building and magic, fun time periods cross overs between series, and all with a touch of angst, and The Frog Princess inspired Disney's The Princess and The Frog. So like.

The False Prince, by Jennifer A. Nelson. Not entirely a Kids book, leaning more towards YA in my opinion, but it's a fairytale written by a woman with the intended audience being middle grade boys.... so it's jam packed with adventure, intrigue, mystery, a bit of death and danger, politics, and a nice side of romance to swirl around in a whisky glass on a dark night. It's really hecking good, and even though I never read the sequels, I did realize exactly how much I want to be able to roll a coin over my fingers.

Anything by Shannon Hale. Yes, you want to read it. 10/10. Even her Ever After High books are good. I love this woman with my whole heart.

Roald Dahl's children's books. These books were my entire sense of humor as a kid, and you will enjoy them if you like laughing. All the nasty characters get what's coming to them, and all the magic is amazing. I recommend starting with something like The Twits(there's a very deserved death at the end, but it's hilarious and exactly the ending the Twits deserve.), or George's Marvelous Medecine(also has some death, but once again, you don't care about someone nasty dying from totally deserved consequences). My top three books of his are Matilda, The Twits, and Charlie And The Great Glass Elevator(the sequel to Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, which you should read first, even if you've seen all the movie versions).

Frindle, by Andrew Clements. Prepare to laugh. That's all i can say about this one. Comedic gold, satisfying ending.

Pretty Much Anything by Gail Carson Levine, but especially her Princess Tales, which are amazing retellings of classic fairy tales that you will enjoy every minute of.

The Princess Curse, by Merrie Haskell. I wrote angst fanfiction for the post-canon of this book. It'll never be posted. It's an odd retelling of The Twelve Dancing Princesses.

You Don't Know My Name, by Kristen Orlando. Fast paced, action packed, slightly terrifying book about being a teenage spy. More on the YA side, but I remember reading this book in a sort of awe. It was really good. There was quite a bit of death, probably of the violent kind, but it wasn't the main character, and it's a spy novel. Like, of course everyone she loves is gonna die. That's how the world works! I think there's another book out now. Absolutely awesome angsty pick.

Loki's Wolves, Odin's Ravens, and Thor's Serpent, by Kelley Armstrong. Basically a Percy Jackson but Norse Mythology and this time with the gods sort of manifesting themselves in children who now have to fight and battle the Ragnarök thing going down. They're all totally going to be stable by the end of this. At least one minor character death, and a girl turns into a fish a couple times. But there's a sweetheart of an angst werewolf!!! So!!!

Harriet The Spy, by Louise Fitzhugh. Remember your spy phase? So does Harriet. She documented it, and might be needing to learn a lesson about personal privacy and being respectful of others.

Caddie Woodlawn, by Carol Ryrie Brink. You will cry. That's all I'm saying. I don't think there's any major character death, but if there is I apologize. It's the older sister vibes for me, not even gonna lie to you. Caddie is a whole entire creature and I love her.

Socks, by Beverely Cleary. If you like cats, read this book, it will make you cry in a happy-sad way.

Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow, by Jessica Day George. Definitely leaning towards more YA, and yet still has a children's book vibe to it. BUT IF THIS BOOK AIN'T AMAZING IDK WHAT IS READ IT IT IS SO GOOD IADASJDLKHDGLKAHDFLKJDFLHSDF I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY 1000000/10 IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL I HAVE READ THSI BOOK SO MANY TIMES AND I HAVE LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF IT EVERY TIME I NEED TO BUY THIS B O O K.

[factual-fantasy]

I got 25 asks that took me WAY too long to reply to! :}

I have two top favorite episodes, the cone snail episode and the beluga whales episode.

When it comes to my favorite part of both episodes..?

..Not happy parts...

I have absolutely no idea what you just suggested.

(Referring to this post)

Thank you! That was the intention. :} I was worried that their faces all looked weird..

You want to learn more? Man.. maybe I should post that headcannon draft..

Yeah haha, this blog has taken quite the U-turn hasn’t it? I’m just glad everyone seems okay with it so far. <:} I’m excited for season 5 also! I hope it comes out soon! :D

THANK YOU, I WILL CHERISH THIS LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME FOREVER

Yes and no.

Does he think of his crew as children? Absolutely not. They are all fully grown, intelligent and capable adults, and he darn well treats them like it.

But you bet that if one of them is in danger or is frightened, he’s dropping everything he’s doing and rushing to their aid as if they’re his cub that just wondered out onto the highway.

ME TOO! I always felt like he had this fatherly vibe to him with some professionalism sprinkled on top. Like he’s always looking out for his team because he cares for them and worries about them, but its kind of disguised as him just doing his job as the Captain.

I plan to draw more Protective Barnacles because its my jam, so don’t worry! That side of you will have some more fuel soon XD. And thank you for all the compliments! :}

Daww thank you, it twaz nothin. I’m just glad that people want to see my art.

Well, taking everyone into consideration, the tallest is Captain Barnacles, and the shortest is Tomminow. (This little guy 👇)

The Vegimals aside though? Peso is the shortest. 

(And thank you! I’m glad :})

Honestly? Awful. I feel like absolute garbage, I just hope this will all finally go away soon.

Not really no, and no thanks on the cookies, I shouldn’t eat anything until I get super hungry because everything gives me stomachaches.. But a hug would sure be nice right about now.

I can give you a link to their wiki pages if that’ll help, I’m not really good with my words and you can learn everything you need to know about them there. <:}

Captain Barnacles (The polar bear guy)

Kwazii (The orange pirate cat guy)

Peso (The bby Penguin doktor)

Shellington (Tall Otter boi)

Dashi (Doge girl with skirt)

Professor Inkling (Fancy squik)

Tweak (Green bunny country gal chick)

The Vegimals (Little veggie dudes)

All the Gups (Metal fishes)

The Octopod (Momma metal squik)

Whos the youngest Octonaut? Well, if we’re not including the Vegimals, I’d say its probably Peso. And the oldest is most likely Professor Inkling.

Does anyone have claustrophobia? Yes! Captain Barnacles canonically does. He got trapped in a deep hole in some icy caves as a cub, since then he’s been afraid of tight and closed in spaces. I have extended on that fact and thought of many different scenarios relating to the aftermath of the Octonauts movie, but you know.. still not confident in all this Octonauts stuff so I haven’t posted my headcannons yet. <:/

Novelas translated into English means Soap Opera.

You think so? I feel like that’s not Kwazii’s thing, he’d probably like horror movies and action filled movies. But Peso probably would like them not gonna lie, him and Dashi would probably watch them together.

Well, in my draft post I’ve got two headcannons for her so far.

Tweak likes sleeping in the launch bay for the #1 reason that she can hear the water sloshing around in the bay. Which mimics the sound the water in the swamp used to make when she lived there with her Dad.

Tweak gets bad migraines when she’s sick, so the other Octonauts have to do a lot to accommodate her. Because the beds in the med bay aren’t that soft, she prefers to sleep in her room when she’s sick. But then the usually comforting sounds of the water in the launch bay become pain inducing. So the launch bay is emptied of all its water, the lights are shut off and, unless its an emergency, no one is allowed in the launch bay until she recovers. 

I looked it up, and its true.

KWAZII WAS A GIRL IN THE BOOKS?? THEN WHY IS HE A BOY IN THE SHOW?? WHY DID THEY CHANGE THAT?? WH??? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like this Kwazii more than I would any other version of him, but still, WHY’D THEY CHANGE THAT?? IM GLAD THEY DID BUT WHY??

Hmm.. let me think...

Captain Barnacles most likely doesn’t ever have uninterrupted free time, and even when he does, he probably still prefers to be up in HQ where anyone can find him if they need him. But lets say for the sake of it that he has some free time and he takes it. He’d probably either want to play his accordion, or want to read a book.

I feel like there’s a lot of different things Kwazii likes to do in his spare time, but goofing around in the Gup-B is probably his favorite.

Peso probably likes to do puzzles and play his xylophone.

Dashi probably reads books while listening to music. How she does both of these things at the same time I have no idea.

Tweak probably plays video games.

Professor Inkling and Shellington both probably read books in their free time.

I’m not too sure what the Vegimals would do in their free time though..

Oh yes, indeed it does. 

Before becoming the Captain of the Octonauts, Barnacles had to ask himself,  “Am I really ready to be their leader?” Can he handle managing a team of that size? Can he react to situations fast enough and make the right choices? He thought it through and believed that yes. He was ready.

But he wasn’t. He wasn't prepared for that gut wrenching anxiety when one crew member goes missing. He wasn't prepared for the crippling heat that most everywhere else has compared to his home. He wasn't prepared to become so attached to his crew that the thought of something happening to them keeps him awake for nights in a row. He wasn’t prepared for that overwhelming nausea of missing home and his sister. 

There was a lot he didn’t know. They’d all turn to him when something went wrong and ask if everything's going to be okay. He’d say “don’t worry, its all going to be okay.” but he’s just as unsure as everyone else.

Now don't get me wrong, he’s not this completely hopeless and unexperienced Captain that bit off more than he could chew, no. There’s just somethings he didn’t think about before becoming Captain of the Octonauts.

Now usually he can really keep himself composed almost always. He’s very level headed and very good at thinking his way through things, But sometimes? He just.. needs a break. He usually cant get a break because he’s the Captain and always needs to be alert, so everyone else that sees it usually tries to help.

Some crew members, like the Vegimals and Kwazii, have a habit of following the Captain around when they see that he’s tired to keep an eye on him. Others like Shellington and Dashi tend to give him space and keep things quiet for him. Some crew members, like Peso and Tweak tend to clean up around the place to take some weight off the Captains shoulders, they all help him out in some way.

Professor Inkling will sometimes find an excuse to pull him aside to have some tea with him. They’ll sit and talk for a bit but then he’s back up on his feet and back to work. This poor bear..

..hold on.. was this a drawing suggestion?

Dashi and Tweak would probably hang out in Dashi’s room and goof around. Not sure what they’d do.. maybe read, talk, play games or.. idk pillow fights? I don’t know what girls do on a girls night.

As for everyone else? I also am not sure, I don’t know what all those characters with all their clashing personalities would do on a boys night. Maybe they would all watch a movie? All attempt bake something obnoxious together? They seem like the kind of characters that would do that.

I’ve never been to a girls night or a guys night, so I don't really have much of a base to go off of.. but both groups would probably get together and do something they’d all enjoy. Guys maybe a funny movie, and the girls just talking and reading books? <:D 

For real that’d be hilarious. Imagine if their voices were deep and gruff too but they just make them sound high pitched for fun?

Dude that’d be so funny. Like Kwazii’s up to his shenanigans again blabbering on about some sea monster or what have you, and Tunip out of nowhere just goes,

“Kwazii legit stop, we all know that you’re just talking about some ordinary sea creature that pirates interpreted as a sea monster.“

The whole crew gon be like

If this game existed in their world and they all played it.....

Captain Barnacles would make it through a pacifist run and would be satisfied. He’s some kind of weirdo who doesn’t think of characters as real people and doesn’t obsess over them and cry about them. Overall he thinks the game is pretty neat, but probably not his type of game.

Kwazii would want to test his skills by attempting a genocide, but his heart of gold would get in the way and he wouldn’t be able to complete it. He’d feel terrible for killing goat mom, reset and go hard pacifist next round. Overall he thinks the game is awesome.

Peso would want to talk to every character so they’d all be included in the story. He’d go full pacifist and cry over the story and its characters. Overall 10/10 for him.

Dashi would probably cry over the game a lot and would never attempt a genocide run because the characters are now her family.

Shellington would hate the fighting parts so would delay those bits by walking around and talking to characters over and over again.

Tweak would go through a neutral run because she sometimes accidently kills weaker monsters. Overall she loves the story and its characters, 10/10 would play again.

Professor Inkling would become invested in the story I bet. Complimenting the story arcs for the characters and its creative game play. But I feel like he’d only play it once and probably wouldn’t beat it, but would have fun with it none the less.

Thank you!!!♡♡♡ Man, I never expected such a positive response to switching to Octonauts, I cant believe everyone is so excited about it! I’m so glad you like my Octonauts art, that really makes me feel better and like what I’m drawing is worth while. ɷ◡ɷ

Aww I’m glad! And oh yeah, the animals at the end were always scary. Remember the Boo the spookfish?

Boo was a cute little googly eyed fishy boi who was just so sweet and somft until the creATURE REPORT AND I-

THAT’S MY QUE TO YEET THE COMPUTER

Dawww thank you!! I tried. <:}

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

Part 4

Summary: Soulmates have different ways of being connected to one another. Sometimes it’s through being able to write on their arms and having it show up on their soulmates. For others it was having their first words spoken to one another permanently tattooed into their skin. You had a unique connection with yours, one that you really hadn’t ever heard of happening before. Whatever song was stuck in your soulmate’s head was also stuck in yours and the same was for them. When Yoongi realizes one of his songs is playing on repeat in your head, he immediately takes to writing songs to communicate with you in hopes it will finally bring you two together.

Genre: Fluff. Just pure tooth rotting, sweet fluff.

Part 1      Part 2      Part 3     Part 5

Yoongi only slept for a few hours before he woke up and immediately started working on a new song for you. This one he wanted to make more light hearted and fun. And to do that he was going to bring up your questionable taste in music and how it was absolute torture some days listening to the songs that were stuck in your head. He laughs to himself as he writes the lyrics and picks an upbeat melody to include with it, hoping you know that this song was meant to be teasing and he wasn’t actually mad at you. As he is writing a song enters his head, letting him know that you must be awake. But he is not too thrilled with your choice this time. 

“Into the unknown? Really?” He sighs but can’t hide the fond smile that spreads across his face. “I’m a little offended you aren’t listening to my song but I mean hey, to each their own.” 

“Who are you talking to hyung?” Yoongi jumps and spins around in his chair to see Taehyung standing behind him. 

“Tae? What are you doing?”

“I came to make sure you had actually gone to sleep but I should have known.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know I slept for a solid 4 hours thank you very much.” Taehyung attempts to stifle a giggle as he is supposed to be scolding his hyung but one escapes him. “How’s the song writing going though?”

“It’s going really well. I had no trouble with this one. The songs are just coming naturally to me now.” 

“That’s great. I’m sure your soulmate loves being able to hear your songs and know that you are thinking about them.” 

“Always. I never stop thinking about them to be honest...” Yoongi trails off as if he is considering something.

“Is everything okay?”

“Can I talk to you about something... and don’t tell the other guys yet please?” Taehyung walks further into the studio sitting on the couch and patting the space next to him. Yoongi gets off his chair and sits next to Taehyung. “Yesterday.. I was reading the replies on my new song and this one stood out to me. I don’t know why. But I couldn’t help but feel maybe this person was my soulmate. But another part of me thinks I am just so soulmate deprived that I am trying to see them in everybody.” 

“Can I see the reply?” Yoongi opens up the fake twitter he made and Taehyung bursts out laughing. “Hyung.. your twitter handle. What the hell.” Taehyung continues laughing much to Yoongi’s annoyance. “’I’m not Min Yoongi’. That’s hilarious.” 

“I panicked trying to think of a quick name to talk to them okay?! Stop teasing me and give me my phone back.”

“No no! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’ll stop.” Taehyung reads over the reply and furrows his brows. “I mean.. you really have no proof this person is your soulmate. Anyone could have written this comment trying to fool you.” Yoongi sighs.

“That’s what I thought. I knew I was just being crazy. But-”

“Wait a minute I’m not finished. What do you feel, Yoongi? Your gut and your heart will tell you the truth. Do you really feel that this person is your soulmate?”  Yoongi pauses for a moment.. remembering the instant spark he felt when he read your reply and the sense of happiness and calm that washed over him. 

“I do.” 

“Then that’s all you need to know.” Taehyung hands him his phone back with a gentle smile on his face. “But maybe talk to them a little bit more before you jump into this head first. I don’t want to see you end up heartbroken if it turns out this person isn’t your soulmate.” 

“That’s a good idea. Thank you, Tae.” 

“Of course! Now finish up that song and go to bed!” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Taehyung leaves and Yoongi sits back in his chair, putting the finishing touches on his song and posting it to Twitter. He goes to your page and waits to see a reply pop up, and when he does he is not disappointed. 

“I told you all of those songs you were making me listen to were torturing him! Now look what you did. There is a whole song now dedicated to my ‘colorful taste’ in music. I hate you.” You pick a pillow off the bed and throw it at your friend who is laughing hysterically. 

“At least you made an impression on him! You’re welcome!” 

“I am not thanking you for this.” 

“Aw come on y/n. This song wasn’t meant to be mean! It’s very light hearted and fun. He’s fond of you. You can tell it in the way he raps about you. It might have annoyed him at first but now I think he kind of looks forward to it.” 

“Yeah yeah. Well at least now I can have this song stuck in my head now and not the one from Frozen you were blaring this morning.”

“Hey that is a fantastic song. It’s not my fault you have no taste.” You roll your eyes and go to leave a reply underneath.

Sorry. My friend did that to torture you it wasn’t me, I swear. I’d much rather have your music stuck in my head. 

You post it and get out of bed to get ready for the day when your phone goes off. You check the notifications and see a reply from the same account from yesterday.

“Huh.” 

“What is it?” Your friend walks over to you to see what you’re looking at. 

“This same account replied to me yesterday too..” Suddenly your friend starts laughing.

“‘Im not min yoongi’... That’s totally freaking Yoongi who does he think he’s trying to fool.” 

“What are you talking about? That is not Yoongi!” 

“I bet you my life savings that it is.”

“So.. $10?” 

“Shut up you brat!” Your friend tosses the pillow back at you and you both start laughing. “Think about it y/n. He probably felt drawn to you too and panicked making a fake account just so he could talk to you and see if you really were his soulmate.”

“Well why hasn’t he said anything then?”

“Because he isn’t sure if it really is you. He probably is afraid of getting his heart broken if it turns out you aren’t soulmates.” 

“But we are..” You say with a slight pout.

“We know that y/n. But he doesn’t. He’s taking a shot in the dark here.” 

“You’re right.” 

“What did he say back anyway?” 

“He said ‘lol what songs have you been torturing the poor guy with that he had to write a whole song dedicated to it’.”

“Okay I think this is his way of finding out if you really are his soulmate. If you tell him all of the songs I have been playing for you then he’ll know!” You take a deep breath and reply to him. 

Hollaback Girl, Most of the songs from Frozen, I think even a death metal song once. 

Hahahaha poor guy. Maybe you should give him a little break? Must be hard writing lyrics and producing songs with those playing in his head. 

I have been. Lately it’s been his songs stuck in my head except for the little slip up this morning.

What slip up?

My friend set into the unknown as the alarm to wake us up. 

After that you don’t receive another reply, and opt to go about your day as a means of distraction. 

Yoongi drops the phone onto his desk. It’s you. After all this time he finally found you. Only his soulmate would know what song they had stuck in Yoongi’s head this morning. Without even realizing it a few tears have begun rolling down his face. They’re tears of happiness, of relief. Finally fate decided to grant him this one kindness and bring you two together. He doesn’t want to just outright ask you to meet him, there is still a nagging doubt in the back of his mind that maybe this is all just some prank, or a delusion. He knows he has to find a way to slip a meeting place and time into his lyrics. And he knows exactly how he wants to do that. It is with this thought in mind that he finally drifts off to sleep. 

The next morning he calls all the members and asks them to come to his studio. They are all now there sitting on the floor and couch looking at him anxiously. 

“I found my soulmate.” They all audibly gasp at this except for Taehyung who already knew. Yoongi wouldn’t have opened up to him before about it if he wasn’t already certain. 

“What?! Yoongi that’s great!” Hoseok exclaims while clapping his hands excitedly. “How did you find them?” Yoongi begins to explain the first interaction you two had, the feelings he felt. But then when he named the solid proof he now had everyone seemed to breathe out a sigh of relief. 

“Yoongi that’s great. Really you know we are all so incredibly happy for you. When do we get to meet them?” Namjoon asks. 

“See that’s the thing. I know I am probably being ridiculous for still having doubts. But before I officially meet them I want to write a song that would include a possible meeting place and time for us. I have an idea. I know it would be much easier to just fly them out here but.. I want to meet them first so I know. So I can be absolutely certain before I dive into this. It wouldn’t be the first time I thought I found my soulmate and it turned out they weren’t.” Namjoon nods in understanding. 

“So what did you have in mind?” 

You are just about to go to sleep when your phone notifies you that Yoongi has posted yet another song. You open it and bring up the English translation. Your friend stayed the night with you again incase they posted another song, wanting to be there for you and help you figure out the meaning behind everything. You both have it open and are reading the lyrics and you are confused. 

“I don’t understand...” 

“What do you mean?”

“He’s writing these lyrics as if he’s already met his soulmate. He’s talking about how their love flows freely like a river, how they met on a crisp autumn night, how they walked among the cosmos. I... I really thought he was my soulmate but I was just fooling myself.”

“Y/n come on you can’t be that dense.” You tilt your head at your friend in confusion. “He is telling you how he wants to meet you! The first day of autumn is only a few days away. He wants to meet you then.”

“Oh...”

“And the part about the river... Maybe he wants to meet you at one of the Han River Parks.”

“There’s more than one park. How the hell are we supposed to find the one he is talking about? Unless...”

“Unless what?” 

“Cosmos. Those are a type of flowers aren’t they? Is there a specific park that is famous for them?” Your friend quickly turns to the internet to find out. 

“It looks like Guri Hangang Park is famous for the cosmos blooming in September. Many people love to go see the flowers blooming there during that time.” 

“I guess we’re going to Seoul?”

“I guess so.” You take out your phone and reply under the latest song Yoongi has posted.

I’ll see you soon. 

Yoongi reads the words over and over again and his heart is absolutely soaring in his chest. He finally gets to meet you. He was finally able to communicate with his soulmate through his music well enough to be able to meet you. The first day of fall is only a few days away. In just a few days he’s finally going to be able to meet you, his soulmate. The one person he was wanted to meet more than anyone in his life. He’s finally going to be able to hug you, kiss you, hold your hand, take you on dates and just be with you. He clutches a hand over his heart as he feels like it is going to beat out of his chest. 

I’ll be waiting. 

Taglist: @anoesjkaax​​​  @just-call-me-trash-can​ @thestral-balerion​ @xcastielbabyangelface​ @rukinamukami​ @r-e-d-i-s-h​ @heartblackerthancoffee​ @rosita7703​   @jacjacwashere​   @purpletigertaetae​  @woodstockisjustlikealittlekid​  @supernatural-bangtanboys​ 

(for some reason it won’t let me tag some people so if you asked to be added and you’re not on here I’m sorry :( I don’t know what’s up with tumblr.)

[angeltrapz]

saw ur post 4 saw asks n im here to deliver!! (also fully gonna answer the one u sent me i just had a busy night 💚) — hmmm would personally love to hear more abt the Matthews-Faulkner-Stanheight-Blank family dynamic? esp maybe Daniel + Art, but rlly just anything u wanna talk abt there! maybe if they have any sorta family traditions, what holidays look like for them, that sorta deal

shfajs tysm!!!! (also tht's totally okay, take yr time!!!)

also oooo I love this question okay. so like u mentioned this when I asked abt what Eric n Daniel's relationship would b like post-trap, but I think it's very very good fr Daniel 2 like. see tht Eric has ppl who love him n who don't mind helping him when he needs it n who are THERE fr him bc again, like you've mentioned, seeing a parent so utterly shattered th way Eric was after his trap is incredibly difficult, esp for a kid (though Daniel is like. at least seventeen? still). knowing tht his dad has a good support system n is surrounded by ppl tht care abt him helps put him at ease bc he knows he can trust Adam n Art. he knows they'll keep Eric safe n tht they'll help him to heal, tht they love him n want 2 see him do well n get better. plus, Daniel knows tht if he needs to talk 2 some1 abt how difficult seeing his dad like tht is, he knows both Adam n Art r there fr him and tht helps a lot. of course, he also has Rigg + maybe Hoffman (until th whole. u know.), but they don't live w Eric. they don't see him every day th way Art n Adam do. that's not 2 say they don't know Eric is struggling, but there is a difference btwn them n Eric's boyfriends. basically, Daniel is very much grateful fr Art + Adam.

I feel like Art wld be VERY good at lending an ear fr when Daniel needs 2 talk. whether that be abt their trap + tht whole experience, Eric's trap n the consequences/rough aftermath, just plain venting, etc.; Art is there 2 listen to them + offer a solution if they want one. most times I think Daniel just wants to b listened to, esp when it comes to what they went thru in the Nerve Gas House - tht's smth they don't feel comfortable discussing w Eric right away fr obvious reasons, but therapy can only do so much. I think th two of them have more in common than they might realize at first, bc hey, Art Killed A Man Because Trevor Was Going To Kill Him If He Didn't, and Daniel Killed A Man Because Xavier Would Have Killed Both Them And Amanda If They Didn't. I feel like Art is like. very reserved abt th details of his first trap + how they affected him (and th second one tbh; it's not smth he vocalizes often at all), but fr Daniel he wld gladly talk abt it if it meant Daniel didn't feel alone. if it meant it could help them, reassure them that hey, it wasn't yr fault, u did what u had to, n I know tht can be hard 2 believe right now n that's okay. u need to process things at yr own pace.

and so Art tells them abt the Mausoleum, bares a part of himself he keeps locked away where he doesn't often give it much thought/actively ignores it. n I think tht's healing fr him too, maybe. there's solace in tht shared experience, as horrible as it was in th moment. 2 know there's someone out there who has even th faintest inkling of what u went thru + what u had to do to survive. of course Daniel relates 2 Adam fr this reason too, but like. Art will use his Lawyer Voice n make sure Daniel understands tht what they did doesn't make them a bad person or confirm tht Jigsaw Was Right And They Deserved It. n tht's rly important fr Daniel 2 hear, esp early on. it's honestly one of th first times Art is truly honest abt his feelings on th matter + the Mausoleum, n it's just. a step tht much closer to healing for both of them.

family traditions!!! they do have a few! in the summer, every sunday they have Daniel w them, Eric Art n Adam go out fr ice cream, even if they get it at the drive thru n eat it in th car bc none of them want 2 be around all th people/sit outside in th muggy weather. it's a good way to get them all out of th house fr a little while, something enjoyable tht doesn't require too much energy or even interaction. it's just smth nice they can do where they're all together n chilling n just enjoying each other's company!

this is mostly a Daniel one but every year around April Fools he just. puts fucking googly eyes on everything. n every time some1 discovers some, it doesn't matter where in th house he is, u can hear him cackle abt it. Adam thinks it's an absolute delight n has assisted on multiple occasions. tht's abt as far as pranks go fr them, bc none of them like surprises like that, but god is it ever hilarious 2 hear Eric frm the kitchen while Art Adam n Daniel r in the living room when he says "I found another one!" while he's looking fr smth in the fridge kjdkfsf.

holidays!! every Christmas they all sit down in th living room n watch a couple of movies w the blankets spread out on th floor w snacks n hot chocolate. the first Christmas following his trap, Eric was sat on th couch between Adam n Art while Daniel chose to sprawl out on th floor, n he just looked around at his boyfriends n his son n the fake pine tree they had all decorated together n he like. needs to take a moment bc this is it. this is all he cld ever want out of life right here. this is a level of peace Eric never knew he wld ever be able to reach after what he went thru fr those six months. n he just sort of presses his face into Art's shoulder n breathes thru it. he doesn't even have to say anything fr Adam n Art to know what he's thinking bc Adam's hand is on his arm n Art's resting his cheek against th top of his head, n he might cry a little, but he's happy. surrounded by th ppl he loves n who love him, love him enough to keep the lights down low n the volume on th television soft, to use subtitles so he doesn't get overwhelmed, Eric realizes he has a home n it's just. oof.

fr Valentine's Day, this one was actually Adam's idea initially: wht they do is take sticky notes n write little affirmations on thm fr each other, n stick thm in places where they'll see it. sometimes Daniel joins in on this one, but usually it's an Art Eric Adam thing. so like it'll be little things, like a note frm Adam telling Eric how proud he is of him, or one from Art letting Adam know he couldn't have had a better best friend, or th one from Eric that thanks th both of thm fr helping him w his rashes + helping him 2 accept tht part of him n start to see it as nothing to be ashamed of. it starts on th first day of February and ends on Valentine's Day itself, n sometimes they get those packs of cards u get fr kids just to write goofy shit on thm to pass back n forth n make each other laugh. they also get th discounted candy!! (Adam steals all th twix bars tho. tht's okay bc Eric likes snickers anyway n Art is fond of reese's peanut butter cups. they share th sweet tarts + conversation hearts!)

Halloween is when they get a big bowl of candy 2 leave on th porch fr the kids who're trick-or-treating while th three of them stay inside (+Daniel sometimes!) n watch some classics, like their Christmas tradition. they Also add in some bad movies 2 mix it up a lil bit bc sometimes u just need a laugh. I am like in Lov w the idea u had abt Eric n Adam sometimes building cozy pillow forts, so they do tht n the three of them just vibe in there n lay together n look n talk. n like it's So Much Fun 2 have ppl to like. discuss movies w while yr watching them! esp when they're ppl who won't be annoyed w u when u wanna share a thought! like Eric n Adam will get into this deep discussion abt horror movie decisions n Art will just lay there n listen bc he loves them so much n loves hearing them get amped up abt things. he'll offer his own two cents if asked too! mostly he listens, but he can definitely contribute.

inevitably at some point, someone's hand ends up in Eric's hair n he's just. asleep not too long after that. usually on someone's shoulder or against their chest, n depending on who's still awake, they either try 2 move to th bedroom or they just sleep in th living room (i.e.: Art will try to convince Eric n Adam to come to bed properly, whereas Adam will just b like "fuck it" n pass out right there. has this led 2 them waking up sore b4? absolutely. but it's like. "we r adults who live w our decisions n this one happened 2 be sleeping on th floor" so.

n then a minor one is on their birthdays, some1 (usually Art, to be completely honest w u) will cook tht person their favourite comfort food fr dinner n they all help make cake/cupcakes/cookies/something dessert-related of their choice. so like Art rly likes brownies, Adam is fond of strawberry jello poke cake, n Eric can make some RLY good carrot cake cupcakes w homemade frosting too. it's just smth fr them to do together + like! it's celebrating! they've all been thru so much hell but they're still here! n that's rly th focus for the three of them. sometimes they have ppl over too - like Rigg, Gibson, Brit, Mallick, Lawrence, William (all of them best-case, obv); it's nice 2 have a lil party sometimes! after what they've endured they've kind of earned it I think!

thank u sm!!! this was so fun 2 think abt fjdkjsk

(lil random hc: when Daniel was little, Eric used 2 write letters to him frm Santa. eventually Daniel got "too old for that," but honestly? they cherish tht memory. I wanted 2 include it bc it makes me kjehfje!!!)

[natlovesu]

Good Morning My Love

“sweet creature, sweet creature, wherever i go, you bring me home.”

song inspo: Sweet Creature - Harry Styles (you could probably tell by now im a 1D and harry stan lol)

summary: Neil and Reader being cute idk

warnings: absolutely none literally all fluff

pronouns: she/her, first person POV

-not my gif- (how perfect can this man get?!?! it’s exhausting how much i love him)

Mornings with Neil are the best thing in the world. Like a little piece of heaven on earth. He always wakes up a little bit before me but always lets me sleep. He’s usually sitting up in bed reading something and drinking a cup of tea. This morning was no different. I opened my eyes and shifted to look at him. There he was, sitting there with his hair disheveled reading in the morning sunlight shining in through the large window in our master bedroom. There was a pure little smile on his face as he combed through the pages of the book he’s read about a thousand times. It took him a couple minutes to realise that I had woken up.

“Good morning my love” he said in a soft, loving voice as he put a stray piece of hair behind my ear. “How long have you been awake?” His sweet expression turned into a curious and slightly sorry one awaiting my reply

“Not long. Besides, i love how peaceful you look in the mornings” I said shifting my position so my head was in his lap as he draped his arm over my back to resume flipping through the novel.

We sat like this for what had to be an hour before I felt his stomach grumble from behind my head. With a giggle I sat up and started off to the kitchen but not without a longing groan from Neil

“Don’t be so dramatic” I joked, imitating his accent badly

“Was that supposed to be my accent or have you had a stroke?” Neil chuckled and reluctantly got out of bed to join me in the kitchen. “I’ll dial 9-1 just in case!” He said through laughs

We worked in silence and perfect synchronization as I made smoothies and he made his famous pancakes. Neil’s title of “King of Pancakes” is hilarious because to be frank, they’re just okay. He’d earned this title the morning before a big field mission that all of us at Tenet had been nervous about. Neil saw that none of us had even looked at our food and being the leader that he is, decided to cook something up himself to raise morale. He’s had the nickname ever since and insisted on making those same pancakes whenever he gets the chance.

We finished cooking and sat down to eat at the dining table. The two of us ate in comfortable silence as I was scrolling through the hundreds of pictures my mother had sent me of the garden she’d planted and Neil was reading the morning paper. The sound of the city was the only sound until Neil had a sudden thought

“It’s a beautiful day for a walk, don’t you think?” He turned to me smiling

“That sounds perfect.”

•••

It didn’t take the two of us long to get ready for the day. Neil chose a forest green quarter-zip with elbow patches and some jeans. I had chosen a pretty sage green slip dress to match him with a white cardigan and white sneakers and my hair pulled up in an updo.

“You look like an English teacher” i teased him when i stepped out of the bathroom

“The young kind that all the girls had a crush on or the old kind that hates technology?” He questioned as he wrapped his arms around my waist smiling into my lips as he kissed me sweetly

“Definitely the latter” I giggled at his fake-hurt expression as I wrapped him in a hug, burying my face into his chest and inhaling his woody-citrus scent.

•••

The two of us found ourselves at our favourite local park, hand in hand as we talked about anything and everything that came to mind. Days like these with him made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

“You’re everything.” He said, interrupting my thoughts, “you’re absolutely everything” he repeated as he stopped and turned to me.

“Yeah?” I smiled

“Yeah.” He said before promptly dropping down on one knee. “And that's why I want to spend every moment of forever with you. I was planning on doing this,” he gestured to him on one knee, “in a fancy restaurant or on an expensive vacation, but I don’t think there could ever be a better time than right now, today”

“Will you marry me?” He said and looked into my eyes with all the love and adoration he possessed

“Yes! Yes of course!” I squealed as he swept me into a passionate kiss before pulling away suddenly

“I don’t even have a ring yet!” He gasped and put a hand to his mouth, an incredibly apologetic look in his eyes “oh bloody hell, i feel like a meathead!”

“Minor oversight, darling. I’d marry you with paper rings.” I said, quoting the song cheesily as I pulled him into a long, loving kiss

end

a/n: I’ve had a really bad day and needed some fluffyness so heres this ;). Lil cheesy lil cringe but i like it, its comforting. Hope you guys like it too!!

also, i didnt mean for it to turn into an engagement one-shot but it seemed fitting so it just happened ig lol

[sagittariusboyfriend]

im gonna do a "how i see the signs" as well!!

traditionally masculine aries: a force of creativity. oftentimes politically correct. very friendly and easy to talk to, but will shift in temper and energy depending on whether or not he is in focus. musically inclined.

traditionally feminine aries: also a force of creativity. a kind of jittery energy that cant really be contained. might go up and down in volume a lot depending on social context but is always bursting to have a conversation. very awake and with fire in her eyes. openminded and wouldnt hurt a fly. artistically inclined.

trad. masc taurus: ugh horrible. forcefully straight forward, blunt in an unsensitive way, not that good at picking up on social cues because he is convinced of his reality. might be pompous and pretentious, even bitter. the flip side of venusian traits - pretty uncharming. snarky. way better at group/professional relationships than personal relationships. assertive in the workplace and is doing his job better than anyone else could.

trad. fem taurus: intelligent and an intellectual. sensual, assertive, has such a presence that people are in awe most of the time. might be pretentious but its actually genuine and doesnt come off as a negative trait. powerful.

trad. masc gemini: ahh gemini. witty, quick, reactive. genuine, but in short bursts. his intuition is based upon HOW he feels at any given moment, however he has no clue WHAT he feels. scared of emotions. might have a tendency to gaslight. obviously prone to communication and loves learning from history, but has a hard time seeing the bigger picture over the details. small things make or break him... for a week or so. then its forgotten, until something stirs it up 6 months later, and his emotions are all over the place; its like they get tossed up in the air and love might stick to the ceiling and pride to the wall and fear to that person over there and he has no idea where to start to assemble. charmingly childish, prone to grumpyness. social artisan regardless of controversial values or not. needs constant intellectual stimuli.

trad. fem gemini: does not need romantic relationships to feel like a complete person! prefers friendships over love relationships, and can usually pick and choose between lovers if on a romantic whim. not always even interested in shacking up with anyone, makes a happy independent single household. that "fun" friend. self-confident, quick, witty, might have a sharp tongue. absolutely excels in social situations and knows everyone in one way or another, and everyone knows of her in one way or another. prone to ghosting people for weeks because she simply forgets to respond. loses focus easily. probably works in sales. might come across as not so complex to other people.

trad. masc cancer: sweet, charming in a wholesome way. in tune with himself. intuitive and embraces and encourages talking about feelings. oftentimes very politically correct. might live somewhat of a fake life in the sense that he IS a family man, but cant help himself from wanting dirty, promiscuous sex for many hours with many random people. giving and generous - in every sense. probably does a lot of philantrophy or volonteers.

trad. fem cancer: reserved. exudes feminine energy, almost to a point that she is not comfortable with herself. very very sweet, just wants everyone to be okay. will disappear and reappear in social circles and no one will know where she has been, but theres an air of mystery to it and no one dares to ask. might be some kind of red preistess lol.

trad. masc leo: loyal, as long as he doesnt feel in the slightest that he has been made a fool of. very strong integrity, but an integrity that is based on image. easily approached, the nicest person in the room and will include and respect everyone. generous and genuinely loves anyone who does not come off as harmful, and will give you his last money if he feels you need it more. works hard to feel safe. creative in what he thinks is a funky way, but its actually pretty mainstream.

trad. fem leo: also honest, hard-working and loyal. integrity is also important. creative in traditionally artistic ways, like photography or drawing. has a natural authority but is the sweetest person and will NOT abuse it. very passionate about peoples equal value, doesnt really have a flare for drama at all, just wants to be stimulated. when she loves she loves with every fiber of her being and being affirmed by her partner is imperative to self-worth.

trad. masc virgo: retains information like a motherfucker! man, what a chattery bloke. an earth sign ruled by mercury makes the most, i think, well-rounded PR personality. gemini can frick off when it comes to arguments because trad. masc virgo WILL shut you down. he serves facts and will probably be a tad manipulative about it, but will also admit to it. doesnt really wait to run you over or quip back, and then just stares at you blankly as if he is waiting for a response. witty and warm like a sun to his closest, will make jabs and is cold like granite to people he doesnt like. might however have some ego issues.

trad. fem virgo: pretty much exactly like trad. masc virgo, only retains a certain jovial energy and a strong sense of nurturing and dicipline. very funny! authoritarian.

trad. masc libra: might come across as very calm and even meek at times. everyone likes him, no one dislikes him, but he isnt a big personality. nice and sweet and always positive. comfortable in the background as the glue that keeps groups together. not very verbally communicative, but ingenious when he channels his communication through music or art. wants to be appreciated and very much is. pretty private, but everyones friend.

trad. fem libra: full of the good venusian traits. loves love, loves good food, loves yoga, loves pampering herself and others. the best hostess you have ever met. has a hard time deciding on things and will make herself suffer through qualms and trials for days for something that, for anyone else, could have been decided within a couple of minutes. somewhat of a perfectionist. spiritual. gets along with everyone. very into female impowerment.

trad. masc scorpio: kind of rude, but smart. he doesnt know where it comes from, but his subconscious intuition oftentimes leads him to hidden truths, whether they are pleasant or not. might be the jealous type. can just trust his gut and will know exactly what is going on behind closed doors. intelligent in a very abstract way. might come across as always ready to strike just in case someone thinks they are better than him in any way.

trad. fem scorpio: does not show emotion easily. is very intelligent and knows how to lead a conversation where she wants it. inquisitive, literally opens her entire mind for you when you sit down one-on-one. not for anyone to enter, but for her to use ON you, and will analyze your behaviors to the core and dig around in there. make you see things from perspectives youve never even thought about. this could be used for bad, but usually its used for your own good because insight and truth, darkness into light is what she is after. intense. low key passionate. a great person to brainstorm with. excudes sultryness, but almost like a perfume, an illusion, mostly because people become so mesmerized with her psychological skill that they immediately figure she is coming on to them. powerful socially. doesnt want nor need drama, the quest for truth just gets ruthless sometimes. loyal if you dont mess with her integrity. unlike leo, her integrity is based on conscious and subconscious intuition. not into practical things in general. does not care for high morals.

trad. masc sagittarius: good at everything on the first try but gets bored easily, even depressed when forced into routine. diplomacy is important, so is personal freedom. a charismatic positive personality that shines bright and has an almost gravitational pull because of it. wants to be valued for his brain and generosity of free, non-traditional love and insight. learning is everything. the bigger picture is everything; abstract concepts that you can translate and cross-reference to different doctrines and schools and philosophies. on an eternal quest for knowledge in all situations, be it emotional or practical. "why do things work like this?" he asks and is genuinely excited to hear your and everyone elses reasoning. his goal in life is to get to know himself through others and to find firey partners to come along for the ride and share the fun. loathes drama, wants everyone to be accepting. optimistic. might be the guy many fall in love with but who is completely oblivious to it because he has his mind set on other things.

trad. fem sagittarius: very much like trad. masc sagittarius. also fierce, takes no shit, the life of the party, everyones instant friend and a BIG personality. equality is very important!

trad. masc capricorn: attractive, cold, sexual. on the grind, because everything works against him either way so he might as well work hard and overcome. dry humor and a smug smile, vicious eyes. but tender and fragile once you get to know him. so used to being the underdog in his own head that he hasnt realized everyone sees him as the leader. doesnt realize people follow him. doesnt care. is just and stern. is not afraid of delivering harsh truths, can shut you down with a look.

trad. fem capricorn: leads with silence. not because of shyness at all, its just a demeanor that comes naturally. although may have been shy when young, simply because of society. exudes power, unknowingly or knowlingly. intimidating and stylish as fuck. eloquent. uniformity is a keyword for everything. has learnt the hard way. hilarious dark humor. prefers respect to spectacle. is a force to be reckoned with and gains pretty much everyones respect.

trad. masc aquarius: might have a hard time deciding about personal freedom, what is and what isnt. contemplative, insightful, the least traditional of traditional men. high EQ, might prefer polyamorous relationships, almost lacks jealousy. tall and slender. very much capable of seeing through all points of view and will speak rationally. rarely gets heated in discussion because he just doesnt see the point in being reactive.

trad. fem aquarius: a higher being. high octave intuition; the person with the highest EQ youve ever met in your life. new insights with every breath. does NOT care for tradition, usually only indulges in the bare minimum of tradition to move about unnoticed in society as the penultimate alien being they are. she has an entirely different kind of mind that seems so complex and effortless at the same time, and her knowledge and ingenuity could change the world - if it was only ready for it. finds solutions to everything. altruistic. optimistic. so wise and so rebelliously young at the same time. manages to care for everyone and everything all the time. truly wondrous.

trad. masc pisces: an academic. a sensitive guy. highly philosophical, in its scholastic form. makes a good teacher of abstract concepts. always searching within himself first before speaking. interested in history and the human mind. constantly battles with feelings of not being good enough but always comes out as more and better than expected. probably very introvert.

trad. fem pisces: witchy. dreamy. some kind of seer. needs quite some time to process emotional impacts. has a tendency to mimick peoples traits and quirks without knowing it. very emotional, highly sensitive. very impressionable. open to and thirsty for new ways to make sense of all these emotional impacts, but might change ideologies and/or trim her sails to the current wind. conflicting subconscious emotional forces at play all the time which leads to a lot of self-doubt. not necessarily introvert, but introspective.

[thisartofeveryday]

For those of you who thought I should make my life story into a book…here is the outline. For the sake of clarity as you are reading, let me explain who the characters are. The kids from my Dads first marriage: Jim1, Patty, Seana. The kids from my Mom’s (Mary Ellen) first marriage: Mary Jane and Jim2. My brother that I am a full sibling to is Charles (chuck).

I think you might know that 95% of our lives are lived from the unconscious mind. From birth to age 7 a childs mind is in Theta wave (hypnosis) and everything that they learn in those years (mainly through observation and repetition) is the program that their minds run for their entire lives. Knowing this – I look back on the first 7 years of my life.

I think we moved 7 times in those 7 years. I am certain it was because of Dads extreme anger management problems and the fact that he is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. Zero stability or chance to make lasting friendships. My dad was sexually abusing me and unpredictably violent. I was terrified of him. I was being terrorized/bullied by my brother, Chuck, who was every bit the sociopath that my dad is. My mom was overwhelmed by the number of children she was responsible for - none of which she actually wanted- and add to that, her husband was sexualizing all of the kids, so really being the last of her kids I was the last of her problems. Being the youngest (and as traumatized as I was), I was quiet and easy to forget about or push to the side. The older kids were the ones in the spotlight and where all the attention went. They were enrolled in activities and they were more the same age, so they were a unit. I was just an observer of them. I felt so left out and forgotten. Always.

I was a mistake and a burden (dads exact words to me on my 11th birthday). Mom made sure I knew that she thought I was mentally retarded- she would joke about it all the time. (I guess she never made peace with her sister being autistic) She also loved humiliating me even when I made it clear she was hurting me. Remember her sausage fingers joke or how many years I got called Boomer? I absolutely hated both of those things, made it clear, and yet she refused to give up the name calling and humiliation. There was very little respect for my personal boundaries. Dad would assault me in the middle of the night and I would wet the bed out of fear- then he would make me sleep in it to teach me a lesson. Mom would do nothing to help me, though she was awake in the middle of the night when I would work up the courage to go into their room to ask for help. She let him treat me like that. Goddamn…I remember the night terrors and being scared to be in my room at night because the scary man was sitting in the rocking chair, in the dark, next to my bed.

I have a memory of being in the garage in our house in South Windsor. I was playing with our basset hound, General…I was crawling around on the floor and the dog mounted me and was dry humping me. Dad got this sick laugh and let it happen. Mom walked in and got mad at him, but did nothing to help me. My personal boundaries were nonexistent. Nobody was protecting me from him. I remember him eating the food off my plate at dinner…or kissing me on the ear or touching me when I would tell him I hated it and to stop. I remember the baths dad would have me take with him and how he taught me to touch and work his dick. I remember the photos he would take of me after the bath. I remember being 7 years old and trying to lay on his bed and be sexy enough for him. I remember kissing mom passionately the way that dad taught me to and mom getting upset and asking me where I learned that. I remember having a baby doll that I drew all over, angrily, with lipstick. I remember being scared because my ass was bleeding and I told mom while her brother and sisters were visiting and she shushed me and scurried me away. I remember him also beating the shit out of me…sometimes for no reason. I remember being deeply attracted to and absolutely terrified of him. I was 7.  These are the only memories I have of my dad. I don’t remember him being there for me, or interested in me as a person, or engaged in anyway. I just remember him being what I now know is a predator.

7 to 13: I remember some stability in Connecticut because we stayed there for three years… but I also remember having moments of being deeply depressed and hiding in the basement of the house writing notes that I hoped someone would find, asking for help to get me out of there. When I look back, those were my first experiences with disassociation from stress and waves of major depression. While I was being assaulted during those years, those years were all about Mary Jane, Seana, and Jim2. These three had each other. These three were a team. I was just an observer to your lives. I had no voice, no opinion, no importance, never truly included and absolutely my feelings went unheard and did not matter. We can say it was the age difference, sure, that’s part of it…but that’s also just an excuse. Things could have been done to validate my importance too.  I had Charles bullying me….I had my Dad assaulting me. I was so alone.

My internal voice wants to shout: Why did nobody see this? Why did nobody help me? Where were my siblings? I guess everyone was doing the best they could…

Literally anyone looking in knowing the truth could have easily assessed that this was a horribly destructive environment for any child to grow up in. I know dad was doing this to all the kids. I wasn’t the only one. It is absolutely stunning to me that through the years of my life I have consistently been blamed by my Mary Ellen (narcissist/borderline personality disorder) and the people who chose to listen to her twisted opinions that there was something wrong WITH ME.  I mean, logically the mental health issues I have faced my entire life are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to a situation that was deeply flawed. But somehow the blame has always fallen on me.

The very first thing I think when I think of my mom is her asking me “Whats wrong with you Melissa”. Ive lost count of how many times she has asked me that very question.

I now know that its just deflection. Queen Narcissist cant take responsibility for her actions so she puts it on the person who she always denied a voice. That’s nice. Very loving and motherly. Doesn’t fix the 40 some odd years of my life that I believed her and wanted to die.

Right around age 9 or 10, we move again. I remember it being a big scandal – I think the truth came about that my dad is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. (By the way, that’s in my DNA. I get to live my life connected to that. I look just like my dad. I think like a Painter. It’s fucking unsettling.)  I remember all the pressure to say nothing about the move and to constantly behave as though we were the perfect family and nothing was wrong. So incredibly demented.

I remember a HUGE fight about Seana and Jim2 staying behind in Connecticut. (by the way: I also remember Jim1 leaving for the Marines and wondering where my brother went and why he never talked to me. At one point he came back to visit and gave me a beautiful geisha doll in a glass box that mom destroyed in a fit of anger at me…she intentionally violently knocked it off the top of my dresser in one of her vindictive off the handle rages…Im sure at 8 years old I totally did something to deserve it, right.)

And, of course I remember the night Seana was killed. (why did the man that killed her not serve jail time? Why are bad people never held accountable?) Dad wasn’t there. Again, Dad wasn’t there. As I recall he was having an affair with some woman in Arizona? Mom was already distraught to be back in Michigan. That night, I remember being awake before the call came in…watching the clock radio in my bed… it had a short in the wire that would spark. I was listening to the Beatles: My guitar gently weeps…. To this day, I hate the Beatles.The phone rang. Mom screamed to you “Mary Jane, OMG, Seana is Dead”. I didn’t understand what happened. I just knew we were packing up like we did so many times before to take yet another long drive across country. It felt to me like another move. I didn’t understand death or that my sister was gone forever. I didn’t get it.  

(an aside: I struggled in school. When I was in Beginning Algebra One for some reason that class would make me check out and I would always soul travel to the night Seana was killed and it felt like it was happening to me. I took that class 4 times including summer school before I passed.)

(later, when I was maybe 13, my dog got hit by a car in the street and now I knew what death was so I freaked out like Mom did when Seana died and I remember Mom shaming me: You cried more over than damn dog than you did at your sisters funeral. Very nice. Very motherly. Very supportive and kind of her.)

At Seanas funeral, I remember not knowing what was expected of me. I was just so focused on getting it right and who I was supposed to kiss (because that sexualized stuff was already so ingrained).

There were so many goddamn rules for behavior, (rich white republican ex-military country club going family that we were) and I remember getting it wrong and being scowled at all the time. Mom was always angry and stressed out. We had to BE someone and over and over again: “Don’t forget the family name” and how important our clan was (hilarious that she kept the Sterling last name because her current husband is too ethnic and this sounds classier to her than her own actual last name)….

Meanwhile, My developing sense of self was being assaulted and neglected/ignored out of me and I felt wrong all the time for every single action I took.

I think we moved back to North Carolina briefly and then to Florida? Whatever the case….

Then we move again. Again. Again. Now we are in Florida. Im 10. My parents are getting divorced. Mom is deeply goddamn depressed. My family is falling apart. I don’t know where my brothers and sister are. Everything is exploding. Im powerless and hostage to all this. I cannot underline the importance of that sense of being hostage to a situation that I was powerless to escape and having my feelings and my personhood completely ignored and erased. It consumed me. I wanted to die. I am, as always, the least of moms concerns.

In Florida I was so incredibly dissociative. I was experiencing C-PTSD. I remember feeling numb all over. Having no ability to react to this little girl that fell off her bike in front of me….I just stared at her…the adults nearby yelled at me for doing nothing. I went further into my head. I was so checked out. People just thought I was quiet or shy or retarded. I was deeply traumatized and needed help.

I remember Mary Jane and I sitting on the bed watching this music video by The Cars. In the video there is a woman who is laughing and crying. I remember asking MJ what she was doing because I do that too and I think she told me she was having a mental break down.  

I remember getting a Walkman and listening to the Police nonstop. That was my only retreat from how much I hurt. WHY DID NOBODY SEE THIS AND HELP ME?

I remember during that time that I was given another baby doll. I remember MJ and mom watching me play with it to see what I would do. I felt scared of them both and the creepy way they were lurking to watch me. I felt ganged up on. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was so alone. I wanted to die.

In Florida, I remember my birthday and dad cocking his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face…he did that sick laugh and told me he wished I was never born and that I was a mistake. (later when I told this to Patty she explained he punched her in the face on her 11th birthday. Im related to all that. That’s in my dna.)

My body was changing. I was getting my period. I felt crazy. I was in that HUGE school in Jacksonville and I had no friends and I was so scared. Everything was terrifying….and Dad was getting more unhinged thus Mom has Jim and Lynn move in to protect her and had you come back… and then I remember walking in to the living room in the middle of a sunny afternoon and mom on the pull out sofa, trying to make dad jealous, was fucking the guy who was there to buy the house  that we had just moved in to because we were MOVING AGAIN….

Not to mention, I remember MJ and I quickly taking Dads gun to the beach to bury it so he because he wanted to kill us all.

Im not even 13 yet….. Are you exhausted?

Any one of these things would make a fully functioning stable adult fold like a house of cards. “Whats wrong with you Melissa?”…. It took something like 20 years of therapy but now I have some clues to answer that question. Here are some more clues:

We finally make it to Boone. Mom followed her best friend, Mary Jane. After all that… that incredible pressure cooker of my pre teen childhood we arrive in bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina….and everyone is gone except the sociopath brother. The house is basically empty. Everyone abandoned ship. Where did my brothers and sisters go? I remember coming home after school and there would be nobody home. For my entire life I had come home to my family but now there was no one. I would sit on the couch and watch the clock with growing anxiety and cry until mom came home from work. It was beyond torturous. And then she would be pissed off that I needed her because she just got home from work. At this point Mom is just angry and exhausted all the time. She had to get a job outside the home for the first time in her life which she hated, she was sick of being a mom…she wanted it all to be over so she could have HER life. Charles was getting more and more abusive- physically and mentally and had to be sent away for our protection.

And then she starts dating Don Bailey. I think the sex must have been amazing because the guy was an utter low life. He was living off of her/my child support money… and beating the shit out of her. Their fights were never goddamn ending. I would hide in my room after school and not come out. I was so alone. I had no friends and no escape. Mom was friends with Mary Jane, not with me. Mom wanted nothing to do with me. One day we were driving home and I was so attached to her. I needed my mom so goddamn bad… I was struggling to make friends at yet another new school and the PTSD made me feel so distant from everyone but I had no words for what was wrong with me I just thought I was terrible at making friends (I remember this: pathetically I checked out a book at the library: How to be your own best friend)… She pulled the car over and told me “we cant be friends.” Mom has some glorified memory of us driving around looking for our favorite tree in Autumn… the only thing I remember is that conversation…her rejecting me when I needed her the most… after we moved to the town my sister lived in so she could be close to her.

Again, still no help with the major depression, the CPTSD… just a lot of blame “why cant you be happy Melissa…whats wrong with you?” and I cant be clear enough about this: all her spare time at home was spent on Don, not me. I didn’t have clubs and groups and activities that she as sure to enroll me in. I didn’t have my brothers and sisters there with me. It was just me, after all that, trying to figure it out.

I was a burden to her. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me and be done. I felt it always.

An aside: When she was unsure if she wanted to stay in Boone, I remember her asking Charles if we should stay or go back to Florida…after he chimed in with his answer, I gave my opinion which she angrily scoffed at me and told me it didn’t matter what I thought, Id go where they tell me to go.   My voice didn’t matter, I was a burden to her. I had no value as a person. I was powerless. So there I was in my bedroom that was the walkway between the living room and her room… at the mercy of whatever happened with no privacy or power over my life….. whats new.

Another aside: During that time we had gotten a dog that was a total pain in the ass for her to take care of. She gave it away while I was at school. I came home and the dog was gone and I was tearful thinking it ran away. She gave my dog away without telling me.

Then we moved out to Valley Crusis (9 miles outside of town…so isolated. I was so alone. The isolation was killing me. Where were my siblings. I needed help. I needed someone who was just there for me.) and Dons abusive behavior got even more extreme. I remember him picking me up from a concert that I was at….because he had sent Mom to the hospital with a sprained wrist and a busted lip. He was laughing about it when he told me to get in the car. Another time I remember Don looming in my bedroom door when Mom was at work and it was just us in the house… telling me: “Go ahead and call the police, nobody will believe you anyway.” I remember the woman who lived up the hill from us, with the curly hair…I think her name was Susan… coming down to the house while Mom and Don were gone and telling me If it ever gets too bad, you can always run up here. The neighbors knew I needed help. Where were my brothers and sisters? Where was my Mom? FUCK.

I remember Mom having many off the handle rages at me because I looked like a boy and my hair was crazy and I was so fucked up. I remember one morning after she had raged at me so hard that I was in stunned silence… we were sitting at breakfast at St Sinners and MJ kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong, I was clearly checked out and fucked up. I needed my sister. I had no voice or ability to speak up. I was scared of her husband, Glenn. Nobody helped me. Mom was the star of the brunch party!

I remember getting my first job at 15 and working at St Sinners…. Then, when mom bought the restaurant I stopped getting paid. She cut me off from my paycheck and told me it was my “duty to the family”… but she had Jim2 and his first wife Lynn there working and they were getting paid…and also stealing her money to fuel their coke habits. She didn’t value me, or my efforts but her golden son Jim can do no wrong even when he is fucking her out of her business.

I remember Jim2 offering me coke at a house party and John Golden and another friend getting me out of there away from my own brother. I remember Lynn being LIVID that I would stop by their house when I was lonely and wanted my family but instead I got shamed for thinking I could stop by and see them…and mom would tell me that “they had BUSY LIVES and I should leave them alone.”

I remember being so fucked up and alone in Boone….I mean, I now know I was just in shock and experiencing major depression. Mom kept asking me Whats wrong with you Melissa…when I was your age I had to choose between boyfriends… etc. Its incredible to me how Mom normalized my childhood abuse and completely erased my feelings or my personhood then blamed me for somehow being a problem child or wrong in whatever way….more incredible: people believed her.  

During those years in Boone I remember her doing things like openly making fun of me when I thought I might be gay, fixing regular hamburgers and telling me they were tofu when I became vegetarian…starting a burn pile in the back yard full of toxic things after I told her how important recycling was to me and laughing at me as I cried…..every chance she had to make me feel awful about being me and disrespected she took.

Once I visited her at her office and she told me I was “too ugly to look at and she didn’t want anyone to know I was her daughter and to never come to her office again.”

Shes right, we were not friends. She was a jealous mean girl, obsessed with appearances and her shitty boyfriend.

Lets not forget when she, with Mary Janes help, stacked my portfolio with MJs lithographies and coached me how to lie to get me in to Governors school for the summer. She wanted me gone and she got her wish. I remember feeling like a fraud that summer. I wasn’t good enough to be there. I had to lie to be included. I remember she didn’t even drive me there. She had Don do it. He harassed me in the car all the way there, 3 hours…. then dropped me…16… off on the curb in front of the college and drove away. All the other kids had parents excitedly helping them get set up in their rooms…excited about their major accomplishment of getting in to Governors school… I was there with my milk crate of shit, a fraud. alone. Acting like a tough girl who didn’t need anyone. I was a pro at that. Mission accomplished, she was rid of me.

I remember how deep my depression was becoming by the time I was 18. That last year of high school I would bang my head against my bedroom wall in an attempt to knock myself out, in hopes that I would get sent away to a treatment center or something. I couldn’t take all the fighting between her and Don. I fucking hated him and he was in my house and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to throw myself down the back stairwell at school. I barely graduated high school my depression was eating me alive.

Amazing that nobody IN MY FAMILY SAW THAT I NEEDED HELP. I was invisible. Mary Ellen cast her proclamation that all was well, she was amazing and I was a problem child and that was that.

I have a million stories about Mom demoralizing me during those years…. Whats weird is that I have no memory of my Mary Jane there. I think she was so involved with Glenn and way up the mountain, I had no way to reach her. And I was scared of her husband Glenn. And, we were never close. And, she was Team Mary Ellen…. So I was just alone and wanted to die. Sincerely. Goddamn. Let it end.

I remember Don telling me that Mom was using my child support payment to make her car payment. So I asked her about where my child support was going and she told me she used it for my Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance…. So I called the insurance company to see if I had coverage…. They had no record of me. She was, again, a liar….

When I graduated high school she couldn’t get me out of the house fast enough. She pawned me off on my boyfriend Gebeaux and expected him to simply take care of me. We broke up. He didn’t sign up for that. I was basically kicked out of the house in valley crusis. I wasn’t prepared for life on my own. I wasn’t ready. She just wanted to be done being a mom so Hey..I came back to the house one day and all my stuff was packed and that was that. I had to figure it out. Fuck me.  

At one point during that time I was living in a trailer with my friend Stacy. Mom was horrified about this. I was getting food stamps and she was so ashamed of me for being so low class. She came to the trailer and was completely off the handle. She said there was “no air” in there and grabbed a 2x4 and smashed out all the windows. Mind you from her perspective it was just another example of what a loser I am, living in a trailer on food stamps how did I end up such a piece of shit when she is such a wonderful mother… it must be because there is something inherently wrong about me.

She has seen me as trash who is incapable of being anything great my entire life.

Somewhere in there she stopped dating Don and started dating lawyer Rand Sterling…who broke her ribs multiple times and literally pushed her out of a moving car and then she walked 5 miles back to his house to be with him.  That relationship took her to Texas. She followed the money. The insanity of that relationship is all I heard about from her. She needed Jim2 to come protect her from her husband multiple times. I absorbed all of this through her very rare but insane emails to me. She has always used me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground.

I had my first total mental break right around 19 years old. I was fetal position on the floor at my girlfriends house… Jenn… I couldn’t stop crying for multiple days and I felt my mind split in two. I literally went into a black hole and was begging for death. Jenn and the next door neighbor scooped me up off the floor and drove me to the Watauga County Mental Health and got me some help… but at this point I was having a total mental collapse… the part of me that was traumatized was a child denied her voice or any recognition of her Self, so I had no way to articulate what was wrong and Mom had denied and normalized the abuse and denied me voice and my personhood for so long that I had ZERO chance of articulating what was wrong… it was buried so deep inside of me and I was so scared to trust anyone…. I was experiencing schizophrenia and Major depression.

Jenn helped me with my depression. Jenn made sure I was housed and fed. Jenn took care of me. I owe her my life.

I mean, that is an extreme mental health episode. Where was my family? How could none of the people who were supposed to love me the most see any of this? Why did none of them help me? Why did all of them think I was to blame? (my guess: Team Mary Ellen)  

Somewhere in that year my friends were moving to Chapel Hill so I packed up the car that my child support paid for and I went down the mountain. She threatened to call the police on me for stealing the car.  She told me I needed discipline and needed to go into the Army. She just didn’t know what to do with me…such a problem child. If I remember correctly, you echoed her sentiments. Everyone was always so angry at me for being so wrong and so bad. None of my family (meaning MJ and mom because my brothers had long bailed on me and my extended family has never made a single attempt to reach out to me or know me at all.)  were my friend, or loving, kind or compassionate.

I got away….I went to Chapel Hill and lived with my best friends Kerry, Lesley, Julie, and two other guys in Kerry’s Moms rental house. I was working at the Columbia Street Bakery and dating this boy, Richard…. Who happened to be a really abusive drug dealer… who held me down one night and violently orally raped me and when I called mom for help she told me with the exasperation of a mother who had supposedly tried so hard to do the right thing and raise her child with love and support but that child was just tragic and terminally fucked :

“I don’t know whats wrong with you Melissa, I guess you just like the bad boys.”  

Again, no self reflection on her behalf…she did nothing to help me.

I didn’t know how to get away from Richard who was playing mind fuck with me and I was getting high with him (LSD) …which was basically, me being drugged and him using me for sex but not being loving or kind in any way (felt like home)  Eventually, Richard got busted for selling a page of lsd to an undercover cop and threatened to kill me because he thought it was my fault… so I had to get out of there and I went to New York to chill out and work for the summer at the Omega Institute of Holistic Learning… to just be around hippies and eat good food. I hung out with Baba Ram Dass and Ben & Jerry…and took a class on the whirling dervish… These moments when I wasn’t in the pressure cooker of my life were both brilliant because I needed healing but also the worst because all this trauma would start to surface and I didn’t know what it was or how to speak about it. I would start to shatter again.

I believed it was my fault and there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was so lost. I needed help. I needed a parent or loving compassionate family or someone trusted to guide me through that time in my life. I had no one but my friends from North Carolina who were just as fucked up as me. I needed help. I needed help. Oh my god, I needed help.

Omega ended…I had no money to get out of there, nobody to turn to for help, no clue what to do next, I certainly couldn’t go back to Mom who hated me and was living with Rand so fuck that… I had no idea where my brothers and sisters were and no relationship with them so that wasn’t on my mind as an option…..so I caught whatever ride I could get and ended up in Boulder. One of my friends from Omega hooked me up with her cousin for a month and I tried to make it work… it was basically winter in Colorado at this point and I was out there door canvassing for Green Peace making no money and freezing to death. Just walking door to door for Greenpeace… looking in on other families and their loving lives together. I was so fucking sad. I was hungry and scared and completely out of options. I had to get out of there.

I called Mom for help. She said: “You got yourself into this, get yourself out”…. And hung up on me. The bitch hung up on me. I was stranded and so scared and I needed my mom. She hung up on me. She blamed me. She wanted to punish me for being such a problem. She was done being a mom. She hung up.

I remember having gone to the Planned Parenthood to get some medical help because I was sick. I explained my situation and the nurse looked at me incredulously and said “where are you parents?” I explained to her that Mom hung up on me.  I was devastated, living in a constant state of shock. Scared out of my sense of self or ability to connect to the present moment.

I was a fractured soul in every possible meaning.

My month at my friends place was over and I had to find an apartment or live on the streets. It took me another month of begging whatever guy I could find to give me a place to stay and then I contacted the boy I was dating at Omega, Scott, and asked him for money to get a bus back to North Carolina. He helped me. Bless him. He got me out of there.

I got on the Greyhound and ended up going to Idaho to visit with my friend Stacy (who I lived in the trailer with) and stay with her for a couple weeks to get grounded and feel safe with a friend for a minute. My mental break was coming back full force. I was inconsolable.  I remember laying on her bed fully having an out of body experience from the stress and being so disoriented. She is so patient and kind. She took care of me. When my time with Stacy was up, the next layer of insanity: I got on the Greyhound and took a 5 day no sleep, no food journey across country. I got chased down, carrying all my bags of things and looking like a little hippie… on a layover, by a group of drunk men in Wyoming…they almost got me but I found a laundromat that was open and full of people so I ran inside and hid until my bus was leaving again. I was terrified. By the time I made it back to Lesley and Kerrys house in Chapel Hill it was New Year night…I got some hours back at the Columbia Street bakery I was working at and got some money rolling in.

I want to mention that Poverty, which I have lived most my life in, is no joke and more damaging than anyone outside of the experience can understand. It is cyclical, like bi polar…. Living paycheck to paycheck or however you get just enough to maybe hold on for a moment longer but never knowing if more will be coming is a terror. Always feeling like the bottom is going to drop out…and never knowing when youre going to eat…and what that does to your hormones and your mental health…. Poverty is proven to damage people on a cellular level and have lasting effects that lead to chronic illness.

After making it back to NC, few weeks later the boy from Omega came to Chapel Hill and told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to move to Boston with him. So we took a little road trip and eventually ended up in Boston. As a surprise to no one sane, that was not a lasting relationship. So after a year of misery in Boston, (more poverty, more loneliness, more no family) Scott drove me back to Chapel Hill and that’s when the girls and I all moved up to Asheville. All the while, checking in with Mom who was yelling and shaming me for being such a fuck up.

I can’t underline enough: I was disassociating the entire time. I was having episodes of schizophrenia. I was experiencing major depression and bi polar disorder. The stress of my entire life was more than I could handle and I had no support and no compassion and nobody validating my experience or me as a person. People just thought that was who I was. I was just fucked in every way possible and believed she was right and all that was normal and I was a terrible piece of shit. She had everyone believing that.  

Mary Jane believed her. She echoed her sentiments to me. Go Team Mary Ellen.

I moved up to Asheville and got somewhat stabilized. I was again living with my friends and I got a decent job at the Laughing Seed Cafe. I met Mark and I had decided to go to college because I thought that would make Mom happy and I needed to DO something with myself.  

Mark and I were together maybe 8 weeks before we moved across country and started a life together. Eight weeks.

I was so adept at being a high functioning  dissociative major depressive and I had no way to articulate what was wrong with me (all that stuff that had been normalized and ignored…all the ways my feelings and personhood was erased)… I just knew something evil bad was in me and it took me out from time to time. I thought it was my fault and I was ashamed of myself.  I was living in a constant state of shock. CPTSD.

So, I get myself into college and thanks to Mark and his truck we move across country.

When I hear my friends now talking about saving money for their kids college and really setting them up for success by helping them choose a school and get settled in or making sure they don’t have to work so they can focus on their studies and have a healthy social life with friends and do activities Im so confused. I didn’t know parents and families helped their kids with such things. I didn’t understand that in other families they help, protect and support. I made it through without any of these blessings.

Mark and I get a shitty apartment (the ceiling caved in out of rot and the place was full of roaches. The property managers stole my drum set and we would catch them on the roof at night peeping through the skylight to watch us), I get a full time job managing a restaurant…in addition to schooling full time...Im overwhelmed by the workload, scared to be across country, freaked out by college and the expectations… it was too much. I was away from the source of my abuse and things started to surface… I NEEDED HELP.

I needed my family except, honestly, I have none. Additional mindfuck: when I tried to talk to people about this I get the old trope about how everyone has tough relationships in their families and I need to love my mom and work it out with her.SO I KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE WITH MOM BECAUSE I NEEDED HER LOVE SO BAD AND I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS ME. Further, because I was so regressed I just sounded like a petulant child when I tried to talk about the abuse I had no accurate words for so nobody outside the experience really got it or could conceive how bad things really were for me… why would they? My family is extraordinarily fucked up, like nobody I have ever known.

In college, nobody comes to check on me and make sure Im ok. Nobody was calling. Id get rare emails or letters. When I would tell mom how hard it was, mom would mock me and tell me to suck it up when I would reach out to her and “complain” about how things were going for me… See, because its always my fault and Im never measuring up.

An aside: To this day, 40 years later, Jim2 has yet to even send me a single email to check and make sure Im ok or get to know me at all. He has never responded to the multiple emails I have sent him, so I stopped reaching out. I used to cry to mom about it and she would tell me that he “has a busy life” and I had to understand that’s why I wasn’t a priority to him. Personally, I cant imagine anything being more important than making a connection with your little sister, but I guess Im biased and not like him: busy getting high and drunk and being a cool party guy.  

During my college is when he married Lori. I worked over time and got a plane ticket to be at his wedding. I was sick to my stomach at the idea of having to be around my family but I love my brother and I wanted to be there. He ignored me the entire time I was there. I was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that I could afford the ticket and made the effort to be there for him. I showed up for him….He ignored me. I was devastated and felt invisible and so worthless.

Another aside: I was 24 and that very first Christmas on the west coast Mom calls me, driving herself to the ER to get her stomach pumped from a suicide attempt. She was dramatically telling me her goodbye in case she didn’t make it. I was stressed and powerless beyond the telling of it. I cried all the way through that Christmas. Again: Mom always uses me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground. Out of all her children, Im the one with heart and she gets the sympathy she is working me over for.

During my college years, I would ask Mom for help she would mock me “Im sending baby Sava (MJs daughter) a care package…are you a baby? Do you need one too?”

Mean girl jealousy that I went to college and her life was taken from her by her children….

In college I had no friends, just Mark. No time for activities and my mental health was so fragile I had no ability to form friendships. I was barely hanging on. I would be catatonic in my time at home. We had this geometry screensaver on the computer and I would be frozen staring at it for hours while my brain felt like it was going to shatter. I was an absolute wreck and a shell of a person…but I was determined to prove I could graduate college and I wasn’t a fuck up. I wanted Mom to be proud of me.

I guess it should come as no surprise that after 4 years of no time off, working and schooling 80 hours a week, getting zero support emotionally or financially from my family …. that absolutely NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO CELEBRATE ME AT MY GRADUATION.

Nobody came. Nobody celebrated me. Nobody saw the value in me or my hard work.

I remember being on the phone with Jim2 the day of my graduation. I had called him to ask why he wasn’t there for me. I was in tears. He told me that if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, congratulations on your nice life. He thought it was bullshit that I was so upset. He thought I was being a baby. This loser dropped out of college which he had a scholarship for and did nothing with his life but drugs and alcohol and saw no value in me or what I did on my own. He didn’t show up for me.

Me going to college and graduating on time with full credits was a major fucking accomplishment on so many levels.

Not one of my family was there for me and I will never forgive or forget that.

We moved to the same fucking town Mary Jane was in when she was in college and never ONCE did anyone come to check on me and be interested in what I was doing or validate how amazing it was that I was in school and making it happen on my own.  

When I talk about how alone I feel in life, its in my bones.

I had worked over time to get Mom a plane ticket so she would be there for my graduation and she called me a couple days before to tell me pathetically “She couldn’t get the day off work.”  (Lie: I think she has some legal issue and couldn’t leave the state or something like that.)

After she called to bail on my graduation… at 27 years old… I had a heart attack on my walk home. I collapsed in my living room. Mark found me on the floor when he got home from work. She literally broke my heart. I was devastated. I was in shock. I was dissociating. I was so fucked up. I needed help. Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was wrong and neither did I.

Shortly after my graduation, MJ graduated and she drove to see her and was sure to tell me about it. I mean, they are BFFs so, no surprises there. GO TEAM MARY ELLEN, right?  

Whats wrong with you Melissa? My family. My family is whats wrong with me.

During college I was stressed to the point of being catatonic when I wasn’t at work or school. My mental health was tanking in every possible way… but the pressure cooker of school and work kept me hemmed in and my desire to prove that I was someone worth loving (because god knows I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me…No one was simply going to show up for me or simply be there. I had to earn it.)

…. then we moved to Seattle and I had three years at Amazon in that pressure cooker of a job… (10 to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week) working as a Lead running a team of 200 people to keep me too busy to feel my feelings or connect to emerging myself.  

At some point after I graduated and it no longer mattered, I remember MJ came to visit me one time. That was nice of her. Thank you for trying, MJ.

But heres the fun part: Mark. Mark loved me.

Mark is the very first and to this day ONLY person who has been intimately involved in my life who loves and respected me just as I am.

It was Mark loving me that allowed me to start developing a voice and for that very young very traumatized person inside of me to start coming to the surface. Mark was the very best thing that has ever happened to me….and, ironically, it was because he loved me that all that evil finally came to the surface…and was our demise.

All the things dad did to me, all the never ending abuse from mom that sought to vilify and demoralize me… all of the hurt from the abandonment from my brothers and sisters… all that evil came up because he Loved me enough to make me feel safe and supported…I just didn’t know that then and couldn’t see or feel that he was the most tremendous gift this life has ever given me ….

and I started sexually assaulting myself in my sleep (woke up one time with an entire box of tampons inside of me and had to go to the doctor to get them all out). I would throw punches in my sleep. I was having an utter mental breakdown/ breakthrough… and then I started acting out sexually with other men that I met online. I felt like I was being puppet mastered from some evil unknown source. I was manic and acting out sexually. That default programing from my childhood was calling the shots. I didn’t have a sense of self so I was acting from what I knew and what Dad taught me about myself and the self-worth that mom made sure I didn’t have.

I say acting out sexually. What I should say is reenacting the trauma…which there was so very much of. I was on auto pilot and at that time if you asked me if that’s what I wanted to be doing I would have said yes out of programming but the core truth of who I am knew it was not at all right or who I am or what I wanted…that core didn’t have a voice yet.

2001, Amazon had laid us all off. I got hired working at a treatment center for abused youth.  I was major depressive and would be fetal position on the floor and cry for a month at a time but I didn’t know why or what was wrong… I was just deeply goddamn depressed and wanted to die. All the time. Goddamn. Let it end.

Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was happening. He was the perfect boyfriend. He tried so hard to help me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect man to come in to my life…and he was stuck with me. Mentally fucked Melissa with no clue what was wrong… and worst of all, I thought I had to get out of my relationship with Mark.

Crazy,right?….I asked Mom for help. She had no relationship with me and no clue what was going on in my life…She is a complete train wreck of a human and so deep in her own denial and so wrapped up in her latest abusive relationship with a rich man that she could honestly give a fuck about me and thought the worst of me anyway… so yeah, break up with him and oh my god Melissa I don’t know what to do with you.

I kept cheating on him over and over again. I was off the rails with my manic depression. Spending, fucking, driving my car too fast…. Through a chat room, I got mixed up with a man that felt like Dad to me and I was entranced and captive to him. Mark asked me to marry him and I broke up with him, moved out.. I was off the rails with the sexual acting out/re traumatizing myself.

(Mark immediately met the woman he has since married and has been with for the past 18 years. I would give anything to have that man back in my life…Throughout these years, my memory of how he treated me has been the standard by which I have held all other men and nobody measures up….Beyond his character and integrity, the art, music and intelligence that lives within this handsome and kind man is incomparable. I blew it. Fuck. I pushed away the most incredible man I ever knew and he loved me. I still love him to this day.)

At that same time I heard a rumor at work that one of the counselors (reggie, 24) had slept with a client(raya,16). I knew reggie was capable of it (I had slept with him) so I reported it to the Unit manager, Big Mike. ……What I didn’t know is that Reggie, Mike and the guy I was so into, Cash were all friends who grew up together and in the same gang……

and so it was that month that I moved out from Mark that the man that I was so “in love with”, Cash, drugged me at a house party and raped me with 4 of his friends to teach me a lesson for reporting Reggie.

I remember sharing a beer with Cash and then feeling tired and dizzy and asking to lay down and then multiple hours of being barely coherent and having no control over my body and being passed around for everyone to fuck over and over again.

Cash was a sex trafficker and grooming me all along. No wonder he felt like home. My need for family and my daddy issues in full effect, I couldn’t break the spell. I was terrified of him and wanted him to think I was so sexy…..He was masterful with the mindfuck and kept me under his thumb at all times which felt like attention and love to me and was intense enough that I could feel it.

At that time, in Washington, you had a statue of limitations of 8 years to report a rape.

Mind you, I was so dissociative and still had no idea I was a person or had any rights to my thoughts or my body… I was really goddamn checked out at that point in my life….I was in shock. The childhood assault trauma was just surfacing and I had no words for it because it had been normalized and my feelings negated by my parents So, I didn’t know if I had been raped or not….it took me years to figure out that its wrong to drug someone and have all your friends fuck them…

I didn’t know I should or could ask for help. I didn’t believe I could be helped. I didn’t think anyone would help me. I didn’t know I was a person. I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know I could escape or how.

ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO GET HELP OR THAT I DESERVED IT???????

Whats wrong with you, Melissa?

In the meanwhile, Cash was making sure I wouldn’t report it.

He knew I was away from Mark, had a history of sexual assault and no family, and that I lived in absolute poverty so there was zero chance I could escape him.

I was in so much trouble. I needed help. I called Mom. I explained that it all to her. I explained that they were a gang. That it was sex trafficking… that I needed help…. To which she said “Let them play godfather. Whats the worst they can do?”….. (nice way to minimize the extreme danger I was in and negate me as a person, don’t you think?)

that bitch loves to see me suffer and struggle, doesn’t she. Doesn’t it make her look amazing when I look like shit? So she didn’t help me. She shit talked me to the rest of the family like I wanted to be in that situation because I was trash. Nobody helped me.

I remember talking to Mary Jane around that time explaining that I was getting counseling and she, like mom, shamed me and told me I didn’t have bipolar or something like that… She was Team Mary Ellen all the way and me getting counseling was just attention seeking or something like that.

See, this is why MJ and I have never been friends or close. I cant trust her. Shes not someone I think of as an ally. Sorry about that, MJ. Im not trying to be mean but… look at why I think that.

I really do look up to her though. She is so smart and capable. But I cant trust her and this is why.

By the way, here’s just a few of examples of the worst they can do while “playing Godfather”: They were so invested in making sure I never spoke about the rape they made sure I was living in such constant fear for my life (mental domination) that I was too scared to talk to anyone about it:

*They had voyeur cameras in my house…that they were making money off of.

*They had software on my laptop to collect all my personal data (social security, passwords, answers to security questions) so I am owned by them to this day.

*They had GPS on my car to track me everywhere I went and would leave notes on my car to let me know I was constantly being watched.

*They flipped my therapists office and stole all her files to make sure there was no record

*They poisoned my dog every day for a month while I was at work…I would come home to Milo cowering in the corner like he had been abused all day long and diarrhea all over the floor until one day I yelled out in my home with nobody there that I would find Cashs son and do the same to him…and I went online and found his childs home address…yelled that out to my empty apartment…and after that day Milo was never sick again….

*Then there are the 2 times they broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, drugged me in my sleep and did whatever and dumped me at the park. One of those time I woke up with half my face slack and paralyzed as though I had a stroke. By the grace of god I got the feeling back but to this day its still a little droopy.

*They sent their equally psycho boy Alex into my life to keep watch on me. He was horribly mentally abusive. I was so broken and demoralized. I needed to get away. Instead, I got pregnant. Alex also gave me syphilis ..and so I had an abortion. I had to get two Orders of Protection to get Alex away from me. When I called mom for help with the pregnancy, she was off the rails hysterical and I was yet even more scared and alone. Mom blamed me for all of it. Further evidence Im trash. I got pregnant by a mistake by a black man.

There is more, I mean it was 8 years of daily torture… but I think you get the idea. Complete mental domination was the name of their game.

I had no friends. None. I was so fucked up. I was terrified to speak to anyone because everything felt like danger. Just these men showing up when they felt like to to fuck me and terrorize me. Eight years. My 30s. I was miserable beyond the telling of it.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. I needed help. I was so scared. I needed my family. I got yelled at and shamed. I was so alone. I wanted to die. I was so depressed and fucked up. Goddamn. Let it end. And the worst of it all is that I really didn’t even have myself. I never had a chance to be safe enough to develop a self. I was a shell of a human. I was out of my head. I was so checked out with the PTSD and the trauma of it all. I was scared to be alive. Soul fracturing is real.

This was how I spent my 30s. Somehow pulling myself together to go to work during the day because I didn’t want to be homeless, coming home and having a total mental collapse at night and all the while being mentally tortured by a gang of sex traffickers and when I reached to my family for help I got blamed for being a fucked up piece of shit.

I had no one. When I talk about my isolation and how alone I am, its cumulative.  Its all this and more.

I don’t need to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas to be with someone for the holidays. I don’t need to get a dog. I need family. I need to be validated on a daily basis that I matter and am loveable just as I am. I need someone safe who is simply there. I need people in my life who celebrate me without me asking. I need people who are there for those simple mundane acts of living that define us…I need to come home to love.

The miracle: I kept myself employed and was successful in my corporate career path, I kept myself housed, and drug and alcohol free the entire time. I had the where with all to get counselling and try to work through my shit. I never gave up on myself even though I didn’t yet know who I am and my family had absolutely written me off from day one.

Then the Recession happened. I, of course, had never learned money management skills so there really wasn’t any savings to rely on. I was comfort eating like a motherfucker, I had student loans, a car payment and insurance and a foolishly large and expensive apartment, I had these lecherous men that were taking advantage of me financially too… I was manic depressive… I was paying for counselling (which if I am not mistaken over the years has totaled $100k) But to be honest, I don’t know where my money went… so when the Recession hit it took about 2 months before I was selling off everything I own and living in my car….where I stayed for the next year with my dog.

Nobody help me stay safe or in my integrity. I had no friends in Seattle to turn to. Mom told me to put my things in garbage bags and throw it all away…take the dog to the pound… and work with my counselor (she was angry about me getting help because she perceived it as being me trying to vilify her and this was her chance to punish me for getting help) and find a shelter to check in to because I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

Let me say that again: My mom knew I was losing everything, told me to throw my life away, dump my kid at the pound and told me to check into a shelter, I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

MY MOM.

Shes sees me as trash. She threw me away. Doesn’t she look amazing when Im failing?

Work in Seattle was impossible to find. I literally had 700 resumes out. Understand, I have held a job consistently since I was 15 years old and somehow mom thought this moment was me being a lazy piece of shit and just trying to manipulate her for money when I asked for help.

Sure. Ok.

I spent the next year in my car with no money coming in other than whatever odd jobs I could grab on craigslist to make my car payment. I drove back to North Carolina to seek help from my friends and my brother. My friends back home were not in a position to help me in any long lasting way but bless them all for what they did…

but Jim 2, who lives in Raliegh, was. He just declined. He made me a sandwich…told me there was nothing he could do for me (he has three houses)…and I spent the night in my car outside my brother’s house.

I had an ex acquaintance from Seattle who lived in Raleigh. He was part of the abuser sex trafficking gang. He let me sleep on the floor but would beat the shit out of me if I tried to sleep on the couch. I was so demoralized and out of my head, I needed literally anyone to be there for me….so, I stayed there, on the floor, for a month.

My brother was 15 minutes away, could have kept me safe but my brother chose to do nothing to help me.  

Whats wrong with you Melissa. My family. Definitely gonna say my family.  

When it was clear that North Carolina wasn’t going to be any better for work than Seattle I decided to drive back to the west coast. I had to drive through Texas and I didn’t stop at Moms house. I didn’t even try. Why would I?  I was so hopeless and out of my head with depression and PTSD. I was screaming into the great black nothing. I was cutting myself all over to get the evil out. I would punch my own face black and blue from self loathing… again, thinking it was all my fault and that I was defective. I mean… my own family didn’t want me. Nobody did. It was me. I was a horrible piece of shit and deserved to die. Nobody loved or wanted me. Nobody kept me safe. I was deeply lost in the void. I wanted to die. Goddamn. Let it end.

That year in the car was by far worse than the 8 years of being tortured by sex traffickers or the 13 years of living with my sex predator father or the 7 years of being stuck in bumfuck North Carolina with my moms abuser boyfriend stealing the show.

Without question having nobody and knowing that nobody cares if you are safe, in your integrity, have a door to lock, privacy of any kind, if you are fed or showered… knowing for a demonstrated fact that there is not a single person on earth who cares enough to validate your humanity is the absolute worst feeling I have ever known.  Being completely dehumanized, demoralized, erased. I begged for death.

Whats wrong with you Melissa?

Fun fact: during that time, instead of helping me or offering me a job at her business doing the exact job I did so well at Amazon (I asked for one and told her I would sleep in the attic at the office and she told me No), to mock me and show me what a failure I am and that I was just trying to manipulate her for money because Im a lazy loser

Mom went to her local Costco and applied for a job to show me how easy it was for her to get hired.

I mean, if youre going to be void of a soul, you should really go for it. Kudos, Mom.  

I drove through California on the way back home to Seattle and met my sister Patty for the first time. We look like two peas in a pod. We think exactly the same. She is undeniably my sister. It was the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my entire life I actually felt and thought the same as someone else.

She casually declined to introduce me to her family. They kept looking at me incredulously because we look just the same… but she would shoo them away when they would come over to talk. I met her at her restaurant and then she took me to her palatial home. She has a huge family. She had tons of photo albums… and then she started talking about Dad…like she was in a trance and talking about a favorite lover… it was clear that Dad had sexualized her and maintained that relationship with her well into her adult life and that was the reason she had no contact with us and didn’t want a deeper relationship with me. One conversation was all I got with her. I slept in my car outside her home. My sister didn’t help me. Whats wrong with you Melissa???

In one shot from LA I drove back to Seattle. I figured out that the Queen Anne neighborhood had the lowest crime rate so I parked there. I was so sick to death of all the nights that year that I would wake up with someone trying to break in to the car. Thank god I had Milo with me. He saved me multiple times from intruders that year. My body was a wreck from car living and shit food. My mental health beyond destroyed. I was really just done. Run through. All the way run through.

I did a brief stint staying in Silverdale with my friend from NC that I managed to re connect with on my drive back… but the hour drive into Seattle from Silverdale was too much so I lumped it and just slept in my car in Queen Anne once I secured my job…..

I went in to Top Pot Doughnuts every day for a month and demanded a job until they gave me one. I was 8 weeks into that job, still sleeping in the car but I had forward momentum when I totaled the car. I had the very last car payment in the seat next to me I had worked so fucking hard to maintain my payments in good faith despite it all and come out of that situation with my car but nope…fuck me. I was on my way to the gym and I was giving myself a pep talk telling myself everything was going to be ok….and I ate it…40 miles an hour into a stopped truck on the West Seattle Bridge. Entirely my fault. Milo went to the pound. All my earthly belongings went to the impound yard. I went to the ER…. And I called every single person I knew and who I thought could help me.

Just when you think you have nothing left, turns out you can go lower. Nobody returned my call.  

Me, the unwanted, loveable piece of shit. I could die and nobody cared. Whats wrong with you Melissa?

I got out of the hospital, I had made contact with my online friend Rishad and he let me stay for a couple days… BLESS HIM… In those two days I got on the bus. I took the bus that goes through Capitol Hill and up to Queen Anne where my job was. I wrote down every apartment for rent phone number I could see and I started making calls. In the first true lucky break I had in years, this apartment manager woman at a really sweet little apartment on the hill heard me out…heard my story… it was the 15th of the month. I had my car payment check and I cashed it and gave her the money… She gave me the keys and a wink and told me I could move in “on the first”, that’s what the money I gave her would pay for…. and that she definitely didn’t know anything about a dog so no pet fee was needed.

I went right upstairs, LOCKED MY OWN DOOR and laid on the floor with literally nothing left to my name and cried so fucking hard.  

I had whiplash from the accident. I fractured 4 molars on my steering wheel and over the years as my dentist promised they have slowly one by one fallen out of my face. I had broken both my feet and wracked my knees…. But I had a place that was my own and a job and that’s all that mattered.

I went right to the pound the next day and got Milo. I went to the impound lot and got what was left of my life. I missed a sum total of two days of work…. I was so thankful to have a job again I blocked out the pain from my broken body and I just kept going.

(Mind you the only thing Mom has ever been proud of me for in my lifetime is losing weight. That’s what got her attention…that’s what she was impressed by. I went on a diet.)

That next year, I lost 70 pounds at the gym. I perceived my training team as the family I never had and I was good at lifting weights. They weren’t honestly my friends or family but it was something consistent and I needed that stability and I needed them so fucking bad. It took 5 years to start to return to a somewhat functioning human... Lifting helped me get back into my body and stop checking out so much. My nutrition plan made me focus on myself every moment of every day…and nothing beats depression like clean food and working out. Structure and consistency.

My PTSD was off the rails though. I was worse than a soldier coming back from war…I never signed up for that shit and it started when I was a child. I was suffering. I wanted to die. Every moment of every day. I was miserable to be around. Nobody wanted to be my friend. So, trust me…just work and the gym with my illusion that people were there for me and me inappropriately and overly attached to them.

The irony is that I looked amazing and strong and I was, yes. The reality is that I wanted to die. I begged for death. I had two suicide attempts in those years….I surprised myself and cut my wrist with my house keys on the way to work one day and another time I walked into traffic but the car swerved.

Coming out of all that happened and processing all that trauma took more will power and resolve than anything I have ever done. It was so dark. I felt demon possessed. I was out of my head. I would find myself walking out of my place into public with no skirt on just my tights or other crazy shit like that. I was talking to myself, having heated arguments with nobody there all the fucking time. I was punching myself in the face. I was cutting and other such self harm.

It was really bad. I was hurting so fucking much.

And, I had another sociopath boyfriend taking full advantage of my disadvantage…keeping me fucked up because it kept me there for him. Thomas was in my life for 7 years. Absolute Scum. But he was the only person who would show up in person for me. I needed to be held. I was so out of my head and I still had no friends in my life…just people on the internet.… So again, this familiar situation: I just let him use me so I could have literally anyone there. The social and emotional isolation was killing me and I was convinced I was in love. He felt like home. He kept telling me we would be together if I waited. That he loved me. That I was the Key! I was the only time he was happy. The reality was he wouldn’t speak to me during the week. He would just show up on a Friday or Saturday night when he felt like it, from 1am to 3am…literally show up with his dick out to fuck me…very often wouldn’t speak to me when he was there…then he would leave and that was what I considered my relationship and love. It was about 2 years into our “relationship” that the truth slowly started to surface that he was in a long term relationship and he lived with her….

The details of how twisted he is and how he manipulated my daddy issues is disgusting. How he used neglect to keep me working so hard for him to be there and begging for his attention….really sick.

He felt like home which is the worst part. He was exactly like home.

It took me three years at the doughnut shop to get emotionally stabilized enough to make a plan for next steps. I was too emotionally fragile to go back to corporate work or be in an office environment. I knew I wanted to go to massage school and I really thought it could be an answer for me even though Mary Jane and mom had previously shamed and mocked me when I said I wanted to go. Mom didn’t think I could be anything better than a waitress. She told me to stop complaining that I hated my work and just go do it.

It was around this time that I had to move out of the apartment because they raised the rent by double on my sweet apartment and I found my way into squatting in my Art studio, where I have been for the past 7 years.

This studio has been so needed and healed me in so many ways. It is private enough to have a complete mental collapse and since it was a former isolation tank/jail… Nobody can get in here….bars over the windows and a steel door…so, I could sleep at night for the first time in years. The rent is crazy affordable which allowed me to go to school and later afford activities to try to learn social skills and be a real person in the world…. This place is my everything.

When I had my first art show… consisting of the photos that I took when I was living in my car. One of the ways I survived and changed my paradigm to get out of the car alive was that I would walk around and task myself with Looking through the eyes of Love. I would try to find one thing each day that I could see beauty in so I could continue to see good in the world…thus my collection of flower photos that I maintain to this day as my gratitude practice.

Mom picked up the phone and called me the night of my show.

(Mind you, she has never been there for me. Over the years since she kicked me out I think we have talked on the phone maybe 10 times. There have been years where she refused to give me her phone number…she made a game of it for years…I would email and ask for it she would say she was going to give it to me in her reply but never would. Then she finally did and a week later she changed it again. Psycho. Another time I can remember a time we talked on the phone and I ended by saying I love you and she was silent and struggled to say it back. Whats incredible is that she has always pretended to be someone who knows me and knows whats going on in my life and talks about it with such authority. This is a narcissistic abuser in action. What she was doing was scanning my social media and whatever scraps of information she could get and twisting it into whatever story she needed to support her storyline about me being a problem child and a fuck up and what a wonderful mother she is so she could continue to live in denial. She cant face the past and she has never done any work to own her part or apologize. So, now Ive cut her off. She does things now like call the place where I get my mail and had the people who run the PO box office tell me my mother called and she is worried about me and she asked them for whatever information they had on me -so I had to get a new PO Box place where the owners have English as a distant 2nd language-  or she will go through my friends list on social media and contact people to see if they will keep tabs on me for her and share her story about what a problem I am and how she is just a loving mother who I have scorned and of course people believe her. She said the magic word: Mother. Nobody would suspect what kind of Mother she actually is and they see me all angry, regressed emotionally like a child and so fucked up and struggling in the world so she must me right about me, yeah? Text book actions when you try to break away from a Narcissist)

So…I get into the studio and Im all set up for my show and she called me to say this: “So, youre having an art show huh? You think youre so great. Youre still alone though aren’t you? (the mean girl was jealous that I somehow retained a sense of self and did something neat to be proud and again, she wanted to punish me…the woman is demented.) You know, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that damn dog.” And then she laughed at me. Made some shit comment about my basement studio “not having air” and some other bullshit and we ended the call. My party guests were arriving. My self-confidence was missing in action for the rest of my night.   Nice, right? That’s my mom.

Shortly after I get in to the Studio Milo got sick. Really really sick. As I promised him from day one, I would never let him suffer for my own selfish reasons…. So, I rented a car, took him to the vet and had him put down. The love of my life and my great protector. This sweet soul that was my constant source of love and hope for 14 years. When I posted on my facebook thread about his passing, mom commented that she was devastated at her loss. Because, you know… Milos death, this dog that she wanted me to throw away, was about how it impacted HER.  …yeah….ok.

I want to mention out of the context of a clear timeline that somewhere in here I trained for and ran two Tough Mudders. They are 12 mile courses with 20 really fucking hard obstacles. They are designed to be run with a team. I ran them both solo because nobody wanted to join me. On the days that I went to the events, neither my Trainer or the man I was so in love with, Thomas, sent me as much as a good luck text to wish me well or acknowledge my accomplishment. My previously 215 pound ass had shrunk to 140 pounds and, at 40 years old ran a team event solo and made it through in TWO AND A HALF HOURS completing every single obstacle, no excuses…. And nobody who should have been excited and invested in my success said a word.

I was still invisible. I still did not matter. I was still not celebrated by the people who should have been there for me.

I want to point this out: Even I did not think I mattered or what I was doing was noteworthy. I was still so checked out and erased to myself that it didn’t click in my head that my life and all that I was doing and surviving was me doing the impossible.

My friend Luke (who I met online dating but I knew we were meant to be solid friends for life) made a point to come with me to the first Tough Mudder. He spent the entire day out there and he took photos of me… He is the reason that I can now reflect on what I did and actually SEE MYSELF. That gift is immeasurable. Luke evidenced me. Im here today as a whole person in part because of him.  Also of note, the transition time between the apartment and the studio: Luke let me stay with him. He kept me safe and he was my sounding board and my true friend. I have nothing but the deepest most heartfelt love and respect for him. His story is equally harrowing and he is a miracle in action. Thank you Luke. I love you. Youre in my inner circle for life.

Now that Milo was gone and I was feeling somewhat more stabilized as a human, I knew it was time to make my career plan and try to get into massage school. Here is the next great stroke of luck in my lifetime: I went to Discovery Point and I talked to the women that run the school I explained my situation and that I was completely broke. They let me go to school for free in those 9 months with the understanding that I would clean the school on the weekends, make what payments I could as I went along and work out a payment plan immediately after graduation and that they would hold my diploma until that was complete.  OH SWEET MERCY.

My days during those 9 months were 17 hours long. I would manage the café in the morning 5am to 1pm, go to the gym to lift and run from 2 to 4, then to school from 5 to 10pm…all the while walking to get to each place. I was getting something like 12 miles a day. I did it. I made my 9 months of cleaning the school and keeping my life on track ( no cheering section, nobody doing laundry, cooking, keeping bills paid or there to comfort me but me: Whats new?) , I passed my exam and I was on track to move my life forward.

I feel like there should have been a celebration when I graduated because that’s fucking astounding…. but, hey… nothing happened, nobody in my life said a word of congratulations about it. Surprise.

I live alone. I have no friends beyond those that exist on the computer, acquaintances from community, and a few co workers that I have hung out with from time to time and I always make a big deal about that on social media which gives the illusion that I have people, but I really dont. My only contact with others is at work. I go home to an empty room and there is no support or comfort. Its really impossible to describe to people who have people what it is like to live with this constant isolation and utter lack of emotional intimacy and how it eats you alive…but this has been my life.

People who don’t understand tell me to get a dog or volunteer or pay for therapy for companionship. That’s a cruel tone deaf response. People need people and it is reasonable to want to be loved, intimately, from the outside in. What I want is to simply matter, and be loved and valued, and have someone who is there without having to do something to receive that…..

Because I have yet to be understood when I talk about it, I have for the most part stopped talking about my isolation that is to this day very real for me.

Im so lonely I just want to die. Whats new.

In the next year, I was waiting tables still and somehow managed to pay off $10k for my license… on a year where I only made $24k. again, no celebration when I told my co workers about it…. I thought it was a big deal.

During that year I went to the doctor and discovered that I was literally malnourished. I was pushing it too hard with working out and keeping everything on track and my personal trainer wasn’t actually reading the food journal I sent him each night… so I got pneumonia as well….but just kept going.

I also got my Personal Training Cert and my Nutrition Counseling cert that year and started working as a Personal Trainer while I looked for a Massage job. Things were lightening up for me. The tremendous crushing weight of my entire life was lightening up.

But the reality of who my Trainer was and what a fraud he was came to the light. He was sleeping with some of his clients and I have a laundry list of unethical things he, and his business partner, were doing. When I held him accountable that was the last straw for him. He was sick to death of weathering my PTSD and how fucked up and sick I was and how fucked up I was over Thomas all the goddamn time… and additionally I was calling out all the ways he was unethical: I was bad for business. I was bad for him in the fitness community.

He kept gaslighting me to try to get me to leave but that was my community for 5 years and I didn’t know what to do…….So, Matt did whats guys do: Shes crazy… and shit talked me throughout the fitness community.  He kicked me out of his gym and I now have no gym to work out at and no trainers willing to work with me. Thanks Matt! Super appreciate you!

I maintained my own lifting program for another year but honestly, I was in it for the community and sense of belonging that I never had before in my life. Without that and with Matt shit talking me in the background so I had no support elsewhere my program started to slip…. Add to that, I had begun  working full time in massage and my shoulder got burnt out. I have a repetitive stress injury from my Amazon days that was made worse at Tough Mudder when I got my arm yanked nearly out of its socket in an obstacle… so, Lifting started to fade… and honestly, I was burnt out on the regiment of it all. I needed a break. I deserved a huge break.

I think it was right around 2014 when Mom had me come to Houston for Thanksgiving as though we are friends or she was a Mom. The highlights of that visit include her telling me the reason I wasn’t welcome in Houston during the Recession was because her husband Rumi forbade it.

(I forgot to mention that all through the years of her being with Rumi she has painted this picture of him being physically and emotionally abusive. That she was hiding money to escape him and what a horror he is. She had some secret email account that she sent me emails from at one point and told me that she was trying to hack his email to see who he was having affairs with or some other drama….. but you know if you ask Jim2 who his best friend is, its Rumi…apparently they text all the time…so, you know…she loves to lie and paint these horrific pictures of who people are to support whatever her manipulation is to get sympathy or whatever pay off)

Anyway, While I was in Houston visiting her she was acting like everything was normal and fine and that I had just made up whatever it was that I went through during the Recession. She reminded me that since I “left home” at 18 she has had to give me something like $20k in support and implied what a burden I am and how I always have my hand out. She has kept track of the financial support she gave me as a parent and wanted me to feel like shit for needing her. Cool….

Another example of how mentally deranged she is: While I was there we went out to lunch. Mind you, I have maybe $100 to my name at that time. I offered to pay for lunch at this fast food place and after we ordered she commanded me to go pick a table. So I got a booth with a chair. I sat on the booth side so I was facing the café and could see her when she came out of the restroom… I waved her over and she sat in the chair. Unbeknownst to me, the booth side made me taller than the chair side…. She got this twisted angry look and became livid that I thought I was better than her. Paying for lunch and sitting above her like that….. The next day Mom and Rumi started playing a really fun game where they forgot my name and kept calling me “Savannah” (my niece) for the remainder of the time I was there …. You know… because at 44, they saw me as a child. Nothing like a little game of erasing your daughter’s person hood and replacing it with infantilism to let your daughter know you really see her and respect her.

I really hope this is making clear why I have a strict no contact in place with her that I will never change.

Now its 2017 and I get hired at my dream job. The Spa that I am at is beautiful. My co workers are the best. I make really fine money. My mental health is slowly coming together. I got Thomas out of my life and have enough mental clarity now to really see him for who he is.  I had spent yet another holiday season alone and the isolation was killing me, as per usual…so I decided that the best thing for me to do to help pull me out of my PTSD and stop being so scared to be seen or heard would be to go to music school…. Learn how to make friends for the first time in my adult life and be with people who were not my co workers. Try to trust people again. Try to trust that I could be liked for who I am….though rejection has been a very prevalent theme in my life… Try to learn some social skills that I missed out on basically my entire life.

How to simply hang out and play….was brand fucking new to me. Music school was really really really hard… not to mention I have no musical ability and I get triggered by stress pretty quickly and freeze… but I knew it was the right thing to do to reparent the kid inside me who never learned to make friends or be in activities with others and who wanted to play drums…. So hell yeah. I did it.

Thank you to Katy,Tracy,Melissa,and Kiyan for coming out to see a couple of those shows and being there to support me. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

I thought if I could make friends there I would have people to go out with and maybe could have a chance to meet a man and have a relationship… but all the women there were married with children and had little interest in going out at night, and I still wasn’t fully integrated as a Self yet… so that was a bust.

Music school was really me making up for my 20s and 30s when I should have been out at shows and hanging with friends and making art and and dating but instead I was being mentally tortured by my entire life. I gave it a good shot, but Im a mixed media artist not a musician and that’s really that. I have to take it in stride: Bless my heart for trying. Thank you to all my bandmates for being so kind and supportive of me and for being stellar humans

I was in my first year of Music school when I met the most amazing man, Joe. He was magical. He honestly loved me for me and I loved him right back. It was fast and deep and I felt so completely seen and wanted by him and OH MY GOD I NEEDED THAT FOR SO LONG. He made incredible things happen and took me on dates that made me feel like a Queen…. But Joe was terminally ill and two months later took his own life. I was in shock again….but kept going as I do.

Also out of context of timeline: When I got into that sweet little apartment I would go down to Edge of the Circle which was just a couple blocks away and get Tarot readings from Raven and Kiyan. I didn’t know how to simply ask for friendship so I would buy Tarot readings to have someone to talk to. These two helped me so much in so many ways…through their compassion and through helping me develop my Self and my skills. Over and over again these two have shown up as real people who have treated me with integrity. People who genuinely care about me and support me in my developing personhood. Ive made it through because of them and so many others along the way.

The shitty thing about being knocked out of your self is that even though you have people around you who care, you often cant see it or feel it and like a dick minimize what people are doing for you because the all-consuming feeling that nobody is there is so much larger than the gentle loving efforts of those around you…. And what happens: you push away the people who are there for you because they have self-respect and youre unwittingly being a dick. I want to say Im really sorry about this because I know for sure Ive done this.

Also out of context of timeline: Somewhere in here I started working in Tarot and caught a lucky break and got hired at Percys to be their Reader. Huge shout out to Krista who made that so possible for me. That Tarot night did more for my sense of Self and well being than I can explain and I was a success there largely because Krista made it so beautiful and kept that night going for me.

I also want to say Thank you to Tracy, Katy, and of course Brian who were my friends and co workers at the RowHouse Café… through those early massage school years. Endless support and encouragement from these guys, even when I was too fucked up to really receive it or reflect it back. Im really lucky to have met you and have had you in my life.

It was right around the solar eclipse and the night before that hurricane hit and flooded Houston and moms house got flooded that I emailed her a long list of things she had done that hurt me and explained that I would be taking time away from her and Id let her know when we could speak again. The next morning after I sent that email I again felt puppet mastered…. But this time by the little kid inside me… I literally woke up, jumped out of bed and started to dance. I was filled with glee. I was amazed by myself. I don’t know where that came from except to say that the kid inside me was OVERJOYED to be free of her.

In the coming years I kept proving to myself that I wont let her back in and that Im safe now… and as I have been staying true to this practice of not letting her, or anyone like her, back in my life… I have become happier and more whole as a human being…. More capable of making good choices in friends and finances….

She made an attempt to contact me around the holidays this year. I saw her call but let it go to voice mail. The message she left was something to the tune of her wanting to know if I had forgiven her yet and gotten over it. …See, because its about me and what I need to do because its my damage that is the problem here…. Nothing had changed with her. It was still my fault. No apology. No self reflection. Had I forgiven her yet. For fucks sake: I will never forgive her.  

I have learned to celebrate myself, take my self on vacations and to my great delight I had friends who spent time with me and took care of me!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!, give myself the compassion and nurturing that I always wished I had and reasonably should have had from my family. I have been working on being able to see the love that is there for me from the people that I have in my life, though I still struggle with that.  I have been working so hard on Self Love, Self Respect, Healthy boundaries, creating safety and stability in my life in all way and I know that Im doing great work because my inner me, those little kids inside of me that needed a parent are really responding to the parenting Im giving them…. Check this out:

A month or so after I declined her call I was out at the café in my neighborhood, having a treat and a coffee and doing some writing. I was sitting at the table and this incredible feeling came over me as though a golden light was shining on me and I could see it glittering down on me. I started laughing and crying like when you cum really hard and youre filled with ecstasy and bliss. And then I had a vision of being in a hospital room that was in the forest… it was just two walls of the room and then the woods…I could see deer and birds. In the hospital bed there was a person in a full body cast. The cast had moss growing on it and tiny sprouts of pine trees. The Doctor walked in to the room to check on the patient. I was both the Doctor and the Patient. I told myself: Hey, its time to get you out of there. And I grabbed my circle saw and started to cut my cast from end to end and crack to open like a sarcophagus. I told myself Welcome Back! We are so glad you are here!!! Go slow, take your time getting up. No rush.

I was so elated. I walked home immediately. Upon arriving at my studio I had another vision of all the ages of myself, down to the youngest and up to the oldest and wisest all linking hands. I recognized these women as my Sisters/MySelf… all of us agreed that the next would watch out for the next and that nobody would ever hurt us again. SOUL RECLAMATION.

For the first time in my life I am here, in this body, in this present moment. The first time in my life I am ME. Im currently 6 months in to my actual LIFE. THIS IS ME. I AM HERE. OH MY GOD. I MADE IT.

Yes now, of course, the world is ending and my career in massage is tenuous at best and I might be fucked again…. But so not worried because honestly, Ive survived worse with less. So I will figure this out and keep myself alive, housed and fed.

Over the years my attempts to talk it out with Mom were pointless… she would erase my feelings and angrily tell me that it was hard on all of us. She would hold no space for me and just be my mom and have some compassion for her baby girl. Nope: It was hard on all of us so stop complaining… but see, I was a child and they were my parents and that was my family and I had no choice…. So really, at this point, Im done. Im better off on my own.

I don’t know what else to say other than those yearly years were tremendously bad for everyone in my family, yes. I can now at this time in my life see and understand why everyone did what they did…. That my parents were also victims of abuse from their parents and all that and yeah, I have compassion and Im really sorry they had to go through that….But it doesn’t make it ok or make mom someone I will let back in my life. I mean, I went through it and Ive dedicated my lifes work to helping others heal and I try to be so good to everyone around me so…. No excuses. And, I still have questions like: Fuck, why did dad never go to jail? Im guessing it was about the money…..and really, how did nobody in my family see that I needed help?

Anyway… Ive done epic amount of self work to be here today as a whole person and really change my reality to one where I have value and can share love. Im still working on it… My social anxiety is still the worst. I can barely form words into sentences when Im out in public and I dont have a job to do as my role to play....but you know, I keep trying and its easier and keeps getting easier… and I have amazing friends like Brad to have mini adventures with… and I have my Studio to do my art in and now that Im feeling so much more whole as a person I think I might actually see some work through to completion that I can be proud of… and I have a job that I love and Im getting training for some other skills to expand my skillset and I feel that things can only get better from here so

I feel so lucky to be alive and so fucking grateful to be me and I really like myself. It’s a miracle. All things are possible if you just remember: LOVE IS THE KEY and keep moving in that direction.

That’s my experience and now you know.

[kissykiwi]

the day before you came (1)

im still writing this, but i couldn’t resist posting the very first chapter.  im excited about this piece, and i hope y’all will be too !!! welcome to my official return to writin things.

wherein harry is a travel writer who has officially reached his breaking point, y/n is a hotelier’s daughter who has never left kalokairi, and their paths are destined to meet. (mamma mia au, 2200 words)

There were days when Y/N really hated summer.  The effusion of flowers, running under bowers heavy with lemons, lying out in the sway of the tides under a full moon -- none of it felt worth it as she, her mother, and Georgie ran about The Muse.  It was the last day before the summer travel season truly began, and their little hotel was battening down the hatches for their first batch of tourists.

“Y/N, have you put the linens out on the line?  And Georgie, has Nikolas called about bringing in the week’s groceries yet?  I told you both that our first guest comes in at midnight tonight, and I’d like to have a cheese plate out to greet him!”

Because she was a good daughter, Y/N steadfastly resisted the urge to roll her eyes.  This was the third time Dee had reminded of her of the sheets that were quite visibly fluttering in the wind -- Y/N had even remembered the duvet and pillow covers that her mother always forgot.  Whoever this mystery guest was (listed only in the guestbook as “Rick Steves”), he had her mother in quite the tizzy.

“Yes mom.  And Georgie’s already told you that Nik was on the way, given that they never seem to manage two minutes without texting each other.”

To her right, two wide, brown doe eyes glared her down underneath a mop of riotous dark curls.

“He is my friend,” Georgie sniffed, flopping her mane of hair over her shoulder as she went to grab the stock book out of the front office.  Even Dee snorted at that one.

“Good friend, dear.  You oughta make a move.”

Beneath her sun burnished olive skin, Georgie turned bright red.  Y/N marveled at how perfectly in sync it was to the buzz of her phone.

“The food has come in from the mainland.  And just for that, Y/N, you can get it.”

“I’ll make sure to bring Nik with me,” Y/N called as she skipped towards the stairway down to the docks.

The stairway was tied without about 10 other places on the island for Y/N’s favorite view.  It had a sweeping panorama of the Aegean Sea as you clattered down the worn stone that made the staircase, and was lined on one side by a solemn row of cypress trees that she always rubbed for good luck (and for perfume).  As you got further down the winding cliffside, The Muse disappeared from view, and Y/N personally thought the surprise of coming up to B&B really added to value.  It was seldom enjoyed, as most guests either preferred or required the car ride up to their little villa, but that just meant it was Y/N’s secret in plain sight.  Sometimes she could sit halfway down, out of sight of both the hotel and the docks, and imagine what life was like beyond the Aegean, leagues past the limits of the towns in Greece she had seen.  Others she would follow her little northward path down the other side of the hill to Calliope’s Beach and float in the shallows until her fingers pruned and her hair was fairly coated with salt.  

The stairs themselves continued on down to a path that lead to the docks, where she had to go now.  The hotel’s ‘88 Range Rover, which was 60% blue paint and another 40% rust, was waiting at the top of the docks to carry the groceries back up the winding hill.  Y/N jogged down the steps, resisting the call of the beach as she went to run her errands.

Nik was tied off to the northmost piling in the docks like always, already busy stacking the hotel’s orders onto the dock beside him.  Crates of fresh veggies, pungent cheeses, and the first few days of seafood had made their way onto the wooden boards, and no doubt the specifically requested order of teas was the last to come.  Y/N’s eyebrows had about hit her hairline when she’d seen the list of some regional, some clearly British brews that had been added in almost hilarious quantity to their usual roster.  

“Got a bit of an herbalist coming, hm?” Nik asked as he hefted the last chest out onto the docks.  Y/N nodded slowly.

“Apparently.  D’you know Georgie told me that whoever requested these also called ahead to see if we’d allow his candles?”

Nik laughed, though Y/N knew for a fact that it was information Georgie had given him the week before when the call came in.  Ever the good sport.

“Well, at least you know he’ll be careful enough not to burn the Muse down.  Probably, anyway.  Do you know anything else about whoever requested all of this?”  Y/N couldn’t help but sigh, because she didn’t, and it was bugging her.  Usually her mother was something of an open book regarding who would be coming in to see them, but she was abnormally tight lipped regarding this specific guest.  Wouldn’t even give vague details, like age or nationality, or if Mr. Steves was even a Mr. at all.  

“Not a thing Nik,” she responded over the clunk of their crates being loaded into the trunk.  “I can hardly wait for tonight.”

---

Kalokairi, Harry thought, had better be bloody beautiful for all the hassle it was to get out to it.  He had only just finished the rounds for his latest book (Couch Surfing In Copenhagen: Scandinavia for Twenty Somethings), finalizing the last leg of his work in the bustle that was New York, and he was already well drained by the time he’d hit JFK.  He was just beginning hour three of his car ride from Athens to Lirios, one that had begun immediately after a ten hour nonstop flight, and he was well and truly out of energy.  He still had a half hour ferry to go to get to the island itself after they’d made it to the docks.  There was a headache growing behind his eyes, though whether it was from the extended travel, the amount of time he’d been awake, or the itch he had for one of the cigarettes his driver had been periodically smoking, he wasn’t sure.

Safe to say his relaxing, restorative three month break was starting as anything but.  As he watched the Greek highway roll by, he couldn’t help but feel a bit melancholy.

There was a time in his life when no matter how jetlagged he was, no matter how many hours he spent in transit, the thrill of travel kept him feeling fresh.  There was an image he had in his mind then, of a seed on the wind, ready to plant himself wherever the breeze helped him land.  That was how his writing career had started.  He had been eighteen, going on small trips from England to the continent and writing little blogs about it to get some practice in for his dream magnum opus.  It had felt like a dream when one of the UK’s biggest publishers had approached him about a travel novel.  One novel had turned into two had turned into five, and now at the ripe old age of twenty four, Harry had officially had his midlife crisis.

Where had his plans gone for a more serious novel?  Alright-- well.  He would defend his travel work to the grave, so he didn’t want the impression going about that he was ashamed of it, because he never would be.  He knew he’d helped people, whether it was to find where to go or to enjoy a long plane ride of their own.  But since fourteen he’d envisioned a proper zeitgeist novel; funny but honest, reflective but not obvious, the kind of thing that could represent a generation.  Crashing in Cairo: An Englishman’s Journey Through North Africa certainly wasn’t his most contemplative work.  And besides that, he wondered what travel meant to him anymore besides a few months work and a paycheck.  There was a love he’d had once, and he felt an ache in his chest knowing that that was gone.

All of this he had explained through heaving, shuddery breaths on a long distance connection to Gem, who had responded with a deep sigh.

“Frankly, H, I think you need a sabbatical,” she’d said knowingly.  “Just get away from it all, take a break.  Stay somewhere for longer than a month.”  Harry had laughed somewhat hysterically.

“Getting away from it all’s my job, Gem.  The usual solutions are a bit out of my grasp.”

“I mean it Harry.  Find a tiny island somewhere and just take time for yourself.  No travel writing, no deadlines, no talking to your agent about where in the world they’re dropping you off next.”

“I can’t even look at a map of the world without getting nauseous,” he moaned and hey, that may have been an exaggeration, but Harry was feeling awfully grim.

“Then you’ll take my recommendation with no questions.  There’s this little place called Kalokairi.  It’s a Greek island in the Aegean, that’s practically made of sun, blue water, and good food.  I stayed there with my friends a year or two ago, and they have the most wonderful little hotel there that I know you’ll love.  How does three months this summer sound?”

A rock in the middle of the ocean had sounded pretty damn good, and so here he was hurtling down the road to what was likely little more than a dinghy out to an island he hadn’t even googled.

Truly, what had his life become?  Curling his shaking fingers into his palm, he leaned forward to his driver.

“Say, could I bother you for a cigarette?”

---

Y/N was fairly wrecked by the time she made it to her bed in the room above the registration desk.  As her mother aged she did more heavy lifting, and she felt as though she had run a marathon or two.  At the very least Dee had taken pity and sent her up for bed instead of asking her to wait for the mysterious Mr. Steves.

She’d heard nothing of him before his check in, and the radio silence had her absolutely itching to see what all the fuss was about.  Though she never told her mother it, the guests were her way of living vicariously outside of their microcosm of the world.  Being denied any information about their international man (or woman) of mystery had her head spinning with scenarios.  Maybe it was some high up government boss bitch here on a rest and recovery, someone who’d have stories of Moscow and Sao Paulo and Jakarta.  Could be that it was some creaky old man who’d lived in Berlin during the Cold War and had stories about sneaking across the wall and the underground scene.  Maybe (and this was quite the hopeful maybe) it was someone her age who’d gotten to see just a bit of the world, someone who would want to talk to her and be a new friend (the first in twenty years).  Or even more.

That was why, though it was just about midnight and creeping ever closer to her nineteenth hour of being awake this day, she was huddled close to her window and sipping from one of the teas she was allowed to have.  She’d heard the ferry come in (the ancient catamaran was something of a screamer after a long day of travel), and had forced herself upright to wait for her mother to return with their first of the season.

Across the dimly lit courtyard, she saw the gate into the villa’s main environs swing open.  There was her mother, the unmistakable silhouette of her hair and sprinkle of her laugh indicative even from a ways away.  Next to her, was what looked like a man, and probably a young one.  He dwarfed her mother, all willowy limbs and long frame, and she could make out some duck fluff soft curls.  He was carrying quite a few bags and her mother had a few more.  This was no doubt the three month stay.  Though she couldn’t make out much of him, there was something about the line of his shoulders and his skinny little ankles that made her hope he might be rather cute.

“Jus’ a bit tired is all.  Last year or two have been rather long, I s’pose.”  His voice was rich and low, and his accent was easily pegged as British, though she hardly knew which region.  It made something curl in her stomach.  Her curiosity was well and truly piqued.

“Well, we hope you’ll be able to relax here.  I’m excited for you to see the island in the morning.  I remember the first time I saw it-- it was dawn then, and it just about took my breath away.  And my daughter will be around with your breakfast for whenever you list it.  You have us at your disposal, given you’re our first arrival.”

Her mom had taken the route that kept his face in shadow,  and Y/N tried not to flush guiltily as Dee looked knowingly up at the window and wiggled her fingers.  Y/N sighed and rolled over to turn out the light.  It looked like finding out whoever this man was would have to wait until the morning.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Cyberverse watch! Episodes 1-10

EPISODE 1

Bee you are ADORABLE

The cartoons always seem to start off in the middle of a desert huh

Lmao this is mean but imagine if bee missed the ju-- OH NO I WAS JUST KIDDING BEE

BUMBLEBEE IM SO SORRY I WAS JUST KIDDING, I SHOULDN”T HAVE MADE THAT JOKE

Gosh I’m so glad Windblade seems like one of the main three, like, she’s one of the main people in the intro and everything

Oh man we’re getting right into the bakstory huh

THERE”S TINY PERCY

“We couldn’t be sure if it’d actually work” Windblade says as she jumps through it without any concern or sense of self-preservation

AW SHE HUGGED BEE Windblade is so cute

IS THAT...SKYWARP

It’s so hard to tell the seekers apart

AW MAN I LOVE WINDBLADE’S SWORD And I love that her wings are retractable that’s so cool

STINGER that’s a new ability for ol’ Bee

OH THAT”S THUNDERCRACKER alrighty, sorry bud, I always think you should be green for some reason

JEEZ LOUISE WINDBLADE THAT CORTICAL PSYCHIC PATCH

I wonder if Windblade is still a Cityspeaker in this show :O

oh ANNNND THAT”S THE END OF THAT EPISODE man I forgot they were only 11 minutes. Alright, what the heck, let’s do some more

EPISODE 2

Alright I’m pretty sure that pretty purple seeker isn’t Skywarp but  idk what her name is yet

Aw grumpy Bee is cute

HER FANS JUST FLEW OFF???? WE’RE JUST PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH THESE DESIGNS HUH I gotta say I’m a fan

“I’m going to create a distraction while you--” *camera zooms out to show Bee’s wandered off* I LOVE THEM

Yeah Windblade may not be a Cityspeaker in this series but she’s definitely a babysitter lmao, poor gal

OH SHE IS A CITYSPEAKER THAT”S AWESOME I wasn’t sure if they’d keep that part of her backstory :’) I’m so glad

Awww they hugged again :’)))) Windblade and Bee’s friendship is so cute!!

AAWW AND AGAIN!!! GOSH I LOVE THEM “We were friends once” “We still are” WEEPS!!!!

EPISODE 3

Windblade: BUMBLEBEE STOP DRIVING SO BADLY IM TRYING TO MONOLOGUE

Windblade: I’m going to plug into your brain with this cortical psychic patch and access your memories Bumblebee: I don’t believe this woman’s ever gone to medical school

Lmao way to sum things up Bee

TRIFORCE CUBE ALLSPARK

I wonder if the Allspark swallowed up / locked away his memories AH and as soon as I started typing that some weird glowing stuff started happening lmao

Ah and there’s Starscream, the dork

Man had Saling not warned me about Peter Cullen not voicing Optimus I would’ve been totally caught off-guard by that. Man, I hope Mr. Cullen is doing ok

I DON”T KNOW WHY BUT MEGATRON SAYING “AHAHA OPTIMUS PRIME” MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD

STARSCREAM TOOK OFF HIS WINGS AND THREW THEM WTF

LMAO SHE JUST TRIPPED HIM OFF A LEDGE #Get rekt Starscream

SCARY LADY WHO THE HECK IS THAT

SOUNDWAVE

MY BOY!!! IT”S HIM THERE HE IS!!! I JUST GASPED

SOUNDWAVE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOU”RE DOING SO GOOD

OH MAN AND HE CAN TALK???? SOUNDWAVE BABY BOY!!!!!

OUCH poor Optimus

Optimus: Good thing I was a pitcher in my middle school’s football league *chucks Allspark through the space bridge*

EPISODE 4

That Allspark looks so much like a dice....I wonder what would happen if they rolled a nat 20 on it lmao

GRIMLOCK??????

WHEELJACK?????

lmao wheeljack looks like such a dork I love him

OH MY GOSH IS THAT CHROMIA??? SCREW THESE GUYS, THERE”S MY GIRL!!!!

Lmao I love that Windblade’s essentially “Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories”-ing Bee’s memories

Optimus: Meet back here in 20 astrocycles Grimlock: Sure thing! *whispers to bee* What the heck is an astrocycle Bee: *Shrugs*

Bee: I don’t know, but this place is the pits I LOVE HIM?????

It’s so weird hearing “intellectual” Grimlock lmaooo

Bee: *grumbles* Optimus would’ve thought that was a funny joke YOU ARE PRECIOUS

Optimus: Bee, watch your footing, the ground is starting to shake Bee: Thank you for that wonderful observation, Captain Obvious

Those bugs are making such cute sounds as they attack them that’s so cute

Aw Optimus, you’re such a good guy, what a sweetheart

Dang, they have a lot of autobots on that ship

UH THEY SHOULD LEAVE AT LEAST ONE PERSON AWAKE

EPISODE 5

Aw man the snow and mountain background in this episode look so pretty

WHY IS BEE HOLDING A GOAT SO CUTE

Bee: They were very kind. They took me in as one of their own WHY! ARE! YOU! SO! PRECIOUS!!!!!

Windblade: You want a what? What is a food processor? THEY”RE SO CUTE!!! GOSH I LOVE THEM 

oh man the backgrounds on this show are absolutely beautiful

Man, you know what it’s so frickin cool that Windblade’s essentially the main character of the show (plus Bee, but mostly her) :’)

“I thought they left all the useless bots on Cybertron” “Clearly not, if you’re here” OH SNAP

Bee’s just sitting on the ship watching bad human TV while Windblade’s off risking her life lmao, I love him

Slipstream is such a moron, why would you throw a flier off a CLIFF

SHE”S A FLIER

I love how Windblade says “Ugh, I was attacked” as if it’s just an inconvenience and not a huge deal

EPISODE 6

OHHH IS THIS GLADIATOR MEGATRON

YEAHHHH IT IS

AHHHHHH BEE HIGH-FIVED SHOCKWAVE, THAT”S SO CUTE I was wondering what the context was behind that

OH MAN THERE’S ARCEE AND RATCHET

AHHH AND THERE”S SOUNDWAVE They’re all standing beside him!

MEGATRON JUST SAID “TIL ALL ARE ONE” IM CRACKING UP

Optimus: I do not intend to start a fight Bee: What if he doesn’t listen? Optimus: He will listen to me 8′((((( and so it begins </3

Lmao also:  Optimus: I don’t intend to start a fight Optimus two seconds later: *chucks a bot*

OH MAN SHOCKWAVE LOOKS SO INTIMIDATING I LOVE THAT

“The file clerk is here to air his grievances” OHH it’s interesting to see what sort of backstory they’re giving Optimus in this universe

Megatron: You are wasting your time Optimus: It is never a waste of time to speak to an old friend I AM CLUTCHING MY CHEST,  YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME RN

GOSH THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC BREAKUP EVER THIS IS KILLING ME IM SO SAD

That one lady Decepticon: *grabs onto Bee and flips him over her head* Me: *CONFLICTED HEART EYE EMOJI????*

SOUNDWAVE!!! IM LOVE YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!

GOSH I AM RENDERED INCAPABLE OF COHERENT THOUGHT OR SPEECH WHEN HE COMES ONSCREEN

Bee: Megatron may have torn out my voicebox, but he can’t keep me from talking. I love to talk! Talk talk talk talk.... Windblade: *laughs* Shut up! *weeps into my hands* This friendship is so wholesome

EPISODE 7

AW Decepticon ships have pong on their ships that’s adorable

What is the deal with this cube...is it a person....

AW IS THIS THEIR FIRST MEETING, THAT”S SO ADORABLE, gosh, what a dorky way for Windblade and Bee to meet

IT”S A SPORT OH MY GOSHHHH that’s amazing, I don’t think I’ve ever seen any sort of Cybertronian sports, that’s so cool! I always wondered what kind of sports / games they’d be into

lmao Starscream is so unimpressed with Windblade for liking the game

Ahh Windblade’s taller than him! That’s so cool!

LMAO Bee: You seem different. You’re not like other jets

GOSH THIS EPISODE IS LITERALLY MEAN GIRLS BUT WITH GIANT ROBOTS THIS IS HILARIOUS

Lmao yeah Starsream, because no one’s going to notice the cube is suddenly red instead of blue

AW NEITHER OF THEM REMEMBER HOW TO PLAY CUBE that’s adorable

EPISODE 8

Ugh, there really aren’t any good places to watch episode 8 so I’m watching it all broken up

YO VELOCITRON EXISTS IN THIS UNIVERSE NICEEEE It’s so cool seeing the colony planets!!

YO VELOCITRON LOOKS SO C

OH MY GOSH THERE’S HOT ROD!!!! I LOVE HIM OH MY GOSH BLURR IS HERE TOO!!!!

HOT ROD!!!! RODDY!!! YOU SOUND SO CUTE I LOVE YOU!!!!

Wait wtf is that evil wheeljack??? WHO IS THAT oh wait Plague of Rust??? that doesn’t sound great

“HOT DOG”

I really like Bee’s voice ahhhh he got such a great voice actor

Hot Rod and Blurr’s banter is so fun, that’s really great, and Bee’s like an excitable little kid!!! I love him!!!!

Blurr you stupid twunk, you gotta get out of there THAT RUST IS SPREADING SO FAST

OH NO HIS WHEEL GOT SOME RUST ON IT

OH SHOOT THEY’RE REALLY GONNA KILL BLURR HUH

DANG DUDE WELL OK THEN

EPISODE 9

Nicccce good friends sparring

WHO IS THIS CREEPY MULTIPLE EYED GIRL oh her name is Shadow Striker

*MEANINGFUL SILENCE AT THE WAY THEY STRUNG OPTIMUS UP*

“Ugh, I don’t even like being alone in the room with him” “I don’t like being left alone with you!” LMAO

Bee is so cute, he’s trying to psych himself up

LMAO THE GUARDS ARE TALKING ABOUT THEIR PREFERENCES AND THEIR BOSS that’s so cute what losers

AW MAN I thought Bumblebee was gonna hug Optimus that would’ve been cute

There’s so many seekers in this series!

Man I wasn’t sure what I’d think of Cyberverse but I’m really enjoying myself! It’s such a cute heartwarming show!

...I say, right as Shadow Striker attempts to do a murder / suicide thing with Bumblebee

“What’s your problem with me?!” I MEAN YOU DID BLOW HER UP BUMBLEBEE, CAN YOU BLAME HER FOR BEING MAD

EPISODE 10

Epic space battle! 

BEE YOU DON”T HAVE A SPACE-FARING ALT MODE WHAT ARE YOU DOING

MACCADAMS

THAT”S...DEFINITELY NOT HOW I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRONOUNCED

RIP buff Rung theory, you will be sorely missed

RATCHET!!! GOSH HE DOES SOUND LIKE A WEIRD NEW YORKER that’s an interesting take on his voice! I wonder how they decided on that

SOUNDWAVE!!! SOUNDWAVE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WOULD DIE FOR YOU!!! AND HE EVEN HAS BACKUP DANCERS!!! Of course the crowd is going wild for him

AW MEGATRON AND OPTIMUS *whispers* datenight

WHEELJACK AND SHOCKWAVE AW THAT”S SO CUTE They’re both dorky science nerds / proud papas to the shocklets and OH MY GOSH DID SHOCKWAVE JUST LAUGH THAT”S SO CUTE

Gosh I love seeing the bots talking about sports that’s adorable

MACCADAM IS TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE goshhh. I still see buff Rung but actually getting to meet Maccadam is pretty neat

DEADLOCK AHHH aw he’s so timid!! I love him :’) 

CHROMIA!!! I LOVE HER!!! And aww she’s making the same argument she does in the comic

OH NO DEADLOCK POOR GUY what a sweetheart, he’s just out here doing his best 

YOOOO MACCADAM THAT”S SICK AS HELL, IM SCREAMING

THIS DUDE DEFINITELY TAKES AFTER HIS PAPA RUNG

I need to draw Mac and Rung together, I NEED to see them hanging out

“To friendship” AW THAT”S SO PRECIOUS GOSHHHH

I CAN”T WAIT TO SEE MORE OF THIS SHOW I LOVE IT

[28gucci]

a super long and sappy happy pride post 🌈

just a heads up this post is going to be super sappy but it’s just how i’m feeling 🤷🏻‍♀️ i just want to say that i love being in the lgbtqia+ community more than anything in this world. it feels so good to say that and be out (at least on the internet). i don’t think i would be as comfortable with myself as i am now if it weren’t for 1d and the 1d fandom. 1d has always been an escape and a fun time for me since i was in 7th grade and i’m now going into my sophomore year of college!! that’s insane to me. this group of five random boys was able to bring me out of my shell and helped me realize that being bi or non-labeled isn’t a bad thing and that i should embrace who i am no matter what. with that being said, i don’t think i’d be as happy as i am now without the friends that i’ve made in this fandom. i still get into depressive states from time to time but i’m lucky enough to have the friends that i do and that support me and cheer me up whenever i’m feeling down. now it’s time to thank everyone individually because you all deserve it,

@lickmybooty - abby!!! you are my favorite straight person on earth i swear. you are the kindest person and you are so funny and sweet and i love all of our moments talking about strange and hilarious tinder profiles and messages in the wee hours of the night. can’t forget about our rabbit sessions either those are always so fun shout-out lil meat

@bunnyteethies - BECCA!!! i love you so so so so much!!! i’ll forever be grateful for you creating the harrie gc and actually picking me to be in it. i’m so glad that you’re in my life and i consider you to be one of my best friends and one of the most special people i know. you are so giving of yourself and so loving of everyone. i would do anything for you and i hope you know that. you’re also one of the funniest people i know like some of the jokes you were making on rabbit the other night when we were reading bad imagines had me ROLLING. anyway ilysm and u r the loml

@rosepetalnails - angie i would die for you. you are so precious and kind and i’m so glad you messaged me that one night when i was driving back to texas after i was hyping you up telling you to post a selfie agdjdhdk i love how much you care for everyone and always have something nice to say and you never leave a message left unreplied (is that a word lmao) to. you always make me happy with every message you send and i can’t wait to meet you in july!!! also ur a fellow ziam and i love you so much for that agjdhejd

@biofthetimes - alex!! we haven’t ever talked personally but you presence in the harrie gc is so amazing. i love that you’re always awake at hours you shouldn’t be bc same and i also love your little stories about things that go on in you life like that time you met a fellow gay in the elevator (or lift since ur a brit) i think it was (yikes if i remembered the story wrong). anyway i love you and i hope you know that!!!

@magneticxclouds - avery!!! you are such a sweetie and so creative!! your happy pride picture today was so gorgeous i’m so happy to have a friend as talented as you!! i also love that you aren’t always super active in the gc so when you are it’s like a little treat like woohoo avery is here right now!! i love you!!

@ot4tat - bella my fave celebrity and cello player hjdjskdh you are such a cute talented little bub i would die for you. i still haven’t read your fic yet (hashtag fake fan) bc im prolonging my inevitable death but i know it’s wonderful and perfect. you were the first person i ever made a moodboard for and i loved it!! you got me to do something i had never done before and it was amazing!! i love you so much and i wish i had an inch of the talent you do, you’re going to do big things bella and i can’t wait to see how far you’ll go!!

@thefirstfloralsuit - brenda u are one of my faves. you are the only one in the gc that appreciates soggy cereal as much as i do agdjgdkd i can’t wait to meet you at the harry concert in july!! it’s going to be so fun and wild ilysm

@shesuchaneggplant - dany!!! another talented bub!! all of your art is so so so good!! you are always so nice and kind to everyone and i love all your little voice messages you are so cute. and you get to see harry tomorrow!!! i gotta finish this post soon before he kills you ahksis. i’m also gonna name you queen of the smut gc because you always pop off with smutty art at any given time and i love it. anyway, i love you so much dany and i’d die 4 u

@blueguccisparkles - emily!!! nice url btw ;) you are so cute and adorable and i love you so much you are so kind and lovely!!! i loved your promposal video so much omg it’s one of the cutest and funniest things i’ve ever seen. i’m super jealous you get to meet becca next year but i’m so excited for you too!! i hope y’all have an amazing time at the shawn concert omg!!! ilysm emily!!

@louissinginghome - baby em omg i would take a bullet for you. you’re one of my favorites babies of the gc. you’re so cute and so not afraid to be yourself and i aspire to be like that one day <3 i’m honestly at a loss of words to say what all i love about you you’re so special and amazing ilysm

@hsbunnyteeth - izzy bub i love you a lot and i love how excited you get about things especially taylor swift, she may not be my favorite person, but i love how happy she makes you. you deserve the world and all the love in it. you are such a sweetie and i love you so much

@freelouisankles - logan!!! your url is always a mood™️ i love you a lot and i’m happy you’re the mom of the gc you always give the best advice and are always so caring. i would also die for you and your pins omg also!!! chaco bffs!!! ilysm!!!

@cactustyles - mara aka queen of hontent. you are always so smart and helpful when someone asks a question in the gc and you’re also super calming to me for some reason? idk you just give me super chill vibes and i love that about you. i also live for all your selfies and work stories even if they aren’t always good lol ilysm mara!!!!

@sweaterpawslou - meg!!! omg i would die for you in a heartbeat you are such a ziam and i love it and you’re absolutely adorable and every reaction selfie you send is my favorite picture gah meg i love you so much idek what to say but i live for every time you say “hi lomls” it makes me so happy to see it!!! i love you lots and lots egg

@sparklehiddies - silvia!! iconic url wow. you are so kind, harrie alert, and also super funny i love you a lot and you’re my favorite streak i have on snapchat!!! we’re almost at a hundred which is insane!!! ilysm silvia!!

@thepinkvelvetprince - zahra i cannot tell you how long it took me to find your url oh my lord agdjgdkd u are my lemon bae rose queen and ilysm you are my fave sustainability queen as well and i’d die for u

i think that’s everyone in the gc (that’s active that i y’all to!!) if i missed you i’m so so so sorry and i love you a lot but i’m gay™️ and have a terrible memory!!!

anyway i love all of you so so much and i’ll always be super grateful for 1d for bringing us all together!! happy pride 🌈🌈🌈

[zephyroh]

i got you (please don’t let go of me)

it’s 4am again and im having feeling about jason scott again

Read on AO3

-----

There was something wrong.

Jason couldn’t put his finger on what, but there was something not right. He felt uneasy. Like his body was trying to tell him something. He was lying in his bed – his window always opened ever since the night at the mine in because his friends had taken the habit of coming to his room whenever they wanted, usually when they needed company or comfort.

He remembered the day Pearl was born - he looked at her with wonder in his eyes, holding her tightly in his arms. He heard her laugh, and saw stars in her eyes, and vowed to himself to be the best brother in the world. Just like in the movies. He had wanted to be a superhero for her, before actually becoming one. And now he had added four persons to protect in that oath. He was, in some ways, a big brother to his team – “more like the mom friend”, had said Zack laughing one day.

He usually felt them coming, before seeing them. In was an unshakable feeling in his body, in his bone, and when they were feeling bad, it was like something was out of place. Like something in the universe had shifted, was out of balance, and he couldn’t rest until he fixed it. Like those night after an argument with his father where Pearl came to his room crying because he didn’t want them to fight, and he couldn’t sleep before reassuring her. Going to sleep knowing his baby sister was unwell was impossible. Just like if one of his teammates was having a hard time.

This night was one of those night.

He felt like crying. He felt like he was suffocating. He wanted to scream at the world, but could only lie immobile, staring at the ceiling. He could only hear the soft sound of the wind gently passing through his curtains. The light of the moon was shielded by clouds, and the only other source of light was coming from his digital alarm clock on his night stand.

4:48, it read.

The silence was almost maddening.

He waited for the familiar sound of Kimberly’s heel hitting the frame of his window. Or a pebble hitting the wall because Zack found it hilarious to throw rocks at his window even though he knew it was open. Or the soft “You up?” that Trini whispered, always afraid to wake him up. Or the sound of metal and cable in Billy’s backpack when he didn’t want to work on a project alone.

But nothing came.

It was a month after they saved Angel Grove – or the world actually – and it was the tenth night he couldn’t sleep, not knowing why.

Some night he just couldn’t get asleep.

Some night he woke up soaking with sweat, bones trembling, dread in his heart, and a scream stuck in his throat.

 -----

“Jas, you need to close your eyes if you want sleep.”

Jason blinked three time, shaking his head. He looked at the coffee machine in front of him, who had already stopped pouring coffee into his mug two minutes ago, before shifting his gaze to the little human being beside him.

Pearl was standing next to him with wide open eyes and such an innocent look on her face he couldn’t help the found smile growing on his lips.

“Why are you saying that, P?” The girl frowned and pouted at the surname while Jason smirked. “I don’t wanna be pee!”, she had cried out, horrified, the first time he called her that – and he never did stop after because her reactions where adorable.

“You wasn’t moving, like when you sleep, but with your eyes open. You have to close them.”, she answered matter-of-factly. He let out an amused laugh as his heart swelled.

“Thank you, I’ll think of that next time.”

He smothered a yawn and rubbed his tired eyes. The day was going to be long, he thought as he brought the coffee mug to his lips.

 -----

He felt like he was functioning in slow motion. Even superhero powers didn’t compensate sleep deprivation. He almost arrived late for his first class after taking too much time to prepare in the morning, and cursed himself for missing his friends before class. They would usually gang up at Billy’s locker before going their own way.

He couldn’t concentrate. The only remaining seat when he arrived was the one by the window in one of the rows at the back of the class – the perfect spot to not listen one word of what the teacher was saying and just daydream. His chin in his hand, he started dozing off, regularly jerking awake when his brain was warning him he was falling asleep.

The guilt of not listening to the class – history, the only one he actually liked – started creeping on him. He just couldn’t wait for the day to be over. He hadn’t had such a horrible day since the Power Rangers thing. Before that, he was used to waking up hating everything, and endure the day until he could come back to bed. But he hadn’t feel this way again, until now. He was not thrilled to remembered was it was like.

After two hours of pure torture, he speeded out of he classroom, eager to join his teammates. He walked into the cafeteria, mentally insulting everyone. They were making so much goddamn noise. He was definitely too tired and not caffeinated enough to deal with that.

He quickly spotted his squad at their usual spot. He felt his mood lighten up was he saw Trini and Zack fighting over their food trails while Kim was smirking and throwing crumbs of bread at them, and Billy was carefully sorting his food by colors, probably occasionally commenting on how it would be physically impossible for Trini to fit an entire bus up Zack’s bottom, and therefore pointless to try or even threaten to.

He sat in front of him, automatically putting his apple on Billy’s trail. It was his favorite fruit, and Jason was always too happy to give up his just to see Billy excitedly clap his hands. Today however, Billy merely looked up to him and thanked him, giving him a small smile, before returning to his food. Jason didn’t miss the dark circle under his eyes, and understood that he wasn’t the only one with sleep problems.

He frowned and his body only tensed more. The feeling of the night before, shaking his bones to the core, was back.

“You alright, farmboy?” Jason slightly rolled his eyes at Trini’s nickname she found for him after he told them the whole story about the cow in the locker. “You do dress up a bit like Clark Kent”, she had argued.

He felt his heart warm up at the sight of four concerned looks directed at him when he lifted his head from his food.

“Didn’t get much sleep last night, but I’ll be fine”, he answered with a tired smile. They nodded in agreement, and Trini gave him an understanding smile, looking at him intensely like she was trying to communicate with him telepathically. “I feel you”, he though she was trying to say. He nodded back, knowing it was her own way of expressing herself. Not with words, but it was just as well.

He felt kind of guilty for worrying them. He was used to be the one worrying about them. He liked that role, he wanted to care of them, and hated feeling this low and miserable.

The sound of the school bell felt like a blow in the stomach. Here we go again, for four more hours. While the others started hurryingly picking up their stuff, Jason was feeling out of it. Like in another dimension, like he was out of tune with the world. There but not quite there. He forced himself to move, trying to keep up with the rest of the student body. He saw Zack waving and blowing kisses at them, heading for the exit, and Jason knew he had decided to skip class today. Kim was teasing Trini, pulling down her beanie on her eyes as the tiny girl was feigning being mad, while they were headed to their Biology class.

Without even thinking about it, he launched himself forward, elbowing a few students as he spotted the back of Billy’s head in the crowd. He caught up to him as Billy was opening his locker. Jason smiled at the sight of the inside of it. Pictures of the five of them together, a flyer of Krispy Kreme, five tiny dinosaurs toy and carefully scotched in the back, a crumbled-up piece of paper reading “we should start a band”.

“Are you alright, Billy? You look as tired as me, and that’s not good news.”

“Jason.”, the boy acknowledges him, looking at him straight in the eyes. Jason wondered if it was the lack of sleep or the amount of caffeine he had ingested, but his heart twitched at this moment. “I’m just having a few nightmares recently. Of Rita… but it’s alright, I’m okay.”

The red ranger suddenly felt powerless at the sight of Billy’s tired – and somewhat resigned – smile. Jason wished so hard he could make all his problems go away, because Billy Cranston should never feel sad about anything in his life, ever. He was too good for this shitty world, and Jason wanted so much to protect him from it.

Billy seemed to notice the former quarterback’s sorrow, because before Jason could register what was happening, Billy was ruffling his hair.

Everything seemed to stop for Jason, even his heart. He only managed to tilt his head to the side with a questioning look on his faces, mouth half open but not trusting his vocal cords to actually be able to function at this moment.

Then Billy smiled his pure, angel-like smile, and everything momentarily felt right in the world.

“I’m cheering you up!”, he explained. “Kim does that to me when I’m feeling low, so I’m doing it to you. Zack usually makes a lot of bad jokes and then explains them to me, but I don’t know as many as him, and you know I’m not really good at jokes anyway. And Trini, she brings me food, but I don’t have any snacks on me. Besides, we just ate so it would be pointless to give you more food right now. Should have I not done that?” Billy suddenly looked worried, like he made a mistake – he was always too self-conscious even around the team, always afraid to be “weird”, as if the squad would ever feel weirded out by him.

Jason immediately snapped out of his dazed state to reassure the boy. “No! No, no absolutely not, I- it was good- well, it’s alright. You did good. It worked”, he stuttered, and it never felt this complicated to get coherent words out of his mouth.

Billy shot him a glowing smile, exuding pride because he managed to lighten up Jason’s mood, and the red ranger felt like he could breathe a little bit better, and the world was a little more colorful than this morning.

 -----

Jason stared at the sharp, red inked letter in front of him. He stared so long it felt like the letter was floating on the blank piece of the page he was holding.

He blinked. And blinked again. And stupidly pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, and regretted it immediately afterwards. He tended to forget about his superhero strength from time to time.

The classroom was buzzing around him, student putting their books in their bag, pulling chairs, talking and laughing loudly. But Jason couldn’t move.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and lifted his head to see his teacher looking at him with a small smile.

“I’m proud of you, Jason. You really did improve. Keep up the good work.”

His eyes dropped again at the paper.

He got an A. At a math test. Him. Jason Scott. Jason Scott, who was only good at football. Jason Scott, whom only shot at having a future was a sport scholarship at a local university. Jason Scott who was constantly failing his class, and felt to depressed to even try to study. Jason freaking Scott.

He had to show it to the team.

They were all pretty good students, even Zack when he bothered to show up, and prepared a study plan for Jason when he told them, ashamed, that he wasn’t even sure he’d graduate. Without question nor his opinion on the matter, they immediately organized study sessions in between training sessions, and before long, Jason learned the pleasure of learning.

Trini helped him mostly in English, but never with the others present. She just showed up one day in his room with the reading assignment of the semester in her hands. And after an hour, Jason learned that Trini loved literature and poetry – she actually wrote some, but threatened to slit his throat if he ever mentioned it to the others, especially Kimberly who would never stop teasing her about it, and Jason still remembered the feeling of fright in his heart in front of her dead serious face. He never heard her talk as much as when she was passionately explaining the meaning of some obscure figure of style the author of the book used, and why he used it. “It’s easier to express fictional people’s feelings than my own.”, she admitted once.

Zack’s subject of predilection was physics, and he liked to dress up as old famous physician as he was moving around, his arms flipping around, talking with animation trying to explain the laws of physics to Jason, occasionally throwing apples at his head screaming “Eureka!”.

For biology it was Kim who was his assigned tutor. She wasn’t much of a pedagogue, but she had a way of vulgarizing complex mechanism about DNA and cells with simple words that made sense to Jason. They actually both hated it, but going through it together made things better and easier.

As for math… It has always been Jason’s worst nightmare. His parents had tried to get him private lesson before giving up, seeing that there was no results. Not matter how hard he tried, how long he could tire his eyes on an exercise, nothing made sense to him.

But then Billy came along. It came so naturally to the boy, he made it look easy. And the blue ranger loved that he could monologue as long as he wanted about math, Jason would never complain. When Billy noticed there was something Jason wasn’t getting, he tried to explain it in another way, and in another if it was still not enough, again and again until Jason understood. Step by step, Jason started to catch up on his lacunas, and God knew there was a long way to go.

Until this day. Because this day, his efforts were rewarded, and he owed it all to his friends.

He jolted out of his seat, suddenly filled with energy. He almost ran up the hallway leading to Billy’s locker, which Zack was already leaning against. He strode swiftly to reach up the boys and planted himself in front of Billy.

“I’m going to hug you now.”, he announced. “Is that okay?”

Billy nodded, a bit surprised and confused, but relaxed as soon as he felt Jason arms around him. Jason knew he was still getting used to physical contact. The red ranger tilted his head to press Billy’s body even harder against him and his nose ended up grazing the boy’s neck for a slipt of a second. As he felt Billy shudder, he released his grasp, fearing that it was too much for Billy. But as they separated, the other boy seemed fine, even happy if not still confused.

Jason realized he was staring a bit too long at Billy’s dark brown eyes when Zack’s voice startled him.

“Hey, man, I want some love too!”, he joked, and Jason hoped he didn’t notice the redness of his cheeks. “Why so sappy?”.

Jason brandished the paper he was still holding in his hand, harboring a proud smile. As Zack took in the information, a similar smile appeared on his lips.

“Yeah, that’s awesome dude! You’re a genius now”. He put his arms around Jason for a quick hug, patting firmly the red ranger’s back.

A confused Billy appeared near Zack, countersigning his neck to look at the paper, and his eyes grew wide with excitement when the saw the “A” at the top of the paper. He started hoping around, clapping his hand and laughing excitedly.

“Something to celebrate?” Kim’s voice came from behind Jason. He spun on his heels, with a wide grin still on his face as her and Trini – the two always looked like they were joined by the hip – raised their eyebrows.

He answered simply,

“Billy turned me into a math genius!”

 -----

Jason sighed heavily. Then let out a groan. Then slammed his fit against his mattress out of frustration.

3:27. The glowing, dimmed light of his alarmed clock seemed to be mocking him.

He felt the impulse to throw it against the wall, then decided against it out of fear of waking up his little sister. But he just wanted to break something.

Exhaling slowly, he tried to relax his fist, then the muscles of his forearms, then his entire body. He concentrated as he remembered Trini’s words when she was teaching him yoga one night, at the top of a cliff near the mine.

“Focus on your breathing and the beating of your heart. The more you think about that, the less you think about everything else.”

After what felt like an eternity, Jason noticed his mind had already started to wander off, and he felt himself giving up. Shooting a glance at the time, a deep sense of despair crushed him as his saw the red numbers.

3:51.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

He clenched his jaw and pressed his palm against his forehead where drips of sweat were starting to form.

Instinctively, he took his phone, which was resting on the nightstand, in his hand. He paused for a second, staring at the numerous apps on the screen – which was at the lowest setting of luminosity but still hurt his eyes – decided what he wanted to do.

Trying to ignore the feeling carved in his gut, he opened his text messages. Without thinking, he just followed his impulse, and tapped on one of the conversation.

“Hey, you up?”

After five minutes of silence from his phone, he stared at the name of the contact one last time. Billy Boy.

He felt empty as he put down the phone next to him, then turned around in his bed.

 -----

When he woke up, tears were burning his eyes, and he didn’t know if his heart was crushed in his chest or if he wanted to rip it out of his ribcage himself.

It took him three whole minutes for his limbs to stop shaking, and five for the sobbing to cease.

Even though he was sure he knew exactly why he was crying when he woke up, the memories were already starting to fade away. The feeling of frustration was almost too unbearable.

Blue lips. A still body, too still. Rigid. Numbness. Clouns in his mind.

He clenched his eyes shut just and let out a whimper.

Weight in his arms. A loud thump on wood. Rope gliding through metal.

Tears were running down his face again and he hugged his knees tightly against his chest.

Electricity. The rope stopping abruptly. Opened eyes, but a blank, lifeless look.

Jason buried his head in his arms.

Billy was alright. Billy was alive. It was just a nightmare. Billy was fine. Billy was alive.

He repeated those words like a mantra In his head until his body finally calmed down.

The clock was now reading 5:05.

Wiping his tears with the blanket, he mechanically reached out for his phone again. His heart skipped a bit when he pressed the button to light up his screen. Billy Boy.

He fumbled on his phone, trying to unlock it as fast as he could.

“Yes, bad dream again ☹ Why? Everything alright?” Send forty-five minutes after his own text. He cursed himself for having missed it, for not having been there for Billy when he woke up from his own nightmare.

“I just couldn’t sleep…”, he texted back. As he was hesitating to elaborate, to explain that his first instinct was to reach out to Billy, the sight of three jumping dots made his heart race. Before he could do anything – strangely his first impulse was to throw the phone away – another text popped up.

“Seems like you still can’t :p”, immediately followed by the dots again. Jason waited patiently, smiling softly at the emojis Billy loved to use and sometimes, overuse.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to be mean. It sounded mean. I was thinking: “what would Zack say in this situation?” Was it mean?”

“It’s alright, don’t worry 😊  I had a nightmare too, just woke up.”, he replied.

He suddenly felt a little bit better, imagining Billy’s rambling voice in his head. Relaxing, he waited again while Billy was typing… only to nearly choke on his saliva when the words appeared in front of his eyes.

“Maybe next time we should sleep together!”

Jason froze on the spot, forgetting to even breathe and he read the text three times to make sure his eyes were not playing games with him.

“That way we won’t be alone having bad dreams :p”

Air slithered back into his lungs, and Jason refused to acknowledge to himself that he was blushing.

And this moment, the thoughts keeping him from sleeping were all kind of different from the ones before.

 -----

Jason mentally cursed himself when he greeted Billy and a blush crept onto his face ; Billy didn’t make it any easier for the red ranger when he didn’t stop when approaching Jason, and rather wrapped his arms around him. He only had his reflex to thank when he reciprocated the hug on auto-pilot, because his mind was racing, and his body was feeling too much all at once.

“Wh-what that for?”, Jason managed to get out, trying his best not to sound weird – and probably failing.

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday. I actually did sleep much better after we talked, or rather texted. Well, even though it was for a short time because it was early. But I feel better than yesterday.”, Billy exclaimed, smiling happily. “Jason, are you okay? You look weird? Did you not sleep at all after?”.

“Yeah, no, I did actually. I’m-“. He shifted awkwardly on his feet, clearing his throat, avoiding Billy’s eyes as he pushed back the thoughts he had this morning in the back of his mind. “I’m good.”, he added, finally meeting his friend gaze.

Then without thinking, Jason saw his hand raise itself to land on Billy’s head, gently ruffling the boy’s hair. Realizing what he was doing, Jason froze as his eyes widened. He was starting to positively panic when Billy merely tilted his head, confused look on his face, not embarrassed in the least.

“Don’t worry, I’m not sad, Jason. I just told you, I’m really feeling better.”

 -----

“Okay, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting off for a couple of days now.”

Jason jumped in his seat as a pile a book loudly landed on the table, right in front of him. Kim promptly dropped herself unceremoniously in the seat next to him, crossing her arms, a serious yet concerned look on her face.

Jason sighed. He knew pretending would be useless with Kimberly. She was too perceptive for that.

“I- I don’t know actually.”, he answered, waving his arms around to illustrate his words. “I’m just either having horrible nightmares or I have insomnias.”

He turned to face her and was surprised to meet a raised, unimpressed eyebrow. She was expecting something else. She blankly started at him as seconds passed by, apparently not intending to speak, nor letting him off the hook.

“… Okay fine, there’s maybe something else.” A satisfied smirk grew on her lips. He cursed her under his breath. “Never become a shrink, you’d be horrible.”

He swallowed his saliva with difficulty, trying to make sense of the turmoil in his mind.

“I’m having weird feelings… about Billy.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulder. Like the blinds were suddenly opening in a dark room and light was coming through. Like a dam had just exploded and water was flowing through. “I keep seeing him dead in my dream, Kim. I just can’t erase the imagine of him just- lying there, on the dock, not breathing. So, when we’re together, I just- It’s like I constantly want to make sure he’s alive, that’s he’s here with us. I’m always catching myself looking him out, like when I walk into a room I automatically look for him. It’s like I don’t want to get him out of my sight. Wow, that’s sounded creepy, didn’t it? But then, there’s sometimes the way he smiles to me, or talks to me, or looks at me, or just is- It’s weird, I don’t know how to describe the feeling…”

The words kept pouring out of his lips like he couldn’t stop them. Kim’s simple, knowing smile made him feel better, and something in her eyes just made him realize. It dawned on him harder than the train hit them that night.

“Is that- Is that how you feel about Trini?”

And the pink ranger simply nods, smiling ever so calmly. She didn’t say a word, and didn’t have to. Jason just had to figure it out by himself, he just needed a push.

He just sat there a while, mouth opened and jaw hanging low – he knew he probably looked like an idiot but there was too much on his mind for him to care. After a while, Kim finally spoke out, putting a gently hand on his arms, squeezing it.

“You almost lost him. Well, you actually did lose him for a while. It’s normal if you’re a mess. It’s okay. Just talk to him about it.

And that was just about the most terrifying thing he’d ever heard.

 -----

Jason couldn’t sleep.

Again.

But this time was different. He was just restless, thinking, pacing around his room, sometimes picking up his phone, staring at it for a second before putting it down. And repeating the process all over again.

He had to jump off the cliff. He had to talk to Billy. But it was easier to agree with Kim than to actually do it.

He sat on his bed with vigor, taking a deep breath, taking the small object into his hand. His heart throbbing in his chest, he looked intensely at the black screen… which lighted up as the phone vibrated.

Billy Boy.

As panic ran through his veins; he let out a shrill scream and impulsively throwed his phone on the pillows across the bed.

Rolling his eyes at his own reaction, he picked up the phone again to answer the text.

“I’m afraid to fall asleep. Can I come over?”

Once again, Jason froze. Then laughed nervously. And started to hyperventilate a bit.

As his fingered were slightly trembling, he typed “Of course, the window is always open!”, trying to figure out if it sounded chill enough.

He was actively trying to calm his heart beating loudly in his chest when Billy came through the window, landing carefully next to Jason’s bed – who couldn’t hold a found smile when he saw Billy’s batman pajamas.

The blue ranger put down his bag before hoping into Jason’s bed, immediately rolling the covers around him. He breathed in deeply before casually saying “Thank you, Jason. Your smell always calms me down. That’s why I take some of your shirts sometimes. But I’ll give them back, I’m not a thief don’t worry. “

Jason wondered if Billy was in fact actively trying to kill him, or if he was just oblivious to the effect he had on the red ranger. He also wondered if the boy could see, despite the darkness, that he was as red as his armor in this very moment.

“Of course, anytime you need”, and his voice sounded a bit off to his ears.

As Billy was making himself comfortable, Jason thought he was never going to get sleep. And at his grand surprise, he actually did start to feel himself slip into slumber when he closed his eyes, feeling the heat emanating from Billy’s body next to him, listening to the boy’s calm breathing, his own body relaxing.

 -----

It was either the hands shaking his shoulder or the voice in his ears that woke up him.

He had that same feeling of panic in his chest than that night.

He was covered in sweat, body shaking and he felt the cold air hitting his damped cheeks. But then…

Warms palm running through his back, his forearms. A soft voice whispering calming words. Then hands on his hair, across his cheeks, and on his back again.

“It’s okay, Jason. It was just a dream. I’m here. I’m right here.”

Jason’s body relaxed all at once, crashing against Billy who reaffirmed his grip to a just at the sudden weight. Jason’s head landed on the boy’s shoulder, his nose grazing lightly Billy’s neck. And at this moment, in this position, he absolutely understood was Billy was saying about comforting smell.

“You kept calling me in your sleep. And then you started to get agitated.”

“You were dead.”, Jason said simply. His tone was grave, heavy with a sob that was about to burst.

‘You were dead.”, he repeated, as tears started to form at the corner of his eyes, shoulders shaking abruptly.

“I just- I don’t know how to deal with that.”

Billy squeezed his arms around Jason, holding him even closer. He took Jason’s wrist, placing it against his torso, against his heart which rhythm was as fast paced as Jason’s.

“But I came back. You brought me back. And I’m here, Jason. I’m here with you, right now.”

He could feel Billy’s breath against his cheeks as the boy was pressing his forehead against Jason’s temple. The thumb of Billy’s hand was gently caressing Jason’s, still placed against the blue ranger’s torso. Jason’s adjusted his position to that his forehead rested against Billy and lifted his chin a bit. His fingers pressed harder against the other boy’s chest, digging into the flesh.

“It was so horrible…”. His voice cracked and Billy answered by squeezing him ever harder.

“Let it out, Jason. It’s okay. I got you.”, he whispered against Jason’s lips.

Jason’s heart exploded at those words, and as their lips met, the universe seemed balanced again.

[comicteaparty]

March 25th-March 31st, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from March 25th, 2019 to March 31st, 2019.  The chat focused on Tamberlane by Caytlin Vilbrandt.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Tamberlane by Caytlin Vilbrandt~! (https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until March 31st to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. Where do you think Tamberlane is from? Is she from Abroad as some characters have suggested? What do you think Tamberlane’s past history is? Last, what do you think will happen when Tamberlane’s origins are uncovered?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Yay! Hi all! I can't wait to talk about Tamberlane with you!

I'll add my answers to the discussion when I'm more awake =w=

Delphina

I remember reading the first chapter of Tamberlane once upon a time; so happy to have the opportunity to catch up again and see where it's gone!

I love just about every scene with Oakewood or Piper because they're both hilarious, but this one probably wins for me. He's such a good reverse psychology grandpa. https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-94/

Close second is Piper's brilliant plan because I am also a saleswoman at heart: https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-110/

Delphina

All signs definitely point to the idea that Tamberlane is from Abroad, and I'm very curious about what's so scary about it. (My guess is that it's the world of Humans and animal-types get treated like animals there, which would explain their fears). From the conversation with Tagg and Danger, I suspect there's internal conflict in the land of Abroad (a plague? a war?), and Tamberlane was sent out baby-on-the-river-style by a well-meaning mom that wanted her to have a better life. Tamberlane seems to be good at making friends, though, so I think even if they confirm that she's from Abroad, the community will still accept and protect her. It very much feels like "it takes a village to raise a child" is a big central theme in this comic.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oooh, that's an interesting theory!

I definitely wanted to explore It Takes a Village in this story for sure

I didn't grow up in any tight-knit neighborhoods and our distant family was either extra distant or just not close emotionally, so I don't really know what that kind of mentality is like on a personal level. I wanted to see what I could figure out with a story like that. :3

As for MY answers......:3c 1. My favorite scene in the comic so far is probably still this one dang page because it came out exactly like I wanted it to in my head.

2. Obviously I can't comment much on this due to spoilers, but I do think when her origins come to light, people are gonna flip their dang lids. :3

Delphina

I think you did a really good job of conveying a close, loving community! I can tell even between minor characters there's a lot of kindness and support in this setting and it's very refreshing to read!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Yaaaay :D

I know for a little bit early on in the writing, I was planning a more contentious environment around Belfry ("what a hassle") but then was like, who wants to read that? Not me. Screw that, lol

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. Why do you think Follybrook is held in such low disregard? Who exactly are the creatures who occupy Follybrook? Also, what do you make of the rumors that Follybrook residents are disappearing because of something happening Abroad?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Hmmm, my favorite character is hard to choose. I love them all. But right now, I'd say probably Belfry. She tries so hard, and she didn't get a lot of spotlight in Chapter 3, and I really want to do more interaction with her and Tamberlane in Chapter 4.

As for Follybrook... :3

varethane

I like Briar! Something about her combination of moodiness and compassion just gets me, haha

Delphina

Briar is an MVP for sure

varethane

Oakewood and Piper are second (I'm really enjoying watching Oakewood pretend he doesn't actually CARE about Tamberlane, he's just studying! It's not parenting, nope)

(Piper because she is a hilarious troll)

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Briar has a special place in my heart for sure! She's me when I was 13, lmao. Though, a little more confrontational than I was XD

varethane

I dunno about Follybrook, though I get the impression it's closer to Abroad than Treehollow is? Which I guess might be why it's being affected first by whatever's happening out there.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

You are correct! Follybrook is on the "border" of Abroad. Sort of the last gasp of civilization so to speak.

varethane

(yess)

Nanners

Oh damn, was not expecting lore when I popped into this channel

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Mwahahaha

Delphina

Belfry is definitely a sweetie, but I feel like I need to see her not in crisis and/or mom mode to really connect with who she is and what she's about. I'm looking forward to more stuff with her in Chapter 4 and the scenes with her and Tamberlane are always very sweet, but I'd also like to see more of who she is as an individual when she's not being defined by her relationship to others.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

That is a good thing to note!

varethane

same, re: Belfry

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

-scribbles notes- All I'd heard so far from folks was wanting more scenes with her and Tam, so that's a good thing for me to think about going forward!

Delphina

Oakewood is probably my favorite too because he's clearly got this "big fish in a small pond" sort of wisdom and crusty outside/softie inside personality that's just perfect. I'm looking forward to how Milo's introduction might accent or challenge that.

(Also does Milo have a pet moth because I want 40) https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-125/

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

He totally does

A big ol fluffy moth named Sophie

Delphina

Awwwwww, Sophie looks so soft!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Since he's a cameo, in the reference character that was provided, he actually had a pet spider!

But I decided I did not want to stare at reference photos up close of a spider

So Sophie became a moth XD

Delphina

Oooooh

varethane

oooo

RebelVampire

1) my favorite scene is probably the one where tamberlane tries to help the crow guy and the crow guy goes all prejudiced. and then oakewood swoops in and calls her his grandaughter and yells at the guy. i like seeing tamberlane still trying to be helpful, but i also like oakewood way more clearly defining their relationship cause that opens up a whole new can of worms and kind of adds some vulnerability to him. also, has a great ending where milo comments on this and oakewood tells him to shut up XD https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-140/ 2) i think Abroad has been mentioned way too much for Tamberlane to not be from aborad. This is not to mention a) they don't know what a human is and b) they seem relatively unfamiliar whats going on in Aborad land. So i mean, all the clues only point to one place. unlike @Delphina , im actually assuming a darker route. cause tamberlane seems kind of neglected so im not sure this is a situation of well meaning mom. more like mom who might of tried and gave up. im also less optimistic about ppl saying its fine tamberlane is from abroad. cause there seems to be a lot of built up prejudice there and man, idk. prejudice is hard to just flip at the turn of a hat.

Delphina

But yeah, if Follybrook is super-close to Abroad, then that sorta explains why the villagers treat them as social pariahs more than "those kids with their piercings and bad attitudes who are only let in once a year". The big drama in which Tess revealed that if Belfry went there for even a GOOD reason like trying to care for Tamberlane, she'd be full-out exiled was pretty shocking. Because yeah, if Abroad was simply dangerous and full of monsters, I can't imagine why it would be wrong or bad to come back; the big fear would be that you WOULDN'T come back. It seems like Abroad almost has a demonic/evil status in their minds and that they believe (rightly or wrongly) ANY contact would fundamentally change a person or attract something bad. I just struggle with the fact that if Abroad has so much mindshare in the fabric of their society, and if Tamberlane (and maybe all humans) are from there, absolutely nobody what a human looks like or have any stories that might help them identify Tamberlane as one? If there was something big and scary that I was to stay away from at all costs, I'd want to know what it looked like.

RebelVampire

3) my favorite character is definitely oakewood bar none. i am a sucker for grumpy guys. but i especially like oakewood cause hes not the stereotypical grumpy guy. cause usually old grump guys are the most prejudiced. but in this case oakewood is actually the more forward thinking of the bunch. when everyone else was telling belfry to just abandon tamberlane hes just like "nah come live with me." and then tolerates her clumsiness and all that jazz. its great contrast that plays on expectations and i love it. 4) I assume the creature occupying follybrook are just regular creatures. but ya know, prejudice and all that. which i think the comic does a good job of showing through example how prejudice works. all the characters weve known seem to have this fear and sort of "they're different think" about them. so as a reader you cant help but think "oh they must be different" even tho that might not necessarily be the case. As for the rumors, I assume theyre based on truth. Maybe some secret slave ring or something. Though not sure what it has to do with what might be going on in abroad.

yeah you make a good point @Delphina . for a place they seem to hate so much its just flat out exile, they dont seem to know much about it. or at least anything that theyre willing to talk about yet. which its strange even follybook folks who are closer are just kind of vague about what they know of abroad

Nanners

Hey @Caytlin (Tamberlane) , you mentioned that you spent a lot of time making the bartering system. Tell us about it!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

I can say, at least, that a lot of these topics will be broached in Chapter 4! :3 I can't wait to see reactions, haha

AS FOR BARTER! Oh god the barter system. I read some novels, did some research on different kinds of monetary systems. The world of Tamberlane is sort of a socialist utopia where folks' basic needs are taken care of and the town bands together to care for each other. You do work for the town, the town does work for you. So there's not a lot of, like, "how much does this cost" so much as "what of my work can I trade you"

Which! Let me just say, I have a HELL of a time trying to write and get that across

If I did it over, they'd just have a dang money system lmao

Nanners

I dunno, it makes sense that a small town would work on a trade and favor system. I live in a tiny neighborhood in the country, and things tend to work like that

A side quest economy, essentially

TimmoWarner

This isn't story related (or only tangentally), but I love seeing the groups of pallette changes when you look at all the pages in a grid on the archive.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oh yeah it totally makes sense! It's a good story decision! It's just difficult to get across narratively and causes more confusion than it helps when it comes to telling a story

Also :'D Thanks Timmo!! I really enjoy having different palettes for different scenes!

Folks are just more used to parsing "I bet you five bucks" rather than "I bet you six months of library research"

Nanners

I bet you 15 pounds of pickled beets

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

It's much easier when you have a good like that, yeah! Trying to figure out what Oakewood would offer was tough XD

Nanners

Does scowling count as a good or service?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

It's like a kissing booth!

But it's a scowling booth

2 pence per scowl

TimmoWarner

Oakewood offers access to the "good" books in the back room.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

"Y'like that, do ya? Yeah?" "Oakewood... this is a book about gardening" "THE BEST BOOK ABOUT GARDENING, THANK YOU"

TimmoWarner

Exactly.

Nanners

Is it cannon that Oakewood's a good DM?

Delphina

I would totally play DND with Oakewood

He would totally murder the party though

Nanners

What class would everyone be?

Milo as a wizard, obviously

Henry as a paladin

Belfry cleric?

Delphina

(Except she keeps rolling critical fails?)

Nanners

Constantly rolls low on cure wounds

Delphina

-7 Dexterity

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oh oh I was thinking about this recently lol!

Tess is a Barb for sure

Belfry might be a wild magic sorcerer lmao

I totally can see Oake as the DM though yeah LOL

Delphina

Oake would be constantly complaining about all the weird stuff the players do.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

"Rrrrr, another five minute break, I DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS."

TimmoWarner

So... the climax is the coyote character was right all along?

I thought... we'd fight a monster or something.

"Why would you want to fight a monster?!"

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

LOL

"The real monster was your stubborn refusal to accept the truth all along"

TimmoWarner

Haha

(Though I suspect Oakewood actually likes swashbuckling stories.)

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

He does; he also likes romance

He's a cranky old softy

TimmoWarner

I think I knew about the romance.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Yeah, that was one of the first character Q&A comics

Delphina

I can definitely see him taking a stance of fictional relationships being so much better than real ones because when you're done with them you can put them on the shelf.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Lol! Omg so true

darch

It's late, but I just found out about this, so some thoughts until I get to be around when other people get to be around.

(1) My favorite page is definitely page 81. Because (a) the punch line is fantastic, (b) it lands right in the middle of a really emotional scene without undercutting the emotion even a bit, and (c) it is the most perfect summation of the Belfry Existential Dilemma, which is made up of two parts: (i) you can't mess this up and (ii) you are going to mess this up. Magnificent.

(2) Tamberlane is from the future. Obviously.

(3) With apologies to all of the well-realized and multi-faceted characters at play in this story, Sophie is and shall always be my one true love because SHE IS SO FLUFFY AND I LOVE HER. My opinion is extremely biased; Milo is my cameo (though not my Cameo cameo, that would be weird) and worth it just for the fluffbug sidekick.

darch

Milo was original a My Little Pony character of mine, and I continue to think that having a spider sidekick is great. For a look at Midnight Sun and Sophie before they were translated to the Tamberverse, have a look at [cw and spoiler because spider]

SPOILER

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ff7o7k5jda5pfgo/midnight-sun-the-adventurer.png?raw=1 (that art also by Caytlin).

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. What do you believe happened to Belfry’s biological parents? How might Belfry’s abandonment issues regarding them play a role in how she raises Tamberlane (both positively and negatively)?

RebelVampire

5) okay. ill fully admit this is not the most epic illustration i could pick, but i really love this full body of tamberlane on this page https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-100/ tamberlane was always cute, but this is the one where my heart was stolen. like everything about her look is precious and makes you want to snuggle and protect her till the end of days. and i also like how contrasting it is to how she was before, so even without words you can tell time has passed and growth has occured and i really like. 6) Honestly, I think theyre imprisoned some how. But tbf i ironically want them to be alive and fine and showcase its the fact they were auto exiled thats the problem. And that they couldve been with belfry at any time but nope, rules and prejudice and such. but thats just my headcanon. I'm more interested in how itll affect how belfry raises tamberlane, and in a lot of senses i think its going to be a negative impact. like i feel belfry is kind of obsessed with making sure tamberlane feels loved and accepted. and while on the surface that sounds great, what happens if she has to punish tamberlane severely? is she going to panic tamberlane not feel loved and not do it? is it going to be lighter than it should? belfry already showed when she took in tamberlane that shes hyper conscious about her abandonment, and i dont think tamberlane alone is gonna make that hyperconsciousness about it go away. but on the otherhand, maybe by association others will confront belfry and make her talk about her feelings.

lonelytuatara

to reiterate what i said in the general webcomic chat: i only just started reading and the art is soo pretty!!

lonelytuatara

continuing to read: belfry pulling the pie out of the oven without mitts..... child.........

darch

She is a problem.

lonelytuatara

:O the "ghost"!!!!

lonelytuatara

"congratulations, it's a swamp monster" made me chuckle

lonelytuatara

got to page 100! tamberlane's lil pigtails are adorable

lonelytuatara

all the way caught up now! i really liked the comic and i'm excited to continue following it!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Aaaa yay :'D I'm glad you're enjoying it!!!

lonelytuatara

i'm gonna let it sink in for a bit before i go to answer the book club questions, but overall I found it a enjoyable mix of comforting and intriguing! im always glad to find stories where trans and nonbinary characters are treated as just a normal part of society

darch

There are many things to like about Tamberlane. The gorgeous art and casual representation are high on that list for me.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

./)//w//(\

I will get around to answering the latest q's in a bit. I'm pretty wiped out today =w=;;; but! I am super happy people are enjoying the comic and convo :'D

Rebel, you made a great point about how Belfry obsesses over Tamberlane. I love it.

anonus

Hi

Tamberlane is a beautiful comic

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Thank you! :D

kayotics

so, i just started, like... 10 minutes ago so I'm not very far, but the art is extremely cute and i love the expressions and colors. Really great shapes on all the characters. the main strokes of each character's personality is painted straight away in a really strong way, too

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oh my gosh, thank you >u<;;; I'm so glad

anonus

@Caytlin (Tamberlane) so, um, how did you come up with the idea for Tamberlane?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

So! I had spent a couple of years trying to write a comic and was just writing myself in circles and running into walls. Finally I got really fed up with not having a project so I said, FINE, next story idea to come into my head, I'M JUST GONNA DO IT. And then during D&D the next week I was doodling creatures and I drew Belfry and Oakewood and was like Ooo I like them. Then I drew Tamberlane's previous form, a little dragon, and was like oh hey they're taking care of an unknown creature, that's fun! And then I was like, actually a little dragon is not weird enough to set her apart from a buncha animals ... Oh hey what about if she's human?? And within a month I had started the comic haha

I wanted to challenge myself to do a project where I allowed myself to make mistakes and not be perfect and not worldbuild myself into a pit

varethane

I think that's pretty important, is the willingness to be flexible and play around

with longform webcomics, when it takes so long to make something, and you're working on the same story for years..... people grow as creators, and as people, and develop different tastes and learn things..... and it'd be a shame to not be able to express that if you're stuck to the same script you wrote 5 years ago, lol

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Exactly!! When you think about like every longform webcomic taking like at least 5 years ... there's not a lot of years where you can be creating compared to the number of stories in your head.

And I really just wanted to make something and get my hands dirty. So it's been a really interesting experience, half following a plan and half throwing it out the window lol!

varethane

for what it's worth, from a reader's perspective, it flows very nicely

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Thank goodness, haha! I always worry. XD

anonus

yeah it definitely flows nicely

also I've never played D&D

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

D&D is a lot of fun with the right group! And endlessly frustrating with the wrong one. XD But if you end up having a group of friends online or off, it's totally worth trying it out!

anonus

I do have lots of online friends! Don't get out enough offline at the moment though

also what inspired you to become an artist

stubat

Hi, all! just spotted the invite. Busy bat. Love Tamberlane!

I'll try to catch up with you all tomorrow evening, if I get a chance. Midnite now, kinda slow and I've got work in the morning. Belfry forever!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. What has been your favorite moment in regards to how Tamberlane has been accepted or not accepted in Treehollow? What about it made the moment emotionally compelling and what should we take away from it in regards to discrimination and acceptance?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Heeeey Stubat! <3

5. My favorite illustrations seem to be a rotating toss up of Belfry & Tam in the sunrise, Oakewood walking along the docks with Piper/Anthony/Tamberlane at sunrise, and the full shot of the Library at night(edited)

6. :3c(edited)

7. I really enjoy writing Briar and Belfry interacting. Small factoid that I don't think will ever be revealed in the story: the bulky blue and white scarf she's been wearing this chapter is one Belfry knitted for her (poorly). It's knotty and has a lot of gaps, but it was a work of love, and Briar wore it because 1) she loves it and she loves Belfry no matter what, and 2) sort of as a good luck token for Tess and Bel to make up.

Oh super belatedly, another thing about Follybrook: I LOVED that a lot of readers jumped to the conclusion that they were Othered because they were punky/bad tempered/non-binary. And then I loved watching them come to the realization that there were a lot of characters in Treehollow that fit those descriptions so it had to be something else. I think someone specifically called it out as an allegory for trans people, and then a couple readers mentioned Marie and they were like ... oh huh, hm.

I like making people think lol!

8. Hmm, I think I like the interaction with Leon, the grumpy crow. It was a scene that was written late in the game (like, during the scene before lol!) and I put up an auction for Leon's cameo slot. I really enjoyed being able to pack in a lot of underlying meaning to the interaction, and remind readers that Tamberlane's transition to creature society is not as smooth or effortless as it's seemed.

Plus, yeah, deciding on a whim to have Oakewood call her his granddaughter and out himself and his feelings was fun :3

Delphina

There are SO MANY cute/loving character interactions, but I think when Briar is relaying her mom's message to Belfry really stood out to me because of how much she clearly cares and how torn she is in the middle of their conflict.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. Which of the parents did you connect with the most in regards to how they parent their child(ren)? What do you think we can learn about life in regards to the various parent/child dynamics work and growing up?

RebelVampire

7) Probably Piper and Tamberlane. Unlike all the other relationships where its either warm fuzzies or kind of understandable anger and drama, theirs is the relationship i think is built entirely upon misunderstandings and kids being kids. Cause at the end of the day, Piper is still a kid so i have some forgiveness in her initial treatment of tamberlane. because honestly she probably just doesnt fully grasp yet the consequences of her actions. but its interesting to see how their relationship has been one of tension where youre really not sure if the trauma can be overcome or not. so that makes it really interesting. 8) I liked that small moment when Walter kind of took Tamberlane away from the fighting. Cause holy crap was that a significant change going from "your mistake" to here let me protect this little one. it was such a small thing but it really demonstrated the time passage and also kind of reflected that sometimes non acceptance is less about hatred, more about unfamiliarity. not to say he might not think shes a mistake, but that still was a lot warmer of an interaction than i expected and showed he cared. https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-132/

9) I love a lot of the little visual details on Tess. Like the scars, the bit that's taken out of her ear. It really shows off her past. And its just one of those super good character details a lot of people dont utilize and adds so much character to the character. <3 10) I actually connected with Avery the most, but this is in large because i was raised by a single mother. And to me i think Avery really captured that balance of needing to work, trying to be there for your kid, while also not really able to be there all the time cause of the work issue. So while Piper may not be the best behaved of the children, it's totally understandable given the circumstances and i give props to avery seeming to make it work regardless. overall, though, i think what we can learn about the various parent and child dynamics is that 1) parents are winging it and 2) while parents are a big influence, theres a point you have to divorce yourself from them and make your own choices in life.

snuffysam

aaah i finally caught up and this comic is so good! it's kind of late where i am rn, so I'm just gonna cut right to the chase and say - oakewood is my favorite character, hands down. i couldn't tell you why, but I'm just a sucker for the gruff, older guy with a heart of gold

TimmoWarner

Everyone loves Oakewood.

He'd be the best character if not for Marie.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

I definitely took a lot of inspiration for Oakewood from the cranky old guy in Wolf Children lol! That's his voice in my head too (the dub version)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. Which aspect of the comic’s world caught your attention the most? Alternatively, what world aspect are you hoping to see explored more? What culture detail do you think is the most significant when it comes to the story?

snuffysam

I think the strongest aspect of the comic is its theming. Just the overarching theme of parenthood, and how the best of intentions don't always work out the way you planned. You can see that theme everywhere in the story (from big things like Belfy & Tess's fight to smaller things like Belfy's clumsiness), and it all fits togeter SO well.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. Do you believe Belfry might have to go Abroad for Tamberlane as Tess ominously worries about? Why do you believe creatures who go Abroad get banned? How might what goes on in Abroad affect their lives regardless?

RebelVampire

11) I feel the comic's strength is showing relationships and having that be a major drive of the story. Like there's no shortage of parenting styles, friendships, or anything else. And everything is about how the characters work off one another. And no character is really all black and white either. they just all have different views and different ways of handling things. so i think that makes all the character interactions interesting since you never know quite what youre gonna get ever instance. 12) The aspect that caught my eye the most was the presence of another spoken language. I hope it's explored more where that comes from and such, cause its a really interesting facet given everyone else is otherwise speaking the same language. the other detail im really interested in seeing explore is how the world is set up. like we know there are sailors who go around and explore but avoid aborad, so im curious what their known world is like in its totality. 13) I'm looking forward to seeing Belfry grow more and come more into her own. Atm, I kind of feel shes still just a kid trying to figure stuff out, so itll be interesting to see how tamberlane changes and effects her maturity levels. 14) Yes. Aborad feels like it's brought up too many times for belfry to not have to go. But I feel going will be a good thing cause it will kind of force the world to maybe stop ignoring abroad and accept that its part of the world too, whether they want it to be part of it or not.

varethane

I wanna find out what Tamberlane's deal is!

And also what's going on in Abroad, there've been hints about it being a strange and dangerous place and I am excited to find out what it's actually like.

lonelytuatara

I wonder if Abroad is like..... a portal to the regular human world or something!

or if it's still in the same world but with more humans

varethane

That's kinda my theory

The fact that they're SO nervous about it makes me wonder if it is closer to the portal thing

Would make it feel more alien to them

lonelytuatara

yea!!

like it seems like even GOING close to it is seen as dangerous, not just entering the actual place

ohh also speaking of different locations: follybrook! my theory on it, based on the way that characters interacted w folks from follybrook, is that body modifications like piercing and docking (and maybe even gender-related body mods) are a cultural taboo in Silver Sage

so anyone from silver sage who Wants to do those things has to move to follybrook, and the creatures of follybrook have just as much disdain for the ol' fuddyduddies who refuse to let people do what they want with their bodies as the creatures of silver sage have for them

also it seems like metal is Important to silver sage's culture in some specific way, like it has spiritual significance

altho i could just have misread

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Tamberlane this week! Please also give a special thank you to Caytlin Vilbrandt for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Tamberlane, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tamberlane

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Ko-Fi: https://www.ko-fi.com/pixelprism

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Paypal.me: https://www.paypal.me/pixelprism

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Shop: https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/shop/

Tamberlane’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/tamberlanecomic

[kindsofme-blog]

To...

To another, whoever you are, know this;

Her mom likes tea more than most people, with 1 sugar. The same for her step dad. Your name will change many times whilst you’re around- Dont take it offensively, play along. If and when you’re around her sister- Become a sister. See her as a sister and you will learn things about her that will fascinate you. Dont pay attention to their arguments - they are over very quickly regardless of whats been said. Rather pay attention to the things they share together, their mannerisms, their lingo, the bond with their cousins, their love of all things red,yellow and green. When they’re singing Portuguese and French songs in the kitchen or thinking up their next new business plan that will never happen to make money off of school kids. Those moments will make you envy them as siblings. You will never be able to understand their connection but i promise you there is love there, more love than i think they can understand.

To the one she’ll fall inlove with- I dont need to tell you why you’ll also fall inlove with her - because if you feel it, you’ll already know why. But when you do- tell her. Tell her first and tell her loud, even if you think its too soon. Tell her and watch how her big brown eyes light up and her perfectly spaced beauty spots on her cheek lift while she smiles. Use her chin as a pretend lip ice holder– She’ll pull a face that no one can resist smiling for. See passed her hard shell and armour shes forever wearing. Its all an act. Find the soft spots of her,the parts that make her so exquisite and keep them soft… keep them safe and cherish them. Because when things get difficult and anger and frustration become her- you’ll use those parts as a reminder as to why you’re there in the first place.

She thinks about and feels, absolutely everything but isnt one to talk; push her. Push her to talk till shes telling you that she has nothing left to say. Then continue to push her. She needs to have someome listening. She needs to know shes not alone, she needs to know you care enough to ask. Dont talk to her when shes very angry, if she talks at you rather than to you, you wont ever be able to erase what she has said and most likely didnt mean, it will destroy you both.

Listen in the car when shes playing music she loves, these will become your most favourite moments. Listen to her sing to the lyrics, but dont let her know youre listening or she’ll stop. I dont need to tell you at laugh when she does or says something funny- you’ll see how natural it comes. Shes absolutely hilarious, even when she’s not trying to be- especially then. Watch her laugh, its absolutely captivating.

Shes got her insecurities whether you like it or not. As hard as she will push them on you, try be patient and remember ( even if she doesn’t ) that you are not the cause of them. Be affectionate and handle her with care, shes alot more fragile than she looks. Your physical affection can prevent problems occurring as a result of her demons and self worth. Never turn your back on her lovable side, if shes happy- her love and loyalty is a given. Tell her about your past and all those before her. In detail. What people have meant to you, what those people still mean to you and every thing inbetween. Even if shes not asking, even if she says she doesn’t want to hear it. She does want to know. Tell her shes important, she wont believe you, but tell her till she acknowledges it within herself. Acknowledge her, if she speaks to you; show her you're listening. With everything she says and does, or she’ll stop saying things that matter to her. Leave her to sleep if she wants to sleep, waking her unnessacerily will make her despise being awake, even if its beside you. Instead watch how beautiful she is whilst asleep.

She’s unlike anyone youve ever met. Never try compare her to another- it will eat at her. She is enough. She has a temper, a quick fuse. Dont give her a reason for her to explode at you, it will hurt more than you can imagine. She will scar you with words she doesnt really mean but only because of her emotions at that moment.

Allow her some time to understand that you are different. Whether it be your ages, views, opinions, the way you think or feel. Remind her that being different, and seeing things differently isnt a bad thing. Understand her and then make her understand you. Acceptance of the unchangeable will save you both as a couple. Compromise. Agree on the things you agree on and accept the things you dont. Neither of you will win trying to change what you cannot accept. She doesn’t do well feeling threathened. Dont allow her to believe that someone will steal you away. She doesn’t realise that you choose her. But dont let her jealousy control you. Stand your ground. Tell her the only person capable of coming between you both is her and you. When you begin to argue, becareful how you phrase things as only the things she hears that hurt her will be remembered . She's stubborn and intelligent and quiet but so loud. She'll make fun of herself in order to make others laugh.

She is so kind and so gentle. Be kind and gentle to her. Love her as she is and she will love you in return. Help her figure out what she wants in life, because when she knows, she shines so bright. When shes happy, or laughing or doing the weird things I’ve come to adore and cherish- be in that moment with her. You wont regret it. Go home once in a while, spend time alone, spend time apart, spend time with others, because when youre together, then being together is all that will matter. Being around you will make the anger go away, because you werent a trigger. Go fishing with her, listen to her stories, you’ll laugh for hours. To the person she falls inlove with, if ever im not around, dont watch her cry if shes sad or angry, it will break your heart. Hold her. Guide her. Dont change her, shes beautiful as is. Trust her, Talk to her, encourage her.

Shes enough. T.T.V

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?