#high empathy npd culture is

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

High / "normal" empathy + questioning npd culture is realising that maybe the guilt you felt over your lack of validation is maybe just low supply but you were always too moral of a person to accept that

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[the-npd-culture-is]

Questioning NPD culture is meeting the DSM-5 criteria for NPD, but wondering pwNPD can feel love, because litterally every source says they can’t, but you’ve always been able to. Then wondering if maybe that’s just ableism.

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[cluster-b-culture-is]

Extremely low empathy cluster b culture is seeing the ocean gate situation and not only not caring about the millionaires there, but actually cheering for things to go to shit. Literally eat the rich

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[throppelphaba]

Narcissistic traits in Arthur Fleck (Joker and Joker:FaD)

I have done a lot of study in the client and layman roles on personality disorder traits and find them endlessly fascinating. This movie provided a lot to chew on and my thoughts (lengthy but I hope informed) are below. Spoilers to follow of course.

During the trial, Arthur is stated to have been evaluated clinically and adjudged to have narcissistic traits. The term 'narcissist' is thrown around a lot in our culture and often mistaken for just selfishness or thoughtlessness for others. It's more complex than that, and involves an inflated yet fragile sense of self.

NPD (narcissism in a clinically significant sense) means a person exhibits at least 5 out of the 9 of the following pervasive traits:

DSM 1: Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

DSM 2: Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;

DSM 3: Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);

DSM 4: Requires excessive admiration;

DSM 5: Sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;

DSM 6: Interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends;

DSM 7: Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;

DSM 8: Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her;

DSM 9: Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

The film floats the theory that Arthur and Joker are separate entities at first, but demolishes that idea toward the end. Here are specific pieces of evidence for the traits above appearing in Arthur/Joker during the film, noting that he was adjudged to have narcissistic traits not full-blown NPD (so he may have a handful of the traits but fewer than 5, or they may not all be present at the same time or in potency enough to get diagnosed).

Trait #1 – Grandiosity – this is the entire movie but especially the musical numbers. Grandiosity is present in mood disorders like bipolar, in those cases it looks like elevated mood/mania, increased energy, unusual goal-directed activity and feelings of euphoria. He clearly exhibits this during the musical numbers where he sings of the idealized love he has for Lee and his reinvigorated view of the value of the life he's living (stated later when he says, "The difference is I'm not alone anymore"). We can also note that the dream he shares with Lee is symbolized by the phrase, "We're gonna build a mountain out of a little hill." The mountain is the grandiose delusion of outsized achievement or importance they both share. Dancing on the stairs in the first film is obviously euphoric behavior as well.

Trait #2 – Which leads us to fantasies of success and idealized love. In the first film, he has fantasies of unlimited success as a comedian and in the second film as a cabaret performer or duo with Lee a la Sonny and Cher. He sees himself in his head as a skilled entertainer with an adoring audience. Murray Franklin greets him in the first film in his fantasies as an intimate friend, and Arthur (who has not developed the skill of a consummate entertainer like a Bob Newhart or Steve Martin etc.) imagines himself being greeted with as much praise as a career comedian who has achieved those accolades. And of course, he doesn't simply like Lee, but it is grander than that: she is hearing him sing his love to her through the TV, they are connected by airwaves and an almost cosmic shared belief in his exceptionalism which now includes her. That is certainly folie à deux.

Trait #3 – Belief in being 'special' is literalized in the story Arthur's mom told him that his laugh (a result of a neurological or other condition) exists because he was put on the earth to make people laugh. He literally believes he's special in that way and destined to be an entertainer.

Trait #4 – Requires excess admiration – literalized when, during his imagined Joker & Harley variety show, he interrupts the song to let Harley know she is insufficiently paying attention to him. "This song is supposed to be about you loving ME!" He is jealous even of the audience because the focus should be on him receiving her admiration. This is re-stated in the courtroom when he says, "Look at all of these people, who are these cameras looking at!" Again, the purpose of the audience and the cameras is to admire him.

Trait #5 – His sense of entitlement/special treatment could be argued to be present when he represents himself as an attorney in his own trial. Without legal experience ("Maybe I should read a law book," he tells Harley), the expectation of being competent or effective counsel should be zero. I'm not sure if he actually expects to achieve success with his pro se representation, but it's certainly overreaching for him to try. He also negotiates his right to wear Joker makeup during the trial, which certainly would be special treatment for a defendant. It reminds me of when Ted Bundy represented himself pro se and submitted a motion for ‘change of menu’ because he was sick of eating the same lunch every day. A cute pun on ‘change of venue,’ but getting little perks like that and access to law library and tools of a lawyer did not change that outcome either.

Trait #6 – He is shown to be interpersonally exploitative – or at least thoughtlessly destructive – when Gary Puddles explains how the experience of watching Arthur commit a gruesome murderer in front of him traumatized and permanently altered his view of life and his own safety. "Gary, I like you!" Arthur says, as though that makes a difference under that circumstance. How could Arthur think his relationship with Gary wouldn't suffer from that event? Gary is collateral damage that Arthur simply never considered.

Trait #7 – He is further shown to 'lack empathy' or perhaps perspective/awareness re: how his interaction with the neighbor he was infatuated with in the first film caused her to suffer after the events of Joker. Like Gary, she suffers trauma and even stalking for her involuntary role in those events. Arthur didn't deliberately want to hurt Gary or that neighbor IMO but he certainly didn't add their pain to his calculation because his own was so vivid and all-encompassing. That's fair, I know when I've been in pain from psychological events I lost the ability to gauge others'. But Gary at least could certainly have been predicted to suffer from Arthur's actions.

Trait #8 – The grandiose traits Arthur shows (noted above) also connote his belief that others are jealous of his role as the star of the trial (see quote above: all of the people in the courtroom are there for HIM). He also fires his competent and compassionate lawyer because he doesn't care for her strategy of showing his weaknesses and evidenced failures to deal with reality in an unvarnished way, which punctures any grandiose view he has of himself. By firing her, he steps into her role and makes himself the star of the proceedings, to his own detriment.

Trait #9 – Arrogant and haughty behaviors – look no further than the Atticus Finch southern lawyer impersonation he does, with accented 'h' sounds simply to achieve a level of pretentious mockery of the proceedings, the lawyer/judge, and everyone who is taking reality seriously.

The above is by NO means a takedown of Arthur or anyone with NPD. I’ve met someone with an NPD diagnosis who was very charming, but the suffering engendered from an unstable view of oneself and requiring constant admiration is great. Lee is a good fit for him (at first) with her BPD traits, which I can go into at length as well. I think this movie is very fruitful for psychological analysis.

[spoczkotszcz]

If you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is trying to use a checklist to impact your life and freedom, the below might be useful.

PCL-R is widely used to assess individuals in high-security psychiatric units, prisons and psychological screenings. This decides who should be detained and what sort of treatment you'd receive.

The checklist is a constellation of traits which you need to be aware of so as to not score them. Simply. This impacts your life. This is important. Do not allow people to box you in. You may be branded with a label that has a very real very tangible impact on your ability to access resources if you are not careful. It can have financial and social repercussions which will affect the quality of your life. In extremis you may lose your liberty. Avoid at all cost being labelled ASPD NPD or anything of the like.

Narcissism - this one is easy to avoid. Pretend you are shy talking about yourself. Pick a trait, such as having difficulty making eye contact that is easy to fake and easy to spin into a narrative wherein you are so concerned about what others think, but not in a positive or self obsessed manner.

Superficial charm - this one is also easy. Ties into the counter-narcissism narrative quite neatly. Make it so your fictitious trait is prominent (don't overdo it!) In your conversation. This can be shaking hands, unsure eye contact, a nervous twitch. Whatever.

Charisma / outward attractiveness -do not bother with this one. The innate human desire to trust and believe those they perceive as clean/attractive/healthy etc will only help you

Seductiveness -don't try to fuck the psychiatrist

Promiscuity -see above

Lack of empathy - ironically the easiest tell on this one is over exaggerated reactions. Do not grin broadly. Mute yourself. Go for a natural look. Do not overdo the shy/nervous/etc gestures

Feeling of emptiness -do not discuss the void. The void stays in the void.

Sadism- do not discuss. Bonus points if you organically introduce a narrative wherein you express that you feel horror at another's pain with very subtle body language and facial expressions to match.

Paranoia- if it weren't for your paranoia you wouldn't be reading this, and I wouldn't be writing this. By virtue of it being paranoia you won't talk about it with a head snooping doctor anyway.

Suicidal

Self harm

The suicidal x self harm traits are the ones you need to focus on and outwardly display so you may be diagnosed with a depressive disorder, if you are in a situation where they need to diagnose you with something. A depressive disorder will be much less impactful on your life. Of note is that the way you experience self harm and suicidal ideation is different than that of a depressive person. You need to be keenly aware of this. A depressed person does not get sexually excited by the prospect as an example. You will need to do research.

Female presenting people will also have an easier time with this and can afford to get a lot more lax and creative as femininity inherently signals emotional caring etc. in many cultural contexts. Obviously play it by ear, but do consider how you present outwardly. This includes other physical characteristics such as height and build. Try to be an inoffensive stereotype they can easily box in and feel smug that they've identified your "issue".

All other traits must be masked. Do not avoid discussing your past, but do lie about it.

[nonobservance]

the only thing that helped me understand that my 5 year long relationship was abusive was through finding a community of victims who dealt with abuse by narcissists. it was so hard to leave the relationship because i’d been with him since high school and he was my first love. and i understood his trauma empathetically, even when he did horrific things to me, had no empathy for me, when he destroyed my support systems and isolated me, when he sexually abused me. that’s what made it so hard to leave. this is the type of lukewarm take that perpetuates the culture of dismissal of abuse victims. it takes into no consideration what pathological behavior results from NPD symptoms and shames people by identifying it as ableist.

would you tell someone that it’s ableist to tell their anorexic friend that their disordered eating behavior is so out of control that they can’t continue to be friends with them if they dont pursue recovery? a personality disorder that is disproportionately diagnosed in men and is characterized by needing attention and recognition from others while not empathizing with others and using self-confidence to conceal their low self-worth often results in abuse. it’s not hard to imagine why. it is caused by abuse, like bpd. but unlike bpd, there is more externalizing of their dysfunction and an entitlement to admiration. both bpd & npd have the capability to continue the cycle of abuse if their symptoms are not addressed in some way. just like an eating disorder has the capacity to kill someone. the externalizing makes NPD (and ASPD) uniquely prone to harm.

narcissism discourse on tiktok is absolutely dumb, but dismissing the existence of predatory people whose behavior results from unmanaged mental illness is just fucking stupid on a different level. how culture defines certain people as bad/good is deeply tied to the systemic neglect of people suffering from mental illness, but the answer to this issue is not to call people ableist for identifying NPD as abusive when untreated. so should we just normalize NPD instead of treating anti-social, anti-collective behaviors that lead to abuse and entrench existing hierarchy? a culture of neglect 2.0: this time it’s not ableist! NPD individuals, your deep-rooted self-hatred that likely stems from early childhood abuse and makes you functionally incapable of empathy is a mental illness, which means it doesnt need ‘fixing’ because that’s ableist language. :) the low self-worth veiled by a performance of extreme confidence, the cyclical nature of your trauma? you 👏🏻 are 👏🏻valid!

you can’t fix anything by working to normalize dysfunction. you’re actually making it worse for victims by attaching more shame to already complicated situations. ppl with npd/aspd are not inherently bad or born with original sin or whatever the ppl in the tags are saying their opposition says. but they are prone to dysfunction in a way that is extremely harmful to vulnerable people in their communities if they are not self-aware about their behavior. and most ppl with those disorders dont get effective treatment. just have some nuance lol.

People really seem to want to believe that fundamentally bad person disorder is a real thing that exists and is worth being concerned about

[wahpsychiatryclinic]

Mood Disorder vs Personality Disorder/Wah Psychiatry Clinic 

When navigating the complex landscape of mental health, it's crucial to distinguish between mood disorders and personality disorders. Although these conditions may share some overlapping symptoms, they stem from different psychological roots and require distinct approaches to treatment. Understanding the difference between mood disorder and personality disorder is key to effective diagnosis and management. Are you or someone you care about dealing with a mental illness? You have to consider Wah Psychiatry Clinic for your mood disorder and personality disorder.

What Are Mood Disorders?

Mood disorders are a category of mental health conditions that primarily affect an individual's emotional state. People with mood disorders experience persistent feelings of sadness, happiness, or fluctuations between the two. These disorders can have a significant impact on daily life, affecting relationships, work, and overall well-being. Common types of mood disorders include:

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD): Characterized by prolonged periods of intense sadness or lack of interest in life.

Bipolar Disorder: Involves episodes of depression alternating with periods of mania or hypomania, which include elevated mood and increased activity levels.

Cyclothymic Disorder: A milder form of bipolar disorder with less severe mood swings.

Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD): Also known as dysthymia, it is a chronic form of depression lasting for at least two years.

These conditions illustrate the mood instability often seen in mood disorders. The primary issue in mood disorders is the individual's fluctuating mood, which can range from extreme highs to severe lows. These fluctuations are more than just typical emotional responses and can significantly impair one's ability to function.

What Are Personality Disorders?

Personality disorders, on the other hand, are a group of mental health conditions characterized by enduring patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience that deviate significantly from the expectations of the individual's culture. These patterns are inflexible, pervasive, and lead to distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other areas of functioning. Key types of personality disorders include:

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Marked by instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning, often leading to impulsive actions and chaotic relationships.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): Involves a long-term pattern of exaggerated self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others.

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD): Characterized by a disregard for the rights of others, deceitfulness, impulsivity, and often criminal behavior.

Avoidant Personality Disorder: Involves extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to rejection.

The core issue in personality disorders is deeply ingrained, maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaving. These disorders are not simply about mood fluctuations; they are about a person’s overall personality functioning. Personality in psychiatry refers to these enduring traits that can make relationships and functioning difficult.

Mood Disorder vs Personality Disorder: The Key Differences

One of the most significant differences between mood disorders vs personality disorders lies in their onset and course. Mood disorders often present as episodic, meaning the symptoms can come and go or fluctuate over time. Personality disorders, however, tend to be more stable and enduring, manifesting as long-term patterns of behavior.

Mood disorders are often associated with chemical imbalances in the brain, particularly in neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine. These imbalances can lead to prolonged periods of depression, mania, or mixed states. Treatment for mood disorders typically involves a combination of medication, such as antidepressants or mood stabilizers, and psychotherapy.

In contrast, personality disorders are more likely to develop due to a combination of genetic predisposition, early life experiences, and environmental factors. They represent an ingrained way of interacting with the world that can be difficult to change. Treatment often involves long-term psychotherapy aimed at addressing the underlying patterns of behavior, thoughts, and feelings.

Mood Instability and Its Role in Psychiatry

Mood instability is a hallmark of several psychiatric conditions, particularly mood disorders. However, it can also be present in personality disorders, especially in conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder. The difference between mood disorder and personality disorder can sometimes be challenging to discern because of this overlap in symptoms.

For instance, someone with Bipolar Disorder might experience mood swings that could be mistaken for a personality disorder. Conversely, a person with Borderline Personality Disorder might exhibit mood instability that mimics a mood disorder. This is why a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation is essential for an accurate diagnosis.

Signs of Mood Disorders and Personality Disorders

Recognizing the signs of mood disorders is crucial for seeking timely help. Common symptoms include:

Persistent feelings of sadness or low mood

Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed

Significant changes in appetite or weight

Sleep disturbances (insomnia or hypersomnia)

Fatigue or low energy

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt

Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

Thoughts of death or suicide

Mood disorder signs can vary in intensity and duration but generally represent a significant departure from an individual's baseline mood.

In contrast, signs of personality disorders might include:

Persistent difficulties in relationships

Unstable or distorted self-image

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Impulsivity and risky behavior

Inflexible thinking patterns

Intense and unstable emotions

A pervasive sense of mistrust or paranoia

These signs reflect the deep-seated nature of personality disorders, where the individual's way of thinking, feeling, and behaving is consistently problematic across different areas of life.

Personality vs Mood Disorders: A Summary

In summary, the difference between personality disorder and mood disorder can be understood through the lens of stability and persistence. Personality disorders involve long-standing patterns of behavior that are pervasive across many areas of life, while mood disorders are more episodic and primarily affect an individual's emotional state.

Understanding these distinctions is essential for effective treatment and management. Whether dealing with a mood disorder or a personality disorder, seeking professional help from a psychiatrist or therapist is crucial. At Wah Psychiatry Clinic, we specialize in diagnosing and treating both mood and personality disorders, helping individuals achieve stability and improve their quality of life.

[hauntedselves]

Alternate model for personality disorders

Part 1: Intro | Part 2: Specific PDs (ASPD, AVPD, BPD, NPD, OCPD, STPD, PD-TS)

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Typical features of antisocial personality disorder are a failure to conform to lawful and ethical behavior, and an egocentric, callous lack of concern for others, accompanied by deceitfulness, irresponsibility, manipulativeness, and/or risk taking. Characteristic difficulties are apparent in identity, self-direction, empathy, and/or intimacy, as described below, along with specific maladaptive traits in the domains of Antagonism and Disinhibition.

A. Moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in two or more of the following four areas:

Identity: Egocentrism; self-esteem derived from personal gain, power, or pleasure.

Self-direction: Goal setting based on personal gratification; absence of prosocial internal standards, associated with failure to conform to lawful or culturally normative ethical behavior.

Empathy: Lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others; lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another.

Intimacy: Incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, as exploitation is a primary means of relating to others, including by deceit and coercion; use of dominance or intimidation to control others.

B. Six or more of the following seven pathological personality traits:

Manipulativeness (an aspect of Antagonism): Frequent use of subterfuge to influence or control others; use of seduction, charm, glibness, or ingratiation to achieve one’s ends.

Callousness (an aspect of Antagonism): Lack of concern for feelings or problems of others; lack of guilt or remorse about the negative or harmful effects of one’s actions on others; aggression; sadism.

Deceitfulness (an aspect of Antagonism): Dishonesty and fraudulence; misrepresentation of self; embellishment or fabrication when relating events.

Hostility (an aspect of Antagonism): Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults; mean, nasty, or vengeful behavior.

Risk taking (an aspect of Disinhibition): Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard for consequences; boredom proneness and thoughtless initiation of activities to counter boredom; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.

Impulsivity (an aspect of Disinhibition): Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing and following plans.

Irresponsibility (an aspect of Disinhibition): Disregard for—and failure to honor—financial and other obligations or commitments; lack of respect for—and lack of follow-through on—agreements and promises.

Specify if with psychopathic features.

Psychopathy (or “primary” psychopathy) is marked by a lack of anxiety or fear and by a bold interpersonal style that may mask maladaptive behaviors (e.g., fraudulence). This psychopathic variant is characterized by low levels of anxiousness (Negative Affectivity domain) and withdrawal (Detachment domain) and high levels of attention seeking (Antagonism domain). High attention seeking and low withdrawal capture the social potency (assertive/dominant) component of psychopathy, whereas low anxiousness captures the stress immunity (emotional stability/resilience) component.

[ramrage]

re: Loki is a narcissist

ooh sick, yet another person dragging out this already-tired debate

first of all, I disagree for a slew of reasons, but lettuce look at his sense of grandiosity, as that’s one of the things that can earn you a shiny diagnosis of NPD. According to the DSM-5:

“The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment”

Mull that over for a sec. Loki is royal. He is also a god*. He’s just as self-important as the other royal gods we know of. He’s not pathologically a jerk off (in this particular case), he’s just being the snob he was raised to be. 

I go more in depth on other DSM-5 criteria below the cut if you’re interested.

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, the following criteria must be met: 

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: 

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):  a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.  -> this seems sort of accurate for Loki, but an unstable sense of identity iirc is a feature of many/most personality disorders.  b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.  -> this in part seems accurate for Loki. he does seem to do things in order to get the approval of others, but only those that he gives a major fuck about. FURTHERMORE, I feel like Loki himself isn’t greatly magnifying the importance of this external validation. Thor also seeks Odin’s approval, and without it, it’s like lacking the approval of Asgard as a whole. I would argue that he is aware of his motivations, though (see: fight scene in Heimdall’s observatory “...When [Odin] awakens, he'll see the wisdom of what I've done.” as well as the classic “I could’ve done it, father. For you. For all of us.” Idk if narcissists have this much self-awareness but I could be wrong.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):  a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.  -> Evidence regarding Loki’s ability to empathize is limited. We have seen him in rather exceptional circumstances (ie. scheming, under some kind of mind control, trying to not die/be enslaved). It’s hard to say with certainty that his empathy is healthy/unhealthy  b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain  -> does not apply to Loki imo

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:

1. Antagonism, characterized by:  a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.  -> This does fit Loki, but I think it could be better explained by being royal and when interacting with humans, of a superior* race. All of this could be said about Thor, surely, and probably Odin, as well.  b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.  -> This does fit Loki. 

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations. 

-> Impossible to say as we don’t really know what Loki was like as a kid/teen. This should be enough to dismiss any potential diagnosis of NPD

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

-> see B. 1.a

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma)

-> fair enough, but with this, any and all of Loki’s actions in the first Avengers movie should be disregarded as evidence for him having NPD

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

NPD + very high empathy culture is (in my more mentally stable moments) feeling like other people matter and are amazing, but I'm still better than them. They are wonderful and deserve the world, and I care about them so deeply, and I'm even better than that! So I must be perfect! If everyone is awesome, what does that say about me :D !? /positive

-🌘✨👑

.

[the-npd-culture-is]

npd culture is being hyperempathetic so you don't think you have it, then finding diagnosed npd havers who are hyperempathetic and finally accepting you do have npd and so so many things make sense now

.

[rickyriddle]

AnR: a study of psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder

Hey there! So here’s another analysis, not about a specific character, but AnR characters that would fit the psychopath/sociopath/antisocial personality disorder/conduct disorder. Those who are familiar with my other analysis would probably guess that I’ll be talking about Otoya. But I also referred to Nio and Hitsugi as sociopaths in previous analysis. I want to correct certain things I may have said that was incorrect as well as used more recent discovery I made about those disorders. I also want to include another character I didn’t really talk about regarding psychopathy/ASPD: Yuri Meichi. Without further ado, let’s take a look at those four characters and if weather or not they fit the diagnosis.

First I’ll explain the different distinction between the different conditions based on my understanding of those:

Primary Psychopathy: Most commonly referred as psychopathy. When specialists talk about psychopaths, most of the time they mean those who have primary psychopathy. Primary psychopathy is innate, meaning that primary psychopaths are born that way. Primary psychopathy is characterized by callousness, shallow affect, manipulation, and superficial charm. Not all primary psychopaths have antisocial personality disorder. They all have certain narcissistic traits (such as grandiose) but again, not all primary psychopaths could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder either. Primary psychopaths have a defecting empathy, meaning that they can’t and will never feel empathy. They are usually viewed as high-functioning.

Secondary psychopathy: Usually referred to as sociopathy, even tho the term sociopath is outdated. Secondary psychopaths are made, they have been mold that way by their environment and possible trauma. Secondary psychopathy is associated with impulsivity and lack of long-term goals, and is related to hostile behaviors. Unlike primary psychopaths, secondary psychopaths are often emotionally unstable and can experience guilt and empathy. Their empathy isn’t defective but instead dysfunctional. All secondary psychopaths meet the criteria for antisocial personality disorder and they are more likely to also have borderline personality disorder. They are also more likely to be low-functioning.

Antisocial Personality Disorder: Also often used as a synonyme of sociopathy. The criteria are failure to obey laws and norms, lying, deception, and manipulation for profit or self-amusement, impulsive behavior, irritability and aggression, blatantly disregards the safety of self and others, a pattern of irresponsibility and lack of remorse. The person needs to be at least 18, have conduct behavior before 15 and the antisocial behaviors aren’t related to schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. People with ASPD can feel empathy and love towards those they bond with and their level of functioning depends of their IQ, education and environment.

Conduct Disorder: Considered the precursor of ASPD. Conduct disorder is characterized by antisocial behaviors in children and teenagers. The causes can be diverse, such as genetic, environment or even a low IQ. The signs of conduct disorder are bullying, aggressiveness, use of weapons, cruelty (towards humans or animals), stealing, forced sexual activities, vandalism, deceptiveness and serious rule violation. Whether those issues are treated or not can determine if those antisocial behaviors will continue in adulthood (and become ASPD) or not.

In this analysis, I’ll refer to primary psychopathy as PP, secondary psychopathy as SP, antisocial personality disorder as ASPD, conduct disorder as CD and narcissistic personality disorder as NPD.

In two of my recent posts I mentioned something Minakata said in KnR Room 4: “Recognizing that Otoya is an intrinsic psychopath and that Hitsugi is an acquired psychopath due to the environment and breeding.”

To me, there was no doubt that Otoya is a psychopath (PP). Minakata confirmed that Otoya is born that way therefore, she’s a primary psychopath. Then for Hitsugi, in her analysis I interpret the acquired psychopath as secondary psychopathy. And when I made the analysis, I thought that SP = ASPD and refer to Hitsugi as a sociopath, but given what I learned recently it might have been incorrect.

So, Minakata wrote psychopath “サイコパス” (saikopasu), which is based on the English word, therefore an anglicism. It sounds more like the pop-culture term instead of the medical term, which is 精神病質 (seishinbyō-shitsu). Therefore, I can be 100% that Minakata used the term psychopath in the medical sense and instead may just be a catch-all term for PP/PS/ASPD/CD. So, “acquired psychopath” doesn’t necessarily mean “secondary psychopath” but rather that Hitsugi acquire traits that are often associated with the whole psychopathy/ASPD spectrum. But, I firmly believe that “intrinsic psychopath” means “primary psychopath” since it’s the only condition among the spectrum who is innate.

So now that I correct that, let’s analyse the said characters and see if they fit any of those diagnosis.

Otoya, Hitsugi and Nio would all technically fit the CD diagnosis. They tend to be bullies, aggressive, use weapons (granted they are assassins but still), cruel, forced sexual activities (for Otoya, may or may not be applicable to Hitsugi), they are extremely deceptive and do violate rules. All of those behaviors are way more serious than a regular teenager rebellion and does harm others. But, even if they could all be diagnosed with CD (given that they are all underage) those three are all different and will probably have different diagnosis as they grow older. So let’s analyse them separately.

I’ll start with the easiest, Otoya. As I said, we know Otoya is born that way, therefore a PP. But just to be sure, let check if she does fit the criteria:

Callousness: I think it’s pretty obvious that Otoya has no sympathy or empathy for anyone and a total disregard for others. She’s insensitive and has no issues with abusing, torturing and killing people.

Shallow affect: This one mean shallow emotions. It doesn’t mean a lack of emotions, just that the emotional responses are low. I’m gonna base it on the manga version and say that despite Otoya’s cheerful attitude, she’s pretty emotionally shallow. Her cheerfulness is just an act. We can see after she failed and during KnR 5 that she’s actually quite cold.

Manipulation: Manipulation is basically Otoya’s middle name. All she does in the series is deceive, lie and manipulate to achieve her goals and simply for her personal pleasure. It’s as natural as breathing to her.

Superficial charm: I’d say Otoya is rather charismatic, she can easily charm people and gain their trust, but we know it’s not sincere. She’s smooth, engaging, charming, slick and voluble.

Otoya also have a defective empathy. You can’t possibly have empathy and commit all the atrocities she did, and she also show no remorse for her actions. She’s incapable of feeling those emotions. PP are born with a thinner amygdala, which is responsible for empathy, stress and fear. Her brain is incapable to feel empathy and remorse and never will.

But, Otoya’s actions show that she might not only be a PP. Otoya is a sadist who feel sexual pleasure from torturing and killing women. I don’t think we will argue if I say that she probably have sadistic personality disorder and sexual sadism disorder, as well as erotophonophilia (paraphilia of sexual arousal and gratification from the death of a human being, also known as lust murder). Those are not always linked to PP. In fact, unlike what people think, PP are rarely killers or even sadist, most of them are high-functioning and have normal jobs and aren’t committing any crimes. But, it’s true that most serial killers were either psychopaths or have ASPD, or both.

As I said earlier, Otoya would probably be diagnosed with CD. CD isn’t necessary to be a PP but it is for the ASPD diagnosis, meaning that in addition of being a PP, Otoya also have ASPD (well, technically she’s 16 so she couldn’t be officially diagnosis, but it’s safe to assume her behaviors won’t change at this point). At the very least, we can say that Otoya is antisocial, and PP and ASPD are often comorbid. Let’s see if she fits the criteria of ASPD:

Failure to obey laws and norms: I mean… she’s a goddamn serial killer who kills for sexual pleasure. 

Lying, deception, and manipulation for profit or self-amusement: This is a trait that overlap with PP. I already explained her manipulative nature.

Impulsive behavior: This one may seems to contradict the shallow emotions. Impulsive means making reckless decision or spontaneous decision. It means that if she has a sudden desire, she may not resist it. Impulsive isn’t a synonym of hot-headed (being easily or constantly mad). You can have low emotions and still be impulsive. So yes, Otoya is rather impulsive, she tends to make decision on a whim without thinking of consequences. 

Irritability and aggression: Again, even if someone is emotionally shallow doesn’t mean they have zero emotions. With the right trigger, even someone cold can get irritated and aggressive. In Otoya’s case, she can be quite aggressive if someone interrupt her when she’s having “fun” (aka torturing and killing) as we saw when Tokaku saved Haru from her.

Blatantly disregards the safety of self and others: In the manga Otoya was getting her ass kicked by Tokaku yet she continued to laugh and enjoy herself despite her injuries. The girl doesn’t care about her own safety and given her occupation, she doesn’t care about others’ safety either.

A pattern of irresponsibility: Otoya went overboard with killing and ended up attractive the attention of a detective, reason why she joined Class Black. Instead of recognizing that what she’s doing is wrong, she blames the detective for ruining her fun and literally want a serial killer insurance so she’ll never have to get into trouble for killing. I think it’s a form of irresponsibility, instead of fixing her behaviors or at least be more careful, she prefers to just have someone to clean up her mess forever. 

Lack of remorse: Another trait that overlap with PP. I don’t think I need to explain this one again.

So in conclusion, Otoya is born a psychopath, but acquired antisocial behaviours due to her environment as well as sadism. Her natural lack of empathy probably make those easier to acquire. Otoya will never genuinely change as a person, she may change her behaviour to get what she wants but she will always the same. Right now, she would be diagnosed with PP and CD, but it makes no doubt that when she’ll be 18 she would be diagnosed with ASPD. So my final diagnosis: Antisocial Primary Psychopath.

Then, we have Hitsugi. So let’s throw the PP out of the possibility since we know she isn’t born that way and was mold by her environment. I would also discard SP given that Hitsugi seems pretty high-functioning as a person. SP tend to be anxious, fearful, hostile and emotionally unstable and it doesn’t seem to be the case with Hitsugi. On the contrary, Hitsugi said that she doesn’t feel much, showing that she does have shallow emotions (not a lack of emotions, mind you). As I said earlier, Hitsugi would most likely be diagnosed with CD. Hitsugi has no problem with hurting and killing people if it suits her or even just for curiosity and she didn’t feel any remorse for that. She’s deceptive, manipulative and a pathological liar. Regarding the forced sexual activities I mentioned earlier, I’m not saying that Hitsugi is a rapist or a sexual predator like Otoya seems to be. I meant it in a way that Hitsugi seems somewhat forceful and assertive when it comes to intimacy, kissing Chitaru even if the latter may not fully consent or be comfortable with it (I’m mainly referencing their second kiss after Chitaru learned the truth and was distressed, it was, in my opinion, inappropriate for Hitsugi to kiss her and seemed like she was taking advantage of Chitaru’s vulnerability).

It’s true, however, that Hitsugi loves and feel regrets for hurting Chitaru, but that’s because she bond with her. Hitsugi doesn’t feel remorse for any other people than Chitaru. Also, it’s true that Hitsugi shows signs of low-self esteem, which is not mutually exclusive with CD. In fact, from what I read, it’s common. I suppose that those with CD who grow up to have ASPD eventually lose their low self-esteem, but Hitsugi is still young.

We don’t know exactly Hitsugi��s past but we can assume that she was brought into the assassination business at a young age and that she eventually lost her capacity to have empathy and started to feel empty. But, thanks to Chitaru, in a way, Hitsugi was able to reconnect with her lost feelings and there may be some hope for her to outgrow her CD and not develop ASPD. But, if Hitsugi never met Chitaru or met her as an adult, there’s no doubt in my mind that she would have ASPD (but not be a SP).

So in conclusion, Hitsugi isn’t born like that, she was mold by her environment, and she does exhibit a lot of antisocial behaviours. So my final diagnosis: Conduct Disorder with chances of antisocial tendencies in adulthood.

Now let’s analyse Nio. In my analysis of her I did say she may have ASPD, but I clarified that given her age she would rather be diagnosed with CD. Nio is unlikely to have PP given that she’s capable of bonding and feeling genuine love. So, when she’ll be 18, would she still be more likely to have regular ASPD or SP?

First, let’s see if she does fit the ASPD criteria:

 Failure to obey laws and norms: Even if Nio is following Yuri’s orders, she doesn’t seem to be someone who follow rules in general or the law. She doesn’t listen to her teacher and did broke the Clack Rules (she tried to kill Haru without sending a notice). I don’t have much example for this one.

Lying, deception, and manipulation for profit or self-amusement: Nio’s whole character is about deception. She acts all cheerful, enthusiastic and friendly while truly she doesn’t care about others, she even said she hate them, and enjoy seeing them fail and suffer. She did lied several time and manipulated Haru, all of this mainly for profit or just for fun.

Impulsive behavior: I wouldn’t say Nio is particularly impulsive nor do I really have example, except maybe her decision to kill Haru.

Irritability and aggression: Even if Nio acts friendly, she clearly stated hating all her classmates and got pretty angry with Haru at the end, probably because she was tired of pretending.

Blatantly disregards the safety of self and others: Nio did choose to fight Tokaku one on one even tho Tokaku is a much better fighter. Nio is ready to take risks. She doesn’t care about others’ safety as she gladly accepted to let Haruki try to commit suicide to win (with a huge grin on her face). 

A pattern of irresponsibility: Not much instance in the series except in her flashbacks where we see she was a really undisciplined child. We can assume that even if she used to be irresponsible, with Yuri’s strict education it wouldn’t weird if Nio lost this trait over time.

Lack of remorse: Nio never showed genuine sympathy or empathy towards anyone (except Yuri) and doesn’t seem to have any remorse for any of her actions.

She fits most of them but not perfectly. But as I said, ASPD can only be diagnosed as an adult and Nio is only 15. So it’s possible that she might not have developed fully all the ASPD traits. To me, given that she’ll remain with Yuri, who basically abused her as a kid and groomed her, it’s unlikely that she will change. She’ll most likely have ASPD in adulthood. And, given that her relationship with Yuri is unhealthy, there’s a chance that she might end up more emotionally unstable. Abusive relationship on long-term have terrible effect on one psyche. So to me, Nio eventually turning to a secondary psychopath would be a high possibility.

The differences between Nio and Hitsugi regarding their respective relationship is that even if ChitaHitsu is also toxic, the abusive one is Hitsugi, not her partner. So there’s a chance that thanks to Chitaru’s influence she might change and outgrow her CD. Nio on the other end is the victim, Yuri being the abusive one. If Nio grows while still being affected by Yuri’s abuse she’s unlikely to get better.

In conclusion, Nio currently has CD and will most likely have ASPD as an adult as well as SP. She’s not born that way and was mold by her environment and Yuri’s abuse. My final diagnosis: Conduct Disorder with future Antisocial Personality Disorder and possible Secondary Psychopathy.

And now, last but not least, Yuri Meichi. Now you might remember that in my last psychopaths/sociopaths anime characters list I said that Yuri was either a psychopath or a high-functioning sociopath. Well, let’s break it down.

Yuri being an adult I won’t mention CD for her. So let see if she’s born that way or mold by comparing PP and SP criterial.  Callousness? Yuri doesn’t seem to care about anyone and is pretty insensitive to others pain. Shallow affect? Well, Yuri is pretty emotionally shallow. She barely show any emotion except what appears to be mild-interest. Throughout the entire series she almost only smile calmly, even while beating up a kid. She’s a calm and cold person. Manipulation? There isn’t much instances that show if Yuri is manipulative, but we did see that she manipulate Nio as a kid and basically groomed her. Superficial charm? Yuri is quite charismatic. She can be smooth, engaging, charming, slick and voluble and we know it isn’t sincere.

What about the SP traits? Impulsivity and lack of long-term goals? Yuri pretty much succeeded in life and is one of the most powerful person in the world who is always calm and rational. Hostile behaviors? Yuri can be intimidating as a person, but she isn’t acting in a hostile and aggressive way.

So it doesn’t seem that Yuri have SP and is more likely to have PP, therefore be born that way. But could she also have ASPD? Let’s see.

 Failure to obey laws and norms: Yuri makes me think she’s lawful evil. She makes the law.

Lying, deception, and manipulation for profit or self-amusement: She does that, but it’s also a trait that overlap with PP.

Impulsive behavior: Nope.

Irritability and aggression: Nope.

Blatantly disregards the safety of self and others: Disregards for others perhaps, even thought she didn’t let the injured assassins dies (yet let countless people die for the clan).

A pattern of irresponsibility: Not really

Lack of remorse: Yes, but again, it overlap with PP.

So it seems that all the ASPD traits Yuri has are also PP traits. So therefore, I don’t think she would qualify as having ASPD. And given that she’s 30 now, she’s unlikely to change.

So in conclusion, Yuri is most likely born that way. My final diagnosis: Primary Psychopathy

Phew, that was long. So, among the four characters I analysed, they are all at different places on the spectrum. Here’s a good diagram to illustrate it. I’ll show on it where the characters are or will be in a couple of years:

Thanks for reading, if you have any comments or questions feel free to ask me and see you next time!

[inanawesomewave]

PUT AN END TO TOXIC EMPATH CULTURE

I am in a few groups on facebook for cluster b personality disorders. Some of them are exclusively for paths (socio-, psycho-), some of them are for people of all cluster b, and one of them is for people who have these disorders, and it’s also a place where people can go for advice on the people in their lives with these disorders. More often than not people will come into this group and immediately rant about their “narcopath” husband (tip: psychopathy encompasses narcissistic personality disorder just as well as it does antisocial, read a book and stop inventing monster words). They’ll start out innocent: “I accidentally looked at my husband’s phone and saw he’s been texting other girls”, or “I just had to go into my husband’s pocket for a breath mint and accidentally found a receipt for a restaurant I didn’t go to with him”. First red flag for me: they immediately tell a lie. They come to a cluster b group to talk about how they’ve been damaged by a disordered personality, and they begin with a lie. We know that, idiots. We lie all the time, and we cheat, and we steal. And we confront them. And you know what they do? They say, “you’re just a filthy fucking narc, aren’t you”. And weirdly, that specific phrase comes up a lot, “filthy fucking narc”, almost like it’s a sobriquet that’s been encouraged somewhere, in some kind of large online community, something it’s acceptable to say to survivors of abuse and trauma that don’t behave in exactly the way you would like them to, despite your best efforts to spy on them and keep them down at heel. But that’s a different thing for a different rant for a different time. We sometimes get mothers coming into the group to talk about how they’re at their wits end with their antisocial personality disordered children, how the antisocial child has cut contact with them and the exasperated parent doesn’t understand why. One of us will suggest that ASPD rarely crops up without being coaxed out by abuse and trauma, and suddenly this hand-wringing, worried parent will start shouting and kicking off. They’ll call us “filthy fucking narcs”. Another thing we get is people with borderline personality disorder (and if you think I have a needless axe to grind, please continue reading before losing your goddamn mind about this) coming in to talk about the fact they are inexplicably drawn to “narcs” and “paths”, and that this is the fault of narcs and paths, that we are drawing them in and hurting them. They tell us that they’ve suffered abuse and we wouldn’t understand, they tell us that they are hurting and we wouldn’t understand. Then we tell them that the rate of childhood abuse and trauma is just as high amongst antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders as it is with borderline. And then they’ll react by telling us they feel triggered and attacked. Ostensibly, they’ll call us “filthy fucking narcs”. More often than not, they’ll refer to themselves as an EMPATH. Just like the estranged mother is an empath, just like the obsessive wife is an empath. Because borderlines are empaths, right? That’s where we’ve gone wrong. Borderlines have reduced empathy. You don’t like that, but it’s true. Let’s talk about why you don’t like that. If you have BPD and you’re reading this and you don’t like that, ask yourself why. Because I know why. The reason you don’t like hearing that one of your diagnostic criteria is a lack of empathy, something your therapist knows about you, something your psychiatrist knows about you, something all your family and friends know about you, is because you hear “empath” and you hear “good person”. You hear “narcissist/sociopath/psychopath” and you think “bad person”. You believe the only difference between good and evil is empathy, and therefore you believe that anything you do can be easily absolved by you insisting that you have empathy, a surfeit of it, in fact. You can do whatever to whomever and whyever you want, but if you can put your hand on your heart and the end of the day and stare that person you hurt in the eye and feel their pain as they feel it, as you inflicted it, then all’s well that ends well. And I have never heard so much fucking bullshit in my entire life. And the reason I’m writing this is because today in the aforementioned group, a woman with borderline personality disorder told a lie to the group that her ex husband had paid several men to harass and stalk her. After some questioning she admitted that this probably wasn’t true, but that she’d felt like it was probably true, and because she has BPD, she feels things before she can cognitively conceive of them, so she’s prone to whipping herself up into a frenzy. But it’s fine, she said, because she has BPD, and has been abused, and has been raped, and she has empathy. It’s fine she can implicate a serious crime that never happened, because she’s sorry she did that. She’s sorry she felt that way but it wasn’t her fault. You know what else she said? She said, to someone who had called her out on her shit (non aggressively), “I’ve been raped, but a narcopath like you wouldn’t be affected by something like that”. Can we just sit on that for a second, please? We are rape survivors and survivors of prolonged abuse and trauma. But you think it’s fine and empathic of you to tell us that we didn’t care about it? That it didn’t hurt us? Think again, empath. Toxic empath culture is using your naturally occurring empathy to oppress and abuse other people. Yes, I know you have empathy but guess what! You can also be abusive. The thing about toxic empathy culture is believing whole heartedly that your empathy is what separates you from the herd, that your empathy is so unbelievably special, that you have a gift. And an interesting thing happens when you think that your empathy is a magical gift - you see what you perceive to be a lack of it EVERYWHERE. You have become so subsumed and enamoured by your own empathy that you believe nobody must have empathy the way that you do, and therefore, what do we call people with a lack of empathy? We call then narcs and paths. We call them filthy little fucking narcs. And we can do whatever the fuck we want to them, right? Because they have no empathy. Not like you though. You’re special. And sometimes I get heat on this blog for singling out BPD but you know what? It’s pertinent. How many times have I see articles explaining BPD as some damaged, fragile gift of broken empathy that is given to victims of abuse? That it’s not rage or hostility or abuse, it’s a storm? It’s gorgeous fragility? It’s complicated, she’s mixed up. We never get to hear that they have a lack of empathy though, that’s the big secret. Because borderlines have a lack of cognitive empathy, they can feel it, but they can’t understand it. Antisocials et all are the other way around. What does this mean? It means someone with BPD will feel your negative emotion but won’t understand how to talk to you about it, or ask you how you are, or interpret it. But they’ll feel it. So maybe if you’re in a bad place they’ll get into a bad place too, but their lack of cognition will prevent them from thinking to ask you what’s wrong, or how they can help you. You’ll have to help them instead. And that’s not their fault, there’s a reason their empathy broke down and they have a genuine lack here, it’s nothing they can help. So why can’t we see antisocials and narcissists with this level of clarity, and sympathy? Because if an antisocial sees someone they care about suffering, they won’t feel it, they won’t adopt it, but they can cognitively understand that your mood has changed and you need something fixing. You know, for all the evil that apparently exists in narcissists and sociopaths, I know what I’d prefer. And it’s so funny really, because in these “survivor communities”, everything has to be forced into the boxes of psychopathy and narcissism. Any bad behaviour gets pigeon-holed into these two categories. Even if someone says “my husband has a diagnosis of BPD” or “my wife has a diagnosis of OCD”, everyone will say “google NPD hun they might have VULNERABLE NARCISSISM”, “they might be a COVERT PSYCHOPATH”. Because if they can’t find the answers they need in the DSM-V, they’ll invent categories. Do anything it takes to excuse any and all bad behaviour as being part of these two schools of evil, because they cannot begin to accept that anyone else can do anything bad, because if they accepted that, they’d have to accept that they too are sometimes bad. And there’s a reason this gets me so angry. It’s not just that some people need the monopoly on pain and distress, teaching people that victimhood can only ever be messy, bloody, stormy, emotional, anxious, dramatic and LOUD, and that because of this, everyone ignores the fact that some victims of abuse end up with different personality disorders and become withdrawn, cold, remorseless, angry and manipulative because they don’t know how to function in a world that they’ve only ever known as cold and hard and something you need to survive through by any means necessary. It’s not even that things like suicidality is now only ever taken seriously if someone is yelling I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF all the time, despite the fact that most people who end their lives leave no clue whatsoever, don’t tell anyone and even seem happier before they do it, and it’s not even that because of this skewed vision of what suffering looks like, millions of people go ahead killing themselves unnoticed because they weren’t screaming their intent and therefore we are trained to believe they’re not victims. What really fucking ticks me off is the dehumanisation.  You’re an empath until you meet a narcissist or a sociopath or a psychopath aren’t you? But the second you meet one, or think you’ve met one, you get to do that thing that everyone wants to do - you get to become a psychopath, because you know deep down in your heart of hearts that nArCoPaThS are trying to hurt you and harm you constantly, that they can whiff you out in a crowded room and spend their lives trying to harm you, because you’re such delicious and precious bait. So what you do, before they can come at you and hurt you (even if it never happened! Even if you just think it happened which is the same, right? It’s okay to think that, right? You’ve been hurt, after all, and now you’ve got all this empathy just lying around and that’s hard for you), you hurt them first, but that’s not your fault, right? It’s a protective shield, yeah? It’s something you had to create to protect yourself from further harm isn’t it? Aw. Yeah. We don’t know what that’s like. We don’t know what it feels like to spend our lives accidentally creating maladaptive coping mechanisms that involve keeping others away from us. That’s you. You’re special. And when you do that, and you identify what you are because you read a Thought Catalog article about empaths and you really felt seen by the bit where it said that empaths are beautiful, strong, courageous, maybe psychic, and healers, and you thought that was probably you because you’re definitely not a narcissist, then it doesn’t matter about everyone else, does it? Because you’re an empath. Hell. You’re a God. And NOT a narcissist, they just THINK they’re special but you really are, aren’t you!  And so, with your great gift of empathy your first move is to push the baddies away. Because you know deep down, don’t you, that narcopaths got that way because we wanted to be. You know that even though we also kill ourselves at very high rates, we were only doing that to fuck with you, and the trauma of losing us is actually your greater trauma and that’s how we get to fuck you over one last time. You know that when we tell you we were raped and assaulted and abused and beaten repeatedly, that we’re just saying it to hurt specifically you, because you need to keep your guard up, because you’re special. And if we are telling the truth, which would make sense when you look at the statistics which you haven’t because science is for losers and you’ve just got a hunch which means so much more than empirical research, you know that the truth to them is a labyrinthine maze of potential manipulation. You read in Psychology Today that we can only ever lie and we don’t know how to feel things. I mean there’s no evidence to support that, just like there’s no evidence whatsoever that we have a cold dead stare or that we jerk off to snuff films, but you had that hunch, didn’t you.  And this dehumanisation is part of empath culture. Empath culture exists to dehumanise and demean and retraumatise narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, and it needs to stop. Because I’m not out here pretending to have empathy, but you are. So when I sit here and earnestly hope that you get everything that’s coming to you and maybe I’d like to be a part of that, I’m not lying. When you sit here and tell me that your empathy is a rare gift and that all the men you’ve dated were all narcissists and that your best friend is probably a psychopath and that you’ve never hurt anyone in your life because you’re an earth goddess, you’re lying. But you don’t even know you’re lying, because the lie has now got so big that everyone’s getting themselves involved. And this is why toxic empath culture needs to come to a close. It’s making narcissists out of everyone, and apparently, that’s the worst thing in the world. Empaths go fuck yourselves.

[resilientmama]

The Covert Narcissist.

The title narcissist gets used loosely to describe a person who exhibits traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD for short.

What is NPD?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a personality disorder in which an individual has an exaggerated opinion of themselves. They have an unquenchable thirst for the attention and admiration of everyone.

Individuals suffering from NPD are generally unhappy and unbearably disappointed when not receiving the praise, special favors and attention they believe they are deserving of.

Cause of NPD are believed to be:

Childhood abuse or neglect

Excessive parental parenting

Unrealistic expectations from parents or family members

Sexual promiscuity (often correlating to NPD)

Cultural influences

There are two main categories used to divide types of narcissism.

Covert and Overt.

Other very specific categories of narcissism can be split between the two main categories.

Today I want to discuss the Covert Narcissist.

Covert narcissists are the easiest to slip under our moral and immoral radar. Unlike its sister category, overt, covert narcissism hides tucked away under the surface of the individual.

Covert Narcissists are very good at appearing to a be a victim. But often what they’re falling victim to are their own circumstances that are self-caused.

Watching covert narcissism unfold is similar to reading and following a really badly written self help book.

The covert narcissist does not have the same grandiose outward appearance and demeanor associated with overt narcissism, which is what is usually referred to as textbook NPD.

Cover narcissists often appear shy, have a sense of humility and are extremely sensitive to what others think of them.

The covert narcissist is generally vulnerable, deeply insecure and prone to easily damaged self esteem. They’re hyper sensitive to any criticism, as most people are. But the reaction of this type of narcissist is what sets them apart from the normal sensitive human being.

Dismissal of all negative or constructive criticism is a main factor. The narcissist, although sensitive and vulnerable will put up a front that the criticism is below them, often using sarcastic remarks and snide comments to undermine whomever is dishing out criticism.

Internally this narcissist is seething with rage, humiliated and left feeling empty.

This progresses to the next behavior characteristic.

Passive aggression.

Two main reasoning's within the narcissist’s mind drive this reaction and behavior.

The deep internal belief that their specialness warrants them to get whatever they want, at any length they have to go to.

The desire to have revenge over those they believe wronged them or have had greater praise or success.

Example’s of how a narcissist uses passive aggressive behavior:

Sabotaging another individual’s work life or friendships

Teasing or mocking remarks framed as light-hearted jokes

Silent treatments

Inconspicuous blame-shifting causing their chosen victim to feel bad or question what the reality of problematic events really is

Procrastinating on events and tasks they feel are beneath them

People with NPD feel a constant need to have validation from others surrounding them. This yearning for validation and praise stems from wanting to no longer feel bad feelings, shame from the things they’ve done to obtain said validation and feeling limited or small because of their own unavoidable short comings.

The covert narcissist uses a tactic of shelf shaming and putting themselves down in order to receive the praise they’re seeking from others.

Often they are excellent at portraying a fake guilt that’s unbearable, often seeking reassurance, praise and forgiveness from their victims or anyone involved in the situation.

Unlike the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist often appears shy and withdrawn in nature. They are sure not to draw any grand attention to themselves. This type of narcissist will not be the life of the party or the most popular person within a group of friends. You can witness these narcissists often sharing the spotlight with a close friend or a family member. Keeping themselves out of the spotlight allows them to do their bidding out of the public eye, making it harder for individuals dealing with them to detect the tactics being used against them. The need to not draw big attention to themselves, besides when seeking pity, stems from an internal lack of self worth and low self esteem.

Covert narcissism is accompanied by grandiose fantasies.

Often these narcissists focus on what could have been. Where they have went wrong. But after the fixation of these fantasies set in, they spin a tale of why everything that’s happened is the opposing parties fault.

A smug or an “I’ll show you” attitude goes hand in hand with the fantasy world the narcissist immerses themselves into.

A blatant statement that can be made about anyone who is struggling with NPD is they will execute their revenge on you, one way or another. The “I’ll show you” attitude is unavoidable unless you give them what they want or need.

Fantasies that the covert narcissist often experiences are:

The reconciliation of a relationship they’ve ruined, at the expense of the other party taking blame

Being admired for their attractiveness everywhere they go

Being recognized for their talents and achievements everywhere they go

Effortlessly being the best spouse, friend or child 

Receiving praise for rescuing others from a disaster

Covert narcissism involves a high risk of co-occurring depression and anxiety, along with the onset of Borderline Personality Disorder.

The need to “make up and break up” fuels much of their undermining. The immediate gratification from the resolution of a high conflict relationship brings them great pleasure and a feeling of adequacy. 

There are two major reasons for all above stated conditions:

Fear of failure with tactics or exposure for their true character may contribute to severe anxiety

Frustration over idealized expectations not matching up with reality, and the inability to get needed praise and gratitude from others can trigger feelings of resentment and deep seeded depression.

Feelings of emptiness and thoughts of suicide correlate with cover narcissism. 

The covert narcissist is excellent at the ability to hold a long term grudge.

When this narcissist believes someone has treated them unfairly or less-than, they feel furious but say nothing within the moment. Instead they are prone to wait for an ideal opportunity to make the other person look bad or take revenge into their own hands.

The revenge can often be subtle or passive aggressive, as we’ve discussed before.

This point in time is when playing the victim works to their advantage.

Starting rumors, sabotaging a person’s career or using their tactics to destruct a relationship are all tools used during the grudge holding phase.

People with NPD, cover or overt tendencies alike, often envy people for things they feel the deserve, I.E: spouses and/or relationships, power, social status, money and material possessions.

They’re often under the impression that others are jealous of them because they’re special and superior to them.

A covert narcissist will never discuss their feelings of envy but they internalize theses feelings and express bitterness and resentment for not getting what they believe they are entitled to. 

This narcissist experiences feelings of inadequacy at all points in time. They’re constantly left feeling powerless, shameful and full of anger when not receiving the constant praise or achievements they feel they deserve. 

They’re living with a self-serving empathy. An individual with NPD can have the ability to show empathy to others, but it often gets in the way of their own personal gain. 

Covert narcissists have no problem showing empathy for others. They’re willing the innocently lend a helping hand to others in need, but its in order to receive praise for the good deeds done. They complete these acts of empathy to gain the respect and approval to others. 

In conclusion narcissism has a broad spectrum, many tactics are employed by the narcissist to obtain whatever they believe is rightfully theirs.

The cover narcissist is the innocent party, always. Always a victim, never an aggressor to the outside world. This is the individual that quietly spreads lies and rumors to tarnish the reputations and ruin the lives of their victims. These lives they ruin are trophies to said individuals. Another life ruined is another tally mark on their scale of superiority. Mess with me and your life will be over. To people involved in their lives and partaking in the tactics without being aware they just see their spouse, friend or family member as an innocent party in a world that is constantly attacking them. Any and all admissions of guilt are never just made to seek forgiveness or guidance, there is always expected recourse for their actions. These narcissist attempt to stay out of the spotlight, often having an entourage of others to pick up the slack and openly advocate on their behalf so they can avoid getting their own hands dirty. The must always remain the wholesome, god-fearing, loving and undeserving party of scrutiny and shame. When in the long run most of these horrible situations they’ve became a part of are created by their own hand in the process of seeking revenge and power.

Of all the forums, advice columns, articles and accredited publishing I’ve researched, the only suggested tactic to separating yourself from and overcoming your interactions and consequences from a covert narcissist is this...

Advocating.

The covert narcissist does not see advocating for yourself or other victims as a challenge. They loathe the thought of the truth being brought into the light for others to bear witness. The truth being exposed and them being questioned on the matter brings to the surface anxiety, feelings of low self worth and ultimately the expectation from others to finally hear the truth of what’s been going on behind the scenes. 

Hopefully this entry brings insight as to what kind of tactics have been used against Taylor and myself over the last few years. 

Part 2 of Taylor’s store will be coming next week.

Continue to educate yourselves on these disorders and the kind of people we’re letting into our lives and around our children, and most of all never stay quiet. If something is off, use your voice and let it be known.

Happy reading yall!

[goosegoblin]

Hey, a friend of mine has been in an awful abusive relationship and believes that this was caused by him being a narcissist. Now she spents a lot of time talking to me about how narcissists are these evil, irredeemable people and tbh, it makes me uncomfortable. You're the only person I've seen who hasn't taken that approach with the "scary" mental illnesses, and I was wondering how I should deal with this. Is it okay to see narcissists as sick people, rather than dangerous, or am I just (1/2)

 being naive, as my friend says? (2/2)

Ahh Christ, I hate this phenomenon. 

She’s almost certainly talking about narcissists in the pop culture, Reddit-y way that gives that label to pretty much all abusive or toxic people. Most groups using this word freely admit that they aren’t referring to NPD when they do so, but that doesn’t stop a lot of people from conflating the two.

It’s especially difficult because your friend has obviously had a really, really difficult and traumatic time, and that deserves respect. But honestly, focusing on ‘narcissists‘ to that degree does not sound like an especially healthy coping mechanism. Is she in therapy? Could you encourage her to get in therapy? Hopefully a therapist could help her work through her trauma while gently challenging the beliefs she’s built.

–

Because I’m anticipating unhappy replies to this post, I’d like to remind you all of the DSM 5 criteria for NPD:

NPD is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

- A grandiose sense of self-importance- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love- A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions- A need for excessive admiration- A sense of entitlement- Interpersonally exploitive behavior- A lack of empathy- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

The majority do not refer to behaviour, but to internal thoughts and beliefs, because- surprise!- that’s how mental illness works. Anybody attempting to come into my inbox and pick a fight over ‘lack of empathy’ is going to have to first demonstrate to me that they know what ‘empathy’ means, because it does not in fact mean ‘being nice and good’. Empathy exists on a spectrum, and some of the best people I know experience relatively little (or no) empathy.

As for ‘interpersonally exploitive behaviour’, I have… some thoughts on that. I won’t go into them too much here, but some quick notes: that does not necessarily mean ‘abusive’, that is in no way unique to people with NPD, all social interactions are manipulative to some extent (patrexes has some really great stuff on that), that criterion is not necessary for diagnosis, and these are the symptoms of untreated NPD. We can critique people on behaviours without labelling a whole condition as ‘evil’.

By comparison, here’s the trait listen given on the most prominent N-related subreddit. How many of those are actually unique to NPD? In contrast, how many are just plain abusive behaviours?

Yet another reason I dislike this recent ‘He/she’s an N!’ craze is that it completely erases the abusive behaviours of people who do not have NPD. I’ve experienced toxic and borderline abusive behaviour from people who were hyperempathetic. I’ve been in toxic relationships with people who hated themselves and thought they were garbage. I’ve known many people whose untreated depression, ADHD or anxiety led them to behave in toxic and abusive ways. Why is NPD different?

And, as ever, if your mental health awareness and advocacy stops at ‘the people you think are the real crazies’, it’s pretty fuckin’ bad, and you should really find a different label for what you’re doing. We need to strive to talk about abuse and trauma without merrily throwing mentally ill people under the bus while doing so; we cannot move forward by throwing other groups behind.

xx

[bandbacktogether]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Resources

New Post has been published on https://www.bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-resources/

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Resources

What Is A Personality Disorder?

Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from another. An person’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations), and inherited characteristics. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress, or problems functioning, and lasts over time.

There are 10 specific types of personality disorders, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Common to all personality disorders is a long-term pattern of behavior and inner experience that differs significantly from what is expected. This pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood, and causes distress and/or problems in the way a person functions. Without treatment, these behaviors and experiences becomes inflexible and usually long-lasting.

The pattern of behaviors is seen in at least two of these areas:

Way of thinking about themselves and others

Way of responding emotionally

Way of relating to other people

Way of controlling one’s behavior

The 10 specific personality disorders are grouped into three categories called “clusters.”

Cluster A: Odd or Eccentric Behaviors

Paranoid personality disorder: a pattern of distrust and suspiciousness where others’ motives are seen as mean or spiteful. People with paranoid personality disorder often assume people will harm or deceive them and are reluctant to confide in others, and/or become close to them.

Schizoid personality disorder: a pattern of detachment from social relationships and a limited range of emotional expression. A person with schizoid personality disorder typically doesn’t seek close relationships, chooses solitary activities, and appears indifferent to praise or criticism from others.

Schizotypal personality disorder: a pattern of acute discomfort in close relationships, distortions in thinking or perception, and eccentric behavior. A person with schizotypal personality disorder may have odd beliefs or magical thinking, odd or peculiar behavior or speech, or may incorrectly attribute meanings to events.

Cluster B: Dramatic, Emotional, or Erratic Behavior

Antisocial personality disorder: a pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. A person with antisocial personality disorder may not conform to social norms, may repeatedly lie or deceive others, and/or may act impulsively.

Borderline personality disorder: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, emotional response, self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid abandonment (real or perceived), have recurrent suicidal behavior, display inappropriate intense anger, and/or have chronic feelings of emptiness.

Histrionic personality disorder: a pattern of excessive emotion and attention seeking. A person with histrionic personality disorder may be uncomfortable when he/she is not the center of attention, consistently use their physical appearance to draw attention, or show rapidly shifting or exaggerated emotions.

Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others, and/or lack empathy.

Cluster C: Anxious or Fearful Behavior

Avoidant personality disorder: a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and extreme sensitivity to criticism. A person with avoidant personality disorder may be unwilling to get involved with people unless he/she is certain of being liked, be preoccupied with being criticized or rejected, and/or may view himself/herself as being inferior or socially inept.,

Dependent personality disorder: a pattern of needing to be taken care of and submissive and clingy behavior. A person with dependent personality disorder may have difficulty making daily decisions without reassurance from others or may feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of fear of inability to take care of himself or herself.

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: a pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism and control. A person with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may be preoccupied with details or schedules, may work excessively to the exclusion of leisure or friendships, and/or may be inflexible in morality and values. (This is NOT the same as obsessive compulsive disorder)

Diagnosis of a personality disorder requires a mental health professional looking at long-term patterns of functioning and symptoms. For a person under 18 years old to be diagnosed, the symptoms must have been present for at least a year. Some people with personality disorders may not recognize a problem. Also, people often have more than one personality disorder. An estimated 9 percent of U.S. adults have at least one personality disorder.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a person’s self-directed focus and inflated self-admiration.

While everyone likes to feel important and receive positive attention from those around them, people who have NPD take this to the next level. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.

The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies (e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatments and rewards. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

Note: Having high self-confidence (a strong sense of self) is far different from narcissistic personality disorder; people with NPD typically value themselves over others to the extent that they openly disregard the feelings and wishes of others, and expect to be treated as superior, regardless of their actual status or achievements.

Moreover, the person with narcissistic personality disorder usually exhibits a fragile ego (self-concept), an intolerance of criticism, and a tendency to belittle others in order to validate their own superiority.

50 to 75 percent of the people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are male; it’s been approximated that 1-2% of people have narcissistic personality disorder. The actual number of people who have NPD is likely to be far higher, as many who have this personality disorder don’t ever seek treatments.

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat, and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an “injury” in the form of criticism or rejection.

What Is The Prevalence of Narcissistic Behavior?

According to a study covered by US News and World Report, rates of narcissism are on the rise.

In the summer of 2018, [a study of] a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans found that 6 percent of Americans, or 1 out of 16, had experienced [clinical narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)] at some point in their lives.

And there was a big generational effect. You’d expect that people who are older would have a higher percentage of having experienced this because they’ve lived so many more years. But only 3 percent of people over 65 had had any experience with NPD, compared with almost 10 percent of people in their 20s. Given that you can only diagnose this when someone is 18, that’s a pretty short number of years in which to have this experience.

That’s a pretty big indication that this is an out-of-control epidemic.

What Are The Subtypes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

  Subtype Description Personality traits

Unprincipled narcissist Including antisocial features: These people have a deficient conscience; unscrupulous, amoral, disloyal, fraudulent, deceptive, arrogant, exploitive; a con artist and charlatan; dominating, contemptuous, vindictive.

Amorous narcissist Including histrionic features:. These people are sexually seductive, enticing, beguiling, tantalizing; glib and clever; disinclined to real intimacy; indulges hedonistic desires; bewitches and inveigles others; pathological lying and swindling. Tends to have many affairs, often with exotic partners.

Compensatory narcissist Including negativistic and avoidant features: These people cancel out deep feelings of inferiority and lack of self-esteem; offsets deficits by creating illusions of being superior, exceptional, admirable, noteworthy; self-worth results from self-enhancement.

Elitist narcissist, Variant of pure pattern: These people feel privileged and empowered by virtue of special childhood status and pseudo-achievements; entitled façade bears little relation to reality; seeks favored and good life; is upwardly mobile; cultivates special status and advantages by association.

Normal narcissist: Absent of the traits of the other four, this is the least severe and most interpersonally concerned and empathetic, still entitled and deficient in reciprocity; bold in environments, self-confident, competitive, seeks high targets, feels unique; talent in leadership positions; expecting of recognition from others.

Possible additional categories (not cited by the current theory of Millon might include):

Fanatic narcissist: Including paranoid features. Grandiose delusions are irrational and flimsy; pretentious, expensive supercilious contempt and arrogance toward others; lost pride reestablished with extravagant claims and fantasies. Reclassified under paranoid personality disorder.

Hedonistic narcissist: Mix of Millon’s initial four subtypes Hedonistic and self-deceptive, avoidant of responsibility and blame, shifted onto others; idiosyncratic, often self-biographical, proud of minor quirks and achievements, conflict-averse and sensitive to rejection; procrastinative, self-undoing, avolitive, ruminantly introspective; the most prone to fantastic inner worlds that replace social life.

Malignant narcissist Including antisocial, sadistic and paranoid features. Fearless, guiltless, remorseless, calculating, ruthless, inhumane, callous, brutal, rancorous, aggressive, biting, merciless, vicious, cruel, spiteful; hateful and jealous; anticipates betrayal and seeks punishment; desires revenge; has been isolated, and is potentially suicidal or homicidal.

Will Titshaw also suggested three subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder. These are not officially recognized in any editions of the DSM or the ICD-10.

Pure Narcissist: Mainly just NPD characteristics. Someone who has narcissistic features described in the DSM and ICD and lacks features from other personality disorders.

Attention Narcissist Including histrionic (HPD) features. They display the traditional NPD characteristics described in the ICD & DSM along with histrionic features due to the fact that they think they are superior and therefore they should have everyone’s attention, and when they do not have everyone’s attention they go out of their way to capture the attention of as many people as possible.

Beyond The Rules Narcissist :Including antisocial (ASPD) features. This type of narcissist thinks that because they are so superior to everyone they do not have to follow the rules like most people and therefore show behavior included in the ICD for dissocial personality disorder and behavior, included in the DSM for antisocial personality disorder.

Causes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

The exact cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is unknown; however, many psychologists believe that this shame-based disorder derives from a combination of biological, genetic, and social factors. It’s likely that the narcissist grew up in an extreme environment: living with neglect and abuse, pushed toward perfection or being praised for “having special talents.”

The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown,The causes of narcissistic personality disorder are unknown. Experts tend to apply a biopsychosocial model of causation, meaning that a combination of environmental, social, genetic and neurobiological factors are likely to play a role in formulating a narcissistic personality.

Genetic Factors

There is evidence that narcissistic personality disorder is inheritable, and people are much more likely to develop NPD if there is a family history of the disorder. Studies on the occurrence of personality disorders in twins determined that there is a moderate to high inheritability for narcissistic personality disorder.

However, the specific genes and gene interactions that contribute to its cause – and how they may influence the developmental and physiological processes underlying this condition – have yet to be determined.

Environment

Environmental and social factors are also thought to have a significant influence on the onset of NPD. In some people, pathological narcissism may develop from an impaired attachment to their primary caregivers, usually their parents. This can result in the child’s perception of himself/herself as unimportant and unconnected to others. The child typically comes to believe they have some personality defect that makes them unvalued and unwanted. Overindulgent, permissive parenting as well as insensitive, over-controlling parenting, are believed to be contributing factors.

According to Leonard Groopman and Arnold Cooper, the following have been identified by various researchers as possible factors that promote the development of NPD:

An oversensitive temperament (personality traits) at birth.

Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.

Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood.

Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers.

Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults.

Severe emotional abuse in childhood.

Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents.

Learning manipulative behaviors from parents or peers.

Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem.

Cultural elements are believed to influence the prevalence of NPD as well since NPD traits have been found to be more common in modern societies than in traditional ones.

What Are The Co-morbid Conditions Associated With NPD?

NPD has a high rate of comorbidity with other mental disorders. People with NPD are prone to bouts of depression, often meeting criteria for co-occurring depressive disorders.

In addition, NPD is associated with bipolar disorder, anorexia, and substance use disorders, especially cocaine. As far as other personality disorders, NPD may be associated with histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and paranoid personality disorders.

Symptoms Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Narcissistic personality disorder usually develops in adolescence or early adulthood. It is not uncommon for children and adolescents to display traits similar to those of NPD, but such occurrences are usually transient, so it’s important to get an actual diagnosis before assuming their teen has NPD.

True symptoms of NPD are pervasive, apparent in various situations, and rigid, remaining consistent over time. The NPD symptoms must be sufficiently severe that they significantly impair the person’s capabilities to develop meaningful human relationships. Generally, the symptoms of NPD also impair the person’s psychological abilities to function, either at work, or school, or important social settings. The DSM-5 indicates that the traits shown by the person must substantially differ from cultural norms, in order to qualify as symptoms of NPD.

According to the DSM-5: “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.” Due to the high-functionality associated with narcissism, some people may not view it as an impairment in their lives.

Although overconfidence tends to make individuals with NPD ambitious, it does not necessarily lead to success and high achievement professionally.

These people can be unwilling to compete or may refuse to take any risks in order to avoid appearing like a failure. In addition, their inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreements, or criticism, along with lack of empathy, make it difficult for these people to work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional relationships with superiors and colleagues.

The DSM-5 indicates that persons with NPD usually display some or all of the following symptoms (most often without the qualities or accomplishments they believe to have):

Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people

Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness

Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions

Needing continual admiration from others

Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others

Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain

Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people

Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them

Pompous and arrogant demeanor

People with NPD tend to exaggerate their skills, accomplishments, and their level of intimacy with people they consider high-status. This sense of superiority may cause them to monopolize conversations or to become impatient or disdainful when others talk about themselves. When their own ego is wounded by a real or perceived criticism (triggering narcissistic rage); narcissistic rage and anger is usually disproportionate to the situation, but generally, their actions and responses are deliberate and calculated.

Narcissistic people can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others’ needs and the effects of their behavior on others, and insist that others see them as they wish to be seen. Narcissistic individuals use various strategies to protect themselves and their beliefs at the expense of others. They tend to devalue, derogate, insult, and blame others, and they often respond to threatening feedback with anger and hostility.

Since the fragile ego of individuals with NPD is hypersensitive to perceived criticism or defeat, they are prone to feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness over minor or even imagined incidents. They usually mask these feelings from others with feigned humility or by isolating themselves socially, or they may react with outbursts of rage, defiance, or by revenge seeking.

The merging of the “inflated self-concept” and the “actual self” is seen in the inherent grandiosity of narcissistic personality disorder. Also at the heart of this process are the defense mechanisms of denial, idealization, and devaluation.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Are self-centered and boastful

Seek constant attention and admiration

Consider themselves better than others

Exaggerate their talents and achievements

Believe that they are entitled to special treatment

Are easily hurt but might not show it

Might take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Exaggerates his or her own importance

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence or ideal romance

Believes he or she is special and can only be understood by other special people or institutions

Requires constant attention and admiration from others

Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy

Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of him or her

Shows arrogant behaviors and attitudes

A narcissist often exhibits intense and unstable emotions when their self-concept is challenged.

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include:

Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love

Belief that he or she is “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special people

Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants

Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others

Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat; possibly reacting with rage, shame, and humiliation

Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

The narcissistic individual’s sense of self is extremely distorted. A narcissist feels they must demonstrate feelings of superiority to compensate for a severe lack of self-esteem.

Treatment For Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder rarely seek treatment, as they genuinely believe that everyone else is the problem.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging because people with this condition present with a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it difficult for them to acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities. Individual and group psychotherapy may be useful in helping people with narcissistic personality disorder relate to others in a healthier and more compassionate way.

Mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and schema-focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of treating narcissistic personality disorder.

If the individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is extremely impulsive, tests reality, or is self-destructive, they may end up in a medical facility to treat those fall-outs and receive a diagnosis there.

Psychotherapy can be helpful for Depression and difficulties within the narcissist’s interpersonal relationships.

Group therapy can be especially helpful for those with NPD, as they are put into a situation where a group (without an authority figure) challenges their psychological beliefs.

The Children Of Those Who Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Read more about ACONs, Adult Children of Narcissists.

It’s clear that there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world who were raised by at least one narcissist, and it wreaked havoc on our self-esteem, feelings of well-being and safety, and confidence and courage.

Being raised by a narcissist makes us believe that throughout our lives, we are just not “good enough” despite everything we try and bending over backwards to please others.

Children of narcissists who don’t become one themselves often have a common coping mechanism to deal with this: capitulation and sublimation (perhaps not the healthiest but effective). Give the narcissist what they want and then move on. It’s the path of least resistance, right? Except that by doing so, there are greater implications.

Ultimately, it prevents these adult children of narcissists (ACON) from developing certain relationship and emotional boundaries as we get older. It’s not easy to do when you’re used to giving someone they “love” free reign to walk all over them. Narcissistic parents do not just disempower their us, they rob us entirely of our power, often leading us to seek extremely codependent relationships.

The unhealed wound of the child of a narcissist can also create a vacuum easily filled by adding another narcissist in our lives, often in our friendships and romantic relationships. Since we’ve learned not to be bothered by their parents’ narcissistic and self-absorbed behaviors, we subconsciously draw narcissists to us.

And narcissists, who are so adept at recognizing pressure points and how far to push boundaries, will engage in the same kind of push/pull dynamic we’ve had been normalized during our childhood.

These behaviors that seem disrespectful might very well be excused in a friend because like the parent, “that’s just how they are.”

NPD damages your boundaries; the invisible barriers between you and your outside systems that regulate the flow of information and input between you and these systems. These damaged boundaries may thwart your ability to communicate authentically and powerfully, and taint your own self-concept, which in turn damages your relationships and your capability to thrive personally and professionally in the world.

Most adult children of narcissists (ACONs) never get the help they need to recover and heal, because we have no idea that what we’ve experienced as children is unhealthy and destructive.

Often, we, as children of narcissists, are overly-sensitive, deeply insecure, unable to see ourselves as good, worthy, and lovable. What’s worse is that we’re so familiar with narcissism (because we’ve dealt with it all their lives) that we unconsciously attract it into their lives, through our adult relationships, and in our work cultures, and careers.

Feeling like we are never, ever good enough or valuable enough

We can be deeply afraid to speak up confidently or challenge others

We are quite attuned (to an almost uncanny degree) to what everyone around us is feeling, as we have a hyper-sensitivity to what others are experiencing. This is the way we survived living with a narcissistic parent, which can lead to our inability to protect themselves from others’ emotions.

We may feel chronically unsure of ourselves, and overly-concerned about what others think of us

We are very insecure, because we’ve never experienced unconditional love. Any love or care that we got through out childhood was only under certain challenging conditions that made ues feel inauthentic and fake.

We may discover that the relationships we form (either at work or in personal life) are deeply challenging and unsatisfying (and even toxic and frightening). When we step back and look at these relationships honestly, we see narcissism all around them and they have no idea how to deal with this.

Finally, we feel used and beaten up by our work, by our bosses. and our colleagues, and can’t understand why our careers are so challenged and difficult.

If the above experiences resonate with you, it’s time to gain greater awareness of what you’ve experienced in childhood, so you can have greater choice over your thoughts, mindsets and behaviors in order to heal.

We don’t just “get over” being raised by a narcissist. It takes strong therapeutic support to “peel back the onion” and heal the wounds — to have the courage to look at the specific brand of narcissism you experienced (it’s different in every family), how this has impacted you, and the way you operate, and learn new behaviors that will allow you to heal the child within and become the adult you long to be.

Romantic Relationships And The Narcissist: 

Relationships with a narcissist are never about partnership because the nature of narcissistic love is a one-sided, mental, and/or physical connection that dictates the terms of the relationship. In romantic relationships, narcissists use scripted “romantic” gestures or words to express their “love.”

Sex will often dominate in a relationship with a narcissist. They will “do” more than “feel” in a relationship because they have an extremely limited emotional range.

If you choose a narcissist as a lover (although really they’re the ones choosing you), you may find your entire reality turned upside down. It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist and not realize what hit you. They charm you, come off responsible, and in control.

On the surface, they seem like the whole package.

We’ve been socialized to look for a lot of attributes that narcissists possess in a partner. Romance books are filled with narcissistic men who are beautiful, possessive, jealous, and financially successful. Like every fairy tale or vapid romantic comedy, these books prop up this fantasy male who wants only the female character and will stop at nothing until he has her.

His love will make her feel special, chosen; even saved.

And, in turn, she will surrender her entire self to him, allowing obsession to become possession.

We’ve been programmed to love the narcissist and forsake our self-respect, our identities, and our power in the process. Nothing matters besides to serving and placating this person to whom we are indebted for their “love,” even if their love comes from a dark, twisted place. It’s very rare that we are able to notice how dark and bad things have become. A narcissist is excellent at getting us to put up with more than we should, get us to ignore their instincts, as well as control it so that we only see what they want us to see.

You can get a real high or rush from getting the love from a narcissist. This love makes feel great about ourselves; if someone held in such high esteem (whether that esteem matches reality is part of the narcissist’s game). Then, we reflect back what they ultimately want to see and believe about themselves, which is that they’re a really — fill in the blank — amazing, wonderful, incredible, generous, all around ideal person. It’s a real ego boost to appear so cared for (it’s all about appearances) to be with someone who has it “together” and provides for you.

It’s a cycle, and once you’re in it, it feels really good.

Until it doesn’t.

Inevitably, as with any relationship, there will be opportunities for growth as well as challenges. If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, they’re rarely bumps in the relationship, – they’re landmines, and before you know it you may find yourself in a a field of these landmines. Things you didn’t see until they’re too late.

One misstep (or perceived misstep) and they go into a narcissistic rage.

Narcissistic rage is the response to narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury occurs when a narcissistic individual perceives to be criticized so deeply that it creates severe emotional pain or scarring. It throws them from the invisible throne of superiority down into the masses.

Some narcissists can be very nasty and say mean, horrible, awful things that can cut us to our core if and when we challenge them. Other narcissists may be overly critical, spouting out criticisms about co-workers or family members –  things we easily excuse or dismiss. The narcissist acting this way because he or she is  tired, hungry, stressed out, or having a really bad day.

They will eventually turn on you and you will become the source of their narcissistic rage.

The longer we’re in a relationship with a narcissist, the worse it becomes. We may internalize the criticism so much that we honestly everything that bothers or upsets him or her is our fault.

We may not have much room for our friends because dealing with a narcissist can be so time and energy-consuming, or they may not want to share us with our friends.

Whatever the reason, it’s the shame/guilt cycle that we don’t realize until much later, as it’s now accepted it as a normal relationship dynamic. 

Over time, we may find ourselves walking on eggshells around them, ensuring we don’t say or do the wrong thing to trigger them.

That’s always the rub with narcissists: we hurt them; it’s never the other way around unless we deserved it – but we always end up feeling we really deserved it. That’s the guilt. We are made to feel we perpetrated the wrong, and we are thereby doomed to feel shame over it.

One of the most difficult things about dealing with the guilt of being in relationship with a narcissist is realizing that if we want to save ourselves from the relationship, we have to let it go. 

Am I Dating Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

How do you know when you’re dealing with a narcissist?

While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to exhibit habitually several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how his or her actions affect others.

Charming: Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.

Breaks the Rules: The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping (some will overtip to show off), stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.

Conversation Stealer: The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

Violates Your Boundaries: he or she shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for his or her personal lack of respect

Conversation Interrupter: While many people have the poor communication habit of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself. He or she shows little genuine interest in you.

Pretending To Be They’re Something They’re Not: Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.

In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self.

These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated.

The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am—I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

In a big way, these external symbols become pivotal parts of the narcissist’s false identity, replacing the real and injured self.

Psychological Manipulator: They think of others as extensions of themselves, making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.

They’re Owed: Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their firmly held beliefs, the world genuinely revolves around them. Grandiose, Over-The-Top Personality: narcissists think of themselves as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, and one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.

Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations.

They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). Narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you.

Some narcissists are emotionally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

Am I A Victim Of Narcissistic Abuse?

See also: Emotional abuse

See also: Psychological Manipulation

Imagine this: your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned, and gaslighted into believing that you are imagining things. The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered into a million little pieces.

Your sense of self has been eroded, diminished. You were idealized, devalued, then shoved off the pedestal. Perhaps you were even replaced and discarded multiple times, only to be lured back into an abuse cycle that’s more torturous than it was before. Maybe you were relentlessly stalked, harassed, and bullied to stay with your abuser.

This was no normal break-up or relationship: this was a set-up for covert and insidious murder of your psyche and sense of safety in the world. There may not be visible scars to tell the tale; all you have are broken pieces, fractured memories, and internal battle wounds.

This Is What Narcissistic Abuse Looks Like:

Psychological violence by malignant narcissists can include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, triangulation, along with a plethora of other forms of coercion and control. The narcissist is someone who lacks empathy, demonstrates an excessive sense of entitlement, and uses interpersonal exploitation to meet his or her needs at the expense of the rights of others.

As a result of chronic abuse, you may struggle with symptoms of PTSD, Complex PTSD if they had additional traumas like being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.” The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can include depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, a pervasive sense of toxic shame, emotional flashbacks that regress you back to the abusive incidents, as well as overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.

When we are in the midst of an ongoing abuse cycle, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what we are experiencing because abusers are able to twist and turn reality to suit their own needs, engage in intense love-bombing after abusive incidents, and convince us that we are the abusers.

If you find yourself experiencing any of the symptoms below and you are (or have been) in a toxic relationship with a partner that disrespects, invalidates and mistreats you, you may just have been terrorized by an emotional predator:

You Isolate Yourself:

Many abusers isolate you as a power play, but you also isolate themselves because you feel ashamed about the abuse you’re experiencing. Given the victim-blaming and misconceptions about emotional and psychological violence in society, you may even be re-traumatized by law enforcement, family members, friends, and the harem members of the narcissist who might invalidate their perceptions of the abuse.

You fear no one will understand or believe you, so instead of reaching out for help, you withdraw from others as a way to avoid judgment and retaliation from your narcissistic abuser.

Dissociation Is How You Survive:

You feel emotionally and/or physically detached from your environment, experiencing disruptions in your memory, perceptions, consciousness and sense of self. As Dr. Van der Kolk (2015) writes in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, “Dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations take on a life of their own.”

Dissociation can lead to emotional numbing in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions, and repression may become your way of life because they give you an escape from your current reality. Your brain finds ways to emotionally block out the impact of your pain so you do not have to deal with the full terror of your circumstances.

You may also develop traumatized inner parts that become disjointed from the personality you inhabit with your abuser or loved ones. These inner parts may include the inner child parts of you never nurtured, the true anger and disgust you feel towards your abuser and parts of yourselves you feel you cannot express around them.

According to therapist Rev. Sheri Heller (2015), “Integrating and reclaiming dissociated and disowned aspects of the personality is largely dependent on constructing a cohesive narrative, which allows for the assimilation of emotional, cognitive, and physiological realities.” This inner integration is best done with the help of a trauma-based therapist.

You Become Distrustful Of All People:

The longer the abuse persists, the more you believe each person now represents a threat; you find yourself becoming anxious about the intentions of others, especially having experienced the malicious actions of someone you once trusted.

Your usual caution becomes hypervigilance.

Since the narcissistic abuser has worked hard to gaslight you into believing that your experiences are invalid, you have a hard time trusting anyone, including yourself.

You Walk On Constant Eggshells: 

A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma – whether it be people, places, or activities that pose that threat. Whether it be your friend, your partner, your family member, co-worker or boss, you find yourself constantly watching what you say or do around this person lest you incur their wrath, punishment, or become the object of their envy.

However, you realize that this does not work and you’re still the abuser’s target whenever he or she feels entitled to use you as an emotional punching bag.

You become perpetually anxious about ‘provoking’ your abuser in any way and may avoid confrontation or setting boundaries as a result.

You may also extend your people-pleasing behavior outside of the abusive relationship, losing your ability to be spontaneous or assertive while navigating the outside world, especially with people who resemble or are associated with your abuser and the abuse.

You’ve Stopped Being You:

You may have once been full of life, goal-driven, and dream-oriented. Now, you feel as if you are living just to fulfill the needs of another person. Once, the narcissist’s entire life seemed to revolve around you; now your entire life revolves around them.

You may have placed your goals, hobbies, friendships and personal safety on the back burner just to ensure that your abuser feels ‘satisfied’ in the relationship.

Of course, you soon realize that he or she will never truly be satisfied regardless of what you do or don’t do. You are struggling with health issues and somatic symptoms that represent your psychological turmoil.

Health Issues Begin To Arise That Represent Your Inner Psychological Turmoil:

You may have gained or lost a significant amount of weight, developed serious health issues that did not exist prior and experienced physical symptoms of premature aging. The stress of chronic abuse has sent your cortisol levels into overdrive and your immune system has taken a severe hit, leaving you vulnerable to physical ailments and disease.

You find yourself unable to sleep or experiencing terrifying nightmares when you do, reliving the trauma through emotional or visual flashbacks that bring you back to the site of the original wounds.

You Experience Suicidal Thoughts And Engage In Self-Harming Behaviors:

Along with depression and anxiety may come an increased sense of hopelessness pervading your life.

Your circumstances feel unbearable, as if you cannot escape, even if you wanted to. You develop a sense of learned helplessness that makes you feel as if you don’t wish to survive another day. You may even engage in self-harm as a way to cope. As Dr. McKeon, chief of the suicide prevention branch at SAMHSA notes, victims of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times. This is the way abusers essentially commit murder without a trace.

You Compare Yourself To Others, And Blame Yourself For The Abuse:

A narcissistic abuser is highly skilled at manufacturing love triangles or bringing another person into the dynamic of the relationship to further terrorize the you. As a result, you internalize the fear that you are not enough and may constantly strive to ‘compete’ for the abuser’s attention and approval.

You may also compare yourself to others in happier, healthier relationships or find themselves wondering why your abuser appears to treat complete strangers with more respect. This can send you down the trapdoor of wondering, “why me?” and stuck in an abyss of self-blame.

The truth is, the abuser is the person who should be blamed – you are in no way responsible for being abused.

You Sabotage Yourself And Self-Destruct:

You may often find yourself ruminating over the abuse and hearing the abuser’s voice in your minds, amplifying your negative self-talk and tendency towards self-sabotage.

Malignant narcissists ‘program’ and condition their victims to self-destruct – sometimes even to the point of driving them to suicide.

Due to the narcissist’s covert and overt put-downs, verbal abuse and hypercriticism, you may develop a tendency to punish yourself because you carry such toxic shame. The abuser may sabotage you goals, dreams, and academic pursuits. The abuser has instilled in you a sense of worthlessness and you begin to believe that you are undeserving of good things.

You’re Afraid To Do What You Love, Are Afraid of Success:

As many pathological predators are envious of their victims, they punish their victims for succeeding. This conditions you to associate their joys, interests, talents, and areas of success with cruel and callous treatment. This conditioning gets you to fear success lest you be met with reprisal and reprimand.

As a result, you may become depressed, anxious, lack confidence and you may hide from the spotlight to allow your abusers to ‘steal’ the show again and again. Realize that your abuser is not undercutting your gifts because they truly believe you are inferior; it is because those gifts threaten their control over you.

You Protect Your Narcissist And Rationalize The Abuse:

Rationalizing, minimizing and denying the abuse are often survival mechanisms for people in an abusive relationship. In order to reduce the confusion that erupts when the person who claims to love you mistreats you, victims of abuse convince themselves that the abuser is really not ‘all that bad’ or that they must have done something to ‘provoke’ the abuse.

It is important to reduce this cognitive dissonance by reading up on the narcissistic personality and abuse tactics; this way, you are able to reconcile your current reality with the narcissist’s false self by recognizing that the abusive personality, not the charming facade, is really who they are underneath it all..

Remember that an intense trauma bond is often formed between the victim and abuser because the victim is ‘trained’ to rely on the abuser for his or her survival. You may protect your abusers from legal consequences, portray a happy image of the relationship on social media or overcompensate by ‘sharing the blame’ of the abuse.

Leaving A Narcissist:

See also Domestic Abuse

See also Estrangement

Narcissists are hard nuts to crack. Don’t fall in love with a narcissist or entertain illusions they’re capable of the give and take necessary for intimacy. In such relationships, you’ll always be emotionally alone to some degree. If you have a withholding narcissist spouse, beware of trying to win the nurturing you never got from your parents; it’s not going to happen. Also, don’t expect to have your sensitivity honored. These people sour love with all the hoops you must jump through to please them.

Here are some suggestions for leaving a narcissist (or becoming estranged from them):

Don’t Fall For Their Manipulations

They will use every trick in the book to get you back so be prepared. Narcissists are really convincing. When you are ready to leave, stick to your convictions and move on to a more positive future filled with real love.

Set Limits and Boundaries 

Since narcissists have no empathy, and cannot really love, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain. Set limits and say “no” to them and in your heart.

Then gather all your strength and keep walking into the unknown towards something better.

Enforce a “no contact” rule with your girl or boyfriend in order to take the time to heal, assess the situation and regain your emotional strength.

Focus on the Future

Once detached from a narcissist it is extremely important than you focus all your positive energy and thoughts on doing good things for yourself and the world. Don’t let your mind wander to the past or to what he is doing.

Be Kind to Yourself

Treasure yourself. Be very kind to yourself and know that you deserve a loving relationship with someone who can reciprocate that love.

Regain Your Self-Esteem

Regain your self-confidence and self love.  It is paramount that you regain your own sense of self worth and reject people that abuse, control or lie to you in your life.

It is self preservation and  right to all of us.

Be Safe

Leave the relationship in a safe manner. If you feel threatened by your spouse, enlist friends or family to assist you in your exit. Always be safe, and be smart.

Talk It Out

Find a friend to confide in. You may feel you have lost your support system due to the relationship demands of a narcissistic spouse, but chances are you have not. You need someone to confide in that you can trust.

Support Groups

Join a support group. Codependents Anonymous, or CODA, is a place to share your feelings and provides support and insight into healing from a traumatic relationship.

Why It’s Hard For You To Leave A Narcissist:

See also estrangement resources

See also: codependency resources

Giving Up Control to Your Partner

Often, you will find yourself giving up control in your life to keep your partner happy. Your trips to see your family and friends may shorten and become farther apart in time. You may give up your finances to keep the peace, or maybe you feel like a stranger redecorated your house because there is nothing of you in it. Although it is disturbing, it may be better than the continuous “bad mood” and incessant bickering of your partner if you don’t comply. Eventually, the narcissist may have taken over your life and you feel as though you have become helpless without him.

Treating the Narcissistic Behavior as Normal

As a good person, you may believe that eventually the narcissist will come around and love you back with the same compassion that you provide them. The idea of give and take in a relationship is a valued component of a love match that the narcissist is not capable of in the long term. If they promise not to treat you as they have in the past, they cannot not sustain the facade for very long.

They Know How To Push Your Buttons

It is common to leave a narcissist spouse or partner several times before the final breakup. They know what you want to hear and will promise to become the person that will treat you better, not abuse you, not lie to you, not control you, be more flexible, give you your space, trust you, etc. But a true narcissist cannot sustain those ideals and eventually return to their former behavior.

Narcissists Keep Returning to Win You Back

A narcissistic spouse will ask you to come back at intervals and will lie and promise anything if you to return. When you agree to “loving them” you feed the narcissistic supply of admiration and adoration in your narcissistic spouse. Usually, just when you feel you are healing and ready to move on, the narcissist returns with gifts and promises of showing you how they love you. Eventually, you find that nothing has changed in the relationship.

Steps to Leave a Narcissist 

Recognize the Symptoms

Take Action

Reclaim Your Life

Your partner takes up all of your time

Find friends and family for support and help leaving

Leave the relationship very carefully and be safe

Your partner has control over all the finances

Open a new account and try to keep your money separate

Restore your financial control and regain your independence

Your partner acts out in anger or violence against you when you mention leaving

Call the police and have it documented that this person has violent tendencies. Verbal threats are as violent as physical assault

Have your partner removed and file a restraining order to keep them away

Take a “no contact” break from the relationship

The hardest part of leaving is staying apart, making a no contact rule will give you time to live on your own terms

Living alone will be hard, but reclaiming your life will give you back much of your confidence

Take a look at yourself before you start dating again

Before dating again, investigate why you were attracted to this relationship to begin with

Join support groups or engage in therapy if needed. A healthy individual attracts healthy people.

Additional Narcissistic Personality Disorder Resources:

Codependents Anonymous, or CODA, is a place to share your feelings and provides support and insight into healing from a traumatic relationship.