#hidan is a victim

[yourblankey]

Snow-Woman

Pairing: platonic!Deidara x platonic!fem!reader, platonic!Hidan x platonic!fem!reader, platonic!male!OC x platonic!fem!reader

Genre: crack, comedy, christmas time, detailed snow-woman, snow ball fights

Summary: Deidara and Hidan drag Y/n and Yumo (male oc) out of the lair— even when Pain had advised them not to go outside for the day— to build a snow-woman.

WARNING: inappropriate language, swearing, mentions of female body parts, violence(?), touching, and Hidan.

A/N: Another re-write! For those who might be confused, Yumo is the male OC that is Y/n's partner in the Akatsuki.

It was a snowy, cold day near the Akatsuki's hideout. The members of said organisation were ordered to stay indoors due to the height of the snow that had fallen the night before.

But two Akatsuki members just couldn't keep their excitement for snow in their minds. And they just had to force two other members to come with them.

"Y/nnnnnnnn! Come on! It's bright and cool outside." Deidara whined to Y/n while trying to pull her out of bed. With her strength, she held onto the bed stand to prevent Deidara from getting her out of bed. "It's way too bright. Besides, Pain said not to go out today."

The long-haired boy groaned and sat on her bed. "If you don't come out, I'll rip your books." She opened her eyes just a little bit and looked at him.

"You wouldn't dare."

"You're right, I wouldn't dare.”

She stays silent for about five seconds before sighing. "Fine fine I'll get ready. But we better not get caught. I'm only going out so I can get some of that nice, fresh air. I can't stand the smell in this hideout."

"Afraid of your own kind, Yumo? Just get the hell out of bed!" The sleeping boy did not respond to the jashinist. "Dammit man! What's the harm?" Hidan slaps Yumo's leg, but creates no effect on the male. "Pain." Yumo responds tiredly.

Deidara walks into the room with a tired Y/n. Yumo finally looks up. "Yeah, everyone. Come to my room. We're having a party." He voices sarcastically.

"Man you too? Though you would want to be with your family." Deidara said, pointing to the window. "Oh wait you can't see them." Yumo's head snaps up to retort about the offensive comment until Hidan had shot the curtains open. The light immediately covered the room; the colour and brightness of the snow made it worse.

"ACK!" Yumo yelled out in surprise and covered his eyes. Y/n closed her eyes and fell onto her partner's bed. "You two are just overreacting. Now get dressed up. We're gonna go outside."

The four Akatsuki members step further away from their base. "Did we really have to come out now? It's still snowing for Pain's sake..." Y/n muttered, taking big steps in the 3-inch snow. "He's going to deduct our pay for not listening!" She continued, kicking the snow at Hidan. "Hey! Watch it bit—"

Deidara turned to the three. "We'll be back in soon! Besides, deducting our pay would be too much." Yumo scoffed. "Too much? Pain himself is too much." Y/n and Hidan nod in agreement.

Then Deidara stopped in his place. "This is it. Today, lady and gentlemen, we're making a snow-woman!" Hidan clapped while Yumo and Y/n remained silent.

"Okay now what does that have to do with us?" Yumo asked, clearly tired of Deidara's and Hidan's shenanigans. "Well Hidan is a pervert and will know the sizes and shapes of a woman's body—" The gray-haired male's head snaps towards the Barbie.

"HEY—"

"Y/n is a woman herself. Self-explanatory."

"DON'T IGNORE ME—"

"And Yumo, my friend..."

Deidara approaches Yumo and places his hands on his shoulder. "You know everything about the human body." Then it was a quiet staring contest between the two until the blunt male breaks it. "It's snow."

Hidan was rolling the second ball of snow for the torso of the body. "I can't believe I'm doing this..." Yumo muttered, patting the snow on the body.

The jashinist placed the second ball on top of the bottom a little too aggressively that pieces of the snow splattered onto Yumo and Y/n. "Calm down you jack-ass." The only lady said, kicking his ankle. "You calm down, woman." He said, looking at Deidara.

The yellow-haired male was panting heavily while rolling a small ball of snow for the head. "Tired already?" Y/n called out, shaping out the torso. "S-Shut up!" Deidara exclaimed out of embarrassment and exhaustion.

The female sighs. "Hidan, get the boobs." He nods and puts his hands on her chest. "What the fuck are you doing? I meant for the snow-woman you stupid twat!" He quickly takes his hands off, afraid of getting hit by Y/n. He quickly walks away and gathers small balls of snow.

Yumo comes back from who knows where and shows Y/n two pebbles. "Nipples." He simply says and she nods. "Accurate."

After a few minutes, the four had successfully created a life-sized snow-woman. Hidan yelled out in victory, hitting Yumo's arm.

Yumo had a snow ball bawled up in his hands. After a second of Hidan hitting his arm, he swung his hand right in the other male's face and shoved the snow in his mouth.

Y/n and Deidara laughed and stepped back. Hiss immediately spat out the snow. "Y-You choked me!" Hidan grabbed snow from behind him and attempted to swing the ball at Yumo but he ended up hitting the female. "Oh shit—"

Y/n got some snow and flung it at Hidan. Deidara decided to join in and also got snow. He hit Hidan's ass pretty hard. "WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE HITING ME?!"

He began kicking the snow towards Yumo who had dodged it. At this point, the three youngsters circled around Hidan and attacked him with snow balls.

Deidara threw the snow ball at Hidan, though he dodged and the ball ended up hitting Yumo. "Oops." The white-haired male threw a snow-ball back to the Barbie, who yelped and threw himself to the side.

Yumo and Y/n start attacking both Hidan and Deidara. The two partners were side by side, hitting the other members who were hiding behind trees.

"HEY THATS NO FAIR THE STRONGEST MEMBERS ARE ATTACKING BOTH OF US!" Hidan screamed, trying to throw another snowball at Y/n but she hits him right in the face. Deidara laughs at him, making him growl. "Oh yeah, you little girl?!" He throws a snow ball at him. "Hey!"

They all laughed and screamed at each other while throwing snow-balls at each other's faces. It was probably the most fun they've had in a while.

Though unfortunately, their fun was cut short. A familiar orange-haired leader had come out, knowing that his youngest members were up to no good. He growled in annoyance. He wasn't at all surprised but he was disappointed.

"Everybody." The four immediately froze in their places, snowballs in hand and poses intact. "I thought I had told you to stay indoors."

They all awkwardly straightened up and approached their leader, looking down and unable to meet his eye.

Pain looked down at them, his arms crossed and a face with no emotion except with a little anger. "I'm deducting 40% off your pay." The troublemakers then started making noises of dissatisfaction.

"C'mon Pain! We just wanted to have fun—"

"Play your ridiculous board games inside. Now go."

Deidara sighs and looks down, dejected. The four start slowly walking to the hideout. Hidan had an angry and defeated expression. Yumo had a blank expression. Y/n straight up looked sad.

"Man, this is all your fault..." Deidara muttered to Hidan, who irked at the comment. "MY FAULT?! THIS WAS YOUR IDEA." He yelled at him, making the Barbie cover his ears. "You might've scared off the entire area." Yumo mumbled, not wanting to talk but he wanted to insult him anyway. "SHUT UP!" Y/n slapped the back of his head, making the jashinist hiss in pain.

As the four were out of sight, Pain looked back at the snow-woman they had built. He started to walk around it.

"I see they had made a sculpture of a woman. With Yumo's skills, he was able to correctly determine the average size of breasts for this height. Hidan is just a pervert. Deidara knows how to shape and size it due to his useful skill for making clay. Y/n is a lady herself..." He mumbled to himself.

"... I guess I'll just deduct 30% off their pay. They did a good job, after all. Even during this weather. They even took the time to have that ridiculous snow ball fight." Pain finally said.

Then suddenly, the tree branch above him couldn't stand it any longer and dropped a lot of snow onto him.

[bjclosed]

Doctor Hidan x Female Patient Kakuzu

Hidan wants to save Kakuzu but she doesn't want to be in debt with him. Their relationship is merely platonic.

Hidan is a black market doctor so he works in a cheap hospital. Kakuzu finds out after coming back from work and presences how Hidan does his real job.

They ache for each other but they don't want to cross the line because it could be just transference by being too much in contact.

[myscultra]

made more fruit akatsuki wooooo!!

my thought process on this one was uhhh man idk, strawberry matches Itachi's eyes and kisame's hair looks like the top of a pineapple, you cant say i'm wrong.

[doroooooooo]

The way characters behave at the Kakuzu and Hidan arc (idk if that's the proper way to say it) just shows how many of them is a hypocrite. If they catched a random ninja instead of Shikamaru going like "I want to take revenge, to bury alive an immortal, and kill a guy who never had a minute of comfort in his 91 years if living" THE WAY they would stop them.

But we'll, since it was their precious friend, of course it's justified!

Kakuzu was betrayed horribly by his own village. He didn't have his kinjutsu when he was sent to fight Hashirama. He didn't care about money yet - meaning he accepted the mission out of loyalty, just to be punished for failing to do what motherfucking Madara Uchiha and the rest of the shinobi world also couldn't.

And Hidan is literally a confused kid. He has no concept of how normal people function. He grew up seeing "neighbor kill neighbor", so he thought that was normal. He says peaceful shinobis don't exist, because they would chose fight over death. HE IS LITERALLY A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF A NEURODIVERGENT PERSON GETTING EASILY BRAINWASHED BY A CULT.

They are BOTH easily redeemable characters, compared to Gaara, or freaking Orochimaru. Mind you, Orochimaru never regretted what he did, never even stopped, he just found a new thing to work on.

Also Asuma's death was NOT personal. Hidan had no reason to attack before they did, and Kakuzu wasn't even there when it started. Asuma died because he started a fight he couldn't win.

So yes, Naruto could have easily talk no jutsu-d his way out of this one.

And don't even get me started on Kakashi's little speech when Kakuzu died. Darling. It's NOT your space to give a speech, when the only thing that saved you was someone literally backstabbing your enemy. We all know how that fight would've ended if Naruto didn't show up.

My freaking overthinking roman empire is the way Hidan still cared about Kakuzu, despite them not getting along. Bless his soul that yelling when Kakuzu got hit. Also the way Hidan behaves at the beginning of the fight.

So yeah, little rant. In a way I find it awesome writing tho. Showing even generally good hearted characters to be a hypocrite when the victim was someone they knew, and turn completely OOC.

Or at least I would, but there we got Obito who Naruto had no problem with.

[ladykissingfish]

*Hidan walks into Itachi’s room, where he finds him and Deidara sitting on his bed*

Hidan: Hey fuckers. You guys in here banging?

Deidara: Not right this second, you demonic asshole. We’re doing each others hair.

Itachi: Would you like to join us? Today we’re doing a deep-conditioning treatment that’s supposed to —

Hidan: Nah; I don’t care all that much about my head. But you know what’d help me out? If you guys convinced ‘Kuzu to join ya sometime.

Deidara, surprised: Kakuzu? Wait, he actually has hair under that wrap-thing he’s always got on??

Hidan: Yeah. It’s long and dark, kinda like red-eyes’ except more brown than black. But the fucker doesn’t do a thing with that shit; he keeps it tied up all day under that mask and he sweats and shit and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wash it. It don’t matter when we’re out or fighting someone or shit but when it’s time to fuck —

Itachi: Hidan.

Hidan: Fine, you prissy fuck. When it’s time for ‘Kuzu and I to “become intimate”, all that smell and grease can be a real mood-killer. So if you guys are my friends —

Deidara: Pretty strong word, hm.

Hidan: Okay, if you don’t want be my next fuckin’ victims, you’ll make his head and shit pretty for me. *leaves*

*a few days later*

*Hidan, going into Deidara’s room where him and Itachi are doing each other’s hair again*

Hidan: Alright, you dumb fucks. I should kill you both right now!

Deidara: The hell is your problem?! 

Itachi: We did what you asked; we did several treatments on Kakuzu’s hair and now it’s soft and clean AND it smells great. So what —

Hidan: Did I ask you to give him a fucking manicure? Did I ask you to “suggest” he start wearing those tight-ass shirts that show off his muscles?! And which one of you dickwads gave him that new cologne? You fucks made him HOT! You have any idea how many bitches I gotta fight off now when we go out? Thanks for ruining my life, you cunts! *storms out*

Itachi: *sighs* I told you we went overboard with him.

Deidara: Oh, relax … Hidan will be thanking us once he discovers the vibrating tongue ring I gave the old man, hm.

Itachi:

[the-jackal224]

Once, I read a post that, in summary, was a what-if sasori survived his fight with sakura, and it went off the rails into sasori, saving the other akatsuki and then helping stop Madara ignoring Sasori in canon is a misanthropic serial killer who'd if given half an opportunity turned the Akatsuki into puppets.

You ever see a take on the character that, it's not terrible or anything but you just go "yeah you dont know what you're talking about."

[detectivestucks]

The Bet

18+ Content, Minors do NOT interact

Pairing: Tobi x F!Reader

Summery: You are relatively new to the Akatsuki and your best friends Konan makes a wager with you. When you lose, you're forced to take Tobi on a date.

Warnings: NSFW, canon violence, mentions of biting, fingering, oral-male receiving, unprotected penetration, facial.

Word Count: 4.8k

Anon Ask via DM: Been getting a lot of Kakashi request so I was happy to write for Obito again :)

Tobi always had eyes for you. 

Nothing happens in the Akatsuki without his approval but when Konan asked Pain to let you join their troop of miscreants, Tobi overwhelmingly approved of Pain’s decision. You were skilled, vicious, and adorable. You captured the attention of every man you came across. Even when fighting enemies your beauty captivated them. They shamelessly flirted with you as you battle to the death.

“Come on gorgeous, why don’t you drop the katana and I‘ll take you on a nice date?”

“Wow, strong and beautiful. Maybe after this I can take you to dinner.”

“Keep trying to kill me and I might just ask you to marry me.”

The pick up lines were pathetic and met with a resounding rejection that was usually followed by ending their lives. 

Yes, Tobi had eyes for you alright. He felt a twinge of envy for anyone who joined you on missions because you were a brilliant sight to behold when you hunted your target down. You weren't a victim to the harsh realities of the shinobi world. You were the harsh reality of the shinobi world. 

Always hanging around with Konan, the two of you whisper to each other whenever you’re at the hideout between missions. The other members always came over to talk to you, trying to impress you with boyish charm and corny pick up lines. They would leave you in a fit of giggles and whispers while Tobi watched from a distance. He wanted you as much as the other guys but he had a double life to worry about. He’d leave the rest of the crew to hopelessly fawn over you and your seemingly high standards. 

One afternoon the two of you are chatting away in the corner of the main room laughing at Deidara and Hidan who are putting on an impressive display for you both when Tobi walks through. He runs up to his partner and clings onto him for dear life, pretending to be a damsel in distress

“Oh Deidara! There was a mean man outside! Make him go away with your very impressive art.”

He tilts his head to the side and you just know he’s batting his lashes below his mask. You and Konan crack up at his ridiculous mini play. You enjoyed Tobi. He was funny and pissed Deidara off constantly. He was the much needed comic relief amongst a bunch of moody, brooding, arrogant rogue shinobi. However out of all the guys in the gang he was the only one you weren’t interested in. Even Zetzu had a better chance ending up between your legs than the orange masked idiot.

Konan sees you laugh a little too hard at Tobi and nuzzles her lips against your ear,

“What do you think Tobi’s like on a date?”

“Oh gods I hope I never have to find out. He’d probably cling to his girlfriend the way he hangs on Deidara.”

You both snicker at that, certain it’s true.

“Care to make a wager then?”

Konan piques your interest and you lift a brow at her.

“Next mission, the woman with the least kills asks Tobi on a date.”

You turn to her with your mouth open. “Konan! You seriously are willing to keep living here if you lose?”

“Oh I’m not losing.” she says, crossing her arms.

“Well I’m sure as hell not losing either.”

The both of you continue to stare at your animated comrades when you speak again.

“What does the winner get?”

Konan snorts “Not going on a date with Tobi.” 

“Besides that!”

“I don’t know.: She thinks for a quick second. “They have to invite their crush into their bedroom.”

Your eyes dart around the room, not sure who to choose. There were a lot of guys in your gang that you wanted to sleep with. Pain was off limits cause of Konan but Kisame was ripped and had that sexy predator thing going for him. You bet he bites and when he does, it breaks the skin. Then he probably soothes your wounds by licking up the blood while he fucks you stupid on his cock. 

Your eyes pan over to pretty boy Deidara who was gorgeous with hair you wanted to pull while his mouth lapped between your legs. You thought about all the sinful things the mouths on his hands would do to you and it makes you cross your legs.

You look at Hidan who was crazy hot and twisted. You could see him getting freaky during your period and you wanted to surrender to the ‘way of jashin’ for just one night, letting him do whatever he wanted to your naked body. 

Lastly you peer over at the quiet Itachi. Reserved, kept to himself, and well mannered. The kind of guy you could bring home to your mama but was probably a filthy boy in bed. You imagine him slapping you and calling you degrading names while his eyes glow red.

“Can’t decide, huh?” Konan says with a light jab. 

“Well not all of us joined the Akatsuki with our childhood crush.”

“Don’t worry, you won’t have to choose. Cause you’re gonna lose.”

You open your mouth and look at her pretending to be gobsmacked. “Oh it’s on!”

****************************************************

Konan picked a good time to wager her little bet cause your next mission was a full fledged raid. One thing you envied about Konan was her ability to make shuriken out of paper, leaving her with an endless supply of weapons while utilizing minimal physical effort. You on the other hand had incredible speed but only two kunai and a katana at your disposal. No one could match your lightning speed, not even the raikage himself. But you could still only attack up to two targets at a time. 

The night was long and the body count was high.

…and Konan was kicking your ass. 

You were desperately trying to take out more targets than her but her range was so much farther than yours. You were needlessly brutal, terrified of the horrible date night that was to come at the end of the mission. The first rays of light shone over the rooftops when the two of you finally made your retreat. 

“Your count?”

“78” you pant

“Ha! I win! 102”

“Shut up!”

She only smiles back at you.

“Fuck! Now I have to ask out Tobi.”

“Sucks to suck”

“Oh gods, what if he wants me to suck his dick?!”

“You better open wide.”

You shove her off the tree she jumped on but she caught herself by creating paper wings and flew the rest of the way home. Smug bitch.

You meet up just outside of the hideout, entering together. As soon as you walk through the threshold Konan begins to shout. 

“Tobi! Y/N needs you!”

“I hate you so much right now.” You grumble under your breath.

She sticks her tongue out at you, “Deal with it. I’m gonna go find Pain.”

She leaves in a twirl just as Tobi timidly enters the room. 

“You needed me, Y/N?”

“Yes…I have something to ask you.”

Tobi just stands there, staring at you behind his mask, head eerily tilted to the side. Gods he’s so creepy. You begin to wring your hands in front of your stomach, building the courage to ask the dreaded question.

“Tobi…would you…” you bite your lower lip in the most adorable way and Tobi can feel his heart twist in his chest. “Would you go on a date with me?”

“Oh.”

You stare at him, unsure of what to make of his response. Maybe he was going to reject you. Maybe you won’t have to go on a date at all. Thank the heavens.

“What do you have in mind?”

“I-uh…” Fuck! Now I have to plan the date too?! Konan I’m gonna kill you. “I hadn’t decided yet.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of you.

“Do you want to go or not? Cause I can go ask one of the others if you’re not interested.”

Tobi scratches the back of his neck and responds in his childish tone.

“Geh, Y/N, I’d be happy to go on a date with you.” He brings his hands together in front of him and tilts his head to the side in a feminine display, “I just wasn’t expecting it is all.”

It took everything in you not to cringe so instead you force a laugh. Maybe he was just trying to be funny. Yeah, that’s it, he was trying to be funny. 

That night you get dressed in a long flowy pale pink skirt with slits along each thigh and a fitted cream colored top with corset detailing around the bust. You hoped one of the other guys saw you in it and would knock on your door later to show you how a real man treats a woman. For now, though, you needed to focus on making it through your date with Tobi.

He knocks on your bedroom door and you walk over to answer it. Tobi stands before you in a fitted black shirt and black pants covered in a long black kimono adorned with a dark gray geometric pattern. It wasn’t a bad look but he hid every inch of his body from everyone as usual.

“Wowzah!”

You smile and roll your eyes. “What, never seen a proper woman before?”

You turn around and retreat back into your room to grab your cream square heels, sliding them on while balancing yourself with Tobi’s arm. 

“So where are we going?”

You look at him and smile playfully “You’ll see.”

You grab Tobi’s hand and pull him through the hideout, heading towards the exit. As you walk through the common area, Tobi looks to the side and sees the jaws of Hidan, Deidara, and Zetzu fall to the floor. He can’t help but feel a swell of pride at their jealousy. 

The date, however, was terribly awkward. You tried your best to be flirty but you had no way of telling how Tobi felt. You couldn’t see him smile or blush. You couldn’t tell if he was staring at you with interest or anger. It was extremely one sided and uncomfortable. You did your best to sell the lie but it was probably painfully obvious that you didn’t want to be holding hands with a big masked baby. 

On the way home you sway as you walk next to him, both arms hugging his right one, trying to maintain a normal conversation. It occurs to you that this might be your only chance to ask the burning question everyone in the Akatsuki is thinking.

“Tobi? Why do you wear the mask?”

“Because I don’t want anyone to see my face of course!”

You roll your eyes. “Okay but why don’t you want anyone to see your face?”

“That’s for Tobi to know.”

You shake your head “What, you ugly or something?” You squeeze his bicep flirtatiously. “You get stuck in a house fired and are covered in scars?”

Tobi goes stiff in your hold. You drop his arm and bring both your hands up to your mouth.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I was only joking!”

Tobi walked next to you in silence. If you thought it was awkward before, that was nothing compared to the embarrassment you felt now. 

“Tobi, you’d have nothing to be embarrassed about you know. It’s not like you’re the only freak in the circus. I mean. Kisame is practically a shark, Sasori lived inside a puppet, and Hidan drinks blood to become a skeleton.” A hot ass skeleton but Tobi doesn’t need to know that. “We’re all weirdos.”

Tobi still doesn’t speak but his body relaxes some. He was getting a little easier to read but you still couldn’t wait for the night to be over. He creeped you out and you still had no respect for him. He was a fool even if he was kinda funny. 

You finally make it back to the hideout and much to your disappointment, everyone has gone to bed. Tobi walks you to your side of the hideout next to Konan’s room and awkwardly gives you two pats on the shoulder before telling you he was off to bed in his high pitched kid’s tone.

You turn to unlock your room with a signature roll of your eyes relieved the night was over.

“Pfh, what a loser, bet he’s never even made a girl cum in his life.”

As Tobi’s walking away he overhears you and stops dead in his tracks. He knows that he’s playing a fool but it wouldn’t hurt to teach you some manners and show you who’s really in charge of the Akatsuki while he’s at it.

Just as you open your door you feel two gloved hands tightly grip your biceps. Someone had snuck up behind you.

“What’d you say?”

The voice was rich and deep. It was a cold blanket that covered you with fear and made chills creep down your back. Your breath falters. You didn't dare turn your head.

“Tobi?”

He pushes you into your room with a finger shoved into your spine between your shoulder blades.

“Would you like to test that little theory?”

You turn around, face painted in fear as you search Tobi’s orange mask for answers. He slams the door closed behind him. Tearing off his robe as he swiftly steps forward causing you to retreat away from him backwards. You’re too distracted by the sudden change in his demeanor to notice the bulging muscles poking through his skin tight shirt before he picks up a shoe and throws it against the wall to kill the lightswitch. 

You reach your arms in front of you, ready to push him away but he somehow passes through them and has a grip on your hair while he is sucking on the skin of your neck. An involuntary pleasured grunt escapes you, realizing he discarded his mask and has his lips locked on your skin. You keep trying to push him off but every time your hands pass through him while his grip against your hair remains solid. You couldn’t figure out how it worked but you were starting to no longer care as he created various bruises along your collarbone. You begin to pant slightly, feeling arousal pool between your legs from how he nibbled against your sensitive flesh. Your mind was slowly fogging over and in your haze you wanna hear his voice again.

“T-talk to me. I wanna hear you s’more”

“And say what, Princess? Tobi isn’t my real name?”

His voice was smooth and intimidating. It made your eyes roll to the back of your head. You lean your face against his.

“Yes, tell me more.” you whisper

“What do you want to hear? That I’m the actual mastermind behind the Akatsuki and you are all my little puppets?”

You begin to lift your leg and wrap it around his waist. Panting from how his baritone tickled your mind.

“or that I’m going to fuck you like a whore right now and turn you into my personal concubine.”

“Yes”

You lunge for his lips, hands clawing the back of his head to pull him into you. You had never been so attracted to a voice in your life. You had no clue what he looked like but you knew he had adorably messy hair and scars on his face. You could feel the tough skin with your lips. He backed you all the way over to your bed and switched places with you so that he could take a seat before pulling you into his lap. 

You straddled him, your heat pressing over his concealed boner, while you feverishly made out with him in the pitch black room. Your kisses left his lips and traveled over the ridges of his face, sucking and breathing on the battered skin he was afraid to show, before you licked a stripe up his cheek. 

He anchored you at your hips and pulled you down on him while he rutted up into you. You cried a needy moan into his ear as your fingers played in his hair. 

“My, my, I think I can make you cum without even touching you. You’ve got yourself all worked up over a little conversation and sitting in my lap.”

You groan at the sound of his voice and begin to grind on him, needing the friction while you kiss his lips. You rub your chest against him as you work yourself up into a frenzy. He reaches behind you, looking for how to take off your shirt when he gives up and opts to rip it off of you instead. 

You let out a small cry, partly in awe of his raw strength but partly because that was one of your favorite tops. 

“I don’t tolerate anything getting in my way.”

“Uh-huh” you agree breathily, cupping his face in your hands, recapturing his lips with yours. As much as you want to keep hearing that velvet voice, you want the lips that form the words to be interlocked with yours. Your arms wrap around his neck as you push your barren chest against his clothed one. His hands explored your soft back. You were glad to feel his fingertips dance over your skin and not his leather gloves. You wondered if you’d get to feel all of him tonight. You could tell how toned he was through his clothes and were dying to lick and nibble his chest. 

“Tobi,” you pant against his face, “please make me cum.”’

He hums and grabs you at your thighs flipping you onto your back and kneeling over you. Your hands continue to explore all over his upper body, running up from his forearms to his biceps, sliding over his delts, and tracing down his traps before sinking your nails into his rhomboids. He grunts into your neck. Arousal puddling in your underwear at the sound. 

You wrap your legs around his waist, lifting your hips and grinding into him some more. Panting and needy, the mystery of him increasing your desire. Tobi grabs the front panel of your skirt and pulls it aside, yanking your panties out of the way. You drag your lips along his jaw. 

One of Tobi’s fingers traces along your slit, collecting some of your slick and smearing it along your sensitive nub hidden within your folds. You twitch from the sudden contact and can feel him smile against your face.

“Someone's sensitive.”

A high pitched “mhm” comes from you as you push your face against his. His thumb casually rubs circles between your legs. Shuddered moans expel into Tobi’s ear as your arms slide back up to Tobi’s neck and wrap around him tightly. He lets a finger slip past your entrance, stroking in and out twice before being joined by a second. 

Your eyes snap shut. He pumps his fingers in and out of you. Your head falls back in pleasure as he scissors you open, playing you like a violin. You squeeze around him, soaking in how it feels to be touched for the first time in over a month. Back in your village you were a menace and well hated but you were never short of male companionship, even if it always ended terribly. Once you officially became a rogue ninja the world was much more lonely than expected. You had imagined it would be different once you joined the Akatsuki but to your own surprise, you didn’t take a lover till tonight. Short of breath you manage to wheeze out,

“Thank you Tobi”

“Good girl, you know your manners.” 

His condescending praise filled you with butterflies when spoken in his bassy tone. You respond by nibbling on his lower lip. You so badly wanted to rip off his clothes but you didn’t dare, too afraid he’d stop. Instead you softly beg into his ear,

“Please shove your cock into me.”

“Of course, Princess. How can I say no when you ask so nicely.”

A small cry of excitement whines past your lips. He darkly chuckles at your neediness. What a sharp turn from the bitch who tried to make a mockery of him by asking him on a date as a joke.

He’d make you pay for that. He intentionally wasn’t pursuing you before but since you sought him out with your farce, now he’d take full ownership of you. You were going to be his property now. He wasn’t talking dirty when he said you’d become his concubine. He meant it. You’d be chained to him, only let off your tether during missions. 

He opens the front of his pants and slips into your quivering entrance, stretching you uncomfortably as he pushed his excessive girth into you. A pleasured wail drew from your mouth.

“What a good girl. Tell me Princess, do you want more?”

“Yes!”

You cry the word. He pulled back slowly just to plunge back in. You sink down into your mattress, getting shoved into it deeper with every inward thrust. It was rough. There was nothing gentle about the way he fucked you. His swollen head pummeled into you, dislocating all your organs. He folded you in half as he pushed in. Your knees found a new home by your ears, his body pinning the backs of your legs, pushing your thighs against your chest. In the darkness he could see the whites of your eyes as they rolled back in your head to look at your melting brain. 

Your mouth was left agape. You were babbling and drooling from his dick dragging in and out of you. You swear you’d never been fucked so good in your life. He brought you to tears on his schlong, pistoning in and out of you. Your nails digging into his back once more.

“Gods damn, Princess!”

Tobi was struggling to maintain his domineering composure. He was losing himself inside of your pussy. It gripped around him tightly. The pink muscle constricted around his member, attempting to milk him before he was ready.  “Eager little fucking slut.”

He husked between thrusts. You body fell limp. You became a rag doll under him. The only part of your body that was tense was your gummy walls which held onto him with a death grip. He pushed his sweaty forehead against yours. Holding the back of your head.

“Fuck this pretty pussy. It belongs to me now. You belong to me. Understand?”

You wished you could’ve answered. You would’ve told him yes. You would've told him that you’d never leave his side. That you’d bend over for him anywhere. You’d wrap around his dick whenever he needed you to. You would willingly degrade yourself in the middle of battle if he wanted. You were addicted to him and you weren’t ashamed to admit it. 

His speed increased. He was about to cum. He brought himself all the way to the edge before he pulled out. 

“Stick out your tongue, Princess.”

You opened wide as he shot his load all over your face and chest. Your body still bent in half; your feet resting over his shoulders. He took the palm of his hand and smeared his fluids all over you. Rubbing the glossy substance into your skin and pushing it into your mouth. You hummed happily which made him melt. He allowed your body to unfold and laid his full weight on top of you, arms possessively threading around your waist and pulling you close. 

You lost your breath. Your mind became a swimming intoxicated mess in his hold. You nuzzled your face further into his shirt while his cum dried on your face and skin. He never undressed. His shirt still on, his pants pulled up. He was a complete mystery to you and now you were invested in solving it. You were his but he was about to be yours just as much. Soon, you’d break him…soon. For now you slept sheltered in his arms.

****************************************************

The next day you both emerge from your room close to noon. The majority of the members of the gang were rough housing together in the common area. All turned still as you came out holding hands with Tobi.

“Holy hell…”

“You two?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

You couldn’t bring yourself to make eye contact with any of them and instead chose to look up at Tobi’s mask. Eyes locked on the face you weren’t sure you’d ever see. Tobi though had a far different reaction. A smug idea popped into his sick mind. It was time to show everyone that you had an owner now and he wasn’t going to entertain any of these brutes trying to encroach on his possession. In his childish voice he called to his comrades.

“Look at my new toy everyone!”

He yanked on your hand so that you were whipped around standing in front of him, your back to the room. 

“Y/N, suck Tobi’s cock. hmm?”

“Yes, sir”

It was embarrassing and made your face heat up but you felt your mouth water as you knelt down before him nonetheless. On your knees, you open the front of his robe and untie his pants, pulling out his thick cock.

“What the hell…” you hear Konan behind you in complete disbelief. 

You let his pulsing length rest on your bottom lip while you look up at him. His chest rumbles as you slip your tongue out and under his weighty member before opening wide and sliding him all the way down your throat. He grips your hair with one hand before looking up at the shocked faces around the room.

“Y/N belongs to Tobi now. Look how good she’s taking my dick, slurping on it like a good little pet!”

Lewd gargles and squelching sounds came from your mouth as you bobbed back and forth along his cock. He was humiliating you in front of everyone and it was making you wet for him. Your hand came between your legs to rub yourself.

“Aww how precious. She’s even playing with herself for me. You see that everyone?”

You wanted to die from embarrassment but you couldn’t help yourself. The taste of him is addicting. He had you out of your mind.

“Here Princess, let me help you.”

He brings both hands into your hair and pushes you down on him. He thrusts into you at the same time causing you to gag around him. You hear him grumble in delight. You open your jaw and allow him to plummet all the way in. Throat constricting around his tip as it slips past your vocal cords. You hum in contentment, forgetting about everyone watching you. You close your eyes focusing on him and how he feels in your mouth. One hand rubbing your clit more harshly while the other clutches his thigh. 

Tobi’s facade almost slipped. He felt high from the way your warm mouth closed around him. He had half a mind to say he loved you. He opted instead to cease talking so as not to give away his cover and instead simply grunted as his hips snapped into your mouth. 

The remainder of the room watched in stunned silence at the pornographic scene before them. They watch the orange mask fall backwards, looking up at the ceiling as Tobi was close to cumming. The jealousy Deidara felt had him storm out of the room. Konan had an uncomfortable guilt crawl over her skin but little did she understand, you were in heaven. You whimper as you touch yourself, bringing yourself close to an orgasm. The sounds make Tobi hammer into you faster until you feel his hot spend shoot down your throat. Your walls clench around nothing and you bring both arms to wrap around Tobi’s wait, holding yourself all the way down on him as you hug around his waist. 

Tobi so badly wanted to coo in your ear and praise you. Tell you what a good girl you were but he couldn’t muster his carefree sound. Instead he pulls himself out of you and grabs your wrist. He yanks you back into your bedroom and slams you up against the door with the two of you on the other side. 

“Fuck Y/N, you’re such a good girl for me. Here, let me reward you.”

You mewl for him, your lip quivering at the return of his deep voice. He twists his mask to the side gaining you access to his lips. You pull them into you while he lifts you up, slipping his wet length between your folds and fucking you against the door.

The banging can be heard by the group on the other side, sitting in the common area.

“Shit…it was supposed to be a stupid prank.” Konan confesses. “What the hell happened last night?”

If only they knew…

Masterlist

[tozettastone]

Thinking about Hidan's ritual technique thing.

I think you could argue for Hidan's ritual technique being a pure yang chakra release. Much like the Nara shadow manipulation, he uses something belonging to his victim to establish a sympathetic link between them. But whereas the Nara clan use shadows, which make sense as a vehicle for spiritual energy, Hidan's ritual uses blood, which makes a lot more sense as a vehicle for, like, physical energy. Blood has many associations with action and energy and vitality! And then, instead of an invisible binding on people's limbs, the technique opens physical wounds transmitted through that sympathetic link, so I think that's yang stuff as well.

It also makes sense with Hidan's actual skills and character. He might be a spiritual character, in his way, but all his devotions are incredibly physical. Even his meditations appear to involve catastrophic self harm while he does whatever religious contemplating he needs to. And outside of that, he shows next to no ability with non-physical skills like genjutsu or even elemental ninjutsu.

I think any talented yang chakra release specialist could crack that ritual technique wide open and reproduce it if given enough time (most people aren't, obviously) but I also think that the technique itself isn't really the thing that matters? Like, alone, it's not very useful. It's Hidan's execution of it that makes it dangerous. He made it as a vehicle for religious devotion, so he doesn't fuck around with psychological warfare or hostage taking ("kill me and your teammate dies!") or whatever, he just sticks a spear through his ribs and obliterates his own heart.

This technique would only work in very specific circumstances for non-immortals. For example: 1. hostage taking, 2. a suicide technique, 3. if the victim had a very different body type to the user of the technique and therefore things that the user could withstand would kill the victim, or 4. if the user has mad healing skills like Tsunade, Sakura or Kabuto, which grant a certain kind of temporary invulnerability in which they bounce back from lethal damage. Which is basically like time-delimited immortality, really. Are they even non-immortals for the purposes of this list?

So I think Hidan's ritual technique is eminently reverse-engineerable (and Shikamaru could probably tell you exactly how it works, given the whole 'sympathetic link' situation and his own cleverness!) but it's kind of... er, useless.

Except if you're hella religious or functionally immortal. Or both.

[its-dari]

Beware Baby Bunny

Hard Yandere! Akatsuki - Types & Danger Levels

I know it says "hard yan". But that's because my preferred type are soft yans... This is literally the worst extreme, especially in terms of character.

~ Dari

Deidara

Type: Manipulative & Dependent

Danger Level: 3/10

Not particularly manipulative towards you, more so towards any possible suitors. But if he is favored by you, he will milk it to the best he can. This especially shows when he assesses that he cannot physically win over them and resorts to more underhanded methods. A yandere that needs you like he needs air and all his purpose feels like it's gone when he is no longer with you. Like he'd die without you.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Heavy breathing upon close contact. Occasional thievery of your items. Manipulative behaviors towards potential suitors. Occasionally Munchausen.

Hidan

Type: Violent & Delusional

Danger Level: 9.5/10

Intensely wrapped in the bloody thoughts of Jashin, he believes that you were gifted to him for his labors to his god. There is nothing but blood in his brain when it comes to you, obsessively and sexually wrapping himself in how you look drenched in it. He is willing to harm both you and anyone that gets in his way of having you. It is only a side comment that makes him conceal his feelings and behavior.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Idealization. Erotomania. Stealing of bloodied sanitation products. Leering.

Hoshigaki Kisame

Type: Protective & Possessive

Danger Level: 7/10

Immensely blood thirsty but unlikely to violently react towards rivals unless they were similar. Views your opinion as important and so is careful in how he presents himself in front of you. If pushed, he could react violently but is a relatively docile type. Very loyal and pretty liberal in committing bloody acts if he knows he won't be caught. Depends on how well you handle these tendencies.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Keeping things you make for him long beyond it's tenure; including food.

Kakuzu

Type: Possessive Provider

Danger Level: 4/10

Doesn't try and especially hide his fondness and generally is one of the more normal types. While people presumably think he'd view the object of his affections as a posession, it's his experience and older age that allowed this more mellowed look. While his rank and level of violence of a criminal is still high. There is still somewhat of a levelheaded way he goes about dealing with rivals. He also won't really attempt to force you into anything.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Stealing Minimal Items. Financial Coercion.

Sasori

Type: Apathetic, Obsessive & Possessive

Danger Level: 10/10

Lucid and fully aware his behavior is unhealthy and will keep it to himself. The most dangerous in the sense that he cares little for you, your feelings, or your choices. He's also the master of acting like there's nothing wrong with him. The only one with a full 10 in all categories.

Obsessed with the idea of memorializing you forever by turning you into a puppet regardless of your wishes. Watches you often and at length to be able to gauge your anatomy and measurements perfectly. Has likely made a doll version of you and prepared clothes for a potential wedding... If given a chance, will make a different human puppet if the victim is close enough to your likeness.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Staring(often withoit blinking). Watching you sleep if given chance. Idealization. Objectification.

Uchiha Itachi

Type: Protective & Passive

Danger Level: 2/10

Genuinely the least selfish of the bunch, while he has an agenda in flirting with you and wanting to have you. He simply can go on without having you in a romantic sense, content fo have you in his life and just show you that you matter a lot to him. Will set aside his feelings in favor of yours and let you be happy with someone else. The closest to genuinely loving you. Though can show aggression/violence towards those that mean you harm or disrespect your memory.

Creepy Behaviors Include: Stealing Items. Replicating them with sharigan if possible.

Non-Yans / Yan Leashes:

Pein / Nagato

Honestly, someone come help this man. It is their respect for him that they're not acting out. He probably has a soft spot of some sort for you otherwise, he would consider murdering you for causing unrest among the others.

Konan

She's probably used to the creepy leering of men, and is immensely uncomfortable by the knowledge of this behavior. It is her connection with Pein and respect for her that keep them from behaving like insane people. Well, except Hidan, but that's par for the course.

Uchiha Obito / Tobi

He knows EVERYTHING and WOW, he thought he was bad. He takes advantage of his position as "innocent" Tobi to go around and mess with them, just for his amusement... It is his own fondness for you as a member that makes sure they keep from anything too extreme.

Zetsu

If the cannibal himself is grossed out by them, there's a problem. He is the one to report to the others as he can phase through walls and such... Keeps them docile for the sake of that they might know he knows everything.

[madara-fate]

This is ridiculous it's 2024

And there still trying to claim the curse of hatred is gaslighting propaganda or a theory somehow tobirama wasn't the only person who mentioned the curse of hatred not only did obito mention the curse of hatred so did hagoromo

And not one person not even hashirama denied the curse of existence infact hashirama added on to the conversation and mentioned madara love for izuna

How the hell do these people not see the absurdity of accusing the concept of the Curse of Hatred, of minimising the experiences of those who have been abused or racially discriminated against?

How? Where is the link between the two? Kishi gave a very clear reason as to why Uchihas specifically fell victim to the COH. What has women suffering mental breakdowns due to social neglect or abuse got to do with anything? They're stupidly trying to insinuate that giving the COH as a reason for the Uchihas hatred is minimising their trauma in the same manner as diagnosing women who have suffered abuse with hysteria, but there is no correlation. Again, because a very clear reason was given as to why it affects specifically the Uchihas. It began with Indra who hated his father and brother for the former's decision to entrust the future to Ashura. And as Indra is the progenitor of the Uchiha's, his hatred was passed down. That's all there is to it. What the fuck is all this nonsense about minimising people's traumatic experiences in reality?

No one tried to "confuse" anyone, Tobirama literally described the Uchiha to be a clan possessed by evil. That, and he didn't even say that they were inherently filled with hatred (or "hysterical" as this person likes to claim), he explained that very specific criteria have to be met in order for the Uchiha to fall victim to the Curse. It's not as if every single time an Uchiha feels hatred or gets "hysterical", it's automatically because of the COH. So this just further debunks this persons already feeble point. Because they're acting as if the story indicated that whenever an Uchiha gets hysterical, it must be because of the COH, showing how little they paid attention.

Because in this situation, it is their particular group's problem.

Scientific proof? It's a fucking supernatural phenomenon. There's nothing scientific about it. That's like asking for scientific proof for the existence of chakra. Do they not see how stupid that sounds? It's fictional. These people are ridiculous. The only scientific part about it is the part where chakra gets released inside the brain and reacts with the optic nerves which leads to the emergence of their Sharingan. But again, chakra is fictional.

Then they bring up Shikamaru's revenge mission against Hidan and Kakuzu in attempt to support their point, when not only does that again ignore both why the curse only affects the Uchiha as well as the specific criteria that must be met for the Uchiha to fall victim to it in the first place, but it also indicates that they think that the manner in which they sought revenge was in any way comparable.

Let's test that out.

Shikamaru wanted revenge on Hidan and Kakuzu and only Hidan and Kakuzu, as they were the ones who were directly responsible for Asuma's death, that's understandable.

Sasuke - He didn't only want revenge on those who did him wrong, his hatred extended to the entire village, the vest majority of which did him no wrong whatsoever.

That would be like Shikamaru's revenge extending to everyone in Hidan and Kakuzu's villages too, there's no comparison.

Madara - Much like Sasuke, his revenge extended to the entire village too, the vast majority of which again, did him no wrong.

Again, no comparison with Shikamaru.

Does Obito even need any explanation? He's the one who caused by far the most shit in the entire series, but let's just stick with the theme from Sasuke and Madara. Much like those two, Obito's carnage extended to the entire village, who did him no wrong.

The series made it exceedingly easy to distinguish between a regular person wanting some measure of revenge, and when an Uchiha who has fallen victim to the Curse of Hatred, wanted some revenge.

[twinuchiha]

Okay. Those who know me know that I’m not the type of person that likes to make serious posts. But this situation has been on my radar since Wednesday, and has turned into borderline harassment.

This is a warning to be wary of the Naruto anon rpers.

This is not a call to attack anyone. This is not a call to harass anyone. This is a warning. Trigger Warning: Harrasment, Death threats, SA threats, Stalking and Abuse will be mentioned under the cut. If you can not handle these topics, feel free to not click read more. However, it would be appreciated if you relogged this post to spread awareness.

Some people may already be aware that I used to interact with this group, and be on friendly terms with Sasukeanon, but not anymore. I have blocked most of them, and they may have already blocked me as well by now. Honestly? I'm just disappointed. So around January 30th, someone sent a hate post to Hidan anon mentioning a few of their fellow blogs. Understandable, they mentioned Kisame anon to ask them what was going on, as they have also recently been getting hate.

They're trying to figure out who this possibly could be, but then out of nowhere, Orochimaru's anon says this:

To which??? Okay, some people just type similar to each other? I've seen it happen. Anyway, when Kisame tries to explain that they've had problems with people in the past and listing off who it could have been, Sasuke comes in with this:

How they came to this conclusion, I don't know. But they then suddenly start going on a tirade and start making threats.

This took me off guard. I knew Sasuke could be harsh in some of their posts, which made me uncomfortable, but this was the first time I've seen them jump to death threats. This is no way to talk to someone. Especially when you have no evidence against. And don't have any evidence, because all you have done is claim things, never show proof, and then harass Kisame further (along with your friends) when they were trying to prove their innocence to everyone. Even in posts that had nothing to do with any of you!

(Note that Sasuke's mod was handling Hidan's blog at the time of this)

You keep saying that Kisame has been sending death threats and SA threats yet show no proof to back up your claims when someone confronts you on it. Instead, insult them. And type in all caps to try and be intimidating.

These were in response to cherrypiesakurokun's posts on the matter, as like me they have also been talking to Kisame about what has been happening. The top one was after the Naruto anon blog added them in a callout and basically implied they were a death threats/SA threat defender. All because what? They tried to be supportive and wanted everyone to make up? I agree that they probably shouldn't have jumped in, but that's not fair.

The blog you claim that is Kisame's main isn't even her main. This is her main. She linked me her Reddit account to prove this.

Do these blogs look remotely the same??? The threats you claim were sent by Kisame to herself hold critical information that held her real name and where she lives. Why would someone do to themselves, risk doxing themselves? It doesn't make any sense. She's sent me proof of that as well, but I will not be showing them here because that is private information. Kisame told me that she gave you her discord, you could have asked her what was going on. But you never did. You just jumped to conclusions.

When I asked Kisame about the threats that were being, her conclusion was that it was from her stalker ex boyfriend, who's she's been gathering evidence of for doing the same behaviour. She's informed me that she's currently trying to get a restraining order. I've been given permission to show these screenshots.

Congratulations on harassing a victim of stalking and abuse. But if that wasn't vile enough, the night Kisame's mother was taken to the hospital, and they explained they'd be offline because of it, Sasuke, still using Hidan's blog, said this:

This was vile. Fucking vile, and was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I blocked as many of the blogs I could. Like I said, I'm disappointed. Sad, even. Sasuke was one of the first blogs who'd interacted with me, and i thought they were nice. It seemed like I was wrong though. As I mentioned before, this isn't an attack. This is simply to warn others about the kind of people they will be interacting with should they come across the anon group.

[sebastianmichaelisslander]

for the ask game: grell for character and redcliff for ship :3

Aaah ofc! 🙏🏼💫 I’m still doing this though it’s been a while, btw!

Grelle

How I feel about this character:

first off, I think she’s beautiful, fr. Even before I got into Kuro, I saw her design and thought she was so pretty - and that was shortly before I started reading the manga.

I also think that she’s more complex than she gets credit for. When I write her, I like portraying what’s going on behind her queen facade - delve deeper into her psyche, her fears, how she really feels about every situation she’s in… I also think she’s very quick to act and has ended up saving her colleagues’ asses more than once, but that also means she’s impulsive and gets herself into far too much trouble.

Although she doesn’t show it, she really does regret letting her temper and jealousy get the better of her. She never got the love or support so many others she knew did, which is part of why she was resentful of her victims and others who had what she didn’t.

I also think she seems like the sort who, despite her shortcomings, has a great capacity for love and is loyal to a fault. I love showing all her layers and giving her even more.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Honestly, the only people I do ship her romantically with are William or Angelina. However, I don’t mind her with others she’s commonly paired off with, such as Mey-Rin (though I personally can’t see it sometimes), Sebastian (even if how Grelle is portrayed in fics with him often annoys me), Nina, Hannah, Undertaker, or anyone else lol.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

Othello or Ronald would defo be her platonic soulmates, lol.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

She indeed is crazy about Sebastian, but more in an, “I want to fuck him and then bisect him with my scythe à la the black widow spider” sort of way. Does she wanna bang him? Yeaaaah. But by no means is she actually that into him romantically, lol.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish her inner life and backstory haven’t been explored more in the manga. Not only would this have the Grelle lovers more content, but it’ll also give us more to understand her better. I also want her to get the happy ending I think she deserves. 😭

My OTP:

Grelliam. 😂 tho I’m a multishipper at heart.

My crossover ship:

Don’t really have one. I do think Grelle and Hidan from Naruto would be fucking funny, though.

A headcanon fact:

Not my own headcanon, but some of my mutuals on here hc that Grelle is of Russian origin and can even speak the language. Which I love. I also like the German Grelle hc equally, lol.

Now, for the ship part.

Redcliff

When I started shipping it if I did:

After Angelina’s death in the manga. So much angst potential.

My thoughts:

I’ve always remembered wondering if those two did have something else going on. It even seemed as though their relationship transcended what’s platonic. However, though I do like the pairing, I don’t usually seek out that many fanfics for it as two weirdly specific pairings (Grelliam and SebTaker) are the only ones I think of 24/7.

I think they could either be incredibly wholesome or extremely toxic depending on how they’re written in specific fics and given the nature of their rapport. There’s so much potential to explore it in several different ways. Plus… the ANGST.

Things done in fanfic that annoy me:

Can’t really think of any atm, tbh.

Things I look for in fanfic:

I really want another, “what if Angelina lived?” AU, fr. I also like Bizarre Doll!Angelina fics.



Whom l'd be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

Don’t @ me, but (alive) Angelina and Undertaker would be funny. 😂 /hj

Actually, I don’t really ship Angie with anyone except Grelle. But as for Grelle, defo William.

My happily ever after for them:

They’d probably actually try to make whatever they have going on a healthy, functional relationship if Angie lives. As for whether they have a family… maybe there’s the whole, “Grelle finds a baby and decides to keep it” thing.

Who is the big spoon / little spoon?

Grelle is definitely the big spoon. Angie sometimes takes over though, lol.

What is their favourite non-sexual activity?

Lots of things. They both would read tacky magazines and penny dreadfuls together, give each other their observations while people-watching, go shopping, probably do art together… another one would be Angie braiding Grelle’s hair and making her feel so pretty while doing it. 🥹

That’s it for now! Do send in more 😁 💓

[ladykissingfish]

*everyone sitting down to the table*

Nagato: *takes Konan’s hand and kisses it* My darling … this all looks incredible! Another Thanksgiving of you showcasing your culinary prowess.

Konan, blushing: Thank you; but I can’t take full credit. I had some excellent helpers this year!

Tobi: Tobi made the mac and cheese! Isn’t it pretty?!

Deidara: Hidan and I made the stuffing, hm.

Konan: And Itachi helped me with the turkey.

Kakuzu: Well it all looks delicious … *takes a few slices of turkey and puts them on his plate*

Kakuzu:  *after taking a bite*… not to be rude, but, Konan, did you season the bird with anything? Salt or anything at all?

Konan: Oh, Itachi was in charge of the seasoning.

Itachi: *slowly pulls off one turkey wing, then the other, both looking extremely well-seasoned, and puts them on his plate* I must have forgotten.

Hidan: You forgot, or ya only seasoned the damn part of the turkey that’s YOUR favorite??

Itachi, sharingan activated: Do you have an issue with that?

Hidan: N-no!

Kisame: This mac and cheese is quite tasty, Tobi! I — *suddenly stops, seeming as though he can’t open his mouth*

Tobi: Glad ya like it, Kisame-san! Hope you don’t mind but Tobi ran out of cheese so he used that yellow paste in the bottle from Sasori-senpai’s lab!

Sasori: … you mean my super glue?!

Konan:

Konan: W-well, um, t-this stuffing looks great, Deidara and Hidan!

Konan: *puts a small portion on her plate and takes a bite; her eyes immediately turn bright watery red and she has to jump up, grab the milk from the fridge, and chug it all down*

Konan, sputtering: W-w-what the —!

Deidara: Hidan said it would be more flavorful if we added chopped-up ghost peppers to it, hm. But I said that wasn’t explosive enough, so —

Deidara: *lifts two fingers* KATSU! 

*the bowl of stuffing suddenly explodes, splattering across the walls, ceilings, and everyone’s faces*

Konan:

Konan: … perhaps it’s time for dessert. Sasori volunteered to make the pies this year.

Sasori: Mm. I do hope you’ll all find them acceptable; it’s been quite a while since I’ve prepared food.

Nagato: *takes a cautious bite of a piece of apple pie*

Nagato: Holy … this is FANTASTIC!

Deidara, mouth full of pumpkin pie: Damn Danna … who knew a puppet could cook like this, hm?!

Zetsu: There’s a taste in here that’s vaguely familiar …

Hidan, with the cherry pie: Yeah … really almost like … like …

Sasori: Ah, well, I’ve heard it said that a chef never reveals his secrets. But let’s just say that the sacrifice victim Hidan left out in the yard? He didn’t go to complete waste. At least, not all of him.

Zetsu: I KNEW I’d tasted this before! *takes a large hunk out of all three pies* My compliments to the chef!

The others:

*Thank you for the turkey wing inspiration, @amikotsu 😊*

[immoralimmortals]

Things I've written about the Akatsuki that i think are funny out of context, because I think I'm funny and love microdosing on stroking my own ego

(this is a third person reader x akatsuki fic I swear to god, please believe me it's ROMANTIC, I don't just make them look stupid, I PROMISE I SWEAR ON MY LIFE--)

☆ Hidan wrote a book by ripping pages out of an already existing one, putting in his own that he wrote in blood (origin unknown) and not even attempting to glue them to the blinding.

☆ Kakuzu being forced to say the word "duckling" with such great disdain he may throw up.

☆ Literally just anything about the fact that Kakuzu became a talent agent on his own free will

☆ Hidan thinking that Kakuzu being your talent agent is-- in a very literal sense-- a fate worse than death

☆ “Doesn’t matter. Physical agony fortifies the soul. Whatever.” (about accidentally letting the performer starve)

☆ "She’d be lying if in some way this wasn’t her dreams come true. ...Minus the serial killers, or whatever they are. They won’t really tell her. But she can make that work!"

☆ 1) You’re a failure of society.

2) You’re a kidnapping victim.

3) You’re in a cult.

4) You’re a one-man band with a manager AND you’re in a cult.

☆ Zetsu scaring people on purpose, then Zetsu being flabbergasted and insulted as he scares people by accident!

☆ The performer thinking Kisame is Itachi and Itachi is Kisame. Because of course the big scary shark man is the evilest here, right? (Holding Itachi's hand like la dee da! Boy sure am glad I'm not with the scary clan killer!)

☆ The above being ZETSU'S FAULT on PURPOSE

☆ "Were Hidan and Kakuzu really that mean to other people…? Grumpy, yeah— also yeah okay they were killers or whatever— but they didn’t start any fights! Yet!"

☆ Kisame thinking YouTube is shit from description alone

☆ "The raven shakes his head, despite how helpfully Hidan gestures in a shoving motion, demonstrating the direction in which he should move his ass."

☆ Tobi jumpscare (ALSO ZETSU'S FAULT)

☆ Directly taking inspiration of how Tobi gets punched by Hidan from this Smiling Friends clip

☆ Hidan being allergic to cleanliness

☆ Hidan spending his entire month-long stipend on useless animal figurines he did not want that may or may not be cursed

☆ “Did Takara-chan get the kitty statue?”

A thud sounds beside her chair, a sack cloth with the weight of a whole baby hitting the floor. “Yup. You could say that.”

☆ Kakuzu's type is people that surprise him even after being alive for so long. Therefore, apparently, he's attracted to fucking idiots.

☆ Kakuzu getting told someone tried to kill themselves over being in debt and his first reaction is "wow that's a LOT of money" instead of anything about the killing yourself or whatever

☆ Zetsu LYING BY OMISSION AGAIN BECAUSE THAT'S HIS FAVORITE HOBBY

☆ “Guess it’s a good thing you don’t wanna hurt yourself or whatever.” said in disappointment

☆ “Tell the chemicals to stop.”

☆ Deidara giving a powerpoint on why he's the best and Pain being like *nodding, nodding* (has no faith in him whatsoever)

☆ Long suffering Sasori having a point proven to him that does not need proving (that Deidara is the best)

☆ Getting attached to a clay mouse Deidara made only for it to commit suicide (all according to plan! Isn't he dreamy ;) )

...And more to come!

[yowyowyaoi]

The Akatsuki’s Favorite Halloween Movies

Deidara, Hidan and Tobi: Halloween (1978) and Halloween II (1981)

The iconic theme song. The silent killer stalking his victims in the chill of the night. The way he never says any words, never gives any warning sign of his presence until it’s too late. There are a thousand different reasons why these two movies are the favorite of this particular trio. They like to camp out in the living room and watch them back to back. Sometimes they’ll eat snacks, sometimes they’ll style each others hair, a couple of times they’ve carved pumpkins like the characters in the movie. Deidara and Tobi love the first Halloween the most, and neither felt like such a perfection in storytelling really needed a sequel. Tobi especially likes to argue on how Michael Myers is scary not because of the mask (while touching his own) but because you as the viewer don’t know the motivations behind why he targets this particular group of people. Hidan got them into Halloween II and insists that it’s still scary even knowing (some) of Myer’s thought processes. And Deidara has to admit the lab explosion scene at the end is “an artistic masterpiece, hm!”

Konan: Hocus Pocus (1993)

Konan doesn’t really like scary movies, exactly. She likes things that are light and childlike, and films that evoke a sense of nostalgia. No Halloween movie gives her that sense of fulfillment quite like Hocus Pocus. The story of the boy who was turned into a cat trying to save his sister  resonates with Konan, as she would have done anything to save her “family” (Yahiko and Nagato). The sweet teen love story between Max and Allison really moves her, and she has a soft spot for Max’s quirky little sister Dani. And speaking of sisters, The Sanderson Sisters holds a place on Konan’s heart as some of the greatest “villains” of all time. She’s made Deidara and Itachi sing “I Put A Spell On You “ with her more times than they care to admit, with her as the lead witch of Winnie. They’ve even dressed up as the sisters one Halloween, with Konan as Winnie, Deidara as Sarah, and Itachi as Mary. They looked fabulous but of course Hidan never lets Deidara or Itachi forget that they “dressed up like chicks”.

Nagato and Kisame: Halloweentown (1998)

Another nostalgic movie that isn’t really scary so much as it’s fun. For both of them, the notion of an entire town where “freaks” aren’t only welcome but are the norm, is very appealing to them. Kisame knows his shark-like appearance would fit right in to this mythical place, and Nagato imagines that he and his Pein bodies could really find their niche there. Kisame in general is a big fan of classic movies, and has long since been a fan of the work of Debbie Reynolds. When he found out that she played the lovable witch grandmother to Marnie in this movie, well, he was hooked. The two like to eat a lot of candy while watching this movie (it’s the only time of year that either of them truly indulges in sweets) and discuss ways they could improve the government of this fabled town.

Kakuzu: Beetlejuice 1988

Kakuzu admires the character of Beetlejuice. The man is long dead yet he’s managed to use his talent of being repulsive as a means to earn income by scaring living people out of ghosts’ former homes. Kakuzu’s always says that “Hell runs on money”, and this movie gives credibility to the idea that he’s right. He hopes that if and when he finally dies, he will be able to use his talents of bounty hunting in the afterlife to keep on earning money. Maybe wrangling up wayward spirits that don’t accept that they’ve passed on? Or souls that don’t follow whatever the rules of the afterlife are? Kakuzu sees the possibilities as being endless. Kakuzu has also always had an eye for architecture and especially buildings or structures that are way outside of the norm. He’s fascinated by the remodeling that Delia Deetz does to Maitland’s house, and secretly would love such a bizarrely constructed house to live in himself one day. 

Itachi: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

Itachi despises Freddy Krueger. In his mind, the man being burned alive was too light a punishment for the atrocious acts he committed against children. BUT the Uchiha was understandably drawn in by the concept of being able to control and manipulate someone through their dreams. Very similar to gengetsu, and some of the nightmares that Freddy gives to people have become inspiration for visions that Itachi’s given to his enemies. Konan likes to watch this movie with him, as she likes the character of Nancy Thompson; but she gets so scared during the movie that she has to hold on to Itachi’s arm for support the whole time. Itachi often comes away with deep fingerprints imbedded into his skin the next day.

Zetsu: Little Shop Of Horrors (1986)

It should be no big surprise that a movie about a sentient plant with a rapidly developing lust for human flesh would be Zetsu’s favorite Halloween film. He loves how manipulative the plant Audrey II is with Seymour, and how easily he’s able to convince him to “feed” him. Zetsu also loves how campy this movie is, with the overzealous acting and the constant musical numbers. He’s tried to convince the entire Akatsuki to put this on as a play, and invite people from neighboring villages to come and watch. When Nagato questioned what they would do after the viewers realized they were all Akatsuki members, Zetsu’s solution was to invite them backstage to “meet” Audrey II … and never emerge again. Of course his idea was shot down, but he still loves the movie and watches it at least 10 times every October.

Sasori and Orochimaru: Child’s Play (1988)

This one almost seems too obvious, but Sasori really, REALLY loves the character of Charles Lee Ray, aka Chucky. Finding a way to beat death by transferring his soul into a body that could never be hurt, or age, or die? Sasori was sold from the first time his grandmother let him watch this film as a little boy. Of course Chucky’s body isn’t without flaws; in fact carefully studying Chucky’s design is what’s driven Sasori to make so many improvements on his own body. When Orochimaru was still in the Akatsuki these two would watch Child’s Play and it’s sequels, and argue on whether Chucky had found the best path to immortality. One thing that Sasori can’t relate to, however, is Chucky’s desire to transfer his soul back out of a doll and into another human body. Sasori prefers to stay in his doll body for eternity. Orochimaru, however, was very, very intrigued at the idea of putting one’s essence into different bodies, and this movie opened up his mind to hours of research (and eventually trial and error) on the subject.

[tozettastone]

Re: my Naruto OC [x, x]

Here she is, in an unedited version of how she learns to hate Uchiha Itachi

----------

She had no name. The illusory shape she was currently inhabiting was a man called "Ryouta," who was a missing-nin of middling skill. He was tall enough and symmetrical enough to look sort of attractive if he cleaned up, but average enough to drop off the radar for most people. He was a kenjutsu master, which would pose an issue for her if she was required to actually engage in combat as him... but since her entire repertoire of skills was built up around the central pillar of avoiding combat, she felt that was pretty unlikely.

The real Ryouta was also off living his own life some hundred and ten miles away, deep in Wind Country, where his negotiations with clients formed data points for her research. His image was simply on... temporary loan.

Here and now, this image of Ryouta was following up on her favourite and very long term pet project: the outlier missing-nin, Kakuzu.

She strolled through the market that had popped up on the industrial outskirts of Rain. It was damp—it was always damp—and the place had been set up on a flat, hard-packed area that had gotten absolutely annihilated during the war by what looked like, perhaps, a lava flow? At its edges, aging electrical wires sagged, and hastily patched up buildings loomed, and on the far side the road went straight out to the river and apparently endless rice paddies.

Despite the setting, the little market was cheerful and bright. People called out to Ryouta as she passed through, calling for him to try their deep fried water bugs on sticks, buy their herbs, or marvel at their machine-woven cloth. Two children, under the watchful eye of an older lady selling jars of hot red chillies, were playing with sticks in the mud, stirring the water in their hand-dug hole as if it were a pot of soup.

Rain as a village was... interesting, from Ryouta's perspective. It operated under a system of benign neglect. That the governing body was presided over by an undead missing-nin and his angelic partner was kind of an open secret among the people who'd lived there long enough. And, historically, those two had chosen to address only violent foreign shinobi, two plague outbreaks, a food crisis, and actual invasions. They rarely intervened to regulate or support the population otherwise. Instead, the village had mostly divided itself into small neighbourhoods of ten or twenty families, and those families typically bartered and supported one another.

Such systems, Ryouta knew, only functioned because their communities were small enough that everyone knew everyone else's business: they kept their own informal tallies of what was polite and who owed what assistance to whom. This was also how such small communities managed crime so efficiently... for a value of "crime," that was defined very casually by whether or not most people found something acceptable, and "management," that stood for vigilante justice, of course.

Such societies became more and more alienated from the causes and effects of crime as they grew larger, until you had something like the Grand Court over in Fire Country, where people who barely knew each other committed crimes against one another and were given sanctions that held no relevance to the victims whatsoever. At that point, all crime was basically against the state, not really your neighbours...

It was a fascinating area of study, although it was not her specialty. Her area of study was more elusive, more secretive, and a lot more dangerous.

There was a shinobi walking through this market, and he was the real focus of her attention.

Hidan was an idiot, so she didn't have to try very hard to evade his senses as she tracked him. She just had to be careful she didn't get too close. Occasionally, he stopped to examine something, and then she stopped, too. Simple, right?

Really, her distance was more of a precaution against his personality than it was against his senses. He would never pick her out of a crowd, but he excelled at pointless, aimless violence, so it was possible that he wouldn't need to pick her out of a crowd. Would he act that way in Rain, where Pein and Konan watched over the population with a view to eradicating shinobi threats? Well. Ryouta wouldn't have chanced it... but Hidan rarely shared her risk aversion.

"That's so cool," she said, leaning over some of the ugliest jewellery in the world. Mostly it was insects trapped in amber, fancifully tied up in bright string to form bracelets. "Do you think my girlfriend will like it, Auntie?"

The lady's babble—of course she would, why, any woman would love a juvenile sand scorpion stuck in a fossil!—washed over her. She was paying more attention to Hidan, who'd stopped to buy a bug on a stick.

The shopkeeper gave him a second one for free. From this distance it was hard to say if he knew who Hidan was and was attempting to ward off death with food, or if Hidan was just kind of reaping the rewards of being beautiful in public. Either way, he looked at it, shrugged, and took it too, twirling the stick deftly between his fingers as he moved on. The fried water bug's legs wagged stiffly with its momentum.

"Ah, I think I should check with her before I spend money on it," Ryouta said regretfully. "What if she doesn't like it, and I can't get her something else because I spent all my money?" The stall lady did not, she noticed, hasten to offer a returns policy. "Thanks for your time, Auntie!"

It became harder to follow Hidan innocuously when he passed the edge of the market. There was no longer a crowd in which to immerse herself. Ryouta wasn't sure how they did it exactly, but she knew that she'd be heavily surveilled if she seemed suspicious. She could hide her identity easily, but it was harder to hide a developed chakra system... and someone might show up to chase her off. She'd been chased off once, as Chiriko, and it wasn't lost on her that the real Chiriko (a genin missing-nin from Sand who'd been part of her pay grading study) had died pretty shortly after. She didn't want that.

Luckily, being chased off once gave her plenty information to come back with a work around. She couldn't hide that she was somewhere in Rain—whatever surveillance technique they used was simply too good, or too large, or... she didn't know. But she could cast a broad enough genjutsu to confuse it. For several hours, she could be everywhere in Rain, all at once.

It was still risky, which was why she also paired it with an illusion that layered over her Ryouta mask. She was Ryouta, and over that, she was a relatively wealthy civilian lady she'd copied from the market, and over that, she was wearing a little seal carved into the back of an amulet, a low level genjutsu for hiding skin blemishes.

If someone—Kakuzu, obviously, because it wouldn't be Hidan—managed to sense her genjutsu, she could surrender the amulet, and that distraction would allow her to drop a little illusion over him, a veil so delicate he'd never even see it.

For anyone else, holding onto four separate genjutsu techniques all at once might be a challenge. But Ryouta had been a missing-nin, and, more importantly, a freelance criminologist specialising in missing-nin, for almost thirty years now. She would never attain half her data if she'd been unable to observe and record her subjects. And her subjects hated to be observed.

She'd been the best genjutsu master in Waterfall by the time she was twelve, and she had only improved since leaving that village.

She flicked a senbon at an urn of hot water to cause a little distraction. A child yelped in startled pain as the ceramic broke, and she took the opportunity to lift a cute brooch off a woman's lapel, because why not? And then she became the civilian lady as she passed through a narrow walkway between stalls, just as everyone was distracted by the broken urn.

She emerged from the market a foot shorter and much less threatening, clutching her bag to her side as she went. Her footsteps were quick and her eyes were cast downwards.

Hidan, ahead of her by two hundred paces, did not notice. He was gnawing a deep fried water bug leg, rolling the snath of his giant scythe on one shoulder so the blades twirled dizzily against the black and red cloud design of his Akatsuki cloak, and strolling along as though he hadn't a concern in the world.

A few years ago, she would have thought that he seemed not to notice and that he was playing a long game whose central goal was to drive her paranoid. But time and experience had given her more insight. Hidan really, truly, did not know when he was being followed.

She had, occasionally, seen Kakuzu point out other followers to him—not her, obviously—and usually with an air of faintly murderous exasperation. Hidan never cared. He was... extremely confident in his immortality.

She followed him through the dreary rundown village of Rain, keeping her distance and tracking him mostly by chakra instead of by actually watching him. His eventual stopping point took her, as she expected, directly to Kakuzu. He was an unmistakable character in the grey weather: tall, with powerful shoulders, bare arms shamelessly displaying Waterfall's old prison tattoos, and the most hostile chakra on the planet.

She knew pair would almost certainly end up in a nearby teahouse, because Hidan was a grade-a whiner and he couldn't be stopped by the paltry forces of death.

Ryouta—in her disguise as a civilian whose name she didn't know—gave the missing-nin a wide berth and ducked her head as she walked straight past the pair. If she predicted them well enough, and went into the teahouse before both of them, she would allay most concerns that they might be being followed.

Outside, the pair were having their usual reunion: Kakuzu a murderous little cloud of angry chakra, Hidan a loud, running commentary of his own exploits.

"Oh, here, I got free shrimp," Hidan offered.

"That's not a shrimp," Kakuzu growled.

She couldn't actually see Kakuzu's face as she was moving towards the back of the store, but his tone wasn't very promising.

"They're all just bugs," shrugged Hidan, slouching into his own seat and cramming it into his face instead. "Fried water bug, shrimp. Fried scorpion, shrimp. Fried yabby, shrimp."

Without any indication that this riveting conversation drifting in from outside concerned her, she flagged down the server for a pot of tea and settled inside the teahouse's main room with her notebook and pen, writing down the details of the date and time and location, was well as a little context from her prior observations.

Kakuzu was at least eighty six years old, by the records of his own village (which was once her village, so she came by the information honestly), so there was a lot to contextualise her notes. His career was really what had set her teenaged self on the path to a criminological study of missing-nin.

The thing about missing-nin was that they lived and died by their professional networks. They needed to form trustworthy interpersonal bonds to ensure they kept up to date with vital industry intelligence (gossip), to hear about new jobs, and to ensure they were negotiating their work at a reasonable market price. The stereotype of the lone missing-nin who trusted nobody was based on a real phenomenon, but rarely did it apply to successful missing-nin, where success was measured by longevity and professional achievements.

Missing-nin who lived like aggressive, paranoid hermits actually experienced lower life expectancies and poor mission outcomes, even compared to other missing-nin. She knew because she'd completed several rounds of observation, data collection and analysis to come up with the theory.

Her study had involved tracking and following thirty two missing-nin, careening across the continent at a breakneck pace, over a gruelling five year period. She would have loved to have expanded her cohort but she was, unfortunately, just one researcher doing extremely difficult and dangerous field work, and tracking thirty two people who had been trained to evade pursuit had been a massive outlay of effort on her behalf. Ten of them had been killed in the first year of her study (which was probably lucky for her), and then five had died over the subsequent four years. As far as it went, her social networking theory had held true for basically all of them. Missing-nin like Orochimaru and Momochi Zabuza, who displayed even inconsistently prosocial attitudes towards other missing-nin, were almost always better off over the five year period of her study.

Except Kakuzu.

Kakuzu was a really significant outlier. She'd been watching him for a long, long time.

He was successful, he had lived a long time, and he showed very little prosocial behaviour. A personal professional network had built up around him like the nacre of a pearl, with him the grit at its centre.

She had her theories about that, too. Kakuzu had got to be so old by borrowing time and chakra from others' hearts and becoming virtually indestructible by way of his kinjutsu, and it allowed him to outlive every one of his contemporaries. She had not been studying missing-nin back when he had become one, but the world had been quite different at that time—hidden villages had been only lately established in a much less stable professional landscape. It was possible that different traits had been more valuable in missing-nin at that time, accounting for his ability to establish himself in that era.

Then again, possibly they had valued exactly the same things. Perhaps if you only doggedly killed everyone who got close to you, and worked very hard to become functionally immortal, you would eventually build up a professional reputation regardless of your character.

She didn't know.

She did know that Kakuzu was within the top two per cent of earners across her study (assuming some room for error), and enjoyed a strong professional reputation among missing-nin and bounty collectors while going virtually unnoticed by the big five villages—even by Leaf, whose Shodaime Hokage he had once tried to assassinate. A clerk had simply decided at some point that Kakuzu must have been dead and removed him from their active records, was the working theory.

She tapped her notebook, outwardly preoccupied, as Kakuzu and Hidan finally came into the teashop. They didn't look at her, although they surely knew she was there. If they really wanted to talk about something secret, probably they would just tell her to leave. Akatsuki were in the employ of Rain, after all... technically. They could do that.

It may not have appeared likely to a casual observer, but Hidan was the person with whom Kakuzu was friendliest. His ability to bounce back from drownings, stabbings and decapitations gave him real staying power.

At first she hadn't liked Hidan. She'd been following Kakuzu for thirty years, keeping track of his absolutely absurd shinobi career, and initially Hidan had represented an intrusion into the private lifestyle she shared with Kakuzu. But he was not obstructive, and once she realised Kakuzu quite liked him, she'd come around on him a bit.

It was selfish of her, she later decided, to resent Kakuzu's young man. Besides, Kakuzu didn't know he was sharing his life with her—perhaps he was lonely.

They were a delight to watch from her quiet corner of the teahouse, really. Kakuzu acted so cold, leaning against the back wall, sipping hot water and grunting a disinterested counterpoint to Hidan's wild gestures and loud commentary. But she felt he was unusually tolerant and engaged, comparatively.

The pair appeared to be waiting for another pair of missing-nin. That was interesting, and lent further credence to the idea that the Akatsuki were centrally organised in Rain. Perhaps they even were Rain? She wasn't sure about the mysterious undead leader, but Konan would have fit right in with the rest of them...

Her observations really went pear shaped when the other two missing-nin walked into the tea house. Hoshigaki Kisame she was pretty familiar with, and he wasn't the problem. It was the other guy.

Uchiha Itachi swept the cloth covering the doorway out of the way with one hand, ducked into the teahouse, and immediately looked straight at her in her corner.

The worst part was, it wasn't as if he actually broke her genjutsu. There was no flaw in it, no place to apply pressure. Her genjutsu was good. Itachi just saw straight through all the visual elements of it with his unholy burning eyes.

He paused in the doorway and said, "I think you are not meant to be here," and then she looked him full in the face and fainted.

--

"What's your name?" said Uchiha Itachi, the moment she regained consciousness.

She recognised Kakuzu immediately, looking fierce over his shoulder. Hidan next, then Kisame. Really, Uchiha Itachi took her the longest to put a name to, of all of them. He had not been on her radar at all—as missing-nin, the Uchiha bloodline had seemed, unfortunately, too dangerous to include in her studies. And then he'd gone and killed them all anyway, which had seemed to make it a bit of a moot point in a representative sample...

She swallowed. He was waiting for an answer.

Who was she today? Where was she? She blinked rapidly. Teahouse. Sprawled on the table. Lying on her back, surrounded by looming missing-nin. Tea cooling on her belly, not yet cold. No sounds from the staff. Memory rose like bubbles in water.

"Ryouta," she said, finally.

Someone grabbed her by the hair—her REAL hair!—and shook her. "That's not a girl's name."

"Don't touch my fucking hair," she snarled, wrenching her head around. It was Hidan's hand buried in her glossy red curls. Of course it was Hidan. She snapped her teeth at his offending hand, close enough that he yanked his fingers back.

Itachi looked at Hidan, and for just a moment he seemed unable to hide his expression of profound disdain. That was interesting, she thought. Itachi clearly thought he was better than Hidan. Fair enough. So did she. But she would bet Hidan didn't agree with that assessment. She wondered if he knew?

He probably did know. Hidan was oblivious to his surroundings but he had strong interpersonal skills. He picked up on nuances in Kakuzu's behaviour that honestly shocked her.

She glanced between the two, thoughts racing, and then settled her gaze on Itachi. He was the most dangerous to her. She needed to pay attention to him, to be compliant with him, to flatter his ego.

"I haven't had a name in decades."

"I don't recognise her," Kakuzu interjected. She wished this was an opportunity to interview him. What he must remember! But it pretty clearly wasn't the time. "We'll get nothing for her head."

"Waterfall isn't shy about posting bounties. She must not be very important. A small fry, huh...?" Kisame mused. "Well, everyone likes to make a reputation somehow." This idea seemed to amuse him greatly. He showed all his sharp teeth when he smiled.

She knew quite a bit about Kisame, as he was another of her study participants. She had watched his missions and negotiations several times, following quietly in his wake of his large-scale destruction.

But Kakuzu's eyes had narrowed. "No. I didn't sense your genjutsu." He looked towards Kisame, who also shook his head.

If Kisame had sensed her genjutsu she would have had to quit her job. He had so much chakra she could have walked by his side, right in step, and hidden herself beneath its friendly shadow. He would never have known she was there.

Except, well, of course he would have, because now he was travelling with Uchiha Itachi, apparently.

Itachi had taken her amulet, the one inscribed with a vanity seal to hide skin blemishes. He peered at it for a few seconds, and then he looked up at her face again. The sharingan really were demonic to look at, black pinwheels spinning lazily against a red so bright it seemed to glow. The sky probably turned that colour at dawn on the apocalypse.

"I doubt she's a small fry," he said. He had one of those deep voices, the kind that didn't so much 'say,' as 'intone.' Each sentence a gonglike proclamation. Ugh. "What's in this?" He waved her notebook.

She clicked her tongue. "Notes. For my research."

"People who are lying—even shinobi—tend to have certain tells. Humans are naturally afraid of being caught telling falsehoods. Their sweat changes. Their pulse beats faster. They blink more rapidly. They change their rate of eye contact. My eyes can capture all these things. But you..." He tapped the notebook against his palm. "...do not have those tells."

"I'm telling the truth."

"Were you telling the truth when you said your name was Ryouta?"

She shrugged. "A truth."

Hidan scoffed loudly.

"What's the key?" Itachi looked down at her. "You can tell me, or we will discover it on our own eventually."

They would. It wasn't a very hard code. Her notes weren't really that secret. She published her work eventually. She just didn't want to get caught writing them, so she coded them, and then they could have been anything. Mission report. Love notes. Who knew?

With a deep sigh, she told him.

He thumbed through the book. At his level, it really only took him a few minutes to piece together whole sentences. Slowly, his expression changed from confusion to understanding to confusion again. This book wasn't especially important. It had only a few notes about the really big outliers from her most recent five year study, and the tally of negotiations at the back. She always tallied negotiations she saw—because every two years, she produced a record of mission prices for missing-nin, copied them by hand and pamphleteered in dive bars across the continent. Industry research was to be shared, after all.

"You observe a great many missing-nin," Itachi said slowly. He flipped back. Paused. "...A great many. A greater number than I would expect."

He handed her notebook off to Kakuzu, who buried his face in it immediately.

"Everyone needs a hobby..?"

Kisame snorted. "Some hobby."

"This might be the most boring thing I've ever heard," Hidan said, in a worrying tone of mounting dissatisfaction.

"She's been watching you, too, fool," said Kakuzu. That was kind of unfair: she only paid attention to Hidan because he was attached at the hip to Kakuzu. Otherwise, Hidan was another dime-a-dozen missing-nin, distinguished only by his little immortality trick. You got ninja like that, sometimes—incredible combatants who were really one trick ponies, but won all the time anyway because it was one hell of a trick.

"What!" Hidan yelped. "Show me."

"...What makes you think Orochimaru is pretending to be the Yondaime Kazekage?" Itachi asked then, distracting her.

"Ah... Well, he was part of the five year study. I'm just following up on outliers right now. He definitely killed Rasa, but I'm honestly not sure why he's pretending to be him. I theorise he's enjoying bonding moments with the Kazekage's children while wearing their dad's skin."

The bonding moments were genuinely pretty wholesome. That was part of the joyous cruelty of it, probably: Orochimaru didn't mind playing the long game, and he just loved to get a reaction.

"The five year study," Itachi repeated.

"I haven't published it yet. My recent work has been tracking the correlation between prosocial behaviour in missing-nin and professional success and longevity across five years. Orochimaru in particular has proven... erratic."

Kisame, who had stood back to loom behind Itachi, gave a rusty laugh. "Erratic, huh."

Kakuzu, though, had gotten to the back of the book—where her notes on pricing were.

"You," he snarled. He jabbed a finger towards her. "You write the cost list."

His chakra leeched like poison into the air, flooding them all with killing intent.

I am in danger, she thought, with every last squealing cell in her body.

"Ohh," said Kisame. "That."

"Who cares about that," said Hidan, scowling furiously. "She wrote that I'm an idiot!"

She probably wasn't going get a better opening than that. She flexed her own chakra.

"It's not like I'm alone in that opinion. Uchiha Itachi has been looking at you like you're an idiot for the last ten minutes."

Hidan sneered. "Nice try."

"She's right," intoned Itachi's deep voice.

His head snapped up. "What did you say?"

"That's a scary face," Itachi's voice mused. His red eyes spun faster. "Do you think you can beat me with just your skills, Hidan?"

Of course, Itachi himself actually did none of these things. But Hidan obviously did know what Itachi thought of him, after all, because he believed them totally.

Thank god.

She manufactured a sniffing noise from Kakuzu, which was as close as she'd ever heard him get to actually laughing. Hidan, she knew, valued Kakuzu's regard, and he was as close to having it as anyone ever had been. If she was right, thinking that Itachi had insulted him and Kakuzu was amused by it was going to hit all of Hidan's berserk buttons.

She was right.

Hidan lunged—and not at her, but at Itachi.

Which meant that the only person who was a real threat to her genjutsu skills was suddenly very occupied. Phew!

The room exploded into noise as everyone reacted to Hidan's sudden attack.

She pulled layer upon layer of illusions over herself as she rolled off the table, and then she hugged one of the walls, camouflaged like a chameleon, and darted away.

Getting out of Rain was her first priority. Then, she'd fix whatever Hidan had done to her hair—her scalp was still sore where he'd yanked on it, ugh. And then she guessed she'd write down what she remembered of her notes.

It certainly wasn't worth going back for them.