#hes also my son and the specialest boy i the world

[conanssummerchild]

WHY IS THE GAY OR BI MIKE DISCOURSE COMING BACK I THOUGHT WE LEFT THIS IN 2023

[sunshinemoonrx]

since you've taught me so much already. top 5 characters from historical literature (i love the guys i've heard about so far)

Helllll yeah. Okay so a lot of these are gonna be "all right here's a pretty famous guy but did you know he was originally different and weird!" Folklore time let's goooooo

Honourable mention: All of Medieval Welsh Lit

This is a catch-all I'm using to stop all 5 of these entries from being this because I gotta cover places like Turkey and Ireland. There's still a couple dw. But there's so many more like Rhiannon, world's most magical snarky part-time ponygirl; Macsen Wledic, who everyone wants to be their ancestor, or wait this is a reflection of the historical would-be Roman emperor Magnus Maximus; Mabon ap Modron, world's specialest boy who does fuck all Oh Wait this is an ancient deity who was syncretised with Apollo? Neat! Okay actual entries Go

5. Robin Hood

This is a prime case of "in the original version..." I'm actually a big fan of the earliest medieval Robin Hood ballads we have, they're very fun bouncy little adventures and the middle English is just comprehensible enough that I can alternate between reading the original text and the translation. Did you know that it took a couple centuries for Robin to be turned into an exiled lord (to make him more palatable to a noble audience when they started making plays about him, he originated in songs and performances at country fairs), and he was a commoner fucking with the king before then? And that despite how much a "modern twist" it seems, Marian (who might have started as an unrelated character with her own adventures) beating him in a fight actually pre-dates the nobleman thing!

4. Battal Gazi

The absolute lad. A pulp adventure style hero from medieval Turkish epics sourced from the Byzantine frontier. There's a real cowboy adventure vibe to these. And they got made into a series of campy adventure films in the 50s! And he defeated one HUNDRED Romans with EACH swing of his sword and EVERYONE clapped (for real I'm pretty sure he kills Charlemagne in one of these)

3. Taliesin

The secret main character of medieval Welsh literature and poetry! An actual historical poet of the 6th century who became so famous that later medieval writers would write legends about him having magic bardic powers, write poems in his voice...which makes it hard to figure out what he actually wrote! But what can be sorta confidently attributed to him mostly consists of praise poetry for the north-British king Urien Rheged, which is...maybe a little romantic? He always ends them with

"And until I fail in old age,

in the sore necessity of death,

May I not be smiling,

If I praise not Urien."

Which is nice. Urien is the sneaky other subject of this--he's also a really interesting guy halfway between history and legend, subject of a whole bunch more poetry and hegemon of his while region. His son, Owain, possibly fought in the famous battle of the Gododdin, was written as the leader of hundreds of giant magical ravens, and finally got absorbed into continental Arthurian legend as 'Yvain'

2. Cai the Fair

Speaking of Arthur! I'm a big fan of the original version based in Welsh folklore, a wandering warrior prior to his transformation into a chivalric king. Similarly, some of his knights started as companions of the original version, and my favourite is the counterpart of Sir Kay. In later and mainstream Arthuriana he's the jackass who exists to get clowned on to show how cool Lancelot or whoever is, but this is actually because he started off as Arthur's best guy, so in anime rival tradition, showing him up is an easy way to establish your cool new OC. The original Cai can grow giant, has both heat and cold powers, can survive underwater for weeks...he slays all kind of giants, fights a giant cat, and then he does one giant slaying in a slightly sneaky way and Arthur (who is sometimes called a "frivolous bard") sings a mean song about him and he swears never to help him again. Oops!

He's also a bit gay with it--he's often paired with Bedwyr (source of Sir Bedivere), they love questing together and swear by each other, Cai was heartbroken when he died...

1. Cú Chulainn

The BOY. My GUY

The central hero of most of the Ulster cycle, you may know him from Fate. But the Fate version is less weird and less anime than the medieval version!! This Cú is a weird little trans-coded twink with three-coloured hair, seven-coloured eyes, a bunch of named special moves and an epic duel to the death with his boyfriend.

He's such a fucked up little guy! He's the perfect product and also the perfect victim of the glory-obsessed warrior culture he exists in, he's driven to destroy himself and everyone around him by a constant terror of not being the best at all times, he's so...arrrrrgh. he's the guy!! He's an extremely bad person to be clear. I love him. Sometimes he gets so worked up into a warrior's frenzy he generates a flaming aura that can melt snow and has to be dunked in cold water to chill out! I have like three writing projects in the works that are basically "Cú Chulainn for lesbians". Highest honour I can bestow

[cringefailvox]

INTRIGUED BY SCUM VILLAIN YOU SAY???

i totally agree with previous anon that you would enjoy this novel immensely btw. (also i've seen u rb from prince-liest on occasion, idk if u two talk much or anything like that BUT prince-liest has reblogged scum villain fanart and stuff before! so if you're like me and the best way to get you into anything is to have a friend infodump to you about it, maybe ask them) i rlly think its up ur alley

anyway i feel like it's useless to tell you the premise since you can find that easily on your own, but here's some general propaganda for the novel

the love interest BASICALLY canonically has bpd (the word bpd isn't ever used, but the coding is. extremely blatant) and the story ends with him being loved and accepted unconditionally for who he is

the love interest's father is a fudanshi who canonically reads explicit rpf about his son

the main character is perceived by everyone around him as being cool, composed, and elegant at all times, but his internal monologue consists mostly of panicking, complaining and swearing

the novel is written comedically but there's actually a ton of emotional complexity and depth to all the characters, including some really fascinatingly tragic pre-canon events (do not even get me STARTED on qijiu. i have never been more mentally ill about a ship in my entire life.)

persistent themes throughout the story about the importance of communication and how a breakdown in communication can destroy relationships even between people who deeply and irrevocably love each other

one of the characters is a little snake guy. a little scaly fella. his name is zhuzhi-lang and he is the cutest and specialest boy in the world

the propaganda is absolutely working on me. kind of obsessed with this whole vibe. WILL 100% be looking into it :] <3

[lanshappycorner]

I love love love all your art and especially your Madl brother head canons! ❤️❤️ Wirth is my favorite character- I would die for him T-T His story with his dad makes me so sad and I was wondering if you think Orter knows about it? Their dad seems proud of Orter so I can’t imagine him talking like that to Orter…AHHHHH I don’t know! I just started Mashle and I’m living off scraps for these brothers. T-T Basically do you have head cannons for protective Orter or reconciled Madl brothers? Again, love all your work!!

Thank u anon!! I too love the madl brothers they r everything to me 🫶🫶 this will be long so I'll put it under the cut

HMM ill try to keep this as spoiler free as possible just in case since you mentioned you just started mashle !! But !!

I do think Orter knows about the treatment their father gives Wirth, but I think he's ignorant to the impact that it has on Wirth. I will try to keep this vague but umm....Orter was not born as necessarily the perfect son, but you know he became successful in the end so it's all whatever haha

As such its likely he endured the same treatment as Wirth, but unlike Wirth, Orter has much more of a "Do whatever I think is correct" mindset, so unlike Wirth, who thinks that he needs to catch up to his brother and be good at everything to have value as a human, Orter is very much like "I'll do whatever is convenient for me by my own moral compass" which is both a good and bad thing because hes probably coping with the shitty parental treatment better than Wirth, but also his moral compass is [insert Mashle Season 2]

Also additional hcs about their relationship!! I think after they reconcile, they can finally compete but like...in a not toxic way. A lot of Wirth's frustration with his brother stems from the fact that his brother simply does not acknowledge him, and remains an unreachable distant figure.

So if Wirth ever gets competitive with Orter, I think it would be cute for Orter to reciprocate or vocalize that he "wouldn't lose to Wirth either". That way, Wirth would feel acknowledged and also brotherly rivalry is always a fun time

Unrelated to the brotherly rivalry I just think it would be so funny if Orter sometimes sees Wirth's little quirks and he's like "aw that's cute (straight face)" like that's his little brother!! The most specialest adorablest boy in the world !!! Everyone better cheer and clap when Wirth walks into the room or hes blowing this place up!!!!

And Wirth is just like "Nii-san I am a grown ass man. Cut it out" but also Wirth has been deprived of affection from his family for so long that he's embarrassed that he feels a little happy at being called cute at his big age 💀💀 he likes to be complimented by Orter no matter the compliment, he's just too embarrassed to admit it

[unloneliest]

i have NOT heard about your boy jay btw… 👀

OKAY SO. well in 2009 (maybe) i had a dream of a fantasy epic and when i woke up i wrote it down immediately. and that's where the story jay exists in began. and creating its world and all the characters in it is something i've been so just. bound to doing since then. it's my biggest story these characters mean the world to me.

at this point it's a story that starts with one generation and continues with their kids, and jay is a significant character in both halves of the story, but very crucially is not chosen-one-main-character material in the way many, many other characters in this world are.

jay is. well. hmm. how do i explain jay. the thing about jay is. i love him very much. the thing about jay is.

well i'm putting this under a cut because it got long.

there comes a time when he is grieving the man he thought he'd spend the rest of his life with, alone at the edge of the desert. he's visiting the home they'd built together. they'd planned a garden, and jay's been back to plant fruit trees. and the sibling god, the deity of death/life/cycles/balance, a deity very fond of underdogs, comes to him.

they tell him that things are very wrong in the valley—the balance of things is very, very wrong, and things weren't supposed to happen this way. and the sibling god tells him he wasn't supposed to be in this story.

there's people who are: the gods choose people to act on their behalf, especially when places reach boiling points like this; there's people who are inevitably going to play a role due to the circumstances of their birth—princes, powerful magic users, children of the resistance, the list goes on. people whose lives would inevitably be touched by these grand events, even though the specifics were up to them.

the sibling god tells jay he had no such fate. that his suffering is a consequence of the unnatural imbalance: he was supposed to get to be happy, mostly. to get to have a life. and the sibling god tells jay something about the future.

jay doesn't have a fate, and he won't have a fate. and he's already done so much to better the world. he could walk away from the struggle, the center of the fight to right things, and it wouldn't be a failing on his part in any way. there's other ways he could do good. but they both know he's not going to, with how many people he loves fighting here at the heart of things. a couple of them are people with fates. one less, now.

what the sibling god tells him is that it's going to kill him someday. he's not destined to die, but he's not going to walk away from doing everything he can to change things, to make them better, even knowing it's going to kill him.

and he doesn't. and eventually, it does.

the sibling god offers jay a blessing, to counterbalance the pain of the life he's chosen. jay asks that when he dies, it's not for his son, so that his son doesn't have to live with the pain of the weight of that. this was very much so not a blessing For Jay, so the sibling god grants him—something else also, i'm workshopping what i put in in an earlier draft at this point—but this is how jay's son ends up unkiillable, chosen by the sibling god.

i just. jay is my specialest boy. he cares so much. he doesn't have to. he's not fated to. he knows it's going to kill him and that he could walk away and he knows he doesn't have to but when two the children of the monarchy the resistance has been fighting find their way to the resistance with help from jay's son he raises them too. and he loves them. even though it's their parents who're why he's grieving.

i just. what do you do with a self sacrificial protector character when they outlive the character they'd have died for because that person died to save them? what do you do when they choose to love more people so hard it changes the future and they never even get to see that future? the god of death comes to tell jay he's doomed not by fate but by his nature and through their encounters over the years jay falls a little bit in love with them.

what am i supposed to do with my boy i can't keep him from dying but he saves all his kids. i'm not sure if jay ever gets to see the trees he planted fruit, but they do.

(oh shit also i'm gonna link my jay tag on my sideblog for this story as well as the most developed relationship tag that includes him: jay / silas who is. so so doomed and dead. not the only relationship that matters with jay but the most tagged on my sideblog)

[wyldblunt]

So, how's the gang doing in ibs? Seems like they had a great time at the rally :3

~🌸

they DID have a great time at the rally!!! glyn especially, social situations are usually Extremely Rough with him but he tends to get on very well with charr in general and cubs especially love him. alan was initially very miffed that what he thought was a fun party invitation ended up becoming More Diplomatic Work, Again, but still managed to enjoy himself in spite of that. viper squad + lorelei were having a lot of fun too.

However. Now We Are As Far As Drizzlewood Coast.

current status is as follows:

alan - NOT having fun!!!!!! NOT having a good time!!!! he was almorra's most darlingest specialest perfectest golden boy, was SUPER SUPER close to her, and her murder has left him absolutely devastated. also he got shot in the chest, which was not enjoyable either. working very VERY hard to keep it together and Do His Job but he's so tired and has barely had any time to grieve or catch his breath. also his boyfriend loves war which is grating

lorelei — NOT having fun!!!!!! their mentor got shot in the chest!!! very very good at managing the terrain in drizzlewood, very very bad at coping with the emotional stress everyone is going through. way too much empathy, absolutely devastated by seeing a people torn apart like this — feels a lot like what sylvari went through via mordremoth to them, which is super upsetting. wants this to be over Now. something about all this is making them miss rox a lot also

merrit — NOT having fun!!!!!! it's fucking scary out here and the constant power-grappling reminds him of the nightmare court. also coming to terms with the fact that her favorite band in the whole wide world was being leveraged as fascist propaganda. also his father loves war which is grating

glyndwr — okay sorry to everyone but this is istan/kourna all over again and he's having the time of his LIFE. glyndwr is thriving. he's moisturized he's in his element he's experiencing flow he's flourishing he's making moves. far be it from any of us to speculate that maybe all that errant balthazar juice he got blasted with has perhaps somehow Done Something To His Brain but, as previously mentioned, this guy fucking loves war. i will say smodur is driving him crazy but that's kind of because it's a taste of his own medicine — smodur is, frankly, just treating him almost the exact same way he normally treats everyone else and he cannot STAND it. on the other hand his boyfriend got shot in the chest, which is bad, and he is still extremely pissed off about that. (whatever unspecified amount of time the commander is meant to spend out of it/recovering in the eye of the north? glyn spent that entire time Grimly Pacing outside alan's infirmary tent, and maybe Occasionally sleeping at his bedside whenever he was too physically exhausted to keep pacing.) also he's stressed out by the whole ryland thing. he can one billion percent relate to "i will ignore all pragmatic choices and also reality in general in order to protect my son, no matter who gets hurt" and it is Not Comfortable to be an observer witnessing one of his closest friends engaging in that behavior bc he cannot reasonably argue against it given that (while nobody knows this) he himself has literally doomed an entire alternate timeline operating on that line. its cool though. it'll probably be fine

[adelaidedrubman]

2, 11, 27, 29, and 46 for johnjessie?

THANK YOU VERBS these were very fun to do for the normcore couple!!

2. Who wakes up early/Who sleeps in late? 

john wakes up earliest, consistently. unless it’s a day jessie plans to go fishing, then — just kidding john wakes up first then too, but it’s from jessie’s 4 AM alarm, as she proceeds to sleep through it and the next ten that follow it, and any effort of his to wake her. 

11. How do they feel about nicknames/pet names? If they like them, what pet names do they use? If they hate them, why do they feel that way? 

john called jessie “little red” exactly once before about-facing and radioing her the same day “OMG just kidding you’re actually the biggest, strongest person in the entire world haha wouldn’t it be funny if you crushed me with your giant muscles 🥺” and never really attempting a pet name again from that point. also driven by the setting in of his obsessive focus on simply learning her first name at all, and while what he does finally learn is technically a nickname he is also so dedicated to flaunting it as the world’s best prize to himself that he doesn’t bother to dress it up with any additional sweet talk. just jessie. that’s so incredible. (i guess spoilery and of note is that he will continue to call her “jessie” even after he learns her full name, because he knows she prefers it. something something symbolism). the most he ever does is tack on the occasional “jessie, dear” or “my jessie.”

jestiny throws out a stray “baby” or few in the heat of the moment, which is of course so taunting and belittling and not at all meant to make him feel like her most special baby boy. don’t get it twisted he would be so dumb to think that. other than that, it’s just “john” or “that fucking guy”

27. How do they say “I love you” non-verbally? 

managing to be comfortably non-verbal at all is an unprecedented miracle and massive “i love you” in and of itself with them. 

but also jessie will pause the rough handling to just look at him and give stray, unusually tender and doting touches — forehead kisses, tracing his freckles with her fingers, etc. john tends to full body cling, absentmindedly tangle fingers in her hair, touch her dimples when they’re visible. also mutual just constantly reaching for each other and finding ways to be in each other’s space. and these wild sons of guns do be holding hands. 

29. Describe their nighttime routine. 

fall asleep in THE DIRT. john snores so loud jessie thinks he’s a sleep paralysis demon for a sec then goes back to sleep. yeah they do this every night why not 

(real nighttime routine varies a bit by exact living circumstances, but usually consistents of jessie busying herself with something well into the night, john pestering her to come to bed already. then finally initiating sex in an effort to get her to the bedroom, never actually ends up in the bedroom because she is So Spiteful and Will Not Be Manipulated and he is too dumb and horny to have any follow through on his own plan. they go to bed anyways after but she has to Prove A Point first. yeah they do this every night) 

46. Do they consider their relationship casual or serious? Is the answer different depending on who you ask? Why?

they are both super fun super casual people known for being chill, laid-back, and having measured emotional reactions and attachments. which for her part jessie is actually deluded enough to believe about herself, she swears anything between them was a momentary lapse in judgment that means nothing. they just did Hand Stuff (she has not gone ten minutes without thinking about him) it was basically Church Camp Shit (she is actively hallucinating him as a coping mechanism to make her other hallucinations less stressful). 

john for his part is less in denial about that piece, while he occasionally downplays or obfuscates the motivations behind his obsession he has never once denied that she is the world’s specialest most importantest girl. “his world [had] been shaken to its foundations, cleaved in twain and hollowed out and rebuilt from its core to be filled with her” - guy who got jerked off and learned a woman’s first name. he thinks they’re pretty serious, yeah. 

[mistninja]

Okay SO Realm of the Elderlings is a 16 book long fantasy series. actully its 5 series all set in the same universe, but since they all follow a linear storyline and connect with each other it can be seen as just one

Anyways, the first trilogy (Farseers) follows my specialest saddest boy Fitz, who is the bastard of the heir of the Six Duchies. Fitz dad is super embarrassed about having a bastard so he goes away and makes his Totally Platonic Life Companion Burrich raise fitz on the palace. Fitz is then trained as an assassin by the kings own secret assassin, from the adorable age of 6. Theres a lot of court intrigue going on but also vikings are turning people into zombies so the kingdom is Having a Hard Time, so they marry the new heir with a princess from the mountains yadda yadda fitz almost gets killed yadda yadda. Oh, theres two magic systems, the wit (animal communication) and the skill (telepathy) and the wit is a metaphor for Something (mostly being gay) and Burrich has it and tries to beat it out of fitz but it doesnt work. Shit happens to fitz, he gets a gf, he becomes a badass and people want him to be king but his Evil Uncle tells everyone that Fitz has the wit and then fitz gets tortured and murdered. Dont worry he gets better (sorta). Then he wants to get revenge but his Good Uncle (who went to the mountains to find elves to help them with the vikings making zombies issue) is like "come here boy" and fitz goes to the mountains where he meets with his Best Friend love of his life The fool. Btw the fool is kinda an elf and he and fitz are the Prophet and the Catalyst, a pair that gets born every age to save the world together, sorta. Yadda yadda shit happens the good uncle becomes a dragon yadda yadda the kingdom gets saved and fitz is like "well i dont have to deal with my trauma if i put it all inside a stone (literally)" so he does that and goes to live alone for a decade. Oh he has a wolf (Nighteyes)

If i get into the rest this will be too long so:

Second trilogy is the liveship traders. There are pirates. Sea snakes that are actually dragons. Not like the dragon that fitz uncle turned into, real dragons. The ships are alive. Also the ships are actually dead dragons. Its about a merchant family, in another kingdom. the fool is here as lady amber (genderfluid icon).

Third trilogy is the tawny man trilogy, it follows fitz as a 30 something. He has an adoptive son. He goes on romantic trips with the fool, they argue, they get back together. The fool dies. He gets better. Its very dramatic. They kiss btw. Then the fool leaves :( and fitz marries his old gf (who btw, was married to fitz adoptive dad burrich and they had lots of kids but burrich died so they can be together now). Ah theres dragons here. And Vikings again!

The fourth series is 4 books i havent read it but it seems to be entirely about dragons.

The final trilogy follows old man fitz. He and the fool have a daughter i think. Idk

[naivesilver]

top 5 adaptations of the Fairy from Pinocchio? (or maybe top 5 best AND 5 worst?)

I spent so long staring at this and wondering if I even KNEW five good Fairies, but it turns out I do, albeit mostly for asinine reasons. Anyway AHFAKKJKFHAHJKJA thank you <3

Ask me my top 5 anything

Obviously under the cut because I couldn't resist and did BOTH

The salt AKA the worst of the worst first:

1) Piccolino No Bouken

Surprised? I suppose most would have expected me to put the Disney Fairy first, and I did, too, for a while, but as I was sitting in my car pondering this ranking I realized I was SEETHING with rage about this one, so I had to rearrange things a bit. This, guys, is where my Fairy hate begins - not the book, not the Mouse's interference. This woman.

I hate her. I hate her SO MUCH, for all that I love this adaptation more than most things in the world, and that the choices made about her characterization were a huge inspiration for me. Not only does she not send Pinocchio to school, instead teaching him on her own, she is the only one to actively keep Pinocchio from his father - indeed, she makes the choice for them, saying to Geppetto's face that it would be best for the boy to be taught something before he goes back home. Who the hell are you to make this call, uh? You have known him for a day at most! You left him hanging from a fucking tree all night! I wouldn't trust you with a bloody lapdog, nevermind a child!

Also she lets Pinocchio believe she's dead UNTIL THE VERY END. She turns into a bird while he cries at her tomb. Are we fucking serious now? Leave him alone.

(Yes, this is elementary school me howling for revenge. I've been mad about this longer than reason would let me. Sue me.)

2) Disney's Pinocchio

Bane of my existence. I don't know if anyone remembers that pic of me at the Pinocchio theme park I posted a while ago, but basically in that moment they were putting up a little show to tell children a little bit of the OG story, and they asked the audience if they knew what color the Fairy's hair was - a few said blonde, and I, being on stage next to her, distinctly heard her mutter "dammit, Disney". I've been living with that mantra since then.

Nobody asked you to make that puppet sentient, ma'am. He doesn't owe you shit. Aside from that, just like Jiminy Cricket, she ruined her character in a good two thirds of future adaptation. And while we're speaking of Jiminy, WHY did she think it would be a good idea to entrust a little boy to a slime ball such as him? He's too horny to have an ounce of sense. Conscience, my ass.

Basically...begone, asshole.

3) Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night

This film is so horrible, the Fairy had no chance to be decent at all. A cheap copy of the Disney one, with the addendum that she turns MULTIPLE toys into living beings while holding them responsible for whatever they do after. Basically Victor Frankenstein, but make it a poorly dressed woman from a direct-to-TV movie that shouldn't have existed at all.

-100/10, at least you're pretty, but by God, SHUT UP.

4) Once Upon a Time

Honest to God if she doesn't keep her filthy hands off my faves she's gonna get a slap across the face so strong her Wish Realm self ought to feel it sting. I am not exaggerating.

Seven seasons in, she hasn't done ANYTHING useful that I can remember. She's not even good at her own fucking job! Not only that, she's traumatized and guilt-tripped a good chunk of the population of Storybrooke, including first and foremost my beloved son August. The Pavlovian reaction I had every time she appeared on screen can't be described in coherent words, only in eagle screeches.

She's wrong. On principle, she's wrong. Let's move on.

5) Luigi Comencini's Le Avventure di Pinocchio

Doesn't rank higher only because she's played by Gina Lollobrigida (my beloved). She's book accurate, which means she'd be annoying as fuck as it is, but what little they added only makes her worse.

She has the gall to tell Pinocchio she'd like to see him happier. Like, apart from the fact that the ghost of his father's deceased wife isn't exactly the most reassuring person to hear it from...Said father has been swallowed by a giant fish. You told that boy he's only going to see his father if he studies hard. You keep turning him into a puppet anytime he misbehaves. What did you expect, that he would do the Macarena every time he entered your house? I am honestly too shocked to say any more. What the fuck.

.

.

.

Okay, I've been enraged enough for a single night. Let's move onto brighter shores!

1) Enzo D'Alò's Pinocchio

Enzo D'Alò knows what the fuck is UP!!! The only one with the courage to let the Fairy be a weird little girl - not only for a short time, but up until the end of the movie! That takes guts! Balls of steel!

I've said before that this movie has nothing memorable to it, and it's true, but also...Pinocchio wanted a sister so bad, and the movie gave him one. And they even explained the plot hole of the medallion with Pinocchio's face in it! That's twice as good as the fact that they cut out the most awful parts of her story, which is already delightful.

Thank you, Mr D'Alò. You have my trust until the end of days.

2) The Adventures of Buratino

Speaking of weird girls, this one is officially balls to the walls enough to gain my respect. She's bothersome to Pinocchio, but she's bothersome to everyone and everything, so I'll let it pass. Her role is exclusively to appear out of nowhere and do batshit insane stuff for no good reason at all. A star.

Plus, other than having an handwashing obsession that I've felt very keenly in the past year and a half, she also has a boyfriend - her and Pierrot are the original girlboss and malewife, I'm not accepting any criticism on the matter.

(Fun fact: when I was a young kid I once dreamt that the Piccolino No Bouken Fairy was dating a big, buff and blonde farmhand. He wooed her by gifting Pinocchio a dog. Apparently I've always been very interested in Fairies getting a love life and staying the fuck away from my specialest little boy.)

3) Pinocchio miniseries

"Serena, but you said you were disappointed in this adaptation so many times!" True. But consider: I am also very, very queer, and Violante Placido being motherly and wearing wispy dresses stirred SOMETHING in 11yo me that I can't very well ignore.

In hindsight, she and the Cricket probably had something going on behind the scenes, which is a shame. Miss Fairy, I swear, you could do better than Luciana Littizzetto in an ill-fitting green suit. She's gonna break your heart and lose your puppet charge in a crowd of little idiots. Do me instead.

4) Pinocchio Vampire Slayer

This woman kills monsters - and she's damn good at it! Honestly, so badass, and such a good mother figure too, even in trying times. I don't want to spoil the comic much to those who haven't read it, but she and Cherry are the highlight of the first volume and I am very fond of them. A+.

5) Matteo Garrone's Pinocchio

This one's book accurate, too, but Garrone did something with her that almost burst in tears in a crowded theater. She's awful, and irritating, but she's...she's so human, too. I can't rage against a Fairy that's so impossibly human even during the smallest of scenes. It breaks me over and over again.

Look at her SMILING, for pity's sake, am I supposed to think there's some warmth in the dead lady? Fuck you, Matteo, what did you do to me? I am an honored Fairy hater. You're going to ruin my reputation if you keep this up.