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Our Time | JJK (Seven)
Summary:Â After an accident and being in a coma for three months, you finally wake. But the last nine years of your life have been completely erased. You rely on none other than your best friend, Jungkook, to help regain your memories and yourself. But what happens when the truth of your missing time starts unraveling and it isnât all itâs made out to be?
Pairing:Â Jungkook x Fem Reader (Detective!Jk x Graphic Designer!OC)Â side pairing: Seokjin x Reader
Genre:Â crime au, fluff, heavy angst, smut, romance, darker themes, amnesia au. Best friends to ???
Word Count:Â 12.4k
Warnings:Â seriously depressing (for now) swearing, mentions of alcoholism, allusions to cheating
a/n: Hiiiiiii, long time no see!! Sorry for the delay and thank you for waiting. This story is at a depressing point (lol) so forgive me! I hope you guys can enjoy this chapter too đ„ș Well, I hope you guys enjoy and  please let me know what you think! Send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat :]
Previous --- Next
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An eternity has passed since youâve last seen JungkookâŠa total of six weeks. Each day has gotten equally harder as it has gotten easier. You think itâs just your body slowly getting used to his absence but your mind is yearning. Yearning and hurting.
But there is something thatâs also painful like missing your ex-husbandâyour best friendâand itâs the videos of your life. A life you know nothing of.Â
If you thought pictures were hard, videos are much harder.
But you asked for this. You asked your parents and your friends to send you old pictures and videos of times you donât remember living.
Youâre seeing pictures of you and your friends in restaurants you donât know. Bars you donât know. Concerts for artists you donât know. Pictures of you in your bedroom, but itâs a bedroom you donât know.Â
You have haircuts and styles you donât know.
In the videos, you hear yourself laughing at inside jokes you donât know. Youâre using vocab and slang you donât know. You see yourself giggling and joking around with people you. donât. know. And you feel more like an outsider than ever. Not just to this world but to the girl you see on screen, you are an outsider to herworld.Â
Perhaps youâve gotten too use to separating your different selves. And perhaps that makes it harder to unite with them.
Past you is current you but current you thinks of current you as future you.Â
Itâs all a headache to think about.Â
You know theyâre all you but because youâve kept them separate, itâs somehow becoming the shackles that stops all the youâs from uniting.Â
And thatâs what needs to happen for all of your memories to return. You have to unite 24 year old you and 33 year old you. Itâs only your sanity on the line.
Now that youâve discovered a couple of things, the only way to go from here is to intentionally spark your memoriesâin any way. You have to. Because you know 33 year old you has started something...
You quickly tear your eyes from the video on screen to take a quick peak towards the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. Youâve visited the attic a few times because of all of the memories that are stored in there.
But those boxes are filled with more than just memories.
Your eyes go back to your phone in hand as your thumb hesitantly hovers over the screen. You know you should move on to another video but it almost feels like you donât have it in you. You donât have it in you to stop listening to the sound of your childâs laughter when you canât recognize it.
You donât have it in you to stop the possibility of triggering your brain to suddenly remember him.Â
You finally force your thumb to the screen and you quickly pause it. You take in a sharp breath before exiting the video to scroll through the five videos your mom sent you. You see Haru in all five. And you can see Jungkook in three of them. You chose one where you couldnât see Jungkook.Â
But this video of Haruâs giggles feels just as heartbreaking but more than anything, it feels frustrating. Because you donât know him.Â
And that feels like an unbearable heartache on its own.
Suddenly, your eyes bounce from the video thumbnails to the text your mom just sent you.
Mom 7:28am
Good morning! Weâre our way to the station and should arrive in Seoul around 2pm. Youâre still picking us up, right?
You slowly close your already drooping eyes, the moment way too brief before you open them again, glancing towards the living room windows where the obvious sunlight comes through. Another night you didnât sleep. Your eyes battling your brain. You might get a few hours if you try to sleep now, at the least.Â
~
âI just donât understand how you can drink those all day,â Your motherâs eyes go from the knife in her hand to the iced coffee in yours. âI know itâs got to be giving you heartburn.â She laughs a little while shaking her head, eyes going back down to the cutting board where she chops onions.
You blink at your mom before dropping your eyes to the coffee in your hand, âWait, is this why?âÂ
She chuckles again, âMust be from your dads side of the family.â She shrugs now, letting the onions slide off the board and into a pan.
You roll your eyes at your moms playful comment before sliding the coffee away from you as you sit at your kitchen island, âAnyway, dadâs kind of taking a while, no?â You glance around the kitchen as if he would suddenly appear here.Â
Your mom smiles to herself while her hands remain busy with cooking dinner, âYeah, heâs waiting for me to text him saying he can come back from the store.â
You canât help but snort since you know exactly what she means.
Back when you were a teenager and going through lifeâs woes that made the whole world feel like it was ending, you would have your meltdowns. Period cramps that made you moody, a friend talking behind your back, the boy you liked was seen kissing someone else. All the things your dad left your mom to handle. He would suddenly want to go to the store and she would somehow signal him when it was safe to returnâafter the two of you got to talk out whatever was bothering you.
You realize sheâs done it now.
âYou never used to take this long to tell me what was going on though.â Your mom says quietly, eyes trained on the stove.  âEspecially not about Jungkook.â She sighs as she reaches for the wooden spoon before stirring the ingredients.Â
You feel something sharp inside your chest, just at the mention of his name, like thereâs a sharp knife.
You turn your face to the side, something uncomfortable and electric tightens your jaw. As if itâs a burning signal that even the mere mention of Jungkook, makes you want to cry. But you wonât. âWell, mom.â You take a deep breath before looking towards her again with a sarcastic smile. âOur marriage wasnât exactly as perfect as you thought.â
You hope this is enough for her to realize that Haruâs disappearance wasnât the wedge that created such distance between you and your now, ex-husband.Â
You stare at the back of your momâs head as she stands at the stove, still cooking. You wonder if sheâs in utter shock at the revelation that perhaps Jungkook isnât perfect. And your marriage definitely wasnât. You wait and wait. But you see how she starts adding in a few other things.
âI saidââ
ââWhat marriage is perfect?â Your mom finally turns around, cutting you off with a raised brow. âI never thought that. Iâll never think that. About anyone.â She scoffs before turning towards the stove again. âI told you that you didnât usually take this long to talk about Jungkook with me.â
You donât say anything.
Your mom turns her head towards you for a moment, you see the corner of her lip barely start to lift, like a knowing smile wants to form but her frown decides not to budge, âYou were married to him for yearsâŠyou donât think youâve come to complain to me?â
You understand her almost smirk now. She faces forward towards the stove again.
âMaybe around six months before HaruâsâŠincident. You came to Busan and I could tell something was up and you needed to talk.â Your mom rests a hand on her hip, while the other reaches for the stove knob as she turns it down. âBut just like nowâŠâ She turns her head to eye you again, her worries pulling her lips into a deeper frown. âYou took a while to tell me.â
You donât really react. Not as your brain processes this information.
Your mom continues, âSo I know your marriage wasnât perfect. Jungkookâs not perfect. Youâre not perfect.â She exhales through her nose in a half laugh. âIâm not perfect. Your fatherâs not either. But whatâs between usâŠit has to be protected.âÂ
âUnless that person betrays you.â You say in a low voice, eyes going to your fingers as you pick at your cuticles. âAnd you lose your trust in them.â
You hear your mom at the stove again as she turns it off and puts the lid on the pan. After a moment you see your mother in your peripherals as she comes to the other side of the counter and sits next to you.Â
âYou mentioned something similar back then.â She says quietly, her face looking ahead. âBut then I thoughtâŠwell, that you thought it wasnât what you thought.â
You quickly turn your head in your moms direction, eyes on hers. What all did you say to her? âWell, it was.â You say firmly.Â
Your momâs eyebrows pull together slowly, something similar to confliction rising in her eyes. âAnd how exactly did Jungkook betray you?â She asks after a moment.
And it feels pathetic, the feeling of all the muscles in your face betraying your collected appearance. So pathetic that the answer to this question makes your expression twist and break off the cracking mask that is now crumbling and falling from your face.Â
It takes less than an instant for your heartbreak to be written all over.Â
Your mom puts a hand to your back, letting you cry it out.Â
Just like you did when you were a moody teenager and the only one who understood your meltdowns was your mom. She lets you know that once again, that no matter how small or how bigâyou had every right to feel the way you wanted to.Â
You cry, a soft pat repeating on your back as you mumble how sad you are and how embarrassing this is.Â
This short cry feels more like relief in the right company rather than something that is rocking your world in the worst way.
Your mom chuckles a little, pulling away from you. âEmbarrassing?â
âYeah.â You nod with a shameless smile and damp cheeks. âI know you know the me thatâs been married to him for years but in my eyes weâve been on one date and he was our neighbor. So I feel like you should be teasing me about us but youâre here with more knowledge about my marriage than me.â You laugh as you cry more, âSo itâs a bit embarrassing.â
âHm,â Your mom chuckles again, âI guess I can understand that.â
You nod while your fingers wipe beneath your eyes repeatedly, theyâre only teary now.
Your mom brings her hand away from you, her fingers intertwining on top of the counter. You watch as she stares down at her hands in thought before she finally sighs and turns your way with a small smile. âTalk to me, y/n. Youâre convinced Jungkook betrayed you in some wayâways I can only assumeâbut tell me, do you really think heâs capable of what youâre thinking?â
You study your motherâs expression for a long moment, brows beginning to furrow when you realize she doesnât buy it. Tearing your eyes away from her, your lips twist in annoyance, âAre you saying I shouldnât believe in my own memories?â
You hear your mom sigh again, âYou remembered something unpleasant, y/n. Iâm not saying I donât believe youâŠbut even back then,â She pauses, hoping you will look at her but you donât. She finally continues, âThings just didnât add upâŠâ
Youâre quick to find her eye again, âWhat all did I tell you?â
At this, your mother scoffs lightly, her small smile still on her lips. âNothing that really made sense. Seemed like you justâŠcouldnât tell me things. But Iâm not dumb, you know? You drop plenty of hints when you get talking.â
âOh.â You blink at her, wishing you could even remember whatever hints sheâs referring to.Â
âBut the issue is that you stopped talking. You got quiet.â Your mother looks back at her hands again, her gaze hardening. âThen when Haruâs incident happenedâŠyou shut us all out. EveryoneâŠâ She whispers, lines between her brows forming, a hint of disappointment in her voice that doesnât go unnoticed by you. âEven Jungkook.â
You canât help but feel that same knife start slicing open the inside of your chest at the mention of his name again. âProbably because itâs his fauââ
ââHe lost Haru too, y/n.â Your mom cuts you off, her eyes that are filled with something close to anger land on you. âYou both did and whatâs worse is that you both lost one another in the process.â
âI donât remember the process but Iâm sure I had a hard time even looking him in the eye.â You spit out. âYou donât know what happââ
ââDo you?â She throws back at you. âBecause you have yet to give me a story that makes even a little sense.â
Your heart starts screaming like someone just squeezed it way too hard. You force yourself to look away because tears that no one invited start to form. You feel done with this conversation but before you can announce its over, your mom sighs again and her palm rests against your back and you donât have it in you to shove her off.
âIâm sorry.â She mutters softly, almost sounding regretful. âI am. You have no ideaâŠâ You feel her hand slowly retreat from your back, âHow sometimes I would just pray you wouldnât get your memories back. So you wouldnâtâŠâÂ
Your motherâs voice grows much softer, almost too quiet to hear.Â
âSeeing you heartbroken all over again hurts us, y/n. I thought it would be easierâŠfor you. But I guess itâs just easier for us.â She admits, a sharpness in her tone that indicates her regret. âThereâs no way you would live happier if parts of you felt missing.âÂ
You feel her words stick to your skin uncomfortably, like sweat from the hot sun rather than a run you worked for. Itâs unpleasant but also unwelcomed.Â
Unwelcomed because you donât want to accept a life where that could be the caseâforced to live a life even with parts of you missing.
An uncomfortable reality and possibility.
âMore thanâŠâ You begin, hands lifting to gesture towards nothing. âThis is more than just Jungkook.â
Your mom chuckles to herself. âOf course I know that.â
âIâm starting to wonder what would feel worse,â You glance towards your empty hands before your fingers clutch nothing softly. âRemembering my child. Or not remembering my child.â Then your lips curl into a half smile that feels so empty as you silently cringe toward yourself, âIt doesnât even feel right saying âmyââŠâ you immediately halt, teeth suddenly piercing into your bottom lip. You donât even feel right calling Haru âyourâ child. Because you donât feel like his mother.
You try to keep the half smile plastered on your face but the sharp shock of tears that fill your eyes betray your wants. You quickly blink them away.
âI want to hate Jungkook so bad for so many reasons,â You admit before clearing your throat, âBut I mostly hate him because at least he would recognize our sons laugh while I donât. I hate him because I blame him but at least he knows the kid that I hate him for.âÂ
Also an uncomfortable reality.Â
âWell,â Your mothers tone lets you know sheâs about to change the subject. âYou had a doctorâs appointment recently, right? How did it go?â
You shake your head, âHe said the progress can be really slowâŠand that itâs normal for the brain to block out certain traumatic events. So muchâŠâ You pause.
âSo much what?â
You sigh, âSo much doesnât make sense. It has me feeling so restless.â
âIâm sorry.â Your mom releases a shaky breathy before you hear her voice crack. âIâm so sorry.â
âYou know whatâs the worst part?â You decide to keep the venting session going. âI just feel ashamed. Iâm a parent but I donât even know about it. I feel so lost. I donât think if I was given a child I couldââ
âThis doesnât make you less of a mother, y/n.â Your mom snaps her eyes in your direction, a fierceness in them. âYou are still a parent. A damn good one at that.â
You study your motherâs expression with a fondness, because you see her sincerity. This makes your eyes sting again. âThanks, mom.â
~
After a nice weekend with your parentâs, you decide youâve been resting enough. You want to start working again, having too much time on your hands seems like a problem nowadays. You find yourself back at that new cafĂ©.
âIâll take a honey lavender latte.â You tell the girl at the counter, her eyes immediately widening before she nods her head in approval.
âGreat choice. A personal fav.â She grins before continuing, âAnd I make it the best.âÂ
A new voice joins in from behind, startling you. âMake that two.â A man says. You quickly turn around, eyes rising towards the same man you spilled coffee on. âOh, itâs you.â
He brings a hand to his heart, âIâm a you? That means you remember me!â He smiles at you, shaking his dark hair from his eyes.Â
You bite your lip, guilt sinking in from the last time. âWell, I thought you were gonna press charges for burning you last time. So, I guess I would remember.â
He looks taken aback, his eyes going round. âPress charges?â Then he laughs, âNo, no. I wouldnât do that, who wants to deal with cops, anyway?âÂ
âJust the two lattes?â The girl at the counter speaks up in a sing song voice and you immediately spin in your spot to apologize to her but the man beats you to it while he pulls out his wallet.
âShould we get a cookie too?â He asks you, his head tilting a little and you start shaking your head. âYou sure?â He smiles.
Youâre the one taken aback. This guy is too kind. You wonder if heâs like this with everyone.
âSeokjin, you are going to buy us out again.â The girl sighs as she smiles before glancing at you. âHe ordered us all out just yesterday.â
âIt was for the elderly! You know they get a little cranky if they donât get something a little sweet to eat! Hasnât it brought more customers? You could say thank you.â He gets playfully defensive, pout on his lips and the girl gives a shrug while nodding. âWell, it does make my boss happy. And if heâs happy,â She leans over the counter and whispers. âItâs a better day for everyone.â Then she giggles.
âSee!â Seokjin crosses his arms like heâs still offended. âIâm just trying to help you all have a better day!â
You guess he is this nice to everyone.
And before you know it, heâs taking out his card and paying for the drinks. You realize it but itâs too late.
âYou didnât have to pay for thatâŠâ You mumble, hand paused on your own wallet. âBut thank you.â
âHopefully youâll have an even better day too.â He smiles at you and it feels warm.Â
You take a moment to get a good look at him and you realize just how handsome he is. You remember his chest and broad shoulders from last time but now you see just how full and plump his lips are but you also like his brown eyes.Â
He smiles at you again.
Youâre staring.
âSee you around, I guess.â Seokjin puts his wallet back into his back pocket before walking off towards a table near a window.Â
You know his name but he doesnât know yours and that feels a little bit like a shame.
But thereâs no time for harmless nice guys giving you warm smiles. Youâre here to work. Or actually here to retrain yourself on how to do your work.Â
Your job agreed to help you relearn everything so today, youâre going to sit at a table and get trained. And the girl you knew from college that works at your job will be in contact with you if you have any questions. Mijoo. Apparently you two were a bit acquainted before you started working from home.Â
When you find a table near the bookshelves, you get to work. Thereâs updates on old programs you were familiar with but thereâs new ones too. Plus, the market is a bit different. Itâs a lot to learn but you think youâll get the hang of it quickly. Just like you did back in the day when you were just starting out.
Two hours or more has passed and youâre buried in your work. But you see a man in your peripherals and a cookie wrapped in parchment paper suddenly on the table right next to your laptop.
You look up and Seokjin gives you that same warm smile before it turns sheepish. âI ended up ordering two for myself a little while ago but Iâm too full. You can have it. WellâŠwell, only if you want it, of course.â
You blink up at him before you look at the cookie.Â
âItâs okay, if you donât!â
Your eyes go to him again and you shake your head before you give him your own smile. âNo, no!â You tell him quickly, âI-Iâll take it. Thank you.â
âOh.â His lips form the perfect âoâ and he gives you a nod. âNice. See ya.â And heâs smiling again before walking out of the cafĂ©.
His entire aura is warm and you realize you appreciate people like him even more now. With how cold life has been.
~
After a long day of sitting at the cafĂ©, youâre now sitting on the floor of your dusty attic. Itâs gotten easy to figure out which boxes were stored here by your own hands and which boxes are the ones that Jungkook packed up to avoid you seeing your life. Itâs mostly obvious because Jungkookâs packing is much more organized than yours.Â
You wonder if this box of framed photos in front of you is so neat because he looked at each one slowly, taking his time as he looked at the memories he knew you wouldnât remember.Â
You wonder if he took his time because he misses Haru.
And because he missed you.
You manage to conceal a bitter scoff as you lift your foot and push it flat against the box, forcing it back a few inches. Your concern isnât Jungkook right now. Stop thinking about him. Stop looking at your photos with him. Stop looking at the life you lived with him.
Right now those are your priority.
A strained sigh leaves your mouth as you eye the boxes youâve dragged to the other side of the attic. Youâve been trying to organize everything in here so you know whatâs what. Eyes slide to the left where all your household memories are. Then they slowly drag across the attic, passing by an old, dusty desk to the right side where your personal mystery boxes are.
Itâs taken a few days to really separate everything. Because this attic has more than just some boxes of memories and boxes of mysteries. It also has a few too many creepy crawlers hanging in the corners. And things youâre sure 33 year old you wanted to sell and get rid of.Â
Buzz.
Your eyes suddenly shoot down to your phone when it lights up and vibrates the attic floor, already seeing that itâs another message from Misuk in the group chat with her and Subin.Â
Last you checked they were gushing over a new song from an artist they like who you barely even know so you donât rush to really look. Your eyes stay on the screen until the light dims and it goes black.
Youâd be lying if you said you wish you didnât have help. Someone to guide you to some answers.
Another strained sigh before a half assed chuckle barely rumbles in your chest.
Well, âsomeoneâ could guide you to some answers. And that someone is 33 year old you but unfortunately you donât understand majority of what youâve found. As if only parts of the puzzle are in these boxes, just edges and corner pieces and youâre missing all the pieces that fill everything in.Â
Your eyes still linger on the black screen as they begin to lose focus as your mind whirls into your endless list of questions again. The boxes of mysteries are only three boxes. One of them having nothing to do with your son, you think. But the other two have caused some concern.
Something tells you that 33 year old you is really not convinced that your son is dead.
Itâs clear you were investigating on your own. But your notes barely make sense. And it is more than fucking frustrating.Â
Youâre about to close your eyes and groan but your phone suddenly lights up again as you feel a slight vibration next to your foot. Itâs another text but it doesnât look like its apart of the group chat.
You squint at the screen but itâs too far to really read anything so you finally give in and reach for the device and bring it closer to your face. And then you feel the sudden thump in your lower belly where your heart just landed.
Jungkook 9:19pm
How are you doing?
A razor sharp sting tightens every muscle in your body, the sudden tension making your breaths stop.
More than a month and a half since youâve last seen and spoken to him and heâs finally said something to you.Â
Finally because as much as you hate him, his existence makes you breathe. And you have to breathe to live.Â
Buzz.
Your hand vibrates along with your phone and you suddenly clench your fingers around it.Â
Jungkook 9:19pm
I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.Â
Your heart suddenly leaps up into your throat, choking you a bit as you try to breathe. Is that a confession? It already bothers you that he barely tried to explain himself and now heâs been silent all this time. And now heâs apologizing? Heâs guilty, isnâtâ
Buzz.
Jungkook 9:20pm
I just wish you would talk to me y/nâŠ
That concealed scoff from earlier has finally broken free, pushing past your lips in something like disgust. Talk to him? Talk to him? You feel an uncomfortable anger start poking your skin from the inside and you squeeze your phone harder in you hand. The fucking audacity.Â
Thereâs a brief moment when you consider chucking your phone across the attic but fortunately you only slam it to the floor. Frustration still hot on your skin, you quickly reach for a worn out decorative pillow and hurl it in front of you with a lot of strength, knocking against the old desk as it wobbles for a moment.
You release a short puff of air, head lowering and eyes closing as you try to calm yourself. Youâll admit, it did feel kind of good to release some enâ
Thump.
Your eyes snap open as you tilt your head up towards the desk where the sudden sound just came. Did something fall inside? But what? You had checked the desk before. The top drawer only had a few pens and some sticky notes while the bottom drawer was empty minus some loose sheets of printer paper. And the left side of the desk is just two empty book shelves. It is basically empty.
It was probably nothing.Â
Youâre about to move on, mind already wanting to go back to Jungkook when the sudden thump just canât make sense. Something with some weight definitely fell in or on the desk, right? But youâre sure thereâs nothing from when you checked the other week.Â
Doesnât hurt to look again, you decide. Maybe this is your intuition talking to you.
You finally lift yourself from the attic floor, giving one last look at the boxes that are filled with your life with Jungkook and Haru before heading towards the middle where the desk is. Itâs got an impressive layer of dust that you havenât found any real reason to clean since the desk isnât something youâd visit often.Â
Giving in, you reach for the top drawer and open it, just like you had the other week, but just like last time, the drawer only has three pens, some used sticky notes with doodles and numbers lying around and one black marker.Â
You knew there was nothing. Shutting the drawer, you quickly open the bottom drawer. Itâs a deeper space, like you could fit a small filing cabinet. But instead, thereâs only a few loose sheets of blank printer paper.Â
Not convinced, you shove your hand inside the drawer, feeling around for anything strange and even trying to reach behind but youâre met with nothing. Okay. You step away from the desk for a moment, eyeing it suspiciously because youâre certain something with more weight than any of those things fell. And fell here.Â
Thereâs nothing else here besides this raggedy pillow. You glance down at it, the pathetic thing on the floor before you groan, kicking it away from you.Â
So what? You just imagine all kinds of things now? Is that the new normal?Â
Suddenly not minding the thick layer of dust, you lean forward in defeat, hands gripping the edge of the desk as you support some of your weight onto it but the desk wobbles forward on its probably broken, unsteady legs. And you know you donât imagine it when something with some weight definitely shifts inside.Â
âUh, what was thatâŠ?â You mumble to yourself, eyebrows coming together slowly as you take another look at the desk. Your eyes immediately fall to the left side where the two empty shelves are. It definitely came from this side.
You quickly squat down, eyes trained on the shelves, inspecting every single inch of the empty and terribly dusty space. âDonât tell meâŠâ You whisper, expression highly focused as you look at the back panel of the shelves. The shelving space is not nearly as deep as of the width of the desk.Â
You blink at it, breaths now falling from your lips faster as your fingers quickly go to touch the backing panel and when it wiggles freely with enough pressure, you know youâve found something. Feeling impatient, you jostle the thin wood around until you can figure out how to remove it.
And when it starts poking through the side of the shelf, your heart starts racing while you quickly slide the panel through the wooden desk. You feel it. Maybe itâs instinct because somewhere in your brain you know this is familiar and means something. The panel drops to the floor once its slid out but before it even touches, your hands are already digging inside.
âOkay, okay, okay.â You repeat with shaky breaths. Fingers already grasping whatâs here and you feel yourself growing more and more anxious. A shoe box. An open shoe box thatâs close to overflowing. You pull it out while you sit down onto the floor, the box settling right in front of you.
âOkay,â You sigh, reaching for the first item on top. Itâs a small note book, the kind youâd use to make a check list of sorts. You take a deep breath before flipping it open and a few loose contents fall out. And then you feel the breath of a ghost at the base of your neck.
You pick up a folded sheet of paper along with a bent photo of Nabi. You feel the cold breath travel down your spine as you unfold the paper and read whatâs written in someone elseâs handwriting.Â
Yun Nabi
118, Seolleungro-150, Yongsan-gu, SeoulÂ
 010-6203-3087
 010 3476 9876à weekends
010 9874 3456 new ##
You stare down at the worn paper, confusion clouding your mind. You want to rip her photo to shreds.
You quickly glance to the bent photo in your other hand and before you tell your hand what to do, itâs already crumbling it. Your dark gaze set on the now wrinkled woman who managed to gain Jungkookâs attention.Â
Maybe itâs not her fault if sheâs great.
Maybe itâs your fault.Â
Your eyes stay trained on the crumbled photo but theyâve lost focus once again. Soon the balled up picture and the folded note fall to your lap as Numbness hugs you over your shoulders and as Insecurity sits next to you and whispers into your ear.Â
Why did Jungkook cheat on you?Â
You manage to blink but your throat feels dry.
Why did he do that to you? Why would anyone�
You want to laugh at yourself. Because you know if this happened to anyone else you would know it wasnât their fault. The person who cheatedâŠitâs about them and no one else. And you want to tell yourself this, remind yourself, confirm that this isnât your fault.Â
But why do you sit here, letting Numbness hug you tighter? And why do you sit here and wonder?
You wonderâŠyou wonder where you went wrong that you were no longer enough for him.
And it doesnât feel fair that youâre wondering that.
You take the photograph and crumple it even more before throwing it to the side and decide to open the notebook. And you see more puzzle pieces.Â
Routine
7 he wakes upâŠ.sometimes 8Â
Jungkook takes him to work sometimes for funÂ
Someone at work?? Who? Another list
Daycare usually Mondays & Thursdays for sure
Busiest days at work
You flip the page
Thursday the 14th, at the bus station,Â
The 18th when I was going home
There was a car parked outside on the street for 3 days
The 5th
The 8th
The 12th I ran into someone who knew me but I didnât know them
A man with buzzed hair
Something hot bubbles inside your chest and it feels like itâs burning you. Anxiety has a touch of fire. You flip to the next page.
It just scribbles like you were frustrated.
Just like you are now.Â
You decide to close to the notebook. Discomfort swallowing you like a dry pill.Â
But you donât stop looking through the box. Pictures of people you donât know. More lists of times and dates. But no context. More frustration building.Â
Your head snaps up suddenly when you recall something falling so you quickly reach inside the secretive hole in the desk and feel around. Your fingers grasp at nothing until something cold is felt. You can tell what it is immediately as you wrap your fingers around the device. A phone.Â
You take the cold, shiny device in your clammy hands and rush to turn it on but itâs got a dead battery. You turn the phone upside down to check what kind of charger it takes and remember that downstairs in the kitchen thereâs a drawer of random charging cables.Â
You need to get this thing turned on. Now.Â
âAre you okay?â You immediately straighten your back, phone dropping to the attic floor,  the sudden voice a shock since you live alone. You quickly look around you, eyes darting from place to place but of course, thereâs no one here. You feel sick. Especially becauseâŠdidnât that voice sound likeâ
âAre you okay?â Jungkook comes next to you, his eyes avoiding yours but he canât hide the concern in his voice. You look at him, equally annoyed as he is. But still, you hear in his voice he doesnât totally hate you.Â
âItâs fine.â You mumble, fingers picking at the bandage wrapped around your palm. âIt just got scraped.â
Jungkook chuckles humorlessly, âMisuk said Subin threw up in her mouth because of the blood.â
You shrug, âOkay, it was pretty bad.â
Jungkook stays silent and the same tension thatâs been building since Sanaâs wedding is here again. You, Jungkook, Misuk and Subin came to Busan for the weekend to celebrate your momâs birthday but today, the day of the party, has been anything but fun. One thing after the other, but the cherry on top was around 20 minutes ago when you accidentally sliced your palm open while helping in the kitchen.
Now youâre outside trying to cool off but the last person you want to see has come to check on you.
âDoes it hurt?â Jungkook stares up at the tree you two are standing in front of outside your house. He doesnât bother to try and soften his tone. Sure, itâs concerned but itâs also irritated.
âI told you itâs fine.â You answer, sounding clipped. âJust go back inside.â
âYouâre mad at me if Iâm inside. Youâre mad at me if Iâm outside.â He stuffs his hands in his front jean pockets and continues gazing at the tall tree. âI really donât understand why youâre so upââ
ââOh? You donât?â You turn your head to glare at him, âReally?â
You watch Jungkookâs profile, his jaw tightening for a moment before he sighs out.
âI donât know.â He tells you before turning to face you as well. Your eyes are narrowed but he sees plenty of disappointment in them. âMaybe I do. But I also seriously donât.â
You look down to the ground, a moment of consideration because you kind of understand him. But then you recall last night and realize that no, he definitely should understand why youâre mad.
Things have changed between you two. Ever since Sanaâs wedding, thereâs been something different and enticing. Moments that feel way too charged to be platonic. But neither of you have spoken up about it. Maybe heâs afraid you donât feel it. Or maybe youâre now just realizing youâre afraid he is the one who doesnât feel it.
Because how doesnât he understand that having his last serious girlfriend from Busan in your parents living room while they flirt with one another relentlessly in front of you, is not going to make you mad?
âYou donât think flirting with your ex-girlfriend in front of me wasnât going to make me mad, Jungkook?â You throw the words at him without much care for his reaction. Itâs an honest question, in your book.
âOkay,â Jungkook tilts his head back before running his hands through his hair, âSo this is about Hanja.â He groans a little before giving in and taking a step closer to you. âI didnât think it was a big dealâŠand you call her my ex girl-friend as if she doesnât have a name. Hanja told me she had a lot of classes with you in High School!â
âAnd?â You deadpan. âDoesnât make us friends.â
âOkay.â He nods but now heâs the one with disappointment in his eyes. âBut that doesnât mean you had to be rude.â
âYou invited her to my momâs birthday party!â You throw back, âAnd have barely evenâŠâ It sucks that your voice gets a little softer because you just want to make a point. âYouâve barely even  looked at me since sheâs been here.âÂ
Jungkookâs lips part and he looks conflicted as he registers your words but you donât wait for him to get it before you continue.
âSure,â You manage a stubborn shrug, âMaybe youâre not flirting with her but you donât stop her when she does with you.âÂ
Jungkookâs brows furrow, âShe hasnât flirted with me, y/n.â He tries to assure you, his tone finally not irritated but instead the same soft as yours. âWe just have history, you know? But that was what? 5 years ago? 6? 7? I donât even know. We ended on good terms so I thought it was harmless. Sheâs in town too and had nothing to doâŠI didnât think it was a big deal.âÂ
âI justâŠâ You finally meet his eye for the first time more willingly, âI donât know.âÂ
He finally relaxes his features and a pleasantly pleased smile starts tugging at the corner of his lips, âYouâreâŠjealous.â He confirms softly.
You raise a brow at him, feeling annoyed. âSo then you do understand why Iâm mad.âÂ
âYeah.â He agrees but you see the uncertainty in his eyes. âBut I wasnât sure. Maybe hoping but I couldnât be sure, you know?âÂ
âDid you want me to be jealous?â You ask, unsure how that makes you feel but you see genuine and quiet panic all over his face while he shakes his head.
âNo, no.â He tells you with big eyes. âBut when I realized you were mad at me, I thought it could be because you were jealous. And,â He pauses, swallowing what you think is nerves. âThatâs why I became hopeful, I guess.âÂ
âAnd why is that?â A cool breeze suddenly picks up and it feels nice against your cheeks.
âBecause it might meanâŠâ His words grow quieter, seeking your understanding of where he was going. âBut without being directâŠwell, I canât really be sure, you know?â
âThen why canât we be direct?â You gesture between your bodies, âI like you, Jungkook.â It doesnât take a lot of effort to say it, to admit it, but it does take a lot of effort to not tear your eyes away from him in embarrassment. But your gaze remains on his.Â
âAnd thereâs no way Iâm imaginingââ
ââYou arenât!â Jungkook panics, his fingers flying to your wrists, holding on to them as he persuades your eyes to remain on his again. âYou arenât imagining it. I know it, too.â He tells you but he looks and sounds conflicted.
âFor months, Jungkook.â You say quietly, âIâve been wondering for months if youâre going to make a real move on me.âÂ
He canât help but smile at you nervously, his clammy fingers still pressing into your wrists. âI justâŠâ Jungkookâs smile begins dropping as he explains himself, ââŠIâm so afraid of talking about this because it might change our friendship and youâre just,â He pauses, eyes searching yours because he needs to see if you understand. âYouâre too important, y/n.âÂ
âYouâd rather never tell me how you feel because it might change our friendship?â You ask him, ignoring the fire burning along the edges of your skin. âYou would rather spend forever just wondering if I feel the same as you? Just like Iâve been wondering if you feel the same as me? Too afraid to talk about it because itâŠmight change our friendship?â
Jungkookâs fingers finally disconnect from your skin and into his hair, his nerves only multiplying but he finds the courage to say, âIf you didnât feel the same, things would change.â
âIf I didnât feel the same then things wouldnât have changed in the first place. Jungkook, things have already changed. And I donât like wondering. Weâre already past platonic so Iâll tell youââ
Suddenly, your head starts pounding.
A new memory unlocked.Â
And it only makes you sit on your attic floor and cry.
Great timing.
~
Your fingers feel frozen, maybe even numb as you dig through another random kitchen drawer to find the correct charger for the phone youâve found. So far you havenât been lucky. Then again, nothing feels lucky. Youâve been quiet to yourself all day after last night. Not even a thought out loud.Â
Your eyes grow watery again but you immediately slam your lids shut, squeezing tightly because you refuse to shed anymore tears. You might have to buy a new charger but you really arenât in the mood to leave the house. You arenât in the mood for anything except maybe hurling more old, worn out, decorative pillows at dusty furniture. But now you feel afraid for what you might find. The more mysteries you unlock, youâre afraid to unlock a memory along with it.Â
It's evening now, the kitchen clock says 6:13pm. The day has gone by. You watched the sun rise this morning and now youâre witnessing it set. You have yet to find it in you to sleep today. Maybe youâre afraid youâll slip into your bed that you once shared with Jungkook and suddenly youâll remember all the times youâve slept in it with him. You canât afford any more of that. Just yesterday you were begging 33 year old you to share some of the life youâve missed and now that she is sharing some of the yearsâŠyouâre realizing you arenât ready.Â
You take a deep breath, shutting a drawer shut when you decide to order a new charging cable for the phone. Your eyes slide to the device that rests peacefully on the counter while your heart beats uncomfortably in your throat. You stare at it, wondering what contents lie inside but a part of you feels fearful of what you might find.Â
Taking another breath, you wrap your arms around yourself, hugging yourself for a moment before you decide to take care of this. Sitting yourself at the kitchen island, opening your laptop, you search the phone and get the cable ordered for delivery tomorrow. This is better than driving yourself nuts trying to find it.
You close your eyes, resting your head down to the counter, wishing you could turn your day around.
Ding Dong.
Your eyes snap open.Â
And something unsettling starts whirling in your belly. As if you can sense who is at your door.
Knock Knock Knock.
You groan quietly to yourself because you just know. You know exactly who it is for some insane reason. You just feel it. You stand from the stool and walk yourself to your front door. Swinging it open without even peeping through the hole to confirm your suspicions.Â
Jungkookâs doesnât look too good. For as handsome as he is, he looks rough. His skin is dry, his lips are pale and the bags under his eyes give away how much sleep he isnât getting. You donât care though. Not about him. Your fingers grip around the door frame tighter, your skin burning at the sight.Â
âI just wanted to see how you were.â He tells you, voice so quiet you had to read his lips. You want to scoff bitterly in his face, shut him out and make him feel thrown away.Â
But your foot pushes the front door further open as you turn around to go into the living room. Youâve invited him in. Though, âinvitedâ feels like a strong word.Â
You can hear the door creak open even furth from behind you, shoes are shuffling onto the floor and the door clicks shut. You hold your breath as you walk to the sofa, sitting yourself down at the very end of it as your eyes glue themselves to the black screen of the TV.Â
Jungkook follows your lead and sits at the other end of the couch. In your peripherals, he looks like a big, black scribble of a thousand swirling lines and you donât have it in you to focus your eyes on him and let him appear as Jungkook. As a person. So, you keep your eyes on the TV.
Nothing is said between you both for a long while, all your senses are heightened though as you anticipate his next words to you. The hairs on your arms rise when the click of the AC goes off as it turns on. You wonder if his next words have to do with apologizing about cheating on you. Apologize to you that you just couldnât be enough. Apologize to you for losing your son.Â
Your head slightly tilts in the direction of the kitchen when you notice the soft drip drops of water from the faucet. The distant bark from a small dog. Jungkookâs fingernails scratching his forearm. Every noise is going off in your ears, haunting you, taunting you and driving you insane.Â
You only want to hear his voice.Â
âWhy are you here?â You finally break the noisy silence.Â
âTo see you.â He says, voice quiet and afraid. âYouâre doing better than me, huh?â
Your palms are flat against the couch cushion before you slowly curl your fingers, grabbing nothing of the material at his words. âDo you really think you get to say that to me?â
âThis isnât fair for either of us, y/n.â Jungkook has the audacity to keep speaking. âYou just donât understand.â
You twist your head to eye him, your jaw tight as you watch him sit on the sofa, eyes cowering away from yours. âYouâll stop talking now.â You tell him as your voice becomes quiet and afraid as well. Youâre livid but you speak like youâre hurt.Â
âThenâŠâ Jungkook pauses, his eyes going all around the living room now before he sighs. âThen Iâll just listen.â
You push your head back in disbelief, âI didnât ask you to come here so I can talk to you. In fact, I didnât ask you to come here at all.â
He finally turns his head toward you, his eyes are red and watery and you hate that you hate seeing him on the verge of tears. You watch his throat as you pay attention to the hard way he swallows. âI know. But I had to see you.âÂ
Suddenly, your head starts pounding, a harsh banging from inside your forehead. You quickly let your head fall into your hands when those words keep repeating inside your mind. I know. But I had to see you. I know. But I had to see you. I know. But I had to see you.Â
You groan into your hands. The pain erupting on all sides of your head. The words repeating over and over, making your ears feel like theyâre bleeding. I know. But I had to see you.
ây/n?â You hear Jungkookâs quiet and afraid voice.Â
I know. But I had to see you.Â
âI thought you didnât want to see meâŠâ Jungkookâs eyes are blood shot. You know heâs been drinking again.
âI know.â You mutter, âBut I had to see you.âÂ
âOh.â He stumbles backward, his hand widening his front door to his new, shitty apartment. You feel anger bubbling, because you know heâs drunk. Youâre doing everything in your power to keep it together and heâs wasting his time drinking.
âYouâve shut out Jimin.â You tell him, cutting to the chase. âSo you donât know anything, do you?â
âW-Whatâs there to know? I donât need them anymore. Also, I was fucking fired.â
You snap your eyes to his as he still stands at his open doorway. âYouâre pissing me off, Jungkook.â
âI can do this on myââ
ââTheyâre closing the case.â You say. âTheyâre saying heâsâŠthat heâsâŠâ You pause, throat growing drier. âYou know.â
âI donât know.â Jungkook drunkenly shrugs, slamming the door shut, making you flinch. âTheyâre all wrong, anyway.â
You feel your shoulders growing tenser, your lips in a hard, thin line before they die into a frown. âTheyâre saying we should hold a funeral.â
Jungkookâs body goes still, his hanging arms at his sides suddenly rise to his face when he rubs his temples. âExcuse me?â
âThey want toââ
âJust stop!â He suddenly cries out, voice shrill. You see his eyes growing redder and redder as tears fill them up. âNone of you know what you-youâre talking about. Just shut up, all of you!âÂ
You flinch.
Jungkookâs fingers go into his hair when he starts pulling on the strands. âThis just isnât right.â He keeps muttering to himself, âI got this. I got this. I got this.â He starts pacing back and forth in front of his coffee table. âJust stop. Stop talking.â
You stand in silence.
âI said stop talking!âÂ
You watch him unravel.
âJungââ
Glass breaks across the coffee table. A shattered soju bottle that heâs thrown.
You flinch again.Â
You take a step back.
Jungkook falls to the floor, crying and yelling at no one. The loss of your son is much worse than you could have imagined. But you knew telling Jungkook about the funeral was going to cause something more serious to unravel. But you didnât imagine this.
ây/n?â Jungkook voice sounds sober now. ây/n?â
Your head is about to split into sections, the pain so overwhelming.
You lift your face from your hands, your cheeks overflowing with tears. Why did you have to remember that?Â
âHey,â Jungkook stands from the sofa and comes closer to you. His hand hesitantly landing on your shoulder but just like in your memory, you flinch. He immediately frowns. ây/nâŠâ He brings his hand back to his body. âTalk to me, Iâll just listen.â
âG-go.â You keep your head low as your eyes stay glued to your lap. âPlease just go.âÂ
His hands freeze at his sides, using all of his self-control. Even you can feel how tense his body is, just from the heat that radiates off of it. Youâre being serious. He needs to go before you spiral into one of your throbbing headaches that give you a panic attack. The kind you can manage on your ownâand prefer to.Â
âPlease, JungkookâŠâ You squeeze your eyes shut. âIâm not feeling well now so plââ
ââOkay.â His fingers curl into hard fists. âCall me if you need anything. Please.â He stands here for another moment, like his feet have become glued to the floor and heâs unable to move. But after a tentative sigh, they finally move. And your ears bleed again at each sound that can be heard. The click of the AC turning off, the small dog whining in your neighborâs yard, each drip of water dropping from the faucet and finally the whoosh of the front door opening and closing shut. And you finally let go a long, long breath.Â
Your head hurts and your heart hurts, the memory fresh in your mind. You never imagined to see JungkookâŠlike that. You barely recognized him. Does he have a drinking problem? Or did? You need to erase these images in your head, or at least scatter something pretty over them. And thatâs when you get an idea that you know is pure torture.
~
One of the boxes from the attic is sat on your living floor, with your bottom plopped right next to it. Itâs a box you organized yourself, you can tell. Just a box of intimate memories with your ex-husband. You pull out a letter youâve read at least six times nowâŠmight as well make it seven.
The envelope is pink with little hearts drawn all over it and though itâs only eight years old, it looks like itâs at least 20. The envelope itself is wrinkly with random water stains and the page inside is soft and used like youâve read this letter a thousand times. Might as well make it a thousand and one.Â
You slip the paper out of the envelope, unfolding it carefully, the crinkling paper opening up with Jungkookâs handwriting written all over.
April 10 2015
Dear y/n,
Hi itâs me, your boooooyfriend. >.< sorry Iâm still getting used to it. Youâre probably wondering why Iâm writing a letter when I could just call or text you but you seemed to think it was cute in that movie we watched the other day and so Im writing you one too!! Also, I think my peers are thinking Im working really hard on a case. I wish I was but they wonât give me anything good. I know it hasnât even been a year since I finally landed here in the Investigation sector as a detective but they still treat me like such a rookieâŠblaaaahhhhh you know this already. The captain seems to think I have potential though. But ya know what? The guys here said the only thing ive done right so far is getting you as a girlfriend hahahaÂ
Maybe theyâre right I mean theyâre definitely rightÂ
I miss you so much
Im sitting here at my desk writing you and its just making me miss you a kabillzillion times moreâŠâŠ.i seriously aaaaahhhh im going crazy because I miss you that muchÂ
Im so lucky youre so amazing and my favorite person to exist and so pretty so prettyÂ
I know weâve only been together for a short while but what if I told you I know exactly how I feel about yoooouuuuu huh what ifÂ
Ask me about it when I see you tonight
Love,
Jungkook Your cheeriosÂ
You read it. Then you read it again. This is the Jungkook you want to remember.
~~
Itâs the next day and youâre opening the package you ordered just yesterday. Pulling out a small box, you get it open and unravel the charging cable to the phone youâve found. Taking a look at the clock, you realize youâre a bit behind. You wanted to get to the cafĂ© at noon for work but itâs already 15 after. You quickly plug the charger into the wall and get the phone charging. Itâs dead so itâll take a while to get turned on so you decide to leave it here while you head out.Â
The cafĂ© is a bit busy today, more people than youâre used to, but thankfully you see an open table. You set up your laptop and get to work. Taking a pause to message Mijoo about needing some guidance if she can meet any of these days. It would be nice to have some help in person. After working for a bit, you canât help but lift your face from the screen and dart your eyes around the place. No sign of Seokjin today. Not that it means anything but heâs got the kind of warm, reassuring smile that you could use these days.Â
And just like clockwork, the quiet bell dings when he walks through the cafĂ©âs front door. He meets your eye immediately and gives you a small nod and the smile you were searching for. You nod back, eyes going back down to the laptop before you take another peak towards Seokjin. Heâs walked up to the counter, talking with the young girl thatâs always here. After a moment she hands him a box of what you assume are desserts. Maybe heâs giving them to the elderly again.
Then he walks out.
Oh, he isnât staying today.
Thatâs okay, you donât have time to chat with a harmless nice guy anyway. You have work to do. Something to truly get your mind off of everything else youâve been going through. You think itâs a miracle you have it in you to try every day. In another universe, you might have already gone insane.Â
~
After working a little while longer, you pack your things up and head to your car. Itâs a sunny day, barely any clouds in the sky and it feels warm. Warm enough to make you forget this coldness that lingers all around you, all inside you.Â
You start driving home when you remember youâre supposed to pick up a few groceries so you stop by the market first. Itâs not too crowded and since youâre in an okay mood, you decide to put in your earphones and walk inside with a pep to your step. You needed zucchiniâŠwhat else? Bread for sure was on your list. Peanut butter, eggs, oh yeah and some chips for when you get a craving.Â
You start heading to the aisle with peanut butter when you recognize someone familiar.Â
âSeokjin?â You mumble his name but he doesnât hear you. His eyes fully focused on his jams. He stands here, deep in thought before he finally reaches for one.
âHi.â You say a little louder and he jumps in his spot.
He turns to face you, ears turning red when he sees you. âHi.â He stares at you dumbfounded for a moment, âI just realized I donât know your name.â Then he chuckles.
You canât help but crack a smile, âItâs y/n.â
âAh, y/n. Yeah, that suits you.â He tells you confidently.
âDoes it?â
âDo you usually shop here?â Seokjin gestures around the aisle, âIâve never seen you before. Or are youâŠâ He suddenly drops his smile and looks serious. âFollowing me?â Then he breaks into a huge smile before adding, âDun, dun, duuuun.âÂ
You feel your stomach swirl with something before you shake your head, feeling embarrassed. âNo, no! I live around here actually. This is just a coincidence.â
âA coincidence, huh? A lot of those lately.â He gives you another smile, this time more teasing. âWe should just meet on purpose, you know.âÂ
You stand here, taken aback by his words. Is he implying meeting intentionally?
He seems to feel your shift. âUnless, unlessâŠâ His eyes avert yours now, his ears turning a deeper shade of red. âSorry. Unless you donât want to. Maybe youâre already seeing someone.â
You shake your head quickly, âNo. IâmâŠIâm not.â Youâre not but it feels wrong to say it. âBut I wasnât assumingâŠanything. Like, if you were implying a date or something.â
Seokjin pouts his lips before glancing up at the ceiling, âWhy not? You would have been right.â
You blink at him, taken aback again. âOh.â
âI happen to know a pretty great restaurant. Maybe we can not coincidentally meet there?â
HeâsâŠasking you out.Â
And it pains you because⊠âI canât. Sorry,â You look down at your feet before glancing towards the jams. âUmm, Iâm kind of going through something andââ
ââOh.â Seokjin nods his head quickly. âNo, no. I understandâŠyou donât have to explain. Iâm kind of going through something too and I know that a good way to get through it is some nice company every now and then.â He gives you a warm smile, all the teasing gone. âI understand you though. So donât worry butâŠâ He suddenly pats his pants pockets before looking delighted. âIn case you change your mindâŠIâm learning toâŠhow do they kids sayâŠshoot my shot.â He suddenly pulls out a receipt and a pen and scribbles something on it before handing it to you.Â
His number.
âJust in case!â He cheeses harder.Â
~
âI honestly donât think itâs a big deal.â Misuk looks at you through the camera, her face looking brighter. âItâs just a date!â
âIt is a big deal.â You whine again, âIâm in love with someone else and I have a whole lot of mess going on.âÂ
Subin nods her head sympathetically, âThatâs true. But I think Misuk means itâs not a big deal because it could beâŠâ She pauses, clearly thinking of the right words. Itâs amusing to you to see they might agree on this. âA good thing? A simple thing! A little, you know, fun thing!âÂ
âExactly!â Misuk drags out the word, âYou donât have to fall in love but youâre so focused onâŠyou know, your memoriesâŠthat you arenât living life.â
âUh,â You begin to defend yourself, âIâmââ
ââYes, yes.â Misuk waves you off, âYou are getting back into work! And thatâs good! But you really should start living a normal life again.â
âAndâŠâ Subin looks off camera, her eyes looking softer. âItâs kind of the same. You are missing your memories, yes, and Iâm so sorryâŠbut 33 year old you was the same. Divorced. And I donât think you were in any headspace to even think about wanting Jungkook back.â She finishes quietly.
âYou wanted nothing to do with him.â Misuk tells you. âSo just live a littleâŠyou know, just normal things. And who knows, it might help with your memories.â
You sit still for a moment. Youâll admit that you havenât exactly been living normally. You mostly sit around all day, alone, surrounding yourself with things you donât understand and torture yourself with memories of Jungkook.Â
âAnyway, Iâll let you guys know if anything changes.â You chuckle after you focus your eyes on your friends again. âI just got home so I gotta put these groceries ...away" Your eye notices the list lying on the counter and you realize..."Damn, and I forgot the eggs. Anyway, Iâll call later!â You sing out.
âOkay! Bye!â
âBye!â Subin sings back. And you end the call.
Maybe theyâre right. Maybe you deserve a little break or something simple and fun. You bite your lip, thoughts still lingering but you decide to reach into your back pocket and pull out the receipt Seokjin gave you. You shake your head quickly but reach for your phone and input the number and press call. You need light in this darkness.
~~
You hate feeling defeated.Â
Sitting on your sofa, blanket wrapped tightly around you as your hand clenches around this cold, empty and useless device.Â
The phone has either never been used or was completely wiped. You thought you could torture yourself with more information but youâve come out of this empty handed. Thereâs nothing on here. No call history, no text history, no pictures or videosâŠnothing. You squeeze the phone harder, frustration still building. When your actual phone buzzes.Â
Your eyes shoot down to your now lit up phone and you drop the useless one to the couch cushion. It might be Subin gushing about this band sheâs seeing this weekend. Youâll ignoreâ
Buzz.
You give in, reaching for your phone and your stomach does its usual uneasy swirling.
Jungkook 9:10pm
How are you feeling?
Jungkook 9:10pm
We donât have to talk but at least tell me how youre doingâŠ
Your eyes slam shut, the urge to cry too strong. Because youâre hurt. Youâre hurting. Youâre confused. Youâre angry. And youâre sad.Â
Why are you so weak? You should delete him, block him and throw your whole phone away. Because your phone knows him and you donât.Â
But youâre weak because youâre going to text back.
Except Jungkook beats you to it.
Jungkook 9:13pm
Did you get hit with a headache earlier? You okay? Have you seen your doctor lately?
All these questions are giving you different kind of headache.Â
You 9:13pm
Its fine, Im fine
You lie
Jungkook 9:13pm
Liar
You 9:14pm
Jungkook
You 9:14pm
Do you have a drinking problem?
You press send. You see the bubbles pop up your screen, indicating that heâs typing but they disappear. Then they reappear. And disappear again.
You 9:16pm
Jungkook?
Jungkook 9:16pm
Who told you that?Â
You feel your shoulders tense.
You 9:16pm
No one told me
You 9:17pm
I just remember when I went to your placeâŠthere was a lot of alcohol lying around and the place seemed rough
You 9:17pm
And idk I got thinking. Im not trying to accuse you or anything butâŠis what I sawâŠwhat I think it is?
You send. Itâs not a total lie. Not what youâre referring toâŠbut not a total lie.Â
You stare at the screen but thereâs no indication if heâs read your message or not. No typing. Nothing. Your eyes glance at the clock and it reads 9:19pm now. Itâs okay. Only two minutes. But why does it feel like eternity?Â
9:25pm and all youâve done is sit, tightly wrapped in a blanket on your couch, and stare at your phone screen, touching the screen every time it times out. And still nothing.Â
But then you see bubbles pop up.
Back straightening, you breathe in and out as your eyes remain on the screen.Â
Heâs been typing for three minutes.
You hold your breath now.Â
Jungkook 9:28pm
And if it is?
You let out a short breath, disbelief crawling all over your skin that you throw the blanket off of you and stand from the couch. Your memories are reliable.Â
You feel a sting pierce your eyes but you grit your teeth and hold any tears back. This is just too much for you to accept. You walk into the kitchen, frustration raging inside your body. You step up to the sink, hands gripping the edge of the counter before leaning forward, sighing out your anger.Â
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Calming down, you immediately grab a bowl and sniffle to yourself. Youâll just do these dishes and forget all about this.Â
You take another bowl, the hot water burning your fingers and palms as you absentmindedly scrub it clean.Â
âSometimes I think you wash clean dishes at this point.â Jungkook wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest.Â
You laugh, âNot true.â
âThe water is too hot, baby.â He nuzzles his face into your neck, suddenly pecking it softly. âYouâre going to melt the skin off your bones.â
You realize heâs right, the water is really hot but you were just lost in thought. Your wedding is in two days. You get out of your thoughts while you set the bowl back into the sink and turn the faucet off. âIâm justââ
âI know.â Jungkook nuzzles his nose into your warm skin. âI canât believe youâre the one whoâs nervous between us.â
You sigh, small smile on your face. âIâm not nervous. But I am, a little.â
âI know.â
âNot in a bad way.â
âI know that too.â
âIn aâŠmarrying the love of my life, wow life is crazy kind of way.â You dry your hands before twisting in Jungkookâs embrace and you lean in to kiss him. âYou probably know what I mean.â
He laughs against your lips, âI would be the one who knows exactly what you mean.â
Your lips twist into a sheepish smile, âI missed you today.â
âI missed you more.â
You roll your eyes, a teasing smile forming now. âLiar.â
He looks surprised for a second before rolling his own eyes, âIâm serious.â
âYouâre only serious about work nowadays.â You tease him, and you are mostly teasing. Itâs only lately heâs been zeroed in on a case.Â
But Jungkook frowns, âIt isnât going well.â He admits to you. âI donât know that weâll get this one.â
âYou will.â You lean forward more and nudge your nose against his, âYou are the best there is.â
Jungkook chuckles, âUnfortunately Iâm still in the âproving myselfâ phase.âÂ
âHere too.â You continue to tease him, âStill deciding if this wedding is happââ
ââHeeeeey, donât joke like that.â Jungkook nudges his nose against yours now, âTell me Iâm the best here too.â
Your hands trail down his chest, eyes focusing on his. âYou are.âÂ
âI wish Jimin would tell me that too.â He laughs a little but you know heâs serious. You take his hands in yours.
âYou guys are new at being partners. Give it time, babe.â
âHe hates me.â Jungkook sighs, âHe thinks I mess everything up. And honestly, I canât blow this one, y/n. The captain believes in me, which is good but my own partner doubts me.âÂ
You understand this is hard for Jungkook to accept.Â
âListenâŠâ You give his hands a squeeze. âThis is your first big one, right? Take it slow and I know you wonât get flustered like the last one.â
He immediately drops his hands from yours, âI canât get like how I was with the last one.â Jungkook takes a step away from you, âThis one is way too seriousâŠthe men Iâm dealing with, y/nâŠyou have no idea. I canât mess this up.â
âBabyâŠâ You feel bad for bringing up the last case he took with Jimin. He got too involved emotionally and when things didnât end up well for the victimâŠâItâs okay. You have me to talk about this with andââ
ââBut I donât. Iâm legally not allowed to. I got in trouble with sharing so much last time andâŠfuck,â Jungkook pauses. Closes his eyes slowly before taking a step forward and reaching for your hands again. âThis is not what we need to be talking about right before our wedding. Iâm sorry.â
âDonât be.â You give his hands another squeeze. âWe share our lives. With or without marriage, right?âÂ
 âI only wanna talk about us.â He breathes out softly, his lips inching closer to yours. âLetâs focus on you and me.âÂ
And your skin is burning again. Itâs on fire. Too much fire, it hurts.
And thatâs when you realize youâre still here at your kitchen sink, hot lava rushing to your skin, burning you as you hold the bowl you were cleaning.
You take a deep breath, taking a step back from the sink when you slam your eyes shut and let out a loud groan. You donât even flinch when the sound of glass hits the floor because youâve thrown the bowl. You donât care.
Another memory.Â
And it seems theyâre all out of order.Â
~~
Another bead of sweat dribbles down the side of Jungkookâs face, rolling right off his skin. And another miserable night. He gently throws his head back against the bathroom wall, his hairline drenched from hour two of hurling in the toilet. Heâs drank too much again. Maybe some bad food poisoning in there. But even still, he knows heâs drank too much.Â
He isnât abusing the alcohol, really. Not lately. But he knows what it can do to him. He hates it. He hates himself.Â
He hates this existence.Â
Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut before he groans to himself, knocking his head back a few more times. What is he doing?Â
He misses you.
He wants to make things right.
How?
Jungkook wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before trying to stand from the floor. Heâs wobbly but he manages. Heâs tired and he isnât sleeping and he canât because he knows youâre not. This is how he feels like heâs with you, the only real support he can give.Â
He looks at himself in the mirror, his tired eyes staring back at him. He wants to tell that guy to fuck off, for some reason. He wants to scoff at him and offer him no sympathy. Jungkook wants to raise his hands to that manâs throat and squeeze. He wants to swear at him and curse him. His mouth twists and his eyes grow teary and he sighs. Because all he can do is cry for him.Â
His head snaps up when the bathroom counter vibrates from his phone. Someoneâs texted.
Unknown Number
Its me
Buzz.
Unknown Number
We need to talk
#bts#jeon jungkook#jungkook smut#jungkook angst#jungkook fluff#bts angst#jungkook x reader#jungkook x you#bts fanfic#jungkooks fics#Kim Namjoon#Kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#park jimin#Kim taehyung#our time chapter 7
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HerWorld | Spooky! Here is the 10 Best Psychopathic Movies of All Time List
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Patience exploring her world this weekend! What are you doing? Anything fun?! . #herworld #patiencethebay #2022filly https://www.instagram.com/p/CblbPvHg5ji/?utm_medium=tumblr
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MYSTERY UNSOLVED
Lost trails, locked rooms
Hidden windows,secret staircase
Cryptic carvings, stashed letters
Sealed doors, deserted hallways
Her mind was a mystery unsolved
Her eyes an inescapable maze
#poetry#literature#mystery#good writing#herworld#love#poet#follow#thoughts#like#mysterious#good poems#tumblr poet society#tumblr poems
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Bhutan Travel Photography shot for DrukAsia Bhutan Travel Agency & HerWorld
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Featured on Singapore's No.1 Female Magazine @herworldsingapore ; View Korean Artiz Studio cover story on the rising popularity of #koreanstyle photography and latest 2021 trend on make-up and photo concepts. Fulfil your true Korean-style pre-wedding photoshoot right here at Singapore's only authentic Korean studio. . . #magazinefeature #fashionfeatures #herworld #artizstudiosg #singaporestory #singaporelife #koreanstyle #weddinginspo #singaporewedding #singaporebrides #singaporebridesweddings #singaporeweddingphotographer #singaporeweddings #gracekellykorea #topziokorea (at Korean Artiz Studio) https://www.instagram.com/p/COM9vFRHrJR/?igshid=urqu6v4aqa5n
#koreanstyle#magazinefeature#fashionfeatures#herworld#artizstudiosg#singaporestory#singaporelife#weddinginspo#singaporewedding#singaporebrides#singaporebridesweddings#singaporeweddingphotographer#singaporeweddings#gracekellykorea#topziokorea
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#starssavedme #skylove #poetry #igpoetry #poetrycommunity #musings #writerscommunity #writers #writersoïŹnstagram #writersofengland #poetryoftheblues #lifestories #lookingback #writerswarmth #igpoets #igpoetry #igwriters #shepoetry #herpoetry #herworld #loneliness #sorrowquotes #hope #hopelives #dontgiveup #selflove #selfquotes #growingup #trauma #instapoetry https://www.instagram.com/p/Ccv2QtxqcZX/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
#starssavedme#skylove#poetry#igpoetry#poetrycommunity#musings#writerscommunity#writers#writersoïŹnstagram#writersofengland#poetryoftheblues#lifestories#lookingback#writerswarmth#igpoets#igwriters#shepoetry#herpoetry#herworld#loneliness#sorrowquotes#hope#hopelives#dontgiveup#selflove#selfquotes#growingup#trauma#instapoetry
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#love #loveher #laugh #live #blacklove #iwasmadetoloveher #indifferent #support #liftherup #herworld #wife #marriage https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqczoeagy3Z/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=b9zg86iubigb
#love#loveher#laugh#live#blacklove#iwasmadetoloveher#indifferent#support#liftherup#herworld#wife#marriage
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#realmen #realwomen #hisworld #herworld #onlywoman #onlyman #howtotreateachother https://www.instagram.com/p/BlABMaDHhC-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1pwabh7o922q
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Friends, Fans, and the like
First of all, I would like to apologize (I tend to do that a lot) for the month and some change that youâve been waiting for the update on your preferred fanfiction: whether it be âWeâre The Sameâ, âTroubleâ, or âHer Worldâ. If some of you have moved on to different fanfictions, then I will understand as I donât have a right to ask you to stay and wait with me since you all have lives and Iâm sure get tired of waiting for mine to get back on fucking track. Trust me, I know the feel.
However, I feel itâs only fair to let you guys know what has been keeping me away from writing.Â
First of all, I had a lack of motivation and a lot of self-doubt lately. While I like to put emotion into my fanfictions, I didnât feel that hostile and deep an emotion as I was feeling should be put into my fanfiction without reason.Â
Second of all (the main reason), the âfriendâ that had been living with me (most of the story has been posted on Archive or our Own as well as on my fanfiction.net account) decided she didnât want to be friends with me. She called me... a loser along with a lot of things I really donât want to repeat, which caused my depression and self-loathing to increase as weâd been friends for 6 years and been through many things together. Iâve striven to be the best friend that I can be, and be as supportive as I can. However, there were times that I needed to vent my feelings (no matter how ridiculous they are or how strange they sound). Sometimes even I donât know why I feel the things that I do, which I clearly state the best I am able, and I just want the person to listen. I was told that Iâm hostile and I hold things against people and therefore they donât feel comfortable talking to me about them. Now, that is the personâs prerogative mind you and I am in no way trying to make the person feel like their opinion isnât important. I simply wish that my opinion was at least listened to, even if I didnât understand it myself that way I was able to get it off my chest and you know, work through it. The inability to do this has left me feeling like my opinion--and myself--rather invalid and unimportant and like a burden.
Third of all, I recently found out that I more than likely have an eating disorder. Learning this put a lot of things in perspective for me, and Iâm currently trying to come to terms with it, work through it, and beat it.
There are a few other factors that accounted for my absence. Maybe in time, Iâll have the heart or desire to type them all out. I didnât forget about the fanfictions nor the people that are reading them, in fact I thought about it all every single day, but due to everything I havenât felt good enough to come to you all with a new chapter, and... Iâm honestly still not sure about it, but Iâm going to try my hardest. Please keep in mind that I am not telling you all this to request pity or anything else of that nature.
Thank you all for reading and hopefully staying by my side,
-kawaiibobatea
Mikuxmew85
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Welcome aboard! â”ïž Playing around, have a great day! Music: Eleven Tales - Her World. Splice music #eleventales #herworld #cloudtimelapse #atlanticbeachfl #welcomeaboard #spliceapp #splicemusic #inshotedit #haveagreatday #marciaurila (at Atlantic Beach, Florida) https://www.instagram.com/p/CPWKcWvHuEp/?utm_medium=tumblr
#eleventales#herworld#cloudtimelapse#atlanticbeachfl#welcomeaboard#spliceapp#splicemusic#inshotedit#haveagreatday#marciaurila
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Her world đș @n.r.hart #nrhart #nrhartpoetry #nrhartquotesđŒ #tbt #herworld #romanticpoets #romanceisnotdead
#romanticpoets#poets#wordswithkings#wordswithqueens#nrhartpoetry#nrhart#artistofig#nrhartquotesđŒ#tbt#potd#ink#herworld#strength#writersofig#quotesofig#love#bymepoetry#instapoet#romanceisnotdead#inspiration#wordporn#writersnetwork#lovepoetry#poetsofig#instafeel#lovepoem
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