#here's what my brain was doing while everyone else was getting liberated

[meredithalden]

just got back from meditation boot camp. have some goenka memes

[drdemonprince]

I was never really certain about my transition in the way that most gatekeeping hormone prescribers and curious members of the public demand that a trans person be. I didn’t “always know” that I was not cisgender. I haven’t “always known” anything about myself. Very few truths about me have always remained true, my existence is too interpersonal, contextual, and ever-evolving for all of that. (So is most everyone else’s, I think). I don’t think that the fact I’d eventually choose to exercise my body autonomy at age 30 by taking hormones is a decision I could have foreseen when I was a child. All that I knew about being transgender when I was a kid was a fact that most children intuitively know: gender assignment was a violation of my freedom, of everyone’s freedom in fact, and it was wrong. As an infant and then a child and teenager, people kept imposing labels on me; they kept forcing me and my body into prescribed gendered boxes, and while the specific labels and boxes never really felt like the right ones, the most disturbing part about it all was the forcing. No coerced identity would have ever felt right. Children can tell when secrets are being kept from them, and when adults are restricting their choices. They notice that they and the other children are being lined up boy-girl, boy-girl, without ever being told what a girl or a boy even is. They can see their parents frowning when they reach for the doll with the shimmery hair, or climb atop the neighbor kid on the playground. Kids know that they are forbidden from sitting with their legs spread wide or flicking their wrist, and their gender illegibility is shamed in them, long before they get any answers about what gender means or where it comes from or why it’s so important that they make themselves easy to understand.

Like the cloned children in Never Let Me Go who grow up being conditioned for a life of forced organ donation, children in a cissexist society grow up conditioned to fall within certain gendered boundary lines, and by the time they learn that the reason for this is almost completely arbitrary, they can’t imagine any alternative. Not until some of them hear about gender transition and find the prospect very compelling, for some reason. You can say that reason is because some of us are inherently trans, but there’s absolutely nothing in the way of brain science, genetics research, or even sociological data to back that up. Besides, the search for a biological “reason” that people are transgender or queer runs counter to the goal of queer liberation in the long run. Science only needs to explain the existence of transgender people (or queer people more broadly) if our existence is in some way aberrant or a problem. If queerness is accepted as a form of human diversity that simply exists, then there is no need to excuse it by claiming that it is never a choice. It can be a choice, if a person wants to make it, and hopefully it satisfies them, but maybe it won’t. Freedom to choose means freedom to forever be dissatisfied, to search endlessly for more, and yes, to capable of making a mistake. I would say that viewing myself as transgender was a choice. I decided to break away from the straight, female categories to which I had been assigned, and doing so allowed me to view the legal and societal power structures that had restricted me more clearly. It helped me better understand myself. But that does not mean the actual act of breaking away was always the truest reflection of who I am. The version of me that transitioned was a person on the run — and how a person behaves, thinks, and self-conceives when they are fleeing is not a great reflection of whom they might be if they were safe. If we all lived in a world free from mandatory gender assignment, and where our bodies were not mined for meaning about the kinds of sex we liked, the clothing we should wear, the personality qualities we have, the roles we should play in society, and the connections we are allowed to form with others, who knows who each of us might be. But none of us get to live in that world, or ever gets completely free from the frameworks of heterosexuality and the gender binary. These frameworks shape every legal institution we encounter, every school we attend, every item of clothing we put on, every substance we take into our bodies, every piece of paperwork that ever gets printed about us, and every look another person ever gives us. And so we make due with rewriting and recombining those frameworks as best we can. It should come as no surprise that those us who break away from the binary have to experiment and revise how we understand ourselves quite a bit — sometimes getting things “wrong,” sometimes searching forever for the semblance of something “right.” Sometimes reveling in the “wrongness” of all the available options is kind of the point.

I wrote about my detransition, retransition, and the eternal dissatisfaction that is probably the corest truth of my identity. It's free to read or have narrated to you on my Substack.

[robocatfan]

An angry summary of Speak the Ocean by Rebecca Enzor -Part 1

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

(well more of a combination of a summary, a rant, a critique/review and nitpicking, but you get the idea)

Because in my eternal search for more books about dangerous mermaids, I found this little book with such an interesting premise (it’s essentially mermaids in Seaworld) that i just had to read it. And since those sorts of stories don’t tend to be pretty good, I had high hopes for this story.

However, not only did it waste such a cool concept, but it disappointed and pissed me off so much that I decided “you know what? If I had to contend with this thing, I will bring everyone else down with me!”

… and also to spare anyone who doesn’t want to read it, but it’s curious about it , from suffering the same (not good!) brain rot I have thanks to this.

I’ll be doing this two or three chapters at a time because I noticed that my summaries… ended up a bit long.

Anyway. Lets begin.

Preface 1

The book starts by showing us an in-universe training manual for employees about interacting with the mer, as well as what to do if someone falls into the tank with them.

It tells us that unless they are doing a certain task (like using an electroshocker- yes, that’s its name), personnel must remain at least 3 feet from the water - which contradicts what we see a few chapters later, but we’ll get to that eventually - and if they need to work near the water, 4 personnel must be present and the water must be cooled and spiked with sedatives if necessary.

It follows up by saying that if someone falls into the tank with a mer inside, the person closest to the electroshocker ™ should place it in the water, and if the mer doesn’t react to it, they should shock them… while the person is still in the water. Yeah sure, that will help a lot with keeping them alive!

Meanwhile two people should use a net to separate the mer from the person while a third (the one with the shocker or the one in the water? Idk) keeps an eye on them. If they can’t trap the mer however, they are allowed to use the electroshocker ™ liberally- while again, the person they are trying to save is still in the water!

I get it’s a quick life or death situation, but come on! Tranquilizer guns and darts exist for a reason!

Chapter 1- Finn

This chapter introduces us to Finnegan Jarvis aka Finn, our human protagonist and a worker in Oceanica, the only mermaid marine park in the world. Also as you will see from this point forward… I hate his absolute, bigass di-

The story starts with Finn’s narration telling us that contrary to what Corporate - aka Delmara/ Aunt D, the owner of the place - tells the public, the mer they work with are very dangerous. which is proven by the fact that one of them killed Craig, one of the trainers, just the night prior. Which is why they are now preparing to euthanize it.

His friend Serge notices he’s nervous about it and tries to reassure him by telling him that Bismuth the mer (they name them after the elements of the periodic table) and his companions, the twins Fluorine and Chlorine, were already chilled. It doesn’t help much.

In his narration he says that six years have passed since humans have discovered merfolk, and in four of those years he’s been forced to kill six mers after they killed an equal number of his companions. Though in spite of his nervousness and current sadness for Craig, the fact that he can bring up the death of people he knew about so casually means that he’s pretty desensitized to it.

They both go to the room where their practice tank is stored and meet with two of their coworkers Madison and Natalie (Maddy is the only important one here, trust me). And since the mers have already been placed there, they get to work.

Btw all that i have summarized so far takes place within 8 paragraphs (one of which is just for one of the character´s dialogue), none of which give us a clear idea of how the characters or most of their surroundings look like.

And as expected, this chapter also shows us the mer for the first time, with barely, if any build up to their first appearance. And much like the humans, there are no noteworthy descriptions that could help us visualize how they look like save for specific details that apply to just one individual, with those being Bismuth’s dark green scales and the twins’ icy blue eyes and hair.

Speaking of the twins, apparently they are part of Oceanica’s second most famous show, and are only here to watch their companion die so they’ll be discouraged from misbehaving like he did. According to Finn that strategy worked on previous mers… although sometimes it just backfires completely.

As they prepare the net and electroshocker ™ (the process being described in just one paragraph btw), Finn says that euthanizing a mer isn’t easy since they are huge, they are many regulations with dealing with them and, according to him, they are the perfect predator… although there are no scenes in the story to support that idea, nor at the very least shows us why he has come to such conclusion.

Anyway, in the span of just four paragraphs that look more like a draft listing actions rather than a proper final scene, Serge electrocutes the trio, allowing the other three to trap Bismuth in a net and lift him from the water while his tank companions swim around and do nothing to help him.

And after snapping at Maddy for not moving with him by reminding her to pay attention or she’ll end up like her recently deceased companion — Finn injects Bismuth with a liquid that kills him instantly, which also causes him to dissolve into foam.

However, as he’s dissolving faster than my initial hopes for this book, one of the lines holding the nets unravels, and in the chaos Finn slips in a puddle of the mer’s remains , hits his knee, and falls into the tank with the twins. Like he deserves.

He tries to flee, but the mers hold him down with their claws. But instead of immediately going for that soft, vulnerable throat, Chlorine, this supposed “perfect predator”, just pierces his shoulders, giving Finn the opportunity to reach for her gills and fucking rip them off. And before her sister can retaliate, Serge electrocutes them both.

Unsurprisingly, this has consequences.

Finn ends up comatose for two days, and even though his mother is worried sick - since she has lost her husband who disappeared while in a trip to find the merfolk, and is justifyingly worried that her son also works with them - and the doctors told him to not swim while he still had the stitches from his shoulder wound, this guy insists on going out for a swim in a reef in spite of Serge’s protests.

Oh and he also says that “he can’t let his sister make fun of him for getting his ass kicked by girls.”

… oh and those living family members he has have almost no importance in the story. They are just. There.

As they are traveling in the fishing boat that used to belong to his dad, Finn asks Serge what became of the twins. And he casually, very casually, reveals that the stars of their second most popular show are now fucking dead.

There’s no talk about how the public is gonna react to this, nor how this very huge loss will affect their finances, not even if they held a funeral for their recently deceased coworker. Just that they gotta pull more mers out of the ocean to replace the twins and they’ll need a new trainer for them. Which Finn, in spite of his current medical orders, plans to become.

Though he does bristle at the memory of killing Chlorine… And also says that this isn’t the worst way in which he has killed a mer.

…WHAT-

Oh and also it’s revealed to us that Delmara used to be his father’s teaching assistant, and Finn has been working for her since he was fifteen years old after helping her document the existence of the first mer they’d found.

On their way, the pair come across a beach that has been vacated due to a recent mer attack the night prior. The reasons as to why it happened, nor the attack itself are ever explained or brought up again. Not even in the chapters with the mer pov, where we see where their kind - which should include the attacker - lives.

Finally they arrive on the reef, and as he swims through it, Finn muses that if the stories about people becoming mer were true, he’d stay in the water forever. But as it stands, working with them is the closest he’ll ever be to being a part of the ocean … even though he recently killed and constantly tortures the same creatures he says he wants to become.

[comesitintheclover]

Six Sentence Sunday Monday 📚📜🖊️

Thank you so much for the tag @bookish-bogwitch! your chart is awesome!

I will remember to try that/ a similar thing if I keep having issues with this fic I'm writing (but I should at least try to slog through a first draft of my trouble chapters first - i just get so anxious that I will fuck up the funny-conflict and make it miserable or something when it's 'perfect' (but vague af) in my brain and has been that way for 4 years...).

And thank you everyone who has tagged me in the last months/year <3 @nausikaaa, @ileadacharmedlife, @monbons, @supercutedinosaurs, @brendughh, @rimeswithpurple, and anyone else if I missed you because my tumblr notifs won't go that far back 😭💗💞💖 I love you all! Thank you for including me in the community even when I haven't been writing for a while! It's been so inspiring seeing what you all have been up to and I've finally started writing again so yay!

My goal is to finish this fic I've been writing for four years (i've written what I'm estimating is 50k words freehand and am transcribing and editing them onto my laptop and I still need to write the other half ... hahahaha 😅. But I love it. ) called *The Long Summer*, within a month (the first draft at least, I'll come back and edit it at a later date. I want to post it on ao3 over a summer so hopefully I will be ready next summer! I need to write it while I still love it!), and then I want to write the first draft of an original story for a month or so/NaNoWriMo, and then I will pick one of my Carry On WIPs to work on (hopefully just in time to celebrate snowbaz's anniversary!)

(The Carry On WIPs in question: I'm thinking I will probably pick my soulmate au fic called Meet the Parents/When You're an Adult You'll Understand, or a trans au called Fraternity house, orrrrr this magical Agony-Aunt fic called Basilton Grimm-Pitch’s 10 Step Plan for Getting Over*(letting himself be in love with) Simon Snow ).

And I'm planning to interact more with wip-wednesdays and six-sentence-sundays from now on to keep me motivated and accountable! (hopefully this works, battling my motivation is like trying to wrestle a fish or something... i'm constantly at a loss with my brain - oh why won't I do things that I love and have time to do??)

....Oh and I want to make some Carry On animations.... (this is probably why I don't do things... Too ideas many and hard to pick. I tried to make a schedule last night that included everything I wanted to do in a day and it was 35 hours long... oops).

*The Long Summer* is a harry potter fic, and since I know all of you lovely people from Carry On, and I know lots of people avoid hp stuff for obvious reasons (JKR is wrong! Trans liberation now!), I will keep the rest of this under the cut <3

here are the first six sentences from my 💗beloved fic💗:

Ron Weasley wasn't an introspective soul. By the time something actually rolled around to happening he would probably have had twelve chances to predict it, if he was Hermione. He presumed something like this would never have happened to Hermione. Summers were probably a lot more quiet in the Muggle world, as an only child, with parents who weren’t - well Hermione was so smart she probably already knew, no there was really no reason to write to her. And Harry - well he didn't want to write to Harry about it either.  Honestly, it would probably be better if he never found out.

(I wrote these when I was 16 and they may need editing but that's for future me to worry about - rn I'm trying to push out a first draft as fast as possible...)

Thank you to anyone who read this far!

Hi!'s, tags, and hand-hearts to everybody 🫶 @stitchy-queerista, @umdiasujo, @carpeosculum, and open tag to anyone who wants to be tagged! <3

[tricky-pockets]

a while ago, I wrote a post that included this thought:

"So, my mom's a Gen X liberal (unions yes, socialism no) and very much A Feminist. Her perspective on feminism is very much centered around workplace equality. Independence and success, to her, is having a job - and that's inextricably bound up with her attitudes toward social justice.

What this amounted to, when I was growing up, was a LOT of "Women can do any job as well or better than men" and "You don't need a man around the house; get some power tools and do it yourself." Which, like, yeah."

The original post was about weird relationships to feminist spaces after coming out as a trans man. But after coming across the post again, it strikes me that there's something going on here with respect to disability too.

(don't get me wrong, I'm not at all criticizing the fight for workplace equality. that's fucking important.)

My mom was a diemaker. She dealt with a lot of men thinking she was less capable and having to prove herself in a way that men didn't. To her, that's a big part of how you claim the respect you deserve - by proving that you're capable. You work hard, you do better than the men, you don't complain, you don't show weakness. If your arm isn't strong enough, do not ask someone else to do the thing for you - use your brain and figure out a way to do it yourself. That's what she had to do, so that's what she did and I admire her strength.

But. If there's no room in that approach for disabled people, you sorta end up with "Claiming that you're unable to work as much as everyone else or that you need special accommodations... is letting sexism win." And sometimes "People who have a job and work very hard at it are the ones helping us win the fight, so only those people are deserving of respect." It's never stated that blatantly, but I've seen those attitudes manifest as baseline unspoken assumptions.

And like, what the hell do I even do with that. I want everyone to have a shot at a good life whether they're able to make money or not. I'm furious that my mom has had to grit her teeth through so much when she's literally fucking disabled and just works through the pain and prides herself on never calling off sick. I'm proud of her for fighting so hard to carve out an independent life for herself. I'm furious that she had to fight at all. I'm often ashamed that I'm not willing or able to endure what she's endured. It's a mess.

idk, someone help me pick at this.

[an-honest-puck]

Prompocalypse (Ep. 16) highlights and viewing notes because I don’t have the time to liveblog while watching but I do have thoughts that I will complete some other time lol

spoilers ahoy!!!

nothing like the power of a teen girl/tiefling's catty sarcasm to completely undermine a villain's monologue (shoutout to the d20 sound crew for the perfect music and timing on that one!!)

Gorgug learns about a new way of disarming people: kissing them

"Stop outing students!"

"I'M GAY NOW WOO"

Lou turning his adding-up-dice-humming into the first notes of 'Amazing Grace' that Zac immediately picks up on and starts swaying along

Brennan's gentle "yeah" when Siobhan admits to having a question that will be bad for the party, but also that she wants to play the game right

even more spoilery spoilers below!

Lou giving Siobhan a thumbs up after the above question

the fact that Goldenrod finds the need to justify to a bunch of teenagers that he's attacking this student because he's just an evil demon and not because said student is gay

Riz yelling "HOMOPHOBE!" at an honest-to-goodness dragon

"To be clear, I am very socially liberal; I am fiscally conservative!" + everyone's reaction to that (shoutout to Zac's very judgemental head tilt XD)

Brennan saying "I am a libertarian!" in Goldenrod's 'teacher' voice and then growling it again straight afterwards, as if Goldenrod just remembered he was a big-ass dragon XD

not Beardsley's "So convenient for you!" lmaoooo

Goldenrod: What? Everyone should be free to do what they want. I should be free to collect gold and destroy, and you should be free to try and run away! This is a cultured political philosophy!

Ally/Kristen: I'm down from hearing that [and not from his actual attack XD]

Brennan: *describing the gnarly metal music Gorgug's listening to*

Zac: *drops his dice*

"Ooh, beignets!"

the little grin on Brennan's face when he rolls the dice and then A WILD JAWBONE APPEARS!!!!!!!!!!

Jawbone hugs!!!!!! 😭

Jawbone: Y'understand me?

Adaine: No!

Jawbone's monologue about panic attacks which is too much to unpack here and is basically a whole post in and of itself

Brennan: *mentions Tracker*

Ally/Kristen: Tracker!

Jawbone: I CAME HERE TO FUCK SHIT UP and help children

"Jawbone rules! I'm so glad we helped get his life together"

Introducing, Jawbone: Not a Healer, but a healer of the mind and the soul uwu

Adaine (but mostly Siobhan lol): I would love to do an arcana check... on this absolute fucking unit

Adaine just double flipping off an honest-to-goodness dragon

Kalvaxus: Aren't you supposed to be some kind of high-falutin' elf?

Adaine: I'm a child. You are attacking a bunch of children, you coward.

Fig: Be careful, Adaine; he has a taste for the young ones

Adaine: I have a mental illness and that's fine!

Kalvaxus: Alright, let's not turn this into a fucking PSA after-school special bullshit

Emily's big brain idea to seal Kalvaxus to be the next lunchlad and promote Gilear to be the new VP

Lou's sick-of-Brennan's-shit "Is it [Kalvaxus's] turn?"

Kalvaxus, an honest-to-goodness dragon and the Emperor of the Red Waste: Teens are so mean!

Kristen, mockingly: "Stop making fun of me!"

Adaine: Yeah well at least we're not ugly!

Adaine's happy bobbing!!!!! :DD

"This medicine is great! :D"

Gorgug's Nat 20 (!!!) to summon GORTHOLAX!!!!!

"IT'S TIME TO SHRED, BABY!!!"

Penelope, dying: All I wanted to be- was queen :'((

Kristen: We know!!

Beardsley trying to figure out how to flip someone the middle finger when they only have 4 digits

Riz/Murph, despondent that he can't roll anything higher than a ten. Everyone else: "You can!"

"Should've gotten silver fillings, bitch!!"

"Man, when I grow up, I wanna be a guidance counsellor!" - Adaine

Fabian's "a-HA!"

the strangest bit of improv when the tables are turned and Siobhan makes Brennan improv something coming out of her character's Jacket of Useful Things ("I open up my Jacket of Useful Things and I say 'I need something that will beat Kalvaxus' and I put my hand in a pocket and I pull out...?) only for Brennan to pull out the whole goddamn lore for the jacket XD

Ally: Can I roll for a nat 20 and then be alive?

Brennan's famous last words: Uh, sure, go for it.

Ally/Kristen: This is to the corn god. I know I left for a while but-

[Brennan.exe has stopped functioning]

Brennan: *flabbergasted and now rapidly figuring out how the fuck to figure this out*

Riz/Murph: Praise be to Helio!!!

Fabian/Lou: He-li-o! He-li-o!

BONUS EPISODE UNLOCKED, BABYYYYYY

[fatestayyuri]

Finished Ward Arc 3

TL;DR: taking an indefinite hiatus you can all unfollow me now

okay so like. first things first; probably gonna take a break for my own sanity’s sake! not the Biggest fan of his writing and the fact that from everything i’ve heard it only gets worse from here Does Not Assure me. anyway,

tattletale is so fucking funny Victoria just shows up and goes “fuck youuuuuu” and blames her for the [????] that amy did (i still have no idea what amy did) and lisa’s just like. “yeah. whatever. stop being a cop idiot.” then fucks off and leaves. the thing about wildbow’s writing is that while lisa comes off as like. kind of an annoying (endearing) loser who feels the need to overexplain to literally everyone i’m pretty sure wildbow intended her as his take on a Holmes-like all-knowing smart person? that’s honestly way funnier than any of his jokes tbh

the thing about arc 3 is that it’s not particularly objectionable enough to be a fun hateread and the annoying bits are subtle enough and caked in enough to the character moments that it just kind of blends into a big slog. Tristan and the other one’s dynamic reads INCREDIBLY gauche and all of the other stuff i’ve seen as part of the book club don’t lead me to read it kindly. i think that’s the problem actually by reading it all at once as a group we’ve been inundated with so much Wildbow moments so quickly that i kind of stopped reading it “with love” as it were; I kind of just see the artifice of a deeply copbrained liberal sockpuppeting characters and getting them to compliment his writing.

I think a large part of this is that i don’t actually particularly like superhero settings wait no actually i just remember that like my #2 favourite web serial is a superhero one i think i just hate wildbow’s writing i think

yeah it’s like, i don’t think wildbow should write fight scenes they kind of suck. Victoria “flying brick / cop Dallon doesn’t really have an interesting enough skillset to carry 2 million words of fights around. sorry. all of it tends to boil down to “punch really hard physically or emotionally” and i’m Bored. even the fight scenes as metaphor for emotional moments is Boring. it doesn’t do enough.

and like, i can’t actually take the [whatever untitled group] thing seriously since i got spoiled that Tristan is gay and the other one is straight so like. this just comes off as blaringly homophobic in the “what if the world was made out of pudding” sense. fuck off

yeah it’s really really hard to justify continuing to read this, when i am told that it only gets worse from here. like, genuinely wondering why i should spend that time when instead i could finish reading good serials, or the VNs on my backlog, or do literally anything else

sorry Certified Wardheads (all three of you) but like. indefinite hiatus for my mental health this shit sands away at my brain. i could probably say more but like, unlike the other stuff i’ve subjected myself to (Tsukihime) i’m not even promised something like, Good good in spite of all the forks. there’s other stories where you just have to do jury duty for 40 hours instead of eating forks for the sphagetti. i have a newfound appreciation for VNs that are just boring before they get good now

[tacky-optic]

OK so i've been in this fandom for well over a year now (since the end of october, ew) and zenigata is still my favorite. so after all this time, i'm finally slapping down some of my thoughts about the version of the loud angry rectangle that runs around in my brain and this nightmare of a franchise in general. as a new year treat.

most of these have actually been in my notes since february or march, made as semi-sporadic thoughts while i trudged through the series. i wonder if it's obvious what installment i was watching/had in mind for each of these, lol. anyway i found these at the bottom of my lupin notes folder back in october, plopped them here, then forgot about them again, oops.

but they're here now! at the very end of 2023! under the cut! you can even read them, if you want!

zenigata is selfish. there is a genuine drive to help people and do what's right, but pursuing lupin specifically? 100% an ego thing. zenigata pursues lupin (the world's greatest criminal) because he feels like he's obligated to (as the greatest cop (and not that he necessarily thinks this about himself presently, but subconsciously)). it stopped purely being 'the right thing to do' after the amount of chases hit double digits -- probably even earlier than that.

so what does he really want to achieve here? who knows, because he sure as hell doesn't lololol.

but seriously tho. it's probably simple human connection. or acknowledgement. he's always operated on a different level from everyone else, likely to the point of boredom and/or unfulfillment, so once he comes across someone that might operate on a level higher than him, of course he gets obsessed. game recognizes game and it's liberating.

he's most likely used to "it's only a matter of time" and not much else, so i bet the realization that "it's gonna be tough to catch this guy, isn't it?" was exhilarating because he NEVER had to think that before. and honestly, good for him. he seemed to have been a different sort of miserable before, but at least this new version allows for some bouts of genuine enjoyment.

he had to have said "because i'm the only one who can" at LEAST once, right? which is true! he is the only one who can. that's why lupin keeps him around. zenigata is the single legitimate threat that lupin hadn't managed to get rid of/ sway to his side and that amuses him to no end. he really likes that stubborn old man. he's great.

it's obvious that his skills would be far more useful and impactful on literally any other criminal case, yet he ACTIVELY CHOOSES to allocate his time to chasing after someone who simply can't be caught. and what's even worse is that he IS the only person who can catch him, maybe even end it all for good, but it's reached a point where he simply doesn't WANT to, solely because the chase is THAT entertaining/enriching/compelling to him. calling it a compulsion is great, actually. he's obsessed, doomed by the narrative, consumed by his ideals, etc. etc, and he's completely trapped by cartoon logic. i doubt he knows anything else.

the dark infatuation is great and all, don't get me wrong, but i really enjoy those bouts where he kinda just exists. he's living his best life, candidly enjoying what's going on around him or the (comparatively) simpler aspects of his job, and all that stuff up top becomes irrelevant, at least for a little while. i don't think he's wholly doomed, per se, just that we won't be seeing an "after" for him in any official capacity. because again, cartoon logic. he's got a role to fill, even if it's an objectively shit one -- but he makes do, and the fact that he is allowed to do other things is enough for me.

y'know, in hindsight, i think the live-action show impacted how i view this guy the most. i really do believe he doesn't have to be defined by his role in lupin's story. at heart he's a chaser, a dreamer. he keeps trying, over and over, and despite everything, he hopes. if he was none of those things he wouldn't even be after lupin in the first place, or lupin would never recognize him as his true rival.

....maybe i'll actually manage to finish some of the wips i have about all that stuff one of these days, lol.

as far as other media goes: parts 1, 2 and 4, tokyo crisis, ep 0: first contact, g vs r, and fuma are all pretty high up there, too. maybe a smidge of koike if i'm feeling particularly angsty, but until zeni's title movie comes out i wouldn't put too much weight on that one.

i'd be remiss to talk about the guy's most popular pairing, right? i mean, i gotta. it's lowkey kinda wild how luzeni never fascinated me to a point where i'd feel compelled to write or draw much of anything for them. they're like, all the worst aspects of fujilup/jiglup smashed together lmao. THAT'S INSANE, THEY'RE INSANE TOGETHER AND IT'S SO GOOD. but nah, jigzeni. we'll, uh.... we'll leave that for later.

my guess is it's because the fandom satiated any itch for luzeni that would've been there otherwise, like, right off the bat. the fics alone are so incredible to me and have greatly impacted how i see zeni in their own right. i should really re-read some of them. and maybe you should too, so--

LIST JUMPSCARE!! i read all of these (and more!!) this year!! and yes, they all involve zenigata!! i don't half-ass this obsession, just like zeni lmao. just be mindful of ratings and tags, ofc. explicits are red but the rest is reader's discretion. and if by the incredibly slim chance any of the writers of these see this, thank you for sharing your works, they're really friggin cool B)

Knave of Diamonds/Thoughts May Dim/Under Your Hat

In The Margins Of Another Life

Sunrise, Sunset

Judo in the Schwarzwald

unsaid/lucky strike/cold hands

The Language of Flowers

With Enemies Like These/All Along The Watchtower/Fair Game

Friends Don't Let Friends Diss The Chef

Fates Entwined

The Many Deaths of Kōichi Zenigata

mean luzeni series/Secondhand Vanity

Disreputable Company

Smother Your Sorrow

Kintsugi/how to hit on Zenigata and not actually hit him

pour déplacer un autre/My Dear Icarus

Fifty-Two, No Longer Counting

Smoke and Moonlight/Off the Record

this doesn't even scratch the surface, hah. i think i might like to read but i can't be entirely sure.

my favorite part of this fandom is probably how moldable all of the characters are; you can pick and choose from so many different types of media and sculpt the finer details however you want, but at their cores the character's fundamentals still shine through. it's how we get those fics and fanarts and even text posts like these going on about headcanons. this cast feels like people that've taken on lives of their own outside of their (frankly problematic) source material and that's super neat.

so at the end of the day, there really is no definitive version of zenigata, or any of the others for that matter; just a handful of constants. all of those bits and pieces from up top are a part of my zeni, in one way or another -- but i like a dozen other zenigatas too, even ones that might go against those points. he's definitely been my favorite for a straight year for a reason. maybe one of these days i'll figure out how to actually finish a story all on my lonesome and you'll be able to see my version of him in action ;)

so that's that, i guess. here's to another year.... and hopefully more lupin content, lol. i might not trust tms but i trust the fandom. it's a small but strong and good one and i'm glad to be part of it, even if it isn't in the most active capacity.

anyway pls keep drawing zeni like twice the size of everyone else lmao. tms are cowards for giving him stick arms like lupin >:((

[ckret2]

Here, have another post about my headcanoned human Bill Cipher!

I promised to answer the second half of @dykefnctl's question—

also, like, wtf does stan and ford think? i'm invested.

—but I just got a separate ask about Ford, so I'll talk about Ford in that one and focus on Stan here.

So: Stanley versus human Bill!

Of all the Pines, Stan had the least to do with Bill throughout the entire show; at best, he would have seen this triangle guy come up a few times in Ford's journals and once Ford came back maybe he would have personally warned Stan to watch out for a fast-talking magic triangle. (Although considering how long it took Ford to open up to Dipper, whom he was on much better terms with, the odds that he'd have said anything to Stan are still pretty low.) So to Stan, Bill's just some weird triangle freak who came outta nowhere to mess up Gravity Falls, personally threatened his whole family, and forced Stan to sacrifice his brain to get rid of him.

So when the freak comes back, Stan's ready to shoot first and figure out how to hide the body later.

"Maybe Bill's possessing a normal human and you'd be murdering an innocent" doesn't dissuade him; he'll kill a single stranger if he has to, he's not taking any chances when his family's safety is on the line. (Also the world's safety, but he's more concerned about his family.) What DOES dissuade him is "maybe being trapped in a human body is the only thing keeping Bill's reality-altering powers in check." Stan doesn't know much about how this stuff works, but he's already seen Bill shed one body to hop into someone else's head, and he doesn't wanna restart Weirdmageddon.

He's still somewhat skeptical—"if killing this body would make him a god again, how come he hasn't jumped off a cliff?"—but even if Bill wouldn't regain all his powers if he was "freed," there's still a chance he could just go possess someone new and come back, right? And Stan might be willing to kill ONE innocent to protect his family, but he doesn't relish the idea of killing a whole string of innocents being puppeted by Bill. Or risking that the next innocent is somebody he knows.

So he'd rather keep Bill right where he is: inside his current body, and somewhere close by where Stan can keep an eye on him. For now. Until they can find a way to kill him for good. If the memory gun couldn't do it, maybe Poindexter and Old Man McGucket can whip up something that can.

Bill, meanwhile, is perfectly willing to let Stan and everyone else keep believing that killing his body will unleash him again—when the truth is, he himself doesn't know what would happen, but he suspects that might just kill him for good. Or else shuffle his humanized ghost into humanity's afterlife system, which he doesn't much relish either. It's not too long before Stan starts to suspect that Bill's willingness to put up with makeshift imprisonment in the Mystery Shack, rather than smash his own head in and escape, means that he can't just hop over to a new body... or, at least, he doesn't know whether he can. So they're at a stalemate: neither Bill nor Stan knows whether killing his body would liberate him or destroy him, and as long as they don't know, neither is willing to risk the consequences if it doesn't go their way. But both of them really want to find out—while not wanting the other to find out.

So for now, they mostly just glare at each other, and sometimes Bill grumbles about Stan's cooking.

Once they've been around each other long enough that the white-hot rage Stan feels at the sound of his stupid whiny voice starts to cool down, Stan starts to suss out that Bill is, in fact, a lot like himself. That is, a fast-talking stone-hearted con artist who's probably served time in multiple jurisdictions and whose "friends" are more likely fairweather partners in crime. Stan can grudgingly respect that. Being in the Shack means Bill inevitably comes in contact with a few customers, and the guy can make up a whopper of a tall tale at the drop of a hat and sell anything you put in front of him—Stan respects that, too. All these little similarities also make Stan start to suspect that Bill's like him in other ways: that maybe his stone heart has a mushy center that gets very, very lonely without his family, whatever and wherever they are.

But Bill's still the creep who tried to murder Stan's whole family and planet. Who cares if under his weird alien trappings he has relatable problems! It's not gonna make Stan go soft on him or whatever.

(Stan's slowly going soft on him. It's hard to keep feeling threatened by a depressed clumsy loser who thinks depth perception is a curse and lets Mabel paint glitter on his face.)

[batsplat]

I love your brain! like yes of course valentino should be a princess! (and a witch, who curses ppl) and the malicious story teller stuff!!!

*insert that photo where mick doohan is putting a crown on valentino, but make it a tiara instead*

also, the bike transforming into a blue haired anime girl in his dreams I feel like irl valentino would endorse this afdggjk

(x) somehow this is probably the cinematic vision that is most likely to get made. we already know he's into surrealist animation that's based on himself so it's like. not that much of a step. lemme sit him down and explain utena to him I wanna see something

for reference, the doohan/valentino photo

icl, in my head I remembered the crown already looking more like a tiara. like I'd lezzed up that crown in my head, made it a little daintier. that's actually a pretty normal crown. I mean, it's still objectively a bit of an odd photo to exist. but yeah. to me this is basically already princess-coded. shame his honda prince just couldn't treat him right

it's funny because he's such an absolute weirdo about this stuff that a lot of this bike characterisation is basically already... well, it's already true in his own head, isn't it. like how he'd hesitated over saying yes to yamaha because he was so attached to like... the honda not Because It Was A Good Bike but because it was one of his true loves or something

"I took pictures of myself hugging and embracing the rc211v" FREAK

and how the whole process of signing with yamaha was like. about liberation. but so hard to give up his girl and show up for this completely different girl who's likely to be mid for a while

like!! he really goes all in on the liberation stuff, but it's also.... he really saw something in that yamaha when nobody else did. it's a bit horse girl of him, but also for our purposes here the bike is spiritually very much the prince to swoop in and save him from his mental shackles. can the horse save the horse girl, that's what happened here

anyway, something about how... a lot of the scaffolding of utena's plot depends on kinda bizarre and straight up silly mythology that anthy and akio are quite directly responsible for... the duels, obviously, akio using his projector thingy, the letters from end of the world... to the point where it almost serves a disorientating effect, where the characters are increasingly immune to how nonsensical and weird everything is and stop even commenting on it. unless they get a shock to the system like nanami accidentally seeing anthy and akio................ uh. you know. and then there's something quite fun and engaging about valentino kinda,, brute forcing his vision on the sport - where increasingly a lot of the insanity involving him has become completely accepted to the point of being accepted, and everyone else is operating within his rules. the celebrations is an obvious totem for that general influence.... just something quite fun to hearing commentators speculating what he's trying to tell the world when he's dressing up as a prisoner or whatever, like they're actively engaged in this insanity valentino has set up. but it's also kinda about the legacy element, where you end up having the melandris and jorges of this world following in his footsteps and planning their own celebrations... nobody ever did it quite as much as valentino did, but even stuff like marc's title-winning celebrations, the dice or snooker table or whatever, are part of the same tradition. I had this moment watching maverick dress up as batman this year where I was like 'huh this would be a completely bizarre event if I were watching tennis or f1 or whatever but I suppose we do just completely accept it as basically normal behaviour'. and because for valentino, celebrations are such a big element of narrativisation of his victories, of explaining The Meaning of his victories, of telling the story of a win and his career... he's kinda ensured this sport as a whole ends up being super into exactly that style of narrativisation. all on the same wavelength in how bizarrely dramatic they are. is this not basically utena, artificiality of the narratives and all.... well, not really, but it is a little bit imo. valentino probably could've gotten a pre-race sequence where he challenges riders to duels introduced if he really put his mind to it

I was also thinking some more about the imagery he's big on, most notably all the sun and moon stuff (from here)

angry moon and angry sun!! so which one's supposed to be the happy-go-lucky one

you get the occasional grinning moon:

I would think it's fun and quirky and a bit of a subversion if the moon is actually like. the happy bit. and the sun is the competitive nature. even discussing this is all kinda funny, like how many athletes are this into inventing their whole little symbolic language you can theorise about? I'm engaging with this sport in the same way how utena, by the time she's like fifteen episodes in, doesn't even question how it's possible that black flowers can mind control students. these things are basically equivalent

anyhow I do miss the faces on the sun and the moon, they were a very early valentino aesthetic. and crucially it does fit into the reading of 2004 that's really about him... integrating those two natures. as I've repeatedly yapped about by now, there are no celebrations that can quite match the pointed cruelty of sepang 2004. sun and moon meet each other, destroying his enemy in whimsical fashion. so: with all this dualism valentino himself has introduced into the story, with all this symbolic stuff he was throwing at the wall in 2003, he's basically created the narrative himself wherein his prince (the m1) can swoop in and liberate the princess (vale) and allow the prince to revolutionise the world (idk self actualise ig) by integrating the sun and the moon or... or something. and becoming a witch is depicted as being pushed over the edge by a moment of crisis obsessed with achieving a singular goal... well, that's qatar, isn't it. devoted to his m1, has a crisis about coming close to losing the title, does a curse, plans a little sadistic celebration to ritually manifest his curse into existence. and also the bike is a hot anime girl prince he can do witchcraft with. valentino hmu I have a proposal for you

[winotheredmage]

Introduction

It's now the start of Pride, the co-opted commercial celebratory period where corporations pretend they care about the queer community as more than a consumer base for A Whole Month(Thirty Days, Seven-Hundred-Twenty Hours). Company's vague impressions of solidarity is never as staunch as what's shown on the ground, by the ones living radically as themselves. I had the good fortune to see that solidarity in action today when a sizable majority of folks who attended the local dyke march migrated over to a protest for Palestinian liberation, bringing the march with them and melding numbers. Some might scoff at the notion that both struggles are linked; but as queer Palestinians bravely fight against genocide and colonial-settler violence, their rights as queer people encompass all queer people's rights: This should go without saying.

Like a river joining another, the flow and energy between the two demonstrations were strikingly similar; The air felt fearless, nurturing, exciting, and gay as all get-out. Flowing through the streets, the sound of hundred-fold footsteps was rain coming to nourish the flora of change. We shouted "dykes against genocide", "queers for Palestine", "burn israel to the ground", and there was birdsong echoing like thunder, roaring and comfortably close. There were plenty who stood by on the sidewalks, offering cheers of support, going about their day, or recording the procession with anywhere from a smile to a sinister smirk on their face. Looking at the occasional dissenters from the sidelines, it made me want to scream just a little louder. In those moments, I thought that standing on the sidelines and sitting idly by for such an issue was the last thing I want to do.

Social anxiety is a mess to deal with, and for me, more often then not, it's debilitating. Could nary get a word out at either march and stayed by my lonesome while everyone was conversing and connecting. Whether it was getting hung up on future anxieties, lingering imposter syndrome, or maybe just nothing, I found myself feeling alienated surrounded by my own peers. There were so many people I wanted to meet, so many things to talk about, so much joy to share; Yet no matter the path I went down, its destination was me feeling unworthy one way or another. There are many days where I feel this is a struggle impossible to overcome.

On those days, I look at all the other pieces, the shiny broken ones we all keep polishing: For me, they're the scripted youtube videos I never filmed, songs in storage I never released, friends who are lost in forests of notifications I never replied to. Clearly in my perspective is the enormity of the life I don't live, but want to live, should be living. When puberty, intrusive thought, and chronic pain already saps your energy and ability daily, it feels unbearable to do anything else. There's no stopping the thought that its also exacerbated by the overlapping scaffolding of oppression in place, leaving the issue feeling like a decidedly hopeless one. I think maybe there's something about a fig tree that goes here too???

There was something else I saw during the marches; Signs brought by protesters with quotes and passages from writers the world over. From prose to lyric, from poem to passage, more than ever did I see the work of writers, poets, and wordsmiths of all kinds from the revolutionaries attending. All of it left me feeling like there was something that needed to change, some inner bud in my brain about to burst and sprout. One can easily be lost in the pursuit of perfection, especially concerning artistry near and dear to one's self, and I felt like I may have been wandering for much too long. My position, however frayed and fraught, is still a privileged one that can, and must, be used for good. Many need to speak, and many need a voice, and many need to scream, many are screaming. It's about time I screamed a little louder; No more do I stand recording on the sidewalk of my life. To be on the sidelines when faced with a reality like this is the last thing I want to do.

(tl;dr I went to a dyke march/protest for palestine today; Poor social skills, anxiety over the future, and lingering depression left me feeling isolated and without purpose. There was, and is, so much experience I want to relay, so much to say; Often the aftershocks of those experiences left me unable to say it. Seeing quotes from writers on the boards of protesters inspired me to write properly about my experience, because I owe it to so many to not stay silent.)

[strykingback]

EVENT: Rescue Mission Phase Two Part 3. The Cybernetic Demon

Warning this drabble will contain vomitting, Reader Discretion is advised.

________________________________________

OST: Realization

The strike team stood outside of the base watching over every individual as they were being checked out by the medical team with reinforcements arriving as well. Made even worse by the fact that some of the brains that were found needed to be cartwheeled out carefully onto cargo ships. Some of them containing Zek's friends that he made when he was younger.

"I cant believe this. Why would someone go as far as to literally harvest the brains of innocent people who had done nothing wrong?" Eros said holding his helmet looking at the waves of civilians being treated for their injuries, any side-effects of the experimentation, and furthermore.

"Made worse by the fact that we we're planning to set charges and get rid of any evidence related with Project Immortalis... but the good news is that the successful serum was replicated when those scientists came to....all that now matters is if the mark we're chasing has it injected into himself..." Leonidas said, with Eros nodding. "Add salt to the injury mate, because most of those people were either Zek's own allies from before he joined up with us." He continued.

"Still.. it gladdens me to see that command had also sent Merlinda and Twilight here to help. Add that with Krieg and we should create an alternate version of Immortalis that should easily take out our foe.... the only problem is that we have a long way to go." Guangxian said, which the trio noticed Hermes, Krieg, Twilight, and Zek would walk towards them.

"Hows everything with your mum, Zek? All-clear? No side effects?" Eros asked.

"Ms. Atya is doing incredibly well, so far as per the disturbing videos that Guangxian had to send me which resulted in five days loss of beauty sleep. She has no signs of the aforementioned side-effects as I theorized which would happen. Albeit something else was wrong but its quite major.." Merlinda said, with Zek moving back to the trio to listen to what the professionals had else to say.

"What I noticed through my semblance was that her genetic cells were breaking down much slower than originally expected through a lifetime of faunus' or humans. After I took a blood sample and observed the sample... her blood was showing signs of symbiosis with Project Immortalis.. meaning one thing. Her body is aging slowly and any damage she may take might heal up rapidly... but I assume it is with a certain amount of dosages of it..... that Ms. Atya would have became psuedo immortal....." Twilight said.

"An Immortal Army . . . ." Eros said with awe, thinking for a minute. "And Ace how about him? Will he be able to pilot the Liberation still?" He asked while Krieg and Hermes looked at Eros.

"Ace is sadly suffering from some effects from Fusion Poisoning which thankfully the medical teams got to him in time to administer the antidote. As for the Liberation... it is currently being repaired... if Ace does come to he'll be using the Atelius' Railgun cannon in order to fire at any large targets should the time come.....

"As for me and Krieg we may have to remain here in order to help with ensuring that none of the civilians are suffering from the side-effects of Project Immortalis... sorry. at this point you may be the final four or five if Ace gets back up." Hermes said putting his hands behind his back.

"It' aint gonna be easy. But I do like a challenge...." Eros would say. "Alright. We'll leave things to you. Everyone else lets get back to work." He said putting on his helmet and thus him, Zek, Guangxian, and Leonidas would re-enter the base... of the Solitas Liberation LLC.

Back inside the base..

The small strike team led by Eros would move through the enemy base carefully keeping their wits about and their minds focused on the endgame at hand. As they all entered an elevator with just nothing more but calming music playing....

Finally... a voice would come through.

"Well Well! Gentlemen! I do must say so myself.. I congratulate you for catching us offguard like that...! Really, it takes a lot to do that ever since the last time... Mr. Sunna-Simo....." A voice would say with a southern accent added to it.

"Blyat.... I thought they would forget about that... guess they didnt." Zek said softly.

"After all, that time we were just about to complete our plans and even not harm those civvies. But after that.... we had to improvise on some things especially after losing our funding because of that Blizzard Sniper incident. I knew you had a killer instinct Zekkie-boy. However, turns out that killer instinct was focused on us instead of the enemies when we hired you..." The voice continued.

"When I get my hands on you, I'm going to make sure those bones of yours will be broken!!!!" Leonidas growled.

"Broken? Hahaha... After all, I think I can't call myself human anymore.Why not enter the main room and lets all talk face to face! Mano A Mano! Enemy of My Enemy is my friend!" The voice continued with the elevator ringing with the doors opening up as everyone walked through noticing the large cylinder towers.... with little blue rings of light.

"Those things can't be holding brains right?" Eros said with a light glare...

"I thought the room upstairs had all the brains there...."

"WRONG! All those towers are holdin' nice, juicy, flesh-meat brains!!!!" The southern voice spoke once more with everyone pointing their weapons at the railing in front of them as heavy footsteps were leading straight to them...with a large man wearing an equally large trenchcoat as he opened up one of tower lights with him picking up a brain as it trilled and twitched in terror.

"I definitely must say..... the alternative program to Project Immortalis... is effective!!!"

COMMANDER OF CLANDESTINE OPERATIONS ________________________________________ BARBATOS

"Alternative program? I know for a fact you just committed a huge human and faunus rights violation crime. I'm certain the Grand Council of Remnant would love to slam dunk you into the death penalty!" Eros said keeping Pequod and Ishmael on the burly man.

"You just aint gettin' it arent ya? Yeah, the brains are being put underneath active combat situations, but at the same time.... they are also being brainwashed as well into becoming perfect soldiers that will listen to the people in command aka. The successorts who managed to survive and thrive with Immortalis!!!" Barbatos continued with an evil grin on his face.

"You're telling me if my mother did not survive she would have been turned into a soldier!!!" Zek growled.

"After all.... I was the one who killed your first mama! And then beat the other one down! Trust me... her screams were sublime!!!!" He continued placing the brain back in its pod with an evil grin on his face making Zek point Hayha directly at Barbatos head and fired. With the man simply stepping to the side in a flash. "Not here... can't damage the goods now. I'll lead you boys to my office.... we can talk there!!!" He said turning around and walking away which everyone else didnt wait... they followed... into a room of stairs leading to another part of the building where Barbatos stood in a large room without his trenchcoat on turning around revealing his mechanical body

"Welcome gentlemen!! To your deaths! Cause after I'm done with you.... Imma slaughter all those civilians...and make sure they all get turned into perfect soldiers!!!!" He shouted pulling out his heavy machine gun. "Cause guess what." He said with his visor activating on his mouth and face.

OST: Cybernetic Destruction

"I'm going to tear off the flesh from all of your bodies and turn into perfect cyborgs like me..." He said with a menacing voice as he aimed for Zek first as he started firing with everyone scrambling around for cover. While Eros would shoot at him to get his attention.

"Then. I'm sending you back to the scrap heap then!" Eros shouted shooting at him to which Barbatos turned his attention toEros and began to shoot at him which the commander would throw a grenade at him while Leonidas used his 300, Interchangable plasma rifle in its grenade launcher state to further faze the cyborg with both making contact and exploding...

"Damn.... that was somethin.... my turn." He said with a glow being emitted from his back while Leonidas and Eros prepared themselves but in a blink, Barbatos was already in front of them both and swung both his fists at their guts hitting them and making them both cough in pain as they both keeled over.

"Bloody... hell....what...was that..." Eros said taking off his helmet to vomit, while Leonidas kept his on to and looked up at Barbatos who was chuckling at his work. "Why dont you live long enough to find out and-" Barbatos spoke noticing his HUD was showing up with an attempted hacking symbol on it as he turned around to look at Guangxian who was busy hacking into his systems. "Nice try..." He said initiating the counter measures and locking him out.

"What!?!" Guangxian said before his signaler popped making the hacker stumble a bit with the same thing happening to him..getting flash stepped and knocked out by the cyborg.

With the Cyborg ready to revel in his possible victory he looked around for Zek who in fact was just a slight distraction... which the sniper threw his knife... as Barbatos knocked it away. And right before he was going to do a fusion rush. Bang.....

His the light was emitted from his back was destroyed by a well placed grenade launched shot from Leonidas. Who stood up and roared charging at the Cyborg swinging a kinetic punch making him stumble with a groan from the charged semblance, then came Eros who stood up in time throwing his plasma knife at the rocket launcher, the Guangxian quickly came to and started hacking again... this time managing to counterhack Barbatos counter hacking measures...

And finally Zek would slide in to snipe the head of Barbatos off ... as the Cyborg fell down.... dead...

"Thats... for making me vomit... arsehole..."

"Actually... wasnt this fight meant to be a bit longer...? "

"The writer of this has things to do tomorrow, plus it was a holiday today." Guangxian said. while Leonidas facepalmed.

"Lets get back on track people. We aren't out of the woods just yet. " Leonidas would say with the speakers coming to life.

"I didnt think Brumel of all things would send a strike force to interrupt my plans!"

[kinglarrykoopadx]

Alright, let's talk about Project Moon.

Just to clarify, this does not mean I'm going back to regularly posting stuff here, particularly cause I've had some relatively bad experiences with this website alongside the fact that some of the stuff I've typed here makes present me wretch too much to consider going. However, just this once I'm getting my ass off the bed to share my thoughts on the Project Moon controversy since it involves one of the games I've been playing a lot recently, Limbus Company.

For those unaware of the Project Moon controversy that's been going on here, allow me to explain. During early July 2023, PM released the obligatory summer event that by this point is expected for all gachas. Now because we humans are genetically bred and designed to flush our brains down a drain at the sight of even a single nuance of rational thought, incels got super p'd off that Ishmael was wearing a skintight suit instead of swimwear for the obligatory gacha beach episode event, seeing it as an expression of "radical feminism" of some kind. There's also the fact that the CG artist behind Beach Episode Ishmael's design made some feminist remarks in the past on social media which was apparently sufficient enough "evidence" for the incels to go on a crusade of degeneracy in order to liberate fans of Limbus under the guidance of their lord and savior "Incel Christ".

The crusade I was referring to pretty much boils down to spreading negative misinformation on the Limbus subreddit, review bombing the game to hell and back, and even threatening violence against Project Moon's staff. The main goal? Have the artist behind the Ishmael censorship, VelleMori, be fired. And of course, in an unfortunate turn of events, Project Moon complied to the misogynists and fired VelleMori. While this probably satisfied the incels everyone else is now out for PMoon's blood since the struggle for gender equality in Korea (where PM is based in) is pretty vicious. It also doesn't help that a similar incident occured in 2016, in which a female Korean VA was fired because of a similar set of circumstances. Because of this, fans lost whatever remaining faith they had in PM and boycotted the devs, discouraging people to continue supporting PM and presumably moving on and trying to disassociate themselves with anything PM related in the future.

I'm not gonna lie. At first I was pretty miffed with PM as well for bowing to the incels. Hell, I even deleted Limbus yesterday just to give em the bird, however, after a good night's rest to help calm my anger over the situation, I realize that I'm putting way too much of the blame on PM. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to morally grandstand on behalf of PM or anything, what they did was indeed wrong as hell, but when you take the time to revise the situation, you can somewhat understand PM's decision, even if out of the two options they were given they'd picked the morally questionable one.

I say this because with this controversy, PM was pretty much fighting a losing battle right from the start. Even if they didn't cave in to the misogynists' demands, stood their ground and refused to fire VelleMori, they'd still have to worry about the prospect of the incels barging right through their front door and massacring the other innocent programmers and artists within the company, practically putting the lives of tens at an unwarranted stake, even if these incels probably have the physique level of your average Mario boss, which probably makes them kinda pathetic but I'm getting a bit sidetracked here so let's get back to the main subject at hand.

Now, as I said before, I don't claim to be on the moral high ground. I'm not sure this entire rant is 100% factually correct, I'm not trying to deny the fact that Project Moon didn't do an oopsie and I'm not well-versed enough in Korean laws and cultural background to back up the legitimacy of what I've said before and what I'm about to say. I honestly believe that there is some truth to PM firing VelleMori as a defensive act. The message is definitely there, it's just that the domestic cultural background and an incident of similar nature from 7 years ago ended up distorting the message into an entirely opposite meaning instead. From what I've heard, up until the start of all this shit PM isn't an inherently malicious company and seems to put in a lot of love and care into their games with Limbus being one of the shining examples of that so I don't really think PM is actually saying that they fired VelleMori as a defensive act just to save their bacon, particularly since they've clearly shown multiple times over that they genuinely care about the fans and put heart and soul into each one of their works.

Truth be told I really hope that this controversy doesn't end up leading PM onto a darker path that most businesses in the gaming industry wander into.

In short, while PM definitely deserves some of the blame, it should also be noted that the incels that started this whole clusterfuck in the first place deserves more of the blame. A LOT MORE OF THE BLAME. To those cyberstalking incels that remorselessly dug the grave that PM's reputation now resides in, I do hope you're proud of yourselves. Pray to the lord almighty that we never cross paths, cause the very moment you're locked within my line of sight, rest assured, I won't hesitate to give you a one way trip back to the stone age, and trust me, THERE WILL BE NO TIME MACHINE THAT CAN RECOVER WHAT YOU'VE LOST. AND EVEN IF THERE WAS, well, a little bit of SUPER SMASH BROS. might be able to resolve that problem juuuust FINE.

(I'm deeply apologetic over my use of violent language, especially with some of the implications of the last paragraph, it's just that this whole controversy has got me peeved in more ways than one can imagine. Unless you're one of the incels behind the scandal. In which case I do not owe you any apologies.)

[popculturealchemy]

gen 1 alpha feeling trigger by greek I just mean... stage 1 taking back greek I'm using this language in this blog trigger nsfw warning . liberal greek liberalizing greek . this text, just gen 1 something to reflect later . granuals of sand premordial mirror technology how can we even trust that thing what are we even seeing framing our story stealing our charm . unifying sight we're all looking at these things the same . round orbs of complicated light we are waxing and waning orbiting chaos asteroids the game sniped by a ufo I didn't know that thing was watching me totally changing me who I am as a person . . life. shattering. fucking. moments... bad fucking dreams!!!!!!!! . . . . . . shrills echoing off walls out of place autistic rage y'all know what I mean. you're steamrolling me Into a flat fucking penny. . pigeon hole pigeon toe shoe horn abuse you don't see curved toes. shoes too tight little by little adjustment rubing that stone in your pocket for 45 years. my grandpa his rubbing stone. with a groove in it. . 70s grampa getting groovy with his fucking rock. stimming always stimming puritan values secret puritan needs . . sword staying sheathed too often slaying not enough slaying those who want to be slain like the eagle finding the fish the offering I'm not going to make it by myself . fish ecosystems swirling around sharks profiting somehow . . unsettling metaphores relationships of all kinds sex trades beautiful people doing beautiful things being stoned being stoned while stoned praying for them is my primodial response to helping them feeling empathatic in this moment how do I fucking value these people how do I tell their story how do I tell my story wanting to be involved with everyone especially beautiful people . people actualy ACTUALLY like feeling good. like pleasure like.. relaxing. like not.. just talking about it. the weird dichotomy oxymoron black prism relaxation takes work timing takes work adusting my timing takes work . breaking out of habits takes work having ocd takes work Its a weird skill but it takes work . big bough big wood big sail ready to whoosh ready to be corny with someone if that were safe wooshing instead of wishing not going to far. following pleasure our barometer our dial things not making sense in the air. literally at all. . helicopter tailspin kobe bryant in the trees somewhere. probably some weird mafia religious idk bet thing. white out. hollywood letters written in white out white. . the blind spot negative space . Its not white . everything else is . don't really know what that means hoping something would manifest california feeling dramatic acting acting coach acting coach to coach my people people i love coaching me not. not. NOT. not using the word not. but not hounding me. . leave me alone. not sure other commands . need vocublary blalkdfa;dsklf feeling idiotic like tractor farm boy autistic seizure thing strong though I thought. maybe being taken advantage of... not... using that word... not proving that i'm weak maybe. what does being taken advantage of prove? big thought in my head. . just dug up black prism like animal crossing seizure butthole in my brain hiding pain finding that rock to hit with my shovel . {took me way too long to figure that one out} . feeling important to feel important . I was eating mashed potatoes once on the couch at my grandmas house for a "dinner". so. many. "dinners" dinners. 12:00 noon. 3pm 6pm food here people here time. dining . weird time shifts in norway like alaska Inside joke knowledge this is side not for myself later feeling important enough to have a tangent teachers all the time growing up... never.. getting .. to .. the point. eloping... with... students..... private... rundown.. cold.. school. feeling like a k drama nightmare video game horror movie expereinece with more khaki and less plaid because we weren't cool enought we were like 7th heaven knock off homeless kid things weird clothes some kids were wayyyyy too well dressed. strange. specefic clicks . tldr: feeling fine

[only-lonely-lovers]

08.24.2022

notes: silly crossover conversation lol? But it devolves into other things... *Shrug!*

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

つ：[talking about TS nene-chan] she's such a special girl. its like proportional to amane in the opposite direction

あ：Harmonious in this way

つ：the sheer degree of sexless little nerd and so she becomes hypersex everyone feels so shifted on the scales

あ：[brain shrinks more and more every day due to the salt]

つ：twintails whore. special vibe. feels like such a cringe girl

あ：amane's cringe gf

つ：like a true shame of the school in a way. such an interseting nene. so liberated. but still a virgin its rly funny to have so cringe a gf

あ：but youre like FRIENDLESS AND A TECHIE NERD...

つ：i think if normal amane could see this nene he'd like be really scared of her like what…. [becomes frollo]

あ：ah like jesus thats a girl whose gonna grab me by the zipper first thing

つ：i think it would be too scary for the pervert to meet his like equal

あ：he likes being the most sexual one in the room

つ：yes. and good for him. that is what he typically is.

あ：meanwhile so funny to think about hanako seeing himself be such a sexless little virgin itd be like god what is the DEAL.

つ：he'd be like omg no. wtf YOU'RE ALIVE YOU CAN'T BE WASTING IT LIKE THIS

あ：what happened to me

つ：YOUR STUPID ROMOTES

あ：YOU HAVE A HOT BLOODED COCK AND YOURE JUST…

つ：YUO'RE ALIVE, SHE'S ALIVE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!

あ：i think he'd honestly want to kill him

つ：I'M GOING TO KILL YOU

あ：🤝

つ：im gonna toukan koukan

あ：its not fucking fair He has to watch footage of Amane just opening his mouth and Tsukasa shoveling rice into it

oh so THATS WHAT HE'S BUSY DOING!?tf/G.F getting fucking babied all day… KILL YOU

つ：he's out here like pushing tsukasa with his socked foot like tsukasaaaaaa turn on the faaannn…

あ：its wretched

つ：this AU tsukasa seeing hanako: a

あ：poor tsukasa seeing a fucking. nasty dirty amane it's like he has never prepared his whole life for such a thing

つ：if you swapped out amanes i think it'd be a dual problem of like WHAT'D YOU DO TO MY BABY WHERE'D HE GO but also hamina

seeing this creep kabedon nene. stares. anyway uses magic to pull my boy back from the aether at all costs eventually i will be calm when i have both amane… but unfortunately you cannot they will kill eachother

あ：you're literally not ready for him....

つ：NO!!!!!!!!!

absolutely not ready for him. but amusingly i dont know how this one interacts with tsukasa. awkwardly, probably he's like im just here to fuck whore nene

tsukasa sortof like twiddling fingers not needed. staring at you. maybe amane ushers you out of the room [uses magic to get back in but invisibly]

あ：just uhh think of it like, you have the afternoon off. okay? I don't need my food shoveled into me i'm not a mental patient. uhhh…. you just.. [claps hands] dismissed.

つ：blink.

あ：

a little out of it. but you have to worry about your boy TSUKASA experiencing the -- oh my god roachie

つ：well the reality is his amane can't do shit anywhere else so he's in the fetal position in the bathroom

あ：sucking his thumb

つ：he's crying

あ：It's like wahhh i;m havnfin a nightmare where's my animal crackers….

つ：nene trying to come in but the bathroom is locked. he recognizes her voice but he's like still scared i imagine its like [wails] tsukasaaa…. [CRYING BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE HIS DRONE]

あ：someone stole all my stuff what if i've been kidnapped

つ：kou's gonna break open the door w his caveman foot and amane is gonna be a disaster

あ：its like OH GOD ITS THE GUY DCON'T COME ANY CLOSER

つ：nene trying to assess but its like ???? hanako ??? hanako-kun???? why are yuo-- dressed-- wh>??? tt-- YOU WANT US TO>?? GET??? TSUKASA????

あ：it's like, he's going to have a panic attack and throw up a litlte bit

つ：he'd recognize kou after a second is the thing. just your classmate though. its like no my classmate was insane?

あ：right it is like. oh god i know him does he know where i live!?

つ：one of them could watch amane while the other runs off to like. shout for. tsukasa like hes somewhere in thia school right thinking tsukasa is somehow. needed. for this

あ：this tsukasa

つ：?????? oh coming out of the broadcast club cluelessly. beig dragged to amane

あ：he summon me

つ：and just. staring. amane like scrambling up to him to grab

あ：⁉

つ：clutch…. hold…. but also like [sobbing sniffing] why aaore [coughs] you dressed so weird

あ：what's happening… is it some………. historical..r ecreation… day!?

つ：[air]

あ：[wind rustling] 1 sense at a time sort of deal. itslike ah. he is warm

つ：…………… pets… pets

あ：smells alive

つ：detecting with my sonar that this is a different amane.

あ：

[vibrating] [can sense your bones]

つ：alive boy….. initiate… coddling mode

nene and kou staring watching like what the fuck is going on why are they hugging whispering

あ：Did something happen

つ：shuld we do something? is hanako crazy

あ：who do we call. tsuchigomori. like! literally who do we defer to. its just like [headache]

つ： you just get very earnest cuddles on the floor at least amane is just like hhuuuuu…

あ：[beleaguered] i barfd…. my tummy hurts………

つ：oh no!! thats not good….

あ：Do you have anything for me...

つ：RUMMAGES IN POCKETS

あ：procures like a horrible eyeball

つ：pulls out. some . things truly some spirit bugs. butterfly wings. string. rubberbands. bubble wrap you know. things. we have. in my kimono sleeves

あ：[just wants like a tums.] 🥺……….. is this like a magic trick…

つ：being like… this is a dream right….. you're different too…. aren't you? sniff…

あ：[dejected] [sinks to the ground]

つ：helpless creature. its ok. your tsukasa will like correct things. he shall pluck you from the air and bring you back i like to think before he sends hanako boy back he takes a second though

あ：You must trust him. he's just fiddling with the technicalities

つ：i like tsukasa getting to look at a more relatively 'independent' boi like. hmmm.❤️ you're interesting…. nice to see. holds you by the jaw

あ：Appraises you like a fine stable horse

つ：mine needs me back…. but… it was nice meeting you.

あ：Hehe......... ❤️

つ：

tsukasa: do you have any questions for me, before you go back….? hanako: what the heck was that back there. with. the-- me. here. for real. what is that. tsukasa: [lying for fun] 🎶we are lovers❤️ BYEEE [THROWS YOU INTO THE PORTAL]

あ：just make hanako turn into a withered husk NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

つ：make hanako return like he just faced the balrhogg

あ：well tsukasa is here.

つ：face down on the bathroom floor oh it'll be like nene and kou rush to him and he's like mngnngh.. [looks around] [SEES TSUKASA] [SCREAMS] FLIES OUT THE WINDOW

あ：

つ：poor nene and kou. they don't benefit. the other nene got like. shmoozed and groped perhaps. i feel like tsukasa wouldn't let him take virginity its like ohh no❤️ thats for MY boy

あ：YOU'RE NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!

つ：GOD HANAKO!!!!! not with that attitude💔

あ：you dont deserve it

つ：nene and kou like. i guess you can. go now tsukasa. he seems. back to normal ?

あ：> poor nene and kou. they don't benefit. the other nene got like. shmoozed and groped perhaps. i feel like tsukasa wouldn't let him take virginity its like ohh no❤️ thats for MY boy

so funny to think about this being interrupted before tsukasa actually has the spell figured out to bring his boy back. like. UHHh hold on there [freeze] [sleeps her]

つ：simply puts it on hold. funny if his magic doesn't work on ghost boy nene just freezes and hanako is like oh shit hell yeah

あ：NOFJDSGDHF

Now I dont have to hold back

つ：SCRUFFS YOU is like-- jkesus [getting the vapors] amane…. now, now……

あ：You should know better….❤️

つ：tsukasa would really have a moment mentally of. [griffin voice] he looks really nice.

あ：[inhales deeply.]

つ：trying to be respectful though. he wouldn't want his boy molested while he was swapped. i must resist

あ：It's like Tsukasa has the eyeballs to drink in your design. the bright red accents that guide you to look at his cock

つ：the only person capable of truly percieving the sex mmmmmred socks… nnnice shiny black shoes….. gold buttons, sakura detailing….

あ：[bites hand.]

つ：you are like sports car. so fancy maybe i can buy amane a gakuran…

あ：temptations. you're like, i wish i could just do it. ahhhhhh but muri muri……………………. but. if the he is so horny you know. AHHH but no no no. my morals

つ：maybe I've earned. one favor from amane, after all this time… when he gets back… perhaps he would try one on for me… maybe

rly goes back and forth for a minute just compulsively its like tsk tsk. weeell. no. mmm.. hehe.. no. ah. its too bad….

あ：Youre trying to not be like. "IF youre so impatient…" [clutches rosary]

つ：this temptressssszzz

あ：this will just be a lesson like. whet the appetite. i want a treat, says tsukasa, for once

つ：its funny but yes. its like ahhmmmm… welllhlhlhl maybe a treat when i have my boy…. i'msure i can find a classic gakuran somewhere…

its . like amane comes back. you know and is like TSUKASA WEEEEEP i had a weird dream… snfsfh ana, a…. you were… there, sortof, you… looked…. different……

tsukasa like… ^^ OOOHHH i had a dream too….! haha… hehe… you were in different clothes, and you acted differently…❤️ isn't that so weird…. ?❤️ I wonder why that would happen…

あ：[completely cluelessly] oh, weird………….. ……………………………. 6.6 ……? because we are twins.

つ：[loves this logic] i guess so…! [KAWAIII] mm really nuzzle and rub my boy….. amane asking for tums….. and tsukasa getting it… simple.

hanako will. be okay. eventually. tsukasa had to release 1 demon into him i was a good boy i did not suck your cock❤️ so i tell little joke you were so rude💔 you can handle it

あ：you deserve a little something. for being so… sexy.

つ：mmmminx

あ：stupid rude sexy boy… at my doorstep…

つ：its funny to imagine tsukasa being like ruined for a bit actually. with desire. hes' not meant to have

あ：🤪im ngh kdfh !!_ ghf

つ：actually does have a dream about 2 amane going at him wakes up like ah. this is bad

あ：😔This is going to distract me………….🥴

つ：the confident body language…… the haughty expression…

あ：I couldn't have dreamed of such a boy, in reality.

つ：the lurid gaze at nene.... the cavalier confidence.... decked outin all black..... hhhhhhh

あ：so toe to tip hansy boy… what's all this flair for….

つ：If He Had Pinned Me And Not Nene I Would Be In Trouble Ha Ha hnnnggh no i belong to this amane…. help

あ：Put in a position to DENY Amane…. for, Amane…….. NO!!! break my brain

つ：oh it would be fucking. aroauruogurhogrugh

あ：But my loyalties

つ：my sexual tension blows up the apartment

あ：starts sweating bullets but if my little boy comes home and im all. FRESHLY FUCKED. no icannot but this is where your brain is trying to be clever like "but ah, if it was both…"

つ：mmngnhhh… ah but its like truly a pipedream💔 that amane……………………….. he didn't seem so interested [thinking about a truly 100% straight amane💔] ah well….. I'm only me. I wonder what his tsukasa is even like….

あ：All fucking titties out

つ：all fucking. luxuriant. a god

あ：nice big skirt. it'd be like oop. 🤔………………..🤐.

つ：like oh sure this tsukasa is a pwoerful wizard. but literally. a God. over there

あ：like oh my. in this world people can just BE weezards

つ：in his finery. when i was looqing into kimono and hakama stuff it was that tsukasa's set-up is really something only common for like shrine maidens and shinto preists …..

あ：melded with a GOD…. maybe that's just what it takes to match THAT Amane

つ：like ohhh god you have your adversary lol… me and my HUMBLE boy. sheesh

あ：We're just in our sweaters

つ：our lil matchies

あ：I truly was not meant to taste this opulance a sip of something with gold leaf in it

つ：if only to peer thru the veil later and see amane cutting open his mouth and fucking his thighs lol

あ：One day looking into my crystal ball

つ：get electrocuted

あ：like as a treat. wonder what that one is doing [struck by lightning]

つ：watching it like an anime occasionally while amane is asleep

あ：Ahhh oh no MY LARGE BOILING FLASK

つ：AAOAOUGOGDFGJFKL!!!! boiled my eyes out gets so horny I throw up

amane watching tsukasa rush to the bathroom and yartz: -FEAR. HAS NEVER SEEN THIS. OH GOD NO- tsukasa. is ill. oh god. oh god no. roachie. oh god. what is this. no. it cant be

あ：no not like this

what a hubris it feels like at the end of this your body is going to feel like its fighting off an infection ahh the ciguatera poisoninggg

つ：i have tampered. with dark magics and i have. been burned

あ：[is like. crying on the bathroom floor]

つ：i can't cope with having seen such a brutally. hot thin. g indeed poor amane this is horrifying for him seeing tsukasa like this

あ：all the manuscripts warned me.. literally

つ：literally i was told to not dark knowledge.. why did i think. i was above it i've been filled with the crazy urge to be stabbed…. ohhhhhh I NEED TO BLANK MY OWN MEMORRRRYYYYY

あ：ITS THE ONLY WAY

つ：THE TIME HAS COME I HAVE TO DO THIS

あ：I cant live life wanting to be stabbed

つ：I KNEW IT WOULD COME. i cannot. be trusted with this… desire and all my. powers i cannot…. i am too powerful to want something this badly

あ：There's a gd timer ticking down

つ：ineed to hurry. before something takes HOLD i was not meant to have this sort of desire it isj ust like… i'm sorry… amane……💔 freezes you💔

such a dramatic scene of like getting his shit ready to wipe it out but shaking hands and stopping and starting like mgmghmgnhgmmhn no maybe i cccc. maybe i can rrresist… noooo NO

あ：the goofy movie devil red lighting

つ：can't i just have one thing . [dark evil voice] once…. NO

あ：stages of grief. oh bargaining. ahhh but i just want to have this memory inside of me please

つ：pleeaakse the peace of knowing there is a version of me that would beg amane while being cut open AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

あ：ohhhh what if im good…. don't take the mental image from me its the most beautiful image i have ever seen

つ：I KNOW HE COULD DO ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOWWWW!!! SLAMS FIST ON THE GROUND

あ：OHH like a bandaid Tsukasa COME ON But this is one of thos emoments where its like why did i trust myself to be the wielder of all this with no one keeping me in check😩

つ：I need some checks and balances…… sigh

あ：ughhh…. BORIng………!!!!!!

つ：..maybe I should finally….. tell Amane……

あ：time to get all wistful

つ：i should finally… tell amane….. about… my magics…. and i should….. give him the power….. to stop me…. [gets horny] hmm. yes this is the right course of action [thinks] wait no. is it?

あ：Now that is doing it right!

つ：NO i was supposed to blank my. memory. …. well, maybe I can do both? I'll write a note… to myself

あ：Yes. ah…. okay.

つ：saying…. tsukasa. you've made the choice to share your secrets with Amane. you need him to hold his own power over you. you need a system for this.

You've just removed something important from your memory. Trust me, it was imperative. It really was. And what that thing was, taught you that this is the next necessary step.

You can never know what it was, but you must hand Amane some sort of tool. You cannot be trusted. You're not infallible. You are weak to things.

あ：There was a draft of this that was like. you saw something far too. incredible-- no. crumples paper

つ：disappears paper

あ：this is like trying to make warnings for radioactivity in the future

つ：it is like that SOOOOO AMAZING SOOOO MIND NUMBINGLY DELICIOUIS

あ：Something that would ruin you foreve You stupid… slut

つ：why can't we just be normal what, can't just walk back fromgm,, seenig amanegm sssztab us>?

あ：Be normal. be normla for once in your life tsukasa… OOHH

つ：mgr,gthm…. hhover abov us pinning….

あ：ahh the perspective… [thinking about it through 1st person POV]

つ：whiels we….. wiggle and plead…,. eagelr,, for mor legs give out

あ：It would be so good to beg.

つ：WHINEs OOOHHHHHHH!!!! stupid. fuckgin

あ：Whjy did you get so distracted conjuring porn in your large boiling flask [has a psychotic break]

つ：fkl;gkfld;hdklh [nakamura screaming over and over above takao but its tsukasa]

あ：[blurred from motion]

つ：Anyway tsukasa waking up on the floor having erased it reading the note is just like ….🎶things have gotten so interesting…!

Aha, okay…. if it was really so severe. I must have meant it. There is evidence all around of a struggle… his hair and clothes unkempt, pulled at… things strewn about. Looks like I really wrestled myself down.

あ：Its funny to wake up like. Tehe. it seems i. went somewhere i shouldnt. well! i must have really been out of my depth if I can no longer be trusted with my own secret… ^w^ … onwards…

つ：A lesson was learned🎶

あ：If I have decided to trust Amane… then I will ❤ But its like smacks lips. idk its not as worrisome as you'd think. somehow amane havijg the control is like………. yes ❤ aw well… it can be lonely you know.

____________________

つ：Anyway. This is all funny actually bc I think at the end of this all amane is given essentially a word command which trigger shuts off Tsukasa’s powers at will and offers him complete control and tsukasa cannot reverse it like he sets it up to be very simple and easy for amane. But then Amane has this in his brain and one day tsukasa is just like finishing a paper or some shit and amane gets to do “stop the post.” But extremely manually and tsukasa is like .

Like . Well I can’t do anything about him just using it now can I. Can’t argue back like “amane that’s not quite what I had in mind…” because it’s …. interesting he is thinking about it AND it’s good he get in the habit of using it… then he won’t be hesitant in the future

It’s good to get accustomed to it casually first really… oh yeah I was also thinking it like compels tsukasa briefly for the first command said. It’s a whole system he rigged to BUT REALLY give amane reigns even despite Tsukasa’s powers

あ：You gave your spoiled toddler the master key unfortunately

つ：I do whatever you’ve said and then they’re gone until you permit them back. Yeah The end result is the spoiled brat has power to compel you

あ：Amane wants mac and cheese NOW!!!

つ：Some day Amane just like. It only compels you for a little, right? And it’s like mhm. Why? Make it longer What if I need you to do more things than one or two

あ：tsukasa coughing like he has black mold in lungs: ahah…. i guess you're right…

つ：That could happen. Hakk Why do I feel an ominous sense of danger…

あ：Somehow this isnt… Safer feeling…❤️‍🔥

つ：Surely isn’t what my past self had in mind

あ：This is like going to teach Amane to have even less tolerance for things than he already does

つ：It is scary and overwhelming but as well like paaants woof Indeed no more seconds of delay

あ：But also i feel like a side effect is whwn Amane is entirely alone its like mghgg… I HATE BEING ALONE!!!! (throws shit) I dont want to tolerate anything anymore [kicks desk] god the stupid tyrant boyking particle simply alive and well

Idk where this terminates but i do think you set Amane up for a real tantrum any day he is just like fed up w everything… i think the most paltry use case would be one day just realizing he can make Tsukasa say specific things and it's like a day you want to just hear something said aloud. like mghhhh tell me i dont have to go to school tomorrow…. like oh just say the words to me

つ：It’s like whoa. Scary to feel the compel make him talk….

あ：(insecure) Tell me you always want to take care of me

つ：PAIN

あ：must feel weird

つ：almost sad to feel the compelling take over like NOOO LET ME SAY IT WITH MY OWN BRAIN AAAAAA

あ：NO BABY JUST ASK!!!!! XU!!!!!

つ：OF COURSE I WIULD ALWAYS SAY SUCH A THING!!!!!! Well the spell doesn’t make me do flourishes I can make sure I say I will always want to take care of you directly in your ear….

あ：must embellish shudders dramatically it's like wait. keep going

つ：What are we doiinnggg💞 I love taking care of you….

あ：[grips your sweater]

つ：I would never want to do anything else. Nothing else is as important…. If this was the only thing left, that would be all that I need

あ：[reduced] … really.

つ：Of course❤️

あ：hueeee….. simmers

つ：This is all any of it is for….

あ：baby needs to hear it. the soothe.

つ：I only want you to be happy. Anything that makes you happy, Amane….

あ：[nods while tucked against]

つ：That’s all I’m ever really trying to do.

あ：… I like that. About you.

つ：Melts

あ：…… I like that it feels… like you're never thinking about anyone else…

つ：Mmmmmmmmmm

あ：👉👈

つ：Screeeee

あ：It's ummm easy. everything else is hard…

つ：You wouldn’t like me tied up in too much else…..

あ：[grips] NO. nooo never ever never.

つ：Heehee….

あ：Don't ever get tied up !!! In other stuff-!!!

つ：Okaaaay❤️ you know I have to do whatever you say…..<3

あ：u…………. yes.

つ：I think the compelling spell is taking me over… maybe magic can get worse, like a virus….❤️

あ：Really.

つ：I think soon, I’ll do anything you say, always, no matter what.

あ：Oh……. ………………

つ：(Not really but he’s so cute I need to make it true xD)

あ：fucking… experiences tongue lolling emotion actually??? looks like. normal hanako for a second its like hm….. …. i like…. the sound of that I hope you get sick.

つ：Ah, you do…..? Ah.

あ：It would be fun.

つ：it would.

あ：n_n …🎶

____________________

つ：I was idly reflecting upon the AU tsukasa rly seeing the normal hanako like a fucked up sex beast It’s just funny for someone to look at hanako like ahhnnng…? Sex BOY

あ：He has wandered there mentally now and again. it is still like… stimulating conceptually it is just funny for someone to be able to perceive the whole look & demeanor as accostingly sexual like jesus…

つ：Nene and tsukasa are just young and innocent in canon Nobody mature looks at hanako

あ：They look at their guy and their little peanuts like vibrate but it can't be so conscious

It's like if Tsukasa wasn't. stunted by such crazy events. and his Amane is so humble that fanciful boy with all his embellishments. gold buttons and whatnot. is just like [tilts down sunglasses] but like the thought of. managing to get your dweeby amane ina gakuran is a funny step 2 like. some real octavius rex shit

つ：We respond unconsciously to it

あ：all done up. but like Meep.

つ：Maybe you put him in the gakuran actually and he’s like damn I feel hot

あ：I think once he looks at his reflection he will feel it actually

つ：Sticks tongue out

あ：but i like to think the first few seconds are like [clueless]

つ：Why did tsukasa want me to try this…. Stands in mirror. Oh hey

あ：Stares Turns around hmmm… [grasps brim of hat] Uah. cool. it looks cool

つ：Kakkoi

あ：kakkoi na....

つ：He is a lame little guy he can simply find it edgy

あ：All black…

つ：Tsukasa, you really just had a dream I wore this? No mouth looking at Amane

あ：Tsukasa in after school hanako kun like 👉👈 about the tea set

Amane is just muttering, wish I could've seen your dream now… sounds fun Does a stretch sits down on a surface and kicks leggies

つ：Hnnnbgngg

あ：If only our uniforms were so stylish we could match.

つ：(Rudely) it wouldn’t really suit you though…. (Amane thinking) you know in.. my…. (chooses to bury immediately) nvm Don’t wanna think about the tsukasa I dreamed about actually

あ：lmao rude… but yes forced to dwell like ah he was ina different……… wait.. nevermind. You cant even begin to crystalize the thought of Tsukasa wearing fanciful pleated things

つ：Like THIS tsukasa? Lol….

あ：She would be interesting

____________________

あ：Fsr this is like a train of thought I've been having like, half-formed before bed for a few days, it's just arbitrarily picking up a sort of "in media res" situation between AU yugi8, where Tsukasa has already set up Amane to get laid and this is the circumstance etc. and Nene is just on the wild ride. The first time Amane puts it in there's this completely wordless acceptance about him finishing inside like. I mean there would be no negotiating it, he's holding Nene extremely tightly in place and buries himself as deeply as possible before doing it. Tsukasa like doesnt, care, because its like [internally] I will just make Nene-chan infertile it's fine. [dismissive] … but it's funny bc Nene herself is also like 💭 it's fine i'll. find a spell. her. what-EVER. everyone's just like swallowing this down whatever. except Amane really who isnt having a single solitary thought about any consequence.

… no one in the situation is really prone to thinking about meaningful consequences of nut inside (not a braincell between you all wrt this stuff) but BUT, I think Nene could feel a way about… like… what the gesture itself means coming from Amane… like, even if it doesn't scare her, I think the subsequent instances of being nutted in will make her a little more "." …. quietly thinking about this… in the simple sense of, 'ah… Amane-kun really doesn't… think he ought to, ask or, anything, d-does he…' It's kind of scary lol, he's so serious during sex each time actually, and she's already seeing a degree of ehm. Passion. that hasn't existed elsewhere. She's been totally flipped on and ensnared and this is crazy and all. Scary. but like //// i mean accepts. Oh I'll do whatever I have to. [gets on all fours]

and like in general thinking about Nene having to really load in. digest. Amane's selfishness. really feeling like a piece of meat. It's the complete lack of conversations or asking if things are OK before doing them

つ：the charm of amane being the Normal Boy and therefor you read his actions like he's just normal, not aware you have an extra layer of relative control due to magic and don't face mundane problems so much….

あ：Uhuh. like from HIS perspective…

つ：Amane-- in all realities. shall never even be a pull-out king, much less a condoms boy. he's so far from it. he's far too indulgent of a person….

あ：Not gonna do it. and not going to open a dialogue about how you feel about it

つ：its funny, most boys (especially shy ones) are like aahh no wait not my… gross come in your mouth… tries to pull out…. but Amane will definitely just shove to the back and come down your throat. he is not thinking about it

あ：it's just like, baseline, this is the sex we are having pulls her forward by the hair as he does it

つ：in the moment he is only: FEELS GOOD FOR ME

あ：it's like OH GOD I NEED IT DEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!! not going to compromise even a fraction of it w but this is a Nene that can really appreciate being reduced to like her pussy . SUPREMELY OBJECTIFIED….

つ：I think Amane's problem in all realities is this inability to resist a vice

あ：a sort of negative self control base stat

つ：deep down all nene are down to be reduced this one just. will have less of a crisis about processing it and already knows she is a skank

あ：simply leaning into it. oh let the bodies hit th flor I think his rudeness is just stunning but in a way that leaves you fascinated. like finally Amane has some gumption to pull you both out of the middle of class but its because want to fuck. in a closet or something. and it's like jesus….

i think a lot about the scene in oyasumi punpun where aiko is liek nnno my period… [stopping hand] but this just means it fluidly transitions to a blowjob I really imagine its like. this kind of wordlessness

つ：its like oh i see. [changes course]

あ：if its like ohghmh fh im sore…. its like blink. okay.. [tugs down]

つ：mouth is fine tho

あ：nothing wrong with that [still unzipped and all]

Tsukasa lauds her graciousness with it all. nene-chan… faito

つ：he's like awe what a good girlie… I thinkt his is waht canon tsukasa feels about nene too, really! like just pleased with her gumption and her commitment! its all like… ah you really DO like Amane❤️

あ：i think the funniest circumstance is one though where Nene is like doing small spells to like do basically a plan b style kill da sperm. but Tsukasa has wordlessly made her barren

つ：I already have everything set in place girl its funny if she can actually notice this. and then later tsukasa is just like grin❤️ [FEELS.. VIOLATED. BUT FINE]

あ：winks its the most unchill thing ever liek you know how the world generally regards fertility

つ：its like lol you cannot entrap my prince a moment nene is just like … aware even if she was insane and wanted something. tsukasa is the. more potent wizard so. m

あ：😜 tsukasa is like. the ref. like.💔 I'm sorry. but my baby doesn't need that stress He'd just get all nervous. poor thing. Our priority is Amane… naturally.

つ：she's gotta submit .. it is… probably a good thing amane has tsuaksa there… if it was another girl, you know… someone ah, crazy in a different way… well, you can see how amane is. vulnerable

あ：

I think in moments like this Nene feels quietly put in her place. not like it's what Tsukasa is trying to do, its just that, sometimes you can forget there is this element going on and then you are reminded and it's like "ah…." 🙇‍♀️…

other things i thought about briefly was like. well in general this Amane confronting urges like, in real time with himself, this whole forray is such a case of activating sleeper cells. that i like the thought of not even meaning to, but being a lot rougher with Tsukasa one day, and this entrances everyone in the room to witness.. like it's a first time thing. we've gotten acclimated to Amane being kind of uncouth and rough from sheer eagerness, but not with like, something as pointed and unprompted as just grabbing Tsuaksa by the throat while he was speaking. not even saying something he didn't like -- i mean, if anything, saying something he really liked…… it's like everyone goes quiet because of how different the energy got. for a second. but it's like flying too close to the sun for a sec and amane releases while feeling mystified like… 6.6

?? ………… ?? [guy who doesnt watch porn voice] what the…

つ：Amane who is usually not… stopped by anything. and tsukasa as well is not typically altered in expression-- ah I feel like.. nene typically in fleeting moments during sex with Amane… looks around the room, and, it feels like tsukasa is a static figure-- just with a ^^ expression always, pleasant and watching. you fade in and out, you sometimes forget he's there, you sometimes are so focused on amane….. but when he fades into view, he's never any different, whatever is happening-- however rough or easy amane is being

あ：The baseline serenity this Tsukasa kind of maintains

つ：I think it adds something… mm I think she'd actually… come to like this… feeling, subconciously, of being the 'disadvantaged' one… once she completely understands how Tsukasa is with Amane… you know that… if Amane wanted to do something… anything… Tsukasa would not stop him. He would stop you, from stopping him.

she could fight Amane 1 on 1, she has magic as a trump card, as well as Amane not being-- er--strong or particularly capable physically, she's squirrely and wiley and somewhat trained in self-defense as a witch… and yet, that sort of proactivenss about her safety… doesn't mean anything if Tsukasa is here

but subconciously that feels…. good. feels good to be bottom rung you sortof… dont know about your own, fetishes

but it would be a little sad to be able to overpower amane objectively. this nene is a self-possessed person, she has skills and confidence and is a skank, she is liberated….. but that's not her true heart's desire, to be Amane's cool witch gf

あ：One couldn't even say Tsukasa "balances" things as much as he completely skews things entirely in Amane's favor only. This isn't like things even out 50/50, it's… more like all points get put in Amane's basket. Perhaps before this Nene thought Tsukasa was more self-motivated and wanton, doing things for his own sake, and not afraid to string along his brother. futsu little Amane. but in reality all of Tsukasa's whims are like irrelevant in the face of whatever Amane desires. and… in reality, most of his magic, attention, effort, revolves around Amane.

I like that one has to think of Tsukasa as clever in this world, there's no other way to word it. like 5 steps ahead of you and totally disaffected by anything you pull. just like hehe ^^ cute of you. … you know if anything happened, he'd have a better reaction time than you ever could

the sheer loyalty also means there's just 0 hesitation about anything. this is someone who would disregard your autonomy to any degree in an instance. if it is what Amane wanted.

… but idk i think it must be interesting to be aware of all of this… but also know there's no ill intent towards you he does like you

つ：he has the world's most pristine sublimation of flight or fight reflex and can think on the fly and it will be all means be in Amane's favor every time so 'trying anything' is only asking for yourself to get dunked

あ：You cannot fight it sometimes i think the optics are kind of cute, it slike…….. in truth………………….. tsukasa is like the "familiar"……… but being a slave to someone who has no magic skills and doesnt even know you do magic. idk it all seems so cerebral doesnt it like damn tsukasa

つ：I wish Nene in canon could. like understand this is also her circumstance you know

[rbl-m1a2tanker]

Droppin some thoughts (is long)

So, I've got some thoughts I want to send out.  Things that have been percolating in the back of my mind for a long while.  Some folks may not agree with them, which is fine, you're allowed to think differently from me of course.  But if it bothers you to the point of anger or being offended, you've got bigger problems and should really look deep within yourself.  Or don't.  I mean, I'm not your dad, can't make you do anything.  :P

But as I was saying.  

Change is inevitable, for good or bad.  Society has been changing since time immemorial.  It's just part of human nature that things will change and adapt and co-opt as new information or awareness becomes part of our social fabric.  There are people who will dig in their heels or stomp their feet and scream and fight against it, sometimes even violently.  There are people who will grind their teeth and grouse that we're not going far enough.  And then there's everyone else that's between that.  It's a bell curve.  Most of us probably reside in that middle area for most subjects, and may lean further in one direction or the other on specific things.  

Those specific things are pretty hot button items, exacerbated and built up far more as forms of dog whistles, misdirection, bad faith arguing, whataboutism, fear mongering and outright hate.  Things like:

Gun Control Abortion Trans-gender people Gay people Ableism 'wokeism'

Some of you may already be getting your hackles up just at the mentions.  :P And some of you may be ready to cry out that I'm some liberal pinko communist twinkle-toe hippie (or some variation of that) on what I'm going to say about those subjects above, but let's get this out of the way first: I do not identify as Liberal or Conservative.  Maybe Progressive, but I don't know as much about that particular leaning as I probably should, so I won't swear to that one. What I am is very much anti-authoritarian assholes, regardless of which direction they lean, such as Republican or Democrat in the US.  I'm also pragmatic and a historian.  I'll come back to that last bit in a moment.  Let me just break into each of those subjects above with quick snippets of my thoughts.

Wokeism: first off, what the hell stupid shit is that?  'You're too WOKE!'  Soooo...you want to be 'asleep' and basically be a 'sheep' who follows blindly?  That sounds amazingly dumb.  And kinda dangerous.  Here's the thing: we have a greater awareness of things than we did before, and we're more plugged in to what's going on in the world than we did before.   This is a GOOD thing.  To be a good citizen and member of society, you need to be aware of not just what's going on locally, but also nationally, cause the national shenanigans that take place can and will affect you locally too.  So people claiming things like the US military is too 'woke' is...god, so facepalm worthy.  The military is a reflection of our society, and in more pragmatic terms, they what to make sure that they have an effective fighting force, which  means you need to draw from as large a pool of recruits as you can.  The US military though is incredibly resistent to change (looking at you, Marines).  So calling them 'woke' is stupid.  The term in general is stupid.  And frankly, some of the things that people who are anti-woke are going on about are things that should actually be considered courteous.  

That leads to the subjects of trans-gender and gay people.  More people are comfortable coming out and owning what they feel they are.  I personally don't feel that way, and I straight up don't understand it, but I also don't have a problem with it.  You know why?  Because ITS NOT ABOUT ME.  Let them do their own thing.  They want to date someone of the same sex, knock yourself out.  You feel your brain is wired in a way that makes you uncomfortable in your skin and so changing yourself physically is the only way to correct it?  Well, I don't get it and personally feel it's kinda odd or weird, but I'm also coming from a position of being comfortable in my skin and my sexuality, so I cannot truly internalize what it's like to think or feel that way.  

But I can be courteous.  I can accept that this is a thing you did or are doing.  Its not my thing, but then, it's not about me.  It's about them.  So, I'm at least aware of it and if I misstep and use a wrong pronoun or make a joke that doesn't come across right, then I just need to be corrected and I will do my best to adjust myself.  It's courteous, it's polite, and it's respectful.  Because, again, it's not about me.  I'm going to screw up.  I've been on this planet 43 years now, so I've got a lot of engrained behaviors in place.  It's going to happen, usually when I'm not thinking about it.  I acknowledge this, but I also accept that I can adjust myself too.  It's just gunna take time and practice.  I can do that.  Cause there's nothing wrong with being courteous.  I don't have to understand it to be able to take it in stride and adjust course.  Maybe I won't even like it, but...it really doesn't matter if I like it or not.  In the end, it's a non-issue, or at least should be treated as such.  

On the subject of Ableism, I don't really understand that very well, which is something I will try to dig into further to come to grips with it, but my initial thought is that our position should be the same as above: be respectful and courteous.  Don't mistreat someone just because you don't agree with or like what they are.  Seems like common sense to me, but common sense is just not as common as one would think (and probably varies greatly depending on your area and what everyone there thinks is common sense).  

Now, on Abortion and Gun Control, here's where my historian background comes into play a bit.  

Did you know that the NRA used to help craft gun control legislation?  Yea, that organization that lobbies soooo very hard to stop any attempts at gun control ever since the time of Charlton Heston and Columbine, used to be totally in favor of it and helped to make it happen (until gun companies had their own people get leadership positions and wrenched the organization away from a focus of responsible gun ownership and more into a shield for the gun industry).  And Abortion?  That also wasn't a problem decades ago.  But now both have been made into massive issues by interests that like to either protect their profit margins, or to stir the pot and clamp down on peoples autonomy.  

My thoughts: we do need to have an actual conversation and do deeper research when it comes to gun control.  Because I feel that there should be some in place, and the Supreme Court has even confirmed that at times.  Hell, I wrote a paper on it in college making that point.  But we have to have that conversation, come to some concensus about certain aspects of firearms, instead of just screaming "NO! MY SECOND AMENDMENT!" (slightly exaggerating the reaction).  And abortion is something that is a very deeply personal situation that should really only involve the principles involved (aka the potential parents) and that the option shouldn't be restricted or taken away, cause most of the opposition to it is religious based (and they really don't seem to care what happens to the child and parent after the child is born..hmm, interesting).  If you take that option away, they're just going to find a way to do it anyway.  And it'll probably be a lot more dangerous.  

Am I equating those two subjects as being similar?  No.  Am I hypocrtical in saying we should be more restrictive with guns but less so on abortion?  "If they're just going to get an abortion anyway, then if you restrict guns they'll just get it anyway and make themselves criminals!"  That's a bad faith argument right there.  They're two very different subjects that require their own specificly crafted solutiona, and conflating the two and claiming I'm being hypocritical is a bullshit argument to make.  And conviently ignores my points as a way to be dismissive of them and not actually try to work on solutions to the benefit of society.

Am I going to provide sources for these things?  Honestly, not in depth.  But here's one quick example for the gun control and abortion bits: "The NRA assisted Roosevelt in drafting the 1934 National Firearms Act and the 1938 Gun Control Act, the first federal gun control laws" - time.com

On abortion, from wikipedia (not a primary source, but does have a decent bibliography to good sources that go more in depth if you want): "Abortion has existed in North America since the European colonization of the Americas,[21] was a fairly common practice, and was not always illegal or controversial.[22][23] " [21] = article Abortion in early America [22] = book When Abortion Was a Crime: Women, Medicine and the Law in the United States, 1867-1973 [23] = article The complex early history of abortion in the United States - National Geographic

To sum up: people should be allowed to live their lives without being hassled or restricted based on things like religious beliefs (which you can have, but YOUR religious belief does not and should not dictate what goes on in my life or anyone elses).  

Also, evangenlicals, shut up about being 'oppressed.' You're not being oppressed, get over yourselves and stop playing at being a victim.  I don't see any of you being arrested and shoved in any camps, or followed and hassled by cops just because you go to church.  

Just treat people respectfully, courteously, and politely.  You don't have to agree with their decision, but it doesn't matter if you agree or not.  It's not YOUR life, it's theirs.  But if you attempt to force your beliefs on others, you're in the wrong.  Period.  And frankly, if you don't want to be around them...don't?  It's not that difficult to just...not be around them?  They probably don't want to be around you either.  And if they're an asshole, then definitely don't be around them.  Otherwise, just don't worry about it.  

Last note: I have pretty much written all this off the cuff and have not shown it to others to get their thoughts in advance, or dug around for sources beyond the quick ones I dropped up above.  This is the 'raw and unedited' version. :P Take it or leave it.  

No TL/DR version.  I'm lazy at this point and don't wanna try to sum it up.