#here's how i think it should've happened
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#why do you need this many legs sir#toedscruel#woah holy shit i just looked outside and it's super dark out. i'm queuing this up at noon why is it so dark#lemme look#yeah it's. dark. there's a bunch of dark evil clouds in the sky lookin like it's gonna storm oh i just heard thunder yeah it's gonna storm#uh oh. good thing i'm queueing this guy up before the storm so my power doesn't go out. this happens frequently#anyway toedscruel. it's definitely an evolution of toedscool. it definitely looks like tentacruel#if it's a different pokémon why does it evolve into something so suspiciously similar. i can understand wigglet and wugtrio being#different pokémon. just based on how different they are from diglett and dugtrio. even though their names are a typo away#but this guy is. it. really should've just been a regional form‚ i think#unrelated‚ but on random occasions seemingly whenever someone new finds the blog and reads my tags#i'll occasionally get folks asking me how i type commas in the tags#the answer is that this character → ‚ ← is not a comma. it just looks identical to a comma because of tumblr's font#it's actually a lower quotation mark. so for a language that does ‚this kind’ of quotation marks#and i use it as a comma because i have a fancy linguist keyboard that can type all kinds of fancy symbols. and it's easily accessible#some of my favorites include the single-character ellipse: …#the degrees symbol: º and °#small A: ª#fractions: 1⁄2 2⁄3 1⁄4 etc#and obviously IPA symbols and various diacritics‚ so that i can type the word pokémon without having to copy-and-paste the E#currency symbols‚ too. £¢$§¥ euro is on here somewhere but i don't know where bc i don't use that one really#i just like being able to type things the way they're supposed to be. like it's 80º outside. the stopwatch costs 15¢ in the shop#and‚ of course‚ pokémon. it's the linguistics and computer 'tism combining together i think#it's storming harder now but i found the euro symbol: €#oh fuckin hell my lights just flickered. this is gonna be rough..!
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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wips i don't think i'll be able to get to before my free time disappears:
special treatment:
after this:
#when a comic wip comes in at like 4+ pages i need to be assured that the behavior i've given xan isn't too ooc#before i can comfortably commit to it and properly finish it bc imagine committing to a 7-pager only to later go 'wow my writing sucked'#or 'wow i have no idea how this fits into their timeline' and think 'i should've put this effort into a different wip instead'#so quite a few 4+ page wips are in Wip Limbo bc i haven't done the xan character audit yet#and it's like either i spend my time committing to one of them or i take that time and make a new wip to take a new shot at it#but the thing is every new wip assumes my existing possibly-ooc wips have happened... so now i'm like... Just Post Them lol#not even 0.01% of u guys have even seen him in game so there's no need to fact check anyway. im free to Have Fun out here#sovo art#xan x radri
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i'm supposed to be studying but i have a hot take which is that could we start again please should have been an ensemble number mostly led by mary and peter's verse should've been divided to him, john and james if not more of them
#🧅#like think. sort offf but not exactly stay i pray you from anastasia.#it only makes sense being a duet between mary and peter in 2012 arena where it actually build a dynamic between them#otherwise like. where did peter even come from. that guy is Not an equal part to mary#i actually do like it as it is i just haven't seen many productions that have worked out how it clicks in my brain#i understand the show can't be 2000 hours long and im just biased and want them to talk abt mary constantly but ideally i think peter's#character should've been used to kind of ground mary. cause yeah she does love jesus but also realistically that guy does Not give a shit#about her. mary is forgotten about the moment she's out of his sight. somebody needs to tell her to girl get up#which is sort of what happens in 2012 arena! there's this part after the last supper where mary kind of hesitantly goes to approach jesus to#comfort him and peter just takes her adm and he's like girl. get up let's get out of here. and she leaves#and tbh we love to see it
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I'm literally itching to draw something for arcane s2 but I'm completely buried under university stuff, man I wish we had 14 days a week 😭
#I have two translations due tomorrow#one due Thursday#and a very big lit translation project by the end of next week#I'm also helping my little brother with a biiiig project like a conference speech!!!#which is a very good thing btw like rn that's my number one priority I'm so so fucking proud of them aaaaa#but yeah with everything going on now I don't think I can squeeze in some art for a week or so#it's alright the ideas and motivation will wait for me!! (self reassurance)#shrews ramblings#I will now be rambling about arcane s2 a bit so don't read further if you wanna avoid spoilers#there's so much to unpack what the hell 😭😭😭#I'm holding the caitvi kiss scene sososo close to my heart <3#ignoring the breakup that happened in the same episode fhskdhjshdjdh#also cult leader Viktor yay??#I have so many thoughts on that one#the fact that unlike in league here he didn't do that to himself#it was Jayce#fucks me up so bad#especially with the 'I should've died'#I cannot take this guys#can we just talk abt how Mel is the only one person there still mostly stable and clear minded set on good goals?#and she got kidnapped?#we're so cooked#I'm obsessed with the soundtrack btw#heavy is the crown lives in my head rent-free#anyway#if I do sketch some stuff be prepared for it hehe
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When I first watched Onyx Equinox I thought Yun's behavior was a bit inconsistent. He spent most of the first half of the season trying to get K'in and Izel to stop fighting and trying to keep K'in in check, but by the end of the season he was picking fights with everyone except Izel, even K'in. Now just because he's the heart of the group doesn't mean he can't have his disagreements with other characters, or that he should just be the peacekeeper and nothing else, but you'd think the guy who never held a grudge against the boy who broke his leg and almost killed him would be more understanding of Zyanya's situation, or that he would be more willing to give Xanastaku the benefit of the doubt, but he isn't. And after rewatching the show many times I think his problem is that he has trust issues and that they probably stem from Maak.
Putting the rest under a read more cause it got kinda long.
Yun straight up called him out in episode 3 about all the things he's hiding from them. Also "Honoch Maak" means "Old Man" in Yucatec Maya, and if I remember correctly Sofia Alexander said that's not his real name in the podcast, so that's another thing he's hiding from the twins. And then they find out that he sold children into slavery, and you can see that Yun was more affected by that than K'in. So because of this he's probably wary of people who keep secrets.
This is especially obvious with Xanastaku. He's had mixed feelings about her since they met. Every time they make one step forward something happens that makes him doubt her again. Even in episode 10 he's still suspicious of her despite saving Izel's life because she didn't tell them she had that power. Even when she's helpful he still has a problem with her because she's not being fully honest with them.
Now Zyanya is a bit different because she did betray them and almost got them killed, and that's reason enough to dislike someone even when you don't have trust issues. But like I said Izel almost killed him and he never even got mad at him, he worried more about Izel's wellbeing than his own. So I do think that the fact that he was willing to trust her and she broke that trust and that she hid so many things from them played a part in why he had such a hard time forgiving her, and even after he did he still didn't really acknowledge her or interact with her. Even in episode 8 Xanastaku told him "Trust us. Trust Izel", possibly implying that's something he struggles with.
And on the other hand this could be a reason why he and Izel mostly get along. Izel is an open book, he wears his heart on his sleeves and he never lied or kept secrets from the team.
#onyx equinox#yun#probably stating the obvious here#or maybe i'm pulling this out of my ass idk#maybe he just hates women /j#but i saw someone say he was being an asshole in ep 10 and that got me thinking#also if it's true it's a nice contrast with izel who is too trusting#and i also wonder how he would react if he found out that k'in knew about xana's power#and kept it a secret for like 5 minutes lmao#i mean he should know technically right? cause yaotl heard them so yun should've heard them too#and probably didn't have the time to process it cause things were constantly happening#anyways. many thoughts about these characters
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Yuri's dialogue (JP) is so fascinating to study, like... the repetitive use of certain words/phrases that others use sparingly but he uses constantly. the way it feels like his vocabulary is more expansive than what he uses, but he defaults to a "comfort" level of speech. the way it mixes in with his sort of "street talk" words and the sheer level of informality. the way his "street talk" phrasing is contrasted by the tone of his voice (on that note, people I know who also know JP are also very endeared by these aspects of him so I KNOW IT'S NOT JUST ME!!!).
'cause the thing is, he uses phrases that yeah, other people do use, but he uses a handful over and over and over (contrast to other characters' sparing use of repetition). it's actually... really refreshing? it sounds more relatable and less "video game/anime/JRPG/RPG" writing or something, idk. like closer to how a real person would speak.
I do my best in my translations not to make things sound too stiff across the board, but Yuri makes it so easy. it's why I'm so interested in translating all his lines in Vesperia, like... the actual, original tone for him with his original wording because it's smth Eng only players don't get to experience ('cause even if you listen with JP audio, if you don't know the language, ofc you're gonna miss out on context. it's nobody's fault for not knowing, just... they unfortunately miss out). the thing is, there are a lot of times when the lines in and of themselves are not contextually incorrect in the English ver (usually the situation for smaller scenes, because they altered the text outright for more important stuff which was the stuff that originally set me off, but there were also plenty of cases of just vocal tone shifting with the correct context that still gave off the wrong impression), but Yuri's tone is shifted away from the original in Eng even though it's completely and perfectly translatable.
I am by no means about to translate the entire game because let's face it, I really don't care that much for Vesperia on the whole. I'm kinda stuck with it because Yuri's there lo and behold I actually am WAY more engaged in his stories in Rays, Link and Asteria because it's an amazing character put into circumstances where he actually gets to shine and feels more alive, which Vesperia did not provide nearly as well with its very disjointed story. also, Tales gachas have banger stories that are arguably better than the mainline games, and they regularly make Yuri a very central character to the gachas. Crestoria was also about to do it until they pulled the plug on that game and I'm pretty confident something interesting has been lost to the world. also I just generally don't have the energy or motivation to do that, so... I'll only be focusing on Yuri's lines, especially because his stuff is where the bulk of the messing around was. he's just insanely fun to translate for and I love burying myself head first into his speech.
will I actually finish this project? dunno. will I get around to posting it? whatever I get done (so all of it if I complete it), and if I decide to call it quits then I'll post what I have at the time I decide that. will it take a long time? probably, but I can always mention stuff along the way...
#GTF Vesperia Things#GTF Yuri Things#also the more I comb the script the more I properly notice all the uh... very awkward loc changes in smaller sentences in smaller scenes#like things that change the understanding of a sentence. or in Yuri's case just... the usual annoying personality shifting#noticing lots more stuff than when I did those big posts bc I was less focused on the tiny stuff/not side by side comparing#like a lot of this stuff is plot irrelevant and I knew it was littered around but I'm just getting#a bit more of a proper feel for it and how often it's there while studying Yuri's speech under a microscope bc I like observing him fkjhsjg#the fact that they're extremely largely consistent in tampering with Yuri's verbal (not just vocal) tone still has me LIKE.#but I'm fighting to ignore it so I can study my precious boy for reasons unknown beyond hyperfixation#also with Link I was actually mad at first bc they totally dropped the ball on Yuri's repetitive speech in arc 1. like it just wasn't there#there were plenty of times I noticed that normally he'd be SAYING those phrases but it just didn't happen where it should've#(like ''he'd def have said that here but it's not here'') Rays' main writer was not Vesperia's and she STILL got him down PERFECTLY#frankly I'd argue Rays' writing of Yuri is more correctly Yuri than Vesperia Yuri is which is oddly hilarious LOL#but mainly more that arc 2 Yuri is fucking WONKY sometimes but god knows most of my friends who know JP don't like that writer for#various reasons. somehow he pulled out that banger of a novel but arc 2 forget it. but yeah Rays just... really encapsulated YURI himself#the dialogue for him is spot on. not that Link and Asteria flunked with him bc they didn't#it's just that I think Rays and Miyajima gave the best quality of him bc the circumstances let him be more expressive#that said back to Link arc 2 did actually fix the speech issue so I don't know if they had different writers between arcs or just#realized they forgot to include those points of his character in arc 1 bc I know it wasn't the Link loc's fault#bc Yuri had full JP audio and I could hear that they just didn't have those things#but LORD the ACTUAL RELIEF that flooded me when arc 2 brought that shit back LMAOOOO#but yeah as far as Yuri goes he's absolutely fascinating and unique and he shines so bright in the gachas#it makes me really really sad that his home game is one I don't have much interest in#and that it's one that a lot of ppl feel the writing was wonky for (bc it was)#but I'm eternally grateful the gachas gave him opportunities to really shine as a character in great settings#bc it's not that he doesn't shine in Vesp itself. it's that the circumstances don't rly... allow him to be like PROPERLY unrestrained ig?#idk it's hard to explain. just. he was more. WHOOSH. I guess. in the gachas. yeah. like that. or smth. :')#sorta like. amazing character but not the best circumstances for him to show his true potential which I think he does in the gachas#bc the gachas have such great stories and scenarios and he's put into them#ANYWAY TL;DR YURI'S SPEECH IS FASCINATING AND I LOVE HIM
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honestly it's very on brand for me to have stuck to one canon for an ungodly amount of time and then suddenly swap it up last minute.
#harper.txt#i'm just sat here thinking how damned different arthur's pt ended up being this time vs. before again.#and i think coming back to it w/ fresh eyes actually did it a lot of good!#i have such a good sense of who he is what he believes and how it affects his relationships#obviously the biggest change being solas. i'm still trying to work out what the HELL happened there when i didn't make any different choices#they should've hated each other bc of fair weather friends!!
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throughout the series of drake and josh it pretty consistently implies that josh nichols is a christian (josh peck is jewish) and in the finale of the series helen (played by yvette nicole brown, not jewish[?]) is portrayed as a practicing jew
#i dont have a problem w either of those things necessarily i just find it interesting#if i had to guess. drake and josh was a mainstream that didnt wanna touch on religion generally#but josh was kind of a dork and usually when josh's religious beliefs are implied it is in dorkish ways#such as praying and thanking the lord after he has his first kiss.#but since dan schneider is jewish perhaps he wanted to make helen have a jewish wedding in the finale?#not that there needs to be a reason. but u do notice occasional jewish-related jokes in d&j but none of them are what you could call#offensive. in good faith that is. 'eric is a pacifist' 'i thought he was jewish?' like come on#text post#i have been rewatching drake and josh recently and i have had so many thoughts#im almost done. i just have left that stupid dance episode that they premiered last for the stupid reason#of a special dance-themed premiere night in fall 2007. they premiered the third episode of icarly and a new zoey 101 on the same night#which i think is so stupid. they should've aired really big shrimp last. it messed w my understanding of the series at the time lol#i remember not really knowing that the show was ENDING. like i knew icarly was starting & miranda was doing that#i thought really big shrimp was like just another special like go hollywood.#and then like two days later they premiered the helicopter episode for some reason#and i was like why is drake not famous in this. he just had a number 1 song in a superbowl commercial#and then a month later the dance one. which. if anything is satisfying about that as a final episode it's just that#that unnamed girl from the blues brothers episode who is obsessed w drake shows up again and congratulates them#and the very final line of the series is 'who is she?' because. because really who IS she?#that's a funny enough throwback to wrap things up with i suppose#drake and josh wasn't a highly serialized show so i can see how they could air those after the intended finale and act like it didn't matte#but i have to tell you it did fuck with my brain a bit at the time. lol. i still think of those episodes as having 'happened' after#and on paramount plus those episodes are still placed after really big shrimp. the injustice#but thats kinda messy. what a weird way to end such an influential and popular sitcom#season 4 had a few lowpoints while still also having some VERY solid episodes.#idk. ill have to continue my series review another time im getting way too longwinded here#helen dubois is jewish
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#update for my friends here#(and then I gotta go read aristotle lol)#I'm doing ok. I think maybe I've made some friends here. particularly a couple of girls on my hall who have been very kind to me.#wish my emotions would come back and be normal#and by 'normal' I mean not just random crying whenever I try to sit still and think for a few minutes.#there's so much happening. my heart is pulled so many ways. I'm not sure how to resolve any of it.#and I'm aching for resolution.#but I think God is trying to show me how much more I still haven't done or experienced#even though a lot of times I feel like I've lived all of life there is to live and there's nothing left anymore.#I wish I had more trustworthy people in my life who are older than me and can help speak into this experience.#I need to call my parents and siblings back home. I miss them.#I keep questioning my decision to come here. maybe I should've stayed home.#I don't know. maybe it's all an exercise in trust.#I'm still afraid most of the time I think. I wish I could put that fear to death. I wish I could just lean back and trust.#everything just moves so fast.#if any of my post-college (undergrad at least) friends would like to give me tips for slowing down and being intentional with life#and relationships and stuff#during this phase of life--I am extremely open to hearing about them!#love you all <3
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Can ANYONE at all on this platform PLEASE be normal about Rogu ??
Posts that even do so much as mention the poor guy are scarce as is, but ALL OF THEM that i've seen treat him like he's some kind of shiny new boytoy for gay people or something !! Y'all ?? Does this make NO ONE ELSE uncomfortable ?? How ? The fact that I'm seeing this from the Yujikiri crowd of all people makes me supremely uncomfortable...
He's a child. He acts like a child. He's clearly stated to be the little sibling of the Rulid Trio. His main trauma is shown to be tied to strong abandonment, loneliness and self-worth issues, which he is seeking to heal by forging familial bonds with our main characters, which ends up putting him in the role of a little kid brother.
And people are seeing this character and thinking about how hot he is and the myriad kinks they can associate with him ?? I'm sorry, but what...? The same people who rave about Eugeo being such a beautiful tragic character and how precious his relationship with Kirito is ? Those people ?
Honestly I feel like I just lost a mildly safe space here ( and I say only mildly because some of the shit some people say is extremely alienating to me as an aro person who yes, loves Eugeo and Kirito's non-platonic relationship. but seriously, how do you gayasses manage to uphold the rules of heteronormativity in your gay ship posts ? there's myriads of types of love and attraction that aren't romance ! you can do better at inclusivity ). Even just for browsing around, let alone interacting.
Truly I chose the wrong character to become attached to after my Lycoris binge.
#sword art online#sao lycoris#sao last recollection#sao rogu#rogu#i do wanna clarify this is not an attack on any specific user here#i've seen fantastic yujikiri posts and blogs and i've seen ones that make me want to scream and tear my hair out#in anticipation of anyone who would retort using something like this as an argument :#yes i do think shipping kirito and rogu is just as weird as shipping kirito with silica#silica can have her one-sided crush it's fine these things happen#but suggesting kirito should reciprocate ? big no no for me.#suguha is a different case entirely since she did have romantic feelings for him at some point but clearly those are fading over time#and their relationship as siblings is getting healthier too#but i'm not here to do a commentary on sao shipping in general#y'know. i guess i should've been expecting something like this to happen sooner or later considering how harem-focused the gameverse is#why wouldn't people want to sexualize every new character am i right ?#ugh.#what's true is that the design of rogu's outfit is definitely NOT helping people's view of him. hate that for me.#teka rambles#if people treated rogu half as decently as they treated silica i wouldn't be making this post
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Looking back on Detroit become human in the wake of the ai craze is like. The most morbidly funny thing to me One of these days I have to write something on how the story of that game just gets HORRIFYING when you view it through a (more) modern lens. Man
#This definitely isn't an original thought but as someone who devoted way more time than I should've to dbh#I just wanna share what's going on in me brain#Like. About dbh#Horrible racism allegory aside. A corporation creating robots meant to replace human workforces while like. People still have to rely on#Employment to uh. Survive. Is genuinely a terrifying nightmare scenario and the thing that's funny to me is dbh just doesn't seem to know#This. Like at all#It doesn't even. Like I don't remember it taking a second to reckon with the way the working class is forced to interact with the world#And how introducing what we're seeing in 2023 (ai being used to replace artists in most cases) on a mass scale is just. Unfathomably evil#And the game doesn't examine like. The corporation behind all of this at all. Like Cyberlife (from what I remember. Which isn't much) is#Effectively PASSIVE in the game. It's just like. Neutral robots and good humans vs EVIL humans who uh. Don't want to be homeless. I guess#Like you're not gonna even. Say a word. About the company willing to let this happen. Like this game has hundreds of scenarios and not a#Single thing that examines how a corporation effectively sentencing people to death for money is fucked up#You don't even need to incriminate the androids for this one man.#I don't know :) like there's a lot wrong with the game but it gets so much worse looking at it now#My thoughts are so disjointed man I just have words floating in me head that bounce into each other sometimes#Sorry about the rant! I'm scared of making this an actual post so it's tags now#Dbh#I think that was my tag for Detroit posts. I just want to sort it :')#rant in tags#Hope everyone's having a good day! :3 I'm sitting here thinking about robots :)
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#so I think ep 12 is really good - does it have problems? yes.#do I think Atom should've apologized to Boston's face properly? yes#do I think boston should've apologized to top's face properly? yes#do I think Nick's interesting choice words for his last convo with Boston were def harsh? yes#do I wish they did the fire topmew scene a bit differently to make it more poignant esp since they've been shitting on top? yes#so many things! And that's just ep 12 bc jfc if u asked me abt the other eps?...we'd be here all night#basically it's this - they are characters meant to rep early 20 something students who are so messy and flawed and reckless#will they each recognize every mistake they've ever made? noooooo bc WHY WOULD THEY??? WHEN ITS ABT THEIR PAIN!?!?#THEY ARE THINKING OF YHEMSELVES#THATS HOW IT IS SOMETIMES - I DO THE FUCKING SAME THING#it feels v much like the end of edge of seventeen where you're with a character you've bonded over for an hour and a half and realize#NO ONE is going to apologize to them - not truthfully or fully or genuinely or etc and it's sad and heartbreaking and painful#but newsflash - it happens#and don't think you've done it right all the first time and apologized rightfully - and if u did?? It's bc that person mattered to you!#these 'friends'??? while yes they are - they also are not#im fucking surprised they all stayed friends tbh bc they don't truly make sense long-run but they have that business together so let's see#let's face it - it's the friendships it's the meanings it's the labels it's the community it's the assumptions it's the lack of words#ya'll saying you want toxic but can't handle when everything is not fair#and it isn't fair! there's exec decisions there's editing decisions there's casting decisions! bruh. it was set up from the start.#editing based on audience reaction? bruh. played right into their hands#blabber time#please ignore me#not even gon put the tags bc ya'll vicious as fuck when it comes to your characters while valid I'm tbh too tired to hear abt
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Finding this in my activity feed a couple days after finding my first white hair is a hell of a thing. I am tumblr's aging userbase.
#didn't quite make it to 40 but at least I got over halfway there lol 💪#here's hoping that when it really gains momentum i go either silver or fully white#gonna steal jamie lee curtis' hairstyles when that happens#also 9 years on this hellsite holy shit#not even gonna think of how much time I've spent on here in those 9 years#almost certainly more than I should've 😅
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I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"
#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like....#And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others#deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of#my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is#just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the#Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult#Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing#and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do#and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions#on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc#Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always#explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's....#Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like#And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be#Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly#That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND.#Anyway again this is years away but#I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey#ramblings //#Diary //
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#I had an interview recently yay!!#but I don't know how well I did and it's making me nervous 😂#I'm starting to notice a pattern about myself. if an interviewer asks me “what would you do if [insert situation here]?”#my brain immediately imagines myself in the situation but the current me. not a future me.#my interviewer asked me what would I do if a customer complained about a certain problem?#and I didn't know the answer because I haven't gotten the job. this is an interview. I haven't been trained and therefore I don't know the#protocol. so how could I know what to do if a customer complained to me RIGHT NOW about the specific problem?#So I told the interviewer that I didn't know. I would ask for help. because.. the current me doesn't know the process? because I'm just a#potential employee and doesn't know the rules?#And looking back at the interview now.. I should've just said “I would follow the rules regarding that specific problem the customer has”#not whatever I said 😂 “I don't know. I would ask you” 😂#ugh maybe it's nothing. but ugh#the interview felt like it was ok but not great?? Hopefully I get the answer soon. and I hope I don't get ghosted#like. please I went though the horrors of the interview. at least tell me I'm rejected or not!! plz#Meanwhile. this pattern has caused problems at home and at work. throughout my life.#it doesn't happen often but... sometimes a person would ask me to do something Without Specifying The Time.#intending for me to do the thing In The Near Future#but my brain will automatically think that I have to do the thing Now#and simetimes I really really really don't want to do that thing Now. so I complain (I'm sorry)#but the asker is exasperated saying 'you don't have to do it Now! I meant sometime in the future!'#and sometimes after that clarification things go back to normal. but sometimes things get problematic instead.#this pattern of me automatically thinking 'in the present' whenever people actually mean the future whenever they don't specify time....#it can cause problems for myself unintentionally 😂😭 I hope it didn't affect my interview negatively#anyway sorry for the rambling#this random person's ramblings
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