#her sister was there too but she doesnt like me so much. shes not a caution dog shes just grumpy
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this soundtrack genuinely makes me so emotional like damn. the jack vs fiona scene at the end of ep 2 is already so perfect and then they had to go make this beautiful as hell ost with it too. those bastards
#yeah im gonna gush abt the borderlands ost again#it slaps so hard and i dont see many people talking abt it SOB#but this one especially got me by the balls#cause it really adds to the intensity of the decision of whether you should trust jack or fiona#like you can feel rhys' nerves and conflicting emotions through the soundtrack alone#cause even tho you yourself know jack is Bad and fiona is the objectively good option you also know that rhys has a different perspective#fiona is a pandoran con artist which should be reason enough to not trust her (dude is NOT immune to hyperion propaganda)#but shes also tough and survived for 29 whole years WHILE ALSO protecting her sister so she's gotta be doing something right#and even rhys could tell fiona is very genuine. plus they set out to find the vault together so he kinda has to trust her at some point#but then theres jack who hes idolized for so long and hes literally in his ear telling him not to trust fiona#but trusting jack means giving jack way too much access to his cybernetics and even tho hes a massive fanboy hes also aware of jacks nature#and on top of this hard decision theres also a time limit. like he had to make this choice on the spot#IM TELLING YOU MAN THAT SCENE IS CRAZY. I GET GOOSEBUMPS THINKING ABOUT IT#and no matter who you pick at the end youre always like 'well. this doesnt bode well'#because youve either essentially given jack access to your brain or youve pissed jack off and neither of those are good#rhys was in a lose-lose situation there#txt
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trying to conceptualize asc protag designs with picrew.
#not in the mood or position to draw cats so picrew#these are like. kinda razorverse i guess? idk? halfway? made it with them in mind but idek if these guys will make it into razorverse#uhhh frostpaw has the seal point gene from the bluestar family. shes got a fucked up family.#i was thinkingggg she and splashtail were siblings but now im considering that theyre first cousins through curlfeather and havenpelt#so its more similar to canon but theyre like. diegetically considered family#nightheart is following the ''hes the newest cinderpelt reincarnation'' change so no more firestar angst#but while i did wanna give him some orange i didnt wanna give him too much for the sake of recognition#so hes got a little bit aaand fucked up blue eyes that he loses when he breaks the cycle#sunbeam..... has nothing. i just kinda followed canon. i have no idea what to do with her. she doesnt interest me rn#maybe when i eventually get to asc in my challenge ill change my mind and suddenly she'll be my blorbo but rn i dont care abt her#besides making jokes that she should fuck nighthearts mom. or sister idk idc either one of them
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The whole point of Mahabharata and the introduction of kaliyuga is that absolute pureness will not suffice. That to be good is to suffer. That if you keep taking what the world gives you, you will die empty-handed, everything you own taken away. That is the whole point of Bhagavat Geeta. To give what you're given, not to keep bending until your back breaks, NOT to keep suffering because that is the good thing, at the hands of someone who has done nothing for you. It is insane that this man who claims to be so clever and smart is so, SO willing to become literally stupid just because it's the Good thing to do. It is unfathomable to me. This is pure stupidity no matter from what way you look at it. There are all sorts of religious shows to tel these idiots that you MUST take back what you're owed. It's literally YOUR right. It is literally what you are SUPPOSED to do. When you keep giving what you have rightfully earned out of the labour of your blood sweat and tears, you are not doing it for the goodness. It's going nowhere. God is laughing at you and is probably angry that you're wasting opportunities and resources and the blessings you were provided with for your benefit. Especially when you're not only responsible for just yourself but for people in your family as well. Especially when you're already so so close to suffering that you need all the extra resources you can to make sure you don't suffer. The whole point of Krishna is to accept the impure within you, to fight for your own self. Rama is become so relevant these days because people here are braindeads. This is not the satyuga, the moralities of that times will have you beaten down bleading on the ground. This is kaliyuga, in order to preserve yourself you need to weaponise cunning to save yourself. That's how it is supposed to be. You sit down and take and you keep on taking from every single person that comes across you. You think this is patience? To be unreasonably lenient to strangers and so hard on your family? Your wife and daughter? You think yourself so smart but you are so obviously stupid I laughed at your face because of it. You are hell bent on wasting away everything you are in the name of a false ideal that will not only leave you nowhere but will also drive you mad and who will take the brunt of it? Your wife. Your daughter. Because man is a coward who is so so scared of another man be it his own son. He will scream and shout and the littlest faults of his wife and daughter but not the son, he gets to be a no-gooder, he gets to be free with it in the name of I-dont-care-let-him-do-what-he-wants-hes-a-no-gooder-anyways. Not your mother or sister because they are women and you must service them because it is good and noble but your wife and daughter are not women who deserve the same treatment, no, you can blame them for the stress you've acquired by your own stupidness and claim to be all high and mighty. This man needs to open his eyes or I swear to god I will lose all respect.
#cannot believe this man pays 6.5k rent and just gave away more than the place he lives in in just fucking 4.5k#like he was legit close to suffering into building that house and all throughout it his wife was to blame bc she wanted a house#only to in yhe end fucking put the house up for rent like bitch stop me from throwing hands bc im so fucking close#and that too at fucking 4.5k????#IS HE INSANE IS HE FUCKING STUPID WHAT THE FUCK#hIS OWN BROTHET IS RENTING ONE FUCKING SMALL ASS ROOM FOR 3K AND THIS MAN JUST RENTED. BRAND NEW PRETTY ASS HOUSE WITH BIG ROOM SPACEOUS#LIVING SPACE MASSIVE KITCHEN AND PRETTY WASHROOMS AT JUST 4.5K?????????????#AND HE PLANS TO GIVE THE OTHER ROOMS AT 3K??????????????????????#AND HIS AIM IS AT 20K TOTAL ERANING WHEN IT HAS THE FUCKING GOOD POTENTIAL OF 40K????????#GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES FUCKASS STOP WITH THE GOOD PEOPLE BULLSHIT MY FUCKING GOD#honestly#my faith in men#has evaporated#theyre just born stupid#this man gives away his money to his ungrateful ELDER brothers (legit lakhs of it)#gives away money yo his sister and her children#doesnt even think of having it returned#yet hospitals are too much to take to for his own family#and everytime we ask for anything its “what is the need”#like yeah whatever your money blah blah but maybe dont marry and have responsibilities that you owe your family?#KARNA WAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BECAUSE HE WAS DAAN-DEVTA FOR FUCKS SAKE#im so fucking done oh my god#mahabharata#mahabharat#ramayan#krishna#karna#family#father#idiot
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Is that character gay? *points at Mine*
Allegedly.
#snap chats#depends on what day you check the wiki. schrodinger's homosexual#i couldnt FATHOM showing mine to my mom i know she'd be so annoying 😭😭😭#actually i cant even imagine what'd happen. 'is he gay' 'yeah' 'oh-' LIKE WHAT. WHAT NOW MOTHER WHAT HAVE YOU SAY TO THAT#like i think my mom asks that so much as a cope for my existence when i dont even like men mom As Per Usual mother you got it wrong#she's so weird because her. 'best work friend(? boss?)' is gay so she doesnt care about gay people she just doesnt like. me LMAO#but my moms selective hating aside i do wish i could show her characters i like#not because i want to bond with her but because it always seems funny when everyone else does it with their parents#but id just be too embarrassed ... or i can just imagine her saying like. every other chara is scary lookin. or ugly. liek my grandma did 💀#my sisters keep telling me to show her daigo since they think he looks like our dad and im always tempted to#god wait that just reminds me how when i did a daigo cosplay last year my dad saw me and he was like 'you're like a mini me :)'#like .... cmon dawg youre not helping LCKAEJLKCJAE love him. hope to see him again soon <- literally just saw him#wait while im rambling my dad came over and our 'uncle' (no actual relation just dad's friend) gave us. 12 fucking bottles of wine#when no one in this house drinks enough to warrant TWELVE BOTTLES ?? so funny. at least my sis and her husband drink#and i have one (1) friend who drinks LOL so thats cute. do i have any other unnecessary lore bits to drop before i disappear for a week#our ac broke and its been hot as balls. yeah thats it thats the end of it see you guys next week
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#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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as everyone is talking about bad media literacy i want to talk about a conversation my sister had with me about barbie. minor spoilers (first ~30 mins) ahead.
now, i still havent seen barbie (i get around to watching things very, very slowly, if at all), but i knew the basic gist almost immediately based on vague internet posts.
my sister is 15 and very into that kind of diet feminism that seems radical when you’re 15 and your worst oppression is your band teacher picking the guy drummer over you (which sucks, btw, esp bc she’s objectively better and more disciplined, but like, you know what i mean). i do my best to nudge her to more critical thinking and such, but i was a 15yo diet feminist once too, i know how it goes.
anyway, with those two bits of knowledge i figured she’d like barbie, get the messaging, all of that.
she texts me that night and says “ummm so i’m watching barbie and they’re hating on cellulite a lot. like it’s one of the major reasons she’s leaving barbieland and they have a banner that says goodbye cellulite at the goodbye party”
and i was like. baffled. bc i was under the impression that she knew how movies worked. i mean, we both poke fun at our OTHER sister who can never pay attention to a movie and always ends up making us pause it to explain plot points she missed, so surely she understands story structure, right? that the protagonist has to learn a lesson? it’s fucking BARBIE. i knew months ago commentary on beauty standards was probably going to play a big role. esp bc it’s greta gerwig but i don’t think my sister knows who she is.
so admittedly i was less nice than i could have been when i was like girl you do understand the movie is about barbie leaving her perfect girl world and having to come to terms with reality, right. and learning she doesn’t have to be perfect. like. i just needed to hear “barbie leaves barbieland and goes to the real world” to put that together.
and like. i haven’t seen the movie but what she described sounds REALLY over the top. a “goodbye cellulite” banner? very unserious. would not ping in my brain as The Message Of The Movie at all.
i am genuinely concerned that my sister was worried the barbie movie (2023) was going to be all about hating cellulite and upholding beauty standards. this kid is smart. she’s 100% open to and aligned with the movie’s messaging. what about when it comes to a piece of media she’s less open to? one that presents a stance she doesn’t agree with and then doesn’t spend the rest of the movie explicitly condemning it?
#bird noises#barbie#media literacy#idk idk#maybe i’m overreacting#but it feels bad to me#shes a self-proclaimed ‘bookworm’ too so like. she reads and stuff!#obviously OBVIOUSLY that doesnt mean much but still#(i put it in quotes bc its one of her character traits that is just blatantly stolen from me and her other sister. youngest energy.#and she doesn’t actually read that much other than that time she ripped through the whole percy jackson series#sorry am i making it too obvious that we have a complicated negative-neutral relationship sorry)#anyway. back to barbie and diet feminism
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Arcane season 2, act 2, got me crying on my couch by myself
#kee speaks#arcane spoilers#and its not even just the events happening in the show#but its got me non stop thinking about my sister#like on netflix itself: my sister was the one that set up the account and she gave me a profile on it#and so its just been her name and my name on the profile select#my bil never made his own profile he would just use hers#and he asked me if im alright with seeing her name on there still and i said yes its fine#so he hasnt changed anything so every time i open netflix i see her name and her profile picture is Vi#here in act 2 after the time skip and Vi's hair is now black and she looks so much like my sister#i already associated Vi with my sister becauss they are so similar but now with the black hair just like my sister#and at times accentuating the curve on the bridge of her nose just like my sister had#and then with Jinxs sorta adopted baby sister Isha#which already the first time seeing her name in the subtitles my heart stopped because thats the latter half of my sisters name too#there are other factors too but the gist is that this show just reminds me of my sister so much#and that ending with Isha just hit me very hard#i didnt even realize i was getting emotional until suddenly i was sobbing#😭😭😭😭#(doesnt help either that im still fighting this sickness too)
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here to tell you that im a yukari liker if there are 1000 yukari fans i am one of them if there are no yukari fans i do not exist idc she did all that shes still my silly my girlfailure
#i like that shes still a bitch to satoko after 13 🫶🫶🫶#in that tsundere way of oh let me do it cos im better than u u look like shit#i think she is so interesting.#like that interaction w asagiri just solidified my affection for her#because her relationship w asagiri is sooooooo ough#like her face when asagiri gives her the comb and she doesnt really believe it#she has this hesitance to accept that gift of affection right (i saw this comb and i thought of you)#and shes proven right because asagiri uses that to take advantage of her#hey have this comb now bring everything to my room#like yukari being. hesitant to accept affection from her sister is so so so telling i think#ok going into hc territory but i think thats why shinpei affects her this much#because she truly thought it was real and it was her only relationship w/o strings attached in a way#that he did everything she wanted and he said everything she said and wanted it said in return#and thats why when shinpei stops having sex w her shes like shit well was she being taken advantage of again was it fake like her sister#when she sees him talk to satoko and realises she never saw him that way#and he doesnt ask her to help w his wounds#and she doesnt want to acknowledge that it was one sided all along#that if satoko leaves then she can still pretend their relationship is real#anyway i think yukari and shinpei r similar in a way#and shinpei isnt lying when he says hes grateful to yukari#anyway i hope to see more of yukari!!!!!!!! i want more friendship w her and satoko!!!#i want yukari and shinpei to still be friends!!!!!!! In some way!!!#i dont want yukari to get another love interest because that person should be me (JOKE(#like yk her rs w her sister probs affects how she treats other ppl too#the need to be in control to be better than others always number 2#anyway. love yukari.#claude txt
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Ykno I think it's kind of funny how some people r so against sharing that they're into any fan stuff ever with Anyone they know irl. Then there's me. I'll tell my friends. I'll tell my family. I'll tell my COWORKERS. That I write fanfiction.
Like it's rly not that big of a deal I don't think. I like my funny little guys and I like to put them into situations. It's pretty normal.
#speculation nation#my dad sometimes mentions how he wishes id let him read my writing hfkshfj#my grandma too. and im just like#u guys wouldnt rly understand it Anyways and it's uh. well. 'personal' i tell them lmao#my sister has commented in such conversations that she has access to my writing but doesnt read it bc it's just not made for her#bc she follows me on here (Hi Sis if u see this lol) and obvs i have my works linked#then theres my coworkers. for the ones im chill with im like 'if u get into the thing im writing for then i Actively Encourage u to read it'#bc they count as friends and so im like. Look At It. u must hear about my little guys. i will tell U sooo much#i think my lack of shame about this stuff is bc ive long cast off the shackles of trying to be 'normal'#i know im not. i embrace it. if anyone else has a problem with it thats not my problem lmao#living a more authentic me. fanfiction writing and all.
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he finallyyy invited me to meet his sister who came to visit from the us!!! its happening im officially meeting his family this is so cute...
#he doesnt have many relatives alive and his father and sister live in the us so...#im so excited and so happy that he wants me to meet her and i hope we get along well bc she seems like such a lovely person too#he always talks about her with so much love its adorable... and theyre really happy that theyre spending these days together..#so him inviting me and them opening this space to share some of the time they have together with me is so special!!
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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On the one hand, the fact that neither of my nieces are into dolls is a huge bummer to me, mainly because dolls were such a huge part of my life when I was their ages and I would love to engage with them the way I wished someone would've with me when I was a kid.
...But on the other hand sometimes they're gifted dolls that they don't want, and knowing that I collect them, they'll hand em over to me.
#which is to say my older niece gave me the g3 ghoulia doll she got for christmas#mind you its still in the box!#i still feel weird taking it tho like i should ask her mom (my sister) if its ok#but at the same time i know she doesn't care and its not the first time she's given me a doll#monster high#monster high g3#ghoulia yelps#its funny to me that its ghoulia out of all of them tbh#i feel so neutral towards her that im not particularly excited to have her as much as im just happy to be given a free doll#the fact she doesnt have a stand is annoying tho cuz my shelf is full as hell#you know what tho the fact i didnt buy her makes me want to alter her a bit#maybe just her hair to make it more show accurate#id love to change her brows too becuz why the hell are they brown#tbh tho monster high has always been kinda weird about the eyebrow colors#text post#this was a huge tag ramble#i haven't seen my niblings in a while and haven't posted in a while so i feel like i got a lot to say
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God. One of my little sisters is such a bitch. She's done me some genuine damage in exacerbating my already social bad anxiety. But when I have dreams where she's been hurt or killed, it's so horrible bc she's still my lil sister :-(
#its bc last night my dad had a dream she was in a car wreck. he transferred that anxiety onto me#shes such a bitch tho.just like intolerant of things she doesnt understand. and she does not understand my unwell brain#i think she likes my youngest sistsr best now. which fair bc i do too but we used to be besties. we used to explore in the woods together#and play ellos and barbies and legos and poly pockets and magnets. and now we never text eachother. its sorta sad#its not just me tho. my youngest sister and i have a 4 year gap so we weren't really interacting much when were were little bc she was too#bby to me but shes such a genuinely lovely person now. shes a special ed and preschool teacher. i asked her mom how she ended up with both#of my sisters bc my middle sister is the most like entitled person i kno. like my parents r very generous and she doesnt think for a moment#about not accepthing things from them. she thinks shes owed that amd more. its so strange#and my mom was like. thank goodness i got the youngest bc otherwise id think something was wrong with me#im prob somewhere in the middle of them. my brain is just more fucked up so like im greatful but im struggling. theres not a ton of like#really obvious mental illness in my family tho. just here and there someone should b diagnosed and get a bit of help. my uncle is the only#other one who could possibly be bipo1ar but hes also got a lot of problems: severe adhd and possibly b0rderline. so it could just b that but#my dad says when u talk to him sometimes things just doent make sense bc hes had convos in his head wuth you so he thinks u kno already#idk. its interesting tho#unrelated
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Talked to my sister on the phone for three hours straight and it was probably the most personal we got with each other. Talking about the shit our parents put us through and how they never stopped the cycle of abuse. I was surprised because I told her i was glad our mom was gone and she wasn't mad at me over it which i expected. I also started crying during that conversation lol and we changed topics since i couldn't handle it. But like yeah. I also told her i was gonna try seeing my favorite aunt while in the hospital but i might leave before im able to see her because the only time she can see me is during spring break and i wanted to see her at least once. She was worried about me too. My dad didn't want me to tell anyone i was hospitalized because he doesn't trust anyone. I trust HER though. I love her a lot ever since I was little and looked up to her ever since I was little since I used to hang around her a lot when my great grandma was still alive.
Regardless, i told my sister about her seeing me and even if i can't see her here my sister said whenever shes free she can plan us three to do something together even if my sister doesn't like my favorite aunt. Since my dad only trusts my sister to go out alone.
I never got along with my sister a lot but i think all we needed like was a private conversation without our father knowing because i never get privacy and hes like really suffocating. He got mad and petty because i talked to my sister on the phone for so long and didn't call him for a while so that says enough 😔
#I'm just tired#i genuinely had sooo much fun talking to her#then called my father after and he made me feel really awful when i tried to joke with him#im tired im tired#he made me wanna kill myself recently#and i messaged my sister about it and she helped me out a bit#im so tired#i kinda dont wanna go back home#not anymore#but i do miss my siblings#i have talks like this with my brother too when we're inside his room#we are careful our dad doesnt hear#hence why we dont have them often
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the cup of coffee i ask my father to make never tastes quite like the one he made for me when i couldn't walk from the pain
#does he do it because he loves me or does he do it because i asked? can it be both? can it be neither?#does the sigh he lets out when i tell him he makes it better than i do sound like irritation?#will i ever be able to tell without watching his face so carefully that he can feel me staring?#what happened to that brave little girl that he called his daughter? where did she go?#i killed her some ten years ago i think. when i couldnt handle being me anymore and even my closest friends thought i was too much.#i think she would cry if she knew who i was now.#or maybe she wouldnt.#maybe she would smile a little bit wrong like she always does and ask me if i still play minecraft (i do)#maybe she would laugh when i told her i wasnt a girl and say “me neither” with the confidence only she could have#maybe she would draw a dragon for me and add a little curl at the top of its head to represent mine.#maybe her hands would shake a little too much when i asked her if she knew how much her parents loved her.#i dont think she did back then. i dont think she knew.#it doesnt make it okay. what happened to her couldnt be excused or pardoned just by saying they loved her.#but maybe it would sting less if she knew it wasn't out of hate.#my father gets out of bed at 8 every morning to feed the dogs because i cant.#does he do it because he loves me? or because he has to?#my mother takes off of work to take me to my doctor's appointments.#does she do it because she loves me? or because she has to?#my sister chipped in on the cost of my birthday present.#did she do it because she loves me? or because she has to?#i thought i was so mature when i was 12 years old. now that i'm the age i lied and said i was when i was 12 i have never felt so small.#at age 10 i thought i wouldnt make it past 13. and now i dont know what to do with my life.#vanilla if you see this somehow. if you find this and you think “ah. theres my girl. hello caroline.” i hope you're in a good place in life#i hope your streaming career goes well.#i hope you graduated and that you got into whatever thing you wanted.#i hope you forgive yourself. because god knows i will never forgive you.#i was just a kid. why? why trinity?#i had to tell my therapist that he was the first one to ever know about the full extent of what you did to me.#i hope you can live with what you've done. i still can't.#i dont think ill ever forget what alex said about me.
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so potentially got outed to my shithead uncle's girlfriend tonight??
#bats squeaks#explanation in tags so this post doesnt take up too much space#but my mom gave her a mug to use tonight and it was the one my sister got me last christmas that has they/them/theirs on it#and altho i didnt notice it (i was a little tipsy during dinner) apparently she noticed everyone calling me a nickname instead of my deadnam#e & started just calling me the nickname as well??#i asked my mom after everyone left if she realized what mug she gave her and she was like ''yeah? she seems alright with it'' LIKE.#mom ilysm that is Not the point. idk if she's gonna tell my uncle and if my uncle is gonna tell my grandfather and if THAT happens then i'm#outed to everyone!! i do Not want my uncle or my grandfather to know. i already know how gpa feels abt nb people and i have zero doubts that#chris is likely transphobic#ugh
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