#health-conscious choice
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Being mentally ill sometimes means learning to congratulate yourself for doing small things most people don’t have issues doing and would probably think you’re weird for recognizing it
Like going to college out-of-state and really getting to know a variety of people got me realizing my idea of kindness is not only shallow but damaging to myself and lowkey delusional lmao
And slowly trying to pull myself out of that fucked up intrusive mindset towards somethin more healthy without psychiatric help or support is difficult and has me like. Feeling over-the-top joy whenever I actually make a bit of progress, as ridiculous as it may seem to the outsider
#contrary to popular opinion me being a good person is a conscious choice#had to throw a joke in here being genuine makes me nauseous lmao#khaotic#mental illness#mental health
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you remind me of a time i wish i could go back to; a time in which i would obsessively read and keep reading about anything that interested me slightly. i would stumble into entirely new ways of thinking with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop, and learn to engage with it on its own terms. the ability got lost somewhere in the haze that was school and uni and people and work and now i’ve… lost the ability to think on my own. it comes maybe twice a month, in random bursts, and i fucking hate that i don’t have access to it continuously anymore. i hate that now when i’m bored i can’t think up stories in my head and chew on ideas in my free time. i see you and i’m so happy and so envious; i wish for my thirst for life back. i’m so tired. i’m saying this to you because, of all people, might be able to see it clearly. i respect the fact that you managed to retain it to adulthood or beyond is so much. you don’t know how much that means to me, as a young adult.
If it helps, I don't read nearly as much as I did as a kiddo. Like, not even remotely close. Quite frankly, I've only recently gotten back into reading lit, after years of only reading comics and manga, and not nearly at the volume I did before.
But! There are all sorts of opportunities to engage with stories and ideas and reconnect the synapses that spit where they used to spark. Once, in the throes of a heavy and prolonged period of uncertainty, I was gripped by the color of spray paint on the sidewalk on the way to pick up an espresso while sleep deprived. I consciously chose to stop and appreciate it.
Which is to say, I also get exhausted and burnt out and go through periods where I wonder if I've lost some fundamental part of myself. But then I rest or I change my routine or I receive an affirmation I didn't realize I desperately needed, and my verve returns, as it does. I think having pediatric onset bipolar disorder has advantaged me in this regard because even when I feel like nothing, I know that the intensity will return, and that it will continue to ebb and flow like the tides. I used to dread the ebb, but the ebb has its own value, too; in the ebb is where I nurture roots.
But to my earlier point, there are lots of stories and ideas buried in all sorts of moments. We can imbue meaning in the things we do as an observed ritual until it becomes habit until it becomes sincere. And for the periods in which we can't, it's worth remembering that the winter solstice is the longest evening of the year, but the sun will come back because it always has. In the meantime, you can stoke a hearth and sip on coaxed together warmth while tucking into your memory this grief so that you will recognize what you've been missing when it returns, so that feeling excited is remarkable enough to cut the present ennui. In time, you'll start to feel substance in the contours of the grief, too, because to be exhausted and numb and tired means that you exist enough to be anything at all.
And, if you're too untethered from yourself for even that, find something mundane and look for a glimmer of anything worth observing. If you can't find anything, choose to give some facet of what you see meaning anyway.
(It's not that the sidewalk was purple. It's that I chose to see that it was that particular, beautiful shade of purple rather than remain adrift into my own ether and, in doing so, tethered my intangible enormity in something tangible enough for me to stoke while I weathered the season.)
If you practice enough, this becomes muscle memory. Same with thinking on your own. I don't think reading is ever enough on its own anyway; sometimes, we mirror ideas and mistake them for our own. Or we encounter ideas but don't allow ourselves to be changed by them.
It's why it's important to engage intentionally, and it doesn't have to be with text. It can be with movies, art, those around us, our environment, our own understanding of the world, the condensation on a window. Mindfulness helps, but so does adopting the mindset of a toddler and asking why? Constantly. Again, it may begin as a rote exercise, but the more you do it, the more it becomes muscle memory. If you think you know something, consciously stop and ask why? Where did you learn that? What assumptions does your conclusion rely on? Could there be another explanation? Pretend you're someone else for a moment, a favorite character or historical figure or loved one. What would they think given the same facts? Also important is saying, like a toddler, because I said so! as the only reason you need. Try things for the sake of having not tried them before. There's a reason why Lao Tzu advises being like a newborn baby, soft boned with a strong grip.
There's very little I do, read, watch, or consume that I don't think about applying elsewhere, too. This is sometimes exhausting. But it's also where I get my well of passion. Because there's always an opportunity for meaning, my life bursts with it.
This doesn't mean I don't still have rough weeks or months or years. I have bipolar, adhd, cptsd, and social phobia; I have frequent insomnia and sleep paralysis, etc. etc. But I look forward to what I might learn next, and there's purpose and intention to how I experience even my lows. The life I'm currently living is so unlike where I came from, in part because I decided I wanted meaning and purpose. Before I knew what that was supposed to look like, I picked a direction and strove for it, feeling out what I couldn't see. I still do, when necessary. It will always be necessary.
So, while I don't know if what works for me will work for you, I can promise that something will excite you again, eventually. Adulthood isn't a linear decline or a separation from yourself. It's variable and dynamic, and you have agency in what you do with that. There isn't any objective meaning or purpose to be assigned, so you get to choose it for yourself, and it can be as variable and dynamic as you need it to be. So, if you don't want to grow into someone who can't think on your own, you don't have to. If you don't like your current state of mind, you don't need to settle in it.
tl;dr: It's not what I've retained, it's that I've ebbed and flowed and changed, and given myself the space to clumsily stumble towards what I want and what I value, even if I'm not always sure what those are. I'm letting go of the construct that I have to be anything, and I emphatically choose not to be lots of things. It's a process, and it's nonlinear. But nothing is, and there's grace in the inevitably of ebb.
#i dont mean to soapbox#or pretend i dont still struggle to let go of constructs that arent serving me#but i HAVE let go of so many#and people dont always understand or appreciate or like what im doing#or that what i have is more than it is or that it's easy or that im doing more than i am#and like without discounting luck and privilege and opportunities#i wouldnt have most of what i love and what is good about my life and mental health if not for conscious and discernible choices i made#not even really on faith so much as i have a version of atsushi's tiger in my own psyche that drags me forward#(literally reading 55 minutes was surreal because a passage is so close to things my mental health team have told me)#BUT#even then#there were choices i had to make to move forward rather than be dragged painfully#and there were times i didnt make the choices i should have#and i carried those not as burdens but as resolve to make the next right choice#because as overwhelming as choice can be#it's also really forigiving#so anyway yeah you can decide shit for yourself#and the more you decide you have choices. the more choices you have. because it's also a choice to decide there arent any at all#the choices arent always GOOD choices. but theres a kernal of agency. not to taunt you or punish you.#but to offer you again and again opportunities to make choices that you can live with
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Very True, but don’t forget that Eeyore chooses to actually show up and participate in the “adventures and shenanigans” his friends invite him to, as well. Eeyore strives to not allow his emotions to dictate how he lives his daily life. It’s a conscious choice…..one day at a time. This is truly what makes Eeyore, Awesome!!!! 🥰 Who’s also blessed to have a sincerely, genuine group of loving friends! ❤️
#Eeyore#depression#mental health#mental illness#clinical#chronic#strife#striving#emotions#feelings#personal goals#overcome#overcoming#progress#growth#self care#never give up#never give in#love#you are loved#one day at a time#struggling#keep trying#no perfection#one step at a time#health goals#choices#conscious choices#disney#winnie the pooh
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i kinda wanna do my final project for my english degree abt covid but idk cause no one at school gaf abt that
#i can write whatever i want as long as its vaguely on the course theme of intimacy#and i feel that covid has impacted my relationships and the relationships of other covid conscious ppl in ways that will never change#finding out that ppl u love who are kind caring social justice minded people will choose their comfort over others health. etc#making covid consciousness a major factor in my dating choices#finding new ways to socialize and to care for each other#how i feel like i have automatic friends when theres a single other masked baddie at a function#it wld either be a narrative essay interwoven w theoretical texts#or a meditation on pandemic literature#not sure. idk lmk if u have opinions i need to write a proposal soon
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my toxic trait is that if I make good decisions for enough days in a row I just assume that justifies making atrocious decisions after enough days have passed like it somehow cancels out & despite knowing that’s not how it works on a logical level my brain continues to function this way. I probably won’t change
#rose.txt#this isn’t a depression post or something#I mean yes my life is low key falling apart but in a way I can stressfully laugh about#it’s just that I’m on anti biotics & have been so health conscious & careful & drinking so much water & taking probiotics#but certain stresses have been really getting to me & I decided that justifies a few daytime glasses of wine lmao#my stomach will regret this choice & it will not help anything#however. it’s a choice I have made 😅😅
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Habits. Do you have actual habits?
I learned today that the definition of a habit is something that is done almost involuntarily... Without conscious thought.
Ummmm....🤯
I have routines and patterns that I regularly follow. But... I consciously decide to do it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME... and if for some reason I choose not to do it one day, the second day it's nearly impossible to make myself do it again, beyond that it's like it never existed and I will forget it's even a thing for an indeterminate amount of time.
I do the thing they call "habit stacking". I group things together to remember to do them every day. However, they do not become habits. Just a way for me to remember about the thing. And then have to choose to do it every time.
Is this why neurotypicasl can't tell you the WHY to half the things they do? Because everything isn't a conscious choice??
#adhd life#adhd#autism#mental health#habits#conscious choices#Habit stacking#Routines#Patterns#I always know the why if you ask me
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#drunk off my ass in the worst way possible#I think I need to stop playing minecraft m it's genuinely an obsession#I was clean for three months but I picked it up again a week ago and my mental health has tanked I'm doing less I'm worse off#doing chores is harder I don't drink waterI forget to use the bathroom I don't eat I don't drink I have trouble sleeping#I love playing it but I'm constantly conscious that I wish I were doing something else#the ability to place everything in perfect arrangement and have it never move#everything works exactly how I design it and things work according to how I want them to.#it's maybe a dangerous and alluring power for my autistic ass to own#I was genuinely happier while not playing minecraft but someone mentioned a server and I lost the past five days to it#hhhhrfnnghhghhbvvhhhh yeah I need to make the choice to drop it for my own good#tag talk
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4 Healthy Habits for Maintaining Sobriety During the Recovery Process
4 Healthy Habits for Maintaining Sobriety During the Recovery Process
The road to recovery and sobriety is rarely an easy one, but taking the first step means you are on the right path. Staying true to that path can be the most challenging aspect of the entire process, though. Incorporating healthy habits into your everyday life can help you keep a positive mindset and focus on the choices you want to make. Though it can be hard to know what habits you are willing…
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#addiction#anxiety#body#conscious choice#depression#eating healthier#emotional wellness#exercise routine#Finding meaning and positivity#fitness goal#fitness goals#Focus#healthy habits#healthy lifestyle#meaningful learning#Mental health#Mind#nature hikes#new perspectives#Physical Wellness#positive mindset#positivity#recovery#relaxation#right path#sleep#sobriety#Stress-Free#support#Support group
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"I just wish you would talk to me"
You caught me self harming three separate times over the course of five years and you didn't get me a therapist until I threatened to hurt someone else - on top of that you actually flicked my self harm scars when i wore shorts to point them out and ask me what they were when you knew full well, talked about how sad it was that i was "mutilating" myself in the summer when I would wear swimsuits because you could see my HEALED SCARS (was a great pick me up for a pre transitions trans person with an eating disorder), why the fuck would I EVER talk to you about anything personal again?
#Also trauma dumped about your dad being an abusive alcoholic to me#when i was 14 years old#the one time I told you I was depressed. Then I had to comfort YOU instead of continue to talk about my mental health and getting treatment#you piece of fucking garbage. Not opening up to you or your husband is a conscious choice i make every day.#self harm talk tw#mentally ill on main#ed tw
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In Total Agreement! 🥰👍
#art#cute#illustration#comfort#positive#mental health#artists on tumblr#animals#self care#artbylittlebug#cats#kitties#conscious choices#be proactive#healthy choices#self growth#the best me#self love#encouragement#self challenge#one day at a time#grow#thrive
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How the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug Encourages Hydration
Water is a fundamental component of our daily lives, playing a crucial role in maintaining overall health, promoting bodily functions, and ensuring proper hydration. Yet, establishing and maintaining healthy hydration habits can be challenging, especially for families with members across various age groups. The Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug from Ecobud presents an effective and convenient solution for encouraging healthy hydration habits within your household.
In this post, we will discuss how the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug encourages proper hydration for the whole family by providing clean, great-tasting water that's free of contaminants like chlorine, heavy metals and fluoride. We will also explore the numerous health benefits of staying properly hydrated and delve into practical tips for instilling these habits within your family members, from children to adults.
By understanding the link between the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug and healthy hydration, you can foster a positive home environment that nurtures lifelong wellness for everyone in your household. With our guidance, learn how to make the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug an integral part of your family's journey towards better hydration and improved overall well-being.
1. How the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug Promotes Healthy Hydration
The Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug encourages optimal hydration for the entire family through its innovative design and effective filtration capabilities:
Improved Taste: The advanced filtration technology effectively removes contaminants that can negatively impact water taste, resulting in cleaner, refreshing water that encourages family members to drink more.
Healthier Water: By eliminating contaminants such as chlorine, heavy metals, and fluoride, the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug provides water that is safe for consumption and supports overall health.
Convenience: The user-friendly design of the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug ensures easy pouring, refilling, and storage, making it an accessible and practical choice for family use.
2. Health Benefits of Proper Hydration
Understanding the numerous health benefits of proper hydration is vital in appreciating the significance of incorporating the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug into your daily routine:
Enhanced Energy Levels: Adequate hydration is essential for maintaining energy levels, preventing fatigue, and supporting the optimal function of vital organs.
Improved Concentration and Cognitive Function: Proper hydration is important for maintaining mental alertness, memory, and overall cognitive function.
Detoxification: Drinking sufficient water aids in the removal of toxins and waste products from the body, promoting healthier digestion and kidney function.
Weight Control: Staying hydrated can help with appetite control and weight management, as water aids in digestion and can create a feeling of fullness.
3. Tips for Instilling Healthy Hydration Habits in Your Family
Incorporating the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug into your family's daily routine is the initial step towards fostering healthy hydration habits. However, to maximise its impact, consider the following practical tips:
Establish Routine: Encourage family members to drink water at specific times of day, such as upon waking, during meals, and before bedtime.
Set a Daily Water Intake Goal: Help each family member determine an ideal daily water intake based on age, weight, and activity level, and encourage tracking their progress towards this goal.
Make Water More Appealing: Add slices of fruit, cucumber, or mint to the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug to create naturally flavoured water that entices family members to drink more.
Lead by Example: As a parent or guardian, demonstrate healthy hydration habits yourself, creating a positive influence for the whole family.
4. Addressing Specific Needs for Family Members' Hydration
Different family members may require tailored approaches to ensure optimal hydration. Below are some strategies for addressing the unique needs of various age groups:
Children: Encourage kids to consume water-rich fruits and vegetables and make drinking water fun by using colourful cups or reusable bottles with their favourite characters.
Teenagers: Help teens understand the importance of hydration for their overall well-being, including its impact on their physical appearance, such as clear skin and increased energy.
Elderly Family Members: Older adults may have decreased thirst sensation, so encourage them to sip water throughout the day and provide easy access to the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug.
Pregnant and Nursing Mothers: These women need additional water to support the growth of their babies and maintain sufficient milk supply. Provide extra encouragement and reminders to maintain optimal hydration.
Conclusion
The Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug is a valuable tool in promoting healthy hydration habits for your entire family. By recognising its benefits, implementing practical strategies to encourage water consumption, and addressing the unique needs of individual family members, you can foster lifelong wellness through better hydration. Let the Gentoo Glass Water Filter Jug guide your family towards a healthier, more conscious relationship with water, and experience the transformative power of proper hydration in your daily lives.
Looking for a cost-effective solution to provide safe and healthy drinking water for your family? Look no further than Ecobud's glass water filter jug! Our product is designed with your health and the environment in mind. With its advanced filtration technology, our water filter jug removes impurities and contaminants, ensuring that you and your loved ones can enjoy fresh and clean water every day. Don't compromise on your family's health and well-being. Order now and experience the difference for yourself!
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#gentoo glass#stay hydrated#eco friendly#sustainable living#healthy habits#hydration goals#drink more water#glass water bottle#healthy living#eco chic#reduce plastic#wellness journey#hydrate for health#sustainable hydration#mindful hydration#healthy choices#nature inspired#eco conscious#drink responsibly#hydration matters#wellness lifestyle#stay healthy#hydration tips#natural living#planet friendly#glass better#drink style#eco warrior#healthy lifestyle#wellness community
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Does Diet Coke Make You Fat? Discover whether Diet Coke contributes to weight gain and the surprising science behind its effects on your body. When it comes to losing weight or maintaining a healthy lifestyle, Diet Coke is often seen as a go-to beverage for those looking to avoid sugar and calories. But does diet soda actually help with weight loss, or could it be doing the exact opposite? Many people ask: does Diet Coke make you fat? In this article, we’ll take a deep dive into the science behind Diet Coke and its effects on the body, explore the role of artificial sweeteners, and find out whether this popular soft drink is as harmless as it seems.
While it’s true that Diet Coke contains zero calories, the absence of calories doesn’t automatically mean that it's beneficial for your weight loss efforts. Calories are only one piece of the puzzle when it comes to how your body processes food and drink. Other factors, such as how your body reacts to the ingredients in Diet Coke, play a crucial role in determining whether it helps or hinders weight loss.
The Role of Artificial Sweeteners in Diet Coke Diet Coke gets its sweetness from artificial sweeteners, specifically aspartame, which is significantly sweeter than sugar but contains virtually no calories. Artificial sweeteners are designed to trick the taste buds into perceiving sweetness without the added calories of regular sugar. But do these sweeteners actually help with weight control, or do they have unexpected effects?
Some research suggests that artificial sweeteners may have unintended consequences. Although they don't directly add calories, these sweeteners can affect how your brain perceives sweetness and hunger. When you drink Diet Coke, your body expects a surge of sugar and calories. When that doesn't happen, it may lead to an increase in appetite, causing you to eat more later in the day to compensate. This phenomenon could, in theory, lead to weight gain over time, despite consuming a zero-calorie beverage.
Can Diet Coke Trigger Weight Gain? There’s been much debate in the scientific community about whether or not Diet Coke can actually cause weight gain. Some studies suggest that people who regularly drink diet sodas, including Diet Coke, tend to gain more weight over time compared to those who don’t. The reasons behind this weight gain are complex and multifaceted.
One theory is that artificial sweeteners, such as aspartame, can disrupt the body’s ability to regulate calorie intake. When you consume something sweet, your body typically expects calories to follow. However, in the case of artificial sweeteners, no calories are provided. This can confuse the body’s metabolic processes and may lead to overeating later, especially if your brain tries to make up for the missing calories in other ways. Another possible explanation is that people who drink Diet Coke may compensate by consuming higher-calorie foods, thinking they’re saving calories with the soda.
#youtube#low-calorie#sugar-free#soft drink#carbonated beverage#caffeine#refreshing#zero calories#diet beverage#artificial sweeteners#flavor variety#lifestyle choice#health-conscious#Beverage alternatives#diet coke flavors#marketing campaigns
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Reflecting on Baker’s Holistic Approach
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#Climate Action#Climate Advocacy#Climate Awareness#Climate Change Solutions#climate impact#climate solutions#conservation and health#Conservation Efforts#conservation goals#conservation hero#Conservation Legacy#Conservation Movement#conservation pioneer#conservationist legacy#deforestation#eco-conscious diet#eco-conscious living#eco-conscious practices#eco-friendly choices#eco-friendly diet#eco-friendly living#ecological balance#Ecological Impact#environmental advocacy#environmental awareness#Environmental Education#environmental ethics#environmental health#environmental impact#Environmental Legacy
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Learning how to handle myself. The feelings that seemed SO deeply rotten and life-consuming as a teenager? You can kind of gently steer yourself out of them.
(Today I got some really shitty news, but I knew exactly how much time I'd need to sit and process, knew that I then needed to get out of the house and distract myself, and so I did. And the news is still shitty, but my head is above water and I can actually be stable for other people. Whereas a few years ago I'd still be freaking out trying to handle myself and the situation and feeling like a failure.)
The gaping maw of a blank and limitless future? It starts filling up, lego brick by lego brick (and you get to choose the bricks, which is actually the fun part!) until you're like "hey I think I have a rough life-plan here, who would have guessed!" Self-consciousness and embarrassment just kind of fade, which means more energy for the things you actually like, yay!
Also, one morning I saw a video about knitting, so I bought needles and a ball of yarn and learned how to knit a square that very afternoon. Didn't ask anyone, didn't have any hoops to jump through, just thought "looks mildly interesting, why not try?" Actually hate knitting, but now I know!
Hey adults: Why do you like being an adult? What do you like about your life?
A couple weeks ago I told the kids at my work that "Being an adult is pretty nice, actually," and they looked shocked, laughed incredulously, and told me I was the first person they'd ever heard say that
So clearly we adults need to talk about this way more often
The past few years have been hard for a lot of people, me included. Covid sucked. I lost three relatives and three pets in one year. Right after lockdown ended, I got badly injured, and ended up housebound for six months and (much more) disabled for two years, and that sucked too.
And you know what? Literally all of that was easier and better than being a teenager.
I like being an adult. I like my life. Even when it's hard, it's mine, and I am building to the best of my ability the a life that I want to live.
I talked about a lot of why being an adult is something worth looking forward to in my last post, so right now I'll simply say this:
I love actually knowing who I am now. I love that I learned and am learning what I want and need. I love that I have independence and autonomy and don't get treated like a kid. I love the fact that I'm the one who gets to decide want I want to do and what I need. I also love that I'm learning to sew. I love that I've had pet rats, and next will have a pet cat. I love that I got top surgery. I love the way I've decorated my room. I love traveling to visit and crash and even just hang out and do work with my friends, when I can. I love that I started reading good news every day, and that I actually have hope for the future, and that I started this blog and have been able to help give so many other people hope, too.
So, here's a call to action for my fellow adults: comment or reply or tag what you like about being an adult. What you love about your life.
Let's give some kids some reasons for hope.
#I am very passionate about this#my pet peeve is people who say “its all downhill from here”#maybe for you!#notwithstanding unavoidable life stuff/tragedy#your adult life is just teenage you with less hormones and more choices#mental health#life advice#teenagers#self conscious#anxiety
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I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)
(long dump in the tags and under the cut)
The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.
Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.
Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.
She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.
She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona
#I've been working the last 3 hours on her design and like just noticed HOW MUCH of myself i put into her design#especially parts of myself im self conscious of and don't like/didn't like growing up. i usually zone out esp during a character design#but i stopped and i looked at it and my first thought was “that's me. that's me on that canvas.” and for some reason felt so happy with it#ik that's probably a selfish thought to have and im nowhere near done with her design but i looked at it and loved it so deeply.#she's imperfect and ugly and flawed but that's ok because she's still beautiful in her own weird way and her friends still love her#this is the weirdest shit I've ever experienced but i honestly feel like I'm finally accepting a part of myself I've hated and shoved down#for so long because of the absolute gnawing feeling of unacceptance I've always been subjected to as “not fitting in” and something she say#is “who gives a shit what other people think about me. i have friends who love and care about me just as much as i do for them.#you dont need to be liked by everyone to be worth something. sometimes just existing is enough for the people who do love you“#the parallels of both my life and her lore are so similar they hurt on a visceral level i cant describe and it was completely unintentional#we both trust too easily whether it's out of naivety or stupidity and not learning from past mistakes and have been hurt so deeply#so many times beyond our own comprehension by the betrayal of other people to the point of shutting down every attempt at friendship#despite knowing just how much being alone aches and burns and put both physical and mental health on the line to get the approval of others#but never letting anyone get close enough to be friends out of fear of being hurt again#and having every vulnerable part of ourselves wrapped in metaphorical knives and glass to hurt anyone attempting to get to know us#but simultaneously and unknowingly hurting ourselves too with that choice. we're both aware of what we're doing but also unable to stop it#out of fear and lack of people willing to understand our pain and frustration and anger over things and it's so so frustrating#we both lash out when angry or hurt and push people that we love and love us back away out of fear that if any “ugly” is exposed to them#they'll leave because we lose our one redeemable quality of “being convenient” in a group#but simultaneously don't them trust fully out of fear. we know we're loved and love back but never fully in case its all a lie.#we both want nothing more than someone to understand and listen to what happened to us and actually stay and be friends rather than leave#like truly actually want to be friends and not just stay out of pity or sorrow over what happened#i think this is just something that comes with the autism tbh#i am she and she is me#rambling#dragon character#character writing#character building#dragon oc
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